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 1 
 
•SCHOOL 
 
 "Richard 
 iFfier/d^n. 
 
 <HM.C*Jdwe/l Co. 
 New York-"" 'Boston, 
 
Copyright, 1900 
 By H. M. Caldwell Co. 
 
Preface 
 
 Sheridan's Life. Richard Brinsley 
 Sheridan was the grandson of Swift's friend, 
 the witty Dr. Thomas Sheridan, and son 
 of Thomas Sheridan, the actor, who wrote 
 Swift's life. His mother, Frances Sheridan, 
 wrote clever plays, and a successful novel, 
 " The History of Miss Sidney Biddulph." 
 Born in Dublin, on the 30th of October, 
 1751, Sheridan was sent to Harrow, where 
 he was a favourite with boys and masters, 
 though he was far from industrious. At 
 eighteen he returned to his father, and in 
 company with a friend, Halked, translated 
 Aristsenetus, and wrote a farce in the form 
 of a rehearsal. In 1770 the family moved 
 to Bath, where Sheridan soon fell in love 
 with Eliza Ann Linley, daughter of a 
 popular singer. The lady's voice and 
 beauty caused him to have many rivals; 
 
-JH The School for Scandal 
 
 but in 1772 they eloped, and were secretly 
 married near Calais. This action involved 
 the youthful husband in duels and other 
 troubles, but in 1773 Miss Linley's father 
 withdrew his opposition, and the couple 
 were publicly married. It is not known 
 that they had any means, except £3,000 
 left to Miss Linley by an elderly lover, and 
 Sheridan would not allow his wife to earn 
 money by singing; but in a few months 
 they took a house in Orchard Street, Port- 
 man Square, and managed to receive com- 
 pany freely. 
 
 In January, 1775, at the age of twenty- 
 three, Sheridan produced, at Covent Garden, 
 his first comedy, The Rivals, which met 
 with complete success, though on the first 
 night failure seemed probable. Later in 
 the year Sheridan brought out a farce, 
 St. Patrick's Day, and a comic opera, The 
 Duenna, which was acted seventy-five nights 
 during the season. Garrick took great 
 interest in the young dramatist's brilliant 
 success, and, on his retirement in 1776, 
 
Preface Hr 
 
 Sheridan and his friend bought Garrick's 
 share in Drury Lane Theatre. The new 
 manager disappointed expectations by pro- 
 ducing nothing fresh except A Trip to 
 Scarborough (February, 1777), and that only 
 an adaptation of Vanbrugh's The Relapse ; 
 but the delay was made up for in May, 
 when The School for Scandal was first acted. 
 Next year Sheridan and others bought the 
 remaining half of the share in Drury Lane, 
 and 1779 saw the production of what was 
 practically Sheridan's last play, The Critic ; 
 or, A Tragedy Rehearsal, though he after- 
 wards brought out Pizarro, a translation or 
 adaptation from Kotzebue. In 1780 he 
 was elected Member of Parliament for 
 Stafford, and at the age of twenty-nine 
 began a new and brilliant career as states- 
 man and orator. The impeachment of 
 Warren Hastings gave him his greatest 
 opportunity, when he delivered his famous 
 speeches respecting Hastings's conduct to- 
 wards the princesses of Oude ; but before 
 long financial and other troubles began to 
 3 
 
#? The School for Scandal 
 
 weigh heavily upon him, and, unfortunately, 
 he fell under the influence of the Prince 
 of Wales (afterwards George IV.), whose 
 cause he championed in the House and 
 elsewhere. In 1809 Drury Lane Theatre, 
 then recently rebuilt, was burned down, 
 and when Sheridan lost his seat in Parlia- 
 ment, he must have felt that he had nothing 
 to hope for. He was no longer exempt 
 even from arrest for debt, and, with the 
 exception of three or four faithful friends, 
 none seemed to care what became of the 
 once brilliant writer and speaker. When 
 the end came (July 7, 1816), Sheridan was 
 hard pressed by creditors, though his debts 
 appear not to have exceeded £4,000, and 
 the Regent and others sent money at the 
 last moment, on hearing of his position. 
 A few days later his body was buried in 
 Westminster Abbey, in the presence of 
 princes and noblemen. 
 
 History of the Play. The School for 
 Scandal was produced at Drury Lane 
 4 
 
Preface 
 
 K.LL 
 
 Theatre on the 8th of May, 1777. On the 
 night before its first appearance, Sheridan 
 was told that the necessary license had 
 been refused, on the ground that Moses, 
 the Jew, was believed to be a satire on 
 Hopkins, Wilkes's opponent in the contest 
 for the office of City Chamberlain. Sheri- 
 dan, however, got over the difficulty after 
 an interview with Lord Hertford, the Lord 
 Chamberlain. There is a well-known story 
 of the author's procrastination. The actors 
 were kept waiting to the last for the final 
 scenes; and on the concluding leaf Sheri- 
 dan wrote, " Finished at last, thank God!" 
 to which the prompter, Hawkins, added, 
 "Amen!" It may be that Sheridan was 
 revising the closing scenes up to the last; 
 but, as has been pointed out, they must 
 have been written before then, for the play 
 had been submitted for license, and had 
 been read by Garrick. We know, too, that 
 the piece was far from being a work pro- 
 duced in a moment of inspiration. The 
 brilliance and neatness of the workmanship 
 
 5 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 point to painful care, and Moore published 
 voluminous extracts from Sheridan's papers, 
 which prove that the scenes were often 
 rewritten more than once, and that the 
 play in the form in which we have it was 
 the result of many experiments. In fact, 
 Sheridan had in his mind two distinct 
 plots : one, the School for Scandal proper, 
 called The Slanderers in one draft ; the 
 other, the story of the old man and his 
 young wife, and the two brothers, first 
 called Plausible and Pliant. In an early 
 sketch Sir Peter appears as Solomon Teazle, 
 a retired tradesman. At some point in his 
 labours, it occurred to Sheridan to weld 
 together the two plots, a feat which he 
 accomplished with such skill that the spec- 
 tator is never struck by the undoubted fact 
 that the scandal scenes have very little 
 connection with the rest of the play, and 
 hardly help on the action at all. 
 
 The School for Scandal was at once a 
 brilliant success. It ran for twenty nights, 
 until the end of the season, and was acted 
 6 
 
Preface Hr 
 
 sixty-five times in the following season. 
 Afterwards, for some years, it was acted 
 regularly three nights a week, and " damped 
 the new pieces ; " and it has retained its 
 popularity for over a century. The author 
 was greatly helped by the original actors. 
 Horace Walpole and Charles Lamb both 
 speak in the highest terms of the whole 
 cast. " Amid the mortifying circumstances 
 attendant upon growing old," said Lamb, 
 " it was something to have seen The School 
 for Scandal in its glory." Sheridan never 
 published an authorised edition of the play, 
 and when pressed to revise it for the press, 
 said that he had been nineteen years en- 
 deavouring to satisfy himself with the style 
 of the piece, and had not succeeded. The 
 School for Scandal was printed at Dublin 
 from a copy which Sheridan sent to his 
 sister for disposal to her own advantage to 
 the manager of the Dublin Theatre ; but 
 the early editions contain many variations. 
 The most important of modern editions is 
 " Sheridan's Comedies " (that is, The Rivals 
 7 
 
-JH The School for Scandal 
 
 and The School for Scandal), edited by Mr. 
 Brander Matthews in 1885. Mr. Fraser 
 Rae, in his recent " Life of Sheridan," has 
 announced the existence in manuscript of 
 two acts of the play, with corrections by 
 Sheridan, presumably with a view to pub- 
 lication. 
 
 Sheridan's Position in the History 
 of the Drama. Sheridan's comedies are 
 more akin to the works of the so-called 
 Restoration dramatists than to those of his 
 immediate predecessors. The revolt against 
 the immorality of the stage at the end of 
 the seventeenth century had paved the way 
 for the comedy of sentiment introduced by 
 Steele and Cibber ; but after half a century 
 the public had wearied of sentiment, though 
 Sheridan himself introduced a specimen of 
 it in the parts of Faulkland and Julia in 
 The Rivals. On the other hand, Farquhar 
 and Vanbrugh and Congreve were too 
 coarse for the public taste, and were toler- 
 ated only in emasculated versions by 
 8 
 
Preface ## 
 
 Garrick, Sheridan himself, and others. 
 Cumberland, Murphy, and the Colmans 
 were, with the exception of Goldsmith, 
 Sheridan's chief rivals in comedy, and 
 Foote and Garrick in farce. It was Sheri- 
 dan's glory to write comedy as witty as 
 Congreve's, but wholly free from the taint 
 of immorality. 
 
 Unfortunately, though over a century has 
 passed since the production of The School 
 for Scandal, no play has been written in 
 the meantime which can in any way rival 
 it in brilliance. 
 
 Sheridan's Indebtedness to his Pred- 
 ecessors. The writer of a contemporary 
 satire, The Critick Anticipated, makes Young 
 Psalter, or Sheridan, attribute the popu- 
 larity of the School for Scandal and the 
 Duenna to the fact that " there 's contained 
 in those two pieces the plot, wit, incidents, 
 language, and humour of all the plays, 
 operas, farces, and pantomimes that ever 
 were known in the English language — ay, 
 9 
 
•SH The School for Scandal 
 
 or in the Latin language either — as the 
 Eunuch of Terence can testify. Mercy on 
 me ! what a laborious task it is to compile 
 good plays and farces ! " From then until 
 now, writers have been busy in discovering 
 plagiarisms in Sheridan's works, especially 
 in The School for Scandal. One biographer 
 said that this play was in reality written 
 by a young lady, who had sent it to Sheri- 
 dan, as manager of the theatre, and had 
 shortly afterwards died of decline ; but, 
 unfortunately for the young lady's claims, 
 the manuscripts of the play, in various 
 stages of incompleteness, are, as we have 
 seen, in existence. Others have contented 
 themselves with pointing to the resem- 
 blances between Sheridan's characters and 
 those of earlier writers. Joseph and Charles 
 Surface have been compared with Tom 
 Jones and Blifil, and a parallel for the 
 incident of the screen has been discovered, 
 absurdly enough, in the fall of the rug in 
 Molly Seagrim's room. Joseph Surface 
 was a hypocrite, as were Blifil and Moliere's 
 10 
 
Preface H£ 
 
 Tartuffe, and the Malvil of Murphy's Know 
 Your Own Mind, to whom Hazlitt alludes ; 
 but there the resemblance ceases. Drama- 
 tists or novelists must necessarily deal with 
 general types of character, but they can 
 depict the infinite variations which are 
 found in real life. If this is done, there 
 is no plagiarism. It is the same with inci- 
 dents. 
 
 Prototypes for the scandal-mongering 
 may be found in Moliere's Misanthrope, in 
 Congreve's Double Dealer, and in Steele's 
 Funeral; and Sir Oliver's return and visit 
 to Charles Surface may be compared with 
 a scene in Mrs. Frances Sheridan's novel, 
 " Miss Sidney Biddulph," or, indeed, with 
 scenes in not a few other novels or plays. 
 But it is not plagiarism to make use of 
 conceptions which have occurred to others, 
 so long as the setting is new, and the char- 
 acter or incident is improved. If Sheridan 
 — like Shakespeare, though to a much less 
 degree — made use of the work of others 
 as a foundation, the " splendid and more 
 n 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 valuable setting," as Hazlitt says, "was 
 Sheridan's ; " he gave interest, life, and 
 action, or, in other words, its dramatic 
 being, to the cruder ideas which he found 
 ready to his hand. 
 
 12 
 
The School for Scandal 
 
DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 
 AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY LANE 
 THEATRE IN 1777 
 
 Sir Peter Teazle . . . Mr. King. 
 
 Sir Oliver Surface . . Mr. Yates. 
 
 Sir Harry Bumper . . Mr. Gawdry. 
 
 Sir Benjamin Backbite . Mr. Dodd. 
 
 Joseph Surface . . . Mr. Palmer. 
 
 Charles Surface . . . Mr. Smith. 
 
 Careless ...... Mr. Farren. 
 
 Snake Mr. Packer. 
 
 Crdbtree Mr. Parsons. 
 
 Rowley . . . . - . . Mr. Aickin. 
 
 Moses ....... Mr. Baddeley. 
 
 Trip Mr. Lamash. 
 
 Lady Teazle .... Mrs. Abington. 
 
 Lady Sneerwell . . .' Miss Sherry. 
 
 Mrs. Candour . . . . Miss Pope. 
 
 Maria Miss P. Hopkins. 
 
 Gentlemen, Maid, and Servants. 
 
 Scene : London. 
 14 
 
A Portrait 
 
 ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE, WITH THE 
 COMEDY OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCAN- 
 DAL. 
 
 BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ. 
 
 Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's 
 
 school, 
 Who rail by precept, and detract by 
 
 rule, 
 Lives there no character, so tried, so 
 
 known, 
 So decked with grace, and so unlike 
 
 your own, 
 That even you assist her fame to raise, 
 Approve by envy, and by silence praise ! 
 Attend ! — a model shall attract your 
 
 view — 
 Daughters of calumny, I summon you ! 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 You shall decide if this a portrait 
 
 prove, 
 Or fond creation of the Muse and 
 
 Love. 10 
 
 Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and 
 
 sage, 
 Ye matron censors of this childish age, 
 Whose peering eye and wrinkled front 
 
 declare 
 A fixed antipathy to young and fair ; 
 By cunning, cautious; or by nature, 
 
 cold, 
 In maiden madness, virulently bold ! — 
 Attend, ye skilled to coin the precious 
 
 tale, 
 Creating proof, where innuendos fail ! 
 Whose practised memories, cruelly 
 
 exact, 
 Omit no circumstance, except the 
 
 fact ! — 20 
 
 Attend, all ye who boast, — or old or 
 
 young, — 
 
 16 
 
A Portrait £# 
 
 The living libel of a slanderous tongue ! 
 So shall my theme as far contrasted 
 
 be, 
 As saints by fiends, or hymns by cal- 
 umny. 
 Come, gentle Amoret (for ? neath that 
 
 name 
 In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's 
 
 fame) ; 
 Come — for but thee who seeks the 
 
 Muse ? and while 
 Celestial blushes check thy conscious 
 
 smile, 
 With timid grace, and hesitating eye, 
 The perfect model, which I boast, 
 
 supply : — 30 
 
 Vain Muse ! couldst thou the humblest 
 
 sketch create 
 Of her, or slightest charm couldst 
 
 imitate — 
 Could thy blest strain in kindred 
 
 colours trace 
 
 17 
 
#1 The School for Scandal 
 
 The faintest wonder of her form and 
 
 face — 
 Poets would study the immortal line, 
 And Reynolds own his art subdued by 
 
 thine ; 
 That art, which well might added lustre 
 
 give 
 To Nature's best, and Heaven's superla- 
 tive: 
 On Granby's cheek might bid new 
 
 glories rise, 
 Or point a purer beam from Devon's 
 
 eyes ! 40 
 
 Hard is the task to shape that beauty's 
 
 praise, 
 Whose judgment scorns the homage 
 
 flattery pays ! 
 But praising Amoret we cannot err, 
 No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters 
 
 her! 
 Yet she by Fate's perverseness — she 
 
 alone 
 
 18 
 
A Portraits 
 
 Would doubt our truth, nor deem such 
 praise her own. 
 
 Adorning fashion, unadorned by dress, 
 
 Simple from taste, and not from care- 
 lessness ; 
 
 Discreet in gesture, in deportment 
 mild, 
 
 Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly 
 wild : 50 
 
 No state has Amoret ; no studied mien ; 
 
 She frowns no goddess, and she moves 
 no queen. 
 
 The softer charm that in her manner 
 lies 
 
 Is framed to captivate, yet not sur- 
 prise ; 
 
 It justly suits the expression of her 
 face, — 
 
 ? Tis less than dignity, and more than 
 grace ! 
 
 On her pure cheek the native hue is 
 such, 
 
 19 
 
«£H The School for £,*an/> f ,i 
 
 That, formed by Heaven to be admired 
 
 so much, 
 The hand divine, with a less partial care, 
 Might well have fixed a fainter crim- 
 son there, 60 
 And bade the gentle inmate of her 
 
 breast — 
 Inshrined Modesty — supply the rest. 
 But who the peril of her lips shall 
 
 paint ? 
 Strip them of smiles — still, still all 
 
 words are faint. 
 But moving Love himself appears to 
 
 teach 
 Their action, though denied to rule her 
 
 speech ; 
 And thou who seest her speak, and dost 
 
 not hear, 
 Mourn not her distant accents ? scape 
 
 thine ear; 
 Viewing those lips, thou still may'st 
 
 make pretence 
 
A Portrait 
 
 ^jjt. 
 
 To judge of what she says, and swear 
 'tis sense : 70 
 
 Clothed with such grace, with such 
 expression fraught, 
 
 They move in meaning, and they pause 
 in thought ! 
 
 But dost thou farther watch, with 
 charmed surprise, 
 
 The mild irresolution of her eyes, 
 
 Curious to mark how frequent they 
 repose, 
 
 In brief eclipse and momentary close — 
 
 Ah ! seest thou not an ambushed Cupid 
 there, 
 
 Too timorous of his charge, with jeal- 
 ous care 
 
 Veils and unveils those beams of heav- 
 enly light, 
 
 Too full, too fatal else, for mortal 
 sight ? 80 
 
 Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond 
 to meet, 
 
 21 
 
#=? The School for Scandal 
 
 In pardoning dimples hope a safe re- 
 treat. 
 What though her peaceful breast should 
 
 ne'er allow 
 Subduing frowns to arm her altered 
 
 brow, 
 By Love, I swear, and by his gentle 
 
 wiles, 
 More fatal still the mercy of her 
 
 smiles ! 
 Thus lovely, thus adorned, possessing 
 
 all 
 Of bright or fair that can to woman 
 
 fall, 
 The height of vanity might well be 
 
 thought 89 
 
 Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault. 
 Yet gentle Amoret, in mind supreme 
 As well as charms, rejects the vainer 
 
 theme ; 
 And, half mistrustful of her beauty's 
 
 store, 
 
 22 
 
A Portrait H£ 
 
 She barbs with wit those darts too keen 
 
 before : — 
 Kead in all knowledge that her sex 
 
 should reach, 
 Though Greville, or the Muse, should 
 
 deign to teach, 
 Fond to improve, nor timorous to dis- 
 cern 
 How far it is a woman's grace to 
 
 learn ; 
 In Millar's dialect she would not prove 
 Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love, 
 Graced by those signs which truth 
 
 delights to own, 101 
 
 The timid blush, and mild submitted 
 
 tone: 
 Whate'er she says, though sense appear 
 
 throughout, 
 Displays the tender hue of female 
 
 doubt ; 
 Decked with that charm, how lovely 
 
 wit appears, 
 
 23 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 How graceful science, when that robe 
 
 she wears ! 
 Such too her talent s, and her bent of 
 
 mind, 
 As speak a sprightly heart by thought 
 
 refined : 
 A taste for mirth, by contemplation 
 
 schooled, 
 A turn for ridicule, by candour 
 
 ruled, 110 
 
 A scorn of folly, which she tries to 
 
 hide; 
 An awe of talent, which she owns with 
 
 pride ! 
 Peace, idle Muse ! no more thy strain 
 
 prolong, 
 But yield a theme, thy warmest praises 
 
 wrong ; 
 Just to her merit, though thou canst 
 
 not raise 
 Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowl- 
 edged praise 
 
 24 
 
 
A Portrait^ 
 
 Has spread conviction through the 
 envious train, 
 
 And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's 
 reign ! 
 
 And lo ! each pallid hag, with blistered 
 tongue, 
 
 Mutters assent to all thy zeal has 
 sung — 120 
 
 Owns all the colours just — the out- 
 line true ; 
 
 Thee my inspirer, and my model — 
 Crewe ! 
 
 25 
 
The School for Scandal 
 
 PEOLOGUE. 
 
 WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK. 
 
 A School for Scandal! tell me, I be- 
 seech you, 
 Needs there a school this modish art 
 
 to teach you ? 
 No need of lessons now, the knowing 
 
 think ; 
 We might as well be taught to eat and 
 
 drink. 
 Caused by a dearth of scandal, should 
 
 the vapours 
 Distress our fair ones — let them read 
 
 the papers; 
 Their powerful mixtures such disorders 
 
 hit; 
 
 27 
 
«SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Crave what you will — there ? s quantum 
 
 sufficit. 
 " Lord ! " cries my Lady Wormwood 
 
 (who loves tattle, 
 And puts much salt and pepper in her 
 
 prattle), 10 
 
 Just risen at noon, all night at cards 
 
 when threshing 
 Strong tea and scandal — " Bless me, 
 
 how refreshing ! 
 Give me the papers, Lisp — how bold 
 
 and free ! [Sips. 
 
 Last night Lord L. [Sips'] was caught 
 
 with Lady D. 
 For aching heads what charming sal 
 
 volatile ! [Sips. 
 
 Lf Mrs. B. will still continue flirting, 
 We hope she } ll draw, or we HI undraw 
 
 the curtain. 
 Fine satire, poz — in public all abuse it, 
 But, by ourselves [Sips'], our praise we 
 
 can't refuse it. 
 28 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Now, Lisp, read you — there, at that 
 
 dash and star : " 20 
 
 " Yes, ma'am - — A certain lord had best 
 
 beware, 
 Who lives not twenty miles from Gros- 
 
 venor Square; 
 For, should he Lady W, find willing, 
 Wormwood is bitter " " Oh ! that ? s 
 
 me ! the villain ! 
 Throw it behind the fire, and never more 
 Let that vile paper come within my 
 
 door." 
 Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel 
 
 the dart ; 
 To reach our feelings, we ourselves 
 
 must smart. 
 Is our young bard so young, to think 
 
 that he 
 Can stop the full spring-tide of cal- 
 umny ? 30 
 Knows he the world so little, and its 
 
 trade ? 
 
 29 
 
<5H The School for Scandal 
 
 Alas! the devil's sooner raised than 
 
 laid. 
 So strong, so swift, the monster there ? s 
 
 no gagging : 
 Cut scandal's head off, still the tongue 
 
 is wagging. 
 Proud of your smiles once lavishly be- 
 stowed, 
 Again our young Don Quixote takes 
 
 the road : 
 To show his gratitude he draws his 
 
 pen, 
 And seeks this hydra, Scandal, in his 
 
 den. 
 For your applause all perils he would 
 
 through — 
 He '11 fight — that 's write — a cava- 
 
 liero true, 40 
 
 Till every drop of blood — that *s ink 
 
 — is spilt for you. 
 
 30 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 ACT FIEST. 
 
 Scene I. 
 
 Lady SneerweWs Dressing-room. 
 
 Lady Sneerwell discovered at her toilet; 
 Snake drinking chocolate. 
 
 Lady Sneer. The paragraphs, you 
 say, Mr. Snake, were all inserted ? 
 
 Snake. They were, madam ; and, as 
 I copied them myself in a feigned 
 hand, there can be no suspicion whence 
 they came. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the 
 report of Lady Brittle's intrigue with 
 Captain Boastall? 
 
 Snake. That 's in as fine a train as 
 your ladyship could wish. In the com- 
 mon course of things, I think it must 
 reach Mrs. Clackitt's ears within four- 
 3 1 
 
#t The School for Scandal 
 
 and-twenty hours ; and then, you know, 
 the business is as good as done. 12 
 
 Lady Sneer. Why, truly, Mrs. Clackitt 
 has a very pretty talent, and a great 
 deal of industry. 
 
 Snake. True, madam, and has been 
 tolerably successful in her day. To my 
 knowledge, she has been the cause of 
 six matches being broken off, and three 
 sons being disinherited ; of four forced 
 elopements, and as many close confine- 
 ments ; nine separate maintenances, and 
 two divorces. Nay, I have more than 
 once traced her causing a tete-a-tete in 
 the Town and Country Magazine^ when 
 the parties, perhaps, had never seen 
 each other's face before in the course 
 of their lives. 
 
 Lady Sneer. She certainly has tal- 
 ents, but her manner is gross. 28 
 
 Snake. ? Tis very true. She generally 
 designs well, has a free tongue and a 
 3 2 
 
The School for Scandal He- 
 boid invention ; but her colouring is 
 too dark, and her outlines often extrav- 
 agant. She wants that delicacy of 
 tint, and mellowness of sneer, which 
 distinguish your ladyship's scandal. 
 
 Lady Sneer. You are partial, Snake. 
 
 Snake. Not in the least ; everybody 
 allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more 
 with a word or look than many can with 
 the most laboured detail, even when 
 they happen to have a little truth on 
 their side to support it. 40 
 
 Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Snake; 
 and I am no hypocrite to deny the 
 satisfaction I reap from the success of 
 my efforts. Wounded myself, in the 
 early part of my life, by the enven- 
 omed tongue of slander, I confess I 
 have since known no pleasure equal to 
 the reducing others to the level of my 
 own reputation. 
 
 Snake. Nothing can be more natural. 
 33 
 
-£H The School for Scandal 
 
 But, Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair 
 in which yon have lately employed me, 
 wherein, I confess, I am at a loss to 
 guess your motives. 51 
 
 Lady Sneer, I conceive you mean 
 with respect to my neighbour, Sir Peter 
 Teazle, and his family ? 
 
 Snake. I do. Here are two young 
 men, to whom Sir Peter has acted as a 
 kind of guardian since their father's 
 death; the eldest possessing the most 
 amiable character, and universally well 
 spoken of — the youngest, the most 
 dissipated and extravagant young fel- 
 low in the kingdom, without friends or 
 character: the former an avowed ad- 
 mirer of your ladyship, and apparently 
 your favourite; the latter attached to 
 Maria, Sir Peter's ward, and confessedly 
 beloved by her. Now, on the face of 
 these circumstances, it is utterly un- 
 accountable to me, why you, the widow 
 34 
 
The School for Scandal s 
 
 of a city knight, with a good jointure, 
 should not close with the passion of a 
 man of such character and expectations 
 as Mr. Surface; and more so why you 
 should be so uncommonly earnest to 
 destroy the mutual attachment sub- 
 sisting between his brother Charles 
 and Maria. 73 
 
 Lady Sneer. Then, at once to un- 
 ravel this mystery, I must inform you 
 that love has no share whatever in the 
 intercourse between Mr. Surface and 
 me. 
 
