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REVIZOR 
 
 A COMEDY 
 
 NIKOLAS V/ GOGOL 
 
 \ н 
 
 TRANSLATED FOR 
 
 THE YALE UNIVERSITY 
 DRAMATIC ASSOCIATION 
 
 By Max S. Mandell 
 
 Instructor in Russian at Yale University 
 
 WITH AN INTRODUCTION 
 
 By William Lyon Phelps 
 
 Lam/son Professor of English Literature at Yale University 
 
 Ф 
 
 NEW HAVEN, CONN. 
 
 Published under the Supervision of 
 
 Charles Pascal Franchot, 1910 
 

 ъъъ 
 
 U&<iARYofCO№ BESS 
 
 Two Copies rfece' _ 
 
 APR 10 1908 
 
 jjOyyriftili entry 
 
 SLAS80 XXc. rtu, 
 
 / 2. «г г.^7 
 
 £OPY 8. 
 
 Copyright, 1908, 
 By The Yale University Dramatic Association. 
 
 THE TUTTLE, MOREHOUSE & TAYLOR COMPANY, 
 NEW HAVEN, CONN. 
 
THIS VOLUME IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO 
 
 PRESIDENT ARTHUR T. HADLEY, 
 
 IN THE FIRST YEAR OF WHOSE ADMINISTRATION 
 
 THE YALE UNIVERSITY DRAMATIC ASSOCIATION WAS 
 
 FOUNDED, AND WHO HAS BEEN TO THE ORGANIZATION 
 
 A FAITHFUL AND POWERFUL FRIEND. 
 
Note. — In publishing this Acting Version of "Revizor" the Yale 
 University Dramatic Association does not use a literal translation 
 of the Russian text, but rather one that is freely abridged and 
 adapted to suit the needs of an American production. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 The policy of the Yale University Dramatic Association 
 is to select for the annual spring performances plays which 
 belong to standard literature and at the same time are 
 seldom, if ever, mounted on the professional stage. In 
 selecting for 1908 Gogol's Revizor it is believed that both 
 these purposes are fulfilled; for so far as I have been able 
 to discover, the Yale presentation will be the first ever given 
 anywhere in English ; and as to the position in world litera- 
 ture of this drama, it is universally admitted to be the finest 
 play in the Russian language. 
 
 Mr. Max Mandell, Instructor in Russian in the Univer- 
 sity, to whose generosity and kindness all students of the 
 Russian language and literature at New Haven already owe 
 so much, has translated the entire work directly from the 
 original, for the use of the Yale University Dramatic 
 Association; but it should be noted here that in publishing 
 this acting version the Dramatic Association has freely 
 adapted and abridged Mr. Mandell's translation with a view 
 to making it more effective for an American stage 
 performance. 
 
 In preparing the few words that I have written as an 
 Introduction I have consulted volumes that are mentioned 
 in the Bibliography; but my chief and constant obligation 
 is to the admirable These de Doctor at on Gogol, written by 
 Mile. Raina Tyrneva at the University of Lyon, and pub- 
 lished at Aix in 1901. Among doctors' theses in general 
 this shines out "like a star i' the darkest night." 
 
 W. L. P. 
 Yale College, 16th March, 1908. 
 
"La langue russe, qui est, autant que j'en puis juger, 
 le plus riche des idiomes de l'Europe, semble faite pour 
 exprimer les nuances les plus delicates. Douee d'une 
 merveilleuse concision qui s'allie a la clarte, il lui suffit d'un 
 mot pour associer plusieurs idees qui, dans une autre langue, 
 exigeraient des phrases entieres." — Prosper Merimee. 
 
 "The word Briton echoes with knowledge of the heart, 
 and wise knowledge of life ; the word French, which is not 
 of ancient date, glitters with a light foppery, and flits 
 away; the sagely artistic word German ingeniously dis- 
 covers its meaning, which is not attainable by everyone; 
 but there is no word which is so ready, so audacious, which 
 is torn from beneath the heart itself, which is so burning, 
 so full of life, as the aptly applied Russian word." — Gogol. 
 
 "In these days of doubt, in these days of painful brooding 
 over the fate of my country, you alone are my rod and my 
 staff, О great, mighty, true, and free Russian language! 
 If it were not for you, how could one keep from despairing 
 at the sight of what is going on at home ? But it is incon- 
 ceivable that such a language should not belong to a great 
 people." — Turgenev. 
 
INTRODUCTION, 
 
 NIKOLAS GOGOL. 
 
 Nikolas Vassilievitch Gogol was born at Sorotchinetz, 
 in Little Russia, in March, 1809, the exact day being impos- 
 sible to discover. The year in which he appeared on the 
 planet proved to be the literary annus mirabilis of the cen- 
 tury; for in this same twelvemonth were born Charles 
 Darwin, Alfred Tennyson, Abraham Lincoln, Рое, Glad- 
 stone, Holmes, Chopin, and Mendelssohn. His father was 
 a literary amateur, who wrote dramatic pieces for his own 
 amusement, and who spent his time on the old family estate, 
 not in managing the farms, but in wandering about the 
 gardens and beholding the fowls of the air. The boy 
 inherited much from his father; but he had the best of 
 all private tutors, a good mother, of whom his biographer 
 says, Elle demeure toujours sa plus intime amie. 
 
 At the age of twelve, Nikolas was sent away to the high 
 school at Nyezhin, a town near Kiev. There he remained 
 from 1 82 1 to 1828. He was a poor student, having no 
 enthusiasm for his lessons, and showing no distinction 
 either in scholarship or deportment. Fortunately, however, 
 the school had a theatre of its own, and Gogol, who hated 
 mathematics, and cared little for the study of modern lan- 
 guages, here found an outlet for all his mental energy. 
 He soon became the acknowledged leader of the school in 
 
ѴІІІ REVIZOR. 
 
 matters dramatic, and unconsciously prepared himself for 
 his future career. Like Schiller, he wrote a tragedy, called 
 The Robbers. 
 
 In December, 1828, Gogol took up his residence in St. 
 Petersburg, bringing with him some manuscripts that he 
 had written while at school. He had the temerity to publish 
 one, which was so brutally ridiculed by the critics, that the 
 young genius, in despair, burned all the unsold copies. 
 Then he vainly tried various means of subsistence. Sud- 
 denly he decided to seek his fortune in America, but he 
 was both homesick and seasick before the ship emerged 
 from the Baltic, and from Lubeck he fled incontinently back 
 to Petersburg. Then he tried to become an actor, but his 
 voice was not sufficiently strong. For a short time he held 
 a minor official position, and a little later was professor of 
 history, an occupation he did not enjoy, saying after his 
 resignation, "I am now a free Cossack again." Mean- 
 while his pen was steadily busy, and his sketches of farm life 
 in the Ukraine attracted considerable attention among 
 literary circles in the capital. 
 
 In 1 83 1, he had the good fortune to make the acquaint- 
 ance of the great poet Pushkin, father of modern Russian 
 literature, and a few months later in the same year he was 
 presented to Madame Smirnova; these friends gave him 
 the entree to the Petersburg salons, and the young writer 
 found himself in a wholly congenial environment. Jt was 
 Pushkin who suggested to him the subjects for two of his 
 most famous works, Revizor and Dead Souls. Another 
 friend, Joukovsky, exercised a powerful influence, and gave 
 invaluable aid at several crises of his career. Joukovsky 
 had translated the Iliad and the Odyssey; his enthusiasm 
 for Hellenic poetry was contagious ; and under this inspira- 
 
 
REVIZOR. ІХ 
 
 tion Gogol proceeded to write the most Homeric romance 
 in Russian literature, Taras Bulb a (1834). This story gave 
 the first indubitable proof of its author's genius, and to-day 
 in the world's fiction, it holds an unassailable place in the 
 front rank. The book is so short that it may be read 
 through in less than two hours ; but it gives the same 
 impression of vastness and immensity as the huge volumes 
 of Sienkiewicz. 
 
 Gogol followed this amazingly powerful romance by two 
 other works, which seem to have all the marks of immor- 
 tality — the comedy Revizor (1836), and a long, unfinished 
 novel, which its author called a poem, Dead Souls (1842). 
 This latter book is the first of the great realistic novels 
 of Russia, of which Fathers and Sons, Crime and Punish- 
 ment, and Anna Karenina are such splendid examples. 
 
 From 1836 to his death in 1852, Gogol lived mainly 
 abroad, and spent much time in travel. His favorite place 
 of residence was Rome, to which city he repeatedly returned 
 with increasing affection. In 1848 he made a pilgrimage 
 to the Holy Land, for Gogol never departed from the pious 
 Christian faith taught him by his mother; in fact, toward 
 the end of his life, he became a mystic. The last years were 
 marred by illness, and — a common thing among Russian 
 literary geniuses — by intense nervous depression. He died 
 at Moscow, the 21st February, 1852. His last words were 
 J:he old saying, "And I shall laugh with a bitter laugh." 
 These words were placed on his tomb. 
 
X REVIZOR. 
 
 II. 
 
 "REVIZOR." 
 
 Gogol is the founder of Russian realism. His single 
 great predecessor in Russian literature, Pushkin, was a 
 romantic, and like all other Europeans of his time, was 
 influenced chiefly by Byron. But Gogol, after producing 
 a historical romance, Taras Bulba, became a realist, the 
 father of a race of giants, among whom Turgenev, Tolstoi, 
 and Dostoievski seem the biggest to occidental eyes. 
 Gogol's laughter is full of tears, and his bitterness mingled 
 with mirth ; for, unlike his mighty followers, who were men 
 of the north, he was hamtne du midi, a child of Little 
 Russia. Most Russian novels are steeped in pessimism, and 
 their authors were men of sorrows. Gogol, however, has 
 the double distinction of being the only great comic writer 
 in the language, and in particular of being the author of the 
 only Russian drama known all over the world, and still 
 acted everywhere on the Continent. Revizor exhibits clearly 
 the double nature of its author: his genius for moral 
 satire, and his genius for pure fun. From the moral point 
 of view, it is a terrible indictment against the most corrupt 
 bureaucracy of modern times; from the comic point of 
 view, it is an uproarious farce. 
 
 The origin of the play is as follows : While traveling in 
 Russia one day, Pushkin stopped at Nijni-Novgorod. Here 
 he was taken for a state functionary on tour among the 
 provinces for purposes of government inspection. This 
 amused the poet so keenly that he narrated all the circum- 
 stances to Gogol, and suggested that the latter make a 
 play with this experience as the basis of the plot. Gogol 
 
 
REVIZOR. ХІ 
 
 not only acted on the suggestion, but instead of a mere farce, 
 he produced a comedy of manners. Toward the end of 
 his life he wrote : "In Revizor I tried to gather in one heap 
 all that was bad in Russia, as I then understood it : I wished 
 to turn it all into ridicule. The real impression produced 
 was that of fear. Through the laughter that I have never 
 laughed more loudly, the spectator feels my bitterness and 
 sorrow." The drama was finished on the 4th December, 
 1835, and of course the immediate difficulty was the censor- 
 ship. How would it be possible for such a satire either to be 
 printed or acted in Russia? Fortunately, the Czar, Nikolas 
 I, was not only wise and tolerant, but a keen lover of the 
 best in literature. Gogol's friend, Madame Smirnova, car- 
 ried the manuscript to the monarch. It was read to him; 
 he roared with laughter, and immediately ordered that it 
 be acted. We may note also that he became a warm friend 
 of Gogol, and frequently furnished him with money, taking 
 care that the name of his benefactor should remain 
 unknown. 4 
 
 The first performance was on the 19th April, 1856. The 
 Czar attended in person, and applauded vigorously. Its 
 success was immediate, and it has never quitted the stage. 
 Gogol wrote to a friend, "On the opening night I felt 
 uncomfortable from the very first as I sat in the theatre. 
 Anxiety for the approval of the audience did not trouble me. 
 There was only one critic in the house — myself — that I 
 feared. I heard clamorous objections within me which 
 drowned all else. However, the public, as a whole, was 
 satisfied. Half of the audience praised the play, the other 
 half condemned it, but not on artistic grounds." 
 
 Revizor is one of the best constructed comedies in any 
 language: for not only has it a unified and well-ordered 
 
ХІІ REVIZOR. 
 
 plot, but it does not stop with the final fall of the curtain. 
 In the last dumb scene, after all the mirth, the real trouble 
 is about to begin ; and the spectators leave the theatre, not 
 merely with the delightful memory of an evening's enter- 
 tainment, but with their imagination aflame. The comedy 
 resembles real life, in that it has no artificial stop. Further- 
 more, Revizor has that combination of the intensely local 
 element with the universal, so characteristic of works of 
 genius. Its avowed attempt was to satirize local and tem- 
 poral abuses; but it is impossible to imagine any state of 
 society in the near future where the play will not seem real. 
 To-day audiences in Germany enjoy it more than almost 
 any other foreign comedy. 
 
 Wm. Lyon Phelps. 
 
BIBLIOGRAPHY. 
 
 (A very few books by and on Gogol, and one or two 
 works on Russian literature, are mentioned here, both to 
 satisfy possible curiosity, and to stimulate it.) 
 
 Charriere, E. (trans.) Les Ames Mortes. 2 vols. Paris, 
 
 i8 97 . 
 
 Hapgood, I. (trans.) Dead Souls. 2 vols. New York, 
 
 1886. 
 Hapgood, I. (trans.) Tar as Bulb a. New York, 1886. 
 *Hart Davies, T. (trans.) The Inspector (trans, of 
 
 Revizor). Calcutta, 1890. 
 Kaminsky, E. Veillees de V Ukraine. Paris. 
 Merimee, P. Carmen (Contains an essay on Gogol). 
 
 Paris. 
 Merimee, P. Les Deux Heritages. (Contains L'lnspec- 
 
 teur-General, trans, of Revizor.) Paris, 1892. 
 *Morfill, W. Review of Sykes's translation in Academy, 
 
 25th February, 1893. [This review gives an excellent 
 
 idea of the attitude of Englishmen toward Russian 
 
 literature.] 
 Sykes, A. (trans.) The Inspector-General. London, 1892. 
 Tyrneva, R. Nicolas Gogol, Ecrivain et Moraliste. Aix, 
 
 1901. 
 Vogue, E. Le Roman Russe. Paris, 4th ed., 1897. 
 Wolkonsky, S. Pictures of Russian History and Russian 
 
 Literature. Boston, 1897. 
 
 *I am indebted to Mr. Andrew Keogh, of the Yale Library, for 
 this reference. 
 
