Class 
 
 Book___ 
 Copyright N^, 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 
 
 A BUNCH OF 
 
 Twenty Seven Tales 
 
 concerning Animals ^various kinds 
 from which may be deducted 
 
 Many Morals 
 frank e. kellogg 
 
 fVitA IlliLstmtions by Loms Grant 
 
 G .\\^. Dillingham Co 
 
 PUBLISHERS NEW YORK 
 
UBRARYofCONeRESS 
 Two Goples Received 
 
 MAh ^5J 1907 
 
 >->~t«pyi1gM Entry 
 GLASS A XXc, NOi 
 
 pp:.iV. 
 
 Copyright, 1907, by 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 Issued March, 1907 
 
 Flip Flap Fables 
 

 ^ ^ LISTEN 
 
 <;^ 
 
 ^ Lest the reader should clinch with the wrong idea, 
 
 we rise to remark right here at the front door, that these 
 fables were conceived, and many of them written, before 
 the lights had been switched upon George Ade and other 
 modern fable makers, or before they had even put up 
 their entrance money, so far as we knew. 
 
 As one of the editors of a little country daily some 
 years ago, we yearned to assist the people in their toil. 
 So we wrote one of these fables, and watching a favor- 
 able opportunity, slammed it over to second and jumped 
 behind a tree. No fatalities resulting, we repeated the 
 dose several times, since when the fables have lain in the 
 toning bath. But those few doses helped the morals of 
 that burg greatly. In proof of which we cite the fact 
 that since they were taken but seven people from the 
 town have been sent to the penitentiary, and only three 
 hanged. With a wider circle of readers, we trust that 
 others will follow their example. 
 
 F. E. K. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Wolf and the Peacock 9 
 
 The Man and the Wild Crab-Apple Tree . . . .13 
 
 The Old Lion and the Tiger . . .... 14 
 
 The Adolescent Youth and the Sweet Young Thing . . 17 
 
 The Lion and the Striped Skunk 21 
 
 The Young Man and his Best Girl 25 
 
 The Rabbit and the Mud Turtle 29 
 
 The Cat and the Possum 34 
 
 The Man and the Jackass 37 
 
 The Whip and the Hornet 39 
 
 The Tiger and the Coyote 41 
 
 The Philosopher and the Social Function .... 44 
 
 The Turkey and the Sapsucker 47 
 
 The Convention of Stock Phrases 51 
 
 The Ant and the Cricket ....... 54 
 
 The Generous Brothers 60 
 
 The Great Detective who Unearthed Things . . .65 
 
 The Mosquito and the Bedbug 70 
 
 The Dull Thud and the Laudable Pus 73 
 
 The Grasshopper and the Ant 75 
 
 The Wise Old Judge and the Seventeen Brindle Steers . 80 
 
 The Politician and the Sucker ...... 84 
 
 How THE Animals Chose Their King 88 
 
 The Man who Fooled his Wife 93 
 
 The Fox and the Young Rooster 98 
 
 The Philosopher and the Ant 101 
 
 The Influential Citizen and the Limburger . . . 106 
 
THE ^V^Oi,!* 
 P EAC O CK 
 
 coming possessed of 
 a nice hunk of Bo- 
 logna, flew up on the 
 branch of a tree to 
 enjoy the Morsel. A 
 hungry Wolf hap- 
 pening along, sniffed 
 the fragrance gratefully and looked 
 longingly up in the tree. 
 
 " Gee, but that smells good," mur- 
 mured the Wolf. "What kind of 
 scheme can I work to make him 
 let go.^ Maybe if I make the 
 Gaudy Old Specter believe he 
 can sing, he will Cough Up. 
 I'll try it.'^ Then smoothing 
 some of the snarls and wrinkles 
 out of his sharp-pointed homely 
 nose, and covering up a few of 
 the worst fangs, the Wolf said 
 in a pleasant voice: 
 
 " Good-morning, Mr. Pea- 
 cock. Fine day, isn't it.'^ " 
 
 y/^ 
 
10 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 The Peacock looked down at the Wolf, but said 
 nothing and hung on to the hunk of Bologna. 
 
 " I've been trying for over a year to get a chance to 
 hear you sing. They say you have a perfectly lovely 
 voice. Suppose you give us a couple of stanzas. Some- 
 thing from the Classics ; " Hot Time in Old Town " 
 will do. I've come seven miles this morning just on 
 purpose to hear you sing. My wife happened to hear 
 you once, and she doesn't talk about anything else but 
 your beautiful voice. Now please don't disappoint me," 
 and the Wolf squatted down on his haunches by a 
 Stump, and looked up hungrily at the Bologna. 
 
 Now the Peacock was naturally very vain, and ap- 
 preciated a good jolly as well as the next one. But 
 he was an Old Peacock and had been the recipient of 
 so many brickbats, clubs, dead cats, etc., thrown at him 
 for the terrible racket he made in trying to sing, that 
 the conceit in his musical abilities had been pretty well 
 knocked out of him. So he tumbled at once that the 
 Wolf was trying to work a Phony on him. He carefully 
 laid the hunk of bologna in a convenient crotch of the 
 tree and remarked cordially : 
 
 " Good-morning, Mr. Wolf. Tickled to death to see 
 you. Why didn' t you call before.? So your wife 
 thought I was something of a songster, eh.? Well, I 
 guess yes. When it comes to soothing the troubled air 
 with music, I'm a whole orchestra. But of course a per- 
 son must have an ear for music to appreciate fine work, 
 and you are just the fellow that has it. Take a seat 
 in that bunch of sand burrs, and I'll have you asleep in 
 two minutes," 
 
Flip Flap Fables 11 
 
 The Peacock then cleared his throat, and running the 
 gamut two or three times with the soft pedal attachment, 
 pulled out all of the stops and waded in. About the 
 second toot he made wibh his horse fiddle of a voice 
 every living thing within earshot humped themselves 
 and started for Tall Timber. All but the Wolf. That 
 party gritted his teeth and bravely stood his ground 
 until the Peacock had sung a whole verse. By that 
 time blood was oozing from the Wolf's ears, and the 
 tears stood in his eyes, showing that he had lots of sand 
 and wanted the Bologna very much. But when the Pea- 
 cock paused a moment and inflated his chest with some 
 more ozone, preparatory to letting off another blast, the 
 Wolf wilted. Especially as he saw that the Peacock was 
 dead wise to his game. 
 
 " I will not trouble you any more at present, Mr. 
 Peacock," he said pleasantly ; " you have the greatest 
 voice I ever heard. I am perfectly bewildered, para- 
 lyzed. Your voice would make an elegant fire whistle. 
 I would remain longer, but I have a family to support 
 and must take care of my health. I will now return 
 home and doctor up my ears, and if I recover from this 
 dose, will probably return in four or five years and hear 
 the next blast — pardon me, verse." 
 
 " That's all right, my son. This entertainment isn't 
 costing you a cent. Here comes the hired man with a 
 club, anyhow. He never gives me any peace when I try 
 to warble a little. If you ever yearn for another song, 
 or a piece of Bologna, just remember that we are still 
 doing business at the old stand." And the Peacock 
 
12 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 reached up and took a nibble from his lunch, while the 
 Wolf trotted sadly home. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Learn a lesson from the bright-hued, sweet-voiced' 
 Peacock. When you get hold of a good thing, don't let 
 some cross-eyed sucker jolly you up into letting go of it. 
 
f^^k^ST AND THE ' 
 
 ^PLLE TKEE 
 
 A Man was once walking along a lane in the spring- 
 time, when suddenly he sniffed the most delightful odor. 
 Following it up, he came to a Wild Crab-Apple Tree. 
 
 " At last," he cried, " I have found what I have long 
 been seeking: a luscious apple. For I will wager that 
 blossoms giving off such delightful fragrance, will ma- 
 ture into the finest fruit." 
 
 So he hired men, teams, and derricks, and at an ex- 
 pense of seventy-eight dollars, had the Wild Crab-Apple 
 Tree transplanted to his own yard. 
 
 In the fall he went out to the tree, and picking one 
 of his seventy-eight-dollar apples, began eating it with 
 Great Gusto. 
 
 But the first mouthful of Gusto threw him into con- 
 vulsions and gave him a dose of lockjaw that lasted 
 seven days, and the doctors had to pry open his mouth 
 with a cold chisel to get soup into him, or he would have 
 starved. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Don't bank much on smells. An old farmer in blue 
 overalls who smells like everything, is of more value to 
 the world than a smoke-house full of pimple-headed 
 dudes scented up with patchouly. 
 
^^^ 
 
 A Lion that had grown old and feeble, 
 one day crawled away to a secluded spot in 
 the forest, where he hoped to die in peace, 
 unmolested by the other animals. 
 
 But fate willed it otherwise, for a roam- 
 ing, marauding band of Hyenas happened 
 along, and soon discovered their former 
 Lord's hiding-place. They soon saw that 
 the once dreaded monarch was on his last 
 legs, and could not harm them, so the big 
 cowardly brutes took advantage of his 
 weakness, and began to worry what little 
 life was left out of the Old Fellow. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 15 
 
 They circled around, laughing and nipping his legs 
 with their sharp teeth, until the Lion begged them to 
 kill him and end his misery. 
 
 " Nixy. Not on your tintype, Old Man," quoth the 
 leader of the Hyenas. " It isn't every day we get a 
 chance to have a little fun with a Lion and we mean to 
 play this game to the limit." 
 
 And the pack all laughed with ghoulish glee, and 
 danced and tumbled over each other, and nipped the Lion 
 some more, always taking care, however, to keep away 
 from their old Monarch's worn-out teeth. 
 
 Just when their riotous mirth was at its height, a ter- 
 rible roar rent the air, and a Royal Bengal Tiger 
 bounded in among them. The cowardly brutes disap- 
 peared in a twinkling. 
 
 " Thank you, my old friend. I knew if you were in 
 the neighborhood you would never permit those terrible 
 creatures to eat me. Your coming seems a direct inter- 
 position of Providence, and proves very plainly that 
 those of royal blood were intended to care for each 
 other," said the Lion, a« tears of gratitude stood in his 
 old eyes. 
 
 " The hand of Providence Is indeed clearly shown in 
 this case, for I haven't had a square meal in a week, 
 and if you are in any kind of condition, you ought to 
 furnish me four or five good meals," replied the Tiger, 
 contemplating the old lion with a critical eye. 
 
 Thereupon he proceeded to end the old Monarch's 
 troubles in short order. 
 
 " He is a little bit tough, but It's way ahead of Em- 
 balmed Beef," mused the Tiger a few minutes later, as 
 
16 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 he was taking his first lunch. Thus we see, by the 
 Tiger's opportune arrival, he not only saved his old 
 friend from the terrible Hyenas, but also secured a 
 week's board for himself. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Nothing is so beautiful as true friendship in time 
 of need. 
 
AW© TTMtl 
 
 
 An Adolescent Youth was once piloting a Sweet 
 Young Thing through the park a short time subse- 
 quent to the disappearance of the Orb of Day. Pilot- 
 ing this particular Sweet Young Thing around over the 
 landscape was the Adolescent Youth's long suit. It was 
 an inexpensive amusement, also. They were away from 
 the stores, and as the A. Y. didn't smoke, a cent's worth 
 of Gum, which the S. Y. T. chewed industriously be- 
 tween hugs, was ample for the evening's entertainment. 
 
 The S. Y. T. never tumbled that the A. Y. was getting 
 off cheap. She was too far gone to tumble to anything. 
 Ditto the A. Y. And so they walked, and talked, and 
 lally-gagged, and rubbed noses, and dreamed. 
 
 The twilight of a summer evening was softly stealing 
 over a drowsy world; the cricket band were tuning 
 their instruments, preparatory to entering upon the 
 nightly serenade; while the robin's evening lullaby 
 hushed the voice of busy care. As the robin paused to 
 gather in more ozone for a final burst of melody, a 
 sweet girlish voice broke the stillness : 
 
 "Ah, George, dear, how happy we are, now that ma 
 
18 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 has given her consent to our marriage. She thought at 
 first I was too young. The idea ! " 
 
 The A. Y.'s short, thin mustache swung around in jux- 
 taposition to the speaker's nose, which appeared to be 
 burrowing among the few stragghng hairs that adorned 
 his upper Lip. 
 
 A sound Hke the pulhng of several diminutive beer 
 bottle corks floated off into space, and then the A. Y.'s 
 head readjusted itself to a normal position as he said: 
 
 " You are a sensible darling. Amy. We will be mar- 
 ried just as soon as I can rent a cottage. I know of 
 one I think can be had for eight dollars a month; and, 
 fortunately, my salary was raised last month." 
 
 " How much do you get now, George.'* " asked Amy, 
 nestling her head upon the A. Y.'s coat collar with a 
 sigh of content. 
 
 " Six dollars a week," answered George proudly. 
 
 " Six dollars a week," echoed Amy in amazement. 
 " You must be mistaken. You mean six dollars a 
 month." 
 
 " No ; I don't. I mean six dollars a week," asserted 
 George stoutly. 
 
 "Is it possible? Why, that is more money than I 
 ever saw in my life; I wouldn't know what to do with 
 it," said the S. Y. T. in astonishment. 
 
 " I suppose it would bewilder you at first. But after 
 one gets accustomed to handling large sums of money, 
 he thinks nothing of it. You know I haven't been at 
 the Top of the Ladder always. I worked for a long 
 time at two dollars a week. Now, besides my salary, I 
 have Forty-Seven Dollars saved up to begin housekeep- 
 
Flip Flap Fables 19 
 
 ing with. So you see we are pretty well fixed compared 
 with some young folks." 
 
 " Goodness, George ! Is it possible you have so much 
 money.? Forty-Seven Dollars. Think of it. Why we 
 can buy almost anything we want. Can't we? I will 
 have caramels every day. I wonder if we had better get 
 a solid silver tea set.? " And the S. Y. T. seated herself 
 upon a rustic bench, near a large, worldly-looking man. 
 
 The Adolescent Youth snuggled down by her side as 
 he said : 
 
 " I am afraid that would be most too expensive. You 
 know we don't want to spend all of our money to begin 
 with. We must save something for a rainy day." 
 
 The Sweet Young Thing gazed in open-mouthed ad- 
 miration for a moment while mentally grappling with 
 this brilliant financiering scheme. Then she voluntarily 
 investigated his incipient mustache with her nose, and 
 clapped her hands with delight. 
 
 " Why, of course we must. I never thought of that. 
 What a schemer you are, George ! What we don't use 
 we will put away some place. And I know where I can 
 get the loveliest box for only three dollars. Just the 
 thing to put our money in. And when it is full we will 
 get another just like it, and I will decorate them. Won't 
 it be nice to have a row of boxes full of money all deco- 
 rated different shades, to show the neighbors when they 
 drop in.? " 
 
 In the exuberance of her joy the Sweet Young 
 Thing once more mussed up the few hairs situated just 
 south of the Adolescent Youth's nasal organ, after 
 
20 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 which ceremony they cooed off through the Mellow 
 Gloaming. 
 