 Snake. No ! 
 
 Lady Sneer. His real attachment is 
 to Maria, or her fortune; but, finding 
 in his brother a favoured rival, he has 
 been obliged to mask his pretensions, 
 and profit by my assistance. 82 
 
 Snake. Yet still I am more puzzled 
 why you should interest yourself in his 
 success. 
 
 35 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Sneer. Heavens ! how dull you 
 are ! Cannot you surmise the weakness 
 which I hitherto, through shame, have 
 concealed even from you? Must I 
 confess that Charles — that libertine, 
 that extravagant, that bankrupt in for- 
 tune and reputation — that he it is for 
 whom I am thus anxious and malicious, 
 and to gain whom I would sacrifice 
 everything ? 92 
 
 Snake. Now, indeed, your conduct 
 appears consistent : but how came you 
 and Mr. Surface so confidential ? 
 
 Lady Sneer. For our mutual in- 
 terest. I have found him out a long 
 time since. I know him to be artful, 
 selfish, and malicious — in short, a 
 sentimental knave ; while with Sir 
 Peter, and indeed with all his ac- 
 quaintance, he passes for a youthful 
 miracle of prudence, good sense, and 
 benevolence. 102 
 
 36 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Snake. Yes ; yet Sir Peter vows he 
 has not his equal in England; and, 
 above all, he praises him as a man of 
 sentiment. 
 
 Lady Sneer. True; and with the 
 assistance of his sentiment and hypoc- 
 risy he has brought Sir Peter entirely 
 into his interest with regard to Maria ; 
 while poor Charles has no friend in the 
 house — though, I fear, he has a power- 
 ful one in Maria's heart, against whom 
 we must direct our schemes. 112 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Mr. Surface. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Show him up. [Exit Ser- 
 vant] He generally calls about this 
 time. I don't wonder at people giving 
 him to me for a lover. 
 
 Enter Joseph Surface. 
 
 Jos. Surf. My dear Lady Sneerwell, 
 37 
 
#? The School for Scandal 
 
 how do you do to-day? Mr. Snake, 
 your most obedient. 118 
 
 Lady Sneer. Snake has just been 
 rallying me on our mutual attachment, 
 but I have informed him of our real 
 views. You know how useful he has 
 been to us ; and, believe me, the confi- 
 dence is not ill-placed. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Madam, it is impossible 
 for me to suspect a man of Mr. Snake's 
 sensibility and discernment. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compli- 
 ments now; but tell me when you 
 saw your mistress, Maria — or, what is 
 more material to me, your brother. 129 
 
 Jos. Surf. I have not seen either 
 since I left you ; but I can inform you 
 that they never meet. Some of your 
 stories have taken a good effect on 
 Maria. 133 
 
 Lady Sneer. Ah, my dear Snake! 
 the merit of this belongs to you. 
 38 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 But do your brother's distresses in- 
 crease ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Every hour. I am told 
 he has had another execution in the 
 house yesterday. In short, his dissi- 
 pation and extravagance exceed any- 
 thing I have ever heard of. 140 
 
 Lady Sneer. Poor Charles ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. True, madam; notwith- 
 standing his vices, one can't help feel- 
 ing for him. Poor Charles ! I 'm sure 
 I. wish it were in my power to be of 
 any essential service to him ; for the 
 man who does not share in the dis- 
 tresses of a brother, even though mer- 
 ited by his own misconduct, deserves — 
 
 Lady Sneer. Lud ! you are going 
 to be moral, and forget that you are 
 among friends. 150 
 
 Jos. Surf Egad, that >s true ! I '11 
 keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peter. 
 However, it is certainly a charity to 
 39 
 
#? The School for Scandal 
 
 rescue Maria from such a libertine, 
 who, if he is to be reclaimed, can be so 
 only by a person of your ladyship's 
 superior accomplishments and under- 
 standing. 
 
 Snake, I believe, Lady Sneerwell, 
 here 's company coming: I '11 go and 
 copy the letter I mentioned to you. 
 Mr. Surface, your most obedient. 159 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, your very devoted. — 
 [Exit Snake] Lady Sneerwell, I am 
 very sorry you have put any farther 
 confidence in that fellow. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Why so? 
 
 Jos. Surf. I have lately detected him 
 in frequent conference with old How- 
 ley, who was formerly my father's 
 steward, and has never, you know, 
 been a friend of mine. 
 
 Lady Sneer. And do you think he 
 would betray us ? 
 
 Jos. Surf Nothing more likely : take 
 40 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 my word for ? t, Lady Sneerwell, that 
 fellow hasn't virtue enough to be faith- 
 ful even to his own villany. Ah, 
 Maria ! 172 
 
 Enter Maria. 
 
 Lady Sneer, Maria, my dear, how 
 do you do? What's the matter? 
 
 Mar. Oh! there ? s that disagreeable 
 lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, 
 has just called at my guardian's, with 
 his odious uncle, Crabtree ; so I slipped 
 out, and ran hither to avoid them. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Is that all ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. If my brother Charles 
 had been of the party, madam, perhaps 
 you would not have been so much 
 alarmed. 182 
 
 Lady Sneer. Nay, now you are 
 
 severe; for I dare swear the truth of 
 
 the matter is, Maria heard you were 
 
 here. But, my dear, what has Sir 
 
 41 
 
^ The School for Scandal 
 
 Benjamin done, that you should avoid 
 him so? 
 
 Mar. Oh, he has done nothing — 
 but 'tis for what he has said : his con- 
 versation is a perpetual libel on all his 
 acquaintance. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ay, and the worst of it 
 is, there is no advantage in not knowing 
 him; for he ? 11 abuse a stranger just as 
 soon as his best friend: and his uncle 
 >s as bad. 193 
 
 Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should 
 make allowance; Sir Benjamin is a wit 
 and a poet. 
 
 Mar. For my part, I own, madam, 
 wit loses its respect with me, when I 
 see it in company with malice. What 
 do you think, Mr. Surface ? 
 
 Jos. Sur. Certainly, madam ; to smile 
 at the jest which plants a thorn in 
 another's breast is to become a prin- 
 cipal in the mischief. 201 
 42 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 Lady Sneer. Psha ! there 's no pos- 
 sibility of being witty without a little 
 ill nature : the malice of a good thing 
 is the barb that makes it stick. What 's 
 your opinion, Mr. Surface ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. To be sure, madam ; that 
 conversation, where the spirit of rail- 
 lery is suppressed, will ever appear 
 tedious and insipid. 
 
 Mar. Well, I '11 not debate how far 
 scandal may be allowable; but in a 
 man, I am sure, it is always contempt- 
 ible. We have pride, enyy, rivalship, 
 and a thousand motives to depreciate 
 each other; but the male slanderer 
 must have the cowardice of a woman 
 before he can traduce one. 215 
 
 Re-enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Madam, Mrs. Candour is below, 
 and, if your ladyship ? s at leisure, will 
 leave her carriage. 
 
 43 
 
-£H The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Sneer. Beg her to walk in. 
 [Exit Servant] Now, Maria, here is a 
 character to your taste; for, though 
 Mrs. Candour is a little talkative, every- 
 body allows her to be the best natured 
 and best sort of woman. 222 
 
 Mar. Yes, with a very gross affecta- 
 tion of good nature and benevolence, 
 she does more mischief than the direct 
 malice of old Crabtree. 
 
 Jos. Surf. V faith that ? s true, Lady 
 Sneerwell : whenever I hear the current 
 running against the characters of my 
 friends, I never think them in such 
 danger as when Candour undertakes 
 their defence. 230 
 
 Lady Sneer. Hush ! — here she is ! 
 
 Enter Mrs. Candour. 
 
 Mrs. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, 
 how have you been this century ? — Mr. 
 Surface, what news do you hear ? — 
 
 44 
 
The School for Scandal s 
 
 though indeed it is no matter, for I 
 think one hears nothing else but 
 scandal. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Just so, indeed, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Oh, Maria ! child, — 
 what, is the whole affair off between 
 you and Charles? His extravagance, 
 I presume — the town talks of nothing 
 else. 240 
 
 Mar. I am very sorry, ma'am, the 
 town has so little to do. 
 
 Mrs. Can. True, true, child: but 
 there ? s no stopping people's tongues. 
 I own I was hurt to hear it, as I 
 indeed was to learn, from the same 
 quarter, that your guardian, Sir Peter, 
 and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately 
 as well as could be wished. 
 
 Mar. 'Tis strangely impertinent for 
 people to busy themselves so. 250 
 
 Mrs. Can. Very true, child: but 
 what ? s to be done ? People will talk 
 45 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 — there ? s no preventing it. Why, it 
 was but yesterday I was told that Miss 
 Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filigree 
 Flirt. But, Lord ! there's no minding 
 what one hears; though, to be sure, I" 
 had this from very good authority. 
 
 Mar. Such reports are highly scan- 
 dalous. 258 
 
 Mrs. Can. So they are, child — 
 shameful, shameful ! But the world 
 is so censorious, no character escapes. 
 Lord, now who would have suspected 
 your friend, Miss Prim, of an indis- 
 cretion ? Yet such is the ill nature of 
 people, that they say her uncle stopped 
 her last week, just as she was stepping 
 into the York Mail with her dancing- 
 master. 
 
 Mar. I '11 answer for ? t there are no 
 grounds for that report. 268 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ah, no foundation in 
 the world, I dare swear; no more, 
 4 6 
 
 \ 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 probably, than for the story circulated 
 last month, of Mrs. Festino's affair with 
 Colonel Cassino — though, to be sure, 
 that matter was never rightly cleared 
 up. 
 
 Jos. Surf. The license of invention 
 some people take is monstrous indeed. 
 
 Mar. ? Tis so; but, in my opinion, 
 those who report such things are 
 equally culpable. 277 
 
 Mrs. Can. To be sure they are; 
 tale-bearers are as bad as the tale-mak- 
 ers — 'tis an old observation, and a very 
 true one : but what 's to be done, as 
 I said before? how will you prevent 
 people from talking? To-day, Mrs. 
 Clackitt assured me, Mr. and Mrs. 
 Honeymoon were at last become mere 
 man and wife, like the rest of their 
 acquaintance. She likewise hinted that 
 a certain widow, in the next street, had 
 got rid of her dropsy, and recovered her 
 47 
 
## The School for Scandal 
 
 shape in a most surprising manner. 
 And at the same time Miss Tattle, who 
 was by, affirmed that Lord Buffalo had 
 discovered his lady at a house of no 
 extraordinary fame ; and that Sir Harry 
 Bouquet and Tom Saunter were to 
 measure swords on a similar provoca 
 tion. But, Lord, do you think I woulc 
 report these things ! No, no ! tale-bear- 
 ers, as I said before, are just as bad as 
 the tale-makers. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ah! Mrs. Candour, if 
 every body had your forbearance and 
 good nature ! 298 
 
 Mrs. Can. I confess, Mr. Surface, I 
 cannot bear to hear people attacked 
 behind their backs; and when ugly 
 circumstances come out against our 
 acquaintance, I own I always love to 
 think the best. By the by, I hope 'tis 
 not true that your brother is abso- 
 lutely ruined? 304 
 48 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Jos. Surf. I am afraid his circum- 
 stances are very bad indeed, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ah! I heard so — but 
 you must tell him to keep up his 
 spirits; everybody almost is in the 
 same way: Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas 
 Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr. Nickit 
 — all up, I hear, within this week ; so, 
 if Charles is undone, he ? 11 find half his 
 acquaintance ruined too, and that, you 
 know, is a consolation. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Doubtless, ma'am — a 
 very great one. 
 
 Re-enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
 Backbite. [Exit 
 
 Lady Sneer. So, Maria, you see 
 your lover pursues you; positively 
 you sha'n't escape. 318 
 
 Enter Crabtree and Sir Benjamin 
 Backbite. 
 
 49 
 
^ The School for Scandal 
 
 Crab. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your 
 hand. Mrs. Candour, I don't believe 
 you are acquainted with my nephew, 
 Sir Benjamin Backbite? Egad, ma'am, 
 he has a pretty wit, and is a pretty 
 poet, too. Isn't he, Lady Sneerwell ? 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, fie, uncle ! 
 
 Crab. Nay, egad, it's true; I back 
 him at a rebus or a charade against 
 the best rhymer in the kingdom. Has 
 your ladyship heard the epigram he 
 wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's 
 feather catching fire? — Do, Benjamin, 
 repeat it, or the charade you made last 
 night extempore at Mrs. Drowzie's con- 
 versazione. Come now; your first is 
 the name of a fish, your second a great 
 naval commander, and — 334 
 
 Sir Ben. Uncle, now — pr 'ythee — 
 
 Crab. V faith, ma'am, 'twould sur- 
 prise you to hear how ready he is at 
 all these sort of things. 
 50 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Lady Sneer. I wonder, Sir Benja- 
 min, you never publish anything. 340 
 
 Sir Ben. To say truth, ma'am, 'tis 
 very vulgar to print ; and as my little 
 productions are mostly satires and 
 lampoons on particular people, I find 
 they circulate more by giving copies in 
 confidence to the friends of the parties. 
 However, I have some love elegies, 
 which, when favoured with this lady's 
 smiles, I mean to give the public. 
 
 [Pointing to Maria. 
 
 Crab. [To Marid\ 'Fore heaven, 
 ma'am, the}^ '11 immortalise you ! — you 
 will be handed down to posterity, like 
 Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacha- 
 rissa. 352 
 
 Sir Ben. [To Maria'] Yes, madam, 
 I think you will like them, when you 
 shall see them on a beautiful quarto 
 page, where a neat rivulet of text shall 
 meander through a meadow of margin. 
 5 1 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 'Fore Gad they will be the most elegant 
 things of their kind ! 
 
 Crab. But, ladies, that's true — 
 have you heard the. news ? 360 
 
 Mrs. Can. What, v sir, do you mean 
 the report of — 
 
 Crab. No, ma'am, that 's not it. — 
 Miss Nicely is going to be married to 
 her own footman. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Impossible! 
 
 Crab. Ask Sir Benjamin. 
 
 Sir Ben. 'Tis very true, ma'am t 
 everything is fixed, and the wedding 
 liveries bespoke. 
 
 Crab. Yes — and they do say there 
 were pressing reasons for it. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Why, I have heard 
 something of this before. 371 
 
 Mrs. Can. It can't be — and I won- 
 der any one should believe such a 
 story of so prudent a lady as Miss 
 Nicely. 
 
 52 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Ben. Lud ! ma'am, that ? s the 
 very reason 'twas believed at once. 
 She has always been so cautious and 
 so reserved, that everybody was sure 
 there was some reason for it at bottom. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Why, to be sure, a tale 
 of scandal is as fatal to the credit of a 
 prudent lady of her stamp as a fever is 
 generally to those of the strongest con- 
 stitutions. But there is a sort of puny 
 sickly reputation, that is always ailing, 
 yet will outlive the robuster characters 
 of a hundred prudes. 
 
 Sir Ben. True, madam, there are 
 valetudinarians in reputation as well 
 as constitution, who, being conscious of 
 their weak part, avoid the least breath 
 of air, and supply their want of stamina 
 by care and circumspection. 390 
 
 Mrs. Can. Well, but this may be 
 all a mistake. You know, Sir Ben- 
 jamin, very trifling circumstances 
 53 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 often give rise to the most injurious 
 tales. 
 
 Crab. That they do, I ? 11 be sworn, 
 ma'am. Did you ever hear how Miss 
 Piper came to lose her lover and her 
 character last summer at Tunbridge ? — 
 Sir Benjamin, you remember it? 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, to be sure ! — the most 
 whimsical circumstance. 400 
 
 Lady Sneer. How was it, pray ? 
 
 Crab. Why, one evening, at Mrs. 
 Ponto's assembly, the conversation 
 happened to turn on the breeding 
 Nova Scotia sheep in this country. 
 Says a young lady in company, "I 
 have known instances of it; for Miss 
 Letitia Piper, a first cousin of mine, 
 had a Nova Scotia sheep that produced 
 her twins." " What ! " cries the Lady 
 Dowager Dundizzy (who you know is 
 as deaf as a post), " has Miss Piper had 
 twins?" This mistake, as you may 
 54 
 
The School for Scandal |# 
 
 imagine, threw the whole company 
 into a fit of laughter. However, 'twas 
 the next morr '. ig everywhere reported, 
 and in a few days believed by the whole 
 town, that Miss Letitia Piper had actu- 
 ally been brought to bed of a fine boy 
 and a girl: and in less than a week 
 there were some people who could name 
 the father, and the farmhouse where 
 the babies were put to nurse. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Strange, indeed ! 420 
 
 Crab. Matter of fact, I assure you. 
 Lud! Mr. Surface, pray is it true 
 that your uncle, Sir Oliver, is coming 
 home? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Not that I know of, in- 
 deed, sir. 
 
 Crab. He has been in the East 
 Indies a long time. You can scarcely 
 remember him, I believe? Sad com- 
 fort, whenever he returns, to hear how 
 your brother has gone on ! 
 55 
 
#1 The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. Charles has been impru- 
 dent, sir, to be sure; but I hope no 
 busy people have already prejudiced 
 Sir Oliver against him. He may re- 
 form. 432 
 
 Sir Ben. To be sure he may: for 
 my part, I never believed him to be so 
 utterly void of principle as people say ; 
 and, though he has lost all his friends, 
 I am told nobody is better spoken of 
 by the Jews. 
 
 Crab. That ? s true, egad, nephew. 
 If the Old Jewry was a ward, I believe 
 Charles would be an alderman: no 
 man more popular there, ; fore Gad! 
 I hear he pays as many annuities as 
 the Irish tontine ; and that, whenever 
 he is sick, they have prayers for the 
 recovery of his health in all the syna- 
 gogues. 444 
 
 Sir Ben. Yet no man lives in greater 
 splendour. They tell me, when he 
 56 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 entertains his friends he will sit down 
 to dinner with a dozen of his own 
 securities ; have a score of tradesmen 
 waiting in the antechamber, and an 
 officer behind every guest's chair. 450 
 
 Jos. Surf. This may be entertain- 
 ment to you, gentlemen, but you pay 
 very little regard to the feelings of a 
 brother. 
 
 Mar. [Aside] Their malice is in- 
 tolerable ! — [Aloud] Lady Sneerwell, 
 I must wish you a good morning : I 'm 
 not very well. [Exit. 
 
 Mrs. Can. dear! she changes 
 colour very much. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Do, Mrs. Candour, 
 follow her : she may want your assist- 
 ance. 459 
 
 Mrs. Can. That I will, with all my 
 soul, ma'am. — Poor dear girl, who 
 Jniows what her situation may be ! * 
 
 [Exit 
 57 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Sneer. ; Twas nothing but 
 that she could not bear to hear Charles 
 reflected on, notwithstanding their dif- 
 ference. 
 
 Sir Ben. The young l&dy' s penchant 
 is obvious. 
 
 Crab. But, Benjamin, you must not 
 give up the pursuit for that: follow 
 her, and put her into good humour. 
 Repeat her some of your own verses. 
 Come, I '11 assist you. 470 
 
 Sir Ben. Mr. Surface, I did not 
 mean to hurt you ; but depend on 't 
 your brother is utterly undone. 
 
 Crab. Lud, ay! undone as ever 
 man was — can 't raise a guinea ! 
 
 Sir Ben. And everything sold, I 'm 
 told, that was movable. 
 
 Crab. I have seen one that was 
 at his house. Not a thing left but 
 some empty bottles that were over- 
 looked, and the family pictures, which 
 58 
 
The School for Scandal t# 
 
 I believe are framed in the wain- 
 scots. 481 
 
 Sir Ben. And I ? m very sorry also 
 to hear some bad stories against him. 
 
 [Going. 
 
 Crab. Oh, he has done many mean 
 things, that 's certain. 
 
 Sir Ben. But, however, as he's 
 your brother — \_Going. 
 
 Crab. We '11 tell you all another 
 opportunity. 
 
 [Exeunt Crabtree and Sir Benjamin. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Ha ! ha ! 'tis very 
 hard for them to leave a subject they 
 have not quite run down. 
 
 Jos. Surf. And I believe the abuse 
 was no more acceptable to your lady- 
 ship than Maria. 491 
 
 Lady Sneer. I doubt her affections 
 
 are farther engaged than we imagine. 
 
 But the family are to be here this 
 
 evening, so you may as well dine 
 
 59 
 
#t The School for Scandal 
 
 where you are, and we shall have an 
 opportunity of observing farther; in 
 the meantime, I ; 11 go and plot mis- 
 chief, and you shall study sentiment. 
 
 \_Exeunt 
 
 Scene II. 
 
 A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
 
 Sir Pet. When an old bachelor 
 marries a young wife, what is he to 
 expect? ? Tis now six months since 
 Lady Teazle made me the happiest of 
 men — and I have been the most mis- 
 erable dog ever since ! We tiffed a 
 little going to church, and fairly quar- 
 relled before the bells had done ring- 
 ing. I was more than once nearly 
 choked with gall during the honey- 
 moon, and had lost all comfort in life 
 before my friends had done wishing 
 60 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 me joy. Yet I chose with caution — a 
 girl bred wholly in the country, who 
 never knew luxury beyond one silk 
 gown, nor dissipation above the annual 
 gala of a race ball. Yet she now plays 
 her part in all the extravagant fop- 
 peries of fashion and the town, with 
 as ready a grace as if she never had 
 seen a bush or a grass-plot out of 
 Grosvenor Square ! I am sneered at 
 by all my acquaintance, and para- 
 graphed in the newspapers. She dis- 
 sipates my fortune, and contradicts all 
 my humours; yet the worst of it is, 
 I doubt I love her, or I should never 
 bear all this. However, I ? 11 never be 
 weak enough to own it. 24 
 
 Enter Rowley. 
 
 Row. Oh ! Sir Peter, your servant : 
 how is it with you, sir ? 
 
 Sir Pet. Very bad, Master Rowley, 
 61 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 very bad. I meet with nothing but 
 crosses and vexations. 
 
 Bow. What can have happened since 
 yesterday ? 
 
 Sir Pet. A good question to a mar- 
 ried man ! . 30 
 
 Bow. Nay, I >m sure, Sir Peter, 
 your lady can't be the cause of your 
 uneasiness. 
 
 Sir Pet. Why, has anybody told 
 you she was dead?, 
 
 Bow. Come, come, Sir Peter, you 
 love her, notwithstanding your tem- 
 pers don't exactly agree. 
 
 Sir Pet. But the fault is entirely 
 hers, Master Rowley. I am, myself, 
 the sweetest-tempered man alive, and 
 hate a teasing temper; and so I tell 
 her a hundred times a day. 41 
 
 Bow. Indeed ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay; and what is very 
 extraordinary, in all our disputes she 
 62 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 is always in the wrong! But Lady 
 Sneerwell, and the set she meets at 
 her house, encourage the perverseness 
 of her disposition. Then, to complete 
 my vexation, Maria, my ward, whom 
 I ought to have the power of a 
 father over, is determined to turn 
 rebel too, and absolutely refuses the 
 man whom I have long resolved on 
 for her husband; meaning, I suppose, 
 to bestow herself on his profligate 
 brother. 53 
 
 Bow. You know, Sir Peter, I have 
 always taken the liberty to differ with 
 you on the subject of these two young 
 gentlemen. I only wish you may not 
 be deceived in your opinion of the 
 elder. For Charles, my life on >t! he 
 will retrieve his errors yet. Their 
 worthy father, once my honoured mas- 
 ter, was, at his years, nearly as wild 
 a spark ; yet, when he died, he did not 
 63 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 leave a more benevolent heart to lament 
 his loss. 63 
 
 Sir Pet. You are wrong, Master 
 Kowley. On their father's death, you 
 know, I acted as a kind of guardian to 
 them both, till their uncle Sir Oliver's 
 liberality gave them an early independ- 
 ence: of course, no person could have 
 more opportunities of judging of their 
 hearts, and I was never mistaken in my 
 life. Joseph is indeed a model for the 
 young men of the age. He is a man 
 of sentiment, and acts up to the senti- 
 ments he professes ; but, for the other, 
 take my word for % if he had any 
 grain of virtue by descent, he has 
 dissipated it with the rest of his in- 
 heritance. Ah! my old friend, Sir 
 Oliver, will be deeply mortified when 
 he finds how part of his bounty has 
 been misapplied. 78 
 
 Bow. I am sorry to find you so vio- 
 64 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 lent against the young man, because 
 this may be the most critical period 
 of his fortune. I came hither with 
 news that will surprise you. 82 
 
 ■Sir Pet. What ! let me hear. 
 
 Row. Sir Oliver is arrived, and at 
 this moment in town. 
 
 Sir Pet. How! you astonish me! 
 I thought you did not expect him this 
 month. 
 
 Row. I did not: but his passage 
 has been remarkably quick. 89 
 
 Sir Pet. Egad, I shall rejoice to see 
 my old friend. ? Tis sixteen years since 
 we met. We have had many a day 
 together: — but does he still enjoin 
 us not to inform his nephews of his 
 arrival ? 
 
 Row. Most strictly. He means, 
 before it is known, to make some trial 
 of their dispositions. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ah ! there needs no art 
 65 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 to discover their merits — however, he 
 shall have his way; but, pray, does he 
 know I am married ? 100 
 
 Bow. Yes, and will soon wish you 
 joy. 
 
 Sir Pet. What, as we drink health 
 to a friend in a consumption ! Ah ! 
 Oliver will laugh at me. We used to 
 rail at matrimony together, but he has 
 been steady to his text. Well, he must 
 be soon at my house, though — I % 
 instantly give orders for his reception. 
 But, Master Eowley, don't drop a word 
 that Lady Teazle and I ever disagree. 
 
