GLEAWS SERIES OF 
 STANDARD AND MINOR PLAYS. 
 
 No. 102. 
 
 "THE MISSOURI EDITOR;" 
 
 A 3 - Act Comedy -- Drama 
 
 BY 
 
 M.S.OLENN, .■'. 
 
 With Caste of Characters, Entrances and Exits, Relative Po- 
 sitions of the Performers, Description of Cos- 
 tumes, and the whole of the Stage Busi- 
 ness carefully marked out. 
 
 Price 25 Gents. 
 
 Mountain Gkove, Mo. 
 GLENN PUBLISHING CO. 
 
"THE MISSOURI EDITOR;" 
 
 A 3 - Act Comedy - Drama 
 
 -BY 
 
 n. 5. GLENN, 
 
 With Caste ot Chai'arters. Krit ranees ami Exits. Jlelative Po- 
 sitions of the l»erforniers. Description of Cos- 
 tumes, anrl the wiiole of the Staj^^e lUisi- 
 ness cnrefuily inailved oul. 
 
 ('OST['. \IES . MODEIIX. 
 
 o^^ 
 
 -') "^^ 
 
 / 
 
 TIME IK PLAYIXa--: ABOUT J HOURS. 
 
 ^rorNTATN (rROVE. Mo. 
 
 (ILENN PUBLISHING CO. 
 
THE MISSOURI ED IT OB 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 Jeptha Spoiigeliead, 
 Jake Spriggiiis, 
 Hurrali Smith. 
 Farmer Cornstalk. 
 Robt. Sanderson, 
 Flip Brandon, 
 Will Ketchem, 
 
 Gus Trenkle, 
 
 Harry Jones. 
 
 Ma ti Id a Spo ngeliea d , 
 Police. Servant, etc. 
 
 The Editor from -'Ole Mizzuri." 
 the "Devil." 
 . Bound for Oklahoma, 
 with a sack of pe-turnips. 
 Jep's N. Y. nephew, 
 tliecity man whom.Tep flogs to a finish. 
 ^ the Constable. 
 
 ^ 'Q j the baker, 
 the robber, 
 the tramp, 
 depty constable 
 .lei)lha"s wife. 
 
 •o^U^ 
 
 A^ 
 
 .c\ 
 
 (^- 
 
 % . ACT I. 
 
 Sce7ie 1. Pniit'iiig office in count rij. Editor seated at 
 an otd tahte or doj\ head hawed, writing vigoroustij. The 
 ''DeviV setting type at an old dilapidated case. loafer 
 reading paper, etc. 
 
 TiklM. (Out-side) Jeptha! 
 
 Jeptha. (Writes and reads a few words thf>ughtfiilly.) 
 Tilda. Ont-side. bnt nearer.) Jeptlia, oh JepI 
 Jeptha. What is it dear? (Continues to write.) 
 Tilda. (Out-side yet. ) Wliere is the tack liammerV 
 Jeptlia. (Still writing. I It's wliere you left it when you 
 it last, djar. 
 
 Enter. Tilda, C. 
 Well, 1 declare. J 've looked imzler the bed and in all 
 clothes presses and I can't lind that measly tack hammer. 
 Jeptha. (Continues to write, deeply absorbed.) 
 Tilda. (Sternly.) Jeptha. do you hear what J'm saying? 
 Jeptha. (Writing.) Yes, my dear. 
 Tilda. Well, where is it? (Stamps her foot.) 
 Jeptlia. Have you whistled for it. deary':' 
 Tilda. Oh, don't try to be funny. Jeptha. I want that ham- 
 mer and must have it. Look about your desk and see if it can 
 
 used 
 
 the 
 
 TMP92-009253 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. .] 
 
 be found. 
 
 Jeptha. (Lays aside paper and pencil and begins lodging every- 
 where about the. room for the hammer. Runs head under the 
 type-stand, receiving a hard bump.) 
 
 Jalce. More copy, here. Am clean up with you, boss 
 Jeptha. (Scratching head desperately.) Never mind copy. 
 Get to work and help hunt that tack hammer. 
 All. (Search for the hammer, j 
 
 Tilda. (Cooly.) Jeptha, dear, do you suppose it could be found 
 in the tool-box? 
 
 Jeptha. (Wiping his brow) That's the last place on earth I 
 should expect to And it. (Goes to box in corner, searches and 
 finds it) Well, I'll be hanged if that isn't the wonder of the age! 
 Here's your hammer. (Hands it to his wife and wipes his brow 
 again.) 
 
 Tilda. Well, I do know. (Looks at it pleased.) 
 
 Jeptha. And now Tilda, what are you going to do with the 
 blamed thing? 
 
 Tilda. (In mock surprise) Why, nothing now. I wanted to 
 have it ready for house cleaning next year. You know it saves 
 confusion to take time by the fore-lock, don't you think so, 
 Jeptha. dear? 
 
 .lake. (Convulses with laughter, twists and slai)s himself 
 vigorously as he jumps about the room. ) 
 
 Jeptiia. (Turns around in a desperate manner, stamps foot, 
 claws head and exclaims in a crest-fallen tone) .Tust like a 
 woman. (Returns to desk. ) 
 
 Tilda. (Looks after Jeptha) What queer ways men-folks do 
 liJive. [exitc 
 
 Jake. (Again becomes wrapt in amusement and laughs hard.) 
 
 Jeptha. Ja:<e, what do you mean by laughing at me in that 
 way? Do you expect me to put up with such as this from you 
 and continue to pay you the weekly sum of thirty cents? K^ot 
 much. Now you shuffle off that idiotic spell and go collect this 
 account off Jones & Co. 
 
 Jake (Puts hand over mouth to conceal his mirth, takes state- 
 ment and skips, bursting out in a loud laugh as he makes his 
 exit. C.) 
 
 Jeptha. (Writes a few more words at his desk, then places 
 
4 THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 
 
 copy on case tor Jake. ) If ever a man needed the patience of 
 Job and all his famil^^ surely that man is the editor of a country 
 news-paper. There's what would have been one of the grandest 
 productions of the pen, (my pen at least) just literally, absolutely, 
 tee-tolally and everlastingly smashed into smithereens, and all 
 over a confounded old Ave cent tack hammer that wont be used 
 for four long months yet. However, suppose such is tc be my lot 
 But, since I come to think about it, I've got to write up tViat 
 one-horse social given by the ladies, last night, at Mrs. Brown's 
 (Sits) I wonder who will torment me this tripy Time alone 
 can only tell. (Writes.) 
 
 Enter .lake. 0. 
 
 (does to his case unconcernedly.) 
 
 .leptha. Well, impudence, did you collect? 
 
 Jake. (Looks up slowly) Did you say something, bossV 
 
 Jeptha. (Madly) I asked did you collect that money? 
 
 Jake. Oh— no sir, said he wouldn't pay it. 
 
 Jeptha. (Rising quickly.) The duce he wouldn't. Did he 
 give his reasons for not paying it? 
 
 Jake. Yes, he said he wanted it printed next to and following 
 the regular reading mattei-. 
 
