PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS SOME NEW PLAYS "^ MOLLY BAWN# 35 cents. A comedy drama in 4 acts, by Marie Doran. 7 male, 4 female characters (or by doubling, 5 male and 3 female). Time, about 2 hours. Based upon incidents from a story by "The Duchess. "_ The story is woven about Eleanor Masserene {Molly Bawn), whose mother eloped with a young Irishman, which has so embittered her grandfather that he disinherited her. After many years of loneliness he sends for Molly. How the coquettish heiress wiris the hard, old man, is worked out in the play sometimes in a comedy setting and again in strong dramatic • tenseness. $10.00 royalty per performance by amateurs, ^UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK; or. Married In Ttirty Days. 25 cents. A comedy in 5 acts, by O. E. Young. 6 male, 6 female charac- ' ters. I interior scene. Time, 2 hours. Charles Chester, a young man of leisure, succeeds in running up several bills. At last his landlord, facob Sharp, threatens to imprison him unless his board bill is paid. His aunt's promise to help him out for the last time if he marries within thirty days forces him to propose to every girl he meets, which naturally gets him into more trouble. Through his effort to get out of the tangle many funny situations arise. Among the characters are a very funny chamber-' maid and her sweetheart, a darkey cook, a comical bellhop, a clever detective, etc. ^WAIT AND SEE* 25 cents. A comedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. Clifford. 7 males, 7 females, i easy interior. Time, i^4 hours. At a week end party one of the guests endeavors to purloin an important document, compelling a girl over whom he believes he has control to assist him. While they are trying to open the safe they are discovered by the butler who proves to be an old trusted retainer of the girl s father. Although the man tries to fasten the guilt upon the butler and the girl, he is unsuccessful and a happy climax is reached. Among others it hasjan excellent soubrette role, *WIVES;ON A STRIKE. 25 cents, a comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian Sutton Pelee, 6 male, 7 or more female characters. Time, 3 hours, 3 interior scenes. Costumes varied. At a meeting of the Wives Welfare Club, it is decided to "go on Strike" and /ane Spink is to make the test case. The wives' grievances greatly amuse Betty, a bride of 30 days, who boasts of her husband's angelic qualities. Her first offence of having supper late causes such a row that Betty also decides to *'go on strike." Betty's scheme to make her husband change his set ideas about woman's rights is the cause of all the mix-up. How the strike is won and the hus- bands taken back is cleverly depicted in the play, A parrot who swears at the right moment adds to the funny situations. 'AtHIS sisters. 25 cents. A farce in 1 act; by Beulah King. 1 male, and 8 female characters •, or 9 female characters as the male may easily be impersonated by a female character, i interior. Time, 30 minutes. Three sisters, who adore their handsome older brother, secretly plot to have him marry their particular friends* How their plans are all upset and matters finally smoothed out is cleverly told in this play, "ji^SUlTED AT LAST* 2S cents, a sketch in I act, by Elizabeth Urquhart. 7 females and a discharged soldier, i interior. Time, about 40 minutes. Dorothy, a newly-wed wife, is in search of a cook; her mother, herchum, her Aunt Jane give much advice as to how she shall interview the various applicants, in fact, so much so, that Dorothy is utterly confused and finally engages just what her husband has advised from the beginning. *ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 3S cents, a collection of short mono- logues suitable particularly for encores, but are available for any occasion to fill in for a few minutes ; contains black-face, Hebrew, a fond mother, a rube monologue, etc, *GORGEOUS CECILE. The. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters, i interior. Time, 2 hours. Max, the son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has remained obdurate to all of their matrimonial plans. Upon his return home for a visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are frustrated, as it is " The Gorgeous Cecile" to whom he turns. The parts are all good and well contrasted, with sparkling dialogue and plenty of action. Unacquainted With Work or Married in Thirty Days A Comedy-Drama in Five Acts By O. E. YOUNG Author of '* Little Red Mare,"' "Riding the Goat,' "Major Kelly s Cork Leg," etc. Copyright, 1920, by Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation ff? Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation Successor to Dick & Fitzqeralb 18 Vesey Street JSJew ^ork ^^' 'Q OCT -5 1920 iQCiD 53707 Note. — The professional acting and moving picture rights of this play are expressly reserved by the pub- lishers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation may be made without such application and without charge. Unacquainted With Work or Married in Thirty Days CHARACTERS Charlie Chester, A young man unacquainted with work Jacob Sharp A landlord who wants his money Billy Briefless, Just admitted to the bar, in love with Elsie Mike Murphy, A pugilistic aspirant and Biddy* s young man Bennie Bellhopp. .Bellboy at ''The Drummer's Best'' Justus Ketchum {to double with Mandy) A detective Elsie Andrews. Jacob's niece Biddy McMullen A chambermaid Aramantha Artichoke, A wealthy widow, Charlie's aunt Andromeda Applewood, Agent for ''A Daughter of the Gods" Sally Sausage A "dark lady" and a cook Mandy Murch A scrub woman; later the detective Time. — The present. Locality. — A small village. Time of Playing. — Two and a half hours. 3 4 Unacquainted With Work SYNOPSIS Act I. — Parlor of **The Drummer's Rest," a small village hotel. Act II. — Same as Act I, one week later. Act III. — Same as Act II, a few days later. Act IV. — Same as Act III, one week later. Act V. — Same as Act IV, the twenty-ninth day. COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS Charlie Chester, age twenty-three; medium size, good-looking and pleasing in manners; well, though somewhat foppishly dressed in a summer suit such as might be worn at the seaside or a mountain resort, some- what pronounced in style; has a small mustache and light hair, somewhat wavy. Jacob Sharp, age sixty; tall, lanky and awkward; somewhat bald, with long, stringy hair a little gray ; has a white ' ' Uncle Sam ' ' chin beard and wears glasses ; ill- fitting gray business suit, white shirt, celluloid collar and black tie; appears like typical well-to-do farmer; wears soft, black felt hat with wide, flopping brim on occasion. Billy Briefless, age twenty-five ; small, dark, smooth- faced, plain, inferior and cunning in appearance and manner; wears a dark, somewhat shabby business suit, a striped negligee shirt with gorgeous tie ; when need be, wears a stiff black hat, a little rusty and out of style. Mike Murphy, age twenty-eight; more than medium size, but quick-motioned and alert ; hair black, cut short and worn pompadour; smooth shaven, but beard shows blueblack under skin; has on checked suit of *'loud*' pattern, a blue flannel shirt with screaming red tie, sport- ing huge horseshoe pin; wears ponderous watchguard across vest ; generally has on a Scotch cap with visor pulled down over one ear and shading an eye. Justus Ketchum, age forty-five ; medium size, quiet and unobtrusive in manners, but quick and alert upon occasion; smooth faced and wears gold bowed gh Unacquainted With Work 5 has on plain business suit, neat and in good taste but not such as to attract attention ; wears a pearl-gray felt hat, white shirt and a standing collar, with a plain blue tie. As Mandy Murch has straggly, yellow-brown wig, wears a faded calico dress skirt of exaggerated pattern, a shabby black shawl and a battered old hat ; she is af- flicted with toothache and has face tied up in a red bandana. Bennie Bellhopp, age fifteen, small, freckled and red- headed; pert and saucy in appearance; wears blue knickerbocker suit with brass buttons, and a blue cap when required; fancy shirt and bright tie, in bow with flowing ends. Elsie Andrews, age twenty-one; slender and pretty with abundant hair becomingly arranged; has on neat, well-fitting house dress with a white collar, blue ribbons and a coquettish little ruffled white apron, with pockets. Attractive and good to look at. Biddy McMullen, age twenty-five, short, dumpy and weighs two hundred and a quarter; pimply, red-faced and tow-headed ; hair looks like a bewitched barley stack ; waddles when she walks; has on a red dress with huge black-and-white figure, half way to knee in front but much longer in back, a big gingham apron in large blue- and-white checked pattern, huge, flapping slippers, and wrinkled white stockings. Has a ''sloppy" appearance generally. Aramantha Artichoke, age sixty-five; small and weazened but spry and active; wears glasses; has an abundance of brown hair, somewhat gray, parted in middle and combed smoothly down over her ears; wears plain dark dress and white apron at home; traveling dress of black silk, a red shawl with old-fashioned ''Panama" figure in black; old-styled black velvet bon- net with a bunch of cherries on it. Andromeda Apple wood, age forty; tall and spare and dresses young; wears short, tight -fitting walking suit of showy appearance, elaborately trimmed with laces and ribbons ; wears abundance of jewelry and has hair fluffed 6 Unacquainted With Work and curled prodigiously ; huge picture hat with profusion of trimming, bronze boots, of considerable size, with tassels, and pale blue stockings ; carries a big red book. Sally Sausage, age twenty-eight; a "chocolate-drop," plump, with frizzled hair, ultra-fashionably attired in colors that fairly shriek, with gorgeous hat; wears a pearl-colored veil and green kid gloves in first act. Mandy Murch. See Justus Ketchum. PROPERTIES Charlie. — Hat, gloves, bundle of tradesmen's letters, empty pocketbook, fountain pen, several coins, knife, bunch of keys, and a corkscrew. Jacob. — Fountain pen, bill, bond, fat pocketbook. Billy. — Bill, revolver. Justus. — Big leather pocketbook, handcuffs. Elsie. — Feather duster, bandages. Biddy. — Broom. Andromeda. — Big red book. Mandy.— Scrubbing brush, big dishpan, flask. STAGE DIRECTIONS As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- ence, R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center. d. c, door at center; d. r., door at right; d. l., door at left. Up means toward back of stage;- down, toward footlights. Unacquainted With Work or Married in Thirty Days ACT I SCENE.