PS 3505 
 .U935 
 D4 
 1911 
 Copy 1 
 
 THE DEVIL 
 IN THE CHEESE 
 
THE DEVIL 
 IN THE cheese' 
 
 ''_,.«r4 >. A (Ur>'.. \A/.^ i J 
 
 ^ ■ ^ 
 
PS 3505 
 \^ II 
 
 ©C(,0 ^3764 
 
CHARACTERS OF THE CAST : 
 
 The Devil 
 
 Pray C. Quigley, owner and originator of 
 Quigley's Canned Goods 
 
 James Chard 
 
 Pointell Murphy-Jones 
 
 Mrs. Quigley 
 
 Goldina Cassandra Quigley 
 
 Harriet Diana Quigley 
 
 Dennis Agamemnon Quigley 
 
 Belinda Andromache Quigley 
 
 Josiah Hercules Quigley 
 
 Miss Jemima Bledsoe, English governess 
 
 Lizzie Linnell, Mrs. Quigley's maid 
 
 Chubbock, Quigley's man 
 
 Longmaid, Chard's 2nd man 
 
 Father Petros 
 
 Stephanos 
 
 Constantinos 
 
 Thermopolos 
 
 Monks, Girlhood Friends, College Men and Rabble 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF SCENES : 
 ACT I 
 
 The Monastery of Meteora 
 
 ACT II 
 In Goldina's Head 
 
 ACT III 
 Scene I — In Jimmie's Head 
 Scene II — The Monastery of Meteora 
 
ACTL 
 
 The srene is laid in the Monastery of Meteora m 
 Greece, on the top of a rock, which rises precipitously 400 
 feet above the valley. 
 
 At the back on a high paved terrace is an enormous 
 wooden derrick, and tackle and net used f@r lifting pas- 
 sengers from the base of the cliff, A low wall surrounds 
 the terrace, made of the crudest masonry, running from 
 U, L, to \], R, and then down to L. R, At the left is an 
 old weather-beaten tower with a doorway. Further up 
 stage is an arch, while at U. R. is another stone building 
 with a rough door. There are vines on the walls. At 
 the right is a low, square basin for water set in. the floor. 
 Over the wall at back is a panoramic view of the sur- 
 rounding country and hiils far below the Monastery, 
 
 As curtain rises twenty monks are discovered unpacking 
 crates of Quigley*s Canned Goods and a box of Parmesan 
 Cheese, 
 
 It is raining hard, but the monks are oblivious. 
 
 The rain stops and the sun comes out. 
 
 The rope is violently shaken at the back. 
 
 Enter Father Petros, the head of the Monastery. He 
 is a bustling, ineffectual priest of fifty-six. There is 
 mixture of bland urbanity and ferocious dignity about 
 him. 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Petros. To skeenee! Qufgley. Mr. Quigley, edtho. 
 Embros! {The last vestige of the packing is hastily 
 removed, then while some of the monks lower the net, 
 others with rags on their feet shuffle back and forth over 
 the flagging in a long line with their hands on each other s 
 shoulders singing a monotonous dirge,) 
 
 Petros. Ipocleenetee stilpnos ee pateres mou ke ipete. 
 "Mr. Qufgley and family." {Exit Petros.) 
 
 Monks {bowing). Malista. "Mr. Quigley and fam- 
 ily." {Enter Jimmie Chard in net. He is swung in over 
 the parapet. He sits Turkish fashion and appears to be 
 an attractive youth of about twenty, full of self-confidence 
 and ease.) 
 
 Monks {bozving politely). Mr. Quigley and family. 
 
 Jimmie. Oh, but I'm not "Mr. Quigley and family." 
 My name is Chard, James R. Chard. 
 
 Monks {politely). Mr. Quigley and family. 
 
 Jimmie. My name is Chard, I tell you. C-h-a-r-d. 
 Who is the head of this monastery? I should like to 
 speak to him. I'm in a great hurry, for Mr. Quigley is 
 almost here. 
 
 Monks {pricking up their ears at the word" Quigley") . 
 Ah, malista. Eph aristo poly, Mr. Quigley. 
 
 Jimmie. Greek! Gosh! Do you mean to say you 
 can't speak English? What am I going to do? 
 
 Monks. Malista, Mr. Quigley and family. 
 
 Jimmie. Do you mean to say not one of you knows a 
 word of English? Here, you look like a likely fellow. 
 {He seizes Constantinos by the shoulder, who nearly 
 faints from fright.) 
 
 Constantinos. Oiky, oiky. Pater Petros, Pater. 
 Petros. 
 
 [6] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE {holding him by the shoulder), I'm not going 
 to hurt you. But I want to be a monk for one week — 
 while the Quigleys are here and 
 
 CoNSTANTiNOS, Me pheethesthe ! Me pheethesthe! 
 {Enter Petros hastily in a gorgeous robe,) 
 
 Petros. Oh, Mr, Quigleyl Was Constantinos bad to 
 you? {To Constantinos,) Constantinos, exo, exo, Amesos, 
 
 JiMMiE {delightedly), English] I'm afraid it was I 
 that was bad to Constantinos, He couldn't understand a 
 word I said, 
 
 Petros. No, I am the only one who can speak the 
 English in the monastery. But, welcome, Mr. Quigley 
 and the family. But where is the family? He did not 
 come? 
 
 JiMMiE. I am not Mr. Quigley, My name is Chard, 
 James R. Chard. {Pointing down the valley.) If you 
 look over the cliff you will see a cloud of dust chasing 
 along the road. That's Mr. Quigley, 
 
 Monks {bowing), Malista, Mr, Quigley and family. 
 Petros. Oh, you are the family, then? 
 
 JiMMiE {easily). No, not guilty, I merely want to 
 join the monastery for one week. 
 
 Petros {slowly). Then you are not here. No one is 
 here but Mr. Quigley and family. He said so, and paid 
 so, 
 
 JiMMiE. Then how can you be here? 
 
 Petros. I am Father Petros of the Greek Church of 
 the Monastery of Meteora. 
 
 JiMMiE. Precisely. Well, I want to be a monk of the 
 Greek Church for one week, too. Now,, I'll give you 
 something for your monastery, to make it worth your 
 Mobile, Mr. Quigley loves jokes. Tomorrow at break- 
 
 [7] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 fast I shall suddenly appear and Mr. Quigley will be 
 delighted for he thinks me in Jericho. 
 
 Petros {scratching his head). You think he would be 
 ' — delighted ? 
 
 JiMMiE. Yes, and he will probably make you a pres- 
 ent because you were in the joke with me, 
 
 Petros. You think so? But he — ^he said ''family'" 
 and I said *V^s." 
 
 JiMMiE. That's all right, I'm practically in the fam- 
 ily. There, the rope is shaking. 
 
 Petros, Oh, Mr. Quigley is here again I Gureedzete 
 strevlee, {They lower the net.) Oh, if you are the 
 
 family it would be all right. But^ — no {He shakes 
 
 his head.) 
 
 JiMMiE, Well, I am engaged to his eldest daughter, 
 Goldina Cassandra Quigley, so I should think that 
 
 Petros {very obsequious). That is different. His 
 daughter, oh, that is different. 
 
 JlMMlE {hastily taking off his shoes, socks and coat). 
 Thanks, awfully! I assure you, Mr. Quigley will 
 appreciate it. Now please get me a dressing gown. 
 
 Petros. Constantinos. Agate afton andros khotay 
 mantheas. Go with him. 
 
 JiMMiE. By the bye, a boy from Larissa is coming up 
 here with a wire. He has red hair and his name is Para- 
 pagopolos. 
 
 Petros. He cannot get up here with a wire. It is 
 400 feet. The net. 
 
 JiMMiE. Oh, he will use the net. The wire is for me. 
 
 Petros. Why a wire? 
 
 JiMMiE. Telegram; message from America, and you 
 will give it to me without a word to Mr. Quigley. 
 
 [8] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Petros. Malista, I hope Mr, Quigley will be pleased, 
 
 JiMMiE. Now, Constantinople, I'll go to my room, 
 
 Petros, Gureedzete strevlee. 
 
 JiMMiE. You might carry mj^ coat. Here they come. 
 {He dashes off at [/, L., Constantmos stumbling after 
 him in terror^) 
 
 Const ANTiNOS, Oiky, oiky, {Exit^) 
 
 ( The Quigley family are drawn up and they resemble 
 fish in a net. On the bottom is Chubbock, Quigley's 
 man. He is almost squashed, his eyes are bulgy and he 
 breathes with difficulty. Do the left is Mrs. Quigley, a 
 stout, helpless, though constantly complaining woman of 
 fifty-three., impotent yellow hair and youthful clothes of 
 the ''dernier cri.'" To the right is Pointell Murphy- 
 Jones, who is face down in the net. He is extremely 
 British-looking and wears a shvrt military moustache. On 
 him sits Goldina Cassandra Quigley, She is dark, with 
 rather classical features. At present she is quite unconscious 
 of him she is sitting on, and is gazing skywards with a 
 certain cx)ntemptuous yet resigned indignation, like 
 Madame du Barry in her tumbril. On top sits Pray C. 
 Quigley, He suggests a hen during a setting. He is 
 dressed in a light, flannel suit, waterproof and a sun 
 helmet. Every one looks wet. The humming of voices 
 iS heard like the rumblings of a coming squall before the 
 net is pulled up over the parapet.) 
 
 Chubbock. Ooch] Ooch! Fve lost my breath. 
 
 Quigley. Is that you, Chubbock, I hear *'ooching"? 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, sir. Vm scrapin' the hedge of this 
 'ere precipice with my stomach, sir 
 
 Quigley. Sh! There are ladies present. 
 
 Chubbock. Pardon me, sir, but Fm playin' the part 
 of keel to this 'ere craft and I ain't used to it, 
 
 I9J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {faintly). How soon do we land? 1 
 never shall get over this, 
 
 Petros {stepping forward). Welcome, Mr. Quigley 
 and family, 
 
 Quigley, Thank you. 
 
 Petros. Oh, the pulley is not right for a moment, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. And we are in danger of dropping? 
 
 Petros. We drop you, right away, on the pavement. 
 
 Quigley. It's all right, Mrs. Quigley. It's all 
 right. He means he's going to land us. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. And I've got to be kept here dan- 
 gling over the clifE until he makes up his mind. And even 
 step-ladder heights afEect me. 
 
 Jones. I say, would you mind taking your elbow out 
 of my eye,, Goldina? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Pardon me, Mr. Jones. 
 
 Quigley. What are you mistering him for? His 
 name is Pointell Murphy-Jones. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Is the rope strong? I have never 
 known anything so depraved and barbaric as this. 
 
 Petros. Thermopolos, embros ee strevlee. 
 
 Thermopolos. Malista. {The monks hurry.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Is the rope strong? 
 
 Petros. Not very. It broke last week gone Tuesday. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Merciful heavens! Do you hear 
 that, Mr. Quigley? 
 
 Quigley. Fm not deaf. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. And it's nothing to you if we all 
 break our necks. {She screams.) Oh, there it goes. 
 
 Petros. It is all right. You are here, Mr. Quigley 
 and family. I am sorry you were up in the air so long. 
 
 [10] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 {1 he net sinks onto the parapet followed by an enormous 
 grunt.) 
 
 QuiGLEY, Is that you, Chubbock, I hear grunting 
 again ? 
 
 Chubbock, Get off, get off! I'm busted, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, I think I've fainted, 
 
 QuiGLEY, Who is that wriggling below ? Is that you 
 again, Chubbock? You forget your place. You're a man- 
 servant, not an earthquake, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {trying to get out of the net).. Oh, 
 I'm all caught in the net. Will you examine my foot, 
 Chubbock? 
 
 Chubbock, What's wrong with it, ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley, I don\ know, but It won't come out, 
 
 Chubbock, It's all right now, ma'am. Pull away. 
 The button was wedged, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley. Oh, I never hope to go through such 
 an experience again. And I am soaked to the skin by that 
 terrible rainstorm, 
 
 Jones. Could I ask you to move, Goldlna? I'm most 
 "uncomfortable. {Mrs. Quigley seats herself on the floor 
 up stage.) 
 
 GoLDiNA. To the contrary, I fin<I you very com- 
 fortable — to sit on, 
 
 Quigley. Goldlna, that's not the way to speak to 
 Polntell Jones. Remember vay wishes, 
 
 GoLDiKA. Not much chance to forget them^ papa. 
 
 Quigley. Hurry up and get out, I must send the 
 net down for the rest of them. Petros, one more load. 
 
 Petros. Malista. Stes thesees. Gureedzete strevle^e. 
 {The net is lowered.) 
 
 Ill] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I'm too wretched to speak. Nice 
 treatment this is for bronchitis. My teeth are chatter- 
 ing with the c — c — cold from that rain. I should think 
 if you had a shred of decency, Mr. Quigley, that you 
 would be ashamed to have put your wife through all 
 you've put me through today. A net, a rainstorm and a 
 donkey. Small thanks to you we aren't dead a thousand 
 feet below. 
 
 Quigley. Three hundred feet. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Lizzie, where are you, Lizzie? 
 
 Quigley. She's coming up the next trip. What do 
 you w^ant? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {weeping). I'll wait till she gets here. 
 Would you mind telling me the point in bringing us here 
 in the first place? Would you mind telling me the point 
 in making me ride a donkey, for miles and miles through 
 sun and rain? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Father, I don't see why the rest of the fam- 
 ily should suffer on account of me. 
 
 Quigley. What have you to do with it? This is a 
 wonderful spot and most interesting — and a very unusual 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, come, papa, you can't say that it was 
 for the sake of the view that you brought us here. In my 
 life I have never seen a more empty landscape. You're 
 angry with me and so you're punishing the rest of the 
 family. It's not fair. 
 
 Quigley. Thunderatlon ! I do not intend to explain 
 my actions. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I shouldn't try, if I were you. ( The 
 net reappears again over the parapet. This time contain- 
 ing Belinda, Hercules, who is clutching in sullen grasp 
 tJ.ree dry batteries; Harriet and Denny, and Mrs. 
 
 [12] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Quigley's maidj Lizzie Linnell, and Miss Bledsoe, the 
 English governess.) 
 
 Petros, Welcome to the family:. 
 
 Denny, I beg your pardon. Miss Bledsoe, I didn't 
 Icnow that was your ear. 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. Yes, thanks, Mr, Dennis, Are wc 
 jilmost there by any chancse? 
 
 Denny, Where ? 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. I'm sure I don^t know^ but wherever it 
 IS we are going. I don't dare open my eyes in the air. As 
 I'm very bad on heights, Belinda, dear, don't fuss about 
 
 Belinda, Oh, there goes Hercules. 
 
 Mrs, Qui<}LEy. Horrors! My darling, have you 
 fallen? Answer me, Hercules. Why don't you answer? 
 
 Hercules (with a , pronounced lisp). As a matter of 
 logic, if I had fallen I couldn^t :answer. And if I hadn't 
 fallen tliere is no reason for the question. Q. E. D. 
 P. D, Q. 
 
 Belinda. I was speaking of my book, Hercules and 
 the Apples. And I was in the middle of it when it felL 
 Darnation \ 
 
 Denny {jumpvng out)^ There, Tve landed. Want 
 <\ hand, Harriet? 
 
 Harriet. Yes, give us youT paw, {She jumps,) 
 
 Denny. Will you look at what^s here? 
 
 Harriet, I don^t see a thing, ( The net is meantime 
 landed.) 
 
 Denny {in deepest gloom). There isn^'t a thing. Not 
 a darned thing, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Lizzie, are you landed? Get *ne a 
 \vT3ip then, I'm nearly frozen. 
 
 M3J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Lizzie. I'm thinkin' of givin' notice, ma'am, Fni a 
 respectable woman, and ain't used to bein' treated like a 
 kettle of fish, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley {not paying attention, but with deepest 
 sympathetic feeling). Isn't it? Now get me some wraps 
 while we're waiting to be shown to our rooms. You might 
 see about a fire and have the beds nicely warmed, 
 
 Lizzie. There ain't any wraps. They were in trunks 
 marked Z and E. I put them into those trunks so I could 
 fmd them easy. It's a way of me own, and those trunks, 
 was left in Athens. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. , Then I shall die promptly. There 
 is no other way, for I cannot stand this exposure. 
 
 Denny. Now look here, Governor. I think you 
 might listen a moment. What's the reason for this 
 quarantine ? What have we done ? 
 
 Harriet. "Kidnapping," I call it. . 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Just what it is, Harriet, kidnapping. 
 (With sudden vehemence.) Bluebeard! 
 
 Quigley. You're the worst gang of sports 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I'm sure . it was never one of m.y 
 ambitions to be a sport. All I want is to be let alone in 
 my garden at home. 
 
