PS 3515 .fll7 B3 1922 I Copy 1 =^ ..IE BACKFIRE A Comedy-Drama in Three Acts BY EUGENE HAFER Price 35 Cents Eldridge Entertainment House Franklin, Ohio ^b^ Denver, Colo. 944 So. Logan Street L-J ERE is a list of very clever child- ll impersonations or good encores for children. The lines are by Margaret Fassitt, the music by Anna and Harry C. Eidridge. They will be winners on your program. Ain't It The Umil? ) When You Ask About Your Fixins f soc Both in one number If Santa Shouldn't Come To Me| _ Tve Been And Had The Measles ) soc Both in one number Both in one number I Wish I Had A Ginger-cake ) Our Twins ) soc When Grandpop Was A Boy ] When Daddy Took Me Up i ^, In A 'PfcineJ Eidridge Entertainment House FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 944 S. Logan St. Both in one number The Backfire A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS By EUGENE HAFER Copyright 1922, Eldridge Entertainment House Published By ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO NOTICE! ^ \C\^^ Terms of Royalty This play is protected by copyright and the rights of presentation are given only upon compliance with the following conditions: Royalty for one performance - - $10.00 Royalty for two performances - - $15.00 Each performance thereafter - - - $5.00 Royalty payable before performance. Cast of Characters BiLLiE — A Clerk in the oiTice of Morrison and Morrison. Harry Langdon — Who thinks Six Months Work a Year should be the legal limit. Winnie — The Source of all of Billie's Joys and Sorrows. Grace — Harry's guiding Star. Bruce Morrison — Part Owner of the firm of Morrison and Morrison; one of New York's heaviest Speculators. Stanley Royson — Who is working from Necessity, not Choice, even as you and I. Dorothy Gray — Morrison's Private Secretary. Brent Locksley — A Rising young Lawyer. Hopkins — Butler at Winnie's Home. DEC 30 mi ®^^° ^^^''^^ THE BACKFIRE ACT I. Scene — Office of Morrison and Morrison. New York City. Doors royiU, Lejt and center. Table desk down R. Table desk doivn L, with several journals or ledgers\ Telephone on each desk, ivith ink well, pens, etc. Chairs up K and L. Filing cabinets and other office furniture should be used as necessary. This scene shoidd conve^, the impression of a successful brokerage concern. Time: About 11:80 a. m. As curtain rises, Billie, a young felloiu of about 21, is disco vbita pacmg impaUentty back and forth. Occa- sionally he LOOKS out door C, then continues pacing. (Enter Harry, a well-dressed young fellow of about 25, Jiui rivuly.) Harry — {breathlessly) Billy, what in thunder — Billie — (quickly; looking in alarm at door R) Sh- not so louu. iViOiirison's on tne war path again this morning. Harry — (in a u-hisper) What's the trouble? Billie — ^Stan didn't show up for work this morning. Harry — But what in thunder was the idea of call- ing me up and hurrying me down here this morning? Billie — Winnie called up and said she had some- thing real imporumt to tell us and that she and Grace would be right down. Harry — What do they want? Billie — {shrugging shoulders) Search me. Did you tacKie old man Mansur last night about marrying Grace ? 3 The Backfire Harry — (in disgust) Yes. But I couldn't get any satisfaction out of him. He wants to talk the matter over with Winnie's father before giving a definite an- swer. Did you see Mr. Weston about marrying Winnie? BiLLiE — f glumly) Yes. Harry — Well, what did he say? BiLLiE — He just sat back in his chair and laughed. Harry — Well, I don't blame him. I'll bet the way you asked him was a scream. Did he say anything? BiLLiE^ — Yes. Same old line. Wants to discuss the matter first with Grace's father. Harry — {Throtvs up both hands in disgust) Great Scott! Can't they do anything without first holding a consultation? I'll bet they go into executive session to decide whether or not to eat breakfast. BiLLiE — {impatiently) I wish they would hurry up. This business is getting on my nerves. {Enter Winnie and Grace, C, both neatly dressed, in shopping attire. Winnie is nineteen, bright and bub- bling, while Grace is slightly her senior.) Winnie — {cheerfully) Well, I see we're all here. BiLLiE — {hurrying over and meeting her eagerly) Winnie, what did he say? Did he say "yes"? Grace — (laughing) Not so fast, Billie. "When ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." Harry — (discouraged) That's enough. You need- n't tell us the answer now. BlLLlE — (despairingly) Then the answer is "no"? Winnie — Not exactly. That will depend on you. Grace — (Laughs) If you can check your impar tience until we sit down, we'll tell you all about it. (Harry and Billie bring up chairs for the girls with breackneek speed.) Billie — (impatiently) Winnie, don't keep me in suspense any longer. He didn't say "no"? The Backfire Winnie — Well, listen. Mr. Mansur called on dad last night, and while they were together they talked over our engagements — and came to an agreement. BiLLiE — (eagerly) Agreement that we could get married ? Gra.ce — No, indeed. (Billie assumes extremely crestfallen manner.) An agreement to our engagements — provided — Harry — (sarcastically) Now, it's coming. I'll bet my Christmas jewelry he wants me to go to work. BiLLiE — (impatiently) Yes, yes — provided what? Winnie — Are you sure you can stand the shock, Billie? Harry — Shock! In this age of knee dresses and rolled stockings! Nothing shocks us any more. So let's have it. Grace — Provided — you can each show your ability to earn $5,000 a year. (Billie and Harry drop into chairs stunned.) BiLLiE — (dazedly) $5,000 a year!!! Harry — Grace, you don't mean $5,000? Grace — Exactly. We thought it would upset you a bit. Billie — (appealingly) Winnie, they can't mean $5,000. Winnie — (easily) Oh, yes they can. The minute you demonstrate your ability to earn $5,000 a year, they consent to our engagements. Harry — (glumly) That will be when Packards sell for thirty cents. Billie, we're done. Billie — (complainingly) It's mighty funny — the best looking girls in this world always have the worst fathers. Grace — Well, I'm sure if I tried real hard I could earn $5,000 a year, couldn't you, Winnie? Thousands are doing it. 6 The Backfire Winnie — {with slight toss of head) Hundreds of thousands. Harry — Yes, and ther are hundreds of millions who aren't doing it. (Bell off stage R, rings violently several times.) BiLLiE — (jumps to his feet in alarm) Good Lord, Morrison! (In great excitement) Hurry up! Hide be- hind the door' — hide anywhere! Winnie — (in alarm) Why, Billie, what's the mat- ter? BiLLlE — (pulling her hurriedly toward door C) Mat- ter! Morrison's on the war path this morning. And if he finds all of you people visiting me this morning there will be murder sure. (Exit Winnie, precipitately C.) Grace — (hurrying to door L, pulling Harry with her) Oh, good heavens ! Come on Harry. (Exeunt Har- ry and Grace L.) (Enter Morrison R, furiously.) Morrison — (looking around furiously) Where's that young scoundrel? BiLLiE — (looking apprehensively at door L and door C) He — he hasn't come down yet. Morrison — (Bangs desk with his fist) He hasn't? Then, where is he? BiLLiE — (edging nervously farther away) I — I don't know. Morrison — Well, why don't you know? People who work for me must know everything. Who was that talking in here before? BiLLiE — (frightened) Why — er — nobody. Morrison — Nobody, eh! There was somebody talking in here. Who was it? BiLLiE — I — I was talking to myself. Morrison — (scathingly) Talking to yourself! Young man, in the future find somebody with intelli- gence to talk to. The Backfire EiLLiE — Yes, sir. Morrison — And when that young scoundrel, Roy- son, comes in, send him in to me immediately, do you hear, immediately. (Exit angrily, R.) BiLLiE — (Sinks exhausted into chair. Motions weakly for others to come in.) All right, Winnie — (looking in door C, nervously) Is — is he gone? Harry — (looking in door L) Is he gone? BiLLiE — (limply) Yes. (Winnie, Grace and Harry enter timidly.) Harry — (whispers) By George, that man would make a great second lieutenant. Winnie — (nervously) Why was he so angry, Billie? BiLLiE — Stan didn't show up for work this morn- ing. Grace — Poor old Stan. Always in trouble. Billie — And just when Miss Cray had Stan trying to do better, too. Winnie — Miss Gray? Who is that? Billie — Mr. Morrison's new secretary. Pretty as a picture. Stan fell head over heels in love with her the first time he saw her, and ever since he has been trying to do better. Now for a week he's been down to work on time, until today — Grace — But father says Stan Royson is one of the best young stock-and-bond men in the city. Harry — I'll bet he doesn't make $5,000 a year. Billie — $5,000! Believe me, Stan's got a real job ahead of him. Winnie — (in surprise) What do you mean? Billie — Miss Grey thinks Stan is possessed of ex- ceptional ability. She has told Stan that she will con- sider him a failure unless he makes use of that ability and earns $10,000 a year. The Backfire Harry — Oh, these women! They think it's as easy to make $10,000 as it is'to spend it. Grace — {looking apprehensively at door R) I think we'd better go, Winnie. Suppose he should come in again! What time do you go out to lunch, Billie? BiLLiE — But wait. We haven't finished that $5,000 business yet. Harry — -If we wait for lunch until we finish that, we'll starve. We'll come back for you in about half an hour. Billie — All right. (Winnie, Grace and Harry ex- eunt C. Billie walks over to desk L, and leans hack iri deep thought. Mutters disgustedly.) $5,000! Ye gods! Why didn't he make it five million? (Enter Stanley Royson, C, breathlessly. He is a young felloiv about twenty-seven or -eight, well dressed.) Stan — Billie, I have the darnedest luck. How's the old man? Is he very sore? Billie — {Looks Stan over from head to foot and pretcfids not to knoiv him.) Were you speaking to me, sir? Stan — {impatiently) Ah, come, Billie. Stop the foolishness. Am I in for it or not? Billie — Well, if it isn't our old friend, Stan! You haven't been around here for so long a time, I forgot that you were working here. What was it this time? Cabaret? Stan — (disgustedly) No, carburetor. (Anxious- ly) Has Morrison been asking for me? Billie — No, he's been demanding that someone go out and bring you in dead or alive. Stan — (nervously) Do you think I'd better go home and play sick? Billie — He's been calling for you every five min- utes since nine o'clock. Every time I answer his bell this morning I acquire some beautiful additions to my vocabulary. The Backfire Stan — {wryly) Whew! I suppose I'm in for it. BiLLiE — I know you are. I'll go in and tell him that you have arrived. That will please him. {Starts for door R.) Stan — {stops him) You'll do nothing of the kind. Do you want to see me murdered in cold blood? We have to think up some kind of an excuse. BiLLiE — We do? Stan, old boy, we don't But if you'll listen to these words of wisdom, you'll think of something in a mighty big hurry, because I'm expecting that bell to have another convulsion any second. Stan — Billie, there's one thing about you that I like. You're so wonderfully encouraging. Billie — Well, let's have the whole story. Carbu- retor, eh? Sounds fishy . You'll have to invent a better one than that for old Morrison. Stan — But that is what caused the trouble. I started out this morning with the best of intentions of getting down here before Morrison. Billie — (sarcastically) Sounds good so far. Stan — But it was such a beautiful morning, I de- cided to take a little spin out into the country. I went farther than I intended, and then, when I was about ten miles from civilization — Billie — Yes, and then — Stan — Then that confounded carburetor went back on me. Billie — You'll have to invent a better one than that. Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, but that story won't soothe old Morry. Stan — But, Billie, can't you think of some scheme? Billie — The only sensible scheme for you to adopt is to go out and buy a suit of armor. Stan — (complainingly) That's the one thing I don't like about these business men. They're so particular about having people come dovm to work every day. 10 The Backfire BiLLiE — (^sarcastically) Yes, it's a deuced nuisance. Stan — WTiat caused the extra violence of the storm this morning? BiLLiE — Something about that American Fur stock deal. Stan — (grabs up calendar violently) Good Lord! Was that transaction to be carried out this morning? (Whistles.) .Whew! I guess I am in for it. BiLLiE — So it appears. But can't that transaction be carried out this afternoon as well as this morning? Stan — No. That's where the rub comes in. I'm not going into that transaction at all. BiLLiE — And why not? Stan — Because it's crooked. BiLLiE — You mean to say that Morrison is going to try something that isn't entirely above board? Stan — Don't mention this to a soul, Billie, but every big transaction that Morrison has put through this year has been crooked. (Enter Dorothy, R. She is a strong-charactered, refined girl of twenty-one, dressed in neat business at- tire.) Stan — (crossing over to her eagerly) Good morn- ing, Miss Gray. Dorothy — Good afternoon, Mr, Royson. Billie — Good evening, Mr. Royson. Stan — (looks at watch) Eleven-thirty. Good NIGHT! Dorothy — (seating herself at desk R.) Mr. Morri- son wished to see you as soon as you came in, Mr. Roy- son. He's terribly angry. Stan — (complainingly) Don't some people get an- gry over the smallest trifles? Billie — (rises and starts for door R.) I'll tell him you've come, Stan. The Backfire 11 Stan— (tmrnedly) Here, wait a moment. I have- n't thought of a single excuse except that confounded carburetor. Do you think that one is all right? BiLLiE — I'm quite sure you will find it is not. Dorothy — If you don't go in there to see him, he'll come in here to see you. So don't you think you'd better go now and get it off your mind ? Stan — (resignedly) I'd rather have it on my mind than have him on my neck. Well, here goes. (Buttons up coat; tugs nervously at collo.r.) Billie, I like motor funerals best, (Musters up courage; bravely starts for door R, then stops lamely.) 