, 11 a Glass Book TO <5* \ *± COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT; Mirandy "I des parades myself by } em one mo } time." Mirandy By Dorothy Dix k^A - With illustrations by E. W. Kemble New York Hearst's International Library Co. 1914 1 Copyright, 1912, 1913, by International Magazine Co. Copyright, 1914, by Hearst's International Library Co., Inc. All rights reserved, including the trans- lation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian* APR \3 19/4 ©CU 3 71 55 I The Good Old Summer Time Page • 13 II Visiting the Sick • 25 III Revising the Ten Command ments ... 32 IV The Troubles of Women . 37 V Women's Clubs ■ 53 VI Why Men Don't Marry . . 61 VII Different Tongues . • 67 VIII A Good Beginning . 76 IX Friendship . 82 X Our Enemies .... 89 XI Retaining a Husband's Love . 96 XII The Superior Civilization o f Man . ': * * • 102 XIII Other People's Children . 108 XIV Food Values .... . 116 XV Breakin' up a Match . . 127 XVI Theories • 134 XVII Canned Voices .... ■ 147 Contents Page XVIII Woman's Tears . . . .153 XIX Women Popping the Question . 159 XX The Ethics of Clothes , . . .168 XXI Worrying 175 XXII Adamless Edens . . . .184 XXIII Why Women Can't Vote . . 190 XXIV Matrimony 201 XXV The Higher Education . . . 207 XXVI The Price of Fame . . . . 214 XXVII Advantages of Invalidism . . 227 XXVIII Creeds .-236 XXIX Being Good 243 XXX Christmas 249 List of Illustrations "I des parades myself by 'em one mo' time" Frontispiece V FACIXG PAGE "I meets up wid Br'er Ben, what is de deacon in my chu'ch" . 20 ^ "Mirandy, you better let me tote yo' pocketbook for you" 40 - "An den he ax me to forgive him" . . . . 48 v '' "I'se gwine disband de Daughters of Zion" . 54 > "But I don't know whut it means" . . . . 70 v When Ike was a young man he sho'ly was a buck nigger' " .92 " A ~> An' makes him sing a song dat is got forty 'leven verses to hit" . . . . . .110 "I ain't been one of dem dat axed whedder whut I read was so" 118 u "Hit looked lak to me dat I done got a revela- tion when I reads how I could soften up Si's nature, an' turn him into a lover by dietin' him up on vegetables" .... 122 "De speaker w r as one of dese heah stringy ole pullets" 136 List of Illustrations FACING PAGE "Little Teddy Roosterfelt was a-kickin' about what he had to eat" . . 140 V "Wid po'k chops a-soarin' up lak dey had wings, de men is mighty slow a-comin' along" . 160 v "I worried de washbo'd so hard dat I sent Ma'y Jane to de female cemetery" 178 "I'd feel mighty bad when I'd see Mabel Maud had done wore out de knee of her stockin' " 182 * "I opens my mouth and shets my eyes" . . . 190 • The Sweet Girl Graduate ....... 208 y "May Jane got elected to be de Queen of Sheba" 216 "A committee of de brederen come roun' to present de lovin'-cup to Ike" 222 "A pile of bottles dat will be a monyment to my memory" 228 "I pins my faith to the rolling pin" .... 252 Mirandy Mirandy i The Good Old Summer Time "^VT'ESSUM, I is jest got back from my sum- A mer vacation, an' Ps ready to take yo' wash ag'in. "Yessum, I alius goes off on a summer vaca- tion, an 5 I gives Ike one, becaze I'sa merciful woman, an' I believes dat ev'ry wife ought to let her husband git de chanst to slip de yoke of matermony ev'ry now an' den, so as to ease his neck a little, an' let de galled places git well. "Yessum, after a man has done focht his pay- envelope home ev'ry Saturday night for a year, an' has gone to roost wid de chickens, an' has had to hold his breath when he come near his wife ef he has stopped by de corner saloon, an' has wound up de clock an' put de cat out of doors, he shorely does need a holiday. Yessum, is 14 Mirandy he's done earned hit, an' hit's a mighty measly, ornery kind of a wife dat'll begrudge hit to him. "A woman dat won't let up on de henpeckin' once a year sho' am a po'-sperited creeter, an' when I hears 'bout dese devoted wives dat never has left dere husbands, nor let dere husbands out of dere sight, I sut'nly does feel my heart go out towards dem men in pity, an' lak sendin' in a hurry call for dat cruelty to animals s'ciety. Yessum, I reckons dat one of dese heah affec- tionate wives what a husband can't shake winter nor summer is one of de worst afflictions dat de good Lawd can send on a man. "Dat's de reason dat ev'ry summer I takes a trip for Ike's health, becaze dere ain't nothin' in dis worl' dat peartens a man up so lak gittin' rid of his wife, even ef hit ain't but for two or three weeks, an' I alius notices dat when I gits back home off of mv vacation Ike looks about ten years younger, an' lak he's done took de rest cure. He's dat spryed up an' cheered up dat you would think dat he was a fresh widower — an' dere certainly ain't nothin' dat seems to be so good for a man's health as losin' his wife. "An' 'tain't no wonder dat a vacation, even when de wife takes hit, does de husband good. Hit's jest natchul. Time a man an' a woman The Good Old Summer Time 15 has lived togedder for 'leven months out of de year, dey has got enough, an 5 mo 5 dan enough, of each odder's company. Dey's told each odder ev'ry thing dey knows, an' de conversation kinder runs low in de bin, an' des to make talk dey begins to argufy, an' dat leads to scrappin', an' most gen' rally dey lands in de divorsh court, or de cop comes along an' runs 'em in for makin'' a rough house. "Becaze dere's dis funny thing about mat- ermony— bein' married is lak gazin' at de sun. After you has looked too long an 5 too steady at de partner of yo' bosom you don't see no thin' but spots. Dey is des covered wid blemishes ontil you can't see nothin' good in 'em, an' de best cure for hit is des to break away, an' go an' look at somethin' else ontil hit rests yo' eyes. "Dat's de way wid me an' Ike. We sashays along mighty comfortable in double harness for a while, an' den some day I begins to feel lak I'll throw de coffee-pot at Ike's head ef he tells dat ole story one mo' time 'bout how he would have won de prize in de policy game ef only he had of had de right ticket. Den Ike he in- troduces de subject of infant immersion — a-knowin' dat I is a deep-water Baptist — dat we begun fightin' about befo' our fust baby was 16 Mirandy born, an' dat is still good for a scrap after thuty years of warfare. "Den Ike, he ups an' axes me ef I don't think dat I's a-takin' on flesh, an' I wonders ef Ike was as bow-legged when I married him as he is now, an' den hit's kinder proned into me dat de time has come for me or Ike, one or de odder, to git away somewheres, an' git off of de odder one's nerves. An' so I packs my carpet-bag an' lights out, an' when I starts off all dat I can see when I tells Ike good-by at de depot is a po', runty little nigger man, wid a bald head, an' stooped shoulders, an' crooked legs. "But I ain't been gone mo' dan three days befo' he sorter begins to improve in my mind when I thinks about him, an' by de end of de fust week I finds dat I is a-braggin' to de women dat I meets up wid about what a fine, pussonable- lookin' man, wid an intellectual brow, dat I is married to, an' by de time I gits ready to come home dat ole nigger sut'nly does look good to me, an' I wouldn't trade him off for de finest young buck in town. Dat I wouldn't. "An' hit's de same way wid Ike. Co'se Ike has got too good manners to tell me dat he's glad I's gwine away an' dat he is tired of wonderin' how he ever was fool enough to marry The Good Old Summer Time 17 a woman dat has got a figger lak a feather-bed, an' dat is so homely dat hit's a wonder dat she don't bust de lookin'-glass when she peeks in hit to see ef her bonnet is on straight. Naw'm, Ike acts lak a puffick gentleman, an' lies about how sorry he is dat I's gwine, an' tells me dat he will be mighty lonesome widout me. But he don't fool me none. Naw'm. Dere's a lot of resignation in his looks, an' I knows dat he's thinkin' dat he is gwine to play craps half de night, an' drink all de beer he can hold, an' dat hit's gwine to be mighty restful to come home at. three o'clock in de mawnin', an' not find a woman waitin' up for him wid a flat-iron. Furdermo', I knows dat all Ike sees in me is a fat woman dat w T addles as she walks, an' dat has got a tongue about a yard long. "But I ain't been gone long befo' Ike finds out dat he ain't as good a crap-player as he thought he was, an' dat beer gives him de headache, an' dat he is most pizened hisself on his own cookin' ; an' den hit begins to git sort of proned in on him dat a wife what keeps things clean an' neat, an' dat has got a master hand at cookin', is a sorter convenient thing to have aroun' de house, an' dat he's got out of de way of bein' a sport, any- how. 18 Mirandy "Den I comes home, an' you better believe he's glad to see me an' I's glad to see him, an' I don't notice dem bow legs of hissen, an' de very fust word dat he says to me is: 'Land of Goshen, Mirandy, how you is fell off! I declare to gracious, dere ain't none of dese heah young gals dat's got a figger lak yourn.' "Yessum, a vacation shorely is a life-savin' sta- tion for matermony, an' I 'spects dat ef hit warn't for de chanst dat we has to git away from each odder in de summer for a while dat most of us would bust de tie dat binds an' chafes so dat dere wouldn't be no patchin' of hit togedder no mo'. But dere's one thing dat I is thankful for, an' dat is dat de Recording Angel knocks off wuk an' shuts up shop in de summer time. Becaze ef he didn't most of us would have a through ticket for de place where hit's summer all de time. Yessum, we shorely would. "Any way you looks at hit dere's one mighty funny thing about de summer time, an' dat is dat as de the'mometor goes up, folks's religion goes down, an' dey does things on de Fo'th of July widout winkin' an eye or turnin' a hair dat hit would des plumb scandalize 'em to even think about doin' at Chris'mus. "Yessum, hit 'pears lak de hot weather kinder The Good Old Summer Time 19 melts down yo' principles, an' gives de Ole Boy a chanst, an' de fust news you knows you is segasuatin' out of de straight an' narrow path, an' is clippin' hit at a two-forty gate down de broad road of sin an' destruction. Dat you is. I knows becaze I has jest been dere. "Yessum, here I is, a mother in Israel, what is de president of de Daughters of Zion, an' is set in de amen corner at chu'ch, an' wrastled wid de mourners for nigh on to thuty years. Mo'over, I's a respectable married woman wid a houseful of chillen, an' temperance convictions an' odder drawbacks to havin' a good time, an' in de winter I sut'nly is straight laced. I don't drink nothin' stronger dan lemonade, an' when Ike takes me to de show, an' one of dem hussies comes out to do a song an' dance in a dress dat ain't nothin' but a ruffle around de waist, an' a skimpy ruffle at dat, I's dat frustrated an' shocked dat I almost shuts my eyes, an' I holds my fan up befo' Ike's face. "Yessum, it sho' am awful to me, an' ef any- body would come along about dat time an' prophesy dat in less dan six months dis two hundred and ten pounds of virtue would be a-wanderin' down de seashore in a frock dat warn't no bigger dan a postage-stamp, I sut'nly 20 Mirandy would take de skillet to 'em. Dey shorely would 'a' wished dat dey had carried a accident policy ef dey had said dat thing to me, yet dat's exactly de kind of foolishness dat de summer time got me into doin' last week. "An* dat ain't all. When I hears some men dat was a-standin' on de beach say dat I is built on de lines of a livin' picture, instead of callin' for de police lak I would in de winter, I des parades myself by 'em one mo' time — me, dat is a Christian wife an' mother! "An' what you think I done wid my W. C. T. U. badge ? I put hit away, becaze I knowed dat I was gwine to need hit next winter when I was speecherfyin' to de sinners 'bout de errors of dere ways in lookin' on de wine when hit is red, but you better believe dat I didn't go about wid any no-drink tag on me at de seashore, an' I 'spects dat de rest of de temperance bregalia must have done de same way, becaze ef dere was any white ribbons flutterin' around I didn't see 'em. "Dat's huccom when I meets up wid Br'er Ben, what is de deacon in my chu'ch, what takes up de collection an' leads de prayer-meetin', dat I warn't noways scandalized when he axed me to have a drink. " c Sis' Mirandy,' says he, Ts a temperance '/ meets up wid Br'er Ben, what is de deacon in my chu'ch." The Good Old Summer Time 23 man, an' de stand dat you is tooken against de Demon Rum is mighty nigh squashed de head of de monster, but bein' as how de day is hot, an' dat St. Paul recommended a little wine for de stomach's sake, I axes you to jine me in a glass of beer.' "An' I spons dat I's always heered dat beer is mighty fine to ward off sunstroke, an' den we had one, an' den anodder, an' anodder, ontil I sort of lost count, but Br'er Ben say hit's all right for prohibitionists to drink all de b.eer dey wants in de summer, 'specially when dey is away from home where dey ain't knowed. " 'Hit's dis way, Sis Mirandy,' says Br'er Ben, an' I tell you dat Br'er Ben is a mighty edifyin' man, 'hit's dis way. You an' me is jest po' weak creeters dat is in de hands of de Lawd. In de winter we's strong in de faith 'caze we's all braced up wid de cold, but ef he sees fitten to send de sun in de summer an' take de stif'nin' out of our good resolutions, hit ain't for us to question de wisdom of hit. Mo' over in de win- ter you ain't got de thirst, but in de summer time all de objections dat I is got to de workin's of Providence is dat I ain't a giraffe wid a throat a mile long.' "An' dere's anodder funny thing about de sum- 24 Mirandy mer time. What is hit dat makes folks break out wid lies and braggin' at de same time dat dey does wid prickly heat? Now jest look at me. I's a po', humble woman what takes in washin' when I's at home, an' I has to scuffle all I knows how to keep meat in de pot an' shoes on de chillen, but jest let me git away from home in de summer an' you'd think I was rollin' in riches. I jest lets go all hold on de truth an' spreads myself, an' I has to, to keep up wid de big talk of de odder women. "Yessum, I bet dat de the'mometor was about ninety-nine in de shade de time dat Ananias an' Sapphira told dat whopper dat dey got struck dead for, an' hit's mighty lucky for folks dat de Lawd ain't takin' no such snap judgment now- adays on liars, 'caze ef he was to, dere'd be mighty few of us dat would live to git home from our summer vacation." II Visiting the Sick "V^ASSUM," said Mirandy as she sank A weakly into her chair, cc yassum, I reckon I does look a little frazzled out an' pale around de gills. I know dat I feels dat way, an' hit ain't so much dat I'se had a little tech of chills an' fever, wid de rheumatics an' de misery in de back throwed in for good measure, dat is been de matter wid me as hit is dat I is had too much friends. "Yassum, dat's whut pulled me down, an' lak to drove me into de grave. I could a stood de sickness widout de friends' advice, or I could a stood de friends' advice widout de sickness, but de mixtry was too much, an' a little mo' an' I'd a-been makin' Ike one of dese heah reconciled widowers dat you see all around you, an' dat's a thing dat I'se been fightin' aginst doin', for de thurty years wese been married, an' dat I is op- posed to doin' on principle. "I used to wonder whut was de good of visitin' 25 26 Mirandy friends in time of sickness, but now I knows hit. Hit is to reconcile you to death. "Fust to come was Sis' Tempy, who fetch a groan when she seed me, an' says : " 'You sho'ly do look bad, Sis Mirandy, but 'twarn't no surprise to me to hear dat you was took, for I'se been a-lookin' for hit for a long time. De very las' time I seed you mixin' up wid fried isters, an' chicken salad, an' cake, an' ice cream, an' pickles at de chu'ch fair I 'lowed to myself dat you sho'ly was diggin' yo' grave wid yo' teeth.' " 'Dere ain't nothin' de matter wid my stomach,' 'spons I, for I'se like ev'ybody else dat I ever seed, sort of techy 'bout my appetite. " 'Well,' goes on Sis Tempy, 'you better diet an' des take a little limewater an' milk for a couple of months, becaze you never can tell how things is gwine to turn out, an' folks of yo' build goes off moughty sudden sometimes,' an' den Sis Tempy gathers up her knittin' an' goes home an' Sis Alviry drap in. " 'How do you feel dis mawnin', Sis Mi- randy?' she axes. 