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The 
 Larl of 
 Royster Ray 
 
 By "PERHAPS" BACON 
 Price 15 Cents 
 
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 <>?f*4? 
 
 Mi. 
 
The Earl 
 
 of 
 
 Royster Ray 
 
 "PERHAPS" BACON 
 
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 COPYRIGHT 1916 
 
 THE BRONSON CANODE PRINTING CO 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 ©CI. A 4 :m 4^*1 
 Mdy 15/9/6 
 
 ' 7/ e^ / ' 
 
ACT I-SCENE I 
 
 Transparent curtain showing King's 
 Palace built like White House— on 
 face. Light turned on to show in- 
 visible Government at dinner. Light 
 turned leaving King's Palace in view. 
 
 Enter the EARL OF ROYSTER RAY, 
 accompanied by the DUKE OF FER- 
 KUM and the ROYAL JESTER 
 
 following. 
 
 Duke of Perkum : 
 
 How now my Royal Master — why 
 so dull ? By my strong sword, I have 
 not seen thy teeth since yestermorn, 
 when at my prophecy of returning 
 prosperity to our house, thou did'st 
 smile. Come, my Royal Master, there 
 is the Palace and here am I— come— 
 come, change the gloom to sunshine. 
 I prithe show thy teeth. 
 
Earl of Royster Ray : 
 If I did, 'twould be to bite. 
 
 Duke: 
 Not me? 
 
 Earl : 
 
 Nay, nay, most grateful friend. 
 
 The Fool : 
 
 Not me, my Rising Sun ? 
 
 Earl: 
 
 Go to, thou fool. If bite I must 
 'twould be in anger. Wise men are 
 never angry with their friends or 
 fools. 
 
 Both seated. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 I am agrieved at all the world. The 
 strange conditions mocking my worthy 
 ambitions. Aye, there is the Palace, 
 
and the Earl of Jersey reigning like a 
 dolt, consuming emoluments that 
 should be mine and receiving most de- 
 vout worship from the pie counter and 
 its friends. There's mine enemy — the 
 Earl of Haven, erstwhile King, whose 
 very interior I do most despise, smil- 
 ing in his fatness as though I and all 
 within the Kingdom were mere jokes. 
 Why in our last Joust on the Field of 
 Cago, by most foul stroke did he un- 
 horse me, and belikes rolled me like a 
 farmer in the mud. Aye, by all the 
 gods, too shameful that he did it with 
 rollers I myself had loaned him and 
 taught him the clever touch of how to 
 use the same. And though we doped 
 the ugly beast on which he rode, and 
 gave the crown to the stupid Earl of 
 Jersey, still they both like witless louts 
 smile, while hate and malice vie, like 
 fighting dogs, in gnawing at my heart. 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Come, come, my Star of Hope. Thou 
 
hast no wounds that tenancy in yon- 
 der Palace cannot heal. I have read 
 the stars and from the unseen elf's 
 they make thy tenancy assured. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 A vaunt, with spooks and elves. The 
 invisible Government is more to the 
 point — 
 
 Smiles. 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Ah ha, now by the gullet of the gods 
 he smiles, and lifting back the curtain 
 of his molars, the world is bright with 
 this our mutual understanding. Ring 
 the bells. Fire the tocsin. 
 
 Jester rings bells on his cap and 
 fires a pop gun. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 I prithe, not so fast, if so be this is a 
 dream. I have so often dreamed! 
 
(pinches himself) No I am awake! 
 
 Sit thee my friend and tell me with 
 coolness — How stands the case? Re- 
 member 'tis no child's play. By rule 
 of our Kingdom, by children long ago 
 adopted, the Esquires, yoemen, boors 
 and all have voice in coming joust 
 wherein they pick their King, for the 
 stout period of four years. If I suc- 
 cessful ride, I must ride the two tailed 
 beast I rode to victory erstwhile. 
 When last I approached the beast he 
 knew me, and heard me, and allowed 
 me to approach, and when I spiked 
 him so he could not run, he gave me a 
 most ungodly and hellish look. How 
 can I, most loyal grateful friend, 
 mount him again ? How can I set the 
 weakling yoemen, clans and boors, to 
 select me for the mount ? Speak ! For 
 love of the gods, speak, or shall I 
 burst with impatience? How? How? 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Noise! Noise! NOISE! 
 
