^%^^^^^*y \;^^-V^ V'-"^^V^ ^1 .0^ ^Q^ }p-n^. ^ V^?^\/ %*^-'*/ v"^*/ i^ . * ' • * "^j. rr « » " • « ^3 _ -oif -^-o^ . 4,'' ^;4*iv ""^^ <.-^^ *bV^ .^q. s**^^^ V^'i'' ^v.^^^ ■ » " ^^ . " 9 r^o' ^uv.> %.^^ At the Sign of the Dollar 3AY, WHAT IS ETERNITY, NATURE AND GOD, COMPARED WITH THE INTER-GRAB GASLIGIITING CO?' AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR "By WALLACE IRWIN Pictures by E. W. KEMBLE NEW YORK FOX DUFFIELD & COMPANY Copyright igos by Fox Duffield & Company \C\0^ Published September, igos CONTENTS PACE Processional ii The Lost Inventor „ ... 15 The Panama Brook 17 The Reveries of a Whitewasher 19 Niagara Be Dammed 23 The Missionary and the Standard Oil ..... 27 If Christ Should Go to Church 30 The Ballad of Grizzly Gulch 32 The Party Wakeners 36 Senator Copper's House 38 The Innocents 41 The Mill 43 Maxims of a Monopolist 46 A Testimonial 48 Uncle Sam — Nursemaid 51 The Merit System in Hell 53 Immigration 56 Plaint of an Ancient Cliff-Dweller 58 A Letter from Home 61 A Few Words from Wilhelm 63 O Cheerful Bird! 6$ VI CONTENTS PAGE Officer O'Leary at the Crossing 67 Grandeur 69 Fourth of July 71 A Day with Dives 74 Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee 76 The Pirate and the Cabman 78 " Frenzied Finance " 80 Holy Johnnie's Sermon 82 The Price of Piety 83 The Heritage of Rest 84 May Madness 86 Circumstances and Cases 90 Democracy 92 To the Pure All Food Is Pure 94 Crankidoxology 97 After Reading a Chapter by Henry James .... 100 To an Indian Skull 102 The Ant and the Elephant 104 The Poet of Futurity 106 Fall Styles in Faces . . . ■ 108 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS "Say, What is eternity, nature and God, com- pared with the Inter-Graft Gaslighting Co.?" Frontispiece FACING PAGE "Where's the knight more trained to kick cor- ruption in the eye?" 12 . "Earth is crying 'Ave Tom' and Heaven is crying 'Fudge'!" 14 "Friends and fellow-citizens, we're poor men all together." 20 "The public be damned while we dam up the Falls." 24 " 'Dee-lighted,' cries the smiling bear." . . 30 "Then comes a disappointed wail from every rock and tree." 32 "The constitution rides behind, the big stick rides before." 34 "And after that take off your hats and you may look at me." 36 '' " 'How,' sez the Senator, 'can I look proudest? Build me a house that'll holler the loudest?'" 40 "I've taken Ze-ru-na for forty-nine days." . 48 "My wife's throwing fits." 50 "Congressman Snide." 54 "Jah Also." 56 "I see so much vat iss nicht Dutch." ... 62 "I talk so much like Rosenfelt I dink ve must pe tvins." 64 "Der Kaiser, he iss more as yet." ... 70 "Then you'll blow into Newport and purchase a yacht." 80 - viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS FACING PAGE "As the fierce, philistine laymen, Harsh, un- sympathetic draymen, Seize my Lares and Penates by the hair.'' 86 "Yelling 'Sli-i-de !' in yonder lot." ... 88 "Wilkinson, the banker, in his garden over there." 90 "Woodland Pan stands sulkily a-nailing up a shingle." 92 "For I place great reliance in subsidized sci- ence." 94 "I'm killin' folks off at a nominal profit." . 96 "For food education has long been ray hobby." 100 ACKNOWLEDGMENT Dear Reader, pray stand with your hat in your hand, While the Author's plain duty is done. I will not dissemble — the pictures by Kemble, Were loaned by P. Collier & Son. To Collier is due thanks for many rhymes, too; To Life and the Globe grand merci, And still others yet I'll acknowledge the debt, Of my Muse, and my music, and me. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR. At the Sign of the Dollar the Pilgrim lags, And the Saint drives tip with his money-hags. Tinkle-and-chink goes the merry din Of the all-night game they are playing within. Ho! Mr. Landlord, welcome them all, Saint and sinner, mighty and small, JVhile the shorn lambs bleat and the gold- calves bawl At the jolly old Sign of the Dollar! At the Sign of the Dollar the bets fly fast As under the table the cards are passed; Or the Honored Citizen zvins the stakes JVith the loaded dice which he slyly shakes. Ho! Mr. Landlord, welcome the van. Statesman, lawyer, business man — Rob-as-rob-will or catch-as-catch-can , At the jolly old Sign of the Dollar! AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR PROCESSIONAL (Suggested by Lawson's famous " Portrait of Myself:') Wake up, Muse ! get busy with the Hme-llght and the thunder, Hot-air, sulphur, chloroform and braying trumpets hoarse ! Jove, turn in a fire-alarm, and, Mortals, stand from under — Here comes Thomas Lawson with the Ban- dits of the Bourse ! Wow ! ! Skeedaddle, priests of Baal — clear out and cease to bore us — Hither rides Elijah in a Boston auto-car — Maidens, scatter Lawson pinks and raise your Frenzied Chorus, Sending Wrong to stygian deeps, and Cop- per Range to par! 12 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Who Is it a-riding at the head of the proces- sion ? Who the captives chained and bound ath- wart his chariot wheels? One need hardly answer such a very foolish question — That is Truthful Thomas with the System at his heels. See poor Rockefeller limping feebly with the vanquished, Sunlight beating fiercely on his head so bowed and bare; See Hank Rogers following, his features drawn and anguished. Crying as he stumps along, " O spare us, Cassar, spare! " What! Is that P. Morgan, lord of Artist, Cook and Scullion, Led behind the Victor with a ring drawn through his nose? What! Is that Carnegie, patron saint of Books and Bullion, Howling as the whip-lash falls athwart his Scottish hose? Woe among the Golden Gang, for Lawson he has spoken ! 'WHERE'S THE KNIGHT MORE TRAINED TO KICK CORRUPTION IN THE EYE?" AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 13 (That's no lie, for speaking is the best thing that he does.) " Lo ! the zinc-toothed, gawping maw of Wall Street shall be broken. Mammon shall be swatted — and the Swat- ter shall be US ! " Where's the lad more fit than me to splifi- cate oppression ? Where's the knight more trained to kick Corruption in the eye ? Where's the real Sir Galahad? — (Excuse this shy expression. Pubhc life's distressing to a quiet, modest guy-) " Friends and fellow-citizens, we're poor men all together — We don't choose to stand around and see our money spent! Wait till I get Rogers' little Copper Trust in tether, Then each woman, man, and child shall have — a copper cent! " Bang the brazen cymbals! the procession on- ward sweeping. See the Frenzied Financiers behind his chariot trudge. 14 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Banks are paying dividends, the poor for joy are weeping, Earth is crying, " Ave Tom ! " and heaven is crying, " Fudge! " * * * * In the streets of Boston, where the Triumph proudly capers. Literary statues are behaving very queer. Lowell, in some embarrassment, consults his " Bigelow Papers," Emerson says, " Goodness me! " and rubs his marble ear. Up on Boston Common there's a statue being bullded. Labelled, " Chapters Gone Before " and " Chapters Still Unread," Representing Lawson on a pillar highly gilded Reading proof and selling stocks while standing on his head. 'earth is crying 'AVE TOM !' AND HEAVEN IS CRYING 'FUDGE !' THE LOST INVENTOR Patriotic fellow-citizens, and did you ever note How we honor Mr. Fulton, who' devised the choo-choo boat? How we glorify our Edison, who made the world to go By the bizzy-whizzy magic of the little dynamo? Yet no spirit-thrilling tribute has been ever heard or seen For the fellow who invented our Political Machine. Sure a fine, inventive genius, who has labored long and hard. Till success has crowned his research, should receive a just reward. The Machine's a great invention, that's con- tinually clear. Out of nothing but corruption making mill- ions every year — Out of muck and filth of cities making dollars neat and clean — Where's the fellow who invented the Political Machine? Hail the complex mechanism, full of cranks and wires and wheels, i6 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Fed by graft and loot and patronage, as noise- lessly It reels. Press the button, pull the lever, clickety-cllck, and set the vogue For the latest thing in statesmen or the new- est kind of rogue. Who's the man behind the throttle? Who's the Engineer unseen? " Ask me nothin' ! Ask me nothin' ! " clicks that wizard, the Machine THE PANAMA BROOK I come from haunts of Washington And make a sudden sally To rouse the sleepy Isthmian And bicker through his valley. Through thirty hills they'll shovel me, Through thirty Constitutions, By thirty millions in Paree And thirty revolutions. Till through the microbe beds I flow Toward the yellow fever; For germs may come and germs may go, But I go on forever. And In and out they draw my route, With here an angry Solon, And here and there a question mark, And here and there a Colon. With here and there a Watterson To rant of '' P. Vanilla," And here a Nicaragua gun From some outraged flotilla. But still my undug banks I fret By many a tropic hovel, i8 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR And wonder where the deuce they'll get The laborers to shovel. For while my dank miasmas grow Malaria's saffron fever, Disease may come, disease may go, But I go on forever. THE REVERIES OF A WHITE- WASHER Oh, a whitewasher stood at the Capitol steps, And worked with his main and his might To cover the spots and the national blots With a coat of indelible white. 