lii^j^tKi^a;'??; 
 
FOUR CENTURIES AFTER 
 
 OR 
 
 How I Discovered Europe 
 
 BY 
 
 BEN HOLT 
 
 T7v / 
 
 NEW YORK 
 1893 
 
Itb* mbrary 
 
 lor CONGRESS 
 WASHlNOrON 
 
 Copyright, 1893, by 
 BEN HOLT 
 
 Press of J. J. Little & Co. 
 Astor Place, New York 
 
THIS VOLUME IS 
 
 AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED 
 
 TO HANK AND THE OTHER " BOYS " 
 
 WITH WHOM THE AUTHOR USED TO EXPLORE 
 
 THE NEIGHBORING ORCHARDS AND 
 
 MELON PATCHES 
 
Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive 
 in 2011 witii funding from 
 Tine Library of Congress 
 
 littp://www.arcliive.org/details/fourcenturiesaftOOIiolt 
 
PREFACE 
 
 Alas ! Bacon is dead, and is thus unfitted to 
 defend himself against his constantly accumulating 
 fame. A feeling of justice toward a man thus 
 handicapped led me to adopt a style in this volume 
 unlike that which we find in his (Bacon's) classical 
 writings, put forth over the pseudonym of " Billy 
 Shakespeare," and his other justly famous works, 
 entitled ** Robinson Crusoe," "Pilgrim's Progress," 
 " The Holy War," etc. Notwithstanding the care I 
 have exercised in ferreting out a unique style, 
 I still feel apprehensive that some retrospective 
 critic may sit down, on perusing this book, and 
 write a much thicker one in which he will set forth 
 proof that this is but another piece of Bacon's 
 handiwork. The man who would make such an 
 attempt— who would attribute this work to Bacon 
 — would deserve to meet the fate with which 
 Shakespeare threatened the person who should 
 have the temerity to molest his bones ; and I 
 would respectfully and modestly, yet energetically, 
 meet such an attempt to place this last straw on 
 the back of Bacon's fame with a positive denial 
 in the morning papers, though by so doing I 
 should be accused of attempting to boom the sale 
 
vi Preface 
 
 of my book. No other motive than that springing 
 from a desire to shield Bacon's fame could have 
 induced me to adopt such an outrageously unique 
 style — in mixing pathetic attempts at pathos with 
 humor more than a yard wide ; stubborn facts 
 with fanciful metaphysics ; and somewhat inco- 
 herent dreams with serious observations on the 
 apparent irregularity of the sun's movements. No 
 other motive could have induced me to abandon a 
 classical style — a style that would have caused 
 Bacon to decline several points in the market 
 quotations. This is my plea ! 
 
 At first I thought of announcing : " I am a 
 genius ! I have disguised the fact as long as I 
 can ; I now plead guilty, and trust to the clemency 
 of the generous and forbearing world ! " But I 
 am not quite sure of my identity — my knowledge 
 of zoology being meagre, I am not positive that I 
 could identify a genius ; so I will defer such a bold 
 announcement. 
 
 Now that I have the floor, and the public's ear 
 (which ear, by the way, I agree not to convert into 
 a purse), I will further anticipate. 
 
 Some purchasers of this book will complain that 
 it is too thin for the money. To those I would 
 say : I have taken great pains not to build my 
 book too big for the idea it contains ; and I trust 
 that the reader will appreciate the resulting nice 
 proportions. It will be easily understood that an 
 idea contained indefinitely somewhere in a book 
 twice the thickness of this volume would not be 
 easily accessible ; and in searching for it (the 
 
Preface vii 
 
 idea) the reader might become discouraged, lay the 
 book aside, and thus fail to reap the benefit of its 
 teachings. I have a large stock of words, idle words, 
 which I could have inserted, and thus have made 
 my book as thick and formidable as those of my 
 contemporaries ; but, for reasons offered above, I 
 have excluded all desiccated leaves, confining my 
 " say " within the narrow limits of these boards. 
 
 As to the charge of writing a work on 
 " Travel," although the true nature of the book 
 is somewhat disguised by its title, I suppose I 
 should plead guilty to the charge — at least, my 
 attorney advises me to do so, adding that, if 
 conviction follows, I will not be sent up for so 
 long a time. He is doubtless trying to frighten 
 me. I tell him that a crime so universal as that 
 of writing a book on travel can have no penalty 
 attached, as, if an attempt were made to convict 
 all guilty of the offence, there would be no one 
 left to execute the penalty : that you might as 
 well attach a penalty to the act of breathing. 
 
 I wish to say that I have thoroughly edited 
 this book. So much hastily constructed work has 
 been hurled upon the market of late, publishers 
 have resorted to the device of announcing that, 
 " This book has passed through ' steen editions '! " 
 — implying that, " Now its diction and style are 
 somewhat sobered down — its wild and wayward 
 expressions have been ' cosseted ' to a degree 
 suiting the approved style, or formula, of its pub- 
 lishers. Careful public! you are safe to be seen 
 reading this book at your fireside, or in public. 
 
viii Preface 
 
 Buy a copy ! " I believe in being the author of 
 my book (not leaving it to my publishers), so 
 that, should the offence entail immortality, I will 
 have myself to blame. This is generous, as it 
 relieves my publishers of a great responsibility. 
 
 Trusting that this book may beckon the reader 
 upward to a higher plane of intellectual life, or, 
 exercising its force from the opposite direction, 
 serve as a goad to drive him upward, I — the 
 " Author," the " Offender " — subscribe myself, 
 Faithfully yours, 
 
 BEN HOLT. 
 
FOUR CENTURIES AFTER 
 
 OR 
 
 How I Discovered Europe 
 PART I 
 
 THE SPIRIT OF Discov- The approEch of our great 
 ^^^' National event, the four hun- 
 
 dredth anniversary of the so-called discovery of 
 America, has called to mind the prospect of our 
 running out of material wherewith we may satisfy 
 the spirit of discovery. This spirit of discovery 
 is inborn. It is exercised early in life in locating 
 the neighboring fruit orchard. Later in life, we 
 start out to discover to the expectant world the 
 frailties of our neighbors, although we may pre- 
 tend we are in search of virtue or a westerly pas- 
 sage to the spicy fragrance of the Cathayan shore. 
 According to the lexicogra- 
 
 WE ARE RUNNING ° _ ° 
 
 OUT OF ORIGINAL Dis- phcrs' dcfinitionof "discovery," 
 covERY MATERIAL, ^j^g uudlsco vcred, the unknown 
 parts of this earth's surface, would seem to be nar- 
 rowed down to a very insignificant area. And do 
 we not know enough of the undiscovered patches 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 to be led to believe that a further knowledge 
 of them would add very little to the comforts of 
 man, although it might give a name and a touch 
 of color here and there on our atlas ? 
 
 Yes : it would seem that we are 
 
 HOW ARE WE TO SAT- 
 
 isFY THE SPIRIT OF thc samc as out of original discov- 
 DiscovERY? gj.y material, although the spirit 
 
 of discovery is still abroad, seeking whom it 
 may mesmerize. Here is a want ; and, assuming 
 that every rational want should be provided with 
 the wholesome means of its gratification, how 
 are we to satisfy this spirit of discovery ? This 
 is a burning question — I might characterize it 
 as a scorcher. Nights, while restlessly turning 
 on my pillow, I have frugally utilized the per- 
 formance in turning this question over in my 
 mind ; I believe I have studied its every aspect, 
 and am well prepared to offer a rational reply to 
 this perplexing question. 
 
 THE GAME CALLED Havc not thc attcmpts in the 
 
 "hide-and-go-seek." line of discovery during the last 
 century been very like the game called " hide- 
 and-go-seek " ? An expedition, made up of men 
 of large imagination, starts out for the North 
 Pole, or '* Darkest Africa ; " at the expiration of 
 a certain length of time they cry " Coop ! " — or 
 their friends at home imagine they hear such a 
 call ; then another expedition is made up to go in 
 quest of those in hiding — " to go to their relief." 
 A thorough search discloses expedition No. i ; if 
 in the Arctic regions, they should be detected in 
 the act of eating their moccasins, possibly devour- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 ing one another; if in the wilds of "Darkest 
 Africa," they are apparently well satisfied to re- 
 main "lost." This method of satisfying the spirit 
 of discovery, and forcing our name on the atten- 
 tion of the excitable world, like bridge-jumping, 
 is too hazardous — I can't approve of it. Up to 
 date, the means whereby we may leave this sphere 
 and go soaring to a fellow-planet on a voyage of 
 discovery hasn't been devised (save through such 
 airy flights of the imagination as Jules Verne in- 
 dulges in), so we will have to reconcile our opera- 
 tions to this earth. 
 
 "But where are we to operate?" cry the im- 
 patient ones, who seek fame rather than the un- 
 known plots of earth. 
 
 After carefully weighing the 
 
 WE WILL HAVE TO ^ O & 
 
 ALTERNATE IN Discov- mattcr, I am forced to this con- 
 ERiNG EACH OTHER, ^lusion— wc will havc to alter- 
 nate in discovering each other. Much good will 
 come from our discovering each other occa- 
 sionally, and forcing our notion of what con- 
 stitutes civilization. Such a course will excite 
 healthy emulation, without which stimulant the 
 natives of their respective countries would degen- 
 erate — dwindle, as Darwin would put it— into a 
 very low order of beings. 
 
 I have often wondered why 
 
 WHY NOT GO TO EU- -' 
 
 ROPE TO MAKE SOME somc cntcrprising American has 
 DISCOVERY? j^Q^ gQ^g ^Q Europe to make 
 
 some discovery — not discover all of Europe, and 
 reduce her numerous tribes to the present condi- 
 tion of the aborigines of America ; it may be that 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 THE SO-CALLED DIS- 
 COVERY OF AMERICA, 
 
 Europe deserves such treatment, but no sensible 
 American would care for so vast an undertaking : 
 you can't exterminate a race, according to the 
 approved formula, within a few years — and I 
 observe that while this generation may feel 
 kindly disposed toward posterity, it takes good 
 care that its own wants are not slighted to better 
 the conditions of a future generation. 
 THE RIGHT OF Dis- You may say that we Ameri- 
 
 covERY. cans have no right to discover 
 
 Europe, or any part of Europe. / hold that the 
 right of discovery belongs to that people having the 
 greatest amount of conceit. 
 
 Take, for example, the so-called 
 discovery of America : geologists 
 have it that America was projected from out the 
 chaotic condition of things existing at the close 
 of the last great frigerating period, before it was 
 even determined whether there should be a Europe 
 or not ; yet, in after years, the inhabitants of 
 Europe, with their conceited notion of civiliza- 
 tion, started out to discover us. America was 
 here, and so were her people, who were quite 
 satisfied with their undiscovered and so-called 
 uncivilized condition. But they came to our 
 shore, and, placing their standard in our yielding 
 soil, they thus addressed the people, who hesitat- 
 ingly came to meet them : " Eureka ! You are 
 discovered, so don't try to conceal yourselves " — 
 (a quite unnecessary warning, as they had on 
 scarcely a stitch of clothing). "Listen! The 
 Almighty has seen fit to allow generation after 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 generation of your people to come and go — to 
 be born, to live a simple, free-and-easy Arcadian 
 life, unperplexed by the problems of the day, and 
 then, blissfully ignorant of the t?'ue future state of 
 man's existence, die and drop back into the soil 
 whence you came. Although you have been per- 
 mitted to thus come and go for countless ages, 
 2ve, the representatives of an advanced civiliza- 
 tion, have come to bring about a change ; you 
 must accept civilization, or take a back seat ! " 
 
 In passing, we may note that many promptly 
 accepted the vices of civilization, remarking that, 
 in some respects, they were far superior to those 
 with which they had been groping about ; that 
 the white man's vices showed a great deal of in- 
 genuity and were much more effective in their 
 action — in fact, seemed to be the very alkaloid of 
 the red man's vices. When invited to adopt the 
 white man's virtues, they behaved in a very stolid 
 manner ; and when urged for a reason, they 
 replied that they understood their own virtues 
 better than those the white man would introduce ; 
 and while the white man's virtues might answer 
 for a people enjoying a high state of civilization, 
 their application (if such a thing were possible) 
 would make the red man appear very awkward. 
 
 This bit of history is interesting in so far as it 
 goes to show that a people who seemed sadly in 
 need of the polishing and physically degenerating 
 results of civilization really demurred when the 
 Europeans sought to apply the regular course of 
 treatment. 
 
Fou}- Centuries After 
 
 A PEOPLE SHOULD NOT No ; WB should DOt Walt for the 
 INVITE DISCOVERY. pcoplc who wc bcHeve deserve to 
 be discovered and treated to our style of civiliza- 
 tion to give us the word ; you can't expect them 
 to invite discovery ; such a course would be con- 
 trary to the established code of ethics as applied 
 to " how, when, and where," to discover. Further- 
 more, it would be undignified and unnecessarily 
 humiliating for a people to invite discovery. It 
 would imply that such a people lacked confidence 
 in themselves — and we should encourage confi- 
 dence and self-esteem even in a Hottentot. 
 BECOME PROTEc- ^65, thc fflost tclling compli- 
 
 TORATE OVER IT— mcnt wc Can pay the Powers of 
 "PROTECTORATE." Europc— onc that would be like 
 holding a mirror up to them — would be for us to 
 go over there, stake out an indefinite slice of 
 the country, and become Protectorate over it — 
 "Protectorate." Should they remonstrate (as, of 
 course, they would), we could put in a plea that 
 we were acting in the interest of humanity ; that 
 we wished to prevent the internal strife which the 
 warlike attitude of the tribes of Europe con- 
 stantly encourages. Such a move might induce 
 said Powers to allow a portion of their standing 
 armies to sit down and rest its feet, or turn to the 
 plough. We can't accept the Malthusian hypothesis 
 as a plea for war and famine ; to claim that He 
 would bring more human beings into the world 
 than He could provide for, is a libel on the 
 Almighty's attributes. And has not the day come 
 when all fighting between the Powers can easily 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 be done through our Departments of State ? If 
 so, the Pen is truly mightier than the Sword — as 
 Beadle's Dime Speaker informed us long ago. 
 (But- as I look back upon this sheet I see that I 
 am digressing with my mighty pen — I often do 
 this ; I find it easier than to keep pegging away 
 right to the point.) 
 I SAW THAT I WAS Thus I reasoned, until my mind 
 
 DESTINED TO ACT AS became fired with the idea that 
 
 THE PIONEER IN THE 
 
 NEW SCHOOL OF Dis- the time was ripe for some Ameri- 
 covERY. can to retaliate — to invade Eu- 
 
 rope. "And who," I asked, " is better able to carry 
 out this noble project than the mind that con- 
 ceived it ? " I plainly saw that the finger of Des- 
 tiny was pointed at me as the chosen one to act 
 as the pioneer in the new school of discovery ; and 
 it thus came about that I resolved to surrender a 
 private life, all the comforts of a home, and a room 
 with a southern exposure, to become an Explorer. 
 And with me, a resolution once fixed, I adhere to 
 it with the tenacity of two surfaces that have been 
 united by Spaulding's glue. In taking this step I 
 realized that I was exposing my name to fame and 
 making it a shining mark for all subjects of 
 charity and cranks in general ; but I accepted all 
 without flinching. 
 
 II 
 
 WHAT PART OF 
 
 Having decided to invade Eu- 
 EUKOPE SHOULD I ropB, my next care was to deter- 
 
 " TACKLE "FIRST? ^j^^ ^j^^j. ^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ContlnCUt 
 
 to tackle first. Great explorers have always shown 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 a partiality for rivers — have seemed to take pleas- 
 ure in tracing a river to its source. I got out 
 my atlas and looked up the rivers of Europe ; I 
 found that, everything considered, the River Rhine 
 offered as promising a field of discovery as any ; 
 and, although the source of my information told 
 where the river had its rise, it did not inform me 
 that any one had discovered the source. It is 
 easier to fall into the habit of saying that a river 
 has its rise in some definite place than to go and 
 personally investigate the matter. How was I 
 to know that this noble river, with all its wealth 
 of romance, hadn't its rise in the vicinity of 
 some redolent Schweitzerkase manufactory ? The 
 thougth was horrifying ! I would investigate the 
 matter at once ! 
 
 RHINE GOLD AND PRE- Hi sclectiug thc Rhluc country 
 cious RHINE STONES, ^g ^j^g thcatrc of my first expedi- 
 tion, I chose that part of Europe reported to have 
 the greatest natural attractions for the discoverer. 
 Gold and precious stones have always been among 
 the greatest incentives to the spirit of discovery. 
 I had long heard of the Rhine gold and the pre- 
 cious Rhine stones, and I reasoned that if I could 
 quietly reach the field and stake out my claim I 
 should then have no difficulty in enlisting all 
 Americans in my enterprise — all but the few not 
 afflicted with avarice, and I could get them to go 
 over and confuse the natives with our super-mixed 
 creeds, and introduce our " four hundred " style 
 of civilization — and our representative style of 
 ultra-civilization might prove quite as acceptable 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 to the Europeans of to-day as theirs of four cen- 
 turies earlier was to the American aborigines, and 
 our civiUzation might make them feel and act 
 quite as awkward and restrained as this dilatory 
 turn-about calls for. 
 
 Ill 
 
 WHERE WAS I TO 
 
 WHICH TO FIT OUT THE 
 EXPEDITION ? 
 
 Having decided to attempt the 
 GET THE FUNDS WITH proposcd dlscovcry, the next 
 query that arose was, " Where 
 am I to get the necessary funds 
 with which to fit out the Expedition ?" I disliked 
 to ask my friends for assistance, for fear I might 
 lose them as friends. Neither did I wish to ask 
 the assistance of some geographical society ; I 
 preferred to go independently of such a society, 
 so that when I had completed my work I could 
 organize a society of my own, become its presi- 
 dent, and confer all the honorary degrees on 
 myself that are at the disposal of such a society. 
 This, you see, was in line with the spirit of inde- 
 pendent enterprise of the day. Blow your own 
 trumpet, and, if the world laughs, blow a little 
 louder and drown its voice with your noise. 
 
 Another reason for not wishing to ask outside 
 aid was that I, like Columbus, felt that I was a 
 little ahead of my age in thought ; I anticipated 
 the delay that my vivid, penetrating mind might 
 suffer should I await the tardy cooperation of my 
 dull and doubtful friends. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 "SHOULD 1 WRITE A *'Should Iraisc the necessary 
 NOVEL? " means by writing a novel ? " The 
 
 idea of raising money by writing a novel isn't 
 exactly a novel one. I had just read of the phe- 
 nomenal success of a novelist of our day, and it 
 very much inflated me with the idea that novel- 
 writing is a very handy recourse in an emergency. 
 As I haven't found a better example of the possi- 
 bilities of the day, in at least one line of endeavor, 
 than this bit of venture illustrates, I will insert it 
 right here, and if it doesn't bring tears to your 
 eyes, you may return this volume to its publishers 
 and they will cheerfully refund your money. 
 ONE OF THOSE " sue- This particular successful au- 
 cEssFUL AUTHORS." t^oj. jj^t a fcw brlcf ycars since 
 was a third-rate editor on a sheet published in a 
 city not far from New York, in which capacity, by 
 faithfully laboring eleven months and several 
 weeks of the year, he earned a precarious living 
 and a brief vacation — at his own expense. 
 A WANT BEGETS AN Hc wcut to spcud hls well- 
 
 "iDEA." earned vacation on a body of 
 
 water not far from home — very prudently, not far 
 from home. One day while lying — I mean re- 
 clining (as, for the time, he had given up all edi- 
 torial work) — in a shady nook overlooking the lake 
 (the body of water was a lake), gazing away over 
 the expanse of water and yearning to take a sail 
 beyond his horizon and his means, a steam yacht 
 glided gayly by. Her rakish appearance and pol- 
 ished nickel captivated his fancy, and it occurred 
 to him that he would like to own a steam yacht; 
 
Four Ce7ituries After 
 
 but his reason told him that he couldn't purchase 
 a "sharpy," much less a steam yacht. But this 
 want persisted ; it grew, it expanded : in fact, it 
 so worked on his mind that he had an idea ! He 
 would write a novel that should just pay for the 
 coveted steam yacht. 
 
 BE still! "there's Agreeably to his inspiration, he 
 A HEN on!" bought a quantity of foolscap 
 
 paper, pens, and ink, and set about, with a full- 
 arm movement, to write a novel, as per happy 
 thought ; and the manuscript began to flutter to 
 the floor of his den like the leaves of autumn ; 
 and in an incredibly brief time the manuscript for 
 his novel was worked off ; and he took it to a 
 certain publishing house with a large heart and 
 a penetrating mind, and sold his novel for a sum 
 of money which just paid for the subject of his 
 inspiration — the steam yacht. 
 
 That was simple, wasn't it ? Yes ; but here we 
 are left in maddening doubt as to how our novel- 
 ist was to run his " white elephant ; " how he was to 
 pay for his pilot, his engineer, for coal, a lubricant, 
 a few cases of "Extra Dry," a cork-screw, etc. 
 
 AS HELPLESS AS A Whcu I rcalizcd his short- 
 
 STRANDED JELLY-FISH, sightcdncss I couMu't keep the 
 tears back. Why didn't he make his novel a little 
 thicker ? Why did he stint himself to write a novel 
 that just paid for the steam yacht ? Or, why 
 didn't he ask more for the fruit of his brain ? 
 Alas ! I fear his is but another example showing 
 the want of business tact in the genius. He can 
 plan and execute immortal yarns, but when he 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 comes to face his publishers he is as frail and 
 gullible as a recently born child. No one realizes 
 this sorry truth better than I do. I doubt if I 
 could sell my novel for more than enough to meet 
 the expense of a brief little excursion in a steam 
 yacht — a cruise that would be literally " extra dry." 
 In fact, I doubt if I would have thought to ask 
 more than ten per cent, royalty, to be paid later on. 
 YES, EXCEEDINGLY But It Is intcrcstlng to know 
 
 ACTIVE. \\\2A. this particular author we 
 
 have in view did, in a brief time, meet with phe- 
 nomenal success. He caught like wild-fire ! and, 
 although strange to relate (or not strange to re- 
 late, as I am rather slow to " catch on "), I couldn't 
 recall having heard of this author before he was 
 " written up," it appears he had been an active 
 worker for some time — as active as a dog with a 
 teapot attached to his tail. 
 
 But to come back to my financial quandary. I 
 thought to write a novel to meet my expenses ; 
 but then it occurred to me that it would take 
 time for me to evolve a novel and realize more 
 than experience and criticism from it, so I aban- 
 doned, as not available, the idea of raising cash 
 from that source. It may answer the man who 
 writes me up, but would hardly be available in 
 the wilds of Europe. 
 
 RESOLVED TO STAKE Howcvcr, iu thc lauguagc of 
 
 MY PRIVATE FORTUNE early discovcrcrs, I had my private 
 ON THE ENTERPRISE. ^^^^^^^ . ^nd I rcsolvcd to stakc 
 
 it on the enterprise. This fortune wasn't very 
 large, which rendered it very portable ; I had 
 
Four Centuries After 13 
 
 no difficulty in concealing it about my person ; in 
 fact, I could have concealed several such fortunes 
 about me without distorting my nice symmetry of 
 person. But the scantiness of my means would 
 enhance the grandeur of my achievement, and 
 with this afterthought I was rich indeed. 
 
 IV 
 
 MY OUTFIT. 
 
 My outfit consisted of a tour- 
 ist's bag, which I partially filled 
 with conceit, enthusiasm, and sea-biscuit. I in- 
 tended to depend for subsistence principally on the 
 usual fruits of discovery, but thought it wise to lay 
 in a stock of enthusiasm and sea-biscuit to fall back 
 on in an emergency. I filled the remaining space 
 in my bag with a change of underclothing (I wished 
 to inspire the natives with a sense of our exalted 
 notions of civilization by changing my under- 
 clothing once or twice a season), a map giving 
 me a vague notion of the geography of the 
 'country I was about to enter, and a tourist's 
 guide-book, offering information of quite as vague 
 a nature. 
 
 Besides this bag and its contents, I took a small 
 camera, and a revolver of a small calibre. These 
 I intended to use in frightening the natives into 
 subjection. I rarely had occasion to use the 
 revolver, however, as I found the camera much 
 more effective in bringing the natives to terms, 
 and, besides, it had this advantage over the 
 revolver that it recorded its immediate terror- 
 
14 Four Centuries After 
 
 izing effect on the people. My outfit also in- 
 cluded a flask and a telescope. The flask was 
 said to have a capacity of one quart ; the nature 
 of the quart was not specified in the purchase — • 
 whether it was to be a quart of distilled rain-water 
 at thirty degrees Fahrenheit, or a quart of what is 
 familiarly called in America "budge," or artificial 
 inspiration. At home I rarely drink anything 
 stronger than tea and coffee, but I was afraid 
 that I would find a malarial district along the 
 Lower Rhine country, and a residence in the 
 Southern States of America had taught me the 
 efficiency of "budge" in case of malaria ; in fact, 
 this " budge " is almost a panacea in some 
 States suffering from Prohibition — whatever that 
 may mean. The telescope was a cunningly con- 
 structed binocular. It was so made that, by look- 
 ing through it from the big end, objects in the 
 field of vision were very much belittled ; while, 
 by reversing the telescope, objects were made to 
 appear abnormally large. I intended to use this 
 instrument in studying European traits of char- 
 acter ; the big end for virtue, the little end 
 for vice. My generosity and sympathetic nature 
 might have led me to reverse this order, but I 
 feared such a proceeding would be too great an 
 innovation for our age and generation, 
 
 THE GUARDED ^^ch has bccn written about 
 
 COURTESY OF MY GOV- thc trlals aud tribulations of Co- 
 
 ERNMENT. i i • i ■ JX i. i 1 ■ i 
 
 lumbus m his efforts to enlist 
 interest in his cause. If anything, my experience 
 has been more disheartening, although not so 
 
Four Centuries After 15 
 
 long-drawn out. My Government did not assure 
 me that I should have for myself during life, and 
 for my heirs and successors forever, the office of 
 Admiral in all the lands and countries which I 
 might discover or acquire in the ocean ; that I 
 should be Viceroy and Governor-General — in a 
 word, High Muck-ka-Muck over all' the said 
 lands and countries. Neither did she authorize 
 me and my heirs to prefix the title of " Don " 
 to our name. She didn't intend to encourage 
 vanity. She did not even assume my outstand- 
 ing and long-standing debts ; nor did she promise 
 me immunity from the clamorous demands of my 
 creditors. But she (my Government) did give me 
 a written introduction to the Grand Khan-Khan 
 of Tartary, requesting him to afford me the 
 entree to Mangi, Cathay, or any other part of his 
 dominion which I might wish to enter, to ascer- 
 tain if the inhabitants were enjoying the Colum- 
 bian standard of Christianity or not, and if the 
 soil contained gold enough to pay the expense of 
 working it and cutting the throats of the people. 
 This document was addressed alike to any and all 
 foreign rulers, with all of whom it was intended 
 to place me at perfect ease. It also spoke in 
 a touching way of my general personal appear- 
 ance, but was as silent as a clam on my mental 
 and moral attributes. Doubtless Mr. Blaine 
 thought that these were self-evident. It is not 
 always taken as a compliment to refer to a quality 
 that speaks for itself ; so I accepted Mr. Blaine's 
 silence as the highest of compliments ; it is 
 
1 6 FoiiK Centuries After 
 
 reasonable to suppose that a Secretary of State 
 knows the proper thing to do, both in the way of 
 getting a Secretaryship, and how to act when he 
 gets there. 
 
 My last care was to charter a 
 
 I CHARTERED A SHIP . , , . , 
 
 FOR THE AccoMMODA- ship With which to rcach the scene 
 TioN oT THE EXPEDi- of actlon. I found one of a line 
 
 TION. . , . , _ 
 
 of steamers plynig between New 
 York and Amsterdam which promised, in a lame 
 way, to answer our purpose. I rechristened her The 
 Pioneer J not by a special Act of Congress, but sim- 
 ply in my log. When you have learned the number 
 of calendar days this ship kept our enterprise bob- 
 bing about on the uneven surface of the Atlantic, 
 you will understand my diffidence about referring 
 to the real name of this steamer. When I give a 
 line of steamers a gratuitous advertising I want 
 to believe that my generosity will not be mistaken 
 for malicious libel. As we all came out of the 
 experience alive, under the inspiration of prayers 
 of thanksgiving that ascended, I might have been 
 disposed to mark the bottom of this ship " A No. 
 I " (we are always very liberal after having had 
 a peep into the New Jerusalem), but to have done 
 so would have been an outrage on the travelling 
 public. 
 
 I say I chartered this vessel ; to be accurate, 
 (which is sometimes a virtue), I should say I 
 engaged accommodaticwi for the passage of my 
 
Four Centuries After 17 
 
 Expedition. We were assigned a bridal chamber 
 off the after-saloon, nicely supplied with hot and 
 cold water and with air that wanted deodorizing — 
 air that was just about as wholesome as one finds 
 in any state-room that floats the deep. When one 
 has been jiggled about on the ocean for a week 
 or so the gayest of state-rooms seems as if ven- 
 tilated from the black-hole of Calcutta. 
 
 VI 
 
 Everything in readiness, on the 
 
 WE BOLDLY COM- y o 7 
 
 MiTTED OUR BARQUE 17th of Octobcr, eightccn hun- 
 To THE SEA." dred and not quite ninety-two, 
 we gave the word to cast off the stern hawser. 
 This command having been complied with, we laid 
 our course out of New York Harbor. I was a little 
 surprised at the calmness with which our sailors 
 scanned the vast and boisterous expanse of water 
 before us, which seemed to have no opposite 
 shores. Not a tear did they shed, nor did they 
 utter one word of lamentation. This impertur- 
 bable calmness was a disappointment to me. It 
 seemed as though there was a hitch somewhere — 
 as though the actors had fouled their cues, or the 
 well of their emotions had run dry. Then it 
 occurred to me that the occasion was " Four Cen- 
 turies After," and that I was the pioneer in a new 
 school of discovery. So " we boldly committed 
 our barque to the sea," as the old sea-dogs used 
 to say, when they had discovered the utility of the 
 compass. 
 
 2 
 
1 8 Four Centuries After 
 
 VII 
 
 , ^„ If time hung heavily on our 
 
 OUR COMMANDER *» - 
 
 AND HIS STOCK OF hands, it was from no fault of 
 ANECDOTE. ^^^ commandcr. He was untir- 
 
 ing in his efforts to please. He had been in the 
 East India service, where he had acquired a large 
 and interesting stock of anecdotes, a few of which 
 were intended for the drawing-room, but many of 
 them had to be told out on deck in a strong east 
 wind. It was one of the active rules of our ship 
 that when the commander reached the climax of 
 his nautical yarns, all hands were to laugh. To 
 ignore this rule, even when actively at commune 
 with the sea over the lee-rail, was an offence which 
 placed the delinquent in irons. This rule inspired 
 rapt attention, until one day a caprice led him to 
 relate a yarn that created a mutiny. This " last 
 straw " was doled out, we thought, with more 
 detail and gravity than its companion stories. It 
 related how they used to catch penguins when he 
 was in the East India service ; and the way he 
 personated the penguin in captivity would bring 
 tears to the eyes of an East Side Judge. Once 
 again our bold and intrepid mariner created a 
 panic by bringing out the old yarn : " Once upon 
 a time, while in the East India service, we were 
 forced to use the ice, to chill our drinking water, 
 in which our defunct yellow-f^ver patient was 
 packed ! " This was told apropos of a call for 
 water by a sensitive fellow at our table. 
 
 But our mariner was at his best when he led off 
 
Four Centuries After 19 
 
 at dinner by calling for the second serving of his 
 favorite soup. The principal ingredient of this 
 soup was claret, and its effect was much more 
 exhilarating than claret direct from the bottle. 
 On these occasions we exonerated our mariner 
 from any malicious design in dealing out his yarns. 
 And, by the way, I would highly recommend this 
 soup for hardening of the heart. 
 PRECAUTIONS TAKEN Our coursc for the first few 
 TO AVOID MUTINY. days might have led one to sup- 
 pose we were an expedition in search of the North 
 Pole. This northerly course was chosen, how- 
 ever, so that we should be out of sight of land 
 no longer than was absolutely necessary. We in- 
 tended to profit by the experience of Columbus, 
 and avoid even threatened mutiny, if possible. 
 THE LOST ISLE-PAIN- ^rom thc first, and throughout 
 FUL MISGIVINGS. thc voyagc, we kept our weather 
 eye open for the Lost Isle of the Seven Cities, 
 but she (the Isle) refused to appear on our horizon. 
 After many days out, it began to be whispered 
 about, " Can it be that our commander is seeking 
 a westerly passage to the Netherlands, or is he in 
 quest of the Ultima Thule?" We all began to 
 feel apprehensive and like breaking forth into the 
 long-looked-for lamentations. 
 
 VIII 
 
 A STORM WHILE, alas! Ouc day, alas! when entirely 
 
 AT SEA. Qut of sight of land, a storm of 
 
 uncalled-for violence came up and smote our ship. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 I was on the poop deck at the time, and had a 
 perfect view of the whole affair. The storm was 
 announced by dark, scudding clouds to the wind- 
 ward, that came swooping down on us, rhetori- 
 cally speaking, something after the style of a hawk 
 on a spring chicken. The billows rose mountains 
 high (or, rather, about twenty-five feet), and 
 dashed their foaming crests against our ship's 
 side, while several of the most venturesome actu- 
 ally came on deck, rendering it very wet and slip- 
 pery. The sea monsters may have "snorted in 
 the foam," as a well-known divine would have it ; 
 if so, I didn't hear them. This was another dis- 
 appointment, as I should like to have heard a sea 
 monster snort in his (or her) native element ; it 
 would have made the occasion seem more weird 
 than it was. I once saw a sea monster in a 
 museum on Eighth Avenue. It refused to snort, 
 though, when asked to do so. I was informed 
 that it hadn't snorted since taken from the deep, 
 deep sea, and stuffed with straw and treated to a 
 coat of bad-smelling varnish. Doubtless the vil- 
 lain who had it in charge knew nothing about 
 natural history and the diet of sea monsters. I 
 asked him (the keeper) how he would like to be 
 carried beneath the sea and stuffed with sea-weed. 
 This made him see his cruelty in a new light. On 
 this occasion, when everything seemed auspicious 
 for sea monsters, I looked expectingly for one 
 and listened for his snort, but was doomed to dis- 
 appointment. 
 
 However, everything else went off in its proper 
 
Fou7- Centuries After 
 
 order, although in a rather mild degree. One of 
 our mainsails was rent, with a report something 
 like that of a minute-gun, and our starboard watch 
 ahoy came near being washed overboard. This, 
 of course, was wholly unnecessary, as we had 
 made every arrangement for washing in a caboose 
 on the forward deck, although the sailors were 
 wont to neglect the opportunity. At the height 
 of Nature's carnival an old salt ventured the ob- 
 servation that it looked as though we might have 
 a storm. I let that pass, though, as at the time 
 both of my hands were well employed in keeping 
 one of the lee-shrouds from going by the board. 
 I never feel above lending, a hand in an emer- 
 gency like that, and I reasoned that if one of our 
 shrouds were lost there might be an urgent need 
 for several shrouds. 
 
 CASTING BREAD, ETC., Naturc rcccived several well- 
 upoN THE WATER. choscn and hastily proffered trib- 
 utes that day. Mr. D , who accompanied 
 
 the expedition for his health, and who had chosen 
 a protracted voyage as a means of toning up his 
 nerves, had told us all along that the motion of a 
 vessel never affected him unpleasantly. This was 
 doubtless true, and his motive in going to the lee- 
 rail and doing like unto his fellow-voyagers was 
 pure charity. When a man will stand, hour after 
 hour, and retch and retch as though he were loath 
 to leave a particle of aliment in his viscera — when 
 he will cast his last morsel of bread, etc., upon the 
 water and yearn for an opportunity to cast more 
 — when he will do all this, I say, through pure 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 sympathy, 1 am willing to believe, yea, I am posi- 
 tive, that he loves his fellow-men. I used to ap- 
 proach Brother D (at times when he seemed 
 
 most interested in the sea — at times when he stood 
 leaning over the rail, with one hand holding the 
 shrouds and the other engaged in keeping his hat 
 in place, while he peered into the restless ocean), 
 and, placing my hand caressingly on his back, 
 would ask : " What are the wild waves saying, 
 neighbor? Have they brought you a message 
 from home?" Not receiving an immediate reply, 
 I would add : " Oh, if I could but be inspired with 
 your touching sentiment ! " 
 HE ADVISED ANOTHER Ouc day, whllc thc sea was very 
 
 FIELD OF DISCOVERY, uncasy, aud D had assumed 
 
 his wonted attitude at the rail, he ventured to re- 
 ply to my unrelenting words of sympathy ; he told 
 me to " go to the devil ! " But afterward, when 
 the sea had calmed down, he told me that he 
 spoke under the inspiration of the moment, and 
 that he wasn't in earnest ; that I might continue 
 to Europe instead. 
 
 ADVANTAGES OF A As thc storm coutiiiued, oh! 
 
 CRUISE ON A CANAL, j^q^ ^,g lougcd for a port of 
 
 entry, or even a second-grade coaling station, in 
 which to shelter our ship. At one tijne we would 
 have cheerfully cast our lines over the most ordi- 
 nary fence-post, had we been in the country. 
 Then it was that the apparent advantage of a 
 cruise on a canal came to our minds. In the 
 event of a storm on a canal you can snub your 
 mules, likewise your craft, to a fence-post at almost 
 
Four Centuries After 23 
 
 any point along your course, and wait until the 
 clouds roll by and for weather suiting the sea- 
 worthiness of your ship and stomach. 
 I LOVE TO WATCH SoHic pcopk havc a notion that 
 
 AN INVERTED sTOM- \i (joes thcm good to have their 
 
 ACH — THAT IS, IF IT . i t 1 r 
 
 BELONGS TO MY NEIGH- stomach invcrted. I know of 
 BOR. several persons who are quite 
 
 willing to grant you that in their case they feel 
 inexpressibly better after their stomach has re- 
 adjusted itself. They will also tell you that they 
 feel much relieved after coming out of a night- 
 mare. They feel better than they did while in it, 
 which is by no means proof that their peculiar 
 disease indicated nightmare treatment. 
 
 IX 
 
 After all these days, our sea- 
 
 THE CHILD-LIKE •' ' 
 
 CONFIDENCE OF OUR men stlll show none of the timid- 
 SEAMEN. jjy characterizing the followers 
 
 of Columbus ; they display a child-like confidence 
 that we shall discover the Netherlands, but just at 
 what season of the year or day of the month they 
 appear to. be both literally and metaphorically at 
 sea. I must own that I failed to share this abid- 
 ing faith of our sailors, and herein history seems 
 to reverse the order of things ; Columbus had 
 unbounded confidence — a confidence his followers 
 couldn't share. History rarely repeats itself in 
 every detail, and I don't see that I should grow 
 despondent because my experience fails to bob up 
 a perfect stereotype of some past event. 
 
24 Four Centuries After 
 
 X 
 
 SOMETHING WAS Oh thc moming of October 
 
 BREAKING. 3oth, Es I WES golng on deck, I 
 
 overheard one of the officers say that something 
 was being broken ! My heart almost stood still, 
 and I caught a handrail for support. Could it 
 be that the keel (the backbone of our ship) was 
 breaking ? And I pictured the Expedition bob- 
 bing about on the storm-tossed sea upheld by one 
 solitary life preserver, with " water, water every- 
 where, but not a drop to drink; " in a word, " with 
 no visible means of support," other than that 
 solitary life preserver ! Were my fond hopes of 
 great discoveries to be dashed and shattered on 
 some cruel strand ? No, it could not be ! Prov- 
 idence could not be so cruel ! I should not re- 
 pine ; I would investigate the matter ; and I did, 
 then and there, and found the rumor afloat that 
 our ship was expected to break her record ! Not 
 as a " fast sailer," but as a long-voyager — a vessel 
 recommended as a stomachic, or a protracted 
 emetic. I will own that I completely collapsed. 
 All along during the voyage I 
 
 THE EGG EXPLOIT. , . ^ 
 
 have been watchmg for a favor- 
 able opportunity to perform the fgg exploit. I have 
 wanted to inspire my followers with something more 
 lofty than mere contempt or flat indifference, and 
 I reasoned that if I could stand an &gg on end I 
 would make a decided hit ; but I have found that 
 it takes considerable dexterity to stand one's self 
 on end on a deck that is being momentarily tilted 
 
Four Centuries After 25 
 
 at nearly every known angle, leaving the t.%^ ex- 
 ploit entirely out of the question. As a last resort, 
 I attempted to stand an omelet on end, but it 
 wouldn't be still, even in my stomach, so, with con- 
 siderable eclat^ I cast it into the sea. How I longed 
 to have Columbus see me cast that z%g ! I am sure 
 that the exploit would have made him envious of 
 my prospective fame — fame as a caster. I believe 
 that I cast that &%% our ship's length. It's wonder- 
 ful how emulation will cause a man to exert him- 
 self. Should it ever be ascertained that Columbus 
 has turned in his grave, we may know the cause of 
 his uneasiness. 
 
PART II 
 
 I 
 
 On the evening: of the ^ist of 
 
 WE FIRST TOUCH EU- & -^ 
 
 ROPEAN SOIL AT Octobcr, in the year of our Lord 
 YMUDiN. jg_^ ^^ sighted the flat coast of 
 
 the Netherlands, and during the night came to 
 anchor at Ymudin, the North Sea terminus of 
 the North Sea Canal. It was at this point on 
 the European coast that we first rested our feet 
 and smeared them with Ymudin mud. I would 
 ask the historian to kindly pin this fact in his 
 hat, so as to avoid future discussion as to the 
 exact point we first touched European soil. 
 Ymudin may want in euphony, but it has the 
 advantage over " San Salvador, or Cat Island, or 
 somewhere else," in this that it is geometrically 
 exact, and I repeat that to be exact is sometimes 
 a virtue, particularly so when recording events 
 still in the minds of our critical neighbors. When 
 we become grandpa we may, with impunity, lie 
 most outrageously about the events of our youth. 
 I say " we may," but will add, for the benefit of the 
 children, that we should not. 
 
Foil)- Centuries After 
 
 On the morning of November 
 
 WE ABANDON OUR SHIP. 
 
 ist, we Steamed up the canal to 
 Amsterdam, where we abandoned our ship. We 
 thought to blow her up (Pizarro style), and should 
 have done so had we had a quantity of noiseless 
 powder. As it was, we stepped quietly and unosten- 
 tatiously ashore. Before we left our ship, an inquisi- 
 tive native, who could speak a'Meetle" Columbian, 
 came aboard and asked me if I had any cigars or 
 Florida water about me. I told him that I was 
 very sorry that I hadn't, and asked him if he would 
 take a pull at my flask of "budge." I felt like 
 asking him if he supposed that was the way Colum- 
 bus was treated when he landed on our shores. 
 He gave me an official poster to put on our bag, 
 and I stuck it on the most conspicuous side of the 
 bag, but was told a few days later that it was 
 intended to seal the bag. 
 THE DUTCH HAVE Wc discusscd thc practicability 
 
 TAKEN HOLLAND ! (jf taklug thc Nctherlauds and 
 making her tributary to the United States, but 
 found on investigation the report that " the Dutch 
 had taken Holland " too true ; so we abandoned 
 the idea of annexation. 
 
 II 
 
 THE ETYMOLOGY OF Thc ctymology of the word 
 " NETHERLAND." " Ncthcrland " (or Nederland, as 
 the natives call it) seems to be clouded in doubt. 
 The most rational explanation, and at the same 
 time the least authentic one, is that during the 
 
Four Centuries After 29 
 
 early history of Europe an adventurous crew of 
 Corsairs (or " Coarse hairs,'.' as they were called ; 
 so named from the hair which grew profusely on 
 their breasts), while sailing up the North Sea in 
 quest of a decent landing-place, came near this 
 coast. There was a cry from the watch at the 
 mast-head which the captain did not catch, so he 
 asked if land was in sight. This was a perplexing 
 question, as it was at a time long before the re- 
 claiming process had been undertaken, and " land " 
 was a very uncertain commodity. Now, a man on 
 watch at the mast-head should be a man of few 
 but comprehensive words, as carrying on a con- 
 versation from such a height is very trying ; so, 
 not to compromise himself, this lookout called 
 down a reply which, with a slight modification, 
 has continued coming down through many ages, 
 " Nether land nor water ! " But the captain did 
 attempt to effect a landing, and he got in a very 
 nasty snarl of bog and quagmire, but extricated 
 himself as soon as possible, and sailed away. Ever 
 after, this part of the coast has been called 
 " Netherlands." It is pleasing to note, in passing, 
 that the sailor who made the announcement of 
 " Nether land nor water " was rewarded with the 
 exalted berth of boatswain for his shrewdness. 
 THE EVOLUTION OF T\\Q cvolution of thc Nether- 
 
 THE NETHERLANDS. lands is an interesting study. 
 The countless incoming billows of the North Sea 
 brought in their burden of sand to form the dunes, 
 the nucleus of a prospective country. To this 
 foundation the Rhine added her offering of rich 
 
30 Four Centuries After 
 
 alluvial soil, filched from along her shores. In 
 this the marsh-plant took root, forming a con- 
 genial home for the quail, the harbinger of man. 
 Then the hardy, waterproof Dutchman came 
 along, Providence his guide, to lend a helping 
 hand to the work of nature. 
 
 These Dutchmen, the inhabi- 
 
 YOU MUST FISH, ' 
 
 CUT BAIT, OR GO tauts of Ncthcrland, are an emi- 
 ASHORE ! " neatly practical and thrifty tribe ; 
 
 this trait comes of necessity. They saw at the out- 
 set that nature in this particular locality would not 
 encourage loafing ; and the leader of the first col- 
 ony, while out fishing one day (about their only 
 industry at the time), turned to his followers, who 
 had been showing a disposition to shirk, and said, 
 with considerable spirit : " Gentlemen, you must 
 fish, cut bait, or go ashore ! " This expression was 
 brought over to New Amsterdam, and thus became 
 quite current in America, although generally con- 
 sidered more forceful than elegant. 
 A LESSON IN PERSE- Thc Dutchmcu and their Neth- 
 
 vERANCE. erland remind me of an attempt 
 
 I made, while a boy, to drown out an ant-hill. 
 The water only increased their industry. The 
 ants doubtless attributed the presence of water in 
 the hill to the lowness of their situation, so they 
 built on another story to raise their home above 
 high-water mark. I was taught a wholesome les- 
 son, but didn't succeed in exterminating the ants. 
 The Dutch have had many wettings, but this didn't 
 seem to dampen their ardor ; evidently that part 
 of their anatomy is waterproof, and a good wetting 
 
Four Centuries After 31 
 
 from the sea only leads them to build their dykes 
 higher and set more windmills to pumping. 
 
 The Dutchmen utilize every- 
 
 HOW THEY DEAL -' 
 
 WITH A- PLAYFUL TOR- tiling ; not z. breath of air passes 
 '^^°°' over their domain that isn't used 
 
 from once to several times in working their wil- 
 derness of windmills. A wind that reaches their 
 shore as a tornado is quite tuckered out when it 
 arrives at the opposite border of the kingdom — 
 where it dies away with a sigh that is really 
 pathetic. A sailing vessel finds it exceedingly 
 difficult to sail up the delta of the Rhine — the 
 wind is so industriously utilized in turning wind- 
 mills. These windmills work night and day, and 
 although sometimes they groan unmercifully, it is 
 not from fatigue, but for want of a lubricant. 
 A LIFE BENEATH THE It Is sald tliat thc surfacc of 
 SEA. the Netherlands is at some places 
 
 as many as forty feet below the level of the sea 
 when at high tide. One would think that this 
 unnatural condition of things would be a constant 
 source of painful apprehension, but if any such 
 feeling exists they never show it. I have noticed 
 this same apparent indifference, or forgetfulness 
 of a like impending danger, in the inhabitants 
 along the exposed places of the Mississippi. One 
 night, while trying to sleep at Jericho, near the 
 Dead Sea, I thought what a serious joke it would 
 be if some practical joker should slip along with 
 a long, very long, gimlet, and bore a hole through 
 from the Mediterranean Sea and inundate the 
 Jordan Valley with 1,300 feet of water. This, of 
 
32 Four Centuries After 
 
 course, was pure fancy, and should have been cata- 
 logued with my dreams. I asked the hotel pro- 
 prietor at Jericho — but Jericho is elsewhere. 
 RESCUING A KING- Whilc trying to sleep in those 
 
 DOM WITH HIS FIN- Iqw pUccs of Holland, I recalled 
 
 GER. . . T , 
 
 a picture I saw a great many 
 years ago (in a Sunday-school book, I believe), 
 which showed a boy standing beside a Holland 
 dyke with his "finger thrust in a small hole in the 
 embankment. He had stood there all night and 
 looked very tired and sleepy, and I was at once 
 interested in him. It would appear that during 
 the evening while passing that way he espied a 
 small stream of water issuing from the side of the 
 embankment, and he reasoned at once that this 
 apparently insignificant little stream threatened 
 the lowlands 'with a great calamity, so he inserted 
 his finger — I forget which finger — in the hole and 
 heroically stood there until relieved (I can't recall 
 whether he was relieved by some one else's finger, 
 or not) in the morning. Who can imagine what 
 passed through this little hero's mind during the 
 long vigils of that night } One thought that 
 flitted through his little brain was that he would 
 escape doing the chores that evening. 
 
 The Dutch used to pride them- 
 
 GREAT GUNS, THE ^ 
 
 KINGDOM HAS SPRUNG sclvcs ou thclr fightiug attrlbutcs, 
 ALEAK. particularly on the high seas ; but 
 
 of late years they have torn down most of 
 their fortifications and built promenades with the 
 material. Now, when an aggressive neighbor 
 looks at their reclaimed land (the fruit of their 
 
Four Centuries After 33 
 
 thrift) with a covetous eye, the Dutchman says : 
 " Keep off, or we will open our dykes and let in 
 the sea ! " This is enough, as it is quite plain 
 that -land with several feet of salt water over it 
 would produce little else than malaria, and that 
 product would not pay the taxes. With most of 
 the European powers the abiding dread is War, 
 ravishing War ; but the danger which menaces 
 the Netherlands is the encroachment of the sea, 
 and instead of the war-cry they listen for the 
 horrifying announcement : " Great guns, the king- 
 dom has sprung a leak ! " 
 
 PERSONAL APPEAR- I" pcrsonal appearance the 
 
 ANCE. Dutchmen are a people wearing 
 
 a demure face, a long-stale pipe, and wooden 
 shoes.* Their serious manner (a standing rebuke 
 to hilarity), their rather unsocial disposition, and 
 the fortitude they display in permitting the women 
 to do the chores while they smoke the pipe of 
 
 * I dictated this book from the original MS. to a blonde 
 typewriter. She had very nimble fingers, but her intellect 
 was quite as agile, and when I thus briefly held the mirror up 
 to the Dutchman, she threw up her hands in horror and 
 anxiously inquired : "What, nothing else?" I threatened 
 to report her conduct to the topical man at the show, at which 
 she again demurely settled back to work. At the end of two 
 weeks of '' dictation," with now and then a repartee, I had 
 fallen more or less in love with her — of course — but in my 
 hurry to go to press I neglected to state my case. Now, at 
 this late hour, and at the respectful, platonic distance of 
 several hundred miles, I make the confession. Ah, Birdie 
 (yes, her name is Bird), why don't you write your "Confes- 
 sion " as a typewriter ? 
 3 
 
34 Four Centuries After 
 
 peace — these traits, taken collectively, remind me 
 very much of the American aborigines ; other- 
 wise they are very unlike Uncle Sam's copper- 
 colored wards. 
 
 in 
 
 WHERE THE 
 
 >' Every growth has its begin- 
 LosEs ITS PROFANITY, nlttg — Its polut of dcparturc : or- 
 ganic life is heralded by the protoplasm ; the 
 stone tossed into the quiet pond marks the centre 
 of a series of waverings ; while the germinal 
 point of the Dutchman's principal city was a dam. 
 This may at first seem like an ungodly beginning, 
 but this dam was not the damn of the carpenter 
 who hit his thumb, nor the " Tinker's dam " — it 
 was a dam constructed by the Dutchmen to con- 
 fine the River Amstel. The projectors of this 
 city began with a dam, and it would seem to have 
 been their pleasure that everything should be 
 dammed ; and to-day we find that few institutions 
 escaped this euphonious appellation. Next after 
 dam, in frequency of occurrence, comes Van 
 Houten's cocoa. You may read this anywhere 
 about town, and in some of the most unexpected 
 places. The street-cars have " Van Houten's 
 Cocoa" on one end and "Dam" on the other. 
 Our captain told me this was an advertising 
 scheme imported from America. 
 MORE TALK ABOUT A blrd's-cyc view of Amster- 
 
 THE DAMMED CITY. dam, wlth hcr system of canals, 
 reminds one of a half-section of a spider's 
 web : the concentric strands of the web represent 
 
Foitr Centuries After 35 
 
 one series of canals ; the radiating strands mark 
 another system, while the centre of the web, 
 where the spider holds his reception — his parlor, 
 wherein he entertains the fly — points the location 
 of "The Dam." 
 
 Amsterdam, as is well known, rests on piles 
 driven upward of fifty feet in a peat-bog. I 
 felt quite uneasy when I found that wood-worms 
 were at work gnawing away the town's only sup- 
 port. The first night in town, instead of going at 
 once to sleep, it occurred to me : " What if these 
 worms on this particular night should get unduly 
 ravenous and complete their work of destruc- 
 tion — what would become of the Expedition ?" 
 
 If the Dutch canal-boat be a 
 
 THE WAY HE KEPT 
 
 WATCH OF HIS FAM- picturcsquc craft, the way it is 
 "'"*'■ hauled along the canal is no less 
 
 interesting. At one place I saw an old woman 
 and a child of about twelve years (doubtless 
 mother and daughter) trudging along the bank 
 of the canal with straps over their shoulders, 
 whence a long rope was carried to a flat-boat 
 loaded with the stuff they enrich the soil with. 
 At the stern of the craft lounged an able, and 
 willing, bodied man, lazily working the tiller and 
 smoking his long-stale meerschaum. The trio 
 appeared to be phlegmatically happy. 
 
 NOT A dog's para- On laud we find the push-cart 
 
 °'^^- and dog-cart ; the push-cart for 
 
 vending, and the dog-cart, in the language of the 
 
 poet, to "get there" with. This dog-cart is a 
 
 dog-cart in every sense of the word — drawn by 
 
36 Foicr Centuries After 
 
 from one to three dogs. You often see a very- 
 large Dutchman sitting in (or, more correctly, on) 
 a small, low cart, drawn by a dog of about a quar- 
 ter the weight of his cargo. An overgrown man 
 with a demure face riding in such a turn-out, with 
 his feet and legs sticking out at either side at an 
 angle with his body of about forty degrees, pre- 
 sents a very dignified appearance ; but the Dutch- 
 man doesn't seem to know it. When you pass him 
 you have to give him more than half the road if 
 you wish to avoid being tripped up with his pro- 
 jecting legs. The dogs attached to these carts 
 seem to be just as thoroughly imbued with the 
 earnestness of this life as their master, and they 
 are rarely heard barking or seen playing " dog." 
 
 IV 
 
 A DAZZLING, FAsciNAT- I was vcry ffluch taken with the 
 iNG BUSINESS. proccss of cuttlng and polishing 
 diamonds, the industry in which Amsterdam leads 
 the world. It is a most dazzling, fascinating busi- 
 ness. I was very sorry that I hadn't brought my 
 Rhine stone along and had it treated, as its re- 
 fractive power has become a little impaired. I 
 suppose the angles of its facets are a little off, geo- 
 metrically. Then, on the whole, it is doubtless as 
 well that I hadn't it with me, as it might have ex- 
 cited the cupidity of the natives and possibly lost 
 me my life, which would have been a great draw- 
 back to the success of the Expedition. Then I 
 consoled myself with the thought that if I really 
 
Four Ce7ituries After 37 
 
 needed a diamond I could doubtless pick up a 
 Rhine stone most anywhere when I got farther up 
 the Rhine. I remarked that the polishing of dia- 
 monds was a slow process — they are so hard ; and 
 some one standing near rejoined that it was a harder 
 task to get hold of a diamond than it was to polish 
 it. Some people will insist on straining the finest 
 point to make a play on words, although there may 
 not be one among their audience who will appre- 
 ciate their pains. I can't approve of this, and I 
 have often chided an utter stranger for committing 
 the offence, telling him when he feels abnor- 
 mally facetious, to call to mind the fact that on 
 some auspicious occasion he will figure as the hero 
 in an unfacetious funeral. This usually has the 
 desired effect. Then I fairly scintillate with rep- 
 artee, etc. You can never be quite sure what a 
 man means when he moralizes. He may be throw- 
 ing you off your guard while he trades you a horse 
 with a hidden blemish. 
 
 V 
 
 THE UTILITY OF THE ^c stoppcd at thc Hdtel Du 
 AMERICAN MENU LAN- Pussagc. I undcrstand that when 
 GUAGE. ^]^gy selected this name for their 
 
 hotel and were about to inscribe it on the hotel's 
 front, they discovered that there wasn't room for 
 the name to appear in Dutch, so. they were forced 
 to appeal to our Menu language. If this be true, 
 it's a sad commentary on the Dutch language. 
 The hotel has an "ascending room (lift, American 
 
38 Fou7- Centuries After 
 
 style) to the top of the hotel," as their prospectus 
 puts it. This American feature made me feel quite 
 at home, but it was about the only feature of the 
 hotel that inspired this agreeable feeling. The 
 hotel was in charge of a head waiter and chief 
 porter, the European style of management. This 
 system is a decided improvement on " the way the 
 old woman kept hotel out West." It is no more 
 than I expected ; I knew these gentlemen were 
 coming to the front and would have full charge of 
 the hotel sooner or later ; they are almost there in 
 America. 
 
 VI 
 
 THE DUTCHMAN WEEP- Among thc many quaint sights 
 "^^' of Amsterdam is her towers, from 
 
 the balcony of which in former times the fire- 
 alarm was sounded. I visited the one called the 
 Crying Tower. It is said to have received its 
 name from the tears of the sailors who here bade 
 their friends farewell. As I stood looking from 
 this tower, rapt in contemplation of the many 
 effective scenes that had been enacted here during 
 past ages, a feeling of sadness stole over me, while 
 tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my 
 cheeks. The guide, who stood expectantly by my 
 side patiently awaiting his fee, ventured to ask me 
 why I wept. I asked him if he would be offended 
 if I told him the plain truth. He told me that he 
 would not ; that the truth from an American 
 would be wholesome. Then I frankly owned that 
 
Four Centuries After 39 
 
 the idea of a Dutchman weeping was too much for 
 even my staid nature ; then I handed him a half- 
 guilder and walked away. 
 
 VII 
 
 THE UNICORN AND THE Amstcrdam's Zoological Gar- 
 wATERLoo. (jgjj jg worthy of a visit, not alone 
 
 for the perfect medley of smells that pervade all 
 zoos, but to study the animals in captivity. You 
 can't help thinking that Noah must have had his 
 hands and heart full during his sojourn in the 
 stuffy ark with "two of a kind." I noticed that 
 this perfect collection contained no unicorn, and I 
 remarked its absence to the keeper. He didn't 
 appear to appreciate my pains. If you want to 
 amuse yourself, just step into a zoo on the Conti- 
 nent and inquire for the English unicorn ; or, 
 what is equally amusing, ask a Frenchman if he 
 ever met a Waterloo, as though a Waterloo were 
 something that went stalking about the country 
 seeking whom or what it might devour. 
 
 VIII 
 
 "four centuries About the only feature I saw 
 
 after!" Jj^ ^j^g palace worthy of mention 
 
 was a stove bearing the name of a well-known 
 American stove manufactory. Here I stopped 
 and rubbed the configurations of my head a mo- 
 ment ; " Yes, it is just four hundred years after ! " 
 Ryk's Museum is certainly a 
 magnificent temple of art. The 
 celebrated painting by Van der Heist, representing 
 
 at large in art. 
 
40 Four Cenhiries After 
 
 the City Guard of Amsterdam celebrating the 
 Treaty of Munster, 1648, is certainly a study in 
 art, although the group, as a city guard, wouldn't 
 present a very formidable appearance guarding 
 the city of to-day. 
 
 Ruskin has said that " the fairest view you can 
 take of a Dutch painter is that he is a respectable 
 tradesman furnishing well-made articles in oil and 
 paint." The Dutchman is quite clever at painting 
 a cow ; but his conception of an angel reminds me 
 of a flying machine I once saw — a decidedly mate- 
 rialistic angel, with wings that, if brought to bear 
 with the nicest of skill on our ether, could not be 
 induced to raise their burden to anything like an 
 angelic height. 
 
 IX 
 
 ALAS, IT IS TOO Amstcrdam hardly mentions 
 
 true! her theatres, but she is justly 
 
 proud of her beer-garden, one of the finest in 
 Europe. After visiting this garden, I strolled 
 aimlessly about town, till I was arrested — not by 
 a policeman, but by the glaring announcement, 
 " English Concert Hall." I was about to pass on, 
 when a young, gayly, yet meagrely, dressed woman 
 came out and, without a formal presentation or 
 the faintest apology for her abruptness, proceeded 
 to get acquainted with me. She urged me to come 
 in ; she even laid hands on me ; but I pleaded 
 a former engagement. My plea was of no avail ; 
 she was as irresistible as a Baxter Street decoy ; 
 
Four Centuries After 41 
 
 in fact, her ways were so winning'that she at last 
 persuaded me to go in. I am sometimes willing 
 to compromise an argument to avoid a scene with 
 a woman. She led me to a table and, motioning 
 me to a chair, took one opposite me, and then 
 asked me in a pleading way to order a bottle 
 of champagne. Leaning forward, to get nearer 
 her ear, I whispered that if she would do me a 
 certain favor I would pay for the champagne. 
 She didn't blush, but looked at me somewhat sur- 
 prised, and then nodded her head. While she 
 drank her champagne, I looked about me. Yes ; 
 it was the same old story ; the same sittings and 
 the same actors, on whom the " Scarlet Letter " 
 stood out in bold relief. The champagne was 
 drunk, and after a time there came a lull in the 
 singing, when I again whispered to my vis-a-vis. 
 She got up and slowly made her way to the stage, 
 whispered something to the leader of the orchestra, 
 who looked rather amused but nodded assent. 
 Then she took her position on the stage and, in a 
 clear, well-modulated voice, began to sing, " Do 
 they miss me at home ? " Her audience looked in- 
 quiringly at one another, and then, rather timidly, 
 a voice here and there joined in till the hall re- 
 sounded with their united effort. Evidently some- 
 where back in the past they had sung it in different 
 surroundings and under different circumstances. 
 The man sitting a little to my right, who wore a 
 rather blase appearance when I came in, rested his 
 hand, containing a wineglass, on the table and 
 allowed his gaze to fix itself on the bare wall in 
 
42 Fom- Centuiies After 
 
 front of him, and became so rapt that the young 
 woman sitting opposite had to nudge him twice 
 before she could recall his attention back to her ; 
 and one of the girls on the stage, who had seemed 
 ready to laugh at anything or nothing, at the end 
 of the first stanza took out her handkerchief, blew 
 her nose violently, and then arose rather precipi- 
 tately and went behind the scenes. 
 
