Author cus,E5.33ii copy 2 Title Imprint lOlfflG NEW-YORK; COMEDY T HEEE ACTS. ED: ii. P. WILKINS, Author of "My Wife's Mirror.' ■-S i#> m * -FTiODTJCED AT LAURA KEEN.E'S THEATRE, NF^ 7oRK, MONDAY EVENING, NOV 24 NEW YORK: JOHN PERRY, 3 90 BROADWAY, JPRICE,] [12i CENTS. y YOUNG NEW YORK. COMEDY, IN THREE ACTS BY ED: G. P. WILKINS, AUTHOR OF "MY Wife's MIRRO AS PRODUCED AT LAURA KEENE S THEATRE, NEW YORK, MON- DAY EVENING, NOV. 24, 1856. Entered according to Act of Congress in the Year One Thousand Klght Hnndred and Fifty-Six, by E. O. P in the Clerk'. Office of the District court of the United States for the Southern District of Hew' York, NEW YORK: JOHN PERRY, 3 90 BROADWAY P5 3 V^ <£nst of tije Characters. — (Young New YorkT) ^cf^ Mr. Ten-per-ccnt, pater familias, a retired Merchant, addicted to note-shaving, kite-flying, anxious to represent this ungrateful republic in Congress, afflicted with a fast and fashionable ■wife , Mr. Burnett Mr. Adolphus Washington Ten-per-ccnt, son of his father, the fore- going, addicted to billiards, brandy and water, and the corps de ballet Mr. George Jordan Mr. Airy Froth, A. B., addicted to romancing, vulgarly called blowing ; distinguished for having no affairs of his own, and paying the most profound attention to those of other people ; ex-politician, ex-diplomatist, ex-musical agent, ex-journalist, ex-artist Mr. T. B. Johnston Mr. Ncedham Crawl, addicted to Bible Societies, Religious Anni- versaries, Christian Associations, Oxford prayer books and two per cent, per month ; with one eye in Wall street, and the other on Grace Church Mr. Stoddart Mr. Nutgalls, Editor of the " Daily Scorcher," addicted to saying unpleasant things in the wrong place Mr. C. Wheatleigh Signor Patrici Skibbcrini, a noble Roman, originally from Galway, first Tenor at the Italian Opera ; addicted to $1,500 per month Mr. Lingham Mrs. Tcn-per-cent, addicted to fashionable society, and four parties a week • Mrs. H. P. Grattan Miss Rose Ten-per-cent, daughter of the foregoing, a flower, just cut from the bush, at Springier Institute ; addicted to driving three-minute horses, sherry-cobblers, the German and Skib- berini Miss Laura Keene Miss Cerulia Sawin. from Boston, Massachusetts, highly intel- lectual ; addicted to Ralph Waldo Emerson, Professor Agassiz, astronomical observations, conic sections and pri- mary formations, Miss Josephine Manners Jane, a Domestic, Miss Gray PROGRAMME OF SCENERY AND INCIDENTS. Act I. — The United States Hotel, Saratoga Springs. — The first Hop of the Season — " I'm Dying for a Cobbler :" Exciting Brush on the Lake Road ; The German ; A little bit of Lecturing and Love Making ; Sud- den appearance of Young New York — I'll Sumnerize you I Adjourn- ment to the Clifton House. — Tableau ! Act II. — Mr. Ten Per Cent's Basement — slightly subterranean, but very nice; A Grand Family Row ; Remarkable Evidence of Spunk on the part of Young New York ; A Thrilling Scene with a Denouement that any body might have expected. Act III., Scene I.— Editorial Rooms of the Scorcher, not intended for any New York Papers ; Description of a Great Western Actress. Scene 2. — The Tenant House ; Young New York under a Cloud, but Gay as a Lark ; A Bran New Novel, copyright secured ; Mr. Ten Per Cent reads the Afternoon Papers. Scene 4. — The Green Room of (he Academy of Music ; Debut of the New Singer ; Finale to Cinderella, " Now with Grief no longer Bending." — Conclusion. Time of Representation., Two Hours. (Eostumcs. — (Young New York.) MR. TEN-PER-CENT— First Act— Light Summer Dress— Second and Third Acts, Black Suit, rather seedy. MR. CRAWL — Black Suit, White Cravat, no beard or moustache. MR. FROTH— First Act— Fashionable Summer Promenade— Third Act, Black suit. MR. NUTGALLS— Fashionable Promenade. MR. WASHINGTON TEN-PER-CENT— First Act— White Panta- loons, light loose Coat, white Waistcoat, very broad Watch Ribbon, low cut patent leather Shoes, no whiskers and a slight moustache. — Second Act — Fashionable Promenade, very long loose Coat, light Trousers, outre hat, Boots. — Third Act — Seedy thin Coat, spotted with ink, no Waistcoat, Slippers, seedy Trousers — Fourth Act — Evening Dress. MR. SKIBBERINI— First Act— Full Ball Dress— Second Act— Black suit, white Gloves. ROSE TEN-PER-CENT— First Act— Ball Dress— Second Act- Travelling Dress— Third Act— Plain Black Silk Dress— Fourth Act — Evening Dress. CERULIA— First Act— Ball Dress— Second Act— Fashionable Morn- ing Dress, (should wear constantly an eye-glass, black mounted) — Fourth Act — Evening Dress. MRS. TEN-PER-CENT— First Act— Ball Dress— Second Act— Pro- menade. properties. ACT I. Scene I. — Furniture for room seen through the Flat, Cigars in cases and matches for Ten-per-cent and Nutgalls. Arm chairs in front of scene. Ordinary hotel chairs. Ice cream for Rose. Light cane for Washington. ACT II. Scene I. — Lunch Table, l. c , with decanters, Lounge, r., Library Chairs, Bookcases, Mirror, handsome Furniture, Book in Library for Cerulia to find, Newspaper for Cerulia, Letter and Newspaper for Ten- per-cent. (No. 1 & 2, Act II.) Written Card, (large) for Mrs. Ten-per- cent, a Tract and a Flacon for Crawl — Door Bell and noise of Trunks, u. e. e., Blank Note for Jane, (No. 3, Act II.) ACT III. Scene I. — Writing Desk, with writing materials paper and manu- scripts, e... Two Office Chairs, Basket for waste paper, written paper, (No. 1, Act III.) Concert Bill on desk, (GP to be cleared.) Scene II. — Fireplace, Furniture of Tenant House, cheap Furniture, Table s. c, and a boquet on it, as well as one of Singer's Sewing Ma- chines, c, another Table, L., with writing materials, Cooking Utensils at fireplace, a Canary Bird in cage, written paper. (No. 2., Act III.,) 2 sheets newspaper, Herald on table, (No. 3.. Act III,) Newspaper, Act III., for Ten-per-cent, (blank,) Evening Minor, No. 6, for Jane, (writ- ten.) Scene III. — Piano and music on it, armful of Boquets, r. Band up. STOP A MOMENT! On the first night of this piece, the author had the honor to appear before the curtain, in response to the call of the audience. He also had the pleasure to address the audience, and is sorry to learn from various quarters, that his eloquent remarks were altogether inaudible in the front of