^')Gl^'^3 '^'^ryv-c/L^ DOONER'S TRIP. DOONER'S TRIP. % Comebg iix Jfour %th. TSAN'SLATED AND FREELY ADAPTED FEOM THE FBENCn LEONARD GROYEE, Author of " Treasure Trove," " Our Boarding-House,'" "H. R. H. the Prince," "Mj Son-in-Law," *'Bad Dickey," etc. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the Office of the Congressional Librarian, in the year 1880. i'f N. B. — Fall dxscHption of the Scenes forwarded wpon application. 6 I New York : SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, PUBLISHER,?, 38 E. 14th St., Union Square. London : SAMUEL FRENCH, PUBLISHER, 89, STRAND. / /r^ 7/ CHARACTERS IN THE COMEDY Cadwalader Dooner— An opulent Pork-Packer. Age, 50. Col. Calhoun Baumgartner— Ex-Colonel '* Louisiana Tigers." Age, 50. Grateful Hucklestone— Clerk in a Sugar-Refinery. Age, 55. Horace Walbridge— Partner in the Sugar-Refinery. One of *'Mrs. Timmcrliouse's best societ}'." xlge, 28. Willie Rittenhouse— Partner in the Banking House of Bom- bax, Traquire & Co. Also one of " Mrs. Timmerhouse's best society." Age, 25. Joseph— Faithful decayed ''Tiger," attached to the Colonel. Age, 60. Mrs. Caroline Dooner— Y»"ife of the opulent P. P. Cadwala- der's Caroline. Age, 45. Miss Josephine Dooner — The pretty blonde daughter of the Dooners. Age, 19. Mrs. Lucinda Spoopendyke — A widow with the Stock in a valuable Silver Mine to place. Looks 35. Miss Clara Spoopendyke— Her niece, willing to take the one that is left. Age, 21. Alice — Servant-maid of the Dooners. Landlord of the Museum Hotel. A Guide to under the Falls. An Indian Saleswoman. Photograph Touter. Telegraph Boy. R. R. Conductor. R. R. Official. Porter. Travellers, etc., etc., ^\c. Time — The Present, Midsimimer. Costumes — Appropriate, Travelling and Society. Scenes— Philadelphia R. R. Depot. In iagara Falls, Canada side. Dooner s Villa. Action takes place within five weeks. DOONER'S TRIP. ACT I. SCEjSTE. — Interior Pemi. B.R. Despot ^ PJiiladelpliia. Scene rakes the stage r. & l., onahing angle u. c. Entrances r. & l. First, large arch in R. discloses liigli paZing fence, l)eyond which the rears of departing trains are visible. At each second gong a train moves off. Telegraph office in angle u. s. Large opening in l. c. leading to ladies'' loaiting-room discloses periodiccd-stamd. Sonall square opening T>. s., through which ticlcets are sold. Guard- railing in front of this. Purchasers of ticlcets form line facing u. s., and exit through arch. Telegraph Boy. Telegraph to all parts of the world. Rate to New York, only fifteen cents. HucKLESTONE. L. 1 E. {To himsclf.) This Dooner doesn't come ; here's a good hour that I've been waitiag for him. Tel. Boy. Telegraph to all parts of the world. Rate to New York, only fifteen cents. HucK. It was definitely settled for him to start early this morning for Niagara Falls, with his wife and daughter. {With sarcasm.) These pork-packers who go to Niagara ! These pork- packers who have half a million dollars I These pork- packers who keep a carriage ! What an epoch ! what a condi- tion of things ! As for me, I earn barely $1500 a year working and fretting in a sugar-refinery office. We frequently have two customers a week ; but there I am kept whether they come or not, reading the newspapers for five hours a day. This morning I demanded leave of absence, I said I was sick. I got it. It is absolutely necessary I should see Dooner before he departs. I want to have him lend me three hundred dollars. He'll put on the benevolent, assume the important — give me advice — a pork- packer. That's what galls me. But why doesn't he come ? They said he took the early express. {To official who passes fol- lowed ly-a traveller.) Mister, what time does the Niagara express leave ? Official. {Brvsqnely.) x\.sk the conductor. 4 dooxer's trip. HucK. (Aside.) Thank you, Mister Hog. (To Conductor.) Mr. Conductor, what time does the Niagara express leave ? Conductor. (Brusquely.) That's not my business. Sec the time-table. (Pointing to it.) HucK. Thank you. (Aside.) They are polite, these railroad men. If ever I catch one of them in the sugar refinery — Well, let's see the time-table. [Ei'it through arch. [Enter Dooxer, Miss Dooner, and Josephine, following an official J from 02yening Ij. c] DooN. This way. Don*t leave us, we can never find our- selves. Where is our baggage ? (Loohing off.) Ah I all right. Who has got the umbareilas ? Josephine. I have, papa. DooN. And the lunch, and my dressing-case ? Mrs. D. Here they are. DooN. And my Derby ? Oh! it's left in the carriage. (Start- ing and stopjjing.) Ah, no ! I got it in my hand. Heavens I but it's warm. Mrs. D. It's your fault. You hurried us — you urged us. I don't like to take a trip in this style. DooN. It's the starting I Once we are started, all will be easy. Stay here, I'm going to buy the tickets. (Giving his hat to Josephine.) Take care of my Derby. (To an official.) Three tickets for Niagara Falls. Off. (Brusquely.). It isn't opened yet ; in a quarter of an hour. DooN. (To Official.) I beg your pardon, it's the first time I've been to Niagara this way. (Returning to lis wife.) We are ahead of time. Mrs. D. There ! When I told you we had plenty of time, you wouldn't let us eat our breakfast. Doon. It's much better to be here early. We can look at the depot. (Tf/ Josephine.) Very well, my daugliter, are you con- tented ? Here we are started. In a few moments more and rapid as the arrow from the bow — we throw ourselves through Manny- unk — on, on to Niagara. Have you brought the opera-glass ? Mrs. D. Yes, certainly. Jos. Now I don't mean to reproach you, but for more than two years you have promised me this trip. DooN. My child, it was necessary that I should watch the market — what fluctuations in mess, what capers in sides, what jumps in wdiole hogs. A merchant can't leave his exchange as easily as a young miss can her boarding-school. Then I waited that your school-days might terminate, in order to complete your education by causing to shine before your eyes the grandest spectacle in all nature. ]\Irs. D, Come, Dooner, are vou going to continue in that stvle ? DOOXER S TRIP. 5 DooN. What? MrvS. D. Making speeches in a depot.- Doox. I don't make speeches. 1 school the imagination of our daughter. {Taking a memorandum-boolc from ^pocket.) See, my child, behold ! a dairy. I mean a da-iry— no, adi-ary that I have bought for you. Jos. "What for, papa ? DooN. To write on one side our expenses, and on the other our impressions. Jos. What impressions ? DooN. Our impressions of the trip. You write and I will dictate. Mrs. D. How ? You are going to make an author of yourself now ? Doox. It isn't a matter of making myself an author. I may have had literary aspirations in the past. The lluctuations in the pork market have subdued them. But it appears to me that a man of the w^orld might have thoughts, ideas, impressions more or less brilliant, and might be able to recall them through a da-iry — no, a di-ary. Mrs. D. That'll be huge. DooN. (Aside.) That's the way she is every time that she doesn't get her tea the moment she's out of bed. Employee. {Eiders from arcli i/p.) Mister, here are your trunks. Do you want to get them checked ? Doox. Certainly, certainly ; but not before I've counted them. Because when you know how many — One -two — three — four — five — six— my wife, seven, my daughter, eight, and myself, nine. We are nine pieces. Emp. Come ahead. Doox. Let's hurry. {Going,) Emp. ISTot that way — this way. Doox. All right. {To the ladies.) YVait for me there. Don't stir, don't get lost. ]^Exit, Jos. Poor papa, what trouble he gives himself ! Mr&. D. He's like a hen on a hot griddle. HoR. {Enters. Porter follows icith Mgyage.) I don't know yet where I go. Wait ! {Seeing Josephixe.) It is she. I have not been mistaken. {He salutes Josephixe, icho hoivs.) Mrs. D. {To Josephixe.) Who is that gentleman ? Jos. It's a young man with whom I danced last week at Mrs. Timmerhouse's reception. Mrs. D. Ah ! Mrs. Timmerhouse's. {Boies to Horace.) HoR. {Boicing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. What a happy coincidence 1 The ladies are about to leave ? Mrs. D. Yes, sir. HoR. Going to New York, without doubt ? Mrs. D. No, sir. HoR. To Long Branch, perhaps ? 6 D002h"ER's teip. Mrs. D. ISTo, sir. HoR. Pardon, madam, I thought if my services — Emp. Mister, you've just got time to get your baggage checked. HoR. That's so. (Aside.) I thought I'd be able to find out where they were going before baying my ticket. {Saluting.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. (Aside.) They leave, that's the principal thing. (To Employee.) Come on. [Exit through arch. [Mrs. SpoopejsDyke and Clara enter hastily fart icay^ as though watching. ] Mrs. S. I told j^ou, Clara. It's Mr. Walbridge. Cla. Yes, Aunty. My I it's absurd. [Exit loth. Mrs. D. He's very good looking. [Enter y^ uAjIE^ folloiced ly Coachman.] Will. Carry my valise to the baggage-master. I will follow. (Employee exits.) (Perceiving Josephine.) It is she. (Boies.) Mrs. D. Who is that gentleman ? Jos. It's another young man who danced with me at Mrs. Timmerhouse's reception. Mrs. D. Mrs. Timmerhouse's. (Boies.) Will. (Bowing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. What a happy coincidence. The ladies are going to leave ? Mrs. D. Yes, sir. Will. The ladies are going to Kew York, without doubt ? Mrs. D. No, sir. Will. To Long Branch, probably. Mrs. D. (Aside.) Just like the other. (Aloud.) No, sir. Will. Pardon, madam, I thought if my services — Mrs. D. (Aside.) Mrs. Timmerhouse's young men are all alike. Will. (Aside.) I haven't advanced very mucli. I will check my baggage and then return. (Boicing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. [Exit l. 1 e. [Mrs. Spoopexdyke and Clara enter as he/ore.] Mrs. S. There, didn't I tell you, Clara, it's Mr. Pittenhouse ? Cla. Yes, Aunty. My! It's absurd. [Exit loth. Mrs. D. That's a very good-looking young man. But what on earth is your father doing ? My feet ache standing here. HucK. (Enters. Aside.) I was mistaken, the train does not leave for an hour yet. Jos. Hah ! Mr. Hucklestone. HucK. (Aside.) Here they are at- last. Mrs. D. How do you come to get away from the sugar-re- finery ? Huck. I demanded leave of absence. My dear madam, I didn't want to let you go away without saying good-by. Mrs. D. How ? That's why you came. It's very kind. DOONER S TRIP. 7 HucK. ButI don't see Dooner. - Jos. Papa is busy with tl]e baggage. DooN. {Enters arch.) The tickets first. All riglit. HucK. All, here he is. Good morning, old friend. DooN. (Very dusy.) Ah, it's j^ou I You are very kind to come to see me off. Pardon, i must get my tickets. (.He leaves Mm.) HccK. He is polite. DooN. (7'o Official.) Mister Conductor, Mister Agent, Mister General Superintendent, they won't check my baggage before I have bought ray tickets. Off. (Aixh up.) It isn't open — wait. DooN. Wait, and over there they told me to hurry. ( Coming front.) I'm bothered. Mrs. D. And my feet ache standing here. DooN, Very well, sit down. Don't you see there are benches. You are very good to stand there like two posts. Why don't you sit down ? Mrs. D. You yourself told us not to stir. You are insup- portable. DooN. jN"ow, Caroline. Mrs. D. Your trip ! I've had enough of it already. DooN. It's easy to see that you haven't had your tea. There, now, go sit doAvn. Mrs. D. (^Sitting icith Josephine.) Very well, but hurry yourself. HucK. (Aside.) A nice little family. Boon. (ToUvck.) She's