LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. *PS 635 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Y E COURTSHYPPE OF Myles Staundyshe. YE COURTSHYPPE OF MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 1 A BURLESQUE IN FOUR ACTS. ■ PRESS OF H. C. STOOTHOFF, 72 JOHN STREET. new"york. ^A* b h &* Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, By Lester Williams Clark, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. TMP92-008943 DRAMATIS PERSONS. Miles Standish, John Alden, Hobomok, Priscilla, Mrs. Alden, Mrs. Mullen, Piety, 1 longsuffering, l_ . _, ., _ \- Puritan Maidens. Perseverance, Sobriety. ACT I. SCENE I. Miles Standish's Room with two ground windows at back. March sounds. Curtain rises. Enter r., Mrs. Alden, John, Hobomok, two Pur Maids. Enter l., Mrs. Mullen, Priscilla, Miles, two Pur. Maids. March, etc. Music changes. Mrs. M. (1) Now fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, And listeners, great and small, Since you have all assembled in ) This gay and festive hall : ) Miles. (2) We will rehearse, in dogg'rel verse, And voices far from mellow, The Courtship of Miles Standish which ) Was written by Longfellow. S Chorus. — Then softly, softly, we'll away, No longer in this den delay, This is the great Miles Standish room, Whose voice is like the crack of doom ; And if we get him mad he'll lurch That howitzer off the Puritan Church, Will bluster round, call out his man, And spoil all our fun ! Hob. (3) Of course, you all will mildly criticise, For what can mortals do, When made to write a new burlesque ) _ Within a week or two ? ) Pris. (4) And bear in mind, if you shall find A borrowed joke or pun, Bill Shakspere says there's naught orig- ) inal beneath the sun. J Chorus. YE COURTSHIPPE OF March, etc. Exeunt all but Miles and John. Miles seats himself at r. and reads half aloud ; John ditto at l. and writes with a scratchy pen. Large mosquito descends buzzing— flies alternately towards Miles and John . Miles. For Heaven's sake stop that infernal clatter ! Of all the deafening noises John. What's the matter ? Can't you stop nagging, Miles? it aint polite To start that buzzing every time I write To England. Time is short. Miles. And where's your breeding, To interrupt me when you see I'm reading, By humming as you write, John. It's mighty queer If you can keep up dinning in my ear At pleasure ; — but if I attempt Miles. I swear I'll not endure it longer, I — I Both. There! {Pointing at mosquito.) Song— Air "Shoo Fly!" John. I thought, I thought. I thought, j / j,^ x I thought it was a Jer — ) A Jer-sey mosquito. ( Thrice. ) And that is why I trembled so. Miles (to audience). Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, | / T wice.) Perhaps you have never heard ) About that ravenous brood ( Thrice.) And how they live on human food ! Both. If they, if they, if they, } ^ Twice ^ If they should ever try ) To live in Plymouth Bay ( Thrice. ) We'll pack for England right away ! MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 7 Miles. To England — no ! — another land awaits Our wanderings, — *the Island of the States, Or Staten Island ; founded as you know By Amsterdamers centuries ago. .John. What tho' they have no bridge to span the Kills ; What tho' the South Shore people do have chills ; Miles. What tho' there is, as yet, no water power, And horse cars never run but once an hour ; John. What tho' the ferry agent sometimes wont Do right, and will put on the Thomas Hunt ; Miles. Though cisterns now and then run low and dry, Just when their taxes run inversely high ! John. What then, — have they not gas, and gas bills, too ? Do they not archery ? — of course, they do ; Miles. Have they not boats, and contests at the oar, And games athletic, with the " tug of war ? " John. Have they not once a year a bang-up ball, And ten cent concerts in this very hall r Miles. Have they not straw rides, sleigh rides, coach rides, — whew ! A dancing class — and one for babies too ? John. Have they not Sunday strolls across the Dyke, The Terrace, Silver Lake, and Captain Ike ? Miles. Have they not John. Oh, we mustn't stand here bickering, Just sing that song of yours ; Miles. Oh, for a Chickering ! John. This one will do. Miles. All right, then ; if you please, Miss {looking towards pianist. ) John. Sh ! stop calling names. Miles Just touch the keys ! John. Pray, start a tune Miles. I really don't care much What it may be — but don't forget the touch ! * The following allusions are local, and are retained merely to preserve con- tinuity. YE COURTSHIPPE OF SONG. My name is Miles Standish, a veteran in arms ; I free these good people from all their alarms : I muster my band of a dozen true men, And flourish my broadsword as you do your pen. Cho. — Fi fo fum, my sword I brandish, ) T . I'm the original Captain Standish. i Although I delight in the science of war, A maiden there is who delighteth me more : But as I'm unable at present to do My courting I think