 Belinda. It's punk sittin' up here on top of nothin'. 
 
 Quigley. Where did Belinda get "punk," Miss Bled- 
 soe ? 
 
 Miss Bledsoe {jumping with surprise). Oh, my 
 word! {Collecting herself.) I can't fancy where she 
 picked it up. 
 
 Hercules {dejectedly) . You've nothing to complain 
 of. Just a book. If you were in my boots. Oh! {He 
 groans.) 
 
 ■ [1+] , 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Belinda, Because Hercules is in love with . Lulu 
 Mellen and she threw him over he thinks he's quite the 
 speed, 
 
 Hercules, It was all a mistake that I can easily 
 explain, but I've got to see her pretty darned quick, for 
 she sails on Tuesday, 
 
 QuiGLEY, Silence, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, And all the time I'm catching my 
 death of cold. 
 
 Denny. I don't think you're treating us square, I 
 ask you, what have we done ? 
 
 Hercules. I may lose Lu forever on account of this 
 nonsense, 
 
 Quigley, Who's Lulu? 
 
 Hercules. Why, Mr, Mellen's Lulu, of course, 
 
 Quigley. Don't you dare call Mr. Mellen Lulu. 
 He's a friend of mine, 
 
 Hercules. I said Mr, Mellen's Lulu, his daughter 
 Lulu. In meeting Lu in swimming down at the beach 
 at Phalerum I seem to have met my Waterloo, 
 
 Quigley. Now be quiet everyone, I brought you 
 here and that should be enough, 
 
 Harriet, You're right, quite enough, and you should 
 allow us to return to Athens at once, 
 
 Quigley. One week. Chubbockl {Chubhock comes 
 forward.) 
 
 Denny. One week of this? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. One week! I can^t, 
 
 Petros- When you wish to talk you must speak to 
 me. 
 
 Harriet {who has been holding an indignation meeting 
 with Denny)., Do you mean to say we aren't supposed to 
 
 [15] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 talk unless we get permission of that? Ridjculoais 5 
 Father, do you mean to say we've got to live according to 
 Monastery rules? Well, I put my foot down. It's bad 
 enough to be dragged away from Athens the night of the 
 Court ball. 
 
 Denny. It's the limit I And I had a match on tomor- 
 row. 
 
 QuiGLEY (to Petros), What do you mean by saying, 
 we have to get permission to speak? 
 
 Petros, No.. I do not say what I mean. When you 
 wish to speak for something speak to me. I am the only 
 one who knows the English. 
 
 Chubbock, Yes, sir. {Quigley whispers in Chubr- 
 bock*s ear. Chubbock goes unnoticed to the back to cut 
 the rope.) 
 
 QuiGLEY. Be quiet. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Just because I told you I'm going to marry 
 Jimmie Chard you abduct the whole family. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Since you bring matters to a head, I'll say 
 this, promise me to give this worthless Chard up and 
 we'll go back to Athens tonight. 
 
 Mrs. QuiGLEY {with sudden enthusiasin) . Oh, do, 
 Goldina. Really, dear, it doesn't matter whom you marry 
 as long as you get a quiet husband. And I have a feeling 
 there isn't a single modern improvement in this place. 
 
 Denny. Don't you do it, Goldina. You stick it out. 
 Jimmie's a corker. 
 
 Harriet. That's not fair. 
 
 Belinda. I agree with mamma. It doesn^t matter 
 whom you marry as long as you're comfortable and have 
 got plenty of money. 
 
 Denny. Governor, you're going at this all wrong. 
 
 [16] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 You can't abduct your family in the twentieth century 
 and get away with it. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I won't hear another word from any of 
 you, I'm keeping Goldina here until that good-for-nothing 
 Jimmie Chard sails home. He leaves in one week. 
 
 Goldina. Where did you get that idea? 
 
 QuiGLEY, From your top bureau drawer. He has to 
 begin washing out ink-wells on the twenty-third. After 
 he is gone, and Greece is safe once more 
 
 Goldina (interrupting). But why imprison the rest 
 of the family? 
 
 QuiGLEY. Because I don't want him to get any clues 
 of your whereabouts. The of^er of this Monastery came 
 just at the right moment. 
 
 Harriet. Showing that you're afraid of him, 
 
 QuiGLEY. And why not? When anyone is as tricky 
 and unprincipled in gaining his ends as to cut a hole in a 
 tin roof and extract a daughter and then attempt an 
 elopement in an aeroplane, I say the only thing left for 
 an honest father is to run. 
 
 Denny. Do you call it honest to hide your family in 
 a spot that's quite off the map ? 
 
 QuiGLEY. I didn't ask for your opinion ■ 
 
 Harriet, Father, will you or yvon't you take us back 
 to Athens? This Monastery is perfectly absurd. 
 
 Denny. Governor, you don't realize that I'm fifteen„ 
 
 QuiGLEY. It's lucky you inform people. {Chubbock 
 whispers in Ouigley's ear.) If you're going to Athens 
 you'll have to jump for it. The rope is cut. {Everybody 
 looks horrified and thunderstruck.) When I say we're 
 up here to stay, I mean it. 
 
 Mrs. QuiGLEY (sharply). Bluebeard! 
 
 [17] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Harriet. Father, you're the limit. 
 QuiGLEY. Now that I've cut myself off from civiliza- 
 tion and Jimmie Chard, I can breathe again. 
 
 Hercules. Heckl 
 
 Belinda. What are we going to live on ? 
 
 QuiGLEY. Quigley's Canned Goods. I sent three cases 
 here. 
 
 Denny. There'll be ten cases of starvation before the 
 week's out. 
 
 Harriet. I'm mad enough to bite. {Song by alh 
 "Mad Enough to Bite/' with refrain, "And so am I, and 
 so am I J and so am I, and I/') 
 
 QuiGLEY. Ungrateful lot! 
 
 Mrs. QuiGLEY. Bluebeard! 
 
 QuiGLEY. Chubbock, serve tea. 
 
 Mrs. QuiGLEY. Not for me, I'm too discouraged to 
 budge. 
 
 Goldina. I don't care for tea. 
 
 Harriet. Tea! Huh! 
 
 Belinda. I'd like some. We'll be eating shoes all too 
 soon. 
 
 QuiGLEY. How about you, Mr. Murphy-Jones? Do 
 you feel in a teaish mood ? 
 
 Murphy-Jones. I don't know but what I do feel 
 like a — little — er (It rains.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley (hastily). Merciful heavens! More 
 rain! (The family rush for convenient doorways.) I 
 can catch pneumonia. There, it has stopped again — for 
 all he cares. 
 
 QuiGLEY. You're always boasting about your talent 
 for catching pneumonia. 
 
 [18] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, Here I am standing with one foot 
 in the grave 
 
 Belinda, That's not a grave, mamma. That's the 
 water trough, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, Horrors I I almost stepped in, (Con- 
 tinuing seriously.) Here I am standing with one foot in 
 the grave 
 
 Quigley, You've been in that position so long one 
 shoulder is higher than the other, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley, I haven't even heard that last remark. 
 As for my children, I have nothing to say about them, 
 
 Quigley, Come now, I let you give 'em their middle 
 names, and a crazier assortment I never knew, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. All of them, Greek heroes and heroines 
 to offset the aunts and uncles on the Quigley side that 
 they begin with. Where are our rooms? 
 
 Denny {coming forward), I don't believe there arc 
 any, I haven't seen anything that looked like a room 
 since I have been here, 
 
 Mrs. Quigley, You mean we have to sleep in the 
 open air? 
 
 Quigley. Petros said he had plenty of rooms. Here's 
 his letter, 
 
 Denny {looking at the letter incredulously, reads) ^ 
 * 'Lovely apartments with Southern exposure," That's 
 good, that is. ** Exposure," 
 
 Quigley. Chubbock! 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, sir, 
 
 Quigley. Tell Petros I want to speak to him at 
 once. 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, sir, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley. Where are our trunks? 
 
 [19] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Chubbock. I haven't seen them, ma' m. 
 
 QuiGLEY {savagely). Hurry up and get Petros. {Exit 
 Chubbock.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Don't blame anyone but yourself. 
 Yourself and that cheese, 
 
 Quigley {instantly on the defensive) . What does 
 "that cheese" signify? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Parmesan cheese that Dr. Bumby 
 warned you about in Italy. As a result you've lost your 
 mind. 
 
 Quigley. Kindly don't allude to that ridiculous 
 creature, Dr. Bumby, again. Whoever heard of a devil 
 in cheese? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Why not? Dr. Bumby says there's 
 no question that the devil that has been annoying you at 
 night comes directly from Parmesan cheese and that he 
 will continue to slide down the banisters of your mind 
 and stick out his tongue at you until you give up Parmesan 
 cheese. 
 
 Quigley. Silliest rot I ever heard. My devilish 
 dreams don't come from cheese, and even if they did I 
 wouldn't give it up, because I like it. I only went to 
 Bumby in the first place because I didn't consider green 
 devils dignified. Bumby's nothing but a vet. And Bumby, 
 because he didn't know what else to say, said "cheese." 
 And you swallowed it. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. To the contrary. Dr. Bumby 
 
 Quigley. Bumby! Bumby! Bumby! Don't you 
 ever say that name again. 
 
 Harriet. But you did eat the cheese. Papa. 
 
 Quigley. Did and do. 
 
 Harriet. And you do have green devils. 
 
 [ 20 ] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. I eat hash and have motor boats. You 
 might as well say that eating hash produces motor boats. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. When I saw you heading for this 
 Monastery through that wet rain all I said was, "Par- 
 mesan cheese," just like that, didn't I, Harriet? 
 
 Harriet. Yes, Mamma, you did, 
 
 Petros {entering suddenly). Did you wish to speak 
 to me? 
 
 Quigley. Where are the rooms you wrote about? 
 Produce them instantly, here and now. You wrote you 
 had rooms with a Southern exposure. And now you tell 
 me you haven t any. 
 
 Petros. I have the rooms, but I cannot bring them 
 out here as you command. Oh, I hate English. 
 
 Quigley {mollified). In that case show me where 
 they are. 
 
 Petros {hastily pointing). They are through that 
 door for the ladies. The library. Then the gentlemen 
 have the refectory, which is down the passage to the 
 South. While we live in the tower for the goats. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Did I understand you to say only 
 two rooms for the lot of us ? 
 
 Petros. Why, yes. My brother put ten donkeys in 
 his stable, and it is smaller by half. 
 Mrs. Quigley. I don't see any door. 
 Petros. There is no door. It fell down in 1613. 
 
 Harriet. They sent for a carpenter and he isn't here 
 yet ? 
 
 Petros. No, he is not here — ^yet. There is a screen 
 inside to keep the wind out of our necks. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Draft! Hm. That will insure a 
 [21] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 certain amount of privacy. Phew! How stuffy It is, 
 and how damp and chilly. Where are the beds? 
 
 Petros. They have not been made yet. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Well, kindly hurry and have them 
 made up directly and Lizzie will help you. 
 
 Petros. There is no wood. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Beds I said, not fire. 
 
 Harriet. I think that he means that they aren't made 
 at all. That there aren't any beds. 
 
 Petros. No beds. Beds are no good. 
 
 All. What! 
 
 Denny. Where do you sleep? 
 
 Petros. On the floor. On a rug if it is cold. We 
 have three rugs. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Well, Mr. Quigley, so I'm expected 
 to sleep on a stone floor for one week? 
 
 Denny. Don't worry, you won't sleep that long, 
 Mamma. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I refuse, I refuse. I won't stand it. 
 
 Quigley. Well, what are you going to do about it? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I don't know, but I sha'n't stand it. 
 
 Quigley. I must confess I didn't expect it was going 
 to be as primitive as this. But as long as we're here 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. And just how long is that going to 
 be, may I ask? 
 
 Quigley {ignoring the question). As long as we're 
 here let's just take it as a lark. {The family snort.) 
 Think how much better this is than a shipwreck. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. A shipwreck would seem like heaven. 
 
 Harriet. How old are the rugs? 
 
 Petros {impressively). Not very old, two hundred 
 years, perhaps. 
 
 [22] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. Be philosophical and make the best of it. 
 Think what fun it will be to write home about it, 
 Harriet, eh? 
 
 Harriet, I have too much pride to write about tjiis. 
 
 Mrs, Quigley {shivering). Well, I must change 
 directly. Where are our trunks? 
 
 Petros, They are in the library for the ladies. 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, Now, Lizzie, get my thick fur coat 
 from trunk marked B, and my heavy homespun walking 
 suit from the bottom of C, and the high gaiters that I 
 left in T, and some phenacetine and some quinine and 
 some whiskey that you'll find in L. 
 
 Quigley. Hold on, Theodosia, I forgot to tell you 
 that you only have one trunk apiece. I had to cut down 
 the trunks this morning. We're escaping, not a circus 
 troupe, 
 
 Harriet, What do you mean by one trunk? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley, I can't possibly live in one trunk, 
 
 Harriet, But do you realize. Mamma, we don't 
 know which the "one trunk" is? It may be hats. Hats 
 for a week! Each of my trunks contains a different 
 department of my wardrobe. Well, I'm up against it, no 
 matter what happens, 
 
 Quigley. This will teach you not to put all your 
 waists into one basket. 
 
 Denny, Why on earth didn't you give us warning, so 
 we could plan for it ? I bet you've brought my golf cups. 
 Was it that brown box? 
 
 Quigley. Yes, Brown, with two straps. 
 
 Denny. That's nice. One week in a golf cup. It's 
 lucky I don't have to shave much. 
 
 [23] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Harriet. No matter what happens, some part of me 
 has got to shiver. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Now, don't be so cranky. You do nothing 
 but complain all the time. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Well, I intend to know the worst at 
 once. 
 
 Harriet. I'm with you, Mamma. 
 
 Hercules. I've simply got to invent us out of here. 
 {He goes to the back and is lost in heavy thought,) 
 
 Petros. I'm afraid there was an accident. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Nothing could excite me now. 
 
 Petros. There are only two trunks. The rest of 
 them fell into the cataract, over the bridge. Too bad ! 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Merciful heavens 1 Is there no limit 
 to things ? 
 
 Harriet. Gee! 
 
 Denny. This is the nicest little week-end party I 
 ever struck. 
 
 Mrs. QuiGi^EY {hollowly). Into the cataract. 
 
 Denny. We certainly got in wrong today. 
 
 Petros. But they got out again. Oh, yes. 
 
 Quigley. Where are they, then ? 
 
 Petros. They have gone back to Larissa. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. The trunks ? 
 
 Petros. No, the mule and Tomaiki. The trunks 
 were drowned. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. This is a nightmare. Pinch me, 
 someone, so that I can wake. {Belinda obliges her.) 
 Ow! Belinda, what are you doing? 
 
 Belinda. Accepting your invitation, Mamma, on a 
 pinch. 
 
 [24] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QxJiGLEY. Brace up, everyone. Never saw^ people 
 make so much of nothing. Just because we've lost our 
 camping outfit, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, My advice is to leap over that para- 
 pet and end matters once and for -alL 
 
 Murphy- Jones. Why don't you see w^hat trunks are 
 -here? 
 
 GOLDINA {who has been sitting in indifferent silence). 
 The Lady from Phila<lelphla speaks, 
 
 QuKiLEY. Very good suggestion, Pointell! 
 
 Mrs. Quicley. Come, Harriet and Goldina, and 
 learn our fate. {Exeunt the three, f allow eJ by Belinda, 
 .Denny arul Lizzie^) 
 
 Murphy-Jones. I think Fll go along, too, {Exit.) 
 
 Quigley. Why are you crying. Miss Bledsoe? 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. Please, sir, there's nothing else to do, 
 sir, 
 
 Chubbock {who in the meantime has laid out the tea 
 things on the floor at back). Tea is servexl, sir, {Re-enter 
 Mrs, Quigley and the others.) 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, Agamemnon's golf cups in one, and 
 the fancy dress costumes w^e wore at the masquerade ball 
 m Nice in the other, and not a postage stamp's warmth 
 in any of them, ( Weeping. ) But even so, it^'s better to be 
 dressed as a Yama Yama than in these dripping clothes. 
 
 Quigley. That's too bad. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley, Petros, will you kindly turn on some 
 heat? 
 
 Petros, Heat? On a cold day? That is impossible-. 
 
 Harriet. Well, what do you do when it^s cold? 
 
 Petros. Shiver, and walk around very fast until we 
 are warm. But it is not cold today. 
 
 I 25 J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. If you had on a sopping wet skirt 
 perhaps you would think it was cold. I never knew such 
 an unnecessary man. 
 
 Belinda {in the preserves), Oh^ I'm all jam. (To 
 Petros.) Where can I wash? 
 
