AD\ ERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 511 farce in #ue act CHARLES S. BIRD Copyright, 191 i, by Samuel French New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBTJSHER 28-80 WEST 38th STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street STRAND (p^ A ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Cbaractera. Colonel Backup — (Who wants a rich son-in law). Tom Trask— (Who wants Kitty Backup). Wallie Watkins — (A friend in need), Kitty Backup— (Who wants Tom Trask). Katy Brayton — (Kitty's chum). Modern Costumes. Runs about fifty. This Farce should move quickly. TMP92-008659 g)CI.D 2S109 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. ^>CEN"E : — A nicely furnished room, in the home of Colonel BackuP;, a table l. with telephone, hooTcs, etc. Large screen hack r. c. A few easy- chairs about stage. (Colonel Backup^ and Kitty, discovered at rising of curtain, Kitty in tears.) Colonel. It's no use for you to cry and go on in this way, my dear, I have told you it is impossible; and my word is law, — LAW, do you understand? Kitty. But, papa, T-Tom and I are s-so fond of each other, and I d-don't see how you can be so c-cruel as to s-say we can't be m-married. Colonel. Fond of each other, fiddlesticks ! What has til at got to do with marriage? You will marry the man T choose for you and Kitty, (stamping foot) I will m-marry T-Tom, or I'll go and live in an old m-maid's h-home. Colonel. Tut, tut. don't tell me what you'll do, do you think that T will permit you to throw yourself awav on an imnecunious young bank clerk? Kitty. You needn't call Tom such names as that, anyway, and besides he's awfully smart, and he's bound to rise in his profession. Colonel. I don't know, and what's more I don't care anything about his profession, but he'll " rise " all right if I catch him browsing 'round here. Now listen to reason, why, see here, Kitty, what you want is a man of wealth, you want to marry a man with money. 4 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Kitty. Xo, I don't ! I want to marrv Tom Trask. Colonel. Oh, you'll get over that. Xow you listen to me. I have taken this matter in hand, and I've got a great scheme to get you married and liappily settled in life. Kitty. With Tom? Colonel. Xo, young lady, not with Toiu. Kittys Who then? Colonel. Ahem^ er — well, I do not know exactly who it is yet. Kitty. Why, the idea, do you think ? Colonel. Think? of course I think, I think T know what is best for you, and so yesterday I had an advertisement inserted in the Matrimonial Gazette. which I think will settle the matter. Kitty. An advertisement? what for? Colonel. Why, for a husband for you, of course. {looking at watch) Ha ! it's about time for the paper to be out, I'll run out to the news-stand and get one. (taking up hat) Now mind, (going to door) no let- ter writing, or any other foolishness, remember my word is law, LAW, do you understand? (Exit c. d.) Kitty, (indignant) Well, who ever heard of such a preposterous idea? Advertising for a hus- band ! and for m e. I don't care though, I won't marry him, no I WON'T, so there, I don't care if he is as rich as — as, oh, I don't see how papa can be so cruel, when I could be so happy if he would only consent t-to my m-marrying T-Tom. (drops into chair, covers face vnth handkerchief and weeps) (Enter Tom c. d. sees Kitty crying, — looks all around to make sure he is not observed, — comes doiun — kneels beside Kitty — puts arm around her — she does not look up, hut lets her head fall on his shoulder — still weeping. Tom. There, there, little one, what is it? Tell its own Tommy. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 5 Kitty, Uh — uh — uh ! Tom. Yriiat is it^ dear? tell me. Kitty. Oh, T-Tom, Papa says we can't be m- married. To:\i. {jinn ping up) What? Kitty. Yes, and he says if you come around here any more he'll make you rise, and he's gone and put an advertisement in the p-paper. Tom. He has? What for, a balloon? Kitty, ^-no, for a husband. Tom. Kitty, what in the dickens are you talking about, what does he want with a husband? Kittys Oh, he don't want one. He wants him for somebody else. Tom. Oh, is that it ? for whom ? Kitty. A\^iy, can't you guess? Tom. No, I'm blessed if I can. Kitty. Why, how stupid you are, he wants him for me. Tom. The deuce he does. Kittys He says, I am to marry a man with money ; oh, dear, what can we do ? Tom. He does, eh ? Why the old Kitty. Tom ! Tom. Er — 1 was about to say, the old gentleman must be crazy, but don't you cry, dear, we'll find some way out of it. KiTTY\ Oh, I wish we could, but he is so deter- mined, and so unreasonable. ToM- Well, he'll find I'm as determined as he is. Did you say he has advertised for a husband for you ? Kitty. Yes, that is what he said. Tom. What in? Kitty. In the Matrimonial Gazette. Tom. H'm, let me see. Kitty. Oh, Tom, can you think of anything? Tom. Yes, dear, by jove I can. Say, Kitty, you've heard me speak of my old friend, Wallie Watkins, haven't you? f5 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Kitty. Yes, the