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THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
THRILLS OF A 
 BELL BOY 
 
 By 
 Samuel Ellsworth Kiser 
 
 Author of " Love Sonnets of an Office Boy," 
 "Ballads of the Busy Days," etc. 
 
 Illustrated by 
 John T. McCutcheon 
 
 Chicago 
 
 Forbes & Company 
 1906 
 
Copyright, 1904 
 By the Saturday Evening Post 
 
 Copyright, 1906 
 By Forbes & Company 
 
 LsbHV-.RY of CONGRESS 
 Two GoDies Received 
 
 MAY 9 1906 
 
 I COPY B. 
 
 
 Colonial Frees: Electrotyped and Printed 
 by C. H. Simonds k. Co., Boston, IT. S. A. 
 
THRILLS OF A 
 BELL BOY 
 
 GEE ! There 's a call from seven-f orty- 
 eight — 
 That 's Miss Le Claire ; she wants some 
 
 ice, I '11 bet; 
 She stars in '' Mrs. Middleton's Re- 
 gret." 
 And when you mention peaches — say, 
 
 she 's great ! 
 If I could marry her I guess I 'd hate 
 To have to do it — nit ! I 'd go and get 
 A plug hat and a fur-trimmed coat and 
 let 
 The guy that 's managin' her, pay the 
 freight. 
 
 5 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 They say she gets a hundred dollars per; 
 I 'd like to draw that much a year or 
 
 two. 
 
 They 'd know I 'd been around when I 
 
 got through. 
 
 I wish the dude that comes here after her 
 
 Was in my place and me in his — I 'd stir 
 
 Things up around this town. I 
 
 wouldn't do 
 A thing but buy her everything I knew 
 She didn't have but might be wishin' fer. 
 
 She rung fer me to get some stamps, and 
 when 
 I took them up she says, *' Just wait a 
 
 bit." 
 She put one on a note and handed it 
 To me to mail — and he come in just then 
 
 6 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 And grabbed the thing — I Ve heard of 
 crazy men, 
 And I know when it 's up to me to quit : 
 She had him goin^ groggy when I lit, 
 But, blame the luck, they Ve made it up 
 again. 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 II. ' 
 
 i 
 
 IF I could have my choice I wouldn't I 
 
 be I 
 
 The main guy of a kingdom — nix f er me. \ 
 
 1 'd only wish that I could be as great I 
 
 As one of these gay boys from up the \ 
 
 State \ 
 
 Imagines that we think he is when he ^ 
 
 Tilts back his hat and lights his cigar- \ 
 
 ette I 
 
 And does the pouter-pigeon act ; I 'd let ; 
 
 Them have their thrones if I could be as i 
 
 grand \ 
 
 As these boys think they are when they j 
 
 ** run down " I 
 
 8 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 On business trips and let their chests ex- 
 pand 
 And act as though they 'd come to buy 
 the town. 
 
 The minute one of them gets in he shies 
 Around the telegraph girl, makin' eyes 
 And wantin' to know what it costs to 
 
 send 
 Ten words to Saugatuck or Brady's 
 Bend, 
 Or dictates to the shorthand girl and tries 
 To make her think he 's Mike from Up- 
 
 the-Crick — 
 It 's easy work to spot these Johnnies 
 quick : 
 They try to mash the chambermaids up- 
 stairs. 
 
 10 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 And buzz the news-stand lady, and I 
 s 'pose 
 They think that we all think they 're mil- 
 lionaires — 
 
 Hello! There that sweet little actress 
 goes. 
 
 11 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 III. 
 
 T WENT to see the show last night, the 
 -*- one 
 
 She 's playing in, you know, bnt all the fun 
 I thought I 'd have was spoiled, con- 
 found the luck, 
 I bought a forty-cent bouquet to chuck 
 Down at her when the second act was done. 
 I got a seat in front, all right, and, oh ! 
 How grand she looked away down there 
 below ! 
 I thought of angels every time she 'd look 
 
 Up at the gallery — but when I let 
 My flowers tumble down the villain took 
 And give them to the putty-faced sou- 
 brette ! 
 
