PR 4-079 imtm Qass - R 4 7 :^ Rmk ^ _ ?f7 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB; In SliiDraturt in Wmt BY R W. N. BAY LEY. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS REDUCED FROM AUBRY'S DRAWINGS. LONDON : WILLIAM S. ORR & CO., AMEN CORNER ONE SHILLING. !S ^^ THOMAS HABRTLD. rSIXTEK, SfLVER STREET, FALCON SQUABE, LONDON. /O ^???r^^ /ri f I* •■• V 'ri ^ %n Hdi) future tti lersf. ^^ BX jPoir.E'oBAXILEir, Witk ULustratioiLS designed Id j LIE TT^ COTTOlS^, and Drawn "bj AUBRY. PATEKKOSTER ROW. G-jij'Tizh'S -Patent on/ Stect. THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. AN ADVENTURE IN VERSE. 2f( , BY F. W: N. BAYLEY. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS, JBestgneU fig LIEUTENANT J. S. COTTON, anU teUucclr from * ^z AUBRY'S DRAWINGS. LONDON : WM. S. OER AND CO., AMEN CORNER, PATERNOSTER ROW. 1847. A" LONDON : GEORGE WOODFALL AND SON, ANGEL COURT, SKINNER STREET. 'V^ A NEW INTRODUCTION. Some years ago the public head Was half turn'd with this tale ; And, like our Indian history, It had a General Sale. And tho' not destinied to be Of his grand immortality, Who died embraced by victory, Yet did its star prevail IV INTRODUCTION. In such a true triumphant sort, That sellers sold, and buyers bought ; The " New Tale of a Tub " made thrift ; And tho' not " by the Dean^' its sale was Swift ! What light upon the public broke, To make it go, I did not know : — At first I took it for a joke ; And thought perhaps, as T U B Is still a tub as B U T, They meant to make a Butt of me. But no ! In manner terse, My publisher declared that could not be, Because as yet my Tub had no reverse. INTRODUCTION. Into his lap half guineas rolled, As I was told, Five thousand fold ! — So lucky did he find it, 'Twas bruited with a loud hub-bub. That besides making bub and grub. He'd start his Cab upon his Tvl), And mount his tiger without fail (As soon as he'd untied the tail) Behind it ! Presume a west-end fortune made ! Now tempts the book an Eastern trade. It is an Eastern story ; — Let ORR and Co, Then make it go VI INTRODUCTION. As fast in Paternoster Row, The double-quick of glory ! Dear Public — that half guineas dropt a few — The book drops its half-guinea now for you ! Nor will the poet frown, Nor angry blame, If when deprived of money's double crown He's but half crown' d by fame ! Poor Aubry's drawings — they were but the last Light lingering touches of a spirit past. He is no more — they wear their frolic whim, To tell what Art and Humour lost in him ! By war's adventure — or my mind misgives, Lieutenant Cotton now a Captain lives. mW INTRODUCTION. VU R.A. — the' not elected for this funnery, But, or for engineering or for gunnery, Elseway R.A. — by dint of Ordnance drillery. And Royal in the sense of the x^rtillery. If I create him a Gun Cotton so, Amen ! Gun Cotton now is all the go ! And I've no doubt, without a word of scoff. Will make the " New Tale of a Tub" go off ! I see the Tale Pack'd in a Bale The Tiger charged — the Barrel well ramm'd down, And ready to explode for HALF-A-CROWN. F. W. N. Bayley. THE NEW TALE OF A TUB OPENING THE QUESTION. The Orient day was fresh and fair, A breeze sang soft in the ambient air, Men almost wondered to find it there Blowing so near Bengal, Where waters bubble as boiled in a pot, And the gold of the sun spreads melting hot, And there's hardly a breath of wind to be got At any price at all ! B 4 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Unless, indeed, when the great Simoom Gets up from its bed with the voice of doom ; And deserts no rains e'er drench Rise up and roar with a dreadful gust. Pillars of sand and clouds of dust Rushing unsifted, and rapid to burst. And filling all India's throat with a thirst That its Ganges couldn't quench ! No great Simoom rose up to-day, But only a gentle breeze. And that of such silent and voiceless play That a lady's bustle Had made more rustle Than it did among the trees ! THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 'Twas not like the breath of a British vale, Where each Green acre is blest with a Gale Whenever the natives please ; But it was of that soft inviting sort, That it tempted to revel in pic-nic sport A couple of Bengalese ! Two Bengalese, Resolved to seize The balmy chance of that cool-wing'd weather. To revel in Bengal ease together. One was tall, the other was stout, They were natives both of the glorious East, And both so fond of a rural feast, That off they roamed to a country plain B 2 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Where the breeze roved free about, That during its visit brief, at least, If it never were able to blow again. It might blow upon their blow-out ! The country plain gave a view as small As ever man clapped his eyes on. Where the