PS 3531 . 1354 |G8 1 1920 Copy 1 l£No ^lays Sxckanged} ^:a ^ 'ii ^:^ AKER'S EDITION '^ OF PLAYS «~° S^ l^&^^a^iij-a: The Guest Retainer Price, 35 cents WALTER H' BAKERS' CD BOSTON ■A^itk'A^dfk^k^k ^"»' ^^» """f ^""^ •'^^ -^^ *™ -Jlr -^fc JW tMt -iWr -Jb- 1 i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i < i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i «F Plays for Colleges and High Schools The A!r Spy Bachelor Hall The College Chap The ColoneFs Maid Daddy The Deacon's Second Wife The District Attorney The Dutch Detective At the Sign of the Shooting Star The Elopement of Ellen Engaged by Wednesday The Chuzzlewitts, or Tom Pinch For One Night Only Hamilton Constantine Pueblo Jones Excuse Me The Hoodoo The Hurdy Qurdy Girl Katy Did Let's Get Married London Assurance Lost a Chaperon A Foul Tip The Man Who Went The Man Without a Country Master Pierre Patelin How Jim Made Good Just Plain Mary » Line Busy Mr. Bob Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard Nathan Hale Patty Makes Things Hum Professor Pepp A Regiment of Two The Private Tutor The Rivals Silas Marner When a Feller Needs a Friend Sally Lunn The School for Scandal She Stoops to Conquer Step Lively The Submarine Shell The Thirteenth Star The Time of His Life Tommy's Wife The Twig of Thorn The Amazons The Conjurer Males Females Time 12 II 6 4 6 lO 5 lo 4 5 15 5 II 10 4 6 9 4 3 10 6 7 7 46 4 7 7 5 4 15 4 8 6 5 9 J9 5 3 12 15 4 7 6 3 6 7 8 •4 4 7 3 4 6 6 5 10 ■-> II 6 •4 5 4 6 12 9 8 5 3 9 3 :> 5 I 3 13 19 4 7 4 6 8 4 3 5 4 5 4 4 4 10 4 9 3 5 7 5 4 i^ hrs. 2 " 2 «« iVz " 2^ " 2 " 2 " 2 " 2 " i>^ " 2X " 2 •• 2 " 2% - IX " 2 " 2 " I>^ " 2 '« 2 " 2 ♦* 2 " 2^ " I>^ " 2 " 2 " 1>^ " 1% " 2 «< 2>^ " 2 " 2>^ " 2 " 2 « 2>^ " I'A " 2X " I>^ " 2>^ " 2>^ " 2 " 2 " 1% " 2>^ " I>^ " 1/2 " 2/2 " 2X " Price Royalty 35c ^10.00 35c $5-oo 35c Free 35c <( 35c i< 35c « 35c i< 35c « 35c « 35c « 35c « 35c c< 25c t< 60c {^25. 00 35c Free 35c (( 35c << 35c <( 35c i< 60c ;^io.oo 25 c Free 35c (< 35c « 35c ^lO.CO 25c Free 60c <4 2^C (( 35c << 35c « 25c <( 35c <( 60c 155 10.00 35c Free 35c Some speed work. Old Coffin is going crazy. Verne. Harry, old scout, we are off ! (They dance all over stage.) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. — Same as Act I. Two weeks later. * Curtain discovers Cas. and Sim. on divan. Tell is behind desk. Cas. Now remember, — to-morrow morning at five- thirty. Oh, wasn't it beautiful this morning! I just love to take early morning walks. To-morrow we may dis- cover where that little thrush has its nest. Sim. It would be positively thrilling if we should dis- cover it, I do declare. Enter Cof. and Ima, c. CoF. Ah, yes. The sea at sunset is most charming. Let us stroll to Rocky Point at twilight again to-night. Ima. Yes, indeed. {Sees Sim. Very cordially.) Mr. Simpson, how are you to-day? I haven't set eyes on you this morning. (She crosses and shakes hands with Sim. Cof. and Cas. are perturbed.) Sim. Let's all go down and see the boat come in. It's due now. Ima. We would be delighted, Mr. Simpson. (All rise, but Ima takes Sim. by the arm and hurries him off R. ) CoF. Well, I'll be da Cas. Please don't be, Mr. Coffin. (She gases off r. a moment, dabbles handkerchief at eyes, and quickly exits c.) CoF. That insolent young;- pup. Dash him for butting into mv affairs like that. I'll fix him. [Exit R. '26 THE GUEST RETAINER 27 Tell. There's a storm brewing. I wonder what is going to happen. Something will with the bunch of lunatics that is running around here. Enter Verne, l., with several letters. Verne. Look at this — three letters and two telegrams came in late last night. All want reservations, and they are all signed " Miss " this or " Miss " that. I guess that there was something in Tommy's