 12 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I wish I was the hero of the play- 
 She 's actin' in and had the chance to lay 
 Her head agin my buzzom every night 
 And knock the villain down and hold 
 her tight — 
 I wouldn't ask to have a cent of pay. 
 And when she 'd look up at me sweet 
 
 and proud 
 I 'd feel so glad I 'd have to yell out 
 loud : 
 I '11 bet the knock I give the villain when 
 I come to rescue her would make him 
 grunt. 
 And when she wound her arms around me, 
 then — 
 Oh, blame it, there 's old Morton howlin' 
 ''Front! " 
 
 14 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 IV. 
 
 T DON'T feel like I used to feel no more; 
 
 -■- It seems as though I 'd like to go 
 
 away 
 
 From where the racket 's goin' on all 
 
 day, 
 
 And have her with me there, and she 'd 
 
 be sore 
 At that rich dude who meets her at the 
 door 
 Back by the stage when she 's got 
 
 through the play: 
 I wish that she 'd get sweet on me and 
 say 
 She never knew what lovin' was before. 
 
 15 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I Ve got a tooth-brush now, and every 
 night 
 I wash my neck and ears: I don't in- 
 tend 
 To chew tobacco any more, nor spend 
 My change fer cigarettes; her teeth are 
 
 white, 
 And if she seen that mine were, too, she 
 might 
 Be liable to love me. Every time 
 She looks at me it kind of seems that 
 I'm 
 All full of something tickel-ish and light. 
 
 I 'd like it if I knew some way to make 
 My ears stay closer to my head and not 
 Stick out the way they do, as though 
 they 'd got 
 
 16 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 Unfastened and hung loose. I wish I 'd 
 
 wake 
 To-morrow so good-looldn' it would break 
 Her heart unless I 'd take her on the 
 
 spot; 
 And I could lick that dude if he got hot 
 And made rough house when she 'd give 
 him the shake. 
 
 If I could go away with her to where 
 There wasn't anybody else at all, 
 And we could set around all day or loll 
 Beside the cricks and never have to care 
 When bells would ring, and all around us 
 there 
 The posies would be growin' sweet and 
 
 tall, 
 I 'd never mind if it was spring or 
 fall — 
 But still I s'pose she couldn't live on air. 
 18 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 T THINK I '11 chuck this job and go and 
 J- try 
 
 To be a supe with her, and by and by 
 Get speakin' parts to play, and then — 
 
 who knows? — 
 Be leadin' man, at last, and wear dude 
 clo's. 
 I 'd drink champagne whenever I was dry. 
 And have a chance to travel up and 
 
 down 
 Around the country, seein' every town. 
 And after every act they 'd call fer me; 
 
 All week I 'd only work two afternoons, 
 And nearly everywhere I went I 'd see 
 My picture in the windows of saloons. 
 19 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I 'd have a stage name that was grand to 
 
 hear — 
 I think I 'd make it Reginald De Vere — 
 Gee! Would n^t that loom up great on 
 
 the bills? 
 They 'd never know they cheered fer 
 Eddie Mills 
 When I would get the signal to appear. 
 I 'd give her all the beautiful bouquets 
 The girls would send to me at matinees, 
 And when the show was over crowds 
 would stand 
 Outside to watch fer me and her and 
 stare 
 When we come out, and I would take her 
 hand 
 And lead her to our carriage, waitin' 
 there. 
 
 20 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 VI. 
 
 T WENT up-stairs, this morning, when 
 -*- she rung — 
 
 I guess she must of just got out of 
 
 bed — 
 It seemed to me her nose looked kind of 
 red; 
 They was a little wad of hair that hung 
 Down in a pigtail on her back ; she brung 
 A telegram out to the door, and said: 
 ' ' Well, get a move — good Heavens, are 
 you dead? '' 
 Somehow she didn't seem to look so 
 young. 
 
 22 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I can't help kind of wonderin' to-day 
 What made her look so queer; it 
 
 seems as though 
 There 's something that is gone. I 'd 
 like to know 
 If all the ones that 's beautiful when they 
 Get on their riggin' and are fixed up gay 
 Ain't much but framework when 
 
 they Ve gone at night 
 And safely locked themselves in out of 
 sight 
 And laid what ain't growed on to them 
 away. 
 
