^0 <. ^ \> „ K * , ^i <-i* ^ s> °* ^ °^ '..>, ^>. _v rf r ^^ ^tf : ^0 - Vtf «, % ^ & - Xn^ V v % X^ : c «I\^?>6? A, DANDY DICK (& Qpfeg in £0ree (gtcfe BY ^/ ARTHUR PINERO AUTHOR OF "SWEET LAVENDER," "THE TIMES," "THE CABINET MINISTER, " LADY BOUNTIFUL," ETC. 3 + ^77V ' NEW YORK UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY 5 and 7 East Sixteenth Street Chicago : 266 & 263 Wabash Ave. v<\ •> Tr13 Copyright, 1893, BV ARTHUR PINERO [.-J// r/^^ reserved} 3/ ll£> INTRODUCTORY NOTE. " Dandy Dick " was the third of the farces which Mr. Pinero wrote for the old Court Theatre — a series of plays which, besides giving playgoers a fresh source of laughter, and the English stage a new order of comic play, brought plentiful prosperity to the joint management of Mr. Arthur Cecil and the late Mr. John Clayton. But a kind of melancholy interest attaches to " Dandy Dick," for this play was, as it were, the swan-song of the old theatre and of the Clayton and Cecil partnership ; and it was the piece in which Mr. Clayton was acting when death overtook him, to the general grief. The production of "Dandy Dick" may be con- sidered as something of a tour deforce in its way. " The Schoolmistress " was at the end of its success- ful run, and Mr. Pinero was under contract to supply its successor by a certain date, when Mr. Clayton one day went down to Brighton, where the dramatist was then at work, to hear him read the two com- pleted acts of the new play. To Mr. Clayton's con- sternation, however, Mr. Pinero announced that he was dissatisfied with his work, and proposed to begin an entirely new play, as he had a more promising G INTR OB UCTOR Y NOTE. idea. But time was pressing, and a successor to " The Schoolmistress " was an immediate necessity. However, Mr. Pinero's idea of writing a play round a dean, who, while being a paragon of dignity and decorum, should be driven by an indiscreet act into a most undignified dilemma, appealed to Mr. Clayton, and hastening back to London with the sketches for the requisite scenes, he left Mr. Pinero to set to work at once upon the new scheme. And within a few weeks, indeed by the time the scenery was ready, the new play was completed, the rural constable of a village adjacent to Brighton having suggested the character of Noah Topping. " Dandy Dick " was produced at the Court Theatre on January 27th, 1887, and, meeting with a most favorable initial reception, it settled down imme- diately into a complete success. The following is a copy of the first-night programme : — ROYAL COURT THEATRE, SLOANE SQUARE, S.W. Lessee* and Managers : Mr. John Clayton and Mr. Arthur Cecil. Programme THIS EVENING, THURSDAY, JANUARY 27, At 8.30 punctually, INTRODUCTORY NOTE. DANDY DICK. AN ORIGINAL FARCE, IN THREE ACTS, BY A. W. PINERO. The Very Rev. Augustin Jedd, D.D. (Dean of St. Marvell's) . . Sir Tristram Mardon, Bart . . . — th Hussars Major Tarver Mr. Darbey quartered at Durnstone, near St. Mar- vell's Blore (Butler at the Deanery) . Noah Topping (Constable at St. Marvell's) Hatcham (Sir Tristram's groom) Georgiana Tidman (a Widow, the Dean's sister) . Salome Sheba the Dean' s Daughters Hannah Topping (formerly in Ser- vice at the Deanery) . Mr. John Clayton. Mr. Edmund Maurice. Mr. F. Kerr. Mr, IT. Eversfield. Mr. Arthur Cecil. Mr. W. H. Denny. Mr. W. Lugg. Mrs. John Wood. Miss Marie Lewes. Miss Norreys. Miss Laura Linden. ACT I. AT THE DEANERY, ST. MARVELL'S (Morning.) ACT II. THE SAME PLACE. (Evening.) INTR OD UCTOR Y NO TE. ACT III.— The Next Day. Scene 1: — " The Strong L'o.r," St. MarvelVs. Scene 2. — The Deanery again. The curtain will be lowered for a few minutes between the two scenes. New Scenery by Mb. T. W. Hall, Preceded, at Eight o'clock, by "THE NETTLE." An Original Comedietta by ERNEST WARREN. "Dandy Dick" was performed 171 times between the first night and the 22d of July, when, the old theatre being demolished, Mr. Clayton took a tem- porary lease of Toole's Theatre, and transferred the play thither, where it ran 75 nights more. A company had already been sent out, under the auspices of the Court management, to perform " Dandy Dick " in the provinces ; but, when the play was withdrawn from the London boards, Mr. Clay- ton set out himself with a company, and it was during this tour that he died at Liverpool. In America Mr. Daly produced " Dandy Dick." with Miss Ada Rehan in Mrs. John Wood's part, but no very great success was achieved ; whereas in Australia its reception was so enthusiastic that it INTRODUCTORY NOTE. 9 ran for quite an unusual time both in Melbourne and Sydney. In the character of the Dean, Mr. G. W. Anson achieved perhaps the greatest of his Austra- lian successes, and Mr. Robert Brough made his mark as the policeman. Malcolm C. Salaman. Ddcember, 1892. DANDY DICK. THE FIRST ACT. The morning-room in the Deanery of St. Mdrvells, with a large arched opening leading to the library on the right, and a deeply-recessed window open- ing out to the garden on the left. It is a bright spring morning, and an air of comfort and serenity pervades the place. Salome, a tall, handsome, dark girl, of about three- a i id-twenty, is sitting with her elbows resting on her knees, staring wildly into vacancy. Siieba, a fair little girl of about seventeen, wearing short petticoats, shares her despondency, and lies pros- trate upon the settee. Salome. Oh ! oh my ! oh my ! oh my ! Sheba. [/Sitting upright.'] Oh, my gracious goodness, good- ness gracious me ! [ They both walk about excitedly. Salome. There's only one terrible word for it — it's a fix ! Sheba. It's worse than that ! It's a scrape ! How did you ever get led into it? 12 BANDY DICK. Salome. How did we get led into it ? Halves, Sheba, please. SlIEBA. It was Major Tarver's proposal, and I believe, Salome, that it is to you Major Tarver is paying attention. Salome. The Fancy Dress Masked Ball at Durnstone is pro- moted by the Officers of the Hussars. I believe that the young gentleman you have impressed calls him- self an officer, though lie is merely a lieutenant. Siieba. [Indignantly.'] Mr. Darbey is certainly an officer — a small officer. How dare you gird at me, Salome? Salome. Very well, then. When to-night we appear at the Durnstone AthenaBum, unknown to dear Papa, on the arms of Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey, I consider that we shall be equally wicked. Oh, how can we be so wrong ? Siieba. Well, we're not wrong yet. We're only going to be wrong; that's a very different matter. Salome. That's true. Besides, there's this to remember — we're inexperienced girls and have only dear Papa. But oh, now that the Ball is to-night, I repent, Sheba, I repent ! Sheba. I sha'n't do that till to-morrow. But oh, how I shall repent to-morrow! DANDY DICK. 13 Salome. \_TaTdng tin enveldpefrom her pocket, and almost crying.] You'd repent now if you had seen the account for the fancy dresses. Sheba. Has it come in ? Salome. Yes, the Major enclosed it to me this morning. You know, Sheba, Major Tarver promised to get the dresses made in London, so I gave him our brown paper patterns to send to the coat ami or. Sheba. [Shocked.] Oh, Salome, do you think he quizzed them? Salome. No ; I sealed them up and marked outside " To be opened only by a lady." Sheba. That's all right. I hate the plan of myself in brown paper. Salome. Well, of course Major Tarver begged to be allowed to pay for the dresses, and I said I couldn't dream of permitting it, and then he said he should be most unhappy if he didn't, and, just as I thought he was going to have feis v, [bursting into tears] he cheered up and said he'd yield to a lady. [ Taking a large account from the envelope?^ And oh ! he's yielded. Sheba. Read it ! Don't spare me ! 14 DANDY DICK. Salome. [Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costwmier to the Queen, Bow Street. One gown — period French Revolution, 1798 — Fifteen guineas ! " Sheba. [Sinking on her knees, clutching the table.'] Oh ! Salome. " Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Seven guineas ! " Siieba. [Hysterically.] Yah ! Salome. That's mine ! Sheba. [Putting her fingers into her ears.] Now for mine, oooh ! Salome. [Heading.] " One skirt and bodice — flower girl — period uncertain — Ten guineas." Sheba. Less than yours ! What a shame ! Salome. "Trimmings, linings, buttons, frillings — Five guineas ! Extras, Two guineas. Total, Forty pounds, nineteen. Ladies' own brown paper patterns mis- laid. Terms, Cash ! " [They throw themselves into each others arms. Salome, Oh, Sheba ! DANDt DICK. 15 Sheba. Salome! Are there forty pounds in the wide world? Salome. My heart weighs twenty. What shall we do ? Sheba. If we were only a few years older I should sug- gest that we wrote nice notes to Papa and committed suicide. Salome. Brought up as we have been, that's out of the question ! Sheba. Then let us be brave women and wear the dresses ! Salome. Of course we'll do that,but — the bill ! Sheba. We must get dear Papa in a good humor and coax him to make us a present of money. He knows we haven't been charitable in the town for ever so long. Salome. Poor dear Papa! He hasn't paid our proper dressmaker's bill yet, and I'm sure he's pressed for money. Sheba. But we can't help that when we're pressed for money — poor dear Papa ! Salome. Suppose poor Papa refuses to give us a present ? 16 DANDY DICK. She la. Then we must play the piano when he's at work on his Concordance — poor dear Papa ! Salome. However, don't let us wrong poor Papa in advance. Let us try to think how nice we shall look. Sheba. Oh yes— sha'n't I ! Salome. Oh, I shall ! And as for stealing out of the house with Major Tarver when poor dear Papa, has gone to bed, why, Gerald Tarver would die for me ! Sheba. So would Nugent Darbey for me ; besides I'm not old enough to know better. Salome. You're not so very much younger than I, Sheba! Sheba. Indeed, Salome! Then why do you keep me in short skirts ? Salome. Why ! you cruel girl ! You know I can' t lei igthen you till I'm married ! [Bloke, the butler, a venerable-looking per- son, with rather a clerical stiggestion about his dress, enters by the window. Bloke. \_Benignh/.~] The two soldier gentlemen have just rode hup, Miss Salome. [ The girls dutch each Other's hands. DANDY DICK. 17 Salome. You mean Major Tarver ? Sheba. And Mr. Darbey. They have called to inquire after poor Papa. Salome. Poor Papa ! Bloke. Shall I show them hin, Miss Sheba ? Sheba. Yes, Blore, dear, and hang your h's on the hat- stand. [Bloke laughs sweetly at Sheba and shakes his fingers at her play fully. Bloke. [ Vindictively, behind their backs.'] 'Ussies ! \_IIe goes out. Salome. Am I all right, Sheba ? Sheba. Yes. Am I ? Salome. Yes. [Zooking out at window.] Here they are ! How well Gerald Tarver dismounts ! Oh ! Sheba. He left his liver in India, didn't he ? Salome. No — only part of it. 18 DANDY DICK. Sheba. Well— part of it, Salome. And that he gave to his Queen, brave fellow ! Sheba. [Seating herself in an artificial attitude."] Where shall we be — here ? Salome. [Running to the piano.'] All right ; you be ad- miring my voice ! Sheba. Oh, I dare say ! Salome. Here they are, and we're doing nothing ! Sheba. Let's run away and then come in unconsciously. Salome. Yes —unconsciously. [They run off through the Library. Blore shows in Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey, who are both in regimentals. Major Tar- ver is a middleraged, tall, a a (/alar officer, with a thin fare, yellow complexion, and red eyes, lie is alternately in a state of great excitement and depression. Mr. Darbey is a mere boy, but icith a pompous, patronizing manner. Darbey. The Dean's out of the way, eh ! DANDY DICK. 19 Blore. Yes, sir, he his. Tarver. Eh ? How is the Dean ? Never mind — perhape Miss Jecld is at home ? Blore. Yes, sir, she his. Tarver. It would be discourteous to run away without asking Miss Jedd after her father. Darbey. [ Throwing himself on the settee.~\ Deuced bad form! Blore. The ladies were 'ere a minute ago. [Salome and Sheba icalk in together. Sa- lome has her arm, round her sister's tcaist and looks up to her with a sweet, trusting smile. They start in confusion on see- ing Tarver and Darbey. Salome. Major Tarver. SnEBA. Mr. Darbey. Tarver. [ Taking Salome's hand eagerly. ~\ My dear Miss Jedd ! Darbey. [Rising and putting a glass to his eye.~\ Hah yah ! Hah yah! 20 DAJfrDY DICK. Salome. [ With her hand on her heart.] You quite startled us. Tarver. [In an agony of contrition.'] Oh, did we? Darbey. . Awfully cut up to hear it. Sheba. We never dreamt of finding two visitors for Papa. Blore. Why, you told me to show the gentlemen bin, Miss Sheba! \_The tioo girls start guiltily and glare at Blore. Salome. [ With suppressed rage.] You needn't wait, Blore ! Blore. [ To himself ,] Let 'em 'ang that on the 'atstand ! [Blore goes out. Darbey and Sheba stroll together into the Library. Tarver. [ To Salome.] We thought we'd ride over directly after parade to make the final arrangements for to- night. Have the costumes arrived ? Salome. Yes, they came yesterday in a hamper labeled "Miss Jedd, Secretary, Cast-off Clothing Distribu- tion League." DANDY DICK. 21 Tarver. That was my idea — came to me in the middle of the night. Salome. Dear Major Tarver, surely this terrible strain on your nerves is very, very bad for you with your — your— Tarvek. My liver — say the word, Miss Jedd. Salome. \_Drooping her head.~] Oh, Major Tarver ! Tarver. It is frightfully injurious. Of course I'm excited now, and you see me at my best, but the alternating fits of hopeless despondency are shocking to witness and to endure ! Salome. Oh! Tarver. It's all that damned India! Oh! what have I said ! You will never forgive me. Salome. Indeed, indeed I will ! Tarver. Never. Oh, Miss Jedd, my forgetfulness has brought me — one of my — terrible attacks — of depres- sion ! Salome. Major Tarver ! \_She leads him to a chair into which he sinks in a ghastly state. Darbey strolls in from the Library icith Sheba. 