\ U. S. Engraving AVorks, 24 Vl-si'V St. TMP96-006773 Copyrighted by A. J. Fisher, 24 Vesey street, New York, 1879. Awful Girls; or. Big Results. COMEDY FARCE, IN ONE ACT. BY SAUL SERTREW. CHARACTERS. Alexander Podger, A Wealthy Taxidermist Maria Podger, A Modern Wife Angeline Podger, ) .. rri. * r 1 ^- i ». Miranda Podger, f The Awful Girls Captain Archibald Primrose, . . of the Royal Guards Professor Hurricane Puffer, . . of the Darwin School Augustus Spindle, . A wealthy young gent, of the period Cato Snowflake, A Colored Servant COSTUMES. Alexander PoDGER—Short gray wig, brown coat and trowsers. Maria Podger — Powdered wig, and dress of the latest style. Angeline Podger — Blonde wig, and dress of the latest style. Miranda Podger — Red wig, short dress, and striped stockings. Captain Primrose — Blonde wig and mustache, scarlet military coat, and blue trowsers. Augustus Spindle — Blonde wig and mustache, check coat, and blue trowsers. Professor Puffer— Red wig, brown coat, white cravat, gray trowsers. Cato Snowflake — Light blue coat, red vest, striped shirt, high standing collar, and check trowsers. SCENE — A draunng room^ nicely furnished. Large door C. open, showing a library. Door L. id E. Door R. id E. Lounge R. C. D. Mirror L. C. D. Table and three chairs L. id E. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Podger, C. D., making gestures as if at variance. Both come forward. Mrs. Podger — Alexander, I can't bear up with it any longer. I have tried my best. Our daughters Angeline and Miranda have grown up to be women, and it's high time something should be done and settled upon for their future welfare. It's been the height of my ambition to have them well educated, see them move in refined society, show their mother's training, and have them marry to good advantage ; and you look upon it all in a calm, unconcerned manner, and leave everything for me to do. PODGER — Well, my dear Maria, what can I do about it? I have allowed you everything you wanted, spared no expense to educate our daughters and make sensible women of them. You have had your own way, and I have never interfered with any of your plans. You have instilled all the high- fangled notions of a fashionable and refined lady into our daughter Angeline, and how it is that you have not succeeded in the same way with our daughter Miranda I am at a loss to know ; and, furthermore, I can't see what I can do about it. Mrs. Podger— You can do a great deal, Alexander. Share the responsibility. Take our daughter Miranda under youi charge. May be a father's care will make a change in her. Try and secure a proper husband for her, and see that she is married to a good advantage, and I will do likewise with our daughter Angeline. Podger — Mrs. Maria Podger ! Am I to be made a woman tamer at my time of life ? after passing through that ordeal in matrimony called husband, complied with and fulfilled all the duties required of a person in that interesting position, and now to be made a trainer of female discipline — me, Alexander Podger, practical theological bird and animal stuffer, and the •greatest taxidermist in the country ? No, Maria, I respect- fully decline the nomination to that office. Mrs. Podger (vexed)— Alexander Podger, you forget, sir, the duties of a husband ! When we were married you prom- ised to sacrifice everything for me, give up all for my happy- n ss, and now, when I ask your assistance in helping me to bring up your child in the way she should go, you try to sneak o-, t of it. and show a cloven foot. Is there anything manly in that, sir? No father of my children should be guilty of such gross negligence to his marital vows. Podger— I am astonished at you, I don't understand you, and I cannot listen to you any longer, I have matters of too 3 much importance on hand to waste my time here. I should have beeki to my business long before this ; (going off) and as for mixing me up with your household duties and trying to make a woman out of me, I must say, Mrs. Podger, that is something I cannot stand, and what is more., I won't ! Mrs Podger — Very well, sir ; I have but one course to pursue. Podger — Yes, I suppose you will be applying for a divorce or absolute separation. Mrs. Podger — Not in the least, sir ! On the contrary, I shall insist on your taking Miranda under your charge, and hold you responsible for her future conduct and welfare, and that you secure for her a suitable husband, Podger — Very good, madam. We shall see ; we shall see. [Exit both opposite sides. (Voice of Miranda heard outside — Good by, Harry ; au revoir ! Skip the gutter ! Tra la la !) Enter Miranda muffled in furs; busies herself in taking off her things tuhile she ij, talking; throivs the furs on a chair and comes forward. Miranda — I've been out skating on the big pond, and oh, I've had such a jolly good time ; (slides over the carpet as if skating) and I only had one iall, that was just because an- other gal bumped up against me, and we both came down " ker-flop " — ^just like two eggs. Oh, it was such jolly fun ! Augh ! my hands are just as cold as icicles. (Slaps hands to and fro against her shoulder.) I expect ma will give me a terrible scolding. She says it's awful to go out skating ; but I don't see any harm in it ; and ma is getting dreadful cross lately. If I talk she scolds, if I sing she scolds, if I dance she scolds, and if any company comes she either drives me to my room or makes me put on airs and walk like a kangaroo, something after this style, (imitates a ridiculous walk) and I must bow and strut about like a peacock. Now that may be all very nice for some folks, but I like the old-fashioned style the best — I like to walk as I please. If my shoe pinches me I walk lame, if I've got a cold in my head I like to sneeze and if I w^ant to go a skating I like to skate. Yes, if there i: anything I do love, it is "Skating on the Big Pond." (Sing; song of that title.) Air : " Crossins on the Ferry." Chorus. Skating on the big pond, MeiTily we go ; Sailing like a sea gull, Happy as a crow. [Waltzes about, and Exit. Enter Mrs, Podger and her daughter Angeline. Angeline (languidly) — Dreadful fatiguing, ma, to drive out and meet with so many friends of fashionable society. Mrs. Podger — Yes, my daughter, but we must endure those inclemencies ; it never does to give way to our feelings in presence of society, and when we are at home we can re- lieve ourselves of all uncomfortable impercunities and im- practacabilities. Angeline — What a lovely dress and diamonds Miss Dash- ington was adorned with ! Mrs. Podger. — Perfectly exquisite ! The acme of fashion and modern refinement. Angeline — Ma, can I have a glass of water? I am so precipitated with thirst I can scarcely control the inclination of suddenly becoming unconscious. Mrs. Podger — My daughter, your uncontrollable inclina- tion shall be alleviated. (Rings bell. Enter Cato.) Cato, perambulate as speedily as possible and coagitate the Croton valve, and usher in the presence of Miss Angeline a tankard of water for her immediate consumption. (Exit Cato, and returns with goblet of water, and disappears.) We are going to have two gentlemen from London to dine with us, dis- tinguished guests. And now, my daughter, here will be a splendid opportunity for you to display your accomplishments and refined education. Yes, you must do your utmost lo be entertaining — dance, play the piano, and sing to the best of your ability. Let me see, what is your latest and best selec- tion of music ? Angeline — "Coming thro' the Rye," that is the latest song out. (Sings the song, or any other specialty.) Enter Cato. Cato — Beg pardon, ladies, but Mr. Podger and the two gentlemen from London have arrived. Mrs. Podger — Come, my daughter, we must away at once and prepare ourselves to meet these ambassadors of distinction and refinement, or we shall become precipitated in an abyss ofunmitigated disgrace and enveloped in a tornado of your father's vexations. [Exit hurriedly. Cato — Goodness gracious, honey ! De folks here are get- ting so high-toned an' elegant dey don't give themselves a chance to catch their breath. Bless me ! the coagitation of my palpitating heart prevails on me to vacate the aforesaid apartments. Not a moment am to be lost, or dis nigger will become confiscated with disgrace. [Exit. Enter D. C. Captain Primrose and Professor Puffer. Puffer — Now, Archibald, you must put your best foot for- ward and try your utmost to be entertaining and show your splendid accomplishments. Recollect your father has bought you a captain's commission, and has left you solely under my charge, and expects me to show you up and introduce you into society where you can display the tactics of a thorough- bred gentleman. I have letters of introduction to several dis- tinguished persons, and this Mr. Podger is a very particular friend of your father's, whom he knew in London some years ago, and he is a very desirable acquaintance to make. I am told he is very wealthy, and the father of two beautiful and accomplished daughters. So now you will soon have a chance to immortalize yoursell, and no doubt meet with "big results," big results, my boy. Always take my advice, and you will meet with " big results." (Aside — Yes, and if I can only marry this youngster off to a good advantage, I shall also meet with "big results," in the shape of a thousand pounds from his father.) Captain— Well, Professor, how do you think I look? How do -you like my style and this new uniform ? (Struts about awkwardly.) Do you think I will make a favorable impression among the ladies ? You are my tutor, you know, and I have to consult your opinion and advice. Puffer — Splendid, my boy, splendid ; only tiy and drop that awkward style of walking ; it don't become you at all ; too much country about it ; won't take in the city ; try and im])rove on it— someJiing after this style — (imitates a dignified style of walking) ; that's the style, you know, and it always meets with "big results." Captain (imitates him)— Professor, I admire your style, but I am afraid you will have to put me in harness before I can accomplish the perambulation perfect. Puffer— Nonsense, my boy. It's just as easy as taking a sherry cobbler. All you have to do is to fancy that you are the Czar of Russia or Kaiser William, and hold your head up with dignity and pride and march off as if every step you took was worth a thousand dollars, and you will meet with "big results," big results, my boy. Captain— Yes, but I much prefer the old-fashioned way in society, something natural and original ; none of these fixe 1 and stereotyped manners. I like the open-hearted sociability —that's the style for me. But as you say I am under your charge, and my father holds you responsible for my conduct, I suppose I must obey or receive the displeasure of my fatlier. So, Professor, I will endeavor to do the best I can, and if I make any mistakes or blunders you will try and help me out. Puffer— Certainly, my dear boy, no fear of that. Just consult me and follow my advice in everything you do, and you are sure to meet with big results. (Aside— And what is more, it is nighly necessary tliat he should, f.:r if I fail in m^, plans I shall lose the thousand pounds promised by his father. And I must marry him off as quick as possible, and to the best advantage.) Ah, here comes Mr. Podger. Now, Archi- bald, brace up and put your best foot forward. Enter Podger. Podger — Come, gentlemen, be seated, and have a fresh cigar and a glass of wine. I am anxious to have a chat with you and hear about my old friend Primrose. (They all take chairs and sit at table, Podger puts his hat on the table and rings the bell. Cato enters with bottle of wine, glasses, and cigars, places them on the table, and exits.) Podger (pours out wine) — There, gentlemen, is some rare old Madeira of '40. (All drink Podger's health, light cigars and smoke. Podger places his feet upon the table, and lays back in his chair enjoying and puffing on his cigar.) Now, gentlemen, if you will just make yourselves at home, you will greatly oblige me ; there are no pretensions about me ; Pm an old-fashioned fellow, and go in for solid comfort. Captain — You're just my style of a man, exactly Mr. Podger, and I know I