 Bow. By no means. 110 
 
 Sir Pet. For I should never be able 
 to stand NolPs jokes; so I '11 have him 
 think, Lord forgive me! that we are 
 a very happy couple. 
 
 Bow. I understand you : — but then 
 you must be very careful not to differ 
 while he is in the house with you. 
 66 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Sir Pet Egad and so we must — 
 and that 's impossible. Ah! Master 
 Rowley, when an old bachelor marries 
 a young wife, he deserves — no — the 
 crime carries its punishment along 
 with it. [Exeunt. 121 
 
 ACT SECOND. 
 Scene I. 
 
 A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's 
 
 House. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle. 
 
 Sir Pet Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, 
 I ? 11 not bear it ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. Sir Peter, Sir Peter, 
 you may bear it or not, as you please ; 
 but I ought to have my own way in 
 everything, and what ; s more, I will, 
 too. What! though I was educated 
 67 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 in the country, I know very well that 
 women of fashion in London are ac- 
 countable to nobody after they are 
 married. 
 
 Sir Pet Very well, ma'am, very 
 well ; so a husband is to have no influ- 
 ence, no authority ? 11 
 
 Lady Teaz. Authority! No, to be 
 sure : if you wanted authority over me, 
 you should have adopted me, and not 
 married me: I am sure you were old 
 enough. 
 
 Sir Pet Old enough! — ay, there 
 it is. Well, well, Lady Teazle, though 
 my life may be made unhappy by your 
 temper, I '11 not be ruined by your 
 extravagance ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. My extravagance ! I 'm 
 sure I 'm not more extravagant than a 
 woman of fashion ought to be. 22 
 
 Sir Pet No, no, madam, you shall 
 throw away no more sums on such un» 
 68 
 
The School for Scandal |# 
 
 meaning luxury. 'S life ! to spend as 
 much to furnish your dressing-room 
 with flowers in winter as would suffice 
 to turn the Pantheon into a green- 
 house, and give a fete ehampetre at 
 Christmas. 
 
 Lady Teaz. And am I to blame, Sir 
 Peter, because flowers are dear in cold 
 weather ? You should find fault with 
 the climate, and not with me. For my 
 part, I 'm sure I wish it was spring all 
 the year round, and that roses grew 
 under our feet! 34 
 
 Sir Pet. Oons ! madam — if you 
 had been born to this, I shouldn't 
 wonder at you talking thus; but you 
 forget what your situation was when 
 I married you. 
 
 Lady Teaz. No, no, I don't; 'twas 
 a very disagreeable one, or I should 
 never have married you. 41 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, yes, madam, you were 
 69 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 then in somewhat a humbler style — 
 the daughter of a plain country squire. 
 Becollect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you 
 first sitting at your tambour, in a pretty 
 figured linen gown, with a bunch of 
 keys at your side, your hair combed 
 smooth over a roll, and your apartment 
 hung round with fruits in worsted, of 
 your own working. 49 
 
 Lady Teaz. Oh, yes! I remember 
 it very well, and a curious life I led. 
 My daily occupation to inspect the 
 dairy, superintend the poultry, make 
 extracts from the family receipt-book, 
 and comb my aunt Deborah's lap-dog. 
 
 Sir Pet Yes, yes, ma'am, 'twas so 
 indeed. 
 
 Lady Teaz. And then you know, 
 my evening amusements! To draw 
 patterns for ruffles, which I had not 
 materials to make up; to play Pope 
 Joan with the curate; to read a ser- 
 70 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 mon to my aunt ; or to be stuck down 
 to an old spinet to strum my father to 
 sleep after a fox-chase. 62 
 
 Sir Pet. I am glad you have so 
 good a memory. Yes, madam, these 
 were the recreations I took you from; 
 but now you must have your coach — 
 vis-a-vis — and three powdered footmen 
 before your chair ; and, in the summer, 
 a pair of white cats to draw you to 
 Kensington Gardens. No recollection, 
 I suppose, when you were content to 
 ride double, behind the butler, on a 
 docked coach-horse. 71 
 
 Lady Teaz. No — I swear I never 
 did that: I deny the butler and the 
 coach-horse. 
 
 Sir Pet. This, madam, was your 
 situation; and what have I done for 
 you? I have made you a woman of 
 fashion, of fortune, of rank — in short, 
 I have made you my wife. 
 7i 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Teaz. Well, then, and there 
 is but one thing more you can make 
 me to add to the obligation, that 
 is — 80 
 
 Sir Pet. My widow, I suppose ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. Hem ! hem ! 
 
 Sir Pet. I thank you, madam — but 
 don't flatter yourself, for, though your 
 ill conduct may disturb my peace of 
 mind, it shall never break my heart, 
 I promise you : however, I am equally 
 obliged to you for the hint. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Then why will you en- 
 deavour to make yourself so disagree- 
 able to me, and thwart me in every 
 little elegant expense? 90 
 
 Sir Pet. ? S life, madam, I say, had 
 you any of these little elegant expenses 
 when you married me ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. Lud, Sir Peter! would 
 you have me be out of the fashion ? 
 
 Sir Pet. The fashion, indeed ! what 
 72 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 had you to do with the fashion before 
 you married me ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. For my part, I should 
 think you would like to have your wife 
 thought a woman of taste. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay — there again — taste ! 
 Zounds! madam, you had no taste 
 when you married me! 102 
 
 Lady Teaz. That ; s yery true, in- 
 deed, Sir Peter! and, after haying 
 married you, I should never pretend 
 to taste again, I allow. But now, Sir 
 Peter, since we have finished our daily 
 jangle, I presume I may go to my 
 engagement at Lady Sneerwell's. 108 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay, there ? s another pre- 
 cious circumstance — a charming set 
 of acquaintance you have made there! 
 
 Lady Teaz. Nay, Sir Peter, they 
 are all people of rank and fortune, 
 and remarkably tenacious of reputa- 
 tion. 
 
 73 
 
VkJ> 
 
 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, egad, they are tena- 
 cious of reputation with a vengeance; 
 for they don't choose anybody should 
 have a character but themselves ! Such 
 a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid 
 on a hurdle who has done less mischief 
 than these utterers of forged tales, coin- 
 ers of scandal, and clippers of reputa- 
 tion. » 121 
 
 Lady Teaz. What, would you re- 
 strain the freedom of speech? 
 
 Sir Pet. Ah ! they have made you 
 just as bad as any one of the society. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Why, I believe I do 
 bear a part with a tolerable grace. 
 
 Sir Pet. Grace indeed ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. But I vow I bear no 
 malice against the people I abuse: 
 when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis 
 out of pure good humour; and I take 
 it for granted they deal exactly in the 
 same manner with me. But, Sir Peter, 
 74 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 you know you promised to come to 
 Lady SneerwelPs too. 134 
 
 Sir Pet Well, well, I '11 call in, 
 just to look after my own character. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Then, indeed, you must 
 make haste after me, or you ; 11 be too 
 late. So good-bye to ye. [Exit 
 
 Sir Pet. So — I have gained much 
 by my intended expostulation! Yet 
 with what a charming air she contra- 
 dicts everything I say, and how pleas- 
 antly she shows her contempt for my 
 authority! Well, though I can't make 
 her love me, there is great satisfaction 
 in quarrelling with her; and I think 
 she never appears to such advantage 
 as when she is doing everything in 
 her power to plague me. [Exit 147 
 
 75 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Scene II. 
 
 A Boom in Lady Sneerwell's Souse. 
 
 Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour, Crab- 
 tree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and 
 Joseph Surface, discovered. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Nay, positively, we will 
 hear it. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yes, yes, the epigram, by 
 all means. 
 
 Sir Ben. plague on ? t, uncle ! 'tis 
 mere nonsense. 
 
 Crab. JSTo, no ; ? f ore Gad, very clever 
 for an extempore ! 
 
 Sir Ben. But, ladies, you should be 
 acquainted with the circumstance. You 
 must know, that one day last week, as 
 Lady Betty Curricle was taking the 
 dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of duo- 
 decimo phaeton, she desired me to write 
 7 6 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 some verses on her ponies ; upon which, 
 I took out my pocket-book, and in one 
 moment produced the following : 13 
 
 Sure never were seen two such beauti- 
 ful ponies ; 
 
 Other horses are clowns, but these 
 macaronies : 
 
 To give them this title I ? m sure can't 
 be wrong, 
 
 Their legs are so slim, and their tails 
 are so long. 
 
 Crab. There, ladies, done in the 
 smack of a whip, and on horseback 
 too. 
 
 Jos. Surf. A very Phoebus, mounted 
 — indeed, Sir Benjamin! 21 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, dear, sir! trifles — 
 trifles. 
 
 Enter Lady Teazle and Maria. 
 
 Mrs. Can. I must have a copy. 
 77 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Sneer. Lady Teazle, I hope 
 we shall see Sir Peter? 
 
 Lady Teaz. I believe lie '11 wait on 
 your ladyship presently. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Maria, my love, you 
 look grave. Come, you shall sit down 
 to piquet with Mr. Surface. 30 
 
 Mar. I take very little pleasure in 
 cards — however, I '11 do as your lady- 
 ship pleases. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I am surprised Mr. 
 Surface should sit down with her; 
 I thought he would have embraced 
 this opportunity of speaking to me 
 before Sir Peter came. [Aside. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Now, I '11 die, but you 
 are so scandalous, I '11 forswear your 
 society. 
 
 Lady Teaz. What 's the matter, 
 Mrs. Candour? 39 
 
 Mrs. Can. They '11 not allow our 
 friend Miss Vermilion to be handsome. 
 78 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Lady Sneer. Oh, surely she is a 
 pretty woman. 
 
 Crab. I am very glad you think so, 
 ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Can. She has a charming fresh 
 colour. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Yes, when it is fresh 
 put on. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Oh, fie ! I '11 swear her 
 colour is natural : I have seen it come 
 and go ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. I dare swear you have, 
 ma'am : it goes off at night, and comes 
 again in the morning. 49 
 
 Sir Ben. True, ma'am, it not only 
 comes and goes; but, what 's more, 
 egad, her maid can fetch and carry 
 it! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! how I hate 
 to hear you talk so ! But surely, now, 
 her sister is, or was, very handsome. 
 
 Crab. Who ? Mrs. Evergreen ? O 
 79 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lord ! she 7 s six and fifty if she 's an 
 hour! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Now positively you wrong 
 her; fifty-two or fifty-three is the ut- 
 most — and I don't think she looks 
 more. 60 
 
 Sir Ben. Ah! there 7 s no judging 
 by her looks, unless one could see her 
 face. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Well, well, if Mrs. Ever- 
 green does take some pains to repair 
 the ravages of time, you must allow 
 she effects it with great ingenuity ; and 
 surely that ? s better than the careless 
 manner in which the widow Ochre 
 caulks her wrinkles. 68 
 
 Sir Ben. Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, 
 you are severe upon the widow. Come, 
 come, 'tis not that she paints so ill — 
 but, when she has finished her face, she 
 joins it on so badly to her neck, that 
 she looks like a mended statue, in which 
 8o 
 
The School for Scandal fa 
 
 ^rT 
 
 the connoisseur may see at once that 
 the head is modern, though the trunk ? s 
 antique. 
 
 Crab. Ha! ha! ha! Well said, 
 nephew ! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ha ! ha ! ha ! "Well, you 
 make me laugh ; but I vow I hate you 
 for it. What do you think of Miss 
 Simper ? 
 
 Sir Ben. Why, she has very pretty 
 teeth. 80 
 
 Lady Teaz. Yes; and on that ac- 
 count, when she is neither speaking 
 nor laughing (which very seldom hap- 
 pens), she never absolutely shuts her 
 mouth, but leaves it always ajar, as it 
 were — thus. [Shows her teeth. 
 
 Mrs. Can. How can you be so ill- 
 natured ? 86 
 
 Lady Teaz. Nay, I allow even that ? s 
 better than the pains Mrs. Prim takes 
 to conceal her losses in front. She 
 81 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 draws her mouth till it positively re- 
 sembles the aperture of a poor ? s-box, 
 and all her words appear to slide out 
 edgewise, as it were — thus: How do 
 you do, madam ? Yes, madam. [Mimics. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Very well. Lady Teazle ; 
 I see you can be a little severe. 
 
 Lady Teaz. In defence of a friend 
 it is but justice. But here comes Sir 
 Peter to spoil our pleasantry. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ladies, your most obedi- 
 ent — [.4 side] Mercy on me, here is 
 the whole set! a character dead at 
 every word, I suppose. 100 
 
 Mrs. Can. I am rejoiced you are 
 come, Sir Peter. They have been so 
 censorious — and Lady Teazle as bad 
 as any one. 
 
 Sir Pet. That must be very dis- 
 tressing to you, indeed, Mrs. Candour. 
 82 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Mrs. Can. Oh, they will allow good 
 qualities to nobody ; not even good na- 
 ture to our friend Mrs. Pursy. 108 
 
 Lady Teaz. What, the fat dowager 
 who was at Mrs. Quadrille's last night ? 
 
 Mrs. Can. Nay, her bulk is her mis- 
 fortune; and, when she takes so much 
 pains to get rid of it, you ought not to 
 reflect on her. 
 
 Lady Sneer. That 's very true, in- 
 deed. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Yes, I know she almost 
 lives on acids and small whey; laces 
 herself by pulleys; and often, in the 
 hottest noon in summer, you may see 
 her on a little squat pony, with her 
 hair plaited up behind like a drum- 
 mer's and puffing round the Ring on a 
 full trot. 120 
 
 Mrs. Can. I thank you, Lady Teazle, 
 for defending her. 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, a good defence, truly. 
 83 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Mrs. Can. Truly, Lady Teazle is as 
 censorious as Miss Sallow. 
 
 Crab. Yes, and she is a curious 
 being to pretend to be censorious — an 
 awkward gawky, without any one good 
 point under heaven. 128 
 
 Mrs. Can. Positively you shall not 
 be so very severe. Miss Sallow is a 
 near relation of mine by marriage, 
 and, as for her person, great allow- 
 ance is to be made ; for, let me tell 
 you, a woman labours under many dis- 
 advantages who tries to pass for a girl 
 of six and thirty. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Though, surely, she is 
 handsome still — and for the weakness 
 in her eyes, considering how much she 
 reads by candlelight, it is not to be 
 wondered at. 138 
 
 Mrs. Can. True, and then as to her 
 manner; upon my word I think it is 
 particularly graceful, considering she 
 84 
 
The School for Scandal 
 
 «L^y 
 
 never had the least education; for 
 yon know her mother was a Welsh 
 milliner, and her father a sugar-baker 
 at Bristol. 
 
 Sir Ben. Ah ! you are both of you 
 too good-natured ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, damned good-natured ! 
 This their own relation ! mercy on me ! 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Mrs. Can. For my part, I own I can- 
 not bear to hear a friend ill spoken of. 
 
 Sir Pet. No, to be sure ! 150 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh ! you are of a moral 
 turn. Mrs. Candour and I can sit for 
 an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk 
 sentiment. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Nay, I vow Lady Stucco 
 is very well with t the dessert after 
 dinner; for she 's just like the French 
 fruit one cracks for mottoes — made 
 up of paint and proverb. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Well, I will never join in 
 85 
 
#£ The School for Scandal 
 
 ridiculing a friend ; and so I constantly 
 tell my cousin Ogle, and you all know 
 what pretensions she has to be critical 
 on beauty. 161 
 
 Crab. Oh, to be sure ! she has her- 
 self the oddest countenance that ever 
 was seen; 'tis a collection of features 
 from all the different countries of the 
 globe. 
 
 Sir Ben. So she has, indeed — an 
 Irish front — 
 
 Crab. Caledonian locks — 
 
 Sir Ben. Dutch nose — 
 
 Crab. Austrian lips — 
 
 Sir Ben. Complexion of a Span- 
 iard — 170 
 
 Crab. -And teeth a la Chinoise — 
 
 Sir Ben. In short, her face resembles 
 a table d'hdte at Spa — where no two 
 guests are of a nation — 
 
 Crab. Or a congress at the close of 
 a general war — wherein all the mem- 
 86 
 
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 bers, even to her eyes, appear to have 
 a different interest, and her nose and 
 chin are the only parties likely to join 
 issue. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ha! ha! ha! 179 
 
 Sir Pet. Mercy on my life! — a 
 person they dine with twice a week ! 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Nay, but I vow you shall 
 not carry the laugh off so — for give 
 me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle — 
 
 Sir Pet. Madam, madam, I beg your 
 pardon — there 's no stopping these 
 good gentlemen's tongues. But when 
 I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady 
 they are abusing is a particular friend 
 of mine, I hope you ? 11 not take her 
 part. 190 
 
 Lady Sneer. Ha ! ha ! ha ! well said, 
 
 Sir Peter ! but you are a cruel creature 
 
 — too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, 
 
 and too peevish to allow wit in others. 
 
 8? 
 
iH The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet Ah, madam, true wit is 
 more nearly allied to good nature than 
 your ladyship is aware of. 
 
 Lady Teaz. True, Sir Peter: I be- 
 lieve they are so near akin that they 
 can never be united. 
 
 Sir Ben. Or rather, suppose them 
 man and wife, because one seldom sees 
 them together. 200 
 
 Lady Teaz. But Sir Peter is such 
 an enemy to scandal, I believe he would 
 have it put down by parliament. 
 
 Sir Pet 'Fore heaven, madam, if 
 they were to consider the sporting with 
 reputation of as much importance as 
 poaching on manors, and pass an act 
 for the preservation of fame, as well 
 as game, I believe many would thank 
 them for the bill. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Lud! Sir Peter; 
 would you deprive us of our privi- 
 leges ? 211 
 88 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay, madam; and then no 
 person should be permitted to kill 
 characters and run down reputations, 
 but qualified old maids and disap- 
 pointed widows. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Go, you monster ! 
 
 Mrs. Can. But, surely, you would 
 not be quite so severe on those who 
 only report what they hear? 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, madam, I would have 
 law merchant for them too ; and in all 
 cases of slander currency, whenever 
 the drawer of the lie was not to 
 be found, the injured parties should 
 have a right to come on any of the 
 mdorsers. 223 
 
 Crab. Well, for my part, I believe 
 there never was a scandalous tale with- 
 out some foundation. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Come, ladies, shall 
 we sit down to cards in the next 
 room ? 
 
 89 
 
The School for Scandal 
 
 Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter. 
 
 Sir Pet. I '11 be with them directly. 
 [Exit Servant] I '11 get away unper- 
 ceived. [Aside. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Sir Peter, you are not 
 going to leave us ? 231 
 
 Sir Pet. Your ladyship must excuse 
 me; I 'm called away by particular 
 business. But I leave my character 
 behind me. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Ben. Well — certainly, Lady 
 Teazle, that lord of yours is a strange 
 being : I could tell you some stories of 
 him would make you laugh heartily if 
 he were not your husband. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Oh, pray don't mind 
 that; come, do let ? s hear them. 240 
 
 
 [Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Maria, I see you have no 
 satisfaction in this society. 
 90 
 
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 Mar. How is it possible I should ? 
 If to raise malicious smiles at the in- 
 firmities or misfortunes of those who 
 have never injured us be the province 
 of wit or humour. Heaven grant me a 
 double portion of dulness ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yet they appear more ill- 
 natured than they are ; they have no 
 malice at heart. 249 
 
 Mar. Then is their conduct still 
 more contemptible ; for, in my opinion, 
 nothing could excuse the intemperance 
 of their tongues but a natural and un- 
 controllable bitterness of mind. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly, madam ; and 
 it has always been a sentiment of 
 mine, that to propagate a malicious 
 truth wantonly is more despicable than 
 to falsify from revenge. But can you, 
 Maria, feel thus for others, and be un- 
 kind to me alone ? Is hope to be denied 
 the tenderest passion ? 261 
 
 9i 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Mar. Why will you distress me by 
 renewing this subject? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ah, Maria ! you would not 
 treat me thus, and oppose your guard- 
 ian, Sir Peter's will, but that I see that 
 profligate Charles is still a favoured 
 rival. 
 
 Mar. Ungenerously urged! But, 
 whatever my sentiments are for that 
 unfortunate young man, be assured I 
 shall not feel more bound to give him 
 up, because his distresses have lost 
 him the regard even of a brother. 27: 
 
 Jos. Surf. Nay, but, Maria, do not 
 leave me with a frown: by all that ? s 
 honest, I swear — [Kneels, 
 
 
 a 
 
 Re-enter Lady Teazle behind. 
 
 [Aside] Gad's life, here 's Lady 
 Teazle. — [Aloud to Maria] You must 
 not — no, you shall not — for, though 
 92 
 
 
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 I have the greatest regard for Lady 
 Teazle — 
 
 Mar. Lady Teazle! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yet were Sir Peter to 
 suspect — 280 
 
 Lady Teaz. [Coming forward] What 
 is this, pray? Does he take her for 
 me? Child, you are wanted in the 
 next room. — [Exit Mariaj What is all 
 this, pray ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, the most unlucky 
 circumstance in nature! Maria has 
 somehow suspected the tender concern 
 I have for your happiness, and threat- 
 ened to acquaint Sir Peter with her 
 suspicions, and I was just endeavour- 
 ing to reason with her when you came 
 in. 290 
 
 Lady Teaz. Indeed ! but you seemed 
 to adopt a very tender mode of reason- 
 ing — do you usually argue on your 
 knees ? 
 
 93 
 
#* The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, she ? s a child, and I 
 thought a little bombast — But, Lady 
 Teazle, when are you to give me 
 your judgment on my library, as you 
 promised ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. No, no ; I begin to think 
 it would be imprudent, and you know I 
 admit you as a lover no farther than 
 fashion requires. 300 
 
 Jos. Surf. True — a mere Platonic 
 cicisbeo, what every wife is entitled 
 to. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Certainly, one must not 
 be out of the fashion. However, I have 
 so many of my country prejudices left, 
 that, though Sir Peter's ill-humour 
 may vex me ever so, it never shall 
 provoke me to — 
 
 Jos. Surf. The only revenge in your 
 power. Well, I applaud your moder- 
 ation. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Go — you are an insinu- 
 94 
 
The School for Scandal He- 
 ating wretch ! But we shall be missed 
 -—let us join the company. 312 
 
 Jos. Surf. But we had best not 
 return together. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Well, don't stay; for 
 Maria shaVt come to hear any more 
 of your reasoning, I promise you. [Exit. 
 
 Jos. Surf. A curious dilemma, truly, 
 my politics have run me into ! I 
 wanted, at first, only to ingratiate 
 myself with Lady Teazle, that she 
 might not be my enemy with Maria; 
 and I have, I don't know how, become 
 her serious lover. Sincerely I begin 
 to wish I had never made such a point 
 of gaining so very good a character, 
 for it has led me into so many cursed 
 rogueries that I doubt I shall be ex- 
 posed at last. [Exit. 
 
 95 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 Scene III. 
 A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
 
 JZnter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! so my old 
 friend is married, hey ? — a young wife 
 out of the country. Ha ! ha ! ha ! that 
 he should have stood bluff to old 
 bachelor so long, and sink into a 
 husband at last ! 
 
 Row. But you must not rally him 
 on the subject, Sir Oliver; 'tis a tender 
 point, I assure you, though he has been 
 married only seven months. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Then he has been just half 
 a year on the stool of repentance ! — 
 Poor Peter! But you say he has en- 
 tirely given up Charles — never sees 
 him, hey? l: 
 
 Roto. His prejudice against him is 
 96 
 
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 astonishing, and I am sure greatly in- 
 creased by a jealousy of him with Lady 
 Teazle, which he has industriously been 
 led into by a scandalous society in the 
 neighbourhood, who have contributed 
 not a little to Charles's ill name. 
 Whereas the truth is, I believe, if the 
 lady is partial to either of them, his 
 brother is the favourite. 20 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay, I know there are a set 
 of malicious, prating, prudent gossips, 
 both male and female, who murder 
 characters to kill time, and will rob a 
 young fellow of his good name before 
 he has years to know the value of it. 
 But I am not to be prejudiced against 
 my nephew by such, I promise you! 
 No, no: if Charles has done nothing 
 false or mean, I shall compound for his 
 extravagance. 29 
 
 Row. Then, my life on ? t, you will 
 reclaim him. Ah, sir, it gives me new 
 97 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 life to find that your heart is not 
 turned against him, and that the son 
 of my good old master has one friend, 
 however, left. 
 
 Sir Oliv. What ! shall I forget, Mas- 
 ter Bowley, when I was at his years 
 myself ? Egad, my brother and I were 
 neither of us very prudent youths; 
 and yet, I believe, you have not seen 
 many better men than your old master 
 was? 
 
 How. Sir, 'tis this reflection gives 
 me assurance that Charles may yet be 
 a credit to his family. But here comes 
 Sir Peter. 42 
 
 Sir Oliv. Egad, so he does ! Mercy 
 on me ! he 's greatly altered, and seems 
 to have a settled married look ! One 
 may read husband in his face at this 
 distance ! 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
 98 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Sir Pet Ha! Sir Oliver — my old 
 friend! Welcome to England a thou- 
 sand times ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Thank you, thank you. Sir 
 Peter! and i' faith I am glad to find 
 you well, believe me ! 50 
 
 Sir Pet Oh ! 'tis a long time since 
 we met — fifteen years, I doubt, Sir 
 Oliver, and many a cross accident in 
 the time. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay, I have had my share. 
 But, what ! I find you are married, hey, 
 my old boy? Well, well, it can't be 
 helped; and so — I wish you joy with 
 all my heart ! 
 
