I / French's International Copyrisntea (in Engrland, her Colonies and United States) Edition of the Work* of the Best Authors No. 381 PUNK OR THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL A Ridiculum in One Act BY EIENRY CLAPP SMITH Copyright, 1920, by Samuel French ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. CAUTION — The professional acting rights of "Punk" are reserved, and all applications for the professional act- ing- rights should be made direct .to Samuel French, 28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce "Punk" without payment of royalty. \ PRICE 27 CENTS New ¥ork SAMUEL FRENCH 28-30 WEST 38th Street PUBLISHER London SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd 26 SOUTHAMTON STREET STRAND I 1 • ll PUNK OR THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL A RiDicuLUM IN One Act BY HENRY CLAPP SMITH Copyright, 1920, By Samuel French CAUTION — The professional acting- rights of "Punk" are reserved, and all applications for the professional act- ing rights should be made direct to Samuel French, 28 West 38th St., New York. Amateurs may produce "Punk" without payment of royalty. New York SAMUEL FRENCH 28-30 WEST 38th Street PUBLISHER LOXDON SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd 26 SOUTHAMTOX STREET STRAND XP^' CHARACTERS Mrs. Harry CooTER{Ethel) Mrs. Ellery Gates Miss Bertha Bull Miss Leonie Gates Miss Isabel Griffen Helen, A Maid Mr. Harold W. Griffen (Her Brother) Hinman Foote Mr. Lincoln Anderson Clarence Bates Mr. Harry Cooper Meadows, a Butler Mr. Frank Thompson Any time, any evening, anywhere east of St. Louis. ^JUL 1 7 1920 TMP96-007167 / A THE AMATEUR REHEARSAL COSTUMES: Any modern costumes. SCENE: Any room. Any entrances. Furniture in any posi- Should consist of two high back sofas, two small tion, should consist of two high back sofas, two small tables, and small divan for two, wooden back preferred. Five small chairs. PROPERTIES : Manuscript prompt book. Paper and pencil. Illustrated magazines such as Theatre," 'Town and Countrv." Ruler. Lady's handkerchief. Gentleman's Handkerchief. Knitting. PUNK Scene : Opens with an empty stage, a noise of laughter off. Enter Mr. and Miss Griffen and Mr. Thompson. Isabel. Say! After all our hurry we are the first here. Harold. My dear, promptness is a virtue. Isabel. Yes and the reward is wasting your time waiting for others. {During the next speeches Thompson sets the stage to the inconvenience of others zvho are in the Wuy of the moving furniture. The details of this come later in the text.) Harold. Say old man don't you think we could change my part a little so I could have a little more action. Thompson. Oh, there will be action enough when you get rehearsing. Harold. Oh yes I know, but I mean something big. I really have got a lot of talent, and I would like to show what I could do. I played Caesar when I was eight, and my mother said it was un- usual. Thompson. Yes, I guess it was. (Hands him a chair which Harold stands and holds in his arms, continuing his conversation) Harold. I don't want to do anything that is not right, but if in the exposure scene you could let me have a big speech and break some furniture or some- thing. Action that's the stuff. 5 6 PUNK Thompson. Yes let's get a little action on this furniture. Isabel. Oh ! Mr. Thompson, what shall I wear. I have a lovely little blue organdie dress all trimmed with ruffles. Thompson. Yes Miss Griffen, but it is a little early to talk of costume yet. We have to wait un- til we get the scenery. Isabel. (Coyly) I want to ask you a question. Does Harry Cooper actually have to kiss me in the scene in the first act ? Thompson. Not at all. Stage kisses are like stage murders, all camouflaged. Isabel. (Disappointedly) That's what Harry said. _ Harold. Here come the others, I hear Lincoln whistling. Isabel. I think he is stuck on Bertha, don't you ? Harold. Can that gossip stuff. Thompson. I hope he is. If he would only use some of it in the show and not all of it "off stage."" (Enter Lincoln and Miss Bull. They quite evi- dently hai^e had a spat. Lincoln over enthusias- tieally greets Isabel.) Miss Bull. (To Thompson) I am awfully sorry, I thought I knew my lines. I held my hand over the book this morning and I only had to peek a very few times, but coming up in the taxi with Mr. Anderson, we tried to go through the love scene, but oh its so different when somebody says the lines instead of your reading them. Thompson. (Very unctuously) Why Miss Bull,. I am sure you know them, you are such good study. Miss Bull. (Revealing the cause of her dis- pleasure with Anderson) Mr. Anderson insists on holding hands all through the love scenes, and we did not do