THE YALE UNIVERSITY DRAMATIC 
 ASSOCIATION. 
 
 (Founded February 28th, 1900, by Henry D. Wescott.) 
 
 OFFICERS. 
 
 President, 
 THOMAS ACHELIS, 1908. 
 
 Vice President, 
 SIDNEY ROLLINS OVERALL, 1908 
 
 Secretary, 
 PHILIP STANLEY WAINWRIGHT, 1908 S. 
 
 Manager, 
 RAYMOND IVES, 1908. 
 
 Assistant Manager, 
 ROBERT MALLORY, JR., 1909. 
 
 
Honorary Members. 
 
 PROFESSOR WILLIAM LYON PHELPS. 
 
 PROFESSOR EDWARD BLISS REED. 
 
 MR. FRANK LEA SHORT. 
 
 Active Members. 
 
 Graduate School. 
 CHARLES ROBERTS HOPKINS. 
 
 1908. 
 
 THOMAS ACHELIS. 
 
 DAVID VANNOOY BENNETT. 
 
 CHARLES TEMPLETON CROCKER. 
 
 WALTER MORGAN CRUNDEN. 
 
 WALTER REMY DRAY. 
 
 *ROBERT WARD HARRIS. 
 
 CHARLES ELLIOT IDE. 
 
 RAYMOND IVES. 
 
 SIDNEY ROLLINS OVERALL. 
 
 DONALD WALLACE PORTER. 
 
 HOWARD STURGES. 
 RONALD MUIRHEAD BYRNES. 
 
 1908 S. 
 
 JOHN PATTERSON RAMSEY. 
 
 PHILIP STANLEY WAINWRIGHT. 
 
 * Has left College. 
 
1909. 
 
 FRANCIS PEABODY BUTLER. 
 
 MILES CARRINGTON HANNAH. 
 
 STANLEY WESTCOTT HOLMES. 
 
 MAXWELL OSWALD PARRY. 
 
 REGINALD CARMAN MAC KNIGHT PEIRCE. 
 
 HUNTINGTON SMITH. 
 
 1910. 
 
 STEPHEN MERRILL CLEMENT, JR. 
 
 CHARLES PASCAL FRANCHOT. 
 
 THOMAS LAWRASON RIGGS. 
 
 HARVEY TRACY WARREN. 
 
 1910 S. 
 MATTHEW GRISWOLD ELY. 
 
 1911. 
 
 ARTHUR MOWRY HARTWELL. 
 
 JOHN VINCENT MCDONNELL. 
 
 EDGAR MONTILLION WOOLLEY. 
 
Frank Lea Short, 
 Stage Director. 
 
THE YALE UNIVERSITY DRAMATIC ASSOCIATION 
 
 Presents as its 
 NINTH ANNUAL SPRING PRODUCTION 
 
 U 
 
 REVIZOR" 
 
 BY NIKOLAS V. GOGOL 
 
 For the first time in America, under the stage direction of 
 
 MR, FRANK LEA SHORT, 
 
 NEW YORK--Waldorf- Astoria Hotel Easter Monday, April 20th, 
 1908, Matinee and Evening* 
 
 HARTFORD- -Parsons' Theatre, Tuesday Evening, April 2 1st, 
 
 WATERBURY-Poli's Theatre, Wednesday, April 22d, Matinee 
 and Evening* 
 
 NEW HAVEN- -Hyperion Theatre, Friday and Saturday Evenings, 
 April 24th and 25th- 
 
FORMER PRODUCTIONS. 
 
 May 23d, 1900. 
 
 "The Pardoner's Tale" of Chaucer and "The Second 
 
 Shepherd's Play." 
 
 April 23d and 24th, 1901. 
 
 Thomas Heywood's "The Fair Maid of the West." 
 
 October 22d, 1901. 
 
 Bicentennial Campus Celebration — Under Auspices of the 
 
 Yale Dramatic Association. 
 
 April 23d and 24th, 1902. 
 Sheridan's "The Critic" and Townley's "High Life Below 
 
 Stairs." 
 
 April 27th and 28th, 1903. 
 
 Oliver Goldsmith's "The Good-Natured Man." 
 
 April 19th and 20th, 1904. 
 
 Tom Taylor's "New Men and Old Acres." 
 
 April 4th and 5th, and Carnegie Lyceum, New York, 
 
 April 7th, 1905. 
 
 A. W. Pinero's "The Magistrate." 
 
 April 3d and 4th, 1906. 
 
 Shakespeare's "Henry IV, Part I." 
 
 First Promenade Performance, January 19th, 190/. 
 
 A. W. Pinero's "The Amazons." 
 
 April 1st, Parsons' Theatre, Hartford, Conn.; April 2d and 
 
 3d, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, New York, and April 5th 
 
 and 6th, 1907, Hyperion Theatre, New Haven. 
 
 Henrik Ibsen's "The Pretenders." 
 
 November 18th, 1907, College Street Hall. 
 
 "El Doctor у El Enfermo," "Einer Muss Heiraten," and 
 
 "Le Pretexte." 
 
 Second Promenade Performance, January 18th, 1908. 
 Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest." 
 
CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 Anton Antonovich Skvoznik-Dmukhanovski, Police 
 Prefect, Maxwell Oswald Parry, 1909. 
 
 Anna Andreevna, his wife, 
 
 Matthew Griszvold Ely, 1910S. 
 
 Marya Antonovna, his daughter, 
 
 Arthur Mowry Hartwell, ipu. 
 
 Luka Lukich Khlopov, Supervisor of schools, 
 
 Reginald Carman Mac Knight Peirce, 1909. 
 
 The Supervisor's Wife, Stanley Westcott Holmes, 1909. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich Lyapkin-Tyapkin, Judge, 
 
 Charles Roberts Hopkins, 190/. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich Zemlyanika, Guardian of the Char- 
 itable Institutions, Ronald Muirhead Byrnes, 1908. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich Shpekin, Postmaster, 
 
 Edgar Montillion Woolley, 1911. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski, Country Squire, 
 
 Thomas Lawrason Riggs, 19 10. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski, Country Squire, 
 
 Harvey Tracy Warren, 1910. 
 
Ivan Aleksondrovich Khlestakov, a ne'er do well, 
 
 Thomas Achelis, 1908. 
 
 Christian Ivanovich Gibner, a district doctor, 
 
 Sidney Rollins Overall, 1908. 
 
 Fedor Andreevich Lulukov, 
 
 William DeForest Manice, 1911. 
 
 Ivan Lazarevich Rastakovski, 
 
 Hubert McDonnell, 1909. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich Korobkin, 
 
 Donald Wallace Porter, 1909. 
 (Retired functionaries, respected people in the city.) 
 
 Stepan Ilich Khovertov, Police Captain, 
 
 Edward Otis Proctor, 1909. 
 
 Svistunov, Sergeant of Police, 
 
 Loomis Havemeyer, 1910 S. 
 
 Derzhimorda, Sergeant of Police, Herbert Scott Snead. 
 
 Osip, Khlestakov's Valet, 
 
 Miles Carrington Hannah, 1909. 
 
 Mishka, the Prefect's Valet, 
 
 John Vincent McDonnell, 1911. 
 
 The Waiter of the Hotel, 
 
 Lindell Theodore Bates, 1910 S. 
 
 Abdulin, a Merchant, Walter Morgan Crunden, 1908. 
 
 Fevronya Petrovna Poshlepkina, a Locksmith's wife, 
 
 John Vincent McDonnell, 1911. 
 
The Military Sergeant's Widow, 
 
 Henry Theodore Fleitmann, ipop. 
 
 Guests of both sexes. 
 Tradesmen. 
 Citizens. 
 Petitioners. 
 
 The music is by the Yale Orchestra, under the direction 
 of George Ira Tompkins, 1908, of the Yale Music School. 
 
 Property Managers — Loomis Havemeyer, 19 10 S. ; Lin- 
 dell Theodore Bates, 1910 S. 
 
 Understudies — Henry Theodore Fleitmann, 1909; Wil- 
 liam DeForest Manice, 191 1. 
 
 Costume Committee — Sidney Rollins Overall, 1908 ; Don- 
 ald Wallace Porter, 1908. 
 
THE SCENES. 
 
 Act I. 
 
 A room in the house of the police prefect. 
 
 Act II. 
 
 A small, dark bedroom in the inn. 
 
 Act III. 
 
 The same as Act I. 
 
 Act IV. 
 
 The same as Act I. 
 
 Act V. 
 
 The same as Act I. 
 
 The action passes in the first half of the Nineteenth 
 Century. 
 
REVIZOR, 
 
 A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS. 
 
 ACT FIRST. 
 
 Scene — A room in the house of the police prefect. On 
 the right, near the front, a what-not with a few books, writ- 
 ing paper, ink, and pen; in about the middle of the wall, a 
 double door leading to the hallway and the street; a couple 
 of old pictures on this wall; a tall rubber plant in a wooden 
 pail in the right hand corner, back of a chair; in the back- 
 ground, two windows curtained and tied with a ribbon to 
 each side of the windozv casing; between the windows, a 
 sofa; over the sofa, a small picture of Nicholas I ; in the 
 left corner, an icon; in the left wall, two single doors, an 
 oblong mirror, a chair under it; in the middle of the room, 
 a good sized table; over the table, suspended from the ceil- 
 ing, an oil lamp with a large white shade, from which 
 crystals hang down; chairs everywhere. The furniture is 
 old-fashioned and well worn. 
 
 Time — Middle of forenoon. 
 
 Anton Antonovich, Artemi Filippovich, Luka 
 Lukich, Ammos Fedrovich, Stepan Ilich, Christian 
 Ivanovich, and two sergeants are in the room as the curtain 
 goes up. 
 
2 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I have invited you, gentlemen, to 
 tell you a very disagreeable piece of news. A revizor is 
 coming to inspect us. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. A revizor? What do you mean by 
 that? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Yes, what do you mean? A 
 revizor? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. An inspector from St. Peters- 
 burg. . . incognito . . . And what is still worse, with 
 secret orders ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. So that's what it has come to! 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. We were all right — and now 
 they're going to make it hot for us. 
 
 Luka Lukich. Great heavens! Secret orders! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. For some time I've had a pre- 
 sentiment that trouble was coming. This is a letter that I 
 received from Andrei Ivanovich Chmikhov, — Artemi Filip- 
 povich, you know him, don't you ? — here's what he says : 
 "My dear friend, godfather, and benefactor . . . [He 
 murmurs something while looking in the paper] and to 
 apprise you" — O, here it is ! "Among other things I hasten 
 to let you know that a functionary with secret orders is 
 coming to inspect all the governmental conditions of the 
 town, introducing himself as a private person. I have this 
 on the best authority. And as I know that, like the rest 
 of us, you have your faults — you are all right and nothing 
 slips through your ringers in the way of bribes." . . . H'm ! 
 That's a manner of speaking. . . . [He raises his fore- 
 finger very high.] Well, all of us are in the same boat — 
 it's all in the family — "So I advise you to take all possible 
 precautions, because he is apt to drop in on you at any 
 time, if he is not already in town, somewhere incognito. 
 
REVIZOR. 3 
 
 Yesterday I . . ." Then come family matters . . . "Sister 
 Anna Krilovna is visiting us with her husband. Ivan 
 Krilich has grown very fat and insists upon playing the 
 fiddle . . ." Such are the circumstances. 
 
 [Puts letter in envelope. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Yes, unusual circumstances, most 
 unusual. He's not coming just for the fun of it! 
 
 Luka Lukich. Why, Anton Antonovich, why all this? 
 Why this revizor? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why? Just our luck. [Sighs.] 
 Before, they examined other cities, thank God ; now, it is 
 our turn. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. I think, Anton Antonovich, that 
 there must be a hidden political purpose in it. I venture 
 to say that it means this. Russia, yes, Russia, wants to 
 start a war, and the Ministry, yes, the Ministry, sends a 
 functionary to see if there's any treason here. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Pooh, what an absurd idea! 
 You're a bright one ! Treason in a small town like this ? 
 It's not on the border line. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. No, you're wrong there, Anton 
 Antonovich ! The officials are sly fellows. They're not 
 taking any chances ! Even if we are far away, they're not 
 going to leave any stone unturned. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Have it any way you want to ! 
 He's coming anyhow ! I have warned you, gentlemen, look 
 out! In my own department I have made certain arrange- 
 ments. I advise you likewise to take the necessary pre- 
 cautions — especially you, Artemi Filippovich — without 
 doubt the visiting official will wish first of all to inspect 
 the charitable institutions under your jurisdiction. So fix 
 things to look respectable. Put clean nightcaps on the 
 patients, and while you're about it, wash them. 
 
4 REVIZOR. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Oh, they're all right, but I can 
 change the caps if you think it really necessary. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. You'd better. And over each bed 
 have a Latin text or a motto — "In God we trust" — but you 
 know what's suitable. Christian Ivanovich, work up your 
 charts, when the patient was taken sick, the day and month. 
 Don't let them smoke such rank tobacco. The Inspector 
 may object. It's strong enough to make one sneeze. And 
 don't have so many patients in the hospital — it makes the 
 doctor look overworked or incapable. And as for you, 
 Ammos Fedrovich, you'd better turn your attention to the 
 court house. The witness room looks like a barnyard. 
 Really it's not quite fitting for you to keep your geese there. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Well, if you think so, I'll have them 
 taken to the prisoner's kitchen at once. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. And as for the town politics and 
 what Andrei Ivanovich says in his letter — "you have your 
 faults" ... I simply don't know what he means. Of 
 course everyone has committed some indiscretion. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. But what do you call indiscretions? 
 There are indiscretions and indiscretions. For myself, I 
 tell everybody openly that I take bribes. Yes, but what 
 bribes ? Greyhound pups ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Pups are pups, and a bribe is a 
 bribe ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Not at all, Anton Antonovich. 
 Suppose, for example, that a man's fur coat costs five hun- 
 dred rubles, and his wife's flannel petticoat costs . . . 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, what has that to do with it, 
 if you are bribed with greyhound pups? Sh — [He stops 
 fight.] And you, Luka Lukich, as school supervisor, watch 
 the teachers! Of course I realize that they have a great 
 
REVIZOR. 5 
 
 deal of book learning, but — while I don't want to com- 
 plain — don't you think that they are too temperamental? 
 Your teacher of history, for instance — brilliant mind and 
 fine scholar, but certainly too energetic. I heard him once ! 
 Things were safe with Assyrians and Babylonians, but when 
 he got to Alexander the Great ... As I am a man and 
 a sinner, I didn't know what had happened. He rushed 
 down from the platform, seized a chair, and smashed it. 
 I'll admit that Alexander was a hero, but why smash chairs ? 
 The Czar loses by it. 
 