always like that when she misses her tea in the morning. You good Hucklestone ! It was very neat, your coming to see us off. HucK. Yes. I wanted to talk to you about a little business. Boon. And my baggage resting there on a truck. I'm very uneasy. (Aloud.) You good, kind Hucklestone ! It was very amiable for you to see us off. (Aside.) I must go there. HucK. I want to ask a little favor of you. Boon. Of me ? HucK. I'm a little pressed, and if you are willing to advance me three hundred dollars. Boon. Now here ? IIucK. I believe I've always paid you the money that you have lent me. Boon. It's no matter about that. HucK. I beg your pardon. I believe it should be considered. My month's salary of $125 is due in four weeks, and in two months after that I shall have $250 more due, and if you haven't confidence in me I will give you an order. Boon. Nonsense, are you a fool ? HucK. (Dryly.) Thank you. Boon. Why do you come to me to ask this, just at the mo- 8 dooner's trip. ment I am about leaving? I have drawn exactly the money necessary for my trip. HucK. If that's your style, let me say no more about it. I will address a banker Tvho demands a half per cent a month of me. I shan't die. Doox. (With pocl'etlool\) See, don't feel so bad. There — there it is, $300. But don't speak about it before my wife. HucK. {ToMng the money,) I understand. She's so stingy. DooN. How ? stingy ! HucK. I mean to say that she has ideas of her own. DooN. It's necessary to have, mv friend, it's necessarv. HucK. {Dryly.) Well, that's $300 that I owe you." Good- by. {Aside.) What a bother about $300. And they go to Magara. Pork-packers ! Humph I [Exit l. 1 e. Doox. All right, he's gone. He didn't even say thank you I But at the bottom I believe he loves me. {Seeing the ticket office open.) Ah ! jingo, they are selling the tickets. {He throic shim- self into the line.) Traveller. Pay attention, sir. Emp. Take your tarn. Mister, you there. Doo:js. And my baggage, and my wife. {Talcing end of line.) [Colonel and Joseph enter ^ the latter icith a lag.] CoL. You understand me ? Jo. Yes, my commander. Col. And if she asks where I am, when I will return, you answer that you know nothing about it. I never want to hear speak of her again. Jo. Yes, my commander. CoL. You say to Ida that all is at an end. Completely fin- ished. Jo. Yes, my commander. Doox. I've got my tickets now for the baggage. [Exit, Col. You understand me thoroughly? Jo. Begging your pardon, my commander, it's do use your going. Col. Why? Jo. Because, when he returns, my commander will resume with Miss Ida. CoL. Oh I Jo Then it's money in your pocket, not to quit her. These little differences always cost something to my commander. CoL. Ah ! this time it's serious. Ida has spumed my affec- tion and the kindness I have shown her. Jo. They say that she ruins you. my commander. There wms another nigger minstrel came this morning ; and tlie nigger minstrels are like the army-worms when they commence to come. CoL. On my return I will arrange all my affairs. Good-by. Jo. Good-by, my commander. DOONEll's TEIP. 9 Col. iGoing and returning.) You will write me at Clifton, Canada. You will tell me all the news about your health. Jo. {Flattered.) My commander is very kind. CoL. And afterward you will tell me if any one feels cha- -^rined at my departure ; if any one cries— weeps — sheds tears? Jo. Who, who, my commander ? Col. By heavens ! she, Ida. Jo. You will take her back, my commander ? CoL. Never. Jo. This makes the eighth time. It gives me pain to see a brave man like you harassed by creditors and for whom— for a — CoL. Never mind, all right, give me my valise and write me at Clifton, to-morrow, or this evening. Good-by. \^Exit arch up, Jo. Good luck, my commander. {Aside.) HeUl be back before a week. Oh ! my commander. [^Exit 1 l. Mils. D. {Coming forward.) I'm tired of waiting. DooN. {Enters.) Well, at last the thing is done. I've got my tickets and I've got my checks. Mrs. D. Thank patience ! PoRTEK. Sir, don't forget the Porter if you please. DooN. O yes ; wait. {He 'brings Ms -wife and daughter near.) Wliat do you think I ought to give him ; ten cents ? [ Gong ready, Mrs. D. Fifteen. Jos. A quarter. DooN. Very well, a quarter goes. Take it, my boy. Porter. Thank you, sir. DooN. One moment, Josephine. Take your d-a — di-ary and Vv'rite. Mrs. D. Already ! DooN. Expenses : Carriage, a dollar fifty ; railroad, $33.75 ; porter, 25 cents. Jos. It's done. DooN. Wait — impressions. Mrs. D. He's positively insupportable. DooN. Adieu, Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love, where every man's heart and hand — {Gong sounds. People hurry in.) Mrs. D. There's the bell. You'll make us miss the train. DooN. Come along, we will finish that later. {They hurry in.) [Horace and Willie loth run in and hit each other at opposite sides in front of ticket hole.] AViLL. Take care there. HoR. Pay attention yourself. Will. {Astonished.) Horace ! HoR. Why, W^iU I Will. Tou are leaving ? HoR. This instant, and you ? 10 D002^'EK's tkip. Will. I also. Hon. That's delightful. We'll take the trip together. I have got some excellent cigars. And where are you going ? Will. My dear boy, I don't know yet. HoR. Ha ! that's odd. No more do I. I have taken a ticket as far as Elmira. Will. Indeed I and so have 1. I am in pursuit of a charming young lady. HoR. Hello ! So am I. Will. The daughter of a pork-packer. HoR. Dooner ? Will. Dooner. HoR. It's the same lady. Will. But I love her, my dear Horace. HoR. I love her just as much, my dear Will. Will. I want to marry her. HoR. I — I am going to ask her hand, which is about the same thing. Will. But we can't both marry her. HoR. It's forbidden in Philadelphia. Will. What shall we do ? HoR. It's very simple. Since we are on the same journe}^, let us gayly continue our trip — try to please, to make her love us, each one for himself. Will. {Smiling.) Then it's a tournament ? HoR. A loyal battle, and friendly. If you are the conqueror, I will bow my head. If I succeed, you yield gracefully to me. Is it a bargain ? Will. Bravo ! I accept. HoR. The hand before the battle. Will. And the hand and heart after. Shake hands. {Go for ticlcets.) [Enter Mrs Spoopendyke and Clara.] Mrs. S. Now I hope you arc satisfied, Clara. Clara. Yes, Aunty. My ! it's absurd. Mrs. S. I had no sooner determined to follov/ this millionaire pork-packer to Niagara, for I learned where he was going, than I find Mr. Walbridge and Mr. Rittenhouse in pursuit. Clara. Yes, Aunty. My ! it's quite absurd. Mrs. S. Yf hat are they after ? I ask myself. They don't want to get him to take shares in a mine. I do. I want to monopolize the entire mining operations of the Dooners, What is their little game, Clara ? Clara. Yes, Auntv. Mrs. S. I tumbled*: Clara. What, Aunty ? Mks. S. I tumbled to their precious dodge. Clara. Peihaps. dooner's trip. 11 Mrs. S. Dooner is ricL. Dooner has a daughter, an only daughter. They are both after Josephine. Clara. Why, it's absurd ! Mrs. S. They are both eligible, rich, good-looking. Clara. Very. Mrs. S. One of them will get refused. Clara. I should hope so. Mrs. S. a man piqued with a refusal jumps at the next giil he sees. Clara. Yes. Mrs. S. And there is your chance, my dear. Clara. My, Aunty, it's absurd ! Mrs. S. We follow. We cultivate the Dooners, and when the precious moment arrives you shall be Mrs. Walbridge or Mrs. Rittenhouse. And I — I shall dispose of some shares in the new mine. Boon. {Enters.) I tell you that I've got time. HoR. Hold ! Our f ather-in-law\ ' [ Gong ready. Boon. {To loolc-stall.) Young woman, I want a book for my wife and my daughter, a book that doesn't talk about love, nor money, nor politics, nor marriage, nor death. HoR. {Aside.) " Robinson Crusoe. " Bookman. I've got it. Here you are, sir. {Giving looTc.) Doox. {Beading.) The History of the Permanent Exposition Twenty-five cents. You svfear to me that — {Bell sounds, he runs.) Good-da}^ Will. Follow him. HoR. Follow, follow. I wish I knew where we are going. Mrs. S. Follow him. Follow them, Clara. [Bassengers hurry in with satchels, etc, \ Dooner. {Beturning.) Adieu, Philadelphia, City of Broth- ! erly Love — (Gong sounds.) ^ Tel. Boy. Telegraphs to all parts of the world. Rate to New York only fifteen cents ! ACT II. SCENE. — Niagara Falls on the Canada side. The water on the Canada side rolls over the ledge ichich rakes from l. to c. u. s. The American fall iioiirs over^ facing ii. c. The hm^izon discloses the milage of Niagara in the distance. Hotels, etc. Tiny Amer- ican flags, Ooat Island, foliage, rocJcs, etc. AgroundraicofhroJcen stone and shruWery mashs the fall, l)ehind ichich rises the vapor from the falls, and against ichich is tliroicn arahibow. The dis- tant sky is of a deep transparent hlue, which worlcs icith lights dozen for i^ain-storm. At right u. s. is a small shed with door practiccdjle, lahelled ' ' Under the Falls. ' ' A two-story huilding tvith piazza, practicable door, exterior la7nps (unlighted), sign '* Museum Hotel,'''' from r. prosceniuin to third entrance. A taUe and some chairs are in front of the hotel. An English flag from top of hotel. A high ornamental garden wcdl skirts the left from proscenium to third entrance, behind ichich are trees omcl shrubbery. ^W° This scene, conceded by excellent judges one of the most effectite, will be patented. The cost of construction is ex- tremely moderate. Invented in all details by leonard Grover, [Enter at rise around corner of hotel, Horace, Willie, Mrs. Spoopendyke, Clara, Landlord, ct?id Guide.] I Land. Will the ladies and gentlemen have something else ? I HoR. Some coffee presently. Op. Won't the ladies and gentlemen have their pictures taken with the falls for a background ? Indian Saleswoman. Will the ladies have any bead-work, moccasins, slippers, belts, caps, lamp-mats, fans, all made by the Indians ? Another. Will the ladies and gentlemen see the panorama of the winter views of the falls, grand and imposing ? HoR. I've no doubt, imposing ; most everything here has been so far. [TouTERS exit. Mrs. S. (To Clara, aside.) Clara, the Dooners have gone above the falls to look at the rapids. Cla. I know it, Aunty. Mrs. S. We waste our time here. The refusal comes from them. Our place is there. ('la. Very well. Mrs. S. Besides, Dooner is lecturing Josephine on the geology of the falls. He likes us to listen. From geology to mining is an easy step. Come. dooxer's tkip. 13 Cla. My, Aunty, it's so absurd ! [Exit loth, AViLL. Landlord, give the driver something to drink. Land. This way, sir. [Both exit round corner, HoR.. Will, old fellow. ^ Will. My dear boy. ' HoR. The siege is laid, and we have commenced the attack. Will. We came in the same car with the Dooner family. HoR. At Elmira we were at the same hotel. Will. So were the Spoopendykes. HoR. And again at Rochester. Will. So were the Spoopendykes, HoR. You proposed the Genesee Falls. Will. We arrived together at Niagara. HoR. And every time we met in a new place the papa ex- claimed, " What a fortunate coincidence ! " Will. Last night you learned that they were going to the Canada side ; this morning you aroused me with the sun like a thoroughbred. HoR. That's our programme ; hunt the game loyally. Yfill you join me in an omelette ? Will. Thanks, my dear boy. I ought to tell you that at Eochester Miss Dooner looked at me distinctly three times. HoR. And me, four Will. The deuce ! This is getting serious. HoR. I believe she prefers