AliDS FA Class 3-5;:^ Book >r:o CQEXRIGHT DEPOSm LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS I9I4-I918 A Guide Book for Confirmed Tourists BY W. HOHENZOLLERN HON. COLONEL DEATH'S HEAD HUSSARS AND DOCTOR OF SACRED THEOLOGY (university OF ESSEN) Fourth Anniversary Edition Translated from the original German and adapted for the use of unteutored minds BY SIMEON STRUNSKY /I With map, 6 plans of towns, and numerous moral reflections NEW YORK HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 1918 5* Copyright, 1918, BY Henry Holt and Company JUL 10 1918 ©CU488627 TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE There are two very good reasons why the translator has undertaken the task of intro- ducing Col. Hohenzollern's little volume to the English-speaking public. 1. The author's knowledge of his subject is unrivaled. It is enough to say that he has spent nearly four years traversing the distance from the German frontier to the terminus of the Nach Paris line. He has not only covered the ground minutely but has frequently retraced his steps, though modest- ly refraining from mentioning the fact in his daily communiques. 2. All other guide-books to Paris exhibit a certain sameness, arising from the fact that they are written by tourists who started out for Paris and got there. Col. Hohen- zoUern's book, on the contrary, has all the iii TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE freshness of an unspoiled ideal. It breathes the spirit so admirably conveyed in the fa- miliar Pomeranian proverb, "Not yet but soon." Col. Hohenzollern does not burden the reader with a mass of superfluous detail. Thus, in his account of Paris and its envi- rons, he leaves ever so much to the imagina- tion. To the young and frivolous. Col. Hohen- zollern's tours may seem somewhat leisurely. Let them go their way. The present guide- book is intended for those to whom time and expense are no object. Such travelers will be more than amply repaid for the moderate price of this vol- ume. Under the guidance of Col. Hohen- zollern, who is himself under the special guidance of Gott (so aptly described by Mr. Treitschke as "the Thos. Cook and Son of the Imperial German family"), the tourist may reasonably expect to get to Paris in time for the International Exposition of i975> perhaps. iv AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION BY Col. W. Hohe:nzoi,i,e:rn. The brief notes which have gone to the making of the present volume were not orig- inally intended for the public eye. They were designed, rather, for the use of my successor when he starts out on his own little journey to Paris in 1939, for my grand- son in 1967, for my great-grandson in 1995, etc. So at least Ludendorff argues, but I have misgivings now and then. These impressions were jotted down at odd times and under conditions highly unfavorable to literary composition. My earliest memoranda were scribbled at night among the glowing embers of Louvain. Again, the lamentations of the Belgian women as they faced the firing squads at AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION Dinant will explain certain infelicities of style for which I beg the reader's indulgence. Nevertheless, as the work grew under my hands, I became convinced that there was a wider audience to which I might address my- self. There will always be a few small por- tions of the earth outside of the German Empire. In such regions little imperialisms are bound to arise. Sooner or later they will experience an irresistible desire to go tour- ing in their neighbor's territory. As in my own case, the passion for foreign travel will be intensified by the desire to escape from domestic worries — socialists, ballot reforms, tax-riots, maximilianhardens, und so weiter. Within its modest limits, the present vol- ume aims to cover the entire subject of a foreign tour undertaken for self-defense, for Gott, and for new coal fields. It offers a comprehensive account of all the problems that are likely to arise, from the publica- tion of the first edition of the White Book to the signing of a strong peace. vi AUTHOR^S INTRODUCTION Inasmuch as the matters dealt with are constantly undergoing alteration, the author would highly appreciate any corrections or additions with which travelers may favor him. For instance, at the moment of writ- ing, he would welcome any information as to what has become of the drive for Ypres, and where in the dickens that Amiens army of mine will spend the winter. Vll TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE Translator's Preface iii Author's Introduction v Practical Hints 3 Routes to Paris: Route i. From Liege to Paris by Way of the Mame, the Was, and the Ain't . . .15 Excursion A. View of a Decadent Nation . 23 Route 2. To Paris by Way of Japan, Mexico, and the U. S. A ..... 25 Excursion B. Holy Willie's Prayer . . .35 Route 3. To Calais and Paris by Way of Ypres and Poison Gas 37 Route 4. To Paris by Way of Galicia, Warsaw, and Sukhomlinoff 41 Route 5. To Paris by Way of the Lusitania 44 Route 6. To Paris by Way of the Kolossal Kavem, also known as the German Mind 47 Route 7. To Paris by Way of Verdun and the Krown Prince i8-hoiir Flivver ... 54 Route 8. To Paris by Way of Brest- Litovsk (Trotzky Hot Air Line) ... 60 Excursion C. Marching Through Russia . 66 ix TABLE OP CONTENTS Routes to Paris — continued: page Route 9. To Paris by Way of the 7S-Mile Gun 68 Route 10. To Paris by Zeppelin, Albatross, Gotha, Fokker, etc 68 Route ii. To Paris by the P. P. P. P. (Peace Pigeon Parcel Post) 68 Route 12. To Paris by Way of Amiens and Then Somme 69 Excursion D. A Christian Carol .... 73 Route 13. To Paris by Way of Gott . . 75 Chronology 79 Index 81 Map of the German Mind ...... 49 Town Plans: Paris 5 London 18 Washington, D. C 32 Calais 39 Verdun 57 Moscow 71 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS PRACTICAL HINTS Traveling Expenses. The cost of a trip to Paris from the Ger- man frontier has risen tremendously since 1870, with no corresponding increase in comfort; the contrary rather. Two million dead and wounded a year is a fair estimate. A safe way is to decide in advance how much one is willing to spend, and then mul- tiply by one hundred. In general we may say that if one chooses to travel by express, to put up only at first- class fortresses, and to consume four solid formations a day, one must be prepared to pay accordingly. The French have a shrewd eye for business and they exact an unreason- able price for what they render. As usual in Continental travel, family touring is more expensive than traveling 3 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS en gargon. Left to themselves, Hindenburg or Mackensen can manage on comparatively little. But whenever any members of the family are around, like the present writer at Nancy in September, 1914, or the Krown Prince at Verdun in 19 16, the expenditures mount prodigiously (200,000 to 500,000 casualties). Extras in the form of tips and gratuities are unavoidable, and where first-class serv- ice is demanded, they come high. A Bolo Pasha may well run up into the millions. Bernstorfif's tips in the U. S. A. (one of the detours to Paris we shall describe) kept my minister of finance ceaselessly picking at the counterpane, as we say down in Silesia. Other incidentals, such as broken treaties, lies (both Kiihlmann and preferred), and riot and starvation at home, need not be em- phasized, since they involve no particular strain on the truly Imperialist conscience. PARIS (Note: The author not having had the advan- tage of studying the topography of Paris on the spot, the map below shows Paris as it ought to be rather than as it is.) Cross - vnd-nch Admiral _J y/on Tirpiiz. Fount-fin Biss Sub □UUUUD-'&J'lj □nnnnnnc — " — ir~if~~irinn i^nr ftldmarschall-i/nd' infanfet it^ ^LJ I GenerahDcfivery vorr^ ' » ' — ' crLn Pr/nd — ^ Hmt^ettburj \ \\ ) ;^ i Porcelain Collection w nnn RLinMr Half-way between the Imperial Equestrian Statue and the Gross-imd-net-Admiral von Tirpitz Foun- tain is the restaurant with the cold Imperial victuals that have been waiting since September 2, 1914. LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Climate. The salubrity of the French climate has been greatly exaggerated. Nor is there any '* distinction to be drawn between high and low altitudes. I have found the heights of Vimy and the swamps of St. Gond equally trying. Violent fluctuations of temperature must be expected in the river valleys; like- wise in the uplands, the forests, the brick- yards, the slag-heaps and the ruined chapels. On the Marne, September 5, 1914, the tem- perature changed abruptly from fair and warmer in the morning to violent chills and fever at night. Reading. Inasmuch as no literature is sold on the trains after departure, it is well for the tour- ist to lay in a stock in advance; especially as blockades and other tedious delays are very frequent on the Nach Paris line. Out of a virtually inexhaustible list of light fic- tion, we cite a few titles : 6 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS "The German White Book," with notes omitted by Von Jagow and telegrams sup- pressed by Bethmann-Hollweg. Same, extra-illustrated