— ParZor of ''TJie Drummer's Rest,'' fur- nished in the manner of a country hotel in a small New England village. Door at c, leading to cor- ridor and the hotel apartments. Door at r. leading to rooms occupied by the family and help. Door at L. leading to the street. Large Morris chair DOWN R. c. Tahle down l. c. with small chairs at each end. Letters on table, also bell. Other fur- niture ad libitum. ENTER D. L. Charlie, wearing hat, gloves, etc. Charlie {removing gloves). Gee! Skinner and Soakum won't let me have any more clothes till I pay up — and I haven't a penny! {Advances and throws hat and gloves on table) Hullo! {Takes handful of letters from table and shuffles them over) More bills ! Pay in- side of thirty days, of course ! ( Throws down letters un- opened) If Auiit Aramantha would only shell out — but no, she's as hard-hearted as my landlord's niece, who refuses to marry me unless I work. {Sits l. of table) Work! The idea! I'm not acquainted with the gentle- man. ENTER Jacob d. r., bill in hand, and goes c. Jacob. Well, Mr. Chester, pay your board for the last six months. Charlie (asicZe). Oh, Lord! Another one! 7 8 Unacquainted With Work Jacob (handing hill). Here's yer bill, sir. Charlie (takes it and goes l. as he looks it over, scratching his head desperately; aside). Three hundred and ninety dollars ! Jacob. It's right, isn't it? Charlie (going hack hastily and throiving hill on tahle with assumed carelessness). Oh, yes. I'll attend to it. You must excuse me now. Important business! (Snatches up hat and gloves and starts l.) Jacob (getting hetween him and door). This is im- portant business. Charlie (in desperation). A-all right, Mr. Sharp — but I've got to go. It's very important. (Starts l.) Jacob (angrily, detaining him). Where ye goin'? Charlie. My poor old grandmother has the grip. I don 't think she '11 pull through. Jacob (sarcastically). Too bad! — ^but I know a worse case. Charlie. Who? Jacob. Her poor little grandson — he's in the **grip" of the law. I don't think he'll pull through. Charlie (aside). If it were not for his niece I'd hand him one and beat it. Jacob (pointing). Come! I'm waiting to receipt that bill. Charlie (ivith assumed airiness) . Keep on waiting — but I'll have to go. ''Olive oil," Landlord. (Waves hand and starts l,. again) Jacob (savagely). Stop! I won 't wait any longer. Charlie. All right ; don 't. Receipt it now. (Starts again) Jacob. Not till I get my money — so shell out. (Gets hetiveen him and door) Charlie (ivith assumed carelessness) . You'll have to call again. I only have a big bill. Jacob. I'll change it. (Takes out fat pockethook) Charlie (clutching hair with hoth hands, aside). The devil! He said he needed money! Jacob (opening pockethook). How big is yer bill? Unacquainted With Work 9 Charlie {taking out Ms pockethook and Jiolding it so audience can see it is empty; magniloquently) . A thou- sand dollars. Jacob {in amazement ; mouth open) . What! Charlie {importantly). That's the smallest I have. Jacob {dumbfounded) . I can't change that. Charlie {relieved). Then come in when you can. Good-bye. {Tries to get by him) Jacob {still detaining him) . I '11 take yer check. Charlie {aside, in desperation, taking fountain pen from pocket and trying it on thumbnail). My pen is dry. Jacob. Here's mine. {Offers it) Charlie {takes it reluctantly ; searching pockets; aside). What can I give him a check on — a sand-bank? Jacob {ingratiatingly) . I need the money. Charlie {aside). So do I! {Aloud) I've lost my check-book. Here's your pen. {Forces it on him) I must go to my grandmother's funeral. {Starts l. again) Jacob {in amazement) . You just said she was sick. Charlie. She's dead now, anyway. Good-bye. {Starts again) Jacob {catching him by arm). I don't believe yer gran 'inarm 's dead. Charlie {turning angrily). You don't believe my gi'andmother is dead. If she isn't I can't bury her, can I? Jacob. Not unless you tie her. Charlie {quickly). Wouldn't she object then? She 'd be a fool if she didn 't. Jacob {angrily). I don't b'lieve you ever had a gran 'marm. Charlie. Then I wonder where my father was born. Jacob {mixed). I — I wonder if it wouldn't be a won- der if you didn 't wonder— I mean Charlie {breaking in). Even if I never had a grandmother, I've got to go and see if she's dead or alive — and burj^ her if she is. {Starts off) Jacob {following him up, resolutely) . Look here, Mr. 10 Unacquainted With Work Charles Chester, Esq., Jr., D. D., LL. D., D. E. A. D, B. E. A. T., I want my money right off, and unless I get it right off there's goin' to be suthin' dewin'. Charlie (airily). Ah! Mr. Jacob Sharp, Landlord, 0. S., B. C, S. K. I. N. F. L. I. N. T., if I don't pay you right off, how the devil are you going to get it right off? Jacob (in a rage). I will have it. Charlie. If you get it before I can, you're welcome. Jacob. You've got ter git it. Charlie. How ? Jacob (snorting). Work! Charlie. I 'm not acquainted with him. Jacob (collaring him, furiously). Then come down in my coal cellar and git acquainted with him. (Drags Mm R.) Charlie (struggling). What are you doing ? Jacob. Doing up a dead beat. Come on! (Drags Jiim hy collar) Charlie (struggling) . I won't. Jacob. We'll see 'bout that. (CatcJies him hy coat- tail with one hand) Come along! (Tugs; Charlie holds out arms and coat comes off over his head; Jacob sits violently) Charlie (making elaborate how, with flourish of hoth hands) . That 's right ; when you're tired, sit down and rest. Jacob (scramhling to feet; furiously, with fist clenched) . Grin, darn ye ! Grin till ye look more like a monkey than ever ! Charlie (with affected pity). Poor g'anpa! Has 'oo dot de tummy-ache ? Jacob (raving). I'll make a gran 'pa of you! Charlie (howing again). Thanks! I'd rather you made me a nephew-in-law. Jacob. I '11 see you hanged fust ! Charlie. So will your charming relative. Don't worry ; you '11 get your money. Jacob (eagerly). When? Charlie. When Aunt Aramantha dies and leaves me hers. Unacquainted With Work 11 Jacob. She never will. Charlie. Won't die? That's what you said about my grandmother. Jacob. No, leave you her money. Charlie. I'm her only relative. Jacob. If ye hadn't been, yer bill never 'd run till this time. Cpiarlie. She must go soon. Jacob. The Lord forbid! She's boarded here for years and paid prompt — and you must. Charlie. All right — when I smash that thousand. Jacob. You ain't got no thousand-dollar bill. No seeh critter in town. Charlie. Then how can I pay you ? Jacob. You can't, — unless ye go ter work. Charlie. Out of the question. Keep my coat. Jacob. I wouldn't be caught dead in it. Take yer old monkey jacket. (Throws it at Mm) Charlie (catching and putting it on). Thanks! Now what about the bill ? Jacob (savagely). I'll sue ye an' git a verdick. Then if ye don't pay I'll keep ye in jail till ye rot. Charlie (alarmed). You can 't do that ! Jacob. 'Squire Billy Briefless says so. Cpiarlie. He never had a case — and scarcely ever told the truth. Jacob. I b'lieve him — an' ye '11 git acquainted with work then. Our jailor works the prisoners like niggers. Charlie (pleadingly). You couldn't be so hard on your nephew-in-law-to-be ! Jacob. Ye won't be that; I won't hev ye. Charlie (ruefully). Your niece won't, either. I'll pay you. Jacob. Where '11 ye git the money? Charlie. From Aunt Aramantha. I'll have to have time to bring her round, though. Jacob (suspiciously). How much time? • Charlie (airily). Oh, six months. Jacob. And keep right on boardin' ye? 12 Unacquainted With Work Charlie. Sure! I can't go that long without board. Jacob {resolutely). No! Pay up — or tlie stone boardin '-house for you! Charlie (nervously). How can I pay you without money 1 Jacob (viciously). Cussed if I know! — unless you git acquainted with Avork. Charlie. I don't like strangers. Have you no pity? Jacob. Not a morsel. Charlie. Aunt Aramantha will pay you — or die and leave me her money. Then I can pay. Jacob. I do think she likes you — though she's no fool other ways. (Reflects) I'll hev to pay yer board if I jug ye. Charlie (eagerly). Yes, yes Jacob. I '11 gamble a leetle. I will give ye more time. Charlie (seizing Ms hand and wringing it). The Lord bless you! How much? Jacob (hr caking away and ruhhing shoulder) . Don't onscrew my arm ; I might want ter hug the hired gal. Charlie. And one wouldn't be enough; she's too fat. How much time ? Jacob (striking fist in palm) . Thirty days! Charlie (m despair). Not enough! Three months — two months Jacob (hanging fist on tahle). Not another minute! In thirty days — or the stone jug! [EXIT d. r. Charlie (pacing stage). It's enough to make me cuss grandmother — if I ever had one ! My only hope is Aunt Aramantha. (Rings hell) ENTER Bennie b. p. Bennie. Did you ring, sir ? Charlie. Sure thing. (Rapidly) Will you be so kind as to fly to my aged and respected relative, and beg me the boon of a few moments' social intercourse with her Most Serene and Potent Majesty? Bennie (hewildered). Her which, sir? Unacquainted With Work 13 Charlie. Pshaw, Bennie! You must have been brought up backward. Bennie (sulkily). I was brung up all right and know United States, but I was never no good at ' ' Hog Latin. ' ' Charlie. Then ask my aunt, Mrs. Artichoke, if I can see her a few minutes on important business. Bennie {crossly). Very good, sir. [EXIT d. c. Charlie. That boy's intellect certainly needs culti- vating — if not plowing and harrowing. (Starts) Here she comes! Now for Aunt Aramantha's pocketbook — I mean Artichoke ! ENTER Aramantha d. c. Aramantha. Hullo, Charlie! The bellhop said you wanted me. Charlie (rusJiing up stage and taking Tier hand ten- derly). Of course I do! (With a languishing look) I always want you, best and dearest of your sex. (Leads her down) Aramantha. Fiddlesticks! What about this im- portant business ? Charlie (seating her l. of table). Don't bother your head about business now. Away with business ! ( With a wide gesture) How well you look! (Crosses and sits R. of table) Aramantha (shrewdly) . "What do you want now? Charlie (reproachfully). Could I want anything when you are here ? Aramantha. Cut it out, Charles. Save your soft soap for the girls. I 'm too old. Charlie. Old? Never! Aramantha (laughing). Get down to business, you flatterer. CuARhiE (hesitating) . I hate. to — but (Pauses) Aramantha. Go ahead. Charlie. Well — if you insist Aramantha. I dew. Charlie (shamefacedly) . It is the same old story. Aramantha (dryly). I thought so. How much? 14 Unacquainted With Work C H ARLiE ( hiding fac e). D on 't ask me. Aramantha. Be a man — if ye can! {Relentlessly) How much? Charlie {desperately). Three hundred and ninety dollars. Aramantha. Some bill! What's it for? Charlie {face Jiidden in hands). Board. Aramantha. You must be a big eater. How long did it take ye ? Charlie {faltering). S-six months. Aramantha. Has yer board run ever sence ye Ve ben here? {He nods mutely) I'm 'shamed o' ye! Haven't I made ye an allowance ? Charlie {burying face in arms on table). Don't, Aunt Aramantha ! Aramantha {sternly). You know I have! What did ye dew with it ? Charlie. For God's sake, don't! Aramantha {with cutting scorn) . Why not? What have ye done with the money I give ye? Charlie {sitting up, flinging hair from forehead and throwing head hack defiantly). I spent it — like the gen- tleman I am. You would not want your sister's son to be a disgrace to you. Aramantha. My sister's son has been a disgrace to me. {He starts hack) Is this all you owe? Charlie (offended). I decline to answer. Aramantha {hitterly). You needn't; the answer is here. {Takes hills from tahle) What hev ye earned while these bills was accumulatin ' ? Charlie {defiantly). Not one cent! I told you when I came here — at your invitation, that I was unacquainted with work. Aramantha {cuttingly). And