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$ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.* 
 
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 J UNITED STATES OP .AMERICA. J 
 
THE 
 
 REIGN OF HUMBUG 
 
 A SATIRE. 
 
MARCHANT, PRINTER, INGRAMCOURT, FENCHURCM-STREET. 
 
THE 
 
 REIGN OF HUMBUG 
 
 A SATIRE. 
 
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 Aristoph. Acharn. 655. 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PELHAM RICHARDSON, CORNHILL; 
 
 SOLD ALSO BY T. STEVENSON, CAMBRIDGE J AND J. L. WHEELER, 
 
 OXFORD. 
 
 1836. 
 
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 Aristoph. Nubes, 329. 
 
 ( The Clouds enter.) 
 Socrates. — Didst thou not know that these were goddesses? 
 
 Streps i ades. — No ! by the Thunderer, I always fancied 
 
 That they were mist, and fog, and dew, and smoke. 
 
 Socrates. — Not so, by Jove, these are the foster-mothers 
 Of all our sophist spouters, crisis prophets, 
 Quack-med'cine venders, lisping essenc'd dandies, 
 Writers of tales of fashion, ballet-masters, 
 And gazers after comets. 
 
 Aristophanes, Clouds, Actl. 
 
TABLE OF CONTENTS. 
 
 Preface to First Edition ...-. . . Page ix 
 
 Preface to Second Edition ....... M .. . . . —. .... . .^—* xiii 
 
 Opinions of the Press ^^. ... -.- ^- xvi 
 
 Canto the First .... 1 
 
 Canto the Second 29 
 
PREFACE 
 
 FIRST EDITION. 
 
 I trust that the public will receive with much 
 indulgence this attempt to expose the wretched 
 sophistry that pervades so many affairs, whether 
 public or private, in the present day. I have used 
 the term Humbug to designate this principle, con- 
 sidering that it is now adopted into our language 
 as much as the words Dunce, Jockey, Cheat, 
 Swindler, &c. which were formerly only colloquial 
 terms, and because I know of no word in any lan- 
 guage, ancient or modern, that so fully expresses 
 not only the cant but the very acts of our modern 
 pretenders. I have ventured to choose the style 
 
X PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION. 
 
 adopted by the authors of the Lutrin, Dunciad, and 
 of many other works far superior to mine ; but I 
 believe that I shall not be found to belong to the 
 " servum pecus" of imitators, much less shall I 
 be charged with the greater sin — that of being a 
 copyist. 
 
 I attack no one's opinions per se, provided they 
 are such that Englishmen may form and avow ; but 
 I attack, and I wish I had ten times the power to do 
 it, the effeminacy, the inconsistency, the cant, the ra- 
 pacity we are unfortunately too well acquainted with. 
 The reforming place-hunter, the tyrannical spouter 
 about liberty, the theorist, the heartless philanthro- 
 pist, the projector, the quack, whether medical or 
 political, have succeeded so well lately that it is 
 time some effort were made to stop them. How 
 feeble soever this effort may be, still the feeblest 
 attempt is of use, and I trust that the public will 
 give me the encouragement due to the straight- 
 forward and plain-spoken. 
 
 There is an observation of Pitt's that John Bull 
 was like an ass, — he would bear almost any burden 
 
PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION. XI 
 
 provided it was put on a little at a time. " Put on 
 too much at once," said he, " and you'll get your 
 brains kicked out." Both rich and poor, Tory and 
 Radical, have been pretty well burthened lately ; 
 but some how or other no one kicks. The poor 
 have had successively the selling their carcasses to 
 the Anatomist, — the transporting their young to 
 Canada and Sierra Leone, — the Poor-law Bill, and 
 the Bastille system in prisons ; the rich landlord 
 has had his rents lowered, — the rich merchant has 
 been ruined by the free-trade system, yet all sub- 
 mit, and why ? the poor are humbugged with the 
 word liberty, and the rich by the word liberalism. 
 The Radical was encouraged to form political 
 unions, but when he formed trades' unions they 
 transported him ; he was permitted to sell un- 
 stamped papers till he threw their inconsistency in 
 their teeth, then he was persecuted without pity, 
 and made to feel the tender mercies of small hand- 
 cuffs and the silent system; yet such is the power 
 of humbug, that I have no doubt if the Whigs were 
 to resign to-morrow, and were to " agitate" and 
 
Xll PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION. 
 
 raise their old cry of " freedom and no corruption," 
 that the Radicals would lick their feet and strive 
 their best to bring them in again. 
 
 I trust in exposing these things I cannot be 
 blamed by any honest unprejudiced mind. I have 
 attacked no one personally, and I think that none 
 but Humbugs will feel sore at any of my remarks. 
 I hope I have given to every one I have men- 
 tioned the merit due to him, and that neither 
 religion nor morality will be hurt or affected in my 
 pages. I' believe, on the contrary, that I may say 
 in the words of my motto — 
 
 Fear not the Poet e'er will satirize 
 
 The good and virtuous ; no ! he hopes to teach 
 
 The road to honour that ye may be happy. 
 
 August, 1836. 
 
PREFACE 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 I think I should be deficient in a proper feeling 
 if I did not express my gratification at the very 
 favourable manner in which the Reign of Humbug 
 has been received by the public. The praises I 
 have been honoured with from private individuals, 
 though preserving a strict incognito, and the 
 flattering testimonials afforded me by the different 
 periodicals, have induced me to venture on a 
 second edition. I have subjoined these notices, 
 that the public may judge whether I have not 
 ground to hope for a continuance of support. 
 
XIV PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION. 
 
 With one exception, I beg to acknowledge them 
 as far exceeding what I expected ; and this ex- 
 ception is of so curious a nature, that I am 
 induced to offer a few remarks upon it. 
 
 A publication, priding itself upon being the most 
 " liberal'' of all periodicals, has been pleased to 
 acknowledge that I possess " considerable clever- 
 ness," but lays to my charge " abundant impu- 
 dence." As I can safely say I attack principles 
 only, or rather the want of them, it seems to 
 me that such a charge comes with a very bad 
 grace from such a source. It was the fashion 
 for Whigs at one time to speak of the liberty of 
 the Press as of equal importance with the air 
 they breathed ; but this spirit has evaporated. The 
 magnates bring actions against any pen bold 
 enough to impugn themselves or their measures ; 
 and if you but touch the party, their Press 
 breaks forth in lordly contempt, and dubs the 
 unhappy wight either ignorant or impudent. Ts 
 the cause of peculation sacred ? If so, I fear I 
 
PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION. XV 
 
 shall be impudent enough to continue my attacks 
 upon it. Are the modern political economy and 
 modern philanthropy — the modern education system 
 and the modern place-hunting — are these such 
 holy things that a breath must not be raised 
 against them ? Is it impudence to attack incon- 
 sistency, tergiversation, hypocrisy, pretence, cant, 
 pilfering, and humbug ? I have attacked nothing- 
 else, and yet a liberal calls me impudent. Are 
 we, then, to pursue the inquiry, and endeavour 
 to discover how far " modern liberalism" is to 
 be identified with these things ? I may do it 
 at length some day ; at present I leave it to the 
 public to do. 
 
 November, 1836. 
 
OPINIONS OF THE PRESS. 
 
 " A very clever satire with this title has just been published." -- 
 Times. 
 
 " The Preface is at once vigorous and modest, and the verse of a 
 right hearty feeling." — Post. 
 
 " With fair acquaintance with the satirists of antiquity, the power 
 of inditing level versification, and a due apprehension of what is going 
 on around him, the author has given us his opinion of many of the 
 topics of the times in a terse and forcible manner." — Literary Gazette. 
 
 " This is a very clever satirical poem, in the Lutrin or Dunciad 
 style, and happily pourtrays the modern system of humbug which so 
 pre-eminently distinguishes not only modern politics, but the modern 
 system of political economy." — Agriculturist. 
 
 " A clever Tory satire." — Spectator. 
 
