PS 3505 .U335 J7 1919 Copy 1 -tJOHNNIE'S WAR DIARY THE ADVENTURES OF A CAVALRY TROOPER FRANKLIN CUMMINGS ^:^ /F' c.rmss "And then I hopped on my big toe. Just to show how fast I cud go." JOHNNIE'S WAR DIARY Being the Adventures of a Cavalry Trooper BY Franklin Cummings Illustrated by CHARLES MILES. m Berkeley, California, Lederer, Street and Zeus Co.. 1919 "Johnnie's" letters have brought real amusement and pleasure to the readers of the Daily Californian for many months. The campus looked forward each day to finding another letter setting down in Johnnie's way some new experience, fancied or real. Johnnie has often paraded the traditions and daily life of the University before us in such a way as to amuse us and at the same time set us thinking about their proper relation to university life. Johnnie has amused, ridi- culed, scolded, praised and sometimes condemned episodes in the ordinary life of the student body. He has been good for us and for the University. It is well that the best of his letters are to be collected and put into readable and permanent form. Johnnie has made a place for himself in the great body of University tradition and history. He has added a measure of joy and instruction. K. C. Leebrick. Foreword N CREATING the character of Johnnie, my aim has been primarily to amuse. All popular ideas to the contrary, there is no group of individuals anywhere in our national life quite so prone to a healthy sense of humor as an undergraduate body of college students. It was with the view of satisfying to some small extent this irre- sistible desire to laugh shared by my college fellows of all classes that I have created a naive and unsophisticated Johnnie and made him perform during a period of two years for the college audience of my own University. Johnnie is an anomaly, an oddity, who has at all times the saving grace of an enlarged sense of humor. The expe- riences he relates are pretty generally and faithfully taken from the author's own experiences. There is little con- tinuity of plot or action. The spelling is consciously exaggerated, and may be taken to imply a travesty on the woeful state of our own spelling here in college. The letters have been hurriedly written and without regard to any poetical form or metre other than the doggerel rhyme scheme followed throughout. In sending the little volume to the press, I wish to make grateful acknowledgement to Dr. K. C. Leebrick of the History department for his warm encouragement and good counsel, to Charles Miles of the class of 1919, who has contributed his time and talent to the illustrating of Johnnie's experiences, to "Gus" Gustafson of the L., S. & Z. staff, who has always been ready with his store of experience to help in planning the makeup, to Paul L. Pioda, who has deprived himself of his typewriter that Johnnie might grow, and to my old friend and classmate, "Poko" Harter, who has always lent a patient ear to each new story, and whose rare good judgment and frank reactions have proven an indispensable criterion. F. C. Berkeley, April 17, 1919. Table of Contents johnnie's war diary Johnnie Enlists - - - 11 Pneumonia Point -------- 13 In Quarantine --------- 15 Tucker Gets a Bath - 17 The Pipes of Pan - 19 Johnnie's First Ride - 21 An Encounter With the Colonel - - - - 25 The Dreaded Sofa ------- 27 Johnnie Stands at Attention - - - - - 32 Bound For Arkansaw ------- 34 JOHNNIE'S LETTERS HOME The Floo Mask -------- 39 Jinrickshaws 41 Suspenders and Tea Fights 43 Pride Goeth Before a Fall ----- 45 The Bathing Girls - 48 Aunt Jane ---50 The Milky Way 52 At Idora Park - - - - - - - - 55 The Belgian Baby Ball ------ 57 The Prytanean Fete - 59 Bolshevism ---------6i Johnnie Enlists May 27 Dere dierry, I'm a Raw Rekroot, Reddy to fite the Germun broot. To-day at the rekrooting stashun I sined up for to serve the nashun. Pattritizm fired my soul, When I did reech this yerned for goal. For six weeks two raw eggs I'd et Eech meel in hoaps that I wud get Reel fat in order to inlist And Unkle Sammy's boyze assist. Raw eggs are very nawziating And set the stommick palpitating. I took them f urst one Sunday nite And failed to stir the yellow and white To-gether, so they wudn't slide Reel eezy on their downward glide, But stuck within my throat. The yoke Did make me snort and girgle and choke Until I had to outdores fly And bid those eggs a fond good- bye. They fell and struck the ground reel fast But missed a lady's hat going past. Sence then I've took my eggs beet up With Sherry wine in my Shaving cup. But still I never gayned no wate And thot I wudn't hezzitate No more, so to-day I appered At the Rekrooting office, afeard Only that beeing as I waz thin Mite mabbe delay my getting in, Or beeing as I'm so awful small, They mite not let me in a-tall. But I thot perhaps the Kalverry Wud be a sootable branch for me. So I up and shook the Sargent's fist And sed, "I gess I wanta inlist." He took my name and all the datta Of my berth and what had bin the matter With paw's great grandma when she died And I sed I thot twuz sooicide, And what maw's name was 'fore she married, And whether paw insurants carried, And so on, then I took a shower, And cum forth, a sweet smelling flower. A kore of doctors viewed me, wateing. My neckked thinness kontemplating. One of them thumped my ribs and sed, "S'matter, kid, are you underfed?", And he made me mutter "Ninety- nine", Az his hand run jagged down my spine. The next one, with a eer trumpet, Lissened at my hart and thumped it. The cold steel next my beeting skin Waz like the jab of a safety pin. My goose flesh roze twice normal size. And that doktor seemed to be all ize. He sez, "Left Pulmennerry nerviss," 12 Johnnie's War Diary And pushed me off. Twuz speedey serviss. The next one jammed me in the jaw, (Which reminded me of deer old paw). "Open your mouth, stick out your tungue," These words to me he harshlj'^ flung. In my throat a spoon he poked about. And sed, "Those tonsells must cum out." I thot as how I'd done no wrong, And then he sent me flying along To a fat man, who did clasp my arm With sum skweezers, and with grate alarm I saw the flesh bulge out and kwiver. Which made me week down in my liver. Next they made me bend way over. Like playing Leep Frog in the clover, I hoaped the fat dock wudn't fall On me, but twuzn't that at all. Insted he made me close my eers, Then whisperred faint, "How many beers?" At leest twuz this in my beleef, But they laffed and sed that I waz deef. Next they brot me a bag of wool, Which waz with kolored yarnings full. I picked up one I thot wuz red But twuz vermullin, so they sed. And then I hopped on my big toe, Just to show how fast I cud go. I hopped to the wall and then hopped back And I thot my toe wud surely crack. I waz a reel esthettick site Like Afroditee, Kween of Nite. And then they wayed me. I surmize I'd lost ten pounds frum that exercize. But they all confurred and all agreed That I cud ride a broke down steed. And so, before they changed their mind, I grabbed what cloathes as I cud find. And hollered, after I made my vow, "Hooray, I'm in the armee now." So long, dere dierry, I will write In you agen sum other nite. Johnnie's War Diary Pneumonia Point May 31 Dere dierry, I'm in kakky now, And have took my final oath and vow. On Wensday we cum on a bote To Angle-Hand. Feer and hope Waz mingled in our beeting blud, As we herd the steemer's enjuns' thud. A multitood waz on the decks, And all waz of the maskilline sex. V\'e waz herded on this bote like kattle And we felt the thrill of going to battle. But when Angle-Hand hove in view, A homesick feeUng in me grew. Thouzands waz there, all Raw Rekroots, Most of them in civillian soots. We waz drove to the Receeving stashun To tell our age and last vocashun, Then we waz drove to the big Mess Hall, Where a meel waz swallowed down by all. And then they made us take a shower. And stand in the cold wind haff