shall like you very mucli. You're a perfect "brick." Puffer (aside to Captain — Don't forget yourself, Archibald. Remember you come from an aristocratic family, and you must show your good breeding and refined accomplishments in the style and pomp that belongs to your native country.) Captain (aside — That's all very well. Professor, but I be- lieve in leaving behind you what belongs to another country when you enter a strange one, and try and conform to the habits and customs of the people whose hospitalities are ex- tended to you, if you want to be happy.) Podger (Pours out wine) — Gentlemen, have another glass of wine. (All drink). Captain — By jove, Podger, you are just like your wine; you exhilarate and fill a fellow full ol happiness. Puffer — Well, Podger, my dear friend, 1 am delighced to have made your acquaintance, and I think you are just the splendid fellow that your old friend Primrose represented, and he is the man to judge the qualities of a thoroughbred gentle- man. He spoke very highly of you. By the bye, Podger, I think he told me you were a taxidermist ? Podger — Yes, sir ; that's my profession. I'm a practical theological bird and animal stuffer, or what some people call a taxidermist. Puffer — Yes, that's what your old friend Primrose in- formed me, and said you was the very man who could render me a veiy great service in my brilliant and instructive theory on the great Darwinian question of whether a man was a monkey or an animal of a higher and more intelligent species. Podger (surprised) — Whether a man is a monkey or some- thing else? Well, I must admit that I have lately discovered that there are some people abroad that are not unlike mon- keys in many ways. But, confound it, professor, you don't mean to say that you are a monkey, and I am a monkey, and everybody else is a monkey, do you ? Puffer — Exactly so. The fact is, Podger, I have an idea that promises "big results," big results. I have written a pre- ponderous work on the Darwinian theory, illustrating valu- able and instructive information, and proving the fact that the human being first originated from the monkey, and that a man is nothing more than a monkey of a higher minded and more refined species. Podger — Yes ; but, professor, monkeys have tails, and I'm sure we don't possess the aforesaid equilibrium. Puffer — For the simple reason that when we were babies we were spanked so often that the aforesaid member of the family never had a chance to put in an appearance ; and thereby hangs a tail^ which I intend to unfold, and publish the details, and retail it at the nominal price of twenty-five cents each. PoDGER — Hang it, professor ; if my m ifc was to hear you say that I sprung from a monkey, she would make your head look like a billiard ball, and — here she (jomes. (All rise ; Pod- ger places his hat on the chair beside him.) Enter Mrs. Podger, Angeline and Miranda. PoDGER — Gentlemen, my wife and daughters. (Captain and Puffer bow.) Captain Primrose, my daughter Angeline. Professor Puffer, my daughter Angeline. (Captain, in bowing backs up against the chair and sits on Podger's hat, and apolo- gizes.) Captain Primrose, my daughter Miranda. Professor Puffer, my daughter Miranda. (Miranda, in bowing to the Captain, backs up and treads on Puffer's corn. Puffer winces and hops about holding his foot. Podger takes Mrs. Podger, Captain takes Angeline, and Puffer Miranda. All follow Mr. and Mrs. Podger, and Exit C. D.) Enter Miranda, C. D., shtging. I wouldn't be a nun, I'd rather have my fun, And dance and sing and always happy be ; I wouldn't pine and sigh, I'd do my best to try To make you laugh and fill your hearts with glee. Well, I've been introduced to a real gentleman of eddica- tion and refinement — yes, two of them ; and I've fell in love with the one they calls the Captain. He's got such an honest and good-natured face, I don't think he likes to put on airs, and he wouldn't if it wasn't for the other fellow they call Professor. Now if you could only have heard the high-toned language that was perpetrated by my sister Angy — oh, it was enough to make a cat sick. Well, I suppose it was all right, but I can't swallow it ; it don't go down with me. Now when I'm introduced to anybody, I like to give them a hearty wel- come, a hearty shake of the hand, and say, ' How do you do? I'm glad to see you. How is your grandmother? Do you ever go a skating? ride a horse? shoot a bird on the wing, or sing or dance?" Yes, that's my style, that's the kind of gal I am. (Music plays and she dances a jig ) 10 Enter Captain Primrose, C. D. Stops suddenly and admires Miranda dancing; makes gestures of delight; runs in and dances with her; she screams and runs off L. id E. Captain — There, I've frightened her away, and she's gone ! Now that's the style of a female I admire, and I've fallen in love with her. (Sings.) Of all the lovely maidens She's the one that I prefer — I think that she was born for me And I was born for her ! Well, I've gone through the preliminaries of my first intro- duction, and I must say I have enjoyed myself very much. My guardian Puffer, though, was somewhat vexed at my bash- fulness and awkward maneuvres ; but I expect to get over the affliction very soon and meet with "big results." And now I must be off, find Puffer, and report for further orders. [Exit L. 2d E. Enter Adolphus Spindle, limping. Spindle — Ah, I wonder who that fellow can be ; he is very rude and boisterous (feels of his foot). By Jove ! he has crushed my favorite corn ! I shall not be able to dance for a week. Now, I've come down to spend the evening with Misses Angeline and Miranda ; but of the two I don't know which I love the best. Now there's Angeline, she is a dear, delightful creature, and I could love her so much ! And there's Miranda, she is as jolly and as light-hearted as a sing- ing bird ; but I would like her much better if she wasn't so boisterous. However, her mother says she will get over that weakness after she is married. Ah, I hear the ladies coming this way ; I will go and meet them. (Looks off C. D.) [Exit, -ffw/^r Angeline aw^ Captain ; they promenade. Angeline— What a delightful place Paris must be ; I've heard so much about it. I long to visit it and mingle with its beauties and fashionable extravagance. Captain — Yes, I had a glorious time in Paris, perfectly immense ; in fact, it was hugeous. 