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W. R. GUIBERSON, Town Critic 
 
Idle Talk 
 
 THE TOWN CRITIC 
 
 Bein& Selections from the Humorous 
 
 and Sentimental Writings of 
 
 W. R. Guiberson, in the 
 
 Tulsa Daily World 
 
 ■-■-■-* J VWJVW , i 
 
 ■.«■■■«■■»■■■■ 
 

 
 COPYRIGHT 1916 
 
 BY 
 W. R. GUIBERSON 
 
 JAN -5 1917 
 
 ©CI.A45-515 6 
 
m m i ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ n m m ■■■■■■ 
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 There's nothing half so pleasing like 
 When after you have done your best, 
 To have the boss come up to you, 
 And with a smile of gratitude, 
 Express himself most earnestly, 
 In telling you he likes the way 
 You've done the things assigned to you. 
 It seems that better service comes 
 From out a feeling such as this ; 
 And if the bosses over town 
 Would only cheer the worthy ones 
 And give no space to idlers 
 They'd find an extra effort there 
 Deserving of the word of cheer. 
 
 TALK [7] 
 
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■ nan »«■■■■«■<■■■ m m m m m i 
 
 You know there's lots in being 
 Kind ; being good natured and 
 Ready to find some kind of cheer 
 In everything; always happy and 
 Ready to sing ; meeting your friends 
 With a cordial smile ; living a life 
 That's really worth while; never 
 Grumbling or finding fault; never 
 Compelled to call a halt to flighty 
 Desires or influence ; but giving way 
 To common sense, letting it guide 
 Your daily deeds, filling your wants 
 Supplying your needs. Give it a trial 
 I'm sure you'll find a great deal of 
 Of pleasure in just being kind. 
 
 [8] IDLE 
 
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Where is the lady of long ago 
 
 We used to know when we were boys ; 
 
 Where is the smile so kind and sweet 
 
 She gave to us that bid us go 
 
 About our work with cheer and grace; 
 
 Where is the sound of gentle voice 
 
 And touch of hand upon our cheek? 
 
 Now can it be that it has passed 
 
 And with the progress of the world, 
 
 New thoughts and ideas have come 
 
 To quench the flame of cherished dreams ; 
 
 And in the hurry of the times, 
 
 The gentle words and pleasant smiles 
 
 Are superseded by the reign 
 
 Of vague conventionalities ? 
 
 TALK [9] 
 
 HP is! m ■ r m n ■ ■ ■ ■ 
 
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A friend of mine was going out 
 The other night to 'tend a 
 Ball, or party, dance, or what it 
 Was, and friend had called 
 In taxicab, and waited in the 
 Parlor there and wondered if she 
 Had forgot, for hour was nearly 
 Ten o'clock ; and then it was he 
 Asked the maid to tell the lady 
 Hour was late. The maid replied, 
 "The lady, sir, misplaced her 
 Gown and can not find, and that 
 Is why she is detained." But as 
 She spoke the lady called from 
 Head of stairs, "I have it Kate. 
 I found it 'neath my handkerchief." 
 
 [10] IDLE 
 
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 A smile is worth while if it 
 Comes from the heart and is 
 Crowned with a little of cheer ; 
 But a make-me believe can never 
 Deceive and often results in a 
 Sneer. A smile may be glad or 
 A smile may be sad or a smile 
 May be. dimmed with a tear; 
 However the smile, it is surely 
 Worth while if its crowned 
 With a little of cheer. A human who 
 Sees in nothing to please and 
 No kindly word will avail ; is 
 A dingy old sog, not as good as 
 My dog, who smiles with a wag 
 Of the tail. 
 
 [ii] 
 
 vv.v.v.w. 
 

 I knew a man whose life was filled 
 With every trouble that there was 
 And nothing of his future claims 
 Did offer hopes of brighter ends. 
 But through it all he did maintain 
 A balance of unwavering nerve, 
 And on the street, with cheerful eye, 
 Unto his friends did prompt reply, 
 "Fm feeling fine," and with a smile 
 Did greet them as they passed. 
 This cheer was not a mocking pride, 
 And he his troubles overcame; 
 And fortune took his radiant smile 
 And mingled with his eagerness, 
 And wove into his future life 
 The thread of joy and happiness. 
 
 [12] IDLE 
 
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 Did you ever notice people 
 
 As they walk along the street, 
 
 How they seemed to be so taken 
 
 With the things upon display 
 
 Behind the plate-glass windows, 
 
 As they seem to scrutinize 
 
 Every article before them 
 
 In a most admiring way ? 
 
 And the boss behind the counter 
 
 Smiles and seems to feel so good, 
 
 That his window is the very best 
 
 Within the neighborhood. 
 
 But if he'd look real closely, 
 
 Oh, how his heart would hurt, 
 
 For it isn't the things in window so much 
 
 As the hang of the coat or skirt. 
 
 ,K [13] 
 
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 Is there a man who can't recall 
 His schoolboy days down on the farm ; 
 Who wouldn't give his all to live 
 The same old happy days again ; 
 Who doesn't tingle when he thinks 
 Of wooded fields and swimming holes ; 
 Who has forgotten barefoot days 
 Of bruised heels and bleeding toes ; 
 Who doesn't recollect the times 
 His mother whipped him for the things 
 He did, she told him not to do ? 
 If such there is, I say to him, 
 You've missed the greatest age in life 
 And what a blessing it would be 
 If you could stop in your career 
 And doff the worries and the care 
 And in your thoughts call back again 
 Your boyhood days and revel there. 
 
 [14] IDLE 
 
I ■■■■■!■ M 
 
 I very often meet the man 
 
 Who's always groveling in the dumps 
 
 And never sees a bit o' cheer 
 
 In anything of life at all ; 
 
 Who, when we pass the time o* day 
 
 "Oh, everything seems going wrong 
 
 And life is hardly worth it all." 
 