one you knew at college. Tom. Yes, well, Wallie has just come up to town for a little visit, and he wants me to help him enjoy himself for a few days. How will it do if I get him to answer this advertisement — palm himself off on tl-c Colonel as a man of wealth in search of a pretty wife, and then at the psychological moment expose him, — win your father's gratitude — and when he sees from what I have saved you both, — he consents to ouv marriage, and all ends happily. What do you think of it, eh ? Kitty. Oh, it's a splendid idea, but will your friend do it? Tom. Do it? Ha, ha, 1 forgot, you do not know Wallie, do you? you'll see, Wallie's always ready for any kind of a lark, I tell you. Kitty, its a great scheme. Hei^e, I'll call him up right now — {goes to phone) Hello— Hello— Bedford Hotel please,— that the Bed- ford? — all right, — is Mr. Watkins there? — he is? good, kindly ask liim to come to the phone. — Hullo, that you, Wallie? — yes, Totu. Say. Wallie, listen. You know what I told you last night about Miss — er — well you know? — yes, — well the Colonel is opposed, says he is going to have a man of wealth for a son- in-law, yes, ha, ha, he has advertised for a husband for her, yes, that's right, — in the Matrimonial Gazette. Xow T want you to help us out in this affair, — answer the ad. make believe you are a man of wealth you know, — sure, you can do it. You will? good boy. Wallie, — No. 78 Prospect Terrace, yes, — ^you bet, I'll do the rest. Oh, yes, I'll meet you, — good-bye. Say, Kittie, its gi'eat, I'll go down and meet Wallie, and we'll map out a plan of campaign. Kitty. Oh, Tom, I hope it will work. To:\r. Work? It's r/of to work. (kisses her) (xood-bye, dear, trust to me. Kitty. Good-bye, dear, {goes to door with him) {Exit Tom, c. d.) ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 7 Kitty. Isn't he smart? I just knew he woiihi find some way. Now 1^11 call up Katy, and tell her to run up here, and we will have a little rehearsal for our play to-morrow night, (goes to phone) Hullo, — ^give me 7-8-10. East, please, — yes, — Hullo, that you, Katy? — yes, Kitty, say, can you come up and go over our parts for the play? yes. now. All right, bring your cap and apron along. Good- bye. Oh, it's such fun rehearsing for a play, especially when one has the Star part. I know my lines perfectly too, that is, all but that place on page twenty-nine, let me see, how does that go? It's where the mistress says — {ti'agically) Begone ! false, faith- less creature, I have long suspected that you were trying to come between my lover and myself, and at last you stand revealed before me in your true colors. Out of my sight this instant! — {wildly) Avaunt I {grahs sofa pillow and hurls it toivard door c. Colonel Backup — returning with paper receives the pillow square in the face, and is howled over. Kitty falls into a chair and pretends to have hysterics) Colonel, {in alarm) Wow! Great Scott I What does this mean? {picking himself up) Has Kitty gone crazy? Maybe her disappointment over that confounded bank clerk has gone to her head. (goes over and kneels beside her) My child, my poor, poor child, what is it, what has happened ? Tell your loving father I implore you. Can't you speak to me? Kitty, {jumping up and clapping her hands, ivhile the Colonel startled, falls over backivard) Oh, papa, that was fine, splendid, that's just the way it happens in the play. Colonel, {rising and brushing off his clothes) U-mm — confound the play, I hope that when you get married, young woman, you'll get some of this non- sensical play business out of your head. Kitty, {slowly and sadly) '' Alas, my dear father, I shall never marry. No, wedded bliss can ,S ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. never be imine. T shall take the veil, and in the seclusion of the gloomy cloister, weep out the few remaining years of a " Colonel. STOP IT ! I say, cut it out, here— [opening paper) listen to this, it will give you some- thing better to think of. {reads) " A gentleman of high and honorable military rank — Ahem — aristo- cratic connections, and untarnished family name, desires a man of wealth for a son-in-law. For further particulars inquiry of Colonel Backup. Prospect Terrace. City." There, what do you think of that ? Kitty. Why, father, it sounds just like a play. Colonel. Bosh ! you'll find there is no play about this, this is business, young lady, BUSIN"ESS, and 1 have an idea that it will bring good results — lealities, that's what we want in this life, not any make believe ; ah, my dear, I can see you now, with your country home, house in town, box at the Opera, motor cars, and all that. Hey? haven't you got a model father to do all this for you ? Kitty. Why, papa dear, wouldn't that all be lovely? Colonel, {pleased — aside) I thought that would fetch her, leave a woman alone when it comes to the allurements of wealth. Kitty. T am going out for a little while, papa, and if Katy Brayton comes in while I am out you'll entertain her real nicely, won't you? Colonel. Why, of course, my dear, and — ahem, I want to say. that it gives me much pleasure to see that you have come around to my way of thinking in I'egard to your — er — marriage. Kitty. Oh, as to that, I know how well you mean, papa, and I hope ever3^thing will come out for the best. Colonel. Why, of course — of course it will. That's a good little girl, {hisses her) Kitty, {going — aside) Oh ! If Tom's plan only works. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 9 {Exit R. U. E.) CoLOXEL. (rubbing his hands) Aha ! Nothing like a firm will in these matters, let your family know your will is law, and that settles it every time. But she said that Katy Brayton was comJng here, didn't she? Why, to be sure she did. Gad — wonder if I am to have the luck of a little time alone with the divine Katy? Charming prospect, (ivinhs) Kitty does not suspect my very tender sentiments in regard to her friend, but if I can only get Kitty married well, and out of the way, then I will be free to devote inyself to Katy, and who can tell what may happen. (si7igs) "' In days of old, when knights were bold." (enter Katy Brayton, c. u.) Jerusalem! there she is now. (confused) Gad ! hope she did not overhear what I said. Katy. A\\, good afternoon. Colonel, you must be reeling particularly happy to-day. (Katy has a package in her hand) Colonel. Why — ei- — you heard? Katy. Ha, ha, I heard you carolling like a bird. Colonel, (-pattered) Why, as to that, I believe [ can sing some when I am in the mood. I think 1 must have felt that you were coming in, and I hope you vrill j^ermit me to say, that you are looking as fresh and beautiful as a June rose to-day, or like a butterfly amona: the posies. Katy. My, my, what a flatterer you are in youi* old age. Colonel Backup, (laughing) Colonel, (aside — rath&r taken back) " Old age." Humph ! Katy. (looking around) But where is Kit? Colonel. Oh, she stepped out for a moment — back soon, said I was to entertain you until you re- turned. Katy. dear, I do hope she won't be gone long, I am just wild to go over my part in the play with her. See here. Colonel, (untying package) I have jQ ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. ])rou,2:lit along my cap and apron which I am to wear a? the " Perfirlious Maid" to-morrow night, aren't they lovely? (holding tliem up) Colonel. " Lovely " ? Why, my dear, they are dreams, simply dreams. i\nd I am sure you will look charming with them on. Katy. {'pleased) Are you? Colonel, (effusively) How could I think any- thing else? Do you know, I am wonderfully in- terested in this play of yours. Katy. Oh, are you? That is very nice I am sure. Perhaps then you would like to hear me go over some of my lines, while I am waiting for Kit? Colonel. Certainly, certainly, I'd be delighted. Katy. All right then, here, you take the book (hands Colonel play hook) here's the place, — page 29. That's the passage right there, that I am a little doubtful about, — it's where the mistress comes in and discovers the maid in the arms of the false lover. "N'ow I'll put these things on so the scene Avill be more realistic (putting on cap and apron) you know I might as well be getting used to them, — there, (de- 77} urely) how do I look. Colonel ? Colonel. Eavishing, my dear, simply ravishing. Ah, it would be no wonder if Katy. Well, now we'll begin. — don't prompt me unless I look at you, — you read the top line — (point- ing) right there, (she looks over the Colonel's shonlder, he looks his admiration) Colonel. Ahem, shall I render it with — er — the true dramatic force? I used to be pretty good at this sort of thing in my younger — er — that is to say, not so very long ago. ELaty. Yes, of course, make it good and strong. Colonel, (reading) Ah! My darling, how little have you kno"^Ti what was in my heart all these months, — I love you. Uow I love you. Katy. (reciting) Dearest James, I cannot de- ceive you longer, and no longer will I permit you to ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND |-| deceive yourself. I have seen it all along, and if you really want me, take ine, I am all your own. Colonel. My darling. Katy. My own at last. Now that is where he puts his arms around her, is it not? Colonel. Let me see, {loohs at hook) Why, yes, so it is, ah — er — did you wish me — er — Katy. (with enthusiasm) Oh, why not go through it once, just as it is in the book, and when Kit comes in we'll surprise her with the scene. Colonel. Great! Great! (aside) Gad! trust me to make the most of this opportunity. Katty. Now we will go over it again, and you be ready to catch me when the time comes. Colonel, (putting hook in his pocket) All right, I guess T can remember that little bit without the book. — Now — "Ah! My darling, how little have you known what was in my heart all these months, — T love yon, how T love you ! (Wallie Watkins appears in c. d. He stops in astonishment at the scene hefore him. They do not see him.) Katy. Dearest James, I cannot deceive you lon- ger, and no longer will I permit you to deceive your- self. I have seen it all