1 — T believe I'll wait a few minutes. Billie — Sure, take your time, Stan. But shut the door when you go in. I'm not used to that kind of lan- guage. Stan — (sitting on edge of Dorothy's desk; com- plainingly) I'm the unluckiest fellow in the whole world. Miss Gray. Only yesterday I made a complete schedule of new resolutions, even had them typewritten: that I would never be late for work again ; that I would always do my best to please old Morrison; and then — Dorothy — And then — Billie — (sarcastically) A little soft music would go well here. Stan — And then that confounded carburetor had to go back on ine. (Pathetically.) Now, that wasn't my fault, was it, Miss Gray? There I was out on that coun- try road, ten miles from nowhere, and had to walk all the way in to town. Billie — This is too sad. Dorothy — (compelled to laugh in spite of herself) Poor Mr. Royson. You do have the awfullest luck, don't you? Stan — Rotten. You don't think it's my fault, do you? 12 The Backfire BiLLiE — Stan, old boy, it's not what she thinks, that is going to count. Just wait till you hear old Morrison's verdict. Dorothy — Why not go in and explain the matter just as it happened? Perhaps when he sees that you have been trying to do better it may help matters some- what. Stan- — (dubiously) Yes, it might help some if I can get in enough words to explain. BiLLiE — You'll do mighty well to get any farther than the door without trying to do any explaining. Stan — Billie, you're such a comfort in a pinch. BiLLiE — (7-ises with ledger) If that bell of mine has another fit while I'm gone, you just answer it. (Exit L.) Dorothy — (seriously) Mr. Royson, you're treat- ing this matter as a jest. Mr. Morrison is really very angry this morning. Some day there will be a real crash. Stan — (ruefully) It seems the crash is here right now. Dorothy — But why do you treat your work so lightly? You know there are thousands of young men who would give much to have the opportunities that you have here. Stan — (looking dubiously at door R) I wish one of them had the job right now — for about ten minutes. Dorothy — Why don't you try to make something of yourself — to be a leader in the world of business; to be pointed out as one of the successful men of the day? Stan — (shakes head) Doesn't produce a ghost of a thrill. Dorothy — (hopelessly) Then there is absolutely nothing you care about? Stan — Until a month ago, nothing. In fact, at that time I was thinking seriously of handing in my resigna- tion to Morrison and Morrison. The Backfire 13 Dorothy — (surprised) Why? Stan — I didn't like my employers. I couldn't stand Morrison's tantrums and, I'm almost ashamed to say it, I detest Dorothy Morrison. Dorothy — (rising half way in her chair in aston- ishment, then sitting again quickly. Agitated.) Why — why — what has she to do with it? Stan — Dorothy Morrison owns a large interest in this business. Morrison, our amiable employer, is her uncle and he manages both interests, while aristocratic Dorothy enjoys herself at the various resorts. Right now, she's at Atlantic City. Dorothy — (hiding her agitation) But — but, I did- n't know you had ever met Dorothy Morrison. Stan — I never have. But I've read and heard enough of her. Every paper I pick up I find columns de- voted to her extravagances. Dorothy Morrison gives gorgeous reception in the Morrison mansion; Dorothy Morrison sails for Europe; Dorothy Morrison everywhere I look. And do you know, Miss Gray, that is why we are working here: to support her in these gorgeous social triumphs. Dorothy — (carefully) And — and, you've never seen her? Stan — Just once, about a month ago. She came down here to the office one day — about a day or two be- fore you started to work here — in a Packard car like a Persian princess; chauffeur, footmen and all accessor- ies; sailed through the office without condescending to look right or left — in fact she took pains to veil her face as she went through. Dorothy — I often feel sorry for these wealthy peo- ple. Everybody hates them. I imagine she must be miserable. Stan — Not she. She doesn't condescend to give people like you and me even a passing thought. 14 The Backfire Dorothy — Then I suppose you are absolutely hope- less. Nothing seems to interest you. Stan — I said a month ago I had no incentive. Dorothy — And has a miracle happened within the month to make you change your mind? Stan — Yes, the greatest miracle of the age. Then you started to work here. Dorothy — (laughs) It's impossible to be angry with you. But, seriously, Mr. Royson, did you ever take yourself to task? Did you ever pin yourself down to the question, "am I a success or am I a failure?" Stan — Yes, I have. Dorothy — And what was the unbiased verdict? Stan — I'm a failure, of course. Dorothy — You admit you're a failure and yet you sit back actionless? Stan — (avkwardhj) Miss Gray, you do have a way of making a fellow feel like a schoolboy taking a licking. Dorothy — When you were off to college you prob- ably took part in athletic meets — perhaps you were a member of the football squad, or the baseball team. Stan — {becoming interested) I should say. Why, our football team won the intercollegiate championship. Dorothy — Did you ever have a man on your team who, at the beginning of the season was full of enthusi- asm, pep an(J energy, eager to be in the fray; but when the first enthusiasm had spent itself, when the team was in need of pluck, energy, resourcefulness, and grit, sud- denly lost interest in the struggle, lapsed into a condi- tion of coma, and made his team mates bear the brunt of the struggle? Stan — By Jove, you've described Buck Horner to a "t"! Buck was a great football player, but we had to get rid of him; he just simply had no grit. Buck was once a great friend of mine, too, but when he showed up so spineless in that final game, friendship turned into contempt. The Backfire 15 Dorothy — (eagerly) But don't you see, your course is infmitely more contemptuous than Buck Hornar's was. Those football games were play; whether you won or whether you lost, exerted no great or lasting influence on your life. But what Buck Horner did in a trivial con- test, you are doing in the big contest of life. The first glamor and enthusiasm has left you, the struggle has grown tiresome, the goal seems so far away ; so like Buck Horner, you have decided to let your teammates carry the burden of the struggle, and quit. Stan — By Jove, Miss Gray, you do make it sound bad. DoROTViY'—^ earnestly) Please forgive me for talk- ing so plainly, but I do so want to awaken you to your real possibilities. Mr. Morrison is paying you $250 a mcn^h. Is that a salary for a man who has a reputation as being one of the best stock and bond e-perts in the city of New York? Every man who has not reached the very height of his possibilities is a failure. A sewer dig- ger may be a success; that may have been the height of his possibilities; the govarnor of a state may be a fail- ure, for by greater effort he r^ight have been president. Stan — (grimly) And what do you think my possi- bilities are? Dorothy — (tvith conviction) You're a better man than Hodgson : he's making $8,000 a year. You're a bet- ter m.an than Blake; he's making $12,000. You're a bet- ter roan than Masters; he's making $15,000. Stan — (astonished) And, by comparison I should be making — Dorothy — Until you are making $20,000 a year, Mr. Royson, I shall be disappointed in you. •Stan — (stunned) And I'm making $3,000 now. Whew!! Dorothy — But you haven't been trying. You've been drifting with the tide. You can do it. I know you can. 16 The Backfire Stan — (rising) By Jove, Miss Gray, you almost make me believe it myself. I have been a slacker. I had given up hope. But you have put a new spirit into me. I told you I had no incentive. I have one now. From now on, I'm going to make a real fight, with your appro- val as the final goal. Dorothy — (Rises. Impidsively) And you'll win, too, Mr. Royson, I know you'll win. {Bell rings violently off stage.) Stan — {Rushes to door L) Billie! Billie! {Hur- ries to door C.) Billie! (Excitedly.) Now, where in thunder did that chump go? Billie! Billie — (hurrying in L.) What's all the row about? Stan — (starts pushing him off R.) Your bell rang. {Bell rings violently again.) Don't you hear it? Hurry up! Billie — I heard it, all right. Why don't you answer it? {Bell rings violently again.) Stan — (grimly) Billie, if you don't answer that bell in about two seconds, I'll punch your head for you. Billie — Well, if he murders me, you're responsible for it. I'm going to tell him you're here. (Billie starts for door R, loses courage, starts back. Bell rings again. Billie hurries off R.) Stan — (wipes forehead ivith handkerchief) Talk about the monotony of business. A month's work in this office would make Chateau Thiery seem like a game of ping pong. Dorothy — (excitedly) Billie is going to tell him that you have come. He'll insist on seeing you, now. Stan — I'm afraid he will. Dorothy — But what are you going to do? Stan — (resignedly) I'll call up all the hospitals. {Enter Billie, R, excitedly.) The Backfire 17 BiLLiE — Here he comes, Stan. Is your insurance paid up? I'm going to get out of the line of fire. {Exit, L, hurriedly.) Stan — {pacing hack and forth excitedly. Finally places himself left of desk L, so that desk is between himself and Morrison's door) You'd better get out of the line of fire, too, Miss Gray. I'm afraid he isn't going to be very choicy about his language.- Dorothy — (excitedly) Can't you think of some way that I might help you out? Stan — (looking nervously at door R) I'm beyond human help this time. {Gulps nervously) Look out, here he comes. (Tense pause. All stand staring expectantly at door R. Enter Morrison, R. He stands in doorway glaring at Stan, who nervously edges farther around table.) Morrison — {furiously) So ! Stan — (Tugs at collar, gidps nervously G-good morning. Morrison — So ! ! Dorothy — (appealinghj) Mr. Morrison, it really wasn't Mr. Royson's fault, he — Morrison — (thunderingly) Silence. Leave the room until I finish this business with this young scape- goat. (Dorothy starts for door R, then stops, looking ap^ pealingly at Morrison. Exit quickly R.) Morrison — So! You have decided hereafter your office hours shall be from twelve to four. Stan — No, — sir, I — Morrison — Tell me, sir, what do you mean by pre- senting yourself at this office at twelve o'clock? Stan — (looks at watch. Apologetically) I — I've got eleven-forty. Morrison — Answer me, sir, what do you mean by these disgraceful actions? 18 The Backfire Stan — {talking rapidly) I started off for the of- fice this morning in plenty of time, but — Morrison — SILENCE ! I'll give you to understand, young man, that this thing is going to stop right here and now. When your father asked me to take you into this office, I thought I could make a man out of you. Man! Bah! You never will grow up into a man; man- hood means character, will power. You're a drifter with the tide. Do you realize that, sir? Stan — Yes, sir, but you see, that carburetor — Morrison — For nine years I've worked with you, trying to make something out of you. What is the re- sult? You come down to work at noon. To make some- thing out of anyone you must have something to start with. For nine years I've been working on a chunk of clay. Stan — Well, you see, that carburetor — Morrison — (furiously) Carburetor! Carbure-tor ! ! Don't you ever think of anything but pleasure? And, do you realize, that today is the day we are to put over that American Fur deal? And on this day you come down to work at noon. Oh, will this country ever produce any- thing but young fools! Imbeciles and fools! Stan — {gathering courage) If you'll let me ex- plain — Morrison — (violently) Get out all the data we have on American Fur right away, before I lose my temper and forget that this is supposed to be a civilized coun- try. Stan — I'm sorry, but I can't go in with you — Morrison — Well, what are you standing there for? {Sarcastically.) Or perhaps you prefer to rest after your morning's exertions, and carry this out at some more convenient time. Stan — No, sir. You see, I don't think I — er — I care to handle that transaction at all. The Backfire 19 Morrison — What ! ! Stan — I — er — don't tliink I care to go in on that deal. Morrison — You don't care to go in. You don't care. And since when, young man, has it become necessary for yo^i to make any decisions in this office? Stan — I don't like the general aspect of this prop- osition. Morrison — Is it any different from dozens of oth- ers we have handled this year? Stan — No, sir — but — Morrison— Then why the sudden Sunday School attitude? Stan — The truth of the matter is, I don't think the proposition a fair one. Nearly every deal we have hand- led this year had for its ultimate object the robbing of the public. Morrison — Can you cite anything we have done within the past year that was not strictly within the law? Stan — No, sir. We were legally right, but morally wrong. Morrison — And is that your decision — that here- after you refuse to take part in any transaction that does not come up to the standard of your newly acquired Sunday School conscience? Stan — I'm afraid it is, sir. Morrison — (leans across table, shakes fist furiously at Stan.) So this is how you repay me for all the pains I have taken to make something out of you! So this is m.y reward for all I have done for you ! Get your things together and get out of here by noon or I'll instruct the janitor to have you thrown out, you young whippersnap- per. In other words, if that isn't plain enough for you, you're discharged; DISCHARGED! (Exit Morrison, furiously, R.) 20 The Backfire {Enter Dorothy, R, hurriedly.) Dorothy — Oh, Mr. Royson, I'm so sorry. Stan — (looking around at door R, nervously) Is — is he g'one? Dorothy — Yes. What are you going to do now? Stan — (starting toward door L, nervously) I'm going to get out of here before he comes back. Dorothy — He went out to lunch. He won't be back for an hour. Stan — (taking no chances) Are you sure? Dorothy — Yes. Stan — (with relieved sigh) Did you hear the erup- tion? Dorothy — I — I couldn't help hearing part of it. Stan — No — I don't think you could. Vesuvius in full eruption couldn't hold a candle to Morrison when he shoots off. Dorothy — (Provoked) But I'm so sorry it hap- pened. Stan — Why be sorry? What's done is done. Do you know, I'm actually glad? Dorothy — (astonished) Glad! Stan — (enthusiastically) Yes. Just think; I won't have to work for Dorothy Morrison any more. Dorothy — (coldly) Yes, that is something. Stan — (with increasing enthusiasm) And, now, I'm going to look for that $20,000 job; I'm going to show you that I'm not really as bad as you think I am. Why, don't you see. Miss Gray, this is just the best thing on earth that could have happened to me? Dorothy — (eagerly) You really are going to try now? Stan — Of course. From now on the world is cre- ated just for the purpose of providing a $20,000 job for me. And I'll find it ,too. And when I have found it, I'll The Backfire 21 come back to you — {changing abruptly.) Do you know, I'm beginning to think I'll miss this old office when I'm gone. Dorothy — I'm sure you will. It must seem like home to you. Stan — Oh, it isn't that. It's only within the past month that I've discovered what a really attractive place this office is. DOROTPIY — Only within the past month? Stan — Yes. That's when you started to work here. Dorothy — (laughs) Am I to understand, Mr. Roy- son, that I am being made love to? Stan — That is the impression I would receive if I were in your place. Dorothy — (lightly) What a shame that such a charming romance should be shattered so soon. Stan — Oh, but it isn't going to be shattered. (Pho7ie rings. Stan picks up receiver.) Stan — Hello. (Pause.) Who? (Pause.) Stanley Royson? I'm sorry, but Mr. Royson is engaged in some very important business right now and can't speak to you. Goodbye. (Hangs receiver.) (To Dorothy.) No, indeed, this romance is not going to be shattered. Dorothy — (lightly) No? Stan— No, indeed. I'm going to find that $20,000 job right in this block; it's