 I know in every life there comes 
 
 A dreary hour to dark the sun, 
 
 But always sometime 'fore the night 
 
 With cheering rays the sun shines bright. 
 
 So stand erect above the cloud, 
 
 Dispel the thought that all is dark, 
 
 And lift the curtain of despair 
 
 And 'mit a little sunshine there. 
 
 And life will seem a different thing, 
 
 Well worth the trouble that it brings. 
 
 It matters not how dark the sphere, 
 
 A smile will find the brightness there. 
 
 LK [15] 
 
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 To you, the idle fathers of little 
 Sons, who are too busy to give 
 Them talk or listen to their 
 Little tales of sorrow or woe 
 Or happiness ; who never let them 
 Go with you and see the things 
 That they should see when only 
 You were guiding them ; who make 
 Them feel that you are bored 
 When little questions come to 
 You a thousand more or less ; who 
 Never get right down to them and 
 Get acquainted as it were. I want 
 To say it isnt right. Your sons 
 Need you to counsel with ; they 
 Need your confidence and more, 
 To feel that you were not alone 
 Their dad, but really and truly 
 A friend. 
 
 [16] IDLE 
 
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 Along about this time o' year 
 When spring is hoverin' nigh ; 
 Feller gits to f eelin' queer, 
 Sort o' restless ; 'n by and by 
 Somethin' kind o' pulls him on, 
 And first dern thing he knows, 
 He gits out his old fishin' kit 
 And up the stream he goes. 
 There ain't no use to throw it off, 
 There's somethin' in the air 
 That sets him itchin' f er a fish 
 Along this time o' year. 
 He ain't good f er nothin' else, 
 Until he's fished it out — 
 Just a dreamin' of a stream 
 That's filled with bass er trout. 
 I ain't talkin' on hearsay, 
 Fer I feel it comin' on ; 
 And when it does, I want to say 
 There ain't no use, I'm gone. 
 
 [17] 
 
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 I ordered a plumber the other day 
 And he came in, looked it over and 
 Got out his rule and took some 
 Measurements and went away and 
 After a while he came again and 
 Brought his tools and a lot of pipe 
 And fittings and things to use and 
 It wouldn't fit and he measured 
 Again and went away and cut his 
 Pipe and then came back and started 
 To put his junk in place and found 
 He hadn't an ell or a tee he should 
 Have had and went away, came again 
 And forgot his wrench and then it 
 Was my patience failed and I said 
 Things I can not write and he did 
 Too. He finished the job and I 
 Was glad. Instead of an hour I paid 
 Him for four. Do you blame me much 
 For being sore? 
 
 [18] IDLE 
 
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 How many times I've seen the man 
 
 Who never answers to the hour; 
 
 And how I've waited for him there 
 
 Until my patience overrun, 
 
 Brought forth expressions I regret. 
 
 And to him now who says to me, 
 
 "I'll meet you there at half past three," 
 
 And when the hour at last arrives, 
 
 And I am there to keep my word 
 
 But he is not, and what is more 
 
 He doesn't care or have a thought 
 
 Of me or mine, or of the time 
 
 I've spent for him and him alone ; 
 
 I wish to say to such as he — 
 
 That in the world of business men, 
 
 You are the worst, and to me, sir, 
 
 The most disgusting of them all ; 
 
 And 'less you change this awful fault 
 
 You'll never reach the goal you've sought 
 
 For after all he merits most 
 
 Who meets the hour whate'er the cost. 
 
 TALK 
 
 
 [19] 
 
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 There ain't no use f er to 
 Fume and fret, because of the 
 Things you didn't get; fer 
 Fumin' and frettin' won't do any- 
 Good, it only adds to your 
 Dingy mood. And it gits you 
 Feelin' 'sour and blue' 'till you 
 Git to a stage whatever you 
 Do seems wrong, and there is 
 Nothin' right, and you git in 
 The dumps and all seems night, 
 As fur as any hope's concerned, 
 And you swear an oath, that the 
 World be derned ; that there ain't 
 No justice as fur as you've 
 Learned. But it ain't nobody's 
 Fault but yourn, and if you'll 
 Brace and make a turn and try 
 To find the brighter side, you'll 
 Be a deal more satisfied. So 
 Cast the grouch and wear a smile 
 And things will prosper after while. 
 
 [20] IDLE 
 
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 Two men there were. One went about 
 In most dejected lethargy 
 Nor saw the brightness in the life — 
 But only dark and dismal thoughts 
 Did fill his mind of future things 
 And when he spoke of what he had 
 His voice was filled with bitterness. 
 And for the failures that he made 
 He blamed the world, and with a curse 
 Declared that no man could succeed 
 If people would persist in thoughts 
 That he was just a common man 
 Instead of one superior; 
 And while he thus condemned it all 
 The other worked with what he had, 
 Contented with his present course, 
 And with a challenge bid the world 
 A friendly combat for success. 
 And just the same as he had lived, 
 The one went down to meet his fate. 
 The other grew and in the end 
 Success did crown his eagerness. 
 
 [21] 
 
 JVUVU'UVJVUW'Ui 
 
IIIIIIIB1III1 w m M ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ 
 
 There was a man as poor as dirt 
 And many days he went about 
 With hardly half enough to eat, 
 He had no winter clothes to wear. 
 His shoes were worn, his feet were bare. 
 One day when he was nearly down, 
 He met a man who gave him food 
 And money, too, to buy some clothes, 
 And gave him work to earn his bread. 
 The months passed on, this man did gain, 
 And fortune favored every turn 
 Until at last he grew to be 
 A man of wealth. And as he gained, 
 Through sad reverses undeserved 
 This kind old friend who gave him food 
 Became as poor as once he was. 
 And when one day in desperate mood 
 He went to him and asked for food 
 The rich man now, turned with a sneer 
 And said, "What are you doing here ?" 
 Now which of these the better man, — 
 The kind and sympathetic soul, 
 Or he, the cold, the heartless, rude, 
 Devoid of all, e'en gratitude? 
 
