NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. The Famous Brown vs. Brown Separate Maintenance Case Price, 25 Cents l&I^^^S COPYRIGHT. 1889. BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. Jl* W* Pinero's Plays Price, 50 e;ent$ €acb THP AMA7nM^ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- lilJLt Alflrl^V/ltiJ nialos. Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a fixll evening. TUr rAKIMFT MIlMIQTrD Farce in Pour Acts. Ten Infi LAJtSliXLl lYllINldlLK males, nine females. Cos tomes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays af ull evening- riANnY rifPlf Farceln Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 1/ Alii/ 1 l/iV^IV, males. Costumes, modern; scenery, two inte- riors. Plays two hours and a half. TUI7 r* AV f Ann HITFY comedy in Four Acts. Pourmales, IIlEi U/\l Li\JI\U VIKJLaA. ten females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. UTC UAITCl? IM r\Dni7D Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, nlD HUUDL in UKUbK t,.A,r fe-'males. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. TUV Un^'PV UODQI? Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, IJtlEi m/DUl ni/IVOCi five fem;iles. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. iniC Drama in Five Alvs. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, i**'^ modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. ht males, se modern ; seen- LADY BOUNTIFUL j:zl^''"c::^;.^!^r^''''^''' ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. I FTTY ^•"^'^''^ ^^ Four Acts and an Epilogne. Ten males, five i^*-«lil females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a full evening. THF M API^TR ATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, inCi ITIAUIO 1 IV A 1 El fo„r females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. Sent prepaid on?* rfeceipt of price by Wulttv ?|. JIafeer & Companj> No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts The Famous Brown vs. Brown Separate Maintenance Case A Woman's Suffragette Mock Trial By LILIAN CLISBY BRIDGHAM BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1912 T'sfe '-^^1 The Famous Brown vs» Brown Separate Maintenance Case CHARACTERS Mrs. ]BNKS,j2^d£^e. Mrs. Clark, c/eri. Mrs. Oliver, coiir/ crier. Mrs. Burnham, district attorney. Miss Lincoln, defendant's counsel. Mrs. Elizabeth Brown, plaintiff. Mrs. Sarah Whitil, J)laintiff' s jnother. Mrs. BxjRTON.plainttf's sister. Mrs. Currier, plaintiff's chum. Mrs. Harriet Brown, defendant's mother. Miss Adams, delicatessen store bookkeeper. Leonard Brown, defendant. James Morton, ya«z7^r. Kenneth Baker, telegraph boy. Ethel Burton, ) . , . , ., . Randolph Clark, \ '««^^^^^^«^ children, Mrs. Edith J^i.PlK^, forewoman of jury. JURY Mrs. Leavitt, Mrs. Carson, Mrs. Siders, Miss Blaine, Mrs. Keating, Mrs. Dorman, Mrs. Hodge, Mrs. Cabot, Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Morton, Mrs. Forrest, REJECTED JURORS Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson, Miss McDonald, Mrs, Kent. Copyright, 191 2, by Walter H. Baker & Co. Preface In this little play I have tried to keep just the forms actually used in our Massachusetts courts. My ten years of experience as a law stenographer took me into nearly every court-house in this state as well as several of the other states, and gave me a familiarity with court proceedings that was a great help in writing this mock trial. There are of necessity many characters, but if it was desir- able to give the play with a smaller cast, the two children, the janitor, and Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson and Miss McDonald of the rejected jurors could be omitted. The ladies should wear pretty gowns, the plaintiff's mother, a stout, rather elderly woman, should be dressed flashily. The judge, clerk, crier and members of the jury wear no hats, but the counsel and witnesses do, as they are supposed to be in the court but for a short time. If the play is to be given before a local audience it is all right to use all of the local hits and jokes that are given in the following pages ; but if given before a gathering of people from different places this would hardly be wise as they would not understand local hits. In case the jokes are used it is almost imperative that the consent of the persons named should be obtained. Considerable trouble might be made if this was not done. It is suggested that the part of the plaintiff be taken by a well-known unmarried woman of middle age, and that of the defendant by a young fellow about twenty or twenty-five. In the original production of the play, which was given under the direction of an experienced coach, assisted by the author, each member of the cast except the plaintiff's mother and the defendant's mother (these two used their own given names) used their own names. Whenever the clerk or either counsel address the judge they stand and face her, and during examination of witnesses the counsel stand, but when challenging the jury or asking an occasional question of any witness they may remain seated. The crier pounds her table with gavel when there is any dis- turbance in court, when any one speaks out of turn or when 4 PREFACE there is prolonged applause in the audience, but she remains seated. After the acceptance of the last juror the janitor shuffles into the room and removes the empty chairs. He is peeking in at the door listening to the witnesses at the two times when he speaks. The jury eat chocolates and peanuts and work on fancy-work throughout the trial. The plaintiff and her mother also eat candy. The judge may wear a gown, but it is not necessary. She should be seated on a small platform above the level of the rest of the stage. There should be several mirrors hanging on the walls back of the stage. Each member of the jury should be provided with a wire hairpin which she should have in her hair where it could easily be got at. It would be of great help in staging the play if the one coaching it could visit a jury session of the nearest court and see just how a real court is conducted. If an intermission is required, during which