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 Copy 1 
 
 Getting Even 
 |L With Reggie 
 
 ^^^^ BY 
 
 SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 
 
 PRICE 25 GENTS 
 
 Eldridge Entertainment House 
 
 Franklin, Ohio Denver, Colo. 
 

 TWO PLAYS FOR BOYS 
 
 By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS. 
 
 Mr. Tibbais has been unusually successful in fur- 
 nishing boys' plays that introduce characters true to 
 life. While the plays are strong and forceful in the 
 lessons they teach, clean comedy predominates and 
 the boys like them. 
 
 '<The Millionaire Janitor" 
 
 A comedy in two acts. Here is a rollicking play 
 for eight or more boys with plenty of action. Just 
 the thing for a Boys' Class or Junior Y. M. C. AV 
 Easily staged and costumed. Opportunity for intro- 
 duction of musical numbers and recitations. By In- 
 troducing such features Jthe play may be used for 
 an entire evening's entertainment. 
 
 Price 2S Cents 
 
 «< 
 
 Up Caesar's Creek" 
 
 A splendid play for any number of boys. The 
 characters are real boys and the play deals with their 
 experiences while camping up Caesar's Creek the per- 
 formance closing with a minstrel show in camp. Cos- 
 tumes and scenery are not elaborate and the play may 
 be pro'duced on any stage. 
 
 Price 25 Cents 
 
 These comedies are protected by copyright, but 
 permission for amateur production is granted with 
 the purchase of the book. 
 
 ELDRD)GE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 
 
 Franklin, Ohio 
 
GETTING EVEN WITH 
 REGGIE 
 
 By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 
 
 Copyright, 1919. Eldridge Entertainment Hou*" 
 
 ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 
 
 FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO. 
 
^^"A 
 
 .^%^^ ! 
 
 1 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS ' /} °\ ' j 
 
 
 Reginald De Rigor,— Editor of The Lamp. 
 Jim Bates — the cheerful imposter. 
 Bob Warring, — originator of the scheme. 
 Harold Harcourt — the leading conspirator. 
 Walter Phillips — who helps things along. 
 Dorothy Davis — with a fondness for the stage. 
 Hazel Harding — who has it in for Reggie. 
 Nina Morgan — a tennis enthusiast. 
 Pauline Phillips — who adores authors. 
 Daisy Ford — who owns an automobile. 
 Harriet Howard — the studious one. 
 Vestalia Vernon — the frivolous one. 
 Gladys Granite — the unapproachable one. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 The afternoon tea on the Granite's lawn. The idea 
 is suggested. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Parlor at the Central Hotel. The idea advances. 
 
 ACT III. 
 Parlor at the Central Hotel. The idea is worked out. 
 
 OEC 221319 ^^'-^ ^'^"^^^ 
 
 wv^ 
 
Getting Even With Reggie. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Garden at the home of Gladys Granite. Lawn 
 setting. Two teatables R & L. Porch furniture ar- 
 ranged about stage. During this act the girls wear 
 pretty summer frocks, the boys duck trousers, dark 
 coats and straw hats. At rise of curtain Gladys, 
 Vestalia and Harriet are seated at table R. Toiver 
 bell off stage chimes four. This effect is secured by 
 striking a suspended steel bar with a mallet. 
 
 Gladys — Four o'clock. Well, I'll say those girls are 
 certainly fashionable. I told them three-thirty, and 
 they are past due half an hour. 
 
 Ves. — I saw Nina Morgan and Bob Warring over 
 on the tennis court as I came by. Nina never does keep 
 any engagements except to play tennis. 
 
 Harriet — And she never plays tennis with anyone 
 but Bob. 
 
 Gladys — Says the others aren't interesting. 
 
 Ves. — The goose. All men are interesting. 
 
 Harriet — I don't see how you can say that, Ves Ver- 
 non. I think all men are bores. 
 
 Ves — There is something wrong with the girl who 
 thinks all men are bores. 
 
 Harriet — Then there must be something wrong with 
 me. 
 
 Ves — Have your own way, Harriet. Nobody is 
 contradicting you. 
 
 Gladys — Well, I'd hardly say all men are bores. 
 
 Harriet — Let us amend the resolution by substitut- 
 ing the term selfish. 
 
•4 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Ves — Nor that either. Why, most of the boys about 
 Westfield are dears. 
 
 Harriet — Sorry I can't agree with you. They are 
 all absorbed in their own affairs and they treat us girls 
 like something to be tolerated. 
 
 Ves — They don't treat me that way. 
 Gladys — You are different, Ves. I've often won- 
 dered how you get along so well with all the boys. 
 
 Ves — Easy, Gladys. I love 'em all and let 'em know 
 it. I make them think I look up to them. I flatter them 
 and — 
 
 Harriet — lean upon them. 
 
 Ves — They like it, too. All men like to have a girl 
 look up to them. It pleases men to feel that they are 
 superior to women. 
 
 Harriet — Fiddle-dee-dee. Well, I never was much 
 for the clinging vine. I believe in woman standing 
 alone. 
 
 Ves — (rises and strolls about) I've noticed that 
 girls that feel that way usually do — stand alone. 
 
 Gladys — Girls. Don't spoil my tea-party before it 
 begins. Stop being nasty. Coming back to the first 
 proposition that all men are bores. I've only found one 
 in the class who might really be found guilty of the 
 charge. 
 
 Harriet — You mean Reggie. Excuse me, Mr. .Regi- 
 nald De Rigor. He is more than a bore. He is an ego- 
 tistical subterfuge. 
 
 Ves — Jiminy Christmas! An egotistical subter- 
 fuge! That must be something. You certainly are 
 learned, Harriet, to call a man that all in one breath. 
 
 Gladys — I've heard Reggie called a good many 
 things, but that certainly is christening him right. 
 
 Harriet — Thank you, Gladys. I'm glad somebody 
 agrees with me at last. 
 
 Ves — Oh, I'll second the motion. Reggie is certain- 
 ly all of that, but for a nice, easy term I'd call him a big 
 head. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 5 
 
 Harriet — An egotistical subterfuge sounds better 
 from a senior. 
 
 Ves — The valedictorian may use such language, of 
 course. But down at the foot of the class where I live 
 we call Reggie a swelled head. 
 
 Gladys — YouVe got to admit he is clever. 
 
 Harriet — Yes and sarcastic and critical and ironi- 
 cal and — and — 
 
 Ves — Demoniacal! There's a good one for your 
 string of nice adjectives about Reggie. 
 
 Gladys — Well, he is unkind. His item about Hazel 
 Harding in the last issue of The Lamp was positively 
 humiliating. 
 
 Ves — (sits) I didn't see it. What did he say? 
 
 Gladys — You remember the morning she came to 
 class with the stain on her waist? Hazel is always 
 scrupulously neat but her mother was sick and she had 
 to wait on her. That was why she was tardy. And when 
 she found her waist was soiled she was quite cut up 
 about it. But that smart editor, Reggie, hurt her still 
 further by a cheap rhyme in The Lamp that ran some- 
 thing like this: 
 
 "A girl should always look her best, 
 Be an example to the rest.- 
 Now Hazel's pardon I must beg 
 But girls look best without the egg" 
 
 Ves — Oh, he thought that was funny. 
 
 Harriet — He's always doing it. And he's so self- 
 sufficient. 
 
 Ves — Better and better, Harriet. Now he's a self- 
 sufficient, egotistical subterfuge. Believe me, that's call- 
 ing him. 
 
 Gladys — Well, I wouldn't mind seeing him made ri- 
 diculous just once before he leaves us. 
 
 (E'.iter Daisy Ford, R. 3 E. carrying parasol.) 
 
 Daisy — Oh, girls. I am so glad I'm not the last. I 
 thought sure I'd be late. Had an awful time. 
 
^ Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Gladys — What was the matter? 
 
 Daisy — (Puis down parasol and seats herself at tOn 
 hie L. and begins fanning vigorously) Everything. I 
 wanted to drive over in my car. 
 
 Ves — (aside to Gladys) You know she has a Ford. 
 
 Daisy — And when I went out to the garage — 
 
 Ves — (aside) Used to call it the barn. 
 
 Daisy — One of the tires was flat. After I had 
 changed tires I cranked and cranked and cranked and 
 the thing just wouldn't start. 
 
 Harriet — What did you do then? 
 
 Daisy — I gave up and walked. Before I left I had a 
 scene with father. 
 
 Ves — What was the row about, Daisy? 
 
 Daisy — Oh, Dad's crazy. This afternoon he started 
 putting a new roof on the house and I told him a week 
 ago the car needed new tires. 
 
 Harriet — Very inconsiderate of your father, 1 
 should say. 
 
 Daisy — You know he never was enthusiastic about 
 my getting a car. Makes me keep an expense account.. 
 Last night we were checking up and I had an item, M. P. 
 $84.36. "What's this M. P., Daisy? Moving pictures?" 
 asked Pa. "Do yoii think I'd spend $84.36 on movies?" 
 I said. "No, that's motive power." 
 
 Gladys — Meaning gasoline, I suppose. 
 
 Daisy — Yes. Where are the rest of the bunch? 
 
 Gladys — Late as usual. There ought to be a law 
 against girls always being tardy. 
 
 Harriet — It never could be enforced. 
 
 Ves — (looking off R.) Here come two more. 
 
 (Enter Hazel Harding and Pauline Phillips, R. 3 E.) 
 
 Gladys — TFe had about given you up. 
 
 Pauline— Vm so sorry, Gladys, but I just couldn't 
 lay down the book I was reading. It was wonderful. 
 Such a sweet, sad story and the hero was such a noble 
 fellow. Let me tell you about it. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 7 
 
 Hazel — (sits at table L,) Don't let her get started, 
 girls. You know how Pauline is when she begins to talk 
 about authors and novels. 
 
 Ves — Yes, Hazel, we all know. She's worse than the 
 girl who wants to tell you the story of a motion picture 
 play. 
 
 Pauline — (sits at table L.) Well, either habit is 
 preferable to talking about your neighbors. 
 
 Gladys — You should have been here a little sooner. 
 We had quite a pleasant discussion about Reggie De 
 Rigor. 
 
 Hazel — ^You surely didn't waste your time on that 
 poor simp? 
 
 Harriet — You don't like him, Hazel? 
 Hazel — I loathe him. If ever I get a chance to get 
 even with him, I'll make him squirm. 
 
 Pauline — I don't see why you all have it in so for 
 Reggie. He certainly writes well. 
 
 Hazel — With a brutality that is beyond pardon. 
 