 The experiment was an old one, often tried, but 
 I never grow tired of watching its effect on the 
 human affections. A man may drift a long way 
 from his home and his God, and believe, and even 
 boast, that he is a bad man, but associated mem- 
 ory i7iay bring him back for a moment, and possi- 
 bly start a train of thought that points to a shallow 
 life with no promise of anything beyond. 
 
 The last note of the song died away, and then a 
 stillness followed. There was no encore. All sat 
 very quiet as though waiting for something to call 
 them out of a trance — all but one, and he (the 
 instigator of the sudden change from gay to grave), 
 got up and walked out. As he passed through 
 the entrance, he was startled by a loud report ! 
 He looked back — another bottle of champagne 
 had been broken ! 
 
 . X . 
 
 On the afternoon of November 
 
 THE EXPEDITION 
 
 TAKES THE TOW- 2d, thc cxpcdltion left Amster- 
 PATH. dam. It walked briskly through 
 
 the town to the suburbs, where it took the tow- 
 path along the Amstel. The Dutchmen watched 
 
Four Centuries After 43 
 
 its progress with a passive curiosity, and its unique 
 appearance almost caused the windmills to stop 
 their merry-go-round. The path presented a 
 good' foothold, and the weather was just cool 
 enough to render walking a pleasure. 
 THE expedition's I Say that the Expedition started 
 
 ITINERARY Qut ou foot. Now, It was the in- 
 
 tention of the projector of this expedition that it 
 should continue this style of locomotion right on 
 until we came to the banks of the Rhine ; thence 
 we should proceed along the river's alleged course 
 through Germany into Switzerland, and on until 
 we discovered its true source. Then we would 
 travel on through Italy until we reached the south- 
 ern coast of Europe at Venice. 
 
 I was induced to divulge the secret of this proj- 
 ect to the few who shared my sufferings in crossing 
 the ocean, and they could hardly wait until they 
 got around on the opposite side of the cabin to 
 smile their smile. They said the thing couldn't 
 be done at that season of the year ; but, with the 
 enthusiasm characteristic of great men, I believed 
 it could be done — and then I looked down at my 
 cunningly moulded legs. Obstacles act as an in- 
 spiration to true genius, and their words of dis- 
 couragement had a like effect on me ; and I 
 recalled an immortal passage in our national 
 history : " Pike's Peak, or bust ! ' 
 
 The idea of starting out on 
 
 A PURPOSE OF ^ 
 
 ASTOUNDING oRiGi- foot to cross a continent in these 
 
 NAl.ITY. 
 
 days of quick transit may appear 
 a little crazy. The object of this Expedition was 
 
44 Four Centuries After 
 
 discovery — not the discovery of the latest novel, 
 nor additions to the guide-book, but the discovery 
 of the source of a great river, the tribes inhabiting 
 her shores, their great faults and microscopic vir- 
 tues — and whoever heard of a really great discov- 
 erer carrying on his researches by steam ? It 
 would have been economy of time and cash to 
 have gone by rail or steamboat, but in all great 
 and noble undertakings economy should be a 
 secondary consideration. As I have intimated, a 
 man may travel by rail or boat a long, long way 
 and discover nothing outside the covers of his 
 book ; but how far would he travel on foot while 
 peering into a book ? Should he attempt the last- 
 mentioned feat, he would soon make a discovery 
 which would be startling, if not unique. On the 
 second day out, while examining a map in our 
 guide-book en route, the Expedition stepped into 
 a canal. This misplaced confidence in our guide- 
 book delayed the Expedition for half an hour or so, 
 while it wrung the canal out of its socks and made 
 a few observations in well-chosen, forceful words. 
 No ; don't go hustling through a country by 
 steam, if you wish to discover something beyond 
 what you could have looked up in your library at 
 home. 
 
 XI 
 
 ONE MISFIT LAN- ' Wc passcd thc first night out 
 
 .GUAGE. from Amsterdam at the small 
 
 town of Abcoude — ^and here I began to appreciate 
 
 what a jolly time one may have in Darkest Europe 
 
Four Centuries After 45 
 
 with one misfit language, an empty stomach, and 
 no place to lay one's head. I speak Columbian, 
 my native tongue, only. It occurred to me at an 
 early "age that it takes a pretty clever linguist to 
 tell what he knows, along with what he thinks 
 he knows, in even one tongue, and I promised 
 myself that the first language I would attempt 
 to master should be — not the American Menu 
 language so many of our countrymen affect, 
 but the one in which our Declaration of Inde- 
 pendence was couched, and in which we sing our 
 national hymn and lisp our mother's name. I 
 adhered to this resolution ; it sounded very noble 
 and lofty at home, but there is a hollow ring about 
 it when recited in some parts of Europe. I met 
 more than one of our countrymen in the wilds of 
 Europe who claimed they could converse with 
 almost any of the European tribes, but I found 
 that they could hardly make their immediate 
 wants known in their mother tongue. I was at 
 first inclined to treat them scornfully, but after 
 a time I learned to have a sneaking respect for 
 their linguistic accomplishment. 
 SHE LOVES A WAG- I was surprlscd to find that, of 
 OF THE TONGUE. thc Amcrlcan linguists abroad, the 
 women are the most versatile — I might say auda- 
 cious ; they seem to think nothing of attempting 
 to master a foreign tongue, although we know 
 (don't we ?) that those who master their own 
 tongues are a shining mark, and pass among men 
 at par, while in rare instances they are even 
 quoted at a premium. 
 
46 Four Centuries After 
 
 PERSONATING THE Somctimes my one boasted 
 
 GLAM. language, my polyglot, and my 
 
 large and somewhat comprehensive stock of gest- 
 ures, all failed to make my wants known. Then 
 the words of Thomas a Kempis would strike me 
 in a new light : " It is easier not to speak a word 
 at all, than not to speak more words than you 
 should." I found it easy alike to forbear speaking 
 the word and to leave off at the proper time — be- 
 fore I had committed some false orthodoxy. But 
 his advice, " Seek a convenient time to retire into 
 thyself," was very timely called to mind. I feel 
 that I have retired — I have gone in for the season. 
 In this shut-in condition I am prone to commune 
 with myself ; but I find that it is possible for one 
 to get just a little weary with one's self and feel as 
 though one would like to try transmigration of 
 the soul, or even a brief commune with a jackass. 
 At Abcoude I had my first 
 
 THE JINGLE OF •' 
 
 GOLD A UNIVERSAL Icssott In gcstlcu lat lu g. At the 
 
 LANGUAGE. Jj^^J^ J^^^^J J ^^.-^J ^^ ^^^^ j_}^gj^ 
 
 understand that I wanted something to eat and a 
 place to sleep. They could not see it. Then I 
 jingled a little gold. At this, the Dutchman 
 pricked up his ears, manifested other symiptoms of 
 comprehension, and, at last, he spoke ! He moved ! 
 He motioned me to a chair ; then, turning to a 
 youngster who had been taking an inventory of our 
 outfit, he said something which started the young 
 Dutchman off at a pace that threatened to leave 
 his wooden shoes behind. A few moments later 
 the boy returned, accompanied by a young man 
 
Four Centuries After 47 
 
 about sixteen years of age. This linguist had 
 evidently been boasting that he could speak Eng- 
 lish, doubtless feeling confident that the deception 
 would never find him out in this little town. 
 With a confidence that from the first began to 
 go out, he proceeded to interview the Expedition. 
 He made a pathetic failure of it at the outset. I 
 reached into our bag and drew forth a pencil and 
 scrap of paper, and printed thereon : " Do you 
 speak Columbian, or English as it is called in 
 Europe .? " He took the pencil and paper and 
 wrote, " Understand I English," and handed it to 
 me with a nod of the head. And thus we carried 
 on quite a conversation, although he took great 
 pains to transpose the words in his sentences. I 
 learned from him that he had acquired his knowl- 
 edge of English at a school in Amsterdam where 
 they both wrote and spoke it. He said that I 
 didn't speak or write it as they did in Amsterdam. 
 I told him that was owing to a defect in my early 
 training. I wanted to tell him that the way he 
 constructed an English sentence reminded me of 
 a little game that flourished in America about the 
 time roller skating was introduced. The game 
 consisted in placing fifteen little cubes of wood in 
 a box made just to contain them so that they 
 would read in numerical order from one to fifteen. 
 Now, while it was simple enough to see the order 
 the little blocks should take, they would persist 
 in resolving themselves into some such order as 
 " thirteen, fifteen, fourteen," thereby causing much 
 profanity and not a little insanity. 
 
48 Four Centuries After 
 
 XII 
 
 When it came bedtime, I fol- 
 
 THE EXPEDITION ' 
 
 ENCOUNTERS A DUTCH lowccl OUT llOSteSS tO E TOOm 
 
 ^^°' whicli I found, by the Ught of 
 
 one candle power, to contain a bed and wash- 
 stand and a single chair. The bare walls were 
 relieved by lithographs of King William III., of 
 our Saviour, and the Virgin Mary. I undressed 
 and proceeded to open up the bed ; first I turned 
 back a thin linen spread, under which I found 
 what I took to be a feather mattress. I at once 
 thought that the maid had made an awful mistake 
 — had inverted the order of bedding very much as 
 my interpreter of the evening had constructed his 
 English sentences. A further search disclosed 
 two coarse, but clean, linen counterpanes, and 
 beneath these, another feather-bed. This was the 
 unique order in which the various articles of bed- 
 ding presented themselves. 
 
 However, the Expedition 
 
 LIGHT AND ELUSIVE. 1 • 1 
 
 crawled ui between the two coun- 
 terpanes, and, after the fatigue of the day's tramp, 
 was soon asleep. Dreams that followed, after a 
 time took on fantastic forms. The Expedition 
 shaped its course to the Arctic region, where it 
 lay down to sleep on the north side of an iceberg. 
 The iceberg exchanged its frigidity for the animal 
 heat of the sleeper. The Expedition awoke to find 
 itself still in a Dutch bed. That side of the body 
 that had been lying in contact with an iceberg was 
 uppermost, and an investigation showed that the 
 
Four Centuries After 49 
 
 feathers contained in the mattress covering the 
 occupant of the bed, with a quietness and stealthi- 
 ness characteristic of the Arab, had stolen away 
 to either side of the Expedition, leaving its upper 
 side covered with nothing but three thicknesses of 
 linen. 
 
 As the feathers in this tick were not confined to 
 any part of their envelope, they chose, with alrhost 
 the alacrity of quicksilver, to follow the law of 
 gravitation, which carried them into the side of 
 the tick, leaving in their stead the two walls 
 of the tick and the shivering Explorer. The oc- 
 cupant of the bed might, with the persistence of 
 an ant, lug the feathers to the place where they 
 would do the most good, but with little benefit 
 beyond the animal heat engendered by the effort. 
 This was the first of many nights passed in an 
 effort to poise recreant feathers on the upper side 
 of the Expedition. Occasionally we would dis- 
 cover a bed covered with a tick that was " fuller 
 than a tick," to use an American expression — a 
 tick so full that there wasn't room in the sides for 
 the feathers to slink to. Then, unless the night 
 were very cold, the Expedition would take a sweat 
 whether it really needed it or not. 
 
 XIII 
 
 WE MEET A FAMOUS Toward uoou of the following 
 
 "tramp." (jg^y^ while stopping at a wayside 
 
 inn for a drink of water (yes, water !), we had the 
 
 good fortune to fall in with Mr. L. C. Dudock de 
 
 4 
 
5° Four Centuries After 
 
 W , a " tramp " of world-wide fame. Mr. de 
 
 W at once appreciated the dignity of the Ex- 
 pedition, and invited us to accompany him to his 
 country home near by. We did so, and found it 
 to be a thoroughly equipped museum, literally 
 filled with curiosities gathered in the four quarters 
 of the globe ; but the showing from America was 
 the most complete, as well as the most interesting. 
 He was building a museum in the grounds near 
 his home to receive his collection, which he had 
 named " America." As he is a man of means he 
 is quite able to support such a "fad," besides 
 keeping up an establishment in Amsterdam. 
 
 While we sat chatting at lunch we heard a rat- 
 tling at a casement. Looking up, we saw a small 
 pony rubbing his nose against the sash. Our host 
 went out, and in a moment returned accompanied 
 by the pony, who walked in over the rich carpet 
 covering the floor with as much composure as one 
 who had passed his life in the drawing-room. He 
 wore his master's silk hat tilted jauntily on one 
 side of his head, and performed several tricks, for 
 which he was rewarded with a few apples. Mr. 
 
 de W gave the Expedition some good advice 
 
 regarding the life of a tramp, and his book de- 
 scriptive of his travels. I found the book very 
 interesting ; it was profusely illustrated with most 
 appropriate lithographs, and was written in clear 
 and flowing Low Dutch. When about to peruse 
 it I have to examine the pictures critically to make 
 sure I have the book right side up. As I am very 
 sensitive, I should feel it keenly if any one should 
 
Four Centuries After 51 
 
 detect me in the act of perusing a book on travels 
 bottom side up. It would convey the impression 
 that I was simply reviewing the book. I under- 
 stand that as a rule it doesn't much matter if both 
 the book and reviewer are bottom side up, as the 
 degree of bitterness conveyed in the criticism de- 
 pends upon the attitude toward the author of the 
 establishment paying the reviewer for acting as a 
 sort of figure-head in the " reviewing " department. 
 However, this may be a mistake ; I hope so, at 
 least, as I may have to pass through the ordeal, 
 and I wish to pass on merit alone. 
 
 Mr. de W also presented us with a pedom- 
 eter, so that we might know the exact number of 
 steps we took in a day. This ingenious little 
 equivocator takes note of backward steps as well 
 as those carrying us right ahead in the path of 
 rectitude, and occasionally aside into beer-saloons. 
 
 MUCH STANDING BE- Mr. dc W gavc it as his 
 
 GETS CORNS. opluiou that the Expedition would 
 
 have little difficulty in making its way through 
 the dominions of the various tribes along our 
 course, so long as the enterprise did not assume a 
 war-like attitude. He advised us to keep in am- 
 bush while pointing the camera at the natives, as 
 an unguarded movement on our part might pre- 
 cipitate war — ^and Europe, he intimated, was lan- 
 guishing for war ; the war correspondent was 
 losing his personality, and the standing army had 
 stood around until it had acquired corns on its 
 feet. This was sad news indeed, yet what a glori- 
 ous opportunity for a chiropodist ! 
 
52 Four Centuries After 
 
 XIV 
 
 WE ATTEND A HORSE Wc rcachcd Ufrccht in time to 
 ^'^'^'^- attend a horse fair. It had all 
 
 the features of Miss Bonheur's celebrated " Horse 
 Fair," besides a few interesting figures which her 
 canvas does not contain ; and, too, there was more 
 vitality in this picture. There was a very fine 
 showing of horses, and an evident attempt to 
 show off every horse to the best advantage. Both 
 man and beast made a very interesting study that 
 required no knowledge of the Dutch language to 
 appreciate. 
 
 On the afternoon of the 4th we reached the 
 first natural elevated ground, and then our way 
 led through the artificial pine forests ; the wind 
 went soughing through their deep, sullen shade, 
 and now and then they would emit a sigh that 
 seemed as if it might have emanated from a lost 
 soul. 
 
 XV 
 
 WE HAIL THE FLYING EvBr slncc thc Expcditlon dis- 
 DUTCHMAN. cmbarkcd at Amsterdam we had 
 
 kept our weather eye open (as we mariners ex- 
 press it) for the Flying Dutchman ; but we had 
 about relinquished all hopes of hailing him, when, 
 as the Expedition went trudging gayly along the 
 highway this afternoon, he hove in sight. He had 
 left his ship (owing, doubtless, to the dreary aspect 
 of the Cape of Good Hope since the opening of 
 the Suez Canal), and was navigating a low, one- 
 
Four Centuries After 53 
 
 horse rig, like that used by a drayman. When we 
 first sighted him he was dead ahead, making just 
 sufficient headway for steerage. As he saw us, 
 and recognized our colors, he at once manifested 
 a Hvely interest in our rakish appearance, the cut 
 of our jib, and many other points a true sailor 
 promptly appreciates ; and from the first he kept 
 his head craned our way, giving his nag entire 
 rein. This was the serene run of things, when the 
 horse espied a road leading at a right angle by an 
 abrupt descent from the one he was pursuing. 
 We don't know whether it was the Dutchman, his 
 horse, or pure Providence alone that shaped the 
 course of the craft into and down this path lead- 
 ing to the right and destruction. We do know, 
 however, that the whole outfit did take that direc- 
 tion and that they soon struck a spanking breeze. 
 
 HE SPREAD HIS Thc suddcu shifting of 'their 
 
 PINIONS. course, evidently unexpected by 
 
 the Captain, caused him to go by the board and 
 down the hill in a winged way that at once dissi- 
 pated all doubts as to his identity. We see him 
 now — in a sort of vision — flying through space, 
 with legs and arms spread out after the style of a 
 flying squirrel. 
 
 The horse, oh, where is he ? He, the last flying 
 glimpse we had of him, was making, or reducing 
 a glorious record ; and the craft, after the 
 approved fashion of a phantom ship, was sailing 
 away with no crew in sight, guided by an unseen 
 hand ; and thus she passed from our sight. 
 Next ! 
 
54 Four Centuries After 
 
 WE DROP A TEAR IN 
 THE RHINE. 
 
 XVI 
 
 Nine o'clock on the morning 
 of November 5th, our route has 
 brought us to the bank of a river seemingly of 
 considerable importance. The sun is shining 
 brightly, and the surface of the water is as placid 
 as the typical June morning. Out toward the 
 middle of the stream, a sloop goes drifting by 
 with the sluggish current. Anon, the veering cur- 
 rent carries her a little off her course, when a faint 
 breeze swings her listless sails wearily from side 
 to side. A wreath of smoke from her cabin slowly 
 ascends, and then goes trailing on behind. Every 
 detail of this passing scene is sharply reproduced 
 on the surface of the water. Very distant sound 
 the tinkling cow-bells from across the water, and 
 the clatter of wooden shoes announces the passage 
 of children on their way to school. 
 
 What river is this ? I get out our map and com- 
 pass and what not, and proceed to make obser- 
 vations. Yes, this is the Rhine ! — the classical 
 Rhine, guided by whose shores we are to trace the 
 rise and fall of a mighty river. Here the chief of 
 the Expedition brushes away a tear, presses the 
 button of our Kodak, " turns the key once around, 
 pulls the cord as far as it will go," replaces the. 
 camera in its black morocco carrying case, and 
 the cavalcade moves on. The Rhine, while in the 
 Dutchman's domain, loiters along between shores 
 that are far apart and which never rise to an im- 
 posing height. This slow pace just suits the 
 
Fou7- Centuries After 55 
 
 temperament of the Dutchman. It would annoy 
 him to see a river go scurrying by. I understand 
 that she (the Rhine) had to promise not to ex- 
 ceed a given velocity before she could secure the 
 right of way through the Dutch Republic. She 
 at first threatened to force her way and carry on 
 very much as she did while with the light-hearted 
 Swiss, when Mynheer warned her that she must 
 proceed quietly and at a pace suited to the habits 
 of the people she had fallen in with ; to which she 
 is recorded as having rejoined, with considerable 
 spirit, "Well, I'll be dammed if I do ! "—meaning, 
 I presume, that in any event the Dutchman would 
 limit the spread of her career with dams. Such 
 dialogues are highly elating to a third party, who is 
 sure to put the worst possible construction on the 
 import of the discussion. 
 
 XVII 
 
 THAT REMINDS To-day, Novcmbcr 5th, while 
 
 ^^- ' in fifty-two degrees north lati- 
 
 tude and about five degrees and thirty minutes 
 east longitude, while trudging gayly along, we 
 discovered something in the air that called up 
 by-gone memories. No ; it was not the fragrance 
 of new-mown hay. What could it be? We got 
 out our map, and found that the Province of Lim- 
 burg lay just south of us. Could it be that this 
 state was out for an airing? A vivid imagination 
 will grasp at anything in an emergency, and it 
 may be that our suspicion was fanciful as well as 
 
56 Four Centuries After 
 
 unjust ; but, in the absence of means whereby to 
 trace the true source, the fact remained that our 
 " old factories " were badly offended, if not out- 
 raged. 
 
 XVIII 
 
 WE BID FAREWELL TO 
 THE DUTCHMAN. 
 
 We are about to leave the land 
 of Dams and Van Dykes. We 
 shall go with some regret. We have become 
 somewhat attached to the Dutchman and his 
 country ; the excellent roads, lined by endless 
 avenues of magnificent trees — avenues that seem 
 like looking through the wrong end of the tele- 
 scope, and through which embowered shade the 
 sunlight sifts across our path ; the neatly kept 
 country (too neat to be picturesque) ; the scrupu- 
 lously clean — almost painfully clean — homes, with 
 their lawns, whose shrubbery is of too symmetrical 
 a pattern ; the ribbons of water everywhere shim- 
 mering in the sunlit landscape, all go to make up 
 a picture of thrift and neatness I shall always 
 carry with me. 
 
 And the Dutchman, with his gruff manners, his 
 want of polish — I forgive him all, even for not 
 raising his hat and removing his pipe when he 
 grunts good-morning in his guttural Low Dutch. 
 I can understand this — I can understand why he 
 rarely gets enthusiastic. His never-ending battle 
 to keep his head above water explains all, and is 
 in itself an appeal to oui generosity and sense of 
 justice. 
 
PART III 
 
 WE INVADE THE GER- I 3111 tolcl that wc wIll liavc to 
 MAN EMPIRE. intervicw the German Ju Ju men, 
 or High Priests, at Elten, a little town just across 
 the border. We marched through the town over 
 a cobblestone pavement (which nearly sprained 
 the ankles of the Expedition) to the railroad sta- 
 tion, where we offered to submit to the inspector. 
 But the customs ofificials refused to understand 
 our appeal, or were afraid to open up our outfit. 
 They probably never saw an expedition on foot 
 before. Fearing that if we prolonged the inter- 
 view we might be mistaken for a diabolical crank, 
 we moved on. 
 
 And thus it came to pass that the Expedition 
 invaded the German Empire without being chal- 
 lenged. We might have smuggled a whole box of 
 cigars, a bottle of Florida water, and a case of 
 liquor or of small-pox into the empire with impu- 
 nity ; but you can never feel quite sure when they 
 will take a notion to open you up and look way to 
 the false bottom, and even beyond. 
 
58 Four Centuries After 
 
 II 
 
 THOSE ARTIFICIAL, During our first day in the Ger- 
 
 UNLETTERED FORESTS, nian Empirc we passed through 
 many miles of artificial forest. These artificial 
 forests are too artificial to please the eye of a 
 lover of the picturesque in nature ; artifice is ever 
 painfully evident ; trees placed with geometrical 
 exactness, their trunks scrupulously clean of limbs 
 to just such a height ; the ground underneath well 
 kept, and as free from litter as a city lawn. How 
 I did want to see a few fallen trees at various 
 angles of declension ; a stump here and there ; 
 possibly a primitive squirrel-trap placed invitingly 
 somewhere in the background ; a clump of dark- 
 girdled birch-trees, with their bark hanging in tat- 
 ters, one tree bearing a set of rudely carved initials 
 pointing to an oft-told tale ! 
 
 Ill 
 
 A WOMAN AT THs All along our route they are 
 
 PLOUGH. gg|.^jj^g. jj-^ i-j^gjj. f^ii ploughing. 
 
 It is not an unusual treat to see a woman guiding 
 the plough. A woman's natural curiosity leads 
 her to " look back " occasionally ; aside from this 
 fault, she seems to turn the furrow with as nice 
 dexterity as the average ploughman. It is doubt- 
 ful if the same woman v/ould " execute " the 
 piano with the same facility that she does the 
 plough. She would substitute staccato for grace 
 notes, and bring in too many accidentals to charm 
 
Four Centuries After 59 
 
 _ -, 
 
 the ear of the Muse. But you may not expect to 
 find all the virtues in one woman. 
 
 We saw a combination to-day that caused the 
 Expedition to lean against the fence and laugh. 
 It was a ploughing scene. The plough was being 
 drawn by a sedate cow and a coquettish jackass. 
 A woman had the plough in charge, while a man 
 plodded alongside the traction engine, cracking a 
 whip and conversing with the trio in High Dutch. 
 He was a man of powerful build, and could get 
 more crack out of his whip than any living clown. 
 The cow and woman took his bluster calmly, but 
 the jackass would shy at every explosion, wag his 
 ears, switch his tail, and take a sort of " hop- 
 slide-step." Once we noticed him reach out with 
 his nigh hind foot as though feeling for some 
 occult thing. 
 
 I wondered why the man didn't sit on the fence 
 and crack his whip. The whip would have been 
 effective the length of a furrow, and sitting on the 
 fence would have been less fatiguing. 
 
 After the first shock, this picture made me feel 
 sad. The arrangement was so peculiar, the sit- 
 ting (so to speak) so inartistic. How the pride of 
 the jackass must have been humiliated, how his 
 sensitive nature must have been pained ! How 
 the dignity of the man must have been lowered, 
 his patience tried ! Could you blame the cow if 
 she refused to "give down " her milk that even- 
 ing? Then there was the woman — alas! of the 
 quartette she sensed the want of poetry in this 
 pastoral scene the least. 
 
6o Four Centuries After 
 
 AND STILL ANOTHER 111 ffly youngcr days L enter- 
 picTURE SHATTERED, tallied 501116 poctlc notioii of the 
 laborer's life in the field, toiling by the side of a 
 woman — his sister, or some one else's sister ; the 
 refining influence of such association ; how a 
 glance of the eye and a box on the ears would 
 make the day slip by. Alas ! the tuberose and 
 the primrose belong pot to the rose ; the silver 
 lining of the clouds is not silver ; and we are told 
 that the Devil is not as black as he is painted, even 
 if he have an existence at all. 
 
 I have seen the woman in the field, and I find 
 that she is not necessarily " a joy forever," and she 
 is rarely a " thing of beauty," either physically or 
 mentally — that is, according to our exalted stand- 
 ard — in the girl we left behind us. She doesn't 
 look like a girl you would like to " fool with." 
 Her face wears an habitual expression of passive 
 earnestness, and although the. gray matter of her 
 brain may be wanting in thickness, her biceps 
 are well developed, and she wouldn't cry, " Stop 
 now ! " many times before she would respond to 
 your suit in a way that would nearly make your 
 heels break your neck. A few such responses 
 would discourage the most ardent suitor. 
 WE ADORE A WOMAN No doubt " naturc is in earnest 
 BY OUR FIRESIDE. whcn shc makcs a woman!" 
 " Yes," we should expect a German to rejoin, "and 
 what is nature's mood when she is making a tad- 
 pole ? " And practically he says, because he is 
 a " man that is born of a woman," he isn't going 
 to repine. No, he will defy the penalty ; he will 
 
Four Centuries After 6i 
 
 smoke his pipe, and crack his whip, and see that 
 woman (who brings man into the world for a brief 
 sojourn that shall be " full of trouble ") shall be 
 humiliated ; shall be made to realize the enormity 
 of her sins ; as his wife she shall be his mistress 
 and his nurse, but not his companion ; she shall 
 be made to toil until her hard-lined face speaks 
 not of a soul ; and when he comes to close her 
 eyes and fold her toil-worn hands across her 
 breast, his solace shall be, " It was not my fault 
 that I was born of a woman ! " 
 
 IV 
 Toward the evenino;- of Novem- 
 
 HOW THE SOLDIER 
 
 HELPS THE FARMER bcr 9th thc Expcdltion encoun- 
 " DRILL." tered a squad of German caval- 
 
 rymen. Our first impression on seeing them was 
 that the German Army had been notified of our 
 approach and had sent out a reconnoitring party ; 
 but when nearly abreast of us they wheeled to 
 their right and easily cleared a fence that an 
 unruly bull would not have attempted to vault. 
 They started at full tilt across recently ploughed 
 fields, newly seeded meadow-land, and over divi- 
 sion fences, high or low, as though they were in 
 pursuit of the very devil, or the tail end of the 
 French Army. By watching their movements for 
 a few moments we discovered that they were in 
 quest of a purely imaginary foe : they were drill- 
 ing, as the result in the soft, damp soil plainly 
 proved. Wherever they went the soil was thor- 
 
62 Foitr Centuries After 
 
 oughly drilled full of holes from one to three inches 
 deep, and the way the mud flew would have put 
 a steam-dredge to shame. I have a very limited 
 knowledge of farming, but the question at once 
 arose in my mind : " Is it pure farm ethics to 
 promiscuously include newly seeded and old mead- 
 ows in this drilling process ? " And, so near as I 
 can ascertain, the farmer's opinion is not called 
 for, and if offered, is entirely ignored. It may be 
 that a man qualified for the German Army and 
 Navy is supposed to know what treatment farm 
 land requires to insure a bountiful harvest. 
 WE APPROACH A FOR- An inspcctlon of our map 
 TiFiED TOWN. showcd that we were somewhere 
 in the vicinity of Wesel, a fortified town, and as 
 we ascended a slight elevation we heard a medley 
 of discordant sounds that in some way reminded 
 me of a disturbed hornet's nest. It was the blare 
 of trumpets, near and far, open and smothered. 
 This was to be the Expedition's first experience 
 with a real fortified town, and it was with consid- 
 erable trepidation and a measured tread that we 
 advanced toward her drawbridge. Should we be 
 able to take the town by strategy ? Or would we 
 have to unstrap our ram and make a slight breach 
 in the walls, and then sit around and negotiate a 
 bloodless evacuation of the town ? Occasionally 
 we would encounter a sentinel, who would eye us 
 suspiciously, as though he thought we might have 
 a concealed purpose or infernal machine about 
 our person. We expected at any moment to hear 
 one of these guards call (in the language of the 
 
Four Centuries After d^^ 
 
 German), " Halt, and give the countersign ! " 
 This would have perplexed us very much, as we 
 had neglected to buy a stock when we crossed the 
 frontier, and an American countersign might not 
 be current, even at a discount, in Germany. But 
 by wearing a foolish look (which we carry for 
 such occasions), we succeeded in reaching the 
 drawbridge without any serious mishap. This 
 drawbridge spans a real moat — not one of those 
 minute particles that get into your eye and look 
 and feel as large as a mountain, but a genuine 
 waterway. We found the bridge (which had the 
 chain-hoisting attachment in place) still down ; 
 and before the guards, who stood on either side 
 with muskets in hand, suspected our purpose, we 
 had reached it and crossed it and were passing the 
 outer gate. After we had gotten fairly across the 
 bridge we expected to see it flip up at any moment 
 — like the door of a rat trap — and hear the guard 
 exclaim " Ah, ha ! " But, to our consternation, 
 the bridge remained down, and the guards said 
 nothing, although they scanned us pretty closely, 
 as though to estimate our fighting capacity. 
 
 So we passed through the gate, without being 
 challenged, into the town. This gate is not of 
 the wicket kind which the young people are said 
 to fondly lean over and say— from once to a dozen 
 times at a sitting — " Good-night, dear—! — ! — (?) " 
 We know from hearsay only, and it may be that 
 this is not exactly what they say and do over a 
 wicket gate during the month of June. Be that 
 as it may, this gate is not one of those picturesque 
 
64 Four Centuries After 
 
 wicket gates ; it is a massive iron affair, well de- 
 signed to stay the progress of an invading army, 
 until the townspeople could slip into their armor 
 and have everything cocked and primed to re- 
 ceive invaders in a most ardent manner. 
 WHEN YOU COME TO Although thcy had gone to 
 THINK ABOUT IT. yj^g^- gxpcnsc to fortlfy against 
 the invasion of the soldier, we failed to see how 
 they were to keep out the inquisitive microbes or 
 bacteria, or how to effectually drive them out 
 when they once became residents of their town. 
 It seems as though a closely populated city, sur- 
 rounded on all sides by thick, high walls and a 
 ditch, would make a perfect incubator for certain 
 " breeds " of bacteria ; and it does seem as though 
 intelligent men ought to be better able to reason 
 with their aggressive fellow-men than with a war- 
 like host of microbes ; but, to our sorrow, we know 
 it is too true that man is his greatest foe, and that 
 he will often forsake his best interests to show his 
 neighbor how easily he can " do him up." 
 A SOLDIER MANUFAc- Ou looklug Wcscl ovcr, wc 
 TORY. ^j-,^ \\\2X her principal industry is 
 
 the manufacture of soldiers. The process is an 
 interesting one ; they take the crude material from 
 both town and country (where it is incubated and 
 gotten well under way), and at first put it through 
 a course of free exercises, which includes some 
 very comical exploits — in fact, nearly every per- 
 formance Hank and the boys used to delight in. 
 They are taught to put one foot consecutively 
 ahead of its fellow in " one, two, three " time. 
 
Four Centuries After 65 
 
 At first the feet act a little diffident and are liable 
 to become confused, but after a time the proper 
 foot comes to the front with a promptness and 
 precision that characterizes the movements of the 
 soldier,. Then they are taught how to shoot — not 
 how to "shoot the young idea" — but how to dis- 
 charge a musket loaded with a blank cartridge. 
 This is interesting and comparatively harmless. 
 Then, as positive evidence that they are the stuff 
 soldiers are made of, they make eyes at the girls 
 who are wont to hover about the barracks. 
 UNBOUNDED ADMiRA- On thc followiug momiug, we 
 
 TioN, AND yet! awokc for the first time in a forti- 
 fied town. The situation was not very peculiar 
 until we attempted to get out of this fortified 
 town. Now, we find it is one thing to get into a 
 fortified town, while it may be quite another thing 
 to get out. We doubt if a mouse gives much 
 thought about the ways and means of getting into 
 a trap ; it's the exit that perplexes his awaking 
 senses. The Expedition makes it an inflexible rule 
 to shape its course as directly through a town as 
 circumstances will permit and judgment guide. 
 The Expedition on this occasion started to carry 
 out this policy, but had not proceeded far when 
 the advance column came face to face with a 
 severely plain wall — no bas-relief ; indeed, there 
 seemed to have been no attempt at ornamentation. 
 
 We didn't like to inquire our way out for fear 
 
 of being misunderstood, if understood at all, so 
 
 we took the first street that promised to lead 
 
 directly at a right angle with the one that had 
 
 5 
 
66 Four Centuries After 
 
 carried us against the wall. This street very 
 kindly showed us a section .of the town we hadn't 
 seen before, and we began to get interested. This 
 street, too, unlike eternity, had an end, and its 
 end bore a striking resemblance to the end of the 
 other street ; the wall was no less compact, and 
 promised just as much security as it did at other 
 points of its circumference. This observation 
 tended to heighten the pleasure of the situation, 
 although we don't recall that any member of the 
 Expedition really laughed aloud on making these 
 unexpected observations. Here we halted and 
 consulted ourselves. We reasoned that if we took 
 another street to our right and at a right angle with 
 the one passed through last, our course, assuming 
 that the streets were straight (which it were pre- 
 sumptuous to presume), would be describing the 
 third side of a four-sided figure. I never give 
 much attention to geometry, but this incident 
 interested me at once, and I said : " Now is my 
 opportunity." We agreed that it was pretty ex- 
 tensive figure-drawing that comprehended a whole 
 town, but we concluded that the scheme was but 
 in keeping with the vast scope of the Expedition 
 generally, so we completed the third side of the 
 quadrangle. It is passing strange to relate that 
 this street also ended its career just as the others 
 had, and, on carefully taking our bearing, we 
 cheerfully struck out to complete the last side of 
 our proposition. We had gone but a short dis- 
 tance when our path led across a street that seemed 
 wonderfully familiar. We looked up the street to 
 
Four Centuries After 67 
 
 our left, and there, not more than a few yards 
 away, was the identical passage with the draw- 
 bridge in the vista ! 
 
 We'passed out into the sunlight, and had very 
 little trouble in shaping a course around a city we 
 had failed to get through. 
 
 Now, from a vast experience with fortified cities, 
 we are prepared to formulate this rule : In travel- 
 ling along the highway, should you find the con- 
 tinuity of said highway broken by a fortified town, 
 your most direct way through said town is to go 
 around it. There may be some of the elements of 
 a paradox in this statement, but to fully appreci- 
 ate its beauty the prejudiced one should ignore 
 its teachings and endeavor to take a direct course 
 through the class of enclosures in question. 
 
 V 
 
 THE MODERN SCHOOL Wc fiud Dusseldorf a handsome 
 OF PAINTING. (,jj.y Qf rather modern appear- 
 
 ance. During our sojourn in this city — a sojourn 
 the length of which did not warrant our becoming 
 a citizen — we spent most of our time studying the 
 new school of painting. We liked the new school 
 in this, that it shows less partiality for the Virgin 
 Mary, our Saviour, and the Saints, than the Old 
 Masters did. These subjects are unquestionably 
 worthy of the artist's highest conception and great- 
 est skill, which does not imply that an artist should 
 devote a life-time to them. An artist — an artist, 
 not a machine — can teach a wholesome lesson in 
 
68 Four Centuries After 
 
 the face of a mortal as well as that of our Saviour. 
 The face of a saint is not understood by all the 
 unredeemed to whom the artist would teach a 
 lofty lesson. 
 
 VI 
 Great travellers have been 
 
 THE APPARENT IRREG- 
 ULARITY OF THE SUN's known to start out after a 
 
 MOVEMENTS. iilght's Tcposc aud retrace their 
 
 steps of the previous day. To avoid such an 
 unprofitable departure, I have made it a rule, 
 as soon as we break camp in the morning, to go 
 to the bank of the Rhine and cast a chip therein, 
 and, noting the course it takes, examine our com- 
 pass and then look for the sun. 
 
 People who have spent their lives in a city 
 (where they go to bed about the time the inde- 
 pendent farmer gets up to make hay) will tell you 
 that the sun rises in the east. If you ask them 
 where they got their information, they will tell you 
 they were taught the simple truth at school, and 
 they will frankly own that they never saw the 
 morning sun much below the zenith. They will 
 also tell you that the Rhine rises somewhere in 
 Switzerland, and, flowing pretty directly north, 
 empties into the North Sea. 
 
 Now, we have discovered that an awful mistake 
 has been entertained. We have seen the sun get- 
 ting up on the east bank of the Rhine, and on the 
 following morning we have detected him boldly 
 rising on the opposite bank. This phenomenon at 
 first startled me beyond measure, but I soon re- 
 
Four Centuries After 69 
 
 covered my composure and set about investigat- 
 ing what seemed to be a new departure on the 
 part of our luminary. " Can it be," I soliloquized, 
 " that Emperor William — or Billy Hohenzollern, as 
 he is familiarly called — to inspire his subjects with 
 due respect, has caused the sun to make its morn- 
 ing debut on the western confines of the German 
 Empire ?" I have felt that such a change in the 
 divine schedule of our planetary and solar system 
 were possible if the emperor's indigestion willed 
 it ; but I looked for at simpler explanation of this 
 startling phenomenon. I took out our compass, 
 rubbed the configurations of my head thought- 
 fully, and then it dawned on me that the Rhine 
 does not pursue a geometrically straight course 
 due north — its course is much like that traced by 
 the typical small schoolboy on his way " direct " 
 to and from the seat of learning. 
 
 VII 
 
 OUR VOLUNTEER At DusscMorf the question 
 
 GUIDE. arose whether it were better to 
 
 follow the many windings of this river — whether it 
 were not humiliating for so noble an enterprise to 
 be tracing every deviation of so capricious a stream. 
 Its appearance on our map at this point reminds 
 me of the antics of an angleworm when it feels 
 the point of a fish-hook ; it squirms about in a 
 frightful manner ; and I decided to take as direct 
 a route as I could find leading to Cologne. With 
 this object in view, I asked an intelligent party 
 
7° Four Centuries After 
 
 standing by, my most direct way out of town. As 
 he stood pointing the way I should take, a young, 
 good-natured appearing fellow came up and gave 
 me to understand that he was going my way and 
 would be pleased to join me. I accepted his 
 kind offer in language evidently just as vaguely 
 comprehensive to him as his proposition had been 
 to me, and we fell into line and struck out for 
 Cologne, our volunteer guide, with a martial air, 
 in advance of the Expedition. 
 HE TREATED US AT Our coursc out of the city had 
 MY EXPENSE. ^ grcat ffiauy angles in it, and 
 
 before we had gone far our guide piloted the Ex- 
 pedition into a saloon, under the implied pretence 
 that he wanted to make sure of the route we 
 should take. He interviewed the man at the bar, 
 evidently became satisfied that he was quite right 
 in his bearings, then he invited the Expedition to 
 take a drink of beer with him, after which he 
 showed me how much I should pay the man be- 
 hind the bar. Just as we were about to leave the 
 suburbs of the town and pursue our course into 
 the open country, our guide, to make sure doubly 
 sure, turned into another saloon to chat with the 
 man behind the bar ; and again, with the most per- 
 fect air of good-fellowship, he treated himself and 
 the Expedition to beer, at my expense. I began to 
 appreciate his liberality — he was helping me spend 
 my money. There are many people in this world 
 who have been so preoccupied in the getting of 
 wealth that they have neglected to acquire the art 
 of spending it. With them the art of paying out 
 
Four Centuries After 71 
 
 money for pleasure at first causes them pain in- 
 stead of bringing them pleasure ; some one has to 
 help them form the habit of spending money 
 before they derive any pleasure from their wealth. 
 DELUGED WITH BEER We stoppcd at cvcry town, big 
 AND ASSURANCE. ^nd Httle, along our route that 
 day, to make sure that we had not entered the 
 straight and narrow road that leads to destruction 
 instead of Cologne, and at every stop the guide 
 treated himself and the Expedition to beer, at my 
 expense. Dinner for two was likewise at my ex- 
 pense ; and it began to dawn upon me that even 
 the after laugh was at my expense. I dumbly 
 pleaded with him, tried to have him understand 
 that while a deluge of beer would not slake his 
 yearning thirst for assurance that our hegira was 
 in a bee-line, it might snarl our locomotion and 
 thus render the Expedition less expeditious. Find- 
 ing that my eloquence was lost on him, I submit- 
 ted to what seemed to be the inevitable ; and 
 when we reached Cologne I felt that my capacity 
 for beer was equal to that of the Heidelberg tun : 
 and while at one moment I was tempted to kick 
 our guiding star into a distant constellation, the 
 next moment his ingenious audacity inspired me 
 with unbounded admiration, and when we parted, 
 the latter emotion was uppermost. 
 
 VIII 
 
 THERE WAS SOME- 
 
 Of course, the objective point 
 THING BACK OF IT. of thc Expcdltiou at Cologne was 
 the Cathedral. Often as this edifice has been 
 
72 Pour Centuries After 
 
 described by travellers, I cannot recall that any 
 one has mentioned the man who meets you outside 
 and asks you if you have seen the miniature 
 cathedral, " the design after which the Cathedral 
 was built." This man should be mentioned in the 
 guide-book in upper-case type. He tells you that 
 this small cathedral is in a building near by and 
 that it will cost nothing to see it. This last infor- 
 mation is the tempting bait for the impecunious 
 explorer : a cathedral, big or little, which can be 
 seen without paying an admission fee, a fee to the 
 beadle, a fee for the privilege of ascending the 
 tower (no "ascension room American "), a fee to 
 get in the sacristy, and a fee to get out of the 
 cathedral — a cathedral that can be seen without 
 investing these fees, and maybe many more, should 
 be seen — this alone makes it a curiosity. 
 "HONESTY IS THE I thought that thcre was some- 
 
 BEST POLICY "-IF- thlug back of this generosity, and 
 I was curious to know just what it was. I found 
 the small cathedral in the shop of a Cologne 
 water merchant. He didn't succeed in effecting a 
 sale ; we had bought our stock of Cologne water ; 
 but the benevolent man who escorted me there 
 confidentially told me (his confidence in a perfect 
 stranger was touching), when he had me outside, 
 that he was " dead broke " financially ; that he 
 was in urgent want of the necessaries of life. I 
 asked him what he was in the greatest need of — 
 something to eat or something to drink. He told 
 me he was famishing for a drink. I gave him a 
 m^rk and told him to always stick to the truth, 
 
Four Centuries After 73 
 
 unless his victims should insist on being told that 
 he was sober and industrious and the father of a 
 large and crescent family, temporarily embar- 
 rassed. His little lie would make his embarrass- 
 ment evident. 
 
 IX 
 
 THE EXPLORER 
 
 Here, where a sunbeam rests 
 ENTERS THE GREAT upoH tHc floor, staiuiug the white 
 
 CATHEDRAL. , , -.i .1 1 
 
 marble with the many colors 
 borrowed from yon memorial window, the great 
 Explorer stops. Seemingly as in a dream, there is 
 borne to his ear on air fragrant with incense, the 
 soft, sibilant whisperings of devout worshippers 
 conning their morning prayer : now rising, now 
 falling, now receding until the ear scarce catches 
 what seems to be the dying echoes of ascending 
 supplications. From out a stillness there steal 
 the low notes of an organ — from afar they come, 
 they grow, they expand, until the great edifice is 
 flooded with one grand symphony and the heart 
 of the great Explorer is touched with tenderness 
 and love. 
 
 X 
 
 ELEVEN THOUSAND Wc also visitcd thc church of 
 
 virgins! ^]^g Eleven Thousand Virgins, 
 
 and in viewing the ghastly relics " adorning " the 
 walls of this edifice, I fell into a contemplative 
 mood — I often get that way — and the sad thought 
 forced itself upon me : " If to-day (in this i892d 
 year of our Lord) eleven thousand of Great Brit- 
 
74 Four Centuries After 
 
 ain's Virgins should make a pilgrimage to Rome, 
 and while returning be accosted by the Huns, or 
 any other of the Continental tribes, what would 
 be their fate ? Would one or two, following 
 human instincts, prove false to their vows, or 
 would they, one and all, choose a violent death 
 rather than submit to the advances of men not 
 actuated by religious fervor ? " 
 REASON DOESN'T AL- It IS wcll cuough to thlulc the 
 WAYS HELP US OUT. Hiattcr over, although we may 
 not feel at liberty to express an opinion. There 
 are some things we can easily understand, while 
 there are other things (Eternity, for example), for 
 obvious reasons, we cannot comprehend ; while 
 between these two extremes there lie questions 
 which the individual may not understand because 
 he is so constituted that he cannot understand 
 what may even appear self-evident to his neighbor. 
 
 XI 
 
 I AM TAKEN IN. 
 
 That evening at my hotel I 
 sought an unoccupied table in a 
 vacant corner, and had just called for a mug of 
 beer, when a young man approached and said : 
 "Your host tells me you are an American." 
 Here he handed me a card, continuing : ." Permit 
 me to introduce myself as a fellow-countryman. 
 I was told that you do not speak German fluently, 
 so I venture to ask you if I can in any way be of 
 service to you ? " 
 
 I admitted that I didn't speak German as fully 
 and freely as the flowing tide, and invited him to 
 
Four Centuries After 75 
 
 sit at my table and talk Columbian and drink beer 
 with me. He explained that he was attending a 
 course of lectures at the Academy, and, pointing 
 across the room to where four young men were 
 sitting at a table, smoking and drinking beer, con- 
 tinued : " Those are my fellow-students, who are 
 out with me for the evening ; we should be pleased 
 to have you join us." 
 
 We crossed to where the four students were sit- 
 ting, and I was introduced to the members of the 
 party, when more beer was called for ; then Amer- 
 ica and her institutions were referred to. After 
 a time, the student who first presented himself 
 turned to me and said : " It has been our custom 
 to meet nightly at this place at a later or earlier 
 hour of the evening ; and, while we drink our 
 beer and smoke our pipe, listen to the recital of a 
 personal experience by some one of the members 
 
 of our party. It falls to S to entertain us 
 
 this evening, and he was about to contribute 
 his experience in being 'buried alive,' when our 
 host pointed you out to us — would you care to 
 
 listen to S 's cheerful entertainment ? " 
 
 I replied that I had a morbid curiosity that 
 would be delighted to hear from a person who had 
 been buried, dead or alive. They all laughed at 
 this bit of conceit in a patronizing way, and after 
 we had emptied our mugs, and had them refilled, 
 our entertainer of the evening began : 
 A VOICE FROM THE " I havc an unpleasant recollec- 
 
 GRAVE. . tJQ^ Qf being warned at a very 
 
 early age that I should not enter into the more 
 
76 Four Centuries After 
 
 violent sports of my playmates ; that I would have 
 to be very quiet, and avoid all excitement. As 
 soon as I had reached the age of better under- 
 standing, our family physician tried to explain to 
 me that I was born with aneurismal diathesis — pre- 
 disposition to aneurism — a condition that rarely 
 develops in youth. He hoped that a nutritious 
 diet would build up a strong constitution to tide 
 over threatened danger ; but again cautioned me 
 that a moment's undue physical exertion or men- 
 tal excitement might terminate fatally. 
 
 " From that moment I was harassed with an 
 abiding fear that some thoughtless act of mine 
 might abruptly terminate my precarious career. 
 During my wakeful hours I could not follow a 
 train of thought long, could not apply my mind to 
 the most interesting study for any length of time, 
 without this fear of impending danger breaking in 
 on my quiet : and in my sleep my dreams were 
 constantly harassed with visions of a struggle 
 between life and death. I felt that this fear was 
 undermining my health, a feeling that seemed to 
 be shared by my family, although they tried to 
 conceal this from me. 
 
 " One bright June day, during my seventeenth 
 year, I went for a row on the lake ; and, its sur- 
 face being calm, I continued to pull leisurely out 
 from the shore, for the time forgetful that a storm 
 might possibly arise and render my return labori- 
 ous, if not impossible. When I had reached a 
 point, possibly two miles from nearest land, I felt 
 a slight breeze from landward, which warned me 
 
Four Centuries After 77 
 
 to turn about at once and pull for shore. I had 
 not gone far in that direction, however, when the 
 breeze had increased to such a degree that I could 
 make but very slow progress against it. It soon 
 became apparent to me that if I were ever to reach 
 shore it would be by an effort that I had been 
 warned never to make ; but I resolved to take the 
 chances in making a supreme effort to reach shore, 
 rather than allow myself to be blown out into the 
 lake to almost certain death from drowning. I 
 pulled until every muscle quivered — until my heart 
 beat so violently, a sense of suffocation came over 
 me. Nearly dead from fear and the great physical 
 exertion I had undergone, I at last felt the keel of 
 my boat grate oh the beach. I recollect that I got 
 up and staggered out of the boat, and then — a blank. 
 " The first glimmer of returning consciousness 
 which I can recall is associated with a sensation as 
 of awaking from an almost interminable sleep — a 
 cramped feeling, as though the voluntary muscles 
 of my whole body had not acted for many days. 
 I noticed that my respiration was very limited in 
 capacity and spasmodic in action ; and the feeling 
 of suffocation which had been my last sensation 
 on reaching the beach, long, long ago, was still 
 with me. I tried to move, but my muscles refused 
 to act. Not a ray of light entered my open eyes 
 — I was surrounded by a darkness that seemed al- 
 most tangible ; and my feeble senses asked, ' Where 
 am I — where are the faces of my family?' After 
 repeated efforts I succeeded in moving my hands. 
 I found that they had been lying crossed upon my 
 
78 Four Centuries After 
 
 breast ! Could it be ? The thought which I 
 hardly dared to entertain forced itself on me and 
 caused the perspiration to start and a sickening 
 sensation to come over me. The anguish caused 
 by the awful suspicion gave me strength, and I put 
 out my right hand. It was arrested above and at 
 the sides, and directly above my face it came in 
 contact with something, unmistakably glass ! The 
 most vivid imagination, assisted by the keenest 
 analysis of human emotion, will utterly fail to 
 more than fancy the sensation actually experi- 
 enced by me when I found beyond a doubt that 
 I was in my grave ! — in a casket that would 
 hardly permit me to turn over, it was so confining ; 
 and here I would have to lie and wait for death 
 to come by slow suffocation. Unconsciousness 
 again came mercifully to my mental relief." 
 
 Here the speaker (a spare, pale-faced man) 
 stopped talking for the first time since he began 
 his " entertainment," and drank from his mug of 
 beer. We had all been attentive listeners, and 
 when he raised his mug we mechanically did like- 
 wise, and, until the mugs were returned empty to 
 the table, not a word was spoken. Several of the 
 party then started to fill and light their pipes, as 
 though the speaker of the evening were through 
 with his entertainment ; but one who had seemed 
 more intensely interested than the others in the 
 recital, ventured to ask (as though something 
 were wanting* to make the story complete) : "Are 
 you going to leave yourself there in the grave, or 
 are you devising some means of getting out ? " 
 
Four Centuries After 79 
 
 Without sharing in the smile, that this query- 
 called forth from the other members of the party, 
 our " grave " friend took up the thread of his nar- 
 rative as though it had never been broken. 
 
 " And now, gentlemen, comes the strangest part 
 of the experience. I was afterward told that on 
 the day I ventured out on the lake, my family, 
 noting my absence, on the approach of the storm 
 went out in search of me. They found me lying 
 unconscious where I had fallen on the beach. 
 Brain fever ensued ; and my experience in the 
 grave was but the groping of my mind, although 
 it seemed as though an actual experience could 
 not have been more awfully real." 
 
 Here more beer was called for, and as it was 
 being drunk I was urged by all present to relate 
 an experience. I, of course, like the champion 
 orator, begged to be excused. But my plea was 
 of no avail, so I began : 
 
 THEN I PERPETRATE A "Gcntlemen" — and they were 
 FISH STORY. g^n attention — " gentlemen, as 
 
 your guest, I feel that I should not betray your 
 confidence by asking you to follow me to my 
 grave ; therefore, with your permission, I shall 
 ask you to go with me on a fishing excursion on 
 the St. Lawrence, to assist me in landing the 
 largest fish I ever caught." 
 
 " We are with you ! " they rejoined, as of one 
 voice. 
 
 " I had long thought to make my record as a 
 skilled fisherman, so on a promising morning a 
 few summers since I started out with the firm 
 
8o Four Centuries After 
 
 resolution that I would hang out till I caught a 
 fish that would be the talk of the season, even 
 though I had to miss my dinner in so doing. 
 During the fore part of the day I met with fair 
 success ; that is, I had several glorious strikes, 
 till along toward noon I felt a tug that warned 
 me to prepare for a battle ; I had hooked game, 
 and for the next half-hour I had my skill as an 
 angler thoroughly tested. Finally I got my fish 
 alongside the boat, and was on the point of gaff- 
 ing him when there was a violent commotion in 
 the water, a vicious yank at the line, a confused 
 picture of a monster fish that was making, while 
 you could say ' scat ! ' every motion a fish ever 
 made in or out of water, and then I reeled in my 
 line very easily. My fish had taken the bait and 
 a few feet of line as a fitting souvenir of his ex- 
 ploit. Like a wise fish, he was going prepared 
 with evidence of his 'narrow escape,' so as to 
 avoid trying the credulity of his fellows." 
 
 Here I stopped talking and raised my mug of 
 beer as though I had just come from my grave, 
 and was glad to drop the subject. But one of the 
 party wouldn't have it so ; he ventured to inquire : 
 " Well, what next ? " 
 
 "And now^ gentlemen," I resumed, as I turned 
 my gaze toward the ' grave ' entertainer, " comes 
 the strangest part of the experience. You all may 
 know that it wants a deal of courage to keep a 
 resolution on an empty stomach. When I fairly 
 recovered from my surprise and chagrin at the 
 abrupt exit of my fish, I was forcibly reminded 
 
Four Centuries After 8i 
 
 that my stomach was empty — as empty as my fish- 
 box ; and my resolution to * hang out ' was sUpping 
 away from me. At this moment, while the con- 
 test for supremacy between ray stomach and reso- 
 lution was still undecided, Chisamore Trickey, 
 well known for his success as a fisherman and his 
 partiality for the truth, came alongside my boat, 
 and, as though to tantalize me, held up as fine a 
 specimen of muskallonge as I ever saw. I saw my 
 way out at once ; I saw that I wouldn't have to 
 resort to a trance. I knew that, beside his love 
 for brandy and the truth, Chisamore had a craving 
 for the mighty dollar ; so I at once began to ne- 
 gotiate for the fish, and after considerable chaff- 
 ing I got him. I took him home, and by a judi- 
 cious course of treatment with a few pounds of 
 shot, I induced him to tip the scales at twenty- 
 seven pounds and six inches. 
 
 " You may observe, gentlemen, that there is 
 nothing novel about my experience. I will say 
 that its only claim to novelty — a commendable 
 one, indeed — lies in the fact that // is literally trite 
 in every detail." 
 
 They all seemed to see the moral my narrative 
 pointed, and I was voted a skilled angler and 
 the prize liar of the evening — that I deserved a 
 place alongside the Seven-string Liar of the Greeks. 
 
 XII 
 
 THE ACTIVITY OF THE We saw au cxciting dog con- 
 
 EUROPEAN DOG. |-gsj. to-day, and it occurred to me 
 
 that we ought to be authority on many of the 
 
 (6) 
 
82 Four Centuries After 
 
 leading dog questions of the day. The dog is 
 playing a very active and interesting part all 
 along our route ; in fact, there appears to be a 
 secret understanding with the dogs of Europe 
 regarding their attitude toward the Expedition. 
 It is a nicely conceived and executed plan that 
 every dog shall come out of his respective lair as 
 the Expedition goes sweeping by, and bark as 
 though the beggars were coming to town, and 
 follow for some distance in the wake of the Expe- 
 dition, and, in an insinuating way, nip at its un- 
 protected legs. A pair of legs protruding from 
 the skirts of a coat, clothed from the knees down- 
 ward in close-fitting stockings, seem to please the 
 fancy of the dogs, one and all. The sensation of 
 having a dog snapping at the least-protected part 
 of your anatomy, and that part being so acces- 
 sible to the dog, causes a sensation not easily de- 
 scribed. 
 
 On several occasions the most precocious dogs 
 have met with an accident which they have found 
 wholesome and instructive. The Expedition has 
 procured a small mirror, which is carried in an 
 easily accessible pocket. On the approach of a 
 dog this mirror is taken in hand and held so that 
 a very comprehensive aspect of the receding coun- 
 try can be had. Directly the dog comes into the 
 background, adding life and animation to the 
 picture. When he has reached a point directly in 
 the rear of the Expedition and is about to abstract 
 a mouthful of veal (or calf) from its legs, some- 
 thing, presto-like (faced with a metal heel-plate), 
 
Four Centuries After 83 
 
 takes him under the chin, not in a " dear, dear 
 Jack " caressing way, but with a force that dis- 
 turbs the foundation of his teeth. This accident 
 invariably defeats the dog's purpose, and he re- 
 treats with much less conceit and with his tail at 
 half-mast, as though in distress. 
 
 Is man the only reasoning animal? We don't 
 recall an instance where a dog returned for a 
 second experience. 
 
 What is there about a dog-fight 
 
 THE FOCALIZING PROP- ° ^ 
 
 ERTY OF A DOG CON- that makcs it such a draw ? Who 
 TEST. ever knew a small boy who wasn't 
 
 always present at a dog-fight — always ready to 
 attend ? If you know of one who would anxiously 
 absent himself from such an entertainment, please 
 tell us what became of that boy. Did he ever 
 think to turn over a stone to find an angle-worm ? 
 Later in life, was he ever known to cause the sun 
 to stand still for the space of even a moment in 
 its nicely directed course ? 
 
 Did you ever notice the precipitous focalization 
 of a town-meeting in the event of a dog-fight ? 
 How political issues are for the moment lost sight 
 of in the all-absorbing question, " Which'll whip ? " 
 On such an occasion the spectators soon take sides. 
 It may be that in our opinion the dog with the 
 stubby tail, small, erect, pointed ears, and a broad 
 physiognomy, wearing a look of determination, 
 will carry the day. This opinion once formed, 
 our sympathies go out at once to this dog, and we 
 offer to " bet a dollar " on the result. We are not 
 cruel. We would like to see the thing decided 
 
84 Four Centuries After 
 
 without the shedding of blood. What we are 
 interested in is the test of courage, skill, strength, 
 and endurance ; and if the question of superiority 
 can be determined without a scratch, we go on 
 our way with a feeling that we have not outraged 
 our sense of propriety, although those who wit- 
 nessed the fracas from their house-tops may 
 accuse us of having degraded ourselves. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 NO ATTEMPT AT 
 
 We are getting so we speak Ger- 
 LEGisLATiNG soBRi- man Qultc flucntly — that is, we can 
 say " Ein bier, zwei bier,'' and we 
 can even say ^^Drei bier." This is about the ex- 
 tent of our vocabulary, but we find it very com- 
 prehensive in this section of the country. Speak- 
 ing of beer, we are reminded that, so far as we 
 can see, there is no attempt made to legislate 
 sobriety in this part of Germany ; and if drinking 
 beer tends to perdition, the German individually 
 acts his own free moral agent. The Expedition 
 may occasionally lose sight of the Rhine, in her 
 many erratic windings, but it never misses the 
 stream of beer, which flows full and steadily by. 
 From grain that is grown in the United States, 
 the Germans make a beer which they sell for much 
 less than it can be bought in the country where it 
 is grown. Thus, the Germans (from the man who 
 works a day for the munificent sum of from one to 
 two marks, to the one receiving a liberal salary) 
 are plentifully supplied with beer at a cost a trifle 
 
Four Centuries After 85 
 
 above that of Croton water ; and yet, you rarely 
 see him with " two sheets in the wind," as we 
 sailors would describe a man who had lost his 
 steerage from the effect of drink. You rarely, 
 very rarely, find him when he is so far under the 
 influence of beer that he is not the same good- 
 natured, broad-faced German, with his same, rather 
 indifferent (or barracks) notion of courtesy. 
 THE MORAL RESULT In trylug to Tcason out this 
 
 OF UNDUE RESTRAINT, moderatlou, we recall the early 
 experience of a boy we were once intimately ac- 
 quainted with. We distinctly recall that while the 
 jam was on an easily accessible shelf, the constitu- 
 tion of this boy called for very little of this aliment ; 
 but if the mother of this boy thought it the policy 
 of the institution to place the temptation on the top 
 shelf, where the use of an unstable high chair had 
 to be called into service, the boy's want became 
 more urgent : and the more danger there was 
 of a fall, the greater the temptation to hazard all. 
 If the house became " overrun with mice," making 
 it necessary to place the jam under lock and key, 
 the boy became very much disturbed in mind. 
 The want for that which had been placed out of 
 his reach became clamorous — if such a comparison 
 were possible, it was more " ever-present " than 
 his guardian angel ; and in his play, of a sudden 
 he would be seen to stop, while a far-off look came 
 in his eye, as though at commune with himself. 
 The vision of a preserve-jar passed before his eye, 
 and that peculiar kind of ingenuity called at Sun- 
 day-school "the Devil," went industriously to work 
 
86 Foia- Cenhiries After 
 
 devising the ways and means of gratifying the 
 boy's longing. When this boy finally got at the jar 
 of jam, he forgot the exact quantity of jam his 
 stomach would conveniently take care of — in fact, 
 he told himself, " Now is my opportunity ! " and he 
 loaded up. Not many minutes after he had tied 
 the cover back on the jar (with a nicety that made 
 it look as though the thing might have just been 
 excavated from Pompeii, where it had lain undis- 
 turbed for nineteen centuries), his stomach would 
 begin to remonstrate with him, and threaten to 
 punish him for asking it to digest at one sitting 
 jam enough to make a whole pan of tarts. Then 
 conscience — whatever that may be in a " boy " — 
 would come along to add to theboy's misery. After 
 the performance was over, and the orchestra had 
 wound up with " the patter, patter, patter of the 
 slipper on his breeches," he would try to calmly rea- 
 son out the policy of placing the jam under lock 
 and key — and he resolved that, when he became the 
 father of a bright little boy, he would cultivate 
 self-respect in his son by generously allowing him 
 some liberties. He would say, as he caressingly 
 placed his hand on his son's head, and the light of 
 a father's love broke in his eyes : " My son, the 
 jam is on the lower shelf ; the jar is provided with 
 an automatic self-lifting cover whose mechanism 
 you will at once understand and appreciate ; go 
 and help thyself : I admire moderation, but have 
 little save scorn for a character so weak that it 
 allows a stomach to be overloaded with jam." 
 As this boy grew up he was very much disap- 
 
Four Centuries After 87 
 
 pointed to find so many boys, both old and young, 
 who seemed not to appreciate that Hberty in which 
 he placed so much dependence ; and while he 
 strongly disapproves alike of illicit love and illicit 
 distilleries, he does not favor — although he may 
 not strongly protest against — legislating m'an's 
 every act.* 
 
 XIV 
 
 "my DEAR, DEAR Wc havc E maclclntosh which 
 
 wife:" ^g gjjp Qj^ |.]-,g Expedition in the 
 
 event of forced march in the rain. This coat has 
 many pockets, some of which are placed in most 
 unexpected places, and I have found it a mind- 
 straining task to keep the exact location of them 
 all. We wore this coat yesterday, and during the 
 day I absent-mindedly tucked away a handker- 
 chief in some one of its pockets, and at night 
 attempted to locate the pocket. I have been sent 
 to a closet to get some article from the alleged 
 pocket of a woman's dress that was complacently 
 hanging on a peg, and have thus had occasion to 
 quietly swear ; but the distress this coat gave me, 
 the hopes it held out for my perseverance and 
 then dashed to the ground, was enough to exas- 
 perate a saint. Finally I drew forth from a pocket 
 of recent conquest the — no ! it was an old letter. 
 My interest was diverted. I unfolded the 
 crumpled thing, and, seeking the superscription, 
 
 * Since the above observations were made, the Emperor of 
 Germany has attempted to check the flow of beer. 
 
