Glass. Book. 180*1 1 I #:? / POLITICS m OF THE GEORGIUM SIDUS. ADYTCE HOW TO BECOME ^ S * ^ GREAT SENATORS a STATESMAN, Interspersed with Characteristic Sketches, and Hints on Various Subjects in MODERN POLITICS. BY A LATE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT. LONDON PRINTED FOR ODDY & CO. 2~ , OXTO&D, STREET ; GRAY & SON, OPPOSITE ST. JAMES'S STREET, PIC- CADILLY ; and Jordan & maxwell, strand. 1807. IT i£ Printed by R. Zotti, 1 6, Broad Street, Golden Sq. CONTENTS, CHAP. I. PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. Page Nurseling Senator I Early Eloquence 3 Reading 8 Pullic Sch ools 13 Declamation 17 Private Theatres 18 How to make a Wit 19 Universities 22 Gaming 26 Neicspapers 28 ColhetVs Works 37 Use of Dancing to a Chancellor 42 Foreign Travel 45 CHAP. II. OF ELECTIONS. Different Places to be represented 52 Close Boroughs 53 A County Contest 5(5 Another County Election 66 Great Borough Election Contest 74 Government Boroughs and Counties 78 Opposition Boroughs 83 Election Agent$ %t% ,„„ , 84 CONTENTS. CHAP. III. Trials of Elections before Committees: SQ CHAP. IV. First Exertion in the House 93 CHAP. V. The same Subject continued 106 CHAP. VI. How to attain to the Consequence of a Leader in the House Il6 Political Clubs.... , 119 CHAP. VII. Career in Opposition till the Strong-Holds of Administrasion are taken by Storm 125 CHAP. VIII. Treaty for the Assumption of the Ministry 330 CHAP. IX. The Political Adventurer at the Head of an Ad- ministration 138 Blacken the last Administration : declare (he Country irrecoverably ruined 143 Pay your Court to the Enemy , before you evt/i make your Compliments, as the new Minister, to your Country's Allies 147 Public Abjuratirn of former Principles 15.3 (Economical Enquiry and Reform, . . ] 55 Foreign Affairs resumed ic'T Renew your Diplomatic Representation and Cor- respondence at the Courts of the Allies, 1 64 Parliamentary Campaign,. . . . . , .-. 167 Grand original Scheme of Finance. 1 (j() How to treat the Military and Naval Commanders who were employed under your Predeccs ors 173 &ly return to former Principles,., .............. 176 CHAPTER I. Preliminary Education. Nurseling Senator. He who is destined to rise in the Sidereal Parliament, ought to be put into a prepa- ratory course of education from the very cradle. A lively, prating nurse, one of those wo- men who chatter for hours together, to a cat, a parrot, a pug-dog, or a child in their arms, without reflecting — whether the objects they address have the smallest intelligence of what they s:*y. — will, upon this tcoxc. be cf B FRELHIINARY EDUCATION, infinite value, to have the charge of our M. P. in swaddling clothes. A little ac- customed to such eloquence, — the infant comes to listen to it, with looks and feelings of grave satisfaction. It becomes necessary , to make him easy. He grows to be like the sailor who cannot take a nap on the shrouds, unless he be lulled by a loud wind. Or, he takes, at this early age, the happy habit of the scohfs husband that never sinks so sweet- ly into repose, as under the quietus of a cur- tain-lecture. The native sensibility of his auditory nerves, is subdued to the torpor of one who, living, as it were, next door neighbour to the noise of a waterfall, learns to uiind it no more than if he kept his couch, night a&id day, in a nook of Westminster- Hail, during the silence and solitude of the Long Vacation. Or, he becomes like the miller's servant, w hose slumbers never fail to be broken, the moment the hollow rustling of the moving wheels is interrupted, and the din of the clapper ceases. The importance of confiding the unfledged XI RSELIXG SEXATOR. legislator to such a nurse, is to be fully con- ceived only by those who have, like me, passed half a century in the Chapel of Patriotism and Wisdom. But the gravity of look, far more valuable than attention itself, which counterfeits it to a very miracle, is never to be commanded ? unless by early and unremitting habit. The patience to listen, night after night, to over- powering eloquence, is not to be created at once, nor acquired, if one have not been inured, from inarticulating infancy, to catch only the sounds, and leave the sense to be scattered by the winds. And it is of singular utility to the hero of political adventuVe, to have begun, from the earliest hour, to pre- pare for making as many as possible of the incidents of public debate to operate upon his mind with soporific influence. These qua- lities ate, in this planet, the very elements of the better part of the true genius for legisla- tive greatness. Early Eloquence. So tutored before he begins to speak, the I ^PIlEMMINARy EBtJCATlOX. ivursding senator has a quite different species of instruction to receive, the moment he can *nake himself understood in articulate speech. He must be, now, excited to emu- late the chatter of his nurse with the utmost briskness and perseverance. If to be a solemn, steady, unintelligent hearer , be the first object in that which is his destination in life; his very next object is, to be, himself, an eloquent speaker. Now, I must acquaint you, ingenuously, with that which is the true secret of elo- quence. It is not, as Demosthenes was weak enough to fancy, " Action ! Action! Ac- tion!" it exists not in fire of sentiment: no, nor in vigour of imagery ! it depends not upon any general predominance of good sense or propriety throughout the whole of what is said. It is not constituted by mere strength of facts or cogency of argument. It does not consist even in directing the whole scope of what is said to one single and lead- ing point of persuasion. It is not in the grace, propriety, or energy, of correct and EARLY ELOQUENCE'. mellow elocution; no! not in any one of i\\c>c applauded excellencies; nor even in the union of the whole. Far from me be it 7 to vilify the art which I have nothing but the sincerest motives of public spirit to induce me to teach. But I must state that which I certainly know. In the whole course of my senatorial experience, I have watched anxiously to discover what it was that produced the proper effects of Eloquence in Parliamentary speaking. In the result, I have clearly ascertained, that bold prompti- tude, glib volubility, inexhaustible perse- verance, periods of fifty miles, a generous negligence of excessive accuracy of defini- tion, or clearness and regularity of argument, the fortitude to resist a general hum, lungs of strength to overpower the spread of a forced cough, spirit to make the most of a friendly " Hear himV an a Hided, or, still better, a natural confusion of ideas, mincing and mangling popular facts and arguments, without absolutely omitting them, a turbid stream of speech- overwhelming all purity of PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. phrase, correctness of grammar, or consist- ency of metaphor, the power to hold out for live hours at a breath, self-complacency to feel animated by the sound of one's own voice as a perpetual cheerer, and just common sense enough not to think of cutting blocks with a razor, are the only genuine con* STITUENT3 OF EFFECTIVE ELOQUENCE. It matters not, though these differ from what the Rhetoricians and the University-men describe^ as the elements of eloquence : In- deed, I know not that the University-men ever taught a lesson, on a single subject, that wag good for any thing, in express , unim- proved, application to the practice of life. Eloquence is whatever accomplishes the ends of persuasive speaking in business : and, I can solemnly affirm, that, throughout my ex- perience, I have never known any qualities but those I just now mentioned, to prove of the smallest use in parliamentary oratory. Now the habits which create and foster such qualities, must be induiw usque ab Uneris ungukulis* The hoy must no soone* i EARLV ELOQUENCE. have found, that lie has an articulating tongue, than begin to accustom it, by daily practice, to invincible loquacity. Let the talkative nurse be admonished to listen, m turn, to his little gossip. Or, let him bo slily instigated to contend, from time to time^ to talk her down. And, let both father and mother take special care to encourage him to prate to themselves as much as possible; mimicking his little imperfect prattle, and coaxing him to repeat and continue it, with all the fondling and enticements that they can devise. It will be of extraordinary benefit, if they can bring him into the way of addressing himself, at first sight, to every stranger that enters the house, with the same boldness, pertinacity, and indifference, with which he chatters to his nurse and to them- selves. Above all, let none check his self- confidence; none harass him with the correc- tion of his elocution ; none by any means intimidate him, as if whatever was by him uttered, were not an hundred times more desirable to be heard, than anything tint could possibly come from another. S PRELIMINARY' EDUCATION. That he may not absolutely lose the faculty of being a Hearer, as he becomes a Speak- er; introduce him, now and then, to strange company, before which, even his boldness must, at the first onset, keep silence : Callr French emigrants to keep up their magpie chatter round him : excite his nurse to maintain against him the privilege of her tongue: let him, at times, hear, in one mingled chorus, the bowlings from your dog-kennel, the groans of your pig-stye t the screams and hisses from your poultry- yard : or, if you be in London, fail not to carry him, from time to time, to hear a Lecture at the house of the Royal Insti- tution. Should he get, upon any of these occasions, heart-sick of Hearing; why, then, let him, as soon after as possible, pay it oiF in Speaking. Reading. It is the fashion of these times, for every person's: children to be taught to read : and you cannot avoid compliance with it. The good old times have passed, never, I fear, to READING. # return, when it was no discredit to a prince or a privy counsellor to set his mark to a writing, because he knew not to subscribe his name. Those, howevep, were the tiaius of Statesmen, Lawgivers, and Heroes, the founders of empires, the authors of modes of irovernment, and of systems of legislation, which have existed in stability ever since. What, indeed, are books good for, but to withhold attention from the reality of life nnd nature ? What can they give but signs instead of things ? A Leeds clothier might as reasonably promise you a piece of broad- cloth, without wool or woollen yarn, as any man expect to derive knowledge from books, of which he Irad not the first elements within his head, before ever he sat down to read litem. I would just as soon take Lord Peter's brown loaf for a fillet of veal, as have any book of history, principles, or descrip- tion, instead of the actual experience of my senses as to the realities it refers to. No ! no! reading and writing, at least for law- givers and statesmen y are among the silk- 10 PRELIMINARY '.EtHJCATIOST. ■ • -• ^^-- WOlm refinements of human wit, spinning out a shroud in which to smother itself. Hurt your boy's head, then, as litle as may be, by your unavoidable compliance, in this case, with the habits and manners of the age. Let him learn to read in such a way, that his reading may not mar the much more important parts of his education. The old nurse, or a French Governess, is the fittest person you can employ, to teach him his letters. Under either of these ins- tructresses, he may learn to spell, without being withdrawn from that incessant prac- tice,-~-now in hearing without care to un* derstand,-— now in speaking without solici- tude to be understood — which must render both these habits as it were essensial to his very existence. A French Governess's instructions will hinder him from contract- ing any unseasonable predilection for finical purity of English pronunciation. He will learn from her to read and speak, like a ci* tizea of Europe, rather than like a mere na^ foe -qf England. He is put in training READING. 11 oven for the post of a foreign ambassador. She will teach him his catechism, either in the Roman Catholic way, or in that of the French Esprifs Forts. If matters not in which of the two, he have it. In the one, the self contradictions of absurd supersti- tion; in the other, those of atheism; will duly prepare him for that latitude of belief, and for those easy morals, which are, alone, becoming for an English gentleman. The French Governess will be useful to give him various other lessons, which it is un- lik^ly that he should have from any English person, not of French education, whom you might place about him. — She will, indi- rectly, teach him to fib dexterously, with the air and confidence of truth. She will lire him with more of self-conceit than his mind could be otherwise inflamed to, at this puerile age. She will initiate him in that gallantry which is ever the first thing to make a child think like a man : and, as your boy is a destined M. P. you cannot, too soon, maJkc a little man of him She will 12 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. teach him, also, to make a grand show with whatever little knowledge he may have got. And you will not deny, that it is, to the full, as great a merit to seem to the world a wise man, at a small expense of real wisdom, as to live in splendour and magnificence, with a very frugal consumption of money. Should you, by some extraordinary ill luck, be unable to procure such a French Governess as I recommend; you mny find your purpose nearly as well answered, if you send your boy to one of those French Seminaries in the environs of London, where little communities of unmarried French- men and French-women live together in all the chaste and fond endearments for which French manners are so peculiarly distinguished; join a little seminary of boys to a contiguous seminary of girls ; and, witli exemplary diligence, thus discipline the future manhood and matrons of England, in that knowledge, that religion, those morals, that sense of cleanliness, and those manners, which must be becoming in the people of this HCADING. 13 1 _ country, when they shall be the subjects of France. Or, should you not find it convenient to place your child to 3 our mind, in one of these hot-beds ; I think you might even send him to any one of the trading English boarding-schools in the vicinity of London, lie may, there, learn to read<, without catching any early smack of pedantry. He will not be likely to contract any unseasonable en- thusiasm for bookishness. His mind will not be over-impregnated with principles of morality or religion. He will be turned adrift among boys older than himself, among whom he may quickly acquire almost all the liardihood, the boldness, the artifices^ the superiority to shame, and the precocity of •vicious experience, which distinquish E — 11 and W r. Public Schools. To E or W the stripling must at length be sent, 'lire adventure is hazar- dous, but unavoidable. 