22 DANDY DICK. Darbey. [ To Sheba.] Your remarks about the army are extremely complimentary. On behalf of the army I thank you. We fellows are not a bad sort, take us all round. Sheba. There's a grand future before you, isn't there ? Darbey. Well, I suppose there is if I go on as I'm gomg now. Tarver. [ To Salome.] Thanks, the attack has passed. Now about to-night ; at what time is the house entirely quiet ? Salome. Poor dear Papa goes round with Blore at half-past nine — after that all is rest and peacefulness. Tarver. Then if we're here with the closed carriage at ten — ! [They go together into the library. Darbey. [ To Sheba.] Some of us army men can slave too. Tarver's queer livah has thrown all the arrange- ments for the Fancy Ball on my shoulders. [Salome and Tarver re-enter. "] Look at him — that's when he's enjoying life ! Tarver. [Laughing convulsively. ~] Ha ! ha! ha! ho ! he ! he! Good, eh, Miss Jedd ? Salome. But suppose clear Papa should hear us crunching down the gravel path ! DANDY DICK. 23 Tarver. Oh ! \_He sinks on to the settee with a vacant stare, his arms hanging helplei Darbey. [ To Sheba.] There — now his career is a burden to him ! Sheba. Oh! Salome. Would you like a glass of water, Major Tarver ? Tarver. [ Taking Salome's hand.~] Thank you, dear Miss Jedd, with the least suggestion of cayenne pepper in it. Sheba. [Looking out at ioindov.\~] Oh, Salome! Papa! Papa ! Tarver. The Dean?- Darbey. The Dean ! [ They all collect themselves in a fluster. The two girls go to meet their father, who enters at the window with his head bowed and his hands behind his back, in deep thought. The Dean is a portly man of about fifty, with a dignified demeanor, a suave voice and persuasive manner, and a noble broio surmounted by silver- gray hair. Blore follows The Dean, carrying some boohs, a small bunch offloioers, and art umbrella. 24 BANDY DICK. Salome. [ Tenderly.'] Papa ! Sheba. Papsey ! [The Dean rouses himself, discovers his chil- dren and removes his hat. The Dean. [To Salome.] Salome! [To Sheba.] My toy- child! [lie draws the girls to him and embraces them, then sees Tarver and Darbey.] Dear me! Strangers ! Tarver and Darbey. [Coughing uncomfortably.] Il'm ! Salome. [Reproachfully, taking his hat from him.] Papa! Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey have ridden over from Durnstone to ask how your cold is. [Sheba takes the gold-rimmed pince-nez which hangs upon The Dean's waist- coat and places it before his eyes. The Dean. Dear me ! Major ! Mr. Garvey. Sheba. Mr. Darbey! The Dean. Darbey ! How good of you ! [ With his girls still embracing him he extends a hand to each of the men.] My cold is better. [Blore goes out through the Li- brary.] Major — Air. Garvey — these inquiries strike me as -being so kind that I insist — no, no, I beg that you will share our simple dinner Avith us to-night at six o'clock ! DANDY DICK. 25 Taevee. [Disconcerted. ] Oh ! Daebey. H'm ! The Dean. Let me see — Tuesday night is Salome. Leg of mutton, Papa ! The Dean. Thank you. Mutton, hot. Sheba. And custards, Papsey. The Dean. Thank you, toy-child — custards, cold. And a wel- come — warm. Tasves. [Looking to Salome.] Well, I — ah — [Salome nods her head to him violently. ~] That is, certainly, Dean, certainly. Daebey. Delighted, my dear Dean — delighted ! The Dean gives Daebey a severe look, and with an important cough walks into the Library. The men and the girls speak in undertones. Taevee. [Depressed.'] Now, what will happen to-night ? 26 BANDY DICK. Salome. Why, don't you see, as you will have to drive over to dine, you will both be here, on the spot, ready to take us back to Durnstone ? [The Deax sits at his desk in the Library. Darbey. Of course ; when we're turned out we can hang about in the lane till you're ready. Tarver. Yes, but when are we to make our preparations ? It'll take me a long time to look like Charles the First ! Sheba. We can drive about Durnstone while you dress. Salome. [ To Tarver, admiringly.'] Charles the First ! Oh, Major ! Darbey. That was my idea — Charles the Martyr, you know. Tarver's a martyr to his liver — see ? Sheba. Oh! sha'n't we all look magnificent? Salome. Oh! Tarver. Grand idea — the whole thing ! Darbey. Regular army notion ! [They are all in a state of great excitement when The Dea^ re-enters, with an anx- ious look, carrying a bundle of papers. BANDY DICK. 27 Salome. Here is Papa ! [ They 7'ush to various seats, all in constrained attitudes. Tarver. [ To The Dean.] We waited to say — good-morn- ing. The Deax. [Taking his hand, abstractedly. ] How kind! Good- morning! Darbey. Six o'clock sharp, Dean? The Deax. At six, punctually. Salome, represent me by escorting these gentlemen to the gate. [Salome, Tarver, and Darbey go out. Sheba is following slyly when, The Deax looks up from his papers.'] Sheba! Sheba. Papsey ! The Deax. Check me in a growing tendency to dislike Mr. Garvey. At dinner, Sheba, watch that I carve for him fairly. Sheba. Yes, Papsey ! [The Deax turns away and sits on the settee. Sheba, with her head down and her hands folded, walks towards the door, and then bounds oat. The Deax. [Turning the papers over in his hand, solemnly."] Bills ! \_He rises, walks thoughtfully to a chair, sits ■2i BAN BY BICK. and examines papers again.'] Bills ! [lie rises again, walks to another chair, and sinks into it with a groan.] Bills ! Salome and Sheba re-enter. Salome. [To Sheea, in a lohisper.] Papa's alone! Sheba. A beautiful opportunity to ask for that little present of money. Poor clear Papa ! Salome and Sheea. Poor clear Papa ! [They link their hands together and walk as if going out through the Library. The Dean. [Looking up.] Don't go, children ! [lie rises, the girls rush to him, and laugh- ing with joy they turn him like a top, dancing round him. [Panting.] Stop, children! Sheba. Papsey's in a good humor ! Salome. [Pinching his chin.] lie always is! Sheba. Papsey will listen to our little wants ! [ They force him into a chair. Salome sits on the ground embracing his legs, Sheba lies on the top of the table. BAND r DICK. 29 The Deax. Oh dear, oh clear ! Your wants are very little ones. What are they, Salome? What are they, toy-child? Salome. Papa ! Have you any spare cash ? The Deax. Spare cash ! Playful Salome ! SlIEBA. £ — s — (7, Papsey, or £ — s, Papsey, and never mind the — d. The Deax. Ha! ha! I am glad, really glad, children, that you have broken through a reserve which has existed on this point for at least a fortnight — and babbled for money. Sheba and Salome. [Laughing with delight.] Ha ! ha ! The Deax. It gives me the opportunity of meeting your de- mands with candor. Children, I have love for you, solicitude for you, but — I have no spare cash for any- body. \He rises and walks gloomily across to the piano, on the top of which he commences to arrange his bills. In horror Salome scrambles up from the floor, and Sheba wriggles off the table. Simultaneously they drop on to the same chair and huddle together. Salome. [To herself] Lost! 30 DANDY DICK. Sheba. [To herself.] Done for! The Dean. And now you have so cheerily opened the subject, let me tell you with equal good humor {emphatically flourishing the bills] that this sort of thing must be put a stop to. Your dressmaker's bill is shocking ; your milliner gives an analytical record of the feverish beatings of the hot pulse of fashion ; your general draper blows a rancorous blast which would bring dismay to the stoutest heart. Let me for once peal out a deep paternal bass to your childish treble and say emphatically — I've had enough of it ! \_He jKtces up and down. The tioo girls utter a loud yell of grief . Sheba. [ Through her tears."] We've been brought up as young ladies — that can't be done for nothing ! Salome. Sheba's small, but she cuts into a lot of material. The Dean. My girls, it is such unbosomings as this which pre- serve the domestic unison of a family. Weep, howl, but listen. The total of these weeds which spring up in the beautiful garden of paternity is a hundred and fifty-six, eighteen, three. Now, all the money I can immediately command is considerably under five hundred pounds. Salome. Oh, Papa! BANDY DICK. 31 Sheba. Oh! what a lot! The Dean. Hush! But read, Salome, read aloud tuispcc...- graph in u The Times " of yesterday. There, my child. [He hands a copy of " The Times'' 1 to Sa- lome with his finger upon a paragraph. Salome. [Reading. ~\ " A Munificent Offer. Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvells, whose anxiety for the preser- vation of the Minister Spire threatens to undermine his health, has subscribed the munificent sum of one thousand pounds to the Restoration Fund." [Indig- nantly^ Oh! Sheba. Oh ! and we gasping for clothing ! The Dean. Read on, my child. Salome. [Heading.'] " On condition that seven other donors come forward, each with the like sum." Salome. And will they ? The Dean. [Anxiously.'] My darling, times are bad, but one never knows. Sheba. If they don't! 32 DANDY DICK. The Deax. Then you will have your new summer dresses as usual. Salome. [Hoarsely. ~] But if they do ! Speak, Father ! The Deax. [ Gloomily.'] Then we will all rejoice ! Sheba and Salome. Rejoice ! The Deax. And retrench. Two R's, little ones. Retrench and Rejoice. [The two girls cling to each other as Blore comes from the Library with tico letters on a salver. Blore. The second post, sir — just hin. The Deax. [Blandly."] Thank you. Bloee. [Hearing Salome am? Sheba crying.] They've 'ad a scolding, 'ussies. Let 'em 'ang that on the 'at- stand ! [He is going out. The Deax. [ Opening letters.] Oh, Blore ! This note from Mr. Ilodder, the Secretary of " The Sport and Relaxa- tion Repression Guild/' reminds me that to-morrow is the first day of the Races — the St.Marvells Spring Meeting, as it is called. DANDY DICK. 33 Blore. Hindeed, sir — fancy that ! And I not know it ! The Dean. All our servants may not resemble you, Blore. Pray remind them in the kitchen and the stable of the rule of the house Blore. No servant allowed to leave the Deanery, on hany pretence, while the Races is on. The Dean. [Kindly.'] While the races are on — thank you, Blore. [ Opens his second letter. Blore. Thank you, sir. [To him self. ] Oh, if the Dean only knew the good thing I could put him on to for the Durnstone Handicap ! [He goes out. The Dean. Children ! Salome ! Sheba ! Here is good news ! Salome. [Running to him.'] Good news ! Sheba. What is it? The Dean. Your Aunt ! Sheba. Left us some money ? The Dean. Your Aunt is coming to live with us. M DANDY DICK. Sheba. To what ? Salome. To live with us ! What Aunt ? The Dean. My dear widowed sister, Georgiana Tidman. Salome. What's she like ? Sheba. We don't want her. The Dean. Good gracious ! Georgiana and I reconciled after all these years ! She will help us to keep the ex- penses down. Salome. Keep the expenses down ! The Dean. [Embracing his daughters.'] A second mother to my girls. She will implant the precepts of retrench- ment if their father cannot ! Salome. But, Papa, who is Aunt what's-her-name ? Sheba. Who is she ? The Dean. My dears — a mournful, miserable history ! [ With his head bent he walks to a chair, and holds out his hands to the girls, who r/o to him and kneel at his feet.'] When you were infants your Aunt Georgiana married an individual whose existence I felt it my sad duty never to recognize. DANDY DICK. DANDY DICK. tainly. [Blore goes out.] Mardon — why, Mardon and I haven't met since Oxford. [Blore re-enters, showing in Sir Tristram Mardon, a well-preserved man of about fifty, with a ruddy face and jovial manner ^ the type of the thorough English sporting gentleman. Blore goes out. Sir Tristram. Hullo, Jedd, how are you ? The Dean. My dear Mardon — are we boys again ? Sir Tristram. [Boisterously.] Of course we are ! Boys again ! \_IIe hits The Dean violently in the chest. The Dean. [Breathing heavily — to himself.'] I quite forgot how rough Mardon used to be. How it all comes back to me! Sir Tristram. Think I'm changed ? The Dean. Only in appearance ! Sir Tristram. I'm still a bachelor — got terribly jilted by a woman years ago and have run in blinkers ever since. Can't be helped, can it? You're married, aren't you? The Dean. [ With dign ity.~] I have been a widower for fif teer; years, DANDY DICK. 43 Sir Tristram. Oh lor 1 ! awfully sorry — can't be helped though, can it? [Seizing The Dean's hand and squeezing it.] Forgive me, old chap. The Deax. [ Withdrawing his hand with pain.'] O-o-ohi Sir Tristram. I've re-opened an old wound — damned stupid of me! The Deax. Hush, Mardon ! Please ! Sir Tristram. All right. What do you think I'm down here for ? The Deax. For the benefit of your health, Mardon ? Sir Tristram. Ila ! ha ! Xever had an ache in my life ; sha'n't come and hear you preach next Sunday, Gus. The Dean. I do not preach next Sunday ! Sir Tristram. You'd better not ! No, I'm here for the races. The Deax. , The races ! Hush, my dear Mardon, my girls . Sir Tristram. Girls ! May I trot 'em into the paddock to-mois row ? 44 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Thank you, no. Sir Tristram. Think it over. You've seen the list of Starters for the Durnstone Handicap ? The Dean. No, I haven't. Sir Tristram. Not ! Look here ! Sir Tristram Mardon's Dandy Dick, Nine stone two, Tom Gallawood up I What do you think of that ? The Deax. ] don't think of anything like that ! Sir Tristram. [Digging The Deax in the ribsJ] Look out for my colors — black and white, and a pink cap— first past the post to-morrow. The Deax. Really, my dear Mardon Sir Tristram. Good heavens ! Jedd, they talk about Bonny Betsy. The Deax. 1 grieve to hear it. The tongue of scandal- Sir Tristram. [ Taking The Dean's arm and walking him about.