/ THE THREE-ACT FARCICAL COMEDY TOO MOCH JOillfSON BY WILLIAM GILLETTE 1 1 Copyright, 191 2, hy William (Jillkitk ^J^hns?n"'' ^JiiSI-''^?"fi a^l^^^eby warned that -Too Much Ne>v York ^ London SAMUEL FRENCH j SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. ^u»^'^«HER 20 Southampton Street 28-80 WEST 38th STREET I STRAND THIS IS WHO IT IS MR. AUGUSTUS BILLINGS ^\ MRS. AUGUSTUS BILLINGS MRS. UPTON BATTERSON ' y^ MR. FRANCIS FADDISH LEONORA FADDISH HENRY MACKINTOSH JOSEPH JOHNSON, Esg. MONS. LEON DATHIS FREDERICK PLRSER STEWARDS BOY SELLERY LOOTON MESSENGER »^ ^ •:« •^ THIS IS WHERE IT IS \ ACT I Cabin of Steamer "Tropic Queen" leav=. Ing New York for Havana ACT II— Room in Johnson's House near Santiag^o de Cuba AC1 III Next Morning in the same place *> *^ ♦ »> THIS IS HOW IT IS — ACT I~J0MN50N ! ACT II -JOHNSON ! ! ACT III JOHNSON !! ! gCI.D 284G5 HO A I o TOO MUCH JOHNSON ACT I SCENE. — Saloon of steamer — staircase in 3 a little R. of c. and obliqued considerably down stage from L. to R. entrances at top of staircase from R. and L. Fassageivay of rigJit of staircase. Passageway off left of staircase — passageway L. 1 E. three state-rooms from passageway l. 1 e. to passageicay up stage l. The two loiver state- rooms only used — viz. 70 and 72 — the latter being down stage. PEOPEETIES.— 2 smm round tables— siviv el steamship chair either side of each fable — 07ie table over near r. 1 e. — other table over near L. 1 E. Several newspapers and books on each table. Cabinet between stairway and passage- ivay R. with empty medicine bottles, etc. BEFORE RISE OF CURTAUST— ^/^6r about six bars of the introductory music, begin noise of ship leavijig port, viz: shouting of orders, wheel- ing about of baggage truchs — banging of trunhs — drawing of chain through pulley-blocJc — and at the same time steam whistle blowing loudly every now and again. Continue noise, after curtain has risen, until dialogue begins. MUSIC. — Kept up ff. until dialogue begins — then drop to pp. until Faddish's EXIT. 3 4 TOO MUCH JOHNSON AT RISE. — Steward's Boy enters from passageway up L. ivith steamer trunk on his shoulder. He crosses to the stateroom r. 1 e., leaves the trunk in there, comes out again and exits up staircase. Faddish 7iow enters from l. down stairway, and as he comes on stage looks about in all directions anxiously for someone. When Faddish is ivell down L., Dathis enters from r. alone from stair- ivay — looks about a minute as he comes down- stairs sees Faddish and goes down to intercept him. They meet c. Faddish tries to pass DATi-fis. Dathis prevents him. Faddish. Excuse me — I — ha, ha! — I'm looking for someone, (trying to pass Dathis) Dathis. (stopping him) I am also looking for someone. Faddish. Yes, yes. (trying to pass him) Dathis. (stopping him, and ptdling out of his pocket the top half of photo of a mans face, show- ing only the top of the head) Wait, if you please. You will kindly tell me your name. Faddish. Faddish, sir. Dathis. Fad-deesh. (looks at Faddish sharply) Faddish. Yes, yes. (trying to go) Dathis. One moment — Mr. Fad-deesh! (glares at Faddish as if he has doubts. Then suddenly looks at photo comparing it ivith Faddish — looks at head then photo then head — then front) (takes off Fad- dish's hat and again compares him ivith photo. Faddish stands thunderstruck) It is not heem! (puts Faddish's hat back on his head again and moves rapidly away to staircase) But he shall not escape me ! (stops at foot of stairs — then goes toward passageway r.) I will search from one end to the other. (Exits hurriedly off passageway R.) Faddish. (Faddish watches Dathis off in aston- ishment, leaving hat on his head just as placed there TOO MUCH JOHNSON 5 hy Dathis, icitliout readjusting it) He must be a detective. I'm glad I wasn't the man he wanted! (Noise outside of trunks hanging and rattle of trucks and chain.) (Faddish starts and looks about) Where can Leonora be— and that young Mackintosh ? I shall complain to my sister about that boy ! He's made me more trouble — but when the ship starts I shall be rid of him— Dear me, I must — perhaps they're — yes — I'll look on this side. (Exits through passageway at L. 1 e.) (Music stops.) (Leonora a7id Mackintosh enter l. from stairway. Leonora comes down first and stands at foot of stairs on L. Mackintosh follows down and stands at foot of stairs on r. They both stand staring motionless, looking in different direc- tions in absent-minded way.) Leonora, (pause — after holding picture a mo- ment) Oh, Harry. Mackintosh, (pause) Yes. (Noise of trucks, etc., outside.) Leonora, (starting and looking at Mackintosh —turning to him) Don't you think they're going? Mackintosh. I don't know, (he does not look around) Leonora. Oh it's cruel! cruel! (on his shoulder. Steam tvhistle blows outside. She starts and looks up at him) There. Did you hear that? Mackintosh. No ! What was it ? Leonora. It was the whistle. Why, you must have heard it, Harry. Mackintosh, (looking front, shaking head in absent, stunned sort of way) No, How can I — hear 6 TOO MUCH JOHNSON ™:fol'::!; "I '"''' «'-g--!>en you a.e-.eaving (Steam whistle hlows again.) afraid you'll be left^ ^ ^ ^^'^"^ ^ -^'^^ Mackintosh. They'll ring a bell B^1t^r;inje^ '^'^ ''''''' -^^P^oringly) Mackintosh. I didn't hear it getting ashore quite a while ago. " (Mackintosh moves as if to r/o.) frovopT'"'; , «•'*«"& «.^hore. Then I must l.EONonA. (stoppmn htm) You mustn't go- Haio-you mustn't. I can't bear it. (her head agmn down on his boson, in desperate grief) Mackixtosh. Leonora, when you are gone-life ">1 be so barren-so desolate^that-I-I can't "lEOVonT ^'^ fr/°''T'^ I """'t endure H!! MACKiXTOsir. What have I got to live for? yo.U-^:!!L27^'^°"'''^-"-' Can't you-can't MackixXtosti. For you. (tuminn to her) Leoxora. Oh! Of course YOU can't! But do live some way! won't you, Harry'? Mackixtosh. Down in this country, they s'ome old 7 '^? ' '.^^"^- ^''' ^^^^ ^P ^^ Canadl — some old French custom. Leoxora. Isn't it perfectly horrid. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 7 Mackintosh. Think of it — in this age of the world — to betroth yon to a man you never saw in your life — a man you don't love Leoxora. Oh no! Mackintosh. Just because he's rich ! A rich sugar planter — marriage for money — money, (going down E. a little) Leonora. Oh — papa is so cruel, {go l. a little) Mackintosh. It's an outrageous crime — {Enter Mr. Faddish l. hurriedly down staircase. Leonora and Mackintosh liave their hacks turned to him) It's— it's— Oh I can't. Faddish. Xow see here ! You must get right off from this boat — right off! {runs up stairs again.) Mackintosh. I tell you Mr Faddish {turn- ing to him) Faddish, {rumiing down stairs again) l^ow you ain't going to tell me anything! (Faddish moves nervously aiouf.) Leonora. Oh papa ! {symptoms of soiling) Mackintosh. Isn't her happiness something to you? Faddish. {stopping before him) Isn't her — (chokes with indignation) you ask me — her hap- piness — and I'm doing all this — 'ere's a chance for a good marriage. It ain't every day that a rich West Indian Sugar Planter will marry a girl with nothing but her family name to bring to him I And if her uncle James hadn't been down in Cuba last Winter and got acquainted with him, we couldn't have dared to hope for such a thing. Leonora. Then I wish Uncle James had stayed at home. Faddish. Well he didn't — he arranged it all — and you was perfectly free to accept it or not. You decided to accept. Leonora. I hadn't seen Harry then. Faddish. I don't care if you hadn't. Our word 8 TOO MUCH JOHNSON was given. We're Fadclishes — and we're going to keep it. Tiiey're going to go ! They're going to go. (starting tip staircase) (Purser crosses at top of stairs from l. to r. and speaks following speech to those in saloon as he goes across.) PrRSKR. Anybody to go asliore ! They're haul- ing in the plank. (Exit Purser.) Faddish, (excitedly — ivildly) Yes — yes! He's goin'! Tell 'em to wait, (engine-room hell rings) Mackintosh. I won't leave her. (goes over to Leonora) Faddish. (hopping about ivitli excitement — at foot of stairs) What! You promised — you prom- ised if I'd let you come down to New York — and see her off — here, wait, (goes upstairs) He's com- ing. You promised me (coming downstairs again) Mackintosh, (change) Yes — I did. (slight pause — suddenly clasps Leonora in his arms) Good-bye. (releases her as suddenly. Turns and dashes towards the stairway. Enter Leon Dathis from top of stairs R. just as Mackintosh is going up the stairs) Datpiis. (stopping Mackintosh) One moment. Mackintosh. Eh ? Faddish. Don't stop him! He's got to get off. Dathis. He cannot till I know hees name. Mackintosh. What are you doing? (struggles hard to pass Dathis — Dathis holds him. Steam whistle blows) Faddish. My soul! (fusses about) He'll be left! TOO MUCH JOHNSON 9 Datiiis. Who ees he — I ask you zhat? Faduish. Don't stop him — I'll be responsible. Datiiis. His name — what is it? Faddish. ( ,, ^, , ^^ 1 . ^ 1 Mackintosh. } (iogether) Mackintosh. (Leonora regards this scene with anxiety — eyes strained wide open. Stands motionless.) Datiiis. Permeet me. (Snatches off Mackintosh's hat — and at the same time pulls piece of pjiotograph from his pocket and hiirricdly compares the two. Struggle, etc., going on during this, hut Dathis holds Mack- intosh firmly.) Datiiis. It is not heem! (Eeleases Mackintosh. Mackintosh exits quickly — Datiiis doivn l. Mackintosh makes a ru^h up stairivay, and hounds off l. Dathis comes downstairs and stands L. ivatching scene.) ! ' Faddish. (follotving Mackintosh) Hurry! Hurry! or you'll be left! Eun ! (Purser appears On stairivay from ahove as Mackintosh rushes past. Looks at him) Purser.. He can't get ashore. (Comes downstairs and goes off passageway up L., down and off.) Faddish, (ivildly on stairs) Can't he jump? Leonora, (to r. foot of stairs, with scream) Oh! No! No! (running to foot of stairivay and a few steps up in her excitement He mustn't. Don't let him. Stop him. . . 10 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Faddish, (upstairs — wildly) Tell them to stop the boat. (goes off l. calling) Stop the boat! Stop the boat ! ! Leoxora. (looking up the stairs and off to L.) They're holding him. They won't let him jump ! He's safe! He's safe. Dathis. (who has watched bus. from l., going up to stairivay) Tell me zthis! Why did zthe young man wish to escape — eh? Tell me zthat? Leonora, (looks at Dathis) He didn't wish to! They made him. (coming dotvn toiuard table R.) Dathis. I shall see him once more. There is some treek. (Exits by passageway up L. Enter Mackintosh, running down stairivay.) Mackintosh, (seizing Leonora's hands) My darling ! Leonora. Isn't it dreadful ! Mackintosh, (releasing her) That I am going with you ! Leonora. (with a cry of pain) Oh — no! I only meant that — that you Mackintosh. We're not far from the dock — I can jump in and swim, (going to foot of stairs) Leonora, (following him quickly — holding him) Xo, no! You shall not. You shall not do it! I didn't mean it, Harry, you know I didn't. Mackintosh. Then I will go with you! (arm around her) Leonora, (bus. — they both sit on bottom step but one of stairs) Oh, I'm so glad — so glad, (pause) But, Harry — the steamer is full — every berth is taken ! Where will you sleep ? Mackintosh. I don't want to sleep! I want to lie awake — and realize that I am here with you. Leonora. Oh, Harry ! But you must have some- where — to lie awake in! TOO MUCH JOHNSON H Mackintosh. It's nothing to me! I'll go on the roof — or down in the coal hole — or — or {stops, unable to think of any other place had enough) Leoxora. How brave you are ! {arms around him) and — and — I'm so glad you're going too! 80 glad I {whistle of tugboat — answered after a moment's pause by steam ivhistle of ship. Getting up suddenly) What was that? Mackintosh. I don't know, {rising) Leonora, {going to r.) Shall we — shall we go out and see? Mackintosh. Yes — if you want to. {they start toward passageway up R. Arm around her) He — he can't blame me — can he? I tried to get off! Leonora. Oh — no. Mackintosh. And we — we're not torn asunder — yet — my darling. Leonora. No, oh no, Harry! Not yet! {Business.. They exit by passageway up R.) {Enter Augustus Billings and Purser — from passageway up L. Purser goes quickly to cab- inet over R., under staircase, talcing out keys, un- locking. Looks rapidly among bottles. Bil- lings follows him up to cabinet — giving rapid glance about cabinet as he comes in. Another glance or two about over his shoulder as he stands watching Purser; Purser finds empty bottle. Holds it up to light and shakes — to make sure that it is empty. Shakes head. Looks at Billings. Billings looks at him. Slight pause. Note. — Endeavor to work Bil- lings on the easy, nonchalant idea, as far as possible, confident, cool, not too anxious — always confident he'll pull through all right.) Purser. All gone, sur ! Not a drop left ! (Bil- 12 TOO MUCH JOHNSON LINGS loolvs at Purser with hands shoved down in trousers pockets. They both come down) I re- member there was quite a call for it the last trip in. It's one of the best things for seasickness, sir, that you ever BiLLiXGS. {interrupting Purser) Yes, but it's gone. (Purser and Billings look at one another an instant. Billings turns away as if to go L. Purser goes up to cabinet^ puts hack the bottle. Note. — Billings 7nem., to remove cap at some time during this scene — so that his head and hair may be seen previous to the hair cutting business. Billings stops a little down left because something occurs to him. Glances at Purser. Pulls out roll of bills and gets a 20. Aloud, as he is getting bill out) Say — look here (without looking round. May put unlighted cigar which he finds in pocket absent- mindedly into mouth) Purser, (ivho has just closed cabinet) Yes, sir — (goes doicn near Billings) Billings. Want to get you to (slight pause as he nonchalantly puts a twenty dollar bill into Purser's ha?id) Purser. Certainly, sir — anything I can Billings. Yes — that's what I mean. You can help me through on a little (notices number of stateroom down L. With motion of head and look- ing over at stateroom) 'S that seventy-two? Purser. Yes, sir. (looks over at stateroom) Billings. Say — come over here, will you? (hold centre of stage) There's a strange thing on around here — and I'm in it — (looking around cabin) Do you see anybody? Purser. No, sir! Billings. Where? Purser. Where, sir! I Billings. Oh, I thought you said you did. Purser. No, sir. Billings. All up on deck, aien't they, seeing 'em off? 1X)0 MUCH JOHNSON 13 Purser. Yes, sir ! BiLLTXGS. Sa}', look here! Listen! Just because I took a lady to the opera two or thre-^ times and sent her a few notes and a photograph I've got to go to Cuba — See here ! I'll have to tell you all about it or you won't be any use to me. My name's Bil- lings — office 18 Wall — Attorney, you know — and all that — • Live up in Yonkers. Purser. Yes, sir. BiLLiXGS. Yes, just starting out for some place in Cuba — forget what they call it — Sandy something or other. Purser. Sandiago, sir! BiLLixGs. That's what it is! Purser. Sandiago's way down at the East end o' the island, sir! Billings. All right. That's where we're going. Purser. We take you to Havana, sir. BiLLiXGS. AAliat for? Purser. That's where the boat runs, sir. Billings. What do I do then? Purser. You change to a steamer which takes you to Sandiago. Billings. Do I have to change? Purser. Yes, sir. You'll have plenty of time there. Billings. Oh, I'll have plenty of time, will I? Well, I need plenty of time. Now, see here, you don't know how it is yet. Two ladies with me — wife and her mother. They think I own a big place down there — and run the sugar business. (looJcs at Purser an instant — sJiakes head) Eot. (Purser looks at Billings surprised. Cigar in mouth again.) Don't know what sugar is. All came out of a little affair you know — come over here — (Purser folloivs Billings and stands left at chair) singular, isn't it, how these little — detained in town one night on business — dining at French table d'hote — one of the 14 TOO MUCH JOHNSON real ones near Washington Square — she was cliann- ing, too — sweetest little — French, you know — and a flirt— Great Scott !