1 am far from wishing H PRELIMINARY £Dl7CATI0*. to be understood, as directing you to send him there, to have his head stuffed with Greek and Latin j or to acquire the sheepish ness and the awkward pedantry of a classical scholar. The common opinion of that which consti- tutes the fitness of sending boys to either of these great seminaries, is perfectly correct. They go— to gain connexions which may be of use to their interests in future life, — to learn the morals and manners of those boys who are to be, afterwards, the first men in their coun- try,— if possible, to distinguish themselves as leaders in the sports, pleasures, A\ild mischief^ and premature dissipation of their school-fel- lows : certainly, for no other purpose that can deserve a moments thought. There is u a noble way" to classical fame at those se- minaries : the aid of a tutor, the kindness of a master, the boldness of the boy himself, may crown him with the fame of being a good scholar, without subjecting him to any dull toil over his tasks. Let your son be taught to keep steadily in view, the ends for which he is sent to this great seminary at which you PUBLIC SCHOOLS, 15 fix him. Supply his pockets freely with money. Let him think only of the appro- bation of his schoolfellows: let him have spirit to despise the milksops who do not scorn that of the masters. Let him aspire to be the first at quizzing an awkward stranger, — a sober, bookish boy— if such should hap- pen to be among the crowd, — a tutor too con* icieniiously troublesome to his pupil,- — or a master who is foolish enough to supppose that boys of spirit ought to be ashamed of any pranks of which they can be guilty. L$ him have address to escape the toils and miseries of a fag) while he is in that condi- tion, himself: and, let him have the vigour to deem no hardship too severe to be imposed on the smaller boy that becomes his own fag, and has not the cunning to elude the severity of his commands by outwitting and deceiving him. Let him, if possible, be the first cricket player, the readiest to play the truant for the sake of joining in a fox-chase, the boldest swimmer, the readiest to rob an orchard or storm a hen-roost, the most daring leader in €6 PRE^IMIN^R^ EDUCATION. any school-insurrection that shall threaten the authority of the masters. Let him make himself the first in every bold mischief that belongs properly to rude school-boys ; and the first in eyery anticipated vice or amuse- ment of premature manhood. Let him only shew parts in this way ; and throw his fellows behind him. Ask no more. — He will, infal- libly, become the ornament of the senate ; the very oracle of the cabinet. — Some wise- acre parent may, perhaps, judge otherwise ; £nd ask for more pedant and sheepish qua- lificaations. — But the test is easy. By what qualities were the E and W years of the LAST GREAT PARTY-LEADER and STATES- MAN that died in office, distinguished ? Was he not the foremost in every mischievous and expensive adventure ? Was there . a spirited vice or folly of manhood into which he did not, while at W or E , prematurely plange ? Did he not attach his schoolfellows to himself for life, chiefly by having been their ringleader in boyish dissipation? — These are the studies md exercises of educa- PUBLIC SCHOOLS. r 17 tion which teach a knowledge of the human heart, and invest one with the power to over- awe or captivate it. The future business of the Senate will differ from the sports, — only in the apparent magnitude of the objects, — not at all, in keenness and duplicity of in- trigue, in the play of passions, in the earnest- ness with which the different interests are prized by the heart, in the ambition, emula- tion, or strife which arise upon them. Declamation. When the hopeful youth visits you, at the seasons of recess, you must not fail to give him, proper supplementary lessons. To in- spire him with forwardness and self-confi- dence must still be your principal ob- ject. Set him to declaim upon any subject in human affairs ; according to the method that succeeded so well towards wards making a parliamentary orator of the famous Philm* Duke of Wharton. Al- low him, as Lord II did with C ]§ FUELlMlffARY EDUCATION. to rummage, tear, and burn your most important papers at pleasure. Or, as the great Earl of C is reported to have done for his illustrious second son 7 accustom your intended legislator to dispute with you, and speechify to you, with the same spirit, as if he were, himself, already, the preceptor, and you but his humble pupil. Private Theatres. Sometimes, you may introduce him to make one among a party of gentlemen and lady performers of private plays. It is well known what wonderful powers for senatorial eloquence T*** Sk***d*n, and Mr. Sk*fF**n ? and Mr. Gr*v**I* have acquired by their ZEsopus diligence. Did not the Priory T/ze- airicals inspire a certain Most Noble Marquis with eloquence and patriotism to check the insolence of the Irish Bench ? Is it not rea- sonably expected of the young Rosciiis^ that the time must quickly arrive when it shall be said of bim, with unquestionable truth, as a PRIVATE THEATRES. 19 political orator , Nee quicquam xiget simile nut secundum? In short, if you would have your son, hereafter, to turn out a great sena- tor and statesman ; make, now, as much as possible, a little mountebank of him ! How to make a Wit. To be an orator, he must be a wit. Promp- titude and confidence of speech are the quali- ties the most essentially necessary to that power. He who spiritedly blunders out whatever comes uppermost to him, must, in- fallibly, utter some good things. — The next requisite is, to have the memory well-stored with such points of witticism, and such hu- morous stories, as have been, before, often laughed at, and repeated by others. Nothing is less new, than wit : There is scarce a good thing even in Joe Miller, that is not as old as the days of Plaltus : Therefore, let no cne be deterred from the repetition of old wit, by any fears of the charge of plagiarism : — Old wit has, indeed, more than the advan- '2D PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. tages of old wine : having long since pleased^ — and having continued to please, — its power is certain : but, who could say as much of fresh, untried wit, that had never made any mortal laugh before ? — There is nothing with which taste and criticism have less to do, than with wit : whatever makes people laugh with you, that, — be it pun, smut, conundrum, or whatever else pedants may choose to term it, —is absolutely true wit : it produces the ef- fects of wit— a test unequivocal of its genu- ineness. My plain, express advice, then, is, that you make your destined orator to get by heart, every morning, the witticisms from the co- lumns of any one of our Newspapers— -espe- cially from that hot-bed of puns, and conun- drums, the Morning Post. u They are the u very reverse of true wit,"— exclaims some pedant: — " they are false, they are stale." No matter: they make people laugh: the call for them is perpetual, and increases per- petually: they are eagerly read at the most •fashionable breakfast tables : they supply wit HOW TO MAKE A WIT. 2f for the day, to nine tenths of the brisk talk- ative persons upon the town : they are, to all purposes, wit — for, they produce its surest, most unequivocal effects. Now, the boy who gets by heart, these beauties of the Moaning Post for but three months succes- sively, will be, at the end of that time, a consummate master of even the whole Ency- . clopcedia of Wit: and, if lie possess but the necessary coldness and firmness of spirit, will be competent to distinguish himself as a wit of the fust water, upon every one of the gn at occasions in business or social converse, which admit of its being shewn off to advan- tage. J name the term of three months, be- cause any three months exhaust all the wit, good or bad, that newspapers supply. It is, with them, at the end of this term, ever a return to the old, like that of " a dog to his vomit. — When the young man has gone through the course ; lefc him employ the puns which he has learned, with prompt intrepi- dity, upon all occasions. Let him watch for the occasion, studiously ; and even blurt VQ PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. them out, at all hazards, seasonably or unsea- sonably, rather than not make himself expert in the use of them. He may, if he choose, study the same bright things, also, in the co- medies of Reynolds, Morton, and Tommy Dibdin. But, above all, let no ridicule deter him from the constant private study of the good old manuel of Joe Miller. No one ever pretended to laugh at another for filch- ing from Joe Miller, that had not learned, by experience, — what a treasure of wit honest Joe's volume supplied. Universities. The next move is to the University, Adieu, from this hour, to study, to restraint, to confinement to pedantic exercises of any kind ! I have no choice to recommend be- tween Oxford and Cambridge. Let circum- stances of private humour or connexion determine you. The society of the fellows in the common-room, will be of admirable benefit to form our young Gentleman-com- UNIVERSITIES moner,— if lie can be persuaded to endure it, — to that humdrum soaking seriousness, — faintly enlivened, now and then, "with a sober joke, a thread-bare classical pun, or a smutty tale, — which is of very good use in parlia- mentary committees, or over a beef-steak and a glass of port in Bellamy's^ and upon all those occasions when members are obliged to hang on in waiting, hour after hour, merely that they may be in readiness to give their votes if the house shall divide. There is, perhaps, also, another reason of no small consequence, on account of which the des- tined senator may do well to attach himself, at least occasionally, to the society in the common-room. The Lacedaemonians are said to have exhibited their slaves, drunk, to their children, to deter the latter from drunkenness. And I don't know that there is any thing more likely to disgust a young man. for ever, with all that is slovenly, sneak- ing, coarse, and pedantic in the speech, ha- bits, and marine *s, of gownsmen, than such displays as he must witness in the grand £4 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. scenes of snug academical lounging and con- viviality. In the common-room, disgust will give him the deepest impressions against cer- tain things which it is desireable that he should perpetually avoid ; while he must, on the other hand, acquire certain habits which, amid the great destined business of his future life, may be found, often, very convenient. He must, for form sake, have a tutor. But, it is not necessary that lie attend the tutor's lectures, or suffer him to direct his private studies. It is enough, that he reside, for a time, among University-folks, and breathe their academical air. If he occasionally wait upon his tutor, let it be to make a jest of the fellow's solemn pedantry. If he open any books of serious Instruction, let it be to break a joke upon them . Let him, in particu- lar, be careful, never to let a sober student or a solemn occasion escape from before him, without being made the butt of "some smart, confounding sarcasm. The resources to sup- ply him with such sarcasms, I have pointed out, already. The exercises for degrees he r.vn FRsrrirs. $3 mop huy ready made. Jf he do not, from time to time, commit such -dashing irregula- rities as may bring him under the censure of the proctors ; it will be a proof, that he is deficient in the bold and free spirit of an English gentleman . Excursions to London, to Woodstock, to Newmarket, to every scene at any convenient distance, that is attractive to youthful curio- sity, will, very properly, occupy: his time whenever the frolics of the University begin to languish There are vices, of which, .though I do not expressly enumerate, describe, and recommend them, I should certainly discou- rage nothing but the habitual and maddened excess. No man can become wise by another's experience. How should any youth be prepared to act his part, as a man, iiL the business of the great world, who has not, at the university age, had his wench, drunk his three bottles at a sitting, lost his bets upon horse-racing, running, shooting, boxing, dice, or cards ? It is not necessary, that you absolutely prompt your son to such SG PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. pursuits. That , nature and example will fully atchieve. Connive at the irregularities into which they lead ; direct his tutors in the University to do the same ; do not with- hold your money from him, with too niggard- ly a hand ; have a care merely, that he be- come not absolutely the tippling slave of drunkenness, the mere plucked pigeon of gambling, or the victim of venereal disease, It is not vice, but the debasing, unmanning, killing excesses of vice, that you have to .dread for him. Gaming, Nothing is indeed, more requisite to a young man of so high a destination, than that he early acquire due skill in all the games of chance. That he may become of lead- ing political consequence among noblemen and gentlemen, — he will have to pass much of his time on the race-ground, and at the gaming-table. His political talents will be estimated by the shrewdness which he GAMING. 2/ discovers in betting', and the skill with which he shuffles and plays his cards. Not to speak of the pecuniary ruin that must, in such circumstances, quickly overtake an un- skilful gamester ; he will be thought a man of no talents, if he cannot excel those in their own favourite pursuits whom he aspires to lead in politics. Let nothing, then, hin- der you from impressing upon his mind the necessity of the thorough study of Hoyle. A grandmother or a maiden-aunt may give him much seasonable instruction in card- playing, when he pays his visits at home, be- tween terms. You must yourself accustom him to the bold riding of the chace, and in- itiate him upon the turf. It avails, however, little or nothing, that you acquaint him -simply with card-playing and horse-racing, if you instruct him not in all the finesse and the artifices of these pursuits. The doubtful artifices of gaming are nearly allied to all that is most masterly in political intrigue. He who knows to hedge a bet with due skill, will easily excel in the game of double and 28 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION* treble negotiations. The knowing one on the turf will, the most readily, become knowing in the nice arts and minute distinctions by which the matches in St. S 's Chapel, or on the hustings in Covent Garden will fall to be decided. I had almost said, that he who knows to cog a die, to hide a card sea- sonably, to bribe a groom to make the horse he rides disappoint those who have taken the long odds, will be fittest person for all the subtle arts of diplomatic intrigue. We know, that strait-laced, austere morality, is not, in the present state of this world's affairs, to be too punctiliously adhered to, whether in gaming or in politics. And of such great indispensible businesses in life, it cannot but be highly proper to make the one subservient to the improvement of the mind for the prac- tice of the other. Newspapers. I had almost forgotton one thing of signal importance in our young M. P.'s education. NEWSPAPER. 29 He should 5 now, begin to receive some formal lessons in parliamentary politics. For these I can refer him to no better school, than that to which he was sent for wit. The cistern has two pipes, out of the oue of which it pours politics, tvhile wit spouts out at the other. The Morning Nezcspapers of the metropolis, in their reports of the de- bates in parliament, in their solemn political paragraphs, and especially in those which are called -their leading articles, contain all that it is, in the least necessary, for our young Hopeful to study,, in order to render himself a consummate proficient in the whole art and mystery of domestic and even foreign politics. They are the only school in which all our great orators and -statesmen now take their degrees. They are the only reading for which a member of parliament and man of fashion can well be supposed to have leisure. The reports of the debates may be regarded as the productions — jointly of the members to whom the speeches are respestively attri- buted, — and the reporters, a sot of journey- SO PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. men printers,' taylors, cabinet-makers, and attorney's clerks, the most eminently quali- fied to repeat,. to point, to amplify, to inform the eloquence of parliamentary orators. All matters of public business, and all the sub- jects of legislative discussion, are, in those reports, unfolded, with a natural confusion of thoughts and language the most unequi- vocal proof of the fidelity of the reporter. They present no examples of elegant, cor- rect, or glowing phraseology, to reduce the student to despair. A Cicero, and a Demos- thenes display specimens of eloquence too consummately perfect for the actual practice of modern life and business : the reports of cur debates in parliament, give such wisdom as a Sancho Panza might utter, in such composition as a letter -writing parish- clerk might indite. They possess, too, that interesting perfection to rush, always, into the middle of things. They are the genuine, unvarnished pictures of the minds of the speakers. They, with the other contents of our public papers, have M^YSPAPEXTS. become -almost the only reading of the whole body of the people of these united kingdoms. There is not a wise saying in the i; groat's worth of wit," that is not, from lime to time, repeated in these reports. They touch, at one time or another, in one form or another, upon every topic of public business. They differ so very little, but in the mere application, from such eloquence as our young Eleve lias, himself long since de- claimed in the ears of his nurse and his French governess, that, while he reads, he cannot Tail to become, all at once, M Conscious of powers he never knew, M And grasp at things beyond his view, ••' Nor, by another's fate, submit to be confm'd!" He will soon discover, that the great topics of debate are far from being numerous ; that praise is bestowed much rather upon length, loudness, and pertinacity in error, if that error be adopted as an article of party-creed, than upon such pedantic merits as a school- P M PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. master might extol in his orators of classical antiquity ; that a haranguer of two hours is thought a much more eloquent man than one that speaks but half an hour, he of five hours much greater than he of two, — just as if among writers, the author of a folio how- ever leaden, should be preferred to him who had published but a duodecimo, though this last was merum sal ; that puns and trite jokes come, with prodigious effect, from the mouth of a Member of Parliament, — if the leading mutes on the same