r* 4 # ♦ 4? V !)orumt jf tftietfj. Tnist not the honesty of any politician when he is out of power. The difference produced in the conduct of men by place and pension, gives us a painful picture of human nature, and shows how little to be trusted are all the fine declarations constantly made in favour of liberty and economy by those patriots who have not got a share of the loaves and fishes. Great sentimentalists are great blockheads. The same remark applies to those persons who in- dulge in giving you descriptions of fine scenery. &p!)ortgm ;ff tft^Cfjtrtr. The criticism in all the English language capable of inflicting most confusion and dismay upon its luckless author — next to the one written by Lord Brougham on Wordsworth's " Excursion/' — is that which either he or Mr. Jeffrey penned in the Edinburgh Review against Byron's Hours of Idleness. The sapient critic counsels him " that he do forthwith abandon poetry, and turn his talents to better account." He further assures him " that a certain portion of liveli- 23 ness, somewhat of fancy, is necessary to constitute a poem," — meaning, of course, that he who in a short time was to astonish the world by the splendour of his powers, and prove himself one of the greatest poets of modern times, was deficient in these qualities. It was fortunate for English literature that Byron had a good spice of the Evil One in his composition. Had he been a timid creature, like Keats or Kirke White, he would have struck his colours, followed the critic's advice, and the world would thus have been deprived of " Harold," " Lara," and other immortal works. apjotfcm Jf tft^jfourtfj. Those who are most ardently solicitous of obtaining praise, and make the greatest efforts to attain it, are generally less successful than those who give them- selves no trouble about the matter. The latter often do unconsciously what procures this kind of incense ; while the extreme care and anxiety of the former veiy frequently defeat the purpose they have in view, — so perversely do people refuse a man what he longs for, and give him what he is indifferent about. &pf)orumt jf tftiKif tftl). For meats, there is no fork equal to a steel one, although it must be allowed that the silver fork is 24 decidedly preferable when there is fish in the case. Talking of steel forks (begging Theodore Hook's par- don), I cannot help thinking that any man who affects a detestation of these useful implements, and pretends that on no account can he use them in discussing his victuals, is a conceited prig. There are some persons whose wrath is felt to be formidable, and excites respect, even when grounded upon no rational provocation. There are others, in whom the display of this passion, though ever so justi- fiable, only gives rise to laughter, and is felt to be utterly ridiculous. Nor does this necessarily depend upon the appearance and physical strength of the indi- vidual, for I have seen strong men whose anger, like that of a child's, was matter of derision, and excited neither respect nor fear ; while that of others, weak in body and insignificant in aspect, was at once acknow- ledged to impress the spectators with both feelings, and to inspire them with emotions of involuntary respect. All this depends upon the force of the individual's character. A dwarf with a great share of such energy may excite more respect than a giant who is destitute of it. Had Frederick the Great moved in ordinary life, the unimposing slightness of his appearance would 25 not have stood in the way of making his resentments be powerfully felt. It is owing to such causes that there are some men whom people are indifferent about angering, and others whom they would not offend for almost any consideration. No man of a less intellectual calibre than Sir Isaac Newton or Laplace is entitled to be absent in company. Some blockheads affect mental abstraction for the pur- pose of being thought men of genius. Eloquent men should never be made members of parliament. There is naturally so much depravity in the human heart, and so little wisdom in the human head, that those who possess the gift of eloquence are just as likely to employ it in the cause of mischief as in that of good. What portion of benefit did this na- tion ever derive from the eloquence of Canning and many others ? A well-made woman always looks ill in a man's dress, while she who in such a costume appears to ad- vantage is necessarily ill-made. 26 ^tjorfem g>txttetf). Arguers and spouters are invariably asses. &pfjorism SbixtfrjFixift. Talking of spouting puts me in mind of an abomin- able habit some parents have got of making Tommy or Billy get up and recite some favourite piece of decla- mation, such as " The Pet Lamb/' " Lochiel's Warn- ing," or " Lochinvar." You are obliged to listen to and praise the little urchins, while you are heartily wishing them and their rhetoric at the bottom of the Red Sea. ^pjortsm Sixtg^Secotttr. Never open letters addressed to your children, unless you have reason to suspect that they contain some- thing improper. This practice is not only in itself hurtful to that proper pride which should always be encouraged in young people, but it teaches them dis- honourable habits; for how can children respect the sacredness due to a sealed letter, when they see it violated by their own parents. People look taller in surtouts than in coats; on which account little men should patronise the former. 27 £p!)oritxt£=lSf(ttt!). If a man in the middle ranks, and in good circum- stances, sports shabby toggery, you may pronounce him a conceited coxcomb. He evidently thinks himself a man of talent, and imagines that on this account he is entitled to dress differently from the rest of his caste. &p!)orfem SbzUntittfj. These imaginary geniuses are great bores. Young 29 men who, for the first time in their lives, have suc- ceeded in obtaining a college prize, or in getting admittance into a magazine, are apt to conceive them- selves something better than small beer ; and on the strength of their supposed accomplishments consider themselves justified in appearing among decent com- pany with an old coat, a dirty shirt, and probably patched inexpressibles ; to say nothing of the privilege they claim of being very listless and absent, of sighing, looking vastly melancholy and interesting, and perhaps of falling asleep during the music. &pf)ott<3m §btbtnt&jFix*t The most difficult thing in the world is to talk good nonsense. No person can do it but one of first-rate ability. The nonsense of a man of genius is better than other people's sense. A man may live fifty years without talking a particle of nonsense, and yet be a blockhead. Indeed, a man who never talks nonsense is more likely to be a block- head than one who occasionally does. &pjotfem gtebetttfisffi&ittr. A person who dislikes cards, backgammon, chess, 30 draughts, &c. should never learn these games. If he is known to be able to take a hand at them he will often have to do so for the purpose of obliging others and discommoding himself. On the contrary, by being in a state of blessed ignorance with regard to them, he can always escape the annoyance. For the above reason, I have studiously avoided acquiring a know- ledge of whist : gaming, either for love or money, is what I could never tolerate. Next to the braying of an ass, the most abominable sound uttered by any animal is the scream of the peacock. Well has BufFon described this creature as having the beauty of an angel, the voice of a devil, and the guts of a thief. &pf)ottsm Sebentg^if tftfj. At a dinner party, always endeavour to seat yourself close to the landlord, as you thus avoid carving. A place alongside the landlady is dangerous, especially if she has a couple of fowls placed before her. &pf)orism g>ebettt^g>txtj). When you cannot manage to ensconce yourself next the landlord, try and fix upon a place opposite to which 31 there is nothing which requires to be carved or helped out. If you are unable altogether to escape scot-free, you may take up a position vis-a-vis to a dish of potatoes or cauliflower, the serving of which will not materially interfere with your masticatory operations. P. S. Try if possible to avoid being placed between two ladies. &plj0ttgttt Sbebentg^bentf), Mankind have been for ages in raptures with the Venus di Medici, on account of its exquisite beauty and proportion ; and yet the head of this famous statue is so small that its owner, if alive, could not have possessed average intellect. Surely this is a defect, for though we never can conceive Venus in the light of a sage, it is hardly consistent to regard her as a fool. The Immortal Gods, we suspect, entertained a different opinion of the Queen of Beauty. She was more rogue than fool. &pf)ortsm Sebentg-BtgDtfj- There is no solitude like that of a great city, and the greater the city is, the greater the solitude. You may live in Paris or London for twenty years, and yet not know, nor be known by, your next-door neighbour. This is delightful, and most unlike the vile gossip of 32 small towns, where every one is known by every body, and where the most trivial circumstances are pryed into with annoying curiosity. A great town enlarges, a small one contracts the mind. In the former you can have either society or solitude, as you desire it ; in the latter, you can often have neither. &pfjorfent S?ebentg=#mtf). Men should never salute their wives before third persons. I mention this, as I have more than once had occasion to witness this foolish practice. Indeed, all demonstrations of love should be avoided in the pre- sence of others, as they only render the parties ridi- culous. apfjorfem m ne i^utttrretr atttr Sebenteentf). It was a good remark of Swift's, that a man was too proud to be vain. Vanity and pride are the moral antipodes of each other: there is not the slightest affinity between them. A really proud man has such a high opinion of himself, as to be indifferent about what others think of him : a vain man has such mis- givings about himself, that he is constantly on the qui vive for approbation, and for ever doing what he con- ceives will procure it. &pf)orfem <&nz ^utttraSr antr <&i%%\nxi\% It is a terrible thing for a man to have the reputa- tation of being a good carver. The sooner he gets rid of such fame, the better for his own comfort, &pf)orfem <®nz ^utfisxtis ants j^ttteteentl). When a physician pronounces a complaint to be nervous, it is a sure proof that he knows nothing about it. The term nervous, as applied to diseases, is merely a cloak for ignorance. P. S. This word is often strangely applied to condi- tions entirely different. A nervous man is either one 44 of great weakness and irritability, or great strength. Nothing is more common than to hear of a nervous arm, i. e. an arm of a sinewy and powerful make. Epfjortsm <£ne p^utrtrretr antr Ctoenttetf). It is impossible to judge of the benevolence of a man's heart, by the sums he publicly gives for charitable purposes. In such cases, charity generally proceeds from mere ostentation, and not a farthing would be given, were it not made known from whence it came. On this account, when collecting money for any benevolent purpose, it is a capital plan to publish the names of the donors. The truly charitable man is he who does good in private. Such a man almost blushes when his deeds of benevolence become known. I have known men who were as hard as flint, and who, during their lifetime, never gave sixpence to the poor, yet leave in their wills hundreds or thousands to charitable purposes. This does not deserve the name of charity : it is nothing but idle ostentation, though, it must be allowed, a very useful species of it. &pf)orism <£ne p^utttrretr antr ffifoetrtgsjf irst The best way to irritate a scold, is never to answer her, but let her spin out her yarn till it is exhausted. 45 %L$f)ovimx #ne pjuntrretr antr Cfoentg-Secontr. Another good method is to agree with her in all she says, even when she abuses you. Scolds live upon contradiction, while acquiescence in their vituperation is sure to break their hearts. &P$omm ©tie p£tmtrretr antr Ctoentg^fjittr. Smollett ought never to be forgiven for making Roderick Random red-haired. A hero with carrotty locks is too much of a joke. &pf)orfem #ne f^untrtetr antr ©toentg^if ourtf). There is not a more insufferable animal than a phleg- matic man or woman. I would far rather associate with a person who had a good share of devilry in his or her composition, than with such a biped. A phleg- matic person is invariably dull, insipid, and selfish, and a most consummate bore. * &pt)orfem <®ne f^untrretr antr €totn\&jfiftf). A man who practises pistol-shooting, for the purpose of making himself formidable as a duellist, is uniformly an arrant coward. No person should answer the challenge of a miscreant of this description. The proper way to treat him, if he sends or provokes a challenge, is to kick him soundly, or tweak his sneezer. 46 One of the greatest bores I know of, is a person who speaks very slow, and takes a long time to express his ideas. The annoyance is the greater, because such people, in addition to their provoking tardiness of articulation, are almost uniformly great anecdote- mongers. The worst company a man can meet with, is a proser of this description. ®$f)Qvim 0nt %fyuritivtft antr ftfcoentg=£ebetttfj. The difference between Whigs and Tories, is a very simple one. When the Whigs get into power, they are Tories : when the Tories are sent to the right about, they become Whigs. Should the Radicals get in, they will doubtless turn as staunch Tories as the others. ^pfjorfem <©ne f^utrtiretr ants CtoentS'lStgfjtj). A hint to boarding-school people. When you wish your pupils to write to their parents, let them trust to their own brains for the materials of the letters. It is a common practice for the master or mistress to draw out copies for them, in which are sapiently set forth the happiness of the youngsters — how much they like their situation, and what marvellous progress they are making in their studies. Any system of education 47 which directly or indirectly inculcates what is not true, must be bad ; and that such epistles must often abound in untruths, who can for a moment doubt ? &p5o?fettt #ne ptutttrreir antr Ctoents^tntf). Women have less active, but more passive courage than men. Surgeons are well aware, that though it is much easier to make a man submit to an operation, yet, that generally speaking, he does not bear it with so much fortitude as a woman. Indeed, women endure all kind of misfortunes (except love ones) better than the other sex. gtyljorfem ©tie f^utrtrretr atttr ©jjtrtietf). English residents in Paris have an absurd habit of abusing the natives, and every thing connected with that capital. The folly of the thing is the greater, because the fact of their staying in the French metro- polis, proves that they are mightily pleased with it ; but, I suppose, John Bull imagines he shows his loyalty by growling at other nations. EpDortsm <&xit f^utrtrretr anft Cfjirtg^if tat. Dull, stupid people have an instinctive abhorrence of mimicry and wit. The cause is obvious ; they are afraid of being made the butts of these pleasant qualities. 48 Blockheads are exceedingly afraid of being quizzed, and cannot tolerate the slightest joke at their own expense. &p!)ortettt <&nz p^nntrretr antr Cfjtrtg^contr. I never knew an Englishman who would allow the Louvre to be superior to Somerset House, or a French- man who would acknowledge St. Paul's to be a nobler fabric than the church of St. Genevieve. This is ex- tremely philosophical, and indicates profound candour and patriotism. ^pfjotism #ne ^utttrretr antr ®f)trts-&f)trtr. The richest piece of humour in the English language is the entertainment after the manner of the ancients, as related in Peregrine Pickle. Fielding, Swift, Scott, Rabelais or Cervantes, never produced any thing so exquisitely laughable and ludicrous. &ptj0ttsm #ne f%untrretr antr Cljtrtg^ff ourtfj. People have a strange habit of making their neigh- bours older, and themselves younger than they are. &p!)orfem <®ne f^tnrtrretr antr Cfnrtg^jf tftfj. Talking of age, the longer women live the younger they grow. I know ladies who, six years ago, rated at 49 thirty-five, and who now stand at twenty-nine. It is next to impossible for a woman to get over forty. This is the pons asinorum at which the sex almost invariably stick. The only person I ever met with, who confessed that she had passed this barrier, was an old lady of eighty ; but, then, her great grandson was a lad of eighteen. &pfjorfem <&rtz p^utttrtetr antr €f)trtg'g?txtf). The English country inns are notorious for bad breakfasts. Indeed, the English, as a nation, are not famous for their dejeuners. The strength of the national genius is concentrated upon their dinners, in which, it must be allowed, they exhibit great talent, whether in the cooking or masticatory department, For break- fasts, the Scotch beat the English all to nothing : there is no such thing as a bad breakfast to be procured, for love or money, in any inn throughout the whole Land of Cakes. Sam Johnson never made a wiser observa- tion, or spoke with greater gusto, than when he de- clared, that wherever he dined, he should like to break- fast in Scotland. This was genuine philosophy. &p!jorism <©tte J^untrretr antr &f)trtg-S?ebetttJJ. Noisy children are dreadful bores. There are some houses which cannot be visited without disgust, in 50 consequence of a set of ungovernable brats, who are permitted by their stupid parents, to romp and bawl about the room, to the infinite annoyance of visitors. For this there is no excuse whatever. By proper edu- cation, a child above a certain age, may be taught to remain perfectly quiet in the presence of strangers ; and unless they are of that age, it is absurd to introduce them at all. A man cannot possibly insult a visitor more, than by permitting him to be disturbed by his children. In consequence of such an annoyance, I have more than once been obliged to quit houses where so impertinent a system is permitted. People should remember, that however amusing to them the romping of their offspring may be, it is most annoying to others. &pf)ortsm <&ne ^tmforetr arils &1)trtg:=<$tg!)tfj. Men who sport tights, either have, or imagine they have, good limbs. This may be received as an incon- trovertible fact. &pfjortsm <©ne i§untrretr antr €f)trtg=jftintt). For the same reason, ladies with good ancles (real or supposed) are fond of wearing short petticoats. If you see a woman whose petticoats are invariably long — fashion or no fashion — you may depend upon it that her ancles are thick. 