~] Do you imagine, sir, for one moment, that Bonny Betsy, with a boy on her back, can get down that l 11 with those legs of hers ? DANDY DICK. 45 The Dean. Another horse, I presume ? Sir Tristram. No, a bay mare. George Tick! knew what she was about when she stuck to Dandy Dick to the very last. The Deax. [Aghast.'] George— Tidcl ? Sir Tristram. Georgiana Tidman. Dandy came out of her stable after she smashed. The Deax. Bless me ! Sir Tristram. Poor old George! I wonder what's become of her. The Deax. My dear Mardon, I am of course heartily pleased to revive in this way our old acquaintance. 1 wish it were in my power to offer you the hospitality of the Deanery — but Sir Tristram. Don't name it. My horse and I are over the way at " The Swan." Come and look at Dandy Dick ! The Deax. Mardon, you don't understand. My position in St. Marvells Sir Tristram. Oh, I see, Jedd. I beg your pardon. You mean that the colors you ride in don't show up well on the hill yonaer or in the stable of the " Swan" Inn. 46 DANDY DICK. The Dean. You must remember Sir Tristram. I remember that in your young days you made the heaviest book on the Derby of any of our fellows. The Dean. I always lost, Mardon ; indeed, I always lost ! Sir Tristram. I remember that you once matched a mare of your own against another of Lord Reckslade's for fifty pounds ! The Dean. Yes, but she wasn't in it, Mardon — I mean she was dreadfully beaten. Sir Tristram. [Shaking his head sorrow fully."] Oh Jedd, Jedd — other times, other manners. Good-bye, old boy. The Dean. You're not — you're not offended, Mardon ? Sir TaiSTRAM. [Taking The Dean's hand,'] Offended! No- only sorry, Dean, damned sorry, to see a promising lad come to an end like this. [Georgia na enters with Salome on, one side of her and Sheba on the other — all three laughing and chatting, apparently the best of friends.] By Jove ! No ! what — Tidd ? Georgiana. Hullo, Mardon ! [ They shake hands warmly. IfANDY BlClu Sir Tristram. Of all places in the world, to find " Mr. Tidd ! " [Roaring with laughter.'] Ho ! ho ! ho ! Georgiana. [Laughing.~\ Ha ! ha ! Sir Tristram. Why, Dean, you've been chaffing me, have you ? The Dean. No! Sir Tristram. Yes, you have — you've been roasting your old friend ! The Dean. [ With dignity.] Mardon ! Sir Tristram. Tidd is a pal of yours, eh ? Ho ! ho ! Georgiana. Ha! ha! The Dean. Sir Tristram Mardon, Mrs. Tidman is my sister. Sir Tristram. Your sister ? Georgiana. Yes, I've been running a bit dark, Mardon, but that stout, well-seasoned animal over there and this skittish creature come of the same stock and were foaled in the same stable. [Pointing to Salome and Sheba.] There are a couple of yearlings here, you don't know. My nieces — Salome and Sheba. 48 DANDY DICK. Sir Tristram. \_jBowing.~\ How do you do? [Heartily taking Georgi ana's Acme? again.] Well, I don't care whose sister you are, but I'm jolly glad to see you, George, my boy. Georgiana. Gracious, Tris, don't squeeze my hand so ! The Dean. \_Tn horror.'] Salome, Sheba, children! I must speak to you. Excuse me, Mardon. [ To himself.] Oh, what shall I do with my widowed sister ? [77c goes into the garden. Sheba. [To Salome.] That's like pa, just as Ave were getting interested. Salome. We'll come back in a minute. \_They go out by the window. Sir Tristram. Lord! How odd! You know your brother and I were at Oxford together, George ? Georgiana. Were you, Tris ! Then are you putting up here ? Sir Tristram. He won't have me. Georgiana. Won't have you ! Sir Tristram. Because I'm down here racing. You see, he's a Dean. DANDY DICK. 49 Georgiana. Is he? Well, then, you just lay a thousand sovereigns to a gooseberry that in this house I'm a Dean, too ! Sir Tristram. I suppose he's thinking of the Canons — and the Bishop — and those chaps. Georgian a. Lord bless your heart, they're all right when you cheer them up a bit! If I'm here till the autumn meeting you'll find me lunching on the hill, with the Canons marking my card and the dear old Bishop mixing the salad. So say the word, Tris — I'll make it all right with Augustin. Sir Tristram. No, thanks, old fellow. The fact is I'm fixed at the " Swan" with — what do you think, George? — with Dandy Dick. Georgiana. Oh ! my old Dandy ! Sir Tristram, I brought him down with me in lavender. You know he runs for the Durnstone Handicap to-mor- row. Georgiana. Know ! There's precious little that horse does that I don't know, and what I don't know I dream. Is he fit? Sir Tristram. As a fiddle — shines like a mirror — not an ounce too much or too little. He'll romp in ! 4 50 DANDY DICK. Georgia x a. He'll dance in ! Tris Marclon ! Eh? Sir Tristram. Georgiaxa. [Mysteriously.'] Tris, Dandy Dick doesn't belong to yon — not all of him. Sir Tristram. No — I've only a half share. At your sale he was knocked down to John Fielder the trainer. The other half belongs to John. Georgiaxa. No, it doesn't, it belongs to me! Sir Tristram. George ! Georgiaxa. Yes, directly I saw Dandy Dick marched out be- fore the auctioneer I asked John Fielder to help me, and he did, like a Briton. For I can't live without horseflesh, if it's only a piece of cat's meat on a skewer. But when I condescended to keep company with the Canons and the Bishop here I promised Augustin that I wouldn't own anything on four legs, so John sold you half of Dick, and I can swear I don't own a horse — and I don't — not a whole one. But half a horse is better than no bread, Tris — and we're partners. Sir Tristram. [Roaring with laughter, .] Ho ! ho ! ha ! ha ! ha! Georgiaxa. What are you laughing at, man ? DANDY DICK. 51 Sir Tristram. Oh, the Dean ! the Dean ! Salome and Sheba enter imperceived. Sir Tristram. [Still laughing.'] I — ho ! ho! — I beg your pardon, George — ha ! ha ! Well, now you know he's fit, of course, you're going to back Dandy Dick for the Durn stone Handicap. Georgiana. Back him ! For every penny I've got in the world. That isn't much, but if I'm not a richer woman by a thousand pounds to-morrow night I shall have had a bad day. Salome. Oh, Sheba ! [ The girls come toicards the Library. Georgiana. [Discovering them.] Hush ! [ To the girls.] Hallo ! Sheba. It's only us, Aunt. [ The girls go into the Library. Sir Tristram. I'll be off. Georgiana. Keep your eye on the old horse, Tristram. Sir Tristram. Don't fear. Good-morning, George ! 52 DANDY DICK. Georgian a. Good-morning, partner! [Sir Tristram bursts out laughing again, she joining in the laughter.'] Oh, do be quiet ! Sir Tristram. Ho ! ho ! ho ! Ha ! ha ! Oh, say good-bye for me to the Dean! [She gives him a push and he goes out. Sheba and Salome immediately re-enter from the Library. Sheba. Aunt — dear Aunt Georgiana. Well, girls? Sheba. Aunt — Salome has something to say to you. Salome. No, it's Sheba. Gecrgiana. Why, you're shivering all over. [ Catching hold of Sheba.] Hallo, little 'un ! Sheba. Aunt — dear Aunt Georgiana — we heard you say something about a thousand pounds. Georgiana. You've been listening ? Sheba. No — we only merely heard. And, oh, Aunt, a thousand pounds is such a lot, and we poor girls want such a little. DAN BY DICK. 53 Georgiana. Money ? Sheba. Yes. Salome has rather got into debt. Georgiana. My gracious ! Salome. I haven't, any more than you have, Sheba. Sheba. Well, I'm in debt too, but I only meant to beg for Salome; but now I ask for both of us. Oh, Aunt Tidman, papa has told us that you have known troubles. Georgiana. So I have — heaps of them. Sheba. Oh, I'm so glad. Because Salome and I are weary fragments too — we're everything awful but chastened widows. We owe forty pounds unknown to Pa! Salome. Forty pounds, nineteen. Georgiana. Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves, you girls ! Sheba. We are I Salome. We are I 54 DANDY DICK. Georgiana. To cry and go on like this about forty pounds ! Sheba. But we've only got fifteen and threepence of our own in the world! And, oh, Aunt, you know some- thing about the Races, don't you ? Georgiana. Eh? Sheba. If you do, help two poor creatures to win forty pounds, nineteen. Aunt Georgiana, what's " Dandy Dick " you were talking to that gentleman about ? Georgiana. Child ! Dandy Dick's a horse. We thought so. some money. No, no ! I won' Sheba. Then let Dandy Georgiana. t hear of it ! Dick win us Oh, do, do I Oh, do, do, do ! Sheba. Salome. Georgiana. Go away — I won't. I say decidedly, I will not! Sheba. Oh, do, do ! DANDY DICK. 55 Salome. Do ! Do, and we'll love you for ever and ever, Aunt Georgiana. Georgiana. You will ! [ She embraces them heartily. ~\ Bless your little innocent faces! Do you want to win forty pounds ? Salome and Sheba. Yes, yes ! Georgiana. Do you want to win fifty pounds? Sheba and Salome. Oh, yes, yes ! Georgiana. [Taking her betting book from her pocket. ~] Very well, then, put your very petticoats on Dandy Dick ! [ The girls stand clutching their skirts, frightened. Salome. Oh! Sheba. Oh 1 end op the first act. 56" DANDY DICK. THE SECOND ACT. The morning-room at the Deanery, with the fire and, the lamps lighted. It is after dinner. Sheba is playing the piano, Salome lolling upon the settee, and Georgian a pouring out tea. They are in em ning dress. Georgiana. Sugar, Sally ? I call you Sally, Salome — the evening's too short for your name. Salome. All right, Aunt George — two lumps, please. Georgiana. [To Sheba.] Little 'un? Sheba. Two lumps and one in the saucer, to eat. Georgiana. Quite a relief to shake off the gentlemen, isn't it? Salome. Do you think so, Aunt? Sheba. Oh, /don't think so. DANDY DICK. 57 Georgian a. H'm ! Now I understand why my foot was al- ways in the way under the dinner-table. [She holds out two cups, which the girls take from her. Salome. I thought the dinner was an overwhelming suc- cess. Sheba. All our dinners are at the Deanery. Georgiana. Awfully jolly. Mutton was overdone. Salome. That's our new cook's one failing. Georgiana. But the potatoes weren't — they rattled. Sheba. Cook never can manage potatoes. Georgiaista. What was wrong with the custards ? Salome. Well, it was Cook's first attempt at custards. Georgiana. However, they served one useful end. Now we know the chimney wants sweeping. Salome. But it was a frightfully jolly dinner — take it all round. 58 DANDY DICK. Sheba. Yes, take it all round. One has to take things all round. Georgiaxa. What made us all so sad and silent — taking us all round ? Sheba. Dear Papa was as lively as an owl with neuralgia. Georgiaxa. Major Tarver isn't a conversational cracker. Salome. Gerald Tarver has no liver — to speak of. Georgiaxa. He might have spoken ahout his lungs or some- thing, to cheer us up. Sheba. I fancy Mr. Darbey was ahout to make a witty remark once. Georgiaxa. Yes, and then the servant handed him a dish and he shied at it. So we lost that. Salome. Still, we ought to congratulate ourselves upon a — upon a Sheba. Upon a — upon a Georgiaxa. Upon a frightfully jolly dinner. [Taking her bet- ting book from her pocket. ~\ Excuse me, girls. I've BANDY DICK. 59 some figures to work out. If Dandy Dick hasn't fed better at the " Swan " than we have at the Dean- ery, he won't be in the first three. [Reckoning. ~\ Let me see. Salome. [ To Sheba.] All's settled, Sheba, isn't it ? Sheba. [ To Salome.] Yes — everything. Directly the house is silent we let ourselves out at the front door. Salome. How do we get in again ? Sheba. By this window. It has a patent safety fastening, so it can be opened with a hairpin. Salome. We're courageous girls, aren't we? Sheba. Yes, I don't consider we're ordinary young ladies, at all. Salome. If we had known Aunt a little longer we might have confided in her and taken her with us. Sheba. Poor Aunt — we mustn't spoil her. Dakbey. [Speaking outside.'] I venture to differ with you, my dear Dean. GO DANDY DICK. Georgian a. Here come the wax- works ! [She joins the girls as Darbey enters through the Library, patronizing The Dean, who accompanies him. Darbey. Haw ! I've just been putt ing the Dean right about a little army question, Mrs. — Mrs. I can't catch your name. Georgiana. Don't try — you'd come out in spots, like measles. [Darbey stands by her, blankly, then attempts a conversation. The Dean. \_To Salome and Sheba.] Children, it is useless to battle against it much longer. Salome. Against what, Papa '. J The Dean. A feeling of positive distaste for Mr. Darbey. Sheba. Oh, Papsey — think what Wellington was at his age. Major Tarver enters, pale and //aygard. Salome meets him. Salome. Major! Tarver, [ With a gasp.~\ Oh ! DANDY DICK. 61 Salome. Not well again ? Tarver. Indigestion. I'm always like this after dinner. Salome. But what would you do if the trumpet summoned you to battle ? Tarver: Oh, I suppose T should pack up a few charcoal biscuits and toddle oat, you know. Georgiana. [ To Darbey.] I've never studied the Army Guide. Darbey. You're thinking of Georgian a. The Turf Guide — beg pardon. I mean, the Army keeps a string of trained nurses, doesn't it ? Darbey. There are Army nurses. Georgian a. Certainly. I was wondering whether your Colonel will send one with a perambulator to fetch you at about half-past eight. [She leaves Darbey and goes to The Dean. Sheba joins Darbey at the piano. Georgiana. Well, Gus, my boy, you seem out of condition. 