 A deep, heartrending groan came from the other 
 bench. Then all was still. The large, worldly-looking 
 man had fainted. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Always get married when you reach the top of the 
 ladder. It is a duty you owe society. 
 
A Lion, whose family had for ages en- 
 joyed the distinction of being King of 
 Beasts, was one day roaming around with 
 no special object in view except to amuse 
 himself. In the course of his rambles the 
 Lion chanced to meet a Striped Skunk. 
 
 Now, the mental machinery of the Lion, 
 like all Kings, was governed by the first 
 whim that seized it, and the nature of the whim de- 
 pended entirely upon the mood he was in. 
 
 In the present instance, Leo was feeling pretty com- 
 fortable and good-natured, on account of having re- 
 cently dined off of a dead steer, so he thought to have 
 a little fun with the humble Skunk, just to pass away 
 the time. 
 
22 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " Good-morning, my little friend. How do you 
 stack up? " asked the Lion in a patronizing way. 
 
 " Oh, just middling," replied the Striped Skunk re- 
 spectfully, as it stood in great awe of the Lion on 
 account of his majestic appearance. 
 
 " And how does the Skunk family flourish ? — there, 
 don't come any closer, please. I can hear you, and you 
 don't smell any too lovely." 
 
 " We get along pretty well, and generally get enough 
 to eat if we skirmish real hard," replied the Skunk, halt- 
 ing, as he was commanded. 
 
 " I suppose you lie awake nights, wishing you were 
 a great, strong Lion with a powerful voice," said the 
 King of Beasts, swelling with pride and vanity. 
 
 " Well, to tell the truth, we are not much troubled 
 with insomnia on that account," replied the Striped 
 Skunk quietly, scratching its left ear with the hind foot. 
 " We claim our family is as strong as any on earth." 
 
 " What ! A little Striped fool of a Skunk as strong 
 as a Lion ? I like that. You certainly have your nerve 
 with you," said the Lion contemptuously. 
 
 " If you don't believe me, suppose we have a trial of 
 strength right here and decide the question," observed 
 the Striped Skunk blandly. 
 
 " I hate to waste my time on such an insignificant 
 animal, but I have an hour to spare before taking my 
 nap. Who will referee this thing.? " said the Lion, look- 
 ing around inquiringly. 
 
 A passing Fox was hailed, and consented to act as 
 judge. 
 
 When the contestants announced that they were 
 ready, the Fox stepped off a few paces and said : 
 
Flip Flap Fables 23 
 
 " I'll see that his Big Nibs puts up a square game, 
 Skunkj. My hole is handy, so I can leg it home ahead 
 of him if he doesn't like my style of Umpiring. Play 
 Ball. Lion to Bat, and Skunk on Deck." 
 
 Then the King of Beasts opened his face until the 
 top of his head was almost an Island, and let out a Roar 
 that shook the Hills. 
 
 The Striped Skunk clung to a Gooseberry Bush to 
 keep from being blown into the Next County, and the 
 Fox dug his toe-nails into a Jack Oak for the same 
 reason. 
 
 " Suffering cats ! But you are some on the Roar, 
 ain't you? You've got a mouth big as a two-dollar 
 Tub," gasped the Fox, when he could get his breath. 
 
 " Shucks. That's only a starter," said the Lion. And, 
 seizing a log big around as a Rain Barrel, in his teeth, 
 he lifted it clear from the ground. 
 
 The Fox was greatly amazed at this exhibition of 
 strength. The affair looked so one-sided that he felt 
 almost ashamed to referee it. He said pityingly: 
 
 " You're to Bat, Skunky. But I'm afraid you can't 
 deliver the Goods." 
 
 Then Striped Skunk smiled knowingly and went to 
 Bat. In a few seconds there was Muscle enough in the 
 air to have commanded even Jim Jeffries' respect. It 
 was the Lion's turn to be surprised. He made one bound 
 and went straight up in the air 37 feet and 9 inches, 
 and when he came down was still gasping for Fresh Air. 
 
 " You little imp ! " he roared. 
 
 " Oh, wasn't that strong enough for you? Do you 
 wish another Exhibition?" asked the Striped Skunk 
 calmly. 
 
24.' Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " No, B J Jocks. I don't want any more of that kind 
 of strength," growled the King of Beasts, and turn- 
 ing tail, galloped over the hill, with the Striped Skunk 
 trotting after, while the Fox rolled on the ground and 
 laughed until he ran a sand burr in his ear. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Use judgment in calling a bluff. In the show-down 
 the other fellow may have the goods. 
 
ai*YOUMGMA>r 
 BE JT GJRL, 
 
 Once upon a time in the dim past a Young Man went 
 to see his Best Girl. His soul was flooded to the limit 
 with a great joy as forsooth he had in some mysterious 
 manner, which history cloaks, obtained two complimen- 
 tary tickets to the matinee, and he was nervous lest 
 They perish and decay ere he had an opportunity to use 
 them. 
 
 Once in the parlor, his joy found vent in words, and 
 he put the question fairly: Would she Go.^^ 
 
 At his words a Wild Joy leaped into the girl's eyes, 
 and her face glowed like a Mississippi Sunset in June, 
 showing off^ to great advantage the half dozen black 
 heads that had pre-empted the end of her nose. Then 
 the wave of joy subsided like the ebbing tide, leaving 
 behind a plain brown Stony Calm. 
 
 " No, Algernon, I cannot accompany you to the 
 matinee to-morrow afternoon. Deeply as it pains me I 
 must decline." 
 
 The Beautiful Girl spoke these words with quiet de- 
 termination, and the stately deliberate manner in which 
 she masticated a large Wad of Gum told him plainer 
 than words that her decision was irrevocable. 
 
 Algernon Dranekegg's face rapidly acquired the well- 
 known Ashen Pallor so much used, and he would gladly 
 have leaned against The Mantel for support, as is cus- 
 
26 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 tomary In such cases, but a hasty glance around the 
 room disclosed a dearth of Mantles, and he discreetly 
 remained in a perpendicular position. 
 
 Changing his weight to the other foot, in order to 
 ease a large Healthy Corn that was entering a vigorous 
 protest against being cooped up in a toothpick shoe, 
 the Young Man said in a husky voice: 
 
 " What is the matter, Phyllis ? Surely I have not 
 offended you that you should act so strangely. When 
 I left you at 1:15 this morning, you were blythe and 
 happy. Now you look as if some great trouble had 
 come To you. What can have happened to my little 
 girl.? " and Algernon drew the fair Young Creature to 
 his side, and gently laying her head upon his shoulder 
 poked her cold nose into his ear. 
 
 Phyllis Billfinger broke away from him almost fiercely 
 as she said in a heartbroken voice: 
 
 " Do not ask me, Algernon, for I cannot tell you." 
 
 " Please tell me, Phyllis." 
 
 A spasm of pain convulsed her features, and for a 
 moment Algernon feared that she had swallowed the 
 gum. But a moment later the Fair Girl's jaws moved 
 on with the same slow, rhythmic grace, and she replied: 
 
 " Algernon, I love you as well as I did at a quarter 
 past one this morning; let that suffice for my answer." 
 
 " But I insist, Phyllis. Here are the matinee tickets, 
 and I demand an explanation of your conduct," said 
 the Young Man, a medium shade of annoyance passing 
 over his face in a northwesterly direction. 
 
 A strong agony caught her amidships, but she gritted 
 her teeth and shook her head with a dry sob. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 27 
 
 " Phyllis," he said sternly, " there should be no secrets 
 between us." 
 
 " Algernon," said the Young Girl, with the look of a 
 person who has a sudden Inspiration, " if you insist, I 
 will tell you. Mother fell this morning and broke her 
 knee cap, and I have got to do the Jones' washing to- 
 morrow, or Ma will lose her Position. I know it is all 
 over between us," she went on, " but sometimes, when 
 in your Splendid Home, think of poor Phyllis." 
 
 Algernon Dranekegg drew up his superb form to its 
 full Height as the girl uttered these humiliating words, 
 and Phyllis Billfinger was sure she could detect a look 
 of scorn in the handsome eyes. 
 
 His words drove the last remnant of hope from her 
 heart when he said, in the tone of a person who has been 
 caught on the wrong side of the Market and covered in 
 time to save himself: 
 
 " I am sorry for your mother's misfortune, Miss Bill- 
 finger, but I have an engagement at the Club this even- 
 ing where we have a banquet, and if you will kindly 
 excuse me, I will go." 
 
 He then made a hasty exit. 
 
 Unfortunately for Phylhs, the " Look of Dumb Mis- 
 ery," and " Shrill Cry of Anguish," were both upstairs 
 in her Trunk, so she was forced to depend entirely upon 
 a small-sized " Low Moan of Agony." She fired that 
 at Algernon, when she fell in a heap on the floor, just 
 as his coat-tails went through the door. But it was too 
 small to be effective, and only served to increase his 
 speed. 
 
 Five minutes later. Our Heroine was comfortably 
 
28 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 seated on the wood-box in the kitchen, munching a 
 cracker and sipping a cup of warm tea, while she soHlo- 
 quized : 
 
 " That settles the ' Lady Clare ' racket. I don't try 
 that any more. It's n.g. only in books. Thought I had 
 him sure. Would if ma hadn't hurt her leg. Must be 
 well off, too ; always talking about his ' club.' Well, ma 
 has got to pay 50 cents for the use of this dress. Just 
 my luck, anyhow." 
 
 Meanwhile, Algernon Dranekegg was hurrying down 
 street in spite of His corn. Soon he slackened his pace, 
 however, and fishing an old stub of a cigar from his 
 pocket, lighted it, and proceeded in a more leisurelj^ 
 manner, musing to himself : 
 
 " Lord, but that was a narrow escape. Confound it, 
 I thought they were well fixed by the way she talked. I 
 know who she is, now. Queer coincidence, too; her 
 mother washes for the Jones' and my Old Lady washes 
 for the Brown's just across the street. Too bad. 
 Thought I had finally found somebody to support me, 
 but I'll have to fall back on mother again. She's all 
 right, only she is getting old and can't work like she 
 used to. She kicked on paying for the use of this suit 
 of clothes to-night. I'll just run around to Foley's and 
 hit a free lunch before I go home." 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Never try experiments when bluffing. Carry the hand 
 right through on an ace-full basis. 
 
One morning a Rabbit was can- 
 tering along, feeling pretty gay 
 and frisky, when it overtook a 
 Mud Turtle, laboriously clawing 
 along the sandy road. 
 
 The Rabbit slowed up a bit, and 
 then stopped and remarked: 
 
 " Hello, Old Clubfoot. Practicing up for 
 the fall races .f* " , 
 
 " Oh, cut it out and take a sneak," retorted 
 the Mud Turtle, sliding along over the sand 
 with his head in the air, looking mad and 
 disgusted as a freckled-faced woman with 
 snag teeth at a beauty show. 
 
 " Say, but you have beautiful foot action. 
 You ought to make five or six rods a day, by working 
 overtime, if you didn't fall in a hole," teased the Rab- 
 bit, turning a few back summersaults and standing on 
 his nose. 
 
30 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " You slim-legged ducks give me a pain. Because 
 you can lope along at a pretty good gait for a few 
 yards, without breaking in two, you think you are some 
 pumpkins on the go. You can't race. Go crawl in a 
 hole somewhere and go to sleep," and the Mud Turtle 
 paused to pinch a sand burr from the bottom of a claw, 
 and then poking its nose independently up in the air 
 again, started on. 
 
 "You don't want to try a little canter.'"' said the 
 Rabbit banteringly, trying its best to look solemn. 
 
 " Sure thing. I've been laying for you for a year," 
 and the Mud Turtle, who was pretty hot under the col- 
 lar at all this roasting, looked greatly relieved at the 
 offer to race from his tormentor. 
 
 " How far do you want to run ^ " queried the Rabbit, 
 tilting one ear back and choking off a grin. 
 
 " Oh, say six miles," snorted the Mud Turtle, as it 
 rolled over a corn-cob and nearly lost its balance. 
 
 " Six miles ! You mean six rods," gasped the Rabbit 
 in amazement, as it leaned up against a mullein stalk. 
 
 "No ; I don't. I mean six miles. I don't claim to be a 
 quarter horse. But I'll show you how to run a long 
 race," said the Mud Turtle, brushing the sand from its 
 eyes with a confident air. 
 
 " If your speed gauged up with your nerve, I'd hate 
 to tackle you. This is for the Championship, I sup- 
 pose ? " and the Rabbit looked down at the Independent 
 Mud Turtle with a puzzled air. 
 
 " Of course. Long-distance championship." 
 
 " When do you want to start.? " 
 
 The Mud Turtle looked up at the sun. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 31 
 
 " It is now exactly noon. ' Go ! ' " and the light-footed 
 Rabbit shot out of sight in a twinkling. 
 
 " Here's where I get in My Graft," chuckled the Mud 
 Turtle. " Smarty Rabbit will go to sleep up the road a 
 piece and forget all about the race," and it closed one 
 eye to keep out the sand and dug along. 
 
 Two Years and Eleven Months after, the Tired Mud 
 Turtle, weary and foot-sore, plodded up to the Finish. 
 
 A wan, pleased smile lighted up his countenance, and 
 he murmured : 
 
 " Just as I figured. I have caught Mr. Rabbit nap- 
 ping. He hasn't shown up yet." 
 
 Just then a Possum rose up from the grass, yawned 
 and stretched, and then walked lazily over to the Mud 
 Turtle. 
 
 " Haven't noticed a Smart Aleck of a Rabbit waiting 
 around here for anybody, have you? " the latter in- 
 quired with a Satisfied Grin. 
 
 The Possum eyed the Tired Mud Turtle a moment 
 curiously. 
 
 " What Particular Rabbit did you refer to ? " 
 
 " Whj^, it's young Lop Ear. The one I'm running a 
 six-mile race with. All the animals know about it, don't 
 they.? Just hand me the medal, if You're stake holder, 
 and when he comes along I'll give him the Wise Look. 
 Told him he couldn't run a long race, but he was feeling 
 frisky and wanted to try. He's probably asleep some- 
 where," and the tired Mud Turtle, in trying to act 
 Jaunty and Fresh, just missed falling into a Post hole. 
 
 Then the Possum broke into a Guffaw. 
 
 " Well, I'll be Jim Swizzled, if it isn't the old Mud 
 
32 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 Turtle I'm waiting for, just coming down the home 
 stretch. That's too good," and the Possum let out An- 
 other Whoop, and laughed until he nearly split. 
 
 "What's the cause of the Hilarity? Ain't I here 
 first? " queried the Tired Mud Turtle, looking slightly 
 perplexed. 
 
 The Possum went off into another fit of laughter that 
 scared a bunch of Grasshoppers out of the County, and 
 birds and animals gathered in from all directions to hear 
 what the racket was about. 
 