side of the house have but their cue to laugh and applaud at tbe pro- per moments ; that it is not expect* d of a member, — though he be even thirty or forty years in parliament, and bustle perpetually in its business, to make himself tolerably ac- quainted with i he forms of the house; that, simply to speak, at all hazards, and in what- ever manner, is much more important, than to have any anxiety about what one should say. The political paragraphs in newspa- pers, arc shreds of speeches, or, to pursue NEWSPAPERS. flic similitude, bits of rags, or ends of tli reads, put up to look as like as possible to shreds of speeches. It is common for an hem lot Hackney of a newspaper editor to take a favorite speech, such as that of a RobsoH) a Burdett, or a Sheridan^ and to do with it as I remember to have with some brother bucks of the time, done some fifty years since, with Fanny Murry" s shoe, at the Castle Tavern. The damask upper part we had tossed up in a ragout: the sole we had minced for us : the wooden- heel was cut into very thin slices, fried in batter, and placed round the dish for garnish. This fancy in cookery made an odd show : but, the dish was not good eating. Yet, the ex- travagance of the hour excited us, all, to contend — who should praise it the most. Now, the tritical sentiments in these disjecta membra of a Parliamentary Orator's speech, are quite as tritical in paragraphs, as in the continuity of the speech itself: the puns are just as silly, in the one way, as in the other : the ponderous phrases big with no meaning* D S4f PRELIMINARY EDUCATION, appear peculiarly unmeaning, when they jstand single, each upon its own feet only ; the political lies have less of the. art and power of lies, if presented singly on com- mon newspaper authority, than when they come in, phalanx after phalanx, junctis urn- bonibus, and upon a member of parliament's honourable asservation. The paragraphs cut out of a speech are a mere disguised dish of nothings, in the French taste, just as much as were our shreds of silk, timber, and old leather. The one may have, in them, as little zest and instruction to the mind, as tlnere was, in the other, of nourishment io the stomach, or of poignant relish to the palate. But, as the extravagance of intox- ication and of dissolute gallantry made that fricassee of whore's shoe, the favourite dish upon our supper- table ; so the general pas- sion for politics, scandal, newspapers, and nonsense ; together with the general low state of intelligence respecting Political affairs ; render the farrago of paragraphs that I speak of— the most important by their influence NEWSPAPERS, upon public opinion, — the most valuable to the destined M. P. as hints, maxims, and beauties to be committed to memory, — a school, in truth, of all the effectively good things of parliamentary eloquence and wis- dom. I must, incessantly repeat to the can- didates for eminence in parliament, that it is not. for them to regard the common distinc- tions and epithets of morality or criticism. They are to study only what will hare ef- fect and influence in parliamentary business. That, that alone, is to be to them*, in speech, in willing, in action ; the Good, the True., the Eloquent, the Beautiful, the Sublime'. This principle, I intreat the reader to bear fresh in his remembrance while he proceeds through the rest of these admonitions. The leading articles are, it is true, distinguished from the others, but by greater length, superior boldness in ribbaldry, and more remarkable temerity in absurd decision. But. they are the most universally and eagerly read. They furnish to cotTee-house politicians their supply of speculation nnd PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. eloquence for the day. They even pirt arguments into the mouths oi speakers in parliaments They exercise, in this manner, an influence incalculably powerful upon the course of public opinion. They enter into the verv substance of the minds of English- men. They have become to honest John Bull, a sort of stupefying dose that he can no m >re do without, than can aTurk live with- out opium, or a sailor, when he gets ashore at Plymouth, deny himself the use of trulls, grog, or tobacco. If what was mean and trivial be exalted by any accident, to great power and effect : it is trivial no longer. The cackling of a goose, if it save a capital, is preferable to the death-song of a swan. A garnish, of asses brains may be, upon occasion, worth its weight in gold. It is in the spirit of modern manufacture, to turn the vilest materials to the most important uses : and wherever this is done eifectually, the inven- tion by which it is accomplished becomes inestimable. If I can do with oyster shells, what you cannot perform without a combus- NEWSPAPERS, 37 lion of diamond, or a solution of oriental pearls ; have not I infinite advantage over you in this point of comparison. Even the vilest linen rags may be manufactured into the richest wire- woven paper. How foolish were it, then, to despise the power of the Leading Articles^ on account of the meanness or in- congruity of their materials ? CobbelCs Works. But, if among tilings of this nature, there •were any one worthy of decisive preference, I should particularly recommend the weekly pamphlets of that great wit and profound statesman Mr. Cobbett . Never was there another such instance, of what power may be exercised over English understandings by all that the critic, the classical scholar, the philosopher, and even the man of tolerably refined common sense, pretend to despise. His logic may be, perpetually, that of the madman.^ who from wrong principles, draws conclusions which are not rightly deducible 38 PRELIMINARY £ DUCAT I OK. ■ ■ - — -■ . • . '■ . ' ■ ■ •' . ■ ■ . . . .. . . __ -——« from them, — or, that of the ideot who, how-> ever right his principles, has not energy of thought to reason rightly from them. Let his quotation of proverbs be abundant and indiscriminating as that of Saneho Panza* Let his rhetoric remind one only of sour smalt-bear from Chiswell-street, and of spoil- ed ox-gail from Clare-market. Grant, that never man exercised such imperious annihi- lating despotism over the rules of grammar since father Adam gave their proper names to the brutes. I contend not that even all the heroes of the Dunciad, and all their succes* sors mustered together, could exhibit a richer or more varied abundance of examples, of the Bathos, than the pages of Cobbct alone afford. I will even own, that his pranks in geography and chronology, exercise a power over time and space which not Homer nor Shakespeare ever knew. Nor shall I insist, that Sir Gregory Gazette is not in compari- son with him, a very Argus of early and cor- rect intelligence ; the Upholsterer of Murphy a miracle of political sagacity and foresight. cobbet's works. 39 I even agree wtth his opponents, that malice turns from poison to vapid filth — as it distils from his pen : — his versatility of principle I shall not deny to be that of a weathercock. But, what of all this ? his weekly pamphlets are eagerly purchased by members of parlia- ment, and by other persons of the same rank of life and intelligence. They are praised, quoted, and referred to, by all but mere pedants in taste and humdrum wisdom. Peers and commoners, lords spiritual and temporal give Cobbet for an authority, sooner than Blackstone, Hattell, the Bible, or the Journals of either House. Mr. W m never proposed to erect a statue of gold to his master, B — ke. Of what obligations of inspiration and instruction must he not, then, have been conscious towards Cobbet, when he could, in the house of Commons, make such a proposition in his favor, as to erect, in honour of his political genius, his statue in solid gold. There is scarce a country gen- tleman in England, whose understanding is not either above or under the common level of 40 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. intellect in honest John Bull's family, but takes in Gobbet's register. Many an inge- nious man of other consequence in society, prides himself in writing letters for insertion in Gobbet's numbers, which, though anony- mous^ are not without marks to indicate the author to their particular friends. These facts mark the importance of the study of Gobbet's register. Not that I would expect of our young Oxford or Cambridge bachelor to read every number of this precious work. Who, indeed 5 does read it ? To buy it, to pay for it, to mark the contents, to cull from it some few flowers of Billingsgate abuse, and some paradoxes of Gotham politics, will be quite enough. But, if this be repeated, week after week, till Gobbet cease to write, the student will become more entirely master of all this political sage's wisdom, than if he should set to, in a manner too intemper- ate, — and should like a certain famous States- man and orator, (surely not Mr. S y "\y M ? ) endeavour to commit to me- morg, verhatuniy the whole works of Peter cobbet's works. 41 Porcupine. It is enough that you be able to say boldly, that you " have seen the Cob- • \>st of last week," and to declaim with violence in its praise. Should you, by any accident, afterwards betray, in conversation, that you have been extolling that which you had not read : even the pedants will forgive you when you shall briskly reply, that you u had rather praise than read it." Who, indeed, docs, now, think it necessary to read any new publication, before he assumes the authority of extolling or condemning it ? Must the ass swallow the thistle before he shall be at liberty to reject it as too dry and rotten even for his taste? Shall the groom be compelled to chew and digest every sample of hay and oats that is presented to him, in order to his making a choice for his horses ? Is it forbidden, to praise a beautiful woman, or to run from the presence of a diseased and ugly one, without having kissed her eyes a thousand times, sucked her breath, and twin- ed her to one's bosom ? Finally, of the works 42 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. of Cobbet, I can only say farther. Nocturne! versate manu^ versate diurnd. Use of Dancing to a Statesman. The last think I should wish to recom- mend in the home-education of the future minister, is that he be carefully instructed in the if art of dancing/' The humdrum and the ignorant may laugh at such a pro- position : but, men of refined sense and deep penetration will receive it in a very different manner. Who has not heard of the Jrench candidate for public employment, whose pe- tition, though presented in Balzac prose, in Quinault poetry, and even sung in Lulli music 5 would, after all, have failed, if he had not luckily bethought himself of pro- posing to dance it, and danced it with such grace and power, that his patron could no longer deny him any thing ? What have not Chancellors and Chancellors of the Ex- chequer, got, in this country, by their pro- fe OF DAXCIXG, 8CC. 45 ftfcfeflrcy in Dancing? There is, ia fact, much more of a mysterious connexion be- e head and the heels, than the world is well aware of. Mr. P — t, financial minis- ter of the country, at a time when its resources abundant and improving, might con- trive to find the ways and means, year after 5 without possessing genius to run a reel, to walk a minuet, to cut capers in a horn- pipe, or to lead down a country-dance. But, was not the country ruined by such rs on ? Were not its financial resources exhausted almost irretrievably, when he es- A by death from the difficulties into which he had been unable to hinder affairs from declining ? Who but a successor, the 111 ely 3 et regulated movement of whose heels was continually jogging the inventive powers of his head, could have been able to restore and maintain public credit in a crisis like this : Who but a Chancellor of the Exche- quer with talents, and a culture of them, that would qualify him even to be master of the ceremonies at Margate, or the very first 44 PRELIMINARY EDUCATION. r of Scotch steps, in London, could have so ingeniously contrived to find so much of the supplies for 1806, by an increase of the direct taxes. 5 — taxes which, taking the subjects money out of his pocket, with- out suffering him to suppose, that he has bought with it, any thing to consume, whether luxury or necessary, thus oblige him to feel ail the value of the sacrifice that is extorted from him, — taxes which operate upon John Bull, in the true spirit of the Roman tyrant's direction to his executioner, Ita feriri ut se sentidt meri. Who but a financier of dancing practise, could have so dexterously taken up the pig-iron of the country to be taxed — and then so nimbly shoved it down, and from him, again ? There was the very skill of a ballet-master in the care to enlarge the treasury company with the new auditors of accompts. Besides, as the steps, in dancing, beat time to music ; why may they not beat time, also to the oper- ation of arithmetic, and to the details of Fi- nancial calculation ?■ A wise and spirited USE 0I< DANCING, in newspapers and posting-bills. On the hustings, let him spare no boldness of ribbaldry, no magnificence of self-applause, no impudence of false pre- tence, no delusion of vain hope and decoy* "GREAT BOROUGH ELECTION, &C. 77 ing promise. Let him not hesitate to em- ploy against his opponents such flatness of contradiction and such virulence of reproach as would expose any other man to the neces- sity of giving satisfaction in single combat. But, our hero is safe : he is no fighting man z he is content to be but a Bourgeois Gent'd- homme : he chuses much rather to scold without drawing blood, like the heroes and chiefs of antiquity, than to Chalk Farm it like a Mactiamara. Let him, then, proceed with this spirit in his [career till the elec- tion shall necessarily close. Is he returned ? It is well. Are his expectations frustrated ? Still, let him boast a victory* — Let him loudly complain of unfair practices by his opponents. Let him petition the proper tri- bunal against the return that excludes ; and let him renew all his calumnies, outrageous clamours, and disingenuous tricks, while he solicits the cause of his petition. Should he, by all these means, ultimately succeed ; one considerable height is gained in the scale of his ambition- If he fail entirely ; and if his for- 78 OF ELECTIONS. tune sli^ll have been, in this wild-gooe chace exhausted ; let him return to exercise his ac- tivity in the practices by which he, at the first, got his fortune. These will, at once, give scope, as before, to the restlessness of his genius, and prepare, and perhaps bring him, with additional experience, a second fortune more suitable than what he, at first, possessed, to the boldness of his political ambition. Or he may call to his friends of the rabble to make up to him what he has ex- pended in following their counsels, and shewing them game. They will not fail of being as generous to him, as they were to John Wilkes, or at least, to Sir W — tk — n L— ^- — s. Government Boroughs and Counties. A considerable number of boroughs and even counties are ever, at elections, under the decisive influence of government. This hap* pens in two ways. Either the majority of the electors are the tenants, hired servants, or GOVERNMENT BOROUGHS, &C. 79 immediate dependents of the crown; or else the borough or county in question is laid, as it were, at the feet of ministers, by some Commoner or Peer, who possesses the entire controul over it. In either of these cases, the true freedom of election may be said to be overthrown. But, such is the natural course of human things, in the present im- perfect condition of humanity. Govern- ment must engross all the powers it can lay hold of, otherwise these wiil be seized by those who seek to atchieve its dissolution : and, on the other hand, the subjects must >trive as much as possible to enlarge their iil>erties, lest they should be reduced into abject servitude, even by the best of govern- ments. On both sides there may be a viola- tion of the principles of patriotism and of delicate moral rectitude, which neither party can satisfactorily defend. But, the impar- tial spectator must acknowledge ; that if prejudices, prepossessions, and self-interests operate on the one side ; it is, in the general ceconomy of things, not unfortunate, that 80 OF ELECTIONS. they should be counteracted by similar in- terests and prejudices from the other side. If government did not maintain an extensive election-influence, by such means as it has in its hands ; its dissolution would be quickly atchieved by the selfish and factious abuse of the election-influence of private persons. If, on the other hand, the elections were, univer- sally, made without the interference of any spirit of opposition to the government ; free- dom of election would soon fall into des- quietude ; and the liberties of the constitu- tion would be extinguished. All this, how- ever, only illustrates that admirable order of Providence which, in moral and intellectual, as well in material nature, is constantly de- ducing good out of evil. It does not at all justify the votaries whether of government or of opposition, in acting upon other motives at elections, than those of the purest patriotism. Now I should not absolutely forbid the adventurer whom I have educated for making his fortune by politics, to ac- cept the representation of a government GOVERNMENT BOROUGHS, &C. 81 boroughs, if he cannot otherwise obtain a seat in the house. It is not however, in my judg* ment, the most eligible representation for such a person. I explain under another head, that it is better to make one's first efforts on the side of opposition. Some of the places of which the elections I re entirely in the power of government, are filled with inhabitants in the immediate em- ployment of the government ; and of course, therefore, unwilling to give offence and risk dismissal by thwarting its wishes. That such people should lose their elective franchises because the government happens to have em- ployed them, were unreasonable. On the other hand, their votes cannot be given, M such a situation, duly unbiassed. In other cases, peers or commoners with great election interest, resign the benefit of that interest to ministers upon certain condi- tions. It is scarce possible, that any arrange- ment of this nature should not be in contra- vention of the laws of patriotism and of recti- tude. But, what have politicians to do with G OF ELECTIONS, a visionary morality, that cannot be exem- plified in the ordinary conduct of mankind? A part, likewise, of the election influence of government, consists in the assemblage of the separate and private election interests of its different ministers. It is but reasonable, that he who fills an high office, and enjoys a large salary, should bring to government a vote or two in parliament, The votes which are in this way ensured to government, come fairly : for, it cannot be dishonest or unfair in any man to give his voice, in the senate, in favour of measures which he has, himself, upon mature deliberation, recommended in the cabinet. The union of those several spe- cies of interest, it is that gives the govern- ment that ascendancy in the legislature, with- out which its necessary business could not proceed. . OPPOSITION BOROUGHS. 