 Petros (pointing). The only water is there. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. What? We have to bathe in that.^ 
 
 Petros. No, you do not have to. 
 
 Quigley. Will you get some chairs. Father Petros? 
 
 Petros. We have no chairs. In the Russian Church 
 there are no seats. 
 
 Quigley (eating ravenously). Well, then, sit down 
 all. Tea is served. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Where? 
 
 Quigley. On the ground. Draw ,up and sit down. 
 I should say draw down and sit up. I'm enjoying this. 
 Theodosia, sit Turkish fashion. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley (loftily). I have not a Turkish build 
 and I decline. 
 
 Quigley. Goldina. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I don't care for tea, thanks. 
 
 Quigley. 'Twill warm you up. 
 
 Goldina. I'm hot enough already, Papa. 
 
 Harriet. I don't care for any, either. 
 
 Quigley. Any what ? 
 
 Harriet. Either. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I suppose we better take something, 
 children. No use dying just to please your bandit father. 
 And then we can retire behind the screen and put on 
 some warm fancy dress costumes. I don't mean warm, I 
 mean dry. A dry shiver is better than a damp chatter. 
 Lower me to the table, Chubbock. (Chubbock, with a 
 
 [26] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 ""Yes J mdamr proceeds to do soS) Goldlna, you pour for 
 us, dear, my nerves are too shaky, 
 
 QuiGLEY {sprinkling some Parmesan cheese on some 
 biscuit). Ah, this cheese is good, 
 
 Petros {after speaking to a monk), I have sent 
 for a table and two chairs of the Monastery already. 
 Ihey came to me very suddenly, — in my mind. They 
 were in the goat tow^r, and I ha-d forgot them for twenty- 
 three years, 
 
 Mrs, Quigley, Owl Lift me, I have a kink in 
 my Oh, quick, Chubbock! 
 
 Chubbock, Yes, ma'am, {He lifts her,) 
 
 Petros, Now, if you will excuse us, we will go to the 
 chapel. Is there anything you wiant ? Here are the table 
 and the chairs, {Enter monks with table and chairs which 
 ihey put down.) 
 
 Harriet, No, w« have everything we want, 
 Mrs, Quigley, This tea is stone cold. 
 Chubbock, It w?iS thermosed, ma'am, (// rains,) 
 Mrs. Quigley {rushing to the door). Ohi This is 
 too much ! ( 2' he rest follow her into the doorway j and 
 the whole crowd feebly groan. The rain stops,) 
 
 QviGLEY {suddenly). Wait! Wait! {JU turn indig- 
 nantly.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Can't I even get out of the rain? 
 
 Denny. YouVe rotten to Mater. She wants to 
 change her clothies. The Mater's sopping wet, 
 
 Quigley {rushing over and picking up the shoe thai 
 Chard had thrown). Look! Look! It is a shoe, 
 
 Denny. Marvellous! 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. But we never said it wasn't, 
 
 Har^riet, Parmesan cheese again. 
 
 127] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. Goldina, it is a white shoe. 
 
 Denny. I tell you the Governor is outdoing him- 
 self. {Goldina s face fills with hope,) 
 
 QuiGLEY. I shall find the owner of that shoe, and 
 I shall give it to him, 
 
 Goldina, It may be a monk, 
 
 QuiGLEY. With New York inside? {He points.) 
 You've been playing with me, Goldina. Wait till I get 
 hold of Petros. {Exit,) 
 
 Goldina. Father, you're ridiculous. Just because it's 
 a white shoe you think it's Jimmie. 
 
 Mrs. QuiGLEY, This is all the fault of that wretched 
 cheese. Come, Lizzie, {Exeunt,) 
 
 Harriet. Denny, let's see the row. 
 
 Denny. Looks as though the Governor would need a 
 referee. {Exit.) {Chubbock follows.) 
 
 Belinda. I'm going to be in this too, {Exit.) 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. My head is throbbing fearfully. {She 
 follows Mrs. Quigley into the library.) 
 
 Hercules. I might fish for that rope with my wire- 
 less wire. {He becomes more absorbed than ever at the 
 back. Goldina is left alone.) {Suddenly enter Jimmie 
 with his cowl thrown back.) 
 
 Jimmie. Cassandra ! 
 
 Goldina {turning delightedly). Jimmie! {Pointing 
 at his bare feet.) So it was your shoe. 
 
 Jimmie. Yes. I'm the Cindereller feller and your 
 father's after me with the slipper. {Song, "The Cinder- 
 eller Feller.") Wasn't it the darndest luck to have that 
 biplane go back on me just as we left the hotel roof? 
 
 Goldina. I don't know how you ever thought of it 
 all. When Father locked me in on the top floor of the 
 
 [28] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 stupid Hotel Des Etrangers, oh, Jimmie, I wah bored! 
 And then when you cut a hole in the roof and extracted 
 me like an olive from a bottle, oh, I never w^as so glad. 
 
 Jimmie. And then to have the biplane get out of order 
 just as we left the roof, I thought I was buying a good 
 biplane and it came nearer being a plain good-bye. But 
 did it jar you much, Cassie, dear, when you reached the* 
 ground ? 
 
 GoLDiNA, No, because I Landed in a bush, a sort of 
 bamboo thing, close beside Papa, and it didn't hurt a bit. 
 He was eating his everlasting Parmesan cheese and snooz- 
 ing. 
 
 Jimmie. Must have surprised him to have you drop 
 in on him so informally. 
 
 GoLDiNA, I think it did, for he remarked, "Jumping 
 Jehoshaphat!" and I said, "No, Papa, it's I!" All I could 
 think of, though, was you, Jimmie, You looked so help- 
 less among the poppies, 
 
 Jimmie, I suppose I was stunned, and wasn't it foolish 
 of me ? 
 
 GoLDiNA. I dashed some coffee in your face to bring 
 3^0 u to 
 
 Jimmie. Oh, that was it, I thought I'd landed in a 
 demitasse, 
 
 GoLDiNA, Papa was simply furious. He dragged me 
 through the hotel and out the front door, plumped me 
 into a hack and before I could realize what happened we 
 were flying through the streets of Athens. But what did 
 you do, Jimmie, and how did you find me? I was so 
 worried about you, for you see w:hen I left you were 
 unconscious, all but your foot., that wiggled among the 
 popples. It seemed like a good-bye, so I knew you must 
 be alive, and yet, frogs' legs will twitch long after they are 
 dead. 
 
 129] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE, Thank you, 
 
 GoLDiNA, But how did you find me? 
 
 JiMMiE, Well, I rushed around madly like a wet hen 
 without a head^ went down to the Piraeus; searched the 
 Constantinople steamer, and finally returned to Athens; 
 went to the hotel and got a message and a bill. The 
 message was a Yein yein billet-doux from your father, 
 telephoned over from, the Inn you stayed in last night. 
 I found out by tipping the telephone girl over the wire. 
 The message said, "Give it up once and for all. When 
 you get this tomorrow we'll be gone today. Pray C. 
 Quigley." The bill was for the hole in the roof. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Let me give you the hole for a birthday 
 present. I know you are strapped, Jimmie. Biplanes are 
 expensive ! 
 
 Jimmie, It's all right, I paid for the hole. Thanks 
 all the same. Then I got a Larissa time-table. 
 
 GoLDiNA. What's that? 
 
 Jimmie. That's the place you stayed in last night. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, was it? I didn't ask. 
 
 Jimmie. Well, I went into a moving picture show to 
 wait for my train {suddenly) and that's where I saw 
 that old rascal before. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Whom? 
 
 Jimmie. Petros. He was the bandit, Hadji Stavros, 
 who jiggled through thrilling adventures in the Athens 
 Nickelodeon. 
 
 GoLDiNA. You mean really? 
 
 Jimmie. No. I was trying to think where I had seen 
 his face before, that's all. Funny, but he's the spitting 
 image of him. Well, when I got to Larissa at twelve 
 fifteen, what do you suppose I saw in the street? 
 
 [30 J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDINA {.breathlessly)^ What J 
 
 JiMMiE. A cart with six trunks and a donkey, three 
 cases of Quigley's Canned Goods and a box of Parmesan 
 cheese, 
 
 GOLDIN A, Well ? 
 
 JiMMiE. The rest is easy. When I saw that cheese 
 I said, ''Mr. Quigley," So I got onto the cart and came 
 along, I found I was ahead of you people, but you almost 
 caught up, as the donkey and the boy and the cart absent- 
 raindedly went over a bridge, 
 
 GoLDiNA, But what about you, Jimmie? 
 
 JiMMlE. I omitted to go over the bridge. Well, I 
 £?hed out the donkey and the boy and the cheese and two 
 tiunks, dusted them oflF and sent them on ahead, while 
 1 tried to locate the rest of the stuff and my Tyrolean hat, 
 I got the hat, but not the trunks. Last I saw of them 
 they were floating off down stream — regular swimming 
 trunks, they were, 
 
 GoLDiNA. Aren^t you wonderful? 
 
 Jimmie, I tell you it will tak« more than Mr, 
 Quigley to keep us apart. ^{Enter Quigley with a shoe 
 '(ind the others,) 
 
 Quigley, It will, will it? So I was right, this is 
 your shoe, 
 
 Jimmie. Oh, thank you so much, 
 
 Quigley, I'm tired of being hounded. I shall put 
 the law on you since you won't take a hint. 
 
 Harriet. I hope you don't call this Monastery a hint. 
 
 Jimmie. Did you see my other shoe, Mr. Quigley? 
 If you don't mind I'd like that, too. As long as I'm dis- 
 covered, I might as well dress. You^ll be interested to 
 know that these rocks are dreadfully hard on the feet^ 
 
 1311 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Thank you. {He takes the shoe from Mr. Quigley's 
 astonished hand.) {He puts on the shoe.) I shouldn't 
 be surprised if I chucked the other over the precipice 
 by mistake. You see I undressed in rather of a hurry. 
 {Looking over the cliff.) Hello, what do you suppose? 
 It landed plump in a screech owl's nest. But it seems to 
 have shoed the bird away. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Are you ever serious? Chubbockl Why 
 don't you answer when I call. 
 
 Chubbock {entering hastily). I can't answer till I'm 
 'ere, sir. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Get Petros. 
 
 Chubbock. I say, Mr. Petros, you're wanted 'ere 
 jolly well quick. {Enter Petros in a most woebegone 
 state.) 
 
 Petros. Yes, Mr. Quigley, I am sorry. But he told 
 me it would please you, and make you laugh for him to 
 be a monk. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I understand. It wasn't your fault. I 
 want a tower quick. 
 
 Petros. A tower? 
 
 QuiGLEY. To lock my daughter in. 
 
 Petros. I have a tower. It is little, but strong. It 
 goes over the cliff with an iron lock. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Just the thing, and I want the rope fixed. 
 
 Harriet {joyfully) . So we can go back to Athens? 
 
 QuiGLEY. No. So Chard can go back to Athens. 
 
 JiMMiE. Do you mean to say you're going to put 
 Cassandra in a dungeon? 
 
 QuiGLEY. And Chubbock shall stand on guard with 
 u gun, unless you'll promise to leave Goldina alone until 
 the rope's fixed. Chubbock and a few monks will be 
 able to handle you. 
 
 (321 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Denny. Look here, Governor, that's going too far. 
 To put a servant over your (laughter. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Lock me up. 
 
 JiMMiE. You're not going to humiliate her like that, 
 Mr. Quigley. I w^on't go near her, I promise, this 
 evening. But I give you fair warning, I intend to marry 
 her yet. 
 
 Quigley. Chubbock, conduct her to the tower. 
 
 Denny. And off with her head. Why don't you say 
 that? 
 
 JiMMlE. Look here, Mr. Quigley, you said you'd cut 
 out this tower if I promised to leave Goldina alone. 
 
 Quigley. I was talking about Chubbock and the gun. 
 She's going to the tower anyway for disobedience. Chub- 
 bock and Petros, show this undutiful child of mine the 
 way. And then, Chubbock, tell Miss Bledsoe to go in 
 and stay with her. {He retires to the back.) 
 
 Goldina. Oh! {Walking disdainfully away.) 
 
 Belinda. Dad reminds me of Queen Elizabeth with 
 Mary, Queen of Scots. 
 
 Jimmie. Take this bath robe, Cassandra. {He 
 hastily gives her his monk's robe.) I don't want you to 
 catch your death of cold. Luckily it's a clean one. 
 
 Goldina. Thank you, Jimmie, but what about you? 
 
 Jimmie. Oh, I'm all right. I'm used to it. Good 
 night. {Exeunt Goldina with Chubbock.) 
 
 Goldina {wistfully) . Good night, Jimmie. 
 
 Denny. In behalf of the sane members of the family 
 I apologize for the Governor's behavior. We're awfully 
 ashamed. 
 
 Jimmie. Thank you ever so much. 
 
 [ 33 ] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Harriet. Come in and let us give you something dry 
 to put on. We've got a Tyrolean peasant that w^ill be 
 most becoming to you. 
 
 JiMMiE. 1 hanks aw^fully. 
 
 Harriet. Come on, Denny. We'll give the Greek 
 shirt to Jones. {Exeunt.) 
 
 QuiGLEY {who has been pacing up and down at the 
 back). There! I think I've settled matters for the 
 present. He's a persistent beggar. How^ did he ever find 
 us? I'd like to see the working of his brain. I don't 
 understand him. {He yawns.) This has been a tiresome 
 day. Lizzie, Lizzie! {No answer. Louder.) Lizzie! 
 {Lizzie entering hastily from L. L.) 
 
 Lizzie. Mrs. Quigley says, "What is it nov^^?" sir. 
 
 QuiGLEY {seating himself by the table). Get me some 
 more crackers — and Parmesan cheese. They're in the tea 
 basket, and Chubbock's in the tow^er. 
 
 Lizzie. But I've left Mrs. Quigley, only half hooked, 
 sir. She tried to put on one of them "What ho" shepherd 
 dresses, but it vi^ouldn't hook. But she got the Spanish 
 Gypsy to go around her. 
 
 Quigley. The cheese is by the tea basket. Oh, I'm 
 sleepy. 
 
 Lizzie {handing him the cheese and biscuit). How^- 
 ever can you like it, sir? 
 
 Quigley. Like it? This cheese is the very breath of 
 life to me. I dream of it, Lizzie. 
 
 Lizzie. So I've heard, sir! All about green devils. 
 
 Quigley. My family discuss my private affairs, then. 
 
 Lizzie. O, sir! Are devils your private affairs? Homt 
 terrible, sir! 
 
 Quigley. Not at all! But my devils don't come 
 from cheese. 
 
 [34] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Lizzie {aghast). Just natural, sir? O, sir! 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {from within), Lizzie, Lizzie! 
 
 Lizzie. There, sir. May I go? She's waiting for 
 me to hook her up. 
 
 Quigley {yawning heavily). Yes, you may go. {Exit 
 Lizzie,) {Mr. Quigley gradually nods off. The stage 
 grows darker and darker until it is quite black. Then 
 there is a flash of light and the stage is bright again. 
 Opposite Mr. Quigley at the table a green devil is seated. 
 He is slight and is dressed in soft green silk tights with a 
 green cloak that flutters behind him as he walks. He has 
 light hair and wears a small cap with a red feather stuck 
 jauntily on the side of his head. Although he is slight, 
 his personality has the intense electrical vibrancy of a live 
 wire.) Bless my soul! Here you are again. 
 
 Devil {in a rapid, intense tone). Yes, here I am 
 again. Worse luck! 
 
 Quigley. Am I asleep? You seem more real than 
 you generally do. 
 
 Devil. Of course I'm more real. This is the eighty- 
 first day, 
 
 Quigley, Eighty-first day? 
 
 Devil, This is the eighty-first consecutive day that 
 you've eaten Parmesan cheese. Now, I've had enough 
 of it if you haven't! 
 
 Quigley. What's the eighty-first day got to do with 
 it? 
 
 Devil {scornfully), I might know youM ask that, 
 being nothing but a Wop. I can speak on the eighty-first 
 day, that's all, by the terms of the original bet. 
 
 Quigley. Bet? 
 
 Devil {snapping an imaginary fly off his knee). 
 Between the Lady of Cheese and me. 
 
 [35] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. Cheese ! 
 
 Devil. You have a very disagreeable habit of repeat- 
 ing. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Are you really connected with cheese ? 
 
 Devil. I blush to say, *'Yes." 
 
 QuiGLEY. So Bumby was right. '*The Devil in the 
 Cheese." 
 
 Devil {crustily). That's not very tactful of you! "The 
 Devil in the Cheese." I assure you the whole affair is 
 extremely humiliating to me. Oh, very! How would 
 you like to have me say that you've thought cheese, 
 breathed cheese, lived cheese so long that you're nothing 
 but a cheese yourself? It's true, but not tactful,, and 
 that's the reason I don't say it. 
 
