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 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
A Romance in Porcelain 
 
 A Comedy in One Act 
 
 By 
 RUDOLPH RAPHAEL 
 
 Author of ''A Professional Visit y' etc. 
 
 Notice to Professionals 
 
 This play is published for tlie free use of amateur players and 
 organizations only. Professional actors or companies jModucing 
 it in any form or under any title, without the permission of the 
 author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers, will be 
 prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 1917 
 
-9 <S 
 
 A Romance in Porcelain 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Dr. Spencer, a dentist. 
 Miss Cecilia Singer. 
 Clarence Sweetser. 
 The Thief. 
 
 Copyright, 191 7, by Rudolph Raphael 
 Free for amateur performaiice. Professional stage atidjuoving ^ 
 picture rights reserved. ^ ^^ •v/^ 
 
 G)CI.D 48080 
 TMP96-0 069C8 
 
 OCT -9 1917 
 n^ ( 
 
 fo 
 
PLEASE NOTICE 
 
 The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved 
 by the author, to whom applications for its use should be ad- 
 dressed in care of the publishers, Walter H, Baker & Co., 
 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 
 
 Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright 
 Law of the United States of America in force July i, 1909, for 
 any infringement of his rights, as follows : 
 
 Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
 Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid 
 or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
 upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
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 at the discretion of the court. 
 
 Sec. 29. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
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 righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
 than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. 
 
A Romance in Porcelain 
 
 SCENE.— Dr. Spencer's dental office. Dental chair at 
 L. Shelf zvith bottles. Cabinet zvith drawers. Doors 
 at R. u. E. and l. Table desk at R. Chairs, etc. 
 
 {At rise Doctor discovered in zvhite costume seated at 
 table considting appointment book.) 
 
 Doc. {looking at his watch). Let me see, eleven 
 o'clock, Miss Cecilia Singer, upper set. She'll be here 
 at any moment. {Rises and goes to cabinet. Opens 
 drawer in cabinet and produces an upper set of teeth; 
 occupies himself in filing it, etc., etc.) I hope it will fit 
 her this time. She must be pretty tired of living on soups 
 and custards, poor girl. {Holds up the set and admires 
 it.) Nice piece of work this. {Knock at door. Doc. 
 opens it and admits Miss Cecilia Singer. She is 
 heavily veiled.) Good-morning, Miss vSinger. Just in 
 time. See? {Holds up set.) Isn't it a beauty? 
 
 {Meanzvhile Cec. has taken off her hat and veil. 
 During the following dialogue she speaks zvith a kind 
 of lisp, due to the absence of her teeth.) 
 
 Cec. Yes, doctor, it looks lovely, and I only hope it 
 will fit this time. 
 
 Doc. {adjusting chair). Oh, I think you will find it 
 all right now ; please sit down. 
 
 Cec. {sitting in chair and laying her head back). Oh, 
 I do hope you will finish to-day, because I really must 
 have them. 
 
 Doc. {soothingly). Don't worry. Miss Singer. I 
 promise they'll be ready for you, and I know you'll be 
 
 5 
 
6 A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 
 
 pleased. Open, please. {Places leeih in her moiith.) 
 Now bite. How does that feel ? 
 
 Cec. {doiibi fully). Not exactly right yet, doctor. 
 
 Doc. {examining teeth). Open, please. Now bite 
 slowly. Ah, I see where the trouble lies. 
 
 {Removes the set and goes through business of filing, 
 etc.) 
 
 Cec. {sitting up, lisps). Oh, doctor, I must really 
 have them for this evening. 
 
 Doc. {reassuring her). Oh, you'll have them without 
 a doubt. Don't worry. 
 
 Cec. The fact is, doctor, that my intended is going to 
 call on me to-night and I couldn't possibly send him word 
 that I was still confined to my bed w^ith a cold as I have 
 been doing the past four days ; and of course I couldn't 
 possibly receive him without my teeth. 
 
 Doc. {zvorking azvay at set). Of course I can under- 
 stand that. But don't you worry. 
 