 Sir Pet Thank you, thank you, Sir 
 Oliver. — Yes, I have entered into — 
 the happy state ; but we ? 11 not talk of 
 that now. 60 
 
 Sir Oliv. True, true, Sir Peter; old 
 friends should not begin on grievances 
 at first meeting. No, no, no. 
 99 
 
 LcfC. 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 Bow. [Aside to Sir Oliver] Take care, 
 pray, sir. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, so one of my 
 nephews is a wild rogue, hey ? 
 
 Sir Pet. Wild ! Ah ! my old friend, 
 I grieve for your disappointment 
 there; lie ; s a lost young man, in- 
 deed. However, his brother will make 
 you amends; Joseph is, indeed, what 
 a youth should be — everybody in the 
 world speaks well of him. 72 
 
 Sir Oliv. I am sorry to hear it ; he 
 has too good a character to be an 
 honest fellow. Everybody speaks well 
 of him! Psha! then he has bowed 
 as low to knaves and fools as to the 
 honest dignity of genius and virtue. 
 
 Sir Pet. What, Sir Oliver! do you 
 blame him for not making enemies ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, if he has merit 
 enough to deserve them. 81 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, well — you '11 be 
 ioo 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 convinced when you know him. "Tis 
 edification to hear him converse; he 
 professes the noblest sentiments. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his senti- 
 ments ! If he salutes me with a scrap 
 of morality in his mouth I shall be sick 
 directly. But, however, don't mistake 
 me, Sir Peter ; I don't mean to defend 
 Charles's errors : but, before I form my 
 judgment of either of them, I intend to 
 make a trial of their hearts; and my 
 friend Rowley and I have planned 
 something for the purpose. 93 
 
 Row. And Sir Peter shall own for 
 once he has been mistaken. 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, my life on Joseph's 
 honour ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well — come, give us a 
 bottle of good wine, and we '11 drink 
 the lads' health, and tell you our 
 scheme. 
 
 Sir Pet. Allons, then ! 100 
 
 IOI 
 
## The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Oliv. And don't, Sir Peter, be 
 so severe against your old friend's son. 
 Odds my life ! I am not sorry that he 
 has run out of the course a little : for 
 my part, I hate to see prudence cling- 
 ing to the green suckers of youth ; 'tis 
 like ivy round a sapling, and spoils the 
 growth of the tree. [Exeunt. 
 
 ACT THIRD. 
 
 Scene I. 
 
 A Boom in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle, Sir Oliver 
 Surface, and Eowley. 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, then, we will see this 
 fellow first, and have our wine after- 
 wards. But how is this, Master 
 Eowley? I don't see the jest of 
 your scheme. 
 
 Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, 
 
 102 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 whom I was speaking of, is nearly 
 related to them by their mother. He 
 was once a merchant in Dublin, but 
 has been ruined by a series of unde- 
 served misfortunes. He has applied, 
 by letter, since his confinement, both 
 to Mr. Surface and Charles: from the 
 former he has received nothing but 
 evasive promises of future service, 
 while Charles has done all that his 
 extravagance has left him power to 
 do ; and he is, at this time, endeavour- 
 ing to raise a sum of money, part of 
 which, in the midst of his own dis- 
 tresses, I know he intends for the ser- 
 vice of poor Stanley. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ah! he is my brother's 
 son. 19 
 
 Sir Pet Well, but how is Sir Oliver 
 personally to — 
 
 Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles 
 and his brother that Stanley has ob- 
 103 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 tained permission to apply personally 
 to his friends; and, as they have 
 neither of them ever seen him, let Sir 
 Oliver assume his character, and he 
 will have a fair opportunity of judg- 
 ing, at least, of the benevolence of 
 their dispositions : and believe me, sir, 
 you will find in the youngest brother 
 one who, in the midst of folly and dis- 
 sipation, has still, as our immortal bard 
 expresses it, — 32 
 
 u a heart to pity, and a hand, 
 Open as day, for melting charity." 
 
 Sir Pet Psha ! What signifies his 
 having an open hand or purse either, 
 when he has nothing left to give? 
 Well, well, make the trial, if you 
 please. But where is the fellow whom 
 you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, 
 relative to Charles's affairs ? 40 
 
 104 
 
 
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 Row. Below, waiting his commands, 
 and no one can give him better in- 
 telligence. — This, Sir Oliver, is a 
 friendly Jew, who, to do him justice, 
 has done everything in his power to 
 bring your nephew to a proper sense 
 of his extravagance. 
 
 Sir Pet. Pray let us have him in. 
 
 Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk up- 
 stairs. [Calls to Servant. 
 
 Sir Pet. But, pray, why should you 
 suppose he will speak the truth ? 50 
 
 Row. Oh, I have convinced him 
 that he has no chance of recovering 
 certain sums advanced to Charles, but 
 through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who 
 he knows is arrived ; so that you may 
 depend on his fidelity to his own in- 
 terests. I have also another evidence 
 in my power, one Snake, whom I have 
 detected in a matter little short of 
 forgery, and shall shortly produce to 
 105 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 remove some of your prejudices, Sir 
 Peter, relative to Charles and Lady 
 Teazle. 60 
 
 Sir Pet. I have heard too much on 
 that subject. 
 
 Bow. Here comes the honest Israel- 
 ite. 
 
 Enter Moses. 
 
 — This is Sir Oliver. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Sir, I understand you have 
 lately had great dealings with my 
 nephew Charles. 
 
 Mos. Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done 
 all I could for him; but he was 
 ruined before he came to me for 
 assistance. 
 
 Sir Oliv. That was unlucky, truly ; 
 for you have had no opportunity of 
 showing your talents. 70 
 
 Mos. None at all ; I had n't the 
 pleasure of knowing his distresses till 
 1 06 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 he was some thousands worse than 
 nothing. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Unfortunate, indeed ! But 
 I suppose you have done all in your 
 power for him, honest Moses? 
 
 Mos. Yes, he knows that. This very 
 evening I was to have brought him a 
 gentleman from the city, who does not 
 know him, and will, I believe, advance 
 him some money. 80 
 
 Sir Pet. What, one Charles has 
 never had money from before? 
 
 Mos. Yes, Mr. Premium, of Crutched 
 Friars, formerly a broker. 
 
 Sir Pel. Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought 
 strikes me ! — Charles, you say, does 
 not know Mr. Premium ? 
 
 Mos. Not at all. 
 
 Sir Pet. Now then, Sir Oliver, you 
 may have a better opportunity of satis- 
 fying yourself than by an old romanc- 
 ing tale of a poor relation : go with my 
 107 
 
?H The School for Scandal 
 
 friend Moses, and represent Premium, 
 and then, I ? 11 answer for it, you '11 see 
 your nephew in all his glory. 93 
 
 Sir Oliv. Egad, I like this idea 
 better than the other, and I may visit 
 Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. 
 
 Sir Pet. True — so you may. 
 
 Bow. Well, this is taking Charles 
 rather at a disadvantage, to be sure. 
 However, Moses, you understand Sir 
 Peter, and will be faithful ? 100 
 
 Mos. You may depend upon me. — 
 [Looks at his watch'] This is near the 
 time I was to have gone. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I '11 accompany you as 
 soon as you please, Moses — But hold ! 
 I have forgot one thing — how the 
 plague shall I be able to pass for a 
 Jew? 
 
 Mos. There ? s no need — the prin- 
 cipal is Christian. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Is he ? I ? m very sorry to 
 108 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 hear it. But, then again, an't I rather 
 too smartly dressed to look like a 
 money lender? ill 
 
 Sir Pet Not at all ; 'twould not be 
 out of character, if you went in your 
 own carriage — would it, Moses ? 
 
 Mos. Not in the least. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, but how must I 
 talk? there's certainly some cant of 
 usury and mode of treating that I 
 ought to know. 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, there 's not much to 
 learn. The great point, as I take it, 
 is to be exorbitant enough in your 
 demands. Hey, Moses ? 121 
 
 Mqs. Yes, that 's a very great point. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I '11 answer for 't I '11 not 
 be wanting in that. I '11 ask him 
 eight or ten per cent, on the loan, at 
 least. 
 
 Mos. If you ask him no more than 
 that, you '11 be discovered immediately. 
 109 
 
•£H The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Oliv. Hey ! what, the plague ! 
 how much then ? 
 
 Mos. That depends upon the cir- 
 cumstances. If he appears not very 
 anxious for the supply, you should 
 require only forty or fifty per cent.; 
 but if you find him in great distress, 
 and want the moneys very bad, you 
 may ask double. 133 
 
 Sir Pet. A good honest trade you 're 
 learning, Sir Oliver. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so — and 
 not unprofitable. 
 
 Mos. Then, you know, you have n't 
 the moneys yourself, but are forced to 
 borrow them for him of a friend. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh! I borrow it of a 
 friend, do I? 140 
 
 Mos. And your friend is an uncon- 
 scionable dog : but you can't help that. 
 
 Sir Oliv. My friend an unconscion- 
 able dog, is he ? 
 
 no 
 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Mos. Yes, and he himself has not 
 the moneys by him, but is forced to 
 sell stock at a great loss. 
 
 Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock 
 at a great loss, is he ? Well that 's 
 very kind of him. 
 
 Sir Pet. P faith, Sir Oliver — Mr. 
 Premium, I mean — you ? 11 soon be 
 master of the trade. But, Moses ! 
 would not you have him run out 
 a little against the Annuity Bill ? 
 That would be in character, I should 
 think. 152 
 
 Mos. Very much. 
 
 Bow. And lament that a young man 
 now must be at years of discretion be- 
 fore he is suffered to ruin himself ? 
 
 Mos. Ay, great pity ! 
 
 Sir Pet. And abuse the public for 
 allowing merit to an act whose only 
 object is to snatch misfortune and im- 
 prudence from the rapacious gripe of 
 
•SH The School for Scandal 
 
 usury, and give the minor a chance 
 of inheriting his estate without being 
 undone by coming into possession. 
 
 Sir Oliv. So, so — Moses shall give 
 me farther instructions as we go 
 together. 165 
 
 Sir Pet. You will not have much 
 time, for your nephew lives hard by. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, never fear ! my tutor 
 appears so able, that though Charles 
 lived in the next street, it must be my 
 own fault if I am not a complete rogue 
 before I turn the corner. 171 
 
 [Exit with Moses. 
 
 Sir Pet. So, now, I think Sir Oliver 
 will be convinced: you are partial, 
 Eowley, and would have prepared 
 Charles for the other plot. 
 
 Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter. 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, go bring me this 
 Snake, and I ? 11 hear what he has to 
 say presently. I see Maria, and want 
 
 112 
 
 
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 to speak with her. — [Exit Rowley] I 
 should be glad to be convinced my 
 suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles 
 were unjust. I have never yet opened 
 my mind on this subject to my friend 
 Joseph — I am determined I will do 
 it — he will give me his opinion sin- 
 cerely. 184 
 
 Enter Maria. 
 
 So, child, has Mr. Surface returned 
 with you. 
 
 Mar. No, sir ; he was engaged. 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, Maria, do you not 
 reflect, the more you converse with 
 that amiable young man, what return 
 his partiality for you deserves ? 
 
 Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your fre- 
 quent importunity on this subject dis- 
 tresses me extremely — you compel me 
 to declare, that I know no man who 
 has ever paid me a particular atten- 
 ds 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 tion whom I would not prefer to Mr. 
 Surface. 194 
 
 Sir Pet, So — here 's perverseness ! 
 No, no, Maria, 'tis Charles only whom 
 you would prefer. 7 Tis evident his 
 vices and follies have won your heart. 
 
 Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know 
 I have obeyed you in neither seeing 
 nor corresponding with him: I have 
 heard enough to convince me that he 
 is unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot 
 think it culpable, if, while my under- 
 standing severely condemns his vices, 
 my heart suggests some pity for his 
 distresses. 204 
 
 Sir Pet Well, well, pity him as 
 much as you please; but give your 
 heart and hand to a worthier ob- 
 ject. 
 
 Mar. Never to his brother. 
 
 Sir Pet. Go, perverse and obstinate ! 
 But take care, madam ; you have never 
 114 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 yet known what the authority of a 
 guardian is: don't compel me to in- 
 form you of it. 212 
 
 Mar. I can only say, you shall not 
 have just reason. 'Tis true, by my 
 father's will, I am for a short period 
 bound to regard you as his substitute ; 
 but must cease to think you so, when 
 you would compel me to be miserable. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed 
 as I am, everything conspiring to fret 
 me ! I had not been involved in matri- 
 mony a fortnight, before her father, a 
 hale and hearty man, died, on purpose, 
 I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing 
 me with the care of his daughter — 
 [Lady Teazle sings without^ But here 
 comes my helpmate! She appears in 
 great good humour. How happy I 
 should be if I could tease her into lov- 
 ing me, though but a little ! 
 
va^> 
 
 The School for Scandal 
 
 Enter Lady Teazle. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Lud ! Sir Peter, I hope 
 you have n't been quarrelling with 
 Maria ? It is not using me well to be 
 ill-humoured when I am not by. 230 
 
 Sir Pet Ah, Lady Teazle, you might 
 have the power to make me good-hu- 
 moured at all times. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish I had ; 
 for I want you to be in a charming 
 sweet temper at this moment. Do be 
 good-humoured now, and let me have 
 two hundred pounds, will you ? 
 
 Sir Pet Two hundred pounds ; what, 
 an't I to be in a good humour without 
 paying for it ! But speak to me thus, 
 and i' faith there '& nothing I could 
 refuse you. You shall have it; but 
 seal me a bond for the repayment. 242 
 
 Lady Teaz. Oh, no — there — my note 
 of hand will do as well. [Offering her hand. 
 116 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 Sir Pet. And you shall no longer 
 reproach, me with not giving you an 
 independent settlement. I mean shortly 
 to surprise you: but shall we always 
 live thus, hey ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. If you please. I 'm 
 sure I don't care how soon we leave off 
 quarrelling, provided you'll own you 
 were tired first. 251 
 
 Sir Pet. Well — then let our future 
 contest be, who shall be most oblig- 
 ing. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, 
 good nature becomes you. You look 
 now as you did before we were married, 
 when you used to walk with me under 
 the elms, and tell me stories of what a 
 gallant you were in your youth, and 
 chuck me under the chin, you would ; 
 and asked me if I thought I could love 
 an old fellow, who would deny me 
 nothing — did n't you ? 263 
 
 117 
 
## The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, yes, and you were as 
 kind and attentive — 
 
 Lady Teaz. Ay, so I was, and would 
 always take your part, when my ac- 
 quaintance used to abuse you, and turn 
 you into ridicule. 
 
 Sir Pet. Indeed ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. Ay, and when my 
 cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, 
 peevish old bachelor, and laughed at 
 me for thinking of marrying one who 
 might be my father, I have always 
 defended you, and said, I did n't think 
 you so ugly by any means. 274 
 
 Sir Pet. Thank you. 
 
 Lady Teaz. And I dared say you ? d 
 make a very good sort of a husband. 
 
 Sir Pet. And you prophesied right ; 
 and we shall now be the happiest 
 couple — 279 
 
 Lady Teaz. And never differ again ? 
 
 Sir Pet. No, never ! — though at 
 118 
 
 ! 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 the same time, indeed, my dear Lady 
 Teazle, you must watch your temper 
 very seriously; for in all our little 
 quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my 
 love, you always began first. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I beg your pardon, my 
 dear Sir Peter: indeed, you always 
 gave the provocation. 
 
 Sir Pet. Now see, my angel ! take 
 care — contradicting isn't the way to 
 keep friends. 
 
 Lady Teaz, Then don't you begin 
 it, my love ! 290 
 
 Sir Pet. There, now! you — you are 
 going on. You don't perceive, my life, 
 that you are just doing the very thing 
 which you know always makes me angry. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Nay, you know, if you 
 will be angry without any reason, my 
 dear — 
 
 Sir Pet. There! now you want to 
 quarrel again. 
 
 119 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Teaz. No, I'm sure I don't: 
 but if you will be so peevish — 
 
 Sir Pet. There now! who begins 
 first ? 300 
 
 Lady Teaz. Why, you, to be sure. 
 I said nothing — but there 's no bearing 
 your temper. 
 
 Sir Pet. No, no, madam : the fault's 
 in your temper. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Ay, you are just what 
 my cousin Sophy said you would be. 
 
 Sir Pet. Your cousin Sophy is a 
 forward, impertinent gipsy. 
 
 Lady Teaz. You are a great bear, 
 I'm sure, to abuse my relations. 310 
 
 Sir Pet. Now may all the plagues 
 of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I 
 try to be friends with you any more ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. So much the better. 
 
 Sir Pet. No, no, madam : 'tis evi- 
 dent you never cared a pin for me, and 
 I was a madman to marry you — a 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 pert, rural coquette, that had refused 
 half the honest squires in the neigh- 
 bourhood ! 319 
 
 Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a 
 fool to marry you — an old dangling 
 bachelor, who was single at fifty, only 
 because he never could meet with any 
 one who would have him. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay, ay, madam; but you 
 were pleased enough to listen to me : 
 you never had such an offer before. 
 
 Lady Teaz. JSTo ! did n't I refuse Sir 
 Tivy Terrier, who everybody said would 
 have been a better match ? for his es- 
 tate is just as good as yours, and he 
 has broke his neck since we have been 
 married. 331 
 
 Sir Pet. I have done with you, 
 madam! You are an unfeeling, un- 
 grateful — but there 's an end of 
 everything. I believe you capable of 
 everything that is bad. Yes, madam,. 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 I now believe the reports relative 
 to you and Charles, madam. Yes, 
 madam, you and Charles are, not 
 without grounds 
 
 Lady Teaz. Take care, Sir Peter ! 
 you had better not insinuate any such 
 thing ! I ? 11 not be suspected without 
 cause, I promise you. 341 
 
 Sir Pet. Very well, madam! very 
 well ! A separate maintenance as soon 
 as you please. Yes, madam, or a di- 
 vorce ! I ; 11 make an example of my- 
 self for the benefit of all old bachelors. 
 Let us separate, madam. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Agreed ! agreed ! And 
 now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a 
 mind once more, we may be the hap- 
 piest couple, and never differ again, 
 you know : ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, you 
 are going to be in a passion, I see, and 
 I shall only interrupt you — so, bye ! 
 bye ! [Exit. 352 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures ! can't 
 I make her angry either! Oh, I am 
 the most miserable fellow ! But I '11 
 not bear her presuming to keep her 
 temper : no ! she may break my heart, 
 but she sha'n't keep her temper. [Exit. 
 
 Scene II. 
 
 A Room in Charles Surface's House. 
 
 Enter Trip, Moses, and Sir Oliver 
 Surface. 
 
 Trip. Here, Master Moses ! if you '11 
 stay a moment I '11 try whether — 
 what 's the gentleman's name ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Mr. Moses, what is my 
 name ? [Aside to Moses. 
 
 Mos. Mr. Premium. 
 
 Trip. Premium — very well. 
 
 [Exit taking snuff. 
 
 Sir Oliv. To judge by the servants, 
 123 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 one would n't believe the master was 
 ruined. But what ! — sure, this was 
 my brother's house ? 9 
 
 Mos. Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought 
 it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, 
 pictures, etc., just as the old gentleman 
 left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece of 
 extravagance in him. 
 
 Sir Oliv. In my mind, the other's 
 economy in selling it to him was more 
 reprehensible by half. 
 
 Re-enter Trip. 
 
 Trip. My master says you must 
 wait, gentlemen: he has company, and 
 can't speak with you yet. 
 
 Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was 
 wanted to see him, perhaps he would 
 not send such a message. 21 
 
 Trip. Yes, yes, sir; he knows you 
 are here — I did not forget little 
 Premium : no, no, no. 
 124 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Oliv. Very well ; and I pray 
 sir, what may be your name ? 
 
 Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, 
 at your service. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you 
 have a pleasant sort of place here, I 
 guess ? 28 
 
 Trip. Why, yes — here are three or 
 four of us pass our time agreeably 
 enough ; but then our wages are some- 
 times a little in arrear — and not very 
 great either — but fifty pounds a year, 
 and find our own bags and bouquets. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets! hal- 
 ters and bastinadoes ! [Aside. 
 
 Trip. And a propos, Moses, have 
 you been able to get me that little bill 
 discounted ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money, 
 too ! — mercy on me ! Has his dis- 
 tresses, too, I warrant, like a lord, and 
 affects creditors and duns. [Aside. 40 
 
 I2 5 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Mos. 'Twas not to be done, indeed, 
 Mr. Trip. 
 
 Trip. Good lack, you surprise me! 
 My friend Brush has indorsed it, and I 
 thought when he put his name at the 
 back of a bill 'twas the same as cash. 
 
 Mos. No, 'twould n't do. 
 
 Trip. A small sum — but twenty 
 pounds. Hark'ee, Moses, do you think 
 you could n't get it me by way of 
 annuity ? 49 
 
 Sir Oliv. An annuity! ha! ha! a 
 footman raise money by way of an- 
 nuity ! Well done, luxury, egad ! 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Mos. Well, but you must insure 
 your place. 
 
 Trip. Oh, with all my heart ! I '11 
 insure my place, and my life, too, if 
 you please. 
 
 Sir Oliv. It 's more than I would 
 your neck. [Aside. 
 
 126 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Mos. But is there nothing you could 
 deposit ? 57 
 
 Trip. Why, nothing capital of my 
 master's wardrobe has dropped lately; 
 but I could give you a mortgage on 
 some of his winter clothes, with equity 
 of redemption before November — or 
 you shall have the reversion of the 
 French velvet, or a post-obit on the 
 blue and silver ; — these, I should 
 think, Moses, with a few pair of point 
 ruffles, as a collateral security — hey, 
 my little fellow ? 
 
 Mos. Well, well. [Bell rings. 
 
 Trip. Egad, I heard the bell! I 
 believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce 
 you. Don't forget the annuity, little 
 Moses ! This way, gentlemen, I '11 
 insure my place, you know. 71 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] If the man be a 
 shadow of the master, this is the temple 
 of dissipation, indeed ! Exeunt. 
 
 127 
 
#f The School for Scandal 
 
 Scene III. 
 
 Another Boom in the same. 
 
 Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, 
 Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered 
 drinking. 
 
 Chas. Surf. 'Fore heaven, 'tis true ! 
 — there 's the great degeneracy of the 
 age. Many of our acquaintance have 
 taste, spirit, and politeness ; but plague 
 on 't, they won't drink. 
 
 Care. It is so, indeed, Charles ! 
 they give into all the substantial lux- 
 uries of the table, and abstain from 
 nothing but wine and wit. Oh, cer- 
 tainly society suffers by it intolerably ! 
 for now, instead of the social spirit of 
 raillery that used to mantle over a 
 glass of bright Burgundy, their conver- 
 sation is become just like the Spa-| 
 128 
 
The School for Scandals 
 
 *=vT 
 
 water they drink, which has all the 
 pertness and flatulency of champagne, 
 without its spirit or flavour. 14 
 
 1 Gent. But what are they to do 
 who love play better than wine ? 
 
 Care. True ! there 's Sir Harry diets 
 himself for gaming, and is now under 
 a hazard regimen. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Then he '11 have the 
 worst of it. What ! you would n't train 
 a horse for the course by keeping him 
 from corn ? For my part, egad, I am 
 never so successful as when I am a 
 little merry : let me throw on a bottle 
 of champagne, and I never lose. 24 
 
 All. Hey, what ? 
 
 Care. At least I never feel my 
 losses, which is exactly the same thing. 
 
 2 Gent. Ay, that I believe. 
 
 Chas. Surf. And then, what man 
 can pretend to be a believer in love, 
 who is an abjurer of wine? 'Tis the 
 129 
 
iH The School for Scandal 
 
 test by which, the lover knows his own 
 heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen 
 beauties, and she that floats at the 
 top is the maid that has bewitched 
 you. 34 
 
 Care, Now, then, Charles, be honest, 
 and give us your real favourite. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld 
 her only in compassion to you. If I 
 toast her, you must give a round of 
 her peers, which is impossible — on 
 earth. 
 
 Care. Oh ! then we '11 find some 
 canonised vestals or heathen goddesses 
 that will do, I warrant ! 42 
 
 Chas. Surf. Here then, bumpers, you 
 rogues ! bumpers ! Maria ! Maria ! 
 
 Sir Har. Maria who ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, damn the surname ! 
 — 'tis too formal to be registered in 
 Love's calendar — Maria ! 
 
 AIL Maria ! 
 
 130 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, 
 beware, we must have beauty super- 
 lative. 51 
 
 Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry : 
 we '11 stand to the toast, though your 
 mistress should want an eye, and you 
 know you have a song will excuse you. 
 
 Sir Har. Egad, so I have ! and I '11 
 give him the song instead of the lady. 
 
 [Sings. 
 
 Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen ; 
 
 Here 's to the widow of fifty ; 
 Here 's to the flaunting extravagant 
 quean, 60 
 
 And here 's to the housewife that 's 
 thrifty. 
 
 Chorus. Let the toast pass, — 
 
 Drink to the lass, 
 I '11 warrant she '11 prove an excuse for 
 the glass. 
 
 I 3 I 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Here 's to the charmer whose dimples 
 we prize ; 
 Now to the maid who has none, sir : 
 Here ? s to the girl with a pair of blue 
 eyes, 
 And here ? s to the nymph with but 
 one, sir. 
 Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 
 
 Here ? s to the maid with a bosom of 
 snow : 70 
 
 Now to her that ? s as brown as a 
 berry : 
 Here ? s to the wife with a face full of 
 woe, 
 And now to the damsel that ? s merry. 
 Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 
 
 For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be 
 slim, 
 Young or ancient, I care not a 
 feather ; 
 
 132 
 
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 So fill a pint bumper quite up to the 
 
 brim, 
 So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the 
 
 brim, 
 And let us e'en toast them together. 
 Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 80 
 
 AIL Bravo! bravo! 
 
 Enter Trip, and whispers Charles 
 Surface. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Gentlemen, you must 
 excuse me a little. — Careless, take the 
 chair, will you ? 
 
