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 T. S. DENISON. Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES 
 
 A FARCE IN ONE ACT 
 
 BY 
 
 W. C. PARKER 
 I \ 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 Alia Mistake, " " The Batik Cashier, " "^ Black Heifer, ' ' ' 'Brother 
 
 Josiah,'' ''The Face at the Window,'' "A Friend of the Whole 
 
 Family,'' "His Second Time on Earth," "The Lo7iely- 
 
 ville Social Club," "Love and Anarchy," Second 
 
 Childhood, " " Taking- Father's Place, ' ' and 
 
 ' ' Those Dreadful Twins. ' ' 
 
 JW* 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street 
 
i<fp^ THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 ^A.^ CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 Jabin Save-it-up A Merchant 
 
 Erastus Longhead A Neighbor 
 
 Willie Winsome 
 
 A Graduate of a Correspondence ScJiool 
 
 Charles A Butler 
 
 Mrs. Save-it-up Jabin s Wife 
 
 Mrs. Longhead • Wife of Erastus 
 
 Jessie Save-it-up Jabin' s Daughter 
 
 Maggie A Maid 
 
 Scene: Drawing room in house of Jabin Save-it-up. 
 
 Time of Playing — About Tzucnty-five Minutes. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 Jabin — Frock coat, striped trousers, fancy waistcoat, silk 
 
 hat, patent leather shoes with light spats. 
 Erastus — Business suit, derby hat, gloves. 
 Willie — Dressed in "college boy" style. Loose fitting 
 
 clothes, low shoes, slouch hat, large bow tie. 
 
 Charles — Suitable butler's uniform, j^^ ?^3/ 
 Mrs. S. Morning gown. iA ^ ~j-~ 
 
 Mrs. L. Walking gown. '/7(^^oSlS'i 
 
 Jessie — House gown. 1^0^ 
 
 Maggie — Neat dress, large white apron, white cap on 
 
 head. 
 
 PROPERTIES. 
 Commercial envelope box, a quantity of red envelopes, 
 
 one blue envelope. Call bell on table. 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R, C, right cen- 
 ter ; L., left ; R. D., right door ; L. D., left door, etc. ; 1 E., 
 first entrance ; U, E., upper entrance, etc. ; D. F., door in flat 
 or scene running across the back of the stage ; 1 G., first 
 groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience, j 
 
 copyright, 1908, by t. s. denison. 
 2 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 Scene: Fancy chamber, door C, doors R. and L. Window 
 L. C. Table C, zvith table cloth arranged to conceal up- 
 stage side and reveal dozvn-sfage side; divans, chairs, 
 easels, etc., to dress stage. 
 
 Enter Jessie, door L. 
 
 Jess. Papa has ordered me never to speak to Willie 
 again — and just after Willie has asked me to marry him. 
 (Sobs.) Boo-hoo-hoo! Now, I'm sure I'll die an old maid! 
 {Tapping heard at zvindozv.) What's that? 
 Willie {putting head in zvindozv). It's me — Willie — 
 Jess. Oh, Willie, go quick, before papa sees you ! He 
 is so mad at you for writing him so many letters that he 
 says he won't be responsible for what happens if he catches 
 you here again. 
 
 Will crazvling in zvindozv. 
 
 Will. I don't care. Here I am, and here Tm going to 
 stay until he consents to our marriage, that is, unless — 
 
 Jess. Unless what? 
 
 Will. Unless you will run away with me. 
 
 Jess. Oh, Willie, I couldn't elope. What would mamma 
 say? 
 
 Will. Say nothing. She wouldn't know anything about 
 it until it was all over. 
 
 Enter Jabin stealthily, door C. 
 
 Jess, (screams). Oh! Look out, Willie ! 
 Jab. (grabbing Will.). Aha! I've caught you at last! 
 Now, what have you got to say for yourself. 
 Will. Sir! I came to propose. 
 Jab. Propose? Well, what is your proposition. How 
 
 3 
 
4 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 much do you want to go away and stay away forever, and 
 quit making my life a burden? 
 
 Jess. (sobs. To Will.). Boo-hoo-hoo! He's deter- 
 mined that I shall die an old maid ! 
 
 Will. I^I want to marry your daughter. 
 
 Jab. So I've heard before, but let me tell you, you young 
 scamp, for the forty-ninth and last time, you can't have her. 
 
 Will. But I have a right to propose — 
 
 Jab. And I have a right to dispose. Look what you've 
 done to me. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I 
 see staring me in the face on my dressing table is a red envel- 
 ope containing an idiotic appeal for my daughter's hand. As 
 I leave the room the maid hands me a red envelope, another 
 idiotic appeal ! Down the hall the butler awaits me with 
 another red envelope, appeal number three. Beside my 
 plate at the breakfast table I find still another red envelope ; 
 appeal more idiotic than the other three ! As I open my 
 morning paper out drops a red envelope ! Pretty soon the 
 postman leaves another red envelope, most idiotic appeal 
 of all ! On the doorstep I encounter another red envelope ! 
 In dismay I rush to the ofiice, only to find my mail flooded 
 with a deluge of red envelopes ! Red envelopes everywhere. 
 I eat, sleep and dream of red envelopes ! 
 
 Will. It's your nerves, sir. You require a doctor. 
 