'I heerd dat you was sick an' I des thought dat I would step in an' cheer you up a little. How does yo' symptoms seem to segasuate anyway?' Visiting the Sick 27 "I tells her dat I'se fust hot an' den cold, an' dat I'se got a powerful achin' in my bones. " 'Lawd, Lawd!' says she, c ef dat ain't de ve'y way dat my Aunt Araminty was took down, an' dem was prezactly de words she used in de- scribin' of her feelin's, an' hit warn't but fo' days befo' she was laid out, as sweet a corpse as you would ever wish to see, Sis Mirandy, an' a perfectly grand funeral dat would have been a comfort to anybody we give her, ef I do say hit as oughtn't to brag 'bout my own kin. 5 " 'But de doctor say dey warn't nothin' much de matter wid me,' I 'spons wid a kind of a weak feelin' in my knees an' around de pit of my stomach. 'He says dat as how I'll be up an' around in a day or two.' " 'Dat's whut de doctors always say,' 'spons Sis Alviry, becaze ev'ybody feels dat hit's deir duty to keep up de sperrits of de sick, an' I wouldn't say nothin' to depress you for de world, but hit's jest lak Is tellin' you. Aunt Araminty didn't seem to be sick much nuther, an' she was a-callin' for fried chicken not two hours befo' she died, an' she was a fat woman lak you be, too, Sis Mirandy; an' dey do say dat when dese heah hefty folks gets sick dey is moughty liable 28 Mirandy not to pull through, becaze dey's so much of 'em to be sick. " 'Howsomever, Sis Mirandy, as Brer Jenkins says, we's all got to go. We's heah to-day an' gone to-morrow, an' you has lived de good life, an' made yo' peace, an' I don't reckon dat a little matter of livin' twenty or thutty years mo' would make any difference to you, so don't let de thought dat maybe you won't pull through worry you none.' "An' den Sis Alviry step over to de glass an' perk up her bonnet string, an' say dat she must be goin', as deir's some mo' sick folks dat she's got to go an' see, an' she feels hit de duty of de well an' hearty to carry rays of sunshine into de dark chambers of affliction. An' I spons dat she needn't linger no longer on my account, an' dat I'd ruther be a sensible corpse dan to be fool enough to go round talkin' to sick folks 'bout folks who died of de same disease dat dey's got. "Well, no sooner is Sis Alviry gone off in a hump dan Sis Becky come tiptoein' in in a way dat made ev'y board in de floor creak, an' after she had past de time of day an' promulgated a few questions 'bout whut ailed me she axed me whut doctor I is got, an' I say dat I'se got Visiting the Sick 29 Doctor Jones, whut has been prodjectin' wid de constitution of my family for de las' ten years. " 'My gracious !' 'sclaims Sis Becky, a-throwin' up her hands, 'but hit's a lucky thing for you dat de Lawd put hit into my heart to come an' see you dis day, for I'se jest in time to save yo' life.' " 'Why so?' axes I. " 'Becaze,' says Sis Becky, 'dere's des one doctor dat kin cure you, an 5 dat's my doctor. I wouldn't let dat Doctor Jones doctor a sick cat onless I was reconciled to losin' de cat.' " 'Dere ain't none of us died yit under de manipulation of Doctor Jones, 5 'spons I. " 'Maricles can't always happen,' answered Sis Becky, 'nor luck hold out, an' hit's my opin- ion dat dis is whar hit will turn, an' dat ef you don't send for my doctor dat you'll be a dead woman by dis time to-morrow,' an' den she sets dere an' argifies wid me 'bout how her doctor is ole man know-it-all, an' my doctor is de fust aid to de cemetery, ontell she gets me dat flab- gas ted dat I don't know which way to turn. "An' whilst she was a-talkin' in drapped Sis Luellen wid a bottle in her hand, an' a box of pills in her reticule. " 'Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'don't you trust yo'- self to none of dis heah doctor's stuff dat comes 30 Mirandy out of de drug sto', for I ain't got no opinion of hit. Nawm, whut you needs is a good home- made remedy dat's concocted out of yarbs, an' things dat is gathered in de right time of de moon, an' biled down wid a little good whiskey. " 'My sister Hannah was a-doctorin' wid dis sto' physic, an' a-payin' out money to doctors for nigh on to twenty years, an' den she was cured by takin' a bottle of dis heah bitters lak I brung you. To be shore she had whut de doctors call de bugaloosa in dese days, an' dat we used to call de consumption, an' you is got de rheumatiz; but whut I say is dat a medicine dat is good for one thing is good for anodder, an' so I begs you as a friend to throw away de doc- tor's stuff an' take dis heah whut I brung you.' "An' I has to promise dat I'll do hit for fear of hurtin' Sis Luellen's feelin's, but befo' I kin git hit down here comes Sis Nancy wid a book as big as de dictionary, an' a passel of tracts to treat me on de Christian Science flatform. " c Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'dere ain't nothin' de matter wid you. Whut you thinks you is sufferin' is a error of mortal mind. 5 " 'Sis Nancy,' spons I, 'hit's my back dat's a hurtin'. I could hold dat faith ef hit was yo' Visiting the Sick 31 back, but bein' as how hit's my own back I'm obleeged to dispute de pint.' "An' den Sis Nancy drew her book on me an 5 began readin' to me ontell I got dat mad I flung Sis Luellen's bottle of bitters at her haid, and Ma'y Jane come in an' say as how I'se sort of flighty an' dat dey better leave me alone. "But I warn't; but I does hold dat when a pusson is sick dey's got a right to enjoy bein' sick in deir own way, an' widout bein' persecuted by deir friends, an' deir friends' doctors, an' deir friends' remedies, an' religion. "Yassum, hit's a awful thing to have a spell of sickness wid a complication of well meanin' friends, an' dere's plenty dat ain't got de consti- tution to survive hit." / Ill Revising the Ten Commandments 44 '\\ 7 ELL, Brer Jenkins,' says I to our V V preacher de odder day when he smelt chicken fixin's an' drapped into our house to supper, 'Ma'y Jane has been a-readin' me in de paper dat dem big preacher men is gwine to shorten up de Ten Commandments.' " 'Well, Sis Mirandy,' spons Brer Jenkins, 'jedgin' by de way dat folks keeps 'em, dey might cut out all of de Commandments, an' no- body wouldn't know de difference. " 'I declar' Sis Mirandy,' he goes on, 'hit's got to be so now dat yous got to sugar-coat re- ligion to git anybody to swallow hit at all, an' as for doctrine, you is got to dilute hit down so much to make hit set on de modern stummick ontel hit's so weak dat hit ain't got no mo' taste to hit dan a mush puddin'.' " 'Amen,' 'sclaims I, 'bless Gord for de true words! As for me, give me de good ole hell fire an' damnation religion, wid de sinners a- hangin' over de pit by de har of deir haids, an' 32 Revising the Ten Commandments 33 de saints lettin' out hallelujah hollers wid ev'y breath.' " 'Dat's right,' says Brer Jenkins, a-fetchin' a groan, c dat's de kind of religion dat hets folks up, an', Sis Mirandy, mam, when I was young I used to be a master hand at handin' hit out. " c Yessum, ef I do say hit myself, as hadn't oughter,' persues Brer Jenkins, helpin' hisself to anodder chicken leg an' some mo' of de sweet potatoes, 'yessum, I was a 'zorter what made de fur fly, an' de way I pounded de pulpit raised de dust so dat hit mos' hid me from de congre- gation. Furdemo', in dem days de Bible was thought good enough for de preacher to take his text out of, but nowadays de chu'ch thinks dat you is a back number, an' begins to look around for a new minister, ef you don't preach right straight out of de newspapers. " 'An', mo' over and lakwise, you is got to con- fine yo' remarks to picturin' de joys of heaven for dey won't stand for bein' harried up wid no reference to de place whar de wurm dieth not an' de fire is not quenched becaze dey has done proved to deir own saterfaction dere ain't no sech a spot.' " 'Dat's so, 5 spons I, 'an' I tell you, Brer Jenkins, I certainly did sustain a pussonal loss 34 Mirandy when dey took away my faith in hell. Yessir, I sho'ly was bereaved, for I took a heap of com- fort in thinking dat a lot of folks what has done dirt to me was headed dat way, an' was gwine to git what was a-comin' to 'em for thro win' aspar- agus on my character.' " Dat's right, Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jen- kins; 'dey is done took away mos' of de con- solations of religion, an' made salvation so sure dat nobody ain't botherin' no mo' about makin' deir callin' an' election safe. Looks lak folks 'pears to think dat dere ain't no class to bein' a angel, an' gwine straight to glory when dey die, ef ev'ybody else is got a harp an' a crown waitin' for 'em dat dey can't lose/ " 'Well,' says I, 'hit looks lak to me dat dem preachers, I don't care ef dey is bishops an' big bugs lak dat, has got deir nerve wid 'em when dey lays deir hands on de Ten Commandments an' tries to shorten 'em up.' " 'Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jenkins, 'don't you blame de men too much, for I reckon dat about de'mos' unpopularest document in de world is dem same Ten Commandments. You see de trouble wid 'em is dat dey steps on too many toes. Dey is lak a stick of dynamite, dat a preacher has to handle mighty careful in de pul- Revising the Ten Commandments 35 pit, for ef he draps 'em hard dey is liable to bust loose an' blow up de ve'y brer what puts de biggest wad in de contribution box. " c So I spects dat dem preachers thought dat dey had best cut dem commandments over, ac- cordin' to de fashion of de times, for dey sho'ly don't fit comfortable now on a real styly congre- gation.' " 'Brer Jenkins,' I axes, 'how you reckon dem folks what is tinkerin' wid de commandments is gwine to alter 'em 4 ?' " 'Cose I don't know, Sis Mirandy,' spons Brer Jenkins, c caze dey ain't axed my advice, but I spects dey'll sort of lighten up things an' say, "Thou shalt have no God but me, except money an' sassiety," an' "Thou shalt remember the Sabbath Day to play golf an' go to picnics," an' "Parents shall honor deir chillen and obey 'em," an' "Thou shalt not kill unless thou hast got enough money to hire doctors dat will prove you is crazy," an' "Thou shalt not steal onless you takes a million." Furdermo', Sis Mirandy, I guess dey'll sort of soften up dem command- ments about sidesteppin' so as not to hurt de feelin's of dem what has swapped husbands and wives wid deir neighbors an' is just got back from Reno. 36 Mirandy " 'Yes, Sis Mirandy/ goes on Brer Jenkins, 'what de Ten Commandments needs to make 'em popular is to make 'em lighter as well as shorter. A lot mo' people would keep 'em ef dey didn't interfere so much wid what dey is doing.' " 'Maybe so,' I spons, 'but I don't hold w r id none of dese heah new fangled, short cut, ball- bearing faiths, dat are guaranteed to save you, whether or no. De ole time religion is good enough for me, an' I'se pinnin' my faith to dat, an' to stumblin' along, keepin' de tightest grip I can to de Ten Commandments de length de Lord handed 'em down.' " IV The Troubles of Women U \TAWM, dere ain't no luck in bein' bawn a X^l woman, no way. You is marked for trouble from de ve'y minnit dat de doctor says to yo' ma, 'Hit's a fine gal, Ma'am,' an' you is dest as sho' to git all dat's comin' to you as de sparks is to fly upwards. "Dere ain't nothin', from gwine upstairs totin' a baby in one hand, an' a lamp in de odder, an' holdin' up yo' frock wid yo' teeth, down to tryin' to vote, an' gittin' flung out of de pollin' place becaze you belongs to de angel sect, dat hit ain't harder to do becaze you is a woman. "Now sposin' a man wants to git married. All he got to do is to up an' pick out de lackliest lookin' gal in de neighborhood, an' hit don't make no difference how little, an' runty, an' bandy legged he is, he can git her, an' ev'ybody say, 'whut a lucky gal Samanthy is dat she done catch a husban' at las' !' "But when we women wants to git married, all 37 38 Mirandy dat we kin do is to set aroun' on de anxious seat an' do de best we can to tole in some man unbe- knownst to hisself, an' widout rousin' de sus- picions of de neighbors. Lawd, hit makes me tired to dis day to think of de wuk, an' de trou- ble I took to kotch Ike — dat's my old man — an' ef I knowed de ins an' de outs of matermony den lak I does now, an' how many stove lifters, an' rollin' pins I'd have had to a busted makin' mar- ried life one gran' sweet song, as de hymn book says — for I'se all for peace, ef I has to fight for hit — why, I specs dat I would have been a ole maid. "But a woman don't dodge trouble by bein' a ole maid, becaze ef she stays single, an' starts out to make a livin' lak a man does, lo an' behold, all de men raises de cry dat she's done got out of her sacred spear. Now de odder night I was at de pra'r meeting, an' Brer Jinkins suttinly had promulgated a most edifyin' discourse, an' had des hung de sinners over de pit by de har of dere haids ontel you could fa'ly smell 'em friz- zlin'. "Hit sholy was a refreshin' meetin', an' when things kin' of het up I felt a call to 'zort de sin- ners, but no sooner is I riz up in my seat dan Brer Jinkins called out : The Troubles of Women 39 " 'Sis Mirandy, set down ! De women must keep silence in de chuch. Dey's de weaker ves- sel.' " 'Don't you come no weaker vessel on me,' I spons, for my dander was up. 