'Twas a tough little job as he threw on each gob Of blanketing, comforting, innocent goo; But he labored with spunk, as he thunk and he thunk The following thoughts, which I'm giving to you : — " Since the railroads are invariably honest, And the Beef Trust's being managed at a loss; Since the gas gangs, in communion, are a phil- anthropic union. Making happy all the cities that they cross, " Let us turn our thoughts to higher, nobler topics. Let us speak of ancient history or Poe, Let us send to deep perdition every sneaking, base suspicion Of our honest, simple neighbors here be- low. 19 20 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR " Do you think a noble statesman In the sen- ate Would accept a higher mileage than he ought? That a decent legislator would take tips just like a waiter? Oh, my friends, forget that very wicked thought ! " And hasn't Mr. Garfield shown the Beef Trust Quite averse to worldly grovelings for pelf? Doesn't Rockefeller, grieving, think of heaven more than thieving, As he's very fond of telling us himself? " Let us speak of public monuments and sculp- ture. And the influence of art upon the day, — Let's admire that statue pleasing Governor Pettyplcker's raising To the fumigated memory of Quay. " It is hard to think of Mr. Hogdon Char- mour As poisoning the mutton that we eat, Or as charging Klondike prices for the beef he daily slices, — Why, he's such a perfect gentleman to meet! AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 21 " And It's horrid mean of Folk, to mention grafters, Or for La Follette to swamp the railway deal: And, as for Hoch, of Kansas, his effrontery unmans us When he calls the Standard's enterprise ' a steal ! ' " There is far too much of this Investigation, Which merely breeds dissension and unrest; Don't you think the men of station who are farming out the nation Are considerately acting for the best? " It Is wrong to steal a horse or break a win- dow, It is wrong to kill a widow with an ax ; And I'm sure such crimes disgusting can't be blamed upon the trust-Ing Gentlemen whom you malign by your at- tacks. " Far better those Inclined to kick and cavil Should stay at home and think about their souls, Than be always poking after some obscure but honest grafter, Stirring up a nasty mess around the polls I 22 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR " Then, come, let's think of finer, sweeter topics. Child culture, home life, caring for the teeth. While the nation is reclining in a coat of kal- somining Meant to symbolize the purity beneath." " Them beauties o' Nature," said Senator Grabb, As he spat on the floor of Justitia's halls, *' Is pretty enough and artistic enough — Referrin', of course, to Niagara Falls, Whose waters go rumblin' and mumblin' and grumblin' And tearin' and stumblin' and bumblin' and tumblin' And foamin' and roarin'. And plungin' and pourin' And wastin' the waters God gave to us creech- ers To wash down our liquor and wash up our feechers — Then what in the deuce Is the swish-bingled use O' keepin' them noisy old cataracts busy 23 24 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR To give folks a headache and make people dizzy? " Some poets and children and cripples and fools They say that them Falls is eternal. That so? Say, what is Eternity, Nature, and God Compared to the Inter-Graft Gaslighting Co.? Could all the durn waterfalls born in creation Compete with a sugar or soap corporation? But Nature, you feel, Has a voice in the deal ? She ain't. For I'm deaf both in that ear and this un — If Nature talks Money I'm willin' to listen ! So bring on your dredges, And shovels and sledges, Yer bricklayers, masons, yer hammers and mauls — The public be dammed while we dam up the Falls. " Jest look at the plans o' me beautiful dream ! A sewer-pipe conduit to carry the Falls Past eight hundred mill-wheels (great savin' of steam) ; AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 25 The cliffs to be covered with dump heaps and walls, With many a smokestack and fly-wheel and pulley, Bridge, engine, and derrick — say, won't it look bully ! With furnices smokin', And stokers a-stokin' With factory children a-workin' like Scotches A-turnin' out chewing - gum, shoe - laces, watches, And kitchen utensils. And patent lead-pencils, And mission-oak furniture, pie-crust, and flan- nels — Thus turnin' Nlag' to legitimate channels. " The province o' Beauty," said Senator Grabb, " Is bossed by us fellers that know what to do. When Senator Copper hogs half of a State He builds an Art Palace on FIft' Avenoo. What people believed in the dark Middle Ages Don't go In this chapter o' history's pages, And the worship of mountains And rivers and fountains 26 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Is sinful, idolatrous, dark superstition — And likely to lose in a cash proposition. Ere the good time is past Let's git busy and cast Our bread on the waterfall — it'll come back. We'll first pass the Grabb Bill, and then pass the sack." THE MISSIONARY AND THE STAND- ARD OIL A missionary gentleman he crossed the lisping tide And landed on a desert isle where cannibals reside, And soon he saw a savage man who he dis- tinctly knew Was Emperor To-Tommy of the tribe of Gumbo Goo. " O savage man, O savage man, come hither as you should, For here I have some articles intended for your good; Some shaving-soap, a button-hook, a shirt of great expanse. And those bi-furcate garments by the vulgar known as ' pants.' " The cannibal he gulped and blushed, not knowing what to say; He bit his nails, and answered in a halting, sheepish way, " Oh, think me not ungrateful for your kindly, thoughtful toil — But, sir, I cannot take a gift that's bought by Standard Oill" 28 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR "Tush! nonsense!" said the saintly man, *' You shouldn't mind a bit — Try on these patent leather shoes. I'm sure they'll be a fit." But stubbornly the cannibal his kingly feet withdrew And gazed across the palmy shades of tropic Gumbo Goo. " 'Tis true," he said, *' my simple ways you probably despise; On truffled babes and human steaks I often gormandize; I sometimes kill my neighbors, too, I some- times beat my wife — But otherwise I've always Jed a sweet, straightforward life. " If Rockefeller had but made his monumen- tal sum In peanuts, leather, almanacs, health-food or chewing-gum, I might be willing with his gifts my royal hands to soil — But one must draw the line somewhere; I draw at Standard Oil." The chieftain's voice was choked with sobs. " I'll not get over this. Perhaps — perhaps you'll come again. I'll take it not amiss, AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 29 Next time you call around this way, if you should bring to me Some Art from Pierpont Morgan or some Books from Andrew C." The missionary packed his grip, and naught he had to say, But with a tired, discouraged air he sadly turned away, Then whistled for the pilot-boat and silently withdrew From Emperor To-Tommy of the isle of Gumbo Goo. IF CHRIST SHOULD GO TO CHURCH Bare of head and bare of feet Christ and Poverty walked the street, Past the curse and the muck and the grime, Past the door and the haunt of crime. Past the glare and the flaunt of sin, And it was a Church that he entered in. The Christmas prayer at the desk was said, And the Rich Parishioner bowed his head. Through the carven oak of the organ-loft The golden music trembled soft, And a high-priced tenor, sweet of throat, Poured through the arches his mellow note. In the velvet reach of each cushioned pew The pampered worshippers dozed, for they knew The gifts and bequests that could insure Their seats in the House of God secure. " O come, all ye faithful ! " the pastor said. And the Rich Parishioner bowed his head. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 31 Velvet and furs on every side, Sloth and fatness, vanity, pride, Then where in the Temple of Prayer was a seat For the tattered of gown and the bare of feet? Sat a simple bench by the panelled door. *' Reserved for the Poor " was the sign it bore. And the Poor Parishioner huddled there — Small place had he in the Temple of Prayer. Old and feeble and mendicant, Yet humble withal and a suppliant. And the Son of Man, as he entered, eyed The throng who knelt to the prayer of pride. Then he turned to the suppliant shabby and hoar And sat in the Pauper's Bench by the door. " O come, all ye faithful," the pastor said, And Christ and Poverty bowed the head. THE BALLAD OF GRIZZLY GULCH The rocks are rough, the trail Is tough, The forest lies before. As madly, madly to the hunt Rides good King Theodore With woodsmen, plainsmen, journalists And kodaks thirty-four. The bob-cats howl, the panthers growl, " He sure is after us! " As by his side lopes Bill, the Guide, A wicked-looking cuss — " Chee-chee! " the little birds exclaim, " Ain't Teddy stren-oo-uss ! " Though dour the climb with slip and slime, King Ted he doesn't care, Till, cracking peanuts on a rock. Behold, a Grizzly Bear! King Theodore he shows his teeth. But he never turns a hair. " Come hither. Court Photographer," The genial monarch saith, " Be quick to snap your picture-trap As I do yon Bear to death." " Dee-lighted ! " cries the smiling Bear, As he waits and holds his breath. 