 Cec. {hesitatingly). By the way, doctor, I trust it 
 isn't necessary for me to ask you to say nothing to any- 
 body about your making a set for me. You know I 
 wouldn't like 
 
 Doc. {interrupting). My dear lady, I hope you don't 
 for a moment imagine that I would be guilty of such a 
 breach of professional etiquette. 
 
 Cec. {hastily). Of course not. I was quite sure of 
 it. But — but I believe my intended, Mr. Clarence 
 Sweetser, comes to you occasionally, does he not? 
 
 Doc. Mr. Sweetser? Is he your intended? Glad to 
 hear it. A fine fellow. Yes, he comes here now and 
 then to have me look over his teeth — fine teeth he has 
 too — and he's very proud of them. 
 
 Cec Yes, indeed, he has lovely teeth and of course 
 I would-be mortified to have him know that I — I — that 
 my 
 
 Doc. Oh, I quite understand. Don't think of such 
 a thing, my dear lady. 
 
 Cec Oh, I'd just die of shame if he ever knew 
 that 
 
 Doc Why, my dear ]\Iiss Singer, he need never 
 
A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 7 
 
 know a thing about it, even after you are married. Lots 
 of women are able to fool their love-blind husbands by 
 the simple method of removing their teeth only after 
 their husbands have fallen asleep, and then getting up 
 first in the morning. 
 
 Cec. What a splendid idea. 
 
 Doc. Oh, it's the easiest thing in the world to fool 
 them about a thing like that. You see it isn't like a 
 wooden leg, for instance. I beg your pardon. 
 
 Cec. Doctor, I'm surprised at you. 
 
 Doc. Of course my remarks are intended in a 
 professional sense, you understand. Now let's try again. 
 (Cec. lies back in chair.) Open, please. (Inserts teeth.) 
 Now bite. How's that now? 
 
 Cec. {biting doubtfully). Something wrong yet. 
 
 Doc. {examining) . Oh, now I see what it is. {Re- 
 moves teeth.) Now I'll tell you what to do. Can you 
 come back in an hour ? 
 
 Cec. {rising).' I suppose I'll have to if you say so. 
 Will it be ready then? 
 
 Doc. Positively. And I know you will be well 
 pleased. 
 
 Cec. {putting on hat and veil). Very well, doctor. I 
 have some shopping to do and v/ill be back in an hour. 
 Au revoir! 
 
 Doc. {letting her out r. u. e.). Au revoir. Miss Singer. 
 (Doc. looks at his watch. He takes off his white coat 
 and puts on his street coat and hat, then looks at his 
 appointment book and smiles. Aside.) Funny thing 
 that. Clarence Sweetser is due here this afternoon to 
 try on his new set. And she's his intended ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 I can just picture that couple secretly hustling for their 
 teeth the morning after their wedding. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 Well, I guess I'll go to the corner for a sandwich and 
 hurry back and finish this job. [Exit, r. u. e.' 
 
 Enter Thief from l. He is neatly attired, and carries 
 a small hand satchel. He listens at the doors and 
 moves about the room very quickly and noiselessly. 
 Examines drawers in cabinet, etc. 
 
 Thief {aside). Gee, this is the greatest graft I ever 
 
8 A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 
 
 Struck— and so genteel, too ! Nothing but dentists' 
 offices for me in future. Platinum and gold for me all 
 right. Pine and dandy ! Nothing bulky about it, and 
 
 easy to get rid of. Let me see {Picks up nezvs- 
 
 paper from table.) What's the last quotation on plati- 
 num? Here it is, $ioo an ounce. Not bad, what? 
 {Takes down small bottles from shelf.) Only two 
 ounces. Well, that's pretty fair. What's in here? 
 {Opens cahinet drazver.) Oh, some nice gold sets. Two 
 of them! {Takes out tzuo sets of teeth and tests them.) 
 Nice and heavy. {Puts them in his satchel.) Does nice 
 work, this fellow. I think I'll call on him some day and 
 have him look over my teeth. It's nothing but fair. I 
 believe in reciprocity all right. Well, I must be going 
 now, doctor. Au revoir, old man, au revoir. 
 
