I SAM WEIiliTER, OR, THE / P X C AC W II © K J A IIS. A DRAMA, /AT THREE ACTS. ' AS PERFORMED ; AT THE NEW STRAND THEATRE, WITH UNEXAMPLED SUCCESS. By W. T, MONCRIEFF, Esq. MEMBER OF THE DRAMATIC AUTHORS SOCIETY, AND AUTHOR OF "THE ARMOURER OF PARIS!" " THE JEWESS!" " THE WINTERBOTTOMS !" &C. &C. &€» ■•• Asi e$ verdad, replico Don Quixote, porque no fuera acertado que los atavios de la Comedia fueran finos, sino fingidos y aparentes, como _lo.es la mesma Comedia, con la qual quiero, Sancho, que estesbien, teni£n- dola en tu gracia, y por el mismo consiguiente a los que Ids representan y a los que las componen, porque todosson instrumentos de hacer un gran bien a la Republica, poniendonos, un espejo a Cada, paso delante, donde se ven al vivo las acciones de la vida humana, y ninguna comparacion hay que mas al vivo nos represente loque somos y lo que habemos de ser, como la Comedia y los Comediantes." — Don Quix. parte 2, cap. xii. Eonfrott : PUBLISHED FOR THE AUTHOR, AND SOLD BY ALL RESPECTABLE BOOKSELLERS. 1837. (PRICE ONE SHILLING ONLY.) ft7 w_i DRAMATIS PERSONS. MEN. Mr. Pickwick, (Founder of tie Pickwick Club,) Mr. A. Younge, Mr. Melville, Mr. E. Burton, Mr. Roberts, Mr. G. Cooke, Mr. Chicheley, Mr. Nicholson, Mr. J. Lee, Augustus Snodgrass, Esq. M. P. C. Tracy Tupman, Esq. (ditto) - Nathaniel Winkle, Esq. (ditto) - Mr. Wardle, (A fine old English Gentleman,) GL Nupkins, Esq. (Mayor ofi Ipswhich,) Mr. Leo Hunter, - - - - Alfred Jingle, Esq. ( A walking gentleman,) Mr. Samuel Weller, (Faithful attendant of Mr. Pickwick,) - - Mr. W. J. Hammond, Mr. Weller, sen. (A long Stage Coachman,) Mr. H. Hall, Job Trotter, (A dubious character,) Mr. Attwood, Master Joseph Dumpling, ( The Fat Boy,) Mr. A. Richardson, Honorable Simon Slumkey ; JHoratio Fizkin, Esq. ; Rackstraw ; Dogsflesh ; Capteen ; Alleycampain ; Drunken Liberal ; Ballad Singer ; Match Seller ; Turnkey ; Grummer ; and nnmerous other characters, by Messrs. Dearlove, Burton, Searle, Chapman, &c. &c. Miss~Rachel Wardle, Miss Isabella Wardle, Miss Emily Wardle, Mrs. Bar dell, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Miss Tabby, Marv Summers, WOMEN. (Sister of Mr* Wardle,) Mrs. Johnson, (Daughter of War die,) Mrs. Hammond, Miss Daly, Mrs. Melville Miss E. Hamilton - Mrs. H. Hall, Miss Petifer, (ditto,) (A Widow,) Miss Lucretia Kitchener, Miss Brookes, Mrs. Barclay, Boarders, Visitors, Servants, &c> &c. ADVERTISEMENT. If is almost needless to observe, that this Drama is founded on the very original, graphic, and clever " Pos- thumous Papers of the Pickwick Club," written by Mr. Dickens, better known through his familiar cognomen *« Boz." It will be quite supererogatory to point out the numerous instances in which I have been obliged, for the purposes of the Stage, to depart from my original, as the Papers are in every body's hands, and the deviations speak for themselves ; it may be sufficient to say, that I have, in no instance, I trust, departed from the spirit of my prototype, how ever greatly I may have been compelled to vary from their form and bearing; and that I have en- deavoured to make the quantity of original matter, I was necessitated to write* amalgamate, not unworthily, I trust, With the materials borrowed from Mr. Dickens. It would have been a much more easy and genial task for me, to have written an entirely original work ; especially, labouring as I have been, for some time past, under the calamity of, I hope only temporary, blindness ; but I was rather piqued than otherwise to the work. The Papers had been pronounced to be wholly undramatic ; — two very talented gentlemen, to use a newspaper term, had both attempted the task, and failed — the one, from sticking too closely to bis original — the other, through departing too widely from it. It struck me, they were to be made dra- matic. I knew well their author had never contemplated I V A D VE R TI'SEME'NT. the production of them in a dramatic shape, of he \voutrJ have formed a regular plot, and given a continuity to his work* which alone is wanting*, to rank it with the finest comic fictions of any age or country. T^he success of my undertaking has justified my judgment. Some apology is due to Mr. Dickens, for the liberty taken with him, in finishing his work before its time ; but the great increase of popularity, which it must have received, from my putting it on the stage, will, I think, more than excuse a step, to which I was urged, rather by circumstances than desire* Some injudicious friends of Mr. Dickens, among his Brethren of the Press, (preserve me from such friends, say I, — of course, I do not allude to the manly, fair-deal- ing, daily Press, to which I am under the greatest obliga- tions), — have chosen to display much soreness at the com- plete manner in which I have triumphed over all the diffi- culties I had to encounter in my undertaking. Every wretched mongrel, can, I am aware, dramatise the Pick- wick Papers, now that I have shown them how, by closely copying all I have done ; as is the case with a low minor Theatre, in the purlieus of London— once respectable ; but even the original author will admit, that he had never con- templated his matter could have been so conlpressed, and his incidents put in so connected a form, as they assume in ^SamWeller!" — a character, by the bye, which I should think was only an after-conception of its creator, and formed no part of his original projection. Mr. Dickens lias, by far, too much genius, to nourish any of the petty feelings evinced by his Fostering friends ! whose articles, being those of the " High intellectual" Suuday-school of criticism, are greatly too genteel and abstruse, for every ADVERTISEMENT. V day reading*, but must be kept for Lord's day exa- mination only ! Why these gentry should object to my having- dramatised Mr. Dickens, I cannot conceive. Sir Walter Scott — a name, I numbly submit, of sufficient merit, to be mentioned in the same page with the writer of the " Pickwick Club/' always looked upon Mr. PoeocK'&and Mr. Terry's stage versions of those iminortalfictions, "Rob Roy ,f anil " Ivanhoe," rather as a compliment than other- wise ; and I had undoubted precedent, for what I did, in the instance of the first dramatic writer of all time — Shakspearei who has scarcely a play , that is not founded on some previous drama, history, chronicle, popular tale, or story. What then means the twaddle of these '« high intellectuals/' in so pathetically condoling* with Mr. Dickens, on the penalties he pays for his popularity, in beingputonthe stag-e? Let these ''high intellectuals'' speak to Mr. Dickens's publishers, and they will learn, it has rendered them, by increasing* their sale, the most fortunate of Chapmen and dealers ! It is wasting time, to show the absurdity of these addled-pated persons, for their, \ blow hot and blow cold,' articles, aie as incomprehensible to them- selves, as they are to everybody else. In one of them, I am, first of all, abused for having sacrilegiously meddled with any of Mr. Dickens's matter; and then abused for not having meddled with it enough. The reader is told that everybody is pleased with my piece ; and is then informed, that nobody should be pleased with it. Two or three low scenes between Sam and his father, taken from the original work, are lauded as " written in a fine spirit of humanity ;'' while some rather polite dialogues, that I have introduced, between the ladies, are bkck- VI A DVERTISEM ENT, guarded, by this " high intellectual" as vulgar trash. — Mr. Pickwick is described as i( a rare creature of the ele- ments," far above my comprehension or that of any one else, and I am reproached for not having delineated some delicate touches, which, in the same sentence, are asserted to be far too ethereal and deeply hidden for general perception ; and the " high intellectual" winds up, by asserting, that the drama would be a very good drama, if I had not hap- pened to have wrought it. That Mr. Dickens is one of the " great master spirits of the age," there * needed no Ghost to come from the grave t to tell us this,' and that for rendering him successful on the boards, — I am a very sad fellow ! — in short, that Mr. Dickens should have done it all, — and not I. Now, this is all very well, and I would readily have spared ray matter, and served Mr. Dickens up without any of my own sauce ; but that, bad I done so, Mr. Ham- mond, as had been proved before, would never have been called on, a second time, to repeat the Entertainment ! — These Longinuses, call their metaphysical mudinesses, the 'criticism of Kant ;' — Sterne wou'd have called them as he did Garrick's detractors — the CJ cant of criti- cism.' 1 With a few directions, and thirty shillings per week, I would undertake to furnish the Sabbath Journals, with critics of the <' high intellectual'' Sunday-school of criticism, fifty at a time, as often as required. Any, man who can write two consecutive sentences, has but to follow these directions, and he is one of the C( high intellec- tual" at once, — viz : all writers of his own clique, he must invariably style, on the 'claw me, claw you principle,' * mas- ter spirits of the age' * scions of departed glory,' &c. &c # Everything that is commonplace and absurd, must, in ADVERTISEMENT. Yll them, be pronounced to be written in "a fine sense of spiritual individuality," and with u a keen relish of all the nicer im- pulses of our nature," while all writers that are not of their own lick-spittle coterie, must be, as Sam Weller would say, — wice-worser! — all must be done by broad assertion. Proof must be studiously avoided, as it is much easier and safer, to say a thing* is either good or bad, than to attempt to shew it : — but enough of such absurdities ! the public will soon beg-in to feel with me their gorge rise, at any article in which such phrases, as "finespint of individuality," "keen relish of all the more refined impulses of our nature" — *' ex- quisite sense of humanity," &c. &c. appear ; — they will exclaim, — oh ! this is one of the f 4 high intellectual" Sun- day-school of criticism articles, and reserve it till they wish to be read off to sleep. Let me come to a more grateful task, and return my most sincere acknowledgements, to those to whose exertions and abilities, I am so mainly indebted for my success:— By his impersonation of Sam Weller, Mr. Hammond has placed himself at the very head of his profession, — it is one of the most perfect performances the British Stage can now boast of — it is nature presented to us, through the most refined art — the gross caricature and loose liberties^ now indulged in by most of our first comic actors, are no where visible in him — he gives his author, or, as the u high intellectual" would have it — his authors — with the utmost chasteness and truth; and in getting-np the drama, proved himself, and I think I am some sort of authority on this subject, as excellent a stage-manager as he is a good actor: — in both departments, he may have his equal, but certainly, not his superior. Mr, Hall> Mr. ATTWOap, VIII ADVERTISEMENT. Mr. Lee, Mr. A, Young, Mr. Richardson, Mrs. Ham- mond, and Miss Daly, — but why be invidious? in short, every one who have any thing to do, in which the least talent can be displayed, acquit themselves with a zeal and success, that are perfectly beyond all praise, and which demand and receive my very best thanks. I will defy the ^whole histrionic talent of England,to personate the principal portion of the Dramatis Personse of Sam Weller, with gTeater ability than is displayed by them at the Strand Theatre ; and earnestly hope it will lead Mr. Dickens speedily to concoct another delightful < ; Pickwick Club/' --and that he will dramatise it himself, that the " high intellectual's" satisfaction may have no possible alloy. England, now that she has such writers as Mr.Dicken, William Clarke, (the author of «' The Cigar and Three Courses, ")# Theodore Hook, Thomas Hood, Samuel Lover, &c. &c. &c. — kindred spirits ! all — may truly be called '< Merry England'' as of Old Time; and long! long ! maj r she continue so. [Some of the Parodies in this Drama are omitted on the Stage, on account of the length of the representation.] 93, Waterloo Road, Aug, 21, 1837. * Why does not this cjentleman, instead of wasting his time in compilations, employ himself on a " Pickwick ?" — He has every requisite! Who can for- get his exquisite Irish and North Country Stories, — his Gusto for " Auld Lang Syne," — his Reminiscenses of Old Italian and Spanish Lore, — and keen perception of the " Many Coloured Life" of the day \ SAM WELLER! ACT I. SCENE I. Entrance to Coach Yard of the White Hart Inn- — Bar and Coffee Room, on one side — Staircase, leading to range of Bed Rooms, on the other. Sam Weller, m an old white hat, red striped icaistcoat, with sleeves, yellow velveteen smalls, coloured stockings, and highlowsj discovered cleaning boots. Sam, (singing.) Vith von boot here,, and t'other boot there, Every kipple vill make a pair ! Enter Sally Chambermaid. Cham. Why, Sam— Sam, I say ; No. 22 wants his boots. Sam. Ax No. 22 vether he'll have 'em now, or vait till he gets 'em % Cham. Come — come — don't be a fool, Sam — the gentleman wants 'em directly. Sam. Veil — you are a nice young ooman, for a musical party, you are. Look at these here boots — eleven pair of boots and von shoe, as b'longs to No. 6, vith the vooden leg — the 11 boots to be call'd at half-past eight, and the B 2 SAM WELLER. shoe at nine. Who's No. 22, that he's to put all the others out? No— no, reg'lar rotation — as Jack Ketch said, vhen he tied up the male- factors, Cham. Ah ! I shall never make my money of you — you are the most lazy, idle, imperent thing as never was — but never mind — I've told you the gentleman wants his boots, and you'd better do 'em — and that's all about it. [Exit Chambermaid. Sam. Veil, ve sha'n't be bankrupts this here term, at all ewents ; though ve mayn't quite make our fortius. — No matter for that — ve can manage to eat our biled mutton vithout capers, and sha'n't care much for horse-radish vhile ve can get roast beef. Ve've got a reg'lar inn full. Let me see vhat customers ve have — there is a pair of Bluchers in 13, — two pair of halves in the commercial — there is these here painted tops in the snuggery, inside the bar — five more tops and a pair of Vellington's, wery much vorn, that looks as if they belongs to King Dick, in the coffee-room — von vooden leg, as I said afore, in No. 6 — and a pair of hessians — ditto lady's shoes, in private sitting room, No. 5 — I think there's a love affair between these here hessians and the female kids — if so, and the hessians is any thing of a gen'lman, he is vorth a shilling a day, let alone the errands — I must go and see arter 'em. [Exit Sam. Enter Pickwick, with Jack Rackstraw, a Cabman. Rack. Now r , sir ! here you are — all the vay from Gosvell-street. S A M W ELLE R . 6 Pick. You've come very quick, cabman ! Rack. Yes, sir ! wery quick — alvays does ! Pick How old is that horse of yours ! \ Rack. Forty-two, sir ! come next Boncaster! Pick. Bless me ! forty-two !— I must note that down — and how long do you keep him out at a time ? Rack. Vot's he taking down my number for? is he von of the Cruelty to Animals' chaps I vonder? (aside) Vy ve keeps him out two or three veeks at a time, tie lives at Penton- wille, vhen he's at home — but ve seldom takes him home, on account of his veakness. Pick. Astonishing ! — Rack. He alvays falls down vhen he's took out of the cab — but vhen he's ia it, ve bears him up wery tight, and takes him in wery short, so as he can't wery veil fall down — and then ve've got a pair of precious large vheels on, so vhen he does move, they run arter him, and he must go on, he can't help it. Pick. Wonderful ! the tenacity of life in ani- mals. Here'Il be information for the club ! — Here's your money, friend ! — {offering money to Rackstraw.) Rack. Vont's me to take more than my fare. I know'd he vas a hinformer. There's Tommy Dogsflesh, the hackney, on the stand — and Bill Mudlark, the vaterman on the crossing — so I'm blow'd if I don't have a touch at him, if I get six months for it. (aside.) Pick. Here's your money, my good man ! Rack. You be damned, and your money too ! —I'll have a turn-up vith you, for it— and give 4 SAM WELLE R. give you a pint to boot — old ogles. — (squares up to him.} Enter Winkle, Tupman, and Snodgrass, Snod. Eh! what alarm ?— what dire con fu^ sion ? — Rack. Ulloa, who are you? — palls! Here Tommy Dogsflesh— Bill Mudlark! (calling off.) Now, then, for all four of you — von down and t'other come on— or all at vonce if you likes it better.— Enter Tommy Dogsflesh and Bill Mudlark. Dog. Here's a lark— vot's the row — go to .v-erk, Jack — tip it him 942— give him von in his bread-basket.— Snod. Are you mad, man f*-l Win. Or drunk ? — Tup. Or both?— Rack. Neither, my coveys. — (sparring) — Vot did you take my number for, and put down all as I said, on purpose to aggrawate me to commit an assault— but I'll take the shine out of you. There's von for your nob. — (sparring at Pickwick, fyc.) Snod. Police ! — Police ! — (calling off.) Dog. (knocking his hat over his eyes.) I think you said Pelisse — does your mother know you're out? Mud. Go it, Tommy — never say die — sarve 'em out — put 'em under the pump — I hates all hinformers — hurrah ! (a general scuffle i) Enter Jingle, from Coffee Room, and Sam from opposite side. Jin. Ulloa, ulloa !— what's the fun here"? SAM WELLER, 5 Rack. Only giving a hinfoiHner Ins gruel — that's all.— Pick, I am no informer! — I deny the impu- tation ! — Jin. Ant ye — ant ye — I may profit by this — (aside.) I see it all — take yourself off, patent safety — it is entirely a mistake — very respecta- ble gentleman — so none of your nonsense. — Don't be down, sir — these little accidents will happen in the best reg'lated families — pull him up for it — five pounds and costs — or three months tread-mill — put that in your pipe and smoke it — like the flavour, eh ! — damned rascals ! Sam. Aye, aye! — cut your lucky — be off, young eightpenny. — Rack. Veil, I've knocked a double rat-tat on their mugs, to let 'em know who vas coming — that's von satisfaction— so now 111 be going, this vay, Tommy — ve'll take a drain at the Blue Posts. [Exit Rackstraw, followed by Dogsflesh and Mudlark. Jin. Eccentric rogues — but we've got rid of them — run Boots, tell the waiter to get glasses round — brandy and water-— hot and strong,-— sweet and plenty— raw beef steak for the gen- tleman's damaged eye — nothing like raw beef steak, sir — cold pump handle, very good — not always convenient — damn'd awkward— stand- ing two hours in the street, with eye against pump handle — very— eh ! Sam: I'll order 'em directly, sir! — glasses round — then in course they'll order von for me — queer chap, that — like nothing on earth but a suspicious character— as the papers say ! [Exit Sam, 6 SAM W E L L E R. Pick. You've rendered us a great service, sir — we must know each other better — my name is Pickwick, these are Messrs. Snodgrass, Tup- man, and Winkle, my friends, members of the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club, of which I have the honour to be founder and presi- dent. — We have just formed ourselves into an association in pursuit of knowledge — with liberty to pay our own expenses — and having a friend living in the neighbourhood of Rochester— our first excursion will be directed in that quarter. Jin. Something may come of this, (aside.) Rochester — how odd — going there myself — accompany you — lots of information! Pick. Most happy, sir — this will, indeed, be a most valuable acquisition! Jin. Say no more — settled tiling — all set ofF together— smart fellow 9 that cabman — handled his fives cleverly — but if Pd been your friend, in the green jemmy , here- — I'd have punch 'd his head in a pig's whisper — hackney too — 'gad would— no gammon — damn me. Enter Sam. Sam. Now, sir, brandy and vater's all ready, I've had my glass ; and I can assure you it's wery good — I speaks from experience. Jin. This way then— now for it — all right in no time. Exit Jingle folloived by Pickwick, Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle, into coffee-room. Sam. Rum blades, them ere— but ve sees all sorts here— vorst of being a boots is, it puts a stop to Iiaiiibitioii— you can't rise no higher, and the human mind naturally aspires: as the pick- S A M W E L L E R. 7 pocket said to the gallows : — I'm summat like a fly in a treacle-can — I should uncommonly like to change my sitivation, although the folks does call me a shining character — I emulates the great Wauxhall balloon — I'm for rising in the vorld — a boot is sich a sort of amphibbious profession, it hasn't any reg'lar standing in the list of trades. Veil, I must look for'anls, as the telescopes do — that ere chap in the shabby Vellingtons, is got into a good thing vith these here new comers — he look'd like vanting to join a company, and so he's joined them — ah, he's up to snuff, and a pinch or two over, he is ! — Oh ! here comes the gem man as had the turn up vith that illegitimate jarvey — he's vhat I should call, statistically speaking, comfortable. Enter Pickwick from coffee-room. Pick. A very comprehensive character, our new friend — he must be an honorary associate in our peregrinations — but there's one thing we've totally forgotten, that is, an assistant companion — in my knowledge of human nature, it struck me, that the boots, here, is a very in- telligent fellow ; besides which, these boots are very eligible for travelling, so with the sanction of my three companions — Oh ! here he is — a word with you my good fellow. Sam. Sir, to you — I'll just take off my lilly shallow, ant a wery good 'un to look at, but it's an astonishing 'un to vear — and afore the brim vent, it vas a wery handsome tile — however, it's lighter vithout it, that's von thing — and every hole lets in some air, that's another— Wentilla- tion gossamer. I calls it ! — 8 SAM WKLLER. Pick. It does indeed look light — but now to my business with you ! — Sam. Eh! that's the pint, sir! — out vith it — as the father said to the child, vhen it swallowed the fardcn ! — Pick. I want to know, in the first place, whether you've any reason to be discontented with your present situation ? — Sam. Afore I answer that ere question, sir, I should like to know vhether you're a-going to perwideme vith a better? — Pick. I've half made up my mind to engage you myself J — Sam. Have you, though ? — Pick. I have ! — Sam. Vages ? — Pick. Twelve pounds a year ! — Sam. Clothes'? Pick. Two suits — Sam. Vork % Pick. To attend upon me, and my three companions, in the coffee-room, there. — Sam. Take the bill down ! I'm let to a single gentleman — and the terms is agreed upon. Pick. You accept the situation 1 Sam. Certainly, if the clothes fit me half as veil, they'll do. Pick. You can get a character, of course, Sam. Ax the landlady about that. Pick. Can you engage at once ? Sam. I'll get into the clothes immediately, if they're here. Pick. You shall call at my tailor's in Picca- dilly, who will fit you directly — I am inclined to be satisfied with the inquiries I haye SAM WELLE R. 9 already made about you — Oh ! here come our friends. — Enter Snodgrass, Tupmhn, Winkle, and Jin- gle, from Coffee-room. Pick. Brother Pickwickians, I have the plea- sure to inform you that I've engaged — Sam. Samuel Veller, at your sarvice— Pick. To accompany us in our peregrinations — so now then, Mr.