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 1903 
 
 

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" ■ ■ " - " ■ ■ " " . — ' ' " " -■ ■ ■ ■ ■ I 
 
 THE P 
 
 PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
SHOEMAKER'S 
 
 BEST SELECTIONS 
 
 For Readings and Recitations 
 
 Numbers I to 26 Now Issued 
 
 paper Binding, each number, 30 cents 
 
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 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 983 Arch Stawet, Philadelphia 
 
On Account jt& ^ 
 & & of the Lobster 
 
 A Farce in One Act 
 
 By Robert C. V. Meyers 
 
 cAutbor of "cA Lady's Note/' "Tell Your Wife/' etc. 
 
 ■ > ' > 
 
 ; 
 
 i 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 
 THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
 1 © O 3 
 
] THE LIBRARY OF 
 CONGRESS, 
 
 Two Copies Received 
 
 JUN 26 1303 
 
 Copyright Entry 
 <fcLASS ^ XXc, No 
 \ COP Y B/ 
 
 " 
 
 
 Copyright 1903 by The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 On Account of the Lobster 
 
On Account of the Lobster 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS 
 
 Albert Langton, . . who attends the dinner. 
 
 Grace, his wife, who demonstrates the effects of the dinner. 
 Fiddler, . . who delivers for a department store. 
 Serina, . the maid, who delivers him from a predicament. 
 
 COSTUMES 
 
 Langton. Morning clothes, including lounging jacket ; 
 head tied in towel. 
 
 Fiddler. Working suit with cap. 
 Grace. White gown and ribbons. 
 Serina. Blue stuff frock, cap and apron. 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 Six bandboxes ; six chairs ; call bell. 
 
 Time in Representation : — Forty Minutes. 
 
On Account of the Lobster 
 
 SCENE. — Sitting-room, or parlor. Table ivith bell on it. 
 Sofa, two or three armchairs. Entrances, C. and L. 
 Window, R. Serin a arranging the room. 
 
 Serina. Such a temper as Mr. Langton is in ! Missus 
 says he never can eat lobster without getting a headache, 
 and last night he went to a lobster dinner at the club and 
 had lobster Newberg, lobster cutlets, lobster salad, and 
 lobster every other way. Just like a man. Poor missus, I 
 do pity her. 
 
 {Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton {nervously). Serina, a hat may come 
 this morning from the new department store. Mr. Langton 
 is not feeling very well, and I'd rather he knew nothing 
 about it — he is so nervous. If it should come just carry it 
 to my room. It may have arrived already. Go and see, 
 please. 
 
 Serina. I think it's not come, ma'am, because Mr. 
 Fiddler is the driver in this district for the new store, and 
 he's a friend of mine and — and usually asks for me, when 
 he calls here. But I'll go and see. 
 
 {Exit Serina, c.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I never knew Albert to be in such a 
 temper. That lobster he ate last night has a good deal to 
 answer for. When I incidentally mentioned that I needed 
 a new hat he demanded to know if I wished to ruin him. 
 
 {Enter Langton, l., with head tied up i?i a towel.) 
 
 Langton. You needn't run away from me to escape 
 
 5 
 
6 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 
 
 common sense talk, Grace. I can't afford a new hat for 
 you, don't think of such a thing. I'm not rolling in 
 diamonds. And I wish you to distinctly understand that it 
 was not the lobster that gave me this headache. Maybe you 
 will like to know that I am going to lie down on the library 
 couch and must not be disturbed. 
 
 {Exit Langton, l., groaning, with hand to head.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Poor dear fellow, he is suffering tor- 
 tures. All the same, it is a good thing I thought of hiding 
 the hat from him if it should come. By to-morrow he will 
 be himself again, and very likely insist upon getting the hat. 
 I can do without it, though ; a hat more or less is not worth 
 making even temporary trouble over. 
 
 (Enter Serin a, c.) 
 
 Serina. It hasn't arrived, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I have almost decided to tell you to re- 
 turn it when it comes, Serina. 
 
 Serina. You always wear such lovely hats, ma'am. I 
 suppose the new one is a beauty. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I may take the white one, Serina, with 
 ivory satin drapery and an ostrich plume which reaches 
 clear round the brim. 
 
