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 ig",1!3^^° STATES OF AME 
 
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MADISON AGONISTES ; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE AGONIES OF MOTHEft GOOSE. 
 
 jTragment 
 
 — / 
 
 POLITICAL BURLETTA, 
 
 AS ACTING OR TO BE ACTED, 
 
 ON THE 
 
 AMEBIC A JV STAGE, 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDED, 
 SUNDRY OTHER MONOLOGUES, DIALOGUES, SONGS, &c. 
 
 As Spoken or Sung on the Boards of the great Poli- 
 tical Theatre of Europe, 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed by D. Deans, 1, Catlierine-Street, Strand ; 
 
 FOR JOHN CAWTHOR.V, NO. 5, CATHERINE-STREET, STRAND, 
 BOUK9ELL£K TO UKR ROYAL HIGHNESS THB FKIKCKSS OF WALKS. 
 
 1814. 
 
 Coj^y i 
 
■f 
 
 -^^ 
 
 
 \K 
 
 
 w 
 
DRAMATIS PERSONJE. 
 
 •i 
 
 (Randolpho. 
 
 Adamo. 
 
 Physician. 
 
 Officer. 
 
 King of Westphalia. 
 
 Federalist^ and Republican Members of 
 Congress. — Officers, Sgc, 
 
 Mother Goose. 
 Mother Jeff. 
 Miss Patterson. 
 
 * Two Members of the American Congress, re- 
 ported to be Men of Honour and Principle 1 1 ! 
 
 " Rara avis in terris, nigroque similliraa cygno." 
 
MADISON AGONISTES, S^c. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 Washington, Mother Goose*s House, 
 Enter Mother JefF, and Mdther Goose's Physician, 
 
 Mother Jeff, XXow does our friend and colleague, 
 Mother Goose ? 
 
 Phys, Why, well. 
 
 Mot. J, Deceive me not ; but speak the worst. 
 I read a meaning in that downcast eyCy 
 That bodes not well. — 
 
 Phys, Friend of my honour'd mistress, 
 I live but to obey you.— Goose is craz'd ! 
 
 Mot, J, How ? craz'd ! 
 
 Phys, This fatal news hath quite 6'erset her, 
 And turn'd to madness anxious meditation. 
 
 Mot, J, Pho ! let me to her. I'll soon bring hei 
 round ; 
 Her task is not so difficult with Bull. 
 He's quiet as a lamb, if rightly tickled. 
 
 b3 
 
No force of man can drive the wayward beast, 
 And yet a child may lead him with a thread. 
 Lie fiat upon your face, he'll not molest you, 
 Yet toss ten devils, if they're mad enough 
 To seize him by the horns, or tweak his tail. 
 No, no, there's more in this : come, be explicit. 
 
 JPh2/s. Know, then, the recent loss of a dear friend 
 Hath quite unhing'd her pow'rs ; she's sick at heart, 
 And views the danger on it's blackest side. 
 
 Mot. J. I marvel much, that Sansculotian system, 
 To which we both were converts, should have fail'd 
 To man lier with a sterner Stoicism, 
 TJian to be shaken by these common trifles. 
 
 PIiT/s. No one bears sorrow better. — Hopkins is 
 dead! 
 
 Mot. J. Her darling son ?— Alack, poor Mother 
 Goose ! 
 Dead ? why, they din'd with me five days ago. 
 The son and mother both ; and thou wast there too. 
 
 Phys. 'Twas then, thou know'st, this bitter news 
 arriv'd ; 
 Didst thou remark liis pale and ghastly visage? 
 
 Mot. J. Pale, deadly pale. — 
 
 Phys. From his unconscious hand, 
 Down dropt th' untasted bumper of peach-brandy. 
 Propt on my arm, slow went the warrior home \ 
 And need of aid like mine ; for with the shock, 
 The searching agonies of his old disease 
 
Return'd with tenfold fury ; to his bed 
 He crept, and never more arose with life. 
 
 Mot. J. 'T was then, alas \ his former camp -disorder. 
 That cruel diarrhea ? 
 
 Phys. Even so. 
 Mot. J. Farewell, thou martyr to thy countrj^'s 
 weal! 
 'Twas apprehension for her fate, that kill'd thee. 
 Phys. He told mc so himself. 
 
 Mot. J. O Hopkins ! Hopkins ! 
 And art thou gone ? To eat, to drink, to smoke, 
 And jest, good soul ! with thine accustom'd glee. 
 On politics and war ; when, the next moment, 
 The griping hand of death was sore upon thee ? 
 
 Phys. Well, rest his soul ; he was a merry man. 
 Dost recollect that last dispatch he penn'd ? 
 Mot, J. A truce to that. 
 
 Phys. Why so, my gracious lady ? 
 The recollection of the veriest trifles. 
 When said or written by the good and brave, 
 Hath yet a charm in't. — Soft — what were the words ? 
 •»* " Dear Mother Goose, we march'd, drums beating, 
 colours flying, 
 '' In gay and gallant trim, danger and death defying, 
 ^' Scaring the wives and babes of our Canadian neigh- 
 bours ; 
 
 * For the original of this facetious dispatch, see the Journals 
 of the day. 
 
8 
 
 " And vict'ry's laurel wreath had nearly crown'd our 
 
 labours, 
 " When, a huge cloud of dust arising in the distance, 
 *' We thought the foe was near, and might intend 
 
 resistance ; 
 *' When sudden it occur'd to every gallant heart, 
 *^ That prudence and forethought were valour's bet- 
 ter part. 
 *' I thought they might be right ; and so, my dearest 
 
 mother, 
 " The troops ran off one way, and I rode off another* 
 *' Yet still I may conclude without so much of error, 
 *' Our bold inspiring looks must strike the foe with 
 
 terror ; 
 ^'- For though we saw no front of hostile army near, 
 " 'Tis not impossible, they saw our martial rear." 
 Then came, alas ! the story of his ailment. 
 
 Mot. J, Mock not his ashes ; for he meant all 
 
 gravely. — 
 Columbia's bravest soldier, art thou gone ? 
 Peace to thy shade ! 
 
 How fare our other heroes ? 
 What of brave Dearborn, Hull, and Wilkinson ? 
 Phys, All, like a flock of over-pastur'd sheep, 
 All, more or less, groan with the piercing throes 
 Of this portentous epidemic pest. 
 Mot, J, What of great Rogers ? hast thou heard 
 
 if him, 
 
Since, on that night, like Banquo's troubled ghost, 
 With lank and dolorous face he burst upon us, 
 And with his tidings yet more dolorous, struck 
 A tertian ague to our inmost bones ? 
 
 Phys» He said his duty call'd him back to port 
 That very night. Ha ! here's his first lieutenant ; 
 What can his errand be ? 
 
 Enter Officer. 
 
 Offi, Most skilful leech. 
 Come quickly, or the Commodore is lost. 
 Horses await us at the door this instant. 
 
 Ph7/s* They must wait longer, then. But how is 
 this ? 
 Hatli that same army-sickness seiz'd him too ? 
 
 Offi. Stark mad as fifty thousand hares in March. 
 
 Mot, «7. Five evenings since, he talk'd collectedly ; 
 I'm certain of it; for he brought the news. 
 
 Offi* 'Tis five-and- twenty days, believe me. Sir, 
 Since first a wild and wayward humour seiz'd him 
 Most unaccountably. 
 
 Phys, Thou seem'st exact. 
 
 Offi, 'Twas on that very morn, I recollect. 
 We spoke a Gallic schooner with white colours. 
 Which told the news thou speak'st of. We thereat 
 Tack'd, and made homewards with all press of sail, 
 The wind being east by — 
 
 Phys, May be so. — The symptoms ? 
 
10 
 
 Offi* Sometimes a sudden fit of aguish trembling. 
 Phys, 'Ssiyi nay, *tis easy to account for that. 
 The east's a bitter wind. 
 
 Offi. 'Twas not that, either ; 
 For ever when it most intensely blew. 
 The shivering seem'd to leave him. 
 
 Pht/s. 'Tis most strange. 
 Didst thou remark his eye ? 
 
 OJi, 'Twas then most restless, 
 When any unknown vessel hove in view ; 
 And never seem'd to wear a kind expression, 
 Save when it lighted on the iron chest 
 That held his prize-money ; and then, indeed^ 
 It soften'd into wistful tenderness. 
 Phys, What of his temper ? 
 
 OJji, Sullen and morose \ 
 Twice he endanger'd all our precious lives 
 Out of sheer obstinacy ; for the wind 
 Blew hurricanes ; yet spite of all entreaties. 
 Top and top-gallant set, he posted on. 
 Cursing each hour that kept him out of port. 
 Phys, How got you there alive ? 
 
 Offi. One blessed word. 
 Quite accidental, was the saving of us. 
 Mot, J* Ay; that's remarkable. 
 
 Offi. Thus it was. Madam, 
 Just at a dangerous moment, when the waves 
 RoU'd mountain-high, I thus address'd him, " Sir, 
 
11 
 
 For Heav'n's sake shorten sail ; a cat could scarce 
 
 Keep a firm footing on the quarter-deck." 
 
 He turn'd upon his heel, and mutter'd somewhat 
 
 Of cat*o'nine-tails ; I then rather stung, 
 
 On ray own score, and that of my allusion. 
 
 Repeated louder, '' Mr. Commodore, 
 
 Must we take down the royals^ Sir, or drown ?" 
 
 Quick as I spoke, he gave a sudden bounce. 
 
 Like an o'er-loaded gun ; " The royals ? curse 'em ! 
 
 Ay, down with them, and ev'ry thing that's royal ; 
 
 I'll be oblig'd to no such sails for safety. 
 
 Down with them to the lowest pit ;" he stamped. 
 
 And walk'd off growling. 
 
 Phys. Hum — that's rather mad. 
 But things like this may oftentimes arise 
 From mere ill-humour. Didst thou mark his face ? 
 
 Ojffi, I did ; and thereby. Doctor, hangs a tale. 
 We caught a swinging shark some two hours after, 
 And haul'd him up on deck. Hadst thou but seen 
 The wild stare of his goggling saucer-eyes, 
 As gasping, up he came, flound'ring and jerking, 
 And gnawing at the hook that held him tight, 
 In all the impotence of angry terror, 
 Thou might'st have — {whispers) 
 
 Phys, Ha, ha, ha ! for shame, Lieutenant* 
 
 Offi, Mum ; this between ourselves. 
 
 Phys, Well, but what proof 
 Bring you of actual madness ? 
 
 Ojffi, You shall hear. 
 
12 
 
 Two days ago, on his return to port, 
 He gave a dinner at the Cat and Fiddle. 
 Civil he seem'd, but absent and reserv'd ; 
 Said little, but drank much ; and still his looks 
 Were fix'd upon a chart of England's coast, 
 That hung upon the wall. 
 
 Phys, In a brown study, 
 Perhaps. 
 
 Offi, Why — deeper ; you may say a black one. 
 Well, we but thought him much bemus'd in drink. 
 And this pass'd off, until his reverie 
 Was broken by Doll Quelch the orange-woman, 
 A round and waddling dame, who enter'd, bearing 
 A heavy-laden basket of her wares. 
 He, with a flighty wildness in his eye, 
 Upstarted fierce : — '' Thou insolent fat beldam ! 
 Hast thou brought hither, to insult my eyes, 
 Thy Orange-Boven goods, and Dutch-built shape ? 
 I'll kick thy English leaven in a trice, 
 Out of thy nether end, — take that — and that." — 
 She, squalling, tumbled right across the table. 
 Paunch, oranges and all ; dire was the crash 
 Of glasses, and the din of oaths and screams 
 From puissant Rogers, and from injur'd Quelch. 
 
 We rose in haste 
 
 Phys. To guard the fairer sex ? 
 
 Offi, Pho! no: they're born to't ; your true- 
 blooded Yankee 
 
13 
 
 Stands not on ceremony. 'Twas, in truth, : 
 To save our dear old friend, the China punch-bowl, 
 For eighty y^ars an heir-loom of the house. 
 He, by this time stark-raving, bellow'd fortl), 
 " My trusty Triton-train, why are ye troubled ? 
 " Follow, my fishy fry of fighting fellows, 
 " My faithful finny friends and favourites ; 
 " Follow the potent Neptune ! for I go, 
 '' Wielding my weight of whelming waters — thus !— 
 " To roll them o'er those vaunting islanders, 
 " And sink their land a thousand fathom deep.'' 
 With that, a mighty jug of whisky-flip 
 He seiz'd, and dash'd it o'er that cursed chart. 
 The source of all the mischief; then, elated 
 As with his conquest, yet more loudly roar'd, 
 '* Triumph, my Tritons bold ! sound all your shells 
 '' And spout your whizzing waters to the moon, 
 '^ Like drunken whales at Greenland jubilee. 
 ^^ Now, by the godhead of my nephew Mars, 
 ''• Who rules in human shape at Elba's isle, 
 " We'll have a trident-tournament ! but first, 
 '' Tear off those mortal vile habiliments 
 " Call'd inexpressibles, which, envious, veil 
 " The scaly badges of your race celestial ; 
 '^ And shew yourselves for sea-gods, as you are, 
 *' Each with his large and comely fish's tail. 
 " What, none begin ? I'll set th' example then." 
 And so, indeed, he did ; or would have done't^ 
 
 c 
 
14 
 
 But that we all, in common decency, 
 
 Seiz'd on him half unbreech'd, and by main force 
 
 Convey'd him, madly bellowing, to his birth. 
 
 Phys. What method took you then to quiet him ? 
 Offi, We brought him that strong money-box I 
 
 mention'd. 
 Phys, Well thought of: that's as sure a remedy, 
 When tried upon a true American, 
 As nuts or pippins to a crying child, 
 ril warrant that it answered. 
 
 Offi, Perfectly. 
 It lur'd him from the clouds, and changed his godship 
 To Captain Rogers, of the President. 
 'Tis true, at first he grappled it unto him 
 Like growling cat, that guards a fresh-caught mouse : 
 But when he found that all was well secur'd, 
 A childish flood of tears relieved him soon, 
 And brought on sleep. 
 
 Phys, That's well ; he'll soon recover. 
 Is his sleep sound ? 
 
 Offi, No ; — sometimes 'tis disturb'd 
 By liis old trembling fit, accompanied 
 With starts and exclamations, and cold sweats. 
 Phys. What might those exclamations be ? 
 
 Offi. I'll think- 
 Twice or thrice times, methought, I caught the sounds 
 Of Shannon^ and of Broke. 
 
 Phys. The Shannon brook ? 
 
15 
 
 Poor soul ! Ay, lunatics will sometimes babble 
 Of brooks and purling streams ; and, as I think, 
 There somewhere is a river call'd the Shannon. 
 What could he mean besides ? 
 
 Offi. Why— 'tis no matter. 
 But to my business. I am come post-haste 
 To answer his arrest to Mother Goose. 
 This done, I beg you to return with me. 
 And try your skill on him. 
 
 Pht/s, She's ten times worse. 
 Hush, hush, no exclamations : here she comes. 
 Now stand aside, and judge if I can leave 
 The good old grandam in this piteous case. 
 