— Jin. Jingle, Alfred Jingle Esq , a gentleman of small property — very— (aside) and good character — I may say character, for I sustained the first line of business in the 'Kent Circuit; {aside) therefore we can start at once — mail coach — eh ! ya, hip, that's the way, {sings.) " Now then, Mr. Samuel Weller, Let's haste to the White Horse Cellar — Get a snack before we go." Sam. Vith all my heart, sir — I've only jist to take leave of the maids — mustn't go vithout leave, you know, sir — any luggage? (to Jingle.) Jin. Who, I? — only brown paper parcel, here, that's all — other luggage gone by water — large trunks — packing cases,, nail'd up, big as houses — 4ieavy — heavy — -damned heavy — very ! Sam. Hadn't I better call a truck to take this for you, mister ? Jin. Funny-— very funny ! — low comedy— never mind, will joke — come, genls, we must go. — You'll pay for the brandy and water. — You must mind when you pass through the gateway at Charing Cross*— take care of your heads — terrible place — dangerous work — very ! — t'other day — five children — mother — tali lady eating c 10 SAM WELLE R. sandwiches — forgot the arch — crash— -knock — children look'd round — mother's head gone — sandwich in her hand— no mouth to put it in — head of a family off — shocking — shocking! — very ! Pick. We'll take care — now then, brother Pickwickians — now then to commence our memo- rable peregrinations. Chorus, Qmnes. Am—"ViveleRoi:> Pickwicks on, o'er hill and dale; We'll from all, knowledge draw ! Far and near,, spread the tale — Boys hurrah ! boys hurrah ! Hearts thai fame, like ours, inspires, Critic frowns ne'er shall awe, Till our Club's last name expires — Boys hurrah ! boys hurrah ! \Eoceunt Omnes* SCENE II. Apartment in Mr. Warble's Mansion, Manor Farm y Dingley DelL Enter Isabella, Emily, and Aunt Rachel. Trio, O nines. Air— <( Nice Young Maidens." Fond and faithful, pure and fair, 1 Nice young maidens ! Why should we pine in despair, Born for loving, as we are ; Make us, God of Love, thy care, ' Nice young maidens ! SAM WELLER. 11 Why are we doom'd apes to lead, Nice young maidens ! Men were better, far, indeed. For young maidens ! Bachelors' — not to be named,— We to mend, should be asham'd ; Can we by any one be blam'd, Nice young maidens ! Isa. Ah ? nice young maidens, indeed; but Avhat's the use of our being such nice young maidens, if no nice young men ever come here to see how very nice we are. Em. Right, Isabella, dear ! — Heigho ! papa grows almost every thing at Dingley Dell — his own hogs— his own vegetables — his own mutton —his own poultry — what a pity it is, he can't grow a few young men as well. Rack. It is indeed, Emily, love ! Isa. Ah, poor aunt Rachel, I feel for you, with all my heart ! if it's annoying to us, who have not waited so very long for lovers— we have neither of us arrived at years of discretion, yet, what must it be for you, that have waited the time you have — it's terrible to think of. Rack. Time, indeed — but certainly time does seem long, when one's waiting — not, but it's partly my own fault, such chances as 1 have had ; such offers as have been made to me ; there was my dear Lothario, at Stoke Pogis, bitterly do \ repent my cruelty to him — heigho S Isa. Let me see, that was in the year one, I believe, aunt, wasn't it 'I Rack. Pert chit! no miss, it was not two years ago— it was when you was in your pin-: afore at school, eating bread and butter,— Isa, And a little sugar— poor aunt 12 SAM WELLEB, Enter Wardle, with letter* War, Good news, girls ! — good news ! — here Joe — Joe, I s&y— (calling)— -damn that boy, \\$s asleep again. Enter Fat Boy, drowsily. F. Boy. Yes, sir — yaw, aw. {snores and closes his eyes.) War. Confound you— you must be awake now — we must all be awake. Isa. Eh ! Why? what's the matter, papa ? Em. Oh, pray tell us, pa, I'm all anxiety to know. War. Matter, girl! this is the matter: — A letter from my old friend, Pickwick ! — "he's in the neighbourhood, with three young fellows — three members of his celebrated club. Rach. Young men ! — oh my susceptible heart ! Isa, Three young club-bites, glorious ! papa — i- you know I make war, in common with my sex, against all clubs, as anti-matrimonial and useless! —hearts and diamonds for me— but where ar^ they, papa ? Em. Aye, where are they 1 — a thousand romantic visions flit across my mind. War' They are coming here ; Pickwick has promised me a visit. Rach. But when? brother. Isa. and Em. Ah, when"? — when, papa? War. There's the rub — they have come to in- spect all that is worth seeing in the neighbour- hood — no doubt we shall find them at the Review! Isa. No doubt — no doubt— don't ? let us wait for them, papa, but set out in search of them ; SAM WELLER. 13 nothing like securing beaus to our bosoms when we can. Rack. So 1 say — thank heaven ! we shall, at last, have somebody else to visit us, besides the old clergyman and the justice of the peace. War. A very good idea, girls — we'll go and bring them here forthwith, I long to see my old friend, Pickwick, once again ; we shall have something to cheer us up now. Joe — Joe — damn that boy, he's asleep again. F. Boy. (waking) Yes, sir — yaw — aw. War. Order the barouche, directly ; we can go to the Review and the Rook-shooting, both under one — kill two birds with one stone, as the doc- tors say — there — there — away with you, he's fit for nothing, but to play the Somnambulist — he'll make a capital Sleep-walker. F. Bog. Yes, sir — yaw — aw. (snores, stum- bles, knocks his head against edge of scene, and exits. War. There's no time to waste, so on with your bonnets, and let's start directly, — this way r— this way. Isa. Em. and Aunt Bach. Delightful — charming — exquisitively agitatating ! f Exeunt Omnes. 14 SAM WELLE R . SCENE III. Itinerant Suttling Booths and Romantic Land- scape, near the JLines, Chatham. Canteen, Allycampajgn, Piemen, Countrymen, 8$c. discovered. Chorus, Omnes. Am- f< Follow the Drnm" Though 'tis not now the month of May, When bees from flower to floweret hum, The soldiers through the town march gay,, And the people flock to the sound of the drum ; Yes,, men and women, girls and boys, All jump up as they hear the noise, And from their houses, out they come, To see the soldiers, and hear the drum. Though 'tis not now, &c. Distant noise of artillery heard without. Can. There they go it — there they go it — they're hard at it — now then, Allycampaign, have you got the ginger pop, and the brandy balls ready, for these military, after they've gone through their manoeuvres ; for they'll be coming here to bivouac, you know. Ally. Aye — aye— they'll have their vhack, I know that, well enough, master. Can. And have you got the chine, that we made, ready for the light horse and cavalry, to cut into ; and the double stout, for the artillery. (artillery heard without.} There they go again, they'll be as hungry as sharp-shooters. soon. SAM WELLfeR, 15 Ally. Every thing is ready, so they may come and perform their manoeuvres as soon as they like ; the sham fight must be nearly over by this time. I can't see, for my part, what's the use of a sham fight, it all ends in smoke — if they kill'd one another in real arnest, there would be something worth looking at — summat to amuse the ladies ! this make-belief is only wasting powder and shot. Can, Talking of shot, mind you look sharp after the shot — but eh ! here's the gentry a-coming, I must go in and get the sandwiches and bottled porter ready — ah, there is nothing like a review, and we has one quarterly here, though they never gives any quarter. — Come boys. \Eocit Canteen, Allycampaxgn, 8fc. into booth. Enter Wardle, Aunt Rachel, Emily, Isabella, and Fat Boy. War. No signs of my friend, Pickwick, and I have look'd all among the heavy dragroons. Isa. And not a stranger to be seen among the light infantry — how provoking J Em. I hope we havn't miss'd them, heigho ! War. Joe — Joe — I say — damn that boy, he's asleep again — fell asleep while they were firing off the cannon — why, Joe — I say— - F. Boy. Yes, sir, I am up — yaw, aw. War. Up ! confound you — look out, and see if you can discover any strangers. F. Boy. I will, sir ! — ( Yawns, shuts his eyes, and snores.} War. Was there ever such a fellow*— Is that IS S A M WE L L ER, the way you look out? Shutting your eyes, sirrah ! F. Boy. Yes, sir ! (snores.) I'm going. (jjawns.) War. Ah ! to the land of Nod ! There never was such a rascal ! Isa. It ceutainly has been a grand sight ! this Review — and does honour to the troops. Song, Isabella. Air — and there a lad, And every where a lad ! And Oh, my jolly boys, will you come with me, All o'er the hills so green, oh ! Come my jolly boys, will you come with me, To see my cocks and hens ; With a tuck, tuck, here, &c. Come my merry men, will you come with me, To see my Suffolk pigs ; With a week, week, here, &c. [Exeunt O runes. * Adapted "by Alexander Lee to the words M Ccrne, come my Merry Men," &c. and susg at Vauxhall Gardens. 28 S A J\r \V ELLE K . SCENE V. Arbour and Garden of Manor Farm. Enter Aunt Rachel, Isabella, and Emily. Snatch, Omnes. Air — ' * Here in Cool Grot and Moss?/ Cell." Here, in cool shades, in Dingley Deli, We single maids and spinsters dwell ! Here from man's dominion free, We rove and sigh in liberty ! Enter Fat Boy, {staring very strangely.} Isa. Eh! bless me! what's the matter— Joe seems agitated — something very extraordinary and alarming must have happened, to move him. For heaven's sake! Joe— what horrid event? — • F. Boy. {yawns.} Isa. No— no ! — speak — tell us— Em. Good heaven's — I hope no accident % Rack. Surely the dear man— tell me Joe, I conjure you — what fatal — F. Boy. Oh ! mistress — mistress — dreadful news — he's kill'd — -yaw— aw !— - Racily Isa., and Em. {severally} Mercy on us | who 1 — speak — speak ! F. Boy. Mr. — yaw — aw — aw ! Rack , Isa., and Em. {severally pulling Fat Boy.} Who? my dear Augustus?— Poor Natty? — Mr. Tupman *?— tell us instantly— who % — F. Boy. That's what I'm going to do. Mr. —yaw — aw !— Rack.. Isa., and Em. {severally pulling Fat Boy.} This suspense — this anxiety — this alarm —it rqust be — in mercy — pity — Joe ! — F. Boy. Yes ? it is Mr.— yaw — aw— aw! S A M WELLER. 29 Hack. ha. and Em. {severally pulling and shaking Fat Boy) Distraction — agony— despair. Enter Tupman, his arm in a sling. Rach. Ah! there's blood upon his arm — he's killed, {screams faints, and is caught by Fat Boy, who falling asleep, almost lets her down.) Isa. Aunt! aunt! throw some water over her, Joe. F. Boy. (snores.) Isa. Bless me. he's asleep again! how pro- voking, Rach. No, No, I am better — is he wounded — is he dead — is he ? ha ! ha ! (hysterically) tell me, are you dead"? (to Tupman.) Tup. Touching sensibility— no — no, compose yourself, dearest madam — I pledge you my honour, I am not dead, only shot. — - Rach. Through the heart ? — Isa. With an arrow? — oh Cupid! Cupid! Tup. No, no, in the arm, with a gun ! Mr. Winkle, mistook me for a Rook, that was all. Isa. Mercy on me, I hope he will take aim better with me. (aside.) Rach. 'Tis his voice, he yet may be re- covered, dear man, go for a surgeon: Tup. Matchless affection — no, no, I'm only a little faint — a glass of negus and a sandwich, with a little diaculnm plaister, is all I shall re- quire to restore me. Isa.. We will go and see it prepared for you instantly — come Emily — let us leave the doves together, for a short time — poor things — follow us, Joe. \ Exeunt Isabella and Emily. F. Boy, (Yawning) I'm a coming—they're 30 8 AM WELL ER, always a-saying I'm a-sleep — I'll shew. them I can be awake sometimes! (aside.) — I'm only going to shut the hot-house windows. (Exit Fat Boy on one side, yawning and snoring.) Tup. Oh, Miss Rachel, dear, enchanting, Miss Rachel ! how can I repay you for the generous sympathy you've evinced in my behalf ! all powerful deity of Love ! — Rack. Love ! Tup. Yes, angel of a woman ! Rack. Angel! Tup. I repeat the term — I die for you ! Rack. Is your wound, then, worse? Tup. No — no — say but you love me. Rack. What will my mother say ? Tup. The deaf old lady, I met on entering! does she know you're out ? if not, she need know nothing of the matter — she might talk of youth, of inexperience else, and blight our happiness — let us only consult ourselves — a post chaise at midnight — an elopement — the Blue Lion, Mug- gleton ! — Rack. An elopement! — no — no/it is too rash a step ; what will the world — Tup. We are our own world, Divinity ! Enchantress ! Rack. Seductive man, I can't resist you — all powerful passion must excuse me, (Tupman kneels, takes Rachel's hand and kisses it pas- sionately.) Enter Fat Boy unseen* — gazes at them, and gives a loud snore — they both start — Rachel screams. Rack, Mercy on me, what's that % SAM W EL LEU. 3i Tup, Discovered. F. Boy. I'm only dreaming — -there's young; missus's are quite awake, though — yaw-— aw ! —{loud laugh heard without.) Enter Isabella and Emily on each side — Isa- bella with negus, and Emily with plaister. ha. Don't let us disturb you, aunt, I beg. — Em. We've only brought the plaister and negus. Isa. Hope you find yourself better ; but I see you are — ah, there's nothing like sympathy* Tup. Curse that Fat Boy — but he can't have overheard our assignation, {aside.) Isa. We wont mention anything, if Joe don't. Em. And I'm sure he wont ; that is, if he knows it — only, unfortunately, he's a habit of talking in his sleep. F. Boy. Yes — I [talks in my sleep, (snores.) Tup. What's to be done 1 I must burke or smother him. (aside.) Isa. What can detain papa, and poor Mr. Winkle. Em. Is my Augustus unfaithful ? C noise without ) Enter Pickwick, Wardle, Snodgrass, and WiNKLE^intOcvicated ; attended by Jingle and Sam — the latter supporting Pickwick,— Jin- gle leading Wardle, — and Snodgrass and Winkle supporting one another, War. (singing.) — We are nae fou yet, we are nae fou yet, But just a wee drap in the ee ; The Cock may craw, the day may d^w, ; But aye, we'll takethe Barley bree!j 32 SAM WELLER, Sam. Hold up, sir! — hold up, sir! Isa. Good heavens! is anything the matter ? Pick, (hiccupping) Nothing's the matter — we— we're all right ! — I say, Wardle, aint we ? War. I should think so. — My dears, here's. Mr, Pickwick's friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon a little visit. — Rach. (aside.) Amazement ! who do I see? — my long lost loved Lothario? — Be still my heart ! Jin. (aside.) What the devil— my Lucretia Mactab, of Hookem Snivey. — Here's a turn up — mum ! — Em. Dear me — how very queer my Augus- tus looks, (aside) Is there anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass ? Jin. Nothing the matter, ma'am — Cricket- Dinner — Glorious Party — Capital Songs — Elo- quent Speeches — Old Port — Claret — good- very good — wine ma'am, — wine — (sings^) Bacchus ! Bacchus I adore thee ! Snod. It wasn't the wine — Celestial creature ! —it was the salmon. — Sam. It's wery odd — but vhen a gentl'man gets drunk, it somehow never is the vine as makes him so ! — Mr. Snodgrass is only a little elewated, ma'am — Mr. Vinkte, here, has bin a bit in the sun too, vhile your papa and the governor has bin making themselves com- fortable — they only vants forty vinks to be all right agin — -young Kitchen-stuff, here, can shew 'em the vay to a sophy. Win. I won't go to any sophy — I'll go out a tiger-shooting — where's some young biiffalos f \ SAM WELLER. 33 Sa?n. (pointing to Fat Boy) Here's von, sir. F. Boy. (snores.) lsa. My admirer has been out sporting for something — they must have a nap and some soda water, or they'll miss our Chrimas Eve festivities. Win. Let's .have another bottle, Wardle — lend me a dog, and I'll go out a Bat-shooting — didn't half shoot that Tupman, this morning. Rack. Sanguinary monster ! Jin. Dog — Bat-shooting ! — Dogs, fine animals — sagacious creatures — dog of my own once. — Pointer — surprizing instinct! — out shooting one day — entering inclosure — whistled — no go ! — stock still— call'd him— " Ponto ! Ponto!"— wouldn't move— stood transfixed — staring at a board — looked up — saw an inscription — "Game- keeper ordered to shoot all dogs found in this inclosure." — Wouldn't pass it — wonderful dog — valuable Canis — that — very ! Isa. You'd better lie down, Mr. Winkle. Win. I'll never lie down, (falls down.) War. Hurrah ! — Joe, attend to Mr. Winkle — damn that boy — he's — yaw r — aw ! — asleep — asleep, (sleeps, snores.) F. Boy. I'll accompany you, sir ! — (snores, leads his master off, both snoring.) Tup. I'll be magnanimous ; though he shot me in the morning— as he seems a dead man now — I'll take care of him. Isa. Do, pray sir! — It's only the fresh air! Tup. (Picks Winkle up, and leads him off, he exclaiming, weeping) — Oh ! if my mother did but know I was out ! — Snod. (Hiccuping.) It was'nt the Hare — > 34 SAM WELLER. t'was the pickled salmon— it's got in my head — I must have some brandy to keep it down — more salmon — a little cold punch — no body shall lead me — I feel the inspiration of the muse — oh, let me quaff the Heliconian Fount— pickled salmon, a cock salmon ! (Reels off.} Em. Dear Mr, Snodgrass, how particularly shocking ! Sam. How werry happy they all are— and vhat's the odds, so long as you're happy ! — now governor, sir !— Pick. Hurrah ! (throws Ms spectacles down > and dances.} Sam. How wery veil he does it — Now, sir ! if you please — for Bedfordshire ! Pick. I shall only go by the coach ! — Sam. f taking him on his back) Here you are, sir! — outside place— all right behind, sir! — (car- ries off Pickwick^ on his back — he exclaiming) — Take care of my luggage ! — Rach. What a terribly shocking scene ! — Em. Young men are so soon led away — my papa — and Mr. Pickwick, should have known better. Isa. (to Jingle) Very disgusting, — aint it, sir?— Jin. Dreadful — dreadful — horrid spectacle — quite boys — havn't drunk so much as I have, by a bottle and a half (aside) better go and look after 'em — must speak to old woman, here — (aside) do themselves a mischief, perhaps. Em. Heaven forbid! — I must'ntlose a moment come, Bella! [Exeunt Isabella and Emily. Jin. Hem ! — coast clear — good opportunity very !■ — (aside.) — Calista ! S A M WELLE 11. 35 Rack. Lothario! Ha! {the?/ rush into each others arms.} How is it I see you — after so long an absence ? Jin % Faithless woman — driven to despair — left Hookein Snivey — English Legion — Queen of Spain — Major General— Spanish Donna — Old Bolero Fizgig's only daughter, Christina — Grandee — splendid creature— loved me to dis- traction — Jealous Father — high-soul'd daughter — handsome Englishman — Donna Christina, in despair — Prussic Acid — Stomach pump in port- mantua — Operation performed — Old Bolero in extacies — Consent to our union — join hands, floods of tears — Romantic story ! — very ! Rack. Oh, then you've proved false to your vows, as well as me — she lives ? — Jin. No — no !-— dead— never recovered the Stomach Pump — undermined the constitution — - fell a victim— I am now free — take Prussic Acid myself — Perfidious, false Calista ! — Rach. Oh, Lothario ! never should I have yielded to Mr. Tupman, but for your absence. — Jin. (aside.) Oh — oh ! — the cat jumps that way — Tupman — the horrid reprobate — Giovanni the Sixteenth— only wants your money — seven trials for bigamy— Poor-Law Commisioners after him now — Rach. Garcious heavens \ — and I've promised to elope with him, to night. — Oh, Lothario !— Lothario I — terrible situation — what shall I do 1 Jin. Leave all to me— I'll save you yet-— Elope.— Rach. Elope !— Jin. Yes — a post chaise from the Blue Lion -~ vny tiger shall manage all— Dismal Jimmy is m 36 SAMWELLER. the kitchen — have got Bleeding Nun's dress- make assignation — meet him in the garden — Joe there instead — lead him into horse- pond — pop you, mean time, in the chaise— off to London- get married— forgive — never do so any more ! — - Come, say it is to be — it is— see it all— yielding eye. (sings.') In hurry post haste for a licence, In hurry, ding dong, I'll come back. It's all settled— we shall be happy — very — very ' one kiss ! Rack. I can refuse you nothing. Jin. Rum old girl — have her at last, (aside , as he's embracing.) Enter Fat Boy. F. Boy. Why, she was kissing t'other gentle- man just now— master will whop me for telling lies— swear I was dreaming — (aside.)— you are wanted in the kitchen, Mister., for the revels ! they've hung up the misletoe. Jin. I wish you was hung up— (aside) — Com- ing directly— kiss 'em all — practising for it now. F. Boy. (grinning J Yes, I see! Jin. Gk> to the devil with you, (hicks Fat Boy off.) Now for Tupman — borrow ten pounds — arrange plan— carry off old girl ! — -glorious idea— very— very ! — This way — this way ! — [Exeunt Ambo, SAM WELLER. 37 SCENE VI. Old English Servants Hall — Manor Farm — Large Fire — Misletoe in the centre fyc. JEnter Sam Weller, surrounded by Mary Summers, and a group of Servant Maids, Country Bumpkins, Sfc. Chorus, Omnes. Air — " Old Christmas Carrol.'" j Now rest ye, merry gentlemen, Let nothing you dismay, Old Christmas it is come again, Therefore we should be gay — Should sport and lajugh, and sing and quaff, To hail this happy day, Which brings tidings of comfort and joy ! Sam. Now then 9 young vimmen, as Christmas comes butyonce a year, it's wery meritorious that ve should make the most of it, so ve'll go to vork impromtu ! — -Quite a proper contrivance, this here misletoe — I vonder vho inwented it — there cer- tainly is nothing that substitutes so veil for pating and drinking, as kissing does—he must ha' bin wery hungry as first thought on't, vich fully accounts for it, for hunger sharpens vft ? they say, so he must ha' bin wery sharp set, almost as sharp set as I am — so here goes, (is qhout to kiss maids, they scream.) Mary. Oh lor! Mr, Weller, there must be no kissing before master and the young ladies. Sam. You are the wery moral of prudence and propriety, my dear! jist vhat I say, so I shall take the extreme small liberty of kissing you all behind their backs. Mary. Oh, fie ! Mr. Weller, that aint it— 38 SAM WELL ER, master and the young ladies always sets the ex- ample and kisses first. Sam. Vy, You quite deals in paradoxes here —as the charity boy said to his ABC, vhen he couldn't make it out. Veil, I must keep my appetite, I suppose, and take double allowance vhen I does get it, on account of having fasted. Oh, here comes master and the gentlefolks, they have voke up as fresh as daisies — ah, there's nothing like getting intoxicated in fine veather, you does recover so wery soon, and this here has bin quvite a September day — -so wery mild and clear— I shouldn't mind, for my part, if there vas to come a trifle of snow— it don't look like Christ- mas vithout it — I likes every thing as is season- able, as the man said vhen he cried over the mustard-pot. Enter Warble, Pickwick, Snodgrass, Tupman, Winkle, Jingle, Aunt Raghsl, Isabella, and Emily, followed hy Fat Boy. War. The wine was rather strong, faith ; but thanks to sleep and soda water, we're now all right again— now my boys we are all ready for the revels. ha. Hope vou feel no farther ill effects from the salmon, Mr. Snodgrass ? Em* Or the sauce, eh ! sister ! Snod. 