 [22] IDLE 
 
 ■■■■■■-■■■■%■■■■■■■■%■.%%■»■■■■■."■% 
 
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 If I could say the things I want 
 
 About the man who sits and 
 
 Talks of the things he's done and could 
 
 Have done, the printer wouldn't 
 
 Print them here and I 
 
 Would be without a job. 
 
 So I will tone myself to say 
 
 The things I can and let it go. 
 
 And if the man who thinks that 
 
 All the world depends on him; 
 
 That if he only had the 
 
 Chance he'd clean the land 
 
 Of vice and wrong; that people 
 
 Must admit that he is smarter 
 
 Far than all the rest, should 
 
 Read these lines let it suffice 
 
 To simply say that he who 
 
 Thus is so imbued with self 
 
 Importance as to think that no 
 
 Event how great or small was 
 
 Not at first his own, is as 
 
 The bubble from the soap that swells 
 
 And swells and then it 
 
 Bursts and naught is left 
 
 But just a drop. 
 
 [23] 
 
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 He limped upon the city's 
 Streets and every step a 
 Shot of pain did penetrate 
 The very depths of feeling 
 That he had. But not a 
 Thought of him there was 
 And with his pain he plod 
 Along, nor did he think of 
 Any rest the future had for 
 Him. His body showed the 
 Lack of food, his unkempt 
 Sides the lack of care, and 
 On the seat behind him there 
 His master sat with whip in 
 Hand and as he lingered in 
 His pace, beat down upon his 
 Aching sides and cursed him 
 As with increased pain he 
 Strove to do his will. 
 Oh, man ! How brutal are thy 
 Ways. How merciless thy hands 
 I would that you might be 
 The horse and this poor 
 Limping creature for the 
 Moment be the man. 
 
 [24] IDLE 
 
 M MB MB B ■ ■ HHII 
 

 
 If I might have the things I 
 Wish 'twould not be gold nor 
 Land ; 'twould be a simple 
 Mountain home where nature's 
 Mighty hand doth paint each 
 Day a different scene to 
 Soothe the restless one. The 
 Trees, the rocks, the snow-capped 
 Peaks, from which the waters run 
 To meet the sparkling brooks 
 Below and ever as they flow, the 
 Ferns and flowers in sweet 
 Content doth nod and smile and 
 Grow. Indeed a home for godly 
 Things, for He doth seem so near ; 
 And in the heart a sacred thought 
 And reverential fear. So give me 
 Home in mighty hills where 
 Silence broods and spells ; where 
 Moaning sounds of singing pines 
 Subdues and soothes and quells. 
 Where all of nature seems so 
 Glad and gladsome nature all, 
 There in midst of mighty woods 
 I'll answer beck and call. 
 
 [25] 
 
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 Today a New Year's ushered in, 
 And if each day it falls my lot, 
 To be of service unto him 
 Who in his sorrow needs a friend, 
 I shall have felt no more or less 
 Than just a simple duty done; 
 And in the doing feel the good 
 That comes from kindness understood. 
 I shall feel good if I am strong 
 To cast aside that which is wrong, 
 And if I may from day to day 
 Speak kindly all the words I say, 
 And smile on him who needs a smile, 
 And laugh if it may help to cheer, 
 And prize the friendship I have won, 
 I shall feel good for what I've done. 
 I shall feel good if all my acts 
 Will bear the scrutiny of facts ; 
 If I may hold the friendship, love 
 Of those who toil with me the day; 
 And feel no conscience-stricken thought 
 At end of week, I take my pay; 
 If half my thoughts of others are, 
 Not all of self and my own care ; 
 I shall feel good if I may do 
 That which pleases you and you. 
 
 [26] IDLE 
 
■■w-v-vv%-.v.v.v.v«v 
 
 A young man came into my shop 
 And as he sat and talked to 
 Me I saw him pull from out 
 His case a cigaret and light 
 It there and after just a few 
 Long puffs did deftly cast 
 It down. And many times he did 
 The same and as he told me of 
 His wares I counted eight or 
 Nine and saw the stains upon 
 His hands, and noticed in his 
 Attitude the lack of keenness 
 There. And all his efforts to 
 Convince bore not the weight 
 Of argument. And as he rose to 
 Leave me there, I said to him 
 "Young man beware, for what I 
 Tell you now is true — keen 
 Competition is the force 
 Against which man must strive 
 And striving he must have the 
 Strength and clearness to 
 Perceive, but cigarets are 
 Not the source from which 
 These things are come." He 
 Listened with attentive ear 
 And opened up his silver case 
 And when I finished, smiling, said, 
 "Have a cigaret?" 
 
 [27] 
 
■ ■■■■■■■■■ iSlll ■■■■■■■ 
 
 The other day I stood on fields 
 
 Where nearly sixty years before 
 
 Our soldiers fought and bled and died. 
 
 And as the story of the fight 
 
 Was told to me by one who fought, 
 
 In fancy I could see them there 
 
 And hear the roar of shot and shell ; 
 
 But no, the soldiers — cold gray stones, 
 
 The sound — the silence and the spell. 
 
 And tho' 'twas nearly three score years 
 
 Since what he told me he had done, 
 
 He seemed to live it all again 
 
 And as he named them one by one 
 
 And told how each fought hand to hand, 
 
 From Chickamauga battle field 
 
 To Missionary Ridge, and stand 
 
 Beneath the hottest fire of all — 
 
 My blood did tingle in my veins, 
 
 Inspired by him whose faltering tongue 
 
 Was thrilled with memories of the past. 
 * * * # * * 
 
 A hundred guns stand in their place 
 Just as they stood so long ago; 
 Like sentinels they stand and guard 
 The heroes of the friend and foe. 
 For side by side they lie in death 
 Countless heroes of the day, 
 The same to him who wore the blue, 
 The same to him who wore the gray. 
 