 .leptha. Well, he got it. You know yourself, .lake, that I 
 put his add between the two biggest pieces of news in the whc^Ie 
 paper. 
 
 Jake, ((letting worked u])) Well, he said it had a society 
 scandal on one side and a divorce case on t'oter, and he didn't 
 call that pure matter at all. and he said he'd be dad-gasted if he 
 would pay for iti (here he works up to highest pitch, emphasiz- 
 ing his last words by throwing his old hat to the floor forcibly. 
 
 Jeptha. Just another way these pesky skin-flint merchants 
 have of defrauding the editor out of his hard earned currency, 
 (starts to desk, but stops, thoughtfully) But it maddens mc to 
 1 hink of it. and makes me feel that the best thing to do would be 
 to thrash the lying rascal wit bin an inch of his life: yes. and I'll 
 go and do it, too! (Starts to go but turns back to desk and begins 
 fumbling papers, etc. 
 
 Jake. Wliy don't you go, loss: you ain't fraid of hiu). is you? 
 
 Jeptha: Well. no. Jake, l)ut just as I reached the door, there, 
 T thought of his helpless wife and innocent babes, and couldn't 
 endure the icea cf br^ivking their hearts by crippling the old dog. 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 5 
 
 Jake: [aside] Oh, Lordy, what a lie! But then, he's one of 
 them country editors. [Sticks type. 
 
 Jeptha. [Goes to desk.] Well; well, well; 1 hardly know what 
 to write about to fill up the paper. Confound it, I wish some- 
 thing would happen in the neighborhood, so I do. [Walks.] 
 
 Cornstalk. [Outside] Whoa, thar, Salem! Here Jane, hold 
 these bosses till I go in and tell Jep the news. Whoa, I tell you! 
 
 Jeptha. [Exultantly.] Ah, now if I can only get something 
 startling to publish. [Walks about lively.] 
 
 Enter Cornstalk, R. U. E. 
 
 Jep: [Advancing] Why, hello, Brother Cornstalk! How are 
 you coming? 
 
 Corn: Oh, jest fair to middlin, guess. 
 
 J ep: Have a seat and rest yourself. 
 
 Corn: No, haint time. Jep; old woman's out side tliar waitiii 
 forme. Fact is, Jep, 1 just dropped in to tell you that our hull 
 neighborhood was all— all— er— stirred up. [Goes to door and 
 spits.] 
 
 Jep: [Aside] This is luck! Just wanted such an opportunity 
 to give the paper a good blow-oli". [To Corn.] Just step here 
 to my desk while I'm getting paper and pencil ready and tell me 
 all about it. What we want is the NEWS. [Steps out to center, 
 strikes a very business-like attitude and asks] And now. farmer, 
 what stirred your neighborhood up so. eh"? 
 
 Corn: Be gosh, sir — 
 
 Jep: Yes— yes- 
 Corn: For the last three days— 
 
 Jep: [More excitedly] \^e>, yes, tell me all. [Uneasy.] 
 
 Corn: Well, as 1 war goin to say, Jep, for the last three days 
 the farmers have been 
 
 Jep: Oh, gracious, farmer, I can see by you very countenance 
 that j^our neighborhood has been undergoing one of the greatest 
 of stirring ups, as 3^ou call it. But go on— let us know the truth 
 no matter who it applies to. [Restlessly.] 
 
 Corn: Yes, the farmers out thar have, for the last three days, 
 all been a— 
 
 Jeptha. [Breathlessly] Oh — o — o— o— I 
 
 Corn: Plowing. [As the last word is said, a drum sliouid be 
 struck a thundering blow.] 
 
6 THE MISSOU'RI EDITOR, 
 
 Jep: [Falls heavily to the floor as drum sounds.] 
 
 Corn: [Laughs heartly as he makes his Exit. 
 
 Jake: [Runs to Jep, feels his pulse: runs to door and yellsl 
 Help, Help, run here quick— Jeptha's murdered— he's dying! 
 [runs around stage in a crazy-like manner.] 
 Enter Tilda, C. D. 
 
 [Kneeling at Jeptha's side] Oh, my dear Jeptha! AViio did this 
 horrible crime? Speak, if only once, to your broken harted wife. 
 Oh-o-o-ol [falls heavily across body.] 
 Jake: [Busies himself getting off one of Jeptha s shoes. 
 
 Inter Smith, K. 1. E. 
 [Running,] Here, sombody— send my paper to Oklahoma and 
 credit me with this dollar. [Exit. L. 1. E. 
 
 Jeptha: [At the sound of the silver dollar, he springs (juickly 
 to his feet, knocking Tilda and Jake winding, runs to the desk, 
 grabs dollar, puts it between iiis teeth, and looking at audience, 
 gleefully exclaims:] 
 
 How dear to tny heart is cash on subscription. 
 
 When the generous subscriber presents it to view: 
 But the man wiio won't pay, we refrain from de.scrlption. 
 For perhaps, dear friend, [t-o audience] tliat might b«* 
 y< III. 
 
 [starts madly toward door. | 
 
 Tilda: (Stoppingi him. Wliere are you going, you nkl crazy 
 galoot? 
 
 Jep: Oh, I'll make that old rapscallion think there's more 
 tlum his neighborliood all stirred up. (Siiakes tist and exits. C. 
 
 Tilda. Well, did I ever! (Turns to Jake who is getting him- 
 self together again and dusting his clothes.) Jake, you'd better 
 follow Jep and try and get him back here before someone tries 
 to p(jund some common hog-sense into that knot on his sholders 
 No wonder he's so taken up with the news-paper business— he 
 hasn't sense to d(» anything else. (Exit. ; 
 
 Jake. (Looking after her. ) Well. I tiling they'r boili in the 
 same box. 
 
 Enter. Corn. 
 
 Ha, Ha, Hal (Holds his sides i Well, young man, vvhere's the 
 boss? Has he got that little epersode o'mine all rit up and sot 
 in type by this time? Ha. Ha. Ha! 
 
THE MISSO UEI EDITOR. 7 
 
 Jake: He's been too busy to do that since you left 'while ago. 
 (Aside.) And I'm thinking he'll be still busier if they meet here 
 again. 
 
 Corn. Well, young feller, I'm in quite a hurry, so if you'll 
 receipt me for this dollar on my subscription. I'll be agoin. 
 (Hands Jake the dollar and they both go to desk and become 
 busy kK)king over books.) 
 
 Jeptha. (outside.) Where did he go when he turned the 
 corner there? 
 
 Voice: I think you'll find your man inside the printing office. 
 Enter, Jep. 
 (Sees Cornstalk and Jake and thinks tliey are prying into 
 liis private affairs) Ah. tlie old scoundrel, he comes back to heap 
 insult upon injury! But see me send his worthless soul into 
 eternity! Hell never know what struck him— it will be done so 
 quickly and effectually! (Grabs a club and stealthily advances 
 behind the farmer.) 
 