 Ves — Oh, girls! Harriet has a new description of 
 the swelled headed editor of The Lamp. She calls him a 
 "self-sufficient egotistical subterfuge." Isn't that good? 
 
 Hazel — I'll say it is. Only it's too mild. 
 (Harriet has arisen and looks off L,) 
 
 Harriet — Hush! Here he comes now. 
 Hazel — I won't speak to him. 
 
 Ves — Let Harriet do the talking. She knows how to 
 handle him. 
 
 (Enter Reginald De Rigor L. He wears nose 
 glasses with a heavy blaxik cord, carries a cane and 
 looks very literary.) 
 
 Reggie — Good afternoon, girls. Sorry to have kept 
 you waiting. Really should not have come at all but felt 
 it a matter of duty to drop in and express my regrets. 
 Pained to miss this pretty little class reunion, but really 
 haven't time for mere frivolities. 
 
8 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Gladys — Oh. (coldly) So being nice to your most 
 intimate friends is a mere frivolity. 
 
 Reggie — (removes his hat and dabs at his forehead) 
 Friends are a nuisance when they interfere with one's 
 work. A young man has to get on in the world, you 
 know. 
 
 Ves — Sure. But he seldom gets far without friends. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I don't know. If a man intends to go 
 in for literature he must make up his mind to lead an 
 uninterrupted and rather lonely life. 
 
 Pauline — Quite right, Reggie. You will get on, I 
 feel sure. You write so beautifully. Oh, I do love 
 authors. 
 
 Reggie — Quite right, Pauline. Love them as a whole 
 but please don't fall in love with me. 
 
 Hazel — (aside) Listen to the snob. 
 
 Harriet — Don't flatter yourself, Mr. De Rigor. The 
 girls in our class are not likely to make fools of them- 
 selves. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I don't know. Somebody once said 
 "fools rush in where angels fear to tread." You are 
 none of you angels, so you see I really am in some dan- 
 ger. 
 
 Ves — You think pretty well of yourself, don't you, 
 Reggie? 
 
 Reggie — Every man should think well of himself. 
 But "I am not in the roll of common men." 
 
 Pauline — That sounds like Shakespeare. Oh, I do 
 love Shakespeare. 
 
 Reggie — A nice guess, Pauline. I am surprised at 
 times at your wide reading. You would make a good 
 critic for The Lamp. 
 
 Pauline— Oh, will you, Reggie? Will you let me re- 
 view books for The Lamp? 
 
 Reggie — I will — not. The Lamp is a one-man pa- 
 per. I feel perfectly competent to edit all its depart- 
 ments myself. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 9 
 
 Harriet — It might be more popular if you let some 
 one else write for it occasionally. 
 
 Reggie — More popular, yes. But the high standard 
 of the sheet must be maintained. 
 
 Daisy — Of course. Real news in The Lamp would 
 be as out of place as a curry comb in a garage. Don't 
 suppose you could use an automobile editor? 
 
 Reggie — I would as soon think of printing patent 
 medicine advertisements. 
 
 Ves — They pay well, don't they? 
 
 Reggie — Probably. But think of the sacrifice to 
 the literary reputation. No, I shall never commercial- 
 ize any publication with which I am identified. 
 
 Gladys — How do you expect to get on in the world? 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I'll get on all right. Never fear for 
 me, Gladys. 
 
 Ves — Yes, but how? 
 
 Reggie — Well, one very simple way for men of my 
 genius and talent is to marry money. 
 
 Hazel — (aside) Now, what do you think of that? 
 
 Gladys — You might succeed if some girl would take 
 you at the price you are really worth and then sell you at 
 the price you set upon yourself. 
 
 Pauline — Thomas Moore said something like that 
 once. 
 
 Reggie — Pauline! You really do amaze me. How 
 do you store away so much in that small head of yours? 
 
 Ves — Oh, the size of the head doesn't count. I know 
 one young man suffering from a very big head who has 
 very little in it. 
 
 Reggie — Naughty. Now you really thought that 
 was clever when it was only vulgar. The greatest ego- 
 tists are women. 
 
 Harriet — Perhaps. But the egotism of a woman is 
 always for two. She never is selfish. 
 
 Reggie — Really, Harriet, much learning has made 
 you mad. Don't get me started. You know my views on 
 woman and her place. 
 
10 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Ves — On your way, boy, on your way. You knoW 
 you only came to leave your regrets, and you are delay- 
 ing the tea. 
 
 Reggie — Thanks for my dismissal,Ves. So good of 
 you to excuse me. Ta ta, girls. Have a nice time with 
 your insipid tea and your silly gossip. "My only books 
 were woman's looks — and folly's all they've taught me." 
 (Puts on his hat with a bow.) 
 
 Pauline — Tom Moore said that, too. 
 
 Gladys — Sorry you must go, Reggie. 
 
 Reggie — (as he exits) Vain regrets, Gladys. The 
 pleasure is all mine. I've wasted too much time now. 
 (Exits h.) 
 
 Hazel — Of all the conceited toads. He's the biggest 
 in the puddle. 
 
 Pauline — Your quotation is not quite* correct. It's 
 the "biggest duck in the puddle" if I remember rightly. 
 
 Ves — Cut it out, girls. He isn't worth it. Let's 
 have tea, Gladys. 
 
 Gladys — (rising) I did want all the class to come 
 to my tea party but I guess there is no use waiting any 
 longer. I'll get the things. (Exits R. 2 E.) 
 
 Hazel — I'm glad Reggie didn't stay. He puts me on 
 edge with his conceit. 
 
 Daisy — He's just smart enough to marry some rich 
 girl and slip through life on her money. 
 
 Harriet — She would be an awful fool to spend her 
 money on such a gold brick. 
 
 Pauline — As Hamlet said, 'Xet the doors be shut 
 upon him, that he may play the fool nowhere but in his 
 own house." 
 
 Ves — You're just full of quotations, aren't you, 
 Pauline? 
 
 Pauline — Oh, I know a few. As Young said : "Some 
 for renown, on scraps of learning dote, and think they 
 grow immortal as they quote." 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 11 
 
 (Enter Nina Morgan, Boh Warring aiid Har- 
 old Harcourt, R. 3 Ej 
 
 Bob — Greetings, visions of loveliness. Hope we 
 haven't missed the eats. 
 
 Ves — Gladys has just gone to get them. You're 
 lucky, as usual. 
 
 Nina — That boy, Bob, the idol of the class, has been 
 simply beastly all the afternoon. Lucky is right, Ves. 
 He beat me three sets. (Sits at table Lj 
 
 Bob — And two of them her regular score was love. 
 
 Harold — Oh, don't rub it in on the poor girl. Bob. 
 
 Nina — He served villianously. Put the ball all over 
 the court. 
 
 Bob — But always just in the right place, Nina. 
 (Sits.) 
 
 Ves — Where were you, Harold? We have missed 
 you terribly. 
 
 Harold — Had to press my trousers. It is my valet's 
 afternoon off. 
 
 Daisy — You talk like Reggie. 
 
 Bob — By the way, where is Reginald? 
 
 Hazel — He has been here and left his regrets. 
 
 Pauline — Said he couldn't waste his time on us. 
 
 Harold — Had to write another epic for The Lamp, I 
 suppose. 
 
 (Enter Gladys, pushing tea-cart, containing, 
 tea, cups and plates of cakes.) 
 
 Bob — (jumping up) Permit me, Gladys. 
 
 Harold — (advancing to meet Gladys) Don't let him 
 touch it, Gladys. He'll smash all your pretty cups. 
 
 Gladys — Thank you both. I much prefer that you 
 be seated and let me wait upon my distinguished guests. 
 
 Bob — (dropping back into chair) So be it, I'm 
 rather weary. 
 
 Harold — I should think you would be, after playing 
 tennis with a girl all the afternoon. Such strenuous exer- 
 cise — beating a girl. 
 
12 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Nina — Well, it wasn't easy, Harold. 
 
 Bob — About the same as shooting fish. 
 
 (Gladys serves from the tea-cart. Ves and 
 Daisy carrying the cups to the others. During the 
 following dialog, all are busy with the tea ancL 
 cakes.) 
 
 Pauline — Speaking of Reggie. 
 
 Hazel — I didn't hear anyone speaking of the insect. 
 
 Harold — Insect! That's good, Hazel. Because he 
 stung you, I suppose? 
 
 Bob — He's stung us all on various occasions. 
 Daisy — He turned me down when I volunteered to 
 edit an automobile page in The Lamp. 
 
 Pauline — He taught me how to beg to write his 
 book reviews then taught me how a beggar should be 
 answered. 
 
 Hazel — All of which was nice and gentlemanly, 
 compared to the way he ridiculed me and my soiled 
 shirt-waist. 
 
 Bob — We ought to get even with him before com- 
 mencement. 
 
 Ves — Oh, I wonder if we could. 
 
 Bob — (rising and putting his cup on the tea wagon) 
 We ought to be able to hatch up a scheme to take him 
 down a peg. 
 
 Harriet — Nothing would give us more pleasure. 
 
 Pauline — As I recall reading somewhere in Virgil: 
 "Rise from my ashes, some avenger, rise." 
 
 Harold — I nominate Bob Warring for the Lord 
 High Executioner. 
 
 Nina — Atta boy, Bob! Make the proud Reggie bite 
 the dust. These are mighty good cakes, Gladys. May I 
 have another? 
 
 (Gladys passes plate of cakes to Harold, who 
 waits on all the girls.) 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 13 
 
 -Boh — The thing might be done. Let me think a 
 minute. (Goes to hack of stage and paces up and dotvn 
 in deep study.) 
 
 Yes — While the jury is out endeavoring to fit the 
 penalty to the crime, we might guess riddles. 
 
 Gladys — Or agree on a class motto. 
 
 Daisy — Why not decide on our class colors? 
 
 Harriet — Nothing is prettier than blue and gold. 
 
 Harold— Oh, I think pink and yellow are just the 
 dearest combination. 
 
 Ves — Stop your kidding, Harold. You always were 
 color blind. 
 
 Harold—Yon don't get the idea, Ves. Pink for you 
 ^irls and yellow for Reginald. 
 
 Boh — (coming down center) I believe Fve got the 
 ^)ig idea. 
 
 Ves — Shoot. 
 
 Gladys — Let's put the tea things away, so that we 
 €an give our undivided attention to the plot. 
 
 Harold — (as he gathers up the cups) And incident- 
 ally spare the china from destruction. Gladys has an eye 
 to looking after her property. 
 
 Harriet — (helping with the cups) If Bob has a 
 scheme to get even with Reggie, I shall join in most 
 heartily. 
 
 Ves — I, too, will lend a helping hand. 
 