51 apSorfem #ne £§unto& anfr jf ortfetj). Brandy or gin for a dram, rum for gxog or punch, and whisky for hot toddy. Such are the forms in which these illustrious liquors appear to most advantage. ^pfjortsm (Bnt Hutttrretr atntr Jf orlg-jf trst. Persons whose countenances are lighted up by a habitual smile, are, generally speaking, bad tempered and hypocritical. ftpjorfam <©ne f^unfrretr antr ,jf ortg^ecotttr. A bad custom at present prevails, of introducing toasted cheese before the dessert. This system should be exploded. I often wonder what wiseacre has the merit of introducing these absurd fashions. &pl)orfem <©ne f^utrtwtr antr jfortg^Mjtttr. Should an officer on board ship give a man a glass of grog, the latter will, if he possibly can, get drunk: he makes a point of it. Being brought to trial for the same, he invariably calculates upon getting off, by pleading that he got tipsy upon his superior's generosity. &p!)orfem <©tte i^utitrtetr snfr if ortg-;jf ourtl). If your umbrella is wet, do not unfurl it for the purpose of drying it more rapidly. If you do, the 52 whalebones acquire a particular set, which it is almost impossible to obviate : they become permanently bent, in consequence of the contraction of the cloth while drying, and give the umbrella, when furled, a bulging and unseemly appearance. &pf)ortsm <©ne Prutttrretr antr ;jf orts^fFtftl). The best wigs are those made in Great Britain: they beat the French and German ones all to sticks. This is worth remarking, as the former, with their usual vanity, claim pre-eminence over us in the manufacture of perukes. &pf)orfem 0nt f^untrretr antr jfovt&&ixti). You may form a pretty shrewd guess of a man's character, by the dogs he keeps. An admirer of spaniels is generally a fawning creature ; of bull dogs, a blunt honest fellow, rather too fond of quarrelling and fighting ; of poodles, a ninny ; and so on. &pfjorism (Bnt p^utrtrretr avto Jf ott^Sebetttf). Talking of dogs, it is truly disgusting to see the scandalous manner in which some ladies pamper those nasty good-for-nothing little wretches, called lap-dogs. I never see one of these quadrupeds chafing itself on 53 the rug, without feeling strongly inclined to Burke it on the spot, Styjorfem <®nt i^utttrretr awtr jfotte-iBtgJtft. Education improves some poets, and spoils others. Campbell could never have produced such exquisite works as he has done, had he not been thoroughly educated — nor could Byron. Scott, without education, could have done in the poetical department, all that he has accomplished. Burns had just enough of educa- tion—more would have spoiled him ; the same remark applies to Hogg, whose poems, had he possessed the training of Pope or Dryden, would have been veiy different, and very inferior works to what they are at present. The prose of the Shepherd, however, would have been all the better of a little schooling. &pf)ortsm ©tie f^utttrtetr atttr ^ nrtg^Ntntfj. A well-made woman is always a little in-kneed. In proof of this, it is only necessary to refer to the Venus di Medici. &pf)crfem <®nt f^untrretr antr jf tfttetj). If your castor is drenched, brush it well with a soft brush, and hang it up. When dry, it will be found little the worse of the ducking ; whereas, if you allow 54 it to dry without previously brushing it, the down becomes ruffled to a degree which it is difficult to overcome, and the hat is thus materially injured. &pf)0rism #ne ^untrretr amft if tftg-jf trst. The best tailors in Europe are Germans. The mighty Stultze, who, it is said, commands an army of 340 snips, is a native of Allemania. ^pfjorfem <®nz $§uvfoxz& antr ;jf tftg^econtr. A tailor who can make gaiters well, is up to any thing in his profession. To fabricate these trivial articles perfectly, is the highest triumph of skill. Inexpressibles are mere child's play to them — waist- coats are not worth naming in the same breath ; and even a coat is a matter of moonshine. The best pair of gaiters I ever had, were made by a regimental tailor, who, by the bye, was a notorious drunkard. Some blockheads affect to hold cheap the talents of the Duke of Wellington, because he is merely (as they allege,) a great general. Even allowing him to be nothing more, the fact of his being so, indicates a mind of a very high order. To constitute a truly great commander, requires an extraordinary union of many 55 of the highest qualities ; and if the person possessing these is not gifted with first-rate talents, I should like to know who is. I have met with some poor creatures who were utterly incapable of reasoning consecutively upon the commonest subject, and who yet conceived, that with a little military experience, they would be quite able to rival the achievements of the illustrious Duke. &p!jortsnt ixttetfj. In travelling, especially on the continent, take a carpet bag with you, instead of a portmanteau. The latter subjects you to a great deal of trouble, and some expense, the former to little of either. This is a hint worth attending to. &j>5orfem ©ns p^untrretr antr $txtfi*dFit8t The most magnificent of puppies was Alcibiades. atptjortsm #ne ^tmtrtetr antr £iitg=£>scotttr. Stupid people are very unreasonable. They are surprised at men of genius differing from themselves in their modes of thinking ; and affect great amazement and indignation at that peculiarity of manner and occasional eccentricity which are apt to characterize great and original intellects. What would the block- heads have ? Do they imagine that genius is always D 58 to manifest itself after the humdrum, gin-horse fashion of their own dull minds. The expectation is absurd. They can neither think, feel, nor act after the fashion of talented people, and it is too much to suppose that the latter can do so after theirs. There cannot be a surer mark of great self-conceit and importance than egotism. Those who, in writing or speaking, make a frequent use of the personal pro- noun " I," have invariably an immense opinion of them- selves, and are passionately fond of adulation. &pf)orfew <®tte f^unirretr atrtr J&ixtfcif ourtfj. An absurd name is a great misfortune. No human being could respect people bearing such appellatives, as Timothy Sheepshanks, Jeremy Snooks, or Obadiah Spiderlimb ; nor is it possible to conceive the idea of a man falling in love with Miss Grizzel Ramsbottom, or Miss Sabrina Budge, however amiable, beautiful, or accomplished these ladies might be. Parents should, as far as they are able, avoid entailing such a curse upon their offspring. This, as regards Christian names, is in their power. And yet how often do we meet with Tabithas, Dorothys, Deborahs, Jonathans, Gama- liels, Zephaniahs, and others equally ludicrous. 59 &p5oristtt <&nz p^utrtrretr antr g>ixt$*dfiftf). For an opposite reason, people may congratulate themselves, when they do not bear the names of illustrious characters. • It is dangerous for any man to be called William Shakspeare, Isaac Newton, or Walter Scott. " Comparisons are odious." &P$orfem <©tte f^untrretr atrtr S>ixts^S>txtB* Every benevolent heart must be gratified at meeting with an insolent and careless shopkeeper. It is a sure proof that the worthy man is in the fair way of making a fortune. The same remark applies to innkeepers. &pf)orfettt 0m pjuntrretr antr Stxtg^ebentj. The most purely intellectual of men — he who had least of the grossness of human nature — was un- doubtedly Plato. Slftorfem <&nt ^untrretr attir &ixtfc<&igfit% The best ice creams, are those flavoured with straw- berries. Styfjorumt <©ns gtittirrelr attir Stxts^ttttj. Naturalists have now agreed to post the lion and eagle as cowards. The bravest animals in existence are the bull-dog and game-cock. 60 ajjorfem <®ne f^untrretr antr gebenttetfj. Those who are indifferent about tea, pay: their devo- tions to something stronger. 8$jorfem #ne ^tmtrretr atrtr £ebentg*jf (rat The most absurdly punctuated book in the English, or, perhaps, in any other language, is Chalmers Caledonia, — a work, nevertheless, of vast learning, acuteness, and research. &pf)orfem #ne f^utrtrrrtr atrtr Sebentg^ecotttr. A great deal of what is called wit, comes under the head of impertinence. Of this description are most of the witticisms attributed — I hope, falsely — to Erskine, Curran, John Clerk, and other noted barristers. &pl)orfem (But ^utrtrreir atttr ^ebentfi-CStrtr. Great linguists are, for the most part, great block- heads. I say nothing of Sir William Jones, the Ad- mirable Crichton, and other exceptions to the rule ; but, generally speaking, what I state holds true. To master a variety of languages, requires only one talent, and that by no means a high one, viz. a good verbal memory, which is sometimes possessed in great perfec- tion, even by simpletons and idiots. It is difficult for men of very strong and original minds, to become good 61 linguists ; they are so much taken up with substanti- alities, that they think little about words. Res, non verba, quceso, is their motto. The knowledge of a number of languages does not communicate a single new idea; it only gives the power of expressing what you already know, in a variety of ways. " I would rather," as Spurzheim says, " acquire one new idea than twenty ways of expressing an old one." If men of great genius are occasionally formidable as linguists, they are so in spite of their genius, which rather stands in their way than assists them ; and they would have been still greater linguists, if they had possessed their powerful verbal memory accompanied with less original talent. gtyfjorfam ©tte f^untrretr ants Setentg- jf tmrtf). A man who is a notorious rake, is not the least likely to find favour in the eyes of many women. The novelists of the last century did great mischief by the flattering pictures they drew of rakism. What were Joseph Andrews, Roderick Random, Tom Jones, Peregrine Pickle, and many of the heroes of the novels, but notorious debauchees ? There can be little doubt, that from such sources arose the popular, but most false notion, of a reformed rake making the best husband. 62 flpjorfcm ©tte ^untrreir antr &tbtntfrjf iffy. An unaccountable mystery hangs over the stature of the Duke of Wellington. I never knew two persons who gave the same account of his Grace's height. I have heard him estimated at all heights, from five feet six, to five feet eleven. There are some things, seemingly very simple, which it is impossible to establish : this is one of them ; and future historians will, doubtless, go to loggerheads about the stature of the modern Caesar. &pf)ort$mt (But pjutttrretr att& &tbtntt>zg:ixt% Ossian's Poems are a mystery. I do not mean as regards their authenticity, for that point I consider settled, but as regards their merits. I never met a grown man who could form an opinion upon the subject. Like the Duke of Wellingtons stature, the point must, I suspect, remain for ever unascertained. Spjotfem <£ne f^tmtrretr antr Sebentg^ebentJ. If you have a young dog take care that he gains the first two or three battles that he fights. This is easily done by matching him with a weaker dog than himself. If he is licked in his first encounters, he loses confi- dence ever after, and the chances are that as a " fighting man " he becomes good for nothing. Dog fighting, however, is a brutal thing, at best. 63 Don t coiTect or scold your children before third parties. If they have any pride or feeling at all, the exposure breaks their hearts, and they become good for nothing. The same remark applies to domestics. &pDorfem <©tte f^untrretr antr Sebettt^Nuttij. An affected man is a very disgusting animal, espe- cially if his affectation be of the effeminate or senti- mental kind. This species of puppyism is more intol- erable than absolute boorishness, and the individual who practices it is uniformly a poor sickly-minded creature. ^pfjorfem <®tte f^unUretr attir <£t0f)ttetf). Every person should endeavour to ascertain whether he has any particular hobby. Having found out what it is, let him be careful of indulging in it before others, as, in all probability, the subject will be voted a bore. &pf)orfem <©tte l^untrretr anXr HigfytfcjFixtt Men who are in-kneed, bandy, or otherwise ill made about the legs, should wear wide trowsers, which serve to conceal their defects. I give this advice, as many persons so circumstanced have an absurd custom of sporting tights. 64 &pf)orfew <&nt Hutttrretr atrtr Sigtjtg^beconlr. Some of the best leapers to be met with are weavers. They are loose, supple-jointed fellows, and often get over the ground amazingly. Ploughmen as a body, are bad jumpers, while shepherds are capital at this exercise. &pf)0Tfem ©tte f^utrtrretr antr 3£ig$tg'ffi&trtr. First-rate far leapers are often indifferent at high leaping. Ex. Gr. Professor Wilson, who in the for- mer capacity stood almost unrivalled, having, in his youthful days, done twenty-three feet upon a dead level — a prodigious effort — was not particularly good at high leaping : and Mr. Ingleby, who, as a high leaper, approached to within three or four inches of Ireland himself, was indifferent at far leaping. Ireland, how- ever, was an exception to the general rule, being equally good at both. &pfjorfem <®tte i^untrttfr atrtr lEigtjtgsjf outtfj. First-rate leapers — by which is to be understood men who will do twenty-one feet and upwards — are invariably tall men, ranging from six feet to six feet three. Perhaps, there is not an instance on record of a middle sized man doing twenty-one feet and a half. A friend of mine, whose stature does not exceed five 65 feet eight, has accomplished seven yards on a level, but then he was allowed to be the best jumper, of any size, along the borders, and never was beaten. Twenty feet, for any stature, is a great performance ; for an ordinary-sized man it is immense, apflorfem <©ne f^untrretr antr ifctgfjtg^df tftf). The most prudent woman in other respects, is frequently a fool as regards matrimony. How often do we see the most beautiful and accomplished of the sex uniting themselves to stupid, ill-favoured, and illiterate blockheads ? Rather than not be married at all, it is impossible to say who some women will not take. &p5ortsm #ne J^untrretr antr i£tgf)t^g>txtf}. The worst carvers are medical men. We should expect the contrary. &pf)orfem <©ne f^ttntrtetr antr CECgJjtg^ebentf). Persons who are very finical and dainty, have invariably gross imaginations. This is a remark of Dean Swift's, who was himself one of. the cleanliest men that ever existed. apjottom <®ne f^untrretr anfc IStgljtg'lStgtJtf). " Love me, love my dog." I'll be hanged if I do. D 2 66 &pf)ortf)ortsm (But pjutrtrrefc antr jMnetg'SecoTuX The love for children is a primitive faculty of the 67 mind, and distinct from general benevolence. A per- son may possess the first without having much of the second, and may thus have far more affection for young people than for adults. Children have an intuitive perception of such people, and flock to them as especial favourites. The greatest musical composers in the world are the Germans ; the best singers, and performers on musical instruments, the Italians. &p5orfem (But ^untrretr mttr Htnetg^ ourtf). Dignity is extremely ridiculous when assumed by a little man. None are entitled to sport it but such as are at least six feet high, and weigh fifteen stones, or upwards. If a clergyman is appointed to a country parish in Scotland, and wishes to become unpopular with the congregation, the best way to accomplish his purpose is to read his sermons. &pf)ortem <©ne Htmtrreir antr gHmtfrSbixtft. The impudence of some people is beyond belief. If they wish information upon any subject, they do not scruple to ask it by means of post letters, which they never think of paying. The remedy is easy. Return their letters under an envelope. You have thus the satisfaction of putting them to the expense of a double postage. P. S. Talking of letters, I may take notice of a piece of impertinence frequently practised. If a man's wife is confined, or if he loses a child, he must needs inform — not his relations merely — but all his acquaintances of the same by means of post letters, unpaid, as above. The impertinence of such a step speaks volumes. &p8orfem ©tie ?|untrte& atttr &Mtuzg>z\mxt$. Of all dandies the most disgusting is an ugly one. Puppyism, to be endurable, requires, at least, good looks ; although it must be remarked, that the gener- ality of the breed are remarkable for the contrary. ^?5ortem ©ne ?§utrtrretr anir Ntnetg^StgtjtJ). Persons who interlard their conversation with French, Italian, or Spanish phrases, are vain, shallow, conceited creatures. The same remark does not exactly apply to Greek or Latin. I have known some 69 strong minded and really learned men employ these languages in familiar intercourse, although even in their case I have always heen forced to come to the conclu- sion that they were pedants. apfjorfem #ne f^untrretr antr jfttttetg^jlttttf). I never met with any person who could tell me the difference between a pie and a tart. When they say that a pie is made of meat and a tart of fruit, I always stagger them with an apple-pie. Driven to their shifts, they are obliged to say that an apple-pie is not a pie at all, but a tart. This subterfuge I knock on the head by repeating the nursery rhymes : " A is an apple-pie, B baked it, C cut it, D divided it;" And so on. If they resist this, I bring Jack Horner into the field : " Little Jack Homer Sat in a corner, Eating his Christmas-pie ; He put in his thumb And pulled out a plumb, Then said, ' What a good boy am I !'" This evidence is irresistible, and compels them to admit, in spite of their conviction to the contrary, that a pie and a tart are identical. 70 Good singers are often alarmingly ugly, and have generally large mouths. I never knew a small-mouthed man or woman whose singing was worth the toss of a farthing. Always suspect a man's honesty who is constantly talking about his strict honour, hatred of meanness and knavery. In like manner, the virtue of a great prude may be safely called in question : ditto the religion of those who are for ever harping upon this subject. &*)f)orfem Ctoo ^utrtrretr mttr g>econtr. When an unmarried lady becomes all of a sudden extremely devout, and runs after popular preachers, we may infer, without any great stretch of uncharitableness, that she has given up all hopes of matrimony. &pf)ori8m Ctoo l^tmtrretr mrtr Cfurtr. Short dumpy women wear their heads dressed very high, and are partial to lofty combs. &pDorfem Ctoo J^untrretr antr jFourtl). If you hear a man pretending to be very stupid, depend upon it he thinks himself a very clever fellow. 71 ®$f>Qvi$m Cfoo Hutitrretr ants jfifti). Great travellers are often great liars ; and the enor- mity of their lies depends very much upon the distance of the country in which they have travelled. The bouncers of a man who has not gone farther than France or Switzerland are small affairs not worth minding. Those of one who has proceeded the length of Spain or Russia are rather better. They become better still if he has visited the Levant ; and rise into considerable respectability when his peregrinations have extended to Egypt, or Turkey in Asia. South American travellers are entitled to great merit on account of the colossal character of their lies ; they are really admir- able, and do their authors the highest credit. A number of capital ones might be told about that land of mystery, Paraguay, and its mysterious ruler Dr. Francia. After all, however, there are no liars like the East Indian. Hindostan is, par excellence, the region of the long bow — the land of fiction. It is not, there- fore, to be expected that travellers in other countries can compete with those who have visited India : the expectation is quite unreasonable. &$)ortsm Ctoo f^utrtrretr atttr Stxtfj. Persons of strong talent have almost invariably large nostrils. Merely clever or smart people may have 72 them small, but very seldom, indeed, those of powerful and very masculine minds. &p5orfem &too f^untrretr atttr ^zbtrttfj. If you ever are absurd enough to quarrel or get into an argument with any person, let it never be upon politics or religion. &pfjorfem Cfoo f^utttrretr atttr SStgfjtlj. The surest mark of a superior, or generally informed man, is when you cannot discover by conversation the calling or profession to which he belongs. A man who has had good opportunities of being well educated, and who, nevertheless, is always betraying his profession by his talk, has never an intellect of a high order. A real gentleman never speaks of his profession, unless the subject is introduced by others. &pfjorfem ©too p^utttrretr antr J^intf). Law and poetry are incompatible. A man cannot at once be a good lawyer and good poet. The rule, however, does not extend to the other learned profes- sions. Some of our great divines and physicians have been excellent poets. Mason Good, one of the greatest physicians in the world, was a man of fine imagination, and excelled in poetry ; and every body 73 knows of Garth, Arbuthnot, Armstrong, and various others. Among divines, need we mention the distin- guished names of Crabbe, Young, Heber, and Bowles. atyfjorfem Cfoo ^utrtrrrtr actttr Cetttfj. It is death to hint even to the ugliest woman that she is not good-looking. gpfjotfem Ctoo J^untrretr atrtr «£IebentS. Persons with small, fine compressed lips, have gene- rally much sensitiveness of character, accompanied with great irritability, and a tendency to be finical and par- ticular. &pf)orfem Ctoo f^untrretr antr Cfoetftf). When you hear people constantly talking about politeness, vulgarity, gentility, and so forth, depend upon it they belong to the profanum vulgus. A real lady or gentleman seldom or never talks about these things. It is only to the would-be-genteel that the terms are familiar. For the same reason a really brave man never talks of his courage : this he leaves to the coward or him who has none of it. &pf)otfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr antr CJirteentJ. It is a good plan to accept invitations from rich vul- 74 gar people. Though their society may not possess the quintessence of elegance and refinement, you are cer- tain to get an excellent dinner, which is always the great look-out among all men of sense and good taste. &pf)orfem Ctoo f^unirretr amtr jfouvtzznty. Don't, however, accept of an invitation from any vulgar person who deems himself extremely genteel. If you do, you are sure to be starved, for these would- be-genteel folks consider it fashionable not to overload the table. &pfjorfem Utoo pjtttt&retr atrtr $iiinxit% Never decline an invitation from an old East Indian. &pJ)orfem Cfcoo P£ttntrre& atttr J&txteentl). If a medical man wishes to get the reputation of being very clever let him become a drunkard. I never heard of a dissipated physician or surgeon who was not reputed a man of talent. &PtJou$mt Ctoo p^uttirretr atttr Seventeenth The most poetical of blacking-makers, and most transparent of poets, is Robert Warren, 30, Strand. A vast deal of talent has been expended — we do not say thrown away — in celebrating his blacking, which is cer- 75 tainly inimitable. In the poetical department Day & Martin are inferior to Warren, but as prose writers they are not to be surpassed. In their advertisements there is a sublimity which is quite enchanting. The commencement of them is splendid : — " To prevent fraud." They do not want to sell their blacking — not they ; they merely wish to check the course of dis- honour and dishonesty. They do not wish to vend their wares — no ; their particular desire is solely to prevent fraud. By the way, who is Martin ? Is there such a person in rerum naturd ? I doubt it. The question, in my mind, is quite as interesting as the controversy respecting Junius. &$fjoximx Cfcoo l^untotr atttr iStgfjteetttl). Have nothing to do with those good-natured friends who make a practice of letting you know all the evil which they may hear spoken about you. These people take especial care to let you have nothing of the good, if there is any going. &pfjorfem Ctoo f^uttirretr atttr lUneteentf). Girls have a naughty custom of caressing and kissing children in the presence of young men. I say naughty. not for the thing itself, but for the reason winch makes the cunning young creatures do it. 76 Ladies' men are asses. The ladies themselves despise them, although they find the creatures veiy useful for holding their fans, making negus, handing round the sweetmeats, drawing corks, and other little services of this kind. &pT)orfetn Cfoo f^untrretr axils Ctoentg^jf trst There is no such thing as disinterested benevolence. Actions from which a person derives no tangible bene- fit are so denominated ; but the grateful feelings which arise in the heart are a sufficient recompense to noble minds, and constitute their reward for the performance of such deeds. When a selfish man acts benevolently, it is with ulterior views to his advantage ; the springs which move the generous man are the kindly emotions of his nature, and he has his reward in the approbation of a good conscience. £p|jorfem Ctoo f^utttrretr ants Cfoetttg^ecottir. The honester a man, the easier cheated. Nothing is so difficult as to impose upon an impostor. &pf)otfettt Ctoo Ifyuritsvzts ants Ctoentg-CStrtr. The [greatest ale-drinkers in the world, are the coal heavers on the Thames. 