 Serina. How perfectly lovely. It will certainly be- 
 come you, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I think it will. I always look well in 
 white. At least, I may take the white one, though some of 
 the black ones are exquisite. Serina, if it comes take it to 
 my room, I shall have the pleasure of trying it on, at any 
 rate. (Going l.) By the way, Mr. Langton has gone to 
 the library ; he is not to be disturbed. 
 
 (Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Serina. Poor dear missus, if she gets a new hat she 
 always gives me the old one. I'd like to see the husband 
 that 'd keep me from getting a new hat. It's against 
 human nature. (Bell rings. She runs to window.') Oh, 
 it's Mr. Fiddler with a lot of boxes. Cook has let him in. I 
 do like Fiddler, he's so persistent. 
 
ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 7 
 
 {Enter Fiddler, c, with six bandboxes which he piles up 
 on floor, c, front.) 
 
 Fiddler. Ah, there you are, Serina, as blooming as 
 ever, only more so. 
 
 Serina. La, Mr. Fiddler, you do say such nice things. 
 But you have brought six bandboxes. 
 
 Fiddler. They're all to come here. 
 
 Serina. Missus only wants one hat. 
 
 Fiddler. A lady always tries on a hundred hats before 
 she buys one. 
 
 Serina. There's some mistake, I'm sure. Wait. I'll 
 speak to missus. 
 
 {Exit Serina, l.) 
 
 Fiddler. She's the tidiest little piece of cambric I ever 
 set my eyes on. I'm more in We with her than ever. 
 And my only chance to see her is when I leave things at 
 this house. I'm glad her missus is a good shopper. {Slaps 
 his thigh.} I have it. I'll leave something else here to- 
 day, even if I have to do it in mistake, and so I'll get an- 
 other glimpse of her. 
 
 {Enter Serina, l. ) 
 
 Serina. It's all right, missus ordered six hats, to make 
 a selection. 
 
 Fiddler. If you tried right hard, Serina, couldn't you 
 do that ? 
 
 Serina. Do what ? 
 
 Fiddler. Make a selection. {Pointing to himself.) 
 
 Serina. Why, Mr. Fiddler, you're terrible bold. 
 
 Fiddler. Won't you have me? 
 
 Serina. Don't be forever harping on that one tune. 
 
 Fiddler. That's the kind of Fiddler I am, always play- 
 ing one tune. That is, unless you have other fellows on the 
 string? {Anxiously.) 
 
 Serina. Indeed, I haven't, then. But you'd better 
 hurry, this is my busy day. 
 
 Fiddler. Won't you take me, Serina? 
 
 Serina. Yes, to the door. {Marching him off, c.) 
 
 {Enter Langton, l.) 
 Langton. Even the library has noises in it, some of the 
 
8 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 
 
 books are bound in the loudest red I ever saw. My head 
 will split ! I'll never eat lobster again as long as I live. 
 But I'll not tell Grace. {Walkivig up mid down.') A man 
 makes a fool of himself when he owns up too much to his 
 wife; 
 
 (Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Dearest, can't I do something for your 
 dreadful headache? 
 
 Langton. Yes; remove the cause of it, don't buy a 
 new hat. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. What is the use of blaming that poor 
 hat ? If it will ease your mind I will not buy it. 
 
 Langton. Your voice is too loud, it makes my head 
 throb. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Then I'll take it for a walk in the air. 
 You ought to be ashamed of yourself. And it was the 
 lobster. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. Langton, c.) 
 
 Langton. Such a temper ! A wife not to sympathize 
 with an afflicted husband! {Seeing bandboxes.) What! 
 Six hats ! not one, but six ! She shall give me an explana- 
 tion. 
 
 {Exit Langton, c., bumping into Serina, who enters l.) 
 
 Serina. Knocking into a body like that. At any rate, 
 I got rid of Fiddler. Fiddler's a lovely man, but I won't 
 let him think so all at once. Now I'll take these hats to 
 missus's little den. {Gathering up boxes.) My! Fiddler 
 quite flustered me. That's what I like about a man, he 
 flusters you so. 
 
 {Exit Serina, l., singing.) 
 
 {Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, c.) 
 
 Langton. Behold the evidences of your insincerity. 
 {Pointing to the place where the boxes ivere piled up.) Why 
 — why 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Well? 
 
 Langton. What have you done with them ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Done with what ? 
 
ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 9 
 
 LanGtON. You know very well what I meafh You've 
 had them spirited away. I saw half a dozen of them. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Haifa dozen what? 
 
