PR 5^33 .■RstCs! Glass Book SZk25_ OPO riUUftlHH Toll] the €HI]f[TV£Y PIECE. [No. 4. 1 TURNER'S DRAMATIC LIBRARY, ffiih Remarks, BIOGRAPHICAL AND CRITICAL, To which is added the irhnle of The Stag^e Business* Witli Spirited Wood BngraviMgs, Beautifully executed by Mr. Woodside. PHILADELPHIA: FREDERICK TURNER, PUBLISHER ; Sold by lurner & Fisher, 11 N. Sixth St.; Owen Phelan, 57 ("hatham St. New York; B. Baniball. 50 Pratt St., Baltimore; F. I'aylor, VVashingtoa City ; B. Baldwin, >\ Sidney Smith : Mobile, Ala. ^-' -><<.,. SCF.jYE I. Fred, (ruslnng to her) Sister, dear sister, take courage 'tis only I, j'our brother. )> Eutncx's Brainatlc SLtbvav^. THE CHIMNEY PIECE 5 OR, THE MARRIED MAID A LAUGHABLE FARCE. BY G. HERBERT RODWELL, Author of Teddy the Tiler ; Was I To Blame; I'll Ba Your Second ; S^c, &^c. rniNTED rnoM .the best acting copy, with remark^ BIOGRAPHICAL AND CRITICAL, BY E. T. W. To vhich are added A description of the Costume, Cast of the Characters, Exits and Entrances, an 1 the whole of the Stage Business, Properties,- and Directions AS NOW PERFORMED IN THE LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES. WITH A FINE SPIRITED ENGRAVING, By WooDsiDE, from a Drawing taken in the Theatre. i3i)aaMj)|)ia: "\.r FREDERICK TURNEjR,— PUBLISHER j SOI.D BY TURNER ^J^D FISHBR^ 11 NORTH SIXTH STREBT* Lil'e is so full of incident and variety that authors can neve want for subject if they possess sufficient tact for the under- tak.in ig- " Thus far of beauty and the pleasing forms Which man's untutored fancy, from the scenes Imperfect of this everchanging world, Creates ; and views, enamoured." Of Dramatic Compositions, those which appertain to the follies and humours of men, if not the most popular and inte- resting, writers comparatively speaking have succeeded better in ; they are certainly the most numerous, the reason of this, if it were worth while explaining, is easily persceptible, and in some measure to be palliated; Taste dift'ers however, and perhaps will never agree ; what pleases one, does not, or is it always expected to please another, hence, many of the dramas of the day are not wholly free from praise, however exaggera- ted; just or exclusive censure. There are some, and not a few of what are denominated successful pieces, poor and utterly worthless, meagre in point of subject, and barren in true wit and hilarity. We cannot fully commend the present Farce, or class it with many others that we know of and have witnessed ; it however like many that read remarkably dull in the closet, possess considerable interest if properly representad, and this we remember to have seen on more than one occasion. The story is regularly connected and conducted throughout. The act opens with the view of a chamber, designed and fur- nished in the ' Olden Style,' and also with large and heavy frame work so common in former days. Mr. Muddlebrain is a student in chymistry and natural magic, a disciple as he is called of Sir Humphrey Davy. Closely applied to study and possessed of an easy and quiet disposition, he naturally pays very little attention to his household concerns, and which leaves him ignorant for a while, of the tricks of those who are taking the advantage of him and the litfele affairs that happen during his absence of mind. Shuffle, formerly waiter to a gambling house, is the husband of Mary, his wife's ser- KlMAKSf. Vant, and is living secreted in the house, and on the expense of ber master. His wife in the mean time is wrjngly supposed to be making love to a young stranger, whijh is her brother, and who is also secreted in the house by means of the fire placf, which turns upon the centre, ar.d furnishes a complete mooe of escape from his pursuers, being suspected as having killed a young man in a duel. The old domestic, Horn, throws out some su-^picions to his mastsr, of his wife having a lover, and he is determined to watch their motions. During an interview with his wife, .Mary, who