I HoUinger Corp. pH8.5 PS 635 .Z9 L76 Copy 1 The Science of Mehitabel m ?! { ] 9 1 1 \ i 1 1 1 TO THE MANAGERS: /tz orc^er ^o avoid the de- lay necessarily attendant upon the circulation of a single manuscript among a number of managers, twelve copies of this play have been printed and ten of them are being sent out simultaneously to as many Nevj York producers. In case of rejection please return in the en- velope, stamped and ad- dressed, which accompanies this copy. Walter Linn. Carlisle, Pa., R. D. 6. A Play In Four Acts By Walter Linn COPYKIGIIT, 1912, DY WALTER LINN ■:~ki-\> 1 A Play in Four Acts By Walter Linn Copyright by WALTER LINN, 1912. ^CID 29575 THE CHARACTERS Mehitabel Lane, of Two Corners, Pa.; daughter of a high-class farmer; a girl who has enjoyed advant- ages, dresses in perfect taste and has charming man- ners. Loyal to the standards and ideals of the country and an enthusiastic student of domestic science at Boston. Dorothy Tomkins, cousin of Mehitabel; a New York society girl of the outer strata; stylish, good look- ing, athletic; fitted to grace any station except a station of usefulness ; possessing one ambition — to shine socially. Martha Tomkins, mother of Dorothy and just the kind of mother one would expect to bring up such a daughter. Originally of good stock and still rather prepossessing in appearance, her noblest concern is to convince the world that she is of Social Register material. Thus, she is inevitably silly. Henry Tomkins, husband of Martha, father of Dorothy and uncle of Mehitabel; a typical New York broker, rich and bluff, but of sound common sense omd a big heart. Entirely out of syntpathy with the social aspirations and pretentions of his wife and daughter. His only ambition to be permitted to enjoy domestic happiness and peace — blessings ivhich his money has not been able to buy for him. BURBECK Tomkins, brother of Dorothy; a slangy city boy of about fourteen, chafing under the artificialities of Riverside Drive, but a fine youngster at bottom. His dress shows the neglect of his incompetent mother. Donald Dunning, a wealthy young blue blood of the better sort, accounted one of the "catches" of New York. A fine fellow. Has~just published his first 4 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL novel. Imagines himself in love ivith Dorothy, who ivas the inspiration of his heroine and ivho has been exerting every effort to "land" him. Tom Moore, of Tivo Corners; a farmer ivho is also a college graduate and knows hoiv to deport himself in good society. Neighbor and life-long friend of Mehitabel. Annie McCarthy, an Irish servant of the Tomkinses, who departs shortly after the opening of the first act to return no more. Her speech has a fine Gaelic flavor, but it is not an exceedingly ratv brogue. Mrs. Gammon, a bustling, commonplace little social climber several stages beloiu the Tomkinses, who makes a brief appearance in the first act. Sallie, a Tiuo Corners servant, redolent of the Cumber- land Valley, ivho has an important comedy part in the fourth act. Jerry, a native of Two Comers; the kind one sees in the funny papers. Has a small scene in the fourth act. ACT I Time: — Five o'clock in the afternoon of a day in November of a recent year. Scene: — Old English receptio7i hall of the Tomkins mansion in Riverside Drive, Neiv York. At right center is a broad staircase turning in both directions at a loiv landing. Just back of, and at right angles to, the stairs is an entrance with a sliding door, noiv open, disclosing the dining room. The other en- ACT I 5 trance, at left center, is the front door of the mansion. Its beveled glass is covered with a filmy lace panel through which objects on the outside are dimly discernible. At right front, a luood fire flickers on an open hearth near which Dorothy is lounging in an attitude of elegant indolence in an easy chair, helping herself frequently to chocolates from a box on the massive table beside her. On the table is a bundle of golf clubs. At right back is a costly chime clock; center back a Victrola, in front of which Mrs. Tomkhv:-. is seated holding her poodle "Midget" and keeping time with her head to the canned cadences of Caruso's voice; two exquisitely curtained windoivs at back and another at left; polished ivood floor; expensive Oriental and fur rugs; fine pictures and bric-a- brac; a grand piano left back — in short, the shoiv place of a tvealthy home. Neither apart- ment nor occupants are garish in any respect, yet the scene and the characters immediately convey the impression that these ivorifien are of the ennuied leisure class — the class ivhich is continually obliged to assert its leisure for fear its status raay be underrated by those with whom leisure is a relaxation rather than a steady occupation!. Shortly after the curtain rises, Caruso finishes singing and Mrs. Tom- kins, lisping baby talk to her dog, rises to change the records. Mrs. Tomkins: Go's a pretty little pet, so oo is! 'Es! Oo like music! Mamma's going to play some more for her dearest Midget. {Puts poodle on chair.} Now sit there like a darling doggie. Mamma will be back in just one minute. 6 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL [Dorothy springs up, lays the novel on the table, snatches a driver out of the golf hag and strikes an attitude. 1 Mrs. Tomkins: What in the world — Dorothy : "The Girl of the Golf Links"! This is the attitude that first attracted him, mother. I remember perfectly the occasion he describes here, and to do myself full credit, I felt at the time that I was rather effective. [She poses again.] Mrs. Tomkins: Dorothy, I wish you would be more frank with me. Have you or have you not come to an understanding with Mr. Dunning? Dorothy : The papers have printed my picture as the heroine of his first book and we have been calling each other by our first names for two weeks. Mrs. Tomkins: [Doubtfully] Still— Dorothy : Won't I lord it over those parvenus who have looked down on us when I am Mrs. Donald Dunning? Mrs. Tomkins: Don't you think it would be proper for your father to speak to him ? Dorothy : Mother! m ACT I 7 Mrs. Tomkins: Well, I just can't bear the suspense. It means so much to us socially. [A heavy jar somewhere overhead shakes the ceiling. Both women jump.} Dorothy : I hope Annie will leave us the house. Mrs. Tomkins: I vow never again to be kind to servants. [To her dog.] Never mind, sweet precious! Mamma's coming right away. [To Dorothy, as she adjusts the new record.} This is the ''Anvil Chorus", Dorothy. Isn't it perfectly sweet ? [A series of crashes in the rear of the house, as of someone dragging a heavy trunk downstairs, carries out the rhythm of the anvil strokes in that ivell knoiun classic.} Dorothy : Simply darling! Mrs. Tomkins: The ungrateful creature ! [She turns to the Victrola. Dorothy goes back to her chair and her book. Enter Annie from dining room, red faced and truculent.} Mrs. Tomkins: What does this mean, McCarthy ? Annie : For one thing, ma'am, it means that I'm tired bein' 8 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL called McCarthy, like a ward politician in a barroom. Annie's my name. Mrs. Tomkins: I don't argue with servants. You are going. You are paid. [She finishes luith a shrug and turn^ to the Vic- trola.} Annie : Don't think, ma'am, that I would argue with them that's almost in the best circles, like the tail on a capital Q. I know my place, if you don't know yours. Mrs. Tomkins: McCarthy ! Annie : Oh, ye needn't be McCarthyin' me! From this day forth, I'm Miss McCarthy to you ! Dorothy : Annie, would you mind telling me why you are leaving us so suddenly? Annie : Suddintly, is it? The camel's back broke suddintly, too, but they were a long time loadin' it. I'm leaving for the same reason the second girl and the housekeeper left — because I can't stand no more. Dorothy : Has either Mother or I done anything? Annie : Done anything? You don't do nothing except put on more airs every day! ACT I Mrs. Tomkins: McCarthy! Annie : Miss McCarthy! I'm not afraid to tell ye the truth! In the four months since I come, ye haven't been inside your kitchen once. Ye don't know no more about runniiT a house than ye know about runnin' a — a orange plantation in Siberia. Mrs. Tomkins: Leave this room and this house instantly ! Annie : It's a pleasure I've been looking forward to this long time. Here's a telegram that came yesterday while you and Miss Dorothy was at the Noorich tea. [She produces the message luhich Mrs. Tomkins takes but does not open.'] Mrs. Tomkins: Why have you not given this to me before ? Annie : My thoughts was otherwise engaged. iShe draws out her skirts in an awkward curtsy. 1 Goodbye, ladies! Take the advice of your last help and escape to a hotel. Mrs. Tomkins: That will do ! Annie : There's plenty in the pantry, but it's my belief you'd starve to death in a rain of manna without somebody to drop it into your mouth. Good day ! Good day ! [Annie bows herself out of the dining room 10 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL door. Dorothy rises and crosses to window at left, carrying her book with her. She leaves the chocolates on the chair by the fireplace.} Dorothy : I don't believe the Dunnings have such disgraceful scenes in their house. [The mother, out of conceit of the Victrola now and unmindful for the moment even of Midget, collapses into a chair.] Mrs. Tomkins: I'm sure I don't know what more I could have done. I was kindness personified to that woman. She had every Thursday afternoon off. Dorothy : Read the telegram, Mother. Mrs. Tomkins: I'd forgotten all about it. [She opens and reads the message.] Who is it from? Merciful days Dorothy : Mrs. Tomkins Dorothy : Well, why don't you read it out loud ? Is it anything so terrible ? Mrs. Tomkins: Terrible? Oh, my dear! ACT I 11 Dorothy : I'm waiting. Mrs. Tomkins: [Reading] "Will arrive New York to-morrow after- noon. Account train connections would like to remain over night with you to make acquaintance of my city uncle and aunt. If inconvenient wire School of Domestic Science, Boston. — Mehitabel Lane." Dorothy : Who is Mehitabel Lane? Mrs. Tomkins: Your father's niece. Dorothy : I the cousin of a girl named Mehitabel ? Mrs. Tomkins: And that isn't the worst of it. She comes from the elegant and enlightened society of Two Corners, Penn- sylvania. Dorothy : That settles it! We'll have to grind the edges off the fruit knives. I only hope Donald doesn't see her. Mrs. Tomkins: {Eagerly'] Maybe she won't come! [Hopelessly] If she does, we must do our best to keep her indoors and hurry her off bright and early in the morning. Dorothy : [Sinking doivn on a sofa Mehitabel! Two Corners, P-A ! [She groans.] 12 ■ THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Tomkins: There is one thing sure; I shall not call her by that horrid name! Dorothy : You'll whistle for her, I presume ? Mrs. Tomkins: I shall call her Belle. Dorothy : Why, Mother, no white child has been called Belle since the civil war! Mrs. Tomkins: \_As the chime clock strikes five.'] We'll have another scene, I suppose, when your father and Burbeck get home and discover that they can't have dinner here. Dorothy : What's to prevent our going down town ? Mrs. Tomkins: [Sighing] Only your father's peculiarities. He's so old-fashioned about some things ! One might almost call him crude. Dorothy : At any rate, we owe it to the poor man not to experi- ment on him ourselves. Mrs. Tomkins: [Rising and taking up her poodle] I HOPE we are above the kitchen ! [Dorothy, ivho has happened to glance through the front ivindow, becomes suddenly agitated. She dashes wildly at her mother, drags her to ACT I 13 the fireplace and pulls her down behind the chair.] Mrs. Tomkins: [Ejaculating as she goes] Is it a mouse? Is it a mouse ? Dorothy : Sh-h ! It's that disgusting little climber, Mrs. Gammon ! Mrs. Tomkins: [In a lower voice] The presumptuous creature! [The bell rings.] I have a notion to go to the door and tell her we are not at home ! Dorothy : Keep quiet, Mother! Let her ring. Mrs. Tomkins: And let everybody see her standing at our front door? Our friends will think that we are on calling terms with her. Dorothy : [As the hell rings again] You don't suppose she could have seen us, do you? [Tucks in her mother's skirt.] Mrs. Tomkins: I don't want her to see us in this position anyway. Dorothy : I've heard it highly recommended by our rector. [The bell rings.] Ring away, my dear Mrs. Gammon ! [Sounds of conversation outside in which a male voice is distinguishable.] 14 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Tomkins: Now who is that? Dorothy : [In despair'] It's Father! Mrs. Tomkins: Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! [A latchkey is heard slipping into the lock and the door opens. Enter Tomkins, followed by Mrs. Gammon.'] Tomkins : Come right in, Mrs. Gammon. If they're not home now, they soon will be. Mrs. Gammon: I wanted to see them just a moment on a matter of church business. Tomkins : [Placiyig a chair center] Take a seat. I'll go look for them. Mrs. Gammon: [Seating herself] You are very kind, Mr. Tomkins ! [As Tomkins turns, Midget jumps doivn from the chair and runs toward him. Mrs. Tomkins tries in vain to call her back. Tomkins ap- proaches the chair and stares in blank amaze- ment at the upturned, pleading faces of his luife and daughter.] Tomkins: Well, I'll be— ACT I 15 [Seeing that the jig is up, Dorothy leaps to her feet, hook in hand. Her mother clambers up stiffly as Mrs. Gammon rises and faces them in astonishment. 1 Dorothy : Why, Dad! How you frightened us! We were just looking over Donald's new book. Oh! Mrs. Gammon! [Advances with outstretched hand as though only now aware of the lady's presence.l You have surprised us in the midst of our literary pursuits. TOMKINS : Literary pursuits! I thought it was funny if you were both saying your prayers ! Mrs. Tomkins: You know, Mrs. Gammon, that Dorothy is generally believed to be the heroine of Mr. Dunning's novel. Our friends do us the honor to imagine that she is "The Girl of the Golf Links." Mrs. Gammon: [Forgiving and fawning] Everybody knows that, and everybody who knows anything about New York society knows that Mr. Dunning couldn't have chosen a more charming heroine. Mrs. Tomkins: [Simpering] So kind ! Mrs. Gammon: [Playfully to Dorothy] You are a lucky girl, Miss Tomkins. He is by all odds the catch of New York. Dorothy : Perhaps. Won't you be seated, Mrs. Gammon ? 16 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Gammon: Some other time. I just dropped in now to ask if I might put you down for a subscription to our poor chil- dren's Christmas fund? Mrs. Tom kins: Certainly ! The dear little waifs ! I'll give twenty-five dollars. Mrs. Gammon: [Making a note] Oh, thanks ! Mrs. Tomkins: Is that enough? Mrs. Gammon: Most generous, I'm sure ! Dorothy : You may put me down for another twenty-five, Mrs. Gammon. Mrs. Gammon: [Making another note] I hope this will bring you your heart's dearest wish. Mrs. Tomkins: Now, Mrs. Gammon, you mustn't cause talk about Dorothy and Donald. Tomkins : No, Mrs. Gammon, he might not like it. Mrs. Gammon: [Finger to lips] Not a word ! Goodbye ! Do come to see me ! ACT I 17 Dorothy : \_Folloiving the visitor to the door'] We WILL try to get around soon. Mrs. Tomkins: Indeed we will. We've spoken about it so often. Goodbye, my dear! Tomkins : [From the rear} Goodbye, Mrs. Gammon. Mrs. Gammon: [At the open door] Goodbye, Mr. Tomkins. What a perfect view you have ! [She passes through the door.] Tomkins: And Mrs. Gammon ! Mrs. Gammon: Yes, Mr. Tomkins? Tomkins: Call again. Mrs. Gammon: Thank you, I shall. Tomkins : Call soon and often. [The door closes and the storm breaks. Dorothy and her mother turn on Tomkins in a rage and Tomkins gloivers fiercely at them.l Mrs. Tomkins: Henry Tomkins, you're a fool ! 18 . THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dorothy : Do you want to ruin us? Mrs. Tomkins: If you have no respect for yourself, you might at least have some consideration for the social position of your wife and daughter. Tomkins: And a most enviable position it was when I came in! Let me tell you, Martha, and you, too, Dorothy, there is a limit to the snobbery I will endure. Another such out- rageous exhibition as this and, by the lord, I'll move you into a Harlem flat ! Dorothy : We're not one of the old families, Father. Mrs. Tomkins: And we can't afford to be intimate with bounders, even if we had any inclination to be. Tomkins: Then why do you complain of the snubs you get when you try to bound into the crowd that feels toward you as you feel toward Mrs. Gammon? Mrs. Tomkins: As a husband and father you OUGHT to be able to see that there is a difference. Tomkins: The difference between Tweedledum and Tweedledee ! [With a ivave of disgust he dismisses the sub- ject, pulls a small parcel from his pocket, slams it on the table, drops into the chair where ACT I 19 Dorothy has left her chocolates in ambush, and buries himself in a newspaper.