edition, by Lich- nowsky. "Murderous Belgium," By the Ninety- three Professors. "Lusitania Shells." By Ernst Haeckel and other leading humorists. "Ten Thousand Reasons Why We Should Love Prussia." By Charles Hapsburg. Language. The modern French tongue is a corrupt form of an old Germanic dialect, having broken away from the Gothic typography in an insane desire to make itself legible. It lacks those fine grammatical distinctions of the German tongue which enable one to say, "The moon, he is in the sky," or "The young lady, it is playing the piano ; and a very fine piano he is." Nevertheless the Germanic traces in the 7 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS modern French are very perceptible; as, "oui, oui" from "wie geht's" ; "donnez-moi'' from, "donnerwetter" ; ''liberte" from "leber- wurst''; ''egalite" from the famiHar German expression "Das ist mir egal"; "fraternite" from "Franziskaner-brau." The French have appropriated bodily such good old Teuton words as "cafe," "adieu," "au revoir," and "merci." The names of their great writers betray a Germanic origin, as Montaigne-Manteuffel, Corneille-Kuhnle, Moliere - Muller, Racine - Rosen, Sainte- Beuve-Seydlitz, Hugo-Ugo, and Anatole France-Anatol Deutsch. The French into- nation is pitched disagreeably high ; like the people which make use of it, it is virtually impossible to keep it down. Railways, Tickets, Baggage, Etc. The railways leading to Paris are com- fortable and well equipped, as far as they go. The terminal facilities, however, are very poor. The French army refuses to 8 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS guarantee any connections and time-tables are subject to change without notice. Ger- man excursionists, therefore, would do well, in planning their itineraries, to allow for delays. Thus, for the regulation trip of three weeks from Cologne to Paris, a mar- gin of ten or twelve years is not excessive. Night travel is much to be preferred owing to the aeroplane signal-system em- ployed by the French and the carelessness of their aviators, who are addicted to drop- ping things on the locomotive. Food is not sold on the train but may easily be obtained from the nearest peasant house in exchange for a few incendiary bombs and a couple of firing platoons. Beer (French un bock, recently changed to un boche) is of poor quality, and should be used only when no private wine-cellars are avail- able. The so-called trains de luxe are not to be recommended. They have speed without control, and derailments are frequent. This 9 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS is particularly true of the Metz-Verdun 1 8-hour Krown Prince Flivver (popularly known as the Rough Diamond Express), the Von Kluck Katapult, and the Picardy Plunger. The French railway administra- tion allows no rebates for failure to arrive at destination. Fares, as intimated, in our Introduction, are extremely high. The details will be found further on in this volume under the separate Routes. The French army, con- trary to the usual custom, refuses to sell through tickets and insists on collecting fares while the train is under way. Return or circular tickets are obtained without difficulty in advance. The Author has made use of a circular ticket during the last four years and it still has an indefinite time to run. They are to be had in all combi- nations : Liege-Marne-Aisne-Liege-Berlin ; Metz-Douaumont-Mort Homme-Metz-Ber- lin ; Cologne - Brussels - Lille - Brussels-Co- logne-Berlin, etc. LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARLS Baggage-checking facilities in France are unsurpassed. Some of the principal check- ing stations are La Fere Champenoise, Verdun, Ypres, Amiens, etc. Here the well- known French courtesy shows itself at its best. The French, with their associates, the British, Belgians, Americans, etc., are only too happy to turn out day or night to accom- modate any Imperial tourist who is in a hurry. Hotels, Amusements, Shops, Etc. All the hotels and chateaux to which the tourist is likely to have access are run on the German plan. That is to say, the traveler will begin by smashing the mirrors and pic- tures, quartering his horse in the salon, and putting his boots into the bed or on top of the piano, according to taste. The somewhat monotonous scheme of French interior decoration may be relieved by breaking open trunks of feminine apparel II LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS and festooning the contents around the chan- deliers. French landlords, whether in hotels or chateaux, show little inclination to interfere with the collection of souvenirs, always one of the most delightful accompaniments of a trip abroad. Ormolu clocks, Sevres vases, family portraits, ivory crucifixes, and simi- lar bibelots are to be had in profusion. The exceptionally enterprising tourist, especially if he is of sufficient standing at General Headquarters to command the services of a couple of motor vans, should find it quite possible to secure a Louis XVI sideboard or a grand piano or two. What careful study and application may accomplish in this respect is already shown in the unrivaled Kronprinz-Friedrich Wilhelm- Porzelan - Wanduhr - und - Badewanne - Samme- lung (Krown Prince Friedrich William Por- celain-Wall Clock-and-Bathtub Collection) at Berlin. Tourists compelled to evacuate their hotel rooms in a hurry will of course 12 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS see to it that they remain unfit for human (that is, for French) habitation. Amuse:ments, shopping, etc., must neces- sarily be decided by the taste of the traveler. It is enough to say that the facilities are un- rivaled. Tourists of an antiquarian turn of mind will avail themselves of the existing ruins for which northern France is famous or will make their own. People of athletic tastes will find in the orchards of fair France unexcelled opportunities for tree-chopping. To those of more frivolous bent there are certain conquerors' privileges which will not be specified. Preparations for Trip. No hard and fast rule can be laid down for the length of time to be spent in prepa- ration for an excursion from Berlin to Paris. From the author's own experience it is obvi- ous that forty-three years are not enough. But circumstances may change. In the way of mental preparation — study 13 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS of foreign languages, history, customs, etc. — the German tourist has peculiar advan- tages over every other traveler. Since the German language is the only civilized lan- guage, German Kultur is the only Kultur worth mentioning, and German history re- veals the will of Gott working itself out in the most perfect medium, the German abroad has nothing to learn. We would, however, make one exception, in recommending the tourist to brush up his knowledge of architecture, and especially of Gothic architecture, in which Northern France is so rich. In the author's own expe- rience, hundreds of thousands of 42-cen- timeter shells have been wasted by German tourists who have directed their attention to modern commercial buildings and passed over the rarest thirteenth century examples. 14 ROUTE I. From Liege to Paris by Way of the Mame, the Was, and the Ain*t. Two hundred and seventy-five miles in 3 years, 10 months, 15 days. Fare, 750,000 dead, 1,500,000 wounded. Connection (not guaranteed) at St. Quentin with the Von Biilow Accommodation from the Ardennes and thence to Rheims where connection (extra hazardous) with the Krown Prince Special (Rough Diamond Express) from Sedan and Argonne. Liege (the ancient German Lie^bch^n), a city of 175,000 inhabitants before the arrival of the German tourist and 25,000 after, is picturesquely situated on the steep west bank of the river Meuse (the ancient German MeasIvE:s). It is or was the seat of a cathedral, a university, and a foundling asylum, all within easy cannon range from the opposite shore. After the first few days' 15 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS bombardment there is nothing more to in- terest the visitor. Departing from the station on the left bank, we make our way through the lovely valley of the Meuse. The scenery on the left or Brandenburg Grenadier bank is even more pleasing than on the right, or Bavarian Ersatz bank. With brief stops for fusillades of women and priests at Huy and Andenne, we arrive at Namur (the ancient German NachmiT- Tag), a flourishing city at the confluence of the Meuse and the Sambre (the ancient Ger- man Sombrero), which immediately ceases to flourish. Here the Belgian checking fa- cilities prove insufficient to delay the tourist. By the light of burning villages we glide along the banks of the Sambre to Charleroi, a city lying in the heart of a great coal-basin and thus destined by Gott for the delight and profit of German vaca- tionists. Here for the first time we come into contact with the French checking system, i6 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS which, however, has not yet got into perfect working order and involves only a single day's stop-over. The line now turns south into French ter- ritory and we move rapidly through a pleas- ant country criss-crossed with poplars which might well repay hewing down, and studded with white church steeples which would make excellent targets but for the prohib- itive cost of high explosives. Here one may choose the main road through Maubeuge (the ancient German Mops) or the branch road by way of Mons (abbreviated from the German Monsie:ur), leading either to Le Cateau (Ger. CASTi:i.i,uM ) or Guise (Ger. Gksundhkit). At both points the checking system once more is applied, with greater though not yet perfect efficiency; in the one case by the English, originally a Germanic tribe from the mouth of the river Elbe, whence Albion, under the guidance of one John French (Johann Franz), and in the other case by 17 LONDON (Note : The author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of London on the spot, the map below shows London as it ought to be rather than as it is.) K^ I 1 1 GrWvnd-neh Admiral up^Qt/^t :fon'Luc/Mcforff \ J von T/rpiiri. Fountain W]\\ ULUJUQ-'tztt Mdmarichalhuhd-lnfanh)X» OS General 'Delivery v on^ L — 1 I — I Crl^n Prince — — Hmi^enburj Q^ I I ;5r~| I Porcelain Collection Close to the Haupt-Quartiermeister-General von Ludendorff Bridge is the famous inn of the Cheshire Cheese, the favorite resort of the celebrated lexi- cographer Samuel Johnson, whose fondness for words like "honorificabilitudinity'* clearly betrays his Germanic origin. 