the house. It has been further stated, that the speech was a little confidential chat with Mr. Thomas Baker, the conductor of the orchestra. Mr. Baker, however, has assured the author, that he is altogether in the dark as to the remarks made on the interesting occasion. Rather than allow so noble a specimen of forensic eloquence to be lost to posterity, the author has decided to embody it here. The author, then, desires to thank the public, the actors, and the press, for the extreme kindness with which his first efforts at dramatic composition have been patronised, performed and reviewed ; and, using an entirely original expression, to say that his gratitude is altogether too profound to be expressed in words. To Miss Laura Keene, the thanks of the author are especially due, for her care and attention displayed in getting up the piece ; and for her delicate deference to the author's requests, reasonable or unreason- able. Nothing could be finer than the acting of Miss Keene and Mr. George Jordan, in the characters which embody the speciality of the comedy, and much of its success is due to their artistic performance. To Mr. Charles Wheatleigh, Mr. Thomas B. Johnston, Mr. Bur- nett, Mr. Stoddart, Mr. Lingham, Mrs. Grattan and Miss Josephine Manners the acknowledgments of the author are justly due. To the great public, which generously gave its approbation to the young author's imperfect effort, he returns his thanks, and will endeavor to deserve the favor so lavishly bestowed. It was not expected that this comedy which deals more with facts than fancies would please every body, and that it has satisfied the majority is sufficient for all practical purposes. Not to be at all impertinent, the minority should remember the remarks of Hamlet — " Let the sailed jade wince, Our withers are unwrung." And so, sweet friends, farewell, until we meet again. The Author. YOUNG NEW YORK. ACT I. Scene I. — Represents the piazza of the United States Hotel, at Saratoga Springs. Practical windows open from the ball-room on the piazza. The front of the scene represents a park. The footlights should be down. A quadrille is danced in the ball-room. Chairs in front. Strong lights behind the scene, in f. Mr. Ten-per-cent. [Discovered sitting on the piazza, r. c, smoking.'] Three weeks at Saratoga, and except one jolly dinner at the Lake House, with some Wall Street fellows, not one solitary drop of comfort have I had yet. What good is all my money to me, I'd like to know. I've got a great house in Madison Avenue ; got the furniture of the parlors out from Paris — cost a cool ten thousand. Might have got it just as good here for five, I've no doubt ; but American manufactures are not good enough for fashionable people. Fashionable people — bah ! Enter Crawl, l. 3 e. Crawl. Ah, my dear sir ! Soliloquizing "? Ten-per-cent. Hollo ! Crawl ! is that you, old fellow 1 I'm glad to see you. Yes, I was thinking aloud. Crawl. I trust, my dear sir, that no unpleasant thoughts intruded. " All is vanity," saith the preacher, but Saratoga is said to be very gay, this year. Ten-per-cent. [contemptuously.] Gay ! — humph. What is all their gayety to me 1 Crawl, {solemnly.] What, indeed, children of sin born in iniquity 1 Ten-per-cent. I don't know that. There's a good many Southern people here, but most of them look as if they were born in New York. But what I was saying was, that their gayety is nothing to me. They don't know me except when they want a subscription to one of their infernal hops ! Then I have to come down — heavy enough it is, too. What with new dresses for the women, three dollar boquets, and all sorts of trash — not that I care about the money — only they don't seem to get anything for it. Crawl. Mistaken souls that dream of heaven. If they would only spend their money for the spread of religious tracts and pious pocket- handkerchiefs among the Camanches. 6 YOUNG NEW YORK. Ten-per-cent. Well, I don't know about that. My wife bought two pocket-handkerchiefs the other day— loves of mo-shors, she called 'em — and gave two hundred and fifty a-piece for 'ern. A Camanche Indian might use 'em for rifle wadding, but I'm certain he'd never think of wiping his nose on 'em. [Taking- out cigar.] Have a weed, Crawl? Crawl. Smoking, sir, is a vanity, and I eschew tobacco, but my phy- sician recommends it to quiet my nervous system. Yes, I'll take one, thank you. [Lights cigar.] Your lot is a happy one, sir — boundless wealth — a lovely daughter. Ten-per-cent. (it.) Humbug ! I am a slave, sir. Can't enjoy my own property. Got a splendid house — cost (furniture and all) a cool hundred thousand. Parlors are always shut up, unless my wife gives a splurge, and then I can't get in. I'm kept under ground, in the basement, and, the windows being grated, it looks shockingly like the Tombs. Then I have a closet to sleep in, in the third story. I'm too vulgar to meet my wife's friends, but they drink my wine, nevertheless. Fashion keeps us out of our comfortable homes three months in the year, and sends us here to Saratoga, where we pay two hundred dollars a- week for a dog- kennel, which they call a parlor, and three dry-goods boxes, impudently termed bed-rooms ; get nothing to eat — drive over dusty roads — and drink water, flavored with old iron, boot-heels and brimstone — bah ! Crawl, (l.) Yes, my dear sir, what you say is, indeed, too true ; the frivolity of fashionable life is, indeed, terrible ; Doctor Burn-'em-all preached such a sweet discourse to our association last summer upon that subject. Ten-per-cent. Yes, he's a powerful preacher — [Aside.] has a power- ful salary too, and makes a tour to Europe to help his bronchitis — it's just as bad next summer, and down we come with more money. The Doctor's Italian campaigns are as expensive as Napoleon's. By the bye, Crawl, how do you come on with Rose 1 Crawl. Not well, sir ; she's a strange girl — no seriousness about her at all ; talks all the time about the opera and horses. Sometimes she astonishes me by asking about La Grange's shake. Ten-per-cent. Her what ? Crawl. Shake ! don't know what it is — never heard of it in Wall Street — don't think it occurs in church music. Nutgalls enters c.from door. Nut. [Aside.] Max has to pay twenty-eight