a hour. I shiverred and shook in ev'ry joint, When the Sargent sez, "Pnoomonia Point." On we waz drove a mile or two, Twaz cold, no vegettashun grew. But suddinly at the foot of a hill, A lot of tents did rize and fill The landscape. "Ah", to myself I sed, "Perhaps they'll let us go to bed." But first they parselled the blankets out, Which took two hours. We stood about, Chattering our teeth, huddled to- gether, Beeing az it waz such freezing wether. And then we skrambled for thoze tents. The flock of skramblers waz so dense, I got the last tent down the hill. Where the oshun did its wavelets spill. Five of us enterred this flapping place, And a hideous grin cum on eech face When we saw grate piles of grit and dust On our bed tiks. O I almost cussed ! And then an unkind sargent hollered, "Get fresh straw for your tiks," I follered The crowd. We climed a grate long hill. And with wet straw did our bed tiks fill. Fin'lly we got back to the tent. Having two hours and a kwarter spent In feeding bed tiks. O I aked! And my body waz with sand doons caked. Which filled my eers, my throat, my noze, And sifted way down to my toes. 14 Johnnie's War Diary At last I enterred my bed of down With my cloathes on, for my new nite gown Waz lost in a sand doon. Down I laid And nachur's call to rest obeyed. But alas! the noizes of the nite Waz manj'^, slumber took her flite, And I laid in the dark a-shivering, Bloody othes in my tik delivering. The wind cum howling under my tent, It waz a fearful nite I spent. The tent did creek and groan and rock Till I thot the wind wud shurely knock It over. There I grimly lay, Too skeart to move, too skeart to pray. In the next bed tik, sumbody snored, Far and nere the rumblings roared. Sweet sleep left me and ne'er returned. Only a madness in me burned. At half past four, when all waz still, A bugle blew from off the hill. I got up, stiff in ev'ry joint, Frum having bin on Pnoomonia Point. To-day they giv us our ekwipment Out of a seckund handed shipment. My blowze waz bilt for Prezident Tafft, Even the Q. M. Sargent laffed. Altho' my waste is twenty-aite, An undiskrimminating fate Handed me pants size forty-four. They sed they hadn't enny more. Also my leggins and my shoes Iz enuff to give a feller the blues. Next time I write, I'll be more cheery. At present I am awful weery. Johnnie's War Diary In Quarantine June 10. Dere dierry, we cum last Saterrday To our army post in Monteray. I'm getting used to looking so big In this everlasting army rig. But my hat high on my hed doze set Like a bunyon, sense I got it wet. Tiz that which fusses me the most, And makes me look like Hamlet's ghoast. I've developped a good appytite, And I alius look a ravennus site, Seeing az my army blowze hangs loose. And gapping like a kalaboose. They've put us here in kwaranteen Out in sum tents, where kwite unseen. We're lerning how to do Rite Face, And turn within a narrow space. At midnite, sleeping hevvily. The bugle blows for Revilly, And we haff to run out in the frost, And they call the roll to see who's lost, And eech fellow doze his elbow jut Into the next guy's empty gut. When this iz done it iz a sine That there iz a horrizontel line. Revilly throo', we grab our mess- kits For our otemeel and our soggy biskits. They slam it on the plate to-gether, And it tastes just like dilooted lether. Altho' the taste of it iz pore, I gobbel it up and go for more. After brekfust, two hours iz spent In "poleecing up" around the tent. To "poleece up" means to walk bent over, Like hunting for a fore-leef klover. And pick up all the cigerret buts, Lying within the grooves and ruts. To-day the Sargent blew his whissel, Which pricks just like a thorny thissel, And, when we'd poked eech others' guts. He hollers loud : "Which of you muts Haz bin to kollidge? Anser kwick!" With feverish joy I most grew sick. Eeger to show my higher knollidge, I up and piped, "I've bin to kollidge." The Sargent sneered, "You are the man. Go and empty the garbidge can." However I beet the rest at drill, And think I cud a Germun kill. My tentmates are a splendid groop, Well fitted for a Kalvery troop. Bill 'Ammon waz a chariott racer In Wringling's. He can ride a pacer Of enny kind. Then there's Sour Sam, Who says that he don't giv' a damm For enny boss or man or gun. For he punched cows at Bloody Run. And there's Jim Mahooney tended bar In Okeland at a place not far 16 Johnnie's War Diary From where we useter go to kollidge, For the Germuns we will trubble Of hiz cokktails I hav' had sum brew. knoUidge. Goodby, dere dierry, tatoo's blown, We are a hardy, sturdy krew, And I must lie me down and moan. Johnnie's War Diary 17 Tucker Gets a Bath June 12. Dere dierry, I've bin vaxxinated, My arm is shure illuminated, Its purpel and its swole and sore, And they're going to do it two times more. O the suffring I've underwent! O the painful hours I've spent! All bekawze of that prikkly scratch. At the time I reely didn't attach Much importance to that needle's bite, But now as I look at what a site My arm iz, az I feel the throbbing, Az I watch my mussels kwivvering, bobbing In anguish, I feel full convickshun That small things can cawze lots of frickshun. That needle haz a fever started. Also my brekfust haz departed. My throat iz sore, my feet have chills, And rumblings my inteerior fills. I'm writing this with my left hand. That's why my letters drunken stand. Now I must tell (and I aint joshing) How Tucker got a sure-enuff wash- ing. Tucker's the laziest hound on erth. And he's ornery and he izn't worth The beens he eats. (Lord! he can stuff, Fore helpings and that aint enuff). Pore Tucker hails from Arkinnsaw, Where they drafted him to go to wah. This kweer bird iz seven feet tall, But he'z teerful like he's going to bawl. And his mouth hangs open like a kazm, He's a ignerrent hunk of proto- plazm. He aint got a thimbelful of branes. And he's alius groanin' 'bout his pains. When they pick him for a work detail, He'z alius there with his rhoomatiz wail. But the wurst thing 'bout this hayseed roob Iz that the everlasting boob Don't harken to the water's call. So when he into bed doze krawl At nite the oder iz so awful. We decided az it wazn't lawful For us to suffer while he snored. So we appointed a judgment board. At furst we waz patient, verry nice. We went to Tucker and warned him twice To rinse himself in soap and water Just like a human beeing otter. But he plumb forgot our good advice. And so he had to pay the price. We waked him frum a gurgling slumber, And moved him like a piece of lumber Out to the shower room in the nite. The Sargent sed it waz all rite. 18 Johnnie's War Diary Pore Tucker knew he had met his doom When we pushed him in the shower room. He howled and kicked and yelled in frite, But we waz firm and held on tite. And there in spite of Tucker's wrath, We giv' him a honest-to-goodness bath. We stuck him in that icey shower, And held him in it over a hour. Pore Tucker gasped and lost his breth. And thot he'd met hiz certain deth. We brot him to with a skrubbing brush And made hiz tuff hide bloom and blush. When we got throo' he smelled reel sweet, He wud hav pleezed the most eleet. But hiz skin, tho pink, iz raw and tender Frum the bathing that we had to render. Goodby, my hand doze kramp me so, I just can't move it to and fro. Johnnie's War Diary 19 The Pipes of Pan June 18. Dere dierry, the Y. M. C. A. Arranged to hav a littel play Last nite inside the army chappel, Also they give us eech a appel At the doreway. Twaz a reel nice show, And put us all in a frendly glow. Furst sumbody renderred a hymm, Which made my eyes with teers to swim. And then my hairs on end did raze As "China and its Waterwayze" Was thrown before us on the skreen, The thrillingest pitcher I hav seen. And then sum guy in a skweeky voice Spoke on "Christiannity's Choice". He raved and ranted and told as how We must keep clean to win this