 ^ Enter Mother Goose, iw her Night-dress, with a 
 
 Paper, 
 Lo, here she comes ; this is her very guise ; 
 And fast asleep, upon my life ; stand close, 
 Observe her; hush. 
 
 Mot. «/. How came she by the Times f 
 Phys. Why, it stood by her; such was her command. 
 Mot, J, Her eyes are open. 
 
 Pht/s, But their sense is shut. 
 Mot, J, What is't she does now ? Look, she rubs 
 her hands. 
 
 * See Macbetht Act 5 — Scene 1.— Enter Lady Macbeth, with 
 a taper, &c. 
 
 c2 
 
 m^ 
 
16 
 
 Phi/s, 'Tis her accustomed acfion, ever since 
 Great Hopkins died. 
 
 Mot. J, Why is her nostril curl'd 
 In such disgust ? 
 
 Phys, Impossible to guess. 
 Mother Goose, Out, damned spot! out, I say!-— 
 One — two — ten thousand — train of artillery — Prevost 
 —Hill— Why, then, 'tis time to do't. 
 
 Mot, J, Ha! just the words of our last conversa- 
 tion {aside), 
 OJfi, (whispers) What damned spot does the poor 
 
 lady mean ? 
 Phys. Old England. 'Twas her wonted way to 
 call it 
 A damned spot on the fair face of ocean. 
 Offi, What would she do ? 
 
 Phys, Why, cringe to that same England, 
 Follow the wise example of her betters, 
 And send in her adhesion. 
 
 Mot, J, Hush, here's more. 
 Mot. G, Guard-rooms and black holes are murky? 
 — Fye, my Hopkins, fye! a soldier, and afraid of 
 court-martials ? What need you fear who knows it ? 
 none shall call you to account. Yet who would have 
 thought the Canadians to have had so much English 
 blood in them ? 
 
 Phys. Do you mark that ? 
 
 Mot, J, Alas! there's truth in ito 
 
17 
 
 Mot, G. Jeff and James had good names — Where 
 are they now ? What, will this bad news never have 
 done ? No more of that, my Hopkins, no more of that ; 
 you've spilt your peach-brandy with this starting. 
 
 Mot» «7. Go to, go to; i/ou've spilt the nation's 
 blood . 
 
 Mot. G. Here's the smell of death in the room, — 
 a deadly ill smell. — All the perfumes of Arabia will 
 not sweeten * this one poor General. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Phys, What a grunt's there ! The heart is sorely 
 charg'd. 
 
 Mot, J. I would not have abus'd her charge so sorely 
 As she has done, for all the dignities 
 Of the whole body of our mighty Congress. 
 
 Phys, Well, well, well, well. 
 
 Mot. J. Pray God she get safe off, sir. 
 
 Mot. G, Wash your face, Hull ; put on your re- 
 gimentals, look not so pale. I tell you again, the 
 dead are buried ; they cannot come out of their graves 
 to call their General a poltroon. 
 
 Mot. J. Even so ? 
 
 Phys. Yes, there's reasoning in't, you see. 
 She names the dead alone : for all the rest, 
 Who either ran away, orroar'd for quarter. 
 Will hardly call him so, from fellow-feeling. 
 
 * Meaning metaphorically, to sweeten his fame. ** Apa^ 
 aUam interpretationem,** as the Dutch coHimentators say. 
 
 .c3 
 
18 
 
 Mot. G, To the coal-hole, to the coal-hole ; there's 
 cannon to the northward — hark ! — Come, come, come, 
 give me your hand ; what's done, cannot be undone. 
 To the coal-hole, to the coal-hole — coal-hole — coal- 
 hole. [Exit. 
 
 Mot, J, Foul whisperings are abroad. The Fe- 
 deralists 
 Do breed unusual troubles : beggar*d merchants 
 Do the deaf Government discharge their secrets. 
 More needeth she good news, than a physician. 
 Bull, Bull, forgive us all ! Look after her. 
 Remove from her the French and English Papers, 
 And still keep eyes upon her. So, good night. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 Baltimore. Front of the Family Mansion of 
 the Patterson's. 
 
 Night, Enter King Jerome in the Disguise of a 
 Battad'Singer^ with a Hurdy^Gurdy^ and tattered 
 Blue Trowsers, 
 
 SERENADE.— Air, *' The Cabin Boi/,'' in Mother Goose, 
 King Jerome. 
 
 I learnM to row, to reef, and steer. 
 
 On board a coasting hoy; 
 And thus commenc'd my high career. 
 
 An auLward cabin-bo3\ 
 
19 
 
 Promoted to a Queen and throne, 
 
 I j ump'd for very joy. 
 And left at Baltimore to moan. 
 
 My wedded wife and boy. 
 
 But ah ! that Crown is now no more ; 
 
 Fm out of all employ ; 
 I am but what I was before, 
 
 A dirty cabin-boy. 
 
 (Miss Patterson looks out of the garret^ 
 window in her night-cap. 
 
 Miss Patt. What vagabond art thou ? what bray- 
 ing drone, 
 That thus with dissonant untoward notes, 
 Like clattering clangour of crack'd warming-pan, 
 Scar'st sober souls out of their sev'n sweet senses ? 
 
 Jer. " It is my lady. Oh ! it is my love ! 
 Her voice was ever sweet and musical, 
 An excellent gift in woman." 
 
 Miss Patt. What's thy business ? 
 Jer, Not anger's self can mar those silver tones. 
 Miss Patt. Speak, mumper! or black Mungo*s 
 ready cane 
 Shall chase thee howling hence. 
 
 Jer. An exiPd King. 
 Miss Pat. King of what place, thou naughty lying 
 varlet ? 
 King of the beggars, or the gypsies, sirrah ? 
 
go 
 
 Jer, (aside,) Oh ! would I had been either! then, 
 at least, 
 I might have died a prince. — She knows me not. 
 (to Miss Patt,) " Then farewell, my disguise and 
 
 my misfortunes." 
 My Patty ! 
 
 Miss Patt, Gods ! 'tis perjurM Jerry Sneak ! 
 What brought thee here^ thou base white-liver'd 
 
 noodle ? 
 What ! have thy subjects caught thee robbing hen- 
 roosts, 
 And doom'd their King to dance at the cart's tail. 
 Beyond his frontiers ? 'Would I'd been the beadle ! 
 Jer, (aside,) Best to keep silence, '^till the storm 
 
 blows over. 
 Miss Patt. And where's thy cut-throat brother ? 
 has the rope 
 Giv'n him his fair and just deserts, forsooth ? 
 What of thy Queen ? has she turn'd tramper too ? 
 Her royal shoulders would become a pack 
 Quite to perfection. O pray shew her to me, 
 I fain would view my beauteous rival — — rot her ! 
 Jer, (aside.) These Transatlantics have most vi- 
 gorous tongues ; 
 Yes, 'tis the land of freedom, with a vengeance* 
 But patience, Jerome. 
 
 Miss Patt, Speak! dost think I'll eat thee ? 
 Jer, Relent, my injur'd dear ; my Yankee beauty ? 
 
21 
 
 Lo^ Jerry Sneak returns to love and duty. 
 But if thy Sire's relentless doors are barr'd, 
 Chuck me out sixpence, or His very hard. 
 Miss Patt, *• I chuck thee sixpence ? I will see 
 
 thee d d first." 
 
 Brute ! that could*st dub thy lawful child a bastard 5 
 Scoundrel impostor ! miserable dastard ! 
 
 Get to thy parish ! 
 (She shuts the window with 'vehemence* 
 
 Air — King Jerome. 
 
 '* take me to your arms, my love.'*'' — ^Braham. 
 
 O taTce me to your arms, my love. 
 
 For I've no where else to go. 
 I'm retnrn'd from war's alarms, my love. 
 
 As bare as brother Joe. 
 I've lost my throne ; my honour's blown ; 
 
 My Queen has jilted me: 
 So I've nought to do, but spunge on you. 
 
 Or go again to sea. 
 
 \_Exit in a hurry ^^ whipt out by Miss Pat' 
 terson's black servant^ who enters in his 
 shirt with a lanthorn. 
 
2S 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 The House of Congress, The Federalists re- 
 solved into a disorderly Committee. Repub- 
 licans standing apart, with marks of Shame 
 and Confusion, 
 
 ^ Enter to them, Randolpho and Adamo. 
 
 Ad. The English power is near, led on by Hill, 
 And tough Prevost ; and with them the Canadians. 
 Revenges burn in them ; for their dear houses 
 Burnt to the ground, their infants turn'd adrift, 
 And all those mean and beastly outrages, 
 Our troops were guilty of whene'er they dar'd, 
 Would to the bleeding ^nd the grim alarm, 
 Excite the mortified man. 
 
 Ad. Near Lake Ontario, 
 A courier saw them ; that way are they coming. 
 
 Republican Member (trembling). Who knows if 
 Wellington be with his brother ? 
 
 Ad. For certain, sir, he is not. I have a file 
 Of all the Captains ; there are troops from Spain, 
 And many unrough youths, that do not now 
 Protest their first of manhood. 
 
 Ran. What does Goose ? 
 
 ♦ See Act 5— Scene 2, in Macbeth. 
 
23 
 
 Fed, Mem, Her private house she strongly fortifies ; 
 JeiF says, she's mad ; but others who less like her 
 Do call it fear and dotage. 
 
 Ran, Now she feels 
 Her Gallic friendships sticking on her hands. 
 Now starving corn-factors upbraid her folly ; 
 Now does she see her friend Napoleon's title 
 Hang loose upon him, like a giant's robe 
 Upon a dwarfish thief. 
 
 Fed, Who then shall blame 
 Her pester'd senses to recoil and start. 
 When all her fav'rite chiefs her choice condemn, 
 By their own cowardice or folly ? 
 
 R^n, Well, 
 Let's make submission where 'tis truly ow*d. 
 Meet we the medecin of Europe's weal, 
 The great, the generous Czar ; let^s sue to him, 
 And beg his mediation in our cause. 
 
 Enter Mother Jeff, 
 
 Mot, J. Most potent, grave, and reverend senators, 
 ChargM with a melancholy suit I come 
 From my dear friend and colleague, Mother Goose. 
 
 Fed, Enough of melancholy, ay, and mischief 
 She's caus'd already. 
 
 24 Fed, Is't another bill. 
 To grant our corn a longer term of leisure 
 To rot upon the stalk, and leave of absence 
 
24 
 
 To our remaining commerce ? 
 
 Mot, J. Out, alas ? 
 Would she were " compos" of such vigorous mea- 
 sures ! 
 1st Fed, What, then, she feels a wish to abdicate 
 In imitation of her mighty tutor ? 
 
 ^d Fed. And prays that thou mayst be her successor ? 
 No, no ; manoeuvring now has had it's day. 
 
 Mot, J, Hear me. I fear she must be forc'd to d( 
 so 
 
 Without conditions, for 
 
 All the Federalists, Huzza ! huzza ! 
 Long live the good Randolpho and Adamo ! 
 
 1st Fed. She sent thee, then, to ask some isle like 
 Elba, 
 Where she, in tranquil philosophic mood, 
 May war and empire's burdening cares forget 
 And try experiments in hatching duck-eggs ? 
 All the Fed, She has our full permission. 
 
 Mot. J, Hear me, sirs ; 
 Qd Fed, I move the House to grant encouragement 
 To her wise plan, and from the public fund 
 Vote her ten dozen pair of feather breeches. 
 Your approbation, gentlemen. 
 
 All the Fed, We give it. 
 Han. Silence ; let Mother Jeff obtain an audience. 
 Mot, J, O sirs ! my tale is brief, but most heart- 
 sinking. 
 
25 
 
 The nurse of heroes*, the delight of those 
 Who humbled the proud tyrants of the world, 
 And freed their galley-slaves ; — Goose is gone mad ! 
 
 1st Fed. Mad ? that's no news; her schemes have 
 prov'd her so 
 These six months past. 
 
 Mot. J. A lucid interval 
 Has just succeeded to five days of frenzy, 
 And nought will serve her now, but your kind leave 
 To enter, and in pity-moving strains. 
 Girt with a pageant of her own devising. 
 To make a solemn recantation act. 
 
 (The Republican members whisper among 
 each other. 
 My task is done, and all that now remains 
 Is to lament. Oh ^* Atlantean shoulders," 
 How are ye shrunk, though equal once to bear 
 '' The weight of mightiest monarchies !" 
 
 1st Fed, Republics, 
 You meant, as I presume. 
 
 1^^ Rep. She has done well 
 To fit her terms to present exigencies. 
 And who art thou, that wouldst correct those terms r 
 
 ht Fed. A true American, that love ray country. 
 
 Rep. Thou wer't not quite so stout, 'ere that the 
 English 
 
 * See Cato. 
 
26 
 
 Assura'd this threat'ning attitude. 
 
 1st Fed. I own it. 
 In the same spirit did I wish for peace. 
 While peace to us was honourable, as now 
 I would not purchase it by base concessions. 
 Such pliant policy I leave to thee. 
 And to thy Jacobin tidhesion-mongers, 
 Here and elsewhere. 
 
 1^^ Rep. Ho ! treason ! scalp him ! scalp 
 him ! 
 1st Fed. First take thou that, thou paltry turncoat 
 thief! (Federalist knocks Mm down. 
 
 Ran. Shame, shame upon you ! — Thou'rt least to 
 blame. 
 Yet just revenge may sometimes chance to err 
 'Gainst due decorum. Let him rise ; enough. 
 Now silence ! let us hear this poor craz'd creature. 
 Inform her she may enter, Mother Jeff'. 
 
 \Exit Mother Jeff, 
 (The Republican members come forward in 
 conversation^ whispering apart from the 
 Federalists, 
 ^d R^p. Are we agreed ? 
 
 All. Agreed. 
 
 2d Rep. Be ready then. 
 This sudden unexpected recantation 
 Leaves us without a head ; and therefore, Sirs, 
 In imitation of our foreign friends, 
 
27 
 
 Let us act strongly on the stronger side, 
 And strike a vigorous blow, 'ere 'tis too late 
 To make a merit oft. This master-stroke 
 Perhaps may turn the tables in our favour, 
 And give our party all the loaves and fishes. 
 
 1st Rep, Fortune, take what thou wilt; but make 
 it mine 
 To oust that mutton-fisted brute who fell'd me. (aside. 
 ** If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well 
 Were it done quickly." 
 
 2d Rep. Strike then at my signal. 
 And let her not escape unscalp'd. She comes. 
 
 Enter Mother Goose in deep Mourning, her Train 
 supported hy four Generals with their Coats turned. 
 Four others tarred and feathered, in imitation of 
 Ganders, bearing a Symbol of the Golden Egg of 
 Commerce, addled. Musick playing the Rogue^s 
 March. 
 
 Alr,'-'Goosey Goosey Gander, where will you wander.'^ 
 
 Mother Goose. 
 
 Goosey goosey gander I 
 Did my wits wander ? 
 Why did 1 cackle so 
 In the Congress Chamber? 
 
 d2 
 
29 
 
 Federalists. 
 
 Thou old pig-headed beldam. 
 
 Betake thee to thy prayers. 
 For we'll take thee by the left leg^ 
 We'll take thee by the right leg. 
 We'll take thee by the both legs. 
 