 Jab. You'll be beyond the need of a doctor if you don't 
 stop sending me red envelopes ! 
 
 Will. That, sir, is only the follow-up system I learned 
 from the Correspondence School. There is no law to stop it. 
 
 Jess. Oh, papa, let me marry Willie and all this trouble 
 will cease. 
 
 Jab. Oh, I'll stop it, all right! I'll have him hanged for 
 my murder, if I die for it ! 
 
 Jess. Then I'll die an old maid. (Sobs.) Boo-hoo-hoo! 
 
 Jab. (to Will.). Look at all the sorrow and misery you 
 have caused! See what I've received already this morning! 
 (Shozvs package of red envelopes and tJirozvs them on floor 
 in disgust.) 
 
 Will. But I want to propose — 
 
 Jab. Now, you get out and stay out! (Grabs Will, and 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 5 
 
 runs him off, door C. Glass crash heard. Returns.) There! 
 I guess that will hold him for a while ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Save-it-up, door R. 
 
 Mrs. S. Why, what is the matter? 
 
 Jess. Papa wants me to die an old maid! (Sobs.) Boo- 
 hoo-hoo ! 
 
 Jab. The matter is red envelopes ! Red envelopes in my 
 coffee! Red envelopes in my soup! I've got red envelopes 
 on the brain ! 
 
 Enter Maggie, door R. . 
 
 Mag. a note for you, sir. (Hands a red envelope to 
 Jab.) 
 
 Jab. What do you mean by handing me a red envelope? 
 (Snatches envelope from Mag.) 
 
 Mag. Gee! I'm glad Fm here! (Glares at Jab. and exit, 
 door R.) 
 
 Mrs. S. I don't see any harm in a few red envelopes. 
 
 Jab. Oh, you don't, eh? Well, just listen to this! (Tears 
 open envelope and reads.) ''Dear Sir: — I must marry your 
 daughter, or I'll croak!" 
 
 Mrs. S. Now, when I was a girl — 
 
 Jab. Madam, this is no time to consider ancient history. 
 • Mrs. S. (shocked). Oh! 
 
 Enter Charles, door C., carrying a salver. 
 
 Chas. (to Jab.). Begging yer parding, sir, but 'ere's 
 a billet-doux, sir. I found h'it h'on the steps, sir. 
 
 Jab. (gruffly). Give it to me. (Grabs envelope from 
 so her.) 
 
 Chas. (bowing). Thenk you, sir; thenk you; Anythink 
 h'else, sir? 
 
 Jab. (grufdy). No! 
 
 Chas. (glares at Jab. Recovers his composure). Beg- 
 ging yer parding, sir. Thenk you, sir ; thenk you. (Bozus 
 and exit, door C.) 
 
 Jab. (opens envelope and reads). "I'm on the job. I'll 
 marry your daughter or bust !" 
 
 (Postman's whistle heard.) 
 
6 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 Mrs. S. (going to door, C, and returning zuith a red 
 envelope). The postman, my dear. He left a letter for you. 
 (Hands to Jab.). 
 
 Jab. (snatching envelope). Another red envelope! Bah! 
 (Tears up the three and throivs pieees in the air. Sees 
 package of red envelopes he threw on Hoar.) Bah! (Grabs 
 up the package and throws it out the window, yelling after 
 it.) Bah! Bah! (Turns on Jess.) Bah! (Runs to door, C.) 
 
 Jess. (Sobs). Boo-hoo-hoo! 
 
 Mrs. S. Where are you going? 
 
 Jab. Crazy ! I'd go down to the river and jump in, only 
 I'd be sure to find the water full of red envelopes! 
 
 Mrs. S. What shall I tell anyone who calls? 
 
 Jab. Tell 'em I've gone to Panama — got the measles — 
 the small-pox — held in quarantine — or dead ! Yes, that's it. 
 Tell 'em I'm dead. 
 
 Jess, (recovering from sobbing). Dead? Is Willie dead? 
 
 Jab. No, I'm dead! Or, rather, I'm going to be, and it's 
 all brought on by an ungrateful daughter, a block-headed 
 wife and a rattle-brained idiot who persists in swamping 
 me with envelopes of a bloodthirsty hue ! 
 
 Mrs. S. (grasping his coat sleeve). Oh, Jabin, don't go! 
 
 Jab. (shaking her off). Release me! If I waited much 
 longer, I'd see my house turned into a veritable wild west 
 show with a tent made of red envelopes ! Oh, those red 
 envelopes! (Throzcs up arms in despair and exit hastily, 
 door C.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (following). Jabin ! Jabin ! (Exit after ]ab.) 
 
 Jess, (sobbing). Boo-hoo-hoo! He's dead! He's dead! 
 
 Enter Will, door R. Clothes torn and hair disheveled. 
 
 Will. W^ho's dead? 
 
 Jess. My father. 
 
 Will. Good ! 
 
 Jess. What? 
 
 Will. No, no — I mean, when did he — where did he — 
 what did he die of? 
 
 Jess. Red envelopes ! 
 
 Will. What's the matter? Has he gone to eating paper 
 and been poisoned? 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 7 
 
 Jess. No. (Imitates cutting throat,) 
 
 Will. Are you sure? 
 
 Jess. Of course I am. 
 
 Will. Come on — let's dance a jig. (Dances around joy- 
 fully.) 
 
