PS 351? Classrj£S3^ BookJAlfli Copyii^htN^ COPVBIGHT DEPOSIT. THE TEDDYSEE t THE TEDDYSEE BY WALLACE IRWIN ILLUSTRATED BY M. L. BLUMENTHAL NEW YORK B. W. HUEBSCH 1910 ^%^1 Copyright. 1910. by The Curtis Publishing Co. Copyright, 1910, by B. W. Hlebsch PRINTED IN tl. S. A. CCI.A27.S748 r The text and illustrations here printed first appeared in Tlie Saturday Evening Post. The courtesy of the publishers in permitting their reissue in this form is hereby acknowledged. THE TEDDYSEE BOOK THE FIRST THE TEDDYSEE BOOK THE FIRST I. — The Godlike Tedysses Setteth Out for Oblivion, But Misseth the Train It seems that Jove, who on Olympus sat Picking his teeth with thousand-volted shafts — The date was March 4, 1909— Looked down on burning Washington and cried: ■■Juno, it seemeth me this Teddy Boy Hath kicked the Short-and-Ugs about enough. See how his chariot rageth through the smoke Squashing Tillmanicus, bumping Uncle Joe, 11 12 THE TEDDVSEE 'Proddingthe wolf Aldrichas till he snarls — Now and again he swingeth on some Trust E'en as J. Johnson poked the giant Jeff. Minerva's spectacles and Vulcan's teeth He wears for slaughter — O Tedysses bold! Loud ringeth thy bullful 'Bully! ' through the land. Wall Street doth throw a fit when thou dost sneeze; Smashed lies the Gang, and men are sick of blood." The white-armed Juno, powdering her nose, From Heaven looked down upon the messy scene. She spoke: " 'Tis easy to be rid of Ted. Men vanish when the gods say ' 23 ! ' What I propose, O Zeus, is simply this: Send this Tedysses on some wild-moose chase To Europe, via Congo, Swaziland, Mombasa and a string of black-face stop- offs Not found in New York Central railway guides, Twelve months to wander — and I'll bet my sandals, If Afric lions do not do their duty. The Mighty Noise of Sagamorea's hill Will find Oblivion in some other way. ' ' THE TEDDYS EE 13 Thus Juno spake while jovial-smiling Jove The button pressed, called Mercury and cried : 'Boy, take this ticket to Tedysses — scoot! " Fleet Hermes bore the pasteboard, which was marked 'Good for One First-Class Passage to Ob- livion. ' ' Oblivion! O ye gods, high overhead. Ye cannot shove a card like that on Ted! //. — Mercury Delivereth the Ticket and Tedysses Breaketli Aivay "Penelope, Penelope! '" The brave Tedysses cried — And when he called Penelope 'Twas generally known that he Meant Taftica, his bride^ "O fair and fat Penelope. I'm going for to go To wild and woolly Afrikee, Where elephants and reptiles be And pizen skeeters grow. But ril come back, Penelope, As sure as you are born — There ain't a snake can puncture me; My cuticule Is like a mule 14 THE TEDDYSEE "And skeeter-proof my pores they be; While my rough-riding vertebrae Would stop a rhino's horn." "My hero! " cried Penelope, "The rhino what collides with thee Will surely crack his horn. ' ' ' ' But, ere I go, Penelope, ' ' The brave Tedysses said, "These last instructions take from me: Shun Nelson A. , Sereno P. , And uncular Josephus C, When they come making eyes at thee, Awishing for to wed. Our little son Giffordius In trust with thee I leave. He is a Nature-loving cuss And oft for me he'll grieve. And if some Moneyed Interest Molests my Gifford P., Ah, press him tightly to thy breast, And think, oh, think of me! " Penelope she tightly pressed The Constitution to her breast And sighed: "I'll think of thee! " Tedysses cleared his golden throat And dropped a godlike tear. THE TEDDYS EE 15 "My Policies you'll kindly tote When I am gone, my dear. I cannot name them all to you, Because they're such a lot — There's several just finished new And some that I've forgot. But if, when I return to thee, My Policies intact I see, I'll know that you've been true to me- If not — why, then you've not." ' ' My own, iny Party Spouse, ' ' said she, "Perhaps I'll be quite true to thee — Perhaps, again, I'll not." 16 THE TEDDYS EE III. — Godlike Exploits of Tedysses in Ethiopia (This here chapter I omit — It is laid in Afric's clime. Where Our Hero's gun doth hit Fourteen jungles at a time. Wounded lions he enrages — Oh, you know the stuff I mean! You can find it in the pages Of a Current Magazine. ) IV. — The Much- Wandering' Tedysses Hcareth the call of the Tame; So He Hiketh to Cairo and Calleth Down the Blaek-and-Tan Insur- gents On the shores of Africay Bold Tedysses now doth stand With a hippo dead and gray Resting lightly in his hand. There's a look of Far Away On his brow of high command. For his ear Seems to hear Something marvelously queer In the distant U. S. A. Something like a " thump-thump-thump ! ' ' Followed by a ghastly Bump! ! THE TEDDYSEE 17 'O ye gods and little tish! O ye snails of Oyster Bay! Faith, this soundeth quite suspish- ious to one so far away! Has Penelope, forsook. By some Handsome Trust been took? Have the Predatories snook With my Conservation Book? Is the Big Stick now a crook? Has the Square Deal got the hook? Fain on Congress would I look! " Fear disturbed his plexus solar As he ground each perfect molar, As he stood in thought a while. Then he hoofed it many a mile Down the lotos-bearing Nile. Holy Egypt! Such a break-up Of a shake-up And a wake-up! Not since Joseph, son of Jacob, Prophesied long years of drouth Has a stranger, bent on touring. Hit old Nilus, long enduring. Such a wallop in the mouth. 'Midst the mummies and the scarabs Teddy lectured baby Arabs On ' ' The Strenuous Endeavor. ' ' While the poor, astonished Sphinx 18 THE TEDDYSEE Gasped with shrinks and winks and bUnks At this flood of Modern Thinks, Groaning hoarsely, "\^'ell, I never!" Teddy next, with manner urgent, Called down many a black Insurgent, Many a Murdoek hued like jet. Many a dusky La FoUette Who had come with hope paretic That they'd "get the sympathetic." 'Down! " cried Ted; "Egyptian Smarty! Join the Regulation Party! " At these words there rose a chorus Of prolonged Egyptian powwows As they barked round Theodorus Like a pack of angry bow^vows. And they'd surely got his goat If Our Hero, still undaunted. Hadn't packed his pelts and jaunted By the early morning boat. And the day that he departed Rose a chant of hope which started From the mj^stic fane of Isis: 'Rise. O Nile! We've passed the Crisis." THE TEDDYS EE ly v.