 Care. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles, what 
 now? This is one of your peerless 
 beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by 
 chance ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. No, faith ! To tell you 
 the truth, 'tis a Jew and a broker, who 
 are come by appointment. 
 !33 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Care. Oh, damn it ! let ? s have the 
 Jew in. 90 
 
 1 Gent. Ay, and the broker too, by 
 all means. 
 
 2 Gent. Yes, yes, the Jew and the 
 broker. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Egad, with all my heart ! 
 — Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. — 
 [Exit Trip] Though there 's one of 
 them a stranger, I can tell you. 
 
 Care. Charles, let us give them 
 some generous Burgundy, and perhaps 
 they '11 grow conscientious. 97 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, hang 'em, no ! wine 
 does but draw forth a man's natural 
 qualities; and to make them drink 
 would only be to whet their knavery. 
 
 Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface 
 and Moses. 
 
 Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses; 
 !34 
 
The School for Scandal f# 
 
 walk in, pray, Mr. Premium — that 
 's the gentleman's name, isn't it, 
 Moses ? 
 
 Mos. Yes, sir. 
 
 Chas. Surf, Set chairs, Trip. — Sit 
 down, Mr. Premium. — Glasses, Trip. 
 — [ Trip gives chairs and glasses, and exit\ 
 Sit down, Moses. — Come, Mr. Pre- 
 mium, I '11 give you a sentiment; 
 here 's Success to usury! — Moses, fill 
 the gentleman a bumper. ill 
 
 Mos. Success to usury ! [Drinks. 
 
 Care. Eight, Moses — usury is pru- 
 dence and industry, and deserves to 
 succeed. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Then here 's — All the 
 success it deserves ! [Drinks. 
 
 Care. No, no, that won't do! Mr. 
 Premium, you have demurred at the 
 toast, and must drink it in a pint 
 bumper. 
 
 1 Gent. A pint bumper, at least. 
 *3S 
 
#? The School for Scandal 
 
 Mos. Oh, pray, sir, consider — Mr, 
 Premium 's a gentleman. 121 
 
 Care. And therefore loves good 
 wine. 
 
 2 Gent. Give Moses a quart glass 
 — this is mutiny, and a high con- 
 tempt for the chair. 
 
 Care. Here, now for 't! I '11 see 
 justice done to the last drop of my 
 bottle. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemeu — 
 I did not expect this usage. 
 
 Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you sha'n't ; 
 Mr. Premium 's a stranger. 130 
 
 Sir Oliv. Odd ! I wish I was well 
 out of their company. [Aside. 
 
 Care. Plague on 'em then! if they 
 won't drink, we '11 not sit down with 
 them. Come, Harry, the dice are in 
 the next room. — Charles, you '11 join 
 us when you have finished your busi- 
 ness with the gentlemen? 
 136 
 
The School for Scandal *# 
 
 Chas. Surf. I will ! I will ! — [Exeunt 
 Sir Henry Bumper and Gentlemen ; Careless 
 following'] Careless! 140 
 
 Care. [Returning] Well! 
 
 Chas. Surf Perhaps I may want 
 you. 
 
 Care. Oh, you know I am always 
 ready : word, note, or bond, 'tis all the 
 same to me. [Exit. 
 
 Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a 
 gentleman of the strictest honour and 
 secrecy ; and always performs what he 
 undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is 
 
 Chas. Surf. Psha ! have done. Sir, 
 my friend Moses is a very honest fel- 
 low, but a little slow at expression: 
 he ? 11 be an hour giving us our titles. 
 Mr. Premium, the plain state of the 
 matter is this: I am an extravagant 
 young fellow who wants to borrow 
 money ; you I take to be a prudent old 
 fellow, who have got money to lend. 
 *37 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 I am blockhead enough, to give fifty 
 per cent, sooner than not have it ; and 
 you, I presume, are rogue enough to 
 take a hundred if you can get it. Now, 
 sir, you see we are acquainted at once, 
 and may proceed to business without 
 farther ceremony. 161 
 
 Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon 
 my word. I see, sir, you are not a 
 man of many compliments. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir! plain 
 dealing in business I always think 
 best. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better 
 for it. However, you are mistaken in 
 one thing; I have no money to lend, 
 but I believe I could procure some of 
 a friend ; but then he ? s an unconscion- 
 able dog. Isn't he, Moses ? And must 
 sell stock to accommodate you. Must n't 
 he, Moses ? 172 
 
 Mos. Yes, indeed ! You know I 
 138 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 always speak the truth, and scorn to 
 tell a lie! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Eight. People that 
 speak truth generally do. But these 
 are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I 
 know money is n't to be bought with- 
 out paying for >t! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, but what security 
 could you give? You have no land, 
 I suppose? 180 
 
 Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a 
 twig, but what 's in the bough-pots out 
 of the window ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume ? 
 
 Chas. Surf Nothing but live stock 
 — and that ? s only a few pointers and 
 ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are 
 you acquainted at all with any of my 
 connections ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Then you must know 
 that I have a devilish rich uncle in the 
 i39 
 
#§ The School for Scandal 
 
 East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from 
 whom I have the greatest expecta- 
 tions ? 192 
 
 Sir Oliv. That you have a wealthy 
 uncle, I have heard; but how your 
 expectations will turn out is more, I 
 believe, than you can tell. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, no ! — there can be 
 no doubt. They tell me I 'm a prodi- 
 gious favourite, and that he talks of 
 leaving me everything. 
 
 Sir- Oliv. Indeed ! this is the first 
 I 've heard of it. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. 
 Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, 
 Moses ? 201 
 
 Mos. Oh, yes ! I '11 swear to 't. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Egad, they '11 persuade me 
 presently I 'm at Bengal. [Aside. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Now, I propose, Mr. 
 Premium, if it 's agreeable to you, a 
 post-obit on Sir Oliver's life : though at 
 140 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 the same time the old fellow has been 
 so liberal to me, that I give you my 
 word I should be very sorry to hear 
 that anything had happened to him. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, 
 I assure you. But the bond you men- 
 tion happens to be just the worst secur- 
 ity you could offer me — for I might 
 live to a hundred and never see the 
 principal. 215 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, yes, you would! 
 the moment Sir Oliver dies, you 
 know, you would come on me for the 
 money. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Then I believe I should 
 be the most unwelcome dun you ever 
 had in your life. 220 
 
 Chas. Surf. What ! I suppose you 're 
 afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a 
 life? 
 
 Sir Oliv. No, indeed I am not; 
 though I have heard he is as hale and 
 141 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 healthy as any man of his years in 
 Christendom. 
 
 Chas. Surf. There again, now, you 
 are misinformed. No, no, the climate 
 has hurt him considerably, poor uncle 
 Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I ; m 
 told — and is so much altered lately 
 that his nearest relations would not 
 know him. 230 
 
 Sir Oliv. No ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! so much 
 altered lately that his nearest relations 
 would not know him ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 egad — ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ha ! ha ! — you 're glad 
 to hear that, little Premium ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. No, no, I 'm not. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, you are — ha ! 
 ha! ha! — you know that mends your 
 chance. 
 
 Sir Oliv. But I ? m told Sir Oliver is 
 coming over ; nay, some say he is actu- 
 ally arrived. 241 
 142 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Chas. Surf. Psha ! sure I must know 
 better than you whether he 's come or 
 not. No, no, rely on ? t he ? s at this 
 moment at Calcutta. Is n ? t he, Moses ? 
 
 Mos. Oh, yes, certainly. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Very true, as you say, you 
 must know better than I, though I have 
 it from pretty good authority. Haye n ? t 
 I, Moses ? 
 
 Mos. Yes, most undoubted ! 250 
 
 Sir Oliv. But, sir, as I understand 
 you want a few hundreds immediately, 
 is there nothing you could dispose of ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. How do you mean ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have 
 heard that your father left behind him 
 a great quantity of massy old plate. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Lud ! that ; s gone 
 long ago. Moses can tell you how 
 better than I can. 259 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Good lack ! all the 
 family race-cups and corporation-bowls ! 
 i43 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 — [Aloud] Then it was also supposed 
 that his library was one of the most 
 valuable and compact. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, so it was — 
 vastly too much so for a private gen- 
 tleman. For my part, I was always 
 of a communicative disposition, so I 
 thought it a shame to keep so much 
 knowledge to myself. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Mercy upon me! 
 learning that had run in the family 
 like an heirloom ! — [Aloud] Pray, what 
 are become of the books ? 272 
 
 Chas. Surf. You must inquire of 
 the auctioneer, Master Premium, for 
 I don't believe even Moses can direct 
 you. 
 
 Mos. I know nothing of books. 
 
 Sir Oliv. So, so, nothing of the fam- 
 ily property left, I suppose ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed; un- 
 less you have a mind to the family 
 144 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 pictures. I have got a room full of 
 ancestors above; and if you have a 
 taste for old paintings, egad, you shall 
 have ? em a bargain ! 283 
 
 Sir Oliv. Hey! what the devil! 
 sure, you would n't sell your fore- 
 fathers, would you? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Every man of them, to 
 the best bidder. 
 
 Sir Oliv. What! your great-uncles 
 and aunts? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grand- 
 fathers and grandmothers too. 289 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Now I give him 
 up! — [Aloud] What the plague, have 
 you no bowels for your own kindred ? 
 Odds life ! do you take me for Shylock 
 in the play, that you would raise money 
 of me on your own flesh and blood ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, 
 don't be angry : what need you care, if 
 you have your money's worth ? 
 M5 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, I ? 11 be the pur- 
 chaser: I think I can dispose of the 
 family canvas. — [Aside] Oh, I ? 11 never 
 forgive him this ! never ! 301 
 
 Re-enter Careless. 
 
 Care. Come, Charles, what keeps 
 you? 
 
 Chas. Surf. I can't come yet. V 
 faith, we are going to have a sale above 
 stairs ; here 's little Premium will buy 
 all my ancestors ! 
 
 Care. Oh, burn your ancestors ! 
 
 Chas. Surf. No, he may do that 
 afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Care- 
 less, we want you : egad, you shall be 
 auctioneer — so come along with us. 3ic 
 
 Care. Oh, have with you, if that ? s 
 the case, I can handle a hammer as 
 well as a dice-box ! Going ! going ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates ! [Aside. 
 
 Chas. Surf Come, Moses, you shall 
 146 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's 
 life, little Premium, you don't seem to 
 like the business ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, yes, I do, vastly ! Ha ! 
 ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke 
 to sell one's family by auction — ha! 
 ha ! — [^de] Oh, the prodigal ! 321 
 
 Chas. Surf. To be sure ! when a man 
 wants money, where the plague should 
 he get assistance, if he can't make free 
 with his own relations ! [Exeunt. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I '11 never forgive him; 
 never! never! 
 
 M7 
 
•SH The School for Scandal 
 
 ACT FOURTH. 
 
 Scene I. 
 
 A Picture Boom in Charles Surface's 
 House. 
 
 Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver 
 Surface, Moses, and Careless. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, 
 pray walk in; — here they are, the 
 family of the Surfaces, up to the Con- 
 quest. 
 
 Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a 
 goodly collection. 
 
 Chas. Surf Ay, ay, these are done 
 in the true spirit of portrait-painting; 
 no volontihre grace or expression. Not 
 like the works of your modern Ra- 
 phaels, who give you the strongest re- 
 semblance, yet contrive to make your 
 portrait independent of you; so that 
 148 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 you may sink the original and not hurt 
 the picture. No, no; the merit of 
 these is the inveterate likeness — all 
 stiff and awkward as the originals, and 
 like nothing in human nature besides. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ah! we shall never see 
 such figures of men again. 16 
 
 Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you 
 see, Master Premium, what a domestic 
 character I am ; here I sit of an even- 
 ing surrounded by my family. But 
 come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auction- 
 eer; here ? s an old gouty chair of my 
 grandfathers will answer the purpose. 
 
 Care. Ay, ay, this will do. But, 
 Charles, I have n't a hammer; and 
 what ? s an auctioneer without his ham- 
 mer? 25 
 
 Chas. Surf. Egad, that 's true. What 
 
 parchment have we here? Oh, our 
 
 genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down] 
 
 Here, Careless, you shall have no com- 
 
 149 
 
•JH The School for Scandal 
 
 mon bit of mahogany, here 's the family 
 tree for you, you rogue ! This shall be 
 your hammer, and now you may knock 
 down my ancestors with their own 
 pedigree. 32 
 
 Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue ! 
 — an ex post facto parricide! [Aside. 
 
 Care. Yes, yes, here 's a list of your 
 generation indeed ; — faith, Charles, 
 this is the most convenient thing you 
 could have found for the business, for 
 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but 
 a catalogue into the bargain. Come, 
 begin — A-going, a-going, a-going ! 40 
 
 Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless! Well, 
 here 's my great-uncle, Sir Eichard 
 Baveline, a marvellous good general 
 in his day, I assure you. He served 
 in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, 
 and got that cut over his eye at the 
 battle of Malplaquet. What say you, 
 Mr. Premium? look at him — there 's 
 1 50 
 
The School for Scandal Hf 
 
 a hero ! not cut out of his feathers, as 
 your modern clipped captains are, but 
 enveloped in wig and regimentals, as 
 a general should be. What do you 
 bid ? 50 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside to Moses"] Bid him 
 speak. 
 
 Mos. Mr. Premium would have you 
 speak. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall 
 have him for ten pounds, and I 'm 
 sure that ? s not dear for a staff-officer. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Heaven deliver me ! 
 his famous uncle Richard for ten 
 pounds ! — [Aloud] Very well, sir, I 
 take him at that. 58 
 
 Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down 
 my uncle Richard. — Here, now, is a 
 maiden sister of his, my great-aunt 
 Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best 
 manner, and esteemed a very formidable 
 likeness. There she is, you see, a shep- 
 
«SH The School for Scandal 
 
 herdess feeding her flock. You shall 
 have her for five pounds ten — the 
 sheep are worth the money. 
 
 Sir Oliv. \Aside] Ah! poor Debo- 
 rah! a woman who set such a value 
 on herself! — [^Zowd] Five pounds ten 
 — she 's mine. 69 
 
 Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt 
 Deborah! Here, now, are two that 
 were a sort of cousins of theirs. — You 
 see, Moses, these pictures were done 
 some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, 
 and the ladies their own hair. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses 
 appear to have been a little lower in 
 those days. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple 
 for the same. 
 
 Mos. ? Tis a good bargain. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Careless! — This, now, 
 is a grandfather of my mother's, a 
 learned judge, well known on the west- 
 152 
 
 
The School for Scandal *# 
 
 em circuit. — What do you rate him 
 at, Moses ? 82 
 
 Mos. Four guineas. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Four guineas! Gad's 
 life, you don't bid me the price of his 
 wig. — Mr. Premium, you have more 
 respect for the woolsack; do let us 
 knock his lordship down at fifteen. 
 
 Sir Oliv. By all means. 
 
 Care. Gone ! 89 
 
 Chas. Surf. And there are two broth- 
 ers of his, William and Walter Blunt, 
 Esquires, both members of Parliament, 
 and noted speakers ; and, what 's very 
 extraordinary, I believe, this is the first 
 time they were ever bought or sold. 
 
 Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary, 
 indeed! I '11 take them at your own 
 price, for the honour of Parliament. 
 
 Care. Well said, little Premium! 
 I ; 11 knock them down at forty. 100 
 
 (J has. Surf. Here 's a jolly fellow 
 i53 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 — I don't know what relation, but he 
 was mayor of Norwich: take him at 
 eight pounds. 
 
 Sir Oliv. No, no; six will do for 
 the mayor. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, 
 and I '11 throw you the two aldermen 
 there into the bargain. 
 
 Sir Oliv. They ? re mine. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down 
 the mayor and aldermen. But, plague 
 on ; t! we shall be all day retailing in 
 this manner ; do let us deal wholesale : 
 what say you, little Premium? Give 
 me three hundred pounds for the rest 
 of the family in the lump. 113 
 
 Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best 
 way. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, well, anything to 
 accommodate you ; they are mine. But 
 there is one portrait which you have 
 always passed over. 
 i54 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 Care, What, that ill-looking little 
 fellow over the settee. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; 
 though I don't think him so ill-looking 
 a little fellow, by any means. 122 
 
 Chas. Surf. What, that ? Oh ; that 's 
 my uncle Oliver ! 'twas done before he 
 went to India. 
 
 Care. Your uncle Oliver ! Gad, 
 then you '11 never be friends, Charles. 
 That, now, to me, is as stern a looking 
 rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving 
 eye, and a damned disinheriting coun- 
 tenance! an inveterate knave, depend 
 on 't. Don't you think so, little 
 Premium ? i 130 
 
 Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do 
 not; I think it is as honest a looking 
 face as any in the room, dead or alive. 
 But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with 
 the rest of the lumber ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. No, hang it ! I '11 not 
 i55 
 
#S The School for Scandal 
 
 part with poor Noll. The old fellow 
 has been very good to me, and, egad, 
 I '11 keep his picture while I 've a 
 room to put it in. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside'] The rogue 's my 
 nephew after all ! — [Aloud] But, sir, 
 I have somehow taken a fancy to that 
 picture. 141 
 
 Chas. Surf. I 'm sorry for 't, for 
 you certainly will not have it. Oons, 
 have n't you got enough of them ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] I forgive him 
 everything ! — [Aloud] But, sir, when 
 I take a whim in my head, I don't 
 value money. I '11 give you as much 
 for that as for all the rest. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Don't tease me, master 
 broker ; I tell you I '11 not part with 
 it, and there 's an end of it. 151 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] How like his 
 father the dog is ! — [Aloud] Well, 
 well, I have done. — [4 side] I did not 
 156 
 
The School for Scandal ?# 
 
 perceive it before, but I think I never 
 saw such a striking resemblance. — 
 [Aloud] Here is a draft for your 
 sum. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, 'tis for eight hun- 
 dred pounds. 
 
 Sir Oliv. You will not let Sir Oliver 
 go? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Zounds ! no ! I tell you 
 once more. 159 
 
 Sir Oliv. Then never mind the dif- 
 ference, we '11 balance that another 
 time. But give me your hand on the 
 bargain ; you are an honest fellow, 
 Charles — I beg pardon, sir, for being 
 so free. — Come, Moses. 
 
 Chas. Surf Egad, this is a whim- 
 sical old fellow ! — But hark 'ee, Pre- 
 mium, you '11 prepare lodgings for these 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, I '11 send for 
 them in a day or two. 
 *57 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Chas. Surf. But hold ; do now 
 send a genteel conveyance for them, 
 for, I assure you, they were most 
 of them used to ride in their own 
 carriages. 172 
 
 Sir Oliv. I will, I will — for all but 
 Oliver. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little 
 nabob. 
 
 Sir Oliv. You ? re fixed on that ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Peremptorily. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] A dear extrava- 
 gant rogue ! — [Aloud'] Good day ! — 
 Come, Moses. — [Aside] Let me hear 
 now who dares call him profligate. 
 
 [Exit with Moses. 
 
 Care. Why, this is the oddest genius 
 of the sort I ever met with ! 182 
 
 Chas. Surf. Egad, he 's the prince 
 
 of brokers, I think. I wonder how the 
 
 devil Moses got acquainted with so 
 
 honest a fellow. — Ha ! here ? s Eowley. 
 
 158 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 — Do, Careless, say I '11 join the com- 
 pany in a few moments. 
 
 Care. I will — but don't let that 
 old blockhead persuade you to squander 
 any of that money on old musty debts, 
 or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, 
 Charles, are the most exorbitant fel- 
 lows. 192 
 
 Chas. Surf. Very true, and paying 
 them is only encouraging them. 
 
 Care. Nothing else. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, never fear. — 
 [Exit Careless] So! this was an odd 
 old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two- 
 thirds of these five hundred and thirty 
 odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore 
 heaven! I find one's ancestors are 
 more valuable relations than I took 
 them for ! — Ladies and gentlemen, 
 your most obedient and very grateful 
 servant. 203 
 
 [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. 
 159 
 
<SH The School for Scandal 
 
 Enter Rowley. 
 
 Ha! old Kowley ! egad, you are just 
 come in time to take leave of your old 
 acquaintance. 
 
 Bow. Yes, I heard they were a 
 going. But I wonder you can have 
 such spirits under so many distresses. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, there ? s the point ! 
 my distresses are so many, that I can't 
 afford to part with my spirits ; but I 
 shall be rich and splenetic, all in good 
 time. However, I suppose you are sur- 
 prised that I am not more sorrowful at 
 parting with so many near relations; 
 to be sure, 'tis very affecting, but you 
 see they never move a muscle, so why 
 should I ? 216 
 
 Bow. There 's no making you seri- 
 ous a moment. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. 
 Here, my honest Eowley, here, get me 
 1 60 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 this changed directly, and take a hun- 
 dred pounds of it immediately to old 
 Stanley. . 221 
 
 Row. A hundred pounds! Con- 
 sider only 
 
 Chas. Surf. Gad's life, don't talk 
 about it! poor Stanley's wants are 
 pressing, and, if you don't make haste, 
 we shall have some one call that has a 
 better right to the money. 
 
 Row. Ah! there 's the point! I 
 never will cease dunning you with the 
 old proverb 
 
 Chas. Surf. Be just before you We 
 generous. — Why, so I would if I could ; 
 but Justice is an old, hobbling beldame, 
 and I can't get her to keep pace with 
 Generosity, for the soul of me. 233 
 
 Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one 
 hour's reflection 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, it 's very true - 
 but, hark 'ee, Rowley, while I have, by 
 161 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Heaven I '11 give ; so, damn your econ- 
 omy ! and now for hazard. [Exeunt. 
 
 Scene II. 
 Another Boom in the same. 
 
 Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. 
 
 Mos. Well, sir, I think, as Sir Peter 
 said, you have seen Mr. Charles in high 
 glory ; 'tis great pity he ? s so extrava- 
 gant. 
 
 Sir Oliv. True, but he would not 
 sell my picture. 
 
 Mos. And loves wine and women so 
 much. 
 
 Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my 
 picture. 
 
 Mos. And games so deep. 
 
 Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my 
 picture. Oh, here 's Rowley. 
 162 
 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Enter Rowley. 
 
 Row. So, Sir Oliver, I find you have 
 made a purchase ll 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, our young rake 
 has parted with his ancestors like old 
 tapestry. 
 
 Row. And here has he commissioned 
 me to re-deliver you part of the pur- 
 chase money — I mean, though, in your 
 necessitous character of old Stanley. 
 
 Mos. Ah! there is the pity of all; 
 he is so damned charitable. 19 
 
 Row. And I left a hosier and two 
 tailors in the hall, who, I 'm sure won't 
 be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 
 them. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, well, I '11 pay his 
 debts, and his benevolence, too. But 
 now I am no more a broker, and you 
 shall introduce me to the elder brother 
 as old Stanley. 
 
 163 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Row. Not yet awhile ; Sir Peter, I 
 know, means to call there about this 
 time. 
 
 Enter Trip. 
 
 Trip. Oh, gentlemen, I beg pardon 
 for not showing you out ; this way — 
 Moses, a word. [Exit with Moses. 30 
 
 Sir Oliv. There 's a fellow for you ! 
 Would you believe it, that puppy in- 
 tercepted the Jew on our coming, and 
 wanted to raise money before he got to 
 his master ! 
 
 Bow. Indeed ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, they are now planning 
 an annuity business. Ah, Master Eow- 
 ley, in my days servants were content 
 with the follies of their masters, when 
 they were worn a little threadbare ; but 
 now they have their vices, like their 
 birthday clothes, with the gloss on. 41 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 164 
 
The School for Scandal S# 
 
 Scene III. 
 A Library in Joseph Surface's House. 
 
 Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 
 
 Jos. Surf. No letter from Lady- 
 Teazle ? 
 
 Ser. No, sir. 
 
 Jos. Surf. [Aside] I am surprised 
 she has not sent, if she is prevented 
 from coming. Sir Peter certainly does 
 not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not 
 lose the heiress, through the scrape I 
 have drawn myself into with the wife ; 
 however, Charles's imprudence and bad 
 character are great points in my favour. 
 [Knocking without 
 
 Ser. Sir, I believe that must be 
 Lady Teazle. 10 
 
 Jos. Surf Hold ! See whether it is 
 or not, before you go to the door: I 
 165 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 have a particular message for you if it 
 should be my brother. 
 
 Ser. "lis her ladyship, sir; she al- 
 ways leaves her chair at the milliner's 
 in the next street. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Stay, stay; draw that 
 screen before the window — that will do ; 
 — my opposite neighbour is a maiden 
 lady of so curious a temper. — [Servant 
 draws the screen, and exii\ I have a diffi- 
 cult hand to play in this affair. Lady 
 Teazle has lately suspected my views 
 on Maria; but she must by no means 
 be let into that secret, — at least, till I 
 have her more in my power. 24 
 
 Enter Lady Teazle. 
 
 Lady Teaz. What, sentiment in 
 soliloquy now? Have you been very 
 impatient? Lud ! don't pretend to 
 look grave. I vow I could n't come 
 before. 
 
 166 
 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Jos. Surf. madam, punctuality is 
 a species of constancy very unfashion- 
 able in a lady of quality. 31 
 [Places chairs, and sits after 
 Lady Teazle is seated. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Upon my word, you 
 ought to pity me. Do you know Sir 
 Peter is grown so ill-natured to me of 
 late, and so jealous of Charles too — 
 that ? s the best of the story, isn't it? 
 
 Jos. Surf I am glad my scandalous 
 friends keep that up. [Aside. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he 
 would let Maria marry him, and then 
 perhaps he would be convinced ; don't 
 you, Mr. Surface ? 40 
 
 Jos. Surf. [Aside] Indeed I do not. 
 — [Aloud] Oh, certainly I do! for then 
 my dear Lady Teazle would also be 
 convinced how wrong her suspicions 
 were of my having any design on the 
 silly girl. 
 