} Mrs. Tomkins: It is fortunate that the position of this family doesn't depend on YOUR efforts. Tomkins : Don't talk to me! I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm worried and my feet hurt like blazes ! Dorothy : [Who has opened the parcel] Oh, Mother! The new Social Register ! Mrs. Tomkins: See if the Martins are in yet. Dorothy : That's just what I was looking for. Tomkins: And if they're in, find out whether it's for thirty or sixty days. Dorothy : No, they haven't made it yet, thank heaven ! That Anna- belle would have been simply intolerable. Let's see the T's. Thane, Thorwald, Thomas — [Her eyes and mouth open wide. She stares at the book and then fairly shouts:] Henry Tomkins! Tomkins: You're getting rather fresh, aren't you ? Mrs. Tomkins: [Coming up on the run] Mercy on us ! Let me see I 20 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL Dorothy : It's here! It's here on page 93! IReacWl "Tomkins, Henry. House Riverside Drive. Clubs, Travelers and Golf. Mrs. Henry (Burbeck) Tomkins, Miss Dorothy Tomkins and Burbeck Tomkins." Father! How did you do it? Tomkins: [Surprised and not pleased] I didn't. Mrs. Tomkins: [To Dorothy] It is simply a recognition of merit, my dear. Society recognizes one in time, if one is really deserving of it. If not — \_an eloquently contemptuous shrug] . Let me look at that again, Dorothy. Tomkins : What new agony will we have to put on to live up to this ? Mrs. Tomkins: [Ignoring him] Right between the Thomases and the Tophams ! Dorothy: There isn't a more impressive page in the book, unless it is the D-u-n's. Tomkins: Duns are always impressive. [The broker, who has given mute evidence from time to time that his feet are causing him many pangs, suddenly begins to unlace his shoes. His tvife is horrified.] Mrs. Tomkins: Henry! What ARE you doing? ACT I 21 TOMKINS : Trying to find out whether there are two feet or four in my shoes. [By sundry sniffs, jerks of her head and motions of her lips, Mrs. Tomkins indicates that she strongly disapproves of the investigation. Dorothy, too, seems to feel that it isn't exactly in harmony ivith the dignity of a Social Register family to remove one's shoes in the reception hall, hut they say nothing and Tomkins pulls off one shoe and then the other ivith audible satis- faction.] Tomkins : Only two ! [Both socks have huge holes in the feet. Tomkins studies them pensively for a moment ayid then, holding up one foot, he wiggles the toes for the edification of his wife.] Tomkins: Look at that ! {Holds up the other foot] And that ! Mrs. Tomkins: You have money enough to buy new ones. Tomkins: I buy a dozen pairs every time I think about it, but this is the only kind I can keep in my chiffonier. My Mother would never have put away a pair of socks like that. Mrs. Tomkins: No? Tomkins : No ! She would have darned them. 22 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dorothy : {Laying doum the Social Register, which her indignant mother j^icks up.] No woman who is anybody DARNS to-day, Father. TOMKINS: A woman to be somebody nowadays has to make herself about as useful as a Chinese lady's foot. [Holds up the shoes'] I'll give you a dollar if you'll take these Spanish inquisitions upstairs and bring me my slippers. Mrs. Tomkins: You needn't settle yourself for the evening, Henry. We will have to go downtown to dinner. Tomkins: [Rising angrily, shoes in hand and candy sticking to his coattails] Another one gone? Dorothy : Father Tomkins! You've gone and mashed my choco- lates ! [Tomkins passes his hand over the only place where he would have been likely to have mashed them and finds the charge is true.] Dorothy : And I hadn't eaten half of them. [Enter Burbeck from the dining roofn, eating a banana.] Burbeck : Annie's gone! No dinner to-night. [He observes his irate father throwing the sticky mess of candy into the fire, handful at a time.] Better save it, Dad. We may need it. ACT I 23 [Tomkins stares at him haughtily. Burbeck, unabashed, tu7'ns to his mother, but addresses the poodle instead, chucking it under the chin.'] Burbeck : Hello, Midget! How's your mamma? Mrs. Tomkins: [Draiuing the dog away] . Stop teasing her, you rude boy! Dorothy : [Noticing that her brother's waistcoat is gaping] You're the sloppiest kid in Riverside Drive, Burbeck. Why don't you keep your vest buttoned? Burbeck : You mean "wes'cut". Dorothy : Well, why don't you button it? Burbeck : I ran out of nails yesterday. [Sees someone passing window.] Oo-oo! Look who's coming. Here, Dad, hold my banana while I go pick that peach. [The astonished Tomkins, who has picked up his shoes preparatory to making a dignified exit, takes the banana, holding it foolishly in his dis- engaged hand. The bell rings.] Mrs. Tomkins: [To her husband] Your shoes! [Tomkins tries to cover one foot with the other. There is no time for flight.] 24 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : [At door'] How do you do? Come right in. A Voice : Are Mr. and Mrs. Tomkins at home? BURBECK : Yes, Father and Mother are both at home. We're all at home, in fact. I'm delighted to see you. [Enter Mehitabel. Burbeck ushers her briskly to his mother.] Burbeck : Mother, here is — [He turns inquiringly to the new- comer.] Mehitabel : Mehitabel Lane. [Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy are dumbfounded to learn that this handsome, dainty girl, per- fectly goivned and possessing a distinct "air", is the dreaded country cousin. They stare at her stupidly, as does Tomkins, when he hears the name.] Tomkins : Who? Mehitabel : Mehitabel Lane, the daughter of your sister, Sarah. [Overjoyed, Tomkins drops shoes and bannna and springs foy^ward, embracing her warmly.] Tomkins : My little Sarah's child! Bless your heart! You're almost as welcome as though you were Sarah herself ! ACT I 25 Mehitabel : [Laughing and almost crushed'] I can believe it, Uncle Henry. TOMKINS : [Holding her at arm's length and gazing at her admir- ingly] Where in the world did you come from, Mehita- bel? How are your mother and father? Are they in town, too? Why didn't you let us know you were coming? [Mehitabel looks surprised and is on the point of ansivering ivhen Burbeck, unwilling to allow his father to m^onopolize the pretty visitor, steps on his bare toes, causing Tomkins to break away ivith a yell. It also calls his attention to the fact that his toes are unduly conspicuous. He thrusts them under a rug as the triumphant Burbeck gives Mehitabel a resounding smack.] Burbeck : Gee, but I'm glad you're my cousin ! Mehitabel : This is Burbeck, I presume? Burbeck : That's my name. Mother gave it to me before I was old enough to fight. Mrs. Tomkins: Any boy might be proud of the name. Burbeck : [To Mehitabel] Sounds like a new variety of potato, doesn't it? 26 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS : This is your Aunt Martha, Mehitabel. MEHITABEL : [Kissing her formally polite relative^ And to think, Aunt Martha, that this is the first time I have ever seen you. [She takes a paw of the poodle in her fingers] How do you do, doggie ? What a bright little face it has. Mrs. Tomkins: [Pleased] She took the blue ribbon in the poodle class at the dog show last winter. [Exit Burbeck, L.] Tomkins: And your Cousin Dorothy, Mehitabel. I used to think she looked like your mother when she was a baby. Do you see the resemblance? [Mehitabel scans her cousin seriously; then, smiling, kisses her.] Mehitabel : ril grant you anything else. Cousin ' Dorothy, but I'm jealous of that resemblance. Dorothy : Then I promise not to compete for it. Mehitabel : Uncle Henry, I infer from what you said that you didn't get my telegram. Mrs. Tomkins: The reason was that our cook, who received it yesterday, failed to hand it to me until she took French leave this afternoon. ACT I 27 Mehitabel : Then I know I am interfering with your plans. I shall go straight to the station and take the night train. My taxi is waiting for me. [Enter Berbeck L. ivith Uirge handbag.'] BURBECK : No it isn't. I paid the man and told him to hike. Good for you, Beckie ! Don't say that, Dad? Tom KINS : BURBECK : Mrs. Tomkins: You are quite as welcome as though we had got the tele- gram on time. Tomkins : [Emerging from the rug and sitting doivn to put on his shoes] Well, I should say you are ! [As Mehitabel glances at his feet.] I was trying to hide them, Mehita- bel, but you see what a swell chance I had. Don't tell your mother about it, will you ? Dorothy : [Interrupting] Shall we go to Rector's, Father? Tomkins: [Making a ivry face as he draws on one shoe] I suppose so. Lord, how I wish we could keep a cook ! Mehitabel : You know I am a domestic scientist, to say nothing of being a farmer's daughter. With a little assistance in finding things, it would be great fun for me to get dinner. 28 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: That just shows how families drift apart nowadays. I didn't know you were studying domestic science. MEHITABEL : I will be graduated from the Boston school next spring. Tom KINS : And can you get a whole dinner all by yourself? MEHITABEL : Try me. TOMKINS: [Removing the shoe he had put on] Burbeck, bring me my Romeos. Burbeck : I have to act as pilot, Dad. Nobody else knows where the kitchen is. MEHITABEL : Have we your permission, Aunt Martha ? Mrs. Tomkins: [Not cordially'] Oh, certainly! [Mehitabel picks up the shoes and the banana, handing the shoes to Dorothy.] MEHITABEL : If you will exchange your father's shoes for his slippers, Cousin Dorothy, Burbeck and I will see what we can find. Dorothy : [Coldly] Very well. [She stalks upstairs with the shoes, as Mehita- ACT I 29 bel removes her hat and wraps, Burbeck spring- ing forward to take them. He deposits them on a convenient chair. 1 Mrs. Tomkins: You will find things in great disorder, I'm afraid. Mehitabel : We'll try to set them to rights. Had you made any plans for dinner, Aunt Martha? Mrs. Tomkins: I never meddle with kitchen affairs. [Mehitabel looks surprised. Tomkins settles himself comfortably ivith his neivspaper in the chair by the fire.'] Tomkins : If they were all like you, Mehitabel, race suicide would go out of style. Mehitabel : Better reserve your decision until you have eaten the dinner, Uncle Henry. [Exit Mehitabel and Burbeck to dining room. Midget, breaking away from her mistress, trots after them. Burbeck closes the door behind them.] Mrs. Tomkins: Henry, I don't approve of this at all. Tomkins: Approve of what? 30 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Tomkins: Of sending a respectable girl into a kitchen. Tomkins: Is there anything in our kitchen a respectable girl shouldn't see? Mrs. Tomkins: The kitchen is no place for a girl. Dorothy : [Desceyiding the stairs with the slippers'] I say so, too. I don't want any of my friends to know that I'm the cousin of a cook. [She hands the slippers to her father. He puts them on.] Tomkins: It's comforting to know there's one in the connection. Dorothy : Cooks can be hired for six dollars a week. Mrs. Tomkins: And ladies must be trained from birth. Tomkins: For what? Mrs. Tomkins: Why — why to be ladies ! [Tomkins grunts and returns to his paper. The bell rings. Dorothy crosses to the door and opens it. Immediately one of her luorst moods becomes one of her most charming. Mrs. Tomkins, too, improves wonderfully.] ACT I 31 Dorothy : Come in, Donald. lEnter Dunning. They shake hands. Tomkins and his wife rise.'] Dunning : Looking like a picture, as usual, Dorothy. [Bowing to the others} Good evening. Tomkins : Hello, Donald. Mrs. Tomkins: How is the talented young author this evening? Dunning : The talented young author is ravenously hungry after a game of golf and he has just paused on his way to dinner to ask if your daughter has to-morrow evening free? Dorothy : She has. Dunning: May I appropriate it? Dorothy : It will give me great pleasure to bestow it on you. Dunning : Without even asking what I intend to do with it ? I take that as a compliment. Mrs. Tomkins: Indeed, you should! Dorothy isn't so gracious to every young man. 32 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning: Then I must try not to abuse her confidence in me. [To Dorothy'] I have tickets for something that has been highly recommended to me. I'll call for you at a quarter of eight. Dorothy : I'll try not to keep you waiting. TOMKINS: Why not stay to dinner with us, Donald? \_Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy exchange fright- ened glances.'] Dorothy : [Weakly] Yes, do, Donald. DUNNING : You tempt me. Tomkins: Give me your hat. {He takes it and lays it beside Mehita- bel's ivraps. Dunning: A hungry man needs little urging. [He tosses his neius- paper on the table and picks up the Social Register.] The new register? I haven't seen it yet. Dorothy : Isn't it a shame the way they invade one's privacy. Mrs. Tomkins: Heretofore, we have been allowed to escape, but we find that this year we, too, must be put in the pillory. [The women do not notice Dunning' s expres- ACT I 33 sion of astonishment and displeasure, but Tom- kins, who has had his suspicions about the Social Register episode, reads a confirmation of those suspicions in Dunning' s face. The young man puts down the register and takes up his oivn novel.l Dunning : "The Girl of the Golf Links". Another invasion of privacy. [Tomkins goes back to his easy chair and his paper.'] Dorothy : That's very different. There is some honor in being a model for genius. Dunning: It's good to be appreciated. Mrs. Tomkins: Who could help appreciating "The Girl of the Golf Links" It is perfectly sweet ! Dorothy : Oh, I think it's the dearest thing ! Dunning: I thought so, too, when I wrote it. •Dorothy : Do I understand, sir, that you are out of conceit of your Jane Lee? Dunning: Out of conceit of myself. 34 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: That's pretty serious for an author, isn't it? Dunning: [Laughing and taking a chair near Tomkins] It's very humihating at any rate. Tell me, Mr. Tomkins, was my pen picture of your daughter a true likeness ? Dorothy : You flattered me outrageously, but your heroine and I are alike in one respect — in our fondness for home and fireside. Tomkins: She means the parlor fire. Dunning: Young ladies of her station aren't supposed to be inter- ested in the kitchen fire, are they? Tomkins: Donald, Donald! I'm afraid you're an unsophisticated youth yet. Dunning : Why? [Mrs. Tomkins signals Dorothy to a mute con- ference at left, tuhich evidently has to do with the kitchen dilemma.] Tomkins: You admit, don't you, that woman's chief charm is as a home maker? Dunning: Of course. ACT I 35 TOMKINS: Well, tell me, which could the home dispense with best — a town hall like this, or the kitchen ? Dunning : I never thought of it in that light. TOMKINS: You probably won't so long as your three meals a day roll along smoothly to stoke the fires of your passionate sentiment. But there ! I guess I have a grouch to-day. Everything's gone wrong. Say! [He glances at Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy to he sure they are not listening.'] Wasn't it you put us in the Social Radiator? Dunning : The Social Register? Tomkins : I knew it was a hot one somehow. You did it, didn't you? Dunning: We-11, not exactly — Tomkins : Not exactly, but you did. I thought so all along, and I certainly appreciate it. Dunning : You ! Why, Mr. Tomkins, I would have taken my Bible oath you didn't care a fig for social distinction. Tomkins: Haven't I as good a right to make a polite bluff as my wife and daughter have to make the other kind ? 