 When me and Mike, the porter, were alone 
 I got to tellin' him about my thoughts — 
 Mike 's had two wives, and so, of course, 
 knows lots. 
 He told me in a kind of solium tone : 
 23 
 
THKILLS OF A BELL BOY j 
 
 *^ Me boy, a woman cr-rathure 's like a ] 
 
 shtone — ] 
 
 At laste some women ar-re — Whin ' 
 
 dr-ressed they 're foine, j 
 
 But whin they ain't ye '11 ha-ardly see I 
 
 a soign 1 
 
 Av beanty that ye 'd ta-ake to be their I 
 
 own. ' ' 
 
 24 
 

THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 VIL 
 
 T T 'S all off now. She 's gone out West 
 -^ somewhere — 
 
 The papers say to South Dakota — there 
 She 's got things fixed to get divorced, 
 
 they claim. 
 It seems that Mrs. Pickleham 's her 
 name 
 In private life, instead of Miss Le Claire. 
 Her father runs a dray in Buffalo, 
 That 's what the papers say: I s'pose 
 they know. 
 I wonder why it always has to be 
 That everything you think is great be- 
 fore 
 
 26 
 
THKILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 You know about it, when you get to see 
 Just how it is don't seem so grand no 
 more? 
 
 I wish I had the forty cents I blew 
 To get the bunch of posies what I threw 
 At her that night. I had to gasp almost 
 Whenever she 'd look up. Gee ! What a 
 roast 
 The boys would give me fer it if they 
 knew. 
 But still there ain't no use of feelin' 
 
 bad; 
 
 I got my money's worth, fer I was glad, 
 
 And every minute that you 're feelin' gay 
 
 About a thing that never can come true 
 
 Is something that '11 not get took away; 
 
 It 's in your system and belongs to you. 
 
 28 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 VIII. 
 
 rriHEY 'VE give us a new operator here 
 -^ To take the telegrams ; she 's pretty 
 near 
 A daisy, too. Her eyes are big and 
 
 brown ; 
 And when she sets there kind of lookin' 
 down, 
 As though she didn't notice things, it 's 
 queer 
 The way I get to wishin' I could go 
 And save her from the clutches of some 
 foe. 
 She makes me feel as though I'd like to be 
 29 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY ; 
 
 j 
 
 A handsome man, about six foot, and | 
 
 strong, I 
 
 To take her in my arms and let her see ; 
 
 That I was here protectin* her from | 
 
 wrong. I 
 
 ] 
 
 The other day I talked to her a while: ! 
 
 It seemed as though whenever she would ! 
 
 smile ! 
 
 I 'd have a goneish feelin' in my breast, j 
 
 She 'd be a peach, no matter how she ; 
 
 dressed, i 
 
 She 's got the other girls here beat a mile. ! 
 
 The red that 's on her cheeks ain't I 
 
 painted there, I 
 
 And she ain't wearin' no dead woman's \ 
 
 hair : i 
 
 I don't blame homely women if they try \ 
 
 30 
 

THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 To make themselves look fine, fer good 
 looks pay — 
 But hers is not the kind that they can 
 buy — 
 The beauty that she 's got grew there to 
 stay. 
 
 32 
 
THKILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 IX. 
 
 /^NCE, when her instrument was 
 ^^ workin* bad 
 She jerked the thing and hit it with her 
 
 fist 
 And nearly broke her round, soft little 
 wrist — 
 I never s ^posed that she could get so mad. 
 When I told ma it seemed to make her 
 glad. 
 She says a girl that looks as nice as pie 
 Sometimes has awful thoughts: I won- 
 der why 
 Ma ^s always knockin' so? It makes me 
 sad. 
 
 33 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 QOME people make me sick. They act 
 '^ as though 
 
 They 'd leased this hemisphere. See 
 that boy there, 
 
 The way he tilts his head up in the air 
 And struts around so everybody ^11 know 
 He 's cut his second teeth. Now watch him 
 go 
 
 And ask about the telegrams. I '11 bet 
 
 Nobody ever telegraphed him yet, 
 Or if they did it 's comin' mighty slow. 
 