88 Four Centuries After 
 
 read : " My dear, dear wife : " What could this 
 mean ? I had no dear, dear wife : a thought I 
 sometimes pleasantly cherished — I had escaped 
 the unknown quantity, and was now safely en- 
 sconced in bachelorhood. Here I began to think 
 intensely — and I rarely keep up this line of effort 
 long that I do not ferret out something. It soon 
 occurred to me that -I had worn this same coat 
 during two wet seasons in New York, and that, 
 one day while making a crossing on Lexington 
 Avenue, I had picked up an envelopeless letter 
 which I hastily tucked away in the first pocket my 
 hand reached, intending to scan it as soon as I 
 reached my room, in the hope of finding within 
 the address of the person to whom it belonged. 
 Then it was forgotten ; and now, many months 
 after, I again hold the letter before me, and the 
 " My dear, dear wife : " nearly caused me to at 
 once destroy it; but I reasoned that it was "an 
 open letter," and thus public property. I read it, 
 and now the thought will come up, " Did the let- 
 ter have the desired effect — did the dear, dear wife 
 remain faithful ? " I venture to offer it for the 
 reader's perusal. It may appeal to more than one 
 " dear, dear wife." 
 
 My Dear, Dear Wife : 
 
 You are somewhat surprised at receiving another letter 
 from me so soon? It is not alone the fact that every houi- — 
 every minute, is increasing the distance dividing us, that 
 prompts me to pen this; although this widening breach does, I 
 confess, make me feel homesick, which feeling you will still 
 hold accountable for the existence of this letter. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 I have just received a business communication from a friend 
 of ours vvrherein he casually dropped a remark that set me to 
 thinking — a remark that might imply more or less, depending 
 very much on the character of the one making it. I say it 
 set me to thinking — thinking of my wife, of her love for so- 
 ciety, her fondness for the companionship of congenial souls, 
 and (I was about to say), alas ! her ignorance of worldly mat- 
 ters, and her own moral strength. 
 
 You may say that I am unjust and peevish ; I should rather 
 risk your thinking that of me than to quietly ignore the fact 
 that you may be threatened by an actual danger of which you, 
 in your almost childlike ignorance of the sins of the world, are 
 not the least aware. I have no doubt that there are, among 
 the men of our acquaintance, and whom we entertain at our 
 home, and for whom you have the deepest regard, those who 
 will say to themselves that my absence is their opportunity. I 
 always look for the good in man, but it is in behalf of self- 
 preservation to know of his frailties, and this knowledge 
 teaches me that many a man, in whom the public and society 
 have the utmost confidence, will privately express the opinion 
 that a man's conduct toward a woman should be controlled by 
 the pleasure of the woman and not by any prompting of his 
 own conscience of what is considered right or wrong. Such 
 men, as occasion offers, may attempt to reveal to you a new 
 world, or what they may call the real inward condition of so- 
 ciety. They will tell you that your early teachings had a pur- 
 pose (not unlike the cocoon of the butterfly), which has been 
 fulfilled, and its false teachings should now be put aside with 
 your nursery rhymes ; that our outward actions are no index 
 to our real thoughts and aspirations, but are rather a cloak 
 that it is tacitly understood may cover anything. This infor- 
 mation will be implied rather than told you in so many words ; 
 and as the scheme dawns upon you, your capacity for under- 
 standing enigmas will increase until a hint and a gesture may 
 be as comprehensive as a volume. At first you will be shocked 
 and disappointed, but as the plot (as I shall call it) unfolds, 
 you may permit yourself to become in a measure reconciled to 
 its seeming unnatural teachings. You will make these con- 
 
9° Four Centuries After 
 
 cessions out of regard for those in whom you have had implicit 
 confidence, and whom you could not think of misleading you 
 to gratify personal ends. Fear of betraying your ignorance 
 of the world will prevent your seeking counsel from those who 
 might set you right : and thus, half in doubt, bewildered by 
 the glamour that is thrown about you by those who seek your 
 ruin, you drift on. There comes a day when you fly to the 
 seclusion of your chamber and seek relief from those beset- 
 ting doubts in tears. 
 
 Our taste for sin, like certain dishes on our table, has 
 to i)e cultivated to be enjoyed ; there are some people who 
 can never acquire a liking for snails, neither can they bring 
 themselves to enjoy the fruit of transgression ; they are 
 never unconscious of their wrongdoing, and this ever-present 
 conscience prevents enjoyment. You, with your delicate sen- 
 sibilities and early training, belong to the latter class. No 
 matter what others may say, you feel that you have stained 
 your character, and you give way to tears. At night you 
 start in your sleep, you turn on your pillow, you wake to a 
 realization of inexpressible loneliness. 
 
 No ; tears are of no avail — all the tears that have ever 
 been shed could not wash away that stain from your con- 
 science. Your God may forgive this transgression, your 
 husband may condone your violation of the marriage vows, 
 but your conscience can never be put at rest. 
 
 You sec. ray dear, I have pictured the possible as having actu- 
 ally taken place. I trust it will serve its purpose as a warn- 
 ing. Forgive me, and permit me to find, on my return, a few 
 months hence, the same pure, loving wife to greet my coming. 
 
 Address me as I instructed in my last letter, and believe me, 
 
 Your ever- loving Husband. 
 
 XV 
 
 BEETHOVEN, SONATA, Lovcrs of music iTiay not recall 
 
 pants! even having heard of Bonn's 
 
 justly celebrated university, while they will have 
 
Four Cefituries After 91 
 
 no difficulty in associating the name of one of the 
 greatest (if not the greatest) composers of our 
 age (the one who has been characterized as " the 
 Shakespeare of music ") with this small Rhineland 
 city. It is the birthplace of Beethoven. 
 MORE AUTOBioG- ^ ^m " passionatcly " fond of 
 
 RAPHY. music, as the girl just home from 
 
 the conservatory would declare. My first happy 
 recollections as a child are associated with pleas- 
 ing combinations of sound, whether accidentally 
 performed or otherwise ; and of a summer afternoon 
 I would often lie for hours in the shade of an old 
 birch on the. banks of a creek, listening to the 
 tinkling of passing water and speculating on the 
 mathematical relations of sound. I became " pre- 
 cocious " on a jews'-harp at a very immature age. 
 My extemporaneous compositions on this instru- 
 ment were not so limited in design and feeble 
 in construction as usually characterizes the pro- 
 duction of a rural genius — they were, in effect, 
 alternately stirring and soothing ; and when 
 threatened by the mob, I would play something 
 soft and tranquillizing which would be almost 
 "Orpheus-like" in its influence on my listeners ; 
 and thus by mere force of genius I would tide over 
 my threatened extermination. I was graduated 
 from the harp to the mouth-organ, on which I was 
 soon able to execute " Home, Sweet Home," with 
 all her many intricate variations of domestic felic- 
 ity and broken hearth-stones, throwing tremolo on 
 and off at will, and all this with one hand in my 
 pocket. Here I again escaped the vigilant com- 
 
92 Fom' Centuries After 
 
 mittee ; and later in life, when that epoch arrived 
 which is heralded by a painful consciousness that 
 we have hands and feet with no use for them, or 
 a place to stow them while passing through the 
 ordeal of the drawing-room — at that critical time 
 when the boy is harassed with a vague yearning 
 for the society of Hank's sister, but perversely 
 keeps shy of her — at this never-to-be-forgotten 
 time in my life, I took to the guitar ; and long, 
 long after the chickens had gone to roost, I would 
 sit and pluck its strings and pour forth my pent-up 
 feelings to the "inconstant moon" until she was 
 glad to dodge behind the first cloud that came 
 along. 
 
 The fear that the reader might think I had acci- 
 dentally stumbled on Beethoven in my Baedeker 
 has betrayed me into offering this bit of autobiog- 
 raphy, which I should much prefer to have left to 
 my paid biographer. I believe this feeling of 
 delicacy in referring to one's self is pretty general 
 with great men — and I feel that I should sustain 
 the reputed modesty of greatness. Furthermore, 
 my book on etiquette (price ten cents) tells me that 
 it is not in good form to refer to one's self so long 
 as one has forbearing neighbors to be analyzed. 
 
 Years ago, when my discovery of Europe was 
 far in the perspective, I had promised myself that 
 if ever I visited Bonn I would make a critical 
 study of her acoustic properties, vital statistics, 
 etc., and, with these data, endeavor to account for 
 her having produced a Beethoven. This promise 
 was about to be fulfilled. 
 
Four Centuries After 93 
 
 The Expedition tramped into town by what 
 appeared to be the most direct street, and had not 
 proceeded far when we came to a small square or 
 recess formed by the Cathedral and the hard walls 
 of adjoining buildings. In the centre of this sun- 
 less place stood a bronze statue, a fascinating 
 young woman and (as a conversation disclosed) 
 her mother, and a little way to one side posed a 
 German officer, dressed in an excruciatingly close- 
 fitting uniform. Evidently this man when pro- 
 moted had metaphorically stepped into his prede- 
 cessor's clothes, although literally he had gotten 
 into them with the assistance of a glove stretcher 
 and a shoe-horn. Every detail of his anatomy, 
 and what not (as the professor would say), stood 
 out in bold relief, and with a fidelity that was 
 startling and apprehensive — particularly was this 
 noticeable in his lower extremities. At a respect- 
 ful distance from this group of bronze and flesh, 
 the Great Explorer stopped and, striking an atti- 
 tude, soliloquized: "At last, we realize one of 
 the long-cherished occasions of a lifetime — we 
 are at the home of Beethoven ! " Then we men- 
 tally reviewed his life — a life how strangely un- 
 happy ! 
 
 Of an exquisitely sensitive nature, the early 
 knowledge that he was losing his sense of hearing 
 (of all the senses to him the most precious) tended 
 to embitter his future life. It must have been a 
 heartrending shock, the first knowledge that all 
 earthly sounds were gradually but surely dying 
 to him, until even the throbbing of his own im- 
 
94 Four Centuries After 
 
 mortal symphonies broke silently on his ear like 
 waves on the shore of an imaginary world ; and 
 again we hear in one of his sonatas the pleading 
 of a tender love, the boundless, unrequited yearn- 
 ing of a soul. 
 
 Such was the rapt contemplation of the Great 
 Explorer as he stood in that little square in Bonn 
 containing the statue of the great composer, and 
 this is about the quality of emotion that should 
 thrill every spectator who has a soul and has — 
 attended the Grand Opera. While he was thus 
 still under the rapt spell of the occasion, the fol- 
 lowing dialogue broke upon his delicately tuned 
 ear : 
 
 " Why, mother, you don't recollect Beethoven, 
 the great composer ? " 
 
 Mother : " I recollect the name, but couldn't 
 have told whether he was a great composer or a 
 reformer — I depend on you for my memory, you 
 know." 
 
 Daughter : " Yes, but it was only four days 
 ago, while in Vienna, that you listened to one of 
 his symphonies. Don't you recollect making the 
 remark that it seemed as if both the music and 
 musicians were going crazy ? " 
 
 At this juncture of the conversation, the officer, 
 who had been standing near without being ob- 
 served by the ladies, turned and walked down the 
 square. The young lady saw him, and at once 
 manifested a lively interest in his get-up. Bring- 
 ing her face near her mother's ear, she exclaimed, 
 in a slightly elevated voice, or " stage whisper " : 
 
Four Centuries After 95 
 
 '* Oh, mother, do look at the fit of that man's 
 pants ! " 
 
 Pants ! This broke the spell that held the 
 Great Discoverer almost entranced to the spot, and 
 brought him back to the stern realization that this 
 world is not a symphony. Beethoven, Sonata, 
 pants ! ! ! 
 
 Is it a greater crime for a young, beautiful, 
 spiritual-faced lady to be detected in the act of 
 chewing gum in public than for her to be over- 
 heard referring to a man's " pants " ? 
 
 After all, was not Beethoven's infirmity benefi- 
 cent ? He must have felt the thrill of music — 
 have fully appreciated the regulation and propor- 
 tions of sound after his physical defect had re- 
 sulted in entire deafness : to this his late compo- 
 sitions attest. On . the other hand, this same 
 infirmity was a safeguard against the shock which 
 one of his admirers had just sustained. Imagine, 
 if you can, Beethoven, with his hearing unimpaired, 
 in the seclusion of his villa adjoining the Imperial 
 gardens of Schonbrunn, rapt in the composition of 
 his oratorio, the " Mount of Olives." Save for a 
 gentle breeze which goes rustling through his leaf- 
 embowered retreat, nature is hushed as though 
 fearful. of breaking the spell that is weaving those 
 immortal strains. Of a sudden an American tour- 
 ist — maybe a woman with the face of a Madonna 
 — unannounced, invades this sacred seclusion and 
 starts the air to vibrating with the ejaculation, 
 " Pants ! " I know it is sacrilegious to call up 
 such a picture. 
 
96 Four Centuries After 
 
 XVI 
 
 EUROPEAN " iLLUMi- At uight, whcH alonc in my 
 NATION." room trying to record the events 
 
 of the day in my log — condition of the highway, 
 our latitude and longitude, discoveries in the local 
 flora and fauna, synopsis of our interview with 
 the Ju Ju men, etc.— as the shadows begin to flicker 
 about the room, and on my paper, I fall to won- 
 dering if I am not really back in the Dark Ages. 
 At least, the light of the nineteenth century rarely 
 penetrates the darkness of my room. There is a 
 vain attempt to dissipate this darkness with one 
 solitary ghastly candle, apprehensively short at 
 both ends. If I increase the number of candles 
 I but multiply the shadows, which are rendered 
 little thinner by the arithmetical operation. When 
 I see several shadows of myself on the wall I begin 
 to feel skittish and doubt my ocular accuracy. 
 One shadow may be company, but two or more are 
 a crowd — a crowd automatically following my 
 movements as though I had mesmerized the whole 
 lot. This is exasperating ; and I extinguish all 
 but one candle, and at the same time dispel all 
 save one of my shadows. 
 THE CANDLE AS A ^hat vlvldly real painting by 
 
 SHADOW-MAKER. Gcrard Dow, called " Evening 
 School," was doubtless inspired by the flickering 
 candle-light with which his life was illuminated ; 
 and the painting remains a fitting commentary on 
 the deep, noisome shade of the mediaeval age, 
 which had hardly begun to lift at the time the 
 
Four Centuries After 97 
 
 painting was executed. I now make it my first 
 duty on reaching my room at night to take an 
 inventory of the candle — estimate the duration of 
 its brief, solitary life. It is always short, ofttimes 
 much shorter, but always costs from two to five 
 cents per night, regardless of length. When the 
 inventory is completed, I sit down and begin to 
 write. When fairly on the scent of some fleeting 
 fancy started up by recalling the events of the 
 day, the shadows begin to deepen and dance 
 about the room. The lithograph of a mediaeval 
 ruler looks down from his frame on the wall, and, 
 with a voice muflled with age and cobwebs, re- 
 marks : " Ah ha ! " The Madonna wears the 
 same expression of resigned fortitude ; even the 
 angels who are wont to hover about me cast a 
 shadow ; and the hand that is groping about with 
 the pen, in an effort to render thought immortal, 
 casts a shadow deeper than the thought itself ; 
 sometimes, though, the thought casts a shadow. 
 Presently from the direction of the so-called illu- 
 minant I hear a splutter and a splurge, not unlike 
 that of the fretful frying pork (forgive the shock, 
 my poetical friend). If I snuff it, I may briefly 
 prolong this dawn of darkness. Now, to snuff a 
 candle with thin-skinned fingers, and not use pro- 
 fanity or any other domestic appliance, requires 
 a dexterity that does not come with a life bright- 
 ened by kerosene, gas, and electricity — unlike the 
 poetic inspiration, the art of plucking the cal- 
 cined wick from a burning candle must be acquired. 
 I have acquired the art. How well I recall my 
 
98 Four Centuries After 
 
 first experience ! On that occasion I made a 
 round, graceful, full-armed movement (Delsarte 
 style), and inserted the thumb and index finger of 
 my right hand into the blazing candle.* 
 
 Having done this, I bethought me what to do 
 next. This was a critical moment, and required 
 great presence of mind and an abiding faith that 
 could enter a burning furnace and not be scorched 
 beyond identification. I had supposed that I pos- 
 sessed all of these virtues. This moth-simplicity 
 — the " briars " to my intelligent researches in 
 physics — was "burnt away." After having thor- 
 oughly reviewed the ways and means, I came to 
 the conclusion that it would be proper, under the 
 circumstances, to grasp the calcined wick and 
 take a direct and expeditious route out. Having 
 decided on this line of action, I lost no time in 
 executing it. The finishing touch was done with 
 considerable animation, while a few well-chosen 
 observations on the darkness of the age were ex- 
 temporized in unstudied rhetoric. In my desire 
 to perform a radical operation on the candle, I 
 overreached and took hold of the unburned wick. 
 NOT '^To BE coNTiN- Ou thc followlug momiug I 
 UED IN OUR NEXT." discovcrcd that I had brought 
 away candle and all, and the snap I gave my fin- 
 gers, by way of emphasis, had distributed tallow 
 
 * I have since learned that when the operator has fairly got 
 his thumb and finger into the fire, about 99 per cent, of the 
 necessary time it takes to snuff a candle has been consumed. 
 This fact will always demonstrate itself if the performer has a 
 stop-watch at hand. 
 
Four Centuries After 99 
 
 to the four quarters of the room (I was about to 
 say the globe), lending it the appearance of a tal- 
 low factory ; and the exposed pages of our jour- 
 nal were rendered thereby transparent, as though 
 prepared for copying. They never took kindly to 
 ink after this treatment. By close application I can 
 make out the few last lines I penned prior to my 
 exploit with the candle. It is exceedingly inter- 
 esting in this, that it leaves us uncertain as to what 
 the denouement would have been had not darkness 
 dropped, curtain-like, so untimely. 
 
 " The Expedition has now reached Darkest Eu- 
 rope. Oh, how much these poor, neglected beings 
 need light ! If we but had a search-light of a thou- 
 sand fat candles power, how we would make the bats 
 and small (yet more active and energetic) fauna 
 hustle ! Last night we were rudely awakened in 
 the dead of night from a most blissful dream of 
 home and the folks. The faces that clustered 
 about the old hearth-stone (not the old warped 
 stove this time) shone brighter than the polished 
 surface of the brass andiron. We were, indeed, 
 very happy ! At this supreme moment of domes- 
 tic bliss, I felt something tickle me in the ribs. 
 Suspecting my mischievous sister, I turned with 
 the intention of catching her in the act and draw- 
 ing her across my knee. This attempted change 
 of position dissipated the vision, and I opened my 
 eyes on profound darkness. The tickling in my 
 ribs, however, did not vanish with my dream — this 
 sensation, alas ! was real. Under cover of the 
 night, had some one stolen into my room to rob 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 me of my good name, my loose change, and other 
 trinkets ? The thought was horrifying ! I turned 
 down the covering and instituted a thorough ex- 
 ploration. What was my consternation to — I'll 
 have to snuff this infernal candle before I can 
 proceed with this exciting narrative ! " . 
 
 Here was an untimely break in the records of 
 that day, which, owing to the misapplication of 
 grease, was never mended. I am sorry, as I have 
 become very curious to know what it was that 
 tickled the sleeper from out an enjoyable dream 
 to painful reality. But I promise to record the 
 whole transaction next time, dream and all. 
 
 XVII 
 
 I LOVE TO ROVE ABOUT I aui vcry fottd of dreaming. 
 IN DREAMLAND. ^}^g Q^ly Way I Can account for 
 this partiality is that dreams do not follow the 
 set conventional lines that control our real ac- 
 tions. It may be needless to add that I love free- 
 dom of thought and action — thus I resort to airy 
 dreams. You may have observed that we rarely 
 attempt to jump from a balloon, without the sus- 
 taining help of a parachute, while awake and in full 
 possession of our knowledge^of cause and effect ; 
 but such a feat is quite practicable with the sleeper, 
 for the reason that he leaves off dreaming while 
 in mid-air. This arrangement permits us to enjoy 
 the exhilarating sensation of falling, without the 
 unpleasant demoralizing effect of having a fall of 
 several thousand feet arrested by this tangible,; 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 resisting earth. A man can't even get married 
 and unmarried with quite the same facility while 
 awake that he may in dreamland — recent cases in 
 South Dakota excepted. 
 
 XVIII 
 
 THE LAST GUEST OF Ou the cvcning of November 
 
 THE SEASON. \TyX\x wc Tcachcd Rolandseck and 
 
 put up at the hotel by that name. It would seem 
 that I am the only guest — the last leaf of the sea- 
 son ; and as I sit alone in a long, lofty hall, warming 
 the legs of the Expedition by the fire in an open 
 grate, " I feel like one who's left alone in some 
 banquet hall deserted," etc. But I make away with 
 a tenacious beefsteak (evidently a remnant of the 
 past season, the tenacity of which remnant ac- 
 counts for its having been left over), and then 
 ask to be shown to my room. This room, I 
 find, overlooks the river, which flows closely by. 
 Out in the stream, hardly more than a stone's 
 throw from where I sit, I see the Convent of Non- 
 nenwerth, where the beautiful Hildegard took the 
 veil. This is the signal for me to review in my 
 memory the legends of the river flowing so peace- 
 fully by. It was late when I crawled into bed, 
 with the misgivings that the steak revolving in my 
 stomach had betrayed my confidence in a meat 
 diet : but the thoughts and fancies of the day 
 were soon lost in that mysterious realm of night 
 called sleep. 
 
Four Centuries After. 
 
 XIX 
 He was again by the river. By 
 
 "it was a dream." . 
 
 his side there walked a maiden 
 whose hair was flaxen and whose eyes were blue. 
 They watched the clouds go drifting by, and lis- 
 tened to the lapping of the water at their feet. 
 They plucked the petals from the opening bud, 
 and talked philosophy — how much there is of 
 good in life, the means by which attained. 
 
 " And it shall be a union of the mind alone. 
 Hand in hand, our every act shall be an effort to 
 rise above the grosser life, so that when the time 
 shall come we may put aside this life as though it 
 were a garment, and from this to the beyond shall 
 be but as a step." 
 
 Again, with footsteps sad and slow, they walk 
 the river's brink. Eyes tear-bedimmed, and sor- 
 row in her voice, she speaks : 
 
 " Is this the upward path we vowed to tread, a 
 life of noble deeds to reach ? " 
 
 To this the man (who was not so entirely filled 
 with as lofty thoughts and aspirations as his gentle 
 companion) rejoined : 
 
 "It thus hath been, and ever shall be. Try as 
 you may, you rise but to fall again. 'Twas never 
 intended that man should fly, and as your ideal 
 can ne'er be reached by mortal feet, you're 
 doomed to disappointment." 
 
Four Centuries After. 103 
 
 She : "Enough ! Henceforth we walk apart." 
 And as she spoke she turned away. 
 
 To be thus abruptly forsaken was too much for 
 the sleeper, and he awoke. He was " rather fa- 
 tigued with his night's rest," as the old lady who 
 " enjoyed poor health " would express it. Inves- 
 tigation showed that the resentful beefsteak he ate 
 the evening before was the cause of his disturbed 
 sleep. 
 
 XX 
 
 "RUINS" RUINED Bv ^c havc to rcport that Messrs. 
 RESTORATION OR Thomas Cook & Son are not 
 NEGLECT. keeping up their ruined castles 
 
 along the Rhine as per contract. Some are so 
 badly "ruined" that they have to be placarded to 
 avoid being mistaken for the work of cave dwell- 
 ers, or a land-slide, while others are "restored" to 
 a degree that has wholly deprived them of their 
 former picturesqueness. We looked for some 
 time to find a ruin that filled our expectation of 
 one ; then the Expedition posed therein, while a 
 young German " pressed the button." When we 
 came to develop the coveted exposure, we found 
 a most perfect likeness of the zenith, with a small 
 fragment of ruin in the foreground as though it 
 were just dropped from the heavens. The opera- 
 tor had left the Expedition out in the cold, cold 
 world. It was very fortunate for this young Ger- 
 man that we developed the result of his kind office 
 about six months after the day he officiated, and 
 at a distance of several thousand miles, else he 
 
I04 Foiir Centuries After 
 
 might have heard something to his disadvantage 
 — observations on liis stupidity in dislocating the 
 objective point, or mistaking our purpose. 
 THE CAMERA AS A However, we have a picture 
 
 METAMORPHosER. that includcs one -half of a ruin, 
 the right ear of the Expedition, and our tourist 
 bag — quite enough to identify us with the ruin: — 
 as our ear and tourist bag are of peculiar work- 
 manship, and our ear-mark is registered. Refer- 
 ring to our camera, we will take occasion to praise 
 its work. An explorer should not prowl about 
 without one of those dear little exaggerators ; and, 
 in fact, you rarely see a tourist nowadays without 
 one — it is the tourist's badge. We have a collec- 
 tion of photographs that speaks in unqualified 
 praise of the camera as a metamorphoser. We 
 have a Holstein cow we got up in Holland. She 
 is built on the telescope principle — that is, she has 
 been shoved together so that her length over all 
 is about the same as her beam. This is for con- 
 venience in transportation ; an economist would 
 at once see and admire her compactness, although 
 an artist might not like her as a "cow study" 
 while in her telescoped condition. 
 HER FEET VERY MUCH Wc also havc the exposure of 
 IN THE FOREGROUND, a Grctchen, whom we detected 
 reclining gracefully (as though just on purpose), 
 and, the sun being right, we deftly took her in — 
 our little camera. We see her now — not with our 
 mind's eye (which would have been much more 
 complimentary), but in an unflattering photo. 
 Her feet are toward the observer ; ah, how they 
 
Four Centuries After 105 
 
 have grown within six months ! Evidently, they 
 were not designed for transportation. 
 
 We. have one perfect little picture of the Expe- 
 dition, though ; it represents us as standing con- 
 templatively viewing distant mist-wreathed moun- 
 tains, but the camera made a mistake this time, as 
 in reality we are looking beyond into the past. 
 There is a smile playing about our mouth, although 
 you can't see it, standing at a distance as we do ; 
 but the smile is there "just the same," as we 
 recall circumstances. 
 THE WANT OF TASTE Thc most pcrfcct thing about 
 
 IN CLASSIFYING. ^ ^^^^^ jg j^g Qutfit for taklug tin- 
 types. In one well-appointed ruin they had a 
 goat, with a goatee, and a mild-eyed gazelle. 
 These were a part of the stage fittings. They 
 begged to take a half-dozen tin-types of the Expe- 
 dition in the society of the goatee, although the 
 gazelle looked beseechingly up into our face all 
 the while. This was too much ; it showed only 
 too well how destitute they were of artistic taste 
 or the crudest notion of the iitness of things, and 
 we indignantly declined their proposition and 
 walked away with our most effective haughty 
 air, which is very crushing in its operations. 
 
 If you have friends "doing" 
 
 '^ what's in a 
 
 NAME?" FoaND Europc, and wish to find them, 
 CARVED ON A VENER- yQu should first consult the hotel 
 
 ABLE RUIN. . , , . r -1 . 
 
 register ; then do not tail to ex- 
 amine the walls of the principal ruins. There you 
 are sure to find their names, and the date of their 
 advent ; that is, of course, assuming that they are 
 
io6 Four Centuries After 
 
 Americans. Don't be discouraged by the ever- 
 present notice telling the visitor he may not dis- 
 figure the ruins ; such a notice acts as a stimulant 
 on the vandalish propensities of the American, 
 and he aspires to place his name higher than all 
 the rest, though it causes a " stitch " in his back. 
 I would respectfully ask, "What's in a name?" 
 that has been carved on some venerable ruin by 
 the eccentric vanity of an American tourist. I 
 once heard a fellow (yes, fellow) enumerate the 
 places about the world whereon he had carved his 
 name. He even contemplated desecrating the 
 Holy Sepulchre, and boasted that he would have 
 left his name thereon had the place been less pro- 
 tected by the followers of Christ and Mahomet. 
 
 The Great Explorer has not allowed the Expedi- 
 tion to make one scratch toward immortalizing its 
 conquests in the Old Country. He intends to leave 
 laudation to posterity. This may put posterity to 
 a slight expense, but it will be something toward 
 preserving those ruins which are the principal 
 source of revenue to the country containing them. 
 There are usually three meth- 
 
 METHODS OF REACH- •' 
 
 iNG AN ASPIRING ods at thc dlsposal of the tour- 
 ''"™' ist in reaching a well-equipped 
 
 castle ; namely, by tramway, by a little donkey, 
 and on foot. The Expedition always chooses to 
 walk. Steam renders climbing too easy to be 
 enjoyed. If you would fully appreciate an aspir- 
 ing ruin, you should reach it by an exercise of 
 your own muscle. Of course, the dignity of the 
 Expedition forbids our riding the humble little 
 
Four Centuries After 107 
 
 donkey at the disposal of the tourist. Again, 
 there is something besides dignity that leads us to 
 decline the office of a donkey. The legs of the 
 Expedition do not remain folded up with the same 
 facility as does a pocket-rule, and as said legs are 
 much longer than the legs of a donkey, they trail 
 along the ground and become worn and soiled. 
 OUR KNIGHTLY SPELLS Thc cxpcdltion huuts up the 
 IN DREAMLAND. lowcr cnd of a bridle-path — over 
 which, by the way, the pale light of the honey- 
 moon is not always shed as a gentle inspiration to 
 climb — then we follow its many windings until we 
 quietly reach the castle, as though about to take 
 it by stealth. Then we point our camera out of a 
 turret, while we imagine we are some feudal lord 
 red-hot for a feud. When we have humored this 
 fancy for a time, we swoop down on the common 
 people in the low-lying country and — pay for 
 something to eat ! We pay for what we get as a 
 matter of policy, as we fear that, should we wrest 
 our grub from the people, as we are tempted to 
 do to render the illusion effective, we might meet 
 with a resistance not easily overcome ; in a word, 
 we might meet with a " nausty " defeat, a defeat that 
 would not further the knightly spell which nightly 
 has recourse to the broad domain of dreamland, 
 and o'er which, up to date, Billy Hohenzollern has 
 not gained dominion ; his present attitude looks 
 threatening, however. If King William should 
 extend his sway over dreamland, I fear he would 
 strip us of our knightly arms, and take possibly 
 even our legs, our pinions, and pluck some of the 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 quills from our opinions — which opinions might be 
 found somewhat odious to the old school of kings. 
 
 XXI 
 
 "perfectly exqui- While crossing the'River Rhine 
 site!" by ferry to-day, a young lady 
 
 passenger called the attention of the Expedition to 
 herself (quite unintentionally, doubtless), by ex- 
 claiming in pure Columbian, " Perfectly exqui- 
 site ! " This caused the Expedition to prick up its 
 ears and look the field over to see if the young 
 lady really had any provocation for using such 
 extravagant means. At the time there was noth- 
 ing within our horizon .that struck us as being 
 more excruciatingly delicate than another, so we 
 waited for her to bubble over again. We hadn't 
 long to wait. She began to show uneasiness ; 
 then, as a tremor passed over her slight frame, 
 she asked, as though addressing the Deity : " Could 
 there be anything more exquisite ? " In our trans- 
 port we felt like saying : " No, my dear little thing, 
 no ! You are more exquisite (or exquisitor) than 
 anything else in heaven or earth ! " We didn't 
 say this, though ; we rarely give way to benevo- 
 lent impulses save when asked for alms, as some 
 one has remarked that it isn't in good form to do 
 so, unless some one steps on your corn. We sat 
 perfectly still and waited for further development. 
 The young lady relapsed into a momentary quiet ; 
 then she bobbed up again with the suddenness of 
 a " jack-in-the-box," and announced that, in her 
 opinion, something else was "exquisite." . And so 
 
Four Centuries After 109 
 
 she ran on until she had thoroughly canvassed the 
 grounds and found that everything — the ferry, the 
 ruin, the mountain, the castle, the heaven and the 
 earth, and all that there be in them, were " exqui- 
 site ! " in a greater or less degree. 
 
 As we reached the shore and turned to walk 
 away, this bundle of exquisitely sensitive fibre 
 passed into another paroxysm. But it was im- 
 possible to resist the exalting influence of this 
 effervescing youth, which felt so keenly and ex- 
 pressed itself so extravagantly — call her back ! 
 
 XXII 
 
 THE LAMB AND HIS At Boppard thc Expedition had 
 
 FLEECE. another large summer hotel, ZTf?/^/ 
 
 Bellevue, all to itself. How haughty it made us 
 feel to have a whole retinue of servants at our 
 beck and nod — and how those menials did bend 
 and scrape and give us their undivided attention 
 — they having no one else to bestow it on. Later 
 we saw another side to all this, when it came to 
 passing out the fees — to fee every servant in a 
 large hotel : and we at first thought of engaging 
 the services of a paying-teller. I couldn't help re- 
 calling the miserable fate of a lamb which had to 
 furnish wool for a whole community. 
 
 XXIII 
 
 ^K.^^.o... „„ We find that the Seven Sisters 
 
 AN HONORABLE PUR- 
 POSE " AND A CAN OF wlio suffcrcd petrification as a 
 
 NiTHo-GLvcERiNE. p^j^ighmeut for coquctry are pass- 
 ing through another ordeal. Believing the Lurlei's 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 punishment of not sufificient warning to tlie way- 
 ward sirens of to-day, man (man of masculine 
 gender) has set about annihilating them -with 
 nitro-glycerine. Why not advise the ardent 
 youth of to-day to start out with an " honorable 
 purpose " in one hand, and a can of nitro-glycerine 
 in the other ? With such an equipment he could 
 take the leading role in a play with a minimum of 
 acts and scenes in it ; and would always have for 
 immediate use in an emergency the means by 
 which to bring about a climax with calcium light 
 and sky rockets combined. A young man thus 
 provided could approach the object of his devo- 
 tion with some degree of assurance and very little 
 pocket money. No patent applied for. 
 
 XXIV 
 
 A LETTER FROM At Bingen-ou-t hc" Rhiuc, I re- 
 
 HANK. ceived a packet of letters, among 
 
 which I found one bearing the postmark of " Kal- 
 amazoo, Mich., U. S. A.", and a superscription in 
 which I at once recognized the peculiar writing of 
 Hank Smith. 
 
 Yes, Hank's writing still retained its initial 
 peculiarities — its compound curves, its hoop-skirts 
 (as we used to call the complements to the capitals), 
 and the delicate shading indiscriminately on both 
 the shady and sunny sides of his letters — there 
 was no doubt that this letter was from Hank. 
 
 Hank and I grew up in the 
 
 HANK AND I. . 
 
 same town, swam m the same 
 hole, jointly organized expeditions to neighboring 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 fruit orchards, alike avoided school, on Sunday 
 and week days, often occupied the same bed and 
 ate from the same " trough " — in a word, we were 
 churns ; and for a time after the pretence at school 
 (where we promised each other that we would 
 individually do something to bring our names to 
 the notice of the world even if we had to resort 
 to the ignoble lines of getting immensely wealthy) 
 we watched each other's career with that interest 
 which comes naturally with such early associa- 
 tions. But neither seemed in a way to commit 
 some daring crime or perform some brilliant piece 
 of heroism to bring his name to the front ; so, for 
 want of nourishment, our interest in each other 
 languished. Hank moved west to the celery dis- 
 trict of Michigan : a soil, he playfully said, that 
 could supply the world with celery, ought to nour- 
 ish genius ; and in the thrifty West, fame or 
 notoriety was more liable to come unsought with 
 the rapid passage of events. So we drifted apart, 
 and, as men, had lost sight of each other — or rather 
 I had lost track of Hank, but his letter shows 
 that he had " kept an eye on me." 
 
 Its perusal cheered me up wonderfully ; and it 
 offered a favorable opportunity, in replying, to 
 place myself in my true light before a friend, if 
 not the world. The letter ran as follows : 
 
 Ho, ho, friend Benjamin, I have found 
 
 hank's lament. , c ,1 ,. 
 
 you out ! bo you thought to sup unob- 
 served across the sea, commit some outrage, languish for a sea- 
 son in some donjon keep (or some such romantic place where 
 they " keep " offenders against the law), get our consul to inter- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 cede for you, and thus get extensively in the morning' papers ; 
 then come home, sit down, and, with a guide-book at one hand 
 and your spelling7book at the other, wantonly, without just 
 provocation, write a book on travel. 
 
 And has it come to this pass ? Are you thus desperate ? 
 Why did you not commit suicide ? You could have died with 
 the blessed assurance that you had called the world's attention 
 to yourself for the space of a day or so, at least. Think of 
 two or three millions of people reading your brief and simple 
 biography as in one voice some auspicious morning ! If the 
 thing were properly arranged and executed, you might elicit 
 an " Extra ! " When a man is dead we are disposed to rake 
 around pretty industriously for his virtues, although his stock 
 may have been low and he have died at the hands of an 
 ofScial hangman. I understand that it takes all the possible 
 good deeds of a long life to cover a small tablet marking the 
 resting-place of some of Westminster's "' illustrious dead." 
 This doubtless resulted from a want of regard for the taste 
 they were to leave in the mouth of the public after they were 
 gone — they could have made a s-howing if they had tried, and 
 so can you if you tiy. 
 
 Now, Benjamin, don"t mar the sentiment that will mark 
 your last resting-place with the statement that you were author 
 of a book on travel. Anything but that : write an enthusias- 
 tic treatise on Skunk Farming, or on Dog Meat as Human 
 Food, or write " The Biography of a vShrimp.'" 
 
 I should say more, but want to get this into the post at 
 once, so it will be sure to head you off. I should have written 
 before you sailed, but didn't discover your intended flight 
 until just this moment — too late to reach you with a letter in 
 this country. I shall expect to hear from you at once on your 
 receiving tins — possibly you may be able to explain your con- 
 duct. In the meantime, I am the same 
 
 Hank 
 
 P. S. — You recollect Bill Sykes. who, on account of his 
 size, always used to be " Snapper" when we played " Crack 
 the whip " ? Well, I met him the other day ; he has grown to 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 be a polished man of some political note in his locality. You 
 can never be sure how a boy will iurn out when he reaches 
 manhood. You know we thought he would never be of 
 greater use than that which we put him to while at school. 
 This discovery look me down a peg or two, and calls to mind 
 what you used to say about the uncertainty of what a boy will 
 make as a man : " It's easier to point out the young drake than 
 to distinguish the fool from the genius." 
 
 The Same Hank. 
 
 I at once sat down and penned the following 
 incoherent letter, which, as an example of what 
 one will say on the spur of the moment, makes in- 
 teresting reading for sober moments : 
 
 (It occurs to me that some exacting reader may 
 deem these letters out of place in a serious work 
 like this, so I will state that my reason for insert- 
 ing them is that I find the body of this book does 
 not quite fit the covers I had designed for its 
 reception — and as a sort of limitation to my "say," 
 On making this discovery I scratched my head 
 thoughtfully, when the thought of wedging in 
 these letters came to my mind. Great head ?) 
 
 XXV 
 
 Bingen-on-the-Rhine, Germany, 
 
 November l']fh, iS — . 
 
 LETTER ' 
 HANK. 
 
 Dear Hank : Your letter addressed 
 to me at this place just reached my hand. 
 You can't know what pleasure a letter 
 addressed to me in the wilds of Europe — and written by you 
 
 S 
 
114 Four Centuries After 
 
 I YEARN TO WRITE 
 " POETRY," BUT — ! 
 
 of all human beings— affords me, notwithslanding the scathing 
 rebuke it bears ; which rebuke may have been considered 
 ever so deserving, but is really unjust. 
 
 Yes, I will own that I have had some 
 
 SOMETIME I WOULD • ,1, , , r •.• i. 1 ^ 
 
 serious thoughts of writing a book, to 
 
 FATHER MY THOUGHTS. rr 
 
 which I should affix my own name. You 
 know I have launched several fledgling thoughts on the 
 world over fictitious names, but you may not know that I have 
 always had an abiding hope that some day I might have the 
 courage to step boldly forth and father some of my numerous 
 metaphorical offspring. 
 
 You know that my natural bent is 
 poetry — that I was ordained by a Higher 
 Power to be a poet. You will recollect 
 how some seemingly insignificant occasion used to agitate the 
 spirit of poetry in me, and that the resulting stanzas were not 
 only an anodyne, but were a sure cure for hardening of the 
 heart — would soften the most callous criminal until quite re- 
 signed to die violently. You may not have watched the mar- 
 ket quotations lately, so I'll tell you that my early medium of 
 expression — poetry (?) — has hardly a market value. Managers 
 of some periodicals (ready to take advantage of a weak point 
 in their fellow-men) even charge for space occupied by so-called 
 poetry, with a fair prospect of reaching wealth by a short cut. 
 Yes, Hank ; poetry (particularly whole volumes of it) is the 
 most difficult product, possibly excepting the Rutabaga turnip, 
 to hoist on the market. 
 
 NOTORIETY IS FAME ^ "^^""^ thought to couccal my real 
 
 OF A DOUBTFUL purposc in attractive covers and a mislead- 
 
 CHARACTER. j^g title, get the reader thoroughly inter- 
 
 ested in some leading problem of the day ; then — the reader 
 thoroughly beguiled — like the boy who set the pail of water 
 above the door for the other boy to receive when he came 
 through, to deluge him with diluted poetry. I reasoned that 
 the ingenuity of this scheme at least would bring me notoriety, 
 if not fame ; and is not notoriety simply fame of a doubtful 
 character? If not, who will presume to point the line of 
 demarcation ? 
 
Four Centuries After i f 5 
 
 GAINED A HEARING BY ^ Understand that some of our well- 
 BRAYiNG IN HIGH c— kuowti (or much known) authors have 
 
 WHY I HUSH MY gained a hearing by braying in high C, 
 
 CAROL. Qj. i^y some like extraordinary performance 
 
 which spoke nothing of literary ability. But my better, no- 
 bier nature conquers ! I will not come before the public in a 
 mean disguise, at least. However, to speak frankly, there are 
 other influences than that of a mercenary nature which influ- 
 enced me in hushing my carol : Macaulay says, " As civiliza- 
 tion advances, poetry almost necessarily declines " ; and I see 
 that an eminent French critic (Jules Lemaitre) predicts that 
 poets and poetry will be extinct by the year 2000. It is 
 really this information which decides it — I shall not enter the 
 field of song. I shall labor in prose. It would profit me lit- 
 tle to gain immortality that should at once begin to wane, and 
 entirely expire at the close of the next century. Neither do I 
 wish to be accused of retarding the glorious march of civiliza- 
 tion. But, Hank, I will offer you and the boys the consoling 
 assurance that (denying myself poetry as an outlet for my 
 hoisted emotions) I will express myself in flexible prose — prose 
 that would sometimes criminate me if writing poetry were 
 really a criminal offence, instead of a mild misdemeanor. 
 
 But it is not always easy — in fact, it rarely is easy — to find 
 a public ready to pay for the privilege of being tortured with 
 a book written in prose by an " anon " genius. 
 HAS TO CREATE THE ^ome onc of acknowledged authority 
 
 TASTES WITH WHICH has Said that " only by accident is a work 
 HE IS TO BE ENJOYED, of gcnius immediately popular,"' so you 
 will see. Hank — believing the assertion to be true — the success 
 my debut hinges on an accident. But the same authority 
 goes on to state that "a really great man has to create the 
 tastes with which he is to be enjoyed." You begin to realize 
 the stupendous task I have undertaken ? It seems almost as 
 hopeless as our early attempts to lift ourselves by our respec- 
 tive boot-straps ! I am to create the tastes by which I am to be 
 appreciated ! Read that over slowly, Hank, and try to grasp 
 its full significance. How v/ould you, an unknown rustic, like 
 the task of creating a new style of hat ? To be sure, you 
 
ii6 Four Centuries After 
 
 could invent a hat that would be as novel as " Dick's hat- 
 band," but to create a taste for that peculiar style of hat, would 
 be the rub. Do you see ? 
 
 My book shall be unique in many re- 
 
 MV BOOK SHALL BE t T Ml t ». • t 
 
 spects : I will agree not to insert superan- 
 
 UNIQUE. ^ . , . , 
 
 nuated wood-cuts m my book, asking the 
 purchaser of a copy to believe they are typical scenes of the 
 country np to date; I will not ask the "-dear reader" to 
 stand with me on Mt. Blanc and view the promised land — 
 this would injure the eyesight and destroy the confidence of 
 the reader. 1 will religiously avoid those long, rapt descrip- 
 tions of man, other animals and things, which go so far 
 toward determining the length, breadth, and thickness of a 
 work on travel and discoveries. 
 
 '■ But," you say, " what, in the name of wonder, will you put 
 in your book V My dear Hank, there are many things to say 
 that may just as well be catalogued " Travel and Discovery" as 
 otherwise. Few will note the deception ; and 1 will so far gain 
 the confidence of many of my readers, they will even endeavor 
 to locate the theatre of my dreams. This is touching, isn't it ? 
 You will begin to see that my scheme is 
 TO FILL A WANT THAT ^^^^j^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ proposed work is cun- 
 
 WAS NEVER FELT. . , , . , ^,, , r i r 
 
 nmgly designed to hll a long-ielt — 1 was 
 about to say, a long-felt want ; but I really hope to fill a want 
 so novel that it has never been felt — -a sort of intangible one, you 
 see. I'll send you a sample copy as soon as out, if you will 
 solemnly agree to conceal it about your person until the ver- 
 dict is in. Then should it be decided that my idea is in ad- 
 vance of the age, you are to surreptitiously insert it in your 
 fireplace, where, as the poet would express it, it will impart a 
 momentary warmth and cheery glow, at least, and thus will 
 not have been born wholly in vain. 
 
 But to come down to a serious discus- 
 THE FIELD OF Dis- ^^^^^ ^f ^^^ fj^jj ^f discovcry. As you 
 
 COVERY. . • r 1 1 1 1 
 
 intimate, this field has been gone over 
 pretty thoroughly, and a bnok now and then (and several be- 
 tween times) has been written on travel. You know. Hank, 
 that when the cows have fed the pasture pretty close — until 
 
Four Centuries After 117 
 
 they go roaming about with their heads in the air — the sheep 
 come along and get a good living ; they nibble close, go right 
 down to the root of the matter. Now, for illustration, we 
 will assume that I am a sheep. By the way, do you recollect 
 the ram Silas Wright used to let graze in his orchard ? I never 
 think of a sheep, I can't even eat mutton, that I don't recall 
 how he (the ram, bless its soul) used to help us out with our 
 apples ! Talk of the walls of Jericho ! Why, the prints of 
 his horns still linger like a birth-mark on — but we'll reluc- 
 tantly let that pass. 
 
 To return to our presumptuous comparison : the sheep nib- 
 ble close — go right down to the root of the matter, and get a 
 living where the cows leave off. It seems pretty hard, but to 
 carry out the comparison I'll get a living (?) in the field of dis- 
 covery, where the cows have left off. Turning to art : the 
 average tourist will own that a subject worthy of our thought 
 should be treated radically ; yet, with this conviction still 
 warm, he goes scurrying over the country (here we drop the 
 cow and sheep), catching a gay butterfly here, a scarabee there, 
 instead of giving his attention to art, as he set out to do. 
 I need hardly ask if this is sustaining the dignity of his pur- 
 pose. The mistaking ones don't seem to realize that this is 
 entomology, pure and simple It is well enough to be alert 
 for a rare species of bug — sometimes the subject is forced 
 upon you, but to devote your whole time to entomology to the 
 exclusion of art is contrary to the dictates of reason. Just so 
 soon as the tourist turns from art and goes scurrying over the 
 country in quest of bugs, the painter drops his brush, the 
 sculptor his chisel — I believe those are the respective tools 
 used by these artists, although I haven't had a brush in my 
 hand since we finished painting our old punt years ago. By 
 the way, did you ever find out who it was loaded that craft 
 with stone and sank her at the foot of the bridge ? I knew 
 that paint was an innovation, and would cause jealousy ; from 
 pitch to paint v/as too much for the boys. And the chisel ! 
 You can't forget (I didn't believe you would at the time) the 
 Sabbath we marred, with our hammer and chisel, in an effort 
 to render our initials immortal on the rocks above the old 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 stone church ? How something happened that evening in the 
 back shed — the same old demonstration of cause and effect. 
 I am sure that the memory of that occasion clung about 
 your anatomy for the several days ensuing at least. Your 
 father had strong religious convictions, but his right arm was 
 still stronger. Altogether, this was a painful epoch in our 
 lives ; but, do you know, Hank, I'd gladly pass through it 
 again ! 
 
 You see, I can't keep to my text at all in writing to you. I 
 forget art, everything, and go back to the old threshing- 
 ground. I was saying, as soon as the tourist turns from art 
 and goes scurrying over the country in quest of bugs, art loses 
 its stimulus and the artist neglects his work. Seeing here a 
 sadly neglected field of discovery, I am paying considerable 
 attention to art, not to the neglect of my stomach, however ; 
 but I may say that, next to foraging for something to eat, get- 
 ting knowledge of the arts is paramount. Look up "para- 
 mount " to make sure you are following me. 
 
 You should see me standing before a 
 
 MY MANffiuvRiNGs ^^,^^ ^^^ painting, or fresco-one of 
 
 I^f ART. ° . ^ ^ . ^' ... 
 
 those pieces of virtu whose inspiring pur- 
 pose met its Waterloo with Napoleon. Your untrained eye 
 would pass it by with the observation (mentally spoken, as 
 though addressed to the Deity) : " Where, oh, where will the 
 advertiser of soap and stomach bitters get space next, now 
 that he has invaded the very sanctuary of art?" Tourists 
 from your section often make the same mistake. Hank ; l)ut, 
 thanks to the All-Wise and Beneficent, they never receive a 
 second shock by discovering their mistake — they are so con- 
 stituted that they never realize their blunder. 
 
 I repeat (a failing which threatens my immortality), you 
 should see me standing before a great painting or fresco ; see 
 me back up and step on some one's toes, pass to the right and 
 then to the left, then stop close in front. You would think 
 me afflicted with a mild kind of dementia. That would be 
 doing me a further injustice. All these movements are per- 
 formed by the art critic. He is in search of high light, low 
 light, sky light, and perspective. He tries to place himself in 
 
Foicr Centuries After 119 
 
 touch with the artist — tries to grasp motif, which sometimes is 
 very elusive, like the marsh-light we used to chase along the 
 creek, till we got wet feet and the conventional tanning. 
 
 It would seem that sometimes an artist 
 ACTION WITHOUT A ^^^^^^ ^^^ ^j^j^ nothing definite but his 
 
 MOTIF. . 1 , , , , 
 
 canvas, paint, and brush ; he leaves the 
 world to discover his motif. And right here the skilled crilic 
 shows his almost divine insight. He sees beyond the artist, 
 even ^beyond the vision of the reader of his criticism, into 
 the vague and (to the ordinary mortal) the intangible, and 
 grasps a motif, thus rescuing the artist's reputation from 
 oblivion. 
 
 Do my thoughts jostle and trip up each other, Hank ? Am 
 I wading out a little too deep, as I used to say when you were 
 learning to swim ? Just give the word, and I'll stop. I don't 
 wish to take you where it's over your head. What I want to 
 tell you is that the painter, like the author of our novel (not 
 to mention the work in hand), doesn't always make his pur- 
 pose, the lesson he wishes to teach, as apparent as the steer's 
 horns on our old hat-rack — his motif doesn't stick out so you 
 could hang your hat on it ; so, along comes the critic, the 
 reviewer (the artist's and author's go-between), to clarify the 
 public's mind of maddening doubt. The idea may still fail 
 to stick out, but, with a dubious smile of wisdom, we accept 
 the go-between's word in lieu of conviction. 
 
 Why, Hank, now that I have got my 
 I'LL TAKE A REEF IN ^^^^^^^ ^oUed Up, I could make the whole 
 
 MY ENTHUSIASM. _ . . 
 
 domain of art as clear to you as — as — 
 well, as plain as those " sunnies " that used to dilly-dally 
 about our hooks. And I tell you the domain of art is bigger 
 than the Russian Empire, including some inter-Asiatic ter- 
 ritory of doubtful dominion. This will give you a vague, 
 very vague notion of what one tackles (that's a forceful word, 
 eh?) when he attempts to comprehend art, and will make you 
 feel awfully proud of me (no, don't mention it), and catise you 
 to hustle around to take back the cruel imputations (I don't 
 know whether that's just the word or not) you made in your 
 letter. Yes, I'll take a reef in my enthusiasm. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 " This thing has reached unexpected 
 WE TRY TO SUPPRESS dimensions," as the philosopher remarked 
 
 THE AUTHOR. i , , , ■, , 
 
 when he lound that the cucumber had 
 burst the bottle he was growing it in. I intended simply to 
 write a few lines to let you know that — how that recalls the 
 old copy-book — to let you know that my purpose in organizing 
 this expedition was not only honorable but generous ; but 
 those reminiscences (not bacteria) have crept in and so length- 
 ened and expanded its dimensions, I shall have to send it as 
 manuscript (an author's merchandise), and, iinless you let the 
 thing out, no one, not even the Postmaster-General, would 
 suspect that it was really personal correspondence. By the 
 way, I can send MSS. from Europe to the United States at 
 the rate of one cent for each two ounces, while Uncle Sam 
 charges four cents for carrying two ounces of same matter 
 from Kalamazoo to Schoolcraft — both post-offices, as you 
 know, being in the same county and only a few miles 
 apart. And still I boast that I am a citizen of the land of 
 the free and the home of the brave, and cheap and rapid 
 transit — whenever I find any one who can, and is willing to, 
 understand Columbian. 
 
 You recollect that when we used to go 
 "I WAS ABOUT TO ^^ ^^^j. ^y^^^ ^^ rccitc, about as sure as 
 
 REMARK." . - , ,. , , - 
 
 fate we used to discover that we had a 
 pretty distinct knowledge of everything but our lesson ? 
 Well, what I particularly had to tell you in this letter, after 
 correcting your false notion of my purpose, was the principal 
 purpose of ihe Expedition. Art, over which I have raved to 
 the eternal destruction of several sheets of choice linen paper, 
 is really a matter of secondary importance to the Expedition, 
 though personally I am all art, as I announced a few pages 
 since. The paramount purpose of the Expedition is to discover 
 the source of the Rhine. We are also curious to know how a 
 river is generally made, and particularly the construction of 
 the Rhine. We wish to watch it grow and expand from a 
 small, insignificant mountain torrent, to a grand, castellated 
 river. To be exact, we shall reverse this plan, and watch the 
 river contract. From the source of the Rhine we shall (mind 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 you, shall) proceed to Venice, thus completing a trip across 
 the European continent. 
 
 YOUR BACK, NOT THE ^ ^^ rccoUcct thc olcl map we used to 
 ■ MONOTONY, WAS throw walttut shucks at to break the 
 BROKEN. monotony of school life — how you were 
 
 caught in the act and persuaded to sit on the floor with your 
 feet resting on a bench a foot and a half above the base of 
 learning, and how you used to declare that when you came 
 out of the hour-and-a-half seance your back, and not the 
 monotony, had been broken? Does the old map stand out 
 now in your memory? I thought I could call it up. 
 
 You see the ragged outline of Europe? Well, right here is 
 Amsterdam (where many of those from Wayback project their 
 European tour), a city you were always fond of pronouncing, 
 because it contained a dam. Boys, like parrots, take a tena- 
 cious hold of cuss words. Here at Amsterdam the Expedition 
 was fitted out, so to speak, and was started on its perilous 
 journey. Now, following my finger, note the line described 
 by the Rhine to its alleged source in the Alps — a discussed 
 point the Expedition is to set at rest ; thence to Milan, around 
 which city we take a half-turn with our line, as though Milan 
 were a snubbing-post ; then we carried said line due east, and 
 fastened it to one of tiiose little striped posts to which the 
 gondolier of Venice secures his craft. 
 
 Now, on this line, something like an 
 SHALL HANG MY EX- attenuated clothesline, I shall hang a 
 
 PLOITS ON OUR LINE . 
 
 OF MARCH batch of most astounding experiences — 
 
 astounding alike for their truthfulness 
 and unique design. In addition to pinning my exploits to 
 this line. I shall have them stronglj' bound together by a com- 
 petent book-binder, so that none may slip away into some one 
 else's book. I have had a few somewhat narrow escapes, but, 
 the Lord being willing, I shall experience a few narrower 
 ones. You see, I don't care how narrow they are (down to the 
 breadth of the typical hair, which, as you know, is the prover- 
 bial limitation), so long as I escape. An exploit that doesn't 
 allow its hero to escape has a depressing effect on the reader 
 — likewise on the hero. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 No, Hank ; that i5 not much of a ride 
 
 A WET "hitch" in , ,, . , ^ 
 
 — but we are walking ; and after you 
 
 HIS DEMONSTRATION. => ' J 
 
 have walked a few days, and your shoes 
 have shrunk at all points of the compass (as we mariners say), 
 until you have to use a pile-driver to get tliem on your thrifty 
 feet, the objective point (Venice) seems to recede — becomes 
 farther off, gets coy, as it were. A tramp across Europe, 
 Hank, is even farther than it used to seem up to the swamp 
 and back — particularly " and back." Do you recollect the 
 day we skated up and back, and on the return trip you showed 
 me how much easier it was to skate over an air-hole than to go 
 round it ? — how your demonstration had a hitch in it, and how 
 I threw you my tippet and you pulled me into the same 
 demonstration ? — how we sat the rest of the afternoon before 
 the old grist-mill stove, steaming and poking the fire? Yes, 
 you recollect it ; and I recollect that mother asked me the 
 next day : " Benjamin ' (whenever her opening remark was 
 headed with " Benjamin." I pulled myself together for serious 
 thought) — " Benjamin, why are your clothes so wrinkled, 
 your breeches so short, and so baggy at the knee ? " 
 
 " Mother," I replied, in an offended air, " what can you 
 expect when you send me chasing about town in the rain to 
 match a shade of silk that couldn't be found in Paris ?" 
 
 Of course, my reply was made to scout 
 
 SCOUTING THE TRUE ,, . , , . ., 
 
 the true issue, and was what the opposing 
 counsel would pronounce irrelevant and 
 immaterial. In those days I used to stand off the issue — 
 used to compromise with my conscience and the true issue, 
 and I have known you to strain a point until it almost broke^ 
 to avoid a thrashing ; nowadays my conscience is altogether 
 too alert, too keenly analytical to allow of such subterfuge. 
 Now I either tell the truth in a matter-of-fact way as though 
 it were a set habit with me, from which even a slight departure 
 were impossible, or tell a well-fortified lie and charge its full 
 market value to my account with the gate-keeper. 
 
 Now, I would say, " Mother, I can't 
 
 I WOULD BE GENEROUS. ,, ,. tt , 1,1 • i • 
 
 tell a he ; Hank pulled me into his 
 demonstration ; he's to blame, and will receive the effect of 
 
Four Centuries After 123 
 
 which he was the cause " — and you would get a double 
 dose— after your father's prescription. 
 
 The other day I walked nearly all day 
 
 I WAS BACK AGAIN, j^^ ^j^^ ^.^j^ ^^^j ^^ ^^j j^^ j ^,^g ^^^ jj^^j^ 
 
 HANK. ° 
 
 dryer than that demonstration of yours. 
 
 Instead of an old box-stove, with no end of dry wood, I found 
 
 the typical European heater — a pretty, glazed-tile affair, whose 
 
 purpose you would never suspect unless you saw the opening 
 
 where the thing is fed, I asked permission to go round and 
 
 sit at that end (the executive end, I call it) — I believe they 
 
 were starving the poor thing. Well, I piled on the fagots till 
 
 her pulse ran up to fever heat and my clothes began to steam. 
 
 With my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands, I sat 
 
 and watched the warm glow and listened to the crackling 
 
 fagots. I forgot the Great Discoverer in the wilds of Europe 
 
 — forgot the discomfort of wet clothing, and was back by the 
 
 old box-stove in the grist-mill, poking the fire and speculating 
 
 on "how we'd get out of it." 
 
 It's no use. Hank, in trying to bring this letter to a nice 
 
 close, so I'll abruptly say — take care of yourself, and don't 
 
 overdo iji an attempt to become notorious, and I will remain 
 
 the same ^ - 
 
 Ben. 
 
 P. S. — Address me care of Shepard's Hotel, Cairo, Egypt. 
 I am going to cross to Egypt, even if I have to stow myself 
 away in the hold, or perch, bird-like, on the cross-tree of 
 some trans-Mediterranean steamer. 
 
 P. S. No. 2. — My first impulse on read- 
 " YOU MAY BREAK, ■ ^^^ advlcc, " Writc an enthusiastic 
 
 YOU MAY RUIN THE . . . 
 
 'vAwz'" treatise on skunk farming, or on dog 
 
 meat as human food, or write the biog- 
 raphy of a shrimp" — ^I say, my first impulse on reading such 
 advice was to entirely ignore it, as I suspected you of trying 
 to guy me. I know very little about the habits of a shrimp, 
 know less about dog meat as human food, and as to skunk 
 farming, the idea is ridiculous. However, I could write an 
 exhaustive treatise on the all-pervading qualities of the one 
 we caught across the abdomen in our old double-spring bear- 
 
124 Four Centuries After 
 
 trap. I never asked you if you excavated the suit of clothing 
 you buried. "You may break, you may ruin the vase" — 
 pronounced *' vawz " by an extra-nice collector of bric-a-brac 
 whom I met while at large in a collection a few days since. 
 To satisfy my curiosity to know that my ears were serving 
 their purpose, I betrayed the art collector into chatting about 
 vases for some time. I would say : " Of course, you have 
 seen the celebrated urn [not vase, mind you] found in the 
 tomb of Emperor Alexander Severus, and which was afterward 
 purchased by the Duke of Portland ?" 
 