to sell refresh- ments, it could be held just before the arguments of the coun- sel. The judge could say, " Oh, I promised to call up some of my chums on the 'phone at this time so I order a recess for fifteen minutes, at the close of which we will listen to the arguments." As there are so many characters in the play it would be well to have four or five rehearsals with the jury alone, and four or five with the witnesses alone before full rehearsals are attempted. Borrow a few statute books from a lawyer and place them across the front of the clerk's desk. She can then keep an open book of the play before her and easily prompt any who need it. The judge could do the same. The Famous Brown vs. Brown Separate Maintenance Case SCENE. — The stage represents a court roo7n in its arrange- ments. If scenery can be employed, so much the better, but a bare stage will suffice if its furniture be disposed as fol- lows : At R. in the back wall should be the entrance for the public ; at l. /'// the back wall is that for the Judge, Clerk and Crier. Between these two doors should be placed the desk of the Judge ivith his chair behind it, and directly in front and belo7v him the seat and table of the Clerk of the Court. At the right end of this table is the chair of the District Attorney, and at the left end that of the Defend- ant's Counsel. At the right of the ]vDG\i's and C\.1£.kk!s desks and slightly dowfi stage between thetn is the witness- stand. The witnesses are seated in chairs placed at L. of the stage so that they have to pass across the front of the stage to their stand as they are wanted. Opposite to them, at r. of stage, are the chairs in which are seated the fury, in three rows, 7vith the foretvoman in the lower cortier seat nearest the audience. Just belo7V her and in the ex- treme right-hand corner of the stage is the seat of the Crier of the court. The witnesses are placed in itvo rows, the Plaintiff with her tvitnesses in the rear row, the De- fendant and his in the front. The rejected jurytnen retire up near the public entrance after their appearance. A few hints from any local legal light will serve to give the stage setting the proper air of reality and reasonableness. Enter r. b. D. C. with his witnesses, his mother and the bookkeeper, folloived sheepishly by Deft. D. C. Well, I declare, if we aren't the first ones here. Yes (^pointing), you sit there. {Aside.) If there is one thing I simply despise it is to defend a man, but as this one promised me a clear tiiousand if I got him off I thought I'd make a good try for it. (^Whispers to witnesses.') O BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE Enter D. A., Pltff. and her witnesses, all looking confident of victory. D, A. (Jo Pltff.). Well, if I couldn't win a case against that old maid and a little whipper-snapper of a man, I would sell out my entire law practice and become an organizer of Woman's Suffrage Clubs. You will have to sit in those back seats. {To D. C.) Oh, good-morning. Miss Lincoln. (D. C. bows and takes her seat.') D. C. Good-morning, Mrs. Burnham. I'll warrant you won't feel so chipper when I get my defense all in. D. A. {shrugging shoulders'). Well, time will tell. But I do hope for your sake that you got your fee in advance. Enter Mrs. Leavitt, Mrs. Siders and Mrs. Keating, who say to each other. Mrs. L. I do wish to goodness I had been on the jury last week instead of this. A new family is moving into tlie next house and now I shan't know what kind of furniture they have. Mrs. Siders. Well, it certainly is a tremendous help to be forewarned about new neighbors. Now when Mrs. moved in the house opposite me I happened to see that they had Smyrna rugs {sneering), so of course I made up my mind not to call on them. Mrs. Keating. Horrors ! If I haven't gone and put my foot into it. I met her at the {name local building) the other day and actually asked her to join the {name local organiza- tion). {All whisper disgustedly together in their seats. ) Enter Mrs. Dorman, Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Cabot and Mrs. Kent. Mrs. D. Do you know, the minister's wife had on a new dress at the {name local affair of recent date). Mrs. Steele. Well, I call that pretty extravagant when her last year's dress isn't half worn out yet. Goodness me ! What is the world coming to when ministers' wives have as many dresses as other folks ? Mrs. Cabot. I'm sure I don't know; but it is perfectly scandalous about her new hat. Wliy, she only wore that last one three summers and our last minister's wife always wore hers at least four. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 7 Mrs. Kent. Yes ; and she gave me a cake recipe last week that called for three eggs. Can you beat that ? (^All whisper together. ) Enter Mrs. Forrest and Mrs. Carson. Mrs. F. I am nearly frantic about my babies. I know they'll get poisoned or something terrible. I am just going to get excused and go right straight home. Mrs. Carson. Well, it's all I can do to look after my family without having to settle other people's troubles ; and it does seem to me that, considering there are so many women in {iiame city) who just love to pry into other folks' affairs, it was a dirty mean trick to put a home body like me on the jury. {They whisper together.') Enter Miss McDonald and Miss Blaine. Miss McD. Well, this is a pretty good imitation of a mar- ried woman's caucus, isn't it ? Miss B. It will be a miracle if they don't reject us two unprotected females. I don't believe they would dare put me out for there is hardly a woman in the bunch but has had a child in my room at school that I could tell some rather inter- esting yarns about. Little imps I ( Whisper together.) Enter Mrs. Howell, Mrs. Hudson and Mrs. Blake. Mrs. Hov^^ell. Yes, I've got all my housecleaning done, but it was as much as my life was worth. You know Mrs. (jiame prominent woman of the city) lives near me and she runs in at least five times a day. {Shrugs shoulders.) Of course you all know what that means. Mrs. Hudson. Well, rather. Doesn't Mrs. {name local favorite) live next me? {Names husband's first name) says he found out that she hates yellow cats, and he vows he's going to lay in a dozen. Mrs. Blake. Well, that's nothing to my predicament. I bought a pair of shoelacings of a pedler last month, and do you know, — he must have told every pedler in the state, for I have been so pestered nith pedlers from morning to ni^ht that I am nearly insane and am really afraid we shall have to move. C BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE (^All whisper together.