is ignorant of the plot, tries to attract his attention elsewhere. He leaves them but with the intention of still watching their movements. Mrs. JM. is left alone, and aftei reading a letter she had received, gives the signal as directed ; the chimney piece turns upon the centre and brings Frederick into the room. He explains the nature of his case and innocence ; Horn is now heard from without, and FreJerick places himself against the chimney, touches the spring and disappears — Horn, and Mary enters, and after arranging the table they go out leaving Horn alone — Mrs. JMuddlebruin enters cautiously, Plorn picks up the letter let fall by Mrs. M, — they exit each taking a light, determined on finding the lover. Shuffle in the interval descends the chimney, but ascends again on hearing Mr. M. who enters, locks the door and exits, and re enters with a lighted candle, blunderbuss and a pair of pistols. Mrs. M. enters, and he conceals himself, she again gives the signal softly for Frederick — iMuddlebraln does it also, but louder; the chimney springs round carrying with it Mr. M., and bringing Frederick into view; Air. M. is heard without, and enters in great disorder with officers following in pursuit of Melville, Frederick in haste slips under the table ; Horn enters; the officers seize Mr. M., as he is in the act of explaining his innocence, some bricks fall unon his head, he runs forward, and Shuffle's legs are discovered dangling down the chimney — the officers seize him. Horn removes tlie cloth and Frederick is discovered sitting under the table. Frederick laughs, and the officers seize him. JMrs. M. gives a paper to the officers who go off. jNIuddlebrain asks his wife's forgive- ness ; which she grants on condition that Frederick marries his niece. He assents, and the story winds up with better pros- pects of conjugal felicity. Mary is a spirited character and embodies in it much that can gratify and enhance the attention. REMARKS. Tliis piece was first produced in this2country at the Tremont Theatre, Boston ; — and afterwards at the New York, and Baltimore Theatre, to the great delight of the spectators. The purt of Mr. Muddlebrain has been performed by Mr, Burton, an actor of the first stamp and of great merit, alike in this character, as in every other m his line, he is peculiarly happy. iMr. Hamilton's performance of Frederick, is respectable and praiseworthy ; Murdock in ShufHe is excellent. We must not forget Watson in John Horn, he is exceeding- ly amusing, and produces considerable applause. This gen- tleman plays many characters with effect, his Peter Von Bum- mel, in the Flying Dutchman, and Pietro, in Cinderella are good performances and deserving of notice. We would how- ever recommend him to throw in a little more versatility. Lucretia could not perhaps have been better played, than by Miss Pelham. She possesses many qualifications for making a good actress, and is at present neither void of talent nor favor. With such a cast almost fany piece of the same nature, would be acceptable, although we have little hesitation in saying that in our humble opinion, there is not that in thia Farce which will make it generally successful or often played. E.T.W. COSTUME. Mr. MUDDLEDRAIN— Dressing gown, white paiilaloons green coat FREDERrCK.— Modern fnsiiioiiable dress. SHUFFLE. — Friick coui, drab breeciies, high (op boots. JOHN HORN.— Grey suit, slocliiiigs, (S-c. OFFICER.— Modern dress. LUCRETIA.