38 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS the natives rallying around Josef Schauffer, frequently but erroneously referred to as Joseph Joffre, of whom we here catch our first instructive glimpse. * * * Josef Schauffer (Joffre), one of the most remarkable features of French landscape scenery, will repay close study by the foreign tourist. As the name indicates, he is of German descent with just a dash of the debilitating French blood. He entered the army at an early age, and developed his strategic ideas entirely on the model of those great Teuton military thinkers, Moltke, Clause- witz and Napoleon (Ger. Apfelstrudel, though some writers prefer Apollinaris). This Schauffer is about 5 feet 10 inches in height and, according to our best German au- thorities, about twice as wide. (See Von Kluck, "Indian Summer on the Marne," six volumes, printed for private distribution.) The first im- pression of Schauffer is of a man of retiring dis- position, but after the first five weeks, he reveals an impressive gift for repartee which is charac- teristically Teuton. This much is certain : that his name will remain indelibly impressed on the memory of the German tourist. From Le Cateau and Guise we continue to follow the main line past St. Quentin and 19 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Compiegne to Senlis within less than thirty miles from Paris. Here the line veers abruptly to the southeast and, judging from the Berlin official communiques, enters a series of long tunnels. As the train emerges from the last of these into the valley of the Marne, there bursts upon the eyes of the deeply impressed visitor * * * An Extensive View of the French and English Army. The numerous features of what is unde- niably the climax of our journey can be indi- cated only in the briefest form within the limits of the present volume. The tourist may be referred for a much more extensive account of this interesting phenomenon to the Author's "J^^ketings with Joffre," 47 volumes, with introduction, appendix and alibi, Berlin, 1914-1987. Beginning at the extreme west, at the junction of the Marne (Ger. Marinirt) and the Ourcq (Ger. Ugh !), we note the impres- 20 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS sive Stone Wall of Manoury, or more cor- rectly Mannheimer, reported to have been built in a single night out of rough blocks brought from Paris in taxicabs. Further to the east the eye lights upon the so-called John French (Johann Franz), no longer avoiding the attention of the pursuing tourist, but now engaged in an operation technically described as reverse English. Beyond that lies the Franchet d'Esperey barrier, passing which we come to the marshes of St. Gond surmounted by the re- markable combination of quicksand and cliff known to German students as Ferdinand Fuchs, popularly but erroneously referred to as Foch. * * * Ferdinand Fuchs (Foch) is a frequent phenomenon along the roads of northern France and as such will repay study. It not only occurs on the Marne, but is encountered in great strength along the Yser, in Artois, in front of Amiens, and latterly along the entire terrain from the North Sea to the Adriatic. The celebrated quarter-miler Ludendorff in his 21 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS volume of reminiscences entitled *'Foot-Races with Foch," now in course of publication, aptly characterizes Foch as "the Union Terminal for all German tourist traffic in France." Beyond Foch the roads are closed for repairs. Here, therefore, the traveler will disem- bark and follow the direction indicated in a sign pointing north with the legend ''This way out.'' He will take his seat without loss of time in one of the long line of specials under the direction of Dispatchers Schauf- fer and Fuchs. A swift run of fifty miles through familiar country brings him to the rivers Oise (German, Was) and Aisne (German, Ain't). 22 EXCURSION A View of a Decadent Nation. "French troops began to intervene on March 23 in the battle now being fought on the British front."— Official Dispatch. Hold there, Tommy ! They come, Petain's odorif- erous life guards, Slouching with rifle and bomb and a varied as- sortment of blankets, Tinware, onions and stews, and the smile that ne'er failed them at Verdun. France from her white-bled veins still squeezes a cup for transfusion. Hold there, Haig you ! They come ! Their sauce- pans gleam like the helmets Of Roland, Joan, Bayard — and a minimum quota of cannon. Three hundred miles of front, a half-hundred more hardly matters. France once more is at work spiking the Hinden- burg schedule. Belgium called and they came, this feeble folk from the boulevards. Frog-eaters sadly addicted to peg-top trousers and absinthe, 23 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Came in their paper-soled boots and leaped at the Kaiser's machine guns, Caught the blow full in the face and reeled back to Marne and to glory. Servia called, and they came: "On the banks of the Struma our soldiers" — "Our troops in the bend of the Cerna" — "In the Salonica sector our soldiers " Spaded and festered and fought and smoked their notorious tobacco, Wond'ring what it all was about, but alors, ^a va tres hien, n'est-ce pas? Italy called and they came: "Our regiments marching through Brescia " "On the heights of Asiago our troops " Oh, tight-lipped anonymous poet, Your day and your night communiques — pro- nounced as we do it in Kansas Show down-and-out Frenchmen just raising Sam Hill in the Mediterranean. Stand there, Britain! She comes — France of the scant forty millions. Done for three years ago, white-bled by Hinden- burg's schedule, France of the Lafayette touch gives still one more twist to her life veins. Sounds the call of Verdun and leaps — Hold, Haig! She is coming! 24 ROUTE 2. To Paris by Way of Japan, Mexico, and the U. S. A. This is known as the Z. Z. Line (Zimmer- mann Zip Express). Distances, duration, fares, etc., can be estimated only in the roughest way, as the route is still imperfectly charted, with numerous gaps which must be covered on mule back or by the Swedish diplomatic pouch. Our journey starts from Yokohama (the ancient German Junke:rhkim), the princi- pal port of Japan. Just how the German traveler may get to Yokohama is described in our seventeen-volume guide book, "How to Be Happy with the British Fleet." Leaping lightly from Yokohama, the Ger- man tourist, at the head of a Japanese army of two million men, effects a comfortable landing on the west coast of Mexico, where 25 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS he is joined by an army of equal strength under the command of Venustiano Carranza on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and of Pancho Villa on Tuesdays and Saturdays, unless detained by death or moving-picture contracts elsewhere. Thursdays and Sun- days are the Mexican army's days out. Heading due north along the magnificent macadam roads that cross the Sierra Madre, the tourist traverses the luxuriant cactus groves of Sonora watered by the silvery cur- rent of the majestic Juxtlahuacoatlajara- quetzlanapanhuatl (the ancient German town of KatzKn jammer). Behind us tow- ers the snow-covered Mount Orizaba (18,250 feet), one of the tallest points on the North American continent and surpassed only by some of Count Bernstorffs best efforts. As we advance we catch glimpses, on our right, of the Mexican army poufing carbolic acid into the food kettles of their Japanese allies, and on our left the Japanese army honing their razors on the Mexican allies. 