little scheme, after all. Tell. I'll have to admit that there was. Verne. I guess you will. You know what our pros- pects were two weeks ago. Tell. Starvation was our closest friend. Verne {waving letters) . And see what began to happen after Dick had been here just one short week. And there is a good part of the season left yet, boy. That's the best part of it, too. Tell. Doesn't it beat all how Dick is mixing things up around here? But look, if we don't do something, Coffin will be so raving mad that he will up-stakes and go. Ima has fallen too hard for Dick. So hard, in fact, that I am really afraid that Coffin will clear out. Verne. No he won't. He wants his little affair with Ima to be lasting, and he will stick and fight to the finish. He will enjoy it more in the end if he has to step lively now. Tell. Simp, sure has him up a tree now. Verne {takes small note-hook from pocket). Well, we will have Dick stay away from her to-night. {Writes in note-book.) Steer clear — of Miss Brayer — until — fur- ther notice. Dick's a good little worker, Harry. He's keeping his contract to the letter. Tell. Seems to enjoy it, too. The big idiot. No man can keep up that pace. Verne. It breaks my heart to see Cassia. She has given up her wild chase for you, and it's Mr. Simpson this and Mr. Simpson that all day long every day. She can't understand why he is so inconstant ; one minute here and the next there. Tell. She is so happy when getting her share of at- 28 THE GUEST RETAINER • tention from our Guest Retainer, that I almost want to console her when her time is up. (Puts arm around Verne and chucks his cliin.) "There, there, Cassie, don't cry. Mr. Simpson will do a one step and a waltz with you to-morrow night, and perhaps we will order him to take you for a walk before breakfast, if you are good." Verne. Run along before you hear the angel Gabriel blowing his trumpet. Tell. You stay at the desk while I go for the morn- ing mail. Say, don't you think that next week we can add a bell-hop to our staff of two cooks and three com- bination chamber-maids and waitresses? Verne. I guess that we can if business holds out. Tell. I hope so. I'm sick of being everybody's jack- in-the-box. I'll be right back. [Exit c. (Verne picks up house 'phone and rings.) Verne. Is this the kitchen? — Don't give 'em stewed prunes again to-night. Make it prune pie. — Yep. — Good- bye. Enter Cof., r. He walks quickly to desk. CoF. Er — Mr. Verne, can you tell me how long Simp- son is to be here? Verne. At least two weeks more, 1 understand. Cof. The devil ! Verne. And probably until the end of the season. Cof. [sarcastically). Fine! Verne. I agree. Every one seems to have taken a tre- mendous liking to him. CoF. The insolent pup ! Verne. What? CoF. Nothing; nothing. Guess I'll have ^ smoke on the veranda. {Turns abruptly and exits R.) Verne. So the ^reen-eyed monster has arrived. That big husky acts as if he were about nineteen. Enter Cas., c, very slowly. Cas. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! THE GUEST RETAINER 2<) Verne. I l)eg your pardon. Did you speak? Cas. Mr. Verne, my heart is just overflowing. I must talk to some one. We have become such good friends the last tvi^o weeks, — you have told me so much about your dear wife and children. May I talk to you a while? Verne. Certainly. Cas. I suppose that you have noticed that we have been just like a big family here — every one chummy and friendly with every one else. Verne. Yes, I have often thought how much nicer it is than at some of the larger hotels where every formality and convention must be observed. We like our guests to have that " big family " feeling. Cas. Have you noticed anything that threatens the quietude of our family ? Verne. I can't