— White miislin.dress. MARY. — Coloured "uwa. rROPERTIES. Flower Vase — ^Rabin — Broken Retort — Wash basin — TowjJ — Soap -Letter — Tray — Cold fowl— Wine — Three tandlea- Table andclutii. DRAMATIS PEKSON.?:. Chesnut St. 1834. Mr. Muddlebrain Mr. Burton. Frederick " Ilanulton. Shuffle •• Murdock, John Horn ..." Watson. Ojjicer " Eberle. Lucreiia Miss Pelham. Mary, her servant Mrs. "1 hayer. EXITS AND ENTRANCES. H. means ^ight; L. Lejt; R.D, Bight Door; L.D. Left Door'. S,'E, Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance j M.D* Middle Door, X. Crosses. RELATIVE POSITIONS. O* The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage facing th§ Audience, THE CfiIl]?I]\EY PIECE. SCENE I —.4 Chamber, in the centre of uhkh is a large Chimneu Piece in the olden style. A Door on each side of the chimney; two other doors at sides, and a Window toith Shutters. Mauy, Shuffle, and John Hohn, are discovered arranging the Fur ui lure. Mary, (c) Three movings they say are as bad asonefirel If so, since 1 have lived with him, master has been as good a» burnt out of house and home at least half a dozen times. This is the eighteenth house he has had in fiie years. Move, move, move, he's forever moving! Like — like — John H. (Coming forward Rc.) Like your tongue. But re- member, mistress l\Iary,it's not always his fault, for since he's become what he calls a disciple of ISir Humphrey Davy, the great chymist, and a student in natural magic, nobody will allow us to remain half a year in their houses. True, he did blow off tlieroof of one with his chymistry, and frightened two old maids out of their wigs by raising the devil as they said. J Jiuih of lightning is seen to issue from door, ul side ins, Mary. This is a brother 1 suppose to the tall g;enudier I found in the p.iutry last week. Come John Horn, come with me. [ Exit, R. Joint H. { J])lloiriiit^ sloulii) T flv, ma'am. [Eiit n. 6/;-//. (c')VViiat the devil did she say about a tall grenadier, and t tie pantry ! AJis. Shuffle! Airs. -^buHle! Miiiu. (j{;)Hu^h ! Are you mad? Do you want to tell all the world that we're married, and i.et me turned away ] ^'ii'J. Ao ; but the grenadier? MiiiQ. Came to see the cook; so to prevent all the fat being ii) the tire, I cousined him, and made him a relation. Sliiij. Vcs; and remember you've cousined me too. Mary. To be sure3l have ; for you know master never will have a married maid; for he says their iiusbands are always about the house, and that annoys him. Sh'if. But why ? Mai If. Because he imagines they live at his expense. ^Inif. Absurd ; live at his ex[)ea(;e indeed — as for myself T have too much pride — he need'nt be afraid of me. By- tlie bye, I'll give you the basin I took away the turtle in yes- teiday. (talit^s a basin, from hii buck pocket.) 'J'hey're pretty careful I think. Maiy. Never mind, as the place is so good. ^hiif. \'cs ; but I don 't like to be your husband, and not your husband. But why not intrust your mistress] Miirij. I have thought ot" doing so ; {mij»tPiiously) I think she'll want my assistance soon, for I've caught her, while my master's at ids natural magic, peaping at ajiandsome young man next door. S/iuf. No! M.ity. Yes! Shuf. You don't say so? Miirtf. But I do though ; and if master don't look iharp, he'll find that mistress has more natural magic in her sparkling eyes ^lau he can find in all the musty old books since the CMIMNKY PlfeCF. H creation. Let him take care, I say, that she doesn't, one of these days, l)y love'.i cliyu!i>tiy, translorrn him into something he won't like to be called. — liere she ccmes. Elder LucRETiA and JoiiM Ilonx, n. l.ucretia. Your cousin not gone yet, Mary. Mary, A'o ma'am ; but he's goin;^ {aside) into the pantry. [Li'ciiKTiA gees to iciitduw. Shiif, (to ^^ARY.) Which is your room] Miiry. J'hat — but why] iS7/h/'. I shall be here ;it seven. Miiry. Here' Impossible. Slinf. Leave that to me ; I've a way of getting into this house which — but mum! - up, down, through. 1 cannot explain to vou now — ihiit's my natural magic. ALirij. WiKit do you mean ] th:,J\ Hu:sh! Lnrr t a. (plonking out of icindow.) Still at his window. If 1 could but let him know. Miiry. {a.->ide toSuvv) She's looking at the young man at thi-) moment. 