33 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 33 Then speaks the Court Biographer, And a handy guy Is he, *' First let me wind my biograph, That the deed recorded be." *' A square deal! " saith the patient Bear, With ready repartee. And now doth mighty Theodore For slaughter raise his gun; A flash, a bang, an ursine roar — The dready deed Is done ! And now the kodaks thirty-four In chorus click as one. The big brown bruin stricken falls And in his juices lies; His blood Is spent, yet deep content Beams from his limpid eyes. " Congratulations, dear old pal! " He murmurs as he dies. From Cripple Creek and Soda Springs, Gun Gulch and Gunnison, A-foot, a-sock, the people flock To see that deed of gun ; And parents bring huge families To show what they have done. 34 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR On the damp corse stands Theodore And takes a hand of each, As loud and long the happy throng Cries, " Speech! " again and " Speech 1 " Which pleaseth well King Theodore, Whose practice is to preach. " Good friends," he says, " lead outdoor lives And Fame you yet may see — Just look at Lincoln, Washington, And great Napoleon B. ; And after that take off your hats And you may look at me ! " But as he speaks, a Messenger Cries, " Sire, a telegraft! " The king up takes the wireless screed Which he opens fore and aft, And reads : " The Venezuelan stew Is boiling over. " Taft." Then straight the good King Theodore In anger drops his gun And turns his flashing spectacles Toward high-domed Washington. *' O tushl " he saith beneath his breath, *' A man can't have no fun ! " AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 35 Then comes a disappointed wail From every rock and tree. " Good-by, good-by! " the grizzlies cry And wring their handkerchee. And a sad bob-cat exclaims, " O drat! He never shot at me ! " So backward, backward from the hunt The monarch lopes once more. The Constitution rides behind And the Big Stick rides before (Which was a rule of precedent In the reign of Theodore). THE PARTY WAKENERS Senator Yawn and Governor Snore, General Doze and Congressman Bore, Went on the stump with the hope possessed To waken their party interest. So in Reubensville they hired a hall. Gave a procession to open the ball, Gathered a crowd and began to preach A soothing instalment of campaign speech. Senator Yawn first took the stump And spoke on " The Issues of Umpty-ump- ump." Then Governor Snore very eloquent grew On the " Terrible Danger of Doodle-dum- doo." Then General Doze for an hour spoke he On the " Growing Importance of Fiddle-dee- dee," And Congressman Bore drew some rainbows tropic On an equally interesting topic. When the speeches were done came a mo- ment's pause, And the speakers waited in vain for applause ; 36 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 37 For their audience lay on the benches, deep In a trance-like spell of unnatural sleep. Said Senator Yawn to Governor Snore, And General Doze to Congressman Bore, " It's a strange, strange thing, but the lack is plain Of popular interest in this campaign." SENATOR COPPER'S HOUSE Senator Copper of Tonapah Ditch Made a clean billion in minin' and sich, Hiked fer Noo York, where his money he blew Buildin' a palace in Fift' Avenoo. " How," sez the Senator, " can I look proud- est? Build me a house that'll holler the loudest — None o' yer slab-sided, plain mausoleums — Give me the treasures of art and museums ; Build it new-fangled, Scalloped and angled, Fine, like a weddin' cake garnished with pills ; Gents, do your dooty — Trot out yer beauty, Give me my money's worth — I'll pay the bills." Forty-eight architects came tO' consult, Drawin' up plans for a splendid result; If the old Senator wanted to pay. They'd give 'im Art with a capital A, Every style from the Greeks to the Hindoos, Dago front porches and Siamese windows, Japanese cupolas fightin' with Russian, Walls Senegambian, Turkish, and Prussian; 38 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 39 Pillars Ionic, Eaves Babylonic, Doors cut in scallops, resemblin' a shell; Roof wuz Egyptian, Gables caniptian. Whole grand effect, when completed, wuz — hell. When them there architects finished in style, Forty-nine sculptors waltzed into the pile, Swingin' their chisels in circles and lines, Carvin' the stone work in fancy designs; Some favored animals — tigers and snakes; Some favored cookery — doughnuts and cakes. Till the whole mansion wuz crusted with orn'- ments. Cellar to garret with hammam adornments — Lettuce and onions, Cupids and bunions, Fowls o' the air and the fish 0' the deep. Mermaids and dragons. Horses and wagons — Isn't no wonder the neighbors can't sleep ! Senator Copper, with pard'nable pride, Showed the grand house where he planned to abide; Full of emotion, he scarcely could speak; " Can't find Its like in Noo York — it's uneek ! 40 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR See the variety, size, and alignment, Showin' the owner has wealth and refinement, Showin' he's one o' the tonier classes — Who can help seein' my house when he passes? Windows that stare at you, Statoos that swear at you, Steeples and weather-vanes polntin' aloof; Nuthin' can beat it — Jest to complete it Guess I'll stick gold-leaf all over the roof 1 " "how," SEZ the senator, "can I LOOK PROUDEST? BUILD ME A HOUSE THAT'LL HOLLER THE LOUDEST?' THE INNOCENTS Says Mr. Armour, as he makes A famine rate on stews and steaks, *' There's doubtless truth in what you say, That evil Trusts exist to-day. But kindly note before you go. There is no Beef Trust — mercy, no 1 " Says Mr. Rogers, as he signs Death-warrants for competing mines, " I heartily agree with you That unfair combinations do A deal of nasty mischief — but There is no Copper Trust — tut-tut! " With fresh foreclosures in his hands The saintly Rockefeller stands. " These mergers, when unchecked," he sighs, " I have no doubt demoralize; But Sin will Retribution bring — An Oil Trust? Nonsense — no such thing! " While prices rise on anthracite, Says Mr. Baer, " It Isn't right To make the tolling public bleed For the commodities they need. Cases like these the laws should fit — A Coal Trust? Never heard of It! " 41 42 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Says Mr. Satan, as he draws His fiery trident through his claws, "The world, no doubt, to Sin is quick; But wherefore blame it to Old Nick, When circumstances plainly show There is no Devil — ^mercy, nol " THE MILL What Is It the mill says — Turn and feed, turn and feed — Grinding out the story-books That the people read? *' Grind, grind, grill and grind, Novels strong and works refined, Romances writ historl-cally, Social problems shilly-shally. Local color, tommyrot, Melodramas wild in plot, Novels gay, Tales of sorrow, Read to-day Forgot to-morrow — Tastes change, market varies; Sporting clubs and seminaries All require their special kind — Read, read! As I feed. As I grind, grill and grind." What Is it the mill says, Busily, busily. Turning out the grist of plays That the people see? " Grind, grind, grill and grind. Round and round and never mind 44 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Record season, or fiasco — Frohman, Savage, or Belasco, Each requires his special scene Built for star or actoreen, Dramas gay. Shows of sorrow, Boomed to-day, Forgot to-morrow; Farces light and plots unwieldy; Hose-supporters Weberfieldy ; Bernard Shaw's or Ibsen's kind — Buy, buy Our supply. As I grind, grill and grind." What is it the mill says — Chaff and sticks, chaff and sticks- Grinding out the daily grist. Law and politics? " Grind, grind, grill and grind. To supply the proper kind; Fan the dust and sift the issues, Platforms, tariffs, party tissues, Gold or silver, cold or warm, Business, boodle, or reform, Bonds to pay. Bonds to borrow. Pledged to-day. Forgot to-morrow — AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 45 Catch-words subtle, phrases candid I'll supply as they're demanded To inspire the public mind. Vote ! Vote ! Rhyme or rote, As I grind, grill and grind." MAXIMS OF A MONOPOLIST If a business falls in line And opposes our combine, Buy it up ! Do not stop to argufy On the wherefore or the why : Make them sell when you would buy- Buy it up ! If some little private mill Grinds its corn against our will, Buy it up ! Let the workers of a town Sink or struggle, float or drown — Take their mill and close it down — Buy it up 1 So it is in social life: If you want a handsome wife, Buy her up ! Little matter how you woo. Or the things you say or do — Let your money talk for you — Buy her up ! 