row. I thot az how we had done our bit In skrubbing Tucker to make him fit. And then a fat lady cum and sung, Our harts in sympethy waz wrung. "O tell my daddy, wont he plese take care, For his baby prays at twilight For her daddy over there." When she got throo we klapped so loud, Agen she cum before the krowd, And rendered "Sweet Little Buttercup", Our soals the sweet sounds gobbled up. And tho' the applawze did most die down, Six more she sung in her evening gown, A look of eckstacy on her face, Her arms stretched outward in embrace. And then the biggest akt of enny Waz pulled to thrill the soals of many. They called this skit, "The Pipes of Pan," And when the curtin roze, to a man We gasped and bulged our eyes to see This tale of woodland eckstacy. "Pan" waz a lady six feet tall Who waz hopping to the wood- land's call. Her skinny limms waz clad in tites Az she hopped among the elves and sprites. The tites waz pink and Pan did run Madly around the wood in her fun. In her hands she clasped a hot water bottle Held to her mouth as if to throttle Its music, and her fingers played In harmony as her body swayed. She hopped, she leeped, she jumped, she ran, And we waz brethless to a man. Her body wud bow down to the ground. And then she'd mount by a leep and bound Up to where the dogberries hung, And the hot water bottle sizzled and sung. 20 Johnnie's War Diary Eech limm' did kwivver as she roze, Showing the kontours of her hoze, But once as at the trees she did rush An auddible rip did bring a hush. And then another object ran, // was the left tite of poor Pan. It ran from her hip down to her toe, Then up the hill agen did go. It ran until the men burst out In cheering and a thunderous shout. And Pan waz so tremendus pleezed That her art had thus the awedience seezed, She cum back and she danced agen. Which cawzed a uproar among the men. We went home laffing at pore Pan, Thinking of how her stocking ran. Goodby, dere dierry, I must go, I think I hear the mess call blow. Johnnie's War Diary 21 Johnnie's First Ride June 24. Dere dierry, let fuchur ages reed Of how I rode a prancing steed. This morning the Captain did decide "You men must go for a hoss- back ride." My teeth did rattle at this news, My soal waz dampened by the blues, My hart waz still and filled with gloom, Az I thot of my impending doom. I waz so week I waz hardly abel To clime that long hill to the stabel. But up we dragged with silent tred, Up to the stabel, sickened with dred. I glimpsed those bosses with bated breth, Beeing az I waz skeart to deth. The Sargent, seein' me standing about. Razed his voice in a terribul shout, "You dammed numskullion, get you a boss," I thot he needn't hav bin so cross. Dutifully I went to obtain A boss what had a yellow mane, Which boss did eye me kwizzickley, Whereby I weekened fizzickely. I gingerly stepped to reech its bed And in a gentle whisper sed, "Nice hossie, pleze don't be afraid," And then on its back the saddle laid. But the boss kicked up a wicked heel. Whereby my blud did most congeel, And shook the saddle offen hiz hide And walked away. The Sargent's stride Cum lumbering tord me. I did shrink, "You rookies wud drive the Lord to drink," He thundered, and then he loudly swore, "You had that saddle on hind part fore." I didn't defend myself, but grinned Reel sheepish that I thus had sinned. The Sargent, who's reely kind at hart, Fixed the boss and giv me a start. My foot in the sterrups, I jumped with eeze Into the saddle, my reins did seeze. I waz so excited I hollered "Whoa", Tho the Captin had giv the word to go. But the Sargent sed, "Giddap, giddap !" And giv my charger a awful slap On the South end of his torso, where The tail frisks blithely in the air. And then we waz off in a cloud of dust, I thot, "O God, in you I trust!" I clutched the reins with a frenzied smile, My body thrown skyward all the while, My boss waz frisky and liked to go, Twaz all rite, but it josselled so. I lost my faith in bit and rein And hung on tite to the yellow mane. Over the hills and pinewood trails, 22 Johnnie's War Diary Nachur waz bursting. But bewty fails In a moment of such dire distress To stir my soal to its loveliness. Once my charger pricked up his eers, I sed, "Pleeze, hoss, don't hav no feers." And I gently stroked his eers and neck, But his tossing hed sum foam did fleck Into my anxious eyes and face, And then we started forth on a race. My hart froze up, to the mane I hung, Az over the mountain trails we flung, Hoss and rider in maddened flite, We soon left the others out of site. We jumped the ravines, tore throo' the trees, Snorting out flame az we cut the breeze. I roze like the billow of a wave, And hoped that the Lord my soal wud save. Sumtimes the saddle and me wud meet. But offenest I waz up six feet In the sky, clutching that bosses hair. And jabbering at a feebul prayer. But even when praying I felt the pain Of having to hit the saddel again, And I wished that it had cum to mind To tie a pillow on behind. Fin'lly we reeched a big, round ring, 'Twas the Bull Pen, which did horror bring. My hoss from habit made for a hurdle. And my blud begun to churn and curdel. I knew my doom had cum at last, But still I prayed and held on fast. My hoss made a run and roze on high And tossed me off into the sky. Nine days like Lucifer I fell Before I reeched the Port of Hell. Later my lifeless carkass they found In a krumpled heep upon the ground. But I'm revived now, sitting on pillows, Thinking of how I roze on billows. Az a Kalverry trooper, I'm the bunk, But the Captin sed I showed sum spunk. He also added with a snicker, "For a small guy, you can bounce lots kwicker Than a can of Baked Bcens on the fire. Furthermore you bounce lots higher Than a geyzer in its dullest ackshun," And so I am a grate attrackshun In the Orderly Room. But still my hide Iz a blistered mass from that hoss back ride. I gess I'm laid up for a week. But will no more of my trubbels speek. Goodby, until my sore spots heel, I'll write agen when I normel feel. 7 wisht that it had cum to mind To tie a pillow on behind." Johnnie's War Diary 25 An Encounter With the Colonel June 27. Dere dierry, I am feeling better. This morning I receeved a swetter From one of the nineteen I adore, It sed "To My Hero." Nothing more This packedge's woolley folds did fill, Altho' I looked for a dollar bill Tucked away in a nook sumwhere To surprize me, taken unaware. Also she dozen't seem to rekall My phyzziogmany at all, Or else she thot I'd grown much fatter. At enny rate it dozen't matter. Altho the swetter dozen't fit. Still I shall keep it, sense twaz gnit By her. Besides at nite I can spred It like a blanket on my bed. The Captin took a shine to me, Sence my horseback riding he did see, And so the Troop Clerk's job desended On me and all my trubbels ended. They made me a Sargent yesterday, Eight dollars more I'll get for my pay. The Captin also made me the boss Of a nice and gentle lady-hoss Named Delpheen cause its mane iz red, All my f eers and trubbels haz fled. But still, altho I rank so high. One of the Kernels riding by Did stop and in an angry burst Told me I must salute him furst. I havn't had time to verify His statement, but I wonder why Tucker, who carries the bags of mail. Only a ornery Private, did fail To salute me az I husselled by, I gess I'll lern the reezon why. Dissiplin iz a splendid way To make these Privates lern to obey. This morning / went for the mail. Seeing as Tucker did weep and wail Bekawze his littel finger hurt. And so I anserred up reel curt, "You big slob, take another bath," And then I walked off, white with wrath. A purty gurl handels the mail, And so I lingerred to tell the tale Of how my Sargent's stripes I'd won. And how I didn't salute no one, Not even the Kernel, 'less I wanted. And as to her these tales I flaunted. She sed, "There cums the Kernel now," My couradge seemed to leeve sumhow. I grabbed the letters and left in haste, Thinking as how no time I'd waste, For enny spot becums infernal As soon as there arrives a Kernel. 