 " Come here, everybody, and get on to the champion 
 runner. He's been trying to beat a Rabbit. Started 
 Two Years and Eleven Months ago, and just coming 
 down The Home Stretch. O My ! O My ! " and the Pos- 
 sum collapsed and leaned up against a Jimson Weed. 
 
 " He's a Lightning Chaser all right," remarked the 
 Chipmuk. 
 
 " Didn't it make you a little dizzy, going so fast.'' " 
 queried the Woodchuck. 
 
 " What ails you Geysers? Ain't I here first? " asked 
 the Mud Turtle, feeling that something had slipped a 
 Cog. 
 
 " Why, bless your simple old shell. Lop Ear was here 
 inside of two hours after he started," said the Possum, 
 " wasn't sweating a hair, either. My grandfather was 
 here and handed him the Medal." 
 
 " I thought Rabbits always stopped and went to sleep 
 when they were running races," said the Tired Mud 
 Turtle, looking sheepish and disappointed. 
 
 " This one didn't. They say he came sailing in here 
 like a quarter horse." 
 
Flip Flap Fables 33 
 
 " I've been lied to," said the Mud Turtle with glum 
 look. 
 
 " Of course you have. My son, never believe anything 
 you hear." 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Talent doesn't always get busy in a small game. But 
 make the jack-pot big enough to interest him, and the 
 others may as well throw their hands in the discard. 
 
POSSUM 
 
 A Cat that was continually being chased and pes- 
 tered by Dogs went to a Possum for advice as to the 
 best method of evading its Tormentors. 
 
 " Simplest thing in the world, my Son," said the Pos- 
 sum. " When you see a Dog coming, don't run up a 
 tree or on top of the smoke house and sit there Chewing 
 the Rag with him. That just serves to irritate the 
 Dog and keep him hanging around. Instead, when you 
 see a Dog coming, roll up in a ball, shut your eyes and 
 act as if you had been dead a year. No matter what 
 the Dog does, don't wiggle or bat an eye. He will nose 
 around you a spell and then go on about his business. 
 It is a method I have used for years, and it Works to 
 Perfection. I also fool Men that way." 
 
 " That scheme sounds a little Fishy to me," said the 
 Cat dubiously. 
 
 The Wise Old Possum shrugged his shoulders and 
 returned curtly: 
 
 " Well, that is my Prescription. You can take it or 
 not, as you please," and he scratched his back against 
 a post to signify that the interview was over. 
 
 The Cat pondered over the matter a spell, and at 
 length determined to try the Possum's method. Shortly 
 
Flip Flap Fables 35 
 
 afterward he descried a big Dog coming, and at once 
 doubled up in a ball, shut his eyes, and awaited develop- 
 ments. Said developments were first class. The Dog 
 came bounding up like a whirlwind, and without making 
 any inquiries as to the Cat's health, or even taking a pre- 
 liminary Sniff, grabbed the apparently defunct Feline 
 by the nape of the neck and threw it over his shoulder 
 into a Blackberry Patch. Towser immediately turned 
 to take another fall out of the Cat, but that much per- 
 secuted feline, having had enough of New Fangled 
 Wrinkles, hastily shinned up a convenient tree, where 
 it nursed a lame back and growled In disgust : 
 
 " That old Possum is a hot member. He ought to 
 patent that method of getting rid of Dogs. He gets 
 a piece of my mind soon as I get out of this scrape." 
 
 Accordingly, when the Dog had departed, looking for 
 other worlds to conquer, Kitty crawled down and limped 
 painfully over to the Possum's tree. The Wise Old 
 Gazaboo was contentedly cleaning up some chicken 
 bones when the Cat appeared and at once proceeded to 
 exhale its ideas of Possum wisdom. That astute Party 
 took the roasting complaisantly, and said not a word 
 until the Cat had run out of Ozone. 
 
 Then he remarked calmly : " My Child, I regret your 
 trouble very much. But you will recall the fact that I 
 was paid nothing for my advice. Had you brought me 
 a nice juicy Chicken, I should probably have given you 
 advice of a much higher order. I'm not running a 
 Bargain Counter, so don't expect to get something valu- 
 able for nothing. I trust the lesson will be salutary. 
 Good-day." 
 
36 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 MORAL 
 
 It looks as if this moral would lose its job. For only 
 grafters and frenzied financiers are able to get some- 
 thing valuable for nothing, nowadays, and they get 
 everything in sight, without morals of any kind ; so we 
 have decided to pass up this one. 
 
Once upon a time there lived a man whose Intellectual 
 Percentage graded about 17 out of a possible thousand. 
 In fact he was a large Healthy Yap. The neighbors all 
 knew his Garret was Dusty, and threw the soup into him 
 whenever his back was turned. But he never tumbled. 
 He figured that he ranked with The Masters when it 
 came to Gray Matter. He had tried every known occu- 
 pation, but always got frostbitten. He didn't know 
 what the matter was, but supposed it was because he 
 had too many brains. He knew he owned a large basket- 
 ful of that commodity, for he had a head big as a fall 
 pumpkin, and he had read somewhere that a head con- 
 tained brains. 
 
 One day, while out of a job, he climbed a hill and sat 
 down to rest upon a flat stone. His supply of Square 
 Meals was getting short, but he had too many brains 
 to work on the section, or hoe corn, so he decided to wait 
 for something to turn up. 
 
 Presently, away down in the woods he heard a j ackass 
 
38 Flijp Flap Fables 
 
 braying. But for a wonder he didn't recognize the 
 voice. Clear and distinct came the instruction: 
 
 " Go Preach. Go Preach. Go Preach." Then he 
 knew that he had at last found his mission. He would 
 go out among the People and show Billy Sunday up for 
 a third-rater. 
 
 So he hired a school-house out in the country and 
 opened up with both barrels. The Plain People came 
 to hear him once, quietly and respectfully. Once was 
 enough. They were common Country Dubs, but they 
 weren't so rusty as some folks imagine, and they sized 
 that preacher up for a Sawdust Ham. The next night 
 they came loaded to the guards with strenuous hen fruit 
 of the Vintage of '94. 
 
 That savory article of commerce they proceeded to 
 plaster all over his gigantic intellect. Also his shirt 
 front. In fact that bucolic audience put up a good 
 imitation of Getting Busy. 
 
 It required two coats of the mixture before he tumbled 
 that he wasn't It, and migrated. And the suffering 
 populace added a top dressing as he went out of the 
 door somewhat hastily. 
 
 After meditating upon the mutability of human af- 
 fairs, the incipient Billy Sunday went to sawing Wood 
 at a Dollar Per. 
 
 That time-honored vocation furnished ample scope 
 for the full play of his Great Intellect. He is still saw- 
 ing wood at a Dollar Per. At last he has found his 
 mission. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Be sure you have the right hunch. 
 
A Buggy Whip 
 that had become 
 lost was rejoicing 
 freedom. It was very 
 much pleased with the new 
 state of affairs. No more would 
 it be compelled to whip the poor, 
 tired horses and be shook and 
 joggled about in the whip socket 
 Nothing to do but loaf and have 
 
 good time. Presently it made 
 tlie acquaintance of a Wandering 
 Hornet, and the two became fast 
 friends. 
 
 Everything would now have gone swimmingly, but of 
 course they must get into an argument soon as they 
 became fairly acquainted. 
 
 The argument was, which could inflict the greater in- 
 jury upon a Man at one blow. 
 
 They argued and argued and, of course, lost their 
 tempers. 
 
 Finally the whip said : 
 
 " Why, you wouldn't be in it. I could cut a Man in 
 two." 
 
40 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " Possibly you could. You are pretty smart, but 
 don't think for a minute you are the only Fly in the 
 Soup," replied the Hornet in a great rage. 
 
 " The matter is easy to settle. Here comes a Man ; 
 let us try our muscle on him," said the Whip. 
 
 " All right. You take the first shot while I load my 
 Gun," said the Hornet, seating himself in the shade, 
 where he proceeded to sharpen his Stinger on a piece of 
 Brick. 
 
 The Whip got ready, and when the Man came along 
 gave him a stinging cut on the leg. 
 
 "What the nation hit my Cork Leg?" mused the 
 Man, looking around inquiringly, while the Whip leaned 
 up against a fence post with a sheepish air. 
 
 The Hornet nearly broke a rib laughing at the Whip's 
 futile effort. 
 
 " Watch me soak him," he cried, and forthwith he 
 made a vicious jab at the back of the Man's neck. It 
 was a good hard jab all right, but unfortunately for 
 the Hornet, his stinger collided with a Collar Button, 
 and broke square off, leaving the Hornet rolling in the 
 dust, while the Man moseyed along about his business. 
 
 The Whip picked up his partner and brushed the dust 
 from him with the remark : 
 
 " My son, we are neither of us in the money this trip. 
 We both got hold of the wrong Dope Sheet." 
 
 MORAL 
 
 It generally occurs that way. 
 
A Royal Bengal Tiger had been chief of the Jungle 
 for many years, where his word was Law, and his slight- 
 est wish eagerly anticipated. 
 
 Whenever he casually remarked: 
 
 " Simon says Thumbs Up," every digit in the neigh- 
 borhood bearing that especial trademark went hastily 
 to the zenith. He was the Czar of that bunch of coun- 
 try, all right, with never a mutiny. 
 
 But still he was not happy. He wished to know 
 whether he ruled through love or whether the prompt 
 obedience accorded him was due to the fact of his having 
 occasionally sampled some of his subjects in a gastro- 
 nomical way. 
 
 To find out he one day feigned great illness, and, call- 
 ing the Animals of the Forest around him, said between 
 groans : 
 
 " My children, the Old Man is about knocked out of 
 the box. You see that I am so feeble I can barely raise 
 my head. While regretting that I have not been able 
 to eat as many of you as I could wish before I cashed in 
 my chips, I have done the best I could, and frequently 
 ran the risk of getting dyspepsia. So you must bear 
 
42 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 the grief and disappointment as best you can, and I 
 hope you will take good care of me the Httle time I have 
 to Live." 
 
 These remarks were supplemented by several Dismal 
 Groans, which the Tiger exhaled to give force to his 
 remarks. 
 
 The results of his Little Jolly far exceeded his most 
 sanguine expectations. For the other Animals, hearing 
 that the Tyrant was on his last legs, made a simultane- 
 ous jump for him, and inside of fifteen seconds the once 
 feared Monarch was buried four deep with all kinds 
 and descriptions of his beloved subjects, each trying to 
 get a mouthful of Tiger to carry home for a souvenir. 
 
 There was one exception, however. An American 
 Coyote, that had but recently come to live in the Jungle, 
 sat back on his haunches and watched the fur fly, without 
 attempting to assist in the Obsequies. 
 
 This apparent soft-heartedness, however, was not 
 from any particular love for his Boss, by any means. 
 Hardly. The explanation lay in the fact that the Coy- 
 ote was naturally of a conservative, retiring disposition, 
 and anything bigger than a Rat had to be mighty awful 
 dead before he tackled it. His motto had always been 
 " a safe investment and small returns," rather than 
 hazard any chances. Subsequent events in the present 
 instance proved his Wisdom, for the Tiger suddenly 
 bounded to his feet with a great Roar that nearly para- 
 lyzed his tormentors. 
 
 As he made a Sample Bound up to the tops of the 
 trees, he looked big as a Brick House, and hyenas, 
 panthers, wolves, skunks, whangdoodles, cheetahs, mon- 
 
Flip Flap Fables 43 
 
 keys, woodchucks, wildcats, etc., all showed sprinting 
 abilities of the highest order. 
 
 The Tiger made a hasty lunch from half a dozen or 
 so on the bottom layer before they could get away, and 
 then turned to the Coyote: 
 
 " My Son, you alone of all my subjects have re- 
 mained true to me. You must be rewarded. As you 
 look too Tough and Skinny to be Edible, you shall here- 
 after be my Private Secretary. Your duties will be to 
 locate plenty of fresh meat and pick the sand burrs out 
 of my tail." 
 
 The Coyote winked softly at the Gray Squirrel and 
 climbed into the Royal Band Wagon. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 If you are a nine spot, look wise and keep your mouth 
 shut. Then, possibly, some near-sighted duck may pick 
 you up for the real thing. 
 
PHILOSOPHER 
 
 AND 
 
 THE 
 
 SOCIAL 
 FUNCTION 
 
 A Philosopher was once walking in the country when 
 he came to a Cadaverous Looking Stranger humped up 
 on a rail fence. 
 
 He was a very tired looking Proposition. His cloth- 
 ing was of good quality, but just now it looked like 
 the frayed-out edge of a pipe dream. 
 
 " Good-morning, my Friend. Taking in the Scen- 
 ery.?" said the Philosopher, socially, as he leaned against 
 the fence. 
 
 "Oh, not particularly. Pm just killing Time; al- 
 though scenery is my long suit just at present," returned 
 the Stranger with a Weary Air. 
 
 " You don't look very hearty. What seems to be your 
 trouble ; Botts or Appendicitis .? " inquired the Philos- 
 opher kindly. 
 
 " Oh, my physical health is all right, but I'm badly 
 ripped up the back. Financially and Typographically; 
 I am a Social Function," said the Stranger. 
 
 " Ah, yes. I used to read of you often," said the 
 Philosopher, getting out his jack-knife and beginning 
 to whittle a Rail. 
 
 " Of course you read of Me. Everybody has read 
 
¥lip Flap Fables 45 
 
 Of Me. That's why I am Here," returned the Stranger 
 with a Disgusted Look. 
 
 " What was the trouble ? " inquired the Philosopher, 
 climbing up on the soft side of the rail beside the Tough 
 Looking Proposition. 
 
 " Oh, jealousy, of course. The Rabble that I broke 
 away from kept Knocking till they got me fired." 
 
 " Too bad. Where were you from Originally ? " 
 asked the Philosopher, prying a hunk of meat from 
 between his teeth with the jack-knife. 
 
 " Well, now, you are probing around among Old 
 Sores. Still I don't know but my Ancestors would 
 carry off as many blue ribbons as the average High 
 Guys. Near as I can discover. My Forefathers were 
 collections of Monkeys, Baboons, etc. Then they gravi- 
 tated up to Husking Bees and Country Hoe-downs; 
 then swell gatherings with coachmen and bob-tailed 
 horses, A while ago, some of the Nickle Plates in the 
 city picked me up, dressed me in happy clothes, and 
 changed my name to a Social Function. Then for a 
 while I was on the top wave of Prosperity. But, of 
 course, it was too good to last. Somebody recognized 
 me under my Finery, and, knowing my obscure Origin, 
 began to Jolly me about my Ancestors. Every country 
 editor and reporter picked it up and threw the Soup 
 into me right and left. If Farmer Jones' hired man 
 went to a country hoe-down he attended a Social Func- 
 tion. Every cross-roads gathering was a Social Func- 
 tion. Oh, but those mossbacks did soak it to me beau- 
 tifully, and I couldn't do a thing to get back at 'em. 
 Of course, as soon as my patrons saw how Common I 
 
46 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 had become, they dropped me Hke a dog does hot soap. 
 And here I am; no job and no money," and the Di- 
 lapidated Stranger's face twisted up like a boy with the 
 Colic. 
 