sense of sight did easily pall, For it kept on seeing nothing at all, ♦ As far as the far horizon ! Nothing at all ! Oh ! what do I say, Something certainly stood in the way, Breaking that eastern sun's bright ray, A dark looming object to gaze on. It was a sort of hermaphrodite thing, THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. It might have been filled with sugar or ling, But is very unfit for a Muse to sing, 'Twas betwixt a Tub and a Barrel ! It stood in the midst of that Indian plain, Burning with sunshine — pining for rain, — A parenthesis balanced 'twixt pleasure and pain,- And as stiff as if it were starching : When up to it, over the brown and green Of that Indian soil, were suddenly seen Two gentlemen anxiously marching ! Those two gentlemen were, if you please, The aforesaid couple of Bengalese ! And the Tub or Barrel that stood beyond — For short we will call it Tub ! 8 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Contained with pride, In its jolly inside, The prize of which they were doatingly fond, The aforesaid gentlemen's grub ! " Leave us alone — come man or come beast," Said the eldest, " we'll soon have a shy at the feast ! " They are now at their pic-nic with might and with main. But what do we see in the front of the plain ? A jungle, a thicket of bush, weed, and grass, And in it reposing — eh — no ! not an ass — Not an ass, not an ass, that could not come to pass ; No donkey, no donkey, no donkey at all. But superb in his slumber, a Royal Bengal ! THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 9 Tho' Royal, he wasn't a king ! No such thing ! He didn't rule lands from the Thames to the Niger, But he did hold a reign O'er that jungle and plain, And besides, was a very magnificent Tiger ! There he lay, in his skin so gay. His passions at rest, and his appetites curbed ; A Minister Prime, In his proudest time. Asleep, was never less undisturbed ; For who would come to shake him ? For it's certain sure, in his dream demure. That none would dare to wake him. 10 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Oh the Royal snore is the only thing That's entitled to rouse up a Tiger-king ! ■ ; mm ■i-'EV; \i '. •■ THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. H BENGAL EASE. The Bengalese, in cool apparel, Meanwhile have reached their pic-nic barrel ; In other words, they have tossed the grub Out of their great provision tub. And standing it up for shelter, Sit guzzling underneath its shade. With a glorious dinner ready made, Which they're eating helter-skelter ! Ham and chicken, and bread and cheese, They make a pass to spread on the grass. 12 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. They sit at ease, with their plates on their knees, And now their hungry jaws they appease. And now they turn to the glass ; For Hodgson's ale Is genuine pale, And the bright champagne Flows not in vain, The most convivial souls to please Of these very thirsty Bengalese ! But one of the two has relinquished his fork. And wakes up the Tiger by drawing a cork ! Blurting and spirting ! List ! list ! Perhaps the Tiger thinks he is hiss'd ! THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 13 Effervescing and whizzed and phizzed ! Perhaps his Majesty thinks he is quizzed, Or haply deems, As he's roused from his dreams. That his visions have come to a thirsty stop, And resolves to moisten his throat with a drop. At all events, with body and soul. He gives in his jungle a stretch and a roll, Then regally rises to go for a stroll. With a temperate mind, For a beast of his kind. And a tail uncommonly long behind ! He knows of no water, By field or by flood ; 14 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. He does not seek slaughter, He does not scent blood ; No ! the utmost scope Of his limited hope, Is, that these Bengalese when they find he arrives, May not rise from their pic-nic and run for their lives. But simply bow on that beautiful plain. And offer Sir Tiger a glass of Champagne ! " From my jungle it true is, They 'woke me, I think, So the least they can do is To give me some drink." THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 15 THE ARTFUL DODGE. Gently Tiger crouches along, Humming a kind of animal song, A sweet subdued familiar lay As ever was warbled by beast of prey, And all so softly, tunefully done, That it made no more sound Than his shade on the ground, So the Bengalese heard it, never a one ! 