\ THE WHITE HOUSE; A NATIONAL DRAMA, ILLUSTRATING WASHINGTON SOCIETY, TBE Uam AND CIJSIOMS, M EICE LIFE, OP ROYALTY Al^D EEPUBLIOANISM. CHICAGO: The Chicago Legal News Print. 1877. THE WHITE HOUSE. / THE WHITE HOUSE; A NATIONAL DRAMA, ILLUSTRATING WASHINGTON SOCIETY, TQE II1A\!IEBS ISD CDSTOB, IK OIGB LIFE, OF EOYALTT AND EEPXJBLIOANISM. CHICAGO : The Chicago Legal News Print. 1877. T ^ ^ \ Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1877, by THE CHICAGO LEGAL NEWS COMPANY, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. DEDICATION. To all who hold that American freedom means something more than exemption from imperial poAver and kingly prerogative ; that it compre- hends true, genuine Republican freedom, this poem is respectfully dedi- cated by THE AUTHOR. DRAMATIS PERSONiE. The Secretary of State. The President's Wife. PROLOGUE. March on, ye potentates of earthy \ Y^e r)iig]ity men of nohle hirth; Wall into line, ye Icings and sages, Whose heraldry illumes the pages Of the long record of the past; Where vje may scan from first to last, As geologic sages trace, The foot-prints of the " ruling raceJ^^ Enter ye in and talce your places, A mighty throng of upturned faces, Expectant. Let the curtain rise. And hring hefore your wistful eyes A modest pair, of gentle mieyi. No grand display of Mng and queen, ^Reft of the hlase of glittering gems That flame and shine in diadems / 10 TEOLOGUE. And yei, each one is crowned sti-preme, FoT^ in each face hehold the gleam Of that immortal god-like jplan^ The grand eg%iality of man, Based on the edict, all divine, Which through the higher Ufe doth shine. What unto others ye shall be, . The same shall others be to thee. Sere hold an inquest, and decide, Who shall he teaclier, leader, guide. And as from step to ste]) you trace The ancient customs of the race. Where human progress trails along. Say, who is right and who is wrong. Heturn your verdict. Let it he For lifting %i]) humanity. {Let it through every region ring\ Till every man shall he a king. Who rules himself, and him alone^ Soverign and suhject all in one. THE WHITE HOUSE. [Scene. — Ladies' Reception Room. — Mrs, Hayes, seated, — A visitor is announced, — The Secre- tary of State enters, — 3Irs, Hayes rises, and extends a cordial welcome.'] The Secretary. What shall we do with the Russian Bear When he comes to the White House and takes his chair At the President's table ? Don't you think The best we can do is to give him a drink ? 12 TTie White House; Mes. Hayes. Never a drink in this house. Those old ways Might have been well enough in Belshazzar's days ; But times have changed. In this latter day A Belshazzar feast is not au fait; The dinner is good — the cuisine is ample ; Let this house be a White House, and set an ex- ample Which Russians and Frenchmen and all men may follow, And learn to stand up, and never to wallow. The Seceetaey. Look here, my good lady — the speech you have made Would do very well in a women's crusade ; A National Drama. 13 But what in the world will these noblemen think Of the President's dinner with never a drink ? All Europe will stare at us. Every glutton Will roll up his eyes a^ big as a button, And say : What ! No wine at a White House levee! Not a tip, nor a nip to set them aglee? No, no, I won't have it. Good madam, Til see That these Russian cubs do not get on a spree. Mrs. Hayes. Oh that's not the point. I have no fears of that; Let me tell you, good Sir, just what I am at. This House, you* observe, is the head of the nation, And I am its mistress — a very high station. When White House society opens its mouth 14 The White House; It speaks east and west — it speaks north and south ; It speaks to all Europe ; its echoes are hurled At sovereign and peasant all over the world. When I speak to the world in this way, do you think I am going to say: My good Sir, take a drink ? With what mighty woes must humanity grapple If each modern Eve is to bring out her apple So luscious and fair, with a gentle reminder That it's sweet to the taste — with a Devil behind her f The Seceetaey. Oh, stay — you mistake me. I never have been On the mount where the kingdoms of earth might be seen : «» A Wational Drama. ^'^ The temple's liigb pinnacle ne'er do I climb : ( I let some one else play that trick every time). I don't advise others to feed upon stones — I should always tell Job to look out for his bones. We know how his boils were piled on thick and thicker. (Poor Job! how he suffered for want of some liquor.) No, I am not even the " Son of the Morning ; " When one was once called so, 'twas meant as a warning, To look out for Babylon's terrible King, Who " weakened the nations." Mrs. Hayes. The verv same thing — 16 The White House ; The Seceetaey. Oh no, lie was after them, ''' hammer and tongs." No Belshazzar orgies of liquor and songs ; With spears and with bludgeons he'd pierce them with holes — He never suspected them gifted with souls. Mes. Hayes. Please, sir, just one question : Did you ever see One *' weaker " than when he had been on a " spree," As you please to call it? Though it were better To view the poor fellow as bound by a fetter : And as nations are made up of people, I think That nation is weakest that takes the most drink. The Seceetaey. Don't bother me so. Your keen vivisection A National Drama. 