'Twas all a wild phantasma, lovely crea- ture— imagination's airy trickery ! Sam- I could ha sworn now, as it vas the cold punch — vhat a thing it is to be poetical, (aside.) Isa. Do you usually do such execution, as bring down your man, vyhen you fire with grape shot, Mr. Winkle % 6 A M W ELLER, cSJ Win. Quarter — quarter! Miss Isabella — don't make game of me — I should have shot better only I'm not quite used to the guns, yet. Jin. {aside to Tupman) Mind what I've said — word to the wise ! — True Friend — very ! — Tap. You are — you are ! -—borrowed ten pounds of me, just now — Noble confidence — I trust all to you ! Jin. You can't do better — got your order for the post chaise — all right — settled every thing — got all in readiness. — In the midst of the dance, I'll steal out — prepare matters — old Girl will fol- low — you wait a few moments — then steal after her — find her waiting at door. — Off with you — she knows private outlet — mind, not a word to your Venus, before company — Fat Boy has seen you — spoil every thing. — Tap. My dear friend — I'll take care — I burn with all the impatience of ardour and passion ! Jin. Mum ! — War. What are we waiting for? — 'tis time out- revelry commenc'd — are all the servants assem- bled % Sam. Ve are all here, sir! — as the Pensioners say, on pay day. War. According to the good old custom, in our family, from time immemorial, every one must enjoy themselves to night, high and low- — rich and poor — Master and servants. Jin. Capital custom — very ! — Christmas Car- ols — waiting for waits — Elder Wine for the young folks— Mince Pies — Wassail Bowl — Ale and Apples — Blindman's Buff — Forfeits — Country Dance — Hunt the Slipper — -Kiss in the Ring — Snap-dragon — pleasant — very ! 40 SAM WELLER. War. Talking of Snap-dragon — where's Joe ? Joe, — damn that boy, he's asleep again ! No mat- ter — the Snap-dragon will wake him — he'll burn Ins fingers if he sleeps over that. — Why Joe, — Joe ! F. Boy. (snores.) War. Oh, there you are ! — bring in the Was- sail Bowl ! — F. Boy. I aint forgot that — I'm not asleep — here it is l-^( Wassail Bowl brought in by two Servants.) Pick. A noble sight — why should such gener- ous customs — the fount of hospitality — the glory of Old England — ever be suffered to decay '? War. Bravo ! bravo ! — let it go round — and to encourage you to drink deeply, friends, I'll give you " A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year W $a?7i. And wery proper— now then, boys,— three cheers— good vons— take 'em from me. Omnes, (led by Sam.) Hurrah ! — Hurrah — Hurrah ! — Sam. A little, von in— as Vellington said vhen he sprung the mine in the town, and blow'd up the citadel. — " Von cheer more !' ? Omnes. Hurrah! — (the Wassail Bowl is passed round, all drink, Sam, a la Jobson, gels double allowance.) F. Boy. {nearly choakes himself with roasted apple getting into his mouth.) I must keep watch to night — for I've got to keep watch in tiie garden — young Mistressses has promised me a double share of mince pies — besides some of the Turkey — I must mind nobody don't see me — Constable Dick and his man are all ready, behind the pails — yaw — aw I — SAM WELL Ell. 41 Sam. Vbat's young Opium-eater about, that he looks so lively — lie aint choaked himself) has lie % — {aside?) War. Eh ! the conviviality stopping — I must volunteer a song — you must all bear chorus.-— Sam. Ill bear chorus, sir; follow me, girls ! F. Boy. Singing always sets me asleep — 111 take my post, while I can. {steals off iinji er- ceived.) Song and Chorus, Wardle and Omnes. Air — ' * Old English Gentleman . ' ' I love the good old Customs, and the good old Times revere, When the good old Hospitality, at Christmas time, would cheer> With good Plumb Pudding and Roast Beef, and humming Nut- brown Beer, The hearts of all the Poor around, for more than half s year ; — Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time ! Like a Good Old English, See. I love'the good old Christmas Fires, round which, still pass'd the joke ; The good old Christmas Carols, that of peace and joy still spoke, The good old Christmas Boxes, that still lighten'd labour's yoke> And the good old Christmas garnish, too, the Holly and the Oak !— *• Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time. Like a Good Old English, &c. My good old Ancestors still kept them up, for many a day ; Old England's boast and comfort too, oh ! ne'er may they decay ! But, cheering young and old, be by their sons preserved for aye, J And, glad their children's hearts, long after they have pass'd away ! — Like a Good Old English Gentleman, all of the olden time ! Like a Good Old English, &c. [Storm begins to rise, without, wind, 8?c. War. Eh ! what's that? the wind rising! — a drift of snow, falling too ? — this is as it should be — Give the fire another poke, Mr. Weller— let the Wassail bowl go round — 'To the girls we love I' — and then, hey for the misletoe !— Sam. Hear ! hear ! hear ! — I'll poke the fire, G 42 SAM WELLER. sir ! — and send the Vassail bowl round. — A regular genTman that' — independant of his breeding — such vvery nice pork! Snod. Mystic branch ! — devoted to Love's chaste salutes ! — I shall perform thy Druid rites, with all the purity of high Poetic feeling! Em. {aside) There's no occasion for his being too particular about his Poetic purity — I shall be quite satisfied with his kissing like or- dinary men ! Rack. I'm all in a tremble — this misletoe is so very awful ! — It does put such thoughts into one's head, especially when one's on the very eve of an elopement — innocence preserve me ! I dare notjook at Mr. Tupman — Oh ! Lothario — Lothario ! — {aside.) Isa. My poor swain, Mr. Winkle, looks as if he was going sporting without a certificate — he seems to be afraid of trespassing — I must give him a little encouragement — or we shall have no sport at all. Harkye, girls! — (to Emily, Sfc.) Mr. Pickwick — (whispers.) Em. (aside to Isabella.) But how are we to get him under the misletoe % Isa. I'll drop my handkerchief — you know his gallantry ? — (Isabella walks under the misletoe and drops her handkerchief.) Pick. You've dropp'cl something Miss Bella — permit me, — (advancing wider misletoe, Isa- bella, Emily, and 31aids suddenly surround him, and begin kissing him under the misletoe^ one after the other, he struggles — all laugh.) War. The baggages ! fairly caught by Jove 6 Pickwick. — S?iod, Orpheus with the Thracian maids. — SAM WELLER. 43 Tup. Titillating situation ! — I hope they won't serve me so ! nature could not support it ! Win. (aside) Never saw Buck -hunting before. Sam. I shouldn't mind being sarved that vav, every day in the veek, Sunday's iucluded ! as the sick man said vhen he took the treacle posset. Rack. That is not fair, my dear neices ; no person should be kiss'd by more than six at once. War. Very well 5 sister Rachel ! but come — come — that there may be no partiality, and that every one may be kiss'd in their tarn — Isabella, girl, start off the misletoe dance. Jin. (aside to Rachel) Calista, love, watch opportunity — follow my leader, (aside to Tup- man.) Tupman, look out — nothing can be better — capital chance — very ! — Rack, (aside) Excruciating agitation— -oh my virgin heart ! — oh, Lothario ! War. Now then, are you ail ready ? now Isabella ! — Sam. l'malvays ready — not at all partie'lar about turns — takes 'em as I can catch 'em — and thank'ee too, as the old ooman said to the fleas, Pick. Wait till I can get my breath, these young devils, — angels I mean, have nearly suf- focated me with sweets. War. Now, Isabella ! Song, Isabella. Air— U Oh the Misletoe Bough " The Misletoe Bough hangs in the hall, The Holly branch, shines on the old oak wall ; The squire's retainers are blythe and gay, Keeping their Christmas holiday, 44 SAM WELLER, The Mystic Kiss must soon be given, Will raise our thoughts from earth to heaven ! For ah 1 that kiss, with rapture rife, Will soon make many a maid, a wife ! Oh, the Misletoe Bough ! &c. Win. (aside) The ladies breaking cover — then it's clearly the first of September. So hey for partridge shooting ! Misletoe Kissing Dance ! Am — li Petticoat Loose. 9 ' Warble and Aunt Rachel lead off, kits under the Misletoe, followed by Winkle and Isabella, — Snodgrass and Emily, — Pickwick and Jingle,- — 8am and the other Men, with the Maids, &c. During the progress of the Dance, Jingle slips away, followed by Rachel, and afterwards by Tupman. The Dance is finished by Sam, in the enthusiasm of the moment, hissing the Maids all round amidst general shrieks. Mary. Imperent feller ! Pick. Sam— Sam !— Sam* Natur, sir!— natur, sir! — as the cat said vhen she eat the go!d fish — if they hadn't kiss'd you all round, you'd ha' done jist the same. Pick, (tickled.) 'Egad, I don't know but I should, Sam. War. Very good, Mr. Weller. But, hey ! where's Rachel?— where's Tupman ? — Ism. {maliciously.) Oh, they'll be heard of all in good time, papa !— Enter Fat Boy, yawning, followed by Consta- bles, with Tupman, and Job Trotter, in female dress, covered with large mantle. SAM WELLER, 45 F. Boy. I've kotch'd 'em — the lovyeis were jist getting over the garden wall. tVar. Caught, who? — F. Boy. The old gentleman, here, and Miss Rachel — you can't say I'm not awake now, master? — {snores and falls asleep.} fVar. What the devil ! Tupman and my sister ?— Why you hussey ! at your age, — well may you hide your face. Uncloak the brazen baggage. Sam. Ill do that, sir! — Now ma'am, you must diskiver yourself, if you please — as the telescope said to the Dog Star. (Pulls off mantle and discovers Job Trotter.) War. What the devil ! Mr. Jingle's servant I Damn that Fat Boy, — let me get at him — I'll murder him, the villain J— F. Boy. No don't — I aint no w 7 illin— let me go to bed — hide in the blankets — yaw — aw !— {Women screen I 7 at Boy — Pickwick holds Wardle — Job Trotter sneaks off, getting a hick from Mr. Weller as he goes — Tupman stands stupified with horror— Isabella and Emily look on with malicious expectation.) War. I wont be held — but, ulloa ! w here's my dear friend, Jingle % — and where the devil, I say again, is Rachel, the old fool % — Enter Landlord of the Blue Lion, Muggleton. Land. Bad news, Squire — but it warn't my fault — tried to stop 'em, but couldn't — strange gentleman came from your house, to the Lion— — got t'other strange gentleman's post-chaise, that he'd order'd, and rode off with Miss Rachel. War. Damn me if it aint Jingle ! 46 SAM WELLER. F. Boy. (waking.} Now am I a willin ? — Tup. Treacherous faithless woman ! Sam. Wery bad, sir ! — carrying off your sveetheart. Tup. That's not all — he's carried off my ten pounds, too. But I'll be revenged — Fll pursue him — serve him with a copy of a writ. Isa. and Em. Love will have its way, papa ! — Young folks ! — War. Love, the devil! — the old tabby. Give orders for post horses — will no one go with me ? Pick. I will, for the honour of the Pickwick- ians| Sam. And I vill, 'cause it's my duty — as the soldier said, vhen he vent to be shot at, for six- pence a-day ! — War. Thanks ! — thanks ! — let's be off at once, then — I'll not sleep till I have overtaken them. Finale, Omnes. Air — rder, now.— War. Is it possible ? — Sam. Lord, sir ! — that's nothing] — the night afore the last day of the last election, here — I've heard, the hopposition party bribed the bar maid pf the Peacock, to hocus the brandy and vater, of 62 SAM WELLE R. fourteen of the unpoll'd electors, as vas stoppin in the house. War. Hocussing brandy and water ! Sam. Yes, sir — puttin laud'num in it — blest if she didn't send 'era all to sleep, till twelve hours arter the election vas over. — War. Strange practices these, Mr. Weller ! Sam. Not half so strange as a mirack'lous cir- cumstance, as happen'd to my own father, at an election time, in this ere wery place, Mr. Vaddle. War. What was that, Mr. Weller ? Sam. Vy> he drives a coach through here, sir ! Vell 3 election time comes on — and he vas engag'd by von party to bring down woters from Lunnon — night afore he vas going to drive up — com- mittee on 'tother side, sends for him — veil he vent, and wery ciwil they vas to him, to be sure — vine, and all that— at last, arter a bushel o' gammon 3 they slips a twventy pound note into his hand — and says, " It's a wery bad road 'tvixt here and Lunnon, aint it ?" " Wery," says father i — u 'specially near the canal/' M Veil, Mr. Vel- ler," says the gen'lman— c '"you're a wery good vhip, and ve're all wery fond on you — and if you shou'd hav' a haccident, and tip these ere woters over into the canal, vithout hurtin on 'em, that pre twventy pounds is for yourself."— " You're wery kind," says my father. 5 '— So he goes— and y hat's wery remarkable — the wery next day— on the wery spot, they'd mention'd— blow'd if he clidn't spill 'em all into the wery 'dentical vater —and von old geq'lman newer vas found agin — I only mention this, as a hextraordinary vonder- ful coincidence — as the two brothers said, vhen (hey vas going to be hang'd toghther. — (hur? SAM WELLER. pT 63 raing heard without) — But look out, sir! look out — here comes our party — here comes the gowernor. — "Slumkey for ever/ {Mob outside, hurrah !) Enter, in Procession, Mr. Pickwick, the Honour- able Mr. Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, Mr. Tupman, Drunken Liberal, and Slumkey's party, Male and Female, with favors, fyc. Chorus, Sam and Slumkey's Party. I Air — " Hurrah ! for the Bonmts of Blue /" Here's a health to the Friends of Reform, Electors who're honest and true ; And may those who will not vote for Eatanswill's good, Like our colors, be made to look blue ! Tis good to be Liberal Whigs, Tis good to be honest and true ; 'Tis good to support noble Slumkey's cause, And vote for the Triumph of Blue ! Hurrah, &c. (Pickwick and Slumkey, ascend Hustings.) Enter, in Procession, the other side, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, Mayor, Cryer, Jingle, Trotter, and their Party. Chorus, Trotter and Fizkin's Party. Air — "March, March, Ettrick and Teviotdale," March — march, Destructives and Radicals, ' Break their heads lads, you who're friends to good order • March — march, Democrats Jacobins, Make their Blue Colors yield to the Recorder ! Many a Freeholder, Many a be-holder, We have address'd, with the old Tory story ; Shout, and in Eatanswill, You shall all have your fill, Let the Blue Party be thrown in disorder ! March-— march, &c. G4 SA M W E LLER. (Mayor and Cryer take centre place — Fizkin and Jingle ascend Hustings, P.S. — Job Trot- ter and Sam head their respective parties, on each side, who shout vigorously, pushing each other about, " Slumkey for ever," •' Fizkin for ever,' " No Slumkey" iC No Fizkin" Sfc. fyc. Cryer rings bell.) May. Silence ! — Order ! — Hear — hear ! D. Lib. Success to the Mayor — and may he never forgit the nail and saucepan business, as he got his money by — that's my sentiments* Cry. {ringing hell.) Silence ! — May. Gentlemen ! — M. Sel. Veil, ve hears you — go on. — May. Worthy and Independent Electors of Eatanswill — we are met here, to day, to choose a fit and proper representative, to represent this ancient and loyal Borough ! — Sam. Trot., and their two parties, (tnmul- tuously.) "Slumkey for ever," " Fizkin for ever/' &c. &c. Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence! — Silence! — B. Sin. Does your mother know you're out, old feller ?— M. Sel. {throwing dead cat at Cryer.) There's a plumper, for you ! May. Order! — Order!— or I'll commit the whole of you ! — B. Sin. I thinks you said commit ! — Pick, (on Hustings.) Gentlemen ! Sam. Hear! — Hear! — Hear! — silence for the gowernor* Pick. Gentlemen — allow me to propose, as your representative, the Honourable Simon Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall ! SAM WELLER. 65 Sam* and Blues. Hurrah ! — " Slumkey for ever!"— Jin. (also on Hastings) Allow ine gentle- men ! — Trot. Hurrah ! Silence for Captain Fitztory. Pick. Captain Fitztory !— Why, hang me if it isn't that scoundrel, Jingle, disguised in a new coat ; here's some villainy going on — I must keep an eye on him ! — (aside.) Jin. Gentlemen ! — Electors ! — Eatanswill — propose — Friend — Horatio Fizkin, Esq. — Fiz- kin Lodge— Representative — Loyal Borough — Fit and proper — very ! — Sam. Over the left ! — Trot, and Party. Hurrah! — " Fizkin for ever !" Sam. and Party. "No Fizkin !"—" Slum- key for ever !" Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence ! — Silence ! — May. Show of hands — Honourable Slumkey, Sam. I'll hold up both hands. (Sam and Blues hold up hands for Slumkey.) May. Horatio Fizkin, Esq. Sam. And a rum von to look at, he is ! — Tret. Hurrah ! now boys. (Buffs hold up hands for Fizkin.) May. Show of hands in favour of Slumkey. Sam and Party. Hurrah! Slumkey for ever. Jin. Quite a mistake — demand poll — show favour — not hands — all Fiskinites ! — Mayor partial — stupid — clear case — very — very ! May. Gentlemen, the poll is opened. Sam. How can that be, ven nobody's head aint broke, and ve aint any split wotes. (Electors commence polling — Mayor, Cryer, fyc. taking - K 60 SAM WELLER, votes — Wardle votes ; — Drunken Liberal votes on both sides.) Pick. Friends — as a fellow-countryman — M. Set. How can you be a countryman, vhen you're a Lunnoner'? — Sam. Hear ! — Hear ! — for Mr. Pickvick. JS. Sin* Aye — hear Mr. Pienic. Pick. If you'd have meat for asking for — bread for nothing — and beer for less,— vote for Slumkey ! Sam. and Blues. Hurrah !— *' Slumkey for ever ! Jin 9 All humbug — Radicals ! Destructives ! — vote for Fizkin — Noble Fellow ! — Glorious Constitution! — Magna Charter I — Bill of Rights! —Trial by Jury ! — Wooden Walls ! — English- man's Birthright ! — Make no Pledges ! — Sam. No ! — no ! — they're all up the spout. Jin. Fizkin ! — Britain's boast — take care of all your property ! — Sam. Don't you vish you may get it ? — Trot. Order! — Order! — Hear Captain Fitz- tory ! — Jin. Vote for Fizkin— lots of Mock Turtle — Champagne, by pailsful — give 'em you for no- thing, and pay you for taking them away. — Trot, and Buffs. Hurrah ! — Fizkin for ever ! Sam. {twigs Jingle bribing Voters.) Ulloa ! there's that ere chap being guilty of corruption — bribery ! — bribery ! — Pick. The scoundrel !— I object to those votes being received — Mr. Fizkin is deceived — that fellow's an impostor. Sam. Yes, place . "em all to our side — they belong to oui side. — SAM WELLER. 6T Cry. (ringing bell.) Silence !— Silence ! — Silence ! — May. Gentlemen, the poll is closed — the numbers are — Slumkey Ninety-eight ! Sam. and Blues, Hurrah! — "Slumkey for ever !" May. Fizkin, Forty-five ! — majority for Slumkey, Fifty-three! — The Honourable Si- mon Slumkey is, therefore, duly elected. Sam. Hurrah !— Chair him !— Cheer him ! — Chair him I — - War. (to Isabella, Sfc.) Let us get out of the way, while we can, \Eoeeunt Wardle, Isabella, Emily, Snodgrass, and Winkle. (Fizkin and Party sneak down to Fronts to the Air of " Oh % dear, what can the matter hey — amidst groans of Sam, Sfc. and Exeunt* Chair is brought on, Slumkey^ Pickwick, Mayor \ Tupman, and Party, come down, to the Air ^ See the Conquering Hero comes." Sam 9 shouting and capering about, runs against Trot- ter — a concussion takes place — which leads to general combat, between Blues and Buffs, in which Mr. Pickwick and Slumkey get upset - — and scene closes on general confusion. SCENE III. Hall leading to Bar and Coffee Room of the Town Arms Inn. Enter Fat Boy, carrying a large Goose. F* Boy. (yawning.*) Master might have 68 SAM WELDER. waited till I wak'd— but I suppose he didiv t know where I was— Postillion let me ride one of the horses, and when they chang'd them, I was asleep, arid didn't know any thing about it, till I was thrown into the hay-loft— half-an- hour after I'd' been in the stable! horse got tir'd of my making a feather-bed of his back, I sup- pose, (yawns.) Well, I shan't go to the election now, 'cause it's all over— I shall wait for him, here— I can take a nap till he comes. (Fat Boy retires one side^ makes a pillow of Goose^ and sleeps,) Enter Wardle, Isabella arid Winkle, Emily and Snodgrass. War. Thank Heaven ! we've got through the bustle— ah ! it's lucky Joe wasn't with us— he'd have been asleep as usual, and might have been favoured with a nightcap, in the shape of an oaken cudgel— that might have prevented his ever waking again. Isa. I told you, sir ! the people would win— another victory in the cause of the population ! War. You girls are devilish anxious to up- hold the population, methinks S Em. We shall demand a scrutiny. Snod. Yes, ",never let the noble mind despair, —though nursed in ills, and exercised in care P —as the immortal Bard says. Win. Our dear friend, Pickwick, is, no doubt, enjoying the triumphant reward of his disinterested Patriotism ! — Eh ! what the deuce is this f Enter Pickwick and Tupman/ covered with SAM WELL ER. 69 fnud and dust— and Sam, with a black eye, and his nose damaged. Pick. Confound the villains— Exclusives do they call themselves— I wish they'd been a little more exclusive, with their kicks and cuffs — a queer way of Polling, their's— Cracked heads have been as plenty as blackberries.— But, how- ever, we're not so bad off as the Honourable Slumkey— for they've soused him in the Horse- pond. Sam. Rayther a rough scramble, sir, cer- tainly—but I paid a few on 'em— and gave the t'others a receipt— I'll jist rub you down a bit, vith this ere jack towel, vhat I borrow'd from the cook— and then go and see if I can't cork up my claret, here, a little. (^Sam rubs down Pickwick and Tupman.} War. Are these the lofty principles of your high-minded, elevated party, Emily ?— knock- ing every body down. Pick. What, my dear friend Wardle, Emily and Isabella, too!— I rejoice to meet you — don't stare— Tupman and I have only been rolled in the kennel, for the good of the country. Waf . One half our patriots should be served in the same way. Tup. I havii't a whole bone left in my body —if this is your march of intellect- — to be run pver, and trod down by every blackguard in the country— I've done. Sam. (Jinishing rubbing them down?) There ? pir !— -there you are.— Now I'll go and perform ^toilet. {Exit Sam. War. Well— well — well ! — I rejoice that yoiir 70 SAM WELLE R. man has come in, however. He is a Liberal — and while we return such Members as he is, the cause of Liberty and Old England must flourish ! Re-enter Sam, with Card. Sam. (to Pickwick.} Card for you, sir! — gen'lman a vaiting ! — Pick. Eh! a card for me! — (reads.} — -"Mrs. Leo Hunter, the Den, Eatanswill." I thought you said a gentleman % — Sam. A wery good imitation of von, if it aint, sir ! — He vants you partickler, — as the devil's private secretary said, vhen he fetched avay Doctor Faustus ! Pick. Well, in that case, I will see him, Sam. Wery veil, sir ! — I'll give him the inti- mation, This vay, sir ! — Enter Mr. Leo Hunter. L. Hun. Mr. Pickwick, I presume. — Your fame has reach'd the ears of Mrs. Leo Hunter, my wife, sir ! — I am Mr. Leo Hunter — we are proud to number among our acquaintances, all those who have rendered themselves celebrated, by their works and talents — more especially, so distinguished a person as yourself, and the Members of the far-famed Club, that from you derives its name. Pick. I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of your Lady, sir. ! L. Hun. You shall make it, sir J — to-morrow morning, we give a Public Breakfast — a Fete Chempetre — to a great number of Public Cha- racters • SAM WELLER. T 1 Isa. and Em. Delightful! — delightful! L. Hun. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter to have the gratification of seeing you at the Den. Pick. With great pleasure. jL. Han. You have a gentleman in your train, who has produced some beautiful little Poems, I think, sir I Em. {eagerly.) Oh, yes, sir! — Mr. Snod- grass — no one but must have heard of his abili- ties ! — Snod. Praise from Beauty's lips, is the Bard's sweetest nurture. L. Hun. And another whose sporting abili- ties, Nimrod has delighted to record — one celebrated for a thousand steeple chases. Isa. And not a few wild-goose chases, I be- lieve, {aside.) He stands before you, sir !— Win. {aside) Is she sporting with me, or not^?