'Whar would de chuches be ef dere warn't no women in dem? Who would pay de preacher? Whar did you git dat fine coat on yo' back. Brer Jinkins? Don't seem lak I heah nobody complainin' 'bout women talkin' in de chuch when dey talks 'bout passin' 'round de hat. I'se been listenin' mighty close, wid my year to de groun', but when de money dat de Daughters of Zion raises talks nobody don't say, "Heish" to hit. Least of all de preachers.' " 'Set down, woman,' says Brer Jinkins, 'a woman whut speechifies in public am a scandal an' a disgrace, an' out of her place,' an' bein' as I had said my say, I set down. " Yas, Lawd, hit sholy is funny 'bout woman's sacred spear. As near as I kin figger hit out, you is in hit as long as you raises de money, but when you wants to have a hand in de spendin' of hit you dest busts right out of your spear den an' dar. I mind one day when I was comin' home from de laddies whut I washes for, wid a bundle of clothes 'bout de size of a trunk, dat I meets 40 Mirandy up wid Ike, an' we stops an' passes de time of day. "To' de Lawd, Mirandy,' said he, 'but you is a fine, stroppin' woman to tote a load lak dat.' "Wid dat he perambulated on his way widout stoppin' to lend me a hand in gittin' de clothes home. Bimeby he come along agin when I was fetchin' de water to wash wid, but he didn't say nothin' 'bout packin' in a few buckets to help me, but dat evenin' after I done took de < lothes home an' got de money for de wash, I meets him agin, an' he says : " 'Mirandy, you look kinder tired an' tuckered out. You better let me tote yo' pocketbook for you.' "But I spons dat if I'se got de strength to do de work, I sho can brace up enough to pack de money hit brings in, an' den Ike looks mighty sorrowful an' says as how he's afeared I'se a-git- tin' out of my spear, an' dat he s'pects de next thing I will want is to vote. An' I answers dat I does, an' dat if dere is anything in votin' for men, dat women needs it worst dan dey does, an' den he fetches a groan an' says dat de country shorely will go to de dogs whenever women gits out of dere sacred spear. "Den I up an' asks him what is women's sacred "Mirandy, you better let me tote yo } pocketbook />) or you. The Troubles of Women 43 spear, an' he don't know no more dan a rabbit. But I does. I done took notice dat women's sacred spear is doin' de jobs dat ain't got no pay to 'em, an' dat no man ain't hankerin' after. 'S long's a woman stays at home an' patches her husband's britches, an' nusses de babies, an' does de cookin' an' de scrubbin', an' takes in a little washin' on de side to help out wid de rent money an' keep de pot boilin', ev'ry man thinks she is des where she ought to be, 'caze he ain't a-honin' after dem jobs. But when she gits where she gits real money, an' somethin' easy to do, den a howl goes up dat she's done jumped over de bars, an' got out of her sacred spear, an' dat's along of de trouble of bein' a woman. "Co'se most of de trouble dat married women has is becaze after you gits married you has got to keep yo' weather-eye peeled to keep yo' hus- band from segasuatin' off wid odder women, but I settled dat question right off of de bat. When me an Ike got spliced he suttinly was a pussonable man, wid a figger dat was as slim an' straight as a telefoam-post, an' I ain't a-blamin' de gals for cuttin' dere eyes at him. "Now, how you rec'on I stopped all of dat foolishness? You rec'on I des set down to weep an' lament 'bout him runnin' aroun' nights? 44 Mirandy Naw'm. I des knocked dat fine figger of his into de middle of next week, an' turned hit into what looked lak a beer-barrel on skids. Yessum, I shorely did take temptation out of dat nigger's way. I stuffed him so full he couldn't move. After a man has been up ag'inst a chicken-dinner wid fixin's, he ain't got no call to hunt up fun dat is outside de home limits. All he wants to do is to shuffle over to a chair in de chimney-cor- ner an' smoke his pipe. Naw'm, dere ain't no way of keepin' a man at home of a evenin' lak fillin' him so full dat he can't move. Besides, dere ain't nothin' dat stops flirtatiousness lak fat. You don't see no woman lookin'. back over her shoulder at a gentleman wid a bay window. "Den I is never been sparin' of usin' soft soap wid Ike. A man's got to have hit, an' if his wife don't hand hit to him wid a shovel, some odder woman will wid a spoon: Dat's de way I looks at hit, an' as long as I wants Ike to bring me home his pay envelope of a Saturday night I'se got to run de axle grease factory. When Ma'y Jane Jones tells Ike dat he sho' has got a proud walk, I spons dat he suttinly does perambulate lak a prince. When Elviry Smith fetches him a com- pliment 'bout lookin' lak a dude, I low dat hit's de figger of de man, an' dat he could make any The Troubles of Women 45 kin' of hand me downs look lak dey just walked out of de tailor shop. "Co'se, some folks holds dat hit's de women's place to keep dere husbands fascinated by bein' beautiful, dough ugly, an' dat de way to do dat is to keep demselves lookin' lak a livin' skeleton, an' I reckon dat at de present time dere ain' no odder trouble dat women has got dat is equal to de affliction of gittin' rid of deir fat. As for me, I don't hold wid none of dat foolishness, caze I done took notice dat, in de fust place, men ain't sot on scrawny women. "Dey's dest natcherally drawed to a woman whut looks lak she knows how to put a heavy han' on de seasonin' in cookin', an' dat is too hefty to move 'roun spry enough to keep up wid 'em. Ef you will notice you will see dat most of de ole maids belongs to de raizor back class. Dere ain't nothin' 'bout one of dese heah po', stringy, starved lookin' women dat makes a man think 'bout de comforts of home. As for me, I ain't botherin' myself 'bout gittin' fat, an' I ain't a pinchin' on whut I eats, caze ef I'se got to choose betwixt po'k chops, an' Ike, I'se gwine to take de po'k chops. Dere's mo' substance to 'em dan dere is to de love dat can't stand anodder inch in yo' waist measure. 46 Mirandy "An' den dere's de trouble dat women has 'bout gittin' advised. Dere ain't nothin' in dis world dat a woman can do, or leave undone, dat dere ain't somebodjr handin' out advice 'bout hit to her. Most of de sermons in de chuches is ad- dressed to de sisteren instid of de brethren, dough Gawd knows de brethren needs 'em worse, an' whenever a man has got a spare minnit, he ups an' tells women whut a awful crime dey's com- mittin' by dis heah raced susancide. "Dat's sholy does rile me, for ef dere is one place whar a man should sing small, an' talk low, hit's in de neighborhood of de cradle. I'se a reasonable woman, an' I'se willing to listen to dem whut's been through de mill, an' to take dere advice, an' ef you'll fetch along a man whut has had a baby — or maybe twinses — I'll set at his feet an' listen to de words of wisdom dat draps from his lips, des as humble as de next one. "But when men whut ain't never had no pus- sonal experience in de baby line, an' dat ain't never had to git up of a cold night an' walk de colic, an' dat thinks dat you washes a baby lak you does a setter pup, comes along an' tells women 'bout how dey ought to populate de earth, an' increase de number of dem whut finds hit hard enough to make a livin' as hit is, hit sholy do The Troubles of Women 47 make me tired. Becaze hit does look to me dat ef dere is one subject dat women has a right to an opinion on, hit is de baby question. Let dem dat has 'em, number 'em. "An' look at de difference in de way dat hit is when a man's sick, an' a woman's sick. When Ike comes home an' finds me gwine 'round de house wid my jaw tied up for de neuralgy, or my arm in a sling for de rheumatics, he takes a mighty ca'm view of hit, an' tells me to buck up an' bear hit, an' dat de best way to git rid of sick- ness, is to wuk hit off, but my Ian', when he's sick, de tale am different. I never knows how much sufferin' dere is in dis world, nor how big a fuss anybody can make 'bout hit, ontel Ike gits under de weather, so de odder day when he come home lookin' kin' of peekd an' trimbly, an' wid de shiv- ers playin' up an' down his backbone, I knows dat my wuk was cut out for me. "As soon's he got in de door he flung hisself down in de chair, an' grabbed his head in his hands, an' let out one of dose day-of- judgment groans. 'Mirandy,' says he, C I ain't long for dis world. I'se done got my death-warrant.' ' £ Huh !' spons I. 'You ain't got nothin' but a bad cold. I'll make you some hot pepper tea, an' you'll be all right in de mornin'.' 48 Mirandy "But wid dat he let out anodder groan. 'Heish, woman, 7 he says. 'Hit's all right for you to dose yo'self an' de chillern on yarb teas, but I don't want you projeckin' wid me, 'caze my life is vallyable.' "Well, after I'd got him in bed, fust he was too hot, an' den he was too cold, an' den he thought de kiver was too light, an 5 den hit was too heavy, an' I kep' a swappin' things till you'd 'a' thought hit was a tradin' match betwixt de blankets an' de quilts, an' fust an' last I bet I'se made a acre of mustard plasters an' heated four million gallons of water for foot-baths. Den I axed him if dere was anything else I could do for him, an' he spons no, dere is mighty little to do for a dying man, but he knowed after he was gone hit would be a comfort to me dat I'd done what I could, so maybe I'd better cook him some fried chicken an' pork-chops an' a mess of greens, for he thought he would try to eat a little to keep up his strength. "An' all de time Ike was a-moanin' an' groanin' an' prognosticatin' dat he was gwine to die, an' den he called me to him an' took my hand, an' said dat he's afraid dat he ain't been as good a husband to me as he mout 'a' been, dat he's given me a lot of back talk dat he's sorry for now, an' <( An } den he ax me to forgive him. 9 The Troubles of Women 51 dat he'd feel a heap more easier in his mind, now dat he's done wid dis world, if he'd paid de rent instid of buyin' Ma'y Jane Jones a bonnet an 5 a segasuatin' round wid her, an' den he ax me to forgive him, an' I spons dat I will — if he dies, but dat if he don't we'll see 'bout dat. "Co'se dere's lots of agrivations an' troubles in bein' a woman, but I ain't one of dem women what is always tearin' out dere har becaze dey ain't men. Dat I ain't. Petticoats may not be as handy an' convenient for gittin' 'bout him in .as britches, but, my land, dey's a lot mo' pro- tection. "Dere ain't nothin' dat woman does, or don't do, dat ain't excused along of her bein' a woman. . Des her sect is sort of a standin' apology for her failures, an' a ruffled petti- coat wid lace on de aidges is worth more dan an alibi in a murder trial. Dere ain't no use tryin' to convict a good-lookin' woman what's done killed somebody, becaze nobody believes dat she did hit in de fust place, an' in de second place dey is convinced dat de person ought to've been killed anyhow, an' in de last place dey think dat a woman ought not to be punished noway, no matter what she does. "An' den when you wants to give anybody 52 Mirandy back talk, hit shorely does give you de whiphand to be a woman, lessen you wants to sass yo' hus- band. If hit is some odder man dat is obliged to remember dat a gentleman can't lift his hand ag'inst a lady dat ain't his own wife, you's got him on de run. When dere's any occasion in our house to tell de butcher an' de gas-man dat dey is thieves an' liars an' assassins, I'se de one dat always does hit, becaze if Ike was to specify himself dat way to 'em we'd be mighty liable to need to call in de ambulance. I certainly is argi- fyed wid men dat had-de expression of 'damn' all over 'em, yet all dey did was to grit dere teeth, an' smirk, an' smile at me. "Yessum, hit's a great thing to be a woman. Hit's 'bout de best excuse, goin' an' comin', dat anybody has ever invented yet, an' as for me, when I want protection I'd rather shelter myself behind a real styly well-hung silk frock dan be- hind a pile of four-inch steel armor. Dat's where we git good an' even for all de trouble of bein' a woman. You hear me*? Yessum." V Women's Clubs 44 1 AS' night," remarked Mirandy, "Brer Jenkins sho'lv did give us a soul-sarchin' L b sermon ^n de subject of women's clubs, whut he 'lowed was at de bottom of ill de wickedness in de world. "He say as how hit was women's clubs dat drove men to drink, an' Brer Ishom, whut ain't nothin' but a beer keg, holler out c Amen !' An' dat hit was women's clubs dat sont husbands off to de crap games, an' Brer Sim, whut draps his pay envelope at de corner grocery befo' he kin git home of a Saturday night, fetch a groan an' say, 'Bless Gord fer de true word.' An' dat hit^ was women's clubs dat was responsible for all de divorches, an' Brer Reuben, whut keeps Sis Sally's eyes blacked up all de time along of beatin' her when things don't suit him, spons, 'Yes, Lawd!' An' dat women's clubs is de cause of all de po', little neglected chillen, and Brer Silas, whose wife is sickly an' got fo'teen dozen 53 54 Mirandy chillens an' twins to boot, called out, 'Praise de Lamb, dat's so !' "Howsomever, Ike kept moughty still, which may have been becaze my eye was upon him, an' agin, mought have been becaze he had con- victions odderwise; but I took notice dat he didn't raise his voice in bearin' witness, even when Brer Jenkins wind up by sayin' dat a woman's place was in de home, an' dat when she went out of hit she knocked de props out from under religion an' society, dough dat sentiment, I is took notice,. is jest as shore of a round of ap- plause from men as hit is for de clown to kick somebody acrost de ring at de circus. "After de sermon Brer Jenkins come along an' shake hands an' past de time of day wid me an' Sis Marthy, an' we bof sho'ly did give him a warm welcome. " 'Brer Jenkins,' says I, c dat suttinly was a grand sermon, an', as far as dis ole woman is concerned, hit is gwine to bear fruit right away.'