^ Enter Mrs. Hodge and Mrs. Morton. Mrs, Hodge. Oh, dear, we're the last. Well, I met Mrs. {tiavie young fuoiher of the neighborhood'), and of course she had to tell me all about the baby's last toofies. Mrs. M. Well, 1 just intended being last. You attract so much more attention if everybody is waiting for you. Enter from entrance L. B. the Clerk and Crier. Crier stops in c. of stage until she sees Judge begin to opeii door — only a few seconds — and amiounces. Crier. The Court. (^Every one stands at once and re- mains standing until close of the Crier's call. Judge stands at his desk 7vhile Crier calls. Crier, very loudly.') Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! All women and otherwise desiring to say something to this Superior Court of Woman's Rights draw near and give your attention and you shall be heard. Only don't all talk at once. {Name popular politician) save the women of (jiame state). {All are seated, fussing a good deal over dresses.) Judge. The clerk will now call the trial list. Clerk. Commonwealth of Massachusetts {or local) vs. (jiame local lumber dealer) for refusing to give trading stamps. D. C. May it please Your Honor, I represent this defend- ant and would say that he is now in the Sandvvicli Islands with a cargo of lumber donated by {name local organization) for the purpose of building a huge department store. You see one of the native women recently got hold of a copy of the Delineator and that means trouble for the Sandwich men. And as Mr. will not return for some weeks I would most respect- fully ask for a continuance of this case for two months. Mrs. Blake. Well, it strikes me that if this organization has any lumber to give away they had better do some home missionary work and build a new ladies' parlor for them- selves. Why, there is only room {or four mirrors in this one. Crier. Silence in the court room. Judge. Madam Clerk, you may continue this case. Mr. is a most considerate husband, going off on many busi- ness trips each year leaving his good wife free and untrammeled. He is what I call a real gentleman. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 9 Clerk. {Name state) vs. {name local milk dealer') for sneak- ing milk bottles from doorsteps of innocent persons with and without tops in the dark hours of night. I have a letter from this defendant, Your Honor, in which he expresses exceeding great penitence, and faithfully promises that {reading letter) " if only your gracious and most excellent Honor will overlook thif one offense he will never, never, never do it again." Judge. Well, considering the fact that the defendant is an exceplioaally fine-looking man, and further considering the fact tliat the aforesaid Mr. gives me a quart of dandy heavy- cream every Christmas, this case will be forthwith placed on file. Next. Clerk. {Name state) vs. {name a popular young man, giv- ing initials of first 71am e). Judge. That sounds very familiar, but I cannot seem to place him. Who is he, anyway? Didn't I send him up for ten days once last year ? Clerk. Oh, he's Dr. {or professor or lawyer ; give name in full), since he left college. Judge. Oh, him ! Well, you may refer that case to the Juvenile Cotut. Clerk. {State) on complaint of Elizabeth Brown vs. Leonard Brown. D. A. I {standing together and saying in unison'). We stand D. C. I ready for trial. Your Honor. Clerk. The defendant will stand. {Jury glares at him. ^ You are charged with desertion and non-support of your faith- ful and adoring wife. What do you say ; are you guilty or not guilty? Deft. Why, I supposed that flock of cacklers over there {pointing to jury) was to find that out. {Jury indignant.) Judge {to Clerk). You may enter a plea of not guilty. You will now impanel the jury. Clerk {drawing slip of paper from a box on Judge's desk, readins^). Mrs. Howell. {She stands.) D. A. May it please Your Honor, this woman is a widow, anxiously looking for her fourth. She would be desperately flirting with the defendant within ten minutes, and 1 most cer- tainly object to her. Judge. You are excused. Mrs. Howell. Well, I never. And I gave up a matinee bri;]ge party for this. Well, next year I shall insist upon being on the Board of Aldermen instead of the old jury. \^Exit. 10 BROWN VS. BROWN SiiPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE Deft. It's a wonder she didn't call it the Board of Alder- wovien. Crier. Silence in the court room. Clerk. Mrs. Blake. D. C. Do you darn your husband's socks? Mrs. Blake. Yes. {^Hesitates.') Both ways. (^Aside.') You can just bet your boots I wouldn't if I could afford to throw the old things away every week. D. C. Perfectly satisfactory. Clerk. Mrs. Siders. Mrs. Siders. Present or accounted for. D. A. Have you any use for the men ? Mrs. Siders. Well, hardly, except to fork out the cash. • D. A. {imitating D. C). Perfectly satisfactory. Clerk. Mrs. Forrest. Mrs. ¥. {looking at both counsel, arid after a pause says'). Won't somebody please object to me? D \ ) ■pj' p" V {m unison'). Why should we object to you? Mrs. F. Well, I don't care who hears me. I love ray hus- band ; I love my babies, and I love my home ; and I don't care if those horrid Suffragettes do say hateful things about me for it. I don't want to serve on any old jury, or board of health, or police force or city department, so I don't. I just want to stay at home and mind my own business. And it would be better for the rest of the world if every decent woman would do the very same thing. So there ! Jury {iti unison). Put her out. We don't want her. D. C. I appeal to Your Honor to not grant this impudent request. Why, it is preposterous for a sane woman to prefer making a housemaid and a nurse-girl of herself to obeying her country's call, D. A. {the second D. C. stops). And, Your Honor, it is just such women who need to be forced to study tlie example that noble, self-sacrificing women like ourselves {puffing her- self out) set for her. D. A. I {in unison). We certainly do object to objecting to D. C. J her. Judge. I admire the sentiments of my sisters in the law. Madam, take your seat. Mrs. F. Oh, my poor, dear babies. I just know they'll get cold, or swallow some buttons, or Norah'U drop them, or Crier. Silence in the court room. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE I I Clerk. Mrs. Steele. D. C. Have you any children ? Mrs. Steele. No ; but I have three dogs, four cats and a parrot. D. C. You'll do. Clerk. Mrs. Carson. D. A. Do you have your husband wash the dishes at least four times a week ? Mrs. Carson. Well, rather; if I can get him to stay at home from the club that many nights. D. A. Splendid. You're all right. Clerk. Mrs. Hudson. D. C. Is it not a fact that the defendant jilted you before he married the plaintiff? Mrs. Hudson (Jiesitaiing, then Jerking out). Yes, he did. The viper ! And you just wait until I tell you how contemptibly mean he was about it. He Judge (interrupting her). Step one side, madam. You are absolutely impossible. Mrs. Hudson {aside as she leaves rooni). Oh, well ! I don't care a snap. I had ten times rather go to a moving pic- ture show. Mrs. Carson. I guess that's a case of sour grapes all right, for she told me yesterday that she was just crazy to hear Eliza- beth's testimony. Crier. Silence in the court room. Clerk. Mrs. Morton. D. A. Didn't the defendant defeat your husband in the last mayorality contest? Mrs. M. Oh, well ; I don't care if he did. I am always tickled to death to see that man licked. D. A. Well, so am I ; so if that is the case you are O. K. Clerk, Miss McDonald. D. A. Did I understand the clerk to say Miss? Clerk. Yes'm. D. A. Well, you had better trot right along to some place that misses you more than we will. A lot you would know about the troubles of a man and wife ; besides one old maid is all this court can stand at a time. (Looks at D. C.) Miss McD. (going out). Well, all I can say is, it is cer- tainly very singular that when you are so opposed to the men you should think every blessed woman should be hilchcd to one. , \_Exit. 12 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE Crier. Silence in the court room. Clerk. Mrs. Hodge. D. A. Did you vote to abolish men on the school board at the last election ? Mrs, Hodge. Well, I should smile. D. A. You're all right. Clerk. Mrs. Keating. D. C. Are you bringing up your lovely daughters to be Suffragettes ? Mrs. Keating. Well, I should say so. What do you take me for? D. C. You're all right. (^Imitates D. A. in inflection.') Clerk. Mrs. Kent. D. C. Have you fulfilled your duty as an American citizen by voting at every election since you had the power? Mrs. Kent. Well {thinking), all but twice. Once I had a dressmaker, and the other time {Thinks very hard and rubs her head.) Oh, I remember. {Name large city store) had a mark down sale of one dollar and a iialf gloves for one dollar and forty-eight cents, and I simply couldn't resist it. D. C. Well, we certainly can resist you. (Tt? Judge.) I object to her, Your Honor. Mrs. Kent. Object to me 1 Well, a lot I care for your old objections, Mary Lincoln. I rather guess after I've given up half a dozen engagements to come here I'll stay to the finish. Why, I just love to be right on the spot when anybody is being talked about. {Sits down and talks with those near her excitedly. ) Judge. Madam ! (Mrs. Kent pays no heed to her.) Woman ! (Judge stands up and leans toward Mrs. Kent indignantly.) Mrs. Kent {sweetly). Oh, were you talking to me? My name is Mrs. Kent. Wife of Charles Kent, the hardware dealer. {Or gives husband's occupation. ) Judge. I take the greatest possible pleasure in sustaining my sister's objection, and unless you leave the room at once I shall have you bodily ejected and fined for contempt of court. Mrs. Kent. What! {Tosses her head.) Well, you just wait until you want to borrow my chafing-dish again, and you won't get it. The very idea ! when I gave up everything just BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1 3 for the fun of voting against a man, and I am simply dying to hear Elizabeth Brown testify. Judge (^furious). Will the officer please remove this person? (Crier starts for Mrs. Kent with gavel upraised.^ Mrs. Kent {as Crier almost reaches her'). Person, indeed ! Well, I'll go, but I shall tell my dear friend {tiame wife of chief of police or chairman of selectmen) and she will tell her husband, and Irather guess that there'll be something doing then. \^Exit, slamming the door. Judge. Will some one please turn off the heat? It's grown uncomfortably warm in here the past few minutes. (Crier pretends to do so.) Clerk. Miss Blaine. D. A. (to Clerk). Have you the nerve to have two old maids in that box? Clerk (looking in box). Well — er — er — I — that is — you see D. C. May it please Your Illustrious Honor, that lady is an unmarried woman, it is true, but she is a member of the Woman's Suffrage Club, the Free Thinkers and the Men Haters and the Old Maid Forever Clubs, and I think that even my distinguished opponent should be satisfied with that. Miss B. I would have you both understand I am not an old maid, but a bachelor girl — and I'm not that because I have to be. D. A. May I ask my learned opponent the difference be- tween an old maid and a bachelor girl. (Looks in statute book.) I fail to find anything about it in the statutes. D. C. I am truly delighted to oblige you. A bachelor girl (pointing to herself with a conceited smile) glories in her state, while an old maid (shrugging shoulders) hates it. Miss B. Bravo, Miss Lincoln. (Then quickly claps hand over fnouth.) Judge (frowning). Proceed with the jury list. The per- son is accepted. Clerk. Mrs. Dorman. (She stands up slowly, crying.) D. A. I (/« unisoii). Well, what on