 " An exceedingly clever imitation of the Dunciad, and evidently 
 the production of a person of considerable genius and of no small 
 scholarship." — New Monthly. 
 
 " Plenty of loose-principled Toryism, (for there is, we allow, a 
 principled Toryism,) abundant impudence, and considerable cleverness. 
 — Yet the medical quacks, the railroad raisers of the wind, the colonizing 
 and literary quacks, and the dishonest bankrupt are well chastised." — 
 Tait. 
 
 " He mows with a strong scythe; it is a terrible one — it lacerates 
 like a saw rather than cuts like a razor. But this powerful coarseness 
 is only in the thought; the versification is singularly polished, and 
 proves the author to be fluent in the noblest diction of the Muse. The 
 tone is conservative, but not bigotedly so." — Metropolitan. 
 
CANTO THE FIRST, 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 The Poem openeth by a glowing proposition of the subject, namely, 
 Humbug, the Goddess thereof, and the principal favourite of the said 
 Goddess; — then followeth an unutterably sublime invocation, wherein 
 the Author, puffed up by a wondrous afflatus, desireth such fame as the 
 Goddess alone can give, and which alone is valued in the present day. 
 The scene then openeth, and dazzleth the reader by a gorgeous description 
 of the Temple of the Goddess. Then is introduced the Hero ; he sits 
 in the Temple and soliloquizes ; and the reader meltetb while he describes 
 his own transcendant talents, and the incredulity of the world respecting 
 their existence ; then, mourning over the loss of popularity, he pours 
 forth classic libations ; at which description the reader longeth for some. 
 Certain visions arise of the most splendid and unlooked-for character ; 
 these and the libations overpower him, and he falls. Then the Author 
 displayeth wondrous knowledge of Immortals and Blues, and the Goddess 
 is introduced ; the pervading effects of her presence, both on earth and 
 sky, are then related ; she bends over the hero, — kisses him, and raises 
 him from earth; — he begins to recognize her, and dismally groaneth over 
 this world's usage;— the Goddess cheers and praises him, and recom- 
 mends a change of air. Here the Author displayeth the profoundest 
 knowledge of the practice of medicine. They ascend to the Goddess's 
 other kingdom — the moon ; — a splendid description of the ascent ; — the 
 projects and the castles they see in the air ; — the palace in the moon, and 
 its contents, are also delineated by the Author, even until the enchanted 
 reader placeth him above Ariosto. A grave parallel is drawn between the 
 palace and certain lunar-like erections on earth below, wherein the Author 
 conceiteth to himself much knowledge in architecture. The Queen 
 sheweth the Hero to the admiring crowd, who welcome him in the 
 warmest manner : and this sublime Canto concludeth with a Homeric 
 simile, wherein the Hero's deeds are compared with those of another 
 hero, and the applause incident thereto is graphically told. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 CANTO I 
 
 The mighty Hero, # and the mightier Dame, — 
 Source of his wit, — creator of his fame — 
 I sing. Oh ! thou, who hast extended reign 
 O'er vacant pocket, and o'er empty brain, 
 Ruler of words and wind,f whose influence still 
 The vacant brain and pocket helps to fill ; 
 Goddess of Humbug ! and the wordy pack, 
 Projector., sophist, orator, and quack ; 
 
 * "Avfyci pen hvinti Mova-ocy x. r. A. — OdYSS. i. 
 
 f tempestatesque sonoras 
 
 Imperio premit. — /En. i. 53. 
 
 B 2 
 
4 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Whether thou lov'st in Gower-street-fields to range, 
 
 Or walk'st the house, or haunt'st the Stock-Exchange, 
 
 Or hearest patriots thunder o'er the land, 
 
 Or sigh'st to see some dandy preacher's hand, 
 
 Or 'mongst old pictures lov'st to affect a taste, 
 
 Or giv'st to modern authors shears and paste, — 
 
 Inspire me, Goddess ! — Queen of earth and air, 
 
 Hear my warm vow, — accept my humble prayer; — 
 
 Oh ! guide my pen, and give me but to write, 
 
 Cloth'd in affected phrase, the sentence trite ; 
 
 While Newgate slang and schoolboy Greek conceal 
 
 The meagre thoughts from others that I steal ; 
 
 Give me to be (the modern author's fame) 
 
 Frothy, at once, and heavy, pert and tame ; 
 
 To drawl through three dull tomes, till sleep o'erpowers 
 
 The gentle reader with his poppy flowers ! 
 
 Oh ! grant me this, great Queen, and, sweet reward, 
 
 My publisher by sheet, or pound, or yard, 
 
 Shall pay my toil ; and Fame's loud trump shall tell 
 
 How full-pric'd thousands went off wondrous well; 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And, by long puffs inspired, my grateful lays, 
 
 In lengthen'd pseans, shall resound your praise. 
 
 And when in mists thou shroud'st thy wondrous form, 
 
 Loll'st on the breeze, or rid'st upon the storm, 
 
 Oh ! may my course be like the clouds that, driven, 
 
 Wing their swift way across the face of heaven, 
 
 Though dusky mists, yet causing many a stare, 
 
 Wondrous in show, yet nought but empty air; 
 
 And may my works, — like many a modern lay, — 
 
 As showy, empty, vapid, dull, as they, — 
 
 Still like thy clouds, — oh ! be my books impell'd, 
 
 And by long puffs above the crowd be held, 
 
 And urg'd along, through sether proudly sail, 
 
 In misty grandeur, " very like a whale !" 
 
 And may no chance in volumes send them down 
 
 To glut the sewers of fair London's town. 
 
 Twas on that classic soil, where once around 
 Huge heaps of dung and cinders strew'd the ground, 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And pigs and donkeys made their glad abode, 
 
 From Gray's Inn-lane to Tottenham-court's high road ; 
 
 But now, — so will the Fates, — a fabric stands, 
 
 And looks sublime o'er all the neighbouring lands. 
 
 Fair temple ! built with rarest art, it shows 
 
 How wondrous far a little science goes ; 
 
 How with hard names, urg'd o'er and o'er again, 
 
 A fame for skill each soulless block may gain, 
 
 A huge vast portico, # — but, wondrous taste, 
 
 High/f- at the first-floor- window, see 'tis plac'd ! 
 
 Stolen from Greece, like many a fine quotation, 
 
 'Tis only ruined by its situation. 
 
 The front, a wall with meagre rustics scor'd, 
 
 And thin pilasters, much resembling board, 
 
 * We remember the famous letters about " the Portico." If a man 
 
 has talent he should be the last to trumpet it forth ; — still less should he 
 
 place himself at the head of a talented profession ; — still less should he 
 
 issue his turgid commands to men as clever as himself, — " to eat their 
 
 ' pudding and hold their tongue." 
 
 f Regia Solis erat sublimibus alta columnis. — Ovid. Met. ii. 1. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 While congruous cupolas, from modern Rome, 
 Form a fit crown to modern learning's dome. 
 
 'Twas in these splendid halls the Hero sate, 
 And ponder'd o'er the various turns of Fate : 
 Before him stood, upon an ample board, 
 Rich vases, whence he full libations pour'd •» 
 
 Of sparkling fluids, darksome in their dye, 
 With water mingled, — but a small supply : 
 Around were glasses, pamphlets, bottles strown, 
 And pens and pewter on the floor were thrown ; 
 These wet with gall ; the other, (emblem fit 
 Of all the tribe, their science and their wit !) 
 The froth, still ling'ring, hung the rim around, 
 Below some dregs, the rest was empty found. 
 There sate the Hero,* — in his mighty soul, 
 Dark thoughts, like sable clouds in storms that roll, 
 
 * At medio torus est, ebeno sublimis in atra, 
 Quo cubat ipse Deus, membris languore solutis; 
 Hunc circa passim, varias imitantia formas 
 Somnia vana jacent. — Ovid Met. xi. 610. 
 