Earl: 
 
 Aye, it helped, a'most did it win me 
 the last joust. But we must add — 
 add something, and hark ye, the most 
 enticing noice is Jingling Ducats. 
 
 Duke: 
 
 {Showing check hook.) 
 
 And now, by all the Ghosts, I be- 
 thought me, thou did'st understand! 
 Know I not that the sweet jingling 
 noise of ducats will start bands and 
 fifes and drums, the silvery tones of 
 the heroice spellbinders — all, all in 
 harmony with this? {waves check 
 hook) The swaying leaves on the 
 trees, the song of birds, nor yet the 
 swish of fair ones' draperies, make 
 music half so sweet a noise as when 
 the invisible opens and turns the 
 leaves of his check book. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 But the hungry knaves with ink and 
 
 8 
 
press, who print pamphlets for half 
 wits to read? 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Peace. Peace, my lord. Hast forgot- 
 ten— Must I prick my conscience to 
 provoke thy memory? The dogs of 
 law were baying at my door, and thou 
 drovest them with they scepter to their 
 dirty kennels, saying that thou gavest 
 me warrant to break the law just 
 once. Ne'er forgettest thy servant, 
 that eve thou didst usher me gently 
 without the back portals of the Pal- 
 ace, wherein I had entered. Swore I 
 by yonder moon and by the thousand 
 fires on our forges that I wouldst 
 serve thy royal person, would even 
 swear 'twas necessary to break the law 
 to save the kingdom from poverty, and 
 testify, if so be 'twas needed, to thy 
 most holy hatred of the highball ! 
 
 The Fool laughs. 
 
Earl: 
 
 How now — fool — save thy stupidity, 
 
 The Fool : 
 
 Marry my Lord, 'twould be as hard 
 to save my stupidity as for you to 
 save your honesty — 
 
 Earl: 
 
 What means the fool? 
 
 Fool: 
 Tis no riddle — How shall one save 
 that which he hath not and never had ? 
 
 Earl: 
 
 You waste your time on him — Talk 
 more — more of this coming contest. 
 Since it hath come to pass that we 
 have means for the noise, remember 
 that the louts and pinheads, will not 
 all sit as judges in the next joust on 
 
 10 
 
the Cago field. But many owls and 
 bats, who seeking provender and pie 
 may be cool — How bestir them ? 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Again I say, noise — noise — noise — 
 then more noise. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 I must prepare the setting. What be 
 think you of a trip abroad? Return- 
 ing like conquering Hero, with strange 
 skins of strange animals, and stranger 
 talk, or should I be received by Kings, 
 and return with new Rivers on the 
 map ? ril discover new continents if so 
 be 'tis needed — Birds with hair and 
 snakes with feathers. Ye gods, how 
 well I remember how in broad 
 brimmed hat I bestrode the Bronco 
 and punched the Bull. 
 
 Fool : 
 Aye, Aye, My Lord, and then how 
 beautifully thou didst throw it. 
 
 11 
 
Earl: 
 
 
 Throw what ? 
 
 
 Fool: 
 
 
 That which you 
 
 punched, 
 
 Earl : 
 
 
 The Bull? 
 
 
 Fool : 
 
 
 Aye, My Lord. 
 
 
 The Earl to The Duke 
 What means the fool ? 
 
 Duke: 
 
 It shows his breeding. 'Tis a low and 
 vulgar expression, which meaneth that 
 your Royal Highness would flatter and 
 deceive. 
 
 12 
 
The Earl to The Fool : 
 
 Begone fool, we are weary of idiots. 
 
 Fool: 
 And yet ye part not? 
 
 Earl: 
 
 Well, stand then and hold thy lip. 
 
 Fool: 
 
 Lip service is cheap. Silence is golden, 
 and mine shall be without alloy. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 Silence, or by all the gods ril— Fll 
 break thy neck. 
 
 The fool hows as he feels of his 
 neck. 
 
 Earl : Turning to the Duke — 
 
 I'll go — Tomorrow's rising sun shall 
 find me packing my sword and spurs. 
 
 13 
 
I'll go and when I return 'twill be to 
 make more noise when the meet shall 
 come on the field at Cago. Look ye to 
 it, that the slaves who print, save the 
 first page for me. Buy the largest 
 type. Oh, ye gods of merriment, how 
 shake my sides when I do but see a 
 pinhead shake and stutter and rave, 
 when he but sees how much abused am 
 I, and hear him shout my name, incited 
 thereto by much ink in large type, fol- 
 lowed by sounding brass and tinkling 
 cymbals— But come my best heart 
 — it interesteth me much that Ducats 
 come from these. Is it possible they 
 love me? By the Ghost of Harriman 
 do they love me? 
 