77 aphorism £too p^untrretr antr fttoent^if ourtf). Women are more taken by the figure than men, who generally look more to the face than to the person of their sweethearts. aphorism &too f^untrretr antr Ctoentg^ tftf). If you wish to oblige a blockhead, allow him to quiz you. Sumphs are flattered by the idea of having trotted men cleverer than themselves. &pfjorism &too Huntrtetr an& Cfoentg^btxtfi. The structure of the hair is curious. Each hair is a tube, and derives its colour from a fluid contained within it. When the hair becomes gray, it is in conse- quence of the want of this fluid. ftpjorfem Ctoo p^untrretr antr Cfoent^ebentf). Persons who travel most in foreign countries are those who know least of the beauties of then* own. While Cori-usk, Glencoe, Killarney, Loch-Lomond, and the Lakes of Westmorland and Cumberland are to be seen at home, there is little need to traverse Switzerland and Italy in search of the grand or beautiful. &pfjottsm Ctoo f^untrretr antr Cfoent^l5tgf)tfj. The greatest sign of civilization is a people's cookery. 78 Huge rounds of beef, roasted or boiled, haunches of venison, colossal plum-puddings, &c. &c, are all marks of barbarism. As nations get civilized, these gigantic features of gastronomy disappear, and we have in their place elegant fricasees, graceful cutlets, inimitable pates, and so forth. Such is the custom in France, which is certainly the most polished country in Europe, and in China, which, in a physical sense, is highly civilized. &p$Secon&. Do not infer that because a man is fat he is a great eater. This he may or may not be as the case turns out. The most eggregious gluttons I ever met with are poor, puny, emaciated, sickly-looking creatures, whom you would suppose every breath of wind would blow through, and who seemed more like candidates for the other world, than for the good things of this life. My illustrious friend, Dando, was, it is true, an exception. &p!)omm Ctoo i^uttirretr antr Cfjirtg^fitrtr. The inhabitants of the Scotch and English borders present a curious contrast. Somehow, they have never amalgamated, and are more different in their habits, looks, language, and mode of living, than it is possible to imagine. On the northern side, even to the very boundary line, we have the broadest Scotch dialect ; on entering the first farm house in Northumberland, we meet with the burr. Visit a farmer on the Scottish side, and he sets before you whiskey and oat cakes, do 80 the same on the English side, and you are presented with home-brewed ale, and home-baked wheaten bread ; and these distinctions are as marked on the border, as in the most remote parts of the two kingdoms. I never knew a good poet who was not a good prose writer. Of course, I suppose him to be properly educated. The best prose writers which the present century has seen, are distinguished bards. Ex. Gr. Scott, Byron, Southey, Wilson, Hogg, Hunt, Moir, Milman, Croly, and fifty others. &p!)otfetn CIjdo i^utttrreir antr Q$irt2«df iffy. There are some who, when they talk of genius, mean imagination. This is absurd. Genius and imagination, though frequently, are not necessarily united. New- ton, Laplace, Euler, Watt, Locke, Hobbes, Hume, were all geniuses, and great ones too, but probably few men had less imagination, in the common acceptation of the term. Imagination, as it is usually understood, has reference to the sublime and beautiful, and is applicable to poetry, painting, sculpture, and works of taste and fancy in general. The sciences, whose whole object is utility, and which bear upon the inven- tive faculties of the mind, have little reference to the 81 imagination; which, indeed, is rather hostile, than favourable, to the cultivation of science, although some distinguished scientific men, such as Bacon and Brown, have been gifted with it in no ordinary degree. apljorfem Ctoo ^utrtrtetr antr ftfjirtg^ixtt). Don t eat hot rolls if your stomach is weak. In such a case, there is nothing like cold toast. apfiorfem Ctoo f^utrtrrrtr antr &jjtrt^g>etantfj. The best tooth-powder in the world is Armenian bole, a pennyworth of which will serve a person for six months. apSortum Ctoo pjuiitrtetr antr &fjtrt8~orism Ctoo ?§untrrrtr attir jf ortgs. If you are an author, never ask any one his opinion of your productions. The chances are, he is no judge, and even if he is, you can never calculate upon his telling you what he conceives to be the truth. To praise, in such, cases, is an almost invariable rule. For 89 the same reason, never believe what an editor says in commendation of a rejected article which he returns to you. The more highly he speaks of your production, the less does he think of it. &p5orfem &too J^untrretr ants Stit^Jf ivzt Decision of character is often confounded with talent. This is particularly the case with the fair sex. A bold, masculine, active woman always gets the name of clever, although her intellect may be of a humble order, and her knowledge contemptible. &P$ortsm Ctoo f^untrretr antr £ixtg=g>econtr. Lobsters are justly reckoned more delicate than crabs. apjorfam fttoo i^tmtrrrtr atttr J&ixtgsCijirir. Little fellows generally wear high-crowned hats, tall men the reverse: the thing, as regards the former, speaks for itself. &pf)orism Ctoo f^untrretr antr S&txts*Jf outt!). When men complain of the frivolous talk of the fair sex, thty should recollect that they themselves are the main causes of it. They treat women like children ; and instead of conversing with them upon rational E 2 90 subjects, they address them upon nothing but trifles, and thus fill their minds with worthless and unmeaning foolery. There is no necessity for making blue stockings of the sex, (which heaven forbid,) but they should be treated as rational beings, and not as fools. Men, now-a-days, seldom think of talking to women upon any other subjects than balls, assemblies, and the fashions. What can be expected from such tuition ? &pijorif>ttt &too p^utrtrretr anir g>ixtfcjfift% The people of Tweedside, though they cook salmon admirably, don't use sauce to the fish. This is a terrible oversight. &pf)orfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr atrtr ftixtfis&txU). A fact. Nine-tenths of the catsup sold in the shops is a vile compound of liver and the roan of fish, seasoned with vinegar, pepper, and other condiments. If you wish to have the article genuine, you must procure mushroms, and make it yourself. n$$ovi*m Ctoo &utfti*elr antr g>txts-£ebentf). Never judge of a man's honesty or talents by the certificates he produces. Such documents are just as likely — or rather much more so — to be false as true. The greatest knave can, at all times, obtain them in 91 proof of his integrity; and any illiterate blockhead may, by their means, make himself appear one of the most learned and accomplished men of the age. No degree of knavery or stupidity is the least bar in the way of obtaining the most splendid and unqualified testi- monials. partem Cfoa J^untrretr antr SMxtg^ijrljtf). Milton owes Satan an apology for bestowing one of his names on another fallen angel. The second of the Infernal Powers he denominates Beelzebub, which, by prescriptive right and wont, is one of the appellations of Lucifer himself. It thus appears that even the Devil may be shabbily used. &$f}nvi&m Ctoo f^untrretr atttr £ixtg=#uttf). One of the most profitless pieces of discussion is that which relates to the comparative merits of Shakspeare and Milton. Where there is such a total difference in the character of their genius, comparison becomes im- practicable : there is no point where a parallel can be instituted between them. As poets, they are equally wonderful and unapproachable ; but Shakspeare, dealing chiefly with human feelings and characters, will always be the favourite with the mass of readers. Milton is not, and never will be, a popular poet, in the general 92 sense of the term. His beauties and sublimities are quite beyond common understandings : he can only be appreciated by poetical minds — to all others he is a sealed book. &p!jorfem Ctoo ^tm&relr atrtr Sebenttetjj. It is perfectly possible to make champagne from gooseberries equal to that yielded by the grape. Ex. Gr. Lord Haddington, who is a first-rate judge of wines, had a bottle of mock, and one of real champagne set before him ; and was requested to say which was which. He mistook the product of the gooseberry for the genuine article ; and many persons, reputed good judges, have done the same thing. &pf)otu»m Ctoo f^untrretr antr Sbtbtntfrjfmt If a man pronounces you a liar, it is very absurd to call him out for the same. This ceremony does not prove that you are not a liar. It only shows that you possess sufficient courage to stand at the distance of twelve paces, while a pistol — probably a leadless one — is fired at you. &pf)orfem Ctoo $£untrretr antr g>ebenrg^econtr. I have a sincere admiration for the above method of fighting duels without bullets, now so generally adopted. 93 This sagacious system, if we may believe Lord Byron, was adopted by Messrs. Moore and Jeffrey, of whose encounter his Lordship makes honourable mention in his English Bards and Scotch Reviewers : " When Little's leadless pistol met his eye, And Bow- Street myrmidons stood laughing by." apjorfem ©do J^untrretr antr $ebent2H£f)ufr The feelings of an author may be gathered from his writings. The poet who seldom dwells on love, cannot be of a very amorous complexion. apfjortsm Ctoo ^untrretr atrtr J&ebent^jf outtf). The ridicule which some shallow-pated coxcombs attempt to cast upon old maids is insufferable, and should be put down. Sensible people, by standing out against it, would soon silence the barking of the pup- pies, and put an end to their offences on this particular point. Why are not old bachelors subjected to the same system of annoyance and neglect ? Their pecu- liarities are infinitely more marked and ludicrous than those of the sisterhood. aphorism &foo pjturtrretr antr Sebentg^jf tftf). The worst psalmody, and the best sermons, are to be heard in the Scotch churches. 94 aphorism Ctoo f^untrretr axtis gjebentg^txtf). The pious horror with which the people of Scotland regard the use of the organ in churches, is extremely ridiculous, and quite inconsistent with the good sense of the country. The only reason I ever heard given for the national veto upon this sublime instrument, is, that it is used in Catholic and Episcopal Churches. This is a rich specimen of the non sequitur, or rather of the argumentum ad absurdum. For the same reason, gowns and pulpits ought to be abolished. gtyfjovumt Ctoo p^uttirretr antr Sebentg^ebentf). If you perceive the slightest tendency in your hair to come out, get your head shaved at once, and wear a wig for a few months. Were this precaution more attended to, we should have fewer bald pates. &pJ)orism &too p^utrtrretr antr £ebetttg4Sigf)tf). I never knew a very tall man who did not wish to be taller. People from five feet ten to six feet are perfectly satisfied with their altitude, but when they get as high as six feet four or six, their ambition prompts them to wish for a few additional inches. I know a gentleman who stands six feet five on his stocking-soles : he prided himself upon being the tallest man in the place, and was distressed beyond measure when a person half-an- 95 inch taller made his appearance and dethroned him from his pre-eminence. In like manner, when a man is ex- cessively little, he wishes to be still less. Nothing would have annoyed Bebe the dwarf so much as the sight of a grown man shorter than himself — or O'Brien, as a giant who o'ertopped him by an inch. A person who is exceedingly ugly, or has an enormous nose or mouth, does not like to be surpassed in these particu- lars. Even a great liar, or rogue, likes to stand at the head of his profession. A very strong man is vain of his strength — a very weak man of his weakness. In short, whenever a person, in any one thing, is prodigi- ously and monstrously opposed to the natural standard, he wishes to outrage it still more. It is only those who keep within it, that are horrified at the idea of its violation. &pf)ortsm Ctoo g^utrtrretr antr Setetitg-NttttJ). Lord Byron hated dowdy women. The Court Journal, on the authority of a likeness in the Byron Gallery, pronounces his lady to be a dowdy. Could this have had any thing to do with their quarrel ? apljorfem Ctoo f^utrtrrrtr antr xzz ^untrretr antr ^trst Those frontlets or patches which gentlemen paste upon their heads for the purpose of concealing partial baldness, should be exploded. They are vile affairs, and prevent the head from being washed so often as it should be by every cleanly person. Don't wear a patch if you abominate paste, and love the daily ablution of your pericranium. Should you dislike to appear in company with a barren crown, get a wig at once, for to that it must come at last. apfjottsm €fjttt f^untrtrtr antr Secontr. The most awfully difficult and valour-daunting ex- ploit which a modest youth has to encounter, is that ot 104 requesting a lady to drink wine with him at a large dinner party. To perform this dreadful ceremony for the first time, requires such courage, that he who is able to go through it without shrinking, is qualified to lead the forlorn hope, force his way into a square of bayonets, pull the beard of the Sultan, or trip up the heels of the Emperor of China before all his mandarins. &p5otfem ffi&m i^utitrretr atrtr CJtrtr. In a state of nature, the feeling of shame in reference M to the person does not exist, — it is a conventional one, acquired by civilization. In the first stages of every country, except where the coldness of the climate com- pels clothing, the inhabitants invariably go naked. Such is the case, at the present day, with the aborigines of New Holland, and some other savage nations. &pt)orfettt ®&m f^utttrretr antr $wx% If you hear a man constantly talking of his indiffer- ence to the good things of this life, and how he could dine with as much pleasure on a potato as on turbot and oyster sauce, you may stamp him as a guzzler of the first magnitude. This affectation of indifference to good feeding is all bam. The most honest gourmands are decidedly the English : they talk of the subject with profound gusto, and may be said to have studied 105 the philosophy of eating more deeply than any nation in Europe, &p!jort0m €f)m p^untrretr ant? dftfty. Painters are not always the best judges of pictures, nor poets of poetry. Some of the first critics in both departments are persons who never tried their hand at either; for instance, Aristotle, Hazlitt, the Schlegels, and various others. &pf)ortsm €§vtz p*utrtrretr antr £(xtJ). The worst judge of a man's own productions is often himself. Milton conceived Paradise Regained superior to Paradise Lost, and Hogarth looked upon Sigismunda as his chef-d'oeuvre. &p!jorfem €fivtt Hutrtrretr ants £ebettt|j. When a man is notoriously and confessedly good at any thing, he does not feel much gratified at receiving praise on that account. Lord Byron liked better to be flattered for his swimming than for his poetry. He was good at both, but his excellence in the latter every body knew, and he therefore thought little about it. Cardinal Richelieu, on the contrary, was fond of being thought a first-rate poet, while he was perfectly indif- ferent about praise on account of his statesmanship. 106 This foible the courtiers knew well, and acted accord- ingly. He had also the ambition of being considered a great leaper; and having a jealousy of Count de Grammont, who was really excellent at that exercise, the latter allowed himself to be overcome by the car- dinal, and thus got into his good graces. &pfjorfem &f)m f^untrretr mrtr 3£tg|)tf). The most obvious inferences often escape the obser- vation of the most sensible men. Take the following as an example : Sir William Hamilton thought he had the phrenologists by the heels when he discovered that Voltaire, who despised religion, had a large organ of veneration. This was absurd. Voitaire was a notorious free-thinker. He did not believe in Christianity, and consequently could not venerate it. &pfjorfem Cftree f^untrretr atrtr jjtntj. Avoid having confidants. The most difficult thing in the world to keep is a secret ; and if you cannot preserve one yourself, how can you expect that another will ? Keep your private feelings and opinions also to yourself, and trust them to no ear, however apparently trustworthy. A pretty figure people cut, when, after quarrelling with confidants — a common case — they have the mortification of knowing that the latter are in 107 possession of all their secrets. Indeed, to have a con- fidant at all — unless in a case of strong necessity — argues invariably weakness of mind. ^pfjottsm ffifjtee p^uttforstr antr €zxd% One of the greatest mysteries is the expression of the human eye. It depends upon something beyond "mere organization, for I have seen the eyes of two persons which in their structure and colour were, apparently, quite the same, and yet the ocular expres- sion of each individual was perfectly different. Some owe the expression of their countenance chiefly to the eyes, others to the mouth, nor is it, upon the whole, easy to say which feature is the most expressive. The intellect, I believe, is more especially communicated by the eyes, and the feelings by the mouth. I never knew a man of imaginative genius who had not fine eyes. &pfjorismt €f\nt f^unTfrretr amir C^Iebent^ It has been the occasion of surprise to many, that Switzerland, the most romantic country in Europe, has never produced a poet. They imagine that the scenery should generate poetry in the minds of the inhabitants ; but this is confounding the cause with the effect. It is not the scenery which makes the poet, but the mind of the poet which makes poetry of the scenery. 