 [28] IDLE 
 
 ■VUVL l VUVUVUVVV l JVU l L 1 U i J ll U l U 
 ■ '■■(■■■■■n iiiiiniiiiiii 
 
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 You know I've racked my brain of late 
 To figure out just punishment 
 For him who sits beside you there 
 In movie show, and squirms and twists 
 Throughout it all; who stabs you with 
 His elbow, then, brings up his foot 
 To cross his legs, and as he does 
 Knocks from your lap your brand new hat 
 And, as it falls upon the floor 
 The usher kicks it down the aisle; 
 Then presently he changes feet 
 And as he does he wipes the mud 
 From off his shoes upon your pants 
 And steps upon your sorest corn ; 
 Or spreads his knees in front of him 
 Until you've scarcely room to sit. 
 Well all of this you stand with grace 
 Until he starts to leave the place, 
 When with a swoop swings on his coat 
 And musses up your hair, and more, 
 Knocks your glasses on the floor. 
 'Tis then you tell him what you think. 
 He looks at you with maddened stare 
 As if you had no business there, 
 And answers, "If a gentleman 
 With dignity can't see this show 
 Without insults, I'd like to know." 
 Will some kind reader tell to me 
 What hope there is for such as he ? 
 
 TALK [29] 
 
 ■ ■■■■■■■«■■■■■■ mm 'm m mm 
 
 "■■. ■■■■■■■■■■■«■«■■■■! 
 
Just night before last I happened 
 To meet a couple of boys on a 
 Darkened street. And they were of 
 Ages, perhaps nine and ten ; and as 
 I drew nearer I noticed then that 
 They were indeed both manly boys, 
 No doubt of good home with real 
 Homely joys. But each in his lips 
 His features to mar, held firmly 
 A long and lighted cigar ; and 
 The smoke rose in volumes as 
 Each puffed away, oblivious no 
 Doubt to the world and its way. 
 Now listen, my boys, for I want 
 To tell of a bright little fellow 
 Whom I knew so well, who would 
 Steal out at night, just the same 
 As you two, and would smoke his 
 Cigar and often would chew, for it 
 Follows the other when it once 
 Gets a start, and it all came 
 About 'cause he thought it was 
 Smart. Well, this little boy never 
 Grew to be much, always dull in 
 His studies, played hooky and such. 
 And when through the years to 
 Manhood he grew, he was stunted in 
 Growth and intellect, too. 
 So be careful, my boys, for you 
 Want to grow to be men among 
 Men whom the world loves to 
 Know. 
 
 [30] IDLE 
 
■ m m m I 
 
 It happened down at the "Daily- 
 Breeze." 'Twas a banquet rich 
 And rare, and they served the 
 Boys just what they chose, 
 For expenses they didn't care. 
 The editor ordered up scrambled 
 Brains, the manager a plate of 
 Nerve, while the man at the 
 Desk who handles the shears 
 Said "Anything you can serve." 
 And then came the man who 
 Handles the cash, with a manner 
 You all well know. "Just give me 
 A platter of solid gold and on 
 It a little 'dough'." And then 
 Came the girl who sits at the 
 'Desk and sends in society's 
 Stick : "Just give me some toast 
 With some boiled-down salve and 
 Spread it on good and thick." 
 And then the man who handles 
 The ads spoke up and he made a 
 Hit. "Just give me something 
 That nobody 'wants' and I will 
 Dispose of it." And then the 
 Reportorial staff, with heels 
 Worn down to the sole. "Just give 
 Us a dish of something new, for 
 We can't bear anything old." 
 And on down the line the banquet 
 Was served till the devil came 
 In with a cry, as he stumbled, 
 Fell, he was heard to say "Hell ! 
 My order got mixed with the pie." 
 
 TALK [31] 
 
 riW.W.W.VAVrtWiVJW 
 
■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ mm £■!■■«■■■. ■■■{■■■i 
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 The other day I wanted a hat, and 
 Hadn't bet on the election and had 
 To buy it, and went into a clothing 
 Store and met a man who's paid by 
 The week to make you feel you own 
 The store whenever you come to buy 
 A tie or a collar or a pair of 
 Socks, he bowed and smiled, says 
 "What'll you have?" I told him I 
 Wanted to look at a hat, and he 
 Took me around where the hats were 
 Piled and I tried one that I 
 Didn't like and he said to me it's 
 Just what you want and I said 
 That it wasn't ; that it didn't fit, 
 But he told me it did, and any way if 
 'Twas any smaller it wouldn't do ; 
 'Twas all the style to wear 
 Them large, so large, in fact, they 
 Come down to your ears, and this hat 
 Did and so I bought it and went 
 Away and when I got home my wife 
 Just laughed and told me the hat was 
 Much too large, but I surmised 
 She didn't know the latest style; 
 And wore it too church and friends 
 All laughed and Monday I took it 
 Back to the store and wanted to trade 
 It for one that fit, but they said 
 No, because I'd worn it, and I asked 
 Them what a hat was for, if they 
 Thought I bought it to carry 
 Around. And I had to keep it. And 
 After this when I buy a hat or a 
 Tie or shoes or anything, I'll go 
 To another store I know and if the 
 Fellow lets me buy the things I 
 Want and doesnt' try to sell me 
 Things I do not want, I'll tell my 
 Friends about that store and try 
 [32] To get them patronage. IDLE 
 
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 I I I I' I I I 1 I I I 1 |:| I I | 1 | | I | | 
 
■ ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■ ■■.■..■■J WJ*J* m 
 
 Last Sunday morn at early hour, 
 
 I walked upon the city streets 
 
 And saw a friend, a genial man, 
 
 And he was running here and there 
 
 And picking something from the streets 
 
 And putting them in Sunday hat. 
 