along, and if you really want me. take me, I am all your own. Colonel, (ivith fervor) My darling ! Katy. My own at last, (she falls into the Col- ONEi/s arms. — Tie attempts to kiss her, she catches sight of Wallie in door — screams, — runs off r. u. e.) Colonel, (looking after her in aMonishment) What in the ? Wallie, (coming down — coughs hehind his hand) Ahem. Colonel, (startled) The devil ! (recovers him- self — g7nhs Wallie^ — drags him down front) Ah — er — Ahem, young man, you see jO ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Wallie. (imitating) Ah — er — Ahem, no, I'm blind. CoLOXEL. That is — I mean to say, you saw Wallie. Oli, you mean — (maJces motions of saw- ing wood) Colonel. No, T don't, I mean — did you see any- thing? Wallie. Why yes, I believe I did. now you men- tion it. Colonel, (aside) The deuce he did? Wallie. I saw-^ — Colonel, (anxioushj) WHAT? Wallie. Why, I believe I saw an uncommonly nice looking young woman. Colonel. But, nothing else? Wallie. no, nothing else, I assure you (aside) Whew ! That's a pretty fair one if T never tell an- other. Uncommon frisky old party, trying to kiss one of the maids. Colonel, (aside) I believe he's lying, but I'll put on a bold front, I have to get out of this some way — (to Wallie) Ahem, you are right, young man, she is a very pretty girl, you see she is practising theatricals, and I was assisting her with her part. Wallie. (coughing rather dnhiovsly) Ahem. Colonel. Yes, and we had just got to a — er — very interesting part, and Wallie. And Colonel, (aside) Confound his impudence. Wallie. And your maid was about to Colonel. My what? Wallie. Why, your maid. Colonel, (aside) Thunder, he must have thought she ivas a maid, with her apron and all that, — Whew I this won't do at all (to Wallie) no, you are mistaken, she was my daughter — ^made up for her part in the play, that's all. Wallie. Oh, is that all? Colonel, (much relieved) Of course. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND i^ Wallie. (aside) I wonder who's lying now, however, if she is his daughter I don't blame Tom for his infatuation. But he wanted me to help him ont in this affair, and in this case I think I shall enjoy play- ing the lover right up to the handle. Colonel, (aside) Now I happen to think of it, I wonder who this young chap is, and what he wants. (to Wallie) Er — by the way, my young friend, you perhaps wanted to see ? Wallie. yes, pray pardon me, sir, but do you happen by any chance to be Colonel — er — Backup ? CoLOXEL. I am the Colonel, sir, at your service. Wallie. (taking paper from his pocket) Is this your advertisement ? Colonel, (startled) Why — yes, (aside) The deuce ! Wallie. Well, Colonel, I have called to see you in regard to it, — there is my card. Colonel, (reading card) Mr. Augustus Bigpile. Wallie. (h owing) The same, sir, at your ser- vice. Colonel, (aside) Jerusalem! here's a go, what'll I do ? — (looks at card again) Bigpile. Why ! he must be one of the Bigpiles of the " Clothespin trust." Just the man for Kitty. But how in the deuce will I square this other matter? Ah, I have it, I'll tell him it was all a joke, then I'll find some way to explain the whole thing to him later, (turns to Wallie) Ah! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (Wallie jumps) Wallie. (indignantly) Well, sir, perhaps you will be kind enough to tell me what you see in my name to laugh at? Colonel, (laughing harder) Oh, it was not that, my dear Mr. Bigpile. I was laughing at what you and I were talking about a while ago. You see it was all a joke, ha, ha ! Wallie. (perplexed) Oh, was it? Colonel. Yes, you see, the young lady you saw was playing a part. She tvas my daughter, but at the f4 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND same time she was not my daughter. Yon under- stand ? Wallie. Why, no; I^m probably a trifle dull, but to tell the truth I seem to fail to gi'asp your mean- ing. Colonel, ^^^ly, my dear sir. it's as clear as day- light. She was, and she wasn't, catch the idea ? ha, ha! Wallie. (miniiching) Ha, ha! Oh, she ivns, and she wasn't. Colonel, (delighted) That's it. you've got it now. Wallie. (aside) I wonder what it's like? Colonel. Good joke, eh? ha, ha! Wallie. Ha, ha ! capital. Colonel, capital, you fnean perhaps that she was not the maid, but at the ^ame time. she was the maid. (wi7i'king) Colonel, (hastily) No, no, T don't, I mean — (aside) hang it all what do I mean anyhow? Kitty, (calling off r.) Pa — pa. Colonel, (aside) The deuce ! there's Tvitty, she mustn't see him yet. (to Wallie) May I ask you to step into the library a moment, Mr. Bigpile. I'll be with you in a moment, (pushes him off l.) now to prepare Kitty for the introduction. { Enter Kitty R.) Kitty. Back aaain. ])a])a, hasn't Katv been here yet? Colonel. Katy ? Oh no, I think not. Kitty, (seeing Katy's hat) Why, what do you mean ? here are her things now. Colonel. ^\Tiy, sure enough, there they are. Guess she must have come in while I was in the other room. But, Kitty, I have some news for you. Kitty. Oh, have you? Is