%. C HrJUT. IfcM this ^cp^(se^(se BY J-C-ALDEN DRAWINGS BY B • C • HILLIAM Glass P S 2l£j1) Book ■ L.i 3 .3 ( . 5 fiqwightfl I HZ 6 C.OfYR(GHT DEPOSIT Qh u c hje s "Fine Words Butter No Parsnips 3 Hi'M«'«w JUN 17 1920 Qhuc kje s THIS IDIOCY BY JOHN CARVER ALDEN ILLUSTRATIONS BY B. C HILLIAM BOSTON MARSHALL JONES COMPANY MDCCCCXX COPYRIGHT- I920-BY MARSHALL JONES COMPANY TBI PLIMPTON PRESS* NORWOOD •MASS'U* S 'A ©CU570399 FORE LINES FORE LINES While "The Odyssey" of Homer is unquestion- ably fine, It may not be compared with this Idiocy of mine. Comparisons are odious; my verse is different, quite, From that of Mr. Homer's, which is far more erudite. [7] CHUCKLES A PLEA FOR NONSENSE In moments of anguish how often we find Some frivolous thought is engrossing the mind. 'Tis Nature's relief for the overwrought brain, That, otherwise, might not have withstood the strain. Quite possible that, if taken in season, This nonsense may save some tottering reason. [8] COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS [9] ? B. C. *\\\,* x»> COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS AN APOLOGY With lovely themes my brain fair teems, When I am far from pen and ink. But what I cannot understand Is why — with pen and ink at hand — My stupid mind seems on the blink. TRUE DEMOCRACY "Mah friend," said Col. Moseby Yards (Towards games of chance the Col. leans), "We recognize, when slipping cyards, The right divine of Kings and Queens." MENS SANA On shaking my furnace (a figure for mind) In its refuse of ashes and clinkers, This one feeble spark I happened to find — That musicians are always sound thinkers. COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS AN EPITAPH Until her blest abode this gossip gained, In ignorance of much, the Lord remained. A FIGHTING CHANCE O, would I were an Eskimo, A-drift upon an Arctic floe: For there, 'twere possible to quell The spirit of the H. C. L. PEERAGE IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM Were knighthood known to that "low-class," A belted earl would be the Ass. The Zebra with its many a stripe, Were still the Ass's prototype. TO A CROCUS Of all the shameless birds I know, The meanest is the thieving Crow. And why in him do I find flaws'? A woman's reason — just be-caws! [13] CHUCKLES A SMOKE WREATH To sing thy praise, beloved pipe. I smite the Poet's lyre. And pay, while Muse hath fervid gripe, This homage to my briar. AFTER DINNER COFFEE The diffrence 'twixt this cup and Flub, Said Snodkins — dining at his club — The cup is just a demi-tasse, While Flub's a most consummate Ass. A VEXED QUESTION SETTLED {From Log Found in the Ark Hives) Noah was the founder of the A. P. (i) A-ry. Later, we find Hamlet in a quan-d-ary. 'Twould seem as if the fact his mind quite failed to seize — Else, why raise the question concerning those two bees? [14] CHUCKLES SALINITY For being too fresh, Mrs. Lot was turned into A pillar of salt. Be it known to those kin to The lady here named, i.e., the o'er curious, That over-much salt is highly injurious. PRESENTATION AT COURT "Well, what is the charge*?" (The Sergeant seemed huffy.) 'Twas the cop's first arrest; he'd dragged in two men. "Begorra," quoth Pat, "yez naden't git shtuffy, It's chape at foive dollars. Oi'd orter git ten." [16] CHUCKLES A TOAST Let whoever will name the Father of Waters — He also may christen the sons and the daughters. As she rolls to the Gulf in toggery drippy, I give you — the Mother — our own Mrs. Sippi. ADVANTAGES OF THE ABLATIVE The Ass hath speech ! For proof of it See statement made in Holy Writ. While many asses at this day Profess to speak, they do but bray. LAMENTABLE (A Parody) Of all sad words of tongue or quill, The saddest are these: "Please pay