w V WHY SMIIH LEFT MM Bit Original dfarce in Ubvcc Hcts GEORGE H. BROADHURST Copyright, 1912, nv Broadhursi- Brothkr^ CAUTION.—All persons are hereby warned that "Why Smith IVeft Home," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, is subject to royalty, and any- one presenting the play without the consent of the author or their authorized agent, will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Application for stage rights must be made to Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. ^LL RIGHTS RESERVED New York SAMUEL FRENCH \ publishers -30 WEST 38TH STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Lin. 26 Southampton Street STRAND V # WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. CAST OP CHAEACTEES. John Smith. .Who loves his wife and lives in New York Gen. Billetdoux His wife's second hushand Count Von Guggenheim .... W/io made them twisted Major Duncombe With memories of last night Eobert Walton Mrs. Smith's brother Mrs. John Smith. .Who loves her hushand, no matter where he lives Miss Smith A lady in waiting Mrs. Billetdoux Mrs. Smith's aunt EosE Walton Egbert's hride of a day Julia Touchingly clever Elsie A maid Lavinia Daly Who is a lady and knows it Place. — Home of John Smith. Time. — Present. Act 1st. Morning. Act 2nd. Afternoon. Act 3rd. Evening. .c ni n 2Sidad WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. PEOPERTIES. Telegram in sealed telegraph envelope. Silver Salver. Two tap hells. One large hall hell. Cake (Wood) one large piece, two slices. Plate {China) for cake. Card case. Visiting cards with tissue paper. Newspaper. Large extra long hread hnife. Prop, money marked $100. — c. Small personal check hook. Tray cloths. Napkins. Two sets salts and peppers. Three knives. Three forks. Three large tahle spoons. Five plates. Two glasses. Cigar. Large long ''horse" pistol with loud doiihle cock action hammer. Four hooks. Red Mask. Crown. Two large Stars for hair. Envelope with tetter enclosed addressed to Mrs. Smith. Envelope with notice enclosed for Lavinia. WHY SxMITH LEFT HOME. COSTUMES. S-\'iTiT. j^ct I. Light business suit. Act II. Dark business suit. Act Til. Evening' dress and overcoat. Gen. B. Act I. Light check sack suit. Act II. Frock coat, light trousers. Act III. Evening dress. Count. Act II. Light suit. Act III. Evening dress.. Major. Act I. Erock coat, light trousers. Act II. Same. Act III. Evening dress. PoB. Act. I. Militarv undress or fatigue coat and duck trousers. Act II. Same. Act III. Even- ing dress. Mrs. S. Act I. ]\rorning gown. Act II. After- noon gown. Act III. Evening gown and handsome wrap. Fancy costume, very Frenchy. ]\riss S. Act I. Morning gown. Act II.. After- noon gown. Act III. Evening gown. Mrs. B. Act I. Traveling dress. Act 11. After- noon gown. Act III. Evening gown and handsome wrap. Masquerade dress same as Julia's. B.OSE. Act I. Traveling dress. Act II. After- noon dress. Act III. Evening dress and Masquerade dress. JuLTA Act I. Maid's dress, black. Handsome gown given her by Mrs. Smith. Act 11. Maid's dress, black. Act III. Same. Also Masquerade dress same as Mrs Billetdoux. Elisie. Act I. Plaid's dress. Gray. Act 11. Same. Act ILL Same. Also Masquerade dress. Lavinia. Act. I. Plainly gingham of eccentric pattern with deep starched collar and green tie. Act II. Sarnie. Act III. Same. Also Masquerade dress representing royal robe of state. Cloak and train, etc. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. CHARACTERS. S]\riTH, Prosperous American Inisiness man of about forty. Good humored. Gen. B. Dapper little Frenchman of ahout fifty. Gallic in maimer, precise in dress. Count Yon G. German, ahout thirty-five. Very nervous in actions and intense in speech and manner. Major D. Gruff old soldier of fifty-five. Bob. Youngster of twenty-one. Boyish in appear- ance and manner. Mrs. S. Handsome young woman of twenty-five. Miss S. A maiden lady of forty-two. Don't make her a caricature. Mrs. B. Portly woman of fifty. Overhearing in manner. Rose, Good-looking girl of ahout twenty. Julia. Handsome girl of twenty-two. Demure of speech and manner. Uses her eyes effectively. Elsie. Ahout tiuenty. Somewhat pert. Lavinia. a?! Irish womMn of ahout thirty-five. Dialogue will indicate her characteristics. -ir WHY SMITH LEFT HOME; ACT I. Scene :—J/i^^s/c at rise. Lively. A room Jiand- somely furnished, in the home of John Smith. At rise of curtain, Mrs. Smith enters r. 3 v'ith photograph aU)um in her hand, places it on table up c, sits right of taUe looking a\ photograph album. ^ Mrs. S. Here it is. (Enter Miss Smith l. 2.) Miss S. (l. c.) Ah ! You said that he wouldn't, I knew he would. The Major— he proposed last nia^ht. Mrs. S. (sitting c. r.) An offer of marriage doesn't come every day to a woman of your age. Miss S. My age, indeed ! Because your young face attracted the attention of my brother, and vou were lucky enough to catch him. (Down l.) Mrs. S. (c. rising) Lucky! Catch! To hear you talk one would think I lured your brother into marrying me. (Coming down stage c.) In- stead of which I refused him three times, as you very well know. Miss S. (l., goes to Mrs. Smith) Only to accept him the fourth because he secured a con- tract for a government building, and so was sure to make another million. 7 8 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. Do you intimate that T married my husband for money? Miss Smith, (c.) Do tou insinuate that you married him for love? You may be able to make him belieye rliat, but me — Oli no! :My brotlier isn't exactly handsome. Mrs. S. (c.) True. Beauty doesn't run in your family. Miss S. (l.) He is not yery young. Mrs. S. True again. Tliough beauty doesn't, age does. Miss S. (l.) You think because i am thirty- two ! Mrs. S. Forty-two. Miss S. (l. cor.) Thirty-two. Mrs. S. Forty-two. {GouKj to table c. for alhiun.) This is the family album. {Coming down to ^Iiss S. hack of tahlci) I found it this morning, and was prepared for the emergency. {Pointing to record in album.) Miss S. (l. c. pointing to album) That figure is false. Mrs. S. If it is, it's not the only false figure about you. {Closing album and -returning to table up c.) Miss S. You imagine I cannot inspire devotion because I am no longer a child ! Mrs. S. (r.) {Coming doiV)i r.) "Child" is good. Miss S. (l. c.) But, did you notice how the Count Von Guggenheim stared at me on the street yesterday afternoon? Mrs. S. {At chair r.) Stared! At you! {laughs) Now that is really funny. Miss S. Funny! WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 9 ^'^RS. t^. Yes, YOU forget / was with you. Miss S. Do you mean to say lie was looking at you? Mrs. S. (c.) Stranger things liave happened. Miss S. Yoii may think he was. I know better. Mrs. S. (r.) And I would not undeceive you for the world. (Mrs. S. crosses to c.) (Mrs. and Miss Smith ad lib. until Smith's entrance.) Smith. {OiUside) At it again. (Enter Smith r. 3, hoth go to meet Jiim.) Miss S. Your wife ) has been saying Mrs. S. l^our sister ) that I ! Smith, (c.) Stop it, stop it! (Mrs. and Miss S. stop.) (Coming down stage c.) I know which is wrong. Mrs. S. and Miss S. Which? (Both ladies point at each other.) Smith. Both. (An indignant look from loth of the ladies. Mrs. S. goes to piano r. and Miss S. to l.) What's the fuss about anyway? Is it simpiy the four hundred and thirteenth chapter of the old one, or the beginning of another? (Turn R., looking at Mrs. S.) Miss S. (l. c.) I came here to tell your wife that the Major proposed to me last night, and 10 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (Miss *V. niaJces gesture, extending r. hand.) S^.riTH. (r. Tnrn quieJclij, eatcJi Miss S. hand —shal-e) At last, at last! (Bael: to c.) I'd begun to think I'd saorifice a month's comfort for nothing. Miss S. (l. c.) What do yon mean? Smith, (c.) Why do yon suppose I invited the Major to spend this month here? Because I was yearning for his society? Not much. I Avanted to give you one long, last lingering fare- well chance at him. Miss S. (l. c.) Chance at him I Smith, (c.) Exactly. He'd never have joined the army if you hadn't refused him twenty years ago. Mrs. S. (eoming to haeJc of ann-ehair r.) Yes. Twenty yeai^ ago when you were only twelve years old. Oh, T don't know. (Putting hand to faee, JooJcing through fingers.) Smith, (c.) And as I thought he might still be foolish enough to ! Miss S. (c. l.) Then it was a deliberate plan to ^et rid of me? Smith, (c.) Not so much that as a plan to get a few days' peace and quiet in my own home with my own wife. (Mrs. S. crosses c. to Smith, theg emhrace) We have been married for six months, I couldn't go on a honeymoon because of business, and I'll be hanged if somebody hasn't been camping out here since the day of the wed- ding. '&• (Mrs. S. sits in arm-chair r.) Miss S. (l. c.) I'll see that' I don't "camp out" here much longer {going to door l.) Smith, (c. crossing to chair r.) I don't want to hurry you, Juliette. This is Saturday. Now^ WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. H when the Major ai^ks you to name the day, if you-11 say next Monday ! Miss S. (Crosses l.) I'll go. I'll go. But perhaps the knowledge of this little scheme may have an effect you did not count on. I did not accept the Major but agreed to give him his answer to-day. I intended to say " yes ", now I shall probably say " no ■ '. {E.rif Miss S.ahth l. 1, slams door.) Mrs. S. {rising) If she should say ''no." Smith, i crosses to Mrs. S. at chair r.) Don't you worry about that. If the Major lives till she refuses him the second time, he'll be a gold mine for the life insurance companies. (Mrs. S. sits in chair r., Saiith sits on arm of chair with arm around Mrs. Smith's neck.) And do you know, my dear, I've always regret- ted not taking that honeymoon trip. If I hadn't had such unusually important contracts on hand, we certainly would have done so. Mrs. S. (r.) I know we would, you dear old fellow, so there, don't say anything more about it. (Smith affectionately caresses Mrs. S.) Smith. We'll take a substitute for it some day, however, just as soon as business is dull enough, and it's getting quieter every day. We'll go next week if you say so? Mrs. S. No, John. When Juliette has gone, we'll have our home all to ourselves, and that is just what I've been longing for. Smith. I've been troubled with the same long- ing. Wby can't people have some consideration ? It seems to me that every relative of yours 1 Mrs. S- [loarmngly) Ah, ah, ah! 12 WH\^ SMITH LEFT HOME. Smith. And mine too — has put in an appear- ance here since we started housekeeping. Mrs. S. Not all of mine, John. Brother Bob and Aunt Mary at least haven't been here. Smith. That's so. Although I've never had the pleasure of meeting that brother of vours, I would make him welcome for your sake. But Aunt Mary I Aunt Mary ! (Smith crossing to c.) It only needs her presence to fill my cup of haijpiness to overflowing. Mrs. S. {rising crosses to Smith l. c.) I'm so sorry you two can't get along together, I know she is a little aggressive, but remember how good she has been to Bob and me. She's taken care of us both since w^e were only so high [snaking motion tvith hand), and just think what Bob's education alone is costing her. Smith (l. c.) I admire your aunt's good qualities, and am very grateful for all she has done for you, but her disposition and mine 1 well, instead of fitting together so {interlacing fingers), they run against each other like this {rapidly 2:^lacing tips of thiimhs and fingers to- gether) . Now, when that is the case, the persons concerned had better keep apart or there'll be trouble. Mrs. S. {crossing to arm chair r.) I hope there'll never be any trouble between you two. Smith (l. c.) I'm sure there won't — unless she comes here looking for it. (Elsie enters r. 3.) Elsie. Telegram for jou, sir. Smith, {tailing telegram) For me? Elsie. Yes, sir. (Elsie exits r. 3.) WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 13 Smith. All my messages sliould go to the office. [fearing end of envelope and reading message) Why, it's for you, dear, (giring tele- giain to Mrs. Smith.) Mrs. S. {crosses l.) Is it? Smith, {up r. c.) That girl has got to be more careful. Mrs. S. From whom can it be. Smith. ( ///> at door r. 3) Elsie I Elsie I {Elsie appears at door. Smith talks to her in diinil) slioic.) Mrs. S. [reading) "Will see 3^ou at twelve. Am coming with the General for a nice, long visit. Aunt Marv." Auni Mary coming here with the General, and John in this frame of mind! (Elsie exits r. 3, quick, jerkily.) Smith, (r. chair) {comiiig doivn and sitting in cliair r.) She won't do that again. Anything important, dear ? Mrs. S. Oh no ! no indeed I It's from brother Bob. He says he has been chosen quarter-back on the baseball team. [conceals telegram in sleeve of dress) Smith. Quarterback on the baseball team? Mrs. S. Yes. Smith. I su})}jose next year he'll be first base on the football team. Mrs. S. {doubtfully) Oh— yes— Smith. And he wires you about it? Mrs. S. (crossing hack of chair) Yes, he always wires me about such matters. He knows how interested I am in his studies and things. [Crosses hack of chair.) Very considerate of him, don't you think so, dear? Smith. Very. But as we were saying, a newly married couple ought to have their home com- pletely to themselves. Eh, sweetheart? 14 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. (r.) Yes, John. Of course, as a gen- eral rule, but don't you think there could be an exception ? Smith. Exception? Mrs. S. Just as a matter of argument, you know. Smith, (r.) No! This is the rule to which I can see no exception, especially in our case, and when eTuliette has gone, we'll be just as happY as birds in the Springtime. Auy man who couldn't be contented with a wife like you and a nice, quiet home ought to ! (Larinia outside R. 1. laughs loudly. Smith listens icith evident e-rasperation, then he looks at Mrs. S. tcho has been ivatching him with symptoms of distress. (Both rising and looking at each other.) Smith. Who is that? Mrs. S. The new cook. Smith. Great Scott, another? ^Irs. S. Yes, dear. (Smith crosses hack of chair ringing hell on tal)le. Elsie enters r. 3. Smith crossing hack to c.) Smith. (r. c.) Tell that cook — {to Mrs. Smith) By the way, what's her name? Mrs. S. (r.) LaYinia, dear. Smith, (c. to Elsie) You tell LaYinia, dear, to be a little more confidential with that laugh of hers. I don't like her Yoice. {Crossing to Mrs. S. r., Elsie exits r. 3.) As I was saying, my dear, we'll have our home all to oursehes and then ! Lavinia {outside r.) He don't like me Yoice, eh? Well, you just tell him for me that if he WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 15 don't like it, he'd better live in another part of the honse. Smith, (crossing c.) I'd better live in another ])art of the house. (Elsie re-enters r.) P^LSiE. She said that if von didn't like ! Smith. (r. c.) I know what she said. (Smith motions Elsie off — starts to 7'nsh off r. 2. Mrs. S. intercepts him. Elsie exits r. 3.) Mrs. S. She was only joking. I conld tell it by her tone. Smitpi. By her tone. All right, I'll go and apologize in a tone just like it. (Smith starts again, Mrs. S. stops Mm., placing 'both hands on his 'breast.) Mrs. S. (r.) John — please, please let the mat- ter drop as a favor to me. Smith. Yes, but I ! Mrs. S. I understand, dear. But she came only this morning, and hasn't got accustomed to our ways. Smith. (crosses to l. c.) Evidently she hasn't. Mrs. S. (r.) She comes most highly recom- mended, especially as a fancy cook, and this morning when I was in the kitchen {crosses to small table at r.) she was making what promised to be a most delicious cake (taking the plate with the cake on it) and here it is. (Grossing to r. c. showing Smith the cake.) Smith, (c.) That does look good. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Try a piece. Smith. Oh, I hardly think I ! k; why smith left home. Mrs. S. Just one. You know how fond you are of it. (8:mith takes piece of cake. Mrs. S. looks on smiling. Smith tries to hite it, l)iit fails. He looks at Mrs. ^ mitu tohose expression changes to one of (lis mag. Smith. Say, dearie, isn't there a little hammer li'oes with this, (^^mith tries again. Same result. Then taps the plate with the piece of .cake.) If this is the work of a cook who comes highly rec- ommended, please engage one who has a diploma for incompetency. Discharge her, my dear, dis- charge her. ( Hands cake to Mrs. S. Crosses and sits in chair R. of table.) Mrs. S. {passing dehind chair, putting plate of cake on taJ)le) If I did, T could not get an- other in town and I need one to-day especially. (Crosses to c.) Smtph. (l.) Why to-day more than any other? Mrs. S. (going to r. c.) Don't you see if Aunt 1 Well, I need one to-day, that's all. Smith, (rising comes to c.) But why to-day more than any other? (Mrs. Smith stands at chair r., facing r., hack to Smith; she takes telegram from sleeve, looks at it with an expression of comical dis- may, looks at Smith, tnrns aicay her head, then timidly hands it to Smith icith a hack- tcard motion. Smith takes it between tlmml) and finger of n. hand and in a very gingerly manner.) What has 3^our quarterback brother to do with the cook? AVHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 17 MpvS. S. (r. c.) It isn't from my brother. Smith. (Reads, with an expyession of great dismay, gasps, almost a scream, hard to breathe '• Aunt Mary — General — long visit." (Folds tele- gram, returns it to Mrs. S. kisses her, starts ahriiptly for c.) Good-bye. Mrs. S. (c.) Where are you going? Smith, (up l. 3, turns) I haven't decided whether it will be Goldfield or San Leandro. Mrs. S. Do be sensible. Smith, (coming dotvn c. excitedly) So I got rid of my sister, only to have your aunt and her second husband swoop down on us, do I? But they shan't stay. I'll refuse to pay the gas bills and have the gas turned off. I'll go out and catch scarlet fever ! I'll discharge all the servants, the maids, the cook 1 Great Scott I Cook and mother-in-law the same day. (Sits at R. of table l.) INIrs. S. (r.) But she is not your mother-in- law. She is my aunt. {Goes to piano; sits, doesn^t play.) Smith. She may be an aunt by nature, but she is a mother-in-law by instinct I Why, the cook alone is enough to make any man leave home. {Strikes table forcihly, sees cake; the idea of driving away Aunt Mary icith the work of the cook st7'ikes him.) By jove, there's an idea — Aunt Mary — the cook — I'll feed Aunt Mary — {His expression changes to one of triumph. Rises. Goes up c. with a swagger air, then with assumed regret) — Marion, I've been wrong. I haven't looked at 18 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. lliis jilfaii- in a sensible li<>ht. Perhaps vonrannt jind T can get al()n«^ nicely afl^er all. Mrs. S. (r. r. (huh f f till u) Yes. Smith, (doirn c. Comiuff doicn to ;Mrs. S.) Yes— oh, yes! — now that I am calm. I see that it would be unkind of me to refuse to receive her. (As he comes doicn, makes motion indicating cake on taMe.) Mrs. S. (r. r.) But why this sudden change of heart? Smith. It isn't a change of heart. It's a change of — of — I Mrs. S. Plan? Smith. Xo. no, my dear. She has been so good to you that the slightest return I can make 5s to let her come and stay as long as she can stand it. (Mrs. Siviith looks at him) I mean as long as she pleases. Mrs. S. Really? Smith. Really. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Thank you, John, thank you. Smith. Not at all, not at all. But about the cook. Some one must reason with her, and as I know you don't wish to do it, send her here to me. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Please don't say anything to offend her. Smith, (c) I'll pour balm on her wounded feelings. Mrs. S. {going r.) I'm a little bit doubtful. Smith, [follotmng Mrs. S. to r) You needn't be, my dear. (Irish ai7' pp.) Mrs. S. Well, we'll see. {Exit Mrs. S. r. 3, e.) Smith, {sitting in chair r.) Coming to pay a WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 19 nice, long visit, are they? Well, I guess not, if this court knows itself, and it thinks it does. \L(ir'niia entering r. 2, passes hack of chmr, touches Smith o)) shoulder, goes c. and stands waiting. Smith looks at her in astonish- ment. Well, who arc you? \ Lavinia reaches into her pocket, produces a hand- some card case, takes out card, hlows tissue paper from it. and hands card to Smith. Lavinia. (r. c.) My card. Smith. {taking card and reading): "Lav- inia Daly, secretary of the Cook Ladies' Union and Queen of the Housemaids' Society of Hol- land Dames." Lavinia. (c.) Yours truly, [hotcing) Smith, (rising, howing to her) Your Majesty. (sits) Let me get this straight— as I under- stand it. Y^ou are the cook. Lavinia. Cook lady, if you please. There is no longer any plain cooks. Smith. What I want to know is this: are you the individual who perpetrated that {pointing to cake) Lavinia. (looks at cake on tahle and hack at Smith) I cooked it— if that's what you mean? Smith. Well, what is it? Lavinia. That is a piece of angel cake. Did you think it was an oyster stew? Smith. No, oh, no ! I thought that perhaps it was a small oblong section of the new cement pavement they're laying outside, w Lavinia. (crosses l.) Now, don't get gay I Don't get gay! If you do, I'll put the Cook Ladies' Union on to you. {crossing r.) Smith, The what? 2a WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Lavixia. The Cook Ladies' rnion ! Oli, ns cooks is organized and ready for a strike at any minute, (crossing to c.) Smith. Your strike wouldn't bother me. My wife could do her own cooking if she had to. Lavinia. And if she did, she Avould have to do everything else as Avell. The rest of the house workin' ladies wouldn't work with a scab. Smith. Scab I Lavixia. It's agin' the rules of the Union. Smith. But this is our own house. Lavixia. If we cook ladies can't win our strike we calls the other house-workin' ladies. If that don't settle it, we calls out the Ice Wagon Drivers' Brotherhood, and then when you're all sick from home-made cookin' and can't get no ice, we calls out the Society of Registered Drug Clerks; you can't get your prescriptions filled and we have you bloated capitalists cinched to a standstill. Only wait till we get started, we'll make things hum. (goes r.) Smith. (crossing to tabic) Yes, I should imagine you would. But listen to me. {Taking piece of cake from plate, on tahle c, meeting Lavixia c.) This is pretty good, bad cooking, I admit, but what I want to know is, can you do bad cooking any worse? Lavixia. (r. c.) What are you drivin' at? Smith, (c.) Simply this. My wife's aunt begins an indefinite visit here to-day, but if you can only keep on like this, in three days she'll either die of dyspepsia or be compelled to leave the house. Do you catch the idea? Lavixia. (r. c.) Do I catch the idea? Do I catch? Well, I should say I do. And you couldn't get a better lady to help you if you searched the WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 21 country over. Why, when I half tries, I can cook the tenderest beefsteak till you couldn't tell it from the under side of a leather trunk. Smith. Good I (loodl {crosses l. and puts cake on plate ) Lavinia. And when I g^et down to business, 1 can take a young spring chicken and make you swear it was the grandfather of the identical bird that went into the ark vrith Moses, (down r.) Smith, (c.) Then there can be no mistake. You are the woman \e.rcJamation from Lavinia, "irhat?'- Smith hoiring) the lady, 1 beg your ]uirdon, the lady, I want. Lavinia. (coming to Smith c.) What is there in it? Smith. If she leaves the first day, I'll give you a hundred dollars, if the second, seventy-five, the third fifty. You see, I make an inducement for you to do good bad work. Are you game? Lavinia. But if she dies? SiiiTH. Under those circumstances, I suppose you'd be entitled to a pension for life. Lavinia. {taking Smith's hand) It's a go. The terms are liberal, and I accepts 'em; I'll start right at the next meal, and remember, you can't lose, you can't lose, the Secretary of the Cook Ladies' Union is with you. (Lavinia exits R. 2.) Smith, (going to l. of table to chair, and sits in it) And now. Auntie, I think I'm ready for you . I think I'll be able to (Miis. S. enters r. e. on tiptoes, looking after Lavinia, off r. e., speaking as she comes dotvn to Smith. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Did you arrange everything amicably with the cook, John? 22 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Smith. We came to a perfect understanding-. Mrs. S. {getting hehind Smith's chair, puts her arms about his neck) T am glad of that. And now, my dear, there's another thing I must speak about. Smith. All right, dearie, what is it? Mrs. S. I need some money for new clothes. S:mith. (looking at her) I thought you prom- ised me- 1 Mrs. S. (l. c.) I did, John, I did. But styles change so quickly and dresses soil so easily. Smith, {impatiently) But those you have are all right That union-made — I mean tailor-made dress for instance, is just as good as new. {de- scrihes dress) Mrs. S. {petulantly) That! Oh, no I It's badly soiled. I'll send for it and show jou. (Mrs. S. ri}iX WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. mp R.) And only six months ago lie yrdd. I was to be queen of liis lionseliold. Smith, (l. c.) And what was I to be? Mrs. S. You were to be the king. Smith, {going tvivards Mns. ^.) Right! You were to be the queen and I was to be the king, but did we ever agree that she (pointing to Mrs'. i>.) was to conie around here and try to be the ace? (Mrs. B. highly indignant — Mrs. S. aston- ished goes up r. c. General B. up stage laughing silenthj. S:\iith crosses l. Cor. Bus. of picking up chip from floor and putting on shoulder) ^Irs. B. General ! General I Are you going to stand by and see me insulted like this? (crosses to c. General dowii l. c. Mrs. Smith taking stage r.) General, (crossing to Mrs. B.) Not at all! Not at all! (cresses l. to Smith) You will get yourself into trouble if you call my wife ze play- ing card. T am ze brave man. (aside to Smith) It is all right. Go on, go on! Smith. I know you're a brave man. General, I know it. (going to the door l. 2) Nobody but a brave man would have the nerve to marry her. (indicates Mrs. B. ; indignation of Mrs. B. Smith makes quick exit l. 2. Mrs. B. looks after him) Mrs. B. To think you should have such a man for a husband, (turns and goes up stage. Gen- eral goes to tat)le l., examines cake, hooks, etc.) ]^Irs. S. (r. c.) But it is only to-day that he has been cross, (going up r.) Mrs. B. (up stage c.) I will bring him to his senses. I'll teach him a thing or two. Come, my dear, (offering her hand to Mrs. S.) I'll show you how to train a husband. General ! General ! General, (l. c.) Yes, my love! Mrs. B. (r. up) I am going to have a talk with mv niece. You remain here till I return. But WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 35 mind, don't go out of the house. Don't you dare go out. {exit Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. r. 3 e.) General, (going up stage and folloicing iMrs. B. to R. 0) I would not think of such a thing, niY dear. Xot at all, not at all. (Enter Major l. 2.) M A .TOR. ^A' h y , General! (General turns and comes doivn c, meets Major.) General. INIajorl (they slial:e hands Karmlij) IMajor. (l. c.) a long time since we two boys of the Old Guard met. Haven't seen you since your wedding, sir, not since your wedding. General. (taMng stage r.) I vish I had not seen me, eizer. Major. Hard campaigning, eh? Hard cam- paigning. General. Before I marry her, (hus.) T was one of ze boys. I flirt wiz ze girls, I have ze cham]>agne supper. Now she w^atcii me all ze day, and she talk to me all ze night. She say, " Gen- •eral, General!" and I say "Yes, my darling." (crossing doion l.) Major, (c.) Never surrender, General, never surrender, (going towards General) General, (turning to Major) Wiz ze men 1 am still ze lion, but wiz her I am now ze lamb. (Julia enters r. 3, crosses down r, wearing dress Mrs. Smith gave to her. General turns, sees Julia) Oh, is she not beautiful. At ze sight of such lofeliness, I feel all my courage return. (Pantomime y as if to say ^' Speak to her.-' Major nods his head, '^ Yes.^' Grossing r. to Julia) Made- moiselle, good morning ! Julia. Good morning, sir? 40 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. (c. crossing to Mrs. B. ) Auntie, in such cases jiido^ment has nofhino^ to do with the question. Tf man were restricted by law to the })ossession of one flower the individnal fortunate enongli to wear in his coat the most beautiful of roses would be alisolutelv unable to resist a de- sire to pluck the dowdiest little daisy that ever grew by the wayside, ((joing r.) ^Irs. B. You are quite right, my dear. AIrs. S. (r.) T know all this auntie, and yet I haye a lurking hope, yes, almost a belief, that John will be able to explain. AIrs. B. (l. rising and going to AIarion) Yes — giye a man time and he'll explain anything. You are simply trying to deceive yourself, my dear. AIrs. S. Certainly: in other words, T am trying to be ha])py. For of what does a wife's hapniness consist? One part knowledge, four parts ignor- ance and five parts self delusion. You see, I have remembered some of your lessons. AIrs. B. And I am glad of it. {going up c. Smttii enters l. 2, speaking as he comes) SMrrH. (c.) Alarion, I want to set matters straight. (AIrs. B. tifrns and looks at Smith) AIrs. S. (r. c.) I shall be very glad to have you do that, John. I suppose it was an accident. SMrrH. (c.) No, it was a mistake. AIrs. S. (r.) Certainly you were caught. AIrs. B. (l. c. Coming down l. c.) A^ery good, my dear. SMrrn. (going to AIrs. B.) AAMll you please keep out of my affairs which concern only my wife and me. (to AIrs. S.) You remember that dress? AIrs. S. (r.) Yes. Smith, (c.) Did I know that you had given it to your maid? AIrs. S. (r.) I think not. Smith. Well, don't you see? WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 41 Mrs. S. I must admit that T don't. SiNiiTii. (c.) She was wearing it, was stand- ing with her back to me, is about the height as yourself and has hair nearly the same color. 