26 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Shortly before dawn we pull into the rail- way station at Juarez, its magnificent marble colonnade toned to a rich yellow by the smoke from the tall chimneys of the Special Dis- patch Works at El Paso across the Rio Grande. The passage of the river having been easily effected, the road leads across the roll- ing plains of Texas. The inhabitants are almost entirely of pure Mexican blood, wear- ing the characteristic national costume of a black frock coat and white string tie. They are bitterly hostile to the American flag, partly because of their Mexican race pride, and partly because only seven out of a total of nine members in the American Cabinet hail from this part of the country. By closing his left eye and putting the palm of his hand over the right, the tourist may perceive millions of these Texicans — to give them their proper name — marching with rifles for an attack on New York. They are brigaded with Japanese and Mexicans under 27 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS the chief command of Don Pedro Alvarez Y Fujiwara. Further north we encounter strong reen- forcements from New Mexico (the ancient German NEu Me:cki.Enburg), Arizona (EhrEnbre:iTste:in) and the southern part of Utah, the last composed of Mormon bat- talions bearing a banner with the motto B Plurihiis Unum. There follows an uninterrupted run of several hundred miles, characterized by the most perfect harmony among the Allies as a result of the unsurpassable Harvey Meals. Tourists of literary inclinations may choose to stop off for a moment at Hannibal, Mo., the birthplace of Mark Zwei, famous for his discovery of the dative case in the German language. From this point the route is along the banks of the Mississippi (the ancient German Me:sopotamia), until the presence of a strong odor of hops and malt in the air informs us that we are approaching St. Louis (The ancient German LooiK), a 28 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS first-class fortress and entrenched camp. The city has a population of 687,029, of whom 3,235,786 have both parents born in Germany, 7,897,453 have a German-born father or mother, 3,453,987 are of native parentage on both sides but, like the others, smoke Turkish Muftis and read the Satur- day Evening Post, and 24 are of the belief that the Browns will finish in the first divi- sion. St. Louis lies low on the banks of the Mis- sissippi while the American Security League calls it names. Between whiles it sends vol- unteers into the American army and navy and buys Liberty Bonds. The last, how- ever, has been explained as an ingenious scheme to corner the Liberty Bond market and, by leaving nothing for the rest of the country to buy, to sap the national morale. On the other side of the river lies East St. Louis, inhabited by a pioneer population addicted to hunting negro women and chil- dren through the streets with firearms. 29 "LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS" From St. Louis the tourist may take one of several routes. By proceeding in a gen- eral northward direction we reach, after an uneventful run of several hours, a stimu- lating city, over whose Town Hall waves a red flag with the motto "Guess Again." In other words, Milwaukee, the largest city in the state of Wisconsin (the ancient German Was- kann-ES-s^in). Its principal industry, as indicated by the town motto, is keeping news- paper editors awake nights wondering what will happen next. Owing its original fame to a fermented product of world-wide repu- tation, Milwaukee has persisted in ferment- ing ever since. It votes for Socialists (the ancient German Social-Demokraten) and buys Liberty Bonds. Milwaukee has been under a Socialist ad- ministration for several years and persists in not going to the devil. Its soldiers were among the first American casualties in the 30 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS present war. Its favorite resort for light amusement is the La FoUette-Berger. Leaving Milwaukee with a slight head- ache, the tourist pursues his way along the shores of Lake Michigan, flashes through Chicago and spends an afternoon at Gary, Ind., famous as the original home of the football play known to all educationalists as the Gary Double Shift (as opposed to the Hylan Fling). Cutting south through the state of Indiana, we traverse a flat prairie country broken only by primary contests and election indictments, and crossing into Ohio (the ancient German Wki-hai-wEi) we enter, as night falls, the city of Cincinnati (the ancient German CiNCiN- NATUH ) . The tourist can tell that it is night and not day by the fact that the porter announces the last call for dinner. If he announced the first call for breakfast it would be day in Cincinnati. Otherwise there is no telling. The leading hotels have facil- 31 WASHINGTON, D. C. ( Note : The author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of Washington on the spot, the map below shows Washington as it ought to be rather than as it is.) \ C^^^^^>^ W Gross- und-neh^Mm'rhf y ^^^^^^V-VI r I I J I I VOnTirpiijL Fount ain I I IJ |_J [_J G I gy ^/^^'yff Fkldmarschalhund-InfanfeiA" QS General- Delivers von-^ i ' ' ' VJ^- >3,/«^i ' — Crortn Princs^ Gencraf-Dc/ivery v on- Hinc^enburj P^i 1 ISTl I Porceh/n Coifechon nnnnLjn] The admirable simplicity of Washington's street plan is due to the fact that the city was originally laid out by a German architect, Peter Karl Kinder- lein, erroneously referred to in the text books as Pierre Charles L'Enfant. 32 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS ities for washing shirts and collars at short notice. From Cincinnati there is a network of rail- ways extending all over the eastern United States. For the attainment of his objective the traveler may take the Franz Rintelen German-Nickel-Plate, or the Dr. Heinrich Albert Accordeon Portfolio, or the Papen Underground, or any other of the Subsidi- aries of the K. K. & K. (Kaiser, Kultur and Kamouflage) System. All these routes, however, after passing through an extensive variety of scenery, ultimately converge, and the Teuton tourist, with an extraordinary assortment of emo- tions, descends in the capacious union termi- nal of Atlanta (the ancient German Tantai^us), a city with a considerable German popula- tion, largely concentrated within the pre- cincts of the U. S. Federal Penitentiary, a modern institution with unrivaled facilities for the encouragement of sober second 33 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS thought. Here the tourist makes the ac- quaintance of the famous southern exposure and the equally celebrated southern hospital- ity. From this point the only practicable way to Paris is either by wireless or telepathy. 34 EXCURSION B. Holy Willie's Prayer (The author wishes to express his obligation to the late Robert Burns, of Alloway, near Ayr, Scotland, for all of the title and some of the meter of the following inspired lines.) Thou, Gott, zum Grossen Haupt-Quartier, Whose flaming sword, I greatly fear. Is giving signs of wear and tear (See late dispatches), Despite Bapaume and Armentieres New trouble hatches. Peruse, oh Gott, without delay, The weather maps from U. S. A. With winter wheat from day to day Booming and swelling. A billion bushels on the way — Hear Hoover yelling. Pour forth thy wrath on Abilene, Its long hot days with rain between, Or hurl thy blast on Moorhead, Minn., Temp, above normal. Not like my crops from the Ukraine, More or less formal. 3S LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Let fall thy bolt on Keokuk, Its isotherms in best of luck, Its barometric pressures cluck — Clucking and chortling, Much livelier, Gott, than that lame duck Von Hertling. Send forth thy blast on Tatoosh, Wash., Where Packards o'er the landscape dash And Steinways sell for ready cash ; Wheat at two-twenty! On Penn Yan let thy anger crash, Crash good and plenty. What Teuton skill wrought on the Somme, Wreak thou, oh Gott, on Yankee scum. On orchard, meadow, clay, and loam, Ashes and chaff spray. Or Ludendorff will pack thee home Retired on half pay ! S. S. 36 ROUTE 3. To Calais and Paris by way of Ypres and Poison Gas. Fourteen miles to Ypres from Roulers Junc- tion where connection is made for Liege (See Route i). Time, 3 years, 10 months. Fares: Prussian Guard Rocket, 100,000 dead and corresponding wounded; Crown Prince Rupprecht Slow Freight, 400,000 dead; Von Arnim Sunset Limited, £00,ooo dead and several attacks of near-apoplexy in editorial offices of Count Reventlow. Ypres is the ancient German Wipers, whence the famous line by the Bavarian poet, Tony Weller the elder, *'Ah, you gen- eration of Wipers!'' Other writers claim that Ypres is the original Germanic form and quote a famous epigram in the Lower Suabian dialect by an ancestor of the present Gen. Von Arnim, "Ypres moi, le deluge." The city has been for the last four years Z7 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS the favorite destination for short-trip com- muters from Germany. The line, however, does not approach closer than two miles to the town, and the walking, even for com- muters, has hitherto been found impracti- cable. Ypres lies almost entirely under- ground. The climate is salubrious for the army which has the wind at its back, owing to the prevalence of gas in the atmosphere. By this time the city is utterly devoid of monuments, other than the magnificent memory of devotion and sacrifice displayed by its occupants since October, 1914, the Germanic tribe of Anglo-Saxons whose home (as already noted) was originally on the lower Elbe, but who are now mostly dom- iciled in the island of Blighty (the ancient Germanic Bi^utwurst). It is of the early inhabitants of this island that a Bishop of Rome once remarked ''Not angels but Englishmen," a description of which they are still inordinately proud. The run from Roulers to the environs of 38 CALAIS (Note : The author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of Calais on the spot, the map below shows Calais as it ought to be rather than as it is.) ■jt- (JU^rttermeister-Oe ntnal. ' . Q C^^^^^"^^ I 1 1 Gross- und-nehA^^r "^ V/1 f j . j J { J von T!rpit2, Fountain WY\ Briefs^ i_ inDDDnnni: ftldmarschall-und^tnknfclk* fW General' Defivcry von-^ t 1 L__Jl^J^^ Pr/nct^^ ^ Hmcfeftburs [:;;:::] I I Xn l Porcehm Collection Museum n , , r— — , KN j i 1 ' » »■ — M nnnhUn rnr As the half-way station between London and Paris, the town of Calais naturally has taken on something of the aspect of both cities, a resemblance that will not escape the discerning reader. 