 Luka Lukich. I know, I know. I have mentioned it 
 to him. But what can you do? He's ready to die for 
 science. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. A noble soul! but the children's 
 lives . . . Ah, well, but details wouldn't matter much if 
 it weren't for that cursed spy incognito. If he should 
 pounce suddenly down upon me and say, "Who's the Judge, 
 Lyapkin Tyapkin? Let's have Lyapkin! And who's the 
 guardian of the charitable institutions, Zemlyaniko? Bring 
 in Zemlyaniko!" And then where would we be? 
 
 [Ivan Kuzmich enters from the door on the right. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Somewhat excited.] Gentlemen, say! 
 What about this official that's coming? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Don't you know? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski was just 
 now in my office. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, what do you think? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Think? It's war with Turkey. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Just what I said. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Idiots ! 
 
6 REVIZOR. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. War with Turkey, sure as I live! It's 
 all the Frenchmen's dirty work. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. War with Turkey, preposterous! 
 War with Turkey! If we went to war with Turkey, it's 
 not the Turks that would get the worst of it! I have it 
 on the most reliable authority ! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. If that's so, there'll be no war with 
 Turkey ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, anyhow, the revizor is com- 
 ing. How's your department, Ivan Kuzmich? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Mine? Same as yours, Anton Antono- 
 vich. [A shot. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Same as mine? Why I, I have 
 nothing to fear, although of course I cannot help feeling 
 a little uneasy. People are so malicious. The merchants 
 and citizens worry me a bit. They say I am hard on them. 
 But as I am a man and a sinner, if I ever took anything from 
 anyone, I meant it for the best. [Takes him by the arm and 
 leads him aside.] All the same, I think, I think that there 
 must have been some malicious complaints. Otherwise why 
 should the government send a revizor here? Now see 
 here, Ivan Kuzmich, don't you think for our mutual pro- 
 tection that you could manage just to peep into every letter 
 that goes through your office ? You can easily seal them up 
 again, or for that matter you can deliver them unsealed. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Oh, that's all right! You don't need 
 to teach me ! I've always done it, not as a precaution, but 
 by way of friendly interest in the community. I could just 
 die reading letters. I just love to know what's going on in 
 the world. There's so many things in them — and so edify- 
 ing — much better than the Moscow Gazette. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, then, have you seen any- 
 thing in them about an official from St. Petersburg ? 
 
Maxwell Oswald Parry, 1909, 
 as Anton Antonovich. 
 
REVIZOR. 7 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. No, not a word. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, if by any chance you should 
 find any complaint or denunciation against me — just sup- 
 press that letter. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. I understand. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Go easy or you'll get into trouble ! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Oh, goodness gracious me ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Not at all, not at all ! Of course, 
 if it came to be known publicly, it would be another matter ; 
 but this is all in the family. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Yes, it's all in the family. And 
 while I'm about it, I came here for the express purpose of 
 presenting you with a pup. A cousin of my pup! You've 
 heard about that law suit? Cheptovich and Varkhovinski. 
 But it really does not affect me. You see, I hunt hares 
 first on the estate of one and then of the other. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Good Lord, what do I care about 
 your hunts? All I can think about now is that cursed 
 incognito. I expect that door to open any moment and 
 suddenly . . . 
 
 [Bobchinski and Dobchinski both enter from the 
 street door and out of breath. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. What an extraordinary 
 occurrence ! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. What an unexpected 
 event ! 
 
 Everybody. What is it? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. A most unforeseen affair. 
 We came to the inn . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. [Interrupting.] Petr 
 Ivanovich and I came to the inn . . . 
 
8 REVIZOR. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. [Interrupting.] No, no, 
 no, Petr Ivanovich, I'll tell it. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. No, no, let me — you 
 won't get it straight. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. You'll forget half of it. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. Of course I won't. 
 Please let me start it. Please, gentlemen, don't let Petr 
 Ivanovich stop me. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. For heaven's sake, one of you 
 speak. What is it? My heart is in my mouth. Be seated, 
 gentlemen, be seated. Petr Ivanovich, here is a chair for 
 you. [All sit around the two Petr Ivanoviches.] Now, 
 then, what is it ? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. Let me, let me ! I'll tell 
 it all in order. As soon as I had the pleasure of leaving you, 
 right after you had permitted yourselves to be disturbed 
 by the letter you had received, I ran at once — please don't 
 stop me, Petr Ivanovich — I know what you would say. So 
 I, as you will please see, ran to Korobkin, but not finding 
 him at home I turned to Rastakabski, and not finding him 
 at home, I went to Ivan Kuzmich to inform him of the 
 news you had received, and as I was coming from there I 
 met Petr Ivanovich . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. [Interrupting.] By the 
 stand, where they sell tartlets . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. By the tartlet stand. 
 Yes ! Having met Petr Ivanovich I asked him, "Have you 
 heard the news Antonovich has received through a trust- 
 worthy letter?" But Petr Ivanovich had already heard it 
 from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who had been sent to 
 Filip Antonovich Puchechuev after something . . . and I 
 did not know what it was . . . 
 
REVIZOR. 9 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. [Interrupting.] A keg 
 of French brandy. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. [Warding off his hand.] 
 Yes, yes, a keg of French brandy. And so Petr Ivanovich 
 and myself went to Puchechuev . . . Now, Petr Ivano- 
 vich, do not interrupt me! . . . We went to Puchechuev, 
 and on the way Petr Ivanovich said to me, "Let us go," 
 said he, "to the inn. My stomach is empty. I haven't eaten 
 anything since morning. Why, my stomach is just wobbly. 
 They have just received fresh salmon, so we'll have a 
 lunch." But no sooner had we entered the inn, than a young 
 man . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Of good appearance, in 
 citizen's clothes . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. Yes, yes, of good appear- 
 ance — in citizen's clothes. He was walking up and down 
 the room and with such a look of deliberation on his face — 
 physiognomy — manner — and here, [Turning his hand near 
 his forehead.] very, very, very thoughtful. I had a kind 
 of presentiment and said to Petr Ivanovich, "There is some- 
 thing out of the way here!" Yes, and Petr Ivanovich 
 immediately crooked his finger and summoned the inn- 
 keeper, Vlas, — his wife gave birth to a child three weeks 
 ago, and such a bouncing boy; he'll be like his father, an 
 innkeeper — having called up Vlas, Petr Ivanovich asked 
 him quietly, "Who is this young man?" And Vlas 
 answered, "This," says he — oh, do not interrupt, Petr Ivan- 
 ovich, if you please, do not interrupt me ; you would not 
 be able to tell the story any better, so help me, you would 
 not. You lisp — you whistle when you talk. "This young 
 man," says he, "is an official." Yes, "he has come from St. 
 Petersburg," says he, "and his name," says he, "is Ivan 
 
I О REVIZOR. 
 
 Aleksondrovich Khlestakov, and he is on his way," says 
 he, "to the government of Saratov, and," says he, "he is 
 introducing himself in the strangest way. He has been liv- 
 ing here for nearly two weeks. He has not left the place 
 once. He charges everything and won't pay a kopeck." 
 When he told me this, it dawned upon me here above. 
 [Points to his head.] "Oho," said I to Petr Ivanovich . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. No, Petr Ivanovich, it 
 was I who said, "Oho !" 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. You said it first, and then 
 I said it. "Oho," said I and Petr Ivanovich. "And for 
 what reason is he staying here when he is on his way to 
 Saratov?" . . . Yes, he is the official. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Who? What official? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. The government inspec- 
 tor referred to in your letter — the revisor. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Terrified.'] As I am a man and 
 a sinner ! Don't say that ! He's not the revizor ! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. He — he don't pay his 
 bills and don't leave. Who else could it be ? His postchaise 
 is ordered for Saratov. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. He's the one all right! 
 You should have seen him. The way he pried into every- 
 thing. When he saw that I and Petr Ivanovich were eating 
 salmon — salmon for Petr Ivanovich's stomach — yes he even 
 came up behind us and peeked into our plates — I shook in 
 my shoes. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Oh Lord, have mercy upon us, 
 sinners ! What room has he there ? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Room number 5, at the 
 head of the staircase. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. The very room where 
 those officers had that fight! 
 
REVIZOR. 1 1 
 
 Anton Antonovich. And has he been here long? 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. About two weeks. He 
 arrived on the day of St. Basil of Egypt. 
 
 [Anton Antonovich betrays great agitation, 
 clutching his head and tearing his hair. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Well, Anton Antonovich, don't 
 you think that we had better don our uniforms and pay a 
 formal call on him at the inn? 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. No, no! First send the Mayor, 
 the clergy, and a delegation of the merchants. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Looks down a bit.] No, no, let 
 me do this. I have been in a worse fix than this in my life 
 before and gotten out, and the joke was on the other fellow. 
 May God help me now! [Turning to Petr Ivanovich 
 Bobchinski.] You say that he's a young man? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. Yes, a young man of 
 twenty-three or twenty-four — not much over. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. So much the better. A young 
 fellow is easy. It's the old fool that's hard to deal with. 
 You gentlemen, you had better look after your affairs. I'll 
 see about him. I'll go myself, or perhaps with Petr Ivano- 
 vich, down to the inn, casually, as though for a walk, in my 
 official capacity to investigate the welfare of the travelers. 
 Hei, Svistunov! 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Let's go, Ammos Fedrovich. It's 
 better for us to be somewhere else. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. What have you to be afraid of? 
 Put clean nightcaps on and you are all right. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Nightcaps! The patients are 
 supposed to have gruel, and all over the hospital there's 
 
1 2 REVIZOR. 
 
 a smell of cabbage strong enough to knock you down. 
 Nightcaps ! 
 
 [Ammos Fedrovich, Artemi Filippovich, Luka 
 Lukich, and Ivan Kuzmich go out through the 
 street door, and in the doorway bump against the 
 returning sergeant. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Is my droshki at the door? 
 
 Svistunov. Yes, sir! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Go on duty. Or no, wait! Go 
 and fetch — where are the others ? Are you all alone here ? 
 I will order Prokhorob to be here. Where is Prokhorob? 
 Where is the Chief of Police? 
 
 Svistunov. In the station house, but unfit for duty. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. What do you mean? 
 
 Svistunov. Brought in this morning — more dead than 
 alive — two buckets of water — not sobered up yet. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Clutching his head.] My God! 
 On duty! No, run into my room, do you hear, and get 
 my sword and hat. Well, Petr Ivanovich, let's go. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. I'd like to peep through 
 the keyhole to see what he'll do. 
 
 [Svistunov returns with hat, box, and sword, and 
 puts both on table — the hat back of the box. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Taking the sword to the ser- 
 geant.] Run at once. Get policemen, let each take one — 
 take — damn! how my sword is — let every man (the devil 
 take them) take a broom and sweep a street — especially 
 sweep the street in front of the inn clean. Do you hear? 
 And listen, you ! I know you ! You're too popular ! You're 
 
REVIZOR. 13 
 
 stealing right and left. Look out. You're taking more 
 than a petty officer's share! Go! [He goes out through 
 the street door. Enter Stepan Ilich.] Now, listen, 
 Stepan Ilich, the revizor from St. Petersburg has come. 
 What have you done? 
 
 Stepan Ilich. Just as you ordered. I have sent Ser- 
 geant Pugovichyn with the whole force to clean up the 
 sidewalks. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Where did you send Derzhi- 
 morda ? 
 
 Stepan Ilich. To the fire department. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Is Prokhorov drunk? 
 
 Stepan Ilich. Drunk! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why did you permit it? 
 
 Stepan Ilich. God knows. There was a fight on the 
 outskirts of the town yesterday. He went there to restore 
 order, and he came back drunk. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Listen! Order Sergeant Pugo- 
 vichyn — he is a big man — to stand on duty on the bridge 
 for the sake of appearances. Oh, good heavens, I forgot! 
 There are about forty carts of rubbish by that bridge. What 
 a filthy town this is! They will dump all their rubbish 
 there. [Sighs.] And if the revizor should ask them if they 
 are satisfied with the government service, they must answer, 
 " Satisfied with everything, your honor." And if there is 
 anybody that isn't satisfied, I will make it mighty hot for 
 him afterwards. Oh Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable 
 offenders! If I can only carry this off, I will put such a 
 candle on the altar as has never been seen before. I'll 
 make every one of those rascally merchants give up three 
 pounds of wax for it. Oh Lord, oh Lord! Now let us 
 go, Petr Ivanovich. [He takes the box in place of his hat.] 
 
14 REVIZOR. 
 
 And if be should ask why the church, for which subscrip- 
 tions have been collected for the last five years, has not 
 been built, remember that it "burned down." I reported 
 it. Still, some thoughtless ass might tell him that it had 
 never been begun. Let's go, let's go, Petr Ivanovich. 
 [Starts to go, but comes back.] And don't let those beastly 
 soldiers loose with nothing on but trousers. For God's 
 sake see that they are decently dressed ! [Goes and returns. 
 
 Stepan Ilich. Here is your hat. 
 
 Anton Antonovtch. [Instead of hat, he starts to put 
 on paper box.] Damn! 
 
 [All go out through the door on the right. 
 
 Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna run in from 
 the first door on the left. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Where have they gone? Oh dear, 
 oh dear. [Opening the door.] Husband! Anton! Anton! 
 [Speaks quickly to her daughter.] It's all your fault. 
 You're always to blame. Why did you take so long to 
 dress? [Runs to the window and shouts.] Anton! Where 
 are you going? Has he come? The revizor? Has he got 
 a mustache? 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. Be back soon. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Soon ! — Keep us waiting ! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. What else can we do, mama? 
 We'll know all about it in an hour or two. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. In an hour or two! Avdotya, 
 you're just too mean ! I believe you know all about it any- 
 how. There they go — run and find out who he is. — Has 
 he got any money ? — has he got black eyes ? Peep through 
 
REVIZOR. 15 
 
 the keyhole. Find out what you can and come right back. 
 Nobody but a mother knows what it means to have a new 
 man in town ! 
 
 [She shouts until the curtain drops; the curtain 
 hides them both while standing at the window. 
 
 End of First Act. 
 
ACT SECOND. 
 