 And throw thee down stairs. 
 
 Mother Goose. 
 
 Goosey goosey gander ! 
 I laugh'd at right and candour j 
 I sold myself to Nap for pelf. 
 And turn'd Ambition's pandar. 
 
 Federalists. 
 
 Where's now thy Nap ? 
 In BJucher's trap; 
 
 And Hetmann Platoff swears 
 He'll slit his ears and nose, dame, 
 And dress him in old clothes, dame^ 
 To fright away the crows, dame : 
 
 This comes of boasting airs ! 
 
 Hence with thy ganders, 
 
 Nicknam'd commanders j 
 
 Thou shouldst have kept them safe at home. 
 
 And kept thy tongue from slanders. 
 
 Hence ! make in full 
 
 To honest Bull 
 Submission, suit, and prayers, 
 Or we'll take thee, &c. &c» 
 
29 
 
 Mother" Goose. 
 Goosey goosey gander ! 
 Adhesion I must tender. 
 Or Bull, I fear, will soon be here. 
 And drive me to surrender. 
 
 Republicans, 
 
 Long before that. 
 
 Thou curst old cat. 
 We'll end thy mortal cares ! 
 
 Come, draw your scalping knives, boys. 
 And let out her nine lives, boys. 
 Before John Bull arrives, boys; 
 
 Mother Goose, 
 Oh, spare my hoary hairs ! 
 
 Republicans (brandishing their weapons). Kill, 
 brain her, scalp her ! 
 
 Mot. G, O good gentlemen, 
 rU send in no adhesion, then. 
 
 1st Rep. We may; 
 But thou shalt never be the bearer of it. 
 We'll send thee first unto a fitter place 
 To spit thy spite in, and, with tutor Nap, 
 Frame Anti-British systems at thy leisure 
 Against the peace and commerce of the world, 
 1^^ Fed. Hey, hey! the devil can speak truth at 
 last. 
 
30 
 
 Mot. G» Help, Opposition ? 
 
 Federalists, Nay, 'tis not for ns 
 To interfere in family disputes. 
 Fight them out, Jacobins, among yourselves. 
 Mot. G. Speak for me, Jeff! dear Jeff! 
 
 Mot. J. I've said already 
 All I agreed to say, my dearest Goose, 
 Farewell, then, and the devil take the hindmost. 
 
 (runs out. 
 
 Mot. G. " And thou, too, Brutus ?" Then fall, 
 
 Mother Goose ! (thet/ seize her. 
 
 Han. Nay, then, 'tis time to speak. Hold, on 
 
 your lives ! 
 
 Who strikes, provokes the British Lion's wrath. 
 
 (the?/ drop their knives. 
 What, have I cow'd you with the word ? Shame on 
 
 you! 
 I better read your secret motives, sirs, 
 Than you the temper of that kingly beast. 
 Whose rage would thus be rous'd, not deprecated. 
 Home to your kennels, curs, with wolfish face 
 And lamb-like valour ! Now, upon my soul, 
 I blush to call you— no ! — not countrymen 
 Of Washington and Franklin : — your own watch- 
 word 
 Denominates you best : — " true-blooded Yankees." 
 Out with you ! (The?/ sneak off in confusion. 
 
 Sansculotian Liberty, 
 
Now grown a bed-rid and a palsied crone j 
 
 Hath left in France behind her, all her valour 
 
 And manly enterprize ; and crossed the sea 
 
 To linger out her dotage in the arms 
 
 Of these her duteous sons. No more of them. 
 
 Rise, Mother Goose ; I bury my resentment 
 
 In pity and contempt. Those measures ta'en^ 
 
 Which our necessities so strongly call for. 
 
 We'll find thee out some pleasant safe retreat 
 
 Where thou may'st linger out thy dotage too. 
 
 Or, if affection should with thee prevail 
 
 Over the love of ease, to Elba's isle 
 
 We'll give thee convoy ; where among those Savants 
 
 That grace thy favourite's presence, thou mayst 
 
 shine 
 As court-professor of philosophy 
 Moral, political, and economic. 
 
 Mot, G. Thanks, good Randolpho; thanks, my 
 
 noble son. 
 — No — thou'rt not mine — And yet I once had one. 
 
 And was he not a brave and gallant youth ? 
 — What dost thou stare at. Randy ? speak the truth. 
 — He died — no need to tell thee how : 
 
 I read it on thy sneering brow ; 
 
 And may ere long in doggrel rhyme 
 
 Read my poor Hopkins' curse and crime. 
 — I wander. Randy ; for my soul 
 
 Runs fast to Idiotcy's goal. 
 
SB 
 
 I wander, son ! T can't but dream 
 My brains are made of curds and cream. 
 Ad. (td Man.) Poor soul! her lucid interval is 
 gone : 
 That cruel fright has been too much for her. 
 What shall we do ? 
 
 Hand, E'en let her vent the Hi. 
 Mot, G, Heigh ho ! a mountain's weight of cares 
 and fears 
 Seems lifted from my back. — Then why these tears ? 
 I'm wond'rous happy ; — yet an odd sensation 
 
 (sneezes. 
 Informs me I have lost some near relation. 
 — Tell me, Randolpho, who is lately dead ? 
 Methinks my doctor told me~Oh my head ! 
 Gadso ! it hums and whizzes like a mill : 
 Here, feel it ; it goes diddle, diddle, still. 
 'Twould clear my brains, had I but leave to sing. 
 J^an. Oh ! by all means. 
 
 Ad, Hear ! hear ! 
 
 Federalists, — ^A ring ! a. ring! 
 Mot, G, Come, Goose; in softest notes of dying 
 swan. 
 Proclaim thy senses reft, thy office gone. 
 
 Ad, See, see, Randolpho, how her eyes light up 
 As with some happy vision ! 
 
 Ean. Hush ; she sings. 
 
33 
 
 SOl^G. ""Mother Goose, 
 
 '* Air.'— Jemmy jemmy linkumfeedle* 
 
 Inkle and Yarico. 
 
 Now my Presidency's done. 
 
 Sing Ninny ninny nincom noodle j 
 I am free to cut and run j 
 
 Jemmy jemmy yankee-doodle. 
 I'll be off to Elba's isle, 
 Convoy'd in a gallant style. 
 There to meet my hero's smile ; 
 
 Sing happy Nappy dapper doodle. 
 
 I've a gift will fit his lip. 
 
 Ninny ninny nurascuU noddy, 
 Captur'd in an English ship. 
 
 'Twill hold wine, punch, or toddy. 
 If the donor told me truth, 
 It grac'd of yore the liquorish tooth 
 Of a high-born British youth. 
 
 Sing gilt scull and cross bones bloody. 
 
 From this we'll sip gun-powder tea. 
 
 Sing sippy sippy cat-lap coddle: 
 With all Valhalla's Runic glee. 
 
 Sing hairy stary scalp 'em noddle. 
 Lights of patent spermacete 
 Made of dead men's hands and feet 
 Bright shall burn to grace the treat j 
 
 Sing blinky stinky twinkle'em twaddle. 
 
O'er our beverage button'd snng', 
 Singsippy sippy coze 'em coddle j 
 
 Srnig, Oh ! snug as bng in rug, 
 We'll lay together each his noddle. 
 
 New conscription codes we'll frame 
 
 'Gainst the stoats that kill the game; 
 
 Soon, I trow, 'twill make 'em tame j 
 Sing study study pose 'em poddle. 
 
 Trade, as usual, we'll oppose, 
 
 Sing diddle diddle dildram doodle. 
 
 Without the fear of English foes ; 
 Sing shaky quaky yankee-doodle. 
 
 Our Sovereign powers will bear us out 
 
 In whipping every pedlar lout 
 
 Who trots with Sheffield wares about ', 
 Sing tantarara flog'em foadle. 
 
 Eats that English sugar love, 
 
 Sing nibble nibble twitch-em tweedlej 
 Shall our valiant vengeance prove j 
 
 Sing fury fury firk 'em feedle. 
 We'll set rat-traps sharp and keen, 
 Temper'd ** a la guillotine j" 
 Soon not a rat will dare be seen: 
 
 Sing twiddle twiddle tweak'em twecdle. 
 
 In the summer, oh! how nice. 
 Sing glory glory kill'em tweedle ; 
 
 To man our pasteboard fleets with mice I 
 Sing fury fury fight 'em feedle.^ 
 
35 
 
 He, in the game of glory skill'd. 
 
 Shall make them fight, till all are kill'd: 
 
 Then I'll fresh flotillas build; 
 
 Sing twiddle diddle thread and needle. 
 
 Thus we'll spend the days and nights. 
 
 Sing silly silly system 5imple, 
 In little innocent delights: 
 
 Sing dilly dally diddle'em dimple. 
 To act on such a little stage 
 
 Will satisfy my noble rage: 
 For oh ! I feel the weight of age : 
 
 Sing caudle dawdle crutch and wimple. 
 
 Ran, Well sung^, and pertinently. Mother Goose. 
 And now adieu ; fix thy OAvn time and place, 
 And name thy favourite ship. 
 
 Mot» G. Let me consider — 
 Why, one of those two gallant privateers, 
 The Gouging Jacki/^ or the Scalping Toniy 
 I care not which. But tell me, Randy, son, 
 Who stands appointed as my Admiral ? 
 
 Ran, (whispers Ad,) What shall we do, Adamo ? 
 for the office 
 Would shame a Federalist, and well I know 
 There's no Republican will undertake it, 
 For fear of British fleets. 
 
 Ad, I have a man 
 Will suit us to a nicety. 
 
 Mot. G, Alas! 
 Wherefore this whisp'ring ? do ye meditate 
 
36 
 
 To aid the plots of those ungrateful sons 
 That would have flay'd and scalp'd their Grand- 
 mamma ? 
 A(L Take courage. Mother Goose, and trust our 
 
 honour. 
 Mot. G, Honour ? what's that ? 
 
 Ad. Oh — why — 'twould 
 take some time 
 T' explain it to thee : 'Tis a thing in use 
 Amongst us Federalists. Let this suffice ; 
 No harm is meant thee, and Westphalia's self, 
 Thy hero^^s brother, shall escort thee safe. 
 
 Mot. G. What, Jerry ? merry Jerry ? is he here ? 
 Ad. Yes ? he that serv'd as his High Admiral, 
 And Wardt^n of his stud of hobby horses, 
 *' Ships, colonies, and commerce. '' 
 (To Ran.) Thus it was: 
 'Twas but last night I collar'd a poor rogue. 
 Whose hand was in my pocket. He, all trembling, 
 Fell on his knees, remov'd a patch or two, 
 And shewM a well-known face which I remember'd 
 In better circles once at Baltimore. 
 
 Ran. And 'tis the same ? 'tis Jerome of Westpha- 
 lia ? 
 Ad. The same, believe me ; just the proper man 
 To take this office. 
 
 Ran. Let him have it then : — 
 But register the stores, that nought be stolen. 
 
37 
 
 3fot. G, But son! son Dolpho! wilt not thou csm 
 cort me ? 
 I do begin to love thee mugb, my son. 
 Rand, Good madam, I'm no seaman. 
 Mot, G. Yes, thou art. 
 
 Have they not fix*d on thee to hold the helm 
 Of state affairs ? — -Why now, I did so once— 
 But that's all over — over — past. Heigh-ho ! 
 ]\Jethinks I'm very sad. Oh! lead me home. 
 And bring me a giim-iicklei*. 
 
 Rand. Farewell, Goose. 
 
 Mot. G. My fit comes on me. — Goosey goosey 
 
 gander 
 
 My head begins to wander. 
 
 Rand, For mercy's sake assist her home, Adamo, 
 And give her what she wants. 
 
 Ad, Come Mother Goose. 
 
 Mot. G, Who's here ! , my Hopkins ? gash'd with 
 wounds ? but no : 
 
 • Thou had'st no wounds to shew. 
 
 Come to my arms^ my Hector ! let us greet: 
 
 Take refuge here, my sweet, 
 O mercy, mercy ! hark, yon distant drum ! 
 
 Hill and Prevost are come ! 
 Away, away ! O hide me from their wrath I 
 They'll make me into broth I 
 
 * A polite American term for a strooj; dranv 
 
38 
 
 Away, or Goose must glut their ravenous troops 
 With broils and giblet soups. 
 
 lEreunt Mother Goose and Adamo. 
 
 Rand, Well, get thee gone in peace. " If this be 
 madness. 
 There's method in it/' as the poet says, 
 Methinks she has been doting all her life. 
 And now is wise at last. 
 
 1st. Fed, Tis passing strange 
 
 That her delirium should be rational. 
 And what her friends call'd sense have been delirium. 
 
 Rand. O, had she better known the proper sphere 
 Of those abilities, which nature gave her. 
 And bent her genius to such light pursuits 
 As those she sung of, all had then been well. 
 But those edge tools with which she blindly sought 
 7'o clip the British Lion's awful beard. 
 And pare his talons, have, by one sharp stroke 
 Of his indignant tail, recoil'd on her, 
 Cut her own bungling firgers, and, 1 fear. 
 Cut short our commerce and our credit too. 
 But for her schemes, and those of beldam JefF, 
 This country might have been respectable, 
 3a fe, rich 
 
 2fid Fed And honourable too, Randolpho. 
 
 Rand, Young man, thy British notions lead thee 
 wrong, 
 Heard'st thou not Mother Goose ? art yet to learn 
 
39 
 
 That " honoiuv," iir Columbia's moral code. 
 
 Is held a o^ross and barbarous solecism 
 
 or feudal times, fit onl}' ibr the mouth 
 
 Of aristocracy ? No : this same honour 
 
 Is not, alas I of Transatlantic growth ; 
 
 *Tis a fair golden fruit, most flourishing 
 
 When grafted from the parent English stock, 
 
 AVhich fjr a thousand years unshaken, still 
 
 By battling storms, doth cover injur'd nations 
 
 With its broad shade, and rear its verdant honours 
 
 With tenfold glory at the present day. 
 
 Ist Fed. Thy rough old stock doth well become the 
 graft. 
 
 Hand. Such ever was my care- 
 
 Ist Fed, Then oh^ Randolpho, 
 
 Procure some dozen shoots without delay. 
 And graft them on our puissant generals. 
 
 Rand, 'Tis vain, my friend ; they are poor aspen 
 saplings, 
 That quake with every ruder blast of war. 
 Besides, the thing itself 's not practicable. 
 Thou know'st the adage of the Quaker's steed. 
 Whom few knew how to catch, and whom, whea 
 
 caught, 
 None car'd for riding. 'Midst the stauncher tribe 
 Of true bred Yankees, poor neglected honour 
 Fares even thus ; and those who do possess it 
 Are star'd and scouted at. 
 
40 
 
 1st Fed, And, if alone 
 
 'Mongst two or three red hot republicans. 
 May think themselves well off to scape a scalping. 
 So when the monkey who had seen the world 
 Came home again, all scented, comb'd, and curl'd. 
 The hairy sylvans of his native wood 
 The monstrous mongrel with loud taunts pursued. 
 