46 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 47 You can show that black is white ; They will preach your wrong as right — Buy 'em up ! If the laws defy your skill Introduce a Robbery bill — There are Congressmen who will Buy 'em up ! A TESTIMONIAL I thought that my health was as good as the next, But learned it was terribly bad; For I found, after reading the newspaper text Of a loud patent-medicine ad.. That mushrooms were growing all over my liver, That something was loose in my heart, That due to my spleen all my nerves had turned green And my lungs were not doing their part. I wrote Dr. Sharko and got as an answer, " The wart on your thumb is incipient can- I've taken Ze-ru-na for forty-nine days. And Scamp Bark, my symptoms to gag; And isn't it queer — all my pains disappear When the medicine gives me a jag! A " lovely sensation " I get from them all Which banishes carking annoy, So gayly I drink 'em — and Lydia Pinkum Has added her quota of joy. And I've sent Dr. Bogie a neat little sum For " radium tests " on the wart on my thumb. 48 'I'VE TAKEN ZE-RU-NA FOR FORTY-NINE DAYS. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 49 When Baby is restless a bottle I keep Of Ma Winslow's Syrup. It takes A spoonful of poison to put him to sleep And another one when he awakes ; He lies in a paralyzed, hypnotized state, So calm you can see at a glance That the dear little chick sleeps as sound as a brick When he's neatly laid out in a trance; And I'm sure every Mother could learn, if she would, The knock-out-drop method to keep Baby good. While reading bright essays on " wonderful cures " In decent newspapers each day I see all the symptoms our tired flesh endures And fly to my drugs in dismay. I've Snydrozone, Fakeozone stocked on my shelf With Horner's Safe Waters of Life: I'm taking three-fourths of the tipple myself And giving the rest to my Wife — And if there is anything left after that I give it to Admiral Togo, the cat. so AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR So this Testimonial I would indorse To give all Poor Sufferers hope. Much pain I've endured, but I'm " Positive Cured "— So long as I'm taking the dope. The Baby has spasms, my Wife's throwing fits, And I'm feeling fuzzy and bad — For I feel we've amassed all the symptoms at last Which you read in the medicine ad. The ready-made Cure and the Angels who make it Thus comfort and bless the poor Devils who take it ! 'mv wife's throwing fits." UNCLE SAM— NURSEMAID Urged by motives nowise harmful — Beneficial, if you will — Uncle Samuel's got an armful Of republics infantile. Uncle hates their constant riot, But he has the knowledge grim That he's got to keep 'em quiet, For they all depend on him. So he sings in accents gritty This enthusiastic ditty: " Bye-low, Cuba, mind your Pal Bye-bye, baby Panama ! Quit your scrappin', Fall to nappin' Pm your Uncle — there you are. Never mind the naughty gringo — Hush-a-bye, there — sh-h-h! — by jingo, What's the matter, San Domingo?" Added to your Uncle's worry Come from many a tropic zone Fledglings revolutionary Which he has to call his own. Kith, by right of war related. Uncle tries to keep them good. Since they've been assimilated SI 53 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR In the Nation's sisterhood. Still his tone is rather peevish As he rocks his foundlings thievish : " Bye-bye, Jolo, Luzon, Guam, Porto Rico — please be calm! Bye-low, Sulu, Honolulu, Don't be scared, you're free from harm. I can't talk your heathen lingo. But I'll do my best — by jingo, Stop that fightin', San Domingo! " Uncle's troubles are prolific. Since his first paternal thought Every brat of the Pacific Flies to him — or else is brought. Kids with names beyond pronouncing Cling to him and prattle for Just one good, old-fashioned trouncing — Then they're his for evermore. Weighed by more than he can trundle, Uncle lifts the white man's bundle. " Bye-low, bye, my Tagalese, China baby and Bornese. Drop those Mausers — Here are trousers Which you'll wear, if you would please. Speak the lingo of the gringo — Say, I'll wring your neck, by jingo, You young nuisance, San Domingo! " THE MERIT SYSTEM IN HELL According to custom, Satan sat Examining peasant and autocrat, And indicating where each should go In his special department, tier and row. But presently through the infernal roar A scramble was heard outside the door, And the fiends dragged in a Trust Magnate And an eloquent Walking Delegate. •' Sit down," said the Chief to the Trust Magnate, " And the sum of your virtues briefly state. Make haste," he added, " the night grows old, And I've customers waiting outside in the cold." Said the Trust Magnate, with an unctious air. As he took his seat in a spike-bottomed chair, " Dear sir, don't rake me over the coals, — I've given work to a million souls. " Men have grown haggard and old in my pay, Mothers have toiled both night and day, S3 54 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Children have wrought at each shuttle and spool When they might have been wasting their time at school. " Early and late, in cell and pen, I have given Work to the tribes of men." " Enough! " said the Fiend, with compassion great, As he turned to the Walking Delegate. " I have gone," said the Delegate, " into the moil Where sweating laborers slave and toil ; In the roar of mills and prosperity's hum I have brought the Worker's Millennium. '* A Sabbath reigned where my voice was heard, Harsh labor ceased when I gave the word; Thus a million souls in a day would pass From the ranks of toil to the leisure class. " Blessings on all who have entered my ken — I have given Rest to the tribes of men." " Enough ! " said Satan, and you might trace A benevolent gleam on his glowing face. 'CONGRESSMAN SNIDE. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 55 So' he tinkled a bell, and said with a grin, To the purple attendant who entered in, " Deliver this pair to the brimstone can That's labeled, ' For Friends of the Worklng- man. IMMIGRATION Ezeklel, the Puritan, Thus lifts his protestation: " By ginger, I'm American, And don't like immigration. Naow I jest guess I got here fust And know what I'm about. When I declar' we'll all go bust Or keep them aliens out." Max Heidelburg, the German, says : " Jah also. Right, mein frendt. If ve dot foreign trash admit Our woes will nefer endt. I am Americans as you Und villing to ge-shout ' Hurray mit red und vite und plue, Und keep dose aliens oudt! " Ike Diamondstein, the Jew, exclaims: " Ah, Izzy, ain't dat grandt! Ve Yangees haf such nople aims Und vill togeder standt, VeVe got der goods, ve're nach'ralized- Vat hinters us from shouten * Americavich is civilzized, So keep dose aliens outen ! " 56 JAH ALSO. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 57 Pletro Garibaldi says: " Here ever-r-ry man is king. I catch-a da fun, I mak-a da mon, I like-a da ever-r-ryt'ing. American he gent-a man — Watch-a da Dago shout, * Sell-a da fruit, shin-a da boot, Keep-a da alien out! ' " The Irishman vociferates: " Sure, Mike, it's sahft as jelly. I'll take the shtick and crack the pates Of ivery foreign Kelly. If it's the call o' polyticks. Then I'm the la'ad to shout, ' Down wid th' Da-agos an' th' Micks, An' keep th' ahens out! ' " But covered with ancestral tan, Beside his wigwam door, The only real American Counts idle talk a bore. " Ugh ! Pale-face man he mighty thief. Much medicine talk about — It heap too late for Injun chief To keep-um alien out." PLAINT OF AN ANCIENT CLIFF- DWELLER In a penny museum a Cliff-Dweller's skull Reclined, an old relic of cavernous hollows, Who winked at me twice from his cavities dull, And opened his grin and orated as follows: " With tenants above you and lodgers below And porters and hall-boys wherever you're at, You also may know the poor Cliff-Dweller's woe Who lived in an antediluvian flat. " We moved in our cave, Mrs. Bear-Face and I— A tenth-floor apartment (five bones was the rental). 