I'll entrust it to you. Cho. Away to Priscilla, away, through the door ! You know where she lives for you've called there before : Approach as she stands by the wringer a-frilling, And whisper persuasively : u Standish is willing." Cho. John. Ah, Standish, that's the true poetic fire ; You've proved a greater than the Lesbian lyre Of yore. (Aside.) That's blarney, but this snarling cur Is apt to bite unless I smooth his fur. (Alond ) Now, Miles, if you would use my head and feet To make proposals to this lady sweet, What best were done, 'twere well 'twere quickly done. Give me your last commands: — the sport's begun. Miles. Here are some flowers, lad (handing them), they're fit to serve As messengers to Juno or Minerve : They speak of love in fitter words by far Than I could choose, who am a man of war. John. Yes, man-of war, retiring from the fight With nothing but top- gallant sails in sight! I'm off, and then we'll see if I can't prove That I'm the best top-gallant for his love ! (Exit John. ) MYLES STAUNDYSHE. Q SCENE II. Miles" {alone). Goto! farewell. But though thou art afar, I lead thee by the nose as asses are. Credulous boy, that through a veil so thin He could not see my purpose ; how, through him, I flatter my ambition, rise to fame And make the fair Priscilla change her name. In doing this, alas, he little dreams That he is busting up his mother's schemes. In double knavery — hm ! hm ! — let's see ; — A double purpose shall he serve for me. Miles Stan dish then secures the choicest prize That ever yet was viewed by mortal eyes. Oh, smooth dissimulator, skilled in grace, — A mighty fortune and a pretty face, — Such your rewards : while by this self-same blow His love-sick mother must my charms forego. For they are such, — unfathomable plight, — That the descending shadows of the night Find her, alas, with many other crones, Beneath my window, playing on the bones. Oh, happiness supreme! 'tis not for long I'll hear her doleful version of a song. [Sounds of distant music made by combs and tissue jiaper gradually groiv louder. ) Behold, she comes ! conceive it if you can, How trying this is for a bashful man ! ( Two heads bob up at windoivs at back of stage.) Bless me, there's two ! I really do not wonder I took it for the sound of distant thunder. But stop ! I know that melancholy tone Eliza Alden marks me for her own. Misguided love ! 'tis sad to hear her chant. (Music.) I can't stand this, upon my soul I can't. Oh, tragic fate ! I think it must be sad To lose what little brains you ever had. Thus do they triumph o'er the rights of man . IO YE COURTSHIPPE OF But stop ! I think I have a little plan. Noble Iago, let thy genius burn : I'll both deceive ; with each I'll flirt in turn. Thus shall the Captain in his pleasant way, Beguile the hours of a lazy day. (Seats himself. Windows are slowly pushed open.) Air : " En passant sous la fenetre." Mrs. M. (at right.) The evening dews are falling, The stars begin to shine ; Mrs. A. (at left.) The voice of love is calling To thee, for thou art mine. Mrs. M. Oh, wake and answer me, loved one dear, Mrs. A. Oh, sleep and dream of me hovering near. •~( Interlude on combs. ) Miles. Oh, mother Venus, queen of love on high, Stuff up my ears with wool, or let me die : Shadows of dumbness on their (looking to windows) lips descend. Oh ! will this caterwauling never end. (Drops in chair.) Mrs. M. (head appearing.) I fear thy life is lonely ; Mites, (at r. window.) Save but when thou art nigh ; Mrs. A. (head appearing.) Oh, say thou lovest me only ; Mites, (at l. window.) For thee I'd live and die ; Mrs. M. I long to enter. Miles. Oh, have no fear. Mrs. A. I dare not venture. Miles. Behold me near ! Both enter cautiously ; Miles, placing himself between them, takes the hand of each and leads them to front of stage, and then, joining their hands, quickly retries ; they turn slowly and see- ing each other start back in surprise QUICK CURTAIN. MYLES STAUNDYSHE. II ACT II. SCENE I. Forest. — Hobomok enters stealthily, examines front mysterious- ly, then comes forward and laughs. Hob. Hobomok now will undertake the task Of trying to explain, before you ask, The cause of all this mystery and mirth : And if he fails to make it clear through dearth Of words familiar to the white man's ear, Excuse mistakes and be not too severe. .John and Miles Stan dish love the maid Priscil ; (That magic name ! sit still, my heart, sit still!) I love her too, and Indian -like will take Great care and Inji-un-u-ity to make A wondrous woe and mischief 'twixt the two, And carry off the maiden ! wouldn't you? (Laughs.) Song— Air "Power of Gold," I am Hobomok, friend of the white man, friend of the maiden of Puritan fame. Many a foe will I slay to defend her, — white man or red will I scalp quite the same Sit still, my heart ! sit still, my heart ! sit still ! With Priscilla for a mate, ha ! ha ! Hobomok can challenge fate, ha ! ha ! Pleasant is the plunder, the plunder of war, Merry is the sound of war, ha ! ha ! Maiden of Plymouth so tender and coy, let us depart, to the wilderness fly ; Then in the wilds of the forest primeval, Stan dish and John we can safely defy. Sit still, my heart ! sit still, my heart ! sit still ! 