 QuiGLEY. How dare you talk to me like that, you 
 little imp? ( The devil hisses sharply at him, and Quigley 
 cringes as though getting electrical shocks.) Stop! Stop! 
 Oh, my back! Oh, my sides! 
 
 Devil. Perhaps you'll be more respectful in the future. 
 
 QuiGLEY. What was it? What was it? 
 
 Devil. It was just a little way I have when a human 
 being needs a lesson. No use explaining. You wouldn't 
 understand. Call it indigestion if you like, or put it down 
 to gout. That's what most people do. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I should like to know. 
 
 Devil. Tush! I haven't time to converse as I have 
 three thousand things to do in the next ten minutes. I 
 came to see you on a matter of business. I want to 
 politely ask you never to touch Parmesan cheese again. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Will you hiss me if I refuse? 
 
 Devil. Unfortunately, I can't,, according to the terms 
 of that outrageous bet. I can only resort to persuasion 
 But, by the bye, did you apologize for your falsehood? 
 
 [36] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY (hastily). No, but I do apologize. What 
 falsehood ? 
 
 Devil. About my being an imp. {In a tone as 
 though he thought the implication totally preposterous.) 
 Well! I really don't know what my friends in the Land 
 of the Fourth Dimension would say. 
 
 QuiGLEY. "Fourth Dimension." What's that? 
 
 Devil. Do you know anything? {He yawns.) Oh, 
 you bore me. I really think you're quite the dullest 
 mortal I ever met, and that is saying a great deal. Not 
 a bit of use telling you about the Fourth Dimension, for 
 you couldn't understand. 
 
 QuiGLEY. There's no such thing as a Fourth Dimen- 
 sion. Things have height, breadth, and depth. That's 
 all that there's room for. 
 
 Devil {folding his arms complacently and looking at 
 him). What about me? I've neither height, breadth, 
 nor depth according to your standards, and yet I am. You 
 could put your hand right through me and you'd find 
 nothing here, and yet I am. How do you explain that, 
 stupid, unless it is that I exist in the Fourth Dimension? 
 You're in the Fourth Dimension, too, at present, because 
 you're asleep. I'm afraid that you've never used your 
 mind in the least. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Don't understand a word you sai<l. Who 
 are you? 
 
 Devil. No use telling you. It wouldn't do any 
 good. You're such a silly ass. If I said that Courage 
 was my uncle on my mother's side you'd laugh, but it's 
 true, and I'm supposed to be rather like him. If I told 
 you that my mother was Happiness and that Conscience 
 was my father, what would you say to that? 
 
 QuiGLEY. I should say that for a son of Happiness 
 you're a pretty gloomy specimen. 
 
 [37] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Devil. Well, who wouldn't be gloomy who had to 
 dance attendance on you every time you took cheese? 
 Why, the way I've had to neglect my regular business 
 is enough to make a Dodo weep. 
 
 QuiGLEY. You are an impostor, you are. If you 
 amounted to anything in the Spirit world you wouldn't 
 be connected with cheese. {The Devil hisses.) I 
 apologize. Stop itl I beg your pardon. 
 
 Devil. Don't provoke me, or I won't answer for 
 the consequences. As I told you, this Parmesan cheese 
 has been a very bitter pill for me, and it was all on 
 account of a bet. My real business, and here is my card, 
 is Inspector of Day Dreams. 
 
 Quigley. What does it mean ? 
 
 Devil (tartly). It means what it says. I'm a sort of 
 Dramatic Critic for the plays of thought that go on in 
 people's heads. We spirits of the Fourth D. all do some 
 kind of charity work for the silly oafs called mortals, so I 
 was appointed Inspector of Day Dreams, by my aunt. 
 Wisdom, who is mother's twin sister. You see I judge 
 people's random thoughts, and if they're interesting and 
 full of fresh ideas, I report it to my mother, Happiness. 
 Then she goes to see them along with my father. 
 Conscience, for they both love a good show in the even- 
 ing, and since my mother will never go anywhere without 
 my father, I know enough to pick out plays that will 
 appeal to both. So unless I recommend a head, that head 
 will never know Happiness. You'd be surprised to see 
 how many heads contain nothing but rot. 
 
 Quigley. Conscience and Happiness don't go together. 
 They fight. 
 
 Devil (furiously). Don't you insult my family. My 
 father and mother never fight. It's too bad that there's 
 all this gossip about them. Most mortals think that 
 
 [38] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Conscience and Happiness don't get along well, but it is 
 if. malicious falsehood, I know who's to blarae for it, 
 though, 
 
 QuiGLEY (frightened at the vehemence of the Devil's 
 tone), I beg your pardon, I'd no idea that 
 
 Devil, I am a bit touchy about it, I'll confess. It's 
 all the fault of that silly, dowdy, old frump, called For- 
 getfulness, the Lady of Late Hours and White Lights, 
 She tries to pass herself off as my mother, just so that 
 people will invite her out, and then the poor, stupid 
 mortals think they've been having Happiness for the even- 
 ing, instead of which, all they had was dull, dreary Late 
 Hours and White Lights, My father's furious about it. 
 He and Forgetfulness don't even bow when they pass. 
 
 QuiGLEY. You mean you can actually tell what goes 
 on in people's heads? 
 
 Devil, Yes, being in the Fourth Dimension, I go into 
 the head, sit in the stage box, and listen, {Angrily.) 
 That's what I should be doing now, if it wasn't for you, 
 for sundown is just Day Dream time, and I have your 
 daughter's head, and Jimmie Chard's head and Mrs. 
 Quigley's head and all the monks' heads to inspect before 
 1 go to China at nine. I'm so behindhand on account 
 of you I never expect to catch up. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I didn't ask you to come. You don't need 
 to stay on account of me. 
 
 Devil. Unfortunately, thirteen hundred years ago in 
 your time, one quadrillionth of a zip in ours, an unfortu* 
 nate affair took place. The Lady of Cheese showed me — 
 she is a pushing creature, I can tell you, with no delicacy 
 of feeling, who is forever trying to get into the Virtue 
 set — a new sample of cheese. I took a sniff, just one 
 sniff, and by way of being particularly bright, said, "If 
 anyone will ever touch this stuff for thirty days runnings 
 
 [391 
 
 t 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 I'll make myself its slave and be the Devil in the Cheese." 
 I thought I'd made a jest; instead, it was my death 
 warrant. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I don't understand. 
 
 Devil. Well, the Lady of Cheese took me up. She 
 was so boastful and confident that I lost my head, — made 
 all sorts of absurd agreements. You can guess the sequel. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I'll stop eating this cheese on one condition. 
 Devil {eagerly). Name it. 
 
 QuiGLEY. That you take me through my daughter's 
 head and Jimmic Chard's head now. I want to see what's 
 in 'em. 
 
 Devil {with finality). Impossible. Quite impossible. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Why is it? You said I was in the Fourth 
 Dimension because I am asleep, therefore, I've neither 
 height, width, nor depth, and can get into their heads 
 perfectly well if you'll show me the way. 
 
 Devil. You're not such a silly ass, after all. 
 
 QuiGLEY. I'll swear to give up cheese in all forms. 
 
 Devil. No. It is a tempting oflFef, but — Gad! It's 
 a tempting offer. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Suppose, in addition, I promise to absorb 
 the Parmesan cheese market, put a corner on cheese, as 
 it were,, and then charge such prohibitive prices that no 
 one can afford to buy it thirty days running? 
 
 Devil. That's what I call an ofiEer, and yet 
 
 QuiGLEY. Will you? Will you? I'm in earnest. I 
 can afford it. 
 
 Devil. Sh! Sh! I'm thinking. 'Twould be doing 
 Jimmie and Goldina a good turn for they've got awfully 
 nice heads. {Suddenly.) You solemnly promise to fulfil 
 your part of the compact? 
 
 [40 ] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. I solemnly promise. I'm in a daredevil 
 mood tonight and I'm out for adventure. 
 
 Devil. Done, then! Your hand. {They shake.) Don't 
 forget, if you break your promise you'll find you've sold 
 yourself to the Devil in the Cheese. 
 
 CURTAIN, 
 
 [41] 
 
ACT 11. 
 
 In Goldinas head. There are heavy black curtains sur- 
 rounding the stage and the light is dim. Enter the Devil 
 at L. R, He is followed by Mr, Quigley, The latter 
 is covered with a long, dark cloak. 
 
 Devil. Sh! Whatever you do, don't make a sound, 
 or it will put an end to the play of thought which I 
 think is about to begin. The curtains, you see, are twitch- 
 ing. 
 
 Quigley {awed). Where are we? 
 
 Devil. Inside Goldina's head, of course. 
 
 Quigley. It's not my idea of a head. Where are 
 the teeth and where are the brains? 
 
 Devil. What did you expect? That it would look 
 like a cemetery with tombstones about, all shrouded in 
 gray matter? Not at all. You forget, we're in the 
 Fourth Dimension, and are inside the theatre of thought, 
 in Goldina's head ; but mind what I say and make no 
 noise. You see, if it were found out that I brought you 
 here I don't know what the rest of the Virtues would 
 say, for it is a bit irregular. Now sit out of sight, on 
 the side, so that when the thoughts begin to act they 
 won't notice you. I assure you if you caught their eye, 
 
 [43] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 wop! all would be off for the night. Most awfully off. 
 {Looking at him doubtfully with one eye closed.) That 
 cloak of dark mist I gave you may do the trick. I hope 
 so, for this whole proceeding is a bit irregular. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Do you mean to say. that it's going to be 
 just like a play? 
 
 Devil {sharply). Hold tight I {The curtains about 
 the stage jerk frantically.) Put your feet wide apart and 
 the headquake will soon be over. 
 
 QuiGLEY. What happened? 
 
 Devil. Be quiet, or I'll hissl {They stand motion- 
 less for a moment until the movement of the curtain sub- 
 sides. ) 
 
 Devil {wiping beads of perspiration off his brow). My I 
 That was a narrow escape! Did you hear me say "Be 
 quiet"? What did you mean by it? 
 
 QuiGLEY {whispering). What happened? 
 
 Devil. You happened ! You spoke with that woppish 
 voice of yours and of course Goldina heard you and 
 promptly had a headquake. You mortals call it head- 
 ache. You see you haven't got the cue to the true situa- 
 tion. That's a joke, and as jokes go, not bad. But for 
 mercy's sake, don't laugh. There'd be an explosion, and I 
 doubt if we should any of us survive. Goldina would 
 certainly have concussion of the brain and you and I 
 would be knocked into the Fifth Dimension, of which 
 the less said the better. 
 
 QuiGLEY. How can you talk when I can't? 
 
 Devil. Sh! You're too loud. I'm allowed to. That's 
 why. You see I have an invisible voice. You only hear 
 me now, because I let you. 
 
 QuiGLEY. How's that? 
 
 [44] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Devil. No use explaining. Be quiet. There, the 
 curtain's going up. Goldina is probably alone in her 
 tower and so is beginning to daydream. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Who's in the play? 
 
 Devil. There, you've stopped her again. I think, 
 without doubt, you're the most horrible creature I ever 
 met. You say, "Who's in the play?" You're in the 
 play, for one, I fancy, and you mustn't act peeved if you 
 don't like yourself. I don't imagine, under the circum- 
 stances, it will be particularly complimentary. Remember, 
 everything you see is from her point of view, and the 
 play is performed by the company of her imagination. 
 You'll probably look like a great., fat, pink cabbage. Do 
 you care to stay? 
 
 QuiGLEY. Yes, I'll see the thing through. 
 
 Devil. You'll have to, if you see it at all, for I 
 sha'n't have you leaving In the middle and disturbing 
 everything. ( The curtains separate and a plain white 
 walled room is disclosed. There are no doors or win- 
 dows or any kind of furnishing. An attractive refrain 
 is heard from some invisible medium.) 
 
 Devil. That music is the music of her mind. It 
 always comes when people are in love, and my mother, 
 Happiness, could listen to it by the hour, with her eyes 
 closed. There, do you see that rosy light? That's love 
 again. {Suddenly from the wall at back a sink appears, 
 while almost instantly a stove comes out of the wall at 
 U.L.) 
 
 Devil. Get away back, out of sight. {Quigley retires 
 entirely from sight of the audience.) 
 
 Devil {continuing) . It looks to me as though it were 
 going to turn into a kitchen in a Harlem flat. {A dresser 
 with plates appears at U. R. and over it a kitchen clock. 
 
 145] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Quigley's voice.) What's happening to the place? It 
 gives me the rickets, with its wash-tubs and clocks com- 
 ing out of the wall. 
 
 Devil. That's a sink, not a wash-tub. But there, 
 you've gone and talked again and interrupted a table 
 half-way up. {A table had begun to appear through the 
 floor. The table continues to rise until it reaches its 
 proper height.) Goldina is furnishing the room in her 
 own mind, that's all. Look, there comes the door. {A 
 door appears at U. R.) And see,, she's got glass door- 
 knobs. Just like a woman. {Pointing towards L. R.) 
 Another door. That leads out into the pantry, I fancy. 
 There'll be more doors before we're through. A woman's 
 rriind is always full of closets. ( Two chairs come out 
 from underneath the table, then a telephone appears on 
 the wall below the door at U. R. Two windows appear 
 at back and a door at U. L. The bell rin\gs and Goldina 
 inters. She is charjningly dressed in a simple cooking 
 costume with immaculate apron.) Goldina is now imagin- 
 mg herself in her Harlem flat. 
 
 Goldina {taking down the receiver and talking into 
 the telephone). Hello, hello — yes, this is Mrs. Chard. 
 Yes, Mrs. Chard. {She puts unconscious emphasis on the 
 Mrs.) Oh, is that you, Harriet? Yes, we're just get- 
 ting settled in our little apartment, Jimmie and I. Oh, 
 it's away uptown, my dear, in the wild and woolly Bronx. 
 No— Jirtimie's at the office. Oh — splendidly — he washes 
 out inkwells — twenty per. Why don't you come over 
 and see me? Of course, Harriet, it's a tiny apartment. 
 .We haven't a cent, so I do all the cooking. Father's 
 terribly angry. I haven't seen him yet. I expect we'll 
 have dozens' of scenes. But there was nothing else I 
 could do, was there? I think you'll like the apartment. 
 It's; piprfectly tiny. We have a drawing room and a 
 library, a small conservatory, which I take care of myself, 
 
 [46] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Jind a billiard room for Jimmie and a den, with all his 
 college pictures and things, and a duck of a kitchen, and 
 {she pauses) I have a premonition that Father^s in the 
 hall, and that he's come to separate Jimmie and me, 
 {With a patronizing laugh,) Poor Father, Good-bye, 
 {She hangs up the receiver.) (The door-bell rings.) 
 GoLDiNA {opening the door). Cotne in, Father, {Enter 
 Mr. Quigley. He looks like a caricature of himself. He is 
 thinner and all the hard lines of his face are accentuated. 
 A mulish gloom pervades his personality, tinged with an 
 adamantine sternness,) 
 
 Devil [as though speaking to the real Quigley).. What- 
 lever you do, don^t snort. I told you you wouldn't like 
 yourself. Just be calm. 
 
 Quigley (his voice hard and metallic and his A's 
 fatter than ever) . So I have found you, at last, Goldina, 
 hiding in a hole in Harlem. 
 
 Goldina (proudly). Yes, Father. (Song, ''Hiding 
 in a Hole in Harlem.") 
 
 Quigley. Hml Married and made a perfect fool of 
 yourself. 
 
 Goldina. Won't you sit down? The drawing room 
 isn't done yet. We've only just moved in. 
 
 Quigley. We? How dare you say "We" to me? 
 Goldina. Jimmie and I, then. My husband and I. 
 (Quigley snorts.) Father, I was awfully sorry to leave 
 home, but what was I to do? Of course I miss my dogs 
 and my horses and the family and the country, but you 
 s'^e, Jimmie's everything to me — well, there was nothing 
 else to be done, so I did it. 
 
 Quigley. I came to tell you once and for all I wash 
 my hands of you. I have no intention of supporting you — 
 Goldina. No,, because Jimmie has no intention of 
 letting you, 
 
 1471 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. What'll you live on? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Twenty per. 
 
 QuiGLEY, Thunderation I Do you suppose he on 
 support you on twenty per when I couldn't on twenty 
 thousand ? 
 
 GoLDiNA. He can give me everything I want on 
 twenty per. 
 
 Mr. Quigley. He must be a wonderful office boy. 
 