hundred a month for it, though. Crawl. And then she wants me to look at a new horse, and asks me what is the best trotting time, under the saddle. Nut. [Back.] She'll run you the fastest race you ever heard of, if you get her. Crawl. If I attempt to divert her attention from worldly frivolities, she laughs and says that no one in society goes to church, except to hear the singing. Nut. The old fogies go to sleep. Ten-per-cent. I really can't imagine what ails the women. Rose YOUNG NEW YORK. i used to be the quietest of girls — quite like that queer little cousin of hers from Boston — but stick to Rose, she's good stock, fully up to par. Crawl. I'm afraid that profane singer, from the opera, has a design up|^ her virgin heart. Nut. [Aside.] As you have upon her virgin bank account. Ten-per-cent. Confound those fellows ! why can't they eat their mac- caroni at home] Why, my wife patronizes Shibiberninny, or whatever his name is, I can't see. People ought to stick to their position, I say. Nut. [Advancing.] Some of us would be transferred from the Fifth to the First Avenue, if that rule were carried out. Your servant, gen- tlemen. Ten per-cent. Ah ! Scorcher, how are you"? "What's going on inside — got an item for us, or for to-morrow's paper 1 Nut. [Imitating Crawl.] The Scorcher is engaged in the great work of regenerating humanity, settling the affairs of the nation, and regu- lating the destinies of Europe, at two cents per copy, and one shilling a line for advertisements ! And we can't afford space to puff broken down wateriaig places and used up belles. Crawl. I never read the secular press. My researches are confined to the publications of the Tract Society. Nut. Capital good things they are too. Ten-per-ccnt. Yes, to go to sleep over. But how goes the hop? Rose. [Speaking c. inside.] Oh! no, thank you ; I don't care to dance any more till the German — won't somebody get me a cobbler ? Nut. There comes some one that can tell you better than I. [Ladies laugh within. Ten-per-cent. Jerusalem! a whole raft of women. I'll leave. Crawl, will you moisten ! Crawl. I am a tee-totaller in principle, but my physician recommends a small quantity of stimulant for my nervous agitation Ten-per-cent. Humph! that means you'll go, I suppose"? Nutgalls, will you join us • Nut. My physician is not so kind as Crawl's. In fact he warned me against bad liquor, so I decline. Ten-per-cent. Come, Crawl, [Going l.] I want to talk to you about that Galena and Chicago. Crawl. Hold on to it. [Exeunt Ten-per-cent and Crawl, l. 3 e. Nut (l. c.) Nice fellow, that Crawl— makes a good thing out of re- ligion and fancy stocks together. Enter Rose, c, eating an ice, with Mrs. Ten-per-cent, Miss Cerulia Sawin and Skibberini. Rose, (c.) Oh ! Mr. Nutgalls, I'm so glad to see you. You know everything, and can tell me all about the races. Will any ladies go? They say some of the people in society have got a club, and oh my ! — you ought to have seen me out this morning with those new ponies pa gave me — such dears — I had such a brush on the Lake Road. Mrs. Ten. (l. c.) My dear, such conversation Rose. Stop, ma — don't break me up. I'm in the best part. Nut. (r.) It's charming — pray go on. 8 YOUNG NEW YORK. Rose. Well, Rule and I thought we would have a little ride this morn- ing with the ponies — didn't we, Rule 1 Cerulia. (l.) You did all the thinking. I had heard there were some curious stratifications near the lake. Rose. That'll do about the strat — whatever you call them. Rule and I thought we'd have a ride, so we took Skib along to drive us, didn't we, Skib 1 Skib. Si, signorina ! (Aside) and mighty glad I was to get back wid whole bones in me skin. Rose. We had the new light wagon, and were going along at what Wash, calls a Jersey gait, when down comes Bob Fastboy with those splendid blacks of his. My ponies pricked up their ears, and gave a jump that nearly pulled Skib's arms out, and made Rule drop her Emerson in the mud. You ought to have seen the ponies throw out their dear little feet I felt all the blood coming up to my head — the ponies went faster and faster, Skib got nervous — I was as cool as Rockland Lake at Christmas — I took the reins, oh ! how they pulled, [Imitating driving,'] soon came up to Fastboy. He wanted to pull up — too much of a gen- tleman, you know, to race with a lady — but his horses didn't share his feelings in that respect, and nearly pulled him over the dasher, instead of he checking them, so he let them go, and away we went, like twin bullets, neck and neck. I kept my arms down, and had the ponies well together, so — everything turned aside for us — we had a clear road for a mile. I couldn't hear anything but the rattling of the wheels or the tip tips of the ponies' hoofs — my heart beat like a steam engine, it was clear up in my mouth, and — and — I beat him, I beat him — I led him a hun- dred yards at the Lake House. What do you think of that — eh 1 Mrs. Ten. I think it's disgusting — what would the Dusenburys say? Nut. I think it's charming. [Aside] She'd have saved the fortunes of the Hippodrome. Skib. You drive splendidly. [Aside.] 'Pon my soul, I expected we'd overturn every minute. Cerulia. I think from your exterior stratifications, that there must be a little of the horse-jockey in your primary formations. [Music within. Rose. Dear me, that's for the German, come Ma, Rule, Skib, [To Nutgalls.] come Scorpion, won't you go? [Hushes out c, followed by Skib., Cerulia, and Mrs. Ten-pee-cent. Nutgalls. No, thank you. There's no comfort in dancing with a lady now a days. The hoops are so extensive that one can't get within fifteen feet of his partner. I think I shall have to republish No. 167 of the Spectator as a lesson to the perverse females of this generation. They enlarge the rear of freedom with a vengeance. Enter Froth [l. 3 e.], runs to Nutgalls and slaps him on the back. Froth, (l.) How are you, old fellow 1 How's every inch of your crusty old carcase ! Just arrived, railroad accident of course — always is — smashed up a lot of immigrants — being second class passengers, no fuss will be made about them. Detained a lot of 'fifth Avenue people, though — they'll make a fuss. What's the news! What's up? who's here ! How's my old fojjy