108 Holland, perhaps, the tamest district in the world, has produced some good poets; and our own immortal Milton, was born and brought up amid the smoke of London. Spenser, the most fanciful of poets, was also a Cockney. &j)fjortsm Cfjree p^utttrrefc anfo Ctoelfti). In a well-proportioned man, the distance between the points of the middle fingers, when the arms are stretched out laterally, should be equal to the length of his body. &pf)ortsm Cfjm &uttt>rdr antr Cfjtrtotttf). Hospitality is the virtue of a rude or semi-barbarous state of society, and a noble virtue it is. When people get civilized, and more especially when they become congregated in large towns, it invariably disappears. The hospitality of the Scotch Highlanders is much praised, but in truth the same thing exists in every society similarly constituted. The shepherds in the Lowlands, living far away from the rest of the world, and existing in a sort of primitive state, are just as hospitable as the mountaineers. &pf)ortsm €f)m fftnntrretr antr jfouvtzzntl). Ignorant people have an absurd prejudice against 109 the French for eating frogs, as if they were the princi- pal or only food of the nation. Suppose they did eat them, what then ? A frog, besides being the most cleanly of animals, is extremely tender, and constitutes excellent food. But the whole notion, so far as regards our Gallic neighbours, is ridiculous. There is not one Frenchman in five thousand who ever tasted a frog. A dish of those animals is a most costly affair ; and at Virey's, Beauvillier's, or any other first-rate restaura- teur's, cannot be had for less than a guinea. &pf)ott$m Ctree ?§uttirretr antr jf tfteeittf). The motive which prompts most people to travel is vanity. They care little themselves about what they may see, but have the pleasure of detailing it to others, and thus becoming lions. There is nothing which annoys a great traveller so much as the thought that one of the company has gone over the same ground as himself. Not only is the power of monopolizing the subject thus taken out of his hands, but he loses the privilege of shooting with the long bow — a right to which such personages have laid claim from time imme- morial. &pf)orism Cfjree pjuntrretr atttr Jrirteentf). Spectacles with golden frames are bad. Not only is 110 the pressure of this valuable but heavy metal on the nose disagreeable ? but I have known it produce swelling of that organ, followed by ulceration. The best frame is one made of tortoise-shell or slight steel. BpSorfem Cfjm l^untrretr arits gebenteentf). The best characters are not those who have fewest vices, but those who have most virtues. &pf)otfero €f\vtt Huntrretr atttr iEtgjjteetttf). The most aristocratic people in the world are those of the United States. &pf)orfem Cfjree p^untrrrtr arils Hmeteentl). There are some people who, for the purpose of veiling their hardness of heart, and want of humanity, affect a vast abhorrence of vice, and an equal rever- ence for virtue. If, for instance, a poor creature who at one period of his life committed some indiscretion, gets into distress, and applies to them for relief, they instantly put him in mind of the unlucky event, and thus pretend to justify themselves for withholding any assistance. No matter how much the indiscretion may have been atoned for : it has been committed, and that, forsooth, is enough for the hypocrites. Detesters of vice ! adorers of virtue ! — how do they expect that Ill their own errors will be overlooked by the Deity, when they themselves cannot — or rather affect they cannot — pass by unpunished the most venial transgressions of a fellow-creature. The assumed cause of their unchari- tableness is more offensive than the want of charity itself. &pt)orttntfrjfitt% Nothing is more difficult than for two individuals to get up a consistent piece of falsehood which will stand the test of examination. If they could previously hit upon every point upon which, by possibility, they might be questioned, it would be easy enough to make their evidence tally ; but there is, in almost every case, a mass of minute particulars which must escape the most carefully preconcerted arrangement of the parties ; and it is upon these that their evidence would be apt to exhibit discrepancies. &pf)omm Cfjm f^untrretr atrtr €toetite=£txtfjr. Women are much more bitter against an erring sister than men. 113 Epfjortsm &f)m l^untiretr antr fttoentg=£ebentf). It is somewhat odd that the favourite English dish, beans and bacon, has never been naturalized in the Land of Cakes. I cannot charge myself with ever having seen such a dish in Scotland. &p$ortf)orfem €f)rtt ^untrretr antr €f)trtg=€f)trir. The best and worst cheese in Em-ope is made by the Dutch, who favour us with the last, and keep the first to themselves. apljorfem ft|ro f^untrretr antr CTurtfisjf ourtfj. Be slow of giving credit to any stories you may hear about extraordinary feats of strength and agility. Some time ago a gentleman told me that a friend of his jumped twenty-four feet upon a dead level. Meeting the said friend shortly after, I asked him if he 116 had ever perpetrated such a leap, when he at once declared his entire guiltlessness thereof, and said that the greatest leap he ever committed was six yards and a half. ^pTjorism &f)m Hutttrretr axtts fttntlg^ff tftj. Considering the population of Germany, more people wear spectacles in that country than in any other in Europe. This, I take it, proceeds from the studious habits of the Germans, who thus injure their eyesight. &p1)ortsm Cfjm f^untrretr ants ffifHttg=£ixt!j. Ignorant illiterate people appear to much greater advantage in the witness box than the well educated. In such a situation, it is much easier to bamboozle a philosopher than a peasant. &pDorfem €f)m p^untrtrtr atrtr C$(rts4&ebent8. The worst witnesses are lawyers. We should imagine them the best, but facts are always stultifying our preconceived notions. &pJ)orfsm ftfjm f^untrretr ants €%ix\^m^t% It is very disgusting to hear the cant uttered by some people concerning the immoralities of Burns and Byron. Did these persons possess a tithe of the same 117 strong passions to struggle against as the great poets in question, they would have been cursed with a hundred times more vice, without being blessed by a particle of the virtues possessed by the objects of their vitupera- tion. Bums and Byron no doubt had their faults, (winch in their case were more remarked than in inferior men, whose very insignificance causes errors to be unobserved,) but in considering them, their un- doubted good qualities should be placed in the opposite scale, and an average thus struck of the good and evil. &pfjorism €f\vtt f^untrretr antr &fjtrtg'£tnff). The best sausages in the world are to be had in Paris. I mean the fresh sausages, for in the dried state the German ones are allowed to be matchless. &pSortsm fflfjm f^untrretr antr jfovtizti). If you publish a book, do not trust to your friends or acquaintances buying it. They are the worst patrons an author can have, and never think of purchasing his &pfjotumt Cfjm f^untrretr antr iForts-jFtrst. In France, Germany, or Italy, a stranger can see almost any thing without paying for it, — the palaces, paintings, halls of sculpture, churches, &c. He ma}- 118 even attend the public hospitals and lectures on medi- cine and philosophy free of expense. In all this there is a liberality most creditable to the governments of these nations, and widely different from the grasping avarice prevailing in this country, where nothing is shown unless exorbitantly paid for. Let any person who doubts this, visit St. Paul's, Holyrood House, or any public institution, and he will be convinced to his cost. The most splendid piece of modern prose composi- tion is, perhaps, the description of the Hall of Eblis, in Vathek, — a work which (or rather the author of which) Professor Wilson pronounces to be destitute of genius of any kind ; and which Lord Byron declares to be one of the most magnificent imitations of the Eastern romance that ever was written. " Who shall decide when poets disagree ? " Cologne is the dirtiest town in Europe. &pf)origm €f)xzz f^untrretr anSr .dFortg-.if ourtfj. Black is the coldest dress in winter, and warmest in summer. White is the reverse. 119 The Scotch fiddle is a misnomer. Our neighbours the Irish are supposed to be the most distinguished performers on this unmelodious instrument. &pf)ortsm €fjvtt p^turtrretr atttr jFortg«£ixt!). An absurd prejudice prevails among foreigners, and even natives, against the water of the Seine, which, I have the authority of Thenard, whom I heard prelect upon the subject some years ago, to pronounce extremely wholesome. &pfjort«mt Cijtee p^untrreft anU if ortg^ebentf). If you are apt to bespatter yourself, it is a good plan in wet weather to wear drab, pepper-and-salt, or grey trowsers. # apjorfam €§xtz ^uttirretr antr jf ortg=vzz p^tmtrretr antr ,if tfttetl). Talking of the Swan of Avon, some asses have taken it upon them to pronounce his name as if it spelt Shack-speare : and Kean, the actor, who is certainly no ass, has done the same thing. We should have thought Kean had a little more poetry in his composition than to substitute such a tame unmeaning appellation for one which instantly calls up shaking the spear, and other warlike associations. The above is an instance of the power possessed by men of genius over the minds of blockheads, for I believe that Kean was in reality 121 the originator (the reviver at all events) of the objec- tionable pronunciation. 8pf)orirtz $§untrretr antr dfift&&ixtf). Of all animals the most insolent, pampered, and greedy, are the domestics of the nobility. &p5orism €f)m f^untrretr antr jf tftg-Sebentf). The great secret of making oneself agreeable is to be a good listener. Crafty people know this well, and act accordingly. gtytjortsm Cfjree f^untrretr antr $ tftg^SigStf). Women who rule their husbands are often ruled by their children. We should expect the contrary. &P$otfem ftfjree f^untrretr antr jf tftg=#mtl). I have remarked, and Gil Bias' mother did the 123 same thing, that women generally bear a great dislike to their sons' wives. This is the more remarkable as they are almost always fond of their sons-in-law. Can any person explain the why and wherefore of these singular facts ? ®$f)Qtimx €f>vw ^untsvtts ants gtxttetf). A vast deal of nonsense is talked about the proper method of preparing toddy; and no two people can agree as to whether the water, the spirit, or the sugar, should be put in first. This is extremely absurd. The thing is just as broad as it is long, nor does it matter a straw which of the ingredients has the precedence. If these are good, and are combined in proper proportions, you will have good toddy, no matter which you put first or last into the tumbler. ^pljortsm ffiljm ^nntsvtts ants Stxtg^ff ttst I can form a pretty shrewd guess as to whether a man is short or tall by the manner in which he knocks at the door. If the knocker goes rap, rap, rap, rap, loud and quickly, I estimate him at five feet six, or downwards, and am seldom mistaken. &pf)oram Cljm ^untrtetr ants &ixtfr&ttonls. The Scotch, as a nation, have larger heads than the 124 English ; and the people in the north of Ireland than those in the south. Ask any extensive hatter, and he will verify this assertion. The largest heads in Scotland are in Aberdeenshire, the natives of which are supposed to be the most sagacious bipeds of the Caledonian breed. &$f}0vim %$xtz f^tmirrctr atttr $iitg*Cfjfrlr. Talking of heads, that of Sir Walter Scott was a curiosity. His head was very large, and yet he required a very small hat. The reason is obvious. His head was remarkably lofty — more so, by far, than that of any man I ever saw; and thus possessed great size, although its circumference was below average. &pJ)Qtu$m €f)ree p^unforetr antr Stxtg-jf ourtf). The most gesticulative nation in Europe are the Neapolitans — the least so the Dutch. Cato the censor must have been a Dutchman. apSotfem €i)rtt p^utttrreir antr Stxtg^jf tftfj. Puppyism is at a premium just now. Most parents have a desire that their sons should get dandified as soon as possible, and, accordingly, employ all their skill to make them part with every thing in the shape of diffidence or modesty. This is highly commendable. 125 Spljorfem €f}ttt f^utttrretr antr Siitg-Jriitf). Ireland has produced some tremendous jistiologists, such as Peter Corcoran, Ryan, Donelly, and others ; but, upon the whole, England is entitled to carry off the palm of pugilistic excellence. The English are as brave and strong as the Irish, and have far more cool- ness. SipSorfem Cf)m ?§utrtrre& antr gtxtg^ebetttfj, The best boxer that ever stripped was Jem Belcher. He was a man of much greater genius than Jeremy Bentham, Macintosh, and fifty others whom it is fashion- able to praise, now-a-days. The improvements he introduced into the fistic art were truly valuable, and produced an entire revolution in the science. In inven- tive talent he was quite equal to Watt. His stopping with the right hand, and making the return with the left — being just the reverse of the old system — deserve immortal honour, to say nothing of his improvement in cross-buttocking, and giving pepper to his antagonist without napping it himself. Jem was decidedly the Hannibal of pugilists, as the Game Chicken was the Scipio Africanus. The Chicken s left-handed hit on the jugular is entitled to great praise, and stamps him as a man of first-rate genius. Randall's " one, two," and favourite lounge at the bread-basket, are also 126 specimens of exquisite talent. Cribb, though rather slow, must also be allowed to possess considerable inventive genius. Had he done nothing else than introduce that admirable piece of generalship, milling on the retreat, he would be justly entitled to a niche in the temple of fame. Need I mention the illustrious Gulley, who now fills the distinguished place of a British senator ? Did he wield his tongue as skilfully as his bunch of fives, he would floor the best speakers in the house. ^pfjorfem Cfjree f^utrtrtetr antr ${xtfi*<£ig]jt])* The Scotch cut a poor figure with their daddies. Though excellent metaphysicians, and political econo- mists, they are very so-so millers indeed. The only truly good man in this line that Scotland ever pro- duced is Captain Barclay, who, after, all is only an amateur, and never entered the ring. &p!jorfem €f)vzz ^untrretr antr Stxts^intfj. Sea-gull's eggs, when boiled hard, and eaten cold with pepper, salt, vinegar, and mustard, make a delightful breakfast dish. Many persons have an antipathy to such eggs ; but it is from eating them in the soft state, when they have a fishy taste. Try them as above, and they will change their opinions on the subject. 127 No offence is so difficult to pardon as contempt. Beat a man and he may forgive you ; abuse him and he may forget it, but once treat him with contumely, and he becomes your enemy for life. apjotfem Cf)m f^unftrefr atttr Sbzhtntv-jFivst I never knew a woman who could argue well : so much the better. There is a delightful inconsequen- tiality in the reasonings of the fair sex. Some beautiful specimens of the non sequitur might be collected from their efforts in this department of logic. &p5criebettt^«£ebetttf). People are every now and then getting alarmed lest some comet should destroy the earth. Such terrors are founded upon a miserably narrow view of the universe. It is utterly impossible, in the nature of things, that an event of this kind can take place. All the heavenly bodies move in a certain tract, from which they cannot deviate ; and though the path of the comets is more diversified than that of the others, they are not the less subject to the same law. They are merely wandering over a space which they have traversed since the creation, and can never approach nearer the earth than they have already frequently been. The Deity has too well guarded the integrity of His works to permit the destruction of any of them by such an approximation. &pJjortsm &Dm f^utttrretr antr £ebetttg=3£tg!)tf). If you chance to say any thing not particularly witty, and one of the company laughs heartily at the same, you may conclude either that he is turning you into G 130 ridicule, that he is an ass, or that he wishes to curry- favour with you. &P$oru$m Cfjm ^untrretr mttr Sebetttg^mtJ. If a person has a great knack at finding out feats of legerdemain, you may pronounce him a blockhead. I never knew a clever man who was worth a farthing at detecting such tricks. atyfjorfem Cfjm ^utttrretr atrtr <£tgt)ttet!). Many persons talk of the pleasure they will experi- ence, when, after a long absence, they revisit the scenes of their youth. In returning to such scenes, no feelings but those of melancholy arise in the mind. Every one who has made the experiment will find this to be the case. Upon the whole, there are no pleasures like The Pleasures of Hope. The Pleasures of Memory — no offence to Rogers — are idle phantoms of the brain. ^Sonant ffifjree f^untrretr atrtr ^igfltg-jf ttst. There is not a town in the United Kingdom where, as a body, the inhabitants speak such pure English as in Inverness. Sam. Johnson very absurdly imputed this to their intercourse in former times with Oliver Cromwell's soldiers. 131 &pljomm €§vtz i^untrr^ antr 3£tgf)tgsg>ecotttr. Never smoke with pipes which are not glazed at the mouth-piece, or when this is broken off. In such cases, the stalk is apt to adhere to the lips ; and the pulling necessary to loosen the adhesion may so far irritate those parts, as, in course of time, to produce cancer. Sir Astley Cooper relates cases of this horrid disease which arose from such a cause. bottom €%vtz f^utttrretr antr <£tgfjt^€f)ttir. The worst ink in the world is Japan ink. It costs ten times as much as common ink, and is not half so good. &pf)omm €$xtz ^utrtrretr antr <£tg$tg=;if ottttl). In modern education a great deal too much time is devoted to the dead, and a great deal too little to the living languages. Boys — unless they are destined for the learned professions — instead of wasting several years in Latin and Greek, should set to French, German, Italian, or some modern tongue, which may be of prac- tical use to them in the business of life. &pf)otu$m Ctjm f^uttirretr atrtr 3£tgf)ts=,jf tftf). The best metallic pens are the Perryan ; but, after all, no artificial pen is equal to a good goose quill. N. B. No metallic pen writes well upon pasteboard. 132 &p5orfem €f)vzz f^utttrretr antr 35tgt)tg=Stxtf). Of all literary coxcombs, the most despicable was Lord Chesterfield. His letters to his son — who, by the bye, must have been an ass of the first water — are the veriest rubbish that ever issued from the press. Well did Sam. Johnson characterise them as inculcating the morals of a prostitute and the manners of a dancing- master. It makes us ashamed of our grandfathers to think that such stuff passed current and attracted admiration in their day. &pf)otfettt Cfjm p^utitrretr mttr SStgfjtg'Jrebetttf). Johnson's reproof of Chesterfield on the occasion of the latter puffing the Doctor's dictionary, under the hope that it would be dedicated to him, (after treating the author during the progress of this mighty work with marked neglect,) is a masterly specimen of mingled scorn and rebuke ; but I think the purpose would have been much more effectually served had he treated his lordship's advances with silent contempt. &pf)o?fem €f)vw f^utttrretr antr <£tgl)t2'<£tg!)tf). The word merit is often sadly misapplied. If a man accumulates a fortune, it is customary to say that he has great merit, as if he were entitled to the slightest praise for looking sharply after his own interest, and 133 feathering his own nest. The most grovelling creatures are just as likely to do this as the noble-minded and generous, or rather much more so ; and the whole has its root in the strong selfishness of human nature. Were a man to make a great sacrifice for the purpose of doing justice to the injured, placing his poor and deserving friends or relatives in comfortable circum- stances, or advancing the cause of science and philan- thropy, his merit would be undeniable, although pro- bably the heartless portion of the world would call him a fool for his pains. &pt)orfew Cfjm i^untrretr atrtr i£tg$tg:#ttttS. In shaving, carry the edge of the razor as much as possible against the grain. This at first is difficult, but a little practice soon overcomes it. &pf)0rfem €f\xtt p^utrtrreir atrtr jUtnettetfj. Always shave with hot water. I insert this aphorism as I observe my friend Sir John Sinclair has very absurdly recommended cold water. ^pljorfem Cjjtee ?§utrtrtrtr antr litnetg^jf ml I would recommend every man who values a good shave to have at least a dozen of razors. I cannot explain how it happens, but a razor by being laid aside 134 for a number of days improves in sharpness. This is a fact to which any barber in town or country will bear witness. &pf)cit:fem Cfjm f^utttrrrir attir j&tttetg^eamir. I never knew a good leaper who was flat-soled. &pf)ortsm €Sm f^unirreir attir l^tttetg'&fjtrir. If you are informed that a man intends to pull your nose, the best method of defeating his purpose is to grease it. This is much better than flooring him on the spot, or calling him out. atyjotfem ffifjm f^uttirteir attir |£ittetg=-if ourt$. Authors should prey upon the public, and not upon each other. I make this remark from the annoyance to which literary people are subjected by a set of scribblers who call upon them, and either solicit money or the favour of their names to some work which they — the said scribblers — are about to publish. This is the more provoking, because such persons are never men of talent, but useless, self-sufficient lazy devils, who, from a spirit of blinded conceit and indolence, will not turn their hands to a decent calling, but must, forsooth, try their luck in the field of literature. 