12 YE COURTSHIPPE OF With Priscilla for a mate, ha ! ha ! Hobomok can challenge fate, ha! ha! Pleasant is the plunder, the plunder of war; Merry are the sounds of war, ha ! ha ! Footsteps. Listens. Pantomime. Hides behind small fir tree. Enter John blowing a toy whistle. Looks about. Sighs. John (sings. ) Oh, cheat your neighbor all you can, He'll do the same by you, And I'm the cove to marry my love, And paddle my own canoe ! You bet — they always do it so in our set. Up there upon the top of yonder hill Lives, with her widow r ed ma, the maid Priscil : Maid that is made for me, and not for Miles, Altho' the same has sent me by my wiles To carry her for Miles away ; but I Am not that very verdant sort of fly. The captain thinks I'd bark and would not bite, But he don't know me when beyond his sight ; And when he thinks that I'm his suit pursuing I'll change the trump, do for myself the wooing. My knave shall beat his king with Cupid's darts ; His trump is clubs but my trump shall be hearts. She shall be mine ; I swear it ! I'm a man Who say a thing and do it — if I can. But wherefore all this fuss ? Am I not Johnny Who many a time and oft have spent my money, And called for pretzel and zwei lager up at Silver Lake ? {Aside. ) It's Mayer & Bachmann's beer I always take. You watch me euchre this fine Captain Brag ; I'll have this girl and find him such a hag, He'll long to hie him to some foreign nunnery, And live alone without a wife, no-none-nary. MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 13 SONG. To the lovely Priscilla by Miles I am sent, Viva la Puritan maid! To win her for him by my own blandishment, Viva la Puritan maid ! But, oh! it's so lonely to live all alone, To live without loving through life's monotone, I think I will marry her all for my own, My own little Puritan maid. She's young and she's neat, so blithe and so sweet, Viva la Puritan maid ! She can stand on her ear, and alight on her feet, Viva la Puritan maid ! She can clear a gate lightly, or vault a rail fence, Knock over a rabbit two hundred yards hence, Or conjugate " amo " throughout every tense, Viva la Puritan maid. To make her more willing I'll play her a tune, Viva la Puritan maid ! And join my sweet voice to that of the moon, Viva la Puritan maid ! I'll sing and I'll dance in a manner so gay, That she'll never refuse me the quest of my lay, But will lay down her hand and so playfully say, I'm your own little Puritan maid! (Goes off quickly while singing last line.) ("Mrs. Alden comes on cautiously at r., carrying umbrella arid carpet bag filled with articles mentioned below ; looks up and down.) Mrs. A. Nobody in sight, the coast is clear ; Oh, if I haven't struggled to get here Before Jemima Mullen ! (Lets bag fall ) When I marry Miles, he will always have that bag to carry, I'm glad to say : I am all out of breath, But, even if it cause my very death , 14 YE COURTSHIPPE OF It is my solemn duty to warn Miles To guard himself against Jemima's wiles. {Takes out letter.) Why, bless me! there! I've gone and left my specs At home {rummages) no ! yes ! now that's enough to vex A saint : besides I know before I'm back That wily creature will be on my track. (Exit at k. as Mrs. Mullen enters at l ) Mrs. M. She thought she'd get ahead of me, but no Sly Mrs. Alden, you don't blind me so ! {Reads letter. ) "A raging toothache ; had to stay in bed; Wouldn't I come and sit with her instead ? " ( Tears letter.) If there's a humbug underneath the sun Then Mary Ann Eliza Alden's one ! (Enter Mrs. A. , reading aloud from long roll of paper.) Mrs. A. " Avoid Jemima, I alone am true, The widow Mullen's not the one for you ; Hove but one alone, and you are he, {suddenly sees Mrs. M.) My gracious goodness, did I ever see Such impudence! a-coming after me And snooping round to hear what I shall say To master Miles ! shoo ! get out of my way ! Mrs. M. Your way, indeed ! upon my word you're cool ; Apparently you take me for a fool ! Look at your letter, madam, torn in scraps ! After the penwipers and smoking caps I've manufactured for that blessed man, Just try and stop my coming if you can ! ( Turns on heel.) Mrs. A. {viaving hands.) We'll choose another subject. Here comes John ! {Enter John saunteringly ; sees mothers.) John. I'm burning with impatience to be gone. Mrs. A. We'll not detain yon : a few trifles, dear, For you to take to master Miles to cheer His solitude ; for, when he's miles away, MYLES STAUNDYSHE. I 5 These slippers may remind him of a day When one fond heart Mrs. M. Pooh ! they re a deal too large ! And can't be altered without extra charge ; 'T would break his heart to have to pay a penny For slippers, when he now has got so many: I've worked five pair ; (to John) just drop