1 should like to tell master, but he'll hear nothing but [An (^Jtjtlosion t& hturdt LitcretUi, Gracious powers! What's that? Mury. Only master blowing himself up again, ma'am. Enter Mr. IMuuDi-EBnArN r. in n Dressing goicn, witha broken Retort in his hand, and his face black on one side, Mr. M. How unfoitunate, just at the moment 1 was about to prove to demonstration, in spite of Dr. Thickhead's asser- tion — Lucretia. Dear love, are you hurt] Are you in pain? Mr. M. {uincing) Fain! have 1 not otLen explained to you, my dear iMrs. Muddlebrain, how completely the philoso- phers have proved that there is no such thing as pain in the world — its all imaginary. Ask John Horn thsre, he knows; for last week I broke his head, as an experiment, just to prove that I could not hurt him, John. H. But you didn't prove it. (rubbing his head) Mr. M. 1 did John. John H. 'i'hen why would you not let me try the same experiment upon your head, as 1 wished to do ] Mr. M, Because 1 waa already conviced. 12 CHIMNEY PriiCE. Liicretia. And see there, j'our poor dear face, such a colour —one side is all black. Mr. M. There you go again my dear! You, the wife of a modern philosopher, ough: to be aware that there is no such tiling as colour in existence. It's an optical illusion. I've often told you, that when the rays of light, as in this instance, {pli(ciiig his left hand upon the top of his h/uid,aiid the thumb of his right hand under his chin, as if to show his fuC'^ more cleuilu) fall upon aduil, thick, heavy, impenetrable substance, it absorbs the light ; and there being no light, it's dark. John H. That's true. Mr. M. And that's what we call black. Lucretiu. Never mind my de ir what we call it, only go and wash it off. Murij' I'll run and fetch master some water here ma'am. Lucretiu. No, no, it w'lil be bettar in another room. («sw/e) I must get them out of this apnitment. Mr. M. Mary's right — I'll have it here. Lucretin. How provoking. Mr. M. And then 1 can explain to you the properties of water, by which — Mitrij. I'll fetch it directly, sir. Come cou.in, I can let you out at the same time. Shnf. I'll follow, cousin, (aside to Maky as thei^ go out) Don't forget, at s;n'en this evening. 1 shall be here, in this room, anl I shall not be at all insulted, if 1 should find a nice cold chicken, and a bottle or two of wine. [Kieant SiiuF. and ISI Any, R. Lucretiu, (coming forward ivith Mr, M.c.) Now, my dear, do go into anothiif room, this you see is not yet arranged — you'll be more at home in your room. Mr. M. A philosopher is at home any where, I once re- member, when Doctor 1 hiclvhead and I — Lnrri'tiii. Do;;ter Blockhead you mean, that's the old fool who fust turned your wits about 'hy misery, and such nonsencr' it's he makes you sit up, night after ni>;ht, studying natural rnagic, instead of natural ariVctiou! and what does all your chymistry come to — nothing. Mr. M Nothing! Airs. iMuJdlebrain ? Y'ou're insulting! Is it nothing to be able to make golo})tious soup from oyster she'li ? I'h It's done by chymistrv. It is nothing to have dis- covered — t) ! inestimable discovery! — a metlr..-! of infusing laughing gas into our Theatres, which will be invaluable ou CHIMytV PIECE. 13 the first night of a new farce"! That's done by chymistry! (^reenter Mauy tiith a h(isi)i, towel, soap ami uater, uliich slie carries to Mu DDL}- WR A iji \ J. Horn asAJsts //er.) and could'nt I, by chymistry, wilh this basin of water and a little fire, make steam enough to blow us all to the devil ; and I'll do it, if it will s^ive you any pleasure to see the experiment. Washes his face, John Hokn holds the basin, IMary the towel and soap stand. Mart). La, sir! blow us to the naughty gentleman! how you fjighten one. Lncrelia, Don't be frightened child, he can't hurt you. Mr. JVf. (^washing) Mrs. JNluddlebiain, you're always throwing cold water upon my efforts ; Genijs, like Fortune, is a slippery jade — the soap, Mary' (Mary gives ihe ttoap and exits n.) And after enduring all tiie rubs and scrubs of this life, {wiping his face) endeavoring to get thiough the world with clean hands, I'm at last denied the consolation of a little connubial