 Scene — A small, dark room in the inn. On the left, on 
 the floor near the front, a couple of white, round, empty 
 bottles, a pair of boots and leather overshoes, a red blouse 
 or two; from the left corner, extending into the background 
 and a little off the floor, a semiwinding staircase rises into 
 the ceiling; close to the staircase, along side of the back- 
 ground, a large chemodan, a large leather bag with a box- 
 like shape bottom. Osip's coat and cap on it; over the 
 chemodan, a few plain iron nails; in about the middle of 
 the background, a small door, poorly fastened; in the 
 right wall, a small window, a table under it,, and a chair 
 nearby; another chair; upon the table, a clothes brush, 
 matches, ashes, two black earthenware pots, one small and 
 one large; a tumbler in a saucer, a small, deep saucer, extra; 
 a brass candlestick, green with wear; a narrow, wooden 
 bed, near the front on the right, with head close to the wall, 
 a square pillow, and the necessary bedclothes on it. 
 
 Time — Early in the afternoon. The room is dark. 
 
 Discovered — Osip is lying on his master's bed, as the 
 curtain goes up. 
 
 Osip. To the devil with it! I'm so hungry! My 
 stomach! We'll never get home — second month since St. 
 Petersburg. Ivan Aleksondrovich — what a fool! Gambled 
 away his money, and now just sits and waits. Why don't he 
 stay in his postchaise? But, no, he must show his face in 
 every town. [Mocks him.] "Ei, Osip, get me a better room, 
 
REVIZOR. 1 7 
 
 and order a good dinner. I can't stand poor cooking. I 
 must have things decently served." I wouldn't mind so 
 much if he was only somebody; but he's nobody — only a 
 spendthrift — makes friends with travelers, plays cards with 
 'em — and then the fool loses. Some days we stuff, some 
 days we starve — we're starving now. And it's all his fault. 
 What can I do? His old man sends him money — he rides, 
 goes to the theatre, and in less than a week I have to sell his 
 new suit to the old clothes man. Oh, I'm so tired of such 
 a life. Why the deuce don't he brace up? If his old man 
 only knew how he was wasting his time at cards he would 
 give him such a licking that he'd remember it. Now, the 
 innkeeper said he wouldn't give him anything to eat till 
 he pays. Oh, if I could only have some cabbage soup ! 
 
 [He hurriedly gets up from the bed. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Here, take it. [He hands him 
 the cap and cane.] Scoundrel, you've been on my bed again. 
 
 Osip. I haven't been on your bed. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. You lie. You slept on it. Is 
 there any tobacco there ? 
 
 Osip. Of course not. You smoked the last of it four 
 days ago. 
 
 [Putting the things away.] 
 
 [Walking up and down the 
 
 [Walking around and warily 
 twisting his lips; then speaking in a loud and resolute voice.] 
 
 Ivan 
 
 Aleksondrovich. 
 
 Look here, Osip. 
 
 Osip. 
 
 Sir? 
 
 Ivan 
 
 Aleksondrovich. 
 
 room.] 
 
 You go down . . 
 
 Osip. 
 
 Where ? 
 
 Ivan 
 
 Aleksondrovich. 
 
1 8 reviz6r. 
 
 Down stairs to the buffet. Tell them they should send me 
 up dinner. 
 
 Osip. I won't go. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [In a loud, but not as resolute 
 a voice.] How dare you, you blockhead ! 
 
 Osip. All right, all right. Anyway, if I should go, it's 
 no use. The innkeeper said he wouldn't send up any more 
 dinners. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. He wouldn't dare not to. What 
 a bluff! 
 
 Osip. He even said that he would complain to the 
 police. You haven't paid your bill for over three weeks. 
 "You and your master are dead beats" — these are his very 
 words — "You and your master are dead beats, and I've seen 
 that kind before." 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. You needn't repeat it, fool. 
 
 Osip. And, what's more, he said he wasn't going to 
 stand it any longer. "I'll report him to the police" — these 
 are his very words — "and I'll have him arrested; and I'll 
 have him locked up in jail." 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. That will do for you. You go 
 and tell him ... 
 
 Osip. Call him up here. You can talk to him. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I? I don't want to see him. 
 You go and tell him . . . 
 
 Osip. But surely, sir . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Well, go call the landlord. 
 [Osip goes out] Beastly hungry! Took a short walk — 
 hoped to lose my appetite. Didn't! What's the use of 
 an appetite — with no credit? 
 
 Osip and the Waiter enter. 
 
Thomas Achelis, 190S, 
 as Ivan Aleksondrovick. 
 
REVIZOR. 19 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Ah! Here's the waiter? And 
 how are things coming to-day? Well? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, sir, thank you, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. And everything all right in the 
 hotel? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, sir, thank you, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Hotel full? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, sir, thank you, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. By the way, there seems to be 
 some delay about my dinner. Would you mind asking them 
 to hurry it up a bit? You see, I have an engagement right 
 after dinner. 
 
 Waiter. But the boss, he said you couldn't have no din- 
 ner; he'd a strong mind to get the police. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But what good would that do? 
 Just stop and think. I must eat, mustn't I? If I don't 
 eat, I die. He wouldn't like that! And I'm very hungry 
 now. 
 
 Waiter. Well, the boss, he said, "He don't get no more 
 dinners until I see his money." That's what the boss said. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But, you reason with him. Use 
 a little tact. Tact ! 
 
 Waiter. Use what, sir? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Tact. Tell him that I simply 
 must eat. Money is a secondary consideration. Maybe he 
 can go without eating. I cannot ! Tell him that. 
 
 Waiter. Just as you say, sir ! Just as you say. [Exit. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Lord, what a hole if the dinner 
 doesn't come ! What shall I do ? Sell my clothes ? Damned 
 if I will! I must have decent clothes. A fellow can't 
 travel on his face. I wish Yokhim had let me have his 
 carriage. Great thing to go home in a gay turnout — 
 with lanterns, and Osip in livery. Oh, I'm so hungry ! 
 
2 О REVIZOR. 
 
 Osip enters and then Waiter. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Well? 
 
 Osip. It's coming! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Dinner! dinner! dinner! 
 
 Waiter. [With plates and napkins on a Japanese tray.] 
 The boss, he says this is the last time. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Oh, that landlord! I'm tired 
 of him ! He makes too much fuss ! 
 
 Waiter. Soup and roast. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Only two courses ? 
 
 Waiter. That's all the boss sent. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. How absurd! I can't under- 
 stand it at all. Ask him what he means by such nonsense. 
 This isn't enough ! 
 
 Waiter. Well, the boss, he said it's too much ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But the salad and the dessert? 
 
 Waiter. Ain't no salad nor dessert! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What nonsense! I saw plenty 
 in the dining room. 
 
 Waiter. Well, you see sir, it's this way : there is plenty, 
 and then again there ain't. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What do you mean? 
 
 Waiter. In your case, there ain't ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Where's the fish and entree? 
 
 Waiter. You don't get no fish and entry. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Stupid! 
 
 Waiter. Yes, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Other people have the table 
 d'hote. Why not I ? 
 
 Waiter. They pay. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Perfectly disgusting soup! 
 
 [He tastes it. 
 
REVIZOR. 2 1 
 
 Waiter. Chicken soup, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Chicken soup ! That soup never 
 saw a chicken ! Bring me an order of . . . 
 
 Waiter. The boss, he said, if you didn't like it you 
 didn't have to eat it. [Wants to take the soup back. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Holding on to soup.] Wait 
 a minute, wait a minute. [Tastes it again.] This is too 
 disgusting. Here Osip, you can have it. Give me the 
 roast. [He tries to cut it.] This isn't a roast! 
 
 Waiter. What is it, then ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Heaven only knows, but it 
 isn't a roast. Nothing else? 
 
 Waiter. No. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Idiots ! Nothing fit to eat. The 
 way they rob a fellow. Hungry as ever. [Osip goes out.] 
 Nothing to eat ! No credit ! No money ! 
 
 Osip enters. 
 
 Osip. The police prefect is downstairs. He wants to see 
 you. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. The police! It's all up! The 
 rascal was in a devilish hurry with his complaint ! I simply 
 will not go to jail! What does he take me for? A tramp? 
 [He musters up courage and straightens out.] Whatever 
 happens, I'll look him straight in the eye, and I'll say, "How 
 dare you, how . . ." 
 
 [The door knob is heard turning; he grows pale 
 and shrivels up a little. 
 
 Enter Anton Antonovich and Petr Ivanovich Dob- 
 chinski, who is nearly all the time behind the Police 
 
22 REVIZOR. 
 
 Prefect. Anton Antonovich, having entered, remains 
 still. Both, frightened, look a few minutes at each other 
 with bulging eyes. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Having come to himself a little, 
 he assumes the posture of attention.'] Good afternoon, sir. 
 
 [Osip gets out of the way, quietly. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Bowing.'] My compliments. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I beg your pardon . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Quite unnecessary, sir. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. As police prefect, it is my duty 
 to look after the welfare of the guests of this . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Stammering a little at first, but 
 at the end of his remark, speaking loud and clear.] I'll 
 pay all right. I can't help it! It isn't my fault anyhow. 
 [Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski looks in through the opening 
 of the door.] It's all the landlord's fault! He gives me 
 the worst meat you ever saw, and the soup — the devil only 
 knows what's in that soup. I had to throw it out. He's 
 been starving me for days. I'm not to blame! It's too 
 absurd ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Timidly.] I beg your pardon. 
 I surely am not to blame. I always see that there is good 
 meat in the market. The Kholmogorski cattle dealers 
 usually bring good meat. They are honorable and well- 
 behaved people. I really do not see where the landlord gets 
 poor meat! If you are not comfortable here, I'll take 
 you . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. No, no, I don't want you to! 
 I know what that means! What right have you to take 
 me to jail? How dare you? I ... I am in the official 
 
 
REVIZOR. 23 
 
 service in St. Petersburg. [He grows more courageous.] 
 I ... I ... I .. . 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Aside.] We're undone. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. You and yours can do what 
 you please . . . I'll not go! What do you mean by this 
 msolence? What do you mean by it! I'll report you to 
 the ministry. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Aside.] Have mercy upon me! 
 Don't ruin me. Remember my wife and children. Don't 
 ruin me, for God's sake! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What has that to do with me? 
 Because you have a wife and children must I go to jail? 
 It's too absurd. [Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski looks in 
 through the door opening, mid being frightened, hides 
 himself.] No, thanking you very much, I must regret! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. It's not my fault, it's not my fault. 
 A prefect's salary — what can you do with that? If I did 
 take bribes, what were they ? Nothing ! — stuff for the table, 
 cloth for a uniform. As for that sergeant's widow, I never 
 flogged her ! That's all gossip ! Some enemy told you that ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What are you talking about? 
 I don't give a hang for your enemies or your sergeant's 
 widow. But you can't flog me! You'd better not try it! 
 Who are you anyhow ? I'll pay all right, but I haven't any 
 money just now. But it's on the way. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Aside.] What a hole I'm in! 
 [A light breaks in upon him from Ivan Aleksondrovich's 
 last words. Attempting to bribe him.] Money? If it's a 
 question of money, I am at your service, sir. My pleasant- 
 est duty is to help out in occasions of this kind. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Money! You'll lend me some? 
 Then I can pay the landlord at once. I only want two 
 hundred rubles — or even less. 
 
24 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Handing him bills.] Just two 
 hundred rubles. [Putting up purse.] [Aside.] The 
 money's well spent. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Accepting the money.] This 
 is very good of you ! As soon as I get home, I'll send you 
 the money. I am very particular about such things. This 
 is really very good of you. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Assuming an air of confidence 
 in himself.] I am only too glad of the opportunity. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Ei, Osip! Call that waiter. 
 [To Anton Antonovich and Petr Ivanovich Dobchin- 
 ski.] Won't you sit down, gentlemen? Take a chair. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Don't bother. Don't bother. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Do sit down. At first I didn't 
 realize that you came to pay a friendly call. I must con- 
 fess, I thought that you'd come to take me . . . [To 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski.] Won't you take a chair? 
 
 [Both sit down. Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski 
 sticks his head in through the opening of the door 
 and listens. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Getting friendly.] You must 
 know, sir, that I, representing the government, and Petr 
 Ivanovich Dobchinski, a representative citizen, determined 
 to investigate the inn to see how visitors are treated. Most 
 prefects don't trouble about such matters. But I, like a 
 good Christian, take a friendly interest in the neighborhood. 
 And this is my reward — such a pleasant chance acquaint- 
 ance. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. The pleasure is mine, I assure 
 you. Without your aid I am afraid that I should have 
 tarried here quite a little while. 
 
REVIZOR. 25 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Aloud.] But, may I ask where 
 you go from here? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. To my home in Saratov. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Aside, with an ironical expres- 
 sion on his face.] Saratov! He confesses it! [Aloud.] 
 In the government service, I presume? Д noble career. 
 And quite a traveler. Such an opportunity for a young 
 man ! Traveling for your own pleasure ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. No, I'm bound for Saratov. 
 My father sent for me. He thought I wasn't getting on 
 fast enough in St. Petersburg. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Are you staying in Saratov long? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Can't say. My father is getting 
 old and obstinate. I shall tell him frankly that I will not 
 waste my life in a little hole in the country. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Quite right! The country's no 
 place for a young man nowadays. Here there are none of 
 the comforts of a city. You must find this inn very 
 unpleasant. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Horrid room! Horrid bed! 
 Visitors last night! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Just to think of it ! And the room 
 not well-lighted either ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. And the fool landlord won't 
 give me any candles. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. If only I dared suggest it . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Yes? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. No, no, I am afraid that you 
 would misconstrue it. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Why, what is it? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. No, I am not worthy of the honor. 
 But there is such a splendid room up at my house, light, 
 
2 6 REVIZOR. 
 
 warm, cosy . . . No, I realize that this is too much to 
 ask ! Please don't be offended at such presumption. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. On the contrary, I accept with 
 a great deal of pleasure. It will be much more agreeable 
 in a private house. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. You don't know how happy 
 you've made me. And my wife — wait until you see my 
 wife! The deepest feelings of my heart are touched. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. This is very kind of you. 
 
 Enter Osip, accompanied by the Waiter. Petr Ivano- 
 vich Bobchinski looks in at the door. 
 
 Waiter. You wanted to speak to me, sir ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Bring me my bill. 
 
 Waiter. You've been getting bills every day. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I threw them in the waste- 
 basket. What's the account ? 
 
 Waiter. You paid for one lunch and one dinner. After 
 that you said, "Charge it!" 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Idiot! How much do I owe ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I am sorry for this annoyance. 
 There is no hurry. [To the Waiter.] Don't bother the 
 gentleman. His credit's good. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Well, just as you say. I put 
 myself entirely in your hands. 
 