 Jess. How dare you suggest a dance at my poor father's 
 expense ? 
 
 Will. I'd do much more at your poor father's expense 
 if I only knew the ropes. 
 
 Jess. I'm afraid you'll know the ropes altogether too 
 soon. Suppose they hang you for his murder? 
 
 Will, (shivering). Come on — let's go! 
 
 Jess. Where to? 
 
 Will. To hunt for a minister, of course. 
 
 Jess, (tearfully). For the funeral? 
 
 Will. No, for the wedding. 
 
 Jess. I hope you don't think — 
 
 Will. Too much trouble to think. Hurry up, before 
 something else happens. (Runs to zvindozv and points out.) 
 See! 
 
 Jess, (running to zuindozv). Why, it's papa rushing 
 down the street, with mamma at his coat-tails and Charles 
 yelling at both of them. Oh, what shall I do? 
 
 Will. Get on your hat, while I go telephone for the 
 police to catch them! (Passes Jess out, door L.) Oh, I 
 knew I wasn't wasting my opportunities when I took a 
 course from that Correspondence School on "How to Suc- 
 ceed in Life." (Exit, door R.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Longhead, door C. 
 
 Mrs. L. (carrying the package of red envelopes zvhich 
 Jabin threzv from zvindozv). I found these envelopes in my 
 husband's coat pocket on his return from his morning walk. 
 They are addressed to "Mr. Jabin Save-it-up," but I saw 
 it all in a minute. With a woman's perspicacity I at once 
 realized that my husband has been receiving letters under 
 an assumed name. I did not confront him with the evidence 
 of his duplicity. I decided to employ strategy — to confirm 
 my suspicions first, and then — then — (sobs.) Oh, my life 
 will be ruined! (Recovering her composure.) But I must 
 
8 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 not yield to my feelings. I must be brave. I learned from 
 the telephone book that "Mr. Jabin Save-it-up" resides in 
 this house. (Inspecting the room.) So, this explains his 
 "long walks" morning and evening. He's been leading a 
 double life! (Looks at envelopes.) ''J^-bin Save-it-up?" 
 What a name ! I suppose that was a sarcastic way of re- 
 minding himself that he must deny me everything but the 
 bare necessities of life, so that he could "save-it-up" to sup- 
 port this establishment ! And to think of the way I had to 
 beg to get a new hat for Easter! (Starts.) I hear some- 
 body. This veil must serve to conceal my identity for the 
 time being. (Drops veil, zMch thoroughly conceals her 
 features.) 
 
 Enter Will., door R. 
 
 Will, (mistaking Mrs. L. for Jess. Aside). So Jessie 
 has disguised herself. That's a great idea! (To Mrs. L.) 
 Come, my darling, let us hurry before it is too late. (Takes 
 Mrs. L.'s hand and tries to lead her C.) 
 
 Mrs. L. (screams). Let me go, you monster! Help! 
 Help! (Attempts to scratch his eyes out.) 
 
 Will (dodges and exit hasitly, door R.) 
 
 Erastus (out C.) Coming — Fm coming! 
 
 Mrs. L. My husband's voice ! I must not let him see me. 
 (Runs around, looking for a place to hide. Finally gets 
 under table, facing audience.) » 
 
 Enter Eras., door C. 
 
 Eras, (looking around). No one here? I'm sure I heard 
 a cry for help. (Goes L.) 
 
 Enter Jess., door L. 
 
 Eras. Young woman, did you scream for help? 
 
 Jess. No, but I shall if you do not leave this house 
 immediately. 
 
 Eras, (pondering). This is strange. 
 
 Mrs. L. (aside). This is not mv husband's house after 
 all. 
 
 Eras. But I distinctly heard a cry for help. (Approaches 
 Jessie.) 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 9 
 
 Jess. Don't you dare to come near me, you miserable 
 thief! Help! Willie! {Exit hastily, door L.) 
 
 {During the entire time that Mrs. L. remains under the 
 table, she repeatedly pops out her head as if looking for an 
 opportunity to make her escape unnoticed.) 
 
 Enter Will., door R. 
 
 Will, {aside). I thought I heard Jessie call me back 
 again. 
 
 Eras, {to Will.). Who are you? 
 
 Will. Well, for that matter, who are you? 
 
 Eras. I heard a scream. 
 
 Will. So did I. 
 
 Eras. Where is Mr. Save-it-up? 
 
 Will, {imitating Erastus' tone of voice). I give-it-up. 
 
 Eras. What do you mean? 
 
 Will, {mysteriously). They say dead — and killed. 
 
 Eras, {incredulously). What? 
 
 Will. Somebody sent him so many red envelopes that 
 he became color blind — thought they were green peaches — 
 ate up all the envelopes and died of cholera morbus ! 
 
 Eras, {aside). What a lot of stuff ! This fellow is a fool ! 
 {To Will.) Bah! You're an idiot! {Snaps his fingers in 
 Will's face and exit door C.) 
 
 Will. I seem to make friends in a hurry around these 
 diggings. {Looks off C. after Eras., thus turning his hack 
 tozvard L. stage.) 
 
 Mrs. L. {aside). Oh, what a fool I've made of myself! 
 What will my husband say? 
 
 Enter Chas., follozved by Jess., door L. 
 