11 Angeline (aside) — What horrible language ? Captain (aside) — I can't endure her much longer. She has bored me to death with all kinds of silly questions, and she's a perfect encyclopedia of insipidness. Enter MiRANDA and Spindle. They promenade opposite the other couple. Spindle — This is perfectly delicious, Miranda. It is pre- eminent above all imagination, I assure you. Miranda (aside) — He is the worst specimen of nonsense and gab that I ever listened to, but I must endure him to please ma. (Music plays a galop or waltz. The Captain and Angeline waltz about, followed by Spindle and Miranda. The Captain suddenly stumbles and falls sprawling on the floor. Miranda trips and falls into a chair. Angeline runs to Spindle, and they both waltz off. The Captain jumps up and seizes Miranda, and both waltz about very comical and galop off, knocking Mr. Puffer down as he enters D. C, followed by Mrs. Podger.) Mrs. Podger (aside) — Oh, dear me, this is dreadful ! What shall I do with those awful girls? They will drive me to dis- traction. Their conduct is disgraceful. Such impropriety, such awkwardness, after all my trouble and expense to educate and make something out of them ! It has all amounted to nothing ; they are perfect idiots ! Puffer (aside, and looking off R. C, D. — Confound that stupid fellow ! After all my endeavors to teach him how to conduct himself, it seems he will never improve. He is as stupid and clumsy as an elephant.) I hope you will excuse this awkwardness of the Captain. He is so happy when he is among the ladies. His attention is solely directed to them. Mrs. Podger — I think the Captain is a very nice young man. Puffer (aside) — So do I, when he is asleep ! Mrs. Podger — I am highly pleased with his appearance and deportment. / 12 Puffer (aside) — That is more than I can say for him. I think he is the greatest clown I ever saw, and I'm afraid if I don't marry him off very soon I will lose the thousand pounds promised by his father. Mrs. Podger — Yes, I think he is a very estimable young man, and I have noticed he has become quite attached to my daughter Angelina. How pleasant it is to see two young persons of their distinction and refinement so amicably pleased with each other ! By the bye. Professor, I understand your visit here is connected with a splendid theory you are about to introduce on the Darwin question ? Puffer — Yes, madam. I have written a stupendous worlc on the Darwin question which I am about to present to the public, and I anticipate " flattering i-esults." Mrs. Podger — I hope it will meet with success, and rather than see a work of sound merit become lost I would feel dis- posed to contribute means to facilitate its progress and success. I have spent considerable money in advancing my daughter Angeline in her literary works. And the Captain no doubt would be delighted to hear of your success in your stupendous work ? By the bye, Professor, in the event of the Captain and my daughter Angeline ever making a match, I would feel so happy that I should place at your disposal £500 towards advancing the progress of your wonderful book. (Both going off.) Puffer (elated) — Really, Mrs, Podger, it is very kind of you to take such an interest in the progress of my stupendous work, and I shall appreciate it very much. And as for the Captain and your daughter Angeline, I shall use my best efforts to encourage and secure their union in marriage. Mrs. Podger — In that event, Professor, you will find £500 at your disposal to advance the progress of your stupendous work. (Aside — Yes, my daughter Angeline must and shall marry the Captain.) [Both exit C. D., as Enter unobserved, Angeline. who has overheard the remark. 13 Angeline (mysteriously) — What is that I heard my mother say? I must and shall marry Captain Primrose ! Oh, no, no ! She cannot mean that ! There must be some mistake ! I never could marry Captain Primrose ! I do not love him ! I could not love him ! No ; rather than marry him I would hurl myself from a precipice ! (Excited.) I would plunge into the turbulent waters of the Atlantic Ocean ! (Walks about rapidly, pushes table and chairs.) I would jump from a seven-story window ! Yes, I will run and jump out of a window ! (Rushes toward the door C, and runs info the arms of Spindle, who has just entered door C.) Spindle (amazed) — Why, my darling Angeline, what is the matter? What has excited you and made you look so fright- ened? Angeline (breaking away) — Oh, I'm lost ! I'm ruined ! My dream of love is o'er ! My peace and happiness of this life is destroyed ! I have nothing more to live for, and I want to die ! Spindle — Goodness, gracious ! what is the meaning of all this ? What misfortune or terrible calamity has befallen you ? Tell me, my dear Angeline, what is the matter ? (He trias to comfort her.) Angeline — I have just learned the horrible truth that I am to be married to that monster of a man, Captain Primrose, whom I hate and despise y Spindle (alarmed) — Impossible ! No, no ; I cannot think of it for a moment ! It must not be ! It shall not be ! I love you better than my life, and will not part with you ! Angeline — But I've heard it from my mother's own lips» and her word is law. Nothing can be done to save me. I am now doomed to everlasting torture and nrtisery, and my dream of love is o'er, (Weeps.) Spindle — Oh, my adored Angeline, say not so ! I love thee ! Consent to be mine ! I would be one of the happiest mortals in existence ' 14 ANGELliNfe — But ma would prefer that you racirry wj .