 Hand, So if, (as natural historians say) 
 Some mettled steed should chance alone to stray, 
 jAll unsuspecting, o'er some boundless plain, 
 Where asses wild usurp the sylvan reign ; 
 Whole droves, with rage and jealousy possest. 
 With kicks and bites assault the stranger guest; 
 Each long-ear'd bully joins the unequal strife, 
 And scarce tlie generous beast escapes with life. 
 But truce to this ; and let us now essay 
 To heal this beldam's blunders as we may. 
 Let us then court our natural allies. 
 Revere their valour, and their friendship prize ; 
 And let Columbia hope for brighter times. 
 When truth, riglit, honour, words from happier climei. 
 Nor yet transplanted, shall be brought in use. 
 So^ gentks^ ends the tale of Mother Goose. 
 
 I 
 
TWO RUSSIAN SCENES 
 
 FROM REAL LIEE, 
 
 SCENE 1,— Road from Moscow. 
 Enter Roustan, booted and spurred^ 
 
 Air, — " A maiter T have.** 
 
 A master I have, and 1 am bis mair, 
 
 Galloping dreary dun. 
 We are running away as fast as we can>- 
 
 Galloping dreary dun. 
 With my gamboraily, none so gaily, 
 
 From Tchernitcheff, Tchitchagoff,, 
 
 Lest they should twitch us off. 
 
 Midst all the jeers and scoffs 
 
 Of all the other— offs— 
 By Mah'met, we're both andone ! 
 
 I saddled his steed, as fleet as the wind, 
 
 Galloping, &c. 
 He was off in a trice, without looking behind j; 
 
 Quoth I, ** >Ti8 high time to run, 
 
42 
 
 Here's the devil and all to pay, 
 Marmontj Macdonald, Ney, 
 
 Victor and JNlortier, 
 Scampering all away, apres sa Majeste," 
 
 Galloping dreary dun, 
 
 I fear all our trophies will do us no good, , 
 
 Galloping, &c. 
 Here we all are astray, like the babes in the wood. 
 
 Galloping, &c. 
 With my garaboraily, none so gaily, 
 
 Here's Yorck, Wrede, and Sacken 
 
 Will send us all packing ; 
 Platoff, Win:aingerode, all are upon the road, 
 
 Muscovite, Swede, and Hun. 
 
 Scene continued, — Enter three Marshals of the Empire, 
 
 Glee. Air,>-" IVe be Soldiers three." 
 
 We be Marshals three ; 
 
 (Misericorde, je vous en prie,) 
 Running away from the north countrie, 
 
 With the devil a drummer to follow. 
 " Charge 'em again, boys, charge 'em again ;*" 
 *' Pardounez-nous," reply our men, 
 
 " For the Emperor has no more heart than a hen^ 
 
 And we are beaten quite hollow." 
 
 * Words of the original Glee. 
 
43 
 
 Scene changes to a Cossack Tent, 
 
 jEw^er Miss Platoff. 
 
 Miss P. A comfortable prospect, by the mass. 
 For a young, rich, and — really — handsome lass. 
 To be like feudal lands, as oft I've read. 
 Bought by the tribute of a wild beast's head. 
 Doom'd to be crushed to death in the embrace 
 Of giant Tartar, with huge unwash'd face. 
 With beard as long as his own charger's tail^ 
 And coarse enough to weave a galley sail, 
 O monstrous I shocking ! 
 
 Yet why fret and mope. 
 And cry my brilliant eyes out ? Rather hope 
 This conqueror may turn out some charming creature j 
 For really I can find no cause in nature. 
 Why he must prove an ill r.ri^ip'd vulgar knave ; 
 Sure, handsome fellows may be also brave. 
 Methinks he comes, the dear enchanting guest. 
 One hand politely to his bosom prest. 
 The other bearing in a huge silk purse. 
 The- bless me, I am ashamed to seem so bloody- 
 minded ; in short. 
 What makes us one for belter or for worse ; 
 Then bows en militaire; and with his hat off, 
 Says, " See what Tve brought, for my sweet Miss Pla* 
 toff." 
 
44 
 
 SONG. 
 
 Air,—" Nobody coming to marry me," 
 
 Last night the dogs did bark ; 
 
 1 look'd from my tent to see, 
 And there was a bold whisker'd spark. 
 
 With the head of little N. B. 
 " Oj what have you caught, my love? 
 
 O, what do 1 view ?" 
 'Tis a sweet pretty bauble I've brought, my love. 
 
 As a wedding present for you/' 
 My father's a fighting old Tartar, 
 
 I'm a damsel so fair and so free ; 
 1 hold myself ready to barter 
 
 For the head of little N. B. 
 
 O what, &e^ 
 
THE FALL OF PARIS 
 
 SCENE l.—Thuilkries. 
 
 Vaudeville sung by a Poissarde under the window* 
 
 Air,—** He loves and he rides awayJ*^ 
 
 At the barrier gate was trundled in 
 
 An Emperor-King in a sack : 
 He kiss'd and he hugg'd his Empress-Queen^ 
 
 For joy to have got safe back. 
 His sword was bright, (for he dar'd not fight) 
 
 And he sung this merry lay : 
 " How jollily lives an imperial knight? 
 
 He brags and he runs away. 
 
 " I own I turn'd pale, and my valour did quail. 
 
 When the Cossacks came in view : 
 When the pikes advanced, and the sabres glanced, 
 
 I felt in a piteous stew. 
 Stand firm as a wall, my merry noen all ; 
 
 ril return and join the fray. 
 So I slipp'd aside, and away I hied, 
 
 And left them to slash away." 
 
46 
 
 ^The Empress heard with sore surprize 
 
 Her recreant knight thus sing ; 
 A flash of scorn burst forth from her eyes, 
 
 And she turn'd on her heel with a fling. 
 ** And didst thou plight thy honour bright, 
 
 Thy merry- n)cn to betray ? 
 Get out of my sight, thou loathly wight, 
 
 Thou dastardly runaway !" 
 
 Scene opens, and discovers ^^e King of^ome, asleep, 
 under a canopy supported by eagles, trophies, S^c, 
 Head Nurse and Attendants, 
 
 Air, — Head Nurse* " Hushahy baby on the tree top'* 
 
 Lullaby, King of Rome, 
 
 Sleep like a top ; 
 Dad says he's cottiing home, 
 
 Platoff' to stop. 
 But should the Hetman 
 
 Get first to our wall,. 
 Down tumbles baby, 
 
 Kingdom and all. 
 [King of Home violently disturbed in his sleeps 
 
 K, of R. Oh dear! oh dear! Papa has tumbled 
 from his hobby-horse, and broken his neck ! 
 
 Nurse. Prophetic visions daunt the royal boy- 
 Haste, sisters, haste, attune his soul to joy. 
 In dreams of gl'ory steep his every sense. 
 And sing the heavenly charms of eloquence. 
 
47 
 
 Triumphal Glee, By Nurse and Attendantu 
 
 Air, — " When Arthur Jirst at Court began 
 To wear long hanging sleeves," 
 
 When first the King of Rome began 
 
 To leave off hanging sleeves. 
 His girards of honour he reviewed, 
 
 And inoot of them were thieves. 
 
 Arm'd cap-a-pie, forth issued he, 
 
 To his window that faced the street* ; 
 
 And the curtain hid the leading strings, 
 That kept him on his feet. 
 
 " Shoulder your arms ?" the Serjeants cry : 
 
 Loud roU'd the signal-drums ; 
 And the hand struck up right gallantly, 
 
 " The conquering hero comes." 
 
 The captains all they louted low 
 
 Before the state balcony. 
 The royal babe for joy 'gan crow. 
 
 And chuck'd them diavoloni. 
 
 Largesse ! proclaim the heralds loud. 
 
 And shouts of joy forth break. 
 Then silence aw'd the listening crowdj 
 
 As the King essay'd to speak, 
 
 • See the account in the French journals^ of the review at ^bich tb# 
 
 King assisted. 
 
48 
 
 He laid his hand on his wooden sword, 
 
 And shook his silver rattle, 
 And he told them a story, of cock-horses, glory, 
 
 Buns, comfits, guns, trumpets, and battle. 
 
 " My pretty mama shall coax papa 
 
 To give me a new tin gun, 
 Then I'll go and surprize those naughty allies, 
 
 And shoot them every one." 
 
 *' Thou Mars of thy age V quoth each leaden sage, 
 
 And stood in mute amaze. 
 The people admir'd ; the cannon fir'd ; 
 
 And Paris seem'd in a blaze. 
 
 [King composed lo sleep. 
 
 SCENE 11,— TAe Court-yard of King Joseph's house. 
 Distant alarums, S^c, heard, 
 
 Enter King Joseph, trying to escape from the conver* 
 sation of his Valet, 
 
 VaL My duty, please your highness, bids me speak ; 
 And, soolh to say, this sudden strange departure 
 May give licentious scope to jeering tongues. 
 
 K, Jos, Long service, and that same plebeian gift 
 Which men call honesty, have giv'n, metbinks, 
 A marvellous scope to ihine. Go to. Sir V^alet, 
 And know thy duty better ; know, besides. 
 Firm as Olympus' base my purpose stands. 
 
49 
 
 Know better, too, my motives ; which t' impart 
 Were matchless condescension, and as such. 
 Should be receiv'd by thee in humblest silence. 
 Think'st thou, poor fool, that fear can weigh with us. 
 Sole conqueror of the mighty Wellington ? 
 'Tis that our dignity brooks ill the thought 
 To wait, and be, like kitchen-pilfering cur, 
 Kick'd ignominious hence ; nay, worse, perhaps. 
 Kick our own royal heels aloft in air. 
 Like pendant cut-throat ; for our soul forebodes 
 Such are the devilish schemes of Alexander. 
 Was it for this on red Vittoria*s plain 
 Tal. My liege, I 'was not there. 
 K, Jos. We know then wast not. 
 
 We left thee at Bayonne. But hadst thou seen. 
 How, on that day, with this dread single arm 
 We stemm'd the heady current of the fight, 
 And drove our thousands headlong to the sea, 
 Thou'dst better weigh'd those deep and potent motives, 
 W^hich actuate a hero's soul. Go then^ 
 And let our trusty vehicle await us 
 Within an hour. Select from all our stud 
 The fleetest steeds, and from our cellar-royal 
 Six bottles of the choicest Vin Barsac. 
 But mark me well. On thy allegiance, friend. 
 Bruit not our purpose to the simple mob. 
 Their well-meant zeal might else escort us hence 
 With tears and plaudits, and thereby distress us. 
 
m 
 
 Our kitDgly nToderation liketli not 
 These pageants of brief popularity. 
 
 Val. (aside) Say rather. Sire, our old Parisian |)«.* 
 geant 
 CallM " a la lanterne." O my .poor dear master! 
 Afraid to fight, yet half afraid to fly I 
 One effort more I'll make lo save his credit. 
 
 fro X.Jos.) My liege 
 
 JC. Jos. Sipeak boldly, man. I think thee honest. 
 FWf XJounts then ^our gracious Majesty for nought 
 
 Clur veteran garrison? brave, disciplined 
 
 K. Jos. Tut, tut^ the relics of the Moscow ,frost. 
 With half a nose apiece, and sonie with none, 
 Jlnd not one set of toes and fingers perfect. 
 
 Val. What of our thirty thousand lads of Paris, 
 A force as yet .unbroken.? 
 
 JH, Jos, Raw recruits. 
 
 FaL But even these raw recruits,. led to the charge 
 
 «By " that dread single arm," which at Vittoria- 
 
 K* Jqs, Beath! hell! and furies! dost thou mode 
 
 one, rascal ? 
 Wat Dread Sovereign, I but ventured to repeat 
 Your M^esly*s own wxirds. 
 
 K, Jos. Audacious traitor, 
 
 JL'il thrust them down thy throat. 
 
 (Draws, and while pursuing the Valet, meet^ 
 ike Cookfivho is coming in search of him* 
 My gentle cook ! 
 
'Tis ever thus. In anger or in sorrow^. 
 Thy shining kitchen-face, thy snow-white apro«V 
 And goodly bill of fare, hath still the power 
 To cheer these eyes> and to my clouded soul 
 Bring back the sun-shine of complacency. 
 
 Cook, An*t please your highness, shall I dress to-day 
 With sauce piquante, tliat quarter of house lamb 
 To match the turkey poults?' 
 
 K* Jos. (starting) 0h I woe is me V 
 
 Cook, Princesfs Zenaide is wont to love it thusi 
 K, Jos. Her plump and rosy looks bear testimony* 
 To thy indulgent care— — yet ■ oh my heart! 
 
 Cook, Your Majesty seems indispos'd at stomachi 
 If so, a quail, or some such lighter dish 
 Might better — — - 
 
 K. Jos, Turkey I, nor luscious quail^ 
 
 Sl>a]l eat on this sad morn. O; good my cook, 
 I go a sudden, but a long, long journey. ;' 
 
 Cook ! we must part : anil, at that mournful thought- 
 A gushing flood of tenderness unmans me. - • 
 
 For thou alone, my faithful humble friend, ». 
 
 Mast still to me been " kind and comfortable.*^ 
 No busy blustering, aid-du-camp art thou. 
 Clamorous for orders; no ill-omen'd courier, 
 Ealsying my courage with his long blank face. 
 And bugbear tales of Calmucks, Cossacks, Croats* 
 
 * See the intereepted letter of M, Raedersr*- 
 
m 
 
 Tlie cares of empire, and disastrous war. 
 
 Have fail'd as yet to crush my soul, upheld" 
 
 By thy sweet unobtrusive ministry, 
 
 Which constant still on each revolving day, 
 
 With balmy influence gave me second life. 
 
 And " screw'd my courage to the sticking place.** 
 
 I'here's gold for thee ;: be prudent. Thou may'st thrive* 
 
 A plump Restaurateur ; while L, alas-^ 
 
 But truce to tears. There is a time for all things.. 
 One favour more I ask. Bear to my chaise 
 That monument ofthy unrivall'd art. 
 The pye of Perigord : bear with it too 
 The ham of Westphaly. 
 
 Cook, The last of those 
 
 King Jerome sent unto your Majesty ? 
 *rhere*» but that left. 
 
 K, Jos.. The same. Now fare thee welL. 
 
 Yes, dear memorial of a brother's love. 
 An exird brother. I'll not leave thee here, 
 ]Bath*d in my parting tears, to be engulph'd 
 All unresisting, in some trooperrs maw ;. 
 Ko! ril obey the donor's will, and eat thee. 
 Though retrospection sad mar every slice. 
 Alas, poor Jerry ! Unsuspecting he 
 Corded that hamper with his royal hands,. 
 Thai bore thy luscious freight. In ten short hoars- 
 The spoiler came, and drove him trembling forth, 
 A^houselessexile^ as 1 soon must be. 
 
Well ; ^'some men royal honours do atchieve, 
 And some have royal honours thrust upon them,** , 
 But mine, alas I have nearly been thrust through me. 
 
 In shape of cold, cold iron. Wellington I* 
 
 Thou fiery spirit with the waving sword. 
 
 That drov'st me from my Paradise! thou fierce 
 
 And haunting night-mare of my every dream ! 
 
 Last night, metliought, forth with my valiant brother 
 
 Venturous I rode ; he as La Maocha's knight, 
 
 And I as Barataria's portly lord. 
 