1 mistook lier for you, and that's all there is to it. (Smith c, Mrs. S. r. c. and Mrs. B. l. c). Mrs. Smith attempting to put her arms around Mr. Smith's necic, hut catehinc/ Mrs. B.'s eye draws haeJc tcith a cynical look on her face. Smith starts to embrace his irife, sees her look at Mrs. B., turns and goes over to Mrs. B. with an impatient gesture, suddenly turns and goes up c. expressing anger. Again turns, looks at Mrs. B., pulls himself together and dotrn to Mrs. S. again.) Smith, (c.) Haye you eyer known me to de- ceive you? Mrs. S. (r.) I have never known you to do it. Mrs. B. (l.) Very good again. (Smith gives Impatient look at Mrs. B.) Smith. Do you think T am telling you an un- truth now. Honestly, tell me honestly, do you think I am telling you an untruth? Mrs. S. (r. c. hesitatingly) I — I ! Smith, (c.) I want to know exactly where I stand in this matter. I either deliberately kissed her and am now deliberately trying to deceive you, or it was a mistake, as I have said, and I am telling the truth. There is one of two positions open to you, you believe me or you do not believe me. Which is it ? Mrs. S. [after slight pause) I believe you. (emhracing Smith) Smith, (turning his wife to l., facing Mrs. B. and waving his hand) Auntie! (Mrs. B. looks disgusted. Smith puts his tvife hack r.) 42 ^y^^ SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. B. (l.) And to think the giri I reared can be fooled like tliat. {to Smith) I would have yon nndeistand, sir, that the dreFS does not make the woman, (going to Smith) Smith, (c.) No, but it sometimes breaks the man. Mrs. B. (l.) If I had been wearing- that dress would von have kissed me? S^iith. (c.) I refuse to ansvrer for fear of incriminating myself. Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) There, yon see. It was not the dress after all. {crossing doum to l.) Mrs. S. [going to Smith) Anntie, T believe him. Some men tell the trnth, you know, {arms around his nech) Mrs. B. (l. c.) Yes, dear, occasionally. My first husband did. He talked in his sleep! Smith, (c. crossing to r.) That was probably the only chance he got. Mrs. S. Auntie, you had better come with me. (smiling at Smith) I'm going to see about the luncheon, dear. ( exits c.) Smith, (r. c.) Luncheon! If that cook only does her duty ! Mrs. B. ( /^p stage going toward r. indignantly) And I wish to superintend the preparation. Smith, (r. corner) Auntie. Mrs. B. {up stage, turning) Sir! Smith. Ta-ta. {exit Mrs. B., c. to r. h.) Smith, {going to c.) Well, I got out of that luckily. If Marion had her aunt's disposi- tion ! {The General enters l. 2, grasps Smith's liand and shakes it ivarmly.) General, (l. c.) Let me congratulate you, my boy. Let me congratulate you. I did not WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 43 know zat von were one of lis, one of ze Old Guard, one of ze devil of a fellow like nie. I did not know zat, mv bov, T did not know it. Smith, (c.) What are you talking about? General. Did I not see you kiss her? Did 1 not iniderstand? But I do not blame you, my bov. Not at all, not at all. Smith. But that was a mistake, (dou-n R.) General. Of course. Of course it was all ze mistake. You may tell zat to ze ladies, but not to me. Oh, no. not to me, my boy, not to me. S^iiTH. (hacl- to General^ General, you are wron«-. She was wearing Marion's dress. I mis- took her for my wife. General, (l. c.) Lofely, lofely ! You should not be the contractor, l^ou should be ze special correspondent. (Smith hotrs) You lie so beau- tifully. Smith, (c.) But it isn't a lie. It's the truth. General, (l. c.) My dear fellow, you hurt my feelings to joke wiz me like zat— you hurt my feelings. Do you not see I am one of you, you are one of me, we are not one of ze Old Guard. [placinq hand on Smith's shoulder) Smith, {impatiently going to R.) I am not. iokino- I was never more in earnest in my life. General. And was it— was it really ze grand mistake? ^ . Smith, (r. c.) That's what I've been trying to tell you. ^ ^^ „^ General. And you are not one of us after all I Smith, [coming to c.) Well, hardly. General, {qoing l.) Zat is too bad, zat is too bad. {turns,^looks at Smith) And it was ze dress, it was ze dress. Smith, (c.) Y^es, it was the dress. General, [crossing to Smith) That is too bad again. Pardon, one minute. Do you think 44 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. my wife's dres.s would fit zat girl? Smith. What's that? General, (going doicn l.) Oh, I was just sinking about something, zat was all. (turning^ going totcards Smith) Pardon, one minute more. And have you told about zis dress to your wife? Smith. Yes, and everything's all right, (going R. c.) General. Lucky fellow. And have you seen ze girl to get ze story straight wiz her? Smith. The story is true and I don't have to see her. (going r. c.) General, (l. Jjeckoning Smith to him) My boy, my dear boy, you see ze girl and fix it up. Ze crooked man wiz ze straight story, he is all right, but ze straight man wiz ze crooked story — he is in the bouillon. You fix it, my boy (crossing to door L. 2., turning to Smith again) vou fix it. (Exits L. 2) Smith, (l. going to door where General exits) Well, isn't he a dizzy old reprobate. But I wouldn't be surprised if he were right. If anyone questioned the girl, and her version didn't agree with mine — (points to himself) bouillon! (puts hand to pocket and takes roll of money out and looks at it) Ah, there's the money I drew for Marion this morning. It Avas mean of me to re- fuse her just because her aunt was coming. How- ever, I will ! (starts up stage and sees maid. (Julia enters c. from r.) Note: — This scene must he played hg Julia with a great deal of decisiveness and assumed in- nocence. Smith's facial expression must help out his points.) Julia. (c. up stage) Excuse me, sir. I WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 45 tlionglit Mrs. Smith was here, {turns to go) Sjiith. (r. c. Goes up and takes her hy the arm) I wish to see you a moment, {hrings her (J oxen c.) (Mrs. B. appears at door.) S:mitii. (speaks to maid) I want to see von Jiboiit that little mistake that occurred this morn- ing. For it was a mistake, wasn't it? JuLTA. (R. c.) I didn't know it was a mistake, sir. S^riTii. (c.) I had never kissed you before, had I? Julia. No, sir, but then everything has to have a beginning. Smith, (r. c.) And did you think I had kissed you knowingly? Julia, (c.) I hadn't thought of that, sir. I only knew that you had kissed me and in the presence of witnesses, (looks up at Smith) Smith. But it was all a misunderstanding, and if anyone questions you, I want 3'OU to tell me so. Julia. I couldn't do that, sir. It would make me look so ridiculous, (looking up at Smith^ then throwing eyes down modestly) Smith, (e.) You ridiculous? How would it make me look? Oh, come, now, it was a mistake, and you know it. Julia, (r. c.) I don't know it, sir, but I might be made to think it. {looking at Smith for an instant) Smith, (c.) What do .you mean? Julia, (r. c.) Well, sir, I should imagine I was doing myself an injustice if I thought it was a mistake — (pause) for less than five hundred dollars. Smith, {moving aicay from her totvards l.) 4G WH'f SMITH LEFT HOME. Five hundred dollars! Five hundred ! (hacJc to Julia) What is this — blackmail? Julia. Blackmail I Blackmail I {looldnf) at Smith, then casting her ej/es clown) And 1 thought yoii were a oentlenian. I wouldn't think it a mistake now, not for a thousand dollars. Smith, (aside) A thousand now. (7o* Julia) You wouldn't, eh I Well, what are you going to do about it? Julia. You'll see, sir. You'll find there's a laAv in this country, a law for the poor as well as for l^he rich ; that is, if they have good witnesses. And I couldn't ask for better witnesses than your wife and her aunt, (lookinq up at Smith) Could I, sir? S:^iith. (l., looks at Julia, goes l. aside) I'm being worked, and I can't help myself, (haclc to Julia) And if I gave you five hundred dollars, do you think you could think it was a mistake? Julia, (r.) I don't know that I ought to, sir, the damage to my feelings is much more than that. To be kissed by you, and then find I was mis- taken for Mrs. Smith — that's very humiliating, sir. {looking at Smith, then doirn) But you've always been good and kind to me, so I'll tak^ tii > five hundred, think it was a mistake and try to forget it. Smith., (c. turns) ^Yell, I'll be ! You'd like to have the money immediateh', of course? Julia, (r. c.) - If you please, sir. Smith. (crosses to desk) Ye — s. Well, I might as well give you the check now as at any other time. Julia, [crossing to sofa l. after speech) Excuse me, sir, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather have the cash. Smith. Oh, you would, would you? W^ell, I have the amount with me. (going to Julia. The WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 47 General and Major appeur c. from k. and see Smith give Julia the moneij. An action of sur- prise on their part, and exit. Smith counts money up to five to Julia) Julia. ( l. c.) I liope this doesn't inconven- ience yon, sir? Smith, (l.) Inconvenience me? Oh, dear, no. T get these little attentions every day. {going l.) Do yon know, I think yon're an aAvfnlly clever girl. Julia. Th.ank yon, sir. {courtesy) Smith. Yes, I do. (crossing to door r. opens door, turns to Julia) Yes, I do. I think 3^ou are so touchingly clever thal^ yon'd better not stay round here. Julia, (going to l. c.) I thonght of that too, sir, and I'm going to give notice to-day. S:>iiTH. Good. Such mistakes, while not ex- actly unpleasant, are decidedly too expensive. (exit into smoking room, stops) Done, done for five hundred. Had I kissed her twice. Oh — — ! (exits R.) Julia. (l. looking at money, then at door where Smith icent off) He's a good, kind man, that's what he is. ( laughs heartily^ goes c. Gen- eral and Major re-enter c.) General, (c. shaking his finger at Julia) Ah, ha, w^e saw you, we saw you, did we not, Major? Major. (l. coming down c. with General) Right you are. General, right you are. Julia, (r. c.) Y^ou evidently misjudge me, gentlemen. I simply struck Mr. Smith for an in- crease of salary. General, (c.) Oh, zen you are the young lady of whom I read so much — ze striking beauty. (turning to Major and giving him a ivink) Ah, Major ! Zat is ze joke — ze French joke. Major. {laughingly) The striking beauty. Capital, General, capital. 48 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. General, (c. to Major) Jnst one word wiz YOU, please, Major. (Major nods yes. General turns to Julia, howing) Pardon! {to Major in pantomime, pointing to Julia as if to say, ''May T speak with her! '^) Major. Certainly, certainly. Still one of the Old Guard. General. Still one of ze Old Guard. Major. Eh, General. General. Eh, Major! Major. Neyer surrender! General. Neyaire surrender, {loek arms and go to door l. 2, looking at eaeh other) General and Major. Ah ! (exit Major) General, (turning meets Julia c.) And now sit down one minute and talk about to-ni2,ht. Julia, (r.) Em afraid it would not be right. I^esides it's dangerous. General. Oh, it will be all right, I can assure you. Sit here Ayiz me one minute and tell me about ze party. (Julia and General sit on tete-a-tete sofa. Gen- eral down stage and Julia opposite.) Julia. Well, as all the family are going out to-night, the girls are going to giye a fancy dress ball. General. Oh, zat will be lofely. Julia. I'm going as (gives description of dress she is to ivear) but so there will be no mistake, I will wear an evening star in my hair. (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. appear at c. door. Julia sitting around to shield the General f7'om their sight.) General. [passing arm around to Julia's WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 49 ) ight shoulder) Ze evening star in ze hair. I vrill remember zat. ^Frs. B. (c. to Mrs. S.) Your husband! Making another mistake. -You shonld have one trained like mine, (coming down c.) And now, Mr. Smith, what is your explanation? (General jumps up, taJ{es l. Julia rises) Mrs. S. (r. r. seeing General, astonished, turns to Mrs. B., points to General) Auntie, my hus- band I (Mrs. S. laughs) Picture (1.) Mrs. B. cr Mrs. S. crosses. Julia crosses. General crosses. ^Irs. B. (r. c. in consternation) How dare you, sir, how dare you? [go up c. arid down c. angrily. Julia comes down l. corner. General appealing to Mrs. S. in pantomime) General, (l. c. pointing to Julians dress) It was the dress, mj dear, it was ze dress. Mrs. S. (r.) Don't you understand? Of course, it was the dress — the dress, {following Mrs. B. up stage) What could be more natural? General, (crossing to Mrs. B.) Zat is it — just like Smith — just like Smith. Mrs. B. (excitedly walking up and doum stage. Coming down to General) That will do, sir, that will do. March right out of here. General, (l. c.) It was ze dress. Mrs. B. (c.) I'll settle with you after a while. General, (l. c. appealingly to Mrs. B.) But it was the dress — it was ze dress. Mrs. B. (c.) Not another word, sir. (stamp- ing her foot) Not another word. (General exits c. off r. protesting.) 50 why: SxMith left home. Mrs. B. (c. coming down to Julia) And as for vou, Miss, pack up your things and leave immediately. Julia, (l.) You are making a slight mistake. I'm not working for von, and you can't discharge me. Mrs. B. (c.) But my niece can. (goes to Mrs. Smith r. c.) Of course you will not allow this person to remain under your roof another minute. Mrs. S. (c. crossing l.) Julia, under the cir- cumstances, I think you had better. Julia, (l.) Just as you say, ma'am. But a little incident occurred this morning of which you were both Avitnesses. It was all a mistake. 