 Corn: (As editor draws to strike) Thar, now, tell Jep I'll pay 
 that much on my subscription, and that if he needs any money 
 to help him (m in his busines, just to call on me and I'll loan him 
 a few hundred— 
 
 Jep: 'Drops lo the floor as drum is struck heavily. He turns 
 a complete sumersalt this time, gets up. sees they have not ob- 
 served him yet ) Well, the old cuss seems to- hold nothing against 
 me— but to the contrary, beseems to want to befriend me. I 
 must maiiiige tuavoid him untill 1 get my temper c«)led off, so 
 I'll just conceal myself in this box until the old fellow vamouses. 
 (Clim'.)s into empty box Squats down and then Ixbs head up.) I 
 feel like I ought to go right up to the old fellow and beg his par- 
 don for what I have been thinking of doing, for 1 am beginning 
 to love him like a father. Oh. that money he's going to loan me. 
 He said he would if I needed it. and of course I do, for I'm one 
 of them editors. (Farmer moves to go and Jep drops down.) 
 
 Corn: Well' dog my cats, if I wasn't about to forget a hull 
 busliel of pe-turnits that the old woman had me fetch in to 
 Jeptha. I'll go and get *em right tliis minute. (Exits.) 
 
 Jake: Oee Whillikens! Things are gettin ready for a blow- 
 up here and I must do my best to avoid a catastrophe! For fear 
 the boss comes In yet before this old codger wat's got lots of 
 money to loan, has time to get away, I'll just step down the 
 •street and find the boss and detain him for a few minutes, to 
 
S THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 
 
 gi ve this old fellcw a chance to go home without meeting him 
 again. (Exit, i 
 
 Enter, Corn* 
 (With sack of turnips.) Well, be-gosh. tliat feller's skipped out 
 without tellin me where to pour these har pe-turnips. A\ ell 1 H 
 be gol danged if 1 know a better place than this old box here^ 
 (Sets sack down, unties string and empties the whole sack of 
 turnips, covered with dirt, in on top of the editor, folds up sack 
 and exits. ) 
 
 STllEKT crilTAlN DllOi'S. 
 I Voices outside, holluwing, shouting and laughing at son.e excite- 
 ment. Noiseof two running rapidly. 
 
 Baker: (Outside) Halt there! Catch the vagabond: Stop 
 the thief. 
 
 Kilter Harry, the tramp. 
 iB\.llowed rapidly by Baker, dressed in baking costume. They 
 run across the stage, the tramp eating on a huge loaf of hght- 
 bread. As thev disappear, a policeman, followed \)y boys and 
 other, go ruiming across the stage, following tiampand baker. > 
 STREET CURTAIN RISES, SllOWlNC TUINTING 
 OFFICE 
 I Nni<t' (if 1 ht> ch.iso ht'ard on the outside again. 
 
 Kuler Harry. C. 
 (Running here and there, seeking a hi.ling place, linaiy mm > the 
 box, and decides to hide in it. As he undertakes to ^;et into H 
 he pulls it toward him. npsetting it. He gets down and crawK 
 in. during which time. Jeptha and the turnips come clambering 
 and rolling out at the (.Mier end. i 
 
 Knter Baker. C 
 (putfincrand l)lowiiig wildly, sees Jei)tha-s feet sticking out of 
 box as ihat person is trying loextricate himself from the turnips, 
 while the tramp is crawling in at the other end. He takes him 
 for the tramp and goes to pull him out. dragging him across the 
 stage before he sees his mistake, .lust as the baker sees that lie 
 has the wrong man and releases his grip on him, Jeptha .lumps 
 to his feet.-grabs the baker by the throat, swaying him around 
 once or twice, throws him back ward under his arm begins to 
 pound his mug. The baker screams, murder, murder, and the 
 tramp jumps out of the box, runs to them, throws off his ragged 
 coat, separating the two. saying to .leptha. 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 9 
 
 Harry: I beg of you. sir. not to liarni a liair of that man's 
 liead. 
 
 Jep: What: you beof for this scoundrel after being chased by 
 him to this, your hiding placey 
 
 ITary: True, sir, he has given me a hard run. but he had good 
 reasons for running me down. 
 
 Jep: Indeed, sir! would you mind telling me tliose reasons? 
 
 Harry: (Wiping tear. ) Ay. sir. I stole that from him which 
 was his own. (Still weeping, i 
 
 Baker: The dirty thief, that's what he done, and Ive a mind 
 to break every bone in his infernal body, if he don't pay me in- 
 stantly for my property. (Takes for the tramp but is knocked 
 down by Jeptha.' 
 
 .lep: What, you heartless wretch. Wduld \(>u strike a man 
 while he is pleading for youV 
 
 Ffarry: i IMt tifully. i Pray sir. have patience w ith him don't 
 abuse him. Let me tell you what a wrong 1 have done him. 
 
 Jeptha: lAside.i i Well, this is one of tlie most misterious 
 affairs i h:ive Ixmmi mixed up in yet. I can't understand it. This 
 fellow hascertainly commiled some atrocious act toward this 
 fresli gentleman.) (Aloud t" Harry.) May I know what you 
 have done to this fellow (hat he seems so l)ent on taking your 
 life for it? 
 
 Harr\ : I stole ;i whole loaf of brcjid \v<^\\\ liis window, 
 .leptlia: (Jood HCaveus. man! \()U don'l mean to say this is all 
 over a live cent loaf of l)read. do you? 
 Hairy: ^'es sir. that 's it. 
 
 .leptha: Why. t hat 's rediciilous! A loaf of bread d(. n't amount 
 to anything. 
 
 Harry: Aye, sir, I am starving— have had n(»thing to eat. hard- 
 ly, for nearly a week, and if that loaf of bread was worth as 
 much to him as it was to me, its value cannot be e.stimated in 
 tliis worlds goods. (Falls upon knees, looking ui)ward wit h raised 
 hands.) .\h, God in Heaven, have mercy on my wretciied soiill 
 (Weeps bitterly. 
 
 .leptha: (turns. ]>< ints linger at bakei- scornfully and signili- 
 cantly motions him to the door: not a word to be spoken: baker 
 drops ins head and sneaks <.ut. sliaking his fist as he disappears.) 
 Pray. sir. ha\cyou no friends nearal)oul? 
 
10 Tilt: MlSS(Ji'l{I KDITOU. 
 
 Harry: (Risin^^ and vvipin^^ eyps) It seems that 1 have one in 
 poll, sir. 
 
 Jeptlia: You have relatives livin^^ in tliis country have you 
 not? 
 
