PS \lo1 The Dramatic PubBishing Company, Chicago. A MODERN ANANIAS, Comedy in Three Acts BY JOHN A. FRASER, Jr. Four male, four female characters. Two interior, one exterior scenes. Modern society cotumes. Plays two and one half hours. This is a screaming farcial comedy, which depends upon the wit and humor of its lines no less than upon the drollery and absurdity of its situations for the shrieks of laugh- ter it invariably provokes. Unlike most farcical comedies, "A Modem Ana- nias" has an ingeniously complicated plot, which maintains a keen dramatic interest untill the fall of the last curtain. The scenery, if necessary, may be reduced to a garden scene and an interior. Every character in the piece is full of comedy of the most humorous description, and one of them, a fat old maid, may be performed by a male somewhat after the fashion of "Charley's Aunt." The climaxes are hilariously funny, and each of the three acts is punctuated with laughs from beginning to end. Amateurs will find nothing more satis- factory in the whole range of the comic drama than this up-to-date comedy- farce by J. A. Fraser, Jr. The fullest stage directions accompany the book, including all the "crosses" and positions, pictures, etc. Price, 25 cents. 'TWIXT LOVE AND MONEY, Comedy Drama in Four Acts BY JOHN A. FRASER, Jr. Eight male, three female characters. Plays two and one-half hours. Three interior scenes. Costumes of the day. This charming domestic comedy drama of the present day bids fair to rival, both with professionals and amateurs, the success of "Hazel Kirke." The scene is laid in a little village on the coast of Maine, and the action is replete with dramatic situations which "play them- selves." The story is intensely interesting and, in these days of Frenchy adap- tations and "problem" plays, delightfully pure; while the moral— that love brings more happiness than does money— is plainly pointed without a single line of preaching. No such romatic interest has been built up around a simple country heroines since the production of "Hazel Kirke" and "May Blossom" years ago. The play is in four acts, and as the scenery is easy to manage it is particularly well adapted for the use of amateurs. There are three female parts, two of them comic characters, and eight males, two of whom supply the comedy. The dressing is all modern and the piece forms a full evening's en- tertainment. The author, J. A. Fraser, Jr., has been highly successfol as a dramatist for the professional stage, having written. "The Noble Outcast" "Edelweiss." "The Merry Cobbler." The Train Wreckers," "A Delicate Question." "A Modern Ananias." "Becky Bliss, the Circus Girl," and many other well-known and successful plays. "Twixt Love and Money" has been carefully revised by the author for the amateur stage. Price 25 cents. AUTHORS EDITION The Merry Cobbler An Original Comedy Drama in four acts rK.^ BY ERASER. Jr., Author of A Noble Outcast — The Train Wreckers — Kdehveiss — McGinty's Troubles — lyinked by I^aw — The Judg-e's Wife— Under an Alias — Modern Ananias — The New State's Attorne,y — Face to Face — A Delicate Question— 'Twixt lyove and Money — Etc. 'tx^s-^ CHICAGO: THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY. Cast of Characters. '^K Franz rou Alteulieiui— A light-hearted cobbler. Morris Holmes — Ap adventurer. Col. Derrom — A leading lawyer. I. L. Findham— A detective. Levee Bob— i\. bad negro. Mike Maloiiey— A police officer. Stella Derroiu— The Colonel's daughter. Mrs. Rafterty — ^A " poor, lone w^iddy woman." Mrs. Holmes — An ill-usea wife and mother. Rosalie— The banana girl. Carlotta— Stella's bosom friend. !'? . { Little friends of the merry cobbler, Flossie S Note. Mrs. Ratferty and Gretchen, Findham and Col. Derrom, Bob and Malonev mav be easily doubled. ( Tlays one hour, forty-five minutes. salie. Act I. Knee skirts and jaunty hat. Same in Act II. Acr 111. Longer skirt, anything natty and pretty will do if it is not elab- orate. A nice white pique or muslin with grny coloi-ed ril)bon and simple straw hat will do ni(;ely. Act IV. Ankle skirt quite in style, no hat. Rosalie should wear her hair down her back all through. To look about sixteen. Carlotta. — Similiar to Stella's costumes. Leila and Flossie.— Pinafores and little close white caps for Acts I. and II. Act III. A little more elaborate and Act IV. A little more so. Tropertr List. Act I. Cobbler's bench— rough pine bench for shoes to stand on — a packing case will do — a lot of old shoes, some new ones and one horse shoe — table for fruit stand with fruit and nuts on it — chair for Franz and chair for Rosalie— big rag doll wrapped in paper for the children — letter for Holmes— shoe witii heel off for Stella and another with heel on for Franz to pretend mending — three nickels for Franz, boxes to set out the party — quarter for Holmes to throw — hammer, last and nails for Franz — pocket book with money in it for Stella — hand mirror for Franz at stall — fiat slab of stone and two half cocoanut shells to produce noise of galloping horses — wood and metal crash for sound of collision. Act II, Small table, large table, old arm chair and two other chairs, old sofa — old cracked vase — two or three plates and wine glasses on small table upc —cards, notebook and pencil for Findham — small stool for Stella to sit on — white handled razor for Bob — bouquet for children — paper money for Holmes — ring for Stella — small basket with bottle of wine, fruit, etc., for Stella. Act III. Garden bench — two flasks for Findham— roll of paper money for Holmes — dagger for Gretchen— sheet of paper, folded, for Findham — revolver for Franz— steam boat whistle, gong to ring wh^n !)oat stops, two sheet iron plates and wire brush to beat them to ii.iilate noise of steam yacht. Act IV.- Portiers for c. door, table with table cover, carpet, arm chair, other chairs, sofa, rugs and other handsome furniture for an elegant set— legal documents for Colonel— newspaper and writing material on table — check book for Colonel -legal document for Gretchen— handcuifs for Holmes. THE hERRY COBBLER SCENE PL0T5 STREET DROP IN -q"^" GROOVES. ( SLANTIN& PLATFORM STOfiE WALL slT house 6 1^ CHAIftn ACT 1. IfiTtRIOR aACKINO ' DOOR ' D ''^BLE I , QlAlft I I I I ACT II iNTERIOR 8ACK/N6 ' DOOR ' 3«'6r 50rA GARDEN DROP -q'N 6r TORMENTOR ACT III. INT&RIOR aACKIN6 th: BOOK CAStS n ARM tHAlR TA8Lt y\CT IV THE MERRY COBBLER. ACT I. [Set house li. icitli steps. Cobbler's bench beloiv steps. Old and neiv shoes on rough bench beside it. Fruit stand Li. with apples, oranges., bananas, tints, etc. A stone wcdl about 5 feet high clear across at back witJi jilatform behind it slanting up from stage for children and Franz to climb over. Street back- ing. Chair at fruit stand and another inside door of house. Lively music cd rise of curtain. Rosalie disc, tending fruit stand u Bob enters r. i. e. 'u-histling. Stops cd fruit stand and handles fridt.] Bob. [Holding up frjiit.] How much? Ros. Three for a dime. [Without rising and urith evident contempt.] Bob. [Holding up orange.] How much? Ros. Two bits a dozen. Bob. Um, ah! [Feels in jjockets.] Recken 1 won't neither. [Laughs, 2^uts hands in jjockets and exits r. u. e. ichistling.] Ros. [Jumping up.] Sassy nigger. [Looking after Bob.] He wouldn't have dared to do that if Franz had been here. I wonder where he is? I haven't seen him this morning. [Buss. of dusting and ari'anging fruit.] Holmes. [Enters r. u. e. ivith Bob, turns at entrcmce.] See that you remain within call, for if you're not on hand when I want you I'll break every bone in your black hide. Bob. Yes sah, I'll sho'ly be heah, sah. Holmes. You'd better. [Exit Bob, Holmes comes down. Aside.] Deuced pretty girl. [Aloud.] Good morning, my dear. Ros. I'm not your dear. 1 wouldn't be your dear for a hundred dollars. I know you Mr. Holmes and nothing whatever to your credit. Bzip! [Making a dart at him.] Don't touch me, 7 8 THE MERRY COBBLER I'm dangerous. [Exit into store.] Holmes. The little spit-fire. Ah, well— she's an exception to the general rule, that's all. [Strolls leisurely dotcn.] Derrom. [Enters r. i. e.] Good morning, Morris, good morn- ing. Holmes. Good morning, Colonel, howdy? [Slal-ing hayuU.] Just on my way to your office. Derrom. What can I do for you? Holmes, I want your advice in a rather peculiar cane. [Down I.. C.J Derrom. Nothing I delight in so much as peculiar cases. What is it? Holmes. Well, as I told you when 1 first met you and your charming family, I am a widower, While traveling in Germany some years ago I fell madly in love with a girl, Gretchen Alten- heim, who was the favorite niece of an old bachelor uncle and kept house for him. She eloped with me and we were married at Antwerp, immediately afterward taking passage to America. Derrom. Quite romantic — well, what next? Holmes* Our happiness, alas, was short lived, for in giving birth to a little daughter my poor Gretchen died and the baby only survived