it about Tom? Colonel. No! It is not about Tom. But a young man has called in answer to my advertisement in the Gazette. He is in the library now. waiting ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. ;[5 for me to present him to his prospective bride, so prepare 3^ourself for the introduction. Kitty, (aside) Here already? it must be Tom's friend, of course, (to Colonel) What you tell me is very interestins:, papa, who is he? Colonel, (puffing up) His name? (looking at card) xVhem, listen to this — Mr. Augustus Bigpile. What do you think of that, eh ? Ever hear that name before ? Kitty. Why, yes, often, but surely it is not one of those Bigpiles who control the Colonel. Isn't it? Why of course, it is, aren't these rich people always on the lookout for a father- in-law with a title ? I tell you, Kitty, we are in luck, and if you play this tish right, trust your father to land him for you. Kitty. Why, you surely do not expect me^ Colonel. Young woman, I expect you to do as I tell you, now you" wait here while I go bring him in. (Exit left) Kitty. Well ! if this isn't a pretty state of af- fairs, Tom's friend is named ^' Watlcins/' Wallie Watkins, so this can't be him. dear, what shall I do? I wisli Tom were here. I just won't have any thing to do with this Mr. Bigpile, he must be a fool any way, to fall in with such a scheme as this one of papa's. (Enter Tom c. d.) Tom. Confound it, Kitty, I missed connections with Wallie in some way, thought I'd come back and tell you. Kitty, (holding up finger warningly) S — h, Tom! He's liere, he's in the library now with papa. Tom. He is? Wallie? Kitty. ISTo, some other man, who has come in an- swer to that horrid advertisement. Tom. The deuce he has? Kitty. Yes, and papa is going to bring him in ]0 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. lio^ht awa}% and v,'e are to be introduced. dear, what can we do? Tom. {hlanhJy) Darned if I know. But look here, Kittv, I'm not going- to have any rich duft'er iuaking love to you. Kitty. Tom, Katy Brayton is in the house some- where, I was just going to hunt her up. Let's go and find her, tell her all about it and get her to receive this man in my place. What do you say ? You know that will give your friend time to get here, and it will also give ns time to get the whole thing straightened out. {Voices heard off l.) Colonel. Right this way. my dear Mr. Big]3ile, right this way. Kitty. (aJarn>erJ) come, Tom. they must not catch US togetlier, {Knter To:m — mils him off \x. L. E.) (Enter Coloxel and Wallie.) Colonel, {hows Wallie in, — does not notice nnrpty stage) My dear Mr. Bigpile, will you let me have the extreme pleasure of presenting you to my daughter, Miss Kitty Backup, (turns around — no one in sight) Hullo! what's the meaning of this? Wallie. (a^de — shaking head) Humph ! I kind of thought the old boy was dippy. Colonel. I heg your pardon, Mr. Bigpile, there i? some mistake, my daughter must have misunderstood me in some wa}', I hope you will excuse me a moment while I go and call her. Wallie. Certainly, Colonel, certainly. (Exit Colonel r. 1 e..) Well, of all the queer old chaps I ever ran up against, he is the limit. Wonder what kind of a mess Tom's got me into. And where in the old Harry is he any way? Well, in the absence of specific instructions I suppose the only thing to do is to go in and play this wealthy suitor business as [ promised, and let him do the rest. (Enter Katy ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. |7 R. u. E. she has taken off cap and apron) (aside) Aha ! Here's the Maid-daughter, or the daughter- maid, I wonder which she is anyway? Guess it's up to me to take a chance, so here goes — (hirning to Katy) Ahem,, pray pardon me, but have I the honor of addressing Miss — er — Miss ? Katy. (dropping a curtsy) Miss Backup, if you please, and may I venture to ask your name and bus- iness sir? Wallie. Certainly. I am Mr. Augustus Bigpile. And I have called in answer to the — er — (aside) Hold on, how do I know whether she is aware of this fool advertisement or not. Katy. Perhaps you had an appointment with Wallie. Yes, that's it, an appointment with your father. Katy. (forgets — astonished) My father? Wallie. Of course, the Colonel, Colonel Backup. He is your father, is he not? Katy. (disconcerted) Why, Ha, ha, ha ! Wallie. (aside) I seem to be the contributing cause to a good deal of merriment on the part of the people in this house to-day. Katy. Shall I go and call the Colonel, Mr. Big- pile ? Wallie. no, not for worlds — that is, I mean it is not at all necessary, I can explain my business to you just as well, (aside) Confound it, how can I impose on a girl as sweet as she is, I'd like to know? To the deuce with the old Colonel and his scheme, and Tom with him. If the latter don't show up pretty soon I'll go in and cut him out in dead ear- nest. Katy. very well, (aside) Kitty must be mis- taken, he looks too nice I am sure to be lending him- self to any such a silly plot as this one she was just talking about, but as I promised Kit, I suppose I