39 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Ypres is short but eventful. The first half of the journey is made at night. Somewhere between Passchendaele and Hollebeke the line divides and the odor of gas is preva- lent. The tourist, according to instructions, moves forward either through a hilly re- gion densely covered with hydrochlorate- permanganese ichthyolotuolsciatica (HO3 ZWQ4V6S7COD3F1F1F1 SOS2), or across lowlands drenched in Prussarsenicarbonated- sundaesulphurettediogenes (known in the trade as Ypres blue). Both roads come to a stop, as indicated, outside the suburbs of Ypres and the commuter immediately starts back in the direction of Germany. The General Staff thereupon announces that all objectives have been attained and instructs the High Keeper of the Peace Dove to release the bird for a scouting trip. Thirty miles beyond Ypres lies Calais (the ancient German Ke:IvLy), reported to be a very interesting bathing resort. 40 ROUTE 4. To Paris by Way of Galicia, Warsaw and Sukhomlinoff. Twenty-four thousand, six hundred and twen- ty-five miles, of which 250 miles (Warsaw) in 2 years, I month, 5 days. Fares (fair- ly reasonable), i^ million Germans; inci- dental tips, etc. ,^3 million Austrians. The jour- ney is all the way by the Trans-Consonantal Road (the Bzzwqurt, JJrxpop, & Grvbglug R. R.) pronounced the most trying roadbed in the world but really much more satisfactory than the much vaunted trains de luxe of northern France and Belgium. We begin our journey on the shores of the river Dunajec in Galicia at Sukhomlinoff (the ancient German Scum), a railroad center of the first rank, though it does not yet appear on the maps. It was founded some time in 1914 and named after the Minister of War in the cabinet of Nich- olas II, Emperor of All the Russias (Emer- itus). 41 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS To this Sukhomlinoff, as Minister of War, naturally fell the task of regulating foreign tourist traffic into the interior of Russia. Of the vast sums of money placed at his disposal for this purpose, the greater part was not spent on the well established devices for regulating tourist traffic, such as Siberian Riflemen, Cossacks, artillery, aero- planes, boots, and black rye bread (famil- iarly known as the Super-Hoover loaf). Sukhomlinoff diverted these funds to cer- tain favorite units of his own, notably the Ballet Ladies' Own, the Night Watch, the Champagne Chasseurs, and the Black and Red Wheel Corps. As a result the tourist's road into the heart of Russia is enormously facilitated. Shortly after leaving the station at Sukhomlinoff we encounter half a million Russians without food, clothes, guns or powder. The for- eigner is still much of a curiosity to the primitive Slavs. Instead of evading the onrushing locomotive, they swarm upon the 42 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS train, kick with their bare toes against ma- chine guns, tear with their fists at barb-wire, and indulge in similar excesses, which, how- ever, are more of a nuisance than a danger. Having cleared the track of such obstruc- tions, the train moves rapidly forward, stop- ping now and then at wayside stations to drop a consignment of much-needed vowels, and passing through Przemysl (the ancient German Schi^EmihIv) and Lemberg (the ancient German is obvious), we arrive, after a fast run up the river Vistula, at Warsaw, where the tourist is received by rejoicing crowds of Poles raising the historic cry Finis Polandiae! At Warsaw, the tourist debarks, unfolds his map, traces the remaining 24,400 miles to Paris by way of Vladivostok, San Fran- cisco and Hoboken, and decides to stop for a while and think it over. This process takes 18 months. (Special rates at pensions for the whole period.) 43 ROUTE 5. To Paris by Way of the Lusitania. The Tirpitz Short Line via the half-way house of madness and abomination. An ancient and well-patronized route, e. g., Herod, the Borgias, Ivan of Russia, Marquis de Sade, Mme. de Biin- villiers, Dr. Crippen, and other experts in Kultur bacteria. Time, 3 years, 5 weeks. Immediate costs : nothing save honor and the execration of mankind. Ultimate costs, see below. The tourist embarks at Wilhelmshaven or Zeebrugge, having provided himself with warm clothes, a copy of Kant's Categorical Imperative, and the tenderer songs of Schu- bert and Schumann to while away the tedi- ous underwater journey to the Irish coast. Rising to the surface off Kinsale, the trav- eler gives only a moment's glance towards shore, then turns his attention to the stirring {herzerfreudige) sight of a noble steamer 44 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS bounding forward over the waves (uber die Wellen walzend). The experienced travel- er, however, will not let himself be deceived by appearances. Drawing from his pocket the Bernstorff-Zimmermann patent X-Ray Telephotograph Detector, specially devised for such emergencies, he will train it on the great ship and immediately detect the presence on board of large stores of explo- sives. For ordinary purposes this examination should be enough. The truly conscientious traveler, however, will not be content with a superficial view. He will wait until the pres- ence of a large number of women and chil- dren on board ship is ascertained. Thereupon, reciting a few appropriate lines from the immortal Goethe, the tourist will take appropriate action, pause a mo- ment to observe results, and submerge. From that point the sea route to Paris lies under water by way of the Ancona (Ger. Angkn^hm), the Persia (Ger. Borussia), 45 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS and the Sussex (Ger. Swe:e:t Saxons), until the traveler, carried on at express speed, suddenly comes to a halt, emerges, and dis- covers, high on the horizon, * * * America (the ancient German Ko- i^oombiah), lying straight across the road to Paris ; area, 3,743,308 square miles ; popula- tion, 110,000,000; annual income, $150,000,- 000,000; potential military strength, 15,000,- 000 men; wheat crop, one billion bushels. Having carefully scanned these figures, the German tourist to Paris by the Lusitania route will don his cork jacket and cancel his ticket in favor of some other route. 46 ROUTE 6. Excursion to Kolossal Kavem, also known as the German Mind. The Lusitania route will be found by the traveler to be shortest and clearest approach to what is probably the most extraordinary natural phenomenon in captivity, namely the Kolossal Kavern, better known as the Ger- man Mind, and properly regarded as one of the Seven Great Blunders of the World. The exploration of this extraordinary subterranean labyrinth, while fascinating, is not devoid of peril. Once inside there is no guarantee that the traveler will find his way to the upper air again, at least in his previous state of mental health. The trip, therefore, is not to be recommended for invalids, or tourists with dependent wife and children under i8 years of age and not filing separate returns under Form X1056. The Kolossal Kavern is really a congeries of halls, domes, pits, avenues, lakes, rivers, v^aterfalls, boiling Kaisers, and inkspouts, scooped out in the soft German soil by the 47 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS action of generations of hard Prussian thought, goose-step by goose-step. The entrance into the Kavern is through the principal door of the University of Berlin and affiliated institutions under the authority of the Prussian Minister of Edu- cation. On entering, the visitor is required to put on a pair of ordinary horse's blinders which permit vision only in a straight line and to put himself in charge of an official guide. Almost immediately we find ourselves in a great Rotunda known as the Will-to-Believe from which all the paths into the German Mind diverge (not to be confused with Will Hohenzollern or Will o' the Wisp). From the Rotunda a short climb brings us to the Dome of the Ninety-three Profes- sors, beautifully decorated with a frieze of crystals depicting the invasion of Silesia by the Belgian army, the execution of German women and children, and the destruction of Cologne Cathedral. 