 [Puts the money back. The Waiter leaves. Petr 
 Ivanovich Bobchinski looks in at the door. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Now wouldn't you like to inspect 
 some of our philanthropic institutions — the hospital, for 
 instance ? 
 
REVIZOR. 27 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What is there to see ? 
 Anton Antonovich. You will be interested in seeing 
 how it is managed. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. All right, if you wish it. 
 
 [Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski shoves his head in 
 at the door. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. And then, if you like, we can 
 visit the school of applied sciences. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. With pleasure, if you insist. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. And after that — I know you will 
 enjoy it — I'll take you to the county jail. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Jail! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. The prisoners are so well treated. 
 We'll be glad to have you. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Thanks awfully, but suppose 
 we take in the other things. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Just as you wish. Do you prefer 
 your own carriage, or will you come with me in my 
 droshki. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Perhaps I'd better go with you. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To Petr Ivanovich Dobchin- 
 skl] Petr Ivanovich! Well, there won't be any room for 
 you. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Don't mind me; I'll be 
 all right. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To Petr Ivanovich Dobchin- 
 ski.] Run as fast as you can. Deliver a couple of notes 
 for me, one to Artemi Filippovich in his office, the other 
 to my wife. [To Ivan Aleksondrovich.] I trust you'll 
 pardon me if I write a line to my wife to prepare her for 
 the reception of our honored guest. 
 4 
 
28 reviz6r. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Certainly. You'll find pen and 
 ink on the table. Damn it, where's the paper? [Taking 
 from wastebasket.] Will this bill do? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Yes, that's all right. [He takes 
 the bill and writes, speaking to himself at the same time.] 
 We'll see how things go after lunch. We'll have native 
 Madeira. It's not much to look at, but it'll make any man 
 drunk. 
 
 [Having written the notes, he hands them to Petr 
 Ivanovich Dobchinski, who walks up to the door. 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski falls into the room. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To Ivan Aleksondrovich.] 
 Don't mind him. Won't you be so kind . . . I'll tell your 
 valet to bring your things up to my house. [To Osip.] 
 My dear fellow, bring everything up to my house, to the 
 police prefect's — anyone will tell you where I live. Will 
 you be so kind . . . [He lets Ivan Aleksondrovich pass 
 first, he goes after him, but having turned around he 
 reproachfully says to Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski:] Why 
 the devil did you come in here? If you had to fall down 
 here, why couldn't you go somewhere else? 
 
 [He goes out; Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski goes 
 
 out after him. 
 
 End of Second Act. 
 
ACT THIRD 
 
 Scene — The same as in Act I. The windows are open 
 a little way. 
 
 Time — About sunset. 
 
 Discovered — Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna 
 are standing in the same position as at the end of 
 Act I, as the curtain goes up. Marya Antonovna goes up 
 to the looking glass. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Three mortal hours and no news! 
 For mercy's sake stop fussing with your dress. You make 
 me nervous. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Going to the window. ] Avdotya 
 must be back soon. [Hairpins in her mouth. She looks 
 out of the window and shouts.] Oh, mother, mother, quick ! 
 Somebody's coming! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Who? Where? You're always 
 seeing things. Why, bless my soul! A little man in a 
 long coat. О dear, О dear! [Trying to adjust her eye- 
 glasses which are tangled in a knot.] Who is it? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. It's Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski, 
 mother. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Dobchinski, nonsense ! You're 
 crazy. It isn't Dobchinski at all! [Waves her handker- 
 chief.] Say, you! Come here, quick! Where are they? 
 Has my husband seen him? Is he a nice man? Answer, 
 
ЗО REVIZOR. 
 
 can't you? [Getting away from the window a bit, and with 
 anger.] The mean old thing! Always stands on ceremony. 
 Slow as a snail ! 
 
 Enter Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski, having passed the 
 windows, from the door on the right, and later Mishka. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Well, well, well, what's the news? 
 Why don't you say something? Nobody ever tells me any- 
 thing ! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Just a moment, just a 
 moment, Anna Andreevna. Indeed, indeed, I am so out of 
 breath . . . Why, it's all I can do to get my breath! I 
 ran to see you just as fast as my legs would carry me. [Sees 
 Marya Antonovna.] Ah, Marya Antonovna, how is the 
 young lady this afternoon ? Need I ask? Fresh as a daisy. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Very . . . 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [To Marya Antonovna.] You're 
 nothing of the sort ! Do give your elders a chance to speak ! 
 [To Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski.] Now tell me about it. 
 What's he like? Who was there? Is he a general? Does 
 he wax his mustache? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Here's a note from 
 Anton Antonovich. [Hands her the note. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [Taking the note, but not reading 
 it.] I wonder what he's said! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Not a general, exactly, 
 but so refined and with such elegant manners. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Gracious me ! He must be the man 
 they wrote my husband about. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. The very same man. 
 And I was the first one to recognize him — with Petr 
 Ivanovich. 
 
REVIZOR. 3 1 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Well, then, tell me, what's it all 
 about ? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. The Lord be praised, 
 everything went off very well. At first he was very stern 
 with Antonovich, yes, he was very angry; he said that 
 everything was very bad at that hotel, and that he would 
 not come to the house at all; and that he wouldn't go to 
 jail on account of your husband. But later, when he was 
 convinced of Anton Antonovich's innocence, after a heart 
 to heart talk, he changed his mind, thank the Lord, and 
 everything went off well. Now they have gone on a tour 
 of inspection. I tell you, there were times when Anton 
 Antonovich was awfully frightened; I must confess that 
 I was a bit scared myself. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. You, what have you to be afraid 
 of? You're not in the service. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Yes, that's true, too. 
 Still a man feels a kind of awe when a grandee speaks. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Nonsense, what's that got to do with 
 it? Come to the point! Is he good looking? Is he old, 
 or young? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Young, a very young 
 man, not over twenty-three, but he speaks like a man of 
 experience. "Since you will have it so," he said, "I will 
 go here or there . . ." [He swings his arms.] And he 
 said it so nicely, too ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Dark, or light? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Why, I shouldn't exactly 
 like to say which. Some might say one thing, some might 
 say the other. His hair is ... a little bit red. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Stupid! [Sees note in hand.] Oh, 
 the note! [Reads.] "I hasten to inform you, my dear, that 
 
32 reviz6r. 
 
 my prospects were very dark, but trusting in a kind Provi- 
 dence for two extra dill pickles and a portion of caviar — 
 one ruble and twenty-five kopecks . . ." [She stops.] 
 What does this mean ? What does he mean by dill pickles ? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Oh, he had to write on 
 an old bill. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [Grunts and continues to read.] 
 ". . . but trusting in a kind Providence, everything will 
 come out all right. The revizor is coming to stay with us. 
 Get the spare room ready and have a good meal. Have 
 Abdulin send up some of that native Madeira. I'll make 
 it hot for him if he don't. Kissing, my dear, your little 
 hand, I remain, Your loving [turns the page] lobster, one 
 ruble ! . . . Glory be ! . . . Mishka ! 
 
 [She runs to the door and shouts. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Mishka, Mishka, Mishka ! 
 
 Mishka enters from the first door on the right. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [To Mishka.] Mishka, take this 
 note — no, wait, give it to Sidor. Tell him to run to 
 Abdulin's for wine. You stay here and get the room ready. 
 Sheets, towels, soap . . . [She counts off on her fingers.] 
 Light the lamp here . . . 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Well, now Anna 
 Andreevna, I'll run along and see how he's inspecting up 
 there. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Go right along! I'm not keeping 
 you! 
 
REVIZOR. S3 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [To Marya Antonovna.] Oh, my 
 dear, we must get dressed. The revizor is coming to visit 
 us! Dear me! Those city men are so finicky! 
 
 [Exeunt Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna. 
 
 Osip enters through the front door with a chemodan 
 on his head. 
 
 Osip. Where shall I put this? 
 Mishka. Put it in there. 
 
 [Pointing towards Ivan Aleksondrovich's room. 
 
 Osip. Too heavy! Won't go a step further. Not a 
 step further. Must rest a moment. All worn out. 
 
 Mishka. Say, when's the general coming? 
 
 Osip. General? What general? 
 
 Mishka. Your master. 
 
 Osip. My master, he ain't no general. 
 
 Mishka. Not a general ! 
 
 Osip. Well, not exactly, but — generals ain't in it with 
 him! 
 
 Mishka. What is he, then? Bigger than a general? 
 
 Osip. Bigger ! 
 
 Mishka. Then that's why I had to get out the purple 
 blanket with the blue border! 
 
 Osip. And suppose you get me something to eat. 
 
 Mishka. O, there's nothing ready for you folks yet. 
 Only common victuals ! But just wait awhile. You'll see! 
 
 Osip. Can't wait. What's you got now? 
 
 Mishka. Nothing but sour cabbage soup. 
 
 Osip. Gimme some. 
 
34 REVIZOR. 
 
 Mishka. Take this out first. 
 Osip. Give us a lift. 
 
 [Both carry the chemodan into the side room. 
 
 The police sergeants open both sides of the door. Enter 
 in succession: Ivan Aleksondrovich, feeling good, 
 Anton Antonovich, Artemi Filippovich, Luka Lukich, 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski, and Petr Ivanovich Bob- 
 chinski. The latter wears a piece of surgeon's plaster on 
 his nose. Anton Antonovich points out to the sergeants 
 the piece of paper on the floor; both run to pick it up, 
 rashly pushing one another. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. . . . wonderful institutions. 
 Jolly good idea, this, of showing people around. In other 
 cities, officials no account. Didn't show me a single, 
 solitary thing. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Winks to the sergeants to get 
 out; they go.] In other cities, I dare say, the city officials 
 think only of themselves ; here we think only of our duty. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. That lunch was great. Do you 
 lunch like that every day? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. It was prepared expressly for 
 [The others signal to him not to give the plot away.] . . . 
 for a chance visitor like yourself. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Epicurus was right. One lives 
 to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was the name of 
 that fish? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [Running up to Ivan Alekson- 
 drovich.] The very best pickled octopus. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Wonderful fish! And where 
 did we have that sumptuous repast? In the morgue? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. No, sir, in the hospital. 
 
REVIZOR. 35 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. To be sure. — Disinfectants! — 
 But the patients, did they all get well? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. All except ten. Due to the 
 wonderful treatment and system. Since I have been in 
 charge, they never tarry here very long. Trust me, I see to 
 that. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. The planning of this superb 
 system is due to the brain work of the chief of police. Any 
 other prefect — well, we won't go into that — but, even when 
 I'm in bed, it keeps me awake contriving how to impress 
 my superior officers. Not that I am looking for honors 
 at all, — they're nothing in themselves, — only I do like to be 
 appreciated. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [An ironical wink aside.] Anton 
 Antonovich, we all know your worth! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Beautifully put! I am a bit 
 of a philosopher myself. Sometimes I do it in poetry; 
 sometimes in prose. Speaking of diversions, where's the 
 club here ? Do you play cards ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Gambling! Clubs! No such 
 place in town ! Never touched a card in my life ! 
 
 Luka Lukich. [To the man next to him.] He did me 
 out of a hundred last night. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. My precious time belongs to my 
 country. 
 
 Anna Andreevna in the straw colored dress, and Marya 
 Antonovna in the figured dress, enter front the first door 
 on the left. All rise from their seats and remain standing 
 until asked to sit down by Ivan Aleksondrovich. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To Ivan Aleksondrovich.] 
 May I take the liberty of introducing my family? My 
 wife . . . my daughter . . . 
 
Зб reviz6r. 
 
 [All bow. Ivan Aleksondrovich shakes hands with 
 the ladies. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I am extremely glad, ladies, to 
 have this opportunity of meeting you. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. The pleasure is all ours, I assure 
 you. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Pardon me, madam, if I con- 
 tradict you. My pleasure is infinite. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. So good of you to say so, but 
 really it is too much. Won't you have a chair ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Great pleasure even to be 
 standing near you. But since you insist . . . [Anna 
 Andreevna sits down on the sofa, he near her.] It gives 
 me great pleasure to sit so near you. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Oh, you can't mean it! . . . It 
 must be very stupid for you here, after St. Petersburg 
 society. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Perfectly deadly. In St. 
 Petersburg, we live; comprenez-vous? But this evening 
 [He throws glances at Anna Andreevna and shows off.] 
 rewards me for all I have suffered. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. You flatter me. We country 
 folks . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But the country is charming — 
 little hills, little streams, little birds, — but it isn't St. Peters- 
 burg. That's the place for me. On the best of terms with 
 everybody — dine every Sunday with my chief — only one 
 in the department that gets asked. And when I go into 
 the office, you ought to see those clerks stand around. The 
 guard salutes me on the stairs with, "Can't I shine your 
 shoes" ... [To Anton Antonovich and the others.] 
 Sit down, gentlemen. Make yourselves comfortable. 
 
Matthew Griswold Ely, 1910S. 
 as Anna Andreevna. 
 
REVIZOR. 37 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Not for a moment. ] [All at 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. We'll stand. V the same 
 
 Luka Lukich. I never sit down. \ time. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Please don't stand on cere- 
 mony. [Anton Antonovich and the rest sit down.] On 
 the contrary, I wish to forget my rank and travel incognito. 
 But such is fame. They always find me out ! They nudge 
 one another and whisper, "That is Ivan Aleksondrovich." 
 Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief; the 
 soldiers ran out of the guardhouse and saluted me. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Not really ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. And the actresses I know ! and 
 the authors! Even the great Pushkin and I are chums. 
 I often used to say to him, "Well, Pushkin, dear fellow, 
 how are things?" "Oh, so-so, old boy," he would say to 
 me . . . He was a genius. But I'm something of a 
 writer myself. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. An author! How delightful! Do 
 you write for the papers? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. All of them — little things — Le 
 Manage de Figaro, Fra Diavolo, or Norma — written on 
 the spur of the moment, just to please the managers. Of 
 course I don't want it known, but Voltaire is my пот de 
 plume. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Do tell ! And you are Voltaire ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Yes, I live for my art. At my 
 salons in St. Petersburg one meets all the literary lions 
 of the day. [Facing everybody.] Drop in, when you're in 
 town. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. I'd just love to ! Such elegance ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Don't mention it! You should 
 just see my dinners. Watermelon — seven hundred rubles! 
 