 Certainly, he had seen the celojirated Portland " vawz." 
 Yes, it was unmistakably " vawz." Would you suspect that 
 the scent of the roses would hang round a "vawz ?" It 
 seems incredible ! And, by the way, it seems quite as incred- 
 ible how I hang round this letter — " like a pup to a root," you 
 would say. 
 
 B. H. 
 
 XXVI 
 
 THE ART OF PRINT- Durlog thc lattcf half of the 
 
 ™°- fifteenth century, while Columbus 
 
 was going round from court to court begging 
 some one to give him an introduction, and a west- 
 erly passage, to the Khan-Khan of Tartary, the 
 art of printing by movable type was first invented. 
 Notwithstanding the rival claims of Haarlem, 
 Holland, and Feltre, Italy, the Germans hold that 
 the first printing from movable type was done in 
 Mayence, and that John Gutenberg, and not John 
 Fust, was the " fust " printer. This discussion of 
 " who and where " has served as a stimulant in 
 perfecting the art of printing. It seems incredi- 
 ble, however, that any one should have been bold 
 enough to lay claim to such job work as was exe- 
 
Four Centuries After 125 
 
 cuted in those days. The printer of to-day would 
 use several columns of our morning paper in a 
 denial, if, in fact, he were not summoned to appear 
 before the Grand Jury to answer to a criminal 
 charge. The work is prett}?-, but when it comes 
 to reading the imprint from type fashioned after 
 Gothic handwriting, or pure Caroline minuscule, 
 with their contractions and ligatures, their breath- 
 ings and accents, to all of which is added the 
 illumination of an Oriental sunrise, we turn to 
 the chirography of a late departed editor with a 
 sigh of relief. After perusing a printed page of 
 Gutenberg's time we could easily account for the 
 existence of "cursive" type. We should need a 
 whole font of cursive type if we were to find our 
 morning paper printed in the Gutenberg style. 
 
 It is interesting to note that the first job work 
 struck off with the new system was the letters of 
 indulgence issued by Pope Nicholas V. in behalf 
 of the Kingdom of Cyprus. The source of this 
 information does not state what outrage the little 
 island of Cyprus had committed, or the price of 
 the indulgence. Statistics and history are often 
 quiet when they succeed in getting us interested. 
 Some one has quoted some one 
 
 SOME ONe(?). , , . , 111 
 
 else as havmg observed that the 
 pen is mightier than the sword, and we would add 
 that the press (Hoe's latest) and the typewriter 
 (the instrument, not the girl operator) are a mighty 
 improvement on the two first-mentioned instru- 
 ments. Just think, if it were not for the press this 
 volume would never have had an existence, and 
 
126 Four Centuries After 
 
 the world would have gone on famishing for 
 knowledge and intellectual life. Yes ; next to 
 the distillery, the press is undoubtedly the great- 
 est lever in the world. 
 
 XXVII 
 
 THE EUROPEAN WAR Ycar after year, my morning 
 cloud! paper has contained an article 
 
 calling the reader's attention to itself with this 
 startling head-line (in type almost as arresting as 
 those used in show bills) : 
 
 " THE EUROPEAN WAR CLOUD ! " 
 
 That interest which we naturally have for an 
 event with fight in it, whether the contestants be 
 man or beast, and the confidence I reposed in the 
 editor of my morning paper, used to betray me 
 into reading column after column of European 
 war rumors, until I began to suspect that my 
 editor and the Associated Press were " faking " 
 for the edification of their subscribers. 
 
 With my knowledge of physics, I began to won- 
 der if clouds, properly so called, constructed after 
 nature's formula, could remain suspended year 
 after year without precipitating an occasional 
 shower. Then it occurred to me that every cloud 
 has its silver lining, and I asked if it could be that 
 the editor of my paper (who had promised to serve 
 me with news) was, assisted by the Associated 
 Press, getting up these clouds for the silver that 
 was in them. 
 
 Here was another doubt to be explored by the 
 
Four Centuries After 127 
 
 Expedition ; and ever since we arrived in Europe 
 we have been collecting data (which is perfectly 
 innocuous, however) on the subject. Now, with 
 our comprehensive collection of data in hand, I 
 am able to give a very lucid notion of what a 
 European war cloud really is. It is not " visible 
 vapor floating in the air at a considerable height 
 from the earth's surface, liable to be precipitated 
 by a falling temperature," as one who has studied 
 meteorology might suppose it to be, but is a vague 
 surmise which emanates from the arsenals and soldier 
 mam{ factories of £urope, and goes floating about in 
 the press. The war clouds are usually small, and 
 what might be called "cumulus," and really 
 promise peace rather than war. Occasionally, 
 however, the war clouds assume the aspect of 
 "nimbus" just prior to a rain-fall; but a warm 
 breeze comes along and the threatened storm is 
 arrested, although the Produce Exchange may 
 have been visibly affected. 
 
 HE WAS vEKv GaARH- ^hilc at Mayeucc I met a Ger- 
 ED IN EXPRESSING HIS man who had spent several years 
 
 OPINION. • A ■ 1 1 
 
 ui America, where he accumu- 
 lated a comfortable little fortune, and with which 
 he had returned to the place of his birth to spend 
 the remainder of his life and American money. 
 In conversation with him I tried to induce him to 
 express an opinion as to the prospects of war in 
 Europe. He was very guarded in expressing his 
 opinion, as though he felt he were exposing him- 
 self to the smallpox. He simply shrugged his 
 shoulders (which might mean one thing or an- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 other), and said that he had " no means of know- 
 ing Vhat might happen at any moment." I pon- 
 dered long over this comprehensive reply — turned 
 it over and over, and viewed it from all sides, but 
 nothing throughout its length and breadth was 
 revealed that the Emperor could possibly call trea- 
 son. " No-means-of-knowing-what-might-happen- 
 at-any-moment ! " 
 
 As I continued to turn it over in my mind, a 
 feeling of inexpressible apprehension came over 
 me, and I began to have an almost uncontrollable 
 impulse to look under the chair I was sitting on. 
 " At any moment! " I felt like abandoning the 
 expedition at once and fleeing to America. " At 
 ANY MOMENT ! " and I reached into my waistcoat 
 pocket for a capsule of bromide. 
 
 If he had told me the old, old story, that "war 
 was unavoidable, and would possibly go careering 
 by, trailing its scarlet cloud, in less than a holy 
 minute," I would have sat calmly b}^ and informed 
 him that he was quite a breezy liar — a liar of the 
 old school, vending the same ideas in the same 
 phraseology ; but his " might happen at any mo- 
 ment ! " for all he knew, was too modern a way 
 of putting it for my comprehension. Possibly 
 there was a key to this style of expression which 
 would disclose a hidden meaning? 
 
 But here the bromide began to 
 
 A GAME AT BLUFF. , , _ ^ , , , 
 
 work, and I felt calmer and more 
 at ease. Thinking to draw him out by cross-ques- 
 tioning, I asked him if he knew of any one who 
 wanted to fight, anyway — if all the threatened war 
 
Fotcr Centuries After 129 
 
 wasn't bluff — if he had heard any one of the 
 European powers ask its neighbor to " brush a 
 chip off its shoulder." 
 
 The seeming perplexity this fusillade of ques- 
 tions caused him made me feel bolder, and I de- 
 clared it to be my candid opinion that if someone 
 would jump up and say "Scat ! " all of a sudden, 
 one and all, big and little, of the European pow- 
 ers would scamper like mice when a parlor-match 
 is scratched at three o'clock in the morning. Al- 
 though my sudden sally was unexpected and 
 caused him to squirm a little, he ventured no 
 reply, but began to boast of Germany's great 
 army, and called to my mind that, in proportion 
 to its inhabitants, the standing army of the United 
 States of America was the smallest in the world. 
 I could see that he felt sure he 
 
 THEN I BOASTED OF 
 
 OUR STANDING ARMY had mc, aud I did feel pretty close 
 °^" "-D-'s- pressed ; but, rallying, I picked 
 
 up the first missile at hand. It was this : " That 
 America has, by great odds, the largest standing 
 army of doctors of medicin-e of any country in 
 the world, each individually armed to the teeth 
 with a pill-bag, more destructive to friend and foe 
 than a Gatling gun in the hands of the most bit- 
 ter enemy." 
 
 This was too much for his batteries, and he 
 suffered an ignominious defeat. 
 
 When he had somewhat recov- 
 
 HE HAD PASSED 
 
 THROUGH AN " EN- crcd, hc told mc, with touching 
 
 GAGEMENT." pathos, that during his sojourn 
 
 in America he once had occasion, as he thought, 
 9 
 
130 Four Centuries After 
 
 to call in a physician. Providence guided him to 
 a young man who was feeling around with the in- 
 dorsement of a cheap diploma, to determine if the 
 profession was a congenial one. The young man 
 diagnosed his case, and (with an alacrity the patient 
 mistook for American push) pronounced him a 
 " goner ! " Seemingly to bear him out in this start- 
 ling statement, he prescribed a dose that smote the 
 patient where he lived, and made him have confi- 
 dence in the young physician's prognosis. How- 
 ever, he did recover from the effect of the drug — 
 not to mention his slight ailment — although he be- 
 lieves he had a peep into the everlasting reward. 
 
 I saw that what I have said was liable to add to 
 a bad opinion, so I told him I knew quite a num- 
 ber of physicians who were doubtlessly acting con- 
 scientiously, and intelligently, in prescribing drugs 
 — and others who would like to do the same, but 
 hadn't a chance ; and that, although there were 
 many who hadn't the patience to attend the pre- 
 scribed course of a college of established reputa- 
 tion, they had no end of patients as soon as they 
 put out their shingle — and thus was brought about 
 quietly what is produced on a noisy battlefield. 
 THE HAPPY EFFECT OF ItwouM sccm that \xv Europe 
 A DRUG. they entertained some extravagant 
 
 notions regarding the requirements of a licensed 
 practitioner in America. While at Bonn, the Ex- 
 pedition met a student who had put in some time 
 at Guy's Hospital, and in speaking of the exact- 
 ing demands on the European medical student, 
 he said a fellow-student, an American, had cited 
 
Four Centuries After 131 
 
 som^ queer cases of mal- (or unique) practice in 
 the States. He told of one young man who 
 slipped through the prescribed course with little 
 money and no conscience, and boldly tacked up a 
 shingle in a country town. It happened that one 
 of his first calls took him several miles into the 
 country. Arriving at the bedside of his patient, 
 he took her pulse — which, owing to his terroriz- 
 ing appearance, had gone up to ninety in the 
 shade — then, examining her tongue, he had arrived 
 at a diagnosis — she was sick. He didn't think to 
 ask what he had been called in for (the precaution 
 a young doctor who couldn't diagnose perfect 
 health, not to mention disease, should have taken) 
 — he didn't think to ask, and inspired all present 
 with so profound an awe, none thought to volun- 
 teer the information. " She had a slight cold, with 
 its resulting fever," and he prescribed as per 
 manual he carried in an inside pocket. 
 
 On the morrow his patient's husband, having an 
 errand to town, called at the doctor's office to pay 
 the fee for the previous day's visit. The doctor 
 accepted the fee ; and then, in a would-be matter- 
 of-fact way, asked if his prescription had had a 
 pleasing effect. " Yes, it had worked to a charm, 
 and both the child and mother were doing well." 
 
 But to return to the consideration of war. War, 
 like the disputes of individual neighbors, is some- 
 times brought about by some simple, senseless 
 occurrence, for the cause of which maybe neither 
 belligerents were responsible. I have a beautiful 
 little example of the warring of neighbors, which 
 
A RURAL DRAMA. 
 
 132 Four Centuries After 
 
 may or may not be apropos, but I venture to 
 bring it in right here. 
 
 Two neighbors, whom we will 
 call A and B, were thrifty farmers, 
 who knew more about farming than they did 
 about civil law ; but they were not aware of how 
 little they knew of law ; however, they — like one 
 or two other farmers we know — believed they 
 knew all there is of law, both civil and divine. 
 
 Act I 
 
 At the proper time they set about constructing 
 their respective gardens, which were so located 
 that nothing but a plain, board fence separated 
 them. Among the seed which A put in the ground 
 were a few squash seed of a choice variety ; and, 
 while he carefully covered them up and marked 
 the plot assigned them, he could almost feel the 
 first prize awarded for squash at the next fall's 
 county fair. It so happened that B planted seed 
 of a choice breed of pumpkins, just on the oppo- 
 site side of the division fence. B felt no less sure 
 that he would receive the first prize for pumpkins 
 at the county fair the ensuing fall. 
 
 Then the rain descended on the neighboring 
 gardens, after which the Sun brought his germi- 
 nating influence to bear on them. 
 
 Act II 
 
 Before long, on either side of the division fence 
 there could be seen many yards of vine, bearing 
 large, yellow blossoms. One day a large and Indus- 
 
Four Centuries After 133 
 
 trious bumble-bee came humming along, seeking 
 what he might discover. He entered one of the 
 yellow, bell-shaped pumpkin blossoms, and his 
 buzz was heard to grow small, until it was almost 
 lost on the observer's ear ; but in a moment it 
 began to grow louder again, until out came Mr. 
 Bumble-bee. He looked " too cute for anything," 
 all powdered with the golden pollen of the pump- 
 kin blossom. After admiring his dress for a mo- 
 ment, as he sat reflecting on the rim of the blos- 
 som, up he got and away he sailed across the 
 division line, and, without forethought or mali- 
 cious intent, entered one of A's squash blossoms. 
 
 Act hi 
 
 One day in the fall, these neighboring farmers 
 were seen in their respective gardens : one to har- 
 vest prize pumpkins : the other to gather in prize 
 squash. At first, they both showed surprise, which 
 emotion was followed by anger. A accused B of 
 maliciously planting pumpkins dangerously near his 
 squash ; B rejoined," with much spirit, that A was 
 the offender. At this A, forgetting all discretion, 
 vaulted the division fence, and, placing his fist in 
 close proximity to B's nose, addressed him by a 
 name not his own — by a name that did not smell 
 of the rose and should never have been applied to 
 a being fashioned after our Maker — and stated 
 that he could thrash a pumpkin grower in a bibli- 
 cal minute. B replied that he (A) was a liar, 
 
 and squared away for active service. 
 
134 Fou7- Ceniiiries Aftej- 
 
 Putting aside the Marquis of Queensberry rules, 
 they went at it — not to rectify the error of the 
 meddlesome bumble-bee — not to make prize pump- 
 kins and squash of muled truck, but because their 
 mad disappointment had driven out reason. After 
 a round or two, A got back on his side of the 
 fence with a black eye and other souvenirs of 
 the contest ; and while B was pretty badly winded, 
 he was by no means effectually thrashed. 
 
 Act IV 
 
 B, not knowing that law was invented for the 
 use of lawyers, is sure he sees a point of law that 
 he can use in punishing A for vaulting the divi- 
 sion fence ; he reasons that A not only got a 
 physical whipping, but at the same time "burnt 
 his fingers," legally ; and he consults a lawyer, 
 who tells him he has a sure thing — that there is 
 more money in it than in prize pumpkins. 
 
 They "try it on," but as both farmers have a 
 little bank account, the story is " to be continued 
 in our next " until it is carried " higher than 
 Gilderoy's kite " — and the lawyers win the case. 
 
 [curtain] 
 
 XXVIII 
 
 I AM GETTING FOND Thc cxtravagant use of " 'heim " 
 
 OF 'heim. g^g g terminal to the names of 
 
 towns in these parts is something astonishing, and 
 
 it occurs to me that here is opportunity for a poet 
 
Four Centuries After 135 
 
 of small calibre. The town that refuses to rhyme 
 with " 'heim " is the exception to the rule. Even 
 the label on a bottle placed near my plate at din- 
 ner has a " 'heim" on it ; and I must own that I 
 am getting fond of " 'heim." At first, I thought it 
 an innovation — it was so ever-present ; but, as we 
 all know, we can become reconciled to almost 
 anything, Rhine wine not excepted ; and now 
 the query arises, How will I ever exist without 
 " 'heim " when I get back where all stimulants but 
 water are " prohibited " ? 
 
 AT "work" in the To-day we saw the people at 
 VINEYARD. work in the vineyard, gathering 
 
 the last grapes of the season, from the expressed 
 juice of which they were to make a choice brand 
 of " 'heim." One of the men in the vineyard told 
 me he had spent four years in America, where he 
 had earned from $1.25 to $1.50 a day ; but he 
 couldn't stand American prosperity, so he came 
 back to the place of his birth. I asked him what 
 pay he was getting in the vineyard. If he worked 
 a day, he got the equivalent of about thirty-eight 
 cents United States money ; but should he ab- 
 sent himself from the vineyard until " the eleventh 
 hour," the fact would appear on the time-book, 
 and he would not receive pay for a whole day's 
 labor, as is promised those who labor in a vine- 
 yard I heard a deal about when I was a boy. 
 From those thirty-eight cents this man had to 
 clothe himself, pay for something to eat, and a 
 place to sleep ; what remained he was at liberty 
 to deposit in a bank, or spend foolishly. But I 
 
136 Four Centuries After 
 
 could plainly see why this young man chose to 
 work in a vineyard for thirty-eight cents to knock- 
 ing about in America at $1.25 or $1.50 — I found 
 him laboring with a bevy of young German girls. 
 And what sport they were having ! Their laugh 
 came rippling down from the hillside, peal after 
 peal, and so enraptured me, I enthusiastically told 
 the young German that he ought to be cut down 
 to eighteen cents a day. 
 
 XXIX 
 
 THE RHINE IS FORCED Thc pcoplc through whosc do- 
 To TOIL. minion the Rhine flows force her 
 
 to "work her passage" — tax her for the right of 
 way. A strong feeling of justice might prompt 
 one to pronounce this taxation an injustice ; that 
 in her many side excursions and turnings-back in 
 her journey to the sea, she had quite work enough, 
 and to ask her to propel the ferries that cross and 
 recross her bosom, and to turn the mills that 
 grind the corn of the country, is but little this side 
 of an outrage. A people's notion of justice is 
 determined by their, education : to the mind of 
 a savage, justice is one thing ; to the thinking of 
 a free-born American, it is quite another. How- 
 ever, be it justice or not, the fact remains that 
 the energy of the Rhine is harnessed to many 
 ferry-boats and grist-mills. 
 THE RHINE FERRY- ^u thc first occaslou we had 
 
 BOAT. to cross the upper course of the 
 
 Rhine, we were struck with the simple ingenuity 
 
Four Centuries After 137 
 
 employed in the construction of the ferry-boats 
 and their mode of propulsion. The boat is a flat 
 affair, with perpendicular sides, much after the 
 style of the Mississippi flat-boat, or Hank's punt. 
 We looked in vain for the typical rudder ; and as 
 we left the shore we began to grow apprehensive ; 
 it looked like a vile plot to set us adrift at the 
 mercy of the impetuous current, which would carry 
 us, with her old-time accuracy, on a treacherous 
 rock, where we should be wrecked and drowned. 
 Then, after the autopsy (when the true inward- 
 ness of the Great Explorer's purpose would be 
 revealed, along with other viscera), he would be 
 canonized. We have no deep-rooted objections 
 to being a saint while alive, but do object to that 
 process necessitating our demise — which arrange- 
 ment would defeat the purpose of the Expedition. 
 We strongly protest against any courtesy or token 
 of deep esteem that stops, or even retards, the 
 progress of our enterprise. 
 
 But to return to the ferry-boat on which we had 
 taken passage. We were filled with apprehension 
 (deducting a late breakfast, of course), as we saw 
 and felt the boat leave the shore without the re- 
 assuring tiller. We reasoned that we would feel 
 much more secure if we could see a tiller, even 
 though " pleasure were at the helm." However, 
 when our attention was called to our motor power 
 we experienced a degree of security that was en- 
 joyable indeed ; and we began at once to specu- 
 late on the possibilities of our adapting the same 
 attachment to a steamship in crossing the stretch 
 
138 Four Centuries After 
 
 of long, lonesome sea that rolled between us and 
 our home. 
 
 We will attempt a description of this propelling 
 and guiding attachment. A strong cable is at- 
 tached to the up-river side of our craft, at a point 
 exactly amidship. This strong cable has another 
 end, which end is securely anchored at a point up 
 and in the centre of the river, possibly one-fourth 
 mile distant from the end attached to the ferry. 
 Two guy cables, one leading from what we will 
 designate as the bow of the craft, and the other 
 from the opposite end, are attached to the main 
 cable at a point a few feet from the boat. It will at 
 once be seen that if theseguys, being of an equal 
 length, are attached to the side of the boat at an 
 equal distance from the attachment of the traction 
 or main cable, they will have the effect of keeping 
 the side of the ferry at exactly a right angle with 
 the sustaining or main cable ; and the force of the 
 descending stream pressing against the side of 
 the boat would cause said boat to seek the centre 
 of the stream and there remain suspended. But 
 such is not the desire of the ordinary passenger — 
 he wishes to get across the river. To achieve this, 
 end, all that is necessary is to shorten the gu}' 
 cable at the end of the boat facing the channel, 
 while its fellow is being lengthened, which will 
 have the effect of bringing the forward end of the 
 craft around until the force of the current strikes 
 her on the quarter, as we sailors express it, and 
 thus pushes her across the river. 
 
 To return the craft to the shore of departure 
 
Four Centuries After 139 
 
 all that is necessary is to reverse the re/ative 
 length of the guys, and, presto ! she moves. This 
 effect of the current of the stream on the flat side 
 of the boat is the same as that of a breeze on the 
 sails of a vessel. To mark the changing position 
 of this long sustaining cable, so that boats passing 
 up and down the river may avoid fouling it, gayly 
 painted buoys are attached to it at frequent inter- 
 vals throughout its length. 
 
 To stand on some distant height and watch this 
 great pendulum slowly oscillating from shore to 
 shore, on the shimmering surface of the Rhine, is 
 an ample reward for many a labored stride. 
 A FLEET OF GRIST- Thc grlst-mills, too, are pict- 
 
 MiLLs. uresque. How grossb^ deceived 
 
 we were the first time a fleet of them hove in sight. 
 We were turning a bend of the upper Rhine when 
 we saw, in a narrow part of the river, what we 
 mistook for a fleet of mediaeval side-wheelers, or 
 a plodding Dutch fleet that had wandered away 
 from the lower Rhine. Our attention was at once 
 called to the fact that they did not appear to be 
 making the time a contract now calls for in a 
 steamboat, and we reasoned that they were doubt- 
 less the Rhine Accommodation packet. By walk- 
 ing briskly for a few moments we overhauled 
 them, and were about to sing out, " Ship ahoy ! 
 Where bound?" when we discovered that each 
 and every one of the fleet was securely riding at 
 anchor. The cumbersome side-wheels were being 
 slowly turned by the swiftly passing current, which 
 produced the delusive impression that they were 
 
140 Four Centuries After 
 
 laboring to get up stream. We at once pictured 
 the sons of the soil bringing grist and their girls 
 to these mills on a bright, balmy day, and, while 
 the grain was being triturated, we could see them 
 going out on deck and delighting the girls with an 
 imaginary excursion. Such an outing would be 
 economical and free from those dangers which 
 beset the real excursion. They could add to the 
 exhilaration of such an occasion by imagining 
 (while their imagination was rampant) that each 
 boat of the fleet was contesting the lead. With 
 their girls at their side, the fact that each boat 
 remained in its respective place from year to year 
 would be of very little moment ; love would be on 
 the move, and, as love is blind, the excursionists 
 would not realize whether it was the Rhine rush- 
 ing by or the German Empire going in an oppo- 
 site direction, so bamboozling (this word is bor- 
 rowed) is the alleged effect of love. 
 
 XXX 
 
 I MEET MY MARGUE- Evcr slncc WB crosscd the Ger- 
 RiTE. vi\2i\\ frontier I have been looking 
 
 for my ideal Marguerite, the maiden with whom I 
 could personate the character of Faust. Yester- 
 day being the Sabbath, I attended services — ser- 
 vices conducted in an unknown tongue. As I 
 left the church, it occurred to me that the time 
 and place were propitious for me to make the 
 coveted discovery, and as the congregation came 
 out I looked expectingly at the faces of its younger 
 members. Sure enough, there it was ; that inno- 
 
Four Centuries After 141 
 
 cent, winsome face. Yes, and she was in the com- 
 pany of my hostess, who, recognizing me, cour- 
 tesied after the fashion of the German peasant. 
 Raising my hat, I joined them, and attempted by 
 a backward move of the head and a smile to ex- 
 press the pleasure I found in their service. I 
 learned, on reaching our little hotel, that my 
 Gretchen was a daughter of my host. 
 THE CURTAIN GOES That cvcnlng the chief of the 
 
 "^- Expedition occupied a bench by 
 
 a table in the combination family and public sit- 
 ting-room of our little hotel, making the daily 
 entry in the official journal. The mention that 
 the Expedition had discovered a natjve typical 
 beauty that morning was just penned when the 
 subject of the paragraph entered the room. Here 
 the pen was laid aside, and a mug of beer called 
 for. It was brought by our Gretchen, who was 
 motioned to sit down on the bench beside the 
 Explorer. 
 
 In a small German hotel every member of the 
 proprietor's family plays a part in caring for the 
 wants and entertaining the guest. Thus, in serv- 
 ing a stranger with beer and then sitting down to 
 entertain him, Gretchen need not feel that she has 
 overstepped the bounds of propriety. Her mother 
 sits across the room engaged in knitting and a 
 friendly chat with a neighbor, and her father sits 
 not far away smoking and conversing in a high 
 key with a group of Germans, an occasional broad 
 laugh from one or all of the group reassuring the 
 stranger that the discussion bears no bitter feelings. 
 
142 Four Centuries After 
 
 NEVER MiND-wE'LL From E tourist bag the Ex- 
 have A PANTOMIME, plorcr brmgs forth a polyglot. 
 Opening the manual, " I speak 
 English only," is found and traced to its equiva- 
 lent in German. This humiliating declaration is 
 pointed out to Gretchen, who -looks knowingly, 
 and in return traces out the equally comprehensive 
 acknowledgment, " I speak German only." Here 
 is a striking situation — a Faust speaking English 
 only, and a Marguerite who speaks nothing but 
 her native tongue ! How is the next scene to be 
 developed ? There seems to be an insurmount- 
 able hitch at the outset, as though the actors had 
 forgotten their lines, or the carpenter had mis- 
 placed the curtain crank. 
 
 The polya^lot is again appealed 
 
 THE COMMONPLACE 1 V to & 11 
 
 VOCABULARY OF OUR to, but It rcfuscs to parlcy just 
 POLYGLOT. j^j^g fitting sentence for the occa- 
 
 sion. This polyglot is a manual of many not very, 
 comprehensive languages. The following is a 
 sample of its most clear and flowing style : " Where 
 are we now ? How long shall we stop here ? Can 
 I have a warm bath ? The Pope, A donkey. Soap. 
 I engage you by the hour. That is rather dear." 
 Evidently the author of this work had never per- 
 sonated Faust — had written the book wholly unin- 
 spired, and had presumed to assume that the 
 requirements of a purchaser of a copy would 
 never rise above the matter-of-fact wants of the 
 grosser man. How could a man ever insinuate a 
 tender emotion with such a phrase as, " Can I 
 have a warm bath ? " 
 
Four Centuries After 143 
 
 Between two hearts that beat 
 
 " WELL, RATHER ! ' 
 
 as one, and had been beating in 
 like rhythm for some time, there might be so nice 
 an understanding that such an innocent request 
 as, " Can I have a warm bath ? " might have a hid- 
 den meaning — a significance that it were better 
 for the mutual interests of the twain that it remain 
 hidden. Under such circumstances, it might be 
 induced to mean, " Meet me by moonlight alone " ; 
 and such a sentence would be sure to throw the 
 curious listener off the scent and under certain 
 circumstances would cause him (or more likely her) 
 great astonishment. Neither would the ardent 
 admirer make much progress with, " That is rather 
 dear." He might reconstruct the sentence and 
 make it read, " Is that rather dear 1 " That would 
 be approaching a tone of endearment, beyond 
 which it would be " rather " vague. Alike vague, 
 too, would be, " That dear, is rather." To all of 
 which, one understanding the situation would 
 remark, " Well, rather ! " 
 
 Other sentences, having a different use, were 
 rejected as being wholly unavailable on this occa- 
 sion. 
 
 For want of more direct means by which to 
 bring about the tragic denouement, this manual, 
 containing a few most unpoetic expressions pre- 
 sented in many tongues, was still appealed to, and 
 the German numerals recited — Gretchen pronounc- 
 ing ^^ jEi'n," and her pupil replying, " £/n " ; " Z7aei," 
 " Zwei " ; " Drei," " Drei " ; and on up into figures 
 of higher denominations than those on the money 
 
144 Four Centuries After 
 
 of the Expedition. The German pronunciation 
 of the pupil was found a little faulty, as well as 
 halty, and Gretchen often found it necessary to 
 ask for a repetition of certain numbers. Her 
 pupil repeatedly tripped on ^^fUnf," but was 
 picked up and placed on his German legs with an 
 untiring energy and a painstaking that was very 
 beautiful, and made the pupil feel very grateful, 
 besides a few collateral emotions. 
 THE PLOT SLIGHTLY Bcforc lottg, 3. young man of 
 
 THICKENS. not over-prepossessing appear- 
 
 ance, sitting across the room, noticed that the 
 right arm of the now thoroughly engrossed pupil 
 (the arm on the side next to Gretchen) had been 
 placed along the top of the back of the bench in 
 which Gretchen was sitting. Now, it requires no 
 knowledge of human motives to be able to account 
 for the disposition of that arm on the back of 
 Gretchen's bench. Any one who has ever occupied 
 a chair alongside of another containing a person 
 who was conjointly interested with him in a book 
 — a book from which both were seeking informa- 
 tion — any one, we say; who has been thus handi- 
 capped, will at once understand that the relative 
 position of this pupil's arm to the back of his 
 teacher should not have been considered com- 
 promising, although it might have been suggestive 
 to an evil mind. Furthermore, as the interest in 
 the lesson increased, and both teacher and pu- 
 pil leaned forward in rapt and eager interest in 
 the page before them, was there reasonably any 
 significance in the fact that the aforesaid arm, 
 
Four Centuries After 145 
 
 losing its poise on the back of Gretchen's chair, 
 and following the natural law of gravitation, should 
 reach a more secure resting-place between the 
 back of the bench and its occupant ? 
 CERTAINLY, QUITE Wc arc surc that this was a very 
 
 NATURAL. natural phenomenon ; and to one 
 
 knowing the character of him who had seemingly 
 gone astray, as well as we do, there would come 
 no suggestion of wrong-doing. 
 
 The young man across the room, who had been 
 watching every detail we have described, as though 
 he were personally interested, now came over 
 and, laying his hand rather rudely on Gretchen's 
 shoulder, said something in a high key that 
 was not in her pupil's vocabulary. At this, 
 Gretchen glanced over her shoulder at the arm of 
 her pupil, and then looked defiantly up into the 
 young German's face. With a rather sulky look, 
 the young German returned to his seat across the 
 room, and resumed his observations. 
 
 By skilful gestures the pupil 
 
 HER HUSBAND. 
 
 succeeded in asking Gretchen who 
 the young German was. In reply, she ran her finger 
 over several pages of the polyglot until it pointed 
 to — " husband \ " Then, with an elevation of her 
 eyebrows and a nod of her head, she raised the 
 index finger which had searched out husband, and 
 pointed at herself. Here the arm that had found 
 so much warmth and repose between Gretchen 
 and the back of her bench, sought the side of 
 Faust ; which, in the " light of recent events," was 
 thought to be its more proper place ; and here, 
 
THE COMPANY DIS- 
 BAND. 
 
 146 Four Centuries After 
 
 too, the management saw that it was in a real 
 dilemma — a more serious one than that of the 
 confusion of the actors' tongues : the woman cast 
 for the part of Gretchen was a married woman ! 
 Seeing no alternative, the but 
 half-organized company reluc- 
 tantly disbanded : the leading man going to his 
 couch (or, rather, feather-bed, properly so called); 
 the leading lady — she will have to send in her own 
 report, as we never saw her again. 
 
 [curtain] 
 
 XXXI 
 
 worms! what mem- We are approaching the historic 
 OKIES YOU CALL UP ! Womis. As wc go trudglng along, 
 what memories the name calls up ! We see a 
 promising j'^outh sitting with his feet dangling 
 over a bridge which spans a certain small stream 
 in America. He holds a fish-rod in his hands and 
 is intensely peering into the v/ater. Beneath the 
 surface, there where it catches a reflection of the 
 pair of truant feet, we see the advance guard of a 
 school of " sunnies " or " goggle-eyes." As they 
 timidly approach the baited hook, note the look 
 of expectation on the face of the young fisher- 
 man ! One, larger and more venturesome than 
 his fellows, delicately nibbles at the tempting 
 morsel. The face of the fisherman is becoming 
 radiant ! His hands tighten their hold on the 
 pole ! The representative " sunny " pronounces 
 the worm in prime condition, and then downs it. 
 
Four Centuries After 147 
 
 The fates of both the worm and the fish are sealed. 
 There is a slight splash ia the water, a swish in the 
 air,- and the first fish is landed. Several youngsters 
 pass by on their way to the old swimming hole. 
 They hold up their right hands with the two first 
 fingers extended, and cry, " Ooh-hoo ? " No ; he 
 doesn't care to go swimming — the fish are " taking 
 hold," or " bitin'," to-day. 
 
 ANOTHER EXAMPLE IN That evenlttg, a little past chore- 
 cAusE AND EFFECT. time, wc See our fisherman trudg- 
 ing homeward. His " pole " is over his shoulder, 
 and a hand tightly grasps a string of fish — a dozen 
 or more, some as many as three inches in length. 
 Arriving at home, the roseate hue of the picture, 
 by sharp gradation, changes to a dark blue. He 
 and his parent, on his father's side, hold a diet in 
 the woodshed. The question whether it's policy 
 to fish against chore-time is hotly discussed ; and 
 above the smoke and carnage of war we hear a 
 resolution moved, seconded, and adopted — a rule 
 drawn up and applied where it will be the most 
 effective. At the next shift of the scene, we see 
 our little angler standing round the corner of the 
 shed with his hand on the seat of war. His face- 
 tious sister edges up and inquires how many 
 bushels to the acre the last thrashing shows — if he 
 will have his fish broiled, fried, or baked. This is 
 too much ; and, with tears in his eyes, he vows 
 then and there that some day he will go away off 
 and become great, and then come home and lord 
 it over the whole family, from the head of the 
 table down to the cat. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 Who would suppose that fate could evolve a 
 mighty discoverer out of so insignificant material 
 as this barefooted follower of Isaak Walton ? 
 
 Yet, as the Expedition runs against a passing 
 cart, and shatters and dissipates this reproduction 
 of a bright spot in vanished youth, the truth is 
 brought home. 
 
 We understand that a patent India-rubber 
 angle-worm has been placed on the market as the 
 latest addition to artificial bait. Now, with this 
 patent rubber fish-worm in one pocket, and his 
 reeled line in the other, the boy can steal away 
 in broad daylight. Truly, science is helping the 
 " boy," as well as the man. 
 
 How vivid and persistent are the thoughts 
 which Worms calls to mind. There was a man 
 who used to frighten us out of several weeks' 
 growth with his array of jars and astonishing 
 tales of — but we'll let that pass. 
 "THOSE GOOD OLD Thc hlstory of " those good old 
 
 DAYS." days " makes very interesting 
 
 reading to-day (in these days of religious toler- 
 ance, when a Christian may lose his head in dis- 
 cussion, but not under the guillotine ; may burn 
 with religious zeal, but not at the stake). In those 
 days, when the Church had a pretty tenacious hold 
 of the helm of state — had it pretty much its 
 own way both in temporal and spiritual affairs — 
 before they began to sing " Come to Jesus " — at 
 the beginning of the fifteenth century. Pope Leo 
 X. set about to rebuild St. Peter's on a most 
 magnificent scale. 
 
Four Centuries After 149 
 
 A BRISK SALE OF IN- Thls Undertaking called for 
 
 DULGENCEs. moncy, and as it was at a time 
 
 before church fairs came into vogue, the Pope 
 
 had to resort to the sale of indulgences to raise 
 
 the funds with which to meet the demands of his 
 
 architect, and he turned loose among his subjects 
 
 one of his most fetching bulls. 
 
 FIFTEEN FLOGGINGS Tctzcl, ottc of hls agcuts for 
 
 IN ONE DAY. (.|^g g^jg Qf indulgences up in 
 
 Germany, proved a very enterprising - salesman 
 indeed. He rated polygamy at six ducats, and 
 murder at eight, but perjury and sacrilege cost 
 nine. These were considered pretty high prices 
 in those days ; nevertheless, he did a thriving busi- 
 ness. At this time, along came one Martin Luther, 
 a man who was born of poor but respectable par- 
 ents. He wasn't the first man to be born of poor 
 but respectable parents, so nothing was thought 
 of the circumstance at the time. However, he 
 relates that he got no less than fifteen floggings 
 in one day. This was promising, as floggings 
 bring out the latent energies. 
 LUTHER MAKES A Luthcr got hold of a Biblc, and 
 
 HOLE IN tetzel's bcgan to think for himself. As 
 
 DRUM. 1i 1 -U -J 
 
 a result, he became convmced 
 that the remission of sin could not be bought 
 with money. With this conviction, Tetzel's cry 
 for money annoyed him exceedingly ; and in a fit 
 of desperation he declared : " God willing, I will 
 make a hole in his drum ! " He made an exceed- 
 ing large hole, which affected its resonance some- 
 what, and rendered its notes less effective. Then 
 
150 Four Centuries After 
 
 WORMS FOR A DIET. 
 
 Luther and Tetzel began slinging very filthy mud 
 — mud that badly bespattered God's greensward 
 and the pages of history ; all of which went to 
 show the dire need of reform. Luther became so 
 obstreperous, he was invited to a diet at Worms, 
 the very city now lying before the Expedition. 
 
 Just think of Worms for a pro- 
 tracted diet, or New York City for 
 a Republican Convention ! We were once inti- 
 mately acquainted with a youth who was very rnuch 
 distressed in mind when he first heard of Luther 
 and his diet at Worms. He (this youth) reasoned 
 that the inquisition had placed Luther on a diet of 
 worms, with the hope of curing him of his longing 
 for religious reform, and, although he has since 
 found out his mistake, he can't forget first impres- 
 sions. This diet was distasteful to Luther, as 
 might well be supposed, but he went manfully for- 
 ward, and by his courage preached a more forceful 
 sermon than words or mud could express. And 
 the reform begun by Luther went apace. 
 LET LOOSE A MOST Back iu thc eleventh century, 
 
 FEROCIOUS bull! Hcnry IV., having quarrelled with 
 the Pope (the famous Hildebrand), called a diet at 
 this very town of Worms. He thought to depose 
 the Pope, but the Pontiff assembled a great many 
 bishops, and let loose a most ferocious bull of ex- 
 communication, which very soon brought the mon- 
 arch to sue for relief in most humiliating terms. 
 A MORE EFFECTUAL Thls soTt of splrltual starvation 
 
 METHOD. treatment was tried on the would- 
 
 be reformers, but it failed to bring them back to 
 
Four Centuries After 151 
 
 the fold of the Mother Church. Then they tried 
 a more summary method of excommunication — 
 they cut off the heads of the heretics. This was 
 a very effective method ; the person receiving this 
 kind of treatment for heresy was never known to 
 seek redress in Cooper Union. But the physical 
 force which the Mother Church used in her attempts 
 to stop the leakage in her membership failed to be 
 entirely effective ; the reformation went on ; the 
 number of its adherents constantly increasing in 
 the face of every obstacle. 
 
 SEGMENTATION What ncxt ? A few miles below 
 
 BEGINS. Worms is the retrograding town 
 
 of Spires. It was at this town that during the 
 year of 1529 the Reformers called a diet — a little 
 diet of their own — to which they carried their 
 " protest," which entitled them to the name of 
 Protestants. From this time onward the study of 
 the reform is very interesting as a study in evo- 
 lution, or segmentation. 
 it's example we The protestations that were 
 
 WANT, brethren! promptly formulated and pro- 
 mulgated when reform was fairly agitated, and 
 the subsequent divisions and subdivisions of 
 opinions, as though the thing were being split up 
 for the slides of a microscope, are of peculiar inter- 
 est — may afford a lesson to those who, knowing 
 the danger of discussion, do not dare (or feel that 
 they cannot afford) to take sides in the controversy. 
 When we see learned disciples of Christ throwing 
 the mud of doctrinal controversy at each other, in 
 the presence, or to the knowledge, of the unre- 
 
152 Four Centuries After 
 
 deemed, we would say : "Alas, gentlemen ! -where 
 is your boasted brotherly love ? Put aside this 
 hair-splitting and go forth into the world and teach 
 us by example how to live consistently during 
 seven days of the week ! 
 
 "As a passenger in a steamship, what would you 
 think, dear members of the ecclesiastical tribunal, 
 of the officers of that ship, if, in the presence of 
 threatened danger, they should enter into a bitter 
 discussion regarding the relative merits and de- 
 merits of the ship's lifeboats, when their only dif- 
 ference lay in a slight variation of model, one and 
 all intended to serve the same purpose, although 
 the designer of each boat laid much stress on his 
 ' improvement ' ? " — Come to think about it, I may 
 be drifting out of my sphere of usefulness. 
 
 XXXII 
 
 I WILL CALL IT "a My ucrvcs sustained a great 
 
 CROCKERY EPISODE." shock kst ulght, and I still feel a 
 little shaky. I put up at the typical little hotel of 
 as typical a German hamlet. My host seemed 
 anxious to do all his limited knowledge of the 
 wants of man suggested, and my hostess, a comely 
 young woman, was no less attentive. In due time 
 I gave out that I would be pleased to go to m)- 
 room. Under the guidance of my host, and by 
 the wavering light of a candle, I ascended a 
 creaky pair of stairs, on through an empty room, 
 whose bare floor complained at every step, to a 
 chamber containing a neat bed, a stand with 
 
Four Centuries After 153 
 
 wash-bowl and pitcher, and four walls hung with 
 the ever-present temporal ruler, the Madonna, 
 angels, etc. I bade my host good-evening in my 
 unique German, and, seeing that my door was 
 securely fastened, hurriedly inserted myself be- 
 tween the two feather ticks, and had just tuned 
 my snoring organs for a gentle snore when " sud- 
 denly there came a tapping, as of some one gently 
 rapping, rapping at my chamber door." Rapping 
 at my chamber door, mind you ! " ' Tis some visi- 
 tor," I muttered, " tapping at my chamber door — 
 entreating entrance at my chamber door." 
 
 How was I to know that it was not some bold 
 robber or a gentle maiden, "rapping at my cham- 
 ber door " ? To still the beating of my heart 
 I lay repeating, " 'Tis some visitor, entreating 
 entrance at my chamber door — some late visitor, 
 entreating entrance at my chamber door ; this it 
 is, and nothing more ! " 
 
 If I were sure that it was a burglar, " rapping at 
 my chamber door," I could have the courage to 
 protect myself. But you can't always be quite 
 sure that it isn't the chambermaid who is " rap- 
 ping, gently tapping," at your chamber door at an 
 unseemly hour to inquire if she has changed the 
 linen. It is sure to fiustrate me to have the maid 
 ask to change the linen after I have retired for the 
 night, and my clothes are dangling from a chair, 
 possibly at the farthest end of the room. 
 THE TAPPING PER- Thc tapplug bccamc loud rap- 
 
 sisTED. piiig, a-nd I resolved to investi- 
 
 gate. Putting this resolution into effect, I slid 
 
154 Fou7' Centuries After 
 
 out of bed, and, stealing quietly to the door 
 whence came the " tapping, gently rapping," I 
 carefully drew the bolt, and swung the door open 
 a foot or two, intending to sell my life dearly 
 should any one want to buy. I don't believe in 
 bickering over a deal, but I do insist on getting 
 the highest market price for any article, and 
 I didn't purpose giving myself away, or pas- 
 sively surrendering, on this occasion., 
 
 I repeat, I opened the door a 
 
 HORROR OF HORRORS ! 
 
 foot or two, when, horror of hor- 
 rors ! my worst suspicion was realized. There, 
 with a flaming candle in one hand, and — shall I 
 speak it ? — it wasn't a dagger in the other, stood a 
 woman ! To grasp the full significance of the 
 situation, you must get a view of the man who 
 heard the " tapping, gently rapping, at his cham- 
 ber door," and got out of bed and opened it for a 
 woman. He was dressed (to be more accurate, he 
 was undressed) in a night-shirt whose leading trait 
 was what is generally characterized as " the soul 
 of wit " — that is, brevity. It extended anywhere 
 from the armpits to its wearer's knees — I dare not 
 give its exact length, for fear of being mobbed. 
 
 He was clothed in " this, and nothing more ! " 
 YES, IT WAS A sTRiK- Oh, how I shouM like to have 
 
 iNG SITUATION. a fcw thousaud chromos of that 
 picture, and a stand near the entrance to the 
 Brooklyn Bridge. The thing would " sell like hot 
 cakes." 
 
 I took the situation in at a glance — so did she. 
 I saw at once that she didn't intend to betray me ; 
 
COMPANION PICTURES. 
 
 Four Centuries After 1^5 
 
 neither was she in quest of my hard-earned cash : 
 she had thoughtfully (dear soul) brought me 
 another piece of crockery. She was afraid that I 
 would be unable to sleep with aesthetic tranquillity 
 near a broken set of crockery. 
 
 I gracefully took the thing — 
 this made a new picture, com- 
 panion picture to the first. In my confused state 
 of mind I said, " Many thanks, good-night," in 
 Columbian, carried the complement to my set of 
 crockery to the washstand, and gently placed it 
 therein without jar or clatter. 
 
 Yes, it requires great presence of mind, with a 
 delicate and quick sense of propriety, to appear at 
 perfect ease on all occasions. 
 
 XXXIII 
 
 " BY THE STRASBURG It Is prcciscly 9.30 A.M. Wc 
 CLOCK." g^j-g j-iQj- asking you to take the 
 
 dyspeptic time-piece of the Expedition as author- 
 ity, nor are we offering the local time of some 
 dilatory railroad ; we are looking into the broad 
 face of the celebrated Strasburg clock. Nothing 
 cheap about that ! 
 
 Last evening, as the Expedition came along a 
 road leading to this city, we could not forget that 
 we were approaching Strasburg. There was the 
 squawking of the goose on every hand, and high 
 overhead we saw the stork lazily fanning the air, 
 her long legs trailing behind, something like the 
 tail of a kite. 
 
156 Four Centuries After 
 
 The Expedition having examined the mechanism 
 of the celebrated clock, and partaken of path de 
 foiegras, we moved on. 
 
 XXXIV 
 
 A SELF-CONSTRUCTED 
 
 I found an American stopping 
 ^"^N. at our hotel in Strasburg — or, 
 
 rather, he found me. He was not the American 
 Henry James is fond of meeting abroad. He was 
 one of those auto-didactic characters who boast- 
 fully style themselves " self-made," instead of 
 stepping forward and, in an apologetic way, say- 
 ing : " I made myself ; and owing to inexperience, 
 and a want of natural aptitude, the result is not 
 what I fondly hoped and expected it would be. 
 My style of architecture may be found a little 
 mixed — that I have built a cupola on my Gothic 
 house." Continuing — ^" If I had another such job, 
 I should certainly place it in the hands of skilled 
 workmen, even though I had to shovel sand, write 
 fiction, and do like menial labor, to meet the out- 
 lay of such an undertaking." 
 
 No, this self-constructed man — about whom the 
 scaffolding still picturesquely clung — made no such 
 elaborate introductory explanation. He simply 
 announced that he was " self-made," and the only 
 excuse he possibly could have had for volunteer- 
 ing the information was, as he told me, that a 
 professor of languages had tried to approach him 
 that evening with every known language but the 
 one in which he (our American) clothed his 
 
Four Centuries After 157 
 
 thoughts. This, it seems, had excited in him a 
 bitter contempt for the professor, and the art of 
 teaching generally. When he told me that he was 
 " self-made," I looked very sober, almost serious, 
 and asked him if he wished to assume all respon- 
 sibility of the job. He looked at me inquiringly, 
 but with an expression that told me at once my 
 nicely studied little drive had fallen short — the 
 joke was too studied for his self-educated brain. 
 
 He told me that he was an American — by which 
 he, of course, meant that he was of the United 
 States of America, as there is very little of America 
 outside of the United States — to the thinking of 
 every self-respecting, legitimate child of Uncle 
 Sam. I found that his stock of information com- 
 prehended the political gossip of America, from 
 the time he began to vote up to date. Outside of 
 domestic politics, into the domain of art, his knowl- 
 edge was neither comprehensive nor reliable — it 
 was quite as circumscribed as my own, but, unlike 
 me, he didn't realize that every time he opened his 
 mouth to rave on European art he literally put his 
 foot in it — in his mouth, not art ; his foot would 
 have ruined a large collection, had said foot got 
 at large in art. Now, my knowledge of politics is 
 very meagre. If I were asked to name the Presi- 
 dent and his Cabinet, I should be very much 
 frightened and have an appointment elsewhere, 
 taking effect at once. This patriotic American, 
 my chance acquaintance, got me into a chair before 
 a plain table, and then, as though to make sure of 
 me, he ordered champagne. With this introduction. 
 
158 Four Centuries After 
 
 he opened up a long vista of political and war 
 reminiscences ; how he had run " right smart " 
 for some localhonor. Here I wedged in the query, 
 " I understand that you are from the South ? " 
 
 " Well, I reckon so. I was born in Alabama." 
 I had " reckoned so " from the " right smart " 
 run he had made. A Troy Laundry wouldn't 
 invariably succeed in polishing such expressions 
 out of the vocabulary of a Southerner. 
 
 The lively set-to between the 
 
 HE EVADES ARi' AND -' 
 
 ENTERS THE FiE:.D OF Nortli aud South was recounted 
 BATTLE. ^j^^ commented upon. He told 
 
 of the important part he had played in the contest 
 and the number of opponents he had exterminated. 
 Whenever there was a slight lull or fracture in his 
 delivery, I would endeavor to introduce art ; but 
 he would slip away from my proposed subject and 
 fall to fighting or electioneering again. Every 
 time the bottle at his side repeated the paraphrase 
 " Good, good, good," it would act as an encore, 
 and the campaign grew hotter and the dead and 
 dying became thicker on the battle-field. The 
 conflict was perfectly awful, and I felt like wiring 
 for Forbes. To add to the horror of the occasion, 
 my " fighter from Wayback " chewed tobacco. I 
 asked him how he got chewing-tobacco in Europe. 
 He informed me that, through the advice of a 
 fellow " chewer " who had " done " Europe (and 
 who complained that he had-" lost his cud" while 
 abroad), he had brought a stock with him, though 
 he was forced to do some pretty tall fighting to 
 get it across the borders. Throughout all the 
 
Four Centuries After 159 
 
 fighting, he introduced his chewing habit with tell- 
 ing effect. He would flirt a jet of tobaeco-tinged 
 saliva through space toward a large open grate, 
 with a precision that was intended to illustrate his 
 accuracy with a musket. Occasionally, in a hot 
 engagement, he would neglect to train his battery 
 with his accustomed nicety ; then the projectile 
 would go a little wide of the mark, but it would 
 do just as much damage as though it had reached 
 the enemy's line. From an artistic point of view 
 — to the lover of the picturesque, this enemy's line 
 (the fireplace) became an interesting study. A 
 projectile, striking an outlying tile at an acute 
 angle, would leave evidence of its career across 
 the surface of several tiles, until its further course 
 might not be arrested till it reached the face of 
 the bastion, or what not. Many of these markings 
 were longer than the scope of an artist's arm. 
 Although I don't chew, I couldn't help admiring 
 these exploits of my fellow-American. 
 
 After a time, the combined 
 
 I FINALLY BETRAY ' 
 
 HIM INTO DISCUSSING forccs of thc North threatened 
 
 ART. 
 
 his defeat, and the bottle, whose 
 applause of " Good, good, good," had at first 
 promised him victory, began to have the opposite 
 effect. Accepting this as my opportunity, I per- 
 suaded him to relinquish the " lost cause " and 
 capitulate — and then by a flank movement I 
 adroitly betrayed him into discussing art. His 
 recent engagement had made him rather reckless, 
 and he entered the field of art with an abandon 
 that was frightful. He had visited the principal 
 
i6o Four Centuries After 
 
 art collections of Europe— was on intimate, I may 
 say familiar, terms with all the Venuses — was very 
 much taken with the Venus de Medici, the Venus 
 of Milo, and Venus Victorious in particular. He 
 had visited all the museums designed for the 
 edification of *' men only." In fact, he had seen 
 everything that should not be included in a respect- 
 able catalogue, besides many curiosities that are 
 not mentioned in such a list ; and he was very 
 anxious to give me points on how to get at " hid- 
 den curiosities — the pass-word, fee, etc." 
 A GREAT WASTE OF In rcfcrrlng to paintings, it was 
 
 PAINT AND CANVAS, j^^g opiniou that Europe was 
 wasting a great deal of paint and canvas. He 
 couldn't understand why an artist should spend 
 his time and material in painting a gayly colored 
 sunset, when we were having upward of three 
 hundred and sixty-five every year, in any decent 
 climate but that of London. A little clump of 
 trees, with a solitary bird on a near branch, evi- 
 dently in the act of singing, to his mind was no less 
 a piece of nonsense than that of sunsets on canvas. 
 On telling me that he had just come from Milan, 
 I asked him what he thought of "The Last 
 Supper." He said he came near killing his guide, 
 believing that the great fresco was another piece 
 of imposition gotten up for the express purpose 
 of prolonging the time it takes to go the rounds 
 of the city. 
 
 It was late in the evening when I succeeded in 
 making my escape from my compatriot. 
 
Four Centuries After i6i 
 
 XXXV 
 
 WHAT WOULD YOU Latc 006 eveiTimg we reached 
 
 HAVE DONE? a small town not far from Stras- 
 
 burg (the name of which, for reasons that shall 
 be apparent, I will not mention), and asked for 
 a night's accommodation at the only place that 
 could be called a hotel. I was not disappointed 
 to find that the landlady and her two daughters 
 spoke German only, but was pleasantly surprised 
 when, along later in the evening, one of the daugh- 
 ters presented a young woman who addressed me 
 in quite correct Columbian, saying that my land- 
 lady had asked her to come and act as interpreter 
 for an English-speaking gentleman. I told her I 
 had succeeded in making my simple wants known, 
 but should like to make a few inquiries regarding 
 local manners, customs, etc. Her conversation 
 showed her to be well informed, not only on sub- 
 jects of local interest, but to have a knowledge of 
 the world that could hardly have been acquired 
 in a small inland town. 
 
 After a time I learned that she had been in 
 America ; and when I spoke of scenes with which 
 she was familiar, I noticed her attempt unobserv- 
 edly to brush away a tear, and then draw the 
 child, standing near, closely to her side. Not 
 having noticed that the child came in with her, I 
 supposed it to belong to my hostess. Observing 
 the tender way in which she fondled it, I ventured 
 to ask if she loved children. In asking her this, 
 I intended to pay her a tacit compliment, as, of 
 (") 
 
i62 Four Centuries After 
 
 course, all womanly women love children. She 
 replied that she did, and that she loved this one 
 in particular, as she was its mother. I drew the 
 child toward me, and, with the best of intentions, 
 asked it whose child it was, to which it lisped, in 
 broken English, " Mamma's." 
 
 "What, not papa's child?" I innocently asked. 
 At this, the mother drew the child from me and 
 sent it out of the room. 
 
 I have the most sincere respect and admiration 
 for a mother and her holy office, and feel it my 
 duty to acknowledge this sentiment on every 
 available occasion ; and I have usually noticed a 
 new light come into a mother's eyes when she 
 hears a stranger ask her child about its father. 
 This assumed interest in the child's father is in- 
 tended to convey a pretty compliment to the 
 mother ; though, when we come to think what this 
 assumption implies, we will see that it is not 
 always a safe proceeding in the absence of knowl- 
 edge of the child's paternity. It was evident, 
 from the mother's conduct, that I had unwittingly 
 made a mistake on this occasion. 
 
 As soon as the child was out 
 
 WITH A TEAR AND A 
 
 FAR-AWAY LOOK IN of thc room, thc mother turned 
 
 HER EYES- ^Q j^g ^j^^ g^J^ ^l^^j. gj^g £gj,. g]^g 
 
 owed me an apology for such seeming rudeness, 
 and that she could see no other way of explaining 
 her conduct than to tell me of an experience she 
 had passed through while in America. Here she 
 went on to relate that she was born in Strasburg ; 
 that hef father had been a well-to-do shopkeeper. 
 
Four Centuries After 163 
 
 who had given his daughter a rather liberal educa- 
 tion. During her seventeenth year, both her 
 parents died. About this time she chanced to 
 meet an American lady who was in quest of a 
 young woman to act as travelling companion and 
 governess to her children. She was offered this 
 position, which she gladly accepted, as the slender 
 fortune left her offered but shabby support. When 
 her employer returned to America, she accom- 
 panied her. She had been in America but a short 
 time when she met a man of gentlemanly address 
 in whom she soon became interested, which 
 interest soon ripened into love and-' betrothal, 
 and at the end of a year's acquaintance they 
 were married, with every prospect of a happy 
 future. 
 
 At the beginning of their acquaintance, her 
 husband had told her that he was a widower ; that 
 his wife, whom he had met and married in Australia 
 (whence they had both gone in quest of a home), 
 had been reported as one of the lost of a wrecked 
 ship, on which she had taken passage for San 
 Francisco to join her husband. This early love 
 seemed to have been entirely forgotten in his 
 new-found affection, and they were soon planning 
 a home — a little cottage, the ideal of their united 
 lives ; and to them the whole world was soon 
 narrowed down to this one little spot. 
 
 Days full of sunshine slipped by ; weeks grew 
 into months, and the compact that was made 
 before God constantly strengthened with time. 
 Then, as though to make the union more binding 
 
164 Four Centuries After 
 
 (if such a thing were possible), another face— a 
 small voice — came into their life. 
 
 One morning, about a year after this last event, 
 the husband — the father — sat at the breakfast 
 table reading the morning paper. He chanced to 
 scan the personals, when his attention was arrested 
 by one reading: ''Any information regarding 
 
 the whereabouts of will be gratefully received 
 
 by his wife, who was reported lost in the wreck of 
 steamship." 
 
 As the paper dropped to the floor, the mother 
 of his child hurried to his side and caressingly 
 asked the cause of his agitation. In reply, he 
 pointed out the "personal." 
 
 But half-realizing the full significance of the 
 situation, she at first did not give way to her emo- 
 tions, but went to the cradle and took the child 
 in her arms — that, at least, belonged to her ; then 
 turning to the father of her child, she said : 
 
 What do you suppose she said, 
 
 YES ; BUT WHAT J V i" ) 
 
 WOULD vou HAVE dcar rcadcr ? and how did she 
 ''°'"'- act? What would jw^ have said 
 
 and done on a like occasion ? You, strongly en- 
 dowed with a mother's instinct and love, what 
 would you have said to the father of your child ? 
 Would you willingly have given him up — have 
 surrendered him and the little home to another — 
 to another womah ? 
 
 I am not addressing this to the cold philoso- 
 pher ; I would ask the opinion of the wife and 
 mother, and until I hear what she has to say — 
 
Four Centuries After 165 
 
 until she tells me what she believes she would do 
 — I do not feel at liberty to tell what this woman 
 ^/^. do and say when the test was applied.- 
 
 XXXVI 
 
 EUROPEAN BEEF- It is our habit to call for a 
 
 STEAK. broiled tenderloin of beef. We 
 
 feel justified in being thus extravagant, as expe- 
 rience has taught us that in about ninety-nine 
 times out of a hundred the villains serve us with 
 a slice from the Achilles tendon of "the cow with 
 the crumpled horn," or from that of an Irish or 
 Papal bull. 
 
 ,^. „„r.^^r,^,r-. 1^ h c Icadlug property of the 
 
 ITS PROPERTIES — • Oil J 
 
 METHOD OF KILN- Europcan beefsteak (unlike that 
 DRYING. q£ ^ mathematical fact) is great 
 
 elasticity. The art of kiln-drying beefsteak has 
 reached a high state of perfection in Europe. 
 There may be something in the quality or condi- 
 tion of the raw material which would account in 
 a great measure for their success. Be this as it 
 may, we gladly (we were about to say maliciously) 
 accept this opportunity to declare that when it 
 comes to tempering a beefsteak for wear, Europe 
 may be applied to. They will treat it to defy 
 alike the tooth of time and of man. The gastric 
 juices of the Expedition, assisted by the peristal- 
 tic action of the stomach, have no perceptible 
 effect on some of the steaks submitted for analy- 
 sis. Thinking that the stomach might be playing 
 off on its constituent in the hope of being coaxed 
 
1 66 Fozir Centuries After 
 
 with quail, we gave several pieces of the most 
 tenacious sample of steak a thick coating of gen- 
 uine Dutch mustard. The mustard was assimi- 
 lated, but the pieces of steak continued to revolve 
 in the stomach, something after the fashion of 
 peanuts in a roaster. 
 MUSTARD VERSUS Spcaklug of mustard reminds 
 
 COLIC. j-^g \);x2X it has gradually worked 
 
 its way up from an auxiliary to the main article 
 of our diet. It is one of the mighty few things 
 that cost nothing in Europe. The Expedition has 
 eaten at one sitting as much mustard as a certain 
 little boy's mother used to apply to said little 
 boy's abdomen in an extreme case of colic, or — 
 no, we won't say it. We are constantly harassed 
 with the alarming thought of what would be the 
 consequence if a piece of this beefsteak should 
 get lodged in the appendix verviifortnis ! Grape- 
 seed, orange-seed, and like intrusive little germs 
 are forgotten in the presence of little cubes of 
 European beefsteak. 
 
 I feel positive that it was an 
 infernal piece of European beef- 
 steak that lost me a most brilliant conquest while 
 at a certain so-called first-class hotel in Mayence. 
 During the evening I had been rather informally 
 presented to a most fascinating young lady, and on 
 the following morning, finding myself sitting di- 
 rectly opposite her at the breakfast table, I at 
 once set about to make a favorable (possibly last- 
 ing) impression. I saw at a glance that she was 
 a woman of refinement and culture, and could be 
 
 CONFIDENT. 
 
Four Centuries After 167 
 
 approached only by my most studied manners, 
 which equipment, by the way, is irresistible. Had 
 my mind been less occupied in contemplating the 
 vision of loveliness across the table, I would ha_ve 
 suspected the design of the steak lying before me. 
 As it was, I mechanically picked up my knife 
 and fork and proceeded to wear a piece off the 
 margin of the beefsteak. In the course of time 
 this initial task was completed ; then this piece 
 (of the size of which I had but a vague notion) was 
 carried to my mouth. When it had been fairly 
 placed therein I discovered that it was several 
 sizes too large for my oesophagus ! What was I 
 to do ? I couldn't reduce it with my'^;eeth, as it 
 was too strongly reenforced with connective tissue 
 and superficial fascia. 
 