 (Twas but a dreacr, yet there was-method in't) 
 
 He, all irascible, with lance in rest, 
 
 Attack'd a lofty windmill, which thereat 
 
 Nought mov'd, with vehement encountering sway^ 
 
 Whirl'd him ten thousand fathoms high in air, 
 
 Whilst I, unable to assist him, fledv- 
 
 Anon, a bright and tempting diadem 
 
 Was proffer'd to my view. I stole to grasp it— 
 
 My hand just clos*d upon the prrze — when lo I 
 
 I fell on my own neck the withering grasp 
 
 Of huge enchanted Moor — breathless I turn'd, 
 
 And knew thy visage, Wellington ! IsGream'd, 
 
 And wild with struggling agony awoke. 
 
 Nature could hold no longer. — Ominous dream, 
 
 What may'st thou purport ? Still raethinks I feel 
 
 That iron gauntlet thrilling to my soul. 
 
 And hide my bristling head beneath the pillow. 
 
 Curse on this hungry perilous trade of king-ship \ 
 
54-- 
 
 Air,—" had I been by fate decreed,''^ Love. in a Village? 
 
 had I been by fate decreed , 
 Some thriving British swain, 
 
 To shear my sheep, my hogs to feedj^ 
 Qu, Lincoln!s fenny plain ! 
 
 1 might have rear'd the fattest geese? 
 
 In all the country round, 
 Hiave eaten my mast beef in peac^ 
 And every night slept; sound,. 
 
 Jfy .only speeches* then h^ad been 
 
 At vestry to my neighbours. 
 Squabbles for game and privy tithe. 
 
 My only; warlike labours, 
 
 Sancho !' Tcan feel for thee^ 
 
 When Rizio's magic wand 
 Made each tit-bit successive quit: 
 
 Thy vainly eager hand* 
 
 For Wlsllington without a fee 
 
 Provided for my health ; 
 Each bit I eat^on my retreat 
 
 Was gobbled ^do WD by stealth,,. 
 
 When in my city of Madrid ' 
 
 At breakfast I was seated, 
 With butter'd rolls and chocolate^, 
 
 A.U..iUc^ly froth'd ,and heated^ , 
 
5^ 
 
 ^hat revel-rout of roaring blades 
 
 Rode dashing through the town, ^ 
 
 Ere I had time -to- cool my cup, 
 
 Or gulp one morsel dowa*»- 
 
 No ollas rich, no kid well fedy 
 
 Regal'd my hungry maw ;- 
 But mouldy ammunition bread, . 
 
 Chick pease,. and onions raw. 
 
 No Xeres wine, no sweetmeats fine-. 
 
 My drooping heart tO raise, 
 But Wyndham's leaden sugar plunos 
 
 Came whizzing through my chaisef . 
 
 No siesta was allow'd to me, 
 
 In Buen Retiro's bowers, 
 Tijey thought th^t wholesome exercise 
 
 Might brace my stomach's powers* 
 
 r would l*d acted On the pla» 
 
 Of Lucien, happy dog !" 
 The only man amongst our clan. 
 
 Who's sure of constant prog* 
 
 O were I near. his country seat,. 
 
 In Worcester's fertile vale, 
 He'd grant me now and then a treat 
 
 Of British beef and 'ale; 
 
 * A historical fact. See any journal 6f that tim«i 
 t-Captain Wyndham, of the dragoons. 
 
m 
 
 Sut hark ! I hear alarums near^ 
 
 Like a roUing thunderpeal. 
 Perhaps I may not live to eat 
 
 Another quiet meal. 
 
 [Cannonading at a disianee. 
 
 Ma! Fripon ! and with anxious-hurried Yace ! 
 
 They cannot, sure, have cut off my retreat—^ 
 
 And what's the town to me ? Down then in peacC;. 
 
 Thou refractory qualm ! Take courage, Joseph, 
 
 And wait the confirmation of thy hopes 
 
 With resolute voice and mien. [Grozcsfaler and paler ^ 
 
 Enter Aidcdu-Camp. 
 
 My vaHant Fripon^ 
 6ut with the worst at once. I'm steel'd to bear it>^> 
 And read it in thy visage. 
 
 Aid, Near at hand 
 
 There come twelve thousand 
 
 X. Jos, Gracious heav'n protect us ! 
 
 Twelve hundred thousand Cossacks near at hand ? 
 Then ue're surrounded, and i'm lost for ever. 
 
 Aid, What means my hege ? Said 1 twelve Awn- 
 
 dred thousand ? 
 K. Jos. r heard not what thou said'st ; my brain 
 turns round. 
 Thine arm awhile, good friend. O Fripon, Fripon, 
 Tliese are the pleasures and prerogatives 
 
57 
 
 That Majesty is heir to. I am sick, 
 
 Sick to the soul, of torturing suspense. 
 
 And cogitations too intensely strain'd 
 
 J?or this lovM city's safety and my own. (aside) 
 
 Aid, Cheer up, my^ liege, and listen to my tale. 
 Marmont, I said, Ragusa's valiant duke. 
 With full twelve thousand chosen men at arms, 
 Is just in sight;, this telescope descried them. 
 Down by the windmills of Montmartre, moves— 
 
 Jos, What I. do the windmills of Montmartre move? 
 Gods of the storm, are ye too leagued against us,. 
 Won by the treacherous powers of British gold ? 
 My dream is out at Iast,.and this explains it ! 
 
 Aid, (aside) A m^rrainrot thy tongue,, thou king of 
 dastards. 
 To mar that well-conn'd sentence ! — Soft-^where was I ? 
 (To Joseph j Moves their long-winding van > 
 
 Jos» The vans move too ? 
 
 TelLme no more. I've heard too much already! 
 Ev*n now methinks each angry windmill tow'rs 
 A hideous son of Anak ! In the blast 
 I hear them clash their whirling vans aloft. 
 All gauntletted with steel; while ^olus, 
 A meteor crested giant, sounds the charge. 
 horror ! horror ! (faints.) 
 
 Aid, Help! support the King ! 
 
 Odsfish ! his weight is more than l can bear. 
 (To Joseph^ Look up, thou injured majesty of Spain ; 
 Marmont the brave is near. 
 
58" 
 
 Jos, O lead him to me T 
 
 I'll creep beneath his friendiy gabardine, 
 Forget awhile the cares of domination. 
 And throw this fighting to the rascal^mob. 
 No — stay thee here awhile. 'Twas not well said (aside) 
 That burst of stidden joy betray'd roe shrewdly. 
 Brief be thy tale. How speeds the- noble Marmontt' 
 
 Aid, Close in his rear a cloud of Cossacks l>over. 
 Fore-runner of a vast unnumberM force 
 That throngs th* horizon* Plato ff*s fiery self 
 Is prancing on his mettled iron-grey. 
 As if the Khan of Tartary in arms 
 Dropt from the clouds amid'st our timid bourgeois^- 
 To scare their eyes with Calmouk horsemanship. 
 
 Jos. Confound his horsemanship L Where is the: 
 Emperor? 
 
 Aid, Conjecture's self is silent on his fate. 
 
 Jos, My qualms come on again. 
 
 Aid^ Perhaps a minding: 
 
 0f last night's botter'd lobsters> good my hege ; 
 Fm suffering for them too. 
 
 Jos* And so am I. 
 
 The ardent soul, immersM in cares and tumults. 
 Starves the poor body, turning generous food 
 Into a crude and undigested mass. 
 That, like a nightmare, clogs the vital-spirits. 
 Thanks for that hint ;. in sooth I am not well. 
 <^q,.l= would-be alone. Yet stay thee, EripoR|,, 
 
S9> 
 
 Thou hast a deep and manly voice, my friend, 
 That lends sonorous grace to martial matter. 
 Go read this proclamation to our guards ; 
 Tell them the Emperor is close at hand. 
 Pursuing fierce yon routed enemy ; 
 Tell them my valiant self, a tow*r of strength. 
 Am still among them ; bid tiiem bravely fight 
 A few short moments ; all will then be well. 
 
 lExit Aid-du-Camp. 
 Yes ; let them fight ; this master-stroke of forethought 
 May serve to aid my safe retreat awhile. 
 Kow to the covert of my friendly chaise, 
 
 [Going out, is stopped by the Governor^ 
 
 Glee and Chorus.— Marc^ of the Aid Regimentf 
 " 1/ic Campbells are comingy oh Tio, oh hoT 
 
 ■Gov, The Austrians are crossing at Meaux, at Meaiix, 
 The Austrians are crossing at Meaux. 
 Hark, their loud rub-a-dubbitig betokens a drubbing; 
 Be quick with your orders, king Joe. 
 
 Enter 9.vi^ Aid du Camp. 
 
 Aid, The Prussians are coming, King Joe, King Joe, 
 With Blucher, your brother's old foe. 
 
 Jot. The Emperor's not partial, I know, to the Marshal, 
 He makes but a word and a blow. 
 
 Enter frightened Citizens. 
 
 Cit» The Russians are coming, King Joe, King Joe, 
 To pay off old scores of Moscow j 
 
I 
 
 They'll burn without pity our beautiful city, 
 And smoke us like hornets. King Joe. 
 
 iKing bewildered and speechless. 
 
 Enter Poissardes. 
 Pois. The Cossacks are coming, oh woe ! oh woe ! 
 The Cossacks are coming, oh woe ! 
 They'll roast us a straddle betwixt horse and saddle ;- 
 Arm, arm and protect us. King Joe. 
 
 Enter Courier. 
 -Cour. The English are coming. Joe. {starts) Odso, odsol 
 Cour. Redbot with the grape of Bourdeaux : 
 
 Bull, sober or mellow, 's a desperate fellow, 
 He'll toss and he'll gore us. King Joe. 
 
 MU O stay and defend us. Joe. Oh no ! oh no! 
 My fixed resolution's to go. 
 I've no inclination to keep my high station, 
 And wait to be shot like a crow. 
 
 \_Exit, pursued by hisses and groans^ 
 
 A Romaunt, sung hy the Gov-ernor of Hamburgh. 
 
 Air, — " my harp alone.'* Rukeby. 
 
 Gov* My master is a connoisseur 
 At any bloody work ; 
 And I a cutthroat staunch and sure, 
 
 As Moor, Malay, or TurJc, 
 His foresight passeth all compare, 
 I dare not doubt. 
 
•But wish he had not placed me, where 
 I can't get out. 
 
 Great Satan, we, to humour thee. 
 
 Have burnt full many a church : 
 But, Satan dear, I've cause to fear, 
 
 Thou'st left us in the lurch. 
 My master's credit's grown but small, 
 
 His troops in rout, 
 J/(f cannot get within his walls ; 
 I can't get out. 
 
 Against me came, with ^oiii ofiiaiiie, 
 
 The Crown Prince Bernadotte, 
 And Sir Thomas the Graeme, of knightly fame, 
 
 With many a stalwart Scot. 
 1 hardly knew my foes from friends, 
 
 Though erst so stout ; 
 For my valour and wits at my finger's end&j 
 
 W^re ooziflg out. 
 " But courage !" quoth I : " my master's nigh, 
 
 And will be here ere long." 
 And I grew more bold; for though rough and old, 
 
 I saw that the walls were strong. 
 How then meantime to fill my skin 
 
 1 cast about ; 
 For corn no longer could get in, 
 Nor I get out. 
 
 Now the bourgeois is a reptile low, 
 
 For conqueror's uses born : 
 His proper calling is to grow, 
 
 And not to munch, his corn, 
 6 
 
Was it my duty to maintain 
 
 Each greedy lout ? 
 How then to act? The way was. plain. 
 
 Why^ turn 'em out ! 
 
 I sat like my master on a throne, 
 
 I copied his gracious smile ; 
 I made 'em a speech just like his own 
 
 In substance and in style. 
 Burghers ! prove worthy of your sires .; 
 
 Be bold and stout. 
 Your Emperor's destiny requires. 
 We should hold out. 
 
 Your Emperor's genius, all sublime. 
 
 Hath deem'd this measure best. 
 Six days I grant ye, ample time 
 
 To do a small behest. 
 Provide good cheer for half a year, 
 
 Smok*d beef and krout^ 
 ^he, lest ye b^reed a famine here^, 
 
 Burghers ! get out- 
 Out then and spak* an aged wight, 
 
 As he kneeled on his knee ; 
 And well one might arede his plight. 
 
 By the tear drop in his e'e. 
 ** I have no more than iferee weeks* stor.e, 
 
 Or thereabout. 
 iSO| lest I'm shot at my own door, 
 Twere best turn out. 
 
63 
 
 But for that household stuff is dear, 
 
 And to buy would break my hearty 
 G grant me, to transport my gear, 
 
 One little market cart." 
 Men Commissaire will play thee fair^ 
 
 I make no doubt ; 
 So leave thy chattels in his care, 
 And get thee out,r- 
 
 *' Well, sith it must be so,*' quoth hr^ 
 
 ** I dare no more gainsay : 
 But grant to me small rations threcy^ 
 
 To feednae on ray way." 
 I; heard with rage and high disdaiiv' 
 
 The audacious flout. 
 Scarce could my angry toe refrain^ 
 To kick, hira outr 
 
 " Traitre au grand Napoleorff 
 
 Peste ! dar'at thou caw for meat f 
 Art yet to learn, his. men alone 
 
 Possess the right to eat ? 
 AUez vous en ! wiih brats and wives^ 
 
 Ye rabble rout ; 
 Imperial mercy spares your lives, 
 Zounds ! get ye out/* 
 
 But now, ye bantlings^ with your sire&^ 
 Deprived of bread and home, 
 
 y*; matrons, from your kitchen firer 
 GtHupell'd abroad to roam. 
 
64 
 
 Ye majcis adrift, some with one shift 
 And some without, 
 
 I'd pawn my plate to buy your fate^ 
 I can* t gel out! 
 
 » 
 
TTIW 
 
 IMPERIAL AUCTia^; 
 
 Auction Room in the Thmlhfies^^ 
 
 Enter the Cardinal, in dosrtonversisiion with a?i Ahh@^ 
 
 Card. In disguise, and within half a mile of Paris f 
 u4. Your reverence may depend on the correeUiess- 
 ©f my informatioik 
 
 Card. Run then this instant to the Prince of Bene^"^ 
 vento, and warn him to put a padlock on the crowns^ 
 jewels, or there is no knowings what may happetj;^ 
 
 IM^tAhhev 
 Yes, yes, I see the gentleman would "be at histoid tricks 
 again. After the specimen of his Sum pson4ike abil- 
 ities, which he gave in the removal of the Branden- 
 biirgh gateway, he would find but little difficulty in 
 making o& with such portable trinkets as these^ and 
 to say the troth^ his Ex-majesty has at least as^ good a 
 right to the latter as the former. — But what can have 
 detained my friend the commissioner so- long ?* He 
 promised to set aside such articles of tbis^ ex Havsgant 
 bankrupt's cast finery as Hiight'snk^m^y ?p^urpose> in 
 retura fof the compilation of mf Vocabulary o^Adhe^ 
 
66 
 
 sion, which I have sat up all night to finish. *Tis tei* 
 to one but something may be found here which might 
 be altered into a handsome dress for our approaching 
 coronalian, in which of course I shall play first fiddle. 
 Let me see : — there is, I know, a long train of blood- 
 coloured Genoa vek^t to the imperial mantle, which 
 Height be made into a coat and dyed black. As to 
 the ermine, perhaps a trimming.of it might be thought 
 too gaudy, as 1 suppose spectacle is to be no longer 
 the order of the day. But I flatter myself that my 
 versatile talents can always accommodate themselyes 
 to existing circumstances; at least, I have hitherto 
 had reason to pride myself upon them. 
 
