1- tion, mailed free and post-paid. Yothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dn^^y;% ,een7ntld as those Lt appear in the following list, ^^t orUy<^ ^ V^-;p characters droll, the incidents funny, the language hurmrous,hut ■•'; i i.C.m"DEWlTT'sETHIOPIAXANDCOMIcDRAMA. ^ ^= Any of thefolloiving Plays sent, postagefree, on receipt of p7'zce.-l5 «..<..-■' Address, ROBERT M. DE WITT, J^o. 33 Hose Street, J^'en' «•>;■•! ^-The fi-ure following the name of the Play denotes the number of ?^ v . fi.ar'^^Ihe columns indicat: the nnmber of characters.-M. male; Y. female. " *^* Female characters are generally assumed by males m these plays. No. 73. 6. 10. 11. 24. 40. 42. 43. 78. 79. 89. 35. 41. 12. 50. 53. 63. 64. 95. 4. 52. 67. 98. 25. 51. 88. 17. 31. 20. 58. 70 77 M. ] African Box, burlesque, 2 scenes . . 5 Black Chap from Whitechapel, 1 s. 4 Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 6 Black Ey'd William, 2 scenes..... 4 Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 scene. 2 Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene 4 Bad Whis"key, sketch, 1 scene ^ Babv Elephant, sketch, 2 scenes. . . 7 Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 Barney s Courtship, Irish, 1 scene 1 Bo'^as Talking Machine, Dutch 4 Coal Reavers' ^Revenge, 1 scene.. 6 Cremation, sketcli, 2 scenes » Da<^uerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene.. . . 6 Drift (The), sketch, 1 act, 2 scenes, b Damon and Pythias, 2 scenes .... 5 Darkey's Stratagem, sketch, 1 act. . 6 Dutchman's Ghost, sketch, 1 scene. 4 Dutch Justice, sketch, 1 scene U Eh '' What is It ? sketch, 1 scene. . . 4 Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene 10 Editor's Troubles, farce, in 1 scene. . 6 Elopement (The), farce, 2 scenes. . . 4 Fellow That Looks Like Me, Is.... ^ Fisherman-s Luck, sketch, 1 scene. 2 First Night, Dutch sketch, 4 scenes 4 Gliost (The), sketch, 1 scene ^ Glvceriue Oil, sketcli, 2 scenes. .. d Goin? for the Cup, interlude, 1 scene 4 Gtiostiua i'aw,ishop, 1 scene... ^.. 4 Guide lo t'.e Stage, sketch, l^cene 3 Getting Square on Ca IBoy, 1 bcene 3 Good Nigai s Kest, sketch, 1 scene 3 German Emigrant, sketch, 1 scene. 3 Musical Servant, sketch, ^ »••.;•- -■ Midnight Intruder (Tae), 1 S'. ; : Molly Moriarty, Irish, 1 scene . . Nightin a Strange Ho'.el, 1 scev. . Obeving Orders, ske'ch, 1 sce-V 100th Night of Hamkt, 1 scene. . One Night in a Bar Room, 1 -' • One Two, Three, sketch, 1 sctEi Policy Players, sketch, 1 seers... Pompey's Patients, ;^ scenes-.. Porter's Troubles, -kel'ih, 1 si ry .;cai 'US 66. Port Wine - -., 87. Pete the Peddlfir, sket-.n, .■ :; Gripsack, sketch, 1 scene Hemmed In, sketch, 1 scene. . ..... 3 Haid Times, extravaganza, 1 scene. & Hi-h Jack, the Heeler, 1 scene., b Happy Couple, sketch, 1 scene - Hippotheatron, s.e ch, 1 scene 9 In and Out, sketch, 1 scene - Jea'.nis Husband, sketch, 1 scene 2 Julius the Snoozer, 3 sCvme.- f Last of the Mohicins,l scene.... 6 Live Injun, sketch, 4 scenes 4 Lau'hi.ig Gas. sketch, 1 scene b Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes ^ Lost Will, sketch, 1 scene 4 , Lunatic (The), sketch, 1 scene 3 , Mutton Trial, sketch 2 scenes ..... 4 Malicious Trespass, sketch, 1 scene. 3 56. 85, Painter's Appr f:it,ice (Tue : ■ Polar Bear (Th t,) I'arce, 1 ~'^^-' Recruitin? Office, sketch, ••^v Rival Tenants, .sketch, 1 r-: • Remittance fron. Home, : ?:- Rigo-ing a Purchase, 1 scf :i? Rival Artists, sketch, 1 s-.t;«.i: . Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 -'^■■. Streets of New York sket- :.. . -• ■ Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 ^v- .h: Scenes on the Mississippi v ,- ;■ ' Serenade (The), sketch, 2 .'-. - Scampini, pantomime, 2 '^ ^ ■ , Storming the Fort, sketch . is : Siamese Twins, sketch, 2 ^«-;^ .< ^ Slippery Day, sketch, 1 sec. v . Sta>e Struck Couple (The) _.^-. -■ Sausage Makers (The), si-ni:.--., - Squire for a Day, sketch, • ;'t .'' Stl•auger (The)s sketch, 1 .:•-;•;..-• . Sleepwalker (The), sketc;.; -t • •■ Three Chiefs (The), sketcu, ..'.- : Three, A. M., sketch, 1 see" ; . . Two Black Roses (The), skot-: v- Tricks, sketch, 2 scenes. ..... - > - Three Strhigs to One Bow, 3 ,.>.v Take It, Don't Take It, sket-u, •. Them Papers, sketch, 1 fen'f ■; Uncle Eph's Dream, sketch, ^.c Vinegar Bitters, sketch, oue to-v- Who Died First, sketch, 1 see-.? Wake up, William Henry, 1 sc':;i Wanted, a Nurse, sketch, 1 sc. >'.• Weston the Walkist, Dutcl 1 >•>• ■ What Shall I Take ? sketch, 2sco; . Who's the Actor ? farce, .1 sctr-^-: Wrono- Woman in the Right >. Young Scamp (The), sketch, 1 sc I '^H i;rtv;: X IE STOOPS TO COAQUER, % Comtbn, IN FIVE ACTS. BY OLIVEE GOLDSMITH. ■HE AUTHOR'S APPROVED TEXT AS PEEFORMED AT THE EADING THEATRL.S IN GREAT BRITAIN AND THE UNITED STATES; NOTABLY AT WALLACK'S, NEW YORK, FEBRUARY 25, 187G. ••'GHLY CORRECTED AND REVISED ACTING EDITION, GIV- ■. S TEXT AS THE PIECE WAS ORIGINALLY PERFORMED ;"OVENT GARDEN 'J HEATRE, DURING THE MANAGE- fllNir OF THE ELDER COLMAN, AND UNDER THE DI- RECT SUPERVISION OF THE AUTHOR. aj^ entirely new edition. TO WHICH ARE ADDED, ..•^tlPTION OF THE COSTUMES — CAST OF THE CHAEACTEES— •ANCES AND EXITS EELATI^^E POSITIONS OF THE PEEFOEM- EES ON THE STAGE — COSTUMES — STORY OF THE PLAY GENERAL REMARKS — AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS ACCUEATELY MARKED. %<:Mn NEW YORK. DJiERT M. DE WITT, PITBLISHER, No. 33 Rose Street, (betwken dttane and frankfout streets.) Copyright, 1876, by Robert M. De Witt. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. ^ a ^-iJ . CO i % i i I § ^ 2 ^ a afayett atre, N. y 6, 182 H 2^ >~^ >«; s I- t- t- t« t< gs S^^^^ ^o ^ <» 00 . . S •fe ■^ . ^ n w i^ e o w ?.,-.•« O « s i=i 1-1 £ C3 ^ P -, fq ^ a S < < 5 « ?^ ^' is- K ^ O £ O H J J o « c2 SP3 a O « f^>4" t; j: j^ tn' i-' t-' ti ggggg^S J5 . o ^ ■34SS ^5^ 'I, ^i ^ ^'^- Co •■ gt^ l§ O 3 g W g ;z; 2 ^: J pq g o ?2 cc K ^ OJ 1-5 H-5 B o W ^ u -^ U '^ P O ^ ^ S ^ ^ ^ 1^ ;z; 'A !§§ z' o H cfi i^ O -<; K s li^ a o §SS^ . ti ;? K <; o H Q O J^ IS fe !z: o ^^ Pi O H . H K m . • . W >< O) ;^- H EC ,/ 2 "i S a "-■ £ K H H g 2 S ^ fe ggggs^g^sss g ^g§s^^ to o t: g Eh M s = |.§t|S|sp§ 5a2PcoKWi<=;HHs)M't you think. Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentle- men by the fireside, wiih — three chairs and a bolster"? Hast. D — n your fireside ! Mar. (c.K And your three chairs and a bolster, sav I. Tony. You do, do you ] — then let me see — what — if you goon a mile further, to the Buck's Head 1 the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of th^ best inns in the whole country ? Hast. ho ! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, how- ever. Land, {apart to Tony, r.). Sure, you ben't sending them to your fiilier's as an inn, be you? Tony \ apart to Stingo). Mum, you fool you! Let them find that out. {to them\ You have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old house by the roadside. You'll see a pair of lar^e horns over the door — that's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stout'y about yon. Hast. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the way. Tow. No no; bnt I tell you though, the landlord is rich, and going to leave off business ; so he wants to be thought a gent'emar), saving your presence, he I he! he! Ha'U be for givmg you his company, and, ecod ! if you niiml him. he'll persuade you that his mother was an ald- erman, and his aunt a justice of peace. 13 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [ACT I Land. A troublesome old -blade, to be sure ; but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country. Mail (l. c). Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no further connection. We are to turn to the right, did you say 1 Tony (l. c). No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself and .show you a piece of the way. {to the Landlord, l.) IMuni ! Land. (l. c). Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant — d — d mis- chievous son of a [Exeunt, l. Landlord skipping, as Tony cuts at him with Ids whip. ACT IL SCENE I.— Parlor in Mr. Hardcastlk's house. The fire-place is richly carved, hut in old dark icood, all suggestive of solid comfort. Enter \lk^T)Cx?>TijV., followed hi/ Diggory and three or four awkward SERVANTS; L. 2 E. Mr. H. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table exercise 1 have been teachini^ you these three days. You all know your posts and youf. places, and can show that you have been used to good company, with- out stirring from home 1 All (r. and l.J, Ay ! ay ! Mi{. H. When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. Ar.L. No! no! ]Mr. H. You, Diggory, whom T have taken from the barn, are to make a show at the side table; and you, Koger, whom 1 have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand so. with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets, Roger ; and from your head, you blockhead you ! See how Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter. Diggory. Ay, mind how 1 hold them. I learned to hold my hands this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill Mr. H. You must not be so talkative, Diggorj^ ; you must be all attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talk- ing; you must see ns drink, and not think of drinking; you must see lis eat, and not think of eating. Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly unpossible. When- ever Diggoi\v sees yeating going forwards, ecod, he's always wishing for a mouthful himself! Mr. H. Blockhead! is not a bellyful in the kitchen as good as a bellyful in the parlor ? Stay your stomach with that reflection. Dig. Ecod, I thank your worship ; Til make a shift to stay my stom- ach with a slice of cold beef in the i)antry. Mr. H. Diogory, you are too talkative. Then if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good story, at table, you must not all burst out a- laughinii, as if you made part of the company. Dig. Then, ecod, your worship must not tell the story of old Grouse in the gunroom ; I can't help laughing at that — he, he, he ! — for the A ACT II. ] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. ' 19 soul of me. W© have laughed at that these twenty years — ha, ha, ha ! {cdl In iigh. ) Mr. H. Ha, ha, ha ! The story is a good one. Well, honest Diggory, you may laugli at that — but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you be- have 1 A glass of wine, sir, if you please, {to Diggory) Eh, why don't you move 1 Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought upon the table, and then I am as bauld as a lion. Mr. H. What, will nobody move 1 FiRVT Serv. I'm not to leave this place. Second ^erv. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. Third Serv. Nor mine, for sartin. Mr. H. You numskulls ! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for place, the guests must be starved 1 0, you dunces ! I find I must begin all over again, {hdl rinf/s, l.) But don't I hear a coach drive into the yard 1 To your i)osts, you blockheads I I'll go, iVthe meantime, and give my old friend's son a hearty welcome at the gate. [E.vit, L. * Dig. Zounds ! my place is gone clean out of my head. Fii;sT Serv. Where the devil is minel Second Serv. My place is to be nowhere at all ; so I'ze go about my business. [Exeunt Servants, runnmg about frigJitened, different ways. Enter Servants, with candles, shoicing in Marlow and Hastings, l. Serv. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome. This wa^^ Hast. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean room, and a good fiie. Upon my word, a very well-looking house; antique, but creditable. Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen a good side-board, or a marble chimney- piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame the bill confoundedly. Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all places. The only difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are fleeced and starved. Hast. You have lived pretty much among them. In truth I have been often surprised that you, who have seen so much of the world, with your natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance. Mar. The Enulishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could I have learned that assurance you talk of 7 My life has been chiefly spent in a college, or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the creation that chiefly teoch men confidence. 1 don't know that I was ever familiarly acquainted with a sinjile modest woman — except my mother. But among females of another class you know Ha some who, wanting a relish— for— um— a— urn— Mis^ II I understand vou, sir. There must be some who, wanting a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incapa- ble of tasting. , , , M\i: My "meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. MissH {aside). Who could ever suppose this gentleman impudent upotrsome occasions 1 {to Marlow) You were going to observe sir Mar. I was observing, madam— I protest, madam, I fo .get what 1 ^vas Miss H. (rises). Well, then, I'll follow, [Exit Maulow, r. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Was there ever such a sober, sentimental interview ? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the wliole time. Yet the fel- low, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence it would be doing somebody that I know a piece of service. But v.dio is that some- body 7 — that, faith, is a question I can scarce answer. [Exit, r. ' Enter Tony, icifh a jug of ale in Ms hand, and Miss Neville, r. Tony (r. ). What do you follow rae for, cousin Con 1 I wonder you're not ashamed to be so very engaging. Miss N, (r.>. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame. Tony (c). Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to malse me thoiish ; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do* so I beg you'll keep your distance ; I want no nearer relationship, [lie runs off, l. 1 e., she follows. Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Hastings, r. Mrs. H. (c). Well, I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. There's nothing in the world I like to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. Hast. (r. c). Never there ! You amaze me! From your air and maimer I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf. Mrs. H. 0, sir, you're only«pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all, I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighboring rustics ; but who can have a manner that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such jdaces where tlie nobility chieflj' resort? All I can do is to enjoy London at second-hand, I tal to make you look like a gentleman ? T'lNY. Ecod I I tell you I'll n >t i.ie made a fo'>1 of no longer. M 3. II. Wasn't it ail for vour good, viper 1 Wasn't it all for your go...(n Tony. I wi.sh you'd let me and my good alone then. Snubbing this way, when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good let it come of itself, not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. . 28 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. [aCT U. Mks. H. That's false ! I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to ihe ale-house or kennel. Vm never to be delight- ed Nvith your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster. Tony. Ecod I nuiiiiuui, your own notes are the wildest of the two. Mrs. H. (goes to Hastings, r. c, and pretends to weep). Was ever the H^e ! But 1 see he wants to break my heart, 1 see he does ! i^Toxy winks at Hastings.) H vST. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a lit- tle. I'm certain [ can per-ua'e \\.m to his duty. Mrs. H. (l.). Well, L must rcLire. Come, Constance, ray love. You see, iMr. Has-tings, the wretcliedness of my situation ; was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, i)rovoking, undutiful boy 1 [Exeunt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville, l. Tony (o ). Don't mind her, let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart, T have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together, and they said tiiey liked the book the better the more it made them cry. Hast. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, ray pretty young gentleman 1 Tony. That's as I find 'nra. Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer 1 And yet she appears to be a pietty, well-terapered girl. Tony. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod ! I know every inch about her ; and there's not a more bitter, cantancker- ous toad in ail Christendom. Hast, (aside). Pietty encourageraent this for a lover. Tony. I have seen her since t[ie height of that. Slie has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt in the first day's breaking. Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent. Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmates she's as loud as a hog in a gate. Hast. Well, but you mast allow her a little beauty. Yes, you must allow her some beauty. Tony. Bau'lbox ! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah, could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod ! she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pui[)it cushion. She would make two of she. Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bar- gain otFyour hands 1 Tony. Anon 1 Hast. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Betsy 1 Tony. Ay, but where is there such a friend, for who would take her 7 Hast. 1 am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her. Tony. Assist yowl Ecod I I will to the last drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, and maybe get you part of her fortin' beside, in jewels, that you little dream of. Hast. My dear 'Squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. ToN-i. Come along then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you have done with me. [Exeunt, l. Tony singing. curtain. ACT III.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 29 ACT III. SCENE I —Same as Scene I., Act 11. Enter Mr. Hakdcastle, r. Mu. H. (c). "What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recom- mending his son as the niodestest young man in town 7 To me he ap- pears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy-chair by the fireside already. He took off his boots in the parlor, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will certainly be shocked at it. Enter Miss Hardcastle, in second dress, l. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress as I bid you ; and yet, 1 believe, there was no great occasion. Miss H. (c). I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that 1 lake care to obseive them without ever debating their propriety. Mr. H. And yet, Kate, 1 sometimes give you some cause, particu- larly when I recommended mv modest gentleman to you as a lover to- day. Miss H. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find tlie original exceeds the description. Mr. H. I was never so surprised in my life ! He has quite con- founded all my faculties ! Miss H. 1 never saw anything like it; and a man of the world too. Mr H. Ay, he learned it all abroad. What a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade. Miss H. It seems all natural to him. Mr. H. a good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing- mnster. Miss H. Sure you mistake, papa; a French dancing-master could never have taught him that timid look — that awkward address — that bashful manner Mr. H. Whose look? whose manner, child? Miss H. Mr Marlow's; his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at the first sight. Mr. H. Then your first sight deceived you ; for I think him one of the most brazen first-sights that ever astonished my senses. Miss H. Sure, sir, you rally! 1 never saw any one so modest. Mr. H. And can you be serious / I never saw such a bouncing, swasgering -puppy since I was born. BuHv Dawson was but a fool to him.' Miss H. Surprising ! He met me with a resi)ectfal bow, a stammer- ing voice, and a look fixed on the ground. Mr. II. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that froze me to dealh. Miss H. He treated me with diffidence and respect ; censured the manners of the age ; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed ; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow. and. Madam, I would not for all the world detain you. {7nimick' ing Mahlgw.) Me. H. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before. Asked 30 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT HI. twenty questions, and never waited for an answer. Interrupted my best remarks witli some silly pun ; and when I was talking of tlie Duke of Marlborough and my friend B;o )ks. lie aske^l if I liail not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he a.'sked your father if he was a maker of punch ! Miss H. One of us must certainly be mistaken, Mk. H. In one thing, however, we are agreed — to rej 'ct him. Miss H. Yes ! But upon conditions. For if you sliould find him less impudent, and I more i)resuming ; if you find him more respectful, and i more importunate — I don't know — the man is well euougli for a man. Certain y he has a very passable complexion. Mr. H. If we should find him so— but that's impossible. The first ai)pearance has done my business ; I'm seldom deceived in that. Miss H. Then as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make further discoveries 1 Mr. H. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. Miss H. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt, l. Enter Tony, running in with a casket, k. Tony. Ecod ! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's neclilaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortin' neither. 