 Jess, {mistaking Will, for Eras.). There he is. Put 
 him out quick, before he robs the house. {Turns her back 
 to Will, and puts her £ngers in her ears as if anticipating 
 an explosion.) 
 
 Chas. {going to Will, and tapping him on the shoul- 
 der). Begging yer parding, sir, but the young missus says 
 h'as 'ow you'll 'ave to get h'out. 
 
 Will, {turning). I don't believe a word of it. {Sees 
 Jess.) There she is. I'll just ask her. {Starts toward Jess.) 
 
10 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 Chas. Stop a bit, sir. (Grabs Will, and runs him out 
 door C. Noise heard of scuMing outside.) 
 
 Jess. Supposing the burglar should get the best of 
 Charles and come back and murder us all? {Removes fin- 
 gers from ears and cautiously goes up C.) 
 
 Enter Chas., door C, fixing his cuffs, smoothing his coat, 
 
 etc. 
 
 Jess. Well, Charles, did you make a good job of it? 
 
 Chas. That I did, miss, but begging yer parding, miss, 
 you said as 'ow 'e looked h'old and feeble, miss. 
 
 Jess. So I did. 
 
 Chas. Well, begging yer parding, miss, but 'e was that 
 young and lively, 'e was right troublesome, miss. 
 
 Jess. Young ? Why, you've thrown out the wrong man ! 
 
 Chas. Very well, miss, I'll 'ave to go look for the right 
 man. Begging yer parding, miss. (Exit door C.) 
 
 Jess. Oh, what shall I do? He may have killed Willie, 
 and then I'll surely die an old maid ! 
 
 Mrs. L. (aside). I wish I could get out of here. 
 
 Jess. (Pounds bell on table.) 
 
 Mrs. L. (starts in fright. Aside). What will my husband 
 do if I am caught in this position? 
 
 Enter Mag. in anszver to bell, door R. 
 
 Jess, (running to Mag.). Maggie! Tell me! Have 
 you seen anything of Willie Winsome? 
 
 Mag. Indade, an' I have. (Waves arms.) Swoop! Flyin' 
 through the air! (Waves ar^ms.) Swoop! Landed in the 
 frog pond! (Waves arms.) Swoop! Disappeared altogether! 
 
 Jess. (sobs). Oh ! Oh ! And I'll die an old maid ! (Exit 
 hastily, door L.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. S., door C. 
 
 Mrs. S. (breathlessly to Mag.). Maggie! Where is Mr. 
 Save-it-up ? 
 
 Mrs. L. (Tries to rubber at Mrs. S.) 
 
 Mag. How should I know where he is? 
 
 Mrs. S. Why shouldn't you know? What are you hired 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 11 
 
 for? If any harm comes to him, I'll surely go crazy! {Exit 
 hastily, door C.) 
 
 Mag. An' she won't have far to go. Gee ! But I'm glad 
 I'm here! (Exit door R., slamming door after her.) 
 
 Mrs. L. I can't stand this any longer. (Crazvls out from 
 under table. Lame from crouching in cramped position, can 
 hardly zvalk.) Oh, what will my poor husband say? 
 
 Enter Will, through zvindow. 
 
 Will, (nursing black eye). They can't keep me out. 
 The Correspondence School taught me to be persistent! 
 {Mistaking Mrs. L. for Jess.) Ah there, my dear! Now, 
 let's hurry to the minister! (Goes to Mrs. L.) 
 
 Mrs. L. (screams). Oh! Get away! You horrid beast! 
 
 Will. Why, what's the matter? 
 
 Enter Jess., door L. 
 
 Mrs. L. (Avoids Will.) 
 
 Will, (follozving up Mrs. L.). Don't you love me any 
 more ? 
 
 Jess, (screams). Oh, Willie ! 
 
 Will. (Seeing Jess., runs to her.) 
 
 Jess. (Exit door L., slamming the door in Will.'s face 
 and locking it.) 
 
 Mrs. L. Oh, What will my poor husband say? (Gets 
 under table.) 
 
 Will, (pounding on door). Jessie! Jessie! It's a mis- 
 take! Please let me explain! (Aside.) Now, I suppose it's 
 all off. Of course that woman — (Turns to look at Mrs. L.) 
 Why, where is she? 
 
 Enter Eras., door C. 
 
 Eras. I heard that screann again. It sounded like the 
 voice of my angel wife. 
 
 Mrs. L. (aside). Oh, what will he say to mel 
 
 Eras, (to Will.). Who screamed? 
 
 Will. Oh, get out. 
 
 Eras. Here I am, and here I shall stay until I have 
 solved the mystery of that scream. 
 
 Will. All right, Sherlock. Go as far as you like, only 
 
12 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 don't bother me. {Tries to open door L.) I have troubles 
 of my own. (Manages to force door open and exit door L.) 
 
 Eras. Aha! Somebody under lock and key! (Goes to 
 door L. and cautiously peeks out.) If anything has hap- 
 pened to my angel wife ! 
 
 Mrs. L. (aside). Oh, my poor husband. 
 
 Enter Jab., door C. 
 