you intend ter ask me ter pay for yer extravagance — ^because my sister had a son like you ! Charlie {still defiantly). I had intended to. Aramantha {not understanding ^ in hitter anger). I will never do it ! Unacquainted With Work 16 Charlie {haughtily) . Why refuse till you are asked ? Aramantha {quickly). What do you mean? Charlie. You have shown me what a weak, worth- less thing I have been — yet I am not all to blame. When I sent for you I was the shameless beggar you have called me; now I would die before asking you for a copper. I need not face that — yet! Aramantha {quickly). What must you face ? Charlie {bitterly). A debtor's cell. Aramantha {startled). What! Charlie. Mr. Sharp says if I don't pay his bill in thirty days he'll board me in jail until I do. You must see that means for life. Aramantha {horrified). He can 't mean that ! Charlie. We can Avait and see. Aramantha. Laws oughter be reasonable and that ain't. Charlie. Sharp says Billy Briefless says so, and Billy has been admitted to the bar. Aramantha. I bet Billy lied; it wouldn't be the fust time. Charlie {hopelessly) . I guess it's the law. Aramantha {looks around cautiously). Then what ye hangin' round here for? {Leans forivard and whis- pers) Skip! Charlie {rising and folding arms). Never! I am a reckless prodigal, a hopeless debtor — but I am a gentle- man. Aramantha {starting up and clasping hands to hreast). Oh, Charlie! You have broken my heart! {Sinks hack in chair, throws arms across tahle and drops her head upon them) CuARUE {softened) . Don't, Aunt Aramantha! What can I do? Aramantha {in smothered voice). Nothing! You have done enough. Charlie {kneeling hy her and putting arm across her shoidders). Forgive me, Auntie. I am weak, worthless — ^but I love you ! 16 Unacquainted With Work Aramantiia {tJirowmg arms around Mm and putting head on Ms sJioulder) . I love you, too ! I ivill pay your debts — though I said I wouldn't — if you 11 promise you will do a man's work in the world. I'm a poor, lonely old woman — ^but I'm your aunt. I still have enough for a start, until you find yourself. Charlie {deeply moved). From my heart I thank you, but it is too late! (Hides face in her lap) Aramantha {putting hand on his head). Why, Charlie? ChxIrlie. I have never learned to work — and the time is past. Aramantha {smoothing Ms hair). Poor boy! You are not so much to blame. My silly sister thought you the most wonderful boy in the world, and brought you up like the heir of millions. You are unacquainted with work ! — but it is not too late to learn. Charlie {raising head). I have only thirty days left — after that, prison and disgrace ! Aramantha. Never! I'll pay these, bills before I sleep. {Starts up, takes hills from table and goes c.) Charlie {with authority) . Stop! I forbid you. Aramantha {stopping, bewildered). Why? Charlie. Pay those bills, save under one condition, and you shall never see me again. Aramantha. What is it? Charlie. That I can do something to repay your kindness, to redeem my useless past. Is there such a thing? Aramantha {coming down quickly). My boy, there is. You can fulfill my dearest wish. Charlie. How ? Aramantha. I have the best of boarding places, money to see me through, everything I want — ^but one. Charlie. And that one ? Aramantha. A home — loved ones — and you are all I have on earth. Charlie {bewildered). I don't understand.- Aramantha. Oh, Charlie ! Mend your ways, marry, Unacquainted With Work 17 make a home and take a lonely, friendless old woman into its charmed circle. I ask no more. Charlie {catching her in his arms). You poor little old lady, I will, {Kissing her) ii the dearest girl I know will say yes. Aramantha («5?cZe). Elsie! I knew it! Charlie. If she doesn 't Aramantha {interrupting). She will; she jest can't say no to ye. / couldn 't. Charlie. If she doesn't whom shall I marry? Aramantha. I don 't care ; any decent girl. Charlie. Then I will have a wife, and you a home — in thirty days. Aramantha. Oh, Charlie! I'm so happy! {Hides face in his breast and sohs; he comforts her) There! it's over. I won't do that again. {Wipes her eyes and slips out of his arms) She will say yes! ^Now for these bills! {Takes them up, goes c. a7id stops) Catch your bird, Charlie ; I '11 find the cage. Good-bye. Charlie. Good-bye — and God bless you ! {She throws kiss and EXITS d. c.) Dear old lady! Her heart is gold. Elsie must reconsider; I will be a man. {Reso- lutely) I will make the acquaintance of my enemy — and conquer him if it kills me. Even if Elsie refuses. Aunt Aramantha shall yet have her home within thirty days. (Raises hand to heaven) I swear it! ENTEE Elsie d. r. Elsie {sarcastically, as she comes down). Have you added profanity to your other accomplishments, Mr. Chester? Charlie {turns and rushes joy f idly toward her). Oh, Elsie ! such a wonderful thing has happened. You will marry me now. {Catches her in his arms) ENTER Bennie d. r. Bennie (maliciously). Did ye ring, sir? (They hastily separate) 18 Unacquainted With Work Charlie {turning furiously) . No — but I will wring — your confounded neck! {Rushes for liim) Bennie {mockingly). Ye gotta ketch me fust. [EXIT D. R. Charlie {hurrying hack). The little rascal! He's doing this on purpose. Say you'll marry me to-morrow, Elsie^and seal the promise. {Clasps her again; she tries to hold him away) Bennie {sticking head in d. r. and making face). Yah, you big stiff! Ye don't want me jest 'cause there's a petticoat round. Charlie {hastily releasing Elsie and starting toward D. R. again). Get, you little scamp — before I break you in two. Don't let me catch you here again. Bennie {making face at him). Ye hain't ketched me here now. Charlie {rushing r., furiously). Get out or I'll murder you ! Bennie {hastily). Yes, sir — but Bennie Bellhopp pays his debts. {Shakes fist at him and disappears) Charlie (goes hack to Elsie with outstretched arms). A blessed change has come to me, my darling. {Offers to embrace her) Elsie {extending warning hand). No nearer, sir. No change has come to me. Charlie {pausing). You do not understand. There is nothing to prevent our marriage. Elsie. Yes there is. Charlie. What? Elsie. The bride's consent. Charlie. But my aunt has forgiven me, paid my debts, and is looking for a home for us. {Tries to take her hand) Elsie {withdrawing it). A pretty picture — but it does not appeal to me. I will never marry a man who boasts that he is unacquainted with work. Charlie. I will get acquainted with it and learn to know it well. Elsie {interrupting and shaking head). No, Charlie; Unacquainted With Work 19 you have promised me twice before — and have broken your word. I cannot trust you. Charlie {getting possession of Iter hand). But my debts are paid; I have promised to marry and make a home for Aunt Aramantha within thirty days. I have even sworn it — you heard me, you must not refuse me now. {Leans nearer and tries to slip arm around her) ENTER Bennie d. r. Bennie. Did ye ring, sir? . Charlie {twining to rush at him). I'll wring you into a corkscrew! Bennie {mockingly) . Come on with yer old wringer! {Vanishes) Charlie (going 5ac/i;). The little rascal ! He's doing this out of spite. Quick, Elsie! {Clutches her in his arjns) before he comes back again! {Leans over her) Elsie {pushing him away). No, Charlie; I cannot marry you — so soon. Charlie. I shall be in prison soon and cannot marry you Elsie. I'm sorry, Charlie — but I must test this latest resolution. Charlie. But this time I have sworn it. {Draivs her to him) Listen, dear. {Bends closer) Lift up your sweet face. {Bends closer and is about to kiss her) ENTER Bennie and Billy d. c. Bennie {gleefully). There she is! See? {Points) I told ye she was in — but I didn't know she was so far in. Charlie {turning on them in rage). Clear out, you spying puppies! {Approaches with fists doubled) Get! Billy {backs off, while Bennie gets behind him). Get? Get what? Bennie {o7i knees, trying to peep betiveen Billy's legs). His goat, Mister; don't let him git your'n. Stan' up tew him ! {Pushes Billy forward) 20. Unacquainted With Work Charlie {advancing) . Yon hear me, Billy Briefless! Billy (alarmed). Don't tonch me! Remember the law! — of which I am an exponent. Charlie. Damn the law! — and you, too! (Ad- vances; Billy tries to hack and goes sprawling over Bennie) Billy (as he strikes). Wow! (He and Bennie scramble wildly to get out of way. He sits up in corner of stage; Bennie at wing, in front) Keep off! Don't you hit me! Bennie, Miss Andrews, I call you to wit- ness he has no legal casus belli. Bennie. 'Course he hain't — there ain't no legal Kaiser. Charlie (stopping). I had forgotten the lady. (Turning) Miss Andrews, I beg your pardon. Do not be afraid; you vermin! (Bennie and Billy scramble to feet) Billy (blustering). Afraid? Me? I do not know what fear is. Eespect the majesty of the law. Charlie (with forced calmness). Do not try me too far. Billy. Do not try me too far. Even a law-abiding citizen and a member of the bar cannot see his intended wife made love to in that indecent, I might say squashy manner, without considerable irritation. Charlie (thunderstruck) . Your intended wife ! Miss Andrews ? Billy. Certainly. Do not fear, Elsie, I will protect you from the slimy folds of this human boa — I mean girl — constrictor. Charlie (to Elsie). Tell him he lies — that you love and trust me. Elsie. No! No! No! I cannot. (Puts handker- chief to eyes and quickly rushes toward d. r.) [EXIT d. r. Charlie. I have my answer. (To Bennie and Billy) Now, you sneaking spies, if I get within reach of you — take the consequences. (Walks deliberately to- ward them) Billy (hastily). I'll go — ^but I'll be revenged. Unacquainted With Work 21 Bennie. Me tew, Mister ! (Both dive for D. c. and get stuck; Charlie se7ids them through with a kick; they hoivl and vanish) Charlie (going hack, gloomily). The intended wife of that — thing! — and she did not deny it. So ends my dream of love — but I cannot break my oath nor dis- appoint my annt. She shall have her home in thirty days. She said ''anybody" — I will marry anybody, I care not whom. ENTER Sally d. l., veiled and gloved. Sally. Is yo' de gemman what wanted lady assist- unee? Charlie (turning). Yes, the worst way. Are you a lady? — or a rainbow gone crazy? Sally. No, sah; I's come ter see 'bout de ad in de paper. I s'pose you am de man what wants a cook? Charlie. Sure I want a cook. What's your name? Sally. Sally Sausage, sah. Charlie. That is suggestive. So you are a cook? Sally (hohhing head). Yes, sah. Charlie. Are you married? Sally. Not much. Charlie. Are you a good cook? Sally (hohhing again). Yas, sah. (Billy and Bennie look slyly in at d. c.) I kin cook a blacksmif 's ap 'n so yo 'd swah it was chicken. Charlie (aside). A wife from heaven — all but the grammar. (To Sally) Will you marry me? Sally (throwing up hands). Yo's done foolin'. Billy (aside to Bennie). Is the man crazy? Bennie (answering, -aside, disgusted). Naw! He allers wants ter marry ev'ry skirt in sight. Charlie. I never was more in earnest. Sally. Is yo' got a house? Charlie. The dearest that money can buy. Or — my agent is looking for it. Sally. Is yo' got any money? Charlie. Enough to run the family. 