friend, Ten-per-cent, and that joker Crawl, who does the religious dodge, and make no end of tin by it 1 YOUNG NEW YORK. 9 Nutgalls. (r.) Oh, they are spending their time in the usual miser- able manner, affected by our people when they enjoy rural felicity, which means being charged and starved to death. What on earth are you here for. You ought to know better. Froth. So I do. I*m here for business. Old Ten per-cent wants to run for Congress, and I'm his agent — don't you see 1 All these things are done by funds, and I've come for a small cheque on the Bank of Commerce for incidentals. Nut. What are they '! Froth. That's a secret. I can't put you up to all the dodges. First thing I knew, you'd let 'em all out in the Scorcher, but the legitimate expenses of a Congressional campaign are twenty-five hundred or three thousand dollars, and when we employ strikers, and buy up small newspapers, those are the illegitimate expenses ; it often costs five or six thousand. I've rung in some small fry-journals to back up the old joker, but it's of no use talking to you, I suppose. Nut. No, I couldn't support him at any price. He might do for the Board of Aldermen. They do nothing but sit in a cushioned chair at City Hall, and say, yea or nay, as the party demands, and use up a great deal of stationery ! much to the distress of the Comptroller, who refuses to pay for a package of envelopes, and winks at a fifty thousand dollar contract. New York has been taxed to death, and nothing but its great wealth, its astonishing prosperity, and the abused generosity of its people, prevents them from taking the law into their own hands, after the fashion of the San Francisco Vigilance Committee. Froth. That would be unpleasant. Nut. Undoubtedly. But the body politic is like the body human — it needs strong medicines at times. But I believe that recent events show that the people are waking up to a sense of their stupidity, and are preparing to administer the government themselves, instead of placing it in the hands of two or three hundred drunken rowdies, who bully voters at primary elections, and pack nominating conventions. The independent press has led the van in this new movement, and the people are alive to the necessity of putting the right men in the right places. So, decidedly, we cannot support your man for Congress. As a politician he is one of the biggest fools in the district. Froth. That's precisely the reason we are going to elect him. I have got everything set with the nominating convention, and he is bound to go in. Now, if you 've got any nice little thing, you'd like to get put through next session, just support him and it's settled. Nut. No. sir Couldn't be done. Money's no object, unless we get it in the legitimate way. We 've got a large number of other, and better fishes to fry. Will you smoke 1 [Offering- cigar. Froth. [Taking cigar. Nutgalls goes up.} Don't mind if I do, Cabanas? Yes, very nice. I say, Mr. Ten-per-cent, is that you 1 Ten-pcr-cent. [Coming forward from l. 3 e. of piazza.} Yes, that's me. How'd ye do, Froth ) What's the news in the city ? [They take chairs — Nutgalls r. Froth. Oh, great. Politics running higher than ever. The Buchanan men confident. The Fillmore party gave a grand splurge and saved the 10 YOUNG NEW YORK. country, a night or two ago, and the Fremont fellows are fighting like 30 many grizzlys for victory. Ten-per-cent. (l.) How do things look in my district"? Froth. A little queer, but I think I've got most of the delegates, so ^our nomination is pretty near fixed. 1 have gasconaded a good deal ibout " eminent merchant," — "credit to his country" — "commercial nterest surest of the prosperity of the republic " — and spent plenty of nohey for liquor. Tcn-per-cent. A powerful agent. Froth. Yes, it gets at men who are altogether unimpressible by other neans ; it's very expensive though — nothing but shilling drinks in your Jistrict. But we must have money. Tcn-per-cent. Money — always money. I'm a perfect watering-cart, saturating everybody with artificial cheques ; I gave you a thousand a week ago. Froth. Yes, I banked all that, [Aside] chiefly at phdro. We want money for two or three delegates, who can't see your infinite merit just it present, and there's a good deal to pay to men to stand round the Dolls. Tcn-per-cent.. What fori Are all those loafers paid 1 Froth. Paid ! of course they are. What the d — 1 would they do it for unless they were ! The simplicity of some people passes my com- prehension. They stand there to stave off voters for other people, and jet. votes for their employers. They prevent half the respectable people n New York from voting at all ; and your respectable people have a labit of scratching their tickets and voting for the best man, without regard to his political affinities, which is excessively inconvenient at ;imes. Ten-per-cent. Well, come along, and I'll give you a cheque. Froth. We must be in a hurry — got two or three complimentary be- nefits to manage, and four or five new singers to trot out. [Exit Froth and Ten-per-cent, l. 3 e. — Nutgalls goes L. Enter Rose, hurriedly, c. Rose, (r.) Dear Mr. Nutgalls, I'm glad I've found you alone ; I've a question to ask you. Nut. I never answer them ; [Rose looking in his face'] but this is such a little one, you'll answer it to please me, won't you ? Nut. [Aside.] Kow, nothing human could stand that, and I am human, though I do edit a newspaper. What is it — something about hoops or horses ? Hose. You misjudge me, like every one else. Nobody knows me, really, except Wash, and — and [Hesitates. Nut. Ah, there's somebody else ! Rose. Never mind. I want to ask you what you think of me. Nut. I think you are a very nice young woman — a bit spoiled — a little too fast for my taste, and a little too frivolous for the real business of life. Rose. Yes, you're like all the men ; they are continually pitching into us for our extravagance, yet the lady who is the most richly dressed, YOUNG NEW YORK. 11 always has the greatest number of gentlemen in her train : how do you account for that, my Diogenes ! Nut. You mistake me. I do not object to dress. A lovely woman is never so handsome as when richly dressed. What I object to is ex- travagance in attire without taste, and a reckless, vulgar display, which only makes the wearer absurd. That's what you may see any fine afternoon in Broadway ; and it always makes me think that a woman's brains are too small, even for the bonnets they wear now-a-days, and that her common sense might easily be wrapped up in the smallest cor- ner of her gaudy shawl. But when I said frivolous, I did not mean dress, particularly, I meant to say that you, like too many fashionable young ladies, paid little attention to matters of real consequence, such as fitting yourself for the responsible duties which you will be one day called upon to perform ; still I think there's a great deal of good in you. Rose, [houghing.