earth is the matter with D. C. ) you ? Mrs. D. (sobbing). I don't want to go anywhere, or do 14 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE anything, or be on anything my sister Em isn't on. We are always together and never separated, and I am sure it would put me into a nervous decline. D. A. Why, where does Mr. Dorman come in? Mrs. D. Oh, he doesn't count. He is a walking delegate. D. A. Well, you'll have to stand it this time. But thank goodness all sisters aren't Siamese twins. Mrs. D. Boo-hoo — I think you are just horrid. Crier. Silence in the court room. Clerk. Mrs. Leavitt. D. C. Have you washed your dishes and swept your house this morning ? Mrs. L. I am glad to say that I have. D. C. That's a real good woman. You'll do all right. Clerk. Mrs. Cabot. D. A. How many woman's clubs do you belong to? Mrs. Cabot. If you please, ma'am, I don't belong to any. It takes every minute of my time to keep my house looking half- way decent. D. A. Well, you are a very foolish woman. A lot you know of what is going on in the world. Mrs. Cabot. Well, I'll have you know that there are a few women in the world who are content to know only what is their immediate business to know. Crier. Silence in the court room. D. A. And I understand from the neighbors that you and your husband live real happily together. What have you to say to that ? Mrs. Cabot. It is perfectly true, thank goodness. D. A. Well, I object to her, Your Honor. Judge. No, you don't. She makes just twelve, and we haven't time for any more objections, so you'll have to put up with her, although I know it is pretty tough ! {^Beckons Clerk to her, and they whisper together. Looks over jury and says aside.) Oh, no. I won't appoint her; she's too young and giddy. {After more whisperifig with Clerk.) No, indeed. She's an awful gossip, {Ditto.) Not much. She belongs to a mother's club. {Ditto.) Her? Hardly. All she can think of is her babies. {Ditto.) No. 67zr give year about five years previous.') D. A. Have you any children ? Wit. No, indeed ! And as mama is much too young to be a grandmother I think it is extremely fortunate. D. A. Did you go right to keeping house as soon as you were married ? Wit. No, we boarded at the {name nearest ultra fashion- able hotel) for two months, but the swells over there never even looked at us, so we just got even with the proprietor for boarding such snobs and left his old hotel and came out here. D. A. Where did you live? Wit. {naming a very undesirable street in the locality). With a little flat — no — I mean in a little flat; but, then, I rather guess I lived with one, too. D. A. Why did you move from there? Wit. There wasn't half room enough for all our company. There was {counting on fingers) my mother, my sister, my chum. Grandma White, my Uncle John and Aunt D. A. Oh, tluit will do for the present. We will take the rest for granted. How did you and your husband get along? Wit. Slick and dandy the first two years, then he com- pletely changed. He didn't want to give in to me all the time, — wouldn't remove his rubbers before enlering tlie house, — insisted upon talking at the table when he knew mama and I liked to do all the talking there, — refused to hook up my princess gowns that fastened up the back and actually tried to BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE I9 prevent my mama from living with me. Oil, yes, and he shut the door in sister's face once. D. A. What a perfectly shocking state of affairs. But did he actually hurt you — act violently toward you, or beat you ? Wit. Yes, he did. He slapped me in the face once. Slapped my face ! D. A. I trust that all present heard that statement. Now as to this desertion on April ist. Will you state the circum- stances that led up to it ? Wit. Sister and her little girl wanted to live with us for five months while her husband was away on business, and Leonard was wild at the idea. He said his house was no homeless females' retreat and that it had got where I could choose be- tween him and them. Imagine ! D. A. When he left home did he give you any money ? Wit. Not a penny ; said he wouldn't until winter. D. A. Oh, he did promise you money next winter then ? Wit. Well, he said it would be a cold day when I saw any of his cash. Skinflint. {Shakes fist at him.') D. A. Did you ever have any evidence that your husband had ceased to love you as a true husband should ? Wit. Yes, I did. When he put on his overcoat to go off on that last day a hairpin — a — dark — brown — hairpin fell from his pocket and I just picked it up before he saw me. D. A. Horrible. Can you describe it ? Wit. Oh, yes, indeed, I should say I could. Why, it has haunted me day and night ever since. It was a horn hairpin ; — one of the kind that is wiggley part way down its sides. I carried it to Professor Wood at Harvard and he said it had been worn in thick, silky, dark-brown hair. That proved beyond a shadow of doubt that it had belonged to a woman. D. A. Have you any idea to whom it belonged ? Wit. (sobbing). Not the least tiny bit. The wretch was too cunning for me. Why, I never dreamed that everything wasn't all right. D. A. (taking handsome box from her bag; taking several wrappings from a small package, finally revealing hairpin suspended by a cord ; holding it up by cord). Is this the hair- pin in question ? Wit. (putting hands to her face to hide emotions ; tak- ing them dozvn and saying). Yes, indeed. I should know it among ten thousand. D. A. May it please Your Honor, I offer this hairpin as 20 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE evidence in the case and have marked it " Exhibit A." {Shotvs to Judge and Jury, who exatnme it closely.