16 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Gently Tiger steals along, " Mild as moon-beam," meek as lamb ; What so suddenly changes his song From a tune to a growl? " Och, by my sowl. Nothing on earth but the smell of the ham ! He quickens his pace, The illigant baste. And he's running a race With himself for a taste, And he's taken to roaring and given up humming, Just to let the two Bengalese know he is coming ! What terrors seize the Bengalese ! As the roar of the tiger reaches their ears, THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 17 " Short-aiid -stout," with his hair all grey, Has a rattling note, in his jolly old throat : If choking his laugh with a truss of hay, He couldn't more surely have stifled the gay. While " Tall-and-thin," with his hair all carroty, Looks thrice as red, with fright, as his head. And his face bounds plump, at a single jump. Into horror, and out of hilarity ! All they can hear, in their terrible fear. Behind and before, is the Tiger's roar ; Again and again, over the plain. Clearer and clearer — nearer and nearer, Into the tub, now, its way it has found. Where its echoes keep rolling round and round, Till out of the bung-hole they bursting come. Like a regiment of thunders escaped from a drum ! 18 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. If an earthquake had shattered a thousand kegs, The terrified Bengalese couldn't — i'fegs — Have leapt more rapidly on to their legs. He's at 'em, he's on 'em, the jungle guest : When a man's life by peril is prest. His wits will sometimes be at their best ; So the presence of Tiger I find Inspires our heroes with presence of mind ! There's no time to be lost, Down the glasses are tost ; The Bengalese have abandon'd their grub, And they're dodging their gentleman round the Tub ! Active and earnest, they nowhere lodge. And he can't get at them because of their dodge ; " Short-and-stout " and " Tall-and-thin " Never before such a scrape were in ; THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 19 Nor ever yet used — can you well have a doubt of it?— So uncommonly artful a dodge to get out of it ! 20 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. Tiger keeps prowling, Howling and growling ; He feels himself that their dodge is clever ; But the quick fresh blood of the Bengalese, Nicer and nicer he snuffs on the breeze ! The more they practise their dodge recitals, The more he longs to dine on their vitals ! His passion is up ! his hunger is keen ! His jaws are ready ! his teeth are clean ! And equal their limbs to sever ! THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 21 The fire is flashing in light from his eyes ! In his own peculiar manner he cries — The while they shine, " If I mean to dine, I had. better begin," He said with a grin, And a voice the loudest that ever was heard. Seemed to say, " Never trust to a Tiger's word ; If this dodge shall last much longer ! No, no, no, no, — it shall be no go ! There's a way of disturbing this Tub's repose ; So down on your knees. You Bengalese, And prepare to be eaten up if you please, Here goes ! c 2 22 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. Here goes ! here goes !" and he gave a sprmg; The gentlemen looking for no feuch thing, Might have fallen a prey to the Tiger-king. But a certain interference, Which bursts from their most intelligent Tub, May enable them yet to return to their grub, On the self-same plain a year hence ! The Tub, tho' empty of roll and ration, Is full of a certain preservation — Of which, though it does not follow In every case of argumentation,— It is full because it is hollow ! For not having a top, and no inside things. It turns top-heavy when Tiger springs ! And making a kind of a balancing pause. Keeps holding the animal up by his claws. THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 23 In a manner that seems to fret it ; While " Short-and-stout," in- a state of doubt, Keeps on his belly a sharp look-out ; And " Tall-and-thin," with an impudent grin, Exults in his way, As much as to say, I only wish you may get it ! But much as I may respect your agility, I don't see at present the great probability ! 24 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. UNDER COVER. The Tiger has leapt up heart and soul, It's clear that he means to go the whole Hog, in his hungry efforts to seize The two defianeeful Bengalese ! But the Tub ! the Tub ! Ay, there's the rub ! At present he's balanced atop of the Tub His fore legs inside. And the rest of his hide. W; THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 25 Not weighing so much as his head and his legs, And having no hand in A pure understandin' Of the just equilibrium of casks and of kegs, Not bred up in attics, Nor taught mathematics, To work out the problems of Euclid with pegs ! He has plunged with the impetus wild of a lover. And the tub has loomed large, balanced, paused, and turned over ! The Tiger at first had a hobby-horse ride, But now he is decently quartered inside, And the question is next, long as fortune may frown on him. How the two Bengalese are to keep the tub down on him ! 