her a few hours. Derrom. Poor fellow. [Crosses i..] Fate was indeed a cruel jade in you case. But why do you tell me all this? Holmes* Because of this letter. [Hands letter.] Which I re- ceived by this morning's mail. It is from some German fnnction- ary and tells me that my late wife's uncle has died leaving a large fortune accumulated in his old age from the invention of a smokeless powder which was adopted by the Government. Derrom. I see, I see, and he has remembered your wife in his will. Holmes. On the contrary, he left no will at all and my wife, or her children, and her brother are (he only heirs, so my corres- pondent informs me. Derrom. And as she and her child are both dead, you fall heir to her share. Allow me to congratulate you. [r>. c. He is about to shake hands ichen Holmes stops him.] Holmes, [c] More than that. This brother ran away from home on account of the old uncle's cruelty and miserly habits, and unfortunately fell a victim to yellow fever before he had been in this country three months. Derrom. [Shakes hands.] Then you are the sole heir. I don't see anything pecuhar in this case. It is as plain as daylight. [Aside crossing R.] What a match he will be for my Stella. ( THE MERRY COBBLER 9 . Holmes. Not quite so plain as you think, my dear Colonel. The church in which our marriage was solemnized was burned shortly afterward and all the records were destroyed. Derrom. But you have your wife's wedding certiticatt? Holmes. No, that's just where the trouble is. Never dreaming of anything like this, I took no care to preserve it and haven't the slightest idea of where it is. Derrom. Ah, this is serious. In order to establish your rights you will be compelled to make sufficient proofs of the deaths of the other three parties and also establish the fact that you were the legal husband of the old man's niece. You'd better come up to the house and have dinner with me tonight when we can talk til is matter over at our ease. The girls will be glad to see you. Holmes. Thanks— I shall avail myself of your kind invitation. 1 hope the young ladies are quite well ? Derrom. Especially Stella— eh, you sly rascal. [Nudges Holmes and dtnddes.] Well I must be off. [Shakes hands.] We sijall expect you. Now, if you value my good opinion — and Stella's don't keep us waiting. [Exit l. i. e.] Holmes. [Calling after jyevrom.] I'll be prompt. [Walking back and forth as if in thongJit.] The first step is taken. Now for a desperate play which if successful will make me rich. The situation is in my own hands if my nerve does not fail me. Gretchen has not been heard of for four years and proofs of her death will be easily trumped up. The people who take care of the child have not the least idea of her true name so there is little or no danger from that quarter. The only difficulty lies in the proof of my marriage. Well, I'll get that if I have to write a cer- tificate myself, [^.s ]te turns to go R. u. e. children are heard singing hack of icaJL] Hello, what is this? Franz. [Ajj^jears on ivalh singing and assists children up to top of icall one after the other. AH sing until chor'us is Jinished.] Veil, veil, veil. [AU laugh.] Holmes. [Aside.] My child. Fraux. [Gets over wall.] Now den — vone at a time bickause of you all yump togedder you make me some droubbles mit mein back alretty once. Now den Flossie. [She jumps and he catches her, kisses her and tosses her in tJie air, catches her and sets her doivn.] Veil, veil, veil. [Laughs.] Now den Tottie, you vas next ash der barber sait ven he got married de second time. [Same bliss.] Oliie. [Same buss.] Ah — ven you get ten years older you von'tyump into Franz's arm so kvick.—[Paa8e.j— you'll be eo heavy- den he von't let you. [Laugh.] Aeii, Leila—you vhas still 10 THE MERRY COBBLER here like Humpity Dumpity oop on de vail — veil, veil, veil. [Laughs.] Yump. Leila. I'm afraid. Franz. Af rait mit your Lieber Pranz? Ach Himmel! Look cud — [Pointing.]— der Bogey man comes in front of you pack wards. [LeilSL gives a little scream, half laughing and jumps. Same buss.] Veil, veil, veil. We all vas on earth alretty vonce, aindit. [Children crowd around him, they join hands and dance around singing until Frauz humps into Holme<«.l Franz. Oxcuse me. — Holmes. Who are you? Franz. I vas a cobbler — yah, de merry cobbler. Holmes. A sherry cobbler? Franz. No, not a sherry cobbler — I rodder have beer. Holmes. [Aside.] This Dutchman seems quick vv^itted. Per- haps he may be useful to me. [Aloud.] Rather have beer, eh? Well here's the money to buy it. [Tosses coin to Franz.] Franz. [Does not pick up coin. Aside.] I don't like dot failer. He's too chenerous. I jjelieve he stole dot quarter. [Aloud.] Tanks I'm no Wanderbilt and I'm no beggar neider: When I drink I choose mein own company — yah — I mean dot. Come, kinder. [Begins to sing. Tiie children join hands ivithhiui and sing and dance down stage. Holmes makes an angry gesture, picks up coin and exits r. u. e. After song Franz is c.J Now, babies, dis is mein birt-day and I took a liddle holiday mid you once. I don'd vork eight hours today, nein. Leila. What, nine? Oh, Franz you said no decent man would work more than eight. Franz. Bet your poots, liddle vun, dot's vhot I sait und I mean dot. "Eight hours vork, eight hours play. Eight hours sleep, makes a perfect day." Dot's my sendimentals. Flossie. But you said you would work nine. Franz. Veil, veil, veil. [Laughs.] Yah, dot's a fact, I did say nein, aber dot means in Cherman not, neider, nicht — kein — not any. I don't vork today at all, not any, aber ve hafe a goot time togedder. How is dot? Children. Splendid. Edna. Let's jjlay "puss in the corner." You're it. [Tonchcfi Franz.] Franz. I don't play. You didn't give me a square show for mein vite alley — come now — ve cound oud — [Children surround him and he does buss, of ''counting oiit.''] THE MERRY COBBLER 11 Ane gesacht, gesinder, Der Sheeny gebrooht der vincler; Alle gesoak Der Sheeny \ as croak Alle gesacht, gesindei-. Veil, veil, veil. I'm it anyhow. (Children Idiigli u-'iili Franz. | Now, den, get in your corners and vatch oud. Keep your eyes open. [Bass, of '•'jm^a hi tJte corner.'"] Nowdent^all oud, pussy vants a cracker and all such things like dot. Mrs. R. [Enters from house r. standing oti sfe'ps. Aside,] Look at that Dutchman. Look at that Dutchman. Me heart is scalded wid him, it is be gorra. [Crosses so that as Franz runs to get into corner he bumps into her and she falls. Children nni up to wall at back.] Franz, [r. c. down.] Oxcuse me. I hope you didn't proke your bustle. Mrs. R. [r. beside .^itall.] Broke my bustle is it, you villain, [/iises.] You've broke my heart, Bo you have. [Places hand on small of back as if in ]jain.] Franz. [Aside.] Vet a fonny vay de lady prokens her heart, aind it? [Goes i.. c] Mrs. R. [Following hint.] Why don't you go to your work, you lazy good for nothing thing? Sure 'twas the could day for me whin Dmnis look you in and learned you to cobble, so it was- Go on to^our work, now, and quit this lallygaggin' or be the powers I'll sell the bench and turn you out of doors, so I will. {Going toward house.] Franz. Dot's vhat I vant. I bin trying to git avay from you Mrs. Rifferty aber you don't let me gone. Now I go me oud in de vide, vide vorld and seek mein fortune like Chach in de been stalk und liddle poy blue come plow me your clairinette. [Goes vp iLiith mock emotion.] Mrs. R. Sure you don't nade to get mad about it. [Followuig him ux).] Franz. [Stops and turns.] I ain'd mad— I part from you more in weptness, dan in anger, Mrs. Rifferty. [Goes up a step or two.] Mrs. R. [Catches his coat tail.] Not Rifferty. [Pulls coat toward R.] Raft'erty. [Pulls coat toward i.. sivingi ng him round.] Franz. Dot's what I said— Rifferty. [Suddenly dragging coat tail out of her hands.] Mrs. R. Rafferty. [Stamping. Franz comes down.] Franz. Oxcuse me, I don'd can spoke Irish; United States language is all vat I can tackle at von time. Goot pye Mrs. 12 THE MERHV COBBLER Pvili'erty I ueffer will eee you again till we meet on dot peautiful shore. [Mocli emotion, turns to go it]} stage, ('l)ildreii run etfter hitii at let, his InDids and coat tails.] Cliildrcii. Oh, Franz don't go. Mrs. B. Look a here Dutch— don't lave me like this and me a poor lone widdy. [Takes Jiis arm v. and tniiigs him dotrn.] Wiiy doii't you settle down and get married? Franz. Porztausand! Vas ist das? Kit married? Ich? [Makes a Ineak for i>. u. k. Mr^^^, K. eatehea Jiim and d)-ags him l>aek.