this bill!" [18] B . C. WAV «»*\ , CHUCKLES REVISION DOWNWARD Time was when we could well afford To pay our tithes unto the Lord. But since high prices have the call, The Devil seems to get it all. DREAM STUFF There was an old lady named Weymss, Who used to have horrible dreymss. Kept her neighbors awake By the bedlam she'd make Emitting her ear-splitting screymss. [20] CHUCKLES A MODERN NARCISSUS He stands in garb nocturnal dressed Ere turning off the light, With lips against the mirror pressed, To kiss himself "Good-night." IN FRIENDSHIP'S NAME In friendship's name how many use us, And then most shame- fully abuse us. THE PHILOSOPHER'S CREED 'Tis dusty when it's dry; 'Tis muddy when it rains. But what's the odds, say I, An we remove the stains'? [22] &. ^< Wil* CHUCKLES INTESTATE That Spifkins left no will seemed odd. "Not so" — a wit denied. " 'Twas broken by his wife, ecod ! Long years before he died !" LEGENDARY The changes wrought by Fashion's whims Extend, 'twould seem, to nether limbs. Once, fair maids would fain conceal 'em. Now, so dress as to reveal 'em. [24] LIMERICKS [27] LIMERICKS OWED TO THE LIMERICK When minus a venomous sting, The Limerick's a mighty good thing. For in it, you know, One can let himself go, And shoot, as it were, on the wing. AN ALLEGORY There was a gay Widow in Leeds, Who planted her Garden with Seeds. But she found to her Cost, That her Labor was lost, For nothing would grow there but Weeds. AN INVOLUNTARY TARRY A Dealer in Coffees in Havre, Long since to buy Goods, went to Java. Convulsions volcanic Disturbed Things organic. He's there to this Day in the Lava. [29] CHUCKLES NEEDS SIFTING There's anthracite Coal and bituminous; Their Prices, however, are ruinous. In their Beds let them lie, As in mine so shall I. The Reason I think's fairly luminous. PEEVED There was a young Woman in Dexter, Whose Parents said something that vexed her. To a Jelly she beat them, And proceeded to eat them. Which same, you'll admit, quite unsexed her. A BLUE STREAK He stood at the end of the Quay, While watching a Ship put to Suay. It -was through a blue Haze He dkected his gaze, When stung on the Nose by a buay. l3of CHUCKLES AN AMAZING TALE An Englishman, home from Hong-Kong, Determined, it seems, to go wrong. For he entered a Maze, Where he ended his Days. Requiescat in Pace. Ding-Dong ! A CELESTIAL TALE t» There was an old Chink in Shang-hai, Who said to some Friends: ''See me fly! Tied his Kite to his Queue, And sailed into the blue, The Watchers all yelling: "Ki-yi!" DEATH IN THE POT Said the Chef to a Turtle one day : "Come into my Kitchen, I pray." But the Turtle replied: "Thanks; I'll stay here outside." Some Impulses one should obey. [32] CHUCKLES SOME ALTITUDE I met up with a Chap from Fayal. Who was 9 Feet and 12 Inches tall. Had he been any higher. You'd have called me a Liar. Still, he may have grown some since last Fall, A FAR CRY A Spinster, one Caroline Kent. Whose Life had been sadly miss-spent. Cried: "Long have I tarried; I want to get married. Kind Heaven! Please send me a Gent!" A SUCCESSFUL ALIBI A bestial Celestial. Lam Chop, Was done to his Death by a Cop. Facts Jury derided — Said Chop suey-cided, And there let the whole Matter drop. [34] ** CHUCKLES JUST CAUSE A Woman who lived in Chicago Incessantly played Haendel's Largo. Her Husband, a coarse Brute, Just won his Divorce Suit By going no farther than Fargo. THE WAY TO THE HEART Said a Dog-fish — "I frankly will own That I'm sick of this living alone. If one's to be had, I'll marry a shad, Then I'll always be sure of a Bone." A TRUE SPORT A Sportsman who lived in Bombay, For Work, stalked the Tiger by Day. But his greatest Delight Was to buck him by Night — For this he considered mere Play. [36] ft. r.