22 Unacquainted With Work Sally! Any chilluns ? Charlie. N — ^no — only one aunt. Sally. I kin manage her — but I'd nebbah ma'y a man wif mo'n six younguns. I'll took yo'. Charlie. Then be on hand — say, in two weeks. Sally. Dat's pow'ful suddint — but I's gwintah be heah. Dar's mah han' on it. {Holds it out) Charlie. And here is mine. (Clasps hers) Sally. Yo' kin kiss me nov/, if yo' wantah. (Raises veil, hangs head sidewise and sticks finger in corner of mouth) Charlie (recoiling in horror, Billy and Bennie in dumb show B.). Suffering catfish! A nigger! CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. — Same as Act I. One week later. DIS- COVERED Biddy hanging chairs as she sweeps. Biddy. It's harrud! Iverybody wants ter marry me — or ilse doesn 't^which is worruse yit. Landlorrud Sharrup hoogin' me bahint the dure, Charrules Chisther choockin' me oondher me chin, an' Moike Murphy pestherin' me ter go to the prayst wid him. He 's a foine bye to look at, an ' handy wid his fists ; I moight take the proizefighter — but it nades money to kape a girrul a-goin'. I rickin there's a dale av flure-shwapin' an' shade-shnappin ' ahid av me yit. (Bangs chair and sweeps vigorously) ENTER Mike Murphy d. l. Mike. The top av the marnin' to yez, Biddy, me shwate angel. Biddy {without turning). The tail av the afther- noon, Moike, me sour divil. Unacquainted With Work 23 Mike. "What a long tongue our gurrul 's got ! Biddy, What a long tail our cat 's got ! Mike {coaxingly). Oh, be aisy, darlint! {Tries to put arm around her) Biddy {turning shoulder). Kape off! I'm too big to hoog. Mike. Thot 's so — but I kin do it. on the inshtallmint plan. Biddy. Not onliss ye take a correshpondince coorse. Go practhice on a piazzy-posht. Mike. I '11 get betther practhice on a flour-barrel. Biddy. I 'm not that koind av a flower. Mike. What koind are yez 1 Biddy. I 'm a f uUblowed daisy. Mike. Sure! I'll wear ye on me buzzom. (Ad- vances) Biddy (threatening with hroom). Kape off! What do yez want ? Mike (stopping). Me answer. Biddy. What answer? Mike. '*Yis"— if ye fale so; ''No/' if it has to be- but I want an answer. Biddy (coaxingly). Don't be rantankerous, Moike, I can't dacoide yit. Mike (grimly). Why not? Biddy. Oh, bekase — (hesitating) bekase av sev'ril things. Mike. Siv'ral men, ye mane. (Billy appears at d. r.) Biddy (angrily). Mebbe so, Misther Mur-rphy. Billy (aside). More lovers' quarrels! Maybe an- other breach of promise case. I'll see if I'm needed. (Dratvs hack) Mike. Biddj^ I've loved yez many a month an' ye jist make a fool av me. Biddy, The Lorrud done thot, I didn't. Mike. No matther; it's got to shtop. (Catches her in his arms) There! I've got yez. I'll have me an- swer — an' a kiss to boot. Biddy (struggling) . Lave me go! 24 Unacquainted With Work Mike. Divil a wanst ! Is it yis or no ? Biddy (raging). Lave go, I say! (Struggles) Mike (grimly), Yis or no? — an' wan shwate kiss, man's soize an' four inches acrostht. Billy (aside). A bargain made under duress is void. Biddy. I tell yez I can 't answer the day, Moike. Mike. Yez can give me the kiss. Biddy (hesitating) . I s'pose — I can — if (Stops) Mike (relentlessly). If what? Biddy. If — we'll — if (Stops again) MiKE^ Say it. Biddy. If I wanter. Mike. Don't yez? Biddy. Oi don't knoAV. (Hides face in Ms breast) Billy (aside, surprised). Holy smoke! she's giving in. Dare I bring that kind of an action against Elsie Andrews ? Mike. Lift oop yer phiz an' I'll show yez. (Tries to raise Tier face) Biddy (burrowing). Sha'n't! Mike. Thin I will. (Tries harder) Biddy (rooting face under his arm). If ye kiss me widout me consint ye niver will wid. Mike. Thin give yer consint, quick! Biddy. Not wid you 'se a-holdin ' me. Mike (eagerly). What if I lave ye go? Biddy (looking up) . Thry me an' say. Mike. All roight — ^but no gurrul gits away from Moike Mur-rphy whin he manes business. (Releases her) There now! (Leans toward her) Biddy (leaning slightly forward, then drawing back). Oh, I can 't wid yer two eyes a-lookin ' at me. Mike (eagerly). What if I shut 'em? Biddy. Sh'pose yez thry it. Mike. I will — ^but look out ! (Shakes finger at her) I'm wise to yer thricks. (Takes her by arm and shuts eyes) Now what 'bout it? Biddy. I don't think I'd moind jist wan. Mike. Glory halleluyer 1 Unacquainted With Work 25 Biddy. Hurry, Moike, somebody's coomin'. (Holds up broom and lie kisses it. She breaks away ivith a mocking laugh) Mike (making face and spitting). Phew! Whin d'ye comb yer hair last ? Billy (aside). Done brown, by thunder! Biddy (laughing) . I knew ye didn't know much, but I did think ye knew Biddy McMullen from a broomstick. Mike (looking at broom in his arms). Ye've made a fool av me agin I Biddy (laughing). Ye said no gurrul cu'd do thot. Lay it all to the Lorrud. Mike (sidlenly). Ye needn't git foony. There's anither man in the case — an ' I '11 poonch his face. Biddy. Yer betther at poonchin' a man's face thin kissin' a woman's. Mike (angrily). I kin do both — an' here goes! (Rushes forward; EXIT Biddy, d. c.) Billy (going on hastily and getting in front of him). Hold on, don't do anything rash in this case. Mike (stopping). You'se has got the case o' rash, not me. Canker rash, by the looks av yez. Billy. Nonsense ! Mike. Git out av me thrack or I '11 can yez ! ( Threat- ens him with broom) Billy (with commanding gesture). Wait! You need me. Mike. What for ? to fade the cat ? No, sir ; it 's Biddy McMullen I nade. Billy. You need me to bring action. (Pompously) Mike. I'll do me own actin'. I kin act as bad as you kin if I don't look half so bad. Billy (proudly). I am a lawyer. I can bring an action for breach of promise. Mike. If yer promises are as brachy as some gurruls, I don't nade any. Billy. Don't refuse my aid in your extremity. Mike (holds up foot and studies it). Rickon thot 'ud be an aid in somebody's extremity. 26 Unacquainted With Work Billy (disappointed) . Then you won't let me bring a suit? Mike. Bring the wan from the clothing shtore — if they'll thrust ye wid it. Billy. I mean a breach of promise suit. Mike. Where 'U ye git it an' what '11 it do to me ? Billy. Nothing to you. I'll bring it against Miss McMullen. Mike. Don't bring no suit av mine against Biddy; she 'd git it on an ' shpile it. Billy. You'd get big damages. Mike. So wu'd the suit. Billy. I mean pecuniary damages. Mike. It's the ither felley's goin' to git pecoolyerly damaged. Billy. I'll help you swear out a mandamus. Mike. Don't nade no help 'bout swearin'. I'm the greatest little man-dammer ye iver beared. [Starts c.) Billy (interposing). Just a mjnute Mike. Out av me way! Thot gurrul carried off something I bought an' paid for. (Tries to pass) Billy (stopping Mm). Hold on; I'm not done with you. Mike. 7'm done wid you'se. (Tries to pass) Billy (detaining Mm). Wait! I want something more. Mike (angrily). Tuck it an' wilcome! (Hits Mm with hroo^Uj throws it on him as he collapses) [EXIT d. c. Billy (on knees and holding head). Oh Lord! my head! ENTER Bennie, d. r. Bennie (coming on). Did ye ring? (Stopping) 'Scuse me ! I dian 't know ye was prayin '. Billy. I wasn't. (Groaning) Bennie. Tnen what ye that end up for ? Billy. I'm not. Bennie. Then v/hat ain't ye that end up for? Billy. Because I'm that end down. Unacquainted With Work 27 Bennie. I see ; light end uiJ. Billy {getting to feet hy help of broom, groaning). Oh ! oh ! It 's a blooming shame ! Bennie. You mean a hrooming pain. "What hit ye? Billy. That prize fighting Murphy. It's a case of assault and battery. Bennie. Pity 'twasn 't a case for the undertaker ! Billy, I have to prove the fact. Did you see him ? Bennie. Naw — wisht I had! I thought I beared ye ring. Billy (holding head) 1 was ringing — part of me. It's ringing yet. Bennie (cheerfully) . Sure! — jes' like hollerin' in an empty rain-barrel. Billy. Help me out of doors; maybe I'll feel better. Oh dear! Bennie. Dear who? Billy. Me. Come, help rae. Bennie (after a pause, thoughtfully). It's a great day for tips. Billy (surprised) . What do you mean? Bennie. Didn't you get tipped? Billy. Darn that Murphy ! Yes. Bennie. How 'd ye like it ? Billy. Not a little bit. Bennie. I should. • Billy. Oh, I see. Here! (Tips him) Now help me out. (Starts l,, limping and groaning, leaning on Bennie, broom for crutch) ENTER Charlie d. l. Billy (meeting him, eagerly). Did you see him, Mr. Chester? Charlie. See whom? Billy. That big prizefighter of an Irishman. Charlie (reflectively) . I don't think so; I didn't see anybody. Billy. There goes another prop. 28 Unacquainted With Work Bennie. You've got props enough now — but I do^ wanter be most proper. Lean on t'other one more. (Puslies and almost upsets him) Charlie (puzzled). Another prop to what? Billy. The case. Charlie. Whose case? Billy. Mine. Charlie. Pretty hard case, isn't it? Billy. What makes you think so? Charlie (dryly). You look like it. Billy. Bennie, tell him what sort of a case mine is. Bennie. Smearkase. Billy. Why do you say that ? Bennie. 'Cause you're such a big cheese, Charlie. Have you seen a girl round here? Bennie. What girl? Charlie. Any — between fifteen and fifty. Billy. What do you want of any girl ? Charlie. To marry her. Ben-^ii^ (aside). Gee! He must be nutty. Charlie. Why don't you answer? Bennie. I saw Mike Murphy, the prizefighter. Charlie. He won't do. I won't marry an Irishman. Bennie. And Biddy McMullen, the chambermaid. She's an Irishman, too. Charlie. I draw the line at a prizefighter for a wife, but the chambermaid '11 do. Trot out the chambermaid, Bennie; tell her I want to marry her. I'll be back in a minute. [EXIT d. c. Billy. Quick, Ben! Help me out. The Lord has delivered him into my hand. We'll see what Elsie will say to his scheme of marrying an Irish girl. [EXIT Billy and Benny d. r. ENTER Aramantha d. l. a moment later; ivraps on. Aramantha. Nobody here — and nobody knows Vm here. (Coming on) He'll come pooty soon. (Lays wraps on armchair, sits R. of table) Unacquainted With Work 29 ENTER Justus Ketchum d. l. Justus. Mrs. Artichoke? Aramantha. Yes. Did you want to see me? Justus. I got your telegram. My name is Ketchum. Aramantha. Oh, yes, the detective. Set down. (He sits L. of table) Justus. What can I do for you? Aramantha. I've been robbed. Justus. Of what ? Aramantha. An old-fashioned pocketbook and ten thousand dollars, cash and securities. Justus. When ? Aramantha. I missed it a week ago. Justus. Where was the pocketbook? Aramantha. In a trunk in my own room — in this, house. Justus. Trunk locked? Aramantha, I think so — but it would not be hard to open. Justus. Room locked? Aramantha. I never fergit that. Justus. How did the thief get in ? Window, I suppose. Aramantha. I reckon so. The room is on the second floor and there's a tree outside. Justus. Suspect anybody? Aramantha. No. Justus. Anybody have reason to think there was money in your room ? Aramantha. Not perticklarly ; folks think I've got some. Justus. What do people say about your loss ? Aramantha. I never lisped of it till now. Justus. Good ; don 't. You may not see or hear from me for some time, but I shall be at work. (Rises) Good-bye. [EXIT d. l. Aramantha. OfP like a jug-handle ! I don 't keer ; I like him! Success to Mr. Justus Ketchum ! [EXIT D. R., carrying wraps 30 Unacquainted With Work ENTER Charlie