— L. Hun. You must all come. — My lady isa Huntek, you know — Mrs. Leo Hunter! — He! — He ! — Writes Poetry too — every body must have heard of her "Ode to an expiring Frog!" — sweet composition — but she will recite it to- morrow — in the character of Minerva ! Pick. Minerva ! — L.Hun. Yes, sir ! — I forgot to mention, it is a Fancy Dress Dejeune — Jacob Nathan, in the High Street, has thousands of fancy dresses — here are tickets for all your friends. Tup. I shall go as Massaroni, the Bandit — and make prey on all mankind — it will suit with my despairing condition. Pick* As a Bandit — you don't mean to say, that you design to dress yourself in a green T2 SAM WELLER. velvet jafckat, with a two-inch tail — nonsence— you're too old, and too fat. Tup. (angrily.) Mr. Pickwick ! Isa. and Em. Oh ! delightful '.—charming !— It will be the very thing !— you must consent- Mr. Pickwick, Pick. But, a jacket with a two-inch tail. — However, let it be so. Snod. I shall go as Apollo — striking my lyre — in blue satin trunks and a cloak, with white silk tights. Win. I shall go as Actaeon— with a large pair of deer horns, to mark my character. Isa. Dear me !— Methinks that's being some- what premature, (aside.) Sam. And I shall go as Old Nick — and play the devil vith them all. (aside.) Pick. You may all go as you like — but rio Fancy Dress for me. I fancy no dress but my own. L. Hun. My dear sir ! we will make an ex- ception in your favor. — Mrs. Leo Hunter will be delighted to see you in any way — and, per- haps, it will be most gratifying to her, and her guests, to behold so great a man as you are, in his natural state. But I am trespassing on your valuable time— farewell, my dear sir, — farewell! Mrs. Leo Hunter, will confidently expect and rely on the presence of yourself and your distin- guished friends, to-rnorrow morning. {Exit Mr. Leo Hunter. Pick. We must not lose so favorable an op- portunity of noting down character — and meet- ing adventure, as this promises to afford us. War. Well, Well — I'll e'en go with you, SAM WELLE R. 73 though I can't say I much relish appearing as a man without a character ! for once, I'll sport a Domino. But come, I feel like drinking — Jet's go in and toss off a glass of Black Strap, to the successful candidate, in the good old cause. — - Where the devil can Joe be"? — (Joe snores) — Ulloa ! Damn that boy, if he isn't here, and asleep again. But. Eh! what's this I see'? sleeping on the goose! Oh ! you villain-— but he's not the only one that has slept on goose— if it had been a saddle of mutton, it would have been just the same — he'd have made a pillow of it — and thought he was sleeping on flock. But, come, friends !— come, girls ! Isa. We will follow you, directly, papa !—* You must excuse us, a moment ; Emily and I have got a few arrangements to make, War. Very well, girls ! — don't be long, or we shall think you're plotting mischief. Now, Pickwick, old boy ! this way ! — [Exeunt Wardle, Pickwick, Tupman, Snodgrass, and Winkle ; followed by Sam and Fat Boy. Isa. I have staid behind, my dear Emily, to communicate to you, a project, for which this Fancy Dress Breakfast, affords us a favourable opportunity. I know your predilection for con- sulting Fortune Tellers, though they've never told you true. Now, as we are, neither of us quite certain of our swains — mine's going as Actceon, you see, in search of some Diana — and no doubt means to rifle all the game he starts, though he must handle his piece, better than he did with the Rooks. Mr. Snodgrass is to go as Apollo, it appears, and you know what sort of a gentleman he was— he won't always harp on one theme, depend on't ; suppose, therefore, h 74 SAM WELLER, we turn the tables, and instead of discovering our lovers, by having our fortunes told — tell our lovers their fortunes, and so learn ours that way. Em. What a madcap you are — but any thing to satisfy myself that my Augustus truly loves me ! — Oh ! Snodgrass — if he would but say as much to me in plain prose, as he has in poetry, I should desire no more. Agreed — agreed! — Isa. You shall go to this Fete phampetre — where our Lions are to be shown, as Marga- ret Finch, the Queen of the Gipsies, you know — I 5 as a simple country girl, a sure bait for a sportsman — we can procure tickets, unknown to them, and thus fairly entrap them, Em. Have it all yonr own way — but my life on Snodgrass' truth. Ah ! Bella — I wish I had your spirits — always bouyant — always gay. Isa. And why shouldn't I be so"? — " Toujours gai," is my motto — and through life will I stick to it Song, Isabella. K ' Am — Ki Toujours Gai" ) Always gay — always gay ! If we would be always gay, Sport at ease, and eheerful play, And on Sorrow trample ! We must not let anger stay, But chase moody care away, 'Twill make every month, a May ! Tis natures own example ! We'll not nourish discontent, Nor, as many do, resent Injuries, that ne'er were meant, Poisoning life's leisure ; We'll not grumble, pine, nor fret ; All that's sadd'ning, we'll forget ! Part as blythe as first we met, — Votaries of pleasure ! \Eoceunt Isabella and Emily; SAM WELLE R. 75 Re-enter Sam. Sam. I can't get out of my canister, that ere chap, as run avay vith the old maid, being transmogrified into a captain, and taking the side of sich a hole-and-corner candidate as that Fizkin — he's got summat wiilainous on foot — or he voudn't be mix'd up vith that ere party — I vish I could get hold on that mulberry man of his'n — I'd pump it all out of him, vith a high-draw-lic pressure, in no time. Veil, the devil certainly does take care of his own children — for blow me if he isn't here, in the wery nick — I'll pretend not to see him, {aside.) Enter Job Trotter. Trot, {aside) There he is — -now to bamboozle him— and send old Pickwick a wool-gathering, for thwarting Jingle, at the election ; and pre- vent his interfering with him again — morality shall be my cue — must keep up my character of Dismal Jemmy ! — never fails— got my handker- chief — and "Collection, No. 4," — all ready.— {pulls out booh and appears absorbed in reading,) Sam. He doesn't see me — seems close wrapp'd up in his own invard meditations — they must be as good as a flannel veskit to him — veil, if he don't apeak, I must, {aside.) Ulloa ! gowernor — how are you, old feller? {to Trotter.) Trot. Eh! oh! now for it — {aside)— Pretty well, I thank you— how are you ? — (gravely.) Sam. Vhy, I shou'd be a good deal better, if I vasn't quvite so much like a valking brandy bottle — but I've bin drinking a good deal, for the benefit of the nation— and hav bin oblig'd to 76 SAM WELLE R. hav a ha'penny shower bath, for the good of myself — that is, Fve bin puttin my head in the horse trough, and gettin a little boy, to pump otj me— so now I'm become quvite cool and com-? fortable agin.— Now then, I'll try the pump on him. — {aside) — Ajnt your master's name, Cap- tain Fitztory ?— Trot, (with a deep sigh) I am sorry to say it is, Sam. Giv us your hand, my Patriarch — I quvite likes the looks on you— vhat's your name 1 Trot, {casting down his eyes) Job Trotter ! Sam. Job! — and a wery good name it is — the only von I knows, that aint got a nick-name to it — vhat sort of a place have you got T— Trot, (mournfully) Bad— very bad ! — my master's quite a dragon — he's going to run away with an immense rich heiress, from a boarding school. Sam. Indeed ! — who % — Trot. That's not to be told to every body. Sam. Oh ! it's a secret, is it, old feller ? — I suppose your master is rich 1 Trot. Rich ! — poor as a church mouse.— Sam. Oh ! that's the game, is it ?— don't you think, then, you're a precious rascal — to let your master run avay vith this young heiress %— Trot. I know that— and that is what preys upon my mind — but what can I do 1 (crying,) Sam. Do — dewulge to the missus, and giv up your master. Trot. Who would believe me ? — the young lady is reckoned the very model of innocence and discretion. — If I knew any respectable gentleman now, who would take the matter up.-— SAM WELLE 11. 7T Sam. Say no more, my pebble — here comes the vvery gentleman, you vants. Enter Pickwick. Captain Fitztory's sarwant, sir ! as is troubl'd vith some punctuation of conscience — vat are makin a hole in his heart — his master's agoing to run avay vith a young heiress, from a boardin school. Pick. Another elopement ! the scoundrel ! Trot. Sorry to betray my master, sir. (taking out pocket handkerchief, and applying it to his eyes.) Pick. Your feelings do you honour, my good fellow— but it is your duty, nevertheless. Trot. I know it is my duty, sir — but still it's a hard trial, to betray a master, whose clothes one wears, and whose bread one eats, (weeps,) Sam. Come — come — blow this vater-cart bus'ness — it von't do no good, this von't — since your feelins is so wery fine — it's a pity you don't keep 5 em in .your own busum — and not let 'em ewaporate in hot vater — 'specially as they does no good — the next time you go out to a smokin party, put that ere reflection in your pipe, and smoke it — and for the present, jist put up that bit o' pink gingham into your pocket — t'ant so handsome, that you need keep vawin it about, as if you vas a tight-rope dancer. Pick. Right — Sam — right — but, come young man, in a few words, — • Trot. Well then, Sir, though it cuts me to the heart — the boarding school stands a little way out of the town, the first house on the right hand — the elopement takes place to night i 78 SAM WELL ER. this very night, at 12 o'clock ! — -you can catch 'em in the very act — I shall be concealed in the house — you'll be waiting in the garden, alone, and at half-past eleven, I'll let you in, through the backdoor! and hell soon find himself in the cage. Sam* Vithout his dicky bird— -a wery capital plan — I'll give you a leg over the the garden vail, sir. Trot. It's not right, sir, of me, to betray my master, bad as he is — I know it is not. (pulls out his handkerchief, and pretends to weep again.} Sam. Crying agin— I never seed sich a feller — -blow me if I don't think he's got a main in his head, as is alvays turned on. • Pick. I don't half like the plan, but however, as the happiness of this young lady is at stake — I must e'en adopt it— I shall be sure to be there — take care to be waiting at the door. Trot. I'll take care, sir, never fear. Pick. You are a fine fellow, and there's a sovereign for you— I admire your goodness of heart — no thanks — remember, eleven o'clock — let me go and prepare, immediately — I'm burn- ing with impatience to expose the scoundrel. \Eouit Pickwick. Sam. Hem ! — not a bad notion, that ere crying — I'd cry like a rain-vater spout, in a shower, on sich terms as these — -how do you doit? Trot. It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker — but I must trot ; good evening— the cunning Isaac — but I have caught him for once— now to get up the "Agreeable Surprize" for his master. \_Exit Job Trotter. S A M WELLER. ^9 Sam. You're a soft customer, you are— ve've got it all out of you, any how. — But let me go and get the gowernor ready, for this noctur- niwal expedition— as the old owl said to the voun«* mi, vhen he vent out a mouse-hnntio. J * [Exit Sam. SCENE IV. Gardens, and back of Miss Tabby's Boarding School — Wall on one side — Twilight. Enter, from house, Miss Tabby, Isabella, and Emily. Miss T. While your father and his friends, are refreshing themselves, previous to their departure, we will breathe the cool pure air in quiet here. — Isa. We could not be in your neighbourhood, my dear governess, and not visit the cherish'd scenes of our childhood — of our happiest days. Miss T. You must pass the night here! you know I have plenty of beds — it will be better than your sleeping at an inn — be once more joyous, thoughtless school girls. Em. Would that we could, dear governess, but that can never be! no charm can win us back, that sweet spring time of life. Isa. But we may live it o'er again, dear sister, in talking of old times. Miss T. You will meet many of your old 80 SAM WELL Ell. companions— many fast blooming; like your- selves, to youths sweet May. Enter Lucretia Kitchener, Bliss Tabby s Cook. Lucre, (to Miss Tabby) A letter for you, ma'am, left by a most mysterous man 5 who wouldn't wait not for any answer. Miss T. A letter for me, cook 1 bless me, who can this be from ! (opens letter) mercy on me, anonymous. Lucre. A nonny mouse letter to Miss Tabby — how particularly shocking, I must tell all the young ladies, (aside.) Miss T. Let me peruse its contents — (reads) u Respected madam, as a friend to female inno- cence, it is my duty to inform you, that a plan is laid to carry off one of your young ladies to night ; by a notorious libertine, who will scale your garden wall, for that purpose ! you will, therefore, take such steps as you may think advisable, to foil his base intentions — *' Anti- Tarquin," I am paralised. Lucre. How monstratiously horrid — let me go and tell all the young ladies, directly, [Exit Lucretia. Em. What a romantic adventure! lsa> Very kind of Anti-Tarquin, I'm sure, to let you know, my dear governess — though, per- haps the young lady mayn't think so. What's to be done ? Miss T. Ah ! what, indeed, my dear girls—- and not a man in the house to protect us ! Em. Oh ! yes ! — there is my father— and my dear Snodgrass !— SAM WELLS*. 81 Isa. And pray don't forget Mr. Winkle— the most renowned shot in Berkshire — and our boy, Joe — who fortunately has got the gentlemen's fire-arms with him— ready for to-morrow's sporting. Miss T. I breathe again — run, my dear girl, summon them, to my aid, in this terrible emer- gency Isa. I will, I will ! [Exit Isabella. Miss T, I wonder which of the young ladies it can be — -is it Miss Biggs? or perhaps, it's Miss Sims, she's rather forward, or more likely it's Miss Shufflebottom !— only let me find out who it is, and she shall have black marks, and double lessons for a month to come — she shall, the hussey ; disgracing Dilworth House Estab- lishment in this manner. Em, Calm yourself, dear madam, you have luckily made the discovery of this atrocious plot just in time — oh Irere comes my father and the interesting Augustus. Enter Isabella, with Wardle, Snodgrass, and Winkle — Fat Boy and Lucretia with Poker. War. The mousing scoundrel, but we'll tickle him — leave me to arrange it all— Snod- grass and Winkle, as Cookey here, has been kind enough to provide you with those two oaken towels — you must lie in wait amongst the shrubs, that you may be ready to rush out and secure him when he comes. Em. This laurel bush, dear Augustus, will do capitally, and nothing can be more appro- priate—you know it will divert the lightnings M 82 SAM WELLEH. from your brow, and guard a life so dear to all the Muses. Snod. Life would be well resigned in woman's service. Em. Yes, but still I'd rather you'd keep yours for my service, for all that. ha. Mr. Winkle can hide himself behind this cluster of bachelors' buttons ; mind you don't run down the parsley bed, Mr. Winkle. • Win. Never fear. Miss— I love a little night sport— been out bat-shooting many a time ; no bad hand, I can tell you. Bliss T. I'm sure I don't know how I shall make you amends, Mr. Wardle, you are indeed the preserver of innocence— the guardian of virtue in danger. War. Don't mention it 5 madam, I've girls of my own, you know— Joe — Joe — damn that boy he's asleep again — you must keep watch behind those tulip beds — no, confound it, we mustn't put you near any beds, or you'll go to sleep directly— behind that tree will do- take care of that gun, don't you know it's on half cock ? Lucre. Mercy on me! a gun on half cock, in Dilworth House, how partik'larly shocking. War. Mind, neither of you go off now ; to be sure it's only loaded with sparrow shot, merely give you a slight peppering. F. Boy. I'll take care, master. Miss T. Cook, you must be prepared to rush out on the first alarm. Lucre. Oh dear ! ma'am, I darn't — I can't face a strange man, after what Handy Tarbin has said. 5 A M W ELLE R. 83 Miss T. Cook, I'm surprised at your impu* deuce ! I insist upon it, or a month's warning- go and get the boarders all ready, and be pre- pared to rush out at their headj on the first alarm, to strike him with terror. War. Yes, if the presence of so many petti- coats at one time, don't frighten him, I don't know what will — Tupman would be just in his element* Em, Dear papa 5 you must remain in doors with us, to take care of us. Isa. I don't see the danger myselfo War. Aye — aye — but come, time's getting on, take your places, no doubt this terrible Giovanni will soon be here — how dark it is— ■ give him a warm reception, boys — don't spare your cudgels— we'll all rush out with lights, on the first alarm. Em. Well, it certainly is very romantic and interesting — my dear Snodgrass must write a poem on it. War. Now then— lie close, boys— this way* girls. Lucre. What a dreadful, awful moment — I declare I'm all in a twitteration — mercy on me ! {Snodgrass and Winkle conceal themselves be- hind shrubs— Fat Boy behind tree, where he falls asleep— Wardle, Isabella, Emily, and Lucretia enter House — it has now become quite dark — storm begins to rise. Win. (softly to Snodgrass) Is that the Fat Boy, or is it the thunder, Snoddy *? Snod. Don't know — this is a very poetical situation — but I wish we had some gin and water, Byron's immortal beverage ! we may get the rheumatism. 8t SAMWELLER. IViri. Hush ! I hear footsteps — our game's breaking cover. Pick, (to Sam without, softly') Just assist me up, and then return to the inn, and wait for me till my return. Sam. (without, cautiously) Certainly, sir. Pick. Now then, lay hold of my leg, and when I say, " over," raise me gently. Sam. (without, softly) All right, sir, there you are. (Pickwick appears, jerk'd over wall into garden.) Sam. (without, softly) You havn't hurt youself, I hope, sir. Pick. I havn't hurt myself, but I rather think that you have hurt me — I've fallen into a flower bed. Sam. (without y softly) " Love among the roses/' sir. Pick. For a bed of roses, it has plenty of thorns ; but never mind, you be off, back to the inn. Sam. (without) Wery veil ; vish you safe through the business, sir, (Sam heard depart- ing whistling.) Snod. (aside) The villain's gain'd admission; — I must get my stick ready. Win. (aside) Let me exercise my arm a little before hand, that I may be prepared. Pick. I have strange misgivings — this letter that Fvereceived from my Jandlady, calling upon me to fulfil my promise of marrying her — (what can the foolish woman mean?) and hinting at an action for breacli of promise — troubles me — I must get off of it somehow. Snod. (listening) Perjured seducer! SAM WELL ER. 85 Win. (aside, listening} Oh ! he's an old hand at it — got twenty wives, if the truth's known, I'll be bound. Pick. But it's getting rather blusterous — I shall catch my death, if I stay here long— let me give the signal at once — it must be time ! — Trio, Pickwick, Snodgrass, and Winkle. Air — "Haydn' 8 Surprize" Pickwick, piano. Let me, while the coast is clear, To the back door softly creep ; He'll the signal surely hear, If he is not fast asleep ! Snodgrass and Winkle, (aside.} Softly steal, tbe scoundrel seize ! s Pickwick. All's secure ! Snodgrass and Winkle. He'll find, he lies ! Pickwick. Now friend Trotter, if you please ! Snodgrass and Winkle* Yield dog ! Pickwick. Mercy on me ! Omnes. A surprize ! (Snodgrass and Winkle rush out> and com- mence thrashing PicKWiCK, crying 6 ' Villain, Robber, Ravisher, Seducer, fyc" Pickwick roars out, "Oh, Lord! Murder, Thieves" — and falls flat on his face, Wardle, Miss Tabby, CG S A M WE 1 h £ it. Isabella, Emily, Lucretia, (with a warming pan,) and Boarders, rush out with lights, fyd The women all set up a loud scream. Fat Boy* wakes — starts up — fires gun, and shoots Cookey in the bustle.) Lucre. Oh, Lord ! Ob, Lord ! that Fat Boy has shot me behind, here. — Pm assassinated. War. Damn that boy — he's asleep again. F. Boy. No I aint — the gun's wak'd me — I hope I've not spoilt yout bum-beseen, ma'am ? Miss T. But where is the seducer ? Boarders, (eagerly.) Ah ! where is he ! — Snod. He's yielded to the prowess of our arms, Win. I've brought him down. Miss T. Dear me ! 1 hope you havn't kill'd him — ring the alarm bell, Cook. Pick, (groaning) Don't — don't — I'm a re- spectable man ! — Miss T. How did you come in this garden ? Pick, (still on his face.) I am no robber — I want the lady of the house ! Lucre. Oh! the ferocious monster! wants Miss Tabby! L. Girl. He'll be wanting us, by-and-bye!— I suppose. War. Hoist the fellow up—and let's see what he's made of. — Come, friend, show your face- bring the lights this way, girls !— (Snodgrass and Winkle raise up Mr. Pickwick — Emily and Isabella hold lights.— War*, Isa., Em., Snod., and Win,, Mr, Pickwick ! ! Tableau of Astonishment ! F. Boy, What a very odd dream— (snores*) SAM VVELLER. 87 SnocJ. Our illustrious leader— eloping with young ladies from a boarding school — "wonderful — wonderful ! — And again wonderful, out of all whooping !" — Win. The sly old fox— who'd have thought he'd been so fond of sport ? Isa. Ob ! Mr. Pickwick ! Em. Fie ! Mr. Pickwick ! War. Who could have supposed the solid, sedate, Mr. Pickwick, would have come poach- ing on the Manor Grounds of a Young Ladies' Boarding School — I should scarcely have sus- pected that, even from our friend, Mr. Tupman ! Win. I may start any game, now ! Pick. What a trap have I fallen into. That scoundrel, Mr. Trotter. You are all wrong, in- deed you are — I am no seducer — no ravisher — I didn't come to run away with any ) 7 oung lady. L.Girl. (asidt^) What a disappointment ! Pick. I came to warn the lady of the house, that one of her young ladies was going to elope, to-night! Miss T. The hussey ! who with ? Pick. Your friend, Captain Fitziory, madam ! Miss T. My friend ! I don't know any such person ! — Pick. Mr. Jingle, then ! Miss T. I never heard of the man ! War. J see how it is — you've been hoaxed friend Pickwick. I will answer for my friend, madam — he is incapable of doing any of you, any harm. L. Girl. Then there'll be no eloping, after all — we've been hoaxed— la ! how provoking ! (aside) War. But come, the night air's cool — let's In 88 SAM WELLER, doors, and laugh at this affair, over a glass of your ginger wine ma'am — we've got to get ready for the Fancy Breakfast, in the morning, you know, Friends. F. Boy. (yawns) I hopes it wont be a Fancy Breakfast — 'cos I'm very hungry — -it quite keeps me awake. War. Come, this way ! — this way ! — Pick. Oh ! my poor bones. — I shan't get over it for a month — that villain. Jingle ! — < \Eioceunt Omnes, into house. S C E N E V. Tap Room of the Town Anns Inn. Enter Sam, smoaking a Pipe, with a Pot in his hand. Sam. I vonder how the gowernor has got on by this ere time — vith his assination — I dare say he's in rare clover, now — all the young ladies makin much on him, for presarwing their honor — shoudn't mind, if I vas in his sitevation. — I can't find that ere young Chelsea vater vorks, Mr. Job Trotter, any vhere ; he's given us the slip quvite, all in a hurry, as they says at the Old Bailey. The ancient, too, hasn't attended his appintment neither, he vas to come arter he'd put up his horses, and have a little bit of tattle over old family affairs ; — I don't like to puff my yard of clay in my own company, as it vere, Pewter don't relish half so veil, veil von aint got SAM WELLE II. 89 a pal, to bite his name in it as veil as vonself— but stop, I am magging too fast, for here he is. Enter Old Weller. Old W. Veil, Samivel, here I am agin — got to the end of my stage — put up my prads, and come back here to have a little comfortable talk vith you ; it is quvite a hointment for the eyes, to see you — -vy I aint seed you for two years, and better. Sam. No more you have, old feller ; but come, you must have a bit of veed, and moisten your thorax out of this ere tankard — it vill make your throat vork all the easier — nothin like vaterin the roads— here, Tom Pots, — (calling} bring a Broseley, here. Enter Pot Boy, with Pipe. Sam. That'll do, Tommy; I'll owe you for it. (Exit Pot Boy.) Now then, Mr. Veller, senior, ve're on equal terms, so ve can fire avay ; but stay, first take a pull at this ere home brew'd. Old W. Here's tovards your good health, Samivel. Sam. Thank'ye, let me illuminate you, (Old Weller, lights his pipe by Sams, and begins smoking.