83 Oppositio7i Boroughs. A part of the election interest of the coun- try is, ever, necessarily in the hands of men .whom the spirit of party, or perhaps wor- thier principles, move to employ it in oppo- sition to the government. These are great peers and commoners, who aspire continually to thwart an administration in which they are not themselves the principals. Their elec- tion conduct is not more praise- worthy than that of the supporters of the government ; neither is it more dishonorable and unpatrio- tic. A young adventurer in parliament who has not a close borough of his own, cannot do better than accept the representation of *iny opposition borough for which he can get brought in, free of trouble and expense. On this side, he will have opportunity to gain advantages of reputation, to affect an out- rageous patriotism, and to act with a bold independence not so easily possible for him who begins his political career as a mere creature of the government. 84 OF ELECTIONS. Election Agents. Among the many improvements in the arts which distinguish the close of the eight- eenth century and the beginning of the pre- sent, is one that reduces borough-monging to a system, in which every thing desirable is atchieved, as it were, by a few regular -operations of machinery. We have now, surveyors of boroughs, just as well as survey- ors of lands and buildings : we have agents, who, with the address and the plain business management of any money-lender or auc- tioneer, are ready to find to venal electors the purchaser who will give the highest price, and to men of opulence desiring to become legislators, the prize they want, for the money they are willing to lavisju One of these election agents shall, per- haps, be a man that has forfeited his preten- ds to {§& Stiu^^ciz by ul notorious acts of perjury and bad faith. He may have betrayed those whom he ensnared to the guilt OPPOSITION BOROtGHS. 85 of bribery ; and may have had even his true evidence against them slighted, on account of the general turpitude of his conduct. Let him be such a person as no man would yield himself to the contamination of associating with, but to employ him to the uses of his vocation. — Yet, let him, on the other hand, possess, or pretend to possess, some tolerable knowledge of the state of election influence at most of the boroughs in the kingdom > let him be known among the voters, as aman practised in all the foul arts of election in- trigue ; let him get recommended for skill in such arts, to those who are prompted to aspire to be legislators, more by the vanity of affluence than by conscious wisdom. He shall not, in this case, fail to be made much of on an election year ; he shall negotiate not a little of election business ; and he shall, at this time, perhaps pocket money enough for his subsistence in luxury till another seventh year's harvest returns. It will be the safer to use him, since he has previously forfeited all character [to that degree, that. 86 OF ELECTIONS. if he should even, upon any misunderstand- ing, go to betray his principal, his testimony could not, in any court of law, obtain faith against you. There is another sort of election-under- taker, who executes things of this nature upon a scale still greater. He may be either banker or contractor, so he but possess the most prompt command of money to an immense amount. He anticipates the approach of the season of election, and by the aid of subor- dinate agents, and the lavish distribution of his money, holds himself in readiness to se- cure the election of any representative lie pleases for any of the boroughs of which others were not irrevocably masters before he commenced his enterprise. He then, as it were, opens shop for the general accommo- dation of the opulent who wish to have seats in parliament. He is known, and is .resorted to 5 he fails not to get at least cent, per cent* by the gigantic speculation, besides the crc* dit of engrossing a prodigious election in- fluence. Should his creatures even betray opposition boroughs. S7 him to the cognizance of parliament, and of the courts of justice, yet, having' gained his object, he needs riot distress himself in re- gard to any punishment which justice can now inflict upon him. A sentence ex- pressed in language of severity — a few months of easy imprisonment — what harm can these do him ? They do not take away his fortune ; they do not exclude him out o '. the society in which he has hitherto lived they serve, if any thing, to give new lustre to his character, by displaying the extent and the magnitude of his electioneering' transactions. There are,, yet, other inferior agents, whose services are but temporary, and who work as occasional hacks for the dispatch of dirty jobs at elections. These are the per- sons to excite riots, to harangue in the midst ef the mobs, to muster ballad-singers, to pro- vide and disperse hand-bills, to hire ficti- tious voters, to embarrass the progress of the poll by the arts which they know how to practice when they are employed as inspect 88 OF ELECTIONS. tors of it. But, in respect to these persons^ I must refer you for information to the prac- tice of electors in E d, and to the works of Mr. W m C 1. It is what I would not counsel our political adventurer to take any concern in ; not on account of its turpitude, but because he is to reserve his talents, his efforts, his intrigues, for occasions «f higher importance. CHAPTER III. TRIALS OF ELECTIONS BEFORE COMMITTEES* The last toil is not over when a gentleman has been returned, and has taken his seat in the house; Petitions may be presented against the return ; and the member must then await the decision of a committee. He cannot influence the ballot for the committee ; but he may, otherwise, thwart the petition which comes to disturb him. He may feign occasions of delay, so as to tire out the pa- tience of the petitioner, or to deprive him §0 TEIAM OF ELECTIONS of the attendance of his witnesses. Counsel skilful to perplex and embarrass evidence may be procured to cross-examine the peti- tionees witnesses. The short-hand writers may be disturbed or corrupted. If the sit- tings of the committee be continued for any length of time, may not some of them be gained to view the sitting member r s rights with the same favour with which he himself views them ? There was a time, when it was not so much the legality of the return, as the presumed politics of the member petitioned against, that guided the decision for or against him. These times are past. It re- quires infinite address in a member that sits upon a bad return, to keep his seat, in spite of a well-grounded petition and a trial by a committee chosen by ballot : but may not the thing be atchievedby a man of true vigilance, insinuation, and delicate artifice ? Let no man, having before him an object of such, consequence as a seat in parliament and the discharge of the legislative functions, hesi- tate to put in practice the necessary arts* REFORE COMMITTEES. 91 Since lus ultimate object is so great and good, i( cannot be Ills duty to brggle about the moans. Get into the house^ fairly if you can; but, at all rates, get into the house : Once in the house^ sutler neither Heaven nor Hell to exclude you from it ! On the other hand, the motives to petition against a return, are natural and strong. Ig a candidate to give up his cause, even after tlve trouble and expense of an election, as long as he can indulge the smallest hope of prosecuting it to full success ? Are voters to suffer the loss of their power and rights, by too tamely yielding to the ascendency of a rival party ? Never. Petition, then, against any election of which the issue disappoints your hopes, if there be the smallest pro- bability of your so petitioning with effect. Pursue your petition with spirit and ad- dress, to an ultimate trial of the merits of the election. Leave no act untried, no stone unturned, to gain the victory. I do not counsel you to do, as some are said to have dom> : and frame open conspiracies to be 92 TRIALS OF ELECTIONS, &C too easily detected. But raise your out- cry loud ; muster an host of willing and forward witnesses ; endeavour to outwit your opponent, as to the conveniences of time and attendance ; scruple not at sub- ornation, if it can be managed with utility and without danger of discovery ; spread every report you can devise, to render your opponen's character and cause popularly odious ; tamper with the C e ; if this may be done with any prospect of suc- cess ; be shrewd and liberal in dealing with the short-hand writers ; try to bring the whole public to espouse your cause, with an ear- nestness by which even P 1 and its C e may be overawed. Should you, in this ultimate stage, prevail, your triumph will be more glorious, than if you had, with ease, earried you election at the first. ; CHAPTER IV. FIRST EXERTIONS IN THE HOUSE. All preliminary difficulties are now sur- mounted ; and my political disciple, with all the accomplishments I taught him to acquire, is, now, in the house. it has been my advice to him, not to en- ter oil the side of the administration, if he could possibly avoid it. I shall suppose him, then, to give the first specimen of his talents as a new auxiliary of opposition. Opposition will not [presume to lay those ©4 FIRST EXEHTIONS restraints upon his forwardness and promp- titude of speech, to which he would be obliged to submit on the other side. Let him own, then, no restraint ; stand boldly forward on every occasion upon which mi- nistry may be outrageously arraigned, or on which their measures and principles may be remarkably dissented from. The wishes of the people are ever the most in favour of him who flies fearlessly in the face of the power to which they are themselves under a neces- sity to be obedient : and it will, therefore, tend the most essentially to gain to our young politician, a popularity which may be after- wards a rich estate to him, if he shall, at his outset, profess himself the zealous advocate of the doctrines the most adverse to those of the members of the administration, and the most wildly romantic in favour of popular liberty. Let him evince a determination to press into notice at all adventures. To speak, to speak promptly, to speak even with effron- tery, are the grand objects he is to h>ave in IN THE IIOTTSE. view. If his speech bo fluent, his manner unembarrassed, and his voice sonorous — this is enough. Is a proposition moved to harass ministers ; let him be the first to support it. Do ministers ask the necessary supplies ; let him question the truth of their statements ; ridicule the unskilfulness of their ways and means ? accuse their profusion and pecula- tion ; impeach their incapacity ; refuse the supplies they ask ; protest, that his country should be left to perish rather than be saved by the compliance with such men, and the adoption of such measures as theirs. Do they communicate, by his majesty's command, new treaties with foreign powers ? let not the young senator hesitate to arraign those treaties, as making a sacrifice of the wealth and honour of tiie empire, for no good end. This he may do, though not duly acquainted with the relations and the interests to which such treaties have respect : it is enough for him to arraign with spirit : — The public, the other members of the op- position, and even the ministers accused, $6 FIRST EXERTIONS will soon find for him more of meaning, truth, and justice, than he thought of when lie devised his charges. He must not think of persuading the peo- ple to embrace any r new notions of his own in politics. On the contrary, let him reli- giously espouse those political opinions to which the populace have been always the most zealously attached. The common- places of popular error should make ever the creed of him who aspires to rise as a politi- cian, By the favour of the people. Let him not hesitate to adopt principles, and to urge them upon the reception of ministers, eveij the most incompatible with the existence of all good government. When he shall rise himself, at some future time, to be a minis- ter r lie may, after the greatest examples^ condemn and abjure the most boldly those very popular opinions which he now pro- claims with the most outrageous affectation of enthusiasm He can never be a great po- ( litician who docs not while out of office pro- fess opinions the most expressly contradic- IN THE HOUSE. 97 tory of those upon which, when in office, [he must, of necessity, act. There is no dis- grace in tergiversation, which has been sanc- tioned by the practice of statesmen and ora- tors the most illustrious. Honi soit qui mal y pense. Let him distinguish himself by frequent motions for the production of papers. It is not necessary, that he should, in all cases, know what to do with the papers, if lie ob- tain them. The demand will give an air of indefatigable attention to parliamentary busi- ne s. Ministers will gain by him, sometimes the praise of frankness and candour for grant- ing readily that which he demands, some- times that of firmness for refusing such papers with invincible steadiness. The subject will give him many opportunities of harmless speechification. The clerks in the offices will feel grateful to him for giving them work to kill the spleen and ennui which might, otherwise, in a maimer, eat them up. The printers will be doubly thankful for the good jobs he thus procures for them. The news- H FIRST ""EXERTIONS paper-writers will exceedingly rejoice, that so many valuable materials are put in print in such a way that they may reprint them in piecemeal, to enrich their papers. In fact, the services are beyond calculation great, which may be derived from this spirit of con- tinually calling for papers. Many a mem- ber, incapable of teazing ministers in any other way, has harassed them to death by alarms about papers which they could not divine what use he was to make of. I would particularly recommend to the young adventurer, to dabble a little in mat- ters of public expenditure and revenue, from the first hour of his entrance into the house. This is a subject on which even the dullest of men may shine, the very meanest rise to im- portance. Between a government and the representatives of the people, the money- concerns are ever those of the first conse- quence. The multiplicity and intricacy of the public accounts will easily afford, at all times, room for misapprehension and for ca vil. Whether you mistake^ or pretend to IX THE HOUSE. 