135 &pf)ori8m €f)m p^utrtrreir atttr lUnetg^ tftf). An unaccountable sympathy seems to exist between London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Paisley, and Renfrew. Take the following facts as evidence thereof : — On the occasion of the late king's visit to Scotland, the magis- trates of the different cities, towns, and boroughs of the Land of Cakes required court dresses to enable them to pay their devoirs to his Majesty at Holyrood. Well then, it so turned out that the dresses of the Edinburgh magistrates were made in London — those of the Glasgow magistrates in Edinburgh — those of the Paisley magis- trates in Glasgow, and those of the Renfrew magistrates , in Paisley. &$l>ovim €|jm f^untrretr atntr j&tttetg=g>tetf). The eloquence of the bar and that of the senate appear to be incompatible. Erskine, Curran, Jeffrey, &c, all eminent pleaders, failed in parliament ; and the bulk of those distinguished for their forensic orations have been equally unsuccessful. Brougham, to be sure, is great in Parliament, but then his bar eloquence — good as that was — was far inferior to his senatorial. Indeed, considering the general powers of the man, it might be called a failure, so that he constitutes no exception to the rule. It is difficult to imagine that Burke, Pitt, or Fox — the three stars of the House of 136 Commons — would have shone at the bar, and perhaps still more so to imagine the same thing of Chatham, who was greater than any of them. &pf)ortsm Cfjree f^untrretr antr jMnet2«$ebeitt$. If you hear any Christian boast that he has been in the Mosque of St. Sophia at Constantinople, you may, with great safety, pronounce him a liar. 8tyf)orfem €f\xw f^untrretr atrtr jUmetg^tgfjtf). Bristol has produced more good boxers than any town in the kingdom. Cribb, the three Belchers, Harmer, Nicholls, Neat, the Game Chicken, Big Ben, cum multis aliis, fought their way into the world in this city of incendiaries and pugilists. &pDorfem &fjm f^untrretr antr jftmetg=#tntfj. Of all men of genius, none had so many absurd pre- judices as Johnson. Upon what principle, physiological or otherwise, are we to account for his detestation of these excellent dishes, hotch-potch and Scotch haggis? &pTjorism jfouv Huntrretrtf). Dancing is veiy absurd in a fat man, and still more so in a fat woman ; yet how often do we meet with such people tripping it on the light fantastic toe. 137 Eptjorfem if out pmntrretr antr if itst. The best whisky is made in Scotland. It is ludi- crous to behold the Irish standing out for the supremacy of poteen. &p!)ottebenteentfj. " As grave as a Spaniard," has passed into a bye- word ; but the phrase is inaccurate, for the Spaniards, like all other southern nations, are a gay and lively people. The gravity which exists, is solely confined to the grandees, who are rendered so by the genius of the government, and not by nature. National character is much more dependant on climate than is generally supposed. A moist, foggy atmosphere renders people phlegmatic ; witness the Dutch ; — a sunny climate dis- 142 poses them to be gay and light hearted; witness the Italians and French ; while intense heat inclines them to luxury and voluptuousness, as in the case of the Turks and the natives of the tropics. The heart is lighter in summer than in winter, and in a clear day than in a gloomy one. Such influences continuing constantly to operate, must, in the course of a few ages, have a permanent effect upon the moral structure, and thus confer a character upon nations. &*>fjotfem ;ff our f^untrretr antr Wiyfitztnti). If you invite several people to dine with you, and one of them is late of arriving, never wait for him, but order the dimier to be served at once. This is a good advice, as not only do many people make a regular practice of coming late, but some landlords, out of a mistaken courtesy, await their arrival, to the injury of the meats, and the great annoyance of the rest of the company, who are thus made to suffer for their want of good manners. The remedy for this offence, contra bonos mores, is perfectly simple, and will seldom fail of effecting a cure. &pfjorfem tfmx f^untrretr antr j^tneteentj. There are some persons with whom it is a good plan to sport ignorance. By doing so, you will get into 143 their good graces, and probably be invited to dinner, whereas, if you make it appear that you are wiser or better informed than themselves, they will have nothing to do with you. aphorism jf our f^untrretr antr Cfoettttetf). In dry weather, carry an umbrella ; in wet, please yourself. This, to be sure, is a Spanish proverb, but it is none the worse of being repeated. 8pf)orfetn if our f^utttrretr antr Ctoentg-if irst Dark complexioned people should dress in black. A light dress makes too strong a contrast with the sombre hue of their skin. &pfjorfem if our f^mrtrrrtr antr &toetttgsgecotrtr. Blue-stockings are most dreadful bores ? especially if ugly, which they generally are. &pfjortsm if our f^untrretr antr Ctoentg^lnrir. Still greater bores are ladies who keep albums, and solicit contributions in the shape of picture or poetry. If they chance to be pretty, you must oblige them, poor things ; if the reverse, you may refuse : but then you are sure to get into their bad graces, and they become inveterate enemies for life. 144 &pfjotumt jf our f^untrretr ants Ctoetttg^ outtf). A lady's album is generally worth looking at, as a psychological curiosity, indicative, to a considerable extent, of the taste and feelings of its owner. &p5ortsm jf our i^utrtrretr an& Cfaents-jf tftfj. When a man is offended at being called a blockhead, it is a proof that he is so in reality. Clever men only laugh at being so denominated. &pfjorfem Jf our g^untrretr antr Ctoente^SixtJ. All authors who affix a string of titles after their names are asses. This practice is common, in an especial degree, with the medical tribe. &p!)orumt jf our f^untrretr antr Cfoettt^Sebentf). The passion of self-conceit flourishes more vigorously in small than in large towns. In the latter, it is checked by people having more opportunities of com- paring their own merits and consequence with those of others, and thus estimating both by a severer standard. &pfjorusm ,jf our p^untrretr antr €toent8~3£tgf)tf). English servants are the greediest in Europe. For the most trifling service they expect extravagant 145 remuneration, and have no idea of doing the slightes good turn, unless they are paid for it. The soonei the custom of giving servants vails is abolished, the better. It is a shameful tax upon visitors, who are thus made to pay smartly for the hospitality shown to them. &pSoram dFour p^uttirretr atrtr Ctoentg-ift in tf). Those who are always talking of their fine feelings and sympathy with distress, have no feeling of any kind. Their sympathy is all gammon, and is employed as a cloak to cover the merest hard-heartedness. flpfarfem if our f^uttirretr antr CDtrttetf). Those who are fond of talking about their deceased relatives, care nothing about them. True sorrow sedulously avoids the mention of such topics, however much it may indulge in the cogitation. Slpljotfem ,jf our J^untrretr atttr €tt?ts*#tat A great deal of wrath is wasted in invectives against despotic governments and the tyranny of kings, but all this is absurd and unmeaning. It is not the govern- ments and despots that are to be blamed, but the people who submit to them. Those placed at the head of a nation, will behave despotically if they are 146 allowed ; for men are naturally tyrants at heart. It is therefore ridiculous to complain of the despotism of the Russian Emperor — he does no more than the kings of England and France, or the President of the United States would do, if they had the power. Epfjorfem jfouv i^untrretr atttr &t)ittg'J^ottir. Women who are fond of splendid, gaudy dresses, are generally drabs. To prove this, try and get a sight of them en deshabille, when they do not expect visitors — say at breakfast time. &p5omm jFour f^tnttrretr antr CJtrtg^tttr. Persons who make a mystery of every thing they hear, are uniformly either fools or knaves. The fools do so to acquire, as they suppose they do, a little con- sequence, from being possessed of a secret, (probably not worth keeping,) and the knaves are mysterious to effect some purpose of their own. &pf)«msm ,jfour Hutrtrrrtr atttr €%ivtfrdf(\utt% Mystery, however, is useful for the purpose of con- cealing ignorance. If you are consulted upon a point of which you are profoundly ignorant, you may often gain the reputation of being perfectly conversant in all its details, by a few mysterious looks, words, and gestures. 147 Stf&orfem if out Suirtrrrir antr Cjjtttg^ tftf). The greatest masters in the science of mystery, are lawyers and medical practitioners. apjjorumt tf our f^untrretr antr CJirt^SfxtJ. Some people will not eat in the forenoon, lest it spoil their appetite for dinner. This is absurd. If a man is really hungry, why keep himself in a state of torture — for such I hold hunger to be — for several hours that he may at last enjoy a guzzle, in the perfor- mance of which, ten to one he disorders his stomach by inordinate indulgence, the result of previous starva- tion ? &pf)orfem jfoux Hunlrrttr antr €1)ttt8-g>etentfj. The biscuit sold under the name of " Abernethy Biscuit," was neither invented nor recommended by the celebrated surgeon of that name. Its fabricator was a baker named Abernethy, who gave it his own name, and who seems to have been no mean adept in the art of humbug. &pljorfem ,df our f^untrretr antr Cfjttts^gW If you have a disobedient child, you may generally thank yourself for it. Obedience when insisted upon during childhood grows into a habit which is seldom 148 broken in after life. It must, however, be enforced in every instance, for if in one or two you permit the child to baffle you, no good is done. If it wont obey quietly, use the rod. " I once saw," says Johnson, " a mother chastise her child seven times before it would do what she ordered. If she had stopped at the sixth, her child would have been ruined." This was strictly true, and I will answer for it, that the child never disobeyed again. Sipfjorfem jfour l^tmtrretr antr Cljtrtg-jftitttf). If you wish to make yourself agreeable to any one, talk as much as you please about his or her affairs, and as little as possible of your own. &pfjorfem jfonv f^untrretr antr jf ort(etf). Never read your writings to other people. They will probably, from politeness, listen to you, but will, for all that, consider you a great bore. &pl)orumt jfouv f^urttrretr antr jfovt&jfiv&t People profoundly stupid, are entitled to sincere respect. A moderately stupid person is insufferable, but one who is so in a colossal degree becomes instantly an object of veneration. 149 gpijortsm if our p^untrretr stttr if ortg^econtr. Never argue upon any subject. If you do, let it be with a clever man whom you may perhaps convince, or with a fool whom you may puzzle. But not to argue at all is a good rule. You may conquer a man in this kind of " intellectual gladiatorship," but what does it signify, if you make him your enemy ? Depend upon it, no one likes to be out-argued. Whenever such an event takes place, the conquered party bears invariably a grudge against the victor. &pfjortsm if our f^utrtrrstr antr if ortg~&fnrtr. If a great arguer fastens upon you, the best w r ay to loosen his hold is to go in with all his assertions right or wrong — agree with him in every thing. This, if done in a politely sneering way, is an effectual cure. The more you stultify your own previous assertions the better. Eptjortsm if our ^untrrefc anfr jf ortg-if ourtfj. If you wish to annoy a little man, quiz him about his diminutive stature. He will affect to laugh at it himself, but will, for all that, hate you profoundly. &p?joriebentf). Writing does not fatigue the eyes so much as read- ing. Try ten hours of each, and you will find the difference. &pf)orfem ,jf our f^untrretr atrtr jf ortg~3Etg!)tf). The study of law has a sad tendency to pervert the intellect and destroy the capability of distinguishing between right and wrong. A lawyer (unless, indeed, his mind be of a high order, and soars above the en- slaving technicalities of his profession,) can never try 151 a point upon its absolute merits, but must have recourse to some legal precedent. In fact, the tendency of his studies is to annihilate the sense of natural justice and propriety, and substitute an artificial system in their place. If I wanted an arbitrator to decide on a point where nothing but common sense was required, a lawyer is the very last person I would employ. I should prefer the first country bumpkin I met with. &pf)ott8ttt if our p^mrtrtrir antr if ortg^tntf). It is impossible to predicate from what an author has done, what he yet may do. When Byron published The Giaour, The Bride of Abydos, and Siege of Corinth, it was prophesied that he would yet shine as a tragic writer of the highest order. When Scott produced Ivanhoe, it was said by Jeffrey, I believe, that nothing but the attempt was necessary to enable him to bend the bow of Shakspeare. What has been the result ? Byron attempted the drama, and failed most consummately, as witness, The Doge of Venice, Sardanapalus and The Two Foscari. Scott's dramatic efforts were a great deal worse. Who does not regret to think that The House of Aspen, Auchin- drane and Halidon Hill are from the pen of the author of Waverley ? I remember of reading many years ago, in the pages of The Edinburgh Magazine, 152 that Campbell was engaged in an Epic, which was, n my memory serves me right, to rub shoulders with the iEneid. If this poem has ever been written, the author has shown wisdom in keeping it in his desk, for with all his fine genius he would have made nothing of it. I cannot agree with Scott in regretting that Dry den never wrote his King Arthur. Depend upon it, glorious John would have failed. &#j)orism df our f^uttfrrrtr atttr jfiftittf). Important to rats and mice ! White cats with green eyes are always deaf. This fact I give on the authority of the public prints, in which it was enunciated some years ago. Sppoyfew dfnnv p^utttrretr antr tfiii&tfixti. Those who are most addicted to satirize others, dis- like most to be made the objects of satire themselves. ^pfjorfem jfour f^untrretr atttr ,jf tftg^Secottir. Henry Kirke White was a poor creature. The sickly sensibility of his mind rendered him interesting to the young ladies ; and he had a morbid tone of re- ligous feeling, which made him a favourite with pious people ; but as for genius, his share was small indeed. He never wrote a stanza which would have procured 153 insertion in any first-rate magazine, such as Blackwood, or JFraser, or the New Monthly. For the preposterous fame he has acquired, he is wholly indebted to the above circumstances, aided as those were by the able biography of Southey. StyDorfem jfotir ?§untrretr atttr if tftg4If)trtr. John Keats was a far more wonderful youth. In spite of his Cockneyisms, he had an exquisite and noble genius ; and though neglected at present, there can be no doubt that future ages will do ample justice to his memory. As a poet, Keats was not inferior even to Shelley, though his genius was of a totally different description. atpfjorfem ^our Huntrrrtr antr jfiftvrrfoutfy, It implies a want of feeling, amounting almost to baseness, to deride any one on account of bodily defects. Every generous man avoids even the slighest allusion to such misfortunes. &pf)oram ifour ^untrretr atrtr jf iftfrjf tftf). A complete Slang Dictionary is a desideratum. Captain Grose's was good, but the vocabulary of slang has been considerably enlarged since his day. The Slang Dictionary of Jon Bee, though the best modern 154 work, is yet sadly deficient in many particulars. Pearce Egan should endeavour to fill up this hiatus in English literature, by giving us anew and complete dictionary on the subject. &pf)ortsm jf out ^untrretr atrtr jpiftfi*£fct&. A little pepper is a great improvement to straw- berries and cream. Those who never tried it will doubt the fact, but " tasting is believing." gtyljomm jFour f^utrtrrrtr mttr jf tftg-gtfbetttf). A person who sees a good farce or comedy, and does not laugh at the same, is an ass. &pfjortsm $ our ^untrrelr antr ,jf tftg^Stgfjtl). A boy who is distinguished at school for intense stupidity, either turns out a veiy clever man or a con- firmed ass : there is no medium. Thomson the poet, Dean Swift, Sam. Johnson, Walter Scott, &c. when schoolboys, were reckoned the dullest of the dull, and had the reputation of being incorrigible blockheads. &pf)orism if our f^utrtrrrtr amir jf tffs=#ttttf). To break an appointment, without a strong and sufficient cause, is a breach of honesty. The con- scientiousness of a man who can do this is unquestion- 155 ably deficient, and he would cheat in more important matters, if he could do so with impunity. &pl)otfem if out f^untrretr antr gixtittf). I have remarked that severe and logical thinkers write in a close hand, as if to save paper. Flashy, superficial thinkers, sport a wide rambling fist, with abundance of long, unmeaning dashes. &P$omm ifour i^untrretr atttr StxtjfcdFfrfit Persons who declaim against prize-fighting, are sumphs. &pSomm jfout J&inflrt'dr atttr £txt^£ecotttr. Those who are cut off by consumption, are the most amiable of the human race. There is almost always much gentleness and resignation in the victims of this accursed disease. Rough, coarse minded, peevish people, it passes by, and fixes upon those who seem destined to beautify and elevate human nature by their many virtues. 