 Jab. (going down R., waving his arms excitedly). Is 
 there such a thing as justice on this earth? I went to the 
 police station and told them I was being driven crazy by 
 red envelopes — they laughed at me. I went to the office of 
 the District Attorney— and was refused admittance. I chased 
 to the court house, determined to demand my rights in 
 open court — the judge ordered me out! I rushed into a 
 hardware store and ordered the biggest shotgun they had — 
 the clerk refused to sell me — said I looked agitated — the 
 idea! Who would ever suspect me of being agitated? If 
 this is a specimen of liberty and freedom — (sees Eras.) 
 Why, who are you? 
 
 Eras, {turning from door L., hesitatingly) . I — I heard 
 a scream. 
 
 Jab. Oh, you did, eh? And you thought that would be 
 a fine chance to rob my house ? 
 
 Mrs. L. (Agitated.) 
 
 Eras. Sir, I am a gentleman ! 
 
 Jab. Well, you don't look it. Get out before I throw 
 you out. 
 
 Mrs. L. (aside). Oh, my poor husband! 
 
 Enter Mrs. S.. hastily, door C. 
 
 Mrs. S. {excitedly). Oh,,Jabin! I have found you at 
 last ! 
 
 Jab. (ignoring Mrs. S.). Now, sir, will you go quietly, 
 or — 
 
 Mrs. S. (Grabs Jab.'s coat tails and holds him hack.) 
 
 Eras. Jabin? What is your last name? 
 
 Jab. Quit your faking. You know it is Save-it-up, all 
 right. 
 
THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 13 
 
 Eras. Jabin Save-it-up. Aha ! That reminds me — I have 
 something for you. (Feels in pockets.) 
 
 Jab. (trying to release his coat tails. Aside). If he hands 
 me a red envelope, I'll kill him. 
 
 Eras, (searching his pockets). I — I've lost it. 
 
 Jab. (sarcastic). Oh, that'll be all right. Now, get out 
 or I'll — (approaches Eras, threateningly). 
 
 Mrs. L. (tosses package of red envelope out L.) 
 
 Eras, (dodges Jab. Sees package). Ah, I have it! 
 (Grabs up package and hands to Jab.) 
 
 Jab. (in despair). Red envelopes! What do you mean, 
 you miserable wretch? Don't you know I've been dodging 
 red envelopes all day? Can't you see that I've been nearly 
 driven crazy with red envelopes? 
 
 Eras. But I found them. 
 
 Jab. So I see. And you handed 'em to me. (Throzvs 
 package at Eras.) Now, you get out or I'll — (rushes at 
 Eras. ) 
 
 Eras. (Dodging, overturns table.) 
 
 Mrs. L. (jumping up). Oh, my poor husband! 
 
 Eras. (enibraci]ig , Mrs. L. and raising her veil). My 
 angel wife ! 
 
 Mrs. S. (screams). Oh! 
 
 Jab. (to Eras.). So, you have an accomplice — a female 
 accomplice, eh? 
 
 Enter Chas., door C, carrying pasteboard box. 
 
 Chas. (to Jab.). Begging yer parding, sir, but 'ere's a 
 box, sir, thet's h'addressed to you, sir. (Hands box to 
 Jab.) 
 
 Jab. (takes box. The lid falls off and about a half box 
 of red envelopes fall out). Red envelopes? Red envelopes? 
 And more red envelopes ! 
 
 Enter Mag., door R. 
 
 Mag. (handing a blue envelope to Jab.). Letter for you, 
 sir. 
 
 Jab. (thinking he is going color-blind). Take it away! 
 Take it away ! I'm going crazy ! 
 
 Mrs. S. Why, my dear, that envelope isn't red. 
 
14 THOSE RED ENVELOPES. 
 
 1 
 
 Jab. Are — you sure? Open it! Read it! 
 
 Mrs. S. (takes letter from Mag. Opens and reads). *'Mr. 
 Jabin Save-it-up — Sir : You will not receive any more red 
 envelopes for I airi sending you all I have. I will have no 
 further use for them, as, by the time this reaches you, I 
 will be married to your charming daughter — " (Screams.) 
 Oh, Jabin, they've eloped ! 
 
 Jab. What? Well, that miserable puppy will never get 
 a cent of my money. 
 
 Eras, (advancing and handing card to Jab.). Sir, here 
 is my card. 
 
 Jab. (takes card and reads). "Mr. Erastus Longhead — " 
 
 Mrs. S. (to Eras. a;zc^ Mrs. L.). Why, you must be our 
 new neighbors in the next block. 
 
 Eras. We have that honor. 
 
 Mrs. S. I am so glad to meet you. I was going to call 
 today. (Shakes hands with Eras, and Mrs. L.) 
 
 Enter Will., door L., leading Jess. They have red envel- 
 opes pinned all over their clothes. 
 
 Jab. (starts hack, angry). How dare you? 
 
 Will, (leading Jess, dozvn C. To Jab.). Sir, my wife 
 desires to ask your forgiveness. 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, Jessie, how could you? 
 
 Jab. (angrily picking up a red envelope and handing it 
 to Will.). Very well. Here is my blessing and you wed- 
 ding present all in one. (Turns his hack on Willie and 
 Jessie.) 
 
 Jess, (sobbing). Boo-hoo-hoo, papa. I didn't want to 
 die an old maid ! 
 
 Jab. (turning on Will, fiercely). Just see what a lot 
 of trouble you've caused with those infernal — 
 
 Mag. Say! What'll I cook fer dinner? 
 