say that I have; it seems as if things were better than ever. There never w^as more laughter and jollity around here than at present. . Cas. I am astonished to note that one person seem- ingly has no regard for the rest of us. Verne. You surprise me. Cas. You realize how much Mr. Simpson has been the life of the place since his arrival, do you not? Vernr. Yes ; to some extent. Cas. Well, do you think that it is very fair for Ima Brayer to monopolize his time as she does? Every time I come in with him she manages to be at liberty, and makes a grand rush for him. Really, it's most discourag- ing. Verne. Perhaps he wishes to be impartial. I saw him dancing with about every one last evening. Cas. Yes, I know. Yesterday he was out walking with me all the afternoon. After dinner Miss Brayer got him for a dance, and I didn 't hardly see him the rest of the evening. Mr. Coffin and I had a most miserable evening together. Verne. That's too bad. Cas. There is something else just as bad. Verne. Let's hear it. I can sympathize, at least. Cas. Well, ever since about the time that Mr. Simp- 30 THE GUEST RETAINER son came, Mr. Tell has been very brusque and inatten- tive. Before that he was the most courteous, most under- standing gentleman that I have ever known. In fact, I had just about concluded that he was my ideal. But now, I am sorry to say, he is commencing to totter on his throne. Vi:RNE. You must excuse him. Business is business, and he has had considerable on his mind lately. Cas. The last two weeks have been fateful ones for me. Verni:. I wouldn't worry any more if I were }-ou. "Every cloud has a silver lining," you know. Cas. I fear that my cloud has been turned inside out so many times that the lining is all worn through. Verne. Perhaps things aren't so bad as they seem. Cas. I'm afraid that they are. Even Mr. Coffin no- tices it. We had quite a talk last night. This state of affairs disturbs him as much as it does me ; only he looks at things back end to. He prefers to imagine that Mr. Simpson is using cave man tactics, which is all wrong. Miss Brayer is overstepping all bounds, and Mr. Simpson is defenseless as he is such a gentleman that he can't bear to hurt any one's feelings, no matter how badly they need to be hurt. Verne {glances across desk and out r.). Here comes Coffin. Why don't you talk it over again to-day? Since he is more actively concerned, perhaps he can help you better than I. Cas. I believe I shall. Verne (aside). I'll clear out of this. [Ej^it l. Enter Cof., r. Cas. Oh, dear. Isn't it awful ? ^-^ Cof. I should say it is. Er — er — what are you talking about ? Cas. You know. Didn't we talk it over last night? ^ CoF. Wasn't it a horrible evening? I thought that perhaps to-day would be different, but see what happened the minute we were all together. THE GUEST RETAINER 31 Cas. Yes. Did you see that woman rise like a vul- ture and pounce on that poor, defenseless man ? CoF. You are all wrong. He literally dragged her away. Cas. No, no. It was the other way about. CoF. Evidently my sight is failing. I saw no such incident as you describe. Cas. I am so miserable that I could die. CoF. I confess that I am, too. I never dreamed that I would be such a silly old fool. Cas. Neither did I. CoF. What ! Cas. Er — think that I would be one, too. CoF. Will you be frank with me? Cas. Of course. CoF. Well then, let's get down to brass tacks. We will talk things over freely and see how we can help each other. There must be some way out. I'll die if there isn't. Cas. That will be fine. How romantic this is ! {Simperingly.) Two er — er — lovers in distress. But not the usual case of those who are in love with each other. It's a new idea. I shall have to embody it in my next novel. CoF. Let's