 When she was operatin' yesterday 
 He leaned against the railin', lookin' 
 wise 
 
 34 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 And spoilin' blanks and makin' goo- 
 goo eyes. 
 I wish he *d pay his bill and go away, 
 Or that she 'd slap his face fer gettin' 
 gay. 
 When fellows hang around a girl to 
 
 buzz 
 Her hours at a time the way he does 
 I wonder how they think of things to say? 
 
 Mike says he never seen a woman yet 
 That hated men fer showin' them 
 
 they 'd like 
 To take them in their lovin' arms and 
 hike 
 Away to where nobody else could get. 
 Mike says it doesn't seem to make them 
 fret 
 
 35 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 "When men get gone on them — I guess 
 
 I '11 strike 
 Out bold, because it must be so, fer Mike 
 He 's had two wives, and knows a lot, you 
 bet. 
 
 There goes that dude again, confound the 
 luck! 
 I wish he 'd get a telegram that said 
 Some chap was comin' here to punch his 
 head. 
 And he 'd fergit how sweet she was, and 
 
 duck: 
 Mike says that when a fellow shows he 's 
 struck 
 A woman hardly ever raises Ned 
 Or seems to get to wishin' she was 
 dead — 
 Gee whiz ! he 's went and give her chin 
 a chuck. 
 
 36 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XL 
 
 npHE Johnny 's went away that got so 
 -"- brash ; 
 
 I let his blamed old satchel fall and 
 smash 
 When him and me was goin' out the 
 
 door; 
 His razor and his brush rolled on the 
 floor, 
 Mixed with his nightshirt and some other 
 trash. 
 He 'd just smiled back at her and raised 
 
 his lid; 
 I 'd hate to get let down the way he did : 
 She laughed, and all the rest let out a 
 whoop — 
 
 37 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I never seen a guy so mad before; 
 He got his things together with a swoop — 
 I guess he '11 never be our guest no more. 
 
 I s'pose I lost a tip, but I don't care, 
 I 'd rather have the chance fer gettin' 
 square ; 
 What good is havin' money, anyway. 
 If havin' it don't keep you feelin' gay 
 Nor make you push your chest out in the 
 air? 
 I snuck away, out by the barber shop, 
 And laughed so hard I couldn't seem to 
 stop: 
 Mike says that every laugh you ever laugh 
 Is something that you 're richer fer, and 
 so 
 I gained about eight dollars and a half — 
 They called me down and nearly 
 bounced me, though. 
 38 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XII. 
 
 TF I would get to be a millionaire 
 -^ And didn^t have to work or any- 
 thing, 
 I ^d go and buy a dimun' stud and 
 ring 
 And open up a swell hotel somewhere 
 And be head clerk myself, and have my 
 hair 
 All curled and fixed like Morton's is, and 
 
 fling 
 On agony as though I 'd be a king 
 And had a throne behind the counter 
 there. 
 
 39 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY ; 
 
 The guy that owns this joint ain't got no ; 
 
 style : \ 
 
 He wears his whiskers down around his j 
 
 neck : ; 
 
 I '11 bet that I 'd have shiners by the ; 
 
 peck i 
 
 If I was in his place and had his pile. ; 
 
 When guests come in he don't put on a 
 
 smile 
 
 And get to lookin' chesty and say ! 
 
 '' Front " ] 
 
 As though he owned the earth: he \ 
 
 leaves that stunt I 
 
 Fer Morton, who can beat him out a mile. - 
 
 40 
 
*«wwBnia i 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOYj 
 
 XIII. I 
 
 T WISH somebody *d kick me through a \ 
 -^ fence ; 
 
 I must be gettin' dotty; I 'm so dense 
 
 I couldn't see half through an iron \ 
 
 gate; ; 
 
 Why, any one could string me while you j 
 
 wait ; \ 
 
 No wonder Morton says I 'm shy of sense. : 
 
 A man arrived here yesterday forenoon j 
 
 Who seemed to be a fighter, and as soon | 
 
 As ever I had spotted him I flew i 
 
 And grabbed his satchel and got use- \ 
 
 ful. Say, j 
 
 42 J 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY^ 
 
 His clo's were great, he had on dinmn's, \ 
 
 too — I 
 
 i 
 
 I picked him fer a winner right away. \ 
 
 It wasn't tips I thought of, understand: ; 
 
 I hoped that mebby I could touch his hand ; j 
 
 I brought him pens and ink and things | 
 
 and stood | 
 
 Around to be as useful as I could ] 
 
 And let him see I thought that he was i 
 
 grand. \ 
 
 I 'd like to bump my head against a ] 
 
 wall, I 
 
 Because he ain't a pugilist at all. ' 
 
 I '11 bet he never even seen a ring; \ 
 
 He 's just an author that is writin' j 
 
 books : I 
 
 That shows that you can never tell a thing i 
 
 About how great a man is by his looks. '• 
 
 44 ^ 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XIV. 
 