 And when I asked him what it was, 
 
 He looked at me disgustedly 
 
 And answered "Apples, can't you see ?" 
 
 I said to him, "Why don't you buy 
 
 Your apples at the grocery store ?" 
 
 He said, "I did and other things, 
 
 A half-a-hundred, more or less," 
 
 And then I saw the "other things," 
 
 Some coffee strewn about the ground ; 
 
 A bag of eggs, and in its fall 
 
 The eggs had changed identity, 
 
 Some sugar and a loaf of bread ; 
 
 And as he stood and looked at them, 
 
 I asked him how it came about. 
 
 He told me he had started 'cross, 
 
 When a jitney bus at lightning speed 
 
 Did honk its horn, and when he jumped 
 
 He slipped and fell — "You know the rest; 
 
 And after this when wife forgets 
 
 To order groceries Saturday, 
 
 I'll go uptown to restaurant. 
 
 And now when I can find the man, 
 
 The driver of the jitney bus, 
 
 I'll drag him firmly from his seat 
 
 Into some blind alley near, 
 
 And when I finish — ambulance 
 
 Will carry him to hospital ; 
 
 And when I tell policeman there 
 
 The reason I did beat him up, 
 
 He'll let me go, I know he will." 
 
 TALK [33] 
 
» » *■■■■■ MJIHl 
 
 ■ *■■■■'■■■■■■» : 
 
 I went into a barber shop, 
 
 Pulled off my collar, coat and vest, 
 
 And asked the barber for a shave ; 
 
 I thought I knew my own desires, 
 
 And what I wanted was a shave. 
 
 But ere the barber finished me, 
 
 I had a shave, a haircut, too, 
 
 A shampoo and a face massage, 
 
 And while this all was going on 
 
 The negro blacked my brand new shoes, 
 
 And they were patent leather, too ; 
 
 And when I 'rose to dress myself, 
 
 The bootblack brushed and brushed my clothes, 
 
 And when I reached for a cigar, 
 
 He struck a match and lighted it ; 
 
 And took my hat and rubbed it down, 
 
 And helped me on with overcoat ; 
 
 And stood and bowed and grinned and stepped, 
 
 And then I gave to him a dime, 
 
 And he seemed pleased and then went back 
 
 And when I went up and paid my bill — 
 
 Instead of a shave 'twas dollar 'n half 
 
 And I went out and thought to myself, 
 
 "If I ever go into a barber shop 
 
 And call for a shave, get nothing more, 
 
 I'd want to have that barber's name, 
 
 And have it framed in letters gold, 
 
 And tell my friends about him, too ; 
 
 And once in a while I'd let him shave 
 
 And cut my hair and wash my head, 
 
 Massage my face and give me a bath, 
 
 Or anything he wanted to do — 
 
 And tip him a dollar when he got through." 
 
 [34] IDLE 
 
 .V.V-V.V.VAW^MV.W.V 
 

 The other day I called to see 
 A friend of mine who works 
 For a firm which occupies the 
 Third floor most, of one of our 
 Largest buildings here. At the 
 End of the hall I met a boy 
 Who said to me, "What is your 
 Name and what do you want and 
 Whom do you wish to see ?" And 
 As he spoke he gave me a pad 
 And I wrote it down and he 
 Went out and then came back 
 And said to me, "You'll have to 
 Wait." I did, and as I did, I 
 Heard the orders this boy 
 Got and none of them were 
 Very kind and some of them 
 Did growl at him ; but not a 
 Word did this boy say but did 
 Whatever he was told. And 
 Then I left and saw my friend. 
 As I retired I met the boy, 
 At the elevator shaft was he, 
 And as the negro passed him up 
 He yelled at him in accents 
 Loud, "Why don't you watch your 
 Bell, you crazy chump." And thus 
 It was he had his sway. Who knows 
 But when the elevator boy 
 Retired, he went home and cursed 
 His dog. 
 
 LK [35] 
 
 ■■■■■■■■v.v-v-v-w.v-v.v-v-1 
 
I m m m M ■ '■ ■_»_■«_■■■■ ■■■■■ Ji 
 ■■■«■■»«■■■■■■■ mm 
 
 Since the barbers have all raised the 
 Price of a shave, Fve thought of the 
 Nickels and dimes I might save, and 
 Purchased a safety with blades, strop 
 And all, that shaves one as smooth as 
 A slick billiard ball, without e'en a scratch 
 Or a pull or a miss — it was 
 Guaranteed to do all of this. I 
 Followed instructions and read all 
 The dope, used boiling hot water 
 And the right kind of soap. I 
 Lathered and rubbed in, to soften the 
 Hair, and then started in with 
 This safety affair. It may be that 
 Some rule I failed to obey; that I 
 Didnt hold right, or pulled the 
 Wrong way. It seemed that each 
 Move of this shaving device did 
 Pull out a whisker or clip off a 
 Slice. I tugged and I pulled 
 And I labored and swore if I ever 
 Lived through it, I'd do it no more. 
 And when I had finished, I cleaned 
 Up the junk and put it away deep 
 Down in my trunk, and gave up the 
 Thought of the nickels I'd save, 
 Went back to my barber and 
 Asked for a shave. 
 
 [36] IDLE 
 
■ ■ ■ ■ ■■■«■■■«■■■< ■ 
 
 ■ MB ■ ■■■■■■■■■K 
 
 I reached my home the other night 
 
 And found upon the table there 
 
 An invitation to appear 
 
 Some few nights hence to play the game 
 
 Of Auction Bridge, and truly sir 
 
 I love the game and promptly as 
 
 Per proper dope I R-S-B- 
 
 B-D'd that at the proper hour 
 
 I'd answer call and be prepared 
 
 To shuffle pasteboards in due form. 
 