approbation. Lucretia. I wish, when you have cleaned your face, my dear, you would go and fetch your niece from school, it will be I such a treat for her to attend the party to-morrow evening. ' [E.rJtJoHN H.with basin, ^ic r, when Muddlebrain has Jinished washing. I Mr. M. (lc) No my dear! Ellen never comes from board- 1 ing school until the day of her mairlage; science has taught me, that girls are composed of very dangerous combusUble , particles, which, if brought into conjunction with a spark, ar« I apt to go off. When 1 have signed the marriage contract i! with my friend Docter 1 hickhead — Lucretia. (rc) Ellen marry that stupid old apothecary ? Mr. M. More respect, Mrs. M; Doctor Thickhead is a ' chymist. II Lucretia. Now 1 should have thought, nay wished, that my ' brother Frederick — Mr, M. Frederick ! that impudent young scoundrel, who laughs at my studies, and who is always fighting. Lucretia. He may be wiser now, for you know we have not seen him for these three years. Mr. M. Nor will I ever see him again, if the power I have over optics can prevent it ; no, no, his las; act has settled him with me. What, run away, and to Liverpool too ! where Ellen was then at school ; and there — Lucretia. Mr. Muddlebraiil you annoy me, I mast beg you' 14 CHIMNEY PIECE. will go to your own room, (siceetl.ii) Now do ray dear Mr. Muddlebrain, do go. Mr. M. (aside) What can be her reason for wishing to get rid of me ! Lucretia. Will you go, dear? Mr. M. No my love, 1 want to make a few experiments on prismatic rays of light, as the great Sir Isaac iVewton did, tiuougli a little hole in tlie window shutter, (pointin'r to win- dow) and here's just the tiling forme. Goes to it, clo!,es the ihutter, in ivhich is a small hole, holds lip a prism, or bit of triangular glu:is. Lucretia. (ugitaleil) If he sh juld discover him ! (loud) Muddlebrain, 1 say — Mr. M. What love"? [slill admiring the glass.] J^i.crgtia- I'm out of patience with you ! you're an a^s; and so was Sir Isanc ! [^d*?*- off indignauliv, n, Mr, M. [r] She called Sir Isaac an ass, I'll never foro-ive that ; why did she vvant to get me out of this room ? why call me so sharply from the window ? There's some mystery! [typens shutters, and looks out of window] 1 see no one! Enter John Horn, cautiously, r. John H. (n) Master. Mr. M. What's the matter > John H. Are you alone? Mr, M. Can't you see ] \_Comes forward John H. Why, to tell the truth, you have so bewildered my poor old head in trying to teach me natural magic, and to prove to me, that nothing is really as it appears to be, that I now scarcely know whether I can see or not ; but if 1 did see what I did see, I shall most certainly open your eyes to what you won't like to see. Mr. M. What mean youl John H. The young man, or something that looked to me like a young man, the very same ^ told you 1 saw under mis- tress's window, lives in the very next house, Mr. M. ^Vell. John H, And mistress made signs to him from the window above. Mr. M. Signs! but are you sure, John Horn, that it was not an optical illusion? for if the rays of light — John Lit You know master, I have had some experience in CHIMNEY PtlCE. 15 lovers coming after one's wife; I hod cnougli of it ; for when the late Mrs. Horn — Mr. M. Nonsense, John; it's not because your wife went astray, that all the female part of the creation should do tiie same. Enter Mary, r. . Mary. INIissus has just found this little strip of paper, sir ; she says its a summon', for you to attend a Committee at the House of Common*. Mr. M. I've no time to attend. MarUf Missus says you hid better go directly to — Mr. M. The devil with you. Mary. Dear me, sir, don't triiliten me ; you, being a gen- tleman, may go wheie y';u like, I'm only to go and get the .stalling lor to-morrow's dinner, i^:is^us lias a goose! [I'^nt, n ]Mr. M. Did you notice, how p(<;ntedly she said i;GO John] perhaps he's near us; tate a light, John, we'll search the house. — \'\ here shall we