us both. This may go on a long time before she makes a choice ; luckily, w^e are men of leisure. Will. Ah ! explain how you are able to keep away from your sugar-refinery so long. IIoR. Oh, advantage of partners. One is at Cape May, another at Newport. We have faithful men, and the rej&ner}'" runs itself. But you, a banker, it appears to me that you travel a great deal. Will. Oh, our banking-house doesn't occupy me much. My capital represents me. I am a banker — HoR. Amateur ! Will. I haven't, like you, a fall trade that I must get ready for. HoR. That's so. Therefore, from this on, we make war in earnest. Will Very well. War be it, but like two friends. I had for a moment the idea to yield the place to you ; but I love Jo- sephine seriously. HoR. I was going to make you the same sacrifice. At Elmira I had half a mind to yield to you and flirt with Clara, but Jo- sephine— Will. She is so pretty. HoR. So sweet. Will. So blonde. Hoii. And eyes I 14 DOONEll's TKir. Will. Just as I love tliem. HoR. Therefore I remained. AViLL. You coulclo't do otherwise. (Blses,) HoR. Good hjck to you. It's a pleasure to have you for an adversary, olcl fellow. Will. My dear Horace I (Going.) HoR. Where are you going ? Will. No particular place. I think I'll go out and meet the ladies. HoR. And the coffee. Will. I w^on't take any. Au revoir. [E.vit l. n. IIOR. What an excellent hoy he is ! all heart, all fire ; but lieart and fire won't fill a man's stomach healthily. lie has gone without taking his coffee. Hallo I Waiter ! Land. Sir. HoR. The coffee. (The Landlord brinrjs it. Horace lights a cigar.) Land. It is served, sir. (Horace talces seat at talJe r. andjnits one leg on Will's chair.) HoR. Bring up that other chair. That will do. (He jnits the other leg vp.) Thanks. Poor Will ! He hunts on the go, under the broiling sun, and I — I wait who will reach the goal first. We have the fable of the hare and the tortoise. Land. (Bringing register.) Sir, would you like to write something in the visitors' book ? HoR. I — I never write after my meals — seldom before. Here vre see the delicate and ingenious thoughts of the visitors. (Beading.) ''It is fine to admire the grandeur of the water, surrounded by your wife. Signed, W. V. Cake, Bakersville." " Surrounded by your wife" is good ! '^Traveller, pause. Don't forget the Mastodon Harmonists at Brock Hall to-night." Working in a little business. " The view from this side is sub- lime. Myself and family had our pictures taken in the act of looking at it. Cyrus Thompson, Wheatville." Oh! what stupid donkeys my countrymen are when they travel. (Cries and tu- midticithout.) . [Music, shorty hurry. Land. Oh I ray heavens I HoR. What's the matter ? [DooNER u. L. enters sustained hy his wife and. the guide and Mrs. Spoopendyke and Clara and Will. J Will. Quick. Some brandy ! HoR. What has happened ? Jos. My father barely escaped being drowned. HoR. Is it possible ? DooN. . (Seated.) Caroline, Josepliine ! Ah ! I feel ])ettcr now. Mrs. S. Thank Heaven ! Jos. {Giving him the glass.) Drink! that will do you good. DOONEK S TKIP. lo DooN. Thanks. Mes. D. It's all your fault ; you ought not to have gone near the rapids. DooN. I Yfas testing the velocity of the water, when my feet slipped. Jos. And if Mr. Rittenhouse hadn't caught him in another instant he would have been in the rapids. Mes. D. He was there. The rapids were rolling him and bobbing him like a cork. We shrieked for help. Jos. Then Mr. Willie stretched out his hand. Cla. With such courage and coolness. Mes. D. You are our saviour. Without you my husband, my poor husband, w^ould have gone over the falls to Heaven. (Weeiys.) Will. The danger is past. Mrs. Dooner, be calm. Mes. D. No. {Weeimig.) It does me good to cry. You leave the velocity alone, won't you ? You don't love us. Jos. {To Will.) Permit me to express to you our deepest thanks. I shall treasure a remembrance of this day all my life. ( Goes to him and takes Ms liand. ) Will. Ah ! Miss Josephine ! DooN. Y^es, yes, Mr. Rittenhouse. No — let me call you Willie. Will. Why, certainly, Mr, Dooner. DooN. Willie, give me your hand. I don't know how to ex- press it. But as long as it beats, you will have a place in the heart of Dooner. I can only say that, but what I feel — Mes. D. I thank you, Mr. Willie. Jos. I thank you, Mr. Willie. Will. Miss Josephine. Hoe. {Aside.) I commence to think I did wrong in taking my coffee. Mes. S. {To Claea.) You will be Mrs. Walbridge, my dear. {To Landloed.) You can order our carriage and we wdll re- turn. Cla. My, Aunty, it's so absurd ! [Exit loitli Mes. S. Mes. D. Y^ou can order our carriage and we wdll return. DooN. Not at all, my dear. I don't feel the slightest incon- venience from the w^et. And I want to go under the falls. They say that's a damp trip, and — Land. I can give the gentleman some clothes, and dry his own while he goes under tiie falls. DooN. Good ! Take me to them at once. Land, This way, sir. Mes. D. Come, j)apa. Au re voir, Mr. Rittenhouse. Jos. Au revoir, Mr. Rittenhouse. DooN. Ah, Willie I {Offering hand.) While this— No, I'm too wet. [All four exit into hotel. Yf ILL. What do you think of that, my dear Horace ? 16 DOONEr's TKIP. HoR. '^Yhafc can I ? It's in the air. You saved the father's life. It wasn't in the programme. Will. It was a lucky chance. Hon. The papa calls you Willie, the mother weeps, and the daughter addresses you sentimentally. I am vanquished, it's clear, and I can do nothing but gracefully concede you the vic- tory. Will. Oh, old fellow, you're joking. HoR. I joke so little that to-night I leave for Philadelphia. Will. Indeed I HoR. Where on your return you willlind a friend who wishes you every success. Will. Thanks. HoR. One last regret ! Will. Ah, pardon, old fellow. I will not permit you to make this sacrifice. HoR. Sacrifice? Listen, my dear bo}^ I do not make you the slightest sacrifice. If I leave the field, it's because I believe I have no chance. And even now, should a chance offer, no matter how small, I remain. Will. Ah! HoR. It's strange, since Josephine escapes me, it appears to me that I love her more than ever. Yv^iLL. I can understand that ; so I will not ask of you the service I had intended. IIoR. What ? Will. No, nothing. HoR. Speak, I beg. Will. I had thought, since you were going, to beg you to see Mr. Dooner, and in conversation to touch upon my position and my hopes. HoR. The deuce I Will. I can't do it myself. I should have the appearance of claiming a price for the service I rendered him. HoR. In effect, you want me to ask Josephine's hand for you. That is original, don't you know ? Will. You decline the honor ? HoR. No, Will, I accept. Will. Tlianks, old friend. HoR. Agree that I am a generous rival. (Dooner's Toice lieard.) 1 hear the father-in-law. Go, smoke a cigar, and re- turn. Will. I don't know how to thank tou, my dear fellow. IIoR. Take it easy. I shall draw it mild. [Will exits l. u. Doox. (Enters speahing off.) Certainly he saved my life, certainly he did. And as long as it beats, tlie heart of Dooner — I told him. HoR. Ah, ]Mr. Dooner, you feel better ? Doox. Very much. I am going to drink three fingers of Can* doonek's tkip. 17 ada brandy, and I shall skip down the stah's under the falls. But wixere's your friend ? HoR. He's taking a little walk. DooN. He's a brave young man. My wife and daughter wor- ship him. Hoii. Oh, when they know him better — a heart of gold, oblig- ing, devoted, and modesty itself. DooN. Modesty is rare. Hon. And as he's a banker — he is a banker. DooN. Indeed ! HoR. Partner in the house of Bombax, Traquire & Co. It's flattering to have a fellow's life saved by a banker, eh ? Be- cause he did save your life, eh I eh ! Without him — DooN. Certainly, certainly I It was very genteel in him. HoR. (Astonished.) Genteel ? DooN. Certainly, quite genteel. You wouldn't underrate the merit of his action, would you ? HoR. I underrate him ? DooN. My gratitude will end only with my life. That's it. As long as the heart of Dooner beats. But, between us, the little assistance he gave me was not so great as my wife and my daughter imagine. HoR. {Astonisfied.) Nonsense ! Doox. Yes, they have got it on the brain. You know these women — HoR. But when Will caught you, you were rolling in the rapids ? DooN. I commenced to roll in the rapids, yes, that's true, I rolled, but with a presence of mind astonishing. I perceived an elderberry bush leaning over the water ; I raised my hand, and was just about to grab it wdien your friend seized me. HoR. {Aside.) Ha, ha 1 w^e shall soon find that he saved his own life. DooN. Oh, I think none the less of his good intentions. I count on seeing him again, and to reiterate my thanks. I shall invite him some time this winter. HoR. {Aside.) To a cup of tea. Doox. It appears that this is not the first time that a similar accident has occurred. The landlord tells me that several years since, a gentleman attached to the suite of the Prince of Wales — the Prince — splendid man — belonged to the nobility, was rolling in the same rapids. HoR. Indeed ! DooN. His driver pulled him out. You see anybody can pull you out. Very well. The baronet — for I think he was a baro- net — gave him twenty dollars. IIoR. And ver3^ well paid. DooN. I believe you, for it's w^orth just about that. HoR. Not a cent more. {Aside.) Oh, but I don't leave for Philadelphia ! lb l>OONEK8 TKir. Doox. {Rising.) Where's the guide ? What keeps our guide ? HoR. Are the ladies ready ? Doox. No, they won't go under the falls. But I count upon you. HoR. And upon Tv^ill ? Doox. If he wishes to be one of us, I shall certainly not re- fuse the company of Mr. Rittenhouse. HoR. {Aside.) Mr. Rittenhouse I He's losing his grip. Oh, decidedly, I don't leave for Philadelphia I Land. {Enters.) Sir, the guide is ready. Here are your waterproofs. Doox. Ah, yes ! It appears that it streams, and that it's slippery down there, and as I don^t want to be under any further obligation — Laxd. {Giving the look.) Will the gentlemen write some- thing in the visitors' book ? Doox. Certainly. But I wouldn't care to Y%^rite anything or- dinary. I must think of something — a little idea, a pretty thought. {Giving hacJc look.) I will dream of it while I'm get- ting that three fingers of Canada brandy. {To Horace.) I am with you in a moment. [Exitfolloiced ly Laxdlord. HoR. {Alone.) The pork-packer is a paragon of ingratitude. Will. {Enters.) Yery well ? HoR. Poor boy ! Will. Have you seen him ? HoR. Yes. Will. Have you spoken with him ? HoR. I have spoken with him. Will. Then you made mv request ? HoR. No! Will. No ! Why ? HoR. We promised to be frank. Yery well, my dear Willie. I don't leave. Will. Ah, that makes a difference. May I ask what has changed your determination ? HoR. Something — or rather the lack of something — and I expect to use it. AViLL. Indeed ! HoR. I propose to take another road and arrive quicker. Will. All right. You are entitled to take it. HoR. But the tournament continues none the less loyal and amicable. Will. Yes. HoR. There's a '' yes " a little dry. Will. {Giving hand.) Pardon, Horace, I promise it. HoR. Fortune favor us I Doox. (Entering.) I ^m ready. Ah ! Mr. Rittenhouse. Will- You find yourself recovered from the effects of your wettino- ? DO oner's TFvIP^ 19 DooN. Entirely. Don't speak of the little accident. It is forgotten. HoR. (Aside.) Forgotten, the rapids washed it away. DooN. We are going under the falls. Are you with us ? Will. I'm a little