necessary to find it in this block, so I can take you out to lunch every day. Dorothy^ — How romantic! Stan — And then every evening I'll come over here and drive you home. By the way, knowing where you live might come in handy. Dorothy — (embarrassed) Why — er — you see, I'm staying with several friends right now. Stan — Oh, that's all right. Where do your friends live? 22 The Backfire (Enter Harry and Grace, C.) Grace — Well, here we are and all ready to go. (Sees Dorothy; stops in spellbound astonishment.) Why, Dor- othy — (Dorothy hurriedly puts her hand to her lips to keep her quiet.) Stan — Oh, Grace and Harry. Come and meet the latest and most charming addition to the Morrison force. Miss Gray, this is Miss Mansur and this is Mr. Langdon. Dorothy — (looks m.eaningly at Grace to keep her quiet.) I'm glad to meet any friends of Mr. Royson. Harry — So this is the young lady who exercises the phenomenal power of handling the bear in his tantrums. I've heard old Morrison is as quiet as a lamb when you step into the arena. Grace — I — I don't think I heard Stan correctly. Did I hear you say Miss Gray? Stan — Miss Dorothy Gray. And now I'm going to leave you to Miss Gray's tender mercies while I perform a few obsequies. I'll be back in a few minutes as soon as I can collect all the paraphernalia in this office that be- longs to me. Grace — (aside to Harry, hurriedly) Harry go out with Stan. I want to see Miss — Miss Gray alone for a few minutes. Harry — Wait a minute, Stan. I'll go with you. Ex- cuse me, will you, ladies? (Exeunt Stan and Harry, L.) Grace — (hurries over to Dorothy) Why, Dorothy Morrison, what does this mean? Dorothy — (quickly, looking around cautiously) Sh! Not so loud or you'll spoil everything. Grace — But what in the world are you doing here? Everybody believes that you are at Atlantic City. Dorothy — I gave out that story to explain my ab- sence from home. Grace — And under an assumed name, too. What on earth are you up to? The Backfire 23 Dorothy — Listen, Grace. I was just simply bored to death with things in general. I couldn't become inter- ested in anything that was going on. I wanted some- thing different from anything that I had ever had before. So I hit upon the brilliant idea of going to work. Grace — Work! Dorothy Morrison work! Well, that was a brilliant idea. Dorothy— You know I have an interest in this bus- iness, so I asked Uncle Bruce to take me in with him. He refused me outright. So I very promptly told him that unless I worked for him I would go out into the city and work for someone else. At that he grudgingly consented to take me, so here I am. Grace — And you have been working here all that time, wble neonle thought you were enjoying yourself at Atlantic City? Dorothy — For two whole months. And, Grace, I'm having the tim.e of my life. Grace — You don't mean to say you really like it! I)on07BY-—{€nthusiastico2ly) Do you knov/ business is the most fascinating experience I've had in all my life? I've met more real live men within the past two months than I've seen in the past twenty years. Grace — But think of the consequences, Dorothy. Stan Royson is hopelessly in love with you right now, I hear. Dorothy — (laughing) In love with me? I wish you could have heard his description of Dorothy Morrison, this morning. Why Grace, Stan Royson detests the very ground I walk on. Grace — (pointedly) And what does he think of Dorothy Gray? Is the ground she treads equally detest- able? Dorothy — In two weeks he'll have forgotten that such a person as Dorothy Gray ever existed. For he leaves the office today. Grace — (surprised) Stan — leaving? 24 The Backfire Dorothy — Yes. Mr. IV^orrison discharged him a few minutes ago. But {looks around cautiously) I'm afraid we'll be disturbed here. Come with me into Mr. Morri- son's sanctum sanctorum, and I'll explain the whole mat- ter to you. (Exeunt Grace and Dorothy, R.) (Billie peeps cautiously in door C. Then he tiptoes carefully in and listens at door R.) Billie — Hm! Storm sef;ms to be over. I wonder what he did with Stan when he finished with him. (Enter Winnie, C.) Winnie — (cheerfully) Well, Billie, I'm all ready for lunch. Billie — (quickly putting hand over her mouth) Sh! Do you w^ant to start it all over again ? Winnie — (mystified) Start what? Billie — A new war. Morrison's on one of his tan- trums and Stan was the first victim ; you'll be next if you aren't careful. Winnie — Is that all ? I thought you were used, to Morrison's tantrums by now. Billie — (looking under table) I can't understand what he did v/ith Stan. Maybe he threw him out of the hall window. W^INNIE — Why, weren't you here to see the fight? Billie — I should say not. As soon as Morrison started for Stan I decided discretion was the better part of valor and got out of the line of fire. Winnie — Well, I suppose he'll get over it. What in the world are you doing with all those papers? Selling the city of New York? Billie — (disgustedly) Worse than that. I've been trying to figure out how to make that $5,000 a year. Winnie — Well, how is it coming? Billie — Rotten. The only way I know of to m.ake $5,000 is to buy a dark lantern and mask and go out some dark night and get it. The Backfire 25 Winnie — Well, that's an idea. In about twenty years, when you get out, you can have a great time on that money. BiLLiE — {comvhmiingly) Why does your father pick on me like this? I've never robbed a bank, or been in jail but once — Winnie — Nor havr:! you astounded the world with brilliant achievements, either, Billie. BiLLiE — But why doesn't he give me time? You don't know but what some day I'll make Henry Ford, Thomas Edison and the rest of that gang look like a bunch of pikers. I've had a poor start but there will be brass bands at the finish. Winnie —Well, it's about time you were started, then. So what's the first move? Billie — 1 don't know. T had it all figured out on paper, that by working all day and all night and Sundays I could do it, except for one thing. Winnie — And what was that? Billie — There aren't enough days in the month. {Enter Harry, L.) Harry — Well, what's the idea of all the weighty ponderance? Somebody dead? Billie — Yes, your brains. Harry — Good, Billie. we'll have a double funeral. Winnie — Billie's been squandering all the station- ery in the office working on his $5,000 job. Have you had any bright ideas yet? Billie — {sarcastically) Harry only had one idea in all his life, and he had double fracture of the brain in getting that one. Harry — Winnie, do you want to be an old maid? Winnie — Not if I can help it. Billie — Nor I, 26 The Backfire Harry — Then, for your own good, for heaven's sake go out and find another man. For when Gabriel blows his horn Billie will still be looking for that $5,000 job. BiLUE — (vindictively) Is that so? Well, I'll just show you now, that I can make $5,000 a year. (Enter Stan, L. He is carrying several books in one arm and a gabardine in the other.) Winnie — Why, Billie, here's Stan now, and he does- n't seem to have any bones broken, either. Where are your crutches, Stan? From Billie's description of what happened between you and Mr. Morrison, you should have three or four surgeons working on you right now. Stan — (laying books and gabardine on desk R.) I managed to keep a desk between us so he couldn't get at me. Otherwise I'd have three or four undertakers working on me. Harry — (pointing to clothes Stan has brought in with hiyn) Going to open a clothing store, Stan? Stan — Don't know yet, but I'm open to suggestions. BiLLTE — What's the idea of the mobilization? Stan — The idea is — I'm. fired. Billie "] UfiRED!! WinnieJ Stan — Fired, discharged, canned, expelled. In other words I was told the firm of Morrison and Morrison could flounder along in the sea of business without the assistance of my able guiding hand. Billie — (in astonishment) But you really aren't fired? Stan — That's the impression I received when the gentleman told me to either get out or be thrown out. Winnie — (astonished) But you've been with this firm ever since you were a boy! Stan — Nevertheless the impression remains fixed in The Backfire 27 my mind that that is the idea he wished to convey. So, now I'll have to conjure up another job. Harry — You haven't anything on Billie and me. We have to find a five thousand dollar a year job. Stan — (shcuts) $5,000 a year! Great Scott, man, I have to find a $20,000 a year job. Winnie — (dazed) $20,000 a year! It went up $10,000! Billie — ?20,000; in one little short year!! Stan — Exactly. Harry — {whistles) $20,000! Five thousand was bad enough, but twenty thousand — why, Great Scott, Stan, I'll wager Morrison doesn't make $20,000 a year, himself. Stan — (easily) Oh, yes, he does. Or rather he did. Harry — But what are you going to do? Stan — Search me. By the way, that clothing sug- gestion of yours wasn't half bad. Billie — (sarcastically) Yes, you'd make a fine clothing dealer. You don't know the difference between a Prince Albert coat and a pair of pajamas. WiiSiKiE— -(seriously) No, Stan, you must stay in the stock and bond business. I've heard any number of people say you are the best stock and bond man in the city. Stan — Well, as 1 said before, all suggestions will be duly appreciated. Harry — Tell us about the row. Perhaps it isn't as bad as you think it is. Stan — It isn't, eh? I wish you had been there. But to tell the truth, I've been thinking of quitting Morrison and Morrison for the past six months. Billie — Well, of all the darned fools! What for? Stan — Because Morrison has been handling trans- actions, which, while strictly within the law, were mor- ally v/rong. 28 The Backfire Harry — And I thought old Morrison was a crank on honesty. Stan — So you see Morrison and I will have to wend our weary ways in opposite directions. In the mean- time it will give all of my friends a chance to suggest some nice, snappy business with which I can astound the world. Harry — (grivning) Manufacture mouse traps. That's a nice, snappy business. BiLLiE — I've got a hard enough time trying to find a $5,000 job for myself without worrying about yours. Stan — You're next, Winnie. You and I seem to have a corner on all the brains in this room. Winnie — (thinking) Why can't three of you go into some business together? BiLhiE-^ (enthusiastically) That's the stuff — brains, youth — why we could m.ake a killing. Harry — All right, let's get busy right now. No time like the present. What kind of business shall we go into? BiLLiE — The aeroplane business. That's in its in- fancy. We can get in on the ground floor and build aero- planes. Stan — But none of us know anything about aero- planes. Harry — And it takes millions of dollars to go into that business. Winnif — And years and years to establish a repu- tation. BiLLiE— Oh, I— I didn't think of that. Harry — (in disgust) That was a fine idea! Here- after we'll appreciate silence from you. Winnie — But we must think of something. (AU stand in deep thought.) Stan — (thoughtfully) I've had an idea for several days — (All crowd around Stan eagerly.) The Backfire 29 BiLLiE — {eanerhi) A business that we can make $5,000 a year out of? Winnie — What is it, Stan? Harry — (pz(shing the others back) Don't crowd; don't crowd. Give him room to think. Stan — Listen. I've been in the stock and bond brokerage business for the past ten years. If anyone ever knew this business I ought to. Winnie — Yes, yes. Stan — W^ell, here's the bright idea. Why can't we three go into the stock and bond business in opposition to Morrison? (Dramatic paiise, then quick action.) W^INNIE — I believe Stan has hit it. Harry — (all r.nthnsiasm) That's the stuff. Start a rival concern and put Morrison out of business. BiLLiE — I can see myself depositing my first five thousand in the bank right now. Stan — But would it be right after working for Morrison as long as I have to start a business in direct opposition to him? Harry — He fired you, didn't he? Winnie — And surely you have a right to exercise your talents in the line of least resistance. Billte — Sure! Survival of the fittest. That's my motto. Harry — And, then too, you said he was crooked. Stan — He's so crooked he needs a corrugated bed to sleep on. BiLLiE — {all enthusiasm) Come on. Let's get started right away. Stan — But wait — where's the money coming from? BiLLiE — Money? V\Tiat money? Stan— The money with which to start business. Harry — (blankly) Do you need money to do it? 30 The Backfire Stan — Of course. And lots of it. Did you imagine they played the market v/ith marbles? BiLLiE — {resignedly) There goes another good idea. I wish some one would come along some day and invent som.e kind of business that didn't need money. Winnie — But isn't there some way in which you could raise funds? Stan — How? Harry — How? BiLLiE — {suddenly} Wait. Suppose we did raise enough money to start this company, could we say, each make about $5,000 a year out of it? Stan— $5,000 ! Why, I've got to make $20,000 a year out of it. BiLLiE — And there is a chance that we might make that much a year? Stan — Nothing is impossible. BiLLiE — And Winnie, you don't think your father will change his mind about that $5,000 a year business? Winnie — Not until Gibralter crumbles. BiLi.iE — Then rent the office. We're going into bus- iness. Stan — And do business with ideas? BiLLiE — No. Listen; I've got another idea. Harry — Is it any better than the last one? EiLLiE — On my twenty-first birthday I inherit $8,000. I think I can borrow $2,000 more from Dad. Stan ought to have about $10,000 and so ought Harry, if he hasn't squandered it within the past two years. Stan — {quickly) By Jove! That ivould make thirty- thousand dollars. Harry — And thirty thousand dollars is not to be sneered at. Winnie — But would that be enough to start with? Stan — I believe we could. If Harry and Billie can The Backfire 31 raise their share of the money. Harry — I've got mine. BiLLiE — And I'll get mine. Stan — By Jove! I believe we can do it. Harry- — With Stan as president, and I'll be vice president. BiLLiE — Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where do I come in on those jobs? Harry — Oh, we'll let you be office boy. (Enter- Dorothy and Grace, R.) Winnie — (eagerly) Oh. Grace, Miss Gray, come here. Got a big secret to tell you. Grace — A secret? BiLLiE — (enthusiastically) Yes. Guess what. Stan, Harry and I are going into business. Dorothy — Into buiness? Harry — And we're going to make five thousand dol- lars a year. Stan— (correcting him) $20,000 a year, Harry. Winnie — Won't it be wonderful? Dorothy — But I don't understand. Where are you going into business? BiLLiE — (importantly) Oh, we haven't picked our place of business yet. Stan — Oh, yes, we have, Billie. Don't you remem- ber the board of directors decided we will establish right here in this block. BiLLiE — I must have been figuring profits when that happened. Grace — But what kind of business are you going into? Harry — The only business we know anything about. The— Stan — (quickly interrupting) Oh, but that would be divulging a business secret. At the last executive ses- 32 The Backfire sion of our board of directors it was decided that