26 Johnnie's War Diary But out in front where all mite see This Kernel run rite into me. When I waz waving to that dame, The impact of our bodies came. The Kernel drew up to his hite, He was a stern and outraged site. We stood there in two feet of space And eyed eech other face to face. And then, tho my anger burned like fire, I thot az how this man ranked higher, And hassened to salute him furst. And the string what held the letters burst. They fell and scattered ev'rywhere, The Kernel moved on with pashunt air, And I stooped down and tore my britches. Picking up mail from gutter and ditches. And not far away that dame did giggle, Sum day I'll make that Kernel riggle! Dere dierry, this subjick pains me so. No longer can I make words to flow. Johnnie's War Diary 27 The Dreaded Sofa July 9. Dere dierry, a lady what lives in town Invited sum Troopers to cum down To a party which she giv last nite. Her parler waz a brilliant site. All of the belles in town waz there, And sum what had no bewty to spare. There waz three more homely than the rest, One of the three beeing flat of chest, Another looking like a balloon, A third whozc hair had left too soon. They made for the sofy rite away, And there they sat till the brake of day, Wateing, wateing in dredful suspense, Wateing with bodies uprite and tense, Hoping 'gainst hope that by sum chance Somewun wud cum and ask them to dance, Hoping, groping, staring, saying Things beneeth their breth and praying That God wud send sum man at last. Thus the endless hours passed. They sat there, graven images. Stone Had petrified them bone by bone. They sat like sentinels of the nite To gard that sofy with their mite. They sat and never spoke a word, And yet their inmost thots we herd. They reminded me of pore Lot's wife, Who turned to salt in the prime of life. Their eyes did, glassy, bulge and bulge. And all of the tragedy did divulge. It stirred my pity, it touched my hart To see nobody taking their part. Their mizerry did move me so, I went to alleviate their woe. To the sofy I did thus advance, Eech looked up with a appeeling glance. I hurredly sed, "Tit, tat, toe. One, two, three, and out you go." The big balloon fell to my lot. Who waz deeply rooted to the spot. But fin'lly I got her frame in ackshun, Her smile showed evvident satis- fackshun. Disappointed, in utter gloom. The others sank back to their doom. My buxsora pardner and I set out Midst many a cheer, many a shout. In billows the lady's arms aroze Like a country pump what har bin froze. We went off in a whirl of skirts, I thot, "Lord, how my left korn hurts !" 28 Johnnie's War Diary Just then the monster stepped on it, I had to clench my teeth and grit To keep back the skorching teers. We dashed Around the room. Peepul waz mashed Into closets and corners ev'ry- where, And I waz in desperret need of air. Buckets of perspiration came, She sed the wether waz to blame. Thus we waddled like senseless fools, Turning 'round like gyratting spools. After a hour the enkores stopped, My animated oktopus flopped Back on the sofy, damp but beeming. And the other two sat sourly skeeming. I, with a sickly kweer smile. Went to rest for a little while. But the jellosee on other faces Brot back my mind from dreemy spaces. And I returned for the Flat One. She Smiled sweetly and with faith at me. She was so stiff from where she'd sat. She only had one move down pat. Twaz a sideward movement and we went Like a comet with its fury spent. It waz a slow, a lingerring glide, And when our steps didn't coin- cide, I stopped and let her take new aim, While she told me of her dansing fame. Whenever a wall did stop us. Then We wud turn and go back home agen. 'Tho twaz a tag dance none cum rushing To steel away this sweet and blushing Spinster. Even a dollar bill Failed to loosen their obstinnet will. I dangled that dollar bill and prayed But none waz by my bribery swayed. Men what exist on a Private's pay Did turn their beds and look away. Fin'lly the muzick pawzed. Before They cud begin another enkore, I sed, "Excuze me, I must go. My lower limms iz aking so." And then I hid for a hour or two, Until my sense of duty grew Again, and then once more returned, And lo ! I with excitement burned. The hairless one dessended the stair With hat on and a going air. I thot twaz safe her joy to enhance. And sed, "I'm sorry we missed our dance." Immediately my mind did wake To the tragedy of my mistake. With one wild move she took her hat And placed it where so long she'd sat, And floated in my arms and trod Where my bursting corns did ake and throb. 7 hurredly sed, 'Tit, tat, toe, One, two, three, and out you go. Johnnie's Letters Home 31 She lumberred in a grim content, And talked a blue streek az if she ment To make up for the silent hours In which she sat on the pillowey bowers. Also with her I isecreem ate, The victim of a onkind fate, And when the morning hours cum, I had to cart all three to hum. Goodby, dere dierry, I can say, I am a wizer yooth to-day. 32 Johnnie's War Diary Johnnie Stands at Attention July 16. Dere dierry, Delpheen's verrynice, So far she's only kicked me twice. Her excentriccities I hav lerned, She's touchy where her feet are concerned. This first I lerned the other day, It cum in a onexpected way. Az I waz kurrying her after a ride, Skraping the mud from offen her hide, I also desided to clean her feet, Which didn't my approval meet. But she wudn't budge her left hind hoof, And I had to offer a reproof. I slapped her with the Kurry kome In a tender spot where the horse- flies rome. And then that left hind hoof did rize. And attained abnormel force and size. Konvulsively it met my face And sent me backward kwite a space. The doktor has had to take a tuck Where Delpheen's hind hoof roze and struck. And on the Sick Book I did go. Which waz to me a awful blow. To-day I waz on my feet agen, And went to the stabels with the men. Delpheen wated in mute appeeling, I went to say I held no hard feeling, But my purpose waz misunder- stood, That same hoof flew az far az it cud, And hit my knee a awful crack, So many stars cum, I lost track. This afternoon my time iz free, Bekawze of this welt upon my knee. And so I'm doing personal things. Which alius satisfaction brings. I washed my soot of underware And my other pare of sox with care. It's getting to be a barracks joke. Whenever my underware I soak, I shiver without enny cover, Az o'er the spigguts I do huvver. And while its hanging up to dry, I haff to go on my bunk and lie Under my swetter for proteckshun. To-day they had a dammed in- speckshun. A fat ole doktor poked in hiz hed, The man in charge of kwarters sed, "Attenshun!" so I had to rize. My form a-shivering before hiz eyes. Ole Stuffums never sed "At Eze," And so I stood with stiffened kneez, And neether did he holler "Rest" Which iz the order I love best. So I stood neckked at attenshun, The doktor evry'where did menshun That the shoos waz turned the opposet way Johnnie's War Diary 33 From what he had ordered yesterday, That the flore waz bad in need of skrubbing. That the dore nobbs still cud stand sum rubbing, All this while out of a window crack A chilly breeze did hit my back. I shivvered, but I stood my post, The doktor beeing still engrossed Telling how the blankets shud fold, While I waz catching my deth of cold, Rubbing hiz finger where rub he must, Then holding it up to view the dust. With a final leckshure he out did flop, Az I waz reeling, reddy to drop. And at the dore with a skeptickle wheeze. He turned and pawzed, then sed, "At Eze." Goodbye, dere dierry, I still can laff, Tho' I rigid stood an hour and a haff, Tho I've got a welt upon my knee, And a stich within my face you see, Tho my underware's not dry enuff. And a terribul cold my hed doze stuff. 