38 REVIZOR. 
 
 Soup expressed from Paris! Oh, the smell of it! ~You 
 can smell it down five flights of stairs ... Of course, 
 figuratively speaking, as you must know, I live on the first 
 floor. My morning levees are jammed with all the nobility- 
 buzzing like bees. Even the Minister of the Interior is 
 there! [Anton Antonovich and the rest get up very 
 timidly from their seats.] When Petrovich was bombed — 
 of course I didn't want his place, but what was I to do? 
 Princes, generals, counts, they all threw it over. It was 
 too much for them. I took it. They insisted. I was in 
 my bathrobe, but I was afraid that it would reach the 
 Czar. So I said: "If it is your will, gentlemen, I accept 
 this duty; so be it, I accept. But remember, if I under- 
 take it, no fooling. I have a very sharp eye." Oh, Гт 
 a human earthquake! [Anton Antonovich and all pres- 
 ent shake from fear. Ivan Aleksondrovich continues 
 with increased fervor.] I don't stand for half measures. 
 Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me. But I'm not 
 afraid of the devil himself. So they promote me every 
 day. I'm sure of my position . . . 
 
 [He slips off his seat almost onto the floor, but the 
 functionaries help him with great reverence. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Shaking with his whole body, 
 goes up to Ivan Aleksondrovich. He tries to speak. 
 Stammers. ] 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [In a quick, abrupt voice.] 
 What's the matter with you? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Still stammers.] 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [In the same voice as before.] 
 Are you drunk? 
 
REVIZOR. 39 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Agitated. Still stammers.] 
 Y-o-u-r E-x-c-e-1-l-e-n-c-y ! Will you not rest? Every- 
 thing is ready. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Nonsense, rest! all right, all 
 right, rest! Gentlemen, the lunch was bully. [Declaim- 
 ing.] Oh, those toothsome octopoi! 
 
 [Goes into the room on the side, the police prefect — 
 Anton Antonovich — after him. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. [To Petr Ivanovich 
 Dobchinski.] A man, Petr Ivanovich! He's what I call 
 a man ! Never before have I seen such a great man. I 
 nearly died of fear. What do you think is his rank, Petr 
 Ivanovich ? 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. I think he must be some- 
 thing like a general. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. Generals aren't in it with 
 him. At the very least he belongs to the generality. Even 
 the Imperial Council are afraid of him ! Ammos Fedrovich 
 and Korobkin should know of this. Good-bye, Anna 
 Andreevna. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. Good-bye, godmother. 
 
 [Both go out through the street door. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [To Luka Lukich.] Isn't it 
 awful ? We aren't even in our uniforms ! Suppose he com- 
 plains to St. Petersburg! [They walk out thoughtfully, 
 saying:] Good-bye, madam. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Isn't he a nice man ? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Charming! 
 
40 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Such refined manners — really a man 
 of the world — so genteel and all that. Isn't he grand! I 
 adore people like him. And I made a big impression on 
 him, too. He didn't take his eyes off me once. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, mother, how can you say 
 that? It was me he was looking at. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Have it your own way, but . . . 
 [Anton Antonovich comes back from the first door on 
 the left. Enters on tip-toe.] Sh-Sh- [To Anton Anton- 
 ovich.] Well? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I wish I hadn't given him so much 
 to drink. Well, a man speaks the truth when he's drunk. 
 Even if it's only half true, what a hole we're in ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. I wasn't afraid of him. I was 
 brought up in polite society. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. But you were entirely too familiar 
 with him, my dear ; you treated him like Petr Ivanovich. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Don't let that trouble you [Look- 
 ing at Marya Antonovna.] We know a thing or two. 
 
 [Looks at her daughter. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Oh, you don't understand ! What 
 have I been through ! [Opens the door and speaks through 
 it.] Mishka, call sergeants Svistunov and Derzhimorda. 
 [After a short pause.] Things are coming round all right, 
 after all. At the end I didn't know where I stood with his 
 yarns and his allegories. But I got him, and he's drunk, 
 and in my bed! 
 
 Osip comes in from the second door on the left. All 
 run towards him, beckoning with their fingers. 
 
REVIZOR. 41 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Come here, my dear fellow. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Hush. — Is he asleep? 
 
 Osip. Not yet. Bilious. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. What's your name ? 
 
 Osip. Osip, thank you. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To his wife and daughter.] 
 Stop a minute. Let me talk to him. [To Osip.] Did you 
 get enough to eat? 
 
 Osip. Lots ! Full to here. 
 
 [Shows with hand that they filled him up to his nose. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Now tell me, does your master 
 know all the nobility? 
 
 Osip. [Scratches back of his head for loss of what to 
 answer; finally:] Not quite all. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Osip, I think your master is 
 awfully handsome. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. What's your master's title. 
 
 Osip. The usual title. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Rubbish. [To Osip.] You 
 listen to me! Your master's very severe, isn't he? 
 
 Osip. Very. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. You're a good fellow. When one 
 travels, tea never does any one any harm. [He hands him 
 two bills.] Here's some change for tea. 
 
 Osip. [Accepting the money.] Thank you, sir. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Don't mention it. It's nothing at 
 all. And now tell me . . . 
 
 Anna Andreevna. What are your master's favorite 
 eyes? 
 
42 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Provoked.] Now stop it! Give 
 me a chance! [To Osip.] Now tell me, how can we best 
 please your master? 
 
 Osip. Plenty to eat and plenty to drink. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Lots of good things, eh? 
 
 Osip. Yes, lots of good things. And he wants me 
 treated right, too. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Now you're talking! That other 
 money was for tea; this . . . [Gives him more money.] 
 is for sugar. 
 
 Osip. Thank you, sir. I'll drink your health. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Heaven forbid! You'll wake 
 him! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Come Marya, I have a secret to 
 tell you. 
 
 [Marya Antonovna and Anna Andreevna go out 
 through the first door on the left. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To his wife and daughter.] 
 Secrets! As if I wanted to know! [To Osip.] Now see 
 here . . . 
 
 Svistunov and Derzhimorda enter through 
 the street door. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [To the sergeants,] Sh-sh! 
 Quiet ! He's asleep. What the devil do you want ? 
 
 Derzhimorda. You ordered me to come! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Sh-sh! [Puts his hand on the 
 sergeant's mouth.] Donkey! Why can't you keep still? 
 [To Osip.] When your master wakes, we're at his service. 
 
REVIZOR. 43 
 
 [Osip goes into his masters room.] Stay by the front door. 
 Don't leave it for a second. Don't admit anyone, partic- 
 ularly tradesmen. And if anyone of them looks as if 
 he had a petition, dissuade him. [He goes through the 
 form of kicking.] Sh-sh- ! 
 
 [He goes out the front door on his tip-toes, after the 
 sergeants. 
 
 End of Third Act. 
 
ACT FOURTH. 
 
 Scene — The same room as in Act I. 
 
 Time — Middle of the forenoon, two days later. 
 
 Enter quietly, almost on tip-toe: Ammos Fedrovich, 
 Artemi Filippovich, Ivan Kuzmich, Luka Lukich, Petr 
 Ivanovich Bobchinski, and Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. 
 The whole scene is spoken in an undertone. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Forming them into a semicircle.'] 
 Sh- ! Attention ! May the Lord be with us ! He knows the 
 Czar! He belongs to the Imperial Council! You, Petr 
 Ivanovich, come here ; you, Petr Ivanovich, go there. 
 
 [Both Petr Ivanoviches run to their places on 
 tip-toe. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Ammos Fedrovich, we must do 
 something. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Something? What? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. You know what I mean! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Bribe? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Bribe ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Criminally liable. Remember, he is 
 an official. I have it! We'll all subscribe to a national 
 monument — and give him the subscription. 
 
 
REVIZOR. 45 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Or we can pretend it's money lost in 
 the mail. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. No, you can't do that in a well- 
 regulated government. We can't do it all together. One 
 by one. Well, you begin. [Ammos Fedrovich L. C. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. No, you must approach our 
 honored visitor first. He had lunch in your institution. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. No, Luka Lukich is the man, our 
 distinguished superintendent. 
 
 Luka Lukich. No, I cannot, I cannot, gentlemen. I 
 am so nervous. — In the presence of my superiors, I 
 completely collapse. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Under the circumstances, [To 
 Ammos Fedrovich] there's no one better than yourself. 
 You are so eloquent — a real Cicero. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. A Cicero! This is too much. Of 
 course I may wax eloquent over greyhound pups, but . . . 
 
 All Present. [Catching hold of him.] Ammos Fedro- 
 vich, don't desert us ! Save us ! Save us ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Release me, gentlemen. 
 
 [At this time are heard footsteps and slight cough- 
 ing front Ivan Aleksondrovich's room. Vying 
 with one another, they all run to the street door. In 
 trying to get out, they crowd themselves together, 
 and squeeze one of them pretty hard. Subdued 
 shrieks are heard. Several more subdued shrieks 
 are heard; all go out; the stage remains empty 
 for a second. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich enters from his room. He looks 
 sleepy. He stretches himself, yawns, and acts as one with 
 a big head caused by a night's spree. Ammos Fedrovich 
 comes in from the door on the right, beholds Ivan Alek- 
 sondrovich, and begins to shake at the knees, when Ivan 
 Aleksondrovich sees him. 
 
46 REVIZOR. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [In pose of attention, holding on 
 to his sword, in agitated voice.] I have the honor to intro- 
 duce myself; I am the judge of this county, the Collegiate 
 Assessor, Ammos Fedrovich Laypkin-Tyapkin. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Won't you take a chair? The 
 local judge, did you say? 
 
 [Both sit down facing each other. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Reciting, as though prepared by 
 heart.] In 1816, I was appointed for three years at the 
 request of the nobility, and have continued in my duties 
 to this day. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. To be a judge must be profit- 
 able, I should think. [Ammos Fedrovich, growing more 
 nervous because of pulling his hand full of bills out of his 
 pocket.] What have you got there? 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Losing himself almost completely, 
 drops a bill on the floor.] Nothing. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But you dropped a bill! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Shivering zvith his zvhole body.] 
 Impossible ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Picking up the money.] But 
 you did, too ! It's money. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Aside, while he is picking it up.] 
 Criminally liable ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. If it would be no inconvenience, 
 might I borrow it? 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Surely, surely, with the greatest 
 of pleasure ! [He grows a little bolder. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. You see, I have spent every 
 kopek — here and there. But I shall surely return it to you 
 just as soon as I get home. 
 
Charles Roberts Hopkins, 1907 
 as Aminos Fedrovich. 
 
reviz6r. 47 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Not at all, not at all. We under- 
 stand each other. I consider it an honor . . . Indeed, 
 although my abilities are limited, still with my ardor and 
 devotion to the authorities . . . [He gets up from the chair 
 and assumes a pose of attention.] But I dare not disturb 
 you with my presence any longer. What are your ordei s ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Orders? What orders? 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Why, have you no orders for the 
 local courts? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What for? I have no use 
 for the courts just now. No, no orders. All the same, 
 I shall not forget your kindness. 
 
 [Ammos Fedrovich bows and goes out feeling very 
 triumphant. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich enters from the door on the right; wears 
 uniform and assumes attention upon entering. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. I have the honor to introduce myself. 
 I am the Postmaster, the Aulic Councillor, Ivan Kuzmich 
 Shpekin. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Glad to see you. Sit down. 
 You're a resident of this city, aren't you ? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Yes, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Fine town. Not many people 
 about. But well, it's not the capital. Am I right? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Quite right. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Looks into Ivan Kuzmich's 
 eyes, sizing him up for a loan.] Funny thing happened. 
 I've spent every single kopek. Could you possibly lend me 
 three hundred rubles? 
 
48 REVIZOR. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. I am honored. [Takes out a pocket- 
 book with money, giving.] I am only too glad to be of 
 service. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. So good of you. Hard to be 
 without money when traveling. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Yes, sir. [Gets up, assumes attention.] 
 I will not disturb you any longer. Have you any sugges- 
 tions concerning the postofnce? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I have done all that's necessary. 
 
 [Ivan Kuzmich bows and goes out. Ivan Alek- 
 sondrovich looks at the money — pleasingly smiles 
 and pockets it. 
 
 Luka Lukich enters from the right as though he were 
 pushed in; when the door opens, a voice is heard saying, 
 "Cheer up." 
 
 Luka Lukich. Permit me to introduce myself. I am 
 the superintendent of the schools, the Titular Councillor 
 Khlopov, Luka Lukich. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. How are you ? Extremely glad 
 to see you. Won't you sit down. [Luka Lukich sits 
 down. Ivan Aleksondrovich treats him to a cigar, but 
 he is reluctant in accepting.] Won't you have a cigar? 
 [Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar at the wrong end, 
 still shivering.] You'd better try the other end! [Luka 
 Lukich is so nervous now that he drops the cigar on the 
 floor, and hesitates whether to pick it up or not.] You don't 
 seem to be much of a smoker. 
 
 Luka Lukich. [Stretching the words.] Courage — all 
 gone. — Your High — your Exc — your Illust — 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Courage? Nonsense! Brace 
 up! We shall be great friends. — What was your name? 
 
REVIZOR. 49 
 
 Luka Lukich. Luka Lukich, Luka Lukich. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. To be sure, Luka Lukich. 
 Always did like that name ! Lots of little Luka's I suppose? 
 
 Luka Lukich. Only five, but two are grown up. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Two grown up — just to think 
 of it. What do you call the little ones ? 
 
 Luka Lukich. Nikolai, Ivan, Elizabeth, Mary, and 
 Perepetya. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Indeed. 
 
 Luka Lukich. [Getting up.] I will not presume to 
 trouble you any longer. Your time is precious. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Don't go. It couldn't be spent 
 to better advantage. Your conversation is so entertaining. 
 What did you say that your name was ? 
 
 Luka Lukich. Luka Lukich. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Luka Lukich, would you do me 
 a favor ? Between friends, I am a bit short of funds. Lend 
 me four hundred rubles — 
 
 Luka Lukich. Four hundred rubles ! I haven't 
 got it ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Well, then, a hundred will do. 
 
 Luka Lukich. [Searching his pockets.] But Гѵе only 
 got forty! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Look again ! Look in your 
 inside pocket. 
 
 Luka Lukich. But I haven't any more ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Well, let it go. No matter. 
 Forty is better than nothing. 
 
 [He gives him the money and he accepts it. 
 
 Luka Lukich. Guess I'll go now. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Most agreeable call ! 
 
5 О REVIZOR. 
 
 [Goes out through the door on the right. Ivan 
 Aleksondrovich escorts him. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Ivan Aleksondrovich, when 
 alone, begins to count his money. He develops a smile of 
 satisfaction according to the increase in the sum. Having 
 pocketed the money, he calls Osip.] Osip, bring me pen 
 and ink. I want to write a letter. [Sits down at the table. 
 
