PS -35 1 '5 1?4- iiliiliiliii^iiiiii < tifitii I Glass JPbj^i^ Book. n?^^S'lF4 Gopyright}}^ CCEffilGHT DEPOSIT. iae.1!^ M. b^^ IRecitations 2)ialoo8 ^onoloQS Ipla^lets IFFETM maalter Smitb (Briffitb Calcium Operator i9ir ^ RIANT STUDIO 90 Rogers Avenue BROOKLYN-NEW YORK Copyright 1 9 1 1^ BY WALTER SMITH GRIFFITH Published May, 19 .r-t uui. 17 1918 ©CI.A497794 In r ( lEtiguet CURTAIN CALLS Curtain-calls should never be answered in the midst of a seting, but be modestly acknowledged in front of the drop. PREPARATION Preparation is the foundation stone of suc- cess. Be very thoro, even to the most minor detail. ANIMATION Animation is everything while before an audience. Be doing something. DELIBERATION Deliberation — Be very deliberate in master- ing dialog and action. The necessary force wil come with experience. NATURALNESS Naturalness — Above all things be natural. Affectation is a crime against Nature. 1 The jTvave, the gay and the foolish tiiid their place where the sock: and buskin reign On with the giddy whirl And bussed be she Who first cries, ''Hold, enough," I've stubd my tootsie-wootsies." FOREWORD My intention in writing these sketches, recitations, monologs, etc., was to place in the hands of public entertainers a useful collec- tion in hand}^ book size for use on any occasion, hoping that the}^ wil never be found lacking in meeting every emergency, I hav striven to make them as diverse as possible and to meet ex- tremes of opinion ; to be catchy ; devoid of suggestiveness, 3^et not prude, and to teach moralit}^ with- out invading the domain of the pulpit. Yours for public approval, Walter Smith Griffith. WHY YOU e a ll. H, for a pen of fire, that these sayings might be seared upon the minds of the driven multitude ! Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shal come upon you. (2) Your riches are corrupted and your garments are moth eaten, -s- * * ^4) Behold, the hire of the laborers who ha v reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth : and the cries of them which hav reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabbath.— St James 5 : 1, 2, 4, Why are so many conscientious men and women giving their time and money to further the spread of the Socialist propaganda ? That is the question that is agi- tating the governments of the civil- ized world. The leaders of the Christian church andl state lower on Socialistic pretension. The idea of the proletariat daring to ques- titon the doings of their betters ! Preposterous ! I cannot understand (from my viewpoint)' how any sane person, even in fair circum- stances, can deny the ethereal standpoint of Socialism. I know that men and women drawing large dividends from the sweat of the workers' ex- haustion dont want it. I can understand their antagonism. But how the workers (living from hand to- mouth, grinding out their vitality) can con- scientiously uphold by speech and action the damnable system in vogue today, to their own abasement, is (to me) a wonderful ex- hibition of crass stupidity. Who is to blame? Nothing is plainer — the worker. With the power in his hands he allows the soothsayers to take advantage of every pain, ache or fad to gril his money or in- fluence to their enhancement. Just pause and look at these fakers. Followers of Christ — Christians ! How could anyone be so dense as to be thus taken in? 10 Christ had not the place to lay his hea^. These grinders of the workers' brawn are pot-bellied and rolling in grease. They own vast possessions. The worker is loaded down with grievous 'burdens that the few may airily take their dainty ways and sniff with disgust at the 'Sweat of honest toil. Religion is sacrifice. The robe of purple and the rich foods are not extold in the book 'they pretend to take for their guidance. It condemns every one of their doings, de- nouncing lip service without action in the most scathing manner. Sympathy is cheap. It costs money for creature comforts. Go ask them for even enough to alleviate your pressing needs. You get it — ^^in the neck. That's where one that wil not fight them deserves to get it. The young ruler asked Christ what he should do to be saved. The only part of the advice he refused to follow was **Sel all thou hast and giv to the poor." The wealthiest and most respected church 11 m N'ew York City is Old Trinity. Does it sel all it has to giv to the poor? Ask some of the people who hav found themselves on the street because of inability to pay for the shelter of some of its rotten* tenements. A house of God? No wonder men lose faith in the church and religion when they see such hypocrisy. That religion? Nonsense. Do you believe in the Bible? If so, why not place it above the laws of the crooks who run your affairs at times? I dont care where they house — city hall, justices' courts, churches or convents — they grab the result of your brawn and throw you into purgatory here and pretend ability to finish up the job hereafter. And they hav the immaculate gall to as- sure you that they are true sky pilots — the chosen of God ! The only astonishing thing about it is that otherwise sane people allow themselves to be bamboozled by such rot. Under the present system the majority of 12 the people fear to criticise their rulers. Con- tempt of power is looked upon as treason. All the ambitious ones are reaching for the mundane honors and wish to maintain the statu quo. No wonder those who reach for the means to possess the fleshpots whether others hav even means to keep body and soul together or not hate Socialism — it would cut off their chances to gouge and pile up the graft. They point with pride to one or two, or, say, a dozen, grafters wearing prison uni- forms. How many more jails do you suppose we would hav to build if every grafter was sent where he belonged? Here is a plain example: A man drove a car. Then he became a bartender. Then he contracted. Later the treasure of a powerful political organization — stil holding the strings of the contract graft. With no visible means of support he be- comes a millionaire. When everyone awakes to the infamy his retirement is demanded. *T'l stay here untitl I die," is his answer. 13 Invested rottenness triumphant. Are we going to stand for that sort of thing? Such assumption would be all right — if the electric chair could be called into the argu- ment within a month. Our form of government leads to positions procured and heM by preferment. Can you show me a posititon so held that any self-respecting mortal cares to hold? The same thing is becoming more and more common as years go on in private life. More and more posittions are being gov- erned by the cliques. There is one thing all want to remember: If you allow evils to exist you are to blame. If the pot-bellied hogs can get you to pour swil (you can call it money if you wish) into their troughs, why should they go out and earn honest livings? Why, they would be as crazy as the workers who uphold the present damnable system, which allows humans to walk on their shoe uppers and surfeit their stomachs with a lack of wholesome food. Why was a railroad owner allowed to 14 •I acknowledge himself a thief and then treated Vv^ith every courtesy and buried with honors? He was a multimillionaire. Why was a man sent to rot in a vile prison for years because he stole a loaf of bread to appease his hunger? He was a pauper, A poor man, his wife and family are re- fused admission to this country. An imitation of a man who became an alien for his country's good is received here with high honors. He flaunts his il-gotten gains in the faces of the plundered and they bow down and adore the golden rod. Look at the established church — the beau- tiful vestments and gowns, the careful groom- ing of even a semblance to harshness in their smooth deference to power. Any individual who pours his hard-earned cash into its treadmil deserves all the pun- ishments they can mete out. They pick to pieces the poor devil who falls outside the walls, but one can go the limit inside. Now, you and I must talk, talk