 167 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Teaz. Well, well, I 'm inclined 
 to believe you. But is n't it provoking 
 to have the most ill-natured things said 
 of one? And there 's my friend Lady 
 Sneerwell has circulated I don't know 
 how many scandalous tales of me, and 
 all without any foundation too ; that ? s 
 what vexes me. 52 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ay, madam, to be sure, 
 that is the provoking circumstance — 
 without foundation; yes, yes, there 's 
 the mortification, indeed; for when a 
 scandalous story is believed against 
 one, there certainly is no comfort like 
 the consciousness of having deserved it. 
 
 Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I 'd 
 forgive their malice ; but to attack me, 
 who am really so innocent, and who 
 never say an ill-natured thing of any- 
 body — that is, of any friend ; and then 
 Sir Peter, too, to have him so peevish 
 and so suspicious, when I know the 
 1 68 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 integrity of my own heart — indeed 
 'tis monstrous! 65 
 
 Jos. Surf. But, my dear Lady 
 Teazle, 'tis your own fault if you 
 suffer it. When a husband entertains 
 a groundless suspicion of his wife, and 
 withdraws his confidence from her, 
 the original compact is broken, and 
 she owes it to the honour of her sex 
 to endeavour to outwit him. 72 
 
 Lady Teaz. Indeed ! So that, if he 
 suspects me without cause, it follows 
 that the best way of curing his jealousy 
 is to give him reason for ? t ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly — for your 
 husband should never be deceived in 
 you : and in that case it becomes you 
 to be frail in compliment to his dis- 
 cernment. 79 
 
 Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you 
 say is very reasonable, and when the 
 
 consciousness of my innocence 
 
 169 
 
#* The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ah, my dear madam, 
 there is the great mistake! 'tis this 
 very conscious innocence that is of the 
 greatest prejudice to you. What is it 
 makes you negligent of forms, and care- 
 less of the world's opinion? why, the 
 consciousness of your own innocence. 
 What makes you thoughtless in your 
 conduct, and apt to run into a thousand 
 little imprudences ? why, the conscious- 
 ness of your own innocence. What 
 makes you impatient of Sir Peter's 
 temper, and outrageous at his suspi- 
 cions ? why, the consciousness of your 
 innocence. * 94 
 
 Lady Teaz. 'Tis very true ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Now, my dear Lady 
 Teazle, if you would but once make 
 a trifling faux pas, you can't conceive 
 how cautious you would grow, and how 
 ready to humour and agree with your 
 husband. 100 
 
 170 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Lady Teaz. Do you think so ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, I am sure on 't ; and 
 then you would find all scandal would 
 cease at once, for — in short, your char- 
 acter at present is like a person in a 
 plethora, absolutely dying from too 
 much health. 
 
 Lady Teaz. So, so; then I perceive 
 your prescription is, that I must sin 
 in my own defence, and part with my 
 virtue to preserve my reputation ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Exactly so, upon my 
 credit, ma'am. no 
 
 Lady Teaz. Well, certainly this is 
 the oddest doctrine, and the newest 
 receipt for avoiding calumny! 
 
 Jos. Surf. An infallible one, believe 
 me. Prudence, like experience, must 
 be paid for. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Why, if my understand- 
 ing were once convinced 
 
 Jos. Surf Oh, certainly, madam, 
 171 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 your understanding should be con- 
 vinced. Yes, yes — Heaven forbid I 
 should persuade you to do anything 
 you thought wrong. No, no, I have too 
 much honour to desire it. 122 
 
 Lady Teaz. Don't you think we 
 may as well leave honour out of the 
 argument ? [Rises. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Mi, the ill effects of your 
 country education, I see, still remain 
 with you. 
 
 Lady Teaz. I doubt they do indeed ; 
 and I will fairly own to you, that if 
 I could be persuaded to do wrong, it 
 would be by Sir Peter's ill usage sooner 
 than your honourable logic, after all. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Then, by this hand, which 
 he is unworthy of [ Taking her hand. 
 
 Re-enter Servant. 
 
 'Sdeath, you blockhead — what do you 
 
 want ? 133 
 
 172 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Ser. I beg your pardon, sir, but I 
 thought you would not choose Sir Peter 
 to come up without announcing him. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir Peter ! — Oons — the 
 devil ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. Sir Peter ! Lud ! I 'm 
 ruined ! I 'm ruined ! 140 
 
 Ser. Sir, 'twas n't I let him in. 
 
 Lady Teaz. Oh ! I 'in quite undone ! 
 What will become of me ? Now, Mr. 
 Logic — Oh ! mercy, sir, he 's on the 
 stairs — I '11 get behind here — and if 
 
 ever I 'm so imprudent again 
 
 [Goes behind the screen. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Give me that book. 
 
 [Sits down. Servant pretends 
 to adjust his chair. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay, ever improving himself 
 
 — Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface 149 
 
 [Pats Joseph on the shoulder. 
 X73 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, my dear Sir Peter, 
 I beg your pardon. — [Gaping, throws 
 away the book] I have been dozing over 
 a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged 
 to you for this call. You have n't been 
 here, I believe, since I fitted up this 
 room. Books, you know, are the only 
 things I am a coxcomb in. 
 
 Sir. Pet. 'Tis very neat indeed. 
 Well, well, that 's proper; and you 
 can make even your screen a source 
 of knowledge — hung, I perceive, with 
 maps. 160 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, yes, I find great use 
 in that screen. 
 
 Sir Pet. I dare say you must, cer- 
 tainly, when you want to find anything 
 in a hurry. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ay, or to hide anything 
 in a hurry either. [Aside. 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private 
 
 business 
 
 i74 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Jos. Surf. You need not stay. 
 
 [To Servant. 
 
 Ser. No, sir. [Exit. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Here ? s a chair, Sir Peter 
 — I beg 170 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, now we are alone, 
 there is a subject, my dear friend, on 
 which I wish to unburden my mind to 
 you — a point of the greatest moment 
 to my peace ; in short, my good friend, 
 Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made 
 me very unhappy. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Indeed ! I am very sorry 
 to hear it. 
 
 Sir Pet "Tis but too plain she has 
 not the least regard for me ; but, what 's 
 worse, I have pretty good authority to 
 suppose she has formed an attachment 
 to another. 181 
 
 Jos. Surf Indeed ! you astonish me ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes ! and, between ourselves, 
 I think I ? ve discovered the person. 
 i75 
 
#£ The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. How! you alarm me 
 exceedingly. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay, my dear friend, I knew 
 you would sympathise with me ! 
 
 Jos. Su?]f. Yes, believe me, Sir 
 Peter, such a discovery would hurt 
 me just as much as it would you. 190 
 
 Sir Pet. I am convinced of it. Ah ! 
 it is a happiness to have a friend whom 
 we can trust even with one's family 
 secrets. But have you no guess who 
 I mean? 
 
 Jos. Surf. I have n't the most dis- 
 tant idea. It can't be Sir Benjamin 
 Backbite ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, no ! What say you to 
 Charles ? 197 
 
 Jos. Surf My brother ! impossible ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, my dear friend, the 
 goodness of your own heart misleads 
 you. You judge of others by yourself. 
 
 Jos. Surf Certainly, Sir Peter, the 
 176 
 
The School for Scandal f# 
 
 heart that is conscious of its own integ- 
 rity is ever slow to credit another's 
 treachery. 
 
 Sir Pet. True; but your brother 
 has no sentiment — you never hear him 
 talk so. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yet I can't but think Lady 
 Teazle herself has too much principle. 
 
 Sir Pet. Ay ; but what is principle 
 against the flattery of a handsome, 
 lively young fellow ? 210 
 
 Jos. Surf. That ? s very true. 
 
 Sir Pet. And then, you know, the 
 difference of our ages makes it very 
 improbable that she should have any 
 great affection for me ; and if she were 
 to be frail, and I were to make it 
 public, why, the town would only laugh 
 at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had 
 married a girl. 
 
 Jos. Surf. That 's true, to be sure 
 — they would laugh. 220 
 
 177 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet Laugh ! ay, and make bal- 
 lads, and paragraphs, and the devil 
 knows what of me. 
 
 Jos. Surf. No, you must never make 
 it public. 
 
 Sir Pet But then again — that the 
 nephew of my old friend, Sir Oliver, 
 should be the person to attempt such 
 a wrong, hurts me more nearly. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ay, there ; s the point. 
 When ingratitude barbs the dart of 
 injury, the wound has double danger 
 in it. 229 
 
 Sir Pet Ay — I, that was, in a 
 manner, left his guardian; in whose 
 house he had been so often entertained ; 
 who never in my life denied him — my 
 advice ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, 'tis not to be cred- 
 ited ! There may be a man capable of 
 such baseness, to be sure ; but, for my 
 part, till you can give me positive 
 178 
 
The School for Scandal Hi- 
 proofs, I cannot but doubt it. How- 
 ever, if it should be proved on him, he 
 is no longer a brother of mine — I dis- 
 claim kindred with him: for the man 
 who can break the laws of hospitality, 
 and tempt the wife of his friend, de- 
 serves to be branded as the pest of 
 society. 242 
 
 Sir Pet. What a difference there 
 is between you ! What noble senti- 
 ments ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yet I cannot suspect 
 Lady Teazle's honour. 
 
 Sir Pet. I am sure I wish to think 
 well of her, and to remove all ground 
 of quarrel between us. She has lately 
 reproached me more than once with 
 having made no settlement on her; 
 and, in our last quarrel, she almost 
 hinted that she should not break her 
 heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem 
 to differ in our ideas of expense, I have 
 179 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 resolved she shall have her own way, 
 and be her own mistress in that respect 
 for the future; and, if I were to die, 
 she will find I have not been inatten- 
 tive to her interest while living. Here, 
 my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, 
 which I wish to have your opinion on. 
 By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a 
 year independent while I live ; and, by 
 the other, the bulk of my fortune at 
 my death. 262 
 
 Jos. Surf. This conduct, Sir Peter, is 
 indeed truly generous. — [\4szete] I wish 
 it may not corrupt my pupil. 
 
 Sir Pet Yes, I am determined she 
 shall have no cause to complain, though 
 I would not have her acquainted with 
 the latter instance of my affection yet 
 awhile. 269 
 
 Jos. Surf. Nor I, if I could help it. 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 Sir Pet. And now, my dear friend, 
 i So 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 if you please, we will talk over the sit- 
 uation of your hopes with. Maria. 
 
 Jos. Surf. [Softly] Oh, no, Sir Peter ; 
 another time, if you please. 
 
 Sir Pet. I am sensibly chagrined at 
 the little progress you seem to make in 
 her affections. 
 
 Jos. Surf. [Softly] I beg you will 
 not mention it. What are my disap- 
 pointments when your happiness is in 
 debate ! — [^tsitfe] 'Sdeath, I shall be 
 ruined every way! 281 
 
 Sir Pet. And though you are averse 
 to my acquainting Lady Teazle with 
 your passion, I 'm sure she 's not your 
 enemy in the affair. 
 
 Jos. Surf Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige 
 me. I am really too much affected by 
 the subject we have been speaking of to 
 bestow a thought on my own concerns. 
 The man who is entrusted with his 
 
 friend's distresses can never 
 
 181 
 
^ The School for Scandal 
 
 Re-enter Servant. 
 
 Well, sir? 290 
 
 Ser. Your brother, sir, is speaking 
 to a gentleman in the street, and says 
 he knows you are within. 
 
 Jos. Surf. 'Sdeath, blockhead, I ? m 
 not within — I 'm out for the day. 
 
 Sir Pet Stay — hold — a thought 
 has struck me : — you shall be at home. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Well, well, let him come 
 up. — [Exit Servant] He ? 11 interrupt Sir 
 Peter, however. [Aside. 299 
 
 Sir Pet Now, my good friend, 
 oblige me, I entreat you. Before 
 Charles comes, let me conceal myself 
 somewhere, then do you tax him on 
 the point we have been talking, and hi 
 answer may satisfy me at once. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, fie, Sir Peter ! would 
 
 you have me join in so mean a trick? 
 
 — to trepan my brother too ? 
 
 182 
 
 s 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Pet Nay, you tell me you are 
 sure lie is innocent ; if so, you do him 
 the greatest service by giving him an 
 opportunity to clear himself, and you 
 will set my heart at rest. Come, you 
 shall not refuse me : [Going up] here, 
 behind the screen will be — Hey ! what 
 the devil ! there seems to be one listener 
 here already — I ? 11 swear I saw a pet- 
 ticoat ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, this 
 is ridiculous enough. I ; 11 tell you, 
 Sir Peter, though I hold a man of in- 
 trigue to be a most despicable char- 
 acter, yet, you know, it does not follow 
 that one is to be an absolute Joseph 
 either! Hark ? ee, 'tis a little French 
 milliner, a silly rogue that plagues me ! 
 and having some character to lose, on 
 your coming, sir, she ran behind the 
 screen. 324 
 
 Sir Pet Ah, Joseph ! Joseph ! Did 
 rt3 
 
-JH The School for Scandal 
 
 I ever think that you But, egad, 
 
 she has overheard all I have been say- 
 ing of my wife. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, 'twill never go any 
 farther, you may depend upon it ! 
 
 Sir Pet. No ! then, faith, let her 
 hear it out. — Here 's a closet will do 
 as well. 331 
 
 Jos. Surf. Well, go in there. 
 
 Sir Pet. Sly rogue ! sly rogue ! 
 
 [Goes into the closet. 
 
 Jos. Surf. A narrow escape indeed ! 
 and a curious situation I ? m in, to part 
 man and wife in this manner. 
 
 Lady Teaz. [Peeping] Could n't I 
 steal off? 
 
 Jos. Surf Keep close, my angel ! 
 
 Sir Pet. [Peeping] Joseph, tax him 
 home. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Back, my dear friend ! 340 
 
 Lady Teaz. [Peeping'] Could n't you 
 lock Sir Peter in ? 
 
 184 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Jos. Surf. Be still, my life ! 
 
 Sir Pet. \_Peeping~] You 're sure the 
 little milliner won't blab ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. In, in, my dear Sir Peter ! 
 — 'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the 
 door. 
 
 Enter Charles Surface. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Holla! brother, what 
 has been the matter? Your fellow 
 would not let me up at first. What! 
 have you had a Jew or a wench with 
 you ? 350 
 
 Jos. Surf Neither, brother, I assure 
 you. 
 
 Chas. Surf. But what has made Sir 
 Peter steal off ? I thought he had been 
 with you. 
 
 Jos. Surf He was, brother; but, 
 hearing you were coming, he did not 
 choose to stay. 
 
 Chas. Surf What ! was the old gen- 
 185 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 tleman afraid I wanted to borrow money 
 of him ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. No, sir: but I am sorry 
 to find, Charles, you have lately given 
 that worthy man grounds for great 
 uneasiness. 360 
 
 Chas. Surf. Yes, they tell me I do 
 that to a great many worthy men. But 
 how so, pray ? 
 
 Jos. Surf To be plain with you, 
 brother, he thinks you are endeavour- 
 ing to gain Lady Teazle's affections 
 from him. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Who, I ? Lud ! not 
 I, upon my word. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 so the old fellow has found out that he 
 has got a young wife, has he? — or, 
 what is worse, Lady Teazle has found 
 out she has an old husband ? 370 
 
 Jos. Surf. This is no subject to jest 
 on, brother. He who can laugh 
 
 Chas. Surf True, true, as you were 
 186 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 going to say — then, seriously, I never 
 had the least idea of what you charge 
 me with, upon my honour. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Well, it will give Sir 
 Peter great satisfaction to hear this. 
 
 [Raising his voice. 
 
 Chas. Surf. To be sure, I once 
 thought the lady seemed to have taken 
 a fancy to me; but, upon my soul, I 
 never gave her the least encouragement. 
 Besides, you know my attachment to 
 Maria. 382 
 
 Jos. Surf But sure, brother, even if 
 Lady Teazle had betrayed the fondest 
 partiality for you 
 
 Chas. Surf Why, look 'ee, Joseph, 
 I hope I shall never deliberately do a 
 dishonourable action; but if a pretty 
 woman was purposely to throw herself 
 in my way — and that pretty woman 
 married to a man old enough to be her 
 
 father 390 
 
 187 
 
## The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. Well! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, I believe I should 
 be obliged to 
 
 Jos. Surf. What? 
 
 Chas. Surf. To borrow a little of 
 your morality, that 's all. But, brother, 
 do you know now that you surprise me 
 exceedingly, by naming me with Lady 
 Teazle; for, i' faith, I always under- 
 stood you were her favourite. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, for shame, Charles! 
 This retort is foolish. 401 
 
 Chas. Surf. Nay, I swear I have 
 seen you exchange such significant 
 glances 
 
 Jos. Surf. Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest. 
 
 Chas. Surf Egad, I 'm serious! 
 Don't you remember one day, when I 
 called here 
 
 Jos. Surf. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles 
 
 Chas. Surf. And found you to- 
 gether 
 
 188 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir, I insist 
 
 Chas. Surf. And another time when 
 your servant 411 
 
 Jos. Surf. Brother, brother, a word 
 with you! — [ylsi'de] Gad, I must stop 
 him. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Informed, I say, that 
 
 Jos. Surf Hush! I beg your par- 
 don, but Sir Peter has overheard all we 
 have been saying. I knew you would 
 clear yourself, or I should not have 
 consented. 
 
 Chas. Surf. How, Sir Peter ! Where 
 is he? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Softly, there ! 420 
 
 [Points to the closet. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, 'fore Heaven, I '11 
 have him out. Sir Peter, come forth ! 
 
 Jos Surf. No, no 
 
 Chas. Surf. I say, Sir Peter, come 
 into court. — [Pulls in Sir Peter] What ! 
 189 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 my old guardian ! — What ! turn in- 
 quisitor, and take evidence incog. ? 
 Oh, fie ! Oh, fie ! 
 
 Sir Pet Give me your hand, Charles 
 — I believe I have ' suspected you 
 wrongfully ; but you must n't be angry 
 with Joseph — 'twas my plan ! 430 
 
 Chas. Surf. Indeed ! 
 
 Sir Pet But I acquit you. I promise 
 you I don't think near so ill of you as 
 I did : what I have heard has given me 
 great satisfaction. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Egad, then, 'twas lucky 
 you did n't hear any more. Was n't it, 
 Joseph ? 
 
 Sir. Pet Ah! you would have re- 
 torted on him. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ah, ay, that was a 
 joke. 
 
 Sir Pet Yes, yes, I know his honour 
 too well. 439 
 
 Chas. Surf. But you might as well 
 190 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 have suspected him as me in this 
 matter, for all that. Might n't he, 
 Joseph ? 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, well, I believe you. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Would they were both 
 out of the room ! [Aside. 
 
 Sir Pet. And in future, perhaps, we 
 may not be such strangers. 
 
 Re-enter Servant, and ivhispers Joseph 
 Surface. 
 
 Ser. Lady Sneerwell is below, and 
 says she will come up. 448 
 
 Jos. Surf. Lady Sneerwell ! Gad's 
 life! she must not come here. [Exit 
 Servant"] Gentlemen, I beg pardon — I 
 must wait on you down-stairs : here is 
 a person come on particular business. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Well, you can see him 
 in another room. Sir Peter and I have 
 not met a long time, and I have some- 
 thing to say to him. 
 191 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos Surf. [Aside] They must not be 
 left together. — [Aloud] I '11 send Lady 
 Sneerwell away, and return directly. — 
 [Aside to Sir Peter] Sir Peter, not a 
 word of the French milliner. 459 
 
 Sir Pet. [Aside to Joseph Surface] I! 
 not for the world ! — [Exit Joseph Surface] 
 Ah, Charles, if you associated more 
 with your brother, one might indeed 
 hope for your reformation. He is a 
 man of sentiment. Well, there is noth- 
 ing in the world so noble as a man of 
 sentiment. 
 
 Chas. Surf Psha! he is too moral 
 by half; and so apprehensive of his 
 good name, as he calls it, that I suppose 
 he would as soon let a priest into his 
 house as a wench. 469 
 
 Sir Pet No, no, — come, come, — 
 
 you wrong him. No, no ! Joseph is no 
 
 rake, but he is no such saint either, in 
 
 that respect. — [^siete] I have a great 
 
 192 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 mind to tell him — we should have such 
 a laugh at Joseph. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, hang him ! he ? s a 
 very anchorite, a young hermit ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Hark 'ee — you must not 
 abuse him : he may chance to hear of 
 it again, I promise you. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Why, you won't tell 
 him ? 479 
 
 Sir Pet. No — but — this way. — 
 [Aside] Egad, I '11 tell him. — [Aloud] 
 Hark 'ee — have you a mind to have a 
 good laugh at Joseph ? 
 
 Chas. Surf I should like it of all 
 things. 
 
 Sir Pet. Then, i' faith, we will ! I '11 
 be quit with him for discovering me. 
 He had a girl with him when I called. 
 
 [Whispers. 
 
 Chas. Surf What! Joseph? you 
 jest. 
 
 Sir Pet Hush! — a little French 
 !93 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 milliner — and the best of the jest is — 
 she 's in the room now. 
 
 Chas. Surf. The devil she is ! 490 
 
 Sir Pet. Hush ! I tell you. 
 
 [Points to the screen. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Behind the screen! 
 'Slife, let ; s unveil her! 
 
 Sir Pet. JSTo, no, he 's coming : — 
 you sha'n't, indeed ! 
 
 Chas. Surf Oh, egad, we ? 11 have a 
 peep at the little milliner ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Not for the world ! — Joseph 
 will never forgive me. 
 
 Chas. Surf I >11 stand by you 
 
 Sir Pet. Odds, here he is ! 500 
 
 [Charles Surface throws down the screen. 
 
 Re-enter Joseph Surface. 
 
 Chas. Surf Lady Teazle, by all 
 that ? s wonderful. 
 
 Sir Pet. Lady Teazle, by all that ? s 
 damnable ! 
 
 i 9 4 
 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Chas. Surf. Sir Peter, this is one of 
 the smartest French milliners I ever 
 saw. Egad, you seem all to have been 
 diverting yourselves here at hide and 
 seek, and I don't see who is out of the 
 secret. Shall I beg your ladyship to 
 inform me ? Not a word ! — Brother, 
 will you be pleased to explain this 
 matter ? What ! is Morality dumb too ? 
 — Sir Peter, though I found you in the 
 dark, perhaps you are not so now ! All 
 mute ! — Well — though I can make 
 nothing of the affair, I suppose you 
 perfectly understand one another; so 
 I ? 11 leave you to yourselves. [Going] 
 Brother, I J m sorry to find you have 
 given that worthy man grounds for so 
 much uneasiness. — Sir Peter ! there ? s 
 nothing in the world so noble as a man 
 of sentiment ! [Exit 519 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir Peter — notwithstand- 
 ing — I confess — that appearances are 
 i95 
 
3H The School for Scandal 
 
 against me — if you will afford me 
 your patience — I make no doubt — 
 but I shall explain everything to your 
 satisfaction. 
 
 Sir Pet If you please, sir. 
 
 Jos, Surf. The fact is, sir, that Lady 
 Teazle, knowing my pretensions to your 
 ward Maria — I say, sir, Lady Teazle, 
 being apprehensive of the jealousy of 
 your temper — and knowing my friend- 
 ship to the family — r she, sir, I say — 
 called here — in order that — I might 
 explain these pretensions — but on your 
 coming — being apprehensive — as I 
 said — of your jealousy — she withdrew 
 — and this, you may depend on it, is 
 the whole truth of the matter. 535 
 
 Sir Pet A very clear account, upon 
 my word ; and I dare swear the lady 
 will vouch for every article of it. 
 
 Lady Teaz. For not one word of it, 
 Sir Peter ! 
 
 196 
 
The School for Scandal *# 
 
 Sir Pet How ! don't you think it 
 worth while to agree in the lie ? 541 
 
 Lady Teaz. There is not one syllable 
 of truth in what that gentleman has 
 told yon. 
 
 Sir Pet I believe you, upon my soul, 
 ma'am ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. [Aside to Lady Teazle] 
 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me ? 
 
 Lady Teaz. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by 
 your leave, I '11 speak for myself. 
 
 Sir Pet Ay, let her alone, sir ; you '11 
 find she '11 make out a better story than 
 you, without prompting. 551 
 
 Lady Teaz. Hear me, Sir Peter ! — 
 I came here on no matter relating to 
 your ward, and even ignorant of this 
 gentleman's pretensions to her. But I 
 came, seduced by his insidious argu- 
 ments, at least to listen to his pretended 
 passion, if not to sacrifice your honour 
 to his baseness. 
 
 197 
 
#? The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet. Now, I believe, the truth is 
 coming, indeed! 
 
 Jos. Surf. The woman 's mad ! 560 
 Lady Teaz. No, sir ; she has recovered 
 her senses, and your own arts have 
 furnished her with the means. — Sir 
 Peter, I do not expect you to credit me 
 — but the tenderness you expressed for 
 me, when I am sure you could not think 
 I was a witness to it, has so penetrated 
 to my heart, that had I left the place 
 without the shame of this discovery, 
 my future life should have spoken 
 the sincerity of my gratitude. As for 
 that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who 
 would have seduced the wife of his 
 too credulous friend, while he affected 
 honourable addresses to his ward — I 
 behold him now in a light so truly 
 despicable, that I shall never again 
 respect myself for having listened to 
 him. \Exit. 575 
 
 198 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Jos. Surf. Notwithstanding all this, 
 Sir Peter, Heaven knows 
 
 Sir Pet. That you are a villain! 
 and so I leave you to your conscience. 
 
 Jos. Surf. You are too rash, Sir 
 Peter; you shall hear me. The man 
 who shuts out conviction by refusing 
 
 to 582 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, damn your sentiments ! 
 \_Exeunt Sir Peter and Joseph 
 Surface, talking. 
 
 199 
 
iH The School for Scandal 
 
 ACT FIFTH. 
 
 Scene I. 
 The Library in Joseph Surface's House. 
 
 Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Mr. Stanley! and why- 
 should you think I would see him ? you 
 must know he comes to ask something. 
 