beglnJ John H. I used to begin at tlie dust hole. Mr. M. You go that way, I'll take this; and if we find a lover John H, I once found two? [aside. Mr. M. Ye powers that guard over injured husbands nerve my arm to vengeance ! [Exeunt Mr. M. k John i, eeteh taking a light. Snt'lFLE descends the dtiinneii, and adcunces uith caution c. Shnf. It was not' for nothing that I, Harry Shuffle, per- formed tiie parts of head waiter, croupier, cutter, shuffler, and all that, when this was a gambling house. To look at that chimney, few people would imagine the inside was built like a staircase — many a time have 1 scampered up that when the Bow-street officers, tliose cursed knaves of clubs, were at our heels. I've cut the cards now, and deal 'in other com- modities, I'm head man at a pop shop, as I call it, not a pawnbroker's but a gunsmith's — by-the-bye, I have forgotten to take home this brace of pistols, (feeling his back pocket) — never mind. Now let me see: that's Mary's room, and (taming round sees tat)le) the dear little i^ueen of heans! She has not forgotten mv hint about the fowl, and the two bottles of wine. Doubtless the family are in the dining room — so I may safely enjoy the banquet my dear little Mary has prepared for me. [^its doun at the table. CHIMNEY FIKCE. 21 He enter Mr. IMuddlebpais:, n, without the cajidle Mr. M. Nobofiy to be found ; no one has left the house ! (.vf« Sni'F.) 1 he devil! Here lie is, and eating my dinner I Shall 1 knock, him down. Shiif. flow heavy these pistols are in my pocket. [puts pistols on table, pointuig lincunls Mr. M. Mr. M. Is he going to murder us, Shiif. What if I'd shot niy-eli ! Mr, M. ] wish you had. Si'iiif. Now, jMr. ShurHe, Til cut you for a slic of ham ^cutnunlicc, niid holiia it vn a fork.) lt'> uimel I've won it. [lals Mr. M. And I've lest it l" What's he ot ? Shiif. Now, Mr. Shuffle, i'ii toss you ic:r a glass of wine — I've won it. [drinks. Mr.M. And ril toss you out of the window. SItiij: Whnt'sthdt IFuis nine glass on candle, ohd eiliii^uinLes it. Ell It r Mary, It. Minn ( ) I thought i I'eard nia.vter's voice. J^lr. M. ( L u i) A female ! that's my wif;; ! S'>iiJ\ (c) Iheie's some one in the rooia. iUarij. Perhaps it's my husband. Mr.'M. It is indeec;. Mtiry. Henry! iSbtif, Yes, love ! Mr. M. (aside) " Love," too ; a pleasant situation mine. (Imhsoneof the doors.) Cockatrice! wretch! If 1 can tind my way to the door [x to r.,] I'll lock them in uniil 1 have procured witnesses; and then for a divorce. [Eiit, r. Marif. [lc] 1 thought ma>ter was here. Hhuf. [i( c] So he is ; your loid and master. Mary. But liov»r got you heie"! ^hiij. 1 flew heie ; but iir-t my dear little wife, let me give you a kiss as a recompencv; ;or the fine fat fowl I've enjoyed. Muiy. What lowl .' */'«'/. Why the fowl }ou left for me on the table here, which I can assure you was delicious. Mary, Oh! horror! you havn't eaten it? Shnf. All but the bones. Mary. We're ruined and undone! Why that was the cold dinner for mustsr and missus. 22 CHIMNF.V PIECE. SiMif. The devil! ALirif. And listen ! Ilwe is master oomlng-, what shall I do. Shiif. Don't be afraid, like an old witch, I'll be up the chimney in a crack. Mary. I shall faint! aiiuj. That's your affair, I'm off'! [77ie door is heard opening, Mary. [Falls in a chair.] I'm gone ' &hitj. So am I. [Goes up the chimney. Enter IMr. Muddlehraiv, irith a brace of Pi:^lols, R. a>id John Horn, l. with a Blunderbuss and lighted Candle. Mr. M. [h] Now, vile seducer! surrender or we'll shoot you. John H. (t,) This reminds me of old times. Mr. ]\f. Where is he John? John H. I don't see any body. [Goes to the table and lights the other candle. Mr, M. No matter ; — here's the companion of his guilt. (^seeiuj; Mary) Rise, lost, abandoned womau, and leave my house. Mary, (c) Abandoned! [Siarls up. Mr. M. and John H. Mary! Mary. Yes. and I'll have you to know, I'm no more aban- doned than my betters. This is my husband. (/o<)/ai «ryi//iW) Gone! Mr. M. Who's your husband? Mary I didn't say husband. Mr. M. If not; who was it f saw eating my dinner? Mary. I — as nobody seemed inclined to eat it, 1 thought I might. Mr, M. Well, if it were you, you must be very quick at your toilet ; for just now I'm certain you had oq a pair of breeches and jockey boots. Mary. 1! You know, sir, that as you say, rwthlng ifs really in this world as ii seems to be, I dare say I did appear 10 you in jockey boots ; but it was merely an hoptical illusioa as you philosophers call it. Mr. M. Where then is my wife? Mary. Sir? John H. Can you understand a simple question? — Where i« this gentleman's wife? [Retires towards window. Mary. Mis wife! She's dressing. CHIMNEY PIECE. 23 Mr, M. Dressing — is she! John //. Then she's dressing in the street ; for by the gas- light yonder, i see her at this moment getting out of a hack- Dev coach. 'Mr. M. By herself? John H. i\o ; by the pump, Mary- May 1 go, sir ? Mr. Af. Yes; to your own room, sphynx, (tnkrs out hey and opens door) but do not dare to breathe until 1 call you, or you shall die ; Mary. I shall die if I don't breathe ! Indeed, sir j I Mr. M. In directly ; or Mary, Oh dear ! What can all this mean? [MuDDLEBRAiN ptDihes her into a room, and locks the door, Mr. M. We have one of the accomplices safe ; nowjfor the principals. Where can the vile seducer be ? lias he vanished in smoke? John H. Hush, master! I hear missus coming. Mr, M. Then you descend by the little staircase ; call in ,all my neighbors — every body you see in the street, I wish all London to behold my wrong ! 'lo witness my great revenge! IVly triumph! Quick, away. John W. I fly. [E.dt, r. Mr. M. Now where to hide myself, that I may surprise them. I have it : in the nook of this chimney. Here can I •watch the crocodile. Hush! [Conceals himstlf. Enter Lucretia, cautiously, Lucretia. Nobody here! How fortunate I should find my spouse out. Mr. M. Ditto. lAicrelia. Now then to summon my dear Frederick. Mr. M, Just now it was Henry. Lucretia, What a pity it is my husband is so prejudiced ; I should like to tell him all about it. Mr. M. The devil you would ! Lucretia. For if we could all three live together ; it would be so pleasant. Mr. M. Damn'd pleasant ! I can't stand this. Lucretia. Perhaps my husband will be more reconciled in time, and then — Mr. M. (^Groans.) 24 CHIMNEY PIECE, Lucretia, What was that? Was it Frederick? Quick, the signal, (blie slups her hand rather softly, and tutens.) JNoieply; he could not have heard me, Mr.M . But he shall hear me. (Gives tuo loud slaps uith hi'' hands, when the cliiimnev instantly tarns round, camming with it Mr. M., and bringing Frederick into view.) Abduction! Lvbretia. What was that? I shall swoon. Fred. [Running to her.] Do not fear, dear sister. Lnc,etia. But 1 hear some one calling. Fred. J)oubtless; when the chimney was opened, you must have heard the officers trying to break open the door of my apartment. Lncretia. Officers! have they then discovered your retreat? Fred, i hey have; but I'll give them leave to arrest any body they may find in my room. But what news, sister? lAuretia. \Vhy you must know, I went to my old friend. Lady Manville, when, what was my surprise? — Mr. M. [withont.'] Reparation! Reparation! What repa- tlon can 1 have? Answer me that. I.vcretin. Ye powers, my husband! ^Fred. AgainI I've not time for the chimney. [.^ilips under the table. Enter MuDDLKBRAiN in great disorder; Three Officers following. Lucretia. What does all this mean? fllr. M. What does it mean ! who can tell what it means ? Here was I, one montent in this room; and in another, by the force of magic, or old Nick, I've been rammed throu^ii a stone wall, into the iron clutches of these civil officers, as they are cal led, Fater John Horx, r. John H. They're behiw sir ; I've brought all I could find, to witness your triumph. Mr. M. A pretty triumph, (to the Officer.) Now, sir, of what am I accused ? Ofi. Of killing a young man in a duel. Mr. M. I fight a duel! Off}. Yes ; they tell me it was a most bloody contest, and but for your wonderful bravery Lueretia. Indeed, sir, he is not capable of such a tiling. CHIMNEY I'lECE. 25 John H. No indeed lie's not, sir. Mr. M. Js'o sir. I'm incapable of any thing ; I'm a gentle- man, sir. 