* " Tm pleased to hear dat, Sis Mirandy/ spons Brer Jenkins, c an' to know dat I sowed de seed on de fertile ground.' " 'Dat's right,' says I. c Ef you'll des drap around at de chu'ch to-morrow arternoon 'bout .^3 *} « 8 ^ v<- v Women's Clubs 57 three o'clock you kin gladden yo' eyes by seein' me an' all de balance of de Daughters of Zion a-settin' under de shade of de turnip tree dat has growed up in a single night from de seeds you drapped.' " 'How's dat, Sis Mirandy?' axes Brer Jen- kins, wid a sort of a trimble in his voice. " 'Well,' 'spon's I, I'm gwine to disband de Daughters of Zion, becaze, if women's clubs is de occasion of all dem backslidin's on de part of men dat you say dat dey is, an' is a-strewin' de Ian' wid busted homes, an' chillen dat ain't got no buttons on deir clothes, I ain't gwine to have no part nor lot in 'em. Nawsir, I ain't a-gwine to countenance, let 'lone run, no aggregation of female snakes dat's drivin' noble an' innercent men to drink an' gamble to forgit deir sorrer, an' a-raisin' up chillen for de chain gang, an' darfore de sooner dat de Daughters of Zion is put out of business de better.' " 'But, Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jenkins, 'de Daughters of Zion is a religious organization.' " 'I can't help hit, Brer Jenkins, hit's a woman's club all de same, an' hit takes a woman away from home des as long to attend de sewin' society an' git up a chu'ch fair as hit does to go to de literary society an' hear a woman wid a 58 Mirandy knobby forehead an' a dress dat hikes up in de front prognosticate 'bout BrowninV " 'But, Sis Mirandy,' argifys Brer Jenkins, c whar would we git de money to pay de preacher's salary ef hit warn't for de Daughters of Zion?' " 'Hit's tainted money, Brer Jenkins/ 'spon's I, c an 5 you are better off widout hit. 5 " c An' de elders always looks to de Daughters of Zion to pay off de chu'ch debt at de eend of de year, an' buy de new cyarpet, an' put in fancy glass windows lak dem yainglorious Presbyter- ians has around de corner.' " 'Let 'em look no mo'/ spons I, 'for de Daughters of Zion is pious women, an 5 ef we's been a-committin' onbeknownst all dem sins dat you promulgates we is, \ den we'se gwine to quit right here an' no w^ for dere ain't none of us made our callin' an' election dat sho' dat we feels lak , we kin take any resk on hit v by belongin' to ope of dem wicked women's clubs. 5 "But Brer Jenkins didn't have no notion of havin' de mainstay of de contribution box tucken away from him, t an' he explained dat we^ had misonderstood him, an 5 dat hit was all right for women to belong to clubsj to raise money for men to spend, .but dat de wrong come in when Women's Clubs 59 women banded deirselves togedder in societies for deir own furj an' improvement, "Which looked to me lak a moughty jubous proposition, an 5 a-whippin' de devil aroun' de stump. " 'In dis view,' goes on Brer Jenkins, 'I has de endorsement of all de men dat is husbands.' " 'Dat you don't,' 'spon's Brer Thomas, 'for ef dere ever was a mussiful dispensation of Provi- dence for de savin' of de life and de peace of po', downtrodden man^it is de woman's club, t an' ef I knowed who founded de fust one I'd travel a thousand miles#to place a bouquet on her grave.' " 'Why so?' inquires Brer Jenkins. " 'Becaze,' 'spon's Brer Thomas,/ 'de way a woman is built, she ain't happy, onless she is re- formin' somethin'. Hit's a constitutional afflic- tion wid her # an' she can't help hit. In de days befo' dere was any women's clubs* she used to wuk.of^ her reforms on her husband. Now she takes hit out on reformin' de public. De club is a kind of safety valve #whar she blows off her steam, an' nobody ain't hurt nor interfered wid. " 'Now, I ain't whut you'd call a drinkin' man, but I feels hit f best to do lak St. Paul.an' take a little for de stomach's sake, whilst my Mariar is full of temperance views dat I would have to 60 Mirandy stand ^for ef hit warn't dat r I kin take de op- portunity whilst she is off at de Prohibition Club a-passin' redhot resolutions \E odder night Ma'y Jane whut is got de D higher eddication, an' takes mo' interest in whut folks is doin' in furrin 3 parts dan whut dey's doin' right next do' to her, was a readin' to me an' her paw a piece in de paper whut tells 'bout some people down in Africky, whar de husband speaks one langwidge, an' de wife speaks anodder langwidge. " 'Whut a strange place, an' whut a remark- able race/ says Ma'y Jane, a gazin' pensive lak at de ceiling, c oh, how I should like to travel, an' go an' see dem curis customs.' ' 'Humph,' sclaims I wid a meanin' glance at Ike, 'I don't know dat you'se got to pay out yo' money travellin' hither an' van to see a man dat talks wid one tongue to his w T ife, an' anodder tongue to odder ladies, specially ef his wife is fat, and dem ladies is young, and slim, an' is got straight front figgers. ' c Naw, daughter,' I goes on, warmin' up to de 67 68 Mirandy subject, 'you don't have to leave yo' own coun- try, nor yo' own state, nor yo' own town, nor yo' own street, nor yo' own house to find men whut don't understand whut deir wives says to 'em — leastways ef dey do understand, dey don't act on hit. Yas, daughter,' says I, 'you take my word for hit dat whedder you travels far or near, de most curis nation of people dat you is ever gwine to set yo' eyeballs on is husbands, an' hit's my opinion dat ef most of 'em was whar dey belong dey would be out in de Zoo wid de odder wild animals dat can't be tamed, nor domesticated, instid of roamin' around amongst po', helpless, weak women seeking whom dey may devour, lak one of dese heah ravellin' lions whut de Good Book tells 'bout.' " 'De trouble wid most of de men dat I meets up wid,' says Ma'y Jane, 'is dat dey ain't lions, but sheep dat take to deir heels an' runs when dey sees a skirt bearin' down deir way. Oh,' she goes on wid a wishful look in her eyes, 'but I sho'ly would lak to be chased down by one bold, woman-eating man!' " 'Daughter,' 'spons I, 'you take hit from me dat men is got mighty curis peculiarities, an' de curisiest of 'em is dat no matter how tame dey is before marriage, dey is wild enough afterwards.' Different Tongues 69 " 'Well,' says Ma'y Jane, C I reckon dat's so, an' dat de reason dat so many husbands sets up lak images at home, wid no more talk in 'em dan a stuffed bear, is becaze dey don't speak de same langwidge dat deir wives does, an' dey ain't got no way of swappin' ideas.' " 'Huh,' snorts Ike, 'when a man don't shoot off his mouth at home hit's becaze he's tryin' to keep out of a fight, an' to pour oil on de trouble' waters lak dish heah Mr. Carnegie. But whut's dat you say, daughter, 'bout de paper tellin' about a place whar de wives an' de hus- bands don't speak de same tongue? " 'You take it from me dat dat ain't so, an' dat dere ain't no sich a place dis side of heaven, becaze ef dere was, de railroads would be runnin' 'scursions to hit, an' ev'y married man would light out for hit as soon as he could scrape to- gedder de price of a ticket — an' dey would all be one way tickets, too. Dere wouldn't be no return coupons. " 'Yassum, ef dere's any sich a land a flowin' wid milk and honey, an' peace and quiet, lead me to it ! And leave me dere ! " c Des think of how soul saterfyin' hit would be to a man when he picked up his hat of a evenin', right after supper, an' started for de 70 Mirandy crap game at de corner saloon, to be able to wave his hand at his wife an' say: cc ' "I hears you makin' a kind of jabberin' noise, but I don't know whut it means. Maybe you are wishin' me luck, an' spressifyin' your hope dat I'll pass a pleasant evenin' wid a bunch of congenial friends aroun' a beer table. " c "Or maybe you is givin' me yo' opinion of a man whut spends his time away from home, an' throws away his money gamblin' when his chillun needs shoes, an' whut come home at two o'clock in de mawnin' dat tanked up wid red eye dat he can't find de keyhole. Lakely you is sayin' one, or de odder, 4 of dese tings, but as I don't onderstand yo' langwidge hit don't make no difference to me, an' I'll jest sashay along, an' you can't stop me, becaze I ain't on to your lingo." " 'Yassum, an' jest t'ink whut a savin' hit is to a man's pocket not to be able to make out whut she's after when his wife's holdin' him up for his pay envelope. Maybe in dat land of de blessed, a man's wife axes him for a new dress, an' a new hat, an' de money to buy de chillun flower bunnets and forty leben odder things, an' all dat he has to do is jest to shake his head, in- "But I don't know whut it means" Different Tongues 73 stid of gwine down into his jeens and pullin' up de cash. " ' "My dear turtle dove," he says, "I sees you a givin' me de high sign, an' de grip, but I don't know yo' pass word, or whut you want. How- somever, seein' dat you has got de luck to be married to me, I takes hit dat you is sayin' dat you can make over your ole dress, and fix over your last winter's hat so dat de sisters in de church won't know it, an' for me to take what- ever spare cash I has got on hand an' go an' buy me a red weskit, an' a fur-lined overcoat." " 'And jest think how restful matermony must be in dat country where dere ain't no use in a wife bottlin' up her thoughts about her husband to tell him at night, becaze he don't understand one word she says. Co'se women is women, whereever dey is, an' life wouldn't be worth livin' to 'em onless dey could tell dere husbands how dey got fooled when dey got married, an' how much better off dey wuz when dey lived wid deir Mas and Pas, an' how dey could have mar- ried some man about seven feet high an' dat made a million dollars a day, instid of de po', weak, runty shrimp dat don't draw down but twelve dollars a week, dat dey did tie up wid. 74 Mirandy " 'Yassum, no doubt ev'y woman in de world says dat, no matter whut langwidge she speaks ; caze dat's de common langwidge of all wives, but hit sutinly would be soothin' to a man's vanity ef he warn't on to de meanin' of de words she said hit in. " 'Yassum, hit sholy would make for domestic peace for a man not to be able to make out jest whut his wife's unbiased opinion of him was, an' whilst she was a prognosticatin' about his faults and his weaknesses for him to be able to say, as he dropped off to sleep : " ' "Sing on, sweet bird, I hears you a wabblin' somethin', but wedder you is throwin' boquets at me or jabbin' pitchforks into me, I don't know, so keep on if hit amuses you, for hit don't hurt me." " 'Yassum,' says Ike a heavin' a sigh, c dat land where de husbands speak one langwidge an' de wives anodder is de place for married folks, an' I'se gwine to hike out for hit.' " 'Well, hit don't make no hit wid me/ says I, 'for de onliest weapon dat a woman has got is her tongue, an' ef you makes hit so dat a hus- band ain't afraid of dat, she ain't got no way to pertect herself, an' whar is she?' " 'Des to think,' spons Ike in a kind of dreamy Different Tongues 75 tone, f dat dere's a country where de scoldin' of wives don't mean nothin' more to a man dan de buzzin' of mosquitoes! I wonder whut it cost to get there.' " VIII A Good Beginning "/^ALLINE SIMPKINS, whut is gwine to V^ marry Bill Hawkins nex' month, took me to one side de odder day, an' axed me a mighty funny question," observed Mirandy, with a complacent smile. " 'Sis Mirandy/ says she, Tse 'bout to enter de holy estate of wedlock, which de story books prognosticates to be a picnic, but which, so far as I kin see at home, wid my Ma an' my Pa a-fightin' to rule de roost, is mo' lak a battle ground. Now, I done cas' my eye around 'mongst de folks I know, an' I takes notice dat you is de freest woman, an' has got de politest husband, an' mo clothes of any in my 'quaint- ance, an' dat whilst Brer Ike aint to say hen- pecked, he walks mighty humble an' sings mighty low when you is around, an' as one sufferin' fel- low-woman to anodder, I axes you how does you do hit?' " 'Shoo/ I spon's, 'hit ain't no job to manage a husband ef you knows how.' 76 A Good Beginning 77 " 'Maybe not,' says she, 'but from de mess dat mos' women makes of hit, I should jedge dat dere is a lot of howsomeverness 'bout hit.' " 'Calline,' says I, 'I ain't one of dese heah women whut's always a-handin' out advice free gratis for nothin', an' pokin' hit down people's throats ef dey wont take hit no odder way, but bein' as how de Good Book commands us to speak de word in season, an' as how any woman dat is gittin' her weddin' clothes ready sho'ly am in need of a little counsel 'bout de tribula- tions she's gwine into, I sorter feels hit my duty to give you a few p'ints. " c An' dey is dis: Get off on de right foot. Dat's de whole of de law an' de gospil, as Brer Jenkins says. Ev'ything depends on de start you make when you is fust married. Ef you takes yo' seat on de top of de ladder, dar you'll set, an' yo' husband will stand down at de bot- tom an' look up an' admire you. " 'But ef you takes a seat down at de foot of de ladder, a-thinkin' dat he'll boost you up, or dat maybe after awhile you'll climb up yo'self, de ve'y fust time dat you tries to shin up he'll grab you by de petticoats an' pull you back. ' 'For a man don't think no mo' of a woman dan she thinks of herself. An' he believes 'bout 78 Mirandy her what she tells him herself, 'specially after dey is married, 'caze after a man's married to a woman he's ready to swallow anything dat she says dat don't call for no argyment, an 5 dat is kinder ca'm an' peaceable lak. " 'What makes Ike think dat I is de mos' economical woman in de world? Becaze I'se always a-showin' him de bargains I buys, whilst de things dat I gits tucked in on I shoves under de bed an' keeps mum 'bout. " 'What makes Ike think dat his guardeen angel must a-been a wukkin' overtime when he married me? Becaze I'se always a-tellin' him whut a good wife I is, an' how I saved him from marryin' Sally Smithers, whut has got twins, or Henrietta Jenkins, whut is de wust cook in town, or Susanna Jones, whut is dat shiftless dat she don't clean up her house from year's