{.AQt Miranda, aud for me to marry the Captain. Spindle — But the Captain does not love you as I do, and he is infatuated with your sister Miranda ! Oh, consent to be mine, my dear Angeline ! Come and fly with me, and your life shall be one turmoil of love and joy ! Angeline — No ! My fate is sealed ! Though I love you with all my heart, we must part ! I am lost to you forever ! Spindle (rising) — No ; it must not he ! I cannot live with- out you ! I will go and find this Captain, and beg of him not to consent to this cruel marriage ; and if he will not listen to my pleadings, I shall resort to other means. (Aside — Yes, I will challenge him to mortal combat.) [Exit in haste, D. L. Angeline (in despair) — Oh, what shall I do? I could never marry this Captain ! I could never be happy with him, and if I am forced to marry him, I shall go mad ! mad ! (going oft) mad ! [Exit D. R. Enter Puffer and Podger, D. C. Puffer — My dear friend Podger, I appreciate your kind- ness in taking such an interest in the progress of my great work, and I shall give this matter my due consideration, and consult with the Captain, and if my efforts to encourage the marriage of the Captain with your daughter Miranda meets with success, I shall be only too happy to inform you of the result. Podger (going off with Puffer)— All right, my dear Puffer, and in the event of a marriage between my daughter Miranda and the Captain, five hundred pounds will be at your dis- posal. (Aside — And in the event of a failure, my daughter shall marry the next best catch, Mr. Adolphus Spindle. Yes, I must relieve myself of this matrimonial responsibility. If I fail with the Captain, Miranda must and shall marry Adol- phus Spindle.) [Exit both D. L. Enter, tinobserved, D. C, Miranda. Miranda rvvho overheard the rem_ark) — What is that I IB)' heard my father say? I must and shall marry Adolphus Spindle.' No! no! It cannot be! There must be some mistake ; yet I heard the words from his own lips as he passed the door ! Oh, if such is the case, if it should be true that I am to marry this Adolphus Spindle, a man whom I do not love, or never could, I should be miserable for life ! (In des- pair.) No ! no ! it must not be ! It shall not be ! Rather than marry him I would poison myself ! (Walks up and down rapidly, overturning chairs and table). I would plunge over Niagara Falls ! I would hurl myself from the point of some high cliff to be dashed to pieces on the rocks below ! T would crush my head against a stone wall ! Yes, I will knock my brains out this very instant ! (Rushes toward the door in C, and runs into the " arms of the Captain as he enters.) Captain (amazed) — Why, my dear Miranda, what has frightened you ? What is the matter? (Tries to comfort her.) Miranda (weeping) — Oh, I am most wretched and miser- able ! I am lost, ruined ! I am doomed to live a life of tor- ture and miseiy, and I wish I was dead, dead, bows her head in grief) dead ! Captain (horrified) — Oh, tell me, my dear Miranda, what is the matter? What is the meaning of these terrible words you have just uttered ? Let me know all, and I will save you or perish in the attempt ! Miranda — I have just learned the terrible truth that I am doomed to marry a man I do not love, nor never could ! Yes, I have just learned from the lips of my own father that I must and shall marry — (interrupted by the Captain) Captain (excited) — Who ? Miranda — Adolphus Spindle ! Captain (angry) — Never ! never I I would be shot from a cannon ; I'd brave a thousand Modocs ; I'll throw myself on a railroad track ; I'll do anything to prevent it ! No, he never shall be your husband ! I love and adore you better 16 than life, and I would be most miserable witnoiit 3'ou. Oh, my dear Miranda, say that you will be mine, and we will fly at once to some beautiful isle where naught but birds and flowers abide, and our life shall be one eternal bliss of love, and your sweet smile shall be the sunlight of my heart ! Miranda — Oh, I love you dearly, and with all my heart, but I dare not disobey my father. No, we must part, and never see each other again ! Captain — No, no ; say not so ! I will go and find this Spindle at once. I Avill declare my adoration and love for you, and if he will not listen to my appeal, and persists in this cruel marriage, I shall resort to other means. I will challenge him to mortal combat, and my sword shall relieve you of this terrible barrier that now threatens to make us both miserable for life ! [Exit quickly D. C. Miranda (going off) — Oh, this is terrible ! I am most miserable and wretched ' I wish I was dead, dead, dead ! [Exit D. R. Enter, D, C, Puffer, in high glee. Puffer — Ah, everything goes on swimmingly ; (walks up and down rapidly and rubbing his hands) my star is in the ascendency. I see the name of Pufi"er floating on banners in the sky. I hear the sound of trumpets that are heralding to the world that the long expected coming man has come, and that his name is Puffer. Puffer ! yes ! Everything goes on swimmingly. I am to realize, let me see — what am I to re- alize ? (Pulls out small book and reads.) Ah, here is the bill of items : " For marrying off this idiot of a Captain to good advantage, £i,ooo from his father. For securing the hand of the aforesaid idiot of a Captain to Miss Angeline Podger, £500 from her mother. Ah, there is nothing like a specula- tive turn of mind, especially when it promises " big results." Yes, then I shall advance the utility of my Darwinian theory, and the name of Pufter shall be legion, and heralded over the universe as the coming man to save the country and reform 17 the people. I should be the happiest man alive ! "Ves, I must settle this business at once. Delays are dangerous ; I will go and find a minister and settle this matrimonial affair right away. Tliie Captain shall marry Miss Angeline and de- part on his wedding tour at once. (Going off.) Oh, if I can only find a minister. [Exit in haste D. C. (Spindle's voice heard ouside — Where, oh where is he ?) Enter Spindle, D. C, Jmr-riedly and excited. Spindle — Oh, if I could only find that Captain, the de- stroyer of my peace, the villain who has crossed my love ! (Walks rapidly up and down, making gestures as if punching an imaginary being.) Where can he be ? I'll punch his head. May be he is in here ; (goes to door L. Fll search every nook and corner till I find him. [Exit D. L., as Ente7- Captain, statnping and looking about hurriedly. Captain (D. C.) — Where is the wretch? Where