— Out of sight!' Purser, {eyes sparkling) Out of si.dit, was she? Billings. Yes. Wish to God sheM stayed there. (Note. — ''Yes" slwred — more Yeer) Forgotten her purse or something — course I came to time — settled the bill — saw her to cab — saw cab to — hem — Purser. Yes, yes. BiLLiXGS. Theatres — concerts — operas — roof gar- dens — and all that sort of innocent amusement till her husband came back. Purser. Husband, sir! {hack to centre of stage) BiLLixGS. Don't shriek like that ! ! That's the idea though — One of these crazy Frenchmen — wine business — importer and all that. Had to make the trip to San Francisco every now and then — that's where he imported from. Purser. yes, I see. BiLLiXGS. Yes, of course. California wine — with a French accent. Every time he went West we stayed East — you see how it was, of course. Purser. Yes, sir. BiLLiXGS. Of course had to tell 'em something — up in Yonkers. Said I'd bought a sugar ranch down in Cuba, had to go down there every now and then to see it. It occurred to me because I had a college chum — Billy Lounsberry — went down there in '84— gave me the idea, you see. His ranch was near this place — e — Santiago. He called it "The Columbia" — patriotic sort of a duck, Billy was — so I just gave 'em that as the name of mine, so as to have a real one behind it. Knew Lounsberry wouldn't mind. He'd do anything for me ! Don't believe in these things — but — 'didn't seem to be any way out of it Purser. No, sir. BiLLiXGS. I'm glad you look at it that way. Last Tuesday got word from her TOO MUCH JOHNSON 15 Purser. Which ? Billings, (looks at Purser an instant) There's only one. I didn't mention another, did I ? Clair- ette was her name, I thought I told you. Purser. No, sir. Billings. Clairette, the little French Purser. Oh, yes, I remember her! Billings. Yes — I got word from her after her husband left for the Slope that morning. Looked up Havana steamers — found this was the first one out — told the folks I'd got to take it. Purser. What folks? Billings. Told my folks up in Yonkers. Purser. Oh I see. Billings. I'd got to take this steamer, you know — then I lit out for Long Branch where I'd got to meet her Billings. Got to Long Branch ; instead of finding her there, found this letter waiting- for me at the West End Hotel, (feeling in pockets) — where the deuce (cigar in mouth to get it out of way. Feels in other pockets) Great Scott ! ! Now if I've gone and dropped that anywhere — the way they do in plays (looking about) Oh — overcoat pocket — hung it up in stateroom (starting over l. toward stateroom 72 as if to get it — hut stops sud- denly and turns to Purser, tvho is now r. Purser starts to follow Billings to stateroom and is stopped) Never mind — this is what she said " Monsieur Johnson." Purser. Johnson, sir? I thought it was to you. Billings. That's right — I'm Johnson Purser. You, sir ! — you said your name was Bil- lings ? Billings, (shaking head) Not in this case. Purser. Oh — yes, I see! Billings. Yes. Wouldn't do to give my name, vou know. Might take a fancy to look you up and 16 TOO MUCH JOHNSON there you are ! Johnson perfectly safe — such a lot of 'em. More than 15,000 of them in the directory. Haven't counted them — but a man told me, such a lot of 'em. She doesn't even know I belong in this countr}' — gave her the same deal about o^vning a sugar ranch in Cuba — one lie covers both ends of it. Always like to economize on a lie when I can, you know. Purser. Very good, sir. BiLLiXGS. Letter was something like this! "My most adorable little Sugar Planter " — or whatever it was — " Fly for your life — my husband has unex- pectedly come back before he started. He suspects — he has seized your photogi'aph — your name is on the back," — and all that, you see. Purser. Very disagreeable, wasn't it, sir? Billings, (shal-es head) Not yet — coming to that now. Always come down to the steamer last thing before she sails— might find letters — Yonkers you know — and all that. Came this morning. Found one — ]\Irs. Billings — said she and her mother'd been thinking it over. That settled it — needn't read any •more. When they think anything over — Biff — ^you know. Been thinking- it over — wanted a rest and change of air — unless I telegraphed contrary they'd go to Cuba with me. (Purser gives a long tvliistle) Too late to telegraph contrary — barely time to get a couple of staterooms — rush out and buy this cap — so's to look as if I was really going, you know ^— and there they were toddling up the gang plank — See how it is of course. They think I'd made the trip a couple of dozen times — regular old sea dog and all that^ — (slight pause) be as sick as a cat in ten minutes — and don't know a damn thing about Cuba (turning from Purser and going up a little) . Purser, (after slight pause to take it in) But when you get to Santiago, sir — ? Billings, (coming to him again) Get there Fm TOO MUCH JOHNSON 17 all right. Hunt up Billy Lounsberry, he's there yet ! you know, borrow his plantation for a week or so and pass it off as mine. He's all right — do any- thing for me — Thing is getting there. Purser. Now I think of it, sir, there's an extra bottle of that nerve tonic up in my cabin. (Billings looks at Purser) Billings. Well I'm glad you think of it. Purser. I'll get it right off. {starts up the stairway) Billings. Eight off isn't any too soon for me. (Purser stops suddenly on stairs and comes down again to r. of Billings) Purser. There's another thing, sir. Did you ever try a belt? Billings. (sJiaJces head) Never tried anything. Purser. It's almost sure to fix you, sir! (going to cabinet again and opening it^ bringing out a large belt, with strap and bucMes of considerable size. Brings it down to Billings who has ^one over l. c. near table) Billings. Do I get it? (as purser goes up for belt) Purser. Yes, sir, here it is ! — I'm glad I thought of that! (Billings takes belt) Billings. What do I do with that? Purser. Put it on, sir — that's all ! Billings. Didn't know but I had to chew it or something. Purser. Ah now, chew that? Billings. Only joking of course. Shouldn't want to be taken for a horse. Purser. Now that won't be necessary, do you want to hide it? Billings. I can tell you that Purser. Well button your coat over it. Billings. I suppose you have done this before? 18 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Purser. yes, quite often. Let me help you, sir. Some people it keeps off seasickness entirely. BiLLiXGS. Some people? — Purser. Yes, sir. BiLLiNCJS. Trust I'm a member of that fortunate class of the community, {during bus. of tightening belt) I begin to feel as if I'd had dinner. (Purser tightens belt) There goes another dinner. Say — am I going to take any of that tonic ? Purser. Why certainly, sir! BiLLiXGS. Then you don't want to pull this thing any tighter. Purser. But you must have it tight ! That's the only good of it ! Billings. All right. (Purser pulls Billings hard) Say ! Hold on ! Let me hang on to some- thing! Purser. Hold on to that table, sir. fPi'RSER begins to pull straps with force and Billings braces himself and holds on to table. Enter Mrs. Billings aifd ^[rs. Batterson doicn stair icaij from l. They stop in astonish- ment on seeing the Purser pulling Billings around. The Purser gives a strong pull, so that Billings loses hold on table and is throivn around — holding on to Purser, which leaves Pi'RSER L. of Billings when ladies scream. Mrs. Billings gives a sharp scream and Mrs. Batterson at same time a screech of alarm, both starting down toward Billings and Purser Mrs. Billings arriving nearest to Billings. Billings coolly turns and stands easily before them tvith perfect self possession — and no idea of concealing anything. Clothes somewhat dis- arranged. TaJces cigar out of mouth.) Billings, (lool-ing about to see what caused them to scream) What did you see? TOO MUCH JOHNSON 19 Mrs. Billixgs. Was he — why what was he doing to you ? Billixgs. (innocenthj) Who? (glances about) Mrs. Billixgs. Why, that fellow — yon were wrestling with Billix^gs. {looks about innocently — sees Purser) Oih — (his momentary anxiety is satisfied. Takes out^ a cigar and prepares to light it) That's what it was. {lighting his cigar. Says to Purser care- lessly between puffs as he lights it — ) She thought we were scrapping. Mrs. Battersox. Vv'hat is the explanation of the affair? Billixgs. {cigar bus. ^yait till lights it before speahing) Helping me on — with this, {touching belt lightly as he tossed away match) Mrs. Billixgs. Mercy! What is it? Billixgs. Belt, {he handles buckles, etc., care- lessly) Mrs. Battersox^. And whv were yon going strapped into a belt at such a time? Billixgs. Game of tennis, {puffs cigar) Mrs. Battersox. Tennis! Mrs. Billix^gs. Yon don't mean here on the ship ! BiLLix^GS. ISTo. Going to get off and play in the water. (Purser goes to passageway up l. and ■watches them) Mrs. BillixTiS. Why, Augustus ! — You don't mean that ! BiLLiXTGS. (to Purser gagly) 'S all right, old man, be along in five or ten minutes. Purser. Very well, sir! I'll get the mallets! (Exit Purser by passageway up l.) Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs. {turning in surprise on word mallets) Mallets ! 20 TOO MUCH JOHNSON BiLLiXGS. (nods affirmatively) 'S a way he has— doesn't like to say anything about a racket (puif of smol-e) he's a married man. Mrs. Battersox. {crossing over to him—URS. BiLLixXGS retires np a little) Tennis seems to me a most extraordinary pastime to indulge m— at soa. BrLLiXGS. 'S all right— You haven't got to play. (Mrs. Battersox goes r., Mrs. Billixcs co?nes doivn next to Billixcs) {Enter PrRSER's Boy from passageway up l. Tie comes doun to BiLLiXGs'a;?^ offers him a large bottle.) BiLLiXGS. {after looUnq at the hoi/ awhile calmly) What's that? ' ' ' Boy. It's the medicine, sir. {offering Billixgs a hottle. Pause. Billixgs regards the hoy in meditative silence. Puff cigar bus.) BiLijXGs. :\redicine? '{tal-es hottle and looks at it) Boy. Yes, sir. Chief Purser savs when you feel it coming on, take a spoonful in a g-lass o' water. Billixgs. Feel what cominof on? (Billixgs is simply and naturally apparently ignorant of what it all means. No fits and starts. ' No signs to the hoy a.^ide. Nothing) Boy. Seasickness, sir. Billixgs. What? Boy. Seasickness ! Mrs. Billixgs. For you, Augustus! Billixgs. Somebody's trying to be funny, {looks at hottle again. To Boy— as if to get at the root of the matter — yet not sharp or strong) Wliere'd vou get this? ^ Boy. The Chief Purser sent it, sir. He said you TOO MUCH JOHNSON 21 Billings, {interrupting) Oh — Purser! Yes — must be that stuff (looks at bottle) I was telling McCauley about — Steward thought it was for me. (to Boy) Spoonful, you say, — when he feels it coming on ? Boy. Yes, sir. (Exit l. 1 e.) Billings. I'll tell him — (sitting on edge of table l. — putting bottle in side pocket) First I thought they had a game up on me. There's some of the boys on this trip. (Enter Dathis excitedly from passageway up l. Goes quickly to R. of Billings.) Datiiis. (to Billings) I shall ask you, sir, to Billings, (turning coolly to Datiiis a^id drawijig bottle out of pocket) Here it is, right here — (shoves bottle into " Dathis's " hands and begins to lead him away) When you feel it coming on, take a spoonful in a glass of water. Datiiis. But I wish you to tell me, sir. Billings. Tells all about it on the bottle ! Dathis. I call on you, sir. Billings. Cheer up, old man. (They exit l. 1 e. expostulating ad. lib. Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings watch them off astonished.) Mrs. Batterson. What was the man trying to say? Mrs. Billings. He was asking Augustus about the medicine, I think. Mrs. Batterson. There was something else. He seemed to be in a most excited state! Mrs. Billings. Yes, so he did. Have you seen our staterooms, mama? Yours is right next to ours. {going to stateroom No. 70 and unlocking it) 22 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battersox. I just looked in before we started. Mrs. BiLLixcs. I must go and fix things. Augustus scattered his clothes all about. I never saw such a place. Mrs. B.vtterson. (goiiuj up to her stateroom No. 70) Well don't let's stop long now. I want to see the Statue of Liberty, and we're almost there. Mrs. Billixgs. {at her door) Oh, yes, we want to sec that! Were vou going to get a wrap? ]\rRS. Battersox. (at her door) Yes, it's too chilly to be up tliere without one. (^Irs. Billixgs goes in stateroom No. 72. Gets shawl from outside) ^[rs. Billixgs. ^fine's all done up in a shawl strap. Mrs. Battersox. AVdl don't stop for it now — take something else. ^Ins. Billixgs. {qetliufi overcoat from stateroom No. 72) Hero is just the thing I Augustus isn't using it. ^Ihs. Battersox. Yes, come dear! (starting to- ward stairwai/) "Mrs. Billixgs. I don't believe he wants it, do you ? ^[rs. Battersox. (tooling round at her, and quitting on her shawt) It's not at all likely that he'll need an overcoat to play tennis in. ^Irs. Billixgs. Oh, yes, he's going to play tennis. (begins fumhling with pocl'et of overcoat) ^Irs. Battersox. I should think that belt he had on was enough to keep him warm without much of anvthing else. Mrs. Billixgs. Oh ! wait a minute, mama ! (sits R. of table l.) Mrs. Battersox. Wliat's the matter? Mrs. Billixgs. Pear me! He's got a lot of cigars in this pocket ! I must take them out or they'll all be broken, and he wouldn't like that. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 23 (hrings out some cigars and puts tliem on table le- side her) Mrs. Battersox. My advice would be to bring them up on deck and pitch them off into the water. Mrs. Billings. But it wouldn't do any good — he'd only get some more, {hr'mging out more cigars) Mrs. Batterson". The man makes a perfect chimney of himself. Mrs. Billings. Xot a perfect chimney, mama — because he smokes. Mrs. Batterson. I have never approved of your letting him go on with it, when he gave you his promise to stop, before I consented to your marriage. Mrs. Billings. Yes, but I didn't want to hold him to it. ydurinq this Mrs. Billings hrings out more cigars and letter and envelope) He enjoys it so much — and, besides, he never smokes pipes — and that's a good deal ! Mrs. Batterson. {seeing Utter in Mrs. Billings' hand) What's that? Mrs. Billings, (casually) Kh some letter or something ! Mrs. Batterson. (loohing over her shoulder) It looks like a female hand — you'd better let me see it ! Mrs. Billings. Oh, no! — it might be — some- thing private, you know — and it doesn't seem quite right to • Mrs. Batterson. It doesn't seem quite right to find strange ladies' letters in your husband's pockets Mrs. Billings. But it's — it's only business — I'm sure of that. Mrs. Batterson. Then there's no harm in look- ing at it. (talcing letter and envelope) You see it's out of the envelope — So we don't open it. (reads letter — pause) Well, I declare!! Mrs. Billings, (rises and goes to her) What is it? (reaching for letter) 24 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battersox. (drawing letter away) No! Mrs. Billings. Why — is it — is it anything, mama ? Mrs. Battersox. Anything!! — (embracing her) My i)oor dear, you must prepare yourself for the wors !t I've suspeeted for some time that things were not as tliey should be, but I liad no idea they were as bad as this ! ^Frs. Billings. What is it? — What does it say? Mrs. Battersox. You'd better not hear it — yet ! Mrs. Billings. Oh, I must know! (pauM') Head it! Bead it!!! :\Ii{s. Battersox. (reuih) "My sweetest of little su«^^ar-})lanters." Mrs. Billixgs. Does it say that? Mrs. Battersox. (nods ''yes") Mrs. BiLLiNcis. From a — a lady? Mrs. Batterson. Do you suppose a )nan would l)e*,Mn like that? ^^I{s. l^iLLiNcs. Who — who is it? Mi;s. Batterson. '' Clairette " ! ! Mrs. Billings. '^ Clairette"! (piteously) ^[rs. Battersox. Yes. And how do you like to have this creature say ^[rs. BiLLiX(;s. (hreal'ing in on her) Xo, no! — don't read any more^-now (goes; l. a little, thinking) ^[rs. Battersox. Something must be done. (pause) Come into my room! My poor child! (goes up to door of stateroom No. TO and waits) Mrs. Billixgs. (pause a moment, then hreals down and goes up to Mrs. Battersox') Mama!!! ^Frs. Battersox. Come my dear!! (takes her off into stateroom No. TO) (Enter Datiiis and Billixgs from passage up l. Datiiis comes on first holding medicine bottle and goes down R., then crosses over to l.) TOO MUCH JOHNSON 25 Dathis. But I tell you, sir — zis ees an imposi- tion ! It ees Billings, (c.) Say, hold on! I can't under- stand a word you're talking about. Don't thrash about the ship like this — want to tell you how it was — the stuff was sent to me you know Dathis. {crossing to r. again) Then why did you insist that I should take it, eh? Billings. What's the matter? Can't you help a fellow out on a little thing like that, eh? Dathis. Oh zen I take it to help you, eh ? Billings. That's the way it is — do as much for you sometime — don't talk so loud? Dare say you know how it is yourself — if you've got a wife ! Dathis. Yes! I have got a wife! (Billings takes it coolly. Begards Dathis an instant. Dathis looks searchingly at Billings) Billings. Yes — of course — so you can — sympa- thize with me — and I can do the same for you — ought to do these little things, you know — fellow voyagers on life's sea — both of the same — sex — and all that — won't you join me in a little {going toward Dathis a little — Billings takes medicine hottle. Dathis shakes head and motion of hand) Sorry — {putting bottle in his breast pocket) — Might do you good — might cure you. Traveling for pleasure, I suppose Dathis. {rather violently and suddenly) N"o ! — not for pleasure ! Billings. Then it must be a business trip — hardly thought — you had the look of a man represent- ing- a wholesale or retail — something of a diplomatic or artistic nature? Dathis. {very emphatically) Sir! I am an im- porter of French wines {going to Billings. Bill- ings simply regards Dathis calmly an instant) Billings, (first pvts cigar in mouth) Kecent attempt at tariff reform affected your trade much ? 