 Harry: Indeed, kiiui sir. 1 liavo neillier relat ives liorlionie in 
 this world. The only ehild of jxHir but honest parents. 1 was left 
 penniless and homeless, only a few years aj^o. My m(>tiier had 
 been left a widow three months after I saw the li^lit of this 
 troublesome, sorrowful world. I t:rew up to love and cherish her 
 and was her only support, and (J<ul knows. I did my best for her: 
 but. alas, as we were ^M'ttin^^ a small footing; in this life, it pleased 
 the Almighty Father in Heaven that we should be separated in 
 this world by that horrible, dreadful Johnstown Flood, which we 
 all remember but too well. (Weeps) The last lime 1 l(H»ked 
 upon my dear old moi tier's face, was (»n the ni^dit of that dread- 
 ful accident, as she knelt by my bed-side. prnyin>f for her only 
 child. She was swept away as were hundreds of others: Our 
 little home-there was never a |)iece of it seen to be reco^nii/.ed 
 a^ain. Since then. I have Ijeen roaminj: fn>m (»ne place to anot h- 
 er-no place to call my home. No one to look ui>on as a friend. 
 No kind word to cheer me on. No one to pray for me as my weary 
 head w;is rested upon the bare i^round <»r rt(K>r of an empty house 
 or carl '■ Weejis biierly. 
 
 \'oic(-.. ()ut>id»'. 
 Sin^nnv; a f<'W woi(Unr • Ildiiir. Swe»'l IIoiik 
 
 Harry: Ah. (iod in Heaven, why am 1 U li;i\<' inr uisi ihri-ad 
 of my heart torn asunder by that .sorrowful, yet truthful nou^'. at 
 such a time as this? It is to much! Icannotstand it- it's t(Ki 
 muc.i, too mu(!hl iSta^i^^-rs. .leptha catches him and holds Iiim 
 while cuitjtin tails. 
 
 
 
 ACT H. 
 SCENE 1. Street in Nov >drk. 
 
 Enter. .Jeptlia and wife. Tilda. 
 (Carryinif valises, packages, umbrellas, etc, each v,\7m\^ 
 about in a lost way. .saunter alorm to center of stagre and slop.) 
 
 .leptha: Matilda. I think we are on the rit,dit street this time, 
 my dear. 
 
 Tilda: That's what you've been sa\ in^' ni<:h on to a week, now, 
 evi rv time we uet into a new lane. 
 
THE Mi;S.SOlTiI EDITOR. 11 
 
 .lep! Oh. well now. Matilda, you must learu to iiave patience 
 if you are K^ung t<^) remain an editor's wife. 
 Tilda: Yes, and also learn to live on wind, I supixjye. 
 Jep: (Fretfully.) Come, now. Matilda, you know we are all 
 ri^lit if I only make the deal that 1 am now in New Yurk City 
 to close. 
 Tilda: Yes. there's that old life-time companion of yours-"if" 
 it\ been "if" this and 'if" that, until I'm just alK)Ut •'ilTed*' 
 nut. 
 
 .lep: There now. d»-ar. let's not have any more of this: let's 
 tind th:it fellows ollice and make the deal. 
 
 Tilda: Well now see here. .lepf ha Sjxjnjihead: I've just traced 
 around after you in search of that feller's ottice until 1 am just 
 tee-totally fa^^'ed out a^fain-and as we've made this our lunch 
 time every day since we tlrst landed in this blamed town, wat's 
 hiK^irern all our hull state put t«»^rether, I am just ^n)ln to hunker 
 down ri^dit Inu'e and eat a snack. And I'll tell youan(»ther thinK^ 
 .leptha. these har biscuits and bacon are ^jettin awfull scarce and 
 tou<,di. to say noihinj,' al)out the coal-di:st and cual-cinders that's 
 -.'itk'd in 'em since we've been here. You know we have paced 
 up and d(»wn every blamed lane in this town. (She spread out 
 a shawl, enrolls a packa^^e of bread and meat, (iocs to chewing 
 ;i |ii.c.'. .Icpthadoes likewise.) 
 
 lOnter. Polieeinan. 
 II, ill.' \ couple oi va^'tanis nr(-ro<)ks. 
 
 'i'ilda: ( Pulling: at a piece of meat. ) .Icjttha, maybe that rail- 
 load conducl(»r comin^M here can tell you how to finil the place 
 we'er looking: f"r. 
 
 .lep: (Looks at cop. i»ul says nothing' as t Im> Iaii<r approaches 
 and ^M/es at them. ' 
 
 I'ol: Aside Two escaped hmatics. ni bet. Well. I'll let 
 I hem have t heir way in every thintx. but will manavje, however, 
 to ^fet them in safe (juarters. (Speaks t«» .lep. . Hello, there, pard! 
 Where you lM)und for? 
 
 Tilda: He's t lyin^: to llnd his M«'phew's oHice: do yoii know 
 wliei-e it is^ 
 
 IV.l: Why. ceitaiiily. 1 kfiow. Coum' with me and we'll llnd ii 
 witiiin ten luiMiiic-^. To audience, i .lust as I si/.<'d it up. 
 
 .lep: (.lumps up in an airy way. lays hand on cop> shoulder 
 Now see here, because my wife has addressed you. unt houtrhtedly. 
 
12 TiiK Missovm EI) iron. 
 
 \\\ this simple way, instead of sayiiiir we were on our way to t lie 
 office of Mr. Robert Massey Anderson Gillespie McFadden Sander- 
 son, wlio, by the way, is a nei)liew of mine— I say now, because 
 she has expressed hereself in such an unsopliisticated manner, 
 don't take us for a couple of wandering' luna>. 
 
 Pol: (VVinUs at audience in a knowing' way. ) Ah. you don't 
 mean to say that gentleman you just s|K)ke nf is your nephew? 
 
 Jep: Yes sir— thal's wliat I mean, .(^les to ^'etlin^' his traps 
 ready for marching, i 
 
 Tol: Well. I be^ l>i»'don Inr anytliin;^' I liave done lo injuie 
 your feelings, but lo better mend tliiin. allow me tlu' priNiU'go of 
 conducting you to the office of Mr. Sanders(.n. which is just. 
 around the corner here. (Aside.) That 11 fetch '«'m. 
 
 .Iej>: That's moi'e like it, my friend. ('ome, my dear, our 
 weary hunting and marching is alMMit over. (Tliey Ixith get in 
 marching order and tiie three start otT.) 
 
 1^)1: (To audience) Its my duty to tak«' c;ire (.f such harm- 
 less wanderers when they escape t hi- way. yet. 1 feel sojry fur 
 the poor things, after all. (Exit,' 
 
 .SCKNK n. 
 iStreel curtain rises shewing the iiit trior nf a tjcatly lit ted otlice. 
 Kol)ert and (InrJi's sealed at dilTereiil tablo. 
 
 (Mias: l{ni)eit, it seems to me your uncle is a longtime getting 
 here. I>idn't you say he left his home seven days agoy 
 
 Uol)l: Yes, .Mr. Brandon, he undoubtedly Ijoarded a train at 
 his place just seven days ag(», and should have been here live days 
 ago. 1 can't understand it. sir. 
 
 Chas: >Vell. if the <»ld gent donl show up jirrliy M^m. \(iu'l 
 have toal)andon the id(M of exchanging plaees with him. Walks 
 toward his desk. 
 
 Koht : Hut see Ill-re, Mr. IIimikIom. 1 have went lo a li>t of 
 troul)le and expense in getting ready for a change (»f some kind, 
 and even if ujy uncle does not come to take my place, I ft el that 
 I shall have to go from the city a short t ime anyh(»w. .M> poor 
 health demands that I do something for a change. 
 