48 MAP OF THE kolossalkavernT ^ ^ f r X ^ j^ 1 friu. % ^ ^/ \l ^1 ^^ i ft ^ ^ K m^^^ ■'^s^^^' s V Ik 1^' i f/^^ pr- '^^ f \ =r» JL.. ^ tf Map of the German Mind 49 1.1 riLV: JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Imoiii tliis pcnnt wo proceed by iho llaockcl Corkscrow atul the Troitschko Twist to the shores oi Tiq)itz See ov Lake, iniiahited by a species o( shark whicli feeds, strictly in self-defense, iipcMi the eyeless minnows which abound in these waters. Tansinj;- a moment ti> call up the juciure o\ the gentle old man whose tlowini;- w hiskers have turned white trvini;- to limine cnit how several boat- loads oi women manai;ed to i^et away from the Lusitania. we proceed in the direct ii>n oi what is undcnibtedly the chief marvel oi the Kolossal Kavern. namely the Teuton Temple of Absolute Truth, oi which the post oi Cus- todian is held by the edittM" of the Xord- ihiitsrlir .\lhjc}}icinc ZcitiDUi. One may aj^proach the Temple of Truth bv several routes. C^ne w ay lies by the Hegel Gallery, which at intervals expands into larL;e c^bscure chambers such as the Here ^das IHrr), the There {diis Port) and the Neither! lere-nor-There {^das Bcthmann- Uolkccij). So IJ I'lIJ': JOURNICYS TfnVARnS i'AKIS An alternative route oi about the same IcnjT^th and attractiveness leads throu^^h the Immanuel Kant Alley, w^hich crosses a num- ber of chasms on ro[)e brid[:jes, variously called the To-iie (das Sein), the Not-to-be {das Nichtsein) and the Ilas-Heen (das Czernin). It then skirts the precipice of Ordinary Truth, over which dashes a much- remarked waterfall known as Lichnowsky's Leap, and arrives at the entrance to the Temple. For the mr^re active traveler who is not averse to a bit of rou^h work, there is a short cut known as the Wolff Jiureau. 'i'he principal feature oi the Temple of Truth is a ^reat central chamber illuminated by policeman's bull eyes and over the marble doorway to which is inscribed the motto "Necessity is the Mother of Invention." Within are statues (carved by the corrosive action of the subterranean waters and the moonshine) of all the ^reat inventors — F5ethmann-Hollweg, Zimmermann, Hcllfer- 51 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS ich. Von Jagow, and the man who described the results of the battle of the Marne as "the strategic withdrawal of our right wing." For the ordinary visitor the route we have outlined may suffice. The more enterprising traveler will no doubt insist on pursuing his explorations into the inner recesses of the German Mind. He may proceed by Von Papen's Whirl, leading through Dynamite Hall, to the Hall of Perfect Amity. Or passing the Rintelen Morass and the Boy- Eddy he may arrive at the confluence of German Honor and Slush Creek. Other galleries lead to the Mausoleum or Slav's Folly. Here, owing to certain peculi- arities of air refraction, self-defense is spelled 1-o-o-t, and no annexations means Odessa and Sebastopol. Thence we pass a desolate waste of charred woods and orchards known as Kaiser William Land, from its strong resem- blance to northern France. Across the waste trickles the Rivulet of Joyful and Grateful 52 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Tears, shed by said monarch at the thought of Germany's being spared the sorrows inflicted (by some person or persons un- known) upon unhappy France. With a final glance at the Hall of Won- ders, representing the members of Main Committee of the Reichstag engaged in won- dering why nobody loves them, we make our way out of the Kolossal Kavern into the air of the open day. 53 ROUTE 7 To Paris by Way of Verdun and the Krown Prince 1 8-hour Flivver. Eight miles forward and 6 miles back in five months. Fare, 150,000 dead, 300,000 wounded and prisoners, I Chief of the General Staff, sev- eral heart-to-heart talks at Potsdam. Starting from, the general neighborhood of Metz in the early morning of of February 21, the train goes bowling over the plain of the Woevre in the direction of the Heights of the Meuse. On our right we observe the Krown Prince feverishly calculating the number of clocks and Sevres vases in the Louvre. On our left we observe the Pony Ballet of Prussian Pro- fessors rehearsing the French indemnity. Up stage, in deep center, Wilhelm II is pre- paring to mount his horse for the twenty- 54 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS seventh grand entry into Somewhere in France, the twenty-six previous perform- ances having been postponed on account of wet grounds. Off stage we catch a glimpse of the Hindenburg Reserve, grimly reserving its judgment as to the outcome of the trip. Rushing forward through space, we ar- rive in the afternoon of February 25, at Douaumont Junction, having covered five miles at break-neck speed in five days. En- tering a tunnel — the view here from both sides strongly resembles the Berlin attitude on the rights of small nations — the train suddenly slows up at the flash of a semaphore signal, "lis ne Passeront Pas!" (the ancient Ger- man Vkrboten ) , and crawling forward, the conductor walking ahead, it emerges at the union terminal of P^tain (the ancient German Pkterkin), firmly situated on the Heights of the Meuse and built out of the rock quarried in the im- mediate vicinity. In the two and a half years 55 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS since August i, 19 14, Petain underwent a marvelous expansion, having risen from the fourth, or Colonel, class to first or command- er-in-chief rank. It is the center of a group of flourishing communities notable among v^hich we may name Castelnau (the ancient German Neu-KassKl), and Nivelle (the ancient German Nibe:i,ung). From the out- skirts of Petain, the tourist, before changing cars, may catch a glimpse of Verdun (the ancient German Vkrdammt), a city of absolutely no consequence when one comes to think of it, and certainly not worth the trouble of arguing about with the Petain Home Guards. Here, therefore, we cross over to the station marked Exit, and embark- ing on the Krown Prince Shuttle Express, enter the tunnel once more and head for Metz and points east and north, for rest and recuperation. On March 2, considerably refreshed by a week's study of German explanations how it 56 VERDUN ( Note : The author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of Verdun on the spot, the map below shows Verdun as it ought to be rather than as it is.) C^^^^^"^^ I 1 1 Gr6s^-ond'nehM^r{l y. ^^^^^^^ i 1 ,LJ I— J yp^Tlrp ltj. Fountain Sissinj 3uh ' IQUUUUQ-tzjT fefdmarschaU-und^/nfanferii* CBI General' Deliver M von^ L 1 i lU J n.:^A ' ' — Gencrsf'Dc/ivery von- Crown Prince Hinctenburj f^ I I X^"] I Porcelain Col/eetion snnnnLnrir The noble monuments shown in the above plan were erected by the Krown Prince on the occasion of his first, second, third, fourth and fifth triumph- al entry into Verdun, respectively. 57 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS all happened, we set out once more in the direction of Verdun, which on further con- sideration does offer considerable interest to the traveler. This time we make our way by the Switch- back Accommodation along the western bank of the Meuse, on the other side of which we enjoy a glimpse of the Cote de Poivre (Hill of the French Pep). By March 14, proceed- ing in characteristic national fashion, lang- sam und deutschlich, we arrive at the out- skirts of Mort Homme (French Mustard). Descending the reverse slope we find that by an extraordinary bit of municipal enter- prise, the Petain Terminus has been moved over from the other side of the river. Returning to the top of Mort Homme we catch an extensive view of the country to the south which confirms the earlier impres- sion of its not being worth bothering about. We then set out for the return journey to Metz. This excursion may be frequently 58 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS repeated in the course of the next five months, but the prohibitive costs must be balanced against the educational benefits de- rived. 