 I went, and to my great surprise 
 
 I found some women played the game 
 
 As well as I, and others who 
 
 Knew not the value of the cards. 
 
 The game commenced and as we played 
 
 A lady sat behind my chair 
 
 And picked the cards from out my hands 
 
 And criticized my partner's plays 
 
 Until I really didn't know 
 
 A single thing about the game. 
 
 And after this when I am called 
 
 To play the game of Auction Bridge 
 
 I'll take the place of one of those 
 
 Who sit behind the player's chair 
 
 And if I whisper e'en a word 
 
 About the cards he should have played 
 
 I hope that he will rise and kick 
 
 Me sprawling from the lady's house. 
 
 LK [37] 
 
 '/■■■■v.%v-v«v.v.vv-v-v-v-| 
 
i m m m 
 
 My Mother, thy memory 
 Sweet doth dwell within the 
 Sacred precincts of my heart. 
 In fancy, again I see thy smile 
 And hear thy gentle voice — a 
 Smile and voice such as only a 
 Mother's love can give. In my 
 Dreams I walk with thee through 
 The blooming days of my 
 Childhood and realize that thy 
 Guardianship did mold for me a 
 Character ; that thy words of 
 Comfort and wisdom were a 
 Shining light upon life's highway. 
 In sickness or in joy thou wert 
 Ever with me. My comfort even 
 Unto thine own discomfort was 
 Ever uppermost. And today as I 
 Look back upon thy life of 
 Sacrifice, sacrifice I did not 
 Then know, I shudder with shame 
 And wonder if God will forgive. 
 Ah, what would I not give if 
 Time could only turn backward 
 In its flight and make me a 
 Child again. Knowing what I 
 
 [38] IDLE 
 
■ ■ ■ ■ ■ mm m 
 
 _■ ■ ■ ■ 
 
 rt 
 
 Now know ; recalling the trials 
 And tribulations that came to 
 That noble mother, I would 
 Ask no greater privilege than 
 This, to show my deep appreciation 
 Of her motherly devotion and to 
 Form my actions so that never 
 For one brief space of time would 
 They betray that appreciation. 
 Young men and women, to you, who 
 Still are blessed with noble 
 Mothers, let me ask, do you realize 
 All that you owe to them ? Your 
 Lives, your names, your characters 
 Bear the imprint of their life's 
 Blood as it trickled out during 
 Hours of labor and pain that you 
 Might come to be ; guiding your 
 Footsteps along life's pathway 
 Until at last you grew to be men 
 And women. Still they watch over 
 You and nightly pray that you 
 Will so live as to be an honor to 
 The name of mother. Be kind, 
 Be gentle ; no sacrifice should be too 
 Great to do them honor. 
 
 [39] 
 ...■..■■I 
 
With turkeys at thirty cents a 
 Pound and cranberries soarin' 
 High; and pumpkins almost out o' 
 Sight — no other kind o' pie 
 Would fill the bill on such a 
 Day — it's lookin' mighty short for 
 The feller who hasn't much to 
 Spend, thou f eelin' that he ort. 
 It's kind o' been a custom with 
 Him and me and they, to have a 
 Turkey dinner on each Thanksgivin' 
 Day; our folks all counted on it, 
 Mince pies and pumpkin too ; cranberry 
 Sauce and peach preserves and maybe 
 Just a few little trimmin's 
 Mother made to set it off jest right, 
 But things haint like they used ter 
 Be, gone clean out o' sight. Don't 
 Seem like Thanksgivin' Day without 
 It yet I guess folks orter be real 
 Thankful with what they have and 
 Jest get along the best they can — 
 There's some that's worse than they, 
 Who never knowed jest what it was 
 To have Thanksgivin' Day. 
 
 [40] IDLE 
 
■ ■ ■ ■ mm ■■*■■■! 
 
 ■ ■ ■ ■ ■■■■■■ 
 
 Gettin' kind o' lazy, feel it comin' 
 On ; can't tell when '11 git me 'er 
 Jest when I'll be gone ; but when 
 The spirit moves me, I ain't got long 
 To stay, fer I'll jest pack my fishin' 
 Kit an' — an' slip away. Ain't no power 
 Can hold me when that fishin' bug 
 Comes 'round, there ain't no use 
 To argy fer I tell you I'm jest 
 Bound to git out on the river, don't 
 Care how hot the day' er whether fish 
 Are bitin', I'm goin' to have my way. 
 Sure is heaps o' comfort for a feller 
 Who likes to fish, and to him who 
 Thinks it's foolish, I want to say, 
 "Jest hesh, you don't know what you're 
 Talkin' 'bout, ain't ketched no fish, 
 And more, never will, don't know how, 
 Jest naturally feelin' sore." And so 
 I'm gettin' lazy, feel it comin on ; 
 Can't tell when '11 git me 'er jest 
 When I'll be gone ; but when the 
 Spirit moves me I ain't got long to 
 Stay, fer I'll jest pack my fishin' 
 Kit an' — an' slip away. 
 
 TALK [41] 
 
 I'.W.W.W.VAV.V.VAVAM 
 
When I was sick the other day, 
 
 I called a man whom the neighbors say 
 
 Is an osteopath, or something like that, 
 
 And this is the story I want to tell — 
 
 He gave me a treatment, and I got well. 
 
 But I'm not surprised, the way he went at it ; 
 
 He twisted my neck, un jointed my back, 
 
 Pulled my legs (literally speaking), 
 
 Then up and down my spinal cord, 
 
 Pulling and pushing and twisting and turning — 
 
 "You'd make a good baker," I said to him, 
 
 "For you surely knead the bread." 
 