99 mistake something* in this or that accompt laid upon the table, or whether you actually detect some pigmy error, — 'tis quite the same. Exclaim against negligence, financial inca- pacity, and falsification* Boast the acute- ness and care with which you have made the discovery. Argue from it, that no financial statement whatever from such ministers can deserve credit. Proceed even to deny the supplies they ask, on the ground of their inability to present correct estimates. Should it be yourself, not the ministerial accompt, that is in error ; you may, however, by ve- hemence and pertinacity of affirmation, make the case appear to many, both within and out of the house, to be expressly the reverse- Detect but a real error of 191. 10s. you shall perhaps overturn a government by the detec- tion. Not to content yourself with now and then pointing out an error in a particular ac- compt, let me recommend to you, in order to get at the very height of financial reputa- tion, that you take occasionally the general scheme of accompts for the year ; calculate !00 FIRST EXERTIONS its particiilars with same variation of the data; leaving out at pleasure some items, adding others ; then present this as a scheme of the debts and expenditure of the state in which the frauds and errors of that of minis- ters are most conspicuously exposed. This is the way to get reputation that shall, one day, raise you to the highest financial em- ployment. Sic itur ad astra. Suffer no occasion to escape upon which ^ffirsfets may be accused of the foulest cor- ^pEioffi, and the most profligate improvident TOist&iSf the public money. Accuse with the confidence of conviction from demonstrative evidence. Spread, in private, doubtful ISSes df Jtrilt much deeper than that which you have in public imputed. Gain the populace, and the newspapers which are the most noto- rious channels of calumny, to repeat with tenfold exaggeration, all that you alledge, Overpower the simplicity of as many as pos- sible of your weak but well-meaning brother memlbers : win the profligate by shewing them theptOfelp^ct ofted&ffi^thteir^wii thahicfer^ IN THE HOUSE. 101 in making themselves parties to the utter ruin of those of the men in official power: inveigle even the honest and sound-minded into the same snare, by teaching them to consider it as their duty to the people to be fiercely and implacably vindictive against every sem- blance of pecuniary malversation in public office: invite the ambition, avarice, and i§- \cnge of the very leaders of opposition , by presenting the prospect of an entire expul- sion of their opponents from the strong holds of official power; then urge the representa- tives of the people into partial, bastjy ill- considered enquiry: and ere they shall have time for candid reflexion, urge them to a vote that shall begin the process against the ob- jects of your accusation, by consigning them to punishment before trial ! This is the very consummation of accusatory art and elo- quence. There is no pitch of official great- ness to which he who atchieves all this, shall not have a right to arrive. What although the law and its incorruptible interpreters should, afterwards, rescue the victims from 202 FIRST EXERTIONS your gripe before you can pursue their con- demnation and punishment to the last extre- mity ; it [is not to be doubted but you may have tortured them, before, to the most ex- cruciating wretchedness. I have already recommended to you to speak, at all adventures, with indefatigable pertinacity and unconquerable boldness. I now add, that you ought to speak more for the galleries than for the house. The re- porters in their galleries are to be the trum- peters of your fame. Much of the public consequence you are to acquire as a debater in parliament must depend on the accounts they shall give of your harangues. Hollow out, then, your words with stunning loudness ; give them swelling, pompous phrases ; in- termingle such puns and hacknied jokes as even they themselves might use ; be not soli- citous of connected unity in your orations ; regard not grammatical exactness in the structure of your periods; do not even harass yourself to study any natural train and suc- cession in your language and thoughts : let IN THE HOUSE. 203 only your stream of speech ification flow tur- bid, impetuous, and sonorous : your report- ers will then catch all of it that they are competent to convey to the public : let them but hear you — hear you to speak as much as possible in their own slang ! It is not necessary for your harangues to be always long. A sally of pointed flippancy will, at times, stand you more in stead than a speech of several hours length. But, long speeches must be made from fc time to time. It has been, these thirty years, the fashion in a certain country, to estimate the talents vi an orator and statesman by the length of his harangues. He who can speak for five hours together, is, by two hours, a more elo- quent, a greater man, than he whose longest speech has not exceeded three hours. A long speech reported, at length, in the newspapers, makes the public stand at gaze. Perhaps not one reads it carefully to an end. Those who read the most of it, attend only to its occasional flashes and witticisms ; not ex- pecting to find it every where equal, bqcause 1$4 FIRST EXERTIONS they do not suppose the reporter UpMwmi done any thing like justice to the sense and spirit of the speaker. Its parts, too, are given, in the report, huddled together in a confused mass, which the reader judges not easy to be avoided, and which, therefore, ex- cuses to his mind whatever seems to detract from the worth of the original. Let, then, a speech be long, let it be bold, let it be vehe- ment on the side of the darling prejudices and vulgar errors of the multitude ; he whp has spoken it will soon be famed throqghout the empire, as the greatest of orators. The short, flippant speeches of a few minutes are generally those which do the greatest execu- tion in the business of the house. The long- winded harangues prove of the greatest ser- vice out of doors. Nay, even within the house, and with members old or new, loqua- cious or speechless, a beginner must not hope to establish his reputation and authority com- pletely till he shall have shewn, that he is qualified to surpass others in the talent of holding out in discourse, The good parlia- ijf.THE ..Heirs*,. 105 mentary speaker is, like the able and skilful boxer, he who can stand the action for the greatest number of rounds. That characte- ristic praise which Goldsmith has, in ridicule, ascribed to his disputatious schoolmaster is the very praise to be, in many instances, the most ambitiously affected by our adventurer in political oratory. " In arguing, too, the parson own'dhis skill : " For, e'entho' vanquish'd, he could argue still j & While words of learned length and thunde'idh^ TofiHtf * Amaz'd the gaping rustics gathered rouri'd; " ti oi noii • ■ 106 FIRST EXERTIONS CHAPTER V- THE SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED, m ! — I should expect, that, after the peculiar advantages he has had, in his education^ ftom infancy upwards, the young orator whom I strive to form, can be at no loss for words, nor should he be at a loss for matter, half nonsense with some glimmerings of sense, His studies of the Morning Post and other daily newspapers, may have given him an ample supply of all that. These studies he must continue still : they are the only stu- dies with which he shall need to trouble bin*- IX THE HOUSE. 107 self. He must read his own speeches, that he may have the [pleasure to admire, how much wiser a man he is, than he could have supposed himself. He will, of course, read the speeches of others, in order to mark how very much they fall, in wit and eloquence, short of his own. He must still dwell upon the remarks and reflexions of the newspaper editors, as the very school of political wis- dom, He must still drink up their puns, and points, and witticisms, with the most attentive eagerness. These are to be, by him, again produced, from time to time, as the flowers and the nose-jewels of his elo- quence. In this study of 4he newspapers, he must be constant through life : but, it is almost the only toil in book-learning to which he is to be confined. Learned quotations are so much afFected in the eloquence of parliament, that our young adventurer cannot forego their use. But, let him beware of Greek quotations : these would make his brother- members ptick up their ears, and 6tate -somewhat tbo IOS Flttif MLEftTIONS wildl y. Quotations from the wits and phi- l<^Ophersof France, are not just now high in vogue. The Latin is the favourite lan- guage for parliamentary quotations. It at once evinces learning and is not too remote from the familiar : Latin let him, then, quote in profusion. But, whence derive an ade- quate store of lines, sentences, and apo- phthegms ? From the small remains of his school Latin — firom those collection of lines and sentences, the common subterfuges of school-boys poaching for their themes — from even honest Lilly's rules and examples in grammar, if better aid may not be obtained. The parson who, for want of other Latin, retailed Lilly's rules in his sermons, soon won the esteem of an audience which, if he had not thought of this expedient, he must have entirely lost.— Let the orator beware of of quoting from the Latin, any of those dis- tinct sentences which are pregnant with golden maxims of wisdom, and have been, therefore, quoted so often as to be in almost every scholar's memory, and to meet us in a!- IN Till* HOUSE. 109 most every book we open. He would give no proof of recondite learning who should quote in this fashion. No! let him give such fragments of lines and periods as were never before exhibited separately, and cannot by themselves be explained into clear sense. This will shew a deep acquaintance with the classics, infinitely above quoting their mere common-place beauties. It will seem as if his quotations came because he has more Latin than his head can hold. This expe- dient to gain a renown for deep classical erudition, has been employed with success, by so many parliamentary orators, that to adopt it, will be only following an approved and laudable precedent. Minute attention to the forms of the house, is not essentially necessary. That petty care may well be left to the speaker, to the clerks, and to such old members whose minds are loo puny and feeble to have been, ever fit far any of the morq exalted tasks of intellect, The most -eminent orators will, without a blu.b,- bl, H nder ;) tlie raff cgregjo,usJy, and 110 FIRST EXERTIONS ■ " ■ - - , . . ■ - . rrz^- after very long parliamentary experience, in matters of form. Scorn, then , the solicitous study of the forms of the house, as other great orators have been accustomed to scorn it. The knowledge of them could never give any thing of dashing consequence and fame to your character. In a house of parliament, as elsewhere, it may be much less difficult to speak with force and fluency, than to obtain a 'patient hearing. The senior speakers are not always pleased to see juniors start up to rival them in the claim upon the time and attention of the house. They are apt to deride the brisk- ness of the young orator ; they will turn his serious harangues to ridicule with a few smart words; and disappoint his attempts at wit, by wearing a cold serious face when he fan- cies that he is irresistibly to provoke all that hear him to split their sides- with laughter. Although themselves in perpetual blunders respecting the forms of the house, they are malicious enough to watch and expose his blunders. When he is, at any time, in the IN THE HOUSE. J 11 very best part of his happiest and most ela- borate effort in eloquence; they will raise some signal-coughs which shall drown his voice by circulating quite round and through the house. At other times the cry of " hear " him ! hear him I" shall be slyly raised by those good-natured friends, and prolonged and echoed by all their pack around them ;. so as to render it impossible that he should be heard, just at the critical moment when he desired it the most ; or to make that to be heard with ridicnle or indignation from which this young orator was expecting to gather the truest applause. Now, against these arts of muzzling the mouth, my young orator will have, for a time, a difficult struggle. But, he must begin with ensuring attention by an affecta- tion of timid modesty which is not, however, to put any restraint upon his real, heartfelt boldness. By his manner and attentions of civility, he may bespeak or seem to bespeak the favour of some of the old speechiiiers, aud of some of those fox-hunting country- 112 FIRST EXERTIONS gentlemen who, though no orators them- selves, admirably prompt or check the ora- tory of others, by the same notes which they are wont to address to their hounds in the chace. He must then, learn to use a language of ambiguity and cajole, which shall make the members on the two sides, — each anxious to know whether he is not about to declare for them, — and each willing to listen a little longer, with patience, in the hope to hear that approbation of itself which it the most anxiously desires. On some great occasion, when an attempt is made to cough or call him down, let him summon up all his firmness and effrontery ; shew that he is not to be put to silence by any indirect dis- ingenuous art ; throw into his elocution a force of voice not to be drowned by the buzz around him ; and, with an indignant manly air, profess himself resolved to have the full benefit of that liberty of speech which the orders and privileges of parlia- ment ensure to all its members. That this, doughtiness may not render him odio\is 5 he will IN THE HOUSE. 1J3 do well to yield on other occasions, to the at- tempt? to shorten his harangues. He Vt ill thus evince, that, when he yields, it is not out of feebleness or timidity ; and that when he persists, it is not in obstinacy but in manly prudence. He must shew, too, he is not incapable himself of the arts of cheer- ing other oratersby an air of grave interest- ed attention, of drowning their voices by buzzing cries, coughs, or laughter, of leav- ing the house, when those of whom he would mark contempt, rise to speak, or of demon- strating by his manners, that he thinks that which they advance to be very little worth listening to. By all these arts steadily prac- tised, he will soon prevail against the first attempts to crush the unfledged orator in tile shell. He will be the more successful, if he can meet some of the first endeavours to snub him, with the laughter moving appli- cation of some of those repartees with which he has stored his memory from Cobbet, the Morning Post, and Joe Miller. There is, yet, another advice to be given i 114 FIRST EXERTIONS in regard to the delicate and important ob- ject of securing a fair and seasonable hear- ing. Do not chose those moments to address the house when the interest of the business languishes, and when many of the members are withdrawing, fatigued and impatient. Be careful to seize that moment to arise and utter any longue harrangue you shall have meditated, when the house is full, when the attention and curiosity of the members pre- sent are still fresh, when there is an expecta- tion of an issue to the debate which forbids any member to leave the house, yet does not allow any one to call too importunately for the question, when there is a want of speakers, and on both sides an inclination to hear whether there be any individual present having any thing to say that can give a new turn to the character of the debate. These are the Mulissimu temp or a fundi — the sole occasions upon whichyou may with prudence hazard any length of spcechification. As for your short pointed hits of a minute or two ; these, in- deedj you may venture at any time. I IN THE HOUSE. 115 would, likewise, recommend to you to have a due regard to the convenience and good humour of the reporters. It is to you of the last importance that they report whatever you say, in the greatest prolixity, and in the genuine reporter manner. This, how- ever, they never will do, unless you in the time and manner of your harranguing, yield a good deal to their personal convenience, and to the general convenience of the news- papers which they arc to fill. When one rides an ass; one must yield not a little to the froward nature of the brute. CHAPTER VI. HOW TO ATTAIN TO THE CONSEQUENCE OF A LEADER IN THE HOUSE. It is a consideration of great delicacy ; whether the rising orator and statesman should throw himself, at once, into the arms of any one of the several subordinate parties in the house ? or whether he should not rather stand aloof, and expect a small knot of adherents to gather round himself, such as he may enlarge till it shall involve the whole opposition ? A LEADER IN THE HOtJSE. 