must keep my word and make believe I am the daughter, (she sits down) t*.; ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Wallie. (also sitting doivn) Er — it's a nice jnorning, don't you think so? Katy. {trijing not to laugh) Why, I can't say I do, ivlr. Biofpile. Rnt I do think it rather a pleasant afternoon. Wallie. Yes, ah — that was what I meant, Miss Kitty. Katy. Katy, if you please sir. (she forgets again) Wallie. (amde\ Katy? yes, of course, Kitty is Tom's pet name for her, lucky dog. Katy. You were about to say ? Wallie. (hlanl-h/) Was I? yes, so T was. (aside) I wonder what it was I was about to say? Blest if I know. Katy. Yes, about the reason for youi- call this afternoon. Wallie. Sure enough, that's it. 1 was going to say that the Colonel and I understand each other ]>erfcctly in this — er — little matter. Katy. you do? Wallie. very well indeed I assure you, he told I was to say to you that it only wanted your consent to the arrangements we haA^e already made to Katy. Arrangements? What do you mean? Wallie. Why, you know, about the — (aside) I wonder where that confounded Tom Trask is. ICaty. (aside) He is getting on entirely too fast, (to Wallie — rising) you really must excuse me for a moment, Mr. Bigpile, there is something — I Wallie. (eagerly — aho rising) Do not go, T beg; I wish Katy. But I must, (hurries off r. u. e.) (Enter Tom r. 1 e.) Tom. Why, hullo, Wallie, how^ the deuce did yov get here ? Where was you when I w^as at the Bedford a little while ago? I wanted to explain all about this matter before you started in, but it is all right ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. ly now. Oh, by the way, did you see any one else around here ? Wallie. Gee, Tom, it's you for questions, guess I must have misunderstood about meeting you ; thought you seemed to be in somewhat of a hurry, so I started right in on your commission. As for having seen any one else round, why, T saw the Colonel, and Tom. {taken hack) You did? Wall. Sure, and I have already set the ball roll- ing. Tom. \ou've done what? Wallie. Pushed the button, — started the ma- chine, — don't you understand? Say, old chap, I don't wonder you are a little cracked over this affair, she's a peach. Tom. Cracked? What are you driving at any- way ? Wallik. I'm talking about Katy, ha ha I Tom. What? have you seen Wallie. Or Kitty, and I think I am getting on swimmingly. The Colonel will be tickled to Tom. (grabbing him) Stop, stop, for heaven's sake, or you will have me as crazy as you are, now look here — Did you or did you not, see any other man here besides the Colonel? Wallie. {wonderingly) Any other man? why, no. Tom. That's strange, (aside) He must be in the library noAv with the Colonel or Katy, now I wonder which? (the Colonel heard talking off e.) Whew! He must not find us here together. Here, Wallie, you go in there and wait till I can get this thing straightened out. (Tom pushes Wallie off L. u. E. — he rushes off r. u. e.) (Enter the Colonel and Kitty r. 1 e.) Colonel, (talhing to Kitty as he enters — does not notice empty stage) Now my dear, permit me to present my very much esteemed young friend, Mr. 20 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Augustus Bigpile (Kitty looks at him in astonish- ment) My dear ^Mr. Bigpile (turning) allow — Why! Bless my soul I where has he gone? Kitty, (aside) Poor papa, I'm afraid this bus- iness has affected his head. CoLO>^EL. (aside) Everybody seems to be doing the vanishing act to-day, but I'll find him if it takes a week, (to Kitty) Xow, young lady, you stay here till I come back thi^ time, do you understand? and I'll find out w4iere this rather singular young party has gone to, and have him here in short order. (rushes off L. 1 e.) Kitty. This is getting all mixed up, I wonder where Tom went to? and where Katy is? She prom- ised to meet this Mr. Bigpile, perhaps they are to- gether now, I'll (Enter Katy r. u. e.) Katy. (stopping short) Why, Kit. you here? where is he ? Kitty. Where is who? Katy. ^Ir. Bigpile, wasn't he here? Kitty. No, did you see him? Katy. I was with him only a little while ago, but Kitty. You was? then he really is here? what is he like? Katy. Oh, I thought he was awfully nice. Kit, he was so Kitty. Nice? Why, Katy Brayton. how can you say such a thing. The idea of anyone being nice who has no more sense of propriety than to answer an advertisement in the Matrimonial Gazette. I'm ashamed of you. Katy. (tossing her head) Well, as to that, Miss Backup, he may repent when he finds out his mis- take. You know he thought he was talking to you, when he was talking to me, and he appeared very much ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 21 Kitty. What ? Katy. (smiling) Oh, never mind, dear. But .say. Kit, as everybody seems to be out of the way no\\'. Kit., as everybody seems to be out of the way now, why not try over our parts, what do you say? Kitty. I am afraid we will be interrupted. Papa is in such a state about this silly young man who is here. Katy. He isn't a silly young man at all. Kitty, {opening