that last rehearsal, did we? PUNK 7 Thompson. I cannot blame him .wanting to. I will show you tonight. Harold. (Laying down magazine and interrupt- ing) Where do you suppose the Coopers are ? They are always late. Can't we begin without them? Thompson. No, we must begin at the beginning. Isabel. (To Anderson) I don't like Bevo, it tastes so flat. Don't you think so? , Lincoln. I don't know. I never tasted it. Miss Bull. Oh Mr. Thompson, what do you think I should wear? I have a blue dress of or- gandie, trimmed with ruffles. (Isabel listens attentively.) Thompson. Oh, anything you want to wear will be perfectly satisfactory, Miss Bull. Isabel, (Snorts) Tsah! Harold. (Has meamvhile laid on the sofa, and his head nozv appears over the back) Wake me up when you want me. I don't think those people are coming at all. (Noise of snoring) Miss Bull. I think Ethel comes late on purpose. Isabel. So do I. All The Men. Meow. Harold. Speaking of cats. (Noise off stage. Ethel Cooper enters breezily, follozved by Harry, more dead than alive.) Ethel. So sorry to be late, I made a mistake in the time and our car broke down. Lincoln. (To Isabel) What car do they run? Isabel. (Snorting) The Madison Avenue. Thompson. (Rapping on table) Now please everybody, a little attention. If we all work hard we will finish by lo 130. Now please notice how the scene is set. (The others pay no attention to him. Ethel and Lincoln are down right. Harry and 8^ ^PUNK Isabel down left, Harold is sitting on sofa up left zvith an open magazine. Miss Bull is sitting on the hack of the sofa knitting, looking at the pictures with Harold — Thompson continuing) This is an interior. {He had set the stage in the beginning exactly as he now describes it) These two sofas represent a wall of a room across the upper back of the stage, and tlie opening between them is center entrance. This is called ''up stage." This small table is placed at what is known as "left center" and is supposedly for the desk covered with books, papers, writing material, and a telephone. This is a revolving desk chair left of the desk. This is an armchair at right center. These other chairs are spread about for the present. This small divan is not on in this scene. (At present it is doivn left, Harry and Isa- bel seated in it, and it is so turned that they are facing the preceniiun arch and their backs to the others, Ethel and Lincoln have meanzvhile ap- propriated the sofa up right) Don't pay any at- tention to this table. {Which is dozen right, has the prompt book and ruler on it, and has the chair op- posite it so Thompson's hack when seated in the chair will he against the precenium arch right) That is mine. {He stands in the center facing the audience and points as follozvs) That is down stage, this is up stage, that is right, and that is left. And out there {Pointing front) you can imagine that you have an intelligent audience. Do you all understand ? {No anszver. Again repeats louder) Do you all understand ? Omnes. Yes. Thompson. Now let's begin, clear the stage every- body, Mr. Cooper please. Now the first scene in these old dramas open with servants on the stage, and they introduce the characters and disclose the plot. So it IS very essential that you should act quite PUNK 9 naturally and yet by accentuating the names let the audience know what it is all about. Now Miss Grif- fen you are on stage with a duster as I told you last time, and as you linish speaking, Harr>^ you come on ; and don't forget what I told you both — convey to the audience that you are fond of each other, and Miss Griffen, vou must be very flirtatious about it Harry. Oh Mabel ! (This to Isabel) Isabel. (To Harry) Oh, Herrie ! Thompson. Now ready take positions. Curtain goes up. Go ! Bing ! Isabel. (Dusting with hnaginary duster on the desk) Oh Lord, I do believe Mrs. is stuck on Mr, Bates, and that is the reason she won't let Miss Leonie marry him. Thompson. Come on Mr. Cooper, why don't you come on, that is your cue. Harry. I beg your pardon, I thought she had more to say. Thompson. Once again please. Miss Griffen, and don't dust the same spot all the time, and re- member what I told you, speak the names clearly. Isabel. Oh Lor I d@ believe Mrs. Gates is stuck on Mr. Bates, and that is the reason she won't let Miss Leonie marry him. (The names are fairly helloived) (Harry enters briskly swinging his left hand in the air. Thompson. What is the matter with your hand. Harry. (Stuffily) You told me I was to come in with a breakfast tray. Thompson. Yes, but this is a private house. You are carrying it like a colored waiter at the sea- shore. Now we will go on. Never mind Miss Grif- fen about repeating your speech. (She has been lo - - ^ PUNK trying to do so) Harry. Oh you saucy little baggage. And have you done the parlor yet. Isabel. I asks you Mr. Meadows to attend to your buisness and I will attend to mine. Harry. You need not put on hairs just because the Missus has a new beau. Isabel. So you have noticed it too Mr. Bright Eyes. Harry. I have, I have, and what is Mr. Gates going to say to that. I have been here night on to 15 years, and I have never seen the Missus take to anyone before like she has to Mr. Bates. Isabel. It's not for the likes of you to gossip about Mrs. Gates no matter if you have been here since Columbus discovered America. {She has bel- lowed all the names including Columbus and Amer- ica) Thompson. Miss Griffen you need not accentuate Columbus and America, they don't form part of the play. Isabel. (Repeating last line normally) No mat- ter if you have been here since Columbus discovered America. Harry. Is that so. Thompson. (Seeing Harry's hands by his sides) What have you done with that tray. Has it evapor- ated. Harry. You didn't tell me what to do with it. Thompson. Well the book tells you to put it on the desk. We won't go back to-night and do it over again, but I wish you two even though you're quar- reling would make it clear that you like each other. This will help your scene later on. _ Harry. Don't you think it would be better if I kissed the maid when I first come on. (Isabel all smiles.) PUNK II Thompson. No. Harry. All the old plays always started that way. Thompson. Please, please, let's stick to the au- thor's text and save your kisses for the later scene. (During this last Ethel gives her husband from the sofa tip R. a zvithering look.) Isabel. (Continuing the play) Here comes master. Thompson. We will cut this next scene between Gates and his Secretary as neither of them are here. We will now jump to the first scene of the two lov- ers. Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson. Lincoln. I hear you calling me. {Giggles all around.) Thompson. (Snappily) We will have your love scene in the first act. (Sweetly) Oh Miss Bull. (Ethel frorn nozv on looks from the back of the sofa and watches the follozving scene. Harold returns to his magazine. Harry and Isa- bel sit in the little settee dozvn l. and gencr^ ally act as if they zi'ere 17.) Thompson. Now begin. (Miss Bull is seated in the armchair r. center.) Lincoln. (Standing over her zvith an iinexpres- sive voice) Ah, Leonie, at last we are alone. Thompson. A little more animation please. Say it as if you meant it. Lincoln. Now look here old top, don't expect too much of me to-night, I am a little down. I had a hard day at the office. Thompson. Yes, but if you don't rehearse these 12 PUNK things how do you ever expect to be able to play them? Lincoln. That's all right, don't worry about me, just as soon as I get an audience I will come un. Ethel. (From the sofa) Oh an audience makes such a difference. Lincoln. (To Ethel) Yes you know I can't rehearse. Ethel. Neither can I., It seems like such a waste of time. Lincoln. I can't learn my lines by myself either. I have to have them "come to me" during rehear- sals. Ethel. Oh I am the slowest study. Thompson. Please, please. Lincoln. Ah Leonie, at last we are alone. Miss Bull. (Flirtatiously) As if that made any difference to you. Lincoln. Little you realize that you are every- thing in the world to me, the sun, the moon, the stars, all the gardens in the land, and the perfumes of a million flowers. Thomtson. Mr. Anderson don't count these items on your fingers so the audience can see you do it, and you should say it as if you meant it. Try and think 'the things you are saying. When you sav ''stars," see stars. Harold. (From the sofa) Hit him over the head. Thompson. Think gardens, and when you say perfume, act as if you were really smelling the most wonderful flowers. Lincoln. Say old topple that will not do me any good. I hate' them and I have Hay Fever. Ethel. I had an aunt once who was cured by hay fever in the most mysterious way. Thompson. That's all' right, Mrs. Cooper, please go ahead. PUNK 13 Lincoln, (Repeats speech in exactly the same tone of voice, adding on the end) — Is that better? Thompson. Yes, but even do it more so. Now listen and see if you can catch what I mean. (Does speech very sincerely. Miss Bull pleased and giggles) Now, try it again. (Lincoln does it exactly the same as before.) Miss. Bull. Oh vou think so. . Lincoln. I know so. Oh you most adorable one, heaven gave me thee. (Said in a monotone) (Mr. Thompson shivers.) Miss Bull. Don't Clarence. Don't. Lincoln. Leonie, dearest, listen to me. (Miss Bull rises) I never knew what it was to care for anyone until I met you. Now my entire