 Boh — Come, gather around my noble conspirators, 
 and the plan I will unfold. 
 
 Hazel — Make it something humiliating, something 
 terribly awful. 
 
 ]^ina — How would it do to burn him in boiling oil? 
 
 Daisy— Don't waste the oil. I can use it in my car. 
 
 Boh — (as the others all sit, having drawn their 
 chairs around him) Silence. The meeting will please 
 come to order. 
 
 Pauline — Ought we have a secretary? 
 
i-4 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Bob — I should say not. There must be no record 
 made and all must take a vow of secrecy. 
 
 Harold— IVs all off. 
 
 Gladys — Now, Harold. Don't spring that stale one 
 about girls not being able to keep secrets. 
 
 Ninor— We'll promise to keep this one. 
 
 Ves — Cross our hearts. Hope we may die. 
 
 Bob — Now what is Reggie's greatest weakness? 
 
 Daisy — Pride. 
 
 Pauline — Conceit. 
 
 Ves — Stuck on himself. 
 
 Harriet — Vanity. 
 
 Nina — Egotism. 
 Gladys — Self esteem. 
 
 Hazel — His swelled head. 
 
 Harold — Ye gods! Anything else the matter with 
 the man? 
 
 Bob — Then we must make him ridiculous. He rath- 
 er prides himself on his winning ways. 
 
 Ves — Thinks he's a regular lady-killer. 
 
 Harold — Soak him on that, Bob. The girls would 
 just love to see one of the fair sex get the best of him. 
 
 Bob — The idea isn't entirely original. I recall an 
 old play written by a German. 
 
 Harold — Nothing doing! 
 
 Bob — I don't intend to put on the play. Just use 
 the idea. In the play, a very conceited chap was fooled 
 by a lady his enemies passed off as a Persian princess 
 who was supposed to have traveled all the way from her 
 native land to meet the distinguished author. His vanity 
 causes him to fall readily into the trap. He becomes 
 deeply smitten, accepts the Mohammedan faith, and goes 
 through a pretended ceremony with no small discomfort 
 to himself. After he has been made a sufficient fool of, 
 his enemies appear and the play closes with their jeers 
 and scornful laughter. (Pause) Well? 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 15 
 
 Harold — I don't get the connection. 
 
 Nina — Too deep for me. 
 
 Ves — No it isn't. I think I see the possibilities of 
 using the old play to get even with Reggie. 
 
 Boh — Good girl.. I knew somebody in our class had 
 brains. 
 
 Nina — But he would know any of us who tried to 
 pose as the Persian princess. 
 
 Boh — Sure! I give him credit for that much dis- 
 cernment. 
 
 Daisy — Well, how you going to put it across ? 
 
 Ves — Get a strange girl to come to Westfield and act 
 the part, of course. 
 
 Gladys — Must be some one Reggie has never seen. 
 
 Boh — Yes, and a dark girl of Oriental temperament. 
 Find the right girl and she'll have the time of her life. 
 
 Hazel — I've got her. Dorothy Davis, the elocution 
 teacher at Beaumont. Met her at Atlantic City last sum- 
 mer and we have corresponded ever since. She is com- 
 ing to visit me at Commencement. She's a good sport 
 and a clever actress. I know she'll come a week earlier 
 and I know she'll do it. 
 
 Boh — Fine! Now we want a couple of strange fel- 
 lows to help the thing along. Good, big huskies who 
 play the part of the traveling companions of the prin- 
 cess, her retainers, guardians, etcetera. 
 
 Harold — Jim Bates will answer. He is a cousin of 
 mine who is coming to Westfield next week to look over 
 the opening for a doctor. A fine fellow just out of med- 
 ical college and a good scout. Clever at amateur theat- 
 ricals and can play any part. 
 
 Ves — Good! We'll leave it to Jim. 
 
 Hazel — And Dorothy. 
 
 Harriet — But will Reggie fall for it? 
 
 Bo6— Fall? Don't we all fall for a pretty girl? 
 
16 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Pauline — I've got a cousin coming, too, next week. 
 Walter Phillips. He's in the navy. Been all around the 
 world. Going to spend his shore leave with us. 
 
 Boh — Great! The very chap. He can add the Ori- 
 ental atmosphere. Maybe this isn't going to be good. 
 
 Hazel— Oh, Reggie, Reggie. Woe unto you. 
 
 Boh — You get in touch with your friend, Dorothy 
 Davis, right away, Hazel. Tell her to bring a swell Ori- 
 ental outfit and as soon as you hear from her let me 
 know. 
 
 Hazel — Dorothy will make love to Reggie like a 
 house afire. Oh, I know she is going to enjoy it. 
 
 Boh — And you, Pauline, put me in touch with your 
 cousin the minute he arrives. I will want a long heart 
 to heart talk with him. 
 
 Pauline — I'll write him tonight and tell him to 
 bring all the Persian trinkets he may have. We will 
 want the real Oriental atmosphere. 
 
 Boh — Sure! Reggie is no fool and we will have to 
 put this thing on historically and absolutely correct. 
 And Harold, I'm counting a lot on your friend, Jim 
 Bates. He'll have to be the ambassador, minister pleni- 
 potentiary, and the special envoy of the princess from 
 Teheran. 
 
 Ves — Oh, Gee. It does begin to sound good. 
 
 Nina — If he only falls for it. 
 
 Daisy — If he does'nt we'll kidnap him and I'll carry 
 him off in my car. We've got to do something to him. 
 
 Boh — Now, listen! You must all take a solemn vow 
 or obligation not to reveal this plot. If it leaks out one 
 of us will be responsible. It would never do to trust a 
 soul. Reggie will fall for it if we work it right but if 
 we trust anyone besides ourselves he may get next. 
 
 Daisy — Can't I tell Professor Ahrens? He hasn't 
 any more use for Reggie than we have. 
 
 Boh — Not a soul. Are you all willing to take the 
 obligation? 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 17 
 
 All — We are. 
 
 Bob — Then stand up. Hold up your right hands 
 and place your left hands over your heart. (They stand 
 and assume position) Now say I, pronounce your names 
 in full and repeat after me. 
 
 All — I (each pronounces his or her name) 
 
 Bob — Do solemnly swear never to tell. 
 
 All — Do solemnly swear never to tell. 
 
 Bob — To any one in the world. 
 
 All — To any one in the world. 
 
 Bob — The plot we have to get even with Reggie. 
 
 All — The plot we have to get even with Reggie. 
 
 Bob — Cross my heart and may I die. 
 
 All — Cross my heart and may I die. 
 
 Bob — Cross your hearts. (They do so.) Amen 
 
 All — Amen. 
 
 Bob — Now, you*re sworn. 
 
 (Enter Reggie, L) 
 
 Reggie — What's the idea? I heard you practicing 
 something. Sounded like a chant or responsive reading. 
 Npt trying to put anything over are you? 
 
 Ves — I should say not, Reggie. We were just trying 
 to get a class yell. 
 
 Reggie — Don't do it. Of all the simple things, I 
 think a class yell is the simplest. Sounded to me more 
 like a prayer though. I thought I heard you say Amen. 
 
 Pauline. — Oh, no, nothing like that. 
 
 Reggie — Well, it was like that. Look here. I*m in 
 on anything you do. 
 
 Harold — Sure, old man. You're in on everything 
 we do. If we decide to do anything, believe me, we'll al- 
 ways let you in. 
 
 Reggie — Well, don't forget it. 
 
 All — No, indeed, Reggie, we'll not forget it. 
 CURTAIN 
 
18 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 ACT 11. 
 
 Parlor in the Central Hotel at Westfield. This 
 setting may be made as elaborate as the stage and 
 its equipment will permit. If possible use a center 
 door, fancy flat, boxed with doors R. and L. At rise 
 of curtain all the characters in the play except Reg- 
 gie are discovered. They are sitting and standing 
 about, with Bob, Dorothy and Jim in the center. All 
 are wearing ordinary street clothing. 
 
 Bob — Remember, Jim Bates, you are Zam-Zammeh 
 from now on. We have been over it all a dozen times. 
 Go get into your Persian dress suit and be ready when 
 Harold brings Reggie up to the hotel. And you, Miss 
 Davis 
 
 Dorothy — I won't play if you are going to continue 
 calling me Miss /Davis. I'm Dorothy or nothing. 
 
 Jim — Righto, Friend of the World and Eye of Beau- 
 ty. Let us indeed drop the distinctions of Western civi- 
 lization and assume the easy manner of the Orient. Fare- 
 well Miss Dorothy Davis, and the rest of you shameless 
 beggars, I go to array and to annoint myself for the 
 great change. When next I look upon thee, Light of the 
 Rosy Dawn, thou shalt be the Princess Bibi Miriam. 
 Wah-Wah. (All stand aside a^ he goes to center door.) 
 Which is my poor pronunciation of farewell in Persian. 
 (Boies very low) I go to Umballa. (Exit.) 
 
 Ves — You can go to Jericho. Just so you are back 
 on time. 
 
 B9b — Now, Harold, skip down to the sanctum sanc- 
 torum of the editor of The Lamp and be back here with 
 Reggie, as soon as you can. The rehearsal was satisfac- 
 tory and I am sure all will go well. 
 
 Harold — So be, Mahbub Ali. Thou hast spoken and 
 the dog of a slave obeys. As Jim Bates, alais Zam-Zam- 
 meh, said, "Wah, wah!" (Rmis off center door.) 
 
 Nina — Isn't it going to be great? 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 19 
 
 Bob — Perhaps. You never can tell. There is an old 
 Persian adage which says "There's many a slip 'twixt 
 the cup and the lip." 
 
 Pauline — That isn*t so. Aristotle said that in 
 Avitates. 
 
 Daisy — For goodness sake, Pauline, where do you 
 get that stuff? 
 
 Pauline — Why, as Byron said in "Childe Harold" in 
 canto II, stanza 6. "In my dome of thought, the palace of 
 the soul." 
 
 Walter — Please understand the rest of the Phillips 
 family is not afflicted in the same way. Pauline is the 
 only one that has it. 
 
 Bob — You had better be getting ready to play the 
 old priest. It will take you some time to make up and 
 we may need you in a hurry. Remember much depends 
 upon you. 
 
 Walter — I'm ready. Just one word of caution to all 
 of you. Don't make me laugh when it comes to the wed- 
 ding ceremony. It is going to be hard enough to get by 
 without any horse play. Be kind to your priest, oh, fel- 
 low conspirators. Wah, wah. (Exits center door.) 
 
 Hazel — (to Dorothy) You will soon meet the most 
 conceited fellow in Westfield. Don't let him put any- 
 thing over on you. 
 