 T WISH some day there 'd be a lawyer 
 -*- come 
 
 And say I 'd got a fortime left by some 
 Eich relative I didn't know I had; 
 The ones that 's kiddin' now would soon 
 be sad, 
 Yon 'd see old Morton lookin' pretty glum. 
 I 'd buy this place and fire him so quick 
 The tumble that he got would make him 
 sick; 
 And then I 'd get the bridal-chamber key, 
 
 And take the little operator there, 
 And ask her how she 'd like to marry me 
 And let some other girl hold down her 
 chair. 
 
 45 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 I wish my hair would get to turnin' gray, 
 
 And ma would suddenly find out some day 
 
 That I was ten years older than she 
 
 thunk, 
 And I would grow six inches while you 
 wunk. 
 But what 's the use of wishin', anyway! 
 Mike says nobody ever caught a fish 
 By simply settin' down somewhere to 
 wish; 
 He claims if all our wishes would come 
 true 
 We 'd none of us be happy any more, 
 Fer every day we 'd all be feelin' blue 
 Because we wished fool things the day 
 before. 
 
 46 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XV. 
 
 rflHE news-stand lady 's got a steady 
 -■- beau ; 
 
 He comes each night at six o'clock or so, 
 And when they leave he takes her by 
 
 the arm, 
 As though he thought she might get into 
 harm, 
 Or slip on something smooth, or stub her 
 toe. 
 Mike says he 'd let his mother get along 
 Without an arm to hang to that was 
 strong, 
 And never seem to think she might get 
 hurt 
 By bein' bumped, and never fret at all 
 47 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY i 
 
 ] 
 
 If she would put her foot down in the ] 
 dirt, 
 And never be afraid that she would fall, \ 
 
 I wonder why a fellow's mother tries ■ 
 
 To make you think that every man that 's i 
 
 wise I 
 
 Steers clear of all the girls? I wonder \ 
 
 why 
 
 A fellow's mother thinks they 're mean i 
 
 and sly j. 
 
 And hardly fit to look you in the eyes? ] 
 
 Ma thinks the operator here has planned | 
 
 To hook the first poor chap that she can | 
 
 land ; I 
 
 And one night, when I got to tellin' ma • 
 
 How sweet she was — I mean the oper- ] 
 
 ator — I 
 
 The more I tried to praise her up I saw ] 
 
 48 i 
 
 i 
 j 
 1 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 The more it kind of seemed to make ma 
 hate 'er. 
 
 Ma says they 're all a schemin' lot, who fix 
 Themselves up nice to fool the Toms and 
 Dicks 
 And Harrys that don't know enough to 
 
 run: 
 You 'd think, to hear her talk, that all 
 they done 
 Was try to catch the boys by foxy tricks. 
 I don't see why ma runs them down that 
 
 way; 
 She used to be a girl herself, one day. 
 Mike says that when a woman 's married, 
 though. 
 She never wants the rest that ain't been 
 took 
 To ever stand a chance or have a show 
 To ever get a nibble at the hook. 
 49 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XVI. I 
 
 innHE other day we had excitement here; \ 
 
 -L The news-stand caught afire, and I \ 
 
 thought 
 
 I 'd be heroic Johnny-on-the-spot; j 
 
 I grabbed the operator, yellin': ^* Dear, \ 
 
 I 'm here to save your life, so never fear. ' ' ' 
 
 But just about that time I felt a swat, • 
 
 And there was lots of things that I fer- ; 
 
 got j 
 
 While Morton dragged me with him by the | 
 
 ear. 
 
 i 
 
 They 'd doused the blaze before it got a j 
 
 start, ] 
 
 And I 'd fergot our fire-drill, you see, \ 
 
 50 j 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 That 's what made Morton come and 
 
 jmnp on me — 
 
 He nearly tore my head and ear apart — 
 
 That Alexander 's too dumnation smart. 
 