- Tedysses Heareth the Sirerus and Admireth Their Voices To Italy, to Italy Tedysses took his way, The land of ease, the land of fleas, WTiere Poverty is gay; The land of bowers and earven towers Where Art's undying name Both permeates and penetrates — And Garlic does the same 'Twas in the sea near Italy That Ted received a shock. "On yonder tide," the sailors cried, "There lies the Sirens' Rock. And if we hear the Sirens' song Ourselves we'll so forget Our bark will snag upon a crag And sink into the wet. ' ' So seven sacks of sealing-wax Tedysses straightway got, And in the ears of all the crew He poured it boiling hot. Then tight and fast unto a mast He bound him with a thong, And, thus secure, he wooed the lure Of that sweet Siren Song. 20 THE TEDDYS EE On the beaches sat three peaches Thrice by Nature blessed. One was labeled ' " Solid East, ' ' Another "Solid West." But of the three the fairest she WTio sang, with I'osy mouth, A bright refrain of Dixie strain — She was the Solid South. Herewith I reproduce those strains which floated o'er the deck Until our godlike hero almost broke his god- like neck: Song nf the Sirens O you restless Teddy, giving Free advice to France and Rome, Do you know the Cost of Living Is advancing 'way back home? That the Tact of Taft has never Saved a rumpus — and we guess That the Finest Tariff Ever Is a mighty aw^ul mess? Do you know the Trusts are thicker And the forests growing thinner? Then why linger, Ted, and bicker With a bunch of Kings at dinner? THE TEDDYS EK 21 Home again, O Teddy! Back to the long love-feast! There's a great big heart in the great big West And another in the little old East. We can ship you back on a flowery track Right up to the White House Door — If one good Term deserves another What's the matter with Another Term More? (Our Hero paled and trembled as the vessel onward skipped. Although his ears were sealed with wax, I rather think it slipped. ) There is a place called Europe — You'll find it on the map. Here Teddy's bark did moor up To wake it from its nap. The Natives, seeing Teddy, That Hero's praises sung In accents rough and ready. Each in his native tongue. The Dagos cried "Robusto! " The French exclaimed "Encore! " The German line raised stein on stein With "Hoch der Theodore! " 02 THE T EDDYS EE But in the town of Budapest, \\'here all the Magyai-s dwell, They simply shouted: "Szz boom fssst Yok pUst tish tush wat tell! " 'Twas in the States of Europe That Teddy took his stand And plainlj' spoke to all the folk On ' ' How to Run Your Land. 'Twas in the ehildless Paris Where Theodore said he, "The art of raising babies Is in its infancy." "Twas he to Bill the Kaiser Who said, "Mein alt freund Bill, Your troops are green — you should have seen My charge up San Juan Hill! " 'Twas he who went to London And got the keys of gold And told the British something skittish About the way — but hold! Round the Hero thronged the Kings Like a flock of eager muttons. Begging souvenirs and things. Autographs and pins and buttons. Night and day along his wake Dogged the Sceptered and the Crowned — THE TEDDYSEE 23 Faith, u King is hard to shake When he gets to hanging round! On his shoulderblade they wept, Told him of their joys and ills. Till, at last, when Europe slept, Ted escaped to Brescia's hills. VII —He Meeteth His Favorite Policy, Giffbrdins, and Heareth Shocking News of Home "Twas in an ancient, peaceful olive grove Tedysses walked alone, composing o'er Tomorrow's little Peace Talk for The Hague. Entitled, "Hit the Other Fellow First! " When, whistling to him from the bough, he heard Some exiled dryad from the U. S. A. And lion-thewed Tedysses, looking up. Beheld, slow-stalking in a near-by glade, One of His Policies, tall and gaunt and sad. The Forest Lover of the Tennis Court. And then, "My Gifford!" cried exalted Ted. "My Ted!" cried Giff— they met in one wild clinch, E'en as some cyclone, strolling Kansas o'er, Picks up Emporia's First Baptist Church 24 THE TEDDYSEE And shakes its belfry loose. At length spoke Ted: "Hath Nature faked mine eyes? What do you. GiflFord, Far from our Grand Old Party's peaceful perch?" "Peaceful— Oh, Splash!" GifFordius cried amain. "My Ted, when thou wert on wild Afric's shore Didst hear a distant Crash?" "I heard a Bump," Said Ted. Whereat spake GifF: "That Bump was me. ' ' Upon a noble Roman stone they sate Lips close to ear, while GifF a tale unfolded So wild, so weird, that full a half a minute Ted listened tense, nor said a single word — This for the first time in his public life. I can't repeat, OMuse, what Gifford told; How bold Achilles round Tedysses' hearth Rocked in the old cane rocker, quite at home; How fair and fat Penelope, now false, Was singing love duets with Uncle Joe, Feeding the wolf Aldi'ichas with a spoon While sly Sereno worked her spinning wheel That wove the TariflF. THE TEDDVSEE 25 These mad truths he told, When, sudden, up Tedysses rose in air, Smashed his rough-riding helmet to the sward And through Liguria whooped this battle- cry: "Malefactors! Falsifiers! All mendacity; No veracity — Bully, bee-lighted— Rah-rah!" Fair Gifford smiled and leaned against a tree. His heart was glad to hear this old-time shout, For well he knew he'd started Teddy off. And that, when he had made the Guild Hall speech And called the English down for good and plenty. He'd make a home run for his Native Land, Get the Big Hickory into play, and then 26 THE TEDDYS EE VIII. — Chorus of Mermaids Attending the Teddyboat Back to A?nerica Little boy Ted, Come, blow youi* horn! The wolf's in the forest. The hog's in the corn. The Regulars plot As they gather in rings A regular lot Of irregular things. Hi-diddle-diddle, Truth's on the griddle; The Mule's kicked over Nebraska. When Ted's away The Trusts