no in- formation should be given regarding the company's bus- iness until business cp.erations are begun. You remem- ber that, don't you, Billie? BiLLiE — (niystifierl) I guess I must have been ab- sent from that meeting. Winnie — But Stan, you can't start in business here. There are no suitable offices vacant. Stan — Then we'll have to build some. The future president of this company has already signed a contract with Miss Gray to take her out to lunch every day, which will make it absolutely necessary that he do business in this vicinity. Dorothy — {laughs) And has your board given that weighty matter favorable consideration? Stan — (signifi,cantly) They will, or — there will be a new board of directors. Grace— But you don't mean to say that you really and truly are going into" business? Harry — Absolutely. We're going to show them what a real com.pany looks like. BiLLiE — Sure. Rugs on the floors — Winnie — Curtains on the windows — BiLLiE — And don't forget the most impotrant part of all : cigars for the hard-working officers. Harry — Of course. But the office boy wouldn't come in on those. Grace— And of course, you'll always have a box of candy handy for your lady callers. Stan — Perhaps we might serve tea even,^ afternoon too. Billie — And then all go to the matinee after that. Dorothy — (langhs) Wonderful. But when are you going to do business? The Backfire 33 Stan — Business. Oh, yes, we forgot all about that. Oh, we'll do a little business when we haven't anything else to do. BiLLiE — Oh, yes, and then the board of directors de- cided that Winnie should help us arrange the office, did- n't they, Stan? Stan — That must have happened at a meeting when / was absent . How about you, Harry? Harry — I must have been absent, too. BiLLiE — Oh, I was the only director present at that meeting. (All laugh.) Grace— Oh, Harry, T already see visions of a* won- derful company, with you making about $20,000 a year. Harry — Wait a minute. $5,000 is enough to start with. That's the height of my ambition right now. Wjnnie — And, Billie, what is the height of your ambition ? Billie — $5,000 a year — and Winnie. (All laugh.) Dorothy — And you, Mr. Royson. Will this company realize your ambitions? Stan — You bet it will. I'm going to make that $20,000 and— Dorothy — Yes — and — Stan — (enthusiastically) — and just think. At last I'll be rid of Dorothy Morrison. Grace — ( horrified) Stan ! ! CURTAIN 34 The Backfire ACT 11. Scene 1. Office of Royson mid Co7npany. Doors Right, Left and Center. Table desk R, table desk L, and also center. Phon? on Center desk. Filing cabinets; stock ticker to right of door C. Chair at each desk and one or two others. Box of ciqars on desk R: This scene should be tasteful but not elaborate. Time — Owe month later. As curtain rises Billie is discovered at desk R, deeply engrossed in some vrohlem.. He has puffed himself into a cloud of smoke. {Enter Harry, L.) Harry — (watching Billie for a feto moments.) What's the idea of the five pencils, Billie? Billie — I need five pencils for this job. Harry — Some job! What are you doing? Billie — Figuring how much income tax I'll have to pay when I make five thousand dollars a year. Harry — Fine. Figure mine, too, while you're at it. Billie — What are you going to do with your first five thousand? Harry — Buy out Rockefeller's interest in Standard Oil. What are you going to do with yours? Billie — Buy out Winnie's dad's interest in Winnie. Harry — Where are the books of this company? I want to see how much profit we've made so far. Billie — Books? This company doesn't keep books. I had enough of that at Morrison's. Harry — Of course we keep books. The Secretary is supposed to handle them. The Backfire 35 BiLLiE — (sarcastically) Is that so? And what, may I ask, is the Vice President supposed to do? Harry — Oh, he's supposed to see to it that the Sec- retary does it right. BiLLTE — Before we try to keep books, we'd better get some business to use the books on, Harry— Funny we aren't getting any business. BiLLiE — (sarcastically) Yes, isn't it? Harry — Where's Stan ? BiLLTE — Still investigating that Pan American Su- gar tip that Morrison gave us. Harry — Mighty decent of old Morry to help us out like that. BiLLiE — I say it was. Pm strong for Morry now. When he gave us the tip that that stock was going to boom you could have knocked m.e over with a feather. Harry — It's been two days now since we bought. That stock ought to be going up soon now. BiLLiE — Give it time. Give it time. You can't ex- pect to make five thousand dollars in two or three days. (Phone rings on center desk . Harry walks over and picks up receiver.) Harry ~(mfo mouthpiece) Hello! * * Yes, Roy- son and Company. * ^' Wait just a moment. (Holds hand over mouthpiece. To Billie.) Here's a bird wants some information about stocks. What will I do? Tell him the brain of the company is out? Billie — Not on your life. Find out what he wants to know and then ask me. Harry — (scathingly) You! You know a lot about stocks. Billie — Huh! I ought to. Pve owned about all the bad ones. Harry — (into phone) All right. What particular stock did you want to know about? * * Just a mo- ment. (To Billie.) Bainbridge Texas Irrigation Co. 36 The Backfire BiLLiE — No good — watered. Harry — (into phone) No good. Watered. Any more? * * Just a moment. (To Billie.) Black- more Undertaking Co. Billie — Dead. Harry — Dead. Anything else? (Pause. To Billie.) Now he wants to know if we can suggest some booming concern for investment. Billie — Sure. Hamilton Fireworks Co. Their bus- iness is always booming. Harry — (into phone) Hamilton Fireworks Co. * * Yes, sir. They do a very booming business. * * Goodbye. (Enter Stan, quickly.) Stan — (briskly) All right "And Company." Let's have a meeting of the Board of Directors. Billie — Good. Wait till I bring the cigars. (Stan sits at desk C. Billie stands to right and Harry to left of desk.) Harry — You don't mean to say we're actually going to start doing business? Stan— Fellows, I've got some bad news for you. Billie — So have I. Our cigars are running low. Harry — All right, Stan. I guess we can stand it. Let's have it all at once. Stan — We've just lost i/tree thousand dollars. Harry] — What!! BillieJ Stan — We've just lost three thousand dollars! Billie — (stunned) We've lost three thousand dol- lars ! ! Harry — But we can't afford to lose three thousand dollars. The Backfire 37 Stan — People do lots of things nowadays they can't afford to do. BiLLiE — But. Stan, we didn't really lose three thou- sand dollars? Harry — Great Scott! How could we? We haven't fairly started yet. Stan — That tip Morrison gave us was bad. Btllie — You don't mean to say — Harry — Good Lord! Morrison surely wouldn't do a trick like that. Stan — Morrison knew that tip was bad when he gave it to us. He wanted to see us cleaned out. Harry — And he did it deliberately? Stan — Exactly. BiLLiE — And we lose three thousand dollars. Stan — And we lose three thousand dollars. {BilHe ivalhs over to desk R, picks up papers that he has been Hguring on, tears them in tivo and throwi into ivastepaper basket.) Harry — What's that you're tearing up, Billie? BiLLiE — {in deep disgust) Income tax on my Five Thousand dollar job. I don't need it now. Harry — Here's a new problem for you. If a firm loses three thousand dollars in two weeks, how much will it lose in a year? Stan — That isn't all the news I have. Bii.LiE — (vjith emphasis) You had a-plenty. I move we adjourn the meeting. Stan — But this is good news. Harry — Well, I think we might stand a little of that. Stan — I was a little afraid of that tip Morrison gave us, so instead of investing thirty thousand dollars, I risked only Five. The Backfire Harry — (ivhistles) Otherwise we should have lost eighteen thousand dollars? Stan — Exactly. BiLLiE — Good night! I'm going to get a job in some pickle factory. It's safer. Stan — No sooner I found out something was wrong I sold out. But before I could make a sale it dropped like a plummet. But I managed to save two thousand dollars of it. BiLLiE — That's some consolation. At that rate how how long is it going to take us to make five thousand? Stan — After I had sold out I was coming back to the office to break the sad news to you when I met old Money Bags Watson. He stopped me and askad me to go down to his office with him. I did so and he put a wonderful proposition up to us. BiLLiE — Another tip? My answer is "No" right away. Harry — And mine ditto. The next time we'll lose thirty thousand. Stan — Wait until you hear this proposition. Wat- son, Farrell, Carr and a half dozen others of the big guns of the financial district are trjang to get a corner on the stock of the General Fur Company. They agree to let us in on the deal provided I help them handle the transaction. BiLLiE — Yes. and I'll bet h. nickel Morrison has his feet in that deal somewhere, too. My answer is "No" with a capital N. Harr\ — What do you think of it, Stan^ Stan — (enfhiisiasfAcally) I think it's the chance of a lifetime. If we ever make a cleaning we ought to do it on this. Why, just think — Watson, Farrell, Rysing, Carr — all of the biggest financiers in the city, backing the deal. If we go wrong, they all go wrong. BiLLiE — {pessimistically) Yes, if we go wrong, we smash completely. If they go wrong, they go to their The Backfire 39 bank ?nd draw out another million and try again. My answer is "no." SiAN — You're not backine: down already, Billie? Why, we haven't got a good start. BiLLiE---That's the trouble. Somebody threw our engine into reverse. Harry — If we don't risk anything, we never will get that five thousand dollars. So if you think it's all right, go ahead. Stan — And you, Billie? BiljLTE--Well, I think it's going to be a glorious fiz- zle. But since we've started, lof^ing our money we might as well get rid of the rest of it. So go ahead. (Billie walks over and sits at desk R.) Stan — Good! (Picks up receiver of phone.) John 0247. BiLLiE^Well, if we smash I at least had some good smokes out of it. Stan — (into phone) Hello, Mr. Watson? * * This is Royson. * I talked over that matter with our board — Harry — Ahem ! Stan — And we have decided to go in with you. * * I'll be over in a few minutes to talk things over. (Hangs receiver.) (To Billie and Harry.) I hope you realize what that means. Billie — (pessimistically) Sure. It means pickle factory for me. Stan — It means that we invest every cent we own, about twenty seven thousand dollars, in that deal, and if they win, we win, and if they lose — Harry] ^We smash! ■ Stan —Good. Now, I'll run over to Watson and complete the arrangements. (Starts for door C.) 40 The Backfire BiLLiE— Wait a minute, Stan. Take a cigar before you go. We won't be able to afford them after this. Stan — That's true, too. So I'll take a couple of them. {Exit C.) (Billie sits at desk R, Harry at desk L, both in atti- tude of extreme dejection.) Harry — {glumly) Three thousand dollars! BiLLiE — Whoever suggested this fool company in the first place? (Both sit in gloomy silence. Enter Winnie, C. She stands looking at them for a few moments, then ad^ vances down stage, looking from one to the other.) Winnie — Who's dead? BiLLiE — Our company . Winnie — (in surprise) Why, what's the trouble? Harry — isarcasticnlly) Oh, nothing. We just fin- ished losing three thousand dollars. Winnie — Three thousand dollars! In two weeks? BiLLiE — Certainly. Didn't I tell you that when we got started we'd be figuring in thousands and ten thou- sands? Well — we've started. Winnie — But, how could you? You've just begun. Harry — Oh, we took a flying start. One of our kind friends gave us a tip. One of the "Won't you come into my parlor" variety, and we broke our necks going in. Winnie — WTiat does Stan think of it? BiLLiE — Didn't feaze him a bit. He has already fig- ured out another scheme to lose the rest of it. Winnie — W>11, you're certainly cheerful about it. Harry— Watson, Farrell, and the rest of the big financial guns are starting a bull movement on a certain corporation, and they agreed to let us in on the deal, pro- vided Stan v/ould help manage the deal for them. BiLLiE — {sarcastically) Nice of them, wasn't it? The Backfire 41 Winnie — But if Stan thinks it's good, it may be all right BiLLlH — Yes, and it may be all wrong. Say, Winnie, would you marry a fellow who worked in a pickle fac- tory? Winnie — I'll marry the first fellow who comes along who has brains enough to make five thousand dol- lars a year. Harry — (rises) So, Billie, my boy, that puts you out of the running. But don't worry. You'll probably be able to pick up one of those pickle factory belles in a short time. (Exit L.) BiLLiE — (rises) Well, what do you think of our of- fice, Winnie? Winnie — (looking arovnd enthusiastically) Won- derful. Why it looks like an honest-to-goodness business office. BiLLiE — You bet. We're doing the thing up right. Classy rug. classy furniture — Winnie — And classy officers. BiLiJE — Sure — and classy officers. Now all we need is some classy business. Winnie — And you think you can make five thousand dollars a year out of it? BiLLiE — Up until today I thought we had a sure-fire proposition. (Glumly) But now that we've lost that three thousand, I wouldn't give a wooden nickel for our chances. Winnie — After all of your work and expense in furnishing this office so nicely? BiLLiE — (in deep disgust) Yes. I'm the unluck- iest person. If I owned a cemetery, everybody would immediately stop dying. Winnie — Well, perhaps this thing will turn out better than you expect. 42 The Backfire BiLLiE — Not in a million years, while I'm in it. Win- nie, your father hasn't changed his mind yet, has he? Winnie — No, indeed. Right now he's picking out all of the young eligibles among my friends who he thinks may be able to support me on five thousand a year or more. His favorite is Chauncey Henderson. BiLLiE— (/?,oiZ7/) Chaw Henderson! That boob? He couldn't make five thousand dollars if he worked in the mint. Winnie — Well, he's Dad's favorite. BiLLiF — (disconsolately^ Winnie, I don't like this business a bit. Before I ever make that five thousand dollars, your dad will marry you to some boob and I'll be left out in the cold. Let's elope. Winnie— (disrfatt?/?/???/) Elope. And live off ideas! BiLLiE — No. I'll make , that five thousand dollars some day. I just haven't thought of the right business yet. Winnie — (langhinr/) No, listen, Billie. I was jok- ing with you. I had a long t.s>.