and talk of 15 the utter lack of virtue in our way of living. It may influence others. Therefore it is good. WE WANT TO INFLUENCE OTHERS. But we must allso strike. That's the word. STRIKE! ! ! With the ballot in his possession the worker can be supreme. The priest, rabbi, minister, judge, lawyer, police officer — all the same — they eat up what you earn and giv you Hot Air! The public position has several great ad- vantages over the private corporation service — one is they giv you steady employment at a fair wage and do not drive one to the limit of endurance. Another is that you are not treated as dead wood as soon as you fail to return the high rate of interest demanded for the monetary pittance thrown to you by the private con- cern. You know what becomes of dead wood. It isnt even fit to burn. 16 And if you find yourself witTiout the means «of providing for your daily needs the grim reality stares you in the face — starve or beg. No self-respecting person cares to beg, therefore instances of starvation are not rare. And we stand for all this. Where is our backbone? I cannot understand how anyone can doubt the existence of a hereafter. Even if you do not believe in the teach- ings of the Bible, commonsense would clearly reveal that truism : We need a hereafter. If for nothing else, as a matter of justice. How else wil the twisters of honors re- ceive their just deserts and land where the.v belong — In hel ! These self-styled elect of God hav man- aged to so cleverly fit costs into income that you are lucky to be treated by the final three extortioners — the doctor, priest and under- taker — with even ordinary deference. I feel more sympathy for the undertaker than most people — he is lucky to get any- 17 thing after the other two hav gone thru, their little act. We are funy people, surely: When we feel as tho our end is near we become fild with alarms. The doctor is hastily sum- moned. After he has given up the priest is brought in to jolly us along. Then, if we go^ Mr. Undertaker jumps in and grabs what he can of the balance. self-prese:rvation "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." The vast destruction of life and property by hosts in a to-the-death grapple on the Euro- pean continent alarmed Americans. Germany was the only country which never relaxed in her preparation for the struggle which she surely divined, and was far in ad- vance of her opponents in the possession of war knowledge. She unmasked cannon of unheard of destructiveness and massed troops with incredible swiftness. She proved that so- called impregnable posititons were simiply a battering proposititon. In submarine warfare she taught the world a startling lesson. SHE WAS PREPARED. We should be prepared to repel IN- VASION. 18 Waste no time on mournful lays. God hath givn us the days That we may improve each thought He hath sent and we hav wrought Onward go with cheerful trust. Only shirkers die from rust, Keep the tally on your deeds, Ever ripe for mortal needs. If you make your minutes count, Then you'l find that you wil mount Just as high as you deserve In accord with whom you serve. God and mammon cant be there Helping you to climb the stair — Choose, and choose the sturdy rights That your armor may be bright. Strive and win the golden crown Duty givs for soul renown — Rare contentment all the time, Ending in a. rest sublime. 19 COURTLY DAYS In vision grand my soul to days of old Harked back — to castled walls and gallant knights In tournaments where flashing steel drew sparks From mailed coats, and lance and mace both played Their parts in whirlwind joust and savage blows When foemen met upon the battlefield, While maidens fair, with shy, enraptured looks. Each hoped her own dear gallant knight would win. Methought I woke within a castle grand, Barbaric splendor towering o'er my head In castled walls with lofty arched roof. While round upon the cold gray walls there hung The implements of war and chase and song; Then close unto my side a being sprung To mortal shape and told of glories past: "Yon dusty harp, hung high in silent state. Whose misereres in vaulted chambers rang 20 Long years agone beneath the witching spel Of some inspired bard or dainty maid, Now lives, its wierd-like notes in silence stild, A relic of the glorious halcyon days When men were warriors brave and rarely keen To guard their honor and their courtly dames Unto the breaking e'en of ties of blood — Yea, e'en their king dared not intrude upon Their treasured rights, but held, in fearsome awe. The beetling frown upon their feudal brows — And strewed their paths with rudely torn and slain When fearlessly their legions cleft the foe To sate their wrath for real or fancied woe. That rusty sword that hangs with drooping mien Few mortal souls when men were truly men Could swing in mighty lightning-like death strokes In combat grim where lusty brawny men With mad, berserkered rage of frenzied might Spread death afar thru alien lands remote; Aye, lad, but few could heft that smiting blade With aut of awe; naut but a giant he Who'd reck with it in his dread frenzy when 21 Its mighty weight must yield at wil to play Of muscled thews and hack a grewsDme path For bold tho not so mighty followers ; Yea, then it seemed, amid the fearsome rush Of warriors keen to sate their stored-up wrath, As tho yon sword gave forth a shriling note While deeply drinking life's dread ebbing blood, And e'en each flashing gleam were as a glance Of scorn and pride because the mighty shrank Aghast before the wreaking awe agleam In its dread face; and yea, the days of men Were then, for he who'd stand and face the foe Must be of mighty girth and sterling worth. For life and limb depended on the skil Of eye and arm and foot to trick the foe Into a foolish thrust or blow that bared A vital spot to crushing blow of mace. Or thrust of sword to draw the rushing flood Which dyed full many a well-contested field. Or wouldst thou hear the ghosts of maidens' sighs, Then run at wil thy hand upon the strings Of yonder lute and wake the dulcet tones Asleep in its sweet slumb'ring mellow strings ; Aye, lad, 'twil cause the weeping founts to pour 22 i Their floods adown thy youthful beardless face At countless tales that sweet companion meet Of gentles of the weaker fairer six Can swift recount into thy wond'ring ear, And many a sprightly tale you'l hear of — but Avaunt, my tale must cease" — and he was gone, The first faint ray of dawn had pierced the gloom, And I — awake within my attic room. MOTHER LOVE I am the mother of a baby boy, And, oh, indeed, my heart is fild with joy As to my breast I hug his being sweet And know the meaning of a love complete ; What then care I for suffragetic schemes. Or battle where fierce women's anguished screams Arouse derisive comment. I pray, "great God, guard thou my darling's health From day to day," that he may know the wealth Of sturdy brawn, and fondly dream I, too, That he, with matchless pluck, and valor true, Wil stamp upon the scroll of fame his name In blazoned letters bright with soaring fame Of mighty deeds and virtue. 