8 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Pass'd frequent, — frowns upon his brow took place? 
 And fearful twitchings fuTd his nose and face. 
 And thus, — " Are we, unhappy, all bereft 
 Of the mob's plaudits ? — is there nothing left 
 Of all our praises, all our sounding fame, 
 Though we affect, in vain, a liberal's name ? 
 While our fierce foes tell to each blushing face, 
 Our patriot zeal was but a love of place ; 
 Are all the projects that our brains compos'd, 
 As cheats, as visions, to the world expos'd? 
 Where are our local courts, our earliest care,* 
 Our long, long, beauteous protocols, oh ! where ? 
 These much-lov'd walls, — alas ! a desert scene, 
 And soap and butter stain our magazine. — 
 Our magazine ! the dearest of the whole !" 
 (And huge hot scalding tears began to roll, 
 Large as the tears, in Nilus' slimy bed, 
 Soft-hearted crocodiles when hungry shed,) 
 
 * The first essay of the liberals in legislation, and the first in foreign 
 policy — how sad they were ! the one scouted, the other laughed at by 
 every one. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 " Where ev'ry week we tell, in phrase profound, 
 
 How spades can dig, # and rakes can scratch the ground, 
 
 How fire beneath a pot makes water boil, 
 
 And lamps give light from cotton and from oil ; 
 
 Grave tales of cocks and bulls we oft transcribe, 
 
 And show our knowledge of the monkey-tribe. 
 
 But now the ungrateful public, whom we've told 
 
 That penny learning's better far than gold, 
 
 That, for their sakes alone, our labours plann'd 
 
 Must work a moral change throughout the land, 
 
 Despise our wond'rous book, and, one and all, 
 
 Our useful knowledge wretched humbug call. 
 
 If to the unstamp'd pressf for rest 1 fly, 
 
 The fiercest sarcasms meet my aching eye ; 
 
 * See the plate of a spade, rake, wheelbarrow, &c. in a late number, 
 f The unstamped press will not bend. Liberalism has called forth a 
 power it cannot rule, and its efforts to do so are, unfortunately, so at 
 variance with former professions regarding the " Taxes on Knowledge," 
 that the offender feels no moral crime in breaking the law, which its 
 present prosecutor taught him 'twas a virtue to do. 
 
10 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And, spite of fines and seizures, jails, and chain, 3 * 
 
 They will not bow, and lick our feet again ; 
 
 But broken pledges and snug pensions still, 
 
 In biting phrases, all their columns fill. 
 
 And, if we turn to public meetings, where 
 
 The mob, huzzaing, rent with shouts the air, — 
 
 All there is chang'd, — for now the sky they fill 
 
 With deepen'd curses on the Poor- Law Bill ! 
 
 Nought then remains but this :" — with desp'rate hand, 
 
 He seiz'd a vessel from a tripod stand ; 
 
 Into a glitt'ring goblet, huge and vast, 
 
 Three sev'ral times a dark-brown liquor cast,f 
 
 Then of the fluid from the limpid well 
 
 Three gentle sprinklings on the liquor fell ; 
 
 And, stead of salt J upon the votive bowl, 
 
 Three knobs of sugar sanctified the whole. 
 
 * See Mr. Cleave's case. 
 
 f Ter liquido ardentem perfudit nectare Vestam. — Georg. iv. 384. 
 
 % mihi sacra parari 
 
 Et salsae fruges. — iEN. ii. 133. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 11 
 
 Then, as he pours libations, lo ! he seems 
 Like prophets rapt, or poets in their dreams ; 
 His eyeballs glisten, and his forehead burns ; 
 On ev 'ry side, where'er his head he turns, 
 Arise fair visions ; — lo ! a court he sees, 
 Where ev 'ry cause is heard and judg'd with ease : 
 Bless'd court ! so quick, so easy to decide, 
 For there 'tis law to hear but one sole side ; 
 No Knights reply, and cite, and cite again, 
 Nor Sugdens answer, just to pose one's brain. 
 Another scene salutes his closing eyes, 
 A dreamy House of Lords he sees arise,* 
 Where railing's logic, and abuse is wit, 
 And chousing friends is thought a lucky hit: 
 Then, as again he moves the cup to fill, 
 Behold in dreams a greater wonder still : — 
 
 * Whatever may be said of the Lords by the ravers, there is no crow- 
 ing like cocks, or braying like asses, — no foul words, (with a single excep- 
 tion,) — no coughing down a speaker ; — but the debates are temperately 
 carried on ; and, as to the superiority of talent among the Lords, there 
 is no comparison. 
 
12 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 He sits, — could fancy paint a stranger thing I 
 
 And sips his claret with a smiling k — g. # 
 
 Oh ! 'tis too much- — the bless'd afflatus towers 
 
 O'er all his soul, and ev'ry thought o'erpowers ; 
 
 His falt'ring tongue for once has had its fill, 
 
 His tawny nose just twitches, and is still : 
 
 Fill'd with the air divine, his head turns round, 
 
 He sinks, in sacred trance, upon the ground : — 
 
 When, lo ! a miracle, — a mist afar, 
 
 Like the blue vapour from a fresh cigar, 
 
 Fills all the room, now here, now there, behold, 
 
 In thick'ning, denser volumes, lo ! 'tis roll'd, 
 
 Till, through the mist, th' astonish'd glance can trace 
 
 An arm, a flowing vestment, or a face. 
 
 As, in the House, some dandy statesman stands, 
 
 Sawing the air with his alternate hands, 
 
 Amid the vap'ring words he lisps and drawls, 
 
 Lo ! from his lips, perchance, there dimly falls 
 
 * " Ego et rex meus." We remember what affectation of royal 
 intimacy there was during the year of itinerant speechifying. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 13 
 
 Some fragment of a meaning ; but again 
 
 The dusky trash once more o'erclouds the brain ; 
 
 And none can guess, when the last dregs are out, 
 
 What all that pretty speaking was about. 
 
 So thus was form'd a filmy shape, — but ere 
 
 It stood embodied, — all again was air. 
 
 At length the mist in wid'ning circles flew, 
 
 And, in the centre, stood expos'd to view 
 
 A goddess form,* a wind-gall'sf halo spread 
 
 Its fleeting lustre round her sacred head ; 
 
 And, if small things with great we may compare, 
 
 Seem'd, though a goddess, by her acid air, 
 
 Mix'd with conceited smirkings not a few, 
 
 The semblance of an old Malthusian blue ; 
 
 * Cum circumfusa repente 
 
 Scindit se nubes, et in aethera purgatapertum. 
 Restitit iEneas, claraque luce refulsit, 
 Os humerosque Deo similis. — JEn. i. 586. 
 f A wind-gall, or weather-gall, is a luminous appearance on the edge 
 of a cloud, usually seen in the wind's eye ; a sure precursor of thick 
 storm v weather. 
 
14 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Upon her head false flowing curls were plac'd, 
 
 Her sallow brow sham pearls in chaplets grac'd ; 
 
 The dress, the mien, the features, and the air, 
 
 The presence of the Humbug Queen declare ! 
 
 All earth confess'd her, sacred tremors spread 
 
 Around, and bent to earth each empty head : 
 
 St. Stephen's loudly cheer'd, for 'twas declar'd 
 
 What candle-ends some saving ways had spar'd : 
 
 Reporters wak'd, committees scarcely slept, 
 
 While Bowring # told how French accounts were kept ; 
 
 Stern Fulham's lord, though slumber seal'd his sight, 
 
 Yet starv'd the poor in visions of the night : 
 
 At far Whitechapel, with a glance of fear, 
 
 The sempstress dropp'd o'er Rook wood's page a tear ; 
 
 All Russell-square, and Bloomsbury parish stole 
 
 A sigh o'er Mrs. Norton's ' powers of soul :' 
 
 * Why should the Honourable Gentleman be sent to France to learn 
 to keep books ? Did not the Greek loan suffice to make him an 
 accountant ? 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 15 
 
 Loud roar'd the thunder ; through the trembling sky 
 
 Huge shooting stars and gleaming meteors fly ;f 
 
 And South, exalted in his highest room, 
 
 In fifty places thought a comet come. 
 