\ Mrs. R. [l. c] Here, here, here — ye don't nade to be in sucjIi a hurry about it. Wiiat you want is a sinsible woman, Dutohy. that's come to the years of discretion and not some floighty shlip of a girl that doesn't knov* her own mind two minutes. [Pet- snasively.] Frauz. Oh! Ish dot vhat I vant? Mr8. R. To be sure it is, you poor ignorant immogrant. Frauz. Thanks. I'm so glad you told me. Because now dat T know vhat 1 vant, I know vhat I vant; und vhen I know vhat I vant, I aind so likely to get vhat I don'd vant, aind it? [Sits on Cobbler's bench r.] Mrs. R. That's talk. Now go 'long to your work and see if you can think of some foin woman wid a bit of property. Not too young nor yet not too ould, do ye moind — about me own age — Dutchy. [Very giddy.] Franz. [Aside.] Oh jiminy beeswax! Dot face voujd start a riot. [Aloud.] Veil, I think me about dot, aber I don't vork today for dis is mein birthday. Mrs. R. [Aside.] For heaven's sake. This is the second birth- day that Dutchman has had in six months. I wonder how many times a year he got born, [Ex. into house r.] FYanz. [Looking after her.] Veil, veil, veil! Of I don't skip oud dot old voman marries me sure. I petter elope mit meinself and fool her vonce, I tink me about dot too, [Ooes c. Children run down to him.] Flossy. I'm going home, Franz, I'm so hungry. Leila. So am I. Frauz. H ungry ? Now I tell you vhat. [Seaixhing in pocket.] I have ein, zwei, drei nickels. Come we buy something. Vhat vill you have? [Goes iou'ord fruit stand followed by Children.] Rosalie. [Enters l.] Flossy. Chewing gum, Tutti Frutti. Leila. Peanuts. Flossy. Banana3. THE MERRY COBBLER 13 Leila. Oranges. Flossy. Pop corn. Leila. Lemonade. . All And candv, candy, candy, candy. [Dancing around him.] Franz. Stop, stop, stop. Do you tink I vas a fare pank? Come, ve puy someding anyhow. How you vas Rosalie? I gife a party today. Ros. A party. , • -^ i , t Franz. Yah, und dese young ladies vas de mwited guests. 1 vant you to spread oud de finest party you ever spread oud in all your life for tree nickels. Iprowide de nickels und you do de rest. [GiveH money to Ros.] Ros. [Laughs.] Well, well, well Franz. Hold on— quit dot— Ros. Why, what's the matter Franz. Franz. You sait, veil, veil, veil. Ros. Suppose I did? ... ^ . •, Franz. Veil, dot's my trade mark. I get me a patent on it. Ros. [Giving candy, fruit, etc. to ChiUrm.] I think you're mighty mean about your old party, anyhow. Franz. You vas mistooken. Dis is a young party, aind it, liddle vuns? Children. Yes indeed. Ros. Well, why didn't you invite me? Franz. [Conducts her c. mysteriously,] I vould in a minute, Rosy, but Mrs. Rifferty, she gets chealous. Vhen she getschealous she gets mad and when she gets mad you imachine dere's a politi- cal ward meeting proke loose. Ros. She's an old terror. . -, ,^ ^, , Franz. Aber vhen she gets her mad up I don d vant her to tarry around me. She gives me de earache. Ros. I don't see what she has against me. Franz. She says you vas too giddy. Ros. Oh, the old thing. Franz. She says you vas flighty in your mind. Ros. Well, did you ever. Franz. Yah,— several times alretty vonce; aber, come along Rosalie. She gets mad anyway so we mights as veil have some fun before de oxplosion tooks place. [Franz and Ros. arrange sonie boxes l. and set oat fruit, seating the Children who eat while the specialties are going on.] Ros. 1 tell you what, children, this is a lovely little party. Franz. I told you what, Rosalie, you vos a lofely little party your ownself . ii THE MERKV COBBLER Eos. Tatty. I'll tell Mrs. Ratferty that and she'll get red headed. Franz. Oh. but I didnt mean dot. I vos only chokin You ain'd nice a liddle bit. But say Rosalie, of Riffertygets any more red headder as she vas now she looks like a torch light proces- sion. Ros. That head of hers would fry eggs. Franz. Now, den, kinder, yoost pitch in and have a goot time. [Here intioducc specialties if p(fssible After specialties Franz (Did Rosalie sit r. at cobbler's bench. Children are i.. in buncJi.] Leila. Our Leiher Franz is the loveliest man in the whole world. Flossy. And he hasn't had one birthday present. Leila. Come on girls—we'll get him one. [The VhiU\ron (til cross R.] Good bye, Franz. Cliildren. Good bye, Lieber Franz. Franz. Vhat? You all vas goin avay mitoiit vone kiss? Dot's not pecsness. [TJiey all run and kiss him.] Children. Good bye, Lieber Franz — good bye. [E.rif l. i. e. Rosalie crosses and exits l.] Franz. [Plaintive music] Bless deir pure liddle hearts. (Jf ve could only bin kinder alvays dere vould be no need of heaven for all the angels vould be den on earth. Oh, if mein pocket book was big enough and mein arms vere vide enough to shelter dem all— dere vould not den be vone homeless, unhappy liddle child in all the vide, vide vorld. [Music changes to lively, Laughter heard ojT R. u. e. Holmes, Stella and Carlotta enter.] Stella. It seems such a silly accident to have the heel come off one's shoe. [Thetf come down c. she has Holmes' arm.] Holmes. Most provoking, but fortunately it is not far to the livery barn and once there you can either drive home or to your shoemaker's and repair the damage. Car, Why there is a cobbler's stall now. [Motions with juirasol.] Stella. The very thing. As this is such a quiet street I'll just sit down and have the heel put on. Holmes. Oh, I don't think I'd do that, Miss Derrom. This cobbler is an insolent fellow— a German. Stella. Why, he looks like the soul of good nature. I'll try him anyway. [Comes down.] Could you nail the heel of my shoe? I caught it in a grating and wrenched it off a few minutes ago. [Holds out heel.] Franz. I tink so if I tried offul hard; ]>ut dis is my holiday, ladv. THE MEKRV COBBLER 15 Stella. But you would oblige me bo uuich. Won't you? Franz. Sure, milout the slightest hesitations. I vouldn't see a sweet liddle foot like dot go mitout a heel, not for anytings. Vait, I get you a chair. Stella. Don't trouble, this box will do very nicely. [Franz (jets chair, she sits and takes off shoe]. Franz. [Takes off coat and Jays it before her, puts on ajjron.] Put your foot on dot, lady, and den you don't took cold from de chilly pavement. Stella. Thank you. Frauz. Vait. Maybe I have a shoe you can shlip on. [Picks up several men's shoes, baby sJioes, etc.] You could shlip dot on, aber you get lost. Plenty men's shoes, boy's shoes — horse shoes. [Holding up a horse sJioe, laughs.] Veil, veil, veil, I'm afraid I can't tit you. [Goes to work on shoe.] Stella. Never mind. I am very comfortable as it is. Car. [c. witli Holmes.] While you are having your shoe mended, Mr. Holmes and I will take a little stroll, if you don't mind, Stella. Stella. Not in the least, oidy don't be gone too long for my heart is set on trying that new horse this morning. He is such a lovely creature, and if he is gentle papa has i)romised to buy him forme. Holmes. Then, for ten minutes, au revoir. [Raises hat.] Tar. [Aside to S.j And be sure you don't fall in love with your lumdsome cobbler. Stella. What nonsense. [They luugli. H. and V, exit l. i.e.] Franz. Dot shoe was made in Paris, ain't it? Slella. Yes, I bought them when I was there, last winter. Franz. I vas in Paris vonce, mit mein uncle, he vas a great man, mein uncle, he inwented a new way to kill peoples. [Work- ing oit slioe.] Stella. Why, surely he isn't an executioner? Frj3i!z. Oh, no Indy. he's a Cherman chendleman. St< 11a. Von misunderstand. I meant his business. Franz. Oh, yah, lie's a skientitic. Strlla. X wiiat? Franz. Skientitic man. He's de man what inwented a new kind of gun powder which kills a hundred mans every lick and dere's so liddle smoke you can see dem all go dead pefore your werry eyes. Bismarck won't Imve anytings to do mit mein uncle's gun i)ow<^er, ho he gets mad and goes to Prance mit it. Dot's how I go to Paris mit mein unkel. Stella. It is a beautiful citv. 16 THE MERRV COBBLER Franz. Yah, aber you can't eat a city Me and mein uncle ve nearly starved to death. At last I get so hungry I make com- plaintment and mein uncle vhip me, den I get me mad and run away to America mit a sailing wessel. Stella. And weren't you grieved to leave your brothers and sisters? Fraiiz. [Puts ckncn shoe enioiionally.] I had no bruder, lady. Aber I had a liddle schweester vonce, a peaudiful liddle schvvees- ter, which I loved more dan meinself. She had such lovely big blue eyes, and hair like sonnenschein and she vas a goot girl, lady, as pure in heart as de Edelweiss which blooms in de snowy Alpine passes. Oh, mein liebe G retch en, mein liebe G retch en. [Emo tioH.al.] Stella. And your liddle Gretchen is dead? Poor fellow! Franz. Yah, lady, mein liddle Gretchen is dead [Intensely, halting toward her ] Aber dere lives anoder Gretchen, which is no more my liddle schweester — which vas enticed away von her home by a rascal and which brought shame and sorrow on her old uncle and her bruder. Dot ish why I come bei America vhen 1 run avay. Dot willain vas an American which disgraced mein schweester. [Raising voice. Rises dramatically.