will play. And Gugg's lunning off with Alaska. BOOK THE SECOND BOOK THE SECOND /. — The Wandering Tedysses Maketh Fresh Tracks Great-souled Tedysses, going home, The slow-poke vessel now doth fret. His heart outyearns to Sagamore, To Wichita his teeth are set. And while he lifts impatient word, Lo! where the ambient billows leap. He sees a badly damaged Bird Fly limply to him o'er the deep. At Teddy's feet the Bird doth flop, Its neck unhinged, its beak ajar; Much sorrow sticketh in its crop And on its tail no feathers are. 29 30 THE TEDDYSEE This Specimen with tender care Tedysses lifts, despite its grease. "I know you not! " \Miereat the Bird Exclaims: "I am your Dove of Peace!" "Fond Dove! " cries Ted in bitter tone, ' ■ Last year I left you on the Job, With feathers white and coo all right, And fat like Philadelphia's squab. Why is thy wing done in a sling? W^hat have they gone and done to thee?" But all the dying Bird can croak Is: "Taft, and Party Harmonee! " The shooter of a thousand zoos Into his gun a wad doth poke. Harks to the Dove's expiring coos. Then careless Heaven he doth in- voke: "Since hunting is the sport I love. My gun for slaughter still I'll tote. Since some one's gone and got my Dove, Now I'll go forth for some one's Goat!" THE TEDDYSEE 31 //. — He Entereth America by the Front Door Muses, lend me an earthquake To rattle the big blue dome, Or a djTiamite bomb, Or a fierce tom-tom, Or a bugle-call, Or Niagara's fall — Full justice to do To the hullabaloo Which roared New York and the Country through When Teddy came sailing home. Thunder and smoke, how tlie Patriots woke From Kalamazoo to Nome! Your Uncle Sam fell off o' the porch And the Statue of Liberty swallowed her torch WTien Teddy came sailing home. There was color, there was noise. There were Abernathy boys. There was many a chief and scout and lion-trainer; Cuban Vets with battered hilts And Cornelius Vanderbilts And that Tammany-Insurgent, Mayor Gaynor. 32 THE TEDDYS EE Woolly war-cries filled the air, Cowboys rode in Union Square, Fame stood on her heavenly perch and yelled like Melba; Sons of Erin, Sons of Titus And the Order of Saint Vitus Skinned their throats to raise the Bat- tle-cry of Elba. Through the Ready-Money Town They paraded up and down, Teddy bowing right and left like Ju- lius Caesar; And the Nation, which had slumbered As the empty months they numbered. Thrilled again to greet its Corporation Squeezer. When the tumult and the spouting Died away amidst the shouting, And the Captains and the Colonels had departed, Sat a Grafter in his clover Chuckling: "Gee! I'm glad it's over! " Echo answered: "Over, man! He's scarcely started ! ' ' THE TEDDYS EE 33 ///. — False Albany ToyetJt with the Charade}- of Penelope: When Sodom's sins were burned away, And vile Gomorrah cooked, The thriving town of Albany \Vas, somehow, overlooked. 'Twas there, ere dew of morning dried. Timmus of \\'oodrufF rose and cried: "Hey, Willie, look to yonder plain! Methinks I hear, ^Vith sickening fear. The Big Noise coming home again! " Then William Barnes he up did start — Fear swelled his apoplectic heart As through the State he raised the shout: "To arms, ye Olde Garde! — tumble out! " Then forth from mountains, forests, val- leys. Rathskellers, cisterns, bowling-alleys. The noble Stalwarts flfx'ked amain — "Our jobs! Our jobs! " their wild refrain. From Utica, to join the game. That little sunshine, Sherman, came. Before the hosts For war arrayed. With empty boasts Of "Who's afraid?" 34 THE T EDDYS EE With godlike stride J. Sherman goes; WTiile, perching deftly on his nose, His large Pickwickian specs repose. (A flash of spear, A Noise of dread, Proclaim the near Approach of Ted. ) "Let's hatch a plot," Says Tim to Jim, *• 'Tis well— why not?" Says Jim to Tim. So head to head and heart to heart, ^^'ith ghastly glance and ghostly start, The Fatal Papers they procure And sign the Fatal Signature. \Vhen, lo! upon that guilty scene A Comet, run by gasoline, With sportive snort And short cavort, Arrives and casts a gibbous green On the grim glim of Tim and Jim — "Horrors! " they babble. "It is Him! " Tedysses, like a square-faced ghost, Thus spake to the assembled host: "Fair gentlemen, it is my fate Full many million Things to hate. The liav plain I do despise; THE TEDDYS EE 35 "At grafters vain My gorge doth rise; I hate the cats About New York Who live in flats And dodge the Stork. The man of news \A'^ho rakes the muck Well knows nij^ views Upon his Truck; The greedy Trust \\'ith scorn I clothe; The Judge unjust I likewise loathe. But of the Things I cannot brook The most, by George, I hate a crook! " But Barnes, in suaver manner cloaked. Swallowed his rage — and almost choked. "O Ted! " quoth he, "thou speakest flip. My kindness see! I offer thee The Temporary Chairmanship — Say, wouldst thou take it if thou couldst? " Fair spake Tedysses: "Sure, I wouldst! " (These politicians beat the Dickens — Please notice how the plot now thickens. ) Just as Tedysses took his stand The loyal Olde Garde to command, S6 THE TEDDYS EE An A. D. T. boy, undersized — T. \\'oodruff for the pai't disguised — Into Bill Barnes his crafty mitt A message prest — and this was it: '^ From us pray take our Royal Tip — For Temporary Chairmanship The surmy Sherman I indorse. The Grand Old Party 's noble horse. The friend of Man, the foe of Graft, Thine for harmonious action, Taftr As when the birdman Brookins flies Ten thousand feet into the skies. And there doth drop an orange sweet Upon some Aviation Meet, So did the soul of Ted downfall To read that message fraught with gall- His dear-loved Consort writing notes And lending comfort to the Goats! His flashing eye Doth slightly blear; A tearful sigh, A sighful tear Drops on his native sward — and then He grasps his mighty fountain pen: '''Penelope, since I have xvent. Why didst thou choose another gent ? And why, oh why, that heartless whim To knock of me and block for Jim 1 " THE TEDDYSEE 37 Then, answering to Those words of ire, This message flew Across the wire: ' Your fears allay, beloved Ted / You say they say the things I said : Which said remarks I didn't say. Say what I say . I'm thine alway. ' ' Then o'er the ranks of Albany there fell a sickly, solemn hush — Such as when some big bumbling bee falls footless in a bowl of mush. 