8p$orfem ifour ^utttrretr aittr StxtS^trtr. There are some people upon whom it is impossible to affix a nickname : there is a propriety or force of mind about them, which repels the soubriquet, and 156 makes it recoil with shame upon the contriver. There is an essential want about a man upon whom a nickname is easily fastened : he is either very weak, or has some very absurd point in his character. &pf)0rfem jf out f^untrretr atrtr SixtB^if outtf). If you see a man extremely and systematically grave, the chances are that he is a blockhead, who, conscious of his deficiencies, wishes to make his gravity pass for profound wisdom. None have less gravity than men of genius. They are not afraid to unbend and become playful and sportive, as is the case with the pompous and the stupid. gpfjotfem iFour f^untrretr attir gixtfrjfiftt). Ireland is renowned for the production of giants and dwarfs. The late O'Brien, a native of the Land of Potatoes, was the tallest man ever produced in this kingdom. His stature was eight feet eight inches. Stytjorism if our f^untrretr antr £{xt££&ixt$. Never, unless under very particular circumstances, either give or accept a letter of introduction. The bearer of such epistles is looked upon as a bore by those to whom they are addressed ; and the writer, instead of being thanked, is heartily detested for his pains. The 157 introducer and introducee are thus placed on nearly the same footing, and both very heartily wished at the devil. &p|)orfem ^our ^untrretr atrtr Stxtg^bentf). It is curious how extremes meet. A vulgar woman is much more likely than a real lady to be fascinated by a coxcomb. Women of the first stamp are generally fixed upon for wives by our puppyish, dandified men. She who is a lady in mind, as well as in manners, has a natural contempt for foppery, and prefers a man of plain unaffected demeanour. &pJjori*m tfnux f^untrretr antr Sixt^iSigfitj). Never praise or talk of your children to other people, for, depend upon it, no person except yourself cares a single farthing about them. &pl)orfem ,jf our f^untrretr antr Stxt^Hmtf). If a man carries off a prize at the university, it can- not thence be inferred that he is possessed of superior talent ; because the prize so gained may be for a very indifferent production: his opponents may have been blockheads, or, if clever men, what they have produced on the occasion may, from carelessness, or some other cause, be below mediocrity. In such a case, an inferior may carry off the palm from a superior mind. To 158 place the merits of the successful composition beyond a doubt, we should peruse it, and thus ascertain whether it be or be not a work of talent. Every body knows that the majority of Oxford prize poems are sad affairs; and yet, from the keen and numerous competition, one might, a priori, be apt to imagine that the successful candidates would, on a future day, attain a lofty station in Parnassus. How far this has hitherto been verified, let works bear witness. With the exception of Milman, Wilson, Heber, and some two or three others, who ever heard of an Oxonian prize poet ever cutting the least figure in the realms of the muse ? &3)ljo?fem if out f^untrretr atrtr &z\izxi\it\% The best of liqueurs is rum shrub. gtyfjimsm dfnuv p^tmtrreir atttr Seimtt^jf ttgt It is impossible for a man under five feet ten to succeed in the House of Commons. Curran, with all his eloquence and varied talents, was lost in consequence of his deficient longitude. Jeffrey, from the same cause, is a mere cipher in St. Stepen's. Ditto Wilber- force, who only obtained a hearing on account of his heading the saints. Ditto Shiel, Lord John Russel, Hobhouse, and many others. In short, an act should be passed disqualifying little men from sitting in Parlia- 159 ment. The eloquence of such representatives, however good in itself, is entirely thrown away upon the Grand Council of the Nation. &pf)orfem if our g^untrreSr atrtr Szzbtntyz&ztQriis. If you are challenged to fight a duel, and have reason to believe that a loaded pistol really will be discharged at you, it is a good plan to give a hint of your intention — not forgetting time and place — to some timid friend, who will take care to inform the authorities of the con- templated meeting, and thus frustrate the sanguinary designs of your opponent. apjorfem ifour f^untrretr ants Sebetttg-CJirtr. The hostile meeting being thus frustrated, it is a good plan to get into a terrible rage, and to swear roundly that it was your antagonist who gave the information. As he will be bound over to keep the peace, you are of course perfectly safe. ^pfjorfem dfouv f^untrretr antr Setentg^ ourtf). Young people should not be brought up very strictly. There is a proper medium which ought always to be kept in view. Some parents will not allow their children to go to the theatres, or read novels, lest their minds be corrupted thereby, but this is altogether 160 erroneous. Neither novel reading or theatricals, unless indulged in to excess, will do harm, and may sometimes be useful in keeping the individual from worse pursuits. Boys so rigidly brought up are exceedingly apt to dash into wild excesses when the tension is relaxed, as it must be when they get beyond the state of pupilage. Inculcate every virtue in the minds of your children, but do not conceal from them that such a thing as vice exists ; nor keep them in ignorance of the world as it goes. The idlest of all attempts is that of keeping certain books out of the hands of children : the effort only stimulates their curiosity, and encourages decep- tion. When I was a boy, I got a copy of Joseph Andrews, which the master of the academy where I boarded took from me, saying it was a most improper book to read. What was the consequence ? I deter- mined from that moment to read the work, and, with the first pocket money, got it from a circulating library, and read it by stealth, and with infinitely more relish and care than if I had been placed under no interdict. The worthy man wished to preserve my morals, and I repaid his endeavours by cheating him on the first opportunity. &*>f)orujm A if our f^untrretr antr Sebetttg^tftf). It is most difficult to judge of the merits of any 161 composition which is spoken or recited. On this account, some speeches and essays, which, when listened to, seem most admirable, turn out to be downright trash when put into print and deliberately perused. Styljotfem ifour ^utttrretr atitr £ebent^£>txtf). In travelling, per coach, avoid the head or foot of the table when you stop for dinner. If you are fool enough to seat yourself at either of these extremities, you must make up your mind to get little for yourself — and that little not comfortably. &pf)orfem if our ^untrretr antr gebents^ebentf). To teach a person logic or mathematics for the pur- pose of making him a good reasoner, is the height of absurdity. The worst reasoners and most confused thinkers are those who have attempted to strengthen their argumentative faculties by such a preparation. apjotfem if our i^untrretr anfc £ebettt2=3£tgfjtf). Some ladies will not wash themselves with soap, lest it spoil their skin. This is absurd. Soap, by cleansing the surface of perspiration and other impurities, must be — as it certainly is — the best means of keeping the skin in a pure and wholesome state. H 2 162 &$f)orfem jf our f^untrretr antr Seijentg=#intt). Philosophers have never been able to decide whether a man suffers most disgrace by having his nose pulled or receiving a kick on the seat of honour. This point ought to be settled with all due speed, that people, in extreme cases of provocation, may know how to act. &pf)otism if our p&untrretr antr <£tgf)ttetf). Two servants who have much combativeness and self-esteem in their dispositions seldom agree together. A sharp colloquial fire, with a graceful touch of Bil- lingsgate, may, in such a case, be expected between the parties. One servant, however, of this tempera- ment, and one who is not, may not only live in the most perfect harmony, but come to like each other very much, the milder unconsciously giving way to, and acknowledging the supremacy of the stronger spirit. &p5ortsm $ our p^untrretr antr Xig|jt8*dF(r0t Young women who wish to get married, should set off without delay to Van Diemen's Land, where, at the present moment, there is a sad deficiency of the fair sex. &pfjorfem if our ?§untrretr antr iEtgfjtg'Sbecontr. If you see a book much puffed, the chances are that it is good for nothing. 163 &p5orfem tfmv l^untrtetr antr ^igfjtgsffi&tttr. Never lend your horse to any body, though he be your dearest friend. This, however, need not prevent you from borrowing his, if you can get it. &Pl)orfem if our f^untrrrtr antr 3£tgf)tg=jf ourtf). Some medical men will not make a charge for their attendance, but leave it to the patients themselves. The sooner this " what you please" system is abolished the better. It is disgaceful to see the members of a learned profession imitating the practice of cab drivers or porters. The whole affair is a direct tax on the generosity of their friends, and arises from sheer greed — as they expect more to be given than they have the face to ask. &p5orfem if our f^untrretr antr lEtgfjtg^if tftf). Should you send an article to a magazine, which is rejected, never on this account think the worse t)f the article ; but always impute its rejection to the stupidity and bad taste of the editor. This aphorism, however, is so universally acted up to, that it is hardly necessary to enforce it. &pfjomm if out f^untrretr antr 3£igJjtg=£>txt?). In travelling inside the coach in cold weather, sit 164 with your back to the horses if you can — which some cannot — without getting sick. This position is much warmer than the opposite. &pt)orfem if our f^utitrretr amtr 3£tg!jts^ebetttf). If you practise gymnastics, never try your hand at heavy lifts. Many a pretty man has been ruptured for life by such folly. &pf)orfem if our f^untrretr atrtr i£igfjtg45tg$t5. You may guess the prosperity of a Dutchman by the number of breeches he has on ; and of a New- haven fishwoman by the multiplicity of her petticoats. gtyfjorumt if our Huuirretr antr lBigfjt£?JlinU). I have already spoken of Ossiaris Poems and Wel- lington's stature as being mysteries, but a mystery still more impenetrable is the singular book entitled Baron Munchausen. No human being knows who wrote this strange production ; and no one can say whether it be a work of genius or arrant trash. Never did I meet with any person who could muster courage sufficient to give an opinion on its literary merits. As to the author of the book, he stands in the same darkness as Junius ; or rather he is more mysterious, for not even a surmise has been made upon the subject. 165 &pf)orumt jf our J^utttrretr arrtr &inttkt% A great deal of twaddle has been uttered about the cruelty of crimping fish, as if it made any difference to the animals whether they were bled to death or suf- focated for want of water. Styfjorumt jf out f^utttrretr amtr &Mt&jfmt Skinning eels alive, is, however, a most un-Christian custom, which should be abolished by act of Billings- gate. gtyfjortsm jfouv f^untrretr antr jUtnetg^econtr, Dress a Frenchman as you will, and it is almost impossible to give him the look of a gentleman. Even in his best toggery, the most highly bred Monsieur has more the air of a well-dressed barber or man-milliner than any thing else. Slpfjorfem if out f^untrrrtr antr jMnitjHCtlfcfc French women, on the other hand, even of the lower orders, have almost always the manners and — if well rigged out — the appearance of ladies. atf&ortem jf our f^untrretr antr ifcinetg^jf ourtf). The French, as a nation, are perfidious : as indivi- duals, they are generally very honest. In fact, the French canaille have far more honesty than our own. 166 &p5orfem if our ^utrtrtetr ants jfttntg-if tftf). The last aphorism suggests another, — viz.: That corporate bodies, in their collective capacity, are tyran- nical and exclusive, although perhaps every individual, taken separately, is quite the reverse. In like manner, mobs, considered in the aggregate, are brutal and cruel, when perhaps only a very small portion of the indivi- duals are so in reality. Vice seems to be infinitely more infectious than virtue. These facts I defy any person to account for: they are, as Coleridge says, " psycological curiosities." &pljorfem dfouv Huntrretr avto jfttnetg^txtfj. A Psycological Curiosity. This phrase of Cole- ridges has done a great deal of mischief. If any meta- physical proposition is started, and cannot instantly be unriddled, people, instead of, as in days of old, pommelling their brains to solve it, get out of the dif- ficulty at once by declaring, with imperturbable gravity, that it is a psycological curiosity. Sty!)otfem ifour f^utttrretr antr &inztv?&tbmt% If you meet with an only son who is not spoiled, either his parents or himself must be persons of the most sterling sense. The same remark applies to an only daughter. 167 &p*)omm jf our f^uttirrrtr antr |£met2siEigf)tf). If you owe a number of accounts and cannot con- veniently settle them all at the time, pay off the smaller ones first, as you are much less likely to get long credit for them than for large accounts. This saves a good deal of dunning, and may save your credit also. &pfjorfent jf our f^utttrrrtr antr |Mttet2=#mtf). The antipathies of some men are extremely praise- worthy. Mr. Theodore Hook's virtuous indignation against steel forks, and Mr. Cobbett's laudable antipathy to the Scotch, come under this head. When an author publishes a book, there are certain periodicals upon whose unqualified praise of his pro- duction he can calculate to a certainty, and others in which he is quite sure that it will be cut up and con- demned. The greater the sway of a bookseller over the reviewers, the better for the book. &pf)oriivUtntf). Some self-conceited people will not read books, affecting to rely upon their good sense and observa- tion, which they allege are superior to any thing to be got by reading. I am sorry to say that Hobbes of Malmesbury has also sported a somewhat similar 172 theory. He advises us to read few books, lest we become as foolish as their authors. All such doctrines, however, are founded upon a fallacy. What are good books — which, of course, only should be perused— but the receptacles of the wisdom and bright thoughts of highly gifted men ? To say, therefore, that such should not be read, is to tell us we should shut our ears against what the wise and the talented have uttered ; and consequently to narrow the circle of our minds to the few stray ideas which we can pick up by our own solitary observation. All that one mind can so accu- mulate is comparatively little ; and he who would trust to that alone, and throw aside other means of acquiring knowledge, places himself at a disadvantage in reference to others who act differently, which he cannot but feel in whatever situation he is placed. &y5orfem jftbe f^untrreir atttr if outteetttf). In writing for the press, do so in a clear, legible hand, and only on one side of the paper. apfjorfem iftbe f^untrretr atrtr $ii\ztxi\% A connoisseur in wine is a great bore. How learnedly the blockhead discusses the merits of Port, Hock, Vino Tinto, Barsac, Lachryma Christi, &c! How sagaciously he applies his carbuncled bottle-nose to the 173 liquor ! with what awful importance he tastes it, smacks his lugubrious lips, and pronounces oracularly upon its merits ! These fellows must be extinguished, as insuf- ferable nuisances. apfjorumt jf ibe f^untiretr antr gixttzntf). Scotchmen have contrived to get into very bad odour throughout the West Indies ; but are allowed to have been the best slave-drivers in these islands. apfjotfam jfibz ?§untrrtfr antr £ebentontf). There are some works which can only be appreciated by poetical minds. Of these, the Arabian Nights, The Isle of Palms, and Christabel, are instances. Dull, common-place people can see no merit in such productions of genius. &pf)ortsw jfibe f^untrretr antr IHtgfiteetttf). There is perhaps not an instance of a man of genius having had a dull woman for his mother, though many have had fathers stupid enough, in all conscience. Talent, therefore, is much more communicable to the offspring from the maternal side than from the other. If a man wishes to have clever children, this may perhaps serve him as an apology for marrying a woman of talent, should all other excuses be wanting. 174 gtytjotigm jfibt f^untrretr atrtr ObintUtnty. Important to Rat Catchers ! The best way to catch rats, is to put any animal substance well perfumed with oil of rhodium into a trap. This induces them to enter readily, and even draws them from a con- siderable distance, as they are extremely partial to this oil. &pl)0rtsm jfiU f^tmtrretr ants &toettttetf). A Physiological Aphorism. The first born of per- sons who marry very young, are generally far inferior in intellect to those that come after, when the intellects of the parents are in greater vigour and maturity. &p?)oru$m jf tbe i^untrreXr antr Ctoentg^jf trst. If an animal possesses a number of useless or bad qualities, it is sure to be a favourite with some people, to whom its very inutility seems a recommendation. The good-for-nothing lap-dog, the monkey, and the babbling parrot are illustrations of the truth of this remark. &pt)orfettt jfiu ^utttrtetr antr €totntfr&mtto. Talking of parrots, these creatures, as well as mice, can live without drink. Fluids are not essential to 175 their existence, although both animals take water readily when it comes in their way. N. B. Parsley kills parrots. &pf)orism JfiU f^untrretr atttr Ctoentg^trlr. A quick tempered man should never marry a woman, however otherwise estimable, whose temper is analogous to his own. When two fires meet, there is the deuce to pay. &2Sorism jfibt ^untrretr arits Ctoentg*dF ourtf). Many persons have a singular incapacity for acquiring a knowledge of the world. This even happens when they possess excellent talents and knowledge, and have had every opportunity of seeing life. A man must be born with the faculty of knowing human nature ; and when this is the case, he knows it well, though his experience is limited. Many men have seen as much of the world as Shakespare, Tacitus, Fielding or Moliere, yet how few have possessed their deep insight into the workings of the mind ? Styfjorfem jfibz f^untiretr ants Cfoentg^if tftf). The most useless of studies is metaphysics — next to that, logic. I might, perhaps, except political economy which is equally bootless, and capable of producing a thousand times more mischief. 176 &pf)otumt iftbe i^untrretr antr €totntfc&ixt% Valour and strength are much more prized in the country, than in towns. In the latter a man may be a sneak in mind, and a snip in bodily vigour, without being thought the less of — not so in the former, where he who can lick his comrades and has good pluck, is sure to be an immense favourite with the girls, and to be highly respected by his own sex. apfjomm $ (be f^untrretr atrtr Ctoentg^betttt). The goodness of a composition is in some degree affected by the state of the pen with which it is written. Cceteris paribus, we compose better with a good than a bad pen : the latter has a tendency to confuse our ideas by annoying us and putting us out of temper. According to the Laird of Macnab it is impossible to write correct orthography with a bad pen. apfjoriam jf ibe f^untrwtr atttr Ctoottg^igfitf). Children should be dressed like children. This is worth remarking at the present time, when so many of them of both sexes are seen strutting about habited like men and women. Boys of six in surtouts and high crowned hats, and girls of the same age with long shawls and muffs, are too much of a joke. P. S. Talking of boys, these young gentlemen should 177 sport petticoats for a year or two longer. They are too soon breeched. Things were managed differently in former times, but this, to be sure, is the age of intellect. &pf)otfem if ibe Sutttrretr atttr Ctoent»*JMttt!J. Keen politicians are asses. &pf)ortsttt if (be p^uttfcretr atttr ftfjttttetf). Never read to others the letters which you receive from your friends. Nobody cares a rushlight about the correspondence of his neighbour: and what may appear to you a matter of vast importance, will seem to him, in all likelihood, the merest balderdash. apHorfom if tbe p^utttrretr atttr &f)trtg'if tart. The conduct of Columbus, during his voyage to America, when his men mutinied and were on the point of throwing him overboard, affords perhaps the noblest instance on record of the moral sublime. &pDivt&jfitt% The burlesque and the mock heroic, which are gen- erally supposed to be synonymous, are directly the re- verse of each other. The former makes great things little, the latter little things great. Bombastes Furioso in which kings, generals, and ministers of state are re- presented squabbling, fighting, and killing each other about a kitchen wench, is a good illustration of the burlesque. The ridiculous self sufficiency and laugh- able dignity of the Laird of Cockpen, partake essen- tially of the mock heroic. Every body knows the Rape of the Lock, where sylphs, gnomes, and such " small deer " are made to perform the most import- ant functions — nor must that truly admirable poem Anster Fair be omitted, where Tommy Puck exer- cises such an influence over great personages, not for- getting Rob the Ranter, and Bonnie Maggie Lauder. The ancients also dealt in the mock heroic, as witness 180 the Battle of the Cranes and Pigmies, and other pieces. When a man boasts of having performed any feat notoriously beyond his power of execution, he instantly ascends into the regions of the mock heroic. ^pfjorfem jfiU ^untrretr antr €§irtfc&ixt% A Hint to Actors. The burlesque should always be performed by tall, and the mock heroic by little &ptjori$w if toe p^utrtrretr antr €fjtrtg'g>etettt!j. If you are anxious to be in good terms with a man, never beat him in argument. Such a victory is abso- lutely never forgiven. By allowing him to conquer you in this species of " intellectual gladiatorship," you make him your friend, and may calculate upon being frequently asked to dine with him. &pf)orfem jftbe f^untrrrtr anti &fjtrt2~tf>. When cigars are green and mouldy on the surface, it is considered a proof of the superiority of the stuff of which they are made. Taking advantage of this erroneous notion, some tobacconists contrive to give them such an appearance of mould by means of a little acid. " The supposed superiority of speckled cigars is all fiddle-de-dee." So saith the sagacious author of Twelve Golden Rules for Cigar Smokers, The sounder the jacket of the cigar, the better. If you are the son of a tobacconist, dont join the " Tenth," or you will be sneezed out of the regiment. This sternutatory process was, it is said, successfully put in practice against young L* # *y* # *t. ^pfjortem ^tbe f^untirrtr antr ,jf tfttrtfj. The best gamekeeper is an old poacher. 