26 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Dattiis. Listen ! My business is not wines ! It was. It is no longer ! I am in search of a scoundrel ! (crosses Billixgs to l. Billings re- gards Dathis coolly a few seconds) Billixgs. Scoundrel, eh! (sits l. of J able r. Cool — hut sliowincj hij a glance that he realizes tvho Datiiis is) Dathis. (hisses it out) Y-e-s! — Scoundrel! He has desolated my home! He has — (chokes with ex- citement. Going to BiLLiSGs) But I have tracked heem to zthis sheep ! He shall fight with me ! Billixgs. That's right! Datiiis. You would do the same? Billings. Of course — that's what I always do! Datiiis. Then I shall do it ! It is easy to find him noAv ! I know zthat he is on zthis sheep — and (leaving Billings and going down l. again. Pulls out photograph excitedly, trembling hands) I have here his photograph! (Dathis looks earnestly at photo and does not see Billings hus. Billings quietly turns up collar of his coat) Billings. Got everything your own way, haven't you? Datiiis. Ze photograph is torn — I have here only ze top part of hees head. Billings. Too had — what's the matter with the rest of it? Datiiis. (goes on with ferocity) ]\Iy " Clairette," my wife, has torn eet away! (Billings pauses a minute — then turns down collar quietly) But this is enouirh ! I cannot mistake — eff I see zhe top of the head like zhat ! Billings. Xo certainly not. Nohodv could mis- take such a looking thing as that, but you have all the trouble of Dathis. Zthe trouble is nozthing at all ! I will look at all on zthis sheep, (goes over to Billings who is still seated l. of table R.) Zthat is why I will TOO MUCH JOHNSON 27 ask you to permeet me — {reaching for Billings' cap. JBiLLiX( s. V^'h}', certainly — anything 1 can do to (rising) AVhat is it? {pause — to Dathis) ^Yait here a minute — My wife's Datiiis. But, Monsieur — I wish you to- BiLLiNGS. Just going to the stairs here to tell her I can't come. Xow look here, you, old man, Just a minute — I want to hear all about this photograph torn in two and you've got the little end of it. Don't go away — want to hear the rest of this! — {pulls knife or pocket scissors out of pocket as lie goes up. Bus. of getting ready to cut hair. Goes up stairicaij -jar enough to hide head) Billings, {speaking off up stairway) What did you say? Yes, I'm here. (Billings hair-cutting hus. Plead out of sight — Dathis luaits down l. looking at photograph) No — don't know where she is — better look in the smoking-room — if she isn't there, look somewher.e else I No — can't come just now — Talking business with a man — be up in a few minutes! {bus. handfuls of hair, etc. Billings puts on cap and comes down again to Dathis) Have to attend to these little things — you know how it is — Now — as you w^ere going to say — {comes down and sits again l. of table R.) Dathis. I shall not detain you long — {coming over to Billings) It is only that I must look at everyone Billings. That's all right. Dathis. You will permeet me — {removes Bill- ings' cap — starts on seeiiig his head which has a patch on top ivith no hair on it — then looks at photo to compare it and speaks) It is not heem ! {returns photo to pocket) Billings, x^nything else I can do for you, old man — just let me know. Mrs. Batterson. {speaks outside from her state- roo77i) I shall certainly look into this affair. 28 TOO MUCH JOHNSON (She enters from her stateroom No. 70 followed by Mrs. Billings — and sees Billings seated l. of table R. — as ladies enter Dathis retires up a little on R. — and watches closely scene with Billings and ladies.) Mrs. Batti]Rson. There he is! (stands at j^. with stern and determined expression expression, a letter in her hand) Mrs. Billings. So he is ! Augustus ! {"R- of Mrs. Batterson) Billings. What's the matter? (rising) Don't you like your stateroom? Mrs. Billings. It isn't that. Datiiis. (To Billings) Ees that your wife? Billings. (To Dathis) Looks like it. Datiiis. (Aside to Billings) You speak to her zther from ze stairway on zthe deck. How then does she come from her cabin? Billings. (Aside to Dathis) Tliat is funny, isn't it? She must have got in the window. Mrs. Billings. Augustus! Billings, (starts toward her — removing cap) rU Just see what the ladies want. Yes, my dear. (Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson give one look and shriek) Dathis. (coming down close to Billings r. of him) Why does your wife scream? Billings. You frighten her, my boy! Dathis. Whiii have I done? Billings. How do I know? Some damn things anvone can see that. Mrs. Billings, (pointing to Billings' head) Oh, Augustus ! Dathis. No, no! She points at you! Billings. Don't say anything about it, she can't point straight^ — she's left-handed. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 29 Batiiis. (after a looJc, crosses to c. hetiveen Bil- lings and ladies) If ze ladies desire me to re- tire Billings. They seem to — Perhaps you'll come around some other time, (going rigid with him up to passageway up r.) When you're fixed up a little — our room is 72 — we'd like to see you any other time, but now you know (exit Dathis r. u. e. Billings after sending Datiiis off comes down to ladies) Mrs. Billings. Augustus — what is it! Where have you been? Billings. Engine room. Mrs. Billings. Oh! (subdued) Billings. Pretty close shave. Mrs. Billings. Mercy! Billings. Got absorbed. Didn't notice where I was — standing near the piston-rod. (Mrs. Billings shudders — Billings has hat off until end of this speech) Suddenly I felt my hair seized in a grip of iron — caught by the suction pump — slowly wound up on the starboard windlass — struggle with might and main No use! Drawn nearer and nearer every moment? Suddenly remember — pocket- knife! Snatched it out — cut myself loose — and fell exhausted into the ash-pan! (sits l. of table r.) Mrs. Billings, (great and breathless earnestness) Oh, Augustus! (slight pause) Wasn't that dread- ful, mama? Mrs. Batterson. Yes — very. Now go to your stateroom — I wish to see him about this! (refers to letter she has) Mrs. Billings. Oh, yes ! I'd forgotten that. (going to him at table and talcing his hand, bringing him down) Oh, I hope it — it isn't so, Augustus. Billings, (rising and coming down r. c. with Mrs. Billings) Hope what isn't so? Mrs. Billings, (leaving him and spealcing as she goes to stateroom No. 72) Ask mama!! \ 30 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battersox. (slandinjj c. looking at her — sees Mrs. Billings off — then turns and looks at BiLLiXGS, icJio is R. — long pause before she speaks — the/j stand looking at one another) Of course I needn't explain what it is I desire to see you about ! Billings, (shakes head) Needn't explain any- thing you don't want to. (Billings looks at her a moDient as he speaks, then goes quickly to table and reads his paper. After a long pause, during ichich ]\[rs. Batterson looks at him ) ^Irs. Battkrson. Pah! As if yoii didn't know wliat I meant! (going over to hiui at table) It's this letter, sir, that I wish to have explained. (Bil- lings loivers paper and looks at her) Billings. What is it? (holds out hand for letter) Mrs. Battkrson. (drawing it awaj/^ Xot at all. Billings, (resinning paper) Thought you wanted nie to ex])lain something. Mrs. Battkrson. (rapidly — very exciledhj) This is what I want you to explain : "We found it in the pocket of your overcoat! (reads with rapidity and excitement) "^Fonsieur: — You must go away quickly. ^ly husband returns. He seizes your photograph. I also seize it — it breaks — but he has still a part — he is most violent — he Billings. (interrupting. Nonchalantly — but penetrating tone. Slight motion of hand) Say! Wait a minute, (etc., until Mrs. Battkrson stops) That's the one, is it ? ^Irs. Battkrson. That's the one, sir ! And I call on you to — to Billings. Say — hold on now — don't call on me. You go and call on the man it's writt'en to. (reads paper) Mrs. Battkrson. Written to ! (sudden glance at letter then looks at Billings) It's to you isn't it? Billings, (not looking up shakes head non- TOO MUCH JOHNSON 31 clialantJij) 'Fraid not. (Mrs. Batterson loolcs at Utter) Mrs. Batterson. (feeling in pocket) Where — wliere's the {pulls envelope from pocket and looks at it) '' Mr. Alfred— Mr. Alfred Johnson— West End Hotel — Long Branch.'' I never looked at the en- velope, {this last is said to herself. She looks at Billings. Billings sits silent, reading paper) Johnson ! {pausce. Billings does not look at her) Who is he? {goes nearer to Billings) Who is this Johnson? {sternly) Billings. Friend of mine, {reads again) Mrs. Batterson. Do you open letters addressed to yonr friends? Billings, {reading) Um — nm — When they ask me to. Mrs. Batterson. Where is this friend of yours? Billings. Cuba. Mrs. Batterson. You told us you didn't know anyone there — outside of your own place. Billings. That's right. Mrs. Batterson. Oh — then he's on your planta- tion, is he? (Billings nods — trying to read paper) Um ! {sire considers a moment) You're not doing all this for one of your negro workmen are you? Billings. Think they're all niggers on my place? Mrs. Batterson. I don't know. Billings. Got to have an overseer or something haven't I? Mrs. Batterson. Oh, then this Johnson is your overseer ? Billings. Believe so. {aside) Have to pass Billy off as my overseer. But that's all right — he'd Mrs. Batterson. {looks at envelope again) And his name is Mr. Alfred — Johnson. Billings, {aside) Got to change his name to Johnson — Won't mind that — do anything for me. 32 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Batterson. Well, I must say this throws rather an interesting light on your overseer's char- acter. BiLLixciS. Think so, do you? Mrs. Batterson. Think so! (lools at Billings an instant) The presence of such a man makes the place an undesirable one for my daughter to visit. {going right to him) The first thing I shall do will be to discharge the fellow, (going over to her stateroom) Billings. She's going to discharge Billy from his own place, I want to see that. Mrs. Batterson. (at her stateroom door No. 70) \\\liat I cannot understand is that you should have permitted such a (Enter Mrs. Billings from her stateroom No. 72.) Mrs. Billnings. (standing hy her stateroom and speaking up to Mrs. Batterson, who is at her stateroom door) Mama! Is it — is he Mrs. Batterson. (at her stateroom door No. 70) It seems the letter was not addressed to him. It was for his overseer — a Mr. Alfred Johnson. (Mrs. Batterson exits into stateroom No. 70) Mrs. Billings, (after watching Mrs. Batterson off turns to Billings) Oh, I'm so glad, (goes to Billings and jnits her arms around him) 1 — didn't doubt you, Augustus — only it did look so dreadful. (Billings regards her calmly) Xow come and see our stateroom ! I've put it in beautiful order, (get- ting Billings up from chair and leading him over to l. c. Billings lets her lead him in absent- minded sort of way. Taking off Billings' cap and looking at the state of his head) And do let me trim your hair a little, you look like a perfect fright! (taking him nearer to stateroom and looking up in his face lovingly) And you will forgive me about that letter — won't you, Augustus? TOO MUCH JOHNSON 33 Billings. What letter? Mks. Billings. Why the one Mama Billings. Oh, that^s all right! {tliey exit into stateroom 72) {Enter Mackintosh and Leonora from passage- way up R. Hurriedly they glance behind them as they come as if trying to elude someone. Mackintosh comes on first.) Leonora. Do you think he saw us? (goes and sits l. of table R.) Mackintosh. No — he was looking over at that schooner, {comes and leans over hack of table, his face near her) My own love. Leonora. Papa is so inconsiderate. To follow us everywhere — when we love each other so. Mackintosh. Yes, my darling. Leonora. Oh how good that you couldn't get off — wasn't it? Mackintosh. It was the voice of fate, Leonora. Yes — but — but when we get there — Harry — and that dreadful man comes to take me. Mackintosli. I will appeal to him — as an honor- able man — I will {Enter Faddish hurriedly down the cabin stairway. He is looking around for his daughter.) Leonora. Oh ! Here's papa. (Mackintosh comes r. of table r. and sits. Leonora and Mackintosh sits, motionless, staring blankly before them like wax figures. Faddish sees them. He comes down l. of Leonora.) Faddish. All this familiarity has got to stop. Suppose it was reported to him how you'd carried on. He might refuse to marry you! Leonora. I wish he would 34 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Faddish. Well — he Uuight Jiear .of it— there's sojiie ])eople right here on this boat going to tlie saijie phu-e. Suppose they knew liim and tohl liini all about it. Li:ox()i{A. ] wish tliey wouhl. Faddish, {severely) Don't say another word. ((joes over and sits u. of table L. ' llwee sit in an (uckward silence for a inonienl. To ^Tackixtosii) What (lid you say ? Mackixtosii. I didn't say anything. Faddish. Well — there's "nothing to he said. {rrossin;/ his Irf/s) It's all settled. L,li:o\(»i;.\. Oh pa|);i I {rises and i/ocs (oirard Faddsii) Faddish. As soon as von see what a heaiHiru! place he's got. {risiii;/ lo her) Lk()\()I{A. How do yon kn(»w what he's got? {Iiinis from l*\\i)Dlsii iiii pet noiisli/ and rclnrns fo iliair : docs nol si I ) Faddish. A rich sngar planter such as he is — must have evei-ything. Ll«:0X()i{\. Well. I know he's pi-rTectlv dreadful. (si Is) I^'addish. ((/oin;/ lo I j:()\()I{A ) These jK'opIc thai the ])urser told me were going to Santiago might know about him and what kind of a jilace it is. We can ask them anywav — it will do no harui. TvKOXoijA. 