 Chas: Well, we'll wait a day or two more, and if he dots not 
 
 show u]) by that time 
 
 Enter, .losli. ilie servant. 
 
 Chas: Well. .lo>li what's ihc nimpii-^".'' 
 
THE MI:SS0UEI EDITOR. TJ 
 
 Josh: A letter for Mr. Tvohort liere. (Delivers letter to Robt. 
 and waits.) 
 
 Robt: (Reads (illicitly I Wluit? Can this be true? 
 
 Chas- What now— a letter from the old man/ 
 
 Robt: (Evasively) Er-er-rio sir- -it's from-er- another party. 
 [Aside] Oh, hang the luck. It is from uncle, and he says by 
 means unknown to him, he and auntie have been taken for a 
 couple of escaped lunatics, and are now in the asylum waiting for 
 instructions fron relatives: and he wants me to come at once and 
 get them out of the place. Oh. this is dreadful! 1 must not let 
 Mr. lirandon know ;inythin<;alx)ut thisor my pleasure trip will 
 be knocked in the \w,\(\. 
 
 Josh: He tiicir an atiswrr? 
 
 Roljt: No. you miiy go. [ToCha.s.] Mr. llraiidon. 1 will be 
 gone for a few seconds. [Puts (.n coat and hat and exits] 
 
 Chas: I'll bet he's heard finni that country uncle of his prol)- 
 ably in the lock \\\) and \wviU tnoney l<» pay his way out. Well, 
 I've got business out a few hours, may be I can run across them. 
 flOxits j 
 
 [.h'p outside, as ICob(Mfs luad appears at d(>or. ] Say, Hoi.. I'm 
 a mind to give this deal up right now. for blamed if ever I was 
 taken \\\) for a crazy man befor 1 struck this dog-gone t<.wn. 
 
 Kuter Robert. ( '. I >. 
 [Followed by J ep ] Oh. no. uncle, you must not think of dojn^r 
 sucliathing. .My arrangements are all made, and we must go 
 right on and make the best of the nartrain. 
 
 Jep: Well. I'll grin and bear it-but it 's all for your sake. liol)- 
 no one else— [•'•>"l<^«>r(>iindl Hut look here, where 'sTilda. wliere's 
 my dear? [Kuns to d(M)r and looks out— (evidently sees her down 
 the street. a> he coiinnences hollowing at the top (»f his Noiec .] 
 Hi. tiiere. you raw-lMmcd. kn(K:k-kneed, cros.s-eyed. rubber- 
 neck de.scendant of the devil, (piit your pestering that lady— she's 
 ujy wife. Do you heahy [Noise (.f several persons laughing and 
 guying the old woman, one voice yelling several times— -'Sa v. old 
 (iyp. can't you tell usour fortunes?"' Leads Tilda in. who |(M)ks 
 Nomewhat lost anci bewildered, as she sizes up the elegant ottice. | 
 
 i»obt: This way, folks, and l)e .seated. [Points to chairs. | 
 
 Tilda: [Looking around, vimt much taken in with the a|>pear- 
 ances.] W(»ll. HoI»bie, your nici'Iy fixed up here. Wheie's the 
 ofticey 
 
U THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 
 
 Robt: [Somewhat vexed.] Why, this is my office, riglit here. 
 Here's my desk and there's tiie business manager's over there. 
 
 Tilda: [Excitedly.] You don't mean to tell me that your 
 helping to run the American Farmer, and then say that this 
 nice little parlor is your office, do you? 
 
 Robt: Why, certainly, auntie, that's what I mean. 
 
 Tilda: Well, Where's your Washington and other printing 
 materials? 
 
 Robt: (Bewildered.) Wliere's my what? 
 
 Tilda: Your Washington printing press— you don't print a 
 paper without a press do you? 
 
 Robt: Why, auntie, of course we don't get along without a 
 press. But you see. the press department, like, the folding, 
 mailing, counting, composing, proofing and other departments, 
 are all se.)arate— this whole block of buildings here is used for 
 our printing and publishing business. 
 
 Tilda: Well, that's the biggest piece of extravagance I ever 
 heard of. (Sits down very suddenly.) 
 
 Robt: Indeed, auntie, it's necessary to have all these con- 
 venient arrangements for without tliem it would be utterly im- 
 possible to run such a large paper as the American Farmer. 
 
 Tilda: (Jumps up madly.) Don't try to stuff that kind of 
 nonsense down me— don't my Jeptha, there, run a pai)er down in 
 Missouri? 
 
 Hobt : 1 have been so informed. 
 
 Tilda: Well, I KTS^OW he does— and I also know he has his 
 entire plant, very nicely and conveniently, as you say, all arranged 
 in one 10x12 ft. room. 
 
 Robt. (Astonished.) Why, uncle, can auntie be telling the 
 truth? Is youi- office n(> larger than that? 
 
 Jeptha: (Somewhat bothered. ) Well, she's right about the 
 whole plant being in one room, but (looks uneasily at his. wife, 
 who begins to clinch her Ust and sliow signs of angryness.) but 
 she's mistaken altogether, about the size of the — 
 
 Tilda: (Rising and slioving her fist under Jeptha's nose.) See 
 here, Jcp, don't I xnow what I'm talking about when Fve been 
 livin riglit over that office ever since constable N'ewton put us 
 out of that other one? And didn't I measure it just last week 
 ft)r that new rag carpet we're goin to get on subscription? Don't 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 15 
 
 tell me I'm mistakened! (Walks off to one side and blows nose 
 on apron. ) 
 
 Chas: (While above is taking i)lace, comes to C. E. behind 
 them and stands looking in, somewhat amused.) 
 
 Jep: (In an explanitory way:) Oh, well, Bob, you needn't be 
 afraid to go down and take charge of the office. You'll find it all 
 handily arranged in one rcom -yet, there's plenty of room to get 
 around in -consequedtly, you may know it is not such a small 
 room as the old woman pictures it. 
 
 Chas: (Stepping in.) AVell, Robert, what have you here? One 
 of our million rural subscribers? (Sets eye-glass and gazes first 
 at Jeptha and then at Tilda and vice versa.) 
 
 Robt: (Turns around excitedly. Shows surprise and is troubl- 
 ed over the matter. Looks at audience bewilderingly. ) Now T 
 AM in in it. [Bites lips and twists around nervously] Oh, I 
 could make it alright if auntie wasn't here -she'll spoil every- 
 thing. [Turns to avoid Chas] 
 
 Chas: [Sternly.] 1 say, Robert, can't you attend to the wants 
 of these two creatures and get rid of them? 
 
 [At this instance, a miglity alarm of tire is sounded outside, by 
 striking two or three steel gongs. At the same time, voices are 
 heard crying: Fire! Fire! FIRE! 
 
 Jep: [Makes a dash for the door, followed by Tilda, who grabs 
 his coat-tail as he disappears.] 
 
 Chas. and Robert go to door, look out. mikI thiMi return to 
 center of stage, laughing loudly.] 
 