34 Johnnie's War Diary Bound for Arkansaw July 20. Dere dierry, I'm abord the train, I'll newer see the Kalverry agen, I'm going to be a doe-boy now And get rite in the thick of the row. I'm bound for Camp Pike, Arkinnsaw, When Tucker herd this he hollered "Law, You'll be rite neer to Pappy's farm," Which filled me with a grate alarm. The reezon for this suddin move Iz that the Captain wants me to prove My rite to wear sum shiney bars Az well as the grim and homely skars What Delpheen giv me. So I'm bound For where the Arkinnsaw River's found. Six the Genrul Order did rule Shud go to the Ossifers' Training Skule. We six are bound on a fast express To the Centrul Infuntry O. T. S. I sent Delpheen my last farewell By proxey, so I'm sound and well. Tucker shed bitter teers when I left, Beeing of hiz cheef tormentor bereft. The Captain giv my hand a skweeze, I shook with emoshun at my kneez. Old Monteray iz of the past, To Arkinnsaw we're flying fast. This sleeper iz a stuffy place, We're living in two feet of space. The six of us only have two seckshuns. We sleep heeped up in all direckshuns. And o its hot! I glissen with swet, My underware is ringing wet. We're crossing Arizony now. It don't appeel to me sumhow. We stopped at a place called Indio, Three peepul liv in its furniss glow. A fat lady cross the ile gasped, "Well, Thoze creetures '11 be prepared for Hell." Pore lady! she suffers frum the heet, Haff of the time she's stuck to her seet. She gasps in fluds of perspirashun, Calling the heroes of the nashun To move her evry hour or two. As we pull we hear the ripping gloo. Pore thing! she haz a upper berth. In which we hoist her up with mirth. It takes all six of us a hour To raze her with our cumbined power. And in the morning she has to dessend, Three of us helping at eech end. A thin old maid iz also along. Who thinks the world is doing her wrong. Last nite she lost her green silk waste, And up and down the ile she's paced, Johnnie's War Diary 35 Looking throo evrybody's clothes, A grate big teerdrop on her noze. And always in her serchin mission, She seems to view me with suspicion, And lingers over my barracks bag, But I haint took her old green rag. Whew! the fat lady's beckoning to me. So I'll cloze this dcre old dierry. And here I'll end my Kalverry story, For I'm on my way to win new glory. HERE BEGIN Johnnie's Letters Home Which tell of things which happened on the campus of the Univer- sity of California "Woof of the Floo is most afeard, And covers his whole face and his beard IVith a Turkish towel " Johnnie's Letters Home 39 The Floo Mask Dere fokes, I'm garding 'genst the Floo, Wich all good paytriotts otta do, Since there be such a eppidummick It makes me sick down in my stummick To think of all what are feeling low With the Floo. O I nawziated grow, And wear my Floo mask on my eer Becauze I am so full of fear. There iz a order that everybody Must wear a Floo mask, and 'tis a study In Humannachur to see the places Where masks are hung on people's faces. Some I have seen upon the nose, Some on the place where whiskers grows, Some on the eers, some on the neck Some on the hairs above, by heck. Four on the place where wimmin smile, Some on their i-brows, onst in a while. One found a place on a wooman's hat, And among the birds and feathers sat. A feemale friend of mine told me As how on Toosday she did see Her prof, use his as a hankercheef And now she says she'd just as lief. And as for the Floo masks shape and size. Some peeple are astonishing wise. The fat wimmin what are short of breth Are taking no chances of their deth From windpipe stoppage so they grin Real sweet with warmers on their chin. One prof, with asma has made slits In his, throo which he breethes and spits. And all the Channing Greekery vamps, Have purchased tiny postage stamps Of Crape-de-sheen, small pinkish dots Which they stick on like bewty spots. Woof of the Floo is most afeard And covers his whole face and his BEARD With a Turkish towel to keep away The germs while he searches all the day For the sixth dimension, and I herd Of another ancient mildood bird What uses a washrag, cool and sweet To his chin what has the prickly heet. Floo Masks have their good points, too. Of which I'll enoomerate a few. They mingle on an equal basis All feemales, no matter what their faces. Vampires and pelicans, all alike, Through the campus byways you must hike. 40 Johnnie's Letters Home And all the fellows' mustaches are hid, (Of this newsance, I am glad we're rid). One prof. I know with a squeeky voice Has a class what wears these masks by choice. Beecause they thus can safely shriek, And laff at each new funny squeek. Also behind them we can gap, And nobody then can care a rap. And if the masks are big enuff, One can chew gum and pinch his snuff And sleep with safety and eat a bit And think a lot of obseen wit. O fokes, this is a funny erth, Into which you have give me birth, We go around like muzzled dogs. And snort and breathe and act like hogs. I look up to Parrydise Where peepul breathe and all iz nice. Goodby, dere family, ev'ry one, 1 am Your Ever Eflfectionate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home 41 Jinrickshaws Dere fokes, Im sorry I forgot To write last nite, but I was not In enny fit condition then To try to juggle with a pen. And so I thot I'd let it go Hoping that you wud never knoe The cirkumstances, but I feel Az now around the room I reel That you shud knoe how I did fall From grace by ansering Browzie's call. On Satterday I to Okeland went And fifty cents on likker spent In "the Forum" (not a magazine, Nor a Greecyan market where men kween) But a simpul restroom with a bar, From which the Play Fiddles keep kwite far. Hither I went with a reg'lar hound, A feller who cud be most drown'd In beer and still walk fast and strate, But such, alas, waz not my fate. We stuck our feet upon the rail And I knew now I cudn't kwail. He sez, "A slow-jinrikkishaw," I sez, "A fast one, pleze" and saw A look of awe kreep over his face, And so I sez "Let's have a race, To see which one can drink the most" Wherefore he sed, "Great Ceezar's goast !" The race begun, I flopped down mine Into my stommick and sed "Fine," Another and my eyes shone briter, A third and now my belt was titer. The fourth spilt partly on the flore. But I sez, "Ozwald, bring on more." And soon my stommick prickkled sum And things within my hed did hum. I felt reel gay and laffed and laffed Az more jinrikkishaws I kwaffed. Fin'lly my frend says "Let's go home, You're getting foolish in your dome." 'Twaz eezier sed than dun be- kawze I'd drunk those fast jin-rikki- shaws. But I on the strete car fin'lly lit. And had a kweer dezire to spit On the lady's shoe rite next to me. And so I did in order to see How kuick it wud evaporate. But she got mad and didn't wate. Going home my hed went round in whirls. My hair waz falling in long curls Around my nees and it did seem, Az if a Orriental dreem Waz waying down my mind. My legs Reminded me of beer kegs And my arms waz waiving up and down 42 Johnnie's Letters Home Throo' the kwiet streets of Berke- ley town. Home I arove and went to bed And placed my washrag on my hed. Todae my hed still akes, and, maw, I dont krave enny jinrickkishaw. Goodby, and say a prayer for me Eech time I go upon a Sprea. Forgive me, family, every wun, I am Your Ever Eflfectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Homi 43 Suspenders and Tea Fights Dere fokes, my hed is popping full Of things to tell you, so the bull I'm going to sling you. 