} And vone day vhen ve meet, by Gott, I kill him! [Pauses, overcorae ] Oxcuse me lady, vhen I tink about Gretchen, I forget meinself. [Drops into seat and covers his face ivith his hands.] Stella. Who was this wretch? What was he like? Franz. I did never see him. Moin uncle sent me to school, and vhile I vas avay dis all did happen. But his name ish Maurice Stanton, and de day I meet him, he dies. Stella. How is it, then, with your education that you follow the lowly calling of a shoemaker. Franz. [Hammering nails into shoe. Plaintive music] I tell you lady. Vhen I arrived in America I can't spake vone vord of United States language, and I go to Memphis. Den I come to Noy Orleans and vander aboud de streets, hungry and tired mit- out a cent and at last de man vich lived here gives me something to eat and a place to sleep. Veil, I am no beggar, so I try to help him mit de shoes and by and by he goes dead. Den his vitve tells me I should go on mit der peesness and so I do, to save up money to help me hunt down Maurice Stanton. Dere shoe is finished. Dot heel don't come otf again mit a hurry, I bet you. Vait, I put- ton him up. [Buttons her shoe. Music stops.] Stella. Your sad storv has interested me verv much, Mr. Mr. Franz. Yah, Mister, dot's all right. THE MERRY COBBLER 17 Stella. But what, is your name? Fran/. Franz. Leiber Fran/.de babies call me because I play mid clem and dey lole me. Stella Well, Mr. Franz. 1 hope if you ever meet that wretcl), you wiu'stop short of killing him. He richly deserves sucl- a fate but they would hang you for it. t . , •, ,* Franz. [Dramatic w us ic] Lady, 1 vas so disgusted mit life dat I have no friends, no companion, except de children. Dey vould not miss me for long, so if de bullet from mein pistol ever finds Maurice Stanton's false heart, its twin viU find de vay to mine a minute later. \31uHk' ,^topH.] . Stella {Going v^] Nonsense, Mr. Franz, you must not give wiy to such morbid thoughts as these. Believe me, life is well worth living if we strive to be useful to otlier people. \ ou must rouse your ambition now that you have conquered our language and put your education to a l)etter use than this. How much do I. owe you? [Ope niiuj pocket book.] , ,, • . - Franz. Oxcuse me lady, not vone cent. [Bowing and steps back.] 7 7, 1 Stella. But I insist. [Following him as he backs aivay.] Franz! Und I insist. I charge only ven I work; dis vas a pleasure. . i i o Car [Enters l. i. k. icith Holmes.] Are you ready dear .'" Stella. Yes it is all finished. [ToY.] As you will not accept nayment for this I shall call tomorrow and leave my order for a pair of riding boots, so good morning Mr. Franz, and many thanks. 1 Ri> joins C. and H. cvit l. u. e.] Franz. [Goes up, icatches heroffsighs.] Vhat you vant isa voman wich has come to de years of discretion like Rifferty, bah! Ritferty, you vas a tarn fool. Vhat I vant is a girl like dot vone. [Comes doivn to stall] Franz, old feller, vhat is de matter mid vou'^ Has dot wicked liddle devil Cupidiiy been playin' bow and arrow mit your heart? Veil, veil, veil, dot's fonny peesness too ain't it? [Takes mirror and looks into it.] You, a cobbler, mit nottwo ten cent pieces to play peek-a-boo mit each other falhn lofe mit a high toned girl like dot? I vas ashamed of you mein- self. I thought you had more sensibilities. V ranz, I vas sorry to speak harsh to you, mein boy, but to be gandid, you vas like Rifferty— anoder tam fool. Children. [Enferi.. ^. v.. trith old rag doll ivrapped up in '''Leili. Couie on girls-Now Tottie, you carry it and I'll give it to him. Flossy. Awe, 1 vvitnt to give it to him. 18 THE MERRY COBBLER Leila. Me too. Flossie. But I've known him the longest and love him the most. Leila. No you don't. I love him bigger than a street car. Flossie. Well, I love him bigger than a brick house, so there. It was mine first anyway. Leila. Well, we'll both give it to him. Franz. Hello! kinder. You come all pack again vonce? [Chil- dren cross to him. They stop and whisper.] Leila. You say it. Flossie. No, you say it, go on — Leila. We have brought a present for our Leiber Franz' birth- day. [Tottie hands parcel] Franz, Veil, veil, veil ! How did you guess it vas mein birt- day? hah? [Goes c. a)id sits down on stage. Children sit around him.] Veil now, let us look at der presentiment. [Un- irraps doll] Splendit. Choost the very ting I vanted. I sait to meinself only last night I vish dose liddle ladies should know tomorrow vas mein birt-day for den perhaps dey might make me a presentiment mit a peautiful doll. Ain't it a dandy? Look at de chuvenile expression in dot eyes, and dose mouth. She's a beaut. Dot's what. [i?/se.s'.] Veil, I tank you vone and all for (lis peautiful gift and I insure you dot dis is de proudest moment of mein existence. [Kisses all the children.] Now I tell you vat, ve have a little song and den I dress me up fine and we take der dolly to play in depark. [Song. After song clamor heard off L. u. E. shouts and sound of horse galloping. Hurry music] Franz. Stop here, kinder. [Crou'd them doicn k. in corner.] Dot sounds like a runavay. [Runs iqj to Ij.tj. f...] Ach Himmel! It is a runavay. [fl'or.se effect worked closer, cries icithout of ''stop him,'^ ''stoj} Jiim'^ and clamor worked up. Mrs. R. enters from house R. Ros. enters l. They run up. Bob enters R. u. e. [All u-orked very quick.] Mien Gott! It is dot young lady! [Rushes off' I., u. E. ^4 cheer is heard off Joined by those upon stage.] Mrs. R. Lord preserve us. he's killed. [Runs off i.. u. e. with Bob.] Ros. He has stopped the horse and saved the lady, but he must be trampled to pieces. They pick him up--they are carry- ing him here. [Bob and Holmes carry Franz on. He is gastly white with blood on his face and forehead. Stella supported by Mrs. R. rmdCharlotta/o//o/r.s'. Tliey lay Franz down. Stella >^"pports his head, others form picture. Plaintive tnusic. Slow curtain.] THE MERRY COBBLER 19 Bob. -Holmes. CharloKa. Mrs. Rafferty. Franz —Stella. Rosalie. Children. [Note. The success of l/iis vUnicw (lepemfs in a (jreat measure upon the noise and e.rcitement worked up off the stage, u-hich should last fuHy SO seconds, faint at first and growiny louder and loader nntil a loud crash is heard immediately after Franz rushes off. Then the cheer is heard. This should he carefidly rehearsed with the music if oossible.] ACT rr. [Sitting room at Mrs. Rafterty'vS. Table c. against flats— table down R. Chair on each side of table. Sofa t.. partly broken. No carpet. Old and much worn furniture. Mrs. R. enters at rise. Door l.. in flat. \ Mrs. R. So he's not up yet the darhn' man. [Listening at door K. in fiat.] I can hear him breathing. [Comes doirn a little.] Well, if I loiked him before, sure I'm dead stuck on him now and I'd capture him too if it wasn't that he's bioind mad in love wid Miss Derrom, forward chit that she is. [Go to door R. in flat and knocks, calls.] Franz— are ye roisin'? Are ye roisin. I say? Sure there's a gintleman to see you. Franz. [Without.] Veil, show him up— I bin dere directly. Mrs R. Sure, tis inundated he'll be wid visitors this day for 'tis the tirst toime the docthor ud let him resave. [Goes to d. l. f. and opens it.] Come in sor -come in. [Follows Findham down.] Find. [Enters ix u. f.] Ah -the sumptuous apartments of the young German American hero. [Doicn c] Madam, have a card, you may need something in my line. [Presents card.] Detective work of all kinds done with neatnes.s, rapidity and secrecy. Mat- rimonial troubles a specialty. Don't happen to have any matri- monial troubles on hand just now, do you? Mrs. R. [ K. c. looking at card. Aside.] Tlie man ud talk a hole through an iron pot. Sure he has more cheek than Paddy Murphy's pig. [Aloud.] No I have not. But I wish to the Lord I had, anything is better than bein' a lonely widdy woman. Find. Cheer up, madam, cheer up! While there's life there's hope and a fine looking lady like you has but to choose her mate, 20 THE MERRY COBBLER lead him to the hymeneal alter and make him her own. Mrs. R. Yis, lirst catch your ha re; then cook it. [Crosses l,] Find, [c] You are facetious, madam. I have no hair. [Raises hat.] I haven't enough to swear by, let alone cook. Besides, I object to cooked hair on principle. In the hash foundry which I infest, we have it served up every morning in the codfish balls. Mrs. R. If you'd only give your mouth a rest and your brain a chance, you'd see that the hair you mane and the hair I mane is two different koind of hairs. But I can't stop here blatherin' wit you all day. Sit down and take a sate till he comes. [Eocit d. li. F.] Find. Charming person, charming woman — a trifle tart per- haps, acid in fact, but so's a lemon, and a lemon's a darned good thing too — in its place. Her place is wrestling pote. [Franz enters D. R. F.] Ah! Goot day, goot day, Mr. Franz, 1 believe? Charmed to see you — allow me to assist you. [Helps liuii to chair bij table doivn R&] Frauz. Chendly, chendly, mein freund, mein body is all feet prints where dat horse stepped on me. Oh! Oh! [Sits.] I feel me like a church vindow — all pains and no putty. Find. [Drau's chair up.] Now to l:>egin, your name is Franz. Franz. Yoh— dot's me. I wish I was somebody else. Find. First name. [Takes out note book and pencil.] Franz. Franz. Find. Oh, Franz, Frauz. Peculiar