'Twas a clay-finished suite with the ceilings quite high, And frescoed with shin-bones and teeth or- namental. " But the tenants below and the tenants above They worried us daily with this thing and that — True hearts in a cottage may live upon love, But not in an antediluvian flat. 58 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 59 " The Stonehatchet-Smlths (sixth floor rear) how they'd fight! And their daughter sang popular airs in soprano; The Catts (two below) had bridge parties all night, And Spearhandle-Jones played a home- made piano. " Our bedrooms, alas ! were so stuffy and small That the walls on both sides with our el- bows were dented. We piled all our furniture out in the hall. For freight elevators were not then in- vented. " We carried our groceries ten flights of stairs (And that's a good deal for a delicate feller) : The landlord was constantly putting on airs And raising the rent on the poor old Cliff- Dweller. " 'Twas racket above us, 'twas rumpus below. We sent in complaints, but they didn't mind that — I ask but your sympathy, stranger — you know How mortal can suffer who lives in a flat." 6o AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR I Uttered a sigh, which I couldn't refrain, For this ghostly flat-dweller who lived ere the flood: For the Man In Apartments is bound to com- plain, Be his flat of mahogany, marble or mud. A LETTER FROM HOME {From the Princess Boo-Lally at Gumbo Goo, South Sea Islands, to her brother. Prince Uvibobo, a sophomore at Yale.) *' It Is spring, my dear Umbobo, On the isle of Gumbo Goo, And your father. King Korobo, And your mother long for you. " We had missionaries Monday, Much the finest of the year — Our old cook came back last Sunday, And the stews she makes are dear. " Tve the loveliest string of knuckles Which dear Father gave to me, And a pair of shin-bone buckles Which I so wish you could see. " You remember Mr. Booloo? He is coming over soon With some friends from Unatulu — We all hope they'll call at noon. " Mr. Booloo's rather slender, But we'll fix him up with sage, And I think he'll be quite tender For a fellow of his age. " Genevieve 0-loola's marriage Was arranged so very queer — Have you read ' The Bishop's Carriage '? Don't you think it's just too dear? 6i 62 AT THE SIGNI OF THE DOLLAR "I am hoping next vacation I may visit you a while. In this out-of-way location It's so hard to know the style. " Will you try and match the sample I enclose — be sure it's green. Get three yards — that will be ample. Velvet, mind, not velveteen. " Gentle Mother worries badly, And she thinks it is a shame That a man like Dr. Hadley Lets you play that football game. *' For the way they hurt each other Seems so barbarously rude — No, you've not been raised, dear brother, To do anything so crude. " And those horrid meals at college — Not what you're accustomed to. It is hard, this quest for knowledge, But be brave. " Your sister, - Boo.^' " P. S.— ** If it's not too great a bother And a mental overtax, Would you send your poor old father, C. O. D., a battle-axe?" 'I SEE SO MUCH VAT ISS NICHT DUTCH. A FEW WORDS FROM WILHELM Man vants put leedle hier pelow Und vants dot leedle Dutch — Der vishes vich I vish, I know, Are nicht so fery much : Choost Europe, Asia, Africa, Der Vestern Hemisphere Und a coaling-station In Japan — Dot vill pe all dis year. Hi-lee, hi-lo, der winds dey plow Choost like Die Wacht am Rhein; Und vat iss mein pelongs to Me, Und vat iss yours iss mein! Jah also, ven I vloat aroundt Mitin mein royal yacht I see so much vat iss nicht Dutch Dot — ach, du lieber Gott ! — It gif me such a shtrange distress I gannot undershtand How volks gan llf In happiness Mitout no Vaderland! Hi-lee, hi-lo, der winds dey plow As I sail around apout To gif der Nations good advice Und sousages und kraut. 63 64 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Each hour I shange mein uniform, Put I never shange mein mindt, Und efery day I make ein spooch To penefit mankindt: Race Soosancide, der Nation's Pride, Divorce und Public Sins — I talk so much like Rosenfeldt I dink ve must pe tvins ! Hi-lee, hi-lo, der vinds dey plow Der maxim Rule or Bust — You gannot wreck our skyndicate Ven Gott iss in der Trust! Being ein kviet Noodral Power, I know mein chob, you bet — I pray for Beace, und hope for War Und keep mein powder wet; Put ven I've nodings else to do Put shtandt around und chat, Den der Right Divine talks nonsense t'rough Mein military hat. Hi-lee, hi-lo, der vinds dey plow Und softly visper dis: " Der Kaiser he iss more as yet Und all iss right vat Iss! " "l TALK SO MUCH LIKE ROSENFELT I DINK VE MUST PE TVINS." O CHEERFUL BIRD! Grimly laughs the carnal vulture, " You're a world of light and culture, Yet I'm ready to insult your Pretty creeds of peace again; For enlightened lands are filling With a wholesome lust for killing — Blood is warm and ripe for spilling In the foremost tribes of men. " Smell the fresh-drawn blood in Thibet; See, the Jews are at the gibbet, While the Russian's aching rib it Brings increased desire to slay. In the savage thirst for barter England longs to scratch the Tartar While the Moslems make a martyr Of a Christian every day. " Yes, you Yankees growing bigger, Posing as a model ' figger,' When you hang and burn a nigger Are you better than the rest? When your mobs with fiendish faces Slaughter in their war of races, Does it make your cultured graces Shine by contrast with the best? 6s 66 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR *' Why cast Servia to the devil In damnation cool and level For her talent medieval For dispatching kings and queens? Is the Turk a villain double As he peaks and pines for trouble Just to prick the Christian bubble With the dagger in his jeans? *' Rolling time has changed your fashions, Changed your weapons (not your passions), And the vulture has his rations Which his cravings recommend. Just as long as there is sinning Death and blood will have their inning, As it was in the beginning And it shall be at the end." OFFICER O'LEARY AT THE CROSSING 'Tis all along Fifth avenue, as wheels the grand display Of hansom, coach, victoria, of landau and coupe. That like Napoleon Bonaparte reviewing his array. Stands Officer O'Leary at the crossing. " Whoa, there ! slow there ! Can't ye under- stand? Dhraw back ! shtop that hack whin 01 howld up me hand. That's the way ye must obey whin th' gineral gives command," Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 'Tis all along Fifth avenue the city orchid blooms, The miles and miles of many styles, furs and silks and plumes; But keen and stern, the censor of the coach- men and grooms, Stands Officer O'Leary at the crossing. " Whoa, now ! slow now ! Put yer horse to grass ! Aisy, sure, ye fresh chafoor — don't give me anny sass I 67 €i AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Halt, Oi say, an' open way to let this lady pass! " Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. Half a mile of millionaires along that mov- ing chain, Dappled grays and thoroughbreds with cropped and arching mane — But Maggie Flynn, the milliner, need not ap- peal in vain To break the grand procession at the cross- ing. " Whoa, there ! slow there ! Don't give me anny chin ! Stiddy, sure, ye fresh chafoor, before I run yez in ! Whin Oi've me say ye'll all give way fer lit- tle Maggie Flynn! " Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. GRANDEUR *' My land! " says little Lizzie Cohn, Beside the sweat-shop door, " If I wuz Mamie Cassidy, Whose fader keeps a store, I'd have a hat wid feaders on An' then I'd git a beau Who'd take me to the thee-ay-ter Where we c'd see the show — If I wuz Mamie Cassidy Jest watch the pace I'd go ! " " Gee whizz I " says Mamie Cassidy, When she sees Lottie Blank, *' Her father's awful prosperous — He's teller in a bank. She gets her candy by the box And clothes to beat the Dutch — If I was fixed like Lottie is I wouldn't want for muchl " " Dear, dear," says fragile Lottie Blank, " It's charming, to be sure. The life of Alice Van der Knob — Too bad that we're so poor! I'd go to Paris every year And have a lovely yacht; If I was Alice Van der Knob I'd wed a Duke — why not? " 69 70 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR And SO does Woman weave the chain Unto the bitter end; The more good Fortune gives to her The more she wants to spend. The same small Imp of Vanity Plies restlessly his job In wistful little Lizzie Cohn And Alice Van der Knob. "der kaiser he iss more as vet." FOURTH OF JULY Fourth of July, you're a fine old antiquity Cured in saltpetre and brimstone and smoke, Rattlety-bang at the British iniquity, History crystallized Into a joke! Annual earthquake, tornado and fire-alarm, Giving Insurance a tragical turn, Making the householder tremble in dire alarm — Patriotism and powder to burn. I'm not defending you, I'm not befriending you ; Still, when you stop and consider it, why Shouldn't you jar us up. Shatter and scar us up? You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of July! Fourth of July, you're a bit hypocritical; Day when the great Declaration is read. Day when the Patriot (wholly political), Speaks of " the spot where our Forefathers bled"; Day when old Tammany goes for the masses of Votes with a union-and-liberty air, Buncombe and bunting to rope in the classes of 71 72 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR People who neither consider nor care ; Great Anniversary, Think not this cursory- View of the subject disloyalty — Why Shouldn't the use of you End in abuse of you? You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of July. Fourth of July, you're a reckless and notional. Crazy old, daisy old dynamite spree — / can't confront you without an emotional Whoop for the Flag and the Land of the Free. R-r-r-r-rip-a-tip, Bang!! and a boyhood's de- lirious Pulse goes buck-sawing for all that it's, worth — Any durn foe with intentions half serious Better He down or get off of the earth I List to the Catling Of rattling and battling. Fire-dragons vomiting over the sky! War may be hellish. But, ah, what a relish Flavors destruction on Fourth of July I Fourth of July, you're a fiery Pictorial Showing our land at its worst and its best; More, let us hope, than a rag-time memorial Nerve-shaking, ear-breaking robber of rest. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 73 Sometimes I hear, through the racket and spluttering, Something more deep than the laughter of boys. Some of the pulse that is constantly uttering When this great Nation speaks deeper than Noise. Through your rick-racketting Clatter and clacketting Beats the warm Heart of the Country — so why Shouldn't you jar us up, Shatter and scar us up ? You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of July. A DAY WITH DIVES 8 A. M. — Mr. Gilt arose and called his trusty scribe, " Send $40,000 up to Congress as a bribe." 10 .-30 — Got his auto out and sped around the block To steal a million dollars' worth of Liquid Sunshine Stock. 1 1 :oo — Jumped into a cab and made a sneak for home To dodge a quick subpoena sent by William T. Jerome. 1:30 — Luncheon at the club; and when the meal was done He sent some alimony to his latest-wife-but- one. 2 130 — Back to work again. Signed checks and sent out bail To get his confidential clerk and chauffeur out of jail. 3:10 — Sent diamond necklace to his latest fiancee, Squeezed out some rather juicy stocks and closed up for the day. 74 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 75 4:40 — Met the agent for a very pretty book Entitled, " Scares and Scandals." Mr. Gilt first read, then took The entire first edition in the fraction of a trice. It cost $10,000, and was cheap at any price. 5 :20 — Dodged into a cab in order not to meet A man whom he'd betrayed in speculations on " the street." 8 :i5 — Gave a talk before St. Lucre's Sunday- school On " Purity in Business and Life — the Golden Rule," In which he said, " We all must walk the Path of Uprightness If we would find the only key to honor and success! " 12:10 — To bed. " Count that day lost," he said, " whose setting sun Beams not upon the record of some noble action done I " SENATOR UNDERHAND BACCHUS McFEE Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee, A business-patriot-statesman was he, With a hardly discernible Easily turnable Handy political coat. '' Though as white and as pure as a lobster I be, I'll work for both sides and the middle," said he; " With my easily changeable, Quickly arrange-able, Sell-able, buy-able vote." When a trust wished to parley with Bacchus McFee, " Your views are opposed to my conscience," said he, " I've a feeling for principle Almost invincible — Feeling for interest, too. And the safe way to do with a feller like me Is to buy up my conscience," said Bacchus McFee. " Though scruples may bother it Still, you can smother It — Funny what money can do." 7G AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 77 If the opposite side gave him coin, nothing loth, He secretly pledged his support to 'em both. " In such a formality True impartiality Statesmen should always possess." And then when the measure was taken to vote, To' the dictates of conscience his ballot he wrote : So he voted for either one. Both sides, or neither one — Blindly, haphazard, by guess. For Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee, Though shrewd, was as honest as honest could be; So he scorned the temptations of Rich corporations of Bribers who stood at his throat. " I'll take all the bribes that they offer," said he, " But I'll vote as I please, for my country is free. With my highly dependable, Cash-dlvidendable, Pliable, buyable vote." THE PIRATE AND THE CABMAN Sir Humphrey Slasher, buccaneer, Unto New York came he, Wearing a pirate's snicker-sneer And a two-edged snicker-snee. The trade upon the main was bad And things looked dark and brown, But modern weapons must be had; And that was why, discouraged, sad. Sir Humphrey came to town. A hansom-cab he straight did hail : " Good cabby, cab thou me To some convenient bargain-sale Of pirates' cutleree." The cabby did as he was bid With deft and graceful touch. And when they reached their journey's end Sir Humphrey asked, " How much? " " Five dollars net," the cabby cried, " For ye have gone a mile — I charge one dollar for the ride, Four dollars for the style. 78 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 79 " Keep me not here," the cabby said, With glance of fiery scorn; *' Be prompt to pass your ducats o'er, For many more and many more I'll plunder ere the morn." The pallid pirate paid his fare And swore by Blackbeard's hand: " I might have been a millionaire, Had I but stayed on land. " I'll trade my cutlass for the whip, My helmet for the plug, The cab henceforth shall be my ship, Rich loot therein to lug. " No more by methods shivery To capture and maroon — Me for the cabman's livery To catch the bright doubloon." To-day Sir Humphrey sits in pride Among his black-clad crew Where pirates on their hansoms ride Along the avenue. Man, woman, child, within his bark He holds for ransom there. No more his cry, " No quarter! " — hark His hideous summons, *' Fare ! " " FRENZIED FINANCE " {How to get rich in an egg-shell.) Do you oft long to be a fine millionaire when You're poor, but too haughty to beg? Well, go to a neighbor and borrow a hen, And ask for the use of an egg. Now next place the hen and the egg on a nest Where the pullet will work out the trick; For if she's the talent her manners attest She'll shortly hatch out a small chick., Then take back the hen to her owners next day As fast as your trotters will peg; And when your own chick is beginning to lay You can honestly take back the egg. Thus set up in business, the rest is a snap, For your chick will have chicks of her own ; And the chicks of these chicks will hatch other chicks' chicks. If you let them severely alone. And when all the chicks of these chicks have hatched chicks And these chicks have hatched chickens, in turn, 80 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 8i You can sell out your farm, like a thousand of bricks, And revel in money to burn. ^ >> Then you'll blow into Newport, and purchase a yacht, And ask all the neighbors aboard; And before you are used to the money you've got, Your daughter will marry a lord. W HOLY JOHNNIE'S SERMON " O sinner, come to Sunday-school," Says little Johnnie D., " Observe the blessed gold brick rule And try to live like Me. " 'Tis good of Me to ask you here To hear My maxims grand. To listen to My words of cheer And shake My holy hand. " But I must point your worldly looks Toward a higher zone, While Father steals your pocketbooks And everything you own. " Turn not your thoughts to worldly dross, As you more saintly grow. The righteous soul can feel no loss — And Father needs the dough. " Thanks to the Oil Trust's kindly glut Your finish I can see, When Pa runs up expenses, — ^but I'm glad Salvation's free. " Pa owns the Earth, but Heaven is mine. So save your souls I must, When I absorb the Sin Combine In My Salvation Trust." 8i THE PRICE OF PIETY " John Dives, man, and have you heard what the preacher said of you, Intent your saintly character to smirch? " " Aye, that I have," John Dives said, " but the hke no more he'll do. For I have bought the preacher and his church." " John Dives, man, and have you heard how the teacher's spoken out Against the reign of money and misrule? " " True, true, he did," John Dives said, " but he's pledged no more to shout. For I have bought the teacher and his school." " John Dives, man, and did you hear the leg- islators say They'd check the sleek, dishonest things you do? " " I did," said John, " and they reformed without the least delay. For I have bought the Legislature, too." " My heart is pure," John Dives said, " for the Coin can do no wrong; All things are on the market for the buy- ing. I've the keys to Earth and Heaven, which I purchased for a song — I can get the keys to Hades without try- mg. 83 THE HERITAGE OF REST. Ah, wise is the provident father Who labors great fortune to hoard, Who early and late amasses estate That his daughters and sons may be bored. He never was tired, — patient father! He gave uncomplaining his toil That his heirs might find pleasure and joy beyond measure Denied to the kin of the soil. He knew not the pleasaunce of yawning, The leisurely boredom of rest — Did he know as he moiled and unceasingly toiled That his sons should be bored as the best? They should yawn to be dressed in the morn- ing, They should yawn to be coddled and fed. They should yawn in tired loathing at pas- sion and clothing, And yawn to be tucked into bed; They should yawn at their tea and their liquor. They should yawn at their children and wives, 84 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 85 They should yawn night