 " Too bad. But can't you get a job out here in the 
 country at a slightly reduced salary.? " queried the 
 Philosopher as he finished Cutting a Rail in two and 
 climbed down from The Fence. 
 
 " No. These blamed Country Jakes won't let up 
 roasting me for ten years. I couldn't get a job swilling 
 the pigs out here ; just a handout, once in a while," and 
 at the recollection of his downfall the Stranger buried 
 his Nose in his Hands, while large Dry Sobs shook his 
 dilapidated Coat-tails. 
 
 " You are indeed in Hard Luck," mused the Philos- 
 opher, contemplating the Sick Looking Party thought- 
 fully ; " now, if you only had a wise look and some 
 Dough, you might go to the Senate ; but you're Shy on 
 Both. However, do not despair, my friend. Your face 
 ought to make your fortune with any sort of luck and 
 the right management. Go strike a patent medicine 
 firm. Your photo would make a very convincing ' Be- 
 fore Taking ' Ad," and the Philosopher passed on, feel- 
 ing very well satisfied and somewhat Chesty over the 
 good advice he had freely given a struggling fellow 
 mortal. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When you begin to climb keep one eye canted down 
 for a soft spot to light when you slip through a hole 
 in the ladder. You may strike hard. 
 
"^^[^^^ 
 
 :^^^€My''}UcMAi^iMm. 
 
 The. TURKEY 
 ondt/icSAP SUCKER 
 
 A Turkey that 
 
 was being fattened 
 
 for Thanksgiving had 
 
 just finished a big, 
 
 delicious dinner and 
 
 was loafing about in 
 
 the pen picking its 
 
 teeth with a sliver 
 
 and feeling very con- 
 tented. 
 
 He was a big Fat 
 
 Squab and thought 
 
 he was " It." When- 
 ever another turkey 
 
 chanced near the pen 
 
 it got a mocking 
 
 laugh from the High Roller. 
 
 Two or three times a day 
 
 the Farmer came to the pen 
 
 and filled him up to the 
 
 neck with easily digested food. My, but wasn't that 
 Turkey vain ! It wore its hat on one side of its head 
 and grew so fat and lazy that it could barely waddle. 
 Presently a Sapsucker alighted upon the top rail of 
 
48 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 the pen and began prodding for worms. Now, when 
 the Turkey was a little tad, it used to play with the 
 Sapsucker out in the woods. Feeling a little bit lone- 
 some and wishing to guy somebody, and call attention 
 to its wealth, the Fat Turkey said: 
 
 " Hello, Sappy. You have pretty hard sledding. 
 How is the worm market to-day? " 
 
 The Sapsucker paused from its labors, swung around 
 on top of the rail and peeped into the pen. 
 
 "Hello, Turk. Is that you? I haven't seen you in 
 a month of Sundays. What are you doing in that 
 stuffy old pen? Why don't you come out and get some 
 exercise — chase bugs and grasshoppers like you used to, 
 and roost in the trees again? No fun in there." 
 
 The Fat Turkey put his claw up to his nose and 
 winked wisely. 
 
 " Nixy. I've struck the fattest thing that ever hap- 
 pened." 
 
 " What have you struck now ? " 
 
 " Why, the Boss selected me from the whole flock 
 and put me in here all alone. Say, but he's just throw- 
 ing all kinds of dainties into me. Finest in the land. 
 No more skirmishing around in the woods after old 
 grasshoppers for Yours Truly. Mighty few Turkeys 
 get this kind of a deal." 
 
 " H-m, it looks like a snap on the outside. But what 
 is he feeding you all this swell grub for ? " asked the 
 Sapsucker suspiciously. 
 
 " Why, because I am handsome, and he took a fancy 
 to me, of course; what other reason could there be?" 
 said the Fat Turkey pompously. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 49 
 
 " You're dead easy. Don't get a rush of blood to 
 the head thinking the Boss is mashed on your shape." 
 
 " Of course he is. I heard him tell the hired man 
 that I was just what he wanted; young and handsome. 
 He said he was going to make me weigh twelve pounds. 
 Think of the swell grub that will take," and the Fat 
 Turkey smacked his chops and leered up at the Sap- 
 sucker. 
 
 "About how old are you.?" asked the Sapsucker, 
 musingly. 
 
 " About eight months." 
 
 " I thought so. You're just the right age to be Pud- 
 ding for somebody." 
 
 " Oh, pshaw ! Don't you worry about me. I can take 
 care of myself. If the Boss tries any funny business 
 with me I'll fool him." 
 
 The Sapsucker eyed the Shrewd Turkey a moment 
 and said : 
 
 " My friend, let me give you a little advice. Never 
 try to beat another fellow's game. It looks easy, but 
 you will find, when it comes to the last deal, that the 
 Boss has cards up his sleeve. I hate to see you imposed 
 upon, for we have had lots of good times together, but 
 to my way of thinking it looks squally for you now. 
 He isn't throwing all this fodder into you for nothing." 
 
 " Oh, head in somewhere. The idea of a scrawny 
 Sapsucker trying to tell me my business. Go talk to 
 your equals. I'm not in your class. I have brains ; do 
 you hear? " and the Fat Turkey stalked about, looking 
 wiser than Joe Cannon on a close decision. 
 
 " Then let the game roll, my Son, but remember what 
 
50 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 I told you. Here comes the Boss, so I'll just skip for 
 a tree, if you have no objections." 
 
 The Farmer came up with a Club and peered into 
 the pen. 
 
 " To-morrow is Thanksgiving, Turkey. Your time 
 has come." 
 
 He threw open the pen and the Wise Turkey saw too 
 late what the game was. It made a frantic break for 
 liberty, only to receive a welt with a Club that broke its 
 neck in Three Places. The Farmer then chopped off its 
 head with the hatchet and started home. 
 
 " Not much shorter on brains than he was before," 
 murmured the Sapsucker, as he proceeded to make him- 
 self scarce in that locality, leaving the Wise Turkey to 
 furnish the piece de resistance for the holiday dinner. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 My son, deride not the sucker. He is the backbone 
 of many flourishing industries ; the goose that lays the 
 golden egg. He furnishes the sinews of war for the 
 promoter, the grafter, the gold-brick man, and the 
 frenzied financier. Cultivate the sucker; you may get 
 a few of the eggs. 
 
THE COJSfVE NTXIOKT 
 
 
 of STOCK PHRAJE3 
 
 At a certain period in the world's 
 history a great controversy arose 
 among certain Stock Phrases used by 
 NoveHsts as to which one was actually 
 used the most in every-day life. 
 
 The contention waxed hot, and, final- 
 ly, a convention was held, where it was 
 agreed to leave the decision to Mercury, 
 who could obtain the figures from the 
 recording angel who kept all records. 
 
 Any Phrase or expression used by 
 Novehsts could compete, and the entries 
 were to close at noon of a certain day ; 
 Mercury's report to be read by the 
 Chairman half an hour later. 
 
 A large number of contestants en- 
 
 ^i^-. 
 
 #^ 
 
 =9^i 
 
 t^m 
 
52 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 tered the race, among them being the " Derisive Laugh," 
 the " Sigh of Relief," the " Cry of Anguish," the "Look 
 of Dumb Misery," " Winsome Smile," " Look of Con- 
 tempt," and so on down the list. 
 
 A few minutes before the time had expired for closing 
 the entries, a roughly-dressed, coarse-looking party 
 forced his way into the assemblage and cried out : 
 
 " See here. I want a stick in this game." 
 
 " What is your name? " asked the Chairman. 
 
 '* I am several Bad Swear Words, commonly called 
 Profanity," replied the stranger boldly. 
 
 The well-dressed, respectable contestants looked 
 aghast at the coarse, tough-looking party, and some of 
 them objected to his admittance on the ground that 
 he was not properly a Stock Phrase, and therefore not 
 eligible to compete with them. 
 
 The Chairman, however, decided that as the new- 
 comer had been used a great number of times by Nov- 
 elists, he could not, under the rules, be excluded. 
 
 " Let him in. He stands no show anyhow," said the 
 Look of Contempt. 
 
 " Bet you 20 to 1 I win out," retorted the coarse- 
 looking party, flourishing a Roll of Bills. 
 
 Owing, however, to lack of inclination, or funds, his 
 bet was not taken. 
 
 So Profanity was admitted and his name appeared 
 upon the list just as the time expired. 
 
 Half an hour later, promptly to the second, a mes- 
 senger handed the Chairman a folded paper. The lat- 
 ter took it and read as follows : 
 " Total number of times the following words and expressions 
 
Flip Flap Fables 53 
 
 have been used by the inhabitants of Chicago in every-day life 
 during the period of One Day: 
 
 Derisive Laugh 384 times 
 
 Sad Smile 228 " 
 
 Pensive, Far-away Look 117 " 
 
 Sigh of Relief 212 « 
 
 Sigh (plain) 864 « 
 
 Cry of Anguish 116 " 
 
 Low Sob 181 " 
 
 Look of dumb Misery 196 " 
 
 Bright Smile 912 « 
 
 Cynical Laugh 843 " 
 
 Moan of Agony 527 " 
 
 Look of stern Resolve 311 " 
 
 Winning Smile 762 « 
 
 Supercilious Stare 106 " 
 
 Strained Voice 91 " 
 
 Stony Cahn 112 " 
 
 Crafty Look 406 « 
 
 Look of Contempt 216 " 
 
 Low gurgling Laugh ..... 89 " 
 
 Pained Look 121 " 
 
 Clenched Hands (where the nails eat into the 
 
 flesh) " 
 
 Laugh (common every-day) . . . 4,391,472 " 
 
 Profanity 9,749,876 " 
 
 Many other words and expressions failed to qualify in time for 
 the Convention. 
 
 (Signed) Mercuhy." 
 
 " Profanity takes the Chips. Next time stay out till 
 you get a hand," shouted the coarse-looking stranger 
 triumphantly. Then the Convention dissolved. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When a dark horse shows up pull down your entry 
 money. 
 
An Ant was loafing in the shade one day, keeping its 
 weather-eye out for Pedestrians, when a Cricket came 
 prancing and whistHng down the road. It was pretty 
 close before the Ant saw it, and, not having any bargain 
 counter handy from which to select a burden, the in- 
 dustrious fraud frantically grabbed the first thing 
 handy — a sliver of pine shingle — and began dashing 
 hither and thither as if it had been working all the 
 forenoon that way. 
 
 The Cricket watched the Ant jerk, tug and yank the 
 sliver around a spell, and then squatted down upon a 
 little pebble and remarked: 
 
 " I suppose if you had a larger audience you would 
 act still more like a lunatic." 
 
 The Ant feigned great surprise at seeing anybody. 
 It paused, and wiping the perspiration from its brow, 
 panted : 
 
 " Dear me, but you Crickets are a trial. Always in- 
 terrupting folks when they are busiest. Why don't 
 you go to work.? " 
 
 " Because I haven't time. But please tell me what 
 you are going to do with that old piece of shingle ? " 
 
 The Ant looked at its burden a moment and remarked 
 in apparent disgust : 
 
Flip Flap Fables 55 
 
 " Well, I'll be hanged If it isn't a piece of shingle. 
 I thought It was a Katydid's leg." 
 
 " Look here, Old Man, that's too thin. You didn't 
 think anything of the kind. You saw me coming and 
 just grabbed the first thing you could lift. I saw you 
 loafing in the shade. I'm on to you, so stop your lying. 
 What do you act that way for.? " 
 
 The Ant was for once nonplussed and fell back on Its 
 reputation. 
 
 " I am an honest, hard-working Ant, but " 
 
 " Oh, Cheese it. You're an honest, hard-working 
 Fraud. That's what you are. Please tell me, I asked 
 you, what use you have for that wooden sliver "^ " 
 
 The Ant was about to ring in the old bluff about lay- 
 ing up groceries for winter, but he looked at the piece 
 of shingle and his nerve forsook him. There are some 
 problems that even an Ant dare not tackle. Trying to 
 palm off old dirty pieces of shingle as groceries was 
 one of them. So the Ant only looked solemn and Kicked 
 up the dust with its toes. 
 
 " Now we are alone," went on the Cricket, " suppose 
 you tell me why you fellows are always making grand- 
 stand plays when anybody is around, pretending to be 
 busy and all that. I'll never give it away." 
 
 The Ant looked greatly startled and gazed around 
 cautiously. " Sh — not so loud. Some one may be listen- 
 ing." 
 
 " Nonsense. There isn't any one near. Go ahead. 
 I'll be mum." 
 
 The Ant took a seat beside the Cricket and said in a 
 low voice : 
 
56 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " The fact is, not one Ant in a thousand knows why 
 we do it, but I happen to know. It's all on account of 
 an old tradition." 
 
 " What is this tradition ? I am anxious to know what 
 makes you folks act different from the other insects. I 
 have run against you fellows unexpectedly, half a dozen 
 times, and always found you loafing when you thought 
 nobody was around," said the Cricket, leaning back 
 against a stalk of blue-grass and crossing its legs com- 
 fortably. 
 
 " It makes me mad when I think about it, so I don't 
 care whether I tell or not," said the Ant indignantly, 
 as he tucked a bit of plantain leaf around his neck to 
 absorb the perspiration. 
 
 " You see, long, long ago the Ants were just as 
 happy and care-free as the Crickets and the Frogs and 
 the Grasshoppers are now. They, too, had nothing to 
 do but loaf and play. Nothing to worry about. One 
 evil day, however, a Colony of my Ancestors happened 
 along where some Men were holding a picnic in the for- 
 est. After the Men had gone the Ants ran up to see if 
 any crumbs were left, and, in foraging around, they 
 discovered a depression filled with an odd-smelling 
 Liquid that the Men had evidently spilled. The Ants 
 were thirsty and drank some of it. It is not known to 
 this day what the Stuff was, but it had a strange effect 
 upon them. Some began to caper about, dance and fight. 
 They hugged each other and tried to tear off a leg or 
 arm. Many were possessed with a strange desire to 
 carry something. They seized upon bits of wood, grass, 
 leaves — in fact anything they could lift, arid rushed 
 
Flip Flap Fables 57 
 
 frantically about with it in their jaws. While they were 
 acting in that strange manner some of the Older Ants, 
 who had drank little or none of the Liquid, noticed two 
 Men peering down at them as though greatly amazed. 
 One of them had a great flat square of something white 
 in his hand upon which he kept rubbing the end of a 
 stick. Of course, all insects are glad to have Men take 
 notice of them, and it occurred to the old Ants that our 
 strange behavior was the cause of it. The young Ants 
 soon recovered from the effects of the Liquid and they 
 were given orders to act in that same way when a Man 
 was seen approaching. They did so and never failed to 
 attract attention. Word was sent to other Colonies 
 that the Ants could thus gain ascendency over the 
 other insects. A regular Code of Signals and Actions 
 were given out and taught the young Ants at an early 
 age. Now, sentinels are kept posted at the outskirts of 
 every Colony to give warning and when any living thing 
 shows up we get busy. We have gained a great repu- 
 tation for thrift and wisdom, but for my part I would 
 prefer less reputation and more fun. It gets awful 
 tiresome dragging old sticks and bones around just to 
 keep folks thinking we are Smart and Industrious," and 
 the Ant wearily mopped its brow with the plantain leaf. 
 