^ I think I am through with this witness, Miss Lincoln. Wit. Oh, dear me, more of this rubbering. Well, I don't believe my poor corns will stand it. Cross-Examination D. C. Now, I don't intend asking your age for the simple reason that my guessing apparatus is in pretty good working condition; but you will surely admit that you were a full- fledged bachelor woman when you were married ? Wit. Well, yes ; I suppose I was. But that is none of your affairs that I can see. D. C. {tossing her head). You had enjoyed the bliss of perfect freedom for many happy years ? Wit. {thoughtfully'). Yes — happy years. D. C. Could stay out as late as you liked without dreading to meet a scolding husband trying to find out just where you had been ? Wit. {sighing). Yes. D. C. Could belong to as many clubs as you wanted with- out being nagged about it by a man ; had no one to track mud all over your home, to scent your rooms with horrid tobacco smoke, to swear over lost collar buttons, to ask what on earth you had done with that ten cents he gave you the week before? Wit. (regretfully). True, true. Those were happy days. But why do D. C. (interrupting). Well, after all those years of unfet- tered bliss will you have the goodness to tell me why under the sun you tied yourself down to married life ? Wit. Well, I got tired of it all and got to envying my mar- ried friends. D. C. What ! Wit. Yes, I did. You can talk all you want to about your unfettered bliss. You know just as well as I do, Mary Lincoln, that there are times when an old maid really longs for the pleasure of going to bed without first looking to see if there is a burglar under it ; times when she longs for the satisfaction of having a man to escort her to the theatre, buy her boxes of Huyler's, and bunches of violets, and call her his dear little sweetheart. Oh, it's true. You needn't turn your nose up. .'\nd then, too (7vith emphasis), it isn't every old maid knows how to catch a fine-looking young man. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 21 D. C. Well, of all the consummate nerve. Well, if ever I hanker after the recipe I'll know right where to go for it. Now to get back to this case. You say you lived happily for two years and unhappily for three? {Witness nods her head.') I didn't hear your answer. Wit. Why, I told all that to my counsel. Are you deaf or only thick ? D. C. I want no sauce from you. Answer me correctly. Let me see How long has your mother been with you ? Wit. {loudly). I said before three years. D. C. I trust. Your Honor and the jury, that this coinci- dence sinks deep into the chambers of your minds. In the direct examination you say tiiat the defendant slapped your face. Will you tell the jury the circumstances that led up to this atrocious act ? Wit. Well, I — er — er — I forget. It happened so long ago. D. C. What time did you arise in the morning ? Wit. About nine or ten o'clock. Unless I didn't happen to have a good book to read in bed the night before; in that case I might get up as early as a quarter of nine. D. C. What time did the defendant arise ? Wit. How do you suppose I know ? Why, I have my best sleep in the morning hours. You see when mama came the spare room was so cold and drafty I couldn't think of putting her there, so took her in with me, and she slept as late as I did. D. C. Yes, but where did the defendant sleep ? Wit. Oh 1 the spare room was good enough for him. D. C. Well, who got the defendant's breakfast? Wit. If he was such a crank as to want a breakfast, he could just get it himself. Neither mama nor I believe in eat- ing any breakfast; and you can easily see that there is nothing spindly about ma. {Points to her.) D. C. Just what and when do you eat? Wit. Only a bite in the morning. Didn't even set the table. Just an orange or two, a couple of bananas, a few cups of cof- fee, some rolls and some cakes. Our first meal \'5 at noon. A light lunch of meat, vegetables and dessert from the delicatessen shop. We have five o'clock tea ; some cute little sandwiches, cakes and tea ; really nothing worth mentioning, and the sec- ond meal, our only really hearty one for the day, is a substan- tial six course dinner from {name delicatessen store or bakery). D. C. Anything more? You surely couldn't exist on that meagre fare. 22 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE Wit. Oh, I forgot. Of course we have a light lunch before we go to bed. D. C. So you have five good substantial meals a day and are everlastingly munching sweet stuff, and expected a hard working man to get along on two. Wrr. I said we had two meals a day, and I am under a solemn oath. D. C. Have you a bank account in your own name? Wit. Indeed I have. D. C. Had you one when you were married ? Wit. No. Why? D. C. Where did you get the money ? Wit. Oh, I worked for it. Went fishing. D. C. You worked ? Went fishing ? Wit. Yes. Don't you understand? You see my husband was very careless of his clothes at night, and would throw them all over his room. So after our midnight lunch I would slip into his room, carefully pick them up, smooth them out and place them in order over a chair. Then to get my pay for this I went fishing in his pockets for change. Mama said tliat was a capital idea. D. C. That will do. You are excused. Wit. Well, thank goodness for that. It's a wonder she didn't ask me how much butter I spread on my rolls, or how much sugar I put in my tea. Clerk {aside). But isn't it a mercy there are no children tobe brought up in that bakery-fed, quarrelsome home? Enter Randolph Clark, with old clothes on, and a black eye. Ran. Say, ma, give me a nickel for some doughnuts, will yer? There ain't a bite of grub in the house. Clerk. Randolph Clark ! {Shakes him hard.) What do you mean by coming here like this when I told your pa not to let you out of the house? How did you get that black eye? Ran. Oh, Charles Smith and Paul Burns started to play football with my attic, but I gave them their money's worth all right. You just ought to see them. But I want a nickel. Pa is busted, and says he won't have any money until you give him his next allowance of fifty cents. Clerk {taking hifn by the arm). You just march right straight home to your pa. Wait till I get hold of that man. Ran. But I'm hungry. Nearly starved. We didn't have nothing but fried pork for dinner. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 23 Clerk. I'll hungry you. {Takes him by the ear. ^ You march. \Exii R., crying. D. A. Mrs. Sarah White will next take the stand. (Clerk sivears her, using same oath as with plaintiff.') Give your full name. Wit. Sarah Fisher Ingraham White ; but I won't tell my age if everybody else in the court room does. D. A. You are mother of the plaintiff in this case ? Wit. I am. D. A. When did you first meet the defendant in this case? Wit. In 1896. D. A. State the circumstances. Wit. Oh, he began mooning about Elizabeth during her last year in college. Mrs. M. (aside). She was twenty-two then, and that was sixteen years ago. That is dead easy. Crier. Silence in the court room. D. A. Did you encourage his attentions? Wit. Well, no, I didn't. {Name popular young mail) had kinder been edging around her way, and I liked him ever so much better than I did Leonard, so I just did everything I pos- sibly could to keep him away. Why, I even positively refused to remain in the parlor while Leonard was courting her. D. A. Urn. After your daughter became engaged to him did he make any promises to you? Wit. Yes ; he said he would do almost anything on earth if I would only promise to spend one afternoon a month with them. But laws ; they got married, so I made up my mind to make the best of it, so I told him I was perfectly willing to give them much more of my time than that. But even that didn't seem to please him. D. A. Well, how did he treat you after their marriage ? Wit. For the first two years he was very good — for a man. D. A. And then? Wit. He turned completely around. D. A. What do you consider was the cause of this ? Wit. I really cannot for the life of me imagine. D. A. When and why did you go to live there? Wit. In 1909. (^Make it three years ago.) Elizabeth was getting to look real peeked ; I suppose because she was left to herself so much ; so, fearing she would go into a decline unless something was done to chirk her up, I left my happy home, 24 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE and sacrificed all my personal ambitions to cheer my darling girlie's lonely hours. D. A. I see. Most kind and motherly of you. Can you describe the home life of your daughter and son-in-law ? Wit. Well, the past three years nothing that Elizabeth said or did seemed to suit hini, and I could see there was trouble ahead, — ^just exactly what I prophesied before they were mar- ried. I did all that a conscientious mother could to avert it, and lost no oi)portunity to advise, admonish and correct him, and lead him along the straight and narrow path. D. A. Was the plaintiff always a loving and devoted wife to him ? Wit. a perfect model, ma'am. You see /brought her up. D. A. And how did he return her affections ? Wit. He called me names, ordered me to leave his home, refused to pay me a weekly allowance, and in fact vented the entire venom of his spite upon poor, inoffensive me. Why, he even called me the old cat. D. A. Oh, well ; that may have been his way of calling the plaintiff Puss. Wit. Well, I thank you just as much, but I don't seem to appreciate that sort of back-handed compliment. D. A. But did he treat you violently ? Wit. Yes, he did. He knocked me all over the house. D. A. Well, you are excused so far as I am concerned. Ckoss-Examination D. C. You say he knocked you all over the house? Wit. That's what I said. D. C. Tell me, how much does he weigh ? Wit. About one hundred and twenty pounds. D. C. And how much do you weigh? Wit. Oh, I assure you his weigh and my weigh are dif- ferent weighs in many ways. I weigh two hundred even. D. C. Has any of their household furniture been broken or damaged during the past three years? Wit. Not in the least. Why do you ask that? D. C. Your Honor and ladies of the jury, I trust that these contradictory statements sink deeply into the rece.sses of your memory. If a two-hundred-pound weight was knocked all over my house I can see where the junk shop would receive some good-sized packing cases of kindling wood. Well, was BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 2^ it or was it not with the defendant's consent or by his invita- tion that you lived in his home ? Wit. Why — I — er — er D. C. Yes or no, and no er — er — erring. Wit. Oh, that cut no ice with me so long as Elizabeth needed me. D. C. And I suppose she ran the house and everything about it? Wit. Well, if she was a daughter of mine she certainly did. D. C. May I ask — did your husband's mother live with you when you were a bride? Wit. Horrors, no. Of all the cranky, meddling old D. A. {interrupting). May it please Your Honor, I object. The question touches upon matters entirely irrelevant. Judge. I will admit that you stand upon solid ground and sustain your objection, but I would like to have heard the rest of that last sentence. D. C. Well, how did the defendant take your decidedly mother-in-lawish advice, admonition, suggestions, etc. ? Wit. With exceedingly bad grace. Why, one day I saw him with a brilliant orange-colored tie on. I lovingly told him how perfectly hideous and ugly it made him look, but he went to the office with it on. That afternoon I was down to the square, so stopped in {jiame local store) and bought a dream of a lavender one with tiny moss rosebuds sprinkled daintily over it. That night Elizabeth burned up the orange-colored one and put the new one in its place. Would you believe it ! The next morning we found the new one torn in shreds on his floor, and that night he came home wearing a new orange- colored one ! Janitor. Oh, I'll bet on him all right. \^Quick exit. D. C. Ungrateful wretch ! and you wasted half a dollar on him. Wit. Oh, no ; it was a quarter, and I charged it to him. That makes me think — he hasn't paid Mr. {local) for it yet. D. C. Well, when the head of the house {Witness starts to deny.) Well, the man who paid the bills, then — ordered you to leave why didn't you ? Wit. Madam ! If you think I am the kind of a mother who will let an insignificant puppy of a man separate me from my darling daughter you have another guess coming. D. C. In the direct examination you testified that you gave 26 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE Up your happy home and your own personal ambitions. Where did you live ? Wit. On (jicime