5649 \5 H3 >y 1 NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, i3nHCK'3 Edition or PLnY3 A HAPPY PAIR COPYRIGHT. 1889. ^Y WALTER H. BAKER & CO. B AKER^S SELECTED LIST OF JUVENILE OPERETTA? Designed especially for Church, School, and other Amateur Organ- izations. Complete, with all the music and full directions for performance. Grandpa's Birthday. In One Act. Words by Dexter Ssiith; music by C. A. White. For one adult (male or female) and three children;'" chorus, if desired. Pkice, 25 Cents. Jimmy, The Newsboy. In One Act. Written and composed by W. C. Parker. For one adult (male), and one boy. No chorus. Very easy and tuneful. Price, 25 Ce^nts. The Four-leafed Clover. In Three Acts. By Mary B. Horne. For children of from six to fifteen years. Seven boys, seven girls, and choi-us.^ Ve^-y picturesque. Price, 50 Cents. Beans and Buttons. In One Act. Words by Wm. H. Lepere; music by Alfred G. Pgbyn. Two male and two female characters; no chorus. Yery comical and easy. Price, 50 Cents. Hunt the Thimble. In One Act. Words by A. G. Lewis; music by Leo R. Lewis. Two male, two female characters and small chorus. Simple and pretty. • Price, 50 Cents. Red Riding Hood's Rescue. In Four Scenes. Words by J. E. Estabrook; music by J. Astor Broad. Three male, four female characters and chorus. Price,. 50 Cents. Golden Hair and the Three Bears. In Five Scenes. By J. Astor Broad. Three adults (2 m., 1 f.), eight children and chorus. Music is easy, graceful, and pleasing. Price, 75 Cents. R. E. Porter ; or, The Interviewer and the Fairies. In Three Acts. AVords by A. G. Lkwis; music by Leo R. Lewis. Six male, six female characters, and chorus. Very picturesque and pretty. Price, 75 Cents. Gyp, Junior, In Two Acts. Words by Earl Marble; music by D. F. Hodges. Two males, one female (adult), three children and chorus. Very successful and easily produced. Price, 75 Cents. Alvin Gray ; or, The Sailor's Return. In Three Acts. Written and composed by C. A. White. Ten characters, including chorus; can be made more effective by employing a larger number. Price, 75 Cents. Catalogues describing the above and other popular entertain- ments sent free on application to WALTER H. BAKER & CO., THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, No. 23 Winter Street, - Boston, Mass. A HAPPY PAIR A COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT BY S.-THEYRE SMITH New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Original Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original Cast of the Characters, Argument of the Play, Time of Representation, Scene and Property Plots, Diagram of the Stage Setting, Sides of Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- tions of the Performers, Explana- tion of the Stage Directions, ETC., and all of the Stage Business. Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. BOSTON: ^^^^ Yx^a^J^P^ ^ \%\^ A HAPPY PAIR CAST OF CHARACTERS. .'V. 'James' Theatre^ Londotz, March 2nd, 1868. Mr. Honeyton Mr. W. Farren. Mrs. Honeyton Miss Herbert. Time of Playing — -Forty Minutes. THE ARGUMENT. Constance Honeyton, a wife of only a few months, while Availing for her husband to come to breakfast tries to pass away the time by writing letters and gathering flowers for Ferdinand; and she remembers the time when he used to give her flowers and thinks there has been a sad falling off in his affection since their marriage and wishes that human beings, like flowers, could be united without all harmony being lost. But the losing woman determines not to think of their marriage in this melancholy fashion, imagines that her husband is pre-occupied about something, and resolves that their life shall still be couleur de rose if a woman's love can make it so. In the morning's mail are two letters for herself from Florence and Kitty Hayland. The former tells her how sure she is of her perfect bliss with Ferdinand, while the latter having read between the lines of her friend's last letter, tells her in a few energetic words of her confidence that her husband is the cause of this unhappiness, and implores her to assert herself, to treat him exactly as he treats her and not to relax until he is quite subdued. The loyal wife is greatly shocked and