tired. I'll ask permission to remain here. DooN. Don't incommode yourself. (To Landlohd.) Ah, Mr. Landlord, now you may giv^e me the visitors' book. {Sits and tcrites.) Hon. (Aside.) He appears to have found his little thought, his pretty thought. DooN. (Beading.) " How small man, w^ith all his intellecfc, finds himself, when he stands on this side and looks Niagara in the face !" HoR. Heavens ! that's strong. Will. (Aside.) Flatterer. Do;>X- There are men who woaldn't think themselves small standing by the side of Niagara. (Modestly.) It isn't the opinion of the whole of mankind. HoR. (Aside.) Neither is the orthography. He has written Niagara Nig-er-y. DooN. (To Lakdlord, aloiit to close looJc.) Take care. It isn't dry yet. Land. The guide is ready. Doox. Forward ! Under the falls. HoR. Forward I [Both exit with guide doicn falls. Will. What a singular change in the mind of Horace ! The ladies are here. They will be out before long. I shall see her. I shall speak to her. Land. (Entering.) This way, sir. Col. (Entering.) I sha'n't stay but a minute. I start di- rectly to take a look at the falls. Order a glass of brandy and water for Colonel Calhoun Bumgartner. Land. Yes, sir. Colonel Calhoun Baumgartner. [Exit. Col. (Seeing loolc.) Ah, the visitors' book. Let us see. (Beading.) " How small man, w^ith all his intellect, finds him self, when he stands on this side and looks Niggery in the face." Behold a gentleman who merits a lesson in spelling. ' ' ( Writes in 'booh.) Land. (Enters with glass.) Ready, sir. A letter for you, sir. (He pauses near table at r.) Col. For me ? (Opens letter.) Beads : '^ She didn't shed a tear, O my commander — " (Hides it^ chagrined.) Land. Anything else ? Col. ( While icriting in loolc.) Ah, Mr. Landlord. Land. Sir. Col. Tou don't happen to have among the persons who have stopped with yon this morning a visitor named William Bittenhoiise 1 Will. That is my name, sir. 20 DO oner's trip. Col. You, sir, j)ardon me. (To Landlord.) Leave us. {Exit Landlord.) Is it Mr. William Eittenhouse, of the firm of Bombax, Traquire & Co., Philadelphia, to whom I have the honor of speaking ? Will. Yes, sir. Col. I am Colonel Baumgartner, of the Louisiana Tigers. {Sits and drirJcs.) Will. Enchanted. But I don't remember to have the ad- vantage of your acquaintance, Colonel. Col. Indeed. Then permit me to acquaint you with the fact that you have pursued me out of my country into Canada on ac- count of a check that I had the imprudence to put in circulation. Will. A check ? Col. You have obtained a warrant for my arrest. Will. It's possible. Colonel. But it is not I ; it is the House who act. Col. I presume. Very well. I hold no resentment against you nor your House. I am a bad book-keeper. I thought I had the money when I drew the check. It appears I had not. Only permit me to tell you that I didn't leave Philadelphia on ac- count of your w^arrant. Will. I don't doubt it. CoL. On the contrary, as soon as I arrive in Philadelphia in a fortnight, perhaps sooner, I shall make it known to you, and I shall be infinitely obliged if you will have me put in Moya- mensing just as soon as possible. Will. You are using a little pleasantry. Colonel. Col. ISTot the least in the world. I ask it of you as a favor. Will. I assure you that I don't quite comprehend your idea. Col. My heavens ! I am myself a little embarrassed in ex- plaining. Pardon me, are you a bachelor ? Will. Yes, Colonel. Col. Oh, then, I can make my confession. I have the misfor- tune to have a weakness. I am in love. Will. You? Col. It's very ridiculous, isn't it, at my age ? W^iLL. I don't say that. Col. Oh, don't disguise it. lam stuck on a little fool that I met one evening at a ball in Sansom Street. She is named Ida. Will. Ida — I think I know — one. Col. Probably the same. I thought to amuse myself for a little wiiile, and now, for three years, she holds me as a cat does a mouse. She deceives me, she ruins me, she laughs in my face. I pass my life in buying furniture vvdiich she sells the next day. I want to quit her. I leave. I go to two Imndred places. I arrive at JSTiagara, and I am not sure that I don't re- turn to Philadelphia to-night. It's stronger than I am. Love at fifty. You see, it's like the rheumatism, nothing cures it. Will. {Laughing.) Colonel, I did not need this confidence DO oner's Trap. 21 to stop the proceedings of my firm. I Tvill write immediately to Philadelphia — Col. Not at all. Don't write. I want to be imprisoned. It is perhaps a way to cure me of it. I have nothing else left to try. Will. But, Colonel— Col. No, imprison me, I beg. The ]nw is in my favor. Will. Very well, Colonel. As you wish it. Col. I beg it of you ; — instantly, as soon as I return, I will send you my address and you can proceed. I nm always at home before ten. {Bowing. Grosses to u. l.) Sir, I am happy to have the honor of making your acquaintance. Will. The honor is mine, Colonel. {They salute.. The Colonel exits l. u. e.) Such is life. Pie is not half a bad one. {Seeing Mrs. D., ulio enters.) Ah, Mrs. Dooner. Mrs. D. Ah, Mr. Rittenhouse. I thought you had accom- panied Mr. Dooner and the gentlemen. Will. I was under the falls last year, and I asked Mr. Doon- er's permission to place mself at your orders. Mrs. D. Ah, sir ! {Aside.) He is entirely a man of the world. {Aloud.) You admire Niagara very much ? Will. {Half yawning.) Oh! it's necessary to go somewhere. Mrs. D. I wouldn't like to live here always ; too much noise and mist. I like quiet. My family is from Bucks County. Will. Indeed ! Mrs. D. Near Doylestown. Will. {Aside.) We ought to have a correspondent at Doylestown ; we have. {Aloud.) Are you acquainted with Mr. Pepperhorn at Doylestown ? SIrs. D. {BuTjJTued.) Pepperhorn? He's my cousin. Are you acquainted with him ? Will. Intimatelyo {Aside.) I never saw him. Mrs. D. What a charming man ! Will. Yes, yes. Mrs. D. It is such a pity that he has his infirmity. Will. Certainly, it's a great pit}^ Mrs. D. Deaf at forty-seven. Will. {Aside.) Oh I he's deaf, our correspondent. That's the reason why he never answers our letters. Mrs. D. Isn't it singular that a friend of Pepperhorn's should save my husband's life ? There are very strange coincidences in the world. Will. Often also we attribute to coincidence circumstances of which it is entirely innocent. Mrs. D. {A little confused.) Ah I Oh, yes ! Often also we .ittribute — {Aside.) What did he try to say ? Will. Thus, madam, our meeting on the cars, and at Elmira, afterward at Rochester, and here. You imagine all that to be mere coincidence ? 22 doonek's trip. Mks. D. Ill travelling we often meet. Will. Certainly. And especially when one seeks the other. Mrs. D. How ? Will. Yes, madam, I can no longer play the comedy of coin^ ciclence. I owe 3'ou the truth on your own account as well as your daughter s. Mrs. D. My daughter ? Will. You will pardon me. When I first met her I was touched, charmed. I learned that you were going to Niagara, and I — Mrs. D. You followed us. Will. Sometliing like it. What could I do ? I am in love. Mrs. D. Mr. Rittenhouse ! Will. Yes, madam, with all the respect, all the discretion that a gentleman owes to a young lady, whom he hopes to be happy enough to make his wife. Mrs. D. a marriage proposal, and Dooner not here. (Aloud.) Certainly, Mr. Rittenhouse, sir, I am charmed, flattered, because your position, your appearance, your education — Pepperhorn— the service you have rendered ; but Mr. Dooner is out, — under Niagara Falls, and as soon as he returns — Jos. (Enter lively.) Mamma. (Stopping.) Ah, you are con- versing with Mr. Rittenhouse. Mrs. D. (TrouUed.) We were conversing — that is, yes. We spoke of Pepperhorn. Mr. Willie knows Pepperhorn. Don't you ? Will. Certainly, I am acquainted with Pepperhorn. Jos. Oh I how fortunate. Uncle Pepperhorn ! Mrs. D. (To Josephine.) My child, how your hair is dressed, and your dress, your collar. (Low.) Arrange it. Jos. (Astonished.) What does all this mean? (Cries and twmidt tcithout. Music. Hurry.) Mrs. D. and Jos. Ah I Mv heavens I Will. What is it ? [Horace, sustained. Jry Dooner and Guide, enter.'] DooN. (Very excited.) Quick, some water, some salt, some vinegar, some brandy I All. What ails him ? DooN. A terrible accident I Make him drink ! Rub his temples I HoR. Thanks. I feel better. Will. What has happened to him ? HoR. But for the courage of Mr. Dooner. DooN. No, no, you mustn't speak. You are not strong enough. (Recounts.) It was horrible. We were at the very bottom of the steps under the Falls. Niagara poured above us, calm and majestic — iioii. (Aside.) Tlie bov stood on the burning deck. dooner's Trap. 23 Mrs. D. But buriy, tell us. Jos. Fattier ! Doox. In an instant. What's the matter ? For five minutes we followed each other wrapped in pensive contemplation, Ni- agara pouring over us, calm and majestic, when suddenly we came upon two steps separated by a deep crevasse slippery with moss. I marched before — Mrs. D. What imprudence I DooN. All at once I heard behind me a noise, as though some- thing was falling. I turned. Mr. Wallbridge had disappeared. In an instant I returned. I saw him. He had fallen upon a ledge of rock below. Beyond which the boiling waters seethed to the distant bottom. The very look made me shudder. Mrs. D. Dooner I DooN. Then forgetting that I was the father of a familj^ — listeniug to nothing but bis danger — I threw myself — Mrs. D. and Jos. Heavens ! DooN. Upon my hands and knees I extended my hand to him — he grasped it. I pulled — he pulled — we both pulled. My fears redoubled my strength, and at last we brought him up insensi- ble, once more to the light of the sun, and under the broad blue of the heavens. {Putting his Jiandkerdiiefto his face.) Jos. O papa ! [Landlord, Photographer, r. ; Willie, Horace, c. ; Jos., Mrs. D., L.J Mrs. D. My poor Dooner ! DooN. {Emhracing his wife and daughter.) Yes, my children, it was a fortunate circumstance. Will. (J'*^ Horace.) How do you find yourself ? Hon. (Loio.) Very well — don't be uneasy. {Rising.) Mr. Dooner, you have brought back a son to his mother. DooN. {Majestically.) I have. HoR. A brother to his sister. DooN. And a man to society. HoR. Words lack power to recount such a service. DooN. They do. HoR. It is only the heart you understand — the heart — Doox. Mr. Walbridge. ]^o — let me call you Hoi'ace. HoR. With pleasure. {Aside.) Every one in his turn. Doox. (Tremljling icith affection.) Horace, my friend, my child, your hand. {Hand.) I owe to you the sweetest emotions of my life. But for me you would now be a shapeless mass on the rocks beneath the torrent. You owe me all — all. {Nobility/ crosses.) I shall never forget it, never I HoR. Nor 1 1 DooN. {Crosses r. c.) {To Will.) Ah, young man, you don't know the pleasure one feels when he has saved his fellow creature. 24: dooxer's trip. Jos. But, papa, he knows it well ; for only just now — DooN. Ah I Oh, yes ! That is true. Mister Landlord, bring me the visitor's book. [Willie k. corn€?