'Twas a weke Which did with dizzy payshun reke. On Friday p. m. first I went To the 'Tater house and there I spent Ten minutes going down the row Where all the young pertaters grow. They beemed on me and I beemed, too, And in my brest a feeling grew Of friendship for each Freshman 'Tater, Eech one of whom I shall kween later. Sum dame brot me sum skwashy kake, I took it for politeness sake. Another dame rushed up behind To skair me, and befuddled my mind So much I dropped my gnawed-at kake On the flore. It spread out like a lake. And so I went to the Skrapper house And entered silent like a mouse. The sisters waz elaborrate dressed, And made a hit on eech new gest, Eech feemale seemed to talk at once, But the men did only issue grunts. And, ill at eeze, each stood around Trying to be a tee-fite hound. The crowds waz thick. I slowly plodded Till I cum to where the Fresh- men nodded. Sum had bewty and sum had wit, But all of them waz fizzickly fit. They nodded me by with utmost haste And life seemed a dim and dreery waste. But a reel nice upperclassman cum And smiled and made me feel to hum. Two cups of coffee was giv to me, I balanced one upon eech knee, And held the ice kreem on eech arm And prayed I wuldn't cum to harm. I waz in peril, I'll admit, Az I on the Scrapper flore did sit. And still the granjur brot a thrill, Az I on the wholesum food did fill. That nite the Devlish Annas danced And I on their institoot advanced, And had a fine time shimmying there, My dame and I waz a skittish pair. 'Twaz only once I thot I'd croak 'Twaz when my durned suspenders broke. It happened rite out on the flore There cum a bust, then nothing more. 44 Johnnie's Letters Home My hart stood still and my pants did sink, My blud froze up and I tried to think Of something to do, but only cold swet My forred and cheeks did cum to wet. When my pants had fin'lly fell two feet, And my B. V. D's. the krowd did greet, I cudn't stand it any more And stumbled wildly 'cross the flore. Sum guys cum with a safety pin And I returned with a sheepish grin. Pleze send me kwick another pair Of suspenders which I need to wear This coming weke. Now I must run. I am Your Ever Eifectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home 45 Pride Goeth Before a Fall Dere fokes, on aite wheels now I run And many a plawdit I have won. I am a graceful earey site Whirling around in the ded of nite. Sadly of Saterrday nite I think, When we stepped out to the skat- ing rink. Ten of us went and only fore Had ever had on skates before. However I thot it 'twud be best To roll forth with a bulging chest, Az if I was a krafty skater, But 'twaz an errer I lerned later. The boy strapped on my skates. I stood Up stiffly like a block of wood. Feeling unsteddy and afeard To move and then sum feemale cheered Derizively. I started in On my mad whirl with a sicken- ing grin. I went forth boldly on my flite Hoping to do well, just from spite. Six strokes I took and all waz well, I'd moved six inches and never fell. And then I moved again, kuite bold. In a long and graceful sweep I rolled, But sumthing happened to the wheels, And even now my blud congeels Az I think of my puzzled, grew- sum dred And the way the flore and me did wed. One feller with a sick necktie Of green did see me going by And laffed and sed with feeble wit That in one count the flore I'd hit. I'd like to have punched him, goodness knows. But pekulyarly I never roze In time, and he on wheels waz gone Like winged Mercury at the dawn. Feeling kwite black and blue I turned And for a resting place I yerned, But peepul blocked my ev'ry way, And yet it waz onsafe to stay. Feebly agen I whirling went Over the miles of rink and spent Fore hours and a half until I came Back to the starting place. My fame Roze high in leeps and bounds. They tell That "forty-three times Johnnie fell." Fin'lly I reeched my friends. My bones Waz broozed and aking. Feerful groans Aroze from ev'ry joint and mussel I'd had a life and deth like tussel. 'My wheels zvent out frum under me: Johnnie's Letters Home 47 When a nice bench did hove in site I tried to end my maddened flite, But the blamed wheels kept agoing. Fear Agen my kwivering spine did speer. I hollered "Look Out, Gangway Pleze," But az this warning I did wheeze, I hit full blast a feemale party, Who when I hit her lap said "Smarty" And pushed me brootally away, And chewed her gum in a bullying way. One of my dames came to my aid. But I soon wished that she had stayed Away, for az she tottered nere, The gink with the green necktie did leer And racing past, he shoved her arm, She reeched for me in great alarm. My wheels went out frum under me, And both of us shincy stars did see. And so we Httered up the flore And we waz tramped on more and more Till fin'lly a clanging bell rung out, And there waz many a cheer and shout, It waz the signal for a race, And we waz still in that feerful place Waiting our deth from flying feet But soon the gards did kussing greet Us and did sweep us off the rink. To-day my helth iz on the blink. I never agen shall wheel on skates, Unless the Lord my reezon takes, Goodby, dere family, pray that I From my bad injerries will not die. Pleze send me kwick a soft silk shirt, So that my broozes will not hurt. God bless you, family, ev'ry one. I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home The Bathing Girls Dere fokes, my mind with madness reels, I push away my hash at meels, I lie awake for owwers at nite, I don't enjoy the passing flite By Wheeler Hall. I'm silent, too, And skinny, like I had the Floo. The reezon that I'm so unwell Iz that I went and saw and fell For the Bathing Feemales at the show, Tiz that which has disturbed me so. These bathing girls cum frum the beech In order that they here mite teech Our kolledge ko-eds what to wear Out in the sun and foam and air. The/ve took the kampus by surprize, And all — both innosent and wize Have gone to see, then gone agen, I'm specking 'spechully of the men. I first did go on Fryday nite, And slinked in filled with timid frite. With two other guys who kraved to see These Bathing Girls at the T and D. The thea>ier waz pitch black. We enterred When all iyes on the stage was centerred. Unforchunetlly the first ten rows Waz filled with eeger kollidge Joes, Who'd erly cum to get down nere (Not to see the pitchurs, I fere), And so we had to sit back far But this, however, didn't mar Our interest in the lovely sites Goin' on behind the brite foot lites. We saw sum seats down a long row And over the knees begun to go. We skweezed and pushed and skwirmed and riggled. Sum kollidge girls observed and giggled, But most of the peepul waz dis- gusted That we into their midst had busted. And made our entrance so bee- lated. And spoiled their view. Hence we waz hated By all whoze kneez waz in our way, 'Twuz many a mean thing they did say. My iyes waz so glood on the stage I tripped akross sum fat "old age," Who groaned and crashed back in her seet And rubbed her aking legs and feet. Fin'lly we reeched what seemed a void. Where no one seemed to be annoyed. So we sunk down in grate releef In the bathing girls to drown our greef. But az I sat in the dark chasm, A lady skreemed and had a spazm Johnnie's Letters Home 49 Beneeth me, for I wrong had sat On a little ole maid who wazn't fat Enuff to hold me, so I left. And beeing of a sitting place be- reft, I kneeled down on the dirty flore, From whence the view waz very pore. But still I got a eye-full and I thot myself in Fairyland. Those bathing bewties danced about (Which brot from the koUidge men a shout) And showed their bathing costumes which Did ofifen need a timely stitch, And the rithum of the human body. Which iz a fascinating study. I watched. My eyes popped out and bulged, Az their charms the bathing soots divulged. I sat until both shows was ended, And then my homeward way I wended. My mind cud hardly think a-tall, 'Twas filled with the bewty of it all. On Saterrday nite again I went, And four enrapshured owwers spent. To-nite 'tiz Visit Number Three That I'm making to the T and D. Bathing Girls, pleze cum to kollidge And add to our esthettic Nolledge, Goodby, dere family, ev'ry one, 1 am Your Every Effechunate Son, JOHNNIE. 