 Jab. (finishing his speech to Will.). Red envelopes! 
 
 Maggie. Charles. 
 
 Erastus. Mrs. L. Willie. Jessie. Jabin. Mrs. S. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
Fun on the Podunk Limited 
 
 By MAYME RIDDLE BITNEY. 
 Price, 25 Gents 
 
 Entertainment; 9 m., 14 f. Time, 1 h. 30 m. Can be played with 
 a less number of people when desired. A most clever idea, sup- 
 posing to show the interior of a railway coach. It can be easily set 
 311 almost any platform, and full description with illustrations, show- 
 ing the manner of arranging the stage are given. The passengers 
 produce the real fun, while the coach is of secondary importance. 
 A most amusing cast of characters. The farmer and family, grand- 
 pa and grandma, woman with bundles, Susie Olson; a Chinaman, 
 the old maid and many others. The passengers getting on and off, 
 their excitement, their haste, their bundles and other incidents, 
 which always fills a journey with rare comedy, are depicted with 
 surprising skill. It has been presented by the author with great 
 success, and it is recommended for any club, church or society. 
 
 "Our audience was the best pleased that I ever saw at an ama- 
 teur play." — Carroll J. Byers, South Bend, Ind. 
 
 "We gave 'Fun on the Podunk Limited' to a crowded house two 
 nights.' — Mrs. E. Sortore, Duke Center, Pa. 
 
 A Black Heifer 
 
 By W. C. PARKER. 
 
 Price, 23 Cents 
 
 Rural comedy-drama, 3 acts; 9 m., 3 f. Time, about 2 h. Scenes: 
 Yard of Swampscott Holler farm house, "settin' room" of same, best 
 room of same. Costumes, city, country, tramp, etc. Characters: 
 Leading man, farmer, Uncle Josh type. Heavy villain. Juvenile. 
 Stuttering farm hand. Tramp. Detective. Leading lady. Char- 
 acter woman, deaf. Country maiden. Character, soubrette. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — Swampscott Holler. 'Squar Brown's black heifer is lost. 
 Carleton woos Arabella for her money. Carleton decides that George 
 must be "put out of the way." Scraps, the girl tramp. She recog- 
 nizes Carleton. A shower of snuff adds to the fun. Scraps is ac- 
 cused of stealing the black heifer. Eph adopts the waif. The mur- 
 der of 'Squar Brown. Rube accuses George. Carleton, the "eye 
 witness." 
 
 Act II. — Eph has a "heart-to-heart" talk with George. "I be- 
 lieve ye." Willie and his first cigar. Betsy jealous of Scraps. 
 Doughnuts and cider. The fiddler and the old-fashioned "hoe down." 
 Willie's new suit of "store clothes." The robbery. Carleton accuses 
 George. 
 
 Act III. — "The fatal day has arrived." Carleton plays his last 
 card. Scraps as a "real lady." The stranger, "Why, it's George!" 
 Laughter and tears. Weary has a woij^ to say. Scraps captures the 
 villain. The "huskin' bee." Reparation and joy. 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
On the Little Bi^ Horn 
 
 By CHARLES ULRICH. 
 
 Price, 23 Cents 
 
 Western comedy-drama, 4 acts; 10 m., 4 f. Time, 2^^ h. Scenes: 
 2 interiors, 1 exterior. Easy to set. Characters: Ludlow, a cavalry 
 officer. Winston^ a West Pointer. Carleton, an Indian agent. Gra- 
 ham, commandant of Ft. Winslow. Dakota Dan, a scout. O'Raf- 
 ferty. an Irish sergeant. War Eagle, a Sioux Indian chief. Hop 
 Sing, a Chinese cook. Hanks, a telegraph operator. Martin, a 
 trooper. Beryl Seymour, the belle of the garrison. Rose-of-the- 
 Mist, a pretty Indian maiden. Sue Graham, a soubrette. Mrs. 
 Spencer, a talkative widow. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — The Major's suspicion. Rose reveals a' secret. News of 
 the Indian uprising. "This is what love has brought me to." The 
 abduction. A soldier's oath. "To the rescue — then justice." 
 
 Act II. — "The Indians are coming." A scared Chinaman. "Savee 
 Hop Sing's pigtail." Rose offers to give herself up to Spotted Face 
 to save the palefaces. The avowal of love. "We will fight and die 
 together." The rescue. 
 
 Act III. — A message from the President. The wire is cut. "This 
 is the the work of Carleton." "The testimony is perjured and the 
 documents are forgeries." "I believe you innocent." "You are to 
 be shot at sunrise." Beryl to the rescue. Beryl at the telegraph 
 key. The reprieve. 
 
 Act IV. — A scout's experience with a Chinaman. "I love ye, 
 Rose." "We talk to parson." Saved by an accident. "We will 
 surprise mamma and papa." Hop Sing goes on strike. Carleton 
 in disguise returns. "I will kill you and have my revenge." Rose 
 shoots Carleton. The reunion. "It is God's way." 
 
 An American Hustler 
 
 By WILLIAM S. GILL. 
 
