LIBRARY OF CONGRESS D00135flS0D3 , Class F\'&n BookJ2Ll±ill FOURTH EDITION. A. D. 1862, OR HOW THEY ACT IN BALTIMORE, BY A VOLUNTEER ZOUAVE "Gentle Woman, ever mild.'' J AS. S. WATERS, BALTIMORE. Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1862; By James S. Waters, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of Maryland. >v:)\ IN 1863 Can sage resolve, if sages now are found, And if none live, consult those under ground — Whose large experience of the female mind, The springs that move it, and the keys that wind, May make them grave authority to say — Wise Solomon, or Monsieur Miehelet — What "Coigne of vantage" lies in woman's breast, What zig-zag nook is there, for Treason's nest? A pleasant castle doth it choose indeed. And "air most delicate," wherein to breed! Or speak thou, Brigham, from thy saline lake, What madness reigns, what demon is awake? If things continue at the rate they go, The cocks must lay, for all the hens do crow. No wonder 'tis the dragon lifts his head? On dainties sweet, and blandishments he's fed ! What does it mean, where womanhood is taste, The good and beautiful is left to waste? With minds unsex'd they wildly rage of late, And make it fashionable now, to hate. By all the flocks of little flutt'ring Loves Round Venus' car, and by her perfumed doves. We do protest against it, and declare The fashion ill becomes the young and fair. Doubtless some French philosopher has said — If so, the scamp deserves a broken head — "If firm, their reason stands, or if it swerves, The affair, at last, is only one of nerves." Such Frenchman was not only rude, but, wrong; He here would find opinions rather strong Among the fair, and once, the gentler sex, Whom the wild winds of controversy vex ; Often too strong to heed what others say; Not unlike clergymen with people lay. Ye females plain — and ye in fat who waddle Decamp, secede, at once, with all your twaddle ! Lay on the shelf the needle, wax and button, The "pegs"* of politicians straightway put on! As far as inexperienced guess may tell. Ye would become the bifold garment well ! We fain would greet you as our fellow men, Could your good nature once come back again ; You oft improve, by earnestness and fire, A hackneyed subject ready to expire. Hear those two matrons now for life and death, Not in opinion diff'ring, but in breath: How fly their tongues! how fast the spanking pace! This talks the loudest, that will win the race ; One breathless stops, while one the prize doth carry — Which of the twain would you prefer to marry ? Be careful dames, lest angry passions wake Like cats in bag that wicked urchins shake. *It will not be necessary to explain the meaning of "pegs" to the readers of Punch, who has given a classical signification both to pork-pies and peg-tops. The peg-top pantaloon, or trowsers, is of Gallic origin, and was borrowed, i. e. the style, by the English, from their allies during the Crimean war ; which, whatever effect it may have had upon the condition of other nations, certainly by tlie introduction of these, enlarged the liberty of one-half the male pop- ulation of Great Britain. It is the easiest garment known since the days of the Picts. The fiict of its being the abbreviation of a very common English expression, is no reason why the awkwardness of a foot note should be dispensed with; as many of England's expres- sions have of late become difficult to understand in America. There is also another reason ; pegged boots are very commonly worn by our politicians and Congressmen from the North and West. Admitted 'tis by all, the female mind Of right can shift and vary like the wind. Tasteless and tame were life without variety ; But what's become of Angelina's piety? No rain could stop her once, or storm dissuade, she'd hear the Doctor if he preached or prayed; If custom lead her to the house of God, The prayer book now seems obsolete and odd: The established ritual she doth reverse. And prayers for blessings turn into a curse. And so, the young and charming EUinore — Of late become a most terrific bore, — Cites law and Vattel to admiring Helen, And has a plan for wiping out McClellan. A sacred relic on her breast she wears To cheer her hopes, and to allay her fears; A button that — superstition's reach ! Had mounted bastion, and been worn in breach By a Confed'rate officer, who cut It from his tail of coat, and after, put With his own hand where now you see it shine — Oh, would that officer's gay lot were mine ! Bright Phoebe talks much as the swallow flies, Skims o'er the surface — darts her quick replies ; And though unlearned, she pertly stops your mouth With apt quotations from the Evening South. Sweet maid, of thee, what language shall I speak ? These lines too rugged, and these words too weak ! Most have some share of charms — thou, every one That walked in Eden when the world begun ! Soft eye, small foot, and figure slim and tall, Cheek — like the peach that grows on garden wall. That head, if I were Raphael, I would paint Surrounded with a glory, like a Saint ; And pray her sit again, that I might get Two ostrich wings in rear of her corsette. That heart, which overflows with all it feels, Would skin the President, as cooks skin eels I Ye Gods ! In maiden bi-east what can inspire So strange a wish and panther-like