1 know, on Mr. Smith's part; but it would be very disagreeable to explain in court, especially as 1 should have to call on you to testify. Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. (r.) What do you mean? Julia, (l.) If you discharged me, it would seem as though you doubted my character, and I should have to bring suit against Mr. Smith in self-defense, especially as I am to be married in three weeks. But if you would let me give you two weeks' notice, I wouldn't think of such a thing, because you've been so good and kind to me. Mrs. S. (c. apart crossing to Mrs. B. down r.) It would never do for this thing to get out. Mrs. B. (r. ajxirt) We must hush it up, of course, but don't let her stay an hour after her notice has expired. Mrs. S. (c.) Well, Julia, as you're to be mar- ried very soon, I'll allow you to remain until two weeks from to-day. Julia, (r.) Thank you, ma'am. Mrs. B. {crossing c. to Marion) Now Marion, let us go and find the General. I am just aching to have a few minutes' quiet conversation with him. Cbell) WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 51 Mrs. S. (c.) Auntie, if my husband were trained like yonrs, I wouldn't have to worry about him, would I? Mrs. B. (c.) Marion! (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. go up c. to exit. (Enter P^lsie l. 3 e, iclth card.) Mrs. S. (R. c.) What? Elsie, (l.) A gentleman to see Mr. Smith, ma'am. Mrs. S. (l. c.) I'll take the card. Show the gentleman in. {reads card) " Count Wilhelm Von Guggenheim." (Elsie exits c.) Mrs. B. a count! Mrs. S. Yes. 1 wonder what he can want with John. Come, Auntie. (Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. exit c.) (Enter Elsie, foUotced hy Count. Elsie courtes- ies to Count and exits. Count comes down c. as Julia crosses to door in partition. Count sees her, Julia turns, and the Count Reckons.) Count, (c.) You work mit dose people dat is here? No? Yes? Julia, (r.) Yes, sir. Count, (c.) And you know about dose people, what is going on. No? Yes? Julia, (r. c.) Well, I should say so. Count. Den told me about Miss Schmidt. Is she — is she — (Count taking stage l.) Ach mein gott. How shall I say him. [turns and rushes hack to Julia r. c.) Is she going mit anoder man to marry, already? No? Yes? 52 WHf SMITH LEFT HOME. Julia, (r. c.) Miss Smith? Well, I should say not! Count. Den a chance there is for me. Maybe, uerhaps. Julia. (r. c.) A chance for yon, with Miss Smith ? Count. I see tw o ladies on der street mit one anudder side hj each. Julia. Side by each ? Count. Der one lofely and young, der odder unlofely and unyoung, I to my friend say, '' Who are dey." He say, '' Mrs. and Miss Schmidt, '' nnd dough der mudder, I like me not. I in lofe do fall right away mit der beautiful Miss Schmidt. {taking l. c.) Julia, (aside) This is too good to spoil, (to Count) The ladies are not mother and daughter, Count. They are sisters-in-law. Count, (hack to c.) Is dot so ! I am glad you told me. If I to Mrs. Schmidt had called her mudder of Miss Schmidt, I might make offend by her. No ? Yes ? Julia, (r. c.) She certainly would fhink it rather queer. Smith, (c. outside) I wonder what he wants with me. Julia, (r.) There's Mr. Smith, (exit Julia through door of partition. Count takes l. c. as Smith enters c.) Smith. (c.) Count Von Guggenheim. (Smith has some difficulty with the name. Count hows) I am Mr. Smith. What can I do for you? Count, (l. approaching Smith) I quick to the point will reach. You a sister possession and I by her would marry for I lofe her with all the wholeness of my heart. (Smith starts for door R. as though afraid; stops at door) Smith, (r.) I'm afraid my hearing isn't good. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 5:j You wish to many my sister? [coming down to Count) Count, (l. hoivs) You liafe said. Und so as is del- custom mit der Von Guggeniieim, I to you haf come as der top of der liouse. (SxMith looks astonished) You look astonishment. Smith, (c.) Yes, it's my turn. Count, (l. ecstatically) But she is so beauti- ful — she is so beautiful, {taking l. c.) Smith. ( r. c. ) My sister beautiful! Well, they say that love is blind. CoirNT. (c.) :Mit der hair like der blackness of der night. Smith, (r. aside) He's not only blind, he's color blind. Count. Und so young. Ah ! so lofely and so young. Smith, (r. aside) I wonder what is the mat- ter with him? Guess I'll get out of here, (starts for door r.) Count, (dashing over to Smith) Will you mit her speak for me, und if '^ yes " she do say, you will be mein friend; mine brudder! Smith. I'll be your brudder all right, (hug) I'm not so sure about the friend. Count, (l. c.) Mit her speak as if it was for you. Smith, (r.) No! No! That wouldn't do you justice. Count. I to Berlin go. I must to-night the answer get for to-morrow is the day I sail by. Smith, (c.) Very well, Count. I will speak to my sister, and you can come back for your answer, say at eight o'clock. Count, (crossing r.^ grasping Smith's hand and shaking it) I here will be. Und if " no " she say I myself will suicide, (crossing to c.) Yes, Mr. Schmidt, I your sister so much do lofe dat if she 54 WHi SMITH LEFT HOME. vill not Countess Von Guggenheim be I Avill mit nie to der river go und jump in mit my head in front of my feet, {quick exit l. 3 e.) Hmith. Well, that beats me. (going to desk l. sits and busies himself with papers, etc. Enter Miss Smith) ^Iiss S. John {looking around), has the Count gone ? Smith. Oh, you know? Miss S. (c.) Yes; your wife told me. What did he want? Smith, (l.) Think of the most unlikely thing in the world and you've got it. He wanted to many you. Miss S. (c.) Mel Why, I never even spoke to him. Smith, (l.) That i)robably accounts for it. But there can be no mistake. He made a formal l)roposal, and is coming for his answer at eight o'clock. Miss S. (r.) You wanted me to accept the Major. Your wife spoke of proposals at my time of life, and after all I am to be a countess, for I shall accept him, of course. A countess I 1 wonder what some people will think, now. [taking stage r.) Smith, (c. rising, coming c.) Then you jilt the poor old Major. Miss S. (r.) Jilt him? No, I never accepted him. Smith, (l.) We'll say then that you refuse him. Miss S. Of course I do. Refuse the Major and accept the Count, [crossing l. sits in tete-a-tete sofa. Smith going up c.) Smith. Very well, I'll see him when he comes, and then turn him over to jou, [up c. door. Smith turns, looks at Miss Smith) Young, WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 55 beautiful suicide. Oh, this is too deep for me. (exit R. C.) . o mi MissS. {nslng.) A countess! I a countess? The Countess Von Guo-oenheim. {hoiving. Enter Major) How I will snub that sister-in-law of mine. {eoniing down in front of seat. Major coming down to Miss Smith) Major, (c.) My dear Juliette! Miss S. (l.) Major Duncombe. Major, (c.) Not so formal, Juliette, not so formal. When I remember that glorious half- hour in the conservatory last night and the oaths we swore ! Miss S. Pardon me. If there was any swear- ing done, it was not me. Your ideas about last night seem a little confused. Major, (l. c.) On some points, perhaps, on some points. But there is one thing I shall never forget. You pressed your lips to mine and called me Willie. Miss S. (l.) On the impulse of the moment a girl is likely to do things which she afterwards regrets. (Miss Smith sits in tete-a-tete) Major, {leaning over hack of sofa) Regrets! Regrets! Do you mean ! But no, you can't! You can't— last night you told me to put the question again to-day and you would answer. I do. Juliette, Divinity of my boyhood, idol of my manhood, dream of my soul, will you be Mrs. Wil- liam Duncombe? Miss S. While appreciating the honor you do me, I am compelled to say I must decline it. Major. What— you refuse me. You cannot mean it, Juliette, you cannot mean it. Last night my eves looked love to eyes that spoke again, last night I held you in these arms, last night ! Miss S. (r. rising from sofa and crossing r.) Last night has passed and this is to-day. I repeat I must decline to be Mrs. William Duncombe. 5G WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. ^Iajor. (c. g'oing to c.) But why this change? If T have done anything or said anything — ^ — ! Miss S. (r.) No, no! {taking two steps toicards door it.) Major, (c.) Then what can it be — can there be another? Miss S. {doKii r.) And if there is? [at door R. tal'ing hold of door-lnoh) Major. (r. c. advancing toicards Miss S.) Then I'll have revenge, madam. I'll kill him. Miss S. (opening door in partition and going into the middle room) Don't try to frighten me. Major Duncombe. The gentleman I have promised to marry is fully able to take care of himself. Major, (holding door open) The gentleman you have promised to marry? Miss S. (other room r.) Precisely, (go to door in r. fiat) Major. Who is he? Who is he? Miss 8. (r.) That you Avill learn soon enough, lentil then, rest assured that threats and vows of vengeance will affect him just as little as they affect me. (giving Major look of scorn and exit R.) Major, (speaking as Miss S. goes off r. slam- ming door) We'll see about that, madam. Able to take care of himself, is he. We'll see about that, we'n see about that, (crossing to l. 2 e.) After waiting twenty years to be jilted like this. (exit L. 2) (Enter Mrs. Smith, Mrs. B. and General c. Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. coming down. Gen- eral remmns up stage.) Mrs. B. (r. c.) I never tasted such a luncheon in all my life. Positively, I never did. Mrs. S. (l.) And she came so highly recom- V/HY SMITH LEFT HOME. 57 mended, T eannot understand it. (going l. to fD'iting desk. General coming doiim c.) ]Mrs. B. (r. c.) The General here with his ejyicnrean taste, could not eat a single thing. General, (c. uj?) I am ze guest and would nevaire complain, (crossing to Mrs. B. r.) Mrs. B. (r. to Mrs. S.) Surely you will not tolerate such a state of affairs. Mrs. S. (l. ringing hell on desk) Indeed, I shall not. (enter Elsie c. from, l.) Elsie, send the cook here to me. (Elsie exits c. r.) Mrs. B. Let me talk to her, dear, I'm afraid you'll be too gentle with her. I'll show you how to train your servants. (Enter Layinia from c. wiping hands on apron; comes down c. to Mrs. S. c.) Layinia. (c. to Mrs. S.) You sent for me, ma'am. Mrs. S. (l.) Yes, Lavinia, how dare you Mrs. B. (r. c.) That was a fine luncheon, wasn't it? And you profess to be a cook. Lavinia. (c.) Are you speakin' to me? Mrs. B. (r. c.) Of course I am. Lavinia. Well, I never speak to strangers about my work. It's agin' the rules o' the union. Mrs. B. (r. c.) That may be, but I am talking to you, and I repeat that such cooking is a dis- grace, and if it occurs again, you will pack your trunk and leave immediately, you understand — immediately. Lavinia. (c> turning to Mrs. S.) Introduce me to this person. Introduce me, so that I can speak to her without breakin' the rules o' the union. Mrs. Smith, (l. surprised) This is my aunt, Mrs. Billetdoux. 58 WHi SMITH LEFT HOME.- Lavinia. And now that I can speak to voii vrithont breaking the rules of the union, for I am as strict an uniontarian as any lady in this conn- try. How dare you speak to me like that, to me as had ancestors in Holland before Americans were ever thought of. I'm a lady, I am. I'm a lady — or Td slap your face. {Which hrings a general move from everyljodij. C ouster nation. Mrs. S. goes had- of chair at desk l.) Mrs. P>. (r. cor.) General, General, are you going to stand quietly by and see me insulted by this woman? ( General r. c. trying to pacify Mrs. B. in pan- tomime.) Mrs. S. crosses. >.fRS. 1>. crosses. General crosses. Lavinia ci'osses. Lavinia. (c.) Woman I Don't you call me names. I'm a lady and don't you forget it. General, (r. c. up and down r. cor.) {Turn- ing to Lavinia in a. very excited manner) You must not talk so to my wife, or you will have to settle wiz me, wiz me, ze brave general. Lavinia. (l. c. up) I'll settle with you now and in any style you like. You can't bluff me, you parlevoo, frog-eatin' French foreigner, you. (General movement of excitement up and down stage. During the excitement, Smith enters c. Smith meets Lavinia, tvho pantomimes that the trouhle is with Mrs. Billetdoux. Smith^ realizing the situation^ laughs silent- WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 50 Z/y, shakes Lavinia's hand— to her surprise. He then paiitoinimes to T.avtnia '^ Watch me.'' Flays to Mrs. Billetdoux loudly, with as- sumed indiijnatlon) — S^iiTH. (c. up L.) What's all this row about? [conium down stage c.) Lavinia. (up R. point iiig to Mrs. B.) That person is trvin' to get me discharged. Smith, (up r.) And yon refnsed to let her. Right, perfectly right. (Lavinia 7wds) Mn^. B. (r.) I will not stay here to be in- sulted like this. Lavinia. (up r. apart to Smith) Then I'll get the hundred, T get the hundred. Smith. (l. c. to Mrs. B.) The next train leaves in twenty minutes. Shall I order the car- riage. Mrs. B. (r. c.) Immediately, (^mith goes up stage to door in l. 8) General, (r. c. aside) I must not lose ze party like this, (turns and calls to Smith up stage) Oh, Mister Smith! (Smith stops. To Mrs. B.) My dear, stay at least until to-morrow. (Smith rejoins Lavinia ivho is r.) You see, 1 have waited so long for this visit. And Marion, she would be so disappointed, would you not my dear? (looking at Marion. Crossing to l.) Mrs. S. (extreme r.) Of course I should. What would the neighbors think, I couldn't hear of having you go. Lavinia. (c. up. To Smith) I don't get the hundred. I lose twenty-five dollars right here. Mrs. B. (crosses l. to Mrs. S. General goes up stage and drops dotvn l.) Well, dear, for your sake, I will stay until to-morrow, but unless there is a change in several directions (looks at Lavinia and Smith) I shall certainly go home then. 60 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Lavinia. {going io door in partition. To Mrs. S.) If you don't want me for anything else, ma'am, I'll go back to my work. Mrs. S. (l.) That's all, Lavinia, that's all. {leaving Lavinia out. Lavinia opens door) SMiTfi. (r. c.) That's all, Lavinia. Go back to your work. (Mrs. B., Mrs. S. and General meet l. At the same time Lavinia, tolio has gone into smoking- room, beckons Mr. Smith, icho follows her and eloscs door after him.) Lavinia. Everything seems to be coming our way. Smith, (takes Lavinia's hands, laughs, swings her around l.) You're doing nobly. Of course, 1 had to make a pretense of enjoying that luncheon, but the truth is I couldn't eat a thing. Lavinia. (l.) I'd thought of that, sir, and I've got the finest little meal ready for you that you ever tasted, and will serve it in