1 (hui't want to hear anything id»onl him — or his place — or any place. (Enlcr ;^^Rs. I^ATTKHSox fron} her stalerooni Xo. T(l. goes and knocks with key on Mrs. Billings' door No. 72.) Faddish, (seeing Mrs. Battersox) Sli I There's one of the ladies — now! Mrs. Billings, (when .Mrs. Battersox AmorA-s- speaks from inside) Coming, mama!" (speaking TOO MUCil JOHNSON 35 ivifh key back into stateroom) You'll come up on deck, soon, won't you, Augustus? BiLLixGS. Yes, in about a week. Mbs. Batterson. Come, Jennie, we won't wait for ]iim. (Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings start tmvard stairway. Faddish steps deferentialty to in- tercept them.) Mrs. Billings. Oh, Tni so glad you found that letter wasn't for him. Mrs. Batterson. Yes, but it shows things are not as they should be on the plantation. 1 am going to make a thorough Faddish, {removing Jiat and hoiriny) 1 beg your ])ardon, ladies. It is allowed — on a voyage, I be- lieve — to speak without the formality of an intro- duction, (Faddish is up r. c., Mrs. Batterson c, and Mrs. Billings l. c.) Mrs. Batterson. Certainly. {nearlii fogetJier) Mrs. Billings. Oh yes. Faddish. Hem — thank you. My name is Fad- dish. I am — one of the Faddishes of Tadousae — Province of Quebec. You mav have heard them — e — spoken of Mrs. Batterson. No. (shaking head) Fm afraid not. (Mrs. Billings also shakes head negatively) Faddish. Quite a well known family Mrs. Batterson. We're hardly acquainted in Canada, sir. We are from Yonk^rs, Faddish. Ah — Yonkers — yes. Is that — e — is that in this country? (Mrs. Batterson is too proud to reply) 36 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. BiLLiXGS. Yes — quite near New York. Faddish. Ah — a very — a very large place New York. I — urn — we and my daughter and myself — liave {as if introducing) This is my daughter. (Leonora rises and makes a partial how. Mack- intosh rises and goes up disgusted. Mrs. Bat- TERSON and Mrs. Billings also bow, slightly mur- muring '' How d'ye do," etc ) We are on our way to Santiago. Mrs. Batterson and Mr^.. Billings. Oh ! Ah ! Mrs. Batterson. In Cuba? You know there are so many Santiagos. Faddish. Yes — Madam — Santiago di Cul)a — lia, ha! Mrs. BiLJ,iN(i8. Why. we're going there too. Mrs. Batterson. Yes. Faddish. So tlie — ah — ])urser told me, indeed that was my excuse for addressing you so abruptly. I thought perliaps you could — e — give us some infor- uiation al)Out tlie place — or Mrs. Battkrson. Oh no I {shakes head) Mrs. Billixgs. No. {shaking head) We've never been there. ^[rs. Batterson. Yes — this is our first visit. Faddish. Ah — I'm sorry, as — e — e — we wanted to inquire — e Mrs. Billix(!S. Yes, but mama, you know Augustus. Mrs. Batterson. Yes, why of course — Mr. Bil- lings — call him. dear. (To Faddish) He's been there a deal. Mrs. Billings, (tvifh some pride) Yes, indeed. He owns one of the largest sugar places there. (Mrs. Billings 170^.5 left toward her stateroom) Faddish. Ah — really — then he can tell me — the — e — very things I want to know. Mrs. Billings. Augustus, come out here a mo- ment, won't vou? (looking into stateroom No. 72) TOO MUCH JOHNSON 37 Billings. No, no, not now. Mrs. Billings. Yes, just a moment. Someone wants to see you. BiLLiXGS. Send him in. Faddish. Ah — this is very kind of you, Mrs. Billings— I Mrs. Battersox. Batterson — Mr. Billings is my son-in-law. Faddish. Ah — excuse me ! I supposed Mrs. Battersox. Yes, certainly. {They converse. Enter Billixgs l. as if just risen. A pillow in one hand. He looks sick. Mack- IXTOSH comes down r. of Leonora.) Billixgs. Who is it? Mrs. Billixgs. A gentleman who spoke to us just now. (Mrs. Billixgs motions toward Faddish — and in a way to ash Billixgs to speak loiv) Billixgs. What ! That old duck ? Mrs. Billixgs. Sh ! Yes — there's something he wants to know. (Mrs. Billixgs leads way across toward c. Billix^gs tosses pilloius hack into room, etc.) Billtx^gs. He looks it ! (aside — as he tosses pillow hack into stateroom) 'Fraid it was that damned Frenchman. (Billixgs follows Mrs. Bil- lixgs towards c.) Mrs. Billixgs. This is the gentleman — Mr. Faddish — did you say? (Faddish assents with '"yes — ha, ha") My husband, Mr. Billings, {sort of partial in traduction ) Billixgs. {nodding pleasantly) How are you (Billixgs does not offer to shake hands. As he .kin;i loom and ha\i' a quiet littk' ,Mi;s. lV\'ii i:i{S()N. \(), no — wu want to hear. .\li;s. r>i I.I.I N(.s. ^\'.<. ^'«ul know we're ^oin;; there too, Hn,M N(.s. ( .' Faddish — ('d,sifi/ ana pleasantly) See liow it is — they're ^i'oin*; too — vou ean talU it all o\er with them, while I — (getting cigar na.. , he u'dutcd to go and smoke. As if to go) ^lus. BiM.iNCs. No, wait, Aui^ustus. (a (/aid- remonstrance ) Mhs. BATTKiisox. Stop, how eouUl we tell him. ^\\■. Billing-s? Mrs. BilijN(;s. lie wants to know al)out Cuba. Billings. He yer — (an (d)hrevialed "Oh yes") That's different — of course. 'PlKui^ht it was Yonkers or something. Faddish. Xo — Cuba, sir, and I shall be a thou- sand times Billings. That's all right, (hands on Faddish's shoulder, comradery has.) Faddish. Now, if you could tell me Billings. Tell you all about it — Charming place — very hot in winter, but the nights are cold, no mosquitoes or malaria, and drives in every direction. Faddish. And is the country very BiLLiN"GS. No — not so much as you'd expect. Though here and there it is. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 39 Faddish. And the general surface, sir — do you find it ? Billings. Oh, we find it that way very, very often. Faddish. Find wliat, sir? Billings. Find it mostly rollin.a", with here and there a place where it doesn't roll so much. Faddish. Dear me ! I heard it was mostly level. Billings. That's just what it is, where it doesn't roll — of course it can't roll all the time — couldn't any of us do that, you know. Faddish. Ha ! Ha I Of course not, no, no — and the sugar crop. Billings. Can't say much for the sugar crop — we lost a few trees from early blight — right on top 0' that tlie potato-bug pame along, and knocked seven- teen different kinds of Mrs. Battehson. ^TTEHSON. "> LLINGS. >• Mrs. Billings. }• Potato bu^ ! I ! Faddish Mrs. Billings. Dear me! Mrs. Batterson. Do you mean to say they have potato-bugs, Mr. Billings. Billings. Have everything. Isn't a thing you could name that doesn't grow in Cuba. Faddish. Dear me — it must be a wonderful country. Billings. Yes (turning up stage as if to end it). You ought to like it down there. Mrs. Batterson. Do you remain in Cuba long? Faddish. Well — hem— -my daughter expects to I'emain there — permanently (significant glance at Leonora) The fact is, she is on her way to the altar, madam. (Mackintosh turns up stage dis- gusted.) Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Ah, in- deed, .(interested at once — nearly together — mur- muring) Eeally, how interesting! 40 TOO MUCH JOHSNON Faddish. Yes, yes, ha !- Mrs. Billings. Do you hear that, Augustus. {f/oinr/ to BiLLixus, who is up stage l. c.) Miss Faddish is to be married in Cuba. Billings. That's too bad. (Mrs. Billings comes down again) Faddish. Yes — ha, lia I it is a betrothal. It was all arran;»ed by my brother. She has never seen her future husband. Mrs. Battekson. What I Mrs. Billings. Not seen him I Faddish. You see, we Canadians liave some of the French customs still left amon^ us. (Billings goes up staircase as if to go off) ^Irs. Billings. {Joohiug si/nipntheticaUy at Lkonoi^v) Dear me! Faddish, {going up in Billings on stairs) One moment if yon could spare it. sir. (bringing Bil- lings fJotrn steps) T thou//>'. Mijs. Battkrsov and Mijs. Bimjxgs, talking In Fai^dish. Ij:()\()1{A. etc, on \i.) (Enter Dathis t/tiickly up i.. in a rery nerrous stale of mind, hndring this woi/ and that, and lioldnig the phid/H/ra pli . efr,, in his hand) HiLl.lX(;s. {me(ds D.vi'Hls up a lillh' in order to ronduci Jiini doirn L. away from otiiers. To Dathts) Ihdio. old man — how are you gettin^]^ on? nATHis. He conceals himself — T have scai-chcd the kitchen — the store-room — the cabins BuJ.TXGs. (frying to get Dathts away) Haven't tried the port scupper, have you? (fakes Dathis^ artn) Just the place he'd be likely to go. Show you where it is. Dathts. (suddenly breaking array) Wait! (trying to get toward ladies) I will first address these ladies BiLTJNGS. (stopping Dathts) Xo — not just now — they're busy ! TOO MUCH JOHNSON 43 Dathis. {crot;sing in front of Billings and speaking to ladies) I care nothing for such things I Madam! (Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings turn to Dathis) Billings, (pulling Dathis round easily) Did yon hear what 1 said — they's busy. Dathis. What is that to nie— (hrealung away and turning again to ladies) Ladies I — pardon me — I search for a villain on this sheep, {producing photo) Here's a picture of his face ! ! Billings, (coming suddenly betiveen and seiz- ing Dathis hy wrist) Say, look here! (holding Dathis. All looking in surprise) You cant show that picture to my wife. It's indecent, (all aston- ished) Mrs. Batterson. Is the man crazy? Billings, (holding Bathjs hack. Dathis strug- gles to free himself) Call the doctor or someone! I can't hang onto him all day. Mrs. Batterson, Mrs. Billings, Leonora, Fad- dish (alarmed and starting to go R. and L. and up staircase) Oh! Quick! Yes, yes! Run! He's crazy! (etc.) Dathis. (breaking away from IBillings and crossing guickly to extreme R. and turning to others up stage) It is a lie. I seek a scoundrel by the name of Johnson ! Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (all char- acters turn and look at Dathis) Johnson! Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh, (stopping R. and up) Johnson ! Dathis. Johnson — who has the sugar ])lantation in Santiasro. Mrs. Batterson. It's his overseer! (pointing to Billings) Dathis. (pointing to Billings, who is down over Tj.) You know this man ? Mrs. Batterson. AVliy he's on his place! 44 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Billings. Yes, yes! {nearlif tof/cther) Datiiis. {to audience n.) At last 1 shall coin(> face to face with this cowardly scoundrel. Faddish, (ireinulou^ excitement. Coming down to Datius) What are you ooiiitan(l there 'okling 'em. {gelling at them) You block'eads — put 'em down, can't ye? {they put them down and step on one side watching Frederick decorate scene — in fact all through the scene negroes let Fhedeuick do all the work and stand watching him irhilc he bustles about, and the only time they more cjuicl-ly is in the presence of JoHXSOX. Taling nn the bunch of bananas and hanging it on hool' or nail betrveen two small doors R. c.) And he's expecting the girl he's going to marry on the steamer to-day, that's why he's so furious about having it done, {coming down and getting TOO MUCH JOHNSON 49 other bunch of hananas, ivhich he hangs on scene between lower smaller door and opening R. 1 E.) Well I only 'ope after the wedding's over and 'e's all comfortable married and settled down like, it'll improve his temper I At any rate he might take it out of 'er instead o' me! (going over c. and selecting branch of fruit and one branch of foliage, and getting ever Ji. with them as if to hang them on scene"} I 'ope she makes a more genteeler mistress than 'e makes a genteel master ! A pretty 'ard man that Mr. Johnson, I can tell ye ! It was very differ- ent when Mr. Loundsberry was 'ere I 'E was always good tempered, he was ! {Standing over r. During scene one negro has brought tabh from ivhere Fredfrick has been standing on it and placed it bettveen ihc cJiairs L. ( bJnter Johnson from window, negroes and Fred- erick have their backs turned and don't see Johnson enter. Johnson standi looking at them, all a minute then cracks big raivhide whip that he carries to indicate for negroes to clear out; as he cracks whip some go off R. and others L. — some sneak off quietly, others hurry. John- son goes over to dresser c. and pours out drink of brandy and drinks. Frederick stands trem- bling over R. and after Johnson has drunk speaks very meekly, touching his hat to him — Frederick is only noisy to negroes ; to everyone else very humble and respectful; of Johnson he is at all times mortally afraid. Frederick, (after Johnson drinks) I beg par- don — did yon speak, sir? Johnson, (gruff, hoarse tone) Go on! (putting bottle and alass down. Frederick sta^ids looking at him. Louder) Go on ! Frederick, (goes quickly up to lower small door. 50 TOO MUCH JOHNSON and stands on stool ncarhy and starts hanging branch of fruit orer door) Yes, sir! Joiixsox. {cmninq to Frederick at door) \)im\ stick tluse things there! Flowers want to o-o over doors. Don't vou know aiivlhin^r! Voiril he han^- incr the place with cahbages next ! Frkdehick. Wen ^\y. Founsherrv was Vi(\ sir. 'o used to Joiixsox. Shut up! (//tiusr. Fim-dkimck sfojis at oner) \\\\v]\ I want to liear how Lonnsherrv did it, ril let you know, (after glare at FhkdkhiVk a nionicnt he tarns and calls Id negroes. Fkkdkkick gets doirn from stool mid starts dotrn \i. to hanes! Did you evei ! Mrs. Billings. Yes — but what harm is there? Mrs. Batterson. (interrupting) Haiin! I won't have such things about the house ! Not while Tm here! (seizes two or three clays which are in the pipe-rack and breaks them, throwing them on floor — then takes pipe-rack off wall preparatory to throwing it clown) Mrs. Billings. I'm afraid he'll be very angi-y, mama ! Mrs. Batterson. (pauses in act of throwing down jnpe-7'ack) Who — that overseer ! (Mrs. Batterson throws jyipe-rack on floor above table L. Enter Bil- lings at r. 1 E., cigar in hand) Billings. What broke? Mrs. Batterson. (turning to Billings) To- bacco pipes broke ! Your man had the wall perfectly covered with them. You know my feelings about such things. Cigars are bad enough! Billings, (aside) This'll orive Billy a couple of fits. (Billings goes near to Mrs. Billings) Mrs. Batterson. (going toward door of room up R. nearest c.) Now I'll look at our rooms. Billings, (to Jennie, dotvn r. c.) Say — don't let her go on like this — s — she'll wreck the whole place. (Mrs. Batterson opens door of room r. c, and goes in) Mrs. Billings, (to Billings) Yes, but what can we do? Billings. I do' know — Ask her where she thinks she is. (Billings goes l. and up to dresser, puts his hat down there) Mrs. Billings. Yes, but what good will that do? Billings. Well, just ask her, for a flyer, (goes up c.) tJO TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battersox. {coming out of room up R. c.) Why, 1 never saw such a place in all my life ! Noth- ing on the floor — no chairs — no towels — beds as hard as rocks! (Mrs. Battersox glares at Billixgs, up c, as if for som^e explanation) BiLLiXGS. (quietly) That's the way it is down in Cuba, (going down and sitting on table) Mrs. Battersox. Well, I don't care how it is in Cuba, (going over to lounge and seizing robe off same and skin off wall nearby) We're going to have a place to sleep, (goes over to Billixgs at table l.. II nd shal'es skin in his face) Come and help me, dear I (giving robe and skin to Mrs. Billixgs, who is R. of her. She turns then from Mrs. Billixgs (uid goes up and grabs rocking chair from window and skin on irall nearby — and drags them over to door up R. c.) \^'e'll try to make the place habitable at least. (Mrs. Billixgs has taken robe into room u. V. and stands by door up R. c.) Just look in th(M-eI (Mrs. Billixgs looks into rooms) Billings, (takes a puff or two at cigar watching liiis.) Say, — hold on a minute. ^[RS. Billixgs. Mercy I Mrs. Battei{sox. Did you ever see anything like it I (Mi{s. Ba'i'tersox comes doicn and pulls table cover off table and fro in under BiLLlXGS, who is seated there — on word " man ") But what could you expect when there's nobody but a man to look after things? (goes np again) This will go on over the mattress. We'd both better stay in here, (indi- cating room up R. c.) Come and help me fix up the bed. (Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs exit together — dragging things, etc., in room up R. C.) Billings, (seated on table — as ladies exit) Say! Hadn't you better leave us a rug or something? Say I You forgot to take the floor ! When Billy gets back he won't recognize the place ! TOO MUCH JOHNSON CI (going toward room ladies Itave gone into) Say, look here r( Billings shuts door of ladies' room tvhen Frederick enters) (Enter Frederick hurriedly from r. 1 e. — out of i; breath from riding ; he runs across to extreme L,, then turns and comes up to Billings c.) Frederick. It's alright, sir; I caught up on him, sir — he didn't get there! I came on him just down the road a bit. Most fortunate thins^ — his saddle- strap broke — ^and pitched 'im clean off 'is 'orse. Billings. Don't say! Frederick. Yes, sir, and he told me to tell you he was coming right along. Billings, (glances at door ladies ivent through) All ]i;j:ht — guess I'll go out and meet him — old friend, you know. Frederick. Yery well, sir. Billings. Ladies in there. Look out for 'em, will you? I'll make it all right with you. (Billings starts down towards door r. 1 e. Puts cigar in mouth) Frederick. Yes, sir; certainly, sir. (Frederick following Billings down) When Mr. Johnson 'eard you'd got here, sir, he was quite put out. Billings. (Billings, who had started to go r. 1 E., stops and turns to Frederick, on his mentioning the name of Johnson — coolly takes cigar out of mouth and looks at Frederick) Who? (pause. Frederick and Billings stare at one another a moment) Frederick. Mr. Johnson, sir. (They again re- gard each other unth interest.) Billings, (coming to Frederick) See here! You have been telling Johnson about this? Frederick. Yes sir — wasn't that (hreak) Billings, (leaving Frederick again) What you 62 TOO MUCH JOHNSON , want to tell him for? 1 don't see. {puts cigar in mouth) Fredehjck. Was you — was you him, sir? BiLLiN(Js. {turns again and looks at Fkedkkick) Surprise who? FiiEDKHicK. Mr. Johnson, sir. BiLLiNtis. {removes cigar) Say — who is Jolinson, anyway? FuKDKnicK. He — he's the owner, sir. HiLLlNcs. {((joks at Frkdkkick fl moment) Owiu'r of what ? Frkdkhk K. 