 He answered, "I need the 'dough'," 
 
 But said it wasn't personal ; 
 
 And then he gave my neck a twist. 
 
 I said to him, "I need a haircut," 
 
 For that was the first time in all my life 
 
 I had easily seen the back of my neck. 
 
 And when he finished and said he was through 
 
 I was all back in shape and as good as new. 
 
 It's pretty rough treatment, and has some faults, 
 
 But it tastes lots better than Epsom salts. 
 
 [42] IDLE 
 
■-■-■J" J*- 11 J" ■ ■ * J" ■ ■ J"." J" Jijiji Ji JBJiJ 
 ■KIR ■ ■«■■■■■■■■ tt R ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ 
 
 Born and raised out on a ranch, 
 
 Lived there all my boyhood days, 
 
 Until I reached majority. 
 
 Then somehow, sort o' happen so, 
 
 Kind o' just slipped into town, 
 
 Got in business and settled down 
 
 To a regular grinding sort o* way, 
 
 The same tomorrow as you have today; 
 
 Seems like nothing ever new, 
 
 Just the same thing through and through, 
 
 Always wishing to get out there, 
 
 Out on the farm in the open air. 
 
 But when it comes this time o' year, 
 
 The sun's warm rays through the atmosphere, 
 
 Just sets you dreamin' in a sort o' daze, 
 
 And it all comes back in a hundred ways. 
 
 And you smell the odor of new-mown hay, 
 
 And upturned sod, and flowers and grass ; 
 
 And hear the call of the whippoorwill ; 
 
 And the air all silence and lone and still. 
 
 It's mighty inviting this time o* year 
 
 When the sun beats soft and the spring is here. 
 
 TALK [43] 
 
 Mm B . RHRttttllillRHRRKMHMM"" 
 
I saw a man take down his 'phone 
 And heard him call in voice distinct 
 A number of some friend of his, 
 And watched him wait for a reply. 
 And when the central answered him, 
 "There's no response," he spoke to 
 Her in angry tones, and what he 
 Said I can not write, and with a 
 Slam he hung it up, and cursed 
 The girl who tried to get 
 The number that he wanted there. 
 Now if this man would only 
 Sit and watch the centrals as 
 They work and see the troubles 
 That they have and how they strive 
 To please, humiliation would 
 Subdue his angry temper, and again 
 When he would be obliged to call 
 A number and the central should 
 Again reply, "There's no response," 
 He'd say to her, "I thank you, dear," 
 And just feel good for what he was — 
 A gentleman. 
 
 [44] IDLE 
 
 I I I I I I 
 
W^W— » M w — »_« — « — «^^ M ^ tw^w^ w^»^w^w — «.J^ 
 
 ■ ■■■■■■■■■' 
 
 I remember well I savin' at school 
 That sin would find you out; but 
 Politics is worse 'n sin, at least 
 It's just about. A man who runs fer 
 Office never knows how bad he is 
 Until he gits to goin' and cracky 
 How they siz. Makes no difference 
 What he's been er what he does er 
 How; he's just about the meanest man 
 That ever took a vow. Things he never 
 Know'd afore about his own affairs, 
 Comes loomin' up afore him like a 
 Flight o' windin' stairs. Never did 
 A honest deed, to hear his 'ponents 
 Talk ; nothin' ever like it, was ever 
 In his stock. Jest a common renegade 
 The worst in all the land, when a man 
 Gits into politics and tries to make 
 A stand. There h'ain't no use in talkin' 
 Sir, you'll allers have to fix and be 
 Accused of everything when in fer 
 Politics. 
 
 TALK [45] 
 
 ■ ■ ■■■■■■■■■«■■ ■ ■ ■■■!■■■■■ 
 : ■ ■ lllllllllllllliliillll 
 
i a m « ■ ■ mmjmmj i ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ bjb jiji., 
 
 ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ••■ 
 
 If your mother was old and 
 Feeble and gray and was poor 
 Like others are and had to 
 Work the whole long day just 
 To keep the hungry wolf away, 
 Would you be ashamed when she 
 Passed by to tell your friends 
 How sweet she was and that you 
 Loved her just the same as if 
 She wore the finest silks and 
 All the jewels wealth could 
 Buy? Then when you pass upon 
 The street some poor old lady 
 Worn and bent, don't pass her 
 With a fiendish sneer and 
 Wonder what she's doing here 
 But if she looks into your 
 Face smile back at her and 
 Give her place. If not your 
 Own please bear in mind 
 She's some one's loving mother. 
 
 [46] * IDLE 
 
® mm I 
 
 Did you ever notice how nice 
 It was at a musical or a 
 Social or a tea or anything in 
 The afternoon, to have some 
 Artist play some perfectly 
 Beautiful selection on the 
 Piano while the guests are 
 Coming in and getting acquainted 
 And then after the affair is 
 Over and everybody has sung 
 Or read or whatever it is, to 
 Play again while the guests are 
 Expressing to each other how 
 Perfectly lovely it was and 
 Saying good-by and everything? 
 And did you ever notice how 
 Delighted and thrilled the 
 Pianist was? 
 
 TALK [47] 
 
ill ri 
 
 ■■■■■■■■■ 
 
 Speaking of mother, so natural it seems 
 
 To pour out our love in sweetest dreams, 
 
 We think of her tender loving cares, 
 
 And our heart begins melting unawares, 
 
 And tears of sorrow bedim our eyes, 
 
 When we think of mother and her sacrifice. 
 
 But now we come, 'tis father's day, 
 
 And to you we love we wish to say, 
 
 That while in the past poetic themes 
 
 Have been of mother, and mother's dreams, 
 
 'Twas not because we loved you less, 
 
 But for mother, the love and tenderness, 
 
 Seemed more at place, and words and thought 
 
 Did brighten you, for the joy it brought. 
 