'War to the knife! " Tim Woodruff hissed. "Aye! " thundered Ted, "and to the teeth!" His good right hand he crooked and drew his Liar Killer from its sheath; But, even as he paused to strike, a wireless wave him thus addressed: 'Drop the Small Game and come to help the Woolly but Progressive West. ' ' His Killer in his belt he stuck. And this impromptu speech spake he: "Fate cannot change the Teddyluck — Prepare a future jolt to buck, Bill Barnes — anon you'll hear from me!" 38 THE TEDDYS EE IV. — Tedysses Swingeth the Square Deal in the Big Circle "East is East and West is West, and never the two shall meet, ' ' As Rudyard K. exclaimed in a way, which is putting it rather neat; Now the Voice of the East has a nasal twang, but the West, when her Voice she blows. She lets out a yell like the Pipes o' Hell — and the fellow she calls for goes. So into the \\'est went Teddy On the swiftest he could procure, For a Conserv^ational, Conversational, Radical lecture tour. On matters of urgency Boosting Insurgency, Patting the Elba Clubs, Praising the fighters, Alarming State-Righters And chumming with Governor Stubbs. With a phonograph And the Outlook staff. And DoUiver vocally sweet. And Garf and Giff All ready to bifF Achilles from off his seat. THE TEDDY SEE 39 Elach hour of the day With something to say And something to drink and eat — A galaxy gallant Of popular talent Which Four of a Kind can't beat! Among the tall burdocks With Bristows and Murdocks He hunted the Trust to its lair; A fist broad and bi-awny He shook after Tawney, And shouted: "Come out, if you dare!" To crossroads and sidings He brought the good tidings Of "Boost my New Policies strong! " He praised little mothers And slammed the weak brothers Who didn't know Virtue from Wrong. At every station There stood an Ovation, With banzais so lusty and salvos so swinging That the welkin, in fact, Got outrageously cracked After several weeks of continuous ringing. 40 THE TEDDYS EE Shall I mention Cheyenne, with its busy corrals. Where the cattlemen told him, "You bet' we are sta'nch! " How he talked upon "Waterways, fleets and canals" To the dry-farming boys of the Al- kali Ranch? Shall I tell how he burst upon Denver's plateau To the Third Term Enthusiast's usu- al cheer? How he stood on the platform, looked round and said, ' ' No — I won't speak a word till Ben Lind- sey is here ! " >tf THE TEDDYSEE 41 How he slammed the Supreme Court's supremer banalities, Cross-eyed decisions and "high technical- ities"? Then on to the land of Insurgent Bonanzas — Muse, tie your hat on; we're going toKansas: ^^■ichita, Ottawa, Lebo, Eureka, Delphos. Eudora, Chetopa, Topeka; Then on where the sunflower flaunts its bravery — Osawatomie, still the staunch foeman of slavery, WTiere the soul of great John, Whose last name was Brown, Goes marching right on Through the cvite little town. 4a THE TEDDYS EK Here the Teddy Train stopped with a toot that was rollicking; Whole population of Kansas came frolick- ing: Mothers and fathers and grizzled old Vets Thronged from the farms As they bore in their arms The hardiest crop that young Kansas be- gets— Infantile Bristows and wee La Follettes. "Tonight is the night!" Said Governor Stubbs To Will Allen White, Who was up to the hubs In a trance of delight As forth in his might Strode the Soul of Progressive Republican Clubs. Oh, how can I focus my mind's feeble prism On that wonderful speech on New Nation- alism, Where a Platform was built. Some Trust-blood was spilt And \Vrong got the javelin up to the hilt? Next he praised Kansas City's Missourian forces. Then stopped at Sioux Falls, where, in thrilling discourses, He spoke on "Notorious Party Divorces. " THE TEDDYSEi: 4S Then a stop-off at Fargo To let on a cargo Of deputy sheriffs and cowpunching boj's Who were eager with praise Of "them hell-splittin' days On the Little Missouri — wow! Let's make a noise! " Next he dropped at St. Paul On the Governors all And handed State-Rights a most serious "call"; Then an afternoon talky He spent at Milwaukee, Where he gave Mayor Seidel a gall-coated pill. Then on to Chicago flew Ted with a will. Where the Hamilton Club sat prepared for a thrill. As, with hard, vacant stare Stood a hard Vacant Chair Marked "Lorimer" — faith, it is standing there still So thus and etcetera Theodore pressed A Garland of Speeches three thousiuid miles long Like a barb-wire fence round the heart of the West, Till the W^est yelled "I'm yourn!" and took after him strong. 44 TJIE TEDDYSEE But Marse Henry Watterson spoke from his heart: "The Slayer of Lions is now being lionized; And the Colonel, of course, will continue his part Till the dear old Republican Party is Bryanized. " V. — Our Muse Taketh the Express Ele- vator to Olympus Muse, here's our elevator waiting. "Go- ing up! " Up to Olympus, where, with twitching beard. Great Jove sits at his desk and, with a pin. Traces across the map of U. S. A. The latest zigzag of the Teddy Tour. Around him sit the Council of the Gods, Each looking anxious as the sci'atching pin Passes from Kansas eastward to New York. "O tell me. Uncle Jupe, ' ' fair Venus speaks. Brushing the star-dust from her perfect nose, "What ticket will you give your Favorite now? What will Tedysses be a-doing next?" Nine thunder-sneezes sneezed the Cloud- compeller; THE TEDDYS EE 45 Then thus to Venus: "Pretty pinky one, I'm merely hired to boss the Universe — Then how can I control this Teddy, pray? For there are things of which the gods themselves Can simply speak the Delphic phrase, 'Search me! ' But, since you ask me what's my guess, I'll say Tedj'sses may, within a week or so, Fly angry to his ruined Party Home, Where his Penelope of Taftlike face Doth entertain his enemies at lunch. ' ' "O bully! " Venus cried; "then I foretell There'll be the loudest crash, the maddest yell Since Vulcan through the heavenly sky- light fell." BOOK THE THIRD BOOK THE THIRD /. — Tedysses Taketh a Club Unto the Sin- ful Suitors of Penelope Tired with his starry touring through the West, A thousand towns, a million epigrams, Tedysses paused — a thing he seldom did — And fell asleep within his special ear. Whereat Minerva, Harvard's sacred god- dess, Upon her ambient aero gliding down. Lifted Tedysses sleeping from his bunk And bore him to arboreal Washington. Softly she laid him on the White House lawn And with an angel-feather scratched his nose. 49 50 THE TEDDYSEE Our Hero sneezed. "Alas, where am I at?"