117 Were I io give advice, the best that occurs to me, independent of examples ; I should wish him, neither to stand too whimsically aloof, nor yet to enlist himself all at once among the mere grex following any party leader. He may join opposition, in their general aim, upon most great questions, But, let him support his views, if he can, by arguments peculiar to himself. Let him evince, that he votes with them, merely, because they happen to be of his opinion < Let him shew that he is not to be entirely gained without considerable sacrifices and concessions on their part. Let him even make, as if he were not absolutely inacces- sible to advances from the other side ; though if he be wise, he will shun negotiation with ministry, till he shall have risen to higher personal importance. When, at length, the opposition leaders shall, with an air ask his sentiments upon any great measure in which they are about to engage their party ; he may appear as if he were willing to unbosom himself to them, and to throw himself into IIS HOW TO ATTAIN TO BE the arms of the party. But, even now, let liim be upon his guard. Let him abandon himself to them — but seemingly— not abso- lutely and implicitly. Let him watch, whether they be disposed to treat him as a mere follower, or to grant him the conse- quence attached to the rank of a leader. If he deign to act in an inferior part ; he will be condemned to it for life. Never will he be raised to the first rank by others, who does not boldly grasp at it for himself. — When he, again, shall have conceived any design of his own for a motion to harrass ministry, or mend the constitution and the government; let him communicate to the allies who have so begun to coquet with him. Do they encourage his design ? Do they demonstrate great eagerness to co-operate in it ? Do they betray no invidious disposition to snatch its merits out of his hands ? Then he may first regard himself as beginning to be adopted for one of the leaders ; and he may, with less and less hesitation, proceed to make common cause with them* A LEADER IX THE HOUSE. 119 But, amoii£ other methods by which this consequence is to be obtained , there is that of insinuating 1 one's self into the friendship of tlmse who happen to be its present leaders. If they be men of minds open to conviviality, to praise, to friendly affection ; the attempt to win them, may not be difficult. Get dis- tinguished as the favourite companion of their easy hours. Entice them into an incli- nation to embrace you as the auxiliary of their public efforts. Profess yourself their humble disciple. Seem to take, like a ca- meleon, the colour of your mind always from theirs. Refuse not, for a time, to be their drudge in business, and the very Zany of their pleasures. It shall be surprising 1 , if you do not thus quickly rise to divide his in- fluence with any party-leader, however high, or even, perhaps, to swindle him out of it entirely. Political Clubs. You must, at the same time, take care to shew yourself to advantage, at the great po- 120 HOW TO ATTAIN TO HE litical clubs of the party at the head of which you wish to place yourself. There have been times when some of these clubs claimed to be little less important than the whole legislature of their country. Court, then, admission into them. Be industrious to promote frequent and full meetings. Shew yourself bold to distinguish those meetings by violent party toasts. Harangue with spirit ; and make yourself eminent in that knot of members who mutually compliment one another with the praise of being the flower, the pride of the statesmen and orators of the earth, men to whom it is inexpressibly unfortunate for their country, that all her grand public interests are not confided. — To be one of the chiefs of the w — g club, is the next step to being at the head of the parliamentary party out of which that club is formed. Early education has given to my young orator, one other means of putting himself &t the hfead of a patty. He . is a skilful gambler. Let him, then> get introduced A LEADER II* THE HOUSE. 121 into the gaming clubs at which his fellow members amuse themselves with deep play. He may be presumed to be, in this, more an adept than most of them. Without any air of avarice or art then, let him, by coolness, steadiness, and keen vigilance, win as much of their money as he can. Let him take it with seeming indifference ; and scatter it about with profusion. Let him never be a rigorous creditor to those who owe him play- debts upon honour. Let him never so af- front the losing party as to refuse continuing to play because they have no more money left in their pockets. Let him make as if he at- tended the clubs, and entered into play, merely because he likes the society of his gaming friends, and has himself an unlucky •passion for play. Acting thus, he cannot fail to gain an ascendency over the minds of his gaming parliamentary friends, which shall serve him not more in play than in politics. Should he, on the other hand, meet with gamesters more knowing than himself, and be quiekly pigeoned of all he possesses ; even 122 HOW TO ATTAIN TO BE from this misluck he may derive new ad- vantage toward his political success. The soldier who has lost his purse, is ever the most forward to mount a breach. There are great examples to evince , that the loss of a fortune at the gaming-table contributes to render a man desperately bold and pre-emi- nently clever in political oratory. If a los- ing gamester carry up his crest, make light of his misfortune, and bear himself as if he had lost, in a manner, nothing in comparison of what be is still confident to gain in a way much more honourable ; he will command an r admiration in his distress which shall com- pel most other minds to stoop in homage to his Those who have triumphed over him in gaming, will be glad to follow him in po- litics ; and he will have raised a company of political Condottieri at the expense of his whole fortune. Besides, I have supposed him a leader among his companions at school and at the university. It is to be presumed, that he must -now, again, meet with some of these A LEADER IN THE HOUSE. 123 m parliament. They who were proud to follow him In frolics of boyish mischief, and m the fiibt excesses of juvenile dissipation, mny not have yet been able to shake their former reverence for his genius, nor their fondness for his society. All of these, then, whom new and indispensible interests do not engage against him, must become his fol- lowers. If there be yet others of his old school-fellows now on the political field, lads who were too serious, gentle, and bookish, to join him in his early pranks and mischiefs, these will, now, however, see that he is much more a man of business and of the world, than they themselves, with all the pains they have taken to become learned and good ; they will unavoidably bow to his su- perior genius ; and they will, almost insen- sibly, find themselves engaged to follow him in the general train of his politics, and in his parliamentary movements. There is something, also, to be gained by the distinguished pursuit of all the gallantries of the age. My rising orator and statesman 124 HOW TO ATTAIN TO BE, &C. ought to shew himself, if possible, the live- liest and best sustained character at a mas- querade. He should get himself into re- quest, as one whose presence is necessary to give spirit and fashion to every grand route. He is a skilful dancer; and he must take care to have the ladies ready to pull caps, to have him for a partner at every grand ball. He must visit Newmarket ; and he may, once or twice, enter a horse to run, there or on some other race-ground, just to shew that he is not quite ignorant of the sport, nor, more than English gentlemen in general, averse from it. But, I cannot advise him to devote himself passionately to horse-racing, any more than to bull-baiting, cock-fighting, fcoxing, or walking matches. CHAPTER VII. CAREER IN OPPOSITION TILL THE STRONG- HOLDS OF ADMINISTRATION ARE TAKEN BY STORM. I may now suppose the rising Statesman to be very high in the ranks of opposition, and to have accustomed the house of legisla- ture in which he has a seat, to listen with re- spect to his voice on all occasions on which he chooses to address them. What, then ? fs he to abide for ever in opposition ? Or, n he to desert to administration, as soon as he 126 CAREER IN OPPOSITION. can join them upon conditions of great per- sonal advantage ? Abide for ever in opposition? No! No! And to be in too great haste to join adminis- tration, would be, to mar his coming gran- deur. The business, now, is, to lead opposition, campaign after campaign, session after ses- sion, into a warfare continually, more fierce, active, and vigorous, against the enemy. Spare no step of opposition that does not ab- solutely rush to civil war. Arm all the hacks of literature to raise a hue and cry, as if pub- lic opinion were entirely on your side. Be- come the patron of political reveries, subver- sive of all government ; raise a cry for the death-blow given to our liberties, whenever a pickpocket is carried before a magistrate, or a reformer taken in acts openly treasonable, is sent to cool his head and his heels for a few days in confinement. Listen to every invidious tale against the conduct of any of the servants of government, in primacy or subordinate situations ff) and bring thematteij CAREER IN OPPOSITION. 127 by accusatory complaint, before the house. What though the tale should prove to have been groundless, and your taking of it up, should be branded as malicious ? You and your adherents, will have had opportunity, when you moved upon it, to throw a deluge of invective, and of odious imputation, which the nespaper reporters will disseminate over the kingdom, and which will lend exceed- ingly to impair the credit of your adversaries. AY hat has been once boldly affirmed in par- liament, will never cease, upon any refuta- tion, to be believed and maintained by a large portion of the multitude without. Scru- ple not even insolent thwarting against Ma- jesty itself, if there be the slightest prospect, that, by such thwarting, you may add to the perplexities of the ministry, or augment your own popularity with the multitude. To traverse the measures of administration, you may even presume to send ambassadors for your party to foreign courts, patronize the wildest doctrines of reform and universal equality, espouse so far as, without express 128 CAREEU OF OPPOSITION. treason you can, the very cause of those ene- mies with whom ? as the adversaries of all order, and of the liberties of mankind, your nation is at war. Vilify the courage, the counsels, and the military conduct of your country's allies. Sing Te Deum over the successes of her foes. Dispatch emissaries into coffee-houses and other places of public resort, to arraign every act of administration, to extol the wisdom of every step taken by op- position, and to proclaim the country, spite of all favourable appearances, utterly undone. Refuse credit to any evidence of guilt against revolutionary traitors. On every suitable occasion, collect assemblies of the people, even sub dio ; harangue them with violence upon the 'miscarriages and the delinquency of ministers ; nay, let the scenes of some of your assemblies be chosen so near to the seat of parliament and the court, and to the prin- cipal offices of government, as absolutely to beard them to the teeth. Watch the mo- ments of doubt and embarrassment to the mi- nisters, your adversaries* TJaese are the CAREER OF 0l>P0SITI0K. 129 moments for you to strike home. Ministers must, then, as unfortunate, be discordant among themselves. Their prince, moved by their ill fortune, will be staggered in his confidence in them. A change of men and measures must be resolved upon, with what- ever reluctance. Perhaps, you shall receive a carte blanche : perhaps only a part of your underlings may be invited to compose a new administration in concurrence with a selec- tion of underlings from the opposite side. CHAPTER VIII. .TREATY FOR THE ASSUMPTION OF THE MINISTRY. I have, now, marked the career by which the hero trained to the enterprises of parlia- mentary and political ambition 5 is to ascend to the height of his wishes. He has inflamed the people with the spirit of turbulence and discontent; shaken the pecuniary credit of the government ; alarmed public opinion with the belief that the very constitution tot- ASSUMPTION OF THE MINISTRY. 1ST ters on the brink of ruin ; spread wide the imputation of corruption, incapacity, ty- ranny, and invincible ill luck against the ministers in office ; undermined the repu- tation of his country for superiority in counsels, arts, and arms; attached to him- self the great body of the falsely ambitious, whether within or without the house ; sown jealousies between the sovereign and his mi- nisters, as well as among the different branches of his sovereign's family ; and per- suaded even the world, that it is impossible for him to become minister of his country without dethroning the family of his king, and overthrowing entirely the very founda- tions of the state. He has done all this. — His sovereign may regard with abhorrence, his person, his principles, and his many at- tempts to vilify the majesty of the throne, and undermine its stability. But, a para- mount necessity has been, at last, created. The former ministers can no longer discharge' their functions with effect. They resign their appointments into their master's hands. 132 TREATY FOR THE They counsel him to forego, for the moment, his not unjust prepossessions against the demagogue ; and invite him into official power. There is no other counsel to be given; no different scheme of conduct for the monarch to pursue. A negotiation with our hero, of course, opens. Demand no humble conditions for yourself and your associates. You have much to give in return for what you demand. Since the affairs of government can aever be con- ducted upon principles like yours ; you Jiave, in the first place, to bargain an im- plicit, open dereliction of those principles. The purchase is, to your prince, invaluable ; for, if it be, on your part, faith hilly made good, it extinguishes nascent rebellion and revolt : It leaves the rabble, whom you trained to discontent, without a leader. It wins those whom self-interest rendered ene- mies to the throne, without alienating such as have their hearts penetrated with a loyalty and a patriotism which no personal chagreens .can impair. It, in some manner, turns ASSUMPTION OF THE MINISTRY. 133 blak into white, white into black : for, it makes those vcrv things commendable in your professed estimation which were, before, the most odious to you. You, in the treaty, dispose of all your wild and dangerous po- pularity ; for, you must not expect that you shall find it possible to serve at once the tu- multuous populace and the throne. You must not suppose, that, in official power, you shall find it more eligible to betray the strength of the crown to the rabble, than to support that strength with fidelity. The power of the crown becomes^ in your hands, your own power ; and you therefore, come to advajice it with the same zeal^ as if you never espoused any principles of jacobinism. The change of trade which you now make, too, is very considerable and very hazard- ous. The same artifices, the same manners will no longer serve your ends. You have to enter a new course of life, to expose your- self to odia of a new species. For ail this, you must require so much the more weight. l'S4 TREATY FOR THE to be thrown into the scale which is to coun- terbalance that of your pretensions. You have now to gratify all such of your follow- ers as shall still be able to make themselves of use to you. You have to satisfy some of those resentments which either the injustice or the just severely of your predecessors may have provoked. And, what is more than all, since you come into office, only when it is impossible longer to move the wheels of go- vernment without you ; you have a right to demand any terms of your S — n that he can give without the absolute surren- der of his private revenue and his ostensible power. Make it your first care to insist on the right of dismissing every one thai has been put into the enjoyment of office or emolument by the ministry whose fall you have atchieved. Make more, much more to do about this, than about the functions and obligations t)f your office. Your power will be illusive ; if it enable you not to do as much niischief ASSUMPTION OF THE MINISTRY. 