36 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning : [Laughing and growing serious] Mr. Tomkins, you're the finest man I know. Tomkins : Not much in the papers to-day. Dunning: The embezzlement is about the only important local news I've seen. Tomkins: Embezzlement? There's nothing here about an em- bezzlement. Dunning : [Reaching for the paper on the table] Perhaps mine is a later edition. The cashier of the Security Trust and Safety Deposit has disappeared with half a million dollars. [Tomkins rises as though someone had struck him. Dunning, opening his neivspaper does not observe his agitation. The tivo women, talk- ing in pantomime across the stage are thinking only of their otvn aivkward predicament.] Dunning: They say the bank is hopelessly involved. Here it is. [He holds out the paper to Tompkins, pointing with one forefinger to a flaring headline on the first page, but when he raises his eyes, he is aghast at the change in Tomkiris' appearance. The broker looks as though he luere on the verge of collapse. Eyes staring, jaivs set and fists clenched, he slowly resumes his seat.] ACT I 37 Dunning : Mr. Tomkins! Are you ill? TOMKINS: My bank ! Dunning : Surely it won't be so serious for you as that? Tomkins: I'm ruined ! Dunning : But I don't understand. You are not a banker. You're a broker. Tomkins: I'm a broke broker. Dunning : Well, now, Mr. Tomkins, maybe — Tomkins : Thanks, Donald, but there's no comfort in the situation for me. I know exactly how things stand. I've been afraid of this for months. The bank's failure means my failure. I'm busted — flat. \_Dunning lays his hand on the arm of Tomkins' chair. The tivo men sit silent.} Dorothy : [In loiv tones to her mother-] 1 don't see any way out of it. Father has just gone and ruined us, that's what he's done. Mrs. Tomkins: We must do something ! Let me think ! Let me think ! 38 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Oh, dear ! My head is in a whirl ! Dorothy : I simply can't introduce as my blood relative a girl who deliberately places herself in the position of a menial. [The sliding door of the dining room opens a few inches and Burbeck sticks out his grinning face. He sees Dunning.'] Burbeck : Hello, Mr. Dunning! You here? Dunning : Yes, Burbeck. Burbeck : That's all right. I can fix it for you without so much as speaking to the cook. [He disappears and slides the door to.] TOMKINS: [To Dunning] Go back to them and keep- them amused until I get a chance to gather myself together. They mustn't know just now. I'll tell them — later. I wouldn't mind it so much if it were only I who suffered. But how can THEY face such a crisis ? [Dunning grips him ivarmly by the hand and turns without a word just as Mrs. Tomkins, breaking off the conference tvith Dorothy, is sidling toivard the dining room. Whatever her object may have been, she abandons it at once upon perceiving that she is discovered.] Mrs. Tomkins: I thought you had deserted us, Mr. Dunning. ACT I 39 Dunning : Mr. Tomkins and I have been talking business. Mrs. Tomkins: Business! Always business! I am sick of the word. It intrudes upon all our pleasures. Dorothy : I didn't think authors were interested in business. Dunning: They are when they have enough of this world's goods to make it worth their while to be interested. Dorothy : Then you consider the purely artistic temperament merely a matter of poverty? Dunning : I am beginning to think it a delusion and a fraud. Mrs. Tomkins: That doesn't sound like 'The Girl of the Golf Links". Dunning: There are times when "The Girl of the Golf Links" doesn't sound right to me, and this is one of them. Dorothy : Disowning the child of your own brain! What do you think of that, Father? Tomkins : Eh? What? Dorothy : Mr. Dunning repudiates his own novel. 40 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL TOMKINS: Oh, yes ! yes ! To be sure ! Mrs. Tomkins: Don't mind Mr. Tomkins' peculiar answers, Mr. Dun- ning. He is often abstracted like that. I tell him he is too self -centered. Dunning: It is so easy to become self-centered ! Mrs. Tomkins: Indeed it is! And I say that we should all make it a point to resist it; to fight against it; to assert our will power. [The sliding door of the dining room is rolled hack, disclosing a beautifully appointed table ■with candles burning and chairs placed. Enter Burbeck and Mehitabel in high good humor. To carry out her role as cook, Mehitabel has put on one of Annie's caps and aprons and she ap- pears now a sublimated ivaitress. Dunning gazes at her in admiration, Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy in horror. At sight of the stranger, Mehitabel shoius signs of confusion. She turns to Burbeck.] Mehitabel : Why, Burbeck, you didn't tell me — [The7'e is an aivkward pause — awkward for all except Tomkins, ivho has not yet become aware of the situation. Burbeck stands in open- mouthed amazement, unable to comprehend it all. Donald glances inquiringly from Mehitabel to Dorothy and her mother, but they are trans- ACT I 41 fixed with mortification. It does not take Mehitabel long to perceive that they do not wish to introduce her. A flash of pride passes over her face. Her features assume the cold im- passiveness of the trained servant. She curtsies slightly.] Dinner is served. Mehitabel : [Cu7'tain.'] [Curtain rises again as Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy, a great load having been taken from their minds, start for the dining room with Dunning.] Mrs. Tomkins: Come, Mr. Dunning. Dorothy : Wake up, Father! [They have entered the dining room as the astonished Burbeck leaps forivard with blazing eyes and Tomkins, realizing tvhat has been done, strides toivard Mehitabel.] Tomkins: What does this mean, I'd like to know? [Mehitabel places a finger to her lips ivith a look that silences them both. Reluctantly, angrily, they follotu the others into the dining room, Mehitabel by^inging up the rear.] [Curtain.] 42 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL [Another glimpse shows the party seated at the table, Mehitabel serving.] [Final Curtain.] ACT II 43 ACT II -Time: — About 10:30 the same evening. Scene: — Tomkins' den on the second floor of his Riverside Drive mansion. The room is much smaller, cozier and more homelike than the reception hall. It has a table ivith a drop light, pape7's, books and magazines on it. The one entrance is a door at right back, opening into the hall. There are tiuo windows at right. Center back is a bookcase, surmounted by a bust of some distinguished laivyer or statesman; left back, a built-in wall cabinet. At left center is an open fireplace ivith a wood fire almost burnt out. On the mantel are ornaments of various kinds, including a tall vase toward the front. In the angle of the chimney is a box filled with wood. Pictures, furniture, ornaments are all such as a man of means and simple tastes would gather about him in a lounging room that is for himself alone. The chairs are of the sumptuously easy kind. One of them, is drawn up before the fire now and in it sits Tomkins, gazing into the dying embers, which seem to be symbolic of his own case. He has done his best to keep up ap- pearances during the dinner and the early part of the evening, but at last has felt obliged to steal aivay to quiet and seclusion. Faintly audible music and laughter indicate that the blow which has fallen upon this house has not yet been revealed to the rest of the family. Enter Burbeck. As he opens and shuts the door, the sounds of merriinent become for an instant more distinct. The boy approaches to ivithin a few feet of his father before he speaks. Burbeck : [Softly'] What's the matter, Dad? 44 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL TOMKINS: [Coming out of his revery] Burbeck ! BURBECK : Can't you tell me what it is? TOMKINS : I thought I had kept up appearances better than that. Wasn't I as lively as the rest of you ? Burbeck : Oh, you were as lively as a grasshopper on a hot shovel. [Tomkins' short laugh is entirely mirthless.l Burbeck : But the shovel is hot — isn't it, Dad? [In his boyish tenderness he dratus nearer to his father and Tomkins puts an arm around him affectionately. '] Tomkins : Red hot! Beckie, do you think you could stand mis- fortune ? Burbeck : I can stand anything but "Beckie". Tomkins : You're going to be put to the test, my boy. You may have to be the man of the family and I want you to prove yourself true blue. Burbeck : I — I'll do my best. ACT II 45 TOMKINS : And whatever happens, you'll never think ill of your father? You'll always remember that he tried to do the best he could for you and that he loved you ? Promise me that, Burbeck. BuRBECK : [Sniffling'\ You can call me ''Beckie" if it'll help you any. Dad. TOMKINS : If anything were to happen to me, you must look out for your mother and sister. They — they aren't quite so well fitted to take hard knocks as you and I, Beckie. Burbeck : Gee, Dad ! I don't know what all this means. You look as serious as I feel when my last suspender button busts. [Tomkins rises and laughs as he slaps Burbeck on the shoulder.] TOMKINS: There, there, boy ! We mustn't get maudlin, you and I. We have our work cut out for us. I want you to be pre- pared as I am prepared ; that's all. Go down stairs now and tell them I have something of great importance to say to theiTi — here. Burbeck : Yes, sir! [Anxious, alarmed, aived, he turns toward the door, hut his father stops him.] TOMKINS : Tell Dunning to come up, too. 46 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : Yes, Dad. {Turns again and is again checked.^ TOMKINS: Burbeck ! BURBECK : Sir? TOMKINS: See that Mehitabel comes, too. I'll put an end to that disgraceful snobbery if it's my last act on earth. [Burbeck's thoughts have noiv been diverted from the serious business in hand. He walks back to his father, exploding as he goes.'] Burbeck : Wasn't that the limit, though? What did Mother and Sis mean by playing such a trick, anyway? Why they let Mr. Dunning think Mehitabel was our maid ! TOMKINS: I'll disillusion him. Burbeck : I was on the point of saying a couple of harsh slang words myself two or three times, but Mehitabel always caught my eye and squelched me. Say, Dad ! Isn't she a queen ? TOMKINS: [Turning as though to dismiss the subject] She is a fine girl. Burbeck : Worth half a dozen of Dorothy's friends. Fact is, the ACT II 47 more of Dorothy's friends you put together, the less they're worth. TOMKINS: No more now, Burbeck. BURBECK : Ail right, Dad, but on the level, wasn't there class to that dinner! And it was as good as Vv^atching a champion- ship game to see Mehitabel do it. She just had the Eng- lish on the balls all the time. She had the English on me, too. Why honest to gosh, Dad, I think I got about half of that dinner myself. TOMKINS : Another time I should like to hear about it, Burbeck, but there is something disagreeable on my mind just now. When you get to be a man see that you marry a girl like Mehitabel. Burbeck : Like her? I'm going to marry her! TOMKINS : Oh ! Well, deliver my message first, please. Burbeck : I'll go right away. [Goes but pauses at the door.] Burbeck: Dad! [No aTiswer.] Oh, Dad! TOMKINS : Yes? 48 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : Don't you think another piece of that Dutch apple cake would make you feel better ? TOMKINS: You may have my piece to-night. BURBECK : Thanks, Dad ! [Exit Burbeck, closing the door behind him. Tomkins, plunged back into his own disquiet- ing thoughts, takes a turn or two back and forth and then goes to the cabinet. He opens it and surveys the contents. First he takes out a re- volver, examines and replaces it. Then he thumbs over a bundle of papers until he finds the one he luants — a fo7'mal-looking document with a gold seal on it. Replacing the others, he reads this one over carefully.'] Tomkins: [Reading] "Without restriction as to cause of death." [Apparently satisfied, he lays the policy by itself in a more conspicuous place on the shelves, and as he does so there is a rap at the hall door. He bangs shut the door of the cabinet and puts his back to it.] Tomkins : Come! [Enter Mehitabel, still wearing the cap and apron.] Tomkins: You are prompt, Mehitabel. Where are the others? ACT II 49 Mehitabel : They are in the midst of a phonographic selection, Uncle Henry, but they will be along presently. I came first because I wanted to ask you to do me a favor. TOMKINS : Certainly this household owes you something after the insult of this evening, Mehitabel. Why didn't you let me speak when I wanted to ? Mehitabel : It was about that I came to talk to you, Uncle Henry. I want you to promise me that you won't expose my little game. TOMKINS : No! Mehitabel : Remember, I ask it as a favor, Uncle Henry. TOMKINS: Anything but that, Mehitabel ! Mehitabel : Please ! TOMKINS : No! As it is, I feel as though I could never look my sister in the face. To think that Sarah's child should be — Why didn't you throw a chair at them, Mehitabel ? Mehitabel : Won't you promise? TOMKINS : Why do you ask a thing like that ? 50 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mehitabel : I ask it because I wouldn't for all this world be the cause of an estrangement between Dorothy and the man she loves. Tom kins: If that's the sort of food their love feeds on, the sooner they are estranged the better. I'll bring Dorothy to her knees for that ! Mehitabel : Views of life are only a question of one's position, Uncle Henry. Why should I blame Dorothy? And why should you blame her, who placed her in the position from which she took her views? TOMKINS : If that's the case, I'm going to make amends right now. I'll take her out of that position and put her in one that'll be a lot better for her manners, if not for her pride. Mehitabel : Uncle Henry, unless you promise to do what I ask, I shall leave your house this instant. TOMKINS: No, no ! Don't do that ! I'll promise anything ! [Mehitabel stares at him in amazement. His manner is almost cringing now.l TOMKINS: I always depended on your mother when I was a boy, and I need someone like her to depend on now. Mehitabel : ^Drawing nearer^ You are in trouble. Uncle Henry. ACT II 51 TOMKINS : Yes. [Mehitabel takes his arm and lays one cheek against his shoulder. He pats her head.l TOMKINS : You are so much like Sarah. You know exactly what to say. Mehitabel : I didn't say anything. TOMKINS: I know it. [Voices heloiv become more distinct and foot- steps are heard on the stairs. Mehitabel starts toiuard the fireplace and raises a tuarning finger to Tomkins.l Mehitabel : Don't forget ! TOMKINS : I submit, but it's under protest. [Tomkins paces the floor nervously and Mehita- bel busies herself about the hearth, putting on more wood, siveeping up the ashes and generally setting things to rights, as a well-trained ser- vayit ivould do. Enter Mrs. Tomkins, Dorothy, Dunning and Burbeck, the two ivomen doing their best to keep up a lively front for their guest's benefit and Dunnbig looking as though their artificiality palled on him as it had never done before.] 52 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Tomkins: What is it, Henry, a charade or a riddle? [She drops languidly into a chai7\'] Tomkins: A problem — a very serious problem. [Dorothy has been glancing nervoiisly at Mehitabel ivho, taking the hint, starts to go.] Tomkins: Mehitabel, you will at least remain in the room and hear what I have to say? Mehitabel : Very well, sir. [She takes an inconspicuous station back. Dun- ning looks at her curiously. It is evident that his supicions are a7^oused.'] Dorothy : It must be serious, Father, to warrant this formal gath- ering of the household. Tomkins : Looking at it from your point of view, I can't conceive of a more crushing blow that could befall you. My death would be a trifle in comparison to it. Mrs. Tomkins: [Rising pale and tre^nbling] You haven't failed in busi- ness, Henry? Tomkins: Precisely that. [Mrs. Tomkins falls back into her chair ivith a faint shriek.'] ACT II ' 53 Dorothy : Father ! Mrs. Tom kins: [Sobbing into her hands] Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What have we done to deserve this ? Dorothy : Is — everything — gone ? TOMKINS: Every dollar. BURBECK : I've got five hundred in the bank, you know, Dad. TOMKINS : It was in the wrong bank, Burbeck. BURBECK : Is mine gone, too? TOMKINS : I'm afraid it is. Burbeck : I don't care. I'm glad of it. I want to be busted if you are. Dunning: Boy, you're a trump ! Mrs. Tom kins: It's all very well for innocent children to talk about want- ing to be penniless, but older people know what it means. Dunning : Try not to be unnerved, Mrs. Tomkins. There may be a 54 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL remedy that your husband cannot foresee at this time. Mrs. Tomkins: [Sobbing ] Oh, I hope so ! I sincerely hope so ! Dunning : [Approaching Dorothy and talking in low tones] For your father's sake as well as for your mother's sake, you must be brave, Dorothy. Dorothy : IBitterly] Brave? How can I be brave? Dunning : [For her ear 07ily] You know I have money ? Dorothy : You mean that you would save me? Dunning: I — I mean that I will do anything in my power for your father. Dorothy : Oh, Donald ! [Bursting into tears, she falls into his arms, to his surprise and embarrassment. Gently, but with as much expedition as possible, he leads her to a chair, ivhere he deposits her to weep softly to her heart's content.] Mrs. Tomkins: I simply can't stay here and face it. Dorothy : Think of receiving the condolences of that horrid little Mrs. Gammon ! ACT II 55 TOMKINS: You have heard the worst of it. When you are calmer, I have something more to say. Dorothy : Go on, Father, TOMKINS: Your mother has a small patrimony of her own. Mrs. Tomkins: [Grasping at stratus] Was that saved? Tomkins: [Nodding] Of course, it isn't large, but it will insure you and Dorothy against starvation, if you go to a place where you can live simply. Mrs. Tomkins: How or where can we live simply enough to get along on eighteen hundred a year? Tomkins: That is for you and Dorothy to decide, but it must be done. This small income and my life insurance of $100,000 are all that are left to you. Mrs. Tomkins: What good is life insurance? You have to die to get that, don't you? Tomkins : Unfortunately, yes. [Mehitahel, ivho has been standing motionless all this time, catches her breath and shoots a quick glance at her uncle. Dunning, also, re- gards him keenly.] 