name. Puts mein mind of Ylang Ylang or Schmitt Schmiddt. [Writes in note book.] Native of Germany? j Franz. No. I vas Irish. Can't you tell dot by mein accentua- tion ? Find. Ha, Ha! Good, capital . Father and mother living? Franz. [Rises.] Oho! I'm onto you now, Peat tie. You vas vone of dem newspaber fellers which interviews peoples and when a man says to you, "I vont say vone vord" you print half a column vhat he didn't say and make a monkey of him. Look at de tings dey had aboud me in dot pabers alretty vonce— goot bye — I meet you again in a hundred years, if not later. [Goes iqj.] Find, [FoUoivs him and bars d. r. f.] You are wrong. When I was younger and wickeder, I confess it with shame, I was a newspaper reporter. But now, now, I am a detective. Frauz, [Aside.] I tink dot fellers crazy. [Aloud.] So you was a detectif ? Yell, vhat you vant? Find, [Leading Franz doirn.] I am on the trail of one of the greatest confidence men of the age. Franz. You come de wrong place. Better you try next door. THE MERRV COBBLER 21 [Gets away from Y.] Find. That man's name is Franz. I don't vant to know his name — I'm not liim and dot settles it. Find. But I just want to talk to you a little Franz. Go avay— go avay— you vill talk me to deatli. Find. Well, but Franz. I don't care a continental who you butt or what you butt, you old billy goat.. Only leave me alone. Find. Very well, young man you'll be sorry lor thin. I "vo tried to serve you and you wouldn't let rue. Now serve ycnirself. Good day. [Exit d. l. f. migrilij.] Franz. Good day. Find. [Opens door (ind sticks head in.] Good day. [Londei-.] Franz. Good day. [Much lander. Repeat tliis three or four times. Comes doivn.] Oh, go to der teufful! Chiminy beeswax. how sick and lonesome I feel— I vant someting, aber, I dout know vedder it's de pam killer oder de fool killer. [Sits in arm chair.] Mrs. R. [Enters d. t^. p.] And how are you feeling this morn- ing, Franz? Franz. I'm feeling all over bandages and arnica and feetprints. Mrs. R. [Comes donm r.o.] Tis a cruel bruisin' you got, but you're in luck to be alive. Franz. I vouidn't bet on it. Mrs, R. Oh, if you only had a woife to take care of ve now! Why don't ye make up your moind and be done wid it? Franz. I tell you, Mrs. Rifferty, 1 have so much mind it can't be made up in a hurry, but I tiuk about it sometimes. Mrs. R. And do I ever come into your thoughts whin you think, Franzy? Franz. [Aside.] Franzv. [Disgusted^ Oh, if I onlv had an ax! Mrs. R. What's that you say, Franzy? Franz. Frequently, Mrs. Rifferty, frequently. Mrs.R. Thin take me Franz, me darlin' man, I'm yours. [Kneels.] Franz. You come into mein head at night time in main dreams. Mrs. R, [Aside.] The dear man, he dreams about me. [Rises.] Franz. Yah. I have de night horses. Rifferty, you vas a crank- I don'd vae looking for a vife and grand modder com- bined. Mrs. R. Grandmother! Oh. ye Dutch emigrant! If it wasn't 22 THE MEHRY COBBL.ER for your helpless condition, I'd scralcli your eyes out. [Going D. L.. F. T.j Grandmother, oh, the bliggard. [E.rit d. l. f.] Franz. Veil, I guess dot seddles it and I get nie iired, I go pack up mein bundle and prepare to move on. [LimpH to d. k. f. e.\:it.\ Mrs. R. [Without.] No sor, the Colonel isn't here yet but the Dutchman's in the front room if you want to see him. HolmeM. [Kiiockti at door and enters irith Bob. d. u f.] Not here. So much the better, for now 1 can tlnish what I was tell- ing you. Bob. Sholy, sah. [Theij come dotrn c. Franz opens d. k. f. cautiousltj.\ Holmes. [Sits l,. oil sofa.] From what I have learned from Miss Derrom, this young German is the very boy who was re- I^orted among the victims of yellow fever at Memphis. At any rate the story h.e told her tallies remarkably well with young Altenheim's history. [Franz is listening at d. r. f.] If he is Altenheim, he must be ])ut out of the way. Bob. [iv. c. laughs.] Why pshaw! Let me get him down along de levee and dey'U be a cuttin' match in full swing so sudden he'll nevah know how it commenced. [Draws ichite Itandled razor from his hip pocket.] One quick slash wid dis across de gem men's neck, a splash, and by de time de police get dar he'll l)e floating down de Mississip' vviv his froat cat. Franz. [Aside.] Vliat a nice places dot levee is for me — to keep avay from. [Ej:it door \i. v.] H(>imes. [6tartltd.] What was that? [Goes up a fen- steps.] Bob. Somebody in denaixt room, 1 reckon. [Points d. k. f.J Holmes. The cobbler, I suppose. Now hurry to Col. Derrom's ofiice with the note I gave you. Bob. Yes sah. Holmes. You're quite sure that Miss Derrom has been coming here? Bob. Dead sho'. I hung around like you told me and I see her myseir. Reckon she must be stuck on dis yer Dutchman. Franz. [Without.] Mrs. Rifferty— Oh Mrs.Rifferty. Holmes. Quick — clear out and I'll see what information I can pick out of this fellow. Bob. Y'es, sah. [Going d. l. f.] Oh, when I get him down on de levee. [Exit chuckling.] Franz. [Opening d. p.. f.] Mrs. Rifferty, vhy don'd you answer me vhen I Oh, oxcuse me— I tought you vas Rifferty. Veil, veil, veil. [LaugJis.] Holmes* She was here a few minutes ago but left me alone to wait for you. THE MEKRV CUBBEEU 23 Fran/. Oh— dot's it. [J. imps dotru to arm cliair k.j Holmes. [Dotru n. c.j You seem to mend slowly after the accident. Franz. I vas so mueh broken uj> dere vas a good deal to mend. Oh, oh -[Sits.] Holmes. 1 have called to thank you for saving the life of the young lady 1 am engaged to and to ask you to accept this as a slight earnest of what I intend to do for yon when you get well. [Gi'res 'money.] Franz. [.-l8«(/<\l A slight earnest of vhat he vill do for me when 1 get w^ell— down by der levee. [Pauses.] Twenty dollars. 1 buy me a gun mid dot. [Aloud.] Tanks! You're a chendel- man. [Aside.] I'm a liar. Holmes. Miss Derrom tells me you came to this country on l)oard the Yungfraw. Franz. Yah — dot's so. Holmes. Then, thank heaven, I have at last found the nephew of my old friend. Professor Altenheim. [Tries to shake hands.] Franz. Oxeuse me. [Puts Jiands ltehi)id. him.] You vas mis- tcoken. Holmes. What! Aren't you Franz Altenheim? Franz. Nein. Dot poor failer vent dead mit fever in Memphis. I vas mit him at de time and pooty nearly vent dead meinself. Holmes. Then your name is Franz. Pranz Dittenhopper. [Crosses l.] Holmes. On— I thought that your uncle was my friend Pro- fessor Altenheim, the chemist of Berlin. Franz. Veil, veil, veil. Mistakes vill happen in debest regu- lated families. I tell you how it vas. Poor Franz's onkel and meinonkel vas both chemists— dey vas chums. Dey both had a nephew — dot vas me and poor Franz vich vent dead, and ve vas chums too. Holmes. Oh, that was it! Then you and Pranz emigrated to- gether ? Franz. Yah— and den poor Pranz he emigrated mitout me. [Points upivard.] Or else — [Poiii fs downivard.] Holmes. [Going k. Aside.] Is the fellow lying or not? He seems too simple to have invented this story and besides he has no grounds for suspicion, [Ahnui.] Then you are able to prove that Franz Altenheim is dead. Will you make an affidavit? Franz. Alfred David. Is he a Cherman, too? Holmes. No, no— I mean a sworn statement that Pranz Alten- heim is dead. I want to send it to his uncle, the Professor, sc as to set his mind at rest. 2i THE MERRY COBBLER FraiiE. Dot vouldn't give him no rest. He voulcln't pelieveme on oath. Holmes. Oh, yes he will! In a case like this it will be a satis- faction to him to know the truth. Franz. Oh veil, I schwear to anyting you vant.vhen I get better. [Sits l. on sofa.] Holmes. Thanks. Well, I must leave you now, Init I will call again. Good bye. If you need money just let me know and you shall have it. [Goes d. l. f. Aside.] Everything works like a charm and as soon as I can arrange proofs of Gretchen's death that will look satisfactory to the authorities, I shall marry Stella and start for Germany on my wedding trip and claim this fortune. [Exit] Franz. [Limjjs to u. l,. f. looks ont, cto.^ies door.] Dot failer's a willain. [Coining down.] I wonder vhat he's up to, anyhow? Vhy for does he vant me dead? I find me dis out pooty quick and den, bezoof ! Bzip! I knock his eye oud. [Takes arm out of sling, jumps, etc.] Dey tink 1 vas olful sick, but I ain't. De reason vat I get petter so slow is because Stella comes no more after I get me veil, vonce. 1 vish I neffer cotdd get veil if she would only come and see me every day. [Sits in arm chair r. Knock heard D. !..