 Osip. [In the doorway.] Yes, sir. 
 
 [Osip comes in from the second door on the left. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Laughing and whistling until 
 Osip comes in with the paper and the ink.] You see, stupid, 
 it's come out all right. 
 
 Osip. Yes, thank the Lord ! But don't you know, Ivan 
 Aleksondrovich . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Know what? 
 
 Osip. You'd better leave town before it's too late ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [While writing.] Nonsense! 
 Why? 
 
 Osip. Just so. You've had your little fling. Why risk 
 it any longer ? Something's sure to happen. Let's go while 
 we can. Fine horses here. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What's the hurry? We'll go 
 to-morrow. 
 
 Osip. To-morrow? Now! They've taken you for 
 somebody else! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I know it. 
 
 Osip. And you're late now! What will your father 
 say ? We can get fast horses here and be home in no time. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. All right, I'll go. Mail this 
 letter and order the horses. But get good ones! [Still 
 
 
REVIZOR. 5 I 
 
 writing.] Tryapichkin will just die of laughing when he 
 gets this letter ! 
 
 Osip. Sir, I'll send the letter to the post to save time, 
 and pack up. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Very well. Bring me a candle. 
 
 Osip. [Osip goes out through the second door on the 
 right. He leaves the door open, talks back of stage. ,] Say, 
 take this letter to the post. No stamps — government busi- 
 ness. And order up a team . . . fastest horses. My 
 master pays no post fare. He's in the government service. 
 [Short pause.] Wait a minute. 
 
 [Comes back with a lighted candle, and goes up to 
 his master. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Sealing the letter.] I wonder 
 what's his address. He'd rather move than pay his rent. 
 Oh, I'll try Pochtamskaya. 
 
 [He seals the letter with sealing-wax; then writes 
 the address. Noise is heard outside the house. 
 
 Derzhimorda's voice. Where are you going, "Whisk- 
 ers" ? Against orders ! Can't let you in ! 
 
 Tradesmen's voices. Let us in. You can't keep us 
 out. We're here on business. 
 
 Derzhimorda's voice. Get away. Get away, I tell you. 
 He won't see you. He's asleep. 
 
 [The noise becomes louder. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What's the matter there, Osip? 
 Look out of the window. 
 
 Osip. [Looking through the window.] Tradesmen try- 
 ing to get into the house. 
 
52 REVIZOR. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Tell them I'm busy. 
 
 Osip. They've got petitions and all kinds of presents 
 for you. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Going to the door on the 
 right.] Presents! Let them in. Let them in. [To Osip, 
 handing hint the letter.] I shall graciously accept their 
 presents. You go mail that letter. 
 
 [Osip goes out through the second door on the left. 
 
 The sergeants enter with their presents and petitions. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Takes the petitions, opens 
 one, and reads:] "To His Honorability of the Highness, 
 the minister to the Financial, from the merchant Abdulin 
 ..." Where the devil did he get that title . . . 
 
 [He continues reading, under his breath. 
 
 Marya Antonovna enters from the first door on the left. 
 She wears a different dress and a hand-knitted shawl over 
 her shoulders. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Somewhat frightened.] Oh! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I beg your pardon? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Bashfully.] I didn't expect to 
 find you here. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. No? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. I thought mama was here. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But won't I do? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, I don't want to disturb you. 
 Aren't you busy with something important? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Showing off.] You disturb 
 me? Ah no! You can make me very happy. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, that's how they talk in St. 
 Petersburg. 
 
REVIZOR. 53 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But only to . . . you! May 
 I offer you a chair ? By rights, you should have a throne. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Really, I ... I wonder where 
 mama can be. [Marya sits down. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Sitting down next to her.] 
 What a beautiful scarf. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. You're making fun of me. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. That scarf! So close about 
 your little neck ! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. I don't understand. What queer 
 weather we're having to-day. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What is the weather to me? 
 My sunshine is in your smile! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Now you stop ! Will you write 
 a verse in my album? It will help me to remember you. 
 You must know lots of verses. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. For you I'll do anything. Ask 
 for any verse you like. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, . . . something good ! Some- 
 thing new ! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But I know so many! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Tell the one you will write. I'd 
 love to hear it. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. How about this one? [Recites 
 with a great deal of manner.] "Why do the heathen rage 
 and the people imagine a vain thing?" How's that? I'd 
 much rather tell you how I love you. 
 
 [He moves up his chair. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Love, I do not understand love. 
 
 [Marya Antonovna moves her chair away. 
 
54 REVIZOR. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Don't do that. It's so much 
 pleasanter side by side. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Still moving away.] I think it's 
 very pleasant over here. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Moving up to her.] Exactly ! 
 Over here! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Again moving away.] I'd rather 
 you'd stayed over there! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Moving up to her.] Really? 
 Then let's pretend that I am — over there. Ah, if I could 
 only — ! [Bending over her.] 
 
 Marya Antonovna. [Getting up to look out of the 
 window.] Oh, what was it that flew by the window ? Was 
 it a crow ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [At her side. Kissing her on 
 the shoulder, looks out of the window.] A crow ! 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, Ivan Aleksondrovich! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I couldn't help it! Honestly. 
 Please forgive me. I love you so, I — 
 
 Marya Antonovna. What do you take me for? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. It was out of love for you, 
 truly. Out of love . . . Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. 
 [Falls on his knees.] I ask you on my knees. 
 
 Anna Andreevna, in a new dress, enters from the 
 first room on the left. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Well, of all the . . . ! 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. The devil! 
 Anna Andreevna. What does this mean, young lady. 
 What kind of behavior is this ? 
 Marya Antonovna. Oh, mama, . . . I . . . ! 
 

 Arthur Mowry Hartwell, 191 i, 
 as Marya Antonovna. 
 
JREVIZOR. 55 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [Pointing to the first room on the 
 left.] Off to your room. And don't you come out again. 
 [Marya Antonovna goes to her room in tears.] Pardon 
 me, but I was so surprised . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [Drops on his knees.] Don't 
 you see, dear lady, that I'm in love ? In love ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. On your knees again! Get up! 
 I am afraid the floor is awfully dusty. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. No ! On my knees ! By all 
 means, on my knees ! I want to hear my sentence. Is it 
 life, or is it death? 
 
 Anna Andreevna. I am afraid I don't quite understand 
 what you mean. Do I gather that you are declaring your 
 love for my daughter? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. No, I'm in love with you. My 
 life hangs by a hair. If you will not love me, I am not 
 worthy to live. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Sir! I am a respectable married 
 woman. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. By Jove! That's so! 
 
 Enter Marya Antonovna. 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Well, of all the . . . ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Well, what do you want? 
 
 Marya Antonovna. Really, mama, I don't know . . . 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Anna Andreevna, be calm, 
 perfectly calm. Bless us ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. So she's the one. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Decide! Life or death! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [To Marya Antonovna.] You 
 little idiot ! Our guest on his knees, and then you come ! 
 
5 6 REVIZOR. 
 
 You deserve not to have my consent. You don't deserve 
 any such good luck. 
 
 Anton Antonovich enters from the street 
 door, excitedly. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Your Excellency, have mercy on 
 me. Do not ruin me! 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What's the matter with you? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. The tradesmen's petition ... I 
 assure you upon my honor, there isn't a word of truth in 
 what they say. They're all cheats themselves. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. I've got something else to think 
 about now. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Liars! Not even a child would 
 believe them. Everybody knows they're liars ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Hush ! Do you know the honor that 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich has paid us ? He has just asked 
 for our daughter's hand. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. What? You're crazy! [Го Ivan 
 Aleksondrovich.] Please, your Excellency, don't blame 
 her! She's a little . . . ahem. [Tapping his forehead.] 
 It runs in her family. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. But it's true. I do ask for your 
 daughter's hand. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Your Excellency! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Can't you believe what you're told? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. It's no joke at all. I'm simply 
 crazy, I love your daughter so. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I cannot believe it! I do not 
 deserve such an honor. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. If you will consent to let me 
 have your daughter's hand, I am ready to do . . . anything ! 
 
REVIZOR. 5 7 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I cannot believe it. You're jok- 
 ing, your Excellency. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Oh, what a ninny you are! How 
 often do you have to be told a thing? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I cannot believe it. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Give me your daughter. 
 G-i-v-e m-e y-o-u-r d-a-u-g-h-t-e-r. I am desperate. I am 
 likely to do something rash. At any moment. If I shoot 
 myself, you'll be responsible. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. All right! All right! Do as you 
 like! She's mine — I mean she's yours . . . for better or 
 for worse . . . That is, I don't know what I mean. 
 I • • • 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Aren't you going to bless them ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why certainly. [Anton Anton- 
 ovich joins their hands.] May God bless you, my children. 
 
 [Ivan Aleksondrovich kisses Makya Antonovna. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Hello ! They are kissing each 
 other. Kissing! Marya engaged to Ivan Aleksondrovich! 
 That's the way to talk — that's the way. 
 
 Enter Osip. 
 
 Osip. The carriage is ready, sir. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. What? Oh, very well. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why, are you going? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Er . . . yes. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. And when, that is . . . didn't you 
 say something about a wedding ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Yes. Yes, of course. I'm only 
 going for a day to my rich old uncle. I'll be back 
 to-morrow. 
 
58 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Pleasant journey and safe return. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. [To Marya Antonovna.] 
 Good-bye, my darling. Ah, I cannot express what's in my 
 heart. Good-bye, my love. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Have you everything you need 
 for the journey? Didn't you say you were short of money? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Oh, no! no, no! [On second 
 thought.] Well, if you can spare it. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. How much do you want? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. You gave me two hundred 
 before. No, not two hundred, but four hundred. That's 
 right, isn't it? Give me the same now and it will make 
 an even eight hundred. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Very well. As if on purpose — 
 all new bills. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Ah, first class. They say new 
 bills bring new luck. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. That's true, too. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich. Good-bye. Much obliged for 
 your hospitality. Good-bye, Anna Andreevna. Good-bye, 
 my love. 
 
 [Ivan Aleksondrovich goes out the front door, 
 escorted by all. Osip shoves himself out somehow. 
 The door remains wide open. The rest of the 
 scene takes place back of the stage. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Good-bye, my angel, 
 good-bye. 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. How's that? Going in a 
 postchaise ? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Oh, yes, I'm used to it. 
 
 Driver's voice. Whoa! 
 
REVIZOR. 59 
 
 i 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. At least put a blanket on 
 the seat. I'll have one brought. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Oh, no, I couldn't think 
 of it. [On second thought.] Still, it wouldn't do any harm. 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. Hey! Fetch the purple 
 blanket with the blue border. 
 
 Driver's voice. Whoa ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. When may we expect you 
 back? 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Oh, to-morrow — or the 
 day after. 
 
 Osip's voice. Put the blanket here. -Some hay for my 
 seat, too. 
 
 Driver's voice. Whoa! 
 
 Osip's voice. Little more. There, that's right. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Good-bye, Antonovich. 
 
 Anton Antonovich's voice. Good-bye, your Excel- 
 lency. 
 
 Women's voices. Good-bye, Ivan Aleksondrovich. 
 
 Ivan Aleksondrovich's voice. Good-bye, darling. 
 
 Driver's voice. Giddap, birdies ! 
 
 End of Fourth Act. 
 
ACT FIFTH. 
 
 Scene — The same as in Act I. 
 
 Time — Late in the afternoon of the same day as Act IV. 
 
 Discovered — Anton Antonovich, Anna Andreevna, 
 and Marya Antonovna are in the room as the curtain goes 
 up. Sergeant Karpovich enters soon, through the front 
 door. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, Anna Andreevna? Ah! 
 Our little Marya ! Just think of it ! What a rich prize she 
 captured! Confess how you never even dreamt that you, 
 as the wife of a common or garden prefect — that you'd be 
 related to such a man ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Not at all — I knew it right along. 
 It surprises you because you have never even seen people 
 in really smart society. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I guess I can hold up my end all 
 right, my dear. But things are moving just a little, aren't 
 they? Won't I get square with two or three of my good 
 friends ! Oh, won't I ! Where shall we live now, here or 
 in St. Petersburg? 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Oh, in St. Petersburg, of course. 
 How could we stay here? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. St. Petersburg it is, then ! I think 
 I'll give up my prefecture. What do you think, Anna 
 Andreevna ? 
 
 
reviz6r. 6 1 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Why certainly! What good will a 
 prefecture do you now ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. No good at all! Me a prefect! 
 Me! Why, do you know that this new son-in-law is friend 
 to all the ministers ? That he visits the Czar ? Well, I think 
 I see my son-in-law's father-in-law waking up some line 
 morning in a general's uniform. Eh? 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Of course you will. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. A general! Why not a knight, 
 eh? Dining with the governor, while the prefect does 
 guard duty. [Breaks into loud laughter with a wink in his 
 left eye.] How's that, old lady? 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Just remember that your taste in 
 your acquaintances is so dreadfully vulgar ! When I think 
 of you going about poisoning rabbits with the game warden ! 
 When I think of Zemlyanika! Horrors! From now on 
 your friends must be people of rank, as befits our position. 
 Our house in St. Petersburg must simply dazzle. [She 
 closes her eyes.] Ah ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Entering, but still in the doorway.] 
 Can I believe the good news, Anton Antonovich ? 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich and Artemi Filippovich enter. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Let me congratulate you on your 
 good fortune. I was very glad to hear it. [Shakes hands 
 with Anna Andreevna.] Hearty congratulations, Anna 
 Andreevna. [Shakes hands with Marya Antonovna.] 
 My best wishes, Marya Antonovna. 
 
 Ivan Lazarevich. [Entering, shakes hands with all in 
 turn.] Anton Antonovich, I congratulate you. A long life 
 and a happy one ; the same for the new couple ; may your 
 
6 2 REVIZOR. 
 
 posterity be numerous, — grandchildren and great-grand- 
 children. [To Anna Andreevna.] Congratulations, Anna 
 Andreevna. [To Marya Antonovna.] Hearty congratu- 
 lations, Marya Antonovna. 
 
 Enter Luka Lukich and his wife, who runs 
 in front of him. 
 