 Duke: 
 
 Once I met a horse chained to a post. 
 For some grievance I had at the game 
 I struck him in the nose. The horse 
 never loved me, but was always in- 
 terested in my every- move. 
 
 14 
 
Earl : 
 
 Good — Good — I care not a bodkin 
 point why, so long as they serve. 
 Good — Good — But when shall the 
 noise begin? I am weary — for two 
 whole days no one has drawn my por- 
 trait or shouted "bravo" as I have 
 passed. 
 
 Duke : 
 
 'Tis all set. The dolts about the field 
 of Cago, when next we joust, are even 
 now preparing for the fray, we have 
 the fire set. 'Twill be so timed that 
 when they meet 'twill seem as if hell 
 itself has broken loose. Men, women 
 and children shall march shouting for 
 the Earl of Royster Ray. Songs are 
 being written. Spellbinders will tell 
 the people that you alone can save the 
 nation from death. Even now we have 
 the opening scene — set for the field of 
 Cago. As soon as your ship is far 
 away. 
 
 IS 
 
Earl: 
 
 Bully — Bully — Dear Friend — as hun- 
 gry as a she wolf, am I to hear the 
 plan. 
 
 Duke : 
 
 Well then. We have arranged that 
 John, heir apparent to all the offices 
 of the kingdom, shall hire a hall — and 
 buy sounding brass, and with his own 
 sheckels pay — 
 
 The Fool laughing immoderately. 
 
 Earl: 
 
 What — John who breaketh the win- 
 dows with his voice? John who with 
 the devils' imp Adam, of Mesota, 
 heckled my moose, when last I rode? 
 Ye gods — 
 
 To The Fool, 
 
 Be silent Speak, — May Satan 
 
 burn you. Speak,— Why laughest 
 thou? Speak, I say. 
 
 16 
 
Fool: 
 
 By my beard, how must I Speak and 
 at the same time be silent — I'll try 
 (laughing). The Duke doest joke 
 with thee, or he has been most woe- 
 fully put upon. John of Cago, know 
 you he was born in the dark of the 
 moon and hath a birthmark of a bat's 
 head and wing on his breast. Mothers 
 rush their children by his roof lest 
 they become cross-eyed or bandy- 
 legged. The wisest old owl in the 
 kingdom when first he saw John, 
 shouted "hoo — do" — 'Tis but a fool 
 who speaks, but if you would ride to 
 win, find first the strongest mount 
 against you and persuade the rider to 
 hire John of Cago for his mascot. 
 
 Bethink oh, my master — before he 
 can sing thy praises, he must swallow 
 all the foul words he heaped upon you, 
 and if by God's grace he can swallow 
 them all he will be so full his song 
 will be the buzzard's lay and drive 
 
 17 
 
away the small fish attracted by our 
 noise. Hear again my silence, I fear 
 'twas that unholy Fat Duke of Haven, 
 sent some cunning enemy to hire for 
 you a hoo — doo — instead of a mascot. 
 
 Earl : 
 
 Be silent fool — If so be a slip was 
 made, at any time we will put John of 
 Cago in the 'A' class with Annanias, 
 and drive him to the support of our 
 enemies. I can say and you will swear 
 it, that we know him not and want him 
 not. — There's always a way. 
 
 The Clown singing : 
 There's always a way, 
 There's always a way, 
 To get away, 
 To get away, 
 with it. 
 
 The Earl of Roystkr Ray : 
 
 Silence fool. Lead on, we follow. 
 
 18 
 
To The Duke, 
 Good night. Oh; Yes, see that the 
 horse keeps interested. Send a million 
 of my Bull puncher portraits west, put 
 in large ink in the daily pamphlets 
 near our coast, that I alone can pro- 
 tect them from our enemies — keep my 
 old mount the moose, well fed, not for 
 running, but to keep the two tailed 
 beast interested enough to let me ride. 
 God watch over you. Good night. 
 
 (Starting to leave, turns around,) 
 As life is dear, forget not my por- 
 traits. 
 