 GoLDlNA {enthusiastically). He is. They say they've 
 never had anyone who could wash out inkwells so well- 
 He has a touch. He practices on the dishes every night, 
 
 Quigley. Will you explain how he can give you 
 everything you want on twenty per? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Well, to begin with, Jimmie's everything 
 I want, and secondly, I do the cooking, thirdly, we have 
 a small flat, fourthly, we hardly ever go out, because we 
 both like it home so much better, fifthly, I economize on 
 hats and Jimmie on cigars, sixthly, I darn the socks. 
 
 Quigley. Goldina, I didn't think you had so much 
 in you. 
 
 Goldina. You mean, you'll forgive us? 
 
 Quigley. No. I was talking of you, not Jimmie, 
 and until you leave him you need never darken my doors 
 again. 
 
 Goldina. Good-bye, then. Papa. Some day you 
 will come and beg Jimmie's pardon, when he is governor 
 and you are penniless. 
 
 Quigley. Thunderation! {He pauses.) Here comes 
 your mother, I'll wait downstairs in my new six-cylinder. 
 I don't like tenements. Come in, Theodosia. ( Through 
 the open door.) She was quite unfilial, she didn't listen 
 to any of my arguments. Just say good-bye to her and 
 we'll go home. {Enter Mrs. Quigley. She is dressed in 
 
 [48] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 black and see?ns to be in *-the most advanced stages of 
 valetudinarianism.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. O, Goldina, you are so thoughtless, 
 and so selfish. Believe me, dear, it doesn't matter whom 
 you marry as long as 
 
 Quigley {interrupting) . Every cent I have shall go 
 to Belinda. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. You mean I w^on't get my thirds? 
 What have I done? 
 
 Quigley. Come, come. Thunderation ! I w^asn't 
 thinking of you. Now don't be long, because we're going 
 down to the country tonight. I'll wait in the motor. 
 {Exit Mr. Quigley.) 
 
 Goldina {calling after her father) . Good-bye. (No 
 answer.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. O, Goldina, how could you? Oh, 
 how could you? I must sit down. I have had iritis 
 terribly and haven't slept one wink in the last two months, 
 and your father has been even worse than the iritis. He 
 makes me live on the roof to remind him of Greece. We 
 have gravel lunches on Fridays, because your father says 
 it is the pathway to health. And Harriet is almost engaged 
 — to somebody, but she says the name so fast I can't 
 discover who it is and she doesn't know how to spell it. 1 
 think I'm fainting. Where am I? 
 
 Goldina. This is the kitchen. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. What a hovel ! What a hovel ! My 
 poor child, how many rooms have you? 
 
 Goldina. Only ten. Mamma. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {weeping). Oh, my poor child! How 
 many servants have you ? 
 
 Goldina. None. I do all the work myself. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Oh, my poor child! But you're a 
 
 [49] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 fool. There's no man wortlf such a sacrifice. Vd go to 
 Reno in a moment myself but your father won't let me. 
 I think you had better come home, dear, and leave this 
 Chard person. I tell you frankly, that Docksey, your 
 Dachshund, will die if you don't. I can't remember to 
 feed her. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Why don't you send her to me? I could 
 take care of her. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Good- 
 bye,, then. I hope you have a nice life in this wretched 
 little hole. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Thanks, Mamma, I shall. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {persuasively). There's Pointell 
 Murphy-Jones. What a man he is. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Yes. What a man. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. He's so well connected. He's a 
 politician 
 
 GoLDiNA. You forget. Mamma, I'm married to 
 Jimmie. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. That's true. You do remember 
 things so, Goldina! 
 
 Voice from Outside. Theodosia! 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I must go. Your father's bellowing 
 ill the hall. Good-bye, dear. I shall send you Docksey 
 tomorrow. (Exit.) {Goldina follows her mother to the 
 door.) 
 
 Goldina. Good-bye, Mamma. {She crosses to U. L. 
 and goes out through the door, almost instantly reappearing 
 with an armful of pictures of Jimmie from one year up, 
 in football clothes, street clothes, bathing suit and tennis 
 flannels. These she proceeds to put on the various shelves 
 in the room. Then, after admiring each in turn, with a 
 sigh of contentment she crosses to L. R. and brings from 
 the pantry cooking paraphernalia,) 
 
 [501 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY {to Devil). That was the rankest libel of 
 me! Humph! Never said "Thunderation" in my life. 
 
 Devil. Will you be still? If I had known you 
 couldn't behave any better I shouldn't have taken you out 
 with me. Sh! {The bell rings.) 
 
 GoLDlNA {with her hands in the flour). Come in. 
 {Enter Harriet and eight girl friends.) Harriet, darling! 
 
 Harriet. Did it take us long to get here from Brook- 
 lyn? 
 
 GoLDlNA. No, you were awfully quick. I can't kiss 
 you because I am all flour. How do you do, everyone. 
 So nice to see you. I'm making buns for Jimmie's din- 
 ner. {With a wave of her spoon.) And this is the 
 kitchen. 
 
 Harriet {excitedly). Oh, is it? 
 
 GoLDlNA. Why, yes, don't you see the stove and the 
 sink? You don't mind coming in here, do you? You 
 see I don't dare drop my buns. Run into the drawing 
 room and get some chairs, then you can sit around me 
 while I cook. 
 
 All the Girls {delightedly). We'd love to! What 
 fun! Isn't it the duck of a kitchen? 
 
 GoLDlNA {modestly). We think it is nice. {The 
 girls rush out and instantly appear with elaborate gold 
 chairs on which they proceed to sit in a circle.) 
 
 Harriet. Where did you learn to make buns, 
 Goldina ? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, I don't know. Buns seem to come 
 naturally to some people and I suppose I'm one of the 
 ones. 
 
 All {enthusiastically). Oh, you're so clever! You 
 really are the cleverest thing I ever saw. 
 
 Harriet. Where's Jimmie? 
 
 [51] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. He's not in yet. I'm expecting him every 
 moment. (To the girls.) He's a broker, you know, and 
 washes out inkwells, just fancy. Oh, would you mind 
 looking? I mislaid my egg. It was here not a moment 
 ago. {Song, ''Oh, Where Have 1 Laid My Eggf) 
 {They all look for the egg.) 
 
 Harriet. Was it just an ordinary egg? 
 
 GoLDiNA. I don't know how to describe it, except 
 that it had the date stamped on it. Oh, here it is. {She 
 brings it out of the bowl of flour.) And look — the date, 
 January 2. So you see, it's this year's model. {Goldina 
 nonchalantly breaks the egg into the flour.) 
 
 Girls {rapturously). Oh, didn't she do that well! 
 Just like a drug store clerk. 
 
 Goldina. I put it in,, shell and all. You know, the 
 shell will settk it. 
 
 Harriet. But tell us about living in Harlem. Is it 
 very — oh, 
 
 Goldina. / love it. 
 
 Girls. But was your father 
 
 Goldina. Was he? But when one is in love what 
 else is one to do? 
 
 Girls {in one voice). Exactly! When one is in love 
 what else is one to do? Has he money? 
 
 Goldina. Not yet. But we live very comfortably. 
 It means a little economy, that's all. 
 
 Girls. What does he look like? 
 
 Goldina. Here are some of his photographs. {She 
 hands photographs of him to them all.) 
 
 Girls. Oh, he's simply stunning! Well, he's the 
 best looking thing I ever saw. 
 
 Goldina. These pictures don't do him justice. To 
 
 [52] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 me ht always seems exactly like a Viking, With a skin 
 and a bracelet and a spear, I never see him in terms of 
 collars and ties and Harlem, And when he leaves here in 
 the morning for business the impression of the Viking 
 is so -Strong that I can never remember whether he has 
 worn his overooat or not. 
 
 Girls, It^s such fun to hear you tell of him, 
 
 GoLDiNA, I knew you'd be interested because you 
 couldn't help it, Jimmie is so different from other men, 
 (Politely, hut with a noticeaMe lack of enthusiasm,) Tell 
 me about the man you're engaged to, Harriet, 
 
 Harriet. Well, his name is Alexis Martini Tru~ 
 betskoy Schahovsky, 
 
 All, Good heavens 1 Who? 
 
 Harriet. The aviator. But you mustn't tell a soul 
 about it, because it's a secret. 
 
 All, We won't. No danger, '■ 
 
 GoLDlNA. There, the buns are done. {She puts them 
 Into the oven.) Here comes Jimmie, I hear him in 
 the elevator, and I think he is bringing eight of his college 
 friends. They're perfectly wonderful. They look like 
 Norsemen, t?oo, but not as much as Jimmie does, {A 
 triumphal march is played.) 
 
 Girls, Oh, I'm excited to madness. {Enter Jimmie 
 Chard in complete Viking costume, a skin, heavy armlet 
 <ind sandals, while on his head he wears a winged helmet, 
 the rest are dressed likewise only they carry derhy hats and 
 have canes and gloves.) 
 
 Jimmie. Cassandra! (He embraces her.) I never 
 saw you looking so well. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh., you silly. (Turning.) It's no use 
 introducing you, these are just eight of my girlhood 
 friends, 
 
 I 53 ] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE {easily). How do you do. A bit warm for 
 March, isn't it? Ah, but it's nice to get home after a long, 
 hard, tiresome day in business. 
 
 GoLDiNA. How many did you wash today, Jimmie? 
 
 JiMMiE {impressively). Three dozen! {The college 
 men whistle incredulously.) Oh! I forgot, Ladies, par- 
 don me. Let me introduce eight of my college friends. 
 
 GoLDiNA. To eight of my girlhood friends. 
 
 Girls {in one voice). Oh, how do you do. We've 
 heard so much about you. 
 
 Men. Charmed to meet you, I am sure. {Song, "Oh. 
 How Do You Do, We've Heard So Much About You.'*) 
 
 Jimmie. Hello, Harriet. 
 
 Harriet. Well, Jimmie, old buck, how do you like 
 business ? 
 
 Jimmie. Would you like to know what I really think? 
 We were just discussing it in the subway coming up. 
 {Song, "Business.") 
 
 GoLDlNA {bringing enormous buns out of the oven). 
 Look., the buns are done. 
 
 Girls. Wonderful 1 Well, really, you're the cleverest 
 thing. 
 
 Jimmie {enthusiastically holding a bun aloft). I ask 
 you, did you ever see a bun like that? Try one. {They 
 sample them.) 
 
 All. Mm! But aren't we robbing you? What'll you do 
 for your dinner ? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, I just made the buns on the side. 
 
 Men. Gad! You're a lucky fellew. Chard. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Won't you all stay to dinner? 
 
 Jimmie. Is there enough ? Of course, I mean that 
 
 All. No, we must be going. Yes, we really must. 
 
 154] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE. Oh, can't you stay to dinner? 
 
 Girls. No, we must be going. Yes, we really must. 
 
 Men. Then let us take you home, for we've nothing 
 else to do. 
 
 GoLDiNA. You might put back the chairs as you're 
 going through the hall. 
 
 All. It's been a treat to see you, and we thank you 
 for the buns. {Song, "Oh, Cant You Stay to Dinner f) 
 (As Goldina and Jimmie are left alone,) 
 
 GoLDiNA. That wasn't very polite of you when I 
 suggested their staying to dinner, for you to pour cold 
 water on it. It wasn't polite, Jimmie. 
 
 Jimmie. I know it. But I didn't want a lot of chat- 
 terboxes sitting about the place. I wanted to dine alone 
 with you. Besides it's not good for you to cook for a 
 regiment. 
 
 Goldina. Jimmie, are you sure you didn't want to 
 go off with your eight college friends? 
 
 Jimmie (fervently) . And miss a cozy little evening at 
 home ? Not on your life. ( Taking out an evening paper 
 from his skin and then getting a lamp from the next room 
 which he places on the table, and seating himself and 
 putting his feet up against the stove.) Well, Mrs. Chard, 
 life's pretty nice, isn't it? What shall I read to you? 
 Here's a calf that eats five hundred dollars by mistake. 
 That sounds interesting. 
 
 Goldina. We must wait, Jimmie, until after dinner 
 Do you mind having it in the kitchen ? The dining room 
 has just been frescoed. 
 
 Jimmie. I should love to eat in the kitchen. If I haB 
 my way here's where we should always sit in the evening 
 by the fire. It's so much cosier than an5rwhere else. 
 
 Goldina. You're a perfect cat the way you like your 
 home. 
 
 15S1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE {looking contentedly at her). Well, who 
 wouldn't be under the circumstances? I suppose I must 
 go and wash up, 
 
 GoLDiNA. You don't need to dress for dinner^ 
 
 JiMMiE. Good. A stiff white collar and a tie don't 
 gee with a cozy little' kitchen and a cup of tea. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Of course, when the dining room is in 
 commission you must dress every night. Even when 
 we're alone. 
 
 JiMMiE. Just as you say, my darling. Anything to 
 please, I'd even wear short Scottish kilts along with me 
 own bare knees. Now, why I have taken to rhyming I 
 haven't the faintest idea. I suppose it's because I am 
 happy, I suppose it's because you are near. Where shall 
 I wash? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Try the sink tonight. I don't want to be 
 left alone again, and I must be taking the dinner out of 
 the oven. 
 
 JiMMiE. Right oh! 
 
 GoLDiNA. I love to have you say, "Right oh." It's 
 so English, and you are using broad A, aren't you? 
 
 JiMMiE. Well, rather. Where's a towel? 
 
 GoLDiNA. There's a roller towel upon the door. {A 
 roller towel appears.) 
 
 JiMMiE. That roller towel I never saw. How stupid, 
 there I've slipped again. I've puppy doggerel on the 
 brain. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I know you could write, Jimmie. I always 
 said you had a literary quality. Very few have the 
 poetical gift that you have. It would be so nice to have 
 you a great author as well as Governor of the State. 
 
 JiMMiE. You're the only one I've met who ever 
 thought so yet. 
 
 [561 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. If you're not too tired you might get the 
 tablecloth and things from that drawer. 
 
 JiMMiE. Right oh J 
 
 GoLDlNA {putting flowers on the table), I do love 
 "Right oh." Sit down. Don't wait for me, for I shall 
 be jumping up and down all the time. 
 
 JiMMiE. Ah, let me jump up and down with you. 
 
 GoLDlNA, No, thanks, {She takes a soup tureen from 
 the oven.) Here is the soup. {She hands him two 
 plates.) You serve it. And here's whipped cream for 
 the top, 
 
 JiMMiE {after serving her). Mm! How delicious! 
 You are a cook! {Smacking his lips.) Mm! Cassandra, 
 how good it is! What's next? I can hardly wait. But 
 do sit down yourself. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I never care for soup. You might put the 
 soup plates in the sink. Next comes sole with white wine 
 sauce. {She serves it as he removes the soup plates.) 
 
 JiMMiE. How did you ever find a sole in New York? 
 
 GoLDiNA, At my Harlem butcher's, I bought two 
 dozen, they came over in the Lusitania, and a very rough 
 passage they had, by the bye. 
 
 JiMMiE. Confidin' little soles, they must have been, 
 
 GoLDlNA, They didn't tell me, stupid. The boat was 
 two days late in the paper, that's all. 
 
 JiMMiE, And wine sauce! {He eats,) 
 
 JiMMiE. Really, Cassandra, your cooking seems to 
 agree with you, 
 
 GoLDiNA. Doesn't it agree with you, dear ? 
 
 JiMMiE. Well, rather, I mean you don't look over- 
 worked, but the moment I see dark rings under your 
 eyes, whisk! I shall send you South and hire a chef. 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. Can I have your sole? You're through 
 with It, aren't you? It is the greatest help in economy 
 having me cook, isn't it, Jimmie? 
 
 JiMMiE. Economy! Well, rather. Why, if I vv^ent 
 to Childs' I couldn't — hello! Guinea iowL 
 
 GoLDiNA. No. That doesn't come till the salad course. 
 1 omitted the entree tonight. We have some filet mignon 
 with Bearnaise sauce and pommes de terre soufflees and 
 some legumes Provencales. (She sets the dishes on the 
 table.) 
 
 Jimmie. Really, Cassandra, you're extraordinary. I 
 never knew one two-forty-ninths as clever. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I'm glad you like your dinner. I didn't 
 cook much tonight. You see I was unpacking the silver 
 and the pictures all the afternoon. 
 
 JiMMiE. You are a help. I never could get on with- 
 out you. How long did it take you to prepare dinner? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Fifty minutes by the clock. But Jimmie, 
 are you through? 
 
 JiMMiE. Yes, thanks, Cassandra. Quite. Now you 
 sit down, my dear, and let me wait on you. I have it. 
 While you're eating I'll telephone for a box at the opera. 
 It will rest us both. 
 
 GoLDiNA. What fun. It's 1146 — Bryant. {Jimmie 
 goes to the telephone while Goldina eats.) 
 
 JiMMiE. 1146 Bryant. 
 
 Goldina. I'm so glad you like music as you do. Most 
 men prefer comic opera. 
 