*V« V%*H CHUCKLES A SCANT OCTAVE A Basso, who lived in Toledo, Tried singing the Scale a la Guido. Sang do — re — mi — fa, Sometimes sol — seldom la; Quite out of his reach, though, were ti — do. AN IRASCIBLE SEAMAN A Sailor, who shipped 'fore the Mast, Cried: "Ahoy! Belay there! Avast!" When he found the Ship's Tonnage Wouldn't hold all his Dunnage, And then went ashore hard and fast. [38] CHUCKLES THE POWER OF MUSIC Said His Grace unto Leopold de Meyer, Who had played with great Vigor and Fire, "I will pledge you my Word, Of all Players Fve heard, There's not one that with you can perspire." A SUPERSTITIOUS BUYER A Mule was shipped on from Brazil. Consignee would not pay the Bill — Not a Cent would he pay, Till he heard the brute bray. Said: "I'll not buy a Mule that brays ill." [40] K - AN ART STUDY An Ait st, Ke Painting was crude. Would pr n depicting the nu. W - sad, T^as not even bad. -'- V • INDIVIDUAL SALTS [451 4nl*»%u— . INDIVIDUAL SALTS "SAL ATTICUM" An ex-Sailor, Ex-haler of Malt, Which his Wife seemed to think was a Fault For his Language emphatic, She shipped to the Attic, Deeming that the best Place for her Salt. "CUM GRANO SALIS" The Husband of one, Arabella, Had stoked on a twin-screw Propeller. I have recently learned She has had him interned, And now keeps her Salt in the Cellar. SHAKEN BEFORE TAKEN A Physician there was who took ill. He prescribed for himself — took a Pill. Then he took to his Bed, Where they found him stone dead. In his Hand, madly clutched, was his Bill. — — CHUCKLES AVOIDING FRICTION There was an old, ugly Curmudgeon, Who once, in a State of high Dudgeon, Seized two little Boys, Who were making a Noise, And smeared them all over with Gudgeon. A PHILOSOPHICAL ANGLER A Sportsman went fishing in Maine. From biting, the Fish did abstain. Still, he caught a small Eel, Which he said made him feel As though he'd not labored in vain. A DISGRUNTLED NIMROD A Sportsman went hunting in Maine. He looked for big Game, but in vain. At last saw a Rabbit; Exclaimed then: "O, dab it! To shoot that blamed Thing I'll not deign." [48] CHUCKLES A BAD SPELL A Tourist, on reaching Cadiz, Had a Dentist extract all his Tiz. I have heard that he said, Without these in the haid, The Language one spoke with more Eiz. TURNED DOWN A dissolute Person from Lynn — Long Years had he wallowed in Synn. Time came for St. Peter To read the Man's Meter — You've guessed that he didn't get ynn. TAME SPORT There was an old Woman in Wales, Whose Pastime was hunting for Snails. Had a singular Way Of bagging her Prey — She speared them with ten-penny Nails. [50] SEMI-QUAVERS [5i] m SEMI-QUAVERS MARTYRDOM Martyrs, in the early days, Were put to death in various ways. Some, fast bound by neck and heel, Were broken on the cruel wheel. And there are those, who, even yet, Go broke upon the wheel Roulette. FISHERMAN'S LUCK When Jonah went aboard the ship, To make that record fishing trip, He little thought that he would be The one to gain celebrity. He was, no doubt, thrown overboard Because the crew was over-bored. We all know what became of Jonah, But what of ship, ship's crew, and owner? [53? CHUCKLES BEADLE, BEAGLE, AND DEEDLE Mr. Deedle owned a beagle, Keeping which was quite illegal, For he never paid a license on the hound : So one day a Beadle haughty, Said to Deedle: "This is naughty, And I cannot let your dog run loose around." Then this Beadle, mien quite regal, Took away from D. his beagle. The philosophy of which is clearly sound. While a V. from Mr. Deedle, The authorities did wheedle, As it takes about that sum to make a pound. AN ABSCONDER There was a crooked man, and he ran a crooked mile To throw pursuing sleuth hounds off the scent. He carried off the swag