26 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 'Bout this there's no blunder, The Tiger is under The Tub ! My verse need not run To the length of a sonnet, To tell how the Bengalese Both jump upon it, While the' beautiful barrel Keeps acting as bonnet To the Tiger inside, Who no more in his pride Can roam over jungle and plain, But sheltered alike from the sun and the rain, Around its interior his sides deigns to rub With a fearful hub-bub, He longs for his freedom again ! THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 27 The two Bengalese, Not at all at their ease, Hear him roar, And deplore Their prospects as sore, Forgetting both pic-nic and flask : Each wondering dumb What of both will become, Helps the other to press on the cask ; Resign'd to their fate, But increasinof their weisfht, By action of muscle and sinew. In order that forcibly you, Mr. Tub, Whom their Niggers this morning Roll'd here with their grub. May still keep the Tiger withm you. 28 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. On the top of the Tub, In the warmest of shkts, The thin man stands, While the fat by his skirts Holds — anxiously puffing and blowing ; And the thin peers over the top of the cask, " Is there any hope for us," As much as to ask. With a countenance cunning and knowing ; And just as he mournfully 'gins to bewail, In a grief-song that ought to be sung whole, He twigs the long end of the old Tiger's tail As it twists itself out of the bung-hole ! Then sharp on the watch, He gives it a catch, And shouts to the Tiger, " You've now got your match ; THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 29 You may rush and may riot, may wriggle and roar, But I'm blest if I let your tail go any more ! It's as safe as a young roasted pig in a larder. And no two Bengalese could hold on by it harder !" 30 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. INCREASING THE INTEREST OF THE TAIL. With the Tiger's tail clenched fast in his fist, And his own coat-tail grasped fast to assist, Stands " Tall-and-thin," with " Short-and-stout," Each on the top of the Tub to scout, Tiger within, and they without. And all in a pretty pickle ! Tiger begins by giving a bound ; The Tub's half turn'd, but the men are found To have very carefully junip'd to the ground, ^ THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 31 At trifles they must not stickle. It's no use quaking and turning pale, Pluck and patience must now prevail, They must keep a hold on the Tiger's tail. And neither one be fickle ! There they must pull if they pull for weeks. Straining their stomachs, and bursting their cheeks, While Tiger alternately roars and squeaks, Trying to break away from 'em ; They must keep the Tub turned over his back, And never let his long tail get slack. For fear he should win the day from 'em. Yes ! yes ! they must hold him tight, From night till morning ! from morn till night ! Mustn't stop to eat ! mustn't stop to weep ! Mustn't stop to drink ! mustn't stop to sleep ! 32 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. No cry ! no laugh ! no rest ! no grub ! Till they starve the Tiger under the Tub ! Till the animal dies, To his own surprise, With two Bengalese, in a deadly quarrel, And his tail thrust through the hole of a barrel ! Oh dear ! oh dear ! it's very clear They can't live so — but they daren't let go, Fate for a pitying world to wail. Starving behind a Tiger's tail ! If Invention be Necessity's Son, Now let him tell them what's to be done. What's to be done ! ha ! I see a grin Of joy on the face of " Tall-and-thin." Some new device he has hit in a trice, THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. 33 The which he is telling all about To the gratified gentleman " Short-and-stout." What's to be done ! what precious fun, Haven t they found out what's to be done ! See ! see ! what glorious glee ! Note ! mark ! what a capital lark, Tiger and Tub, and bunghole and all Baffled by what is about to befall ; Excellent ! marvellous ! beautiful ! ! Isnt it now an original go ! What, stop ! I'm ready to drop ! Hold ! stay ! I'm fainting away, Laughter I'm certain '11 kill me to-day ; 34 THE NEW TALE OF A TUB. And " Short-and-stout " is bursting his skin, And almost in fits is " Tall-and-thin," And Tiger is free, yet they do not quail, Tho' temper has all gone wrong with him ; No ! they've tied a Knot in the Tiger's Tail, And he carries the Tub along with him ; He's a freehold for life, with a tail out of joint. And has made his last CLIMAX A TRUE KNOTTY POINT. G. Woodfall and Son> Printers, Angel Court, Skinner Street, London. WORKS PUBLISHED BY W. S. ORR & CO., AilEN COENEE, PATEENOSTER ROW. ILLUSTRATED WORKS. 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