d. c, reading letter. Charlie. Aunt Aramantha has bought and furnished a house and will pay my debts when I am married. She doesn't mention coming back. One week gone, and I'm no nearer a wife than before — of course the nigger doesn't count! I've some hope of the Irish sheet-artist, though. {Sits R. of table and thinks deeply) ENTER Andromeda d. l., hook in hand. Andromeda (coming on). My dear sir, did you ever see ''A Daughter of the Gods"? Charlie (rousing). No. Be you she? — I mean is you her ? or, in other words, am you it ? Andromeda {offended). Sir! Charlie. No ofPense ! Your presence shows you are above the common people — {Aside) about a foot. Andromeda (unbending). I was not alluding to my- self. Charlie. I beg your pardon ; you look like the daugh- ter of something or other. Andromeda (proudly). A Daughter of the Revolu- tion, sir. Charlie. Never met the gentleman. (Aside) I knew she was no chicken. Andromeda. This is a wonderful work. (Offers hook) . Charlie (alarmed). I don't know him, either. Andromeda (holding out hook). Make a critical ex- amination of ''A Daughter of the Gods." Charlie (hastily). Modesty forbids. I'm a single man. Andromeda (quickly). I mean in a business way. Charlie. It's out of my line of business. Andromeda. You want to buy '*A Daughter of the Gods"! Charlie. I don't. Think I'm a white slaver? Andromeda. I am speaking of this beautiful volume. Its title is *' A Daughter of the Gods." Unacquainted With Work 31 Charlie. Then you 're a book agent ? Andromeda. I am Andromeda Applewood, saleslady and purveyor for the most wonderful work of modern time, sir. Charlie. I am against work of any kind, ancient or modern. Andromeda. You could not fail to be interested in ''A Daughter of the Gods.'' Charlie. I'm more interested in the daughter of an Irishman. She's a chambermaid. Andromeda. The title of this book is somewhat mis- leading. Charlie. I should regret being misled by anybody — you especially. Andromeda. It has a subtitle. Charlie. What is it ? Andromeda. ''And How to Become One." Charlie. I should waste time trying to become a daughter of the gods. Andromeda. But this work reveals all the secrets of a lady 's toilet Charlie (indignantly interrupting) . I'm not Peep- ing Tom nor an old maid. Andromeda (with dignity). An unappreciated bless- ing, if you please. Charlie (jumping up with profound how). Exactly what I am! Andromeda. You must have a copy of our masterly volume. It teaches anybody to become ''A Daughter of the Gods." Charlie. I don't believe that beauty-bible would teach me how to become a daughter of the gods — even if I wanted to put on petticoats. Andromeda (frigidly). Sir! I am a lady — and this is a lady's book. Charlie. Then why do you bother me with it ? I 'm no lady. Andromeda. And no gentleman, either. Charlie. I am — or at least I try to be. 32 Unacquainted With Work Andromeda. More reason to have ''A Daughter of the Gods, ' ' then. Gentlemen buy it for their wives and lady friends. It has often won the female heart. Your friend, the Irish chamber-lady, would appreciate it. Charlie {jumping up, hand in pocket) . 1 11 take her ! How much is she ? Andromeda. Only four-fifty. Charlie (with prolonged whistle). Phew! Daugh- ters of the gods come high. (Produces successively a feiv coins, a knife, a hunch of keys and a corkscrew) The bank's about busted. Could you use a fine pocket- knife in part payment — or a bunch of nickel-plated keys — or a corkscrew? Andromeda {shaking head each time). The company will not allow me to accept anything but legal tender. Charlie, I seem shy on legal tender. Maybe you would trust me for thirty days 1 Andromeda. Our terms are strictly cash. Charlie. I'll have to find some other way to the chamber-lady 's heart ; reckon I '11 need an X-ray, judging from the thickness of her. We'll call the sale off, Mrs. Applewood. Andromeda. Not Mrs., Miss. Charlie {jumping up hastily). Did you say Miss? Andromeda. I did. Charlie {eagerly). You're not married, then? Andromeda. No. Charlie. And haven't any husband? Andromeda. Not that I know of. Charlie {aside, in ecstasy). A heaven sent opportu- nity ! — even if she isn 't a daughter of the gods, but their old maid aunt. ENTER ELSIE d. c. Charlie {to Andromeda). Could you use any hus- bands in your business? Elsie {stopping at door, despairingly, aside). Great Heaven! Unacquainted With Work 33 Andromeda (coyly, simpering, finger in corner of mouth), We-ell — that depends on how many — and who they are. Charlie {flinging himself on knees). Miss Apple- wood, sweetest, dearest, divinest Andromeda, second- cousin to the gods if not a daughter of them, I'm them — I mean it. Take me! love me! marry me! I'm yours. {Seizes her hand and kisses it repeatedly) Elsie {scornfully, aside). Oh, the inconstancy of man! (Coming on; to Andromeda). I beg your par- don, but Mr. Briefless said somebody wanted to see me. (Billy appears d. c, listening) Andromeda {starting hack). It wasn't I. I didn't want to see anybody — at this time. Charlie {springing to feet and retreating in confu- sion). Nor I either, Elsie — least of all, you — at this time. Elsie {to Andromeda). I hope you will excuse me. (Moves r.) Andromeda {spit ef idly ) . I won't! No lady would intrude at such a moment. Charlie {following). One moment! Let me ex- plain Elsie {interrupting scornfully; Charlie recoils, Billy delighted). Explanations are unnecessary. {To An- dromeda) I had no idea this gentleman was at his usual lovemaking. Charlie. That isn't fair. You know Elsie {interrupting) . I know things I would forget. Andromeda {haughtily). I accept your apology, — and believe what I choose. You shall have my answer later, Mr. Chester. Good-bye. [EXIT d. l. Charlie {as Elsie sweeps r.). Do as you will, Elsie, but hear me. Elsie {turning away haughtily, chin tip). I did hear you — and your dearest, sweetest, divinest Andromeda. Charlie. Forget that. (Billy peeps in again) I must marry within a month and your coldness has driven me wild. If you realized how much I love you 34 Unacquainted With Work Elsie (interrupting). As much as you do the book- agent ? Billy (aside at door). It works! It takes a lawyer to manage a case. Charlie. Love her? That stork! — that giraffe! — that colonial porch-pillar! You know I don't. Elsie (coldly). If I cannot believe what you told Jier, how can I believe what you tell mef Billy (exultingly, shaking fist, aside). Another hit! I 'd like to hit you myself if I were not afraid of the law — and of you. Charlie. I never said I loved her — I asked her to love me. Elsie (scornfully) . Shame on you! to ask a woman's love without giving yours in return ! Billy (aside, with glee). Glory! I wish she had married him; I could get her a divorce — perhaps an alienation suit for her — and then marry her myself. REENTER Andromeda d. l. Andromeda (catches sight of Charlie and Elsie). 0, my! (Draws hack) Charlie. I must make a home for Aunt Aramantha. She might do as well as anybody (Tenderly) but you, dear. Andromeda (aside, furiously). The wretch! Elsie (shuddering, hut softening a little). If I could believe that ! (He takes her hand) Billy (in consternation) . What the devil! Andromeda (shaking hook at her). The minx! I'd like to stuff ''A Daughter of the Gods" down her throat ! Charlie. You could not believe I was in love with that antiquated old ambassadress from Olympus, could you? (Slips arm around her) Andromeda (aside, in fury). What! Billy (frantic with rage, aside, one fist douhled in front, waist high, the other above head). Gee whizz! Andromeda (rushing on). Heartless betrayer of my affections, I'll scratch your eyes out! (Makes grah just in front of his face)^ Unacquainted With Work 35 ENTER Biddy d. r., hastily. Biddy. Here I am, Misther Chisther. The lawyer felley toulcl me ye wanted to marry me. (Sees Elsie iind '^stops ahruptly) Phwat are yez doin' to me man? Andromeda (furiously) , He isn't your man, he's my man — or was till that shameless huzzy got him (Stutters with rage) s-s-sarcnmnavigated. Billy (rushing on). 'Course he's your man; I'll bring an action for you. You've the best case in the world and I'm a witness to his perfidy. (To Charlie) Release that lady ! ENTER Bennie d. b. Bennie. Did ye ring, sir ? (Stops) Gosh! What's this! A wimmen's rights caucus? Biddy (rushing on Charlie, who still has his arm arou7id 'EiijSm. She gives latter a push). Lave him alone, ye baggage! I'm goin' ter marry him. He's moine by the laws av chimical atthraction. Billy. And by all the laws of the State of . I'll bring an action for you, too. (To Charlie) Stop your shameless hugging — and being hugged. ENTER Jacob d. r. Jacob. What 's all this row 'bout ? Bennie. It's a suffygette caucus. Didn't ye hear 'em cawin ' an ' cussin ' ? Elsie (to Charlie, coldly). Release me, Mr. Chester. Biddy. Yis, relase her. Don't be afther imbracin' anither gurrul afore me eyes. Hoog me a minute. (Flings arms round him from 'behind) Jacob (angrily). Yes, release my niece an' pay me what ye owe me or I'll put ye where they won't release you. Andromeda. I also say release her (To Biddy) and you release him. Charlie (angrily). And I say release me, you moun- tainous Mick! I'd rather be choked to death with a horse-collar. 36 Unacquainted With Work ENTER Sally d. l. Elsie {to Charlie). Did you hear what I said? Charlie {remonstratingly) . But, sweetheart' Elsie {interrupting and releasing herself), I'm not your sweetheart. Chmiiai: {despairingly). Then who is? Biddy {hugging desperately). Me! Andromeda {crowding before Elsie and Jiugging Charlie) . Me ! Bexxie {running in front of Charlie). No, me! Don't I look sweet? {Thrusts head forward and malces face at him) Sally. Me tew! Me'n dat feller been 'gaged a week. Say, gals, kain't yo' spah one en' ob him fo' me ter hug? Elsie {disgusted), A colored woman! It is too much ! Biddy. Howly Saint Pathrick I Aven Moike Mur-rphy w'udu't make love to a coon! {Releases Charlie) Axdromeda {squealing). Oo-o-oh! A raving bru- nette! {Rims R.) Belly. i\Ir. Chester, I have brought an action for breach of promise against you, in behalf of Miss Sally Sausage. I shall enter two more on behalf of Miss Biddy McMullen and Miss Andromeda Applewood. AxDROMEDA {savagely). If it were not for spoiling '^A Daughter of the Gods," I'd bust her over his head. {Waving hook) Billy {delighted). Do it. I'll defend you if he sues you for it. Andromeda. Then take that! {Throws hook at Charlie ; he ducks and it hits Billy). Billy {clapping hands to face and dancing). Oh, my nose is gone! My only nose! {General laughing) Bexnte {laughing). I knew he always poked it into everything, but I didn't think he'd try to stick it through ''A Daughter of the Gods." CURTAIN Unacquainted With Work 37 ACT III SCENE. — Same as Acts I and II. A few days later. DISCOVEBED Elsie putting things to rights. Elsie. It is useless ! I must spend my whole life as assistant to my not over-generous uncle. I once dreamed of love and a home, but my di'eam is over. {Sighs) My god was made of very common clay. He will not work and has engaged himself to half the girls around to avoid it. I "svill never marry an idler — and the defendant in half a dozen breach of promise cases. {Sighs heavily, GOES R. and throivs herself in armchair, hiding face in arm on its hack) ENTER Billy d. l. Billy. Good-morning, Elsie. Why hide the sunshine of your smile? Elsie {petulantly). Why do you haunt me? I de- test you! Billy {advancing slowly) . Because I love you. sweet- heart. I will marry you in spite of yourself. Elsie {sitting up and turning angrily). I do not love you ; I will not consent. Billy. You wiU love me. I wiU win your consent. Elsie ( with sarcasm ) . Indeed ! My mind is made up. Billy. My love will change youi- mind. Elsie {scornfully). The love of a glutton for his din- ner : a hawk for a chicken : a wolf for a lamb ! Billy. Of a poet for his ideals ; an artist for the beau- tiful ; a saint for the angel of his dreams. Elsie. Do not degi^ade an angel with a tongue like yours. Billy. You will soon know me better. Elsie {fervently). God forbid! Billy {seizing her hand). You shall! 