 Harriet — He thinks he is as wise as an owl and we 
 are all counting on you making a pionkey of him. 
 
 Gladys — Oh, do not fail us. A girl like you can do 
 anything to a boy like Reggie. 
 
 Dorothy — Now listen, all of you. I'm going to do 
 my best, but it isn't going to be easy. I've played a few 
 parts in amateur theatricals but this thing of making a 
 man fall in love with you is an entirely different matter. 
 
 Bob — Not with those eyes. Miss Davis. I mean 
 Dorothy. After it is all over and Reggie has been made 
 a proper fool of, I'm going to fall in love with you my- 
 self. 
 
20 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Dorothy — Beware! I warn you I have no time for 
 foolishness. 
 
 Boh — Remember you are the Princess Bibi Miriam. 
 I'd rather you'd hang hard to that fact. I don't want 
 Dorothy Davis making eyes at Reggie. 
 
 Ves — Why, Bob, I do believe you're jealous. 
 
 Pauline — Beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the 
 green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds 
 on. 
 
 Dorothy — There's the girl that should play the prin- 
 cess. She can talk like a Persian. 
 
 Hazel — She can talk like anything, but she can't 
 act. 
 
 Nina — Come on. Harold and Reggie may get here 
 any minute and we've got to help Dorothy dress. 
 
 Gladys — Yes, come on girls. We mustn't waste any 
 time. (Exit Gladys, Nina, Hazel and Pauline.) 
 
 Daisy — We'd better go, too, Harriet. I'm crazy to 
 get into my slave-girl costume. 
 
 Harriet — If it only works, this will be one of the 
 happiest days of my sad, young life. (Exit Daisy and 
 Harriet. 
 
 Boh — Do you know, Dorothy, I meant what I said. 
 I hate to think of you letting that bonehead make love to 
 you. 
 
 Dorothy — Silly. It's all in the play, isn't it? And 
 to think I haven't even seen him. 
 
 Boh — All right. I'll go through. Be sure and help 
 us to put proper weight on your wonderful riches. It 
 isn't you Reggie is going to fall in love with. It's your 
 immense fortune. 
 
 Dorothy — It wasn't necessary to say that, Mr. War- 
 ring. But we shall see. Perhaps before I am through he 
 may love me for myself alone. (Goes to door.) 
 
 Bob — Aw, I say. You took me the wrong way. 
 Dorothy — Oh, no, I didn't. You've only put me on 
 my mettle. (Exit.) 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 21 
 
 Boh — Confound it! I've made her mad. She's a 
 dandy girl and a good scout. If she don't make a mon- 
 key of Mr. Reginald De Rigor, I'll eat my hat. 
 
 Harold — (outside) He said to meet him here. 
 That's all I know about it. 
 
 Bob — Great Scott! Here they come. (Rushes off 
 L. 1 E.) (Enter Harold and Reggie, center door.) 
 
 Reggie — I can't see why the fellow could not come 
 to my rooms or the office of The Lamp. I'm not used to 
 running after people. It is much more dignified and be- 
 coming an editor to make them come to you. 
 
 Harold — But he is such a strange fellow. He wears 
 some weird Oriental costume. 
 
 Reggie — That settles it. He is no doubt a patent 
 medicine fakir and you know how I hate them. (Starts 
 off and Harold catches him by the sleeve.) Let me go. 
 I've wasted enough time already. 
 
 Harold — Please, Reggie. Listen to me a minute. 
 The man is not a fakir. He is a gentleman. Anyone can 
 see that and I am sure the business upon which he wants 
 to see you is most important. Please sit down a minute 
 and I'll tell him you are here. 
 
 Reggie — Pretty soft, old boy. This is some hoax. 
 You are trying to put something over on me. Want me 
 to sit down and wait while you and my classmates hold 
 your watches and count how many minutes I'll play the 
 fool waiting for a distinguished gentleman in Oriental 
 costume. What do you think this is? April first? Not 
 much, Harold, old dear. You'll have to work harder 
 than that to make a fool of Reginald De Rigor. Get out 
 of my way, you simp. (Starts toward door.) 
 
 Harold — (in distress) Oh, please, please, Reggie. 
 Don't spoil everything. 
 
 Reggie — Spoil everything? So it was a joke, eh? 
 Well all I've got to say is you folks certainly underes- 
 timated me if you thought I'd fall for any of your silly 
 schemes. Give them all my love, Harold, and tell them 
 whenever they put anything over on Reggie they have 
 
22 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 got to change their ways. Good morning. (Goes to 
 door and meets Jim Bates in Persian costume and tur- 
 ban.) 
 
 Jim — (holds up his hand. Speaks with much dig- 
 nity) I beg your pardon. The stars should bow and pay 
 homage to the distinguished young American. 
 
 Reggie — (steps back) Who are you, sir? Are you 
 masquerading? 
 
 Jim — Would that I were. Indeed, no. I am an 
 American like yourself and I am proud of it. Neverthe- 
 less, I wear this foreign costume because it is my right. 
 I take it, sir, I am speaking to Mr. Reginald De Rigor, 
 the celebrated editor of an excellent class paper called 
 The Lamp. 
 
 Reggie — That is my name, and yours 
 
 Jim — Pardon me. What I have to say is in strict 
 confidence. May I ask this gentleman to leave us to our- 
 selves ? 
 
 Harold — Certainly. But perhaps you have forgotten 
 that you yourself asked me to bring Mr. De Rigor here. 
 
 Jim — A thousand thanks, my young friend. I 
 meant not to offend. But my message to Mr. De Rigor 
 is a strange one and meant only for his ears. 
 
 Harold — Of course. I beg your pardon. (Icily) I 
 have no desire to intrude. 
 
 Reggie — Stick around Harold. I may want a wit- 
 ness. This thing looks phony to me. 
 
 Jim — Then my effort is in vain, for my strict in- 
 junction was to speak to you in private. 
 
 Harold — Let him have his way, Reggie. I'll not 
 leave the hotel. If he tries to put anything over on you> 
 yell and I'll be in for the finish. (At door) You don't 
 suppose he's one of those Oriental thugs, do you? 
 
 Jim — (smiling) I mean no harm to your friend. 
 Perhaps I come to bring him great honors and good for- 
 tune. Leave us, I pray thee. (Bows.) 
 
 Harold — All right. But Reggie's one of us you 
 know and we stick together. (Exits.) ^^ ' 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 2S 
 
 Jim — Will you be seated, sir? (Ojfers chair.) 
 
 Reggie — (sits) May I ask you to be brief. My time 
 is limited. 
 
 Jim — Ah, time, my ambitious youth, was made for 
 slaves. If what I have to say interests you at all, it will 
 mean the end of marking time for you. 
 
 Reggie — (starts up) You threaten me. T am not 
 afraid of you. 
 
 Jim — Be seated, please. I can make it well worth 
 your while to hear me. 
 
 Reggie — (sits) What's the idea of the advertising 
 clothes? Advance agent for a show, or patent medicine? 
 
 Jim — (sits) I forgive you that. Later you will 
 apologize. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I'll apologize now if I'm wrong. But 
 a fellow who edits a paper goes up against all sorts of 
 games. 
 
 Jim — May I speak? And will you regard my reve- 
 lations in confidence? I must have your promise, other- 
 wise I am not at liberty to say more. 
 
 j^eggie— Cut out the mystery stuff. I joined a lodge 
 once. I promise never to reveal the secrets of this de- 
 gree. 
 
 Jim — As I told you, I wear this costume because it 
 is my right. I studied medicine, and gome years ago, 
 while with a certain emissary per varios casus, found 
 myself cast adrift in Persia. There I had the luck to be- 
 come household physician to the Prince of Erzeroum, 
 and at the same time was intrusted with teaching the 
 English language to his daughter, the princess, a beau- 
 tiful, intelligent and interesting girl. She found the 
 study to her taste, and no expense was spared in gather- 
 ing together and importing into Persia twenty camel 
 loads of the best English literature that she read or had 
 read to her. Her tender, sensitive feelings were some- 
 times wrought to so high a pitch that she was forced, 
 through pure delight and rapture to close her eyes. She 
 
, 2J!k Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 enjoyed all, praised many, but treasures only one. In the 
 mass of books and periodicals she found a copy of The 
 Lamp, and her favorite poem, my dear De Rigor, is one 
 you wrote entitled "So sweet love seemed." 
 
 Reggie — Yes, I recall it. "So sweet love seemed 
 that April morn, when first we kissed beside the thorn." 
 Truly, quite an honor, Mr. 
 
 Jim — In Te-he-ran I am known as Zam-Zammeh, 
 but before I left the States I was plain Jim Bates, of 
 Kalamazoo. 
 
 Reggie — Let me call you Zam-Zammeh, Sahib. 
 
 Jim — As you please. But to continue. Just as 
 Alexander the Great ever carried about with him in a 
 costly casket the works of Aristotle, so does the Princess 
 Bibi Miriam, of Erzeroum ever carry the copy of The 
 Lamp containing your poem, "So sweet love seemed." 
 
 Reggie — That is very flattering. 
 
 Jim — Oft have I heard her say, with a sigh: "Why 
 does not fate permit me to see this poet?" The charm- 
 ing princess little dreamed that the fulfillment of her 
 heart's desire lay so near. 
 
 Reggie — I do not understand. 
 
 Jim — Since my most gracious fellow countryman is 
 pleased to listen, I'll continue. The prince, her father, 
 became dangerously ill and at the end of a week, in spite 
 of my utmost endeavor to stay the hand of death, he sank 
 into a gentle and eternal sleep. The Princess Bibi-Mir- 
 iam inherited her father's domain, and as she henceforth 
 could do as she pleased, she was unable to withstand the 
 temptation of a trip to America in order to come face to 
 face with the man who wrote the poem she so greatly 
 treasured. 
 
 Reggie — What! The Princess Bibi Miriam, of Er- 
 zeroum, is really in America? 
 
 Jim — Even more than that. She has just arrived 
 in Westfield. 
 
 Reggie — On my account? This is indeed a great 
 honor. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 25 
 
 Jim — She longs to see no other person or thing. I 
 wished to show her many of our great attractions. The 
 National Parks, Niagara Falls, the Statue of Liberty, 
 our mountains, rivers, cities and lakes, but she refused 
 them all. Reginald De Rigor, editor of The Lamp, her 
 poet, is the only object of her heart's desire. 
 
 Reggie — (sitting erect and putting on his glasses) 
 I am overwhelmed with this honor. And do you act as 
 her interpreter? 
 