 JiMMiE. Hello. Have you a box for tonight? Yes 
 -—yes — James R. Chard. Yes — what time do the Rus- 
 sian dancers come on? Oh, not tonight — thank you. 
 {Turning.) It's Pelleas and Melisande. I don't care 
 
 [58] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 very much for De Bussy, his lack of half notes jars mt 
 like anything. But it'll rest us both. 
 
 GoLDiNA. How thoughtful you are, Jimmie dear. 
 Here's the Guinea fowl and salad. 
 
 Jimmie. Wait a moment. I want to get a taxi. 
 
 GoLDiNA. You'll have plenty of time for that while 
 I'm dressing. It's wonderful the way you think of 
 things. 
 
 Jimmie. Guinea fowl! and cooked to a turn. Cas- 
 sandra, I couldn't get along without you. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Some day, Jimmie, I hope to help you 
 politically as I've helped you gastronomically. 
 
 Jimmie. If I am governor, it'll be you that have 
 made me so. I never in my life saw you looking so well. 
 (Pushing back from the table,) Oh, that was a good 
 dinner. 
 
 GoLDiNA. But you're not through yet, Jimmie. There's 
 some Peche Melba. You might take off the plates — and 
 I made some of those gateaux that you liked so at Rum- 
 pelmayer's — Mont Blancs. But we must hurry if we're 
 going to the opera. 
 
 Jimmie. O, Cassandra, this is too much. {Putting 
 the dishes in the sink.) Where'd you get that dress? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, it's just a little thing I picked up at 
 Gimbel's for ten dollars and I fixed it here and there. 
 
 Jimmie. Well, it's wonderful. What lines., my dear. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I knew you'd like it when I got it. O, 
 Jimmie, I'm so happy. 
 
 Jimmie. And so am I. Peche Melba. 
 
 GoLDiNA {wistfully) . Men are always supposed to be 
 happy when they have plenty to eat. 
 
 Jimmie {reproachfully). Why, Cassandra! 
 
 [59] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. But, you're different, aren't you, Ji'mmie? 
 
 JiMMiE. Absolutely different. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Do you remember when we first had Peche 
 Melba together at Amenonville in the Bois de Boulogne? 
 
 JiMMiE. Do I? But you've beaten that chef to a 
 standstill. I didn't tell you the news. I've had a raise. 
 
 GoLDlNA (joyfully), Nol 
 
 JiMMiE. Cashier. (Importantly,) What do you think 
 of me now? 
 
 GOLDINA (enthusiastically). Oh, I knew it would 
 come. I could tell just from the way you wash dishes 
 that they would give you something else to do very soon. 
 O, Jimmie, I'm so proud of you. Next I know you'll 
 be Governor. (They embrace.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 [60] 
 
SCENE 11. 
 
 Before the Curtain. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Is it over? Never in my life have I 
 listened to such mush. {Iinitating.) "How charming 
 you're looking, my love. What a dress! What lines!" 
 
 Devil. I dare say they seem dull to you, but they're 
 the sort of lines that bring Happiness on the run, in fact, 
 even my uncle. Courage, and he hates anything silly, 
 would love such {imitating Quigley) **mush." 
 
 QuiGLEY. But why so much mush? 
 
 Devil. Do you have to roar like that? Really, the 
 nervous strain of keeping you quiet I think will affect my 
 hair. Goldina's not through dreaming yet., she's only 
 stopped to take a breath, or to answer a stupid question. 
 Probably Miss Bledsoe is talking to her. Now get back 
 because the curtains are still twitching. As for there being 
 much mush, of course, there is. There always is in any 
 girl's mind. You must remember that everything that 
 is said is what Goldina would like to hear, and if you 
 knew women as I do, you would know that they never 
 can get enough mush. I think I have time to sing you a 
 song that you very much need to hear on Woman and 
 Woman's Ways. I writ it myself. {Song, "Woman and 
 Woman's Ways") 
 
 [ 61 I 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. Goldina is different. Think of her inex- 
 cusable extravagance. Guinea fowls in Harlem! 
 
 Devil. Why not? Such things have been heard of. 
 It's better to enjoy a Guinea fow^l in your mind than 
 never to have Guinea iowl at all. 
 
 QuiGLEY. But it's so impractical, so impractically 
 impractical. Why even theoretically it's nonsensical. I 
 shall discharge Miss Bledsoe directly. Ten rooms on 
 twenty per is all her fault. 
 
 Devil. Tush! No one's responsible but yourself. 
 You've always treated Goldina like a child. I think, con- 
 sidering the way she's been brought up, she has remark- 
 able comon sense. Heaven knows where she got it. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Why on earth did she have Jimmie Chard 
 rigged up like an Indian ? I fail to see the point in that. 
 
 Devil. You're even duller than I thought. When a 
 girl is in love the man she's in love with always seems to 
 her a hero, and utterly unlike all the other men she 
 knows. Jimmie happens to remind Goldina of a Viking, 
 that's all, and reminding her of a Viking he naturally 
 would not have on a collar and a tie, nor a derby hat, 
 nor a checked walking suit. For that's not the way that 
 Vikings dress. Stupid ! Sh ! There go the curtains 
 again. Judging from the light I think this scene will 
 be ten years later. You're still in Goldina's brain, remem- 
 ber. (The curtains part, disclosing a gold drawing room 
 with a wide flight of stairs at the back, profusely orna- 
 mented with gold balustrading. There is a table and two 
 chairs at L. R. and a sofa at L. L. Six footmen in scarlet 
 Iwery and powdered hair stand on the steps. Enter 
 Goldina in evening costume with a large picture hat and 
 a long cloak. Chubbock enters from L. L. as major 
 do mo J in livery.) 
 
 Goldina. Chubbock, when Mr. Murphy-Jones calls, 
 show him in directly. 
 
 [ 62 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Chubbock (with surprise). Yes., madame. 
 
 GoLDiNA {walking forward). And Chubbock^ Mr. 
 Chard will probably be a little late tonight. He's at the 
 Republican caucus. 
 
 Chubbock. Pardon me, madame, but I hope Mr. 
 Chard is elected governor. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Thank you, Chubbock. You may go. {^s 
 Chubbock and the servants retire, Goldina clenches both 
 hands and walks down the stage.) Jimmie shall win. 
 
 Chubbock {at back). Mr. Murphy-Jones, madame. 
 {Enter Jones. He looks bald and has a decided stomach.) 
 
 Goldina. Good evening, Mr. Murphy-Jones. 'Twas 
 very good of you to come in answer to my note. I know 
 how busy you are running your own campaign. 
 
 Jones {easily). I was flattered., I assure you. It's a 
 long time, Mrs. Chard, since I have seen you. Ten years 
 and three months. 
 
 Goldina. How unkind. 
 
 Jones. By Jove, you haven't changed a bit. You're 
 only more so. 
 
 Goldina. You're a born politician, Mr. Jones. 
 
 Jones. Just what I was telling my constituents. 
 Politicians are born 
 
 Goldina. Sometimes too long. But won't you sit 
 down? And wouldn't you like something to drink? 
 
 Jones. Thanks, awfully, if you don't mind. A 
 Scotch and soda. 
 
 Goldina {ringing the bell and Chubbock answering it 
 instantly). Bring a Scotch and soda for Mr. Jones. {Exit 
 Chubbock.) 
 
 Jones. You ought to write a Beauty Book and tell 
 your secret to the world. 
 
 [6.M 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. My secret is very simple, but I don't think 
 it would help the world. My prescription simply is 
 *'Jimmie." 
 
 Jones. Chard has done awfully well. But as for his 
 being governor, why, he hasn't the ghost of a chance. You 
 might tell him from me, Mrs. Chard, that I've got every- 
 thing bought up in sight, and now it looks as though there 
 were going to be a landslide for your honored servant. 
 
 GoLDlNA {quietly). I beg to differ. Jimmie is going 
 to be governor. Isn't he the best man for the place? 
 Isn't he better than you in every way? Answer., and be 
 trank. Look at his record. 
 
 Jones. I have, worse luck. There's nothing in it 
 from my standpoint. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Nothing in it? President of the Atlantic 
 IVust, Doctor of Literature, knighted by the King for 
 having written all six best sellers for the last three years, 
 ex-chief of police, ex-mayor of New York, a member of 
 the Cabinet, the leading aviator of America for the best 
 somersault in the Belmont Meet, Honorary Captain of 
 the Reserves, Major of Squadron D, and next Governor 
 of New York. 
 
 Jones. That's just it. A most difficult record to 
 juggle with. 
 
 GoLDiNA. And Jimmie has never paid a cent for any- 
 thing that he has ever got. 
 
 Jones. Ah ha, there's an opening. So he doesn't pay 
 his bills. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I was talking of bribes and corruption. 
 Now I want to ask a favor of you. I want you to grace- 
 fully retire from this campaign in favor of Jimmie. 
 
 Jones {dumbfounded). "Retire gracefully," not much. 
 
 GoLDiNA. By all means suit yourself on your manner 
 
 I 64 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 of doing it, but I insist on your retiring. (Softly.) Have 
 3^ou forgotten Greece, and me, and the fun we had in 
 those care-free Monastery days? 
 
 Jones. It's no use, Cleopatra, trying to use woman's 
 weapons upon me. (Enter Miss Bledsoe, very old and 
 withered.) 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. Pardon me, Mrs. Chard, but could 
 the children come and say good night? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, yes. You don't object, Mr. Jones? 
 
 Jones. No, I should like to see all the little Jimmies. 
 
 GoLDiNA. They're children, Mr. Jones, not a 
 burglar's kit. 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. Come dears. They've just got back 
 from the Hippodrome. (Enter five children, three boys 
 and two girls.) 
 
 Children (with one voice). Mamma, dearest. 
 
 GoLDiNA. This is Jimmie, Junior. Come here, 
 darling. He's eight years old and wears fourteen every- 
 thing. He's temporarily broken his arm, football. He 
 was captain and was very strong on signals. He's so 
 imaginative, he makes up new ones all the time, without 
 saying a word to anyone. He takes after me in Arith- 
 metic, I'm afraid. 
 
 Jimmie^ Jr. How do you do, Mr. — I didn't catch 
 the name. Excuse my left hand. 
 
 Jones. Murphy-Jones. 
 
 Jimmie^ Jr. Oh, you're that silly old goat that's 
 running against father. I don't want to shake hands with 
 j'^ou. I'll be darned if I do. (He kicks at Jones.) 
 
 GoLDiNA. Darling, you mustn't kick Mr. Jones. It 
 isn't polite. (To Jones.) You see he feels very strongly 
 about his father's election. 
 
 165 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE, Jr. All right, Mamma, dearest. 
 
 GoLDiNA {laughing). Don't you think Jimmie, Jr., 
 looks like Jimmie ? But he's like me in mathematics. And 
 this is Goldina, my second. She speaks five languages. 
 Say good night, sweetheart, in five languages. 
 
 Goldina, Jr. {in a little voice). Guten abend. Bon 
 soir. Buena sero. Saida. Good night. 
 
 Goldina. Could you by any chance hear her ? 
 Jones. Not exactly, but I imagined a great deal. 
 Goldina. She's avv^fuUy shy, and has a very receding 
 voice. Recite that piece, darling, about the Melancholy 
 Ostrich. 
 
 Goldina, Jr. {in a barely distinguishable voice) : 
 An ostrich er — er — er and pined 
 Because of the desert's heat 
 Till the burning sand affected his mind 
 But he said it affected his feet. 
 So he climbed up North to a northern clime 
 As fast as he ever could go 
 Of course it took him a very long time 
 Just to stick his feet in the snov^. 
 
 Goldina. Did you catch the drift? You see she's 
 very shy. This is Edward and Henry. Edward has 
 written a very pretty little thing about the pig. He takes 
 after Jimmie, and — {the clock strikes) oh, I haven't a 
 moment to lose. The caucus is almost over. Children, 
 don't you think you had better go to bed ? 
 
 Jimmie, Jr. No, Mamma, we'd rather not. 
 
 Goldina. Now, listen, children, while I reason with 
 you. It is not good for your health to sit up late. It 
 v/ill give you headaches, darlings, and is bad for the com- 
 plexion. 
 
 Edward and Jimmie (crossing their legs and looking 
 thoughtfully at their mother). That's so. Mamma. 
 
 166 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 The Other Children. Yes, Mamma's quite right. 
 It's bad for the complexion. 
 
 GoLDiNA. If I have convinced you, then, children, 
 you should go to bed. 
 
 JiMMiE^ Jr. Yes, Mamma, dearest, we see your point. 
 ' Good night. (She kisses them good night. Exeunt,) 
 
 GoLDiNA. You see I've never spanked them. That's 
 the secret. I've always reasoned with them. 
 
 Jones. An extraordinary exhibition of discipline. But 
 I must say good night,, Mrs. Chard. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Oh, but I haven't begun to talk to you 
 {Enter Chubbock with whiskey and a siphon of soda 
 which he sets on a table along with the glasses.) 
 
 Jones. It's no use, Mrs. Chard. Woman's weapons 
 are out of place in politics. You forget, politics is to me 
 entirely a matter of principle. 
 
 Goldina. Yes, I had heard that your principal was 
 considerably involved in the campaign funds. But please 
 be honest with me. Don't you think that Jimmie will 
 make a better . governor than you ? 
 
 Jones. Apparently you're the one who would make 
 the better governor. Neither Jimmie nor I. 
 
 Goldina. Answer my question for the sake of old 
 times, and help yourself to whiskey. 
 
 Jones. Thank you very much. {He does so.) Of 
 course, Jimmie's the better man, but, as for his being 
 governor 
 
 Goldina {with the siphon in her hand). Tell me when. 
 {She fills his glass with soda.) 
 Jones. Never! Mrs. Chard. It can never be. 
 
 Goldina {suddenly turning the soda into Jones's face). 
 Are you sure? {Jones stumbles backward and trips on 
 the rug and falls flat. Before he can rise Goldina pinions 
 
 I 67 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 him down with a chair and kneels on it. Then she draws 
 a long hat pin from her hat.) You did just what I 
 planned you to do, Mr. Jones. I blinded you with the 
 soda, and you stumbled and fell. Don't move, or I shall 
 jab you with my hat pin. Now, perhaps, you will see 
 what woman's weapons can do in politics. 
 
 Jones. Parlor tricks, you mean. 
 
 GoLDiNA. It's all the same. 
 
 Jones. Let me' iip. This is no position for a guber- 
 natorial candidate to be in. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Precisely. I'm glad you realize your unfit- 
 ness for the office. Now I shall not let you up till you 
 promise to withdraw your name from the campaign. 
 
 Jones. By Jove ! This is an awkward situation. Ow ! 
 
 GoLDlNA {thoughtfully). You see, I mean what I 
 say. A hat pin, Mr. Jones, is a very useful thing. I'm 
 willing to confess that I got the idea for this from 
 your remark about not being willing to retire gracefully. 
 Suddenly the whiskey and ^oda and the rest of it came to 
 me. And I saw in a flash all the steps that led to your fall. 
 
 Jones. You siren! {Dejectedly.) Beaten by a 
 ^yoman's wit. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Chubbock, bring paper and ink. 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, madame. 
 
 Jones. Don't be absurd, Goldina. You don't really 
 think that you can force a man out of politics in this way. 
 
 Goldina (as Chubbock brings her the writing things). 
 Here is the pen., Now turn about and write on your 
 stomach. There's plenty of room. Hurry, please, we 
 haven't much time. 
 
 Jones (turning). Qw! I don't think this is a very 
 dignified thing for you to do, Goldina. 
 
 [ 68 i 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. No, I suppose not, and I should be mortified 
 to have it get into the papers, but I don't expect that it 
 will. I sha'n't tell of it. Write — "I hereby relinquish all 
 claims on the governorship. I have been convinced that 
 James Rennett Chard is the better man." Now sign and date 
 it. Thank you. Chubbock, take this over to the Republi- 
 can caucus directly and wait for the answer. 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, madame. {Exit.) 
 
 GoLDlNA {putting back her hat pin). There, you may 
 get up and finish your drink. {She takes the chair off 
 him.) Longmaid. {Enter a lanky man in livery.) Oh, 
 Longmaid, you might get a whisk broom and brush Mr. 
 Jones off. 
 
 Longmaid. Yes, madame. 
 
 Jones {draining his glass). I suppose I've nothing to 
 complain of. It's all in the game. {Longmaid comes in 
 and brushes him off.) I tell you the man that has you on 
 his side can get anywhere. Good night. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Good-bye. It was so nice to have seen you. 
 I'm so glad that you called. 
 
 Jones. Don't mention it, I beg of you. {Exit.) 
 