 So father dear, we honor you. 
 
 Our thoughts are with you through and through. 
 
 With reverence due, we sing your praise, 
 
 Our fathers, the builders of other days. 
 
 [48] IDLE 
 
 Hinnn.Btta mwrm &. > m m wTmm n ■ 
 
The sky is filled with blackest clouds 
 
 And all the air is cold and chill ; 
 
 And wind doth moan from morn till night 
 
 Beneath the misfit window sill. 
 
 And out upon the frozen street 
 
 The click and clatter of the hoofs ; 
 
 And up above, the branches play 
 
 Their tattoo on shattered roof. 
 
 'Tis winter and its biting frost 
 
 Doth grip the world with stinging power; 
 
 And everywhere within its path, 
 
 The shriveled plant and drooping flower. 
 
 How sad, and yet above the cloud, 
 
 The sun doth shine with brilliant ray; 
 
 And hope and cheer doth linger there 
 
 To welcome spring's returning day. 
 
 And often when your all seems gone 
 
 A ray of hope doth spur you on. 
 
 TALK [49] 
 
 m ■ ■ « AJVV , « I, J* -■-■-"."-■-■-■-i" J i J"J i J B J || U | 
 
 !■■■■■ WTm ■ ■ ■ ■ I I m ■ ■ ■ ■ 9 ■ H 
 
IRI111IKII1IIHH Mr H Hi H Ml H Ml I 
 
 The man or woman, child or babe, 
 
 Who, with no thought of other ones, 
 
 Will carelessly or otherwise 
 
 Deposit 'neath the table frame, 
 
 In places where the public dine, 
 
 Large gobs of masticated gum ; 
 
 So when we sit to eat our food, 
 
 We rub our knees against the wood, 
 
 And lo ! They stick, the gum holds on, — 
 
 (Another pair of pants are gone) 
 
 I say the one who sticks it there, 
 
 Is now the subject of my thought; 
 
 And I would like to say to him 
 
 Just what I think, but rules of press 
 
 Will not permit me to express 
 
 The few kind (?) words, so let it slide 
 
 I'll hold my tongue and there abide. 
 
 [50] IDLE 
 
 ■ ■ MUMMMi MLiLRJi Ml ■ ■'■ 'MUMJi.'MI MLJUi 
 ■ ■■■■lllllll HIHHIBHMIMrai 
 
W.%V.V.V.%%V%VtVV%V.V. 
 
 The man who lives in this day and age 
 Who goes to church and everything 
 And doesn't smoke or chew or drink 
 And stays home nights and reads aloud 
 Some story book his wife admires 
 And gets the breakfast every morn 
 And never goes to picture shows 
 Unless his wife goes with him, too; 
 And when some friend invites him out 
 To have a little game of bridge 
 Does then reply, "I'm sorry, sir, 
 I can not come, my wife is ill," 
 To tell the truth who'd rather be 
 At home with her than anywhere — 
 Deserves a medal as big as your hat. 
 He may be a martyr, but he's right at that. 
 
 TALK [51] 
 
W« ■%"«*«%** ll *V i « !%/"■ W ■TkVwVb 11 * 1 
 
 To him who sits by his open 
 Window in office building and 
 Chews and chews the filthy weed 
 And expectorates out into the 
 Open air and down upon the 
 Passing throng with never a 
 Thought or seeming care, I wish 
 To say that you deserve the 
 Worst there is on earth to come. 
 I speak the voice of one who 
 Was recipient of juicy gob that 
 Fell upon my Sunday hat. Not for 
 The hat I care so much, although 
 It was a brand new Knox, as for 
 The thought, yea even more, I was 
 A human cuspidor. 
 
 [52] IDLE 
 
Did you ever stop and picture 
 Scenes of childhood with your 
 Mother and think of how she 
 Sacrificed for you? Would you 
 Do the things you used to, say 
 The things she told you not to, 
 If she were only here to love 
 You now? Too bad we didn't 
 Know her as we see her smiling 
 Yonder, just waiting for the 
 Time we are to come. But if the 
 World could counter and roll 
 Back the years we've missed her 
 We would clasp our arms about 
 Her form and kiss away the 
 Sorrows that we brought. 
 
 TALK [53] 
 
■ ■ 
 
 If the man who told me that ' 
 
 When the dogwood was in blossom 
 
 The fish would bite, will come to my office 
 
 Tomorrow morning at half -past ten, 
 
 I'll tell him what I think about 
 
 The dogwood and the fish, and also 
 
 What I think about a man who 
 
 Will give a real good friend such a steer, 
 
 And do it intentionally, with malice aforethought, 
 
 Knowing full well that the fish do not know 
 
 A thing about trees or flowers or anything. 
 
 I went out yesterday and I fished all day, 
 
 Didnt get a bit, all on his say, 
 
 And I never saw such beautiful dogwood, 
 
 In bloom anywhere, but the fish didn't know it. 
 
 [54] IDLE 
 
a B K * B5 BS a M 
 
 . 
 
 Can you show me a hero of greater renown 
 
 Than the baseball pitcher in his own home town ? 
 
 Speaking of heroes, there's none I say 
 
 Compared with the pitcher who wins today. 
 
 For he will live in the hearts of men 
 
 For years and years and years, and then 
 
 They'll tell how in the final game 
 
 With three on bases and no one out, 
 
 He fanned the next three men at bat 
 
 And didn't exert himself at that ; 
 
 And then at last, when he came up 
 
 With a man on first, he hit the ball 
 
 And over the fence like out of a gun 
 
 And they scampered home, and the game was won. 
 
 Can you show me a hero of greater renown 
 
 Than the baseball pitcher in his own home town ? 
 
 TALK [55] 
 
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 Publishers, Tulsa, Okla, 
 
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