^k with Dad, last night — told him how hard you were trying — BiLLiE — (eagerly) You did? Winnie — And just guess what he said? Billie — (all eagerness) Was it something about the five thousand dollars? Winnie — Yes. Billie — Winnie, tell me quick before I burst with excitement. Winnie — Well, Grace and her father called on us last night, and while we had our two fathers together, Grace and I talked five thousand dollar jobs to them. Billie — Yes, what did they say? Winnie — They agreed with us that it was expecting quite a bit of a young fellow to go out into the world and make five thousand dollars right at the start. The Backfire 43 EiLLiE — (,v:ith unnecessary emphasis) I'll say it's expecting a great deal. Winnie- — So they compromised. EiLLiE — (tineasily) Compromised? I don't like compromises. • . Winnie — That if each of you could show that you owned ten thousand dollars,, they would consider you as possibilities for sons-in-law. BiLLTE — (in tremendous excitement) Winnie, real- ly? {Winnie nods eagerly.) And they meant it? Winnie — -Father never says anything he doesn't mean. BiLLTE— Hurrah! Winnie, we'll be married next week. (Enter Harry and Grace, C, in great excitement.) Harry — Billie, have you heard the news? Billie — (excitedly) That we don't have to earn that five thousand dollars a year? Harry — Yes. Ain't it great? We'll have a big dou- ble wedding next week. Grace — But, remember, one of the conditions is that you show that you possess ten thousand dollars in your own name. Winnie — And that same is not pledged or hypoth- ecated in any way, as father would say. Harry — Why, that's easy. Billie and I have that much right now, haven't we, Billie? Billie — Of course we have. I have ten thousand dollars and Harry — • (Billie stops suddenly, stares at Harry in blank dismay) — Good Lord, Harry, Stan is out losing that ten thousand dollars for us right now. Grace — Losing it? (Fast action from this point) Harry— Ye gods! I forgot all about that. Winnie — What do you mean? 44 The Backfire BiLLiE — (excitedly) Don't you see? That ten thousand dollars we have is invested in this business, and Stan is out now, closing the deal that is going to lose 1he rest of it for us. We'll lose every cent. Grace — {quickly) Can't you stop him? Harry — (quickly) We've got to stop him. We can't afford to lose that ten thousand now. BiLLiE — (starting for his hat) We've got to stop him. Winnie — But where is he? Harry — Where is he? By Jove! Where is he, Bil- lie? BiLLiE — Good Lord! 1 don't know. Don't you? Harry — (quickly) He started for Watson's office. Maybe he's still there. Winnie — Or if he isn't there perhaps he's at the Exchange. Grace — Or perhaps on the way back to the office. Harry — We'll search the whole city until we find him. We've got to save that money, no matter what happens. BiLLiE — And then we'll close up this office. I've got enough of business to last me for awhile. Winnie — Harry and Grace, you go over to the Ex- change, and we'll go over to Watson's office. Harry — All right, let's go. And don't come back without him. (Exit Harry and Grace C, Winnie and Billie L, hast- ily. Enter Dorothy, C. Seeing no one in, she looks around office curiously. Enter Stan, C.) Stan — (delighted) Why, Miss Gray, this is a real treat. Dorothy — (cordially, shaking hands ivith Stan) Your office force seems to have deserted you. Where are the other two members of your dignified board of direc- tors? The Backfire 45 Stan — Search me. They were here when I left. Probably got wind that Winnie and Grace were down town. Whenever Billie knows that, he's useless for the rest of the day. (Brings chair and Dorothy sits.) Dorothy— Well, how's business? Stan — Fine. Lost only three thousand dollars so far. Dorothy — Lost three thousand dollars? You are doing well. Stan — Yes, indeed. If my board of directors don't have heart failure, I think we can lose the rest of it by the end of the month. Dorothy — (amused) Somewhat of a strain on them? Stan — I should say so. I wish you could have seen them today when I broke the sad news that we had lost that three thousand. You could have bought the whole firm for a dime. Dorothy — But you don't intend to give up? Stan — Not in a thousand years. Our motto is "stick to the ship," even though she is headed for Davy Jones' Locker. Dorothy — (laughs) I see you've realized Billie's pet ambition — rug on the floor, and cigars for the hard- working officers. Stan — Yes, indeed. Now, all we need is a good- looking stenographer to set off our office to good advant- age. Dorothy — You need a stenographer already? Stan — For ornamental purposes only. Her duties will be to write perhaps a letter or two a week, call Billie and Harry to the phone ten or twelve times a day when- ever Winnie and Grace have some astonishing news to communicate to them, and phone for the latest baseball scores. Dorothy — (laughing) Rather a responsible posi- tion. Are you sure one person can handle it? 46 The Backfire • Stan — Oh, yes. How would you like to take the job? Dorothy — {laughing) Couldn't think of it, I prom- ised Mr. Morrison I would stay with him. Stan — {in dismay) Not forever? Dorothy — Hardly that. But as long as he needs me. Stan — How's the old bear behaving himself lately? Any fatalities since I left? Dorothy'' — No dead, no wounded, and all hostilities have ceased. Stan — You don't mean it! The '^"'^'' ^<^^'^'^ wouldn't seem like home to me. Dorothy — {s?.riondii) Mr. Royscn, v.culd it be possible for me to induce you to go back to Mr. Mor- rison? Stan — (in surprise) Back to Morrison, after I I started this business? Dorothy — But you can demand any salary you want from him now. T really believe he would pay you as high as ten thousand dollars. Stan — But you, yourself, set my mark at twenty thousand. Dorothy — I know. But something has happened since. I dkln't know at the time how much Morrison & Morrison really needed you. Stan — Miss Gray, what is the trouble over at Mor- rison's ? Dorothy — Everything. Nothing has gone right since you left. One investment after another turned out bad. and if this keeps up Morrison and Morrison will have to go out of business. Stan — (sloivly) I'm sorry. Miss Gray, but I can't do it. Dorothy — For personal reasons? Stan — Yes. I told you a few minutes ago that we had lost three thousand dollars. Do you know how we lost it? The Backfire 47 Dorothy — Why, no. Stan — Morrison gave us a tip, knowing when he gave it, that the tip was bad. Dorothy — (horrified) Oh, no! Stan — {bitterly) Yes, deliberately. Just another item added to the many indignities I have suffered at the hands of his family within the past ten years. You have often heard me speak of Dorothy Morrison. My father thought the world and all of Dorothy Morrison when she was a child. When he was on his last sick bed he sent a note to her, asking her tc ^'- - ^^ "■ -- 'I on him. She never came. Dorothy — {horrified) . Your father sent a note? Stan — Yes. Dorothy — (agitated; rising) There is some hor- rible mistake. I — she — Miss Mor ver received that note. Stan— (quickly) What's that? Dorothy — Believe me. Miss Morrison never re- ceived that note. Stan — (suddenly) How do you know that? Dorothy — (agitated) Why, I — she — Stan — Miss Gray, how do you know Miss Morrison did not receive my father's note? Dorothy — T — I can't tell you. Stan — But I insist upon knowing. Dorothy — (sUnvly) I'm sorry, Mr. Royson, but I can't tell you. Will you not take my word for it? Stan — (instantly humble) Forgive me, Miss Gray. Your word is all that is necessary. Dorothy — (still agitated) Will you excuse me? I — I must hurry back to the office. (Exit Dorothy C. Stayi stands for a few moments in deep thought, then quickly goes out R.) (Enter Grace, Winnie and Harry, C.) 48 The Backfire Harry — (disgustedly) A lot of good we did. By now, that stock has probably gone down to nothing. (Slumps into chair.) Grace— But we visited every place he could possibly have been. Where could he be? Harry — He probably has bought that stock and is off somewhere now, figuring how to lose what little we might save out of the wreckage. Winnie — Billie left mc to go over to Denton's of- fice. Perhaps he's found him. Harry — {in disgust) Billie! Billie couldn't find water in the Atlantic ocean. Grace — Well, what's done is done. Let's hope for the best. Harry — Well, let's see what that stock is doing now. (Walks over to stock ticker.) Perhaps it will hold off for a day or two before it goes to smash. (Examines ticker tape.) Winnie — (optimistically) It may go up instead of down. Harry — (excitedly) Great Scott, girls, come here quick. (Girls hurry over to Harry around ticker.) Look closely. Do you see what I see? Grace — I see a lot of numbers. Harry — (in suppressed excitement) Yes, but that last number? That General Fur number? Winnie — Seventy-eight. Harry — (pleadingly) You look, Grace. Please tell me it isn't seventy-eight. Grace — Yes, that's what it is — seventy-eight. Why, what does that mean? Harry — (drops tape and sinks limply into chair) It means that we're done for. Winnie — Done for? Grace — What do you mean? Harry — When Stan left the office to buy that stock The Backfire 49 it was selling at eighty-nine. If he bought at once, that means we've already lost eleven dollars per share. I think he bought three hundred shares. (Despairingly) Winnie, what is three hundred times eleven? Winnie — Three thousand three hundred dollars. Harry — Grace, you can't make it any less? Grace — Of course not. Harry — (in despair) Then we've already lost three thousand three hundred dollars. And in a half hour. At that rate, in one hour we lose sixty six hundred dollars. By evening we'll be cleaned out. Winnie — (m suppressed excitement) But — but can't something be done? Grace — (excitedly) Can't j'^ou sell? Harry — (desperately) Stan was to buy the stock in his own name. He's the only one who can give the order. WmNiE— (resolutely) Then we must find Stan. Surely he's somewhere. (Enter BilHe in tremendous excitement at C.) BiLLiF — Ye gods! Have you heard the news? Harry — You take your funeral outside. We've got one in here. Winnie — What do you know, Billie? That — that stock has gone down to seventy-eight. BiLLiE — isJiouts) Seventy-eight! Seventy- eight! It's gone down to sixty-eight! Harry — (on his feet) What! Grace — Billie, you don't mean it? BiLLiE — (rushes over and seizes tape) No, by Jove, it's down to sixty-seven. Come here, quick, and see. (All rush to ticker.) Winnie — But we looked at it just a moment ago and it said seventy-eight. Grace — What does it mean? 50 The Backfire • Harrt — (desperately) It means — it means that we've lost thirty-six hundred dollars since we looked at that tape just a few minutes ago. BiLLiE — (wipes forehead with handkerchief) Talk about high finr/nce. John D. Rockefeller hasn't got any- thing on this company. Grace — (aived) Why, you're losing about a thou- sand dollars a minute. Winnie — And sixty thousand dollars an hour. BiLLiE- Oh, no.- We've only got thirty thousand to lose. Geack - -'^ <-"-' '='-^"" ^'^ the only one who can sell. Harry — (disriially) Yes. Winnie — Then we must, we must find Stan. BiLLiE — But I've looked everywhere but the jail, Winnie — Telephone. Telephone everybody you know. Harry — (quickly) That's the idea. We'll phone everybody downtown we know. (Grabs up phone book.) What in the dickens is Haigley's number? BiLLiE— Broad 2135. Harry — (grabs up phone) Hello! Hello! Broad 2135. Broad 2135. * * Hello, is this the Haigley Investment Company? * * What's that? * * (Throws dou'u phone in disffust.) That central has our number all right. Grace — Why, what number did you get? Harry — Woodlawn Cemetery. BiLLiE — (in disgust) Tell her to hold that number. We'll need it for a double funeral if Stan doesn't show up in a few minutes. Winnie — (eagerly) Try again, Harry. Harry — (taking up receiver again) Broad 2135; yes, 2135. * * Hello, Mr. Haigley? * * Mr. Haigley, is Mr. Roy son at your office? * * Thank The Backfire 51 you. (Drops phone.) No good. The only way we'll ever find Stan will be to call out the police force and fire department. BiLLiE — (hurries over to ticker) Maybe it's going up by now. Winnie, you look for me. I've got a weak heart. TFiNNlE — {examining tape) General Fur. Was that it? Harry — Yes, read it aloud. Winnie — Good heavens! (Tears off portion of the tape and comes down stage icith it quickly.) (Therf crowd eagerly around Winnie.) BiLLiE — (excitedly) What is it, Winnie? Harry — Don't tell us it dropped any more. Winnie — (dazed) What was it when we looked last? HarrY: — Sixty-seven. Winnie — You're sure it was sixty-seven. Grace — Yes, yes. Winnie — (holding up tape) Then, look! (All stare horHfied at tape. Dramatic pause.) Harry] \ — Fifty-four! (BUlie and Harry stare at BlI-LIE I each other blankly, then slou'ly sijik into chairs.) (Curtain goes doum for one minute to shoiv lapse of one hour.) Scene 2. Same at Scene 1. As curtain rises, Billie is discovered at desk C, phon- ing strenuously. BlLLiE— Hello! Hello! Mr. Caldwell? * * Has Stanley Royson been at your office today ? * * (Billie hangs receiver in disgust.) (Enter Winnie, C, quickly.) 52 The Backfire BiLLiE — Did you find him, Winnie? Winnie — No. Did you get any trace of him? BiLLiE — No, I've called up so many people within the past hour that the wires are wearing out. Well, that settles it. Winnie — Why, did it drop again? BiLLiE — Five points since you left. Winnie — (examining ticker tape) It dropped six points, Billie. Billie — {in disgust) Look again. I'll bet a dollar it's seven by now. Winnie — Perhaps Harry and Grace have found him. Billie — Not in a million years. Wait until that stock gets down to nothing and he'll show up on his own accord. (Enter Harry and Grace, C.) Winnie — (eagerly) What luck? Harry — (drops disgusted into chair L.) Nothing doing. We've done everj'thing but drag the sound. BiLLiF — Stan ought to be a policeman. He's so hard to find. Grace — (unth impotent impatience) But some- thing must be done; it's going down every minute. Harry — Well, it can't go down much farther. Winnie — But where on earth can he be? Billie — (pessimistically) We haven't bought any gold mines or oil stock yet. He's probably out investi- gating them now. Harry — We'll have some wonderful experience by the time we're broke. Grace — But I thought Stan was an expert on stocks and bonds. Billie — He is. Nobody but an expert could have picked stocks as bad as these. (Harry goes over to the ticker and examines tape.) How much did it drop this time? The Backfire 53 Harry — (hopelessly) It's down to forty-four now. BiLLiE — (takes out handkerchief and mops fore- head) And we bought at 89. From 89 to 44 — a drop of forty-five dollars per share. We've lost just exactly thir- teen thousand five hundred dollars already. Winnie — I never knew business was so exciting. Harry — Oh, it's exciting all right — exciting and — sad. Grace — What's the next move? BiLLiE — The next move is to find an auctioneer to sell our furniture. (All assume attitude of dejection. Enter Stan, briskly, C.) Stan — {cheerfidly) Well, I'm just in time for the party. (All turn suddenly, staring at Stan. Tense dra- matic pause. Then unanimously they rush over to him and bring him doivn stage all talking excitedly.) BiLLiE — Phone them quick. Harry — We've got to sell right away. Winnie — It's going down every minute. Grace — Here's a phone. Hurry, Stan! Stan — (mystified) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. BiLLiE — (excitedly) But we can't wait. Harry — We've waited long enough as it is. Stan — What's all the row about, anjnvay? Winnie — Good heavens! Don't you know? Harry — Ye gods! Don't you know that General Fur has gone down to nothing? Grace — And you're losing $1,000 a minute. BiLLiE — And that we've already lost $14,000? Stan — (looking from one to the other) $14,000? Say, have you all gone crazy? What are you talking about, anyhow? Harry — (excitedly) That General Fur stock. It's going down like a comet. 