 The iEolian daughter saw the Hero lay, 
 
 And o'er him bent, and touch'd the sleeping clay ; 
 
 Sudden, as Satan from Ithuriel's wand ; 
 
 Quick, as a dandy from a bailiff's hand ; 
 
 Swift, as balloons from earth to sether part ; 
 
 Sharp, as the corks from soda-water start ; 
 
 So, on his nether end, the Hero rose, 
 
 Thrice rubb'd his eyes, and thrice he blew his nose, 
 
 Then, as, bewilder'd much, around he gaz'd, 
 
 His bulk from earth the Goddess gently rais'd, 
 
 Plac'd in his chair the much-enduring man, 
 
 His forehead kiss'd, and gently thus began : — 
 
 " Oh ! thou, whom Fate has long ordain'd to be 
 
 The truest, dearest, votary to me, 
 
 * Contremuit nemus, et sylvae intonuere profundae ; 
 Audiit et Triviae longe lacus, audiit amnis 
 Sulfurea Naralbus aqua, fontesque Velini. — /En. vii. 515, 
 
16 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Ne'er have thy lips my darling cause betray'd, 
 
 Ne'er have to common sense thy footsteps stray'd ; 
 
 Thy foreign policy, — the jest of all ; 
 
 Thy pledges, — thou hast gulp'd them, great or small ; 
 
 Whether in law or commerce, I have seen, 
 
 How wild, yet paltry, all thy schemes have been ; 
 
 Or whether normal schools* your mind delight, 
 
 Where babes that scarce can speak are taught to write ; 
 
 Or ev'n whene'er with all your powers you try 
 
 To ' fright the isle from its propriety/ 
 
 And many a hero shouts with might and main 
 
 i A crisisf comes,' and lo ! 'tis all in vain ; 
 
 Still have you own'd my sway ; — I still have seen 
 
 How empty, dull, and vapid all has been. 
 
 No ! tho' St. John, the prince of modern quacks, 
 
 Blister'd and cabbage-leav'd the ladies' backs ; 
 
 * One great man, in a famous speech on Infant Schools, would have 
 it, that children learn more before seven years of age than they do after. 
 See also his dictum, that babies should learn drawing. 
 
 f The more a crisis is prophesied, " the more it woVt come." I 
 think a prophecy of a Stock-Exchange panic more likely to be realized. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 17 
 
 Tho' Bowring learns to keep accounts from France, — 
 Alas ! what change from doggrel to finance ; 
 Tho' Roebuck's pamphlets lie 'neath ev'ry wall, 
 
 writes verse, and writes at all ; 
 
 paints history ; chisels stone, 
 
 And golden medals prove the taste of ; 
 
 Blomfield the church, and rules the law, 
 
 Durham and Dicas keep the press in awe ; # 
 Adey gets thousands for a sov'reign fee, 
 And Spanish Bonds are done at forty-three ; 
 Still art thou dearest, and I still rejoice 
 To hear thee entitled by the public voice ; 
 And 'tis no empty puff, — but age and youth 
 Conspire to spread abroad the grateful truth, — 
 Proclaiming thee, with shouts and loud huzzas, 
 The greatest humbug of these happy days." 
 
 * " The Liberty of the Press," shouts a Whig out of place ; — " The 
 Law of Libel," bellows a Whig in office. Do we not remember the 
 tricolor story ? 
 
18 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 The Hero sadly smil'd, and bent his head, 
 Then rais'd his doubtful face, and thus he said : — 
 " Oh ! mother, — for I owe my fame to thee, — 
 And what is life without that fame to me I 
 My better mother to my first I owe 
 A sterile head, where few ideas will grow ; — 
 But thou, my second parent ! oh, 'twas thou 
 Suppled my tongue, and bronz'd my artless brow, 
 PufF'd off my books, and, as the peasants stare 
 To see a windmill, thro' a foggy air, 
 Swell'd to a mountain in its misty size, 
 And threat'ning, with its outstretch'd arms, the skies, 
 So thou hast magnified my works, — my law, — 
 My taste, — philanthropy, — and now, with awe 
 And mingled gratitude, I bow the knee, 
 Confessing that I'm ever full of thee. 
 Daughter of Wind ! ruler of cloudy forms ! 
 Who ridest, tho' thou guidest not, the storms ; 
 As I, who once aloft by chance was cast, 
 And seem'd to rule the storm and guide the blast, 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 19 
 
 And was but blunder'd thro' the troubled air, — 
 No helm, — no compass, — here or anywhere, — 
 Accept my homage ; — give me but again, 
 As once I rul'd, — oh ! give me but to reign, — # 
 
 And true as Whigs to place" No more he said ; 
 
 At that fond word he sigh'd and dropp'd his head. 
 The Goddess saw the tear upon his face, 
 (Such tender power had that soft accent " place,") 
 And sooth'd his sorrows, calm'd his mighty mind, 
 Then — as if, here on earth, physicians find 
 They know not how to give the patient ease, 
 But, dosed enough, and almost drain'd of fees, 
 Patient and purse no further draughts can bear, 
 Their only nostrum is a change of air — 
 So thus the Goddess bade the Hero rise, 
 Ascend her car, and with her mount the skies : 
 She wav'd her hand, attendant sprites afar 
 Appear'd, and bore through air a magic car, 
 
 * Tu Dea, tu praesens nostro succurre labori. 
 
 Hunc sine me turbare globum, et rege tela per auras. — /En. ix. 404. 
 
 c 2 
 
20 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Wond'rous in form, — since seen on earth below 
 At fair Vauxhall, and made a nightly show, — 
 Call'd an Aerial Ship beneath the moon, 
 But in Olympus nam'd the Fish Balloon ! 
 The Goddess swiftly mounts* the gay machine, 
 The Hero follows close the beck'ning Queen, 
 Turns upward from dull earth his scornful eyes, 
 And, rapt in theory, ascends the skies ; 
 The eager Goddess plies the winged sides, 
 The Hero, at the helm, the vessel guides. 
 Sadly he smil'd, — his changing fancies raise 
 The happy rule of other long-lost days, 
 When empty theories, in noisy course, 
 Propell'd the ship of state with hurried force, 
 To north or south, to this or t'other side, 
 Just as blind boastful ignorance might guide ; 
 
 * *H y tq ¥i$%ov e@ctivev, unYi^i^evn QiXov yTog' 
 
 Hag oi ol 'I^K tfiouve ■■ ■ 
 
 ru y ova uixovTe ntrecrbw* 
 AT\J/« y ewn0' 'Uovro Stwv llSoq a.\'jrvv >l O'Kv^irov. — ILIAD, E. 364. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 21 
 
 Stock-jobbers flourish'd, honest trade declin'd, 
 The poor were starv'd, and snug commissions din'd ; — 
 And all was right, — and no one dar'd to doubt it, 
 If some mad quack had scrawl'd a book about it. # 
 
 High, like an eagle in majestic state, 
 The vessel soaring bore her precious freight ; 
 Thro' the inferior aether soon it cross'd, 
 And, far from mortal ken, in clouds was lost ; 
 Here, wondrous sight ! the buoyant vessel near'd 
 Full many a castle by the Hero rear'd ; 
 Many an uncouth building here was found, 
 Bas'd on a cloud, with clouds encompass'd round. 
 
 * People now-a-days will believe any thing if printed in a pamphlet, 
 or their own newspaper, or if some kind soul is paid handsomely to lec- 
 ture about it. A man can scarcely sell sausages without declaring that a 
 
 Doctor has lectured about them at the Institution ; or vend small beer 
 
 without a voucher that a Professor " has analyzed, and found it wholly 
 free from, &c. &c. and the very best, &c. &c." All this will be greedily 
 swallowed by men, who will then turn round and cant about the blind- 
 ness of prejudice. 
 
22 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Ah ! how unlike the work of mortal hands, 
 
 Without foundation here the castle stands ! 
 
 The Hero, sighing, saw the goodly show, 
 
 And wish'd they stood as well on earth below. 
 