 REMOVING GARBAGE Somc pcoplc arc very deft at 
 
 FROM THE MOUTH. rcmovlng garbage from their 
 mouths with the assistance of a napkin or large 
 sleeve — and I could have performed this feat had 
 I been around back of the house ; but I lacked the 
 courage to test my skill on this, of all occasions. 
 Although the lady opposite me made no comment 
 on my perplexed appearance, she must have realized 
 that all was not well with me, and I imagined I 
 saw an ill-suppressed smile flitting about her 
 charming mouth, although I couldn't imagine the 
 ghost of a smile flitting about my own. Doubt- 
 less smiles know when and where to flit. 
 A COMPLETE BLOCK- I rcviewcd my varied experi- 
 ^°^- ences, but could recall no avail- 
 
 able means of disposing of the cumbersome beef- 
 
i68 Four Centuries After 
 
 steak. I couldn't proceed with my breakfast, 
 ignoring the presence of a steak, as there wasn't 
 room enough in my mouth to get my breakfast by 
 — it was a complete blockade. The young lady 
 opposite me now inquired the time of day of a 
 lady at her side, who doubtless hadn't the time of 
 the year about her, less probable that of the day. 
 Intuitively seeing an "opportunity," I mechani- 
 cally pulled out my chronometer and was about to 
 proffer the information, when, horror ! my articula- 
 tion was so impaired with the presence of Euro- 
 pean beefsteak I shouldn't have recognized it even 
 at my mother's knee. This was too much. I 
 abruptly left the table and hastened to my room, 
 where I soon dislodged the offending steak. 
 
 I related this thrilling mishap to a lady friend 
 of mine not long since, and she rejoined, by way 
 of consolation, that had I not put the oversized 
 steak in my mouth as I did, I would have inserted 
 my foot sooner or later, which might have proved 
 a worse predicament — and she looked down at my 
 feet in a mock critical manner. 
 
 Whereas the Arctic explorer in 
 
 THE EUROPEAN HEN. , , . - 
 
 extreme cases has been forced to 
 subsist on moccasins, in the wilds of Europe we 
 have resorted to the hen. In the absence of beef- 
 steak, swine-cutlet, calf-cutlet, chopsor sausage, the 
 life of a hen, of whose moral character and general 
 diet we knew nothing, would be sacrificed. Many 
 a time I have sat by a window of our hotel and 
 watched the execution. Usually, the high execu- 
 tioner was our hostess or her buxom daughter. 
 
Four Centuries After 169 
 
 The ceremony would open up with a grand cackle 
 and stampede of the fowls around the back-yard, 
 where they had been quietly grazing, with the high 
 executioner in full chase. Then followed a dem- 
 onstration of " The Survival of the Fittest " and 
 " catch as catch can." The young fowls always 
 survived, and the fat capons (said to give rotun- 
 dity to the abdomen of man) — well, they displayed 
 an agility or a sprightliness that led me to suspect 
 they had not been radically caponized. One 
 would always be safe to venture money on the 
 result of the chase. The old hen who had cackled 
 over many and many an ^gg — who had compla^ 
 cently brought forth brood after brood, over which 
 she had subsequently hovered with a tender care 
 fraught with maternal instinct — she whose muscles 
 had become atrophied or had suffered fatty degen- 
 eration — she who had long survived her early 
 associates and was now looking back on a van- 
 ished youth — yes, alas ! it was invariably she who 
 was at last run down. This spectacle was not 
 appetizing ; and when we were called upon to hold 
 an inquest over her remains, we would perform 
 those functions rather in the interests of science 
 than with the hope of finding therein food for a 
 gourmet. A hen that had been run down would 
 be found to consist of a frame of bone, sparingly 
 covered with connective tissue, and traces here and 
 there of muscular tissue. 
 
 INCUBATED DURING Of coursc, thcrc is no means of 
 
 THE MEDIEVAL AGE. positlvcly determining the age of 
 a hen ; like other feminine bipeds, she is very 
 
lyo Four Centuries After 
 
 sensitive on this point, and would mislead you in 
 offering data pointing to her alleged age. If I am 
 allowed an opinion, an opinion based on evidence 
 found on the hen's person after her demise, I 
 should give it as my honest opinion that we 
 have carved (or, more correctly, attempted to 
 carve) many a hen whose incubation took place 
 during- the mediaeval ages, or not later than the 
 beginning of the renaissance. 
 WHAT ARE WE TO ^ ^avc of tcn cotttcmplated how 
 
 EXPECT OF THE mucli morc entertaining such a 
 fowl would be, had she the gift 
 of speech, and had been served to us alive. With 
 the knowledge she could have imparted, I would 
 have been enabled to twang a good many Euro- 
 pean liars. History is very interesting reading 
 for those who have unbounded faith in anything 
 and everything. When we come to peruse the his- 
 tory of our own day, and immediate neighborhood, 
 and find that we are accused of having been born 
 before the day fixed in the calendar, of poor but 
 respectable parents, and that we have actually had 
 to toil with our hands, we feel that we are taking 
 great risks in trusting history to give us informa- 
 tion regarding the dynasty (or otherwise, as the 
 case may have been) of any people in past ages — 
 don't we ? 
 
 XXXVII 
 
 LIKE A BENE- Ou our march through Alsace- 
 
 DicTioN. Lorraine we frequently pass 
 
 through quaint little towns or hamlets which, in 
 
Four Centuries After 171 
 
 their simple style of architecture, resemble each 
 other in a striking degree. The houses of these 
 towns, of from one to two stories, are placed even 
 with the street, usually with their gables to the 
 front, the projecting roof offering a protected 
 place in which to dry corn, and at this season of 
 the year containing long festoons of yellow ears, 
 which contrast pleasantly with their background 
 of white-washed walls. We trudged through one 
 this afternoon that seemed to be a fitting type of 
 them all, and vividly reminded me of some old 
 engraving I have seen way back in the dreamy 
 past. The town was built on one lonig street, 
 which served the double purpose of street and 
 highway ; and being perfectly straight, offered a 
 pleasing study in perspective. Standing at one 
 end of the street and looking down the vista to 
 where the vanishing lines almost meet, what do 
 we see ? The nearest object is a primitive-looking 
 two-wheeled cart, drawn by one horse, which ap- 
 proaches us as though he were going just outside 
 the town, and had all day in which to get there 
 and back, and the driver appears to have pas- 
 sively accepted these conditions. The cart having 
 passed out of our perspective, we again look 
 down the street. School is out, and the street is 
 now in possession of calling children and squawk- 
 ing geese. It would hardly be safe to say which 
 predominate, geese or children — or which are the 
 noisiest : yet neither of them are as noisy or as 
 boisterous as they should be ; they have a hushed, 
 restrained way about them that seems unnatural. 
 
172 Four Centuries After 
 
 Their actions are sedate, and, as the stranger 
 comes down the street toward them, the children 
 form into whispering groups, and the geese come 
 filing along, the gander in the lead, not half as 
 aggressive as he should be. The scene becomes 
 almost oppressively hushed — and I feel that I 
 should like to have Hank step in and give it 
 life. 
 
 As we near the centre of the town, we see on 
 our right a small open shed in which an ox is 
 being shod, and a little way beyond is the project- 
 ing sign-board which tells us we have reached the 
 hotel : directly in front of which we see standing, 
 sentinel-like, the tall, long-handled town pump ; 
 and almost directly across the way is the little, 
 unpretentious church — man's spiritual and tem- 
 poral wants both provided for, close at hand. 
 
 As we were coming along we noticed a quaintly 
 dressed elderly man approaching from the other 
 end of the town, ringing a bell, and in a monoto- 
 nous voice calling out something that I, of course, 
 could not understand ; and as we come near him, 
 he turns aside to gossip with a woman who 
 leans out of a window on the street. As they 
 talk, they look our way and nod knowingly at each 
 other — " A stranger ! " 
 
 I slowly and reluctantly step out of this quiet 
 scene, rubbing my eyes as I go. Its effect on the 
 passions is almost like that of a benediction ; and 
 when in the hurry and bustle of life, the thought 
 will persist in coming to me : " Have these people 
 solved any of the problems of life ? Would it be 
 
 i 
 
Four Centuries After 173 
 
 safe for me to look closer into their lives, or 
 should I be thankful and contented with the 
 superficial picture I have carried away ? " — which, 
 as a picture, is one of the most quieting and com- 
 forting in my mental gallery. 
 
 XXXVIII 
 
 " VIVE LA FRANCE ! " Thc pcoplc throughout this 
 NOT GOOD FORM, p^ft of thc Gcrman Empire seem 
 timid, and hesitate to harbor strangers. They 
 are doubtless afraid they may unwittingly enter- 
 tain an emissary of the French, and thjjis offend 
 the Emperor. In these parts it is not considered 
 in good form for either a German or a foreigner 
 to cry " Vive la France!" I understand that the 
 cost of such an expression of French patriotism 
 has been fixed at twenty marks, the cry to be 
 quite plain and undemonstrative. If recited with 
 undue zeal and emphasized with fire-arms, the 
 cost runs up perceptibly. This information causes 
 the Expedition to act very soberly, and forbear 
 lisping a word of America's Menu language. It 
 would prove embarrassing, indeed, should we be 
 mistaken for a French enterprise. 
 
 XXXIX 
 
 THE EVOLUTION AND ^^hctt not far from the Swiss 
 RETROGRESSION OF bordcr wc dlscovcrcd an intel- 
 ligent dog, of quiet demeanor 
 and a sense of self-respect, leading a species of 
 
174 Four Centuries After 
 
 man of apparently some instinct. If the dog had 
 been favored like Balaam's ass, he could have 
 given his follower some good advice ; even as it 
 was, one could plainly see that he (the dog) was 
 assuming all responsibility of the outing. The 
 man was carrying a gun. This made me feel 
 apprehensive, and the dog seemed to share this 
 feeling. The man bore further evidence that they 
 were in quest of game — he wore a game-bag, 
 which was as flat as a, cake of Egyptian bread. 
 Finding that he could speak Columbian in a rudi- 
 mentary fashion, I engaged him in conversation. 
 It was too true. His conver- 
 
 MENTAL VACUITY. 
 
 sation was as pointed an mdex of 
 his mental vacuity as had been his personal 
 appearance. 
 
 I tried to find out what the political tempera- 
 ment was in that section — if the natives were ripe 
 for a democracy ; if there were any prospects 
 that the border line between Germany and France 
 would be shifted again, etc., to all of which he 
 would ingenuously make reply something like 
 this : " No, the game is not very plentiful." 
 This was exasperating. It appears he had started 
 out with just one idea — he was after game. This 
 entertaining just one idea at a time showed that 
 he was not wholly wanting in wisdom. Had he 
 attempted to wrestle with two or more thoughts 
 at a time, he would have been tuckered out. 
 
 Still, I envied him : his mind would never get 
 feverish with teeming thoughts and sap the 
 nourishment from other parts of his anatomy — 
 
Four Centuries Aftej' 175 
 
 would never rob his feet of their pabulum and 
 leave the man with an unstable base. The dog, 
 the man, and the Expedition soon reached a town, 
 and wended their way to a hotel, where the 
 Expedition accepted a drink at the expense of the 
 mighty huntsman ; then we parted : I took a 
 room for the night, the dog and his precious 
 charge, the " man," going their way. 
 IS THE DOG TO BE THE My host, who spokc a little 
 "fittest" animal? Columbian, informed me that the 
 dog and man were of noble lineage. The dog's 
 genealogy could be traced back through many 
 generations ; and a system of judicious alliances 
 had produced a resulting dog that was the pride 
 of the neighborhood. The pedigree of the man 
 could also be traced back for many generations, 
 but the judicious alliances that had brought about 
 such happy results in the dog's family-tree, had 
 not been observed in the evolution of the man ! 
 He was a living commentary on the awful result 
 of intermarriage and an effete civilization. 
 
 While looking back for evidence of the evolu- 
 tion of man, why not lay more stress on the evi- 
 dence of man's retrogression ? 
 
 I used to entertain queer no- 
 
 ROYALTY AND GREAT- ^ 
 
 NESS THRUST UPON tlons regarding the exalted office 
 ""^" of royalty, and I promised myself 
 
 that the first royal personage I should meet on 
 his native soil, I would salute by falling down and 
 stepping on myself, or manifesting some like 
 token of profound respect and adoration. One 
 was pointed out to me near Mayence, and I at 
 
176 Four Centuries After 
 
 once mentally took back my promise. I wouldn't 
 have prostrated myself before this particular speci- 
 men of royalty if it were to save my neck — from 
 the matrimonial noose. He was one of those 
 people who have greatness thrust upon them 
 before they are old enough to resent it. He 
 seemed to feel the misapplied greatness keenly, and 
 acted as though he would much prefer to be a 
 very ordinary country gentleman. They had him 
 in uniform — not that of the common soldier, but 
 the elaborate outfit of a real officer. Doubtless 
 the clothes were cut to order, as they were a per- 
 fect fit, but their nice construction had not brought 
 about the dignity and reposing grace to their 
 wearer which we looked for in a soldier of rank. 
 It was plainly to be seen that they had persuaded 
 him to try to personate the fierce and intrepid 
 conqueror, but the fact that his management had 
 assigned him the wrong part was no less evident. 
 I felt like stepping up behind him and cracking a 
 paper bag to see him faint away. They had set 
 him to galloping back and forth in front of a 
 " handful " of soldiers, who stood as demurely as 
 "the three crows who sat on a limb." Of a sud- 
 den, he would stop in his mad career, give the 
 soldiers the word, when they would go through a 
 series of free exercises that were not at all after 
 the Delsarte school. After a time the officer 
 espied a bevy of young lady admirers. I can't 
 say whether they came "per appointment," or not, 
 but it looked like it, as he at once placed his 
 soldiers all in a row, where he fixed them by some 
 
Four Centuries After 177 
 
 invisible means as though about to take their 
 photo ; then he wheeled his horse about and gal- 
 loped off to where the ladies were awaiting him. 
 In the presence of the ladies he seemed to forget 
 the carnage of war, his soldiers, and his uniform, 
 and gave his whole attention to his fair admirers. 
 After he had been unbent in his free and easy chat 
 with the ladies for some time, it seemed to occur 
 to him — with the same abruptness with which he 
 left the battle-field — that he had forgotten some- 
 thing. He vaulted into his saddle, assumed a 
 soldierly air, and with a full, round mpvement of 
 his right hand, touched his cap to the ladies, and 
 returned to the soldiers, who had stood during his 
 absence apprehensively rigid, without even wink- 
 ing an eye. He again " pressed the button " which 
 reanimated his soldiers and caused them to make 
 various evolutions, with an accurate unison that 
 had none of those hitches which characterize the 
 movements of the figures in the clock at Stras- 
 burg, or Hank's automatic tin soldiers. 
 IS IT sELF-DESTRuc- Hcrc I tumcd reflectively away. 
 
 TioN? j(- began to seem more evident to 
 
 me that the union of royalty is no guarantee that 
 the issue will be a type of beings above the ordi- 
 nary mortal. Then I asked myself : " Why not 
 allow such fellows to follow more after their 
 natural bent ?— if they prefer to be soldiers, and 
 show an aptitude in that line of dissipation, let 
 them follow it ; likewise, when they prefer to be 
 common country gentlemen, and chase the bob- 
 tailed rabbit, and other denizens of the royal pre- 
 
178 Four Centuries After 
 
 serves, why not allow them to do so, instead 
 of making automatic soldiers or anomalies of 
 them?" And the echo from yon dismantled 
 castle, which had witnessed some "tall " fighting 
 " in days of old, when knights were bold," answered, 
 interrogatively, " Why not ? " 
 
 I have read our exhaustive 
 
 EUROPEAN ETIQUETTE. . . / 1 • , 1 , 
 
 treatise on etiquette (which tells 
 us what we may do and what we may not do in 
 polite society — price ten cents) — I have eaten away 
 from home on several occasions, and thus feel 
 prepared to criticise the liberties taken by the 
 European at his hotel table and elsewhere. I will 
 not attempt to point out the border-line between 
 the natural instincts of man and the dictates of 
 custom. I have no doubt, if we were educated 
 from childhood up to take our food in the same 
 " survival of the fittest " manner observed by swine, 
 we would not feel so keenly critical. But I have 
 always eaten at a table (save when at a grass 
 picnic), and was taught at an early age that it 
 is a token of ill-breeding to put one's feet in the 
 " trough"; that, no matter how much of a hurry 
 we may be in to play hockey or do the chores, we 
 should be quiet and graceful in our table move- 
 ments. If we see not what we want, or seeing it 
 out of our reach, we should ask for it quietly, in 
 an aside way — in a word, never to get up and 
 crawl over the table for a coveted article ! To 
 keep our mouth closed while masticating the food 
 therein, opening it to insert a new consignment or 
 to make some appropriate want known, or some 
 
Four Centuries After 179 
 
 timely observation — never to open it for the recep- 
 tion of a foot. It goes without saying that I was 
 instructed how, when, and where to use the knife, 
 and charged that, while an occasion might arise 
 permitting the use of the fingers in carrying food 
 to the mouth, we should jiever, never use our 
 knife for that purpose^save at the risk of being 
 socially ostracised. I was taught many other little 
 points on how to act at the table, but it must 
 already be apparent that I belonged to a highly 
 civilized American tribe. 
 
 SMOKE AT THE TABLE ^ sct out with thc Jntcntion of 
 AND CHARGE FOR cxposlng somc of the European's 
 
 THE PROGRAMME. • , i 1, J 1 • 
 
 ill manners — bad, accordnig to 
 our standard ; but it just occurs to me that, accord- 
 ing to this same code, I, as the guest of the people 
 I would criticise, may not do so. It would be 
 betraying the confidence those people reposed in 
 us. I cannot help being grateful toward a people 
 who, on several occasions, allowed us to eat our 
 dinner before demanding pay for it. So I will not 
 condemn them for smoking at the table ; I would, 
 however, have praised the ladies for sitting with 
 their hats off during the performance at the the- 
 atre if the management had not charged for the pro- 
 gramme and dragged their performance through 
 from six-thirty to eleven p.m. 
 
 CHARMING, YET poLi- I Can't Say enough in praise of 
 TIC, CURIOSITY. (-}^g charming way the German 
 hotel proprietor has of interviewing the stranger 
 who enters his house. He shows a lively interest 
 in knowing your nationality, where you just came 
 
i8o Four Centuries After 
 
 from, what your present business is, and where 
 you are going. When I learned that this informa- 
 tion is for the Government's edification — that these 
 interviews are a part of national policy — I was very 
 careful to answer the inquisitors truthfully, and to 
 use the same phraseology from day to day, so as 
 not to be accused of equivocating. When a Ger- 
 man official puts a question to you, you are not 
 justified in trying to put him oif with a fishing 
 exploit, or like evasive parley. 
 
 At first, this telling the truth 
 
 VERACITY AS A HABIT. , . , , . , 
 
 and nothmg but the truth will 
 cause you to act constrainedly, but after a few in- 
 terviews (unless you be a confirmed liar) you will 
 feel more at ease. Telling the truth, like lying, is 
 a habit which, when once acquired, is as easy as 
 lying. This truism cannot be demonstrated to a 
 liar, unless he be willing to form the habit of 
 always telling the truth — this last habit once 
 acquired, the demonstration is complete. I antici- 
 pate much good to come from a popular exposi- 
 tion of this bit of philosophy. Those who have 
 alwa)^s supposed their partiality for lying to have 
 been a part of their heritage may, on reading this, 
 try its efficacy. I would add, in the form of an 
 appeal — brethren, being denied the privilege of 
 choosing our grandfather, let us console ourselves 
 with the thought that we are permitted the choice 
 of telling the truth. What a privilege ! and yet 
 how few avail of the opportunity. 
 
PART IV 
 
 I 
 
 WE STEP FROM AN EM- Oil thc moming of Novem- 
 piRE INTO A REPUBLIC, ^g^ 30th, tlic Expeditioii fear- 
 lessly entered the Republic of Switzerland. We 
 understood that she had no standing army (or, 
 rather, that her army was rented), so we antici- 
 pated an easy conquest. Nevertheless, before 
 crossing the line, we carefully inspected our outfit 
 to see if it in any way bore even a suggestion of 
 Austria — made sure that there were no peacock 
 feathers in our hat. We had little doubt what the 
 outcome of an engagement would be, yet we did 
 not purpose encouraging hostility by flaunting any 
 of the hated Austrian's feathers. 
 "to ALL WHOM IT Wc wcrc ttot challcngcd until 
 
 MAY CONCERN." -^yg rcachcd Baslc, when we were 
 asked by a man in uniform to show our colors. 
 With a spread-eagle flourish, we drew forth our 
 letter of introduction from Mr. Blaine, and spread 
 it out before him. He began reading, " To all 
 whom it may concern," etc ; held the document 
 up to the light to admire the full-page American 
 
1 82 Fotir Centuries After 
 
 eagle (with its talons full of William Tail's darts) 
 in water print, and then, with an official curiosity, 
 turned his attention to our outfit. 
 
 I explained the mechanism of 
 
 OUR SOILED LINEN AND '■ 
 
 STOCK OF GOOD our pedomctcr, of our revolver, 
 INTENTIONS. ^^^ Q^j. g^QQ]^ Qf somewhat dam- 
 
 aged good intentions, which he begged us to do- 
 nate to the city of Basle to pave her streets with ; 
 but I advised him to try asphaltum and cork 
 instead. I showed him everything, even to a 
 bundle of soiled linen which we were trying to 
 keep concealed until we found an opportunity 
 to have it boiled and disinfected. He looked 
 it over, and said that he would have to run us 
 in to the quarantine. I explained that there was 
 really nothing infectious about it — that it was 
 German soil that made it look suspicious, which 
 soil we had thought would be an acceptable dona- 
 tion to his little rock-exposed republic. He saw 
 the force of my argument, and told us to pass 
 on. We passed, not " according to Hoyle," how- 
 ever. 
 
 II 
 
 THE THREE KINGS It may not be generally known 
 
 IN A REPUBLIC. ^^^^ ^^g oldcst hotcl In Switzer- 
 land, and one of the oldest, if not the oldest, in 
 the world, is The Three Kings at Basle. We 
 didn't put up at this hotel, though, as I am too 
 democratic in my sentiments to look for hospital- 
 ity in a hotel bearing such a regal name — it sounds 
 like a libel on the Swiss Republic. 
 
Four Centuries After 183 
 
 WE PREPARE FOR THE I thoroughly admircd the quaint 
 GEOLOGIST. ^]-j(^ curious carvings in Basle, and 
 
 on the following morning we started for Zurich. 
 It required no effort to believe that we were in 
 Switzerland — a land of snow and mountains. 
 During the day, the Expedition had great diffi- 
 culty to keep the snow from accumulating on the 
 bottom of its hob-nailed and iron-heeled shoes : as 
 a horseman would put it, the shoes "balled up." 
 We would stop at every stone we could find pro- 
 truding from out the snow, and stamp and kick 
 and — make unbecoming observations on the beauty 
 and utility of snow. We should like to hand down 
 some of the remarks we made — down to posterity, 
 even to the third and fourth generation ; but we 
 fear that that good society for the suppression 
 of adulterated literature might misunderstand our 
 motive. We succeeded in demolishing every stone 
 we came to, preparing the way for the geologist 
 who is studying the erosive effect of glaciers. 
 We don't like to mislead science, neither do we 
 like to walk all day on snowballs, like stilts, thus 
 endangering the ankles, the neck, and the ultimate 
 success of the Expedition. 
 
 During the day our route car- 
 ried us over slightly elevated 
 ground ; and when we had reached the highest 
 point in the path (where the wind seemed to come 
 from all points of the compass, but originally 
 started from the North Pole) the Expedition was 
 observed to grab for its ears as though there was 
 fear of their getting away or their exact location 
 
 HYPERBOLICAL EARS. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 being forgotten. This apprehensive movement 
 was repeated several times during the day, until at 
 night there was no difficulty in finding them, 
 although we had some difficulty in establishing 
 their identity, they were so badly swollen ; indeed, 
 they were so puffed up and exaggerated that when 
 the Expedition attempted to lie on its side, that 
 night, the head would roll off the ear of that side 
 almost as freely as it would have rolled off a guil- 
 lotine block at the drop of the knife. 
 YOU HAVE HEARD OF Durlng a night at Brugg, I was 
 TENNYSON'S BROOK? awakcncd several times in the 
 night by the sound of flowing water, which I was 
 forced to assume was rain-water running from the 
 eaves, although I knew that when I was last out- 
 of-doors it was by far too cold to permit of a rain- 
 fall. I was filled with apprehension when I 
 thought of what must be the result of a rain on 
 the then painful walking. I was very much re- 
 lieved in the morning, though, when I found that 
 the flowing water was coming from the ground 
 instead of the heavens. A stream of pure, cold 
 spring-water was flowing through the house on 
 every floor from cellar to attic — not spasmodically 
 during the dry season, like the action of Croton 
 water from a faucet on the top floor up in Harlem 
 a few years since, but full and steady, on and on, 
 like the brook to which Tennyson has called our 
 attention and which I refer to by permission of 
 his publishers. Flowing water is particularly 
 plentiful here in Brugg, the town being situated at 
 the confluence of the three rivers : Limmat, Reuss, 
 
Four Centuries After 185 
 
 and Aar ; still, I find that there is a barrel of 
 beer on tap in the hotel. 
 
 Ill 
 
 A PAIN WE SHALL CALL Thc poet ofteo refers to a 
 "nameless." nameless pain. I don't know 
 what he means, but I suspect he wishes to call our 
 attention to a distress the exact location of which 
 it would not be aesthetically correct to^mention in 
 a poem, or a drawing-room, or a serious work like 
 this. The Expedition met with one of these pains 
 this morning. We were making an imprudent 
 sally around a mountain side of uncertain foot- 
 hold when — something happened ! On looking 
 around, we found that the Expedition had met with 
 another one of its phenomenal falls. 
 
 We have thoroughly investi- 
 
 KOW ARE WE TO FALL => ^ 
 
 gracefully and gated " the Rise and Fall of the 
 PAINLESSLY? p^^^j^ Rcpublic," thinking their 
 
 experience might give us some points on this pain- 
 ful subject, as we knew the Dutchmen to be very 
 deliberate in their movements — and we reasoned 
 that deliberation in falling must have much to 
 recommend it to an enterprise that is doomed to 
 fall from once to 'steen times a day. We found 
 nothing that would answer our purpose, as we 
 ascertained that the Dutch Republic never reached 
 any great altitude, physically, and its fall is not to 
 be compared with some of the falls the Expedition 
 has sustained. Delsarte affords no practical ad- 
 vice in a case of this kind, as his pupils are taught 
 
1 86 Four Centuries After 
 
 to fall on a level surface, where they are prone to 
 lie (or lie prone) as evidence of their fall. Now, 
 the Expedition rarely " listeth where it falleth," 
 but instead, shoots off at a tangent and brings up 
 later on in the vague beyond. Those were the 
 exact lines it described in its ejaculatory course 
 this morning ; and that point of its anatomy which 
 received the staccato impact of the fall was what 
 would be called in architecture its rear elevation. 
 The resulting pain, the policy of the Expedition 
 has seen fit to call " nameless." 
 
 DELICACY IN THE Thc rcadcr will at once appre- 
 
 FACE OF " REALISM." giatc thls dcUcacyin the face of 
 the prevailing realism — when a leg is called a leg 
 — and will turn to a fly-leaf and make a long note 
 on this literary departure. 
 
 At another time, just at the 
 
 THE NICE REASONING " •• 
 
 OF AN UNBEFOGGED crltlcal momcnt when we were 
 BRAIN. grasping another scintillating but 
 
 elusive idea, we realized that the feet of the Ex- 
 pedition were on the brink of an almost bottom- 
 less pit. This was a very critical moment, and 
 required great presence of mind, quick decision, 
 and immediate action ! The situation was this : 
 A projecting crag offered us a support until we 
 could regain our foothold, but to accept this kind 
 support (offered, as it would seem, by a special 
 act of Providence), necessitated our loosing our 
 grasp of the precious thought we had in hand — 
 which meant the loss to the intellectual world of 
 an inspiration that would have covered, say, an 
 octavo page or two, and would have rendered 
 
Four Centuries After 187 
 
 many a fireside intensely brilliant for a few mo- 
 ments. Would it be noble to lose so much to the 
 world to save a paltry life ? No ! And we were 
 about to slip down, down, into a snowy grave, 
 clinging to our " last production " and the hope of 
 an ample reward, when it occurred to us that, 
 even should we make this generous sacrifice of a 
 life as resolved, we would be acting very much 
 like the man (unable to see more than one side of 
 a proposition at a time) who jumped from a 
 sinking ship into the sea with the ship's anchor in 
 his arms, and the vision of the precious gold it 
 would bring him at Simpson's junk-shop. 
 
 Here was a striking illustration in mental phi- 
 losophy, showing the nice lightning-like working 
 of an unbefogged mind. With feet slipping on the 
 brink of an awful abyss, the mind remained faith- 
 ful and accurate in its workings, and in an incredi- 
 bly brief space of time decided a question that 
 would have kept a grand jury out about eleven 
 hours. The working of a great brain is not only 
 interesting, but sometimes the gross results are 
 overpowering — particularly so when it is your 
 own brain that is working. 
 
 IV 
 
 THE SWISS POST CAR- Whllc mailing a parcel of 
 RiEs LIVE MALES, printed matter at Brugg, I was re- 
 minded of the well-known fact that the Swiss post 
 not only agrees to deliver your letter, but will 
 undertake to deliver yourself, too, if asked to do 
 
:8S Four Centuries After 
 
 so. This seems, at first sight, a very happy 
 arrangement. Think of being stamped and ad- 
 dressed " To Miss AngeUc Romantic, Neuchatel, 
 Switzerland," and then sitting down and passively 
 awaiting delivery. You may never have seen or 
 heard of your lady consignee, but coming to her 
 as you would, by post, would she not be justified 
 in receiving you with open arms, and without any 
 preliminary introduction ? As you would be in the 
 hands of the postal service, you would be expected 
 to act submissively, and be delivered as per ad- 
 dress, or returned to sender " if not called for 
 within ten days.' But the Swiss post's method of 
 delivering their real males may not be just as I 
 have pictured it. I have never been transmitted 
 by post, and should never submit to being sent to 
 a miss who was a perfect stranger— such a miss 
 might not be as good as a mile — in an opposite 
 direction. 
 
 V 
 
 TVROLESE MANTLE Duriug thc aftcmoon of De- 
 
 AND BUCKSKIN LEG- ccmbcr 3d, wc travcrsc the lovely 
 ^^^'^^- valley of the Limmat to Zurich, 
 
 the " intellectual capital " of Switzerland — the 
 "Athens of the Limmat." Here we are to rest 
 for a few days while a Tyrolese mantle and buck- 
 skin leggings are being made. The gentleman 
 who is to construct them was a resident of New 
 York City for some fifteen years, and the story of 
 his experience in the New World was told me in a 
 very graphic manner. It contains a wholesome 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 lesson for the ambitious young man of to-day ; so, 
 without really asking the permission of the reader, 
 I will bring it in here. 
 
 HIS HOME WAS TOO While Dut 2i mere boy, his 
 
 FULL OF PAIN. father (at the instigation of his 
 
 mother) gave him a most profound thrashing. 
 He could not brook such energetic precept ; it 
 not only stung at the point of contact, but a sense 
 of injustice rankled in his little heart. He re- 
 solved to go from beneath this " guiding and 
 restraining hand " — to leave the paternal stone- 
 laden roof, and fly to the land of the free and 
 the retreat for anarchists and the propagator of 
 contagious diseases. 
 
 HIS WILL AND HIS Thus, but half-flcdgcd, he lit 
 
 .STOMACH. Qyj. fj-om the parent nest, and, 
 
 with a sturdy heart and a few little trinkets tied 
 in a cotton handkerchief (of course), he stowed 
 himself away in the cargo of a transatlantic ship, 
 which bore him in due time (for a wonder) to the 
 shore of his adopted country. During the voyage 
 he faltered on several occasions (while his little 
 stomach was rejecting what he could ill afford to 
 lose), when he would gladly have submitted to 
 home treatment — but it was too late ; and one 
 day he found himself in a strange cit}'-, in a strange 
 country, surrounded by people who did not seem, 
 or care, to understand him. 
 
 At first he had a hard time of 
 
 THE "pin RACKET." . i i i • 1 1 
 
 It ; but before long he had picked 
 up a few words of Columbian, and a batch of 
 American ideas, and with this capital he made his 
 
19° Four Centuries After 
 
 real start in life. This was at the time, he said, 
 when the " pin racket " was being worked — when 
 a young- man who wanted a job would enter a 
 business house and, hat in hand, inquire for the 
 proprifetor. When (after respectfully standing 
 around for a long time, and being stared at by the 
 office boy) he finally got an audience with the 
 " old man," he would, while approaching his 
 would-be employer, and while yet at an effectual 
 distance, stoop and pick up a pin, and thus, by 
 this ingenious display of industry, he was sure of 
 an opening. Alas ! for the office-seeking boy of 
 to-day, this idea has gone entirely out of vogue — 
 it has been worked until " it doesn't pan out 
 enough to pay for washing." The great financier 
 of to-day is too far-seeing to be deceived by such a 
 ruse, and when a young applicant stoops in front 
 of him to pick up a pin, a suspender button, or to 
 tie his shoe, while he (a man whose every moment 
 is worth, maybe, many and many dollars) waits, he 
 meets the misguided youth with a curt " No ! " 
 which dissipates all hope of carrying the appeal to 
 a higher court. 
 
 Our transplanted Swiss at last succeeded in find- 
 ing an opening (he didn't say whether he found it 
 with a pin or used a can-opener) — he found an 
 opening, a mere crack at first, but in the course 
 of time he found a capacious entree to a highly 
 respectable business, and, in time, owned a con- 
 trolling interest in this business. He also con- 
 trolled several votes, which rendered his foothold 
 in New York much firmer and more secure. He 
 
Four Centuries After 191 
 
 winked when he imparted this information, which 
 set me to thinking. 
 
 With a modest measure of 
 
 HOM£ AGAIN — THE 
 
 CALF— A WIFE— Wealth came a desire to revisit 
 
 SHORN SAMSON. ^J^g pj^^g ^f J^jg |^jj.^J^_ r^^^ ^^^^ 
 
 he thought of home and its bright spots, here and 
 there between thrashing times, the stronger the de- 
 sire to be back again took hold of him — to forgive 
 all and make an ostentatious display of his wealth. 
 He recrossed the ocean ; this time occupying the 
 place of honor opposite the captain at the table, 
 to whom he never grew tired of telling his experi- 
 ence down in the hold, on his trip to America. 
 At home, the proverbial calf cutlet was served, 
 and adventures recounted. As he was still un- 
 married, he became the prey of designing mothers 
 and bold maidens, but one young lady, of a modest 
 and retiring nature, captured the prize. He had 
 intended to return to America after a brief absence, 
 but his wife (yes, he married her) could not bear 
 the thought of crossing an ocean to a strange 
 people ; so he reluctantly disposed of his business 
 in America, and opened up in Zurich — and here we 
 found him, happy in his family, but longing for 
 the push of American enterprise. 
 
 As he was a member of the 
 
 WOULD PERISH IN AT- 
 TEMPTING TO MAKE Alpine Club, I asked him his 
 
 THE PASS. candid opinion as to the possi- 
 
 bility of a man with good long legs getting through 
 the pass of the St. Gothard. He said that it was 
 utterly impassable — that no one had thought of 
 attempting to make it during the winter months 
 
192 Four Centuries After 
 
 since the opening of the tunnel beneath, and that 
 one would be sure to perish in an attempt. He 
 afterward saw and talked with other members of 
 the club, and they all agreed with him in regard 
 to the supposed condition of the pass. 
 
 At our hotel, I met a man who 
 
 THEY ALL AGREE THAT ' 
 
 IT can't be done— had acted as commercial agent for 
 we'll see ! ^ leading business house in Zurich 
 
 during the preceding twelve years, and claimed to 
 know every pass in Switzerland as well as he knew 
 his pocket ; and he felt just as positive as the 
 members of the Alpine Club that we would find 
 making the pass, at that season of the year, beyond 
 human power of endurance. I exhibited the legs 
 of the Expedition, which excited unbounded ad- 
 miration — even caused the barmaid to smile ; but 
 he persisted in holding that even so long and 
 cunningly moulded legs as we had chosen, and 
 pinned our faith on, could not carry us through 
 the pass. To all of which I rejoined, " We'll 
 see ! " 
 
 VI 
 
 BRUSHING AWAY a 
 
 I found the arsenal in Zurich 
 tear-i ASK, WHYNOT vcry intcrcsting. It was here I 
 
 LET HIM live ? i.t.^■^T^^■ r,-. , 1 > 1 i) 
 
 saw " William I ells cross-bow. 
 William is dead ; and despite this convincing cross- 
 bow, a species of vandal is trying to render him 
 deader. Alas ! (and right here I will venture to 
 say alas ! that I am called upon to use alas ! so 
 often) alas ! even fame gives no assurance of 
 
Four Centuries After 193 
 
 immortality. And still another noble lesson is 
 being shattered and thrown to the ground ! It is 
 true that nearly every country has had its William 
 Tell, but one alone lives in the mind of the 
 average boy up our way — but one noble, daring 
 William Tell, and his son looking trustingly up 
 into his father's determined face. What a lesson 
 for the youth of to-day ! Where is the son who 
 would stand unflinchingly while his father blazed 
 away at the apple with the cross-bow of to-day ? 
 The confidence of the son of to-day would come 
 from the assurance that his father would hit 
 neither the apple nor his trusting child, and not 
 from the belief that the. archer could hit an apple 
 as large as a barn. Yes, times have changed, or 
 else I have been mistaken. 
 
 In the city library, the most 
 
 zwingle's bible. . ■ 1 1 T 
 
 uiterestuig book 1 saw was the 
 Greek Bible of Ulrich Zwingle ; not that I could 
 read it, but from its associations. I always have 
 a certain kind of admiration for a man who has 
 the courage — moral or physical — to stand up and 
 denounce fraud and extortion. Zwingle believed 
 that the people were paying too much for their 
 indulgences. Some one has irreverently said that 
 he favored "quick sales and small profits." This 
 is ridiculous, of course, as he makes his purpose 
 quite clear in his ten propositions, and the courage 
 with which he defended his ground ought to go as 
 evidence of. his sincerity, although religious zeal, 
 of all enterprises, seems to be the most blinding 
 to human wants and needs. 
 (13) 
 
194 Four Centuries After 
 
 ZURICH'S FOUNTAINS ^ut thc most iiitercsting feature 
 
 AND PERPENDICULAR of Zurich IS hcr old fountains, 
 which play the year around. No 
 city father tells them when they may or may not 
 go out to play, but a higher authority has them 
 in charge — the Maker of the mountain whence 
 they draw their supply of crystal water. I also 
 admire the pitch of some of her streets. We 
 descended one that stood (the street stood) at an 
 angle of not quite i8o degrees — and then we 
 threatened to put in a bill for street cleaning. 
 
 VII 
 
 Early on the morning of De- 
 
 A MOUNTAIN SPUR. , , „ ,. . , - 
 
 cember 6th, the Expedition left 
 Zurich for Zug. For a time our course lay along 
 the margin of Lake Zurich, but in a few hours it 
 trended westward and led up the sloping side of 
 the Albis, which chain of mountains had to be 
 crossed. We thought to save time by leaving the 
 clearly defined path and taking a more direct 
 course, carrying us across a spur of considerable 
 magnitude. I will explain right here, for the 
 understanding of those readers who have formed 
 their notion of what a spur is from their geog- 
 raphy, and that implement of war on the old 
 rooster, that a spur is not a small pointed affair on 
 which point the traveller is in danger of falling 
 and actually being impaled. It is a sort of an 
 annex to the principal range of mountains, and 
 for whose point the traveller may search a long 
 
Four Centuries After 195 
 
 time and not find — unless his foot should slip and 
 he be involuntarily borne to observe that a spur, 
 although not itself a point, has more points than 
 are ascribed to a mariner's compass. In conversa- 
 tion we often fail to see a point, unless force is 
 used in directing our attention to it ; and thus, in 
 a drawing-room, where it is not permissible to 
 get up and emphasize one's points with physical 
 force, said points often fall short of the mark, and 
 the fattening joke is lost to the listener, who pas- 
 sively sits with a smile as expressionless as though 
 it had no brain-backing, and wonders what the 
 speaker is driving at, anyhow. 
 
 SOONER OR LATER, I^ this, our first expericncc with 
 
 SOMEWHERE (?). ^n Alpiuc spur of any pretence, 
 we had nearly everything pertaining to it to learn : 
 so in our sublime ignorance we boldly left the 
 path and struck out, intending to steer the Expe- 
 dition by compass alone, after the style of the 
 bold mariner, reasoning that, if we held a straight 
 course due south (deviating now and then a point 
 or so of the compass to avoid a point of the 
 mountain), we would arrive sooner or later at 
 another beaten path leading somewhere. This, of 
 course, was a little vague — but such are the vicis- 
 situdes of a great explorer. 
 
 WE HEAR SOMETHING Wc hadu't procccded far when 
 DROP again! we began to suspect that it would 
 
 have been by great odds the shorter way around. 
 Distances were cruelly deceptive, while the Expe- 
 dition was trying to annihilate them with a pure, 
 glistening snow, reaching anywhere from the 
 
196 Four Centuries After 
 
 Expedition's knees to its chin, but we were 
 undismayed by what to many would have been a 
 disheartening situation — we pushed on ; now over 
 crevasses, whose depths were not at all inviting ; 
 now climbing up a short declivity, and then expe- 
 ditiously descending another ; again in the yielding 
 snow to the depth, maybe, of six feet (?) ; then 
 emerging to a spot where the wind had blown 
 away the snow down to ice, that offered the Expe- 
 dition a most glorious start in life, for no telling 
 where. It was on one of these last-cited spots 
 that the Expedition met its Waterloo — where the 
 mountain side had been tilted to such an angle 
 that it nearly rubbed against the ear of the Expe- 
 dition ; the wind had brushed the snow away as 
 clean as if it had been paid for the job — to a 
 degree that would have put the New York Street 
 Cleaning Commissioner to shame. The Expedition 
 was carefully feeling its way around this spot, 
 when, " all at once, and nothing at first," something 
 was heard to drop t * * * 
 "NO VISIBLE MEANS lu vcstigatlon (somewhat em- 
 
 OF SUPPORT." barrassed by difficulties) disclosed 
 the fact that the Expedition had lost its equilibrium, 
 and for a time had " had no visible means of sup- 
 port," as is said of the widow ; but, obeying a 
 common law of nature, was gravitated down the 
 mountain side to a place of rest. Fleeting 
 glimpses of it could be had as it made its extem- 
 poraneous descent. The sequence of events, how- 
 ever, transpiring between the time of departure 
 and time of arrival at the lower terminus of our 
 
Four Centuries After 197 
 
 downward career, would sometimes get a little 
 confused ; nevertheless, we gleaned many facts in 
 physics — we also gleaned much snow down the 
 back of our neck, and in sundry other places. 
 INVESTIGATING CER- All thls rcqulrcd no great 
 
 TAIN PHENOMENA. physlcal cffort On the part of 
 the Expedition, so we set about investigating cer- 
 tain phenomena. " Change of place is motion," 
 was frightfully evident, and, " A body set in motion 
 will move forward in a straight line unless acted 
 on by some other force," was no less evident a 
 providential law. After a descent of four hundred 
 feet, and possibly a few inches — lightly touching 
 at points of interest en route, as a coasting 
 steamer might put it, the Expedition brought up 
 in a bank of snow of unknown depth. Here 
 a gross weight of about two hundred pounds 
 avoirdupois had fallen a distance of four hundred 
 feet — seemingly an extravagant dissipation of 
 energy, without the least recompense. Yet there 
 was reason in all this ; as though Providence had 
 been its guide, the Expedition found that it had 
 landed within a few feet of a well-beaten path, 
 which, by a few minutes' walk, brought us to a 
 small town, where reckonings were taken, and a 
 new departure made. 
 
 WE ENCOUNTER A I Tclatcd thls uarrow escape to 
 
 PROFESSOR. ^ professor who was carrying on 
 
 his geological researches in the Alps, and whom I 
 met at the Hotel Bellevue, Andermatt. He at 
 once inquired how I had determined the distance 
 of our fall with such nicety in so inaccessible a 
 
198 Foicr Cetituries After 
 
 place as I had described. I hadn't calculated on 
 this query, and it nearly carried me off my feet. 
 
 I will say rio^ht here, for the 
 
 DON T TRY TO LIFT -' 45 ' 
 
 YOURSELF OUT BY bcnefit of thosc who have always 
 YOUR BOOT-STRAPS. ^^^ ^ geuevous and not over- 
 critical audience (such as is usually found about 
 the stove of a country store), that my experience 
 teaches me it is well to examine closely one's 
 experiences for flaws before one hoists them on a 
 professor, who likes nothing better than to put 
 the unscientific recounter to a chemical test. 
 Just so sure as one loses his ladder, or rope, or 
 what not, and attempts in his bewilderment to 
 lift himself out of his deep predicament by his 
 boot-straps, the professor will brighten up and 
 observe : " Let's see ; you said you lifted yourself 
 out by your boot-straps ? I'll make a note of 
 that," as though he were going to subject it to a 
 test. Here the recounter becomes confused, and 
 feels that in some way he has made himself ridic- 
 ulous ; whereas, in case of doubt, had he gone to 
 the seclusion of his chamber before relating his 
 exploit, read his physics, and, standing before the 
 mirror, tested the availability of his boot-straps 
 in an emergency, he would have avoided the em- 
 barrassing box his short-sightedness and the pro- 
 fessor's long-sightedness got him in. 
 
 In my predicament I hastily reviewed my studies 
 in physics, and so promptly did my mental facul- 
 ties respond to the call, the professor seemed not 
 to have noticed my slight hesitancy in meeting 
 his query. 
 
Four Centuries After 199 
 
 I CHASTISE THE PRO- " Ah, profcssor, you make me 
 FEssoR. very happy ; I began to think 
 
 that I shouldn't have the opportunity of display- 
 ing my knowledge of physics. You see, as I 
 began my perilous and impromptu descent, it 
 occurred to me that I might have the pleasure of 
 relating my little exploit to some learned man 
 [here the professor smiled blandly and bowed in 
 acknowledgment of my nicely turned compli- 
 ment], so I bethought me to enter into detailed 
 observations. With this (which, mind you, oc- 
 curred to me at the very outset of my downward 
 career — I'm not referring to my moral decline), I 
 deftly carried my right hand to my left wrist, and, 
 locating the radial artery, began industriously to 
 count its pulsations. I am usually calm and col- 
 lected on the most trying occasions — save when 
 talking on scientific subjects [this for the pro- 
 fessor], so I was not surprised to find my pulse 
 throbbing almost as regularly as it would had I 
 been 'kinder loafing around' in the shade, of a 
 summer's afternoon ; and, notwithstanding many 
 doubtful attitudes I assumed en route, I lost not a 
 throb. When I gathered myself up I looked 
 around to see if a mountain spur had been broken 
 off or simply a spur of my anatomy — I felt sure 
 there had been a break in the continuity of some- 
 thing — and, having taken an inventory of my watch, 
 my compass, alpine-stock, my tourist's bag, my 
 flask, my mental faculties, and minor apparati 
 belonging to our outfit, I carefully set about to 
 compute the space I had passed through. Know- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 ing the number of pulsations my heart made in a 
 minute, and adding a few throbs thereto for pos- 
 sibly slightly accelerated pulse, I soon determined 
 the time that had been occupied in my downward 
 flight. Then I took into consideration the law 
 governing a falling body. In my case it seemed 
 as though it was an unruly law that had my fall- 
 ing body in charge, but this was doubtless an 
 error of personal equation. In working this thing 
 out, I had to take into account a slightly impeded 
 course — the two or three protuberances on the 
 mountain-side which had come in contact with 
 the, or my, falling body. By carefully feeling 
 those places on my anatomy which had received 
 the impact of these mountain-side protuberances 
 (not taking into account the contused area on my 
 anatomy marking my final lighting-place), I could 
 estimate by their degree of tenderness the gross 
 amount of retarded momentum said falling body 
 had sustained. After a vast deal of figuring, I 
 satisfied myself as to the space my comet-like pas- 
 sage had described in English feet and inches." 
 
 Here I looked defiantly at the professor, as 
 much as to say : " There, will you ever attempt 
 to overhaul me again ?" His face bore a striking 
 likeness to that of a drivelling idiot ! 
 WE CHEERFULLY CON- Thc falls cxperienccd by the 
 TRIBUTE TO SCIENCE. Expedltlon wlll scrvc as nice- 
 working hypotheses for the geologist in his attempt 
 to elucidate the violent changes that have taken 
 place from time to time in the configuration of the 
 earth's surface. Is this clear to the reader ? What 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 I wish to state is, that these extemporaneous and 
 reluctant alpine descents made by the Expedition 
 suggest to our somewhat contused brain a possible 
 explanation for the absence of a mountain spur 
 here and the presence of the demoralized or frag- 
 mentary remains of erratic ruminating and migrat- 
 ing homo, and the debris of other mammalia in 
 the lower regions. 
 
 Would the reader like a ray of 
 
 BEAUTIFUL TRUTHS IN -' 
 
 A TENACIOUS NUT- calclum light thrown on this sub- 
 ^^^^^- ject ? It's one thing to know 
 
 what you want to say, but it's quite another thing 
 to be able to select and arrange just such words 
 and exclamation points as shall clearly express 
 one's thoughts to the mind of a mixed audience. 
 If my readers had, one and all, received a thor- 
 ough training in geology, I could make this thing 
 appear as clear to them as the molecular theory 
 in chemistry. But here comes in the disadvantage 
 of not educating the public up to a certain stand- 
 ard. We come across one who knows it all, and 
 another who " doesn't know a little bit," as the 
 popular poetic saying goes ; thus handicapped, 
 one who would make clear to all alike the beauti- 
 ful truths wrapped up in science is left about the 
 same as speechless. 
 
 VIII 
 
 CONVERTING WATER lu our hotcl at Zug — thc Hdtel 
 
 INTO ELECTRICITY. ^^ ^^"^^^ ^^^ j^^^ PefistOH (whatcvcr 
 
 that may be) — my attention was called to one of 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 the many uses to which the ever-flowing water is 
 put in this, the grandest, in a perpendicular sense, 
 of all countries, namely, that of illumination. 
 
 This hotel is brilliantly lighted at a merely 
 nominal expense ; the cost of the plant, keeping it 
 in repair, and the care of the dynamo, which can 
 be intrusted to almost any one possessing the sim- 
 plest knowledge of electricity, including " when 
 and where to 'monkey 'with it." The contract- 
 ing effect of electricity on the protoplasm, particu- 
 larly the playful and evanescent little fellow called 
 the amoeba, should be explained in a few well- 
 chosen scientific terms, as a want of this simple 
 knowledge has often resulted in depriving a fam- 
 ily of one of its members, and sometimes of its 
 only visible means of support. 
 
 From Zug, on the morrow, 
 
 THE MOUNTAINS °' ' 
 
 BECKON US ON Dcccmber yth, we turned our 
 AND on! fg^^g toward Schwytz, our path 
 
 skirting the east shore of Lake Zug. The scenery 
 along our route keeps the Expedition thoroughly 
 alive all day. We have mountains for constant 
 companions — there are several going our way — ■ 
 that is, they keep just a little in advance of the 
 Expedition, as though acting our body guard. 
 This is by no means our first acquaintance with 
 mountains, but is the first time we ever approached 
 them by our present means of locomotion. When 
 one approaches a far-seeing mountain at the speed 
 of from thirty to forty miles an hour, and this, too, 
 while sitting in an easy-cushioned chair — you don't 
 notice her — the mountain's — shy, coy way ; but 
 
Four Centuries After 203 
 
 attempt to approach her on legs — on legs of your 
 own, be you ever so ardent, you will have your 
 attention called to her elusive ways several times 
 during the day, and again as dinner-time grows 
 apace. This phenomenon will be more apparent 
 to those persons who have been following ant- 
 hills all their lives. It is exasperating to walk all 
 day just at the foot of a mountain, as, if you were 
 working a treadmill — a mountain which you prom- 
 ised yourself in the morning you would cross — 
 maybe eat your noon-day meal just on the other 
 side ; while instead, at night, you find yourself just 
 on this side — the identical side which you have been 
 admiring all day until an empty stomach and lagging 
 feet enter a protest against so much admiration and 
 so little attention to the animal. It is not every day 
 that an expedition has such travelling companions 
 as the Righi and the Pilatus, while, on the other 
 hand, it is not every day that a great expedition 
 passes within hailing distance of aforesaid peaks 
 — a pretty even exchange of honors, I take it. 
 
 IX 
 
 don't TELL ME THERE Toward night we reached 
 WAS NEVEK A TELL ! Schwytz, lu thc cautou of that 
 name, and from which sprang the collective title 
 of the Swiss Republic. Truly, we are approach- 
 ing the home of William Tell. The person who 
 can walk from Schwytz, along the Bay of Uri, to 
 Altorf, and not feel ennobling emotions, had best 
 be watched by some detective bureau. I wouldn't 
 
AWFULLY GRAND 1 
 
 204 Four Ce?ituries After 
 
 trust such a person with my silver plate, for fear 
 he wouldn't resist the temptation to break it up — 
 and meet with pewter and disappointment. 
 
 The roadway from Brunnen to 
 Fliielen is cut nearly all the way 
 in the solid rock — a long, narrow shelf in the face 
 of a perpendicular cliff, from which the traveller 
 looks directly down on the surface of the lake. 
 At several points the roadway is tunnelled through 
 the rock, and through the lake side of the tunnels 
 are cut arched openings like the windows of a dis- 
 mantled cathedral, and through which one may 
 lean and look out over the lake many feet below, 
 the gentle breaking of whose waves this vaulted 
 chamber catches and exaggerates into a confusion 
 of silvery tinkles. After you enter this roadway 
 at Brunnen, you see no easy way out until you 
 reach Fliielen, at the foot of the lake. After the 
 Expedition had traversed this road for a distance, 
 we found it contained quantities of snow, ice, and 
 bowlders, that had become detached from above ; 
 and we saw several bowlders, weighing a few tons, 
 nicely poised above us as though awaiting our 
 martial tread to bring them down on us, though it 
 may be these same threatening missiles had re- 
 tained this same menacing attitude for ages. As 
 we saw no track of man or beast in the snow, we 
 began to suspect that we had taken the path in- 
 tended for summer travel only, but we saw no way 
 out save by advancing, so we kept on ; but we 
 stepped very carefully, and kept an expectant eye 
 on the debris stuck on the face of the cliff above 
 
Foitr Centuries After 205 
 
 our path. Midway between Brunnen and Fliielen 
 we came to William Tell's chapel, " where a small 
 ledge of rocks, still pointed out as ' Tell's plat- 
 form,' presented the only landing place for an 
 extent of several miles ; the steersman succeeded 
 in leaping on shore and effecting his escape. The 
 Voght also escaped the storm, but only to meet 
 a fate more signal from Tell's bow, in the narrow 
 pass near Kiissnacht." 
 
 "GASTHAuszuM Rcachiug Altorf, we put up at 
 
 wiLHELM TELL." thc Gastkuus zutii Wilhelm Tell, 
 Schoner grosser schatiiger Biergarten Mittagessen 
 von Fr. 1.50 an — Zummer zwn Fr. i — bis Fr. 1.50. 
 IV. Muller- Vonderach. There you have it, in a 
 nutshell. Very modest, you will see ; and you 
 may inquire why we didn't choose a more preten- 
 tious hotel. Because this was the only Gasthaus 
 zum Wilhelm Tell in Altorf. We should have 
 been tempted to accept the accommodation of 
 any place bearing that name — even a pigsty. 
 PROPER TRAINING lu thc momlug, as the Expedi- 
 
 wiLLTELL. \\Qx^. was passing through the 
 
 streets, it halted before a colossal statue, in wood, 
 of William Tell. Yes, we were really in Altorf, 
 in the Canton of Uri — Uri, the home of indepen- 
 dence ! It was between the men of the three 
 Lands — Uri, Schwytz, and Unterwalden — that the 
 "Everlasting League " was first made. A com- 
 pact entitled the " Everlasting League " speaks 
 of a spirit of determination which seems never 
 to have wavered. At Morgarten, and again at 
 Sempach, they bore out this determination to 
 
2o6 Four Centuries After 
 
 resist the authority of the Austrian. Arnold's 
 cry : " I will make way for you, confederates — 
 provide for my wife and children — honor our 
 race ! " can never be better understood than while 
 standing in the presence of all this natural gran- 
 deur. While we stood thus contemplating, we were 
 surrounded by, we should say, all the young Swiss 
 of the canton, who we suspected were getting 
 ready to attack the Expedition with snow-balls — 
 and we could almost feel the snow pack in our 
 ears and slip down the back of our neck. Thus 
 expectantly, we turned to move on, and as we did 
 so we were greeted with — what do you suppose, 
 my young American reader ? Yes, you, too, 
 would have expected snow-balls — snow-balls that 
 had been packed and dipped in water the night 
 before. We are wrong, this time— instead of a 
 fusillade of snow, one and all of this group of 
 young Tells respectfully raised their caps and 
 then quietly dispersed. The shock was almost as 
 great as iced snow-balls would have been. We 
 couldn't understand this. 'There was nothing in 
 our make-up that would have elicited such treat- 
 ment in an American village. Could it be that 
 this was the result of Swiss training ? 
 
 X 
 
 MORE ECSTATIC RAV- 
 
 We leave Altorf and continue 
 
 iNG. on up the valley of the Reuss. 
 
 It is a calm, cold morning, and the Expedition 
 
 tramps briskly along whistling a martial air, in 
 
Four Centuries After 207 
 
 which its shoes join with a sharp responsive chirp. 
 As yet, not a sunbeam has entered this deep nar- 
 row valley ; and we look out of shade, almost as 
 deep as twilight, to distant mountain-tops whose 
 eastern sides are illuminated by a brilliant band of 
 gold. In a few moments the gilding has reached 
 the western confines of the valley, and is creeping 
 down from crag to crag, until our way is bathed 
 in a flood of sunlight and bespangled with myriads 
 of dazzling gems. All day we trudged through 
 inspiring scenery. At one place the valley nar- 
 rows down until it is hardly more than a ravine ; 
 then again it expands into a wide plain, seemingly 
 without any entrance or exit, and through which 
 the shimmering Reuss can be seen taking its erratic 
 course. Here and there, against the sides of the 
 valley, in a setting of snow of vivid whiteness, 
 an Alpine home can be seen nestling, and at 
 greater intervals we see a cluster of houses, from 
 out which a spire protrudes ; and, farther up, there 
 stretches a long-drawn village, lying like a " burnt 
 seam " against the snow-clad mountain-side. Now 
 the thin silvery tones of the church bells drop 
 down into the valley from one side, then from 
 another, swelling and receding, echoing and re- 
 echoing, until their source loses its identity, and 
 the lone traveller is lost in an ecstasy of admira- 
 tion and bewilderment. 
 
 Toward night the Reuss has 
 
 DO YOU REMEMBER? . 
 
 dwmdled to a mere mountain tor- 
 rent ; now fretting over a narrow bed of rocks, 
 sparkling in the sunlight ; now a foaming cascade, 
 
2o8 Four Centuries After 
 
 ever growing smaller and more musical as we 
 approach its source in the upper Alps. The heat 
 of the afternoon sun, confined to the lower valley, 
 melts the snow until there is the chatter of water 
 everywhere. Can you recall those bright balmy 
 days in April, when the warming sun's rays were 
 reducing lagging snow-banks to tinkling stream- 
 lets — when the merry sound of flowing water 
 might be heard along the most insignificant hill- 
 side — when, as a boy, those promises of spring so 
 filled you with joy and goodness, duty became a 
 pleasure, and you let Hank's, or the other fellow's, 
 offence go unpunished ? AVell, it is these ever- 
 present Alpine streams that recall many such an 
 April day of a certain past, and between the past 
 and the present, this occasion is made one that 
 can never be forgotten. 
 
 XI 
 
 WE ENCOUNTER AN 
 
 I am keeping an eye alert for a 
 IBEX !-iN OUR MIND, chamols or a stray ibex, but for 
 some reason they fail to show up. It may be that 
 the formidable appearance of the Expedition has 
 frightened them off — they are said to be very shy 
 in the presence of strangers. On the whole, it may 
 be as well that we are not permitted to encounter 
 either of these animals. I can picture the awkward- 
 ness of a situation wherein an ibex, with horns 
 almost as long as the Matterhorn, stands in the 
 path of the Expedition. I loathe to shed the blood 
 of an innocent creature, particularly if it be large 
 
Four Centuries After 209 
 
 and formidable. I also loathe to have my own 
 blood shed — I need what little I have. With all 
 this loathing, the progress of the Expedition might 
 have been arrested for some time, had an ibex ap- 
 peared in our path. 
 
 "they HAD NO We are informed that "the few 
 
 WINGS." endemic species of mammalia 
 
 found in the Alps, are chiefly small rodentia and 
 insectivora, which can multiply rapidly in the 
 midst of a large and increased human population." 
 This is putting it very modestly, indeed. The 
 discovery we made in the dead of a night in 
 Switzerland, led me to believe that a something 
 belonging to the animal kingdom (though residing 
 in a republic) was epidemic, and that the insecti- 
 vora referred to were not performing their con- 
 tract. The species we encountered was not so 
 coy as the ibex ; we found that they were even dis- 
 posed to get right in bed with a perfect stranger — 
 they introduced themselves. I judged that they, 
 too, would multiply rapidly in the midst of a large 
 and increasing human population. 
 
 XII 
 
 THE VISCOUS AND 
 
 The management of the Expe- 
 PLASTic THEORY." ditiou was vcry sorry that it was 
 unable to investigate fairly the " viscous and 
 plastic theory " of James Forbes, as applied to 
 the glacier, and her graceful yet deliberate move- 
 ments down the mountain-side. I wanted to 
 examine a piece of ice that was viscous and plastic. 
 (14) 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 All ice that has come in sudden contact with my 
 anatomy seemed to have the property of a solid, 
 in an exalted degree. I believe that a small area 
 of plastic, and not necessarily viscous ice, would be 
 just the thing to learn to skate on. I well recollect 
 the ice I learned to skate on. It wasn't plastic. In 
 the course of a short time it contained stars of all 
 magnitudes ; the collection included a dog star, a 
 Venus and Adonis, constellations, dippers and 
 bears — stars that had gotten into the profession 
 through a back window or by high kicking — the 
 field of ice was literally strewn with stars, but 
 there wasn't a garter in sight. 
 
 THE IMPORTANCE OF ^r. ^ Croll's thcory of the 
 
 COOPERATION. glaclcr's movement has helped 
 us very much to elucidate the phenomenon of the 
 Expedition's course down a mountain-side. He, 
 Dr. Croll (the dear old soul), says in his "Climate 
 and Time" : "As the glacier cannot expand later- 
 ally on account of the walls of its channel, and as 
 gravitation opposes its expansion up the valley, it 
 necessarily finds relief by a downward movement 
 — a direction in which gravitation cooperates " — 
 almightily, as we will venture to add. In lieu of 
 a better illustration, this reference to a glacier's 
 movements may be applied to the persistent down- 
 ward movement of the Expedition. It is true that 
 the Expedition can, in an emergency, expand a 
 little laterally — it has done so on several occasions 
 when we were living on the American plan. It is 
 positively true that, as gravitation opposes the 
 expansion of the Expedition up the valley, it (the 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 Expedition), following the same law governing 
 the glacier, finds relief (after a fashion) by a down- 
 ward movement — the direction in which gravita- 
 tion" never fails to cooperate. We must not over- 
 look the importance of this cooperation of gravi- 
 tation — its assistance is something astonishing ; in 
 fact, the operations of gravitation so outshine all 
 other physical operations, I believe it would be no 
 more than just to leave off the qualifying " co," 
 and speak simply of the operations of gravitation. 
 I believe in justice, and rendering unto Csesar, 
 etc. 
 