'I'he 'ole phice, sir. I'm his man. {slight pause. I>ii. linos calmly regarding 1''i{K1)- KUICK) BiLLiX(j8. Where am I ? Frkdeuick. You're 'ere. sir! BiELlN'(;s. Where's Hilly I»unsberry? FREDEurt'K. {going to Billixgs) Mr. Louns- l)erry, sir? Oh, he was 'ere but he sold out to Mr. Johnson and went hack to X'Orleans. (Billixgs looks steadilji at Frederick a moment. Then tosses cigar away, may take a final puff at it first, and goes up to door up R. He knocki> at door with vigor. Frp:derick goes over t/nick-ly over l., regarding Billixgs with wonder) Billixgs. {speaking against the door) Come out, (|uiok! {goes (juickly down In Frederick, getting money out. To Fredehick — giving money) Go and liitcli up a teai!K We've trot to strike a doctor. Frederick. Doctor, sir! Is anybody Billixgs. Anybody ! Didn't you hear her scream just now? Frederick. Xo, sir! Billixgs. If I don't get her there in tw^enty minutes she'll have another spasm. And then an- other and another, {hurries Frederick up and off at window) TOO MUCH JOHNSON ^3 Frederick, (as he goes off at windoiv) Yes, sir! As soon as ever I can. Billings, (as Frederick goes off) That's right ! Hurry now! Don't stop for anything. (Enter Mrs. Billings from room up r. c. followed hy Mrs. Batterson.) Mrs. Billings. What is the matter? Billings, (standing holding on to chair r. of tuMe L., swaying to and fro and feigning symptoms of yelloiv fever. Speaking in holloiv, i^attling voice) Get your things. — get yonr things ! Get yonr things ! Mrs. Billings. Mercy — Wiat is it? Billings. Don't: — ask! (with furtive gesture as if hand fell) Have to go quick!! Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Oo! What do you mean? Why! What is it? {each speaks only a part of speech. Pause. Billings sways.) You are ill, Augustus! What is it? Billings. Fever ! Ladies. (Billings stands stiffly, rigidly. Sways a little) Ah ! Billings. Swamp ! Full of deadly microbes. Had a touch last time. Feel it coming now. Second time fatal ! (stands as if dizzy — sways — holds on to chair) Mrs. Batterson. Fever! Mrs. Billings, (standing a little away from Billings in sudden alarm) Oh, Augustus, you don't mean — yelloiv Billings. Xo, some other color — Just as bad Mrs. Batterson. Why, he looks perfectly well! Mrs. Billings. Yes — you do, Augustus! Billings. That's the way it is — look well, but turn black afterwards. (Goes with difficulty down and sits first on chair r. of table, then on table, then on chair l. of r»4 TOO MUCH JOHNSON I able — moving from each as if in great pain — and finally sits on table) ^[h's. Btllixgs. {going (/uiH'ly to Billings — I urns anximishf to Mks. Batthhsox, who is r. c. ) Oh. mania! He is il] I Mi{s. Battf-ksdx. It's all iiiiaoinatioii. {goinq l(/> c.) AIus. HiLLixcs. Oh. 1 hope so! Doifi you think it's imagination. Augustus ? Billings. {drcawihj) Yes — imagination— (murmurs) Let me throw it off — (Billixgs leaves (able and goes feebly over with Mrs. Billixgs — they iralk up and down c. Billixgs finally collapses c. .Mi{s. BiLLiX(;s catcJtes hint on n. Mus. Battkrsox rushes doirn in titne to support him) Tlirow it oft'I {collapses V. ) Mks. BlLLlN(;s. Oh! {. ^'('s, of course. (41a(l yon look at it lliat way. .loiiNsox. ("nrsed luck — missed getting down to meet yow — when I've lucn countinu- oji tliat steamer Tor six montlis. Hir.i.i.\(;s. Six mdiiths, cli? Well, you got about nineteen weeks ahead of me! JoiixsoN". What (N) you iiicaii!-' {slight pause. Hn. iJX(;s (UkI .Ioiinsox h>nl.-iug tit ouc another) Dam nation. Ffn/dish, wasn't it all lixcd u|) hist .lan- iiaiy that you'd hi ing her (h»wn the lii'st <»t' dune? lill.i.l NO'S. Of coui'sc. ohl hoy. (aside) (ireaf Scott ! ! lhi< is Kachlish's dohnsim. doiixsoN. V(>s. sir-ce. I've hcn-n counting on that steauK r for six months. In there, ain't slie? {urging liiu.iNcs toward door up u. c. ) BiLLixos. Say — h)ok here Jofixsox. Haw! haw! haw! (tri/ing to get to- ward doors up \i.) Come! I.cnime see lier. l^n.LiX(;s. llohlona minute. {\^iiAA:<(is prevents hnn from passiug. and theg t)oth get orer al)ove table: L. near ptpe-rack on door) See here, ohl man, there's a. little mistake ahout this. My name isn't (Joiixsox sudden! If nnlit-cs tin- irrcckage of his pipes on the floor) doiTXSOX. {i/ell of rage) I^iLLiXGS. — my name isn't Joiixsox. {points at debris. (jaspin(/ with ra(/e.) \Mio did that? Who did it? BiLLix'^GS. Sorry and all that — hut when she sees pipes they simply give her fits — and Johnson. She! Fits! I {tln'nl-s — begins to soften down) Oh — e — she Billings, {nods) That's the idea, Judas 00 MUCH JOHNSTON 67 Tscariot ! 1 can't tell him now — he'd wipe up the floor with me. (Billings moves up near door up II., as if to keep ladies from hearing) Johnson. Vghl {controls himself — pnlls at his collar) If pile did it — let it go ! Billings. Yes — nothing else to do, is there? Johnson. Ugh! (starting toward door up e. c.) Xow I'll see her, if you please ! Billings, (hringing Johnson down l. again) Say — hold on — fact is the ladies are dressing — and — Johnson. Ladies! How many have you got in there ? BiLLiX(;s. Only got two. Johnson. Two! Who's the other one? Billings. My wife, of course — and Johnson, {loud bellow) Wife! What the (Billings regards Johnson watchfully) Your brother told me you was a widower ! I was guaran- teed — by Cain-^that her mother was dead and buried. Billings. Who guaranteed that? JoLiNsoN. Your brother. Billings. Well, you'd better see him about that! Johnson. Well, {crossing over r.) I won't have that girl's mother about the place. What you've got to do is to git 'er away from here. Billings, {entering right into it with sympathy) Of course! I'd feel just that way myself. Y^our man out there's hitching up a rig just for that pur- pose. You keep quiet, now, old man. I'm right with you in airthis ! {enter Mrs. Batterson door up R. Billings sees her out of corner of his eye.. QuicMy getting Johnson over to down l.) Yes, of course — {taking Johnson toivard left) I know my pulse is bad, but that's the way it was before. (John- son stops at left, and stands looking at Mrs. Bat- TERSON, Billings unable to move him further) Johnson, (seeing Mrs. Batterson) There's GS TOO MUCH JOHNSON your wife. Where's the girl? (Mrs. Billings enters from same room. Seeing her) There she is! There she is ! {gradual change in Johnson's face. His dull, ugly look gives place to a pleaded expression, going into a rapid grin) I'll just {starting as if to cross to Mks. Billings) Billings, {stopping hivi (ilmost before he starts) Xo — no — wouldn't do at all — she's so tiuiid. ( XoTi:. — Ladies Jiare stopped an instant, standing looking at Bn. lings and Jonxsox) Mrs. Billix(;s. {coming down to Billings l. c.) Oh, you're hetter, Auillings a.^ if to ignore Johnson altogether) Is your trunk T eady ? Mrs. Billtngs. Yes, mama — all hut shutting it. Mrs. Batterson. Well go and shut it. (Mrs. Billings starts — goes up) Johnson. See here now, you ain't Mrs. Batterson. Silence, sir! (Mrs. Billings fakes corner to l., — stops and looks aronnd on this passage, but starts again toward door — sees little saclcs of coffee on dresser up c.) Mrs. BillinGhS.. {stopping and looking at sacks} TOO MUCH JOHNSON 73 ()h_^vhat's this! See mama I {holds up two of the littJe bags) A whole lot of little bags! Mrs. Batterson. {turning to Mrs. Billings from R. c, JoiTXSOX is L. c.) Yes, quite pretty. Mrs. Billings, {down l. c.) What do you sup- l)ose they are? {bringing them down to Mrs. Batterson ) Johnson, {stepping forward) That's coffee, ^fa^^lll — very choice — {the ladies listen tvithout turn- ing to Johnson, a little mollified hy his manner of s pealing) Out of a five hundred acre crop, we get only a dozen little sacks like that! (Mrs. Billings smells of it) Mrs. Billixgs. Oh! {rapturously) Isn t it per- fectly delicious! Just smell of it, mama! (Mrs. Batterson tal-es it — about to smell) Johnson, {roughly good-natured, softened by ap- precialion ladies show of his coffee) Yes, go on and smell! You never st.ruck a brand— (Mrs. Batterson pauses in act of raising sack to her nose and gires Johnson a look— Tie stops, she then smells of the coffee leisurely) Mw^. Batterson. Quite remarkable! Johnson. Every berry selected, ma'am! Money couldii't buy coffee like that! ^Trs. Batterson. {paying no attention to John- son) We will take some of this home with us. Mrs. Billings. Oh yes. {going up) {they go up hurriedly begin to gather up the bags. Johnson stands dumbfounded. Mrs. Billings sta/rfs toward door up R. with sacl's of coffee). (Mrs. Billings tal-es coffee into room R. c.) ^ifRS. Batterson. We can take them all, I thmk —there's room in the tray in my bonnet-box. Johnson, {stepping forward) See here ! That coffee 7 J. . T Mrs. Batterson. {turning and facing Johnson, spcal-s' with sererity, with two of the bags in her 74 TOO MUCH JOHNSON haiid) That will do, sir. (JoiixXsox .s7,o/m) When we Wiuil furtlitT iiit'ormation about this coffee, we will l(t you know. (Joiixsox ak-es ^taae \.. Alits. i>iLi.i.\(8 has .slojjpcd ill (loonray when Johnson ■s/;o/.v (uuJ looked (ironud. Sow goes off at door up if. ('.. leaves coffee sacks ami im iiwdialelii returns i > .Mi{8. Battehson irho is still fadmj Johnson) will \^ii you know. (Johnson takes sta(/e i.. Miis. i>ii.jJN(.s tali-es sai /i-s from Mrs. Hatti;i;son ir/m Ireeps her stern (jaze^ on Johnson) Mus. Batterson. {to Mi;s. BiLEiN(is while still looln'n;/ at Johnson) Put tiie^e in my bonnet box. {lookinf/ at Johnson. Mrs. Batterson now lets up on Johnson ) ffoHNSON. (ic((>reriin/ himself and InealritKj out savagely) {going to her) Say that e-otfee belono-s hole. Mrs. Battki{so\. What businc^ss i< it ol' yours, sir! (Mrs. Bn.i.iNcs /7'-r///r/'.s) JoiLNsoN. Business: P)usinessl {clndnng with rage, but natural I g. Sot overdone) Mrs. Batterson. ^'(s. tmsiness! j\Mlia|)s you don't know who we aic. Johnson. T don't care who ycui arc! I'll show y(ui whether ^[rs. Bileincs. {(oming forward illiX(;s. {after a short pause) Which — which do you tiiink will — will he Frederick, {qaichly, turning to her) Now don't you he alarmed, miss! You ain't agoin' to lose 'im I (Mrs. BiLLixciS simply lool-s at Frederick in astonishment) Mrs. Battersox'. {after a short pause of sur- imse) To whom do you refer? Frederick. ^Ir. Johnson, mum. Oh, 'e can take care of 'imself. She ain't no cause to feel oneasy. Mrs. Batterson. {cold firmness) I should re- gret to have either of the gentlemen injured, but if one of them must necessarily suffer, 1 should cerainly prefer it to be Mr. Johnson. | Frederick, {after hlanhly surprised look goes off to Mrs. Batterson at table) Then — then I sup- pose, mum, you'd like to break it off. Mrs. Battersox. Break what off? Frederick. The marriage, mum. Mrs. Battersox, Oh — as for that — it hardly con- TOO MUCH JOHNSON 91 cerns nie — but of course the poor girl would never be l^nn^y with i^ucli a inan — never. Fkedekick. ^E is pretty 'ard, mum, an' I know it — tliere's few as knows it better — indeed I — I was — a — iliinkin' of telliiig you so — but it would 'ardly do for me. ]\iL\s. Batterson. Why there's no reason why you siioiild say anything to us about it — you ought to speak to the oirl herself. Fiii:n[<:RTCK. (pause) Yes, mum; if you say so, mum. (goes over to Mrs. Billings. Pause) Really, miss, I didn't quite know as how it was my pirco to speak to you about this! Mrs. Billtxgs. About what? Frederick. About Mr. Johnson, being such a 'ard man, miss. ^Irs. Billixgs. Anyone can see that! no neces- sity for you mentioning it to me ! Frederick, {somewhat teivildered) Yes, miss. {noes G. and addresses Mrs. Batterson) I suppose I'm extraordinary selfish — for I'd 'ate to 'ave Mr. Johnson knocked under as it ud throw me out of a ])]ace. That's pretty mean, I know — but we must all look out for ourselves, mum. i\Irs. Billings, (sympathizingly) Why yes — that would be too bad. Mrs. Batterson. (good-hearted) We like you, Frederick — you seem honest and faithful — and I'll say this much, that if anything happens to Mr. John- son, we'll keep you right on here just the same. (Frederick looks at Mrs. Batterson hlankly) Frederick, (as if not knowing what he said) Th — thank you, mum. I — I'll just go an' see 'ow those new people is doin' (goes toward opening L. 1 e. in a dazed manner as if doubting whether the ladies were sane. No comicalities in this, however; make it perfectly serious and natural) Mrs. Batterson. Frederick, (rising and going c. Frederick stops and turns) 92 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Frederick. Yes'm. Mrs. Batterson. Do you know where our slio^s were put? Frederick. Yes, mum, cert'n'ly. {turns and speaks off L. 1 e.) 'Ere, I soay— ain't the ladies' shoes done yet? Faddisii."