 They pass'd these spheres ; — the buoyant swift balloon 
 
 Bent her strait course towards the shining moon ; # 
 
 " And here," the Goddess cried, " behold, we come 
 
 To my lov'd haunts, my own, my much-lov'd home ! 
 
 Here 'tis, my son, I hold unchalleng'd reign, 
 
 O'er cloud, and tide, and self-call'd lib'raFs brain ; 
 
 'Tis here I sit, and send the thoughts divine 
 
 That fill thy head, and make thee wholly mine ; 
 
 See, as we near the circle, every where 
 
 Bright floating bubbles hurry thro' the air, 
 
 And rush to earth ; — these are the schemes that still 
 
 The sly projectors' empty pockets fill • — 
 
 Mines, Temp 'ranee Clubs, Steam-Railways, Loans, and Gas, 
 
 Piers and Humanity, in hundreds pass; 
 
 *H TL%\iivn Zwrvxpvff ', %. r. *.— Aristoph, Nubes, 603. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 23 
 
 And these small sprites, who raise the sounding gale, 
 Are gentle puffs, to urge the flagging sale. 
 See with what dext'rous breath, or furious haste, 
 This puffs < The Wife,' and this puffs ' Mechi's Paste/ 
 Here snug Commissions, and here Rowland's Dye, 
 And Cortes Bonds, to earth rush swiftly by ; 
 With those two cures for all our mortal ills, — 
 Cheap education and the Hygeist's pills." 
 
 " But see, we near my lov'd untroubled reign ; — 
 Behold yon palace, yonder lofty fane, 
 And yon vast towers ;• — 'tis there, as bards have told, 
 All matters lost on earth their precincts hold ; # 
 With many a scheme of thine their vaults are stor'd, 
 With many a speech that either House has bor'd j 
 
 * Ove rairabilmente era ridutto 
 
 Ci6, che si perde, o per nostro difetto, 
 O per colpa di tempo, o di fortuna 
 Cib, che si perde qui, la si raguna. 
 
 Le lagrime, ed i sospiri degli amanti. — Orlando Fur. c. 34. 
 
24 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Here lies enshrin'd full many a lover's sigh ; 
 
 And patriot pledges, born, alas ! to die ; 
 
 Here many a genteel bankrupt's ledger's toss'd, 
 
 And many a dandy's courage bravely lost ; 
 
 There, too, in quiet, — dull as when on earth 
 
 In Colburn's shop they found untimely birth, 
 
 Lie those dear tomes, once pufFd, but, hapless lot ! 
 
 Now on ungrateful earth untouch'd, forgot ; 
 
 There Devereux's, Tremaine's, and Granby's sleep ; 
 
 Landon's, and Norton's, Lister's in a heap ; 
 
 Bury's and Blessington's in cases lie, 
 
 And sickly Annuals in convulsions cry." 
 
 As when the bird of Jove has soar'd on high, 
 To watch the sunbeams fading from the sky, 
 Pois'd on his shadowy wing, he feasts his sight, 
 And bathes his plumage in the crimson light : 
 Then stoops, and slowly seeks his rocky nest, 
 Folds his huge wing, and calmly sinks to rest, — 
 So the light ship sunk slowly to her port, 
 And touch 'd the ground within a spacious court ; 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 25 
 
 'Twas where the palace stood, — a wond'rous pile, 
 
 Vast in extent, tho' little in its style ; 
 
 Who that had seen it but might safely swear 
 
 A lunar Board of Works had plac'd it there ! 
 
 Aloft were tea-chests, pots, and boxes thrown, 
 
 And frets, j ust like the rich designs of Soane ; 
 
 And round-topp'd pepper-pots, like those which grac'd 
 
 Our new-built churches, — Smirke's unrivall'd taste ; 
 
 And columns thin, — and jutting consoles thick, — 
 
 And Portland fronts, — and flanks of dingy brick, — 
 
 And porticos alternately display'd, 
 
 Like sentry-boxes on an esplanade, — 
 
 And, o'er the whole, a dome to middle air 
 
 Rose, like a friar's pate, round, bald, and bare ; 
 
 By some strange sleight, it crowns the gorgeous scene, 
 
 Seen all around, tho* meant not to be seen. # 
 
 * For how many years did the most tasteless beings erect all our public 
 buildings, — and what things they were ! It is not exactly known to whom 
 the idea of " the plum-pudding" is due ; but the blunder was excused 
 naively by saying " that 'twas nol meant to be seen." 
 
26 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Here they alight, and where the gates unfold 
 Their mighty valves,* real bronze and mimic gold, 
 A porter's lodge, with polish 'd marble gay, 
 Points, to a compo-plaster'd fane, the way ; 
 They enter,— and the Queen assum'd her state, 
 And on her throne in all her grandeur sate ; 
 The Hero knelt, and kiss'd her sacred hand, 
 Then on her right he took his well-earn'd stand, 
 And bow'd around ; — then from th' attendant crowd 
 Arose a joyous welcome ; — long and loud 
 The vulgar shouted, and the more refin'd 
 Wav'd their gay kerchiefs to the flouting wind ; 
 The vaults re-echo, and the domes resound, 
 And aether trembled at the joyous sound ! 
 So, in some street, — when, all his foes o'erthrown, 
 Wife, hangman, doctor, all around him strown,— 
 The far-fam'd hero Punch, in joyous lays, 
 Advancing, claims his well-earn'd meed of praise ; 
 
 * Bifores radiabant lumine valvse.- — Ov. Met. ii. 4. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 27 
 
 The crowd, delighted with the wonders done, — 
 The wooden heroes slain, — the vict'ries won, — ■ 
 Call loudly to begin the scene again, 
 Thrash all his foes, and slay once more the slain : 
 Oh ! then what hearty cheers the hero greet, 
 And " Go it, Nosey,"* echoes thro' the street. 
 
 * How many great heroes have had remarkable noses : — Caesar and 
 Wellington, Brougham, and our present hero, Punch, are striking 
 illustrations. The " hook-nosed Roman" we have all heard of. The 
 proboscis of Lord Brougham shows magnificently over the door of a beer- 
 shop. 
 
 END OF CANTO I 
 
CANTO THE SECOND. 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 The Canto opens with classic solemnity, but soon softens into an 
 affectionate and maternal address of the Goddess ; the Hero replies; and 
 the Author displayeth profound knowledge of the pathetic : — he requests 
 the Goddess to tell his fortune, either by cards, coffee-grounds, phreno- 
 logy, or some other humbug. She promises to do as others, whether 
 gipsies or phrenologists, have done, to see all she can of the present, and 
 to guess at the future. She then summons the Wits, or Idola, of her 
 votaries, and an unspeakable elucidation is given to many public matters, 
 viz. that they are performed when the wits of the agents are in the moon. 
 The Author then astounds and enchants the reader by a most splendid 
 account of the Procession of Humbugs, which must be greedily perused 
 and enormously lauded. Parading her forces, by a sudden inspiration, 
 the Goddess places the Hero at their head, and sends them on earth to 
 fight her battles. He makes a glowing speech, prophetic of glories to 
 come, and they rush to earth together. The prodigies that attend their 
 descent are described ; dense clouds gather round the Goddess ; they 
 approach the House ; the clouds become more dense ; and this sublime 
 Poem most wondrously concludes, just as they hail the Hero's return, by 
 enveloping them in the dark, and leaving them all in confusion. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 CANTO II. 
 
 All stood attentive,* when, in lofty tone, 
 The Queen address'd the Hero from her throne ; 
 And thus, — u Oh thou ! who hast the foremost place 
 In this fond heart, — the dearest of my race, — 
 And here, transported to the genial plains 
 Of frozen hearts and over-heated brains, — 
 Here on this soil, as on yon earthy ball, 
 Thou stand'st confess'd the greatest of them all, 
 Behold my kingdom ; — ne'er before had I 
 Such empire vast, — such boundless sov'reignty : — 
 
 * Conticuere omnes, intentique ora tenebant, 
 
 Inde toi'o pater iEneas sic orsus ab alto. — Mw. ii, 1. 
 