56 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : Don't talk that way, Dad ! Tom kins: We must look at a question like this from all sides, Bur- beck. BURBECK : [Moistly] Call me "Beckie". Dorothy : [Brightening] I have it! Mother and I will start for Europe immediately! Mrs. Tom kins: [Reviving] Europe! Could we do it? • Dorothy : Of course we can do it. One can live respectably on next to nothing in Italy. Mrs. Tomkins: But how about two? Dorothy : Or two, either. The house will have to be closed any- way, won't it, Father? [Tomki7is nods.] Dorothy : Very well, then! You and Burbeck can stay in New York and keep bachelors' quarters until you get on your feet again, as I'm sure yo uwiil in a short time. [She glances fondly at Dunning.] In that way, Mother and I won't be a burden to you and life won't be a burden to us. ACT II 57 TOMKINS: Do as you think best. Mrs. Tomkins: The thought of Europe is like a tonic to me. There is so much culture and refinement abroad, don't you think so, Mr. Dunning? Dunning: llndifferently'] Oh, yes. Mrs. Tomkins: One doesn't hear people talking about business, business, business, all the time. And the men are so courteous, so thoughtful, so romantic. Dear, dear! I am quite ex- cited already. My dear Mother always did say I threw off misfortune more bravely than anyone she knew. Dorothy : To-morrow is a sailing day. Can we pack to-night? Mrs. Tomkins: By all means ! Let's get as far away as possible before — [she shudders] — before the news of the failure is pub- lished. Dorothy : Then we haven't a minute to lose. Mother. You must start to pack at once and Donald and I will go to the telephone and see what can be done about arranging passage. I'm sure Florence Chalmers will postpone her trip a week and give us her reservation if we can't do any better. Come Donald ! [Her spirits now completely restored, she leads the sober Dunning away, Mrs. Torakins folloiu- ing. There is no ivord or thought for the un- happy husband and father.] 58 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mrs. Tomkins: I wonder if we can ever get off without a maid ? Dorothy : We'll have to take much less luggage than usual. Mrs. Tomkins: How much less? Dorothy : Three trunks will be as many as we can manage. Mrs. Tomkins: Three trunks ! Why, Dorothy, Midget ought to have ONE. [Exit Dorothy, Mrs. Tomkins and Dunning. Tomkins, crushed by the heartless7iess of his wife and daughter, remains in the same posi- tion, Mehitabel and Burbeck toward him simultaneously.] Burbeck : Don't you care. Dad. We'll have a high old time when they're gone. Tomkins: I — want — to be — alone now. [Reluctantly, Burbeck and Mehitabel move toivard the door. Tomkins ivatches them until Burbeck has made his exit, then faces about and walks to2vard the fireplace, supposing himself alone. At the door, however, Mehitabel pauses, her left hand on the outer knob. Her feminine instinct tells her that it is not wise to leave her uncle to himself while he is in his present mood. Standing motionless, she watches him as he goes to the wall cabinet and pours him- ACT II 59 self a drink from a decanter. He returns to the fire tvith the expression, the manner and the laggijig motions of a man ivho has had the heart taken out of him completely, "Why not do it 7101V?" is the thought that is iterating and re- iterating itself in his fevered brain. As though slowly coming to a decision, he goes back to the cabinet, takes out the revolver and looks at it. On the instant, Mehitabel, loithout making the slightest sound, darts into the hall, draws the door quickly but silently to behind her and raps sharply. Tomkins hitrriedly replaces the re- volver, closes the cabinet noiselessly and steals over to the chair in front of the fire. Another knock at the door more insistent than the first.] Tomkins: \_When he is seated] Come in! [Enter Mehitabel. She goes straight to her uncle aiul, seating her'self on the floor m front of him, folds her arms on his knees.] Mehitabel : I'm lonely in this big house, Uncle Henry. Won't you let me stay here with you ? [Tomkins places one hand on her head and gazes at her like a man who is just emerging from a bad dream.] Tomkins: Sarah's face ! Dear little Sarah ! She wasn't that kind. She used to mother me and sympathize with me and cater to me. 60 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL Mehitabel : And she still loves to tell stories about the days when you were children together on the old farm across the creek from ours. TOMKINS : Could it be that I was a child once? Mehitabel : The worst one and the most lovable one that ever lived. That's what Mother says. That is, the most lovable bOy child. I was a girl baby, you know. Tom kins: No doubt you were. Mehitabel : But I think it has always been a disappointment to Mother that she couldn't have had a boy just like you. She often looks at me sadly and says, "You have been a great comfort to me, Mehitabel, but Henry was so cute and SO mischievous." TOMKINS : Do you think she cares anything about me after all these years of neglect? Mehitabel : I'll tell you a secret. It was Mother who was responsible for my inviting myself to your house. I thought it was cheeky, but she said she knew you would be glad to see me. TOMKINS: Your mother was always a guardian angel to me. A fine return I have made to her! ACT II 61 Me HIT ABEL : She doesn't feel that way about it at all. She thinks you're splendid. Why, she is continually talking about you and praising you. "I knew Henry would succeed," she said, "because he has the heart of a woman and the courage of a lion." TOMKINS: Courage ? Mehitabel : Those are her very words. She says that as a boy, you were never known to acknowledge yourself beaten — at anything. [Tomkins stirs uneasily. Mehitabel sits silent for a moment luatching the effect of her words.} Mehitabel : Uncle Henry, will you let me stay here and take care of you and Burbeck while Aunt Martha and Dorothy are in Europe? Tomkins Let you Mehitabel : Then it's settled. I'm going to begin right away. I know what you need this minute. You need refreshments. [All of a sparkle 7ioiv, she goes to the cabinet and takes out the decanter and a glass, appear- ing not to notice the revolver. Tomkins rises to tuatch her.'] Mehitabel : Ah ! Here are some cigars, too. Colorado Clara. And 62 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL a fine picture of her on the box. What a pretty girl she is ! [She places the things on the table. Tomkins following, takes a seat beside it.] MEHITABEL : [Pouring a glassful of whisky] There, Uncle Henry. [Tomkins has been looking critically at her, in- stead of at the whisky.] Tomkins: How did you know that decanter was there? MEHITABEL : Why — all men keep things like that in closets, don't they? Tomkins: Do they? MEHITABEL : Father keeps a bottle in the kitchen cupboard that he says is cough medicine, and anybody can see that you haven't any cough. Tomkins: [In much better spirits] Now honestly, Mehitabel, did you come in here because you were lonesome or because you knew I was lonesome? [He rasies the glass to his lips a7id is about to drink the contents ivhen he discovers the un- usual quantity.] MEHITABEL : Don't you see how much brighter I am already ? ACT II 63 TOMKINS: {_Holding up the glass] Did you expect me to drink all that? Me HIT ABEL : Isn't that what it's for? TOMKINS : [Pouring back most of the luhisky] But in moderation. Me HIT ABEL : Pshaw! I should think you could have almost as much fun as that by taking a tablespoonful of Jamaica ginger. TOMKINS : There isn't much difference. The water please, Mehita- . bel. Mehitabel : Water? TOMKINS: You thought I took it raw, I suppose? Mehitabel : I catch on now. This is the stuff you eat in plum pud- ding and mince pies. It's brandy, isn't it? [She begins to laugh and Tomkins laughs, too.] Mehitabel : It isn't meant to drink any more that vanilla, and here I am serving it up to you out of the bottle. [She pours back the rest of the ivhisky, corks the decanter and takes it to the closet.] Never mind! I'll cook you some to- morrow. 64 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL [Tomkins, tvho has almost forgotten his mis- fortune by this time, bites off the end of a cigar and is fumbling for a match ivhen Mehitabel strikes one for him on the box.'] Mehitabel: You see I'm awfully green, Uncle Henry. Tomkins: That's the reason you're so restful, Mehitabel. I feel ten years younger than I did when you came in. Mehitabel : Then I'm glad I came, and I'm glad I'm green, too. Tomkins: Mehitabel. Mehitabel : Yes, Uncle Henry? Tomkins: I can't accept your offer to stay here and take care of Burbeck and me. Mehitabel : Of course, if you would rather not — Tomkins: It isn't that! Lord knows I'd rather have you than a pair of blonde angels from heaven with wings six feet long. Mehitabel: Why not let me stay, then ? Tomkins: It would interfere with your domestic science course for ACT II 65 one thing. * Mehitabel : I see. You think I am in need of finishing. TOMKINS : Not at all! Not at all! But you want your diploma, don't you? Mehitabel : I can't saj?" that I do. It was the skill I was after, not the certificate. Unless Father should lose his money, I v/ould never teach, I have other ambitions. TOMKINS: So? Mehitabel : Yes. I have the ambition to do more for my parents ; to make them more comfortable in their declining years; to smooth out all the little wrinkles that are so annoying in household routine and — and — to marry sometime, Uncle Henry, and have a home and children of my own. TOMKINS : I thought that kind of women went out of fashion with hoop skirts. Mehitabel : Now that you know my views, do you still insist on send- ing me away? TOMKINS: That isn't the real reason. You know your mother and I haven't seen much of each other since my marriage. You understand why, don't you ? 66 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mehitabel : That was why I hesitated about pouncing down on you this way. TOMKINS: And see what you got ! What would Sarah think of me if I were to appropriate her daughter now that I am in hard luck, when we hardly ever even exchanged letters in my days of prosperity? Mehitabel : I know what she would think of ME if I failed to do what I could to help her brother when he was in trouble. No, Uncle Henry, I intend to be quite selfish about this. As an unprotected country girl in a large city, I demand that you share your last crust with me, and if you refuse to do it, I shall write Mother that you have become a mean, miserly man. [Tomkins is greatly touched. He walks to the fireplace and throws aivay his cigar before trust- ing himself to answer.} Tomkins: Then you'll have to let me tell Dunning. Mehitabel : Gracious! I never thought of him. But you mustn't say anything to him yet. Perhaps — perhaps we won't see so much of him after Dorothy goes. Anyway, it's time you were in bed. I want to sit here and think. Good night, Uncle Henry. Try to get a good rest. [She bustles him toivard the door, Tomkins sub- mitting meekly.'] ACT II 67 TOMKINS: It's nice to be bossed, Mehitabel — when the boss knows her job. Mehitabel : Sleep tight, Uncle Henry. TOMKINS: I might have slept tighter if I had drunk that — that ex- tract you gave me. Good night, Mehitabel. [Exit Tomkins.] Mehitabel : [Calling after him] Good night. [She closes the door, turns off the lights and tip- toes to the cabinet. The decanter she examines seriously as one ivho should say, "I certainly saw him drink that". Then she takes up the re- volver, very much as she might lift a mouse by the tail and, closing the cabinet door, carries the lueapon to the big chair in front of the fire. Timidly she surveys it from all points of vieiv. It is evident that she ivants to remove the bul- lets but doesn't know hoio to go about it. She tries to poke them out loith a hairpin. Failing hi that she makes another study of the pistol and finally succeeds in breaking it. The car- tridges drop out on the chair and she looks at them with a shudder. Enter Mrs. Tomkins. She is proceeding cautiously, her eyes unaccus- tomed to the gloom. When she bumps into a chair, Mehitabel hears her and rises suddenly, her back to the fire and the revolver held behind her. Mrs. Tomkins gives a little scream of fright.] 68 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mehitabel : I didn't mean to frighten you, Aunt Martha. [Upon discovering Mehitabel, Mrs. Tomkins be- comes more embarassed than she ivas fright- ened.'] Mrs. Tomkins: I hope you won't blame us for that unfortunate predica- ment this evening, Mehitabel. Mehitabel : I require no apologies. Mrs. Tomkins: You can understand how it might have affected Dorothy's happiness? I'm sure we both appreciated your good sense and tact. Mehitabel : You didn't come here to tell me this, Aunt Martha. Is there anything I can do for you ? Mrs. Tomkins: Oh, no, thank you ! I had about finished packing and I thought — to tell you the truth, my dear, I came to get that life insurance policy. Henry is so careless about such things. [The withering scorn in Mehitabel's eyes makes her aunt quail] Mehitabel : I'm going to make it a point to keep Uncle Henry alive and well until you and Dorothy get back from Europe. Mrs. Tomkins: You're going to stay? ACT II 69 Mehitabel : I never run away from a signal of distress, Aunt Martha. Mrs. Tomkins: [Tearfully] I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm a mean, selfish woman. I'll stay at home if you think I ought to. Mehitabel : It's too late now and — under the circumstances, I think it is better that you should go. But leave the policy here. Mrs. Tomkins: Perhaps you're right. I'm sure I don't want to be self- centered and thoughtless, as poor, dear Henry so often is. Mehitabel : Will you allow me to get breakfast in the morning? Mrs. Tomkins: I'm ashamed to have you do it. Mehitabel : I'm proud that I am able to do it. What time, Aunt Martha? Mrs. Tomkins: We usually have it about eight o'clock. I hope you found your room comfortable, Mehitabel ? Mehitabel : Very. Did Cousin Dorothy succeed in getting reserva- tions ? Mrs. Tomkins: We sail at eleven twenty on the Teuton. Dear Old Europe ! 