} Sam. I quvite forgot, in our little miscella- neous conwersation, this morning, old codger, to ax you about mother-in-law ; how is she % Old W. Vy, I'll tell you vhat, Sammy, there never vas a nicer ooman, as a vidder, than that ere second wenture o' mine ! a sveet creeter she vas, Sammy, and all I can say on her now, is, that as she vas sich an unkimmon pleasant 3NI 90 SAM WELLER. \idder, it's a great pity she ever changed her condition'! she don't act as a vife, Sammy. Sam. Don't she, though. Old W. No, she's too much in the angel iine — she's too good a crceter for me, Sammy, I feel I don't desarve her. Sam. That's wery self-denying of you. Old W. Wery! she's got hold o' some new inwention, for grown up people being born agin, Sammy, the new birth, I thinks they call it — I should wery much like to see your mother-in-law bora agin — vouldn't I put her out to nurse — vhat d'ye think she did, t'other day J? Sam. Don't know — vhat 1 Old W- Vy, blow me if she didn't go and get up a tea-drinking party, for a feller they calls the Shepherd ; to raise subscriptions ! and vhat d'ye think they vere for. Sam. Can't guess. Old W. To pay his vaterrate — three quvartersj the Shepherd hadn't paid a farden, so they cut it off; perhaps he didn't drink out of that ere tap, but more t'other. Sam. No doubt on't Old TV. This Shepherd, is von of those fellers, that prowides the infant negroes, in the Vest Inges, vith flannel veskits and moral pocket aucherehiefs. I vas a standing starin in at the picture shop, down at our place, vhen I sees a little bill about it — "Tickets, half-a-crown — all applications to be made to the committee — secre- tary, Mrs. Veller !" — and vhen I got home, there vas the committee, sittin in our back parlour ; all a passin resolutions, and woting supplies — vhen expectiu to see all sorts of games, I vas gam- S A M WELLIi 11. 9 1 znoried to put my name down for a ticket, and at six o'clock on Friday evening, I goes vith the old ooman, and valks up into a first floor, vhere there vas tea things for thirty — presently in comes a fat chap, in black, vith a great vhite face and red nose, smiling away like clock vork, and cries " here's the Shepherd, cornea wishing his faithful flock !" and then round vent the kiss of peace. Sam. That is^to say, a kiss a piece ! I 'spose, veil, that vos'nt so much a miss. Old W. So I thought — veil, arter that, comes the tea ; I vish you could ha' seed the Shepherd valking into the ham and muffins, Sammy — then he began to preach, and looking wery hard at me, hollows out — "Vhere's the sinner — vhere's the miserable sinner/ 5 — vhereupon my blood being up, as he vouldn'tmake any apology, but calls me a wessel of wrath, I lends him two or three for himself, vith a little-un in, for his deputy, and valks quoietly off. Sam. And wery proper ; mend your draught. Old TV. Confound him, morning, noon, and night, is he drinking pine apple rum-and-vater, vith your mother-in-law, in the Markis o' Granby. Capital hand at accounts, he is — bor- rows eighteen pence on Monday — and come s on Tuesday for a shilling, to make it half-a-crown — calls agin on Vednesday for another half-a- crown, to make it five shillings, and goes on doubling, till he gets it up to a five pound note in no time. Sam. and you lets him (knocking the ashes out of his pipe) I am ashamed on you, old two for his heels. 92 SAM WELLE R. Old TV. Vy, vhat can I do— I am a married man, Samivel — yes, a married man ! — and ven you are married, Samivel, you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now ; but vether it's vorth vhile, going through so much to larn so little, is a matter of taste— I don't think it is, Sam. I can't say — for I aint tried ; but come, the pot's out, and so is my pipe. Old TV. Veil then, I'll bid you good bye, Samivel ; ve shall meet agin in Lunnon— Belle Savage tap — you must come and see us at the Markiss o' Granby, Samivel. Sam. Aye — aye! ta— < ta, old boy, till ve meets agin — all I've got to say, is this here ; if I vas the properiator of the Markiss o' Granby, and that ere Shepherd came looking arter my lamb, or mutton, vhatever you call it, I'd pison his rum and vater, that's all. Old TV. No, vould you really— vould you though 1 Sam. I vould ! but I vould n't be too hard upon him at first— I'd jist drop him in the vater-butt, and put the lid on, and then if I found he vas insensible to kindness, I'd try t'other persvasion. Old TV. You're your father's own boy 5 Samivel, and I'll contemplate the motion all the vay, as I goes up to Lunnon, so ta — ta ! \Eccit Old Weller. Sam. He's a good old cock, he is; though he shouldn't let the hen crow over him as she does. Veil, I'll go and git every thing ready for this ere Fancy breakfast — ve shall have the gowernor coming back soon — I shall go as Teddy O'CarrolI, the Donnybrook Brahain — vot I met on the SAM WELLER. 93 race course, ven I vas helper to Charley Sveat- emvell, the trainer ; and give the gentlefolks a specimen of my crotchets and quavers; and by vay of a vind up, I shall clap my devil's horns and tail and pitchfork into my pocket, for I dare say I shan't vant an opportunity of using 'em. [i£n7 Sam. SCENE VI. Mrs. Leo Humter's Grounds, The Den* Ea- tanswill, fitted up for Fete Champetre. — Visitors discovered \ in various Fancy Dresses, Song and Chorus, Omnes. Air — "Now by the Waving Greenwood Tree.'* Under the waving Greenwood tree, We merry, merry mortals haste ; Hungry and thirsty, who but we, The ham and tea to taste. Then away to the breakfast, away, away,. Hang those of care who think ; Let all be Fancy, here to day, Except what we eat and drink ! Under the waving greenwood tree, Sec. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Leo Hunter, the latter as Minerva. Mrs. L. H. Delightful— delightful ! one foreign lion, Count Smorltauk, who's come ex- pressly, from Germany, to write visiting notes on England — two London lions — the celebrated Tobacco Pipe Player, and the great Kentuckian Tragedian— all our country lions — two or three 94 SAM WELLER. lionesses, one a lady that has been up in a bal- loon, and another, a Lady that has fall'n down in one, and then the King of all the Lions, the president of the Pickwickians and his associates ! — why we shall be the envy and admiration of the whole world — only want Boz to complete it — pity he wouldn't suffer himself to be caught. Mr. L. H. It was indeed, my dear Mrs. H. I tried hard enough. Mrs. L. H. You must be on the qui vive, Mr. Hunter; I have issued tickets for a hundred, but you know we have only provided breakfast for fifty, so while I cater for the most distin- guished of our guests, in the Zoology of Fashion and Ton 5 you must take care of the attendant Jackalls, in the best manner you can— but stand put of the way, Mr. Hunter — stand out of the way — here come the -Pickwickians, and their president! — oh the dear delightful man ! Enter Pickwick, arm in arm with Snodgrass as Apollo, in blue and white silk, and a Grecian helmet ; holding a lyre,— on one side, and Tupman as Massaroni, the Brigand, in Green Velvet Jacket, Sugar Loaf Hat, and Ribbons, and A Ipine Leggings and Rifle — on the other !— followed % Winkle as Actceon with a Boiv and Arrow, and large pair of Horns. Mrs. L. H, My dear Mr. Pickwick, for I know it is you, by your gaiters — this is kind, I rejoice to see you — you must promise not to stir from my side all the morning — I have got a hun- dred people to present you to. Pick. You are very kind, ma'am, allow me S A If W EL L E R. 95 to introduce my associates ; — Mr. Apollo Snod- grass — Minerva should know Apollo, {intro- duces, ,) Mrs. L. H. A poet, delighted to make the acquaintance — -you must hear my " Ode to an expiring frog." Snocl. Shall be much gratified. Pick. This is Mr. Massaroni Tupman. {intro- ducing.) Mrs. L. H. I doat upon bandits — I shall enlist him to dress the lobster salad for me. Tup. With pleasure— this scene of enchant- ment, might almost make one forget even the perfidious Rachel — heigho ! Pick, {introducing Winkle) This is Mr. Actaeon Winkle, the celebrated sportsman, madam ; he would have worn a red hunting coat to be more in character, but he thought it made him look too much like a general postman. M?*s. L. H. He is fit to belong to the most noble order of the Bucks — I must know him better. Win. You are very good, ma'am — I wish that Jacob Nathan, had given me a little more hunting room in these satin tights— confound me if I can hardly move in them — too tight by a great deal, {aside.) Mrs, L. H. But come, friends, you must want some refreshments, and then I have to show you over the grounds — I've just had a new pile of old ruins erected, and a beautiful imitation cataract painted in water colours — I must trou- ble the bandit, here. to a take care of my ridicule ! Apollo, will you carry my sal volatile, as your prototype us'd to do for Daphne, formerly. 96 SAM WELLER, Snod. I shall be delighted. Mrs. L. H. Now then, this way — this way ! [Exit Mrs. Leo Hunter, with Mr. Pickwick and Tupman, Snodgrass and Winkle. Enter Isabella and Emily — the former as Cicely Homespun — the latter as Margaret Finch, the Queen of the Gypsies. Isa. There they are. — We have only now to watch our opportunity. Em. Augustus cannot detect me, now I have stained my cheeks. Isa. And this flaxen wig, will effectually con- ceal me. Father will be too much taken up with the novelty of the scene, to observe us; and Joe will either be eating or asleep. Em, Hush ! away, my dear Bella— here my Apollo comes! — Now then, in telling his for- tune, to learn my own, Isa. I'll not interfere with you. I must go and hunt up my sportsman. The stars befriend you, Emmy ! — [Exit Isabella. Em. 'Tis a bold step — but Love dares all ! — Oh, Snodgrass ! — Snodgrass !— [Retires a little on one side.) Re-enter Snodgrass. Snod. I'm glad I've got out of that refresh- ment room — couldn't fancy it Olympus, at all. A very anti-poetical person, that Mrs. Hunter. While I was talking of the Helliconian Foun- tain — hang me if she didn't ask me to put some water in the pot — and instead of the Muses, wanted to stuff me with muffins. SAM WELLE R. 97 Em. Now for it ! — (comes forward* and curt- sies.} — Noble Apollo, spare the poor gipsey a halfpenny — have your fortune told, Celestial sir ?— Snod. Eh ! Apollo have his fortune told — No, 'tis too wild a fiction. But poetry delights in fiction. Em. Cross the poor gipsey's hand with a bit of silver- — heavenly gentleman — it is a Queen that asks you ! — Snod. A Queen ! dark ministress of fate? Em. Yes, Margaret Finch, Mr. Apollo. Snod) But I don't think I've got any money — neither Apollo, nor his sons ever have, I be- lieve. Let me feel in the pockets of my under waistcoat — there, Mrs. Finch — there's a fourpenny piece for you.— Now then, invoke the stars, and mind, as I've proved myself a goldfinch, that you don't turn out a cAa^f- finch. Em. La ! your Godship ! — do you think I could do so ? — Ha ! — by the lines in your palm, I perceive that you do not love true ! — Snod. And by the line you're getting me in, I can perceive that you do not tell true, brown Sybil. — I am as true as the great Bear, is to the Pole. Em* And he's very true— any body that's seen him in the Regent's Park, can tell that— but are you not playing one of Apollo's attri- butes, the lyre ! Snod. No, by great Jove — Oh ! Emily ! Emily ! there is no joy without thee ! Em. He loves me, and I am happy ! — (aside} — I did this but to try you ! — The lines of life run smooth, Apollo— yours will be a happy des- o 93 SAM WELLE R. iny .She you love, will well requite your truth — you will have riches — honours — Snod. And children ! — Em. Oh, fie ! My art does not extend so far as that. Snod. Nay, gipsey, I must know ! Em. Then I must fly — his questions grow embarrassing (aside} good morning, son of Jove — Jupiter wants you. [Exit Emily, hastily.} Snod. Gone — confusion ! — I've not learnt half I wanted' — I havn't had twopennorth of predic- tion for my money. Mrs. Finch ! Mrs. Finch ! [Exit Snodgrass, after Emily. Enter Sam, as Teddy O' Carrol, the Donnybrooh Braham, a Race Course Ballad Singer. Sam. A pretty trick that onion-headed feller, Mr. Job Trotter, has play'd my gowernor — I've bin reg'larly done by that ere chap — I must re- turn him his shuttlecock somehow — it strikes me wery sing'lar, that he and his precious mas- ter vill be comin here — as they seems to admit all sorts of quveer cattle — and p'raps I may have an .opportunity of repayin 'em in Irish money, thirteen pence for their shilling — who knows — they vont have any suspicion of me, in this ere dress. Veil, if I aint as good as Nixon, the Cheshire conjurer !— Here they are ! Enter Jingle, as Don Giovanni, and Job Trotter, as Doctor CantwelL Jin. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Capital trick — very !— wonder how old Fire-works likes it. Sam. (aside.) Old Fire-works — thewarmints — but I'll pay 'em off. SAM WELL EI<» 99 Trot. And that Johnny Raw, of a servant of his, who wanted to make a handle of me — but the pump was dry — and all the water was in my eye. I wonder where he is now? Sam. (aside) Johnny Raw ! — I'm not raw, now. — No! — no! — I've bin done rayther too much — vants to know vhere I am— they'll find that out, soon enough. — (comes forward as Ballad Singer, singing.) Oh, dear ! vhalfcan the matter be, Dear, dear, vhat can the matter be, Oh, dear ! vhat can the matter be, Johnny's so long at the fair ! He promised, &c. (Dances grotesquely, then offers Ballads to Jingle and Trotter.) Buy a ballad your honours, of Teddy (J Carrol i Here's "Ve met,"— "Over the Mountains,"— "The Old Maid,"— " Nothing like Money/'— * Oh, Cruel,"— « He Loves, and Rides avay,"— ; 'The Conwict's Return,"— "Strike the Liar,"— and "The Rogues March." Jin. March ! — hop, skip, jump — vagrant act — stocks, whipping post — interruption — busy- very ! — hate singing— out of tune — no time — penny — by-and-bye — come again — generous — very ! — Sam. (singing.) Oh, come to me vhen day-light sets, Sveet, oh, come to me ! Vhile sveetly go our gondolovets, ~ Over the moonlight sea ! Sec, (Tol lol de dol, SfC Dances as before.) Jin. Off, vagabond — now for Mrs. Hunter- fresh gull— Don Giovanni — new victim — good chance— Doctor Cantwell— deep plan — very !— 100 SAM WELLE R. Sam. I'll not lose sight on 'em. — (aside.) (Sings) — They brought him back, and then they found The spoons on this Nice Young Man, &c. [Exit Jingle and Trotter, annoyed, fol- lowed by Sam, singing. Enter Isabella, followed by Winkle. Win. All's game with a sportsman, you know, my love — that is, that's fair. — Devils of fellows — can't help it. — I may bounce a bit, here, with this rustic, (aside.) Must have a kiss — all prim'd J Isa. Oh fie, sir! — but what will your sweet- heart, at home, say ? Win. Like me all the better for it — fond of spirit — but wont know it — poor thing — glad to have me— come, one kiss — give it at "once, my pretty partridge, or I shall take a brace- licensed to kill! Isa. (aside.) The impudent rogue — but I'm glad to find he can be gallant, some times — wouldn't give a pin for a man that wasn't a little bit of a rake. But people will see us, here ! — Look they're all coming to begin the dancing. Win. Little Innocent! we must be partners never leave a pretty girl — too good a sportsman for that. Isa. If you could meet me 5 now, at my father's. Win. With all my heart, my rosebud — I'll beat the bushes in no time— but you must give me your name — And where you live. Isa. I've got it all written down, in large hand, on a card, if you please sir ! Win. Cfceam of the valley— Homespun Cot- tage, I suppose— Clay bottom, Muddington — Eh ! SAM WELLER. 101 what's this? (reads) '' Isabella Wardle, Dingley Dell,"— Trapp'd— Caught— Id give the world to be under a haycock ! Miss Isabella Wardle. 1 — that is, you — Oh Lord ! I can't stand it any longer. (Runs off) Ixa. Ha! ha! ha! a pretty sportsman, but I've brought him down — though I havn't done with him yet — Mr. Winkle — Mr. Winkle. \Eccit following Mm, and calling. Enter Mrs. Leo Hunter with Mr. Pickwick, Wardle, Snodgrass, Emily, in Domino, Fat Boy, as the living skeleton, and Fancy Characters. Mrs L. H. Now then friends, the dance — the dance. Em. Aye the dance ! I have eluded Augustus — this domino will enable me still to enjoy the dance— (aside) — aye the dance. Song, Emily. _ 4 Air— " The Cachuca." Now to the castanets merrily sounding, Dance the Cachuca, in smiling array ; Not even Duvernay, lightest when bounding, Shall, than ourselves, be more buoyant and gay ; Then join the Cachuca — la ra, la la ! Dance, ere the sun, seeks his home in the west, For hearts now are lightest, And eyes now are brighest, And pleasure and love, in each bosom 3 are guest ! Now while the breeze is with melody laden, And sighing with transport, each love stricken youth, Breathes a sweet tale in the ear of his maiden, Painting his passion, his hopes, and his truth — Dance the Cachuca — la ra, la la ! Each with the partner he worships the best. Hearts now are lighest, Eyes now are brighest ! Dancing in daylight, robs no one of rest. 102 SAM WELLER. {All the characters join in Pas Generate. Mrs. Leo Hunter with Mr. Pickwick — Snodgrass with Emily — Winkle who has re-entered, with Isabella — Mr. Tupman with a Nun, Fat Boy, with Columbine, Sec. Re-enter Jingle and Job Trotter. Jin. Ah! dear Minerva — charming Hunter, glad to see you — glorious scene — Eastern splen- dour — crowds of people — full grounds — regular Mangle — Walker's patent — hard work — very ! Mrs. L. H. Well, this is apropos — we were just wishing for you, my dear Captain Fitztory, allow me to introduce you to my friends. ha. (screams) Ha ! the villain that carried off my aunt. Em. Horrible monster! Pick. Jingle, here — he is an impostor ! Jin. Allow me an explanation, Miss Emily — Miss Isabella — you're all deceived — very. Em. Stand off, sir. Pick. Secure him — duck him — the pump — the horsepond ! Finale, Omnes. Air — " The quick part of the Finale to the first act of Cinderella." Pick. — Villain utter not a single syllable, But from this chosen spot directly fly. Em.— Oh, sirs, protect us, do not forsake us, On your protection we do rely. Snod. — Dear ladies, fear not, harm you, he dare not ; On our protection you may rely. War. — Shall my authority be disregarded ? Off rogue and vagabond — oh fie ! oh fie ! Guests. — Off to the watchhouse, for time quick flies ! If he resists us, the horsepond is nigh. ■Servants. — No more disputing, if he denies, Call the police in — don't let the rogue fly, SAM WELLER, 103 (Towards the end of this Finale^ Sam comes in as the Devil, with Pitch-fork, fyc. and squibs off Trotter and Jingle. — Drop falls on confusion, End of the Second Act. ACT III. SCENE I. Common Room, in the Great White Horse Inn, Ipswich. — Pickwick, Snodgrass, Win- kle, and Tupman discovered. Glee, Pickwickians. Air . — e ' Glorious Apollo, ' ' Jove born Minerva, from on high surveyed us, Yearning to found a Club, to wisdom's praise, ' Sent noble Pickwick, hither to aid us, Crowning our temples with unfading bays ; Thus then combining — heart and hand joining, Sing we in harmony, Mister Pickwick's praise ! Win. Well, here we are, in the Great White Horse, at Ipswich — wish we were coursing to run down some better game than this vagabond, Jingle, though. Snod. Right — right ! but Cui Boni 1 to what good will be our pursuit,, Chief? Pick. Why, how do we know who he may de- ceive next, has he not already deceived a worthy 104 SAM WELLER. man ? and we, the innocent cause — he shall not do so again, if I can help it — we've got a clue to him, and Til expose him every where — Fll teach him to call me old Fire-works ! Tup. I will go with you to the end of the world, and further — travel may solace my des- pairing heart; oh Rachel! — Rachel ! Snod. We all will follow our illustrious leader — assured of Emily's affection, I can dare all — the rugged mountains — the far stretching plains. But hadn't we better see after dinnnerl it's half-past eight o'clock— Fll step in and order it. Win. Not a poetical one, I hope — Fve a sporting appetite. Snod. Don't he afraid ; poets are generally pretty sharp set ! though I shall merely order something light — Turtle— salmon — saddle of mut- ton — broil'd fowl, and mushrooms — fire of cham- paigne — cranberry tart — parmasan — port — pip- pins — that's all ! Tup. My soul's too much oppressed to let me eat, but I think I can manage the saddle of mutton. Win. Come along then, and we'll have a glass of sherry and bitters, to tone our stomachs — I must stick up to Bella Wardle, now, or own my gallantry — all brag! — she's fairly bagg'd me, the baggage — this way ! Pick. Fll follow you, directly — mind we sleep here, to night — Fll merely give my servant Sam, a few directions — I see him coming. Snod. Great man ! Provident of all — we'll wait for you — this way associates of my toil and fame ! \Eoccunt Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle, SAM WELLER, 105 Enter Sam and Old Weller. Pick. Well, now Sam. Sam. Beg yatir pardon, sir, but the old un, here, vants to know, if he's to book you for town to morrow ? Pick. Not till I have discovered this aban- doned Jingle, Sam, if I stay here for a Century. Sam. Veil you knows best, sir! 'cause you've liv'd longest — as the girl said to old Parr, vhen he ax'd her if she thought, living single vas good for the health. Old W. I could have answered him at vonce, Samivel — for I've bin married. — Yes, I've done it vonce too often, Sammy — take example from your father, and be wery careful o' vidders, all your life— 'specially if they've kept a Public House, Sammy. Beg your pardon, sir ! I hope nothing personal. — I hope you aint got a vidder. Pick Don't mention it, my good friend, though you are not so very wide of the mark — but your trouble, it seems, is because you've got a widow — mine, on the contrary, is because I won't have one. That cursed Mrs. Bardell — - she has got a couple of Qui-tam fellows, Dodson and Fogg, they call themselves, " jobbing attor- nies,'' to bring an action for breach of promise of marriage — I never promised the creature marriage — and what's worse, they have su- pcenaed my very friends to appear against me! Old W. Vidders vill do anything, sir; but I beg your pardon, sir, I forgot to speak to you about my son ! I hope you've no fault to find vith Sammy — Pick. None, whatever. p 106 SAM WELL Ell. Old TV. Wery glad to hear it, sir — I took a good deal o' pains vith his eddication, sir — let him run in the streets vhen he vas wery young, and shift for his-self — it's the only vay to make a boy sharp, sir. Pick. Won't you take anything, Mr. Weller ? Old TV. You're wery good, p'rhaps a small glass of brandy jist to drink success to Sammy, vouldn't be amiss. Pick. A small glass of brandy here, waiter. {Calling — Waiter brings brandy and exits?) Sam* Take care, old feller, or you'll have a touch of your old complaint, the gout, agin. Old W\ I've found a sovereign cure for that, Sammy ! {bolting the brandy.