 GoLDiNA. Ah, Jimmie, I've made you governor, 
 
 Longmaid {at the door). Eight girlhood friends, 
 madame. {Enter eight girlhood friends. They have 
 grown stout while their faces are lined and their hair is 
 gray.) 
 
 Girl Friends. May we come in ? 
 
 GOLDINA {delightedly) . Oh, I'm so glad to see you. 
 I'm just waiting to hear the election returns. 
 
 Girl Friends. How well you're looking! Marriage 
 certainly has agreed with you. 
 
 Longmaid {at the door). Mrs. Alexis Schahovsky. 
 {Enter Harriet.) 
 
 I69j 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDlNA. Harriet, darling, why are you in black? 
 
 Harriet. Oh, it's my Russian, and he's flown. Oh, 
 if all men were like Jimmie. 
 
 Girls. Oh, if they only were ! 
 
 GoLDiNA. It is wonderful the way Jimmie has kept 
 his figure, isn't it? I don't see that he's changed at all 
 in the last ten years. All the rest of his college team look 
 iiu though they had given up athletics and swallowed their 
 footballs. But it isn't so with Jimmie. He looks more 
 like a Viking than ever. It will seem so funny to see 
 him in a frock coat with a top hat, and a cockade. Of 
 course, he must wear them if he is governor. (Enter 
 Longmaid.) 
 
 LoNGMAiD. Two mendicants at the door, madame, who 
 say they're Mr. and Mrs. Quigley, whatever that means. 
 Shall I send them away? 
 
 GoLDiNA. Papa and Mamma! Show them in. {Exit 
 Longmaid.) I'm afraid they're terribly poor. You know 
 Quigley 's Canned Goods went into the hands of a receiver 
 years ago. 
 
 Longmaid. Mr. and Mrs. Quigley. {Enter the 
 Quigley s in rags and tatters.) 
 
 GoLDiNA. I'm so glad that you've come at last. 
 
 Mr. Quigley. Goldina, in me you see a failure. 
 Brrr! It's cold. And I have come to beg Jimmie's par- 
 don. He's a wonderful, wonderful man. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Oh, Goldina, such a life as I've led. 
 I have iritis from head to foot. 
 
 Goldina. I'm so glad to see you both. You're just 
 in time to hear the election returns. {Enter Chubbock.) 
 Devil. Don't laugh out loud whatever you do. 
 
 Chubbock. Mr. Chard's elected governor, madame, 
 by a howling majority. And the howling majority are 
 
 170 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 comin' 'ome with 'im. {Enthusiastic cheers are heard. 
 A brass band plays ''Hail to the Chief/' Enter the eight 
 college men with Chard banners, stomachs and bald 
 heads. Then enter Chard. He is in a frock coat and 
 high hat. An hilarious rabble follow at his heels. Song, 
 "The Governor.'^) 
 
 The Crowd. Speech ! Speech ! Governor Chard ! 
 
 JiMMiE {taking Goldinas hand). Goldlna, darling. 
 {He clears his throat in gubernatorial fashion.) Friends, 
 and constituents. You have given me a great honor this 
 day. {The crowd shouts, "Hear, hear!'') You have 
 elected me governor. {Wild cheers and drumbeats.) 
 But the credit does not belong to me, but to my wife. 
 Mrs. Chard. {Frenzied applause.) {The curtain at back 
 falls.) 
 
 The Devil {stepping forward, briskly). There, that's 
 over. Now for Jimmie's head. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 171 
 
ACT III. 
 
 In Jimmie's Head. 
 
 ( There is the same arrangement of curtains as in 
 Goldina's head.) 
 
 Devil. Now we're In Jimmie Chard's head, and 
 remember, no talking. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Nice future Goldina has mapped out for 
 me. A nice, dutiful future. 
 
 Devil. I think myself you deserve it. But don't talk. 
 
 QuiGLEY {in an amused tone). I never thought a 
 daughter of mine would make such an unprincipled poli- 
 tician, and I never thought a daughter of mine could 
 know so little about politics. But where are we? 
 
 Devil {with ill-controlled impatience). In Jimmie 
 Chard's head. 
 
 QuiGLEY. It's exactly like Goldina's. Same shape. 
 
 Devil. Of course, you see a head's a head, and heads 
 must all in shape be more or less alike, but if you could 
 use your eyes you would see that everything in Jimmie's 
 head was different from Goldina.'s. Even the black is 
 different. Different as anything. The curtains are 
 twitching. It was fortunate Jimmie didn't begin to 
 
 I 73 I 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 dream until Goldina got through. Now we sha'n't miss 
 a thing. Jimmie was probably putting on dry clothes 
 which Mrs. Quigley gave him. At present he is alone on 
 the parapet gazing at the sunset. 
 
 Quigley. How can you tell? 
 
 Devil. A little trick of my own! Ho! Gray light. 
 That's a sign he's going to reminisce. The future, 
 remember, in a healthy person is always rosy. {The 
 curtain starts to rise and then stops.) 
 
 Mr. Quigley. That's not my fault. I didn't say a 
 thing. 
 
 Devil. I never said you did. Jimmie is evidently 
 trying to smoke and he can't get a light on account of the 
 wind. Ah, there it goes. ( The curtain rises and dis- 
 closes the parapet of the Monastery as in Act I.) 
 
 Quigley. Why, that's here. 
 
 Devil. He's evidently going over the scene he had 
 with Goldina. Yes. There's the music. She's on her 
 way. {Enter Goldina dressed like a Princess.) 
 
 Devil. Hm ! Princess ! That's Jimmie's idea of her. 
 
 Quigley. The rascal flatters her. 
 
 Devil. Sh! Get back. {Enter Jimmie in the monk's 
 costume.) 
 
 Jimmie. Cassandra ! 
 
 Goldina. Jimmie! So it was yoiir shoe? 
 
 Jimmie. Yes, I'm the Cindereller feller all right. 
 And wasn't it just my luck to have the old biplane break? 
 
 Goldina. But think of your treating me like an olive. 
 Wasn't it clever of you? 
 
 Quigley. What does she mean? "Treating her like 
 an olive." 
 
 Devil {in patient boredom). Some remark she made, 
 evidently, and he doesn't recall the exact words. 
 
 (74 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. But how did you find me? 
 
 JiMMiE. I went to the Piraeus, etc. — etc. — etc. — and 
 came back to Athens, etc. — etc. — etc., discovered you had 
 gone to Larissa, etc. — etc. — etc. — and finally, found you. 
 
 Devil. The reason he is etceteraing in this fashion is 
 that it bores him to remember the exact words of what he 
 said. 
 
 JiMMiE. Take my dressing gown. I like the way, 
 Cassandra, you never bother to tell me how glad you are 
 to see me. We just take things for granted, don't we? 
 Say a thing once and that should be sufficient. That's our 
 motto. Most women are so foolish and want to be 
 admired all the time and pin their husbands down and 
 don't want them to go off at night with their friends. 
 But you're different, Cassandra. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I like to have you go out, Jimmie. I think 
 it's good for you. Just as I want you to feel you can 
 smoke all over the house! 
 
 Jimmie {fervently). I know you do. What I like 
 about you, Cassandra, is that you're so sensible on all such 
 matters. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Why not? I love you and you love me. 
 Still we're two people and must live two lives. 
 
 Devil. Did you notice the yellow streak that came 
 in then? That yellow light means that he's just said 
 something that he might have said but didn't. Now 
 here's more that he didn't say, but meant to, 
 
 Jimmie. I think we can get married in a week. 
 
 GoLDiNA. Why in a week? 
 
 Jimmie. Because I am expecting to hear from the 
 Buggy-O any minute. 
 
 GoLDiNA. What has the Buggy-O to do with it? 
 
 Jimmie. It's a cheap auto buggy. 
 
 175J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. For our honeymoon? 
 
 JiMMiE. No. For our livelihood. I can't marry 
 you, Cassandra, until I am able to support you in the way 
 your father does. 
 
 GOLDINA (softly). I understand. 
 
 JiMMiE. I invested ten thousand in this Buggy-O 
 concern and I have a feeling that it's going to go like 
 wildfire. 
 
 GoLDiNA. How splendid ! But supposing the Buggy-O 
 doesn't go? 
 
 JiMMlE. Then I shall release you from your engage- 
 ment until I'm in a position to ask you. 
 
 GoLDiNA. I shall wait for you. 
 
 JiMMiE. I'm expecting a Marconi any moment from 
 America telling me about it. Nothing's ever coming 
 between us, Cassandra. {Enter Mr. Quiff ley. He is a 
 blustering, impotent caricature of himself.) 
 
 QuiGLEY {in a soft, stubborn tone). Thunderation ! 
 I'll come between you. I shall lock you in a tower for 
 disobedience, Goldina, in the dark like a naughty child. 
 As for you,, sir, you're a rude villain. Get out of my 
 sight. 
 
 ' JiMMiE. Mr. Quigley, you may be sure until I have 
 done something I wouldn't take your daughter as a gift. 
 I'm too fond of her for that. 
 
 Quigley. Well, if you're not trying to marry my 
 daughter, what are you doing? 
 
 JiMMiE. I'm here to protect Cassandra from danger. 
 This is a lawless, lonely country. 
 
 Devil. All that's what he meant to say. What he 
 probably said was, "Rot." 
 
 Quigley. Come, Goldina, come with me to the tower. 
 {He walks away with her abruptly.) 
 
 1761 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Devil. Did you notice how suddenly they left? 
 That's because Jimmie stopped thinking of them. He's 
 rather taken up, you see, with being a martyr at present. 
 
 Jimmie. I'd like to have a chance to show Mr. 
 Quigley what I'm worth. 
 
 Devil {as though to the real Quigley). Now be 
 quiet till I get back. I'm going to take a hand in things 
 myself. I often do it, for my father, Conscience, taught 
 me how. When he's very busy, you see, he likes to have 
 me help him out. I suppose that you didn't know that 
 Conscience and a dramatic critic could be one. {He 
 saunters forward.) So you're peeved with Mr. Quigley. 
 
 Jimmie. Am I? 
 
 Devil. Why should you be? 
 
 Jimmie. Because I'm tired of not being appreciated. 
 I'm tired of being balled out. All I ask is a chance. 
 
 Devil. Yes, I know. A chance to play the little 
 tin hero. Why shouldn't Mr. Quigley feel as he does? 
 You never have done anything yet except annoy him. 
 You always make a silly ass of yourself when he's around 
 and crack bad puns, and oppose him. He doesn't know 
 what you've got in you. How could he? 
 
 Jimmie. Consequently I'd like to have a chance to 
 show him. I'd like to have a few bandits on hand. 
 
 Devil {interrupting). You talk big enough for six. 
 What would you do with the bandits, those poor bandits? 
 
 Jimmie. I'd get the Quigley family away from here. 
 
 Devil. And what would the bandits be doing in the 
 meantime? So you're willing as long as you can play the 
 toy soldier, to risk the lives and comfort of everyone, 
 Cassandra included? That's your wish, is it? 
 
 Jimmie. I'm tired of being sneered at. 
 
 Devil. Supposing the bandits were too much for you ? 
 
 t7M 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Such things have been heard of! What of Cassandra 
 then? Suppose you were killed, for the sake of argument, 
 and Mrs. Quigley, Harriet and Cassandra were held for 
 ransom, would it be worth it? 
 
 JiMMiE. Of course I don't really wish it. It's only 
 that— 
 
 Devil. I know. (Seriously.) You may have your 
 chance after all. Whom does Petros look like? 
 
 JiMMiE, Hadji Stavros. 
 
 Devil. And Hadji Stavros is a dangerous man, full 
 of trick and treachery. He lives in these mountains, and 
 the people are afraid. Many travelers come here who are 
 never heard of again. Would it not be w^ise to interview 
 Petros before it is too late? {The Devil quietly with- 
 draws. ) 
 
 JiMMiE. There's something in this. (Suddenly.) 
 Jones! (Enter Jones. He is more masculine than before.) 
 Could I -speak to you a moment? 
 
 Jones. Charmed, I am sure. 
 , JiMMiE. Jones, can I count on your assistance in case 
 of trouble? I have a suspicion that Petros is none other 
 than Hadji Stavros, the bandit. 
 
 Jones. I'm with you, old chap, but what do you plan 
 to do? 
 
 Jimmie.. See Petros immediately before the sun has 
 set. If we can surprise him and get him bound hand and 
 foot the old rascal's fangs will be pretty well drawn. You 
 see we can use him as a hostage until the rope's fixed. 
 You and I can handle him alone, I think. No use worry- 
 ing the rest of them. 
 
 Jones. Right oh, I'm with you. 
 
 Jimmie. Here he comes now. (Enter Petros. He 
 looks ferocious and stern.) Father Petros,, is there any 
 way for me to leave here tonight ? 
 
 178 1 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Petros. Leave here? 
 
 JiMMiE. Yes, leave here. I w^ant to get back to 
 Athens. 
 
 Petros. Ah, so you're not enjoying yourself, Mr. 
 Son-in-lav\^ ? I have a little score to pay with you some- 
 time, for making me ridiculous to Mr. Quigley. Yes. 
 
 JiMMiE. If you'll get me back to Athens tonight, I 
 shall make it v^orth your w^hile, Father Petros. 
 
 Petros. Perhaps it vi^ould be a good thing. But still, 
 what is one man to me? {With decision.) No, the rope is 
 cut. It is impossible. 
 
 JiMMiE. I want to go by the secret passage, Father 
 Petros. 
 
 Petros. Who speaks of a secret passage? And why 
 do you say "Petros" as you do? 
 
 JiMMiE. It's your name, isn't it? Of course there's 
 a secret passage. All these old monasteries have one. 
 
 Petros. You are wrong, my friend, you are wrong. 
 When you leave here, you leave by the rope. It will be 
 ready for you very soon. {He turns on his heel.) 
 
 JiMMiE. By the bye, Father Petros, haven't I seen 
 you somewhere before? Your face is very familiar. Have 
 you ever been to the great city of Athens? 
 
 Petros {sharply). You mean something you do not 
 say. What is it? 
 
 JiMMiE {jumping at him and tearing off his gown, 
 thereby disclosing Petros in full bandit's regalia). I mean 
 that you are Hadji Stavros. 
 
 Hadji Stavros {blowing on a whistle). I shall make 
 short work of you. {Enter the monks on the run.) Elatho! 
 anderes mou. 
 
 Monks. Malista, Hadji Stavros. {They throw of 
 their gowns and appear in full brigand's costume. They 
 
 I 79 J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 throw themselves on Chard and Jones, who struggle 
 furiously.) 
 
 Hadji Stavros {leaving the major part of the conflict 
 to the monks). You bring things to pass sooner than I 
 planned, but sunset or moonlight it is all one to Hadji 
 Stavros. {Jones and Jimmie in the meantime have been 
 knocked down, but Jimmie staggers to his feet and pick- 
 ing up a chair, swings it above his head.) 
 
 Jimmie. Stand back ! My fight's with the old villain 
 and I can't waste time on you. {He strikes one monk 
 with the chair and stuns him. Two other monks lie back 
 unconscious, while Jones straddles a third.) Now, Hadji, 
 I'm ready for you. 
 
 Hadji Stavros {smiling calmly). Do you suppose 
 this is all my band? 
 
 Jimmie {snatching a revolver from Hadjis belt). I 
 lost my own revolver in the cataract. Now, I'm ready for 
 you. 
 
 Hadji Stravos. You took the wrong one. That 
 revolver is not loaded. {Brandishing another.) I emptied 
 it into an American two weeks ago, who would not pay 
 his ransom, and listen, it does you no good to fight me, 
 for I have you and the Americans in my hand. When the 
 sun is set fifty of my band come up the secret way. Fifty. 
 Hadji Stavros is no child. He knows his business. 
 
 Jimmie {catching Hadji Stavros' hand, in which is the 
 loaded weapon). You're going to tell me where that 
 secret stair is now. 
 
 Hadji Stavros. Anderes mou. {They struggle.) 
 
 Jimmie {to Jones). Get Cassandra and the Quigleys. 
 Tell them there is not a moment to lose, and by the time 
 )'ou get back I'll have that secret passage out of the old 
 man if I have to choke him. 
 
 Jones. Can you handle him alone? 
 180 J 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE. I think I can. Hurry. It is almost sunset 
 now. 
 
 Jones. Right oh. {Exit.) 
 
 Hadji Stavros {fiercely). Let go of me, you son of 
 a dog. {They struggle furiously.) Anderes, anderes mou. 
 P^Jatho! {Suddenly there is a loud report and Jimrnie 
 catches Hadji Stavros by the throat while the revolver 
 clatters to the pavement.) 
 
 JiMMiE. Tell me where the secret stair is, and be 
 quick about it. 
 
 Hadji Stavros. You child of a child,, I laugh at you. 
 