 " So that is the cause of all this hustling and rush- 
 ing and carrying things, eh?" and the cricket looked 
 down at the Ant with mingled pity and disgust. 
 
 " That's the whole secret, and you're the first Cricket 
 that ever knew it," replied the Ant, looking cautiously 
 over its shoulder from force of habit. 
 
 " And you don't think the Game is worth the Can- 
 
58 Flip Flay Fables 
 
 die? " and the Cricket sized up the Ant with a quizzical 
 grin. 
 
 " No, I don't," returned the Ant, shortly, glowering 
 contemptuously at the pine sliver. 
 
 " Then drop your humbugging and come on to the 
 matinee with me." 
 
 The Ant was in the mood to agree to the Cricket's 
 proposition, but at that juncture a Man was seen ap- 
 proaching. Instantly the Ant's early training went to 
 bat, and all the Insect remembered was to get busy. 
 
 The Man was so near at hand that the little Fraud 
 got rattled, and grabbing the Cricket's hind leg, shoul- 
 dered it, and started to Buck the Line, jerking the 
 Cricket on his nose. 
 
 For a second the latter was inclined to get hot under 
 the collar at the little Fraud's nerve in trying to play 
 him for groceries, then the size of the contract that the 
 Ant had tackled struck his Funny Bone and he almost 
 cracked open with laughter. 
 
 That brought the Ant to its senses, and, dropping 
 the leg, it grabbed a bit of dried mullein stalk and went 
 on with its gymnastics. 
 
 Then the Man came up, and, as usual, paused and 
 stooped down to watch the manoeuvres. 
 
 " What intelligence and industry the Ants do possess ! 
 It makes me ashamed of our vaunted Wisdom," and the 
 Man yawped away to himself, while the Ant tore around 
 with one eye canted up toward the audience, hoping the 
 latter would skip so it could loaf again. 
 
 " Oh, but they're Easy Marks. No wonder the Ants 
 
Flip Flap Fables 59 
 
 keep up the Continuous," and the Cricket danced away 
 to the Matinee. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Tell it not in Gath. But the Ant is not the onlj In 
 sect that plays to the Gallery. 
 
GENER,OUS 
 
 1 X. i« 
 
 B O 3B 
 
 Long time ago — in fact it was before the Chicago 
 Fire — ^two brothers named Bill and Bob lived in a little 
 valley away off from everybody and his folks. They 
 were just a couple of Country Jakes, and 
 made their living by farming. Said farm 
 was about the size 
 
Flip Flap Fables 61 
 
 much bigger than the state of Rhode Island, so you see 
 they didn't strain themselves working. But they dug 
 enough out of it to live on, so they didn't kick. The 
 boys weren't very ambitious, anyhow. Bill was married 
 and had a houseful of kids, while Bob bached it in a little 
 Shack down in the comer of the lot. They got along first 
 rate, Bill's wife and kids doing most of the work, while 
 the men folks sat around, smoked and cussed the weather. 
 The hatful of truck they raised was divided equally, 
 down to the last squash, and both were always on hand 
 to see that it was done right. 
 
 One day a peddler got lost and blew into their little 
 valley. It was just after the crops were in and they 
 made quite a Dicker with him. Trading turnips, cab- 
 bages, etc., for cotton ribbons and other Gimcracks. 
 Among other things they got was an Old Book, and when 
 the peddler had made his escape they sat down to read it. 
 
 Bob got hold of it first and presently he Bumped 
 into the story of Abram and Zimri. That struck him 
 all in a Heap and he read it over two or three times. 
 You know the story. How a couple of ducks named 
 Abram and Zimri farmed it in a little forgotten valley — 
 or vale, they called it then. How Abram had a wife and 
 seven sons, and Zimri didn't. Just bached it, and fried 
 his bacon to suit himself, and was just as Nasty and 
 Contented as any other Old Bach. You remember how 
 they divided the truck they raised, equally ; each stack- 
 ing up half. And how, one night, Abe got to thinking 
 it over, and made up his mind that Zim ought to have 
 more than Half, because he didn't have any wife and 
 Kids to do his work for him. So what does he do but 
 
62 Fliy Flap Fables 
 
 Hike out and go down to the field where the two piles 
 w ere stacked up and carry about a third of his pile over 
 to Zim's stack. Then he sneaked back and went to bed. 
 Doing such a nice generous act made him feel pretty 
 Chesty and contented, and he went right to sleep again. 
 You remember, the same night Zim had the same kind 
 of a Soft Pedal Hunch, and along toward morning 
 crawled out of his old Bed and toted Abe's third back 
 again. Then he went back to bed feeling strictly virtu- 
 ous. The next day, of course, everything was in statu 
 quo. Both of them wondered a good deal, but kept 
 mum. That night Abe worked another batch of his 
 Truck off on to Zim and a few hours later Zim fired it 
 back. In the morning they worried over their piles more 
 than ever, but didn't say anything. 
 
 Next night Abe did the same thing again and then 
 Squatted Down behind his pile to Watch. Presently, 
 Zim came out and carried it back, and when he was 
 through Abe got up, and they hugged and wept, and 
 had a Grand Tableau. But Shucks; you know all 
 about it. 
 
 Soon as Bob read the story he says to himself: 
 
 " That's Bill an' me right over, B'gosh. Wonder if 
 Bill'll do It. I'll take the Book over and give him a 
 chance." So he left the Book at Bill's House, and went 
 back. 
 
 Bill read the story and it struck him as a nice thing 
 for Bob to do. 
 
 So each fellow stood around on one leg for about a 
 Week, hoping the other one would take the hint. But 
 neither pile grew any. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 63 
 
 By and by Bill got to thinking it over one night and 
 he says to himself: 
 
 " Probably Bob wants to do it, but he's too bashful. 
 I'll just go out and help him. So he hiked out in the 
 dim moonlight and carried about a third of Bob's fodder 
 over to his pile. Then he sneaked back to bed. As luck 
 would have it Bob woke up that night and began to 
 figure on the same thing. Bill wasn't acting according 
 to the books, and it worried him. Finally he says: 
 " Something's the matter with Bill. He's had over a 
 week now. Bashful, maybe. I'll just go out and help 
 him over the hard places." So he slipped out and car- 
 ried a third of Bill's pile over to his. Then went back 
 to camp. 
 
 Next morning the two piles were found to be in proper 
 shape, just as they were the day before. Each one 
 bothered over it to himself, but didn't say anything. 
 That night Bill thought he would try it another Whirl. 
 So he piked out easy and quiet-like and shortly had a 
 third of Bob's truck once more. Then he crawled into 
 the pile and waited to see what would turn up. 
 
 Pretty soon Bob came prancing out in his Pajamas 
 and began to Get Busy on Bill's provender. He worked 
 like a Nailer and presently had everything back in its 
 Original Shape. Then he hit the back trail and Skid- 
 dood. 
 
 Of course it hurt Bill's feelings to see how Bob 
 was acting and he thought it best to show him a few 
 kinks. So he hunted up the peddler and sold him Bob's 
 half at 25 cents on the dollar, on condition that he take 
 it away in the night. 
 
64 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 But the same day Bob grew wise to The Fact that 
 his pile hadn't expanded as it should and his olfactories 
 became aware of the presence of a Rodent. So he 
 sneaked away and found the peddler and sold him Bill's 
 half on the same conditions. 
 
 The peddler performed his part of the contract faith- 
 fully and cleaned up both piles ; not leaving a summer 
 squash or a nubbin of corn. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Generosity — with the other fellow's pile — is making 
 us a great nation of , but we're no knocker. 
 
THE GREAT DETECTIVE 
 WHO UNEAILTHEB THINGS 
 
 Q^ 
 
 Once there was a Great Detective. He was very 
 great. From a professional point of view, he was " Two 
 Looks " high, and still climbing. He could detect any- 
 thing. He had been known to locate a wobbly-legged 
 calf that the old cow had hidden so effectually she 
 couldn't find it herself. He came on deck after the 
 Hoopskirt Age and before the dress pocket was abol- 
 ished, and it has passed into History that he once found 
 his wife's dress pocket in forty-five minutes by the parlor 
 clock. But of course he couldn't do that every time ; not 
 without straining himself. He also did a fairly good 
 Stunt on Collar Buttons. Could generally locate one in 
 about thirty minutes if the dust wasn't too thick under 
 
66 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 the Dresser. His long suit, however, was in putting the 
 Tag on aspirants for jobs in the State Government 
 Works at Peoria, and in that particular field he was on 
 the 400 class, batter up. 
 
 One day a roughly-dressed, stocky man walked into 
 the office, and. Squatting on a Chair without waiting for 
 an invite, remarked: 
 
 " Say, pardner, be you the Brass Collared Detective 
 we hear so much about, nowadays ? " 
 
 " The same. Have you something in My Line ? I 
 can give you ten minutes," and the Great Detective 
 fished out a note-book and began whittling the end of a 
 Pencil. 
 
 The Stocky One pulled out a slab of tobacco the size 
 of a six-inch section of 2X4 scantling, and detaching a 
 chunk big as a piece of pie with his eye teeth, remarked : 
 
 " Ten minutes will do, I guess, if you're drawing as 
 many Loads as they say. I am a farmer " 
 
 The Great Detective interrupted him with a wave of 
 the hand and smiled. " It is not necessary to inform 
 me of that Fact, my Dear Sir. You live on a farm 
 seventeen and a quarter miles north of here. Your farm 
 is Part Clay and part a Sandy Loam." 
 
 The Stocky One appeared to be greatly impressed, 
 and said: 
 
 " Well, I'll be Switched. How did you get onto 
 that.?" 
 
 The Great Detective smiled in a patronizing, indul- 
 gent way. 
 
 " We do not generally make a practice of Exhaling 
 state secrets, but as you are a simple-minded farmer 
 
Flip Flap Fables 67 
 
 the knowledge will go no further, so I don't mind tell- 
 ing you. You started out this morning with a fresh 
 plug of tobacco, did you not? " 
 
 " Yep." 
 
 " You have taken just Chews enough to go seventeen 
 and a quarter Miles." 
 
 " Good Guess. But why north.? " 
 
 " The wind is in the west and there is more dust in 
 your right ear than in your left. The nature of the 
 soil upon your farm I detected instantly by the different 
 shades of dust on your Collar, which are easily noted 
 and classified by an expert." 
 
 " Say, but you're onto your job all right, pardner. 
 You make me ashamed of myself. Now I'll shoot my 
 wad and give you a chance to meditate." 
 
 The Great Detective once more waved his hand. 
 
 " Wait. You keep seven horses and nine cows." 
 
 The Stocky One stared and scratched his head. 
 
 " I've evidently come to the right party, but what's 
 your recipe for the last batch of wisdom .^^ " 
 
 " Simple again, when you know how. There are seven 
 different distinct, equine smells on your garments and 
 nine separate and clearly-defined odors from the cow. 
 Every animal has an odor peculiar to itself. Now tell 
 your business." 
 
 The Stocky One changed his quid to the other side 
 and said with some unction, " Say, but you're a Peach. 
 If anybody ever intimates that your Garret is Dusty, 
 just refer them to me. Now I'll speak my piece. My 
 name is Jake Jagpole. You see, my Aunt Sarah Wat- 
 kins dropped off rather sudden, and some of us got it 
 
68 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 into our nut that there was crooked work. After 
 bothering over it for a spell, I happened to think maybe 
 you could help us out." 
 
 The Great Detective raised his hand. 
 
 "Wait. That is sufficient." Then turning to a 
 pigeon-hole in his desk he looked over some papers for 
 a moment and said: 
 
 " Your Aunt Sarah Watkins was a widow and lived 
 alone." 
 
 " Yep." 
 
 " She was near-sighted." 
 
 " Yes ; awful. Why, I've seen her set down to a car- 
 penter's work bench and try to milk it, thinking the 
 darn thing was a cow." 
 
 " Exactly. Set your mind at rest. There was no 
 foul play. Your Aunt died from eating some Embalmed 
 Beef that she chopped in the hash by mistake owing to 
 the defect in her vision. Is that all you wish to know? " 
 
 The Stocky One arose and observed with some emo- 
 tion: 
 
 " Yes, that's all. Much obliged. What's the dam- 
 age .f* " 
 
 " Oh, the service was so slight : Twenty dollars." 
 
 The Stocky One handed over a twenty and turned to 
 go ; halted a moment, faced about, and remarked : 
 
 " Pardner, you're the smoothest event that ever oc- 
 curred. You're a Ten Wheeler with 200 pounds of 
 steam. I'm glad I came. I'm a V to the Good, besides 
 a whole lot of valuable information. You see, on the 
 run in yesterday I bet my head brakeman — ^by the way, 
 I'm a freight conductor on the P. D. Q. & T. S. Never 
 
Flip Flap Fables 69 
 
 was on a farm in my life, and never had an Aunt Sarah 
 Watkins, or any other kind of an Aunt. But that 
 doesn't alter the fact that you have given me the worth 
 of my money. As I was saying, I bet the head brake- 
 man twenty-five dollars that you could ferret out any- 
 thing whether it happened or not. As you see, I have 
 won out. I started to tell you I was a farmer-looking 
 chap, but you jumped in and took my run, and when I 
 saw I was Swiped a trip 1 kept quiet. So Long. We'll 
 have a good time with the other five." 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When you know the other fellow is bluffing it's like 
 money from home. 
 
THEAV03QUITO *g|. 
 
 A Mosquito and a Bedbug were once disputing as to 
 which had the Softest Job. Said the Mosquito : " I will 
 admit you have a pretty fair job. Better than lots of 
 others, but it isn't in the same class with mine at all. 
 Just consider the difference. You spend most of your 
 time in a narrow, stuffy crack in the bedstead. Just 
 run out at meal time, bite off a chunk of meat, run back 
 into your hole and lay in the dark like a bear, while you 
 digest your food and sleep. That's all there is to it. 
 In addition, 3'ou get drenched ever}- spring and fall with 
 turpentine and seventeen other kinds of bedbug poison. 
 The wonder to me is that you are alive at all." 
 
 " Oh, I get fat on that stuff," interrupted the Bed- 
 bug. 
 
 " My job is altogether different," went on the Mos- 
 quito. " When evening comes I soar around through the 
 cool air, and when the folks come to bed I take my time, 
 pick out the Tenderest Spots, and fill myself with warm, 
 rich blood. After which I fly to the ceiling or wall and 
 take a nap. During the day I sit on the ceiling and 
 take in the scenery. Then I sing blythely at my work, 
 also, which makes it much pleasanter." 
 