— A question seldom asked by Theodore. He rubbed his glasses; then, quick glanc- ing round. Beheld his dear Administration Home; The very same — and yet how sadly changed! "Oh, what hath happened to my Tennis Court, That sacred plat where erstwhile Garf and Giff Bounced the swift ball belike a Rubber Trust? Weeds now infringe the spot — it seemeth me The Old White Homestead hath a differ- ent air From what it had before I left the place In charge of fair and fat Penelope. THE TEDDYSEE 51 Thus Teddy spake, when sudden through the trees A dusty, damaged, dopey Dog appeared. Whined whimpering at Teddy's feet, and there Licking his hand fell in a hunger-faint. Tenderly leaning, Ted with terror saw The truth — it was his dog "My Policies"! "Horrors, poor hound!" he moaned; "I left you fat. Gnawing rich steaks from juicy Corpora- tions- See how your ribs stick out — your listless tail Betrays the fact that you have fed on scraps. And few of these, for many, many moons. Poor mutt! While you lie gasping in the ditch Tray, Blanche and Sweetheart, decked with I'ibbons blue. Bark saucily from out the Royal Coach. By George, I'll fix 'em! " Speaking thus, Tedysses Reached for his magic blade. WTien from the sky Divine Minerva, goddess Suffragette, Swooped swiftly down and thus to Theo- dore: 5S THE TEDDYS EE "Sheathe the sharp sword, O Strong One! Only wait Until the proper time, and 1 shall grant thee A chance to smite thy foes in yonder Palace Such an Homeric swat as Honus Wagner Swings on some gosling from the Minor League. THE TEDDYS EE 53 So saying, the goddess, by a magic word. Changed Teddy from his vast and warlike bulk To the more humble shape of Richard G la vis. Seattle clothes she put upon his back And in his hand a satchel labeled "Evi- dence. ' ' Thus strangely changed she led him gently forth And set him knocking at the White House door Just when Josephus Cannon and The Rest, Clad in rich robes and bearing sweet bou- quets. Were dropping in, as usual, for lunch. //. — The Crafty Tedysses Obtaineth Admit- tance to the Old Homestead There came a bump on the White House steps And a knock at the White House door. Achilles blank and Hitchcock frank, They gasped like trout in a brackish tank. "Who's there?" they cried, full sore. Then Achilles opened a weeny crack And peeked with a look surprised. For out in the storm stood a Glavis form — Which same was Our Ted disguised. 54 THE TEDDYSEE " ' O poisonous snake of Insurgent make ! ' ' Godlike Achilles hissed; "Why come you here with suspectful leer And a fatuous Conservation sneer And a tainted Alaska list?" "I have evidence plain," quoth the Glavis swain, "Which will rattle your slats some more; For it tells of loot. " — Here he stuck his boot In the crack of the White House door. "Oh, Evidence plain ye may bring in vain — Avaunt, vile viper, avaunt! " Achilles cried as he rubbed his heels. "We've muckraking spiels on Land Office deals Far more than we'll ever want." But Hitchcock fair cried: "What do we care ? Such clowns but amuse the Bunch — For this Glavis bloke is a Popular Joke; Let's haul him along to lunch! " Then into the empty Cabinet Room Led they the glaviform Ted. Then they put bright bells on his toes of pride; Then gave him a bauble— and next they tied A fool's cap over his head. THE TEDDYSEE 55 So they laughed "Ha-ha!" and they shrieked "Huzzah! Sure, the look on his mug is rum! " — Changed were their tune had they known how soon The End of the Laugh would come. ///. — Tedy.sses Smiteth the Lyre, yet Hold- eth His Rage ■■.■■. Within the royal dining-hall The Suitor Horde sat lunching all. Such stacks of fattening food to eat! Such Taftlike joints of roasted meat! Such bumpers passed 'twixt college chums! Such 'possums stuffed with Party Plums! Upon a dais of solid make Reclined Penelope devout, Eating as though her heart would break — A goddess, though a trifle stout. Tedysses from his humble place Gazed on that well-iemembered face. "They say," said he, "Penelope Mourns my long absence day and night. And yet, so far as I can see. Grief has not lessened Appetite. ' ' On either side the royal plate. As if to share the royal state, Cannonos and Aldrichas sate. 56 THE TEDDYSEE They seemed to be In rivalree To win the fair Penelope, Josephus, with his black cigar Tiptilted to the morning star, Spake thus: "Fair Taft, if in the tie Of Party V\'^edlock we should mate. Oh, think how smoothly you and I Could run the gol-dinged Ship o' State!"