 Song.— « ■ Vim of Bray:: 
 
 Sage Machiavel, I like thee well,^ 
 
 1 con thee twice a day, sir ; 
 One may drive by thy aid a thriving trade,- 
 
 Like rhe, the .Vicar of Bray> sir. 
 
 When go\vn5 and cassocks went to pot, 
 
 I toss'd iny own away, sir ; 
 And therewas not a stauncher sans-culotte 
 
 Than the sturdy , Vicar of Bray, sir. 
 
 But the weather grew coldpr, and I grew older, 
 
 And 'twas not the way to riches ; 
 5o I bow'd at the throne of Nap^ol^oi?, 
 
 And mounted a pair of breeches. 
 
67 
 
 When ilie sun shines bright it seems but right 
 That men should make their hay, sir ; , 
 
 So none could be more loyal than me, 
 The courtly Vicar of Bray, sir.- 
 
 Like a patriot stout, I've faced about, . 
 
 Now things are at rack and manger ; - 
 For I think it but fair to secure my share, 
 
 And keep my old bones from danger. 
 
 i-^ove to have two strings to my bow ; 
 
 'Tis.far the safest way, sir ; 
 And thus, however politics go, 
 
 I'm stiirthe. Vicar of Bravj. sin 
 
 But should Napoleon be restored,; 
 
 V\\ write a fresh thanksgiving; 
 For shame 's a whim I caH*t afford, 
 
 When it costs me a good livings- 
 Be 't known, whoever rules the roast, . 
 
 For him Til preach and pray, sir ; 
 rpr my creed is this ; to keep my post, , 
 
 And still be Vicar of Bray, sir. 
 
 Enter Cdmmissioncr of Bankruptcy. 
 
 Co?n, Well, my dear Cardinal, is the manuscript 
 ready f 
 
 Card. Here it is; and I advise you to send it to 
 press iin mediately,; for there are some of- your bro- 
 ther seaators who ought not to lose an instant in 
 
m 
 
 getting iliieir lesson by heart. But mind; do not let 
 that Rainouard, and that cursed knot of fellows who 
 favour the new Slate of things, get a sight of it. 
 
 Com, Trust me for that; besides^ ihej have no 
 need of the instructionsi 
 
 Cardi OS with it to the press then, and let your 
 friends have each a copy directly* 
 
 Com, Not a stroke of work will be done to-day, yoo^ 
 may depend upon it. The i^scal canaille is com- 
 pletely mad with joy> dancing about at Alexander's 
 heels. 
 
 Card, Gonfound the fools J I think I hear them 
 shouting now. Blit never fear; I have already en- 
 gaged the Bulletin-printer, who is starving Jor want of 
 employment, to do the job reasonably* 
 
 Com, Faith, that was well thought of. 1 would- 
 back that fellow to print three dozen of lies in an hour, 
 at any time. But come^ I am impatient for my les- 
 son. Just teach me the first two or three articles i a 
 the vocabulary, and then we will proceed to your 
 business*^ 
 
 Card, Now then for it, (DraTm out the manuscript.) 
 Mark ray pronunciation, and then repeat after me.. 
 « A bas le Tyran ! Vive le Roi I" 
 
 Com, - "Vive le Tytan ! A :^bas le roi 1" Was: that : 
 right? 
 
 Card, Hum! — Yon r emphasis was tolerable, but 
 your collocation incorrect. Try again, and attend tG^ 
 me.— ''Vive le Roi!" 
 
6§ 
 
 €rom, " Vive le Roi !" 
 
 Card, Bravo ! Now again . — ** Vive Monsieur !** 
 
 Com. *' Vive TEmp— " 
 
 Card, Gadsfish ! mind what you are about, oi the 
 poissardes will make mincemeat of you in a twinkling. 
 Try again — tiie similaiity of the termination misled 
 you. 
 
 Com. Never mind now.: I have bit my tongue in 
 two almost, in trying to stop my old ejaculation^ 
 
 Card. Well ; time enough for this, as you say,— 
 Now then for your inventory ; is it ready ? 
 
 Com. Here it is, (Reads,) " Inventory of the 
 whole live and dead stock of Napoleon Buonaparte, 
 eloped from his creditorsin consequence of the failure 
 of extensive speculations, and the loss of his CapitaL 
 To be sold without reserve.— Lot 1. Carlos, a horse 
 of the royal Castilian breed, aged. Lot 2. Reyna, a 
 brood mare of the same stock, ditto. 
 
 Card. Why what the deuce could possess the 
 assignees, to offer two such animals for sale ? The 
 same, are they not, which overturned the royal state 
 coach at Madrid ? 
 
 Com, The same. 
 
 Card. Then that horse has been foundered and un- 
 fit for work this last ten years ; and you know it. 
 
 Com. Nobody better. But that will not make much 
 difference, as he never was good for any thing but a 
 stout shooting poney ; a part in which he reaUy s-uc- 
 ceejded. 
 

 TO- 
 
 €ard. And that brood mare too ; who do you tlirnk 
 will buy such an old devil, with ail ihe m*ei under the 
 sun? 
 
 Com* Why we shall not venture to warrant her^. 
 particularly after the attempt she made to kick out her 
 own colt's brains. Yet after all, the pair may be sold 
 to a dog kennel for a few francs, which are really an 
 object, in the deranged state in which the assets have 
 been left by that fool's speculations;, and the creditors 
 in Spain, from whence they were kidnapped, do not 
 think them worth claiming. 
 
 Card, By the bye, what is become of that colt ? I 
 don't see his name here. 
 
 Com* You must know, that thereby hangs a talc 
 You may i-ecollect pei haps how he was stolen with the 
 two others at B^^'^onne. Now the Spanish owners 
 contrived to retain that ferreting tartar. Counsellor 
 Wellington, on their side ; and by the lime he had 
 brought. the cause nearly to an upshot in the Bayonne 
 courts, poor Napoleon thought it time to make resti- 
 tution of the colt ; but it was loo late to stop their 
 mcaihs with such civilities. 
 
 Card. Poor fellow! what a eharacteristic trait of 
 maneeuvring ! 
 
 Com, Ah ! je connois le drole. 
 
 Card. But will they be able to make any thing of 
 the horse after his five years grass here ? 
 
 Gorn,^ Tis against him, certainly 5. but he seemed s 
 
71 
 
 fine mettled animal at first ; and the new patent Con- 
 stitution-curb which they have procured from England 
 may do wonders with him. 
 
 Card That may be. Now for the next lot. Lot 4. 
 Josepho, a noted fast horse in the Madrid and Vittoria 
 hunts; bred by the aforesaid Napoleon. 
 
 Cjm, Tlis Sdine horse, you know, whom the English 
 members or tbe hunt christened Napoleon's Runaway. 
 
 Card, True. He was pahued otF, was he not, as a 
 charger, in exchange for the last lot? 
 
 Com. Yes; but he could not be broke to stand fire, 
 so they returned him on the breeder's hands; and a 
 ^adiy troublesome and ruinous speculation it turned 
 out to Napoleon. 
 
 Card. Well, I suppose you can sell him to a sca- 
 venger, after all? 
 
 Com, I believe we may save ourselves that trouble ; 
 for there is reason to think he has broke his halter and 
 Tun away in the confusion. 
 
 Card, Not improbable : it is a very common trick 
 with horses of this breed. There was High-admiral, 
 \vho leapt a seven-foot barrier in Cassel, at the sound 
 of a drum, and galloped all the way back to Paris, 
 ]ike John Gilpin's steed in th€ ballad. He is missing 
 too, I hear. 
 
 Corn. No mattery let us look at the next lot.— 
 Aye, these old blood-hounds from the St. Domingo 
 pack will sell well* 
 
'Card. How so ? they must be kept tied up, I can 
 assure you. I recollect patting one of them once, to 
 pay my court to the Emp (pho ! I mean that bank- 
 rupt fellow,) and the cannibal devil flew, the wbole 
 length of his chain, at my throat, as if lie weire swal- 
 lowing a black. 
 
 Com, So much the better, I tell you, Monsieur le 
 Cardinal. Here is an American merchant, who wishes 
 to buy the whole lot, and is of opinion that his friends 
 the planters would give any money for them, to hunt 
 their runaway slaves with. 
 
 Card, That's well; but get some one to bid against 
 him, and screw the price up handsomely. 
 
 Com, Luckily I know of a person. — Ha I h^re comes 
 tlie very man. 
 
 3iiter Armourefr. 
 ' Arm, Please your senatorship's honour, I am thft 
 under armourer to the regiment of lancers, whom yott 
 appointed to call respecting that lot of dogs. 
 
 Com, Aye, true; you were formerly a dog-spear 
 maker in England, were you not? 
 
 Jrm. Yes, sir; 1 had good encouragement from 
 some few worthy gentlemen there; but the majority 
 did not approve of my inventions, and so I was forced 
 to become a bankrupt at last. 
 
 Vard, (to Com.) is it possible that these savages 
 still peisist in their old cant of humanity, aiter the 
 
75 
 
 elegant example which we set them twenly years ago ? 
 
 Com. Incredible as it may seem, there are many of 
 them who make a much greater outcry about the ill 
 treatment of a dog or a jackass, than you or I, Mons. 
 Je Cardinal, would have made at that time about the 
 decapitation of a villanous aristocrat. 
 
 Card. Hush! recollect that word is not in your vo- 
 cabulary. 
 
 Com, I had forgotten. (To Arm.) — But, my good 
 friend, do you want these dogs to try experiments 
 upon ? 
 
 Arm, No, please your honour ; but I had some 
 thoughts of speculating with them in England, as soon 
 as the peace takes place ; and obliging some of the 
 best of my old customers, who 1 should imagine might 
 find them very valuable in guarding their preserves. 
 
 Com. Very well ; the sale takes place in a day or 
 two, and you will have the opportunity of purchasing, 
 if you choose to pay for them. [^Exit Armourer. 
 
 Card, What upon earth is a dog-spear ? 
 
 Com. I will construe for you one of the numbers of 
 the English Sporting Magazine, which I expect in a 
 few days, and which will throw a light upon the sul> 
 ject. But now let us stick to business. — Lot 5, of old 
 iron. The crown of Lombardy. Lot 6, ditto. The 
 sword and balances of Justice, the former rusty for 
 want of use ; the latter with only one scale. 
 
 Card, O ! spare me these for my effigy, 
 H 
 
7^ 
 
 ^Com, What do you mean ? 
 
 Card. Why I think of shewing my loyalty by ex- 
 hibitiiig one of the Ex emperor; and these will exactly 
 tJo to equip him with. I shall heat the crown red hot, 
 ill and stick it on his pate; and so forth. 
 
 Com. Ifou shall have them. As for the next lot, 
 my friend .the American has determined to buy and 
 forgeit into thumb-screws for negroes, which he thinks 
 will sell well. 
 
 Card. Let's see. — Sundry broken chains, formerly 
 belongkig to.the free Helvetian, Batavian, and othex 
 republics under the Emperor's protection. 
 
 Cam.6 Ah Mons. le Cardinal! No more douaniers, 
 no more requisitions, no more pretty pickings for gen- 
 tlemen of enterprise ! 
 
 Card, Well, it is of no use to regret the good old 
 times. OLet u% make the most we can of these bad 
 ones ; that is but fair.^ — Now then let us see. Lot 8. 
 A choice lot.of Jbooks, consisting of the Lives of Attila 
 and N^idir Shah, and his favourite Louis XI, with 
 manuscript eulogies and annotations by the aforesaid 
 Napoleon, for the instruction of his son,; likevvise the 
 whole of his l)uiletins, bound in Russia; the Leipsic 
 edition, containing— — Slay, what's this.? — a full ac- 
 count of the happy termination of the war in Decem- 
 ber 1814, the burning of Munich and Vienna, and the 
 conquest of Great Biitain. — Was the man mad ? 
 
 Com, Only a slight error of anticipation. I shall 
 
75 
 
 send the book, I think, over to England ; they can' 
 afford to pay for iheir literary whims there ; and per- 
 haps some of his few remaining admirers may be cap- 
 tivated with this slight inaccuracy, as a characteristic 
 illustration of their idol's style of writing* Lot Q. The 
 star of Napt)]eon.' 
 
 Card. Set in tnud, I suppose. 
 
 Com, Ha ! ha ! very true. Well, for alf that, V 
 shall offer it to his adorer, Jemmj Maddison, who will 
 set it in diamonds. 
 
 Card* I should recommendyoa not,- Xn the tick- 
 lish state of his affairs which is likely to ensue frora^ 
 the late blow-up, the gift might seem ominous, and he 
 might possibly take offence. 
 
 Com, Lot 10. The standards taken at Leipsig. 
 
 Card' Ha ? my old acq^uaintance brought to the? 
 hammer? ; 
 
 Com, Your new acquaintance you mean ; for they 
 look as good as new. 
 
 Card, How should they not ? when I paid the 
 maker in advance a few weeks ago, on condition of 
 his getting them up in time for our late thanksgiving ? 
 Mark that lot if you please; I shall recommend them 
 to Blucher, as admirable imitations of German stuff. 
 
 Com, They would certainly look better than hif- 
 present tatterdemalions, which are drilled with bullet- 
 holes like an Irishman's pistol-target : but I do uot 
 think he will make the exchange. 
 
76 
 
 Card. No matter : the attention is the same ; and 
 it wiii be but safe for me lo curry favour with all 
 parties. 
 
 €vm. Lot IL — Stop: I have given this away to 
 the hangman already, to draw thieves to the place of 
 e:iecution upon. 
 
 Card, What is it f 
 
 Com. Only the sledge which brought Napoleon 
 from Moscow lo Saxony. It had best continue in its 
 old office. But look at this lot, my dear Cardinal ; 
 here is something to suit your purpose. 
 
 Card, (reads.) The whole paraphernalia of a splen- 
 did puppet-shew, got up by said Napoleon, which. 
 failed in the representation. Consisting of. Imperial 
 Mantles, Eagles, &c. — Ay, this is just the things 
 
 Com. Take your choice of them, then, my dear 
 Sir ; and- depend upon my obliging you in every thing 
 which lies in my power. 
 
 Card, (rummaging over the articles ) That mantle 
 will exactly do for me. And by the bye, should not 
 you too have something neater than that old coat, 
 which has been turned once or twice before ? 
 
 Com. Bless me! do not you admire my new white 
 facings, and the tleur-de-lys buttons ? I assure you 
 nothing can be more fashionable. 
 
 Card. Hum I turn round. No, I do not like the 
 set of it; there is no adhesion in the coat, my good Mr. 
 S€nator : it does not stick close to you^ 
 
77 
 
 Com, Wliy, my tailor vvas a good deal hurried by 
 the number af pressing orders of the same nature.^ 
 But never mind ; mine sits as well as many others; 
 though of course, any opinion which you are pleased 
 lo express, ia a law with me. 
 