and day at their du- ties and play, And yawn till they yawned out their lives. So practice frugality, father. And squander no tithe of your hoard; 'Twill be presently so that you'll glory to know That your sons and your daughters are bored. The soil may still cling to your fingers, Unpolished, preoccupied boor, Though your heirs have the pride of a treas« ure denied To the pleasureless tribes of the poor. MAY MADNESS {J Rhapsody in Rasps.) I. It is May, " How do you know It? " Asks the Poet. That is easy. By a sort of hectic madness Touched with gladness, wild and breezy. By my wife's unwonted actions; By the real-estate transactions; By the rival baseball factions yelling " Sll-i- Ide! " In yonder lot Where the youthful fans in batches Are ki-yipping like Apaches In a contest rather ragged, but miraculously hot. II. It Is May — can I forget It? I have met it like a martyr, Yet the tearful contemplation Of domestic devastation Sets me swearing like a Tartar, As the fierce Philistine laymen, Harsh, unsympathetic draymen, Storm like pirates up the stair, Seize my Lares and Penates By the hair. Work like Demons blindly agile, 86 AS THE FIERCE, PHILISTINE LAYMEN, HARSHj UNSYMPATHETIC DRAYMEN SEIZE MY LARES AND PENATES BY THE HAIR AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 87 Charge like bulls among our fragile Chinaware. Spilt! goes table, bang! goes bracket, Biff ! goes sideboard — what a racket — Thumping, bumping, stumping, jumping To the van — Go easy, man I Heaven preserve us 1 Hully gee — I'm getting nervous. III. O Woman, in your hours of ease Delicious, shy, and quick to please. When May Day swims into your ken You are a little Cyclone then ! On Human Rights your foot is sot, Earth's glories fade and Man Is not. And even a Husband grows obscure And something less than furniture. IV. Through the glad May morning in a fair sub- urban dingle Woodland Pan stands sulkily a-nalling up a shingle — All the nymphs and dicky-birds a-loafing round the dale In amazement read the sign, *' These Corner Lots for Sale." ^ AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR Out in Mr. Jones' backyard stand Flora and Aurora Hanging out the Monday wash and doing chores for Nora; Clio and attendant nymphs a carpet-sweeper lug; Phyllis with a garden-hose is walloping a rug. Wilkinson, the banker, in his garden over there Hoes like Markham's hero, with his fragile biceps bare; Now and then a catalogue he strenuously reads, Now he wipes his spectacles and scatters let- tuce seeds. Pan observes this exercise and stamps his cloven foot, Swears by stygian Orcus as he gives his pipes a toot, " May ain't what it used to be in this here strip o' natur' — Livin' in the suburbs ain't no life for nymph and satyr! " V. It is May. The push-carts smile and Coney Island is a-sprouting; Now the trolley-car untiring Goes perspiring to the outing; "yelling 'sli-i-de!' in yonder lot. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 89 And the Tammany promoter, And the ordinary voter, And the animiles of Wall Street's zoological exhibit Cease their bleating and their yelling, And their buying and their selling In a wistful dream of nature which the winter months prohibit. And the Statesman dreams of thickets, Mother, home, and mileage tickets, In a way That distinctly calls attention To the axiom I mention: It is May. CIRCUMSTANCES AND CASES Upspake the College President, "Young men, be pure in trade. Avoid the Festering Finance and the money that is made Through devious, Insidious Devices, quite invidious To purer education and the lofty tablets cut" He might have spoken further in his pleasant discourse, but Along came a yeller Package, marked, " From Rockefeller. Just a million-dollar token Of a wish as yet unspoken That the Fellowship of Scholarship may ever be unbroken." Upspake the Reverend Doctor to his snugly pastured flock, " Cast not your bread, my brethren, on the marsh of watered stock, Where fortunes meretricious Are amassed through means suspicious; For howsoever crafty is the robber by whose skill "— And thus the pious morsels were contributed, until 99 fv 'V / vxl WILKINSON THE BANKER IN HIS GARDEN OVER THERE" AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 91 Along came a bonny Parcel marked, " From Uncle Johnnie, Being cash for the conversion Of the Hindoo and the Persian — So on the hand of charity let no one cast as- persion." Upspake the Lawyer to his son, " Avoid the fell disease Of arguing for Tainted Trusts and their dis- honest fees. For ten to one a Trust is But a legalized Injustice A home-destroying octopus devised by busi- ness men " — He might have put conviction in his pleading, but just then Came a letter smooth and gallant Saying, " Dear sir: — For your talent Please accept a situation With our Coal Oil Corporation With $100,000 as a yearly stipulation." DEMOCRACY There is a Bowery restauranteur — they call him " Coffee Jake "— Who makes a humble specialty of serving Hamburg steak. He shouts your order down the tube, " A chopper — make it flat! " The meat comes hot and costs a dime — and isn't bad at that. But at the new St. Rich hotel more formal airs you'll find, And one who goes to luncheon leaves the simple life behind. A footman meets you at the steps, another at the door. And lined up to the dining-room stand many, many more. A butler bows you to the room, a waiter to your chair. And luncheon takes the aspect of a serious affair. A flunkey brings a menu-card with reverent respect — The heavens are hushed and waiting for the order you select. WOODLAND PAN STANDS SULKILY A-NAILING UP A SHINGLE AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 93 You pause. You're rather short on French, but then you'll make a bluff. A Something a la Something Else seems nour- ishing enough. The waiter takes your order and attends to your commands, As grave as an ambassador with nations on his hands. With portents of a great event the atmos- phere is stored. The silver forks, the crystal glass gleam on the snowy board, And hark ! the corps of servitors attention seem to stand — The waiter is approaching with your order in his hand ! A silver dish of fair design he sets beneath your nose. And lifts the cover tenderly its wonders to disclose. When — lights of poorer, humbler days and shades of " Coffee Jake " ! You recognize no other than your friend, the Hamburg steak ! Moral. When one, through change of circumstance, becomes a gilded denizen. It's fun to see a Hamburg steak assume the airs of venison. TO THE PURE ALL FOOD IS PURE Congressman Snide was the Gentleman Jo Of the National Pure Food Adulterant Co., A strenuous patriot, giving his powers To the health of this glorious country of ours, And many's the job he Conspired in the Lobby Old laws to make new and new laws to pro- vide — Wood alcohol brandy And aniline candy E'er found a warm friend in good Congress- man Snide. (Said General Sneek, " His great wisdom and tact Is shown in the famous Snide Substitute Act:') No business man with a Food to maintain E'er called on that scientist-statesman in vain ; With stocks and retainer-fees bulging his coat, The stronger the Poison, the stronger his vote. For he said, " What's the pleasure In killin' a measure Because it protects indigestible grub? Why try to defeat it? We don't have to eat it. It's only the Public that's gittin' the nub." 'FOR I PLACE GREAT RELIANCE IN SUBSIDIZED SCIENCE AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 95 {Said Senator Grabb, in a manner polite, " Unless you are wrong you are certainly right r) If a chemist came out with a statement to show Gross fraud in the Pure Food Adulterant Co., Then Congressman Snide could his chemist procure. To prove that his product was " perfectly pure." " For I place great reliance In subsidized Science," Said Congressman Snide, " when It comes to a pinch; When you hire a Professor To act as your guesser, To the Pure any poison is Pure^ — that's a cinch!" {Said Congressman Coin, with a jerk of his thumb, " Them facts what you state is convincing to some.") When families died after eating canned jam. Or hospitals groaned with the victims of ham. Then Congressman Snide, being Graft-on-the- spot, Was there with the Coroner, likely as not, 96 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR To prove tonsllitis, La grippe, meningitis, Had brought the poor victims to sudden de- mise. While soft applications Of friendly donations Bought silent consent from the willing and wise. (Said Congressman Hush, as he counted the dead, *' There's noth'in' so fatal as cold-in-the- head.") " For food-education has long been my hobby," Said Snide as the House was convened — in the Lobby, " I'll teach that there Public the things what they need. If I murder 'em all to accomplish the deed! The heart, lungs and thorax Needs brick-dust and borax — A fact which perhaps them there organs don't know — I'm killin' folk off at A nominal profit For me and the Pure Food Adulterant Co." {Said Congressman Leech, " It's insplrin* to feel That feller's onselfish and lofty Ideel! ") CRANKIDOXOLOGY (Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard Pshaw. ) It's wrong to be thoroughly human, It's stupid alone to be good, And why should the " virtuous " woman Continue to do as she should? (It's stupid to do as you should!) For I'd rather be famous than pleasant, I'd rather be rude than polite; It's easy to sneer When you're witty and queer, And I'd rather be Clever than Right. I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton, Though Hubbard compels me to rave; If / should lay laurels to wilt on That fogy Shakespearean grave, How William would squirm in his grave ! For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare, I'd rather be candid than wise; And the way I amuse Is to roundly abuse The Public I feign to despise. 