38 Unacquainted With Work Elsie (snatching it away). What would tempt me? With your looks, your character ! a briefless barrister ! an attorney without a client! Billy. Briefless in name only, and clientless no longer. Elsie. No matter ! I know you, coward and villain ! BihL,Y {restraining Jiimself) . Be careful! Such words are actionable. Elsie {with spirit). Not to your face. If they are, where is your proof ? Billy {aside, in fury). How did she learn so much law? Elsie. Have I made my feelings clear ? Billy. You have. {Spitefully) No doubt you feel differently toward your uncle's worthless boarder, Charles Chester. Elsie {coldly). He is already several times engaged. Billy {with suppressed fury). Yet you prefer that idle profligate to me, an honored and respected member of the bar ! Elsie. Respected for what you pretend, and honored for what you are not ! Mr. Chester is nothing to me, yet he is as much above jou as the stars above the earth. Billy {with violent gesture of clenched hand). You shall not marry him ! Elsie {warningly). Be careful! 'Tis a woman's privilege to change her mind! BiLiiuY {savagely). I'll ruin him! Elsie. Bad eggs are hard to spoil. Billy. You forget the three breach of promise cases. Elsie. He can't marry three. The laws expressly forbid that. Billy. He'll marry one — in self-defense. Elsie. That will be bad for the other two — perhaps for that one. Billy {vengefully). And worse for him! Elsie. Why? Billy. Heavier damages for the others. Elsie. He cannot pay. Unacquainted With Work 39 Billy. I know it — {Triumphantly) but if he does not I'll jail him. Elsie {horrified). Great heavens! Billy. That is not all. Elsie (horTified). What else? Billy. He owes your uncle three hundred and ninety dollars. You know what he is likely to do. Elsie. He will not take extreme measures. Billy {exultingly) , He has already retained my services. Your uncle means to board your impecunious friend in jail until he pays. Elsie {greatly troubled) . The law will never allow it. Billy. You do not know all the beauties of the law — and the case is in my hands. Elsie {hands clasped). Have you no pity? Billy. Not a particle ! Elsie {turning away, overcome). He is lost! Billy {triumphantly). Of course! You cannot marry him now. Elsie (absently). No, I cannot marry him now. Billy. But you can marry me. Elsie {dazed). Yes, I can marry {Recalling herself and turning abruptly) What did you say? Billy. You can still marry me. Elsie. I know I can — {With spirit) but I won't! Billy. Be careful ! Elsie. No — not even to keep Mr. Chester out of prison. Billy {shaking finger warningly, in fury). Girl! you shall marry me! {Seizes her by wrist) 'Elsie {struggling). You coward! Billy. You may as well yield. But give me a kiss and I will leave you — now. {Draws her toward him) 'Eii^iE {struggling). Never! Let go my wrist ! Billy {recJdessly) . When I have my reward! {Throws arm around her) Elsie. Then take it! {Strikes him furiously) Billy {releasing her and clapping hand to ear). The devil ! 40 Unacquainted With Work ENTER Bennie d. r. Bennie. Did ye ring? Elsie. I didn 't— maybe Mr. Briefless did. (Goes R.) Bennie. Did ye want me, sir ? Billy {savagely). Curse you I — ^no. Get out! Bennie {derisively) . You ain't my boss. Billy (rusJiing at him). I'll show you, you little devil! {Kicks him out as he starts to flee, turns and comes down) I'd like to kill the imp! Anyway I'd have taught him better manners. Elsie {with sarcasm). You ought to teach good man- ners — your own are so irreproachable! Good-bye, Sir Galahad! {With sweeping courtesy) I hope forever. [EXIT D. R. Billy {quickly). Wait, Elsie! {Hurries R.) For- give me ! he vexed me beyond endurance. {Calls) Elsie I {Looks OFF D. R.) She's gone. Curse her! (Goes c.) Her lover is in the toils and she will be there soon too. {Emphasizing with clenched fist) I swear it! [EXIT D. L. Biddy {outside, calling). Misther Sharrup! (EN- TERS D. c.) He's allays gone whin he's wanted. {Hands on hips, bawling) Misther Sharrup! ENTER Jacob d. r. Jacob. What's all that noise for? Ye '11 drive every boarder out. Stop that bawling. Biddy {angrily). Why d'ye give a dacint gurrl a job like this? Jacob {angrily). What is it? Biddy. Didn't yez till me to make the bid in noomber siven ? Jacob. Sure ! Go make it. Biddy. I can't. Jacob {surprised). Why not? Biddy. The man 's in it. Jacob. Tell him ter git up. Biddy. I did, but he didn't. Unacquainted With Work 41 Jacob. Then roll him out. Biddy. I daresii't. Jacob (surprised). Ye didn't act 'fraid of a man the way ye hugged Charles Chester t'other day. Biddy. Me an' him's promised — but this felley is diff'rent. A purthy lookin' shpalpane lie is! Jacob. What's the matter with him? Biddy. He's daformed, sir. Jacob {astonished). Deformed? How? Biddy. His head 's phwere his fate oughter be. Jacob. Nonsense ! No sech critter here. Biddy. There is, too — abid in noomber siven. Jacob. What done it ? Biddy. Dunno — onliss 'twas the sthrong drink. Jacob. That does git a feller twisted. I've ben screwed myself, but never got my head where my feet oughter be. Biddy. Mebbe he wint ter his shloombers headfurrust. 'Tinny rate he's shlapin' loike a babby wid his fate on the pilley, shnorin' t 'rough his tows. Jacob (enraged). I'll larn him ter sleep with his feet on my pillers ! [EXIT in rage, d. c. Biddy. Here's phwere I git revinge on ould Sharrup an' the prizefoighter both. [EXIT d. c. Bennie (outside r.). This way, Blondy. (Poking in head at d. r., aside) I'm safe; ev'rybody's gone. (Aloud) ' This way, Miss Peroxide. ENTER Bennie and Sally d. r. Sally {angrily) . Sausage, I 's hab yo ' know ! Bennie. Eight ye are. Miss Shortlegs. Sally (loud). Sausage! Bennie. Excuse me, Miss Sawlogs! Sally (shrieking). SAUSAGE! Bennie. Jes' what I said, Miss Sawedge. I'll go see 'f Mr. Chester's in. Set down, Miss Smalleggs. [EXIT D. c. Sally (bawling after him). Sausage! Sausage! Sausage I 42 Unacquainted With Work ENTER Biddy d. c. Biddy (stopping ears). Shot yer bill — afore I shtop it wid a hot prathie. Sassengers is no good widout prathies. Sally. An' a Mick's no good 'dout mixin'! We's gwinetah do a liT bit ob it 'dout yo' shot you mouf, honey. Biddy (scornfully) . A McMullen'U not have a mixup wid innything but a hooman bain'. Sally. Looks lak' dar's ben some mixin' atween de McMullens an' de monkej^s sometime. Biddy (furiously) . Don't yez make me the aquil av a monkey. Sally. I couldn't ; dar's too much McMuUen ter yo'. Biddy. Apollygize ! Sally. I'll 'pologize ter de monkey, but not to de McMullen. Biddy (rolling up sleeves). I'll poolveroize yez, ye ould sha-ape ! Sally. Start right erlong, honey. Biddy (fist raised awkwardly) . I'll massycree yez! Sally. I's heah waitin'. (Snatches off Jiat and makes sweeping how as Biddy rushes at her; Sally's head hits Biddy in the stomach and she sits down with a grunt) Biddy (groaning). Oh! it's clane ruined I am. (Holds stomachy rocking) Sally. Mebbe not; mebbe yo's bettah dan ebbah — ef yo' do' look no bettah. Biddy (complaining). Oh! oh! I'll doi! Oh! (Groans) Sally. All right; I's gwinetah he'p yo'. (Pulls her to feet, groaning) B'iDDY. Oh! oh! (Clasping stomach with both hands) Me liverpin is shuck loose an' me front gazoolium is squozin' me tingy-lingy-lingtum ! Sally. Dat's good! Go ter bed an' die lak a Chris '- yun. Come on. (Helps her out d. c, groaning) Unacquainted With Work 4=3 ENTER Aramantha d. l., wraps on. Aramantha. Something's wrong with Charlie. {Takes off wraps and lays them on table) I've the cage, but Where's his bird? I'd better take a hand. (Rings) ENTER Bennie d. c. Bennie. Did ye ring, sir? Aramantha {surprised). Sir? Bennie. Hnllo, Mis' Artichoke. You back? Did ye ring? Aramantha. Yes, I'm back, an' I did ring. Is Miss Elsie in? Bennie. Dunno. I'll see. (Going c.) Aramantha. If she is, tell her I want her. Bennie. I'll do it. [EXIT d. a Aramantha. She'll come. If Charlie has failed in his lovemakin' it's time for me ter take holt. ENTER Elsie d. r. Elsie. How do you do, Mrs. Artichoke. I 'm glad to see you. Do you want me ? Aramantha. Of course I do. {Shaking hands) Why, you've lost half your color. Have you and yer young man ben quarrelin'? Elsie {twisting apron nervously). I have no young man. Aramantha. Shame on them! I'll see what the old widder can do. Elsie {hastily). Do not trouble yourself; I neither wish nor deserve a young man. Aramantha. Nonsense! Every nice girl ought ter have one. I'll see 'bout it. Elsie. Please, Mrs. Artichoke Aramantha {interrupting). 0, no trouble! My nephew knows all the young fellers ; I '11 speak ter him. Elsie {starting forward impetuously) . Do not speak to anybody; — ^least of all to him. Aramantha. Don't git excited. Charlie won't mind. 44 Unacquainted With Work Elsie {tightening grip). Not a word to Mr. Chester if you value my happiness. Aramantha (leading her to armchair). Set down. I'm not goin' to hev ye faintin' if I can help it. (Gets chair and sits) Why don't ye want me to consult my nephew ? Elsie {hiding face with handkerchief). I can't tell you. Aramantha. Don't he know a gentleman from a scallawag 1 Elsie {in smothered tones) . Yes— yes-s. Aramantpia. Then ye doubt his own character. I don 't blame ye ; he 'bout went the limit. Fih^m {sitting up in angry protest). He didn't! You shall not say such things about him. Aramantha. Pretty sharp claws for a kitten ! Why shouldn 't I consult him about a husband for you ? Elsie {confused). I — I don't know — but you mustn 't. Aramantha. Don't ye like him? Elsie. Like him! Oh, heaven! {Sinks hack and hides face again) Aramantha. Well, it's his own fault. Elsie {starting up and defending him). It isn't; I do! {Hastily) I mean I don't! Aramantha. Yer gittin' mixed. Ye dew, an' ye don't—whaf^. Elsie {averting face). I — like him! Aramantha. Well — I ruther hoped so. Elsie {quickly). Hoped what? Aramantha. Ye didn't like him. Elsie {turning, with spirit). I do — so there! Aramantha. Wall, I ruther hoped that more. Do ye love him? Elsie {hides face on arms on chair hack). Don't ask me! Aramantha. But I have. Dew ye? Elsie {desperately). 