in one enormous bag, And no one, to this day, knows where he went. [54] SEMI-QUAVERS ERUDITION vs. OSTENTATIOUS WEALTH Of scholars I have known, not any Were in the class with Dr. Penny. The wisdom which this man possessed Exceeded that of all the rest; The foolishness of Caleb Pound In inverse ratio — as profound. If judged by canons of the mart, To gain vast wealth were life's chief part. The insignificance of pence Compared with pounds is evidence Mere learning has but little chance Wherever Mammon leads the dance. A RAKE-OFF Though deep the snow, I came one day Upon Maud Muller, raking hay. The fact were passing strange, I'll own, Had this same hay but been new mown. But Maud, to feed the horse and cow, Was raking it from off the mow. [55] CHUCKLES O, PSHAW A NEAR NUDE Now, if George Bernard Shaw Wished to pose in the raw, As he sat in his tub For that now famous scrub, While as Art 'twas not fine — That his look-out, not mine. As a pose for the nude It was certainly crude ; For 'twas nothing but just His head, shoulders and bust. THE KEY-NOTE Without a doubt A flat's the key In which to do "My Rosary." Note notes chromatically changed, As in key's signature arranged. To all musicians this must seem An interesting color scheme. [56] B. C Hiili ah. SEMI-QUAVERS THE PERFECTLY OBVIOUS "I'se Mary Anna Lamb," she cried — This maid of ebon hue. "No need to ask, then," I replied "Whose little lamb are ewe." "Your father was, 'tis plain to see, The black sheep of his family." This fine conceit so touched my tickle, I forthwith gave the child a nickel. AN UNINTENTIONAL HOMICIDE I bought a little monkey To send my little niece. Seems funny that her nunky Thus caused her sad demise. Lead poison was what killed her — The paint was daubed so thick On monkey I way-billed her. You see 'twas on a stick. [59? CoeeoiA* \ ; u/« SEMI-OUAVERS OBEDIAH ?" "Now, Obediah, you come straight here! The voice rings out both shrill and clear. But Obediah respondeth not, For Obediah is wise, I wot. "Guess I kin tell," said Obediah, "Whenever fat is in the fire." [61] CHUCKLES CAUSE FOR THANKFULNESS "Sad, indeed," moaned the Mole, As he dug for his hole, "It is to be blind." "True; yet sadder" Said the sensible Bat, "If added to that, You and I were as deaf as the Adder." IN THE GRAND CANYON AN ALLEGED RONDEAU Standing near that awful chasm, Little Ellen had a spasm. Little Ellen often has 'em. When Little Ellen had this spasm, She stood a bit too near the chasm. Now Little Ellen never has 'em. [62] SEMI-QUAVERS LETTERED There was a man — his name was p.p. And he was very y.y. He knew enough to cross his t.t. And also dot his i.i. One thing to do, though, he'd ref-u.u. He would not mind his p.p. and q.q. Who ever made our a.b.c.c. He, too, was very y.y. Suppose we had to dot our t.t. And always cross our i.i.? I know that sailors cross the c.c. And they may do so if they plea-e.e. [63] THE SUBTLETY OF MOTHER GOOSE [65] SUBTLETY OF MOTHER GOOSE No. i LITTLE MISS MUFFET If Little Miss Muffet, Who sat on a tuffet, Had not at the spider demurred — Instead of retreating Had kept right on eating, I wonder what would have oc-curd. No. 2 SIMPLE SIMON Had Simple Simon met the Pieman Coming from the Fair, S. Simon ne'er had said to Pieman : "Let me taste your ware." The Pieman then, not having any, Would not have asked to see the penny. [In these examples one may see The working out of Destiny. ~\ — CHUCKLES No. 3 AN EXCERPT The sportive bovine of M. Goose, That leapt through space and cleared the Moon, Must know that e'en the most obtuse Now treats the tale but as a rune. From Camouflage we take our cue ; To Camouflage we make our bow. It may have been the Moon was blue ; It may have been a purple cow. [68] SKETCHES