 They 're all a-kiddin' me fer what I 
 
 done, 
 And she looks on and seems to think it 's 
 fnn. 
 Confound it! that 's what nearly breaks 
 my heart. 
 
 51 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY \ 
 
 XVII. 1 
 
 I 
 
 T 'M sorry fer tlie poor old boy we Ve , 
 
 J- got i 
 
 In seven-sixty-six ; he 's nearly due j 
 
 To ask St. Peter to please let him [ 
 
 through. I 
 
 His wife 's a beaut and young, and mebby i 
 
 what i 
 
 She 's doin' right along is hope he '11 not | 
 
 Be yanked away and planted in the sod \ 
 
 With her left here to fasten to his ■ 
 
 wad — i 
 
 If that 's your guess, though, take another \ 
 
 shot. t 
 
 52 I 
 
THKILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 She won't allow him to get out of bed, 
 But once when I went up because she 'd 
 
 rung 
 The first thing that I knew he up and 
 flung 
 The quilts and things across the room and 
 
 said 
 She *d hid his shirt and pants — that 's on 
 the dead — 
 And then, before she 'd caught her 
 
 breath, he sprung 
 Up like a wild man and got in among 
 Her trunks and looked up pitiful and pled. 
 
 ** I want my pants," he says, '^ I '11 die 
 unless 
 You let me out to get some exercise." 
 She shook her head and looked him in 
 the eyes 
 
 53 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 And told me it was second childishness 
 And that he was n't strong enough to 
 dress — 
 Then out he jumped and started fer the 
 
 door, 
 With nothin' but his nightshirt on, and 
 swore 
 He 'd run away — he meant it, too, I 
 guess. 
 
 But he was old and slow and she was spry, 
 And when he started to get out she 
 
 caught 
 A pitcherful of water up and got 
 Around in front of me and let it fly. 
 She turned and give a sorry little sigh 
 When he 'd went back to bed, and said 
 a lot 
 
 54 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY; 
 
 Of things about how sad she 'd be and] 
 
 not i 
 
 Know how to bear the shock if he wouldj 
 
 die. ; 
 
 When I get old and wrinkled up and grayi 
 
 I want my wife to be as old as me : : 
 
 Then she ^11 not be ashamed if people] 
 
 see j 
 
 Us out together, and they '11 never say | 
 
 They wonder what she cost me, anyway.! 
 
 I 'd hate to think that every time whenj 
 
 we I 
 
 Went anywhere the men would wink; 
 
 and she i 
 
 Had sad clo's to jump into any day. I 
 
 56 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 IT 'S up to me to Mck myself some more : 
 The daisy that is operating here 
 Has been another fellow's wife a year, 
 And he 's a clerk in some department 
 
 store. 
 The happy thoughts I used to think before 
 Are busted up forever. I appear 
 To always land somewhere back in the 
 rear — 
 The sound of telegraphin' makes me sore. 
 
 I hope I '11 have a million bucks some day 
 And be the landlord here, and she will 
 
 set 
 There, in the corner, telegraphin' yet; 
 
 57 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOYi 
 
 And when I pass she '11 look at me and say | 
 
 All to herself she wished she knew some j 
 
 way i 
 
 To not be married, and I 'd stop and get | 
 
 A blank sometimes, just so 's to make | 
 
 her fret 
 
 When she would eonnt the dimun's I 'd j 
 
 display. ' 
 
 And mebby when I stood there near her, | 
 
 then, \ 
 
 And had broad shoulders, and was six \ 
 
 feet high, j 
 
 Her lips would tremble and she 'd give | 
 
 a sigh j 
 
 And nibble at her pencil or her pen, 1 
 
 And we would both be feelin' sad, and \ 
 
 when i 
 
 She seen I loved her she 'd begin to cry i 
 
 58 I 
 
THRILLS OF A BELL BOY ] 
 
 i 
 
 Because she hadn't waited, and then | 
 
 I — i 
 
 Oh, rats! There 's Morton yellin' | 
 
 '' Front " agen. ! 
 