those in the street, And take him mine ; the pattern is so sweet, And so John. I'll put his little shoes away, And make him wear these slippers every day ; Especially on muddy days and rainy, Just for economy, — he has so many ! Mrs. A And take him this {unfolds bandanna) and tell him love is true : It's second-hand but quite as good as new. Mrs. M. {inquisitively.) Love or the handkerchief? Mrs. A. Who spoke to you? He'll need this wrapper in this desert drear, To breakfast in : — it makes me drop a tear ! John. It makes me want to drop this horrid trash, — They'll take me for a Jew, " old clo's for cash ! " {They load him more.) Hold on, for Heaven's sakel I've got enough To carry now, — I can't take all this stuff ! Mrs A I see you, ma'am ; be good enough to stop it ; Stuffing those tracts into that wrapper pocket ! Mrs. M. If you'd make tracks for home you'd be a wiser And better woman , Mary Ann Eliza ! John. Go it ! the sooner I get off the better ! Mrs M. You needn't think I didn't see that letter That you put in with such prodigious care, I shouldn't think, Eliza, you would dare Mrs A. To think a woman of your age, a mother, Could tell such fibs : oh, I shall surely smother ! {Fans. ) John. I'll leave the two Kilkenny s squabbling here, And take this opportunity to clear ! 10 YE COURTSHIPPE OF Quite a nice outfit (views himself) I have now secured ; Altho\ I must say, I should have preferred A forty dollar Ulster ! still a bird In hand is worth a dozen in the (Exit.. ) Mrs. A. John ! Don't tell me that that wretched boy is gone ! He might have waited just another minute ; Look at that bag ; he hasn't half that's in it ! Mrs M. What, gone ! and 1 had so much more to send To master Miles ; he is my only friend (Sighs.) Two lone lorn women in the world we'd be — Me and Priscilla, — were it not for he ! Mrs. A. Fiddle ! more likely he's the only string Your bow has got, ridiculous old thing ! Well, something we must do ; what shall it be ? A song ? What is there you can sing with me ? ( Both pause and ruminate. ) We might try ' ' There's a man in our town : " Mrs. A. But your voice is so queer; when I go down, Then you go up ; when I go up again, You're singing bass like half a dozen men. Mrs. M. I know your voice is very cracked and high, But I'll sing alto loud, — we can but try. (Each holds sheet of music ; they begin ; Mrs. M. sings false until interrupted. ) Mrs. A. There, now you're off again ! you're always wrong. I think we'll have to try some other song. Mrs. M. I'm doing beautifully ! come along ! Song. — Air " There was a Man," etc. Both. There is a man in our town, His Christian name is Miles. Mrs. M. I think he's very fond of me ! Mrs A. I know he'd rather talk to me ! I'll marry him ! MYLES STAUNDYSHE. I 7 Mrs. M. You won't ! You won't ! I'll marry him ! Mrs. A. You shan't ! You shan't ! Both. You needn't, you needn't think that you'll have Miles. (Both eye each other contemptuously from head to foot ; walk across and eye again.) Mrs. A. You marry Miles ! the very idea, you! (Laughs.) How would he look with such a kangaroo Walking beside him ! Mrs M. (with dignity ) No reflections, ma'am ; He'd have to have the temper of a lamb To live with you ! besides, ma'am, truth is truth, — He'd rather have Priscilla than us both ! (Sing.) Both, But if we see our chance is poor With that Priscilla's wiles, Mrs. M. I'll send her off to York citee, Mrs. A I'll see she never comes to tea, I'll cut her out ! Mrs. M. You won't ! You won't ! I'll cut her out ! Mrs. A You shan't ! You shan't ! Both. You needn't, you needn't think that you'll have Miles ! (In last verse both grow excited keeping time with umbrellas ; music changes; they skirmish and fence furiously ; make final charge, miss each other, and exeunt at op}iosite sides.) (Hobomok comes from behind tree, picks up hat, etc.; hears music; retires.) SCENE II. Music of "Meerschaum Pipe,'* Enter Maidens to slow step, hands folded, chanting. Maidens. Oh ! who will take that girl away, Will take that dreadful girl away, Oh ! who will take Priscilla off, The men they like her so ! »o YE COURTSHIPPE OF They never give a look at us, It's all that horrid little fuss, We all might have a chance at John, If she were far away ! 1 if. Oh ! I have got a bright idea ; I see Hobomok drawing near. We'll give him fifty cents to take Priscilla far away ! 2 M. (looking off stage. ) Here comes Hobomok, horrid savage man ! Perhaps we'd better use him if we can. 3 M. If unveiled Beauty seems of no avail, The " dollar of our daddies " may not fail. {Enter Hobomok. Throws up hands. ) Hob. How ! how ! ! 1 M Great chief, in you we must confide, Nor from your simple nature try to hide The burden of our bitter wasting woe : We have a very heavy row to hoe ! 2 M No longer have we partners for the dance, Nor in the Hymeneal race a chance : No escort down to Newport or Long Branch, Altho' on such a journey we would launch As soon as, on the longer voyage of life , ( Very demurely. ) We'd undertake to be a willing wife ! 