¥.] Choust vat I expected— here comes Rif- ferty to bounce me. [Calls. \ Come in. [Aside] Und I go out sure. Ros. [Etiters irifh Children, d. i.. f.J Oh, you poor fellow! How sick you look. Children. [Crowd around hiw, kiss him, etc.] Franz. Und, oh, how sick I feel! But I vas offul glad to see you all. Leila. And we are glad to see our Lieber Franz. Flossie. We are so sorry you are sick. Franz. Yah. I vas sorry meinself. Leila. [Runs to door and returns with big bouquet of weeds, leaves, etc.] Ros. The children have been wild to see you, but Mrs. Rafferty declared you were nearly dead nnd wouldn't let us in till today. The old dragon. Leila. But this morning we all went out to the park and Ijicked this bouquet for you. [Gives fiim bouquet.] Flossie. They are mostly weeds, but they were the best we could get. You donl mind, do you Franz? Franz, [c. with Children amund Jtini.] Mind! Gott pless your dear liddle hearts! Sooner I would have dot bowcue, picked mit your lovely liddle hands, dan de most peaudiful roses dat THE MERRY COBBLER 25 ever decked a royal reception room. I tink it's lofely and 1 tink you vas the loveliest babies in the world. Veil, vhat you bin doin' since I bin sick? [Gives bouquet to Ros. who jmts it in vase on table c] Ros. Oh, they've played around the fruit stand and I've been giving them dancing lessons. Franz. So! I must see dem dance once. Flossie. We've learned some new songs too. Ros. Oh, but we musn't dance or make a noise here. It might l>e bad for Franz. Franz. Vail, I run my chances on dot — come babies, you come and sit mit Franz while Rosalie gives an imitation of dot Quaker girl which goes dancing crazy when she hears music. [Children (/(/ K. and group around Franz. Rosalie //«>i(/.s- her head and does bashful buss. These lines are omitted if Ros. does not dance Or a song for Franz, Rosalie and you watch your opportunity to get the child on board and carry her off as soon as it grows dark. Find. Excuse me. You watch your opportunity to get the child oft board and carry her off. I don't mind laying the plan, but object to turning the trick myself. It's too risky. Holmes. Nonsense! There is no risk in it at all. Who is there to make trouble? Not the mother, for she doesn't know where the child is and has no money to find her if she did. Cer- THE MERRV Ci^BRLER 31 there to make trouble? Not the mother, for .she doesn't know where tlie ohihl is and has no moliey to find her if she did. Cer- tainly not Stanton, and the people she lives with will be quieted !)y a letter from liim as soon as I can reacli him. [Sits r.] Find. You've forgotten the cobbler. He's fond of the kid and will raise tiie devil the minute she's missed. Holmes. He can't do anything. You know just as well as I do that the police don't loose any sleep if there's nothing in it for them; and he hasn't a cent. Find. How about piracy? Running away with a vessel. Don't you know the penalty for piracy? They hang you by the neck from a yard arm till you are dead, dead, dead- three times. Then you are generally defunct. Oh, I'm no pirate. [Goes i^.J Holmes. [Riin's (ind n-o.sses t(ph\\ That's all right. Lomoiue is a friend of mine, in fact he and Derrom are interested in one of my mining enterprises. I'll explain matters after all is over and he will make no trouble. But this iw the best argument after all. [Tt/kes out ml] nf ntouei/.] 10, "iO, 40, GO, 80, ^00, and here's another hundred to kee]i it company. Find. [Taking nioncjj.] 'i our logic i.s unanswerable. I shall enter in my tinanciai report for tonight. "Business is. picking up and money easier. Pru-e of kids advanced with a rush to ^12(H) cash." [Puts nioiK'i/ in /Kx-kct. Takes out flask a ml (lrinks.\ 1 shall also reniaik that v\iiit-key has gone dow n. Holmes. See that it doesn't go down too often, for you will need a clear head tonight. [Going up iritli F. to i.. v. k.] Now that is settled and you'd better comeback here as soon as it grows dark. Above all things, don't make yourself conspicious. Find. Mr Holmes, you are once more wrong. The best thing I can do is to make luvself extremely cons])icuous — bv my absence. l/-;,r/Yi,. . ;...:. I Holmes. [(UihiiiKj iioini.] So Gretchen has turned up again almost in lime to spoil ni} i)laii. But forewarned is forearmed, a id knowing that she is here, i shall make myself scarce at once. <) ', well, it will only liurry matters, that's all. I must get the I. lining st.ock unloaded on Lemoine and Derrom at the best price 1 iiey will give and start for Germany at once. Now I'd betterpay my respects to madam. \Ej'it k. i. k. 1 Find. [Hc- Franz.] Franz. I didn't say anyting, aber dey call me Lena. Holmes. And what part of Germany did you come from, Lena? Franz. Chermany? How did you gess I vas a Cherman? Holmes. By your beautiful blue eyes and flaxen hair. How long have you been over? Franz. About seven weeks. Holmes. Where are you from? Franz. I vas from Frankfort Sissige. Holmes. [Aside.] Good. So far away from Berlin that it is unlikely any of her friends will see and recognize her. [Alo}id.\ Would you like to have a whole lot of money. Lena? Franz. Dot's for vhy I come bei America mit a steamboat vich makes me so sick — ach himmel — how I vas sick! Holmes. Do you know how much a thousand dollars is? Franz. Silver or gold? Holmes. You're all right. How long would it take you to save up that much? Franz. [Co nnts on fingers.] About a hundred years if I'm in luck and get a raise of wages. Holmes. Come here my girl and I'll tell you how to get it in two months. Franz. Vhat! A whole tousand dollars? Go vay ! [Cro.s.se.s k.] Perhaps you tink I vas a bigger fool dan I look like, aber nicht. Holmes. I am in earnest. All you have to do is to go back to Germany with me to Berlin and pretend you are somebody else. Franz. How can I do dot vhen I ain't somebody else? Holmes. You will have beautiful silk dresses and diamonds. Franz. And a sealskin cape? Holmes. Yes, anything you want. Franz. Mein gracious! How nice I will look in a silk drees mit a long tail and a seal skin cape. THE MERRV COBBLER 39 Holmes. You have only to do what I tell you and you shall have all that and more. Franz. I'll do dot, for diamonds and sealskins. I'd pretend I vas de king of der Cannibal Islands. Say, how large is dem dia- monds? So big vie a penny? Holmes. No, only about as big as a three cent piece. Franz. Come on, ve start now, right avay, quick. [Takefi fiis arm and pulls him. Holmes. Wait a minute— wait a minute. [Taken card from case.] Come to that address tomorrow morning at ten o'clock and I will tell you all about this matter. Franz. I'll be dere, sure — at ten o'clock. Tomorrow is my day out, yah. Holmes. Now be careful you don't say a word to anybody about this matter. Don't let anyone see that card. If you do, you'll never wear sealskin and diamonds. Franz. You pet your neck nobody sees it. Holmes. Lena, you're a peach. [Kisses Franz.] Franz. Oh, you vicked man. [Going r. 2 e. Aside.] Now I get mein eyes on de odder willain. Oh, vhat a pair of canary birds dey are. [Exit.] Holmes. She will look like a living picture of Gretchen when she's i)roperly dressed and the fortune is now within my grasp, Gretchen. [Enters r.. i. e. made up to loolx- as much like Franz as possible. Poorlij clad and with a. shawl throirn over her head. RolmeH does not hear her Iwt stands looking off R. 2 e. Grretchen speaks and he faces her.] At last! [Chord. She speaks u-'th a slight Geymian assent.] Holmes, [k. c] My God! Gretchen, you here! Orel. fc. Plaintive music] Yes, Maurice Stanton, I have found you at last. Look at me, look upon the wreck of your once happy and trusting Gretchen. You wretch! Not content with abandoning me to starve, you have robbed me of my child! Where is she? Tell me where you have hidden her or as sure as there is a heaven above us I will kill you. [Drairs dagger.] Holmes. Hush, (iretchen, hush. Do not raise a disturbance here or you will ruin my last opportunity of becoming rich -do you hear me — rich and honestly so. Grret. Honestly so— you? Bali! Holmes. I confess 1 have been wrong— cruel — wicked— but I will atone for the past. Gret. Atone for the past! Y^ou swindler — robber — cheat! Can you atone for my years of agony and grief? For the hunger and cold 1 have suffered, for the months 1 passed amid the 10 THE MEKKA" COi^BEEK shrieks and cursings of the maniacs among whom they thrust me after you had torn my little one from me? They said I was mad. [Cr-osaes R.] — and 1 was — driven mad by you, Maurice Stanton. Hulmes. They poisoned my mind against you and I believed you false, Gretchen. That is why 1 took her from you. When I discovered the truth I sought you in vain — you had disappeared. (iret. That is a lie. You never even accused me. Holmes. It is the truth, I swear it. [Walks over l.] iirei. [Taking c] I don't believe you. You deserted me be- cause you found me a drag and a burden on you when I refused to become an accomplice in your swindling schemes. At first love blinded me to your true character, but when the scales dropped from my eyes and I saw you as you are, I loathed and despised you. Now give me back my child and I will consider it a boon from heaven if I never see your evil face again. Where is she? Holmes. Far enough from here to be out of your reach. [Crosses r.] Gret. [c] Tell me where she is or I shall proclaim myself to these friends of yours as the wronged wife of one of the most un- scrupulous scoundrels outside of the penitentiary. Holmes. [Threateningly up to her.] You defy me, do you? Whom do you propose to prove yourself? Gret, Gretchen Stanton, your lawful wife. I have my wed- ding certificate. Holmes. You force the truth from me by your threats. You are not and never were my wife. Gret. Not his wife! This is some trick. Holmes. [Taking c] My name is Holmes, not Stanton. 