23 The Deep Earth Delver Down in the mine where the darkness blinds. And the toil of slaves degrades, Tho his lamplight's ray scarcely shows his path, The miner toils away, And the worker groans as his pick digs deep, Stil he feels the love above Keeps bright e'en the dark thru his children's hearts As he works with his sturdy brawn. Chorus. With swinging pick He attacks his task That his wife and his children may Reap a fruitful store With their future more. In the joys of Freedom's land, In the joys of Freedom's land. 24 Down in the mine where the firedamp lurks, Where grim Death awaits the slaves Of the lamp and pick and explosion quick, The miner toils away, But his heart is light as the coal he breaks, For he knows that far above The keen, rare delight of his youngsters' play Rests on him and the pay he earns. Chorus : WISDOM This world a stage is said to be — And warned are we to ever flee The smooth and oily tongued host Who look for you when walks the ghost. But just jot down this simple wail. Paste in your hat this wholesome tale-— Who never did a foolish thing Wil never know the bitter sting Of waking to the mournful woe That friend has turned into a foe — 'Tis then rare wisdom takes the throne Right up in one's poor foolish dome. 25 Nature's Calf From Nature's grandly glorious woods, The croak of frog and cricket's shril Come floating on the wings of night To bear to man their message trite. Oh, man, in all your stony might. In iron, brass and trinkets bright. Just hie away to Nature's home, And from her haunts you'l never roam. Now Nature calls to you in tones It were but wise for you to heed. For Death sets swift the grinding pace That piles in heaps the city's race. What profiteth the money earned, Or cuning tricks so quickly turned? With every vitiated breath The city reaps its toll of death. Three score and ten is rarely reached By those who heed the whistle's screech, For throbing life is stifled where The whirling looms reflect Death's glare. 26 But stil doth man endure tlie gloom Unto the city's awful doom, And watch his wife and children fade Into the churchyard's frightful shade. What charm doth hold the multitude Where men are mean and rough and rude? The charm of gold and easy way^, E'en tho it means but shortened days. COMRADES Alltho the trend of life hath burst apart The sinews of our brawny toil, Yet, stil, the camaraderie of heart We once hav felt can never soil. Unwelcome Visitors When I was just, oh, wel, ahem ! And you were there in all your charm, You'd say to me, "How did you sleep?" And I, with baneful glare, and stern At thought of all those weary hours Achasing that dread midnight host, Would force a smile and grimly state, "I hardly slept a wink." 27 Several summers ago I sojourned daown to^ a village on the north shore of Long Island.. The precocity of the younger element there amazed me. Swatches — 30, At our drug store we hav some of the miost attractive scenarios put over every day that can be imagined. The other day a sweet young thing, pov/- dered and puffed, skirts just the right hight Oh, yes, just a flash of white stockings, you know; likewise, a discreet display of the com- missary department; and she had on one of those angle hats Dont know what they are? Why, they turn one end up — the other down, and the fair one peeks around it, as it were. And she walked right up to the counter — smile and all. Said she: "Please giv me a nipple for a baby." Now, I've been pondering ever since as to whether she was afraid I would think it was for her grandfather. 28 And if you perform your part wel you may hav an epitaph on your tombstone similar to that of the faithful piano tuner — Here lies the body of a wight, In life he tuned up strings, He now tunes harps — and tunes them wel — And moves on wings; and sings. I met a friend the other day and he said : "Grif., I see you are quite an artist, author, singer, orator, etc." '*Oh, yes," said I, "and when it comes to instrumental music — m-m-m-m — t here Fm strong. You ought to hear me play the talk- ing machine." The Fighting Chance He lies who says I knock but once Upon the door of e'en a dunce. From birth to death I never cease To seek for each a rare release From poverty. (Signed) Opportunity. 29 THE TITANIC "Ahead! Ahead!" the captain shrieks, "Crowd on each boiler til she leaks;" The curse of speed thus holds its sway From break of dawn til close of day, And thru the fearsome foggy night Crowd on, crowd on each ounce of steam Until the boat is one vast scream Of dare and drive to reach the port. Is he, the captain, brave and true, To blame for all this helish stew? Ah, no ! The predatory rich Thus drive mankind into the ditch They've dug to glut their sordid aims And smirch brave men with their foul fames ; "Crowd on ! Crowd on \" with helish glee They shriek, while they quail back from Death. To Attain the Millenium *Tis wel for us to keep in mind That life is but a narrow span From thrilling birth to evening dusk. And cheerful be to all, and kind, And graciousness itself. 30 Too much applause. Heigh, fellows, there's other entertainers here more clever than I; hav a heart. Come on, Sally. To Elsie : Giv me the girl of long ago, The girl whose presence caused a glow To hover round the humblest hearth All o'er this broad and restless earth. The suifragets and tailormades I'd gladly thrust into the shades, And trust the most ideal theme To her who makes the home supreme. PATRIOTIC Swatches— 60, 62-64, 66-68, 71, 84, 138, 147, 148. Be Prepared Swatches — 54. 31 ABRAHAM LINCOLN The Bugle Call— 9. ■ THE VETERANS As I stood viewing the parade on Mem- orial Day several years ago, in Brooklyn, my heart was exultant with pride because of the grand martial appearance of our citizen sol- diers. On and on the line strung out until — What is this coming? Why, it is the old soldiers ! The grand old men who made this day possible ! What are they doing in the rear? They were not in the rear when they were sorely needed. I turned away with a feeling of savage indignation that some of the men in power in our beloved country could so far forget the honor due to the preservers of our mighty land. I hav never voluntarliy viewed a Memorial Day parade in New York City since. MEMORIAL DAY The Bugle Call— 30. 32 Train the Young Every man true to his God and nati^ e land lealizes that the time must come when he wil pay the debt to Nature and lay down his work, so he aims with every faculty to help the rising generation to prepare so that as he and his companions drop from the ranks — incapacitated or gone over the dark river — young, virile souls shal leap into their places, grasp their weapons and carry on the fight with even greater success than their fore- bears. The Young Should Be Studious The three great ideals that all true men set up as their guiding stars to an elevating earthly existence are God, their native land and their parents — A worshipful reverence for our Divine Father, who so bountifully showers us with blessings; loyalty and patriotism for the land of our nativity and a respectful obedience to our parents in our youth and love for and protection of them in their age. No matter what we may sacrifice in the way of health and wealth for noble purposes, let us remember that we but emulate the 33 example of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ» who bore our sins and gave up His life that we might not perish. The younger generation should constantly attend the gatherings of patriotic societies that the terrible sufferings and sacrifices of their sires may not hav been in vain. To their minds constantly would I bring refreshing attention that the great liberties we enjoy were earned by the blood and anguish of their fathers. Let us keep the memories of devotiton bur- nished so as to attract all true men to their purity of purpose. My Land of Dazzling Glory The Bugle Call— 4. OUR HEROES Prior to the advent on the battlefields of the Boys of '61, this country was an anomaly —Slavery hiding its hideous face behind the inspired countenance of Freedom. Thru their titanic efforts, only was our present consistent attitude toward the lowly members of the human family achieved. 34 Again, in 1898, that notorious oppressor of the humble, proud Spain, by her dastardly conduct toward the Cubans, the assassination of our sailors and marines, and the destruction of our great battleship Maine, forced us to mobilize our army and navy and teach her a wel-deserved lesson. Stil, not all is attained. There is the question of Industrial Slavery to be answered. I fear me another resort to the sword is imminent. Every step in advance seems to demand its fearful toll of blood. May we of today meet our duty as fear- lessly as did the brave men of 1861-1865 and the conquerors of the Spanish oppressors. Tonight, with your kind attention, I wil state the reason for the fiery zeal and con- certed rush of the patriots of 1861-1865 when our brothers of the southland reached forth vandal hands to tear down that beautiful emblem and trample it under their dirty feet. SUMTER The Bugle Call— 13. 