185 &pTjorism if tbe J^untrretr aittr if tftg=if trst. If a woman writes in a bold, manly hand, depend upon it, she has got a masculine mind. There is a much greater analogy between the hand-writing, and the character of individuals, than people are aware of. apjorfent if tbe f^untrretr antr if tftg^econtr. If there is a delicate, deformed, or weak-minded child in a family, it is generally the favourite with its parents. This is a beautiful illustration of nature taking the part of the most helpless. &pf)orfem if tbe f^untrretr atttr if tftg-ffifu'rtr. Sometimes very bad books have good titles, but a really good book has never an absolutely bad or affec- ted denomination. It is impossible to conceive a work of the latter description, bearing such a name as The Sighs of Sensibility, The Susceptible Spirit, or any thing of that mawkish and twaddling sort. apjorfem if tbe Pjuntrtetr antr if tftfi-if outtfj. Do not imagine we are indebted to tailors for all the various inventions in the matter of dress. That odd piece of toggery called a spencer, was invented by the Earl of the same name, who undertook for a wager to appear in public with the skirts of his coat cut away. I 2 186 Being a leader of the haut ton, this piece of sartorial deformity, became straightway fashionable. ^tyljorfem jftbe p^untiretr antr tf tftg^jf tfti). In some districts of England, when a servant is hired it is customary to ask him whether he chews or bolts his bacon. If he be a bolter, he receives higher wages, it being considered that the chewer is the more vora- cious animal of the two. This may be a lie, but the story is current in many places, and I never heard it contradicted. P. S. It is curious that the term bolt, as applied to swallowing, does not occur in Johnson's dictionary. &p!jotfem tfiU f^utrtrrrtr antr dfiftfr&ixtf). Diogenes, the cynic, was either a madman or a self- sufficient blockhead. His living in a tub, if it did not proceed from lunacy, had its origin in a vain desire of appearing singular in the eyes of the world. Most eccentricities have their origin in this feeling. Stytjorfem Jfibt J^untrteti antr if tft^Sebettt % The most obsequious creature on the face of the earth is a candidate for a seat in Parliament. The contrast between these gentlemen before and after their election, is extremely edifying and amusing. 187 apDorfem if tbe ^tmtrretr antr ,df tft2=i£tgf)tj). Nine-tenths of the bears grease sold in the perfumer's shop is neither more nor less than hog's lard ; nor is the imposition of much consequence, as the one is just as good as the other. apljorfem $ (be f^untrteir atttr jf tftg:#intfj. An accomplished woman, in common parlance, means one who sings and dances well, knows a little French, a little Italian, a little drawing, a little embroidery, and not much of any thing, excepting fashionable novels, in which she is a great adept. &2t)orfem df&t f^untrretr anir Sixtieth A person's character may be often judged by the shake of his hand. Those who give their hand loosely, and without making any pressure, are generally cold, insipid, phlegmatic, characters. &p!)orfem iftbe f^utttrretr attir fbhifcdffxfh In these perilous times, when you submit your chin to a barber, never talk about politics till you ascertain his principles on these matters. It is dangerous to put one's throat in the mercy of a man armed with a razor, especially if he be a red-hot politician, which all shavers are, without exception. a &pf)ortsm $ tbe J^utttrtxtr atrtr gixt&g:ziortti. Better grapes are grown in the hot-houses of Great Britain than in any part of the Continent. &pfjotfem jfibz l^untrretr antr £ixt2H(pt)irfe. The closest approach made in this life to immortality is by annuitants. They are certainly the longest lived of the human race. Swift's Strulbrugs must have been annuitants. &pf)orfem if tbe Huntrretr atrtr Sixtg^jfourtti. It is absurd to erect commemorative monuments. True greatness perpetuates itself, and requires no such accessories. Such men as Shakspeare, Bacon, and Newton, live in their works, which are more enduring than a thousand pillars of brass. Those who have not merit enough to ensure perpetuity, should be quietly forgotten. The attempt to make their names live by means of monuments, is an idle struggle against fate, as well as common sense. &pf)omm $i\st p^untrretr antr &txtg=-if tftfj. A Curious Fact. High-couraged dogs have always much width between their ears. This is strictly phreno- logical, and was known to canine fanciers many gen- erations before Gall existed. 189 Stytjorfem if tbe f^untrtetr antr £txtg*&uct$. Robert Montgomery's Omnipresence of the Deity has supplanted Paradise Lost in various academies in England. The cause is obvious. Montgomery's non- sense is adapted to the nonsense of the academies. This is a splendid illustration of the march of intellect, ■ylertom Jf ibe f^untrretr atrtr Stxtg^ebentfj. The less a man knows about household matters the better. These he should leave to his wife, if he has one, or to his housekeeper, if he has not ; yet some men are cognizant of every trifle which passes in the family. They know how much soap is giyen out to the domestics, how many candles are burned weekly in the kitchen, and other things equally unworthy of notice by a manly character. Such " hussey-fellows," as they call them in Scotland, should have the dishclout pinned to their coat tails, to teach them better manners. &pJjorfem ^fibe f^untrretr antr &txts4£tgfitf)* Of all the papers in this kingdom, the two which expose humbug most ably and unceasingly are John Bull and The Age. Of their imputed scurrility, and other peccadilloes, I say nothing. The satirical poetry of both is admirable, and often quite worthy of Dean Swift. 190 &pl)otfem jf tbe ^unirretr antr S>txtg'jjint5. Of all writers, he who has fallen from boundless popularity into the most perfect neglect, is Peter Pindar. His sins against decency, and his attacks on private character, were certainly unpardonable, but he had such good stuff in him, and some of his pieces are so capital in their way, that his eclipse becomes a subject of curious speculation. &pf)orfem if tbe f^utttrreir atrtr gebenttetfj. The best tooth-pick is one made of a soft quill. Metallic ones are injurious to the teeth, and should be eschewed by all who value their masticatory organs. &p$orfem if tbe ^tmtrretr antr Sebetttg^if trst Pea-soup should always be seasoned with celery. This is worth mentioning, as the circumstance is often overlooked by ignorant or careless cooks. 8pfjorfettt if tbe ^utrtrretr antr Sbebentg^eccitrtr. A foolish prejudice prevails among many people against the skate. If this fish is hung up and dried for a day or two, then cut in slices, done on the gridiron, and eaten with butter, it is most delicious. N.B. The female skate is more delicate than the male. 191 &p$otfew ,jf tbe f^untrretr antr £ebent2=€1)trtr. The " Tenth" proved themselves especial coxcombs — not to say asses — when they sent Cornet Battier to Coventry for calling for porter after dinner. This crusade in high circles against malt liquor is absurd, and ought to be blown up. &pl)orfem jf tbe f^untrretr antr Sebentg-if outtfl. It is customary to talk of the School for Scandal being the finest comedy in the English language. This is ridiculous in the face of such works as Farquhar's comedies, and She Stoops to Conquer. Talking of comedy, it is singular that neither Smollett nor Fielding, though gifted with the richest humour and deepest insight into the odd peculiarities of character, had much talent for this species of composition. This, I suppose, we must call a psychological curiosity. &pSorfem if tbe f^untrretr antr gbebentg=jf tftf). Ask a hundred people, saints or sinners, what rela- tion Mordecai the Jew was to Queen Esther, and ninety-nine of them will answer, her uncle. &pf}otfem jf tbe ^untrretr antr gebentg-£txtf). We often hear broad-chested men talked of as being peculiarly powerful, but a round chest indicates greater 192 strength than a broad one, and is, besides, less subject to disease ; this, indeed, is a natural consequence of superior vigour. Cceteris paribus, the rounder a man's body is, the greater is the strength he possesses. This fact is well known to the fancy. A man with a round, deep chest, promises to make the best boxer. Mortem jfibz ^uitfotefr atrtr ^ebentg'Sebentl). The most inveterate enemies are satirists and rival wits. Voltaire and Piron detested each other, — Quin hated Foote, and all the small wits of the age kept up a sort of pigmy warfare against Dryden and Pope. &pf)orism jfibz p^unforefc atrtr £ebent^l£tgf)tf). National reflections are the vulgarest that can possibly be indulged in, and can only proceed from a mind essentially ignorant or ignoble. A man may disgrace his country, but his country never can disgrace him. &pfjorisnt jfibt f^utrtrretr anfr Sebentg-jlittttl). Of all animals, the goose has the strongest sense of honour. If one of a flock commits an oifence against the community, she is immediately black-balled, and none of the sisterhood (or brotherhood) will associate with the offender. When last in Caithness, I saw an unlucky goose which was thus sent to Coventry by her 193 fellows. She was compelled to keep several yards in the rear of the others, and if she attempted to mingle with them, was instantly attacked. What dire offence she had been guilty of I could not learn. &pT)orisitt iFtbe f^untrretr atttr f)orfem jfibt ^unfotetr atrtr iStgJjtgsiStgljttj. The worst Greek scholars in Europe are the Scotch. There is not, at this moment, even a second-rate Grecian in the Land of Cakes. Its present Greek potentates are no exceptions to the rule, being merely " one-eyed monarchs among the blind," 196 ^ptjorfem jf tbe f^utrtrretr atrtr ISigijtg'Jitntfj. Yet Scotland has produced the two most consummate and elegant Latinists of modern times, — viz. Buchanan and Melville. &pf)orfem £ (be f^unirretr antr jMnetiettJ. If you meet with a man who affects to sneer at illustrious ancestry and connections, you may be sure that in his own pedigree he has nothing to boast of. People who are highly connected, are invariably proud of the same, however much their good sense may pre- vent them from talking upon the subject. ®$fjovim if tbe Hutrtrrefr antr &intt&dfmt The admirable Crichton was, after all, I suspect, a humbug. His fencing, and other gymnastic excellen- cies, together with his knowledge of languages, his eloquence, acting, and musical genius, I am not disposed to question ; but the fact of his foiling whole conclaves of erudite doctors and professors on all points of human learning, is too much of a joke. I have no doubt that the secret of his success consisted in bamboozling the old fellows with interminable disquisitions on metaphy- sics and other scholastic subtilties. He possessed, in great perfection, the art of mystifying ; which faculty, favoured by the vague, undefined, foolish topics upon 197 which the parties disputed, enabled him to gammon his antagonists, throw dust into their bewildered eyes, and thus gain an apparent victory over the whole University of Paris. ap$ortam Jftbe p^untrreir atrtr Jiittetg-Jrercmtr. Rather put up with a considerable loss than go to law. &p!jori«mt jftbe f^untrretr antr i^tnetg^Tfjtrtr. A girl who shows an alacrity to run off with you (her parents being strongly opposed to the match) is not likely to make a good wife. The same want of respect to them, which is exhibited in such alacrity, will most probably be extended to yourself after marriage. If you run away with a girl, let it be with one who only submits to such a step after a severe and distressing struggle between affection and duty. One who has no such struggle, but agrees at once to violate the duty she owes to her parents, will not, in all likelihood, prove very dutiful to her husband. &pf)orfem ,jf tbe p^utttrretr atttr $Mntt$zjf ourtfj. A story-teller, or dealer in anecdote, is an abomina- tion that ought to be expelled from all well-regulated societies. A man of an original and truly powerful mind never deals in anecdotes, unless it be for the pur- 198 pose of illustrating some general principle. Weak- minded people are all addicted to the vice. If a per- son of this description begins to annoy a company with his or her twaddle, a good cure for it, is to affect deaf- ness — a very convenient infirmity at times. Another is-— as soon as he begins to tell a story, pretend that you have already heard, and are familiar with all its particulars. A dose or two of this is a sickener. ajforfem if (be p^utrtrretr atttr jfttttetg-if tft$. When you go to a public ball, or large public assembly of any kind, take an old hat with you. If, on coming away, the said hat cannot easily be found, from being confused among a multitude of others, be sure to supply yourself with the best of the lot you can find. Nothing like honesty. ®$\oxim iftbe f^untrretr antr &intt&S:ixtf). On such occasions, should you be desirous of having refreshments, apply early, for the tables are invariably soon cleared of their viands — leaving for after-comers nothing but empty boards. &pf)«msm ,jf tbe ^untrretr antr Jlmets^ebetttf). Pythagoras was undoubtedly a ventriloquist. We read of his addressing the river Nessus, which, we are 199 told, replied in a soft voice like that of a woman, which is exactly the ventriloquial voice when repre- sented as coming from a great distance. &p5orism jf tbe f^untrretr antr J£utet^<£igtJtfi. If you hear a man boasting how much he can drink, depend upon it, he is an habitually sober person. A real drunkard never brags of these things : he is so much accustomed to the performance of great exploits, that he does not think it worth his while to relate them. This is a proof of true magnanimity. A glutton, also, .shows not a little of this greatness of mind, and never boasts of his performances, but eats his way in silent consciousness of his power; while lesser gastronomic stars are incessantly gasconading about feats, which he is in the daily habit of doubling, and which he views with the most perfect contempt. True greatness is invariably modest. No man thought less of his talents than Dando, of whom I have more than once had oc- casion to speak. &pf)0rtem jfibz f^utttrretr antr jjitttetg-jitntf). On going a long journey, wear shoes rather thick in the sole. They save the feet, and prevent them from getting blistered, much better than thin shoes. 200 Some parents have a great aversion to their children being married. The real cause, I suspect, consists in a dislike to becoming grandfathers and grandmothers. ftpfiotfem Stx p^utttrrtfr atttr jf trst It is to be regretted when a woman of talent is not born to a fortune ; for the very possession of high intel- lectual gifts must unfit her for performing many of the duties which devolve upon the sex in ordinary life. Such a woman, for instance, as Madame de Stael, would hardly cut a distinguished figure as a fabricator of plum- puddings ; nor would Joanna Baillie be peculiarly emin- ent in the manufacture of goosebery wine, cherry bounce, or apple tarts. I can conceive a better con- structor of pinnafores, baby linen, and petticoats, than Madame de Sevigne; and, in making a fashionable gown or pelisse, there would be no great difficulty in surpassing L. E. L. or the Misses Porter, even suppos- ing these accomplished ladies had served a regular apprenticeship to a mantua-maker. Miss Mitford, with all her talk about village dresses, would make, I sus- pect, an indifferent milliner. That the whole of these ladies would find themselves sadly out of their element in rectifying butchers', bakers', and confectioners' accounts, and in preparing, with their own fair hands, 201 pap and gruel for squalling children — to say nothing of serving out soap, candles, tea, and table-beer to the domestics, can hardly admit of a rational doubt. &pJjorfem g>tx f^untrretr antr Secotttr. A Yankee is an animal with straight hair, short teeth, long back, and no calves to his legs. &pl)omm §>u f^uttirretr antr ftfitttr. The Gascons are, par excellence, the greatest liars in Europe. Btfjorfsm &ix l^utrtrtetr mrtr Jfouvtl). Cleverness imposes much more upon an ordinary person than talent. The former is a light, smart, manageable commodity, and can show to advantage in a hundred situations, where the latter cannot be brought to bear. A clever man is smart, lively, talkative, and self conceited: a man of talent is seldom either the one or the other. The former is more popular with the million, because his intellect approaches more nearly to the calibre of their own. Sjftorfem g>u f^utitrretr antr tfifi% Modesty is one of the leading characteristics of great minds. Newton, whose discoveries filled the K 202 world, and revolutionized the whole empire of science, was one of the most unassuming of men. The mighty intellect and vast achievements of Laplace, only ren- dered him more conscious of his own ignorance; so true it is, that the more men know, the less do they think of themselves. &pl)0tujm Sbix f^untrretr atttr StxtJ. The best copyists in the world, are the Chinese. &pDoru$m g>u i^tmtrtrtr atttr SebentJ. The only passion which age does not blunt, is avarice, which, the longer we live, only becomes the keener. fltfjarfem Sbix f^untrretr atttr OEtgfitf). The step of a Frenchman is too short, that of an Englishman too long. The former is minced and affec- ted, while the latter smacks too much of the grenadier. A little of the one added to the other, would consti- tute exactly the proper walking pace. &p?)otumt &ii Huttfcretr antr $mtf). If, in a foreign country, you see a man standing with his back to the fire, and the skirts of his coat kept apart and hanging in front over his fore- arms — thus 203 exposing the broadest part of his body to the influence of the heat — while, at the same time, he has both hands in his breeches pockets, you may, to a dead certainty, pronounce him a native of Great Britain, or Ireland. ^Dorfem gix j^untrretr stttr Centf), Avoid speaking to yourself. A person looks extremely foolish, when caught in such a predicament. It is highly absurd to press people to eat or drink. To force a man to consume more than he desires, is compelling him to bestialize himself, for the purpose of obliging his landlord. &P$orfem g>u i^utttrretr atttr Ctoelftfj. In educating young people, far too little attention is paid to the dispositions and talents of the individual. It is utterly wrong to make a combative, litigious, bad tempered man a parson, and equally so to attempt transmuting into a soldier one who has neither activity of character nor personal courage. We often, from such misdirected powers, meet with priests who should have been lawyers, and soldiers who ought to have been priests. 204 ftjtyorfem 9w f^untrretr antr €f)trteentf). The best place to reduce an uppish and self-suffi- cient man to his proper level, is London. People of this stamp, who come from the provinces with high notions of their importance, dwindle into amazingly small dimensions in the Metropolis. &pf)omm Sbix f^untrretr antr jfouvUtnt% When you make a purchase, and hesitate between two articles, the best way to settle your doubts is to ask the shopkeeper which he would recommend. His advice being given, fix upon the one which he pro- nounces the worst, and you are sure to be right. fttfjoriftm Su Huntrretr antr jfifUtnt% Never run an account, unless there is an absolute necessity for so doing. Whenever the thing is practicable, pay ready money. You thus not only procure the article cheaper, but are prevented from purchasing follies, which you are very apt to do when there is credit in the case. &pf)otumt S>ix f^untrretr antr Sixteenth The danger of eating ice-creams in hot weather has been greatly exaggerated. Their extreme coldness renders it impossible to use them rapidly, and the tern 205 perature of the body is, therefore, only gradually re- duced. A draught of cold water, or ginger beer, under such circumstances, is attended with far greater risk. Styljimsm &ix l^untrretr antr SebenteentJ. A merchant, or country gentleman, who has a smattering of literature, and can write a tolerable article for a newspaper, is looked upon as a prodigy of genius, provided he happens to be rich. With a wealthy man, a little learning goes a great way : with a poor one, even the highest talents and most exten- sive knowledge, are generally little esteemed. &pf)orfem &ix f^utttrretr atttr iStgfjteetttf). With vulgar minds, much familiarity breeds con- tempt. The only way to gain the respect of such people., is not to become over intimate with them. This applies to the rich vulgar as well as to the poor. gtyfjorfem Sbix Huntrretr antr jMneteenQ. All admirers of simple perspicuity must be in rap- tures with Dr. Johnsons definitions of the words net and network. Here they are : " Net — any thing made with interstitial vacuities" — " Network anything reticulated or decussated at equal distances, with in- terstices between the intersections," 206 ftjftorfem Sbix p^mrtrrrtr antr Ctoentietf). All sensible Catholics laugh at purgatory and transubstantiation. Ditto at abstaining on certain days from particular kinds of food. &25otfem Sbix ^untrretr antr ffito$tttg*iPtttrt. A Hint to M. Ps. In franking letters write your names in such a manner, as may make it possible to decipher them. An absurd affectation of illegibility in their signatures has been long in vogue with members of the House of Commons. In this particular, they might take a lesson from the Peers, with whom such folly has not yet become fashionable. I suppose the Lords are not ashamed of their names. Women are far less apt to get bald than men, neither does their hair become so soon grey. I defy any physiologist to give a rational explanation of these facts. &p!)orfem Sbix ^utrtrtrtr ants €totntfr€f)ivti. If you hear of a clergyman getting the present of a service of plate, or even of a gown or bible, from the ladies of his congregation, you may safely bet ten to one that he is a bachelor. 