 Ser. Sir, I should not have let him 
 in, but that Mr. Eowley came to the 
 door with him. 
 
 Jos. Surf Psha ! blockhead ! to sup- 
 pose that I should now be in a temper 
 to receive visits from poor relations ! — 
 Well, why don't you show the fellow 
 up?/ 
 
 Ser. I will, sir. — Why, sir, it was 
 not my fault that Sir Peter discovered 
 
 my lady 11 
 
 200 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Jos. Surf. Go, fool ! — [Exit Servant] 
 Sure Fortune never played a man of 
 my policy such a trick before! My 
 character with Sir Peter, my hopes 
 with Maria, destroyed in a moment! 
 I 'm in a rare humour to listen to 
 other people's distresses! I sha'n't 
 be able to bestow even a benevolent 
 sentiment on Stanley. — So ! here he 
 comes, and Rowley with him. I must 
 try to recover myself, and put a little 
 charity into my face, however. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Sir Oliver Surface and 
 Rowley. 
 
 Sir Oliv. What ! does he avoid us ? 
 That was he, was it not ? 23 
 
 Row. It was, sir. But I doubt you 
 are come a little too abruptly. His 
 nerves are so weak, that the sight of 
 a poor relation may be too much for 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 him. I should have gone first to break 
 it to him. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his nerves ! 
 Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols 
 as a man of the most benevolent way 
 of thinking ! 31 
 
 Bow. As to his way of thinking, 
 I cannot pretend to decide; for, to 
 do him justice, he appears to have 
 as much speculative benevolence as 
 any private gentleman in the king- 
 dom, though he is seldom so sensual 
 as to indulge himself in the exercise 
 of it. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yet he has a string of 
 charitable sentiments at his fingers' 
 ends. 
 
 Bow. Or, rather, at his tongue's 
 end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there 
 is no sentiment he has such faith in 
 as that Charity begins at home. 42 
 
 Sir Oliv. And his, I presume, is of 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 that domestic sort which never stirs 
 abroad at all. 
 
 Bow. I doubt you '11 find it so ; but 
 he 's coming. I must n't seem to inter- 
 rupt you; and you know, immediately 
 as you leave him, I come in to announce 
 your arrival in your real character. 
 
 Sir Oliv. True; and afterwards 
 you '11 meet me at Sir Peter's. 50 
 
 Bow. Without losing a moment. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I don't like the complai- 
 sance of his features. 
 
 Re-enter Joseph Surface. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you ten thou- 
 sand pardons for keeping you a moment 
 waiting. — Mr. Stanley, I presume. 
 
 Sir Oliv. At your service. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, I beg you will do me 
 the honour to sit down — I entreat you, 
 sir. 58 
 
 203 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Oliv. Dear sir — there ? s no 
 occasion. — [Aside] Too civil by half! 
 
 Jos. Surf. I haxe not the pleasure 
 of knowing you, Mr. Stanley ; but I am 
 extremely happy to see you look so 
 well. You were nearly related to my 
 mother, I think, Mr. Stanley ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. I was, sir ; so nearly that 
 my present poverty, I fear, may do dis- 
 credit to her wealthy children, else I 
 should not have presumed to trouble 
 you. 68 
 
 Jos. Surf. Dear sir, there needs no 
 apology ; — he that is in distress, though 
 a stranger, has a right to claim kindred 
 with the wealthy. I am sure I wish 
 I was one of that class, and had it in 
 my power to offer you even a small 
 relief. 
 
 Sir. Oliv. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, 
 were here, I should have a friend. 
 
 Jos. Surf I wish he was, sir, with 
 204 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 all my heart : you should not want an 
 advocate with him, believe me, sir. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I should not need one — 
 my distresses would recommend me. 
 But I imagined his bounty would en- 
 able you to become the agent of his 
 charity. 82 
 
 Jos. Surf. My dear sir, you were 
 strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is 
 a worthy man, a very worthy man ; but 
 avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. 
 I will tell you, my good sir, in confi- 
 dence, what he has done for me has 
 been a mere nothing ; though people, I 
 know, have thought otherwise, and for 
 my part, I never chose to contradict the 
 report. 90 
 
 Sir Oliv. What ! has he never trans- 
 mitted you bullion — rupees — pago- 
 das? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, dear sir, nothing of 
 the kind ! No, no ; a few presents now 
 205 
 
#4 The School for Scanda 
 
 and then — china, shawls, congou tea 
 avadavats and Indian crackers — little 
 more, believe me. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Here ? s gratitude for twelve 
 thousand pounds ! — Avadavats and In- 
 dian crackers ! [Aside. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Then, my dear sir, you 
 have heard, I doubt not, of the extrav- 
 agance of my brother: there are very 
 few would credit what I have done for 
 that unfortunate young man. 102 
 
 Sir Oliv. Not I, for one! [Aside. 
 
 Jos. Surf. The sums I have lent 
 him ! Indeed I have been exceedingly 
 to blame ; it was an amiable weakness ; 
 however, I don't pretend to defend it 
 — and now I feel it doubly culpable, 
 since it has deprived me of the pleas- 
 ure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my 
 heart dictates. 110 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Dissembler! — 
 [Aloud] Then, sir, you can't assist me ? 
 206 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Jos. Surf. At present, it grieves me 
 to say, I cannot ; but, whenever I have 
 the ability, you may depend upon hear- 
 ing from me. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I am extremely sorry 
 
 Jos. Surf. Not more than I, believe 
 me; to pity, without the power to 
 relieve, is still more painful than to 
 ask and be denied. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Kind sir, your most obe- 
 dient humble servant. 121 
 
 Jos. Surf. You leave me deeply 
 affected, Mr. Stanley. — William, be 
 ready to open the door. 
 
 [Calls to Servant. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. 
 
 Jos. Surf Your very obedient. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Your most obsequious. 
 
 Jos. Surf You may depend upon 
 hearing from me, whenever I can be 
 of service. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Sweet sir, you are too good ! 
 207 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Jos. Surf. In the meantime I wish 
 you health and spirits. 131 
 
 Sir Oliv. Your ever grateful and 
 perpetual humble servant. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, yours as sincerely. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [Aside] Now I am satisfied. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Jos. Surf. This is one bad effect of 
 a good character ; it invites application 
 from the unfortunate, and there needs 
 no small degree of address to gain the 
 reputation of benevolence without in- 
 curring the expense. The silver ore of 
 pure charity is an expensive article in 
 the catalogue of a man's good qualities ; 
 whereas the sentimental French plate 
 I use instead of it makes just as good a 
 show, and pays no tax. 144 
 
 Re-enter Rowley. 
 
 Bow. Mr. Surface, your servant: I 
 was apprehensive of interrupting you, 
 208 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 though my business demands immedi- 
 ate attention, as this note will inform 
 you. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Always happy to see Mr. 
 Bowley, — a rascal. — [Aside. Reads the 
 letter'] Sir Oliver Surface! — My uncle 
 arrived ! 151 
 
 Bow. He is, indeed: we have just 
 parted — quite well after a speedy 
 voyage, and impatient to embrace his 
 worthy nephew. 
 
 Jos. Surf. I am astonished ! — Will- 
 iam! stop Mr. Stanley, if he ? s not 
 gone. 
 
 [Calls to Servant. 
 
 Bow. Oh! he 's out of reach, I 
 believe. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Why did you not let me 
 know this when you came in together? 
 
 Bow. I thought you had particular 
 business. But I must be gone to inform 
 your brother, and appoint him here to 
 209 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 meet your uncle. He will be with you 
 in a quarter of an hour. 163 
 
 Jos. Surf. So lie says. Well, I am 
 strangely overjoyed at his coming. — 
 [J.mfe] Never, to be sure, was anything 
 so damned unlucky ! 
 
 Row. You will be delighted to see 
 how well he looks. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh! I 'm overjoyed to 
 hear it. — [^Lsidfe] Just at this time ! 
 
 Row. I '11 tell him how impatiently 
 you expect him. 172 
 
 Jos. Surf. Do, do; pray give my 
 best duty and affection. Indeed, I 
 cannot express the sensations I feel 
 at the thought of seeing him. — [Exit 
 Rowley'] Certainly his coming just at 
 this time is the cruellest piece of ill 
 fortune. [Exit. 
 
 2IO 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Scene II. 
 
 A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's 
 House. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid. 
 
 Maid. Indeed, ma'am, my lady will 
 see nobody at present. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Did you tell her it was 
 her friend Mrs. Candour ? 
 
 Maid. Yes, ma'am; but she begs 
 you will excuse her. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Do go again; I shall be 
 glad to see her, if it be only for a 
 moment, for I am sure she must be 
 in great distress. — [Exit Maid'] Dear 
 heart, how provoking! I 'm not mis- 
 tress of half the circumstances! We 
 shall have the whole affair in the news- 
 papers, with the names of the parties 
 at length, before I have dropped the 
 story at a dozen houses. 14 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite. 
 
 Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have 
 heard, I suppose 
 
 Sir Ben. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. 
 Surface 
 
 Mrs. Can. And Sir Peter's dis- 
 covery 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, the strangest piece of 
 business, to be sure ! 20 
 
 Mrs. Can. Well, I never was so sur- 
 prised in my life. I am so sorry for 
 all parties, indeed. 
 
 Sir Ben. Now, I don't pity Sir 
 Peter at all: he was so extravagantly 
 partial to Mr. Surface. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface! Why, 'twas 
 with Charles Lady Teazle was de- 
 tected. 
 
 Sir Ben. No, no, I tell you : Mr. 
 Surface is the gallant. 
 
 Mrs. Can. No such thing ! Charles 
 
The School for Scandal £fr 
 
 is the man. 'Twas Mr. Surface brought 
 Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. 
 
 Sir Ben. 
 
 I tell 
 
 you 
 
 I had 
 
 it from 
 
 one 
 
 
 
 
 32 
 
 Mrs. Can. 
 
 And 
 
 I 
 
 have 
 
 it from 
 
 one 
 
 
 
 
 
 Sir Ben. 
 
 Who had it from 
 
 one, who 
 
 had it 
 
 
 
 
 
 Mrs. Can. From one immediately. 
 But here comes Lady Sneerwell; per- 
 haps she knows the whole affair. 
 
 Enter Lady Sneerwell. 
 
 Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Can- 
 dour, here 's a sad affair of our friend 
 Lady Teazle ! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ay, my dear friend, who 
 would have thought 41 
 
 Lady Sneer. Well, there is no trust- 
 ing appearances; though, indeed, she 
 was always too lively for me. 
 
 Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners 
 213 
 
#1 The School for Scandal 
 
 were a little too free ; but then she was 
 so young ! 
 
 Lady Sneer. And had, indeed, some 
 good qualities. 
 
 Mrs. Can. So she had, indeed. But 
 have you heard the particulars ? 
 
 Lady Sneer. No; but everybody 
 says that Mr. Surface 51 
 
 Sir Ben. Ay, there ; I told you Mr. 
 Surface was the man. 
 
 Mrs. Can. No, no : indeed the assig- 
 nation was with Charles. 
 
 Lady Sneer. With Charles! You 
 alarm me, Mrs. Candour! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Yes, yes; he was the 
 lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, 
 was only the informer. 60 
 
 Sir Ben. Well, I '11 not dispute with 
 you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which 
 it may, I hope that Sir Peter's wound 
 will not 
 
 Mrs. Can. Sir Peter's wound ! Oh, 
 214 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 mercy ! I did n't hear a word of their 
 fighting. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Nor I a syllable. 
 
 Sir Ben. No ! what, no mention of 
 the duel ? 
 
 Mrs. Can. Not a word. 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, yes : they fought be- 
 fore they left the room. 70 
 
 Lady Sneer. Pray, let us hear. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ay, do oblige us with the 
 duel. 
 
 Sir Ben. Sir, says Sir Peter, im- 
 mediately after the discovery, you are 
 a most ungrateful fellow. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ay, to Charles 
 
 Sir Ben. No, no — to Mr. Surface — 
 a most ungrateful felloiv ; and, old as I 
 am, sir, says he, / insist on immediate 
 satisfaction. 78 
 
 Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been 
 to Charles; for 'tis very unlikely Mr. 
 Surface should fight in his own house. 
 -215 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Ben. Gad's life, ma'am, not at 
 all — giving me immediate satisfaction. 
 — On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, see- 
 ing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out 
 of the room in strong hysterics, and 
 Charles after her, calling out for harts- 
 horn and water; then, madam, they 
 began to fight with swords 
 
 Enter Crabtree. 
 
 Crab. With pistols, nephew, pistols ! 
 I have it from undoubted authority. 90 
 
 Mrs. Can. Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it 
 is all true ! 
 
 Crab. Too true, indeed, madam, and 
 Sir Peter is dangerously wounded 
 
 Sir Ben. By a thrust in segoon 
 quite through his left side 
 
 Crab. By a bullet lodged in the 
 thorax. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Mercy on me ! Poor Sir 
 Peter. 
 
 216 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Crab. Yes, madam ; though Charles 
 would have avoided the matter, if he 
 could. 100 
 
 Mrs. Can, I told you who it was ; I 
 knew Charles was the person. 
 
 Sir Ben. My uncle, I see, knows 
 nothing of the matter. 
 
 Crab. But Sir Peter taxed him with 
 the basest ingratitude 
 
 Sir Ben. That I told you, you 
 know 
 
 Crab. Do, nephew, let me speak ! - — 
 and insisted on immediate 
 
 Sir Ben. Just as I said 110 
 
 Crab. Odds life, nephew, allow others 
 to know something too ! A pair of pis- 
 tols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, 
 it seems, had come home the night be- 
 fore late from Salthill, where he had 
 been to see the Montem with a friend, 
 who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, 
 the pistols were left charged. 117 
 
 217 
 
^H The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Ben. I heard nothing of this. 
 
 Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to 
 take one, and they fired, it seems, 
 pretty nearly together. Charles's shot 
 took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's 
 missed; but, what is very extraordi- 
 nary, the ball struck against a little 
 bronze Shakespeare that stood over the 
 fireplace, grazed out of the window at 
 a right angle, and wounded the post- 
 man, who was just coming to the door 
 with a double letter from Northampton- 
 shire. 
 
 Sir Ben. My uncle's account is more 
 circumstantial, I confess ; but I believe 
 mine is the true one, for all that. 130 
 
 Lady Sneer. [Aside] I am more in- 
 terested in this affair than they imag- 
 ine, and must have better information. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Sir Ben. Ah ! Lady Sneerwell's alarm 
 is very easily accounted for. 
 218 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes, they certainly do 
 say — but that ? s neither here nor there. 
 
 Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir 
 Peter at present ? 139 
 
 Crab. Oh! they brought him home, 
 and he is now in the house, though the 
 servants are ordered to deny him. 
 
 Mrs. Can. I believe so, and Lady 
 Teazle, I suppose, attending him. 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes ; and I saw one of 
 the faculty enter just before me. 
 
 Sir Ben. Hey ! who comes here ? 
 
 Crab. Oh, this is he : the physician, 
 depend on 't. 
 
 Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly! it must 
 be the physician; and now we shall 
 know. 150 
 
 Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 
 
 Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes ? 
 Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how ; s your 
 patient ? 
 
 219 
 
#* The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Ben. Now, doctor, is n't it a 
 wound with a small-sword? 
 
 Crab. A bullet lodged in the thorax, 
 for a hundred ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Doctor! a wound with 
 small-sword! and a bullet in the the 
 rax! — Oons! are you mad, good pec 
 pie? 
 
 Sir Ben. Perhaps, sir, you are not 
 a doctor ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you 
 for my degree, if I am. 161 
 
 Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, 
 then, I presume. But, sir, you must 
 have heard of his accident ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Not a word ! 
 
 Crab. Not of his being dangerously 
 wounded ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. The devil he is ! 
 
 Sir Ben. Eun through the body 
 
 Crab. Shot in the breast - 
 
 Sir Ben. By one Mr. Surface — — 
 
 220 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Crab, Ay, the younger. 170 
 
 .Sir Oliv. Hey! what the plague! 
 you seem to differ strangely in your 
 accounts: however, you agree that Sir 
 Peter is dangerously wounded. 
 
 Sir Ben. Oh, yes, we agree in that. 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes, I believe there can 
 be no doubt of that. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for 
 a person in that situation, he is the 
 most imprudent man alive; for here 
 he comes, walking as if nothing at all 
 was the matter. 180 
 
 Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 
 
 Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come 
 in good time, I promise you; for we 
 had just given you over! 
 
 Sir Ben. [Aside to Crabtree] Egad, 
 uncle, this is the most sudden recov- 
 ery! 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Oliv. Why, man! what do you 
 out of bed with a small-sword through 
 your body, and a bullet lodged in your 
 thorax ? 
 
 Sir Pet A small-sword and a bullet ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay ; these gentlemen would 
 have killed you without law or physic, 
 and wanted to dub me a doctor, to 
 make me an accomplice. 192 
 
 Sir Pet Why, what is all this ? 
 
 Sir Ben. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that 
 the story of the duei.is not true, and 
 are sincerely sorry for your other mis- 
 fortune. 
 
 Sir Pet So, so ; all over the town 
 already ! [Aside. 
 
 Crab. Though, Sir Peter, you were 
 certainly vastly to blame to marry at 
 your years. 
 
 Sir Pet Sir, what business is that 
 of yours ? 200 
 
 Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as Sir 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Peter made so good a husband, he ? s 
 very much to be pitied. 
 
 Sir Pet. Plague on your pity, ma'am ! 
 I desire none of it. 
 
 Sir Ben. However, Sir Peter, you 
 must not mind the laughing and 
 jests you will meet with on the occa- 
 sion. 
 
 Sir Pet. Sir, sir ! I desire to be 
 master in my own house. 
 
 Crab. 'Tis no uncommon case, that ? s 
 one comfort. 210 
 
 Sir Pet. I insist on being left to 
 myself: without ceremony, I insist on 
 your leaving my house directly ! 
 
 Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going ; 
 and depend on ? t, we '11 make the best 
 report of it we can. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 
 
 Crab. And tell how hardly you 've 
 been treated. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Pet. Leave my house ! 
 223 
 
#* The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Ben. And how patiently you 
 bear it. [Exit. 220 
 
 Sir Pet. Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! 
 that their own venom would choke 
 them ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. They are very provoking 
 indeed, Sir Peter. 
 
 Enter Rowley. 
 
 Bow. I heard high words : what has 
 ruffled you, sir ? 
 
 Sir Pet. Psha ! what signifies ask- 
 ing? Do I ever pass a day without 
 my vexations ? 
 
 Bow. Well, I 'm not inquisitive. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, Sir Peter, I have 
 seen both my nephews in the manner 
 we proposed. 231 
 
 Sir Pet. A precious couple they 
 are! 
 
 Bow. Yes, and Sir Oliver is con- 
 224 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 vinced that your judgment was right, 
 Sir Peter. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is in- 
 deed the man, after all. 
 
 Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a 
 man of sentiment. 
 
 Sir Oliv. And acts up to the senti- 
 ments he professes. 
 
 Row. It certainly is edification to 
 hear him talk. 240 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, he's a model for the 
 young men of the age ! — but how ? s 
 this, Sir Peter? you don't join us in 
 your friend Joseph's praise, as I ex- 
 pected. 
 
 Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, we live in a 
 damned wicked world, and the fewer 
 we praise the better. 
 
 Row. What! do you say so, Sir 
 Peter, who were never mistaken in 
 your life? 
 
 Sir Pet. Psha ! plague on you both ! 
 225 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 I see by your sneering you have heard 
 the whole affair. I shall go mad among 
 you ! 251 
 
 How. Then, to fret you no longer, 
 Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted 
 with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming 
 from Mr. Surface's so humbled, that 
 she deigned to request me to be her 
 advocate with you. 
 
 Sir Pet. And does Sir Oliver know 
 all this ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Every circumstance. 
 
 Sir Pet. What, of the closet and the 
 screen, hey ? 
 
 Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, and the little 
 French milliner. Oh, I have been 
 vastly diverted with the story! ha! 
 ha! ha! 262 
 
 Sir Pet. ? Twas very pleasant. 
 
 Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in 
 my life, I assure you : ah ! ah ! 
 ah! 
 
 226 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting ! ha ! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Bow. To be sure, Joseph with his 
 sentiments! ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments ! 
 ha ! ha ! ha ! Hypocritical villain ! 270 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay, and that rogue Charles 
 to pull Sir Peter out of the closet : ha ! 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Sir Pet. Ha ! ha ! 'twas devilish en- 
 tertaining, to be sure ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir 
 Peter, I should like to have seen your 
 face when the screen was thrown down : 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Sir Pet. Yes, yes, my face when the 
 screen was thrown down : ha ! ha ! 'ha ! 
 Oh, I must never show my head again ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. But come, come, it is n't 
 
 fair to laugh at you neither, my old 
 
 friend; though, upon my soul, I can't 
 
 help it. 283 
 
 227 
 
#3 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet Oh, pray don't restrain your 
 mirth on my account : it does not hurt 
 me at all ! I laugh at the whole affair 
 myself. Yes, yes, I think being a 
 standing jest for all one's acquaintance 
 a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and 
 then of a morning to read the para- 
 graphs about Mr. S , Lady T 
 
 and Sir P will be so entertaining ! 
 
 Row. Without affectation, Sir Peter, 
 you may despise the ridicule of fools. 
 But I see Lady Teazle going toward 
 the next room; I am sure you must 
 desire a reconciliation as earnestly as 
 she does. 296 
 
 Sir Oliv. Perhaps my being here 
 prevents her coming to you. Well, I '11 
 leave honest Eowley to mediate between 
 you; but he must bring you all pres- 
 ently to Mr. Surface's, where I am now 
 returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, 
 at least to expose hypocrisy. 302 
 
 228 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Pet. AL, I ? 11 be present at your 
 discovering yourself there with all my 
 heart ; though 'tis a vile unlucky place 
 for discoveries. 
 
 Row. We '11 follow. 
 
 [Exit Sir Oliver Surface. 
 
 Sir Pet. She is not coming here, 
 you see, Rowley. 
 
 Row. No, but she has left the door 
 of that room open, you perceive. See, 
 she is in tears. 309 
 
 Sir Pet. Certainly a little mortifica- 
 tion appears very becoming in a wife. 
 Don't you think it will do her good to 
 let her pine a little ? 
 
 Row. Oh, this is ungenerous in 
 you! 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, I know not what to 
 think. You remember the letter I 
 found of hers evidently intended for 
 Charles? 
 
 Row. A mere forgery, Sir Peter! 
 229 
 
-SH The School for Scandal 
 
 laid in your way on purpose. This is 
 one of the points which I intend Snake 
 shall give you conviction of. 319 
 
 Sir Pet. I wish I were once satisfied 
 of that. She looks this way. What a 
 remarkably elegant turn of the head 
 she has ! Rowley, I ; 11 go to her. 
 
 Row. Certainly. 
 
 Sir Pet. Though, when it is known 
 that we are reconciled, people will 
 laugh at me ten times more. 
 
 Row. Let them laugh, and retort 
 their malice only by showing them you 
 are happy in spite of it. 329 
 
 Sir Pet. V faith, so I will ! and, if 
 I ? m not mistaken, we may yet be the 
 happiest couple in the country. 
 
 Row. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once 
 lays aside suspicion 
 
 Sir Pet. Hold, Master Eowley ! if 
 you have any regard for me, never let 
 me hear you utter anything like a sen- 
 230 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 timent : I have had enough of them to 
 serve me the rest of my life. [Exeunt. 
 
 Scene III. 
 
 The Library in Joseph Surface's 
 House. 
 
 Enter Joseph Surface and Lady 
 Sneerwell. 
 
 Lady Sneer. Impossible ! Will not 
 Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to 
 Charles, and of course no longer oppose 
 his union with Maria? The thought 
 is distraction to me. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Can passion furnish a 
 remedy ? 
 
 Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning either. 
 Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league 
 with such a blunderer ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I 
 2 3 l 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 am the greatest sufferer; yet you see 
 I bear the accident with calmness. 10 
 
 Lady Sneer. Because the disappoint- 
 ment does n't reach your heart; your 
 interest only attached you to Maria. 
 Had you felt for her what I have for 
 that ungrateful libertine, neither your 
 temper nor hypocrisy could prevent 
 your showing the sharpness of your 
 vexation. 
 
 Jos. Surf. But why should your 
 reproaches fall on me for this disap- 
 pointment ? 18 
 
 Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause 
 of it? Had you not a sufficient field 
 for your roguery in imposing upon Sir 
 Peter, and supplanting your brother, 
 but you must endeavour to seduce his 
 wife? I hate such an avarice of 
 crimes; 'tis an unfair monopoly, and 
 never prospers. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Well, I admit I have been 
 232 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 to blame. I confess I deviated from 
 the direct road of wrong, but I don't 
 think we 're so totally defeated neither. 
 
 Lady Sneer. No! 29 
 
 Jos. Surf. You tell me you have 
 made a trial of Snake since we met, 
 and that you still believe him faithful 
 to us? 
 
 Lady Sneer. I do believe so. 
 
 Jos. Surf. And that he has under- 
 taken, should it be necessary, to swear 
 and prove, that Charles is at this time 
 contracted by vows and honour to your 
 ladyship, which some of his former 
 letters to you will serve to support? 
 
 Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might 
 have assisted. 39 
 
 Jos. Surf. Come, come ; it is not too 
 late yet. — [Knocking at the door] But 
 hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir 
 Oliver : retire to that room ; we '11 con- 
 sult farther when he is gone. 
 233 
 
#* The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should 
 find you out too ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Oh, I have no fear of 
 that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue 
 for his own credit's sake — and you 
 may depend on it I shall soon discover 
 Sir Oliver's weak side ! 50 
 
 Lady Sneer. I have no diffidence of 
 your abilities : only be constant to one 
 roguery at a time. 
 