70 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL Mehitabel : If you have any packing to do, I should think you had better be about it. It is nearly eleven o'clock now. Mrs. Tomkins: Most of it is done and when Dorothy comes up, we'll finish it in a hurry. \_Moves toward door'] Good night, my dear. Thank you again for being so sweet and sen- sible. Mehitabel : Good night. [Exit Mrs. Tomkins. Mehitabel looks about for a suitable place to hide the revolver. Her eye falls on the case at the end of the mantel neai^est the ivoodbox. Climbing up on the box, she reaches as far down into the vase as she can and, luith a sigh of relief, drops the pistol. Her next thought is of the cartridges which she has left on the chair. She is gathering them up when Dunning appears at the door.] Dunning : [Calling softly] Mr. Tomkins! [He enters and ad- vances a few steps.] Mr. Tomkins ! Mehitabel : [Straightening up] Mr. Tomkins has retired, sir. [She holds the cartridges clasped in her right hand. Dunning seems glad of the opportunity to talk to her alone. He comes into the circle of the firelight. Mehitabel backs toiuard the hearth and, keeping her eyes steadily on him, throws the cartridges tvith a backivard motion into the fire, which is not burning very brightly no2v.] ACT II 71 Dunning: Won't you please tell me your name ? Mehitabel : Mehitabel. Dunning: I can't call you Mehitabel. You are not a servant. Mehitabel : Who told you that? Dunning : My intelligence. Mehitabel : [Relieved'] Oh ! Is that all ? [She sits doivn.] Dunning : [Seating himself near her] You don't seem to place a high value on my intelligence, Miss Mehitabel. Mehitabel : It isn't proper for you to call me "Miss". Dunning: And since you insist that you are a servant, it wasn't proper for you to sit down before I did, was it ? Mehitabel : Oh, excuse me, sir ! [She starts to rise, but Dunning restrains her.] Dunning: Please don't, Miss — Miss — 72 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mehitabel : Mehitabel. You see, sir, I am a servant who has had college training. Dunning: What? Mehitabel : The day of the crude, bungling, ungrammatical kitchen lout is past. First-class servants nowadays are trained as carefully as lawyers or doctors. Dunning : That's a new one on me. Mehitabel : Why not? Housework is an art and a science, as well as a profession any woman may be proud of. Dunning: Until I saw you and ate that dinner, I had never attached any great importance or dignity to domestic science. You are converting me. Mehitabel : I take as much pride in my ability to cook and keep a household running smoothly as you take in writing books. Dunning: Who told you I wrote books? Mehitabel : I have seen your photographs in the magazines and I have read "The Girl of the Golf Links". Dunning: Did you like it? ACT II 73 Merit ABEL : No. Dunning: Why, may I ask ? Mehitabel : It impressed me as being the work of a man who had seen only one phase of life and not very deeply into that. Dunning: By George ! You're a bit of a critic, as well as a cook. Mehitabel : [Remembering her role] I hope you'll pardon me, sir, but you asked my opinion. Dunning : A franker one I never got and, between you and me, I never got a better one. What you said is the truth. It has dawned on me very recently. My idol was made of clay. Mehitabel : I hope I haven't said anything to hurt you. One couldn't help admiring your work. It was simply that the materials you worked with did not appeal to me. And, oh, Mr. Dunning, if I may be permitted the liberty of saying so, I did admire you to-night for the way you stood by Miss Dorothy when you saw she was in trouble. Dunning : Did you admire Miss Dorothy for the way in which she faced that trouble ? Mehitabel : Miss Dorothy has been trained to be a rich man's daugh- ter. She should not be judged by other standards. 74 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning: What is to become of Mr. Tomkins, Mehitabel ? MEHITABEL : I shall do my best to take care of him and Mr. Burbeck while Mrs. Tomkins and Miss Dorothy are in Europe. Dunning: You are a noble girl, whoever you are. [_He leans for- ivavd and pokes the embers together, causing the fire to burn more brightly.] I want you to help me help Mr. Tomkins. Mehitabel : Have you a plan? Dunning: Unfortunately, I haven't anything but money. Mehitabel : Are you willing to lend Mr. Tomkins money? Dunning : Most assuredly I am. The difficulty is to persuade him to take it. He's awfully persnickety about such things. Mehitabel : [Her admiration grotving] You are worthy of — of — any woman. Dunning: [Rising] I must ask you to remember that. If you see an opportunity for me to be of service to Mr. Tomkins without appearing to be of service, let me know immedi- ately. You can reach me by telephone at any time. I shall be cooking up schemes, too, of course, and, be- tween us — ACT II 75 [One of the cartridges in the fire explodes with a terrific bang. Mehitabel springs between Du7ining and the hearth.^ Mehitabel : You are not hurt? Dunning: Hurt? No, but what was that? [Another report, accompanied by a splintering sound in the direction of the bookcase, luhere the head of the statesman's bust has been shot to pieces. Then three more explosions, almost together. Loud shrieks echo through the house. Mehitabel tvinces at each new explosion, try- ing to push Dunning away from the fire, but she bravely holds her position in front of him. Dorothy's voice is heard in a loud ivail from downstairs.] Dorothy's voice: Don-aid ! Dunning: You were shielding me from something in that fire. Mehitabel : Did you count them? Dunning: There were five explosions. Mehitabel : [Heaving a sigh] I think that's all. Dunning: What was it you threw in there when I came in ? / 76 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Mehitabel : Only some — some — gimcracks. [Enter Dorothy, folloiued by the hysterical Mrs. Tomkins, clad in a dressing sack and silk petti- coat, her scimpy hair flying loose. Close be- hind comes Burbeck in bare feet and pajamas. His hair is rumpled and he is rubbing his eyes as though not entirely awake yet.} Dorothy : Donald ! Donald ! Donald ! Mrs. Tomkins: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What has happened? Burbeck : Gimme a club or somethin' ! Dunning: [Holding out both hands to ward off Dorothy's onslaught] There is nothing to be alarmed about. No one has been injured. Please don't scream that way, Mrs. Tomkins. [Enter Tomkins in dressing goivn and slippers. He switches on the lights.] Tomkins: What's all this commotion? Mehitabel : Only the fire crackling. Uncle Henry. Dorothy : No fire ever crackled like that. Mrs. Tomkins: It was pistols, I tell you I ACT II 77 BURBECK : Sounded like a Gatling gun to me. Dunning : I dare say some explosive substance may have gotten into the fire by accident. Mehitabel : Oh, no ! Hickory always does that. Dorothy : Whoever heard such nonsense ? Mrs. Tomkins: I know the house has been robbed! I just know it! Dorothy : Why doesn't somebody telephone for the police? Dunning: Because there is no occasion. BURBECK : [Yawning] .If Cousin Mehitabel says it was the wood, that settles it. I'm going back to bed. [Exit Burbeck.l Dunning: Cousin Mehitabel ! [He looks at Dorothy, ivho hangs her head in shame, and at Mehitabel, ivho avoids his glance. Tomkins has been conducting a hurried survey of the room. He spies the broken bust, strides rapidly to the cabinet, finds that the revolver is gone and approaches Mehitabel anxiously as Dunning finishes his speech.] 78 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: You're sure you are not hurt? MEHITABEL : Not in the least. TOMKINS: Thank God ! [He embraces and kisses her.'] I promise you, Mehitabel, that I shall never be tempted to use hickory again. [Curtain.'} ACT in 79 ACT III Time: — The folloiuing March. About 5:30 in the evening. Scene: — Kitchen of Tomkins' apartme^it on Washington Heights. The construction conveys the impression of smallness and compact- pactness. In comparison ivith the spacious magnificence of the Riverside Drive ma)ision, it seems very humble, but it is a model kitchen for all that. The floor is covered loith the spacious magnificence of the Riverside Drive mansion, it seems very humble, but it is a model kitchen for all that. The floor is covered with dark linoleum in imitation of tiling and the ivhite glazed wall paper is of a similar pattern. At right front is a large gas range, with oven thermometer, a funnel above for carrying off fumes of the cooking and every other con- trivance that the latest and best gas range can boast. Close back of the rayige is a porcelain sink and a draining surface. Some spotless dish totuels hang above it and on the ivall above them is a clock for the convenience of the cook. Beneath the sink is a metal bucket, equipped with a lid that stvings on a hinge and opens at a touch of the foot. A kitchen cabinet of ornate design, with mirrors set into the doors, stands behind the sink, and about equi-distant from range, sink and cabinet, near center, is a bright- ly-scoured kitchen table, with tivo or three books on it, and a comfortable rocking chair at the side nearest the stove. It is evident that the presid- ing genius here knows hoiv to put in her spare moments to advantage. At right back, a door communicates luith a small pantry. To the left of the door at back is the ice box and to the left of that again, a loiu stand holding a fireless THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL cooker. An apron hangs on a hook hack of a S2ui7igi7ig door at I eft center, communicating ivith the dining room. This door is the only en- trance. There is one ivindow at hack and one at right. Two or three plain ivooden chairs of kitchen pattern and a high stool at the cabinet complete the furnishing of the room. As the curtain rises, Burheck is heard whistling and his back is seen through the open pantry door. He reaches for something that puts an end to his tune, as Mehitabel enter's from the dining roo7n, humming softly. She is dressed in a dainty afternoon goivn — maid no more, hut evi- dently very much the inistress of the situation. She takes the apron frorn the hook and is ad- justing it as Burbeck enters from the pantry, eating a ivedge of pie. Yum, yum, yum ! Don't make crumbs. Burbeck : Mehitabel : [She crosses to the ice box and takes out a plate- ful of squabs, ready for the oven. Burbeck holds his open palm under the pie and looks around him on the floor anxiously.'] Burbeck : Say, if I thought I'd wasted a crumb of this pie, I'd never forgive myself. [Mehitabel, laughing, crosses ivith birds to cabinet, opens it, disclosing its wonderfully com- plete contents, puts dotvn the plate, seats her- self on the stool and prepares for business, as Burbeck drops doivn contentedly in the rocking ACT HI 81 chair beside the table.l Mehitabel : Didn't I hear you mention my name on the telephone a few minutes ago, Burbeck ? BURBECK : You know I told you to call me Bill ! Mehitabel : I beg your pardon, Bill. Who was it that telephoned? Burbeck: Dad. He said to tell you Dunning v/ould be here to din- ner. Seems to me we ought to be getting meal tickets printed for him. Mehitabel : Oh, what an inhospitable boy! You know that your father and Mr. Dunning have had a great deal of busi- ness together lately. [She gets out a paper bag and greases it with a brush.'] Burbeck : Is Dad going to get rich again? Mehitabel : Looks that way. [She puts the squabs into the bag and closes it ivith clips.'] Burbeck : I like pie better than style. Mehitabel : We HAVE been a happy little family in spite of the hard luck, haven't we. Bill? 82 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : [On the verge of tears'] The hard luck is going to come when we move back to Riverside Drive and get a paid cook. MEHITABEL : [Taking the hag to the range and stooping to examine the thermometer'] We wont cross bridges until we come to them. I haven't gone yet. \_She turns the handle governing the oven thermometer ever so slightly to 'bring the temperature to the exact degree required, and glances at the clock. Then, putting in the squabs, she takes out a pie and sets it on the table.] MEHITABEL : There, Bill, it may cheer you to carry that to the pantry. [Upon discovering the neiv pie, Burbeck starts to cram the last feiv bites of the piece he holds into his mouth.] MEHITABEL : But you're not to cut it until to-morrow, mind. [His mouth stuffed full, the boy gazes ruefully at the surviving crumb in his hand.] Burbeck : That's what comes of jumping at conclusions. [Mehitabel, humming again, returns to the cabi- not for the empty plate, ivashes and dries it at the sink and returns it to its proj^yer place in the cabinet. Burbeck tries to pick up the pie, but finding it hot, he spreads one coattail over his left palm and deftly slides the pan on it. He gazes at it fondly and kisses his fingers to it as he starts for the pantry.] ACT III 83 BURBECK : [Apostrophizing the pie} I'll see you later, pet, [The door hell rings.] BURBECK : There he is now, I bet. Me HIT ABEL : [All in a flutter, hut trying to appear innocent] Who? [She goes to the ice hox and returns to the cahinet luith a hoiul spinach arid a howl containing peeled potatoes,] BURBECK : Who do you suppose? [Still holding the pan, he pushes open the dining room door and shouts.] Come in ! The door isn't locked. [When he sees the neiocomer, his jaiu drops.] A MAN'S VOICE: Is Miss Lane in? Burbeck: She's right here. I beg your pardon for yelling at you, but I thought you were somebody else. The voice : That's all right, young man. I'm not offended. [Enter Tom Moore.] Moore : Hello, there, Mehitabel! [Mehitahel, ivhose face showed disappointment upon learning that the caller tuas not Dunning, is delighted to see Moore. She drops her work 84 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL and dashes for him, taking him by both hands.} Mehitabel : Why Tom Moore ! What brings you to New York? Moore : My annual jaunt before the spring work opens. You know Two Corners has always regarded me as quite a gadder, Mehitabel : I just can't tell you how glad I am to see you. Moore : Your mother gave me your address and told me to be sure to look you up. Mehitabel : I'd have cut your acquaintance if you hadn't. Let me have your things. Mr. Moore, this is my cousin, Bur- beck Tomkins. [Burbeck, balancing the pie, contrives to shake hands as Mehitabel deposits Moore's hat and coat on a chair.'] Moore : Very glad to meet you, Burbeck. Burbeck : Call me Bill. I like names like Tom and Bill and Sam. They sound as if they belonged to fellows that were all there. Mehitabel : You might relieve yourself of that pie, Bill. ACT HI 85 BURBECK : [To Moor el Excuse me. I'll be back. {_He takes the pie to the pantry and returns immediately.] Me HIT ABEL : Tell me about Mother and Father. How are they get- ting along with nobody but old Annie to look after them ? Moore : Everything is as serene as usual. Your house always did run along like an eight-day clock. Mehitabel : And is Mother real well ? She says so in her letters, but Mother is not always strictly truthful about her own health. Moore : She's well enough, I guess, but she's mighty lonesome without you. In fact we all are. Wherever you go nowadays it's, "Have you heard when Mehitabel's com- ing back?" Mehitabel : Dear old Two Corners ! Burbeck : Say, are you a farmer ? I am. On the level? I try to be. Moore : Burbeck : Moore : 86 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : You don't look like the pictures of 'em I've seen. Moore : May I ask where you have seen the pictures of farmers? BURBECK : Oh, in Puck and Judge. [Mehitabel and Moore are highly amused.'] MEHITABEL : You see, Bill, Puck and Judge haven't room for all of us. BURBECK : [Mortified] Nix, nix, now ! I didn't mean that. I just thought they would be ind of like the pictures. [As Mf ore continues to laugh] You get me, don't you ? MoORE : Perfectly. Mehitabel : ■ To Burbeck] It's time for you to go dress. [She takes him affectionately by the lapels and looks him over ivith a critical eye.] Burbeck : What's the verdict? Mehitabel : Your collar is soiled, your shirt isn't any TOO clean, and I think you ought to put on your gray suit. Burbeck : The prisoner never faltered. [Moves toivard door.] ACT in 87 See you later, Mr. Moore. Did my laundry come, Mehitabel? Mehitabel : It's in your bureau drawer. BURBECK : You're the best valet I ever had. [Exit Burbeck.l Moore : He's a droll kid. MiEHITABEL I And he's just as good as he's funny. Sit down, Tom, and talk to me while I work. [She goes back to the cabinet and begins to cut small cubes of potatoes into a sauce pan, Moore seating himself in the rocker.'] Moore : We're used to kitchen visits, eh, Mehitabel? [He is at- tracted by the books.] Mehitabel : They're lots more fun than the parlor ordeals. Moore : [Reading titles'] "Food Values and Their Relations to Menus." Mehitabel : One of the books I studied at the Domestic Science School. You haven't found a wife yet, have you Tom? 88 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Moore : [Still looking at the books] No, because I'm careful not to look for them. Never seemed to me that you needed much training in domestic science with a mother like yours. MEHITABEL : She's worth half a dozen colleges. Still, my course has been very helpful to me. There was one of my class- mates I thought would be the very girl for you, Tom, till I found out that her hair was colored like oleomargarine. Moore : Huh ! [Reading] "The Girl of the Golf Links." That 'loesn't sound like a kitchen reference book. "By Donald Dunning." What are you blushing about, Mehitabel? MEHITABEL : I'm not blushing ! I know the author, that's all. He's a friend of Uncle Henry's. [Moore rises and approaches her in a half- playful, half-serious mood.] Moore : See here, now, little girl ! You know I've always been a big brother to you. Fess up, is there anything going on that a big brother ought to know about? [The girl's expression is strained. She is un- able to dissemble for his benefit.] Mehitabel : He is engaged to my Cousin Dorothy. [Moore puckers his mouth as though to whistle. Mehitabel makes a pretense of going on with her work.] ACT III 89 Moore : Your cousin's in Europe, isn't she? Mehitabel : She has been in Italy with Aunt Martha for the last four months. Moore : And this Dunning, do you see him often ? Mehitabel : He is here nearly every day — on business. He has been the means of saving Uncle Henry from a business dis- aster. He's coming to-night. Do you like him ? Yes. Anything more? [Defiantly] No. Moore : Mehitabel : Moore : Mehitabel : Moore : Well, my hat's off to any man who can make love to you and get away with it, Mehitabel. You laughed all the romance out of me before I was in long trousers. Mehitabel : Somehow this isn't quite so funny. [Moore regards her anxiously as she turns luith a sigh, prepares the spinach and measures out ivater from the spigot into a third saucepan.'] 