has he gone? I thought I heard the voice of Spindle here ! Oh, if I could only find him, (Strides up and down rapidly.) And if he refuses to hear my pleadings, and insists on marrying my Miranda, I'll punch his head ; I'll challenge him to mortal combat. Oh, I must find him ; I cannot wait any longer ! Perhaps he may be with her now, pouring into her ears his vile love. I will fly to her rescue and drive the monster from her sight ! [Rushes off, as Enter Spindle D. C, and both come together. Spindle push- ing the Captain aside, and looks at hi?n with conte?npt. Captain (angry) — Well, sir, are you aware that I am in no mood for any nonsense ? Spindle (indignant) — Well, sir, are you aware I was about to ask the same question of you, sir? And furthermore, while you are here, I would say that if you persist in your attentions to Miss Podger, when you understand my position and the adoration I have tor her, I shall be under the necessity of pulli'^^ vour nose ! 18 Captain (threatening) — And I shall exchange the compli- ment by spinning you on the point of my sword ! Spindle (sharply) — Very good, sir ; we may as well settle this affair at once, sir. Sword, pistols, or any weapon you choose. Captain (condescending) — I shall only be too happy to accommodate you. (Gets two foils and places them on the table.) There, sir, you may take your choice. (Pulls off his coat and places it on a chair. Spindle does the same, and places his coat on another chair, near the Captain's. Both take a foil and commence fencing about, making thrusts at each other as comical as possible. Captain knocks the foil from Spindle's hand ; Spindle falls on one knee ; Captain makes a thrust as if to finish him) as Enter Miranda, D. R., hurriedly. Miranda (in great alarm) — Fly, fly, Captain ! the minister is waiting, and Puffer is looking all over for you, to marry you to my sister Angeline ! (Suddenly picks up Spindle's £oat, throws it over the Captain, and hurries him off D. L., leaving Spindle dumbfounded.) Spindle (confused)— What does this mean ? Oh, I see k all ; slie said the minister was waiting to marry him to my Angeline ! Oh, this must not be ; I must prevent it at all hazard ! Where is my coat ? (Discovers his coat is gone.) Ah, the Captain has taken my coat in mistake. There's not a moment to be lost ; I must away. (Puts on Captain's coat, runs to the mirror and arranges necktie,) as Enter quickly PuFFER. Puffer (in a great bluster, D. R., looks off D. C.)— Where is he ? Where is that stupid Captain ? (Discovers Spindle, goes to him quickly and takes him by the arm.) Come with me at once, not a moment is to be lost ; you are to marry Miss Awgeline, and the minister is waiting. (Hurries him off D. C.) Spindle (aside) — By Jove, he takes me for the Captain! And I am to marry Angeline ! [Both exit. 10 (Loud knocking is heard outside D, L., as if some one was trying to break in the door. The door suddenly flies open with a crashing noise.) Enter Captain. Captain (rushing in, stamping, and looking wild about) — Where is he ? Where's that Spindle ? Ah, he's gone ; he's fled ! Oh, why was I interrupted in this combat ! and at the very time I was about to annihilate him, and rid this earth of his vile presence ! Perhaps he has fled with Miranda ! Why did she lock me in that room ? No ! She told me that she would be true to me, and that I must see her father. (Enter Podger, D. R.) Ah, her father comes ! I must try and com- pose myself, and then I will speak to him. (Goes to mirror and arranges his toilet. j Podger — Now I hope my wife is satisfied. She has mar- ried off Angeline to the Captain. Yes, she has out-generaled me, and captured the very man that I intended for Miranda to marry. (Discovers the Captain.) Hello ! there's that Spindle, who was to marry my daughter Angeline if the Cap- tain hadn't been in the way. Now I will just have a talk with him, and may be I can make a match with him and Miranda, and if I can arrange it I will settle the business at once and relieve myself of this matrimonial responsibility as quick as possible. (Goes to Captain.) I say, Spindle, my boy, I have been thinking very seriously of your attentions to my daughter Miranda. Captain (surprised) — I beg pardon, Mr. Podger. I — (in- terrupted by Podger) Podger — Now, don't deny it, my boy. Do you think I am blind, and can't see anything? Captain (aside — Well, he certainly is very blind if he takes me for Mr. Spindle.) I beg pardon, Mr. Podger, but you are mistaken in the — (interrupted by Podger) Podger — Mistaken ! Why, my dear boy, what is the use of talking that way ! You know my daughter Miranda thinlcs a great deal of you, and I have no doubt you do of her ! m Captain — ^Yoiir daughter Miranda ! Mr. Podger, 1 must say to you that I love and adore her with all my heart, and would marry her at any moment had I your consent. Podger — Bravo, my boy ! Spoken like a man, and I ad- mire you ; and, to cut a long story short, you have my full consent. The minister has just married my daughter Angeline to the Captain, and if you are willing we can make a double wedding and unite you with my daughter Miranda, and settle the business at once. Captain (amazed) — Your daughter Angeline married to the Captain ! What captain ? Podger — Why, Captain Primrose, of course ! Captain — The deuce you say ! (Aside — I wasn't aware of it before ! Confound it, what does this mean?) I beg par- don, Mr. Podger, but I don't — (interrupted by Podger) Podger — Oh, come now ; you are not going to say you don't want to marry Miranda, when I know you do ! Captain — Miranda ! I will marry her this very moment if you are willing ! But — Podger (aside — I'll seize on the opportunity at once and marry him to Miranda, or he may change his mind.) Come along, my boy. (Takes Captain by the arm and hurries him off.) There's no but's about it ! Everything shall be satis- factorily arranged ! You shall see Miranda at once, pop the question, and the minister shall marry you in a jiffy ! Captain (aside — Confound it ; he takes me for Spindle, and he won't give me a chance to explain.) The fact is, Mr. Podger, I am not — (interrupted by Podger) Podger — Yes, you are ! There's no need of any excuses You look good enough ! So come right along, and no further nonsense ! [Both exit, D. R. Enter Puffer, <.