 Jim — Merely the interpreter of her heart, for the 
 English tongue has been so thoroughly mastered by her 
 royal highness that you can scarce detect the Persian 
 accent. 
 
 Reggie — So much the better. Ah, I will pay her a 
 ceremonious call. 
 
 Jim — A fitting invitation is the aim of my visit. At 
 the same time the princess delegated to me the honor of 
 handing you, as the custom obtains in Persia, this gift. 
 (Presents him with a ring set with a cluster of rhine-i 
 stones. The ring should be presented in a large plush 
 jeweler's box.) 
 
 Reggie — (takes it and gazes in rapture) I cannot 
 hope to — ah — such a costly, magnificent gift! 
 
 Jim — It is merely, if I am not mistaken, a forerun- 
 ner of many greater marks of favor on the part of her 
 royal highness. I know so well the charming Bibi Mir- 
 iam — a trifle too enthusiastic, her veins full of hot Ori- 
 ental blood — that I should not be surprised in the least, 
 to see you, my fellow countryman, before long decorated 
 with the Order of the Sun, and indeed honor you as my 
 master. 
 
 Reggie — As a matter of fact, Doctor Zam-Zammeh, 
 if modesty were not a virtue that I am inclined to over- 
 do, I really fear you might turn my head. The princess 
 is beautiful, you say? 
 
 Jim^-As beautiful as the dawn. As fair to look 
 upon as June roses bathed with dew. 
 
26 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Reggie — And these diamonds testify that she is 
 rich. 
 
 Jim — Beyond the dreams of avarice. She is a sov- 
 ereign princess. 
 
 Reggie — I hasten to prostrate myself at her feet. 
 Where may I find her? 
 
 Jim — We are stopping here at the Central Hotel. A 
 poor place, indeed, for one of regal blood, but the best 
 the village affords. 
 
 Reggie — Kindly assure the Princess Bibi Miriam of 
 Erzeroum that Reginald De Rigor, the poor American 
 poet, is devoured by desire to kiss the hem of her gar- 
 ment. 
 
 Jim — (rising) It is well. This embassy will win 
 for me some handsome reward. Pray await her sweet 
 presence here. I have no doubt she will see you at once. 
 (Bows low and exits c. Bj 
 
 Reggie — (rises and strolls about) What a strange 
 thing life is after all. What fine things may happen to 
 one who knows how to use his head and pen. This ring 
 seems to be of priceless value — tomorrow Til have a jew- 
 eler tell me its true worth. Reginald, you're a lucky chap. 
 A princess in love with you. That's going some, I should 
 say. I hope she will not be disappointed when she meets 
 me. And yet, how could she? I am young, a good fig- 
 ure, and I have talent. To think that I have appeared in 
 her sweet dreams and that she loves me for what I have 
 done. 
 
 (Enter Jim Bates c. D.^ 
 
 Reggie — Ah, she will see me? She is coming? 
 
 Jim — In just a moment. 
 
 Reggie — And what did the princess say? 
 
 Jim — ^Well, she said — nothing; she sighed — cast 
 down her eyes — threw herself upon a couch — glanced at 
 me with a blush — and then suddenly drew her veil to 
 hide her confusion. 
 
 Reggie — (highly pleased) It appears that Persian 
 ladies are not unlike our American girls. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 2T 
 
 Jim— Then she said: "Alas, Doctor Zam-Zammeh,. 
 I fear I was very foolish to leave my native land." 
 
 Reggie — (laughingly) Why so? 
 
 Jim — This I also asked with deep respect. "Cani 
 you ask such a question?" she replied. "The reefs of 
 the Caspian sea are less dangerous than your charming- 
 description." 
 
 Reggie — (shaking his finger at him) I fear youi 
 flattered me. 
 
 Jim — You will not object to submitting yourself to 
 Oriental custom? 
 
 Reggie — How's that? 
 
 Jim — By bending the knee when her royal highness, 
 appears. You know it is a tribute to which she is ac- 
 customed. 
 
 Reggie — You said, did you not, that the Princess is. 
 beautiful ? 
 
 Jim — Wondrously beautiful. 
 
 Reggie — Well, who would not gladly bend his knee 
 to such a charming lady? 
 
 ji^ — (goes to door) I wish you well, my fellow 
 countryman. She comes. 
 
 (Enter Dorothy, heavily veiled, in a rich Per- 
 sian costume. She is followed by Daisy and Har- 
 riet, also heavily veiled and in Persian costumes, 
 but of much less rich appearance. Reggie advances 
 to meet the priyicess in center of the stage and falls 
 upon his knees before her.) 
 
 Reggie — The happy mortal that your royal high- 
 ness has condescended to receive, lies at your feet. 
 
 Dorothy — Arise. I speak English not well, else 
 should I give you some charming compliments. 
 
 Reggie — (aside, rising) Already the sweet tones of 
 her voice make my heart thrill with rapture. 
 
 Dorothy— You are a great man— greater than our 
 poet Saadi. 
 
^8 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Reggie — It were easy to surpass him, were I per- 
 mitted to sing your charms. 
 
 Dorothy — I not beautiful — ah! Would that I were 
 it. 
 
 Reggie — Why is this jealous veil allowed to hide 
 your charming features? 
 
 Dorothy — You not flatter must. I want to talk of 
 your land — America — of poetry — I want to learn — large 
 voyage I maka to see you — you know everything — you 
 say everthing beautiful. 
 
 Reggie — You are too kind. From now I forget 
 •everything but you. 
 
 Dorothy — I love America — love romance — you talk 
 to me in poetry. 
 
 Reggie — That is very difficult; my poems are few 
 and far between. Oh, Princess, I know nothing but you. 
 
 Dorothy — But poetry? 
 
 Reggie — It is nothing to the light in your eyes. My 
 -verses are light, smoothly flowing and read well, I know. 
 But hereafter they shall be even better since all my 
 poems shall be of you. 
 
 Dorothy — See, Doctor Zam-Zammeh. I said well. 
 He alone in America, great man. 
 
 Jim — I have never contradicted you, my Princess. 
 (Bows very loiv.J 
 
 Dorothy— I so moved — so pleased. I know not how 
 to myself express. You take this pin. (Offers him stick 
 pin.) 
 
 Jim — (protesting) Most gracious princess, the 
 costliest stone in your father's treasure! 
 
 Dorothy — You keep peace. Not enough costly for 
 ReginaW De Rigor. n 
 
 Reggie — (takes pin) Your royal highness, I am 
 struck dumb. (Aside.) What a magnificent solitaire! 
 
 Dorothy — Each line of your writing is more worth. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie ' 29 
 
 Reggie — The ring you gave me and now this pin^ 
 are certainly very precious, yet, if I may dare to beg a 
 favor that has still greater value in my eyes— — 
 
 Dorothy — Dare, dare! 
 
 Reggie — If I may be permitted to raise that envious- 
 veil and look upon the beauty of a goddess. 
 
 Dorothy — You ask too much. In Persia I cannot 
 dare to unveil before a brother. 
 
 Reggie — We are in America, most gracious princess^ 
 Here the beauty of woman is not withheld from her 
 brothers. 
 
 Dorothy — But the Prophet 
 
 Reggie — The Prophet shall not learn a word about 
 it. 
 
 Dorothy — But, Doctor Zam-Zammeh. May I, think 
 you so? 
 
 Jim — The will of the princess is the will of her serv- 
 ants. 
 
 Dorothy — I can you nothing deny. (She unveils 
 herself and looks at Reggie languishingly.) 
 
 Reggie — What do I see? Has Venus arisen? Is. 
 Hebe reincarnated? (Aside.) By Jove, she's a stunner. 
 What do you think .of that? 
 
 Dorothy — One shouldn't trust the words of a poet. 
 
 Reggie — Not words, my princess, but the prompt- 
 ings of the heart. Your bewitched poet stands speech- 
 less before your beauty. 
 
 Dorothy — You are pleased? 
 
 Reggie — I'm knocked out. 
 
 Dorothy — I not understand. 
 
 Reggie — My eyes glow, my lips tremble. 
 . Dorothy — You like me? 
 
 Reggie — It is wonderful. Oh, Princess Bibi Mir- 
 iam, Goddess of the Far East, I throw myself at your 
 feet. (Kneels before her.) 
 
 Dorothy — (putting her hand on his head and wink- 
 ing at the others.) My poet should not humble himself. 
 
 Reggie— I acknowledge rrf^ slavery. My freedom is 
 gone forever. 
 
^0 • Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Dorothy — You would wear my chains? 
 Reggie — Always. Until death. 
 
 Dorothy — But what of me? I forget my domain, 
 Erzeroum, and also the mighty Sophi of Teheran, my 
 cousin. 
 
 Reggie — Love levels all ranks. It lays the shep- 
 herd's crook beside the scepter. Love forgets every- 
 thing. 
 
 Dorothy — Love! Reginald De Rigor. 
 
 Reggie — It changes gods into swans and princesses 
 into faithful wives. (Rises.) 
 
 Dorothy — My head swims — my royal blood grows 
 cold — I totter — I fall. (Falls into Reggie's arms.) 
 
 Reggie — I will support you — always. 
 
 Dorothy — (Drawing away) Oh, what have I done! 
 Am I crazy? Great Prophet! Doctor Zam Zammeh, 
 how can I save me from this dangerous man? Doctor, 
 follow me, give me a potion. I very ill. (She exits hur-. 
 riedly supported by Daisy and Harriet.) 
 
 Jim — (following them) Pray remain but a moment. 
 'Tis nothing serious. I will return. (Exit.) 
 
 Reggie — (Strolls about.) I know that 'tis nothing 
 serious. Such fainting fits are cured neither by potion 
 or prophets — a rapid triumph, as usual. I must follow it 
 up. Her princely pride must be laid low. This is a 
 stroke of rare luck. I have nothing to lose and every- 
 thing to gain. She is rich and beautiful and there can 
 be no doubt about her being gone on me. 
 
 (Enter Jim Bates, much excited.) 
 
 Jim — Alas ! What have you done, my worthy fellow 
 countryman. 
 
 Reggie — (sits languidly in chair and puts on nose 
 glasses) Oh, such things happen to me occasionally. 
 
 Jim — She is bathed in tears. 
 
 Reggie — All women cry. I'll dry them. 
 
 Jim — She is in despair. 
 
 Reggie — She will recover. They always do. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 31 
 
 Jim — She swears she cannot live without you. 
 
 Reggie — Then she shall live with me. 
 
 Jim — Thoughtlessly she cries: "I shall share my 
 throne with him." 
 
 Reggie — That may be. 
 
 Jim — But alas! 
 