54 The Backfire Winnie— It dropped forty-five points already. BiLLiE — It's going down so fast, the ticker can't keep up with it. Get busy and sell. We've lost $14,000 already. St A-N— (sitting on front edge of desk C.) $14,000? Why, I bought just a few minutes ago at 44. Harry] j^—WHAT ! ! BlLLIEJ Stan — {cahnly) I bought just a few minutes ago at 44. (Billie and Harry sink limply into chairs. Billie and Wintiie to right of Stan; Harry and Grace to left.) ,, Wi^^NiE — And we were making that wild goose chase all over the city for you for nothing? Billie — You bought that stock when it was going down? Harry — After it had dropped forty points? Stan — (correcting him) Forty-five points. Billie — (rises and goes over to Stan) Stan Royson, yOu're crazy. Karry — (rises grimly) We're going to sell that stock right away. Grace — Before it goes down any further. Stan — (easily) Oh, no, we're not. Harry— What? Winnie — Stan, it's going down every minute. Billie — We've got to sell right away. Stan — I've got to make $20,000 this year. We sell when it reaches seventy-five. (Billie and Harry shik into chairs, staring at Stan in blank amazement.) Harry— Seventy-five ! Ye gods ! It won't reach 75 in 75 years. The Backfire 55 BiLLiE — You're not nutty enough to think it's going up Grace — Stan, you must sell. The bottom has dropped out completely. Stan — (complacently) When it reaches 75 we sell. Winnie — {looks at ticker tape; excitedly) It has dropped another point. It's down to 43 now. BiLLiE — {leaping to feet) Stan Royson, you've got to sell, Harry — (on his f&et) If you don't we will. Stan — Oh. no, you won't. Harry — {hotly) And why won't we? BiLLiE — Yes, why can't we sell? Stan — {grinning complacently) For the simple reason that that stock is bought in my name. BlLLlE 1 j. — {pac'mg uj) and down in impotent rage) Harry J Oh!! T'FiNNiE — (pleading) Stan, Billie will lose all of his money. Stan — He won't lose it. We're going to make about $18,000. Harry — Somebody get a doctor. He's plumb crazy. Grace — Stan, please sell. Billie — (pleadingly) Stan, won't you please sell? Winnie — (pleadingly) Stan, father won't let Bil- lie come to see me any more unless he has $10,000. Unless you sell nov/, he'll lose every cent of it. (Holds out her hands pleadingly) Please sell. Harry — And Grace's father won't let me see Grace any more unless I produce that $10,000. So, please sell. Stan — And sell at a loss? When we've got a chance to make $18,000. Billie — Eighteen thousand? Even if it did go up 56 The Backfire to 75 we'd make only $9,000. Three hundred shares at 30— $9,000. Stan — But I bought six hundred shares. ElLLIE 1 I— What! Harry J Grace — You bought 600 shares at forty five? \NiyiNiE—(b Lankly) And paid $27,000 for them? Stan — Winnie, your mathematical education is per- fect. BiLLiE— (dazed) Goodbye $27,000. Harry — And evei-y time it drops a point we lose $600 instead of three. Billie, get me a job in that pickle factory, too. {Walks dazedly over to ticker and exam- ines tape.) Billie ] Winnie I — (holding out arms appealing to .Stan) Grace J Stan, please sell. Stan — When it reaches 75 we sell. Harry — \ examining tape) It's still going down — • five points. (Suddenly.) No, by Jove! (Examines tape eagerly.) Come here quick. It went tip five points. Billie 1 Winnie 'j — (blankly) No! Grace J Harry — (in great excitement) Yes it did! It went up five points. It's standin at 49 now. (Winnie, Grace arid. Billie crowd around Harry eag- erly. Stan complacently lights cigar.) Billie — (excitedly) Forty-nine! It went up five points. Winnie — (very excitedly) Look, look! It's 50 now. BiLLiF — (unable to believe it) Must be something wrong with that ticker. Grace — It's going up as fast as it came down. The Backfire 57 Harry — Stan, what figure did you buy at? Stan — Forty-five. BiLLiE — {hurries over to desk R, and grabs pencil) And 600 shares? Stan — And 600 shares. BiLLiE — (fifjuring rapidly) Hurrah! We've made $3,000 already. Winnie— And $3,000 divided by three is $1,000 apiece. Harry — {mopping forehead tcith handkerchief) Ard to think at one time I actually thought of going out and working for a living. Stan — Well, shall we sell now? BiLLiE — Sell! When we've found a gold mine like this? Harry — I'm going to sit in a chair the rest of my life and watch that little slip of paper come out of that machine. Winnie — Stan, you came very near giving us heart failure. How did you know it v/as going up? Stan — Because we forced it dov/n in the first place. {Laughs.) I'll bet there's some excitement over on the stock exchange right now. Grace — {eagerly) Let's go over and see it. BiLLiE — (mops forehead with handkerchief) I've had about all the excitement I want for one day. "^^'tnnie — Let's do go over. It ought to be a regu- lar circus. Harry — All right. But, whatever you do while we're gone, Stan, don't you dare sell that stock until it reaches 75. {Exeunt Winnie, Grace, Billie and Harry C.) Stan — {taking up phone from desk C.) John 0497. * , * Hello, Danvers? This is Royson. Hold my stock of General Fur until it reaches 75. Then sell without further instructions. * * You'll attend to that, will you? {Hangs receiver.) 58 The Backfire (Enter Dorothy C.) Stan — (meeting her eagerly) Dorothy! Twice in one day. This is too good to be true. Dorothy — (laughing) Oh, but this visit is purely business. I came for professional advice. Stan — (Bringing her chair) Advice? Do you know, there's nothing in this world I'm so proficient at as giving advice? Dorothy — (sitting) How fortunate. St Ali- -(sitting on edge of desk) Giving people ad- vice is just my line. Now, my first advice to you is to get married. Dorothy — (laughs) I thought this was a broker- age office; not a matrimonial bureau. Stan — Oh, we do a general business. Everything done thoroughly. I've even picked out the man you're to marry. Dorothy- —That's real efficiency. Who's the victim? STA.N — Oh, I am. Dorothy — (laughs) But I told you this was purely business. Stan- -That's the most important business I know of right now. Dorothy — Your office force has deserted you again. Did they recover from the shock caused by that $3,000 loss? Stan — Yes. but they had another scare; were ready to sell the office furniture when I returned to the office a short time ago. Dorothy — But now to business. Stan — But why talk business when we have so many more important things to discuss? For instance, yourself. Dorothy — Please be serious. This is really im- portant. The Backfire 59 Stan — (sits at desk C.) All right. Now I'm a bus- iness man. Let's go. Dorothy — I'm afraid I did something foolish this morning. I invested some money in stocks this morn- ing on margin. Stan —On margin? That's risky business. If the market drops appreciably, yon lose everything. Dorothy — But Mr. Morrison did likewise. St XN- — (surprised) Morrison bought on margin? Is his condition as bad as that? Dorothy — Yes, he's m.aking one last desperate ef- fort to gain a new foothold. Stan — (suddenly) What stock was that? Dorothy — General Fur. STAN^-ileaps to feet) WHAT! Dorothy — General Fur. Stan — (stunned) Ye gods! General Fur!! Dorothy — (anxiously) Why, is — is there something vaong? Stan — (quickly) What figure did you buy at*.' Dorothy— I think it was 87. Stan — (dazed) You bought General Fur — on mar- gin—at 87? Dorothy — Yes. Stan — Ow-w! General Fur! Eighty-seven! Dorothy — (becoming frightened) Tell me, is ar y- thing wrong? Stan — Is anything wrong? Everything is wrong. Dorothy — What do you mean? Stan— Hold onto your chair, and prepare for an awful shock. Dorothy — (anxiously) Why, I — Stan — General Fur went down to A^ today, Dorothy — (rising quicl-.ly) Forty-four! 60 The Backfire Stan— And you bought on margin. You loso every cent. {Dorothy drovs back vnt'.) chair, stunned. Enter Morrison, C, fuHonshi.^ Morrison — (loudly) Where's tliat young scoun- dre]? Stan — Oh, that voice, I'm beginning to feel right . {>t home. Mokkison — (.srs.s Stav^ So, here you aro? Stan — (apo'.' ci^tically i-.r — have a chair. Dorothy — (nsiny elatedly) Undo B.-'ic^ Mr Koy- son telis me General f'ur ue'i!. c\wn to 1^ today. Morrison — ' ^iiHoi.sly) And did he tell you v/ho sent it down? Stan— ( gathering courage) Now, see here, Mr. Morrison — Morrison — He's the one who sent it down. He and Watson and the rest of that gang. They're the villains who are responsible for that crash. Dorothy — (alarmed) Uncle Bruce, what are you saying ? Stan — Just a moment, Mr. Morrison — Morrison — Ask him! Ask him! Let him tell you so himself. Ask him who was responsible for the crash of General Fur, today. Dorothy — (looks at Stan in horror) Is it — is it true ? (Stan stands before her speechless.) Morrison — See! What did I tell you. The young villain. Dorothy — (goes over to Stan, looks him squarely in the eyes) Mr. Koyson, were you responsible for the drop in General Fur today? Stan — Yes, but we thought — The Backfire 61 Morrison — He confesses it. The brazen young scoundrel ! Dorothy — (in liorror) You deliberately forced down the market on that stock. Stan — Please, Miss Gray, will you not give me a hearing before you condemn me? Morrison — A hearing! A hearing! And, do you think anything you might say could help matters? Dorothy — (suddenly) And you knew Dorothy Mor- rison was holding stock? Stan — Good heavens. Miss Gray, you surely don't think — • "I Dorothy — (scathingly) I see it all now. Hereto- fore you were content with verbal expressions of con- tempt for Dorothy Morrison, this time you have seized the opportunity to give concrete expression of regard. Morrison — (ivith scathing sarcasm) A fine thing to do ! A manly thing to do ! To make war on a woman ! Stan — (in horror, to Dorothy) You think I would deliberately attempt to wreck a woman's fortune? Dorothy — (ivith scathing contempt) You were entirely successful in your intentions. The colossal for- tune' that Bruce Morrison and his niece, Dorothy Morri- son, once boasted, is now a thing of the past. You have the pleasure of wresting the last installment from them. Dorothy Morrison now stands before the world penni- less, i Morrison — But you'll suffer for it. I'll make you suffer for this if it takes me till judgment day. STAii— (dazed) But I — I didn't know that Miss Morrison was so near ruin. I'll restore eveiy penny to her. Dorothy — (with bitter scorn) And do you think she would take money from you? Do you think she would ever touch one penny that you had handled. Dor- othy Morrison may be all that you have pictured her. 62 The Backfire She may be arrogant, v^ain, frivolous — together with a thousand other vices and weaknesses that you attribute to her, but she is also — proud. Stan — (staring at her in amazement) Good heav- ens, Miss Gray, who are you? Dorothy — (proudly) I am but one among the many that you have ruined today; the girl whose ruin you have sought; the girl whom you detested from ear- liest infancy. I am Dorothy Morrison. (Stan sinks liriiply into chair, staring at Dorothy in horror.) CURTAIN ACT III. Scene — Home of Winifred Weston. The party night. Beautifnlhj furnished room with walnut furniture. Doors R, L, and C. Books, chairs, pedestals ivith busts should be used as necessary. Handsome c^uch doivn R, rug, curtains on two windows in rear. F^oor lamp up L. It is about nine o'clock in the eveninq; one month later. As. curtain rises, orchestra off stage R, is faintly heard soft- ly playing a popidar dance piece. Hopkins, a dignified English butler, enters L, ivith tray of cigars. Enter Grace and Winnie, R. Winnie — Hopkins, has Mr. Bowers or Mr. Langdon: arrived ? Hopkins — No, Miss, not yet. Winnie — ^Very well, Hopkins, that will do. (Exit Hopkins, R.) Grace — Isn't that provoking? Harry promised me positively that he would be here early. Winnie — (peeved) And Billie said he would be here by eight-thirty. Wait until he does come; I'll give him a piece of my mind. Th e Backfire 63 Grace— And ditto for Harry. Have most of the guests arrived? Winnie — All but Brent Locksley and Dorothy Mor- rison. Grace — {surprised) Oh, is Dorothy coming Winnie — Yes, but I had a hard job persuading her. They are selling their home next week; so Dorothy thought it would look out of place for her to come right now. Before she would promise to come though, she made me give my word that Stan would not be here. Grace — Poor old Stan. That General Fur transac- tion surely proved a backfire for him. Dorothy will nev- er forgive him for that. Winnie — I wonder what he can be doing out of town all this time. He's been away now, nearly a month. Did you know that he wrote to Billie and Harry about a week ago and borrowed five thousand dollars from them? Grace — And when he left he took a draft for $20,000 with him. Winnie — {impatiently, looking out door C) But where, oh, where, can Billie be? Grace — When they do come, let's teach them a les- son. Winnie — Good! They deserve it. What shall we do? Grace — Of whom is Billy especially jealous, among your friends? Winnie — Chauncey Henderson. Billie's ready to commit murder every time I look at Chauncey. Grace — Fine! Now, when Billie arrives, your cue is to make furious love to Chauncey. That ought to teach him a lesson. Winnie — {eagerly) I'll do it. But it will be hard on Chauncey, because Billie will kill Chauncey after the party. Grace — And I'll pick Ray Woodson as my victim. Ray has always been Harry's pet enemy. 