here. Smith, (r.) If you were a man, you'd be a second Napoleon, {exit r.) {Bus. General. Lavinia laughs, chuckles, makes a gesture and dashes through the door r.) General, {leaving Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. goes to c. door) I think I will go and smoke wiz me ze cigar, my dear. Mrs. B. (l. c.) But you will not leave the house, General! General. Of course not, my darling. Mrs. B. {coming up c. to General) To be per- fectly sure that you don't, I'll accompany you. (General in a dejected manner offers his arm to Mrs. B. Both exit c. Lavinia enters r. in smoking-room, places cloth on table, begins to WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 61 cut loaf of hread. Mas. S. going up c. watch- ing Mrs. B. and General off, laughing. Enter Bob l. 2 e. followed hy Rose.) Bob. (l. c.) I hate to mention such, a plebean thing, Marion, but 1 had an early breakfast, and am feeling hungry. (Rose l. folloics Bob) {During this time LAyiNiA cuts hread in silence in snioklng-rooni.) Mrs. S. {coming down c. to Bob) Of course, you know why I didn't invite you to lunch with me. Bob. ( L. ('. ) Because of aunt and your hus- band. But isn't there some quiet, convenient room wheie you could serve me a little meal — anything wonld do. Rose, (l.) Yes, anything. Mrs. S. (c. ) Let me see. Why, yes, of course. (goes to table and rings hell. Enter Elsie c. Elsie, call the cook immediately. {Ea^it Elsie E.) There'll be no difficulty whatever, and you can have your wedding luncheon just as all bridal couples should — alone. Rose. Isn't that lovely? Bob. (l. c.) The very thing. (Mrs. S., Bob and Rose converse in pantomime.) Lavinia. {looking towards door r.) Who's there? Elsie. Mrs Smith wants to see you right away. Lavinia. All right. I'll come. (Lavinia folds hread up in cloth, places it in fire- place R.) Elsie, {entering c.) She's coming, ma'am. (Elsie exits c.) 62 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Bod. (l. c.) You're sure there'll be no danger. Mrs. S. (c.) Quite sure. I'll be careful for my ovrn sake as well as yours. {Enter Lavinia throuf/k door in partition from den. Rose sits l., Bob goes to her. To Lavinia) Lavinia, this lady and gentleman are going to stay to luncheon and I would like to have it served in my husband's den. Lavinia. In there? Mrs. S. (c.) Yes. (Lavinia Tools disturbed) What's the matter? Lavinia. (r. c.) I don't think I can do it, ma'am. Servin' lunches in dins is agin the rules of the union. Mrs. S. (c.) Very well, then. I'll do it my- self, (crossing l. to Rose and Bob) Lavinia. (r.) On second thought, ma'am, I'll accommodate you. Mrs. S. That's very kind of you. But they are hungry, so please don't wait. Lavinia. Why not let them eat in the kitchen ? Rose. (l. cor., rising) Eat in the kitchen I Mrs. S. crosses. Lavinia crosses. Rose crosses. Bob. (l. c. starts to cross to Lavinia. Mrs. Smith stops him icitJi a gesture) The ideal Lavinia. (r.) Well, you needn't be so huffy about it. Just as good people as you eat there. As I said before {to Mrs. Smith) why not let them eat in the kitchen? Mrs. S. (c.) No, no. It is quite out of the question. Bob. (l. c.) Of course it is. Rose. (l. c.) I should say so. Mrs. S. {im patiently) In there, Lavinia, {pointing to door) as I said before. In there. Lavinia. {goes to door leading into den) Very WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. G3 well, ma'am, very well, {opens door, goes into den, shuts door after her) There's going to be trouble. I feel it in my bones. (Exit r. 3) Mr.s. S. [going to doom, opening it) You can ^^'ait in here until she returns. (Bob and Rose pass in, close door and embrace.) Mrs. S. {Opening door suddenly, discovers Bob aiid KosE cnihracing. Mrs. Smith crosses over to L. a)id sits at desk) Ah, be careful not to make any noise. (Bob and Rose sit, Rose at l. of table and Bob at R. in den) Bob. What a funny wedding day. I'm really hungry. Rose. So am I. T do hope she won't be long. (Mrs. B. and Miss S. enter from r. c.) Mrs. B. (r. coming doirn r. c.) Marion, have you heard the news? ?Jiss S. crosses. Mrs. B. crosses. Mrs. S. crosses, Mrs. S. (at desk) No. Mrs. B. (r.) Why Miss Smith tells me that ! Miss S. {coming down c.) Let me tell her. I am to be married to Count Von Guggenheim. What do you think of that. Mrs. S. My dear Juliette, you really ought to see a specialist. This is your second Guggenheim attack to-day. Miss S. (c.) Be as skeptical and sarcastic as you please. The fact remains, nevertheless, that 1 am to be a Countess. Mrs. B. (r. c.) She says that the Count pro- posed to your husband for her hand in the most formal style this afternoon. Miss S. (c.) And is coming for his answer to-night. 64 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. (rising, going down l.) John told you that? Miss S. (r.) He did. Mrs. S. (l.) Ill have to speak to John. His sense of humor is becoming altogether too obstrep- erous. Miss S. (advancing to Mrs. S.) Then you don't believe it. Mrs. S. (crossing r.) Why should I? T know the size of your bank balance, and the Count's eyesight is still good. (Mrs. S. cj'osses to Mrs. B. r. c.) Miss S. (l. c.) I might have expected this. But I shall repay you for everything some day, for let me tell you — Mrs. Smith (Mrs. Smith, c. hoiving.) Allien I'm married to the Count, you won't be able to get your nose inside my door, no indeed, not even with the aid of crowbar. (Eo'it l. 2) Mrs. S. (coming c.) It must be awful to wake up after such a lovely dream. (Enter Elsie c. from l. n-ith letter which she hands to Mrs. Smith. Elsie ea^its same.) Elsie. A letter for you, ma'am. Mrs. S. (l. c. opening letter) From the in- telligence office. I sent word I should want a new maid to take Julia's place. Mrs. B. (r. c.) A sensible idea. Mrs. S. (c.) There's a girl waiting who they think will just suit. Shall we go to see her? Mrs. B. (r.) Yes, dear, but be very careful in your selection this time. Mrs. S. (crossing to u. 3) Indeed I will. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 65 (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. exit l. 3.) Bob. (rising and passing hack of tahle in den) T wonder where that girl is. I can't stand this indefinite postponement of meal time. Hose. (h. of tabic) But what can you do? Bob. (r.) I've got to do something, [discov- ers tahle-cloth at fireplace r. cotitaining hread. Stoops down and examines it) A find! (Then picks it up and places it on the taMe. Gives a larr/e piece of hvead to Rose, takes another piece and sits r. of table. They each take a bite laugh- ingly, and look at each other. Go to take a second bite, look disgnsted) . Rose. A wedding luncheon, (holding bread up and looking at Bob) • (Bob goes up and throws bread in fireplace.) Rose. Take mine, too, I am not selfish. (Bob throws this also in fireplace.) Bob. I'm going to find that cook. Rose. But your aunt. Bob. I'd rather meet aunty than starve to death. You stay here, dear, (starts for door r. in den) Rose. (c. rising) Alone? Bob. (coming back of chair to Rose) There's nothing to be afraid of. Rose. But I'd rather not. Bob. (placing her doivn in chair) There, there. Don't worry. I'll be back in a minute or so. (Bob exits r. from den) (Smith and General enter c. from r. Smith motioning General to keep quiet.) 63 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. General, (u) I am very liimgry, when am 1 to have somethinsj to eat? Smith, (c.) Don't ask any questions, General. Be satisfied witli gettino^ it, and remember you'd go hungry all day if I didn't know that you were a good fellow and would say nothing about it. General, (c.) But where is it? Smith, (l.) In here all by ourselves. (Opening door to den. Smith and General enter den. General enters first, crosses doicn r. Smith sees Rose and starts.) Smith. Confound it I We've got to get this girl out of here, (goes to table to Rose) I beg your pardon but we need this room for a few minutes. Would you oblige me by going in there. {indicating room l.) I said, would you oblige me ! {to General) Oh, confound it, I for- got. She doesn't understand English. General, {down r. cor.) Doesn't understand? Smith, (r. c.) Xo. Came here this morning with her brother. How are we going to get her out of here, {very sharplij to Rose) Get out of here I (Rose, without looking at Smith, starts and sJioics indignation) {to General) I wonder if she understands the sign language? (Approaches Rose, attracts her attention hg striking table, then motions for Iver to leave room. Rose smiles, pretending she does not understand. Lavinia enters during business, goes to head of table. Smith's hand as he makes motions to Rose just misses Lavinia's face, causing her to draw back her hand. Smith turns to Rose, pantomimes for her to go in the other room.) WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (JJ Lavinia. (c. Iniifatcs Smith's Bus.) What game are you playing? {stare hus.) Smith, (r. c.) How are we going to get this girl out of here. Lavinia. Easy enough. I'll tell her to move. Smith, (r.) But she doesn't understand Eng- lish. Lavinia. (laughs) Oh, this is a good joke. [to Kose) He says you don't understand Eng- lish, (grin bus.) Rose smiles vacantly. Lavinia's grin sloivly changes to a look of surprise) Oh, what's the matter with you? General. She does not know. Lavinia. (c.) (to General. Scoivl and grin hits.) But I heard her speaking in there {to Rose) Didn't I hear you say you wouldn't eat in the kitchen? (Rose pretends she does not under- stand) S:\iiTH. (r. c.) You're simply mistaken. Lavinia, (c.) Well, when I know a thing, 1 know it, and I heard ! {Enter Bob r., sees Lavinia and tries to exit r. Lavinia stops him.) Lavinia. {turning to Bob) Here, young man, they're trying to tell me she doesn't understand English. Bob. (r. cor. By the door r.) Si Signora datta righta! She no speaka English. I speaka putta bad. She not speaka him at alia. (Crossing l. go hack of Rose's chair. Rose takes his hand and shows amusement. Lavinia crosses to Smith astonished) Lavinia. (c. to Smith) Is this real, or am I dreaming. OS WHY SMITH LEl^T HOME. Smith, (r.) It's real, of course. This is Sig- iior Damfauo, Mrs. Smith's Italian music master, and this is his sisterino. (Lavixia stares from one to tlie other) Lavinia. (c.) An Italian. Why, I heard them both speaking just as good as you can. Smith. You're simply mistaken. Lavixia. {to Rose) I beg pardon, ma'am, but I Avant to set myself right. Didn't you say you wouldn't eat in the kitchen? (Rose smiles va- cantly) Smith. You see you're wrong, so what's the use talking about it. Get everything ready to bring in, and leave them to me. General, j^ou help Lavinia. ( Gexeral hotcing to Smith, goes to door, doivs to Lavixia^ asking her to go first in pantomime. Lavinia declines, motions to Gexeral to go first and Gexeral exits. Lavixia turns and looks at Rose and Bob and then exits.) (Smith goes up to door leading to room l.) (Rose gets up from chair, goes r. of tahle.) Smith, (to Bob) I beg your pardon, Signor, but we need this room for a few minutes. Would you oblige me by stepping into the other room. {indicating room l.) Bob. {hack of table) Butta your wifea, she tella me to w^aita in dis a one. Smith, (l.) That's all right. But I tell you to wait in data one. {opens door) (Bob passes through door and motions for Rose to follow.) Bob. (c.) But then I notta getta ! V/H\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 69 ^vi'iH (c.) You shall get everything that's coming to you. Go right in tliere if you please. (Rose crosses in front of Smith into door. Bob fakes Rose and leads her l.) Make yourself per- fectly at home. You'll find the chairs very com- fortable. (Smitli closes door, turns and heckons for La- vixiA. hwisix enters r. u'?'f/^ tray, folloiced h)/ General. Smith indicates chair on l. for General. Lavinia places lunch on table. Smith occupies chair r. of taUe.) Bob. {in room l.) Fiud the chairs very com- fortable! As though we could eat chairs! Rose. (c. Bus.) I shall cry pretty soon. Bob (l.) Don't. Please don't, that would be the last straw {emhraces Rose. There is a rattle of disfies in den) I heard dishes rattle in there, and I smell real food, {tries to look through key- hole. Bob places chair close to taUe near door, steppinq on tahle, looks through transom over the door of den. Smith and General Ivave ]ust seated themselves, and are eating) They are eat- ing our lunch. Rose. What! Bob Thev are eating our lunch, {looks again) Cold ham! \looks through transom) Sardines! (looks towards r. and then through transom agam and then at Rose) Cold chicken! {between each article Bob describes Rose makes the exclamation, '' Oh! '') Rose, (l.) Don't. . Bob. {looking through transom again) Ohar- ^RLEl'^^Please don't. (Bob gets down from ^^BoB. {crossing to Rose) It's a shame— I'll never forgive Smith, never ! 70 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. KosE. Compelled to go hungry on one's wed- ding day. This is worse than being stranded with an opera company . {sits on sofa l.) (Bob looks at Rose then goes determinedly to door and raps on it. Smith pantoniimes the General to he silent, exchanges glances ivith Lavinia and General then pantomimes to Lavinia to pnd out who is in the room. She replies in pantomime indicating '^ Yes, I tvilU^ Lavinl\ goes to door.) Lavinia. Who's there? Bob. {at door r. of l. room) Signor Damiano ! Smith. What do you want? Bob. We wanta eatta lunch with you. Smith, (r. of table seated) He wants to join us. How's that for nerve? General, (l. of table seated) I nevaire did hear anything like it, nevaire. Lavinia. (c.) These foreigners is certainly the limit. (Bob raps loudly on door, Smith rises, motions Lavinia aside, crosses to door, opens door) Smith. Young man, what do you think this house is — a restaurant. Bob. I hava breakfast early dissa morning. Smith. I did the same, so there's no advantage at the post. Bob. But I hava notta eaten sinca den. Smith. Neither have I. That's even at the half. Bob. And I am a hungry. Smith. Same here. We're neck and neck in the stretch. Bob. But I have no food. AVHY irfMITH LJjFT HOME. 71 Smith. I have, so I win. (Smith closes door, goes clown to table. General reaehes his hand, Smith grasps it and shal'es it heartihj. Smith returns, opens door im- mediately.) Smith. Another thino:, I don't know what yon're hangino^ round here for anyway. One mio'ht almop.t imagine yon thonght you'd come here to stay. Rob. We know we notta goins^ to stay. S3.11TH. And I know it, too, so take a friendly tip, and go back home to mother. (Smith slams door again, loeJcs it and sits douvi at table. Lavinia exits r. General helping Smith to chicken.) Bop., (looking at Rose) Go back home to mother I Rose, (l.) T almost wish I conld. (shows symptoms of crying) Bob. (l. c. Taking Rose in his arms) Don't cry. Rose. Please don't cry. Rose. I'll try not to. Mrs. B. (r. outside) The idea of sending such a girl. It is simply preposterous. Bob. (looking astonished) That's aunt. Come Rose, she mustn't see me. (Bob and Rose exit quickly l. 2) (Mrs. S. and ^Irs. B. enter at the same time, L. 3 E.) Mrs. S. (coming down c.) And had never worked anywhere before, and came simply because they told her it was an easy place. 