90 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Moore : {Resuming his seat] There are times when the best thing a friend can do is to do nothing. MEHITABEL : [Going over to him and laying her hand on his shoulder] You ARE a friend, Tom — a good friend. I don't believe I could be fonder of my own brother if I had one. [The bell lings.} MEHITABEL : I — I think Mr. Dunning is coming now. [She crosses to ice box and is peering into it tuhen voices are heard in the dining room.] DuNNiNG's voice: Never mind, Bill, I'll go right out to the kitchen. [Enter Dunning. Moore rises, but Dunning has his back to him and does not see him.] MEHITABEL : How do you do, Mr. Dunning? Dunning : Never better. Miss Lane. You see I'm early — as usual. But I have a real excuse this time. MEHITABEL : You don't need one. Dunning: I wanted to tell you that the success of our little enter- prise is now assured. Within two or three days, Mr. Tomkins will be a richer man than he ever was in his life before. ACT III 91 Me HIT ABEL : And you? Dunning : I'll get a good deal more than I need. Me HIT ABEL : You have earned all you will get. Dunning : I would willingly give it in exchange for something else I do not seem — Mehitabel : Mr. Dunning, I want to introduce my neighbor and life- long friend, Mr. Thomas Moore. [Dunning whirls as Moore takes a step for- ward. Their survey of each other is searching. Moore is the first to extend his hand.} Moore : Glad to meet you, Mr. Dunning. Dunning : [Taking the hand and forcing a smile] Two Corners is acquiring a large representation in New York. BuRBECK's voice : Mehitabel! Oh, Mehitabel! [Mehitabel crosses to dining room door."] Moore : Not an unwelcome one, I hope ? Dunning: Quite to the contrary. 92 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Me HIT ABEL : [Pushing open the door] What is it Bill? BuRBECK's voice: Where are my other sleeve links ? MEHITABEL : In the little box on your bureau. Moore : Sleeve links, as I recall it, is city dialect for cuff buttons? Dunning: You are quick at our vernacular, Mr. Moore. Moore : Part of my Princeton training, you see. MEHITABEL : [Returning to the men] I feel just like a real city cook entertaining the policemen. Dunning: I always did envy policemen. MEHITABEL : Well, let me tell you, officers, I'm a very busy girl, and if you insist upon staying in the kitchen, I shall put you both to work. Moore : You know what a handy man I am, Mehitabel. Dunning: As an assistant cook, I yield the palm to no living mortal. Mehitabel : Then, Mr. Dunning, you may go to the ice box and bring ACT III 93 the materials for the salad to this table. I was about to get them when you came in and interrupted me. Tom, you may light a burner for me. Dunning: Ice box ? Ice box ? Mehitabel : There. Dunning: To be sure. Moore : \_At the range, match box in hancV] Have these gas stoves any cranky habits that a countryman ought to be warned about? Mehitabel : It won't bite you. [She crosses to cabinet to get the sauce pans.l Dunning : \_Who has been unable to identify the salad] Suppose I just bring you the ice box ? Mehitabel : The lettuce is pinned in a napkin. The sweetbreads and the dressing are in the two bowls beside it. Dunning: [Taking out the materials] So you're the salad! I never would have recognized you. [Moore has turned on one burner and is hold- ing a lighted match over another one. The whistling sound of escaping gas is heard.] 94 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Moore : I thought gas was more inflammable than this. MEHITABEL : You're holding the match over the wrong burner. Moore : You'll be accusing me of blowing it out next. [His luords are followed by a puff and a flash.'] Dunning : No, up. MEHITABEL : lApp7'oaching with sauce pans] For mercy's sake ! Be careful, Tom! Moore : Stay away, Mehitabel ! Don't come near this thing. It's going to explode. MEHITABEL : [Setting pans on stove] Nonsense! You don't under- stand it, that's all. Give me the matches. Moore: You're taking an awful chance. MEHITABEL : Not the slightest. [She lights a burner and as it puffs, Moore jumps toivard her.] Moore : Didn't I tell you? ACT III 95 Me HIT ABEL : It always does that, silly ! Dunning: Must be some hickory in that gas. [Mehitabel lights another burner, puts tivo of the pans in a sort of clovei^-leaf arrangeynent — one leaf of which remains vacant — on the first huryier, and a separate pan, containing hot ivater on the other one.'] Moore : [Watching her admiringly] Well, I'll be darned ! Mehitabel : No shirking, Mr. Dunning! That salad won't make itself , you know. Dunning : [Indicating the bowls] Do I pour these into the napkin? Mehitabel : The first thing you do is to wash your hands. Dunning : Great Scott ! Do they look as though they need it ? Mehitabel : We don't depend on looks in the kitchen. There is the hand towel. [Dunning goes obediently to the sink.] Moore : And be careful about your neck and ears. [While Dunning is dousing his hands under the 96 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL spigot, Mehitabel crosses to dining room door and pushes it open sufficiently to reach a tray with plates, tvhich have been in waiting on the serving table.'] Mehitabel : The only reason you aren't ordered to the sink, too, witty sir, is that I don't mean to trust you with any of the serious work of getting dinner. Dunning: I'll wash 'em again with scouring soap for that if you want me to. Mehitabel : You may proceed with the salad. [Drying his hands, Dunning goes to the table again, assuming the confident manner of one who is expert in such matters. The others are tuatching him in critical amuseynent.] Dunning: Don't look. We chefs don't like to give away the secrets of our trade indiscriminately. [He picks up the napkin and pricks his finger sharply on the pin. With a sibilant intake of breath, he sticks the wounded digit to his lips. Mehitabel shows concern immediately.'] Mehitabel : Oh ! I'm so sorry? Did it make the blood come? [Dunning looks at Mehitabel, then at the fiyiger, then at Mehitabel again.] ACT III 97 Dunning: I'm afraid not. [Quickly resuming his light manner, he pro- ceeds to loosen the napkin.] Dunning: Now we pass on to the next demonstration. [Fumbles ivith the pin.] What have we in this spotless, embroid- ered, hemstitched napkin? Patience, friends! I can't tell you until I find out myself. [G7'asps the end of the pin at last and throius it viciously at the sink.] Ah! [Spreads out the napkin.] Lettuce! [Enter Tomkins unobserved. Dunning has his back to him. Mehitabel is fairly devouring Dunning ivith her eyes and Moore, too, is ab- sorbed in the farce.] Dunning: Fine, crisp, dewy lettuce, fresh from the sun-kissed fields of — of — the hothouses. In the bowl to our right — follow me closely, please — in the bowl to our right — [Tomkins quietly joins the circle and the mock lecture comes to an abrupt end.] Dunning : Welcome to our cooking school, Mr. Tomkins. Mehitabel : Oh, Uncle Henry, Mr. Dunning was just making the loveliest salad ! [She observes Tomkins and Moore look- ing at each other curiously.] This is Mr. Thomas Moore, of Two Comers, Uncle Henry. You have heard me speak of him. 98 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: [Shaking hands luarmly] I know all about the Moores. Our families were great friends. [Mehitabel takes up the salad ivhere Dunning left off, Dunning hovering about her the while. They carry the completed work to the dining room, 'Wash and replace the howls, throtu the scraps of lettuce in the garbage bucket and are as busy as tivo bees.l Moore : [To Tomkinsl Both the Tomkinses and the Moores are traditions at Two Corners. [Enter Burbeck.'\ Tom KINS : Mehitabel tells me that the old Tomkins farm is now owned by a low-down — Mehitabel : Now, Uncle Henry! I didn't say that. Tomkins: You know what I mean? Moore : I know. We Scotch-Irish have no use for the Pennsyl- vania Dutch, because they have thrived on our failures. Tomkins: Something in that, too. Is the old place considered a good farm yet? Moore : With the proper care there wouldn't be a better one in the Cumberland Valley. ACT III 99 TOMKINS: Dutchman want to sell it? Moore : I think not. TOMKINS: Humph! [Observes his son.] Hello, Bill! I hardly knew you with all your buttons on. BURBECK : Ward McAllister didn't have a whole lot on me, did he? Moore : [Taking up his hat and coaf] Having seen this dinner past the critical stage, I can now leave it with a clear con- science. Mehitabel : Why Ton! BURBECK : You're not going now? TOMKINS : [Taking Moore's hat and coat away from him] I'd like to see a Moore leave my house before dinner. Bill, put these on the hat rack . [He hands the coat and hat to Burbeck as the bell rings.] Burbeck : The mail man, I guess. It's about his time. [Exit Burbeck.] 100 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: [Taking Moore's arm} You and I will go in and talk farming. We'll leave Dunning here to gather local color, as he calls it. [Stage whisper to Moore] He writes. But he can afford it. [Exit Tomkins and Moore.] MEHITABEL : Now perhaps you would like to do some of the real cook- ing. Can you make a roux ? Dunning: A roux? How do you spell it? MEHITABEL : R, o, u, X. Dunning: No-o, I don't think I make my roux like that. MEHITABEL : You're a rank pretender. Observe ! [Having put into their proper places in the cabinet all the washed bowls except one, she now holds that one under the flour sifter and turns the crank. Taking a measuring cup and a tablespoon, she goes to the ice box, gets a spoonful of butter and mixes it thoroughly with the flour.'] MEHITABEL: This is a roux. Dunning: I know now ! • You're going to make a cake. ACT in 101 Mehitabel : I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's only a cream dress- ing for the potatoes. \_She measures out and mixes the required amount of milk.] Dunning: To think that I used to sympathize with the women who despise housework! I thought anything like this was mean, low, debasing. Mehitabel : [Crossing to cabinet with dressing] Only to those who make it so. Now for the cereal. [She wipes out the measuring cup and fills it from a box.] Dunning : Cereal! For dinner? Mehitabel : For breakfast. Dunning : Are we cooking to-morrow's breakfast, too. Mehitabel : Part of it. The housekeeper who doesn't get ahead of her work falls behind it. You may have observed that the greater part of this dinner was prepared in ad- vance ? [She crosses to stove, takes the potatoes, drains them at the sink, puts on the cream dressing and returns them to the burner.] 102 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning : That's so. It's wonderful how easy things are for you. MEHITABEL : That's my science. Dunning : And it's better than any art. It's the one accomplish- ment no woman can afford to be without. MEHITABEL : [Going to the stove with the cereal and a spooTi] Be careful, sir! A novelist should not be too prosaic in his views. You are in danger of losing your romance. Dunning : [Drawing near her and speaking earyiestlyl I wish I could. [His tone and manner disturb Mehitabel.] Dunning: I see now why you have held me at arm's length all these months. I didn't know until to-day that there was — anyone else. MEHITABEL : [Thrusting a spoon into his hands'] Stir, please, while I pour. Dunning: [Stirring and stopping] For a while, I was idiot enough to think — MEHITABEL : Stir! ACT III 103 Dunning: [Stirring] I thought you were distant to me on Dorothy's account. Me HIT ABEL : Isn't that reason enough? Dunning: No! You can't expect me to marry a girl I don't love just because she happens to be your cousin ! Mehitabel : [Shocked'] Mr. Dunning! Dunning : I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to speak that way. You have my good wishes, Miss Lane. He is evidently a fine man. Mehitabel : Oh, stir, stir! Won't you please stir? [Dunning obeys with such vehemence that the cereal slops over. It strikes the flames ivith a hiss and envelopes them in a cloud of steam, as Tomkins bursts in with a letter in his hand. He pauses, thinking there has been an accident.] Tomkins : What's happened? Mehitabel : Mr. Dunning is getting up steam for a new novel. Tomkins: [Gloomily] See here ! A letter from Dorothy. Mehitabel : No bad news, I hope Uncle Henry ? 104 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: Bad news! Good Lord, child! What made you think it was bad news ? They're coming home. [Dunning turns aside to hide a smile.'] MEHITABEL : Oh! [She goes on ivith her work, putting back the cup and spoon, after washing them and the boivl used for the potato dressing; preparing a can of peas and putting them in the third compart- ment of the clover-leaf iitensil; getting the coffee machine ready for the table, bringing a tray from the dining room — on the move every instarit.] TOMKINS : They say that Italy on eighteen hundred a year is like keeping a banana stand. Dunning: When are they coming? TOMKINS: They sail a week from next Thursday. MEHITABEL : I suppose I'd better be breaking in a maid for Aunt Martha. TOMKINS: Yes, break her to drive with a high check rein and no lines. MEHITABEL : Uncle Henry ! ACT III 105 TOMKINS: [Smiting the table ivith his fist] Dunning, I'm just be- ginning to wake up. Dunning : You didn't look exactly sleepy before. TOMKINS : I've got a plan. It's come to me like a flash. I had a home once when I was a boy — a real home. Mehitabel : You had a beautiful one in New York, too, Uncle Henry. TOMKINS : I had a beautiful imitation. This is the only home I have known in New York, and it has spoiled me for the other kind, Mehitabel. It's my own fault, understand. I'm no t blam.ing anybody else. I've been a fool, that's all, and I've made up my mind to begin right, now that I have the chance. Dunning : How do you propose to begin? TOMKINS : I'm going to transplant my wife and daughter to more wholesome surroundings. They believe I'm poor. They must never know that I'm rich. You hear? Burbeck mustn't know. Nobody must know that my fortune has come back — nobody but you two, who helped me to re- gain it. Dunning : How are you going to keep the others from finding it out? TOMKINS : I'm going to buy the old Tomkins homestead at Two 106 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Corners, no matter what it costs, and I'm going to make human beings of us all again, instead of battering rams to New York society. MEHITABEL : [Gleefully] Won't it be fine to have you at Two Corners? [Doubt fully] But will Aunt Martha and Dorothy like to live on a farm? TOMKINS: It'll be better than keeping a banana stand in Italy, won't it? [Enter Burbeck.] BURBECK : [Tragically'] Feed me, ere I perish, Mehitabel! MEHITABEL : I should think you had eaten enough pie to satisfy you for a while. BURBECK : That only excited me. When's dinner going to be ready ? MEHITABEL : When that clock points to six. BURBECK : [Wheedling] Say, Mehitabel! MEHITABEL : No more pie. BURBECK : I wasn't going to ask for pie. What are you going to have for dessert? ACT III 107 TOMKINS: [To Dunning, indicating Burbeck with a jerk of his thumb] Is it any wonder I'm poor? Burbeck : But, Dad, you're getting rich again, aren't you. TOMKINS: Never again! Burbeck : Haven't you even got enough to buy that auto ? [jPor answer, Tomkins turns .his trousers pockets inside out. Burbeck regards them in dismay, but his face brightens quickly.] Burbeck : Well, I don't care about the auto, if we can be real poor and unstylish and keep Mehitabel. Mehitabel : That's a beautiful compliment, Bill, but I wish you would go back and entertain Mr, Moore. It isn't polite to for- get your guests. Burbeck : Bless his heart! I didn't forget him. I was just on a still hunt for some cheering news to give him. Six o'clock, then, on your word and honor as a gentleman ? Mehitabel : On my word and honor as a domestic scientist. Burbeck : I got you. 108 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL [Exit Burbeck. Mehitabel takes the cereal from the stove to the fireless cooker. Dunning has been sober and preoccupied.