64 Tke Backfire * (Enter Hopkins, R.) (Music stops.) Hopkins — Miss Morrison and Mr .Brentwood have arrived, Miss. Winnie — Very well Hopkins. (Exeunt Winnie and Grace, R.) (Hopkins starts out L. Enter Billie and Harry, C, all out of breath. In their eagerness they seize Hopkins and bring him down stage.) Billie — Hopkins, what did Miss Weston say about our being late for the party? Harry — And Miss Mansur — what did she say? Hopkins — (tvith a discreet cough behind his hand) A sr^n+leman never repeats in public what a lady says in private. Billie — (pressing bill into Hopkins' hand) Hopkins hurry and tell Miss Weston that we have arrived. Harry — (Pressing another bill in Hopkins' hand) And Hopkins, there are more where these came from if you can square things for us. Hopkins — Very well. I may say, though, the ladies appeared very angry. (Exit R.) Harry — (glumly) The ladies appeared very angry. I hope you got that. Billie — I'll bet a nickel they didn't only appear an- gry. Harry — This is a nice mess. We'll be doing mighty well if they let us in to the party at all. Billie — Well, who was it told that taxi driver to speed up? We'll be doing mighty well if we get away from that judge tomorrow morning for less than fifty dollars. Harry — And who was it tried to give that cop some back talk? That bonehead stunt will cost us fifty more. Billie — (glumly) And all that time that boob, Chauncey Henderson has had the field all to himself. Most likely he has proposed and been accepted by now. The Backfire 65 (Enter Hopkins, R.) - Harry — (eagerly) What did they say, Hopkins? Hopkins — The ladies begged me to iniorm you, sirs, that at present they are busily engaged in dancing with Messrs. Henderson and Woodson. BiLLiE — (fiercely) Chaw Henderson! Oh, just wait until I catch that boob outside. Harry — (hopefully) But didn't they seem glad to see us? Hopkins — I can't say they did, sir. In fact the la- dies seemed to be having a wonderful time, sirs. Miss Weston and Mr. Henderson make a wonderful looking couple. BiLLiE — (fiercely) He'll make a wonderful looking corpse m about two minutes. Harry — (desperately) But, Hopkins, you must be mistaken. Miss Mansur promised the first dance to me. Hopkins — (dryly) This is the third time they've danced with Messrs, Woodson and Henderson this even- ing. (Harry and Billie sink gloomily into chairs.) Harry — (glumly) That will do, Hopkins. (Exit Hopkins, C.) (Bdl rings off stage.) BiLLiE — (pathetically) Harry, did you hear? She danced three times with Chaw Henderson. {Enter Hopkins, C, folloived by Stan.) Stan — Hopkins, don't let Miss Weston know yet, that I have arrived. Hopkins — Very well, Sir. (Exit L.) BiLLiE^ — (rushing over to Stan and shaking his hand vigorously) Stan ! Harry — (enthusiastically shaking hands and bring- ing him down stage) Stan, you're an angel sent from heaven. Billie — You'll square things for us, won't you Stan? 66 The Backfire Stan — {coming doivn stage) Now, what is the trouble? Been playing the market again and lost all your money? Harry — (excitedly) Money! I wish it were only money. BiLLiE — (dole f idly) We've gone and lost our girls. Stan — (laughs) Oh, is that all? Harry — All! Do you realize that Grace is in that room entertaining Ray Woodson? BiLLiE — (pathetically) And Winnie is spending the evening dancing with that boob Chaw Henderson. Three times already tonight. Stan — Well, don't get excited about a little thing like that. You can't expect the girls to dance with you all evening. Harry — (excitedly) All evening! All evening!! They won't dance with us at all. BiLLiE — (Looks off stage, right.) (Very excited.) She's dancing with him again. He's got his arm around her. She smiled at him. Oh, wait till I catch that boob out on the street. Harry — Stan, don't you see? You've got to fix things up for us. BiLLiE — And in a hurry, too. If that fish dances with her again tonight, I'm going to break up the party. Stan — But what's the cause of all the trouble? When I left, you were like four little doves. BiLLiE — Oh, another one of Harry's fool stunts. He insisted on racing the car to the party tonight, and we were arrested for speeding. It'll cost us about $50 to- morrow morning in court. Harry — And then Billy had to boob things up worse by talking back to the cop. Result, we had to go along to the station and came about an hour late to the party tonight. That boob stunt will cost us about fifty dollars more. The Backfire 67 BiLLiE — (disconsolately) If we could only see them to explain how it happened — but they won't listen to an explanation. Girls can be awfully unreasonable at times. Stan — At times! They're unreasonable all the time. (Laughs.) Well, I'll see what I can do for you. But first I want to talk business. BiLLlE — (indignantly) Business! You expect me to talk business, while that boob is dancing in there with Winnie? Stan — Listen, fellows, I'm flat broke. BiLLiE — Broke ! Stan — Exactly. Harry — Broke! And you had $20,00 with you when you left? BriLiE — Besides the $5,000 we sent you! Stan — Spent — every cent of it. Harry — (in astonishment) You spent $25,000 in three weeks? Stan — (easily) $27,000, to be exact. BiLLiE — (ivhistles) What did you do with it? Buy the Pacific Ocean? Stan — I didn't buy anything. Harry — But you've got something to show for your money ? Stan — Not even a receipt. BiLLiE — (incredulously) You spent $27,000 and did- n't buy anything? Stan — Precisely. Harry — And didn't give it away? Stan — It was neither spent nor given away. BiLLiE — (holds out hand) Shake, Stan, you're the world's eighth wonder. Harry — John D. and Henry Ford can't hold a can- dle to you. Stan — I borrowed the $20,000 dollars from John 68 The Bad-fire Masterson, an old friend of my father, giving my inter- est in our company as security. I'm going to turn over my interest to him tomorrow in payment, if he vs^ill ac- cept. Harry — (blankly) You're going to give up your interest? Stan — I have to, in order to pay this note. BiLLiE — And v/e'U have to run the business our- selves ? Stan — Unless you hire someone to run it for you. BiLLiE — Then we had better close shop right away. Why, Harry, there, doesn't know a certificate of stock from a soap wrapper, Stan — That's why I wanted to talk to you right away. If you'll hire me, I'll run the business for you. Harry — (shouts) If we'll hire you? You consider yourself employed right now, and state your own salary. BiLLiE — With only one condition. You can't ever fire any of your bosses. Stan — Good. Then that's settled. We'll talk over the details tomorrow. BiLLiE — One more thing. We don't go into this thing unless you promise to square things with the girls for us, tonight. Do we, Harry? Harry — Absolutely not. You square things for us and we raise your salary. Stan — (laughs) Good. I'll have you four cooing like two pairs of sick doves inside of fifteen minutes. Nov/, you two go into the dance room and be around handy when I need you. I'll follow you in a few min- utes. (Exeunt Harry and BilHe, R. Stan starts for door R. Enter Dorothy and Brent. Both Stan and Dorothy stop and stare at each other in astonishment. Then Dor- othy, ignoring hbn entirely, comes down stage.) Brent — (holding out hand to Stan) Why, hello, The Backfire 69 Eoyson, didn't expect to see you so soon again. Stan — (sJiaking hands with LocLsley) Nor I you, Locksley. I'm glad to see you here though, nevertheless. I'll see you again, later in the evening. {Exit R.) (Strains of waltz softly float in from R.) Dorothy — {sits on couch R.) I didn't know you were acquainted with Mr. Royson. Brent — (sits beside her) Met him for the first time about three weeks ago, in Colorado. Splendid young fellow. Dorothy — So I thought until a month ago. Brent — Until a m.onth ago? And has something happened since to make you change your opinion? Dorothy — Yes. You have heard about father's fail- ure, of course. Brent — Yes, Dorothy. And I was dumbfounded to hear it. Dorothy — That young fellow we met was the cause of father's failure. Brent — (astonished) Royson? Dorothy — Yes. Brent — And intentionally? Dorothy — Deliberately and intentionally. And to- morrow we offer our home for sale. Brent — (surprised) Is it as bad as that, Dorothy? Dorothy — Yes, Everything is lost. Tomorrow I go out to work for a living. Brent — Work ! Dorothy — I'm going to work for Mr. Harcroft. Brent — Dorothy, you can't do that. You must not 'Cven think cf it. Dorothy — You talk like father. Brent. It's neces- sary to do so. Brent — You know it isn't, Dorothy. You and I 70 The Backfire have always been good pals, ever since we were kids. Won't you let me help you? Dorothy — I knew you would offer. You always were the best pal in all the world. But this is one of the things I have to do alone. Brent — (softly) Dorothy, I can't think of you go- ing out working for someone else. Your sensitive na- ture would revolt at some of the things that happen in every-day business. I've always loved you, Dorothy. Can't j'-ou make up your mind to marry me, and let me take care of you? Dorothy — (affectionately) Always the same old Brent. No, Brent, I'm terribly sorry, but I can't make up my mind to marry you just yet. Brent — But, Dorothy, you love me? Dorothy — T don't know, Brent. Sometimes I think I do. Then again I'm sure I don't. I must be sure be- fore I give you a definite answer. Brent — (softly) You're — you're not in love with anyone else? Dorothy — (tired) No, Brent, there is no one, now. Brent — Then I'm going on hoping forever. Some day, Dorothy, I'll make you say yes. (Music stops.) Dorothy — I som^etimes almost wish you would, Brent. (Suddenly.) But here I haven't seen you for four months, and all I've done since you came was mope. Tell me something about yourself. What new conquests have you inade lately? Brent — No new conquests. But I've had the big- gest licking I ever took in all my life given me this last week. Dorothy — (interested) Lose a big case? Brent — The biggest case I ever attempted. It was in a small town out in Colorado. A new railroad was be- gun out there about two years ago, but just about the The Backfire 71 time the road was nearinp: completion, it was found that the original route had to he changed in order to make it it profitable. It was necessary to get a franchise through this town, which was entirely surrounded by mountain- ous country. The city refused the franchise; the road fought for a year and then gave up the struggle. Dorothy — But how did you figure in the fight? Brent — T was employed by the city to fight the franchise. We thought we had the road teat; but a month ago, a j'^oung fellow came out there and began the fight anew. He spent money la^vishly, employed some of the best lawyers in the country — and licked us, too — licked us badly. But it cost him about $30,000 to do it. Dorothy — What was the name of the road? Brent — The Freepcrt Colorado Central. And do you know who the young fellow is who licked me? Dorothy — Why, no. Brent — It was that young fellow, Royson. Dorothy — (surprised) Stanley Royson? Why, what was his object in fighting for that franchise? Does he own stock? Brent — That's the m.ystery. Stanley Royson does- n't own a share of that stock. (Music begins again.) There goes the next dance. Shall we go in? Dorothy — Yes. (Rises with Brent and starts to- ward door R, on Brent's arm. Thought fulhj.) I wonder what Stanley Royson's object was in going West? (^Exeunt Dorothy and Brent,- R.) {Enter Grace L, begins to cross to door R. Enter Stan, C.) Stan — (hurriedly) Oh, Grace. Grace — (turns in surprise, then meets Stan cor- dially) Why, Stan Royson! Harry told me you were here, and I was out to find you. Stan — So Harry has made his peace with you? 72 The Backfire Grace — Yes, but it was an expensive quarrel for him. He promised me a pearl necklace if I would forgive him. Stan — {laughing) So, naturally forgiving came easy. Grace — (laughing) Of course. I could forgive al- most anything for a pearl necklace. Stan — Grace, I want you to do something for me right away. Grace — (quickly) Dorothy Morrison? Stan — Yes. Grace — I thought so. Stan, what did you do on that trip that cost you $25,000? Stan— (quickly) Who said it cost me $25,000? Grace — (accusingly) It's true, isn't it? Stan— No it isn't. It cost me $27,000. Grace — $27,000. And Harry tells me you neither bought anything nor gave it away. Stan — You tell Harry I'm going to punch his con- founded head the next time I see him. Grace — (places hand on Stan's arm) Stan, I know it isn't any of our business, but tell me, was not that quarrel with Dorothy Morrison responsible for 'that trip? Stan — Listen, Grace. I just had to do something to clear myself with Miss Morrison. I knew she owned stock in the Freeport Colorado Central Railroad which has not been operating because of its inability to pro- cure a franchise from the city of Freeport through the town. I took what money I had and fought the city and today the franchise was granted. Grace — But I don't understand — Stan — Can't you see? Dorothy Morrison thinks she is penniless because that stock is worthless. In real- ity her holdings in that company are worth now between sixty and seventy-five thousand dollars. The Backfire 73 Grace — And you spent your whole fortune in order to make that stock worth something? Stan — Grace, I just had to do something to clear myself. Grace — (placing both hands on his shoulders) Stan you spent $27,000 for Dorothy Morrison? Stan — Well, you see, that's all I had. Grace — (impulsively) Stan, I'm proud of you. It was a wonderful thing to do. You're a real lover. (Music stops.) Stan — Now I want you to arrange things for me so that 1 can get to talk to her Do you think you can do it. Grace — (eagerly) And then you'll tell her all about it? Stan — (quickly) No, no. She must not know any- thing about the part I played in the matter. Grace — Stan, you spend $27,000 on a girl and then want to keep her in ignorance of the fact? Stan — (stvhhornly) She must never know that I had anything to do with it. But she must be told that the stock is valuable, to make sure that she doesn't sell it for little or nothing. Grace — (happily) Stan, she'll be too happy for words. There are so many things she has missed lately; her horses, her auto, her servants — Stan — (eagerly) Grace, bring her in here quickly, so I can tell her right away. Grace — Oh, Stan, she'll be so glad — she'll fall on your neck and kiss you. Stan — (excited) Then for goodness sake don't lose any more time. Send her in right away. (Exit Grace, R. Stan paces up and down excitedly several tiynes. Exit Stan, R.) (Enter Winnie, C, followed by Harry.) 