— Tedysses heard and broke a plate In silent, concentrated hate — Aldrichas spake: "Fair Taft, if I Could share thy throne my whole life long. The special Interests, weak and shy. We'd nurse till they were straight and strong! " — Tedysses. chewing silent glue. Snarled: "Rubber trustling! — meaning you." The nectar gurgled round on round To wild Reaction's tuneful sound, ^Vhile Hale, of Democratic Maine, A jest or two could not I'efrain On absent Teddy's teeth and voice; And Ctesar Burrows, once the choice Of Michigan, until that state Stabbed Caesar in his consulate — THE TEDDVSEE 57 C. Burrows made some cutting crack Anent "Ex-champs, who can't come back!" ' Tedysses heard. His smile was black. Then Woodruff, whom the gods call Tim, And he whom men call "Sunny Jim," Indulged in sentimental chat On Saratoga's splendid prime, WTien Tweed passed down the robe to Piatt And votes meant money all the time. Quoth W'ickersham: "I pledge a toast Unto the classic G. O. P. , Which, like some mighty Hitching Post, Moves not, yet holds its dignity. The toast was drunk with piercing yell By Tawney, Penrose and Dalzell; At which a frenzy of affright O'ercame the fair Penelope — ■'If Ted should happen home tonight My, what a clearing out there'd be! " Tedysses, in his Glavis shape, Rose and o'erlooked the ribald fun As one who craves a shooting scrape, Yet lacks the necessary gun. The crowd beheld him with a screech Of "Get the hook!" and "Get the prong! " Some scoffers shouted, ' ' Dick, a speech ! ' ' Yet others, "Say it in a song! " 58 THE TEDDYSEE Our Hero cleared his golden throat, His speechful throat to song unused, Then, as of yore, the Lyre he smote And tuned this melody enthused: Co?tservatiori Versus Devastation "A tree stood alone On a high, high hill. If they'd let it alone It would be thei'e still. But the tree was shipped To the old sawmill. \\'here its heart was ripped With a sawyer's skill. And now on the place Where the chipmunks jump There's a Land Fraud Case And a blackened stump. ' ' Chortis "It's too late to lock the stable when the mare's skipped spiy; If you throw away the apples, then you can't have pie; But the wisest affirmation In the Law of Consei-vation Is: You cannot draw the water when the well runs dry. " THE TEDDYSEE "In the primal soil Lay a ton of coal, Prize for the toil Of some needy soul. But it fell in the snitch Of a greedy Trust Which was in with the Rich And out for the dust. Oh, that Trust was deep As the midnight's dye. It could buy things cheap, It could sell 'em high: Now that coal doth smoke Over Pittsburgh sere, Where it adds to the choke Of the atmosphere. ' ' Ch07'US "When the kerosene has vanished, then the well won't spout; It's too late to talk of dancing when you've grown too stout — But the brightest aphorism Of the Brand-new Nationalism Is: You cannot fill the scuttle when the coal runs out. ' ' Achilles rose with frenzied nerve. Fear quavering through his pallid brain: 60 THE TEDDVSEE "This clownish Glavis chaunts a dirge — Can't some one pipe a livelier strain? " Sereno Payne, devoted man, Worked in the background wild with zeal, • Weaving a Tariff as he ran Penelope's own spinning-wheel. "Oh, list! " he cried, "friends of mine own, This tripping threnode I'll intone: High Tariff" Spimiing-Song "If Uplift is good — and they say that it is — It's bully in any direction; It's fine in Religion, it's better in Biz, But in Tariff it's simply perfection. So we'll hike up the schedules on stockings and breeks. On rice, cotton, flour — can you beat 'em ? But we'll let down the bars on Italian Antiques, Because folks can't wear 'em or eat 'em." Cnorus "Spin 'er out fine All down the line; Boost all the prices a wee little shade. So we'll sit our high horse And serenely indorse The Corkingest Tariff that Ever was Made." THE TEDDYSEE 61 ' ' If kindness is good— and they say it is sich — Then the poor should not lack our protection; But it's kindlier still to be kind to the Rich \\'ho reciprocate love and affection. So we'll aid the directors of Bethlehem Steel And the billionaire barons of rubber, Till the campaign bonanzas resound to our zeal And the Pork Barrels blossom with blubber. Chorus "Let us be just To the Shoemaking Trust — Wee Infant Industry needing our aid; And our Party we thank As we stand on the plank Of the Helpfulest Tariff that Ever was Made. ' ' IV. — Tedysses Turneth Loose The luncheon now was drawing to a close, And, dallying dankly with the fingerbowl. The wolf Aldrichas rose and thus addressed Penelope: "Great Queen, alas, too long You've kept your suitors on the anxious seat! 62 THE TEDDYS EE Teddy, you see, is coming back no more: So, say, for good and all, which one of us You choose to fill the strenuous place be- side thee. " A shy, sly twink shot from the mystic orb Of smooth Penelope as thus she spake: "Sweet suitors, as I love ye equally, I'll choose to fill Tedysses' vacant throne The one among your train who this can do: Up in the garret lies a Weapon stout, Covered with cobwebs, deep in mothy dust — 'Twas called 'the Big Stick' when by Ted 'twas swung. " — THE TEDDYS EE 63 A deathsome shudder thrills along the line — 'Now him among ye who can swing this bludgeon Thrice round his head and say 'Dee- lighted! ' thrice, To him the chair of Teddy 1 surrender. Then upward seven colored porters ran And, groaning gruffly like piano-movers. The big, black, brutal bludgeon down they bore. The wolf Aldrichas was the first to try. Baring his elbows, spitting on his hands, 64 THE r EDDYS EE With biceps bent and shouldei-s firmly squared, He seized the weapon by its handle-end And tugged as might some little, busy ant, Trying to drag an auto up a hill. Next old Josephus of Cannonic fame Strained at the Stick and raised it far enough To drop it on his homespun Danville sock. Achilles tried in vain, then sunstruck Jim, Then tvtrentj^ stern, standpattish Senators. "Wliat! " cried Penelope. "Can no one lift The Stick which once my Ted with one hand swung While writing notes to Congress with the other?" Then did Tedysses, still in Glavis form, Step forth. "O Queen, a timid boon I crave: Though I may not be like Aldrichas strong, Or like Josephus wiry, grant me leave To try my puny wrists upon the Stick. ' ' With comic jeers the boon he asked was granted. And then Ye Furies! How shall I describe The marvel that immejut did befall? For, the thin mask of Glavis shaking off, Tedysses i-eared his well-remembered bulk, THE TEDDYSEK 65 His knobby, knotty, super-bulldog shap)e. Within his gumptious gi'asp the Stick he clutched ; One tug, the mighty timber reared in air — Then through that charnel hall there shrilled the shriek Of "Ouch!" and "Spare us. Ted— we didn't do it!" Wretches! Why plead where pity there is none? Josephus and Aldrichas fell together. Squashed on the floor in one conglomerate blob. Skulls popped amain and on the marble walls Pattered the splatter of standpattish gore. Did one escape? Nay! On the lawn without Gathered the stout Progressives, fully armed, Bristow and Min-dock, Cummins. I^a Fol- lette. Holding their choppers right across the doors. So, when the screeching fugitives poured out. Bang went another deader on the sward ! So, all that wild avenging afternoon, "Thud! Thud!" the Stick descended. Heaven, assisting. 