4 M. The name of her who causes us this task You know full well, and therefore need not ask. Hob. I am Hobomok, friend of Sitting Bull, The Shawmut's chief, of whom my camp is full. Me heap big Indian, — big in peace and war ; A relative of Joseph's youngest squaw. The sole survivor of the braves who died In Philip's war : nor will I try to hide (Except in rumj my sorrow for the loss Of Captain Jack, and brother Crazy Horse. MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 1 9 3 M. Most noble redskin, do us this good turn, We'll do our best your pedigree to learn 1 4 M. If you will rid us of this horrid pest The next time Congress meets we'll do our best To get you an appropriation which In money, wives and drink will make you rich. Hob. I am a savage of untutored mind, But should, indeed, be very loth to find That you had gone to trouble or expense To find for me a proper recompense. I want but little now ; the highest end And aim of my ambition is to send To the " Industrial School " * a young papoose, To learn to sew, to read, to be some use ! In short, to end the matter and be brief, I think I'd like for both " Outdoor Relief! " * 2 M. Oh, redman, redman ! we will never tell Into whose hands the pale-faced maiden fell ! 3 M. Do take her off : it makes no difference where. 4 M. Whether to Jersey, Turkey or Asi- are ! Hob. Hobomok, earliest friend of pale-faced men, Friend of Ben. Franklin and of Billy Penn, Puritan maidens loveth as of old, Loveth the maidens, — but {mysteriously) prefers their gold ! 1 M Oh, pretty Indian, pity us forlorn, Accept this gift. ( Gives money. ) Hob. Get off my Indian corn. 2 M. Hobomok, think how you would feel, Here's forty cents. (Gives same.) Hob. Won't buy an Indian meal. 3 M. Rub up your brain, decide or I shall blubber, Hob. Ugh ! do you call that thing an Indian rubber ? 4 M Sharpen your wits, put off that lazy smile. ( Gives money. ) Hob. To sharpen wits ? yes, that's the Indian file. (He pockets money and laughs ; all come forward and sing.) * Local. 20 YE COURTSHIPPE OF Air " Daffney do you love me ? " Hob. Oh, Puritan maidens I love you so. Ms Oh, Hobomok, we love you now! Hob. To what you ask I can't say no. Ms. Oh, Hobomok. we love you now! Hob. Of Sarsparil you shall be rid. Ms. Oh, Hobomok, we love you now ! Hob. In the dark wood she shall be hid. Ms.- Oh Hobomok, we love you now ! Chorus. — Oh, we're so glad, we're so glad, We're so glad Priscilla's going, We're so glad, we're so glad, Our Johnny's going to stay ! (During chorus Maidens join hands and dance about Hobo- mok in a ring. ) Hob I'll snake her off through the back door. Ms Oh, Hobomok, we love you now ! Hob. And you shall never see her more. Ms. Oh, Hobomok, we love you now ! Hob. But Johnny's life it shall be spared. Ms. Oh, Hobomok, we love you now! Hob. By one of you he may be snared. Ms. Oh, Hobomok, we love you now ! Chorus. — Oh, we're so glad, we're so glad, etc. {Exeunt Maidens l.; Hobomok goes to leave by r., and runs into Miles entering ; utters ha ! ha!) Miles. Holloa ! Hobomok, one might think you felt, You laugh so loud, that, dangling at your belt, Which girds itself about your daily rations, Were countless scalps of all the Seven Nations Hob. Hark, noble pale -face ! mighty Captain Miles ! And I will tell the reason of my smiles. Miles. Go on ! Hob. While 'neath the shade of yonder tree I heard a song, and peeking, chanced to see MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 2 I John Alden making known, in verse, bis will To cut you out and marry maid Priscil. I laughed ha! ha! I laughed in savage glee To see a swindler swindled! ha! ha! hee! For I decided, without more ado To tomahawk his plan by telling you ! Miles. After the care I've spent on him, by gum ! To think that Johnny to such fraud should come. Hob. No matter, Cap., we'll undermine his plot, A thing which we can do as well as not. You seize and carry off the maid, while I Will roam the woods : who knows but bye-and-bye Some sunny afternoon , when all is still, On Johnny Alden I may fall and (hoarsely) kill ! Miles. Sh! sh ! The trees have ears! (meaningly) thou art the star Of my existence (puts rain in hand) : fare thee well ! Hob. Ha ! ha ! Before he's time that mission to fulfil, I'll intercept and carry off Priscil. Mischief is brewing ! Treason rides on high ! And either White-or Red-man low must lie ! QUICK CURTAIN. 