^ (outside l.) Yes — yes. Frederick. Well, bring 'em 'ere, you bloke, (to Mrs. Batterson) 'E'll 'ave 'em for you in just a moment, mum. Everything's so upset with ail this fighting an' Mrs. Batterson. Oh— it's quite excusable. Mrs. Billincs. Yes — quite. (Enter old Mr. Faddish hurriedly l. with ladies' ivhite shoes — blacking brush, etc. He enters, not expecting to see the ladies here. Frederick goes up and looks off at window) Faddish, (as he enters) I'm sure I can't remem- ber which — oh — ^good morning. (TABLEAU. Faddish in shirt-sleeves, standing with shoes, hru^h, etc. Ladies are astonished) Mrs. Batterson. Is it ix>ssible — that you- Faddisti. Yes — dear me — it's most annoying, isn't it ? Mrs. Billings. Why, I never heard of such a thing. Mrs. Batterson. (indignation rising) It's out- rageous. . (Enter Leonora with broom and du^stpan) Leonora. I don't know where to (seeing Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Frederick comes doilDn L.) Oh! (stops embarrassed. Mrs. Batterson and Mfts. Billings look at Leonora in TOO MUCH JOHNSON c^o, amazement. Enter Mackintosh ivith towels, etc., and a large pan or pot which he has been wiping) Mackintosh, (to Leonora) Here it is, my darlirg, in the — — (stops on seeing hfdies and stands) ^Iks. Batteeson. (tuTfiing angrily on Fredkkick ivho has come l. of MackintosiH What does this mean? Frederick, (alarmed) What mean, mum? Mrs. Batterson. Making them do such things as this. Fr] derick. I — I was ordered to, mum. Mrs. Batterson. Ordered to! Ordered — (over- come with anger) — e — Do you know who owns thi- place ? Frederick. Yes, mum. It was him as told me to do it. Mrs. Batterson and IMks. Billings. What! (Mrs. Batterson looks at Mrs. Billings) Mrs. Billings. My husband — told von. (com- ing c.) Frederick. Well — yes, mum — I spose you could call him that, it's so near. Mrs. Billings. W1iat! Augustus. Mrs. Batterson. Oh, it's very likely. Mrs. Billings, (to Frederick, sternly) Did Mr. Billings order you to do this? Frederick. Mr. Billings, mum. Mrs. Billings. (almost violently) Yes, Mr. Billings. Frederick. No, mum. (shaking head) All. Ah! Frederick. It was Mr. Johnson, mum. Mrs. Billings. Of course it was. (they all group together c. iallcing ad lib. till Mrs, Billings' next line. Frederick goes over bach of them and looTcs off n. 1 E.) I knew there was some mistake. Augustus would never do such a thing, (they break 94 TOO lAIUCH JOHNSON II ]i group and fall back to old positions in a line. Mackintosh, Leonora, Faddish, Mrs. Batterson, Mrs. BiLLiNds) Leonora. ] do hope the French gentleman will ki'! that dreadt'iil man — even if he is your overseer. Mrs. Battkrson. We liope so too. Leoxoka. Oh, do 3'ou? Mrs. Billix(;s. Oh dear — it seems so dreadful to liMve anybody killed. Frederick, (who is lookin,(i off r. 1 e. without tiirnin;/ round, signals with left hand to others to he (/iiief) Sh ! Sh ! (all turn heads together and loolc off L. 1 K.) FifEDKincK. {turning to them) I think I see somotliing, iiuim. [turns head quicMy and looJcs off R. 1 E. again. Others all turn heads quicl'lg and tool' toward.^ Fi{i:ni;incK. Pause. Frederick turns to til em again) Can T look out of your window, mum? MiiS. BAT'i'Kitsox. Yes, yes, go right in. (Fred- i:rick turns up into room up R. C. Mrs. Batterson follows up Inward door. ^Trs. Billings timidly follows at a iiifle distance) Mrs. Billinos. Mama. (Mrs. Batterson turns) Are you — goino^ to look at them? Mrs. B a'I'thhsox. There's no need of our looking <»ut — it wc don't want to — (EXIT into room up R. c. Ma.'^-kixtosh has gone up to window to looh off) Mrs. Billings. Yes — but — (hesitates — looJcs 'iround room) Mama! I don't think I want to! (EXIT into room up R. C.) Faddish, (to Leonora) Wait here! I will see wliieh is — (hesitates a moment) r.KOX^ORA. Yes — go and see. Faddish. Yes, yes. (EXIT L. Slight pause) T^EONORA. (stands absently tenth broom — dust-pan, etc. her eyes on vacancy. Mackintosh with dish- u-ash bus. — after a few seconds^ goes towards her) Mackintosh. Darling ! TOO MUCH JOHNSON 95 Leoxoija. Oh, Harr}^ — {hurying her -face on his bosom) (Raising her face) Harry, I can't have you stay here doing these menial things — 1 can't bear to ree you so humiliated, "i'ou must go. I ask you to, Harry, I ask it. ]\fACKiNTOSH. (striking picture with dish-pan and cloth, which he has in his hand all the time) I am going to stay with you to the very end. Leonoua. Oh, Hariy. (laugh, head on his bosom again) Mackixtosm. We mustn't give up hope! Leoxoili. (looking up) There can't be any hope. It's the other one that's killed. I feel it. (Fred- erick rushes on from door up R. c. Leonora and Mackintosh turn to him) Frederick. They're coming back! Leoxora and Mackintosh. Who! Frederick, (rushing across) Mr. Johnson and all of them. (EXIT l. 1 e.) Leonora, (after Frederick has gone off) Oh, there's no hope ! Yesterday he sent word to a Notary to come here early this morning. Papa heard him. Mackintosh. "^This morning! Leonora. Yes, Mackintosh. I'll fight the fellow ! That's what I'll do! Leonora. Oh, it would be suicide ! He'd kill you you, Harry, he would! Mackixtosh. Let him do it ! That's better than to be alive and know that you are here — ^with him! Leoxora. Oh no, Harry, it would be simply murder ! Mackixtosh. Not if he fights fair, and I'll see that he does ! He won't pay any attention to what I say. I'll write it ! (Leonora stands bach in despair) I'll write him a challenge, (throws down dust-pan and cloth and looks about) Here's some ink ! (brings ink down to table) If I can only find some paper. 96 TOO MUCH JOHNSON V\'1k'1(.' f1o they keep it, {looking on shelves of dresser up (\) Do you see anythino- I can W7ite on? Leonora, (both at dresser up c. Leonora r. and ^fA(^Kl,\TG8]t L.) ()h no! llon-t do it, Harry, don't don't. {cUnqs to him, Leonora puts dust-pan and In'ush down on dresser) ■ Mackixtosm. (pushing her aside) Vm going to — you needn't try to stop me! He thinks because I am t'loni Canada he can treat me as a dog! He'll find tliat 'dog? From Canada' have teeth! If I had liiin on a football field with my double grip around that bull-neck of his — I'd twist the life out of him! He wouldn't be anywhere! (going up again to dressfr) Leonoka. Oh, but he'll have a knife or a pistol. Mackintosh. I don't care what he has! Here, I must have (Something to write on. (rips off cuff') 'rhi< will do! He'll know I mean business when he x'ls this, (goes to table and writes, Leonor-\ follows orcr (I little and stands \\. of him) (Seated r. of table) (Writing on cuff) '^ Joseph Johnson Esq. . . Hereby chalhiiore you . . . fight to a finish . .'' Leonora. Oh ! MACKiNTOsir. '' Satisfaction of a gentleman . . . whatever weapon you please to name . . . arrange details. . with the gentleman who " (stops suddenly) Who can T iret? I must have some friend! (turns to Leonora) Can't you think of someone? Leonora. Mr. ... FiEONORA and Mackintosh, (together) Billings Mackintosh. He'll act for me! I'm sure of it! {hast ill/ finishes letter) There! He's got to pay some attention to that! Tf he doesn't I'll brand him as a coward! (rises) Leonora. Oh, don't you brand him, Harry! Let Mr. Billings do that too! Mackintosh. I'm the one to do it Not Billings t Leonoija. (getting hold of cuff) I'm not going to let vou do this! TOO MUCH JOHNSON 97 Mackixtosii. It's too late now! Leonora, (trying to get cuff aivay from him) No ! It's not too late. Mackintosh. Don't you interfere ! Leonora. Yon shan't do this until we've tried everything else. Mac1vI?^tosh. There's nothing else to try! Leonora. Yes, there is — perhaps Mr. Billings can help us some other way. Mackintosh. What can he do? Leonora. Oh, I don't know — but this Johnson is ] lis overseer— and he has such influence. Oh, I'm sure he could do something! Promise to see him fiygt — We'll ask him — we'll tell him how it is, — if i]iat fails tlien you may send the challenge. Promise me this, Harry! Promise! {dinginq to him) Mackintosh. Well — I'll see him — ^but after that- • Leonora. After that if there's no other way, you can send it! Mackintosh, (emphatically) There is no other way. Mrs. Billings, (entering quickly from door up ]{. c. and speaking) They're coming back! Mrs. Batterson. (following Mrs. Billings on) And Mr. Johnson isn't with them! (when ladies enter Leonora and Mackintosh turn and see them (juickly then get over to L. c. and luatch scene anxiously) Leonora and Mackintosh, (with sudden hope at hearing Johnson is not with ^ them) Oh! (Leonora and Mackintosh instinctively take each other's hands ivithout knowing it or looking at one another) Mrs. Billings. But Augustus, Mama. Where can he be? I'm afraid something has happened to him. All. Wby did he want to act as second to that 98 TOO MUCH JOHNSON dreadful man? {under breaths) Oh — no — no, ENTER Dathis, window up left, excitedly, in shirt-sleeve.^ and. with foil in hand. He starts across stage as he enters as if to go to his room R. Stops up c. when Mrs. Batterson addresses him.) Mks. 1) atti:hsox. ^Ir. Dathis. (Dathis stops up ('. and turns. MpxS. Billings r. of him a little dotvn stage. Mrs. Batterson l. of him. Mackintosh and Lkonok'a l.) Tell us — what Dathis. (m a violent temper — turns to ladies) [ have been rfeceivcd ! All was ready ! I win ze toss for choice of arms — I choose ze sword — Ze rapiers were raised so — (gets into position for duel) The word to come! En ^^rarde. monsieur! (strih-es atti- tude of fight) Your husband — (to Mrs. Billings as thougli it were her fault) called to desist — He woidd see ze photo<>raph. We look. Zis man John- son was not ze same. But he said it was nossing. He would be ze same. I said ver well — eef you wish. En garde, nu)nsieur. Your husband, (to Mrs. Billings again. She hacks aivay each time as he points sword at her) zen ask zis man when he was in New York ze last time. He said not at all — at any time! Zhen your husband said it could not be ze man. But zis man Johnson is a liar — yes — foi- he zen would make eet out zat he was in New York at whatevair time we please to say. But zhe doctor said no he was here at zhat time — zhe fight could not go on. Very well ! It seems I have come to zhis place for nossing. (starts toward opening at r. 1 e. and exits) Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (following DATiris off and expostulating ad. lib.) But — Mr. Dathis. Why, how could we know, etc. etc. Dathis. (outside. Leonora and Mackintosh TOO MUCH JOHNSON 99 stand silent lool'inq after Datiiis and Mks. Battek- soN and Mrs. Billings. Enter Frederick saddenhj at L. 1 E.) Frlderick. Here, I say he's right here, {running over to r. as he enters and speaks) Leonora and Mackintosh. Who? Frederick. Get to work 'e'll go on awful ! (Mackintosh hastens to opening l. Leonora runs up to dresser and gets dustpan and brush luhich she has left there during previous scene ivitli Mackintosh. Then hastily joins Mackintosh at opening l. 1 e. Frederick follows her over trying to urge them off.) Leonora, {as she goes over to l.) Isn't it a per- fect shame! Mackintosh. I won't stand it ! Leonora, {just as they go out) No, no, Henry! You'll only make it worse! (EXIT Leonora and Mackintosh l.) Frederick, (as ho goes off after them) Come! 'Urry now! 'E's right 'ere! (EXIT l. Short pause. Sound of heavy steps on veranda up l. c.) (ENTER Johnson at window up l. c. stalking noisily on, in a blind sort of rage. ENTER Billings, following closely after Johnson up L. c. He goes at once to packing case by dresser up c. and hops easily up sitting on it, pushes hat back as if to get more air, and sits keeping an eye on Johnson^ who paces savagely and blindly about the room. Johnson strides about, fum- ing, blaspheming to himself — half aloud, but not so that it will be distinctly heard) (Bil- lings bus. of getting cigar ready to light) (Johnson now breaks forth audibly) Johnson. So! I ain't the man it seems ! {over 100 TOO MUCH JOHNSON R. c.) (Looks angrily at Billings, ivJio hites end of cigar) You heard him say that ! EiLLiXGs. Tliat's right! That's what he said. Johnson. He looks at a photograph (which he ialxcs out of his pocket, the same top half Datiiis uses) and finds I'm not th(^ man! Why didn't lie look at it bcfoie? BiLLiNcs. Give it \\\)\ Johnson. I'll tell yon this! Somebody's been playing me a low down blackguardly trick. BiLLiNc s. Sure. JoUNSON. (violently) Passing himself off as me — that's what lie's been doing! And I'll — n^]XTEIv Dat! IS K. followed hy ^lus. Batterson ond Mrs. Bfluncs still tryinq to calm him) Dai HIS. I ])iefer not to talk about it. (accent on the pre. Mrs. Battkrson and Mrs. Billings pause in the doonrny, lo(dnng anxiously at Datiiis and Johnson. Dathis sees Johnson and walks directly foinird^ him. lloth men stand and glare at each olher, down L.) AIrs. Billings. Oh! Are they going to fight? BiLLiX(;!s. (enjoying cigar) Looks like it. ^li;s. F>iLLiN'(!s. Oh dear! I don't want to see it! r)iLLiN{;s. You haven't got to stay! Mrs. Batti-:i!Son. Oh dear! Dreadfiil. Mrs. Billings. Come, mamma. Mrs. Batterson. Yes, yes! (Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings hurry into their own room up K. C.) Datiiis. Zhe photograph — which was not you. You will now be so good to return eet to me? Johnson. "Will I? Dathis. Zthat ees mine ! (crossing excitedly over to R. c. and both speaking up to Billings on packing case) You took it from me — you hand eet to hem — he now keeps it. Jghnson. Do you wami to fight^me for it? TOO MUCH JOHNSON KH Dathis. (angrily — hissed ovt hettveen his teeth) Eef YOU should be zthe man who betray me I v-would fight— whatever you should be ! But for uossing else v-woukl I stoop so low to iight wisih zthe overseer of a plantation. JoHxsoN. (loiu savage tone) What's that? Dathis. An' eef zthis gentleman should take my advice, he wonld no longer retain sucli an eenso- lent eanaille on hees place! Johnson, (hoiling with rage) Whose place? Dathis. Hees place ! You can understand me — no? Johnson. What do you mean? What — (chokes) This is my place. Do ye hear? Dathis. (appealing to Billings) He says before you zhat zhis place belong to him. (Billings regards Dathis calmly from his perch on the chest or table.) Johnson. You crazy fool — where do you think you are? Dathis. (violently going up to Billings) Is not zhis plantation yours? Billings, (shaking head — spealcs as if a matter of course) No. (Innocently, looking at Dathis with quiet surprhe that he should suggest such a thing) Dathis. Eet is not! Eet is not! Billings. Say — what's the matter with you, any- way. (Dathib stands thunderstruck. Johnson looks at Dathis a moment tvith the utmost contempt, and then begins half audible voice, almost too excited to speak.) Johnson, (bus.) What the — where the— oh. 102 TOO MUCH JOHNSON (bus.) I'll let him know whose place it is. {Stag- gers up to window) This is sretting too devilish strong for my blood, (and he strides off at ivindow in such a manner as to give the impression that he is not going anywhere in particular — hut raving around general! g. Datiiis stands motionless still. Bil- lings calmly regarding him while he smokes, then reaches for a magazine on dresser and reads it.) Dathis. (suddenly coming to himself, glares at Billings) What ees zthis? (Billings looks up from paper and regards Dathis pleasantly) This ])laee belons^ to him ! And I have been sleeping — un- dair his roof. Billings. Looks like it — if you slept, (readi^ paper) Dathis. Sacraman bleu! {goes tjuickly down to I., of table) This oes more than T — (tnrns and sees ladies enter) (Enter Mrs. Battkrson followed by Mrs. Billings from their room, looking in rather timidly. They see that Johnson is gone, and com.e on, looking questioningly at Billings, and uficer- tainly nt Dathis.) Dathis. {seeing ladies, addresses them standing L. of table) You shall pardon me — I ask you to ex- plain zhis thing! (ladies stand startled — retiring slightly before Dathis excited on set) Since from you I am told the place belongs to heem ! (pointing at Billings, who is reading) Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings. Explain — ■ T_i don't Dathis. (hurrying excitedly on) Zthe place is not hees — it belongs to that fellow Johnson ! Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (greatly surprised) Belongs to — why what do you mean? Dathis. (excitedly) Zhatiseet! Zhat is eet! TOO MUCH JOHNSON 103 Mrs. Billings, x^ugustus. Do you hear that? (Mrs. Billings is next to Billings during scene. All look toward Billings. Billings is finish- ing a sentence and does not look up.) Mrs. Batterson. He says — you don't own this place. (Billings after an instant's pause to finish article, looks up and at the others inquiringly.) Billings. Says what ! Mrs. Billings. Why, that this place here — this whole pla-ce — helongs to Mr. Johnson. Billings. That's right. (Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings draw in their breaths in surprise mak- ing a gaspy exclamation) Billings. Sold it to him last night. (Billings now puts away paper — sits calmly smoking, and pleasantly regarding the others) Mrs. Batterson. Sold it? Mrs. Billings. Sold it? Dathis. (excitedly approaching Billings) Eet seems to me, sir — I — (stops, too indignant to speak — turns to go off) I shall find out who is to blame for zhis ! Whoever eet ees — it will not be well for heem ! (Exit at 'window. Mrs. Batterson stands looking at Billings in astonishment and indignation.) Mrs. Billings, (to Billings) Why, what are we — are you going to take us home, Augustus? Billings. Take you anywhere you say. Mrs. Billings. Mercy! How soon do we have to start? Billings, (looks at watch) Half an hour. 104 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mhs. BiLLiXGS. (going toward their door up R. c.) Dear nie — I'll have to pack up some — (hreal') Come, maaiia — we'll barely have time to {E.rit Mrs. Billixgs hurriedly up u. c. Mus. Batter.sox goes to Billings and f/Jare>i at him. in siJrnre an instant.) ^Ins. Battkrsox. I regard this a< a most siiiLnilfir pjTceeding, ^Ir. liillings. Billixcs. That's all right. Mrs. Battersox. I'm not so sure tliat it is all light I {lunnhes off at donrway up n. c. As &ttr ifoes) You seem to have lost your senses — that's wliat I think about it. (ftr. slams door shut after her) - (Enftr .Jojixsox nt uiudau' up left, lie comes plunging into the room as though he had ju^l rrmemherrd something. ) Joiixsox. {fhreateningJi/ to liiLi.iN<;s. irho is .■•till seated up c.) Here! You. Faddish! ( BlL- ltxgs gazes at Jothxsox ralmJij and pleasanthj) He wasn't the only one I You struck me, by Cain ! You stnick me here before the whole crowd of them ? BiLLTXGs. Yes. You don't wont to forget that either. JoHXSOX. [shal'ing his fist in Billixgs* fare) Forget it — look here you I I don't care whose father vou are ! You're goin' to settle with me for that I Billixgs. See here, Johnson — if you kiss my wife asrain I'll smack vou across the head again— don't make anv mistake about that JoHXSOX. ^^'hat are you talking about? Billixgs. Talking about smashing you across the s — skull — not very pleasant — but have to talk about these things once in a while vou know. TOO MLXH JOHNSON 105 JoHxsox. Kissed your wife! BiLLiXGs. That's what I said. Johnson. It's a cursed lie! BiLLiyf;s. Lie! Wliat do you mean? JoHXsox. Whv savs I kissed her? Who savs «)? BiLLiXGS. I say so. JoHxsoxy. Wei], I say, you don't know what you're talkinsr about, {taking stage R.) BiLLixGs. All right ! Jonxsox". You ain't able to prove it! BiLLiXGs. Think not? Who was in the room at the time? JoTix'sox'. Tliey was all in here — {goes to l. 1 e. niirl rolls off) Come in here you! Yes, you! Come here ! {Enter Faddish, Leox'oea and ^Iackixtosh — with worJc as before, and with some trepidation. They stand in line near door.) JoHxsox. (roughly) He says I kissed his wife liere — yesterday, {looks at YABDh^ party. Faddish party looks hlankly at him) You know well enough it's a cursed lie — it was his daughter I kissed ! Faddish. Oh no — {shakes head) You — ^you— (Leox'ora and Mackix'tosh shake heads) JoHXSox-. Well — what ! Faddish. I'm — I'm very sorry, sir, — but you — you did ! Jonxsox". {stops thunderstruck, looks at Leonora <7«^ Mackix'tosh) His wife! (JoHXsox stands an instant glaring at Faddish party. Faddish blinking at him meekly, Leox'oea looking at him with hatred and de- fiance^ — yet not too pronounced to be natural. She t5 timid at th£ same time. MliCKTNTOSH 106 'I'OO MUCH JOHNSON also look-s with bitterness at Johnson, and stands as if ahuost ready to challenge him to comhat. Johnson brief pause. Suddenly turns up and strides loirard door up u. c.) JoiiNsox. (as he starts) Hero I I'll soon \hh. {kno(i:s riolently at door up R. c.) Mhs. Bii.i.r.\(s. (Jr(ni! inside) Well! What (1<> you wan( ? Johnson. I want you to eome out here! There's something I want to know! (Faddish, Leonoiu and Mackintosit lam as if to go off at left door. Johnson sees them start) You wait here! (goes down toward them quickly — thus crossing Billings tu L.) I'll have this settled! {Enter M«s. Batter- son and Mi{s. Billin(;s up \i. with some alarm. Johnson turns and goes toward them — roughly) What I wajit to know is this l)iL]yiN( :-. [sliding easily off chest or table and heading off' Johnson as he start.s from l. c. towards ladies up H. c.) Hold on, Johnson. Now w^ait — now wait — now wait- — (Johnson stops) I think it's just as well after what's occurred for you to discontinue addressing remarks to these ladies, (after looking at Johnson an instant in silence, he turns totvard .Mus. ]")ATTKi{S()\ and Mrs. Billings) This man Johnson claims to l)e ignorant of the fact that he attempted to kiss my wife in this room yesterday afternoon. Will you kindly state, to the best of your knowledge and belief whether he did or did not. Mrs. BattiiRson. He certainly did ! ^[rs. Billincs. Well I should think so! (Johnson goes hack of chair r. of table for support.) BiLUNGS. (after pause for effect) Might be just as well, Johnson, for you to be a little more careful in the future, (a look at him) You're not the only TOO MaCEI JOHNSON 107 man on earth. (Pause) No, not the only one! There's a few of us left yet. (after a slight wither- ing and stony stare at Johnson turns to Mrs. Bat- TERSON and Mrs. Billings) Come, my dear! (Takes Mrs. Batterson hy the arm and leads her off through door up R. followed hy Mrs. Billings, who sweeps out haughtily with a withering lool- at Johnson. Pause: Johnson stands stupefied, gazing at door where Billings and the ladies made their exit. Faddish party remain a mo- ment looking at the said door, and after that at Johnson. Soon Johnson starts and comes to himself. Then pinches himself to see if he is awake or dreaming — then turns and glares at Faddish paH?/. Faddish immediately begins brushing hard at shoe in his hand. Seems to form, a sudden resolution — -walks rapidly up c. and pours out a glass of brandy with trembling eager hand) (Faddish, Leonora and Mack- intosh start again as if to exit at left door.) Johnson, (just raising glass to drink — or just in act of drinking. Stops) Wait! (Faddishes ^fo/?) (Johnson finishes drink, walks about a little in silence/ then comes down to Fabthsh party) Johnson. Was I full yesterday? Faddish. I really don't know, sir. Johnson. Well, what do you know? (to Fad- dish) See here ! If ever you see me try to kiss that old woman again, run a fork into me! Anything! (strides across to R. and up stage — a pause, then goes down to them., indicating in a rough way — hy glances at door up R. u. that he is going to speak confi- dentially) Here! I want to ask you something! (motioning to chairs) Seddown! Faddish, (quite encouraged — smiling and simper- ing) Yes — thank you. (motioning Leonora to 108 TOO MUCH JOHNSON seat) To Leonora) Ha, ha! He asks us to sit down! (Faddish takes chair r. of table and goes c. with it. Leonora does the same with chair l. of table. Mackintosh brings stool from corner l. 1 e. They all sit in line c. Johnson has got chair from near head of lounge. Suddenly turns on chair and sees Faddishes seated by him. Leo- nora sits in the middle. Faddish next to John- son) Johnson. Now. Of course you can tell me about these Faddishes ! Faddish. About — about {stop dumbfounded) Johnson, {roughly) You belong to the family, don't you ? Faddish. But, sir — I — you Johnson. Now what you want to do is to give it to me straight! I'll make it worth your while! (Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh simply look asto7iished) Faddish. I — ha — ha — {simper) er — What did you want to know about us? Johnson. {Jool-ing around to see he is not over- heard) Is the family all right? That's what I want to know ! Faddish. All right! Leonora. Well, I declare! Johnson. There's something queer! Curse me if I can make it out. Faddish. Queer, sir? Johnson. Yes, queer! Any fool can see that! If the family's alright I marry the girl! If it ain't Faddish, {grasping his hand and shaking it) Oh my dear sir — (Faddish continues, shaking Johnson's hand vigorously during speech and show- TOO MUCH JOHNSON 109 ing his dcJir/lit. Johnson lools at him thoroughly hored) I'm so greatly relieved to hear you allude to the — er — marriage. I began to think there might be some mistake Johnson, (pullino away) That's enough ! Faddish. As the family — since you ask me, I feel at liberty to assure you that it is one of the first in the whole Province of Quebec — one of the first, sir. Johnson. Tt is. eh? Faddish. Oh, there can't be any doubt about it, sir! Johnson. Ugh! ^^Tiat about the girl, eh? Faddish. What about — what about Leonora. Well, upon my word. Johnson. What's the matter with ye. Crazy loons ! ! Faddish. Of course I— well if you — (talcing Johnson down stage) My dear sir, it gives me great pleasure to assure you that she is a perfect treasure, sir ! A perfect treasure ! Johnson. Oh, you think so, do you? Faddish. I'm sure of it ! And certainly I ought to know if anyone ! Johnson. You kuow her prettv well, do you? Faddish. Know her— well, I hope so. Johnson. D — d. I don't care what you hope! Do you? Faddish. E — yes, sir. I do ! Johnson. Well, what's the use of all this beating about the bush — (Johnson pushes Faddish on one side and goes up) You can say what you think I suppose. I'm going to pay you for it. {coming down near Leonora) Now about Faddish himself — isn't he a little off, ^h ! (sits next to Leonora. and addresses her) There's something devilish strange about him ! ! (Leonora rises and moves away from Johnson to 110 TOO MUCH JOHNSON L. Mackintosh comes next to Johnson, i^' /to has also risen) Johnson. Hoav is it. (Lkonoka rises and trips away) Oh, you needn't be afraid, I ain't going to let that stand in the way — I can get rid of him easy enough. (tvr7is sharply round to Faddish, who stands r.) Come, speak up! What about Faddish, eh? (Faddish gives a someivhat helpless glance toward Leonora, looks at Johnson. Makes an at- tempt to speak. FinaUy gets out a few words) Faddish. If you — if you insist, sir — I- JoHNsoN. {suspicio?is aromed by Faddish's hesitation) What's the matter with ye? Is there something wrong? Faddish, (hastily) Oh no! no indeed, sir! Johnson. Sure he's all straight, are ye? Faddish. Oh yes — perfectly so, sir ! Believe me! Johnson. Very well then! I'll marry the girl. Faddish, (embracing Johnson) Oh, my dear sir, I Johnson, (throwing him off) What's the matter with ye. Clear out! All of ye! (motioning them all toirard door left) I've got to square it with him — we've been having a kind of a row. (taking chair to head of sofa. Starts up toward door up r. c. Stops and turns) Don't you hear me! Get out of this ! Go to work ! Faddish, (doubtfully) How — how very strange it all is. Come, my child. (Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh go toward door left) IjEONORA. Oh — I can't marry that awful creature ! Mackintosh. You shan't marry her! Leonora, (bus.) Oh, Harry! Johnson. Here ! (Johnson suddenly looks rounds TOO MUCH JOHNSON m Faddish, Leonora and Mackintosh exit l. 1 b. with start, and all humping up against each other. After exit of Faddishes, Johnson looks after them a moment. Then he looks toioard door up R. C. Then turns and takes another drink, pouring out hrandif feverishly. Then he goes to door up R. C. about to knock loudly, suddenly pauses, and decides to knock very softly, lohich he does three times, waiting for answer each time, and each time knock- ing a little louder than before. Billings opens door of room up R. c. and stands motionless, calmly waiting for Johnson to speak. Johnson doesn't ,ii.T,iN(;s. I'm almost afraid you're not enjoying this trip. Mrs. Hillings. Enjoying it! Mercy! I should say not ! What that man going on the way he does — and the duels — and your trouble with him — and Oh, Tm so glad you've sold out and we can go home. Nfama, says she thinks there's something peculiar about it, but 1 don't care if I can only get you away where he can't do you any harm ! Billings. Say! You needn't worrv about me. I'm all right! Mrs. Billings. But 1 can't help it, dear. Why, the man's simply a savage beast. How do I know what he might do to you! (Billings puts down cigar and looks at Mrs. Billings an instant then takes her hand) Billings. Say! That was a pretty solid thing you did yesterday ! By Jove t TOO MUCH JOHNSON 115 Mrs. Billings. Why, what do you mean? Billings. When you jumped in between Johnson and me, — that time he was pulling a gun on me. Mrs. Billings. But, Augustus, the man was goirg to shoot you! (plaintive MUSIC begins) Billings. That's what I mean ! (Billings /ooLs- dovn a1 her hand) Mrs. Billings. Why, that was nothing, he wouldn't have dared to shoot me. (pause) But if I knew he would, don't you suppose I'd do it just the sar^e. (pause) You know I would!! Billings. That's right! (l-isses her hand) Mrs. Billings. Why, what are you kissing my hand for, dear? Billings, (after a moment's pause and looking af her) Ah well! Guess we'd better leave it that way just now. Mrs. Billings. How strange you do act lately! Sometimes I'm almost afraid you don't care for me any more. You do, don't you, dear? Billings, (after a pause) Well, what do you think? {LoOTON enters hurriedly. MUSIC stops.) Mrs. Billings, (seeing him) What is that man here for? Billings. Little matter of business that's all! (Enter Mrs. Batterson from door up R. c. bringing on shawl.) Mrs. Batterson. (coming down) Mrs. Billings ! I want you to put this in your trunk. There isn't room in^ (stops on seeing Looton) LooTON. (l. c.) Ah! parties to coiita*act? Parties, eh? Mrs. Batterson. Contract! 116 TOO MUCH JOHNSON LooTON. Oh, yes — (sitting l, of table and tak- ing up contract) You sign contract now! Mrs. Battersox. What contract are we going to sign, pray? BiLLiXGS. ^^lat do you supix)se? Sold the place, got to sign the deed, you know. Mrs. Battersox. Oh, that's it! {going up) Come, dear help me put this in your trunk. Mrs. Btllixgs. {at door up r. c. to Billings, who has followed them up) Tell us when it's time to go, Augustus ! I^ILLTXGS. I'll look out for that ! ^Irs. Billings. And do be careful when you're with tliat man ! (BiLLTXGS closes door. Enter Leonora and ^Iack- iXTOSTi frow L. 1 E.) Leoxor^v. (seeing Billixgs) There he is! Mackixtosii. I'd like to speak to you a moment, Mr. Billings. Billixgs. (coming down to them l.) That's all right ! Leoxora. I've got to be married to that dreadful creature — and I'd rather die ! Mackintosh. What I want to know is — whether you can help us or not — that's all ! Billixgs. Like to, of course, but I've got about all I can carry just now. Mackixtosii. Then I'll send him the challenge! Leoxora. NTo! Xo! Mackixtosh. It's the only thing left to do! Billixgs. Not at all ! You just keep quiet ! Let the thing ,s:o on — don't say a word — dare say I'll hit on something! Leonora. Will you ! Oh, you're so good ! Mackintosh. Do you think there's any way out of it? : TOO MUCH JOHNSON 117 Billings. There's a way out of everything — ^all you've got to do is to strike it ! Mackintosh. We owe you a debt of gratitude, sir. (shaling Billing's hand) Billings. That's all right! (send them off L. 1 E.) (At their exit Johnson pushes Faddish across iviti- doiv ringing hell — then comes quickly down to Billings. ) Johnson. Team's out there now — ready for you. Billings. Out there? Out by the door? That lively one you spoke, of ? Johnson. Yes ! Billings. Say ! Can't your man take our trunks out by the window ? The team is right there ! Johnson, {starting toward l. 1 e.) Yes! I'll speak to one of the men about it. I'll see Fred. {as he goes off) Here you! Fred! Come here, etc., etc. {exit l. 1 e. .4s Johnson goes of ne- groes appear across window) Billings. {s.eeing negroes) Here, come here! (they come down to him) Did you hear that bell? Xegroes. Yes, sah — ^yes, sah ! Billings. Well, there's a cyclone coming. Xegroes. Cyclone, sah ! ! Billings. Yes, Mr. Johnson says so. He's out there working on it now. {negroes all look paralyzed) Now look here. When you hear that bell, run away, drive all the horses out of the barn as quick as you can and don't stop for anything. Xegroes. (rush off at window) Yes, sah, yes, sah ! {as negroes go off Johnson re-enters hur- riedly from L. 1 E.) Johnson, {to Looton) Is the papers all fixed? (Johnson picks