 Price, 23 Cents 
 
 Comedy-drama, 4 acts; 7 m., 4 f. Time, 21/^ h. Scenes: Laid in 
 Idaho and Chicago. Easy to set, 1 exterior, 3 interiors. Characters: 
 Major Bob, editor of the "Eagle's Scream." Rawdon, a gambler. 
 Steve, a young miner in hard luck. Old Joe, a miner who 
 doesn't mine. Duxum, a lawyer. Binks, his clerk. Servant. Ame- 
 lia, Old Joe's daughter. Priscilla, principal of a young ladies' sem- 
 inary. Annie, a deserted wife. Mary, the maid. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 Act I. — In Paradise. The Major says something. 
 Act II. — Law office in Chicago. The Major learns something. 
 Act III. — Miss Fagg's SemHiary. The Major tells something. 
 Act IV. — Apartment in Major's house. The Major introduces 
 something. 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
 H 21/ 85 
 
DENISON'S ACTINQ PLAYS. 
 
 Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Olven. 
 
 FARCES AND SKETCHES. 
 
 M. F. 
 
 Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 2 
 
 April Pools, .SO min 3 
 
 BadJob, 30min... 3 2 
 
 Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min. . . 6 2 
 
 Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 2 
 
 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 
 
 Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 3 
 
 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min... 5 
 
 Borrowing Trouble, 25 min.... 3 5 
 
 Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 
 
 Breezy Call, 25 min 2 1 
 
 B'xmble's Courtship, 18 min... 1 1 
 
 Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 
 
 Christmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 3 
 
 Cobbler, 10 min 1 
 
 Convention of Papas, 26 min. . . 7 
 
 Country Justice, 15 min 8 
 
 Cow That Kicked Chicago, 20 
 
 min 3 2 
 
 Cut Off with a Shilling, 25 min. 2 1 
 
 Deception, 30 min 3 2 
 
 Desperate Situation, 25 min — 2 3 
 
 Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 
 
 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 5 3 
 
 FairEncounier, sketch, 20 min. 2 
 
 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 
 
 First-Class Hotel, 20 min ...... 40 
 
 Freezing a Mother-in-Law, 45 
 
 min 3 2 
 
 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 
 
 min 6 
 
 Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 
 
 Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m.. 4 2 
 
 Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 
 
 Homoeopathy, Irish, 30 min.... 5 3 
 
 I'llStay Awhile, 20 min 4 
 
 I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25min.. 3 2 
 
 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. . 8 
 
 In the Wrong House, 20 min... 4 2 
 
 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 
 
 Is the Editor in? 20 min 4 2 
 
 John Smith, 30 min 5 3 
 
 Just My Luck, 20 min 4 3 
 
 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min 5 1 
 
 Kiss in the Dark, 30 min 2 3 
 
 Larkin's Love Letters, 50 min.. 3 2 
 
 Lend Me Five Shillings, 40 min. 5 2 
 
 Limerick Boy, 30 min 5 2 
 
 Little Black Devil, 10 min 2 1 
 
 Love and Rain, sketch, 20 min. 1 1 
 
 Lucky Sixpence, 30 min 4 2 
 
 Lucy's Old Man, sicetch, 15 m. 2 3 
 Madame Princeton's Temple of 
 
 Beauty, 20 min 6 
 
 Mike Donovan, 15 min 1 3 
 
 Misses Beers, 25 min 3 3 
 
 Mistake in Identity, 15 min... O 2 
 
 Modeiof a Wife, 25min 3 2 
 
 Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. 2 
 
 My Jeremiah, 20 min . 3 2 
 
 My Lord in Livery, 45 min 4 3 
 
 My Neighbor's wife, 45 min.... 3 3 
 
 M. r. 
 
 My Turn Next, 50 min 4 3 
 
 Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m... 2 
 
 Not at Home, 15 min 2 (> 
 
 Obstinate Family, 40 min ;{ 3 
 
 On Guard, 25 min 4 2 
 
 Only Cold Tea, 20 min 3 3 
 
 Outwitting the Colonel, 25 m.. 3 2 
 
 Patsy O* Wang, 35 min 4 3 
 
 Pat the Apothecary, 35 min.... 6 2 
 
 Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min. 6 3 
 
 Petsof Society, 30 min 7 
 
 Played and Lost, sketch, 15 m. 3 2 
 
 Pull-Back, 20 min 6 
 
 Quiet Family, 45 min 4 4 
 
 Realm of Time, musical, 30 min. 8 15 
 
 Regular Fix, 50 min 6 4 
 
 Rejected, 40 min 5 3 
 
 Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 
 
 Row in Kitchen and Politician's 
 
 Breakfast, 2 monologues... 1 1 
 
 Silent Woman, 25 min 2 1 
 
 Slasher and Crasher, 1 hr. 15 m. 6 2 
 
 Taming a Tiger, 20 min 3 O 
 
 That Rascal Pat, 35 min 3 2 
 
 To Oblige Benson, 45 min 3 2 
 
 Too Much for One Head, 25 m. . 2 4 
 Too Much of a Good Thing, 60 
 
 mJn 3 6 
 
 Treasure from Egypt, 45 min.. 4 1 
 
 Trick Dollar, 30 min 4 3 
 
 Turn Him Out, 50 min 3 3 
 
 Twenty Minutes Under Um- 
 brella, sketch, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 
 