35 The great pivotal conflict of the Civil War as the Battle of Gettysburg. vi^as Borne to us on the wrings of language are the stories of many conflicts. Everyone, with rare exception, reveals heroic deeds — some man, company or vessel, division or squadron, army or fleet carried out wel-matured plans with such extraordinary zeal and reckless dar- ing as to arouse the admiration of the wonder- ing onlookers. The first day's fighting at Gettysburg re- vealed a wing of the Federal Army battling all day against tremendous ods under a with- ering crossfire from the Confederate cannon posted on the surrounding heights. The Storm Breaks The Bugle Call— 24. From the holocaust of the second day's battle, sorely wounded, was borne the hero of Gettysburg — General Winfield Scott Han- cock. 36 Hancock's Heroism The Bugle Call— 27. The desperate valor of the charge of Pickett's Brigade across the Wheat Field up to the mouths of the Federal cannon the after- noon of the third day at Gettysburg made the world-famed charge at Balaklava, October 25, 1854, sink into mere insignificance — and de- served a better cause. Nothing but the exalted courage of the sol- diers in blue could have withstood such an assault. The terror that the whirlwind charge of thousands of men, flushed with victories, is calculated to inspire cannot be appreciated by civilians. The great achievements of Napoleon Bona- parte were due more to the superb confidence of his troops in themselves than to the ad- vantages gained by his marvelous military genius. 37 Pickett's Charge The Bugle Call— 28. Other banners hav inspired men to supreme effort, but the Heaven-born Banner of Free- dom has produced that exalted courage that makes posterity gasp with amazement. THE MILITIA We, freeborn citizens of this great American Republic, are justly proud of our citizen sol- diers, because that certain amount of war- like education is confered necessary to safe- guard our beloved land, coupled with the least quantity of discipline to teach the strict obedience required for successful army man- euvers. I do not wish to take away even the smallest jot from the glories of our standing army. I only want to emphasize the fact that our institutions and ideas require its constric- 38 tion to the most minute point commensurate with safety. The family is the unit of every nation, great or small. Soldiers of a standing army, moved here and there at the dictate of their head, find it inconvenient to attend to the duties of a grovi^ing family. The assumption of family obligations is therefore deprecated in the case of the private and more or less frow^ned upon in the lower grades of the commissioned force. A large standing army becomes more or less imbued with an esprit de corps foreign to our ideas of government and more in keeping with hereditary sovereignty. To place waves of steel at the beck and call of one man is to invite disaster. The only blotch on the escutcheon of the regular army and navy is the snobbishness of some of the officers whose grandfathers came to this country in the steerage. It has one good effect, tho — it shows that imperial- ism rides hand in hand with militarism. The specious plea of non-preparedness is refuted by the avidity with which even the children grab the rifle and sword. The lust of battle is hereditary. The only necessity of this great and grow- 39 ing country is conservatism — restriction of taxation in every form. A large army is an incubus upon the thrift of any people. Tax- ation is fostered by a razheem of empty tinsel and proud chests — with very little under them but pride of place, empty vauntings and blows for trivial honors. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. When you hav hogs around you must ex- pect to be tormented with pigs' vermin and diseases. The law declares it criminal to suppress the race. Why not make the most important of all laws operative? George — How many shirts can you get out of a yard? Chester — Depends on the yard you get into. He was anxious to make an impression. She was a dear little girlie. "Some friends say I am slow," he confided, *'but, you know, it takes inspiration to make a nimble tongue." Wasnt he just lovely? 40 CASUS BELLI DRAMATIS PERSONA Paulina Broun (American lady, about 21), dressed in height of fashion; very recherche. Mrs. John Broun (Cora, her mother) widow; young looking enough to be her daughter's sister; very uptodate. Percival Graham, Chester Caslin (gentle- men friends), young, rich and handsome beau brummels. SCENE I. (Parlor of Broun home, Herkimer street, Brooklyn, 8 P. M. Mrs. Broun and Paulina entertaining Percival and Chester.) Cora (Mrs. Broun) — Oh, Percival, hav you been to the Gypsy Wing Cabaret? They say it is just swel. Percival — Oh, I should guess ! Alltho I hav seen worse. Paulina — I'd just love to go. Chester — Fl take you, Paulina. Cora (sweetly) — And I suppose I can de- pend on you as an escort, Percival. Percival (in love with Paulina) — Er, oh, yas. 41 Chester — Now that is settled, suppose yotr sing that new mushy song, Chains of Roses,, for us, Cora. There wil be nothing doing: before 10 o'clock at the cabaret. Cora — Mushy ! The idea I Chains of Roses is just the sweetest song ever. Dont you* agree with me, Paulina? Paulina — Yes, indeed, dear^ it's the cutest love, Percival — 1 call it mash, Giv us the Gefulte Fish Rag, Cora. I'm tired of sa much lovey-dovey, Cora (going over to piano) — Love is all that is worth living for (kiling glance at Percival), Percival — Ugh ! Cora (gushingly) — What is more worthy of the tenderest care than a beautiful baby ! Percival (sarcasticaly) — Why, you said only the other day that squalling brats ought to hav a special pound prepared for them — Cora (breaking in with accompaniment — sings) — 42 Chains of Roses You hav bound my heart with chains of roses. Sweetheart with the stary eyes, And your fetters are rare links of sweetness. Leading upward to the skies; Fragrance fils my very being, darling, When our breaths, like clinging vines, With a thriling kiss find bliss seraphic, And your soul with mine entwines. Chorus, Chains of roses, chains of roses. Sweetheart with the soul divine^ Nestle close within my bosom, Dear, I know your soul is mine; Gaze into my eyes with fondness, Kiss me with a bliss sublime, Chains of roses, chains of roses, Fondle me, you angel mine. 43 Oh, you charmer with the chaining roses, How I long to hear the chimes Ringing out the blissful gladsome tidings That two souls that love entwines Hav, before God's sacred, holy altar, Been united for all time; Then thruout the years you'l stil be weaving Chains of roses, bliss sublime. Chorus : Percival (sarcasticaly) — Paulina, wil you kindly render the Gefulte Fish Rag and lift the gloom cloud? (Cora givs place to Paulina with great good humor and a dazzling smile to all. Paulina plays rag.) (Cora jumps up, yanks Chester from chair and they dance. Paulina bites lip and Per- cival scowls, fidgets and finaly jumps up and grabs Paulina from piano stool and they allso dance. Soon the rithm commences to lose force, they get out of step and stop.) Cora (somewhat pettishly) — I should think, Paulina, you might hav waited for a minute until Chester and I had our little dance out. Then I would hav played for you and Per- cival. Now you hav spoiled it for us all. 44 Paulina — There, there, Mother, dont get peevish. (Oppressive silence.) Chester (recovering) — Suppose we go now; we can walk and take in the sights. Paulina (eagerly) — Oh, yes, let's. Cora (dimpling) — That wil be lovely. (Exeunt, arm in arm, Chester- Paulina, Per- cival-Cora.) (Curtain.) SCENE II. (Sam.e seting; 4 a. m.) (Enter Cora and Paulina in evening dress.) Cora (throwing off cloak, sulkily) — That's allways the way. No wonder people dont want children any more. They are nothing nov/adays but an ungrateful bunch of brats. (Paulina throws off cloak. Both take seats facing). 