 Robt: Why, er - you asked, I believe, who those people are? 
 
 Chas: I don't caresomucli who tliey were now. since they are 
 out and gone. [Goes to desk.] 
 
 Robt: Oh, well they were a couple of count ly folk.s— ah'ighl. 
 of course, but a little green. 
 
 Chas: Well, I am (tbliged to step down to the mailing room a 
 few minutes, so you'll please remain here till I return, Robert. 
 
 Robt; I declare, I got out of that pretty easily, after all. But 
 I must see that they both don't get in here again untill things 
 are arranged. [Rings bell.] 
 
 Enter Josh. C. E. 
 
 Robt: Josh, have a cal) at tliedoor wit hiri five minutt's. 
 
 Josh: [Bows and Exits. C. K.] 
 
IG THE MISSOURI ED IT OIL 
 
 Enter Jeptha and Tilda. C. D. 
 [Putring, blovvlno:, and wiping the perspiration from tlieir faces.] 
 
 .Jeptlia: [Between breaths.] That tire was undoubtedly out in 
 the country a mile or two, for I run myself down and then lost 
 sight of that alarm wagon that went helter-skilter down the 
 street. 
 
 Robt: [Trys to avoid laughing but has to hold his sides.] 
 
 Tilda: [Still blowing.] It. s my opinion that it was some one 
 burning a brush heap. 
 
 Robt: (Composedly.) Why. auntie, that Hre might have been 
 ten miles from here and yet have been a house, or may be a 
 whole block, burning in this city. Rut, never mind liie lire. 1 
 have a carriage waiting to convey you to a pleasant home, wiiere 
 you are to remain while uncle takes my place in the otlice here 
 this winter. Come. T know you are tired out. (Leads her to 
 door.) Good-by: uncle and I will be there in a few hours. (Turn^ 
 around to .lept.lia. I Well, uncle, I want you to step in to my 
 private room here and put on a suit of clothes 1 luive prepared 
 fcr you especially for this occassiori. 
 
 .Jep: vSee here, R"b, Ifearwe'll have toahandon this nuitter 
 your boss made remarks here a while ago that made my very 
 blood bc»il with deep humilialioii to say nothing of the indignities 
 he 
 
 Robt: Oh. see here, uncle, that's just what V\\\ utter tixin- 
 up right now. You step in here, put on the clothes I liave foe 
 you, assume a very dignitled appearance, and he'll just fall in 
 love with you- - thereby making our little exchange deal a grand 
 cuccess. You'll lea) n all about the life of a city editor, and I 
 will have the pleasurable experience of a country news-paper 
 publisher. SeeV (liothexit. ) 
 
 Enter (Mkis. C. I>. 
 (Looks around for l{ol>ert. I Why, I told Robert to lemain here 
 until I returned, and here I tlnd the otlice alone 
 
 Robt: (In room.) I'm right in here, Mr. J^.randon, helping 
 my uncle straighten himself up— he's had a long journey, you 
 know. 
 
 Chas: Ah, that uncle of his has realy come, eh'^ I'm sorry for 
 it. Yet, I guess 1*11 have to make the best of the bargain. (Sits 
 at desk. ^ 
 
 Knter i{ol)t and .lep. K. 1. K. 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 17 
 
 Jep being dressed in long tail coat, fine, low-cut vest, silk hat, 
 ioLid pants, etc.. and wearing eye-glass same as Brandon.) 
 
 Uobt: Mr. lirandon, allow rae to introduce to you my uncle, 
 Mr. .leptlia Spongehead, froni Missouri. 
 
 Chas: (Hows and scrapes wonderfully polite, wliile Jep steps 
 up to shake hands with him. 
 
 .Jep: (Extends hand) Glad to meet you. Mr. TJrand-iron— glad 
 to meet you. 
 
 Chas: (Does not see his hanrl hut tuiris and sits at desk and 
 becomes busy, .leptha does not like it. but says notliing. ) 
 
 Chas: (In rougli nuimier. ) Robert, show your uncle his desk, 
 explain to iiim his duties as my clerk, and then you may depart 
 (Ml your jouiney. (Resumes writing.) 
 
 Robt: (Coes to desk. ) Here, uncle, you will lliid instructions 
 in this ('iivel()|H' which 1 luive written for you. sparing no pains to 
 make evciylliing plain to you. And now. I will bid you a happy 
 good-l)ye. (Shakes haucls.) I will not see auntie before I leav, 
 so you tell her good-bye for me, and say— uncle, make some excuse 
 to keep her from visiting you herc-( Laughs in a knowing way) 
 you understand It. eh? (rointsto Chas.) 
 
 .leptha: (ioo(|-by. l;ol). lie careful of cotitracts y(»u make with 
 .loncs and Compiny t ht^v're deat h on possitions next to i)ure 
 leading mattei-. 
 
 Robt: ( )h. nevei' fe:i!' — I'm oil to t hat kind of business. I'll 
 Ijring your paper out in city style in a few weeks. [Kxits.] 
 
 .lej): [Looks llist at audience and then at ilrandon. still weai- 
 jug the big hat Rol)t. had him !i> put on ) \N'ell. I guess I'm in 
 for it — I wish to goodness 1 was b;iek in .Missouri interviewing 
 my old friends — 
 
 Chas: 'Ci-ossly.i .\!)out how many years do you t hink it will 
 I ake you to learn to !)«' of some \;ihie to i he oiiic,' here— eliV 
 Looks at him through his nlas>. 
 
 .Iei»: (Looking at him in an innocent way. AlK)ut as many as 
 it would take you lo learn t'» run a common country nevvs-i)ai)er. 
 Returns same ga/e t hat Chas g;ive him. > 
 Chas: (Turning lo desk. (|Ui'*kly. ) Oh. bosh: 
 .lep: That's what I think alx.ut it. 
 Chas: (Snap|iingl\. \Vli:it "s t iiat';' Do you dare insult me. 
 
IH THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 
 
 Jep: (To audience.) This will never do: I iiiiist ^o and luint 
 up Tilda and tfet out of this aiistcx.Talic place. Yes. I nuisl: if I 
 don't ril be puilty "f nnirder in less than six h(»urs. I wonder, 
 thouf^h, if they'd liang a man fcr killinu: one of th<»se tliinj^^s? 
 
 Enter Josh. r. I>. 
 (With card on tray.) 
 
 Chas: This way. .losh: what have you':' \Lo(jks at card.) Take 
 it to that. (Points tn Jeptlia. j 
 
 .Jep: (To audience.) Ah, he's poinj^ to see if I'm of any value 
 to the oftice. Well. I'll niana^^e tliis little atfair just as though 
 I'd been in the business a life-time. (Takes card, l(K)ks at it, 
 tests the strength, assume a busine.ss-like air. and says.) How 
 many do yc>u want and what grade of cards shall we print 'em on*? 
 Do you want i)lain oi' round coiiiers, scjuar or l)eveled white or 
 gilded? 
 
 Chas: (Turns from his desk and becotnes deeply interested in 
 Jep's actions.) 
 
 Josh: Sir. what do you mean by all those (juestions? 
 