get down to business. First of all, we had better analyze our chances as they seem to us. You were more or less confidential with Miss Brayer — before Simpson came. Did you ever hear her speak as if there were one man in existence to whom she would not ad- dress her favorite phrase? Cas. I don't know, I'm sure. CoF. Please think hard. It means much to me. Ye gods, after living all these years with immunity, to have to go through such agony ! I would have sworn that nothing like it could enter my life. Cas. Let's exchange. Did — did Mr. Tell ever speak as if he liked me a little more than the others? He used to be so attentive. {Pause.) Or has Mr. Simpson ever remarked about me? He was so kind and polite until that Brayer woman began to be a — a vampire. 32 THE GUEST RETAINER CoF. (with dignity). Madam, please be careful in speaking of Miss Brayer. She is not to blame. It is all the fault of that interfering pup. Cas. {tearfully) . Please don't allude to Mr. Simpson again as a — a young dog. CoF. I beg your pardon. Seriously now, do you think that there is any chance for me ? Cas. Do you think that I stand any show ? CoF. We don't seem to be getting anywhere. It is time to answer some of each other's questions. We must be frank, even to the point of brutality. Cas. We will begin. You answer mine. Candidly, now, do you think that I stand any chance? CoF. With whom ? Simpson or Tell ? Cas. Either. CoF. To speak plainly, I think that the whole trouble lies in the fact that it is very evident which way you would like to have the wind blow. Cas. What ! Do you think that I have once over- stepped my dignity? CoF. I wouldn't like to Cas. {angrily). Do you know what your trouble is? To speak plainly, I think that the whole trouble lies in the fact that it is very evident for whom you are angling. CoF. {excitedly). Do you think that I have been any- thing but reserved in my speech and action ? Cas. I— I CoF. By Jove ! I believe that you are correct. And I'm mighty sure that I am. The trouble is that we have been steadily on the offensive, so much so that they have had no opportunity to go through what we are now ex- periencing. No doubt they have been enjoying our tor- ture and suffering none themselves. Cas. I begin to see your point of view; but how humiliating. CoF. I think that I see a way out — for both of us. Cas. a light in the darkness ? What is it ? CoF. Listen ; Ima — er, Miss Bfayer is indifferent toward me ; Tell and Simpson toward you. Why ? Be- cause we have let them see that they are absolutely sure THE GUEST RETAINER 33 of US. It is not the fault of our conscious selves. We are more temperamental, more impulsive, more romantic by nature than they. Cas. Yes. Romantic ! It's in our souls. CoF. If we can make them suddenly realize that we are not martyrs to their whims, and that they are in danger of losing us altogether, we will be reinstated. Cas. Victory ! We have really helped each other. How glad I am that our natures are so sympathetic. The next question is how shall we accomplish our end? CoF. We might leave here for a week — give them a chance to see how it is without us around. Cas. Oh, I couldn't do that ! They might even forget that we exist. No, I think that it is best to remain near them. CoF. I have it. We will stay right here and lead them to think that they have misjudged us — that our interest in them is merely passing. We will give them the im- pression that you and I are wrapped up in each other. We will be very, very good friends for a few days. You must give me every dance, go out only with me, and talk about me constantly when Miss Brayer is around. That Avill fix things. I will do likewise for you. (Laughs.) I shall have to work twice as hard, though. I