45 Paulina (with a cold stare of disdain) — Mother, I declare your conduct was disgrace- ful. Cora (with a sniff) — Humph ! You are jealous of your old Chester. Paulina (snapishly) — Wei, I dont know as I am jealous of every man. You fol- lowed me around all night. Why dont you set your cap for one and hav done with it? Cora (with asperity) — You should treat your mother with more respect. No dutiful daughter would make such a remark to her mother. After all I hav gone thru to bring you up, too ! Paulina (flushing and darting fierce glance) — Dont throw that up to me. You're living on my money now. Cora (screaming) — And it ought to be mine. You poisoned your father's mind against me and he left me dependent upon you to spite me because he couldnt do with me as he wished. Paulina (furiously) — You lie! 46 (They both leap to their feet and grab each other, wrestling all over the stage, with little damage, however. Tiring, they separate and drop, gasping, into chairs.) Cora (chokingly) — Paulina, I should think you would have more dignity. Paulina — I inherit my dignity from you, mother, dear. (Curtain.) The Leap Year Qirl The Leap Year Girl, with wining smile, Is seeking to the men beguile, She wears her cutest Sunday gown And goes parading round the town. She doesnt care what name she takes. Its all the same, Green, Brown or Jakes, You neednt fear a sorry lurch. Just buy the ring and to the church. 47 Chorus r Oh, marry me, Oh, marry me, I'll be your little wifey dear, I'll fil your soul with gladsome cheer ; I am a clinging vine, You are my valentine, Oh, marry me. Oh, marry me. So, boys, beware the furbelows And other schemes that woman knows. Or fast she'l hav her net round you And drag you in the marriage stew, Not even in an aeroplane Can you escape the anguished pain That's caused by Cupid's hurtling dart Apiercing man's receptive heart. 48 CAVEAT EMPTOR DRAMATIS PERSONA John O'Donnal (an Irish Jew), instalment man; cruel gray eyes; cold and crafty. May Rafferty (his typewriter), typical tango and turkey-trot artiste, David Weimer (Hebrew), young sport, about 21 ; red headed. Henry Smath (Englishman), about 35. SCENE I. (Office of the Greater New York Jewelry Corporation [12x12], Montgomery street, Jersey City, 10 a. m., month of June, O'Don- nal at his desk, waiting the arrival of his assistant, nervously druming with his fin- gers.) (Enter May.) O'Donnal (sarcasticaly) — 1 thought -our business agreement stipulated from 9 a. m. to 5 p. m., with an hour for lunch? May (pertly, removing hat and gloves) — But w^e forgot the clause relating to acci- dents. O'Donnal — Oh, yes, I see, Employers' Lia- 49 bility, but does that cover two hours or more for lunch? I suppose the next encroachment wil be a touch for more wages. May (sweetly)- — Oh, yes, how kind of you ? That is just what I was about to speak of. Everything is so high and (coming over and pating him on the cheek) one needs so many things to took nice. O'Donnal — Wei, see how cleverly you can handle the two prospects this afternoon and ri giv you a few extra thoughts. May (pertly) — Look out for the missis ! O'Donnal (glancing around apprehensively [May giggles], with a start) — Dont do that again. My nerves are not of the best lately. May — A martini when we lunch wil fix you up. O'Donnal — Oh, so we lunch together to- day, do we? May (airily) — Important conference. O'Donnal (mock gesture of despair) — And if she hears of it, where is my alibi? May — Dont fidget. I wont tel her. O'Donnal — But someone else may. May — Oh, no one wil know of it in that nice quiet hotel ; dont I allways treat you wel when you take me out? (Smiling tantaliz- ingly up into his face). '' u (O'Donnal grabs her and kisses her like a savage.) May (pushing him away and rearranging her hair) — Dont get mushy now. O'Donnal (pulling himself together with an effort, seats himself at his desk and waves May to her place) — Take this dictation, please, Miss Rafferty, ''J'^seph Manser (snarlingly). Sir:" May — You neednt tear my head off. O'Donnal (ugly look and impatient wave of hand) — "Your last invoice was exceedingly unsatisfactory. Some of the goods were re- turned as not up to guarantee, and Trahang offers me better terms." May — The idea ! Talking that way to that nice old Jew! Trahang! That little shrimp of a Frenchman ! O'Donnal — Miss Rafferty, you are engaged here to take dictation, not to make comments on my business associates, tho (sneeringly) I dont wonder you are sore on Trahang. Manser gave you a five-dollar gold piece for Christmas. I believe Trahang gave you a jolly. May (sulkily) — About all you'l get, too. O'Donnal (severely) — Go en with the let- 51 ter: "I must get the watches for at least $30. All our pawnbrokers wil giv on them is $20, and, if my customers go away from where our influence holds, they are lucky to get $10. I can't make enough at $40 to pay office ex- penses, etc., and stand for all my poor credits. Giv this matter your immediate attention, as it is imperative.'' May (to audience) — So you make $60 on a watch when you get all your contract calls for, and you kick on paying me $8 a week. We'l have to see about this ! (Curtain.) SCENE II (Same seting. Enter Smath.) Smath — So this is where th' bloomhink Hir- ish Jew 'angs hout. They hall seems to be hout. (Enter O'Donnal.) O'Donnal (effusively) — My dear Mr. Smath, how do you do? Smath (awkwardly) — Oh, fairly wel, sir ; 'ow har you? 52 O'Donnal — Excellent, Mr. Smath ; excellent. I hope business is good. Smath (pained look) — Werry slow, sir; slow, hi givs you me woid, sir. (Enter May.) May (running up to Smath, effusively) — Why, sweetheart, how do you do? Smath (bubbling with pleasure) — Fine, missy, fine. I 'opes to see you wel. May — Why, I havnt seen you in a long time; where hav you been keeping yourself? O'Donnal — Yes, we would be pleased to hav you drop in any time., Smath — Thank you, sir ; hi happreciates your kindness. (Enter Weimer.) Weimer — Hello, May. Howdy, O'Donnal. Old boy, greet you. Hello, Smath, what blew you in? O'Donnal (slaping Weimer on back) — Just as chipper as ever, my dear young friend, ha ! ha ! ha ! Weimer — Bet your life. Wel, I havent time to jolly. Trot out the prop. 53 O'Donnal (suavely) — Allways full of busi- ness. (Seating himself at his desk, he brings out bottle of whisky, glasses and box of cigars.) First we wil enjoy a sociable drink- and a smoke. You surely hav time for that little pleasantry, gentlemen. Weimer (saucily) — Is the skirt in? I dont drink, but I wil this once if May wil indulge. May (graciously) — I never refuse, with gen- tlemen (kiling glance at both). (O'Donnal serves drinks and cigars.) Weimer (after siping a little whisky) — Say, O'Donnal, do you do anything in the salary loan line? O'Donnal (smoothly) — All in good time, my lightning arranger ; all in good time. I wil talk business in a minute. Dont spoil our pleasing sociability with commercial bick- erings. May, wil you giv us that little dance of yours, with the song accompaniment? (May moves to front.) [Confidentialy] Just look her over. I'm going to back her in vaude- ville. (May sings, dancing.) 54 Oh, Turkey Trot! Oh, there was a little coon, And he was a crazy loon, Oh, my! Oh, my! He would dance the turkey trot With his rare forget-me-not. So shy ! So shy ! Oh, turkey trot, oh, turkey trot, With that dark-blue forget-me-not, The leader of the Darktown Band Waved o n their dance with gladsome hand, And then each brother grabed his girl To join with them in dizzy whirl. (O'Donnal passes whiskey bottle to Smath.) Chorus : Oh, turkey trots, oh, turkey trots. With all those dark forget-me-nots, The throng urged on with gleesome shout And cheered along the merry rout, Oh, turkey trot, oh, turkey trot, Forget-me-not, forget-me-not. (O'Donnal passes whisky bottle to Smath.) 