32 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Not, as of old, o'er dull, blind fools alone, 
 
 But o'er the perter class my smiles are thrown ! 
 
 The brains of froth, as well as brains of lead, 
 
 The solid block, as well as empty head : 
 
 Oh ! doubly bless'd and doubly lov'd are they 
 
 Whose tongues, and thoughts, and lives are all display ; 
 
 Who learn by rote a few cant terms, and then 
 
 Retail the phrases o'er and o'er again ; 
 
 Cry the same cry, repeat the self-same note, 
 
 Mouthe the same fact, the self-same author quote ; 
 
 Worship some perter or some noisier fool, 
 
 Bray thunders in his praise, and boast his school ; 
 
 Thro' law, or taste, or science boldly range, 
 
 Despise aught solid, cry aloud for change ; 
 
 And this the burden of their cuckoo-song, — 
 
 ' Whatever is or has been must be wrong.' " 
 
 The Hero bow'd his head, and turn'd aside, 
 To veil at once his tears and blush of pride ; 
 And thus—" Since, then, thy fost'ring hand has e'er 
 Made me and mine thy chief, thy parent care, 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 33 
 
 Taught me t'abuse and hate the things that are, 
 And boast I could re-make them better far, — 
 From high philosophy to musty laws ; 
 And so to claim my meed — a mob's applause, — 
 And see'st me now depriv'd of all their shouts, 
 Friend to the ins, and yet among the outs ; 
 While others, and their tails, the loaves devour, 
 Vot'ries of truth — and place, reform — and power ! 
 Oh ! thou who rulest all who read one's fate, 
 By stars, or cards, or bumps upon the pate ; 
 Oh ! turn some tea-cup, — or inspect my brow, — 
 Or range the points in geomantic row ; 
 Or calliper my skull, on either side 
 Time, order, tune, form, colour, oh ! divide ; 
 And then pronounce whate'er my fate shall be, # 
 For none can read the future right but thee ; — 
 Say, shall I e'er again by many a crowd 
 Be greeted by huzzas, full long and loud ? 
 
 * Hoc quoque, Tiresia, praeter narrata petenti 
 
 Responde, quibus amissas reparare queam res. — Hon. Sat. lib. ii. 5. 
 
 D 
 
34 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Shall I again look wond'rous deep and big, 
 And deal out wisdom from beneath a wig ? 
 Will folks once more dub all my theories fine, 
 And shall I swing again the beer-shop sign ? 
 Till all thy vot'ries shout, both nymphs and swains, 
 ' Another Humbug, thy own Humbug # reigns!'" 
 
 The Goddess turn'd and rais'd her white-glov'd hand. 
 And wav'd aloft a polish'd brazen wand, 
 And, smiling, thus address 'd her tearful son :— 
 " Then be it mine, as others oft have done, 
 To show the present, and from thence t' express — 
 From thence the future by a lucky guess." 
 
 Then as she wav'd the wand, behold, a sound 
 Of trampling, hurrying footsteps rose around ! 
 And instant pressing thro' the op'ning door 
 Long trains of shadowy visions filPd the floor ; 
 
 * Tuus jam regnat Apollo. — Virg. Ecl. iv. 10. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 35 
 
 The sprites of those whose bodies toiPd below 
 For fame or pence, made up the lengthen 'd show, 
 And show'd (such pow'r the Dame alone could give) 
 As well without their wits as with to live ; 
 For oft-times, when the Dame desires to know 
 How matters thrive in this dull ball below, 
 Straight will she summon, by her magic wand, 
 The wits of those who rule this happy land ; 
 And while they revel in th' enchanted isle, 
 Quaff bowls of moonshine and enjoy her smile ; 
 The bodies here, like an unvarying mill, 
 Make laws, write protocols,* grant pensions still ; 
 And Talleyrand and Jonathan can tell 
 With or without their wits 'tis just as well. 
 
 * The endless protocols in the Belgian business, and the endless 
 pensions (only £12,000 per annum) added by the Whigs, could surely 
 have been as well concocted by machinery as by brains. We would 
 advise Mr. Babbage to try his skill on a pension or a job machine ; we 
 think it would pay better than making tables of logarithms. 
 
 d2 
 
36 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Thus a long train advanced, and first were seen 
 In sable suits, with solemn pompous mien ; 
 A golden eye-glass round each neck was slung, 
 Three glitt'ring seals from every waistcoat hung, 
 On every hand a diamond ring there shone ; 
 And as they strode they said, in hollow tone, 
 With solemn force that made the hearer start, 
 " All bile "— « all blood '?— " all liver "—or " all heart." * 
 Some upon paper traced a magic spell, 
 A single awful word — 'twas " calomel." 
 
 * One of our most talented physicians told me, on my reading the 
 above passage to him, he thought his brethren might be better designated 
 as runners. Some, he said, run blindfold all their lives after one disease; 
 and only by accident stumble on the right one. Others chace all disor- 
 ders with one vaunted nostrum ; and crush many a patient under the 
 wheels of their ' currus triumphalis/ Others run after fame or notoriety 
 by the side of Day and Martin, and puff themselves into notice by their 
 incessant scribbling. He told me also that he once came across a physi- 
 cian who had given a strange medley of strange medicines to a patient, 
 and on asking him why he had exhibited such a farrago of drugs, the 
 modern Galen answered naively, — " Why I did not know what was the 
 matter with the man, and so I gave a great variety of medicine, that 
 the disorder might choose what it liked best. 77 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 37 
 
 Others strange, uncouth, hard-spelt accents wrote, 
 
 Strychnine, veratria, or kreosote. 
 
 Then on their heads their hats they slowly threw, 
 
 Stretch 'd forth their hands, and, closing them, withdrew. 
 
 " These are, my son," the Goddess, smiling, said, 
 
 " The peers, the nobles, of the healing trade. 
 
 Small brains they want; by long-tail'd words is shewn 
 
 Their skill, for science now is words alone.* 
 
 As fashion dictates, one disorder serves 
 
 For all who come — 'tis heart, or bile, or nerves. 
 
 No other sickness can a patient feel, 
 
 And one new poison all the pain must heal." 
 
 Then came, with bloody hands and arms all bare, 
 And wav'd strange engines in th' affrighted air, 
 A savage train. Deep horror filled the place — 
 Chill'd ev'ry fibre — whiten'd every face. 
 Each as he came in hollow murmurs spoke ; 
 " Trepan, extirpate," from their pale lips broke ; 
 
 * Any man who can use long words is (in the present day) entitled 
 to the distinction of " a man of science." " Sic meo periculo" 
 
38 THE REIGN OF HUMRUG. 
 
 " Lithotomize, dissect, eradicate, 
 
 Flay, cut, saw, cauterize, burn, amputate." * 
 
 All trembled at the sound ; the sick began 
 
 To hobble off, the gouty almost ran. 
 
 All fancied sickness, fled from that dread throng ; 
 
 E'en pain felt deaden'd as they swept along. 
 
 1 T hese," said the Goddess, " like the lords of old, 
 
 Pow 'r o'er our lives and limbs despotic hold ; 
 
 And, like the heroes of immortal name, 
 
 They wade through blood, and cut their way to fame." 
 
 When lo ! another train tripp'd gently by, 
 
 Smiles on each lip, and simpers in each eye, 
 
 Spruce in their dress — the better hand display'd 
 
 Six healing draughts of colour'd water matle ; 
 
 With these, six powders — flour in paper clos'd — 
 
 And six huge pills, of potent bread compos'd : 
 
 * The taking up the iliac was thought tremendous ; but the man who 
 tied the aorta far transcended the first human butcher. Those who call 
 themselves " pure surgeons " are still valued, not as relievers of human 
 suffering, but as loppers of limbs and hewers of members. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 39 
 
 The other hand convey'd, with practis'd strength,* 
 
 The dreadful bill, " full fathom five in length." 
 