 Langton. Grace, don't try to deceive me. I refuse to 
 tell you what I saw — you know very well what I saw. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. You saw too much lobster at dinner 
 last night, that is all. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Langton. Six hats at one fell swoop ! Any milliner to 
 sell the wife of one husband six hats at once — I mean, any 
 
 milliner to sell one wife of a man six hats No, I mean, 
 
 any one milliner to sell one Confound it ! I don't 
 
 wonder my head reels at the idea. Six hats ! This is bank- 
 ruptcy. {Enter Serin a.) Serina, where are those hats? 
 
 Serina {aside). He's seen them. I'll make believe I 
 don't know what he means. 
 
 Langton. Answer me, girl. 
 
 Serina. What do you mean, sir ? 
 
 Langton {grasping her wrist). Where are those six 
 bandboxes that were in this room a few minutes ago ? 
 
 Serina. Did you say bandboxes, sir? 
 
 Langton. Did I say fire-proof safes? {Releases her.) 
 I will see your mistress. 
 
 {Exit Langton, l.) 
 
 Serina. Poor missus ! I hope she had time to hide the 
 boxes. {Bell rings. She runs to window.) If there isn't 
 Fiddler ringing our bell again. 
 
 {Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton {hurriedly). I've hidden them. But 
 they shall go back. I haven't bought one of them, only 
 sent them home on approval, so I did not tell Albert an un- 
 truth. And I did not know they had come. Serina, if Mr. 
 Langton says anything about the hats which he must have 
 seen arrive 
 
 Langton {outside). Grace ! Grace ! Come here at 
 once. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Now what is the matter? That ter- 
 rible lobster. Coming. {Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 Coming. 
 
10 On ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 
 
 Serina. She calls him a lobster. I don't see how a 
 woman can call a man a lobster ; it's not human. 
 
 Mrs. Langton {outside). Serina ! 
 
 Serina. Yes, ma'am ! Oh, I hope Fiddler will wait to 
 see me. 
 
 {Exit Serina, l.) 
 
 {Enter Fiddler, c, with six chairs, which he arranges in 
 
 a row, front.) 
 
 Fiddler. I've asked Cook to send Serina to me. And 
 what a head I've got ! I'm making believe I made a mis- 
 take in leaving all those hats, that chairs were what I was to 
 deliver. Then I'll come back for the chairs, and leave the 
 hats again. Serenest of Serinas, it is all done for you ! 
 
 (Enter Serina, l.) 
 
 Serina. Dear me, is that you, Mr. Fiddler ? And new 
 chairs ? 
 
 Fiddler. The hats are to go back — it was a mistake. 
 
 Serina. You can't have the hats just now. They're 
 locked up. It wasn't a mistake. I — oh, Mr. Langton is so 
 angry. I'll explain another time. 
 
 Fiddler. Explain something else first, explain your feel- 
 ing for me, Serina. 
 
 Serina. Really, Mr. Fiddler, I'm that nervous my 
 heart's in my mouth. 
 
 Fiddler. Give it to me. I'll take care of it. (Lang- 
 ton's voice heard.) 
 
 Serina. Oh, here comes Mr. Langton. He's in a bad 
 temper. Come down to the kitchen. 
 
 {Exeunt Serina and Fiddler, c, as ^/^r Langton, l.) 
 
 Langton. Six hats at ojice ! It is suicidal. And de- 
 clares she has not bought one. A wife to so deceive a kind, 
 gentle husband like me. {Stumbles over one of the chairs.) 
 What ! Chairs ! Bought six new chairs besides six new 
 hats ? Now she will have to account to me. 
 
 {Exit Langton, l.) 
 
 (Enter Serina and Fiddler, c.) 
 
 Serina. It will never do, Mr. Fiddler. Take those 
 chairs away at once. Missus will be terrible angry. 
 
ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER II 
 
 Fiddler. For a sight of you, Serina, I'd empty the 
 whole store in this room and then come back for it. 
 
 ( While he is speaking they gather up the chairs and carry 
 
 them off, c.) 
 
 {Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. This is beyond endurance, Albert. I 
 tell you I never thought of getting new chairs. Where are 
 they? 
 
 Langton. Eh ! Eh ! {Looking round.) They were 
 here. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Where are they? I ask you, where 
 are those chairs ? 
 