55 Now, this little crazy loon Of an outra dancing coon, Oh, my ! Oh, my ! Could as swiftly dart and prance In the merry tango dance, So spry ! So spry ! As with his baby on his wing He then would quickly dash and swing Thru all the merry tango swirl Along with his dear honey pearl, The crowd would greet with breezy yels The turkey trot and tango swels. Chorus: (O'Donnal passes whisky bottle to Smath.) (All applaud.) (For encore, May sings "Glide, Little Brown-Eyed Lovey" with Weimer, as they waltz.) (All applaud again.) O'Donnal — I'm jealous, Mr. Weimer, of your exquisite dancing. Weimer (pleased) — Oh, just a little clever. Nothing to brag of, old top. Smath (bibulously enthusiastic) — Hi soy, hold goil, blime me, you're a topper. 56 O'Donnal — Now, Miss Rafferty, tlia't yoo hav so exquisitely entertained our guests, would you kindly favor them with a display •of our goods? They may wish to purchase today something in our hne and we wil then be able at nightfall to look back and call it a day wel spent. May (teling glance) — I'm sure the gentle- men wil hav no cause for regret if they de- deary (leers), (May selects watch, disengages his arm, runs to showcase and brings chain; then puts them on him and secures a signed contract and $20. Then she whispers to him, he grins foolishly, she hands contract and money to O'Donnal, puts on her hat and they go out arm in arm.) 57 O'Donnal — Now, my dear Mr. Weimer, how- can you be so hard. That watch at $80 1 Believe me, at such a price I must starve (mournful shake of the head). Weimer — Why, the last one I had (and this looks just like it) I paid your price, $100, and I was only able to get $20 on it when I had that sure thing- — 20 to 1 — air tight, copper- bottomed cinch. O'Donnal — That's the worst of those crooked pawnbrokers. They ruin our busi- ness. They giv you a false idea of true values. Weimer — Wei, I want some money. I've got a sure thing for otmorrow and no cash. How about a salary loanf O'Donnal — Wei, say we compromise on the price of the watch. How would, say, $90 be, alltho I wont have much profit at that price. Weimer (impatiently) — Oh, very wel. But you only get $5 down. O'Donnal (suavely) — That wil be all right (produces contract and makes it out). How about a chain, Mr. Weimer? Weimer (impatiently) — No ; giv me the con- tract (signs it and places w^atch in pocket). Now, how about a salary loan? 58 O'Donnal (holding out hand)— Five dol- lars, Mn Weimer, please, to bind the con- tract Weimer (angrily)— Here yon are (pulling K:)Ut single five dollar bil and throv^ing it at O'Donnal), Hovi^ about a salary loan? O'Donnal (reaching dov^n and picking up bil from floor, v^here it has fallen)— Easy, easy, my dear friend We'l come to that right away, Weimer (sulkily)— Wei, v^hat about it? O'Donnal — Hov^ much of a loan do you require, Mr, W^eimer? Weimer (of¥-handedly) — Oh, say $50. O'Donnal (carelessly)— All right. Please fil out this application blank (hands him a form as large as a deed, which Weimer fils out hurriedly, signs and hands to him,) Where wil you be tomorrow to receive this loan? Weimer (pettishly) — But I want it now. I must be at the track at 2 oclock to find out what the good thing is. O'Donnal (after deep thought)— It wil make me very short, but to accommodate you, Mr. Weimer, I wil make an exception (pulls out a roll that makes Weimer's eyes sparkle). Let me see, the bonus on $50 is $14. That 59 (eaves you $36. (Counts out $36 and hands, it to Weimer, who involuntarily grabs it.) Weimer (startled look)— What? Pay $14 out of the fifty for the accommodation? I guess not. (Starts to hancj it back.) O'Donnal (smoothly) — All right. Here is 3^our agreement. The money, please. Weimer (drawing back hurriedly) — Very wel. (Jumps to his feet.) So long (jams hat down on head and goes out). (Enter May, tripingly) — Oh, la, la, what chumps these men are. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! O'Donnal— Ho! Ho! Ho! What did you do with Mr. Smath? May (sweetly) — He's down in the back room of the hotel, asleep. One more drink finished him. I told the proprietor to take care of him and his valuables. Oh, he's all right, except for what struck him. (O'Donnal and May waltz.) (Curtain.) Oh, dear, I feel so unnecessary. Some people grow old gracefully, others disgracefully. 60 Beware of fhe maltese cat.. She may belong to the church. The outra styles that women encourage are a strong argument against the granting of the franchise. I My Heart Is Yearning For You, Muriel I yearn, sweetheart, for you at dawn, Without you, dear, Fm most forlorn, Muriel, Muriel, my heart's desire, Loveliest of girlies, my soul's afire, To kiss and caress you, my love, To hold close to my breast, dear dove. You Heaven's sweet, my pretty pearl, My one and only dimpling girL Chorus: Muriel, my heart is sad, Come to me and make me glad, I'm so lonesome when you're away, Thruout the night, the livelong day. My heart is yearning for you, Muriel, My soul is pining for yours, Muriel. 61 f fong, dear heart, for your sweet face To grace my home, our children's place^ Muriel, Muriel, my heart's desire;. Loveliest of girlies, my soul's afire, I want you alwaj in my muse. You passion sweet, my soul's enthuse. Chorus : fluman hogs are not born, they are made l)y other people, Dont trust the failure who sits down and bemoans his fate. Republics are a success, but their forms of government are antiquated. They, if any, should be uptodate. The hypocrisy of preaching peace while taxing the people for armament is evident to anyone who can see. Remember, when you are striving to keep down a genius, that the very people you are pleasing by your conduct wil damn you to all posterity. 62 You can''t reform people with tlie rope an^ (electric chair. Mankind is heir to many ils, else the drug business wouldnt be so profitable, "Giv a dog a bad nam« and you might as wel kil him," Axiom, dont be a dog. Could you believe that a dentist would go to the limit of pretending to a conscience? I hav met the rarity. It cost me over one hundred dollars and several sound teeth. Father — My son, be a good, truthful boy and Santa Claus wil bring you lots of nice things. Son — Is there a real Santa Claus, papa. Father — Sure, Pompous Father (to mother's pet) — You tender chickens of today make me sick. 1 used to do all the chores on the farm when I was your age, and I could do them now. Mollycoddle — You may hav been all there when a boy, father, but I notice that you like your squirrel-lined gloves now. 63 APT REMARKS Amateur entertainments are very often spoiled because they travel bj the D,, L, & W, route — Delay, Lin- ger and Wait. Entertainers are pleased when you appreciate their efforts, there- fore applaud as much as yoii wish (within reason) and then STOP. Some entertainers (and audi- ences) dont know when to stop. Moral : In red. Nothin' doin'. Too much sweets are sickening. Are you listening ? With your kind attention, I wil recite for 3^ou a beautiful poem. You wil instantly perceive the rea- son for its beaut3^ Wisdom— Page 25. In keeping with these sentiments the Yankee Quartet wil harmonize in The Wise Old Owl. 64 f If Rachel Had Only Been Born a Boy ! Dramatis persona Isadore Cohen (German-Jew) rich second- hand clothier. Mrs. Cohen (Sarah), his wife. Rachel, their daughter (only child). Eugene Dwyer (Irish- American), artist. SCENE I (Parlor of Cohen domicile, Harlem, 8 p. m.; Mrs. Cohen in rocking-chair, kniting socks; isadore walking up and down with hands clasped behind back; Rachel seated on piano stool, by piano, facing them.) Rachel — Papa, why can't I marry Gene? He makes good money; he's handsome and so romantic. Just think! Your daughter the wife of an artist ! Isadore— Vhy? Vhy? I toldt you vhy ! Vhy aindt he so obstinate? Shust shange his names to Cohen and eferyting vas as merry as snow- balls ! Vhy, if King Solomon was aUfe now 65 he'd shange his names to Cohen ! He was a vise mans. Dwyer ! Dwyer! Who efer heardt uf dem Irisher as compared mit the original names uf Cohen? Rachel — But, papa — Isadore — Papa ! Papa ! Vhy dond you say fader. Id voud show more respecd for your fader. Sarah — Vhy dond your mans be more as reasonable as your fader, Rachel ? Vhy, loogk ad how I shanged my names to Cohen ! My beeples ver gread beeples — the Isaacsteins. I vas glad to shange my names to Cohen. Isadore (throwing up his hands and wailing) — Great Fader Abraham, vhy wasn't my Rachel borned a boy? Must the only original Cohen be the last of his race? Rachel (appealingly) — What's in a name, father? Isadore- — A names ! A names ! Cohen a names ! Cohen vas a race — a gread beeples ! Vhen das Irisher ver vearing a var club and sunburns my beeples ver clothed in silks and satins and ruling der nations. Sarah — Vhy dond you marry Jakey Cohen, Rachel? He vouldn't haf to shange his names, and he's rich. 66 Rachel (excitedly) — That old frump? He's sixty. Oh, you Reno ! Isadore — Jah ! Jakey vould be shust the poy. Rachel (turning hurriedly to piano) — Have you heard the latest, father? Isadore — What? The Yiddisher napkin? Rachel — Yiddisher Rag, you mean, father. Isadore (meekly) — You saidt it vasn't polite to say rag, Rachel. Rachel — Wei, this is different (plays lively ragtime). (Isadore grabs his wife out of her chair and they do a grotesque dance, Sarah kniting all the time.) Music : (Curtain.) 