50 Johnnie's Letters Home Aunt Jane Dere fokes, I'm pretty neer wore out, Sense I've becum such a gad- about. Last Friday nite twuz cold and wet And in the rain I went to get My dansing pardner whose abode Iz found on a suberban rode In Alameda. There I went By street car and two hours wuz spent In going. O my bones did ake From all the jolts the car did take. When we did reech the end of the line, I took it that it must be the sine For getting off, so in the rain I started forth to find "Aunt Jane," Who is the guardeen of my dame When she's in koUidge. Her other name I didn't know, so I did hope, Az in the darkness I did grope. That I wud find the house all rite Tho I'd forgot the number. Nite Closed in about me, dark and wet, I sed, "I'll think of that number yet." But it complete had left my mind And try as I did, I culdn't find It more. O I did frantick grow, Az throo' the wet paths I did go. And then I remembered she had sed In whispers with a cold in her hed, By telefone, "The house is shingle," With suddint hope my thots did tingle. And as I mused, fond memory brott Another trezure that I sett. She'd sed, "The house next dore is white," My emoshun wuz a piteous site. And so I tried eech shingle home Next to a white one and did rome About for sevrel blocks or miles I gess it wuz. Both frowns and smiles Did meet me at each shingle dore But ignorants and nothing more Did greet my oft repeeted kweery, Which I did utter, week and weery, "Can you pleze tell me if Aunt Jane Doze live here?" I think that they insane Did stamp me. But I persevered As throo' the lanes my legs I steered. There waz one lady, stern and thin, Who peeked throo' a dore. And I did grin. Thinking she must be a old maid, Becawze she looked so thin and staid, I up and sed, "Are you Aunt Jane?" She shuddered and shut me out in in the rain. Another, a fat man once did cum, "The wimmin fokes are not to hum," He sed and softly closed the dore. Johnnie's Letters Home And there wuz rain and nothing more. A bent old woman once appeared Who looked at me as tho' afeard, I sed "Perhaps you're Aunt Jane's maw," She sed "I'm a stranger here;" I saw That she was skeart of me and so Agen in the black nite I did go. Fin'lly at ten o'clock I found Aunt Jane's abode. The bell didn't sound And so I pounded on the dore, At first twuz silence, nothing more. Aunt Jane with nite cap on her hed Announced that all had gone to bed, But still I had her wake her neese, "Such nonsence henceforth you must ceese," She sed. But enny way we went, And then two hours more wuz spent In getting to the danse. And there Familyar notes fell on the air. Az they played, the dansers all arose, Twuz the national anthem which did close The danse. We cawt the last car home. And never again so far I'll rome. Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. 52 Johnnie's Letters Home The Milky Way Dere fokes, my life's a soshial whurl, No time hav I to set and twirl My fingers for theres lots to do If one a dozen girls would woo. Last Friday nite some frends and me Stepped forth to the city for to see ShakeSpeare's genus at its hite, In Omelet — twuz a tragic site. The speeches beeing rather long And nary a dance and nary a song, I sat back with a amuzed air Observin' Human Natchure there. A woman sat in front of us Who made a everlastin' fuss. Eech word she said wud cawse to wiggle Her eerrings, my dame did gigle And me and the others laffed out lowd, Cawsing sum protest from the crowd. In back a man to sleep nere gone Did yawn a most prodidjus yawn. His open mouth showed he wuz old, It beein' mostly gums and gold. To pass the time I looked to see How many balled beds there mite be In seein' distance and I found, Both oval, skware, oblikque and round, A total sum of thirty seven, Which had no hair and then eleven Which had a littel, almost none, Which looked like specks upon the sun. The play wuz grand. My soal wuz sturred, Especially when the deths okkured. The next day beein' awful hot A glass of buttermilk I got In the sandwetch shop where I espide Two laydey friends who beamed with pride When me they saw cavorting in, Perspiring with a plezent grin. They both wuz seeted at a taybel Whitch they had choze 'cawze they wuz able From it to see the passing throng Umhampered az they marched along. And also to resiprocate By showing themselves in a "tay- ta-tate." They beckoned me to cum and set With them. And I beein' overhet Sunk damp and sticky in a chair, And wisht I didn't haff to wear So many clothes. I also prayed That since pore me they had way- layed That they wud get a seperret bill. The food they'd bawt waz enuff to kill A giant. Az I gazed dummfounded I hoped my feres wuz not well grounded. That all those sandewetches and pie And waffels, which did also lie There and the cups of choklitt, too, And the marmelaide and other goo Johnnie's Letters Home 53 Wud be charged up to my slim purse And then another thot still worse Did seeze me. O i£ ^ shud fail To have enuff. 1 turned reel pale And suffered terrible suspense Fondling my dime and thirty cents In my pocket. Then they brought me in My buttermilk. My hed did swim And reel with awful apprehenshun, My nerves waz rawt up to that tenshun Where they run loose, and so unmeaning, My elbow on the taybul leaning, When the wateress suddenly did say "I gess the gentleman will pay?" My heart in icey dred did leep, My elbow took a suddint sweep And sped the buttermilk in the air, Like a cloudburst it did settle where The crisp new sandwetches did lay, And made of them a milky way. In horror I jumped to the flore And doing so overturned some more Which still waz left. I muttered "Hasen! Somebody bring a mop and basin." The wimmin sat there, cold and grim, And watched their waffles splash and swim Until sum buttermilk did trickle Down where their nees was and did tickle Them and spoiled eech Eester dress, "O Lord!" I sed, "What a awful mess." And then I met the laydey's eye Who runs the shop. And I did fly In terror out the nerest dore. Which I'll not darken ennymore. Offen I dreem of her and shake My self to see if I'm awake And even then I think its real, My life iz sure one grand ordeal. Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. 'On the Roily Koster we lost our breth.' Johnnie's Letters Home 55 At I DORA Park Dere fokes, I'm tired of the soshial stuff And ake agen to akt reel tuff, And so last nite a frend and me To Adorer Park excitement lends. What we cud find to stimulate Our joy in living and so in state With two fcemales of soshial caste, Into th' alluring gates we passed. The brite lites and the gambling dens To Adorer Park excitement lends, The girls at first did stout pro- clame That they wuz sorry they had came To risk their lives and lose their curls On all them darksome brethless whirls. One of them sed that sense her birth She never had ariz from earth And wudn't now, so not to teezer, Lest suddint wrath should ominus seezer And bring a Eppileptick fit (Altho' she appeared kwite sound of wit). But the aeroplane (hung to a chain) W^ith dezire to fly did seeze my brain. And so, although myself afeard, I told my dame not to get skeered With me along. So she and I Around in a ring in the air did fly. We went so fast our neeze did shake, I held her tite for safety's sake. The motion made me see- sick ! "O," I prayed, "O, airship, go more slow !" My dame with suddint boldness fired Sed, when we'd stopped, she wuzn't tired. But I crept out and her forsook. And seein' az I had the pocket book She soon cum after, and we went To the merry' go-round. There wuz spent A wild hilarious time a-riding. And off the slippery horses sliding. Our other cupple we found there, O. K. but sumwhat wurse for wear. The horses beeing sorter mild. My dame sed, "Let's do something wild." Taking her at her word we entered "The Whip"; excitement there is centerred With dubble force. The crooked track Sends shivers up the small of your back. My dame clung willing. When I held Her tite she never once rebelled. W^e