\] Mrs. D. What for ? DooN. Before quitting these scenes I desire to consecrate by a sentiment the remembrance of this event. ^ Land. Here it is, sir. DooN. Thanks— Hai I What is this ? AYho wrote this ? All. What? DooN. ( Write this in hooJc.) {Reading.) I desire to observe to ]\Ir. Dooner that if he wants to look niggery in the face he need- another g, but if ho means Niagara, one or two a's will do a?, well Signed, Col. Baumgartner. [Josephi2>^e crosses down R. c. to Doox. All. Hai ! What ? Jos. {Low to DooN.) Yes, papa, Niagara has not a y at the end. DooN. I know it. I will answer this gentleman. (Writing.) {Beading.) The Col. is a jackass. Signed, Dooner. {It rains.) Land. The carriage is ready. DooN. Let us start. Gentlemen, if vou will accept a place. {Both low.) Mrs. D. {Umbrella.) {Calling J)oo:ser aside.) Dooner, assist me with my shawl. {Low.) Some one proposed to marry Jo- sephine. Doox. Hai ! So they did to m.e also. Mrs. D. It was Mr. Willie Rittenhouse. DooN. My man was Horace — my friend Horace. 3[rs. D. But it appears to me that Willie — DooN. We will talk of it later. Jos. My ! how it rains I DooN. The deuce ! How many will the carriage hold ? Land. Four inside, and one with the driver. DooN. That's just the number. Will. Don't inconvenience yourselves for me. DooN. Horace, take a seat with us. Jos. {Loio to Dooner.) And Mr. Rittenhouse ? DooN. My heavens ! there are only four seats. He can sit with the driver. Jos. In such a rain ? Mrs. D. a man who saved your life. DooN. I will lend him the umbrella. Jos. Ah! DooN. Come, come ! All aboard I HoR. {Aside.) No, I don't leave for Philadelphia. Not much ! [Enter from all sides Touters. WonH theladieshuy^ etc. Will the gentlemen, etc.\ DOONER S TRIP. 25 Op. {With camera.) Won't the gentlemen have their pic- tures taken in the rain, with Falls for a background ? [ The speeches and action of the Toutees are simultaneous^ to malce curtain lively.] Curtain. ACT III. SCENE. — Parlor at Dooner's, richly furnished, doors r. & L. & c. Also L. 1st c. D. is main entrance from Jiall^ from street^ to dining-room and c. Door r., apartment of the Spoopen- DYKEs. Door L., apartment of Mrs. D., with Josephine's teyond. Door l. first leads to Dooner's Library. ChoArs^ sofas, oimaments, etc, TaMe c, icith writing materials and card-re- ceiver on it. Alice. {Alone, sitting in a chair.) A quarter to twelve to- day ]\Ir. Dooner returns from his trip with his wife and daugliter. I received a letter from him yesterda3\ Here it is. Long Branch, August 24th. Sweep out, dust and air the rooms. {Speahs.) It is done. {Reads.) Tell Mammy, the cook, to have dinner ready for us. Tell her to make some snapper soup, and as we have had nothing but hotel dinners for this long time, tell her to buy a couple of woodcock. See that they are quite fresh. If the w^oodcock are too dear, let her get a loin of veal with onions. {Speal:s.) Mr. Dooner can come ; everything is read3^ Here are his papers, his letters ; the cards of all the callers. Ah, there came this morning early a gentleman whose acquaint- ance is new to us. He told me his name was Colonel — Colonel {Reads card.) Bungstarter, there's a name for you. He can pass anywhere. {Bell rings.) Ah the bell. It's Dooner, I know his ring. [£^?i^6?* Dooner, Mrs. Dooner, and Josephine, carrying tneirjiar- cels and lags. Mrs. Spoopendyke and Clara. J DooN. Here we are, Alice. Al. Ah, sir ! Mrs. Dooner ! Miss Josephine I ( Talxs their things.) DooN. Ah, but it's sweet to return home again. Sweet home, be it ever so. Welcome, welcome I Alice, did you get the mosquito bar out ? Al. Yes, sir. Mrs. D. We ought to have been home a week ago. DooN. Long Branch led to Asbury Park, and Ocean Grove let us out. Has any one called expecting us ? (Mrs. Dooner shows Mrs. Sp.oopendyke and Clara into room right.) This ^vay, Mrs. Spoopendyke. [Exit all three. Al. Yes, sir. The cards are on the table. Doon. { 2 akijig cards, reads.) Ah! Will. Rittenhouse. Jos. {With joy.) Oh ! Mr. Rittenhouse I [Mrs. Dooner returns.] DOOM Ell's TKIP. 27 DooN. (Reading other cards.) Horace Walbridge — cliarming young man. Will. Rittenliouse and Horace Walbridge. Mag- nificent young man, AYill. Rittenliouse. Al. The young men have been here every day to inquire. Mrs. D. You owe them a visit. DooN. Certainly — I shall call on him ; my splendid Horace ! Jos. And Mr. Rittenhouse. DooN. I shall go to see him also, later. (Rises.) Jos. (2'o Alice.) Help me to carry in these pictures. Al. Yes, Miss. (Regarding Dooner.) Sir, you have grow^n stouter. It's easy to see you've had a fine trip. DooN. Splendid, Alice, splendid. Ah, you don't know. I saved a man's life. Al. (Incredidoiis.) O sir ! Mr. Dooner ! Xonsense ! yExit tcith Josephine l. Doox. Hai, nonsense ! She's a fool. Mks. D. Now that we have returned, I hope you will decide between these young men. Two young men are one too many. DooN. I haven't changed my mind. I like Horace better. Mrs. D. Why ? DooN. I don't know why. I find him more — in fact, he pleases me. Mrs. D. But the other, Willie, saved your life. DooN. He saved my life. The same old story. Mrs. *D. What have you to object to in him ? His fam- ily is honorable ; his position excellent. DooN. My heavens ! I don't object to anytliing particularly. I don't care anything about him. Mrs. D. It only lacked that ! DooN. You see I find him a little overbearing. Mrs. D. What ? Mr. Rittenliouse overbearing ? DooN. He has the tone of a protector— a sort of I'11-take-care- of-you style. It seems to me that he never forgets the little service that he rendered. Mrs. D. The other repeats without cessation. "Oh, but for you ! Ah, but for you !" That flatters your vanity, and that is why you prefer him. Boon. Me — vanity ! I have perhaps the rifrlit to be vain. Mrs. D. Oh I DooN. Yes, madam, the man who has risked his life to save his fellow-creature ma}' well be proud of himself. But I prefer to maintain a modest silence. A style characteristic of true cour- age. Mrs. D. But that doesn't prevent Mr. Rittenliouse — DooN. Josephine doesn't love him. She can't love him. Mrs. D. What do you know about it ? DooN. Oh, I suppose — Mrs. D. There is one way to ascertain, and that is to question her. And we will agree on the one she prefers. 28 DOOXER S TRIP. DooN. Good ! All right ! But don't influence her. Mks. D. Here she is. (Josephi]se enters i,. and comes down l. ^'DooNER.) Josephine, my dear child, ^ye want to speak to you seriously. Jos. To me ? DooN. Yes. Mrs. D. You are now at an age to marry. Two young gen- tleman have presented themselves and asked for your hand. Both are satisfactory. But we don't wish to control your choice, and we have resolved to leave you at liberty to make your own. Jos. How so ? DooN. You pick and choose yourself. Mrs. D. One of the young men is Mr. Vrillie Rittenhouse. Jos. {Pleased.) Ah ! Indeed I DooN. {Quick,} Don't influence her. Mrs. D. The other is Mr. Horace Wallbridge. DooN. A chaiming young man, distinguished, spirituelle, and who, I do not liesitate to say, has all my sympathies. Mrs. D. But you are influencing her. DooN. Not at all. I state a fact. Now you are free. Choose ! Jos. You embarrass me very much. Which do you prefer ? DooN. Na, no. Clioose yourself. Mrs. D. Speak, my child. Jos. Very well ; since it's absolutely necessary to make a choice, I prefer Mr. Rittenhouse. Mrs. D. There I DooN. Rittenhouse ! Why not Horace ? Jos. But Mr, Rittenhouse saved your life, papa. DooN. There it goes again. It's tiresome. My heavens ! Mrs. D. Very well. You see it's no use hesitating longer. Doox. Ah, but permit me, my dear wife, a father cannot tiuis lightly throw off his obligations ! I will reflect. T will mak(^ some inquiries. Mrs. I). Mr, Dooner, tliat's not keeping faitli. DooN. Caroline ! [Mrs. Spoopexdyke cDid Clara return r., having removed wraps.] Cla. We are charmed with our rooms, Mrs. Dooner. {Bow and smile.) [HucKLESTOXE cuul Alice enter.] Al. Come in— they have just arrived. DooN. Plello I It's Hucklestone I HucK. {Bowing.) I learned that you were coming to-day. Therefore, I demanded leave of absence. I said that I was sick. DooN. My dear friend, that's very kind. {Introducing. JVIrs. Spoopendyke, Mtss Clara.) You dine with us. We have some woodcock. DO oxer's teip. 29 HucK. Well, if I'm not in the way— Al. {Low to Doonee.) It's veal and onions. [Exit. DooN. Ah! (7'(9HucK.) Well, nevermind. Your excuse is sufficient. Another time. HucK. {Aside. Others iqx) How, my excuse ? If he thinks that I want his dinner. {I'aMjig Dooi^BH aside.) I came to speak you about the §300 you lent me the day you left. DooN. {Glad.) Ah, you have come to pay me, eh ? HucK. No ; I don't touch my salary till to-morrow — but at noon precisely. Doox. Oh, that doesn't press ! HucK. Excuse me, I want it paid. DooN. Ah, you must know I bought you a present. HucK. A present for me ? [Mrs. D. on the r., standing, faces off and up, tusy at a stand or etagere, hut turns quicJdy for her speeches, Josephine, similar 'business, l. tj. s. The others seated. The adventure is told tcith gusto and spirit, each one apparently trying to have a word. ] [Cla., Doon., Huck., Mrs. S.] DooN. Oh, a little something to show that we thought of you while we were away. When we were at Niagara on the Canada side I bought a pin -cushion and a smoking-cap, all of velvet and bead-work, made by the Indians. Oh, lovely ! Then I heard that kid gloves were a gift on that side, so I bought a dozen of kid gloves — beauties. I said, the cushion is for the cook ; the lamp-mat for Alice, and the gloves for my old friend Hucklestone. Huck. {Aside.) Of course I come after the servants. {Aloud.) Well. Mrs. S. Our driver seemed a very nice fellow, only a lit- Ae too full of fun. The moment we started for the American side, he commenced to tell us to look out for the Custom House officers. You know he {indicating Dooner) is the soul of honor in business, but he didn't want to pay any duties on. such little things as them. Doox. The driver talked as though it would cost about $25. So I drove back to the Canada Hotel, went up to a room and stuck the pin-cushion in the top of my hat. Huck. And the gloves ? DooN. I put them in my bosom under my wrapper. Huck. That was a good idea. DooN. Wasn't it ? Well, as soon as we got in the carriage, that driver began about the Custom House duties ngain. Mrs. S. He said they came and asked questions of all car- riages, but if a man was on foot nothing was said to him. DooN. The day was awful hot, and he said so much abcut it that I got nervous and anxious. 