 Reggie — (toying with nose glasses) Well, why the 
 alas! 
 
 Jim — Alas ! Alas ! 
 
 Reggie — Is she somewhat afraid of the Sophi of 
 Persia? 
 
 Jim — Not that. He is an old man, in his second 
 childhood; she can do with him what she will. 
 
 Reggie — So much the better. 
 
 Jim — But alas! 
 
 Reggie — Is she engaged to some prince? Some mar- 
 riage of state provided for? 
 
 Jim — Not that. She has shown until now an utter 
 indifference to all men. 
 
 Reggie — So much the better. 
 
 Jim — But alas ! 
 
 Reggie — Oh, the devil! What do you mean by this 
 perpetual alas? 
 
 Jim — Her royal highness Princess Bibi Miriam of 
 Erzeroum is a pious lady, who zealously submits to the 
 teaching of the prophet, and you, my most w^orthy fel- 
 low countryman, are alas ! an infidel dog. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, if it's nothing more than that' we'll 
 get around it easily. 
 
 Jim — What! you can make up your mind to 
 
 Reggie — Why not? 
 
 Jim — Wear the turban. 
 
 Reggie — Why not? (Rises.) 
 
 Jim — (impetuously embracing him) You great 
 man! Now I appreciate your liberal and unprejudiced 
 mind. I'll no longer conceal that the enamoured prin- 
 cess, accustomed to having her royal desires fulfilled at 
 
32 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 once, delegated to me the delicate task of sounding you 
 on this point. For she cried out in agony: **I would 
 rather die than marry a Christian." 
 
 Reggie — She shall not die. Tell her that I am quite 
 willing to believe anythink she desires. 
 
 (Dorothy laughs happily outside.) 
 
 Reggie — What was that? 
 
 Jim — She overheard us, and is laughing from pure 
 delight. 
 
 Reggie — May I go to her? 
 
 Jim — Not yet. She has sworn by All's grave to see 
 you a Mussulman or never to see you again. 
 
 Reggie — All right. Go tell her I'm a Mussulman. 
 
 Jim — First a trifling ceremony is necessary. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I say. Can't we cut it? 
 
 Jim — (shrugging his shoulders) No. We have in 
 our retinue an old orthodox priest who is also father 
 confessor to her royal highness. He'll attend to it. 
 
 Reggie — Can you guarantee that I'll get through 
 all right? 
 
 Jim — I'll give you the benefit of all my skill. 
 Reggie — Well, a throne is worth some sacrifice. 
 
 Jim — The ceremony is, in truth, somewhat vexa- 
 tious. 
 
 Reggie — Kings and kaisers must also often endure 
 them. It goes ! I'll get through. But hasten, for I am 
 burning with desire to make the beautiful princess 
 happy. 
 
 Jim — A moment's patience. (Exits.) 
 
 Reggie — (drops into chair) This is a matter of 
 princely domain. I should indeed be a fool if I hesitated 
 a second. The Sophi of Persia will be my uncle, and who 
 knows what may happen if we can put his sons out of 
 the way. Americans have won in foreign intrigues be- 
 fore and I am an American. Play the game, Reginald. 
 All Persia looms up large in your star of destiny. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
Getting Even With Beggie 8S 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 The curtain rises on Reggie sitting in chair as 
 he was at the end of Act II. The scene remains un- 
 changed as only a few minutes are supposed to have 
 elapsed. At rise of curtain there is a short interval 
 of silence, then the rythmic beating of an Oriental 
 drum is heard outside. This effect may be secured 
 by tapping a tambourine with a lead pencil. This 
 should be kept up throughout all scenes when Reggie 
 is on the stage during this act. 
 
 Reggie — (yawns and looks about.) They are com- 
 ing at last. I feel like I might be going to join the 
 Princes of the Orient. 
 
 (Enter Jim Bates still wearing his Persian 
 costume. Behind him enter Walter Phillips, dis- 
 guised as a Persian priest, Bob Warring and Har- 
 old Harcourt, wearing long flowing tvhite beards, 
 turbans low on the forehead, and robes. Bob carries a 
 large Oriental bowl containing water and a big 
 sponge. Harold carries an Oriental jar in ivhich is 
 a dish containing burnt cork. Jim is carrying a 
 censer in which joss sticks are burning. Walter has 
 a big book resting on a shelf suspended from his 
 neck. The book is supposed to be the Koran. They 
 enter through center door and parade once around 
 the stage to the beat of the drum outside. If an or- 
 chestra is used have Oriental music played softly. 
 On the second round they stop to the right of Reg- 
 gie forming a line.) 
 
 Jim — (swinging censer, hows low) Al Hejr! Al 
 Araf ! Al Ahkaf ! 
 
 Others — (bowing low and chanting) Mulle, mulle, 
 mulle. 
 
 Jim — (stvinging censer under Reggie's nose) Ser- 
 dinalla umidelda, femambriki. I am driving out the 
 evil spirits. 
 
3j^ Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Reggie— 'Th&riks. 
 
 Walter — (advances as Jim steps back into line) 
 Ali ! Ali I port o port. 
 
 Others — (chant and bow as before) Mulle, muUe, 
 mulle. 
 
 Walter — (takes wand from Jim which he has hith- 
 erto concealed in his robe and passes around behind 
 Reggie. Jim, takes book from Walter and reads.) Say: 
 O unbeliever, I will not worship that which ye worship; 
 nor will ye worship that which I worship. Neither do I 
 worship that which ye worship ; neither do ye worship 
 th^t which I worship. Ye have your religion, and I my 
 r?l ^ ion. 
 
 Others — (chant) Al Cawther, Al Hejr, Al Araf. 
 
 (Harold whacks Reggie three blows across his 
 back with the wand.) 
 
 Reggie — Here. Cut that out. 
 
 Jim — Peace ! Be still. Now he drives out the devil. 
 
 Reggie — (shaking his shoulders) He's pretty 
 rough about it. 
 
 Jim — Be patient or you may lose all. 
 
 Walter — (coming around in front of Reggie) Al 
 Cawthar, Al Laheb, Al Hotama, Al Hotama. (takes 
 sponge from bowl carried by Bob and holds it above 
 Reggie's head) Minkel-pinkel-tatta-pinkel. (Squeezes 
 sponge and water pours over Reggie.) 
 
 Reggie — Aw, I say. (wipes water out of his eyes) 
 
 Jim — Be quiet ! This is the essence of consecration. 
 
 Reggie — (sputtering) Well, it don't taste good. 
 
 Jim — (aside to Reggie) It's mostly salt water. 
 Won't hurt you. Let him have his way. 
 
 Walter — Ali, Ali, plasma murre. 
 
 Others — (jumping up and down) Al Hejr, Al Araf, 
 Al Ahkaf . 
 
 Walter — (dips his fingers in the burnt cork in jar 
 carried by Harold) Torra minkel, torra dedum. Ali 
 Cawthar. (Makes three black marks on Reggie's face.) 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 35 
 
 Others — (chant) Mulle, mulle, mulle. 
 Jim — Now he has annointed you. (Returns book to> 
 Walter) 
 
 Reggie — Will he soon have finished? 
 
 Jim — This part of the ceremony is over. We must 
 however go to the old priest's room for a moment where 
 you will be questioned as to your family, age, and so- 
 forth. A record will be made of your answers. 
 
 Walter — (rocking first on one foot and then on the- 
 other, he sings) Lidum, ladum, reebo, raybo. 
 
 ^Others — (doing the same) Moxa, moxa, ali kaboo.. 
 
 (Harold and Bob take Reggie by the arms. 
 Walter leads off and Jim follows after the others^ 
 They march once around the stage all chanting.) 
 All — Lidum, ladum, reebo, raybo. 
 Moxa, moxa, ali, kabo. 
 (Repeat until after they have all gone off R. 1. Ej 
 (Nina and Pauline stick their heads in on op- 
 posite sides of center door. Look about then tip- 
 toe on stage. They run about looking in all direc- 
 tions, then go back to door and beckon. Enter 
 Daisy, Harriet, Vestalia and Gladys. All the girls 
 ivear Persian costumes, ivhich may be bright fig- 
 ured kimonas with bright colored skirts. Each of 
 the girls ivears a white veil covering the face to the 
 eyes and a head dress well down on the forehead.. 
 The costumes may be a^ fantastic a^ desired but 
 none must be so elaborate as the one worn by Dor- 
 othy,) 
 Nina — They've gone. 
 
 Pauline — Thus we play the fool with the time; and 
 the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock usv. 
 Henry the Fourth said that. 
 
 Daisy — For mercy's sake, Pauline, cut out the quo- 
 tations. 
 
 Harriet — Everything seems to be going well. 
 Ves—K\\ but these veils. I'm about smothered. Let's; 
 take 'em off a minute. Untie me, Gladys. 
 
S6 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Gladys — (as the girls help each other in removing 
 veils) I'd rather be an American scrub-woman than a 
 Persian princess, if I had to wear a thing like this all 
 my life. 
 
 Nina — How do you suppose they do it? 
 
 Ves — (with her veil off) Gee, that's a relief. I 
 think this is as hard on us as it is on Reggie. 
 
 Daisy — Makes me feel like a spook at a Hallowe'en 
 party. (All the veils are off and girls stand looking at 
 each other.) 
 
 Pauline — (shaking her veil) With a vile mask the 
 Oorgan would disown, a cheek of parchment, and an eye 
 •of stone. 
 
 Harriet — The Persian women must be homely to 
 <jover up their faces so. 
 
 Gladys — But think of the talcum and rouge they 
 save. 
 
 Ves — Do you suppose a man ever kisses them? 
 
 Pauline — Teach not thy lips such scorn; for they 
 were made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt. 
 Shakespeare. 
 
 Daisy — Well, believe me, old Shakespeare knew. 
 
 Nina — And he had no use for veiled ladies. 
 
 Harriet — How long will they be gone? 
 
 Ves — Bob said only a few minutes but they would 
 tap the drum before they came back. We must not be 
 caught napping. 
 
 Gladys — What did they do to him? 
 
 Daisy — Just made a monkey of him. 
 
 Pauline — It was mean of Bob not to let us see it. 
 
 Harriet — But, ladies, the big show is not yet half 
 over. We have been promised that the best is yet to 
 come. 
 
 Ves — The poor simp. I'm beginning to feel sorry 
 for him. 
 
 Pauline — (goes up to Ves and scans her closely) 
 Tear falling pity dwells not in this eye. 
 
 Ves — I suppose that's Shakespeare, too. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 37 
 
 Pauline— Right. Richard III. Act four, scene 2. 
 Harriet— You make me tired with your learning. 
 Pauline— (turning to Harriet) Indeed? Much 
 learning doth make thee mad. 
 