} Much obliged for the compliment, bear, though I don't think much of it. Now I am going to be serious — I feel strangely impelled to confide in you. What do you think of Mr. Crawl ? Nut. (l.) He's a good sort of fellow enough in his way, but Rose. But you don't like his way \ I thought so. He has proposed to me a great many times, and I have refused him, and pa says I must have him ; and I can't, and I won't. [Sobbing.'] I've talked to Wash, about it, but he and pa are not on the best terms, and ma is in favor of it, and — and — I — I — [Sobs.] I'm the most miserable little woman in the world. Nut. [Aside.] Here's a situation for a cynic, [To Rose.] And you love somebody else, I presume 1 Rose. [Still sobbing.] Y — y — yes. Nut. Well, why don't the governor have him 1 What's the matter with him ? Rose. Oh, nothing — that is, not much of anything. He hasn't got any money ! Nut. Ahem ! That's a great deal in New York. One, who has no money here, may as well hang himself, or go to Kansas, which is a cheap and agreeable means of suicide. Through tickets, twenty dollars No charge for a rifle bullet in the head. You're not fit, Rose, to be a poor man's wife : like too many American girls, you have been brought up in utter ignorance of what you should have been taught, and are vastly well informed upon things of no sort of value. Rose. [Stoutly.] But one thing I do know, and that is, I will marry the man I choose, whether he's got sixpence or not, and I will labor to the last of my ability to make him happy. I know enough for that, and the will goes a long way in such matters — don't it, old bear 1 Nut. Bravo ! little one. There's some hope of you, yet. But, don't do anything rashly. I don't think Crawl deserves you, and will help to defeat him. But you must remember that if you marry any one who is not in society — an artist Rose. Oh ! Nut. Yes, I think I know your secret. If you marry any one of that sort, you'll suffer a great deal ; you'll be cut by your old friends, out- lawed from society, and otherwise be made to feel very uncomfortable. 12 YOUNG NEW YORK. Rose. I don't ca-e for any of them. They affect to despise people who are superior to them in every respect. Hut, I must run away ; it's getting late. Good night. [Offers hand. Nut. [Takes hand] Good night, my little friend, and good luck. [ Walks up piazza, l. 3 e. [Rose goes to window in c, awl meets Skibbekini — Skibberini takes her hand, and they come down r. Skib. One moment — have you considered my proposition! Will your father relent \ Rose, (l ) No, there's been a cabinet council, and I don't see that there's any hope of mollifying the governor ; I think he's influenced by that Crawl. Stupid wretch ! I hate the sight of him. Oh ! Skib, what's the use of your being a nobleman, if you haven't got a cent of money ? Crawl enters r. slily. Crawl. Good heavens ! there he is making love to her before my face. It's shameful ; I'll get far enough away so they can't see me. and listen to their conversation. [Steps back to r. h. e.. and as he does so Enter R. Washington, a little intoxicated, runs against Crawl. Wash. Carom on the white ball. Bad shot of yours, that, sir, never should hold your cue in that clumsy way. Pretty thing, that Brindisi; ever hear Vestvali sing it 1 [Sings] 'Tis better to love than — [Crawl puts his hand on Washington's mouth. Crawl. Be quiet, sir. [Rose and Skib. converse in whispers, seated l. c. Wash. (r. c ) Splendid woman — never saw anything like her, even in Paris — Paris great place— -great boots — ever see La Grange's boots in the North Star? the only thine in the opera good for anything, I assure you. What's the row 1 Who's that young woman 1 Crawl. Such disgraceful proceedings, sir. Wash. That's jolly good. I like disgraceful things. Rose. I say again, if you only had money Wash. What's that about money I Skib. But I have something better, I have my profession ; tenors are valuable in this country. Your people pay us twice as much as we can get in Europe. Why should you care for the governor] Let us run away, and he's sure to forgive us — I don't think you love me at all. Wash. Hurrah ! Don't care for his governor, no more do I — that's the talk ! Rose. I do love you, Skib, earnestly, devotedly ; and when we Ame- rican women really are caught, it's for good and all. Crawl He may have caught her, but keeping her is another affair altogether. Wash. That's so — I wonder what it's all about ? Skib. You don't know how happy you've made the poor artist by this avowal. 1 would not give this moment for all the plaudits of the Aca- demy. YOUNG NEW YORK. 13 Wash. Yes, I know some fellows go there to applaud — don't you, Crawl * Crawl. I never frequent profane places of public amusement — but listen. Rose. I'm yours, for everl Crawl. Not yet. Skib. Oh. ecstasy ! Wash. [To Crawl.] I say, old fel — it ain't gentlemanly for us to be trying to overhear Crawl. [Excitedly] Stop ! Skib. And you'll run away with me? Rose. Won't you let me confide in somebody 1 Wash. I won't stop. I say- it ain't the correct thing, if they are going to run away, — let 'em slide, I don't care. Skib. Confide in who ? Crawl. Yes, who 1 — let's learn. Wash Bran and water, I say. Rose. Why, in Wash. Skib. What ! in that stupid brother of yours 1 Crawl. Ah ! Wash. Who's that, that's stupid! [Crosses to c. Crawl. [Coolly.'] Only you. Wash. [Excited, c] Only me. That's good. Rose. He's my dear brother, and the only one in the family I care about, and he's really sensible enough, if he had Skib. Any brains. Crawl. [To Wash.] Do you hear that! Wash. Dem it, I should think so. That's rather too much, you know. - [Attempts to go towards Rose and Siubberini, but is restrained by Crawl, and in struggles to get aivay drops his cane. Enter Nutgalls, l. — goes to Rose. Nut. [Aside, coming clown l.] There's going to be a row here. Miss Rose, your maternal parent, fatigued by a tremendous piano-forte solo, played by an interesting amateur, with one lung, has sent me to look for you. [Whispers] You must go at once. [Offers arm. Rose. [Taking his arm, to Skib.] Adieu! Skib. [c, walking slowly to l.] Adieu! Ma toute belle. [Rose and Nutgalls exit, c. n. ; Wash, breaks away from Crawl, and comes towards Skib. from right. Wash. [To Skib.] I say, old top, look here ! Crawl. This will be dangerous, so I'll cut. [Exit, R. Skib. Well, sir ! Wash. You called me stupid 1 Skib. Well! Wash. [Threatening with cane."