« wild excitement. Puffer — There's something rotten in Denmark ! Yes, I am ruined. There's some foul plot ! The minister has made a blunder and married the wrong couple, and all my hopes 21 are blasted ! Othello's occupation's gone ! My dream of love is o'er ! Oh, where are the bright visions that I pictured to myself? The glory and magnitude of my reputation ! The immortal name of Puffer ! Oh, Puffei", Puffer, you will puff no more ! The boiler has busted, and all yonr fond hopes are a total wreck ! Oh, life is all a blank to me ! (Falls in a chair.) Yes, I will end my existence ! I will poison myself with this bottle of ink ! (Takes bottle of ink from table) as Enter Caftain and Miranda, Spindle and Angeline, Mr. and Mrs. Podger. All form atvtmd Puffer. Captain (goes to Puffer) — Why. what's the matter. Puffer? Puffer — I've swallowed a bottle of ink, that you may dip your pen in my mouth and write to the world my pedigree — the history of a blighted ambition, of an abused genius, who, by circumstances over which he had no control, has become crushed in his stupendousness just at the very moment of success and certainty of "big results !" Captain (sympathizingly) — Never mind Puffer ; it's all right. You shall still live to carry out your stupendous ideas with " big results," and be happy evermore. Puffer (rising) — What's that you say ? I shall still live to carry out my plans and be happy ! Captain — Yes. Though you have been disappointed this time in your attempt to accomplish "big results:" there is just as much chance now as ever of your getting the thousand pounds for marrying me off to a good advantage, providing you still remain friendly to us all ; and don't forget that this is the happiest day or my life, and also of my friend, and, although married in mistake, we neither regret the circumstance or the choice we each have made in a wife of these AWFUL GIRLS. Curtain, 22 INSTRUCTIVE AND INTERESTING. SENT BY MAIL, POST PAID, ON RECEIPT OF PRICb. American Letter- Writer. — Containing plain directions for Letter-Writing, with Model Letters on Business, Love, Courtship, Friendphip, lavitatioa, Introduction, &c. 256 pages. Elegant edition, in cloth, gilt back , Price 50 Cents. One Hundred and Sixteen Oames.— With this book no one need be at a loss for a succession af Evening Entertainments. it furnishes the means t>f making home attractive to your ciicle of ii-ieuds, as well as your own family. No one, young or old, can tail to find enjoyment in these pages. Handsomely bound in cloth, gilt letters Price 50 Cents. Hurang^';^ Terpsicllore.^A Ball Room Guide. Contnin- ing free and easily understood descriptions of all the popular Round and ISquare Dances, of the present day. It supersedes the use of a Dan- cing Master. The terms used in dancing are clearly defined, and the steps, positions and figures, are illustrated by over 100 engravings. Par- ticularly designed for Ladies and Gentlemen without any kuuvvledge of the fust principles of dancing, and for those deterred Irum etl'orfs on the floor by presenting an awkward appearance. This book places the elecant accomplishment of dancing easily and gracefully within the reacli of all. 380 pages. Elegant edition, cloth, with gilt side and back Price 75 Cents. trover's I^etter-writer. — Ability to Write Letters to the Object of our Atlections without degenerating into flattery or silliness, is possessed by but few well educated people. To furnish Models of Love Letters, creditable to the writer and complimentary to the recipient, is the object of this volume. Styles of Letters are inc]"ded for every stage from First Acquaintance to Proposal. Handsomely bound in cloth, gilt Price 50 C jnts. AmtTican Joe MilSer.— The Best Collection of Jokes and Witticisms ever published. Containing nearly 350 Selections of the most humorous character. A perusal of this wonderful byok will insure perfect security against the Blues, Vigorous Digestion and Un- interrupted Peals of Laughter. No accomplishment renders a Gentle- man so welcome in Society as ability to entertain an Evening Party with the relation of really humorous anecdotes. 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Priee S5 Cents. 23 riie JLittle Flirt. — Contains the Secrets of Handkerchief, Glove, and Paraeol Flirtations ; the correct interpretation of all Signals, superior to the deaf and dumb alphabet, as the notice of bystanders is not attracted ; the most delicate hints can be given without danger ot misunderstanding— also, the Floral language of Love. The whole form- ing a rare amusement for young ladies and gentlemen. Read what two leading New York Papers say of it: The N. Y. Evening 3Iail writes— " A Little Book has lately appeared in print at Mr. A. J. Fisher's, 98 Nas- sau street, called the " Little Flirt." We cannot say that we recommend it to our young lady and gentlemen readers, as we think it would only encourage the bad habit of ' ' flirting." Unfortunately, there is enough o^it done withoutatiy further necessity of explaining "■ ?i02v, when and where to do if,'" and this little volume would advise and initiate the un- corrupted in practicing what is commonly called "■flirting.'''' The N. Y. Evening Telegram writes : "We have lately seen a neat littlii!' book, bound in Morocco leather, costing twenty-five cents, called the "Little Flirt," published by A. J. Fisher, No, 98 Nassau Street. \%. gives information of the modus operandi of flirting, and of the mean- ing of eveiy motion of the handkerchief, fan, glove and parasol. Av there is nothing at all objectionable in the volume, and its content* might afford some innocent amusement to many, we do not hesitate iQ recommend it to our young lady and gentlemen readers." Elegantly bound in cloth, gilt Price 25 Cents. LiOver's Telegraph.— Containing Additional Signals for use in Flirtations not contained in thxs.s. 1. Jenny HuKlies' Dolly Varden. 2. Squeeze Me, Joe. 3. Johnny Wild's Dat Settles Dat. 4. Jennie Engle's Grand Parade. 