 XIII 
 
 THE HOISTING PROP- 
 
 The Expedition claims to be 
 ERTiEs OF CHEESE. an authorlty on Schweitzerkase. 
 We have seen it growing in its native clime — or 
 we should say climb, as much of the material can 
 be had only by climbing for it — and we have 
 thoroughly tested its lifting powers. AVhen we 
 resolved that we would attempt to march through 
 the Alps, we saw that we would have to look 
 about for an aliment possessing great lifting prop- 
 erties. We stumbled on to the alluring statement 
 that a pound of very ordinary cheese, " completely 
 oxidized in the human body, produces a force 
 equal to two thousand seven hundred and four 
 foot-tons '' — 2,704 foot-tons ! Can you compre- 
 hend the astonishing significance of such a force, 
 fellow-economist ? One pound of cheese impart- 
 ing a force of 2,704 foot-tons ! You appreciate 
 the magnitude of 2,704 feet when looking from 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 such an altitude, and you doubtless have a notion 
 of the crushing weight of a ton ? 
 FIGURATIVELY SPEAK- You Hiay bc ablc to grasp the 
 iNG, ONLY. full import of such' a statement, 
 
 but I frankly own that the thing is not as clear as 
 noontide to me. When I first saw the statement, 
 I soliloquized, " Ah, ha ! " I saw at once an easy 
 means of surmounting all obstacles requiring force, 
 and I at once sat down and formed a rough esti- 
 mate of the number of pounds of cheese it would 
 take to carry the Expedition over to the sunny 
 side of the Alps. I found that I could figure the 
 Expedition across the Alps with surprising facility, 
 and have a quantity of cheese left, figuratively 
 speaking : but when it came to a practical test, I 
 found one serious drawback to the smooth work- 
 ing of the thing as viewed in perspective, namely : 
 that of preparing cheese for oxidation in the 
 human system. A pound of cheese in a human 
 stomach is not a pound of cheese ready for a 
 system to oxidize. I would like respectfully to 
 inform the scientific gentleman who offered such 
 a glowing account of his cheese experiment — (and 
 who doubtless carried on his researches in a sheet- 
 iron-lined laboratory, and not in his stomach) — 
 that a pound of ordinary, inoffensive-appearing 
 cheese, in an ordinary human stomach, will hardly 
 lift its own weight ; and, notwithstanding all this 
 man of science claims, man will never mount to 
 the New Jerusalem if he depends on the lifting 
 properties of cheese. 
 
 Scientific gentlemen are prone to make statements 
 
Fom' Centuries After 213 
 
 that very far mislead the unscientific public, and I 
 believe it is about time these gentlemen were 
 clothed in an injunction or placed in a strait- 
 jacket, or under some like restraint. 
 GENEALOGY IN A Whcn I first hcard that the 
 
 CHEESE. Swiss of the cheese district were 
 
 in the habit of keeping their genealogy in a famil)^ 
 cheese, instead of the family Bible, I was very 
 curious to know their reason for selecting seem- 
 ingly so transitory a substance. I know now. I 
 was mistaken about the durability of cheese. 
 There is cheese that is as lasting — almost as endur- 
 ing — as stone. It is not unusual to find a famih^ 
 cheese one hundred and fifty years of age. Now^ 
 when we find a specimen of cuneiform writing, I 
 carefully examine it to see if it is not fashioned 
 out of Schweitzerkase. 
 
 THE KIND OFFICE OF Thc productlou of Schwcitzcr- 
 THE GOAT. kase is a wholesome study in econ- 
 
 omy. Years ago, long before Columbus discovered 
 America (we often refer to this event, as it is the 
 one most easily grasped by the American of 1892), 
 the inhabitants of the upper Alps bethought them 
 to what practical use they could put the desultory 
 patches of grazing land, out of the reach of man. 
 As a solution to the problem, almost divine in its 
 nicety, along came the tight-rope-walking goat, 
 with her goatee and kids. She boasted that she 
 could get a living where the chamois left off — far 
 above where the conifer ceased its struggle for 
 a precarious existence. The milk of the goat 
 naturally suggested cheese ; and thus it came 
 
214 Four Centuries After 
 
 about that the choicest grades of cheese are made, 
 through the instrumentality of the goat, from the 
 moss and hchen and tender grasses that are out of 
 the reach of all herbivora but the goat. One of 
 the characteristic Alpine scenes is a lone man — 
 or, as often, a woman— -with a flat, oblong wooden 
 can containing goat's milk, strapped to the back, 
 slowly descending yon distant mountain-side. 
 THE AGGRESSIVE DO- Wc havc catcu all kinds of 
 MESTic CUSS. Schweitzerkase, and in quantities 
 
 that caused an insurrection in our domestic econ- 
 omy, until we fell in with a piece of cheese that 
 was found to be the habitat of the Acartis dojnes- 
 ticus. This decided it. We banished at once 
 cheese from our bill of fare. When that little 
 domestic cuss, familiarly known as " skipper " (I am 
 not sure whether this is simply his nautical pseu- 
 donym, or not), steps right into a piece of cheese 
 and makes it his home and reproducing grounds, 
 I gladly admit that possession is nine points of 
 the law, and accordingly vacate all rights and 
 liens to said cheese. 
 
 Speaking of the acarus and his 
 
 A NICE, BUT PERPLEX- '^ ^ 
 
 iNG QUESTION IN cascous haunts, recalls a nice 
 ETHICS. question in ethics — or elsewhere 
 
 — I was called upon to decide for a group of 
 young German soldiers we met at Mayence. One 
 young fellow related that late one evening, while 
 on a hurried shift by rail from Cologne to Wesel, 
 he ate a hastily compiled lunch, consisting princi- 
 pally of cheese, which his soldierly appetite rel- 
 ished keenly. On the morrow (we say morrow, as 
 
Four Centuries After 215 
 
 there is a touch of poetry in the experience) he 
 discovered by the light of day that the remaining 
 piece of cheese contained a thriving colony of 
 acari — or, speaking more accurately, the remains 
 of a colony that had been many times decimated by 
 the soldier. What this philosophical young German 
 soldier wished to know was the lesson the experi- 
 ence was intended to teach — that man should not 
 tackle cheese until it has been reconnoitred, or 
 was it intended to point out to the acarus the 
 danger it ran in taking up its abode in cheese? 
 This was the alleged excuse he had for recit- 
 ing so unpalatable an experience ; but I suspected 
 him of having an ulterior motive, as we were din- 
 ing at the time, and the cheese that was just 
 brought on with the dessert had been the occasion 
 of the recital. As I have outgrown the delicacy 
 of youth, the young soldier's shot fell far short of 
 the mark ; and I rejoined : " The experience you 
 so thoughtfully and timely submit for my humble 
 opinion reminds me of the vexed question in the 
 case of the worm that gets caught by the early 
 bird. Wherein does the lesson lie ? — that the 
 worm should seek his lair before the arrival of the 
 bird ; or, that the bird should be up and doing 
 at a very early hour? You will plainly see that if 
 the worm puts himself out of sight before daylight, 
 the advice to the bird in regard to early rising 
 would be of little avail. I shall have to decline 
 offering an opinion on the profound question." 
 At this I scooped up a quantity of cheese and ate 
 it with more gusto than I actually felt, and the 
 
2i6 Four Centuj'ies After 
 
 philosophizing soldier called for wine for the party, 
 while all hands laughed a broad German laugh. 
 HORSE-PLAY OR I found It much easier to accept 
 
 SWORD-PLAY ? such horse-play in a matter-of-fact 
 way than to take offence, and such conduct dis- 
 concerts the German and offers no favorable 
 opportunity for a " parley " with swords. I always 
 prefer to parley with words rather than with 
 swords. A cut with pointed words doesn't draw 
 blood, as does a sword in skilful hands. 
 
 XIV 
 
 SHALL WE GO 
 
 On December loth the Expe- 
 THRouGH THE PASS, dltlon rcachcs Goschenen, the 
 OR UNDER IT? ^^^^^j^ eutrancc of the St. Gothard 
 Tunnel. Here the question, " Shall we go through 
 the Alps, or over the Alps ? " has to be decided. It 
 would be a short, dark, uninteresting ride of nine 
 miles through the tunnel ; but over the mountain — ■ 
 who can tell what we may not see? How shall I 
 ever be able to describe a mountain pass unless 
 we explore one ? — and we decided to go up to the 
 entrance and look in, at least. 
 
 I find that the builder of our 
 
 STOLEN FIRE. . 11../ T ■ 1 
 
 " guide book (maliciously so 
 called) has used the very words I intended to use 
 in speaking of this part of our route. I will for- 
 give him this once, trusting he will never again 
 steal my fire. He has quoted me, as I might put 
 it (although he has neglected to credit the source 
 of his extract or abstract), as saying : 
 
Four Centuries After 217 
 
 " From Goschenen, the road runs through a ra- 
 vine called the Schollenen, above which the rocks 
 ascend perpendicularly to a great height, while the 
 Reuss is heard to rush through its narrow channel 
 at a considerable depth below. The road passes 
 by a huge block of granite, dislodged from the 
 cliff called the Teufelstein (devil's stone), from a 
 tradition that it was thrown down by the devil. 
 Parts of the road about here are roofed over by 
 stone, and niches are cut in the rock to protect 
 travellers from the avalanches which occasionally 
 descend in the spring. We repeatedly cross and 
 recross the river by a zigzag route, over many 
 bridges, and presently arrive at the Devil's Bridge, 
 constructed originally, it is stated, in 11 18, by 
 Giraldus, Abbot of Einsiedeln. The span of the 
 arch is twenty-six feet, and its height from the 
 surface of the water to the keystone about sev- 
 enty ; but as the arch spans a cataract almost 
 vertical in its descent, the bridge thus acquires an 
 altitude of nearly two hundred feet. 
 
 " The whole scene is full of 
 
 that's right! , ,11 
 
 savage grandeur — leavmg out 
 of account the diabolical spell the devil has 
 thrown about the spectator. " The granite rocks 
 rise sheer and unbroken from the water's edge, 
 and present a steep and sterile grandeur which 
 artists of many centuries have in vain striven ade- 
 quately to delineate." The advertiser of soap and 
 stomach bitters, however, hasn't striven in vain ; 
 he got there with his little ladder. This species 
 of vandal is an agile little cuss. 
 
2i8 Four Ce7itu7'ies After 
 
 " The new bridge, even while we stand on its 
 centre — itself twenty-seven feet higher than the 
 old one — seems forgotten, amid the awful acces- 
 sories with which it is surrounded ; yet, in the 
 solidity of its structure, boldness of its design, and 
 the airy expanse of its arch, it affords expressive 
 evidence that the constructive genius of man can 
 triumph over the most formidable natural ob- 
 stacles." 
 
 Here I would remind the reader of a well-known 
 event in Paul's campaign against the French, 
 namely — the encounter of the contending armies 
 in the valley of Urseren, where the French were 
 pretty badly demoralized, and put to it for breath. 
 Suwarrow, commander of the Russian forces, in his 
 despatch gives Paul a brief but thrilling account 
 of his exploit : 
 
 " Our army penetrated the dark mountain cav- 
 erns of Urseren, and made themselves master of a 
 bridge which connects two mountains, and justly 
 bears the name of the Devil's Bridge. Though the 
 enemy had destroyed it, the progress of our vic- 
 torious soldiers was not impeded. Planks were 
 tied together with the officers' sashes, and along 
 the bridge they threw themselves from the preci- 
 pices into tremendous abysses, and falling in with 
 the enemy, defeated them wherever they met. 
 
 " It now remained for our troops to climb a 
 mountain, the summit of which is covered with 
 eternal snow, ice, and clay, by which numbers of 
 our horses were impelled down the yawning cav- 
 ern, where some found their graves, and others 
 
Four Centuries After 219 
 
 escaped with the greatest difficulty. It is beyond 
 the power of language to paint this awful spec- 
 tacle in all its horrors." 
 WHAT WERE OUR ^^6 evcut just rcfcrrcd to was 
 
 CHANCES? during the month of September, 
 
 1799 ; our Expedition reached the valley of 
 Urseren on the loth of December, nearly a cen- 
 tury later. If Suwarrow lost thousands of his 
 soldiers in making this pass during the month of 
 September, and at a time when, there being no 
 tunnel, there was an unrelenting attempt at keep- 
 ing the pass open throughout the year, what were 
 the chances of the Expedition's getting through, 
 without a greater sacrifice of life and other para- 
 phernalia ? This was the query which entered the 
 mind of the Great Explorer, as we marched up the 
 valley of the Urseren to Andermatt. We stopped 
 at Hotel Bellevue for dinner, and with the hope 
 that we mi^ht gain some information regarding 
 the present condition of the pass. This hotel — 
 (the first in Andermatt) — was still open for the 
 accommodation of a few guests who wished to fill 
 their consumptive lungs with a dry, bracing air. 
 I believe they were pursuing a wise course, as I 
 very much doubt if the bacillus of consumption 
 would find the air of that altitude, during the 
 month of December, congenial and favorable for 
 its enterprise — except members of the fur-bearing 
 bacillus, and they are too rare to create much 
 damage. We could gain no knowledge of any 
 one's having attempted to make the pass within 
 many weeks, and no one seemed to have thought 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 of doing so. They all seemed of the opinion that 
 the valley had snow and. bluster enough in it for 
 even an aspiring Esquimau. They were unmis- 
 takably people of intelligence and refinement, but 
 they could hardly conceal their consternation, 
 pity, or some like emotion, when I casually re- 
 marked that I believed we would attempt to reach 
 Airolo by the pass of St. Gothard. 
 
 That afternoon we proceeded 
 
 THEY SHOOK THEIR i 
 
 HEADS, ALIKE FOR to Hospcuthal, a little hamlet 
 
 GOLD AND SILVER. j^^^ ^^ ^^g f^^j ^f ^^g p^^g^ 
 
 where we found accommodation for the night with 
 the postmaster — we wished to be as near the pass 
 as possible on the following morning. Save for a 
 few guides and their families, this place was de- 
 serted for the winter. Our host was an Italian, 
 who could speak not a word of Columbian, but 
 we succeeded in making it known that we wished 
 to cross the Alps by the St. Gothard Pass. He 
 appeared very much frightened, and when we 
 inquired for a guide he shook his head. That 
 evening every member of the hamlet, we should 
 judge, called and looked the Expedition over — 
 admission, free ! They all looked as though they 
 were very needy, but one and all sorrowfully shook 
 their heads at the silver five-franc piece offered for 
 the services of a guide to pilot the Expedition as 
 far as the hospice. As the test of their real opin- 
 ion as to the probable condition of the pass, we 
 held out a napoleon. Their mouths watered at the 
 appearance of the glittering gold, but they shook 
 their heads in the negative, alike for silver and 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 gold. This made us feel a little queer. Here 
 were strong, able-bodied men, who had passed 
 .their lives in sight of the pass, and who, without 
 a doubt, were much in need of the simple neces- 
 saries of life, but were not tempted by a napoleon 
 to enter the pass. It seems as though this, added 
 to the discouraging advice received all along our 
 route, would have turned back any enterprise that 
 was not guided by a fool — and it doubtless would. 
 Nevertheless, we went to bed that night with the 
 resolution that, the weather not having changed 
 much for the worse during the night, we would, 
 early on the morrow, start up the pass, reserving 
 the privilege of turning back in the event of a 
 storm or — a change of purpose. We awoke 
 several times during the night, with the impres- 
 sion that we heard the death-watch pacing back and 
 forth along the corridor in front of our cell. This, 
 of course, was a phantom of a feverish brain. 
 
 XV 
 
 According to arrangement, we 
 were called in the morning at six 
 o'clock ; and hastily eating a light breakfast, and 
 bidding our host and his family good-by — (with 
 the suggestion that they might expect us back to 
 dinner) — we started out in the dim twilight of the 
 morning of December nth. The Expedition's 
 time-piece pointed to the hour of 6.45. With a 
 heart full of misgivings and determination, the 
 Enterprise proceeded by the winding road up the 
 pass. 
 
 THE START. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 When we had reached the first 
 
 WE LOOK BACK. i i r 1 ■, i 
 
 level of the pass, we turned and 
 looked down in the valley of the Urseren. The 
 mountain ridge forming the opposite side of the 
 valley was just discernible in the dim twilight of 
 the morning ; a little to our right down the valley 
 lay Andermatt, white and peaceful ; and beneath us 
 nestled the half-ruined little town we had just left, 
 whence now came the distant, wavering notes of 
 the chapel bell, striking like a death-knell the half- 
 benumbed ears of the lone being standing far 
 above. It was just seven o'clock ; and it occurred 
 to us that our hostess had given us to understand 
 (with a look in her superstitious face that was far 
 from reassuring) that the people of the hamlet 
 were to pray for the safety of the Expedition that 
 morning. After a few moments' deliberation, we 
 turned our back on the valley, and continued on 
 up the winding path of the pass. 
 WE HAVE " COME TO A A fcw obscrvations on " the 
 GREAT PASS." grcat pass we had now come to " 
 seem timely, and with the reader's permission we 
 will allow the Expedition to walk on while we 
 look up statistics ; and those who don't care for 
 statistics may walk on with the Expedition. 
 
 The situation of the St. Gothard Pass is in many 
 respects peculiar : the fact that it lies at an alti- 
 tude of nearly seven thousand feet, and has a 
 winter of from eight to nine months' duration 
 (statistics do not state so clearly to what season 
 the other four months of the year are assigned), 
 belongs not to its striking features ; but the well- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 known fact that all the valleys that contain the 
 most considerable streams of the central Alps 
 appear to radiate from the neighborhood of this 
 pass does lend it peculiar interest. If we measure 
 from the summit of the St. Gothard Pass to the 
 head valleys of the Rhone, the Aar, the Ruess, 
 the Voder Rhine, the Ticino, and the Toccia, we 
 will find — if we don't break our neck in the peril- 
 ous attempt — that the most distant lies within a 
 radius of nine English miles from that point. 
 Some writers regard this pass, in some special 
 sense, the central point of the whole system of the 
 Alps. On each side of the pass the mountains rise 
 to an altitude of from 8,000 to 10,000 feet. During 
 the winter months the snow is said to sometimes 
 drive into masses forty feet high, and avalanches 
 are not infrequent. The hospice is situated just 
 below the summit of the pass. There was a hos- 
 pice here as early as the thirteenth century — be- 
 fore Columbus had completed his arrangements 
 for a call on the Khan-Khan of Tartary. In 
 the seventeenth century a larger one was built, 
 but was ruthlessly swept and dusted away by an 
 avalanche in 1775 ; but it was succeeded by a third, 
 which was also followed by still another larger 
 and more commodious one. As winter sets in, 
 two men and a dog take up their quarters in the 
 old building, becoming, for the space of eight 
 months or so, forced anchorites. It is their duty 
 to care for the buildings, and assist any ''phool " 
 who may in a moment of unusual depression stray 
 away into the pass. It was the intention of the 
 
2 24 Four Ceftturies After 
 
 Expedition to endeavor, at the most, to reach the 
 hospice the first day, where we would remain over 
 night, continuing the exploit to Airolo on the fol- 
 lowing day. 
 
 The roadway through the pass, like most of the 
 roads in Switzerland and other European coun- 
 tries, was said to be marked on either side by 
 stone posts two to three feet in height. It was 
 those inanimate guides we intended to look to for 
 evidence of a road ; so long as they were in sight, 
 there was little danger of our losing our way. 
 Two conditions might occur to conceal our guide, 
 namely : the stones might be at places covered 
 with snow, or a storm might come up and conceal 
 them. In either event, the Expedition felt it 
 would be very much embarrassed, to put it mildly. 
 For some distance, the wind 
 
 CONFIDENT. 
 
 had kept the roadway swept 
 pretty clean of loose snow, leaving a hard and, 
 in many places, slippery path, over which, with 
 care, we could make good progress — and we felt 
 encouraged. At the end of an hour we began to 
 encounter patches of freshly fallen and drifted 
 snow, through which we passed with some labor ; 
 this, however, by no means discouraged us — on 
 the contrary, we began to suspect that all that 
 was needed in successfully making the pass was 
 an unlimited stock of " X L C R." 
 
 At the expiration of another 
 
 SNOW, SNOW, SNOW ! 
 
 half-hour the patches of imped- 
 ing snow had become blended in one continuous 
 patch, of varying depth and consistency, the pas- 
 
Four Centuries After 225 
 
 sage of which demanded an unrelenting effort. 
 A few flakes of snow now struck the cheek of 
 the Great Explorer. They continued to come, 
 increasing in number. The wind, which blows 
 pretty constantly down the pass, had now at- 
 tained a velocity that dislodged the falling snow, 
 and carried it whirling by. At the end of the 
 second hour out, the Expedition wavered for a 
 moment — it was stalled in snow hip deep, and the 
 air at times was so full of snow, objects were un- 
 discernible at a distance of a few paces — in fact, 
 there was nothing to be seen but snow, snow, 
 snow, with here and there a straggling stone 
 doubtfully indicating the trending of the road. 
 
 " Would it not be better to 
 
 DELIBERATION. 
 
 turn back ? " the Explorer asked. 
 We felt that it would, although we knew that it 
 would require a mighty exertion to retrace our 
 steps. We had a vague notion that the hospice 
 could not be far ahead. 
 
 WE RESOLVE NOT TO Wcrc you cvcr beset by an im- 
 TURN BACK. pulsc to do wroug — to do some- 
 
 thing that betrayed a moral weakness — for exam- 
 ple (which is offered freely, without added cost), 
 a desire to read a trashy novel with a very flexible 
 paper cover, instead of a work on travel, or the 
 book you took out of the Sunday-school library 
 last Sunday, with no well-formed intention of 
 reading? As you are born of woman, you have 
 doubtless been thus afflicted. Fortunately, our 
 moral deformities are not all alike. We were on 
 this occasion tempted to hazard a life, simply to 
 
2 26 Four Centuries After 
 
 carry out a determination we had made to cross 
 the European continent on foot. Considerate 
 posterity would place our name in the same cate- 
 gory with bridge-jumpers, jumpers from a balloon, 
 the man who went through the whirlpool in a 
 barrel, the bold mariner who sailed across the 
 ocean in a cockle-shell, and the man who goes in 
 search of the North Pole. And notwithstanding 
 our somewhat flippant remarks regarding such 
 doubtful methods of seeking fame, we now ex- 
 claimed : " What a glorious prospect ! " Here we 
 are reminded how easy it is for a great mind to 
 pigeon-hole its prejudices while carrying out a 
 noble (or otherwise) project ! And thus, as we 
 worried on through the snow, prospective compli- 
 ments went surging through our dazed brain ; — 
 and we resolved not to turn back. 
 ouK SPIRITS ARTi- At the cnd of the third hour 
 
 FiciALLY ELEVATED, q^^., We camc to a half-ruined 
 chalet. We entered it, and taking out a visiting 
 card, we wrote in pencil (not blood) across the 
 face of it, "9.45 a.m., December nth — caught in 
 a snow-storm, while en route from Hospenthal to 
 Airolo, but hope to reach the hospice before 
 night," and then tucked it in a crack over the 
 entrance door, where it can easily be found to-day, 
 if some one hasn't already borne it away as a rare 
 souvenir of the pass. After taking a not very 
 strong pull at the Expedition's flask, we started 
 on, with our spirits slightly elevated, and those in 
 the flask depressed in a like degree. For several 
 weeks the Expedition had been tugging around a 
 
Four Centuries After 227 
 
 quart of the best inspiration, or budge, that could 
 be had in America for money, and until this occa- 
 sion we hadn't uncapped it ; but on this day it 
 proved to be a mighty fulcrum. 
 WE MIGHT NOT BE ^^6 hadu't gouc far from the 
 
 ABLE TO PROVE AN chalct wlicn thc stones by the 
 '^"'^'' roadside sank entirely out of 
 
 sight, and our course became but a shrewd con- 
 jecture. As is well known, the configuration of 
 clean snow during a storm that cuts off the sun's 
 rays is not easily determined by the eye — very 
 uneven surface appears as though perfectly level. 
 This deception presented another danger — we 
 might at any moment walk off a bluff or into a 
 deep chasm, and very effectually dispose of our 
 remains for a long, long time, until exhumed by 
 some enterprising geologist or some brother 'ist. 
 This prospect was not at all cheerful — here we 
 took another pull. This was preparing us for 
 another emergency — tended to make the Expedi- 
 tion feel as though it could trudge and wallow 
 on over chasms or any other styles of holes in the 
 ground. 
 
 Along toward the expiration of the fourth hour 
 we came to banks of snow that threatened t,o 
 engulf us ; here we tried lying down and rolling. 
 This means of locomotion was slow and tedious, 
 but at places the snow was so yielding it was our 
 only means of keeping on the surface. From this 
 onward, progress was all work and no play, as 
 there were no places where the snow didn't come 
 up to our hips. 
 
2 28 Four Centuries After 
 
 WHEN IN DOUBT. 
 
 At about twelve o'clock, we 
 reached a place where apparently 
 our course lay across a chasm. We saw the top 
 of one solitary stone protruding from out the 
 snow at a point seeming to mark the beginning of 
 a bridge. This stone indicated one (only one) side 
 of the roadway, but which side was a question of 
 speculation. Forming as clear a notion of the lay 
 of the land as we could — encumbered and dis- 
 guised as it was with snow — we came to the con- 
 clusion that it marked the left side. We knew 
 that all doubt could be dispelled by assuming that 
 our surmise was correct and walking to the right 
 of the stone — if we remained in sight, we could 
 feel sure that the stone marked the left margin of 
 the road — but if we should sink out of sight and 
 the memory of this generation, we could feel satis- 
 fied that the stone marked the right side of the 
 roadway — cool but protracted satisfaction. 
 BUT WE MAKE A SIGHT This was a dilcmmawhlch no 
 DRAFT ON THE FLASK. Qnc Can apprcciatc until he has 
 been placed, or places himself, in the same situa- 
 tion—the situation was a highly interesting one. 
 Snow often forms for several feet beyond the 
 brink of an abyss. We knew that there was a 
 brink in the vicinity, but just where was very un- 
 certain. We decided not to turn back, as we felt 
 sure we should perish before we could regain 
 Hospenthal in the present condition of the 
 weather — here we drew on our flask for a decis- 
 ion ; then we gave the word, and the Expedition 
 advanced. 
 
Four Centuries After 229 
 
 Instead of going two or three 
 
 SOMETHING HAPPENED. , . , . , 
 
 feet to the right of the stone, as 
 we -should had we felt sure which side of the road 
 it marked, we advanced a little to the right of a 
 direct line to the stone. When almost abreast of 
 it — something happened. Many and many tons 
 of snow slid away from beneath the feet of the 
 Expedition and went with a smothered plunge 
 down, down many feet into the chasm below ! 
 
 What became of the Expedition ? 
 
 NOT PASSIVE INTEREST. 
 
 We took a lively interest in this 
 query — an interest always lends zest to an exploit. 
 At the moment we felt the mass of snow mov- 
 ing, we reached out for our objective point, the 
 stone, and hugged it as though it were of flesh and 
 blood, while our legs dangled over the sides of a 
 substantial bridge that had, presto ! come into 
 sight. Then we very carefully drew the Expedi- 
 tion back on to the bridge — carefully, so as not to 
 uproot the stone— we didn't wish to do any dam- 
 age to the pass. This experience made us feel 
 very weak and accelerated the flow of perspira- 
 tion, notwithstanding the fact that the tempera- 
 ture of the pass was far below zero, Fahrenheit. 
 From this event onward the duration of time was 
 lost sight of ; we would walk and roll until ex- 
 hausted, when we would fall over in the snow, take 
 a pull at the stimulator, and in a few moments 
 continue our mixed method of locomotion. 
 WE GET RETRospEc- At last wc camc to the fixed con- 
 TivE. viction that we were out of our 
 
 course and were in for it, and we lay in the snow, 
 
230 Four Centuries After 
 
 thinking of the many little acts of kindness we 
 had performed from childhood up, not daring to 
 review the other side of our account. We saw a 
 pretty vivid picture of home and a vacant chair 
 — a home peopled with expectant faces — a home 
 that had discarded playful jokes and had hung 
 crape on the door. Yes, in our mind we became 
 quite an artist, executing these touching little 
 scenes with startling abandon. 
 ANOTHER STRING TO As wc lay thcrc revelling in 
 
 OUR HARP. our little picture gallery, our ear 
 
 — the ear of the Expedition — seemed to catch a 
 fugitive note that did not belong to the great 
 yEolian harp of the pass. The wind, as it came 
 sweeping down the pass, striking a projecting 
 angle here and there, along the mountain-side, 
 would emit a deep amphoric note, that cannot be 
 reproduced elsewhere — a sound which once heard 
 can never be forgotten. During the last few 
 hours, our ear had become accustomed to this 
 sound — this awful music ; and, as we lay there in 
 the snow, our ear after a time detected an added 
 note — a sound that was strikingly familiar. We 
 listened intently. Yes ; it was the sharp metallic 
 note produced by the wind on telegraph wire. It 
 then occurred to us that a line v/as carried some- 
 where through the pass, reaching the hospice on 
 its way. We were, with a somewhat painful effort, 
 again on our feet, trying to shape a course to the 
 spot whence proceeded the beckoning note. We 
 had advanced but a few yards when we staggered 
 against a wall of an outbuilding of the hospice. 
 
Four Centuries After 231 
 
 "LOUD APPLAUSE What dicl wc do ? We fell 
 
 FROM THE GALLERY ! " back in tlic SHOW agalii, wcakcr 
 than ever, and personated the spanked child. In 
 a few moments we were rapping on a door of the 
 old hospice. There was a loud bark, the sound of 
 hurried feet, the rattling of a chain and bolt, the 
 door swung open, and the frightened faces of two 
 Italians and the glad bound of a noble St. Bernard 
 greeted the Mighty Discoverer. 
 
 A SAD EVENT DE- ^hc dog actcd as though 
 
 FERRED. almost crazed with joy, and the 
 
 men, who spoke not a word of our language, hur- 
 ried to make the Expedition as comfortable as lay 
 in their power. They looked and looked at us as 
 if they thought we had dropped from heaven — or 
 the phool's paradise. After a few moments' rest, 
 we took an inventory of the Expedition, and made 
 some startling discoveries ; first, we had lost all 
 but the base of an eighteen-carat gold-filled double 
 tooth — a tooth on which we had expended much 
 care and money and which we had rated as be- 
 longing to the first order — a tooth on which Simp- 
 son would have advanced several dollars. This 
 phenomenon was pretty clearly explained ; we had 
 been for many hours making a mighty muscular 
 exertion in an intensely cold and somewhat rarefied 
 air. Several times during the day we had found 
 our mouth wide open, as though set for flies. The 
 temperature of the body had reached white heat 
 — so hot that during the afternoon we saw bare 
 hands and a head from which the capote had fallen 
 — while the air that entered the open mouth and 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 struck the teeth was of an extremely low tempera- 
 ture. The effect on the grinding economy of the 
 Expedition was easily understood, if not easily re- 
 paired. We found that our face was bleeding at 
 several places where the sand-like snow had beaten 
 with a force almost equal to a sand-blast. We 
 also made the discovery that the quart flask, which 
 at 6.45 that morning was full of inspiration, or 
 budge, was entirely empty, although the cap was 
 found in situ (as the professor would say) and 
 tightly screwed down — so we were forced to believe 
 that none had escaped ; it had been used to coax 
 out the latent energies of the Expedition. This 
 was heroic treatment, indeed. The advocates of 
 temperance — who really recommend (demand) 
 total abstinence — may say what they will con- 
 demnatory of budge, we shall beg still to hold 
 that it was the means of deferring a sad, sad 
 event — that of our demise. It may be that an 
 early and violent consummation of this event 
 would serve as a sort of scarecrow to other sensa- 
 tionalists, but such a catastrophe would fall far 
 short of serving our purpose — as the frog might 
 say to the little boy who pelted him with stones. 
 ANOTHER STRIKING ^s thcy had uo accommodation 
 
 SITUATION ! ill the old hospice for guests, we 
 
 were given to understand that the Expedition 
 would have to be quartered in the new building ; 
 so at 9 P.M., with shovels and lantern, we — the 
 two men, the dog, and the Expedition — started 
 out to tunnel our way to said building, which feat 
 we accomplished after a vast deal of labor (the 
 
Four Centuries After 233 
 
 Expedition holding the lantern while the Italians 
 shovelled), and the Expedition was conducted to a 
 highly frescoed room, which apartment had never 
 been artificially heated and whose temperature 
 was now down many degrees below zero, Fahren- 
 heit — in fact, at the temperature of the pass. 
 Leaving ''a call" at eight o'clock on the follow- 
 ing morning, we retired beneath many woollen 
 blankets. The fauna didn't disturb our dreams 
 that night. Here we were, on the night of Decem- 
 ber nth and 12th, snug as a bug, alone in a bed, 
 alone in a room, alone in a very large, unheated 
 building, at an altitude of about seven thousand 
 feet above the sea. Here was another striking 
 situation. During the night we were suddenly 
 awakened by a loud report. We at once saw that 
 it wasn't a " stock report " — it sounded like the 
 discharge of cannon, and we at first thought that 
 the St. Gothard had saluted the Stars and Stripes. 
 The light of a match, however, disclosed a badly 
 shattered water bottle radiating from a perfectly 
 stiff piece of water. 
 
 XVI 
 
 OUR SOURCE OF THE On thc followlng morning, De- 
 
 RHiNE FROZEN UP ! ccmbcr 1 2th, the weather being 
 somewhat settled, we induced one of the men at 
 the hospice to escort the Expedition part way 
 down the pass, and to point out the small lake of 
 Lucendro, the so-called head-water of the Reuss, 
 a tributary to the Rhine, but which we would 
 
2 34 Four Centuries After 
 
 name the true source of the Rhine. We found it, 
 but what a disappointment ! After marching from 
 eight to nine hundred miles, to find what we were 
 to pronounce the true source of the Rhine frozen 
 perfectly solid! It was neither "flexible" nor 
 " viscid," but as solid as the walls of the pass. 
 So, virtually, this little lake is not a perennial 
 source of any river. As we saw it, not until the 
 spring-time comes, gentle Annie, and after Annie 
 has donned her thin white dress and has been 
 crowned Queen of the May, and begins to con- 
 valesce from the May-day cold — not till some 
 time along after these harrowing events, should 
 we listen for the gurgle of the water from this 
 lake of the pass. With disappointment and sorrow, 
 we turned our face toward Airolo. 
 
 ANOTHER STRIKING ^hc dcsccnt bcgins but a little 
 
 ILLUSTRATION IN " CO- Way from the hospice, and is one 
 continual abrupt descent (much 
 steeper than on the other side of the pass), carried 
 along twenty-eight sloping terraces. Near the 
 first terrace are engraved on the surface of a rock 
 the words " Suwarrow, Victor." This general 
 must have had some of the spirit of the present 
 Expedition : of the eight thousand men who com- 
 posed his army at the beginning of his campaign, 
 he returned to his country " with a miserable 
 remnant " — returned to die in disgrace of a broken 
 heart — or from " heart-failure," as the doctor 
 puts it when perplexed. This part of the road 
 is called the Val Tremola, from the alarmingly 
 steep descent. " There is nothing on any of the 
 
Four Centuries After 235 
 
 great Alpine routes more striking than the descent 
 from the top of this pass by the numerous zig- 
 zags to Airolo." Our guide didn't lead us by the 
 zigzags — the zigzags were full of snow ; so he 
 took us by a direct route — one of his own choice, 
 and much more striking, and wearing to the 
 breeches. He instructed the Expedition in the 
 art of going down the mountain-side in Laplander 
 style — that is, sliding on one's feet, supported by 
 an alpine-stock. This was very interesting and 
 somewhat expeditious. Occasionally we would 
 try coasting, without either a hand-sled or tobog- 
 gan,^ and here we conceived the advantages and 
 disadvantages of coasting without a hand-sled. 
 The advantages lie in one's not having to haul a 
 sled uphill, but this advantage may find a liberal 
 offset in the erosive action on one's breeches at 
 the point of contact with the mountain — a point 
 where one is particularly anxious to have one's 
 breeches retain their integrity. That day, as the 
 Expedition entered Airolo, it was noticed to edge 
 along — walk constrainedly — as though something 
 awful had happened. 
 
 YES, " DISTANCE LENDS Whcu he had fairly reached the 
 ENCHANTMENT." vallcy, thc suu was shining 
 warmly, and in many places the ground was en- 
 tirely bare of snow, the grass looking green and 
 promising. From this congenial clime we turned 
 and looked up the pass, where we saw, resting 
 against a dazzling white background, what ap- 
 peared like a light mist. We knew it to be a snow- 
 storm that "comes early and stays late." Things 
 
236 Four Centuries After 
 
 are not always what they seem in perspective, as 
 I have had occasion to remark before. 
 WE HAVE SHATTERED Wc arc now ovcr the backbone 
 ANOTHER " can't." of thc Alps (by so doing, have 
 demolished another " can't " or " impossibility "), 
 and are virtually in Italy, although nominally we 
 are still in Switzerland, in the Canton of Ticino, 
 one of the last acquired states of Switzerland. We 
 have now to trace a river from its source — to 
 watch the evolution of a river from a small moun- 
 tain stream to which other small streams pay 
 tribute, until it reaches the dignity in fact, as well 
 as in name, of a river — a very interesting study 
 indeed. 
 
 XVII 
 
 HE WAS GOING OUR 
 
 During the morning of our first 
 WAY. day in the valley of the Ticino, 
 
 and while sitting by the wayside examining a map, 
 a young man wearing the uniform of the German 
 Army walked by, saluted the Expedition, and said 
 in imperfect Italian (we had been studying Italian 
 for a day or so, and were highly critical) : " Buon 
 journe, sig?iore." I saw that he had the militar}^ 
 step and general bearing of a soldier, and I was 
 somewhat curious to know why he should be thus 
 tramping through a foreign country. We again 
 met him while eating our noonday lunch at Faido. 
 He came over to. where we were sitting, and, with 
 his gallant salutation, asked if I could '''' spree hen 
 sie Deutsche I gave him to understand that I 
 " parley " Columbian only, but that we had a little 
 
Four Centuries After 237 
 
 book which spoke most any language except 
 Volapiik and Low Dutch. Here I got out our 
 polyglot, and after a deal of leaf-thumbing I suc- 
 ceeded in finding out that our chance acquaintance 
 had just served his time in the German Army and 
 was on his way to Genoa, where he was to take a 
 steamer for Constantinople. As he was in no hurry 
 to reach his destination, and wished to see some- 
 thing of Italian peasant life, he thought he would 
 walk for a few days ; and he asked the Expedition 
 if it was going his way. I told our polyglot to 
 inform him that we were steering due south for 
 Milan ; thence we should trend eastward to the 
 city with the ocean in its streets. 
 
 "MUSIC HATH A Hc cvidcntly was very much 
 
 CHARM." taken with the get-up of the Ex- 
 
 pedition, and he asked if he might join us as 
 far as Milan. I consented to that arrangement ; 
 and thus it came about that we had a soldier — a 
 sort of body guard — in our party for a few days. 
 As we marched along — with a combination of 
 military step and independent lope — we took 
 everything in sight as an object lesson in the 
 study of German and Columbian. Pointing to a 
 mountain, the young German would Sdiy, "Ei/i 
 berg" — and I would reply, in my flowing tongue, 
 " A mountain " — and so on until we had run out 
 of objects ; and as our vocabulary was still too 
 limited to tackle the study of metaphysics, con- 
 versation lagged. Then I discovered that our 
 contingent was a rapt musician. He whipped out 
 some kind of a reed instrument, which he had con- 
 
238 Four Centuries After 
 
 cealed about his person, and, deftly joining its many 
 parts till it was nearly as long as our alpine-stock, 
 he began to pour forth his soul throughout the 
 whole length of the tube. He began with a mar- 
 tial air, in double-quick time, which was intended 
 to inspire a soldier to face any danger and walk 
 right through the bastion, over its pavement of 
 steel spikes, with impunity. This took us over 
 the road at a lively pace without fatigue. When 
 he had kept the Expedition at double-quick time 
 for a league or so, he skilfully fingered the thing 
 so that it produced music soft and slow. This 
 transition was brought about without adding a 
 joint to the length of his tubal cane. I was 
 astonished, and yet I was soothed — and here it 
 occurred to me that " music has charms to 
 soothe a savage breast." I had never felt the 
 full force of this statement before, and it came to 
 me like a revelation. Then our musician tripped 
 off into an air that made the Expedition prance 
 and take a sort of hop-slide step. And again, as 
 though to display his versatility, he switched off 
 into Wagnerian music. Here I picked up a stone 
 from the wayside in a menacing way, and gave 
 him to understand that the voluptuous strains of 
 the Italian opera were excruciating enough, if we 
 must have opera music. At this he drew in his horn 
 — or, more correctly speaking, he disjointed it, put 
 it in a case, and hid it away in his clothes again. 
 hark! he breaks The stillness which followed 
 
 FORTH INTO SONG ! ^^ ^^ ^iV^ thC StOpplUg Of 3 ClOCk 
 
 in the dead of night. Our contingent evidently 
 
AN AWE-FULL DUET. 
 
 Four Centuries After 239 
 
 felt hurt. We walked for some time in this 
 strained silence ; then, all of a sudden, without 
 any announcement or warning, he broke forth 
 into song — German song. His voice was strong 
 enough, but it hadn't received the training that 
 it should have had. It would seem that the Ger- 
 man Army doesn't give the voice the same degree 
 of attention that is bestowed on the step. But our 
 vocalist seemed satisfied with his voice, and after 
 a time forgot the dignified presence of the Expedi- 
 tion — he was going from home, and, pulling out the 
 tremolo, he sang of his Vaterland, and we could 
 plainly detect tears in his voice and on his cheek. 
 After a time, he struck into 
 some good old Lutheran hymns 
 — I couldn't understand their words, but the air 
 was there, although somewhat in disguise. Here 
 the young German was startled by hearing the 
 Expedition join in with its sweet, melodious voice, 
 tinged with sadness and a slight cold ! You 
 should have been there ! We were marching 
 through a narrow valley at the time, and the 
 voices of the singers were reflected from side to 
 side of their confines, until it seemed as though 
 the air was literally split into fragments of har- 
 mony. Fortunately, we were in a sparsely inhab- 
 ited section of the valley, or else we should have 
 drawn " a large and enthusiastic audience, leaving 
 standing room only." As it was, a goatee by the 
 wayside stopped his ruminating, shifted his cud 
 reflectively, pricked up his ears, and looked some- 
 what startled ! 
 
240 Four Centuries After 
 
 XVIII 
 
 OUR GERMAN IN- OuT German contingent seemed 
 
 QuisiTioN. jQ |3g jj^ constant doubt as to 
 
 whether we were on the right road or not ; and he 
 would stop every one we met, and go through a 
 formula something like this : touching his cap in 
 his military way, he would address the stranger 
 with the salutation, " Buon jour^ie, signore," and 
 then, while pointing along the road we were pur- 
 suing, would ask, '^Via Milano?" If we were on 
 the right track, the reply would be " St, si, signore " ; 
 for which information our German inquisitor 
 would offer, " Grazia, signore," and, again touching 
 his cap, we would pursue our way until we came 
 to another candidate for our German inquisition. 
 This persistent inquiry on the part of our German 
 contingent soon had a peculiar effect on his 
 bearing : he began to carry himself with an air that 
 plainly said he felt he was chief of the Expedi- 
 tion — and it dawned upon me that he had usurped 
 command ! During the first night he had, in a 
 self-imposed servile way, cleaned the mud from 
 the shoes of the Expedition ; now he was march- 
 ing at the head of the enterprise. 
 
 We all have experienced the annoyance of 
 having to hunt for some misplaced little fitting 
 of our " den," but how many have attempted to 
 recover misplaced confidence ! 
 "don't move till I saw that some decisive meas- 
 
 I GIVE THE word!" ^rc wouM have to be adopted to 
 subjugate or quell him, but what to do was not 
 
Four Centuries After 241 
 
 forthcoming. If we were in Darkest Africa, we 
 could have arranged the matter — could have 
 ".cooked his goose,'' so to speak, very effectually 
 and expeditiously. We would have had simply to 
 station him in some small town with* the instruc- 
 tions to remain there until released, and in the 
 meantime we would relieve the Expedition of his 
 officious presence. 
 
 XIX 
 
 During the afternoon of the 
 
 DIVERGING ROADS. , , . , , . , . , 
 
 second day follownig his advent, 
 and while on our way from Bellinzona to Lugano, 
 the Expedition came to two diverging roads. The 
 usurping German held that we should take the 
 road leading southeast, while our map made it 
 appear that we should take the road bearing to 
 the southwest. Rather than lose time by carrying 
 on an argument through the medium of our poly- 
 glot, we took the road to the southeast. At first 
 it carried us by a nice, deceptive gradation, up out 
 of the valley of the Ticino ; then our path became 
 tilted to an angle of less than forty-five degrees, 
 and it became apparent that we were tackling a 
 mountain. It was getting late, and high time 
 that we were in our quarters for the night ; and 
 the young German seemed perfectly confident 
 that we should soon reach a town. The former 
 chief was not so confident, not by many leagues. 
 The Expedition moved " onward and upward " — 
 often more upward than onward — but no beacon 
 light appeared ahead to cheer us on, Momen- 
 16 
 
242 Four Centuries After 
 
 tarily stopping and looking backward down into 
 the valley, over which a dark mantle had settled, 
 we could discern here and there a light flickering, 
 as though to taunt us in our dilemma. We turned 
 and continued the ascent of the mountain, up 
 whose side the darkness was rapidly creeping. 
 
 We had left the valley free 
 
 MORE X L C R. 
 
 from snow ; now we found it in 
 quantities that rendered walking very fatiguing, 
 and somewhat dangerous. But all things — but eter- 
 nity and a snarled fish-line — have an end, and late 
 that evening we saw the long-looked-for light. 
 We traced it to its source, and rapped at a door of 
 a building, the architecture of which we didn't 
 stop to criticise. We were cautiously admitted, by 
 a man in uniform, into a room whose chief feature 
 was a large fireplace, with a bright fire burning 
 therein. This room contained another man, also 
 in uniform. We soon discovered that we were the 
 guests of the Canton Forest police, and that our 
 general appearance and the time of our arrival 
 were, to say the least, suspicious. 
 
 Yet we keenly relished the 
 
 corn-cake they fed us, and then 
 we were escorted to a room on the second floor, 
 containing not a sign of a bed, but, thank good- 
 ness, it did contain a solid floor ; and, rolling him- 
 self in his mantle, the Great Explorer was soon 
 dreaming just as chastely as though he had 
 been lying on a hair mattress. We awoke early 
 on the following morning, to make the cheerful 
 discovery that we were locked in. We were fur- 
 
 IN BONDAGE. 
 
Four Centuries After 243 
 
 ther reassured to find that the only window at- 
 tempting to Hght the room was heavily barred. 
 Our hosts, or custodians, had evidently taken us 
 for a species of rara avis, and had caged us. We 
 would undeceive them by refusing to sing— we 
 wouldn't carol a note. Then we rattled around in 
 a boisterous fashion, until our jailers came up and 
 opened the door of our aviary. Here I indig- 
 nantly unfurled the Expedition's letter of intro- 
 duction from Mr. Blaine. Neither of the police 
 could read it, but they saw at once that it was 
 official, and they let us escape. 
 
 The relation of the American and German ele- 
 ment of the Expedition was awkwardly strained 
 from that time on ; the German was pensive, and 
 occasionally would sing snatches of his guttural 
 melodies in a manner well intended to make the 
 most obdurate pensive. So they moved along, 
 each wrapt in his own thoughts. 
 
 XX 
 
 IF I BUT HAD THE 
 
 I might devote much time and 
 COLORS AND THE spacc In an attempt to describe 
 
 SKILL TO APPLY 'em ! „ • iU 1 
 
 scenery we are passmg through, 
 but I don't wish to be thought selfish, so I will 
 leave something for the next artistic explorer who 
 may set out on an expedition leading through 
 these parts. Then, I feel sure that there is not 
 color enough in my ink bottle to do half justice 
 to the scenery of the Italian lakes and the homes 
 along their banks (and I am not long enough in 
 
244 Four Centuries After 
 
 "the reach" to " dip my pen in the sunset hues ") ; 
 and, again, I may have the feelings of a Tinto- 
 retto, but not his skill in applying color. I might 
 have described a mountain by saying that it was 
 " awfully grand and magnificently sublime " ;-and, 
 if I were a young woman, I might apply the same 
 epithet to the Italian lakes. I could be con- 
 tented to dream away a life on Lake Como, the 
 Italian's paradise, but I can't afford such a luxury. 
 
THE LAND OF CHEST- 
 
 PART V 
 
 At Chiasso we were overhauled 
 NUTS, MAccARONi, AND by tlic Italian customs officials. 
 ^™°- Wg had no cigars about us, and 
 
 this time our linen was as spotlessly clean as our 
 conscience — neither of which required disinfect- 
 ing. They submitted the young German to a 
 pretty thorough scrutiny, though ; being a neigh- 
 bor, he was suspected of having some wicked 
 design in view in visiting Italy — possibly thought 
 him an emissary of the German Army. At first, 
 they mistook his tubal cane for an infernal 
 machine ; so, to show the inspectors that the 
 thing was perfectly harmless and not infectious, 
 he strung it, and played " do-me-sol-do " in clear 
 gander notes, the first of which, as it put the air 
 in violent motion for a radius of several miles, 
 caused the inspectors to dodge as though they 
 thought the thing had burst. When he reached 
 the " do " in the upper register, the inspectors 
 cried, " Enough ! " — they were satisfied that the 
 thing was designed to torture, not to kill. 
 
246 Four Cejituries After 
 
 II 
 
 ONE, TWO, THREE. 
 
 The very first act of the Expe- 
 dition after leaving the hands of 
 the Italian inspectors was to purchase a quart of 
 freshly roasted chestnuts.* This, we reasoned, 
 would place us on friendly terms with the natives. 
 Just think, a quart of chestnuts ! If the reader 
 has ever been filled with the awful suspicion that 
 a wasp was working its way up his or — (no, we 
 won't say it) — up his trousers leg, he has a vague 
 notion of what apprehension is ; but he can never 
 appreciate its full significance until his " friend " 
 starts to open up an "old chestnut" in the pres- 
 ence of distinguished guests. Oh, the agony of 
 suspense, the humiliation — and the stillness that 
 follows, as though the very bottom had dropped 
 out of conversation. 
 
 Speaking of chestnuts reminds , 
 
 READY ! r 1 A • 
 
 me or the American we met at 
 Basle. He found out that the Expedition Avas an 
 American enterprise, and thus he seemed to deem 
 it his imperative duty to entertain us. He was a 
 humorous man. Now, some people are violently 
 humorous, or they are flat and commonplace — 
 they know of no intermediate ground. I am de- 
 lighted to meet these people, as, when I learn 
 their mood, I know pretty well what will fit their 
 case. This man invited me to his room, where he 
 
 * We bought the chestnuts just to make this experience 
 apropos. 
 
Four Centuries After 247 
 
 pulled out an old flat-iron and a hammer and 
 began to crack jokes. They were, one and all 
 superannuated jokes — jokes that had done good 
 service in their time, as their triturated condition 
 attested, and well deserved the rest to which the 
 benevolent world had assigned them. I saw that 
 I was in for it, so I submitted to the inevitable 
 with a grace that increased my self-esteem. I 
 was so familiar with every joke — knew so well 
 where the laugh was ordained to come in, I 
 allowed my mind to wander to other scenes until 
 the narrator was making the home-stretch, when I 
 would take a full inspiration, and, at the cue, 
 would break into a most violent paroxysm of 
 laughter. I brought in the laugh very artistically 
 to several jokes, then I began to grow heedless, 
 and finally found myself laughing at the wrong 
 end of a joke. This was awkward, but I apolo- 
 gized, saying that a new light had been thrown 
 on a previous joke. This explanation was satis- 
 factory, and when I parted with my fellow-coun- 
 tryman that evening, I wrung his hands and 
 declared that I never should forget the occasion 
 — which was literally true. I relate this incident 
 to illustrate how an artist may appear to be in 
 the second heaven of delight, while in truth he is 
 being " awfully " bored. 
 
 YES, KEENLY sENsi- Whilcwc havc thls subject in 
 
 TivE. hand, we may as well continue 
 
 our observations on joking as an art. In listening 
 
 to a joke with the anatomy of which you are 
 
 unfamiliar, it is well to have some one who is 
 
248 Four Centuries After 
 
 s 
 
 initiated at your side to nudge you at the proper 
 time. There is nothing that so disconcerts a 
 humorist as to have an auditor laugh long before 
 the hilarious climax has been reached. An anti- 
 climax is killing. A humorist is exceedingly 
 sensitive when he knows that his joke has suf- 
 fered malformation, and he is in doubt himself 
 as to whether it calls for laughter or the prompt 
 action of a vigilance committee. 
 WITH A "cracked" It rcquircs skill — a precision in 
 THUMB TO HIS MOUTH ? aiming z. blow with a hammer — 
 to crack nuts successfully, and not crack your 
 thumb with the same degree of success ; and 
 before the advent of the silver-plated nut-cracker 
 (with its cunning little nut-pick), the person who 
 could open up a butternut without yielding to 
 profanity was sure of a warm place by his neigh- 
 bor's fireside. But if it requires skill to crack a 
 hard-shelled nut without offending your thumb, it 
 wants more than skill to crack a joke and not 
 offend some one of your fellow-beings. The nut- 
 cracker aims to hit the nut, but may hit his thumb ; 
 the cracker of jokes aims to please, but he may 
 deal a neighbor a wicked thump. The nut-cracker 
 who hits his thumb is pretty sure to please his 
 audience, as there is something irresistibly funny 
 about the antics of a man with a cracked thumb, 
 which satisfies where the meat of a nut falls short. 
 Although the man who cracks a joke at the ex- 
 pense of a neighbor may elicit a patronizing laugh 
 from his audience, he is at once pronounced un- 
 gracious. I believe that the man who suffers to 
 
Foil)- Centuries After 249 
 
 make us laugh has a very large soul ; but the man 
 who causes his neighbor to suffer for our edifica- 
 tion, wants in fine feelings as well as in skill. But 
 I forget : we will never reach our destination if I 
 continue to stop by the wayside to. moralize. 
 Those Italian chestnuts have served their purpose 
 nicely — they appeased my appetite and offered a 
 very shallow excuse for this digression — any one 
 can digress, it requires no art to do so. 
 
 Ill 
 We reached Como on the even- 
 
 THE ITALIAN ARMY- 
 
 CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE, ing of December i6th, and put up 
 
 at the hotel // Falcojie. We were again in a countr)^ 
 with a standing army. The soldiers swarmed 
 about Como as though they expected the Aus- 
 trians down upon them at any moment. Our 
 German amused me with his criticism of their 
 tactics on the parade ground. Of course, many of 
 their manoeuvres were all wrong, in the eye of the 
 German ; and while we were marching from Como 
 to Milan he was constantly imitating them in what 
 he pronounced their false movements. 
 
 At Monza we visit the Duomo to see the cele- 
 brated iron crown with which twenty-four Lom- 
 bard kings have been crowned, and which was 
 used at the coronation of Napoleon as King of 
 Italy. This crown contains one of the nails of the 
 true cross, which the Empress Helena brought 
 from Palestine. Did you ever hear how the Em- 
 press determined which one of the thi^ee crosses 
 
250 Four Centuries After 
 
 she discovered was the true cross on which our 
 Saviour was slain ? We are told that " a noble 
 lady, who was at the point of death, was sent for, 
 and as soon as her body touched the third cross 
 she was immediately cured " — and thus the iden- 
 tity of the true cross was established. That was 
 simple, wasn't it ? I have several coins which 
 were struck off at the time of this " miraculous 
 invention," in commemoration of the event. They 
 show the Empress and the true cross, thus leaving 
 no doubt in the mind of the true believer of to- 
 day as to the authenticity of the invention. 
 
 At Milan we bade adieu to our 
 
 WITH ALL HIS FAULTS. „ , 
 
 young German chance acquamt- 
 ance. After all, I was sorry to see him go. His 
 unbounded faith in his ability to guide a great 
 enterprise, and his youthful enthusiasm, seemed 
 sometimes aggressive ; but when I thought of the 
 fervor with which he said his evening and morning 
 prayers and the fondness with which he leafed his 
 little Bible, I felt ashamed of my own shortcom- 
 ings — and the way he sang and chirped, whistled 
 and piped, had endeared him to me, and I felt 
 very sad and lonely when he turned his manly face 
 another way. 
 
 IV 
 
 DOES HE CALL FORALL Thc Expcdition did Milan, 
 OF THIS DISPLAY ? much aftcr the fashion of the 
 average tourist. Of course, we visited the Cathe- 
 dral, with its astounding wealth of marble, precious 
 metal, and gems. We wanted to determine, by 
 
Four Centuries After 251 
 
 actual count, the number of statues adorning this 
 great edifice — whether two thousand or two thou- 
 sand and five hundred — but our time was too 
 limited to satisfy this desire. Think of an isolated 
 pillar over ninety feet in height and twelve feet in 
 diameter ! Standing alone, it would excite wonder 
 in the observer ; but the grand proportions of this 
 building are so nicely adjusted, you would scarce 
 suspect the fifty-two supporting pillars of such 
 noble dimensions. We entered the vault of St. 
 Charles Borromeo — fee, five francs. He is can- 
 onized and loaded with precious stones. It isn't 
 his fault, however, that he is made to support this 
 dazzling display — it was all done after he was 
 dead. He devoted his life to the interests of his 
 people, and spent his large fortune in charity. If 
 he were still alive in the flesh, as in memory, he 
 doubtless would dispose of his present trappings 
 and use the proceeds for some other purpose than 
 that of personaj adornment. 
 
 THAT "certain LIT- Ouc of thc first placcs we vis- 
 TLE BOY" AGAIN. jtcd xw Milan was the refectory 
 of the Dominican Convent attached to Santa Ma- 
 ria, to see Leonardo Da Vinci's fresco, " The Last 
 Supper." Yes, it is badly battered and scarred, 
 but if the observer will stand at the proper dis- 
 tance, he will find material that will call up the 
 " Last Supper," seen hanging on the wall in many 
 a humble home. I recollect one home in par- 
 ticular, which was presided over by a certain little 
 boy's grandmother. This little boy used to spend 
 a great deal of his time at this home of his grand- 
 
252 Four Centuries After 
 
 mother — we think he had greater liberties there 
 than at home. Sometimes, when it was supposed 
 he was at his grandmother's, he was neither there 
 nor at home. On those occasions he could be 
 found — by the eye of the All-seeing, rarely by his 
 parents — down on the pond in the old swimming 
 hole, over on the rocks — he wasn't always in one 
 place, oh no ! Now, the life of this little boy's 
 grandmother was made up of (it seemed to him, at 
 the time) early rising ; breakfast, preceded by 
 saying grace ; then reading from the Bible, fol- 
 lowed by a long prayer ; spinning or knitting, 
 singing and humming old hymns till dinner, for 
 which thanks were rendered before partaking ; 
 then more humming and knitting. At tea the 
 prayer was not forgotten ; then early to bed, 
 which was invariably initiated by, " Now I lay me 
 down to sleep ! " Now, it did seem to that boy 
 as if the days at grandma's were a never-ending 
 prayer — and they were, to that dear soul (who 
 used to spread a piece of bread with butter and 
 sugar for that boy to eat between meals) — and we 
 trust that she is now reaping her reward. But 
 there are very few boys who can comprehend a 
 prayer — and those few, it is irreverently said, are 
 designed for cherubs. To their mind it is all lost 
 time — time that might be utilized in raising some 
 great weight ; and, they reason, while in the act 
 of raising this weight, the mind Would be just as 
 surely (according to their reasoning) taken from 
 the vicious temptations of man as it would were 
 they conning a prayer — and in the end, the weight 
 
Four Ce7ituries After 253 
 
 would represent so much reserve force that could 
 be used in driving some monster engine. 
 
 •So, during prayer at grandma's, this boy was 
 not as attentive to the matter in hand as he should 
 have been. He always made it a point to sit or 
 kneel so that he v/as facing a lithograph of this 
 identical " Last Supper," hanging on his grand- 
 mother's wall. This picture had almost as many 
 colors as the original — and it captivated the eye 
 of that boy ; he learned to love it for the relief it 
 afforded him — and this is the way that that boy 
 (who has become the Great Explorer) came to 
 take such an interest in Da Vinci's fresco of " The 
 Last Supper." 
 
 V 
 
 A RIGHT ANGLE IN OUR 
 
 Leaving Milan by the Porta 
 LINE OF MARCH. Veiieziu, the Expedition shaped 
 its course due east, with the Adriatic as its objec- 
 tive. Although the many kinks in our line of 
 march from Amsterdam to Milan have caused the 
 Expedition to travel often in a direction that 
 carried us toward our starting point, our general 
 course has been pretty nearly due south, until to- 
 day, when we throw a coil of our line of march 
 around Milan, and turn our back on the West, 
 and look expectantly toward the Orient. 
 
 Our path lies through the most 
 
 EASIER TO RAISE CAN- , . 
 
 ADA THISTLES THAN productivc gardcu of Europe, 
 TO "RAISE-' A called the "Wet Milanese," from 
 
 MORTGAGE. . , , , , . , . 
 
 Its elaborate system of dramage, 
 said to be the most perfect system in Europe. 
 
254 Four Centuries After 
 
 This soil produces five crops yearly. When I 
 think of the soil in which I grew and made mud 
 pies — soil that couldn't be relied upon to produce 
 one decent annual crop, I begin to suspect that it 
 isn't from choice — an exercise of pesthetic tastes, 
 that induces the farmers up our way to adorn their 
 farms with a mortgage instead of neat farm build- 
 ings. I will venture to predict that the time is 
 coming when our farmers will have to depend on 
 a well-directed effort made over less territory for 
 a return from the soil, rather than stumbling along 
 over much territory with an abiding faith in Prov- 
 idence — which may send the seven-year locust, 
 the potato-bug, the Canada thistle, a drought or a 
 flood, instead of the horn of plenty. But if the 
 European farmer has reduced farming to a science 
 — has brought the soil to a high state of produc- 
 tiveness, he has something to learn of the farmers 
 up our way in the art of landscape em.bellishing — 
 in arranging farm implements about the fields 
 effectively ; a mowing machine here, a hay-rack 
 there, a plough disposed of as though every farmer 
 were emulating patriotic Putnam ; and wagons, 
 heavy and light, placed about the barn-yard in 
 varying stages of decadence. Without a doubt, 
 our farmer (may the ravens hover over him) is in 
 some respects highly artistic in his tastes — a sort 
 of passive virtue, however. Would our farmer 
 ever think to neatly blanket his cattle when turn- 
 ing them out to pasturage on a damp, cold day ? 
 No ! It wouldn't pay our farmer — in fact, he hasn't 
 time ; he has got to go to town to see the man 
 
Four Centuries After 255 
 
 who accepts the interest on the mortgage, and to 
 expectorate about the village store. To sum up, 
 our farmer is a paradox, or a mixture of contra- 
 dictions — he has time, yet he hasn't time ; he 
 wants money, yet he doesn't want money — judg- 
 ing his negative efforts to get it. 
 