very indignant towards Kitty whose interference she angrily resents, and is about to burn the letter when Mr. Honeyton ill-naturedly enters the room. Then A HAPPY PAIR. 3 ensues a scene of sulky indifference on his part in response to the aftection- atc words and caresses of his wife which annoy and disgust him to the point of finally telling her that he married her simply to oblige her, which .o hurts and enrages poor Constance that she suddenly realizes that she lias killed his love by too much cherishing ; so she reluctantly adopts Kitty's :!;ivice and proceeds to pay him back in his oVn coin, which completely *;verwhelms Mr. Honey ton with astonishment and irritation. But the ■ iiange of treatment is productive of a good effect until he finds Kitty's letter which has been carelessly dropped. That makes it quite another matter. He now understands tlie alteration in his wife's manner and will lat allow such a piece of trickery to succeed ; so he acts the part of the )ving husband until Constance joyfully throws aside her mask, when he t:ands her the letter with the assurance that he has discovered her table of rules, which plainly shows her the mistake she has made in assuming a ])art, and she now tells him that he has destroyed all pretended opposition by arousing the real feeling itself, and that henceforth she will not need anoiher's direction but will speak her own words, stand on her own ground and cast duty and obedience to the winds. Ferdinand is thoroughly awakened at last and recognizes that his wife's anger is all due to his cold- ness and ill-temper; and with penitent sincerity he begs her forgiveness which she is only too happy to grant. COSTUMES. Mii. HoNKYTON. — Neglige morning suit. Mrs. HoNEYTOx.—Fashionable morning gown. Hair, d la mode. PROPERTIES. I'urniture and appointments as per scene plot. Books, ornaments, etc., and thread in work 1;ox on table, I.. C. Breakfast and service for tw.) l)ersons, and jar of honey on table, R.; also five letters and two newspapers. Cigars in case on mantel. Bunch of roses for Mrs. Honeyton. Wide- awake hat (for second entrance) and matches for Mr. Honeyton. Fire- .shovel, tongs, etc. STAGE SETTING AND SCENE PLOT. Door Fire Plice Tahle C'bair% ^ Table 4 A HAPPY PAIR. Scene. — Fancy chamber boxed in 30. Doors, r. 3 e. ancl ;.. 2 e., Mantel and fire-place, with fire, c. Window, L. in flat. Breakfast table and chair, R. Small table and chair down l. c. Easy chair and foot-stool. Carpet down. N, B. Set scenery is not essential to the action, and may be dispensed with if preferred, STAGE DIRECTIONS. The player is supposed to face the audience, r., means right; l., left; c, centre ; R. c, right of centre ; L. c, left of centre ; D, F., door in the flat or back scene ; R. F., right side of the flat; L. F., left side of the flat; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; i E., first entrance; 2 E., second entrance ; u. E., upper entrance ; i, 2, or 3 c, first, second or third grooves; UP STAGE, towards the back ; down stage, towards the fooilights, R. R. C. C. L. C. L. Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book protected by copyright. A HAPPY PAIR. Scene. — A breakfast room elegantly furnished — breakfast on the table at ^., fireplace at back in the centre. Large window, L., sofa R., table!., c. doors R. u. E. and 'L. 2 e. Enter, Mrs. Honeyton. There, Ferdinand's not down yet ! How late he is. I've" had some breakfast, for I was so. hungry I could wait no longer — written two letters, been twice round the garden, and gathered these roses on purpose for him. [takes some thread from a work-box and begins to tie them together) There was a time, five months ago, when he used to give me bouquets and not I him. That was before we were married, of course. There seems to be some dreadful principle in human nature, some horrid law, that the man must pay the attentions before marriage and the woman afterwards ; and the men have the best of the bargain, too, for I am sure in my most coquettish moods I never received Ferdinand's attendons, then, with a hundredth part the coldness with which he receives mine now ! O, there's been a sad falling off in him, a sad falhng off, a gradual decadence, a decline