} Pick. A sovereign cure for the gout — eh ! I must note that down for the club, {takes oat note book) What is it? Old W. Vy this, sir ; the gout is a com- plaint that arises from too much ease and com- fort ; if ever you're attacked vith the gout, sir, jist marry a widder, as has got a loud woice, vith a decent notion o' usin it, and you'll never have the gout agin, it's a capital prescription, sir ; I takes it reg'lar, and I can varrant it to drive avay any illness, as is caused by too much jollity. Sam. You are a perfect wictim of connubi- ality, father ; as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain said, vith a tear of pity, vhen he buried him. Pick. Ha! ha! ha! {laughs) it's rather a novel receipt, certainly ! but I must go and join my friends — I am somewhat fatigued, and shall retire to bed early — you'll be in waiting, Sam» Sam. As sure as death and quvarter day, sir. SAM WELLE It- 107 Pick. I wish you good bye, then, Mr- Wel- ler — hope you'll speedily have some alleviation of your domestic grievances. \_Eocit Pickwick. Old TV. That's past hopin for, Sammy — that only rests vith the undertaker ; but vhat's that letter, you're twviddling about in your hand, Sammy — |C Pursuit of knowledge under difficul- ties !" eh ! Sam. Vy, to tell you the truth, I've bin a writin ! Old W. Not to any young oomao, I hopes, Sammy. Sam. Veil, it aint no use a sayin it aint — it's a walentine. Old W. A walentine! vhat, arter the vara in you've had o' your father's wicious perpensities — arter all I've said to you upon this ere wery subject — arter actuvally seein and bein in the company o' your mother-in-law, vich I should ha' thought vas a moral lesson, as no man could ever ha' forgotten, to his dying day — I didn't think you could ha' done it 5 Sammy! (puts handkerchief to his eyes.) Sam. Vhat's the matter now % Old W. Never mind, Sammy, — it vill be a werry agonizin' trial to me, at my time o' life — but I'm pretty tough, that's von consolation — as the wery old turkey, remarked, vhen the farmer said, he vas afeard— he should be obliged to kill him for the Lunnon market. Sam. Vot'U be a trial 1 old double vicket ! Old W. To see you married — to see you a deluded wictim — and thinkin in your innocence — that it's all wery capital — it's a dreadful trial to a father's feelings, that ere, Sammy. 108 SAM WELLE R. Sam. Nonsense — but I know youYeajudge o' these things — so I'll read you the letter. Old W. Veil, fire avay, my boy — but first ve'il have a glass of the inwariable — Vaitor ! Enter Waiter. A double go of the inwariable ! Wai. Yes, sir ! — Yes, sir 1 \Eocit Waiter. Old TV. They knows rny vays here. J£nter Waiter, with Liquor, which he gives to Old Weller, and eociis. Now go on, Sammy! Sam. u Lovely creetur, I feel myself a damned"— Old W. Eh ! that can't be— « damned !" Sam. No, it aint damned — it's -shamed" — there's a blot on it — ' 4 I feel myself ashamed — Old W. Wery good — go on. Sain. Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir I forget vhat this ere vord is {scratching his head) here's another blot— let me see, here's a 44 c" and a "i'-' and a " d."— Old W. 44 Circumwented," p'rhaps. Sam. No it aint, it's 44 circumscribed." Old W. Veil, that may be a tenderer vord.— Drive on. Sam. 44 Completely circumscribed in a dressing of you, for you are a nice young gal, and nothin but it." Old W. Drive on, Sammy. Sam. ' Q Afore I see you, I thought all oomen vas alike ; but now, I find vhat a reg'lar soft- headed ink-red'louse turnip 1 must ha' bin, for there aint nobody like you, and I like you SAM WELLE II. 109 better than nothin at all." I thought it best to make that mother strong. Old TV. Wery good, drive on. Sam. li I take the priviledge of the day, Mary, my dear, as the gen'lman in difficulties did, yen he valked out of a Sunday, to tell you, that the first and only time I seed you, your likeness vas took on my" — turn over ! — Old IV. Vhat, Sammy — took on your turn ovei 1 — Sam. Yes — you alvays puts " turn over," vhen you goes ou 'tother side. — ■ 6 Your likeness vas tookon my" — turn over — '' heart, — Exceptofme* Mary, my dear, as your walentine, and think over vhat I've said, my dear Mary ! I vill now con- clude." — That's all. OldW. That's rather a sudden pull up, aintitl Sam. Not a bit on't ; she'll vish there vos more, and that's the great art o' letter \vritin'. Old W. Yell, there's somethin' in that, and I vish your mother-in-law, ud only conduct her conversation on the same genteel principle — aint you goin' to sign it ? Sam. That's the difficulty, I don't know vhat to sign it ! Old W. Sign it Veller. Sam. Yon't do — Never sign a walentine vith your own name. Old W. Sign it Pickvick, then— it's a wery good name, and wery easy to spell ! P-i-k-v-i-k. Sam. The wery thing — I could end vith a werse, couldnt I. — Vhat do you think r Old W. I dont't like it, Sammy ! I never knowtf a respectable coachman, as wrote poetry— cept von, as made an affectiii' copy of werses 5 the 110 SAM WELLER. night afore lie vas hung, for a Highvay Robbery — but he vas only a Cambervell man — so even that's no rule. Sam. No matter ! I must end vith a werse, so here goes {writes) tC Your love-sick, Pick-vick !" Now then to direct it, {writes) "To Mary Ouse maid, at Mr. Waddle's, Manor Farm, Dingley Dell." There, that'll do. Old W . Veil, ndw then, vy as you consulted me — now to vhat I vanted to consult you about, Samivel ; it's a pint of domestic policy — this ere Stiggins, the shepherd — Sam. The red nose man, that I seed vhen I wisited mother-in-law, at Dorking"? Old W. The wery same ; this ere red nosed man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law, vith a kindness and constancy, as I never seed equvalled — he's sitch a friend o' the family, Sammy, that vhen he's avay from us, he can't be comfortable, unless he has something to remember us by. Sam. I'd give him somethin as 'ud turpentine and beesvax his memory, for the next ten years, or so, if I vas you. Old W. Stop a minute, I vas a goin to say, lie alvays brings a flat bottle, as holds about a pint and a half, vith him, and fills it vith pine apple rum, afore he goes avay — Sam. And empties it, afore he comes back, I supposes — Old W. Clean ! never leaves nothin in it, but the cork and the smell — trust him for that Sammy. Now, these ere fellers, my boy, are a goin to get up the monthly meetin o' the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Society! your mother-in-law vas to be there, Sammy, but she's SAM WELLE!!, Ill fot the rheumatics and can't, and I, Sammy, \e got the two tickets as vas sent her. Sam. Vhat are you vinking your right eye so for, have ye got the tic dolo reux in it ? Old TV. No, no ! this is it, you and I'll go punctuval to the time; the shepherd vont {laughs) ha! ha! ha! Sam. Vhat are you laughin at, old corpi- lence 1 I ne\er seed sitch an old ghost in all my born days. Old TV. Hush, Sammy; two friends of mine, as vorks on the Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, vill get the shepherd safe in tow, and vhen he does go to the Ebenezer Junction, vich he's sure to do, for they'll see him to the door, and shove him in, if necessary, he'll be as far gone in rum-and-vater, as ever he vas at the Markiss o' Granby, at Dorkin, and that's not sayin a little, either. Sam. I'll go vith you, father — I'll go vith you, you may depend upon me. Old W* Spoke like my own boy — veil, now then, Til finish the glass and say good-bye, (drinks) good night, my boy, and may this love match never cause you to know your father's sorrows. Sam. I'll see you to the door, Mr. Veller, senior, the gowernor von't vant me jist yet. [_Eoceunt Sam and Old Weller. Re-enter Mr. Pickwick. Pick. There, I've had a mouthful, and now I'll be off to bed ! late dinners don't suit me— they may stay as long as they like, they'll not leave their wine just yet ; besides I've got a 112 SAM WELLER. great deal to think about, though I declare the glass or two of wine, that I've taken, seems to have got into my head as it is — that plaguy Mrs. Martha Bardell, and that cursed Dodson and Fogg, but they won't bear reflecting on, they'll drive me mad — let me go to bed — I only hope I may sleep. — Waiter! {calls.) Enter Waiter. JVai. Sir 1 Pick. I can have a bed ? JVai. We've none but double bedded rooms. Pick. I can have one of them to myself, can't 1 1 JVai. Oh yes, sir; there's No. 22, will suit you capitally, sir — nice fire — all ready in it- sheets just air'd. and every thing — I'll show you up to it, sir. Pick. That will be the very thing ; tell my servant to bring me some hot water at eight o'clock, and that I shan't w r ant him any more to night. Wav I will, sir ; this way, sir. [Exeunt Pickwick and Waiter. Re-enter Sam. I've slipp'd that ere walentine into the post, so now it's off my mind — making love, for the first time, is like goin a svimmin, it's wery awk- vard, the first plunge, but it's nothin vhen you're us'd to it. Now, I've only got to dewote my faculties, to give that ere mulberry-painted, portable engine, Mr. Job Trotter, some compen- sation for the trouble he took, to let me know, I didn't know so much as I thought I did — I SAM WELL ER, 113 ■met vith him quvite casually, as it vere, as I vas a valkin down the town — wery glad to see me, he vas — I can't say — I squeez'd out of him, that he vas a courtiu on a cook, vhat had sav'd some money ; as he met at a chapel, vhere he vas singin " No. 4 Collection !" vho vas goin to set up in the chandlery line — and that he'd every reason to expect, as he vas to be the chandler.— Ulloa! the gowernor ! — vhat can he vant ?-^ Enter Pickwick. Pick. One might as well he in the maze, at Hampton Court — quite a labyrinth— as many ways down stairs, as there's streets in the Seven Dials— glad I've found my way here, at last — odd enough — left my gold watch behind me — family concern — couldn't sleep if it wasn't tick- ing over my head — apropos, Sam here ! — step in the next room, Sam, and get me my watch — it's lying on the table. Sam. Directly, sir! [FwitSAM, Pick. Droll — very droll— I should lose my way — it's quite plain, these old inns were built in the way they are, on purpose to make people stay in them— guests must be a month in them, before they get used to them— I must make a note of that, for the Club. Re-enter Sam, Sain. There's the ticker, sir ! Pick. Thank'ye, Sam — now then, I'll take my way back again — hope I shan't make any more mistakes — good night, Sam ! [Exit Pickwick, Sam. And I'll take my way to the tap— and Q 114 SAM WELLER, then off to the attic — as Milton said, vhen he yas writin " Paradise Lost," and drinkin small beer! [Exit Sam' Enter Aunt Rachel, Fat Boy, and Waiter. Rack, Very well. Waiter — you will send the Chambermaid to me— and provide a bed for ray attendant, here ! F. Boy. I can sleep any where — {snores)-— Wai. Find him a bed in the cock-loft, directly, ma'am ! [Exit Waiter. Rack. lam glad my brother has thought pro- per to send for me home again — sorry the coach only came part of the way, and stopped here— mine has only been a juvenile indiscretion — sus- ceptible hearts will sympathize — oh ! Lothario! — : cruel, false Lothario ! — Much injured Tupman, too — how my heart yearns to make you repara- tion, and become your wife — I was deluded — but my love is yours — heigho ! Enter Chambermaid. Cham. No. 22, ma'am — shall I show you to your room? jiacli. Do ? my goqd girl! Oh/Lothario! — Oh, much injured Tupman! — Get you to bed. Joe! [Exeunt Rachel and Chambermaid. F. Bny. She's crack'd- — that love has turn'd her wits — tell me to go to bed !— as if there was any occasion to tell me that— they says I'm always asleep — they doesn't know how I lays awake at nights— and every body has their day- dreams, sometimes, and aint always awake, as well as me— but what's more, are very often SAM WELLER. 115 caught napping — how drowsy talking does make one ! Song, Fat Boy. Am—" WYre a' Xoddin," I'm always noddin ! nid,, nidj noddin ! I'm always noddin ! abroad and at home ! The Butler loves ale, aud little to do, The Cook loves a sop, and loves a dram too ; The Footman loves Mary, she loves him, he thinks, While Mary loves the Groom — bat I loves forty winks ! For I'm always noddin ! nid, nid, noddin J I'm always nodding ! — abroad or at home. (Falls asleep at the end of song, in chair - — 'Waiter enters, to show him to his Room, finds him asleep, — can't wake him, and carries him off on chair.) SCENE II. Bed Room Gallery, in Great White Horse Inn ; Range of Bed Rooms, numb ered2\ 9 22,23,^24, Enter Pickwick. Pick. Well, there certainly never was such a puzzling place, as this — I've been up a dozen flights of stairs, and come to the lord knows how many landings, without arriving at Port — but I think Tin all right now. Yes, this is certainly the identical gallery— let me be sure, I find the right number — two numbers very much alike! — 21, that can't be it — they aint at all alike — 24, nor this, neither — 23, they're very much alike — but, stay, what's this % 22 ! — that must be it, they're quite alike — I'll just peep in, to make 116 SAM WELLER. snre I'm correct* (opens dooi\ and peeps in.J Yes, there is a blazing fire — the candle, I sup- pose, has gone out. — Well, I can undress myself without it, so here goes, to pop myself under the counterpane. tEocit Pickwick, into Room, No. 22. (A short pause.') Enter Aunt Rachel, and Chambermaid, with Light. Cham. That is your room, ma'am, No.22 — shall I take in the light, and turn down the clothes % Rack. No — no I — Chambermaid — I will do that myself — give me the candle. You will call me at seven — but let one of your Ostlers call the stout youth, you saw with me, at five ! as he always takes a couple of hours, getting his eyes open. Cham I'll take care — good night ma'am. \JEtdcit Chambermaid. Rach. Good night ! — Dear me, its very odd — but I never can help thinking of my unpro- tected, solitary condition, just as lam going to bed. It's very hard, having two chances, as I had, after having waited so long, that I should miss them both — I certainly cannot afford to lose much more time now ! — though every body must allow I'm in the height of my bloom ; quite in my prime — not like those green, unripe, in- experienced, pinafore chits, that all the fel- lows run after so, now o' days, in preference to maturer beauty ; but I'll take care how I let slip another chance— heigho ! oh Lothario ! oh Mr. Tupman ! But let me go and put my hair SAM WELLER. 117 in curl, I've got some fancy yellow paper — one likes to look tasty, even within the arms of Morpheus. [Exit Aunt Rachel, into No. 22. Enter Sam, rather fresh. Sam. Veil, certainly this ere Ipsvich ale is wery strong, and my gowernor — Mr. Pick- vick, is a wery good feller — my place is a wery nice place — Mary is a wery pretty girl 7 and that ere Job Trotter is a wery great willin, and every thing is wery comfortable- mine's a wery cheering prospect, as the man said, vhen he look'd out o' the Pillory, and saw the rotten eggs a coming — veil, it is but fit it should be, for the roads I've travell'd through, aint bin wery much macadamized, as yet — and turn, and turn about, is fair play, as the show- man said, vhen he vhopped the boys, vho turned the round-about. Talking of round-abouts, I certainly have had some quveer ups and downs ; von of these ere times, I shall make a song of my life and adwentures, 4< The youthful days of Mr. Samevel Veller," a wery good idea — {loud screams heard in Bed Room, No. 22, and cries of' 6 Oh, Lord! oh, Lord rj— Ulloa ! vhat's in the vind now % — as the devil said, vhen he vent to collect his tithes ! (Bed Room Door, No. 22 y is burst open, and Aunt Rachel, in White Bed Gown, and Yellow Curl Papers, and Mr. Pick- wick, in Flannel Robe and Long Night Cap rush output in their haste stick together in the Door- way, both screaming out " Murder" '' Thieves,'* u Fire," fyc.fyc. — Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tup- man^ with Laiidlady, Servants of Inn, fy Guests? half -dressed, enter from all sides, in great alarm.) 118 SAM W1ELLER. Snod. What, in high heaven's name, is the matter? Rack. Preserve me from this ravisher — this monster ! Pick. Oh, my dear friends ! here's a woman got into my room. Tup. Palpitating situation ! Win. Poaching again ! Land. The terrible old Turk! Rach. Joseph! — why Joseph, I say! D— that boy — he's asleep again. — What will become of me?— I'm ruined! — Oh ! — {faints in Tup- maris arms, hiding her face.} Land. The character ©f my house will be gone for ever — call in the Mayor's officers, they're down below. — Mr. Dubberly, Mr, Grum- mer ! — {calling?) Pick. My dear madam — on the honour of a gentleman ! — Enter Eubberly and G rummer, with Constat bles Staff and Poker. Grum. Eh ! breaking the peace — where are the malefactors ? — In the King's name I charge you.— Sam. Ulloa ! squalls abroad ! — Win. This is worse than the boarding school. Land. There stands the culprit — take him up, then knock him down. — Sam. Veil, you're going it, old Blazes — but you must knock him down, afore you takes him up — and that aint exactly feesable, vhile I'm here ! — Grum. Ah! a rescue! fire at the willains — SAM WELLE It. 1 19 Mr. Dubberly, you've got tbe red-hot poker — secure them — bring in the parish chair. Snod. I will protect him at the hazard of my life l Sam. Stand off, old Blazes. Grum. Down with them ! Octetto and Cjiorus, (Omnes 7 severally.") Air-?" Tow, row, row !" Pick. — Zounds ! what now — what a row, Dub.— Keep the peace, sir ! or I'll floor you. Sam. — Show me how — come on now, RacTi. — In the King's name, I implore you. Land. — Lay them low — make them bow, Pick. — Rascals, soon we'll triumph o'er you. Sam. — Well, I vow — smooth your brow, Here's your mother coming for you ! Grum. — Crack his crown — knock him down, Was there ever such a villain ; Snod. — Stupid clown — do him brown, Give the vagabond a milling ! Sam. — You may frown — all your town, I would leather for a shilling ! Dub. — Self you'll drown — in his gown, When the Mayor gives you a drilling * nines. — What a row, &c. {During the singing this, Sam floors Grum- mer — Snodgrass and Winkle attach Dubberly. Mr. Pickwick is secured by Chambermaid and Landlady — Old Sedan is brought in — Sam, fyc. are overpowered—Pickwick, Sam, Snodgrass and Winkle are borne off in custody, followed by omnes. Fat Boy enters, half dressed, and half asleep — as they are going — yawns, stares vacantly about, and walks quietly after them— singeing his nose, with the candle as he goes off-) 120 SAM WELL ER, SCENE III. Justice Hall, in the Mansion of Mr. Nuprins, the Mayor. Enter Nuprins, and Jingle, as Captain Fitztory. Nap. Duty is my motto, in every station of life, my dear friend, Captain Fitztory. My daughter's happiness, before every thing. I had certainly intended that an union should take place between her and young Sidney Porkenham, but as it appears your fortune is somewhat superior, and you are a Captain, why, of course, that alters the case. As an affectionate father, 1 shall give my consent to your nuptials. Jin. Matchless man — distinguished magis- trate — worlds of gratitude — happiest day of my life ! — honored — flatter'd — Henrietta — Mother's beauty ! — Father's virtue ! — accomplished ! — lovely ! — rich!— very ! Nup. Why, yes ; I don't want to brag, Cap- tain — but from the days of Magna Charta, for that is my Epocha, the JNupkins have always cut a conspicuous figure in the county. Jin. Don't doubt it. Whipping posts— stocks -—-cage — (aside.} — (hell rings, and noise heard without.} — Eh ! business, Nuppy — poaching — pheasants — peasants — joskins — whip 'em — fine 'em — sacred duty — justice — I'll vanish — Mrs. Nupkins — pay respects — see lovely bride — whis- per how I'm transported — blush — sigh — dear Alfred ! — tender — very — very ! — Come back directly— trounce the villains — trounce 'em — good for the nation — necessary — very ! \Exit Jingle* SAM WELLEK. 121 Nup. A noble fellow ! — he'll do honor to me. But what is tliis ? — a charge 1 — let me call my clerk, Mr. Jinks, and get ready to receive it. — - Mr. Jinks! — Mr. Jinks! (calling.) Enter Jinks, with Table^ two Chair s % and Writing Apparatus. Jinks. Yes, sir ! Nup. To business — we must uphold the great principles of Magna Charta, Mr. Jinks— stick to that— Punish every body I — Jink. Yes, sir ! Grum. (without) Bring; them along, this way ! Nup. Be firm, Mr. Jinks — this looks like a serious riot— we have the great Bulwark, to support us. Enter Grummer, Dubberly, and Constables, with Sam, Pickwick, Snodgrass, and Win- kle,, Prisoners— follmvcd by Landlady, 8f4>* Hey day ! — hey day! — what is the meaning of all this 1 Pick. Is it thus, that the liberty of the subject — Snod. I demand an ample retribution ! Win. I have been sported with.— Sam. Pickvick and Principle, I says! this ere old genlman viil soon put every thing to rights. Nup. Silence! silence! order, I say, or III commit you all, on the authority of Magna Charta. — Sam. And whose Carter is he 1 Nup. Silence, that ruffian. Now then, what is the charge ? R 122 SAM WELLER. Land. Please your worship, this man, No. 23, has been violently assaulting No. 22, a most respectable lady 5 who will be here pre- sently, to swear to it. Grum. Yes 3 your washup; this ere Piekvick, and these ere t'other rhinoscerusses. — - Sam. Isay 3 come— come — none of that ere, old Strike-a- light. Beg your pardon, sir, but this ere hofficer of yourn, in the gambooge tops, 'ull ijever earn a decent livin, as a master of the ceremonies, any vhere; this ere is S. Piekvick, Esq --this ere's Mr. Snodgrass, and this ere's Mr. Yinkle, three wery respectable gen'lmen, as you'll be proud to make the acquvaintance on, vhen you knows 'em. Nup. Ulloa ! ulloa ! who is this man, Gru ra- ni er ? Grum. A wery desperate character^ your washup, he attempted to rescue the other pri- soners, and assaulted the hofficers in a double compacity— so ve took him into custody. Nap. You did quite right — put all the depo- sitions down, Mr. Jinks ; the fellow is evidently an outrageous ruffian ! Pick. He is my servant, sir ! Nup. Oh J oh ! — another of the gang— put it all down, Mr. Jinks! Sam. And score under it, old Bush-vig. Nup. What is your name, scoundrel 1 — Sam. No, that aint my name — I rayther sup- poses, as you vants to give it me— it must be your own property ! Pick. Sam ! — Sam !— be quiet! Sam. I am as dumb as a drum, vith a hole in it ! SAM WELLE R. 123 Nup. Mr. Jinks, he hasn't told his name, you see, so put it down. Will you tell your name, sir ! Sam. Sam Veller ! Nup. A very good name for the Newgate Calendar — put it down, Mr. Jinks ! Sam. Two l's, old feller — Nup. Do you spell it with a V. or a W. Sam. That depends on the taste and fancy of the speller — I never had occasion to spell it more nor vonce or twice, in my life, and then I spelTd it vith a Wei Nup. Put that down, Mr. Jinks — spells W, with a V — where do you live, sir ? Sam. Vherever I can ! Nup. Put that down, Mr. Jinks— put that down — he is a vagabond by his own confession — so I can commit him, according to Magna Charta! Sam. A wery impartial Justice, this ere ! — Doesn't show any preference — commits his-self, as veil as every body else ! Nup. Silence, sir ! I shall hold the three prin- cipal prisoners to bail — and fine this man, five pounds, for every assault — and keep him in custody till it's paid. Pick, But hadn't you better hear the evidence first, and let us know what we've done"? Nup. Not at all necessary, sir ! {Jinks whis- pers Napkins.) Nup. Ah ! true ! — I shall, in my clemency, give you the privilege of our glorious Magna Charta ! — Call in the complainant ! Sam. Ah ! let's have somelhin to complain on. Nup. Silence* sir ! \24 SAM WELLER, Gram. This ere Pickvick, is a veil known, abandoned character, your washup — a wery great dilly quent — he vas cotch'd trying to run avay vith a whole hoard in school o 1 young; wir- gins — and he's being indicted for a breach of promise of marriage and bigamy, tins ere wery moment. Nap. Horrible profligacy ! none of our wives or daughters are safe, with such a hoary-headed sinner— but here comes the lady ! Enter Aunt Rachel, supported by Tupman^ followed by Fat Boy. Nup. Now, madam, assert your wrongs, there stands the desperado ! Sam, {seeing Rachel.) Veil, vas there ever sich a start, as this ere ! Pick. What's this ? Miss Rachel Wardle ! Rach Good heavens ! how have I been mis- taken ! Miv Pickwick— I beg a thousand par- dons ! JVup. Eh! what, acquaintances! but that mustn't impede the course of justice ! it's con- trary to Magna Charta! — Friendship mustn't suborn the evidence — can you throw any light on this bed-room affair, youth '?