Fli]^ Flap Fables 71 
 
 " That all sounds very nice on Paper," said the Bed- 
 bug, " but some of these fine evenings, when you are 
 singing so blythely, you will get a bang in the ribs 
 with somebody's hand that weighs about eight pounds 
 and get your singing machinery damaged. I hear them 
 making slaps at you every night. As for your cracked- 
 up scenery, I wouldn't trade two bites out of a man's 
 heel for a Carload of it. You spend your leisure at the 
 top of the room where it is hot and smoky, while I have 
 a cool, dark room, and am snug as a bug in a rug. It 
 makes me chuckle when I hear them hunt for me after I 
 have brought home my meat for Supper." 
 
 " Oh, come off. You're filled up with benzine and bed- 
 bug poison, so you wouldn't know a good job if you had 
 one," retorted the Mosquito. 
 
 " Maybe I wouldn't. But I know I'd get nervous 
 prostration if I had your job, expecting to get my 
 head bumped against the Wall every minute. I'm not 
 afraid of anj'^ bedbug poison that was ever mixed. But 
 when they burn sulphur in the room we'll both get it in 
 the neck, I reckon," observed the Bedbug. 
 
 That evening the Mosquito was flying around the bed 
 sparring for an opening. " Bill, do you hear that crit- 
 ter.? " said a voice. 
 
 " Yep," said Bill drowsily. 
 
 " If he comes a little closer I'll fix him. Here he is 
 now." Swish ! Slap ! and the Musical Mosquito lay on 
 the edge of the bed groaning with a broken leg. "What's 
 the matter, Partner?" said the Bedbug, coming up, 
 " you don't seem so musical all at once. Did they take 
 a fall out of you ? " 
 
72 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " Yes, my leg is broken," replied the Mosquito with 
 a groan. 
 
 " Pshaw! That's too bad. Wait till I pinch ofF a 
 piece of steak for supper, and I'll take you into my 
 house." 
 
 " Bill, there's Bugs and Skeeters both in this room. 
 I'm going to burn sulphur in here to-morrow." 
 
 " Yep," returned Bill. 
 
 The next day a faint Odor of burning sulphur began 
 to pervade the room. 
 
 The Bedbug turned pale at the dreaded fumes. 
 " Mosky, they've got us both at last," he gasped. 
 
 The Mosquito dragged itself to the edge of the crack 
 and looked up. 
 
 There was a slight opening at the top of the window. 
 " Excuse me, I'm going for help. This is where it pays 
 to be a Mosquito," and it soared through the opening 
 and down the throat of a pretty Jennie Wren that was 
 waiting outside for something to turn up. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 No matter how much Pinguitude your Job has there 
 are always drawbacks. 
 
fe^^US 
 
 A Dull Thud was once walking through the forest 
 when it came to a tired-looking and very much emaci- 
 ated Stranger sitting in the shade. 
 
 " My friend, you are looking poorly. What is your 
 name.? " asked the Dull Thud in a sympathizing voice. 
 
 " My name is Laudable Pus and I am nearly dead 
 from overwork," replied the Stranger, in a weak voice, 
 as he poured out a dose of Medicine from a long-necked 
 Bottle. 
 
 " Shake, my friend. We are brothers in misery," said 
 the Dull Thud, extending his right hand and reaching 
 for the bottle with his left. 
 
 " I am very glad to meet you, although I do not recall 
 your features," replied the Laudable Pus. 
 
 " Perhaps not. I am a Dull Thud. You see before 
 you the wreck of a once noble manhood. Like you, I 
 almost died from overwork, and my physicians ordered 
 me to retire from active business the rest of my life. 
 The only work I do now is an odd job occasionally." 
 
 " Ah, yes. I remember you now. We used to appear 
 upon the same page. Shake. Have a seat," replied 
 Laudable Pus, passing the bottle again, and running a 
 sliver in his leg in his haste to slide along. 
 
74 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 For hours they sat talking over the good old times 
 like a couple of war vets. " I am glad you came along," 
 remarked Laudable Pus, " I have been wondering what 
 to do and where to go," and he coughed dismally again 
 and took his Medicine with a weary air. 
 
 " I, too, have given the matter much thought," mused 
 the Dull Thud, as he sized up the directions " For Tak- 
 ing " upon The Bottle, " and I always arrive at the same 
 conclusion. We are both forgotten by the World and 
 cast aside like an Old Coat. There is but one spot in 
 the country where we can go and be sure of passing the 
 remainder of our days in Peace and Quietude." 
 
 Laudable Pus looked inquiringly a moment at his new 
 friend. Then a Great Light broke upon him and a wan, 
 pleased smile lighted up the faded countenance. " Ah, 
 yes. I had forgotten Philadelphia. Let us hie away to 
 that Peaceful Spot while the Medicine holds out." And 
 they arose and ambled on toward their New Home. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When the world chases 3^ou real hard, and your name 
 is on every tongue, prepare to crawl in a hole and pull 
 the hole in after you. 
 
A DASHING young Grasshopper was ambling unstead- 
 ily along the Highway one chilly morning in September. 
 He was dressed in a white waistcoat, plug hat, dancing 
 pumps, gorgeous green necktie, etc. In fact, his tout 
 ensemble was originally fine. At present, however, it 
 looked somewhat the worse for wear, his white waistcoat 
 being flecked with numerous stains of tobacco juice, 
 plug hat a little out of Plumb, and necktie around under 
 one ear; while his eyes had that watery, far-away look 
 found only in people who tread the primrose path of 
 Dalliance, when they ought to be pounding their ear in 
 Bed. 
 
 Take it all around, he looked pretty tough. But, 
 bless you, he wasn't half knocked out of the box yet. 
 Although cold and hungry he puckered up his lips and 
 tried to whistle and act jolly. 
 
 Presently he came to a couple of his companions sit- 
 ting disconsolately by the roadside. 
 
 " You may as well turn back," one of them called 
 out, with a Glum Look. " Every grasshopper at the 
 ball has tried to work the stingy old Ant down here for 
 some breakfast. Can't do a thing with him. He nearly 
 tore the coat tails from young Pewee before he could 
 get away. The old critter just stands at the door with 
 a Stuffed Club and soaks every Grasshopper that shows 
 
76 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 up there. Needn't be so afraid of his old grub. I only 
 wanted a bite to brace up my stomach till the sun gets 
 up where it can warm a fellow," and the chilled Hopper 
 tucked his legs a little closer under the body and shiv- 
 ered. 
 
 The gay young Lothario slowed up and stopped 
 whistling. 
 
 " Well, I swan. Aren't some of you fellows smart 
 enough to work that Old Ant for your breakfast.? " 
 
 " No. Nor you, either," was the curt reply. 
 
 " Pshaw, that's funny. Try any new dodges on 
 him.^^ Work the Soft Pedal, weeping, wringing the 
 hands, etc. ? " 
 
 The other Hopper shivered with disgust and despair. 
 
 " Yes. Tried everything. Bluewing told the old miser 
 that his father was home with a broken leg and not a 
 bite in the house to eat. The Old Jay banged him with 
 a club and told him to go home and break another leg. 
 Goldy fixed up a nice yarn about a sick baby and noth- 
 ing to feed it, thinking that might fetch him. But it 
 never phased old Stony Heart. Just swiped Goldy un- 
 der the coat tails and told him to git. In fact we've 
 tried everything. But the old sinner is on to us Good 
 and Plenty. He hasn't any use for a Grasshopper, I 
 can tell you." 
 
 " We will have to try some other Dodge, that's all," 
 said the Young Grasshopper thoughtfully. " Those 
 Old Gags won't work any more. Pll go down and see 
 what I can do with him. You and Slim Legs loaf along 
 the road, but keep out of sight." 
 
 " You will probably come back with a broken head," 
 was the skeptical remark. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 77 
 
 " I'll chance it," and the Jolly Young Grasshopper 
 straightened his necktie, adjusted his hat properly, 
 wiped some of the worst Tobacco stains from his clothes, 
 and started on whistling. But presently he murmured : 
 " If I am going to talk Business, I must look Solemn 
 and Proper," and the Whistle was put away and a nice, 
 wise, calm look brought out. 
 
 Arriving at the Old Ant's residence, the Young Grass- 
 hopper braced up and tried to look extra thoughtful 
 as he rapped on the door. A sharp-eyed, comfortably 
 fed Old Ant came to the door, with a Club in one hand, 
 and eyed the Young Grasshopper sharply over his 
 Specs. 
 
 " Good-morning, Mr. Ant. Lovely weather," and the 
 Young Grasshopper bowed politely and rubbed his 
 hands. 
 
 " I know what 3^ou want," said the Old Ant severely. 
 " You are the twenty-eighth Grasshopper that has tried 
 to work me for his breakfast this morning. But it don't 
 go. So skip before I give you a big kick in the neck," 
 and he raised the club. 
 
 The Young Grasshopper smiled sorrowfully. 
 
 " You have a rather poor opinion of us, I see." 
 
 " Yes. You're a lot of worthless beggars," and the 
 Ant started to close the door. The Young Grasshop- 
 per, however, deftly interposed his foot, and remarked 
 calmly through the crack: 
 
 " Hold on a bit. I want to talk to you. I'm not beg- 
 ging. I have a business Proposition that will make you 
 the richest Ant in the Country." 
 
 The idea of a Grasshopper talking business so aston- 
 
78 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 ished the Old Ant that he opened the door again and 
 the Grasshopper walked in. The latter pulled out pencil 
 and paper and remarked : 
 
 " Sit down here and I'll show you the biggest thing 
 you ever heard of." The Old Ant, wonderingly, com- 
 plied, and his Visitor continued; 
 
 " You see, the Grasshoppers can't save anything and 
 you can. Now, what is the matter with making a con- 
 tract with them to bring you a certain amount of food 
 every day, all summer, then when it gets cold in the fall 
 you can dole it out to them a little at a time, charging 
 them a good interest, of course. It will be a snap for 
 both sides. You won't have to work so hard and will 
 have your cellar and warehouses full of grain. Of 
 course they won't eat half of what they'll gather," and 
 the Young Grasshopper went on unfolding the beauties 
 of the scheme until he had the avaricious Old Ant's 
 greedy eyes fairly dancing with the thoughts of Future 
 Wealth. 
 
 They hobnobbed together a long time and the greatly 
 pleased Ant brought out a generous lunch for the 
 Young Promoter, and when the interview was over, filled 
 the latter's pockets and told him to call again so they 
 could arrange the Deal for the next year. 
 
 The Young Promoter finally got away loaded to the 
 guards with food, and as he went up the road, looking 
 for his friends, hummed softly: 
 
 " Oh, I don't know : You're not so Warm, 
 There's other Coons as warm as you." 
 
Flip Flap Fables 79 
 
 While the Avaricious Old Ant danced a Can-Can, in his 
 glee over the thoughts of a new gold mine. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 When it comes to slinging hot air, a promoter can 
 make four cents' worth of matches show up like a blast 
 furnace. 
 

 Once upon a 
 
 time a man died 
 
 and left three 
 
 sons. We are 
 
 aware that there 
 
 is nothing of 
 
 a particularly 
 
 startling nature 
 
 in that asser- 
 tion, as it was the custom of the country to leave sons. 
 The strange part of it came in, however, when it was 
 found that the man left some Tangible Assets after his 
 debts were paid. Said Assets consisting of 17 Brindle 
 Steers in fair flesh. 
 
 Immediately the last spadeful of earth was spanked 
 down over the old gentleman's remains the three boys 
 began figuring how to divide the 17 Brindle Steers. 
 
 Jim, the oldest boy, was pretty shrewd. He wanted 
 to get all of the Brindle Steers possible out of the deal, 
 so he quietly consulted an Old Judge with long white 
 Whiskers and a wise look, and that Astute Party at once 
 
Blip Flap Fables 81 
 
 fell in with Jim's scheme — for a consideration, of course 
 — and promised the enterprising youth that he should 
 have Brindle Steers to throw at the birds. 
 
 Jim went home feeling pretty middling and jollied 
 the other two boys into accepting the Old Judge as ref- 
 eree, while the O. J. scratched around in his head and 
 library for a Precedent. We will remark here, en pas- 
 sant, that Law without a Precedent would be the same 
 as Hamlet with the melancholy Dane left on the side 
 track. In fact there is no such thing as Law without 
 a Precedent. 
 
 The O. J. took two days for it and went through 
 every Law book from cellar to garret. Then he began 
 on school books of the Post Pliocene Period. Finally 
 in an old forgotten school reader he ran across just the 
 dope he wanted. It was a story for good little boys, 
 of how a wise Old Judge over in Asia somewhere had 
 decided a case almost exactly similar, and secured the 
 Lion's share for the Eldest without a kick from the 
 other two. 
 
 Here was a Precedent, and the O. J. felt richer by at 
 least Two Brindle Steers. In fact he was so tickled he 
 at once got outside of a copious libation of Corn Juice. 
 
 It seems, in the original story, a man had died leav- 
 ing three sons. After the obsequies the boys found, 
 upon looking around, that 17 horses comprised the en- 
 tire assets. 
 
 The youths were reverent, thick-headed numbskulls, 
 like all Oriental youths, and of course they at once 
 hunted up a long-whiskered old monument of Wisdom 
 and told him to go ahead and do the Divide Act. 
 
82 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 The wise old Fossil placed his own horse alongside 
 Of the 17, making 18 in all. Then he remarked: 
 
 " Boys, here are 18 horses. The oldest gets one-half, 
 which is 9. The next oldest gets two-thirds of the bal- 
 ance, which is 6. And now I'll just take my animal 
 away, and the youngest takes everything that's left, 
 which, in this case, is 2. Are you all satisfied.'^ " 
 
 " We are, O. Judge," replied the eldest boy, promptly. 
 
 History fails to record the remarks made by the boy 
 who only got two nags, but, as youngest children didn't 
 count for much in that country, the chances are that 
 he was tickled to get two out of the drove. At least 
 there is no record that he kicked on the Deal. 
 
 The Old Judge hunted up Jim, told him the scheme, 
 and drilled him in the way he should act. 
 
 The scheme was such a beautiful one, backed up by 
 such an Invincible Precedent, a bit of respectable ap- 
 pearing Wisdom right from the Middle Ages, th^t Jim 
 and the Judge chuckled over it and took Nips until both 
 were Oreide. 
 
 They slept it off and then the O. J. cleaned himself 
 up, shaved and threw in a Couple of Bromos, when he 
 was just as Wise and Ready as ever. They got the boys 
 together and rounded up the 17 Brindle Steers and an- 
 other steer that the O. J. borrowed for the occasion. 
 Then the Wise Judge got out his old reader, and, don- 
 ning his specs, read the Beautiful Story to the Boys, 
 while tears big as burr oak acorns rolled off the end of 
 his nose. 
 
 At the conclusion of the story the Old Judge mopped 
 off the auburn end of his nasal promontory, let his 
 
Flip Flap Fables 83 
 
 hand conveniently shake a Httle, made a few other 
 grand stand plays, and said: 
 
 " And now, my dear children, I propose to divide 
 these animals in the same way that this wise, historic 
 and almost inspired Judge did. You, Jim, cut out your 
 nine Steers, and you, Tom, take six, and Dave, the 
 youngest, gets the two that is left after I take away the 
 Borrowed Steer. Are you satisfied?" 
 