up contract^ and looks at them; 118 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battersox and Mrs. Billixgs enter from fheir room.) Mrs. Battersox. {as she enters) What did that bell mean? Mrs. Billings. Yes. (Billings seeing ladies goes toward them.) JoHXSox'. {to Indies and speal-ing very qnicl'hi all through, following scene) That's to call in the niggers, ma'am — they can sing and I'm going to have music ! Mrs. Batiersox. Music? JoHNSOX^. Yes, ma'am. Sit down, {to ladies. Going over to l. 1 e.) Here, you, come in here! Stir around and fetch us up some chairs. (Joiin- sox' gets chair from under bookshelf. Leox^ora en- ters first, then Mackixtosh, bringing on chair. Faddesh enters from window with bell, which he places on dresser up c.) Wliere's them niggers? (Billings gets chair for Mrs. Billings from behind lounge. Mrs. Batterson sits on lounge) Mrs. Battersox. Why does the man want music perfonned during a real-estate transaction? Billixgs. Way they do in Cuba. Faddish. Ah, hern, yes — I suppose we shall sit on this side. (Faddish sits l. above Leonora on chair which Mackintosh has put. Leonora sits next to Faddish. Johnson has seated himself before this at table c. facing the audience. Mrs. Bat. on lounge. Mrs. Billings on chair near lo^mge. Billings stands near Mrs. Billings.) Mrs. Batterson. (indicating Faddish party on TOO MUCH JOHNSON 119 L.) Why do those people remain in the room? Killings. Have to have a witness to a deed, don't TO? t^OHXsox. (to Looton) Go on with it! Go on! LooTON. Hem? {dears throat — and reads) By these presents I hereby certify and declare, that there are come before me this day, one Joseph Had- bury Johnson of Santiago de Cuba — and Billings. Say! We know the parties. Don't waste time on that. Johnson. Yes ! Ha ! Ha ! We know the parties ! Read what they get, Looton ! Looton. (reading) And the said Johnson on his part, gives and makes over in fee simple uncon- ditionally, the sum of " Benticincho mil pessoo " — twenty-five thousand dollars in gold. Faddish, (springing to his feet and coming down and seizing Johnson's hand) Oh, mv friend, how generous of you — how Johnson, (throwing him off) Here, that'll do! Do you see that bell over there ! Well, go outside and ring it! Do you hear? (Johnson pushes him up stage to hell. Faddtsii goes off at ivindoio ringing hell.) Billings. There goes my cyclone ! Johnson, (at table again turning to Mrs. Bat- TERSON standing at table) Twenty-five thousand dollars ! ! in gold Mrs. Batterson. I wish to laiow, sir, if you con- sider that a fair price ? Johnson. Fair price! Fair pr (^o Billings) She must be Billings, (hreahing in on him) Yes, that's just what she is, old man, but don't stop for it now or we'll never get through, (hustles Johnson down to table again) 120 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Jon X.SOX, (/o Looton) Goon! LooTox [reading) '"In addition to the above the said Johnson agrees as a mark of his respect and veneration, to give Mr. and Mrs. Faddish, the par- ents of his bride, a yearly allowance of fifty bags of '• caracaleo " coffee as long as they may live. Mks. Battersox. What on earth ha^ that Faddish cofiee got do with BiLLiX'os. (hrcafriuf/ in) Doesn't do you any harm, does it ? Joirxsox. What do von think of that last clanse. eh ? (Faddish re-enters froin irindotr. jiuU hell down on dresser, and. cones down to Mackintosh and Leoxoija. during following speeches Billings comes over to them, theg group around him fnU-ing.) Mrs. Battersox. I'm sure it's nothing to me I JoHX'sox". Nothing to — nothing to (aghast) Mrs. Battersox. What do I care what T do with A'our coffee? JoiiN^sox. (aMonished and indignant) You — you — fifty hags of — fifty b — (loud voice) Do you want the earth? Mrs. Battersox. Xo I And 1 don't want any- thing about annual allowances of coffee stuck in our contract, either. 1 siin]ily want the money due — that's all ! Johnson. Oh I That's all, is it? "Mrs. Batterson. That's all, sir ! And the sooner it's done the better. Johnson, (violently) T think so too — (hur- riedhj to Looton) Cross out that coffee!! (after crossing out coffee — seizes contract from table and shakes it at Mrs. Batterson. Rising in chair) There it is ! ! ! Just money, that's all ! ! ! TOO MUCH JOHNSON l^l BiLLixcs. Say! what's all this, Johnson? (Bil- lings has been standing talking to Faddish party) Here's this man Blodgett talking about some scheme on hand for you to marry his daughter ! (Mrs. Battekson, Mrs. Billings, Johnson, bus. of looking in surprise, etc.) Johnson. About what? What's that? Billings, (turning to Faddish) That's what you say, isn't it? Faddist]. Dear me, but my name isn't. Billings, {quickly) Xo matter what your name is — that's what you say. Faddish, {going down to Johnson at table) Why, dear me, yes. Wasn't it understood, sir, that — e — that you Johnson. {scarcely able to speak coherently) Marry her! Faddish. Why, dear me, sir — I thought it was all . Johnson, {throws Faddish off) It's a cursed lie! It's — it's {sends Faddish away from him. Faddish^06s up G.) Billings. And here's this young man says he's in love with the girl himself, {looks at Mackin- tosh) Am I correct in this? Mackintosli. Yes, sir, you are! Leonora. Oh, vl^ ! He is! Johnson. He! That^ — in love with her. (Mack- intosh and Leonora nod emphatically) Well, take her and clear out. That's all I ask. (Faddish stands aghast) Mrs. Batterson. Well, I declare. Johnson. Get her out of here, {to Faddish, who goes down to him, to expostulate. Throwing Fad- dish off) And you along with her — I've had enough of the whole Blodgett crowd, (turns to papers, etc., angrily) 122 TOO MUCH JOHNSON BiLLiNcs. (quick aside to Mackintosh and Leo- -VORA at ivindow) That's all right. All you've got to do is to light out. Leonora, {quickly) Yes, yes. Mac'KIXtosu. [quickly) Where shall we go? BiLLixcs. Go — why just — here — there's a team o' bays at tliat door. It's the only one left on tlie place. Juni}) on the cart, sit on a trunk and wait For me. (Pushes Leonora and Mackintosif through win- dow. Turns towards others carelessly. Saunters over to Mrs. Batterson.) Faddish, {going down again to Johnson) My dear sir! There must be some Johnson, {pushing him along) Clear out. Faddish. But — wait! Stop them. {hurries toward window up L. and calls off. Going out al window up L.) I'll call them back! There's some mistake — don't let them go. {exit Faddish at ivin- dow up L.) Johnson. Come. Where's those papers? Here! {takes pen and writes with a flourish) There's mine, {coming l. of table down a little) Billings, {picking up contract and glancing at it) Of course — that's yours, isn't it? {Enter Frederick hurriedly at l. 1 e.) FredI^rick. 'Ere's a packet for you just came in by the steamer, sir. {gives package to Johnson and e.vits again l. 1 e.) Johnson. Ugh! {takes package at once and begins to tear it open. Turning impatiently toward the ladies as he tears open the package) If she's going to sign the thing, why don't she do it? Billings. Don^t get excited,, old man, plenty of TOO MUCH JOHNSON 12f3 time, (brings Mrs. Billings down to table) Here you are. (Bus. of jamming pen into Mrs. Billings' hand. Mrs. Billings astonished at all this, Mrs. Batterson also.) Mrs. Batterson. (rising) Is she going to sign that thing? BiLLiNrs. (to Mrs. Batterson) Of course, wife always signs — in Cuba. (Pizzicato MUSIC begins. Billings getting ready for the move up stage.) Jo^TNsoN. (suddenly, in low, ominous tone) What's all this? (Billings looks calmly at Johnson. Ladies start and also look at Johnson. Slight pause. Johnson fiercely clutching and claiving over letters. Others watching.) Johnson, (breaking out again) Ha! Who's this returns my letters? (LooTON gets quickly from, chair l. of table to chair back of table. Billings gives a quick side look over Johnson's shoulder, then with adroit movement almost on Johnson's speech, whisks Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson, who are both standing at the time, up stage away from, Jolinson's vicinity. Make this and the look at letters almost one movement — yet not hurried.) Billings. Don't stand too near, (as he swings Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson up) Mrs. Billings. What's the matter? 124 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Billings. Been drinking, that's all. Johnson, (coming to table, sits l. of table. Read- ing a letter) Clairette ! Clairette ! — returns my letters, does she? Billings. ^fy letters to Clairette! Signed, "Johnson." {to ladies) Better get your things — we want to go in a minute. {Bringing Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings quichhj to door of their room up R. Gets Mrs. BattI':rson a7id Mrs. Billings off at door r., quietly closes and locks it — and turns toward Johnson, putting key in his pocket.) Johnson, {bringing his fist down on table on word ''kill'') I'll kill the hound who played this game on me! (Looton jumps up on the word "kill" — gathers up his papers quickly and goes off at door r. 1 e. in terror) Some woman returns my letters, does she? {reads) "I send you the other ])iece of your photograph — my husband has the rest." {flusters through letters) Other piece! Where's that other piece, {photograph drops to floor from letters. Johnson seizes it. After a glance at the piece of photograph ) Here ! This is the rest of that other one. (rising and feeling in his pockets. Bil- lings has walked quietly to window up left and off — partly out of sighl, hut as if lingering near. John- son pulls out the portion of photograph used by Dathis during Acts 1 and 2 and ivith shaking hands holds the two pieces together) Johnson, (a hoarse, savage yell) Ha! (he turns suddenly and strides up to door up R. at once pounding violently upon it) Here! You!! Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (outside up R. Calling in high voices together) What is it? What do you want? (Johnson tries to open door) Johnson, (pounding again) Open this door. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 125 Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, {outside up R., after quicMy trying to open the door) We can t i't''s lof'KOCl ■ Johnson. If vou don't open it, I will. (John- son breaks in door and rushes into room, ladies rush out screaming) Mrs. Batterson. Who do you want? Johnson. (appearing in doorway) Faddish! an' ril g-if'im too. ■ Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings, (outside up R.) lie isn't here. Johnson. Try to fool me, will ye ? Mrs. Batterson. Mercy ! Is the man crazy !^ Johnson.' Where is he? Where is he, I say? Mrs. Batterson. (all very rapid along here) We don't know. ^r . at i Mrs Billings, (shaking head) :No! JNo! Johnson. I'll find him— wherever he is— leave me alone for that. (starting toward door left) Here! Fred! (Exit at door left) Where did Faddish go ? (A crash outside at Johnson's exit as though he had hiched over something.) (Ladies tvatch Johnson off in same consternation. Enter Billings at window up L., sauntering on leisurely. Ladies turn quicUy, seeing Bill- ings.) Mrs. Billings, (meet Billings l. c.) Mercy! Did you see that man ! Billings. Yes-^aw 'im. Mrs Batterson. Why, the creature s a maniac. Billings. Nothing to wait for, is there? Better ffet your things! Mrs. Billings. yes-^here.- (going toward door up R.) ril get my 126 TOO MUCH JOHNSON Mrs. Battekson. (almost with Mrs. Billings) Yes, right on tlie table (also goes hurriedly up to door up R.) I'm sure I'll be glad to leave this place. (Billings strolls quietly over l., loolcs around to make sure that no one is about — then lualJcs down to table, sees letters, etc., which Johnson has left there — picks up letters from, table, puts them in his pockets. Then sees pieces of photo- graph, takes up two halves, looks at them a mo- ment, then puts them together — a crash heard off L. Billings quickly puts photo in pocket and goes up stage. Mrs. Batterson and Mrs. Billings re-enter at door up r. almost im- mediately for bus., is very short — ivith satchels, parasols, etc. They hurnedly hand them to Billings, who takes them as if mei-ely starting out for pleasure drive.) Mrs. Billings. There — (bus. of handing Bil- lings) We're all ready. Billings. Where's your other glove? Mrs. Billings. Oh dear, (looks about — picks it up) Here it is — I^t him carry that, mama! Mrs. Batterson. (hwriedly) Yes, let him take them all — come, hurry, dear. (going towards window) This way! Come! Come before he gets back ! Billings. Team's out here, (indicating door down R.) Mrs. Billings and Mrs. Batterson. (hurrying to door down r. 1 e. and passing Billin'gs) Yes^ yes! Come dear. Yes, mama! Mrs. Batterson. Yes, come dear. Hurry, qviick. (Both ladies running quickly over to R. 1 E. Meis. Batterson exits.) TOO MUCH JOHNSON 127 Mrs. Billings, (at door) What time does the l)oat leave? Billings. Ten ! Mrs. Billings. Dear me — why it's nearly that now! Do hurij! (exit Mrs. Billings door r. 1 e.) Billings, {glancing at his ivatch with some slight difficulty — owing to package he is carrying) Oh, I guess we'll make it all right. Billings exits R. 1 e. MUSIC segues from pizzi- cato to — ''Hurry/' Noise of carriage starting, whip cracking. Enter Dathis from window, strides across to R.) Dathis. (looking round) I shall see heem be- for I leave zthis place, (starts toward door r. 1 E.) (Enter Faddish half crazy at door r. 1 e., meeting Dathis) Faddish, (breathless — almost wringing his hands) Somebody stop them ! Somebody stop them ! They're all in the carriage — I — oh Dathis. Who is eet? Faddish. Come ! — We can hold the horses ! (goee to door u. 1 E.) We must not let them go! (as he exits) We came here for the marriage! (exit door R, 1 E.) (Enter Johnson at window, boiling with wrath.) Johnson, (entering at window, sees Dathis, rushes down to table c.) I've found the man that's played this game on us ! ! Dathis. (coming to him at table) Who is eet? Johnson. Came here to marry his daughter to me. Dathis. Faddish ! (Feederick enters from door L. 1 E.) 128 TOO MUCH JOHNSON JoHxsox. Where's his damned picture (look-. ing all over iahle for it) Datiiis. Never mind ze picture 1 1 {rushes ojf \i. 1 E.) Johnson, {turns, sees Frederick) Here, you fool! {putting hands around Frederick's throat). Where's Faddish? Tell me or I'll choke the life out of ye! Frederick. He's gone, sir! Johnson, {releasing Frederick) Gone!! Frederick. Yes, sir! He's just drove off like mad with tlie team of bays — down the road, sir! Johnson. Saddle my mare, quick ! Frp:derick. The mare's gone witli the rest of 'em. Johnson. Whereto? Frederick. They was all driven off on account of the cyclone ! Johnson. (going to strike him in l. corner) Cyclone! .\re you crazy? Dathis. {outside) Here is ze man! Frederick. He's got him, sir. {painting off lo R. 1 E.) Dathis. {dragging Faddish on from r. 1 e.) 1 hav(^ heem here ! ! ! JoiTNSON. (rushes at Faddish, who is in a heap on floor, sees his face just as he goes to strike him and stops) That's not Faddish!' That's Blodgett, vou fool ! ! Dathis. Blodgett!!! Faddish, {between them) No! My name is not Blodgett! I'm Faddish! Dathis. Ah ! Johnson. Eh? Then who's that other? Faddish and Dathis. He's Billings! Johnson. Billings? Did I marry his daughter? Faddish. No! It was my daughter! Dathis. He has no daughter. Zat was 'ees wife. TOO MUCH JOHNSON 1^9 Joii^isoN. Wife I Wife 1 1 {to Fabdisu ) You're Faddish ! Faddish. Yes! Johnson. Then your daughter was the one I Faddish. Yes I Johnson. Where is she? Faddish. Gone! Gone with Billings! (Johnson hangs fist on table. Johnson kicks at Frederick) Dathis. Was it ees picture you have — ze man who betray me? Johnson. Y^es ! ! Dathis. Billings ? Johnson and Faddish. Billings! Dathis. There is but one thing left to do ! 1 Johnson and Faddish. One thing to do! All. Find Billings! {aU shaking pMs in air. toirards audience) CURTAIN JAN' 29 191? ^ o^ LBAp'l2 N do Much Johnson ILLIAM GILLETTE FRENCHS STANDARD UBRARYEDITlOH W^ tJEL FRENGH, 2S-30 West 38th St., New York >«^>'^: *. -»^- *