desire ? I can but think so fierce a thought in Mary, Was sentimental, more than culinary ; Though Russell, with an asterisk, and dash — Does state, a Norfolk dame desired a hash Of part of Lincoln's person made — the part He leaves in doubt —could it have been the heart 'I Lavinia twists her coral lips awry, At every red breech'd soldier passing by. Kate's glance at officers is so severe. Her meaning they mistake, at times, I fear. Fanny tucks up her dress — so feeling rankles, And shows contempt, and, very pretty ankles. Bull Run was far too mild for Mary Ann, Who ne'er before had hatred shewn to man. J^]melia dear, can hardly sleep o'nights, Because, poor child, she wants her Southern rights. Clorinda, who last winter scraped the lint, Still pines to see her lover's leg in splint ; While Lucy longs to view her worser half, With "Hony SoU" writ just above his calf. Reverberina says — we'll let that pass— An echo she — her husband is an ass. Miss Betty Jones, still of romantic age. If strongly pressed, would slip off as a page, Bet hates this Union vile — yes, hates it well, The reason ask — and Betty cannot tell — This little petrel hears the wind with glee. And hopes that thousands may be lost at sea. We know that Susan always loved to dream Of piping shepherds by a pearling stream. Of knights and ladies, dancing in the shade- She's lost her senses now, and clean gone mad — Id silent patience mopes, and liopes to see The world reform'd by gallant chivalry, 'Twere hard to guess what things about them lodge! But this I have in confidence from D ge, Who says, a fashionable dame may pack With ease, a pedlar's cargo on her back, And all the vigilance he can intrude, By some ingenious method they elude. "Unless the cabinet shall find some law "To stop them as they sail — give him the droit.^' Before "de visite" left his lips, I said. Stop neutrals? "Neutrals, they!" — he shook his head. "Could I the power obtain t' expunge their sex, "The way were plain which now doth much perplex : "More plots, sir, plans, and strange devices lurk "Within a piece of mantua-maker's work, "Than all the jungles, or the rocks can hide "Of venom'd rattlers on a mountain side. "Such are the advantages of crinoline, "That little Mag's a perfect Jia^azine; "For some Confed, sets her percussion cap, "And carries fulminates about her lap." A modiste says, (this, too, in confidence,) For the exposure might give some oS'ence, That many a graceful form and rounded part, (She's the Prasitilcs of plastic art,) is order'd still, of fine gun cotton wad, Though so consumed last spring, it can't be had ; The article when trimm'd, and worn in pleat, Fills out the figure and the dress looks "siveet." How slowly Time on Sunday flaps the wing ! Then come — an evening visit's just the thing — With coat well brushed, and person I'ather spruced, The offer wc accept — are introduced 8 To where Arachne, and her sisters dwell, And sire so liberal, that none can tell Which side the contest his opinions dwell. — So monumental Washington in stone Might see below two curs dispute a bone — Wer't not a spot that he calls "Idlewaste," Might too sequestered be, to suit his taste ; Far off in Tennesseean vale it lies Where dues fall heavy 'neath secession skies — A slight confusion flutters as we bow, The Sunday work cannot be cover'd now. As Arabella's fighting fingers weave, A sigh, more soft than wool of lamb, doth heave ; Her cheeks alternate with the colors spread. Now white and pale, and now, Confed'rate red : In rapid progress, lo ! the texture grows ! Rounds first the major, then the minor toes; Pleasant the evening passed — no party shocks — With charming girls, and party color'd socks : 'Twas touching too, to see their tender pains. Like Love and Pshyche twine around chilblains ! Dear me ! To see them busy bending o'er The photographic table, in a store, What care they heroes, from the pile select. How laugh at zeroes, whom they don't expect! Though that Junonian beauty Jeff may wear, On Delias' breast — he has no business there. Oh ! that infernal French name, Beauregard, Has done more mischief — for 'tis very hard — So hard — almost impossible, you know. To struggle 'gainst the influence of a beau ! A heau ideal, whose name implies a gaze ; Unfailing mode to charm, and please, and praise. See what "plots, treasons, stratagems and spoil," Lurk in that name, that liquid flows as oil. If e're we catch him, be it soon or late, May Congress, seize him, bind him, and translate ; And then release him with his name "Goodlooks," The charm dissolv'd, like Smith, or Jones, or Brooks. What means that savage and that wild harangue, That nasal snarl, and that Penobscot twang ? "What brings that burst of wolfish fury forth ? A northern woman, railing at the North ! So the chained hound beholds the broad moon's light. And howls the louder as it grows more bright. Go where you will to visit, pray, or shop, Secesh is handled but not known to drop. Stout Mrs. K. takes stockings, double six, Her politics and shopping, sure to mix. Ere the brisk lad can shew the unusual "twelves," Hold ! they are stopt in transit from the shelves — She never can be suited in her hose Until young Bobbin's real views she knows. Restrain the fancy, that, in youth too free, Will skip and play as kittens climb a