} I'm going to Sumnerise you! Skib. Bless your heart, I'm not a Senator ! Wash. Yes, but I don't discriminate between the man and the act. You're a tenor, and I'm going to smash your upper register. What do you think of this for a shake 1 [Flourishing stick over Skib's. head 14 " YOUNG NEW YORK. Enter Froth, c. d. — hurriedly rushes down and seizes Wash's arm. Froth. [To Wash.] Excuse me, sir, but I have a pecuniary interest in this piece of property. Wash. Go away, Froth. Skib. I beg you won't interfere, sir. Froth. Yes, "but I will. He is engaged by me to kindly volunteer his services [Aside.] for fifty dollars for the complimentary concert to Madame de Blowhardi, for fifty years prima donna assoluta of the opera, and now incapacitated by an accidental circumstance — [Aside.] old age — from continuing the duties of her profession. Wash Nonsense! [Attempts to strike Skib. Enter, c. d., Nutgalls — seizes Wash, and draws him away to e,., while Froth draxos Skib. to l. Nut. We'll settle this at the Clifton House. END OF ACT I. ACT II. Scene I. — Basement of Mr. Ten-per-cent's house; comfortable room ; mirror; book-cases; library chairs ; lunch table, with decanters, c. ; doors, r. and l. Froth discovered at table, l. Froth. Nice business we've made of this, all round ! Grand smash- up at Saratoga — bad as an operatic imbroglio. Rose — nice young woman, that — ought to be Mrs. Froth ; but matrimony is such a bore — Rose shut off the duel, and knocked one pin out of Mr. Crawl. Then there was a grand flare-up with the old lady, and then Skibberini dis- appeared, and then old Blowhardi's benefit went off the hooks, and then I couldn't find out what all the row was about, and then I took all the money I laid out in blowing for old Blowhardi, and then Enter Cerulia, r. f., reading. Ah ! there's that sweet little bit of Bay State granite. I'll soften her with a little suaviter in modo. [Aloud.] Good morning, Miss Sawin — how charming is Cerulia. [Reading, r.] A petrified frog discovered on the banks of the Connecticut. Froth. I was saying that Broadway Cerulia. Where it had been found in the fourth formation, which shows that it must have been Froth. That the ladies on Broadway Cerulia. Must have been imbedded since the eighth century. [Looks up, sees Froth ] Ah ! Mr. Froth, is that you 7 YOUNG NEW YORK. 15 Froth It is — at least, I believe so. How splendidly you are look- ing Cerulia. Yes — I was looking for the transactions of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. Those sweet Professors ! [Goes to book-case. Froth. [Aside.'] Yes, they are a sweet set. Jupiter ! if a joker wanted to make love to her, now, she'd go into a philosophical disquisition on the origin and progress of the divine passion. [Aloud.'] I say, Miss Cerulia, is the lady patroness of the establishment visible ! Cerulia. No — I entertained her for half-an-hour with such a dear, transcendental essay on the duality of the soul. And what do you think she said 1 Froth. Haven't an idea — [Aside.] That it was a humbug ! [Aloud.] Something complimentary, undoubtedly. Cerulia. Nothing of the sort. She said it was a horrid bore, and ordered the carriage for the Orphan Asylum. Froth. Yes — to bore the little dears, and do up some fashionable be- nevolence. Where's Miss Rose 1 Cerulia. Oh, she went up to Newburgh yesterday, to see one of her old schoolmates. [Crosses to r.] Good morning, Mr. Froth. [Going, R., Reading, walks against wing, l. 1 e , Froth corrects her, and shews her the door. Froth. [Opening r. d. f.] Good morning, Miss. [Exit Cerulia. Aw ! I see a big light I wouldn't wonder if there should be a grand row somewhere in this neighborhood. That Rose isn't the sort of person that goes seventy miles to see some bread and butter school girl. No, indeed ! I wouldn't wonder if she'd gone, and done and run away with Skibberini, just out of unutterable despair at not getting me. [Looks in mirror, and twirls his moustache.] What a wretch I am, to be sure. Enter Ten-per-cent, in a passion, l. Ten-per-ccnt. D — n it ! I say, confound it ! Who's that looking in my mirror 1 I say, sir 1 said d — n it ! I repeat the remark d— n it ! Froth. [Taming round.] Certainly ! D — n what 1 Never mind, d — n anything you like. An elderly, irrascible gentleman, with half a million, has a perfect right to anathematize anything he sees fit. I am happy to coincide, with you d — n it ! Ten-pcr-cent. [ Walking up and down.] Oh ! it's you, is it, Froth] Froth. That's the second time I've been questioned, this morning, as to my identity. Yes, it is me. /shall begin to swear presently. Ten-per-ccnt. That infernal rascal ! If I only had him here Froth. [Pouring wine, c ] Come, old fellow, you're excited. Take a drop of sherry. No man ever got into a rage on sherry. Ten-per-ccnt. D — n sherry ! t) — n everything ! Froth. Precisely ! D — n everything ! But what's the difficulty, that everybody has got to be d — d this particular morning, and saved all the rest of the week ! What's the row I Ten-pcr-cent. [r., Taking letter and newspaper from pocket.] Row 1C YOUNG NEW YORK. enough ! Read that. [Gives them to Froth.] Oh ! the infernal scoundrel ! Froth, [l., Reading note ] '' Dear Pa ! I have to ask your forgive- ness. Skib. and I were married this morning. Wash, said he thought you wouldn't be able to arrange your business in Wall street, and so he