2 2 YE COURTSHIPPE OF ACT III. SCENE I. Priscilla's Room. — Priscilla discovered at ivash tub, which is so arranged that a person can escape through it. Priscilla is putting clothes through the wringer attached to the tub. Song. — Air " Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone?" Pris. Oh where, oh where, is that mother of mine ? Oh where, oh where can she be ? She ought to be here to turn this crank, "While I go out to tea ! I'm always put to this horrid grind, It's mean, as mean can be ! Just when I wanted to take a walk John Alden for to see. ( Enter John unseen. ) Pris. Speak of an angel and you're sure to hear The creaking of that angel's little shoe, John. So says Bill Shakspere Pris. (sees John). Well I do declare, It's Johnny Alden ! Why, John, how d'ye do ? I'm glad you've come, for ma — the mean old thing — Has left me here with all these clothes to wring. Oh, it's just like her, she's off on a spree, But since you've come I shan't so lonely be. You'll help me, won't you? Ain't mammas a bore? I thank my stars I haven't any more. Bill Shakspere says, and he was wondrous wise, One mother's quite enough to spoil one's pies. John. You're right, Priscilla as you always are Of course, I'll help you Pris. Don't move off so far I MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 23 John, But first accept these flowers, little maid, Before, by envy killed, they droop and fade. I plucked them ere the morning sun was high, For you, Priscilla. (aside.) Thunder, what a lie ! PHs. Oh, thank you, Johnny, flowers are a treat. " No rose from other hands would smell as sweet." That's Billie's nonsense, not my thoughts you know, I wouldn't have the cheek to flatter so. Now be a good boy, — here's a dress to wring, You'll find the crank turns faster if you sing. Song. — " We sat by the river. " John. We sat by the wringer, you and I, In the sweet washing days, long ago : The clothes they so gently glided by To the music of our voices sweet and low. But, ah ! we had trouble, you and I, With that wringer, as we turned on and on, For half of a garment stayed behind, And the other floated onward all alone; — And, oh ! we were maddened, you and I, For your ma had been listening at the door, And we knew, when we saw her awful eye, That we'd sit by that wringer never more ! John. My goodness gracious ! don't you sometimes find Your arms are tired by this horrid grind ! Pris. Yes, but ma makes me, it's no use to mope, So I quote Shakspere — " While there's life there's soap." I only pray, while filial tears upstart, Ma may experience a change of heart. John. May change her heart ! oh, what sane man would dare To change hearts with an untamed polar bear? But see, Priscilla, I've my trials too, And, bless me, if I don't confide in you ! — You know Miles Standish, red nosed Captain Miles, But, dear Priscilla, you don't know his wiles, 2\ YE COURTSHIPPE OF His tricks and manners, ways both dark and bad, — His horrid temper, — why, when he gets mad His wicked, naughty words would make you sad. Donkey and booby are pet names for me, And when he's awful mad he says a d Pris. Oh, Johnny Alden ! can this really be ? John. My dear Priscil. " I cannot tell a lie ! " My brother James is truthful, so am I. For six long years I've kept in Miles' wake, Serving him faithfully, there's no mistake. On land and sea, beneath each changing sky, I've blacked his boots — I'd like to black his eye. No Turk or Russian could so savage be, My life has been one long, long agony. ( weeps.) Pris. My poor, dear Johnny ! There now, don't you cry. Here's ma's best table-cloth to wipe your eye. John. But I'll not stand it, no, I never will, I'll prick his gullet,— yea, I'll fight, I'll kill. Some night, when all is quiet, Brutus-like, I'll take my goose-qaill and I'll strike, I'll strike ! Pris. That's not the righteous path you're taught to tread, Heap coals of lire upon his wicked head, And hum the old curmudgeon in his bed. John. 'Tis not the harm to me I fear or dread, {confidentially) 'Tis whispered in the town by tongues unwary Of idle gossips, that he means to marry, And, oh, with whom? % Pris. I really cannot guess. John. "With you, Priscilla! Pris. Well, I must confess I'm staggered ; who indeed had ever thought The Captain could to sentiment be brought. There's many a worse fish in the sea, I think ; Perhaps John, (aside.) Good Heavens ! is she on the brink ? Pris. Perhaps — (aside) — he's touched : — Oh Cupid, why not try MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 25 To bring things to a crisis bye -and -bye. John, (aside ) There's clanger in her voice's soft inflection, I must lead on and bring out Miles' rejection. (aloud) Oh, sister 'Scil ! this Miles you must not wed, His smiles are hollow, hollo wer still his head. Pris. (interrupting.) But, John, I cannot stand this dreadful life, I'm sure I'd rather be an old man's wife And darling, than my cruel mother's slave. John. Why not a young man's darling— (aside) — John, be brave ! Pris. I can't imagine what you're driving at — Oh dear you make my heart go pit-a-pat. (aside.) If that don/t fetch him I'll just pile it on. John, (aside) Ah, how I wish her heart would pity John. Pris Why don't he take my hand, the bashful fool, Let go my hand, sir ; (John takes it) well, now, this is cool. Perhaps you think I'd just as lief you'd stay Squeezing my hand forever and a day — Come, tell me what you think I'd better do if Captain Miles proposes to John. To you? Take down his impudence a peg or two ! There's