 Jep: I merely want to ascertain the kind of a jol) of card i)iinl- 
 ing you want done. 
 
 Chas: (Laughing loudly, i Josh, tell him that card was sent 
 up by some rue that wants to intcM'vicw him. lla. Ila. \\\\\ 
 This is great! 
 
 Jep: (Aside.) Oh. how 1 wisji I was l)ack in Missouri. ;Turn 
 to servant.) Bud. 1 will go down with you to see that feller, but 
 in my country, they always come right into my otiicc; to see me. 
 (Gets up and starts to go.) 
 
 Chas: Ha, Ha. Ha! (Takes hold of . I cp. i Hold on. .Missouri: 
 allow the servant to show the gentleman u|) you needn't go 
 down. 
 
 Jep: (Jerking away madl\. ' Why not go downy or VV I'd 
 rather go anywhere than remain up here in the same cage with 
 an animal like you. 
 
 Chas: (Shaking ti.st.) You have insulted every bit of the n(»l)le 
 blood that courses through my veitis. and you shall suffer lor it 
 sir- -do you hear? 
 
 Josh: (To audience.) There's going to be trouble here. m 
 just have an ottlcer iu readiness. (Exits.) 
 Jep: [Aside.] Noble blood, nothing: I'll bet there aint enough 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 19 
 
 blcxjd of any kind in iiim to interest an ordinary Missouri bed-bug 
 two minutes: [Aloud.] Oil, if 1 only back in Missouri and had 
 you there with me- -my fortune would be made. 
 
 Chas: [Fiercly] What? You dare address me in such terms, 
 you back-w(K)ds specimen of humanity'? 
 
 .It'p: Missouri can stand anything but lliat! [la a rage, he 
 lays otT hat & coat as they begin to dodge one another, rolls up 
 sleevs and makes a dash for Chas. Jep finally catches him. 
 makes his coat-tail "crack the air" lus lie swings him around and 
 brings him to his knees. Then straddles his neck and begins to 
 |M)und his hearl. after which, he grabs the card tray and begins 
 >.l)anking Cha.s. rapidly, whih* ho <W'k< vigorously and curtain 
 d rops. ] 
 
 S<'ent'. .Slit-et. 
 
 Pinter .It'ptha. 
 [Carryinix his grip«>. umbcrclla. linen duster, hat. etc.. walks to 
 opijosite side of stage. l(K)king l)ack just as iK)liceman enters after 
 him. They \h){\\ run out and soon appear on entrance side again, 
 running pretty lively. .Jep. having dro|)ped every thing but his 
 linen (luster. They disappear and come thn»ugh again just as 
 fast as tlieii- legs c;in carry them. .lep giving a deafening yell 
 ■Mi>t as he clears the stage. |)oliceman close at his hi-cls. 
 
 <,HMCK CURTAIN. 
 o 
 
 ACT 111. 
 SCENE: Unniu in Cornstalk's home. Table in l ke corner, iron 
 safe inop|)osih'. Two chairs and ot lu'r Miital)!e |)roperly. .Sui- 
 posed to be dark, one light i>urning on lal)le. I'oot-lights all 
 -,t.| 
 
 Enler Cnnistalk. 
 lThr(»wiii«; aside his o\ei-eoal. wraps. «'te.] Well. I've had a 
 loii^i w«>ari.s(ime t rip to-day. I)ut 1 disi)ose(l of my cattle at a 
 rea.soiiable price and having got the cash for 'em. of course, feel 
 pretty well satisfied. I think 
 
 Wifes voice. 
 [Outside.) .hdiii. siii)p«r's ready. 
 
 Corn: .Ml liuln. -lane be there in a mirmteor two. [Loud 
 
 knocking at door. | Come in. 
 
 Enter .leji. 
 
 I in latter-s I 
 
20 THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 
 
 Corn: [Much alarmed.] Well, Ge*f WhiHlkeDs. Jeptha. be 
 this y(m or your dead twin brother, eb"? [Advances slowly with 
 extended hand.] 
 
 Jep: It's me. farmer, it's me: don't become alarmed at my 
 clothes- -the result of an unfortunate encounter with a tramp 
 whose pugilistic knowledge and bodily strength so greatly out 
 done mine as to enable him to use s^>me very extranrdinary 
 persuasive power toward me. 
 
 Corn: [Opening his eyes wide and staring at Jep.] You don't 
 mean to say you have been robbed of your own clothes? 
 
 Jep: Oh. no, no. the fellow didn't rob me — he just gave me 
 lii actual lesson in the charitable act. called, --giving and receiv- 
 ng.- 
 
 Corn: .Strange, indeed. 
 
 Jep: Yes, he received my clothes and gave me these. [Looks 
 tt clothes attentively.] 
 
 Corn: Well. I'll be hanged. 
 
 Jep: No. he's the man that will be hanged if he goes on in 
 this business. 
 
 Corn: Well, never mind the matter. Jep. Come in and iici.< 
 -upper with me. I'm glad you're getting back to old Missouri 
 iw'aiu. 
 
 Jep: I'm much obliged to you. farmer, but I must decline as 
 I am expected home to-night, and if I don't push on. Matilda 
 will be uneasy alxmt me. Fact is. farmer. I want to lx)rrow 
 three hundred d.^ilars: you told Jake you had it tosixire me if I 
 needed it. and of course, y-^'^ w,,nT .li^r.-irp rii.^ fact that I need it 
 now. ehy 
 
 Corn: Well. I should ex-quiveicate lo say you needed some- 
 thing. Yes. Jep. 1 have the money for you. Jest be seated 
 till I unlock the safe and get it. [Goes to safe and fumbles a 
 few seconds, getting up saying:] By the way. need not go to the 
 tmubleof opening the safe- -I've ju.st got the three hundred 
 here that I received to-day for a bunch of cattle which i drove 
 up town and .sold to Mose Hayes. [Finds roll of bills and gives 
 to Jeptha:] There, now. old boy- - jes keep the interest paid up 
 and use it as long as you want to. 
 
 Jep: [Putting it in pocket] Thank yon very muck, but 1 
 will need it only a short time and will Sfw'u return it to you. [To 
 audience.] I don't think. 
 
'HIE MlSbiOl/Jil El) I Ton. 31 
 
 Jep; Aft J -aid before, farmer, 1 have iiol a rninute U) Icxjhc. 
 [Gives hand.] G<ir»d-by for the present— come up and »cc mc 
 when convenient. [Exit;*. C. i>.] 
 
 Corn. Well, prxjr .Jep: he kxiks like he'd been takin In the 
 sights of New York- in fact, IrK>ks like he'd brunj^ simie of *em 
 home with hirij. [Turns liglit down and exits. !1 2. PTI 
 
 Enter Burglars. 
 [Two burglars, masked, they steadily draw r«;volvers, a dark 
 lantern and a few t^K>is. L^xjk all aroutid. decide that everything 
 is O. K. and prcxreed to crack the safe. One keeps waU^h, the 
 other goes t^) drilling on the safe dfxjr. A noise is made outside. 
 They jump toward the dfX)r with drawn revolvers. No other In- 
 terference, they proceed with the wo*-k and blow open the safe, 
 draw a bunch of keys quickly, opjen drawer in safe, grab a njJl of 
 money and make for the dfx»r. at this Instance the fanner runs 
 in shfKjts twice, the last burglar is seen to drop a pistol as he 
 disappears. Farmer runs and picks it up, alsfi something else, 
 ?oes to light, lf>f)ks and discovers it to be a little finger which he 
 
 IS .shoot off.] 
 