— (F. Boy snores) — put that down, Mr. Jinks — I confirm the conviction — -it's a clear case— I confirm the conviction ! Pick. But, Mr. Magistrate, this is entirely a mistake— I have long been intimate with that lady. I entered her room entirely in error ! Nap. Yes, yes \ — I know you did. Rach y I withdraw all charge — I would trust my life in the hands of that gentleman, sir ! S A M W EL L E R, 125 Nap. I must bind you over to prosecute, ftmlam— two sureties in forty pounds — nothing but vigorous measures will do, in these times; already has there been a rebellion in the town. of all the day-scholars, at one of the principal seminaries — a respectable apple-woman's win- dow has been broken, contrary to Magna Charta - — the civil power must be supported — I have faced greater dangers than this! — You recollect the Suffolk bantam, and Norfolk Dumpling, Mr, Jinks? Sam. Ve must get out of this, somehow, I'll try vhat Mr. Trotter s influence vill do. Enter Jingle, Jin. Now, Nuppy— lunch waiting— cold ton=^ gue — chicken — sherry — commit 'em all — empty stomach — bad for health — wand too — awkward — vulgar — very — very — very ! Sam. Caught at last. — Veil, this beats Stilton. Pick. What do I see ? — the villain, Jingle ! Nup. Jingle ! no, sir 5 my son-in-law, that is to be — Captain Fitztory ! Jin. 4< Angels and ministers of grace" — all up — mine sprung — no go — must bolt. Pick. Another victim, f Captain !' — he's an im- postor, a swindling stroller— run away with this lady, to obtain her fortune — extorted money from her friends — my associates here can prove it — but I'll expose him— I w r as in search of him. Nap. His looks convict him — and going to marry my daughter — what will the Porkenhams and the Griggs, and the Slummingtons, say — shall I commit him— what's to prevent me ! Jin. Pride — pride — old fellow ! — wouldn't do 126 SAM WELLER. — no go — caught a Captain, eh! ha! ha! very good husband for daughter — biter bit — make it public — not for worlds — look stupid — very ! Nnp Villain ! Jin. Ha ! ha ! Captain for ever ! nothing like it — Catch the girls — scarlet coat— scarlet fever ! no matter tall young man — old lover — Sidney Porkenham rich — fine fellow — not so rich as Captain though, eh ! — turn him away — off with him— anything for Captain — nothing like Captain anywhere — eh, Nup, — eh ! Nup. Remove the villain— leave the house, sir. Pick. Stay, sir, {to Jingle) you are exposed, disgraced — I might have taken a revenge much greater — this leniency, I hope, you will remember — but ere you go, let me inform you, I consider that you are a rascal and a ruffian^ and worse than any man I ever met with. Jin. Ha! ha! good fellows Pickwick — fine heart — stout old boy — must not be passionate- bad thing — very !— might do you a sen ice— thing you little dream of — but shan't — bye-bye — see you again, some day — keep up your spirits — where's my servant, Job — where are you Job ? Enter Job Trotter. Sam. Ulloa! here he is — vhy ve vere, this wery moment, speakin on you — how are you! vere have you bin 1 come in > and then Til show you out! how does the chandlery business go on ? how happy you look, have you got the cook! you'll have a bastin presently I let me hand you to the door — come, come, don't baptize your willany here, you hypocrite, in that manner— now a int you a wery nice young man. SAii WELLElt. 1 27 Nnp, Out with them — out with them — out with them. Sam. Vith pleasure — that vay gen'lmen — take care how you go. {trips up their heels^ and kicks; them off.) Nap. A worthy riddance — you have nobly furthered the purposes of Magna Charta, gentle- men — you are now at liberty. Pick. I'm pleased to have a second time — preserved a lovely female from a scoundrel. Miss Wardle ; I have occasioned you some inconveni- ence, let me repair it ; my good friend, Tupmaa here — relieve his anguish, soothe his despairing heart — he loves you still. Rach. Tracey ! (tenderly.) Tup. Rachel ! {They embrace — Fat JBoy snores.) Sam. (who has returned) He's vinking at their reconciliation — vot a young Bore Con- §trictur it is — veil, I've polish'd off that Mr. Job, left him lying sprawling in an ingun bed 5 he can cry as long as he likes there. Pick. We'll now depart, with thanks, sir, for your courtesy — come friends for town — the hea- viest of my trials is at hand — we must be prepared Sam. Aye — aye — all's now as it should be, as the oyster said to the tub, vhen the knife slipped,, and cqt the girl's thumb off — it's all right now. [Exeunt Pickwick, Snodgrass and Winkle— Aunt Rachel and Tupman shown off by Nupkins, Grummer, Dub- berly, and Jinks, followed by Landlady, Con- stables, Sam, and Fat Boy, snoring. 128 SAM WELLE It. SCENE IV. Old Palace Yard, outside of Westmister Hall. Enter Old Weller, Old W. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Veil vas there ever sich a game! — As my Sammy, didn't come, of course, I didn't vait for him — so I goes to this ere Temp'rance^ Society, all alone, by myself and there they vas — a reg'Iar mixtur o' vater drinkers of every description.— Tea and vater drinkers— Gin and vater drinkers — Rum and vater drinkers, and Brandy and vater drinkers — all but salt and vater drinkers, but there varn't none o' them— no thank'ye — veil, arter they'd swallowed the draft of a report — who should come in, but the Shepherd, his wery self! and the first thing he did, being wery drunk, vas, as in duty bound, to say every body else vas drunk. — And it wasn't 'till I'd manifested the truth to him vith half a dozen knock down arguments — that I con- vinced the reverend gen'Iman — that he vasn't quvile compos, and hadn't a leg to stand on. Ha ! ha! ha ! didn't I bonnet him, neither! {laughs immoderately. ) Enter Sam. Sam. Ulloa old wenerable— vhat are you puttin yourself in sich a paroxysm for? makin yourself so precious hot, that you looks like a aggrawated glass-blower. Vhat fancy is it as is ticklin up your funny bone, in this ere Vayl! Old W. He's in for it Sammy ! he's in for it e Sam. Who's in for it? SAM WELLEK. 129 Old \V. Vy the Shepperd — twelve glasses deep of rum and vater — vith a good hid in — and a night's lodgin in the Station House, into the bargin — all performed by me!— Your dutiful father, Toney Veller — as vitness my hand ! Sam. Vhat have you bin a reginerating him 1 — Veil, I am glad on it — von half of these fel- lers, as belongs to the Temp' ranee Societies— don't desarve nothin less, than to die, of the Hy- drofobia, under a feather-bed, and not on it. Sorry I varn't there to ha\e seed the lark, and ha* lent a helpin hand. — But come — are you prepared to go to the Court vith me % because the Gowernor's trial is acomin on, and I'm a XJtness. Old TV. QuviteVeady, Samivel — but apropos, as they says ; if your Gowernor vants any vit- nesses to character, or to prove a alleybi — all I can say is, I've bin turnin over the business in my mind, and he may make- his-self perfectly easy, Sammy — I've got some friends as vill do either for him — but my adwice vill be this ere, never mind the character — but stick to the alleybi. Sam. Vy he arn't a goin to be tried at the Old Bailey ! Old W. That ere forms no part of the present consideration, Sammy— Vhereever he is agoin to be tried, my boy — a alleybi is the thing to get hm off — Ve got Tom Vildspark off, that ere manslaughter of his'n, vith a alleybi, vhen all the big vigs, to a man, said as nothin could save him, and my 'pinion is, Sammy — that if your Gower- nor don't prove a alleybi, hell be vot the Italians call— reg'larly flummoxed— and that's all about it s 130 S A M WEL LER, Sam. Veil, veil! I von't argefy vitli you, old Prussian-blue — have it all your own vay ! But let's be off there at vonce — so come along. Old TV. Aye, aye, my boy — the alleybi vill do the trick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Ecvit Old Weller and Sam- Enter Wardle, Isabella, and Emily. War. No I no ! girls — I couldn't remain in Dingley Dell, and know there was so important an affair, as my friend Pickwick's trial, about to be decided \ the 14th of February — it is to come off to-day— from this spot, we may gain the earliest intelligence — Rachel must wait 'till we return. Isa. Winkle's a witness, is he not, papa"? War. Yes, yes — make your mind easy, girl; you will be sure to see him ! Em. And Mr. Snodgrass, pa ? War. Yes, Snodgrass too ! Em. Then there's no doubt, Sir, who will win the day — noble Augustus ! — War. They're both good fellows, and when the trial's over, if you still hold in the same mind — Em. My love's unalterable, sir, as fate! War. Aye, aye — well, then, if you're wil- ling, ftnd they're ready, why, I don't know that I shall oppose your passion. Isa. That's a dear, good, pa! — I'll take care Mr. Winkle don't offend the laws ! No game without a certificate — he shan't sport, unless he has a license ! Em. I need no surety but Augustus's love — Snodgrass and truth are one I SAM WELLER. 131 Isa. Winkle must quit his club — 111 have no clubs — selfish, unsociable things ! — 1 only wish all the women had my spirit ; wed soon put down all the clubs, or else we'd set up a Ladies' club, of our own. Em. Yes, sister, and admit all the gentlemen into it, the very first thing. — No ! no! — that would never do ! Isa. Why we might leave the door open, a leetle bit, to be sure — only just a-jar, at all events, we shouldn't lock it. But no clubs, for me, I say ! Em. Bless me, how imperative you've grown. Isa. Yes, yes — we don't mean to take things as we used to do — Petticoat government, is the order of the day, so Petticoat government for ever ! Em. Well, well, you may turn white-ser- jeaut, if you please ; I would but reign within a loving heart — my views are not so lofty! War. Dear me, I wish I could gain some in- telligence — I'm all anxiety — my poor friend, Pickwick ! Em. Hope all, sir! Snodgrass upholds him — his noble eloquence, is certain to convince the judge of Mr. Pickwick's innocence — he will at once get his acquittal. War. Would it may prove so— but I've my doubts, my poor enthusiastic simple Emily ! Em. Weil, you will see, sir ! Oh, Augustus! soon may we meet once more, within that mystic circle, love's own Bridal ring, never to part again ! 132 SAM WELL Kit. Song, Emily. Air— ■« The Bridal Ring." The wishes and hopes of my earlier years, 7 Once seaPd, Love, shall guard for ever ; While of other times, the doubts and fears, Dispell'd, shall revisit me never ! Sacred and sweet, the nuptial kiss, From the heart to the lips will spring 5 When he'll place, on my ringer, the pledge of bliss — \ Rove's Bridal Ring — Love's Bridal Ring ! Isa. Hey ! here comes some one, father! — : Ah, Mr. Winkle ! Now we shall know. | fSnter Winkle, in great agitation. War. Welcome, welcome, Mr, Winkle. — • Well, the trial7— lsa. Yes, is it over — is it favourable? You will excuse, sir, our anxiety ! Win. My dear friends — Miss Isabella — I— that is— Mr. Pickwick— that is— the judge — that is — ask Snodgrass ! Oh ! (Covers his face with his hands in an agony of grief, and rushes off.) Isa. But, Mr. Winkle ! Sir ! Eh ! bless me, very odd ! War. The man's gone off, as if he was shot. Mm Mo matter— here is Snodgrass! — he'll soon tell us — dear me, how wild he iopks ! E?iter Snodgrass, wildly. Now, dear Augustus! War. Aye, aye — Snodgrass, tell us, the ver- dict— ^~is it over !— He's nonsuited.— Aye ! Aye ! Aye ! Snod. AdorableEmiiy! I — I — (Makes several ineffectual attempts to speak, then rushes out, covering his face with his handkerchief.) SAM WELLER, 133 War. Confound it — Snodgrass — Snodgrass. Suod — grass (Calling?) Why, he is worse tliaq t'other — he's struck dumb — the other wouldn't tell us — and he seems as if he couldn't. Em. Exquisite sensibility, worthy his poet's soul— 'tis lost— -the trial's lost. War. 'Gad, I begin to think so — but stay, we must not judge too hastily — here's Mr. Weller — we shall get a rational answer from him, at all events. Enter Sam, mrowfully* Now, Mr. Weller-^now, your news ! Isa. and Em. Ah ! do, dear Mr. Weller ! — Your master — he is triumphant, surely ? Sam. Wery triumphant indeed — that is, the rewerse vay ; but I'll tell you about it — and tq pheer up my spirits, I'll give it you in a bit of a song. Song, Sam. ' Air— " Marlbrook." There can be no sort of denial, That an anxious thing is a trial, Vhen you have got to rely all On L A W, Law; No matter vhat it's for— Debt, contract, or faux-pas*; I don't vish the law to disparage. But I'll tell of a shocking miscarriage, 'Bout a breach of promise of marriage, In vhich justice show'd a flaw-— ; I'll show the chance of law, Vhich has sich a wery long claw ; Its quirks and its vexation, Expence and ruination — Its tricks and its ewasion — Glorious uncertain Law. ( Spoken) — Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz addressed the jury for the plaintiff. He pump'd out to 'em, how, that his client, Mrs. Bardell vas a vidder as let lodgins, and how Mr. Pickvick vas a gen'lman a§ took 'era j 134 SAM WELLER. and then he produced two scraps of paper, about some chops and some sarce, and a slow coach and a vanning pan, vich he said every body- knew, vas clearly a promise of marriage — and how that Mrs. Bardell had taken Mr. Pickvick in, and vanted to do it agin — and how she had contracted to lodge and do for him, and he trusted an enlight- ened jury vould help her to accomplish her vishes, and about twelve more sacks of chaff, all to the same purpose ; then he call'd a whole lot o' vitnesses, and vhat he said they all swvore to ; arter vhich, the judge popp'd out at a back door to get some mutton chops and sherry., and so ended the first part of the chapter ; — For quirks and for wexation, Expence and ruination — For tricks, and for ewasion — There's nothing like the Law. Vith many a fine oration, And cross examination, They prove to demonstration, Vhat they're contending for. Each other they clapper claw, Till their vigs are ready to thaw ; Like Richard the Third, at Drury, The council all sound and fury, Address'd the judge and jury, And their attention draw : You'd think them really at var, But bless you 'tis all jaw ; For quirks, and for wexation, Expence and ruination — For tricks, and for ewasion, There's nothing like the Law. (Spoken)— Mx. Serjeant Snubbins rose to address the Court for the defence: — "My Lud and Gentlemen of the jury," said he, "this may be more truly called a cause for costs, than a cause for damages ; it is vhat is technically call'd an attorney's cause — a cause for vhich there is no cause at all. Mutton chops and matri- monial chops have bin most ingeniously mixed up together, to mislead you ; my learned friend has not only served them up to you vith Tomata sauce, but he has given you plenty of his own sauce, in addition. He has talked [to yon, gentlemen, of a varming pan— he must have had his face sufficiently rubbed vith it, to have acquired brass enough to come into this Court, vith a cause so utterly groundless and contemptible. I am much mistaken, if my learned friend will not discover before he has done, that there are some hot coals, in this varming pan of his, that he has been unvise to stir up, as he is wery likely to burn his fingers in so doing ; the notes merely referred to lunches, not to love, and as to the slow coach, it vill be found to be von, in vhich the only fare will be Mrs. Bardell herself, and vhicrf vill require my learned friend and his employers* SAM WELLER. 135 Dodson and Fogg, to vork like horses, I vrll not say asses to drag, vith any satisfaction, through the up-hill undertaking in vhich they have engaged. Mr. Justice Stareleigh summed up, and said, that if the plaintiff vas right, it vas quite clear the defendant must be wrong ; and if the defendant vas wrong, it vas equally evident the plaintive must be right ; they vould consult all their sagacity, and decide accordingly. The jury returned a verdict for the plain- tiff— damages, seven hundred and fifty pounds. For quirks, and for wexation, Expence and ruination — For tricks, and for ewasion — There's nothing like the Law.* War. What ! seven hundred and fifty pounds damages ! Well it may be law — but damn me if it's justice. Sam* So the eels said, sir ! vhen the Lord Chancellor's cook, vas a skinning 'em for his Lordship's dinner ! but here's the gowernor. Enter Mr. Pickwick. Pick. Ah my dear friends — well you know the result — but not a halfpenny, either of damages or cost, do Dodson and Fogg, get, if I stay in a Debtors Prison all my life for it! War. I scarce can blame you ; ■ but may not a new trial. — Pick. No ! no ! I've had enough of law, my friend. War. Well, but they may compromise. — Pick. I cannot hope it ! War. If you want money, — Pick. Nay, my means are ample — my mind is made up. I will not yield to such injustice— where are you staying ? * This Song, with the whole of the pleadings, and the evidence at length, may be had complete, in the Collected Edition of the Author's Comic Songs! now publishing, in Numbers, by Duncombe and Co., Book 'and Music Sellers, Middle-row, Holborn. 136 SAM WELL ER. , War. At Gould's Hotel. Pick. I'll meet you there — perhaps this even- ing ; I'm somewhat ruffled now. War. We shall expect you — we'll not disturb you now. — Good bye, old friend — keep up your spirits — rely on this, should aught occur — you understand — it may— to prevent your promised visit to my girls and me — come what will come, you will find, we'll visit you. Come Bella, Emily — good bye — good bye — God bless you. Pick. Thankye^-Thankye — Bless you. (Wardle, Isabella, and Emily, grasp Mr. Pickwick's hand with expressions of the deepest commisserqtion and sympathy, and silently epit— Mr. Pickwick is much moved* Pick. I must not yeild to this ; I wish the worse were come. Sam. {looking off ) I don't know vhether this is the vorst l-^but here seems something quite bad enough coming, as the man's leg sakl to the mortification ! Enter Namby and Smouch, Two Bailiffs — Namby ivalks up to Mr. Pickwick and taps him on shoulder. Pick. Do you want me, sir ! Nam. Not at all, sir! ve don't vant you, 'cos Vy, ve've got you ! I've a little bit of a execution agin you ; " Bardell and Pickvick" — you may look at the Varrant ; likes to make every thing agreeable ! Sam. {knocking Namby' s hat off) Vy don't you take off your hat — vhen you speaks to a gen'lman. Nam. That's an assault— I call you to bear vitness. {to Pickwick,} S A M W E LL KR. 137 Sam. Don't bear no vitness at all, sir ! but only give me leave — and, in five minutes, I'll so polish off both these ere two Laughing Hyenas, that even their own mothers shan't know 'em agin. Pick. Sam, I desire you — I command you — not to molest them — they do but do their duty — take up that hat! Sam. Beg your pardon, sir! but I'll be damn'd if I do— and if he wenturs to put it on agin, 'till you've done speaking— I'll knock him into thj middle of next veek. Nam. There's my card, sir! 4i Namby, Bell Alley" — I suppose you'll go to my house — every accomodation, and on the most reasonable terms. Sam. Board, a shilling a mouthful, and lodg- ing, five shilling a day, per square yard. Pick. No, sir! I will at once unto my des- tination—the Prison — I've no desire to tarry in my road— especially where there's such sorry accommodation. Nam. Hum ! He's not half a good un — not a gemman, by no means. — (aside.} — Oh ! if you're goin to prison, ve can't vaste no time on you — ve've got to attend to a gemman, so come along J Sam. Paws off, old carcase-monger— I'll vait on my master, if it's agreeable to you— you can follow ! — Pick. Stay, Sam— listen to what I am going to say ! Sam. Certainly, sir! fire avay ! — Pick. A prison is not the place to take a young man to ! — T 138 SAM WELLER. Sam. Nor a old von, neither, sir! — Pick. You are quite right, Sam ! But old men may go there through their own heedless- ness and unsuspicion — while young men may be brought there by the selfishness of those they serve — it is better for young men, in every point of view, that they should never go — do you understand me? — Sam. (doggedly.} Vy, no, sir ! I don't think I do! Pick. Try, Sam !— Sam. Veil, sir! \rayt\\er think I do see your drift now, and if I do, it's my 'pinion, you're a comin it a great deal too strong — as the mail coach said to the snow storm, vhen it overtook him. Pick. I see you comprehend me — you, for a time, must leave me, Sam !■ — Sam. (sarcastically.} Oh! for a time, Eh! sir! Pick. Yes, while I remain — your wages I shall continue to pay you. Any one of my friends will be happy to take you, were it only out of respect to me — and if I ever do leave prison, Sam, If I do — I pledge you my word, you shall return, Sam to my service, instantly. Sam. Now I tells you vhat it is, sir! this ere sort o' thing von t do at all , so don't let's hear no more about it ! — Pick. I am serious and resolved, Sam ! Sam. You are, sir ? Pick. Yes— so good bye, my good fellow ! — Now, gentlemen, 1 am at your service ! Nam. Oh ! ve'll trundle you along, in no time. [Exeunt Mr. Pickwick, with Namby and Smouch, leaving Sam, apparently paralized. SAM WELLER, 139 Enter Old Weller. Old. TV. Oh ! Samivel— Samivel !— I told you vhat vould come, my boy, if your gower- nor didn't prove a alleybi ! Sam. {recovering himself.} And so he's re- solved, Eh ! — wery good— then so am I. You've jist come in time, so don't be troubling your nob any more about alleybi's — but jist you listen to me^ till I've done— the gowernors gone to prison — and vhat's more, vont let me go vith him. Old TV. Vhat! stop there by his-self, poor creetur — that can't be done ! — Sam. In course, it can't — I knows that. Old W % Vy they'll eat him up alive — do him as brown as a roasted pigeon — it oughtn't to be. Sam. And vhat's more, it shan't — certainly not! — but how toprewent it — don't you see any vay of taking care on him ? Old TV. No, I don't — no vay — unless it's gettin him out in a turn-up bedstead, unbeknown to the Turnkeys ; or dressin him up like a old ooman, vith a green weil. Sam. Oh! you don't— don't you? — Veil, then, I'll tell you vhat it is — I'll jist trouble you for the loan of five-and-twventy pounds, Old W. Vhat good vill that do? Sam. Never mind — p'raps you may ax for it five minutes artervards— ^and p'raps I may say, I von't pay, and cut up rough— you von't think of arrestin your own son, for the money, and sendin him to the Fleet— you unnat'ral waga- bond 1 Old TV. I sees it all — capital — capital— ha ! ha! ha! (laughs immoderately .) 140 SAM WELLER. Sam. Vhat a old image, it is — vhat are you standin there, for — conwertin your face into a street-door knocker, vhen there's so much to be done — vhere's the money ? Old W. In the boot, here — hold my hat — now for it — {takes out large dirty pocket-book, and gives Sam notes.