 Enter Abbe, zcJto whispers the Commissioner ; Cardinal 
 in the mean time continues searching in the chest. 
 
 Card, Let's see — I shall engage, if possible> to find 
 mv own crozier and maces for the ensuing coronation; 
 and I think these brass, eagles- might be easily ham- 
 mered up for thai' purpose by a good workman, and 
 if well gilt, 1 mig^ht charge, them as gold.— Come^ ^^9^ 
 will throw me in these too, I hope. 
 
 Com, Perhaps when you have heard my friend the 
 Abbe's news, you may not be anxious to have them. 
 But allow me to trouble you for that manuscript one^ 
 instant. 
 
 Card, Here it is ;— -but for Heaven's sake, what is^ 
 the matter? 
 
 Com. Nothing of much importance. Adieu^ Mons. 
 le Cardinal. {Exit, 
 
 Card. What is all this^ Sir? I insist on an^explana- 
 tion. 
 
 A, Only respecting the keys 
 
 Card, What, it was too late then to lock up the 
 crown jewels ? Mercy upon us all ! But the Prince of-: 
 iBenevento does not suspect me, surely I 
 
78 
 
 A, Ob, not in the least ; he only desires, that yoi8 
 will send him the keys of your cathedral plate, aad 
 j>repare for a speedy departure. 
 
 Card, What is the mystery of all this ? 
 
 A, Only an order which he has just received to 
 that intent. 
 
 Card, Bring it me this instant. 
 
 A. Excuse me, Mons. T Ex-Cardinal ; you will 
 have a better opportunity of satisfying yourself by a 
 personal i-eference to the Prince ^ and L really am at 
 present busy. 
 
 Card, This to your patron? 
 
 A, I cannot pay a better compliment to h',m than 
 by following his e^fccellent example ; besides, the turn- 
 coat system is grown too fashionable to be disgraceful; 
 sa fare you well, my little good Lord Cardinal. 
 
 Card. Farewell, a long farewell to all my greatness, 
 &c. 
 
 [Here the prompter's book may follow the words of 
 the Cardinal in Henry the Eighth, wMch exactly 
 suit the subject; mth the cant ion, that at the end 
 of the speech the word self is to be substiiuledjor 
 
79 
 
 SCENE llU-^Foiitainbleau. 
 
 Enter ApoWyon, reading Napoleon's propo5fl/s/or^ 
 abdication : tears them indignantly/. 
 JpoL When first thou tooktst possession of thy dirone, 
 Polks said thai ihou ha<i'st my luck and thy own ; 
 Nay, there were doctors who appeared to know^, 
 That thou wast nothing less than my bye-blow. 
 Our names— not much unlike,— the same ournatures; 
 And many traced resemblance in our features. 
 I heard thee without shame proclaimed my heir, 
 While thou and thine *' gay bold-faced villains werei: 
 And kept the world in constant fear and motion. 
 At least I did not contradict the notion. 
 But since in some odd nook, thou dtist^rd elf, 
 TUou'lt live oH^alms, and hoard up sordid pelf, 
 Let brother Mammon own thee if he wilU 
 Thou rule an empire? rather rob a tdl! 
 I must confess I never found thee shy, 
 When braver men were ta be risked to die; 
 But now the rod's in pickle for % back. 
 No ass so tame; no dunghill-cock so slack. 
 No so my Wild*. True to his once-lov'd art. 
 He pick'd the hangman's pocket in the cart. 
 Not so my Abershaw*. When hope was past, 
 The gallant boy shew'd game unto the last ; 
 
 • See the lives of^hese two great mea. 
 
80 
 
 TTie poss€ comitatus he defy'd, 
 And shot the thief-taker before he died. 
 Unlike to thee, thou helpless, heartless thing ! 
 When gaping cockneys flocked to see him swing, 
 He kick'd his shoes off in the people's face. 
 And tl — nd their storing eyes with manly grace. 
 But thou, with tloodier soul, and better luck. 
 Hast not the tythe of his undaunted pluck. 
 
 Yet after all, to do the fellow right. 
 He's done my business, morning, noon, and night« 
 And since with us a settlement he's gained, 
 And from our rates henc<^forth must be maintained; 
 And since the rogue will be at his own sport, 
 And even in h — , will be for holding court ; 
 We'll e'en provide a mansion large and new. 
 Spacious enough to harbour the whole crew. 
 Meantime, as I must keep him in my eye, 
 ril look him out some snug abode hard by, 
 Till he can come among'st ug. to be resident, . 
 And keep joint house with his sworn friend the Pfesi- 
 
 dent. 
 Let's see — there's Elba, has a pleasant air; 
 I often call to trade for sulphur* there; 
 'Tis near my principal Sicilian shop; 
 We see it plain from Etna's chimney top. 
 So when in state 1. visit his abode, 
 
 • its principal production. 
 
81 
 
 My imps can take Vesuvio*s turnpike road^. 
 
 Or if, incog 1 tilburize it from below, 
 
 I'll drive the short cross-country cut by Stromblo. 
 
 But here he comes. Til not betray my hufF. 
 
 Poor lad ! he looks chop-faU'ii sujre enough. 
 
 Enter Napoleon. 
 
 Duett. ApoUyon and Napoleon^ 
 Tune. " The tight little idand:* 
 
 Nap, Here's a fine tumble-down 
 
 From my sceptre and crown ! 
 JpoL But sirrah, I've still sav'd your bacon j 
 Then trust your old crony, 
 My dear little Boney, 
 And depend on't, youll not be mistaken. 
 Remember who brought you to dry land, 
 When you fled from the tars of the island ; 
 When you sneak'd from the Nile, 
 In that glorious style 
 Nap. 1 confess 'twas reviving to spy land. 
 
 j^pol. Think, when you sculked off 
 From the bold Kutosoff, 
 Who sweated and slaved as your carrier, 
 While PlatofF behind, 
 As fleet as the wind. 
 Stuck close to your brush like a terrier. 
 Nap. Oh those bull-dogs that live in the island I 
 That cursed little termagant island! 
 
82 
 
 Jpol, Come, my dear fellow, come, 
 You shall ne*er want a home. 
 While I have an inch left in my land. 
 
 But egad, I must go 
 
 To prepare things below ; 
 For you^ll have the best house in our city;' 
 
 Now let*s think of some place, 
 
 Since you canH shew your face— 
 1 have it ! I'm sure it will fit ye. 
 
 'Tis Elba, that jewel of islands, 
 Within hail of your sweet native highlands. 
 Nap, Yes, 'tis just the right place 
 
 Tp conceal my disgrace j 
 For I want some obscure little sly land. 
 
 ^p^l.. As, in spite of your boast, 
 
 You have proved to your cost, 
 No place so secure as an island, 
 Quick be oflf, make your peace^ ,. 
 And get Elba on lease 
 Till I've furnished your chauibers in myiand, 
 €;nme, come, tis a snug little island. 
 You may course like a lord in your island, 
 You may follow the chase 
 At a neck breaking pace, 
 And so get the sooner to my land. 
 
 Now your lion-skin's slit, 
 
 And there's not left a bit 
 To conceal your true ass's complexion,..^ 
 
 You may graze at your ease 
 ~ As lont; as you please : 
 
83 
 
 They'll not make the smallest objection. 
 In clover you'll live in your island. 
 There's plenty of moist and of dry land ; 
 
 'Tis not a bad place 
 
 To hide your blank face.: 
 -You may range over lowland and highland. 
 
 And do not despair 
 
 Of amusement, when there ; 
 Tor though you have no men to destroy, 
 
 You may ring your own hogs, 
 
 And crop your own dogs : 
 These are pastimes that never cloy. 
 You may stick all the calves in the island. 
 You may whip all the boys in the island ; 
 
 Impale all the frogs 
 
 You can find in the bogs. 
 And live the Jack Ketch of your island. 
 
 For less active delights. 
 
 On the long winter nights, 
 A choice set of books shall be there,; 
 
 God's revenge against murder*. 
 
 My own life*, and further, 
 The works of our favourite Voltaire, 
 You'll have time to grow wise m your island, 
 'TIS a quiet retir'd little island., 
 
 Tis a place very charming, 
 
 For reading and farming ; 
 Then hey for the snug little island. 
 
 > Two curious old books published under these names. 
 
84. 
 
 But should these joys grow flat, 
 
 Don't despair for all that ; 
 You've still choice employment at home j 
 
 There's your consort to lick, 
 
 And your Mam'lukes to kick, 
 And, to flagellate, poor little Rome. 
 
 You may kick up a dust in your island, 
 
 As you olten have done upon dry land ; 
 And when you have made it a hell upon earth, 
 You'll be still the more welcome to my land. [Exit, 
 
 Napoleon, solus, 
 
 *^ For me and for my" family, 
 
 As the poet well doth say, 
 " Low stoopmg to their clemency, 
 I've craved a hearing patiently," 
 
 Through Caulincourt and Ney, 
 
 Tm glad Tve got within my nest 
 
 The Austrian's eagle's egg ; 
 For I'm grown too lazy now to work, 
 
 And far too proud to beg. 
 
 As princesses can't live on scraps, 
 
 Or be lighted with candle-ends, 
 I may get a decent sum, perhaps, 
 
 Through the interest of her friends. 
 
 Tbo* Ney has promised for the rest, 
 
 A handsome word to speak, 
 I don't expect they'll get at best 
 
 'Bove half a crown a week. 
 
85 
 
 I must help 'em out with cheese and bread : 
 
 'Tis a woeful tumble down, 
 From a golden crown on every head, 
 
 To live on half a crown, 
 
 Ourself will fill a good arm-chair 
 
 As becometh our late station ; 
 For, sooth to say, imperial fare 
 
 Hath given us a corporation. 
 
 From thence we still can rule the roast, 
 
 Despotic as a turk ; 
 And see that each is at his post, 
 
 And takes his share of work. 
 
 Old Letty* will be past her work. 
 
 So she'll be out of the question ; 
 The parish must take care of her— 
 
 Faith, that's a bright suggestion. 
 
 Dtjty's a term quite obsolete, 
 
 Except in school boy's themes ; 
 My friends must work, if they would eat; 
 
 So now for my other schemes. 
 
 My sisters have had a glorious rest 
 
 For this last eleven year : 
 But they can't have forgot how to boil the pot, 
 
 And brew the table beer. 
 
 My brother Joe can cook, I know. 
 And that would save some pelf; 
 
 * Mad.,Letitia Buonaparte. 
 
 I 
 
86 
 
 But then he's such a guttling hound, 
 He'd clear the spit himself. 
 
 A little scrub we must maintain, 
 
 To clean the knives and shoes. 
 Ay, Jerry's my man ; for a dirty job 
 
 I know he'll not refuse. 
 
 Holland was always apt to shirk : 
 
 He is but a dawdling chap. 
 Yet he'll let alone what's not his own ;* 
 
 So 111 give him th« key of the tap. 
 
 The gardens of my friend Borghese 
 
 Have famous been of old ; 
 So he may raise the cabbages, 
 
 And trench the garden mould. 
 
 I can't he secure with Caulincourt ; 
 
 My business no more needs him ; 
 He's a savage dog, that must wear a clog. 
 
 Or he'll bite the hand that ^eds him. 
 
 But since his secret practices 
 Procur'd me much enjoyment, 
 
 And since he'll be hang'd, if home he hies, 
 I'll find him some employment. 
 
 An attorney I know in Ajaccio, 
 
 Though I've cut his low connexion z 
 
 1 remember when I stole a hen. 
 He sav'd me from detection. 
 
 » The crown of Holland, for instance. 
 
87 
 
 Xa him -my friend Til recommend, 
 
 And strain a point to wheedle ; 
 His parts and face would aptly grace, 
 
 The post of Bridewell Beadle*. 
 
 He might help it out by little jobs 
 
 In his usual cut-throat way ; 
 Train fighting-cocks, knock down an ox, 
 
 Or carry a butcher's tray. 
 
 And since in all my bloody work 
 
 I've found hira a bully-rock, 
 From my privy purse I'll enough disburse 
 To buy him a new blue frock. 
 
 But hold : this lawyer, ten to one. 
 
 If I play my cards with sense. 
 May help to do for Holland too, 
 
 And save me his expence. 
 
 When I made him my grand constable,. 
 
 He cut but a sorry figure ; 
 But if chosen as a petty one, 
 
 He might act with greater vigour. 
 
 We can make a shift without hira, 
 
 Till Rome is elder grown : 
 The boy will soon be sharp enough. 
 
 To draw the beer alone. 
 
 I should not be surpriz'd if my present wife 
 To follow me should not choose ; 
 
 f 9«e SJiobert's ;»^ount of th® battle of Leipslg. 
 
88 
 
 And 'tis very well known, I can't sleep alone, 
 For. fear of the bugaboos. 
 
 So if she cuts, old Josephine 
 
 Must join the family party ; 
 Though not in the bloaoi of sweet fifteen, 
 
 She still is hale and hearty. 
 
 Habit- is strong, and perhaps ere long,* 
 1 may come to cuffs with my sweeting ; 
 
 And I've often tried my former bride, 
 And know she can bear a beating. 
 
 So after all, my tough old dame 
 
 May suit my purpose better ; 
 For should 1 lame my present flame, 
 
 She might write Papa a letter. 
 
 And should he my weekly wages stop, 
 
 I shall be in a precious hobble ; 
 1 must e'en/set up a huckster's shop^ 
 Or take in shoes to cobble. 
 
 Now fbtmy^ last pathetic peroration ; / 
 
 I think Tve conn'd it o*er to admiration ; 
 They*!! see m.e, to my chaise ; that's but polite. 
 .-^Stop, have 1 got my onion ? Yes, all's right. 
 Now then — — 
 
 * * rarewellj dear General : farewell, comrades all ; 
 I.can't Jbuss all of you ^ my time's but small. 
 
89" 
 
 Farewell, dear eagle. Thy bold brazen face 
 Haih nought avail'd thee. Just thy master's case. 
 Our full-fledged honours we must both resign ; 
 Thy soaring wings are dipt, and so are mine. 
 Farewell, ye heroes of the Xatzbach wars ! 
 Conquerors of Toplitz, trench'd with postern scars! 
 1 might have died, like those mad Roman folk ; 
 But I won't, though — to cut one's throat's no joke; 
 No, I will still pursue the path of glory. 
 Turn royal author^ and compile my story. 
 Farewell the plumed hosts, the cannon's rattle. 
 Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious battle. 
 Farewell the rousing trump, th' ear-piercing fife : 
 Farewell my favourite game of human life. 
 Farewell. Napoleon's occupation's gone 1 * * * 
 
 —Well spouted : Faith, 'twill melt a heart of stone. 
 
 Come, that point's settled. As to allthe rest> 
 
 I really think I've acted for the best. 
 
 My credit's not so low, Fd make a bet. 
 
 There are grave croakmg dons who dread me yet; 
 
 Who, when my name is brought upon the tapis. 
 
 Shake their wise noddles o'er their pinch of rappee^ 
 
 Then darkly breathe ilieir fears of lurking evil. 
 
 And still would hint, I tamper with the devil. 
 