0, my genus, is that you 1 Enter Hastings, r. Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother 1 I hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are willing to be reconciled at last. We shall be ready to set off in a short time. Tony. And here's something to bear your charges by the way. {giv- ing a casket) Your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang those, I say, that would rob you of one of them. Hast. But how have you procured them from your mother 1 Tony. Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the ale-house so often as I do 1 An honest man maj'^ rob himself of his own at any time. Hast. Thousands do it every day. Bat to be plain with you, Miss l^eville is endeavoring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining them. Tony. Well, keep them till you know how it will be. But I know how it will be well enough ; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in her head. Hast, But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she has lost them. Tony. Never you mind her resentment, leave me to manage that. I don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds ! here they are ! Morrice — Prance ! {sits at a table near the flat.,) [Exit Hastings, r. Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville, r. Mrs. H. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me; such a girl as you want jewels 1 It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. ^CT III.] SHE STOOl-S TO CONtiUBK. '^^ M,ss N. (c). But what will repair beauty at forty will certainly im- ^''Tft -' H 'vXi'mM can admit of none. That natural blush is Mks. H. iuuib, iny t'^'" J-' T. ; , . pi,ii,i jewels are quite out at „ey„na a ^^^'^r^!; ^'^S tbe^ it if our' icquaintanc'e u,y Lady ISrci; ;r,»^ au^ M- Cnuup and the rest of then, carj,- then- jewels 'rr/'i t w^:'^t';;i,sr.r^^^^^^^^^ -?T'i^';s.";^:vr'^aS;;;^!;e:^^s-s:"^^^ r ^ ^^ve« V uwmtanf better sparklers. (.■«« Tost) Wljatdo you r'i'ik Ti";™; .re'^oes yourcoLin Con want any jewels, u, your eves, to set off her beauty ? Tony (ris^'nr/^. ThaLs as hereafter may be. r l^y!s-''^i:^SiSri^7s];i:^tii;^..y MuS. H. A P^^ce o Solomon at a puppet show. B^tllrf beIi::erca!;!Meadiirci- at the,u. They n.ay be n.issi„g 1',:: x::^i^^^"'^^^^^°^^-^ -^ '° "^- "" ""It H f^nnrt to ToNV I,.). You know, my dear, I'm only keepii.g tVm?o,yo^^^So,?f I'aytiley're gone, you'll bear me wtness, w.ll ^■"toU'1%- H-fNever tear me. Ecod ! .'ll say I saw them taken out „.itl, n,y own eyes ^^^^^^ j,,,^ ^^ ^e per- ,,rif^;f^f,{m;feUcs,and.^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mas. H (croma to c). ^o be P'^">^'^ J ,- „,,,,; j assure ;.„r"Lost' r ouiri^'Zw /b^t r^ust haL patience wherever they are^^ ^^^ ^ 3,,3„o„ pretence to deny ,„e''"l know Ih^v-r't .^iuible to be so slightly kept, and as you are '° MrrH '°Don''t brai;;^.ed. Constance. If they be lost I »-' '-'0,. not to be found, I'll take my oath on't j^^^ .,„?.t.ti^e,^;et rstXoUrorpItiir -/ee me, irow calm I ■^■"m,.s N. Ay, people are .generally calm at the m.f^u,,es^^^ othe,..^ Mrs H. Now, I wonder a S'^' ^* .^^^ '' f!'^^ ^,^,1 ^^,^,,,. and, in the ;;;:"r;'';r:ifaurrSeol^:,y1"^^^^^^^^^ ■"tit-s'V.V.). I<'«te«'S--^S.'^rtheS to setoff a clear co^!:fe^L^'''utav'^x:;"i::h:;:^veiu^^^^ ^'■^^;,:rN.'I^'^slike them of an things, you sh.,;t stn. Was ever anylhin:! so provoking, to mislay my """ £;j;!^i„'," „,bdc*st.e, n. t; uuipeiy ! ^ 7 ^ -n^n'r \L n fool If she gives you the J.:^:&:^'^<^'^^: ^;;'j^::if^e your own already. 1 32 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEB. [aCT III. have stolen them out of her bureau and she does not know it. Fly to your spark — he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. Miss N. My dear cousin ! Tony. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds ! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catharine wlieel ! [Exit Miss Neville, l. Enter Mrs. Hardcastle, r., screaming. Mrs. H, Confusion ! thieves ! robbers ! We are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone! Tony (c). Wnat's the matter, what's the matter, mamma 1 I hope notliing has liappened to any of the good family ! Mrs H. We are robbed. My bureau has been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm undone. Tony. Oh, is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it betier acted in my life. Ecod ! I thought you was ruined in earnest. Ha! ha! ha! Mrs. H Wliy, boy, I am ruined in earnest. My bureau has been broken open, and all taken away. Tony. Stick to that; ha! ha I ha! stick to that; I'll bear witness, you know ; call me to bear witness. Mrs. H. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels are gone, and I shall be ruined forever. Tony. Suie I know they are gone, and I'm to say so. Mrs. H. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. Tony. By the laws, mamma, yon make nift for to laugh ; lia ! ha ! ha ! I know who took them well enough ; ha ! ha ! ha ! Mrs. H. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the differ- ence between jest and eainest ? I tell you I'm not in jest, booby. Tony. That's light, that's right ; you must be in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone. Mrs. H. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that won't hear me ] Can yon bear witness that you're no better than a fool 1 Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on the one hand, and thieves on the other ? Tony. T can bear witness to that. Mrs H. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her 1 Do you laugh, you unfeeling biute, as if you enjoyed my distress % Tony. I can bear witness to that. Mrs, H. Do yon insult me, monster 1 I'll teach you to vex your uioLher, I will. Here ! thieves ! thieves ! thieves ! thieves ! [He runs off, l 1 e., she follows him. Enter Mi s Hardcastle and Maid, l. Miss H. (c). What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to send them to the house as an inn ; ha ! ha ! I don't wonder at his impudence. Maid (c.). But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you ])assed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar- maid. He mistook you for the bar-maid, madam. Miss H. Did he 1 Then as I live I'm resolved to keep up the delu- ACT III. ] SHE STQOPS TO COXQITER. 33 sion. Tell me, Dolly, liow do you like my piesent dress 1 Don'f, you think 1 look someLliing like Ciieny in the Beau's Stratagem 1 Maid, it's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but wlien she visits or receives company. Miss H. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person ] Maid. Certain of it Mif^s H. I vow I thouglit so; for though we spoke for some time together, j'et his fears were such that be never once looked up durincr the interview. Maid. But what do you hope for from keeping him in his mistake 1 Miss H. In the first place, I shall be seen, and that is no small ad- vantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall perhaps make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over one who never addresses any but the vilest of her sex. But my chief aim is to take luy gentleman off his guard, and, like aw invincible champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to combat. Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person 1 Miss H. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar cant — " Did your honor call 1" — '* Attend the Lion there " — ' Pipes and tobacco for the Angel " — " The Lamb has been outrageous this half hour " Maid. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Bxit, l. Enter Mari.ow, l. Mar. What a bawling in every part of the house ! I have scarce a moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and his story. If I fiy to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her courtesy down to the gcound. I have at last got a moment to myself, and now for recollection, {walks and muses.) Miss H. {following, him about). Did you call, sir ? did your honor call ? Mar. {musing). As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and senti- mental for me Miss H. Did your honor call 1 {s7ie still places herself before him ; he turns aicay.) Mar. No, child, {musing) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her I think she squints. Miss H. I am sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. Mar. No, no. (musing) I have pleased my father, however, by com- ing down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning, {taking oat his tablets and perusing.) Miss H. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir. Mar. No, no, I tell you. (looks full in her face) Yes, child, I think T did call. I wanted — I wanted — I vow, child, you are vastly hand- some. Mi^s II. 0. la, sir, you'll make one ashamed Mar. Never saw a more sprishtly, malicious eye. Yes, yes. my dear, I did call. Have you got any of your — a— what d'ye call it in the hou'^e ? Mrss H. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. Map.. One may call in this house. I find, to very little purpose. Siij)- pose I should call for a taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your lips; ])eihaps I might be disappointed in that too. Mss H. Nectar ! nectar! that's a liquor theres no call for in these parts. French, I suppose. We keep no French wines here, sir. 3 J: SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IH. Mar. Of true English gvou-th, I assure you. Miss H. Tlien it's odd I sliould not know it. We brew all sorts of wines in this liouse and I have lived here these eighteen yi ars. Mau. Eighteen years ! Why, one would think, child, you kejjt the bar before you were born. How old are you 1 Miss H. 0, sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music slxurd never be dated. Mar,. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above foity. {rij)- jyroachinff} Yet neaiei-, I don't think so much, {cqiproaching) By com- ing close to some wo:!i<^n tlipy look younger still ; but when we come very close indeed — iattemptiiig to kiss her.) Miss H. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to know one's age as they do horses, by mark of mouth. Mar. I protest, child ; you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this distance, how is it possible you and I can be ever acquainted ? Miss H. And who wants to be acquainted with you 1 I want no such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrant me, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and talked for all the worid as if you was befoie a justice of the peace. Mau [aside). Egad ! she has hit it, sure enough, {to Miss Hardcas- tle i In awe of her, child 1 Ha, ha, ha! A mere awkward, squinting thing ; no, no ! I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her a little ; but 1 was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me ! Miss H. Oh ! then, sir, you are a favorite, I find among the ladies 1 Mar. Yes, my dear, a great favorite; and yet hang me, I don't see what they find in me to follow. At the ladies' club in town, I am called their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one I in known by. My name is Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins, my dear, at your ser- vice, (offcrinr/ to salute her. ) Miss II. Held, sir ! you were Introducing me to your club, not to yourself. And you're so great a favorite there, you sayl Mar. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the Countess of Cog, Mrs. Longhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. Mis- H. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose ' Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, suppers, wine, and old women can make us. Miss H. And their agreeable Rattle! Ha, ha, hal Mar. {aside). Egad! 1 don't quite like this chit. She looks know- ing methinks. (aloud ) You laugh, child ! Mi s H. I can't but laugh, to think what time they all have for mind- ing their work or their family. Mar. (aside'i. All's well, she don't laugh at me. (to Miss Hardcas- tle) Do you ever work, child 1 .Miss H. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or quilt in the whole bouse but what can bear witness of that. Mar. Od-so ! Then you must show me your embroidery. I em- broider and draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work you must apply to me. {seizing her hand.) Miss H. Ay, but the colors don't look well by candle-light. You shall see all in the morning, {struggling.) M.\R And why not now, my angeH Pshaw! the landlord hei-el My good luck ! [Exit, l. IV.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER, 35 Enter Mr. Hardcastle, r., icho stands in sjnyrise* Mr. H So, madam! so I find this is j-oiir modest lover. This is your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to de- ceive youi- father so ] Mis H. Never trust me, dear papa, but lie's still the moilest man I first, too . Ii'mi for; you'll be convince! of it as well as I. Mil. II liy the hand of my l)o ly, I believe his impudence is infec- tious ! Didn't I see hini seize your hand I Didn't I see him haul you about like a milk-maid 1 and now you talk of his respect and his mod- esty, forsooth ! Miss H. But if I shortly convince you of his modest}', that he has only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will im- prove with age, I hope you'll forgive him. Mr. H I tell you 1 11 not be convinced. I am convinced. He has scarcely been three hours in the house, and he has already encroached, on all my prerogative.^. Miss H. Sir, L ask but this night to convince you. Ma. H. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of turn- ing him out this very hour. Miss H Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. Mr II. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'D have no trifling with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me? Miss H. I hoi)e, sir. you have ever found that I considered your com- mands as my pride ; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has been inclination '? [Exeunt Mu.- Hardcastle and Miss Hardcastle, l. ACT IV. SCENE I.— Same as Scene I., Act II. Enter 'Mk'R-Lovf,folloiDed hy a Servant, r. Mar. 1 wonder what Hastings could mean b}' sending me so valua- ble a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he laiows the only place I luive is the seat of a i)ost-coach at an inn door. Have you deposited the casket with the landlady, as 1 ordered you] Have you put it into hei- own hands ? Serv. (l.). Yes, your lionor. ♦Maii. She said she'd keep it safe, did she ? Serv. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came by it ? and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of myself. [Exit Servant, r. Mar. (c.j. Ha, lia, ha! They're safe, however. What an unac- countable set of beings have we got amourist! This little bar-maid though runs in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of the family ; she's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly mistaken. * The remaiudei of this Act was omitted at Wallack's Theatre. 36 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. Enter Hastings, l. Hart. Cl.). Marlow here, and in spirits too ! ]\Iar Give me joy, George! Crown nie ! shadow me with lanrels ! Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for success among the women. Hast. Some women, you mean. But what success lias your honor's modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? Mar. (c). Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lively little thing that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle ? Hast. Well, and what then ^ Mar. She's mine, you rogue, you ! Such fire, such motion, such eyes, such lips — but egad! she would not let me kiss them though. Hast. But are you sure, so very sure of her ? Mar. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and I'm to approve the pattern. Hast. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of hei- honor 1 Mar. Pshaw ! Pshaw 1 We all know the honor of the bar-maid of an inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's noth- ing in the house I shan't honestly pay for. Hast. I believe the girl has virtue. Mar. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that would attempt to corrupt it. Hast. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock npV Is it in safety 7 Mar. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn door a place of safety % Ah, numskull ! I have taken better precautions for you than you did for yourself — I have HAsr. What? Mar. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. Hast. To the landlady 1 Mar. The landlady. Hast. You did 1 M.\R. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, yon know. Hast. Yes, she'll bring it forth, with a witne.ss. Mar. Wasn't I right; I believe you'll allow that I acted prudently upon this occa ion 1 Hast, (aside). He must not see my uneasiness. Mar You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure noth- ing has happened ? Hast. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook the charge 1 Mar. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. {lavghinc/) Ha, ha, ha ! Hast, (laughing). Ha, ha, ha ! They're safe, however. Mar. As a suinea in a miser's purse. Hast. (asicUX So now all hopes of fortune are at an eml, and we must set off without it. (to MarlowM Well, Charles, I'll leave you to your meditations on the pretty l)ai--maid, and — UmgJiing) ha, ha, ha! if you are as successfnl for yourself as you have been for me Mar. What then % ACT IV. J SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 37 Hast. Why, then I wish .vou joy with all my hoart [Exit Hasttkgs, l. Marlow sits in the background. Enter Hardcastle, l. Mr. H. T no longer know my own house. It's turned all topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no longer — and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm, [to jMARLOw)"Mr. Marlow, your servant, {bowing low) I'm your very humble servant. [Uikes a chair and sits.) Mar. Sir, your humble servant, (aside) What's to be the wonder now 1 Mr. H. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir ? I hope you think ^o 1 Mar. I do, from my soul, sir. 1 don't want much entreaty. I gener- ally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. Mr. H. (rises). I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But thonoh I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insuffcirable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you. Mar. I protest, my very good sir, that's no fault of mine; if they don't drink as they ought they are to blan)e. 1 ordered them not to spare the cellar. I did I assure you. (calling off, l.) Here, let one of my servants come up. (to Hardcastle) My i)Ositive directions were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for m}' deficiencies below. Mr. H. Then they have your orders for what they do ! I'm satis- fied ! Mar. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of them- selves. Enter Servant, drunk, l. You, Jeremy, come forward, sirrah ! what were my orders ? Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good of the house 1 Mr. H {aside). I begin to lose my patience. Serv. (l.). Please your honor, liberty and Fleet Street for ever ! Tl)ough I am but a servant. I ni as good as another man. I'll drink for no man before supper, sir d — e ! Good liquor will sit upon a good sup- per, but a good supper will not sit upon — hiccup — upon my conscience, sir. [Exit, l. Mar. [rises and comes forward). You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he possibly can be ; I don't know what youd have moie, unless you'd have the poor devil soused in a beer-barrel. Mr. H. (aside). Zounds ! He'll drive me distracted if I contain my- self any longer, [aloud) Mr. Marlow, sir, I have submitted to your in- solence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end I'm now resolved to be master here, sir, and I desire that you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly. Mar. Leave your house! Sure you jest, my good friend 1 What I whet) I'm doing what I can to please you ] Mr. H. I tell you, sir, you don't please me ; so I desire you'll leave my house. Mar. (r. c). Sure you cannot be serious"? At this time of night, and such a night! You only mean to banter me 1 Mr. H. (r.). I tell you, sir, I am serious ; and now that my passions 33 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. are roused, I say thiR house is mine, sir, this house is mine, and I com- mand you to leave it directly. Mah. I sliau't stir a step, I assure you. {in a serious tone) This your house, fellow y it's my house. This is my liouse. Mine while I choose to stay. What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir ] I never met with such impudence, curse me, never in my wliole life before. Mil. II. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to ray house to call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me " this house is mine, sir " By all that's impudent, it makes me laush. Ha, ha, lia ! Pray, sir, {bantering) as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture'? There's a pair of silver candle- sticks, and there are a set of prints too. What think you of The Rake's Progiess for your own apartment "? m'^vr. Bring me your bill, I say ; and I'll leave you and your infer- nal house directly. Mr. H.' Then there's a mahogany table, that you may see your face in. Mak. My bill, I say. Mr. H. 1 had forgot the great chair, for your own particular slum- bers, after a hearty meal. Mar Zounds ! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't. Mr. H. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me I was taught to expect a well-bred, modest man, as a visitor here, but now I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully ; but he will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit. l. Mar How's this! Sure I've not mistaken the house? Everything looks like an inn. The servants cry, Coming ; the attendance is awk- ward ; the bar-maid too to attend us. But she's here, and will further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. Enter Miss Hardcastle, l. ■ Miss H. Let it be short then. I'm in a hurry. Mar. (c). Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may your business in this house be ] Miss H, A relation of the family, sir. Mar. What ! A poor relation ? Miss H. Yes, sir. A poor re'ation appointed to keep the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. Mar. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn 1 Miss H. Inn! law ! What brought that in your head 1 One of the best families in the country keep an inn! {laughing) Ha, ha, ha! old Mr. Hardcastle's house an iim ! Mar. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this house Mr. Hardcastle's house, child ] Miss H. Ay, sure. Whose else should it be? Mar. So then all's out. and I have been d y imposed on. 0, con- found my stupid head ! I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I shall be "stuck up in caricatures in all the i)rint shops. The Dullissimo Maccaroni ! To mistake this Uouse of all others for an inn, and my father's old friend for an inn-keeper. What a swaggering puppy must he take me for \ What a silly i)uppy do I find myself! There again, may I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. Miss H. Dear me! Dear me ! I'm sure there's nothing in my be- havior to p\it me upon a level with one of that stamp. Mar. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of blun- ACT IV. ] SHE STOOrS TO CONQUER. 39 d-^.-s, ami couM not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw cv<'iy liiiii^ the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, an I yoiii- simplicity for allurement. But it's over. This house I no ii)() -o show my face in. Miss K. I hoi)e, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you? I'm sure 1 should be sorry to aflfVont any gentleman who has1)eeii so polite, and said so many civil things to me. I ni sure I should be sorry — ; pntendinj to cry) if lie left the family upon my acctniiit. I'm sure J should be soi i y jieople said anything amias since 1 have no fortune bur, my character. IM.vii {aside >. By Heaven, she weeps ! This is the first mark of len- diMiiess 1 evei- had from a modest woman, and it toucli'^s me Miss H. But 1 m sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's, and lliough I'm i)oor, that's no great misfortune to a contpnted mind, and until this moment I never thought it was bad to want fortune. Mar. And why now, my pi-etty simi)licity ? Miss II. Because it puis me at a distance from one, that if I had a thi'usand p(nnid I would give it all to. Mak. {aside). This simplicity bewitches me so that if I slay I'm un- dosie. I must, make one bold effort and leave Ikm-. {a:. >ad ) Your par- tiality in my favor, my dea;-, touches me most sensibly : ami were I to live for myself alone, I could easily Sx my ch .ic;'. But to be plain with you, the difference of our biith, foi tune, and ediioaiion make an honoiable connection impossible ; and I can never haiito.- a thought of seducing simi)Iicity, that trusted in my honor ; or bringing ruin upon one whose oidy fault was being too lovely. [Exit, r. Miss H. Generous man ! I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not go if I have power or art to detain him. I'll slill preserve the character in which I stoo])ed to conquer, but will undeceive my papa, who, perhaps, may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit, l. Bute?' ToxY and Miss Neville, r. Tony. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time ; I have done my duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing ; but she believes it was all a mistake of the servants. Miss N. But my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this dis- tress y If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall certainly be locked up, or sent toni)'- aunt Pedigree's, which is ten times worse. Tony. To be sure, aunts of all kind are d — d bad things. But what can I do 1 I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like whistle- jacket, and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a little more, for fear she should suspect us. {they retire up, sit, and seem to fondle) Enter Mrs. Hakdcastle, l. Mrs. H. (r.). Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. Butmy son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, how- ever, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own fortune. {sees them) But what do 1 see ! Fondling together, as I'm alive ! I never saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah, have I caught you, my pretty doves ! What billing, exchanging stolen glances, and broken murmurs, ah ! {they rise and come forward.) Tony. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then to be sure. But there's no love lost between us. 40 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. Mrs. H. a mere sprinkling, Tonj', upon the flame only to make it burn brighter. Miss N. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin Tony, will it 1 Tony. O, it's a pretty creature. ^No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a pond, tlian leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you so becoming. Miss N. Agreeable cousin ! who can help admiring that natural humor, thaL pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless — ( patting his cheek) Ah, it's a bold face. Mrs. H. Pretty innocence ! Tony. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con's hazle eyes, and her pretty long fingers, tliat she twists this way and that over the haspi- cholls, like a parcel of bobbins. Mrs. H. Ah, he would charm the bird from the tree. 1 never was so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr, Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con, shall be yours incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear? You shall be mar- ried to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his education, like Dr. Drowsey's sermons, till a fitter opportunity. Enter Dig gory, r. Dig. Where's the 'Squire 1 I have got a letter for your worship. Tony. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. Dig. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. ToxY. Who does it come from 1 Dig. Your worship mun ask that of the letter itself. [Exit, R. Tony. I could wish to know, though, {turning the letter and gazing on it. ) Miss N. [aside). Undone undone ! A letter to him from Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. {to Mrs. Hakdcastle) But I liave not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed. You must know, ma'am — this way a little, for he must not hear us. {they sit and confer in the hackground ) Tony {in the c. of the fore-ground, still gazing). A d — d cramji piece of penmanship as ever I saw in my life. I can read your print-hand very well. But here there are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head from tail. " To Anthony Lumpkin, Esq." It's very odd, I can read the oiitside of my letteis, where my own name is, well enough ; but when 1 come to open it, it's all — buzz. That's hard, very hard ; for the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. Mrs. H. [laughing). Ha, ha, ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was iuo hard for the philosopher 1 Miss N. Yes, madam ; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled him ngain. Mrs. H He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. Tt)NY {still gazing). A d — d up-and-down hand, as if it was disguised in liquor, [reading) " Dear sir." Ay, that's that. Then there's an M, and a T, and an S. but whether the next be an izzard or an R, confound me, I cannot tell, {thei/ rise and come foricard ) Mks. H. (r. c.).« What's that, my dear 1 Can I give you any assis- tance 1 ACT IV.] SHE STOOrS TO COXQUEE. 41 Miss N. {hetioeen them). Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better than I. {tiritcJiing the letter from her) Do you know who it is from 1 Tony. Can't tell, except IVom Dick Ginger, tlie feeder. Miss N Ay, so it is. [jJretendirtf/ to read) " Dear 'Squire. Hoping that you're in health, as 1 am at this i)resent. Tlie gentlemen of the Sliake-bag club has cut the gentlemeir of the Goose-green quite out of tVatlier. The odds — nm — osld hattle — nm — long fighting — um.' Heie, here! it's all about ct)cks, and fifjhtiug ; it's of no consequence — here, put It up, nut it up. {thrm^ting the crumpled letter upon him.) Tony. But I tell you. Miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. r would not lose tiie rest of it for a guinea! Here, mother, do you make it out. Of no' consequence ! {(jiving Mrs. Haudcastle tJte let- ter \ Mrs H. How's this ? (reads) '• Dear Squire, I am now waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the boctom of the gar- den, but I find my horses yet unable to perform their journey. (Tony goes to the background and sits) I expect you'll assist us with a i>air of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is iiecessary, as the hag (ay, the hag), your mother, will otherwise suspect us. Yours, Hast- ings." Grant me patience 1 I shall run distracted ! My rage chokes me ! Miss N. (c.) I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister de- sign, that belongs to another. Mrs. H. {courtesying very loic, c). Fine spoken, madam; you are most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy and circumspection, madam, [turns to Tony, changing her tone) And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut — were you too joined against me 1 But I'll defeat ail your plots in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to disap])oint them. So, if you please, instead of running away with your si)ark, i)repare, this very moment to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory ! I'll show you that I wish you better than you do yourselves, {Exit, r. Mi>s N. So, now I'm completely ruined. To.vY [risps and advances) Ay, that's a sure thing. Mi>s N. What better could be expected from being connected with such a stupid fool, and after all the nods and signs I made him 1 Tony. By the laws. Miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with vour Shake-bags, and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe. Enter Hastings, r. Hast. So, sir, I find by ray servant, that you have shown my letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman 1 Tony. Here's another. Ask Miss there who betrayed you. Ecod! it was her doing, not mine. Enter Marlow, l. Mar. So, I have been finely used here among you. Rendered con- temptible, driven into ill-manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. 