73 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. B. (r.) That should not surprise you. She was the average pleasant, intelligent and re- liable girl. Smltii. (hi (Jen) Well, General, how do you like it? General. Oh, it is good, it is Yerv good. (The General rnal-es an ejaf^nlation as thonf/h Jw had hiftein Jits tongue) . Bmith. For heaven's sake, keep quiet. You'll rpuse tjie whole house. General. But niY teeth — niY teeth— they step on my tongue. ::Mrs.jB> (Jisfening, JooJcing towards door. Pointing to door of den.) There's some one in there. Mrs. R. (l.) (aside) Bob and Rose. Mrs. B. (r.) Don't you hear a noise, Mrs. S. (c.) I- -I didn't think so. ^Irs. B. (going toicards door Jeading to den, Mrh.^, trijing to detain Mrs. B.) Well, I did. Mrs. S. Don't go ! Don't ^o ! Mrs. B,r ;,(r.,c.) Why not? Mrs. S. (c.) Because 1 didn't hear anything, and so there ean't be anyone there. ]\[rs. B. (r.) Then where's the harm in my looking? Mrs. S^ ;^(c..) But I — I may be mistaken, and it might be burglars. Mrs, B..i , ; {^\, ■, Qi ) Burglars I MRS..^.\,».fc..) ,8Yes. Last night they broke in next door and stole everything except the piano, the cat, and bird cage. (Enter Lavixlv frotn door r. wltJi pJate of hread.) : /Mr^-.Bi. ; ((f^.) Did you notify the policeman? jpri^MRS. ^ i;'(-c4 nJS^Di You see, he's an awfully nice man with a l£irge family, and we didn't want WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 73 him to get into trouble. Come, Auntie {taking Mrs. B. by the arm as if to lead her away) Mrs. B. (releasing herself) No, indeed. I am going to investigate, (goes to door r., lools through keyhole. Lavinia, General and Smith pantomiming. Mrs. Smith looks alarmed) Mrs. S. Poor Bob, I did tlie best I could. (Mrs. B. mounts tahle, looks through transom, irhile at the same time Bob and Rose appear at door l. 2 and snap fingers to attract Mrs. Smith's attention. Mrs. Smith turns and sees Bob and Rose. Mrs. S. (in undertone) Go back, go back, (to Bob and Rose.. They both exit l. 2.) (Mrs. B. up on table looks through transom and beckons for Marion to come over and see.) Mrs. S. Is it burglars? Mrs, B. (getting doirn from table) No, it is your husband and the General, and they are eat- ing. Mrs. S. (c.) Eating I Mrs. B. Yes, and that cook is waiting on them. (Mrs. Smith pushes Mrs. B. np stage and mounts table, looks over transom, then motions for Mrs. B. to go to the door.) Mrs. S. Hush, it's a conspiracy. (Smith motions Lavinia to take lunch off, tvhich she does through door r. from den.) Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) What can we do? Mrs. S. (above door) Be quiet and overhear all we can. 74 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (Mrs. *S'. h)ol:s fhroiifjh transom and Mrs. E. tliroHfjli Iceyhole.) General. And now I will tell yon sonietliin«j becanse von are ze good fellow like me and will nosings tell like me. Smith. Tf it's anything von want kept qniet, General, von can depend on me. General, (still seated at tal)le) The servants are going to give a party here fo-night. (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. looJcinfj at each other.) Smith, (l.) Here? General. Yes, sure. Ze family go ont, zen say have ze honse all to themselves. It is ze good sing. (Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. look at each other and nod their heads.) Smith. Yes, (rising) I shonld say it was a good thing. General, (risiuf/) And I shall be zere. (Mrs. B., nodding, indicating ''we understand you.") S?>iith. Yon? (Both come down in front of taUe) General. Yes, I have it all feexed wiz zat maid. General.. Yes, I have it all feexed wiz zat maid. She will be dressed (describes dress) as the night. The evening star in the hair. There will be no mistake. Mrs. S. (looking through transom, then down to Mrs. B.) The old villain. We'll see about that. AVHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 75 Smitpi. (r. 0.) You promised to go out with your wife. General, (c. 1)1 front of table) Oh, but I will have ze headache! Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) He little knows what a good one it will be. General. (to Smith) And you will be zere? ( 7'ises ) Smith. I will be there without fail. {Handshakes Bus. for Mrs. Smith and Mrs. B.) General. Capital, capital! I knew you were one of us after all, even if zat was ze mistake siz morning, huh ! Smith. You don't seem to believe that. General. I, oh — no ! Smith. All right. Have it your own way. (Mrs. B. goes to c. ^Irs. S. descends from table, puts table back.) Smith, (aside) I'll see about servants having parties in my house. Mrs. B. (c.) (to Mrs. S.) You heard? Mrs. S. I did. Mrs. B. What shall we do now? Mrs. S. Confront them. [Going to door leading into den, rattles knob three times. ) Smith, (ivith a look of surprise. To General) After turning him down as I did, there's that damned Italian again. (Mrs. S. knocks on door. Smith goes to door. General up r.) If you don't get away from that door, I'll come in there and dust the furniture with you. {back to General. An exchange of looks of astonishment between 7(; WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. B. und ^Irs. 8. ^[rs. S. Joiocks again) I'll soun settle this, {goes hack of taMe, takes off coat, rolls up shirt sleeves, indicates to General ich. ^^^^^^^ s^KS^^ArtiJSh^"-^:.?^^ ""Bo'^'a'cT^Oh'wre suspicions of hubby? MRS. t ioming R. c.) Not by any means. IG*? 78 WHY SIuITH LEFT HOME. Auy wife can tell you that there is a wide differ- ence between suspecting one's husband and want- ing to know^ what he does. BoE. (l. c.) I'll remember that. Mrs. S. (c.) To do thoroughly what I wish you to do will necessitate your mingling more or less with the servants, and going in the kitchen will give you a chance to get acquainted. Bob. [crossing to Mrs. S.) Then, as I under- stand it, you wish us to attend the party, too? Mrs. S. (c.) If you are willing. Bob. Willing isn't the word. We'll be de- iiffhted. 'fe' (Smith appears l. 3.) Mrs. S. (kisses him, Smith starts) But then you always were the loveliest brother. Smith, (aside) Oh ! brother Bob ! Bob. (l.) But about Kose? I left her here and she seems to have disappeared. Mrs. S. (c.) Probably went to look for you. Come along, we'll find her and arrange details. (Mrs. S. and Bob exeunt r. 3.) Smith, (c.) (from 'behind curtain, looking at them, coming doicn c.) Oh, that's the brother Bob, is it? Why is he there masquerading in a band uniform, and Avho is the girl. Something for me, to look into. (Rose enters r. 2 e., takes sheet of music from piano. Sits r.) Rose. Why doesn't Bob come back? (Sits in chair r. Smith turns and sees Rose. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Jl) Smith up l. 3 entmnce, looks off, motions General to come on. General enters. Smith tales him hy the arm, hrlngs him toicards c.) Smith. I believe that girl understands Eng- lish. General, {up c.) No. Smith, (c.) I imagine I can prove it. Ge n eral. ( c. ) How ? Xote: — Smith plai/s this ivhole scene with 'bur- lesque seriousness. Smith. By a bluff. Help me out. {hoth com- ing doivn stage) No wonder yon don't believe it, but I saw iiim— saw that Italian music master kiss my wife. (Rose smiles) General. (crosses l.) Oh, what a villain I {going l.) Smith, (c.) Do you know what T am going to do? I'm going to kill him— (looking at Rose. Rose is frightened) General, (l.) Yes, zat is right, kill him, kill him. Smith. I'll kill him so dead that the proverbial door-nail will seem as lively as a galvanized jack- rabbit. In there (pointing to door l. 2) you will find a gun General, (l.) A gun! Sbiith. a buom — buom gun — (General crosses toicards door. Smith follows) bring it to me, bring it to me, and I'll give you a magnifi- cent illustration of a man booming business for the nearest undertaker. (General exits l. 2. Smith stveeps up stage. As Smith goes up. Rose watches him and rises as if to entreat him, when Smith looks at her she drops hack into her chair) And to think that it should come to this, that all 80 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. niY liappinef>:s has been but a dream to be shat- tered by this rude awakerxing {(jlanchuj at Rose) and that even into my little garden of Eden a ser- pent should crawl — {coming doivii c.) Oh, 1 can't bear it, I can't bear it. (looldng at Rose) General, (re-enters l. 2, toith pistol, coming to c.) Is zis se one? (General hands Smith the pistol, Rose lools alarmed — the pistol is a large, old-fashiotied one with a doiiMe cock, and as Smith cocks it hefore speaking. Rose starts.) Smith, (c.) It is not so large as I might have wished, but it will do. And now. General, I go to perform a sacred duty, to wipe off the earth a double-dyed villain who has been contaminating its atmosphere too long; my blood boils within me, my soul cries out for vengeance, and I'll have it, I'll kill him. (starts toward door r.) Rose, (rising and catching his hand) But it is all a mistake. (Smith and General laugh emdt- antly. Rose fearful at having betrayed herself) Smith, (r. c. to Rose) Oh, so you not only understand English, but you speak it as well. Caught, my dear, caught as nicely as could be. And now, what does it all mean? Rose, (stuttering and embarrassed) He is your wife's brother. And having nowhere else to go came here. As Mrs. Smith's auntie came also she was afraid to tell you about it and so passed us off as some one else. (Rose goes to door r.) Smith, (turning to General) Two more on me. Clear, General ! General, (l.) Perfectly, my boy. Rose. (r. turns back) What will they think of me wiien they know about this? Smith, (c.) [going to 'Rose^ -r.) They needn't know. I won't tell them. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 81 Rose. Won't you? Smith. No, I give you my word, and moreover, I'll take a-ood care of vou and Bob in the baro-ain. Rose. ^Vill you? Do you know, I think I shall like vou verv much. Smith. {taMng Rose's hand) And I am quite sure that Bob lias shown excellent taste in the selection of my Avife's sister-in-law. {kisses Rose's hand) Rose, (r.) Brother John! Smith, (r. c.) Sister Rose! (Rose exits r. 2 e. Smith rings hell on tahle r., turns to General, Jauqhs. General laughs, crosses down extreme R. QS Smith goes up to table c, jylaces pistol on tahle. To General) Did I carry it through all right, General? General, (r.) Indeed you did, my boy, indeed you did. (Enter Elsie r. 3, stands at tahle up c, at Elsie's entrance he assumes a semi-tragic pose, rest- ing one hand on an upturned hook, delivers speech very solemnly.) Smith. Elsie, tell Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Billet- doux to come here immediately on a matter of great importance. (Elsie exits r. 3, Smith resumes natural manner, comes doivn to General.) General, (r.) What are you going to do now? .- Smith. (c.) I am going to give my wife a gentle scare, and incidentally give one to yours as well. General. Splendid, splendid, but, my boy, you need not be too gentle with my wife, (both laugh) 82 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. {Enter r. 3, Mrs. Billetdoux and Mrs. Smith, Mrs. B. preceding Mrs. S. Mrs. B. goes l. and sits in chair, Mrs. S. comes down r. to c.) Mrs. B. (as she comes on) Elsie said you wished to see us. Mrs. S. (c. as she comes on) Yes, on a mat- ter of great importance, {coming doivn r. to c.) Smith, (c.) Elsie's mistaken. The matter is verv simple. This morning I kissed your maid. I was able to explain. Less than live minutes ago I saw you kissed by your music master. I wish you to explain. There, that is all. Mrs. S. (l. c.) You saw him? Smith. (c.) Yes, my dear, I saw him, and now for the explanation, please. For, of course, you have one. Mrs. S. (l. c.) I can explain, John, but don't you see — {indicating the presence of Mrs. B. and whispering) Smith. (c.) Pardon me, but I don't see. {imitating Mrs. S.'s gestures and ivhisper) Mrs. S. (l. c.) I can explain easily enough, John, but not now. Smith, (c.) {mocl: seriousness) Let me un- derstand the matter, please, {tvinks at General R.) I make this assertion in the presence of your aunt. You neither deny nor explain it. What am 1 to infer? Mrs. S. (l. c.) Don't be foolish. When you understand jon will know I am not in the least to blame. (Mrs. S. goes up c. to window, stands with t)ac7c to audience.) Smith, (c.) I know that now, but the blame must fall on some one, and I'm going to place it WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. §3 where it belongs — (to Mrs. B.) and that's on you, madam. On 3^011 1 (Smith JooKs at General, tcho motions Smith to continue and shotv^ great amusement) ^[rs. B. (l.) (IooJxS Indignantly at Smith) On me? Smith, (c. of n.) You took into your house- liold a young and innocent girl. You were her guide, philosopher and friend. You instilled into lier mind your ideas and your maxims. She was clay in your hands to be moulded as you pleased. And what is the result? Before the honeymoon is over, yes, even before it has begun, her husband .sees her kissed by her music master. And now, madam, what defence have you to make? What can you say in extenuation of this conduct, the responsibility for which rests on you and you alone, (triamphanth/ lool-ing at General. Gen- eral I'ery much pleased, laughs at the situation, Mrs. B. astonished, sinks into chair r. of table l.) i gloatingly) Well, madam, have you nothing to say, have you no excuse to offer? {shakes hands with General c.) Mrs. B. (l. in chair ^ looks at Smith, dut doesn't see hus. with General) Well, I declare! Why should you (Jumps to hack of Mrs; B.'s chair and breaks it on her.) Smith, (l.) How dare you answer me. How dare you? {Picture : Mrs. B. in chair looking up at Smith completely dumbfounded. Smith at her R., left hand on hack of her chair, looking down on her. Back again to Mrs. B.) Your husband, here-— {going over to General, slaps him on hack) Brave man as he is, willing to shed his life's blood in your defence when he can do so S4 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. wirli Iionor, even he remains silent. (Smith nudgiHij General lolth dhow — General veri/ pompoushj goes r. saylncf •* Silent/- By this time Mrs. Smith has icorked doicn c. without seeing htis. hetween Smith and General, so as to meet Smith. Smith to ^Irh. S.) You, I hold guilt- less, and against you cherish no resentment, but you, madam, you I leave alone with j'our hus- band, your niece and a conscience which I should imagine would haunt you to your grave. (Mrs. B. starts, shows disturhed feeling. Smith takes pis- tol from taJ)le c. — at the same time, Mrs. S. joins Mrs. B., who is seated in chair r. of tahle l. Gen- eral watches Smith all through the scene until he makes exit) Yes, madam, to your grave. {As Saiith exits the General looks at him. waves his hand approvingly, turns down stage and laughs heartily.) Mrs. B. {crossing r. Seeing General laughing, rises from chair) General I General I {crosses to her R. of chair) General, (r., stops laughing, looks at Mrs. B.) Yes, my darling, {crosses up behind arm-chair r.) Mrs. S. (l. c.) What is the matter with John? Mrs. B. (r. c.) That's just what I should like to know. But you did right not to deny it. The idea of his accusing you of such a thing. (Lavinia appears at l. 3, catches General's eye. As General sees her, turns, making quick exit r.) Mrs. S. (l. c.) Absurd, isn't it? (Lavinia comes down stage c, with letter in hand.) WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 85 Lavinia. (c. to Mrs. S.) What is the meaning of tliis, ma'am? Mrs. S. (l.) You can easily ascertain by read- ing it. Lavinia. (c. reads) " I shall not require your services after to-night." {to Mrs. S.) Then I am discharged, am I? ^[rs. S. (l. c.) You are. Lavinia. (c.) On what grounds? Mrs. B. (r. c.) Details are entirely unneces- sary. Lavinia. {faces Mrs. B.) In the polite society to which I am accustomed, ladies never put in their spoke until they are spoken to. Please re- member that, Mrs. Busybody. ^Irs. B. {lool'lng indignantly at Lavinia) General! General! {looking surpiised at finding General gone) Lavinia. {comes down) Being a brave man, he skipped out when I stepped in. [waves Mrs. B. aside. Mrs. B. goes to u of taMe l. to Mrs. S.) Now, ma'am, please tell me why I am dis- charged? Mrs. S. (l. c.) For what occurred this after- noon. Lavinia. (r. c.) And what was that? Mrs. S. (l.) There is no necessity for any dis- cussion. (Mrs. B. comes down l. and Mrs. S. goes foMRS. B.) Lavinia. {crosses to r.) Oh, there isn't, isn't there. We'll soon find out about that. (Lavinia rings hell on small table r. of piano. Enter Elsie and Julia — Julia l., P^lsie r. 3. Lavinia turns and speaks to two servants) By virtue of the au- thority vested in me as secretary of the Cook Ladies' Union, I declare a strike in this house. {looks at Mrs. Smith) Now, is there any neces- sitv for a discussion? 86 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. S. [turns and speal'S to servants) And am 1 to understand tliat von two refuse to con- tinue your duties? (two soraiits stand with folded arms defiant! jj, then start as if to speak) Lavixia. (up c.) Ladies! Ladies I / am spokesman of this committee, (to Mrs. S.) Not only will they refuse to do your v>ork, but your milkman will not leave you any milk, your ice- man will not leave you any ice, your drug clerk will not fill up your |>rescriptions, your coachman will nej^lect to attend to your horses, and so on, etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad valorem. (Lavixia folds arms defiantly) Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) What can you do? Mrs. S. (loolcs crushed) Nothing, (then she recovers lierself) Lavinia, I have considered this matter, and you may remain. TiAvixiA. (waring her hands at tiro servants) That's all, girls, the strike is off. (Julia crosses up l., e.vit l. u, e. Elsie and Lavixia exit, Lavixia defiantly, r. 3 e.) Mrs. S. (going up stage) What Insolence! What insolence! (Bell rings.) Mrs. B. If I were running this establish- ment ! Mrs. S. You would be just as powerless as I am. This is one of the many beneficent results of all being born free and equal. (Exit Mrs. S. and Mrs. B.) (Enter Julia l. 3, followed hy Couxt.) Julia, (crossing r.) Please wait here, sir. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 87 Count, (c.) Excuse me, excuse me. Have you Kome things heard by me since I from here was departured ? Julia, (r, c.) Oh, yes, sir, I heard Mr. Smith tell his wife a very interesting piece of news. Some Avomen are so fortunate. Count, (c.) AchI Go way mit youl But Mrs. Schmidt. What did she about it say? Julia, (r. c.) She said some things certainly were beyond the limit of our finite comprehen- sions. Count. So? Was dat for me in my favor, yes or no? Julia, (r. c.) She meant that she couldn't understand ivJiy you wished to marry Miss Smith. Count. (c.) Not understand! Und Miss Schmidt mit all dose loveliness ! Ach mein Gott, the jealousy of dose womans. {goes down) But it is always as it was. Julia. Yes, I've noticed that, sir. Count, [goes to Julia) Of course, for I can see you are a girl dat can much discrimination. Julia, (r. c.) Thank you, sir. Count, (c.) Und now make haste so quick, say to Herr Schmidt dat I wait here mit myself to see him alone togedder mit me. Julia. I'll hurry, sir. {going up c.) Count, {folloioing Julia up c.) Und say to Herr Schmidt dat I burn mit impatience — burn all up mit him, right from der basement up to der roof. GAL 26— WHY SMITH LEFT HOME Julia, (r, c.) I — I don't understand j^ou, sir. Count. What you call dot feeling when things so slow do go, what you w'ant so quick to go ! Dot feeling which made you burn all up in here — • {hand to heart) in here on the inside of the out- side. 88 WHx SMITH LEFT ROME. Julia. Oh, you mean impatience? Count, (c.) Is da I: him what I mean. Xo? Yes? Julia. ( r. c.) Yes, sir, impatience. Very well, sir, I'll tell him, I'll tell him. (Exit R. 3 e.) Count, (coming down stage l.j Oil, I never like dis did feel before already, no, sir! All der blood Ayhat in my feet should be in und in my hands should be in, und in me all over should be in, is in my throat in. (Enter Smith r. o, going donn r., Count taking stage l. Count is standing at tahle l., look- ing up stage. V^lien he sees Smith he strikes table quiekJji with each hand. Smith is standing at R. of chair l., irhen Coi^nt strikes table Smith jumps over chair and goes quiek- ly to door r. 2. Count rushes over r. in great excitement.) Count, (to Smith) Speak it out, speak it out soon what your sister did say, if you do not want to see me mit dot impatience explosion, (crossing L.) Smith. (r.) I appreciate your feelings. Count, in the matter, l^ou need not worry. Eyerything is all right, (r. corner) Coi'NT. (going to l. c.) Und she Mrs. Countess Von Guggenheim will be? S^iith. (r.) She will. Count, (l. rushing over to Smith, seizing his hand and shaking it violentli/) ^Mein friend und brudder, mein friend und brudder. I am so happy — so happy dat I could sing mit all der strongness of my yoice! (turns up stage in ecstasy) Smith, (r. c. aside) He must be hypnotized. Perhaps he thinks she's an heiress, [to Count) I suppose you know my sister hasn't any money. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 89 Count, {turning and coming down c.) Money, wliat do I care for him. We Von Gnggenlieinis are rich under vonr Astorbilts nnd your Vander- gonlds. Smith, (r.) T am very glad to hear it. Count, (c. approaching S.aiith) Bnt you by me liave been so kind, is dWe one thing more dat YOU Avill do? Smith, (r. c.) There's nothing I wouldn't do to help the good work along. Count. .A s I this afternoon to you have told, I to-morrow s-ail by me for Berlin. If your sister would only— ach, but it could not be— she would not do ir,'she would not do it. (goes and sits r. of table L.) St^iith. Don't you believe she wouldn't. What is it? ' ^ ^^ Count, [rising excitedly and coming to c.) if we could be married by each odder before I go, und we could sail away togedder. (S:^HTH is up c, Count faces him, little down l. As Smith catches the full import of Count's speech, he smiles extravagantly.) Smith, (up c.) Sail away together. (Count nods) To-morrow? Count. ( l. ) You have said. Smith, (c.) This is too easy! This is too easv ! Count, {comes down c, facing Smith) You by me have been so kind— so good— will you not try und arrangement dis as well? {holding out his hand) W' ill you? Will you? Smith. {going to Count, taking Ms hand) . Will I? In a minute, (starting to R. 3) Wait here. I'll arrange it and send her to you. Count, {follows Smith) But she will not do it, she will not do it. 90 V^HY SMITH LEFT HOME. S.AiiTH. (turning) Won't she? You just watch whether she will or not. (Exit Smith R. 8) Count, (coming doirn sftige in rapture) Soon she will be here by me imd I will speak mit her dose lano^naofe of love. I my arms will put her waist around, den I will draw her to me mit der oloscf-^t of nearnesses. When she comes I my hand will do dis — (placing hand on heart) I by myself will do dis — (draws himself up to his full height — coming c, gleefully) then I bow to her mit all mv grracefulness. (hoirs very low, facing R. 3 E.) (Mrs. Smith enters r. 3.) Mrs. S. Well, that is arranged all right, (going to R. c.) Count, (l. c, raising his hand, sees Mrs. S. aside) She is here, she is here! Mrs. S. I beg your pardon, (starts to irith- draw R. 3 e.) Count. (l. c.) Ach, do not go — (starts towards IMrs. S., seizes her hrmd — aside) She is here — mein gott — she is here. !Mrs. S. (r. c. releasing herself) But we have never been introduced, you know, although I un- derstand you are soon to be one of the family. Count, (c.) Mr. Schmidt, he has told you? Mrs. S. (r. c.) Yes. Count. And it is all right? Mrs. S. (r. c.) Of course. Count, (going to Mrs. S. — with great fervor) Mein angel ! (Count clasps Mrs. S. in his arms and tries to kiss her — she struggles, finally releases her- self and pushes him to the l.) WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (Jl Mils. kS. ^Vliat do vuii mean hy siioli conliict? How dare voii, sir, how dare you take such a liberty? {yoing to r.) Count, {coining c. ) Is not dis dere place what I kiss you here? Mrs. S. (hack to r. c.) No, sir, it is not. And let me tell you, if Mr. Smith knew what you have done, he would take great pleasure in providing you with one elegant high-priced marble tomb- stone. Count, (c.) Tombstone? {approaching Mrs. S.) But in Germany, I kiss by you, you kiss by me, I your hand do take und put in mine over under both togeddei' ! Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah, that may be very proper in (lermany, but in this country, all such tokens of affection belong to my sister, {take stage r.) Count, (c.) By your sister? Mrs. y. {coming to r. c.) Of course. And an- other thing, it is her hand you must hold, not mine. Count, (l.) In dis country, I must by your sister make love, under her hand hold by me? Mrs. S. (c.) Most assuredly. Count, {coming down l. — aside) I did not know dis country was so dam foolishness I Mrs. S. (l. c.) As her consent alone is neces- sary, it is into her ears you must pour all your protestations of love ! Count, {going to up c.) I refuse me to do it, I refuse me to do it. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Why so? If your course is prompted by love — as I am told it is. Count, {turning to her) Lofe! In Germany I lofe by one hundred, one thousand womans, but take all of dose, roll it all up into one togedder, und dis time my lofe is one hundred times more bigger dan dose was it is — {'becoming demonstra- 92 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. five) If I conld toid you what is in my heart in ! Mrs. S. (r. r.) My sister, Count, mv sister. Count, (l. c.) I do not like dose sister busi- nesses I Yon are der one I lofe 1 Mrs. R. (r. c, IndUjnantly) Sir! Count, (c.) Yon are der one I lofe — so, why shonld I to dat old woman explanation. Mrs. S. That will do, sir, that will do, I have lieard enongh. (s, that's what I thought this morning, (crossing R.) I'll just give a part- ing pat to my hair, and I'll be back in a minute. (turns) Aiirevoir, Miss Smith. Wanted to marry yon I No — Yes? (Exits r.e.) Mrs. B. (c. coming down c.) You seem very t'riendlv. Mrs." S. (l. c.) To tell yon tlie truth, auntie, I can't think John has been flirting with that oii^l — but I wish to convince myself just the same. Mrs. B. (c.) How can you do it? Mrs. S. (l. c.) Easily enough. As soon as 1 lieard of this party here, I hurried to the cos- tumer's Avhere I found sometliing very suitable for myself, and by paying double prices, I was able to have a costume hurriedly made to order for you. Both are now at Mrs. Flyer's awaiting our arrival. Mrs. B. (c.) Then the idea is for us to change at Mrs. Flyer's, come back here and watch for our husbands without their knowing anything about it? Mrs. S. (l.) Exactly. Mrs. B. (c.) What are our costumes like? Mrs. S. (l!) Mine is the Queen of Hearts, while yours is the exact duplicate of that which mv maid is to wear. IIMI VrHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Miis. I>. (c.) But tlie General may mistake me for her. Mrs. S. I slioTild tliiiik that an excellent idea if I were in your place. Mrs. B. (("., (jo'uig towards Mrs. S.) Now I understand. You do me credit, mv dear, you do me credit. ( (texeral enters r. 3 e. Be has a haiulkerehief tied around his head, and his face wears a rery icae-hef/one expression. ^Irs. S. draws Mrs. B.'s attention to the General.) Mrs. S. (l. apart to Mrs. B. ) Isn't he a pic- ture? (looking at General) Mrs. B. (l. c.) {nudging Mrs. S.) What is the matter. Pet? General, {going towards chair r.) Oh, my liead, my head, (seated) I am so sick, I am so sick. Mrs. S. (aside, to Mrs. B.) Doesn't he do it well. Mrs. B. (to General — looking at ^Marion and then at General) I am so sorry, love! General. It was all right until a minute ago — and zen it began to ache so much, so much. (Smith enters. r. 2 with hat and coat.) Smith, (r.) Hello, what's the matter? (General and Smith exchange looks.) Mrs. S. (l. corner) The General has a most severe headache. Mrs. B. (l. c. to Smith) Most severe. Smith, (crosses to c. crossing to l. of chair) Oh, yes, he mentioned it this morning. It's been coming on all day. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 101 (tEneral. (u. corner pulling Smith's co«f) No, IK), no. Just this ininnte. Just this minute. (Mrs. B. iind Mrs. S. c.ichange glances.) (S^iiTH showing consternation, goes up stage and puts hat and coat on chair.) Mrs. B. (crosses R., crossing hack of General's chair) This is where the pain is {pulling hair) isn't ii, you poor dear? General. Yes. Zat is ze place. Mrs. S. (crossing to General's l. side of^ chair) And here, too, with shooting pains occasionally. {at the same time pinching with her fingers side of General's head) General. Yes, that is it. Ze shooting pains, ze shooting pains. Mrs. B. (crossing l. to Siirrn) See how per- fectly we understand the General. Smith, (c.) Oh, it isn't the headache that is bothering the General. It is the fact that he can- not go with YOU to Mrs. Flyers this eYening. That is Vnat is breaking your heart, isn't it, General? General. (stUl^ seated, very much surprised and pleased) Yes, that just breaks my heart. (Smith goes up stage to table.) Mrs. S. (r. c.) Then we'll stay home and nurse General. (r., rising quickly, goes down r., turns to Mrs. Smith) Not at all, not at all. I am seek enougli to keep me at home, but not seek enough to keep you. Mrs. B. (l. c. to General) Are you sure you won't be lonesome? General, (r.) I am quite sure. l{)2 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. 8. (r. c.) Then we'll take you at your v,'oid. Come, Auntie. (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. go lip c. Smith puts on (leaks of both ladles, Mrs. B.'s upside dotcn) Come, Auntie. ( going towards L. 3 E.) We are very sorry, aren't we, Auntie? ^[rs. B. Yes, very, very sorry. Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. Dear, dear General. (Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. e.rit l. 3.) Smith, (taking coat and hat in liand, meets General c. up stage) Everythino- all rif,dit? General. Everything is beautiful, and you v/ill come ? Smith. T will be here without fail. (aside, going toward l. 3) I'll stop such proceedings in my house. (Exits l. 3) General. (follotcing Smith looks off l. 3) They have gone, they have gone I Bravo I Bravo I (General takes handkerchief from head, starts to dance down stage r. and hack again to c. where he meets Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. who have entered from l. 3 e. having seen him dance. Picture: The General commences to groan as if suffering from headache. Mrs. S. c. General goes r. to chair, Mrs. S. folloioing.) Mrs. S. (c.) What's the matter, General? General, (r.) Oh, my head, my head, such a headache — oh dear, oh dear. Mrs. B. (l. c.) But you were dancing? (Smith apjyears at door l. 3 and catches Gen- eral's eye.) General, (falling into chair) With the pain, my dear, wiz ze pain. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 103 Mrs. S. (c.) That stiijiid Thomas hadn't the carriage round. I snppose it is ready now, but I really think we had better stay home and nurse you. (texkral. (rising quicJdy from chair and turn- ing to Mrs. S.) And keep you from Madam Flyer's? Nevairel Xevairel Mrs. S. (r.) We thoroughly appreciate your consideration. Be good to yourself, General. General, (r. c.) I will, I will. Mrs. B< (going up c.) ^Ye should hate to have anything liappen to you, General, before we get back. ^Irs. S. Indeed we should Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. Before we get back. (Exit Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. l. 3.) General, (going qnicldii to l. 3 watching them off) Zis time eet is all right. (Julia enters, comes doivn c. meets General.) Julia, (r.) Have they gone. General? General, (l. c.) Yes, zey have gone. Julia, (r.) Then I'll call the others. General, (l.) But I have no mask. Julia, (crosses r. 3) Oh, that doesn't matter, I told them you would be here. We are not going to mask until later, (going to r, 3) Come in, girls, everything is all right. [At the same time General goes down l. to ex- treme corner.' Enter Elsie, Rose, Bob, Major from R. 3 chatting and laughing.) General, (l. to Julia) But are zere not going to be any ozzers? 104 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. Julia, ( l. c.) Tliev won't be here for an hour or so. We didn't know what time the family would leave. (Major and IClsie up stacje at table c. Rose and Eoii doivn stage at R. of ehair.) Rose, (seated r.) Where's Lavinia? All. Yes, where is Lavinia? ( Lavixlv enters r. 3, sir-eeps dcirn c, taJcinf/ full stage and standing c.) Lavinlv. (c.) Don't you worry about Lavinia, she's right in line, (speaking as she eomes doicn stage) How do vou like them, girls? Girls. Splendid ! Lovely ! Lavinia. (c.) First time I've had 'em on. 1 feel so dressed up T don't know what to do with myself — I Avant you to look at the material. (Bus. girls all go down stage and examine Lav- inia's dress. General ivalks up haek of table l.) Those little tails is real ermine — the man in the store told me so. A great bargain, a great bar- gain. Paid 78 cents, marked down from |4.99. (Girls go back to position. Elsie goes doicn left and sits in ehair l. Rose and Julia back to their old position.) BoF.. You don't say so. Lavinia. (c.) I do say so. I ought to know, I paid for them. Paid for my crown, too, and 1 think I've been done, it feels as though I had only half a portion, (all laugh) Major. (l. coniing down behind chair r. of table L.) Why, the crown is all right, Lavinia. All. The crown is all right! WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 105 Lavinia. (c.) Fine clothes makes a Leap o' difference. ^Yitli these on I feel every inch a queen, Julia, (l. c.) But what shall we do until the others come? All. {ujy) Yes, what shall we do? Lavinia. (c.) Go right on o' course. All. Good! Good! Lavinia. (c.) But first of all T want to call your attention to a new rale I am going to intro- duce before the executive committee at the next meeting. All. a nciv rule, (all stand up) Lavinia. (c.) Yes, and this is it. No cook lady shall work for any other lady unless the said lady can produce a certificate of character from the cook lady who has just left showing that the said lady is a fit person for the cook lady to asso ciate with, without losing any of that high stand- ing in societv to which a cook ladv is entitled by the nature of her job. All. Splendid! Splendid! Fine! Lavinia. (c.) This is a most important rule. A cook lady without a character is like a balloon. And why is a cook lady without a character like a balloon — because she's no good on earth. I am glad it meets with your distinguished approba- tion. As chairman of the entertainment commit- tee, I calls this meeting to order. (7/ song is used, at the end of the song, all ap- plaud — tliey encore Elsie ivlio comes up stage c.) {Enter Miss Smith from r. 3. At same time, all come to c. and congratulate Elsie.) Miss S. {coming down stage) What is the meaning of this? What is the meaning of this? (Enter Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. l. 3 e.) lOG WHY SMITH LEFT HOMxJ. }.[rs. H. (///) staije c.) Did you hear that. Our husbauds are in there. Mus. B. {up L. c.) What shame! Mrs. S. (c. up) It's worse. It's a disgrace. But we'll show them that they can't deceive us with impunity. Let us join them and see what they are doing. (Jaurjh. Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. start for r. 3. Mrs. S. stops Mrs. B.) No! John is cominc^! Go that way! (pointing to l. 3 e.) Mrs. B. (l. up) What are you going to do? (Mrs. B. tal'cs cloal' and puts it on chair up stage l.) Mrs. S. (up) Go in there, (pointing to l. 3 e.) Mrs. B. (up) What are you going to do? Mrs. S. Find out several things. Among others if that teas a mistake this morning, and if he will flirt with me not knowing who I am. Mrs. B. a splendid idea. Of course he will. (Exit L. 3 E.) (Mrs. S. stands in ivindoiv hack c, hack to audi- ence — throws off cloak as Smith conies down. Enter Smith r. 3 masked.) Smith, (speaking as he comes on down.) They are in there drinking my wine. l]>rinking my wine, helping themselves. But I'll soon put a stop to this, (turns and goes towards d. r. 3 intercepted hy Mrs, S. who is masked. To Mrs. S.) Hello! What is your little game? Mrs. S. (c.) I wish to get acquainted wiz you. (in French dialect) Smith. (l.) Excuse me, not this evening. (motions her aside) Mrs. S. (c.) Ah, but I have been — how you say it? Oh, yes — I have been keeping my eye on WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 107 you, and your face — so handsome, and your phy- sique — so magnificent — zey have made me want to know you ever so much hetter — oh, ever so much better. SAirrH. (to R. of chair r. of table l.) Then let me tel] you that the Avish does not awaken in my breast that spontaneous reciprocity which is — no — in other words, you have got the wrong man. (crosmng to table l.) Mrs. S. (l. c.) Zat could not be possible. Mon- sieur, for I have seen you often and I recognize you. Smfph. (irith masJx on still) OJi, no, you don't. Mrs. S. (l. c.) Pardon, Monsieur, but I do. You are Mr. Smith, ze master of this house, (going to c.) S^iiTH. (L. removing mask — looks at it, put- ting fingers through eyes of mash. Going to c. aside) I knew that was a cheap one. (to Mrs. S.) How did you know that? Mrs. S. (c.) Oh, I know many things you don't zink I know. For instance, you kissed Mad- am's maid this morning. Smith, (l. c.) ^ou know about that, too. Mrs. S. (c.) Everybody will know it to- morrow. Ze Cook Ladies' Union are going — what A'ou say — oh, jes, are going to investigate it, and I am on the committee. SMrrH. (going to Mrs. S. c.) I want to de- clare myself right here. That matter has gone far enough. Imagine how my wife would feel if she knew this was common talk. Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah! Why should Monsieur care how Madam feel. Julia is very pretty. SMrrn. (c.) What if she is. There is only one woman in this world for me — (turning back to Mrs. S.) and that is my wife. lOS WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. ( ?»Iks. S. stai'ts toirards Mr. S. thru ehecJ:s her- self.) Mrs. 8. (R.) Pardon, Monsieur, bill if that is HO, why did you flirt with Madam's maid? S^iiTH. ir. ) T dU\ not flirt with her, I'd liardly spoken to the girl. I mistook her for my Avife. ^Frs. 8. (c.) And yon are not even fond of Jnlia? Not ze least little bit? Smith, (l. c.) She is no more to me than a statne in the library. Mrs. S. (r. c.) And yon really love yonr wife? Smith, (l. c.) Love her I I adore her I (l)acJc to Mrs. S.) 3[rs. S. (c. impulsively, strikes Smith on hacJCy exclaiming in a natural tone) Oh, — John! (Smith falls against table, recovering himself and recognizing the tone — lools around for his wife. Mrs. Smith afraid of discovery goes center and again assumes character of maid.) ^Irs. S. (r.) Pardon, monsieur, pardon. Smith, (c.) Of course I do, and I'd give any- thing in the world rather than have her know this silly story is floating about. Mrs. S. (r.) And if I could stop it. Smith, (c.) You could just about name your own terms. Mrs. S. Zen I sink I can. Smith, (c.) How? Mrs. S. You wait here, and I will return and ex})lain. {going to door r. 2) Smith, {sitting in chair r. of tal)le l.) And remember if you do, you can count me your friend for life. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 109 Mrs. S. (at door r. 2) I will remember, Mon- sieur, I will remember. He loves me, he loves me. I knew it all the time. Dear, old John ! (S:\nTH looks round at her, and she makes hur- ried exit R.) Smith, (rising) That sonnded like my wife's voice? (looks around, sits in chair, takes up l)Ook, pause) She asked me to wait here and she will return and explain — she will return and — (rising, going to exit r. 3) Oh, no — it may be another one of those five-hundred-dollar maids. (Exit R. 3) (Mrs. B. entering hurriedly from l. 3 comes down center.) Mrs. B. (c.) My husband caught a glimpse of me and mistaking me for that wretched maid, is following me. I'll make it interesting for him. (Sits in chair r. of table l. puts on mask. General enters from l. 3 e. doiim c, looks about, sees Mrs. B., mistakes her for the maid.) General, (c.) Most lofely and most beautiful, T see zat you are here. Mrs. B. (charitable) Oh, yes, I am here. (imitating maid) But what would your wife say if she knew of this ? General, (l. c, verp much annoyed) Why speak of her at this happy time. Let us talk of something more pleasant. Zat kiss you promised me this morning. Mrs. B. But you have no business to kiss me. General. My dear girl, I do not kiss you for business. I kiss you for pleasure. 110 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Mrs. B. [angrily, asUle) I will catch him in I lie act. [to General) Well, General, as I have l-roniised you a kiss, you may take it. (General advancing to Mrs. B. heads over and kisses her,) General. What happiness! [Enter Julia r. 3 E. in time to see General Iciss Mrs. B.) Who are you? [to Mrs. B.) Mrs. B. Your Avife. Xoav, Avhat haA^e you to say for j^ourself ? General, (l. c.) Nothing. I am deaf and dumb. Mrs. B. (l.) But I am not, I know all, see. You shall pay dearly for this. We leave this Iiouse now^, this very instant, not another minute do we ^tsij. Understand me, sir, not another minute. Lavinia. (r. 2) No fighting here, no fighting liere. Oh, it's Mrs. Billetdoux ! Mrs. B. Who understands thoroughly what is going on and who leaves to-night, [to Mrs. S. xvJio enters r. 3) Well, what have you learned? Mrs. S. (r.) I have learned. Auntie, that John loves me, and me, alone. Mrs. B. [crosses c.) And I've learned enough to make me determined never to trust my husband from my sight again. General, (l. c:) I am sorry for me. (Smith enters r. 3) Mrs. B. And to take him out of temptation's way T shall depart immediately, General. (Elsie enters r. 3, joined ty Julia. Mr. S. c. Enter Bob and Rose, arm in arm, r. 2 e., see- ing Mr. and Mrs. S. starts hack.) Smith. (c.) Don't worry, everything is all right, Bob. WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Ill { Lively V.V.) Mrs S (l. r.) And you knew? Smith (r.) Oovtainly. {to Bob and Rose) Yon can stav right here and the party may go on to the end.' (to Mrs. S.) Marion, our honey- moon has been delayed too long and we'll start on it right away. Mrs. S. {crossinr/ ^to Uose— enter Major, Miss S.) But I can t go in this dress. . ^ S^^riTH Of course von can. Lavinia, bring Mrs. Smith's cloak. Julia, pack Mrs. Smith's trunks and send them to the Waldorf. Elsie, order the carrias^e immediately. All^ Are you really going to leave home? Smith Yes. for a time at least, and if anyone should ask why I left home, tell them it is because I am in love with my wife. (Smith and Mrs. Smith ea^it l. 3.— Forte) So long, Bob, ta- l^a. Major. Good-bye, everybody. (AU good-lyes, etc.) QUICK CURTAIN. \ c^ LBAp'l2 >4^^ Why Smith Left Home lEORGE H. BROADHURST SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th St., New Y ----'-V * ^i^'rls- , i^'J^^T^., ^1 ^4S0& LIBRARY OF CONGRESS nil llni lliinillHIHi lllll IIIIJ IIJI! II!! 018 602 237 3