1 married you under an assumed name and the ceremony w^as not legal. Proclaim yourself, if you choose — they will laugh at you. On the other hand if you vt'ill leave this place peaceably and see me tomorrow, I will tell you where to find your child. Raise a disturbance and imperil either my safety or my prospects and you shall never see her again. Gret. [Aside.] Not his wife! Not his wife! Merciful heaven is my reason again deserting me? Holmes. [Aside.] She hesitates — she weakens — the game is mine. Gret. I accept your terms; but if you are deceiving me, be- ware! Restore to me my child and for her sake I will not molest you further. [Crosses r.] But as surely as you attempt treachery so surely will I tell the police where to find the president of the Colorado Silver Investment Company. There are three indict- THE MP:RRY cobbler 41 ments hanging over the head of Maurice Stanton for his ehare in that rascally swindle. Beware! [Eccit l. i. k.] Holmes. She has no suspicion of where Leila is, and so long as I can keep them separated, I can compel her silence by th reats or coax it by promises. I wonder if that nigger is on the alert? [Exit R. u. E. Leila screams off r. 2 e. Hurry music to curtain.^ Leila. Let me go ! Let me go ! Find. [Staggers on r. 2 e. ivith Leila in his arms, screaming. Puts hand over her mouth.] Shut up, you little imp*. [Stella, Carlotta, Col. Derroni, Rosalie and Children enter r. 2 E. Holmes and Bob enter r. u. e. Franz, still disguised, runs on L. 2 E. behind Findliam, lifts the child out of his arms and puts her behind him icith l. hand drawing gun with r. hand. This must be done very quickly, all the action taking place sim- ultaneously. The climax must be very carefully rehearsed.] Franz. Stand back! Attempt to hurt so much as vone hair of dot liddle vone's haid und you'll tink de Fourth of Chuly has proken loose. Dot's de kind of a saur-kraut I am. Curtain. Bob, Holmes. Leila. Findham, Franz. Derrom. Rosalie. Children. Charlotta. Stella. ACT IV. [Handsome drawing room, in Col. Berrom's house. Boxed scene. Center door or archway icith port iers. Doors n. and i.. in box. Table iritJi cover on, down ]j. c. chairs. Arm chair downc. Carpet dow)i, rugs, chairs, bric-a-brac, etc. At rise Col. I>eri'om ivith document in hand, enters r. door with Holmes.) Berrom. You were indeed fortunate in finding this marriage (certificate, my dear boy. [Exa mines docume ut . Seats liimself at fable down l.] Holmes. [Sitting in arm chair r.] Yes. If I had not wanted 42 THE MERKV COBBLER to use that old trunk and so turned the contents out on the floor, I should never have discovered it. Derrom. Well, armed with this and the certificate of Franz Von Altenheim's death, nothing on earth can upset your title to the estate of the late scientist . Holmes. How about that Quintillion Mining stock? I see by tonight's paper, that a new lead has been struck and that pros- pects are very bright. [Taken iieivspajwr from table and haiids it foDeiTom who put h on glasses and reads. Holmes stands be- side Derrom and 2wints to article, looking over his shoulder.] You see it is by telegraph from their special correspondent at Butte, Montana. [Goes l. Aside.] It cost me a cool hundred dollars to get that bogus dispatch printed, but if Lemoine and Derrom bite on the strength of it, it will have proved cheap enough. Derrom. Um — ah — [reads.] — "One of the richest leads ever struck in this country has just been found in the Quintillion Mine. Sales are reported today at 57, which is higher than the stock has ever stood." Holmes. [Leans against r. cor. of table.] Fortune seems to smile on me just liow, for as you know I hold 2,000 shares of the stock. However, as I shall need some ready money for my trip abroad, I w ill let you and Lemoine have a thousand at today's quotation provided you close the denl tonight. Derrom. [Rises.] Well, if this news is correct, that is very handsome of you. — Let me see. [Figure,^ on paper.] That calls for a check of $57,000. I can't raise so much without Lemoine's help, but if he is willing to make the deal I'll go into it with him. Just wait here a few minutes and I'll go over and see him. [Goes L.] Holmes. [Follows l.] Suppose I go with you? He may need information and a good many points that I have at the tip of my tongue. Derrom. That's a good suggestion. Come this way. [E.ril 2(nth Holmes l. d.1 Franz. [Pokes Iris head tJnongh pojtiers, candD.] Peekaboo. Mr. Holmes — I vas right next to you. [Throws back portiers and enters with Stella,] Now you see what a rascal that feller is? He don't vant much — he only vants feefty-sefen tausand dollars for mining stock vich is vorth about feefty-sefen tausand cents. Stella. But how do you know this, Franz? Franz. Hush — don't say a vord. Don't you know I vas dot willian's promised vife? Ha, ha, ha! He has no secrets from his vife, you know and he tells me all about de racket dis morning. THE MEKRV (X)BBLER 43 He's so stuck on me, clot he yifes me tree liundred dollars to buy new dresses and such a tings. How do you like my new suit? A nice tailor-made suit, lie tells me, is vat 1 vant, so I buy me dis. Stella. How surprised he will be when he finds how implicitly you have obeyed his instruction. [Sits in arm chair c] Franz. [Leaning against tabl(\[ Veil, rodder. But choost vait and if I don't start dot chendleman on de road to de peni- tentiary tonight, his name is Yohann and he's a snuerkraut. Stella. What did you do with the detective? Franz. Scared him pooty near to death and den pulled his leg. He will be a vitness against Mr. Holmes vhen ve get pefore a chudge and chury. Vone ting dere is vich I couldn't pick out of eider of dem. Stella. What is that? Franz. Vhy for dey vanted to steal dot child, She's a peaudi- ful shild, aber I don't see vhat Holmes vanted mit her. How could he use her in his business? Stella. What is his business? Franz. Schwindlin'. Stella. [Rises.] Rest assured, we will get to the bottom of that; don't you think we are wasting valuable time? Carlotta will be here soon and then— then— oh, well, you understand. Franz. Yah — 1 understand [Puts In's am) around her.] Two was gompany and three's a whole shootin' match — ain't it? Veil! Veil! Veil! Ah! Stella, ven I tink dot you bin de daughter of a rich man it makes me feel frightened dat you have given de sweet flower of your lofe to a poor fellow like me. Stella. Why dear? What should frighten you? Vou are poor, it is true, but I shall share your poverty- yes— and I will work too if you cannot earn enough for both. No matter how poor we may be, no murmur or complaint shall ever pass my lips. Franz. My noble, beautiful Stella! [Tak-es her in his arms.] Stella. There is only one thing I ask. Franz. Name it, and if you ask for the earth 1*11 find some way to get for you. Stella. I only ask that you will never love me any less than you do now. Franz. Dis is raein answer to dot, [Kisses Jiei-.] Car. [Enters c. d.] Excuse me. [Tnriis ilter back.] It is all over. [Tyrns and comes dotvn.] I really didn't intend to intrude but what is the meaning of Franz being here? Has Ihe Colonel relented? [Franz places arm chair and Carlotta sits. Franz leans against table l,.] 44 THE MERK^ COBBLER Stella, [r. c] Not yet, but we've made up our minds to get married and we are going to brave papa's wrath by telling him so tonight, aren't we Franz? Franz. Yah — you vas goin' to do de tellin' while I back vou up. Next ting I introduction of your fodder's shoe maker to mein tailor. Und mein gracious! Vhat heavy boots he has got on tonight. I tell you vot, you chust coax him to put on his slippers before he ses me. Stella and Car. [Laugh.] Ha, ha, ha! Car. The Colonel and Mr. Holmes are with papa. They are talking business— something about mining stock, outside on the verandah. Franz. Yah — feefty-seven tausand dollars vorth of schwindle. I know all about dot. Say, dey might come in here— I tink ve better take a valk — come along quick— 1 tell you someting. [Ejc. iriih Stella and Carlotta v. door. Dd'roni (inle and irrit('s.