62 DANDY DICK. The Dean. I'm rather anxious for the post to bring to-day's " Times." You know I've offered a thousand pounds to our Restoration Fund. Georgian a. What ! The Deax. Hush— I'll tell you. [They talk in undertones. Blore enters to remove the tea-tret/. Tarter. [Jumping up excitedly — to Salome.] Eh? Oh, certainly — delighted! [Singing to him self. ~] "Come into the garden, Maud, for the black bat " Salome. Now you're yourself again. Tar veil I'm always dreadfully excited when I'm asked to sing. It's as good as a carbonate of soda lozenge to me to be asked to sing. [ To Blore.] My music is in my overcoat pocket. [Blore crosses to the door. Siieba. And Mr. Darbey has brought his violin. Tarver. [In a rage, glaring at Darbey.] Hah ! There now ! Darbey. [To Blore.] You'll find it in the hall. [Blore goes out. The Dean dozes in a, chair. Salome and Siieba talk to Georgiana at the table, DANDY DICK. <):{ Tarver. [ To himself.'] lie always presumes with his con- founded fiddle when I'm going to entertain, lie knows that his fiddle's never hoarse and that I am, sometimes. Darbey. [To himself.'] Tarver always tries to cut me out with his elderly Chest C. Pie ought to put it on the Retired List. Tarver. I'll sing him off his legs to-night — I'm in lovely voice. [He walks into the Library and is heard trying his voice, singing " Come into the garden, Maud" Darbey. [ To himself.] He needn't bother himself. While he was dozing in the carriage I threw his music out of the window. Tarver re-enters triumphantly. Blore re-enters, carrying a violin-case and a leather music roll. Darbey takes the violin-case, opens it, and produces his violin and music. Blore hands the music roll to Tarver and goes out. Tarver. [To Salome, trembling with excitement.] My tones are like a beautiful bell this evening. I'm so glad, for all our sakes. [As he takes the leather music roll from Blore.] Thank you, that's it. Salome. What will you begin with ? 64 DANDY DICK. Tarver. " Come into the garden, Maud." Fve begun with "Come into the garden, Maud" for years and years. \_lle opens the music roll — it is erupt;/.'] Oh! Miss Jedd, I've forgotten my music! Salome and Sheba. Oh ! Major Tarver ! [Tarver with a groan of despair sinks on to the settee. Sheba. Never mind — Mr. Darbey will play. D ABBEY. [Tuning his violin.] Will you accompany me? Sheba. [Raisin nters carrying a tray, on which are a small flour-barrel and rolling-pin, a white china basin, a carafe of water, « napkin^ and the hook. The Dean recoils, thru guiltily takes the tray from Blore and puts it on the table.] Thank you. Blore. [Holding on to the window curtain and watching The Dean.] His eyes is awful ; I don't seem to know the 'appy Deanery when I see such proceedings a'goin' on at the dead of night. [There is a heart/ roll of thunder — The Deax mixes a pudding and, stirs it with the rolling-pin. DANDY DICK. 89 The Dean. The old half- forgotten time returns to me. I am once again a promising youth at college. Bloee. [ To himself.] One would think by his looks that he was goin' to poison his family instead of — Poison ! Poison ! Oh, if hanything serious 'appened to the hanimal in our stable there would be nothing in the way of Bonny-Betsy, the deservin' 'orse I've trusted with my 'ard -earned savings ! The Deax. I am walking once again in the old streets at Oxford, avoiding the shops where I owe my youthful bills. Bills ! [^ITe pounds away vigorously with tlie rolling -pin. Bloee. [ To himself. ~] Where's the stuff I got a month ago to destroy the hold black retriever that fell hill ? The Deax. Bills ! Bloee. The dog died — the poison's in my pantry — it couldn't have got used for cooking purposes. The Dean. I see the broad meadows and the tall Spire of the college — the Spire ! Oh, my whole life seems made up of Bills and Spires i Bloee. [ To himself.'] I'll do it ! I'll do it ! [ Unseen by The Deax he quickly and quietly steals out by the door. 90 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Where are the drugs — the drugs ? [Opening the medicine chest and bending down oner the bottles he pours some drops from a bottle into the basing [Counting.'] Three — four — five — six. [lie replaces the bottle and takes another.] How fortunate some animals are ! [ Counting.'] One — two — three, four. It's done ! [Taking up the medicine chest he goes with it into the Library. As he disappears Blore re-enters stealthily fingering a small paper packet. Bloke. [In a ichisper.] Strychnine ! [ There is a heavy roll of thunder — Blore darts to the table, empties the con- tents of the packet into the basin, and stirs vigorously with the rolling-pin.] I've cooked Dandy Dick! I've cooked Dandy Dick ! [He moves front the table in horror.] Oh! I'm only a hamatoor sportsman and I can't afford a uncertainty. [As The Dean returns, Blore starts up guiltily.] Can I help you any more, Sir? The Dea\. No, remove these dreadful things, and don't let me see you again to-night ! [Sits with the basin on his knees, and pro- ceeds to roll the paste. Blore. [Removing the tray.] It's only an 'orse — it's only an 'orse ! But after to-morrow I'll retire from the Turf, if only to reclaim 'im. [He goes out. DANDY DICK. 91 The Dean. [Putting on his coat.'] I don't contemplate my hu- mane task with resignation. The stable is small, and if the animal is restive we shall be cramped for room. [ lite rain is heard.] I shall get a chill too. [/Seeing Sir Tristram's coat and cap lying upon the settee.] I am sure Mardon will lend me this gladly. [Putting on the coat, which completely envelops him.] The animal may recognize the garment, and receive me with kindly feeling. [Putting on the sealskin cap, which almost conceals his face.] ITgh ! why do I feel this dreadful sinking at the heart ? [ Taking the basin and turning out the lamp?] Oh ! if all followers of the veterinary science are as truly wretched as I am, what a noble band they must be ! [ The thunder rolls as he goes through the window curtains. Sir Tristram, then enters quietly, smoking, and carrying a lighted candle. Sir Tristram. All right; fire still burning. [Plowing out the candle.] I shall doze here till daybreak. What a night ! I never thought there was so much thunder in these small country places. [Georgiana, looking pale and agitated, and wearing a dressing-gown, enters quickly, carrying an umbrella and a lighted candle. Georgiana. Which is the nearer way to the stable? I must satisfy myself — I must — I must! [Going to the door.] Sir Tristram. [Pising suddenly.] Hullo ! 92 BANDY DICK. Georgian a. [/Shrieks with fright.'] Ah! Sir Tristram. Hush! Georgian a. [Holding out her umbrella.'] Stand where you are or I'll lire ! [Recognizing Sir Tristram.] Tris ! Sir Tristram. Why, George ! Georgiana. Oh, Tris, I've been dreaming! {Falling helplessly against Sie Tristram, who deposits her in a chair.] Oh! oh! oh! Don't look at me ! I'm overtrained. I shall be on my legs again in a minute. [She opens her umbrella and hides herself behind it,sobbing violently. Sir Tristram. [Standing over the umbrella in (/rent concern.] My goodness! George, whatever shall I do? Shall I trot you up and down outside ? Georgia n.\. Be quiet! [Sobbing.] What are you fooling about here for ? Why can't you lie quietly in your cot ? Sir Tristram. Confound that cot ! Why, it wouldn't hold my photograph. Where are you going ? Georgiana. Into the stable to sit with Dandy. The thunder's awful in my room ; when it gets tired it seems to sit DANDY DICK. 93 down on my particular bit of roof. I did doze once, and then I had a frightful dream. I dreamt that Dandy had sold himself to a circus, and that they were hooting him because he had lost his tail. There's an omen ! Sir Tristram. Don't, don't — be a man, George, be a man ! Georgiana. [■Shuffling her umbrella. ~\ I know I'm dreadfully effeminate. There — Tidd's himself again ! Sir Tristram. Bravo ! Georgian a. Ah, Tris — don't think me soft, old man. I'm a lonely, unlucky woman, and the tail end of this horse is all that's left me in the world to love and to cling to! Sir Tristram. No, by Jove ! I'm not such a mean cur as that ! Swop halves and take his head, George, my boy. Georgiana. Not I ! I'm like a doating mother to my share of Dandy, and it's all the dearer because it's an invalid. I'm off. Sir Tristram. Come along ! [ Turning towards the window, she following him, he suddenly stops and looks at her, and seizes her > hand. .] George, I never guessed that you were so tender-hearted. Georgiana. Well, I'm not. 94 DANDY DICK. Sir Tristram. And you've robbed me to-night of an old friend — a pal. Georgiana. I — what d'ye mean ? Sir Tristram. I mean that I seem to have dropped the acquaint- ance of George Tidd, Esquire, forever. Georgiana. Tris — no. Sir Tristram. I have — but I've got an introduction to his twin- sister, Georgiana ! Georgiana. [Snatching her hand away angrily, .] Stay where you are; I'll nurse my half alone. [/She goes to- wards the window, then starts back.] Hush! Sir Tristram. What's the matter ? Georgiana. Didn't you hear something ? Sir Tristram. Where ? Georgiana. [Pointing to the window.] There. Sir TrjsnaM. [Peeping through the curtains. [You're right. Some people moving about the garden. DANDY DICK. % Georgiana. Tris! The horse! Sir Tristram. They're not near the stables. They're coming in here. Hush ! We'll clear out and watch ! [Sir Tristram takes the candlestick and they go out, leaving the room in darkness. The curtains at the windovj are pushed aside, and Salome and Sheba enter ; both in their fancy dresses. Salome. \_ln a raqe,lighting the candles on the mantelpiece^ Oh! oh! oh! Sheba. Oh! oh! No ball after all ! Salome. If we only had a brother to avenge us ! Sheba. I shall try and borrow a brother to-morrow ! Salome. Cold, wretched, splashed, hi debt — for nothing ! Sheba. To think that we've had all the inconvenience of being wicked and rebellious and have only half done it! Salome. This comes of stooping to the Military ! Sheba. It serves us right — we've been trained for clergy- men's wives. I hate Nugent Darbey. I hope he may grow bald early ! 96 DANDY DICK. Salome. Gerald Tarver's nose is inclined to pink — may it deepen and deepen till it frightens cows ! [ Voices are heard from the curtained window recess. Darbey. [Outside.] Miss Jedd — Sheba! Tarver. [ Outside.'] Pray hear tAVO wretched men ! Miss Jedd ! Salome. \_I71 a whisper.] There they are. Sheba. Shall we grant them a dignified interview ? Salome. Yes. Curl your lip, Sheba. Sheba. You curl your lip better than I — I'll dilate my nostrils. [Salome drawsaside thecurtain. Tarver and Darbey enter. They are both very badly and shabbily dressed as < 'avaliers. Tarver. [A most miserable object, carrying a carriage umbrella.] Oh, don't reproach us, Miss Jedd. It isn't our fault that the Military were summoned to St. Mar veils. Darbey. You don't blame officers and gentlemen for responding to the sacred call of duty ? DANDY DICK. 97 Sheba. We blame officers for subjecting two motherless girls to the shock of alighting at the Durnstone Athenaeum to find a notice on the front door : " Ball knocked on the head — Vivat Regina." Salome. We blame gentlemen for inflicting upon us the unspeakable agony of being jeered at by boys. Tarver. I took the address of the boy who suggested that we should call again on the fifth of November. It is on the back of your admission card. Darbey. Everything will be done. We shall both wait on the boy's mother for an explanation. Tarver. Oh, smile on us once again, Miss Jedd — a forced, hollow smile, if you will — only smile. Salome ! Georgian a enters. Georgian a. Salome ! Sheba ! Salome and Sheba. Aunt! Georgiana. You bad girls ! Salome. [ Weeping.] No, Aunt, No ! Sheba. Not bad, Aunt — trustful and confiding. 7 08 DANDY DICX. Georgian a. [Advancing to Tarver.] How dare you encourage these two simple children to enjoy themselves! How dare you take them out — without their Aunt ! Do you think J can't keep a thing quiet ? Sheba. They didn't even ask Papa's permission ! Salome. Poor Papa ! Sheba. Poor, dear Papa ! Georgiana. [Shaking Tarver.] I'm speaking to you — Field- Marshal. Tarver. Madam, you are addressing an invalid. Darbey. We shall be happy to receive your representative in the morning. At present we are on duty. Tarver. On heavy duty. Darbey. Guarding the ruins of the " Swan " Inn. You mustn't distract our attention. Georgiana. Guarding the ruins of the " Swan," are you ? [ Calling.'] Tris ! Sir Tristram ! [Sir Tristram appears.] Tris, I'm a feeble woman, but I hope I've a keen sense of right and wrong. Run these out- DAN BY DICK. siders into the road, and let them guard their own ruins. [Salome and Sheba shriek, and throw them- selves at the feet of Tarver and Dar- bey, clinging to then' legs. Salome. No, no. Spare him ( Sheba. Yqu rof their heads. [Sir Tristram twists Tarver' s wig round so that it covers his face. TJt.e gate bell is heard ringing violently. Georgiana, Salome, and Sheba. What's that? Salome. It will wake Papa ! Sheba. Stop the bell! [Georgiana runs to the door and opens it. Salome. [To Tarver and Darbey.] Fh T ! [Tarver and Darbey disappear through the curtains at the window. Sheba. [Falling into Salome's ar7ns.~] We have saved them ! Georgiaxa. Oh, Tris, your man from the stable ! 