1 can't tell — I wo7i't tell! I never have told and I never will. Unacquainted With Work 45 Aramantha (dryly), I wouldn't — there ain't no need of it. Does he love you? Elsie, (in smothered voice). No; he only says he does. Aramantha. Oh, he does say he does? What excuse does he give for not marryin' ye? Elsie {turning, -firing tip). He doesn't give any. Aramantha, Doesn't give any excuse! Then why doesn't he dew it? Elsie. Because — oh, just because ! Aramantha. Any iDoy that could marry you, and doesn 't, is a fool ! Elsie. He's not! You shall not say so. Aramantha. If he wasn't ye'd be his wife inside o' fifteen minutes, if there's no reason agin it, I shall never be convinced. Elsie. There is a reason — and you shall be convinced. Aramantha. Oh, shall I ? Elsie (defiantly). You shall. Mr. Chester does not marry me because I will not marry him. Aramantha. I don't blame ye — no decent girl would. Elsie (starting to feet). For shame! Mrs. Arti- choke — slandering your own sister's child. He's too good and noble to be tied down to me. Aramantha. Why not, you dear, unselfish child? (Pleadingly) For my sake! for Charlie's (Pauses) Elsie (sadly). I cannot. Aramantha (softly). Why not, dear? Elsie. That concerns Mr. Chester and myself. (Goes and sits R. of table) Aramantha. True, — but will you not relent? I know his faults — but he is the dearest thing in the world to me — and j^ou are next. For my sake ! — for his ! Elsie (sighing heavily). I cannot. Aramantha (gently, crossing to her). Tell me why, dear. Elsie. I think you know. Aramantha. I think so, too. His uselessness is the bar to his happiness. 46 Unacquainted With Work Elsie. If 1 represent his happiness — which I dare not believe. Aramantha. He has promised he will reform, will Work. Elsie. He has promised twice before. Aramantha. He may do it this time. Elsie. I dare not think so. Aramantha. Will you not help me make him? Marry him and save him from himself ! You are his last, his only hope. Elsie. 0! my heart is breaking! (Bows head in arms on table and sots bitterly) Aramantha {kneeling and taking her in her arms). Sob it all out here on my faithful old heart — almost as sad and broken as your own ! Elsie (wildly). If I only dared to yield — ^but how can I! Aramantha. I 'm a broken down old woman. The lit- tle I have was scraped together by toil and saving; if I lose it there is nothing for me but the poorhouse. There is nobody to look to but Charlie — and he is a broken reed ! Elsie. Why do you tell me this ? Aramantha. Because I have thrown caution to the winds. I have bought and furnished a home for Charlie. I stand ready to pay all his debts — on his bare promise to reform. Elsie {kissing her). You dear, generous woman! Aramantha. Not generous; only just — yet I shall be a pauper if he fails me. I have risked my all — you can do no more. Elsie (admiringly) . You kind-hearted, unselfish old lady ! (Kisses her again) Aramantha. No — a scheming, selfish old lady. Elsie. But how? Aramantha. Ever since my husband's death I have longed for love and a home — and have had to put up v»rith hired service and a hotel. Elsie (patting her cheek). You deserve something better. Unacquainted With Work 47 Aramantha. Perhaps not, but I want something bet- ter — and you can give it to me. Elsie. Is it for the best ? Aramantha. God knows, child; I think so. If this little hand {Patting it) does not hold Charlie back, into what depths of folly may he not yet fall ? Elsie {remembering) . Ah, I had forgotten! {Loos- ening her arms, rising and crossing over to sit in arm- chair) He has fallen already. Aramantha {rising and sitting hy table). What do you mean ? Elsie. Charlie is engaged to about every single woman in the village — but me ! Aramantha {sharply). How do you know? Elsie {embarrassed). Well — there are three breach of promise cases pending against him — so Billy Briefless says, and he handles them. Aramantha. Who are the girls? Elsie. Biddy the chambermaid, an old maid book agent — and a colored cook. Aramantha {astonished). Jewhittaker! 'Seuse me, Elsie; I didn't mean ter swear. Any more? Elsie. I don't know. Aramantha. That'll dew pooty well — fer a begin- nin'. See what we're responsible for. Elsie {astonished). We? Aramantha. Sure! I made him promise ter git married within thirty days an' you driv him desperit. Elsie. I didn 't know — I never dreamed Aramantha. 0' course ye didn't! We've got him inter a pooty mess ; now let 's git him out. Elsie. But how? Aramantha. The Lord only knows — but it's got ter be did. We must git him away from them harpies ; then you must marry him. Elsie. Oh — not that ! Not yet ! Aramantha. Ye '11 not refuse outright ? Ye '11 prom- ise ter consider? Elsie {hiding face, slowly). Ye-es; I'll do that. 4S Unacquainted With Work Arama-ntua {joy fully) . I knew ye 'd save him. (Ris- ing) Take me ter my room. (Takes Elsie's arm and GOES R.) I'll git rid o' them bloodsuckers; then it's up ter you. [EXIT Aramantha and Elsie d. r. Jacob (off stage c). I '11 larn ye ter go ter bed wrong end fust in my house ! Mike (off stage G.) . Lave go! (Struggle Jieard out- side c.) Oh, if I c'ud git wan poonch at yez! Jacob (off stage). Wall, ye can't; I've got ye noAV an ' out you go ! ENTER Jacob d. c, dragging in Mike hy the collar, flat on his hack and struggling furiously. Mike. 'Twas mane advantage ye tuck. Face me loike a gintlemin an' ITl show yez! (Struggles) Jacob. I've got ye, an' I'll keep ye goin'. Come on! (Brags him l.) Mike. If Biddy saw yez thraggin' me round, she'd schulp yez. Jacob. Not much ! She told me ter roll ye out. She wants ter make the bed. Mike (tracing hands desperately, sitting up and look- ing over shoulder). What! Jacob. It's so. What business had ye in one o' my beds anyway? Mike. Oh, what divilish desatef ulness ! (Calling) Biddy! Biddy McMuUen! If she wu'd only eoom! — but she can't. Jacob. Wall, you kin go; now git ter goin'. (Brags him off L.) [EXIT Mike and Jacob d. l. EN-TER Bennie d. c. Bennie (going down). Did ye ring, sir? Oh, no- body here. That's a wonder. Somebody allers wants me — or else don't, which is wuss! (Rubs base of spine) Somebody's been here. (Takes wraps from table and looks at them) Looks like old Mis' Artichoke's shawl an' bunnit. Wonder how they'd overcome me! (Puts them on) Ain't I the little daisy peacherino! (Struts Unacquainted With Work 49 about; noise off stage; alarmed) Oil lor'! somebody's comin'! (Darts vf stage) Charlie (off c, calling) . Bennie! Bennie. No go that way ! (Ruslies L., crash outside) Jacob (off stage, l.). Come along or I'll break yer neck ! Bennie (stopping, in consternation). Or that either! One chance more ! (Runs "R.) Elsie (outside R., calling). Yes, here I am. All right; I'll be right down. (Sound of receding steps) Bennie. There she goes! Mebbe I can git out yit. (Tiptoes c.) Charlie (off c). Where are you? Ben! (Steps heard) Bennie. It 's no use ; I 'm cotched. (RunsR.) Darn it! (Sits in armchair, pulls down veil and 7nuffles face in shawl) ENTER Charlie d. c. Charlie. Confound the boy! He's never round when he's wanted. Bennie (aside). Everybody else is always round when they're not wanted. (Hides face again) Charlie (sitting r. of table). Oh the devil! Here's half my thirty days gone and not a single wife yet! Those catamounts sueing me wouldn't touch me with a pair of tongs now. (Puts left hand to chin and bows head in thought) Whom can I find? Bennie (peeping, aside) . Darned if I care, if ye don't find me! (Muffles face again) Charlie (in desperation) . I don't care, as long as it's somebody. (Jumps up, crosses over and sees Bennie) Who in thunder are you ? Bennie (in squeaky voice) . I'm Little Miss MufPet. Charlie (quickly). Little Miss Muffet? Then you haven't any husband? Bennie (squeaking). No, sir. I don't know what I could do with him if I had. Charlie (aside, striking pcdm with fist). If this isn't 50 Unacquainted With Work luck I But I'll be careful. (To Bennie) How old are you, Miss Muff et? Bennie {still squeaking, primly). I'm sweet sixteen. Charlie (to himself). Just right! {To Bennie) Can you cook? Bennie. Eather ! I 'm always gittin ' things inter hot water. {Aside, viciously) I'll cook your goose ef I ever git a chance ! Charlie. Are you a good housekeeper ? Bennie. The very devil at it. Give me a house an' see 'f I keep it. ENTER Elsie d. r., with duster. Elsie. The new scrub-woman isn't coming to-day. {Stopping short, surprised) There's Mr. Chester! Charlie {aside). Eather slangy — but she'll do. I'd marry anything now. Elsie {overhearing) . Can I believe my ears? Charlie {to Bennie). Dear Miss Muffet! Elsie {aside). I never heard of her! Charlie. Unveil those eyes ! Bennie. Oh, I couldn 't. I 'm too modest. Elsie {aside). He isn't! Charlie. Do! I'm dying to feast my eyes upon your face. Elsie {aside, spitefully). And I'm dying to get my hands on yours ! Bennie. Wha' d'ye wanter lamp my mug for? Charlie. I want you for my wife. {Kneels hy chair and takes his hand) Bennie {grumhling, aside). Somebody allers wants me for sump'n. Elsie (asicZe). Oh heaven! Charlie. Fair maid, will you marry me? Bennie. Sure, Mike ; anything else ? Charlie {putting arm around him). One thing more. Bennie {hanging off). Oh lor'! Wha' d'ye want now ? Charlie. Uncover your mouth. Unacquainted With Work 51 Ehsm (aside). False, utterly false ! [EXIT D. R., handkerchief to eyes CuARiAE {coaxingly). Just one! Bennie. Darned if I will! Charlie. Why not, dear ? Bennie. I ben eatin' onions. Charlie. I love them. Bennie. So do I — an' jes' loved some. Charlie. If that is all {Tries again) Bennie {slatting about pettishly). Git out! I — I hain't shaved for a week. Charlie {thunderstruck). What! — and only sixteen ! No matter! {Tries again) Bennie {indignantly). Grit out! Ef yer that fresh I won't tie up with ye. {Flounces out of opposite side of chair and minces up stage) QYiMOAE {following). Wait a minute! {Taking hold of shawl) Bennie. I won't! Leggo! Charlie {coaxing). Please! Bennie. I guess nit, Rosie. {Pulls) Charlie. Just a minute! {Holding on shawl) Bennie. No sirree bob! I'm no waiter — or cham- bermaid either. {Breaks aivay, disclosing knicker- bockers. Elsie peeps in r. as Bennie rushes out c, then she disappears) Charlie. What does she know about the chamber- maid? I must investigate. {Follows him) [EXIT d. c. ENTER Mandy d. r., with dishpan and scrubbing brush, face done up in a red handkerchief. Mandy. Drat old Sharp ! He give me the Old Scratch 'cause I was a few minutes late— an' me with the ragin' toothache all night ! Little he keers! * {Holds up pan) Now look at this old pan he give me ! I've a good mind not ter scrub a bit. {Puts pan on floor) I gotter have some gin anyway. {Produces flask) If I hold some in my mouth it may stop the pain. I can 't answer if anybody speaks ter me — but no marter ! {Fills mouth 52 Unacquainted With Work with gin, pockets flask, kneels with hack to audience and scrubs floor) ENTER Charlie d. c. Charlie. Can't find Miss Muffet anywhere! I'm afraid there's another wife gone to pots. {Sees Mandy) Hello, I don't know you, do I? Mandy {mouth full) . Mm! {Scrubs) Charlie. Just as you say. I don't recall your name, though. {Thoughtfully) It must be — {Stops) Mandy {scrubbing) . Mm! Charlie. Of course. I thought so. {Aside) Funny name, Mm! Still it's easily changed. I once knew a fellow named Shnitzenhauser and a girl called Huggen- buster. {To Mandy) Are you single? Mandy. Mm ! Charlie. Good! Can you keep house? Mandy. Mm! Charlie. It's the will of the Lord! {To