and fall in his affections like a thermometer in an increasing frost. There ! [holding tip the bouquet) Don't they look nice now they're tied together? Flow beautifully they harmonize ! O, the happy flowers, that don't change their tint and become something quite different directly they're coupled, as human creatures too often do directly they re tied together — pleasant flowers that can be united in this way v/ithout all harmony being lost. But I won't think of our union, Ferdy's and mine, in this melancholy fashion. Perhaps he's only a little put out about something — I will still be cheerful, and happy, and loving, and in time he must come round again, and be as nice and affectionate as ever. Our life shall not be so unlike the flowers but that it shall be still couleur de rrdy dear. Honey, [grujiis) Oh ! [tosses the roses into the slop-basin and t lakes up the letters) Mrs. H, O, P^erdy, I gathered those roses for you myself, and got my feet so wet walking through the dewy grass. Yes, I did, though somebody used to tell me once that my foot was so light it wouldn't brush the dew oli:^ a daisy. Honey, [coldly) What a fool somebody must have been — once. Mrs. H. [playfully) Why, my darling, you used to say so before we were married, you know. Honey. Have I ever said so since we were married ? Mrs. H. I don't think you have, indeed. Honey. Very well, then. It's plain I've repented of the false- hood, so you needn't throw that in my face again. Mrs. H. Why, my own Nandy didn't think I meant to reproach him. No, no [rising and going towards him with the roses) let me put it in his button hole [taking hold of his coat) and Honey, Constance, for goodness' sake don't paw me about. Will you have the kindness to give me a cup of tea, and not play the fool.? I do very positively decline to be dressed out with flow- ers like a maypole, or a ritualistic church at Christmas-time. Mrs. H. [aside) O, he's crosser than ever to-day. [pours out tea and gives it him) Won't you eat anything, love ? Honey. O, no, don't bother me to eat. Mayn't I even have my own appetite to myself? I abominate having my meals forced down my throat as if I were a confounded cannon. Mrs. H. [sitting dozvn and sipping tea) I've had a letter from Florence Hayland, dearest, [a pause) Such a delightful letter. Shall I read you some of it? [he takes up ajtother letter) Shall I, Ferdy? You were so fond of Florence, you know, [a pause) Shall I read it, Nandy ? [he opens his letter— she reads) " My own precious darling of a Constance " Honey, [to himself) Oh, Gibson's found me a pair of horses at last. Mrs. H. Did you speak, dear? [continuing) "We have just returned from our tour in Spain. Spain is quite the most beauti- ful country you ever beheld. The landscapes are of the most gorgeous colors, being principally " Honey, [to himself) " Coal black," eh ? Mrs. H. [to him) What, dear? [a pause — she continues) "The pastures extending in rich luxuriance for miles, have all " Honey, [to himself ) "Been fired," Hum! Mrs. H. "And the mountains are none of them " Honey, [to himself) " .Less than sixteen hands high.' 8 A HAPPY PAIR. Mrs. H. [io him) Eh, love? [reads) "The people are very curious. All the men have " Honey, [to himself ) " Stringhalt slightly." Don't like that. Mrs. H. [io him) No, dear, of course not. And just listen to this, [reads) "All the women go about with " Honey, [io himself) "One white stocking on the near hind leg." Mrs. H. [to him) What did you say, love? [a pause) Isn't it a strange country, Ferdy ? And then she says — oh, here — " I will come and stay with you as long as ever you like. Give my love to Ferdinand, and " Honey. What's that you're reading? Mrs. H. Florence Hayland's letter, dear? Honey. And what does she say about coming to stay ? Mrs. H. That she will come as soon as ever we like, so I'll write at once and tell her Honey. Not to come. Mrs. H. What, Ferdy ? Honey. Tell her not to come. Mrs. H. O, Ferdy, and you used to like her so. Honey. Do you understand me? — tell her not to come. Mrs. H. But, my dear, after inviting her so warmdy. Honey. You must put her off warmly "" ' .. of course. Be as affectionate as you like by letter — goor knows you've affec- ionate lerms