\ Holmes. [Ooes r.] That is more than satisfactory, Colonel. [Aside.] I'll cash that check early in the morning. In case of any trouble from Gretchen, Lena and I (•i\n take the first train for New York and this money will l)e ample for our journey to Berlin. Derrom. Here is the memorandum. See if it is all right? [Holmes crosses and takes 2^apfr.] Holmes, [t.. c] There isn't a fault to find. [Glaitolng over 2}aperi\ Derrom. [Rises and hands check. Franz enters c] And here is the check. That I know is all righti [.4.s- he hands c?Leck, Holmes takes it with same hand as that in irhich he holds paper. Franz step)S between them and snatches both papers, tears them to pieces and throu's them in H's/ace.] Holmes, [r.] The cobbler. What does this mean? Franz, [c] It means dot you vas der biggest confidence man outside de penitentiary. It means that you are trying to swindle dis old chentleman and his friend out of feefty-sefen tausand dol- lars. It means that you are crooked enough to be der past presi- dent for der Ram's Horn club, vich is composed of all der crook- edest people on earth. THE MERRV COBBLER 45 Holmes. [Crosses r.. lo Derroiii.] The fellow is evidently crazy. Colonel. Tiie beist tiling' we can do is to send for an officer and liave liim removed. Franz. Don't get in a peiispiration about de otficer — yoi '11 see him pefor you vant him, I pet you. Holmes. Have I your permission, Colonel, to kick this insult- ing rascal out of the house? berrom. Well, no. [Croases u.] Not till I hear upon what grounds he makes these charges. Holmes. What! Y'ou surely will not listen to him for a mo- ment! Is it likely that I, heir to the Altenheim property, with the legal proofs of my claim lying on that table, would lend my- self to any such wild swindling scheme as this Dutch rascal has charged me with? It is preposterous. Frauz. [Aside.] Mem Gott! He said Altenheim! Can it be dot die is de man I bin hunting for so long? [Aloud.] You say you bin de heir to de Altenheim property. I vas Franz Alten- heim's best friend yet I never did here him mention your name. Holmes. I don't believe you ever saw Franz Altenheim. [Takes paper from table.] This wedding certificate proves that I was his brother-in-law% married to his sister Gretchen. — [Hands paper to Franz.] Franz. [Luokiuy at dac anient.] Married! Gretchen married to Holmes, Morris Holmes? Holmes. You hold the proof of that and again you show that your acquaintance with Franz Altenheim is a mere pretense. Those papers there prove the death of my wife and her child. Franz. Dead? Mein liddle Gretchen dead? Oh, mein liebe sch wester. [Droits into arm ehair overeonie with emotion.] Holmes. [Aside.] His sister! [ReeoiJsdovn to l,. corner.] Oret. [Enters c. ic/f/i Leila.] That is a cruel lie! [Comes down c". Stella enters c. d. with Rosalie and Carlotta.] Holmes and Franz. [Who rises.] Gretchen! Oret. [Holding out arms appeal in g I y.] Franz, my brother. Franz. My liddle Gretchen! [Goes toward, her, stops and turns sadli/ awai/.] Aber nicht! You are not mein liddle Gretchen, for dere beside you stands an innocent shild vich is de proof of your shame and disgrace— Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen! [Flings himself into arm chair e. covers face with his hands and sobs.] Oret. Franz — upon my soul, I say that is not true. [Kneels and takes his hand.] Franz. I vish I could belie\'e dot— but I can't. Gret. You must, you shall see, on my knees I swear that I am 46 THE MERRY COBBLER a lawful wife and here is the proof. [Takes paper from bosom and haiuh it.] Fraiii-. Dere is Bometing de matter mit mein eyes — I can't hardly see— read me dot. Stella. Stella, (r. c. Heads.] "I hereby certify that on the fourth day of April, 1884, in the city of Antwerp, I did solemnize a mar- riage, the contracting parties being Maurice Stanton and Gretchen Altenheim. Signed, (iotlieb Neddinger, pastor." Franz. [Rai.^ies Jier.] Gretchen— forgive me — forgive your bruder his, cruel, wicked doubts. [Endyraces her.] Leila — come and kiss your onkle vich is also your Liber Franz. [Kisses Leila.] Derrom. [l,.] So sir, these so-called proofs are forgeries, as this event proves. You shall pay dearly for them. [Lays hands on Holmes.] Franz, (c.l Chust hold him a minute, Colonel, till I find out vone ting. Gretchen, vhere is dis man Stanton vich married you ? Gret. [k. c] There he stands under the name of Holmes. Holmes. That is my true name. [Goes c] Stanton was merely assumed, the marriage was not legal and your brat there is a [Before he can finisJi Franz chokes him, forcing him to his knees.] Franz. You most inhuman beast. Vould you try to bring shame upon your own liddle innocent shild? Rosalie, [r. c. goes to Holmes.] Oh, you monster. I always knew you were a bad one, but 1 never thought you were so low down, sneaky and detestable as that. [Di^ops down to r. corner. Holmes }-ises. Franz, Oretclien and Leila grouped, l. c] Derrom. [c] Your law is all wrong, you pitiful scoundrel. The fact that you were rascal enough to marry this poor girl while sailing under false colors, does not make the ceremony^illegai. That is the law. [Holmes drops down to r. corner.] Rosalie. [Rons to v. \^. and beckons. Officer enters.] Do you see that clandy dude down there? [ Up c. Derrom walks over to H.] Officer. Yis ma'am. Rosalie. Are you a friend of mine? Of. Indade I am. Rosalie. And you'll do me a favor? Of. Tin of them, ma'am. Rosalie. Then take him to the station house and on the way crack his heels against the back of his head till you break his neck. Of. I will that, ma'am. Franz, [l. v.] I charge him mit forgery, obtaining money THE MERIiV COBBLER 47 under false pretenses and alien. piy(i bri^iuiiy. Jfn tried to marry meinschweeriiear. vhile i.o vas lue ii bruder-in-law alretty and )h8 vife vas litinj^'. « Of. Come on, oura that. [Handcuffs Holmea.] Franz, i vish you had a couple of chains or a clothes line so he couldn't get avay. How vould it do to put him in a barrel and nail on der head? Of. If he ^'ets away from uie I'll i,nve you ma month's pay that 1 dhraw next Ohoosda. [7V> lioimes,] Come on now, where's his hat? Ros. I'll get it. [Gets hat.] Holmes. Officer will you oblige me by straightening my hat? [Officer doea no.] Thanks— awfully— I bid you all good evening — ta. ta. By the way, I have a pair of shoes that need mending and if Mr. Von Altenheim wll call tomorrow morning, he may have the job. Franz. I vouldn't take a good deal to miss seeing you tomor- row morning in de police court. Holmes, I'm sorry I can't stop with you longer, but my friend's time is somewhat limited and I know you'll excuse me. Hn, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [llosalioyjMfs/?i6' hat on. Exit c. ivith Officer.] Ros. [Mocking Holmes.] Hh, ha, ha! Now laugh again, will you? Stella, [l. c] Now papa, not only did Franz save my life when the horse ran away, but he has preserved our honor by sav- ing me from a bigamous marriage with that wretch. Derrom. [uc] My dear, I fully appreciate Mr. Altenheim at his true value and if sometime in the future, when you are both old enough to know your own minds, you should come to me and ask for a parental blessing, why, I would most probably grant it. Franz. Tanks. [SI ictkes hands.] A ber I link ve vas both old enough to know, eh, Stella? [Takes Iter around the ivaist and ihcfi trhisper^v,.] Stella, Yes, and we have concluded to get married two weeks from tonigiit, if your honor please. [Courtsey .] Franz, [r. c] Oh, vliat's de use of vastin' time? Make it a week from yesterday and V)e done mit it. Derrom. My dear Altenheim. [Crosses l. to Gretclien and Leila.] Franz. [Aside.] Hear dot? Now T vas his dear Altenheim. A few minutes ag(j 1 vas only a sauerkraut (-obbler. Veil, veil, 48 THE MERRY COBBLER veil — vhat a diH'erence money makes -ain't il' [Aloud.] Mv dear Colonel, now dot my schweester and I come into our tortuue, I link better 1 j)Ut de Von before ^iiy name, for now mein onkle has gone dead 1 binder Baron Von Altenheim, DerroiJi. Then 5*11 that remains for me to do is to give my consent and say blets you, my children, in tlie f:jood old fashioned way. Ros. [T]n-()irs back porticrs c, mnl <>f}ur Childroii enter. Picture. Franz and Stella c. with VhWdri^n ii. and ].. of them. Drrroiii and (iretchen r. Rosalio up l. cj Fran/i. Hello liddle vones. Veil, veil, veil, you chust have turned up in time to congratutate yourLieber Franz, vich is now der happiest man in all de vide, vide vorld. Curtain. THE DEESTRICK SKULE — OF — FIFTY YEARS AGO "The Deestrick Skule" has been given in scores of towns, and everywhere with success. The manual gives full irstructions for get- ting up the "Deestrick Skule." It contains the questions and answers for the various classes, hints on costume, several "Compositions and "pieces" for the latter part of the entertainment, a parting poetical "Tribe-ute," from the "Maw" of two pairs of twins, and the speech of the "Head Committee Man." "Oie of the best entertainments of the kind it has been my pleasure to attend - Florence Lee in Good Housekeeping. Sent postpaid on receipt of price, 5o cents. BY EFFIE W. MERRIMAN. "With a view to providing societies or clubs devices both tor enter- tainment and for making money for worthy objects, Effie W. Merri- man, a well known writer of children's books, has completed a collec- tion of schemes for socials, which meet a long felt want. 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