undesirable street). D. C. With whom ? Wit. With a widower. (Speaks with some hesitation.) D. C. (shocked). A widower, and not related to him? Wit. {hesitatifig). Well, if you must have it I kept house for him. He liked my method of keeping house and wanted me so much I finally consented to work for him. D. C. Wanted you so much ! And yet some one has said, *' Man wants but little here below." (Looks her over.) Well, where is he now ? Wit. I don't know, ma'am. He's dead, D. C. When did he die? Wit. Three years ago. D. C. So you lost your job ; had no other home, so went sponging on your son-in-law. And that was how you broke up your happy home ! Wit. I don't like this old court and I'm just a-going home. It's time to put on the potatoes, anyway. D. C. Well ! I guess that is about the easiest way to get rid of you. You may go. (She bounces off stage.) D. A. Mrs. Blanche Burton, take the stand, please. (Sworn by Clerk.) May I ask if you are related to the plaintiff? Wit, Yes'm. We are sisters. D. A. It has been testified that you were the cause of the separation of this loving couple, because you and your daugh- ter insisted upon spending a few months with them during your husband's absence. What have you to say in regard to this outrageous accusation ? Wit. Why, I only wanted to make their home our head- quarters while I visited with friends a day or two each week, and Roy made an awful fuss. D. A. What did he say ? Wit. He accused my little darling of being worse than a whole army of boys. He said he would rather have a whole regiment of high school cadets (or name local organization of boys) at his home than my little Ethel — and she is tlie gentlest creature on earth ; never making a bit of trouble and winning friends everywhere. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 1"] Enter Ethel Burton, screaming and stamping. Ethel. Ma-ma ! Ma-ma ! I want my ma-ma ! Wit. Why, there's my sweetheart now. What do you want, dear? Ethel. I don't want you to stay in this horrid old place any longer. I've made dolls' clothes out of my best coat; broke the telephone because Central wouldn't answer me; picked all the leaves from {iiame some popular lady) rubber plants ; let {jiaine another lady) canary from the cage and lost it ; cut all the pictures from {iiame another lady) new book that she loaned you, and now I can't find anything else to do and you've just got to come right straight home and amuse me. Come along. Now! {Sta7nps foot.) Wit. {to Judge and jury). You really must excuse me. My precious darling needs me, so of course I must go. D. C. See here ! You haven't been cross-examined ! Wit. Well, I'm sorry, but I cannot help that. You see how it is yourself. Come, sweetheart. \_Exit. D. C. Well, if she isn't the limit ! D. A. Thank goodness, I got my innings ! Mrs. F. There, now; if she's gone home I don't see why I can't. Mrs. D. If a child of mine acted like that I rather think there would be something doing. Mrs. Steele. What can you expect with that grand- mother ? Mrs. Cabot. Well, really, you can't blame any man for not wanting that young one about. I know right well I wouldn't. Mrs. Hodge. Well, thank goodness, she don't live on my street. Mrs. M. It's easy to see why the grandmother don't live with them. Mrs. L. Mercy ! But I'm thankful she doesn't belong to me ! Mrs. Keating. Heaven pity the man she gets hitched to. Mrs. Blake. No wonder Mr. Burton is so quiet. I guess between them both tlie poor man doesn't get much more show than a last year's {name local fieivspaper). Miss B. I had her in my room at school one year and she was almost the death of me until I gave her one good spank- 28 BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE ing. After she had recovered from the shock she was a much different child. Mrs. Carson. Well, it's pretty lucky she hasn't my hus- band for her pa. Mrs. Sideks. Or me for her ma. Crier. Silence in the court room ! D. A. Mrs. Currier will now take the witness-stand. (Clerk sivears her in.) What is your full name, please? Wit. Flora M. Currier, as you have known very well for several years. D. A. Are you related to the plaintiff in this case ? Wit. Only by the closest bonds of long, loyal, loving friendship. We are chums. D. A. I see. When did you first become acquainted with her? Wit. We were in (jiame local teacher of primary school^ class in the School together. D. A. And the year ? Wit. Well — somehow I forget that. D. A. How long have you known the defendant ? Wit. Why, about as soon as Birdie did. D. A. Birdie ! Wit. Oh, that was my pet name for her, and she called me Toots. D. A. Ah, my education is being advanced along several lines to-day. Well, to your knowledge how has the defendant treated the plaintiff? Wit. The first two years he was just lovely. He took Birdie and nie, that was before I married {gives husband^ s first natne), to dinner and the theatre and to parties ; but the past three years he has been absolutely unbearable. D. A. Yes ; but just how was he unbearable ? Wit. Oh, he didn't want me around so much; kicked be- cause Birdie's mother and sister lived there; growled because Birdie wouldn't get his breakfast ; grumbled because her mother took his bed, and D. A. Yes; but did he act violently toward her — did he beat her or strike her ? Wit. Yes, he did. He slapped her face once. D. A. That is what I wanted to bring before this honorable judge and jury. Were there any other violent acts ? Wit. Yes ; he smoked in the house, and sometimes whistled. BROWN VS. BROWN SEPARATE MAINTENANCE CASE 29 D. A. Horrible ! Anything more ? Wit. Oh, yes, there are lots of things, but somehow I am so flustered before all these people that I forget. D. A. Well, Miss Lincoln, the witness is yours and I rest my case here, Your Honor, although there are scores of wit- nesses who would be delighted to testify in the interests of the dear plaintiff if they were needed. But I couldn't think of wasting j' No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts LIBRARY OF CONGRESS H^ecent Copula. 017 400 479 1 1UL( ATT AIVLlillTU i.'our males, six females. Scenery, not