^ ToMkins: [To Dunning] What's got into you all of a sudden ? You look as though you had a toothache. Dunning : My TEETH are all right. TOMKINS : What is it, then? Conscience, heart or liver? Mehitabel : It's probably the pangs of hunger. Uncle Henry, but the hand is almost at six. [She takes up the coffee machine and exits to dining room.] DUNNING : Mr. Tomkins, I love your niece. TOMKINS: Thunderation ! You must love the whole family? Dunning: You think I have been false to Dorothy, but there has been no word of love spoken between us. At one time I thought — we both may have thought — Tomkins : But you took it out in thinking? Dunning: Yes. ACT III 109 TOMKINS: If that's all that's bothering you, I'll step into the front room. [He moves toivard door, but Dunning detains him.'] Dunning : It's no use. She's in love with Moore. TOMKINS: Did she tell you that? Dunning : She had no occasion to tell me what was perfectly obvious. TOMKINS : Well, what do you want iiE to do ? Dunning : I want you to know why I am sailing for Europe next Saturday, TOMKINS : Just when we're going to slice the melon ? Dunning : I think it is best. TOMKINS : Come to think about it you are in a devil of a fix. Maybe you're right. I'll see that your slice is put on ice for you. [He grips Dunning' s hand.] You saved me, Donald, — You and Mehitabel— and I don't like to see either of you unhappy. n 110 THE SCIENCE OF ME HIT ABEL [Enter Mehitabel laughing, platter and vege- table dishes rn her hands. The two men sepa- rate. Mehitabel carries the dishes to the stove and puts them in the oven.l TOMKINS: Is there anything funny about us? Mehitabel : I was laughing at the foolishness of those two in there. Burbeck wanted to know why farmers always chew hay and Tom said they had to do it to test the crop. [She begins to serve the dinner.'] When we get you city greenhorns at Two Corners, Mr. Dunning, we shall cer- tainly have our revenge. Dunning: It's a shame to deprive you of even a portion of it. Miss Lane, but as for me, I'm afraid I shall not see Two Cor- ners. [Mehitabel pauses and looks at him in surprise. The laughter has gone from her face.] Dunning: I forgot to tell you that I sail for Europe Saturday morn- ing for an indefinite stay. [Tomkins has been watching his niece keenly and his expression shows that he divines the true state of affairs.] Tomkins : Can't we carry in some of those things for you Mehitabel? Mehitabel : If you will. ACT III 111 [The squabs, now beautifully broumed, are ar- ranged on the platter and Mehitabel throius the paper bag into the garbage can. As she turns her back, something very like a sob escapes her.] TOMKINS : [Picking up the platter] I'll take these. [The sound from Mehitabel catches his ear. He loinks sagely, but the expression of cun- niyig melts into one of sensuous gratification as the aroma from the birds strikes his nose. Exit Tomkins sniffing. Mehitabel returns to stove and turns out the potatoes, spinach and peas, shutting off the gas as she does so. Enter Burbeck with a rush.] BURBECK : Hurray ! Hurray ! The first birds of spring have come at last. Let me carry something. [He places all the remaining dishes on the tray, while Mehitabel, not entering into his mood, turns away, carrying the empty sauce pans to the sink.] Burbeck : Wish I knew how much room to save for dessert. [Gazing longingly toivard the ice box, Burbeck exits ivith tray.] Mehitabel : I'm sorry you're going away. Somehow I — I hadn't thought of not seeing you any more. 112 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning: Is it possible that I am mistaken? Mehitabel, are you engaged to Mr. Moore? [The girl realizes that if she says "no", Dun- ning ivill renew his suit and perhaps break doiun her resolution. On the other hand, her love for him and her natural regard for the truth cry out against the thought of lying to him, even ivith so noble a purpose in view. She answers after a struggle and tvithout looking at him.'] Mehitabel : Yes. [Dunning turns and exits. Involuntarily, Me- hitabel takes a step toicard him, arms out- .stretched. The laughter and conversation of the men is heard in the next room. Mehitabel stands dejected and forlorn, but only for an in- stant.'] Mehitabel : I won't love him ! [Crossing to the cabinet, she closes it and peers into the mirror on the door. She produces a book of powder papers, tears out a leaf and dabs her eyes and nose.] Mehitabel: I won't. [She removes her apron, surveys herself once more in the glass and exits.] [Curtain.] ACT IV 113 ACT IV Time: — Sunday afternoon of the follounng September. Scene: — Exterior vieiv of Tomkins' farm near Tivo Corners. The house, built of the irregu- lar Pennsylvania limestone, rears its full height across the entire right of stage. It is built all in a row, like the old Colonial inns, but the un- compromising lilies of the front have been soft- ened somewhat by a porch, hai-monious in style ivith the architecture of the house itself, but evidently much neiuer. Chaiy^s and a hammock give the porch a comfy appearance. The place has an air of prosperity, although the dollars of its owner have not been alloived to interfere ivith its old-time comfort and lack of preten- sions. Num^erous ivindoivs luith many panes in each sash look out over the lawn. There are ttvo entrances to the porch — the main entrance, a double door near center, and the kitchen en- trance, near front. Both are open save for the screen doors. There are screens in the open windows, too. The center of the stage is given up to the lawn and shi^ubbery. Flowers are groiving in front of the porch and a honeysuckle vine climbs over the pillar at back of main en- trance. At right front is an ornamental gate, set in the middle of a curving hedge ivhich loses itself at each end in lawn and luoods. The background to the picture is a beautiful Cum- berland Valley landscape, framed in the far dis- tance by the billoivy hills that are called South Mountain. Three picturesque clusters of farm buildings, apparently a quarter of a mile or so aivay across the gleaming creek and a "little red scTiool house" make up the essentials of the setting. The curtain rises on a clear stage. 114 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL hut the nasal voice of Sallie intoning "Throw Out the Life Line" , and a clatter of kitchen things issuing from the door of that apartment, indicate that the house is not deserted. Sallie interrupts her tune to come to the porch with some scraps of meat. Sallie : [Whistliiig'] H'ya, Midget! H'ya, Midget! H'ya H'ya! [A monstrous Great Dane comes hounding across the stage from an entrance at left back, giving voice to deep, bass barks. The girl overcome at sight and sound of him, throws down the meat and retires precipitately into the kitchen, bang- ing the screen door behind her.] Sallie : Don't you come near me, you Holstein calf ! [Enter Burbeck, following the dog. He is sum- merishly clad, ivith just enough departure from the strict styles of Riverside Drive to show that he is noiu divelling in a spot where civilization is free and easy. His apparel, hoiuever, is not clownish. He is simply a well-bred boy who is not on dress parade. Sallie' s fear of the Great Dane amuses him hugely. The new Midget is his pride and joy.] Burbeck : He wouldn't hurt a flee , Sallie. Sallie : If I was a flea, mebbe I'd be willin' to take a chance. ACT IV 115 BURBECK : [Fondling the dog] She's a calf herself, isn't she, Midget. [To Sallie] Miss Lane isn't in the house, is she? Sallie : You mean Mehitabel? [The peculiar' inflection that all native Cen- tral Pennsy Iranians give to the i7iterrogation, the voice rising in the middle of the sentence and falling half way doivn the scale at the end, is noticeable in all Sallie's questions. This, together with her familiarity with his pretty cousin, jars on Burbeck.] BURBECK : [Mimicing her inflection] No, I don't mean Mehitabel. I said Miss Lane. Sallie : I know you did. Seems funny to think of a boy callin' his own cousin "Miss". BURBECK : Well, has she come yet? Sallie : 'Deed if I know ! And what's more, I ain't got no time to stand here chatterin' with you, Verbeke Tomkins. I'm a Christian and a United Brethren if you ain't, and I always make it a point to go to church at least once on Sundays. BURBECK : That's right, Sallie. I'll go too when Dad gets the auto. 116 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL ^ Sallie : We don't call fathers out of their names at Two Corners. BURBECK : What do you call 'em? Sallie : We call 'em "pop". BURBECK : {Putting his hand to his head] Come away from here, Midget ! Pop ! Pop ! [Exit Barheck and dog, left hack.. Sallie shakes her head sadly and goes hack to her work, strik- ing up "Briyiging in the Sheaves". Enter Tom- kins, Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy, R. C. Tom- kins gazes out over the valley with evident de- light, filling his lungs repeatedly ivith the pure country air.] Mrs. Tomkins: [Taking a rocking chair and opening her Bible] We really ought to have driven in to church this morning. Tomkins: [Stretching himself out in the hammock] I would have, only I have been half expecting some one. Mrs. Tomkins: [So mild and subdued as to he quite unlike her formal self] You should have mentioned it, Henry. Unex- pected guests are very disconcerting to housekeepers. Tomkins: But I wasn't at all sure when he would come, or whether he would come at all. I merely asked him to run up at his convenience to taTlc over a little business. ACT IV 117 Dorothy : [Seated on step, idly leafing a magazine] Do you think the corn crop will buy us a motor car, Father? [Tomkins stifles a laugh.'] Dorothy : We really do need one here, with Carlisle six miles away over a road that is all hills. Tomkins : The fields look pretty good. I hope we can make it by November 1, Mrs. Tomkins: [Laying her Bible in her lap] Isn't it simply wonderful what comforts one can have in the country without money? In New York it was a constant scramble for cash. Here, Nature lays her wealth in our laps, working while we sleep. Tomkins: Not entirely, my dear. [Holds up one hand] Those blis- ters prove that she requires assistance. Mrs. Tomkins: Poor Henry ! Dorothy : But Father, you are no such slave here as you were in the city. You employ all the labor you need. When you get tired working in the field you can quit. You have shorter hours, more recreation — Tomkins : [Still gazing at his hands] More blisters. 118 THE SCIENCE OF ME HIT ABEL Dorothy : Oh, Mother is undoubtedly right. We are all better off poor in the country than we were rich in the city. TOMKINS: You wouldn't care to go back to New York, then? Dorothy : Not to live. Mrs. Tomkins: I'd love to go for a little shopping this fall. Dorothy : So would I, if we can afford it, but I have lost all desire to fight New York's battles and be tossed in its storms. There we were always striving for so much and getting so little. Here we are getting so much and striving for so little. There it was turmoil. Here it is calm. There it was hatred and envy. Here it is love and peace. Tomkins: It's worth more than millions to me to hear you talk like that, Dorothy. {Dorothy reaches up and gives his hand a squeeze.^ Mrs. Tomkins: But it is hard to accustom oneself to the ways of the people. Such barbarous English I never heard. Sallie : {Appearing at the kitchen door] Is Mister there? Mrs. Tomkins: Mister who, Sallie? I ACT IV 119 Sallie : Laws but you'uns is funny folks. There's only one mister in a house, ain't they? TOMKINS: And he's right here, Sallie. What is it? Sallie : Did you loss anything? [M?'s. Tomkins holds up her hands in ho7'ror at this scandalous treatment of a perfectly good iwrb. Dorothy laughs: silently.] Tomkins : Not that I'm aware of. Why ? Sallie : [Emerging from the door with a telegraph blank in her hand] Here's somethin' I found on the dinin' room floor. Looks like a telegraph. It says [reads] "Thought you had retired from business. Couldn't we talk better—" Tomkins: [Hastily rising to take the telegram] Yes, that's mine, Sallie. Don't bother about reading the rest of it. Sallie : [Returning to the kitchen] Oh, that ain't no trouble. [As she slams the door, she sings a bar or two of "I Can, I Will, I Do Believe", the song ending as abruptly as it begins in a rattle of dishes. Dor- othy has suddenly lost interest in the little comedy that is going on about her and is straining her ears for sweeter music. It is the attitude of the girl in the "Far Aivay" 120 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL picture. Someone in the distance is whistling "The Harp that Once on Tara's Walls".] TOMKINS: One trouble with Sallie's solos is that she never gets a chance to finish them. [He seats himself in the ham- mock again.'] Someday I'm going to give a concert and have her sing a whole piece through. Mrs. Tomkins: Better make her the last number so you can get away with the box office receipts before she appears, Tomkins : [Laughing iiproanously and slapping his knee]' By Jove, Martha, you're improving. You're acquiring a real sense of humor since you retired from society. You and I will be getting romantic again the first thing we know. Dorothy, did you hear your Mother's joke? [Dorothy does not hear him. He now observes her abstraction and silently calls his wife's at- tention to it. The whistling is clear and dis- tinct. Dorothy rises, luaves her hand and exits.] Tomkins: I suppose you've noticed that Dorothy is head over heels in love? Mrs. Tomkins: I have feared so. Tomkins: Feared? Why, he's a capital fellow. He's a gentle- man, has a college education and all the money he needs. What more do you want ? ACT IV 121 Mrs. Tomkins: What about Donald? Tomkins : You don't think he's in love with Dorothy, do you? Mrs. Tomkins: He was. Tomkins : Well, he isn't. Mrs. Tomkins: Do you know, Henry, I never could understand it. If he hadn't been so lovely to you, I would have thought it was our misfortune that made him change. Tomkins : We've changed a good deal, too. Mrs. Tomkins: That's true. Tomkins: And the same influence that changed us, changed him? Mrs. Tomkins: What do you mean? Tomkins: I mean Mehitabel. [All this is so new and astonishing to Mrs. Tomkins that she requires some time to com- prehend it.] Mrs. Tomkins: If that's the case, Mehitabel must have held out some 122 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL encouragement. It seems to me she didn't act quite fairly. TOMKINS: To herself. She refused him — on Dorothy's account. Mrs. Tomkins: I'm sorry I said that. Tomkins: You saw that telegram Sallie handed me? [Takes it out of his pocket and reads it over to himself.'] Mrs. Tomkins: Yes. Tomkins: It is from Dunning. Mrs. Tomkins: Is he the guest you were expecting? Tomkins : [Nodding affirmatively] He asked if we couldn't talk business better in New York. Evidently afraid to trust himself at Two Corners. I wired back: "Seriously in- disposed. Must see you here." Mrs. Tomkins: But what are you going to do if he does come? Tomkins: When you lead a horse to the water, Martha, he'll drink if he's thirsty without your doing anything. Mrs. Tomkins: Sh-h! ACT IV 123 [Enter Dorothy and Moore L. S.] Dorothy : That's very kind, Tom, but I'll never be a match for Mehitabel. Aunt Sarah herself says she has to take a back seat for her. Moore : But I tell you that devil's food you sent over yesterday couldn't be beat. TOMKINS: Hello there, neighbor. Do I understand my daughter has been practicing on you ? Moore : I'm a willing victim, Mr. Tomkins. Mrs. Tomkins: How do you do, Mr. Moore. I heard you whistling very prettily. I love that "Tara's Harp". Tomkins: [Indicating the house with a ivave of his hand] We've taken it down off the ancestral walls, eh, Tom ? Sallie : [At the kitchen door] Hello, Tom! Moore : How are you, Sallie ? Sallie : I'm REAL well, thank you. [She turns away singing, "There's a land that 124 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL is fairer- than this." The pained look comes into Mrs. Tomkins' face again.'] Moore : Our country manners still puzzle you, I see. Mrs. Tomkins: Our country servant does. Moore : My dear, Mrs. Tomkins, don't let her hear you call her that, or she will fold her tent like the Arab. Mrs. Tomkins: What am I to call her? Moore : "Help", "hired girl" — anything but that despised name "servant". You see, there is neither servility