 " You bet. Er — I mean, we are, O. Judge," said 
 Jim, getting a little mixed on his Lines. 
 
 But Dave was pretty hot and jerked out: 
 
 " Not by a darned sight, we ain't, O. Judge. I'm onto 
 you and Jim. We'll just go to law about it, and let 
 Jim squander some of his Brindle Steers Lawing it." 
 
 The Wise Old Judge rolled his eyes around and tried 
 to look hurt and astonished, but it wouldn't work. 
 
 So they went to law about it and kept it up until the 
 17 Brindle Steers had Evaporated, and each of the boys 
 had to hoe corn a year for the lawyers. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Don't go to law over an estate if you can get a plug 
 of tobacco and a cotton undershirt out of the deal with- 
 out doing so. 
 
A WELL-DRESSED Politician was riding along in a fine 
 carriage one beautiful autumn day. The quail whistled 
 merrily upon the rail fence, and the squirrel was busy 
 sorting over his hickory nuts, while the brilhant colored 
 leaves rustled and whispered in the soft breeze. A boun- 
 tiful harvest was being gathered and the song of the 
 farmer was heard in the land. 
 
 But the Politician was not bothering his head about 
 Landscapes or Harvests, for it was only six weeks until 
 Election, and he knew he needed every vote he could 
 scrape up to avoid being Snowed Under and thereby 
 losing a fat Office. Consequently he was hustling 
 around among the farmers and other Unsuspecting 
 People. 
 
 Soon he espied a lumber wagon coming jolting along 
 in the dust, and straightway he began fumbling in his 
 upper vest pocket. 
 
 " That looks like Old Bill Thompson. Yes, sir, it's 
 Bill, sure. I must get solid with him. He's influential 
 around here, if he is an old Moss-Back. Where the 
 Dickens are those Two-fers.^ I can't waste good cigars 
 on him. He doesn't know any more about cigars than a 
 Kentucky Colonel does about water. Ah, here they are. 
 
Fli]^ Flap Fables 85 
 
 Good-morning, Mr. Thompson. Fine day. Have a 
 Cigar. These are splendid smokers. Spanking fine team 
 you have there. Slefek as moles. But then you have the 
 best of everything. I often tell my wife if we were 
 fixed as you are I'd be perfectly happy. How's little 
 Jethro.? Didn't he have a bad spell while ago? Wife 
 and I intended much as could be to come out and see 
 him, but I was so busy." 
 
 " Yas, he had quite a bad spell, but Doc Slowboy 
 fetched him out all right," and the Old Farmer looked 
 pleased and grateful. 
 
 " That's good. Rest of the family all right, I sup- 
 pose. f^ " 
 
 " Yas ; 'ceptin' mother. She's had a hackin' cough 
 lately." 
 
 " Is that so? Well, say, first time you're in town 
 come to my house and wife'll give you a cough medicine 
 that'll knock it in no time. Don't forget, now. 'Cause 
 we think everything of your wife." 
 
 When he had sized up the whole family the Politician 
 edged around to business and soon had the Old Farmer 
 all Balled Up on the Election. 
 
 He gave the Old Chap the Smooth Article in proper 
 shape and soon had everything coming his way. The 
 Old Farmer felt that at last he had found a friend; 
 somebody who really cared for him. Of course he natu- 
 rally felt interested in his friend's success, and made up 
 his mind to give him a Boost out in the country. So he 
 dropped his work and went to Electioneering. He drove 
 all around the country exhorting and arguing with his 
 neighbors. Made sixteen life-long enemies; got into 
 
86 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 four fights, getting licked four times ; foundered two of 
 his best horses and gave another one the cohc in his zeah 
 He neglected his Fall work and the late rains ruined 
 half of his Crops because he was too busy Electioneering 
 to get them in out of the wet. 
 
 Owing to the efforts of this Old Sucker, coupled with 
 the efforts of other Simple-Minded People, the Politician 
 was elected. 
 
 Then the Old Farmer was filled to the top of his sun- 
 burnt neck with a wild, jubilant joy. He danced a coun- 
 try edition of the Can-can; gave the hired man a five- 
 dollar-bill and a vacation to go on a Bender; hugged 
 the hired girl, thereby getting a lump raised on his head 
 w ith the mop ; nearly scared the dog into a fit, and had a 
 general good time. He even promised his wife a new 
 calico dress, which amply proves that his breast was a 
 wild, surging turmoil of unalloyed happiness. His 
 bosom friend, the Politician, had been elected by his 
 efforts. Hoop la! Sick 'im, Towser! 
 
 The Old Farmer stood at the gate all day eagerly 
 watching the road, for he expected any minute to have a 
 foam-flecked Livery Horse dash up and have the rider 
 hand him a message to come and rest his head upon the 
 Politician's Bosom. But the foam-flecked Livery Horse 
 didn't show up worth a cent. The next day the Old 
 Farmer went to town, and upon seeing the Politician 
 ran to meet him, stubbing his toe and getting the nose- 
 bleed in his haste to get his dear friend in his arms. 
 
 But that astute, well-dressed gentleman was elected 
 now, and didn't have to hand out a Line of Talk to 
 every old Jay he met. He even omitted his customary 
 
Flip Flap Fables 87 
 
 query after the family health. He shook hands in a 
 Flabby Way and took a Quiet Sneak soon as possible. 
 Then the Old Farmer saw that he had been Bam- 
 boozled again and went home and jawed the hired man 
 and kicked the dog in the ear. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 People who will let 'em work the con racket twice are 
 deficient in gray matter and couldn't use a moral. Others 
 don't need one. 
 
HOW THE ANIMAL5 
 CHOSE THEIR KING 
 
 Once upon a time the Animals of the Forest held a 
 Convention to elect a King. After considerable jang- 
 ling and wire-pulling among the different factions, the 
 Monkey was made Chairman; partly on account of his 
 Wise, Grave appearance, and partly because each fac- 
 tion thought they could use him to further their own 
 Ends. 
 
 After the Convention had been called to order the 
 different animals began to put forth their claims to roy- 
 alty. But after a number of delegates had voiced their 
 ideas the Chairman got dead Wise to his Job. He got 
 next to the fact that he was " It," and had the Conven- 
 tion by the bosom of its pants. Thereafter he refused 
 to recognize any delegate but a Monkey. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 89 
 
 So adroitly did he manage it that he was about to 
 have The Monkey declared King, when the other dele- 
 gates tumbled to the fact that they were being Horn- 
 swoggled. At that critical juncture a Lion, sitting in the 
 front row, sprang forward and in less time than it takes 
 to tell it made a hasty meal of the Succulent Chairman, 
 thereby ending his personal claims to Royalty. As he 
 swallowed the last hind leg, the Lion remarked gravely : 
 
 " I move we place the Gazelle in the Chair. Then 
 we shall all get fair play." 
 
 " Oh, come off. The Gazelle would make a lovely 
 Chairman, wouldn't he? " shouted a Raccoon from the 
 back seats. 
 
 " You close your face or you will make somebody a 
 lovely lunch," retorted the Lion sharply. 
 
 No other delegate objecting, the trembling Gazelle 
 was led forward and placed in the Chair just vacated 
 by the Monkey. But it was soon obvious that the Lion 
 now bossed the Convention, as the new Chairman looked 
 to him as he would to a superior officer, and never made 
 a decision unless it favored the Lion. 
 
 Shortly after, the Tiger, becoming enraged at some 
 ruling by the Chair, leaped forward and ate up the 
 Gazelle. Then, of course, another Presiding Officer had 
 to be found. 
 
 " I move w^e put somebody in the Chair that you big 
 duffers can't eat," shouted the Raccoon. 
 
 " Good idea. What's the matter with the Porcu- 
 pine.'^ " cried the Coyote. 
 
 " The Porcupine certainly has lots of Good Points," 
 remarked the Fox. 
 
90 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 "Fellow delegates, I move we kill the last speaker 
 and pro-rate his remains. Such levitj is entirely out of 
 place in a grave, deliberative body of this kind," said 
 the Panther. 
 
 To this suggestion the delegates heartily agreed, al- 
 though the Fox was rather small and barely furnished 
 a bite for each delegate. 
 
 After this episode the Woodchuck was placed in the 
 Chair and the work of the Convention proceeded once 
 more. 
 
 Some of the stronger delegates, however, soon ob- 
 jected to his rulings, and he went the way of his pre- 
 decessors. 
 
 This was kept up until a number of Chairmen had 
 been disposed of. 
 
 " Gentlemen, we evidently made a serious mistake in 
 calling this Convention to order before dinner," re- 
 marked the Raccoon, after the seventh occupant of the 
 Chair had disappeared. 
 
 " Never mind. If we keep on, half of us will have had 
 our dinners, and the other half won't need it," said the 
 Possum. 
 
 " I consider that last remark as a personal affront," 
 said the Tiger, who had eaten two of the previous Chair- 
 men, and therefore felt somewhat tender on that point. 
 He then made a break for the Possum, but that astute 
 party hastily shinned up a tree and out on a limb, where 
 he hung by the tail and guyed the Convention. 
 
 " It seems to me that our deliberations are not as 
 harmonious as they should be," remarked the Lion, wink- 
 ing at the Grizzily Bear. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 91 
 
 " You haven't any kick coming. Things are going 
 your way," called down the Possum. 
 
 " I believe this Convention is packed," shouted a dele- 
 gate. 
 
 " I know of seven members that have been thoroughly 
 packed, to my knowledge," remarked another. 
 
 " Fellow delegates," said the Raccoon, arising and 
 looking warily at the Tiger, " I think we should certainly 
 place some one in the Chair who has strength enough 
 to protect himself." 
 
 " Make the Skunk Chairman," called down the Pos- 
 sum. 
 
 The Skunk, hearing his name called, waddled up to- 
 ward the Speaker's Stand. The other delegates hastily 
 gave him a wide berth, and his near approach created 
 such an excitement that it ended in a general fight, 
 which raged furiously. 
 
 When the carnage was over, every delegate lay dead 
 on the field or had made his escape, except the Lion and 
 the Panther. 
 
 These two animals eyed each other a moment, then 
 the Panther said anxiously : 
 
 " Let's divide the tie." 
 
 But the Lion smiled blandly, and replied: 
 
 " Not to-daj^, my son. I have a Hunch that I am 
 the better man. This isn't a tie. It's a cinch," and he 
 made a quick meal of the other survivor. 
 
 " How unfortunate for them that they could not all 
 have agreed with me ! As it is, I shall be obliged to de- 
 clare myself King," murmured the Lion, licking his 
 chops complaisantly. 
 
92 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Don't try to umpire a game among strangers unless 
 you have the muscle to back your decisions. 
 
^h 
 
 FOOLED Hw 
 
 IFE 
 
 Once there lived a Man who flourished under the 
 patronymic of Racer — Mr. WilHam Racer. He was 
 large and bright and very good-natured, and the Boys 
 all liked him. He was a Jolly Loser and consequently 
 in great demand at poker games. Mr. Racer owned one 
 of the Nicest Little Wives. They were greatly Attached 
 to each other by a Marriage Certificate, but they got 
 along very happily. Mr. Racer was not bothered by 
 Wifey trying to get Next to his Midnight Sessions with 
 the Boys, so he liked her first rate. 
 
 One morning at the breakfast table, Mrs. Racer re- 
 marked : 
 
 " Weren't you out rather late last night, William? " 
 
 " I expect it was a little late when I came in, Mary, 
 but you know business men cannot always go home when 
 they wish. For instance, last night we had an important 
 Meeting in which many Matters pertaining to Business 
 were Discussed," replied William in a frank, honest 
 way. 
 
94 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " You business men use the queerest expressions," re- 
 marked Wifej, as she buttered another buckwheat cake. 
 
 " I suppose many of them do sound queer to you 
 women folks," said WilHam, patronizingly, his mind 
 reverting to " puts," " calls," " selling short," etc. 
 
 " You have been talking in your sleep lately and that 
 is how I came to hear the odd expressions I referred to." 
 
 " What did I say, Mary ? " inquired William, passing 
 his coffee cup. 
 
 " Oh, I don't remember half of them. You talked 
 about somebody having a ' Flush,' I remember that." 
 
 Mr. Racer cast a sharp glance at his better half, but 
 her face was Child-like and Bland, so his suspicions were 
 at once disarmed. 
 
 " Ha, ha," he laughed rather boisterously, " did I say 
 that.f^ You know Tom Morley and what a red face 
 he has all of the time. Well, when he gets up to talk 
 before a Meeting, his face flushes redder than ever, and 
 the rest of us all tease him about having such a flush on 
 his face." 
 
 " And you said something about ' seeing ' somebody's 
 ' Bluff^,' " observed wifey, passing her plate for more 
 beefsteak. 
 
 William laughed good-naturedly. He saw that she 
 was Groping in the Dark and he was at his ease. 
 
 " That was J. T. Brown. He has a claim out at Crip- 
 ple Creek on a bluff" and he is always at us to go out and 
 see his Bluffs. Thinks he can sell it to us." 
 
 " And what did 3^ou mean by ' Pat Straight ' .? " in- 
 quired Mrs. Racer. 
 
 Mr. Racer smiled and said: 
 
Flip Flap Fables 95 
 
 " Dan Grimes has a friend visiting him by the name 
 of Patrick Straight. He is a jolly fellow, and of course 
 the boys all call him Pat soon as they get acquainted." 
 
 " You kept muttering something about ' Jack Pot.' 
 Is that a man's name, too ? " 
 
 " Yes. He is a travelling man that the boys got ac- 
 quainted with. Nice fellow, too. His full name is John 
 T. Potts, but his friends all call him Jack," remarked 
 Mr. Racer, arising and looking at his watch. 
 
 " Goodness ! It's nearly half-past eight. I must get 
 down to the office. Anything you want, Mary ? " 
 
 " Yes, William. I wish you would let me have five 
 dollars." 
 
 Mr. Racer looked surprised. " Why, Mary, I gave 
 you five only a day or two ago. But of course it's all 
 right. I know you spend it economically. Here it is. 
 Good-bye." 
 
 " Thank you, William. I will make it go as far as 
 possible. By the way, bring Mr. Straight and Mr. 
 Potts up to dinner with you, sometime." 
 
 " I will. I've been going to ask you for some time if 
 I couldn't. They are both rattling good fellows," and 
 Mr. Racer departed with a gentle twinkle in his eye. 
 
 As he walked down town he chuckled to himself : 
 
 " By George, I got out of that easy. I must tell the 
 boys, sure. It's a shame, though, to lie to a poor woman 
 that way. And she never suspected a thing. Oh, well, 
 we have to do it." 
 