74 The Backfire Harry — (laughs slightly) Don't you think you have punished him enough, Winnie? (Looks off stage R.) Over there leaning against that stairway, just look at that picture of perfect woe. Winnie — {looks off stage R, haughtily, then tosses head stubbornly) I don't care. He needs a good lesson. He had no business coming late to my party, Harry — But you've punished him enough. And he'll kill Chauncey Henderson if you dance again with him tonight. Winnie — Chauncey ought to be killed. He's been dancing on my feet instead of the floor all evening. Harry — But if he's such a terrible dancer, why do you dance with him? Winnie— (pozii''w.f/> Just because. Harry — I know that's an excellent reason. But be- cause what? V/iNNlE — Because I want to — so there! Harry — But Billie doesn't like to see you dance with Chauncey. Winnie — [ivarmly) I don't care what Billie likes. I'll dance with whom I please. And I won't speak to him again, ever, ever, EVER! Harry — But Billie says he won't ever be late again. He'll start out two hours ahead of time in the future; and he'll hire two taxicabs next time, so if one breaks down, he'll have the other to fall back on. Winnie — (stormily) You can tell Billie Bowers I don't care if he hires ten of them. Harry — (with mock resignation) Well, I guess I'll have to tell Billie it's all off, and he'll have to find another girl. Winnie — (haughtily) You can tell him whatever you please. Harry — (slyly) Well it's a good thing Billie has that pretty little Vera Compton to fall back on. By Jove, they will make a fine-looking couple. The Backfire 75 Winnie — {in center of stage; spitefully) Pretty! Is she still wearing that 18th Century dress? Harry — (looking oif R.) They're talking together now. By George, they do make a fine looking couple. ( Winnie tosses her head iyi 'pretended disdain.) Harry — Look, Winnie. {Winnie does not budge.) See, Billie is dark {or light as the case may be) and Vera is a blond. That makes a fine combination. Winnie — She's not blond. She's red-headed. Harry — (still looking off R, enthusiastically) I never saw Billie so interested in a,ny girl before. Vera is an intelligent girl. Winnie — (suddenly, stormily, bursting into tears) Harry Langdon, I'll never speak to you again as long as I live. (Rushes off stane L.) (Harry htirries oif stage R, and reappears in a few seconds with Billie. Billie looks the very picture of dejection. As soon as he enters he slumps into chair.) Harry — (sarcastically) You're a fine picture of a Romeo. That love-making act of yours was a scream. Where did you ever see anybody make love like that be- fore? Billie — (gloomily) Well, why in the devil did you pick on Vera Compton? Anyone would have to be blind- folded to make love to her. Harry — Well, she's the only one who would stand it. Ye gods! Don't look so heavenly happy. You're a par- feet picture of Milwaukee, two weeks after prohibition. Billie — Oh, I don't care what happens to me. I think I'm going to die anyhow. Harry — Weil, you look it. (Pulls him out of chair to his f'::et.) Here, wake up. Try to look alive even if you are dead. Billie — (pathetically) Harry, she danced four times with him tonight. Harry — Well, what of it? If she can stand his dancing on her feet for four long dances, you ought to. 76 The Backfire BiLLiE — But she likes to dance with him. Harry — Likes to ! Say, how would you like to have someone use your feet as a ballroom floor all evening? BiLLiE — (disconsolately) Then, why does she do it? Harry — Because Chauncey doesn't ask her whether she likes it or not. He goes up to her and says, "This is my dance," and takes it, whether she likes it or not. That's the way you have to treat them. Treat 'em rough. When you go up to her you act like a little poodle dog. BiLLiE — (hopelesshj) I can't act rough, (suddenly) Harry, you ask her for me. Harry — (drops disgusted into chair) I ask her for you! Say. don't you think I'd better marry her for you? BiLLiE — But I don't know how to go about it right. I know I'll boob it up. Harry — Not if you go about it right. She's in there now. Go in like a man. Make her recognize your superiority. Tell her what to do instead of letting her tell you. BiLLiE — (dubiously) You're sure it will work out right? Harry — Of course it will. All women are like that. Once shovz them that you're boss, and you will never have any more trouble. BiLLiE — And she's in there now? Harry — Sure. Now's just your chance. Brace up and go on in, and let her know who you are. BiLLiE — (starts sloivly and dubiously towards door L, then stops hesitatingly) Harry, you're sure it will work all right? Harry — (impatiently) Of course it will work. That cave man stuff always works. BiLLiE — (dubiously) Well, if you think it will work. (Tries vainly to muster up courage, starts brave- ly for door L, stops nervously, then suddenly goes out L.) The Backfire 77 Harry — That's the only way to handle women. Now, he won't ever have any more trouble with her. (Win7iie's voice suddenly heard- off L, speaking loudly and scathingly.) Winnie — You demand that I dance with you. You demand. Let me tell you something, Billie Bowers; I'm not going to dance with you at all. And what's more, I'll dance with Chauncey Henderson just as much as I please. Don't you ever dare speak to me again as long as you live. You demand! Who do you think you are, giving me orders? I'm going in right now and dance with Chauncey Henderson, so there. {Winnie sweeps in L, heml high, haughty as a queen. When she reache'Jl, Harry, she stops, turns a scathing look upon him, then tosses head and siveeps haughtily from room, R.) (Harry looks off after her, scratches head in per- plexity. Enter Billie, L, slowly and painfully, the very picture of absolute dejection. He comes to center of stage, pauses, then looks at Harry pathetically.) Billie — It — it didn't work. Harry — (Folds arms, looks Billie over from head to foot, exhaling deep breaths of fervent disgust) Ow!! (Takes Billie by arm, leading him out C.) Come on. You're done for. You'd better find that pickle factory belle now. (Exeunt Billie and Harry, C.) (Enter Dorothy, R. She looks around as though ex- pecting someone. Enter Stan, R.) Stan — (eagerly) Miss Morrison. Dorothy — (haughtily) 1 thought I had given you to understand, sir, that we are no longer friends. Stan — You did. Emphatically. The only reason I address you now, is because I have news for you that may be of interest. Dorothy — (coldly) I know of nothing you might 78 The Backfire tell me that would be of fnterest to me. So you'll excuse me. {Starts for door L.) Stan — Miss Morrison, won't you even give me a hearing to defend myself? Even the commonest crim- inal has that privilege. Dorothy — -I neither pardon nor condemn you. Your actions are entirely indifferent to me. Stan — (quickly) Dorothy, you — • Dorothy — (coldly) Miss Morrison. Stan — (^^agcrly) Miss Morrison, I really have good news for you. I hear you are selling your home next week, Dorothy— Is that the "good news" you have to tell me? Stan — No, no! It will not be necessary for you to sell your home. Dorothy — Your humor is entirely too deep for me, sir. Stan — (eagerly) But I mean it. Miss Morrison, you are worth at least $70,000. Dorothy — What ! Stj^N — Instead of being penniless, you are worth at least $70,000. Dorothy — (dazed) But — I — how? Stan — One of your investments that you consider worthless has turned out to te very profitable. Dorothy — You are really in earnest? Stan — Absolutely. Dorothy — And I really am worth $70,000? Stan — Probably more than that. Dorothy — And I won't have to sell our home? Stan — And you can repurchase your horses, and your autos — Dorothy — Oh, this is too good to be true. What in- vestment was it? The Backfire 79 Stan — The Freeport Colorado Central Railway. Dorothy — (staring at Stan) The Freeport Colo- rado Central Railway! Stan — {iagerly) Yes. It took a big jump today, and 3^our thousand shares are worth at least $70,000. Dorothy —(c?a^cd^;/) My thousand shares! Stan — And it probably will be worth more than that. Dorothy — But — but I don't own any of that stock. Stan— WHAT I ! Dorothy— I sold my thousand shares two months ago. Stan — {stunned) You sold your two thousand shares two motnhs ago! Dorothy — Yes. Stxn— {sinking into chair, overcome) Ye gods! $27,000 : Dorothy— $27,000 ! What do you mean? Stan — (rising, dazed) Nothing — nothing. I — I'm not feeling very well. Dorothy — But won't you explain? You act so queer. Stan — (dazed) I feel queer, too. (Starts slowly for door L. Turns) Miss Morrison, the ivory supply of the world is vsafe. (Exit L.) (Dorothy hurriedly looks off L, after Stan.) (Enter Harry, R.) Harry — (cheerfully) Congratulations, Miss Morri- son. Grace was just telling — • Dorothy — (quickly) Oh, Harry, won't you go in and see what is the matter with Mr. Royson? He was here just a few moments ago, and he acted so queer. First told me I was worth $70,000, and — Harry — But you see, you are worth $70,000. Your 80 Th^ Backfire thousand shares of Freeport Colorado Central stock took a big jump today. Dorothy — But I sold that stock two months ago. HARRY—What ! Dorothy — T sold it two months ago. Karry— (stunned) 0-w! $27,000!! Dorothy — You act just like he did. Has everybody gone crazy? Mr. Roy son seemed really ill. Harry — He not only seemed ill. He was ill. {Hur- ries out L.) $27,000! {Enter Grace.) Grace — {enthusiastically) Oh, Dorothy, I'm so glad — Dorothy — (interrupting) Just a minute. Are you going to act like the others — tell me I'm worth $70,000? Grace — {eagerly) So Stan told you already? Dorothy — Before we go any further — I sold my stock of Freeport Colorado Central Railway two months ago. Grace — What ! Dorothy — That's just the way they acted about it. What is all this about? Grace — {violently) Dorothy, you didn't — ^you did- n't sell that stock? Dorothy — But I did. Two months ago. Grace — {sinking to couch dazed) 0-oh! $27,000! Dorothy — (provoksd) Have you gone crazy, too? Mr. Royson really seemed ill. Grace — {still dazed) He will be for several months to come. $27,000 ! Dorothy — Grace, will you have the goodness to ex- plain this maze to me? Grace — Sit down, and I'll tell you the whole story; although Stan v/ill never forgive me for doing it. {Both sit on coiich.) Dorothy, did Brent Locksley tell you about The Backfire 81 the fight he had last week over the franchise of the Free- port Uolorado Central Railway? DoEOTHY — Yes. Grace — Did he tell you who it was who was fighting him on that franchise? Dorothy — (^interested) Yes. He said it was Stan- ley Royson. Grace — Good. Do you know why Stanley Royson made the fight for that franchise? DOROTH"i: — No. I couldn't understand why he made the fight, since, as Brent tells me, he owned no stock. Gra.ce — He did it tor someone who did own stock. Dorothy — Grace, has he gone mad? Grace — I think he has. I'll let you decide that when I've finished. He spent $27,000 of his own money to cause a stock to rise in value, in which he had no inter- est; he hired some of the best lawyers in the country to make a fight for something that would benefit him not an iota. Dorothy — Then, why — ; Gracf — Can't you see, Dorothy? He did it for some- one of whom he thinks more than of himself. Dorothy — Yes, yes. Grace — Dorothy, he did it for you. {Dramatic pause, then Dorothy rises, extremely ag- itated.) Dorothy — Grace, what — what do you mean? Grace — {rising) Just this. Stan knew that by win- ning that franchise, he could increase the value of stock which ne thought you possessed. So he spent every cent that he owned, and borrowed more, in order to make partial reparation for the wrong he thinks he did to you. Dorothy — (agitated) Grace, he didn't! Grace — Oh, but he did. Dorothy — And he didn't know, until I told him just a few minutes ago, that I no longer owned that stock? 82 The Backfire Grace — Not even a suspicion. Can you blame him for looking ill? Dorothy — And he spent $27,000; every cent that he owned, for me? Grace — And then borrowed from everybody who would trust him. Dorothy — Grace, he spent $27,000 for me? Grace — That is what I have been trying to tell you for the past ten minutes. Dorothy — (suddenly rushes over to Grace, throio- ing her arms around her exultantly) Oh, Grace, I'm so happy — so happy! Grace— Happy! Because Stan lost $27,000? Dorothy — (exidtantly) But don't you see, he wouldn't have done it unless — unless — Grace — Yes, unless what? Dorothy — Unless — Grace, honey, come and help me find him right away. (Takes Grace by arm and hur- riedly leads her forcibly L.) We must find him right away. (Exeunt Dorothy and Grace, L ,hastily.) (Enter Billie, doivn-cast and dejected, R. He sits on settee, holding head in his hands, a picture of perfect misery.) (Enter Harry, C, sees Billie, throws up hands in fervent disgust.) Harry — For the love of Pete, haven't you and Win- nie straightened things out yet? (Billie makes no an- svjer. Harry goes to door C and. calls.) Grace, oh, Grace. (To Billie.)Y(m're a fine Romeo, you are. (En- ter Grace, C.) Grace, do you see that sitting on the set- tee? See what you can do with it. Grace — I was just trying to help bring Dorothy and Stan together. Dorothy asked me to help find Stan. We looked all over for him and finally located him in the gar- den. But as soon as she saw him, after we had looked The Backfire 83 over the whole place for him, she runs back to the house like a frightened deer. I'm still trying to figure out why we looked for him in the first place. Harry — Well, here's a case that will require some more figuring. Talk to that, over on the settee and see what you can do with it. Grace — (consolingly, to Billie) What's the matter, Billie? Aren't they treating you right? Billie — (pathetically) Winnie danced eight times with Chauncey Henderson, and she won't dance with me at all. Harry — Well, for the love of mud, don't act like a sick calf about it. Brace up and show her you don't care. Billie — (glumly) But I do care. Grace, I think I'm going to die. Grace — Poor Billie! Never mind, Harry and I will straighten it out for you. Harry^ — Not on your life. I tried twice this evening to fix it up for him. First time I tried to get him to make love to Vera Compton. I wish you could have seen that love-making stunt. (Laughs heartily.) It was a scream. Billie — (forlornly) It just made things worse. Now she won't speak to me at all. Grace — Billie, if I promise to fix things for you, promise to do exactly as I tell you? Billie — (disconsolately) Yes, if I don't have to make love to Vera Compton, Grace — (consolingly) Of course you don't have to make love to Vera. Now, you stand outside that door {indicating door C) and when I give the signal, and mind you not before, you come in. (To Harry) Harry, go out and find Winnie. Harry — All right, but you can bet your last nickel, if it's possible to be boohed, he'll boob it. (Exit R.) Grace — Now, Billie, stand outside that door, and everything will be 0. K. 84 The Backfire BiLLiE — Grace, if thi^ thing works out right, I — I believe I'll kiss you. (ExH C.) (Enter Winnie and Harry, R.) Winnie — Harry said you wanted me, Grace. Grace — Winnie, do you know you have treated Bil- lie terribly tonight? Winnie — (tossing head defiantly) I don't care. He had no business acting the Avay he did. Harry — I agree with you. His acting was terrible. (Aside) Especially that love-making act. Grace — But you will drive him away altogether. Billie's a nice boy. You won't find many like him. Winnie — (sarcastically) Because they keep the others locked up, I suppose. Grace — (carelessly) Well, I'm glad you don't care. Especially after what Harry and I saw between him and Vera Compton just a few minutes ago. Winnie — (starts) Vera Compton! Harry — (ivith shocked expression) It was scandal- ous. Grace — When we entered the room he was making violent love to her — he was holding her hand — Harry — He was holding both her hands. Winnie — (trying to appear unconcerned) Hm! Little do I care. Grace — But that isn't all. That isn't all he was do- ing, was it Harry? Harry — No, indeed ! He was doing more than that. (Billie looks in door C, signalling frantically for Grace to stop. Grace ignores him entirely, while Harry slams the door on him.) Winnie — I don't care what he was doing. Grace — But Winnie, I feel that in viev/ of your past relations with Billie, you should know. Winnie, I really believe he kissed her. The Backfire 85 Harry — (shocked) Winnie, he kissed her twice, I sav; him. Winnie — (furiously) I don't care what he did to her. Just wait till I see him again tonight. Grace — But you won't see him again tonight. Harry — No, you won't see him again tonight. Winnie — (furiously) And why won't I? Grace — Becau se — Harry — Because — Grace — Because he left a few minutes ago with Vera. Winnie — (stunned) What ! Harry — Yes, in Vera's Packard. That's another nice thing about Vera — that Packard. Winnie — BilHe left with Vera Compton? Grace — Not five minutes ago. Winnie — (dazed) And he left without letting ma know! Harry — But you see, you haven't a Packard. (Winnie fUngs herself on to the settee, sobbincf. Grace and Harry hurry to door C, and pull Billie in. Bil- lle looks