59 ROUTE 8 To Paris by Way of Brest-Litovsk (Trotzky Hot Air Line). Five hundred thousand square miles of Russian territory and 65,000,000 people in less than two months. As far as Brest-Litovsk by the Good- Will Flyer. Beyond Brest-Litovsk by the vari- ous branches of the Trotzky Hot Air System. Fares: I Reichstag anti-annexation resolution canned; several small nationalities irritated; 18,- 000,000 M^ords rapidly uttered by Trotzky and subsidiaries. From Berlin and Vienna to Brest-Litovsk the trip is made in leisurely fashion in ac- cordance with the ancient Hohenzollern mot- to, *^Make haste slowly" (in the original Latin ''Festina Leninte"). Stops are made at Point Czemin where ignition trouble is encountered, and at Kuhlmann Corners for lubrication. There is also a brief halt just outside of Brest-Litovsk for putting the 60 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Reichstag formula of July 19 on ice. Here the Hoffmann Junker Mogul locomotive is at- tached for the final sprint into Brest-Litovsk (the ancient German Bronx- Lithia), a famous winter-resort on the river Bug (the ancient German Processor) and the starting point for all military picnics in- to the interior of Russia. Numerous hotels on the Mittel-European plan. Rooms with salt-water baths from Black Sea, Caspian Sea, Gulf of Finland, etc., free. Boots left outside the door will be cleaned by Bolshe- viki, whose manners are not above reproach. Superfluous baggage, such as no annexa- tions, no indemnities, self-determination, etc., may be checked with the furnace man. Any- thing else the visitor sees and takes a fancy to may be had at the usual Maximalist rates, which is nothing. From Brest-Litovsk we may proceed by the celebrated Vacation Route to Riga, the capital of Courland. This province has two million inhabitants, of whom the vast ma- 61 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS jority, to the number of 10,000, are of Ger- man origin. The native Letts constitute an insignificant minority of 1,990,000 souls, chiefly engaged in paying taxes to the Ger- man majority. The journey is without inci- dent through a country of forests, lakes and depressed Russians, watching the passage of the train with mixed feelings, and an occa- sional hand-grenade. A short pause until the Trotzky engines have taken on the equivalent of several vol- umes the size of Webster's Unabridged, and the journey may be continued with the same degree of comfort to Wenden, the capital of Livonia, a thinly inhabited country because of the absorption of nearly all the food by the German barons. Proceeding thence we arrive at Rkval, the capital of Esthonia, with its famous Uni- versity of Dorpat (the ancient German Doormat, in reference to the independent spirit of its professors). While passing through the forests, the traveler is advised 62 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS not to stick his head out of the window be- cause of the prevalence of the Red Sniper, a difficult bird to run down, though his mate and young may be captured and hung with little trouble. From Reval the journey may be continued across the ice of the Gulf of Petrograd to Helsingfors, capital of Finland, the home of an excellent race of general houseworkers and cooks who henceforth are to be reserved for the exclusive service of Germany. This journey, formerly so arduous because of the sturdy and independent nature of the Finns, has been enormously facilitated by the Trot- zky ice-breakers which have broken the ice for the German tourist and by setting the inhabitants of Finland to shooting each other have created unlimited hotel accommoda- tions for the Teuton visitor. A short run from Brest-Litovsk across the Pripet marshes (the ancient German Phi- losophic) brings the traveler to Vilna (the ancient German WiIvHe:IvMina), capital of 63 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARLS Lithuania, a self-detorinined (ancient Ger- man suicimc) republic handed over to the Kaiser for safe-keeping by Trotzky, who im- mediately lost the receipt. But undoubtedly the most interesting^ and mstructive tour leadini^ out of Brest-Litovsk is that loading into the Ukraine (the ancient German Eucalyptus), a country endowed with a triple-expansion frontier, extending as the circumstances may require to the vicinity of Pango-Pango and Seattle. The Ukraine is the richest wheat-futures producing region on earth, the expression ^'Ukrainian grain" in Berlin being equiva- lent to the English "with a grain of salt," also known as little Russian wheat. With a Trotzky pilot engine clearing the way the German tourist has a smooth run into Kiev (^the ancient German Kiau-Chau), a busy metropolis where life is just one Rada after another. Captured by the Bolsheviki three times before the signing of peace and 64 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARTS seven times after, tlie inhabitants of Kiev rarely move from one assembly district into another without looking^ up in the papers whether they must vote for the Prussian Diet or the Moscow Soviet. Through all the tur- moil, however, the magnificent Dnieper has gone its own way, flowing from north to south in disregard of whoever is in charge of the railroad station and the telephone ex- change. From Kiev there are numerous delightful excursions to the Crimea, to the Volga, as well as personally conducted tours under Turkish guides to Armenia, second only in interest to the Chicago stock-yards. For complete details on touring in this region by the Trotzky system, write for the 23-volume booklet, ''Through Russia on Nothing a Day." Cable address "Trotz- bronx." 65 EXCURSION C Marching Through Russia. Grab your trusty bugle, Fritz, and sound the good old strain. Sing a song of self-defense, and give it to them plain. Strike the tune we put across at Rheims and at Louvain, As we go marching through Esthonia. Nun hoch! Und hoch! With Gott and T N T.! Nun hoch! Und hoch! Our flag so proud am Spree! Introducing bashful Slavs to Kultur's A. B. C, As we go marching through Courland. Hear the dirty mujik growl and hear the women cry, Hear the tow-heads in their cribs cheer our goose-step high. See the priests kowtowing in the house of our Ally, While we go marching through Little Russia, Nun hoch, etc. 66 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS "Hoffmann's gentle Junker boys will never be so rude." So the pretty Trotzky said, "If only I am good." Kiihlmann wiped a tear away and said he under- stood. So we go marching to Petrograd. Nun hoch, etc. See the Bolsheviki bolt and see the Shoviets shove. Sadly misinterpreting our Prussian ways of love. Shrinking from the Liege lamb and from the Dinant dove. As we go marching to the Urals. Nicht wahrf Ach ja! Behold our gallant hand, Now here, now there, defensively we stand, Building with our swords a wall for that dear Fath- erland, As we go marching to Vladivostok, Walla Walla, Hohokus and points east. 67 ROUTE 9. To Paris by' Way of the 75-Mile Gun. ROUTE 10. To Paris by Zeppelin, Albatross, Gotha, Fokker, etc., ROUTE II. To Paris by the P. P. P. P. (Peace Pigeon Parcel Post). See Route 13 "To Paris by way of Gott.'' 68 ROUTE 12 To Paris by Way of Amiens and Then Somme. One hundred miles in an indefinite number of years (circular ticket strongly recommended). The traveler will do best not to announce his exact destination in advance so as not to dis- appoint the folks at home eagerly w^aiting for pic- ture post-cards. Commutation for two months, 500,000 dead and wounded and epidemic of paral- ysis of vocal chords among editors, professors, etc., engaged in showing how everything is go- ing fine. From St. Quentin (the ancient German TsiNG-TAu), the train makes its way at ex- press speed in the general direction of west southwest by south. The important stations of Ham, Peronne, Bapaume, Roye and Las- signy are quickly passed. The traveler is about to put down his magazine with the fascinating serial "How to Learn to Think like Goethe for 10 Cents a Week/' prepara- 69 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS tory to getting one's luggage from the rack overhead, when there is a sharp grinding of brakes and the train slows up. The conductor now appears and announces that the direct road by way of Noyon and Lassigny is blocked by a wash-out on the line (the ancient German Foch-out) and that passengers will change for Montdidier and Amiens. We climb into the Von Hutier Local and settle down for a quiet run to the famous capital of Picardy, but just beyond Mont- didier the conductor announces a second Foch-out. Another hasty change of cars and we are switched on to the tracks of th^ Somme-Amiens Interurban, only to be brought to a stop within a dozen miles of Amiens by a third similar accident. While waiting for the train back to St. Quentin and a fresh start, the traveler lets his eye roam over the scene and recognizes, with more or less pleasure, the familiar French landscape. On the left are the rug- 70 MOSCOW ( Note : The author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of Moscow on the spot, the map below shows Moscow as it ought to be rather than as it is.) f L / r Cross • und-ntt'Aclmwal J von T!rplt2. Fount gin uptQU^rttermeiStcf^OenenaL ' Q _ __ Z]nLJLJULlDi''Kllj ziizinnnnnnL fttdmarschaU-und'lnfdnhrk'- fW Gtntrah Delivery v ort-^ L » ' » Crl^n Prince — — Hindenburj f^ I I X^ I Porcelain CoUection Museum m . -, , NX! i r 1 i ' ^ ' cm I I ;^ I Porcelain C nnnnkinf The great stretches of vacant space shown in the above plan were formerly occupied by public build- ings of various kinds. They were razed in order to supply Trotzky with plenty of room for gesticu- lation. 71 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS ged ridges of Petain. On the right stretch the winding trenches of Petain. Straight in front loom the forest masses of Petain. Here and there, however, the eye detects new features in the landscape which a closer observation reveals as an outcropping of Yankees (the ancient German Junkkrs), dominated by Mt. Pershing (the ancient German Pkrsona non grata). In the distance we catch a glimpse of the dim contours of Haig Ridge, with its sub- sidiary elevations, Anzac and Canuck (the ancient German Kangaroo and Vimy Kid). The same view confronts us as we return to St. Quentin and set out for Amiens once more by way of Arras, Hazebrouck and Ypres, so that the effect becomes distinctly monotonous. The impression is intensified as the train finally pulls in at Franco-British- American - Belgian - Portuguese - Australian - Canadian-Union Terminal. 