42 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER [aCT TV. Toxv. Here's Liuother. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose pres- cniiv. MiS3 N. And there, sir, is the geutleman, to whom we all owe every <)"'-lic(aLion. Mar. What can 1 say to Iiitn, a mere booby, an idiot, whose ignor- ance and age are a protection. Hast. A poor contemptib.e booby, that would but disgrace correc- tion. Miss N. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry ^vith all our embarrassments. Hast. An insensible cub ! Mar. Replete with tricks and mischief. Tony. Baw ! d e, hut I'll fight you both one after the other — with baskets. Mar. As for liim, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive me. Hast. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for explanations 1 It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. Mar But sir Mres N Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was too late to undeceive you. Be pacified Enter Diggory, l Dig. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We are to go thirty mile before morning. [Exit, l. Miss N. Well, well ; I'll come presently. 0, Mr. Marlow, if you knew wh.at a scene of constraint and ill-nature lies before me. I'm sure it would convert your resentment into pity. Mar. 1 ni .'^o distracted with a variety of passions that I don't know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. Hast. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. Miss N. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years will but increase the happiness of our furure connection. If Mrs. H. (zcitJiin) Miss Neville, Constance! why, Constance, I say I Miss N. I'm coming. Well, constancy. Remember, constancy is the ■word. [Exit, l. j\Iar. {to ToxyV You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your folly. What might be amusement to you is here disappointment, and even distress. Tony {from a reverie). Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your hands. Yours, and yours, my poor Sulky. My boots there, ho ! Meet me two hours hence at the bottom of the garden, and if you don t find Tony Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. [Exeunt, Tony singing merrily, b. ACT v.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. 43 ACT V. SCENE l.—Same as Act II., Scene L Enter Sir Charles Marlow and Mr. Hardcastle, r. Mr. H. [laiigMngy Ha, ha, ha ! The peremptory tone in wLicli lie sent forth his sublime commands ! Sir Charles. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your advances ! Mr. H. And yet he might have seen something in me above a co)n- mon inn-kee{)er, too. Sir C. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon inn-keeper, lia, ha, lia ! Mr. H. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal friendship hereditary ; and though my daughter's fortune is but small Sir C. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune tome? My son is pos- sessed of more than a competence aheady, and can want nothing but a good and virtuous girl to share bis ha[)piness and increase it. If they like each other, as you say tbey do • Mr. H. If, man ! I tell you they do hke each other. My daughter as good as told me so. Sir C. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know 7 Mil. H. I saw him grasp lier hand in the warmest manner myself ; and here he comes to put you out of your " ifs," I warrant you. Enter Marlow, l. Mar. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. jNIr. H. Tut, boy, a trifle. You take it too gravely. An hour or two's laughing with my daughter w\\\ set all to rights again. She'll never like you the worse for it. MAii. Sir. i shall be always ])roud of her approbation. Mr. H. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow ; if I am not deceived, you have something more than appiobation thereabouts. You take me y M.\i{. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. Mr H. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what, as well as you ti)at are younger. I know what has passed between you ; but mum. Mar. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reseive on hers. You don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family 1. Mr H. Impudence! No, I don't say that. Not quite imi)udence. Though girls like to be played with, and rumpled too sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. Mar. May I die, sir. if I ever Mr. H. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm siu-e you like her Mau. But why won't you hear mel By all that's just and true, I never gave Miss Hardca'^stle the slightest mark of my attachment, or 4^ i'^iiE yroops to conquee. [act v. ev^eii the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. Mk. H. (aside). This fellow'.s formal, modest impudence is beyond bearins. Sir C. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations 1 M\R As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your commands. 1 saw the lady witiiout emotion, and })arted without reluc- tance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent me Irom leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications. [Exit, L. Sir C. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted. Mr H. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his assur- ance. Sir C. I dare pledge my life and honor upon his truth. Mr. H. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon her veracity. Enter Miss Hardcastle, r. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely, and without reserve ; has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection ? Miss H. The question is very abrupt, sir ! But since you require unreserved sincerity, I think he has. Mr. H. \to Sir Charles). You see! Sir C. And pray, madam, have you and ray son had more than one interview ?- Miss H. Yes, sir, several. Mr. H. {to Sir Charles). You see I Silt C. But did he profess any attachment 1 Miss H. A lasting one. Siu C. Did he talk of love ^ Miss H. Much, sir! Sir C. Amazing ! And all this formally'? Miss H. Formally. •Mi;. H. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. Sir C. (l. c). And how did he behave, madam 1 Miss H. (c ). As most professed admirers do. Said some civil things of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and tlie greatness of mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with pretended rapture Sir C. Now, I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his conversa- tion among women to be modest and submissive. This forward, cant- ing, ranting manner by no means describes him, and I'm confident he never sat for the picture. Miss H. Then what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my sincerity. 1 If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will follow my directions, you shall hear him declare his i)assion to me in person. Sir C Agreed. And if I find him wliat you describe, all my happi- ness in him must have an end. [Exeunt Sir Charles ^Marlow. and Mr. Hardcastle, r. Miss H. And if you don't find him what I describe, I fear my hnp})i- ness must never have a beginning. [Exit, l. SCENE II. — Garden and small parh in rear of Mr. Hardcastle"s mansion, l. c. and l., treeb and ornamental sliriihhcry. On r. c. and 2 B , a tree, looking rudelij like a man icith arm extended, holding a pistol. Enter Hastings, l. ACT v.] SHE STOOrS TO CONQUEIt. 45 Hast. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who prohobly takes a delight in mortifying? me 1 He never intended to be jjiuiclual, and I'll wait no longer. What do I see 1 It is he, and perhaps with news of my Constance ! Enter Tony, hooted and spattered icith dirt, r. My honest 'Squire, I now find you a man of your word. This looks like friendship. Tony. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you hare in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by-the-bye, is cursedly tire- some. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. Hast. Weil, but where have you left the ladies 1 1 die with impa- tience, Tony. Left them 7 Why, where should I leave them, but where I found thein 1 Hast. This is a riddle. Tony. Riddle me this then. What's that goes.round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house 1 Hast. I'm still astray. Tony. Why, that's it, mun I have led them astray. By jin^o, there's not a pond or slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste of. Hast. Ha, ha, ha! I understand; you took them in a round, while they supposed themselves going forward. And so you have at last brought them home again. Tony. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed-lane, where we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of Ui)-and-down-Hill — I then introuuced them to the gibbet on Crackskull Common, and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodiied tliem in the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. Hast. But no accident, I hope 1 Tony. No, no! only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey, and the cattle can scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge an incii to fol- low you. Hast. My dear friend, how can I be grateful 1 Tony. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'Squire. Just now it was all idiot, cub, and run me through the body. I) — n your way of fighting. I say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and he friends. But if you had run me through the body, then I should be dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. Hast. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville ; if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young one. [Exit, i:. Tony. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from the pond, and draggled up to the waist like a merniaid. Enter Mrs. Hardcastle, l. u. e Starjc dark. Mrs. H. 0, Tony, I'm killed. Shook, battered to death. I shall never survive it. That last jolt has done my business. Tony. Alack, mamma, it "was all your own fault. You would be for running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. Mrs. H. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many ficci- dents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a 46 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT V. ditch, stuck fast in a slcugli, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our wa}'. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony 1 i'oNT. By my guess, we should be upon Heavytree Heath, about forty miles from home. Mrs H. lud ! lud ! the most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. ToxY. Don't be afraid, mannua, don't be afraid ! two of the five that kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be afraid. Is that a man that's galloping behind us 1 No ; it's only a tree. Don't be afraid. Mrs. H. The fright will certainly kill me. Tony. Do you see anything lilie a black hat moving behind the thicket? Mrs. H. 0, death! Tony. No : it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mother ; don't be afraid. Mrs. H. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah ! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. Tony {aside). Father-in-law. by all that's unlucky, come to take one of his night walks, {to Mrs. H.vi.dcastle Ah, it's a highwayman, with pistols as long as my arm. A d — d ill-looking fellow. Mrs. H. Good Heaven defend us ! He approaches I Tony. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage him. If there be any danger, I'll cough and cry hem 1 When I cough be sure to keep close. (,Mrs. Hardcastle 7iides behind a tree, l. u. e.) Enter Mr. Hardcastle, r. Mr. H. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh, Tony, is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and her charge in safety 1 Tony. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem ! Mrs. H. {from her retreat). Ah, death; I find there's danger. Mr. H. Forty miles in three hours ! sure that's too much, my young- ster. Tony. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. Hem ! Mrs. H. {from behind the tree). Sure he'll do the dear boy no harm ! Mr. H. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from whence it came. Tony. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty miles in three hours was very good going. Hem ' As to be sure it was. Hem ! I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We"ll go in, if you please. Hem ! Mr. H. But if you talked to yourself, you did not answer your.-^elf. I am certain 1 heard two voices, and am resolved — {raising his voice') to find the other out. Mrs. H. {running foricard from behind). 0, lud ! he'll niurder my poor boy, my darling. Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me Take my money, life, but spare that young gentleman, spare my child, if you have any mercy I Mr. H. My wife, as I ama Christian ! From whence can she come, or what does she mean ' Mrs. H. {kneeling). Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman ! Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our lives. We ACT V.j SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEE. 47 will never oring you to justice, indeed we won't, good Mr. Highway- man ! Mr. H. I believe the woman's out of her senses. What, Dorothy, don t you know me 1 !Mks. H. Mr. Hardcastle, as I live ! My fears blinded rae. But wlio, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this frightful place, so fir from home 1 What has brouglit you to follow us 7 Mii. H. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits 1 So far Horn home, when you are wilhin forty yards of your own door, {to Toxy) This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (to Mrs Hard- castle) Don't you know the gate, and the mulberrytree ; and don't you remember the horsepond, my dear? Mi;s. H. Yes, I shall remember the horsepond as long as I live ; I have caught my death in it. {to Tony) And is it to you, you graceless varlet, I owe all this 1 I'll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. Tony. Ecod ! mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so you may take tlie fruits on't. Mrs. H. {followiiiy). I'll spoil vou, I will. . [Exeunt, r. SCENE III.— Same as Act L, Scene L Enter Sir Charles Marlow and Miss Hardcastle, l. Sir C. What a situation am I in 1 If what you say appears, I shall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then lose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. Miss H. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit it, if you will conceal yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear his ex-, plicit declaration. But he comes. Sir C. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. [Exit Sir Charles, l. c. Enter Marlow, l. Mar, (l.). Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take leave ; nor did I till this moment know the pain I feel in the sep- aration. ]\Iiss H. (in lier own manner). I believe these sufferings cannot be very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or two longer perhaps might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the little value of what you think proper to regret. Mar. {aside, l. c). This girl every moment improves upon me. (aloud) It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with my heart. My very pride begins to submit to my passion ; and noth- ing can restore me to myself but this painful effort of resolution. Miss H. (c). Then go, sir. I'll urge nothing more to detain you. Though my family be as good as her's you come down to visit, and my education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without equal affluence ? I must remain contented with the slight approbation of imputed merit ; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, while all your serious aims are fixed on fortune. Enter Mr, Hardcastle and Sir Charles Marlow, d. c, and remain unseen hy Marlow. Mar. By Heavens, madam, fortune was ever my smallest considera- tion. Your beauty at first caught my eye ; for who could see that without emotion 1 But every moment that I converse with you steals 4:8 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT V. in some new grace, lieiglitens the picture and gives it stronger expres- sicii. Wiiat at fir.^.t seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined sim- ])iiciLy. Vvluit seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as the result t)t' cuuraueous innocence and conscious virtue — I am now determined to say, madam, and I have too "ood an opinion of my father's discern- ment, when he sees you, to doubt his approbation. Miss H No Mr. Marlow ; I wll! not, caimot detain you. Do you think I couUl suffer a connection in which there is the smallest room for repentance? Do you think i would take the mean advantage of a transient passion, to load you with confusion 1 Do you think I could ever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours 1 Do you think I could ever catch at the confident addresses of a secure ad- mirer 1 Mar. {kneeling). Does this look like security 1 Does this look like confidence 1 No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, only serves to increase my diflfidence and confusion. Here let me con- tinue Sir C. I can hold it no longer, {advancing) Charles, Charles, how hast thou deceived me ! Is this your indifiference, your uninteresting conversation 1 Mr. H Your cold contempt, your formal interview 1 Wliat have you to say now ? Mar. That I'm all amazement ! What can it mean ? Mr. H. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure ; that 3^ou can address a lady in private, and deny it in public ; that you have one story for us, and another for my daughter. Mar. Daughter! this lady your daughter. Mr. H. Yes, sir, my only daughter. My Kate; whose else should she be 1 Mar. 0, the devil ! Miss. H Yes, sir, that very identical tall, squinting lady, you were pleased lo take me for. {coiirtseying) She that you addressed as the miltl, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, agree- ab e Rattle of the ladies' clul); {laughing) ha, ha, ha! Mar. Zounds I there's no bearing this ; it's worse than death ! Miss H. In which of y«mr characters, sir, will you give us leave to address you % As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the ground that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud, confi- dent creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old xMrs. Biddy Buckskin till three in the morninir ? Ha, ha, ha ! Mar. 0, curse on my noisy head ! I never attemped to be impudent yet that I was not taken down. I must be gone ' Mr. H. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was all a mistake, and I rejoice to find it. You shall not, sir, I tell you. I know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate ? We'll all for- give you Take courage, man. {they retire, Miss Hardgastle tor- menting Marlow.) Enter Mrs. Hardgastle and Tony, r. Mrs. H. So, so, they're gonfe off. Let them go, I care not. Mr. H. Who sone'? Mrs H. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, from town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. Sir C. Who, my honest George Hastings 1 As worthy a fellow as lives, aud the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. ACT V.J SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEB. 49 Enter Has ■ ings and Miss Neville, l. Mrs. H. (aside). What, returned so soon 1 I begin not to like it. Hast, {to Hardcastle). For my late attempt to fly off with your niece, let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come back, to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father's consent I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first found- ed on duty. Mk. H. I'm glad they are come back to reclaim their due. Come, hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady's hand whom I now offer you 1 Tony. What signifies my refusing 1 You know I can't refuse her till I'm of age, father ! Mr. H. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to con- duce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother's desire to keep it secret ; but since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must now declare you have been of age these three months.' Tony. Of age ! Am I of age, father 1 Mu. H. Above three months. Tony. Then you'll see the first use I'll make of my liberty, {talcing Miss Neville's hand ) Witness all men by these presents, that I, An- thony Lumpkin, Esquire, of Blank place, refuse yon, Constantia Neville, spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So Constantia Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his own man again. [Exit, l. Sir C. O, brave 'Squire! Hast. My worthy friend 1 Mus. H. My dutiful offspring 1 Mar. Joy, my dear George, I give you joy sincerely. And could I prevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be the happiest man alive, if you would return me the favor. Hast, {to Miss Hardcastle). Come, madam, you are now driven to the very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like hi-m, I'm sure he loves you ; -and you must and shall have him. Mr. H. {joining their hands). And I say so too. And, Mr. Mar- low, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't believe you'll ever repent your bargain. So, boy, take her ; and as you have been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may never be mis- taken in the wife. CURTAm. TONY LUMPKIN'S SONG IN "SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER."* Allegretto. i giiSESE^ F^ ^g^ p^^^Epife ^ l * For the words see page 15. 