being is changed. I need you, I want you, I cannot do with- out you. Leonie I love you. (The above is said ■without the slightest trace of emotion) Thompson. Couldn't you say that as if you"- meant it — I could. Lincoln. (Whispers to Ethel) I guess he •could. . . , Thompson. Don't be a wooden Indian, you must have made love to lots of women. (Ethel giggles) Say it again and make it strong. Lincoln. (Very deep and somber) Leonie, I love you. Thompson. Once again. Lincoln. Leonie, I love you. Say I could do this all right if the words were different. Let me try it once and use my own words. Thompson. Go ahead. Lincoln. (Using same voice) I love you damn it all. (Looks pleased with himself) Thompson. Never mind, we will do this by our- •selves some da v. 14 PUNK Miss Bull. Don't Clarence, don't. I can't bear it. I cannot be yours, because I am pledged to an- other. _ Lincoln. Another? Can this be true? Miss Bull. Yes, my Father has given me to a man I cannot love, and (sobbing) I have no busi- ness to tell you, but you have been so kind to me. Lincoln. Tell me, tell me, who is he. Miss Bull. It's Hinman Foote. Lincoln. Foote! Ah! A man I have always suspected, but how do you know him. What hold has your Father got over him. Tell me dearest. Miss Bull. I don't know except that years ago he did something for Father, and since then he has always been here. It is only recently that he took a great fancy to me, and Father and Mother both encourage him — and I am so unhappy. Lincoln. Weep on little one, rest your head on my shoulder. (Lincoln and Miss Bull, together) Can't we change that line? Harold. (From the sofa) Make it waistcoat. Thompson. You can stand on a foot stool. Miss Bull go ahead. Miss Bull. Mother likes you, but don't you see how hopeless it all is ? I should never have told you. Lincoln. What I can't understand is, what hold has Foote over your Father. That we must find out. That / must find out. Does your Mother know ? Miss Bull. I guess so, she knows a lot about Father's business. Lincoln. I have it. Patience dear. 'Tis a bold idea. I will make love to your mother, and try and glean from her the information that we seek. Miss Bull. Oh Clarence, I couldn't have you make love to another woman. Lincoln. Not even your mother. Miss Bull. Mother least of all. PUNK 15 Lincoln. And now dear I must go. Take this locket of my mother's. Miss Bull. Oh Clarence, you give me this. I should not take it. Everything is so hopeless. Lincoln. Nothin.<^ is hopeless. Thompson. (Indistinctly) Except your acting. Lincoln. Beg pardon? Thompson. Nothing. Lincoln. So farewell my treasure, my turtle dove, my baby blossom. Harold. Weasel words. Miss Bull. Good-bye. Lincoln. Good-bve. Miss Bull. Good-bye. Lincoln. Good-bye. (All four said in monotone.) Thompson. Whew! (Lincoln joins Ethel on sofa up r.) Now we will have the men's scene. Cooper, will you please read Gates' part. You are seated at the desk facing the center of the stage. Please be very gruff. Ethel. Aren't you ever going to use me. Thompson. A little later, Mrs. Cooper. Thompson. (Turning) Oh, Miss Bull, you did splendidly. (Turning to Griffen) Are you ready? (Griffen stands center, Cooper seated at desk.) Cooper. -Sit down Foote, how's everything? Harold. So so. I can't complain. Your daugh- ter is a fine girl, Gates. Harry. Betcha, none better in the world. Say, Foote, she's ever}1:hing to me, she is. Harold. Say who's this fellow Bates whose han^nng around here. Harry. Curious thing, I was going to speak of i6 PUNK that — (Mysteriously) what was the name of the man you took that paper from in the wreck ? Marold. Hush ! Clarence Bates. It's a queer name and would be a coincidence but Harry. Clarence Bates, the age of the kid is just about right. I will bet it's the son of Foote. Harold. Ah ! Well, why don't you announce the engagement and get him out of the way? (TJiis is said ivith a snarl) Thompson'. Be tough — show your character. Harold. (Repeats last speech in a dreadfully rongh manner, both voice and gesture) Thompson. Whoa! not quite so much, we will have nothing left for Act 3. Harold. Get him out of the way, he will pro- pose to her if we are not careful. Harry. No Foote, we will take a chance on that. I don't want her to announce her engagement until next month on her i8th birthday, see! Thompson. (Has been looking on his manu- script, and still looking at it says) Look common as you say "see." Harry. Hang it all, I am not playing this part. Thompson. Well look common anyway, it's good practice. Harry. I can't. Isabel. (Sarcastically but smilingly) Is that so ! Thompson. Sh ! Harold. You're the boss, say the word and we will get married. Sooner the better for me. Harry. Tell