100 1) Ay 1)1' Dh /v. Sir Tristram. Hatcham ! Georgiana. [Calling."] Hatcham! [Hatcham, carrying the basin with the bolus, runs in breathlessly — -followed by Bloke. Hatcham. Oh, Sir Tristram! Georgiana and Sik Tristram. What is it ? Hatcham. The villain that set ore to the "Swan," sir — in the hact of administering a dose to the 'orsel Georgiana. Nobbling our Dandy ? Sik Tristram. Where is the scoundrel ? Hatcham. Topping the constable's collared him, Sir — he's taken him in a cart to thelock-up! Georgiana and Sir Tristram. Oh! Blore. \_In agony.] They've got the Dean! END OV 111 1 : SECOND ACT. DANDY DICK. 101 THE THIRD ACT. The first scene is the interior of a country Police Station, a quaint old room with piaster walls, oaken beams, and a gothic mulUoned window looking on to the street. A massive door, with a small sliding trident ami an iron grating, opens to, a prisoner's cell. The room is partly furn ished as a kitchen, partly as a police station, a copy of the Police Regulations and other official docu- ments and implements hanging on the wall. It is the morning after the events of the previous act. Hawaii, a, buxom, fresh-looking young icbman, in a print gown, has been engaged in cooking while singing gayly. II A XX A II. [Opening a door and calling villi a slight dialect.] Noah darling! Noah. [From another room — in a rough, country coice.~\ Yaas ! Haxxaii. You'll have your dinner before you drive your prisoner over to Durnstone, won't ye, darling? Noah. Yaas ! 102 DANDY DICK. Hannah. [ Closing the door.] Yaas ! Noah's in a nice temper to-day over sumraat. All well, I suppose all public characters is liable to irritation. [ Them is a knock at the outer door. Hannah opening it, sees Bloke with a troubled look on his face.] Well I never! Mr. Blore from the Deanery ! Comein! You might knock me down with a ! Blore. [Entering and shaking hands mournfully, ,] How do you do, Mrs. Topping? Hannah. And how is the dear Dean, bless him ; the sweet- est soul iii the world ? Blore. \_To himself.'] Good gracious! She doesn't know of hour misfortune. [ To Hannah.] I — I 'aven'tseen him this morning ! Hannah. Well, this is real kind of you, calling on an old friend, Edward. When I think that 1 were cook at the Deanery seven years, and thai since I left you, to get wedded, not a soul of you has been nigh me, it do seem hard. Blore. Well, you see, 'Annah, the kitchen took humbrage at your marryin' a policeman at Durnstone. It was regarded as a messyliance. Hannah. Well, now Mr. Topping's got the appointment of Head Constable at St. Marvells, what's that regarded as? \ BANDY DWK. 103 Bloke. A rise on the scales, 'Annah, a decided rise — but still you've honly been a week in St, Marvells and you've got to fight your way hup. Hannah* I think I'm as hup as ever I'm like to be. Bloke. 'Owever, Jane and Sarah and Willis the stable boy 'ave hunbent so far as to hask me to leave their cards, knowin' I was a callin'. [He produces from an old leather />< book three very dirty pieces of paste- board, which he gives to Hannah. Hannah. [Taking them in Iter apron with pride.~\ Thank 'em kindly. When's their evening ? Bloke. We receive on Toosdays, at the side gate. And 'ow are you, my dear ? [Kissing her cheek. Hannah. Don't, Edward Blore ! Bloke. Don't ! When you was Miss Hevans there wasn't these social barriers, 'Annah ! Hannah. Shut up ! Noah's jealous of the very apron- strings what go round my waist. I'm not so free and 'ancly with my kisses now, I can tell you. Bloke. Then " what is friendship but a name ! " But Mr. Topping isn't indoors now, surely ! 104 DANDY DICK. Hannah* [Nodding her head.'] Um — uin ! Blore. Why, he took a man up last night ! Hannah. What of it ? Blore. Why, T thought that when hany harrest was made in St. Marvells, the prisoner was lodged here honly for the night and that the 'ead Constable 'ad to drive 'im over to Durnstone Police Station the first tiling in the morning. Hannah. That's the rule, but Noah's behindhand to-day, and ain't going into Durnstone till after dinner. Bloke. Then the prisoner is now hon the premises ! Hannah. Yes, he's in our cell. Blore. Ah ! And where is the hapartment in question ? Hannah. The cell ? That's it ! Blore. [Looking round in horror.] Oh! Hannah. The " Strong-box" they call it in St. Marvells. Blore. Oh, my goodness, honly fancy ! [ Whimpering to DANDY DICK. 105 himself. ~\ And 'im accustomed to his shavin' water at h'eight and my kindly hand to button his gaiters. Oh, here's a warnin' ! Hannah. Whatever is the matter with you, Edward ? Blore. 'Annah, 'Aim ah, my dear, it's this very prisoner what I 'ave called on you respectin 1 . Hannah. Oh, then the honor ain't a compliment to me, after all, Mr. Blore ? Bloke. I'm killing two birds with one stone, my dear. Hannah. [Throwing the cards into Blore's hat.'] You can take them back to the Deanery with Mrs. Topping's comps. Blore. [Shaking the cards out of his hat and replacing them in his pocket-book. ~\ I will leave them hon you again to-morrow, 'Annah. But, 'Annah deary, do you know that this hun fortunate man was took in our stables last night. Hannah. No, I never ask Noah nothing about Queen's business. He don't want two women over him ! Blore. Then you 'aven't seen the miserable culprit ? Hannah. Lor' no. I was in bed hours when Noah brought DANDY DICK. 'iin 'ome. I take no interest in it all. They tell us ;ery we'll in Sr. Marv t't never murder in a .': into the oven. Blore. But, 'Annah, suppose this c ise you've got 'old of now is a Moils basis! Suppose it means column ping's nan it 'old its own Hannah. Hullo! You know something about this arrest, you do ! Blore. No, no, I don't ! I merely said suppose. 1 merely wish to encourage you, 'A o implant an "ope that crime m, led life. Hannah. [Sitting at the tabl ',ng to an official hook.'] The man was found trespassing in the Dean- ery Stables with intent — refuses to give his name or any account of 'iss Blore. [To himself.] If I could honly find hout whether Dandy Dick had any of the medicine it would so guide me at the Races. What am I to do? It doesn't appear that the 'orse in the stables — toolj: it, does it? BANDY DICK. 107 Ha xx ah. [Looking up sharply.] Took what? Blc Er- look fright. You're sure there's no confes- sion of any sort, 'Annah dear? [A.8 he i iff over Haxxah, Noah Top- s a dense-looking ugly countrynu red hair, a brist- ling beard, and a vindictive leer. He is dressed in ill-fitting clothes, as a rural Police Constable. Noah. [Fiercely.] 'Annah ! Haxxah. [Starting and replacing the book.] Oh don't! This is Mr. Blore from the Deanery come to see us — an old friend o' mine! [Blore advances to Noah with a nervous smile, extending his hand. Noah. [Taking Blore's hand and holding it firmly.'] A friend of hern is a friend o' mian ! Blore. I 'ope so, Mr. Topping. I thank you. Noah. She's gettiu' me a lot o' nice noo friends this week, since we coom to St. Marvells. Blore. Of course, dear 'Annah was a lovin' favorite with heverybody. 108 DANDY DICK. Noah. Ay. Well then, as her friends be mian, I'm takin' the Liberty, one by one, of gradually droppin' on 'em all ! Blore. [Getting his hand away.] Dear me! Noah. id if I catch any old fly a buzzin' round my lady ril venture to break his 'ead in wi' my staff! Hannah. Oh, Noah ! Blore. [Preparing to depart."] I — I merely called to know if hanything had been found hout about the ruffian took in our stables last night ! Noah. Is that your business ? Blore. It — it's my master's business. Noah. He's the De-an, ain't he? Hannah. Yes, Noah, of course. Noah. [Fiercely.'] Shut oop, darlin'. Very well, then — give Mr. Topping's respects to the Dean, and say I'll run up to the Deanery and see him after I've took my man over to Durnstone. DANDY DICK. 109 Bloke. Thank you — I 'ope the Dean will be at 'ome. Good-day, 'Annah! Good-day, Mr. Topping! [Offering his hand, into which Noah sig- nificantly places his truncheon. Bloke goes out quickly. Hannah. [ Whimpering.] Oh, Noah, Noah, T don't believe as we shall ever get a large circle of friends round us ! No A II. Now then ! [/Selecting a pair of handcuffs and ex- amining them critically.'] Them'll do. [flipping them into his pocket, and turning upon Hannah suddenly.'] 'Annah ! Hannah. Yes, Noahry Noah. Brighten oop, my darlin', the little time you 'ave me at 'ome with you. Hannah. Yes, Noahry. [She bustles about and begins to lay the cloth, Noah. I'm just a' goin' round to the stable to put old Nick in the cart. Hannah. Oh, dont'ee trust to Nick, Noah dear — he's such a vicious brute. Kitty's safer in the cart. Noah. Shut oop, darlin'. Nick can take me on to the edge o' the hill in half the time. 110 DANDY DICK. Hannah. The hill ! Noah. Ah, what d'ye think I've put off taking my man to Durnstone to now for '? Why, I'm a goin' to get a glimpse of the racin', on my way over. | Opening the wicket in the ceU door and looking in."] There he is! Sulky! [To Ha Elopen the hoven door, 'Annali, and let the smell of thecookin' get into him. Hannah. ()h, no, Noah — it's torture ! Noah. Do as I tell'ee. [ She opens the ovt n door.] Torture ! Of course it's torture ! That's my rule ! When- ever I get a 'old of a darned obstinate creature wot won't reveal his hindentity I hopens the hoven door [He goes out into the street, and as he de- parts^ the woful face of The Dean appearsat the wicket, his head being still enveloped in the fur cap. Hannah. [Shutting the oven door.~\ Not me! Torturing prisoners might a' done for them Middling Ages what Noah's always clattering about, butaotformy o' life. I'll shut, that wicket. [Crossing dose to oicfo t, her face almost comes against The Dean's. She gives a cry.] The Dean ! The Dean. Oh ! [lie disappears. Hannah. Oh, no ! Not my old master ! Never the master ! [ Tottering to the wicket and looking in.] Master ! DANDY DICK. Ill Look at me ! It's ' Annnh, your poor faithful servant, 'Annah ! [The face of The Dean r< -appears. The Dean. [I?i a deep sad voice.'] Hannah Evans. Hannah. It's 'Annah Topping, Knee Evans, wife o' the Con- stable what's goin' to take you to cruel Durnstone. [/Sinking weeping upon the ground at the door.'] Oh, 5lr. Dean, Sir, what have you been up to ? What have you been up to? What have you been up to ? The Dean. Woman, I am the victim of a misfortune only partially merited. Hannah. [On her knees, clasping her hands.! Tell me what you've done, Master dear ; give it a name, for the love of goodness The Deax. My poor Hannah, I fear I have placed myself in an equivocal position. II A XX AH. [ With a shriek of despair.'] Ah ! The Deax. Be quiet, woman ! Hannah. Is it a change o' cooking that's brought you to such ways ? I cooked for you for seven 'appy years ! The Dean. [Sniffing.] Alas ! you seem to have lost none of your culinary skill. 112 DANDY DICK. Hannah. Master, are you hungry ? The Dean. I am sorely tried by your domestic preparations. IIaxxaii. [ With clenched hands and a determined look."] Oh! [Quickly locking and bolting the street door.] Noah can't put that brute of a horse to under ten minutes. The dupplikit key o' the Strong Box! [Producing a large keg, with which she unlocks the celldoor.] Master, yoti'll give me your patrol not to cut, won't you? The Dean. Under any other circumstances, Hannah, I should resent that insinuation. IIaxxaii. Don't resent nothing-! Shove! Shove your hardest, Dean dear ! [Pulling the door, ichichopens tig to Jet oat Tun Dean. Tin: Dean. [As he enters the room.'] Good-day, Hannah; you have bettered yourself, 1 hope ? Hannah. [Hysterically flinging herst If upon The Dean.] Oh, Master, Master ! The Dean. [Putting her from him sternly.'] Hannah! Mrs. Topping ! IIaxxaii. Oh, I know, I know, but crime levels all, dear sir ! DANDY DICK, 113 The Dean. You appear to misapprehend the precise degree of criminality which attaches to me, Mrs. Topping. In the eyes of that majestic, hot imperfect instrument, the law, I am an innocent if not an injured man. Haxxah. Ah, stick to that, sir ! Stick to it, if you think it's likely to serve your wicked ends ! [Placing bread with other things on the table. The Deax. My good woman, a single word from me to those at the Deanery, would instantly restore me to home, family, and accustomed diet. Haxxah. Ah, they all tell that tale what comes here. Why don't you send word, Dean clear ? The Deax. Because it would involve revelations of my tem- porary moral aberration ! Haxxah. [Putting her apron to her eyes with a howl.] Owh ! The Deax. Because T should return to the Deanery with my dignity — that priceless possession of man's middle age ! — with my dignity seriously impaired ! TIaxxah. Oh, don't, sir, don't ! The Deax. How could I face my simple children who have hitherto, not unreasonably, regarded me as faultless ? -How could I again walk erect in the streets of St. Ill DANDY DICK. Marvells with my i tiie Records of a Police Station of the vei y humblest description? [Sinking into a chair and ■■;/ up apiece of bread, which he begins munching. IIaxxaii. [ Wiping her eyes.~] Oh, sir, it's a treat to hear you, compared with the hordinary criminal class. But, master, dear, though my Noah don't recognize you — throng how'll you fare when yon get to Durnstone? The Dean. I have one great buoyant hope — that a word in the ear of the Durnstone Superintendent will send me forth an unquestioned man. You and he will be the . May its posses- sion be a lasting com- >u both. Hannah. Master, is what you've told me your only chance of getting off unknown '. J The Dean. It is the sole remaining chance of averting a calam- ity of almost national importance. IIaxxaii. Then you're as done as that joint in my oven ! The Dean. Woman ! Hannah. The Superintendent at Durnstone — John Ruggles — also the two Inspectors, Whitaker and Parker The Dean. Well ! DANDY DICK. 115 Hannah. Them and their wives and families are chapel folk ! The Dean. \_Aghast.