eend to year's eend. " 'Yassum, a woman suttinly does write her own price tag for her husband, an' hit shorely do rile me to see dem gumps of wives dat is al- ways a-beggin' an' a-prayin' deir husbands to overlook somethin' dat dey did, dat de man never would have found out ef dey hadn't told. Dat's de good of bein' married to a man, instid of bein' engaged to him — yo' husband don't look close enough at you to see whut you does do. A Good Beginning 79 " 'Yassum, dere ain't nothin' lak gittin' off on de right foot when you is married. In ev'y fambly dere's one dat is hit, an' de odder one dat ain't. Dere's one dat's got ways, an' dere's de odder one dat's got to put up wid dem ways. Dere's one dat's got to have de lean piece of de pork chops, an' de odder dat's got to eat de fat dat's lef on de dish. Dere's one dat's got to have de fine clothes an' set in de front pew, whilst de odder kinder sets away back under de gallery, whar folks can't see how many times deir clothes has been cleaned, an' how many patches dey is got on 'em. " k An' hit's de one dat gits de runnin' start when dey is married dat leads de procession all de way through. Whut happens in dem fam- blies whar de wife 'nounces from de start dat she never has done no hard wuk, an' don't never ex- pect to, an' dat she's got to have a silk frock, an' dat she is blessed wid nerves dat has got to be took care of'? Don't de husband git up in de mawnin', an' cook de breakfast, an' den hustle out to make de money, an' den walk lak he was walkin' on eggs round home so as not to disturb her'? Dat he does. :c c An' whut happens when a women marries one of dese heah uppity, consequential, big talkin' men dat has always got to be wearin' a 80 Mirandy silk hat, an' a tail coat, an' a s'ciety badge in his buttonhole, an' dat's forever a-marchin' in de procession, an' a-totin' de corpses out at de fun- eral, but dat is too fibble to follow de plow, or sling de hammer in de carpenter shop? Don't his wife take in washin' to support de fambly, an shoo de chillen out of de back do' so dey won't make any noise an' spile deir Pa's nap in de daytime? Dat she does. " c An' dat's de reason, when I turned dem facts over in my mind, dat de mawnin' after I was married I poured myself out de first cup of coffee, an' took de brownest biscuit an' de breast of de chicken. An' Ike, he's been passin' 'em to me ever since. I ain't greedy, an' I'd lak to give 'em to Ike once in a while, but I dassent do hit, for de only way a woman kin git anythin' is for her to make her husband believe dat she's 'bleedged to have hit. Ef he once finds out dat she kin do widout hit, she's a goner. " c An' hit's de same way 'bout dem little fracases dat will crop up in de fambly circle. Cose dere ain't no woman dat don't make mis- takes ; but, thank Gord, men do, too, an' a smart woman always lights into her husband for some- thin' he's done befo' he gets a chanst to get after her. Now, when I'se been downtown an' I'se A Good Beginning 81 spent de money dat I oughter paid de butcher wid for a Spring bonnet, I sails into Ike 'bout de way he segasuated around Ma' Jane Jones at de chu'ch sociable, an' I gits so much madder dan he is, an' talks so much faster, dat he forgits de remarks he was gwine to make to me 'bout dat butcher bill. " 'Yassum, dat's so; des give me fust word, an' I don't care who has de las' — ef dere is any las' when I gits through. " c Yassum, hit's all in gittin' a good start, an' gittin' off on de right foot when you're married. De reason dat dere is so many po', downtrodden, skimped, neglected wives is becaze when a girl is fust married she's so tickled at havin' a hus- band, an' so grateful to de man dat kept her from bein' a ole maid, dat she takes a back seat. Den by de time dat she finds out dat she ain't got so much to be thankful for, after all, hit's too late. Her husband is done got settled in de king cheer, an' he's so comfortable she can't git him out. " 'Nawm. Hit's all in de start, an' any woman dat don't keep her husband so busy apologizing for his shortcomings dat he ain't got time to notice hers don't deserve to have one. Dat's all.' " IX Friendship 44 T7 V V'Y now an' den," observed Mirandy, Jl^J with a perplexed look on her old face, "ev'y now an' den Brer Jenkins axes de prars of de congregation for some po', friendless crit- ter, an' we all fetches a kind of Amen sigh an' sloshes over wid pity for 'em. "Yit when I gits home, an' begins to cas' round in my mind for de 'casion of de sympathy, I wonders ef dem what ain't afflicted wid no friends ain't got de bulge on de balance of us. "An' mo' specially is I mixed up in my mind 'bout whedder hit's a blessin' or a calamity to have friends ef I is walked home wid Sis Hannah, what is my bosom companion, so to speak, what has knowed me ever sence we was chillen to- gedder, and darefore when she jabs a hatpin in me, knows des whar hit will hurt most. "Yassum, dem what ain't got no friends sho'ly do miss a lot, comin' an' goin'. Maybe dey don't hear many words of affection, but, my 82 Friendship 83 Lawd, dey passes up a lot of plain talk 'bout deir faults an' deir weakness dat folks wid a lot of conscientious friends has to listen to. "Caze a friend is wuss dan a husband or a wife in pintin' out to you des de places whar you falls down. I goes a little slow in tellin 5 Ike des w T hat I thinks of him becaze Pse got to live wid him an' git de mos ? of his pay envelope out of him on Sat'dy night, an' Ike, he's sorter shy of givin' me his unbiased opinion on my conduct, becase he remembers dat Pse mighty handy wid de flat iron; but dere ain't no thin' to hold back our friends from bein' perfectly hon- est, an' doing deir full duty by us. "After dey is done riled Ike, an' got my back up, by tellin' us of our back-slidin' for our own good, dere ain't nothin' to hinder 'em from stayin' out of our way ontell we cools off, an' hit's safe to come in our neighborhood once mo'. "Yassum, des a plain, common enemy wouldn't dast to say to you de things dat yo' best friend does, an' dat's de reason dat I thinks dat maybe we ain't got so much call to weep over de sorrers of de friendless, after all. "What makes me say all dis is dat Pse des been havin' sperunce dat has sorter busted de halo round friendship for me, an' made me kinder 84 Mirandy hone for de society of dem what don't know me enough not to be polite, an' don't love me enough to feel lak dey is got de right to tromple over my feelin's. "Yassum, I disremembers ef I ever is been stabbed in de back by anybody but a friend, an' de wust of hit is dat when dey gits out deir razors an' goes for you dey knows des whar dey kin bring de blood de quickest. "Now, de odder day I done put on my new frock, an' my Fall hat with a fowl 'bout de size of a Thanksgivin' turkey a-settin' in a nest of green ribbings on hit, an' as I turned away from my lookin' glass I thinks to myself dat ef I does say hit myself, I'se a mighty sportly lookin' cul- lud lady. An' dat put me in sech a good humor dat I went down de street so full of de milk of human kindness dat I'd a turned into butter ef you had a shook me. "Well, bein' as how things was, I thought dat I'd make a few visits 'mongst my friends, so de fust place I dropped in was Sally Ann's. Sally Ann, she's one of dese heah stringy, scrawny, starved lookin' kind of women dat looks lak deys been kept on half rations all deir life, an' she had on a dirty old Mother Hubbard dat warn't on speakin' terms wid de wash tub, an' Friendship 85 when I sat down on a cheer dat kind of creaked an' groaned under my weight an' looked at my silk frock, I sorter gin thanks dat I warn't lak some odder women I might mention, an' den I waited for Sally Ann to pass me de compliments 'bout my looks. "But bless yo' life, Sally Ann fetched a groan an' looked at me wid a sorrerful lookin' eye. 'Sis Mirandy,' says she, c is you ever tried any- thing for dat fat? Hit sho'ly am a sad sight to see anybody gittin' a figger lak yo's, an' hit seems to me dat ev'y time I sees you you has done put on 'bout ten pounds mo' flesh, an' is a inch bigger round de waist. 'Cose I wouldn't mention de fact to you, 'ceptin' dat you an' me is sech good friends dat I hates to see you losin' yo' good looks, an' gittin' mo' an' mo' lak a feather-bed, for I knows dat fat folks is kinder sensitive, an' maybe fat's a jedgment, anyway, sent on you to keep you humble. But ef I was you I suttinly would try starvin' myself, an' walkin' fo' miles on a empty stomach, an' doin' dem physical culcher exercises to try to bring myself down to a straight front figger.' "Now, ef Sally Ann had des been a acquaint- ance I'd a give her back as good as she sent, but bein' as how she was a friend I swallowed hard, 86 Mirandy an' 'lowed dat I better be a-movin' along, an' took my foot in my hand an' left. "De next house I went to was Sis Alviry Sniggers, what's mighty set on style, an' I sho'ly did feel lak I'd sqush Sis Alviry wid dat new bonnet, but Sis Alviry she took one look at hit through her spectacles, an' den she say: " 'Sis Mirandy, dat's a mighty fine bonnet you got on, but don't you think dat hit's 'bout twenty years too young for you? 'Cose ef me an' you hadn't been sech intimate friends ever sence we was gals, I wouldn't pass no remarks on hit, but bein' as how we is mos' lak sisters, I feels lak I ought to save you from makin' a figger of fun of yo'self by wearin' a hat dat would mo' become yo' daughter dan hit does you, for dere ain't nothin' dat makes a ole woman look so much lak a plum fool as one of dese heah hats all trimmed up wid birds, an' ribbons, an' things.' "I had to pass dat along, too, on account of Sis Alviry's friendship houndin' her on to take my pleasure out of my bonnet, but I wasn't en- joyin' her conversation enough to make me want to linger, so I segasuated on, an' de fust news I knowed I bumped into Sis Maria, who is one of de zorters in de chu'ch, an' de leader of de Friendship 87 prar meetin', an' when she see my silk dress she looked mighty mournful. " c Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'ef I wasn't one of yo' true friends I'd let you go yo' way to de- struction widout liftin' my voice, but bein' as how me an' you is sech good friends an' neigh- bors, I feel dat de call is laid on me to warn you against yo' besettin' sin, which is vanity. You ought to pray, Sis Mirandy, to be delivered from de temptations of silk frocks, an' feather bonnets, an' from a-dressin' yo'self up. You is a good woman, Sis Mirandy, but I wouldn't be a faithful friend ef I didn't pint out to you dat you is mighty puffed up wid pride an' vain- glory, which am unbecomin' a Christian, an' a woman dat ain't no better lookin' dan you. 'Cose ef you was young an' pretty, hit might be excused, but at yo' time of life, an' wid yo' figger, dere ain't no justification for hit.' i( 'Bout dat time hit begun to look to me dat home was de safest place for me, an' so I made a bee line for hit, but I hadn't been dere fo' minutes, fo' here comes Sis Sally Sue. An' she ain't no sooner got dere an' sunk down in a cheer dan she began: " c Sis Mirandy,' says she, Tse got a mighty 88 Mirandy onpleasant thing to do, but I ain't one of dem friends what shirks deir duty. Nawm, I says to myself when I heered dat Ike was a-makin' sheep's eyes at Gladys Geraldine, an' a-walkin' by her house of moonlight nights, dat hit's my duty as Sis Mirandy's oldest friend to go an' tell her 'bout hit, for ef her friends don't tell her de chances is she never will know hit. Friendship is a mighty sacred thing, Sis Mirandy,' she goes on a-rollin' up her eyes at de ceilin' wid a pious look, 'but I'se always ready to sacrifice myself for hit, an' hit was me dat told de Deaconses how folks was a-talkin' 'bout deir gal Betty, an' open de eyes of Sim Johnsing to de fact dat his wife warn't no better dan she ought to be.' "Wid dat I riz up an' put Sis Sally Sue out of de do', an' sence den when I wants any com- pany I'se been runnin' wid folks dat don't know me well enough to tell me de truth. An' I'se been a lot mo' peaceable, an' dat's what makes me wonder ef de friendless is so bad off after all. "Maybe dey has consolations." X Our Enemies 44 Y^\IS mawin'," said Mirandy, "as I was JL/ a-fetchin' yo' clothes home I met up wid Sis Marthy, an' I stopped to pass de time of day wid her. " 'Well, Sis Marthy, 3 I said, 'how does yo' symptoms seem to segasuate?' " 'Oh, Sis Mirandy/ spons she a bus tin' into tears, Tse a travelin' through de low ground of trouble an' tribulation.' " 'How so?' I axes. " 'Oh, Sis Mirandy,' she moans, 'I ain't got no friends. Dere ain't nobody dat loves me.' " 'Well,' I axes, 'you ain't run out of folks dat hates you, is you?' " 'Nawm,' she spons w T id a sob. " 'Shoo, den,' I says, 'you ain't got nuthin' to worry over, for let me tell you — one real hefty, able-bodied enemy will do you mo' good dan fifty friends. " 'What do friends do for you"? Dey comes 89 90 Mirandy , and eat up our vittels, an' borry our new flower bonnets, an' a little change dat dey forgits to pay back, but our enemies ain't got de privilege of comin' an' settlin' down on us, so dey's money in our pocket. " 'Did you ever heah of anybody dat ev'ybody liked dat ever had a dollar? Popularity is de fust mile post on de road to de po' house. You see one of dese heah men whut's hail-fellow- well-met wid ev'ybody, an' dat ev'y Tom, Dick, an' Harry slaps on de back, an' calls by his fust name, an' when he dies de preacher has to pass de hat 'roun to git de money to bury him wid. " 'I tell you, Sis Marthy, dat friends is 'bout de most expensive luxury dat anybody can in- dulge in, an' dat's why de folks dat gits rich, don't never have none. You don't heah of no- body whut's hangin' on de neck of dat Mr. Rockingfeller, or dat loves Mr. Carnegie lak a brother, does you? " 'But enemies is cheap. You don't have to feed 'em, nor buy no drinks for 'em, nor waste no time entertainin' 'em, nor set up wid 'em when dey is sick. All dat dey expect from you is des to give 'em de cold shoulder an' a dis- contemptuous look when you passes 'em by. " 'We talks a lot of foolishness about de Our Enemies 91 power of love, but it's de power of hate dat makes us git up an' do things. As long as we are in de bosom of our friends, who lak us no matter wedder we do anything or not, we jest settles back an' takes life easy. But des let a enemy come along, one of dese heah sneerin', fleerin' devils dat looks at vou slanch wise, an' laughs a laugh dat makes you want to choke him, an' den you gits busy. You rolls up your sleeves, an' spits on your hands, an' grits your teeth, an' hits do or die wid you, an' dat one measly little enemy has done mo' for you dan forty-leven friends did. " c An' de funny thing is dat we'll do more for our enemies dan we will for our friends. I know how dat is myself. When Sis Sally Sue, what me an' her has been lak twinses ever since we was born, is coming to see me, I des sort of gives de house a lick an' a promise kind of cleanin' up, an' I des lets her take pot-luck din- ner. f 'But when Sis Marietta, what she an' me has hated each odder lak pisen since we had dat run-in togedder at de chu'ch fair, is gwine to drap in an' pay me a call, I sweeps under de beds an' dusts behind de pictures, an' puts out fresh tidies on de chairs, an' I has some cake an' wine 92 Mirandy settin' around handy lak I ain't used to eatin' nuthin' else, for I ain't gwine to have dat long-tongued snake a-gwine around tellin' dat ole Mirandy is a shiftless housekeeper dat lakly starves her fambly, an' is dat stingy dat she be- grudges company a bite to eat. " 'An' whut makes me wuk my fingers to de bone a-takin' in washin' to buy me a three-cor- nered hat, an' one of dem harem-scarem skirts? Is hit fur de sake of Sis Becky, whut's my friend, an' dat I'll look good to in any kind of ole dudds? Nawm. Hit's for Sis Luelen, whut I can't abide, dat I does all of dat extra wuk, so dat I can flaunt myself down de chu'ch isle of a Sunday mawnin', a rattlin' as I walk, an' a shakin' my silk petticoats in front of her ve'y face, so dat she is dat filled wid envy dat she can't hear whut de preacher says. " 'Yessum, Sis Marthy,' I goes on, 'we'll do more for hate dan we will for love, an' hit's our enemies dat help us, an' de way I cotch a good husband was by baitin' de hook wid spite. 