66 THE TEDDYS EE Poured deadly lightning from the black- ening sky. The screams grew less. At length the Hall was still. Upon the scene Penelope did flit, Obsei'ved her Lord, then had a fainting fit. At last she raised her head. Smiled affably and said: "Good gracious me, j'ou haven't changed a bit!" BOOK THE FOURTH BOOK THE FOURTH /. — Tedysses Takeih a Pullman for Hades and Retur7i In myrrh and asphodel and drowsy lotus Tedysses sleeping lay. The Big Stick loosely wrapped, till further notice. In lavender and bay. Again in dreams he heard the shrieks and bellows Responding to the blow When with the scourge he smote the Crooked Fellows And brought the Okie Garde low. 69 70 THE TEDDYS EE While thus he dreamt, from out the am- bient ether Jove sent this wireless fleet: ' ' Waste not thine hour in dreams, O Heavy Breather! More toil awaits thy feet. "Awake! descend at once to gloomy Hades And interview with care The Ananiac band of spooks and shadies Whom thou hast driven there. "Speak to them kindly whom in life thou chided. And when the jaunt is o'er Come back to Earth and manage undivided Thy throne forevermore. ' ' "Orders O. K.," T. R. to Heaven cabled; Then hastened to affix Upon his trunks a baggage-ticket labeled, "To Hades, via Styx." //. — He Slideth the Chide to the Infernal Basement "Halt! Who goes there?" From out the craggy black Of midnight Erebus a Voice outrasped, Harsh as a handsaw grating on a nail. Tedysses, who with jungle-seasoned feet Had strode into the very jaws of Hell, THE TEDDYSEE 71 Now halted. ' ' Who art thou, dour sene- schal. That biddest the Moving Van of Progress stop ? No Man or Thing hath ever stayed my course. What jest is this?" " O Tumbo, " spake the Voice, "I have stopped kings and queens and actresses. The ruddy gold of Ormus or of Ind- -iana naught avails when I cry 'Halt! ' I am the Heart of Stone, the Voice of Brass. All hope abandon ye who enter here. " Ted struck a match and gasped when he beheld At Hades' gate the form of William Loeb, Three-headed, terrible, collecting tithes As tariff from the living and the dead. "Surely you know me. Bill," Tedysses spake. "That's what they all say," growled the icy Loeb. "Cough up the keys, now, for I see ye bear A suitcase filled with dutiable goods. ' ' He who had made the Afric lion faint And sassed the Bi'itish lion to his teeth. Now meekly oped his suitcase and declared 72 THE T EDDYS EE The following items: Seven fountain pens, A photograph marked "Bill, R. I., to Ted," The Keys of London, Wagner's Simple I^ife, A safety razor, Works of Mai'c Aurelius, A gun, A pair of boots. The Pilgrim's Progress, A pack of faded letters postmarked "Rome." Loeb cast upon the pile his duteous eyes, Tagged the lot "'Confiscated," rang the bell And summoned Pluto. "Here's a gent," he said, "\Mio's bent on raising Hades — show him round. ' ' ///. — He Chatteth with the Cniahed Spirits of His Foes The dark-browed Pluto, Hades' king. Removed his crown to Teddy's state: "Dear sir, thou art the livest thing That ever passed this sable gate. Now, tell me plain: Of my Domain What part wouldst thou accelerate?" THE TEDDYS EE 73 Fair spake Our Ted: "I would prefer To see the victims, if you please, Who fell before my Walloper. ' ' Glum Pluto smiled with deathly ease. "\Ve have a whole Department, sir, Devoted to the souls of these. All in a Stygian motor- boat They launched them on the troubled tide. Grim Charon piped: "We scarce can float. The sea's so rough. ' ' But Teddy cried: "Fear not. Old Geezer — thou bearest Cffisar! " So crossed they to the other side. They first beheld a spout of fire Hard by a fogged infernal fen, WTience came loud shouts of "Who's a liar?" Wild issuing from some dismal den. And as the Voice rose high and higher Tedysses whispered, "It is Ben ! ' ' In a crude cave Ben Tillman stood Eating hot coals and spitting flames As though the banquet tasted good And burning brands were parlor games. "Hullo! " he said, observing Ted; "You can't beat me at calling names! " 74 THE TEDDYS EE "O Pitchfork Ben," Tedysses cried, "No scorching names I bring to you; But this advice I bear to guide Your farther passage Hades through: Be suave to your Superior And do not speak till spoken to. " Then from that pit of deathless hate Burst a blue blaze of sulphured cuss: "Thou egocentric puffed Ingrate, Hades ain't big enough for us! " Pluto, dismayed, said: "Come, let's fade Before he starts another fuss. ' ' Hard by upon a Tarpeian lock. Lay Foraker, reduced to nil, Listless of any sound or shock. Limp as a rag and void of will. "Pluto," said Ted, "I hate to knock. But Joe, I see, is lying still. ' ' Loi'n, lonesome in the jaundiced mist, A gray Tree reared its gnarl and knot ; A hardshell Tree, whose sturdy twist Showed the healed scars of many a swat. Behold! What ho! 