~\ No ! Hannah. Yes. [The Dean totters across to a chair, into which he sinks with his head upon the table.'] Master ! Listen ! The Dean. It's all over ! It's all over ! Hannah. No, no — Listen ! I was well fed and kept seven years at the Deanery — I've been wed to Noah Top- ping eight weeks — that's six years and ten months' lovin' duty doo to you and yours before I owe nothing to my darling Noah. Master dear, you shan't be took to Durnstone ! The Dean. Silence ! Hannah Topping, formerly Evans, it is my duty to inform you that your reasoning does more credit to your heart than to your head. Hannah. I can't help that. The Devil's always in a woman's heart because it's the warmest place to get to ! [ Tal - ing a small key from the table drawer.'] Here, take that! [Pushing the Ire;/ into the pocket of his coat.] When you once get free from my darling Noah that key unlocks your handcuffs ! The Dean. Handcuffs ! 116 DANDY DICK. Hannah. How are you to get free, that's the question now, isn't it ? I'll tell you. My Noah drives you over to Durnstone with old Nick in the cart. The Dean. Old Nick ! Hannah. That's the horse. Now Nick was formerly in the Durnstone Fire Brigade, and when he 'ears the familiar signal of a double whistle you can't hold him in. There's the whistle. [ Putting it into The Dean's poclxet.~\ Directly you turn into Pear Tree Lane, blow once and you'll see Noah with his nose in the air, pullin' lit to wrench his 'ands off. Jump out — roll clear of the wheel — keep cool and 'opeful and blow again. Before you can get the mud out of your eyes Noah and the horse and cart will be well into Durn- stone, and may Providence restore a young 'usband safe to his doatin' wife! The Dean. Hannah! How dare you! [Recoiling horror- stricken, Hannah. [ Crying.~\ Oh — ooh — ooh ! The Dean. Is this the fruit of your seven years' constant cookery at the Deanery ? Hannah. Oh dear ! I wouldn't have done it, only this is your first offence ! The Dean. My first offence, oh ! DANDY DICK. 117 Hannah. You're not too old ; I want to give you another start in life! The Dean. Another start! Woman, do you think I've no conscience ? Do you think I don't realize the enor- mity of the — of the difficulties in alighting from a vehicle in rapid motion ? Hannah. [Opening the oven and taking out a small joint in a baking tin, which she places on the table.] It's 'unger what makes you feel conscientious ! The Dean. [ Waving her away.'] I have done with you ! Hannah. With me, sir — but not with the joint! You'll feel wickeder when you've had a little nourishment. \_IIe looks hungrily at the dish.'] That's right, Dean, dear — taste my darling Noah's favorite dish. The Dean. [Advancing towards the table.] Oh, Hannah Top- ping — Hannah Topping! [Clutching the carving- knife despair in gig.] I'll have no more women cooks at the Deanery ! This reads me a lesson. [Sitting and carving with desperation. Hannah. Don't stint yourself, sir. You can't blow that whistle on an empty frame. [The Dean begins to eat.] Don't my cooking carry you back, sir ? Oh, say it do ! 118 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Ah, if every mouthful would carry me back one little hour I would finish this joint ! [Noah Topping, unperceived by Hannah and The Dean, climbs in by the window, his eyes bolting with rage — he glares round the room, taking in everything at a glance. Noah. [ Under his breath.'] My man o' mystery — a waited on by my nooly made wife — a heating o' my favorite meal. [Touching Hannah on the arm, she turns and faces him, speechless with fright. The Dean. [ Still ea t ing. ] If m y 1 n ind were calmer this would be an all-sufficient repast. [Hannah tries to speak, then clasps her hands and sinks on her knees to Noah.] Hannah, a little plain cold water in a simple tumbler, please. Noah. [Grimly — folding his arms.'] 'Annan, hintrodooce me. [Hannah gives a cry and clings to Noah's legs. The Dean. [Calmly to Noah.] Am I to gather, constable, from your respective attitudes that you object to these little kindnesses extended to me by your worthy Avife ? Noah. I'm wishin' to know the name o' my worthy wife's friend. A friend o' hern is a friend o' mian. Hannah. Noahry! Noahry! DANDY DICK. 119 Noah. She's gettin' me a lot o' nice noo friends since we coom to St. Marvells. Hannah. Noahry ! I made this gentleman's acquaintance through the wicket, in a casual way. Noah. Ay. Cooks and railins — cooks and r alius! I might a guessed my wedded life 'ud a coom to this. Hannah. He spoke to me just as a strange gentleman ought to speak to a lady ! Didn't you, sir — didn't you? The Dean. Hannah, do not let us even under these circum- stances prevaricate ; such is not quite the case ! [Noah advances savagely to The Dean. There is a knocking at the door. — Noah restrains himself and faces The Dean. Noah. Noa, this is neither the toime nor pla-ace, wi' people at the door and dinner on t' table, to spill a strange man's blood. The Dean. I trust that your self-respect as an officer of the law will avert anything so unseemly. Noah. Ay. That's it ! You've touched me on my point o' pride. There ain't another police- s fca tioii in all Durnstone conducted more strict and rigid nor what mian is, and it shall so continue. You and me is a goin' to set out for Durnstone, and when the charges 120 BANDY DICK. now standin' agen you is entered, it's I, Noah Top- ping, what'll hadd another ! [There is another knock at the door. Hannah. Noah ! No A II. The charge of allynati ng the affections o' my wife, 'Annan ! The Dean. [Horrified.] No, no! Noah. Ay, and worse— the embezzlin' o' my mid-day meal prepared by her 'ands. [Points into the cell.] Go in ; you 'ave five minutes more in the 'ome you 'ave ruined and laid waste. The Dean. [Going to the door andturning to Noah.] You will at least receive my earnest assurance that this worthy woman is extremely innocent ? No A II. Ilinnocent ? [Points to the joint on thetable.~] Look theer ! [The Dean, much overcome, disappears through the celVdoor, which Noah closes and locks. The knock at the door is repeated. To Hannah, point- ing to the outer door.] Hunlock that door ! Hannah. [ Weeping.] Oh, Noahry, you'll never be popular in St.'Marvells. Noah. Ilunloek that door! DANDY DICK. 121 [Hannah unlocks the door, and admits Georgian a and Sir Tristram, both dressed for the race-course. Georgian a. Dear me ! Is this the Police- Station ? Hannah. Yes, lady. Take a chair, lady, near the fire. [ To Sir Tristram.] Sit down, sir. Georgiana. This is my first visit to a police-station, my good woman ; I hope it will be the last. Hannah. Oh, don't say that, ma'am. We're honly hauxilli- axy 'ere, ma'am — the Bench sets at Durnstone. Georgiana. I must say you try to make everybody feel at home. [Hannah curtseys. Sir Tristram. It's beautifully Arcadian. Georgiana. •[ To Hannah.] Perhaps this is only a police-station for the young ? Hannah. No, ma'am, we take ladies and gentlemen like yourselves. Noah. [ Who has not been tioticed, surveying Georgiana and Sir Tristram, gloomily.'] 'Annah, hintrodooce me. 122 DANDY DICK. Georgiana. [Facing Noah.] Good gracious! What's that! Oil, good- morning. Noah. 'Annan's a gettin' me a lot o' nice noo friends this week since we coom to St. Marvells. Hannah. Noah, Noah — the lad}* and gentlemen is strange. Noah. Ho! Georgiana. Are you the man in charge here? Noah. Ay; are you seeing me on business or pleasure? : Tristram. Do you imagine people come here to see you ? Noah. Xoa — they generally coom to see my wife. 'Owever, if it's business (pointing to the other side of oom) that's th Lde — this is domestic. You'll hall kindly move over. Sim Tristram and Georgiana. Oh, certainly. [ Changing their seats. : Tristram. Now, look here, my man. This lady is Mrs. Tid- man. Mrs. Tidman is the sister of Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvells. Hannah. [ With a gasp.} Oh ! DANDY DICK. 123 Georgian a. There's something wrong with your wife. Noah. Ay. She' s profligate — proceedins are pendin' ! Georgiaista. [ To Sir Teisteam.] Strange police station My flesh creeps. Sir Tristram. [To Noah.] Well, my good man, to come to the point. My poor friend and this lady's brother, Dr. Jedd, the Dean, you know — has mysteriously and unaccountably disappeared. Georgian a. Vanished. Gone. Absconded. Sir Tristram. Noah. Ge ORG I ANA. .Absconded ! How dare you. Noah. Respectable man, was 'e ? Georgiana. What do you mean ? Sir Tristram. This lady is his sister ! Noah. Now, look 'ere — it's no good a gettin' 'asty and irritable with the law. I'll coom over to yer, officially. 124 BANDY MICK. [ Putting the btfking tin under his arm he crosses over to Sir Tristram and Georgian a. Sir Tristram. [Putting his hand/cerchu f to his /ace.'] Don't bring that horrible odor of cooking over here. Gkorgiaxa. Take it away ! What is it? Noah. It's evidence against my profligate wife. [Sir Tristram and Georgiana exchange looks of impatience. Georgiana. Do you realize that my poor brother the Dean is missing '? Noah. Ay. Touching this missin' De-an. Georgian a. I left him hist night to retire to rest. Sir Tristram. This morning he is not to be found ! Noah. Ay. ' As it struck you to look in 'is bed ? Georgiana and Sir Tristram. Of course ! Georgian a. Everybody did that ! BAND Y DICK. 125 Noah. One 'ud a done. It's only conf usiir — hall doin' it ! Money matters right or wrong 2 [Georgiana puts her handkerchief to her eyes. Sir Tristram. Bo put yonr questions more feelingly! This is liis sister — 1 am his friend ! Noah. You will push yourselves forrard. Had he any- thing on his mind? Georgiana. Yes! Noah. Then I've got a the'ry. Sir Tristram and Georgiana. What is it? Noah. A the'ry that will put you all out o' suspense ! Georgiana and Sir Tristram. Yes, yes ! Noah. I've been a good bit about, I read a deal, and I'm a shrewd experienced man. I should say this is nothin' but a hordinary case of sooicide. [Georgiana sits faintly. Sir Tristram. [Savagely to Noah.] Get out of the way! Geor- giana ? 126 DANDY DICK. Georgia xa. Oh, Tris, if this were true hoAv could we "break it to the girls ? Noah. I could run oop, durin' the evenin', and break it to the girls. Sir Tristram. [ Turns vjjrm Noah.] Look here, all you've got to do is to hold your tongue and take down my descrip- tion of the l)ean, and report his disappearance at Durnstone. [Pushing him into a chair."] Go on! [Dictating.] "Missing. The Very Reverend Augus- tin Jecld, Dean of St. Marvells." Voov Gus! Poor Gus ! Hannah. [Softly to Geobgiana.] Lady, lady ! [Noah prepares to write, depositing the bak- ing-tin on the table. Georgiana. [Turning.] Eh? Hannah. Hush ! Listen to me ! [Speaks to Georgiana excitedly. Sin Tristram. [ To Noah.] Have you got that ? NO A IT. [ Writing laboriously with his legs curled round the chair and his head on the table.] Ay. I'm spelling it my own way. DANDY DICK. 127 Sir Tristram. Poor dear old Gus ! [Dictating."] " Description ! " Noah. Oh noa ! Sir Tristram. " Description ! " Noa ii. I suppose he was jest the hordinary sort o' lookin' man. Sir Tristram. No, no ! " Description ! " Georgiana. [Turning from Hannah, excitedly. ~\ Description —a little, short, thin man, with black hair and a squint ! Sir Tristram. [ To Georgiana.] No, no, he isn't. Georgiaxa. Yes, he is ! Sir Tristram. Georgiana ! What are you talking about ? Georgiana. I'm Gus's sister — I ought to know what he's like ! Sir Tristram. Good heavens, Georgiana — your mind is not going ? Georgiana. [ Clutching Sir Tristram's arm and whispering in his ear, as she points to the cell door.] He's in there ! 128 BANDY DICK. Sir Tristram. Eh! Georgians. Gus is the villain found closing Dandy Dick last night ! Sir Tristram. [Falling back."] Oh! [IIaxxaii seises Sir Tristram and talks to him rapidly.] [ To Noah.] What have you written ? Noah. I've written "Ilanswers to the name o' Gus ! " Georgian a. [Snatching the paper from him."] It's not wanted. I've altered my mind. I'm too busy to bother about him this week. Noah. What ! Ilafter wasting my time ? Georgian a. Look here — you're the constable who took the man in the Deanery Stables list night? Noah. Ay. [^Looking out of the window.] There's my curt outside ready to' take the scoundrel over to Durnstone. Georgian a. I should like to see him. Noah. You can view him passin' out. [lie tucks the baking-tin under his arm and goes up to the cell door. J) ANDY DICK. 129 Georgiana. [ To herself.] Oh, Gits, Gus ! Noah. [ Unlocking the door.] I warn yer. 'E's a awful looking creature. Georgian a. I can stand it ; I love horrors ! [Noah goes into the cell,closing the door after Mm. Tris! Sir Tristram. Georgian a ! Georgiana. What was my brother's motive in bolusing Dandy last night ? Sir Tristram. I can't think. The first thing to do is to get him out of this hole. This good woman has arranged for his escape. Georgiana. But we can't trust to Gus rolling out of a flying dogcart ! Why, it's as much as I could do ! Hannah. Oh, yes, lady, he'll do it. I've prewided for every- thing. Don't betray him to Noah ! There's another — a awfuller charge hangin' over his reverend 'ead. Sir Tristram. Another charge ! 9 130 UANDT DICK. Georgiana. Another ! Oh Tris ! To think my own stock should run vicious like this. Hannah. Hush, lady ! [Noah comes out of the cell with The Deax, mho is in Junidcuffs. Geoikhaxa and Sir Tristram. Oh! Tin: Deax. \JRaising his eyes, ■•<<»* Sir Tristram and Geoi ana, and recoils wit/i a groan, sinking on to a chair.'] Oh! Noah. Oop you get ! Sir Tristram. No, no, stay ! I am the owner of the horse stable. I at the Deanery. T make no charge against this wretched person. [To The Dean.] Oh man, man! The Deax. T was discovered administering to a suffering beast a simple remedy for chills. I am an unfortunate creature. Do with me what you will. Georgian a. The analysis hasn't come home from the chemist's yet. Is this the truth ? The Dean. Yes. BANDY DICK; |31 Sir Tristram. [ To Noah.] Release this man. Noah. Release him! Tie was found trespassin' in the stables of the la-ate De-an, who has committed sooi- cide. The Dean. Oh ! I Sir Tristram, Georgian a and Hannah. Hush ! Noah. The Diseased De-an is the honly man wot can withdraw one charge- The Dean. I — listen ! Sir Tristram, Georgiana and Hannah. Hush ! Noah. And I'm the honly man wot can withdraw the other. Sir Tristram. You ? Get out ! Georgian a. Get out ! Noah. I charge this person unknown with allynating the affections o' my wife while I was put tin' my 'orse to. And I'm goin' to drive him over to Durnstone with the heviclence. 