gave me away, and did it splendidly. It was rural, and very nice. We are going to the Falls," Ten-per-cent. I should like to pitch thern over the Falls ! Froth. No you wouldn't. [Reads.] " Going to the Falls for our wedding tour, and then return to town, to throw ourselves at your patent leathers. You'll forgive us, won't you. Pa l Skib. is such a nice fellow. He and Wash, send their respects. Adieu, mon fere. " Your affectionate daughter, Rose. " P. S I send such a nice article about us, out of the ' Spuyten Duyvil Blast of Freedom.'' Wash, has been playing billiards all the time, with the Editor, and got him to put it in for a leader. " Spuyten Duyvil, Monday." Ten-per-cent. I should like to punch his head. Froth. It's dangerous, punching editors' heads, now-a-days. A joker got into the Tombs for indulging in that luxury, the other day. What's this 1 [Reads from Newspaper. " Marriage in High Life. — Our little village was thrown into a perfect furor of excitement on Wednesday last, by a wedding in high life. The gallant bridegroom is Count Patrici de Skibberini, who is descended from one of the noblest families in Italy, and who has been favorably known as an artiste of the opera ; and the bride is Miss Rose Ten-per-cent. the daughter of one of New York's most distinguished merchant princes. The ceremony was performed by the Rev. Mr. Smith, at his residence, and we, with others of the principal men of this town, had the honor of being present. The bride, who was the belle of Saratoga last season, looked bewilderingly beautiful, and every one envied the happy bridegroom. The happy pair, after a brief sojourn at the American Eagle Hotel, which is kept in the best manner, by our old friend, G. Washington Jones. — (see advertisement in another co- lumn,) — departed for Niagara Falls, whence, after tarrying a short time, they will proceed to Now York, and thence to Italy, where the Count has a beautiful villa, by the Lake of Como, so eloquent!}' described by Bulwer, in that beautiful play. ' The Lady of Lyons,' — to be performed this evening, for the first time in this town, by Robinson's superior travelling company, admission fifteen cents — commencing — ' In a deep vale, shut out by Alpine hills,' &e. The happy pair have our best wishes for their continued prosperity." Ten-per-cent. There. Sir! What do you think of that ? Froth. I think it's highly amusing. I'd like to know tnat editor. He ought to be on the '■Home Journal.'' Ten-per-cent. D — n the editor ! Curse the whole party ! He's married her for my money — but not a single red cent of it will he get. And Wash, in it, too. After all I've done for those children, [patheti- cally.'] spending all the money I have for their education, so they'd know how to spend my money in a respectable manner. [Crosses, r. YOUNG NEW YORK. 17 Froth, [l., Aside.'] Something that you don't know, yet ! Ten-per-cent. [angrily ] To have them fool me in that way 1 I'll fix 'em ! I'll cut 'em off with a dollar apiece ! [Crosses, l. Froth, [r.] And leave your money to some Missionary Society, I suppose ? That's the way they do it now — it's taking your funds to begin the next world with. I came to talk with you about politics ; — things are looking ugly for us Ten-per-cent. [enraged.] Stop ! I've had trouble enough for one day. Froth. Well, I'll cut then — Better forgive the young 'uns. Ten-per-cent. No ! no ! Froth. Good bye. governor. — Got a lot of puffs to write for Brown's double rotary back action steam egg hatcher, and attend three political conventions, [r.] Good bye. [Exit R. H. Ten-per-cent. [Sitting at table l., his face concealed in his hands.] Good bye, Froth. If you see any body I know, tell 'em I have gone to bleeding Kansas. Enter Mrs. Ten-per-cent, l., in great glee, shewing large card. Mrs. Ten. (l.) I've got it ! I've got it ! It's the first party of the season, and now every body must ask me. What's the matter with that man ? Been drinking, I suspect. Awful beast ! Mr. Ten-per- cent 1 wake up, sir. Ten-per-cent. [r. of table, not looking up.] I'm glad you are so happy, madam. [Aside.] I'll fix her in a minute. Mrs. Ten. Yes, I am happy. Look at this ! [Flourishes card.] Mrs. Delancy Ten Brceck sends me a card for the first party. I've been trying to get into that set for five years. Ten-per-cent. [Aside.] Yes, and now you've got in, only to be kicked out again. [Aloud.] Is that the paste board 1 It's big enough 1 Mrs. Ten. Yes — Mrs. Ten Broeck is an old Knickerbocker, and does every thing in the highest style. I'll read it to you. [Reads.] Mrs. Delancy Ten Brceck solicits the pleasure of Mr. & Mrs. Ten-per- cent's company on Thurs- day evening. 433 Fifth Avenue. R. S. V. P. There, sir ! I hope you will try to dress yourself like a gentleman, at least. There's a card for Rose, and one for Wash., too. I've got such a love of a dress — cost $300, and the lace as much more. [Sits l. Tcn-'per-cent. [sarcastically.] No doubt. I think it's a bad invest- ment. So, there's a card for Rose, and one for Wash., eh 1 Pray is there one for Rose's — Rose's — madam, for Rose's husband ? Mrs. Ten. [astonished.] Her what ? Ten-fer-cent. Not her what! her husband — Imsband, I said, madam, — her husband, Mrs. Ten. [aside.] He has been drinking. I'll look out for the keys of the wine closet hereafter. [Aloud ] You'd better take a little opium, my dear, put some ice on your head, and go to bed. I'm afraid you're 18 YOUNG NEW YORK. Ten-per-cent. No, madam — it is you who will be ill in a moment. — Where is your daughter 1 Mrs. Ten. Gone to Newburgh, to see Miss Highflyer, her old school- mate. Her father failed, you know, my love, and gave up every thing to his creditors, and they only spend twenty thousand a year, now, and live in rural retirement. Ten-per-cent. Really ! is that all 1 Madam, Rose has not gone to Newburgh. She has run away with that maccaroni-chewing, cigar- smoking, garlic-devouring, mustache-curling, d d blackguard — Mrs. Ten. Oh, dear ! Ten-per-cent. Of an opera singer, Skibberinini, or what ever his d d name is ! That ever I should have a son-in law, with a name I couldn't pronounce. [Grosses L. Mrs. Ten. [Hesitating, — going r.] And they are married 1 Ten-per-cent. Yes. Enter Crawl, r. 2. e. Mrs. Ten. Oh, dear ! I feel very ill — where's my salts ? [Staggers, r.] Married 1 — every body will think I'm growing old. — Oh ! oh ! [Faints in Crawl's arms, r. Crawl. I beg your pardon — really, sir, won't you be kind enough to relieve me ] Ten-per-cent. No ! I've found her dead weight enough for years. She's only got a fashionable faint. Mrs. Ten. [Recovering.'] Silence, sir ! where's my salts? Crawl. Allow me. — [Takes paper from pocket. ] No, that's not it — that's a tract on the Necessity of Politics in the Pulpit. Here it is [Gives her flacon to Ten-per-cent.] Allow me, sir, to direct your atten- tion to this soul stirring publication. [Gives tract to Mr. Ten-per-cent, then leads Mrs. Ten. to sofa, r. Ten-per-cent. I feel more like a soul stirring whiskey punch. But have you heard the news 1 Mrs Ten. [Springing up.] I'll tell him ! Ten-per-ccnt. No, you won't ! Mrs. Ten. You're a brute. [Sits. Ten-per-cent. This is my basement, madam ; you can rule in the par- lors, but I'm king here. You will oblige me by retiring. Mrs. Ten. I shall oblige myself by doing nothing of the kind. Crawl. Really, sir — this scene — do you know what St. Paul says ! Ten-per-cent. No ! d — n St. Paul ! Crawl, (c.) Good gracious ! d — n St. Paul — I never, really, heard of such a thing. But, perhaps, sir, you'll be good enough to tell me the news 1 Mrs. Ten. You must know that Rose — that is — it's all his fault [Points to Mr. Ten-per-cent.] — he spoil'd both of them. Ten-per-cent. It is false, madam ! You insisted upon her learning Italian music, and all such nonsense. Crawl, [c. Aside. ] Something about Rose, I begin to be afraid — [Aloud.] Pray tell me. Mrs. Ten. [To Crawl.] Excuse me, sir. L To Mr. T.] I have given YOUNG NEW YORK. 19 Rose the education due to her position. It was you that taught her to drive horses, and have terriers, and all sorts of low things. Ten-pcr-cent. She ought to have been taught to make puddings and mend stockings. Crawl. She'd never do it, I fear. Mrs. Ten. Odious idea ! Young ladies are not utilitarian articles — they are objects of virtu Ten-pcr-cent. Objects of vice, more likely. I wish you would con- trive to keep your tongue still for half a moment, till I can tell Mr. Crawl about this unfortunate business. Mrs. Ten. Why, you've been talking all the time — I haven't had an opportunity to say a word. Crawl. Ah! [Aside.] You've done pretty well without an oppor- tunity. Ten-pcr-cent. [To Crawl.] To make it short, you must know that Rose has run away with that infernal opera singer. Crawl. [Suppressing emotion.] And are they — married 1 Ten-per-cent. [Sternly.'] Yes! Mrs. Ten. It's lucky he's a count — that's something. Crawl [Bitterly.] Pshaw! you may buy patents of nobility for twenty shillings ! [Recovers his usual manner.] But, my dear sir, and madam, allow me to condole with you. In a worldly point of view, it is a sad disappointment to me, but — Ten-per-cent. Why the devil didn't you run away with her yourself! Crawl. Good Heavens ! me run away with any body 1 What would the Grace Church people say ! As I was about to remark, I seek con- solation in a spiritual point of view. Ten-per-cent. Yes — I've heard that the young men, when they are jilted, usually take to brandy cocktails for the first six weeks or so. Mrs. Ten. Suicide is more dignified. But what have you to advise, Mr. Crawl? Ten-per-cent. Yes, Crawl, what shall we do 1 Crawl. Well, these artists are all low fellows, with an ungodly love of Mammon, and — [Bell rings without, accompanied by noise and confusion, in the midst of which is heard Rose's voice. Rose. [ Without.] There, that'll do ; thank you. Put four of those trunks in my dressing-room, and the other ten you may leave here for the present. Where's ma 1 Mrs. Ten. (r.) That's Rose ! Crawl opens r. d. f. Enter Rose, hastily, Crawl gives her his hand. Crawl, (r. c.) Allow me, Miss Rose — I beg pardon — Madame la Comtesse, to tender to you my warmest congratulations, and my sin- cerest wishes for your future welfare. My heart bleeds — Rose. (l. c.) Thank you, Mr. Crawl, that'll do — I don't care to hear a sermon. If your heart bleeds, Rule will fix it up for you, she's great on surgery. Crawl. [Aside, going, r.) I'll have you yet. [lie is about to exit, r., when 20 YOUNG NEW YORK. Enter Wash., r. He runs against Crawl. Wash. Ah! old fellow! [Exit Crawl, r.] Keep up — beaten at your own game — better luck next time. They've been taking two to one on you, I'm afraid. [Rose and Wash, at back of stage, looking intently at Mr. and Mrs. T. Rose comes down slowly to where Mrs. T. sits. Wash, goes very slowly to Mr. and then to Mrs. T., they turn their backs. Wash, takes glass of wine, and sits carelessly on edge of table, L. u. E. Rose. My dear mother — Mrs. Ten. Don't talk to me, miss ! — such disgraceful proceedings ! Ten-per-cent. Awful ! Wash. Nothing of the kind, governor. Every thing was done with- out regard to expense. Told 'em to go it strong, and you'd pay all the bills. Had the whole town tight as bricks, before dinner. Rose. Hush, Wash ! [Goes to Mrs. T. and endeavors to embrace her. Is repulsed.] I am sensible that we have done wrong in part, but I have come to acknowledge it, and ask pardon. I never would have anybody but Skib, and — and — [Bursts into tears. Wash. Go it, Rose. Ten-per-cent. [ Wiping his eyes.] I can't stand this. [Going, r.] I say. Rose — Mrs. Ten. Silence, sir ! Rose, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What will the people in society say ! Rose. Why, ma, you shouldn't have asked him here, if I wasn't to fall in love with him. It's done now. and [energetically'] I am bound to have him, coute que coute. Wash. That's right— go it Rose! Freeze fast to him. [Rose, still endeavoring to pacify Mrs. T., converses apart with her. Washington comes down slowly, and goes to his father, l., and offers his hand. Wash. I say, governor — [With mock gravity.] — I forgive you — let's shake hands and call it square. I'm magnanimous. Ten-per-cent. [Enraged,.] You young rascal ! I'll break every bone in your skin ! How dare you 1 Wash. Now, governor, don't get in a passion. Keep easy. [Seizes Mr. T.'s hand and shakes it heartily.] There — it's all right. Take a drink. Ten-per-cent. Clear out, you youn