 Langton. I tell you, it was six bandboxes at first, then 
 it was six chairs. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Where are those chairs ? 
 
 Langton. Grace, I wish you to answer me as man to 
 man I mean, as wife to husband 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Once for all, Albert, I will not submit 
 to this. It all comes of your eating things you know do not 
 agree with you. 
 
 Langton. Do you mean to tell me you did not buy six 
 hats? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I never bought six hats at one time in 
 all my life. I may have thought of buying one 
 
 Langton. Nor six chairs ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I did not. 
 
 Langton (frightenedly). I am going to the library. I 
 feel very queer. 
 
 {Exit Langton, l., looking suspiciously back at her.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton (hand to heart). This is serious. What 
 does he mean by six chairs ? That lobster must have been 
 the most indigestible lobster that ever was born. (Rings bell 
 on table.) Serina shall take those hats down to the kitchen 
 and have them returned. I certainly do not want a new 
 hat now. 
 
 (Enter Serina, c.) 
 
 Serina. Did you ring, ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Take those bandboxes to the kitchen 
 and have them returned. (Exit Serina, l.) What did ha 
 
11 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 
 
 mean by six chairs? I must go to the dear fellow. I'll 
 send for the doctor. 
 
 {Enter Fiddler, c.) 
 
 Fiddler. Serina ! I beg your pardon, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Oh, you are the driver who left some 
 boxes here ? 
 
 Fiddler. Yes, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. You may return them to the store. I 
 know you are an acquaintance of Serina' s. Wait a minute, 
 she will bring the boxes to you. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Fiddler. Another chance to see Serina. She shall give 
 me her answer. 
 
 {Enter Serina, with boxes, l.) 
 
 Serina. Here they are. In a minute I managed to tell 
 missus about the chairs, for I never deceive her. 
 
 Fiddler {taking boxes from her and piling them o?i 
 floor). And now, Serina, answer me — will you be Mrs. 
 Fiddler ? 
 
 Serina. Oh, this is so sudden. 
 
 Fiddler (frowning). Come, answer me, I'm delaying 
 the firm's business. 
 
 Serina. I must say, Mr. Fiddler, that of all the persist- 
 ent, flurrying men I ever knew {Bell rings.) 
 
 That's Mrs. Langton's bell. She must have a message for 
 you to take to the store. 
 
 {Exit Serina, l.) 
 
 Fiddler. She won't answer me. Then I won't take the 
 boxes, but will come for them again, when she shall answer 
 me. {Angrily.) 
 
 {Exit Fiddler, c.) 
 {Enter, cautiously, Langton, l. Comes front, sees boxes.) 
 
 Langton {with shriek). The bandboxes ! No chairs ! 
 My brain has turned. Are these boxes a vision, too? I 
 am ill — I am ill. I want my wife. Grace ! Grace 1 
 
 (Langton totters off, l.) 
 
ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 1 3 
 
 {Enter Fiddler, c.) 
 
 Fiddler. I'd better take 'em, though the firm won't like 
 it. Confound women's dilly-dallying ! {Takes boxes off, 
 C, as enter Serina, l.) 
 
 Serina. There he goes. And we've gotten rid of the 
 boxes. Missus sees the fun of it now, and she'll teach Mr. 
 Langton a lesson. Dear me, what a lot I've learnt about 
 husbands this morning. I'll make Mr. Fiddler a good wife. 
 
 (Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Langton. What I No bandboxes ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Of course not, dear. I see none. 
 
 Langton. Are you sure ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. I certainly am. 
 
 Langton. And there are not six new chairs here ? 
 
 Mrs. Langton. Certainly not. 
 
 Langton. Serina, do you see any bandboxes or new- 
 chairs here ? 
 
 Serina. Not one, sir. 
 
 Langton {sinking into chair). Send for the doctor — ■ 
 send for the doctor, at once. 
 
 Mrs. Langton. This comes of eating lobster at night. 
 
 Langton {starting up). Woman, do not contradict a 
 dying man. It was not the lobster. 
 
 {Exit Langton feebly, l.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton {laughing). It is scarcely fair, but it 
 will not harm him. Though it has gone far enough. I'll 
 go and tell him about the chairs, but not about the hats — the 
 truth shall be broken to him gradually. 
 
 {Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
 
 Serina. Well, I know exactly how to deal with a can- 
 tankerous husband now. 
 