Mandy) Will you marry me? {Bends over her) ENTER Elsie d. r. Elsie. The scrub-woman did come. {Seeing others and stopping) The universal lover! Charlie. What is my answer, fair one? Mandy. Mm ! Elsie. He's courting the scrub- woman — and she's ac- cepted him ! Charlie. Good! {Hesitating) You — you wouldn't be willing to give me a kiss ? Mandy {scrubbing). Mm! Charlie. None of the others would. You know I'll be good to you, don't you? Mandy. Mm ! Charlie {putting arm around her). Won't you show me your face, my dear ? Mandy {leaning hack hastily and looking up at him, impatiently ) . Mm ! Charlie {aside). She's no spring chicken. Well, I Unacquainted With Work 63 suppose I'll have to kiss her now; I can shut my eyes. {Shuts eyes and leans over her) Elsie. I can bear no more. [EXIT hastily d. r. Mandy (spitefully). Mm! {Pokes scruhhing -brush in his face) Charlie {opening eyes and starting hack, hut not re- leasing her). Wow! This one hasn 't shaved for a week, either. {To Mandy, ruhhing mouth with disengaged hand) Use cascarets, my dear; your breath is sour. {Makes face and spits) Mandy. Mm! {Scruhs again) ENTER Biddy d. c. Biddy {clasping hands). Great hiven! Me lover is lovin' the scroob-leddy. {Rushing down stage, to Mandy) Lit me man alone! Mandy {without looking up) . Mm! {Scruhs) Biddy {to Charlie). It's' breakin' me hearrut is. Ye '11 smash it foiner thin hashed liver. Coomfort me! the worruld is fadin' from me soight. {Pitches head first into his arms) Charlie {releasing Mandy and staggering as he sup- ports Biddy). Ain't this a devil of a mess? Mandy. Mm! {Scrubs) Charlie. What am I to do with this pile of pork? {Braces himself and tries to lift Biddy to feet) Here! {Shaking her) Wake up, and crawl! ENTER Elsie d. r., hastily. Elsie {alarmed). Mike Murphy is here, crazy mad! {Stopping suddenly) Another one! {Clasps hands over heart) ENTER Billy d. l. Billy {stopping at door). What's going on? {Aside) I'll lose one of my clients. {Hurrying on) Stop that lally-gagging ! I '11 have you put under guardianship as non compos mentis. 54 Unacquainted With Work Charlie {bracing feet and staggering). What are you kicking about? Billy. I won't have you hugging my client. It's worse than contempt of court. Mandy {with empliasis). Mm! {Scrubs) Charlie. It was contempt of court on Biddy's part. She caught me courting the scrub-lady. Mandy. Mm ! Charlie. Passed unanimously. Sister McMullen, {Bending over Biddy) some resolution is now in order. Elsie {clasping Jiands). Oh! Charlie {tenderly) . Won't you make a motion, to expedite matters ? BihhY {angrily). I tell you to stop. Charlie. You don't seem to like it. Billy. No, sir; I don't. Charlie. I don't, either. Maybe you will, after do- ing it as long as I have. Try it. {Throws Biddy into Billy's arms with a mighty heave) Billy {staggering) . Here! What are you doing? Charlie. Not a thing; I'm done. You're doing it now. ENTER Mike d. l., in a rage. Mike {furiously). Here, yous! Thrap me purthy little baby shnowflake. {Shakes fist at Billy) Billy. All right; I'd have to in a minute. {Drops Biddy on Mandy 's back) Mandy {throwing her off, ejecting inouthful of gin as she staggers back and yells). Yarr! Git off my kid- neys, you dropsical old poppyhittimus ! Take that for yer impidence ! {Slams scrubbing-brush in Biddy's face) Biddy. Wah-hah-yah! Kiss me aisier, Charrules, an' shave afore the nixt wan. Thot tasthes loike a dose av salts. {Spits) Charlie {laughing). It was 'sault — and battery, too. Biddy {to Mandy). What are yez laughin' at? ye shay-gorilly ! I'll shkulp yez. {Grabs for her hair) Mandy. I'll ampitate yer old wig. {Grabs her by Jiair; Biddy is on her knees) Unacquainted With Work 55 Mike (to Charlie, angrily). What d'yez mane? It's a woondher ye didn't break her. Pick her oop, now. Billy. I never picked up a girl in my life — and I won't now. I've tried to be respectable. Mike. Thin ye've made a domm failure av it. {Grimly advancing with fists doubled) Pit 'em oop whoile I tache yez somep'n. Billy {frightened) . Keep off! — I'll bring an action for assault with intent to kill. {Backs off) Mike. Oh, sue yer gran'mither for divorsh an' ally- money — an' name the grin'shtun for co-reshpondint. Ye've got ter foight. Billy {in agony, hacking as Mike comes on). I won 't ! Mike. Take thot, thin! {Slaps Ms face) Billy {clapping hand to cheek). Ow! I'll murder you! {Strikes hack at him) Mike {parrying). Thot's phwat the docther or- dhered. Take thot! {Strikes; Billy goes over hack- ward into Mandy's pan) Billy {leaping to feet with frenzied yell). Ow! Ow! it's hot! {Capers) ENTER Bennie d. c. Bennie. Did ye ring? — {Looking around) any of ye. Mike {grimly). No — but I rickon the shyster oughter be wrung. Charlie {laughing, as Billy waltzes about stage hold- ing on trousers) . I guess that's no dream — but he needs a clothes wringer. TABLEAU. — Mike with fists doubled, scowling; Charlie laughing at Billy, who is facing front, holding pants with both hands and dancing with pain; Biddy and Mandy sitting on floor and tugging at each other's hair ; Elsie at wing with hands clasped and look of hor- ror and disgust ; Bennie in^ecstasies of mirth up c. CURTAIN 56 Unacquainted With Work ACT IV SCENE .^ — Same as Acts I, II and III. Thne, a week later than Act III. DISCOVERED Aramantha sitting in anncJiair. Aramantha. Oh dear! The fat's in the fire. Charlie promised to marry but all he's got ter show is a lot o' breach o' promise cases. I thought Elsie would take him, but she won't hear of it. What can I do? He and Elsie are both as sot as mules. ENTER Jacob D. c. Jacob. Good arternoon, Mis' Artichoke. How be ye? Aramantha. Oh, so-so! How's Mr. Sharp? Jacob. He's duller than Parson Poundtext's Sunday sermon an ' a bigger blockhead than that nevvy o ' yourn. Aramantha. Then ye cap the climax. Who 's got the best ' ye now ? Jacob. That same nevvy o' yourn. Aramantha. Oh! {Turning to watch Jiim) Yer not so sharp as I thought for — an' Charlie's a sight sharper. What ye goin' ter dew? Jacob. I thought I'd find out what you was goin' ter dew — a-fore I done anything. Aramantha. Me? Nothin'. What d'ye s'pose I was goin' ter dew? Jacob. Jest that — nothin' — ^but I thought I'd better make sure. {Insinuatingly) Ye don't feel like payin' his bills? Aramantha. No; or {Thoughtfully) I might possibly — ^under certain conditions. He knows them a 'ready. Jacob. I s'pose he's told ye what's comin'? Aramantha. He said ye was goin' ter sue — in thirty days. Jacob. That's right — an' Unacquainted With Work 57 Aramantha {raising eyebrows). Well? Jacob (angrily). 'T ain't well! it's mighty bad. Didn't he tell ye what I'll dew then? Aramantha {with assumed lack of interest). I for- git. What? Jacob {furiously) . Ef he don't pjay I'll board him in jail until he does. Aramantha. The law won 't let ye. Jacob. Billy Briefless says so — an' he must know. Aramantha. Yes, he knows — but he might lie ter git a job. Jacob. 'Tenny rate I kin try it. Aramantha {carelessly). I don't see what good it's goin ' ter dew yer — or him either ! Jacob. It'll help my feelin's some — ef it don't his'n. Aramantha {stretching and yawning). Well, that's Charlie's affair. Talk ter him. Jacob {ju7nping up in rage). I won't talk ter him; Vllshoivhim. {Hurries off r.) Aramantha {as he reaches door), Mr. Sharp! Jacob {stopping). What? Aramantha. Which ye ruther hev, yer revenge or yer money? Jacob. My money, o' course. Aramantha. I kin show ye how ter git it. Jacob {coming hack quickly). How? Aramantha. My nephew is kinder sweet on yer little niece. Jacob ( raging ) . He sha 'n 't marry her I Aram.aietective Agency — at your service! CURTAIN WWW^ftft^^^^/^AffA^AMAftA^WAftA/WAW^W^AMAAW PLAYS WE RECOMMEND Fifteen Cents Each (Postage, 1 Cent Extra) Unless Otherwise Mentioned Acts Males Females Time Arabian Nights Bundle of Matches (27c.) Crawford's Claim (27c.) Her Ladyship's Niece (27c.) Just for Fun (27c.) Men, Maids, Matchmakers Our Boys Puzzled Detective Three Hats Timothy Delano's Courtship Up-to-Date Anne White Shawl Fleeing Flyer From Punkin' Ridge Handy Solomon Hoosier School Kiss in the Dark Larry Love Birds' Matrimonial Agency Married Lovers Ma's New Boarders (27c.) Mrs. Forester's Crusade New Pastor Relations Standing Room Only Stormy Night Surprises Tangles Little Rogue Next 'Till Three P. M. Train to Mauro When Women Rule Won by a Kodak April Fools Fun in a Schoolroom Little Red Mare Manager's Trials Mcdica Mischievous Bob Cheerful Companion Dolly's Double Drifted Apart Gentle Touch John's Emmy Point of "View Professor's Truant Glove Belles of Blackville Sweet Family (27c.) Conspirators (27c.) A Day and a Night (27c.) Gertrude Mason, M.D. (27c.) In Other People's Shoes Maidens All Forlorn (27c.) Mary Ann Romance of Phyllis (27c.) s. Feathers Tanglefoot vs. Peruna Great Libel Case (27c.) (27c.) Door Farce 3 4 6 2y4h Comedy 2 1 7 iy2h Drama 3 9 8 2y4h iy2h Comedy 4 4 4 " 8 2 4 2h " (27c.) 3 4 4 2h 3 6 4 2h Farce 3 5 3 Ih 3 5 4 2h Comedy (27c.) Farce Drama Farce Comedy Farce Sketch Farce Comedy Farce Comedy Farce Comedy Dialogue Minstrel Entertainment Comedy Farce Comedy 4 4 4 2 2 1 1 1 3 2 3 1 1 4 3 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 any no. Ih Ih iy2h ly^h iy4h 20m 30m 45m 45m 80m 45m 80m 80m 30m 20m 35m 40m 80m 30m 40m 20m 15m 15m 50m 30m 40m 85m 45m 35m 40m 25m 20m 30m 30m 20m 20m 20m 2h Ih 40m Ih 80m 50m ly^h 30m iy4h 80m iy2h 2h ■ «! PLAYS WE RECOMMEND For Schools and Colleges Twenty-five cents (Postage 2 cents extra) Acts Males Females Time Irish Eden Kidnapped Freshman Matrimoni J TiCF Little Savage Lodgers Taken In Miss Mosher of Colorado Miss Neptune My Uncle from India Never Again New England Folks Next iDoor Oak Farm Riddles Rosebrook Farm Stubborn Motor Car Too Many Husbands When a Man's Single Where the Lane Turned After the Honeymoon Biscuits and Bills Chance at Midnight Conquest of Helen The Coward Sheriff of Tuckahoe Bashful Mr. Bobbs Whose Widow Alice's Blighted Profes- sion Regular Girls 100% American Parlor Patriots Fads and Fancies Mr. Loring's Aunts My Son ArthEr Sewing Circle Meets Every Senior Bride and Groom Last Chance Bubbles Hurricane Wooing Peggy's Predicament Found in a Closet Slacker (?) for the Cause Baby Scott Biily's Bungalow College Chums Delegates from Denver Football Romance Held for Postage In the Absence of Susan Transaction in Stocks Aunt Dinah's Quilting Party Bachelor Maids' Reunion In the Ferry House Rustic Minstrel Show Ye Village Skewl of Long Ago Rainbow Kimona Rosemary Pharaoh's Knob Comedy Farce Farce Comedy Farce Drama Comedy Comedy Farce Comedy Farce Comedy Drama Comedy Drama Western Comedy Sketch Sk. Entertainment Comedy Sketch Comedy Entertainment Morality play Farce Comedy Sketch Farce Comedy Farce Comedy Farce Comedy Entertainment Comedy ^^fliWAflA^MAftMA■ 6 4 1 4 4 3 8 4 5 4 4 4 8 9 4 4 4 6 3 1 1 2 ? 1 7 4 8 any no. 15 12 17 13 8 10 8 5 12 3 3 5 3 1 4 4 3 10 4 4 4 4 5 2 15 any no. any no. 1 1 11 any no. 11 any no. any no. 9 14 12 2h 2y4h Ih 2h 2y2h 2h li/4h 2y3h 2h 2%h 2h 2y2h IVih l%h 2y2h 2h 2h 2h 50m ly^h 25m Ih 30m Ih 2y2h 50m 50m Ih iy2h ih Ih ly^h %h ly^h 40m 2y4h lyah iy2h lyah y2h 20m 20m 2y4h 2h 2h %h 2%h iy4h iy2h 45m 2h iy2h iy2h iy2h 2h lyoh iy2h Ih LIBRARY OF CONGRESS lllilllll 017 401 849