me Foote, I've forgotten it, how did you get possession of that j5aper? Harold. (Plays the next scene as sincerely and dramatically as possible zvithout raising the voice, but zvith intensity) It was a dark and stormy night and the rain fell in torrents, and I had gone to the mill to pay off the hands. The local I was going to take out of Devins Creek was on the siding wait- PUNK 17 ing for the through express. I was smoking on the platform, knowing the local would have to back down past me to get on to the main line. The main line signals were clear, and the express was late in making up time, the switch however had never been changed since the local took the siding. The en- gineer must have seen it, but too late ! He passed us with a rush and a roar — sparks flying from the Avheels — couplers crunching — whistles shrieking and then a crash 77/ never forget. (Pause) God it was awful. The hissing steam, the moaning groans, the cracking sparks as the coaches caught fire. As soon as we slathered our wits we started to the res- cue. Well, to make a long story short, I found a paper on the ground and the fact that it was a government paper interested me. I picked it up and as I did so an object near me moved — it was a man, and he was barely able to speak ; he couldn't move his body, so he jerked his head toward me, and I put the paper hurriedly in my pocket and knelt beside him as another man also reached him. He gave the other man a look and shaking his head to- ward me veiled ''Robbed!" ''Robbed!" so it turned my blood cold. I sometimes w^ake in the night yelling. I have a nightmare that often reoccurs, that fm the man. Harry. What has this to do with Clarence Bates? Thompson. That is pretty good Cooper, but you must put more life in it. You must see and feel wdiat you are doing. (Rising and gesticulating) Now when you say about the express train Rush and Roar make it sound like a fast train, and Hiss your Hissing Steam, and Moan your Moaning Groans. Harold. Let me do that over again. (Enthusi- astically said) Chorus. (All others except Thompson have Us- i8 PUNK tened intently to the long speech with tremendous interest. When Harold says ''Let me do that over again," they with equal enthusiasm say) No. Thompson. No we will go over that by ourselves- somewhere else. Lincoln. (/;; disgust) In a cellar. Thompson. {Getting a little peez'isJi) Go on^ I realize how hard these interruptions are for you,.' but we will try and suffer politely. Lincoln. Oh ! what a fine tail our cat's g;ot. Thompson. (Exasperated) Please, please, I am doing this to try and help you people and I am sure if you don't want it, etc. Lincoln. I will be good. (Disappears from vieiv behind the sofa, and immediately a scream comes from Ethel) Ethel. Stop. Harry. {W^ithont looking at her) Ethel! (Re- turning to his mss.) What has this to do with- Clarence Bates? Harold. Why the paper was the patent, our patent, and the specifications were there complete,. but the name of the patentee and the number of the patent were torn off. At the time I discovered that the man who died was Clarence Bates, and it was nearly five years before it occurred to me to find out if by chance he was the owner of the original patent. Harry. (In a dull meaningless voice) My God, so I have been using stolen property ? Harold. (Nervously to Thompson) I'm sorry old man I cannot put my best in it when the part's read to me. You know how it is. Harry. Well, I'm not doing this for pleasure. Harold. I don't mean you my dear Harry, — anyone. Harold, Harry and Thompson. (All begin talking at once in the middle of the stage loudly, PUNK 19 hut politely apologizing to each other. Harold does not zvant Harry's feelings hurt, Thompson is try- - ing to explain how difficult it is to rehearse without the proper cast ; Harry is trying to express his will- ingnessjo he of service. ) Lincoln. What's this, the rehearsal of a Pacifist Meeting or a dog fight? ^ Thompson. Please everybody; Mr. Griffen, we will do this scene with Mr. Gates by ourselves. Now everyone please pay attention. (Noticing sofa up R. ) Mrs. Cooper. (Gets her attention) Thank you. Now we will have the scene between Clarence Bates and Mrs. Gates where he makes love to her. Omnes. Ah! Thompson. Sh ! Ethel. Oh Mr. Thompson, what shall I wear. I have a lovely organdie dress with a lovely green sash. Thompson. Mrs. Cooper, we can talk about that later. Ethel. {With a winning look) Yes, but I want to get something to please you, and I could rehearse so much better if I knew what I could wear. Thompson. Yes of course, anything you wear would be lovely. Ethel. Oh, do you think so ? Lincoln. {Who has meanzuhile stood center very hored) Am I posing