17 Interferes with my argument — breaks the connec- tion. — I am no roaring lion, that wanders each hour All over the world, seeking whom to devour. That's a figure of speech: it gives an ideal To the average mind more apparent than real. Mrs. Hayes. One word, if you please. Does one never feel When boozy, a slight inclination to '' reel" ? If that isn't " real " pray do tell me what It is that will make of one sober a sot. The Secretary. I am not (I continue), an " Angel of Light" To those who so frequently " go it " at night. 2 18 The White House; Mes. Hayeg. That is so. If thy light unto darkness is turned, How great is the darkness thy daylight hath earned? If thou on a mountain top standest erect, All men who behold thee may fliirly expect A brilliant reflection — a radiance bright. And not that thy glory be shrouded in night. At the dome of the White House thou standest to shine — Not a lucifer match, to be smothered in wine, The brilliance all banished — the star a mere button. To gleam on the breast of a 23rince or a glutton : Then how it shall brilliantly shine on the path Of a heaven-bound jDilgrim, O ! tell not in Gath ! A National Drama. ID The Secretaey. Good madam, we ne'er shall get tbrougli if you tease Me with womanish questions imprompted like these ; There are matters of stateship that need my atten- tion ; I've no time to spare, but will simply make mention That Russia takes Turkey whenever she's able ; So please see the cook and have some on the table. Mrs. Hayes. Oh yes, I'm a woman — but isn't one murky Whose mind wanders off from his wine to his turkey ? It is somewhat singular, though 'twould not be 20 The White ITouse ; If its owner had lately " a man gone to see ; " But you, my good sir, never did such a thing, And it puzzles me how you should take such a swing. The Seceetary. My friend, I'm afraid you are talking too free. You might as well say "when he'd gone on a spree." "^ beg you, good lady, don't throw slang at me. Mes. Hayes. Oh, slang is a good thing, sometimes, you will see. For warlike and fierce stood Goliah's proud head Till young David " slang," when he tumbled down dead; A I7ational Drama. 21 And since this pet Devil on mischief is bent, Some sling-slang I think at his head may be sent : Nay, if AVhite House society don't turn him out I will get up a crusade and put him to rout. You tell me you tempt none to climb the world's mountains; Pray, sir, have you never looked down on its foun- tains Where those who imbibe, with a drop in the eye. Are somewhat inclined in the end to get ** high" ? No steeples you climb a temptation to utter. But do not these " high " ones at last reach the gutter ? You never advise men to feed upon stones, But have you not often beheld foodless ones ? 22 The White House ; And how came they foodless ? Whence carae this sore evil? Their pennies were stolen by that sneaking Devil : The " Son of the Morning " does not lend his rays To make the world bright, and dispel the dark haze; No, verily, but the old Satanic liar Invites men to revel in brimstone and fire. No lions are prowling about for their prey, But how many murders occur day by day ? How many look into the murderous muzzle, And pour out their blood because men learn to guzzle ? Shall we open a school at the head of the nation, And proclaim this " American civilization," A National Drama. 23 And say to the powers: You may lead — we will follow ; You may teacli us to sip — we will learn how to swallow ; We are yet quite too young to set up for ourselves; We are only bright lads, in our teens and our tvv^elves : Through our pupilage shall we take lessons like these, And in weak imitation outvie the Chinese ? If so, then behold the American monkey ; W^e vv^ill give him a name, and his name shall be Flunkey! The Secretary. Good madam, I'm shocked at the awful creation 24: The White Souse-; Your vivid mind frames from such slight degusta- tion. A little imbibing is harmless you know ; But what I am after, is chiefly to show— MpvS. Hayes. That when one sets out he is likely to go To the end of his railroad, and I must decline To furnish through-tickets on this fancy line ; I've opened no office for that sort of trade — To send men below on old Satan's down grade. Whene'er at my door one applies for a ticket, I will furnish him one for the Paradise wicket. The Seceetaey. Oh madam, you shock me — then cure me so quick, A National Drama. 