'You know dat when Ike was a young man he sho'ly was a buck nigger, an' all de gals was a hotfootin' hit after him, an' tryin' to tole him in wid angel's food, an' chicken fixins, an' sich lak, but he et dere good cookin', an' flew de % F 'When Ike was a young man he sho'ly was a buck nigger! " Our Enemies 95 coop, an' was dat foxy dat none of 'em couldn't lay dere hands on him. " 'Well, when I come along, I didn't waste no time over de cookin' stove. I cut my eye around an' I see dat dere was a feller named Sam dat de very looks of riled Ike lak a red rag does a mad bull. So I jest passed over Ike lak I didn't see him, an' begun makin' sheep's eyes at Sam, an' dat done de trick for Ike. He was jest obliged to take Sam's gal away from him ef he busted de traces doin' hit, an' by de time he done cut out Sam, he done led me to de altar. " 'Dat's whut makes me say whut I do, Sis Marthy. Don't you worry none about not havin' no friends as long as you've got plenty of enemies. Our best friends is our enemies, for dey are de ones dat keeps us up an' hustlin'.' " XI Retaining a Husband's Love "T"^ E odder ni g ht >" said Mirand y> " Sis c y n - JL/ thy, whut is one of dese heah trouble gatherers whut ain't never happy unless she is a-settin' up nussin' a secret sorrer, comes to my house, an' after we done pass de time of day she heave a sigh dat busted fo' buttons off de middle of de back of her shutwaist. " 'Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'whut is dis world a-comin' to? For hit's done got so you can't believe half you see, an' nothin' dat you hears.' " £ Dis shorely am a vale of lies and liars,' I respons, 'but what is done happen to you dat makes you prognosticate in dat tone of voice?' " 'Well,' says Sis Cynthy, 'you know dat di- vorshee lady whut come to our chu'ch las' week an' deliver a lecture befo' de Daughters of Zion on de subject of "How to Retain a Husband's Affections"? She suttingly did talk most grand, an' hit was a eddifyin' discourse as I ever listened to.' 96 Retaining a Husband's Love 97 " 'Hit's a mighty funny thing to me,' 'spons I, 'dat all de women dat is, gwine around layin' down de law about how to keep a husband is dem whut is done los' 'em, or old maids whut ain't never had 'em.' " 'Dat's de true word,' 'sclaimed Sis Cynthy, 'but didn't none of us think of hit at de time; an' she was a talker from 'way back. She began by sayin' dat men was fickle an' prone to change as de sparks am to fly upward, and dat by de time a woman gets settled down into double har- ness, de man has most ginerally kicked over de traces.' " ' "What wife in dis audience," says she, a-pintin' a bony finger at us, "what wife in dis audience can rise up from her cheer an' say dat her husband treats her lak he did in de days dat he was courtin' her? Does he bring her violets when he comes home at night? Does he spend his evenin' holdin' her hand? Does hit take ten minutes for him to kiss her good-by when he leaves her presence? Does he tell her how- beautiful an' whut a angel she is, an' dat he asks nothin' of Heaven but to make him worthy of her? "'"No! A thousand times, no! You all knows dat when yo' husbands don't make a 98 Mirandy sneak to de corner saloon after dinner dat dey sets around home in a way dat would make a clam on ice seem real excitin' an 5 lively company, an' dat, if yo' husband was to hand you out a few compliments about yo' pussonal appearance, or give you a kiss dat had a little ginger in hit, dat you would fall dead wid surprise. " ' c 'An' what, my sisters, is de whenceness of dis whereforeness, I asks you? Hit means dat yo' husbands is don los' intrust in you, dat deir affection is done simmered down to de lukewarm state, an' dat hit is yo' business to raise dat love to de bilin' pint again." " 'At dese words, Sis Mirandy, all of us turned sort of white aroun' de gills, for dough we never had thought befo' dat we was in any danger of losin' our husbands' affections, we see as soon as she pint hit out to us, dat dat was de ve'y way our husbands acts ; so we all leaned forward, stretchin' our necks lak my ole domminecker hen does when she is waitin' to be fed, whilst de lady speaker told us how to make our husbands fall in love wid us over agin, an' retain deir affec- tions when we got 'em. " C I disremember a lot dat she said, but de main thing was dat we must all git thin, an' slim, an' willowy, an' keep dressed up all de Retaining a Husband's Love 99 time, an' coquette wid our husbands an' not let 'em feel too sure of us. " 'Well, dat slim business certainly did git away wid me, Sis Mirandy, becaze I quit weigh- ing when I tilted de scales at 240; but when I went home, instid of pullin off my good clothes an' gittin' busy wid de cook stove, I set down in de parlor an' waited for Jeems Henry to come home. " 1 lowed to bring de ole light back into his eyes, lak de speaker said, when he saw me so fixed up; but when he gin one surprised look at me, an' anodder at de cold stove an' no supper, he ax me what in de name of creation is de matter wid me, an' is I done gone out of my senses? ' 'At dat I roll my eyes at him, an' look coy, an' say, "I done see de preacher as I come home dis evenin' an' he suttinly am a pussonable man." "'"Well," spons he, "maybe so; but ef I ketches dat flop-yeared hound a hangin' 'round heah I lay I'll break ev'y bone in his body." ' 'Den I rolls my eyes some mo' at Jeems Henry, lak I used to do when he was a courtin' me, an in de way dat he used to think was fas- cinating but I reckon he done forgot, for he look 100 Mirandy sort of scared lak, an' poked his head in de kitchen do' an' holler out to one of de chillen to run for de doctor, for deir ma was sudden took, an' out of her haid. " 'At dat I got up an 5 pulled off my good clothes an' cooked supper, an' things went on jes' de same at our house, dough all de evenin' I seen Jeems Henry lookin' at me sort o' slant- wise over de paper, lak he thought I done gone crazy, an' I was ashamed to tell him dat I had jest been tryin' to win back his lost love an' in- trust. " 'An' dat's what make me say what I do, Sis Mirandy, dat dere ain't nothin' in dese heah recipes about fascinatin' yo' husband over again. Hit can't be did.' " 'Maybe married women ain't lost deir hus- bands' love so often as dey think dey is, Sis Cynthy,' says I. 'As for me, I don't take no stock in dis heah love talk. Talk's cheap. De proof of a husband's affection is de way he treats you, not what he says, an' de test of love after marriage ain't bringin' home vi'lets; hit's bringin' home de pay envelope. As long as Brer Jeems Henry does dat, you ain't got no call to worry. " 'An' don't you fool yo'self about thinkin' dat you is gwine to retain yo' husband's affection Retaining a Husband's Love 10 1 by keepin' him on de anxious seat. After a man is done been married ten years he ain't hankerin' after thrills: he's lookin' for peace. " f De trouble wid most women,' goes on I, 'is dat dey treats deir husbands lak reasonable be- ings, which ain't no way to treat a husband, for husbands ain't nothin' but babies wid beards. You got to pat 'em some, an' spile 'em some, an' spank 'em some, an' shet yo' eyes to deir doin's some, an' stuff 'em on what dey lak to eat, an' ef yo' does dat yo' can mostly keep 'em at home — or leastways dey's sure to come back to hit.' " 'But ain't dere no way a woman can be shore of retainin' her husband's love?' axes Sis Cynthy. ff 'Narry a way, so far as I knows,' spons I. c An' dat makes de intrust of matermony. Hit would be awful wearin' to be tied to somethin' you couldn't give away, or kill, or lose.' " XII The Superior Civilization of Man 44 T CAN always tell/ 5 remarked Mirandy with A conviction, "when a man is dat henpecked at home dat he says 'our britches' when he talks about his pants. He's de man dat when he gits out whar his wife can't hear him is always a lambastin' women, an' layin' ev'rything dat goes wrong, from de weather up an' down, at deir door. Yassum, de man whut crows de loudest abroad, sings de smallest on his own roost pole. "Now dere's Br'er Jenkins dat dasn't call his soul his own when Sis' Jenkins is around, but, sakes alive, you ought to jest hear him when he gits up in de pulpit whar nobody can't dispute him. De way he wades into women is jest plumb scandalous, an' last night he shorely was on a high horse, caze he been readin' somethin' in de paper dat kinder backed him up. Of cose, de men in de congregation is a-feared to hold up his hands, no matter what dey thinks. 102 Superior Civilization of Man 103 Fer dey's mos'ly married, an' is got to go home wid deir wives. "But dis piece in de paper say dat one of dem college perfessers is done bust loose again, an' dat he say dat women is lots mo' oncivilized an' heathenish dan men is, an' dat ef he had a-been raised by his Pa, instead of by his Ma, dat he would a-been lots mo' of a perfect lady dan whut he is. "When Br'er Jenkins tell about dat, he fetches a sigh and says, 'How true dat is!' an' Br'er Sim starts to holler £ Amen!' but he happen to ketch Sis' Tempy's eye an' he changes hit to a kinder groan. Den Br'er Jenkins go on to tell how de perfesser say dat de Pas ought to fetch up de chillen so as to give 'em de benefit of de elervatin' masculine inflooence, an' at dat I sing out: " 'Bless Gord, let de good day come!' " "Fer I specs dat's one view dat de women is gwine to chip in mighty lively wid. Yassum, hit suttinly would be handy to have a husband an' father around de house dat would walk de colic, an' scrub de chillen's faces, an' give 'em bread an' molasses ev'y time dey cried fer hit, an' nuss em when dey was sick, an' put 'em to bed at night, an' all de time you could set back 104 Mirandy easy in yo' cheer, a-knowin' dat dey was a im- bibin' de nice, gentle, refined ways of men, 'stead of gittin to be rough an' rude lak women. "Yassum, dat shorely would be de millen- nium dat de Good Book tells about, whar de chillen cease from troublin' an' de mothers are at rest, an' dey can't hurry hit up too much fer me. Hit always looked lak to me dat dere warn't enough partnership in de chillen, noway. I don't see why a Ma should be ten times as much a Ma, as a Pa is a Pa. But dat's de way hit wuks. Ike, he never claims our chillen but about two minutes a week. De balance of de time dey's mine. When little Teddy Rooster- felt is dirty, an' bad, an' has broke de neighbor's window, he says: " 'Woman, look whut yo' chile has done did!' but when dat angel chile fetches home de prize from de Sunday school, Ike, he stands on de street corner, an' swells out his chist, an' brags about 'his son.' "Howsomever, dat ain't neder here nor dere. Whut I wants to know is how dat college per- fesser found out dat women is mo' oncivilized dan men, an' dat fathers have a mo' refinin' inflooence on chillen dan mothers has? "Cose, I'se jest a po', ignorant ole woman, Superior Civilization of Man 105 an' I ain't gwine spute wid a learned perfesser in a college, but all de men whut I ever knowed thought dat you raised a baby lak you did a setter pup, an' dat de best thing to do when one got to cryin' was to git so far away, an' so in- terested in a crap game dat dey couldn't hear it caterwaulin'. "Den hit seems lak to me dat I kinder took notice dat hit is men, an' not oncivilized women, dat takes delight in seein' things git hurt. I disremember ever seein 5 women set two dogs to chew each odder up, an' ef any of de mother's clubs ever backed a prize fight, or any sister in good an' regular standin' in de chu'ch ever paid $25 for a seat to see men batter each odder to pieces, I never heard of hit. "Yit when de perlice raided de barn whar dey was havin' whut dey called a glove contest, de nex mawnin' me, an' Sis' Tempy, an' Sis' Hannah, an' all de odder deacons' wives had to hustle around an' pay our husbands out of de calaboose. "An' as fer war — my land, but dey wouldn't be no mo' war ef dere was only women in de world. Cose day'd git mad, an' sass each odder over de back fence, an' maybe dere might be a little hair pullin', but de fust time any lady 106 Mirandy got scratched so de blood come all de balance of de women would throw down deir weapons, an' run an' try to bring her to wid smellin' salts. Den dey's all set down together an' have a good cry, an' say dat dey reckon dey didn't mean all dey said, an' den dey'd kiss an' go home, an' borrow somethin' fer supper jest to show dat dey was neighborly once mo'. "Maybe