 HOW DOES MAN " But," you Say, " what has all 
 
 REASON? this to do with art?" You are 
 
 right — I am out of my true sphere ; art is my forte, 
 and I'll trip right back in a moment. The mul- 
 berry tree, so plentiful throughout this plain, 
 speaks of cheap labor, as it is said that silk can- 
 not be produced in a country where labor receives 
 a liberal recompense. I feel a pessimistic twinge 
 when I consider that silk, an article used simply 
 for adornment, is had at such a price to the unfor- 
 tunates of our fellow-beings. And the little toiling 
 and spinning silk-worm, what does he receive for 
 his labor? After he has industriously wound his 
 little cocoon of from three thousand to four thou- 
 sand yards of silk thread, man (the superior ani- 
 mal) comes along and robs the industrious little 
 fellow of both his life and his silk. Is not this the 
 acme of ungratefulness ? What a reward for mer- 
 itorious work ! What a travesty on justice ! But 
 man (who reasons by tradition, or accepts a thing 
 as being right because he found it so when he 
 came on earth) does not seem to think for a mo- 
 ment that he may be doing the silk-worm an out- 
 rageous injustice. 
 
 The gourmet may take just as much pride in 
 knowing the various grades of cheese as he does 
 
256 Four Centuries After 
 
 in telling a choice brand of wine ; I am now 
 watching the growth of Parmesan and Stracchino 
 cheeses. We are eating these cheeses on their 
 native soil. The Italian never fails to serve a lit- 
 tle platter of grated Parmesan cheese with our 
 plate of soup. The ever-present Italian soup — the 
 soup we get in small towns— is constructed of 
 water from the River Po — the " river that rolls by 
 the ancient walls where dwells the lady of my love " 
 — (or some other classical stream) and Parmesan 
 cheese. This, I believe, is the running formula 
 for the staple Italian soup of the laboring or loaf- 
 ing class. This soup may not be very invigorat- 
 ing, but it is strong — the cheese insures that 
 quality. 
 
 VI 
 The roads are not in quite as 
 
 TO "illustrate." . 
 
 good condition for travelling out 
 of Milan as those we have been perambulating 
 through. Recent rains may account for this, in a 
 measure. During the cloudless nights they freeze, 
 but as soon as the sun gets his rays to bear on 
 them at an obtuse angle, the frost comes out and 
 leaves in its stead a surface something like that 
 produced by soft soap on the ways of a ship-yard. 
 Progress of a pedestrian over such a surface is 
 deceptive ; and we have to sight across stationary 
 objects by the roadside to determine whether our 
 change of place is in the desired direction or not. 
 To illustrate : The Expedition raises one foot 
 from the ground, momentarily poising the weight 
 
Four Centuries After 257 
 
 of the Expedition (with its whole outfit, weight of 
 care, etc.) on its other foot ; then, by a nicely 
 directed effort, the body of the Expedition is car- 
 ried forward of the centre of gravity to a point 
 where it is caught and supported by the projected 
 foot. Now, if the foot on which the body of the 
 Expedition was momentarily poised had remained 
 stationary until the projected foot had received 
 the weight of said Expedition, the result would 
 have been a change of place forward. Alas ! it 
 was rare that such was the inspiring reward of 
 aforesaid effort. Just at the moment when the 
 body of the Expedition was being carried forward 
 of the centre of gravity, the foot on which the 
 weight of the Expedition rested took an insidious, 
 gliding movement backward in the direction of 
 Milan. So, when the road reached this " viscid " 
 condition, the Expedition had to appeal to its imag- 
 ination, or its pedometer, for evidence that it had 
 progressed forward. And thus, in a sort of merry- 
 go-round way, we would glide about the highway 
 till evening, when we would take out our pedome- 
 ter and cipher out the number of miles this little 
 myopic reasoner told us we had covered during 
 the day. A pedometer, like some people, has (or 
 exercises) but one idea ; its only care in life is to 
 keep tally of the number of steps we take, making 
 little allowance for recoil or backward movement. 
 What do you suppose a pedometer would say of a 
 man who had walked a treadmill all day ? It 
 would tell just the number of steps the wearer 
 had taken, but would not add, as strict truthful- 
 17 
 
258 Four Centuries After 
 
 ness ought, that not one of all these steps had 
 carried the deluded being beyond the starting- 
 point. 
 
 While the roads are greasy, they are not at all 
 cut up as roads up our way would be at this season 
 of the year, or a little earlier. 
 
 FOR LENGTH, IT Right here, I'm going to make 
 
 BREAKS THE RECORD, ^y^at at first may seem to the 
 uninitiated reader like another wanton digression, 
 but I am confident that a few will at once appre- 
 ciate the consummate skill of the author, in placing 
 everything in this delicate mosaic where it will 
 be the most effective. I have intimated that some 
 people are constantly lugging in a subject apropos 
 of nothing — exploiting the most unexpected topic 
 on the least appropriate occasion. We all know 
 (we who have dined out) that the success of a 
 repartee depends not so much on what we say as 
 when we say it — that if we wait till the next day 
 to rejoin a sally, the effect (in these days of rapid 
 transit) may not be electrical. Likewise, in build- 
 ing a book like this, topics should be skilfully led 
 up to — should be timely — not introduced abruptly. 
 Now, I am going to talk about roads, and I am 
 sure that my artist friend will at once see my 
 apropos of this subject, and appreciate the grand- 
 eur of its length — I have tramped nearly across a 
 continent to lead up to a talk on roads. What 
 a grand apropos ! What art ! 
 
 I will own right here that I haven't thumbed 
 statistics to gather my data (I believe that is what 
 the professor calls them), but have picked them up 
 
THE EUROPEAN 
 CARRIAGEWAY. 
 
 Four Centuries After 259 
 
 by the wayside — along my apropos. Furthermore, 
 I am not sure that I shall employ the phraseology 
 used by science, in referring to the various features 
 of a public roadway. However, should I make my- 
 self too clearly understood, attribute the fault to 
 habit rather than to intention. Anticipating the 
 worst, as. usual, I will add that I am not a candi- 
 date for Road Commissioner ; I appreciate the 
 alleged honor you would pay me, but must decline 
 acceptance — I see more mud than honor. Still, 
 I am perfectly willing to "teach the twenty " how 
 the thing should be done. 
 
 The Expedition has scrutinized 
 European roads pretty closely. 
 We found such precaution quite necessary, to 
 avoid going afield. But, besides the care neces- 
 sary in selecting our path, I have made a close 
 study of European road-construction and system 
 of keeping them in repair ; and now I can under- 
 stand the assertion that, while the American rail- 
 road system is the best in the world, European 
 carriageways are far superior to those in America. 
 Think of walking across a continent and not 
 finding a stone in the road throughout the route 
 large enough to throw at a sparrow ! These con- 
 ditions, of course, inspire the birds with a degree 
 of confidence that permits the boy to sprinkle 
 salt on their tails — if he can get close enough — 
 and thus does away with the necessity of loose 
 stones in the road for the accommodation of the 
 boy. / 
 
 In constructing the European roads, the first 
 
26o Four Centuries After 
 
 care is the choice of a foundation. In low places, 
 where the soil is yielding and difficult to drain, 
 the old Roman method of removing all loose soil 
 until a solid foundation is reached, and then laying 
 a stone foundation to a height above the surface 
 soil, is sometimes adopted ; but where the surface 
 soil is easily drained, the roadbed is made thereon, 
 as it is found that surface soil will sustain a road- 
 bed sufficiently stable for ordinary wear, if the 
 soil serving as a foundation be kept dry — which 
 result can be obtained by efficient drainage, and 
 a roadbed that is impervious to water. Are you 
 following me, Hank ? Am I sufficiently obscure, or' 
 is there too much skylight ? 
 
 The European road is of ample width, rarely 
 less than sixteen feet ; it is made crowning or con- 
 vex, so that water will at once drain off into the 
 shallow gutters or waterways along the margin of 
 the roadbed, instead of leeching through the road- 
 bed into the foundation. The road is bordered on 
 either side by a ribbon of greensward, in which 
 trees are grown. If these trees be young, the 
 drainage from the road is conducted by a little 
 gutter to and around the roots of each tree, and 
 then out and down into the foundation drainage 
 or ditch. These trees may serve not alone as an 
 agreeable shade, but their roots, reaching down 
 into an unstable soil, bind and help keep it in 
 place. The European road once made, it is kept 
 in constant repair. During every day of the year 
 the eye of a practical road-builder scans every 
 inch of the road, in search of places that show a 
 
Four Centuries After 261 
 
 weakness in the roadbed, or a tendency to wear 
 into hollow places, where water would pool, grad- 
 ually soak into the roadbed, and thus cause serious 
 damage, not alone to the roadbed but to the foun- 
 dation. Neat stone piles may be seen at intervals 
 along the roadside for immediate use in repairing. 
 No matter how far you may be from a town, you 
 find that the road is swept regularly. The detritus 
 and other accumulations of a public road are a 
 danger to the road, as they prevent water from 
 thoroughly draining off ; and in Europe the 
 sweepings of a public road are valued as a fer- 
 tilizer. I notice that immediately after a soaking 
 rain (or during the rain, if protracted) a gang of 
 men, provided with broad hoes and one-horse 
 carts, come along and clean off all surface 
 "grease" that the rain has made, thus doing 
 away with mud and its weakening effect on the 
 road's stability. In Europe the drayman is not 
 allowed to haul a heavy load on any style of 
 wheels he may see fit to select. He is advised to 
 use a wheel of large diameter, and is compelled to 
 use a broad tire, the width of which is determined 
 by the weight of the load he is to haul ; and in- 
 stead of cutting a road, the effect of the wheels 
 of a heavy-laden cart is something like that of 
 the roller used in levelling the road's surface. 
 
 In Europe, the man who has charge of the road's 
 construction is supposed to know more than a 
 " little bit " about the making of a road — indeed, 
 he is supposed to know it all, which is not danger- 
 ous ; and he is paid for making a road, not for 
 
ROADS UP OUR WAY. 
 
 262 Four Centuries After 
 
 getting in his time, and keeping the time of others 
 who work under him to get in their time. 
 
 We have seen the country car- 
 riageway of Europe ; now we 
 reluctantly come back to America. When the 
 railway is not at our service, how do we get from 
 town to town, up our way ? Do we fly ? Alas ! 
 we cannot fly ! Do we swim ? Not exactly ; we 
 submit to a compromise between swimming and 
 flying ; and at certain seasons of the year it is not 
 safe to say which of these two methods of locomo- 
 tion we nearer approach. It is alleged that we, 
 too, like the Europeans, have carriageways ; at 
 first, we try to prove an alibi, but it is found that 
 we were there all the time, though somewhat dis- 
 guised with mud. Now the allegation is usually 
 accepted, though it is tacitly understood that our 
 claim to roads is a miserable subterfuge. 
 HOW WE " CONSTRUCT " How do wc makc roads up our 
 OUR ROADS. -way ? The formula is very simple. 
 
 Those having our road-construction in hand would 
 not attempt to work after an abstruse formula. 
 Our road-maker is usually a farmer, who may or 
 may not know the first principles of farming, but 
 couldn't recognize a road if he saw one. Does he 
 build our road as the Roman did his, by remov- 
 ing the loose earth to get a foundation, then 
 carrying the foundation up with a material that 
 will not only serve its original purpose but will be 
 an everlasting monument to its builder ? Well, 
 not exactly. Our road-builder tries to reverse 
 this order of proceedings. Instead of removing 
 
Four Centuries After 263 
 
 the loose earth to get a foundation, he heaps more 
 loose soil into the projected roadway, on which he 
 makes his roadbed ; and then, at his leisure, he 
 proceeds to hammer the foundation through it and 
 down to where it belongs — or thereabouts. It isn't 
 easy to ascertain just where his foundation finds 
 lodgement, as the mud is sometimes a little opaque. 
 AGAIN, " THAT RE- How do wc Icccp thc roads in 
 
 MINDS me!" repair up our way? Now I am 
 
 pleased. The question opens up a most delight- 
 ful vista to me. I " dearly love " to contemplate 
 road-work on our country roads — there is so much 
 about it that resembles play. Between spring 
 ploughing and haying-time is the favorite time for 
 the " old school " of road-workers — the old masters 
 — to get in their time. At that season of the year 
 when the air is balmy — before the roads are dusty 
 — when the little bird can be seen flying about 
 with straws and odd ends of this and that with 
 which to repair last year's nests— at that season of 
 the year when to stay within doors is the height 
 of exasperation and to go afield is to follow an 
 irresistible instinct : this is the season of the year, 
 my European friend, when we repair our roads. 
 Of course, it is at a time of year when we are not 
 in much need of a road, as we can drive almost any- 
 where ; but, you see, it is not alone on account of 
 the pleasant weather that this season of the year 
 is chosen — we must get in our time when the roads 
 come to the surface, very much after the rule rec- 
 ommended in shooting a loon—" Shoot when he 
 comes to the surface." 
 
264 Four Centuries After 
 
 "a SCHOOL FOR THc placewhei'e the old school 
 
 SCANDAL." of road-workers are fond of wear- 
 
 ing out their poll-tax, is there where the road 
 receives the shade of a wayside tree ; there the 
 road is worked for all it is worth. Yes, I see such 
 a spot now ; it is marked by a pile of stone, around 
 which five of the old school are ranged, sitting on 
 old boxes or three-legged stools. Each is pro- 
 vided with a very light-weight long-handle stone 
 hammer, with which they are successively annihi- 
 lating time, and making feeble efforts at reducing 
 the size of the stones before them. As I approach 
 from a distance, I observe that the movements of 
 the hammers are growing spasmodic — they are 
 slowly raised at irregular intervals, and then 
 allowed to drop back on the objective stone. 
 When I get near enough to catch snatches of a 
 conversation, I find that Urial has the party almost 
 paralyzed with a bit of scandal, the characters 
 figuring therein being in graves over which grass 
 has long since grown. 
 
 " He was seen to come out of the back way 
 — no, Smith had gone to town, and returned 
 unexpectedly " 
 
 Here two of the hammers remain poised in the 
 air, three rest on the stone pile, while the four now 
 thoroughly paralyzed listeners stare expectantly 
 at the speaker. Uncle Sam's highway is for- 
 gotten, and the road-work at this point has mo- 
 mentarily come to a complete standstill. The 
 climax having been reached and safely passed, 
 the hammers are again put in motion, while the 
 
Four Centuries After 265 
 
 sound of their blows can be just heard above the 
 chorus of immoderate laughter which follows 
 Urral's airing of a fragment of forgotten past. 
 , What a iolly good time these 
 
 LET S SEE ; HOW DID •* JO 
 
 YOU SAY MAN REA- old boys arc having, anyhow ! 
 ^°'^^' How the occasion does carry 
 
 them back to a time when this section was a 
 howling wilderness — before the morning paper 
 came into vogue, and when they had to rely on 
 local gossip alone. And now they are gossiping 
 again ! These old boys have never outgrown 
 their curiosity — have never ceased wondering at 
 man's frailties. They can't understand that man 
 is doubtless very much as he always has been, 
 and always will be. They don't mean to be 
 unkind — and this morning in particular they har- 
 bor no man ill-will, but they persist in gossiping ; 
 and if I were to ask them which would be worst 
 in its effect on the community, for one of their 
 neighbors to go astray or for half a dozen to sit 
 about airing their neighbor's misfortune, they 
 would be very much surprised at my temerity in 
 asking such a question. They understand that- 
 God forgives, but they — they gossip. 
 
 The simple inconsistencies of these old boys are 
 just as marked when I succeed in getting them to 
 gossiping about roads — and, now that they are in 
 good humor, I approach them, and, placing my 
 hand on Urial's shoulder (he being the spokes- 
 man of the little coterie), I abruptly insert a new 
 topic. 
 
 " Urial, we know you are always ready and 
 
266 Four Centuries After 
 
 willing to solve social problems, now why can't 
 you help us see the need of roads — real roads, 
 instead of a series of fenced-in lines of quagmire ?" 
 DID YOU EVER FIGURE I have approachcd him at the 
 °^"^ right time, and in a playful way 
 
 that wins his attention at once, so I proceed : 
 " Did you ever consider what a perfectly smooth 
 road, of easy gradation, would be to us farmers ? 
 [I am a farmer for the moment] — how it would 
 bring us nearer the markets ? — that to be on the 
 road would then be a pleasure instead of a school 
 for profanity ? Did you ever think that with such 
 roads our wagons and harnesses would last a life- 
 time of ordinary usage, and that the valuation of 
 our farms would advance — in a word, that such 
 roads would easily pay for themselves — for the 
 cost of building and maintenance? When a road 
 is properly built, it costs less to keep it in repair 
 than the estimated cost of our present pretence at 
 repairing." 
 
 Without stopping for a reply, I continue : 
 " Did you ever figure what it costs us to keep a 
 wagon in repair on such roads as these ? Have 
 you considered the terrible strain on wagon and 
 harness (not to mention the horses and driver) in 
 passing over a road cut up as this is — where at 
 one moment one wheel may be nearly to the hub 
 in a mixture of mud and stone, while the others 
 are trying to surmount stone near the surface, the 
 next moment the relative level of the wheels being 
 reversed ? Of course, you haven't considered the 
 damage to merchandise hauled over our roads, 
 
Four Centuries After 267 
 
 but you do know, though, that you have to carry 
 eggs in your hand when you take them to market, 
 unless you wish them poached on the way. Now, 
 Urial, I have an errand up the road a bit, but 
 shall be back in the course of an hour or so. In 
 the meantime, I want you to canvass the part)^ 
 around this stone pile and report to me what you 
 will do toward agitating the question of real 
 roads." Without saying more, I abruptly turn 
 and walk briskly away. 
 " you can't TEACH In thc course of two hours I 
 
 AN OLD DOG." agalu approach this interesting 
 group, but this time I come upon them from across 
 the fields and take them unawares. Urial is again 
 addressing them, and with animation that prom- 
 ises happy results. Still unobserved, I come near 
 enough to catch the drift of the speaker : 
 
 " She ? She ought to have been turned out of 
 the church at the time ! No longer ago than last 
 Sunday evening, as I was coming home from 
 church, I saw her and " 
 
 Here I walk away without making my presence 
 known to the dear old boys, who, during my ab- 
 sence, have slipped back into gossiping with about 
 the same facility that a duck takes to water — and 
 right here I must slip back into the road leading 
 from Milan to Venice. 
 
 VII 
 I have been gone so long I 
 
 AN "ear MARK." 11 ,- 1 1 T-, ,• • , 
 
 can hardly find the Expedition s 
 characteristic footprints. Wise Providence has 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 shaped one of my feet almost after the flat style — 
 indeed, the arch of the right foot makes a pretty 
 well-defined hole in the ground ; this slight depart- 
 ure from the approved style has been mistaken 
 for evidence of genius — and they predicted that 
 I was destined to write Don Juanish poetry. Some 
 people will grasp at a straw even when in but a 
 few inches of water. 
 
 From Milan to Treviglia our 
 
 "AMERICANO ! " 
 
 course lay alongside a tramway, 
 and after the tram-car had several times checked 
 its speed as it approached the Expedition, with 
 the expectation of taking the enterprise aboard, 
 the conductors began to appreciate our indepen- 
 dence of steam, and as they passed by, a lusty cheer 
 would go up — " Americano ! '' We have no means 
 of knowing how they discovered our nationality. 
 
 VIII 
 
 HAVE I BEEN TO CON- A Sunday evening found us in 
 FEssioN ? Desenzano, a smalltown on the 
 
 southern shore of the beautiful Lago di Garda. 
 The ringing of church bells awakened a desire to 
 attend divine services — which, with an apology, I 
 recorded in our log as a phenomenon. It was about 
 the hour of the day when up our way they ring 
 bells to call the sincere worshippers (and the 
 young people who sit and giggle on the back 
 seats) to evening services ; and in my ignorance 
 of the methods of the Latin Church, I took it for 
 granted that the bell ringing in this little Lombard 
 
Four Centuries After 269 
 
 town had the same significance that it had at 
 home. I attempted to convey to our hostess 
 (through the kind, but uncertain, office of our 
 polyglot) my desire to attend divine services. It 
 was some time before I could make her under- 
 stand just what I was in quest of ; but in time she 
 seemed to comprehend, when she sent me out in 
 charge of a bright young Italian, who conducted 
 me about the town, through streets that could not 
 have been darker during the Mediaeval Ages, until 
 he stopped in front of a building which had some 
 of the appearance of a private dwelling but bore 
 no resemblance to a church or cathedral. He 
 played a brief tattoo with the door-knocker, to 
 which a Sisterly-dressed woman responded. After 
 a moment's conversation, she turned and con- 
 ducted us up a stairway, to our first right, through 
 a long, dimly lighted vestibule, and into a capa- 
 cious hall, where she motioned us to seats. While 
 awaiting further developments, I stealthily took a 
 survey of the surroundings. The most conspicu- 
 ous piece of furniture in the room (and that was 
 very much so) was a table, spread with linen, 
 spotlessly white, on which were arranged several 
 plates ; and by the right side of each plate stood 
 a quart bottle, bearing a rather conspicuous label, 
 telling of the vintage, etc. — and I asked myself, 
 " Is this ordinary divine services, or a love feast ? " 
 At this moment a man, past middle age, entered 
 and crossed the room to where I was sitting. He 
 wore the sombre dress of a Catholic priest, and — 
 if he were a woman, I should have said — a 
 
270 Four Centuries After 
 
 sweetly smiling face. His hands were clasped in 
 front of him, but as he came near me he extended 
 the right hand (a white, plump hand, as soft and 
 yielding as a woman's) — and we clasped hands. 
 Here was another striking situation. Two persons 
 standing holding each other's hand, but unable to 
 carry on a word of conversation. We both made 
 some appropriate observation in our respective 
 tongues — observations that struck the objective 
 ear but conveyed no meaning to the understand- 
 ing. 
 
 While we stood thus, mutually perplexed, six 
 men, dressed in a garb identical with that worn by 
 my silent vis-a-vis, filed into the room. Their 
 full round faces also wore gracious smiles. The 
 one holding my hand bowed apologetically — as 
 though he would ask to be excused a moment — 
 and turned beseechingly and addressed his brother 
 clergymen. They, one and all, looked disap- 
 pointed — as though they were very sorry, but 
 couldn't help it. So far as I was concerned, here 
 was another Tower of Babel. Just at this moment 
 I thought of our polyglot, and, with a feeling of 
 reassurance, I reached into a pocket of my coat — 
 a pocket constructed just to contain it — and, lo ! it 
 was not in place. Our interpreter had deserted. 
 While still in my re-perplexed 
 
 THE SPIRIT OF DEVO- •' '■ '- 
 
 TioN GOES uNSATis- conditiou of mind, I was ap- 
 
 FiED. preached by the seven priestly 
 
 gentlemen, the one who first greeted me taking 
 
 the lead. He stepped forward, and taking my 
 
 hand, carried it to his lips, and then placed it in 
 
Four Centuries After 271 
 
 the hand of the priest at his side — and so the 
 hand was passed around until the seven priests 
 had grasped it and carried it to their lips. This 
 procedure was a very pretty sentiment in lieu of 
 words, of the exact significance of which I am 
 still in doubt. After this ceremony had been gone 
 through, the man who first came into the room con- 
 ducted me to the door and — no, he didn't kick me — 
 but, in every way save words, expressed his regrets 
 that we were so sadly in need of a medium of 
 communication — and then bade me an affectionate 
 good-evening in correct Italian. 
 
 Now, when I come to think the 
 
 WHAT IS VIRTUE ? 
 
 matter over, I strongly suspect 
 that I have been to confession. Doubtless my 
 hostess failed to fully understand my require- 
 ments as I attempted to express them ; but, look- 
 ing me over, came to the conclusion that I had 
 committed some mild outrage which I wished to 
 confess in the ear of a priest. What a painful 
 mistake on her part ! And here again I see the 
 beneficent wisdom that declares virtue to be its 
 own reward. I passed years of reflection before 
 I could see how virtue could be its own reward. 
 It used to remind me of the true story of the 
 famishing snake — getting desperately hungry, it 
 turned, and, beginning at the tail end, swallowed 
 itself whole, and thereby appeased its appetite. I 
 used to go about with my head bowed to a reflect- 
 ive angle, saying to myself : " Virtue is its own 
 reward — that is, virtue is its own reward — or, con- 
 versely, its own reward is virtue — what is virtue ? 
 
272 Foiir Centuries After 
 
 Virtue is its own re ! " Here I would run 
 
 against something whose inherent virtue was re- 
 sistance — a resistance that would knock the con- 
 templation out of me, for the time being, at 
 least. I couldn't see how, according to the 
 science of bookkeeping, we were to open an ac- 
 count with virtue — or, rather, how, when once 
 opened, we were again to close the account. It's 
 strange how perplexing these little " truths " are 
 when you once disturb their equilibrium. Of 
 course (somewhat like the little game, "Heads, 
 you take crow, and I take turkey ; tails, I take 
 turkey, you take crow "), it's all plain after due, 
 uninterrupted reflection. 
 
 IX 
 
 A VIOLENT BURST OF From Dcscnzano to Peschiera 
 PATRIOTISM. Q^j. course lay along near the shore 
 
 of the lake ; and we would occasionally go down to 
 the beach, where we would sit and explore the 
 many-colored pebbles and shells with which it was 
 strewn. I should like to have dilly-dallied about 
 that beach for a long time ; it was so clean, and the 
 swell rolled in with such a lazy, musical sound, full 
 of dreams and delicious indolence, and the Italian 
 sun shone down so benignly. The strong fortifi- 
 cations of Peschiera call to mind the fact that we 
 are near the Austrian frontier and on the battle- 
 ground where the Italians threw off the Austrian 
 yoke. But the proximity of the Austrian frontier 
 was more forcibly called to mind while marching 
 
Four Centuries After 273 
 
 through the town. As we came along, with head 
 erect and martial tread, as though on dress parade, 
 a group of cadets whom we were passing sang out, 
 in a chaffing voice : " Bin, zwei, drei — ein, zwei, 
 drei" \ which our knowledge of German told us 
 was the '' one, two, three," used in drilling the 
 step. This was as much as to accuse us of being 
 a hated Austrian soldier. As we came abreast of 
 the group the Expedition halted, came right about 
 face, and, saluting the young Italians, we responded 
 as of one voice, '''' E pluribus unum " (how our Latin 
 ever came to us without referring to our spelling- 
 book we can't tell, unless the occasion was an 
 inspiration). " The effect was electrical," as our 
 correspondent, or reporter, would put it. The cry 
 went up, along with their caps, "Americano / " The 
 Expedition bowed acknowledgment, and passed on. 
 
 X 
 
 THE GREAT EXPLORER 
 
 It was nearly evening when we 
 ENCOUNTERS A apprchcnsi vcly approached the 
 ROMEO. gates of Verona, another fortified 
 
 city of the first order — Verona, of which Ruskin 
 has said : " If I were asked to lay my finger, in a 
 map of the world, on the spot of the earth's sur- 
 face which contains at this moment the most singu- 
 lar concentration of art-treasuring and art-treas- 
 ures, I should lay it on the name of the town of 
 Verona." This and much more was brought to mind 
 as we marched through the streets of this clas- 
 sical city on the way to our hotel. 
 
2 74 Four Centuries After 
 
 Thinking to try exploration after dark, the 
 great and intrepid Discoverer sallied forth from our 
 hotel and pushed his footsteps about town. He 
 had proceeded but a short distance when he was 
 accosted by a veritable Romeo, dress and bearing 
 identical with the article seen on the stage — the 
 broad-brimmed soft hat trimmed with a nodding 
 plume, the gay mantle — in a word, the get-up was 
 perfect — I should have recognized him had I met 
 him in Timbucto. This is the style of men who 
 watch over Verona — -the town is full of 'em. This 
 one hurried forward and asked the Great Explorer 
 for his ca7-te de visite. The Expedition carries a 
 card-case filled with a gentleman's calling cards of 
 correct style, bearing the name of the chief of the 
 Expedition, and " U. S. A." very conspicuously 
 written beneath in official script. These initials 
 stand for the United States of America, or the so- 
 called army of those States. The city guard, see- 
 ing that he had an American instead of an Austrian, 
 said, " Avaunt thee ! " At which our Explorer 
 avaunted in his most stagey manner. 
 
 Later in the evening, while trav- 
 
 HE IS URGED TO COM- °' 
 
 PROMISE HIS GOOD crslug a strcct somewhere in Ve- 
 NAME, ETC. rona, a voice from a second-story 
 
 window sighed, or seemed to sigh, " Ah me ! " 
 Looking in the direction whence came the sigh, 
 our classical student saw, reclining, framed in the 
 window-case, a wayward Juliet ; and he observed : 
 
 . . ? 
 
 Juliet : ! 
 
 RoiMEO : ! 
 
Four Centuries After 275 
 
 Juliet : ? 
 
 Romeo : I'll report your conduct 
 
 to -a certain society I know of 
 
 ! 
 
 \Exeunt\ 
 
 AT THE TOMB OK Wc fouucl tlic rulncd tomb of 
 
 JULIET. Juliet in the old cloister of the 
 
 Franciscan Convent, We dropped our visiting 
 card with the many others found in a basket, hung 
 on the wall for that purpose, and a tear on the 
 grave of her who was faithful to the instincts of 
 love — and now we have yet to visit Mantua to pay 
 our tribute to Romeo. From the tomb of Juliet, 
 we visited a few of the old churches ; then we 
 climbed about the amphitheatre, and gratified our 
 vandalish propensities by carrying away a frag- 
 ment of the facing stone of this solid piece of 
 masonry. The pilasters and decorations of the 
 small piece of facing which remains, show a re- 
 markable degree of preservation at the end of 
 upward of eighteen centuries of exposure. It 
 would be well for the pie-builders of New York to 
 examine the lasting material of these pilasters. 
 We are a little uncertain, but think that they 
 might glean a few points in the method of con- 
 structing pies for durability. This suggestion is 
 offered gratuitously, without malicious forethought 
 or wicked intent, and ma)^ be declined without 
 comment. 
 
 But we spent the greater part of the day in the 
 Museo Lapidario, during which time the following 
 
276 Four Centuries After 
 
 thoughts on art, and the conspicuous place the fig- 
 leaf occupies therein, passed through my mind. 
 
 XI 
 
 THE FIG-LEAF IN 
 
 The fig-leaf plays an important 
 (OR ON) ART. pj^j-t in European art. Its im- 
 
 portance in this respect is of comparatively recent 
 discovery. During many centuries, art saw fit to 
 bestow on marble the divine form of man — to-day 
 the fig-leaf is the most conspicuous feature in art. 
 It used to be a pleasant study to watch the little 
 fig-leaf put forth alongside the fruit — so curious 
 that fruit, without preliminary blossom, and leaf 
 should come out side by side at the same time. 
 Now the mere thought of a fig-leaf causes a 
 shiver ; and I hear of a young lady who refuses 
 to eat or touch a conserved fig, on account of the 
 doubtful office assigned to the fig-leaf. 
 
 There may be something in this growing uni- 
 versal use of the fig-leaf. Let us see. If you 
 pick up the morning paper and slyly cut out an 
 innocent advertisement, every member of your 
 household will at once become curious as to the 
 contents of the clipping, although they may have 
 passed this same advertisement by, morning after 
 morning, without its having arrested their atten- 
 tion. They at once assume that the article was 
 of more than ordinary importance — a poem, or a 
 bit of scandal ; and, like the sealed letter that has 
 been intrusted to their care for delivery to a third 
 party, it excites their curiosity— they want to 
 know what's in it. 
 
Four Centuries After 277 
 
 COLD MARBLE, NOT Is a piccc of coM mErblc, fash- 
 
 THE FLESH-TINTS ioiied aftei' a Venus or an Apollo, 
 
 OF THE CANVAS. . , , i . 1 i ■ 
 
 more picturesque when clothed in 
 one solitary fig-leaf than it would be had it been 
 left just as it came from the artist's chisel ? Or 
 does the leaf have the same enhancing effect as 
 the four-sided hole in the morning paper, marking 
 the absence of the simple advertisement ? 
 
 The ordinary mortal at once observes the fig- 
 leaf ; he appreciates the fact that it was a recent 
 addition, and reasons that, from an artistic stand- 
 point, it could not have been intended for drapery. 
 He then infers that the leaf is not the work of an 
 artist, but was put there by — possibly — the janitor, 
 to conceal a part of the artist's handiwork. It is 
 an inartistic innovation, and to a lover of the 
 beautiful — to one of a clean mind, its effect on a 
 piece of statuary is like that of a false note in 
 a symphony — it jars on his sensibilities, and he 
 soliloquizes : " Am I a child, or has the present 
 age fallen so low morally that it has to resort to 
 such an extreme as this ? " Yes ; if the spectator 
 be not of a vicious turn of mind, the decidu- 
 ous statuary (that which has shed its leaves or 
 has never leafed out) will excite nothing but 
 admiration ; whereas, be his thoughts prone to 
 follow forbidden lines, the presence of a fig-leaf 
 will cause his imagination to reproduce vividly 
 the surface covered by the fig-leaf. And will not 
 the mental effort required in imagining what he 
 instinctively sees wanting, although possibly 
 slight, cause the mind to dwell on the theme 
 
278 Four Centuries After 
 
 which the short-sighted reformer has attempted 
 to avert with one frail fig-leaf ? 
 ART OR "coNVEN- ^"^ thls auclent city of Northern 
 
 lENCE." Italy the explorer of to-day 
 
 (1892 : four centuries after Columbus made his 
 historic blunder) may discover that the fig-leaf has 
 been introduced with telling effect on art. He 
 may leave an art gallery with the impression that 
 the attempt (well or badly directed, he is by no 
 means sure) of his age at " decency " has indeed 
 been pretty generally introduced. He reaches the 
 street, to be shocked by sights that cannot escape 
 the observation of a person with his eyes open. I 
 refer (not wantonly, and apologize in doing so) to 
 those unsheltered, unconcealed, discolored slabs 
 of marble placed at convenient intervals along 
 the sides of the streets — maybe the principal 
 thoroughfare — for the convenience of a public 
 whose conception of decency as herein manifested 
 would hardly lead a Westerner to look for fig- 
 leaves on their statuary. What would be the 
 effect on morality if a fig-leaf — one solitary fig- 
 leaf — were placed at each and every one of these 
 unsightly conveniences ? Would such a move 
 render the fact less conspicuous, or would the 
 presence of the fig-leaf simply emphasize the fact 
 that many fig-leaves were wanted. 
 
 If any part of nude statuary 
 
 IT GROWS PAINFULLY , , , , , , - , , 
 
 EVIDENT THAT WE ARE sfiould bc conccalcd from the 
 
 NOT ALL CONSTITUTED gazc of any part of the public, I 
 
 would respectfully suggest that 
 
 all nude statuary be dressed according to the ap- 
 
Four Centuries After 279 
 
 proval of some modern dress reform society, and 
 then a commission be appointed to examine into 
 the moral stamina of every candidate for admit- 
 tance to the Museums of Art. Every candidate 
 should be temporarily labelled according to his 
 moral strength, each label indicating the time for 
 its wearer to call at the gallery and just how much, 
 if any, of a statue should be exposed, for his 
 edification and sesthetic life. But there are a cer- 
 tain class of beings who, for their own safety, as 
 well as for that of the right-minded public, ought 
 to be permanently branded as they do cattle out 
 West. I refer to that moral weakling of whom it 
 is alleged that he goes to bed in the dark for fear 
 he will see his own undraped legs, and thereby 
 start a train of thought running at the rate of 
 sixty miles an hour direct to perdition. 
 WHY NOT BE CON- But It may be that this move 
 
 sisTENT? is not alone prudery — it may be, 
 
 alas ! that this reform (of which the fig-leaf should 
 be taken as a symbol, rather than a means to that 
 end) is called for. If so, why not be consistent ? 
 Why not have begun the movement by placing the 
 fig-leaf on the ballet, or, rather, on the more than 
 suggestive gesturesof the ballet, instead of placing 
 it on a cold piece of marble ? No true lover of 
 the beautiful in nature and art would suffer from 
 such an innovation ; no one will dare to say that 
 a ballet clothed in tights — a ballet made up of 
 slight women and stout women — women whose 
 form reminds the observer of the acrobatic skater 
 in his inflated rubber suit, and who bear about as 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 much resemblance to a Venus as a hippopotamus 
 does to a race-horse — no one would dare to say 
 that such an Exhibition elevates man's artistic 
 tastes or appeals in any way to his finer and better 
 nature. 
 
 XII 
 We were awakened early this 
 
 FOR ONCE, NO ONE WAS ^ 
 
 NIGH TO GIVE OUR moming by a violent ringing of 
 MEMORY A NUDGE. ^11 the church bells of Verona. 
 If we had been in a small American city we should 
 have inferred at once that there was a conflagra- 
 tion somewhere in the city, but being, instead, in an 
 Italian city, we soliloquized, while yet but partly 
 awakened : "What sin of commission or omission 
 gets the good people of Verona out at so unseason- 
 able an hour in the morning ? " We had settled our 
 bill with the Hotel Roma preparatory to an early 
 morning smart, and as the bell-ringing had driven 
 away all desire for sleep, we dressed and hurried 
 out on the street. Dawn had hardly begun to 
 break, and the streets were so dark, people hurry- 
 ing along seemed like passing phantoms. Find- 
 ing a coffee-house open, we got our morning bowl 
 of caffe con latte, zucchero, and pane; then we con- 
 tinued on through the city to the Via Padova. 
 We were halted and asked for our visiting card 
 only twice while passing through the city. Evi- 
 dently our outfit hadn't a very devout appearance, 
 as we saw none of those who were responding to 
 the bell-ringing overhauled. When we were fairly 
 out of Verona on the highway, we still met people 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 hurrying along, all going one way — to the city, 
 looking neither to their right nor to their left ; 
 and along later in the morning, while approaching 
 a small town, we found that the people were all 
 going our way — were going to their nearest town, 
 whose bells were ringing just as incessantly as 
 those at Verona. Farther on, we reached such a 
 position between several towns that the bell-ring- 
 ing came to our ear from them all ; and it seemed 
 as if all Lombardy were bell-ringing, and that the 
 ear of the Expedition had struck the exact centre 
 of the commotion. There was a light breeze blow- 
 ing down from the distant mountains which caused 
 the notes of the more distant bells to come and go, 
 grow full and clear ; then they were carried away, 
 only to come again with a sudden clearness that 
 made it seem as if they had been dropped down 
 upon us from some distant height. 
 
 Toward mid-day the Expedition reached a town 
 midway between Verona and Vicenza. The streets 
 were thronged with people, hurrying hither and 
 thither in a most energetic manner. We came 
 to a church in whose open belfry could be seen 
 four bells, all madly ringing, in and out of time, 
 as though noise rather than harmony were better 
 intended to fire the heart of man with religious 
 fervor. With the hope that he might discover the 
 occasion for this universal demonstration, the 
 Great Explorer followed the throng into the 
 church, where he stood alone, a little to one side 
 of the entrance. Yes, he was very much alone — 
 in a strange land — listening to a strange service in 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 an unknown tongue. The air was fragrant with 
 incense, and there seemed to be pleading in the 
 accents of the youthful choir. As the stranger 
 stood there, he forgot the many eyes that were 
 turned toward him — he drifted away from the 
 incense and the small-voiced choir, and built up, 
 from a few words and intonations which his recep- 
 tive ear had caught from out the services, the song 
 divine, "Peace on earth, good-will toward men." 
 And then he understood the meaning of the bell- 
 ringing — it was Christmas. 
 
 Vicenza bore every appearance 
 
 THEY GROW UP TO- - . , . 
 
 GETHER, AND THEN- of its bcmg 2. grcat markct-day, 
 THE ONE EATS THE instcad of Chrlstmas. The roads 
 
 OTHER ! ... . , 
 
 leadmg to town contamed a mot- 
 ley lot, among which there was little evidence of 
 wealth. Nearly every one was on foot, leading, 
 driving, or carrying some domestic animal to mar- 
 ket. One woman was leading a sheep, as docile 
 as Mary's little lamb ; a boy had a papa goat in 
 tow — or, rather, the goat had the boy in tow pretty 
 constantly, in his efforts to scrutinize everything 
 along the roadside that appeared to be goat pab- 
 ulum ; an old woman was cajoling a black hog 
 into believing that she would really like him to go 
 in a direction opposite to the one she was pursu- 
 ing ; another woman had a crate of poultry on her 
 head — they were all there, and the animals being 
 led or driven seemed to be almost on a social and 
 intellectual level with the " superior" animals lead- 
 ing or driving them. The occasion was doubtless 
 a sad one for many a home ; these dumb animals 
 
Four Centuries After 283 
 
 had grown in the affections of their humble mas- 
 ters — had become a part of their humdrum life — 
 may have shared the same room, and were now to 
 part. The " other half " of the world can't under- 
 stand what this parting means. One observation 
 we made may be of interest to zo51ogists, namely 
 — all the swine we saw during the day (and we 
 saw many hundreds) were irredeemably black ; 
 there was neither a white nor a mottled one in the 
 number. We can't account for this phenomenon. 
 WE AGAIN REHEARSE We vlsitcd Palladio's Villa near 
 the"avaunt!"act. Vicenza, and finding a breach in 
 the walls surrounding the grounds, we crawled 
 through and went strolling about the grand old 
 neglected place : through embowered walks, by 
 marble fountains that had long since suspended 
 operations, by disfigured statuary — on, till these 
 tokens of past splendor put us in a contemplative 
 mood — till we couldn't have told whether we were 
 simply a guest or the real proprietor. It was 
 while in this abstracted frame of mind that a 
 keeper came along and rather unceremoniously 
 acted as our valet de place as far as the gate — only 
 as far as the gate — which he unlocked, opened, 
 and, pointing to Via Padova, said, in a classical 
 style quite befitting his surroundings, " Avaunt 
 thee ! " and again we carried out those instructions. 
 
 XIII 
 
 DID YOU VISIT THE It Is casy to believe that Padua 
 
 botanical garden? Js ^\^^ oldest city in Northern 
 
 Italy, as is claimed for her — she looks it ; and 
 
284 Foiir Centuries After 
 
 it would seem that her people are suiting their 
 movements to a prospective long life, the heritage 
 of one born in a city renowned for its antiquity. 
 There is one feature of Padua, however, of which 
 too much cannot be said in praise. AVe refer not 
 to her renowned University, which is too well 
 known to call for mention from a self-made man, 
 but would call attention to her Botanical Garden 
 — a veritable paradise. Don't fail to visit this 
 spot while in Padua, especially if your call be 
 made during mid-winter. 
 
 I shall not soon forget our 
 
 A PADUAN IDYLL. 
 
 evenuig at Padua. At our little 
 hotel (we purposely chose a very unpretentious 
 hotel this time) I found the almost ever-present 
 kind-faced priest. This man spoke English (im- 
 perfectly), which was a guarantee that I would 
 be entertained. When I entered the combination 
 kitchen, dining and sitting-room, or family-room 
 of our hotel, he was sitting playing a game at 
 cards with our hostess and her daughter. • I took 
 a seat to one side, and at the finish of the game in 
 hand the priest came over to where I sat and, in- 
 troducing himself, asked in the kindest way — in a 
 manner that could not be intrusive — if he could 
 be of any service to me. I thanked him and said 
 that I was quite comfortable ; then he invited me 
 to join their little card party. Here I frankly 
 owned that I knew nothing about cards. He 
 looked disappointed, and, excusing himself for a 
 moment, returned to our hostess. There was a 
 momentary conversation in Italian, and then the 
 
Four Centuries After 285 
 
 daughter left the room, to return in a moment 
 with four bottles of what proved to be a tolerably 
 effective brand of wine, which were ranged on a 
 table. I was invited to occupy a chair at this 
 table, which was so placed that it brought me 
 directly in front of one of the bottles of wine. 
 No, I don't know anything about playing-cards — 
 further than their history, which informs us that 
 they were first printed before the art of printing 
 with movable type was introduced- — and I know 
 very little about wine ; but, not wishing to disap- 
 point every advance these kind people were mak- 
 ing toward entertaining their foreign guest, I took 
 the proffered seat at the table. The kind father 
 occupied a place directly opposite, and our hostess 
 sat at one end of the table, and her daughter at 
 the opposite end. While four glasses of sparkling 
 wine were held aloft toward a point in the centre 
 of the table, the priest made some flattering refer- 
 ence to America and the one of her subjects 
 present, at which the glasses were emptied of 
 their contents. The conversation which followed 
 was very pleasant, and did not falter a moment. 
 I got from the priest much desired information, 
 and in return I told him what little I might know 
 of questions regarding America on which he 
 sought knowledge ; and occasionally a snatch of 
 conversation would be carried on with our hostess 
 or her daughter, the priest acting as my inter- 
 preter. 
 
 As the wine warmed our souls the priest be- 
 came still more affable, and our hostess was over- 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 flowing with reminiscences, which were repeated 
 for me with, possibly, a kind word of explanation, 
 or a deserving apology, during which interval she 
 (our hostess) would lean forward expectingly, 
 until she saw that she had been understood, when 
 she would break forth into laughter, the immoder- 
 ation of which could well be understood and ex- 
 cused under the circumstances. The daughter 
 had little to say, but her black eyes sparkled, and 
 when the American was not looking her way, she, 
 too, would laugh — a laugh that contained more 
 rippling music than that of any other member of 
 the little party. Later in the evening, the priest 
 asked her to get her guitar and sing for us. 
 Woman-like, she at first begged to be excused, but 
 after the usual course of urging, to which the 
 American added his persuasive voice — second- 
 handed — she complied. There was a timid little 
 prelude — a slight tripping and accidental arresting 
 of vibrant strings ; then, with a masterly hand, 
 and seeming to forget those about her, she glided 
 off into a minor key. The tinkling notes of the 
 strains that rose and fell with the sweet voice of 
 the singer produced a spell that transfigured the 
 dingy old kitchen : the polished sides of the cop- 
 per stew-pans, ranged on the walls, winked and 
 blinked in the flickering candle-light, and the 
 smoke from the few fagots in the fireplace passed 
 lazily up the chimney. The priest seemed to be 
 carried back into the past, while our hostess me- 
 chanically brushed away a tear. 
 
Four Centuries After 287 
 
 XIV 
 
 WENEAR THE END OF Early Oil thc moming of De- 
 oaR " TRAMP." cember 27th the Expedition might 
 be seen shaping its course along the highway, to 
 the City in the Sea — the spot toward which we 
 have taken so many steps, and which we hope to 
 reach in a few hours. The distance from Padua 
 to Venice is upward of twenty-five miles, and, as 
 the weather at starting is favorable for walking, 
 we trust to easily cover that distance before even- 
 ing. During the early part of the forenoon we 
 reach the River Brenta where it trends from a 
 southerly course to due east — the direction which 
 the Expedition is going — so we agree to travel 
 together. It is along this river (which has more- 
 the appearance of a canal than a river) that mer- 
 chants of Venice have built their summer homes. 
 They are ranged on either side of the river — an 
 almost endless Venetian street. At one place, 
 where the homes stand close together, we see a 
 building bearing a placard telling us that it was 
 formerly the residence of Lord Byron, but is now 
 used as a primary school. And we wonder if the 
 poet's name acts as an inspiration to study, or 
 to play truant ! At one time this summer street 
 must have been a delightful retreat, but now nearly 
 every place has the appearance of neglect, which 
 though lending added picturesqueness from an 
 artistic point of view, must make it less attrac- 
 tive as a place of residence for the average 
 mortal. 
 
Four Centuries After 
 
 As to-day we are particularly 
 
 OUR WATCH, THE SUN- _ . 
 
 DIAL, AND THE HOUR iuterestcd in watching the pas- 
 OF PRAYER. sage of time, we have called to 
 
 mind the various ways in which we are warned of 
 the flight of time in Italy. First, there is the sun- 
 dial, on the side of the house, or as an ornament 
 in the grounds. You usually see a sun-dial on a 
 school-house ; if not very useful, it is a classical 
 ornament. Then, there are the hours of prayer. 
 As we go whistling along, liable to become obliv- 
 ious of the flight of time, we hear the ringing of 
 bells in distant towns, and in yonder field we notice 
 the laborers stop their work, uncover their heads, 
 and stand thus perfectly still for a moment ; then, 
 crossing themselves, they replace their hats. Look- 
 ing at our tirnepiece, we see that it is mid-day. 
 
 Yes, the Italians are very religious — particularly 
 so at stated intervals of the day; at other times, 
 religion doesn't appear to hamper their capacity 
 for worldly enjoyment. They can't crack a whip 
 as loud as the Dutch and the German carter, but 
 the Italian finds an ample outlet for his love of 
 noise through the bell. 
 
 WHEN AMONGST Onc cvcuing, but a few days 
 
 ROMANS— after the Expedition entered 
 
 Italy, we put up at the dingy little hotel of as 
 dingy and antiquated a town. We had eaten our 
 maccaroni, and I had taken possession of the 
 quaint stationary seat in one end of the large 
 open fireplace, and, resting my face in my hand, 
 I began peering into the few dying embers, rem- 
 nants of a fagot fire. I had sat thus for some few 
 
Four Centuries After 289 
 
 minutes, until the voices of those who stood or sat 
 about me, drinking vino and talking in a quiet key, 
 were forgotten in the contemplative mood the 
 graying embers produced, when, in a vague way, 
 I became conscious that the bells of a monastery 
 near by were ringing. This did not strike me as 
 being at all unusual or significant, as I was coming 
 to the conclusion that bell-ringing was Italy's 
 principal occupation. Feeling a hand gently 
 touching my shoulder, I looked tip. The group 
 about me were all standing with heads bowed and 
 uncovered, and the elderly gentleman who had 
 tried to engage me in conversation a few moments 
 before pointed to my hat as though he thought I 
 had not heard the bells. Baring my head, I, too, 
 rose and stood with the group with bowed head — 
 for shame rather than in devotion. In a moment, 
 they all made the sign of the cross, and, covering 
 their heads, resumed conversation and vino drink- 
 ing. There was something about the time and 
 place, the apparent simple faith of these people, 
 that affected me peculiarly, and I slunk back to my 
 shady retreat in the fireplace and tried to reason it 
 out. Had I looked at a timepiece on this occasion, 
 I would have found it six o'clock in the afternoon. 
 WHAT ! A VENETIAN Along toward evening, the 
 
 SNOW-STORM? gj,y^ which was so promising in 
 
 the morning, begins to take on a threatening 
 aspect. Clouds which look very much as though 
 they contain snow are drifting down from the 
 Tyrol, and, a little later, we actually see flakes of 
 snow sailing in the air. Snow flying in the air near 
 
OF COURSE ! 
 
 290 Four Centuries After 
 
 Venice ! What an idea ! Who ever wrote snow 
 poetry in Venice ? The poet tells of languidly 
 drifting about the streets of Venice with the song 
 of the gondolier lulling him into a heaven on 
 earth, but when has he made poetical reference to 
 a snow-storm in Venice ? He doubtless has, but 
 he-iiasn't trilled his lay in my hearing ; so I am, to 
 say the least, disappointed. 
 
 But I ought to have known 
 better ; we all know, of course, 
 the relative position of Venice on this little earth. 
 We do, do we ? It may be we have forgotten a 
 point or two about geography, and it may further 
 be that we got our knowledge before our mind 
 acquired its prehensile faculty. Do you know to 
 what city the people of America go to attend an 
 Ice Carnival, to learn tobogganing and the use of 
 snow-shoes ? — where that grand river flowing by 
 is frozen so stiffly through the winter months that 
 a railroad track has' been laid on its surface, over 
 which heavily laden trains have passed ? Yes, 
 you recognize the city at once — it is Montreal. 
 You know, of course, that this city lies between 
 forty-five and forty-six degrees north latitude, but 
 have you kept the fact in mind that Venice (about 
 which Messrs. Cook & Son and their patrons speak 
 in such warm and glowing terms) lies in the same 
 degree of latitude ? I frankly own that this fact 
 had slipped my mind. I had been perusing a work 
 on European winter resorts, which dissipated all 
 truthful knowledge I had ever acquired regarding 
 meteorology and climate in general. 
 
Four Centuries After 291 
 
 DISLOCATION OF THE As wc iicar thc coast the houses 
 ARCTIC REGION. dwlnclle away to an occasional 
 one of no great pretension, and in their cheerful 
 stead we are carried into a salt-marsh, almost a 
 wilderness. The few flakes of snow are con- 
 stantly increasing in number, and there is already 
 quite a respectable quilt of snow on the ground, 
 and the Expedition soon runs into a maze almost 
 as perplexing as an x^lpine pass. The air 1% be- 
 coming so full of snow we can see but a few yards 
 ahead of us, and it begins to look as though we 
 would have a bed of snow, instead of one of eider- 
 down in a Venetian palace. We inquire for a 
 hotel at the scattered houses along the way, and 
 are directed to go farther on. We go farther on, 
 until we are aware that night is at hand, and are 
 warned that we must find some shelter for the 
 night, if it be no more than a fence rail, or be 
 forced to accept "a one-night stand" as the pro- 
 fessionals say. We come to a large farm-house, 
 where we apply for lodgement. We are directed 
 to go farther on, but we persist in asking permis- 
 sion to stay right there for the night. The mis- 
 tress of the house seems perplexed, but nods 
 assent, and shows the Expedition a suspicious- 
 looking chamber containing a bed that appears as 
 if it might already be occupied ; then we go below 
 into the living-room. The few fagots smouldering 
 on the hearth give forth no heat, and the place is 
 cold and cheerless. In a few minutes the men 
 come in, and, after a moment's talk among them- 
 selves, they beckon the Expedition to follow them, 
 
292 Four Centuries After 
 
 and then go out through the storm to the stable 
 where the cattle are kept — a compactly constructed 
 stone building. The animal heat of the cattle 
 renders this place comfortably warm. There is 
 the smell given off by healthy cattle — which is by 
 no means as offensive a smell as one may encoun- 
 ter elsewhere among beings not classified as cat- 
 tle — and the fragrance of new-mown hay. The 
 party consists of two women and four men ; the 
 relations, we should judge, are those of father, 
 mother, a daughter, one son, the " hired man," 
 and the Explorer. All but the latter member 
 group themselves on stools about a low table, 
 from a secret drawer of which is taken a pack of 
 playing-cards, and the game opens up and lasts 
 during a long evening. The place is illuminated, 
 or beshadowed, by a lantern that is passing 
 through an eclipse, and which occupies a position 
 in the centre of the table. 
 
 The Explorer begs to be al- 
 lowed to occupy a place on a 
 pile of hay a little way apart from the group of 
 players, from which vantage ground he lies and 
 watches the spectral group of silent players — 
 silent save for an occasional chaffing remark, 
 doubtless regarding the result of the game. We 
 detect the hired man making eyes at the daughter, 
 who blushes — or it may be the feeble glow of the 
 lantern reflected, on her cheek. All the time there 
 is a rhythmical sound of the cattle chewing their 
 cud. Occasionally they stop to shift it to the 
 other side of their mouth, or to exchange it for a 
 
 ANOTHER CANDLE- 
 LIGHT STUDY. 
 
Four Centuries After 293 
 
 new one from their convenient temporary storage. 
 Their peaceful rumination, along with the novelty 
 of- the scene, makes another picture worthy a 
 frame. 
 
 As the evening wears away, we plainly see that 
 Cupid strays even into the by-ways. If this 
 treacherous little fellow isn't playing havoc with 
 the hearts of the hired man and the daughter, our 
 knowledge of human nature is misleading. 
 
 When the party breaks up we ask to remain 
 just where we are all night — we much prefer clean 
 hay to the undiscovered heart of the bed we got 
 a glimpse of. We are accorded this privilege, and 
 they go out and lock us in. 
 
 MISUSE OF iMAGiNA- Whllc wc llc \\(txQ. \\\ thc dark 
 TioN. ^g ^]-y |-Q imagine that we are 
 
 really in a Venetian palace, our life and money 
 perfectly safe ; but our thought will stray from 
 such a picture into the domain of the " penny- 
 terrible." Not long since we read the statement 
 (well intended to reassure the timid explorer) 
 that " eight times as many murders are committed 
 in Italy as in any other European country ! " 
 This information is wont to come to mind just at 
 a time when the knowledge that the millennium 
 were about at hand would really be much more 
 acceptable. Not long since, while trudging along 
 through Eastern Lombardy, we chanced to espy 
 by the roadside a marble cross, partly concealed 
 by a rose-bush. Pushing the bush aside, we found 
 that the stone bore an inscription in Italian. Our 
 very limited knowledge of this language per- 
 
KEEN DISCERNMENT. 
 
 294 Four Centuries After 
 
 mitted us to discover that the stone marked the 
 place where some one had met with a violent death. 
 The preceding evening, while in Padua, we asked 
 the priest if he knew the history of the stone. 
 He did, and he related it ; and now we are re- 
 viewing the bloody tale in its minutest detail, and 
 as we drop to sleep we wonder if the villains who 
 have us in charge will mutilate our body or sim- 
 ply make a clean cut across our throat. 
 
 On waking this morning, De- 
 cember 28th, we discover that we 
 are still alive. We know this by our surroundings 
 — they couldn't be mistaken for heaven. Finding 
 that the continuity of our throat hasn't been mo- 
 lested, we get up and make our toilet — a la tramp 
 — and as soon as the gallant hired man comes 
 along and unlocks our chamber-door we make 
 our exit into the snowy morn. 
 
 XV 
 
 We find that we are in sight of 
 
 AND THIS IS VENICE ! , , , , , 
 
 the lagoon ; and out there, partly 
 veiled in a mist which the rising sun has tinged 
 with gold, rests " the Queen of the Sea," looking 
 very bridelike in her mantle of spotless snow. 
 And this is Venice ! With which, we forget all 
 discomforts — we do not feel the snow nor the cold 
 of the mist-laden breeze from the north ; we see a 
 city in the sea — rising, as it were, from out the sea ; 
 and the vision warms our soul — but later we dis- 
 cover that the warmth hardly reaches our feet. 
 
Four Centuries After 295 
 
 and a sensation of discomfort in that distant 
 quarter (or, more correctly, half) of our body in- 
 trudes on our contemplation, and we go stamping 
 along, trying to get up circulation throughout the 
 length and breadth of the Expedition. 
 
 We cross the lagoon, through 
 
 A YIELDING CARPET => ' => 
 
 OF VENETIAN thc mazc of piles marking the 
 
 "slush." jjj^g q£ deep water, and land in 
 
 Venice. Here we find, on closer inspection, that 
 the snow — the beautiful snow, about which poets 
 rave — is already slightly soiled, and has reached 
 the consistency of " slush " — so called up our 
 way. Everywhere it is being shovelled into the 
 sea. They have no use for it in Venice — the 
 whole city doesn't own a sled. The youngster 
 of Venice doesn't know what it is to coast or 
 "slide down-hill" — there is no down-hill in Ven- 
 ice. When you have taken the sliding down- 
 hill, the snow-balling, the constructing of snow 
 houses and men, the skating, and like sports that 
 come with winter — when you have taken all this 
 hilarity from the life of the boy up our way, you 
 have taken much, very much, from the real live 
 "boy." To be sure, there is much left, but that 
 which is left would grow monotonous if a winter 
 didn't come along once a year to bring variety. 
 So we at once feel sorry for the boy of Venice. 
 
 XVI 
 
 WE don't like to And now, before we forget it, 
 
 BOAST, but— ^g must observe that our tramp 
 
 from the Venice of the North to the Venice of the 
 
296 Four Centuries After 
 
 South is completed. It will be remembered that 
 the Expedition left the former city on the after- 
 noon of November 2d. In the meantime, we 
 have traversed the land of the Dutchman, we have 
 crossed the German Empire, passed through the 
 land of William Tell, and have now just com- 
 pleted the passage of Maccaroni-land. We have sat 
 by the fireside with the poor (who are the repre- 
 sentative) people of these countries ; we have 
 eaten at the same table with them, and we have 
 slept under the same roof, although not in the 
 same bed, with them. We have often been forced 
 to accept very humble accommodation, but more 
 often we have chosen such accommodation — not 
 in the way of economy alone, but because it 
 carried us into the byways of European travel and 
 disclosed much that could not have been reached 
 by other means. This tramp has not, of course, 
 been a symphony without a break, or false note, 
 throughout its length ; but, on the whole, there 
 was less of the unpleasant than we expected on 
 setting out. We found novelty where we might 
 have found fault. It may interest the reader to 
 scan some of the bills of fare we found in the by- 
 ways — he will find them easy reading, but in not 
 a few instances he would have had some diffi- 
 culty — he would have needed a deal of courage 
 (moral, physical, and stomachic courage) to eat 
 the food referred to — unless he had tramped all 
 day in the air, which makes a gourmand of a 
 gourmet. Although we tried the accommodation 
 of some of the best hotels along our route, we will 
 
Four Centuries After 297 
 
 not mention this experience, as any one with 
 money can, and usually does, eat and lodge in 
 the better grade of hotel. 
 
 We can live — no, we will say 
 
 LIVE ? OR EXIST ? . . 
 
 exist — m Italy, at a smaller mon- 
 etary expense than in Northern Europe, but if we 
 are to count wear and tear of our digestive econ- 
 omy anything, the cost of living in Italy is pretty 
 nearly up to that of the other countries we have 
 foraged in. 
 
 Here is the most reasonable (or unreasonable, 
 according to your digestion) accommodation we 
 found in Italy : 
 
 Vino (native wine) 60 centesimi. 
 
 Pane (bread) 15 
 
 Minestra (soup, consisting of maccaroni, 
 
 etc.) 25 
 
 Uovi (three eggs) 60 "■ 
 
 Alloggio (chamber, lodging for night).. 30 " 
 
 Total / 1 . 90 
 
 There you have the minimum cost of one meal 
 and a night's lodging in a byway of Italy — one lira 
 and ninety centesimi — or about thirty-eight cents 
 Columbian money. Here is another reasonable 
 bill: 
 
 Cena (supper, including wine) /. i . 60 
 
 Camera (chamber, or lodging) 1.50 
 
 Colazione (breakfast) i . 00 
 
 Total /. 4.10 
 
298 Four Centuries After 
 
 Supper, lodging, and breakfast, eighty cents ! 
 And here is another : 
 
 Vino (wine) /. i . 10 
 
 Pane (bread) 20 
 
 Minestra (soup) .60 
 
 Costoletta (veal cutlet) .70 
 
 Formaggio (cheese) .25 
 
 Alloggio (lodging) 2 . 00 
 
 Caffe e latte (breakfast, coffee with milk). ... .60 
 
 Total /. 5.45 
 
 And here is still another : 
 
 Minestra (soup) .30 
 
 Pane (bread) .10 
 
 Carne e legumi (meat and peas) i • 50 
 
 Vino e zucchero (wine and sugar) i .00 
 
 Camera (lodging) 2 . 00 
 
 Colazione (breakfast) i.io 
 
 Total /. 6 . GO 
 
 You will observe that the vino is ever present — - 
 in even the most modest bill of fare. They all 
 drink wine in Italy, and as it was easier had than 
 water, we drank quantities of it. This wine hadn't 
 the effect of causing you to grope around, "the 
 next day," in space a foot or so from your head 
 under the delusion that it is out there. You will 
 also observe that the lodging in the first bill is 
 valued at thirty centesimi, or about six cents our 
 money. It was just about as commodious as the 
 article rated at two lire in the other bill. The cost 
 of lodging in Italy is nominal. The bed, though, 
 isn't as neat — the linen isn't as spotlessly white — as 
 
Fozir Centuries After 299 
 
 that found in the Northern European bed ; but 
 when it comes to frescos — rooms for which we 
 have paid from twenty to forty cents contained 
 frescos that would cost many hundreds of dollars 
 to reproduce in New York City. Some rooms 
 were gorgeous : and when there was a full moon 
 to illuminate these rooms, we would lie awake in 
 bed admiring Lombard art and wondering if we 
 really felt something crawling, or if it was the 
 effect of the bewitching moon. 
 