135 as can, in reason, be done to those with whom you have been so long at parliamen- tary war ; and, if it give you not, on the other hand, the most extensive means by which to gratify the claims of your own ad- herents. Demand, then, in the next place, autho- rity to dispose of all but some very few of of the leading ministerial appointments, without any interposition of your S n's voice. Require the right to confer new titles of all sorts, at your pleasure. Insist, that the S n quit himself of all such even of his immediately personal servants, and of those of his household, as you shall desire to be displaced in or- der to make room for others whom you may expect to be the most trusty to your- self. If there be ever a man in yourK— g's do- minions that has made himself personally ob- noxious to his S— - — n ; espouse this man's 136 T31EATY FOR THE cause ; demand of the monarch to forego all resentment against him; insist upon his being received into every appearance of the most gracious favour at court ; and by a victory so decisive, over your sovereign's inclina- tions where inclination is ever the most re- fractory, make sure, at the very begin- ning, of that ascendency by which you may afterwards compel your master to see with your eyes, and to assent implicitly to all the measures you shall propose to him. Stipulate to the right to institute process, and to set on foot enquiries, for the purpose of calumniating and degrading your prede- cessors 5 — even in cases in which it shall be in- fallibly clear, that their conduct has been without stain, and superior to all accu- sation. Stipulate, likewise, for the right impli- citly to pursue those very measures which were adopted by your immediate prede- cessors in office i yet to pretend, in the ASSUMPTION OF THE MINISTRY. 137 face of the work] , that your's are mea- sures widely different ; and to continue to to arraign those which were pursued be- fore, as measures the silliest and most per- nicious. CHAPTER IX. THE POLITICAL ADVENTURER AT THE HEAB OF AN ADMINISTRATION. The orator and statesman whose fit educa- tion and political progress I have traced, is now., at the height of his ambition. With- out fixing what particular office he may put himself at the head of; I shall, now, con- sider him in the character of a first mi- nister. He and his associates come into office, at a crisis of peculiar difficulty. Much is lost; AT THE HEAD, &C. 139 more is in imminent danger ; if the nation conceive any hope upon the accession of these new men — it is derived from an opinion of their submissive indifference, as ready to make at once every sacrifice that the most ambitious enemy can require. Even in the treaty for the acceptance of official employ- ment, time was lost which left the allies of the country in uncertainty and despair, and which thus gave to enemies cautious not to lose a single hour, the most extraordinary advantage. Spite of all this ; be it your first care to di- vide the loaves and jishes. Let state-affairs stand still till you shall have swept out of the offices of government, high and low, every individual whose person is obnoxious to any one of your gang, or whose salary any of your dependents wishes to enjoy. N( :xt, consider well, what proportion of your own adherents arc to be immediately and fully gratified ? Who of them are to be put off, for a time, with fair yet sincere ^promises ? Who to be merely soothed with 240 THE ADVENTURER AT THE soft words, and no more? Who to be scornfully driven off at once, by insolent neglect ? Gratify those only to the full, whose con- tinued attachment is indispensably requisite to bolster up your power ; and to whom you are under engagements which you dare not violate, for the particular 'gratifications you give them. With these, indeed, you may almost equal the boon companions of your our private pleasures, — the creatures of your mistresses and their friends, — with perhaps one or two who had no claim upon you, in order to get a reputation for candour and generosity. All they whose aid, actice, ardent aid, is to be the support of your administration, ought to be put off with little or nothing,gfor the present. Impatient hope is a much ' more faithful prompter than gratitude. Keep your most effective servants in hope; give them as little as possible more than hope to animate their services ; beware, however, of bilking their hopes, so as to provoke indig- HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 141 nation, or to sadden to despondency: at some rare times, reward one or two to the ut- most of their justifiable expectations : let the rest be, all, taught to expect each as much in his turn. This is the true secret, by which to be zealously, steadily, and alertly served. Those others of the adherents of your for- mer fortunes, whom you cannot promote without a loss of character to yourself not to be compensated by any service they can per- form, must be put off with good words mean- ing nothing. Treat in the same manner, those whose power of service is, by years or the vicissitudes of life, entirely past. Deal so, also, with those whose vanity will in- duce them rather to content themselves with your empty civilities, than, by being of- fended that you do not more for them, to forego your notice entirely. In short, pass this coin on all who will take it without ex- pecting to have it made good to them here- r, in true and lawful money. 142 THE ADVENTURER AT THE And who are to be scornfully driven off at once, by insolence and neglect ? — All who come upon the pure and simple score of me- rit; all who come in the expectation, that you are, now, to fulfil your opposition pro- mises, and to follow out the measures which you declared, when in opposition, to be alone reasonable and constitutional ; all those men of probity and literature who, in the inge- nuous faith that you want the aid of uncon- nected virtue and talents, are weak enough to profess an inclination to enlighten and support your efforts ; all those who, though in employment under your predecessors, held their employments with party spirit, or party efforts, and have, in consequence, the presumption to think, that they may be per- mitted to hold them still. HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 143 Blacken the last Administration : declare your Country irrecoverably ruined. The weak, having gained such an object, as is now in your grasp, would assume an affectation of candour, and entirely refrain from further abuse of rivals whom they have supplanted. It is not, however, for you to act so silly a part. Pursue the blow you have struck. Disarm your political oppo- nents for ever, since, now, you have them down . Renew that abuse of the folly of their mea- sures which was, while you were in Opposi- tion, your favourite theme. Boast loud of the discoveries you have made, of the folly and wittol-ignorance of their schemes, of their perfidy to their allies, of their utter in- capacity and negligence in all great affairs — menace impeachment and the block. Pro- claim to all the Avinds of heaven, that your country is, by their guilt and mismanage- 144 THE ADVENTURER AT THE ment, undone beyond the power of man to retrieve its fate. It is not enough to make these complaints and accusations heard in the houses of par- liament. Get some wretched hireling to make them the burden of a pamphlet. Let him be pert enough to believe himself capa- ble of whatever is cogent in reasoning, and persuasive in eloquence. Let him be so en- tirely destitute of the feelings of genius, as to have not the slightest predilection for truth compared with falsehood, Let him possess homing of that rectitude of reason which sometimes renders a vigorous under- standing scarce capable to be betrayed by the depravity of a bad heart. Let him have attained no just knowledge of what consti- tutes the vital power and prosperity of na- tions, of the policy of measures, of the rela- tions of amity or hositility, of the plans of war, of the possibilites of allied combination, of the interests of trade, of the utilities of labour, of the energies of inventive thought, of the unconquerable greatness of true public HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 145 and private virtue. To the self-conceit of an English son of the dunghill, let him add the pert loquacity of «1 member of a Scottish university disputing club, and the venality of a briefless Barrister. Let his brains have been impreg- nated with the tincture of jacobinism just re- quisite to give him a pleasure in tearing up anew the wounds of his country, in fomenting her dissatisfactions, in exaggerating her shame. This is your fit instrument. Set him to write you, an " Enquiry into the State of the Nation ;" such as shall shew, that there remains nothing but to give carte blanche to its most dangerous and ambitious enemy. Let the counsels, courage, and en- terprises of your allies be vilified in it to the utmost. Let the triumphs, talents, and re- sources of the enemy be extolled to the skies. Let the pamphlet be written in that mix- ture of Scoticism, Gallicism, newspaper slang, and colloquial barbarism, in that medley of the bombast with the pert and the low familiar, in that cloudy confusion of thought veiled in a corresponding confusion i. M6 THE ADVENTURER AT THE of words, that jumble of mixed metaphors with fantastic sentiments ; above all, that conceitedness of wrong decision, and that labour of quibbles, which distinguish both jour own orations, and that newspaper lite- rature which has been your grand school of eloquence. The pamphlet is written to ex- pose the nakedness of the land ; and that let it expose in all respects. Then send it, on the wings of the post-office ^bags, all abroad. Let it pass, as a peace-offering, into the hands of your principal enemy ; let it go to your allies, as no unambiguous denunciation of what- they may expect from you : let it go to the whole world, as a proof, that you despair of your country's safety, and are in haste to make an eternal sacrifice of her inde- pendence. — All the blame is laid, you know, on the inability and unfaithfulness of your predecessors : and the more their acts are vi- lified, so much the more wity all that you shall do, gain in the comparison with them. HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 147 Pay your Court to the Enemy, before you even make your Compliments , as the new Minister, to your Country's Allies. You have told in parliament that your country is undone ; you have invoked all the eloquence of Grub-street to repeat and pro- pagate the tale ; }x>u have dispersed your manifesto wherever your country's name is known : next renew the interrupted corre- spondence of your government with foreign courts. Others might naturally enough, if new in a situation like yours, address themselves, in the first instance, to those foreign powers whom they found in alliance with their go- vernment ; but such must not be your duct. You despise those who were fruit- lessly cherished as allies by your predeces- sors. You are ready to sacrifice them all in order to redeem the friendship of the terrible enemy who prevails aver you and them alike. ut some pretence of apparent generosity 148 THE ADVENTURER AT THE for opening or renewing a correspondence with the intriguer who, being deep in every bad artifice, and polluted with every species of guilt, has thus attained to be his minister. Let your pretence be false ; and let it be offered with that sneaking officiousness which may best betray you to shame, as anxious to offer sacrifices and concessions, concerning which, however, you tremble lest they should not be accepted. Mark the reception of this homage; though proud and disdainful, yet if it do not absolutely fordid you to lick the dust at the feet of the tyrant, to whom you would submit yourself and your country, — rejoice. Chuse for the details of your negotiation, some poor being who has languished for years in the tyrant's chains, and who would sell his very birth-right, his very manhood, to get out of them. Being a slave, is he not so much the fitter to be your representative ? Must he have a coadjutor ? Select for the task one who has, long since, transferred as HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 149 much as he could of his family property to the land of the tyrant's power ; who has been labouring all his life to shew, that even a peer may dive deep in the bathos, and get distinction in the commonwealth of Grub- street ; whose principles in politics, so far as he has had any, have been ever notoriously adverse to those of the constitution over whose government you preside ; who is not more distinguished by domestic virtues, nor more familiar with unambitious, pure, do- mestic joy, than the wretches among whom you send him ; who is so little loved and ho- noured at home, that a Bonoparte or a Tal- leyrand might p — ss upon him almost with- out giving offence to his fellow countrymen^ and who is so impatiently, so ludicrously ambitious of public employment, that he would almost take Jack Ketch's place, sooner than rest longer in the shade. Such a par nobile may well do homage in your name at the foot of the great enemy's throne. Let them tell him, how much you admire his glory ; how desirous you are to 150 THE ADVENTUKE-R AT THE repose your whole confidence in his honour and truth. Let them humbly watch the favourable moments when he and his minis- ters will deign to hear or answer even any few words, with the common courtesies of social and diplomatic intercourse. Let them give him to know, that your whole machine of state stands still, till he shall have said the word ; that you, in deference to him, leave all your allies in suspense, as to your farther inten- tions respecting them, and altogether at the mercy of his menaces, usurpations, and intri- gues. Ask of him, in the first instance, no defi- nite engagement, no written stipulation, noba- sis for a trea'y but such, as from which he may afterward shift his ground at pleasure. Leave him to proclaim to all the world, that he has almost concluded a separate peace with you ; that the late offensive and defensive allies of your country, have nothing farther to expect from your aid ; that you yourself personally have consented to be, for your particular Country, his Prince of Peace. He will, thus, t)i course, be able to overawe your allies into HEAD OV ADMINISTRATION. 15(1 the most abject submission, or to lure them into terms of treaty, equal to an unconditional surrender of their independence. Nay, evert suffer yourself to be ensnared by it to the de- claration of war against the neutral power, which it is the most important for you, to draw into your closest alliance, — for him, to divide from your interests. What less coji you expect, in return, for all this, than that he should, in the end, grant you, conditions such as should, at once, establish your per- sonal fortunes, and satisfy your country that you made no misrepresentation in alledging, that its independence was utterly undone, and that it lay prostrate at his mercy ? This may be what you incline to expect. But to grant it, cannot be his interest. You havs given him more by consenting to treat, though you knew him faithless and prevaricating, than if you had fought and triumphed for him in an hundred battles. He needs not, then, buy your services, or the submission of your country by equitable conditions. You have taught him to believe, that the more he 4 152 THE ADVENTURER AT THE asks so much the more will you concede, the more he threatens, so much the more will you shrink and fawn, the more he prevaricates so much the more will you take him respect- fully at his word. He is not deceived in you : but you dare not go to the utmost length of your own wishes. Your novitas regni talia cogit y that your Plenipo's must return re infecta. He is astonished and angry. But, you can boast that you have made every sacrifice for peace, but that of your country's honour. And, you may complain that the faithlessness of the allies, and their jealousy, to anticipate you in the advantages of a separate treaty with the com- mon enemy, have alone hindered you from obtaining of that enemy, whatever could be, in reason, desired. You may possibly express surprise, that I should have recommended a fruitless attempt to treat of peace, as an eligible measure in the beginning of your ministry. But, it is within my knowledge, that such measures have had effects the most favourable to the power of their sapient authors. HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 153 Public Abjuration of former Principles. At home, in the mean time, you may be seasonably employed in giving a parliamen- tary and ministerial recantation of your op- position principles. You called for a reform in parliament. Now., declare that this is not the season for such an attempt. You de- manded the abolition of the Christian reli- *■' gion. Now, answer 3 " this is not the time"* You exclaimed against the guilt of screening great public delinquents. Now screen those, and only those, who can reward the protec- tion by bringing an accession of strength to the support of your party. — You deprecated, perhaps, as pernicious, some great measure employed to consolidate the several parts of the empire more entirely into one. You taught your admirers to expect, that, should * The fatal consequences of a dereliction in this instance alone has been fully proved by subsequent event:-. 