25 If you'll be my doctor, I'd like to be sick. But how we do wander! Pray let us come back From these fancy lines, to the old beaten track. We send an ambassador off to these nations; Our aim is to keep up our friendly relations: When to him is extended a free hospitality, 'Tis offered at once to our whole nationality ; And when at a feast he's invited to sip, Don't you see that Americans all take a nip ? Mes. Hayes. No, only the men, for I beg you to note. We are not represented — the women don't vote. The Secretaky. And are we not told in the Bible so true, To do unto others as they do to you ? 23 The White House ; Mes. Hayes. f There is statesmanship for you. Great treaties, no doubt, Are oftimes so framed, with the chief word left out. The Secretaey. And when unto us a legation shall come With never a drink, shall we send them back home, To herald abroad over Europe's wide shores, That here they've discovered a nation of boors? Mes. Hayes. Look here, my good Sir, let us pause — let us think — And from duty's imperative claim never shrink. Let us imitate Him, who, a lost world to save. A JVatiojial Drama. 27 Gave up earthly crowns for the cross and the grave. In the grandest career for the welfare of man, Let America's freedom-born hosts lead the van. If nations come to us, we'll teach them the way Which in time shall bring in the millennial* day. If we go to them, we v/ill tell them the story Majestic and grand, of the King in his glory — Of lions and lambs which together lie down, AYhen the jewel of peace shall bespangle each croAvn ; Of the viper that plays round the cockatrice-den, The pet of sweet childhoo:!, a teacher of men ! Behold, then, our mission, so grand, so sublime — No parallel's found in the annals of time! 28 The White House; Shall we, with -our claim to be righteous and just, Through weak imitation prove false to our trust? We proclaim to the world that our country is free. That o'er this broad region, from mountain to sea, Not a foot of our soil shall be trod by a slave — In " the land of the free and the home of the brave ". And yet, do you tell me we have not outgrown The serfdom of Europe, from tropic to zone : That though we have passed our centennial year. We are under the paw of the great Russian Bear, And must do as he bids us, whate'er we may think. When with Sclavic politeness he says : Take a drink ? A National Drama. 29 «» The Secretary. I think — I believe — I should say — I don't see, Just how I can answer — but yet there must be — Yes, I have it — a maxim that always comes home: We must act like the Romans when we are in Rome. Mrs. Hayes. But how does that help you, sir, out of your muss? Must not Rome do as we do, when Rome comes to us? The Secretary. That query we'll solve by the old paradox, It turns on the question of who owns the ox. But, madam, my functions and duties are j^lain; By any and all means, I'm bound to maintain 30 The White House ; Relations of friendship with all the great powers ; Their action toward us, toward them shall be ours -; Well known are their customs, and I shall insist That we shall observe them. You must not resist; We have an example directly in point Sufficient for curing the looseness of joint My argument needs; for just now we are told The crown prince of England— head sheep of the fold- Presides at a dinner in honor of those Who give roseate hue to the great British nose, And confer on imbibers that much treasured boon, Bestowed by him only who runs the saloon. When princely example thus tells how the swallow Swift homeward doth flutter, shall we fail to follow? A National jJrama. 31 When incipient Emperors thus lead the track, What j^lebian commoner dare turn his back? Mrs. Hayes. Well, I'm but a woman. I cannot dictate The course to be followed in matters of state. But I shall not be at the White House display. When princes and statesmen shall hold their soiree. And you, the head waiter, whene'er the guests come Will answer the bell, and you'll say: Not at home. The Sechetap.y. Mrs. Hnyes, you surprise me. It never will do For such an event to transpire without you. Just think of it, madam. What would the guests say 32 The White House; If you should be missed from a White House soiree f And I have a conscience. Pray, how then can I, Who like our young Washington, can't tell a lie, With boquet abreast, and with mid-parted hair, And rose-scented 'kerchief, bow low and declare To guests, on arriving : America's queen Is sick, or is absent, and cannot be seen ? Mes. Hayes. A conscience^ you say ! Well, what do you think My conscience will say on this question of drink ? The Seceetaey. Oh, madam, remember — you seem to forget — Though 'tis not surprising, for you have not yet . A National Drama. 