207 &pf)orismt g>ix p^untrrrtr atrtr ffitoentg^ outti). Nothing is so easy as to play the critic. Small minds, on being shown a work of genius, whether in art or literature, set all their little wits to work to discover its defects ; and where none really exist, they are pretty sure to invent them. Superior intellects, on the other hand — those in particular who excel in the same depart- ment as that of the works submitted to them — are much more intent on finding out its beauties than its errors, and are invariably kind and generous in their judgments. Great minds differ from small in nothing more than this, that they can afford to bestow praise, which the latter cannot. Bp jotfem Sbix f^tmtrretr antr fttoentg=-if tftfj. It is a common remark that the proper time for composition is the morning. This may be the case with regard to scientific productions, where great accuracy and precision of thinking are required ; but as regards works of imagination, there can be no doubt that night is the period when, generally speaking, they are most felicitously produced. The nocturnal silence, the fading fire, the glimmering taper — in short, the loneliness and seclusion of the hour, are all favourable to the flights of fancy. Independently of this, the mind, in such circumstances, acquires a state of morbid 208 energy which it can hardly possess under the gaudy eye of day, and, consequently, its imaginative produc- tions are more apt to be characterised by originality and power. Stytjorigm &ix f^untrretr antr fttoente^ixtf). Good painters are generally good mimics. No wonder : painting is essentially a branch of mimicry. &pSortsm g>u f^untrretr antr Ctoentg'&ebetttfj. The longer we live, the shorter does time appear. The theory of this I take to be as follows : — The old are more familiar with time than the young. They have passed through a greater portion of it, and by thus becoming habituated to its progression, think less of a given quantity. A year is a great period to a child, because, compared with its previous existence, it embraces a long era : to the aged it is nothing, because, compared with theirs, it is as nothing. A per- son accustomed to walk forty miles a day, thinks little of ten. Another, whose diurnal walk does not exceed three, conceives ten a formidable task. To illustrate the point still farther : to a poor man, a guinea is a great deal of money; to a rich one, fifty times that sum is comparatively nothing. The same law holds with re- gard to the estimate of time by the young, who have had little of it, and by the old, who have had much. 209 &pfjorfem &ix f^untrtetr atrtr &foetttg^Etgfjtfj. Never marry a woman who has got a shrill, piercing voice : it is almost invariably the sign of a bad temper. I do not mean to say that the dove-eyed, soft-voiced damsels are always to be trusted, but you run less risk with them, than with the others. What says King Lear of his beloved daughter, Cordelia? — " Her voice was ever soft, Gentle and low; an excellent thing in woman." &pf)ortsm J?u f^utttrretr antr Cfoentg-fittttfj. The English have obtained the reputation of being the most suicidal nation in Europe. This is inaccurate : our neighbours, the French, are infinitely more addicted to the crime of self-murder. Let any one who doubts this visit the Morgue in Paris. Stytjorigm &ix Hunlrrdr atitr €f)trtt*t5. No man (or woman) should be jealous. If he has reason to believe that the girl to whom he is attached prefers another to himself, then let her go. What person of proper feeling or spirit would wish, for a wife, one whose undivided affections he did not possess ? It is equally foolish to entertain enmity against the favoured rival : he did not make the woman's heart, and is not answerable for its throbbings in his favour, K 2 210 &pf)ott<$m gjfr f^utttrrrtr antr C^irts^trst Talking of jealousy — do not on any account try to make those jealous who are attached to you, for the wanton and unfeeling purpose of trying their affection. Such conduct is extremely base, though too much practised. &fl!)0rfem &ix i^untrretr mttr Ctjfotg^econtr. Don't suppose that the wig is a modern invention. Astyages king of the Medes, and grandfather of Cyrus} sported one. For proof of this assertion, see Xeno- phon. &*>f)or(sm Sbix ^utrtrtetr atrtr Cjtrtg^jirtr. It requires a very peculiar talent to be a good magazine-writer. Many of our best three volume novelists have been put to their wits' end, in attempting articles for these works. There is no spinning a long yarn in the Magazines. Condensation of thought, sharpness, and tact, are indispensably requisite. In a novel, if one half is good, the other may be as trashy as you please ; but in a magazine, there must be no bam or balaam. Every paragraph must tell, and even a bad line is not to be tolerated. A person who can- not write on these principles, is not fit for the periodi- cals. 211 No creature is so attached to its young as the mon- key. partem Six f^utrtrreir atntr Ctjitt^if tftfl. When a man and his wife are mutually "my clearing " it at a great rate, and addressing each other as Mr. and Mrs. instead of by their Christian names, an immediate squall may be expected. These signs are infallible. &pi)oram Six f^untrretr anir &f>iTtfrSixt% When an author begins to copy himself, he is fairly "done up," and has reached the end of his tether. This is even worse than copying others, and indicates more complete intellectual exhaustion, &P$orusm Six gjuttirretr attfr €f\ittfrStUrtt% No class of persons are so easily deceived, as those who pique themselves upon their penetration. &p5oram Six f^untrtetr antr €f>ivtfc<®i$% Rather than undergo the restraint which some people submit to for the purpose of saving their clothes, a wise man will wear a suit extra, per annum. It is highly absurd to refrain from leaning against the back of the chair, lest the coat should be injured. Suppose 212 it be damaged a little, have we not the pleasure of enjoying, at will, this delightful position. A person cannot expect both to save his toggery and enjoy pleasure at the same time. &pfjortsm Sbix P^uttirrrtr atrtr €i)ivtfc&int% It is absurd to say that a person who breaks his word would not scruple to violate an oath. The smaller offence does not necessarily infer the capability of per- petrating the greater. ^ptjorfem 'Sbix f^untrretr antr if ortietl). A man who will yawn in the midst of a good story, would cut your throat. &ptJorfem Sbix f^untrrrtr antr jfovt&jfmt Yawning may be excited by taking hold of the tongs and opening them slowly several times. Of course, those upon whom the trick is practised must not be aware of your design. &jrt)orusm Sbi* f^utitrretr ant) ifortg^ecotrtr. When imaginative genius displays itself in childhood, it is generally accompanied with beauty of person. Giulio Regondi, George Aspull, Young Burke, and the Infant Lyra, are illustrations of the truth of this remark. 213 ^ptjortsm £>ia f^unfcretr antr jfovt&€fiivts. Platonic love is an absurdity. There is no such thing. What people so denominate is not love at all, but strong friendship. &pfjortsm Sbix ?§untrretr ants if ottg^if ourtf). Young people invariably wish to be thought older than they are. In a few years they are cured of this penchant, and run into the opposite extreme. ^pljortsm gix ^nntsxtts ants ,jf ortg^ tftf). An atheist must be a madman. He believes that effects can exist without a cause ; and if this is not lunacy, it would be difficult to say what is. &pfjortsm £>u p^utttrreir atttr jportg^ftixt!). Good operative surgeons are seldom good for any thing else in their profession; and the best general practitioners of the healing art are the worst operators. &p?)oruim Sbix ^nntsvtts autr iForts^ebentJ. A medical man whose knowledge is not confined entirely to his profession, is more likely to make an accomplished practitioner, than one who knows nothing else than medicine. The latter are invariably poor creatures, who are capable of taking a microscopic view 214 of the phenomena, which are presented directly before their senses, but are utterly incapable of generalizing from the great principles of science, and bringing them into practical operation. A man of this kind is easily known by an eternal and disgusting introduction of the shop into his conversation : the blockhead can talk of nothing else ; he bores his hearers, usque ad nauseam, with " potion, pill, fell bolus, and disease" — narrates some wonderful operation performed, ^e/* se — tells us of a miraculous discovery, (doubtless as important as that of America,) which he has just made by virtue of the steth- oscope ; and, in short, proves very satisfactorily, that the noblest of professions may be made to appear revolting and ridiculous in the hands of ignoramuses, like himself. It is absurd to call John Hunter a mere surgeon : a man of his expansive genius never, by any possibility, could have been so. Hunter was not only the greatest of surgeons but one of the greatest philosophers of modern times ; and had he peculiarly directed his mind to any thing else, he would have shone in it as brightly as in that department, which he did so much to honour and adorn. &pfjorfem g>u f^untrretr atrtr $ ortg^igfjtfj. The most unhappy beings on the face of the earth are politicians. 215 &p!)orfem g>u f^untrtetr atrtr jf otts^jfttntf). Those who express most sympathy for the misfor- tunes of others, are the least likely to lend them a helping hand in their distress. Crocodile tears, how- ever, they are willing to bestow in abundance, which must be a great comfort to the unhappy friends on whose behalf they are shed. &a$oru$m g>t.t f^uttircetr atttr jf tftfetl). Great moralisers are invariably cold hearted hypo- crites. Joseph Surface, in the School for Scandal, is a capital specimen of this class of beings. Well has it been remarked that hypocrisy is the homage which vice pays to virtue. ®$fjoxizm Six p^utrtrretr antr tfiitfrtfixtt. If you are wealthy, and treated with great respect and attention, asked frequently out to dine with the rich, and appointed manager of public institutions, and so forth, the chances are that it is not merit, but your purse, which procures you such distinctions. Wealthy people are very apt to take an opposite view of the case, and to suppose that to their talents or personal worth do they owe these honours ; hence the insufferable pride so often attendant upon the footsteps of opulence. When such people, from unpropitious circumstances, 216 lose their wealth, how miserably do they often sink in the scale of society ! They become thoroughly and essentially contemptible : their fair weather friends find it convenient to give them the cut direct, and they go sneaking about the public streets with threadbare coats and broken hearts. The greater their former state, the more complete their present degradation. Verily, " pride has got a fall;" and the world, with its usual good nature, acts up to the maxim of keeping a man down when he is down. Had these luckless spirits possessed native dignity or greatness of mind, the loss of their cash, though it impoverished, would never have rendered them contemptible ; but any glory which they had being built upon the fortuitous groundwork of wealth, necessarily sunk with its foundation, and left them in their native character of insignificance. &pljcirfem &ix J^untrretr antr ,jf tftg-Secontr. Never tickle children. It is a most cruel practice, which may throw them into convulsions, and render them nervous for life. Better to give them a good beating at once. &pf)orumt g>u f^untrcetr antr if tftg^Tfjtrir. Children should never be entertained with stories of ghosts or murders. The sooner the " raw head and 217 bloody bone" school of education is abolished the better. These horrible tales make a most forcible impression on the minds of young people, which it may require years to eradicate. Never frighten a child. If of a delicate, timid temperament, it may be injured for life by such a practice; and even bold children may be converted into arrant cowards. &pfjorts$m Six f^untrretr antr dfiftyzjf(mxt% Well-meaning men — so called — are ninnies. ggftortsm £tx i^tmtrretr antr tfift&tfii\% Good-natured women are angels. P. S. Always supposing them to be good-looking. &pfjottsm Sblx i^utrtrrstr antr jfift$~&ixtfj. The only labour which people never grudge to per- form is that of mastication. The jaws are most willing and indefatigable servants. &pf)otfem Six Htmtrtetr atttr ,jf tftg^bentf). No person has any right to complain of the extor- tion of quacks. Their trade is one of imposture ; and those who are simple enough to trust themselves in their clutches, have only themselves to blame. They deserve to be well fleeced for their folly. 218 &pf)orumt §bix i^untrretr mttr jfiitfct&igfttfi. A glutton is an abominable animal — not so an epicure who is entitled to rank among the philosophers. Some would-be wits, affect to sneer at epicures, as if so important a matter as eating was not worthy of a wise man's consideration. People, to live, must eat ; and he who can render most pleasant that by which they live, must be regarded as a benefactor of his species. Had Dr. Kitchener lived in ancient times, statues of brass would have been erected to his memory; and Monsieur Ude would have received divine honours. P. S. Epicures are seldom gluttons. gtyfjorfem Six ifeuvfovtb amtr ,if tft^jfttntt). Of the three British nations, the most difficult to gull are the Scotch. atyDorfem gix gjuntrreir antr &ixtitt% I have spoken of letters of introduction, but there is something of the same sort almost equally annoying. I allude to the stupid practice some people have got of introducing you to any friend whom they may meet while in your company. This is extremely annoying. It is very hard that a man cannot have the privilege of choosing his acquaintances, but must run the risk of 219 having any obtuse blockhead, or shallow nincompoop, foisted upon him, in this unceremonious manner, by the thoughtlessness of some foolish friend, who probably thinks he is paying him a compliment in bringing him in familiar contact with such animals. The thing is at once absurd and annoying, and ought to be put an end to. A man should be chary of introducing one friend to another — without permission — except in his own house. ^Sorfem g>u f^tmtrrrtr antr StxtgsjFtet There are some things, which a man may do with- out his character sustaining the slightest injury. He may cheat his neighbour to any extent in horse-deal- ing, steal umbrellas ad libitum, palm off modern pic- tures and cameos for antiques, and borrow money without repaying it. partem &ix f^utrtrrrir mtir Stxt^Secontr. It is highly absurd to call drunkenness a beastly habit. Who ever heard of a beast that was addicted to tippling ! It is too bad to libel the lower animals after this fashion. They are all, without exception, members of the Temperance Society, and very strict ones too ; for their abstinence is not confined to ardent spirits, but extends to wine, malt-liquor, and every 220 other intoxicating agent. Nor, when overtaken with low spirits, have they even recourse to tea or coffee, for the purpose of rallying them, as was the case with Voltaire, Fontenelle, and other philosophers. Epicures some of them may be, and others gluttons, but not one of the whole lot can be charged with sacrificing at the shrine of Bacchus, or getting drunk in honour of the jolly god. &pf)orfem Sbix f^untrretr antr £ixtg~&1)trtr. Great eaters are intensely selfish; nor does their selfishness extend alone to the gratification of the stomach, but pervades every action of their lives. The same invariable rule does not apply to drunkards. &pf)ortsm &ii f^untrretr antr Stxt^jf ourtfj. No animal has been more traduced than the rat. We vilify him as an anthropophagus because he de- vours his own species ; but, in this respect, are human beings a whit better ? When pressed for food, and on the brink of starvation, do not men, women, and child- ren turn cannibals, and eat each other. The rat does no more. He is not by nature a cannibal any more than ourselves, but is often compelled to become one by the force of circumstances. Who ever heard of a rat dining upon the body of his friend, if other food were procurable ? 221 &pf)otumt £u f^untrretr antr Sbtxtg^ tftfj. Scotch patriotism is all fudge. No person leaves his own country with more readiness than Sawney : in- deed, he is the most emigrative animal on the face of the globe. That he has as much amor patrice as other nations may perhaps be admitted ; but to say that he has more, is an assertion in the face of glaring facts to the contrary. &pf)orfem gu f^untrretr attir Jfctxtg-sHxtf) Those whose merits and claims to respect are gener- ally recognised, can bear a little quizzery and banter without difficulty, and even relish the jokes raised at their own expense. Those, again, who have some mis- givings as to their consequence or respectability, cannot tolerate freedoms of this kind, and sport fire and fury if the thing is practised against them. This holds true both as regards individuals and nations. The Ameri- cans have no patience under national reflections, and will be satisfied with nothing but fulsome flattery and preposterous and insincere confessions on the part of foreigners that they (the Yankees) are superior to every other people. How different is this childishness from the conduct of the old countries ? The French laugh at Monsieur Tonson — the English at that cutting satire upon the peculiarities of John Bull, Les Anglaises 222 pour Hire, acted in the Parisian theatres; and the Scotch at Sir Pertinax Macsycophanh Were such national squibs against Jonathan to be performed in America, the actors would enjoy the felicity of being pelted off the stage for their pains. Poor Anderson the singer was kicked out of the United States, for — it is said — indulging in some harmless jokes against the country while on his passage out. &p!jorfem Sbix l^uttXrretr antr Stxt^Sebetttf). When a tailor wishes to rest himself, he gets upon his feet. &ptJo?ism £u f^untrretr atrtr g>txt£4£tgljtf). Two of the greatest rarities to be met with are a corpulent private soldier and a lean sergeant. 8ty!)ott<>m £ta ^untrretr ants &ixt&&int% The most disinterested of mankind are recruiting sergeants, especially those employed in beating up for the Indian service. They are so kind as to promise all who will accept the bounty and proceed to Hindostan, not only speedy promotion to the rank of colonel or general, but the certainty of rapidly accumulating a large fortune; yet such is their amor patrice, and strong desire not to interfere with the fortunes of others, that they will on no account undertake the voyage 223 themselves, and thus realise in their own persons what they have so liberally held out to their neighbours. It is impossible not to admire such patriotism. &pf)ortsm Jrta f^untrretr antr £ebettti*tfj. The most sober people in the world, (if we may be- lieve their own account of the matter) are drunkards. They never taste a drop ; not they : so help them God! &p?)cirtsm Su f^untrretr antr srebentg^if trst. Never bind a book, until at least six months after it has been printed. <8$i)ovim gix f^untrretr antr £ebenrg=£econtr. Persons who solicit subscriptions are dreadful bores, especially when occurring in the shape of friends or acquaintances. Many a trashy book have I subscribed for, to oblige some " good natured friend." Nothing can be more indelicate than requests of this description from persons with whom we are so situated that we are unwilling to offend them by a refusal. It is the virtual picking of a man's pocket. If a person is asked to subscribe to any thing, he should have a fair chance of refusing it, if he sees fit. 224 &pl)orfem Six f^untrretr antr Sbebetits^Jtrtr. When a person is sensitively afraid of his courage being called in question, he may be looked upon as a coward, Ep&otusttt Six Htmtrretr atttr Sebetttg^jfourtf). Almost all women are aristocrats, and attached to monarchy. I never, in the course of my life, met with one who was democratically inclined. atyfjottsm Six i^untrretr antr S&tntfrjftitf}. Next to the Bible, the best book in the world is Cfje ISoofc of ^pfiorisms. THE END. BELL AND BAIN, PRINTERS, GLASGOW. 54 ^ & * vv o > # > 6 *°^ AT - • * ^V 4 > «. * * I *>% 5>*V O > "oi (S°<« -4 Oft Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: Dec. 2007 ;>v PreservatlonTechnologies ■*■ ▼ ^» rW ^J% -.* >i«\^r^ a. A uinoi r» i canCD im rni i c/>Tinue DDCocDiKTinm y* «** ^ 'W (724)779-2111 c ©«<*> «$6 LJ —MM* v.** /«K\ V.** *ivi LIBRARY OF CONGRESS in 020 895 063"