her eyes) Why, Katy, what do you Katy. Oh, bother the man any way, let's go over the parts, it will only take a minute for that one scene which we want to make sure of. Kitty. Very well, but we must have the cap and apron, wait, I'll get them. {Exit Kitty, r. 1 e.) Katy. And 1 must get my book. {Exit Katy R. U. E.) {Enter the Colonel l. 1 e.) Colonel, {looking around) Confound that young scamp. He's not in the library, I wonder where he is anyway ? Humph ! Kitty gone again too ? I see, she is not as much in favor of my plan as she pretended, and is trying to keep out of the way. But I'll show her that I'm not to be balked in this matter by her or any one else, she'll find out that my will is law in this house, yes sir, LAW! Ha! {rushes off c. D.) {Enter Katy, l. u. e.) Katy. {calling off r. 1 e.) Ivit. — Kitty, all ready. Kitty, {speaking off r.) All right dear, be there in a jiffy, I'm just trying these things on to see how I would look as the " Perfidious Maid." Katy. Well, hurry, {studies hook) {Enter Wallie l. u. e.) Wallie. {aside) Where did Tom go to I won- der? {sees Katy) Aha, there she is again. Won- 00 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. der what she ran off for? I'll see if I can't have an- other tete-a-tete with the adorable Kitty, {turning) Ahem. Katy, (startled — gives slight screaui — drops hnnl-) Why ^Ir. Bigpile. how voii startled me. Wallie. Did I ? Pray pardon me, my dear "Miss Kitty, it was quite unintentional I am sure, (picl-- ing up book) permit me to return the book which you just dropped. (Wallie infatuated) Katy. thank you. (drops her eyes demurely) Wallie. It is a play is it not ? ^[ay I ask if you are interested in dramatics? Katy. yes, awfully, are you? Wallil. Well, I confess I dn do something* in that line once in a while. Katy. Do you ? Why, how nice ! Did you ever see this? (handing tool', which both examine, stand- ing close together) Wallie. What is it? Ha. ha : Well, I'll he shot if it is not the '^ Perfidious ^Maid.*' Well, that's funny, ha, ha, ha ! Katy. (eagerly) Haye you seen it? Wall. Seen it? I took part in it just a little while aiTo. Didn't I do the false lover? I guess yes. (declaiming from book) "Ah, now do I know the feelings which permeated the breast of the man who said — " I would be happy with either, were t'other dear charmer away." For I love both the mistress and the maid, with a passion which will allow me no choice. Alas, I know not which I love the most " — Ha. ha ! Katy. (clapping her hands) Splendid, splendid, 0, I wonder if Wallie. If what ? My — er — ^liss Katy. Why, if you would be willing to help me in rehearsing one of the scenes? Wallie. (in raptures) Would I? I should be delighted to do so. (aside) Gee! if Tom does not come soon, it will be all up with me. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 23 (Enter Kitty r. 1 e. She does not see Wallie who goes L.) Kitty. Xow dear, ho'v do / look as the Perfid — Katy. {aside to Kitty) Sh — h. Wallie. (aside) Hullo! who's this? Must be the real maid this time. Kitty, (to Katy) What is it? Katy. Hush, he's here. Kitty. He? Whom do you mean? Katy. (aside) S — h, Mr. Bigpile. He must not know you, you must make believe that you really are my maid, (to Wallie) Mr. Bigpile. this is my — er — maid, who will help us in the scene in the play, this is Mr. Bigpile, Kitty, a caller. He has very kindly consented to assist us in that scene we wore going over this afternoon. The " discovery scene" you know. (Kitty drops a ciirtsy to Wallie.) Wallie. Kitty, did you say? Why you are — (pei'ple.red) Katy. (confused) Did I say Kitty? Wallie. Yes, how is Katy. (laughing) WeW, that is her name. (hurnes on) She helps me with my parts when T have no one else, now Kitty, are you ready ? Kitty. Yes'm. Wallie. (aside) Katy Kitty, — Kitty Katy? What the deuce Katy. Well then, let me have your apron and cap, (they change) can you do the part without the book, Kitty? Kitty. yes'm I think so. Perfectly. Wallie. (aside, looking at Katy) Whew! "Now she is the maid again, this gets me. Katy. Mr. Bigpile, can you do that '' discovery scene " from memory ? Wallie. yes, no trouble at all. (aside) Gee! Here's a lark, — regular basket of peaches. •24. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. Katy. Very well then ; Kitty, you stand here. ( placing Kitty l. c.) and Wallie. That's right, and I here, (taking place in front of Kitty) TvATY. Yes, {consulting hook) that's the correct position. Xow T cro off the stage, you know, and my cue to enter is — '' You have made me the happiest of men." All ready? Kitty. Yes'm. Wallie. All ready. Katy. Then I'll go. {Exit Katy r. 1 e.) Wallie. {acting part) Alone together at last, and I can now call you my Queen, my darling, the one and only girl I ever loved. {Enter the Colonel c. d. He is siirpused, hut very much delighted at what he takes to he a real love scene hetween Bigpile. and Kitty. Bnhs hands — laughs aside. They do not see him. Kitty. If you really mean this, then I consent to your proposal, and will be your