AND TALES [69] SKETCHES AND TALES WHEN I WENT WEST My Aunt Jane, married name Driscoe, Lives out West in San Francisco. Ma took sick — nothing serious — Her ill turns always weary us — Said I made an awful racket. Father vowed he'd warm my jacket. But Ma thought she might stand the strain If I was sent to stay with Jane. So off I went, and that's how is it I came to make Aunt Jane that visit. Was gone from home some three months, maybe. When I got back I found a baby. And Ma she 'fessed, she rather guessed What would happen, when I went West. [71] CHUCKLES AT THE MUSEUM (O.B.C.T.) Attracted by thy bulk, each day Behold me here my court to pay. To be exact, I'd state, fair maid, This courtship has to be prepaid. For ev'ry solitary time The management demands a dime Ere entrance to thy court I gain. 'Tis on my purse a heavy drain. Mountain of female loveliness, Upon thy weight I lay great stress. Of all the "Stars," my load thou art; While of them thou art still a-part. Unlike the vulgar horde who gape And marvel at thy uncouth shape, Transfixed, I try, with modest gaze, To estimate thy win some weighs. What poet was it, by the by, Who wrote the line: "Give sigh for sigh'"? In this affair I'd put him wise, [72] SKETCHES AND TALES And substitute "Give sighs for size." Some day I'll come, but you'll have flown. A figurative phrase I'll own: 'Twere more appropriate to say That you'd departed — gone a weigh To hold, elsewhere, your so v' reign sway. Most fitting cadence for this lay. THE ACID TEST I met a man some time ago, Whom I had much desired to know. His gracious mien, and winning smile — In him you'd swear there was no guile. Ef tsoon he asked me would I cash His cheque. Compliance seemed most rash. My Bank account was running low, And yet I could not say him No. Nine persons out of ten of those Who read this will, of course, suppose The cheque was worthless — as did I; The fact I'll not attempt deny. But for their benefit I'll say The Bank declared the same O.K. [73? CHUCKLES AN UNFILIAL SON To call him vicious, who, at nine, Could kill his Pa, and not repine, Would be, at least, arraignment mild. Yet, that he did, this wayward child. While subsequent events all prove He knew naught of the verb "to love." An ancient Aunt he also sent The same way that his Father went. Then nearly all his rel-a-tives Gave up, in turn, their precious lives. Almost superfluous to add That, when grown up, he turned out bad. Such acts as these would tend, at least, To prove this pachyderm a beast, — (Appropriately named Avernus.) His future deeds need not concern us, As they would only serve to irk us. He, later, travelled with a Circus. [74] SKETCHES AND TALES A PELAGIC TRAGEDY I walked on the beach, within easy reach Of a beautiful moonlit bay. And the Sun beat down on my poor bald crown — 'Twas a fearsome mid-August day. As I strolled along I trolled a song, In sundry and various keys. But never a word from my lips was heard, For as fast as they came they would freeze. At the turn of the tide were a groom and a bride Enjoying their brief honeymoon. Forgive me, I pray, for neglecting to say That the Month of the Year was June. And many a stare at that radiant pair Gave I from under my hat. Try hard as I dared, I never once shared A breath of their soulful chat. [75] CHUCKLES It happened so quick, and the tears fall thick, E'en now as I picture the scene. A monstrous big wave dashed them both to one grave — Old Ocean that grave will keep green. The sea claimed its own, while I, turned to stone, Made a wild, demoniacal grab. Alas ! 