 [Exits at L. 
 
 Enter Doc, r. u. e., smoking cigar and in good spirits. 
 Leisurely removes his hat and coat and puts on his 
 zvhite jacket. Sits in armchair and smokes com- 
 fortably for a fezv moments, then rises. 
 
 Doc. I guess I'll get busy now and fix that girl's 
 plate. {Crosses to cabinet and discovers that it has been 
 ransacked. Rushes about in great excitement.) By 
 Jove, I've been robbed. What the devil will I do now? 
 And that girl will be here for her teeth any minute. 
 
 {Rushes up and down the room in a distracted manner. 
 There^ is a knock at the door. He opens it and 
 admits Cec.) 
 
 Cec. {noticing his disturbed air). What is the matter, 
 doctor ? 
 
 Doc. {excitedly). Something dreadful has happened. 
 I can hardly take courage to tell you. 
 
 Cec. {greatly disturbed). Dear me, what can you 
 mean ? 
 
 Doc. {desperately). I've been robbed. 
 
 Cec. Robbed ? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But you 
 shouldn't leave money lying around. 
 
 Doc. {pidling his hair). Money? It's worse than 
 
A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 9 
 
 that. The thief took all my platinum and gold; and — 
 and two sets of teeth — including yours ! 
 
 Cec. (in hysterics). Oh, doctor, what shall I do? 
 What shall I do? Oh— oh ! 
 
 (Shozvs symptoms of fainting, then bursts out crying.) 
 
 Doc. {trying to soothe her). Please don't take it so 
 much to heart, my dear lady. Control yourself. It will 
 be all right. Please don't cry. 
 
 Cec. (sobbing). Oh, what shall I do? What shall I 
 do ? And Clarence is coming to-night. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 (Doc, in trying to soothe her, puts his arm gently 
 about her waist and pats her cheek. While in this 
 position the door opens and Clarence Sweetser 
 enters. He gaaes in astonishment at Doc. and Cec, 
 zvho quickly covers her mouth with a handkerchief. 
 Clar. also does the same. Doc, foreseeing trouble, 
 pidls his hair in distraction and exits, leaving Cec 
 and Clar. looking at each other in great embarrass- 
 ment. They both keep their. mouths covered with 
 their handkerchiefs. Finally Clar. takes up a pad 
 and hurriedly zvrites something on it, and hands it to 
 her, at the same time conveying in pantomime that 
 he is suffering with a toothache as an explanation of 
 his presence there. Cec nods her head, points to 
 her face and does the same business. Both try hard 
 to refrain from speaking and thus expose their lack 
 of teeth. At last Clar. musters up courage, puts his 
 handkerchief away and addresses her with a lisp. ) 
 
 Clar. (in an angry tone). What does this mean, 
 Cecilia? Explain yourself. What were you doing here, 
 and how dare you allow the doctor to 
 
 Cec (removing her handkerchief and talking zvith a 
 lisp). Oh, Clarence, dear, I cannot deceive you any 
 longer, I — I — I 
 
 Clar. (dramatically, but still lisping). Speak! Speak! 
 Don't keep me in suspense. Speak, I say. 
 
 Cec (in despair). I'm trying to speak, Clarence, but 
 I can't speak. Oh, Clarence dear, can't you see 
 
TO A ROMANCE IN PORCELAIN 
 
 Clar. (excitedly). See nothing; and say, Cecilia, are 
 you trying to mock me? Where's that scoundrel? 
 Where is he? 
 
 Cec. (taking him by the arm). Oh, Clarence, how can 
 you say such things to me. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Clar. (trying to get away from her). Say such 
 things? That's the trouble. I can't say them. Oh, 
 where is he? W^here is he? 
 
 Clc. Oh, darling, you surely don't suspect — 
 
 Clar. (savagely). Suspect? Say, you must think 
 I'm blind. And look here, if you mock me again 
 
 Cec. Goodness, gracious ! Who's mocking you ? I 
 suspect you're mocking me. 
 