liked it, so we rode six times. Till I found that I wuz out of dimes. And then we joined the other pair, They having sum money still to spare. On the Roily Koster we lost our breth, 56 Johnnie's Letters Home The dames both gurgled az if Deth Wuz coming. So I held mine tite And spanked her back when she grew white. Altho' enjoyin' the fizzickle thrill Which cum in the sudden drop downs. Still My stummick's scooped out feel- ing grew To such proportions that I knew How it must feel to be in love And so I prayed the Lord abuv Wud keep me from a harsh attack Of lovesickness. When we wuz back Upon the dry ground still once more We sott the crowded dansing flore, Where, chewin* gum and holdin' tite, We wuz as tuff as enny that nite. On sich occashuns such as these A demerkrattick sense doze pleze Me. Bathing in Humanitty Doze help releeve inannity, And so agen we fore shall chase To this tuff but captivating place, Goodby, dere famly, ev'ry one, I am Your Ever Effectshunate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home 57 The Belgian Baby Ball Dere fokes, a feemale I did hawl To hear the Beljun babies bawl. At the 'Tater house my dame was dressing Reel slow, I spoze to keep me gessing, And so I sat and dummly wated Az my new black shoes I kon- templated. An hour and a half and may be more I viewed the dust on the 'Tater's flore, And then I rendered "Three Blind Mice" On the pianny. It did sound so nice And brought such cheer to the house. Five times I rendered each blind mouse. The pianny beeing out of tune, My dame cum rushing down reel soon. To say the housemarm's hed did ake And so I ceesed my big mistake. In a strete car, we io pomp did ride. And both my shoestrings cum untied, Due to our running for the car, And also I obtained a skar From hoisting my dame up the step, Beeing az her skirt waz tite. My pep Did most giv out at this sad junkshun But on we went to the Soshial Funkshun. A multitood was at this dance, Perhaps five hundred pairs of pants Waz present and a thousand wimmin, (One half of which waz used for trimmin The empty walls) and plenty of money Waz razed to buy kows' milk and honey For the Beljun babies. None will starve, Indeed I figger they can karve A turkey on eech holliday For these babies az they cum from play. Their Golden Goose has laid a egg The size of a normel beer kaig. 'Twuz the Dee Gee sisters giv' this ball In ans»r to the Beljuns' call, And I proklame them sure-enuflE ladies For beeing so nice to the Beljun babies. Demokracy waz at the ball. All types one saw around the wall. The pore, the fat, the rich, the thin, All helped out in the drone and din. But all agreed in the shimmy's kraze. And none there did objeckshun raze. 58 Johnnie's Letters Home One kupple, kookoo in their up- stairs Did wall off a corner with sum chairs And jumped like monkeys in this space, A gargoyle grin upon eech face. They twirled and whirled and hopped and bowed To the bewilderment of all the krowd, They jumped and bumped and dipped and skipped, And I laffed until my garter ripped. Then I stood still, a trembling martyr To the whim of that Pareesian Garter. It groaned, it creeked, it palpitated In suspense and agony I waited. But it hung, thank God, by one mere thread Until I safely got to bed. Dere fokes, I'd rather hav' a toomer Than be without a sense of humor. Goodby, my family, ev'ry one, I am Your Ever Effectioonate Son, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home 59 The Prytanean Fete Dere fokes, last nite I skipped around At the Prettyneen Fait and plezure found In all the wild excitement there, In all the gay Boheemian air. Konfetti and the blare of drums, And ballay girls and campus bums, The sound of revelry by nite, The kaffay's brite alluring lite. The bags of candy that I ate. All this made up the Prettyneen fate. I also saw sum cheep side shows, And wimmin tramped upon my toes To make me buy sum seets therein. Even if I'd alreddy bin They made me buy sum more. I spent My own cash and what others lent. I dansed with a little Chinese girl Who waz a Orriental perl, She grabbed her male frends by the kollar And made them each spend half-a- dollar On the "Follies," then she wudn't danse Until they dove down in their pants And brot the remainder of their money For her melting pot, she thot 'twaz funny. All the admiring men waz thrilled, And the Prettyneen's Koffers waz well filled. I marched in the Grand Pro- cesshun, too, With a klassy lady that I knew. She waz dressed up az a cirkus tent, And peepul cheered wherever she went. She wore a flagpole on her hed, Az she marched with a imposing tred. The first prize went to the "Pop- korn Dame" Whoze strings of popcorn won her fame. A fat old farmer cum out sekund He had three teeth and said he reckoned The crops was doing mitey pore. And then he skooted out the dore. I went into the Fashion Show, It cost me twenty cents to go. But it waz surely worth the bill, Those feemales waz dressed fit to kill. I went in a fortune telling booth, Where a Gypsy sed she'd tell the trooth About me, then she kalmly sed, "Sum day, young man, you're going to wed." Then added, (her voice waz hard and dry), "Sum day, young man, you're going to die." This prophecy did stir me so. No longer can I plezure know My soal is wretched, full of gloom, Az I think of my impending doom. 60 Johnnie's Letters Home To die is bad enuff, but oh ! For I am a pore, financial wreck. 'Tis the marrying which doze Chip in sum money, ev'ry one, greeve me so. I am Your Ever Effechtshunate Goodby, dere fokes, pleze send a Son, check, JOHNNIE. Johnnie's Letters Home 61 Bolshevism Dere fokes, the whole world I did see Shimmying ^t the Freshie Glee. Under the purpel forrest's roof, Many a mean and wicked hoof Was shaken, many a eye did close In the thrill of this ungainly poze. When cheek meets cheek, tiz surely time To expose this evil deed in rime, And so I'm going to tell the plot, Of why they shiver in one spot, Of why they rub eech other's nozes Agenst the written law of Moses, Of why they breethe a mutual breth, Which mite result in dizeeze or deth. The whole thing cums from Bol- shevism Which seeks the kriminal baptizm Of all the world, which seeks to win Humanity for blud and sin. And seeks this end in hidden ways. Among which is this shimmy kraze. Leenine and Trotzky did invent This suttel evil. Hours waz spent In perfecting this, their Grand Design Kalkillated to bring in line America to Bolshevism And thus effect a mitey Skizm Betwixt the Allies. And it seems Az if they mite attain their dreems. Unless we start a social war To stop it 'fore it goes too far. When the innosence of youth takes to it, 'Tis time to grab the vinegar kruit And pour some oil upon the flame, Before it eats away our name. This lingering, kwivering, shiv- erring dance Doze feeblemindedness enhance. It stunts the mental growth of youth. And sways them from the paths of trooth. It nullifies and deddens reezon And starts a Bolshevikky treezon 'Gainst social codes and dry con- vention And other things I needn't mention. It makes for luxury's weekening spell, Remember Rome and how it fell ! And at the Freshie Glee they shimmied, There waz none there that waz too timid To slap Convention in the face. And shiver in one inch of space. And at the Pie-Fry house next nite. Another Bolshevikky site Did greet my pained and greeving eyes. Sisters of every shape and size Waz shimmying, their eyes closed tite To avoid the harsh and search- ing lite. Even the Feemale Prezzident Of the Animated Wimmen spent 62 Johnnie's Letters Home Her time in shimmying. O my Lord Let peece and reezon be restored! Keep us from Bolshevism's kurse, Bring on the shimmy's blackened hearse. Goodby, dere family, take to hart The lesson that I here impart, Pleaze don't shimmy in our front- room. Or we'll feel red Bolshevizm's doom. And tell the town foke, ev'ry one, I am Your Ever Effechtshunate Son, JOHNNIE.