 That afternoon Mrs. Racer called on her chum Mrs. 
 Rosemond. After the greetings were over Mrs. Racer 
 asked : 
 
96 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " Will there be enough for a quorum to-day? " 
 
 " I guess so," answered her hostess. " May Chelton 
 and Mrs. Furth will be here and I rather expect Susie 
 Troy." 
 
 " Good," cried Mrs. Racer, " I hope Susie comes. I've 
 got it in for her for blowing me out of that big jack 
 pot with a pair of fours last Wednesday. She's a pretty 
 smooth poker player, Susie is, but I'll get even with her, 
 sure as my name is Mollie Racer." 
 
 " Well, you will soon have an opportunity. Here 
 come all three of them," her hostess remarked. 
 
 When they were seated around the table counting out 
 the chips, Mrs. Racer said: 
 
 " Girls, I had more than a bushel of fun this morn- 
 ing." 
 
 " What was that — Hold on, Susie. Give me more 
 Reds and less Blues. That's better. Now, what about 
 That fun, Molhe.? " and Mrs. Furth leaned back in her 
 chair expectantly. 
 
 " Why, I told William this morning that he had been 
 talking in his sleep lately. Of course he wanted to 
 know w^hat he said, so I worked off a lot of poker ex- 
 pressions on him, and, say, it would have done your 
 hearts good to hear that Bald-Headed Old Liar explain 
 what w^as meant by a ' Flush,' and who ' Pat Straight ' 
 and ' Jack Potts ' were. Honestly, I felt proud of him, 
 for his nerve and ready wit." 
 
 A burst of feminine laughter greeted this bit of pleas- 
 antry, and Mrs. Racer continued: "Of course I swal- 
 low^ed the whole thing, and he was so glad to get out of 
 the corner in good shape that I had no trouble in work 
 
Flip Flap Fables 97 
 
 ing him for a V to get into the game this afternoon. 
 Whose ante is it? " 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When it comes to fine work, m^ son, you are back of 
 the flag. 
 
YOUNG 
 
 JROOJTERi 
 
 A Young Rooster that was trying to 
 perfect himself in the art of crowing 
 mounted a high farm gate-post one fine 
 morning and began practicing his daily &^^ 
 lesson. 
 
 His maiden efforts were very crude. 
 In fact, they were heartrending. He didn't seem to be 
 able to get out more than half of the crow, causing the 
 listener to unconsciously feel for a 
 corkscrew to help pull out the other 
 half. 
 
 Nevertheless the Young Rooster was 
 proud of his little sawed-off Crow, as 
 a boy is of his first striped sweater. 
 
 A shrewd Old Fox chanced to be 
 skirmishing around, looking for some- 
 thing to fill an aching void, and he 
 espied the vain young fowl. He had 
 heard roosters crow before, and he 
 knew this chap was a young. Tender, 
 Foolish one. 
 
Flip Flap Fables 99 
 
 " Gee Whittaker. I would almost give half of my 
 brush to set mj teeth into that fellow. Wonder what the 
 show is to get him ? " murmured the Fox as he loafed 
 up to the high gate-post. 
 
 The Young Rooster glanced down and saw his vis- 
 itor. 
 
 " Hello. Who are you and where did you come 
 from ? " he inquired loftily. 
 
 " Me. Oh, I'm an imported calf from the Sandwich 
 Islands. I live over on the next farm. I heard such 
 beautiful Crowing that I came over to see what kind 
 of a rooster was doing it. We don't hear anything like 
 that in my country," replied the Fox affably. 
 
 " Do you really think it is good.^^ " asked the Young 
 Rooster eagerly. 
 
 " Upon my word it is the sweetest piece of Crowing I 
 ever listened to," replied the Fox solemnly, squatting 
 down on his Haunches, while his mouth Watered. 
 
 The Young Rooster was tickled all over and at once 
 Exhaled another Little Gurgle. 
 
 " By George. That was just beautiful. Give us 
 another just like it," said the Fox, doing his best to 
 keep a straight face. 
 
 The vain Young Rooster ground out another choked- 
 off crow. 
 
 " You are just simply the Best Ever," remarked the 
 Fox, swallowing a Giggle. 
 
 " I told them I could Crow, but they said I couldn't, 
 and made me come out here to practice. It's a shame," 
 and the Young Rooster looked very much hurt. 
 
 " Oh, well, they're not in your class, and wouldn't 
 
100 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 appreciate your music. I do. Just give us another." 
 The Fox jolHed up the Young Rooster some more 
 
 and kept him crowing until the simple-minded fowl fell 
 
 off the gate-post from sheer exhaustion. 
 
 " It seems like a pity to eat him, he was so easy. But 
 
 I suppose the sooner such blamed fools are dead the 
 
 better," murmured the Fox, taking the vain Young 
 
 Rooster tenderly by the neck and trotting home with 
 
 him. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When they jolly you up for the whole cheese lean 
 up against something and think. 
 
THE PHILOSOPHER AND THE 
 ANT 
 
 A Red Ant one hot summer day was dragging a big, 
 greasy, Maroon-Colored Worm up the slope of a little 
 Hill that was used as a garden patch. A Man hap- 
 pened to be standing around on one leg, leaning on a 
 hoe, and observing with conflicting emotions the ease 
 with which the weeds outstripped the vegetables, and, 
 being a Philosopher, he was naturally interested in the 
 Red Ant. He had mutilated an area of weeds the size 
 of a doily and was, therefore, fatigued. So lighting 
 his pipe he sat down on a summer squash to observe 
 how the insect, which he had been taught was the con- 
 centrated essence of wisdom, performed its task. The 
 Red Ant dug its claws in the ears of the Maroon-Colored 
 Worm and started backward up the hill. Soon it ran 
 bang up against a cucumber big as a nubbin of corn, 
 and without looking around to see what the obstruction 
 was, or how big, walked up over the cucumber backward, 
 dragging the Maroon-Colored Worm after, tumbled 
 down the other side, jumped up, and, grabbing its prey 
 by the bellyband, started up the hill again. 
 
 Pretty soon the Red Ant came to a depression made 
 by the Philosopher's No. 10 boot heel in coming down 
 hill. Instead of veering half an inch to go around the 
 depression, the Industrious Insect backed into the hole 
 
102 mip Flap Fables 
 
 on the shallow side, and soon bumped up against a sheer 
 three-inch wall. Without turning its head to investi- 
 gate, the Red Ant backed up the wall, laboriously pull- 
 ing the Maroon-Colored Worm along. 
 
 Just at the top one of the worm's ribs broke, causing 
 the Ant to loosen its hold, and the Maroon-Colored 
 Worm plunked back into the hole. Then, of course, 
 the Ant had to chase down the wall and hook onto its 
 prey again. After six or seven attempts the Red Ant 
 succeeded in getting its victim out of the hole and 
 paused to rest a moment. It was panting and sweat- 
 ing like a Bay Steer in Fly Time, and appeared to be 
 almost exhausted. 
 
 " My friend," observed the Philosopher, " you have 
 taught me a lesson to-day that I shall not soon forget." 
 
 " Is that so.? " said the Red Ant, kicking a June Bug 
 in the ear that stood in its way, and taking a seat on a 
 prostrate stalk of blue-grass, where it fanned its per- 
 spiring features vigorously with a bit of leaf. 
 
 " Yes, that is so. All my life I have been reading 
 about the long-headed wisdom and sagacity of the Ant. 
 You know more than anybody." 
 
 " We are pretty middling shrewd. I guess we can 
 give Cards and Spades to most any of them," replied the 
 Red Ant complaisantly, wiping a drop of perspiration 
 or something from its nose with a bit of cucumber leaf 
 and keeping one eye on the Maroon-Colored Worm. 
 
 " You couldn't give Cards and Spades to a dead 
 angleworm," snorted the Philosopher, irritated at the 
 Red Ant's bigotry ; " you don't know enough to pound 
 sand in a rat hole. The idea of Lunkheads like you 
 
Flip Flap Fables 103 
 
 posing as Monuments of Wisdom," and the Philosopher 
 blew out a hatful of smoke. 
 
 " What's the matter now. What are you ripping me 
 up the back for.? " said the Red Ant, ruffling up. 
 
 " Matter enough. I have been watching you come 
 up the hill with that Old Worm. You make me tired." 
 
 " Well, didn't I bring it all right.? " asked the Ant. 
 
 " Yes, you brought it — after a fashion," replied the 
 Philosopher curtly. 
 
 " Then what are you kicking about ? " said the Red 
 Ant indignantly. 
 
 " I am kicking at the methods you employ. You 
 worked twice as hard in getting that Worm up here as 
 you had any need to. For instance, why did you pull 
 such a heavy load up over that big cucumber instead 
 of going a few inches around on level ground.? " 
 
 " Because I was going backwards and have no eyes in 
 my hind legs," replied the Red Ant briefly. 
 
 " And why did you drag such a heavy worm into that 
 hole and then climb this steep wall when you could have 
 gone around and had a good road and easy sledding.? " 
 
 " Same reason that I climbed the cucumber." 
 
 " All that extra work shows that you lack brains. 
 Had you stopped and figured a moment you might have 
 done it much easier." 
 
 " But didn't I get here with the Worm .? " persisted 
 the Red Ant. 
 
 " Yes ; but, you simpleton, see how much easier you 
 might have performed your task if you had used some 
 brains," replied the Philosopher, puffing away in dis- 
 gust at the Red Ant's lack of perception. 
 
104 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 " Then, according to your Philosophy, brains consists 
 in doing work the easiest way. Is that right ? " queried 
 the Red Ant, squinting up at the Philosopher. 
 
 " To a certain extent, yes," admitted the Philosopher, 
 looking somewhat annoyed as he crossed his legs. 
 
 " I still fail to see the use of brains if I can get my 
 grub home without them," said the Red Ant, stretching 
 its legs preparatory to resuming its labors. 
 
 " Oh, well, what's the use Of arguing with an ignor- 
 ant critter like you, anyhow. I might have known bet- 
 ter. The Philosopher swelled with Pride and Vanity as 
 he looked down at the Red Ant. We are Lords of Crea- 
 tion," he went on, " because we have brains and do our 
 work the easiest way. We rule the world," and he grew 
 Chesty. "At our command, stately ships plough the sea 
 and go to far-away lands in search of luxuries for us. 
 Magnificent trains dash across the continent on the 
 wings of the wind. We travel in luxury. We revel in 
 luxury. We eat the choicest things of earth. We dress 
 in purple and fine linen, and costly jewels flash from our 
 person. The world is our servant. Why? Because we 
 have brains," and the Philosopher grew another inch. 
 
 The Red Ant scratched its ear and gazed up at the 
 Philosopher with considerable awe. 
 
 " Gosh, I didn't know that." 
 
 " That's the size of the proposition," replied the 
 Philosopher. Then he raised his arm impressively, while 
 his Chest swelled out like a Pouter Pigeon in spring. 
 " Do you see that great Brick House? That's where I 
 live." 
 
 " Is it possible that just one Man has such a large, 
 
Flip Flap Fables 105 
 
 fine home. You must be very wise and shrewd. Why 
 do you work at all when you have so many brains ? " 
 asked the Red Ant in astonishment. 
 
 " Oh, I have to work some for my health," replied the 
 Philosopher, arising and looking around cautiously. 
 
 Just then a voice bawled out: 
 
 " Jones, you lazy old rat, git to work. When we took 
 you in the Poorhouse, we told you that you'd have to 
 work, an' you got to, long's I'm Overseer. The minute 
 I git out o' sight you begin to soldier. That's got to be 
 stopped. Now you git a move on you." 
 
 "Is this a Poorhouse.? Are you .? " But the 
 
 Philosopher turned his back in a grouchy way and be- 
 gan pecking gingerly at the weeds, while the Red Ant, 
 after contemplating him a moment, took a half -Nelson 
 on the Maroon-Colored Worm and started up the hill 
 again. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 When four-flushing be careful that no one sees your 
 hand. They may give it away. 
 
THE :^ ~^=^ 
 
 INFLOENT 
 
 An Influential, Highly-Respected Citizen was once 
 taking a stroll in the outskirts of the city, one of the 
 objects of said stroll being to eliminate a moderate sized 
 Jag which had accumulated in his system. 
 
 As the I. H. R. C. had been steeped in Jags for many 
 years, his nasal protuberance was a lovely crimson, and 
 the size of a fall turnip. It was also considerably listed 
 to port, owing to a misunderstanding with a contem- 
 porary in previous years. The I. H. R. C. was not a 
 very handsome beast, but he was fat, and as he was 
 regularly re-elected Alderman of his Ward, he was, of 
 course. Influential and Highly Respected. 
 
 He also donated liberally to the various churches and 
 put up the dough for a beautifully upholstered pew, 
 which, of course, made him a very Moral Man. 
 
 He rambled along smoking a strong, rank cigar, and 
 presently came to a Bunch of Limberger roosting on a 
 board. Limburger Cheese isn't Attar of Roses and 
 doesn't claim to be. In fact, its odor is not appreciated 
 at all by delicate nostrils. The I. H. R. C. wanted to 
 let on that he was very dainty in his tastes, so he let a 
 roar out of him the first thing. 
 
 " Whew ! It's an outrage on the community to allow 
 such a vile-smelling thing to be manufactured. Go 
 
Flip Flap Fables 107 
 
 crawl under a haystack somewhere and give us a rest," 
 and he tried to turn up the expansive excrescence that 
 stood for a nose. 
 
 The Limburger caught a whifF of the I. H. R. C, and 
 growled : 
 
 " Go chase your face. If I poisoned the air as you 
 do, I'd quit business." 
 
 " Oh, come off. You're talking through your hat. 
 You wouldn't know a nice odor if you smelled it. No- 
 body ever complains of me," and the I. H. R. C. grew 
 Chesty with indignation. 
 
 " Just the same, I'll bet you Twenty Plunks that if 
 we could get your wife here blindfolded, she would say 
 you smell worse than I do." 
 
 " That's a good bet if I lose. For she never com- 
 plains of me. How can we fix it.?" replied the I. H. 
 R. C. eagerly, scenting some easy money. 
 
 Just then Vulcan appeared and asked : 
 
 " What is the Rag-Chewing about ? " 
 
 The situation was explained to him, and he at once 
 caused the I. H. R. C.'s wife to appear upon the scene 
 blindfolded. 
 
 Vulcan explained that he wished her to pass judgment 
 upon Two Odors, and, bottling up some of each, the 
 odor that exuded from the I. II. R. C. was handed her. 
 
 The woman took a sniff and gagged a little. " It 
 smells almost exactly like John, only not quite so 
 strong." She breathed the other perfume gratefully. 
 " Dear me, that's nice. It has an odd smell, but it is so 
 delightful after smelling the other. Wish I had some of 
 
108 Flip Flap Fables 
 
 it in the house to sweeten the air after John comes 
 home." 
 
 Then the I. H. R. C. sneaked away and threw in Three 
 more Geysers. 
 
 MORAL 
 
 Speaking of smells. The average married woman has 
 the long haul, with no equalization. 
 
IVIAR 20 m7 
 
/-: 3^11