182 DANDY DICK. Georgiana. It isn't true. Hannah. Oh lady, lady, it's appearances what is against us. Noah. [Through the opening of the door. ,] Woa! Steady there ! Get back ! Georgian a. [ Whispering to The Dean.] I am disappointed in you, Augustin. Have you got this wretched wom- an's whistle? The Dean. Yes. Sir Tristram. [Softly to The Dean.] Oh Jedd, Jedd — and these ore what you call Principles ! Have ^you got the key of your handcuffs ? The Dean. Yes. Noah. [Appearing in the doorway-~\ Time's oop. Coom on ! The Dean. May I say a few parting words in the home I have apparently wrecked ? Noah. Say' em and 'a done. DANDY DICK. iy J The Dean. In setting out upon a journey, the termination of which is problematical, I desire to attest that this erring constable is the husband of a wife from whom it is impossible to withhold respect, if not admiration. Noah. You 'ear ' im ! The Dean. As for my wretched self, the confession of my weaknesses must be reserved for another time — another place. [To Georgiana.] To yoti, whose privilege it is to shelter in the sanctity of the Deanery; I g nest admonition. Within an hour from this terrible moment, let the lire be lighted in the drawing-room — let the missing man's warm bath be waiting for its master — a change of linen prepared. Withhold your judgments. Wait. Noah. This is none of your business. Coom on. The Dean. I am ready ! [Noah takes him by the arm and leads him out. Georgiana. Oh, what am I to think of my brother ? Hannah. [Kneeling at Georgiana 's feet."] Think ! That he's the beautifullest, sweetest man in all Durn- shire ! Georgiana. Woman ! 134 DANDY DICK. Hannah. It's I and my whistle and Nick the fire-brigade horse what'U bring him back to the Deanery safe and unharmed. Not a soul but we three'll ever know of his misfortune. [Listening.'] Hark! They're off! Noah. [Outside.'] Get up, now! Get-oop, old girl! Hannah. [ With a cry.~\ Ah! [Mushing to the door and looking out.] lie's done for ! Georgiana and Sir Tristram. Done for ! Hannah. The Dean can whistle himself blue ! Noah's put Kitty in the cart, and left Old Nick at home ! THE END OF THE FIRST SCENE. The second scene is the Morning lloom at the Dean try again. Salome and Sheba are sitting there gloomily. Salome. Poor Papa ! Sheba. Poor dear Papa ! Salome. He must return very soon — he must ! BANDY DICK. 135 Sheba. He must ! In the meantime it is such a comfort to feel that we have no cause for self-reproach. Salome. But the anxiety is terribly wearing. Sheba. Nothing is so weakening, Salome. Salome. Sheba, clear. Sheba. [Clinging to 8alome.~] If I should pine and ulti- mately die of this suspense I want you to have my workbox. Salome. [Shaking her head and sadly turning away.~\ Thank you, dear, but if Papa is not home for afternoon tea you will outlive me. [Turning towards the window as Major Tarver and My. Darbey appear outside. Darbey. [ Outside.} Miss Jedd ! Miss Jedd ! Salome. Sheba ! Here are Gerald Tarver and Mr. Darbey ! Sheba. Oh, the presumption ! Open the window and dare them to enter ! [Salome unfastens the windoio. 136 DANDY DICK. D ABBEY. [ Outside.~\ Thank you. Don't be shocked when you see Tarver. Tarver and Darbey enfef, dressed for the Raees^ but Darbey is supporting Tarter, who looks ex- tremely weakly. Tarveb. Pardon this informal method of presenting our- selves. Salome. You do well, gentlemen, to intrude upon two feeble women at a moment of sorrow. SlIEBA. One step further, and I shall ask Major Tarver, who is nearest the bell, to ring for help. [Tabveb sinks into a chair. D ABBEY. [Standing by the side o/Tarveb.] There now. The fact is, Miss Jedd, that Tarver is in an exceedingly critical condition. Feeling that he has incurred your displeasure he has failed even in the struggle to gain the race-course. I have taken him to Dr. Middleton and I explained that Major Tarver loved with a pas- sion [looking at Siieba] second only to my own. Salome. [Sitting comfortably on the settee.^ Oh, we cannot listen to you, Mr. Darbey. Sheba. Go on, sir, if you can. [ The two girls exchange looks. DANblt JJICK. 137 DxVRBEY. The Doctor made a searching examination of the Major's tongue and diagnosed that, unless the Major at once proposed to the lady in question and was accepted, three weeks or a month at the seaside would be absolutely imperative. Shall I continue ? Salome. Oh, certainly. I am helpless. Sheba. We are curious to see to what lengths you will go. Dae bey. The pitiable condition of my poor friend speaks for itself. Salome. I beg your pardon — it does nothing of the kind. Tarver. [Rising with difficult]/ and approaching Salome.] Salome — I have loved you distractedly for upwards of eight weeks. Salome. [ Going to Jbim.~] Oh, Major Tarver, let me pass ; [holding his coat JirmbJ\ let me pass, I say. Tarver. Unless you push me, never ! Sheba. Spare me this scene, Mr. Darbey. [Darbe y follows Sheba across the room, 138 BANDY DICK. Tarver. To a man in my condition love is either a rapid and fatal malady, or it is an admirable digestive. Accept mc, and my merry lam-h (.nee more rings \stgh the Mess Rooni. Reject me, and my e< tion i i' ' 1 in volumes, Avill be l)i'.>uu!iL to the hammer, and the bird, as it were, will trill no more. Salome. And is it really I who would hush the little throaty songster ? Tarver. Certainly. [Taking a sheet of paper from his pocket.'] I have the Doctor's ' certificate to that effect. [Both reading the certificate they walk into Library. Sheba. Oh, Mr. Darbey, I have never thought of marriage seriously. Darbey. People never do till they are married^ Sheba. But think, only think of my age. Darbey. Pardon me, Sheba — but what is your age ? Siief.a. Oh, it is so very little — it is not worth mention- ing. Cannot we remain friends and occasionally correspond? DANDY DICK. 139 Da I! BEY, Well, of course — if you insist SlIEBA. No, no, I see that is impracticable. It must be wed or part. All I ask is time — time to ponder over such a question, time to know myself better. Darbey. Certainly, how long*? Sheba. Give me two or three minutes. Hush ! [They separate as Tarver and Salome re- enter the room. Tarver is glaring excit- edly and biting his nails. Tarver. I never thought I should live to be accepted by anyone. I shall buy some gay songs. Er — when can I see the Dean ? Salome. Oh, don't! Tarver. Salome ! Salome. Papa has been out all night. ; : v and Tarver. All night? Salome. Isn't it terrible! Oh, what do you think of it Mr. Darbey ? 140 DANDY DICK. Darbey. Sacking, but we oughtn't to condemn him un- heard . Salome. Condemn my Papa ! Sheba. [At the window.] Here's Aunt Georgiana! Darbey. Eh ! Look out, Tarver. [ Going out quickly. Salome. [Pulling Tarvee after her.] Come this way and let otfciags in the conservatory. [They go out. Sheba. Mr. Darbey! Mr. Darbey, wait for me — I have decided. Yes. [She goes out by the door as Georgiana enters excitedly at the window. Georgiana. [ Waving Jar handkerchief.] Come on, Tris ! The course is clear! Mind the gate-post! Hold him up! Now give him his head! Sir Tristram and Hatcham enter by the window carrying The Dean. They all look as though they have been recently engaged in a prolonged struggle. Sir Tristram. Put him down ! Georgiana. Put him down ! DAXDY DICK. 141 Hat< ham. That I will, ma'am, and gladly. [They deposit The Dean in a chair and Georgiana and Sib Tristram each seize a hand, feeling The Dean's pulse, while Hatcham ^>w& his hand on The Dean's heart. The Dean. [ Opening his eyes.~\ Where am I now ? Georgiana. He lives ! Hurrah ! Cheer man, cheer ! Sir Tristram and Hatcham [Quietly.] Hurrah! [To Hatcham.] We can't shout here, go and cheer as loudly as you can in the roadway by yourself. Hatcham. Yes, Sir. [Hatcham runs out at the window. The Dean. [ Gradually recovering.'] Georgiana — Mardon. Sir Tristram How are you, Jedd, old boy ? Georgiana. How do you feel now, Gus ? The Dean. Torn to fragments. Sir Tristram. So you are. Thank heaven, he's conscious ! 142 DANDY DICK. The Dean. I feel as if I had been walked over carefully by a large concourse of the lower orders ! Georgian a. So you have been. Thank heaven, his memory is all right. [Hatcham's voice is heard in the distance cheering. They all listen. Sir Tristram. That's Hatcham, I'll raise his wages. The Dean. Do I understand that I have been forcibly and illegally rescued ? Sir Tristram. That's it, old fellow. The Dean. Who has committed such a reprehensible act ? Sir Tristram. A woman who would have been a heroine in any age — Georgiana ! The Dean. Georgiana, I am bound to overlook it, in a rela- tive, but never let this occur again. Sir Tristram. Tell him. Georgiana. You found out that that other woman's plan went lame, didn't you ? DANDY DICK. W;j The Dean. I discovered its inefficacy, after a prolonged period of ineffectual whistling. Georgiana. But we ascertained the road the genial constable was going to follow. He was bound for the edge of the hill, up Pear Tree Lane, to watch the Races. Directly we knew this, Tris and I made for the Hill. Bless your soul, there were hundreds of my old friends there — welshers, pick -pockets, card-sharpers, all the lowest race-course cads in the kingdom. In a minute I was in the middle of 'em, as much at home as a Duchess in a Drawing-room. Sir Tristram. A Queen in a Palace ! Georgiana. Boadicea among the Druids ! " Do you know me ? " I holloaed out. Instantly there was a cry of " Blessed if it 'aint George Tidd ! " Tears of real joy sprang to my eyes — while I was wiping them away Tris had his pockets emptied and I lost my watch. Sir Tristram. Ah, Jedd, it was a glorious moment ! Georgiana. Tris made a back, and I stood on it, supported by a correct-card merchant on either side. " Dear friends," I said; "Brothers! I'm with you once again." You should have heard the shouts of honest welcome. Before I could obtain silence my field glasses had gone on their long journey. "Listen to 144 BANDY DICK. me," I said. " A very dear relative of mine has been collared for playing the three-card trick on his way down from town." There was a groan of sympathy. " He'll be on the brow of the Hill with a bobby in half-an-honr," said I, "who's for the res- cue?" A dead deep silence followed, broken only by the sweet voice of a young child, saying, " What'll we get for it?" "A pound a-piece," said I. There was a roar of assent, and; my concluding words, " and possibly six months," were never heard* At that moment Tris' back could stand it no longer; and we' c-iine heavily to the ground together [Seizin^/ The Dean by tJie hand and dragging him up.'] Xow you know whose hands have led you bark to your own manger. [Embracing him.'] And brother, confess — isn't there something good and noble in true English sport after all ? The Dean. Every abused institution has its redeeming ch i teristic. But whence is the money to come to reward these dreadful persons ? I cannot reasonably ask my girls to organize a bazaar or conceit. Georgian a. Concert ! I'm a rich woman. The Dean. Rich ! Georgiana. Well, I've cleared fifteen hundred over the Handi- cap. The Deax. [Recoiling.] No ! Then the horse who enjoyed the shelter of the Deanery last night Dandy Dick ! Won! DANDY DICK. 145 Sir Tristram. The Dean. Georgiana. In a common canter ! All the rest nowhere, and Bonny Betsy walked in with the policeman. The Dean. [ To himself.'] Five hundred pounds towards the Spire! Five hundred! Oh, where is Blore with the good news ! Sir Tristram. Look at him ! Lively as a cricket ! The Dean. Sir Tristram, I am under the impression that your horse swallowed reluctantly a small portion of that bolus last night before I was surprised and removed. Sir Tristram. By the bye, I am expecting the analysis of that concoction every minute. The Dean. Spare yourself the trouble — the secret is with me. I seek no acknowledgment from either of you, but in your moment of deplorable triumph remember with gratitude the little volume of " The Horse and its Ailments" and the prosaic name of its humane author — John Cox. [lie goes out through the Library. Georgian a. But oh, Tris Mardon, what can I ever say to you ? 10 146 DANDY DICK. Sir Tristram. Anything yon like except " Thank you ! " Georgiana. Don't stop me? Why, you were the man who hauled Augustin out of the cart by his legs ! Sir Tristram. Oh, but why mention such trifles ? Georgiana. They're not trifles. And when his cap fell off, it was you — brave fellow that you are — who pulled the horse's nose-bag over my brother's head so that he shouldn't be recognized. Sir Tristram. My dear Georgiana, these are the common cour- tesies of every-day life. Georgiana. They are acts which any true woman would esteem. Gus won't readily forget the critical moment when all the cut chaff ran down the back of his neck — nor shall I. Sir Tristram. shall T forget the way in which you gave Dandy his whisky out of a soda water bottle just before the race. Georgiana. That's nothing — any lady would do the same. Sir Tristram. Nothing ! You looked like the Florence Nightin- gale of the paddock! Oh, Georgiana, why, why, why won't you marry me ? DANDY DICK. 147 Georgiana. Why! Sir Tristram. Why J . Georgiana. Why ! Because you've only just asked me, Tris ! [ Goes to him cordially. Sir Tristram. But when I touched your hand last night, you reared ! Georgian a. Yes, Tris, old man, but love is founded on mutual esteem, last night you hadn't put my brother's head in that nose-bag. [ They go together to the fireplace, he with his arm round her waist. Sheba. [Looking in at the door.