 JiMMiE. I mean what I say. 
 
 Hadji Stavros. Faugh! (He attempts to throw 
 Jimmie ojf, but Jimmie with a quick jiu-jitsu move downs 
 him on the pavement and sits upon him, and resumes his 
 grip on his throat.) 
 
 Hadji Stavros. Ach! Ach! I tell you. Go to the 
 foot of the net and lift up the third stone from the right 
 and {Enter Chubbock.) 
 
 Chubbock. Want any help? I have locked the 
 fathers in the wine cellar. 
 
 Jimmie. Try the third stone to the right of the 
 derrick if you don't mind. I'm after a secret passage. 
 
 Chubbock. No, sir, nothing 'ere,, sir. He's a tricky 
 old cove, sir. 
 
 Hadji Stavros. Stop! Stop! 
 
 Jimmie. Come now, I said no lies. Quick! 
 
 Hadji Stavros. Third stone from the right of the 
 door, pull it out and you will find a ring. Turn it and 
 it is the passage. 
 
 Chubbock {following directions and finding a secret 
 door). I've found it, sir. 
 
 [81] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE. Here, tie him up, Chubbock, and drop him 
 in the goat tower. 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, sir. {He drags Hadji off in a half- 
 vnconscious state. Enter Goldina with her mother, 
 Harriet and the others. They are subdued and terrified. 
 Goldina alone is very calm.) 
 
 JiMMiE. Cassandra, you must hurry down those stairs 
 and Jones, you go first 
 
 QuiGLEY {in a state bordering on utter collapse). 
 Bandits! Bandits! Oh, what shall we do? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {feebly). Bandits! 
 
 JiMMiE. You've not a moment to lose. As long as 
 you get away from here before sundown you're all right. 
 
 Jones. Come on. {He starts down the stair, Mrs. 
 Quigley following him with Belinda.) 
 
 Goldina. Jimmie, what is it? 
 
 ■JiMMiE. I'm shot in the leg, that's all, so I can't go 
 with you. 
 
 Goldina. But you must. We'll carry you. .{Quigley 
 and Chubbock, who has returned from disposing of Hadji 
 Stavros, pause open-mouthed at this last development.) 
 
 Chubbock. Yes, sir, we'll carry you. 
 
 JiMMiE. No, the stair is too narrow — go — hurry! 
 Before the rest of Hadji Stavros' band get here. 
 
 Goldina. I sha'n't leave without you, Jimmie. 
 
 JiMMlE. You must. They would only kill both of us 
 if you stayed — one is enough. 
 
 Goldina. But I'd rather die if you 
 
 Jimmie. No, for my sake, not that. Please go. With 
 my last breath, I ask it. 
 
 Quigley. Chard, I take back what I said of you. 
 
 Jimmie. Thank you, Mr. Quigley, but there's no 
 time to lose. {Exit Mr. Quigley.) 
 
 [82] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDiNA. Jimmle, I can't go. 
 
 JiMMiE. You must, dear, the sun is setting. If you 
 love me, go. 
 
 GoLDiNA. For your sake, then — • — (She turns and, 
 ivavering for a moment, staggers out through the door after 
 Chubbock. Jimmie stands alone in the twilight.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 Before the Curtain. 
 
 Quigley's Voice. Bless me, the curtain came down 
 a bit suddenly. 
 
 Devil. That's because Jimmie has stopped daydream- 
 ing, and will now try to put his thoughts into practice. 
 
 QuiGLEY. What do you mean? 
 
 Devil. He's been imagining so hard that now he's 
 going to do something about it. My advice to you, Mr. 
 Quigley, is to keep your eye on Jimmie. I must be ofE 
 to China. Have I fulfilled my part of the contract satis- 
 factorily? 
 
 Quigley. Yes. You have indeed. 
 
 Devil. If you'll excuse me, then, I'll say good night. 
 You'll be waking yourself in a moment. By the bye, I 
 shall send a message to my mother that I have found two 
 heads which she will very much like to visit. Now remem- 
 ber your compact, and you will never see again the Devil 
 in the Cheese. (The lights go out.) 
 
 [83] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 (Quigley is discovered sleeping by the table on the 
 terrace as in Act I. He slowly wakes. Enter Jimmie 
 Chard at back in a light Tyrolean costume.) 
 
 Jimmie. O, Jones, could I speak to you a moment? 
 {Enter Jones in an abbreviated Greek costume.) 
 
 Jones. Well, rather. Charmed, I'm sure. What do 
 you think of this for a costume? It's all that was left. 
 Still, I couldn't keep on my sopping wet duds. By Jove ! 
 Your suit is ripping. 
 
 Jimmie. Heaven forbid! I've been thinking things 
 over and I'm afraid there's trouble ahead. 
 
 Jones. How do you mean ? 
 
 Jimmie. Have you ever been to the Athens Nickel- 
 odeon ? 
 
 Jones. You mean that moving picture place? I can't 
 say that I have. They're so beastly hard on the eyes. 
 
 Jimmie. They had a picture there of Hadji Stavros, 
 the bandit. 
 
 Jones. Must have been very interesting, old chap. 
 
 Jimmie. I'm convinced that Petros and Hadji Stavros 
 are one. 
 
 Jones. You don't say so! It seems a bit ridiculous 
 — er — and absurd. 
 
 Jimmie. Yes, it's an awfully humorous idea, I know. 
 But we can soon find out how much comedy there is in it. 
 You and I will get hold of Petros, then if he proves to be 
 Hadji Stavros we will bind him and get the Quigleys 
 out of here in some way before darkness comes on. 
 
 Jones. You're exaggerating! That peaceful old 
 monk a bandit! Why it's impo3sible. {Jimmie in the 
 
 [84] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 meantime tries to find the ring and the secret passage. 
 but with no success.) 
 
 JiMMiE. Hm! Thought I'd find the secret passage, 
 but my imagination seems to have run away with me a 
 little. 
 
 Jones. Quite so. It's all your imagination. 
 
 JiMMiE. I wish it were. I've been thinking things 
 over, as I said. Nothing is impossible in a lonely spot 
 like this. The lives of Cassandra and her family may 
 depend on us. 
 
 Jones. I'd rather not tackle any bandits, all the same. 
 They're not in my line. 
 
 JiMMiE. Buck up, and be serious. Once get that old 
 beggar in our power and we're all right. 
 
 Jones. Really, I must decline. I — In the first place, 
 I don't think it's respectful to an old monk, for I must 
 say I don't share your absurd views in the least. A 
 chance resemblance in the Athens Nickelodeon is hardly 
 adequate proof. 
 
 JiMMiE. But supposing he is a bandit, and I am abso- 
 lutely confident he is 
 
 Jones. Then all the more reason for leaving him 
 alone. I'd as soon think of pattin' a wasp. Believe me, 
 old chap, I've heard that the only thing to do when 
 bandits are about is to duck your head and let them blow 
 over. 
 
 Jimmie. I'll be darned ! So you won't help me? Then 
 1 must ask Mr. Quigley. 
 
 Jones. Of course you understand that my reason is 
 that it's all piffle. A perfectly harmless old monk and you 
 think 
 
 Jimmie. Well, here comes your ''perfectly harmless 
 old monk." We'll soon find out. 
 
 [85] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Jones. I think I hear someone calling me. I'll — I'll 
 be back. {Exit.) {Mr. Quigley, who has heard every- 
 thing, rises.) 
 
 QuiGLEY. I'm glad I found him out. I heard every- 
 tbJng, Jimmie, and I'm surprised at him. I didn't think 
 he was such a lily-livered afEair as that. 
 
 Jimmie {unable to conceal his contempt). Neither 
 did I. 
 
 Quigley. You say Hadji Stavros is coming. Well, 
 I'll help you myself. And, Jimmie, that fight was 
 immense, and your shooting yourself in the leg and all 
 the rest of it. 
 
 Jimmie. Why, what do you mean? I haven't been 
 fighting. 
 
 Quigley. No. But you imagined a ripsnorter. 
 
 Jimmie. Mr. Quigley, has anything happened to you? 
 
 Quigley. Come, come, Chard, own up. Am I right? 
 Revolvers and secret stairs and brigands on the side. 
 
 Jimmie {thunderstruck) . You ought to go into vaude- 
 ville, Mr. Quigley, as a mind reader. I suppose you think 
 me more of an idiot than ever. 
 
 Quigley. Not at all. I agree with you perfectly, 
 Jimmie. I ought to have known better than to have 
 brought my family out here in the first place. 
 
 Jimmie. We haven't much time to lose, Mr. Quigley. 
 Ah, here's the old reprobate, now. 
 
 Quigley. Well, we can handle him. {Enter Petros.) 
 
 Jimmie. I want to speak to you a moment. Father 
 Petros. 
 
 Petros. Oh, you told me Mr. Quigley would like it, 
 hut he did not. 
 
 Jimmie. I want to get back to Athens tonight. 
 
 Petros. But the rope is cut. It is impossible. 
 
 [86] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 JiMMiE. Is there no other way? 
 
 Petros. It is the only way. 
 
 JiMMiE. I want to go by the secret passage, Father 
 Petros. 
 
 Petros. Who speaks of a secret passage? I do not 
 know him. 
 
 JiMMiE. Did you ever hear of Hadji Stavros? 
 
 Petros {trembling) . What of Hadji Stavros? 
 
 JiMMiE. I know what he looks like. And I have 
 recognized him, Father Petros, in this monastery. 
 
 Petros {trembling). Ah, no. That is impossible. 
 
 QuiGLEY. Enough of this. We know you, Hadji 
 Stavros, own up. {He tears the gown from Petros with 
 Jimmie's help and the monk is discovered in his shift.) 
 
 Petros. Ee parterres mou. Ee parterres mou. ( The 
 monks, who have entered during the scuffle, cower at the 
 back like frightened sheep.) Elatho — elatho. This is 
 an outrage to the Greek Church. 
 
 QuiGLEY {laughing suddenly) . Jumping Jehosaphat! 
 I see where your imagination, Chard, ran off with the 
 two of us. 
 
 JiMMiE. I beg your pardon, Father. He's a simple 
 looking brigand, isn't he? I took you for somebody else, 
 that's all. {Enter Mrs. Quigley unexpectedly in a danc- 
 ing girl's costume. She is followed by Harriet in a Yama 
 Yama dress, and Denny in a short Greek tunic. Belinda 
 is dressed as Buster Brown, while Lizzie and Chubbock 
 bring up the rear.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Mr. Quigley, I hear we've reached 
 brigands. At least, that's what Mr. Jones says. 
 
 Harriet. Anything for a little excitement. 
 
 Denny. Where are they. Mater? I've got my golf cup 
 all ready for 'em. 
 
 [87] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY {to Chubbock). Bring Miss Goldina. {Exit 
 Chubbock.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Don't you give them your golf cup, 
 Agamemnon, darling. I'd swallow my jewels before a 
 brigand should have them. 
 
 Denny. I only planned to give it to him in the side 
 of the head. Mater. You see we haven't even an umbrella 
 to swat them with. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. But where are they? Mr. Jones, 
 where are your bandits? 
 
 Denny. Yes, Jones, cough up your bandits. 
 
 Quigley. Must have been one of Murphy-Jones' 
 dreams. 
 
 Jones. Not at all. They're not my bandits. I merely 
 said as a joke on Jimmie that 
 
 Quigley. Not another word from you, do you hear? 
 Keep quiet. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Why, why! Do I believe my ears? 
 Mr. . Quigley throwing mud at his idol? {Growing 
 very indignant.) Do you mean to say there aren't any 
 brigands, and you got me out here for nothing? 
 
 Denny. The Mater is disappointed. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. What is he doing without his wrap- 
 per, may I ask? 
 
 Petros. I am about to curse you all, for the sacrilege 
 to the Greek Church. And I shall have you all thrown 
 over the wall. ( The monks murmur imprecations. 
 "Malista, Quigley bah!") 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. A new development. {Chubbock 
 returns.) 
 
 Quigley. Come, come. Father Petros. It was all a 
 mistake and I'm willing to give you four thousand 
 drachmae for your monastery to show you how sorry I 
 am. We want to go back to Athens tonight. 
 
 [88] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 Petros. That is different. Four thousand drachmae 
 — but the rope is 
 
 Chubbock. I managed to fix the rope, Mr. Petros, 
 and everything's O. K. 
 
 Hercules. I must confess it was my doing. I fished 
 for it with my wireless paraphernalia. Then Chubbock 
 has been helping me in splicing it. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. But we can't go like this. I haven't 
 the face to go back to Athens as a dancing girl. 
 
 Quigley. We'll go to Larissa and join our trunks, 
 and 
 
 Petros. There's someone down below. I'll drop 
 the net for him. {Enter Miss Bledsoe and Goldina as 
 Bo Peep and Juliet.) Gureedzete strevlee. {The monks 
 lower the net.) 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. I hear there are brigands. How 
 terrifying ! 
 
 Quigley. Who are you ? 
 
 Miss Bledsoe. Bo Peep, sir. 
 
 Quigley. Why it's Miss Bledsoe. Well, Goldina, 
 how's the governor and the hat pin ? 
 
 Goldina {at the word hat pin drops her studied indif- 
 ference and gasps). What hat pin, papa? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. I thought he was better. Why don't 
 we start? 
 
 Quigley. We will, as soon as you're ready. Chub- 
 bock and Lizzie, go in and pack up. I'll write you out 
 your check, Petros. 
 
 JiMMiE {to Goldina). I think everything is going to 
 be all right, Cassandra. Something's come over your 
 father. Would you mind telling me, Mr. Quigley, how 
 you knew about my being shot in the leg and the secret 
 stair ? 
 
 [89] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 GoLDlNA. O, Jimmie, were you ? 
 
 JiMMiE. No, I wasn't at all, really. But Mr. Quigley 
 thought I thought it and I did, but I don't know how he 
 knew. 
 
 M|is. Quigley. Governors, hat pins, stairways and 
 leg;:! And it's all due to that Devil in the Cheese. 
 
 Quigley. You're more right than you know, Theo- 
 dosia. It's all due to the Devil in the Cheese. It's a long 
 story. I'll tell you sometime. The end is that Goldina 
 and Jimmie were married and lived happily forever after. 
 
 Goldina. Father ! 
 
 Denny. Bully for you. Governor. 
 
 Harriet. Congratulations, Jimmie. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Don't you feel rather out of it, Mr. 
 Jones, in that costume? {Enter Parapagopolos in the net.) 
 
 Parapagcpolos. Please, Mr. Chard, I have brought 
 the macaroni. 
 
 Jimmie {reading the message). Parapagopolos, my 
 darling! Well, what do you know? It's a go. 
 
 All. What's a go ? 
 
 Quigley. The Buggy-O, of course. 
 
 Jimmie. Say, you know everything about me, don't 
 you? The Buggy-O means that Goldina and I can get 
 married, that's all. 
 
 Quigley. Well,, pile into the net, everybody. Mrs. 
 Quigley and Belinda and I, and Denny and Harriet and 
 Hercules will get into the first net, Jimmie and Goldina 
 into the second, all to themselves, and the leavings can 
 come last. 
 
 Jones. Thank Heaven I won't be squashed this time. 
 Chubbock, you may call me when the net's ready. {He 
 saunters angrily off.) 
 
 Mrs. Quigley {stepping into the net). Do you think 
 we will get down all right? 
 
 [90] 
 
THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 
 
 QuiGLEY. You'll get down all right, don't worry 
 about that. 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. Oh, my teeth ! 
 
 QuiGLEY. Drop 'em? 
 
 Mrs. Quigley. No, Mr. Quigley, they're chattering. 
 
 Chubbock. Shall I put in the cheese, sir? 
 
 Quigley {getting into the net after Denny and 
 Harriet). No. Leave it behind. I'm through with 
 cheese and thunderation. 
 
 Denny. Congratulations, Governor. 
 
 Quigley. All aboard. 
 
 Harriet. Back to Athens. 
 
 Hercules. Back to Lulu at last. {Song, "Back to 
 Athens/^ as they sink out of sight. Jimmie and Goldina 
 are left alone together as the song dies away.) 
 
 Goldina. O, Jimmie, dear, I'm so happy. But do 
 j^ou understand what came over papa? 
 
 Jimmie. I'll be darned if I do. He says it was the 
 Devil in the Cheese. {The monks, busy at their work 
 about the windlass, sing a chant that has the love music 
 of Goldina and Jimmie winding through it. The latter 
 move over to the edge of the parapet away from the 
 monks, and Jimmie takes Goldina in his arms as the cur- 
 tain falls.) 
 
 curtain. 
 
 Second Curtain. Jimmie is helping Goldina into the 
 net, the monks still singing their song, and then they 
 slowly float away out of sight.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 [91] 
 
MAR 23 19U