67 SCENE II (Same room; following night. Rachel at piano playing and singing "Glide, Little Brown- Eyed Lovey !" Bel rings.) Rachel (rising quickly and running thru door- way, with triping step — Gene ! Gene ! It's Gene ! Gene (entering, with arm around Rachel) — Honey, what was that I heard you singing? Rachel — A new love waltz song; listen (plays and sings song while Gene hums). Gene — Play it again, dear. It is beautiful. (They sing. Chorus: Rachel rises and they waltz, singing.) (After dance they snuggle up on sofa; lights gradualy go out.) Rachel — Don't, Gene, mama might come in (soft calcium reveals Gene kissing Rachel). (Darkness.) (Mrs. Cohen steals softly onto the stage and turns on electric lamp. Rachel jumps hastily to ker feet.) Sarah — Good efening, Mr. Tryer. Gene (rising to his feet and bowing) — Dwyer, if you please, mam. Good evening. 68 Sarah — Rachel, you go oudt in der eading room. (Rachel obeys.) Isadore ! (calling loud- ly)- Isadore (in wings) — J ah. Sarah (motioning Gene to seat) — Sit down, Mr. Dwyer. (Isadore comes in and Gene rises to greet him.) Isadore — Goot efening, Mr. Dwyer; sit down (mxOtions Sarah out, who retires with a courtesy). (Isadore walks nervously up and down, rumpling his hair and breathing hard ; Gene leans cooly back and waits.) Isadore (st oping abruptly in front of Gene) — You vant to marry my Rachel, Mr. Dwyer? Gene (shortly) — That is my intention. Isadore (spreading out his hands) — Vel, und vhy dond you ask her father for her. Gene (off-handedly) — Oh, that's out of date. Isadore (sarcasticaly) — It isn't oudt of date to vant her fader's money. Gene (rising and drawing himself up proud- ly) — I can provide for my wife, sir. Isadore — Vel, dot iss all righd. (Scene is shoved partly to one side show- ing Rachel and her mother eagerly listening at door.) 69 Gene — Stil, Mr. Cohen, if you wish it, I wil now ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage. Isadore — Vel, I would rather my Rachel shouldt marry a Hebrew, but as she lofes you I gif in, mit a ver small concessions — you only haf to shange your names to Cohen. Gene ( indignantly ) — what ? Isadore (ofif-handedly)— Shust a liddle con- cessions — shange your names to Cohen. Gene (in a horrified undertone) — Change my name to Cohen! (To audience, sotto voice:) And my great-great-great-grandfather was the King of Dublin. (Draws back and doubles up his fist as tho to strike, then shakes his head and drops his arm.) (The women nervously grasp each other be- hind the scene.) Isadore — Vel, make id Mr. Cohen-Dwyer, I gif in mineself. Gene — No Cohen in it. Just plain Dwyer. Isadore (shruging shoulders, suavely) — Vel, all righd, only vun ting I shall insist on — my first grandson must shange his names to Isaac 70 Cohen, as vas mine grandfader, und I gif him a lots of munish. Gene — He wil be named Eugene Dvvyer, sir. That's flat. Isadore (excitedly) — Vhat? You von't mage any concessions (totters, grasps at air and falls). Gene (alarmed) — Rachel! Rachel! (Rachel and Mrs. Cohen come on with rush. Mrs. Cohen kneels and gathers Isadore's head in lap, wailing. Rachel rushes off, returns with basin of water and dashes it into her father's face.) Isadore (sputtering, half conscious) — Vel, name him Isaac Cohen Dwyer. I gif in. (Curtain.) The larger the purview the more need for extraordinary balance. ' Is a human being who wil wear French heels capable of judging questions of policy sanely? 71 A BRASS FIXTURE Orator — The next time I feel like exercising my muscles I am, going to grab the leader of an orchestra, lay him out fiat on the iloor and take a runing jump right onto his face with my heels. Leader of Orchestra — You inhuman wretch. Or.— How ? Leader- -Do you mean to tel me that you would dare to lake one of my profession, place him in such a humiliating position and disable him from [)roviding in a proper manner for his w^ife and family? Or. — I dont get you. •Leader (excitedly) — Why, crush in his face and spoil — Or.-— Spoil nothing. They say rubber bounces fine oR brass. If socialists would liv up to their doctrines they would make a great many more converts. To note that the preacher of universal brother- hood is hoging everything he can seize surely doesn't help the cause. 72 Mrs. Murphy's Disappointment Dramatis Persona Will Murphy, just painter; later, contractor. Mrs. Murphy (Mame), wife of the "con- thractor." Tony Rocco (barber), native of Italy. Mrs. Rocco (Carmelita), New Yorker, wife of Tony. SCENE I (Courtyard surrounded by tenements; two washtubs on a bench ; Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Rocco hard at work washing clothes ; Tony R.0CC0 seated on another bench, facing them, struming softly on a mandolin.) Carmelita — Was that your husband came home so late this morning, Mrs. Murphy? 73 Maine — No wonder you heard him ; he was soused with mixed ale — loaded up while play- ing ],)inochle over to Casey's. Tony- -Why him no getta da pint? Mame — He says it taste tinny out of the can. He likes scoops. Li ta- -Tony, when wil we. be ready for the sketch ? Tony — Stoppa chewa da rag — prac da steppa — getta da move Bil gotta da sketch write. Mame and Lita — All right (Scamper to front of stage and dance to Tony's accompaniment.) (Just as they are finishing dance, enter Will Murphy, half soused.) Mame (jumping at him) — What are you doing home at this hour in th eday, Will Murphy ? Will- -No more sky painting for mine ! I nearly fei off the ladder this morning. I dont Vv'ant to see him yet. Mame — See who? Will— The devil. Mame — If you keep sober you won't fall oft" the ladder. As for the devil, you'l see him very soon if you don't reform — you'l have the willies. 74 Will — I aint anxious. Say, Mame, I knew you were a creamy waltzer, but what kind of a whoop-'eni-up do you call that? Lita — That is the dance we do to make them take notice. Mam.e — That is your classy point for pub- licity. Lita — That gets the rapid news item. Tony — Draga da screama from da pape. Will — Oh! So we take the family along. I dont know about your going on the stage, Mame. You are too good looking. Mame — Look here. Will Murphy, if you think I am going to have you gading around the country drinking scoops Vv^ith those chorus fairies you've got another puzzle solution. Will — The chappies wil be there ! Oh, you Reno Special. Tony — Stoppa da fight. Mame — I am going to hav a new hat and pair of shoes this pay if you hav to go with- out anything to eat next week. Will (trying to look wise) — All right. Mame — And I ought to have a pair of stock- ing (pulls her skirt to her knees, showing big rent in her stocking just below the knee). Just look at that hole. 75 Will — The hat and shoes are all right, but the stockings, nit. I'm the only one sees the hole, and I aint kicking. Tony — Singa da song (softly commences refrain). Lita — Yes, we want lots of practice. (Will sings "No more for Mine.") NO MORE FOR MINE When I get over this horrible feeling, Never again ! Never again ! I wonder what's that funny shape a-stealing Across the walk ! Across the walk ! Great Casey,, am I getting the batsies ? Sure, Sure, I am, as stire as old hatsies. Oh, dear me, what a lot of queer ratsies ; Never again ! Never again ! No more for mine ! No more for mine ! 