 {Enter Fiddler, c, with the boxes which he deposits on 
 
 the floor.) 
 
 Fiddler. No, I won't take 'em back before I get my 
 answer. 
 
 Serina. Yes, you will, then. 
 
14 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 
 
 Fiddler. I will not. Now, then. 
 
 Serina. Mr. Fiddler, take those boxes away. 
 
 Fiddler. I will not. 
 
 Serina. Do you mean to say you refuse to do what I 
 ask you to do ? 
 
 Fiddler. Do what I ask you to do first — promise to 
 marry me. 
 
 Serina. Take those boxes away. 
 
 Fiddler. Promise to marry me first. 
 
 Serina. Maybe I'll promise if you take those boxes 
 away. 
 
 Fiddler. Promise first. 
 
 Serina. I will not. 
 
 Fiddler. Then they stay here. 
 
 Serina. That settles it. You don't know how to treat 
 a wife. 
 
 Fiddler. You don't know how to treat a husband. 
 
 Serina. You're not human. (Crying.') You're — you're 
 a lobster. 
 
 Fiddler. A lobster! — you call me a lobster? That 
 settles that. Good-bye, forever, Miss Serina French. 
 (Gathering up boxes, when enter Mr. and Mrs. Lang- 
 
 TON, L.) 
 
 Langton. You've taken a load off my mind, Grace. 
 I'm glad there really were six chairs here. But {See- 
 ing Fiddler with boxes.) The bandboxes ! And a man ! 
 Are they a vision ? Is he a man ? (Flies at Fiddler, 
 who drops boxes and grapples with him. Mrs. Langton 
 and Serina separate them.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. For shame, Albert, for shame. 
 
 Langton. The man is real, the bandboxes are real. 
 
 Serina. Don't dare to touch him, Mr. Langton. He is 
 Mr. Fiddler, driver for the new department store and my 
 accepted husband. 
 
 Fiddler. Serina! (Puts his arm around her.) 
 
 Mrs. Langton. And these boxes hold hats which I had 
 sent to me on approval. I did not buy a single hat, only 
 wanted to select one. You were in such a bad temper when 
 they came 
 
 Langton (tearing towel from his head). Grace, you 
 make a new man of me. They are real bandboxes and they 
 were real chairs. My headache is gone. And a hat ! 
 Take them all, buy the whole half dozen of them. I have 
 
ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 15 
 
 treated you shamefully. It was all my ridiculous headache. 
 Take all the hats you want. 
 
 Mrs, Langton. Thanks, dear. I only want one at a 
 time — the fashions change every week. But you've got to 
 confess one thing — what gave you headache and a bad 
 temper ? — was it the hats ? 
 
 Langton. My dear, I am so happy to know that my 
 brain is all right that I will own up — it was the lobster. 
 
 (Langton, Mrs. Langton, Serina, Fiddler.) 
 curtain 
 
N 25 1903 
 
Practical Elocution 
 
 By J. W. Shoemaker, A. M. 
 
 300 pages 
 Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 
 
 This work is the outgrowth of 
 actual class-room experience, and is 
 a practical, common-sense treatment 
 of the whole subject. It is clear and 
 concise, yet comprehensive, and is 
 absolutely free from the entangling 
 technicalities that are so frequently found in books of 
 this class. 
 
 Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocution, 
 is regarded as embracing all the germs of speech and 
 action. Prominent attention is therefore given to the 
 cultivation of this the most common form of human ex- 
 pression. 
 
 General principles and practical processes are pre- 
 sented for the cultivation of strength, purity, and flexi- 
 bility of Voice, for the improvement of distinctness and 
 correctness in articulation, and for the development of 
 Soul power in delivery. 
 
 The work includes a systematic treatment of Gesture 
 in its several departments of position, facial expression, 
 and bodily movement, a brief system of Gymnastics 
 bearing upon vocal development and grace of move- 
 ment, and also a chapter on Methods of Instruction, for 
 teachers. 
 
 Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon receipt 
 of price. 
 
 The Penn Publishing Company 
 
 933 Arch Street, Philadelphia 
 
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 "YOUTH " is of the usual magazine size, 7 x 10 inches. It 
 is printed on an excellent quality of paper, and bound in an 
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 interest of boys and girls equally, and among its contributors 
 are such favorite writers as : 
 
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