 Corn: Be gosh- he got my money and I got his finger; but no 
 time must be lost- - I must go In pursuit at once. V\\ have 
 
 the officer^ ^ -^ -^ ••■'■•'•■■'• f";-: '•' ;is street curtain 
 
 droijs.] 
 
 .SCK.NK 11. .vri;KLT. 
 Enter Constable R 
 Enter Harry. 
 [They meet and shake hands.] 
 
 Constable: TllJs is the luckiest nifetir:?/ T*v^' had with Vf.ti ^ilnr*' 
 
 >u were appointed my deputy. 
 
 Harr}': Yes - - what's tip? 
 
 Constable: A farmer three miles north of here was robbed to- 
 night- -not two hours agr>^ - burglars entered his rrxmis, blowe<] 
 the safe, g^jit his money — .sf»rae Ihr^ " \\\\w:\vt(\ df)fl:irs anr] (,xn- 
 promissory note for two hundred. 
 
 Harry; Any other ciu.'.^i to work onr 
 
 Constable f Yes. the Ust one I ever heard of. [Feels in pocket] 
 This flfiger here was shot frf»in the hand of one of the fellows by 
 the farmer, I'll keep the finger, but you can remember it and be 
 guided in your arrest thereby. Xow you go east of town and I'lf 
 ^ake the west road— keei • - ' '»pen and be care' ' *^ - 
 
22 THE MISSOURI EDITOR. ■ 
 
 don't run a surprise on you and lay you out. So long. Remember 
 tlie Hnger. [Exit, L.] 
 
 Harry: Well, this is what suits me— I'll show that officer that 
 I am on to my job when it comes to catching criminals. But, by 
 the way, I heard that my old friend and protector, the editor. Is 
 expected home to-night, and I am so anxious to see him and learn 
 if he's forgotten the lad who stole the loaf of bread and was de- 
 fended by him in tiis office. He will hardly recognize me, I am 
 thinking. But to my duty. 1 must win honors to-night. [Exit. 
 R.] As street curtain rises.] 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 A road through a forest. No lights. Everything showing 
 appearance of a lonely spot in the woods at mid-night. 
 
 Enter Jep. 
 [Trudging along slowly as if feeling his way in the dark. Two 
 fellows are concealed behind rocks. They draw revolvers.] Sk>w 
 traveling, but it's only a mile or less more to go, and I'll be home 
 once more. No wonder that poor harmless tramp was so affected 
 at hearing that old heart-stirring song— "-Home Sweet 
 
 Burglars: [Jump at him with drawn revolvers, calling out:] 
 Who are you, and where are you going, you sneaking cur— 
 
 Jep: [Trying to keep away from the one who nd varices toward 
 him.] Oh! you know me— you are the scoundrel that ro!)!)ed \\w 
 of my clothes twelve hours ago and now you shall return them. 
 [Throws down valise and makes for the burglar.] [liuiglar 
 dodSes by, atid as he starts to run, shoots back at Jep. The 
 latter grabs his hatid [his own hand] examine bis wound, howling 
 with pain. Just then a shot is heard n(>ar entrance, as last 
 burglar vStarts out. He is dragged back by constable, who runs, 
 dragging burglar to editor. Draws revolver on him and com- 
 mands him to surrender. Hand-cuffs him and turiis to Jep. 
 Examines hand and finds it bleeding, being minus little finger.] 
 
 Constable: So you got the farmer's money if you did loose a 
 finger, did you? Well, we'll see that you get something else— 
 about ten years, for instance 
 
 Jep: Sir, you talk in riddles. I don't understand what you're 
 driving at. 
 
 Constable: None of your fooling! Up with your hands and 
 be searched. [Goes through pockets, finding $300.] Ah, where 
 did you get that? 
 
 Jep: 1 - I - I got it from a friend in tiie country, only a few 
 
THE MISSOURI EDITOR. 23 
 
 hours ago; he loaned it to rae, sir. 
 
 Constable: Quite kind, wasn't lie? Well you're the man I 
 want. One finger off, $300 in cash and a note — which I havn't 
 got yet, but will proceed to get. [Hand-cuffs editor, and goes 
 toward burglar, ]lIold up, here— where's that note, you vagalxmd 
 
 out with it— Oh, you're other wise engaged with your nands. 
 
 Well, I'll help you. [Seasches and finds note.] 
 
 Jep: Sir, there's some mistake here: that man and his partner 
 who ran away when you came up, had already robbed me of my 
 clothes, and were in the act of assulting rae again as you came up. 
 I have done nothing against the law. 
 
 Constable: Very nice, reasonable story, indeed. [Turns to 
 burglar.] What were you and your partner shooting at as I came 
 up. eh? 
 
 Burg; Ho [points to Jeptha] refused to divide up that $300 
 you just found on him. 
 
 Constable: A nice partner you have, indeed. Well, I'll put 
 3'ou both wliere you'll have no more quarrels like this. 
 
 Jep: I protest against such atrocious scheming against an 
 innocent man. I never saw that rogue before untill to-day when 
 lie and his partner robbed me of my clothes, and as far as robbing 
 any one. I never 
 
 Constable: Oh. draw in your wind and make tracks toward 
 town. [Pulls him out and makes them walk before him.] 
 
 Jep: Yes, but my poor Matilda. 
 
 Constable: Never mind Matilda or Martha Ann, or anyone 
 else. March! 
 
 Jep: [As he walks out.] In old Missouri once more. 
 SCENE Y. 
 Printing otflce— same MS first. Robt. seated at table resting 
 face in hands. Jake wal <ing up and down stage with bowed head 
 
 Jake: I say, Robert, there is something wrong about this 
 matter. I can never believe t li;it .lopth!> corn nil t ted that robbery. 
 (Continues to walk ) 
 
 Robert: (Rising.) I am just like you. Jake; yet there is such 
 a chain of circumstantijil evidence linked around him, that I fear 
 we shall have a hard time getting him out of it. 
 
 Jake: Well, I'm in favor of doing all we possibly can, and that 
 
 at once. ff)r you know this law business costs money and 
 
 Enter Constable. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 016 103 391 1 S 
 
 10,000 PLAYS FOR SALE! 
 
 We can furnish you any play that is published in 
 this country, as cheap as you can buy them anywhere. 
 
 We are also headquarters for everything- in the line 
 Wig-s, Mustaches, Whiskers, Grease Paints, Burnt 
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 line of Make-up Materials. 
 MANUSCRIPTS WANTED. Correspondence Solicited. 
 
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016 103 391 1 ^