enough at your command. Mrs. H. But you promised at our marri^ric, you know, that she should come. Honey. Oh, marriage promises go for nothing. Mrs. H. [n-proachfiilly) Do they ? Honey. Why, don't they? You promised to obey, you know, but it seems you never meant it. Mrs. H. Oh, Ferdinand, I did and I do. Honey. Then obey. Mrs. H. Whatever you direct, of course — I'll write at once. Exit, sorrowfuliy, L. door. Honey. Scarcely fair, perhaps, that last insinuation of mine. She does the love and obey business to the letter — too much a great deal. Simply sickens me with it. [reaching across the table) Ha, a fly got into the honey ! What ! you would go in for sweets, sir, would you? How do you like it now, eh? Sometliing too much of this, I fancy. Look at the poor wretch, all glued up together, leg tied to leg and wing to wing, as vainly trying to move easily and naturally in his sweet bondage, as a married m.an, con- found it 1 Ha, ha! I can sympathize \\\\\\ you, sir — I understand your feelings perfectly. What am I but a miserable fly in tl c matriividnial honeypot? Upon m.y soul, this perpetual billing rr.J cuoing like a couple of confor.r.ded do\cs — tl-is i Ncilnsting pigeon A HAPPY PAIR. 9 JEnglish, as the Chinaman says, of dears and pets, and sweets and darhngs, is worrying me steadily and surely to an early grave. It's all very well when one's courting, and, for, say a week, perhaps after marriage — but to drag all this sweet stuff into your everyday life, to suppose that a man's ordinary existence is to be for ever garnished with loves and doves, and blisses and kisses !-^'gad. you might as well provision a campaigning army with Everton .offee ! Pah, I must have a cigar to take the sweet taste out of -ny mouth. My vital spark can't stand this much longer. Where i le dickens are my weeds ? Faith, if this sort of thing is to go on, the next quesuon will be — where are he?s ? Oh, for a hitle spirit, a little resistance even ; a little less treacle and a little more Enter, Mrs. Honeyton, l. door. Constance, w-here's my cigar-case? Mrs. H. Here, darling, on the mantelpiece. Shall I pick one out for my own Nandy ? Honey. {Jo audience) Nandy ! My name's Ferdinand, you know ! Mrs. H. And shall I light it for him, as I used to do? Honey, [to audience) Confound it ! [furiously) Will you give me those weeds? Mrs. H. [in astonishinejii) Ferdy ! Honey. Ferdy now. Plague take it, Constance, must my poor name always either drop its tail like a tadpole, or lose its head as if it had been guilty of high treason ? Must it always come limp- ing into the world, with only half its members about it like the statue in Leicester Square? Mrs. H. A few months ago my Ferdinand would not have spoken to his Constance in this cruel — cruel way. Honey. My Ferdinand! I don't know Mrs. Honeyton whether you are designedly insulting me by speaking of me as if I were some one else a great distance off, by utterly ignoring my presence in your immediate neighborhood, but let me tell you that it is a figurative way of cutting me dead in my own house which annoys me excessively; do you understand? — which annoys me exces- sively. Mrs. H. Very well, dear Ferdinand, — I'll not do it again — Fll try to recollect. Honey, [aside) Still treacle ! Linked sweetness long drawn out. [seating himself, l. ; she stands at table, C. , behind him) Mrs. H. Ferdinand! [no answer) Ferdinand! [no answer) Fer- dinand ! Honey, [counting them on his fingers) Yes, now I'm curi; us to know how long you intend to go on repeating my name as if you were some eccentric ghost in a haunted house. That's three times. 