50 SHE STOOPS TO OONQUEB. ^-^-^- -^- i^3E^ ii^s Let school -mas - ters puz - zle their brain With ■*- ■*- mm 0- ^ -0 ■■ s s m grammar, and nonsense, and learn-ing, Good li - quor, I ii5^ £ ±=1 iri N, N 1^ rH h— r^ r^ . h-t-n /m^ — ^—t—^- -0,-J-^-^- -y—H— f— f— •— J— W — * — —. — ^ stout - 1}' main - tain, , Gives ^ U '^ ge - nius a bet - ter dis - r: S s ^ s z:^'^ r *h- -.-0-9^—0 y. 1 — ^ — r ^ " P ' 1 1 1 1 -^- -y—. ^^_,_,_^_p_,_ PiT^^— '=q 'JLh r \ 1 » * : *t " fCTl^ J J 7 ; U t^- L> U' i^ L^ i > ' 1 '" xn7 • * 'lx ^/ - ceni-ing. Let them brag of their hea-then-ish gods, Their C^' i S 5 ^ ^ T.i > •< ^ •* " • •* • "r ^ 1 •» ■ ->' k ? / ? ' , ^ , T^ ... 10 1 *^ -. -# -? :J^ -^ -:i^ ~N 1 > ^ -0 ^^— &_ti ^ -* - ^ ^ -?M^ -b y ^ — Le - thes, their Styx - es, and Stj^gians, Their quis, and their f t ^ ^ it t::^' « S " 1 t 5 ^^— T'l r •? r •r » 11 *>l ^ \y \ - 1 \ 1 m ■■ 1 ft '1-. ir 1_ 1 , i^lig^i^^ * — 0- quEes, and their quods ! They're all but a par -eel of Pi-geon> Chorus. ^ SHE STOOPS TO CONQUKR. 51 '^^^^^m^m To - rod- die, to - rod - die, to - roll ! 9:FEf: To -rod- die, to - -#— P -H — .^^ '— I t ^—-9 rod -die, to - rod -die, to - rod -die, to -rod- die, to -r=E jfc=»±:>=5=^ 9 #- roll ! Here 's a health to the Three Jol - ly Pi-geons ! D. C. gii t^^ -»—^»- ±ziz^t: WITT'S ACTING PLAYS. P\ ~we notice that nearly all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in the following '■Vix'r's Acting Plays" are very suitable fm^ representation in small Amateur Thea- ':■:. Parlor Stages, as they need hut little extHnsic aid from complicated scenery (yr ■■■■• fumes. They have attained their deserved popidantyby their droll situatimis^ '.:'.: 7.1, great humor and brUliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that they are the \,r n every respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States ;', '.S.-ither as regards purity of the text, accuracy and fulness of stage directions and •; .-' yance of typography and clearness of printing. ."• rrd^ring please copy the figures at the comnuncement of each piece, which indicate <.,'. f the piece in "De Witt's List op Acting Plats." \ Any of the following Plays sent., postage free, on receipt of price — 15 -vddress, ROBERT M. DE WITT, JV'o. S3 So»e Street, JVew York. '* The figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of '-Jie figures in the columns indicate the number of characters — M. male; M. r. ■M'. drama, 3 acts 7 3 ^r. J for a Change, comedy, 13 3 i/iossoms, comedy, 3 acts — 7 3 : Jle (The), farce, 1 act 3 2 . omedietta, 1 act 3 2 Karlotte's Maid, farce. 1 act.. 3 3 •)f Cards (A), comedietta, 13 1 vs. Pickwick, sketch, 1 act. 6 2 pI Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 ->), drama, 3 acts 9 3 e of Podgers, farce, 1 act . . 7 3 "r a ?ep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 ,c Blow, drama. 4 acts 11 6 I. Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 of Promise,, drama, 2 acts.. 5 2 • -Hearted Chib, comedietta. 14 8 .1, No. 93. farce, 1 act 2 2 ■ omedy, 3 acts 5 3 ■ by the Cnff, farce, 1 act 4 1 MM the World, drama, 5 acts. 10 5 Ine Howard, historical play, ^ 12 5 I. ; r pair, farce, 1 act 4 3 :•! te. comedy, 2 acts 6 .5 1-1 de St. George, drama, 3 9 3 ' i the Channel, farce, 1 act. 3 2 . comedy, 4 acts 8 7 - Countess, farce, 1 act 3 1 '.;-d Love, fierce, 1 act 2 1 - Eye-Glass. co-nedy, 1 act... 1 1 'ea. comedietta, 1 act 3 1 ■ ith a Shilling, comedietta, 2 1 -. - access, comedy, 5 acts 10 4 ;i of the Watch (The), come- - 1 act 4 2 :"'ray. drama, 3 acts 8 4 1 'n"s Dodges, farce, 1 act 4 2 >■■ rrick, comedy, 3 acts 8 3 I \Iamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 ■ ..an Life, drama, 3 acts 6 5 !i Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 v fared act 5 1 ■'■ the Best, drama, 2 acts.. 5 3 ■ i id Cents, comedy, 3 acts. . 9 4 No. 21. 186. 47. 13). 200. 103. 9. 131. 28. 151. 8. 180. 19. 60. 187. 174. 64. 190. 191. 197. 18. 116. 129. 159. 122. 177. 100. 139. 17. -rx 't- ^• Dreams, drama, 5 acts 6 3 Duchess de la Valliere, play, 5 acts ..64 Easy Shaving, farce, 1 act 5 2 Everybody's Friend, comedy, 3 acts. 6 5 Estranged, an operetta, 1 act. 2 1 Faust and Marguerite, drama, 3 acts, 9 7 Fearful Tragedy in the Seven Dials, interlude, 1 act 4 1 Female Det( dve, drama, 3 acts.... 11 4 Fernande, drama, 3 acts 11 10 Fifth Wheel, comedy, 3 acts 10 2 First Love, comedy, 1 act 4 1 Foiled, drama. 4 acts 9 3 Founded on Facts, farce, 1 act . . . . 4 2 Garrick Fever, farce, 1 act 7 4 Gertrude's Monev Box, farce, 1 act. 4 2 Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 11 4 Goose with the Golden Eggs, farce, ^lact 5 3 Go to Putney, farce, 1 act 4 3 Happy Pair, comedietta, 1 act 1 1 Hard Case (A), farce, 1 act 2 Henry Dunbar, drama, 4 acts 10 3 Henry the Fifth, historical plav, 5 38 5 He"s a Lunatic, farce, 1 act ' 3 2 Hidden Hand, drama, 4 acts 5 5 His Own Enemy, farce, 1 act 4 1 Home, comedy, 3 acts 4 3 Household Fairy, sketch, 1 act 1 1 Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 4 1 High C, comedietta, 1 act 4 2 Hunchback (The), play, 5 acts 14 2 If I Had a Thousand a Year, farce, 1 act 4 3 I'm Not Mesilf at All, original Irish stew, 1 act 3 2 In for a Holiday, farce, 1 act 2 3 In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. . . 4 2 Isabella Orsini, drama, 4 acts 11 4 I Shall Invite the Major, comedy, 14 1 Jack Long, drama, 2 acts 9 2 Joy is Dangerous, comedy, 2 acts. . . 3 3 Kind to a Fault, comedy, 2 acts .... 6 4 Lady of Lyons, play, 5 acts 12 5 Lame Excuse, farce, 1 act 4 2 DE WITT'S AC IBRARY No. 144. 34. 137. 111. 119. 165. 48. 32. 164. 109. 85. 87. 143. 189. 163. 154. 15. 46. 51. 184. 108. 188. 169. 130. 92. 140. 115. 2. ' 57. 104. 112. 185. 84. 117. 171. 14. 173. 176. 90. 170. 33. 3. 97. 66. 172. 94. 45. 155. 178. 147. 156. 82. 127. Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 ac Larkins' Love Letters, farce, 1 ac L'Article 47, drama, 3 acts Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts Life Chase, drama, 5 acts Living Statue (The), farce, 1 act. Little Annie's Birthday, farce, 1 av^t. ^ Little Rebel, farce, 1 act 4 Little Euby, drama, 3 acts 6 Locked In, comedietta, I act 2 Locked In with a Laay, sketch, 1 act. 1 Locked Out, comic scene 1 Lodgers ana Dodgers, farce, 1 act.. 4 Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act. . . 1 Marcoretti, drama, 3 acts 10 Maria and Magdalena, play, 4 acts . 8 Marriage at Any Price, farce, 1 act. 5 Master Jones' Birthday, farce, 1 act. 4 Maud's Peril, drama, 4 acts. 5 Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act 8 Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 Money, comedy, 5 acts 17 Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act 3 Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 My Wife's Diary, farce, 1 act 3 My Wife's Out, farce, 1 ?ct 2 My Walking Photograph, musical duality, 1 act 1 Never Keckon Your Chickens, etc., farce, 1 act 3 New Meu and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 Nobody's child, drama, 3 acts 8 Noemie, drama, 2 acts " 4 No Name, drama, 5 acts 7 Not a Bit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 Not So Bad as We Seem, play, 5 acts. 14 Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 Not Sucli a Fool as He Looks, drama. 3 acts ; 5 Nothing Like Paste, farce, 1 act 3 No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and prologue 13 Off the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 On Bread and Water, farce. 1 act. . . 1 Only a iialf penny, farce, 1 act 2 Only Somebody, farce, 1 act 4 One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 £100,000, comedy, 3 acts Orange Blo-soms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 3 Orange Girl, drama, in prologue and 3 acts 18 4 Ours, comedy, 3 acts 6 3 Our Clerks, farce, 1 act 7 5 Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 6 Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts. . .24 5 Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 4acts \ 16 5 Overland Route, comedy. 3 acts 11 5 Peace at Any Price, farce. 1 act 1 1 Peep o' Day, drama. 4 acts 12 4 Peggy Green, farce, 1 act. 3 10 Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, in one act 15 24 Photogi-aphic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 A COMPLETE 014 430 131 _ „ ce, 1 act. 181 and 182. Queen Mary, drama, 4 acts 157. Quite at Home, comedietta, 1 act.. 196. Queerest Courtship (The), comic o] eretta, 1 act 132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 183. Richelieu, play, 5 acts 38. Rightful Heir, drama, 5 acts 77. Roll of the Drum, drama, 3 acts. . . 13. Euy Bias, drama, 4 acts 194. Rum, drama, 3 acts 195. Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, scenes 158. School, comedy, 4 acts 79. Sheep in Wolfs Clothing, drama, 37. Silent Protector, farce, 1 act 35. Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 43. Sisterly Service, comedietta. 1 act. 6. Six Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act 10. Snapping Turtles, duologue, 1 act 26. Society, comedy, 3 acts | 78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act. 31. Taming a Tiger, farce, 1 act 150. Tell-Tale HeTirt, comedietta, 1 act. 120. Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 ad 146. There's no Smoke Without Fire comedietta, 1 act , 83. Thrice Married, personation piece. lact ^, 42. Time and the Hour, drama, 3 actsTT, 27. Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts am prologue 133. Timothy to the Rescue, farce. 1 act. 153. 'Tis Better to Live than to Die, farce, 1 act 134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 1 29. Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act. . . . 168. Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 126. Twice Killed, farce, 1 act ,. 56. Two Gav Deceivers, farce, 1 act 123. Two Poits, farce, 1 act 198. Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 1 act 162. Uncle's Will, comedietta. 1 act 106. Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 81. Vandyke Brown, farce, 1 act 124. Volunteer Review, farce, 1 act 91. W^alpole, comedy, 3 acts 118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 44. War to the Knife, comedy, 3 acts. . . 105. Which of the Two? comedietta, 1 act 98. Who is Who? farce, 1 act 12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 5. William Tell with a Vengeance, burlesque 136. Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and prologue Woman's Vows and Mason's Oaths, 4 acts : "Woodcock's Little Game, farce, 2 ^ Young Collegian (Cantab.), farce, 1 36 U It: : ' 12' 8 4 \ 161. DESCRIPTIVE CATALOq of DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS AND DE 'Wl'^^ ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS , containing Plot, Costume, Scene Time of Representation and every other information, mailed free and post paid. Add ROBERT M. DE WITT, 33 Rose Street, NewYc LIBRAI oc LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Hollinger Corp. pH 8.5