dat perfesser is right, dat men is mo' civilized dan women, but did you ever see a house dat men live in widout no woman around ? De blackin' brush will be on de mantlepiece, an' de dirty dishes on de table, an' de tea kettle on de bed, an' de clothes will be strewed from one end to de odder, an' de dust will be a mile thick over ev'ything. Yassum, dat's so. When I goes away an' leaves Ike to keep house de only clean thing I finds when I gits home is de towel. "An' hit's de same way 'bout dressin' up. My land, but ef de women was all dead de men would be a gwine roun' in blankets befo' de year was out, an' wid beards so long dat dey would have birds' nests in 'em. "Men don't dress up fer each odder. Dey primps up for women. Befo' a man is married he fixes himself up to try to ketch some gal, an' after he's married he dresses up caze his wife Superior Civilization of Man 107 make him, an' to save a fambly argyment. Yassum, ef I had a dollar fer ev'y time I'se made Ike put on a clean shut when he didn't want to, I specs I could buy out Mr. Rockin- feller an' float away on seas of kerosense. "Yassum, hit shorely am wonderful whut dem perfessers diskivers, an' I wonders how dey does hit, an' how dey happen to find out dat women is mo' oncivilized dan men. To me hit looks lak dat men an' women is much of a muchness — case ef dey warn't dey wouldn't match so well." XIII Other People's Children 44 1 TIT ain't to say dat I is jest edjactly fell A X out wid Cynthy Ann Jones," said Mirandy with a judicial air. "Nawm, dere ain't no words passed betwixt us, an' we'se still friends enough to borry back an' forth, but I'se des sorter cooled off, an' slacked off in visitin' of her. "I ain't a-aspersin' her character, nor a-castin' no alligators at her, an' I hates to say hit, but Cynthy Ann ain't de woman she used to be, an' dere ain't de pleasure in gwine to see her dat I used to sperunce befo' dat miserable little measly chile of hers was bawn. "Yassum, she's a changed woman for sho', for, whereas she used to be de mos' entertainin' pusson dat you could find in a Sabbath day's journey, as Br'er Jenkin says, now she's got to be dat tiresome an' wearyin 5 dat I is sorter kinder passed her by, an' she don't never see me ef I sees her fust. 108 Other People's Children 109 "Still ole friendship is ole friendship, an' for de sake of de time when we was gals togedder, de odder day, I puts on my bonnet an' went over to see her, for I wanted to tell her 'bout my Ma'y Jane havin' caught Si Reeves for a beau, whut's got a home of his own, an' money in de bank. Furdermo' I 'lowed to prognos- ticate 'bout my son Thomas Jefferson Abraham Lincoln bein' 'lected de President of de Black an' Tan Football Club, an' also I laid off to give her a treat by repeatin' to her all de smart things dat my little Teddie Roosterfelt, whut suttinly am a bawn genius ef dere ever was one, is done an' said. "I thought hit would kin' of cheer her up to hear all 'bout my chillun, whut is always doin' an' sayin' interestin' things dat hit would tickle anybody to heah 'bout. But, ef you'll believe me, I never got de chanst to tell one single thing 'bout 'em, for Cynthy Ann spend de whole en- durin' time a remarkin' 'bout dat cymblin' headed, cross eyed, bandy legged brat of hern — as ef anybody in de world wanted to heah 'bout him, or would listen to his ma's account of his smart speeches, ef dey could help deirselves. "Dat's whut makes me say dat I ain't a-takin' up Cynthy Ann's time a-visitin' her, for ef dere no Mirandy is anything dat gits on my nerves, hit is to hear dese women whut's got onery chillen, a-settin' up a-tellin' 'bout how cute deir offspring is, whilst I, dat really could entertain de company by relatin' de smartness of my little Teddy Roosterfelt, has got to set up wid my mouf shut becaze dey don't leave me no time to speechify in. "Hit sholy is curis whut idjits women kin be 'bout deir chillen, an' I thanks de good Lawd dat I ain't lak dem gump mothers dat thinks dat dey is hatched out a lot of swans when ev'ybody else kin see dat de brood ain't nothin' but plain, web-footed geese. "Yassum, I sho'ly kin see my chillen lak dey is, an' ef dey had any faults I would know hit, an' de reason dat I thinks dey is des 'bout puffect is becaze dey is. 'Cose I can't help knowin' dat Ma'y Jane is de best looking an' is got de finest figger, an' is de smartest an' de peartes' gal in de chuch, an' dat Thomas Jefferson Abraham Lincoln is de handsomest an' de smartest young man in de block, an' dat little Teddy Roosterfelt would git de blue ribbon in any baby show ef he got his desserts. "Dem's des plain facts, an' de reason dat I don't never hold back 'bout spostulatin' 'bout ( Ari makes him sing a song dat is got forty 'leven verses to hit." Other People's Children 113 'em is becaze ev'ybody laks to hear 'bout whut sech remarkable chillen does, an' when I spends de evenin' a-tellin' de neighbors 'bout de men whut's dyin' to marry Ma'y Jane, an' whut Teddy Roosterfelt said 'bout de po'k chops, I suttinly does feel shore dat dey has passed an entertainin' time. "An' hit's de same way 'bout dem women whut is always havin' deir chillen come an' sing for you, or say de poetry pieces for you. My Ian! but I wonders whar de fool killer is when Cynthy Ann calls in her little Benjie, dat ain't got no more tune to his voice dan a tomcat, an' makes him sing a song dat is got forty 'leven verses to hit, an' makes you pray for death to relieve your sufFerin's after ev'y one of 'em. "Cose it would be different, an' it would be a treat instid of a season of agony, ef he could sing de cute little things lak my Teddy Rooster- felt does, dat all my company always compli- ments, an' says as how he suttinly has got a wonderful voice for a chile. "Yassum, other folks' chillen suttinly am tiresome, an' de way deir mas lets 'em behave am plum scandalous. When Cynthy Ann brings Benjie wid her when she comes to see me, he des rampages through de house lak a 114 Mirandy red Injun, an 5 he busts de cheers, an' sticks up de furniture wid bread an' molasses, an' he's dat noisy an' troublesome dat nothin' but my pity for his ma, whut has to stand him all de time, keeps me from axin' her to leave him at home de next time she heads my way. "Whut folks dat is got dat kind of chillen takes 'em around wid dem for, gits ahead of me, for when I sees a woman standin' on de front do' step a-ringin' de bell wid one hand an' holdin' a squirmin' chile wid de odder, I knows dat I'se in for trouble, an' dat I'se gwine to spend de nex' hour a-keepin' one eye on de chany vases on de what-not in de parlor, and de odder on de plush album dat hit's a-smearin' up, whilst de ma discourses 'bout de funny way dat Sally or Susie played accordeon wid de preacher's hat, an' mashed hit in so dat hit was as flat as a pumpkin pie. "Yassum, settin' on needles am a restful an' reposeful occupation to watchin' one of dem lit- tle demons wander around yo' house whilst you sets up a-sayin' how sweet an' cute hit is, an' a-thinkin' dat you would give five dollars to lam him over de head one' onbeknownst to his ma. "Cose dat ain't de way folks feel toward my Other People's Children 115 Teddy Roosterfelt, an' dat's why I mos'ly takes him along wid me when I goes a-visitin'. Hit always makes plenty to talk about. He ain't restless lak odder chillen. He's des nervous, an' dat makes him want to move around an' look at de things dey is got, an' he says de funniest things 'bout 'em. Hit would des make vou die laughin' to hear him say: 'Whut a funny vase dis is. Hit's got all de back bus' out of hit, but you can't tell hit, caze hit's set in de corner!' Or maybe he'll ax me why hit was dat dey pinned a tidy over de wornout spot on de sofa, an' he'll ax me ef I w r on't git Miss Al- miry Smith to show him her false teeth caze his pa said dat he 'spicions dat all de teeth an' all de hair she got, she got out of de sto'. "Yassum, I suttinly am glad dat my chillen ain't lak odder folkses' chillen. How dey stands dem miserable, little squallin', meddlin', onery brats suttinly am a mystery to me, an' hits mo' of a wonderment still whut makes 'em think dat anybody wants to hear 'bout 'em. "Ef dey had chillen lak mine, now, dey might talk." XIV Food Values " R'ER JENKINS was at my home last JJ night," observed Mirandy, "an' he was expostulatin' 'bout dat new sect of religioners out in de West, whar' de man say he is Adam, an' de woman say she is Eve, an' dey is tryin' to start a sort of second-hand Eden whar dey 'lows dere wont be no sin, an' ev'body will go about widout no clothes on onless dey maybe mought be sort of dressy, an' wear a fig leaf or so. " 'Humph,' 'spons I, 'I don't think much of dat as a faith, leastways for women. Dere wouldn't be no Eden ef hit didn't have a few bonnits, an' longery shirt waists in hit, for no fe- male lady dat I is acquainted with. Besides even a angel looks better wid a nice floatin' robe on, an' dere ain't nothin' in de spectacle of a bony, scrawny woman, nor a fat, floppy one to elevate de thoughts towards speritual things. No, Br'er Jenkins,' says I, 'clothes is lak de man- tle of charity — dey covers a multitude of sins, an' 236 Creeds 237 you wont never ketch me runnin' off after any new-fangled religion dat does away wid yo' Sun- day go-to-meetin' frock an' hat.' " 'Bless Gord for de faithful !' spons Br'er Jenkins, 'but dese folks aint peeled down to de skin yit, owin' to not findin' enough folks dat is got a strangle hold on sin, an' furdermo' de climate am servigorous in dem parts in de Win- ter. But I hears dey is got a mighty lakely little valley whar dey is gwine back to de simple life of our first pa an' ma bef o' dey got mixed up wid dat serpent business.' "Yassum, dat's so. An' B'rer Jenkins' re- marks remind me of Br'er Isham. Br'er Isham was a moughty peart man, what was a master bricklayer, an' when he move into our neighbor- hood dere was a mighty wrastlin' around to see what chu'ch he would jine, becaze we all felt dat he would be a powerful ornament to de congre- gation, bein' as how he was a pussonable man, wid a plug hat an' a bass voice dat shook de rafters when he open his mouf to sing. "So all de sisters, dey go mighty perlite to call on Br'er Isham, an' invite him to deir chu'ch, an' he thank 'em, an' say he'll be pleased to drop around, but he don't say which faith is his faith, an' befo' we knowed hit de Methodist, an' de 238 Mirandy Baptist, an' de Presbyterian, an' de Unitarian, an' de Piscumpalums sisters was all a claimin' him, an' havin' eyes on his pocketbook. "At last I went to him, an' I says : " 'Br'er Isham,' says I, 'widout wishin' to pry into yo' private affairs, I makes bold to ax you what is de entitlement of de chu'ch dat you be- longs to, for Sis Sally Ann says you is a Metho- dist an' is a countin' on you to contribute to deir strawberry supper, an' Sis Lucindy says you sho'ly will help out wid de missionary fund for de Presbyterians, you bein' one, an' strong in de faith, whilst Sis Malviry is a lookin' for you to open de raffle at de Unitarian bazaar, an' Sis Tempy is got you down for a cake for de Baptist supper, an' de Piscumpalum guild is waitin' for you wid fo'teen pairs of slippers dat dey is ex- pectin' to sell to a gemman who is been brought up in de only religion dat is really styly. Dare- fore,' says I, "hit will be money in yo' pocket to come out, an' say whar you belongs.' " 'Sis Mirandy,' 'spons B'rer Isham, 'dat is de true word you is givin' me, an' I thanks you for hit.' "Wid dat Br'er Isham heave a sigh, an' den he went on. 'To tell you de truf, Sis Mirandy,' he 'spons, 'I hardly knows whar I stands, for I's Creeds 239 a religious man, Sis Mirandy, an 5 I'se sampled mos' all of de chu'ches, an' all of 'em had deir good pints an' deir bad pints. " 'I was raised in de Catholic chu'ch, Sis Mi- randy, an' hit suttinly is a grand ole chu'ch. An' deres somethin' in hit when de organ rolls, an' de candles shine on de altar, an de priest sings de mass dat makes a lump come in yo' throat, an' you feel lak you can almost stretch out yo' hand and tetch de robes of de holy ones ; but, Sis Mirandy, de Catholic chu'ch is too sud- den. Hit's too contemporaneous, so to speak. Hit don't put off de judgment day to de nex' world. Hit brings hit right along now, and whilst I didn't worry none 'bout runnin' up an account wid de Recording Angel, hit shorly did go against de grain to have to pay for my sins on de nail, des as I went along. Mo'over, I'se a hearty man wid a good appetite, an' dere was too many fast days to suit me, so I sorter moved on. " 'Den I jined de Methodist chu'ch, Sis Mi- randy, an' ef I dose say hit myself, I am mighty gifted as a shouter. Dat's a fine chu'ch, too, Sis Mirandy, but wid hit's 'sperience meetin' whar ev'body gits up an' tells about deir sins, hit ain't no place for a nigger whut is a jedge of fat pul- 240 Mirandy lets, an' lives close to a place whar de chickens roost low. De Methodist chu'ch is a mighty good chu'ch for dem whut ain't been led into temptation, or is slick tongued, but hit didn't suit me, so I des sorter drew out, an' jined de Presbyterians. " 'Dat sho'ly is a grand faith, Sis Mirandy, an' I took to predestination an' foreordination lak a duck to water, for hit suttinly is comfortin' to know dat what is to be is gwine to be, whedder hit is or not, an' dat you ain't really responsible for doin' de things dat hit was settled you was bound to do millions of years befo' you was bawn. Somehow, dough I got col' feet in de Presbyterian chu'ch a wonderin' ef, maybe, I'd drawd de wrong ticket, an' got de double cross in life; an' so, as nobody could tell me fur cer- tain, which way I was headed, I hiked out for a chu'ch where de signboards was a little plainer. " c Den I jined de Piscumpalums, but dat is a book chu'ch, an' I didn't know how to read, an' hit kept me so mixed up dat I was always afeared I'd git de wrong blessin', fer lak as not when I'd want to 'zort de Lawd to send me a rain to bring up de potatoes, de only prar dat I could re- member was for dem whut go down to de sea in ships, which didn't seem to have no bearin' on Creeds 241 de case. So I passed up de Piscumpalums, dough I sho'ly would lak to be saved in as good company as dey is. Dey suttinly would do you proud, when Gabriel blows his horn. " 'De next chu'ch I tackled was de Unitarians. Dat's a big, fine, broad chu'ch, Sis Mirandy, but hit is cut too big for me. I lak to feel my re- ligion fit a little closer, an' bind a little at de seams, not enough to really hamper me, you know, but just so I'll know I'se got hit on, so me an' dat chu'ch didn't stick togedder ve'y long, an' den I moved over to de Baptists. " 'Dat's de chu'ch, Sis Mirandy! Dat's hit! Hit's dip an' duck, an' dere you are. Hit's de chu'ch wid de double action plan of salvation, for when you backslides all you got to do is to come agin'. And hit sets mo' store on doctrine dan hit does on wuks, which is mighty com- fortin' to a man lak me whut draps by de way- side occasionally, yit is strong in de faith. ' 'Dat's whar I stands, Sis Mirandy. I'se a deep water Baptist, but I ain't a sayin' no thin' aginst all de odder chu'ches. Dey's all good, but you has to pick out yo' religion lak you does yo' coat — what' 11 suit one won't suit anodder, an' ev'rybody to deir taste.' 