30 DOONEll's TRIP. Mrs. D. I askccl him where the cushion and mat were. He told me that he had sent them by express. Doox. You see I didn't want to let her know, you know. HucK. No ; of course not. DooN. Well, I got so nervous, that when we got in the mid- dle of the suspension bridge I told the driver that I thought I would get out and walk over, so that I could see the rapids better. HucK. And walk past the Custom House ? All. Of course. {Smiling.) Boon. Yes ; the driver grinned. Mrs. S. Away we went, and he followed en foot. DooN. Oh, how hot it was ! There I was, way up above Ni- agara River. The wind blowing. I pulled my hat with the pjin-cushion down on to my head, and I felt as tliough I was walking a tight-rope for my life. I tell you, Hucklestone, how I did wish that pincushion and mat were in Africa. The gloves, I knew, were safe. HucK. Yes, they were safe. Mrs. S. Well, when we got near the shore there was the Cus- tom House right at the end of the bridge. Boon. So I sauntered up to one of the piers, leaned against it, kind a off-hand, and gazed up the river as though to drink in the scene. HucK. That was cool. DooN. Wasn't it ? Well, what do you suppose the devil of a driver did. HucK. What was it ? Mrs. S. We drove just beyond the Custom House and stopped. The Custom House officer came up to the carriage, asked if we had anything dutiable ; we said no, and he went away. DooN. You would have supposed that fool of a driver would have gone on — no — HucK. Stupid ! Mrs. S. There was a railroad depot there, with a lot of coun- trymen standing around, and they all came up staring at us. DooN. Then that driver commenced his funny business. Mrs. S. He called it fooling the gawks. He said, It is strange wdiat a pitch they have brought science to. They almost make a human being. Now, you see that man there. Mrs. D. I turned to look and he pointed to Dooner. Mrs. S. He's got av/ax nose and you can't discover it. He's got a tin ear and yet you can't tell it from the other one. Mrs. D. We thought it was a good joke. DooN. Heavens, what a joke ! The crowd all started for me. I was standing there gazing at the prospect, and trying to look imconcerned, while the cushion, mat, and gloves were eating into mv vitals. All; Ha. ha ! dooner's Trap. 31 Doox. Imagine, they came down, walked around me all the Jme, gazing stealthily at me. I took them for revenue officers, and as they pried and Avinked, trying to detect the wax nose and tin ear, the perspiration poured from me in streams. Mrs. D. There they kept him suffering the torments of the condemned. DooN. Until a puff of wind blew my hat with the cushion and mat into the river. Of course they laughed, and I broke - away and got into the carriage. HucK. But you had the gloves safe. DooN. Yes, I had the gloves safe. All. He had the gloves safe. {Smiling.) Doox. I hurried up-stairs to my room. I threw open my col- lar, unbuttoned my under-wrapper, and pulled them out. Then, Oh, the heat I had suffered 1 That tin-ear perspiration ! Hucklestone, the gloves were — All. Boiled ! {All rise, laugMng.) HucK. I thank you all the same, hi I hi I I like my gloves boiled. (Aside.) He might have been man enough to pay the duties. DooN. The next day I received a letter from the Custom House officer. " Sir, what was in your hat before it blew off V Without a moment's hesitation I answered, " Sir, my head !" HucK. That was good I DooN. Wasn't it? He wrote back, ^' Sir, timber is dutia- ble," inferring — All. Ha ! ha ! Mrs. S. That he was a blockhead. All. Ha ! ha ! DooN. I immediately responded, " Sir, you are a meddlesome puppy." Signed, '' Cadwallader Dooner." HucK. That was rash. DooN. Yes, I regretted it. He answered, " Sir, you have at- tempted to defraud the government ; you will hear from me." HucK. You will. Custom House inspectors are severe. Doox. Well, no matter. Caroline, show Hucklestone the boiled gloves. Jos. Mr. Hucklestone, you shall see my pictures. [EMt Mrs. Docker, Josephine, Hucklestone, atid Clara l.] Mrs. S. At last I have a chance. Now for Clara and the new mine. DooN. Hucklestone is a good fellow^, he is very fond of me. But he don't like the gloves a bit. Mrs. S. Pardon my alluding to it, my dear Mr. Dooner. Two young gentlemen are now paying attentions to your daughter. DooN. Weil, madam, yes, somew^hat. Mrs. S. One of them has been paying particular attention to \j niece. DooN. Which one, madam, which one ? 32 dooner's trip. Mrs. S. It is the one you have decided to refuse. Doox. But I haven't quite decided which one to refuse. Mrs. S. That doesn't matter ; it's the one you will refuse. DooN. Oh, she wants the one tliat's left ! Mrs. S. The poor girl's heart is set on him. Doox. I don't exactly know which him — but — Mrs. S. We may depend on your good services. Boon. You may, madam, you may. Mrs. S. Thank you so much. Now, I have something else of equal importance to mj'self to propose. {BotJi sit.) DooN. (Sits.) Oh, you want me to look up somebody for you, eh ? My dear madam I Mrs. S. No, Mr. Dooner. I am content to remain a widow, fancy free, except for the very warm regard I have for you, my good friend, Mr. Dooner. DooN. O Mrs. Spoopendyke ! Mrs. S. I have such a profound admiration for your business qualifications. DooN. I, ah ! would not be vain. But my opinion on pork w^as asked by the War Department. Mrs. S. I want to direct your attention to the argentiferous lode. DooN. How much of a load ? Mrs. S. I want you to become interested in Baby Mine. DooN. Oh, Mrs. Spoopendyke ! I really — which one ? Mrs. S. The new one. DooN. The— oh ! Mrs. S. The one just started. Doox. Why, Mrs. Spoopendyke I Mrs. S. Mr. Dooner, I look upon you as a part proprietor of it. Doox. Me — oh — I — Mrs. Spoopendyke. You really can't mean — Mrs. S. Yes, my dear sir. I consider you as in on i;he ground floor. Doox. Mrs. S. — I — What will Mrs. Dooner say ? Mrs. S. She, oh, sle doesn't give attention to such matters. Doox. Oh, but, my dear madam, she does ! I can't even men- tion Emma without her boiling with rage. Mrs. S. Emma ! w^hat Emma ? Not Little Emma ? Doox. I — well, yes, little Emma. Mrs. S. You don't really mean to say that you have been weak enough to throw money away on Little Emma ? Doox. Well, yes. Not much, not much. Mrs. S. Well, sir, you mustn't think that everything is such a swindle as Little Emma. Doox. I hope not. Mrs. S. Here is something that will enable you to get even. Doox. I should like to get e^en on little Emma. What ? Mrs. S. Why, my dear sir. Don't you understand, on the darling new Baby Mine ? DOONER'S TRIP. S2l DooN. Oh : Mrs. S. It fairly boils over with alluvial. Doo>h Soothing syrup, madam, soothing syrup. Mrs. S. It assays 42 to the ton. I DooN. What ? How uiuch baby ? Mrs. S. We assayed four tons of the Baby lode. Boon. Heavens ! Four tons of babies I Mrs. S. Four tons of babies I {They rise.) Mr. Dooner, I am speaking of the fiaby Mine. DooN. Oh, a mine ! Mrs. S. Our new silver mine, and I want you to take 30,000 shares on the ground floor. Boon. 30,000 shares. My goodness ! How much a share ? Mrs. S. Four-cents, first call. Boon. I subscribe, madam, I subscribe. (Aside.) Baby Mine. Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, thank you, dear Mr. Booner, so much ! It will be well watered by and by. {Starting r.) Boon. Watered, the oh — yes, yes, its stock. Mrs. S. And you won't forget Clara, will you ? Boon. Clara — Oh, for the one that's left! No, I won't forget Clara. Mrs. S. Thank you, Mr, Booner. You dear Mr. Booner, so much. [Exit r. Boon. The Baby Mine. [HucK, Mrs. Booner, aiid Josephine returii*] Al. {Announcing, enters.) -Mr. Will. Eittenhouse. Jos. Ah ! Mrs. B. Welcome, Mr. Rittenhouse. We are delighted to see you. W^iLL. {Bowing.) Madam, Mr. Booner. Boon. Enchanted, enchanted 1 {Aside.) He always has that style, the air of the protector. Mrs. B. Introduce him to Mr. Hucklestone. Boon. Certainly. Hucklestone, permit me to introduce to you Mr. Willie Rittenhouse, one of our travelling acquaintances. Jos. {Lively.) He saved papa's life. Boon. {Aside.) There it goes again. HucK. How — your life was in danger ? Boon. No— a little. Will. Not worth the trouble of repeating. Boon. {Aside.) Always his little air. Al. {Announcing.) Mr. Horace Yv^allbridge. [Enter Horace.] Boon. {EntJuisiasiic.) Ah, here he is, my dear friend, my good Horace I {Meeting Mm.) HoR. {Saluting.) Good-morning, ladies. Good-morning, Will. 34 DOONERS TEiP. -n^^x- (Tni'hm his arm) Come, let me present to you Mr Hucklesti? M I -ant to introduce you to o,e ot SrSends-one of my best'friends, Mr. Horace ^^ allbndge. HucK Mr. Walibridge of the sugar refinery. tTar CRoicina ) We are somewhat a^iuamtea. Soon. lh!lii hada't been for me he wouldn't pay you your salary to-morrow. Soon.' Tm style.) Why, simply because'l saved his life, ^fcK*" You?' (.4./.^..) They appear to have passed their *'^Dor?CSS';o'^W:%vere under the falls ; Niagara poured over our heads, tranquil and majestic. HoT! (Aside ) The burning deck agani. . Soon. We follo^yed each otlrer, slowly, silently, wrapped m pensive contemplation— ,,0,^ i AVho do Jos {Who Us leen opening journal-) Ah, papa. ^.no uo you think 13 in the newspaper ? You are. DooN. How, am I in the newspaper ? Tn« ( aivina naver.) Read it yourselt, there. . iooN Now lihal find that I nm drawn on the grand jury agSn (E.-.^.). ^ A correspondent writes us from Niagara- "uoox^iUt'' ''An accident, which would have been fol- footing and feU upon one of the slippery ledges of rocks jus over tie boiling diasm below. In a momen nxo^- -^^^^^^ have been dashed into eternity, but \"--.0°°"^ ' \!™f, ^J^ merchant of widespread repute most tavorablj k^io^ ^ ,.^ ,, s own citv who was with the party, at the risk of his lile, tnrew hhnse&rr the ledge." (^^F^-^'fO That's the fact ''And ^^^^^^^ nrodio-ious efforts he was enabled to rescue his companion. Euch Idm rable courage is woithy of universal acknowledgernen and the esteem of all will follow him for his generous hardihood. All. Oh : HoR (Aside ') Twentv cents a une. Soon. ^eLgJ) Such admirable courag. is wonh^of urn- versal acknowledgment -and the estcem.-^ro Hokace.) xHj friend, mv son. • TTr.n (A^oods near Strawberry Hill. HoR. Colonel, one word. {Ready to ring lell l.) Col. We will wait for you near the mansion. HoR. But, Colonel — Col. a thousand pardoDs. I have an appointment with a dealer to choose some furniture. To-morrow noon. {Bowing.) Gentlemen, I have the honor. [Exit. HoR. The deuce I You are well mixed up, with a Colonel, too. DooN. He a Colonel ! Nonsense ! Do genuine Colonels amuse themselves correcting mistakes in ortliography ? HoR. No matter. It's necessary to inquire — to find out — {Re rings.) To know vdth whom w^e are dealing. Al. {Enters.) Sir. DooN. Why did you admit that man who just left ? Al. He had already been here, sir, this morning. I forgot to give you his card. HoR. Ah, his card ! DooN. Give it. {Reading.) Calhoun Baumgartner, Ex-Col- onel Louisiana Tigers. HoR. Louisiana Tigers ! Doox. Thunder and Mars ! Al. What's the matter ? DooN. Nothing. Leave us. {Exit Alice. HoR. Jiminy ! This is a pretty situation. DooN. What can I do ? I was a littie too quick— a man so polite. I took him for a confidence man. HoR. What shall we do ? DooN. It v/ill be necessary to find some way of — {idea strikes.) Ah ! HoR. What? DooN. Nothing — nothing. There is no way. I have insulted him, and I must fight him. {Starting left.) Good-by. HoR. Where are you going ? DooN. To put my affairs in order. You understand. 