} — and now then, I knows a gen'lman limb o' the law, that'll do the rest of the business for us, in no time — von as has brains like a frog — all over his body — and reaching to the wery tips o' his fingers — so come along, Sammy — come along, and like a 'fectionate fa- ther — I'll lock you up in no time. Sam. Vot a cruel- hearted varment he is! — Von't you take my bill, at sixpence a month — ha ! ha ! ha! Veil, if you von't, you must have my body, as the dragon-fly said, veu he flew avay, and left his hinder half behind him. [Exeunt Sam and Old Weller. SCEN E V. Interior of the Fleet—Prisoners discovered. Chorus, Prisoners. Air — " Oh ! poor Luddy, Heiglio ! " 1 wish we were walking down the Strand, Luddites, Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe I The Traps shouldn't nab us, when out of land, Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe ! Terms and returns, they pass away, Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe I No matter, we all shall be free one day, Luddites ! Luddites ! Oh ! poor Luddites, I — Owe ! i SAM W E L L E R. I4l Turn, (without.) This way, 'Squire ! 1st Pri. Ha ! another bird cag'd ! — worthy subjects of King Lud ! to the gate ! the race is not always to the Fleet, but we'll have a run for it this time, at all events ! [Exit Prisoners. Enter Turnkey with Pickwick. Turn. Here you are, sir, and wery comfort- able you'll find yourself in no time — those ere genTman, residents here, vill soon find out you're a new von — and you'll have lots of ac- quaintances to prevent your feeling lonely — so good bye for the present, and make yourself at home. Pick. Thankye, friend. {Exit Turnkey. So here I am, the inmate -of a prison — this is the school to learn the world in ; severe, but salu- tary lessons. Well, I may now eonsider my- self regularly settled here — I have had my por- trait taken ; the Turnkeys have been staring at me for the last hour, to make sure they shall know me — and to-morrow I am to have a chum- mage ticket — a lodging provided gratis — with more advantages than I am aware of, or any body else — strange inconsistency — as I came in, a Dutch clock ticked upon the wall — a bird sang in a cage — wheels within wheels— a prison in a prison. (Muses.) Enter Jingle and Job Trotter, {not perceiving Pickwick,) the latter with a little hit of scrag of mutton in his hand. Jin. Eh! scrag of mutton — half a pound — all our allowance — sorry fare — quite — quick-™ quick — hungry— very ! — very ! 142 SAM WEL L ER, Job I could cry without trying now, but that I've got no gingham — we have made a miss of it — all on the poor side of things now— aye, e'en the poorest of the poor. The Fleet, poor side ! Pick, {arousing) Well, it's no use musing— I may as well perambulate this world of mine — make the small circuit of the town, that I must henceforth live in— I've no other now. Job. {seeing him) Eh ! what, but no, sure it can't be ! what, Mr. Pickwick ! Jin. Ah ! Mr. Pickwick ! A queer place this* sir, to meet in — parted so long, sir— aint it"? very — very! (affecting gaity.} Pick. Jingle, retributive powers — villain as he is, I cannot see his present misery, without compassion— can I speak a word with you ? Jin. Certainly, always at home — can't wan- der far — no danger of overwalking yourself here — Spike Park — grounds pretty, romantic, but not extensive — open for public inspection — family always in town — housekeeper desper* ately careful— very! but what has brought you here? Pick. I have lost a trial, and have come here for the damages. Jin. Martha Bardelll— Pick. The same — with costs, they will make near a thousand pounds. Jin. Ah ! what — oh villain — villain — but mum — no matter — cannot help it now. ( aside. ) Pick. You've forgot your coat !— Jin. Eh ! spout — dear relation — uncle Tom ! couldn't help it— must eat you know — -wants of nature — and all that. Pick. What do you mean 1 SAM WBLLER, 143 Jin. Gone, my dear sir ! last coat — can't help it — lived on a pair of boots— whole fortnight! — ill — hungry — deserved it all — but suffered much — very ! (Covers his eyes with his hands and weeps.) Pic. Come, come, we'll see what can be done when I know all about the matter. Here, Job, •—-where is that fellow Job ? Job. {coming forward). Here, sir ! Pick. Come here, sir ! (sternly) Take that ! (gives money) Go— get you wherewithal to com- fort you — this for the present — hereafter I may assist you with more lasting service ! Jin. God bless you — this I've not deserved ! Let me seek means some way to recompence my villainy, and prove my gratitude — -I'm not all vice! Come, Job-— quick— quick— food- food ! [Exit with Job. Pick. Poor human nature, guilt is its own avenger! We should judge gently, and deal mercifully! What can that dingy fly be creep- ing up that wall for, when he might rove in freedom where he lists,— the insect is decidedly insane. Enter Sam. Ah, Sam ! my good fellow, I am glad to see you, I thank you for this visit— let me explain to you my meaning more at large. Sam. Von't presently do 9 sir! Pick. Certainly— but why not now ? Speak out, Sam ! Sam. 'Clause I've got a little business as I vants to do, sir! I think I'd better see arte? it at once — the fact is — (hesitates),, Pick. Speak out! 144 S A M W E J, L E R . Sam. Veil, the fact is — pYaps I'd better see arter my bed, afore I do anything; else ! Pick, {with astonishment}. Your bed ! Sam. Yes, my bed — I'm a prisoner — I vas arrested this ere wery arternoon, for debt. Pick. You arrested for debt"? Sam. Yes, for debt— and the man as put me in, vill never let me out till you go out yourself ! Pick. Bless my heart and soul— what do you mean ? Sam. Vhat I say ! If its forty years to come, I shall be a prisoner, and I'm wery glad on it ? and if it had bin in Newgate, it vould ha' bin jist the same ! Now the murder's out — and damme there's an end on it! Pick, Faithful, noble fellow! If any thing could tempt one to pay the sum, for which I have come here, it would be gratitude — that through its means, I have experienced that, which I never could have done, but in a prison's walls — devotion without interest — faith under every difficulty ! — and what true worth may still be found, enshrined, sometimes, within an humble heart! I am not proof to such attachment! — We'll never part again !— good fellow ! your fortune henceforth must be mine ! Sam. No, none of that, sir! I arn't us'd to hear sich voids as these — -they somehow comes wery quveer to me — it r s no sich great things to brag on — to vish to keep vith a good master — and as to its bein here or there — the heart, sir! the heart ! is the thing, vhat I looks at ! — Pick. Well, well, Sam ! we'll say no more of this just now — I must go and look after our ac- commodations, for the night — I've got a direc- SAM \V£i, LEA. 145 lion to a Chancery prisoner, who has been here these five-and-twenty years. I am told he can provide for me— wait for me here — I will soon return. {Exit Pickwick. Sam. So, Vve got a footin in here, at last — I've had some trouble in doing it — but it is done — -this is a q « veer start, look-in people up, that aint so veil off as their neighbours — them as has alvays bin sottin in public houses, don't mind it — but them as has alvays bin bustlin about, and trying to get their living, it goes hard vith — in this respect, the Law is unequval ; and the sooner it's done avay vith 9 the better — I never heard but of von man as liked being shut up, in my life ; and he vas a little quveer feller, as they us'd to let go outside to smoke his pipe, every e\enin; but bein threatened to be lock'd out altogether, for having staid rather Jate, two or three times — blow me if he'd ever go out agin, for fear they shou'd keep their vords, in good earnest. Enter Jingle, Jin. Eh 1 Mr. Weller — you here! Eh! — snug place, this — very ! — aint it — all one's friends — see how it is— Marine — Fleet — voyage — out- ward bound— three months— the Straits of Por- tugal — clear bill — reach harbour— pleasant — aint it — very ! — Sam. Vy, if this ere aint that mortal rattle- snake, Jingle ! — Veil, I'm damn'd [—(stands a moment or two, stupified! then recovers himself. ^ now I should wery much like jist to beat him into a anatomy, only sickness and starvation seem to have done it afore me. u i 146 SAM WELLER. Jin. Know what you are pondering on— can't do it— heart won't let you — true Englishman — ? won't strike when down — faithful fellow ! — mas- ter a christian — X^tamn'd rascal— feel it— pinch'd within, here— (placing his hand on his bosorri) —very ! — Sam. Vy, yes. you seem to have bin raythev close pinch'd in your pantry, lately- — as the val- nut said to the nut-crackers— havn't put your head in the manger so reg'larly as you us'd to do— but vhat are you driwin at ? young cork- screw ? Jin. This — don't laugh— Pickwick, fine heart —very!— not always callous — feel gratitude — savd me from starving — gave me money — should have given — what 1 — blows— cuffs— deceiv'd— wrong'd— laugh'd at — no matter— didn't ! — He is in prison — Dodson and Fogg — damn'd scoun- drels — Mother Bardell — old hag !— my wife !— Sam. Your vife ! — wheugh — (whistles) — but aint you gammoning, Mister— this can't be real — it is too good ! — Jin. Pos — honor!— No, not honor— havn't got it — here's certificate — much better — thought she had money— found mistake, too late — left her day after marriage— plan to fleece Pickwick — threaten'd to blab — Dodson and Fogg gave money — were to give more — knew of it all — plot between the three— thought I was dead— deceiv'd though — very— -very ! — liv'd to repent —make reparation— and hope — live honest. Sam. Veil, vonders vill never cease — as the old lady said ? vhen she'd twvins — but how's this pre to sarve the gowernor— how's he to get out % Jin, Indict the parties — Conspiracy ! — Old § A M W ELLER. 141 Bailey — (rue bill — grand jury — bail, eight hun- dred pounds — Judges warrant — forty-eight hours' notice — search house — Police — Newgate — Dodson and Fogg — get in — let Pickwick out —and glad to get out ! — very ! Sam. Veil, this is all wery fine— but how ttf do it ? Jin. Leave that to me — know Jew Lawyer — Noisy Nosey !— lives in the rules — fine hand at an indictment— best in the world— take the job too, on spec — -talk to yourself — make conspiracy of it — prove it— give him ten pounds— -do it in ten minutes — first rate rogue — bold! — keen- knowing — very ! — Sam. Ten pounds ! I'd give him ten hundred, if I had it — if he'd only get the gowernor out o' this ere Pennytentiary ! Jin. Sav no more— -come alone 1 — down in the Fair — this way — all right — load off heart — better ! — calmer — gayer — very ! Sam. Bring this to bear, and spifflicate me if that ere Job Trotter turns parson, if I von't be- come von o' the congregation. Now, then, fol- low my leader, Mr. Jingle! for I don't mean to lose sight o' you, not till this ere is done — not by no means. [Exeunt Sam and Jingle. Enter Turnkey, with Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle. -Turn. This way, gentlemen — you'll find Mr. Pickwick in his hotel, here. [Shows them in and Exits. Snod. Pickwick in exile ! — Napoleon, at St. Helena! — to nought else can I liken our illustrious leader — great man — much persecuted sage! 148 SAM WE L L E K „ Win. I see him coming — he has a mackaref hanging from his finger — he gives it to an old woman ! — - Tup. He is here — my dear, dear friend ! Enter Pickwick, Pick. Welcome, my boys ! rejoiced to see you ! SnoL What we could do, we did for you ! Pick. Yes — yes— you certainly did for me — preserve me from my friends, I say! No matter — this is a sorry place to come to — but we'll be merry yet — I've taken a very beautiful room, five feet by four, at a pound a week, and hir'd a most capital pair of bellows, and other furniture, at thirty shillings a; week— so life will wear away, as swiftly here, as it would do in any other place. Snod % Sublime philosophy ! Tup. But have you then no hope t Pick. None — none ! Enter Sam, Jingle, and Job Trotter. Sam. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Pack up your thingSy sir ! Pick. Sam-— Sam — compose yourself — I have provided beds, a pair of bellows, and — ■ Sam, Beds ! — bellows ! — burn the beds — and blow the bellows. — Hurrah! — Hurrah! Pick. Sam, you are mad * — restrain this ex- citation — my friends, here, wish to walk with me awhile— get my stick. Sam. Stick — you must cut your stick ! — and prepare to take a wery long valk. Hurrah I — Hurrah ! — Pich. Why, 5am ! What has come to him ? how can I walk without my stick % 5AM WELLER. 149 Sam. Beg pardon — my heart's too full to speak ! — Mr. Jingle, here — is the wery best scoundrel as ever vas — and the long* and short of it is — you're a free man agin — Mother Bar- dell is married! — Dodson and Fogg's in New- gate! — all a conspiracy — Jingle, here, proved it — Mother Bardell's husband ! — here's your dis- charge ! (gives paper.} Pick. Amazement ! Sam. And vhat's more — three hundred pounds, to compromise the felony — and all this clever scoundrel, Jingle's, doins! — Jin. Friend Pickwick — can't say much — feel- ings won't let me — fact simply this — account — your debtor — ow'd you much— yes, much ! — this per contra — let us strike balance — if in my favor ! — give your note of hand ! — {takes hand.) Pick. This repays all — still all is not repaid — take this three hundred pounds — 'tis fairly yours— it will release you — live honest, and live happy ! Jin. Study new character— play new part — Eh ! — give up the villains — bad line of business — unprofitable — very! — I will — I will — bless you, old fellow ! — eternal blessings ! — repent- ance — gratitude I— (repressing his feelings.) — Damme, I want the word' — Job — Job — good bye — God bless you all I \Eocit Jingle, Trot, (advancing to Pickwick^ and appear- ing deeply affected.) Everlasting gratitude ! heartfelt tears ! — acknowledgments ! — oh ! oh ! (bursting into a roar.) Sam. Come, I say — none o' that ere, young cul- lender — this is too much of a good thing ! (forces Job Trotter off.) 150 SAM WELLKR. Enter Wardle, Isabella, Emily, and Aunt Rachel, followed by Mary, the House- maid, and the Fat Boy. War. Where is he? Ah ! my boy ! {shaking hands with Pickwick.} What ! all our friends here'? — There, girls, each take your partner. (Isabella, Emily, and Aunt Rachel, severally join Winkle, Snodgrass, and Tupman. Sam, sidles round to Mary. Fat Boy leans against Wall, and falls asleep.) We've come to stay a long while with you. Pick. Very sorry, my dear friends ! but I'm just going out — don't look incredulous ! All is discovered — the action's given up, and you've just come in time to accompany me home ! War. And never could we do it in a more glo- rious moment, than the accession of Beauty, Virtue, and Grace, to reign o'er Britain, and bless every heart! We must not lose a moment — come — Sam. But how am / to get out % — oh, I must stay here, vith Mary, I 'spose — any von might find comfort vhere she is. Mary. La ! Mr. Weller. Enter Old Weller. Old TV. Now SamiveL Sam. Eh! the old un — this is jist the wery ticket. Oh, you unnat'ral, hard-hearted, old war- mint — vot I've got you— give me my discharge or I'll have you put under the pump. £ Old TV. Vhat's, the gowernor a goin out ? — Veil then, promise to be a more dutiful little boy, for the future, and mend your prodigy vays SAM WKLLEIt. 151 — and you shall go out vith him. — Beg pardon, gen'l folks! Sam. Hurrah! Come Mary — now, sir! — and may every poor feller, vhat's in prison for debt, and can't pay, speedily follow our example — and that's the vorst vish of Sam Veller ! Come fa- ther ! come Mary ! Old TV. Vhat, the walentine — oh, Samivel — Samivel ! — But these ere cheeks ! — vy they're like a basket o' Love Apples — and then, she aint a vidder, that's von thing — so there mayn't be quvite so much wiciousness in her — so as the old coachman alvays loves a smack o' the vhip, and never refuses a fare — vy clap yourself along-side o' your father, girl ! — ya hip ! — War. I won't have another word, till we are outside these infernal walls — so this way— this way ! [Exeunt Wardle and Pickwick, Aunt Rachel and Tupman, Isabella and Winkle, Emily and Snodgrass, Sam, Mary, and Old Weller, bringing up the rear. Just as they go off, Fat Boy wakes himself with his own snoring, finds hes alone, looks vacantly about, sees the spikes, is frightened, and runs off. 152 SAM WELLEfU SCENE THE LAST. London^ on the Accession of the Queen. Enter Populace, in Holiday Clothes. Chorus, Omnes. Air — " Victoria." Chorus — " Der Freischitz." Victoria ! Victoria ! Victoria ! To her be all honor and glory ! Her name shall for ever adorn Britain's story ! Victroia ! Victoria ! Victoria ! Enter Wardle, Pickwick, Aunt Rachel and Tupman, Isabella and Winkle, Emily and Snodgrass, Sam, Mary 5 and Old Weller followed by the Fat Boy Pick. This is, indeed, a proud day for Old England ! — and adds a zest e'en to the joy we feel. — Wardle, you've acted nobly ! My friends, you're each hless'd with the girls of your hearts ! and under so bright a sway, as that which now dawns o'er us — you've but in common with all around us, to live, love, and be happy ! Sam, you too, have your Mary — We owe you all — there's something to provide your wedding dinner, (gives book-book) Sam. A hundred pounds ! I shall only vish — as (he gen'lman did, vhen he von but a tenth part as much in the lottery, that we may have a wery long acquaintance. If I've done my duty, I'm satisfied —at all ewents, I've done my best — and though there may be a few leetle trifling errors — if my kind friends vill but generously overlook them — vy, all I can say is, that I'll endeavour to amend 5 cm — arid vishing ewery true Englishman vill join SAM WELLER, 153 vith me, heart and woice, in shouting " Go I save the Queen !" I shall take my leave, and vith their permission, appear agin another op- portunity ! Finale, Omnes. Air — " Auber's God Save the King ! Gustavus.'* Hail ! all hail ! oar much-lov'd Queen ! With shouts we'll waken plain and green ; Ne'er was one so cherish'd, seen, Long live the Queen ! Fenc'd round by patriot hearts, No danger can she dread ; Fell faction backward starts, And hides, abash 'd, its head ! All hail ! our lov'd Victoria ! Old England's pride and glory ! Her name shall shine for ever, Renown'd in Regal story ! All hail ! our lov'd Victoria ! All hail ! our youthful Queen ! Long live the Queen ! Long live the Queen ! With shouts we'll waken plain and green, Long live the Queen ! Blessings light upon Victoria ! Peace and joy be her's for ever ; Blessings light upon Victoria ! Peace and joy be her's for ever ! God Save the Queen ! ( While this Chorus is singing. Procession of Heralds, Beef -eaters, Guards, fyc, are seen passing through Temple Bar, to proclaim the Accesion of her Majesty, Queen Victoria, and the piece concludes, amidst general shouts of joy and congratulation, with Tableau ! THE END. NOTICE. To Managers of Theatres 9 Performers 9 the Public 9 &c* John Cumberland, the publisher of Dolby's British Theatre, and Richardson's New Royal and Minor Drama, also of Cumberland's Minor Drama ? — having for some time past, been demanding and receiving, from various Managers of Country Theatres and others, through John Miller, his agent, considerable sums of money, for the performance of many of my Pieces, asserting that he is the legal Proprietor of the Copyright, though the Act for the protection of Dramatic Property, expressly provides, that the Author, or his Assignee, only, shall be taken, and deemed to be the Proprietor — this is to inform all Persons concerned, that neither the said John Cumberland, nor the said John Miller, have the slightest right or authority to receive one halfpenny for the per^ formance of any of my pieces ; I not having assigned them to the said John Cumberland, or any Person whatsoever.— The right of Printing these Pieces— conjointly with myself— (I having also a right to print), was sold to Thomas Richardson — before the passing of the Act, by whom it was mortgaged to a third Party; from him, since the passing of the Act, it was purchased by Cumberland, for a mere song, for the express purpose cf appropriating to himself, in wrong of the poor author, the very considerable sums to be derived from the performance.- Mr. Richardson will prove, that no assignment of any of these Pieces ever took place, as required by the Statute, nor- was ever con- templated for one moment, It has been decided— over and over again— both in law and equity, that Copyright will not pass without an Assignment. This was first decided by Lord Eilenborough, in the Case of * Power versus Walker ' vhere. though the Plaintiff had enjoyed a Copyright, by virtue of 11 Printing and Publishing, for some years, yet not being able to pro- duce an Assignment could not prove any Property in it — this judgment was confirmed by Judge Abbot, in the case of 'Latour versus Bland,' under still stronger circumstances ; there the Plaintiff had a Receipt for the Copyright, of fifty guineas, given thirteen years before ; but it was decided that a Receipt was not an Assignment ! and consequently the Copyright was not secured. — Again, in Equity, in the case of * Sherwood, Neely, and Jones, against Pierce Egan,' both these judgments were confirmed by Lord Eldon. — Egan had written a Work called 'Boxiana,' — the Copyright of which he had sold to the Plaintiffs, who had his Receipt ; but availing himself of there being no legal Assignment of the work — he had thought proper to continue the Publication of it on his own account. An application was made to compel him to execute an assignment, and restrain him from continuing the work ; Lord Eldon, however^ positively refused to grant any injunction whatever, distinctly asserting, that neither in law or equity, could Copyright, in any case, pass without an assign^ ment. — It was in vain the present Vice-Chancellor, who made the application, dwelt upon the equity of the agreement — it was decided that if parties, chose to defraud the Revenue by not executing the necessary documents, they were not in a situation to claim the pro- tection of a Court of Equity. A long and distressing illness of nearly three years, which has terminated in the heavy calamity of Blindness, has prevented me from taking legal measures to procure a restitution of my little income. Cumberland gives out that the Judges have decided, in a case against Planche, that Copyright conveys all other rights ; — so it does, where there is an assignment ! — but not otherwise. Nor did they decide so, as he well knows. It will be observed, he does not claim as the Assignee of my pieces — but as "Proprietor!" — ■ Stuff! the Proprietor must be the Author, or his Assignee — and Cumberland is neither ; and never, while I have the means of ob- taining a shilling, will I forego any legal step in my power to procure ample restitution ! Managers and others will thus perceive tiiat any money paid to tha said John Cumberland, or his agent, John Miller, for the performance ill of any of these Pieces, will be paid in their own default, and that tbey will be liable to be proceeded against /ok the repayment of the same — I will wilHngly guarantee them against any of Cumberland's pretended claims — against whom and his agent— the^moment returning health and increased resources permit rjne^ a suit jin- equity will be insti- tuted for the restoration of ulltheyrh&vl: so ^wrongfully received. *■* ♦*-"- W *T. MONCRIEFF. ... ~ , ■ x- . i - - Just Published /^y~ tfiV ^^ haftt of' John LLMBiRD,1l.4^.S'tr i and, ^Price* One Shilling, The WINTER-BOTTOMS; ok, my AUNT the DOWAGER ! A Farcetta, as performed with rapturous approbation, at the New Strand Theatre. AJso, : Prrce -Two Sellings .and Sixpence, A Comedy/ in Ffve ; ^cts^a§.- psrS ol^e^ a4*%^*Ife> T "market Theatre. With an v Explanatory Preface^ 4he- AuilKi'r ? s reasons for with- : : drawing k, after *itB complete sucoess,on -Us second night's repre- sentation.. , , . „ * ./ Also, -i^rice One Shilling, : ,« :