nor servi- tude in the country. We are merely assisting one an- other to assist Nature. Mrs. Tomkins: [Dubiously] It's a pretty thought. Moore : [Reassuringly] You'll come to like it better than the plan in the big cities, where humanity is labeled and price marked like canned goods in a grocery — sardines, five cents; salmon, eighteen cents; best quality lobster, sixty-five cents. Tomkins: And where the height of everybody's ambition is to be a lobster. % ACT IV 125 Dorothy : {Attracted by a commotion off to the left] What's the matter with Bill ? [Shouts and barking in the distance.] Moore : Is he calling me? BURBECK'S VOICE : Tom ! Oh, Tom ! Moore : Hello! [Enter Burbeck and Midget in great excite- ment. Burbeck has a tomato can in one hand and is diving into his pockets ivith the other one.] Burbeck : Come on down to the creek quick ! There's a carp under the footbridge as big as my leg. Moore : Maybe it's a walrus. Burbeck : Fen dubs on the kidding now ! [He produces a tangled mass that looks like a hook and line.] Dorothy : What have you in that tin can, Bill? 126 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL BURBECK : Worms. \_He hauls out a big one.] They're choice, too. Have one on me! Dorothy : Ugh! Tom kins: You know it's against the law to fish on Sunday ? BURBECK : Oh, I wouldn't think of fishing on Sunday. I'm just going to feed him. TOMKINS: You'll never make a farmer. You're cut out for a corpo- ration lawyer. BURBECK : [Tugging at Moore's arm] Aw, come on, Tom! MooRE : All right. Dorothy and I will both go and have a look at your fish, but, understand, I will not be a party to break- ing a State law. BURBECK : Why, that law's just as safe with me as it would be with its own mother. Get a move on. Sis. Can't you run a little? Dorothy : Go ahead. [Enter Sallie, R. C, dressed to go out. Exit Burbeck and the dog, Moore and Dorothy fol- lowing, the latter tivo laughing and all on the ' ACT IV 127 Sallie : Ain't them pretty stockings of Dorothy's? Will you look after the fire, Missus ? I can't get used to that hard coal someway. We alius use wood at home. TOMKINS : Going to Sunday school, Sallie? Sallie : Yes sir. Mrs. Tom kins: Do you think you can be back by five o'clock? Sallie : It'll puzzle me some. Mrs. Tomkins: That means you will try ? Sallie : Yes ma'am. [The far off notes of an unmelodious bell are heard.'] Sallie : There goes the first bell. I'll have to walk right smart. Goodbye. Mrs. Tomkins: Goodbye. Tomkins: Goodbye, Sallie. Sing hearty. Sallie : Yes sir. 128 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL [Exit Sallie through gate.] Mrs. Tomkins: [Rising] I must go look at that fire. Tomkins: You don't find housekeeping in the country such great slavery, do you ? Mrs. Tomkins: It's getting easier all the time. At first it was a little hard, but Mehitabel and Sarah have been so helpful. Tomkins: Just take it easy and whenever you want to go to New York on a shopping expedition let me know and I'll squeeze it out of the farm somehow. Mrs. Tomkins: [Huskily] You are so good to us in our poverty, Henry, it almost makes me cry. Tomkins : [Rising hastily and patting her shoulder] There's nothing to cry about. We're all as happy as bees in a clover field. You run along now and get your beauty sleep. Mustn't forget them you know just because I'm the only man around to look at you. [Mrs. Tomkins seems quite moved. She gazes at him fondly, kisses him suddenly and exits through the kitchen door, leaving the husband paralyzed with astomshme?it. Sounds of coal rattling in a bucket and then silence. Tomkins looking ivell pleased with himself and the tvorld, descends to the lawn, examines the flowers along the porch and takes a few turns in front of it. A horse's hoofs are heard and the animal, ACT IV 129 draiving a mud-splashed, dilapidated piano box buggy, is pulled up at the gate. Dunning leaps out and TomJdns rushes to meet him. The driver who has brought Dunning, a rustic answering to the name of Jerry, does not leave his seat.] TOMKINS : Hello, there, Donald my boy! I'm just tickled all to pieces to see you. Dunning : Same here, Mr. Tomkins. [They shake hands.] You're looking almost as young as Burbeck. Tomkins : Bosh! You must take me for a female. Here, Jerry, give me that. [He takes Dunning's bog.] Dunning : [Handing half a dollar to Jerry] There you are, my man. Jerry : [Chuckling] "My man!" He says "my man", Henry. He must be a duke or a prince. I heard a feller on the stage say that once. Tomkins: [Whispering] He's just over from England. Jerry : I thought so. [To Dunning as he examines the coin] Ain't ye got nothin' smaller? 130 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Dunning: [Fumbling for more] I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to underpay you. [He holds out a dollar bill, which Jerry stares at stupidly but makes no move to take.] Jerry : Gosh hang it, man, didn't I tell ye it was only two bits ? Dunning: [Laughing as he 2)ockets the dollar] Oh, well, if that's all, never mind the change. Jerry : [Sternly] Say, young feller, did you ever hear that old sayin' about a fool and his money ? Henry, can you bust a half dollar? TOMKINS: I'll see. [Produces a handful of small change] Yes, here you are. [Jerry hands Tomkins the larger coin and takes the smaller ones, ivhich he cou7its over care- fully.] Jerry : [To Dunning] Here, young man ! [Dunning approaches and in obedience to a ^notion from the driver holds out his right hand.] Jerry : Twenty-five — that was what ye owed me, — twenty-five cents ? ACT IV 131 Dunning : Correct. Jerry : [Dropping the coins one at a time'] Twenty-five and ten is thirty-five and five is forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. See if that's right. Dunning : To the penny. Jerry : [Gathering up the reifis] How's the world iisin' you, Henry ? TOMKINS : Handsomely, Jerry! Handsomely! Jerry : Seems good to have you back in the old Cumberland Valley again. Clucks to his horse. Goodbye. Git up there, Doll. TOMKINS: Goodbye, Jerry. Dunning : I'm very much obliged for that lesson in finance. I mean to profit by it. Jerry : [Calling back] That's the way to talk. I knowed you was a good sort. [Exit Jerry.] Dunning : An old friend, evidently? 132 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: V/e went to school together in that little red school house. [A bell rings.'] TOMKINS: That's the bell. They are having Sunday school there now. It's the same bell that called Jerry and me "to books", as they say here, when we were so high. Dunning : And this is your own ancestral mansion? TOMKINS : The place where I was born and my father was born and my father's father. It was pretty badly tumbled down when I bought it for twice what it was worth, but it's beginning to look pretty good again, don't you think so? Dunning : Great! Gad, what a view! How far does your farm run? TOMKINS: To the creek. That place off there to the right belongs to my sister Sarah's husband. \Dumii7ig becomes interested immediately. He gazes in silence at the home of Mehitabel.] Dunning: It looks just like her! TOMKINS: You never met Sarah, did you ? ACT IV 133 Dunning : Let me take that bag. I didn't notice that you were holding it all this time. TOMKINS: [Pushing him away] Never mind, now! You fall into that easy chair on the porch and I'll put the bag inside the door. Dunning: [Doing as he is bidl This is certainly immense! If it were within corn-mutation distance of New York wouldn't it be worth a mint? TOMKINS: [Tossing the bag into the hall and taking a chair near] Dunning'] Not to me. No Forty-five Minutes from Broadway in mine, thank you. Dunning: Of course, a man with a fortune like yours can make himself comfortable almost anywhere. TOMKINS : Sh-h ! I'm a poor man. Dunning: Poor? With $3,000,000? Tomkins : Don't talk so loud. They don't know it. They think Nature's giving it to me. Dunning : Do you mean to say that you've kept up the bluff all this time? 134 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS : Yes, and they're happier than they've ever been in their lives before. Dunning: But they can see that you're spending money here — lots of it. TOMKINS: They think the farm gives it to us. You see, living off there in New York ,they didn't know a farm from a gold mine. They thank our dairy for their daily bread. They are grateful to the pigs for their clothing. We have hopes that the corn crop will buy us an automobile next month. [He laughs quietly, Dunning joining in.'] TOMKINS: They're mighty appreciative of what Nature gives them, too. They don't take so much for granted with Nature as they did with me. Dunning : Don't they ever get homesick for the city? TOMKINS: Occasionally, but I'll encourage an occasional visit. It's that infernal society business, that everlasting social Pil- grim's Progress that I can't stand for. Dunning: It's a game that sooner or later sours every player. Tomkins: You've improved since "The Girl of the Golf Links". ACT IV 135 Dunning: Miss Lane's science has opened the eyes of more than one of us, Mr. Tomkins. But tell me, what is the business you wanted to talk over. Tomkins : Oh — a — well, you see, we — we never talk business at Two Corners on Sunday. The neighbors wouldn't like it. [He half rises to squint across the lawn as though trying to make out the identity of some one. Seemingly satisfied, he resumes his seat.l Dunning : But I must catch the night train back to New York. Tomkins: You'll do no such thing. You'll stay here at least a week. Dunning : Very kind of you to ask me, but I simply must get away to-night. Tomkins: Of course, if you must, you must. Excuse me a moment, will you, Donald? Dunning : To be sure. [He sees Moore and Dorothy approaching. '\ Isn't that Dorothy? Tomkins : Yes, you haven't seen her since she got back from Europe, have you? Dunning : [Who has risen as though wishing to avoid the inter- vieiv'] No. 136 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL TOMKINS: [Pushing him back into the chair} Well, you sit right there behind that vine and surprise them. That's Moore with her. They didn't know I was expecting you. Now mind! Don't say anything until they walk in on you. I'll be back shortly. [Exit Tomkins, R. C. Ente7' Dorothy and Moore, L. B. The young people are very close together and wholly oblivious to everything ex- cept their own poiverful attraction for each other.'] Dorothy : You swear to me that you have never loved anyone else? Moore : I swear. Dorothy : Not even Mehitabel? Moore : Oh, of course, everybody loves Mehitabel. I proposed to her something like twenty-five times before I was sixteen. After that I got discouraged and decided I would be a brother to her. Dorothy : You're sure you haven't proposed to her since you were sixteen ? Moore : I might have been sixteen and a half the last time. Any- way, it was a long while ago. [They have paused close to the vine. Dunning, ACT IV 137 on the other side of it, looks first surprised, then pleased, then_ embarassed.^ Dorothy : How could she have resisted you, Tom? Moore : Have you never suspected that Mehitabel's affections were not at Two Corners? Dorothy : What do you mean? Moore : I feel sure she is in love with the man to whom I thought you were engaged. Dorothy : Donald? Moore : Yes, I want to ask you something, Dorothy. Did you love that man ? Dorothy : At one time I thought I did and he may have thought he was in love with me. Now that you mention it, it was Mehitabel who showed us both that we were on the wrong track. Moore : You were not engaged ? Dorothy : No. And I never felt toward him or toward any other man as I feel toward you, Tom. 138 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL Moore : Dorothy [They are on the point of flying into each other's arms as Dunning begins to cough violently.] Dunning: [Emerging from behind the vine] There is nothing for it but to fess up, shower you with congratulations and beg you to help me get even with your rogue of a father. He inveigled me into hiding behind that vine. Dorothy : [ShaJcing hands wannlyl ^'ni awfully glad to see you, Donald, and it doesn't matter if you have gotten into our secret a little prematurely. Moore : I hope you will congratulate me, Mr. Dunning ? Dunning: [Fairly bubbling as he wrings Moore's hand] Well, I should say I do ! Dorothy : [Laughing] You are too eager to be complimentary. Dunning : Mr. Moore Icnows I appreciate my loss as much as any- body could and that I am only rejoicing in the evident happiness of both of you. Moore : Gracefully said, Mr. Dunning! You will make Two Corners a real visit I hope? ACT IV 139 Dunning: Oh, I'll probably be here for a month or two. Is that your place over there, Mr. Moore? [He points to the farm buildings in the middle.} Moore : No, that's mine at the left. Dunning : [Pointing again to the one in the center-] Whose is that? Moore : It's known as the Stuart place. The old Scotch-Irish family that owned it has gone to sticks and the farm is to be put up at public sale next week. [Dunning nods significantly, as much as to say : "I'll be there."] BuRBECK's voice : I got him ! I got him ! [Enter Burbeck holding out a big fish. He spies Donald and shakes hands ivith him.] Burbeck : My soul and breeches ! V/here did you come from ? Dunning : Jerry hauled me over from somewhere. I'm not quite sure where. Something of a catch, that, Bill. Dorothy : Didn't Father tell you it was against the law to fish on Sunday? Burbeck : I wasn't fishing exactly. I was trying to feed him worms 140 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL when he bit the hook by mistake and before I could get it out he died of asphyxiation. Moore : Where's your dog, Bill? BURBECK : [Whistling] Where is he? [Whistles again.] Dorothy : Our new Midget, Donald. BURBECK : I know where he is. Re's gone over to call on Mehitabel. He does that every day that she doesn't come to see us. Come on in and help me lay out the corpse, won't you, Sis? Dorothy : I don't know much about undertaking for a fish. Moore : We might all go in and have another lesson in Mehitabel's science. [They move toivard kitchen doo?'.] These obsequies are very simple. You fill a pan with water and put the fish in it. Dorothy : And then wait for Sallie. [Exit Moore and Burbeck, R. F. Dunning pauses at the poi'ch steps.] Dunning : I think I'll take a stroll around the grounds, Dorothy. Will you please tell your father I'll be back in an hour or two? ACT IV 141 Dorothy : There are only 135 acres in the farm. Dunning : I might take in some of the surrounding country, too? Riding all day has made me dreadfully nervous. Dorothy : [Laughing at himi Very well, I'll tell Father. We have supper — supper mind you — not dinner, — at five thirty. [Exit Dorothy. No sooner has she disappeared than Dunning bolts for the gate. Enter Mehita- bel, accompanied by the Great Dane. They almost collide and stand spellbound for a few seconds, gazing into each other's eyes.] Mehitabel : [Putting out her hand] So you have come to Two Cor- ners, after all ? Dunning: I have come for you, Mehitabel. [Mehitabel takes away the hand that he has retained.] Dunning : Dorothy and Moore have just confided to me that they are engaged to be married. Mehitabel : They told you that? Dunning : Yes, and they told me that you were never engaged to Tom Moore in your life. Why did you tell me that story, Mehitabel? You needn't answer me, dear. I know why. There is one apology I will accept— only one. 142 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL [She turns to find him standing with arms out- stretched.'] Dunning : Well? [With a cry, she runs into his arms. Presently, he leads her down the lawn.] Dunning : I want to show you our new home. There [pointing to the Stuart place] will that suit you? [Mehitabel's expression as she cuddles closer to him is a ivordless ansiver that seems to satisfy him. They are in this attitude, gazing out over the valley together, when Tomkins enters, R. C, a cigar in his mouth and another in his hand which he holds out to the chair where Dunning had been sitting.] Tomkins : Try this, Don— [He discovers that the chair is empty, looks around quickly and espies Dunning and Mehita- bel. Chuckling, he returns the cigar to his pocket, bites off the end of his own cigar, turns his back on the pair, strikes a match noisily against a pillar of the porch and lights up. The crackling match apprises Dunning and Mehita- bel of his presence. Guiltily, happily, hand in hand, they approach the beamingly unconscious Tomkins, who is bloiving out great clouds of smoke.] [Curtain.] MAY 4 1912 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS illli;: i 11 i m I m 017 373 259 4 f