 Harriet— I didn't say mad. I said tired. 
 
 Pauline — I think it was La Rochefoucauld who said 
 in his "Reflections and Moral Maxims": "Lovers are 
 never tired of each other, though they always speak of 
 themselves." 
 
 Ves — Can you beat it? Why don't you compile a 
 dictionary of quotations and get Reggie to print it? 
 
 Pauline — Reggie won't speak to any of us after 
 this thing is over. 
 
 Daisy — What? Never more. 
 
 Gladys — Oh, yes he will. And he'll be all the better 
 for it. 
 
 Harriet — It ought to do him good. 
 
 Nina — I have no hopes whatever. Reggie was too 
 far gone — on himself. 
 
 Ves — He swallowetl the bait — hook, sinker and all. 
 
 Daisy — The poor fish, 
 
 (Enter Bob R. 1. E. carrying his beard in his 
 hand and laughing heartily.) 
 
 Girls — (rushing about him) What are they doing 
 now? 
 
 Bob — That fellow, Jim Bates is a star. If you 
 could only hear him gleaning the facts in Reggie's past 
 life. 
 
 GiWs— Tell us about it. 
 
 Bob — There are some things a fellow can't tell. But 
 Reggie is cetrainly being hauled over the coals. He 
 said he was born of poor but honest parents. 
 
 Ves — Did he pull that one? 
 
 Bob — He did. And Jim wrote it down and never 
 cracked a smile. 
 
 Bob — When Jim asked him if he had ever said he 
 would marry for money the poor simp muttered some- 
 thing about love in a cottage. 
 
38 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Nina — The cheerful liar. 
 
 Gladys — Don't you think he is next? 
 
 Bob — Absotively not. He's fallen for it hard. 
 
 (Enter Dorothy and Hazel carrying their veils) 
 Dorothy — Oh, girls. I've got a big idea. 
 Bob — Don't spring anything new. The thing is 
 going too good to spoil. 
 
 Dorothy — But this will make a fine climax. 
 
 Ves — Let's hear it. 
 
 Dorothy — I'm going to change places with Hazel 
 for the finish. 
 
 Hazel — It's Dorothy's idea, not mine. 
 
 Dorothy — Then when he lifts the veil he'll find Ha- 
 zel and we'll have an extra laugh on him. 
 
 Bob — Maybe Jim won't like it. 
 
 Dorothy — ^We are taking no chances. You know I 
 am not to speak until after the ceremony is all over. 
 
 Daisy — It's all right. It will only mean another 
 jolt for Reggie. 
 
 Bob — As you please. Better hustle and change your 
 robes. They're about through in there. 
 
 (Enter Jim, greatly excited R. 1. E.) 
 
 Jim — He's coming to. I don't know whether we 
 can hold him to the end. 
 
 Dorothy — What do you mean? 
 
 Ji7n — He's getting suspicious. Says he won't go on 
 any further until he has had another look at the Prin- 
 cess Bibi Miriam. I'm getting shaky, Harold almost 
 spilled the beans by laughing and pretending it was a 
 sneeze. 
 
 Dorothy — We girls l;iaven't seen any of the fun. It's 
 got to go on. 
 
 Jim — Will you see him? 
 
 Dorothy — Sure. Get out all of you, and send him in 
 alone. I'll give him the third degree all by myself. You 
 can listen outside but keep out of sight and don't any of 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 39 
 
 you dare laugh. When I clap my hands three times, 
 Jim, you come in. I'll lash him to the mast so he can't 
 get away. Vamoose, all of you. 
 
 (All off center door but Bob who exits R. 1. E. 
 and Jim, who remains.) 
 
 Dorothy — You think he's getting wise? 
 
 Jim — Shows signs of bucking. Wants an interview 
 before proceeding. 
 
 Dorothy — You've been too rough with my poor poet. 
 All right, send him in. I guess I can get away with it. 
 But call back Daisy and Harriet first. 
 
 (Exit Jim c. D.) 
 
 Dorothy — Here's where I get my share of the fun. 
 I had hoped something like this would happen. If I can't 
 fool that smart young man I'd better give up thinking 
 of being an actress. 
 
 (Re-enter Jim with Daisy and Harriet.) 
 
 Dorothy — Now listen, girls. Your Reggie is grow- 
 ing suspicious. He is to be granted an interview with 
 the princess. I rather expect him to insist on its being 
 private. But you are to remain as long as we can get 
 away with it. When I dismiss you, make your pro- 
 foundest bows and disappear. 
 
 Jim — Go to it, girls, it's up to you. I'll send him in. 
 
 Dorothy — One moment, Dr. Zam-Zammeh. Per- 
 haps it would be best to have Walter come too. It would 
 seem more regular. I'm ready. 
 
 Jim — (bowing low as Dorothy seats herself in the 
 chair and Daisy and Harriet take places behind her. All 
 have their veils on.) Your will is law, most adorable 
 Princess, I will send the victim into thy sweet pres- 
 ence. 
 
 Dorothy — Get out. 
 
 Jim — (as he exits) I'm out. 
 
 Dorothy — I think this is going to be good, girls. 
 But don't either of you dare laugh, no matter what hap- 
 pens. Remember it's serious and to gain our end, I 
 
J^a Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 must convince this Reginald chap that I am not what I 
 am. 
 
 Daisy — He's a vain, conceited flirt. 
 
 Harriet — He'll believe anything you tell him. 
 Dorothy — Be quiet. They are coming. 
 
 (Enter Reggie, Walter and Jim) 
 Jim — I have arranged, my fellov^^ countryman, for 
 you to see the Princess Bibi Miriam. She will speak 
 with you. But I warn you that her customs are not your 
 customs and you must be careful. 
 
 Reggie — Oh, I'll treat her in a manner due her sta- 
 tion. May I see her alone? 
 
 Jim — As to that, I cannot say. I'll ask. (Turns to 
 Walter.) Ali kaysayda, de-i-dum, wollo arah bakanoif 
 ditsum. 
 
 Walter — (sternly) Wusha, wusha, deodorum kanti. 
 al karaf al pintum wuxi. 
 
 Jim — (turns to Reggie) He says it is most un- 
 usual, but if the Princess wishes it he will withdraw. 
 Reggie — Well, I wish it. 
 
 Jim — Pardon, my fellow countryman, you are not 
 the one to be considered. 
 
 Reggie — Is that so? How far do you expect a self- 
 respecting American to let this foolishness continue? 
 
 Jim — (going wp to him) Sh-h! Have a care. I 
 know how you feel and as one American to another I 
 don't care a darn myself. You have grown impatient,, 
 but why spill the beans if a little more humility will, 
 win you a beautiful wife and much riches. 
 Reggie — There's something in that. 
 Jim — I'll say there is. I've lived in Erzeroum and 
 I know the Oriental ease and comforts. They've got it 
 all over our American system of grinding toil. Besides, 
 I'd like to have a good fellow like you go back with us.. 
 Don't throw your chance away. 
 
 Reggie — The whole thing seems like a dream to ma. 
 It doesn't look regular. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie 41 
 
 Jim— It isn't regular. It is most unusual. I'll 
 :grant that. But there are no strings tied to you. You 
 can walk out of here any time you please. It's up to you. 
 (Walks away.) 
 
 Dorothy — Something my poet does not please. Will 
 he not speak? Perhaps some help I may. 
 
 Reggie — As somebody in Hamlet said "I smell a 
 rat." 
 
 Jim — You're a fool. 
 
 Dorothy — I not understand. What is it you would 
 do? 
 
 Reggie — I would speak alone with you, Princess. 
 
 Dorothy — Ah, can that be, Doctor Zam-Zammeh? 
 
 Jim — If you so wish, my Princess. 
 
 Dorothy— Then let it be so. Tell Al Kordah depart. 
 Zam Zammeh ullah dellah turmah boka. 
 
 Jim — (turns his back to Reggie and stuffs fist in 
 his mouth) Yes, my Princess. (Pulls himself together 
 and crosses to Walter) Didum dactum wagee. 
 
 Walter — (goes to Dorothy and bows law) Agga 
 woogie al cantata duo dictum simper alius. 
 
 Dorothy — (points to exit) Waudana del dorto moxi. 
 (Walter backs off R. 1. E. bowing low.) 
 
 Jim — I will go with him, my Princess, I fear his 
 feelings are deeply hurt. Remember he loves you much. 
 I will return at your bidding. (Bows. As he passes 
 Reggie) Don't spoil it all. (Exit R. 1. E.) 
 
 Reggie — (aside) That's what Harold said when 
 this strange performance began. Well, they've got to 
 show me. 
 
 Dorothy — Have I pleased you? 
 
 Reggie — You are very kind. Princess. But there is 
 much I do not understand. 
 
 Dorothy — It is not for us to understand, my poet. 
 The Prophet alone, of all true believers hath understand- 
 ing. 
 
 Reggie — It is all so — so — unusual. 
 
42 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Dorothy — You mean — me — my — coming big voy- 
 age — long way — to find you? 
 
 Reggie — Yes, that's it. How do I know it is not 
 some hoax. 
 
 Dorothy — Hoax? Moxi doodum al deerodum. I no 
 not that word hoax. 
 
 Reggie — May we not be alone, Princess? 
 
 Dorothy — Tkese girls, slave girls. They no under- 
 stand English. 
 
 Reggie — But I would speak for your ear alone. 
 
 Dorothy — I have sent all men away. Even Al Kor- 
 dah, my confessor. It is not our custom to be alone 
 with brother. 
 
 Reggie — It is different in America, Princess. Here 
 when a man loves a woman he wants her to himself. 
 Dorothy — You — love — me ? 
 Reggie — I would, if you'd let me. 
 Dorothy — (to girls, pointing c. i>.) Waudana del 
 dorto moxi. 
 
 (Harriet and Daisy bow low and back off At 
 c. D. they shake their fists at Dorothy, as they exit. 
 Reggie's back is totvard them.) 
 
 Dorothy — What more to please this man so hard to 
 please. 
 
 Reggie — (advances and stands in front of her) I 
 would see your face again. Take off the veil. 
 
 Dorothy — (haughtily) I am not used to hear my 
 brothers speak so. In Persia my rank is high. I like 
 not to be command, 
 
 Reggie — I do not command. Forgive me. I entreat. 
 It is all so strange. You cannot blame me. 
 
 Dorothy — Oh, my De Rigor, you know not the heart 
 of women of the East. We deny nothing. 
 
 Reggie — Please then, may I look again upon you? 
 