 Two Ga> Deceivers, 25 min 3 
 
 Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min.... 2 
 
 Two Ghosts in White. 25 min.. 8 
 
 Twoof a Kind, 40min 2 8 
 
 Two Puddifoots. 40 min 3 3 
 
 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 
 
 Very Pleasant Evening. 30 min 3 
 
 Wanted: a Correspondent, 1 hr. 4 4 
 
 Wanted; a Hero, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Which Will He Marry? 30 min. 2 8 
 
 White Caps (The),musical,30m. O 8 
 
 Who is Who, 40 min 3 2 
 
 Who Told the Lie? 30 min,.... 5 :< 
 
 Wide Enough for Two. 50 min. 5 2 
 
 Woman Hater (The), 30 min... 2 1 
 
 Wonderful Letter, 25 min 4 1 
 
 Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 
 
 min 4 3 
 
 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 
 
 The publisher believes that he can 
 say truthfully that Denison's list of 
 plays is on the whole the best se- 
 lected and most successful in the 
 market. Ifew Plays will he added 
 from time to time. 
 
 For Ethiopian Plays see Catalogue 
 
 T. S. DENISQN, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 
POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 
 
 Price, Illustrated Paper Covers. 25 cents each. 
 
 r 
 
 
 1 
 
 ^^l^A 
 
 1 
 
 iW 
 
 i 
 
 1 
 
 ^"^.SM^liON^"^ 
 
 IN this Series 
 are found 
 books touching 
 every feature 
 in the enter- 
 tainment field. 
 Good paper, 
 clear print and 
 each book has 
 an attractive in- 
 dividual cover 
 design. 
 
 DIALOGUES. 
 
 \ All Sorts of Dialogues. 
 
 Selected, fine for older pupils. 
 Catchy Comic Dialogues. 
 
 New, clever: for young people. 
 Children's Comic Dialogues. 
 
 Bright, original; for children from 
 
 six to eleven years of age. 
 Dialogues from Dickens. 
 
 Thirteen selections. 
 The Friday Afternoon DiaIo|{ues. 
 
 Twenty-five original pieces; 45,000 
 
 copies sold. 
 From Tots to Teens. 
 
 Dialogues for vouths.children.little 
 
 tots; pieces for special occasions. 
 When the Lessons are Over. 
 
 Dialogues, drills, plays. 
 Wide A>vake Dialogues. 
 
 Brand new, original, successful. 
 
 SPEAKERS. MONOLOGUES. 
 
 Choice Pieces for Little People. 
 
 A child's speaker. 
 
 The Comic Entertainer. 
 
 Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
 
 Dialect ReadingEs. 
 
 Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
 
 The Favorite Speaker. 
 Choice prose and poetry 
 
 The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
 For pupils of all ages. 
 
 Humorous Monoloitues. 
 
 For amateur and professional mon- 
 ologists. Particularly for ladies. 
 
 The Patriotic Speaker. 
 
 Master thoughts of master minds. 
 
 The Poetical Entertainer. 
 
 Choice poems for reading or 
 speaking; fine illustrations. 
 
 Pomes ov the Peepul. 
 
 Wit, humor, satire; funnypoems for 
 reading or speaking; illustrated. 
 
 Scrap-Book Recitations. 
 
 Choice collections, pathetic, hum- 
 orous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 
 14 Nos., per No., 23c. 
 
 DRILLS. 
 
 The Best Drill Book. 
 
 Very popular drills and marches. 
 The Favorite Book of Drills. 
 
 Drills that sparkle with originality. 
 The Surprise Drill Book. 
 
 Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 
 
 SPECIALTIES. 
 
 The Days We Celt;brate. 
 
 Entertainments for all the holidays. 
 Good Things for Christmas. 
 
 Recitations, monologues.exercises, 
 
 dialogues, drills, tableaux, etc. 
 The Little Folks, or Work and Play. 
 
 A s'em of a book. 
 The Little Folks* Budget. 
 
 Easy pieces to speak, songs 
 One Hundred Entertainments. 
 
 New parlor diversions, socials. 
 Pranks and Pastimes. 
 
 Parlor games for children. 
 School and Parlor Tableaux. 
 
 For school, church and parlor. 
 Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 
 
 Charades, and how to prepare. 
 Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 
 
 New and novel. For all ages. 
 Twinkling Finders and Sivayinit 
 
 Figures. Finger plays, motion 
 
 songs, catchy music; illustrated. 
 
 HAND BOOKS. 
 
 The Debater's Handbook. 
 
 Bound only in cloth, 50c. 
 Everybody's Letter Writer. 
 
 A Handy Manual. 
 Good Manners. 
 
 Etiquette in brief form. 
 Private Theatricals. 
 
 Selecting piays, cast, rehearsals, 
 stage setting, rain, lightning, eto. 
 Social Card Games. 
 Complete in brief form. 
 
 MINSTRELS. JOKES. 
 
 Black American Joker. 
 
 Minstrels and end men's gags. 
 A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy, 
 
 Original cross fire conversations, 
 
 monologues and stump speeches. 
 Ne|{ro Minstrels. 
 
 All about the business. 
 The New Jolly Jesler. 
 
 Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 
 
 Lariie Illustrated CntaloiJue Free. 
 
 T. S. DENISON. Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 
0^ y^r^, 'O;, A 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 •*^o< 
 
 
 
 
 HECKMAN 
 
 BINDERY INC. 
 
 ^. MAY 85 
 
 '^8!^ N. MANCHESTER,