72 EXCURSION D A Christian Carol "You are old, Father William,'* the Krown Prince remarked, "And your waist-line shows signs of distress; But a churchful of women at seventy miles Is a very good score, I confess." "Four years back, Friedrich Wilhelm," the Kaiser replied, "We began shooting girls by the lot; And thus by sub-caliber practice grew fit For this last striking tribute to Gott." "You are old. Father William," the Krown Prince, observed, "And your wind is not all it might be; Yet that little Slav tango you did at Litovsk Was a joy and a pleasure to see." "Four years back," said the monarch, and smiled on his heir, "I took up paper scraps as my line ; And the pieces from Belgium just made up a nice Little treaty for Mr. Lenine." 7Z LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS "You are old, Father William/' the Krown Prince declared, "Or at least you are well in your prime; And yet you're some distance away from Paree. Do you think you will get there in time?" "Now that," sobbed old William, "oh, pride of Verdun, Is just what I fear from the map. Though an expert at scrapping of papers, I'm not Quite up to the Foch kind of serap." 74 ROUTE 13 To Paris by Way of Gott Owing to the peculiar nature of the route pur- sued, specifications regarding distance and time schedules are difficult. All trains on this route, though diverging more or less, leave from the same station: Zum Guten Alten Gott (Telegraph address, '*Deutschgott-am-Spree"). Formerly God was the starting point employed by nearly all peoples of the earth, but by the Imperial Trust Law of 1870-71 (Jehovah-Sequestra- tions-und-Monopol-Gesetz) the name was changed from God to Gott, and the facilities restricted to the German people and those acting under special license from them, as for example, the Turks in Armenia. The tourist, having decided on his partic- ular route, applies to the managers of Gott- 75 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS Zentral-Bahnhof for his tickets, called, in German, carte blanche. Strictly speaking all the routes heretofore described in this little book fall under the supervision of the Gott Administration; notably the Lusitania route managed by Von Tirpitz under the direct su- pervision of Gott. We shall deal here, how- ever, with such routes as have not yet been described. The Zeppelin and Aeroplane Bombing Route (Gott I A) is really the only route by which the tourist may obtain a close view of Paris, even though it be only a bird-of- prey's-eye-view. The journey is almost in- variably undertaken by night, when women and children are in the habit of being asleep in Paris, as well as in Dover and Kent gen- erally. This is also the time when hospitals are at their quietest and results can be best observed. The 75-mile gun route (Gott X3) offers the tourist less satisfaction. He is deprived of the pleasure of personal contact with the 76 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS inhabitants of Paris and the effects of his trip must be taken more for granted. Also, because of the height of the trajectory, there is a sHght tendency to nausea. The Peace Pigeon Parcel Post (Gott B B 2) is to be recommended when all other routes are unavoidable, that is to say, when the railway routes we have described are blocked, when the 75-mile guns are sent back to Essen for repairs, when the Zep- pelins and Gothas are out of fuel, and when in general the communiques say that on the front there is nothing to report. At such times, while the German tourist population is recuperating for new victories (and new sacrifices) the Peace Pigeon route may prove useful. An interesting variety, just turned out by the Krupps, is the Tumbler Peace Pigeon (Gott K K 2), which appears over Paris and other places in the form of a Peace Dove, but somersaults in the air, and lets loose an incendiary bomb. 77 LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS As to the cost of getting to Paris by way of Gott it is possible to frame an estimate only on the basis of the well-known remark, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay." ?» CHRONOLOGY 1914. August I. — Tour begins — Wilhelm's heart bleeds for the first time — Belgians prepare to mas- sacre unsuspecting German tourists. August 4. — Trip halted by rail trouble at Liege. August 5-21. — Firing squad excursions through Belgium. August 22. — Documents at Brussels confirm Wil- helm's suspicions that he was right all along. August 28. — Wilhelm wins the war, first time. September 5. — Wilhelm prepares to win the war again on the Marne. September 10. — Gott breaks down on the Marne — Excursion to the Aisne. September 19, — Arrival at Przemysl — Visit to dentist. November 15.— Second visit to Ypres — Contemp- tible little British army grows positively dis- gusting. 1915. May I. — Wilhelm wins the war again in Galicia. — Bread ration cut at Berlin. May 7. — Gott redeems himself off Kinsale Head, Ireland. July 3. — Twenty-sixth bi-weekly aerial ascension by Ninety-Three Professors. 79 CHRONOLOGY Nov. lo. — Wilhelm wins war again in Servia — - Potato ration cut at Berlin. 1916. February 21. — Departure for Verdun — Wilhelm wins war. February 25. — No accommodations at Verdun under new Petain management — Douaumont Switchback inaugurated — Krown Prince takes up golf. July I. — Beginning of Somme sweepstakes. October 15. — Wilhelm wins war in Rumania — Berlin meat rations cut. 1917. January 31. — U-boat season begins — Bernstorff buys new typewriter. March 15. — Nicholas Romanoff peruses Help Wanted columns. April 6. — Blodsinnige Yankees get utterly out of hand and start touring on their own account. April 43. — Terrible anti-war insurrection in New York City. Dec. 24. — Trotzky finishes 171st paragraph and thirteenth stenographer. 1918. iMarch 21. — Wilhelm wins war at St. Quentin. June — . — Wilhelm inquires at public library for reliable descriptive guide-book to Paris. 80 INDEX Aa (river), 234. Abracadabra, see German Professor. Apremont (forest), see Abernit. Architecture, Krupp, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, etc. Bernstorfif, von, zu and aufwiedersehen ; see Papen, Boy-Ed, Albert, etc. Hissing, von, see Bill Sykes. Calais, terminus of the Ypres No Thoroughfare, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, etc. Czernin, see Was. Foch, see all over the place. Gott; see Wilhelm, Armenia, Krupp, Lusitania, Zeppelin, Hapsburg, see Perhapsburg. Hindenburg : born, 98; graduates from the Misses Jones's School for Girls, 121 ; publishes volume of sonnets in free verse, 432; settles in Greenwich Village, 433; removes to Przsazsxnyzs, 453; vacation on Somme, 543; reduces weight by tree-chopping. INDEX 545 ; predicts victory in letter to Inter- national Federation of Wurst Fabrica- tors, 654; idem to Amalgamated Dress- makers' Alumnae of Charlottenburg, 675 ; sells superfluous stock of iron nails to Vulcan Shipyards, 1865; takes up miniature painting, 4325. Joffre, see Moltke's Disease. Krown Prince: captures Verdun, 478; clock, vase and bath- tub collection, 13; heart-to-heart talk with father, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, etc.; congratu- lates Liebknecht, 897; enters Paris, 8965. Ludendorfif : predicts ends of war in 1918, page 156; by end of 1919, 543; end of 1920, 876; end of 1943, page 976; wins Vossische Zei- tung beauty contest, 198; expresses ad- miration for Krown Prince, 1133; re- ceives degree of Doctor of Humanities from University of Louvain, 839. Mame (river), see Union Terminal. Paris : Louvre, 838 ; Invalides, 976 ; Notre Dame, see Krupp; Moulin Rouge, 1097; Paquin's, see Fifth Avenue; Eiffel Tower, 1187; 82 INDEX see also English and French books on the subject by eye-witnesses. Pershing, John J. born in Alissouri, 187; dimensions of lower jaw, 196; of nose, 197; color of eyes, 198; mustache, 199; moves to a farm north- west of Toul, 201 ; pays off old Lafay- ette debt, passim. Tirpitz, see Good Gray Pirate. Trotzky : annexes Brandenburg and Bavaria, 784; joins Y. M. C. A., 876; brings tears to eyes of Ludendorff, 253; recommends Blump's cough drops for hoarse throat, 2, 4, 6, etc.; annexes Berlin and Ham- burg, 850; exhausts Russian vocabulary, 2, 4, 6, 8, etc. ; annexes Vienna and Constantinople, 537; gets seat on Bronx express, 5678. Verdun : receives Krown Prince with open arms, 478 ; captured from the east, 765; captured from the west, 908 ; captured from north, 1 109; captured from south, 1235; dream- picture by Krown Prince, see Cubist. Wilhelm, Emperor and King: favorite recreation, huntin_g, 109; favorite hero, Hunyadi, 187; favorite hymn. Old 83 INDEX Hundred, 298; favorite secret society, Hunchakists, 654; favorite motto, "Hunni soit qui mal y pense," 987; fav- orite musical piece, Hungarian Rape- sody, 1016; favorite city Hunnolulu, 1246; favorite fur, huntrimmed ermine, 191 1, • favorite companion, hunspeak- able Turk, 2007; favorite architecture, Gothic Remnants, 2346. Wilson, Woodrow, see America. S4