76 Chorus : Fil 'cm up again, Mike, fil 'em up, Fil 'em up again, Mike, fil 'em up ; Why afar do I thusly roam? Dont I think I'd better go home? Not on your Hfe! Not on your hfe! (Spoken— "Why?") My wife says I'm the bane of her hfe; Fil 'em up again, Mike, fil 'em up, Pll 'em up again, Mike, fil 'em up! When I get away from this mixed ale reeling, Never again ! Never again ! I wonder how's the sober way for feeling? Look over there ! Look over there ! Oh ! great stars, am I getting the willies ? No, no, no, you set of old sillies ; I wonder if those goats are all billies? Never again ! Never again ! No more for mine ! No more for mine ! Chorus. 17 (Will starts toward alley passage to street, startling at every squeak of orchestra. Mrs. M. quietly moves to meet him.) Will (preparing himself to make a quick dash thru the passage) — So long I'm going out for a w^hile. Mame (jumping and grabing him) — No Casey's for yours. (Leads him meekly into the house, orchestra playing vi^eding march. Mrs. R. seats herself by Tony in real Italian wife style. Tony softly plays mandolin. Slow curtain.) 78 SCENE II (Lawn of Contractor Murphy's country S'.eat. Stonecliff Manor, Mrs. Murphy walking around ; Will seated. Both in swel summer attire.) Will — Gee ! Just one of Casey's scoops would hit me now. Bottle beer ! Rotten ! Mame — Will Murphy, if you want to make a beast of yourself, do it as a gentleman. Casey's ! Pinochle ! Scoops ! The idea ! There is plenty of wine in the house. It wil giv you just as disgraceful an appearance as mixed ale. I wish you to forget your Mulberry Bend origin. Will — Mulberry Bend aint so bad. They havent as much varnish on down there, but there is more sound oak underneath. Mame (sneeringly) — Some more of your Coney Island witticisms. Will — Aw ! I'm tired of this place, any way you look at it. Mame — Will Murphy, I feel like giving you up ; here you are, rich and growing richer, and nothing suits you. 79 Will — We have prospered pretty wel finan- cially, but I dont see why you insist on living up in this dreary hole. Alame — What is the trouble with it XOW\ Mr. Murphy? Will (airily) — Murphay, if you plaze. Wei, Mrs. Murphay, Tony and Lita hav made just as much off our vaudeville ventures as we hav. Tony has his in apartm.ents right where we used to liv, piling up more money for him. We, to please your tony notions, have this white elephant to feed. I aint kicking so much on the joint in the Summer time, but in the Winter ! Mame (angrily) — The whole trouble with you is that you can't spend all your spare time in Casey's low grogshop. The idea of prefering Mulberry Bend to Stonecliff Manor! Will — It's good enough for Tony and Lita, and they are richer than we are. Tony comes of better stock than we do. His father is an Italian nobleman. Mame (sneeringly) — That's what he says. Funny he should hav been a barber if he had so much brains. 80 Will — \ou know what a fine musician he is. His music is the rage all over the country. Marne (with pride) — So are your sayings. Dont allow a Wop to get more credit than an Irislimaa. Will — Cut it. Here comes — (Enter Tony [mandolin case in hand] and Carmelita [with baby in arms] skiping.) Will — Hello, Tony and Lita. How's little Tony? (Lita holds up baby for 'all to see. Mame kisses Lita and baby and they draw to one side.) Tony — Fina place, Will. Will — Fine, but it's too far from the Bend. Wine and case goods. Makes me sick. Tony (with shrug) — Wine vera fine. Will — Mixed ale for mine, and they can't come too big. Mame — Do you feel strong enough yet for our nev/ venture, Lita? Lita — Strong enough? Us Italians dont make any fuss about having children. Will (winking) — Nor us Irish when we make up our minds. (Aside to Tony:) Mame has been live years now trying to make up her mind. I'm half inclined to think she has suffraget leanings. 81 Mame — Sh ! There might be some here. I dont want a hatchet bounced off my man disturber. Besides, lots of the suffragets hav children. Lita — Not after it takes wel. Tony (opening case and taking out mandolin) Lita, singa Will's lullaby. Lita skips to footlights, huging baby, and sings : I DONT WANT A VOTE A mother of a baby boy, My heart is bubbling o'er with joy As to my breast I closely press His being, with a rare caress; No suffragetic manly craze Can lure my soul's enthused amaze To even giv a moment's thought Away from him my flesh hath wrought. 82 Chorus : Hush a bye, my darling son, While the hours swiftly run, Cuddle closely to my breast, Baby, dear, in downy nest. Sleep, my precious baby, sleep, Mother's heart wil vigil keep, Naut can harm you, dearest, best, While I guard your peaceful rest. Great God, to him grant wisdom rare, So he'l escape the carping care That comes with bitter battling foes Aheaping up poor mortal woes. Until poor sinners seek the bowls That drive to hel poor mortal souls, And keep his ways from women's wiles. From snares of suffrage tic smiles. Chorus : (Crowd of suffragets jump from their seats and swarm onto the stage, screaming ''Votes for women," driving the performers off.) 83 OH, YOU BROOKLYN ! Orator — When I carne from Pittsburg the the other day and got out of the train in that grand dapo uptown and strolled thru and en to the street, the sights caused me to say: "Wei, some excitement !" Needing a new suit, I inquired the way to a first-class shop and doned a. real uptothefit cover. Then I roamed dov/ntown and gazed up at some of your sky parlors. I didnt note, but I'l gamble my mouth was wide open. 1 had expressed my trunk and suitcase to my aunt in ISrooklyn, so when I became surfeited with sight seeing I inquired the way to the Brooklyn train. The B. R. T. brought m eto Brooklyn. (Turns and starts to walk off.) Man m Audience — Heigh! Come back here. Orator (turning and coming slowly back) - What's the miatter ? I hain't dun nawtliun. 84 Man — Where's the parcel. Orator — The parcel ? Man- -Yes — the joke. Orator — It's on me. In fact, on everyone traveling that way, except Brooklynites. If I hav it to do over again I'l swim or take the ferryboat. THE DAIRY DISCLOSURE Soubrei '/very low-cut dress) — Hello; are you our angel ? Angel — Sure; why? Sou.- — You look nice. Angel — Say, what kind of a dress do you call that? Sou. (with giggle) — This? My low-cut. Angel — Dont you think it's dangerous ? Sou. — How? Angel -Why, unmasking your dairy battery so recklessiv. 85 A WILING VICTIM Angel — Oh, you Sukey! Soubret (very low cut dress and silt skirt showing leg to knee) — How do you do? Angel — Charming, in your presence. Sou. — Oh, you dear old cut-up! Angel — But I am so afraid you wil catch cold. Sou. — How ? Angel — With that awful rent in your dress. Why dont you have it sewed up? It's a shame to ruin such a lovely gown. 86 Sou. — (pertly) — The oFur Hundred affect this style, so why should I refuse to be upto- date ? So, Angel, dear, dont think I'm bold, Nor do I think I'll catch a cold. Angel — Oh, you poetess! Sou. (roguishly) — If you fear for my wel- fare, a good, hot dinner wil drive away any cold flirting around. Angel (grabing her arm with mock expression of dismay) — Stung! Sou. — It's sweet of you to tel me. 87 UP-TO-DATE? OH, NO! Orator— I tel you, it's great in these suffraget tijiies to hav a wife like mine. She wouldnt wear a lo\y-cut dress or a slit skirt. Why? (J:i\vcls out his chest and looks important.) Be- cause she knows I object to such rowdy attire. J3utler (entering and handing him a bil — Mrs. Orator totld me to giv this to you, sir. ( Bows and retires.) Orator (opening envelope and reading — To one slit skirt for Mrs. Orator, $25. (Tears his hair in dismay.) 88 ^^^:i^"a^lMf^^§feM^ ^c/ M kE): liSf " ^