~] How annoying ! There's Aunt and Sir Tristram in this room — Salome and Major Tarver are sitting on the hot pipes in the con- servatory — where am I and Mr. Darbey to go? Papa ! Come back ! [She withdraws quickly as The Dean enters through the Library carrying a paper in his hand ; he has now resumed his normal appearance. The Dean. Home ! What sonorous music is in the word ! Home, with the secret of my sad misfortune buried in the bosoms of a faithful few. Home, with my family influence intact ! Home, with the sceptre of 148 DANDY DICK. my dignity still tight in my grasp ! What is this I have picked up on the stairs ? [Reads with a horrified look, as Hatcham enters at the window. Hatcham. Beg pardon, Sir Tristram. Sir Tristram. What is it ? Hatcham. The chemist has just brought the annah'sis. Sir Tristram. Where is he ? [Sir Tristram and Georgiana go out at the w indoic, follow ing Hatch am. The Dean. It is too horrible ! [Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen, "Bow Street — Total, Forty pounds, nineteen ! " There was a fancy masked ball at Durnstone last night ! Salome — Sheba — no, no! Salome and Sheba. [Bounding in and rushing at The Dean.] Papa, Papa ! Salome. Our own Papa ! Sheba. Papsey ! [Salome seizes his hands, Sheba his coat-tails, and turn Mm round violently. Salome. Our parent returned ! BANDY DICK. i49 SlIEBA. Papsey — come back ! The Dean. Stop ! Salome. Papa, why have you tortured us with anxiety? Sheba. Where have you been, you naughty man ? The Dean. Before I answer a question, which, from a child to its parent, partakes of the unpardonable vice of curiosity, I demand an explanation of this disrep- utable document. [Reading.'] " Debtor to Lewis Isaacs, Costumier to the Queen." Salome and Sheba. Oh! [Sheba sits aghast on the table — Salome dis- tractedly falls on the floor. The Dean. I will not follow this legend in all its revolting intricacies. Suffice it, its moral is inculcated by the mournful total. Forty pounds, nineteen ! Imps of deceit! [Looking from one to the other.'] There was a ball at Durnstone last night. I know it. Sheba. Spare us ! Salome. You couldn't have been there, Papa ! 150 bANDY DICK. The Dean. There ! I trust I was better — that is, otherwise employed. [Referring to the bill.'] Which of my hith- erto trusted daughters was a lady — no, I will say a person — of the period of the French Revolution ? [Sheba points to Salome. The Dean. And a flower-girl of an unknown epoch. [Salome points to Sheba.] To your respective rooms ! [ The girls cling together.] Let your blinds be drawn. At seven porridge will be brought to you. Salome. The Dean. Sheba. The Dean. Papa! Go! Papsey ! Go! Salome. Papa, we, poor girls as we are, can pay the bill. The Dean. You cannot — go ! Sheba. Through the kindness of our Aunt — Salome. We have won fifty pounds. The Dean. What! Sheba. At the Races ! DANDY DICK. 151 The Dean. [Recoiling.'] You too ! You too drawn into the vortex ! Is there no conscience that is clear — is there no guilessness left in this house, with the possible ex- ception of my own ! Sheba. [Sobbing. ,] We always knew a little more than you gave us credit for, Papa. The Dean. [Handing Sheba the bill."] Take this horrid thing — never let it meet my eyes again. As for the scandal- ous costumes, they shall be raffled for in aid of local charities. Confidence, that precious pearl in the snug shell of domesticity, is at an encl between us. I chastise you both by permanently withholding from you the reason of my absence from home last night. Go ! [ The girls totter out as Sir Tristram enters quickly at the window, followed by Georgiana, carrying the basin containing the bolus. Sir Tristram has an opened letter in his hand. Sir Tristram. Good heavens, Jedd ! the analysis has arrived ! The Dean. I am absolutely indifferent ! Georgiana and Sir Tristram. Indifferent ! The Dean. [ To Georgiana.] How dare you confront me with- out even the semblance of a blush — you who have 152 DANDY DICK. enabled my innocent babies, for the first time in their lives, to discharge one of their own accounts. Georgian a. There isn't a blush in our family — if there were, you'd want it. [Sheba and Salome appear outside the window, looking in. Sir Tristram. Jedd, you were once my friend, and you are to be my relative. The Dean. [Looking at Georgjana.] My sister ! [ To Sir Tris- tram.] I offer no opposition. Sir Tristram. Bnt not even our approaching family tie prevents my designating you as one of the most atrocious con- spirators known in the history of the Turf. The Dean. Conspirator ! Sir Tristram. As the owner of one-half of Dandy Dick, I de- nounce you ! GeOrgiana. As the owner of the other half, I denounce you ! The Dean. You ! Shet.a and Salome enter, and remain stand ine/ in the recess, listening. DANDY DICK. 153 Sir Tristram. The chief ingredient of your infernal preparation is known. The Dean. It contains nothing that I would not cheerfully administer to my own children. Georgiana. [In horror'] Oh ! Sir Tristram. I believe you. [Pointing to the paper ^\ Strychnine ! Sixteen grains ! Salome and Sheba. [ Clinging to each other terrified."] Oh ! The Dean. Strychnine ! Summon my devoted servant Blore, in whose presence the innocuous mixture was com- pounded. [Georgian a rings the bell. The girls hide behind the window curtains.] This analysis is simply the pardonable result of over-enthusiasm on the part of our local chemist. Georgiana. You're a disgrace to the pretty little police station where you slept last night ! [Blore enters and stands unnoticed. The Dean. I will prove that in the Deanery Stables the com- mon laws of hospitality have never been transgressed. Give me the bowl! [Georgian, v hands Tub Dean the basin from the table.] A simple remedy for a chill. 154 DANDY DICK. Georgiaxa and Sir Tristram. Strychnine — sixteen grains ! The Deax. I, myself, am suffering from the exposure of last night. [Taking the remaining bolus and opening his mouthJ] Observe me ! Blore. [Rushing forward, snatching the basin from The Dean and sinking on to his knees.] No, no! Don't, don't! You won kin' t 'ang the boldest servant in tbe Deanery. The Deax. Blore ! Blore. I did it ? T 'ad a honest fancy for Bonny Betsy, and I van ted this gentleman's 'orse out of the way. And while you was mixing the dose with the best ecclesiastical intentions, I hintrpduced a foreign ele- ment. The Deax. [Pulling Blore up by his coat collar.] Viper ! Blore. Oh sir, it was hall for the sake of the Dean. Sir Tristram. The Dean ? Blore. Tbe dear Dean had only Fifty Pounds to spare for sporting purposes, and I thought a gentleman of M- 'igh standing ought to have a certainty. DANDY DICK. 155 Sir Tristram. Jedd ! Georgiaxa. Augustin ! The Dean. I can conceal it no longer — I — I instructed this unworthy creature to back Dandy Dick on behalf of the Restoration Fund. Sir Tristram. [Shaking Bloke.] And didn't you do it? Bloke. No. The Deax. Why not ? In the name of that tottering Spire, why not ? Blore. Oh, sir, thinking as you'd given some of the mix- ture to Dandy I put your cheerful little offering on to Bonny Betsy. [Salome and Sheba disappear. The Dean. Oh ! [ To Blore.] I could have pardoned everything but this last act of disobedience. You are unworthy of the Deanery. Leave it for some ordinary house- hold. Blore. If I leave the Deanery, I shall give my reasons, and then what'll folks think of you and me in our old age? The Dean. You wouldn't spread this tale in St. Marvells ? 150 DANDY DICK. Bloke. Not if sobv,r, sir — but suppose grief drove :ue to my cups ? The Deax. I must save you from intemperance at any cost. Remain in my service — a sad, sober and, above all, a silent man ! [Salome and Sheba appear as Blore goes out through the window. Salome. Papa ! The Deax. To your rooms ! I am distracted ! Salome. Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey ! The Deax. If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so. SlIEBA. No, no, Papa ; we have accidentally discovered that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if not to crime. The Deax. [Staggering back. 2 Oh ! Sheba. We are still young — the sooner, therefore, we are removed from any unfortunate influence the better, DANDY DICK. 157 Salome. We have an opportunity of beginning life afresh. Sheua. These two gallant gentlemen have proposed for us. The Dean. Then I am at home. Where are they ? \_He goes out rapidly, followed by Salome and Sheba. Directly they have disap- peared, Noah Topping, looking dishev- elled, rushes in at the window, with Hannah clinging to him. Noah. [Glaring round the room.~\ Is this 'ere the Deanery ? [Georgiana and Sir Tristram come to hini. Hannah. Noahry, Noah, come back ! Noah. Theer's been a man rescued from my lawful cus- tody while my face was unofficially held downwards in the mud. The villain has been traced back to the Deanery. Sir Tristram. Go away ! Hannah. Come away ! Noah. The man was a unknown lover of my nooly made wife ! i: DANDY DICK. Georgiana. You mustn't bring your domestic affairs here; this is a subject for your own fireside of an evening. [The Dean appears outside the window with Salome, Sheba, Tarver and Darbey. The Dean. [ Outside.] Come in, Major Tarver — come in, Mr. Darbey ! Noah. That's his voice ! The Dean enters, followed by Salome, Tarver, Sheba and Darbey. Noah. [ Confronting The Dean.] My man. Hannah. No, no, Noahry ! Georgiana. You're speaking to Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvell's. Noah. I'm speaking to the man I took last night — the culprit as 'as allynated the affections of my wife. Sir Tristram. Wait — one moment ! [ Going out at the window. [Salome and Tarver go into the Library and sit at the writing-table. Darbey sits in an arm-chair with Sheba on the arm. DANDY DICK. I&(J The Dean. [Mildly.'] Do not let us chide a man who is con- scientious even in error. [Looking at Hannah.] ( think I see Hannah Evans, once an excellent cook under this very roof. Hannah. I'm Mrs. Topping now, sir — bride o' the constable. And oh, do forgive him — he's a mass o' ignorance. Noah. Coom away ! [Hannah returns to Noah, as Sir Tristram re-enters with Hatcham. Sir Tristram. [ To Hatcham.] Hatcham — [pointing to The Dean] — Is that the man you and the Constable secured in the stable last night ? Hatcham. That, sir ! Bless your 'art, sir, that's the Dean 'imself. Sir Tristram. That'll do. Hatcham. [To Noah.] Why, our man was a short, thin individual ! [Hatcham goes out at the window. The Dean. [ To Noah.] I trust you are perfectly satisfied. Noah. \Wiping his brow and looking puzzled.'] I'm doon. 160 DANDY DICK. The Dean. Don't trouble further. I withdraw unreservedly any charge against this unknown person found on my premises last night. I attribute to him the most innocent intentions. Hannah, you and your worthy husband will stay and dine in my kitchen. Good afternoon. Noah. Is it a 'ot dinner ? The Dean. Hot — with ale. Noah. [Turning angrily to Hannah.] Now then, you don't know a real gentleman when you see one. Why don't 'ee thank the Dean warmly ? Hannah. [Kissing The Dean's hands with a curtsey.~\ Thank you, sir. The Deax. [Benignly.'] Go — go. I take a kindly interest in you both. [ T/tey back out, bowing and curtseying. Georgian a. Well, Gus, you're out of all your troubles. Are you happy ? The Dean. Happy! My family influence gone forever— my dignity crushed out of all recognition — the genial summer of the Deanery frosted by the winter of Deceit. DANDY DICK. 1(31 Georgiana. Ah, Gus, when once you lay the whip about the withers of the horse called Deception he takes the bit between his teeth, and only the devil can stop him — and he'd rather not. Shall I tell you who has been riding the horse hardest? The Dean. Who? Georgiana. The Dean. The Dean. Georgiana ! I'm surprised at you. [Sheba sits at the piano and plays a bright air softly — Darbey standing behind her — Salome andTAP^VEii stand in the archivay. Georgiana. [Slapping The Dean on the back.'] Look here, Augustin, George Tidd will lend you that thousand for the poor, innocent old Spire. The Dean. [ Taking her hand.'] Oh, Georgiana ! Georgiana. On one condition — that you'll admit there's no harm in our laughing at a Sporting Dean. The Dean. No, no — I cannot allow it ! Georgiana. Tris ! My brother Gus doesn't want us to be merry at his expense. [ They both laugh, 11 162 DANDY DI« - The Dean. [ Trying to silence them.'] No, no! I forbid it! Hush i SlK TeISTBAM. Why, Jedd, there's no harm in laughter, for those who laugh or those who are laughed at. Georgian a. Provided always — firstly, that it is Folly that i^ laughed at and not Virtue ; secondly, that it is our friends who laugh at us, [to the audience'] as we hope they ail will, for our pains. THE END. DANDY DICK $, (ptty in Zfyxu fade ARTHUR PINERO il'THOR OF "SWEET LAVENDER, " "THE TIMES," "THE CABINET MINISTER, " LADY BOUNTIFUL," ETC. NEW YORK UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY 5 and 7 East Sixteenth Street Chicaco: 266 & 268 Wabash Ave. *° / A q. * <^^V ^*i^\ *^^'% « > aG^ % „ '*7 W T^ a<^ ^ V'V a& v <• *^TTs ^# <£ ^ ^ ^ ^^ : iWml : a o^ \ ^ " o . i * \* , % ' Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. - ° cjb «V Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide * ^ Treatment Date: April 2009 r^ ^ s !nl/ * PreservationTechnologies .**