 " These," said the Goddess, " are the tribe who come 
 
 And steal, like cats, around the patient's room — 
 
 Lisp as they talk — affect to raise a sigh — 
 
 And cheer the sick when no disorder's nigh ; 
 
 These are the fav'rites — such nice men are these — 
 
 These pining girls and nervous spinsters please, 
 
 For well they know the secret to apply ; 
 
 No branch of med'cine thrives like flattery. 
 
 Still 'mongst the healing band some few there are 
 
 Who 'gainst my reign an open warfare dare, 
 
 Who scorn these arts, and in the world's despite 
 
 Seek fame's reward on science' rugged height ; 
 
 And future ages shall with reverence tell 
 
 Of Wilson Philip, Roget, Carswell, Bell ; 
 
 Lawrence, and Cooper, Marshall Hall shall shinef 
 
 In spite of these, in spite of me and mine." 
 
 * The apothecaries are, with very few exceptions, the greatest, of hum- 
 bugs ; their bill, however, can by no means come under such a category. 
 
 f I might add also Abercrombie, Barlow, Paris, Duesbury, Elliotson, 
 Blane, M'Grigor, Alison, and a host more whose names are an honour 
 to true science. 
 
40 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 But who are these, with proud important face ? 
 The crowd divide, and yield the foremost place. 
 A red-rul'd oblong book the left hand fills, 
 The right hand grasps a monstrous pile of bills ; 
 Behind them all a liv'ry- servant stands, 
 And holds his hat in his submissive hands. 
 The masters strutted with important mien, 
 And bow'd, in passing, to the Goddess Queen. 
 " These," said the Goddess, " are the worthy train 
 Who fall, and, like Antaeus, rise again # 
 More vig'rous from the shock ; so these will make 
 A handsome fortune ev'ry time they break. 
 They live on ruin, as the spider feeds 
 On the foul juices drawn from pois'nous weeds ; 
 They enter business, and, with better wit 
 Than their forerunner — some old plodding cit — 
 
 * Hoc quoque tarn vastas cumularit munere vires 
 Terra sui foetus — quod, cum tetigere parenteral 
 Jam defecta vigent, renovato robore, membra. 
 
 Lucan. Phar. iv. 598. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 41 
 
 Buy all that comes before them — tallow, tin, 
 Hops, hides, gum, sassafras, rum, nitre, gin — 
 Then dabble in the funds, and Spanish buy, 
 And raise the wind, and kites of paper fly. 
 Then, when the kite no more ascends the wind, 
 There comes some cousin, * cruel to be kind,' 
 And strikes a docquet, and they're made for life ; 
 Thousands are settled on a son, or wife ; 
 The rest they portion out to all around, 
 And pay a penny farthing in the pound, 
 Retire to Clapham, buy a house, and then 
 Enjoy the honours paid to monied men; 
 For 'tis by wealth, no matter how 'tis gain'd, # 
 In these glad times that men's respect's obtainM." 
 
 * In former times, if a man became bankrupt, even though his 
 creditors absolved him from all sort of blame, he still felt it a deep 
 degradation; but now it seems to make no difference. The worthy keeps 
 the same establishment, or, if a handsome sum has been settled on 
 his wife, a better menage than before ; and the world wonders how he 
 can do it, and — that is all — he gets as much outward respect, nay 
 perhaps more, than the honestest man in the kingdom. 
 
42 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 " Blest be the happy hour," the Goddess said, 
 " When first arose the vot'ries of free trade ; 
 When sparks from college, or from Crockford's, bent 
 Their little minds to spout in Parliament ; 
 From driving tandems turn'd to guide the state, 
 From nonsense- verses flew to legislate. 
 The east, the west, their with'ring pow'r confess'd; 
 The ship, the workshop were alike oppress'd. 
 While Yankee vessels proudly swept the main, 
 Our seamen starvM — but France grew rich again. 
 Then, as on rotten wood the fungus grows, 
 This new-made tribe of British merchants rose ; # 
 
 * In the days of old Daniel De Foe, that writer observes that more 
 men are ruined by overtrading than by want of business. This is the 
 ease in the present day ; and those enactments that have taken the trade 
 out of our hands, and given it to foreigners, have doubled the evil ; for 
 the overtrading is not real business, -but mere random speculation. Real 
 business, however badly it may be managed, generally produces good, 
 either to the seller or consumer. A real value is added to the commodity 
 at every turn, and if it is mismanaged, still one man's loss is another's 
 gain : but the modern chance-work must, from its nature, entail 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 43 
 
 Commercial gamesters all, for nought is made 
 
 In these dull times by stupid, honest trade. 
 
 No ! now they speculate ; however rash 
 
 It matters not, 'tis but a single dash : 
 
 If it succeeds 'tis well ; if not they break, 
 
 And then 'tis better ; what have they at stake ? 
 
 For well they know the truth my lips unfold, 
 
 Nought claims respect like humbug and like gold." 
 
 When lo ! another train came hurrying in, 
 And mingled voices made a mighty din ; 
 Haste in each face, and rapid was their tone ; 
 They thrust, and jostled onward to the throne. 
 Each gave a knowing nod as forth he drew 
 A printed sheet, and held it up to view : 
 Then one, the busiest of the bustling clan, 
 Gave a sly look, and, bowing, thus began : — 
 
 loss on some one ; and we really have become so accustomed to this 
 miserable method, that we regard a bankrupt with much complacency, 
 and if he pays something decent — say one-third of what he ought — we 
 even commend him. 
 
44 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 " Goddess, 'tis we, of all thy varied train 
 Boldest and best, support thy balmy reign. 
 Before our eyes thy precepts ever hold, 
 That nought's so dear as humbug, and as gold ; 
 And by obedience to thy precepts, Mother, 
 Thy sons contrive that one should make the other. 
 Behold these plans ! oh see the schemes display'd ! 
 Buy, only buy, and lo ! your fortune's made. 
 Bridges, where no one ever wants to cross ; 
 Mines, that will work at nothing but a loss ; 
 Railways, to towns that can't support a stage* — 
 And railway schemes*]- just now are all the rage ; 
 Docks, where for months is hardly seen a sail ; 
 And colonies, where Death rides every gale. 
 
 * There is at present before the public a scheme for a railway 
 to a town, at a proposed cost of about £200,000. The town has at 
 present one stage (which is supported principally by the other towns it 
 goes through en route) and a couple of waggons. This trade 
 is to pay interest for such an outlay ! But the public buy, and seem 
 pleased to be so gulled. 
 
 | The railway schemes are thus concocted : — A man buys a few 
 ordnance maps — draws on them a line from one place to another — gets 
 it lithographed, and a flaming prospectus printed — fixes his capital as 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 45 
 
 We start these schemes — 'tis but a pound a share, 
 
 We seize th' instalment — that is all our care. 
 
 To get th' instalment— oh ! what magic pow'r 
 
 Is ours. No wizard at the midnight hour, 
 
 No fairy's touch, nor dread enchanter's wand, 
 
 Nor genii's spell, nor dusky Afrite's hand 
 
 Could so deceive them. Silver fills the mine, 
 
 And gold in heaps, and countless diamonds shine. 
 
 On marshy swamps, where nought but frogs, and flies, 
 
 And snakes are found, we bid a town arise ; 
 
 high as he can, his shares as numerous as possible, and asks a pound 
 each — only a pound as instalment. With this money he surveys a line 
 —paying himself what he pleases. He goes to a lawyer to look over 
 the ground, and to try and arrange respecting the purchases. They 
 pick such a line as will give both engineer and lawyer most work ; 
 neither of them caring one straw whether the speculation will pay or not. 
 If the shares maintain a price, and they think a Bill could be obtained, 
 and more jobs cut out, they go and offer the proprietors of the land 
 more than the land is worth, that the Bill may 7iot be opposed. What 
 do they care whether the speculation pays or not? They wish to finger 
 the money, and as long as they can draw they go on : and yet Parliament 
 sanctions such humbug, and the public are content to be robbed, so that 
 it is not more than five pounds at a time. 
 