shall have to play up to two persons, while you have only one to manage. Cas. It sounds just like a book. How thrilling. CoF. Affairs will gradually slip back to their natural state. We can even let it go a bit the other way, and cause them some worry. Cheer up ; we will soon control the situation. Cas. I feel so relieved. Mr. Coffin, if you were I, to whom would you be inclined, Mr, Tell or Mr. Simpson? They are such dear creatures. I admire them both. CoF. (almost laughs in her face). I don't know, I'm sure. Get 'em going and then take your choice. Cas. How clever of you. I believe I shall. Enter Tell, c, zvlth hunch of letters. Tell. I think that I have a letter for you, Miss Mc- Arty. — Yes, here it is. (Hands letter to her.) 34 THE GUEST RETAINER • Cas. {coldly). Thank you. {Takes Cof. hy the arm.) Let us go on the veranda. It is much more pleasant out there. [Exeunt Cof. ^ << 35c 2 5 X (< 25 c 4 3 % << 25c 4 3 u <( 25c 3 5 H << 25c 5 3 ^yz <( 25c 5 3 2 << 35c 5 4 2 « 25c /3 6 IX (< 25 c •2 8 I << 25c 9 2 I << 25 c 9 2 I^ « 25c t 4 2 (( 35c /6 7 i;^ <( 25c 6 6 2 « 35c 5 6 I>^ t< 25c 9 9 2 (< 35c I II 2 t< 35c 15 I << 25c lO I>^ << 35c 14 I (( 25c 7 Yz (( 25c 14 Yz <( 25c I 5 ■H (( 25c i8 iX << 25c I 6 >^ (< 25c 7 Y2 « 25c 7 Yz (( 25c 6 Yz « 25c 6 Yz « 25c 5 Yz (( 25c 7 Yz (1 25 c 7 2 I <( 25c 14 i|^ « 35c 9 i;^ (< 25c lO X << 25c 5 '■ 3 I « 25c II lO i^ (t 25 c Bos ton. Mass* '^yayi y jyt j i || r iy ay | ijy.j||t 'i yii | j p t3|| r^|e'^p L ' jy jyi ml jynyij|M.'jM rMr 'Jth ^^'^^' T^r Ar:Ar:i^ lA JlK.jB^Jk ^W anr LIBRARY OF CONGRESS f J Plays and JNovelties Inat Ha\v. ajtcji winners" ^ J Males nmaUs Time Price Royalty L ^ Camp Fidelity Girls 1 1 2}^ hrs. 35c None J i Anita's Trial 11 2 " 35c « |> J The Farmerette 72" 35c " L 2 Beliind tlie Scenes 12 i>^ " 35c " f 5 The Camp Fire Girls 15 2 " 35c " f J A Case for Sherlock Holmes 10 i}4 " 35c " j^ J The House in Laurel Lane 6 i)4 " 25c " ^ 1 Her First Assignment 10 i " 25c " f J I Grant You Three Wishes 14 H " 25c " L 2 Joint Owners in Spain 4 >^ " 35c i^S-oo [^ T Marrying Money 4 X " 25c None f J The Original Two Bits 7 >^ " 25c " |^ J The Over-AHs Club 10 ^ « 25c " [T X Leave it to Polly 11 i^ " 35c " f ij The Rev. Peter Brice, Bachelor 7 }4 " 25c " W 2 Mfss Fearless & Co. 10 2 " 35c " IT % A Modern Cinderella 16 i^ « 35c «♦ f J Theodore, Jr. 7 j^ " 25c " t J Rebecca's Triumph 16 2 " 35c «' jT 5 Aboard a Slow Train in Mizzoury 8 14 2;^ " 35c " f J Twelve Old Maids 15 i " 25c " k 2 An Awkward Squad 8 X " 25c '« f 5 The Blow Up of Algernon Blow 8 j<^ " 25c " R* 4 The Boy Scouts 20 2 " 35c " |k : A Close Shave 6 >^ " 25c « ^ 5 The First National Boot 7 2 i «' 25c " f i A Half =■ Back's Interference 10 ^ " 25c ' " % 2 His Father's Son 14 ^^ " 35^ " t i The Man With the Nose 8 )4 " 25c " f ^ On the Quiet 12 i;^ " 35c " |l j The People's Money 11 i^ " 25c " f ^ A Regular Rah ! Rah ! Boy 14 ^H " 35<^ " * i A Regular Scream 11 ^H " 35^ " ^ jj Schraerecase in School 9 i " 25c " L 5 The Scoutmaster 10, 2 " 35c " r i The Tramps' Convention 17 i'A " 25c " k ^ The Turn in the Road 9 i}4 " 25c " . 1 Wanted— a Pitcher 11 >^ " 25c " r i What They Did for Jenkins 14 2 " 25c " j» J Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 4 12 iX " 25c " C i The District School at Blueberry f ^ Corners 12 17 i " 25c «' )i J The Emigrants' Party 24 10 i *• 25c " y T Miss Prim's Kindergarten 10 1 1 i ^ " 25c " * 4 A Pageant of History Any number 2 " 35c " Jl 3 The Revel of the Year " " X " 25c " i. T Scenes in the Union Depot " " i " 25c " " 4 Taking the Census in Bingville 14 8 i>^ " 25c " j» J The Village Post-Office 22 20 2 " 35c *i »- 1 O'Keefe's Circuit 12' cS i>^ " 35c " r i BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass* ? i > 1811623