tree ; If overdone, 'tis worse, like o'erdone rouge Than common sense, or natural gambouge ; Beware lest the imagination rise Too far from earth, and mount too near the skies ! To see triumphant Davis as he comes Mid grateful people, with a beat of drums, In barouche seated, with his head all bare, Bowing to handkerchiefs that fan the air ; While proudly prance six horses in a team, Their tails in ribbons, and their color cream, (And hired of Stewart, who drives them in a hearse,) Expenses settled by the city purse. While virgins virtuous, in satin white, With rosy wreathes, sing pasans of delight ; 10 And dance through mud upon fantastic toe. From Eutaw House unto the bridge below ; And Christ Church bells a merry peal shall ring, — Gono is the Union, like the snow in spring ! That's not JeflF. Davis* — you mistake the man. We doubt if ere he broke a ladies fan. He has no taste for pomp and vain display. And show, and pageantry, is not his way. Should he victorious come he'd like to know The banks' condition, get the mayor to go, Secessionist from principle, along To settle matters and avoid the throng; fProvide the prominent perhaps with rope. Engage some barbers, razors, lather, soap, To operate at once on Union pates, An argument well known in Southern States, Where the division of a hair is made The politicians, as the barber's trade, And heads that reason can't convince — they shave, And precious time from long palaver save. (A different custom in the West prevails, Here they split hairs, and there they split up rails.) *It may be well to say to those who have neyer seen this remark- able personage, whose fate it seems to be, to be hung (in photo- graph) in the house of almost every family in our City, claiming to be genteel; that Mr. D's personal appearance, would not be consid- ered by writers of romance as suited to inspire a felling of loyalty, such as is frequently manifested to him. His figure is spare ; appa- rently the result of dyspepsia — with a want of adipose tissue in the cheeks. His manner however is pleasant; his voice unctious, and almost evangelical. We are not able to state positively in what form he uses tobacco. fSee a Baltimore paper of last April. Although an argument is considered good which will work both ways, we cannot but condemn this one, as radically bad ; and hope it will not be permitted to work practically at all. 11 Most like he'd dine in private and in haste — Nor Potts thy infants kiss, or pickles taste. A speech post prandial might with force impress, Both girls and men, in different mode, not less. The peroration speak his strong desire For our good and goods, and having these retire. E'en our opinions, which leave not the beat Of laziest policeman on the street, Offend; Yentosa comes — of yore to me As kind, almost, as clematis to bee. Down street, like Argosy, she holds her way. From Pocomoke or Sinepuxent bay, Our presence seen, she veers on other tack. Fills all her sails and then goes spooming back. The same th' effect on Mrs. — call her — Cox, But she inspects the entrails of an ox. Stays in the stall o'er liver, tripe and bone, Emerging only when she thinks, we're gone. Thus friendships, deem'd immortal ones of old. Now lie unwept, unthought of, dead and cold. Unglove that hand, and give a parting shake; If we are wrong, then pardon our mistake. Dost doubt that fire will burn, or ice is cold, (But this comparison is somewhat old^) No more we doubt our country and her strength. Than doubt Scott's truth, or Mr. Lincoln's — length. Are confident secession soon shall sing Quite small beneath the eagle's spreading wing. But Clara deai* — ah — why that change of face? Trade will be free enough to let in lace. Tis time to pause — in doubt as we begun. And end in sadness what was said in fun. Tis dreary, tiresome and unfeminine ; Unlike our ladies as they used to shine; 12 But more than this — ah! may, they never find They've sown the storm, their brothers reaped the wind! Grant it, kind Heaven, no bloodstain'd banner waves O'er their lost friends, or, gory lovers' graves! The gallant grace, that ever charmed the eye, May rest on earth a mangled mass to die ; Or, toss'd, a groaaing heap, to form a part Of jolted wounded crowded in a cart, Which from the death field rumbles on its way — Sinks the red sun, and then begins — decay. Or change the scene to the long narrow hall. While the dim candle flickers on the wall ; And the stained bandage, upon every bed. Tells the same tale — the dying and the dead ! Perhaps in yon damp brow is found a trace, The lineaments of a familiar face ; As the last smile lights up a glazing eye. To see bright worlds in shadows passing by, Oh God ! the late too painful thought then spare, "Had I not said it, he had ne'er been there." What lighter, stronger thing than woman's word ! E'en spoke in jest it may unsheathe a sword. Unto the generous, the brave, the young, A whisper's louder than a trumpet's tongue. Ordain'd each ruder passion to assuage, Be woman careful how she kindle rage! When honor, or her country's cause require, Avenging angel be she, to inspire; Or, bright in arms, like Orleans maid, on horse Charge through the field, and spurn th' invaders' corsel But would she have this civil discord cease? Let her soft eyes rain pity — be her oflBce peace.