many a man within this village fair For your sweet sake, would gladly, boldly dare All things on earth, — eat crocodiles, and swear 'Twas luscious eating and extremely nice When baked in mud, — and tempting, at the price. Pris. In which, case, John, allow me a suggestion, Love would not save him from an indigestion. But pray continue, what would he do next? John. I've nothing more to say. Pris. There, now, you're vexed. John. If you will trifle, I Pris. You silly boy, Let's kiss and make it up. What, are you coy ? I only meant my hand, — you needn't blush, — John, don't repeat such sentimental mush, — 26 YE COURTSHIPPE OF I've heard such nonsense fifty times before And know its worth. The man whom I adore, I mean, I shall adore, won't waste his breath In whining out his readiness for death If I demand it. He'll just stick to facts And prove his mettle by his noble acts. John. What would you have him use his mettle for? Pris. Oh, he must write me verses by the score, And be right clever, give his wits no rest, Welcome each coming, speed each parting jest ; He must not for too much debating tarry, But to the point, and ask me if I'll marry. John? I'll answer for him, if he's half a man He'll do the best, Priscilla, that he can. Pris. You'll answer for him, why not go right on, And speak up for yourself, you timid John? (Sings.) SONG. Pris. I had a dream the other night when all was dark and still, I dreamt I saw John Alden a-coming up the hill; His coy and bashful glances, and the some- what anxious way That he looked around, convinced me that he'd something nice to say. Speak for yourself John, — John. I don't dare to, — Pris. Speak for yourself, John, — John. I'm afraid of you, — Pris. Speak for yourself, John Alden, Or tell the reason why! Cho. — Tra, la, la, etc. Pris. There are not many fellows that ma can stand, you know she's an awful fuss, But, perhaps, if you act discreetly, she won't make much of a muss : MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 27 I'm sure I've said all that I ought, and all that a Puritan maiden can ; Mamma will return directly — (jpawses) — Oh ! you horrid, stupid man ! Cho. — As above. ( Exit John. ) Faint heart ne'er won fair lady, so they say, Take courage, Johnny, {turns towards John) la ! he's run away . Ah me ! I wish he were not quite so shy, I'll bring him to the point yet, — or I'll die. Its too provoking ; he was almost there When he grew frightened: — I should like to swear, But poor, down- trodden women are so cowed By tyrant man, they daresn't swear — aloud ! That time will change ; we'll have our rights ere long. Meanwhile I'll ease my feelings by a song (Sings. ) SONG. Oh, I'm so fond of Johnny, I never can say no ! And if he pops the question, Right off with him I'll go. Oh, his hair is like the sunset, His eyes of china blue, And his mouth's so large and comely, An elephant might go through. Ma thinks him very odious, Aunt Susan calls him "beast! " But then there's one great comfort, — /don't care in the least. ( Exit Prisctlla at l. ) 28 YE COURTSHIPPE OF SCENE II. {Enter Miles mysteriously by window at r ; Hobomok ditto by window at l.; look cautiously about; nod to each other ; Miles takes Hobomok's hand mysteriously and leads him to front of stage. Lights down . ) Miles, {loud whisper.) Air we the men we think we airf Hob. {two chords on piano.) We air (hoarsely) ! Miles, {loud xohisper.) Were we not bound to do the deed ? Hob. (two chords. ) ■ We were ! Miles, (loud whisper.) Swear we to back each other up? Hob. (two chords. ) We swear ! Miles. 'Tis well. Unto this scheme I lend my name ! You cooked the plot, you know, and so the blame Will fall on you, — the glory, too; (Hob. scowls) nay, frown Not on me so : I yield you the renown ! ( Hob. adjusts wringer. ) (to audience.) John Alden soon a wooing will return, And yon, kind listeners, shall straightway learn What we are up to. (to Hobomok) Is the wringer ready ? Hob. (nodding.) Yum! Yum! Miles. All right ! Hobomok, man, be steady ! Conduct the thing with just as little racket As — (sees John reluming) — here he is: brace up! pull down your jacket ! (Enter John. J John. I hadn't thought of finding you here. Miles, (insolently.) No? We'd planned on finding you here long ago. John. I wasn't long : I saw you cross the lane. Miles. You'll longer be when you go out again. (Nudges Hobomok. ) Hob. Much longer. ( Winks at Miles. ) John, (inquiiingly.) What's afoot ? Miles, (loudly.) Afoot! say four. You'll hit the mark, (nudges Hob ) eh, scalpy, eh? Hob. Haw! haw! MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 29 John, {excitedly.) Stop that hoarse laughter ! Hob. Ha ! ha ! John. Don't you hear ? Drown that loud bellow ! Hob. Ha! ha! Miles. • Never fear ! The ringing of his laugh will music be Matched with the wringing that's in store for thee ! John. I have n't understood a word you've said ; That ringing joke I can't get through my head. Miles. Not through your head! then get your head