33 Been long in the White House, — in matters of state Our nice sensibilities oft must abate. To meet the conditions, a moral-sense plastic Was long since invented, so soft, so elastic That what would aforetime have been quite dis- gusting, We now have no trouble in nicely adjusting. Mes. Hayes. But, sir, when these questions of duty arise We must look at them squarely, and not shut our eyes To the fact that we stand here to sjDcak for our nation ; And when we receive this august delegation, 3 34 Tlie White House/ We, like the young hero, with hatchet in hand, Must act as we'd have every lad in our land : And as for this matter of conscience — which side Shall furnish the standard to lead and to guide ? Bear in mind it is tue that must get up the dinner, And if we do wrong, why, then we are the sinner. So, if 'twere reversed, and if they were the host To furnish provision of coffee and toast ; If they please to offer us lager and wine, It is ours, as we choose, to accept or decline. If this be not recognized true hospitality, Be it President, prince, whate'er land, nationality. It is high time it should be; then let us begin A reform that shall bless all the world. Let us win The wide world's applause, and, what is far better. A JSlatlonal Drama. 35 From the manacled hands of the workl tear a fetter. And what is my duty, good sir, let me ask, When Providence lays upon me the great task Of doing whatever of good to our land This grand opportunity puts in my hand? When Ahashuerus sent forth his command, To slay every Jew to be found in the land, Who came to the rescTue, so noble, so brave, With her life in her hand, her dear people to save ? A woman ! And when in these perilous times, Eacli day makes its record of terrible crimes, May not this be an opportune time to begin A reform that shall wipe out our national sin ? Who knows but that I, as the scepter I kiss. Have come to the kingdom for such time as this? 36 The White House ; The Secretary. Your theory, madam, is all very good; But customs, you know, which for ages have stood The recognized rule, have till now kept the boot — If you'll pardon the metaphor — on t'other foot. - That rule, you observe, will demand that the host Consult the guest's relish for toddy and toast. Mrs. Hayes. Suppose, then, the guests should be forty or more; Each guest must be furnished, by tally and score With what he may fancy. But how then can I, The measure forecast of demand and supply? Oh, yes, I perceive an ingenious device, "Which, if I'm not mistaken will work very nice : A National Drama, 37 We will send to each guest a polite invitation, Upon it inscribing an interrogation, — To wliicli he'll respond: — it may look rather queer : Champaign, or Burgundy, or Whiskey, or Beer. The Seceetaey; Oh, madam, you tease me. Come, all things must end. And so this discussion. I will not defend A custom that's wrong. I have simply to say We can only take things as we find them to-day. AVe cannot be blamed for the failings of others. Nor answer for faults of our fathers and mothers. Mrs. Hayes. Verv true, but remember, the call for reform 38 The White Home ; Was sounded aloud in tlie late civic storm ; So let us at once, for the good of the nation, Have a new revolution, or new revelation — And let us not limit its range. We will start With a novel departure in ethics and. art. We will find a De Boeuf, who a picture shall paint That will change the relations of sinner and saint. It will settle this problem, the source of all evil, . So long controverted: Eve tempting the Devil. The Secretaey. Thanks, madam! Your genius is simply sublime! No peer will be found if we search through all time. The question is settled. The laurel adorning Fair Liberty's brow shall be yours. Good morning ! A .j^a t tonal Di xi m a, 3 9 Mes. Hayes. Oh, statesman! you've caught me! Pray may not a woman Sometimes let her fancy play ? Is she not human ? Once more I have learned the great peril of sin : He that diggeth a pit is quite sure to fall in. You will not relent ? You ivillhave your own way? Well, if it must be so, bring on your soiree. But let me suggest : When on your way home, Stop at the Interior — tell him to come, The Patent Commissioner — tell him to bring- That latest invention, a very nice thing. Around which a world's admiration v/ill cluster, The Patent Elastic and White House Adjuster, Which I think can be used to advantage. 40 The White House, The Secretaey. I will- I think I shall need it — but hush! be still! \_Curtain falls ^ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 401 813 3 %