'T was Uncle Joe, Securely rooted to the spot. THE TEDDYS EE 75 About this noble wooden chunk The hurricane of Progress blew, But Joseph neither budged nor shrunk From the hard I'ocks on which he grew. "Chop, if you will, this old gray trunk, But spare My Country's wool and glue!" A tremor twitched his tattered twig Beholding Teddy's outlines faint; Then whistled he: "I don't renege — If you're Republican, I ain't." "I half suspect that you're correct," Teddy replied, with some restraint. More woi'ds had passed, but Pluto's snort Broke in: "Come, Teddy, stir your feet! Eternity seems far too short When two Perpetual Speakers meet. The next to view is Aldrich, who Will furnish us a pretty treat." Through the weird Vale of Nature-Fakes The twain did wend their weary way, Past flying cows and singing snakes And clawfoot mules that ate their prey. Past climbing hogs and rabbit-frogs And storkichicks, both red and gray. 76 THE TEDDYSEE The ghost of Reverend Mr. Long Forever climbed the lofty trees. Where apelike horses sat in song In altitudes one seldom sees. "They don't exist! " Tedysses hissed, Though obviously ill at ease. Soon Pluto and Tedysses came To an ice cliff topcapped vi^ith snows, Up whose smooth sides a ghost of fame, N. Aldrich, clomb with naked toes: As up he wore he madly bore A dollar balanced on his nose. 'Gainst the smooth slope he slowly stepped, His straining sinews sorely sot. Balanced the coin with nose adept Till halfway up the peak he got, VNTien sudden — zip! — with frightful flip Down the slick, slippery slide he shot. Undaunted by that bumptious fall, Another dollar he obtained; This on his nose he set withal, And to the peak again he strained. "What's this grim joke?" Tedysses spoke. Whereat N. Aldrich thus explained: "This icy pinnacle you see Is called the Solid Interest; THE TEDDYSEE 11 Ten million years I'm doomed to be Its climbing toy, its bitter jest. Upon my nose I thus repose My Cun-ency — you know the rest. ' ' As summitward again he toiled. Again to slip and downward dart, His dignity forever spoiled, His temper peevish with the smart, A bully thrill of right good will \V armed Theodore s progressive heart. 78 THE TEDDYSEE IV . — He Beholdeth the Specters of Famil- iar Monsters Upon a horrid, hopeless midland weir Malformed, gallumptious, bulbous brutes ^ he saw; •" ; Some like the Singer Building, planet- reaching. Some short and slimy, squalid but im- mense. And yet, withal, they bore as half -devel- oped A sort of human shape — yet, oh, how twisted. Swollen, lopsided, fat, mal-specialized, As in the spectral swamps they rolled about. Babbled of mergers, panics, stock reports, Teai'ing their flabby sides and bleeding bullion. Tedysses sudden standing in their midst. An awful silence struck their mad carouse. Then, like a million boilers belching steam. They reared haunch-high and raised this hellish salvo: "Hail, Great Pile-Driver of the mighty chug! Thou who from realms of daylight ham- mered us To deeps of Stygian Orcus, by the fury THE TEDDYSEE 79 Which thou on earth didst sway, devoid of nierey, Oh, stay thine arm, and pity us in Hell! " Tedysses, unto Pluto turning, said: "Who are these vast Homunculi here gath- ered — These monstrous near-Men lummoxing about? They seem to recognize me; yet their like I've never met in all my lecture toui's. " Pluto unto the giants turned and cried: "Since our Distinguished Tourist wants to know More of you — come now, give your college yell!" Whereat the monsters thus their roar in- toned : "We are the Grafters, We are the Thugs, We are the Crooks and the Shorts and Ugs; We are the Preds And the wealthy Mais, We are the Corporation Pals; We are the Rebate Spoils Distributors. We are the Campaign Fund Contributors; The Meddling Mats, The Mollycods, T 80 THE TEDDYSEE The Standing Pats, The Salary Gods; The grubs of Gammon, The slaves of Mammon; The Pork-Keg Grabbers, The Cork-Leg Stabbers; The Senate-protected, Boodle-directed, Toothless, Truthless, Utterly ruthless, Soot-bad, Loot-mad Cogs unclean Of the old Republican Coin Machine. Har! Har! That's what we are! Huroo!!" Tedysses gazed a while with looks elate; Then said to Pluto: "This is simply great. When we get out of this It wouldn't be amiss To put an extra padlock on the gate. ' ' V. — The Elevator Descendeth tdth the Latest Load They struggled a while in a downward direction To a cave plainly marked. "Editorial Sec- tion." THE TEDDYSEE 81 Close to this portal Of terrors immoi-tal Covered with fetters Sat Bellamy Storer, Typewriting letters And looking still sorer. These billets, marked "Private," I blush to confess. Were quickly devoured by the fiends of the press. "In this busy department, " said Pluto to Ted, "You'll find a fresh editor lashed to a Post, With the Sun in his eyes and the World on his head " "We'll cut out this show," said Ted to his host. "Since I've got a long life on the Outlook before me, I'm weary of printers; and editors bore me." As Teddy thus spoke From the darkness there bounced An imp black with smoke Who distinctly announced: "There's a fresh load o' spooks of a serious natur' Jest bein' sent down by the west elevator. " 82 THE TEDDYSEE To the west elevator they speedily loped. The Victims poured out as the great door was oped And the first to arrive on the Stygian tarns Were Sherman and Lorimer, Woodruff and Barnes. "Well, boys," said Tedysses, "You've got to the place Where one seldom misses A popular face." Whereat the Big Four, with a sigh of regret, Lined up and delivei-ed this mournful quartet: Sentimental Song In the fields of our en-deav-or, when we worked in days of yore, We mowed down miles and miles of golden grain — Tra-la-la-loo! But to them Old Head-quar-ters we will ne'er go back no more. For happy days won't never come again. (Close harmony) The Same Old Gang sets silent round the empty ballot-box, Joe Cannon's picture's turned against the wall; THE TEDDYSEE 83 Their campaign buttons need a shine, and holes are in their sox As this refrain they warble thro' the hall: Chxyrns "The Old Machine is bursted, mother dear! There's a clothesline tied around the run- ning gear. Can't we coax some kindly Trust To relieve the wheels of rust? For the Old Machine is rotten. Mother dear! ! " VI — The Windlass is Again Hoisted \Veary of ghosts Ted turned his toughened tissues Back to the sunlit eai-th of living issues — The earth of platforms, policies and kings. And just about a million Other Things; The World of Struggles, where the human race, Being from toi-por shook. May learn at last to look Truth, the Magnificent Bromide, in the face. 4 DEC 31 1910 One copy del. to Cat. Div. 'Hf'IS''.