 Jos. Surf. I will, I will! — [Exit 
 Lady Sneerwell] So! 'tis confounded 
 hard, after such bad fortune, to be 
 baited by one's confederate in evil. 
 Well, at all events, my character is so 
 much better than Charles's, that I cer- 
 tainly — hey ! — what — this is not Sir 
 Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague 
 on 't that he should return to tease me 
 just now! I shall have Sir Oliver 
 come and find him here — and 61 
 
 234 
 
The School for Scandal Hr 
 
 Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 
 
 Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you 
 come back to plague me at this time ? 
 You must not stay now, upon my 
 word. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Sir, I hear your uncle 
 Oliver is expected here, and though 
 he has been so penurious to you, I ; 11 
 try what he '11 do for me. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis impossible for 
 
 you to stay now, so I must beg 
 
 Come any other time, and I promise 
 you, you shall be assisted. 70 
 
 Sir Oliv. No : Sir Oliver and I must 
 be acquainted. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir ! then I insist 
 on your quitting the room directly. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Nay, sir 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, I insist on 't ! — 
 Here, William ! show this gentle- 
 man out. Since you compel me, sir, 
 235 
 

 The School for Scandal 
 
 not one moment — this is such inso- 
 lence. [Going to push him out 
 
 Enter Charles Surface. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Heyday! what 's the 
 matter now? What the devil, have 
 you got hold of my little broker here ? 
 Zounds, brother, don't hurt little Pre- 
 mium. What ? s the matter, my little 
 fellow ? 82 
 
 Jos. Surf. So! he has been with 
 you too, has he? 
 
 Chas. Surf. To be sure, he has. 
 
 Why, he ? s as honest a little But 
 
 sure, Joseph, you have not been bor- 
 rowing money too, have you? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Borrowing! no! But, 
 brother, you know we expect Sir Oli- 
 ver here every 
 
 Chas. Surf. Gad, that 's true. 
 Noll must n't find the little broker 
 here, to be sure. 90 
 
 236 
 
The School for Scandal £# 
 
 Jos. Surf. Yet Mr. Stanley in- 
 sists 
 
 Chas. Surf. Stanley! why, his 
 name ? s Premium. 
 
 Jos. Surf. No, sir, Stanley. 
 
 Chas. Surf. No, no, Premium. 
 
 Jos. Surf Well, no matter which 
 _but 
 
 Chas. Surf Ay, ay, Stanley or Pre- 
 mium, 'tis the same thing, as you say ; 
 for I suppose he goes by half a hun- 
 dred names, besides A. B. at the coffee- 
 house. [Knocking. 
 
 Jos. Surf. 'Sdeath ! here 's Sir Oli- 
 ver at the door. — Now I beg, Mr. Stan- 
 ley 101 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, and I beg, Mr. 
 Premium 
 
 Sir Oliv. Gentlemen 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, by Heaven you shall go ! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, out with him, cer- 
 tainly ! 
 
 237 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Oliv. This violence ■ 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis your own fault. 
 Chas. Surf. Out with him, to be 
 sure. [Both forcing Sir Oliver out. 
 
 Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, 
 Maria, and Rowley. 
 
 Sir Pet. My old friend, Sir Oliver 
 — hey! What in the name of won- 
 der — here are dutiful nephews — as- 
 sault their uncle at a first visit! ill 
 
 Lady Teaz. Indeed, Sir Oliver, 
 'twas well we came in to rescue 
 you. 
 
 Row. Truly it was ; for I perceive, 
 Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley 
 was no protection to you. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Nor of Premium either: 
 the necessities of the former could not 
 extort a shilling from that benevolent 
 gentleman ; and with the other I stood 
 a chance of faring worse than my 
 238 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 ancestors, and being knocked down 
 without being bid for. 120 
 
 Jos. Surf. Charles! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Joseph! 
 
 Jos. Surf ? Tis now complete ! 
 
 Chas. Surf Very. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and 
 Bowley too — look on that elder nephew 
 of mine. You know what he has already 
 received from my bounty ; and you also 
 know how gladly I would have regarded 
 half my fortune as held in trust for him : 
 judge then my disappointment in dis- 
 covering him to be destitute of truth, 
 charity, and gratitude ! 132 
 
 Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, I should be 
 more surprised at this declaration, if 
 I had not myself found him to be mean, 
 treacherous, and hypocritical. 
 
 Lady Teaz. And if the gentleman 
 pleads not guilty to these, praj^let him 
 call me to his character. 
 239 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet. Then, I believe, we need 
 add no more : if he knows himself, he 
 will consider it as the most perfect 
 punishment, that he is known to the 
 world. 141 
 
 Chas. Surf. If they talk this way 
 to Honesty, what will they say to me, 
 by and by ? [Aside. 
 
 [Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire. 
 
 Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his 
 brother, there 
 
 Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my 
 turn : the damned family pictures will 
 ruin me ! [Aside. 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir Oliver — uncle, will 
 you honour me with a hearing ? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Now, if Joseph would 
 make one of his long speeches, I might 
 recollect myself a little. [Aside. 151 
 
 Sir Oliv. [To Joseph Surface'] I sup- 
 pose you would undertake to justify 
 yourself ? 
 
 240 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Jos. Surf. I trust I could. 
 
 Sir Oliv. [To Charles Surface'] Well, 
 sir! — and you could justify yourself 
 too, I suppose? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Not that I know of, Sir 
 Oliver. 
 
 Sir Oliv. What! — Little Premium 
 has been let too much into the secret, 
 I suppose ? 159 
 
 Chas. Surf. True, sir; but they 
 were family secrets, and should not 
 be mentioned again, you know. 
 
 Bow. Come, Sir Oliver, I know you 
 cannot speak of Charles's follies with 
 anger. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Odd's heart, no more I 
 can; nor with gravity either. Sir 
 Peter, do you know the rogue bar- 
 gained with me for all his ancestors ; 
 sold me judges and generals by the 
 foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as 
 broken china. 170 
 
 241 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Chas. Surf. To be sure, Sir Oliver, 
 I did make a little free with the family 
 canvas, that ? s the truth on 't. My 
 ancestors may rise in judgment against 
 me, there 's no denying it; but believe 
 me sincere when I tell you — and upon 
 my soul I would not say so if I was not 
 — that if I do not appear mortified at 
 the exposure of my follies, it is because 
 I feel at this moment the warmest 
 satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal 
 benefactor. 180 
 
 Sir Oliv. Charles, I believe you. 
 Give me your hand again: the ill- 
 looking little fellow over the settee 
 has made your peace. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Then, sir, my gratitude 
 to the original is still increased. 
 
 Lady Teaz. [Advancing] Yet, I be- 
 lieve, Sir Oliver, here is one whom 
 Charles is still more anxious to be 
 reconciled to. [Pointing to Maria. 
 
 242 
 
The School for Scandal He 
 
 Sir Oliv. Oh, I have heard of his 
 attachment there ; and, with the young 
 lady's pardon, if I construe right — that 
 blush 191 
 
 Sir Pet Well, child, speak your 
 sentiments ! 
 
 Mar. Sir, I have little to say, but 
 that I shall rejoice to hear that he is 
 happy ; for me, whatever claim I had to 
 his attention, I willingly resign to one 
 who has a better title. 
 
 Chas. Surf. How, Maria ! 
 
 Sir Pet. Heyday ! what 's the mys- 
 tery now? While he appeared an in- 
 corrigible rake, you would give your 
 hand to no one else ; and now that he 
 is likely to reform I '11 warrant you 
 won't have him! 202 
 
 Mar. His own heart and Lady 
 Sneerwell know the cause. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Lady Sneerwell ! 
 
 Jos. Surf. Brother, it is with great 
 243 
 
#1 The School for Scandal 
 
 concern I am obliged to speak on this 
 point, but my regard to justice compels 
 me, and Lady SneerwelPs injuries can 
 no longer be concealed. 
 
 [Opens the door, 
 
 Enter Lady Sneerwell. 
 
 Sir Pet. So! another French milli- 
 ner ! Egad, he has one in every room 
 in the house, I suppose ! 211 
 
 Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles! 
 Well may you be surprised, and feel 
 for the indelicate situation your per- 
 fidy has forced me into. 
 
 Chas. Surf. Pray, uncle, is this 
 another plot of yours? For, as I 
 have life, I don't understand it. 
 
 Jos. Surf. I believe, sir, there is but 
 the evidence of one person more neces- 
 sary to make it extremely clear. 220 
 
 Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, 
 is Mr. Snake. — Eowley, you were per- 
 244 
 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 fectly right to bring him with us, and 
 pray let him apppear. 
 
 Bow. Walk in, Mr. Snake. 
 
 Enter Snake. 
 
 I thought his testimony might be 
 wanted : however, it happens unluck- 
 ily, that he comes to confront Lady 
 Sneerwell, not to support her. 
 
 Lady Sneer. A villain! Treacher- 
 ous to me at last ! Speak, fellow, have 
 you too conspired against me ! 230 
 
 Snake. I beg your ladyship ten 
 thousand pardons: you paid me ex- 
 tremely liberally for the lie in ques- 
 tion; but I unfortunately have been 
 offered double to speak the truth. 
 
 Sir Pet. Plot and counter-plot, egad ! 
 I wish your ladyship joy of your nego- 
 tiation. 238 
 
 Lady Sneer. The torments of shame 
 and disappointment on you all ! [Going. 
 245 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Lady Teaz. Hold, Lady Sneerwell 
 — before you go, let me thank you for 
 the trouble you and that gentleman 
 have taken, in writing letters from 
 me to Charles, and answering them 
 yourself; and let me also request you 
 to make my respects to the scandalous 
 college, of which you are president, 
 and inform them that Lady Teazle, 
 licentiate, begs leave to return the 
 diploma they granted her, as she leaves 
 off practice, and kills characters no 
 longer. 
 
 Lady Sneer. You too, madam! — 
 provoking — insolent ! May your hus- 
 band live these fifty years ! [Exit. 
 
 Sir Pet. Oons ! what a fury ! 252 
 
 Lady Teaz. A malicious creature, 
 indeed ! 
 
 Sir Pet. What! not for her last 
 wish? 
 
 Lady Teaz. Oh, no ! 
 246 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have 
 you to say now ? 
 
 Jos. Surf. Sir, I am so confounded, 
 to find that Lady Sneerwell could be 
 guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this 
 manner, to impose on us all, that I 
 know not what to say: however, lest 
 her revengeful spirit should prompt her 
 to injure my brother, I had certainly 
 better follow her directly. For the 
 man who attempts to [Exit. 264 
 
 Sir Pet. Moral to the last ! 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, 
 if you can. Oil and vinegar! — egad, 
 you '11 do very well together. 
 
 Row. I believe we have no more 
 occasion for Mr. Snake at pres- 
 ent ? 270 
 
 Snake. Before I go, I beg pardon 
 once for all for whatever uneasiness I 
 have been the humble instrument of 
 causing to the parties present. 
 ?47 
 
#t The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Pet. Well, well, you have made 
 atonement by a good deed at last. 
 
 Snake. But I must request of the 
 company, that it shall never be known. 
 
 Sir Pet. Hey ! what the plague ! are 
 you ashamed of having done a right 
 thing once in your life ? 280 
 
 Snake. Ah, sir, consider — I live by 
 the badness of my character ; and, if it 
 were once known that I had been be- 
 trayed into an honest action, I should 
 lose every friend I have in the world. 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, well — we '11 not tra- 
 duce you by saying anything in your 
 praise, never fear. [Exit Snake. 
 
 Sir Pet. There 's a precious rogue ! 
 
 Lady Teaz. See, Sir Oliver, there 
 needs no persuasion now to reconcile 
 your nephew and Maria. 290 
 
 Sir Oliv. Ay, ay, that ? s as it should 
 be, and, egad, we ? 11 have the wedding 
 to-morrow morning. 
 248 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 Chas. Surf. Thank you, dear uncle. 
 
 Sir Pet What, you rogue! don't 
 you ask the girl's consent first? 
 
 Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a 
 long time — a minute ago — and she 
 has looked yes. 
 
 Mar. For shame, Charles ! — I pro- 
 test, Sir Peter, there has not been a 
 word 299 
 
 Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the 
 better; may your love for each other 
 never know abatement. 
 
 Sir Pet. And may you live as hap- 
 pily together as Lady Teazle and I 
 intend to do! 
 
 Chas. Surf. Eowley, my old friend, 
 I am sure you congratulate me ; and I 
 suspect that I owe you much. 
 
 Sir Oliv. You do, indeed, Charles. 
 
 Sir Pet Ay, honest Eowley always 
 said you would reform. 310 
 
 Q has. Surf Why, as to reforming, 
 249 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Sir Peter, I ? 11 make no promises, and 
 that I take to be a proof that I intend 
 to set about it. But here shall be my 
 monitor — my gentle guide. — Ah ! can 
 I leave the virtuous path those eyes 
 illumine ? 
 
 Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive 
 
 thy beauty's sway, 
 Thou still must rule, because I will 
 
 obey : 
 An humble fugitive from Folly view, 
 No sanctuary near but Love and you : 
 
 [To the Audience. 
 You can, indeed, each anxious fear 
 
 remove, 321 
 
 For even Scandal dies, if you approve. 
 
 [Exeunt omnes. 
 
 250 
 
The School for Scandal H£ 
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 BY MR. COLMAN. 
 SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE. 
 
 I, who was late so volatile and gay, 
 Like a trade- wind must now blow all 
 
 one way, 
 Bend all my cares, my studies, and my 
 
 vows, 
 To one dull rusty weathercock — my 
 
 spouse ! 
 So wills our virtuous bard — the motley 
 
 Bayes 
 Of crying epilogues and laughing plays ! 
 Old bachelors, who marry smart young 
 
 wives, 
 Learn from our play to regulate your 
 
 lives : 
 Each bring his dear to town, all faults 
 
 upon her — 
 
 251 
 
#£ The School for Scandal 
 
 London will prove the very source of 
 honour. 10 
 
 Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it 
 serves, 
 
 When principles relax, to brace the 
 nerves : 
 
 Such is my case; and yet I must de- 
 plore 
 
 That the gay dream of dissipation 's 
 o'er. 
 
 And say, ye fair ! was ever lively wife, 
 
 Born with a genius for the highest life, 
 
 Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, 
 
 Like me condemned to such a dismal 
 doom? 
 
 Save money — when I just knew how 
 to waste it ! 
 
 Leave London — just as I began to 
 taste it ! 20 
 
 Must I then watch the early crowing 
 cock, 
 
 The melancholy ticking of a clock ; 
 252 
 
The School for Scandal ?# 
 
 In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, 
 With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling 
 
 brats surrounded. 
 With humble curate can I now retire, 
 (While good Sir Peter boozes with the 
 
 squire,) 
 And at backgammon mortify my soul, 
 That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole ? 
 Seven ? s the main! Dear sound that 
 
 must expire, 
 Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas 
 
 fire 30 
 
 The transient hour of fashion too soon 
 
 spent, 
 Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell 
 
 content ! 
 Farewell the plumed head, the cush- 
 ioned tete, 
 That takes the cushion from its proper 
 
 seat! 
 That spirit-stirring drum ! — card drums 
 
 I mean, 
 
 2 53 
 
#4 The School for Scandal 
 
 Spadille — odd trick — pam — basto — 
 king and queen ! 
 
 And you, ye knockers, that, with, brazen 
 throat, 
 
 The welcome visitors' approach de- 
 note; 
 
 Farewell all quality of high renown, 
 
 Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glori- 
 ous town ! 40 
 
 Farewell! your revels I partake no 
 more, 
 
 And Lady Teazle's occupation 's o'er ! 
 
 All this I told our bard ; he smiled, and 
 said 'twas clear, 
 
 I ought to play deep tragedy next 
 year. 
 
 Meanwhile he drew wise morals from 
 his play, 
 
 And in these solemn periods stalked 
 away : — 
 
 "Blessed were the fair like you; her 
 faults who stopped 
 254 
 
The School for Scandal ¥& 
 
 And closed her follies when the curtain 
 
 dropped ! 
 No more in vice or error to engage, 
 Or play the fool at large on life's great 
 
 stage." 50 
 
 THE END. 
 
 255 
 
Notes 
 
 A Portrait, addressed to Mrs, Crewe, 
 Frances Anne, daughter of Fulke Greville, 
 married, in 1776, John Crewe, who became 
 Baron Crewe in 1806. She was thrice 
 painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds, and she 
 died in 1818. Frances Burney says, " The 
 elegance of Mrs. Sheridan's beauty is un- 
 equalled by any I ever saw, except Mrs. 
 Crewe/ ' Verses addressed by Fox to Mrs. 
 Crewe were printed at Horace Walpole's 
 Strawberry Hill Press. 
 
 39. Granby. Lady Mary Isabella Somer- 
 set, youngest daughter of the fourth Duke 
 of Beaufort, was married, in 1775, to 
 Charles Manners, Marquis of Granby, who 
 became fourth Duke of Rutland in 1779. 
 257 
 
#4 Notes 
 
 The duchess, who lived until 1831, was 
 painted four times by Eeynolds. 
 
 40. Devon. The famous Georgina, 
 Duchess of Devonshire, was the eldest 
 daughter of John, first Earl Spencer. She 
 was married in 1774, and died in 1806. 
 
 96. Greville. Mrs. Greville (Walpole's 
 " Pretty Fanny Macartney"), to whom 
 Sheridan dedicated The Critic, was daughter 
 of James Macartney, and mother of Lady 
 Crewe. She wrote verse, including a poet- 
 ical " Prayer for Indifference," and died in 
 1789. 
 
 99. Millar. Anna, Lady Miller, or Mil- 
 lar (1741-1781), married, in 1765, John 
 Miller, who was created an Irish baronet 
 in 1778. Lady Miller wrote verses, and 
 kept a literary salon at her house near 
 Bath. Horace Walpole, Johnson, and Miss 
 Burney all speak slightingly of the abilities 
 of " Mrs. Calliope Miller.' ' 
 
 I. i. 1. The name " Sneerwell " is used 
 in Fielding's Pasquin. In an early draft 
 of this scene, Lady Sneerwell is represented 
 258 
 
Notes H£ 
 
 as talking at the opening to a Miss Ver- 
 juice, a character afterwards suppressed. 
 Another draft began as follows: 
 
 " Lady Sneerwell. The paragraphs, you 
 say, were all inserted ? 
 
 " Spatter. They were, madam. 
 
 " Lady S. Did you circulate the report 
 of Lady Brittle' s intrigue with Captain 
 Boastall? 
 
 "Spat. Madam, by this time Lady 
 Brittle is the talk of half the town ; and in 
 a week will be treated as a demirep. 
 
 "Lady S. What have you done as to 
 this innuendo of Miss Mcely's fondness for 
 her own footman ? 
 
 "Spat. 'Tis in a fair train, ma'am. I 
 told it to my hairdresser; he courts a 
 milliner's girl in Pall Mall, whose mistress 
 has a first cousin who is waiting-woman to 
 Lady Clackit. I think in about fourteen 
 hours it must reach Lady Clackit, and then, 
 you know, the business is done. 
 
 " Lady S. But is that sufficient, do you 
 think? 
 
 259 
 
3H Notes 
 
 "Spat. Oh, Lud, ma'am! I'll under- 
 take to ruin the character of the primmest 
 prude in London with half as much. Ha, 
 ha ! Did your ladyship never hear how 
 poor Miss Shepherd lost her lover and 
 her character last summer at Scarborough? 
 This was the whole of it. One evening at 
 
 Lady -'s, the conversation happened to 
 
 turn on the difficulty of feeding Nova Scotia 
 sheep in England," etc. 
 
 I. i. 23. The Town and Country Maga- 
 zine. This magazine earned for itself noto- 
 riety by publishing tete-a-tete portraits of 
 well-known persons, men and women, easy 
 of identification, with letterpress suggesting 
 scandalous relations between them. 
 
 I. i. 56. a kind of guardian. In a MS. 
 revised by Sheridan, " a kind of " is deleted, 
 and for " the youngest " we find " the 
 other," and " a widow" for "the widow of 
 a city knight." 
 
 I. i. 70. Mr. Surface. A Mrs. Surface, 
 a scan&al-monger who kept a Bath lodg- 
 ing-house, appears in Mrs. Frances Sheri- 
 260 
 
Notes H£ 
 
 dan's unpublished comedy, A Journey to 
 Bath. 
 
 I. i. 439. The Old Jewry was the resort 
 of Jews, and contained the Lord Mayor's 
 Court. 
 
 I. i. 442. The Irish tontine. After the 
 defeat of the Absentee Bill in the Irish 
 House of Commons in 1773, it was neces- 
 sary to find new resources, owing to the 
 great increase of the National Debt. In 
 order to meet immediate wants, £265,000 
 were raised by the method of Tontine 
 Annuities and Stamp Duties (Lecky's " His- 
 tory of England in the Eighteenth Century," 
 iv. 414). 
 
 II. i. 119. rid on a hurdle. The cart on 
 which criminals were taken to execution. 
 
 " Settle your fine joints 'gainst Thursday 
 
 next, 
 Or I will drag thee on a hurdle thither." 
 — Borneo and Juliet, Act IH. Sc. v. 
 
 II. ii. 15. macaronies. The name for 
 261 
 
## Notes 
 
 dandies which was popular at the end of 
 the last century. 
 
 II. ii. 99. a character dead at every word. 
 In the Rape of the Lock Pope wrote, " At 
 every word a reputation dies." 
 
 II. ii. 120. the Ring. A circle for riding 
 in Hyde Park, partly destroyed when the 
 Serpentine was formed. It was a fashion- 
 able promenade in the eighteenth century. 
 
 II. ii. 219. / would have law merchant for 
 them too. An unusual expression for " mer- 
 cantile law." 
 
 II. ii. 301. ciscisbeo. The name applied 
 in Italy to the gallant of a married woman. 
 
 III. i. 33. "a heart to pity," etc. Shake- 
 speare's words are, "He hath a tear for 
 pity," etc. (2 Henry IV., IV. iv.). 
 
 III. i. 151. the annuity bill. In 1777 a 
 committee of the House of Commons was 
 appointed to inquire into the laws concern- 
 ing usury and annuities ; and on its report- 
 in May, the month in which this play was 
 first acted, a bill was brought in and passed, 
 providing that all contracts with minors 
 262 
 
Notes 
 
 ?^r 
 
 for annuities shall be void, and that those 
 procuring them, and solicitors charging 
 more than ten shillings per cent., shall be 
 subject to fine and imprisonment (Brander 
 Matthews). 
 
 III. ii. 33. bags and bouquets. In an 
 early draft Sheridan used these words with 
 reference to Lady Teazle's extravagance. 
 The i < bag " was a small silken pouch which 
 contained the back hair of a wig. 
 
 III. iii. 58. This song was evidently 
 suggested by a song in Suckling's The 
 Goblins (Act II. Sc. i.) : — 
 
 < < A health to the nut-brown lass, 
 With the hazel eyes : let it pass," etc. 
 
 We know that Sheridan copied out various 
 scenes from The Goblins. 
 
 III. iii. 102. Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver 
 Surface. In Mrs. Frances Sheridan's 
 " Sidney Biddulph," an East Indian uncle 
 returns to test a nephew and a niece. Par- 
 allels have also been drawn, without much 
 263 
 
3H Notes 
 
 reason, with scenes in Foote's Minor and 
 Author. 
 
 IV. iii. 16 i Draw that screen before the 
 window. Critics have pointed out that the 
 hiding of Lady Teazle behind the screen 
 placed her in full view of the maiden lady 
 who lived opposite ; but, of course, Joseph 
 Surface had no idea, in placing the screen, 
 that Lady Teazle would run behind it. 
 
 IV. iii. 583. This line may be an inter- 
 polation by some actor, who thought it 
 would form a more effective " curtain." It 
 is not printed by Moore or Leigh Hunt in 
 their editions, but it is to be found in some 
 of the earliest editions of the play. 
 
 V. i. 92. pagodas. Silver or gold coins, 
 formerly current in India, of various values. 
 
 V.i. 95. avadavats. The strawberry finch, 
 a small Indian song bird (Notes and Queries, 
 sixth series, ii. 198). 
 
 V. ii. 95. A thrust in segoon. A corrup- 
 tion of "segunde," the Spanish form of the 
 French fencing term, " seconde.' ' A thrust 
 in segoon is a thrust delivered low, under 
 264 
 
Notes j# 
 
 the adversary's blade, with the hand in the 
 tierce position, that is, with the knuckles 
 upwards and the wrist turned downwards 
 (Brander Matthews). 
 
 V. ii. 115. The Montem was a triennial 
 ceremony of the Eton boys. It consisted 
 of a procession on Whit Tuesday to a 
 mound (ad montem) near the Bath Road, 
 where the boys exacted money from the 
 passers-by, to meet the expenses at the 
 University of the captain or senior scholar. 
 Salthill is in Buckinghamshire, near Slough. 
 
 Epilogue. George Colman, proprietor of 
 the Haymarket Theatre, wrote a number 
 of plays. 
 
 5> Bayes, in the Duke of Buckingham's 
 Rehearsal, was a satire on Dryden. 
 
 32. Farewell the tranquil mind. A parody 
 upon Othello's speech (Othello, III. iii.) : 
 
 " Farewell the tranquil mind ! farewell con- 
 tent ! 
 
 Farewell the plumed troop, and the big 
 wars, 
 
 265 
 
^ Notes 
 
 That make ambition virtue ! O, farewell ! 
 
 Farewell the neighing steed, and the shrill 
 trump, 
 
 The spirit-stirring drum, the ear-piercing 
 fife, 
 
 The royal banner, and all quality, 
 
 Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious 
 war! 
 
 And, O you mortal engines, whose rude 
 throats 
 
 The immortal Jove's dread clamours coun- 
 terfeit, 
 
 Farewell ! Othello's occupation's gone ! " 
 
 36. Spadille, etc. " Spadille," in the 
 game of ombre, was the ace of spades, 
 " pam," the knave of clubs, and " basto," 
 the ace of clubs. 
 
 266 
 

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