 Clar. (shaking his fist at her). Say, Cecilia, if you 
 say suspect again, I'll shoot you. Say something else, 
 can't you ? 
 
 Cec. Clarence, dear, can't you see that I can't speak? 
 
 I — I — I (Sobs.) Oh, darling, I — I deceived you. 
 
 I — I — came here for my upper set. 
 
 Clar. (excitedly) . Say that again, and speak plainly, 
 will you? 
 
 Cec. (sobbing). I said I came here for my upper set. 
 Oh, please don't distress me. Oh, oh, oh ! 
 
 Clar. (embracing her). Poor Cecilia! Now I under- 
 stand. Ha, ha, ha ! Listen, dearest, I came for my 
 upper set too. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Cec. Oh, I'm so mortified, dearest. I can't look you 
 in the face. 
 
 Clar. (kissing her). Don't distress yourself any 
 longer, little girl. 
 
 Cec. But, darling, you haven't heard the worst yet. 
 
 Clar. (suddenly releasing her). Then my suspicions — 
 
 my suspicions were Oh, Cecilia, I can't believe it 
 
 of you. Say it isn't true ! 
 
 Cec. Oh, don't be silly. The doctor was trying to 
 console me because — because 
 
 Clar. Because what? Speak! 
 
 Cec. I'm trying to speak, ain't I ? 
 
 Clar. For Heaven's sake go on, won't you? 
 
 Cec. Oh, it's terrible, awful — but, darling, some cruel 
 thief robbed the doctor to-dav, and stole all the teeth in 
 
A ROrJANCE IN PORCELAIN H 
 
 the place — including mine — mine Oh, dear' Oh 
 
 dear! ' ' * 
 
 Clar. Jerusalem! And mine too! 
 
 Cec. Isn't it awful? Oh, oh, oh! 
 
 (Bursts out crying.) 
 
 Clar. {caressing her). Ah, don't cry, dear, don't cry. 
 
 (Doc. hursts into the room, carrying a small package 
 and an open letter.) 
 
 Doc. Cheer up, cheer up. Everything is all right. 
 Listen. {Reads letter.) " Dear Doctor: I am return- 
 ing you herewith two sets of teeth which mysteriously 
 found their way into my satchel to-day, during a flying 
 visit to your office. As I have a soft heart, which I 
 inherit from my maternal grandmother, I could not con- 
 scientiously keep those sets, which doubtless belong to 
 two anxious clients of yours; so accept them with my 
 compliments. Yours truly. Biff Bullinger." 
 
 Cec. {clasping her hands). Oh, isn't he a lovely 
 burglar ? 
 
 Clar. He's a perfect gentleman, all right. 
 
 Doc. {adjusting both their sets). Now both bite. 
 
 Clar. {embracing Cec. and talking without the lisp). 
 Oh, Cecilia ! 
 
 Cec. {without the lisp). Oh, Clarence! 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
Two New Prompt Books 
 
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 THE WINTER'S TALE 
 
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 Viil.lll^lyLf tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 INfiOMAtt ^^^y ^" ^^^® -^^t^- Thirteen males, three females. 
 iiiuviTi/ii\ Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 
 
 MARY STIIAPT Tragedy in rive Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
 ifiAt\i tjtuHiiA males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
 period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE MERCHANT OF VENICE ^SS;ii?^f:J£lt: ^^"^S. 
 
 picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 RICHPT IFII ^^*y ^^ ^i^6 -^cts. Fifteen males, two females. Seen- 
 evening. 
 
 J- irtj ju jLivc!.«.ui,&. xiitetsuiiiaies, iwoieinaies. cscen- 
 ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
 
 THF RIVAT S comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females, 
 i iiL« ui T i\L,kJ Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^S^V^ ,^,t,.i'%-..S^ 
 
 ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOD WILL SrA^"n.S.7, 
 
 three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Salter 1^. T5a6er & Company 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
 ■ . J. PARKHILU a CO., PRINTKA8. BOSTON. U.S.A.