 Dorothy — You believe not. You have no faith. 
 Hath not the story of the hosts of Pharoah and of Tha- 
 mud reached thee? In the Orient we are not like you 
 of the West. We believe. 
 
Getting Even With Reggie US^ 
 
 Reggie — I know. That's all right for you, Princess. 
 
 Dorothy — (lets fall her veil) My poet know not. 
 He write beautiful but his heart is not filled with faith.. 
 
 Reggie — (aside) She is at least a stranger. I 
 have never seen her before. (Aloiod) Forgive me, my 
 Princess. I will do all that you ask. (Aside) By Jove, 
 she is worth it. 
 
 Dorothy — I ask for myself nothing. I give all that I 
 possess to you. The brothers of the East are hard. I 
 want American gentleman to care for me. My poet who 
 will write beautiful and go to my land and my people. 
 (Rises) If you do not care, I go away. I have myself 
 already made too humble. 
 
 Reggie — Be seated, Princess. I will explain. I do 
 care. In America we are different. 
 
 Dorothy — (sits) I have said all. We live by faith 
 in Erzeroum. 
 
 Reggie — I will, do as you say. You are so innocent, 
 so frank, I must believe in you. 
 
 Dorothy — It is well. I ask only that you become. 
 Musselman. It is the law with us. 
 
 Reggie — I'm taking the degrees. 
 
 Dorothy — What you mean — degrees? 
 
 Reggie — I'm absoring the faith. What next? 
 
 Dorothy — Al Kordah show you the way. (Rises). 
 You follow him to the end. I will repay. 
 
 Reggie — I will do as you wish, my Princess. Bu^ 
 you too, should have faith. May I not touch your lips 
 before we part? (Advances toivard her.) 
 
 Dorothy — (hastily puts veil before her face) It. 
 cannot be. No brother touch Persian maids' lips before 
 marriage. (Claps her hands three times and Jim enters 
 instantly R. 1. E.^ He will follow our custom. He be- 
 lieves. 
 
 Jim — (takes Reggie by the arm) It is well, my fel- 
 low countryman. The remainder of the way is shorts 
 (They exit R. 1. E.; 
 
jfU Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Dm'othy'^So, Mr. Reginald De Rigor you're one of 
 those wise guys from Missouri. You want to be shown, 
 do you? All right, girls, on with the dance. (Exits c. D.) 
 
 (Pause of a few seconds during which tap of drum 
 is heard.) 
 
 (Enter the procession in the same order in 
 which thsy made their exit R. 1. E. Walter first with 
 the hook, Reggie next, still wearing marks on his 
 face. Boh carries a turhan on a pillow, Harold a 
 Persian rohe. Jim comes last hearing a long tohac- 
 eo pipe. They march ahout the stage all chanting 
 the words, "Lidum, ladum, reeho rayho," etc. The 
 girls fall in behind and chant tvith them, all rocking 
 first on one foot and then on the other. After march- 
 ing once around the stage they take position in cen- 
 ter and all is still.) 
 
 Reggie — I must say, my dear doctor, that this cer- 
 emony is getting on my nerves. 
 
 Jim — (consolingly) I know it may seem silly to 
 you, but whatever your dignity may have suffered your 
 future fame will more than make up for. It will soon be 
 over now. 
 
 Walter — (sternly) Ali merlino cedrino bambino. 
 
 Harold — (puts robe over Reggie's shoulders, bow- 
 ing low) Pintschura salmasi kalock. 
 
 All — (chant) Mulle, muUe, mulle. 
 
 Reggie — Your humble servant. Some bathrobe! 
 
 Bob — (places turhan on his head, hows low) Mel- 
 fonta zambeese krutshuk. 
 
 All — (chant) Mulle, mulle, mulle. 
 
 Reggie — Thanks again. I feel like the most excel- 
 lent high potentate in the seventeenth degree. 
 
 Jim — (aside to him) Be quiet. The Persian is 
 -very sensitive. If they thought you were making fun 
 of their ceremony 
 
Getting Even With Reggie U^ 
 
 Walter — Ali perlundi korlandi Al Cawthar, AL 
 Hejr, Al Araf, Al Lahe'j, Al Hotama. (Takes pipe- 
 from Jim.) Ali maldossa paffoso. (Presents pipe to 
 Reggie.) 
 
 Reggie — Kindly receive my thanks. Is it done at 
 last? 
 
 Jim — All but the congratulations. 
 Reggie — I'll dispense with them. 
 Jim — Ah! but you do not know our old priest. 
 He'll not spare you one bit of Ihe ceremony. All must 
 be done according to Hoyle. 
 
 Walter — (raises both hands and sings as he wad- 
 dles around Reggie.) Mili bona tango menas. Mene^ 
 mene, lidum ladum. 
 
 (Bob comes forward to greet Reggie just as 
 Walter gets directly behind him. Walter gives 
 Reggie a push and sends him flying into Bob's arms. 
 Bob turns him about and pushes him over to Har- 
 old. Harold gives him a push to Jim. The chanting 
 has been kept up by all. Jim siezes him by both 
 hands and holds him off.) 
 
 jiyyi — Now, my fellow countryman, all is happily 
 ended. 
 
 Reggie — I — I — almost lost my patience. 
 jiyYi — The gates of Paradise open. 
 
 (The girls, who have been lined up across rear 
 of the stage, now march three to the right and 
 three to the left. Bob and Harold go up and stand 
 one on each side of the door. Jim has drawn Reg- 
 gie to the right center. Walter goes up to door to 
 meet Dorothy and Hazel. During this action all 
 chant.) 
 
 All— MuWe, mulle, tekle, tekle, 
 Lidum ladum, reebo, raybo. 
 Al Laheb, Al Hotama. 
 • (This movement should be done with solem- 
 nity and dignity. The chanting kept up until Hazel 
 
M Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 and Dorothy, who have changed robes, are on and 
 have come down to center of stage facing Reggie 
 and Boh. Walter remains at door. On entrance 
 of Princess all how low, keeping up the chant.) 
 
 Reggie — Most gracious princess, may the great 
 prophet ordain that I, in this new costume, find favor in 
 your eyes. 
 
 Hazel — (nods hut does not speak.) 
 
 Walter — (comes down and stands between Reggie 
 and Hazel) Sarabanda mallorama parsi brumalla. 
 
 Jim — (aside to Reggie) He is granting the prin- 
 cess permission to become bethrothed to you. 
 
 Walter — (raising his hands) Agga pegga umidilla. 
 
 Jim— But first the dowry and morning-gift must 
 be exchanged between you. 
 
 Reggie — The dowry? 
 
 Jim — Yes; you see the gentlemen of the bedcham- 
 ber are getting the dowry ready in another room and 
 you will return with us richly laden, I warrant. 
 (Harold and Bob exit C. D.) 
 
 Reggie — But the morning gift. What is that? 
 
 Jim — That is expected from the bridegroom. 
 
 Reggie — (pulling Jim aside) My friend, I am 
 ashamed to acknowledge it, but I have nothing to offer 
 except my heart, my hand and my fame. 
 
 Jim — More than enough, my fellow countryman. 
 The Princess Bibi Miriam is indeed fortunate to win 
 you. Still something must be done. Out of respect to 
 our retinue, all of whom are genuine old-school Per- 
 sians, I sincerely trust that you will submit to this last 
 formality. 
 
 Reggie — I would most gladly, but 
 
 Jim — Have you nothing about you? No gold, or 
 trifle of value? 
 
 Reggie — I have my watch and a five-dollar bill. 
 
 Jim, — That'll do. It's only a question of a trifling 
 formality in keeping with a Persian custom. Let me 
 liave them. (Reggie gives his watch and hill to Jim.) 
 
Getting Even With Reggie U7 
 
 (Harold and Bob bring in a large casket cov- 
 ered with a rug. As they place rug and casket on 
 the stage, Jim offers the ivatch and bill to Hazel. 
 She shakes her head and refuses to accept them.) 
 
 Reggie — (as Jim comes back to him) The princess 
 scorns my humble morning gift. What shall we do, Doc- 
 tor Zam-Zammeh? 
 
 Jim — Oh, no. It's all right, but I have made an 
 error. The morning gift must be placed in the hands 
 of the priest, who will make a proper use of it at the 
 right time. (He hands watch and bill to Walter.) 
 
 Reggie — Are all difficulties now over? May I at 
 last boldly raise this veil? 
 
 Jim — You may. 
 
 (As Reggie approaches Hazel her veil is 
 thrown back by Dorothy.) 
 
 Reggie — What is this? Why, Hazel, how did you 
 get here? 
 
 Hazel — Oh, I've been here all the time, Reggie. Let 
 me present my friend. Miss Dorothy Davis, late Prin- 
 cess Bibi Miriam, of Erzeroum, Teheran. 
 
 (Dorothy removes veil and steps forward.) 
 
 Reggie — It was a hoax. How dare you 
 
 Bob — (pulling off beard) Too bad, Reggie. The 
 dream is over. 
 
 Harold — (pulling off beard) And to think you fell 
 for it. 
 
 Reggie — (throwing turban on the ground) But _ 
 didn't. 
 
 Girls — (taking off veils, all together) Oh, yes you 
 did, you know you did. 
 
 Reggie — (stepping out of robe) I'll get you all for 
 this. 
 
 All — Mulle, mulle, mulle. 
 
 Reggie — It was low down. It was mean. 
 
 Bob — Not meaner than the things you have writ- 
 ten. • 
 
48 Getting Even With Reggie 
 
 Reggie — It was unkind. 
 
 Hazel — Not so unkind as the things you have said. 
 
 Reggie — You've made a fool of me. 
 
 Ves — You did that yourself, long ago, Reggie. 
 
 Reggie — I'll get my revenge. 
 
 Gladys — Meet these boys, Reggie. Jim Bates and 
 Walter Phillips. 
 
 Reggie — I don't want to meet any of you again. 
 
 All — Mulle, mulle, mulle. 
 
 Reggie — Where's my watch and the five dollars? 
 
 Nina — You can have your watch. The five dollars- 
 goes for ice cream sodas. 
 
 Dorothy — Yes, you earned it, getting even with 
 Reggie. 
 
 Daisy — Come on, let's all go down to (name of 
 local ice cream parlor). Reggie's going to treat. 
 
 Jim — (takes Reggie by arm) Come. I like to 
 know a good fellow like you. Don't spill the beans. Let's, 
 go. 
 
 (All form a procession with Reggie and Jim 
 last, and march off c. D. using the rocking step as 
 before and singing:) 
 
 All — Lidum, ladum, reebo, raybo. 
 Moxa, moxa, ali, kabo. 
 
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