 And may some morning, in a fit of ire. 
 
 Blow up the world, and set the heav'ns on fire. 
 
 Yes> there are folks, though out of Bedlam's rules<», 
 
90 
 
 Who fear me still. V\\ live to plague the fools : 
 
 Come, that's a pleasure ; more may yet be found j^ 
 
 And one great comfort is, Vm safe and sound. 
 
 And if I take those hints from my old friend. 
 
 My country life may answer in the end. 
 
 Meanwhile, to make the moments faster slip, 
 
 1*11 follow up my scheme of authorship. 
 
 l*ve nought to do but jusl rub up again 
 
 My former lofty Ossianic strain 
 
 Of destiny sublime, blood, fire, and thunder. 
 
 To strike my old admirers dumb with wonder. 
 
 And put a mint of money in my fob. 
 
 —1*11 think on't : there's some promise in the job. 
 
 lExL 
 
THE MANIFESTO. 
 
 SCENE,— iVflp/es. 
 Enter King Joachim, with his Manifesto, 
 
 Vm taught to fear by my Gazetteer, 
 That my name's in no good savour. 
 
 Since I faced about, when Nap fell out 
 Of fickle fortune's favour. 
 
 So I'll now unfold, like a monarch- bold,: 
 
 My private wrongs and reasons. 
 Lest by vulgar folks I should be told, ^ 
 
 Tm a server of times and seasons. 
 
 That he gave me a crown, I'm fiee to own, 
 Bjat faith, 'twas no sinecure place : 
 
 For he tack'd to the cargo a precious embargo 
 Of cuckoldora.and disgrace. 
 
 When first in the palace of St. Ctoud 
 
 I-donn'd my royal gear. 
 And saw my horns, so high and proud. 
 
 Above the crown appear ; 
 
 Thinks I to myself, " 'twill never do : 
 Tho..tiara would heUet suit ye : 
 
92 
 
 You might get japann'd, I'm sure, offhand,. 
 And a nuncio do the duty." 
 
 But Caroline came with a smiling grace, 
 
 And she look'd sweet and kind ; 
 And her reasons gave the thing a face ; 
 
 So I stuck to my former mind. 
 
 Quoth she, " Alexander, that great commander. 
 
 Wore horns ere he was wiv'd : 
 He thought they became great Ammon's name^ 
 
 From whom his stock was deriv'd. 
 
 Kow with all your exploits, spousy dear. 
 
 You'll not fetch out his mark ; 
 And really these horns give a knowing air 
 
 To ^icb-a handsome /spark." 
 
 Quoth I, " Weil, have it to your mind, 
 
 But observe, I think it queer," 
 " There now, (ijuoth she) that's very kindj 
 
 My Joachim, my deer*. 
 
 Yet still I was but a man of straw, 
 
 Though seated on a throne : 
 For every one saw Nap's will was my law, 
 
 And. my souL was scarce my own. 
 
 A^ soul I a,ccount of small amount ; 
 
 »Tis the fashion of the day. 
 But 'tis a hard ihing for a crowned king. 
 
 Never to have his way. 
 
 • Elegantly ambiguous. 
 
9S 
 
 I sat me down in my royal dwelling, 
 And thought it a good snug birth ; 
 
 But soon grew sick of colonelling* 
 Half over the face of the earth. 
 
 The world's chief good, I began to think, 
 Lay not in cuffs and quarrels ; 
 
 And I hop'd in peace to eat and drink. 
 And sit beneath my laurels. 
 
 At Puzzuoli I planned a stye, 
 And thought my brawn to kill, 
 
 And roast my pigs right royally, 
 On red Vesuvio's hill. 
 
 But like many a man who has laid a plan^ 
 
 I "found myself mistaken ; 
 And had plenty to do in the hurly-baloo 
 
 To save my own poor bacon. 
 
 For scarcely was I warm in bed. 
 When hey for the north we go : 
 
 Where the cold nights froze my royal nose 
 And chilblain'd every toe. 
 
 In that curs'd retreat I dress'd my meat, 
 And clean'd my horse : (no matter, 
 
 For I knew from a boy the stable employ, 
 And could wipe a dirty platter.) 
 
 No flesh and blood can e'er conceive 
 The life we marshals led ; 
 
 * Verbum Hudibrasticum. 
 
94 
 
 We M?ere kick'd and cuflf*d, and rated and hufT'd^ 
 A nd glad to sleep three in a bed. 
 
 But beds were a Moscow luxury ; 
 
 For when our backs we turn'd, 
 We roosted under the open sky, 
 
 And for fuel our bedsteads burn*d. 
 
 So finding the game was nearly up. 
 
 And nothing more to be got, 
 I thought it no harm to take the alarm> 
 
 Lest I should go to pot. 
 
 So home I went, with a full intent, 
 
 (Which let who would cry fie on) 
 To stroke the mane, and lick the foot 
 
 Of the Royal British Lion. 
 
 But I linger'd long ; and my doubts weie strong 
 Whether Europe leagued would beat us, 
 
 Till the Leipsic mishap, dear brother Nap, 
 Accomplish'd your quietus. 
 
 Yet pity has given what justice denied, 
 
 And a rare allowance youVe got ; 
 Enough to keep a warm fires^ide, 
 
 And make the oven hot. 
 
 But though indeed you can sport afeedj 
 
 Your guests will not be plenty ; 
 And therefore I'd fain, since it gives me no paic, 
 
 Send a visitor to content ye^ 
 
95 
 
 I'm just in the mind to return in kind 
 
 One halt of my obligation ; 
 So, the odds to split, my queen I'll quit, 
 
 And keep my royal station. 
 
 Life Hamlet^s queen, when with language keeia 
 
 Her royal brat arraign'd her, 
 1*11 throw away the worser half, 
 
 And thrive on the remainder. 
 
 So Caroline, my spouse divine, 
 
 Shall make room for a nicer sample, 
 
 You cannot blame ; you did the same. 
 And set me the example. 
 
 Since 'twould not be right to cut you quite, 
 
 Be sure, for old sake's sake. 
 On each twelfth day, come what come may, 
 
 I'll send you a bouncing cake# 
 
 Then you may renew with Caroline 
 
 The joys that once have been, 
 And with Joey and Jerry, make wond'rous mtrry. 
 
 By drawing King and Queen. 
 
NATIONAL GALLERY. 
 
 Quintette, — J polio Belvidere, Vemis de Medici, Her- 
 cules Farnese, the Torso, and Laocoon. 
 
 Air, — " And can you to the battle march away,*' 
 
 Venus to Apollo, 
 Shall we Florence march away, 
 
 And leave the French complaining? 
 They can't expect us here to stay. 
 
 Now Nap has done campaigning. 
 
 Apollo, 
 Ah si, ah si ! cara Medici ! 
 
 We*ll return and live in clover ; 
 Ah oui, oui, oui ! TU be your cicisb^e, 
 
 And follow you all the world over. 
 
 Apollo to Hercules. 
 But before we go, I should like to know. 
 If you, Sir, will join the party ? 
 
 Hercules, 
 You cannot doubt, Pd fain get out, 
 And follow you, ray hearty. 
 
 AIL 
 Marchons, marchons ! 
 Ah, pauvre Napoleon I 
 
I 
 
 97 
 
 The reign of thieves is over ; 
 
 Aliens, aliens ! 
 
 Adieu, fanfarou : 
 We*ll return and live in clovere 
 
 Hercules to the Torso. 
 But, poor Torso, 
 Wouldn't you like to go ? 
 Come, stir your lazy stumps, sir. 
 
 Torso, 
 Td soon be off, i'fegs. 
 But I've neither arms nor legs ; 
 So here 1 must stay in the dumps, sir. 
 
 Hercules. 
 
 Why *twOuld be but unkind 
 
 To leave you' behind, 
 So TJl take you pick-a-back, man. 
 
 And though you're plaguy large. 
 
 And a deuced heavy charge, 
 I'll have ybu to Rome in a crack, man. 
 
 Chorus^ Marchons, &G. 
 
 M. 
 Then since we're all agreed 
 Directly to proceed, 
 ^Ve'll claim Alexander's protection^ 
 So, Mr. Laocoon, 
 We're off this afternoon. 
 
 Laocoun. 
 I can't have the smallest objection, 
 K 
 
98 
 
 £Jhorus, Marchons, &c. 
 
 Laocoon to Hercules, 
 
 But twitch away 
 These gentry, pray, 
 for they've tied us neck and heel«« 
 
 Hercules. 
 Pho, that's not much ; 
 I make no more of such 
 Than fishwives do of eels. 
 
 Chorus, Marchons, &<*' 
 
 llercides to Apollo. 
 £,end a hand here, brother ; 
 Shoot you the other, 
 And I'll knock this on the head, 
 
 Laocoon, 
 Thanks, Hercules and Poll, 
 Sing tol-de-rol-loll, 
 The devilish beasts are dead. 
 
 Chorus, Marchons, &c. 
 PROCESSION. 
 
 Waif cleared hy the two Gladiators, mounted on the 
 Venetian horses. Banner, from Shakespeare, '' The 
 Doge shall have his mares again, and all will be well." 
 Jpollo handing Venus with his lyre en chapeau bras, 
 haocoon &iih a son hanging on each arm. Herculei 
 
99 
 
 with the Torso on his back, wheeling off the Papal 
 chair. The rear brojight up by the Brandenburgh 
 gateway, with Frederic the Great^s hat and sword, 
 to the air of the minuet in Sampson, Grand emble* 
 matic dance by the conservative Senate. 
 
 SCENE THE XAST,— ^ Grand Square in Paris. 
 
 Enter all, to a grand imperial demi^brigade march. 
 Hands round, encircling the statue of the Emperor, 
 to the air of The Battle of Austerlitz. Music changes 
 to The Fall of Paris. Tous balancent. Then cross 
 over and change sides, which brings all the couples 
 to their places again. Music strikes up Vive Henri 
 Quatre ; and they promenade of in triumph. 
 
THE ELBA KING. 
 
 BY A nilEND OF THE AUTHOR, 
 
 Air—" The Elfin King, or Alice Brand," 
 
 'Tis merry through Europe far and wide. 
 
 For freedom and peace returning ; 
 For they've sent in exile to Elba's isle, 
 
 The wretch who caused her mourning. 
 
 Up spoke each moody Islander, 
 
 Who wrought in Elba's mines, 
 " Shall our caverns hide his fallen piide, 
 
 Who his bloodstained crown resigns ? 
 
 " Our harmless race this dire disgrace, 
 
 Have not deserv'd to feel ; 
 For the hard iron-ore that our workmen bore, 
 
 Is soft to his heart of steel. 
 
 ^' The fruits of our toil shall the Tyrant spoil, 
 
 And waste our children's blood ? 
 Oh ! curst be the ship that bears o'er the deep, 
 
 That fiend in gore erabrued ! 
 And that flag deck'd with bees, that flaunts in the breeze; 
 
 To our island bodes no good. 
 
101 
 
 **'TfioBe bees must be meant to represent 
 
 His people's cruel doom : 
 For men take as a tax all the honey and wax^ 
 
 And with powder the bees consume. 
 
 •* Up, Islesmen, up ! to your monster hie> 
 
 (For who can call him man ?) 
 And force him far from our land to fly,. 
 
 With scoff, and threat, and ban,- 
 
 ** Lay on him the curse of the widow's groan. 
 
 The curse of the orphan's cry ; 
 Till he fly to some spot where his name's unknown. 
 
 And there lie down and die/' 
 
THE LORD OF DOURO 
 
 A Song, 
 
 Air, — " The green immortal shamrock,*' See the Irish Melodieso 
 
 Our streets with triumph's shout resound, onr hearts with joy are burniog. 
 To gratitude our cares are drowDed, for Wellington's returning; 
 For him e'en faction's serpent-brood forgot each feud and quarrel; 
 For.him each patriot, great and good, entv^ines the wreath of laurel j 
 Shout then for Wellington, the Lord of ancient Douro, 
 The patriot's theme, the poet's dreajDj the brave immortal Douro !^ 
 
 Ta welcome Mm her only care, with smiles and garlands waring. 
 Behold each joyous British fair the beams of summer braving; 
 Sliehold jBAch liqn-hearted band, the pride of land or ocean, 
 B>:hold the seaman's cheering hand, the soldier's deep emotion: 
 Kaqh veteran shouts with streaming eye, ** Long life to noble Doore ! 
 Oh let pae bless hJiT;^ ere.I dica my jold commander Douro!" 
 
 Eeurh partner of th^t hard-fought day^ with time and toilgrown boarTyp. 
 
 Fights o'er the battle of Assaye, and tells his sons the story; 
 
 His. kijcidiij9gE<u;s_ review w ith prid^that tale, of glorious labour,. 
 
 Pj^sS-closer to their p^irent's side, and grasp .his veteran sabxe. 
 
 " YeS;, thliv^^n JiiiPj jay sons, the gajlant Lord of Douro, , 
 
 " My da5l)t,tbc!ipe,jny nightly dream^j.— -my br^ve comxcaBder JDo»i» S**r^ 
 
103 
 
 Hark, Portugal, with fervid cry her champioh^i name confessingi ' 
 Proclaims her rescued liberty, and echoes every blessing; 
 Her sons shall point to futore years the plain of Vimiera, 
 And Spain embalm with grateful tears the palm of Talavera :- 
 ** Yes, 'tuas he who set ns free, 'twas Wellington of Douro, 
 That Lion-son of Liberty, old England's dauntless Douro ! 
 
 Left Greece, the scourge of tyrants, boast Pausanias or Timoleon ; 
 
 But greater he, whose free-born host repelled the proud Napoleon; 
 
 Leonidas, who sword in hand expired in Pelion's valHes, 
 
 Led not a more devoted band than fought at Roncesvalles : 
 
 Pyrenean mountains o'er, record the deeds of Douro, 
 
 The champion of your rescued shore, — Old £ngland*s dauntl^s Donro 3 
 
 Oh ! dear to U3 each native plaiu with cuHure's blessings waving, :i 
 
 And dear to us our kindred main, the cliffs of Albion laving ; 
 
 And dear is kingly honour's boast, the glorious Alexander, 
 
 And dear our galFaot conquering host, but dearer it's commauder; 
 
 The i'Jol of each true ally, the lord of ancient Douro, 
 
 The flower of British chivalry, our^rave immortal Douro 1 r 
 
 The champion of an injur'd land still lives in tales chi valrlc^ . 
 
 Our Arthur, whose resistless brand was hung in charmed baldric s 
 
 Behold, though doomed to sleep awhile, his spirit reappearing, 
 
 Warms Arthur of the Emerald Isle, the pride of gallant Erin* 
 
 Then, daughters of the Emerald Isle, exulting hail your Douro, 
 
 Tis Arthur claims your proudest smile,, your dauntless knight of Douro ? 
 
 Then here's success to honour'^ claims f Long life in classic story, 
 To Douro and to Bronte's name, those beacon-lights of glory ( 
 With every joy may Erin smile, and ae'.ej may time dissever 
 The tie that weds thy fame, sweet Isle, with Albion's fame for ever. 
 Twine then with BoDjite's name, the name of noble Douro, 
 The polar-star of Albion's fame„with Erin's dauntless Douro I 
 
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