 The Earl continues hesitatingly 
 looking at pictures and shows 
 them to the Duke of Perkum. 
 
 Which likest thou best? The khaki 
 suit^ — the cowboy hat — or likest thou 
 me best astride the hustings, with open 
 mouth, with disheveled hair, distended 
 arms, sawing the air, and proclaiming 
 my own endorsement. 'Tis most im- 
 
 19 
 
portant and as thou lovest me, speak 
 thy true heart. 
 
 Duke : 
 
 I lovest all thy attitudes, but if my 
 poor judgement is sought, as to which 
 will encompass our desire, then say I 
 all. Some suckers are snared and fish 
 are fowled by light in the night. There- 
 fore lights, — red lights, must be a part 
 of our noise. There must be spangles, 
 ribbons and bands, as a part of our 
 noise. Our Hero's portraits, another 
 part wisely distributed. For the plains, 
 the sombrero, saddle, and schaps. In 
 the valleys the long-tailed coat. But 
 where high-brows teach school and vie 
 with Solomon in flirtation with wis- 
 dom, there my noble Lord's portrait 
 will serve best in student's cap and 
 gown. 
 
 The Earl and Duke go off look- 
 ing at portraits, the fool follows 
 
 20 
 
shouting ''Long live the Earl of 
 
 Royster Ray!' 
 The Fool returning soliloquises. 
 "Be silent," he says, "but 'tis my soul 
 to a cork I'll wager I get two pints of 
 sack extra for that noise." "Huzza for 
 the Earl of Royster Ray,— Long live 
 the Earl of Royster Ray." {listening) 
 Yes he hears me. This means holi- 
 days and casks of sack, till in the mak- 
 ing of noise I am required. {Listen- 
 ing goes to entrance, returning) He 
 heard me not, Til save my throat and 
 dry it not in a cause that killeth not 
 the drouth. 
 
 How the fickle goddess of success 
 and the wanton nymph of flattery 
 doeth befuddle the mind of man. Ere 
 my master was king, he was natural, 
 but elected then success lead him to 
 the door of the palace and left him as 
 food for flattery, as death will lay us 
 in our graves as banquet for worms. 
 
 "Oh, King, how strong you are, see 
 
 21 
 
the muscles that stand upon thy arm." 
 From thence hitherto hath he made 
 punching bags of all about the palace. 
 
 ''Oh, King, how beautifully thou 
 sitteth upon the horse." Then the 
 growth of the stable. 
 
 "Oh, King, how eloquent thou art," 
 then rehersals and hatred for Demos- 
 thenese and Cicero. 
 
 "Oh, King, Master of the chase," 
 then dead monkeys and stuffed snakes 
 and toads enough to fill the every caul- 
 dron of the witch. 
 
 "Ah, King, how wise thou art," then 
 great chunks of wisdom fall from his 
 lips, while he bemoans the folly of 
 Solomon and gives unerring mind to 
 all cosmos, from the care of teething 
 children to the building of a nation. 
 I once did hear him pipe a note, had 
 the pastry eater been present he would 
 have said in ecstasy, "Oh King more 
 — music. Thou wert born for music," 
 
 22 
 
but I poor fool told him, 'twas an ear- 
 splitting and most ungodly racket he 
 made. He deprived me of some pay 
 and much liquid provender, but since 
 he singeth not, methinks 'twas damned 
 good bargain I made in dealing out the 
 truth. 
 
 Oh, MY wanton witch, christened — ' 
 nay never christened — but named" 
 flattery, how hast thou turned my mas- 
 ter's mind. Thy wagging oily tongue 
 he hears as gospel, and by thy devilish 
 cuteness hath he become so enamored 
 of his ego that if he behold himself in 
 the glass he blushes and bows with 
 heart throbs as youth doth to beauty. 
 And midst all the worry and wars of 
 the world he standeth within the cen- 
 ter. If so be he maketh the world 
 agree with him, he will ride, one or 
 both of the beasts at Cago. 
 
 But tarry fool, 'tis said the two- 
 tailed beast hath memory, memory is 
 the foundation on which are built love 
 
 23 
 
and hate, gratitude and revenge. He 
 may not mount. Well wait and see, 
 while on his pay roll I'll serve him, nor 
 will I ever desert a check book that 
 hath no red ink station within its cov- 
 ers. 
 
 (curtain.) 
 
 24 §4 i 
 

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