154 THE ADVENTURER AT THE the day of your power ever arrive, you would undo the Union. Now, however, be you sure to extol every thing about the union, but that you had not yourself the making of it. You have, before, possibly expressed loud and anxious sympathy with sufferings inflict- ed by the hand of government, on jacobins and on some of the rabble agitators of demo- cratical reform. They were taught to expect that you would never accept official power or emolument to yourself, without stipulat- ing to them compensation for their wrongs. But, the thing is impossible : tell them so : spurn them from you even more indignantly than did any of your predecessors. — You often vowed, never to have official co-oper- ation with any of those who were, whether primarily or in a subordinate degree, co-ad- jutors in the measures of the former adminis- tration. But, now, select even from among them, if you can, as many recreants of the second or even the first order, as shall be willing, for a mess of pottage, to devote ilnemselves to your interests and wishes. Be HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION, 155 sure, if possible, to find out, among them, some Medccin malgre lui^ whom you may stick up in some niche, of mere and vain, yet ostensible formality. Find some other heavy-headed wight who, without a single talent but for endless spattering Llatieraiion — the very ox in the fable that would enact the race-horse — the very owl that would insist upon singing, with added beauty, the song of the nightingale — shall deem himself com- petent to fill the station of the greatest con- temporary he has survived, — and shall be, tit the same time, servilely forward to submit his mind and all its determinations to yours. Your old friends may exclaim loudly against these new connexions, as fatally unworthy of you. But, let them know, that you act for the public good only, and disdain their cen- sure. By such measures as these, you will have fairly past the Rubicon. You can HW : nnd i::;dcr atrocious 164 THE ADVENTURER AT THE calumnies against those and the allies, let it hide, if possible, the disgrace of your dis- honourable negotiation. Let it speak in that tone of pride and self-complacency which is used in the fable when a ball of horse's dung is made to say to an apple, " see, brother, how zee apples swi?n." Then send it out into the world, not verbally confes- sing it to be official, yet conspicuously giv- ing it a distinction, which, if not official, it, certainly could not receive. Be sure, that you distribute its copies, in great numbers, in foreign countries ; and that you support its visionary statements in your speeches in parliament. The dunce or dunces that ex- ecuted the mechanical toil of it, may come, in time, to be subalterns in your parliamen- tary guard. Renew your Diplomatic Representation and Correspondence at the Courts of the Allies* You have interrupted that diplomatic intercourse which was between your prede- HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 165 censors and the allies abroad. You have disgusted those allies by evincing a disposi- tion to prefer the alliance of the enemy to theirs. You have irritated them by giving to that enemy, a great temporary advantage in treaty and in hostile arrangements., against them. You have gratified the party at home who arc averse from the expense of foreign connexions by the most outrageous calumnies against the ability and fidelity of all who lately fought in alliance with 3 r ou. You have left your diplomatic ministers, for some months without new credit or instructions at the allied courts. You have convinced those courts ; that they are not to trust to any thing which passed between them and the previous administration of your govern- ment ; but must absolutely begin a-new, and come upon an entire private understanding with you and your agents, before you will be persuaded to join them in any new plans of hostility. Now, tlien, renew your attention to them. Let tlu' former Ambassadors and Envovs have 166 THE ADVENTURER AT THE returned from their respective courts. Send 5 instead of those, men of your own party, and in whom you can confide. Let them not be such enthusiasts to promote the downfall of the common enemy, as to be ready to enter into new engagements with the allies, by which the government you preside over shall stipulate to sacrifice any one separate inter- est of its own to the general welfare. Let them be, those who can view the ruin of the allied cause, without calling on you and their country to uphold it by extraordinary sub- sidies. Instruct them not to make offers : warn them to be shy of listening to any : give them, as the principle of their conduct, to look solely to the objects of keeping well with the allies, without exasperating the re- sentments of that foe, and of sharing, if pos- sible, with him, in the distribution of the spoils which are snatched from their perish- ing imbecility. What aid you grant ; that give with a niggard hand, and not at the seasons when, alone, it can be greatly useful. It is not necessary, that your 1 diplomatic HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 167 agents should bo persons of high talents or large experience. It is enough, that they be new men, attached to yourself, and as much disposed not to cross your instructions, as was Charles the twelfth of Sweden's jack- boot, not to govern his senate upon any fan- cies or suggestions of his own. Parliamentary Campaign* Now, return to your parliamentary cam- paign. — You have so vehemently condemn- ed all that was done by your predecessors, that none will now suspect you of any dispo- sition to steal from them. You may there- fore, steal from them without fear or danger of detection. It is in the province of the revenue, your grand difficulties occur. Try, then, whether any zcays and means may be found which can be made productive, and which no former ministers have, in any degree, anticipated. — You scratch your head. — You dive deep into the va- cuum of your brain. — You muse, and muse : but it will not do. — All the geniuses 168 THE ADVENTURER, AT THE about you are set to work : but all in vain. — What remains to be done? Search the re- positories, of office-papers. — Here are abun- dance of schemes of resource — only reject- ed or deferred ! — Seize them — use them. — None in the world will suspect you to have drawn them from the frugi provisam in annum of your predecessors, whom you have, with so much pride, condemned. — What if, in your hands,, those plans of your predecessors cannot be rendered accessible ? Maintain them with obstinacy, at least to a certain length. — But, if the nation, if the men of the greatest weight in parliament., shall, after all, be still more obstinate against your schemes, than you dare be in their sup- port — then drop them in a manner as ungra- cious as possible. The ungraciousness of your manner will enhance the value of the sacrifice, by shewing how very dearly you valued that which you relinguish. — In the immediate exigency which this dissappoint- ment- creates; — recur at once, to such of the taxations of your predecessors as can be 5 HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 169 witk the smallest trouble to you, inflamed. Be sure, in enforcing those, to make your tittle fn^er more alHictivelv heavy than your predecessor's loins: He, it maybe, finan- cially chastised the people with whips : — don't you fail, then, to chastise them with scorpions. In this way, you may contrive to keep moving? for one year, at least. Grand original Scheme of Finance. There is nothing about which the world is more in mistake than in regard to the faculty and art of invention. It is generally ex- plained to be the power or the act of pro- ducing -something which did not exist before, and that in a place which was, before, en- tirely empty of every thing. But, how liould this be? Nothing can be truer, in logic or natural philosophy, than the well- known maxim, ex nihilo nihil ft : nothing more indisputable than that you cannot put your pig under Nancy s pot , if you possess no pig at all : invention is, therefore, only to 170 THE ADVENTURER AT THE produce something, the existence of which, was not before known to all the world to be at the command of him, who suddenly ex- hibits it for his own : or, it is to shew some- thing, as for instance, a tyger in an English pastoral, or ingenuous fairness and modesty in J — n II — e T — he's dealing with the commissioners of the income tax, where no person on earth could before haw suspected the possibility of the presence of any such thing* Do not, then* take it for insult or inconsi* derate folly, if I recommend financial invention, as your grand resource for the ways and means of your second year's ad- ministration. In order to this invention — entices the projectors to send you in all their schemes. You have your secretary, little iohite~haired Van, the most profound finan- cier on earth, who has skill to perform an operation of even six or eight lines in the addition of pounds, shillings, pence, and farthings, and who is even no contemptible proficient in the rules of simple subtraction. HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 171 What though he do, now and then, retire with virtuoso solicitude, to transplant pars- nip* or manure cringo-roots, in the land of Eden ? Let Van transcribe the schemes of the projectors. Preserve the transcripts. Then return to each man his own original draught, — with the slighting remark, — that w - it came too late — or that — " it is impractica- ble." — The accumulation of these projects will form one great fund for financial inven- tion. — In the review of these schemes of your predecessor ; and in the examination of such of his untried projects as there is any trace of, in the archives of office ; you will have another resource still more valuable. — Well, then ! Suppose every other contri- vance to fail ! Should your departure from the policy of your predecessor ruin your credit in the money-market ! Should it be impossible to raise the supplies by direct taxes, and should the indirect have been pushed to the utmost limit of their productiveness ! If you have failed in your attempts to reduce the expen- diture by abject submission to your gigantic 172 THE ADVENTURER AT THE and victorious foe ; you must find the sup- plies ; the taxes you dare not augment. Shall you resign ? Cuncta prius tentanda* Gratify the monied interest by a return to the spirit of your predecessor's financial policy : and when this is discovered, public credit will revive. Insead of imposing new taxes ; divert some of those which he had imposed, from their original and proper uses. Those which were to be levied but fey a time, you may render perpetual. The trick will not be sensibly felt at the first : it imposes no new burthen. Again, if your pre- decessor had a noble engine at work that was in time, necessarily to remove and annihilate the whole weight of debt and taxations* — Seize you this engine ; apply it to your own uses ; leave old burthens to rowel upon the people's shoulders — how they may. Your business is, simply not to impose new bur- thens. The more intolerable, the more odious, you render the old; so much the more ad- vantage do you gain over your predecessor's fame. Haying atqhieved sill this ; you may HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 173 boldly assert your claim to the palm of financial invention ; and may boast ir own for the greatest name, that ever sus- tained and renovated the pecuniary resources of a sinking state ! How to treat the Military and Naval Com- manders who were employed under your Predecessors. Entering upon office, you cannot biit find difficulty in dealing with those military and naval commanders who were the most favour- ed before. They have owed their preferment to your rivals : and therefore, you cannot wholly trust them. But, on the other hand, their services have given an interest with the nation so great, as, now, almost to deny you the power of dismissing them* In this case, I would recommend to take into your secret confidential counsel, one or two old officers of the highest rank and of veteran experience ; men of service and of merit, themselves ; but yet more distill- 17£ THE ADVENTURER AT THE guished for selfish irritability of feelings , for implacable resentment of whatever they can construe into offence, and for unappeasable brutal jealousy of all whose professional services have eclipsed, or threaten to eclipse, the splendour of their own.— To these men, unbosom yourself,— let them know, that pre- sumption, however sustained by talents and services like those of the persons obnoxious, must ^ of necessity be checked. — Listen to their replies. They tell you the merits, the services of those soi-disant heroes are nothing ; that none of them are more than a more -flash -in -the -pan. They instruct you to affront, to dismiss them, to bring them to trial. They promise for them- selves to bear all the odium. To you, they ensure the comfort— the pride — the fe- licity of being again free to employ such commanders alone, as you delight to honour. As to the enterpriz^s undertaken toward the close of the ministry of your predeces- sors^ it can BeveT fee for your interest to ap- prove them. They are the last acts of a bad HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 175 system. You were not consulted in the planning of them. Had you made peace with the enemy at the moment you wished ; even the conquests of such enterprises must have been given up without equivalent. Do they succeed ? You get no praise for their success. Are they frustrated ? The disappointment dispirits the people even towards your administration. Beware of taking measures to follow out any such en- terprizes. , Do not hastily believe any ru- mours of their having succeeded. Shew yourself more eager to credit the news of tffeif failure, and by propagating it officially, to check that foolish sanguine temper of the people ever unreasonably flattering them with vain dreams of prosperity. However successful the commanders in such expe- ditions,— be you sure to deny them the gra- tification of u The Senate's thanks, the Gazette's pompous tale." If they fail — and have acted upon any too bold interpretation of their powers — bring them to the block if you can. . 176 THE. ADVENTURER AT THE Sfj/ return to former Principles. You have sacrificed your republican prin- ciples, connexions, and fame, tothe sweets of office. You did well. But, perhaps your sacrifice was intended only for an ostensible one ; and you remain, though now the secret, yet as much as ever the firm and zealous votary of your old opinions. In this case, you will not slight my advice — how best to promote them. Though you do not expressly counte- nance Jacobinical speeches and assemblings of the multitude ; cannot you loosen those restraints, and relax that vigilance, by which government, before, kept them down ? Let the publication of books and pamph- lets with jacobin principles, be more and more encouraged ! Let the schools for mob - disputation on politics, be opened anew ! Let the jacobin outcries even against your own tergiversation be heard with feigned terror ! Let the jacobin outrages HEAD OF ADMINISTRATION. 177 at elections meet no vigorous censure nor punish in ent ! I.el the old honest, simpleton advocate of constitutional reform ; who fancies that the constitution might be, wiih advantage, restored to what it was in the times of king Alfred, or of William the third,— our arts, manners, general policy, and ex- terior relations remaining as they are at —?nt; let that man be indirectly encou- raged to stir up a new bustle among all the i!v and pragmatical, though well-meaning n of his own political humour. Let the publication of calumniating, con- d, falsified histories of the country, h as B — ?s be encouraged! a hook, unmatched in glazing misrepre- sentation of the truth^ in confused mis- eaasion of the series of events, in \ irf all those principles of science to ^hich history must owe its best illumina- tion. ;,. meanness and grammatical incorrect- nc:-> <»f I'^guage, in democratieal rant and malignity ! 178 THE " ADVENTURER AT THE HEAD, &C. And if there be such, a disposition of things j that the constitution may be changed, under a pretence of bestowing new immuni- ties to persons under certain religious disa- bilities ; then use this pretence. Your S n feels himself perhaps under en- gagements to God and his subjects at large which forbid him to consent to the direct removal of those disabilities ? Persuade him to elude his obligations, and to allow the thing to be done indirectly. Is his rea- son too sound, his conscience too pure and delicate to be so misled ? Insist upon your demands. Does he still refuse ? Resign, Resign, Resign ! EN D. Printed by R. Zotti, 1 6, Broad Street, Golden Sq. J ALL ABLE MODERN PUBLICATIONS, BY ODDY and Co. No. 27, Oxford Street. 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