10 A HAPPY PAIR. Mrs. H. I was trying to attract your attention as I wished to ask you a question Honey. Be quick then, please ; my cigar's waiting. Mrs. H. Why did you marry me, Ferdinand? Honey. Ha, ha ! eh ! Mrs. H. Why did you marry me ? Honey. Why did I marry you ? ha, ha ! [rising) Oh, you showed so distinctly that you wished it — [^strolling towards the door)—\\\\'\ I did it — [striking a match) — 'pon my word, merely to oblige ) ou , merely to oblige you, by Jove ! Exit, doorh. Mrs. H. [starting up) It's not true — it's— it's — a dreadful story. To oblige m.e ! when he begp"ed and prayed with tears in his eyes that I'd pity him ; when he went down on his knees on the gravel walk, looking so ridiculous but such a darling, and vowed he couldn't live without me ; wlien he talked about early graves and blighted hopes, and blew first hot and then cold, raxing now of fires and then of frosts, his poor heart always at one end of the thermometer or the other, till — till — and all to oVjlige me! It's a dreadful story. I've spoiled him. I've killed his love for me, as an over careful mother may kill her children, by too much cher- ishing. I longed to make my love the sunshine of his life, and now I find the m eeds have grown and not the flowers. O dear Kitty, thanks, thanks for your timicly letter. As my affection only repels him, I'll try what coldness and disdain will do. I'll take a leaf out of his book that shall make him detest his whole library. I'll pay him back in his own coin till he cries out for a reform in the currency. I'll be trodden on no longer without a struggle. The worm has turned at last, the worm has turned, [reading the letter passionately) "I have felt certain from the first that your Ferdinand would turn out a tyrant — entreat you to crush anything of that kind at once — directly he shows the cloven foot, stamp upon it — by our long friendship, by our sisterly affection, by all your hopes of happiness, don't be bullied." I'll try it, I will try it, but only for a short time. If it should fail, I will return submis- sively to my duty ; but if Kitty's plan should succeed, I'll — I'll give her — oh, I'll give her such a bracelet. It is a delicate game I am going to play but surely I cannot lose, as I am playing for love — only for love. [Wo'^^y outside l. 2 E. "Whiffins!") There, he's coming. Can I do it? Yes, I will. Farewell my afiecdon for a short time ; [with a, loving look towards the door) my love puts on its mask and — [changing her expression suddenly) — Now I'm ready, [seats herself at writitig-table, L.) Enter, Mr. Honeyton, doori.., wearing a wide-awake hat. Honey. Whiffins! confound it I where's Whiffins? The grey mare has got loose and there's not a groom to be seen about the A HAPPY PAIR. II place. Provoking*, being interrupted in one's weed in this way — where's Whiffins, d'you hear? Mrs. H. It's not my place to know where Whiffins is. Honey, [with a look of some surprise) It's your place to know where everything is that your husband wants. Mrs. H. Then I ought to know where his manners are, for he wants them woefully. Honey. What do you mean, Mrs. Honeyton ? Mrs. H. Take off your hat, sir, when you enter a room where your wife is sitting. Honey, {^aghast) Upon my life the grey mare has got loose indeed ! [aside — affer a moment removes his hat) Mrs. H. [aside) Oh, how astonished he looks, poor darling. There he has — bless you, Kitty. Honey, [severely) Constance, I find some difficulty in under- standing Mrs. H. The candor of that confession is the only part of it likely to surprise any one who knows you. Honey. V>o you remember to whom you're speaking ? Mrs. H. Disdnctly. It doesn't follow that I must forget you because you so constantly forget yourself. Honey. Don't reply to me in that way. Mrs. H. Don't speak to me in that way, then. Honey. Speak to you ! must I remind you once more that it is for you to obey ; that that's in the marriage service ? Mrs. H. And must I Honey. Hold your tongue, madam. Mrs. H. Pardon me \^[7'isiitg quickly and curtsey i7ig) that's not in the marriage service. Honey, [aside) Confound it ! How — how abominably — pretty she looks. But of course this must not be submitted to. [aloud) Con- stance ! Mrs. H. [forgetting) Yes, dear, [as he turns sharply) Well, sir. Honey. Mrs. Honeyton, I am unable to account for your most extraordinary behavior. Let me tell you Constance, that the duty of a wife Mrs. H. Now look here, sir! I won't be lectured — I simply won't be lectured, so you're only wasting your breath. I'm sick of your sermons; your eternal preachee — preachee. Why, I m.ight as well have been married to a Low Church curate. Honey. I wish to goodness you had been, then, to anybody but me. Mrs. H. Wonderful ! we think alike for once. Honey. What ! Do you mean to say that you regret your raar- ria