wife. Colonel, {aside) Gad! This young man don't lose any time, does he? But so much the better, so much the better. [Dodges behind screen from which he keeps peeping out.) Wallie. Ah, my sweet one, you have made me the happiest of men. {Enter Katy,. r. 1 e. during above line) Katy. Aha! And so, villain, I have discovered your duplicity at last, base deceiver of an innocent young heart. (Wallie starts — crosses l. Kitty clasps her hands in mock disti^ess.) Wallie. (aside) Discovered! Ye gods! Here's a pickle. As I can do nothing else, I will throw my- ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 95 self on their mercy, (the girls confront him accus- ingly — he falls on knees, and stretches out his arms imploringly) Ladies, I throw myself on your mercy, I love yon hath. I ivant you both. Fly with me to Salt Lake City, where we can (Tom appears — c. d. during Wallie's last speech. lie stops, doesn't I'uoir irtiat to iiial'c nf scene.) Katy. Monster ! ! Kitty. Ino^rate I ! Wall. No, no. Only a man with a he;^rt too bis: for one. Fly with me I say, and (CoLOXEL rushes out— tipping over screen. Tom runs down.) Colonel. "Fly" I'll make yon fly. you ia>cnl ! {grabs Wallie — shakes hint ) Tom. Yes, and so will /. (Tom and the Coloxel shake Wamje uj). The girls scream — cling together) Wallie. Hold on! Hold on. {gives the Col- onel a push, who goes doivn) 'J'OM. {savagely) Wliat in tlniiider does thi^ mean? Explain, or ITl Wallie. {straightening lii nisei f out — angrily to Tom, — aside) Y'on fool^ can't you see I'm doing this to help yon out? and this is all the thanks I get for it. Xow rm done, yon can do the rest and be hanged. {During Wallie's last speech the girls have been helping the Colonel to his feet, he is very an- gry-) Tom. {aside to Wallie) By Jove, Wallie. I am an ass, and you're a brick. Yonr acting was so per- fect, yon know — leave the rest to me. Colonel. What is the meaning of this extraor- dinary behavior, young ladies? And you. you scoiin •)(; ADVimTlSlNG FOR A HUSBAND. til el I what have you to say for yourself before T kick you out of the house ? To.M. Oue iTiouieut. (^olouel Baeku]), 7 have soiue- ihing to say. and that is — that this is the result of your — er — whim of advertising for a husband for Kitty. And ])ermit me to tell you that you've had a nariow escape, a verji narrow escape indeed, for T know this man to be an impostor. His name is not Bigpile any more than it is Trask, or Backup. OoLOXHL. {ainrthd) What? Are vou sure of this? 'Vo^\. -"Sure" of coiirfte. I'm sui'e, his name is 1^-;- }WATKT> noa- astonished, he loal-s from one girl to the other) Wallie. (aside) Thunder! so Kitty is Kitty af- ter all, and the other one is reaJlif the maid. Here's a go. 1\)M. And as foi- uiy being a i)Oor bank clerk, {Jaughs) you are mistaken, as T will prove to you later. Kitty. () papa, please consent, won't you ? ( tal-- ing his arm) CoLOXEL. Um, I don't know about this. Katy. (tabing his other arm) Yes, Colonel, do! Colonel, (looking admiringhi at Katy) Well — ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 07 Wallie. Tt will be very generous of you, sir. T am Colonel, (savagely) Shut up I I'l) attend to you in a minute, (to the re.^t) Well T consent. T su}3pose I icas a fool. Tom. {delighted) And will you stick to that, no matter what happens? Colonel, [with dignitg) Young man, my word is Lair, and when I say a tiling- T mean it. To:\i. [presenting Wallie to the Colonel) Then my dear Colonel, T take great pleasure in presenting my \ery dear friend and chum. Mr. Walter Watkins. CoLOXEL. {amazed) Your friend, what do you mean ? To:\i. Simply that we thought if we could show you bow this advertising scheme of yours would be apt to work out in practice, you would be willing to give it up. and make us both happy, as y(m have done. Colon i':i>. {yielding) Well, young j)eo]de. I guess I will bave to give in. (Kisses Kitty — shal-es hands irith Wallie.) Wallie. {taking the Colonel aside) No more trying to kiss the maid.. Colonel, {irinlt-ing) ('()L0ni;l. {aside) 'J'he maid ? Ob. ba, ba, hei-e, {tal'ing Katy hy tJie hand) ^ir. Watkins, allow me to present you to my friend, and my daughter's boon companion. Miss Katy Brayton. (Wallii: crosses fo Katy^ WwA.iE.i aside) Cee ! so you're not a nuiid at all, (aside) 'J'hen here's where 1 win out. Katy. {aside) He seems a very nice young man. Of that there is no doubt. Kitty. Dear Tom, for this most happy end. All credit's due to you. Tom. xVnd my reward, is to have won .\ wife as sweet as vou. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 016 102 405 3 2S ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. C'OLOXEL. There's just a word before we part, I'd like to say, dear friends: Concerning matters of the heart, And troubles Cupid sends. You'll find such things will blow away If, as I'm now advising, You seek those troubles to allay, By means of advertising O:\rxES. For a husband.* Wallie Katy. Colonel Kitty. Tom. CURTAIN. (*The use of this line for closing is optional.) LIBRARY OF CONGRtbb 016 102 405 3 #