'i his is my house, OJji. Then why did we find you in the next one? How got you there? Mr. M. Through the wall. Offi. Ridiculous! Your name is Frederick Melville; we know you. Mr. M. No, sir. My name, I'm not ashamed of it, is Muddlebrain — Joseph Muddltbrain. (){fi. The devil it is! Then if you are a quiet gentleman, why do we find you armed with these crackers? [Tahivg jnslols from tubh. Mr. M. Because T have been watching and searching ibr a Jover my wife has hid scmewheie. All. A lover! J.ucretia. Mr. Muddlebrain, do ynudare to Mr. M. Yes, ma'am ; 1 lieie urimask you to the world. Lncrelia. Listen to me, sir. hJr. M. Til hear nolliing ! [To the Offfci n] I was stand- ing just here, [goes to eliinnitti] upon the watch, when all at once 6iivf [In the chimney] I'm down by jingo. [Tkovv three bricks fall down vpiii Mr. I\i., who runs foruard Mr. M. Murder! [Shuffi f's /f'o-.s nee diuiginig down fi^r a minute; and all are astonished.] 'J hat's he! I know hini!by his boots. That's her paramour. He first broke my peace, and has now broken my head. Seize him! [■Se?t;a«fs seize Shi'fflf, and bring him fvrivard. f)hvf. Pardon, gentleman, I'm no paramour, but an honest young man. Offi. How came you in that chimney 1 ahuf. Why, as 1 was going along, 1 heard the cry of fire ; so thinking it was in the chimney— 1 — 1— I — fell down it; and here 1 am. Mr. M. So villain, you were walking along the street, and fell down a chimney. A pretty story, indeed. Mary. [Heard knocking from within] Let me cut, let me outf [John H. unlocks the door, Mary enters. Offi. [To his men] March him off. Mary, [orging.] Oh ma'am! oh master! Pray pardon! Do, good Mr. Officer! he only came to see me; he's an honest young man and my husband. 26 CniMNKY PIECE, All. Your husband! Mr. M. What flo I hear"? say it once more. Marjj. He's my husband. Mj-. M. Come to my arms, you little darling, (embraces her) Oh! ray good friends! oh! my dear little wife! and you, John Horn, I don't mind your name now, bear witness, that I'm the happiest man, — that is, married man in the world, John H. {^whn has been bnk'uiir ot the table.) Not yet, sir. Mr. M. What do you mean, Horn 1 John H. (As'ule to ?tIuDDi.EBiiAiN, andjwintingat thetahli.) Here's another, 1 see his leys. Mr JM. Nonsense ; they are the legs of the table. John II, If they are, tliey wear boots. (At this moment, iMauy and Shtffle, uhn have bee>i tak'ui^' aivay the diniier things^ also take aauy the clotJt, and discover Fred£«i(.k sitting under the table.) Fred, (laughins;) Don't be afraid! 'tis only I. All. A young man ! Lncretia. Brother ! Mr.M. Frederick Melville' Ojfi. The very man we are to arrest. Lucrctia. This paper will satisfy you that he is at liberty, "[Gives paper to Officek, who goes ojf with hii Jollowers. Fred. Is it possible! Mr. M. John Horn! John Horn! You've made me an ass. (To his Wije.) Most celestial of terrestial beings, can you forgi ve me '? Lucretia. On one condition. Mr. M. Name it. Lucretia. That Frederick marry your niece Ellen. Mr. M. Well, as he deserves to be punished in some way, perhaps that will be as good a method as any, — Eh! John Horn ? John H. Can'tbebetter— I've been married. Mr.M. And you've been an old fool, I hope you'll allow that. John H. I don't know, (confidentially.) There may be a third lover somewhere, as there was in the time of the late Mrs. Horn. Mr. M. Poh! Let there be, I fear him not. (Taking Lucre- tia's hand.) And I hope the structure of our chimney piece, supported by Mr. and Mrs. Muddlebrain, with a little Cupid 8t top, will be considered both useful (^Pointing to Lucretia) diRd ornamcDtal. THE END. TUMNSR