5. Sheridan & Mack's Character. 6. Harrigan & Hart's Mulcahy Twins. 7. Johnny Roach's Greatest. 8. Kiss Behind the Door. 9. Delehanty & Hengler's Songs, &c. 10. Miles Morris' Irish Gems. 11. Foy Sisters Songster. li. McKee & Rogers' Rebecca Jane. 13. Jennie Engle s Serio Comic. 14. The Fielding's Songster. 15. Wayne & Lovely's Acrobatic. 16. Johnny Roach's Emerald. 17. I want to go Home to Mama. 18. Luke Schoolcraft's Shine on. 19. Billy Cotton's Old Black Joe. 'iO. Delehantv & Hengler's Love, &c. 21. Billie & Maggie Ray's Old Log Cabin. 22. McAndrew's Water Melon Man. 23. Johnny Roach's Its Funny when you Feel, &c. 24. Harrigan & Hart's Mulligan Guards. 25. Walters and Morton's My Gal. 26. Billy Carter's Great Banjo Solo. 27. Johnson & Power's Little Moke. 28. Jennie Engle's Favorite Sougs. 29. Shoot the Hat. 30. Freeman Sisters' On Board the Mary Jane. 31. Jennie Hughes' I Should Like To. 32. Woman's Temperance. 33. Gus Williams' Belle of the Ball. 34. The Fiehlings' Tipperary Couple. 35. Harrigan & Hart's Tom Collins. 36. Wild & Bradley's Big Fat Nance. 37. Larry Tooley's Bouncing Dutchman. 38. Harrigan & Hart's Regular Army. 39. Ain't you Awful. 40. Harrigan & Hart's Patrick's Day Parade. 41. Arnold Brothers' Jig, Song andDauce. 42. Diamond & Ryan's Irish Hod Carriers. 43. Harrigan & Hart's Mulligan Grds (2d An. Prde) 44. Sandford & Wilson's Musical Mokes. 45. Harrigan & Hart's Skidmore Guards. 46. Billy Conrtwright'sFlewy,Flewv,FlewySngstr 47. Harper & Stansiil's One Legged Songster. 48. Fielding's Irish Domestics Songster. 49. Tony Pastor's Traveling Songster. 50. Jeniiy Moigan's Kiss Songster. 51. Fov isisters Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. 52. Wild & Bradley Theatre Comique. 53. Alice Harrison's Olympic. 54. Billy Carter's Champion Banjo. 55. Cool Bnrgefs' Nicodemus Johnson. 56. Alice Bennett's Laughing Eyes. 57. Richmond Sister's Challenge Song and Dance. 53. Harrigsm & Hart's Day we Celebrate. 59. Dr. J. L. Thayer's Laugh and Grow Fat, &c. 60. Sheridan & Mack's Knocking on de Outside, &c. 61. Harrigan & Hart's Gallant 69th. 62. T. M. Hengler's Fun in the Kitchen. 63. Delehanty & Cummings' Sunset in the South. 64. Rollin Howard's Dramatic. 65. C. L Davis' Dutch Song and Dance. 66. Jolmson & Bruno's Mania Monia Nigs. 67. Sam Devere's Caricature Song. 68. Mvles Morris' Roger O'Mallev. 69. Harrigan & Hart's Blue and Gray. 70. Harper & Stansiil's Sweet June Rose. 71. Ada Richmond's Wait Till Moonlight Falls, &c. 72. Pat Roonev's O'Reilly You're N. G. 73. La Verd Sisters Sailing on the Lake. 74. Ella Wesner's King of Trumps. 75 T. M. Hengler's Sweet Aleen. 76. Harrigan & Hart's Hildebrand Montrose. 77. Jolly Nash's Our Boys. 78. Tierney & Croniu's Ashantee Recruits. 79. Big Four, Lester, Allen. Smith & Waldron. 80. Tlie Murray's Drops of Blarney. 81. Western & Walling's Just as "You See us Now. 82 Am. Team, Wayne, Lovely, Cotton & Birdue. 83. Jakey Wooltingstein. 84. Larry Tooley's Turn Down Your Collar. 85. Bennett & Kernell's Across the Raging Waters. 86. Foster & Dudley's Irish Clog. Song and Dance. 87. The Brabam's Vocal Character Sketch. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS J 016 103 941 A # 101. H. Osborne's & F. Wentworth's Lad & Lass, &c. 102. Johnson & Bruno's Just from Tennessee. 103. Scanlon & Crouin's Irishmen to the Front. 104. Fov Siste>s' Branigau Band. 105. Harrigan & Hart's S. O. T. 106. Niles & Evans' Two Love Letters. 107. Arnold Brothers' Triple Clog, Song and Dance. 108. Kirk & Drew's Mischievous Offspring. 109. Sam Devere's A Lean Banana. 110. Harry Braham's Silly Bill and Father. 111. Scanlan & Cronin's Poor, buta Gentleman Still. 112. Harrigau & Han's Slavery Days. 113. Dick Sands' Irish Character 114. Bryant & Williams' Slender Nigs. 115. Lizzie Braham's Sweet Bye and Bye. 116. Delehanty & Hengler's Re-united Serenaders. 117 Murray's Old and Young. 118. Frank Lewis' Motto Songster. 119. Harrigan & Hart's Gliding Down the Stream. 120. Harrigan & Hart, Walking for dat Cake. 121. Jeppe and Fanny Delano's Love at First Sight. 122. Clara Moore's Character and Descriptive. 123. Will Morton's Behind the Scenes. 124. Kelly & Rvan's Bards of Tara. 125. Bran New Big Four. 126. Cool Burgess Don't Get Weary. 127. Scanlan & Cronin, Dundreary "O'Donnell. 12^. James D Roomes' Fasliionable Beats 129. Ly.lia Thompson's On the Strict Q. T. 130. The Peasleys' O'Rielleys' Raffle. 131. Girard Brothers' Dancing in the Sunlight. 132. Harrigan & Hart's Sunday Night when, &c. 133. Chas. Konollm.-in's New York Variety. 134. Sheehan & Jones' Man of Education. 135. Chas Diamond's Milanese Minstrels. 136. The Murdoch's Don't You Do It. 137. Will. H. Trimble's S|.ecialty. 138. The Beimett's Kitchen Domestic. 139. F. Lewis's Remember you have Children, &c. 140. Larry Tooley's Muttoji Pie. 141. Harry Woodson's Gwine Back to Dixie. 142. Harrigan & Hart's Front Stoop. 143. The McKee's Dancing in the Barn. 144. Worden & Mack's Little Ruby 145. Ben Dndge's Don't lake any Notice. 146. Collyer & Kelly's Buck Goat. 147. Delehantv & Hengler's Strawberries and Cream. 148. Fields & Hoey Musical Songster. 149. Whoa Emma' 150. Harry Montague's At it Asain. 151. Harrv Bennett's Charley Flvnn. 152. Tim Rj^er's Ain't he a'Baby. 153. Harrigan & Hart's Isle de Blackwell. 154 Bobby Newcomb's Sweet Forget uie Not. 155. H. Osborne & F. Wentworth's Irish Comedian. 156. Duncan Sisters' Down in the Meadows. 157. Andy and Annie Hugjies Happy Irish Couple. 158. Roliert McKay's Since der Band was Broken up. 169. Will H Morton's America's Comique. 160. J. K Emmet's Lullaby. 161. Pat Roonev's Day I Played Base Ball 162. Seaiiion & SommeVs' Hip. Lit. Chil. from the So. 163. Queen & West's Popular Songster. 164. Bennett's Combination. 165 Pat Roonev's Day I Walked O'Leary. 166. Barlow Brothers' Cabin Floor 167. Harrigan & Hart's Such an Education, Ac. 168. Delehanty & Hengler's Laugh and Be Merry. 169. Jennie Hughes' Cash, Cash Songster. 170. Goss & Fox Jubilee Songster. 171. Flora Moore's Just Over Songster. 172. Foley & Sheffer's Big Pound Cake Songster A. J. FISHER, PUBLISHER, 24 VESEY STREET, N. Y.