 59 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 XIX. 
 
 TF yesterday would come to-morrow 
 -*- There wouldn't hardly be no sorrow. 
 
 For then we 'd have another try 
 At chances that we let go by. 
 
 Instead of givin' luck the blame 
 We 'd grab the good things when they 
 came. 
 
 We 'd take the best and leave the worst 
 If all the days came hind-end first. 
 
 The fools that stand and wonder now \ 
 
 Would know just when to act and how. \ 
 
 60 \ 
 
THEILLS OF A BELL BOY 
 
 If yesterday would come agen 
 We 'd not say ^^ if '' so often then. 
 
 We 'd turn the merry face to sorrow 
 If yesterday would come to-morrow. 
 
 61 
 
By S. E. KISER 
 
 Love Sonnets of an Office Boy 
 
 WITH TWELVE PICTURES BY JOHN T. 
 McCUTCHEON 
 
 " A joy forever." — New York Sun. 
 
 " Full of fun." — Philadelphia Telegraph. 
 
 " Irresistibly funny." — Minneapolis Times. 
 
 *' All well done and exquisitely funny." — The Journal- 
 ist. 
 
 " Its fun is fairly side-splitting." — Indianapolis Sentinel. 
 
 "If you have ever been a boy, read this book." — 
 Talent. 
 
 " Pure humor and actual tenderness." — Louisville Cour- 
 ier-Journal. 
 
 "These sonnets will prove a source of delight to all 
 people with a true sense of humor." — Judge. 
 
 " There is in each and every one of these sonnets a 
 screamingly funny office-boy-like turn of phrase." — New 
 York Mail and Express. 
 
 Price ^ JO cents. 
 
 FORBES & COMPANY, Publishers 
 Box 664, CHICAGO 
 
By S. E. KISER 
 
 Ballads of the Busy Days 
 
 ONE hundred poems representing the best 
 work of this well-known poet. Many of 
 them are humorous, some have a delicate vein 
 of pathos that makes a sure appeal to the heart, 
 and all possess that charming human quality 
 which has made Mr. Kiser's verses widely pop- 
 ular. 
 
 "Mr. Kiser's work is too well known to need praise. 
 He is a popular favorite." — Minneapolis Times. 
 
 " His many varieties of verse have made him a friend 
 of every lover of poetry." — Columbus Press. 
 
 " Mr. Kiser has that rare original wit that can turn the 
 most commonplace things to laughable account." — Dal- 
 las News. 
 
 " Few or none of the magazine poets excel Mr. Kiser 
 in touching the chord of human sympathy." — The Argo- 
 naut^ San Francisco. 
 
 Tastefully printed and bound in an artistic, decorated 
 cover, I2m0y cloth, gilt top, 224 pages. Price, $1.2^. 
 
 FORBES & COMPANY, Publishers 
 Box 664, CHICAGO 
 
Now in Thirtieth Thousand 
 
 BEN KING'S VERSE 
 
 If I should die to-night 
 And you should come to my cold corpse and say, 
 Weeping and heartsick o'er my lifeless clay — 
 
 If I should die to-night 
 And you should come in deepest grief and woe 
 And say, " Here 's that ten dollars that I owe " — 
 
 I might arise in my large white cravat 
 
 And say, " What 's that ? " 
 
 If I should die to-night 
 And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel, 
 Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel — 
 
 I say, if I should die to-night 
 And you should come to me, and there and then 
 Just even hint 'bout payin' me that ten, 
 
 I might arise the while ; 
 
 But I 'd drop dead again. 
 
 {From " Ben icing's Verse") 
 
 " * Ben King's Verse ' will be appreciated by all who 
 enjoy good things." — /ohn Kendrick Bangs. 
 
 " Ben King's verses may be recommended to those 
 suffering from melancholy." — The Chicago Daily News. 
 
 " Lovers of real poetry and of quaint, whimsical humor 
 will treasure ' Ben King's Verse ' as a volume which can 
 be read and re-read with pleasure, a companion for all 
 moods and times." — The Journalist {New York). 
 
 Beautifully made. 2g2 pages. Price, $i.2j 
 
 FORBES & COMPANY, Publishers 
 Box 664, CHICAGO 
 
|»SAY 9 1906 
 
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