 XVII 
 
 THE EXPEDITION IS 
 
 After passing through all this, 
 PLACED TO SOAK— ITS our first sclf-lmposcd duty (under- 
 
 PHVS.CAI. CONDITION. ^^^^^^ J,, ^^g ^^^^ ^^ ^^^ iuStigation 
 
 of the health-officers of Venice) was to place the 
 Expedition to soak in a bath-tub — then we in- 
 terviewed " the merchant of Venice." 
 
 The Expedition is in fine health, not a case of 
 yellow fever or scurvy having appeared to thin 
 our ranks. It is true that, as the result of an in- 
 growing toe-nail, the Expedition has occasionally 
 started off of a morning with a slight limp ; while 
 this was a little inconvenient, it has been at no time 
 so serious a matter as to cause alarm. We have 
 thought all along that, should the perversity of 
 this nail threaten seriously to delay the Expedi- 
 tion, we would not hesitate to extirpate or ampu- 
 tate the whole toe. We shouldn't be stubborn as 
 to the style of surgical operation. We believe in 
 heroic treatment as the only means at the honor- 
 able disposal of a hero ; and should occasion have 
 
300 Four Centuries After 
 
 called for extreme measures, there would have 
 been a whish ! and off she goes ! " We are the 
 stuff that soldiers and sailors are made of." 
 
 At one time, believing that we were acquiring a 
 bunion, I philosophized : " If ' Pilgrim's Progress ' 
 was the manifestation of a bunion, why not a 
 bunion the result of a pilgrim's progress ?" You 
 can reconcile yourself to almost anything you can 
 believe to be the unavoidable result of your own 
 acts. 
 
 One day a pain got into a tooth of the Expedi- 
 tion. The size of the tooth gave an uninterested 
 spectator no notion of the boundless scope of that 
 pain. For a time, it seemed as vast as all Eternity 
 and as all-absorbing as the first-born. The ques- 
 tion of treatment came up, when, in his momentary 
 delirium, the Great Explorer suggested, with a 
 flourish, as radical treatment, decapitation, over- 
 looking the fact, self-evident to a mind untroubled 
 by physical pain, that such heroic treatment would 
 very much embarrass the purpose of the Expedition. 
 This trait went to show the courageous stuff of 
 which the Expedition is composed. If a man is 
 wanting in courage, he will show it when he is 
 wrestling with an aching tooth, and while it may 
 take moral courage to stand in court and be cross- 
 examined when you know you have been lying, it 
 takes physical courage to go about calmly and com- 
 placently with a smile on your face, and a tooth in 
 your mouth that seems to be focalizing all the 
 misery in Christendom. Smiles and pain rarely 
 blossom side by side on the same stock. 
 
Four Centuries After 301 
 
 Right here I am inspired to 
 
 don't ! . 
 
 write a poem on the difinculties of 
 rearing a plant that shall bear both smiles and 
 pain, but, not wishing to cause the sensitive reader 
 unnecessary pain, I will get up and work off the 
 unnatural inspiration on my sand-bag, which I 
 have suspended near at hand in my room. A few 
 moments of active physical exercise will usually 
 quell an invading inspiration of like nature. I 
 should heartily (not maliciously) recommend the 
 sand-bag to all who are subject to like attacks — 
 that is, if they love their fellow-men. I used to 
 know a dear old gentleman (a true Christian, I 
 sincerely believe — gone to his reward, peace be with 
 him !) who would say, on offering advice like the 
 above : " Brethren, let us pray ! " 
 
 But to get back to the Expedition — on the morn- 
 ing following a day's tramp in the rain and a night 
 spent in a bed that had not been slept in for many 
 days, the Expedition noticed that there was a feel- 
 ing in its running gear — a sensation at the knees 
 as though it needed lubricating — a feeling as if 
 they might be heard to squeak. As soon as we 
 get fairly under way and warmed up, this feeling 
 disappears, but while present, it causes a decid- 
 edly uneasy apprehension. 
 
 AS YET, WE HAVE HAD As yct, wc havcn't heard of an 
 NO "relief." expedition having been sent out 
 to relieve us. Nor have we heard that even an at- 
 tempt has been made to raise a fund for our relief. 
 Such neglect is not at all flattering. We would 
 even be willing to subscribe to such a fund. But 
 
302 Four Centuries After 
 
 it may be that we haven't been lost long enough. 
 We don^'t believe in being untimel)^, and we should 
 kick most vigorously (as did Emin Pasha) if there 
 should be an unseasonable attempt at rescuing 
 the Expedition. And, come to think the matter 
 over, we are convinced that there is much more 
 to be seen and discovered. We met a well-dressed 
 American the other day (another of the species 
 we are fond of meeting, they are so original), who 
 said that he had been in Europe two weeks, but 
 that he wasn't going home for a week or so, and 
 continued, " I'm going to hang out till I get my 
 full." He referred to that part of his anat- 
 omy bounded by the lower half of his waistcoat, 
 and, although he doubtless intended to gain force 
 by clothing his idea in a metaphor, the literal 
 reference in the presence of a mixed company was 
 somewhat startling, to say the least. On recover- 
 ing from the shock his announcement caused our 
 delicately tuned sensibilities, we told him that 
 much depended on what he was to fill said recep- 
 tacle with — and we asked him what he thought 
 of maccaroni, anyway. His reply was clothed in 
 language unsuited for a sober work like this. 
 "iwiLLHAVKTODis- ^ ^^-^^st not forgct to add that 
 PENSK WITH YOUR thc succcss of thc Expedition, thus 
 
 SERVICES." r ■ • <- i 1 
 
 far, IS m a great measure to be 
 attributed to the heroic courage and unfaltering 
 constancy of my followers. It would be the 
 height of injustice not to acknowledge this 
 indebtedness — of course ; but, notwithstanding 
 the excellent service they have rendered me, I 
 
Four Centuries After 303 
 
 must dispense with it henceforth. I must reduce 
 my expenses, and to do so I will have to push on 
 entirely alone. There is another reason, however, 
 besides that looking to economy, which leads me 
 to " go it alone " ; namely, I am getting just a little 
 tired of referring to "us, we, and ours" — and I 
 have no doubt the reader shares this fatigue, and 
 will find the more frequent use of the personal 
 pronoun " I " quite refreshing. 
 AS I AM PERFECTLY I antlclpatc tliat each and every 
 SECURE. one of my lieutenants will publish 
 
 a book fully as thick as my own, setting forth 
 therein their views — how they would have done it : 
 how they would have surmounted the obstacles we 
 have encountered ; how they would have enacted 
 Faust ; how they would have passed through the 
 crockery ordeal ; how they would have fixed upon 
 the true source of the Rhine, though frozen stiff. 
 They will devote much space to telling how they 
 were shamefully deserted in a foreign land — in a 
 word, they will act in a very human way and show 
 the world that they are jealous of the fame that 
 will surely come to me. x\lthough I anticipate all 
 this, I feel perfectly secure, as /, Chief of the 
 Expedition, shall have a biographer who will fix 
 my fame and clarify my character. My biog- 
 rapher's services will act on my character very 
 much like that of an ^%g in our coffee. What an 
 example we would set for posterity if we could all 
 have a biographer ! 
 
304 Four Centuries After 
 
 XVIII 
 
 The history of Venice is very 
 
 LIKE THE DOINGS OF -' -' 
 
 "a LAO AND HIS intercsting; it seems like the 
 LAMP. ' evolution of much out of noth- 
 
 ing, and in many respects reminds one of the 
 vicissitudes of the founders of the Dutch Venice. 
 We have observed that everything has to have a 
 starting-point ; so, as a preliminary to the evolu- 
 tion of Venice, the rivers emptying into the 
 Adriatic brought down sediment from the interior 
 of the continent and deposited it along the north- 
 west shore of the sea, as a tribute to the Adriatic 
 for the privilege of pouring their waters into her 
 dominion. This thing went on for many years 
 before history took note of the growing fact (and 
 we will observe that the filling-in process is still 
 going on, leaving seaports far inland) — went 
 quietly on year after year, until the contributed 
 sediment began to pile up and protrude in places 
 of small area above the sea, and these places soon 
 grew to the dignity of islands. About this time, 
 during the fifth century, Attila — surnamed The 
 Fear of the World — led the Huns over the Alps 
 into what is now Northern Italy, and made it 
 exceedingly unpleasant for the inhabitants of the 
 invaded country. It would seem that Attila's 
 Hunny suasion resembled not the honey distilled 
 by the bee ; he would swoop down on a people, 
 and with one fell swipe would wipe them out as 
 effectually as " rough on rats." It seems that a 
 few of the inhabitants of Eastern Venetia espied 
 
Four Centuries After 305 
 
 these rudimentary islets out in tlie lagoon, and, 
 not at all liking the methods of the Hungarian 
 invader, they packed up their worldly effects and 
 took up their abode on one of them. Like the 
 founders of the Venice of the North, this little 
 band began fishing. While circumstances favored 
 fishing, it seemed to favor no other industry, and 
 being of a philosophical turn of mind, as well as 
 good fishermen, they chose the life of a fisherman 
 to the untimely death of a Venetian landlord. 
 THEY ACTUALLY Thcsc pcoplc, In whom adver- 
 
 CAUGHT THEIR FISH ! gity bcgot thrift, fishcd and fished 
 until they had acquired some wealth, which they 
 invested in ships. The first exploit with these 
 ships was the destruction of a band of pirates 
 dwelling on the east coast of the Adriatic. Having 
 achieved this initial victory, their leader, or Doge, 
 constituted himself Protectorate (and thereby 
 became a self-made Protectorate) of the sea in 
 those parts, and thus receiving in consequence the 
 title of Duke. 
 
 Next, the Venetians undertook the transpor- 
 tation of the Crusaders. They made considerable 
 money out of this enterprise. While there were 
 very few Venetians who cared to rescue Jerusalem, 
 they were ready to encourage the enterprise by 
 transporting the enthusiasts for so much per head 
 — there was money in it for them, as Messrs. Cook 
 & Son would say to-day. 
 
 BECOME POWERFUL, I'^ tlmc, the Vcnctlans grew so 
 
 AND THEN— wcalthy and powerful, it was no 
 
 crime for them to filch the splendor from the less 
 20 
 
Tf06 Four Centuries After 
 
 powerful Eastern cities. Had the Venetians been 
 less powerful than their neighbors, their conduct 
 would have been considered wrong, according to 
 the established code of ethics, and they would 
 have deserved, and doubtless have received, chas- 
 tisement. History teaches us that a people who 
 show their hatred of oppression by valiantly fight- 
 ing to escape the hand of their oppressor will, 
 on gaining their hard-bought freedom, turn 
 around and oppress others less fortunate of their 
 fellow-beings — will take from their weaker neigh- 
 bors the same rights which they gained the world's 
 applause in fighting for. 
 
 THEY TOOK NOTHING Thc Vcnetlans remarked that 
 OUT OF THEIR REACH, ^^gy ^^d fishcd loug cnough, and 
 fought long enough, to entitle them to act the 
 role of oppressor ; and, washing away the fish- 
 like smell, and assuming a haughty air, they set 
 about playing their part. They dismantled the 
 cities that were accessible to their navy, and car- 
 ried the fittings to their little jewel in the sea. 
 Knowing full well that real flesh and blood horses 
 would be of no service in their narrow spot of 
 earth, they stole bronze horses. They pillaged 
 cities of their most precious marbles, lugged them 
 home, and cut them up into slabs, with which they 
 veneered their city. And thus, at the expense of 
 other cities, the Venetians built their city in the 
 sea — a conglomeration of splendor — a mosaic that 
 dazzles and thrills the spectator until, at the 
 height of his transport, he exclaims : " At last, I 
 have found it I " 
 
Four Centuries After 307 
 
 The Venetians of to-day do 
 not fish — they are too genteel for 
 such offensive employment. A large portion of 
 them, however, are genteel paupers. In Venice, 
 toil, like virtue, is its own reward. To be exact, 
 labor does receive a slight recompense, which is 
 far from enough to encourage virtue, and we dis- 
 covered several cases where virtue was rated at so 
 paltry a price, and a sale seemed so pitiably 
 urgent, we paid the purchase price, but were quite 
 satisfied with wisdom and sorrow as a return for 
 our outlay, and with which we hurried on. 
 
 XIX 
 
 DISAPPOINTMENT AND 
 APPREHENSION. 
 
 I was disappointed in Venice, 
 on making the discovery that 
 while Amsterdam, the Venice of the North, has 
 six hundred bridges, this, the real and original 
 Venice, has but three hundred and six bridges. 
 This was a painful disappointment, and made me 
 feel very apprehensive about my being able to do 
 the city without chartering a Gondolier by the 
 season. To be outdone by a Dutchman must be 
 humiliating to the Venetian. Then, too, I have 
 discovered another source of apprehension in the 
 fact that this city, like the Ancient Mariner, sees 
 " water, water everywhere, but not a drop to 
 drink " — save that brought by aqueduct from the 
 mountains inland, and that precipitated by pass- 
 ing clouds. Supposing the conduit should burst, 
 wouldn't we get awfully thirsty ? ■ 
 
}o8 Four C cutleries After 
 
 The first place which the tour- 
 
 DOES HE ? . . . , , , . . . 
 
 ist Visits on reaching this city is, 
 of course, St. Mark's. I would ask the reader, 
 should he ever visit A^enice, to step into St. Mark's 
 some morning when the sun has about reached the 
 zenith. Choose a time when you feel that you 
 are quite at your liberty. Having taken your 
 stand, note the effect of the feeble lamp-light (for 
 the lamps of St. Mark's are never extinguished) on 
 the interior ; then follow the course of some sun- 
 beam, that comes sifting through from above, to 
 where its progress is arrested. Note the marked 
 general effect of light and shade — the effect on 
 the splendor of the interior decorations — on the 
 upturned faces of the worshippers. Listen to the 
 whispered prayers from out the tomblike silence. 
 Stand where you are for some time, and you begin 
 to wonder what all this means. Your thoughts 
 come teeming on : Is this worship ? Does the 
 God who sees and knows all, approve of this 
 splendor while the shadow of yon campanile 
 rests on want and misery and their resulting vices ? 
 Yes ; there are sermons in stones, even in those 
 stones on which art has placed its spell ; and for 
 some of God's people there is a forceful, if not 
 eloquent, sermon in man's short-sightedness. 
 don't STOP TO REASON, Whllc In thc trcasury of St. 
 BUT "believe." Mark's, I am reminded that I am 
 approaching the East. " Blood of the Saviour, a 
 fragment of the true cross, a piece of the skull of 
 St. John," etc. Just think ! blood of the Saviour, 
 and a fragment of the true cross — not of the spu- 
 
Foul' Centuries After 309 
 
 rious thing exhibited in cathedrals elsewhere. 
 While at Jerusalem, we were — but Jerusalem is 
 elsewhere. 
 
 When, as the modern discoverer, you turn your 
 face toward the East, your first duty to your 
 own peace of mind is to become as credulous as a 
 child. Should you stop to reason, should you say, 
 " Can this be the genuine thing — could it have 
 survived through all these ages?" the spell would 
 surely be broken, and faith in man, at least, be 
 sadly shaken. Should that first garment, made 
 from the inspiration of sin in that far-off Garden 
 of Eden, be pointed out to you, do not smile, do 
 not scoff, I pray you, but try hard to believe that 
 it be the identical fig-leaf garment Eve donned to 
 conceal her shame, and which, by some means 
 unknown to advanced science, has been preserved 
 for your edification. If you can bring yourself to 
 believe all this — to believe all that shall be told 
 you to be true, much is in store for you, and you 
 will shed many and many a tear from eyes that 
 may not have been thus dimmed since you out- 
 grew the cares of youth — and your guide will be 
 abundantly backshished. 
 
 XX 
 
 THEIR WAYS ARE MORE I sm toW that evcry part of 
 THAN DEVIOUS. Vcnicc Is acccssiblc on foot. 
 This is doubtless true (some people even say that 
 the North Pole is accessible), though I know of 
 many long, narrow streets that ought not to be 
 
3IO Four Centuries After 
 
 accessible, as they end in disappointment, or, 
 more correctly, " pockets," one side formed by a 
 canal, and the cold, bare walls of houses on the 
 other side and at the bottom. These places are 
 altogether too accessible. After you have confi- 
 dently walked into a few of these blind alleys, 
 you feel as though you would like to box the 
 compass, or the ears of the architect who planned 
 the city. 
 
 I have discovered one charming feature, or trait, 
 of the streets of Venice, though, which reminds 
 me in a striking degree of the streets of Boston : 
 they (the streets) are so nicely, or awfully, con- 
 structed that they return the pedestrian to his 
 place of departure within a very brief time and 
 space — or, at least, that is what they have done for 
 one of their explorers. It was not found neces- 
 sary, either, that the pedestrian be placarded, " If 
 not called for within ten days, return," etc. 
 
 Having navigated the principal canals, I thought 
 I would see how much of Venice I could get over 
 on foot, and, with this end in view — no, this end 
 wasn't in view — I started out from the Piazza San 
 Marco by a street leading due west, or said to do 
 so, intending to keep a westerly course until I 
 should reach the extreme west end of the city. I 
 didn't use a compass nor much common-sense, but 
 kept plodding along, enjoying the shifting street 
 scenes until my surroundings began to seem 
 strangely familiar. I was somewhat surprised at 
 this, but kept on, till directly I came to a large 
 open square, the like of which there is not another 
 
Four Centwies After 311 
 
 in the world. Yes, there were the bronze horses, 
 and yonder, on a lofty pillar, poised the winged lion 
 of San Marco. Without a doubt, or a valet de place, 
 I was back in the Piazza — my place of departure 
 but a brief time since — and, as the scheme dawned 
 upon me, I soliloquized, " Ha ! ha ! " 
 THAT LAW WHICH SoMc onc has been quoted as 
 
 MOULDS A TEAR- havlng sald that, " If at first you 
 don't succeed, try, try again." So I made a brand- 
 new departure, and was again soon absorbed in the 
 study of Venetian street life. I know not how 
 long I travelled, nor how far, but I do know that 
 when I came out of my somnambulent trance I 
 discovered myself in the Piazza, the like of which, 
 as I have had occasion to remark before, there is 
 not another in this world. Here I soliloquized, 
 " Ha, ha, ha — and if at first you don't succeed ! " 
 For the third time I started out to walk the 
 streets of Venice. This time I swore by the bronze 
 horses of San Marco I would discover a westerly 
 passage, or — return to the Piazza. I didn't wish 
 to do anything rash, so I formulated a mild and 
 modest oath. This time, though, I took the Mer- 
 ceria — a street which promised to lead through a 
 long line of shops to the Rialto. I actually 
 reached and crossed the bridge, and continued 
 westward (?). Occasionally I would catch a 
 glimpse of the Grand Canal, but its grandeur 
 would offer no knowledge of the course I was 
 taking, as this canal takes up every point of the 
 compass in its course through the city ; and, by the 
 way, if you have any doubt about the effect of 
 
312 Four Centuries After 
 
 direction on the needle of tlie compass, just hold 
 it in front of you while you make the run by the 
 little Omnibus steamers from St. Mark's to the 
 railroad station. You will observe that the little 
 needle seems as uneasy as "a pea on a hot shovel" 
 — it will be still at no time during the run, and so 
 near as I recollect, in a like experiment, it turned 
 from two to three complete somersaults. 
 
 It was along this canal that I ran into countless 
 streets that always looked inviting, as they had 
 the canal for one side and appeared more airy than 
 those with the walls of buildings on both sides, but 
 like many pleasures in this world they were short 
 and, as I have said, ended in disappointment and 
 exasperation. 
 
 I walked a long, long time on this excursion, 
 crossed 306 bridges (or every bridge in this city 
 of bridges), when my surroundings began to grow 
 strangely familiar. Then I entered a piazza, the 
 like of which there is not another in the world. 
 
 This was my first attempt at shaping a course 
 on foot through this city of canals, bridges, streets 
 with brief careers and with streets that eventually 
 lead, not to Rome, but to the Piazza San Marco. 
 Later, I could well afford to smile at my blunders 
 of that day — now the streets of Venice are as clear 
 to me as a chess-board — or nearly so. 
 
 XXI 
 
 MIND OVER MATTER ? I try not to forgct the grace 
 ■ OR CONVERSELY ? ^j^d poctry of motioH of the gon- 
 dola, but my mind will, in spite of my effort to 
 
Four Centuries After 313 
 
 the contrary, picture myself either in a Black 
 Maria en route for Ludlow Street Jail, or the chief 
 feature in a procession to Greenwood — the unre- 
 lenting sombre color of the gondola is so funereal 
 in its effect on its susceptible passenger. To-day, 
 toward evening, the sun came out for a short 
 season to glorify Venice. I strolled down the 
 Piazzetta to where the gondoliers were standing 
 idly by their boats, and, after some bickering, I 
 chartered a gondola, for an excursion up the 
 Grand Canal, returning by way of the lagoon. 
 
 The gondolier takes his position, scull in hand, 
 and begins his swaying motion. The gondola 
 moves — moves through the water with a motion 
 that seems at first unpleasantly snake-like. Up 
 the palace-lined canal we glide, the radiance and 
 warmth of the declining sun making me forgetful 
 of the chill and discomfort of the past. To the 
 musical cry of my boatman comes the response of 
 the passing gondolier — and I feel that I am in 
 Venice, maybe the Doge in his gilded Bucentaur 
 going out to take unto himself a very wet bride, 
 the Adriatic ; and I twirl the ring on my finger, 
 while the temptation to cast it into the sea to fur- 
 ther the spell causes the wearer to slip it off — and 
 put it in an inside pocket, where it can be got at 
 when I reach the place with the three balls. This 
 spell, which I am courting so studiously, after a 
 time takes a very firm hold of me, and I effectually 
 succeed in forgetting that the gondolier is out at 
 one lira an hour — I forget that my letter of 
 credit (that dear little billet-doux) is growing wan 
 
3 1 4 Four Centuries After 
 
 and thin, and that I am not a " Jim the Penman." 
 Yes, the spell, the ecstatic spell is on ! * * * 
 
 Can it be that I have been taking opium, or 
 hashish ? Or is this but the bewitchery of Venice ? 
 
 We drift out of the city into the lagoon — into a 
 sea of fire — past the serenaders, and on till the 
 pulsations of their enchanting strains grow feeble 
 — die — we drift on — on — on. * * * 
 
 A change comes o'er the vision of my dreams ! 
 My gondolier cries, in his most musical accents : 
 " Piazzetta ! — Tre lire cinqumita centestmi, signore ! " 
 He gets it, just as the realities of life redawh on 
 his dazed passenger. 
 
 XXII 
 
 A BRIEF SOJOURN IN ^ Spent tO'day in the palace of 
 PARADISE ii^Q Doge. (No, my illiterate 
 
 friend, it isn't a dog-kennel, and I am surprised 
 that you should make such a mistake.) I took 
 this opportunity to study the coloring of Tin- 
 toretto and Titian. I dearly love — I borrowed 
 this term from a young lady whose sensibilities are 
 so keen she nearly goes into a trance on witnessing 
 a rainbow or a sunset of many colors — I dearly 
 love to study Tintoretto and Titian on color, par- 
 ticularly so on a rainy day. It rains to-day — a 
 cold, drizzling rain, containing none of the cheer- 
 ful features of an April patter-on-the-roof shower, 
 but a drizzle, wholly wanting in sentiment. So I 
 turn to Tintoretto and Titian for warmth and 
 cheer, and I get it. Tintoretto's "Venice, Queen 
 
Four Ce?ituries After 315 
 
 of the Adriatic," has no rain in it ; "Venice En- 
 throned," by Paul Veronese, has no rain in it, and 
 the celebrated painting of " Paradise," by Tin- 
 toretto, of course, has no rain in it. Just 
 imagine the feelings of a mortal who has turned 
 from a " nawsty " rainy day on this terrestrial 
 sphere to the largest known Paradise ! This 
 would have the effect of rendering some discon- 
 solate people absolutely miserable. They would 
 at once set about contrasting their own unhappy 
 lot with the happy throng in Paradise. Not so 
 the philosopher who has derived pleasure in tramp- 
 ing across a continent. As he stands before 
 " Paradise," he imagines himself one of the winged 
 throng, trying to fly a little higher than all the 
 rest. You say that this is a presumptuous flight 
 of the imagination, considering moral character 
 and other gravitating paraphernalia. Now, my 
 dear (I am addressing. Hank), there is wherein you 
 err. An artist impersonating a character forgets 
 self — wouldn't even loan him (self) a shilling on 
 the strength of acquaintanceship — and becomes the 
 character he would personate, according to his 
 conception of it. Having arrived at manhood, 
 should you wish to personate a cherub you must 
 forget that you have passed the cherub stage and 
 imagine yourself ripe for the cast — then you will 
 be a cherub ; and although your audience may 
 not see a real Rubens cherub, they will see the 
 artist and appreciate his histrionic powers. No ; 
 an artist of the Great Explorer's calibre experiences 
 no difficulty in climbing into Paradise. And what 
 
31 6 Four Centu}-ies After 
 
 a jolly, frolicsome, good time I do have, anyhow, 
 as we go flitting about among the clouds — clouds 
 on which we float, in a swanlike way, when we 
 wish to rest our wings. In reality, our flight is con- 
 fined to an area of canvas exactly 74 feet by 30 
 feet. And this- is " quite a spread of canvas," 
 as we sailors express it in speaking of canvas — 
 canvas enough to drive a pretty large craft. But 
 the scope of Tintoretto appears to have had no 
 limitation, save possibly that represented by the 
 walls of his studio. I am told by this great 
 artist's biographer that Tintoretto prayed for the 
 contract to do this great masterpiece, so that he 
 might inherit a place in the original (heavenly) 
 Paradise ; and I trust he was accorded the place 
 of honor therein. As I doff my sylph-like wings 
 and change my diaphanous robes for those more 
 becoming a mortal, and step down and out of 
 Paradise, I observe the fellow-mortals standing 
 about in moist mackintoshes — what a transition ! — 
 and I am reminded of Milton's " Paradise Lost." 
 In this same salon are the 
 
 YOU SHOULD NEVER 
 
 LOSE YOUR HEAD— BY portralts of sevcnty-two doges. 
 THE guillotine! j^^ ^ vacaut space we read this 
 touching memorial : " Hie est locus Marmi Fa- 
 lethri, decapitati pro criminibus." Now, this isn't 
 the court language of America, so I will freely 
 translate it for my illiterate readers, although the 
 freedom of my translation may be sat upon by my 
 classical friends. It wishes to inform the world 
 that a low cuss, by the name of Marino Faliero, 
 committed a crime fur which his head was cut off. 
 
Four Centuries After 317 
 
 This is why his portrait does not appear. A man 
 who has lost his head cannot sit for a portrait. 
 •This ought to teacii us not to lose our heads; 
 and it doubtless taught this Marino (who was also 
 a Doge) it were better not to butt too heavily 
 against the will of his subjects — not to lose his 
 temper and criticise a nobleman, who, under the 
 influence of wine, etc., takes undue liberties with 
 the maid of honor, or, brushing aside social lines, 
 a maid of anything else. 
 
 A FAMOUS, BUT ^^ thc room where the Doge's 
 
 PARTIAL, MAP. shleWs of arms were placed after 
 his election, I find Fra Mauro's famous Map of the 
 World, as known to Europe in 1457-59. This was 
 at a time before the Western continent had dis- 
 covered Europe. America is very conspicuous for 
 its absence in this map. How cheap these people 
 must feel in the "social fringe" of the world of 
 1892. I venture to say that they are sorry they 
 slighted us as they did. I notice that the Euro- 
 pean geographer includes America nowadays — 
 allows it much space. While in Milan, I stepped 
 into a shop making a specialty of maps, and in- 
 quired for an English edition of an Italian map. 
 At first the proprietor acted decidedly indifferent, 
 till a remark I made gave him to understand I 
 was a true type of American manhood. This in- 
 formation caused all indifference to disappear, and 
 the man straightened up until his suspender but- 
 tons snapped. He had mistaken the Expedition 
 for an English enterprise. I bought a map for 
 which I paid a whole lira, and the proprietor acted 
 
A SHADE AS DEEP AS 
 MUDDY WATER. 
 
 318 Four Centuries After 
 
 extravagantly affable, accompanying me to the 
 door and making a salaam, or " so long ! " that 
 nearly rubbed his nose on the floor. But, oh, it's 
 a great privilege to be an American ! 
 
 I now visit the old prison. For 
 effect, my guide carries a flicker- 
 ing taper. It is very effective — its flicker is per- 
 fect, in these damp, awfully dismal stone cells, to 
 which not a ray of sunlight penetrates. My guide 
 speaks English imperfectly — very imperfectly ; 
 and the way he tells me one step down — three 
 steps down — no step here — careful, one step — 
 and gives the cheerful history of each cell, can't 
 be imitated. Here I recall my brief sojourn in 
 Paradise a few moments since. What an inde- 
 scribable contrast ! A veritable Dante's Inferno — 
 a Tintoretto's Paradise ! What examples of man's 
 inhumanity to man this place calls up ! And I 
 ask, where do we really find that God sanctions 
 man's taking the life of his fellow-men ? Is it 
 found in His Word ? Have we a moral right to 
 do more than place the offender of human and 
 divine laws under restraint, and thus allow him an 
 opportunity to seek his own salvation ? Can we 
 say that the man who has suffered capital punish- 
 ment has acted his own free moral agent ? Had 
 he been suffered to live, might he not have under- 
 gone a change of heart — -in a word, become a 
 changed man ? whereas man's interference sent 
 another soul to an awful reward. The old law 
 that took " an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a 
 tooth," has become obsolete ? 
 
Four Centuries After 319 
 
 Did you ever sit down by your- 
 
 THKN DO SO AT ONCE. , ,. . , , 
 
 self and think what it means to 
 ta'ke the life of a fellow-man — to cut his head 
 right off, so that you may say, Here's the head, and 
 over there, a rod or so away, is the trunk ? It is 
 quite evident that such treatment means death to 
 the animal. But the soul — that something which 
 identifies the man — what have you done with that ? 
 What have you done for that ? Are yOu a little 
 selfish — are you a little cowardly, in depriving this 
 being of another chance at redemption ? To be 
 sure, you have lessened the danger to your own life 
 - — your own chances of survival are better. You 
 know the. danger a swimmer incurs in attempting to 
 rescue a drowning man ? Yet many swimmers have 
 hazarded their lives in rescuing would-be suicides. 
 "Thou shalt not kill ! " What are we to under- 
 stand by that one of the Ten Commandments 
 written on Mt. Sinai.? The command is unquali- 
 fied, "Thou shalt not kill." This is the Divine 
 law ; yet man presumes to make a law that legal- 
 izes killing — man says that he who shall wilfully 
 take the life of his fellow-man thereby forfeits his 
 own mortal existence. Who, unless he himself 
 have committed murder in thought or in deed, can 
 understand the working of a mind that plans and 
 executes murder? In the sight of the Author of 
 the Decalogue, is it any worse to disobey the 
 whole ten than it is to take exception to one ? 
 
 You can shake up this vital 
 
 question as you would a kaleido- 
 scope, and at every shift you see- something of 
 
320 Four Centuries After 
 
 interest. Is theJ death penalty the last lingering 
 shadow of the Dark Ages that falls across the 
 year 1892, or is it an institution that shall live 
 until the coming of the millennium ? To fully 
 appreciate this subject, the socialist's head should 
 be resting on the executioner's block ; on any 
 other occasion he would not be stirred to an appre- 
 ciation of its awful weight. 
 
 I pass through this prison in a 
 
 VES, QUITE CHEERFUL. ./-•!. T17-1 X 1 
 
 sort of nightmare. When I reach 
 the place of execution and peer down into the 
 hole in the stone floor through which the limp 
 fruit of the executioner was cast, I wonder how 
 my guide can resist the temptation to waylay me, 
 strip my form of its wealth of artificial adornment, 
 and dump the dross into this very hole ! It's 
 cheerful to know that he did have the moral 
 courage to resist that almost overpowering temp- 
 tation, and so relieved did I feel when we again 
 reached the light of day, I — fee'd this man before 
 he had time to ask me ! This circumstance is phe- 
 nomenal, of course, but "I can act quickly in an 
 emergency," as the demonstrator observed when 
 a drop of molten lead was accidentally spilled from 
 the crucible down the back of his neck. 
 THE SIZE OF A SIGH IS I Icavc thc palacc of the Doges 
 DETERMINED BY- aud takc 2i stroll around in front 
 until I reach the Fojtte della Paglia. Here I 
 stop and gaze up a dark narrow canal, a prison 
 on one side, a palace on the other. I stand in 
 a reflective attitude for some time, then I hear 
 you ask, "Why dost thou sigh ?" Assuming that 
 
Four Centuries After 321 
 
 there is a time and place for all things, I believe 
 that my sigh is timely. I am gazing at the Bridge 
 of- Sighs. It isn't the size of this renowned bridge 
 that causes these sighs ; its size is forgotten when 
 I think of the heartfelt sighs that have resounded 
 through its covered passage-way ; and although 
 the original sighs were long since stilled in an 
 awful death, my vivid imagination, assisted by my 
 own apt imitation of the sobs and sighs of saddened 
 souls, bridges o'er the time that has elapsed, and I 
 — turn and continue my walk down the Riva della 
 Schiavona. 
 
 XXIII 
 
 A SIGHT DRAFT. 
 
 While standing in the post-office 
 to-day, dividing my attention be- 
 tween a letter bearing the United States postmark 
 and watching the clerks loading mail-bags into a 
 gondola that lay in a canal running closely along- 
 side an open doorway, a young, well-dressed man 
 approached and asked, in pure Columbian, " Can 
 you conveniently spare me a shilling?" and con- 
 tinued, by way of explanation, " I have been away 
 from home for some time, and by some taisar- 
 rangement a letter containing a remittance has 
 failed to reach me, and I find myself entirely with- 
 out funds, and forced for the time being to rely on 
 the charity of fellow-countrymen I may find in this 
 city." He recited this in a stereotyped way, with 
 few gestures and little emotion. His voice hadn't 
 that hollow sound indicative of an empty stomach 
 or phthisis, but was full and round, like the con- 
 tour of his vest. 
 
32 2 Four Centuries After 
 
 Intending to honor his modest draft (with the 
 same touching degree of fortitude with which I 
 honor the draft of a fly bUster), but wishing to get 
 my shilHng's worth of information, I asked him 
 where he " hailed from." He replied, with a 
 slight hesitancy, that Manchester was his home. 
 I then asked him if he was acquainted with Smith 
 Jones of that city. He looked a little uneasy, 
 thought a moment in a dramatic way, and then 
 replied that he never had had the pleasure of Mr. 
 Jones's acquaintance. I hadn't either, though I 
 thought there would be no harm in asking about 
 a personage whom I had never met, and who 
 existed in my fertile mind alone. I asked him if 
 the Bellevue gave as good an entertainment in 
 late years as it had in former years. He looked 
 very much frightened, and stammered that he 
 hadn't been in the place for years and could give 
 me no information regarding the quality of its 
 performance. 
 
 I handed him a lira, with the advice that he had 
 best locate in a town in which he was better ac- 
 quainted before he approached another " country- 
 man " for assistance, or to get the city directory 
 of some one town of modest size and take up his 
 abode therein (the directory) until he was thor- 
 oughly acquainted with its principal places of 
 amusement, its leading citizens, and its geograph- 
 ical position on this earth. 
 
 YES, HE WAS REALLY A He took . thc advlcc and lira 
 FELLOW-COUNTRYMAN, meckly and then sauntered away. 
 When he was gone a postal clerk, who had evi- 
 
Four Centuries After 323 
 
 dently listened to our conversation, stepped up 
 and asked if I knew where the man was from. I 
 told -him he claimed Manchester for a residence. 
 Then he told me that the man had been inquiring 
 for a letter for a week or longer, and had claimed 
 to come from New York, and showed a passport 
 issued by the United States which gave a very 
 good description of its bearer. Could it be that 
 a man who had been reared in that country whose 
 father was " first in war, first in peace, first in the 
 hearts of his countrymen " (finish with a double 
 shufile) could depart so far from both his country 
 and the truth — stand in a foreign land with our 
 spread-eagle passport in his pocket and tell a 
 barefaced lie to a fellow-countryman ? 
 A FORCED REsoLu- Alas ! what a commentary on 
 
 TioN. Q^j- national reputation for truth- 
 
 fulness ! As the full significance of this young 
 man's conduct became apparent to me, I began to 
 feel apprehensive for our country's safety, and I 
 resolved then and there henceforth to tell the 
 truth or hold my peace. I would crucify my 
 natural propensity, to save the reputation of my 
 countrymen. Never again would I boast of our 
 army and navy, and give the exact weight of " the 
 fish that got away " ; never again would I tell of 
 the quiet way in which we conduct our political 
 campaigns — how the office stealthily seeks the man 
 — how the nominee has to be clubbed into accept- 
 ance ; and, saddest of all, no more could I tell, 
 with an excusable tear, that the wife and mother 
 of our country is becoming more and more do- 
 
324 Fou7' Centuries After 
 
 mestic ; that, as a fitting reward for the exalted 
 place she has been assigned in the heart and honae 
 of the American, she shows more than a willing- 
 ness that man, the husband, the father of her chil- 
 dren, shall stand at the helm of state ; that she 
 feels deserving of no rights that the true Ameri- 
 can does not gladly accord his wife and mother ; 
 that her highest ambition is to be the wife of a 
 true American, the mother and guardian of his 
 children, and as such she is virtually the law- 
 maker of our land ! Yes, I would preserve a 
 stillness that could be felt, and wpep unseen. 
 
 XXIV 
 
 THE ART OF iNsiNu- I dlscover that money gains 
 ATiNG A DEMAND. j-j^g cfitree to fflost of the palaces 
 in this city. One's social standing doesn't seem 
 to be considered, so long as one is well dressed 
 and has the small fees — small, but numerous, like 
 a certain fauna of Southern Europe — for the vari- 
 ous servants who infest these palaces, and who are 
 all at your service. The tactics of these servants 
 are a study. No matter how rapt I may get with 
 my surroundings, I can't forget that they are ever- 
 present — not that I would care for an opportunity 
 to conceal some bric-a-brac about me — it isn't 
 that which causes their presence to disconcert me : 
 I am wondering how much cash it will take to 
 bribe them into allowing me to escape. The first 
 servant who takes me in charge conducts me 
 
Four Centuries After 325 
 
 through his department, possibly a whole suite of 
 rooms, and when he is about to surrender me to 
 another servant or keeper, he informs me of his 
 intention — tells me that we are about to part, 
 breaking the information gently, so as not to 
 startle me. The time having arrived for the sur- 
 render, he doesn't verbally demand his bribe — he 
 doesn't say, "Your money or your-life ! " Oh, no ; 
 he is too much the artist to use compromising lan- 
 guage : he reaches the door leading out of his 
 domain just as he has finished imparting the infor- 
 mation that he is about to surrender me into 
 other hands ; but here he shows a nice hesitation 
 in opening the door, in the meantime bowing in a 
 way that would cause a dancing-master envy. I 
 have seen some pretty faithful acting before the 
 foot-lights, but I have never had the pleasure of 
 meeting an artist who could imply so much as is 
 conveyed in this introductor}^ bow in our little 
 parting scene. I place a coin in the expectant 
 hand, the door swings gracefully open, and I am in- 
 troduced to my new keeper, who bows acceptance. 
 But you hand out your change 
 
 THEY REFLECTED -' J a 
 
 VOICES FOREVER prctty frccly when you find that 
 STILLED. yQ^ ^j.g -j^ ^j^g palace of the orig- 
 
 inal Othello, and again when you discover yourself 
 in the home of Desdemona. The guide does not 
 forget where Lord Byron resided while in Venice, 
 and when you are told that you are within walls 
 which have been the incubator of poetry — walls 
 that have reflected the voice of the author of " Don 
 Juan," you are expected to be very liberal. 
 
326 Four Centuries After 
 
 DO YOU EVER GET I lovc to Hngct about the Rialto 
 
 THAT WAY ? — thg original and only Rialto, 
 
 which bears no resemblance to the pseudo article 
 in Union Square. I have met many a Shylock 
 here, and I ached to have one step up and dun me 
 for loaned money long past due. Wouldn't I stand 
 out, though ? Wouldn't I upbraid the son of Jacob 
 for his avarice? Wouldn't I wax eloquent until I 
 drew a crowd about me, and then tell the greedy 
 money-lender that it was all a mistake — a case of 
 mistaken identity ? I get stagey when I am once 
 warmed up, and act my part in a most ferocious 
 manner ! At times, quite as' violently as did 
 James Owen — the great tragedian who more than 
 flourished during the latter part of this century, 
 although my ranting wants the lofty thought 
 which characterized James's paroxysms. 
 
 And the bridge of the Rialto — is there another 
 such bridge ? You say yes ; there is one like it 
 spanning the Arno. It is true, they resemble 
 each other : both are lined with shops ; but Shake- 
 speare hasn't passed his characters over the Ponte 
 Vecchio — that greatest magician hasn't touched 
 this bridge with his wand. 
 NO, OUR EXPERIENCES I havc mct thc Merchant of 
 
 ARE NOT ALL ALIKE. Vcnicc. My mcrchant deals in 
 clothes. I can't sa}^ that his name was Antonio. 
 After he had taken my measure he said, or seemed 
 to say: " Behold the world but as the world, a 
 stage where every man must play a ^^dirt, and 7ftme, 
 a sad one.'' You see, he had agreed to construct 
 a suit of clothes for me for a certain sum of money 
 
Fonr Centuries After 327 
 
 regardless of my size, and my nice proportions de- 
 ceived him — deceived a Jew ! It took much cloth 
 to encompass me about, and my Merchant of Ven- 
 ice breathed forth the above immortal announce- 
 ment. I do not recall his saying that, " My purse, 
 my purse, my extreme means lie all unlocked to 
 your accession." I doubt whether he would have 
 been thus liberal, even had I told him of my Por- 
 tia. To tell the truth, I have no Portia in view — 
 and now, while I have your ear at close range, I 
 ■may confess that no countess has proposed our 
 flying " to some unsuspected isle in the far sea." 
 This neglect, however, is doubtless all owing to 
 the weather. It is not the time of the year — it is 
 not balmy enough to betray a countess into mak- 
 ing so compromising a proposition. Nor has a 
 wealthy old banker invited me to come right into 
 his home and help make the time fly pleasantly 
 for the other less sedate members of his household. 
 This teaches us one thing at least, namely, that 
 the experiences of those making a brief sojourn at 
 Venice are not all alike — and this is doubtless 
 well, and as it should be. If we were all invited 
 to become the guests of a banker or to take the 
 wings of the morning and some prepossessing 
 countess and fly to an unsuspected isle in the 
 sea, Venice would become a sort of Mecca and the 
 unsuspected islands of the sea would become 
 about as scarce as " the island of the Seven 
 Cities." 
 
I WOULD I WERE A — 
 
 328 Fo2ir Centuries After 
 
 XXV 
 
 A week's sojourn at Venice has 
 dissipated my fancy picture of her 
 in a setting of everlasting balmy, blooming Spring. 
 The resolution to seek a more congenial clime is 
 fixed — I will cross the Mediterranean, to the land 
 of the Pharaohs, and pay my respects to Rameses 
 the Second ; then make the pilgrimage of the 
 Christian's Mecca (purchase a few car-loads of 
 souvenirs, cunningly fashioned from olive-wood ' 
 from the Mount of Olives, which I will send home 
 to boom my subscription list) ; then, as Southern 
 Europe begins to settle into the lap of ardent 
 Spring, I'll come back and continue my search 
 among the local ruins of the Roman Empire. 
 ANOTHER " BUT ! " But, "My dcar sir, you have 
 
 TURNS UP. forgotten something ! " This 
 
 last observation is borrowed, and a feeling of 
 justice leads me to explain how I came by it. A 
 few days before sailing from New York I stepped 
 into a restaurant, took a seat at a vacant table, and 
 ordered my dinner. A moment later a man came 
 in, and took the seat opposite me at the same table. 
 His appearance indicated that he and prosperit}^ 
 had fallen out, which fact was made more evident 
 by his painful attempt to conceal it. He seemed 
 to be laboring under the same misfortune that 
 restrained the movements of the late lamented 
 Mr. Crowley, of the Zoo — that he had been spend- 
 ing some of his time sliding around on the benches 
 of the parks was too evident by the worn condi- 
 
Four Centwies After 329 
 
 tion of his breeches at a point that would naturally 
 come in contact with said benches. He hastily 
 concealed this bit of evidence of the ravages of 
 time in the chair, and held up his left hand with 
 the index finger extended. A waiter hurried to 
 his side and took his order for a rather elaborate 
 dinner. How I envied him his appetite ! The 
 wine and hot soup warmed the inner man, his eyes 
 brightened — he began to talk. I asked him if I 
 hadn't seen him before. (I couldn't recollect 
 that I had.) I might have seen him at Washing- 
 ton, he replied, where he had spent several years 
 in the vain hope of receiving an appointment. He 
 had recently come to New York to look for some- 
 thing to do,, and he hadn't succeeded in finding 
 that something. He confidentially told me that 
 up at his home in Vermont they supposed he was 
 prospering, and the last letter from home con- 
 tained an invitation to help eat the Christmas 
 turkey with them once more. It seemed that this 
 mention of home afforded him much pleasure — as 
 though he saw more warmth and cheer in the past 
 than the future held out to him. 
 
 I got up from the table, and, picking up my 
 dinner check, walked up to the cashier's desk and 
 handed it in with the exact amount called for 
 therein. My vis-a-vis also picked up his bill of 
 expenses and came chatting along at my side, but 
 instead of following my example at the desk he 
 passed on toward the entrance. The alert eye of the 
 cashier caught his flank movement and he extem- 
 porized the observation : "My dear sir, you have 
 
33° Fow Centuries After 
 
 forgotten something ! " I looked back to our 
 table; nothing but dishes, cleaned of every vestige 
 of a dinner, remained to mark the place my chance 
 acquaintance had just occupied. He looked 
 pained and disappointed ; then, as he slowly 
 walked to the desk, he began searching his pockets. 
 It was too true — he had forgotten something. 
 Pulling himself together, and handing me his 
 dinner check, he said, in an easy, neighborly way, 
 as though we had been intimately acquainted for 
 years : " Here, settle for this, and I will hand you 
 the change next time I see you." I paid the bill, 
 rather than see them use a stomach pump on him. 
 WHAT IS OUR SPE- Ycs, I had evidently forgotten 
 
 ciALTY? something — had overlooked the 
 
 fact that the surplus of cash in the treasury was 
 getting low. It's usually easier getting away from 
 home than getting back to the starting-point. A 
 wise person will always keep the means of getting 
 back in view. I was very anxious to get across 
 the Mediterranean, but found that it costs quite 
 as much to cross that body of water as it does' to 
 get from America to Europe. What was I to do — 
 turn pirate ? Maybe my reputation as a Great 
 Discoverer calls for some such desperate act — some 
 nefarious crime. I repeat, I wished to sustain the 
 reputed standard of greatness, and recent biog- 
 raphers of the great and only Columbus show a 
 marked disposition to take him down from his 
 lofty pose as a saint and hero. They have set 
 about it in a quiet way, to be sure, but their ulti- 
 mate intention is quite plain, and I anticipate (all 
 
Four Centuries After 331 
 
 penetrating minds are prone to anticipate) a still 
 further drop for Columbus. History, and a simple 
 law of physics, show that it is easier to pull a per- 
 sonage off a lofty pedestal than it is to place him 
 thereon. Recent biographers insinuate (I believe 
 that is the word) that Columbus may have been a 
 sort of ocean " tramp," in the sense that the epi- 
 thet might have been applied in his day ; then, 
 as a sort of apology, they add that his short- 
 comings were largely those of his age, as though 
 he intended them (his shortcomings) as a courtesy 
 to his age. So it seems that my first duty is 
 to look about me and determine just what the 
 shortcomings of my age are — find out our spe- 
 cialty. I will frankly admit (frankness is one of 
 my virtues) that my knowledge of theshortcomings 
 of my age is quite meagre — I have been studying 
 its virtues so closely I have no doubt its repre- 
 sentative shortcomings have escaped my obser- 
 vation. I don't wish to launch out with a scanty 
 repertoire, as I believe nothing so disheartens a 
 sensitive manager as to have the garden truck and 
 calcium light thrown on out of season. At first, 
 I thought I would be able to personate " the vil- 
 lain of the high seas " in a very creditable manner ; 
 but my ignorance of the leading shortcomings of 
 my age and the want of a deep bass voice lead me 
 reluctantly to assume another role. No, I will not 
 hoist the black flag ; I will go above-board. This 
 was my resolution after due deliberation, and 
 after-events will show how faithfully I carried 
 out this resolution to g^o above-board. 
 
33^ Four Centuries After 
 
 NEGOTIATING MY I resolvcd to go to the office 
 
 FLIGHT. of some Mediterranean steam- 
 
 ship line and ascertain the cost of a passage 
 on the cross-trees. I'll not say whether I went 
 to the Florio Rubitino Line, or the P. & O., 
 or to some other line of steamers, as to name 
 any one would be giving them a gratuitous adver- 
 tising — and there is another reason why I should 
 not name the line which- spirited me into Cleo- 
 patra's land, and I will not even divulge this last 
 reason for keeping the means of my flight a secret. 
 I stepped into a certain office and inquired for the 
 manager — not as though I wished to charter a 
 steamer, nor as one would ask for the price of a 
 drink, but with a mild degree of dignity — a happy 
 mean, I presume. I asked the manager what ac- 
 commodation he had, aside from first and second 
 class as described in his prospectus. He replied 
 that they had none. I told him I was very anxious 
 to get into Egypt, but that at present I didn't feel 
 able to pay for either accommodation described in 
 his catalogue — that I would gladly accept a state- 
 room forward of the mast, or abaft the rudder-post, 
 at a reduced rate — and I showed him my letter of 
 introduction from Mr. Blaine, which requested all 
 whom it might concern to assist bearer on his 
 way. I didn't tell him that I had met with a re- 
 verse of fortune, or that I expected to fall heir to 
 some vast estate which I would share with him — 
 later on. But he may have inferred all this, as 
 the bath, laundry, and merchant of Venice had 
 lent an appearance of high respectability to my 
 
Four Centuries After t^t^t, 
 
 general effect. He may have mistaken me for 
 some American nobleman who had sold himself 
 ""short." I don't know what he thought, but he 
 said that they did have a contract with the Italian 
 Government to transport soldiers, when called 
 upon to do so, at a very moderate price per head. 
 The accommodation consisted of a tent on deck ; 
 and if the case were urgent he would speak to the 
 captain of the vessel then lying in port and see 
 what arrangement he could make for my accom- 
 modation. I replied, in my classical style, that 
 necessity, and not my pride, consented to any ar- 
 rangement that would get me across the Med- 
 iterranean ; that I felt the impulse to cross to 
 Egypt maybe as strong as did Mark Antony, 
 although the impulse that harassed me sprang 
 not exactly from the same source as did that 
 which impelled the great Roman Triumvir to leave 
 Octavia, his standing army, and his country so 
 abruptly to go to rehearsal. He smiled, and 
 seemed to become interested in my enterprise, 
 and bade me call on the morrow. 
 
 I called on the morrow, and he 
 
 ON A HATCH — FOR ' 
 
 "TWENTY-ONE Said hc had talked with the cap- 
 °'^^®' ■ tain and purser of the outgoing 
 
 steamer, and they had agreed to place the steamer 
 at my disposal — not the whole of it, but a clean 
 little tent placed on a hatch over the hold of it, 
 in which I could be monarch, as I was to be the 
 only one of that style of passenger. 
 
 So I was to be a thing apart, very exclusive and 
 airy. I would escape the sewage gas, the bilge 
 water, feeing the head waiter, etc. 
 
334 Four Centuries After 
 
 XXVI 
 The day came for our depart- 
 
 EVERV COURTESY. ' . 
 
 lire from Venice, and I went 
 aboard the ship that was to bear me hence, and 
 possibly thence. As I stepped from the gang- 
 plank, the purser came forward and inquired, " Is 
 this Mr. Holt?" I frankly acknowledged my 
 identity. It seems that my striking personality 
 and the clothes I wear are easily described and 
 recognized. The purser didn't send me to my 
 state-room with a low-browed porter, but person- 
 ally escorted me thereto, and showed me how to 
 ring for hot and cold water ; how to reef or " fold 
 my tent like the Arabs " in case of a gale, and 
 advised me to crawl out from under the tent on 
 the leeward side in the event of our shipping 
 heavy seas. He named certain hours when I 
 should stealthily go to the pantry, just off the 
 main dining-saloon, where I would find everything 
 that was served at the first table, at my disposal. 
 He concluded by saying that the manager at the 
 office had requested that I should be made com- 
 fortable. It would seem that this manager really 
 suspected me of being a perfect gentleman, tem- 
 porarily embarrassed, while in truth I was never 
 embarrassed, save, possibly, on a certain occasion 
 up in Germany. The hour having arrived for our 
 ship to cast off her hawser, she very deftly cast it 
 off. I detect her in the act. I am right up on 
 deck where the ship's modus operandi can't escape 
 my vigilant observation. I am also near where 
 
Four Centuries After 335 
 
 the infernal little engine, called a " donkey " (quite 
 properly so called), is stabled. This little fellow 
 can't bray, but he can make more noise while in 
 port than the old grist-mill up our way. After 
 the usual preliminary, our ship got in motion and 
 steamed slowly down the lagoon to Porto di Mala- 
 mocco, through which tortuous channel she felt 
 her way, casting a hawser over a pile here and 
 there, to assist in bringing her about some sharp 
 angle in her vague course. This procedure seemed 
 strangely undignified in a majestic ocean steamer, 
 but it would have been much less becoming to run 
 her into the doubtful depths of the slimy sea-weed 
 margin of the channel — and I voted our mariner 
 due credit as a navigator. 
 
 As we steamed down the Adri- 
 
 WHAT, TEARS ? . -^ , . , 
 
 atic, I turned my attention to the 
 city in the sea. Evening was coming on ; the 
 sun, still partly obscured, was discoloring the 
 clouds in the west, and the mist that hung over 
 the lagoon caught these warm tints and, in turn, 
 reflected them to the cold marbles of the city 
 beneath. Thus, in my last view of this city, as 
 she sank lower and lower in the sea whence she 
 sprang, I saw Venice, the only Venice, the Venice 
 I had looked for so long. 
 
 XXVI 
 
 THE PURSER INTER- I passcd a comfortablc night 
 
 VIEWS ME. rolled up in my mantle, in my 
 
 little tent, dreaming as peacefully as an Arab. The 
 
Foil)' Centuries After 
 
 clouds have rolled away, or we have steamed from 
 beneath them, and everything but below decks is 
 flooded with Italian sunshine. I pace up and 
 down my deck, little molested by the less fortunate 
 passengers away aft, who look longingly my way 
 and wonder what it is. During the day the purser 
 calls at my state-room and asks after my health — 
 if I get air enough, or shall he order the port-hole 
 of my state-room opened, have I had use for the 
 spewing cup ? On the whole, he manifests a lively, 
 playful interest in my welfare. I tell him I am in 
 excellent health and spirits, and only wish that all 
 his guests were in as comfortable a state of mind, 
 soul and body, not to mention the resentful 
 stomach. He asks if I wouldn't like to occupy a 
 state-room. I reply that I wouldn't exchange my 
 airy quarters for his best bridal chamber. He 
 laughs at my light and airy replies, and when he 
 has again subsided, he continues, confidentially, 
 with the information that there is a certain party 
 aboard — an elderly gentleman and his daughter — 
 who occupy a suite of rooms away aft, who have 
 asked many questions about the gentleman in 
 the tent — his name, whence he came, and where 
 bound, and requests the purser to see that I am 
 quite comfortable, and, if such an arrangement 
 were agreeable to me, to invite me to accept a 
 state-room and a place at their table-^provided 
 such an arrangement could be made without 
 making known the benevolent party offering to 
 meet the additional expense. As soon as I am 
 satisfied that the purser is not trying to personate 
 
Four Centuries After 337 
 
 Tantalus, I thank him very cordially, and tell 
 him that it is my policy not to accept charity ; in 
 fact, I am not a subject of charity — that I believe 
 I am getting more out of the voyage than any 
 other passenger. He looks surprised at this, and 
 guardedly gives it as his opinion that I am reject- 
 ing an opportunity of a lifetime — from which I 
 infer that he sees something beyond the mere 
 acceptance of the favor at hand. " You can't 
 most always sometimes tell the thing you least 
 expect the most," can you ? It is quite evident 
 that a sorry mistake has been made all around. 
 We can't too well guard our identity. Not long 
 since, I heard of a man who, while standing around 
 waiting for a train, was mistaken for a mail-pouch 
 by a swiftly passing mail-train, and nearly lost his 
 life in the grip of a patent pouch-catcher. These 
 people, I fear, are making almost as ludicrous a 
 mistake, but I won't let so trivial a matter worry 
 me and mar my enjoyment of the Adriatic scenery. 
 We anchor before beautiful An- 
 
 BEAUTIFUL ANCONA 
 
 —A MORE CONGENIAL coua, just as dawn is breaking. 
 CLIME. rpj^^ summit of the ridge of moun- 
 
 tains against which this little city rests is receiving 
 its first coat of gilding, the reflected splendor of 
 the eastern horizon, while from beneath, at the 
 level of our ship, we look up out of a darkness 
 that contrasts strangely with the coloring above. 
 Save for the distant notes of convent bells, which 
 are borne down from their lofty height on a gentle 
 morning breeze, the city is still as quiet as the 
 city of our dreams. After receiving mail aboard. 
 
338 Four Centuries After 
 
 we again steam southward, and do not make 
 another stop until we enter the port of Brindisi, 
 and stop alongside her commodious quays. As 
 our vessel is to remain in this port for a few 
 hours, I saunter off up-town. The run of two 
 days has carried us into a much more congenial 
 climate than that of Venice. I linger for some 
 time in an orange-grove, to which the fruit still 
 lends its warm color, wondering all the time that 
 some one doesn't come along and hoist me out. 
 It may be that my deceptive appearance of re- 
 spectability deceives even the people of Southern 
 Italy ; and I feel that I should like to stay until 
 the illusion wears off. But I go back to our 
 vessel, and when they see that I am all aboard 
 a«gain, the captain gives the word and away we 
 go. The next place we touch, unless we touch* 
 bottom en route, will be Alexandria, Egypt. And 
 we go skimming away o'er the voluptuous swell 
 of the southern sea toward the Greek coast. 
 Along toward evening, our eastern horizon is 
 marked here and there by distant snow-capped 
 mountains, their dim outline easily mistaken for 
 the banks of cumulus clouds piled up by their sides. 
 And here again I realize how deceptive are appear- 
 ances ; a short-lived cloud, to all appearance one 
 of the everlasting mountains of classical Greece ! 
 THE PURSER HOLDS Thls aftcmoon the purser calls 
 
 OUT THE BAIT AGAIN, again and asks me how I like it — 
 if I slept well, etc. I tell him that the howling of 
 " All's well ! " by the pup on the dog-watch is get- 
 ting a little monotonous, and ask if he can't be 
 
Four Centuries After 339 
 
 muzzled. I report that last incense-breathing 
 morn got up with a bad breath, and that the boys 
 began squirting water about the decks at an un- 
 seasonable hour ; but I very much doubt whether 
 all this is any more disagreeable than the rosy-morn 
 below decks — at least, of the two, I prefer my 
 lofty perch. And then I go into ecstasies over 
 my recent researches in astronomy, enumerate the 
 many advantages and the few disadvantages of 
 my tent as an observatory — tell him that, at nearly 
 every yelp of the dog-watch throughout the long 
 night, I crawl out and sweep the heavens with my 
 upturned face — and that should a " long-haired 
 star " wander our way I intend to christen it, and 
 make my name immortal in astronomy at least — 
 yes, if relentless vigilance makes up for a defective 
 and rather primitive apparatus, I am sure to catch 
 some heavenly wanderer — possibly a transmigrat- 
 ing soul, or a mild degree of lunacy. Fearing 
 that he may think me already inoculated with the 
 latter, and have me put in irons, I check my 
 enthusiasm and give him an opportunity to say 
 something. And what do you suppose he chooses 
 for his topic ? The intrepid fellow at once refers 
 to the benevolent party who would adopt me on 
 probation. Warming up, he imparts the further 
 information, which he accidentally gleaned from 
 a conversation in the after saloon, that these 
 people met me in Milan while standing before 
 " The Last Supper," on which occasion I lent 
 them my Baedeker, they having left theirs at 
 their hotel. I do recollect the circumstances, but 
 
340 Four Centuries After 
 
 fail to see wherein this slight token of courtesy- 
 calls for such generous returns. Here he whispers 
 something in my capacious ear. I faint — or, rather, 
 feel that I should if I were before the foot-lights. 
 
 XXVII 
 
 MAN AND THE Ei.E- It Is evcnlng — evening along 
 
 MENTs CONSPIRE. ^^g ^Q^st of Grcecc. The moon 
 is full. It seems that she is addicted to the 
 same habits which have marked her course all 
 along, up our way ; but she is brighter — much 
 more radiant — to-night than I ever saw her before. 
 The light which she sheds to-night renders reading 
 ordinary print quite easy. I lean over the hand- 
 rail and listen to the wash of the long waves 
 against the side of the vessel and to the gentle 
 lapping of the minor ones ; I watch the shimmer 
 of the moonlit sea and the line of phosphorescent 
 splendor marking our path. 
 "that FACE, IT Are not these conditions enough 
 
 HAUNTS ME." |-q maddeu one of my delicate 
 
 sensibilities? It seems not. I'm to be subjected 
 to a further test. My mind wanders back to the 
 benevolent party. I see his face. I also see her 
 face — this is very natural, as I found them to- 
 gether. And I ask myself : " Have I struck a 
 chord in the breast of the old gentleman — a thrill 
 that shall continue to pulsate till it becomes one 
 grand ecstatic throb ? " 
 
 PROFOUNDLY INTER- I must admit that, in spite of 
 
 ESTED, BUT— j-^y calm ttaturc, I am getting in- 
 
 terested. And right here, dear reader, I find that 
 
Four Cenhiries After 341 
 
 I must bid you farewell ! I regret very much the 
 parting, but it must take place now, even though 
 we are on the deep, deep sea, as I find that my 
 book has grown thick enough. You have trudged 
 along so cheerily with me, through sunshine and 
 shower, your laugh has been so hearty while 
 your tears have been sincere, I have become at- 
 tached to you, and I long to have you go with me 
 into Egypt, to listen to the palm-tree's passionate 
 sighing, while we sit in her shade, lunching on 
 genuine sand'^\c\iQ.?> and dates from the Great 
 Desert. What a glorious time we would have ! 
 But we will not linger over vain regrets — it is bad 
 for the digestion. 
 
 With this, the Great Explorer enters his tent and 
 drops the 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
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