1 'Dat's so,' 'spons I, 'an' hit's a good thing we 242 Mirandy don't all hold to de same faith, for ef we did dere wouldn't be nothin' to fight over.' " 'Amen/ says Br'er Isham, 'an' hit's a better thing dere's so many different chu'ches — dey perlices each odder.' " XXIX Being Good 44 1 OOK at me !" exclaimed Mirandy, wrath- l^J fully; "look at me, for hit's de las' chanst you is gwine to have to see de Mirandy dat is a model wife an' mother an' sister an' aunt an' cousin an' pillar of de chu'ch. "Yassum, I done got my fill of doin' my duty by ev'ybody, an' ins ted of gittin' praise an' t'anks for what I done, havin' folks set around an' won- der why I didn't do mo'. I'se got my dose, an' I'se done stopped. I'se quituated, an' ef you sees ole Mirandy a-passin' around de hat any mo' for de preacher, or takin' off her flannel pet- ticoat to wrap up de orphans, you write hit down in yo' little book dat she's done lost her min'. After dis hit's me to grab de best of ev'ything for myself. I'se gwine to be a monster of selfish- ness, an' dem whut don't want to feel lak dey has been run over by a steam roller had better git out of my path. Dat's all. "Yassum, I'se had enough of bein' good, an' 243 244 Mirandy mo' dan enough. Dey ain't no pay in hit. Hit may be true, as Brer Jenkins says in his sermon, dat virtue is hits own reward. De Lawd knows hit ought to be, caze hit don't draw down no other dividend. "Yassum, fo' mo' dan forty years I'se been a walkin' in de straight an' narrow way, a-tryin' to do what was right by my fambly, an' my neighbors, an' de po', an' de sick, an' de unfor- tunate, an' what has I got out of hit? Nothin'. "Yassum, I'se done practiced de Golden Rule ontell I'se wore it to a frazzle. I'se fed de hun- gry, an' nussed de sick, an' shed barrels of tears wid dem dat wept, an' nobody ain't even noticed dat I done hit, let alone fling a few bokays at me for bein' a noble, Christian woman, an' a example to her sex. Yassum, ef you wants to git de reputation of bein' good, an' kind, an' generous, an' sweet, you wants to do about one good act a year, an' raise Cain de balance of de time. "Furdermo', ef youse good all de time folks gits in de way of thinkin' dat you enjoys sacrer- ficing yo'self, an' pickin' de bones after dey has et up all of de meat; an' when dey imposes on you dey feels lak you ought to be grateful to 'em for lettin' you enjoy yo' curis taste. Being Good 245 "Now, dere's my Aunt Hannah, what has got eleven chillen, not countin' de twins, what comes about fo' times a year and squats down on us an' crowds we-all outen our beds, an' into de wood- box, an' under de table to sleep. I sho'ly does have to do 'bout to hustle up enough bread an' meat to feed dat gang for a week; but you think my Aunt Hannah goes 'bout braggin' how hos- pitable I is, an' how proud she is, dat my do' is always on de latch so dat she can come in any time she takes de notion*? "Nawm, dat she don't. She don't pipe 'bout what I does for her, but when her odder niece, Elviry Ann, axes her over to tea, an' has a nickel's worth of lady fingers an' a box of sardines for supper she spends de balance of de time pro- mulgatin' 'bout how kind an' thoughtful Elviry Ann is, an' she don't even remember dem fo' dollars' worth of po'k chops she's done gobbled up fo' me. "An' den dere was Sally Maria, what I nussed through de fever, a-settin' up wid her nights on- tell I was dat wore out dat I was ready to drap in my tracks. You reckon Sally Maria is gwine around de neighborhood a-blowin' any trumpet, an' a-callin' me a ministerin' angel? "Dat she ain't. She ain't got nary a word 246 Mirandy to say 'bout what I done for her, but she fairly dribbles at de mouf wid gratitude when she tells how attentive Elder Sniggins was, who stopped as he was passin' de house an' axed over de fence how Sally was gettin' along. "Yassum, I sho'ly is a good neighbor, ef I does say hit, what hadn't ought to. Dere ain't a woman, 'round 'bout whar I lives, dat I ain't lent my best bonnet to, or accommodated wid a little coffee and sugar when times was hard, or dat I ain't helped git a drunken husband out of de calaboose, or dat I ain't showed how to dress a new-bawn baby, or shroud a dead one. "But is you heard of anybody takin' up a sub- scription to build a monument to ole Mirandy? Nawm, I bet you ain't. I'se one of de women what deir friends remember when dey is in trou- ble, but when dey gives a party dey borry's her best chiny an' rock-chairs, an' den axes her to stay in de kitchen an' help serve de refreshments. "An' hit ain't nowise different wid my family. You know dat when I sent Ma'y Jane off to dat cemetary to git de higher eddication, dat I inched an' pinched an' took in washin' an' wore my ole clothes to git de money; but you think dat gal appreciates what I done for her? Nawm. She thinks dat de reason dat I eats de neck an' de Being Good 247 back of de chicken, an' lets her have de white meat, is becaze I likes dem de best, and dat I wuks 'bout fourteen hours a day becaze I done got de habit an' can't break myself of hit. "Yassum, dat's de way hit goes wid de chillen, an' I ain't never seed one of dese noble, onselfish mothers, dat give up everything for her chillen, dat didn't end deir days in de po'house becaze dere warn't no room for 'em in deir sons and daughters flats. "An' dere's Ike. For thuty years I'se been a good an' faithful wife to Ike, an' I'se wuked my fingers to de bone to help keep de pot a-bilin', an' I'se been neat an' cheerful an' economical; but I ain't never seed Ike rise yet in de meetin' an' give in his testimony when Brer Jenkins axed dem to stand up what had knowed a perfect wife. "Nawm, de only man dat I ever meets dat is always tellin' what a fine wife he has got is Sim Johnsing, what is married to a no-count, triflin' woman dat is too lazy to git up an' git breakfast mo' dan twice a year — but when she does hit, my land, but it tickles Sim so dat he spends de bal- ance of de time miratin' over how industrious an' thoughtful she is. "Yassum, dat's what makes me say what I 248 Mirandy do. Dat ef you wants to git de reputation for bein' good you des wants to do a kind act mighty seldom. Den de occasionalest of hit will kinder attract attention to hit. "Hit don't pay to be meek, an' onselfish, an 5 patient, an' obligin' ev'y day; an' dat's de rea- son Fs gwine to change. "Yessum, dare's goin' to be a b-a-a-d woman 'roun' here, dat's gwine to eat de breast of de chicken, an' take de first drippin's of de coffee pot, an' dat's gwine to wear de best clothes in de fambly, an' take de rollin' pin to her husband an' de broomstick to her chillen an' make 'em stand 'round, an' de forgiven' name of dat woman is gwine to be Mirandy. "You hear me? Fse a-talkin' !" XXX Christmas 44 6 TT TELL, Sis Mirandy, 3 says Sis Araminty V V to me de odder day, tf de merry Chris'- mas-tide is almos' upon us.' " 'Dat's so,' I spons. 'Whenever yer sees a woman wid a wild look in her eye floppin' up an' down de aisles of a departmen' store lak a chicken wid hit's haid cut off, or you notice dat mos' of yo' lady frien's is dat worn out an' narvous dat dey jumps when yer speaks to 'em, an' has de jineral appearance of havin' jes' been through a long spell of sickness, you don't need nobody to tell you dat Chris'mas is comin'. " T)em am signs of Chris'mas dat never fails, for ef dere is any one thing dat's mo' wearin' on de constitution dan anythin' else, hit is tryin' to spread fo' dollars an' seventy-five cents over de Chris'mas presents for forty-'leven people, an' git somethin' for each one of 'em dat'll look lak hit cost forty-seven dollars an' fifty cents. Hit ain't no wonder to me dat hit runs folks batty, 24Q 250 Mirandy an' I bet dat ef we knowed whut de mos' of de folks in de bug-house was do in', we'd find out dat dey was a beatin' deir haids up against de padded walls, an' a sayin', "Whut'll I git dat'll be a sweet remembrance of dis happy Chris'mas for Uncle Simon, an' Aunt Sue, an' Cousin Maria, an' little Willie, an' all my in-laws, whut ain't gwine to lak whut I gits 'em, no matter whut hit is?' J ( " 'Yes, Sis Araminty,' I goes on, 'hit ain't no wonder to me dat reason topples on hit's throne, as Bro Jinkins says, when we starts out to spend de money we can't afford, buyin' Chris'mas pres- ents for dem as don't want 'emJ) I finds myself goin' roun' in circles, a tryin' to decide whedder hit would be mos' appropriate to persent my Aunt Matildy, whut's been bed ridden for de las' ten years wid a misery in her back, wid a safety razor, or a umbrella, ( v as a slight token of how I thought of her at dis blessed season.' " Dat's de true word,' spons Sis Araminty; hit suttinly am curis de way yo' mind wuks at Chris'mas. All de balance of de yeah I can remember de tastes an' needs of my friends, an' my f ambly, but when I starts out to buy a Chris'- mas gift I dest loses my rabbit foot, an' I can't recollect, to save my life, whut a single soul laks. Christmas 251 An' for dat reason I dest pitches in to de bargain counter an' fights wid de odder women over de fust thing I gits my hands on, an' de pusson dat I sends hit to, wid my love, on Chris'mas mawnin' spends de balance of de yeah hatin' me, an' hopin' dat I'll git run over by a automobile, or somethin', befo' nex Chris'mas.' " 'Hit's my opinion,' says I, c dat Chris'mas is de time dat all of yo' enemies takes to git even wid you, an' to do de things dat dey don't dast to do de balance of de year. I tell you, Sis Ara- minty, dat when I sets down an' looks at my Chris'mas gifts I am filled w r id a deep, dark sus- picion. You needn't tell me dat dat cat of a Eudory Johnsing warn't a castin' asparagus on my figger, which is built after de pattern of a fedder bed instid of a telefoam post, w T hen she sent me one of dese heah fancy belts whut I couldn't much mo' dan git aroun' my arm, let alone my waist. " 'An' I'se had my eye on dat flibberty-jibberty Gladys Maude Gwendolyn Jones, whut's always a shinin' 'roun' my ole man Ike, sense she done sent me a Chris'mas gift of a pair of ole lady's shoes de whilst she's got on dem jay-bird heel slippers. Lakwise I'se been wonderin' ef Bro' Jinkins was a promulgatin' anythin' mo' dan de 252 Mirandy compliments of de season, when he sent me on Chris'mas mawnin' a book wid de entitlement of "De Art of Silence, or How to Rule by Gentle- ness," a well knowin' dat I is a lady whut is got de full use of my tongue, an' dat when me an' Ike has any little fambly argyment, I puts my faith in de rollin' pin an' de flatiron. " 'An' furdemo', Sis Araminty, his Chris'mas gift kind of shakes yo' faith in de husband of yo' bosom. For why, I wants to know, does Ike up an' persent me wid a new cook stove an' set of washin' tubs, ef hit warn't a kind of a hint to me dat I warn't a lady love no mo', but dest a performer on dem instruments? I lay dat ef he had a sent me a Chris'mas present of a cookin' stove an' a wash tub as a Chris'mas gift befo' we was married dere wouldn't have been no weddin', an' I would have busted dem over his haid.' " 'I ain't a tryin' to account for de curis pe- culiarities of husbands, which is de mos' ondis- kivered nation of people dere is,' says Sis Araminty, 'but one of de strangest things 'bout 'em is dat befo' you is married to one of 'em he can always remember dest whut you would lak to have for a Chris'mas gift, an' he'll break his neck to git hit for you, an' after you is married to him he never can call to mind anything dat you has "I pins my faith to the rolling pin." Christmas 255 spressified yerself as wantin', an' de onliest way dat you can corkscrew a Chris'mas gift out of him at all is by remindin' him ev'y mawnin' for six months befo'hand dat dey is gwine to celebrate Chris'mas on de 25th of December dis year. " 'By doin' dat, ef you'se got energy enough, you can wuk him up to de pint whar a week befo' Chris'mas he'll throw a dollar in yo' lap, an 5 say for you to go an' git yo'self a Chris'mas present, dat he don't know whut you want, an dat you couldn't hire him to resk his life in one of dem apartment sto'es.' " 'Sis Araminty,' says I, 'I don't know nothin' dat is mo' calkilated to bust up love's young dream dan de way yo' husband acts at Chris'mas time. Why, heah I've been a discousin' to Ike for de las' six months on de subject of dese heah weepin' wilier fedders, which I suttinly does hone after, but you reckon dot man is gwine to have gumption enough to take dat hint dat I knocks him down wid ev'y mawnin' at breakfas', an' surprise me wid one of dem fedders for a Chris'mas gif"? " 'Nawm. Hit's dollars to doughnuts dat he'll come smirkin' in wid a red flannel petticoat or a set of union underwear fo' my Chris'mas gif, an' den be mad becaze I don't throw fits of gratitude, 256 Mirandy an' say how was he to know dat I wanted a weepin' wilier fedder.' " 'An' yet,' says Sis Araminty, 'who would do widout Chris'mas if dey could, no matter ef deir friends did send 'em embroidered whut-you-may- call-'ems dat dey don't know de name of nor whut dey is for?' " 'Maybe so,' I spons, 'for I notices dat ev'y year at Ghris'mas time I swears off agivin' or re- ceivin' Chris'mas presents, an' dat at 'bout dis time I begins to hant de sto'es, an' run aroun' wid de odder women alookin' for I-don't-know-whut to give to I-don't- know- who. But dere's de Lawd's mercy in one thing — dat Chris'mas don't come but once a year.' " THE END LIBRARY OF CONGRESS . 8B8n @£8l£Sfea ■ Hi sffiSKL. HbWHBIB rag 1111