through it, Likewise your heels, we'll help you through a bit ! Come on, Hobomok, clap your nippers under His head : I'll take his heels (they so seize him.) Hob. Oh ! bite like thunder ! (Both seize John, and. with difficulty carry and drag him to tub, and force him into it ; they then begin to pull through the wringer a pasteboard effigy, dressed and painted to resemble John. ) Hob. Me no like Miles. Go on ! don't be chicken-hearted ! Just give the crank a turn to get him started ! (Hobomok turns ; head of effigy appears ; Miles pulls effigy partly through ; Hobomok turns crank savagely. ) Miles. No hurry now, Hobomok, don't get wild ; A few turns more ; he's coming ! Hob. Draw it mild! (Miles putts effigy out.) Miles, (tragically.) Return, Priscil! no longer will you doubt, When viewing " linked sweetness long drawn out." Hereafter you may estimate your treasure.. Like carpeting, by superficial measure ! {kneels down by effigy. ) When she discovers what a strait he's in What will she say, Hobomok ? Hob. Ugh ! too thin ! 3 Til interrupt the silly pair, forsooth, — (takes John by sleeve.) John, go right home! 56 YE COURTSHIPPE OF Mrs. M. (to Miles. ) Can one forget one's youth So soon ? Mrs. A. {listening ) Her voice has a dangerous tone ! Miles. Grant me (to Mrs. M.J one moment's interview (Mrs. A. comes up, dropping John) alone! Mrs. A. Well, if there really ain't another man, I reckon I must do the best I can ; Rather than let Jemima Mullen jeer I'll put up with a heathen, — come my dear, (takes him by the ear. ) Hob. Me very glad to have such squaw, — although Me rather let these sweet end-ear-ments go ! Mrs. M. He seems to think his courage will be tried. Dear Miles, I'm glad that you look satisfied. Mrs. A. A fool could see that he was very far From being pleased. (To Hob.) Why don't you smile? Hob. (with sober face. ) Ha ! ha ! ( Enter Glazier. ) SONG. Oh where, oh where, are those madchens gone ! Oh where, oh where, could they was? They have treated me queer and have left me here, And this is the why because. Cho. — Oh, those madchens, those madchens, naughty madchens, ( Thrice. ) And this is the why because. Away they have gone, though I raised their John : They just slid away like grease. And they left behind, in a manner unkind, This counterfeit fifty-cent piece. Cho.— Oh, etc. You may bet ace high, that just bye-and bye, I'll find where those madchens was. And I'll levy a tax on their little greenbacks, Just to show them the why because ! Cho.— Oh, etc. Glaz. Just look at that ! you think dat thing would bring One cent in any junk shop ? hear it ring ! (flings it on stage.) MYLES STAUNDYSHE. 57 All, tell me, friends, where was those inadchens four? You must have seen them 'round this place before ! I'm ruined else I have more pay than this, — Say you, where ivas those maidens? Hob. (who has been exploring ) Dere dey is ! (Enter Maidens mourning.) Song — ' ' Danube River." Oh, Johnny, how could you allow That maid our love to sever, We're going away this very day, To mourn our loss forever. Our hopes are floored, that little fraud Has foiled our endeavor ; Our hearts are rent, our money spent, — Farewell, dear John, forever. Glaz. Ah, fraulein, dry those tears,— just trust to me ; I'll get you married quick enough, — you see. All. And will you marry us ? Glaz. You know the law Will make us all go first out to Utah. I'll ask your pas : now that the times are hard, They may be glad to get you each a pard. 1 M. Ill not consent! 2 M. Nor I! 3 M. I'd rather be An old maid. 3 M. So we would. Glaz, Let's trust to Pris. Me. Since all good plays, like candles, have their ends, Let's snuff this ivicked one and save our friends From being wearied ; they've endured so long, I'm sure they'd like to hear our parting song. ( To audience. ) Just think you're satisfied and let it rest, We all have tried to do our level best. I YE COURTSHYPPE OF MYLES STAUNDYSHE. (Miles and Mrs. M. advance. ) SONG. Miles. Jemima is won, my labor is done, To England we soon shall go. Mrs M. But first we'll appear in Paris, my dear, And order a new trousseau* {Retire. ) (Mrs. A. and Hobomok advance.) Mrs. A, Some day I will fetch this Indian wretch To dance you another jig. Hob And then I will float a swallow-tail coat, And also a larger wig. {Retire. ) (John and Priscilla advance.) John. Now girls if you find a man to your mind, Pray don't try his patience too far. Pris If you want him to speak just turn t'other cheek, And whisper ' ' go ask mama." {Retire.) (Glazier advancing with Maidens.) Maids. We bid you good-bye with a tearful eye, We're off for the Mormon land. Glaz A-coaching we'll go through Colorado, With a Puritan four-in-hand. All. Miles Standish' courtship now is o'er, We can not burlesque any more, So we bid farewell in a parting song to all, Before we let the curtain fall. Fare ye well, we now must leave you, Do not let our parting grieve you. Fare ye well, we now must leave you, Fare ye well ! CURTAIN. k,i . :.