97 9S AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR I'm a Socialist, loving my brother In quite an original way, With my maxim, " Detest One Another " — Though, faith, I don't mean what I say. (It's beastly to mean what you sayl) For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands, And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives, So I say unto you. If you don't as you do You will do as you don't all your lives. My " Candida's " ruddy as coral. With thoughts quite too awfully plain — If follcs would just call me Immoral I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain. (It's nasty, this living in vain!) For I'd rather be Martyred than Married, I'd rather be tempted than tamed, And if / had my way (At least, so I say) All Babes would be labeled, " Unclaimed." I'm an epigrammatlcal Moses, Whose humorous tablets of stone Condemn affectations and poses — Excepting a few of my own. (I dote on a few of my own.) AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 99 For my method of booming the market When Managers ask for a play- Is to say on a bluff, " I'm so fond of my stuff That I don't want it acted — go 'way 1 " I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics, Where solemn discussions are spent In struggles as hot as the tropics. Attempting to find what I meant. (/ Never Can Tell what I meant!) For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel, And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh, While divorcees hurrah For the Sayings of Pshaw And his sub-psychological Josh. LOfC AFTER READING A CHAPTER BY HENRY JAMES And after Angelina, laying down The book — that is — she often thought it so; Had recognized, as one might say, a frown (Could she translate the answer Yes and No?) Had taken up the, as it were, effect Of, Angelina's training had been such That, yet, however harsh and circumspect — Even her father deemed it overmuch — One does these things unconsciously, I think, Thus in proportion as we don't we do; So pausing rather vaguely on the brink She wondered, was it by, and if so, to ? For Angelina Hale was not that kind Of girl, and it would be unfair to say With such an intuition in her mind As these, those — does it matter either way? — Which she had, of a purpose, I suppose; And they do have so many ways to choose, A point which, she remembered, last arose The day she left her arctic overshoes, And then, of course, that doesn't count for one Whose very instinct (is it wrong to try?) AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR loi Since, yes, what other, lesser souls have done, For which, with what, is oftenest done by. And thus reflecting, Angelina Hale Reviewed the thoughts that she had read about , Then with a smile triumphant, wan and pale. Sank back upon her pillows, quite fagged out. TO AN INDIAN SKULL. {Found in a Broadway Excavation.) Gaunt relic with the vacant smile, What think you of Manhattan isle, Your tribesmen sold in trustfulness For thirty dollars, more or less? My I if your legs were with you yet, You'd kick, I am disposed to bet, Because you sold out in a slump Before your stocks began to jump. Step lively, please ! you cannot buy The hallowed ground you occupy; For these God's acres have been sold For very near their weight in gold. Where once your wigwam fluttered, see Yon million-dollar steel tepee — Where once your war-dance gave its thrill Now flings the nightly vaudeville. Here sat your god of wood and stone — Poor idol, how his time has flown ! Now through the broadcloth tribes is borne The Calf of gilded hoof and horn. AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 103 Where your spare chieftains tread the trail Behold the hansom smartly sail Wherein the Johnnie sits alone With skull as hollow as your own. Well may you mark with chattering teeth The " L " above, the " Sub " beneath, The Babel roar of truck and van — Sleep on, poor relic, — if you can! THE ANT AND THE ELEPHANT In the jungle, jungle, jingle, Where the animals commingle, Came an Elephant, whose single Aim was dignified repose; Till an Ant, in accents painful, Hailed the Elephant disdainful, *' Sir, excuse my comments plain-ful. But you're standing on my toes ! " But the tower of brute creation, At this base insinuation (Undisturbed his contemplation), Only blinked and flopped his ear; Quoth the Ant, in mighty dudgeon, " Ouch! you hurt! lift up your bludgeon From my foot, you hulking gudgeon — Are you deaf, or don't you hear? " Said the Elephant, benighted, " Tut, tut, child I don't get excited — By and by I'll be dee-lighted To remove this groundwork fat; All these demonstrations ant-ic. Make me positively frantic." Then he placed one toe gigantic On the Ant — and squashed him flat. 104 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 105 Here's a moral I would tender Unto you, small Retail spender — When a Trust steps on your slender Little tootsie, don't you squeal; Better offer no resistance Or the Trust, at such insistence. Will discover your existence And remove you — with his heel. THE POET OF FUTURITY Though too humble to aspire on eulogies to Keats or Byron, Though I leave my Milton mute but not Inglorious, Though to Will of gentle Avon there is not a rhyme I have on Tap to make the work of scholars more laborious; Yet there is one bard I wot of who deserves Apollo's knot of Imitation laurels, and I'd fain bestow it — 'Tis that Poe of soups and brandies, patent cereals and candies, That unflinching soul, the Advertising Poet. Whitman sang in misfit numbers of potatoes and cucumbers, Markham humanized the hoe In stanzas tragical; But our advertising hero drops these bearded bards to zero. Giving common things a twist no less than magical. Higley's tea (he says) has flavor that defies the nectar's savor. Purple Pills are Great, and ail the world should know it; io6 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 107 Corntop Whiskey is the tipple good for in- fant, youth, and cripple, Says the ready-rhyming Advertising Poet. When earth's streams and fields and valleys all give place to streets and alleys. And when every wildwood deer has gone to venison ; When there's no more rapture swimmln' in the eyes and hearts of women. And Parnassus is a knoll without a denizen ; Then the Laureate of Cocoa may serenely sit in loco, And, unrivalled in commercial frenzy, go It, While the library partitions bulge with fat de luxe editions Of the v/orld's last bard, the Advertising Poet. FALL STYLES IN FACES Faces this Fall will lead the styles More than in former years With something very neat in smiles Well trimmed with eyes and ears. The Gayer Set, so rumor hints, Will have their noses made In all the famous Highball Tints — A bright carnation shade. For morning wear in club and lobby. The Dark Brown Taste will be the hobby. In Wall Street they will wear a gaze To match the paving-stones. (This kind, Miss Ida Tarbell says, John Rockefeller owns.) Loud mouths, sharp glances, furtive looks Will be displayed upon The faces of the best-groomed crooks Convened in Washington. Among the Saints of doubtful morals Some will wear halos, others laurels. Checkered careers will be displayed On faces neatly lined, And vanity will still parade In smirks — the cheaper kind. 1 08 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 109 Chins will appear in Utah's zone Adorned with lace-like frizzes, And something striking will be shown In union-labor phizzes. The gentry who have done the races Show something new in Poker Faces. Cheek will supplant Stiff Upper Lips And take the place of Chin ; The waiters will wear ostrich tips When tipping days begin. The Wilhelm Moustache, curled with scorn, Will show the jaw beneath, And the Roosevelt Smile will still be worn Cut wide around the teeth. If Frenzied Finance waxes stronger Stocks will be " short " and faces longer. But if you have a well-made face That's durable and firm, It's features you need not replace — 'Twill wear another term. Two eyes, a nose, a pair of ears, A chin that's clean and strong Will serve their owner many years And never go far wrong. But if your face is shoddy. Brother, Run to the store and buy another! r H u '^^0^ 5-' 'bV" 7o • » V > - o • • <•* ^ "^^ **ir;'^*\«,^'