 Luka Lukich's wife. I congratulate you, Anna 
 Andreevna! [Kisses her.] Oh, oh, I am so glad. So 
 glad ! They told me : "Anna Andreevna is marrying off her 
 daughter — " "Oh, goodness gracious !" thought I, and was 
 so glad that I said to my husband : "Listen, Luka ; this is a 
 great future for Anna Andreevna. I am so tickled that 
 I am burning to congratulate Anna Andreevna in person. 
 Anna Andreevna expected a particularly good match for 
 her daughter, and now everything came out just as she 
 wanted." Honestly, I was so glad I cried for joy. And 
 Luka Lukich asked: "What are you sobbing for, Nas- 
 tenka?" — "Luka Lukich," I said, "I don't myself know 
 why, but the tears are just rolling down in streams." 
 
 [Someone is heard entering the front hall. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Come in ! 
 
 Sergeant Karpovich enters. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Oh, it is you, Ivan Karpovich. 
 Call the tradesmen ! I'll show those rascals how to complain 
 against me ! I have been lenient with them as compared to 
 what I am going to be. Note everyone who came to com- 
 plain against me, and do not forget the scribblers who wrote 
 

 REVIZOR. 63 
 
 the complaints for them. And make it known to them, 
 that, in spite of their complaints against me, the inspector 
 will honor the prefect by marrying his daughter. Make it 
 known everywhere, to everybody. Let the bells ring and 
 announce the prefect's triumph ! 
 
 [The sergeant goes out through the front door. 
 
 [Stepan Ilich and the sergeants enter from the 
 right. 
 
 Stepan Ilich. Allow me to congratulate you, Your 
 Honor, and to wish you a long life and prosperity! 
 
 [Mishka brings in more chairs. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Thank you, thank you! Ladies 
 and gentlemen, please sit down. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. But tell me, please, Anton Antono- 
 vich, how did it all come about — I mean the engagement ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Oh, in the most unusual manner; 
 it pleased him to propose to her. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [Interrupting.} In the most elegant 
 way imaginable ! He spoke so unusually nicely. He is such 
 a grand, educated man — such an honorable man. He said : 
 "Believe me, Anna Andreevna, my life is not worth 
 anything; I do this out of respect to your own rare 
 qualities !" 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Well, if you don't like that one, I 
 may sell you another. 
 
 [Enter Stepan Ivanovich and his wife, Petr Ivanovich 
 Bobchinski, Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski and several 
 
64 REVIZOR. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich's wife. Oh, you cannot imagine, 
 Anna Andreevna, how glad I am that it so happened. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. Where is the eminent guest now? 
 I heard he left to attend to some of his important business. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I believe you, my boy! Import- 
 ant? Well, rather! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. He went to get his uncle's blessing. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. To obtain his uncle's consent; but 
 to-morrow . . . [He sneezes. The congratulations — "God 
 bless you" — pour out in a chorus.'] Many thanks — he will 
 surely be back to-morrow. 
 
 [He sneezes again; a volley of greetings drowns 
 all other talk. 
 
 Stepan Ilich. Our best wishes, Your Honor ! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. I wish you a long life 
 and loads of gold. 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Dobchinski. May you live forever ! 
 
 Anna Andreevna. We intend to live in St. Petersburg, 
 of course. Here, I must confess, the atmosphere is too 
 bourgeois! Oh, very unpleasant! — My husband will be 
 promoted to the rank of general. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Well, I wouldn't object seriously. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [To Anton Antonovich.] 
 Don't forget us, when you get to be a general. 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Don't forget me when you shake 
 the plums from the plum tree. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. I'm going to take my boy to 
 the capital, next year, and have him enlist in the service 
 of the state. If only you would be a father to him ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. I'll do my level best. 
 
 

 
 REVIZOR. 65 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Oh, you are always ready to prom- 
 ise, Anton. You won't have time to think about such things. 
 How can you tie your hands with such promises ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why not, my dear? Sometimes 
 it is possible. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. Of course, but you can't be good 
 to a lot of nobodies ! 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich's wife. Did you hear what she 
 called us? 
 
 A Guest. She was always like that. Give her a chance 
 and she'll . . . 
 
 The tradesmen enter from the door on the right. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Hello, you vultures ! You . . . 
 
 The Tradesmen. [Bowing low.] The Lord bless you, 
 sir! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Banteringly at first.] Well, how 
 goes it? Are the people as easy a mark as ever? [Satiri- 
 cally.] I suppose you thought I was in jail by this time. 
 [Venomously.] Now you rascals, deceivers, arch-cheats, 
 now I'll show you how to complain against me. Now I'll 
 set seven devils and a witch against you, d . 
 
 Anna Andreevna. [Interrupting.] Oh, what language. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Angrily, to his wife.] My lan- 
 guage is all right. [To the tradesmen.] Do you know that 
 that same officer to whom you have complained is going to 
 marry my daughter ? Now I'll go for you, you impostors ! 
 You think because you can sell sixteen samovars a day, you 
 are somebody. I'll prove to you that your airs don't amount 
 to a hill of beans! 
 
 The Second Tradesman. [Bowing low.] We are 
 guilty, Anton Antonovich; the devil tempted us. We 
 
66 REVIZOR. 
 
 will never do it again. Ask for any reparation, only do not 
 get angry. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. "Do not get angry." Now you 
 are at my feet, why? Because I won out; but if I hadn't 
 won, you would have downed me. 
 
 The Tradesmen. [Bowing low, together.] We beseech 
 you, Anton Antonovich, do not ruin us ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. "Do not ruin us." "Do not ruin 
 us." But what did you say to the inspector? Oh, I would 
 just like . . . [He waves his hand.] Well, may God for- 
 give you ! I am not rancorous ; but take care ! I am going 
 to marry off my daughter, and not to a poor nobleman, 
 either. Remember the occasion, do you understand? You 
 must do a little more than bring a sturgeon or a cone of 
 sugar. 
 
 [Ivan Kuzmich runs in through the front door, all out 
 of breath, with an open letter in his hand. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Ladies ! Gentlemen ! A most surpris- 
 ing piece of news ! The functionary, whom we have all 
 taken for the Czar's inspector, was not an inspector at all. 
 
 Everybody on the stage. How is that? How do you 
 know? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. He was no inspector ; I know it from 
 this letter. [He shows the letter. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. What are you talking about? 
 From what letter? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. From his own letter. The letter was 
 brought to me in the post office. I looked at the address 
 and I saw: "Pockramskaya."* I nearly dropped dead. 
 
 * "Pockramskaya" means "Post Office Street," and as a rule, 
 officials of the department live there. 
 

 
 
REVIZOR. 67 
 
 "Well," thought I, "surely he has found irregularities in 
 the post office and is informing the authorities." I opened it 
 immediately. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Why did you do that? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. I do not know: a supernatural power 
 possessed me. I had already summoned a special messenger 
 to send the letter away, but my curiosity got the better of 
 me as never before. I could not stop it; I simply could 
 not. I was hypnotized ! It seemed to me that I heard with 
 one ear a supernatural command : "Open it ! You are lost 
 anyway" ; and in the other, the devil whispered : "Open 
 it! Open it!" and as I touched the sealing wax my blood 
 got on fire ; but when I opened it, it froze stiff — upon my 
 word, it froze stiff. And my hands began to shake, and 
 I became confused. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. But how did you dare to open the 
 letter of such an official? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. That's just the point, he is not an 
 official. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Then what is he? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. A nothing. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Vehemently.] What do you 
 mean by "a nothing?" How dare you call him "a nothing?" 
 I put you under arrest . . . 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Who? You? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Yes, I! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. You are not big enough ! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Are you aware of the fact that 
 he is going to marry my daughter, that I myself am going 
 to be a grandee, that I could nail you up in Siberia ? 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Oh, Anton Antonovich, what are you 
 talking about Siberia? Siberia is far off. I'd better read 
 
68 REVIZOR. 
 
 the letter for you. Ladies and gentlemen, will you permit 
 me to read the letter ? 
 
 Everybody on the stage. Read it, read it. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Reads.] "I hasten to inform you, my 
 dear Tryapichkin, about the wonderful things that have 
 happened to me since I left you. On the road, an infantry 
 captain cheated me out of the last kopek I had, so that 
 the innkeeper was ready to put me in jail ; but unexpectedly, 
 probably on account of my St. Petersburg physiognomy and 
 clothes, the whole town mistook me for the Czar's right hand 
 man. I now live in the police prefect's house, enjoying life, 
 shouting love like a madman to his wife and daughter; I 
 have not quite decided with which to begin. Everybody 
 lends me money to any amount. They are characters ; you 
 would die laughing. I know you write for the press ; make 
 up a story of this and put it in some paper. First ; the police 
 prefect is as stupid as a gray donkey." 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Provoked.] I do not believe it. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Showing the letter.] Read it your- 
 self! 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Reading.] "As a gray donkey" 
 — It is impossible ; you wrote this yourself. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. How could I write it? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Read on! 
 
 Luka Lukich. Read on! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Continuing to read.] "The police 
 prefect is as stupid as a gray donkey." 
 
 Anton Antonovich. That'll do. That will do!! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Continuing.] Hm-hm-hm — "a gray 
 donkey. The prefect is also a good-natured man" . . . 
 [He stops reading.] Here he expressed himself very 
 impolitely about me. 
 
REVIZOR. 69 
 
 Anton Antonovich. Read on. Don't stop ! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. What for? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. Permit me! [He puts on his 
 glasses and reads:] "The postmaster is the very incarnation 
 of the janitor Mikheev at the Chancery, and the rascal must 
 be drinking just as heavily." 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [A bit aside.] The rascal! He ought 
 to get a good licking, that's all. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [Continuing to read.] "The 
 overseer of the charitable institutions" . . . and . . . and 
 . . . and . . . and . . . 
 
 [He begins to stammer a bit, then stops. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. Why did you stop ? 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. The writing is illegible — anyway, 
 it is very apparent that he is a scamp ! 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. Give it to me! I think my eyes 
 are better. [He takes the letter. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [Not giving the letter.] Well, 
 this place can be left out. Read further on. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. Give it to me. I'll read it. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. I can read it myself ; further on 
 the writing is very clear. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. No, you must read the whole of it. 
 Everything was read before. 
 
 Everybody on the stage. Give it up, Artemi Filippo- 
 vich; give up the letter. [To Stepan Ivanovich.] You 
 read it. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. All right. [He gives up the 
 letter.] Begin here. 
 
 [He covers up the spot with his fingers. Everybody 
 on the stage goes for him. 
 
7 О REVIZOR. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. Read it. Read it! Nonsense, read it 
 all! 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. [Reading.] "The overseer of the 
 charitable institutions, Zemlyanika, is a pig." 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. [Half aside; displeased.] That's 
 not funny, one bit ! 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. [Continuing.] The supervisor of 
 the schools eats garlic . . . 
 
 Luka Lukich. I never touch it ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Half aside.] Thank the Lord, 
 there is nothing about me. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. [Reading.] "The judge" . . . 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Ladies and gentlemen, I think the 
 letter is altogether too long; what the devil is the use 
 of reading trash like that! 
 
 Luka Lukich. Oh, no! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. No, no, read on! 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. You had better continue! 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. [Continuing.] "The Judge Lyap- 
 kin-Tyapkin is a monotone of the most unvaried, tiresome 
 kind." [He stops.] This must be French !; 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. The devil knows what it means. 
 Do you suppose it means anything ? Worse than a rascal. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich. [Continuing.] "However, they are 
 all good-hearted and hospitable people. Good-bye, my dear 
 Tryapichkin. Like you, I want to devote myself to litera- 
 ture. Life without an occupation of this sort is tedious ; but 
 if one writes, he can always pour out his soul on paper, 
 and feel the better afterwards. I see plainly enough that I 
 must pursue some high ideal. Write to me. [He turns the 
 letter and reads the address.] "His Honor, Sir Ivan 
 
REVIZOR. 7 1 
 
 *Vasillovich Tryapichkin, 97 Pachtomskaya St., St. Peters- 
 burg." 
 
 One of the Ladies. What an unexpected reprimand. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Nervously excited.] He cer- 
 tainly cut us to the quick! This is too much, altogether. 
 He has done us ! He must be caught ! [ Waves his hands. 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. He cannot be caught. I gave him the 
 best troika,f as bad luck would have it; the devil himself 
 induced me to give it to him, even before he pronounced 
 the order. 
 
 Stepan Ivanovich's wife. This is the greatest mixup 
 that ever happened ! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. Mixup! He borrowed three hun- 
 dred rubles of me. 
 
 Artemi Filippovich. He took three hundred of me ! 
 
 Ivan Kuzmich. [Sighing.] Same here! 
 
 Petr Ivanovich Bobchinski. And sixty-five of me and 
 Petr Ivanovich! 
 
 Ammos Fedrovich. [Stretching his hands perplexedly.] 
 How is it that we have been taken in so badly ? 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Striking himself on the fore- 
 head.] What a . . . what an old fool! I have lost my 
 senses. Thirty years in the service, and not one merchant, 
 not one contractor could deceive me ; the swindlers of swin- 
 dlers I have beaten in their own game. I have gotten 
 the best of such sharks and cheats as the world had not seen 
 their like; I have fooled three generals . . . [He waves 
 his hands in disapprovement.] What's the use of mention- 
 ing generals. They are easy . . . 
 
 *This high-sounding title in general use amounts to no more 
 than Mr. and Esq. 
 
 f Three horses abreast. 
 
72 REVIZOR. 
 
 Anna Andreevna. But it is impossible, Anton; he is 
 engaged to Marya. 
 
 Anton Antonovich. [Bitterly.] Engaged? It is an 
 insult, not an engagement! Don't talk to me about the 
 engagement. [Delirious.] See, see, let the whole world 
 see, let all Christians see, what a fool the prefect has been 
 made of ! Look at the fool, the old fool and knave ! [He 
 strikes his own head with his fist] Blockhead that I am. 
 And I took him for a great person. Now he is riding at 
 full speed and filling the air with the sound of bells. He 
 will spread the story all over the world. That will hardly 
 be the end of it ; it would not stop with ridicule — some hack- 
 writer, some penny-a-liner will put me into a play. Those 
 literary hacks respect no rank or calling. And they will all 
 jeer and laugh at me and tear me to pieces. 
 
 [People on the stage laugh half aloud. 
 
 A gendarme enters through the front door. 
 
 The Gendarme. The functionary who came here from 
 St. Petersburg by order of the Czar commands you to 
 appear before him. He stopped at the hotel. 
 
 [The announcement strikes them all like a thunder- 
 bolt. A sound of astonishment unanimously issues 
 from the ladies' lips; the whole assembly, on 
 account of the suddenly changed circumstances, 
 remains standing as though petrified. 
 
 The End. 
 

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