for a statue, or are we going to rehearse. Thompson. Now remember folks, this is the op- ening curtain of Act 2 and you must pick it up. Mrs. Gates you are fanning yourself. Here take this ruler for a fan, and now Anderson put yourself into this. Ready. Curtain. Bing ! Lincoln. {Plays the following zvith Mrs. Gates in a flippant kidding manner hardly ever heing really serious) If I had not been introduced to you 20 PUNK as Leonie's mother, I would have taken you two for sisters. Ethel. Which one of us would you have made love to? Lincoln. (Said in imitation of Frank Tinney as much as possible) Ah! How can you ask L (This is done h\ putting a rising reflection on the zvord ''ask.") Thompson. Don't say that like Frank Tinney, whisper it. Lincoln. (Whispers the line in the same tone of voice as the dungeon scene in "Monte Crista.") Thompson. Don't be so murderous, put your heart in it. (Lincoln witJi a sarcastic laugh; then repeats fairly well. ) Lincoln. I'd think you gorgeous. Say, how can it be dark in the moonlight. Ethel. Sillv, haven^t vou ever looked for cover on a moonlight night. Lincoln. Oh boy ! Thompson. Please folks. Lincoln. Pd think you gorgeous. Ethel. I am afraid vour bark is bisfsrer than your bite. Lincoln. I would like to bite you. Ethel. (Promptly) That is not in the text. Tpiompson. Now please, please. Ethel. Stop your fooling. Thompson. Now good people, I can't go on if Lincoln. (Puts hands together in prayer with a Saint-like face) I will be good. (Says this to Miss Griffen) Do you know when I first saw you I thought you were Grace Leontine, the handsomest deb. in Newport, but when I came nearer I knew it could not be, for she hasn't such lovely hair. Ethel. W'hv Clarence, vou flatter me. PUNK 21 Lloyd. Not a 'tall, not a 'tall. Thompson. Don't say not a 'tall, say not at all. Lincoln. Notta all, notta all. Ethel. (Rcnionstratiugly) Clarence. Lincoln. Oh Lady Ellery, you say Clarence so it thrills me. Ethel. Thrills you ! How ? Lincoln. (Pensively) How can I tell you. It makes me — ambitious. It makes me — want to — want to Harold. (From the sofa) Throw a brick. Ethel. Sh ! Ethel. (Continuing) Yes, yes. Lincoln. It makes me want to say so many many thinos I ou2:htn't to. Ethel. Ah you must know how I dote on ought'nts to. Lincoln. (Said sincerely and tenderly) You're wonderful ! gol darn it ! Thompson. Mr. Anderson, please, please, that is not in the text. Lincoln. No, but I thought it would make it more emphatic. Thompson. Good gracious man. It's you and not the words that must be emphatic. Go after Mrs. Gates as if you loved her. (Miss Griffen snick- ers) The author's lines are all right. It's the de- livery. Remember put your mind on the delivery. Harold. (In a loud voice similar to a train an- nouncer) As a special war measure all stores will have but one delivery a day. (Catches Thomp- son's eye, finishes lamely) I beg your pardon. Lincoln. (To Harold) Lie down Towser. (Harold sinks down out of sight behind the back of the sofa, holding his nose as if going iindefi water. Lincoln turns to Ethel) You're won- derful. 22 PUNK Ethel. You must not look at me like that. (Turning to Thompson) Don't you think Mr. Thompson, he ought to look at me wickedly? He ought to pretend he is bad. Thompson. Well. (Whispers to Ethel and Lincoln) Harry. (To Isabel) Huh, I just thought of a good one ; as Lincoln is so handsome why can't he .look at Bella wickedly? Isabel. \\'hy ? Harry. Because he can't be a bad looker. Ha ! Ha! Isabel. (Kittenish) Oh Herrie. Ethel. (Repeats line zvhile Lincoln leers at her) You must not look at me like that. Lincoln. Don't reproach me Mrs. Gates, I ad- mit I should not see so much of you, (Sighing) I cannot trust myself. Ethel. (Hand on stomach) C-1-a-r-e-n-c-e. Thompson. Mrs. Cooper you place your hand over your heart it would be much more effective, also it would look much better. Lincoln. Admit you like my attentions even thou2:h vou should not. Ethel. (Playfully) Naughty boy. (Hits him with the ruler) Lincoln. Ow. Harold. Hit him again for me. Ethel. Oh I am so sorry Lincoln, I forgot ; I thought it was a fan, vou know if I get into a part I Thompson. Yes, ^Irs. Cooper, (Pleasantly) now let's go on. Ethel. Naughty boy. (Makes playful pass at him which he dodges) Lincoln. Say old top I can't manage these love scenes. Hang it, I am good in a parlor if the par- lor's empty^ but I am too tall. PUNK 23 Ethel, Bertha and Isabel. (In chorus) Ridic- ulous, the audience loves a tall man. Ethel. Couldn't you kneel at my feet. Omnes. (Except Thompson) Yes, why not? Lincoln. Oh that's too much work. If I had some other woman who was Ethel. (Testily) Who was what please. Lincoln. I was going to say — who