40 DOONEk's THIP. HoR. But is there no way ? Doox. Horace, when the hour of danger sounds, you will not see Dooner weaken. [Exit l. HoR. Here's a pretty mess. But it's impossible. I can't permit Mr. Dooner to light with a Louisiana Tiger. But he's got courage, the father-in-law. And on the other side the Col- onel. Uh ! And all that for not spelling Niagara right. Let's see. If I can notify the police — and — no. But why not ? I have no other choice. No one will know about it. {He takes fen and'pa'per^ sitting.) A letter to tlie Chief of Police. {Writ- ing.) Sir, I have the honor to inform you. {Spealcing while omting.) Send an officer to the point named. It will prevent possible bloodshed. {Folds letter.) Now I must find some one to carry it. Alice can arrange it. Alice ! Alice ! [He exits., calling., c. [Dooner enters alone, holding letter.] DooN. Chief of Police — fjir, it is my duty to inform you that two desperate men intend to exchange shots to-morrow at a quarter before twelve. {Spealcs.) I put it a quarter before, so they vrould be on time. {Reading,) At a quarter before twelve, in the w^oods on Strawberry Hill. It belongs to you to protect the lives of our citizens. One of tlie combatants is a well- known merchant, father of a family, a devoted friend of the city government, and very influential in his ward. Do not per- mit, him to put his life in jeopardy. Now the address. ( Writes.) Very pressing — important. Now wiiere is Alice ? [Horace enters icith letter.] HoR. Impossible to find the servant. {Seeing Dooner, hides letter.) Oh ! DooN. (Seeing Horace, hides letter.) Horace ? HoR. Well, Mr. Doonei* ! DooN. You see I am calm — like bronze. {Perceiving '}iIjis. Dooner andy Josephine enter l,.) My wife, silence! Mrs. D. My dear Cadwallader, Josephine's piano teacher has sent us some tickets for a concert to-morrow. Matinee. DooN. {Aside.) Matinee ! Mrs. D. It is his benefit. AVill you accompany us ? DooN. Impossible. To-morrow^, my dear, I shall be busy. Mrs. D. But you have nothing to do. DooN. Yes, I have some business--;^very important— ask Mr. Wa lb ridge. HoR. Very important. Mrs, D. What a serious air. Your face is as long as a horse's. I might think you were afraid of something. ■ DooN. Me airaid ? You should see me on the field of honor. Mrs. D. The field of honor ! DooN. {Aside.) By George ! that slipped out. . Jos.' {F!yiiig to Jiim.) A duel, papa ? DOONEPv S TKIP. 41 DooN. Very well. Yes, my child. T didn't wish you to know— it escjaped from me. Your father is going to fight. Mrs. D. \Yith whom ? DooN. With a colonel of the Louisiana Tigers. Mrs. D. and^o^. {FrigMened.) Oh, good heavens ! DooN. To-morrow, in the woods, at the corner of Strawberry Mansion. Mrs. D. {Going to Jiim.) But you are a fool — you, a husband and a father. DooN. Mrs. Dooner, I despise duelling, but there are circum- stances when a man owes it to his honor. {Aside^ looting at letter.') Where is Alice ? Mrs. D. No — impossible. I w^ill not permit it. {Slie goes to table and writes.) To the Chief of the Police. [Enter Alice.] Al. Dinner is served. [Enter Mrs. Spoopendyke and Clara. Business.'] DooN. (Aj^proaching Alice, and loic.) This letter to its ad- dress : it's very important. {Retires.) HoR. {LoiD to Alice.) This letter to its address immediately : it's very important. {He retires.) Mrs. D. {Loio to Alice.) This letter immediately : it's very im- portant. Jos. {Aside.) I wdll tell Mr. Willie. Come, ladies, dinner. [Exit 3. . Mrs. D. {Before exit, to Alice.) Chut ! HoR. {Same.) Chut ! DooN. (Same.) Chut! [ They exit together, Al. {Alone, reading.) To the Chief of Police. I shall only have one trip. Curtain. ACT IV. NE.— J.7Z ornate villa garden. Handsome villa icith piazzas or balconies and mansard^ at the left of stage. PracticaNe door to villa. Shrid)bery^ foliage^ flowers^ etc., along the right of stage. Garden furniture^ vases, statuary, etc., grouped alout. Orna- mental garden icall across 'back of stage, with door or gate, practicahle, in icall c. Beyondv this, a vow of trees or cut-icood, - very open ; laclc of which are set-houses, or modern street-wings, haclced hy foliage, garden, or loood — the ichole giving the appear^ mice of a shaded street bade of the wall, tcith villas on the oppo- site side of the street. [HoTiACE entering at haclc from the left.] HoR. Ten o'clock ; the appointment is not before twelve. {He approaches pavilion and makes a sign.) S-s-t ! Mr. Dooner. DooN. {Sticking head out.) Ah, it's you. Don't make a noise — in a minute I am with you. {He re-enters.) HoR. {Alone.) Poor Mr. Dooner. He must have passed a mis- erable night. Luckily the duel will not take place. DooN. {Coming out icith mantle, military air, belt icith two pairs of large pistols underneath.) Behold me : I am ready I IIoii. How do you find yourself ? DooN. Calm, like bronze. HoR. 1 have some pistols in the carriage. DooN. {Shoicing them.) I have some also. HoR. Two pairs. DooN. One might miss fire. I don't w^ant to be embarrassed by such an accident. HoR. {Aside.) By Jove, he's got it in him. {Aloud.) The carriage is at the door when you wish. Doox. A moment. 'What time is it ? HoR. Ten o'clock. DooN. I don't want to arrive before noon, nor after. {Aside.) That might spoil all. HoR. You are right. {Aside.) That might spoil all. DooN. I am waiting for Hucklestone. I w^rote him last night. HoR. Ah, here he is I [Hucklestone entering gate c. ] HiTCK. I received your letter. . I demanded leave of absence. What is it about ? DooN. Hucklestone, I go to fight in two hours. >Hi:( K. You I Nonsense ; and with v.liat ? dooxer's tpjp. 43 Doox. {Opening mantle.) With these. HucK. Pistols ! DooN. And I count upon you to be my second. (Horace up.) HucK. Upon me ? Permit me, my friend : that's impossible. DooN. Why ? HncK. It's necessary for me to go to the sugar refinery. I shall be discharged. DooN. Bat you ha^e obtained leave of absence. HucK. Not to be a second. The law deals with seconds. Doox. It appears to me, Mr. Hucklestone, that I have rendered you enough services — that you ought not to refuse to^assist me m a case where my life may be endangered. HucK. {Aside.) That's his miserable $300. Doox. But if you fear to compromise yourself. If you are afraid — HucK. I am not afraid. First, I am not free. You think I am chained by the ties of gratitude. Ah, gratitude ! HoR. {Aside.) Another ! HucK. I ask of you only one thing. That is to return by two o'clock. I will pay you immediately, and then v/e are quits. HoR. {Gomes down l.) It's time to start. {To Dooxer.) If you desire to say good-by to Mrs. Dooner and your daughter — Doox. 1^0 ; I wish to avoid a scene. There would be tears and lamentations. They would throw their arms around me and clutch my cloak to detain me. Let us go. {Singing off.) My daughter. [^Enter Josephixe, singing.'] Jos. Tra la«-la-la — {Spectking.) Ah, it's you, my good little papa. Doox. Yes — you see — I leave with these two gentlemen. It is necessary, {^nihrace with, emotion.) Farewell. Jos. {Tranquil.) Good-by, papa.. {Aside.) There's nothing to fear. Mamma has informed the police, and I have informed Mr. Willie. {She goes to arrange her floioers.) Doox. {Wiping his eyes.) Nevermind; don't weep. If you never see me again — think sometimes — {Stopping.) Why, she is fixing her bouquet. HucK. It's revolting. [Enter Mrs. Dooxer with somefloicers in her hand.] Mrs. D. {To Dooxer.) My love, can I cut a few dahlias ? Doox. My wife ! Mrs. D. I am culling a bouquet for my vase. Doox. Cull, at such a moment ! I can refuse you nothing. I am about to leave, Caroline. Mrs. D. Oh, you are going out then ? Doox. Yes I go — out — there, with these two gentlemen. Mrs. D. Go alono-. Don't be late for dinner. 44 dooner's tkip. Doox. (Aside.) Hai ! This tranquillity ! Does my wife no longer love me ? HucK. All the Dooners are heartless, that's sure. HoR. It's time, if you wish to be at the rendezvous by twelve. Don. (Lively.) Precise I , Mrs. D. (Lively.) You have no time to lose. Jos. Hurry, papa. DooN. Yes, we go. Caroline, my daughter, farewell ! (He goes up.) [Enter Willie.] Will. Stay, Mr. Dooner. The duel will not take place. All. How ? Jos. (Aside.) I vras sure Willie would arrange it. Mrs. D. But explain to us. Will. It's very Mmple. I have just put Colonel Baumgartner in Moyamensing. All. Moyamensing ! HoR. My rival is very active. Will. Yes, that was arranged over a month since between the Colonel and myself, and I couldn't find a better occasion to make myself agreeable to him (to Dooner), and to relieve you. Mrs. D. Ah, sir, what a friend ! Jos. (LoiD,) You are our savior. DooN. (Aside.) Ah, that doesn't suit me. I had arranged my little affair so well. At a quarter before twelve a policeman would step between us. Mrs. D. (!(? Dooner.) Thank him. DooN. Who? I Mes. D. Mr. Rittenhouse. DooN. (7b Willie, dryly.) All, yes, sir, I thank you. . HucK. (Aside.) You'd think it v/ould strangle him. (Aloud.) I go to touch my salary. (To Horace.) Do you believe the cashier has com.menced to pay ? HoR. Yes, without doubt. I have a carriage. I will convey you. Mr. Dooner, we will see each other. You have an answer to give me. Mrs. D. (LoiD to Willie.) Stay. Dooner has promised to de- cide to-da}^ ; the moment is favorable. Will. Do you believe that he will ? Jos. (Low.) Courage, Mr. Bittenhouse. Will. You ! Oh what happiness ! HucK. Good-by, Dooner. HoR. Madam, Miss Josephine. (Boici)ig.) [Exit Josephine and Mrs. Dooner r., Hucklestoxe and Horace by the hack l. DooN. (Who in the mean time has tal'en off his mantle, pistols, and belt. Aside.) I am very much annoyed, very much annoyed. dooxer's teip. 45 I passed part of tlie night in writing to my friends that I was going to fight. I shall appear ridiculous. Will. (Aside.) He ought to be well disposed. We will try. (Aloud.) My dear Mr. Dooner ? DooN. (Dryly.) Sir ! Will. I w^as more fortunate than I expected— to be able to terminate this little affair. DooN. {Aside.) Alw^ays his little air of protector. (Aloud.) As for me, sir, I regret that you have deprived me of the pleas- ure of giving a lesson to this professor of spelling. Will. How ? Then you don't know your adversary is — DooN. Is an ex-Colonel of the Louisiana Tigers. Very well, what then ? I esteem the Tigers, but I am one of those men who know how to look them in the face. (He passes proudly l)efore.) Al. {Announcing.) Colonel Bumgartner ! DooN. Hai ! Will. He? DooN. You told me that he was in prison. Col. {Entering.) I was there, but I am out. Ah, Mr. Ritten- house, I shall arrange to take up that check immediately. Will. All right. Colonel. I presume you excuse my action. You appeared to be so desirous to be put in prison. Col. Oh, I like to be in Moyamensing. But not those days that I have arranged to fight. ' {To Doo:xer.) I am pained, sir, to have made you wait. I am at your orders. DooN. I think, sir, that you will do me the justice to believe that I was an entire stranger to the action taken by my — Will. Entirely, entirely. At this very instant the gentleman expressed his regrets at not being able to meet you. Col. (To DootnER.) I never doubted, sir, that you would be a loyal adversary. DooN. {With lututeur.) I am pleased to hope so, sir. Al. Dooner is game. Col. My second and surgeon are at the door. Let us leave. DooN. Leave ? CoL. {With icatcJi.) It is twelve o'clock. DooN. {Aside.) Twelve already — then it's past a quarter before. CoL. We will be there in an hour and a half. DooN. {Aside.) An hour and a half. There w^on't be a police- man within a' mile. Will. What will you do ? DooN. I — I — have, gentlemen ! I have always thought that there was something noble in a njan's acknowledging his errors. CoL. and Alice. Hai ! Will. What did he say ? DooN. Alice, leave us. WiTJ.. I will retire also. 46 dooxek's trip. Col, Oil pardon me. I desire all that passes should be before a witness. YflLL. But— CoL. I beg you to remain. Doox. Colonel, you are one of those brave soldiers who — And I-^I admire those brave soldiers who — T recall that I have in a measure —and I beg you to believe that — (Aside.) Hang it I before ray servant. (Aloud.) I beg you to believe that it was not my intention— (il/rt,?'^^ sign for Alice to go out, who pretends -not to see it.) (Aside.) I'll discharge her to-night. (Aloud.) No intention in my thought. No thought — thought— in my inten- tion — to offend a man whom I esteem, and whom I honor. Al. (Aside.) He wilts I Col. Then, sir, this is an apology. Will. (Quid.) Oh — his regrets. Doox. Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Let the Colonel speak. CoL. Are they regrets or apologies ? Doox. A little of one and a little of the other. CoL. Sir, vou have written plainly on a certain hotel register, " The Colonel is a— '^ Doox. I retire the expression. I take it back. Col. You take it back here. But there, at Niagara, it is writ- ten where all travellers can read it. Doox. Oh, my heavens I As for that, you wouldn't expect me to go there to efface it. CoL. I should not have dared ask as much ; but since you offer to do it— - Doox. I ! CoL. I accept. Doox. Permit me. CoL. Oh I don't demand that you shall depart to-day. No, but to-morrow. Doox a?id Will. How ? CoL. How ? By the first train, .^nd you will scrape out your- self gracefully — the two ugly lines that escaped from your pen. That will oblige me. DooN. Yes. So it seems I must return to Niagara. Col. Tlie hotel is in Clifton ; we are in Philadelphia. Doox. Philadelphia I City of Brotherly Love. Al. Not a bit of it, CoL. (Ironical/ 1/.) There remains for me nothing but to render homage to your sentiments of conciliation. Doox. I don't like to shed blood. CoL. (Smiling.) I declare myself completely satisfied. (To Willie.) Mr. Rittenhouse, I have some more checks in circula- tion. If any sliould pass through your hands, I will arrange tliemimmedint(^ly. Gentlemen, I have the honor to salute you - Doox. (Br'-i/fy) C(;lond. [E.vit Coloxkl. DOOXEii's Tpar. 47 Al. {Sorrowfully.) That settles that. DooN. {Scolding.) You — I'll settle you. Pack your trunk, blockhead ! Al. {Stupefied.) Ah I What have I done ? [Exit. DooN. {Aside.) There is nothing to say. I have apologized. I, of whom they are going to make a picture at the Academy. But whose fault ? This Mr. Rittenhcuse's. y^^iiA.. {Aside.) Poor man. I don't know what to say to him. DooN. {Aside.) Isn't he going? He has perhaps some more services to render me. Will. Mr. Dooner? DooN. Sir. Will. Yesterday when I left here I went to my friend the Custom House officer. I spoke to him about your affair. Doox. Y"ou are too good. Will. It's arranged. The complaint is withdrawn. DooN. Indeed I Will. Only you write the officer a few words of regret. DooN. That's it — more apologies, more excuses. Why do you meddle with it ? Will. But— Doox. Is it impossible for you to avoid meddling with my affairs? ^ . Will. How— DooN. Oh, you touch everything ! Who asked you to have the Colonel arrested ? But for you we should have been on the ground at twelve o'clock. Will. But nothing prevented your going at two. Boon. It isn't the same thing. Will. Why? DooN. Why ? Because — no — you shall not know why. Enough of services, sir. Enough. If I fall into the rapids I beg you to let me go over. I prefer to give the driver $20. There is nothing to be proud of. That's what it costs — §20. I beg of you also not to change the hours of my duels. Will. But, Mr. Dooner — DooN. I don't like people who take things on themselves. It shows indiscretion. Will. Permit me. DooN. No, sir. Nobody lords it over me. Not Dooner. Enough, sir, enough. [Exitly iKivilion. Will. {Alone.) I can't understand it. I'm absolutely amazed. [ Enter Josephine.] Jos. Ah, Mr. Willie I Will. Miss Josephine I Jos. Have you interviewed papa ? Will. Yes, miss. 48 DOOXER S TKIP. Jos. Very well. "VYiLL. I desire to learn the reason for his wonderful antipathy. Jos. Antipathy I Impossible I Will. He has just reproached me for pulling him out of the rapids. I believe he was going to offer me $20 as a recom- pense. Jos. Absurd I Will. He told me that was tlie price. Jos. But, it's horrible, such ingratitude. Will. I find that m.y presence annoys him. and there remains nothing, miss, but to take my leave. Jos. Not at all. Remain. Will. For what good ? He reserves your hand for Horace ! Jos. Mr. Wallbridge. But I don't wish it. . Will. Ah I Jos. {Remenibering.) My mother doesn't wish it. She doesn't partake of papa's sentiment. She has some gratitude — mamma. She likes you. A little while since, she said to me, Mr. Willie is an honest gentleman, a man of heart, and that Avhich I hold dearest in the world I Vv'ould give to him. Will. But that which she holds dearest — is you. Jos. {Naive.) I believe so. Will. Oh, miss I how much I thank you I Jos. But it's mamma whom you must thank. Will. And you, miss. Permit me to hope that you will have the same consideration. Jos. (Emhari'assed.) Me, sir ? Will. Oh, speak, I pray ! Jos. {Drooping eyes.) Sir, when a young lady has been well )roughfc up, she thinks always just like her mother. {She flies nit.) Will. {Alone.) She loves me. She has said it. Oh, I am 00 happy I [Enter Horace.] HoR. Good-day, Will. Will. It's you I (Aside.) Poor boy I Hon. Now is the time for philosophy. Mr. Dooner will re- turn. In ten minutes we will have our answer. My poor friend ! Will. Why so ? HoR. In the campaign in which we have been engaged, you have committed fault upon fault. Will. I ! HoR. Hold I I like you, Will, and I will give you some good advice, that will serve you another time. You have one mortal fault. Will. Which one ? HoR. You like too well to be of service. It's an unhappy passion with you. dooner's trip. 49 Will. (Laughing.') Ah, indeed ! HoR. Believe me, I am a little older and have observed more of the world than you. Before obliging a man, make yourself sure first that tiie man is not an idiot. Will. Why? HoR. Because an idiot is incapable of long supporting that burden to the soul v^hich is called gratitude. They have a con- stitution so delicate. Will. Go on ; develop your riddle. HoR. Do you wish an example ? Mr, Dooner. DooN. {Sticking out head.) My name. HoR. You ^sf\\\ permit me to express an opinion that he is not a very superior man. (Dooner disappears.) Very well. Mr. Dooner has turned against you. Will. I am afraid he has. HoR. After saving his life, you believed, perhaps, that he would remember with pleasure your act of devotion. No, he remembers only three things — First, that he doesn't know how to swim ; second, that he did wrong in going so near the bank ; third, that he made a ridiculous figure with his wet clothes. Will. Very well ; but — HoR. And as it was necessary for him to make a display of fireworks, you have demonstrated to him, as plainly as two and two make four, that you do not believe in his courage by pre- venting his duel, which would not have taken place. Will. Why? HoR. I had taken my measures. I do a generous action. Will. Certainly you do. HoR. But I cover my tracks. I hide when I penetrate the -weaknesses of my fellow-creatures. It is like going into a powder magazine. I never carry a light. Will. So you conclude that it is best never to oblige any one ? HoR. Oh, no ! But it's necessary to know the mental calibre of the men you oblige. I presume Dooner detests you ; your presence humiliates him. Will. But that is ingratitude. HoR. Ingratitude is a variety of the animal. One amiable philospher has said that ingratitude is the independence of the heart. Therefore, Mr. Dooner is a pork-packer, the most inde- pendent of all pork-packers in the country. I discovered it im- mediately ; so I followed a course exactly opposite to yours. Will. How? HoR. I let myself down on to a large ledge of rock — as safe as this ground. Will. On purpose ? HoR. Don't you understand ? Give a pork-packer the chance to save a fellow-creature without danger to himself, and it's a master stroke. Since that day I am his joy, his triumph, the 50 dooner's trip. symbol of his bravery. As soon as I appear his face glows, his stomach expands. He spreads all his peacock feathers. I hold him as vanity holds the man. When he cools I reanimate him. I exploit him in the newspapers at twenty cents a line. Will. Ah, bah ! It was you. HoR. By Heavens ! To morrow I commence to have him painted in oil, tete-d-tete with the Falls. I asked of the artist a very small Niagaras and an immense Dooner. In fine, my dear Willie, remember this well — such men do not attach themselves to us by reason of the service we render them, but by reason of the service they render us. Will. The men, it's possible ; but the women ? HoR. Very well, the women. Will. They comprehend gratitude ; they know how to guard in the bottom of their heart of hearts the remembrance of a generous action. HoR. Heavens ! what a pretty speech ! Will. Luckily Mrs. Dooner does not partake of the senti- ments of her husband. HoR. The mamma is perhaps for you ; but I have for me the superb vanity of the father. My ledge of rocks under Niagara protects me. [Dooner, with Mrs. Dooxer, Joseph, Mrs. Spoopendyke, and Clara, enter from house. He is vei^y grave.] Doox. Gentlemen, I am happy to find you together. You have each done me the honor to ask for the hand of my daughter. You shall now hear my decision. Will. (Aside.) The moment has arrived. DooN. (Smiling.) Mr. Horace, my friend. Will. (Aside.) I am lost. Doox. I have already done much for you. I wish to do something more yet — I wish to give you- — HoR. (TJianMng.) Ah, sir I DooN. (Coldly.) A little advice. (Lotc.) Don't speak so loud, when you are near a window. HoR. (Astonished.) Nonsense ! DooN. Yes, I thank you for the lesson. (Aloud.) Mr. Willie, you have not obtained the footing of your friend. You calculated less, but you please me more. I give you my daughter. Will. Ah, sir ! Doox. And observe, I do not think to acquit myself of w^hat I owe to you. I shall always rest under the greatest obliga- tions. Because (looking at Horace) none but idiots are incapa- ble of long supporting that burthen to the soul which is called gratitude. (He goes near the ^. Mr. Dooner ^a^ses Josephine to the side ^j/* Willie, who gives her his arm.) HoR. (Aside.) Trapped ! Will. (Aside.) Poor Horace ! ♦ dooner's trip. 51 Hoe. I am beaten. {To Willie.) After as before. Come, give me the hand. Will. With all my heart. HoR. {Going to Dooner.) Ah, Mr. Dooner, you listen at doors. DooN. O my heavens ! A father ought to search, to inquire, to listen. {Tahmg Mm aside.) See here, now truly, did you fall off the step on purpose ? HoR. Where — there ? DooN. On the ledge of rocks under the Falls. HoR. Yes, but I won't tell a soul. DooN. Don't. {Hands. Places.) Mrs. S. Mr. Dooner? DooN. The Baby Mine. Mrs. S. Which is the one ? DooN. Ah, yes ! {Calling.) Mr. W^albridge ? HoR. Mr. Dooner. DooN. May I request your arm for Miss Clara ? HoR. With pleasure. May I ? (Offering arm to Clara.) Cla. My, it's so absurd ! [Enter Hucklestone.] HucK. Mr. Dooner, I got my salary at ten o'clock, and I kept the carriage of this gentleman to bring you as soon as pos- sible the three hundred dollars. Here it is. DooN. But that didn't press. HucK. Pardon me, it did press. And now we are quits. Completely quits. DooN. When I think I was like that — HucK. {To Horace.) Here is the number of your carriage. {Giving card.) An hour and three quarters. DooN. Mr. Willie, we shall be at home to-morrow evening, and if you will do us the pleasure to come and take a cup of tea — Col. Baiimgartner. {Entering.) Beg pard*on, ladies, gentle- men I {Bowing.) Mr. Dooner, I left a memorandum. Ah, this must be it ! {Picks np paper and appears to read.) Will. {Crosses to T>ooi^f,^. Loio.) To-morrow. Do you not think ? your promise to the Colonel ? DooN. Ah, that is just. {Aloud.) My wife, my daughter, we leave to-morrow for Niagara. All. (Astonished.) Hai ! What ? Mrs. D. Ah, indeed 1 We have but just arrived. Why re- turn ? DooN. Why ? How can you ask ? Do you not guess, my dear wife, that I wish to revisit the place where Willie saved my life ? Mrs. D. But, Cadwallader ! DoQN. Enough, Caroline, the trip is commanded {glancing haclc at the Colonel) — commanded by gratitude ! Curtain. # LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 198 496 8 (