'Twas too late — both had gone to their fate. The jelly-fish and the poor crab. A TALE OF THE ROAD I walked a lonely country road, And sat me down to rest. The Sun was sinking a la mode Adown the Crimson West. "[76] SKETCHES AND TALES The day and I were both far spent. My feet were very sore. Since sun-up they at least had went Some thirty miles or more. My grammar here is badly spliced? True poets ne'er lack nerve. Though sense itself be sacrificed, The rhyme they will preserve. The day had been intensely hot — But one of many such — The Earth was like a melting pot. Sol had her in his clutch. [77] CHUCKLES As I was taking of mine ease, The sound of wheels drew nigh. I raised myself upon my knees, And cocked my weather eye. When tramping on the road, care-free, To dangers I'm not blind; So keep things well in front of me, Nor leaving much behind. And then, as if at my behest, Although of course 'twas not, The carriage, when it came abreast, Stopped short right on the spot. T78] SKETCHES AND TALES 8 I said : now then to find the cause : No sooner said than done. Right in the teeth of all known laws, The source and mouth were one. The horse, a sorry beast at best, A skeleton, almost, Laid down, and, as you may have guessed, Just yielded up the ghost. 10 A couple in the carriage sat, And they were face to face. Nor seemed to know where they were at. An aggravated case. [79] CHUCKLES 11 Perforce the labial contact showed Ignition at some head, But not enough to move the load. The spark-plug had gone dead. THE SAD TALE OF TENDER-HEARTED PETER B. I sing the tale as told to me Of tender-hearted Peter B. At sight of blood he'd turn quite faint, As some will do at smell of paint. The strangest thing about it is To find him in the butcher biz. He did not kill the steers and such, Fo [80] For that were asking over-much. SKETCHES AND TALES The patient kine might chew the cud Till crack o'doom, e'er he'd shed blood. 'Tis easy for the active mind Convenient loop-holes though to find. He hired a man to do that job, And paid him weekly fifteen bob. Most business men proclaim their line O'er door of shop on gilded sign. No sign of sign his shop did grace, One simply had to know the place. For Peter could not bear to see His name on letters bold and free. For at the sight he'd throw a fit. You deem this foolish 4 ? Wait a bit! He might as well have tried to kill, As try receipt a single bill. [81] CHUCKLES So, for this reason, you can see His terms were strictly C.O.D. At last things came to such a pass, He could not use a looking glass. To see himself reflected there Would cause to stand on end each hair — Or would, had he not worn a wig, Which proved him something of a prig. Now comes the part my halting verse Had really rather not rehearse. Biographers may have no choice; Their subject's lives they have to voice. If one has ever tried to shave, He knows, if he his face would save, He has to stand before a glass, And watch most carefully each pass SKETCHES AND TALES Of razor over cheek and jowl, An even then he'll sometimes howl. In forceful language he'll express His state of mind, with some excess. So Peter now, with savage oath, Tries hard to scrape a three week's growth. Eschewing mirrors, fails to see His precious physiognomy. There are some scenes my feeble pen May not depict. Consider then The distance — not so very far — From one's own chin to jugular. Twelve tried and true, with Thomas Baines As Foreman, sat on his remains. And from the inquest 'twould appear, His throat was cut from ear to ear. [83] CHUCKLES ADDENDUM Let those who have the time to spare These leger lines peruse with care. Of light they should let in a flood. His name in full was Peter Blood. [84] AT LAST IN CONCLUSION To say I think my verse is great, I'll frankly own Yd hesitate. Still, Vm content if in this chaff The Reader finds e'en half a laugh, [85] liiiilii J 018 604 433 2 I