was taller. Harold. Let's wait till Ethel grows up. Isabel. (Rather suggestively) You never grow after you are thirty. Ethel. (Who overhears her — glibly) Didn't jou? Harry. (With a smile at Isabel) When are Ave going to rehearse our big kissing scene ? * Isabel. Oh Herrie. Thompson. Let me think this over. (Looks at watch) It's getting late, so leWs do the big finale of Act 3, I see you are all getting tired. Harold. Not tired, thirsty. Thompson. Please now out lots of oeo into X. i. X this. '(All clear except Lincoln. He sits chair r. and pantomimes pouring out a drink, and as he fin- ishes drinking it, Harold and Harry both say ''Ah," smack their lips, then Lincoln goes l. and sits at chair l. of desk, looks alarmed and sud- denly rises and reaches for the table.) Isabel. (Baby talk) Did he thit on a tack? Miss Bull. (Taking it seriously) Oh did he? Lincoln. Don't you know pantomime when you see it? I heard the phone ring. Isabel. I would be all tired out if I jumped like that every time I heard our phone ring. For since Harold joined the lodge Lincoln. Sh ! (To imaginary phone) Hello! 24 PUNK Yes, this is Mr. Gates' residence — yes — no — (Looks around) I am the Butler — {is very intent) yes. (Loke excited, then blank, then hangs the hook up and down) Hello. Hell-o — Hello-o Hell-o — Hell; o-Hello— Hello, Hello. Harry. Cut the comedy. Lincoln. {Leaving phone) Thunder I hope he will ring again. {Sees imaginary paper on desk, picks it lip. very carefully, looks secretively around him, whistles softly, replaces paper after reading it, says to Harold) Well, why don't you go on? Harold. I come on when you cross right. Lincoln. No, I am here when you come on. Harold. Don't you remember you crossed, so as to be away from the desk^.nd then I come on Lincoln. No, Thompson had me here — you come on Thompson. I think you come on — {Diz'cs into his Mss.) Harry. {To Isabel) Your brother is a come on. Ha ! Ha ! Isabel. That's the rottenest joke. Thompson. Sh ! Yes, you are by the chair, Mr. Anderson. Lincoln. No, you said last rehearsal Thompson. Well, anyway it's better business to be over here. Lincoln. {Whiningly) I don't mind of course, but if I get mixed up with all these changes Harold. If you don't cross old man I will come in anyway. (Lincoln Crosses. Harold enters, both glare at each other.) Harold. Hello, Bates. {Nasty drawl) What' are you doing here ? Lincoln. I think that's my business. ' PUNK 25 Harold. Is that so ? I think your presence here 4s de trop. (Pronounced as spelled in English "de Jroppe") Ethel, Miss Bull, Isabel and Thompson. DE TROP. {Pronounced correctly as if "Tro") Harold. {Correctly) De trop. Lincoln. And since when are you the Queen Bee of this hive ; you're not one of the family. Harold. I represent the family in this matter, and I have Mr. Gates' wishes fully expressed, and I say that your presence here is unnecessary to put it mildly. Lincoln. You're playing with something that's none of your business. Harold. I will make it my business. Lincoln. Not if I know it. Harold. And who are you? Lincoln. {With great distinctness and enunci- ation) The son of the man you robbed. Harold. WHAT ! {Hands to hip pocket) Lincoln. {Ditto business) None of that. {Each draw slowly handkerchiefs to simulate revolvers. Lincoln produces a dainty lady's lace pocket hand- kerchief zvhich is observed by everyone except him- self, and all laugh and cat calls, etc.) What's funny? {He is still quite tense from his scene. Ethel sees and recognises the handkerchief and snatches it from Lincoln, zvho looks fussed. Isabel goes into giggles, and puts her handkerchief in her mouth. Ethel is artificially nonchalant. Harry looks daggers. Miss Bull looks horrified) Harold. {Sneeringly) So that's your little game is it? {To Ethel as Mrs. Gates nozv enters from R. and overhears unseen by Harold and Lincoln) Lincoln. Yes, and my cards are on the table and not up my sleeve or stolen. (Harold grozvls at Lincoln and Lincoln grozvls 26 PUNK back.) Harold. Well what are you going to do about it? Lincoln. I am going to expose you to Mr. Gates. (Harold, villain laugh) Ethel. (Suaz'cly) Gentlemen. Lincoln. (With a bow) Mrs. Gates. (But does it very badly) Thompson. Oh! I say Anderson, use a lot of manner and voice, "Mrs. Gates/' Lincoln. (Repeats a^ badly as before) Mrs. Gates. Thompson. I told you: say it like Charles Sur- face in the screen scene says **Lady Teazle"; of course cut out the flourish and the bow. Lincoln. Never saw it old top. Is it one of Cohan's? Ethel. Never saw "School for Scandal," your education has been neglected. I shall take you to see it the first time it is played again. Isabel. Did you see Lillian Russell's musical version — Oh ! she was lovely. Thompson. Please! Well anyway, don't be so lifeless. Lincoln. I am sorry but I told you I am down to-night. You perhaps don't work in your office. Ethel. Oh ! let's get finished. Gentlemen. Lincoln. Lady Gates. (Does it beautifully and all applaud) Thompson. Fine, only next time say Mrs. Gates and not Lady Gates. (From now on Thompson gets more and more nervous and upset) Ethel. (Pleasantly but artificially) W^hat are you two gossiping about. Lincoln. (As they replace handkerchiefs in pockets) About the specifications of the new army- revolvers, and here is Miss Gates. (Miss Bull has PUNK 2r joined Harry and Isabel down L., ayid pays no at- tention and misses her cue. Lincoln loudly) And here is MISS GATES. Thompson. {Very siveetly) Please^ Miss Bull, pay attention, your entrance please. Miss Bull. I'm sorry. Oh! I have forgotten my lines — I have forgotten my lines. Omnes. ''How do you do everybody ?" {Prompt- ing her) Miss Bull. Oh ! yes — how stupid, "How do you do everybody?" Lincoln. Good afternoon. Ethel. My dear, don't you and Mr. Foote want to walk in the garden. Lincoln. Before you go pleasfe Miss Gates may I have the paper from the locket I gave you so many weeks ago? (Miss Bull pulls locket from her dress.) Ethel. {Turns savagely on her) How dare you wear jewelry given you by a strange man and not inform your mother? Miss Bull. Oh! don't, don't. {Shudders) Ethel. What's the matter? ' Miss Bull. Oh you were so cross you frightened me. Ethel. My dear I was only acting. Miss Bull. {Tearfully) I know but I thought you might hit me. Isabel. {To YI^r^y disgustedly) Oh! d-d-dear. Thompson. It's all right, Miss Bull, please con- tinue. Lincoln. In this locket of my mother's is a piece of paper that was found on my father's body when he was killed in the railw^, wreck j:hirty vears ago. On this paper is a number and for years I have wondered what the number meant, and onl}r 28 PUNK recently after much work have I found out what it means. Harold. ( Threateningly ) And what is itj Lincoln. It's the number torn from a patent, and that patent was stolen from my father at his death. Ethel and Miss Bull. What? Thompson. Don't say it so flirtatiously, surprise — surprise — good heavens good people do you real- ize in a week you are going to face an audience, and this milk and water acting won't do. It's awful. Dreadfully meak mouthed. Throw your- selves into it. Mr. Cooper, play the father's part, will you, and enter and catch Mrs. Gates on her cue. You know it. Now, come on everybody, a little pep, a little life, please. And out there (Point- ing front) you can imagine you have an intelligent audience. Lincoln. Where are we? Thompson. Heavens, you are everywhere but in this scene. I give up. Bah ! Do you realize out there (Points to audience) will be human beings who've paid real money to look at you puppys-PUP- PETS. Even if they are good-natured, even if a few of them are bright and guess what you're driv- ing at, it doesn't mean they should be bored to death. Bah ! Ethel. I say "what." Lincoln. Oh yes — and today I found the pres- ent owner of the patent and he has got to make him- self accountable. Harold. (Snecringly) Are you so sure you know him. Lincoln. (Fairly hissing) Yes, and he knows I know. Harold. Is that so ; and who might the fellow be, Mr. Detective? Lincoln. I will tell you who it is if you really PUNK 29 want to know. Harold. [Jeeringly) Say it, say it. Lincoln. (Pointing at him) It's Hinman Foote. (Both women scream.) Harold. (Triumphantly) N;^, he is not the owner. The owner of that patent is Ellery Gates. (Lincoln thunderstruck also Miss Bull; Ethel screams and faints in the arms of Mr. Cooper, who has entered as Gates and zvho drops her. Im- mediately argument between the Coopers. Lin- coln and Harold get out cigarettes and become chatty. Miss Bull and Isabel gossip in the corner. Thompson sits on the little table down r., pidls out his hair.) Lincoln. Come on, everybody, let's go for a beer. All. (Except Thompson) Yes, come, etc Thompson. A beer, a beer." Get me anywhere away from this pilace. (Harry turns to Lincoln and Harold and explains hozv he dropped Ethel, and all three women pounce on Mr. Thompson Ort once saving) Oh! Mr. Thompson, now tell me what shall I wear, I have a lovely, etc. Curtain. TAG FOR FIRST CURTAIN Ladies. What shall I wear, etc. Would a sum- mer dress do? (Quick silence) Isabel. Oh, I think this is a stupid old play. Who wrote it, anyway? Ethel. Yes, come on, who wrote this play. Who is the author? Thompson. (In despair slowly) I am the au- thor. (Expires on table, rest silent and flabber- gasted) LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 016 103 698 5