46 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Trees, at a word, tall steeples shall become, 
 And a huge ant-hill be a palace-dome.* 
 We swear, where endless forests wave the head, 
 That richest fields of yellow grain are spread ; f 
 And, where the ground denies the scantiest fare, 
 And starving settlers sink in dark despair, 
 There we declare that all they ask or wish 
 In that rich land is Harvey's sauce for fish. J 
 
 * I remember a scheme for colonizing a certain part of the globe. 
 The Company sold lands by the thousand of acres at a time ; and, to 
 tempt fools to buy, they circulated an engraving of a town, showing 
 more houses and churches than the Dragon of Wantley devoured, and 
 declared that this town was the capital of the settlement, and the finest 
 place in the world. When the poor dupes got over, they found a swamp 
 and a forest, without a vestige of any thing like a Christian habitation : 
 in short, the whole was a most scandalous fabrication. 
 
 f Molli paulatim flavescet campus arista, 
 Incultisque rubens pendebit sentibus uva, 
 Et durae quercus sudabunt roscida mella. — Virg. Eel. ir. 28. 
 
 % This was really done. A letter was circulated, and said to be from 
 a certain colony : its purport was, that the colonists abounded in every 
 luxury s&vejish-sauce. It went on to say, that so great was the demand, 
 that any one who would send out a lot would make an immense deal by it. 
 The poor wretches were at that time without the commonest, coarsest 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 17 
 
 And then a loan — a loan, or bonds, or scrip, 
 
 Glads ev'ry heart and hangs on ev'ry lip. 
 
 How on a royal loan we lay our claws, 
 
 And oh ! what pickings from a patriot cause. 
 
 Raise but a loan, the stern reformer turns 
 
 A soften'd eye — the mod'rate member burns — 
 
 And when the glowing orator has prais'd 
 
 The cause of liberty, and stock is raised* — 
 
 When Brutus' bonds till settling-day are lent, 
 
 And Cato asks another eighth per cent ; 
 
 Then comes a fall. The patriot sees the shock, 
 
 And flies to sell his puff-inflated stock, 
 
 Secures a profit, and the rest are caught ; 
 
 The stock next day is hardly worth a groat. 
 
 Blest times when fools so easily come down, 
 
 And staunch reformers bite the humbugg'd town." 
 
 necessaries ; but it put money into some of the Company's pockets, and 
 so was all right. 
 
 * In all my experience I never knew any thing more disgusting than 
 the patriot loans. The reader remembers Moore's admirable 
 " The ghost of Miltiades came by night, 
 
 And he stood by the bed of the Benthamite," &c. 
 
48 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 " Accept these gifts," the smiling Goddess cried, 
 
 " Ere to the earth my sprites thy footsteps guide : 
 
 This perfum'd soap, whence thou may'st blow on high 
 
 Huge, painted, fragile bubbles to the sky ; 
 
 And, should this fail to bring thee store of gold, 
 
 Accept another gift,* this vase behold. 
 
 Whoe'er shall use this argent liquor right, 
 
 Rich shall he ever be in fortune's spite ; 
 
 Though credit, talent, industry may fail, 
 
 Yet wealth is latent in this wond'rous pail. 
 
 Lend me thine ear, incline thy subtle head, 
 
 And hear its name — 'tis White-wash — I have said." 
 
 Pleased they arose, and seized the gifts that lay 
 
 Low at her feet, and, hurrying, sped away. 
 
 Then came another train, a motley shew ; 
 The grave, the gay, the rich, the high, the low, 
 
 * ... a.7rvpov nocrs^nB Xe(3v)Ta. 
 
 KccXor, tiaaa-yu. [jt,eT(>a. y.e^ocv^ora, AEYKON er airon;. 
 
 Iliad, f. 267, 
 
THE KE1GN OF HUMBUG. 49 
 
 The pert attorney's clerk, the Bloomsbury blue, 
 Lord Johns and Lady Maries not a few, 
 And stout divines and dandy cornets slim, 
 And modern skippers, white glov'd soft and prim. 
 Each in his hand upbore a huge MS. 
 And on they came in order through the press. 
 In front six editors " to clear the way," 
 Whose trumpets pufF'd to heav'n a furious bray ; 
 Then came six sable imps, who gave the sky 
 Six ample proofs, like banners, borne on high; 
 Then came six bibliopoles, whose eyes were bent 
 On six full purses, chinking as they went : 
 Then came the authors ; and the titled crew 
 Held the first place, as to their titles due : 
 For since one Peer, among the noble throng, 
 Pour'd forth inspir'd a never-dying song, 
 Each witless dandy lordling* would be seen 
 The pet of annual or of magazine ; 
 
 * 
 
 si qua elegidia crudi 
 
 Dictarunt proceres ? Persius, Sat. i. 50. 
 
 E 
 
50 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And should kind fate his dreary labours crown, 
 With three dull volumes bores the sleepy town. 
 And since by titles talent now is weigh'd, 
 Since by the name the volume's worth is paid, 
 The lesser fry, who bear a humbler name, 
 At proper intervals advancing came. 
 First, all the Hono arables '; after these 
 Came Colonels, Captains, Reverends, and M.P.'s ; 
 Then did the lady blues and squires appear ; 
 And then the blushing Misters clos'd the rear. 
 Then one, the foremost of the train that bore 
 The chinking purses, stood the throne before ; 
 And thus — " Oh, Goddess, be it ours to claim 
 High in the list of thy belov'd a name. 
 Though others to thy reign may be as true, 
 Small is their pow'r compared to what we do. 
 For since one-half the world has judgment small, 
 And the remainder never think at all, 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 51 
 
 But take on trust whatever others say, 
 
 And 'stead of thinking for opinions pay; # 
 
 So those whose bloom is gone the carmine try ; 
 
 And they who have no whiskers false ones buy ; 
 
 Oh then what pow'r is ours, though small the skill 
 
 That gives the pow'r to work or good or ill ; 
 
 Though good or ill we work not, no intent 
 
 On thee and thine are all our actions bent. 
 
 No ! harmless Humbug all our works unfold, 
 
 And thence we draw the soul-entrancing gold. 
 
 Hear then our mode — the jewels of our trade 
 
 Are novels, and a novel's easy made.f 
 
 Take any random, uncouth, silly plot, 
 
 And filch your style from Bulwer and from Scott : 
 
 A hero stiff and spooney, and a dame, 
 
 Who talks in icy terms of Cupid's flame ; 
 
 * A modern journal declared that it commanded the opinions of three- 
 fourths of the nation, and not without truth. 
 
 j Poetry wo'nt sell in these utilitarian days, and yet the most wretched 
 trash finds a ready market if in the shape of a novel. 
 
 e2 
 
52 THE RE KIN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 A sorceress dire, who fills the soul with awe, 
 
 And tells as true as she of Beulah's spa; 
 
 A savage anti-hero, monstrous grim ; 
 
 A friendly justice, pompous, stupid, prim; 
 
 Some lords and dames with dress and pride inflate ; 
 
 The hero's friend, with metaphysic pate, 
 
 Who doubts the truth of all recorded things, 
 
 And utters thread-bare sneers 'gainst ' priests and kings ;' 
 
 Some incidents of * pow'r ' — a tempest dire, 
 
 An inundation, or a town on fire ; 
 
 Or better still, describe some savage deed, 
 
 The worse it is the better 'twill succeed ; 
 
 The strangling halter, or the tort' ring steel ; 
 
 Roast them alive, or break them on the wheel. 
 
 Describe the whole minutely ; be there shewn 
 
 The torn flesh quiv'ring and th' expiring groan ; 
 
 The sufT'rer's agony — the torturer's rage ; 
 
 And blood and garbage flow in ev'ry page. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 53 
 
 And should you fail to touch the reader's breast, 
 Why make him sick, — our puffs shall do the rest : # 
 Reviews shall praise the work, and while they quote 
 Declare it far the best that e'er was wrote ;f 
 And ev'ry paper blaze with — wondrous pen — 
 Most pow'rful work — deep insight into men; — 
 Appalling incidents, and fierce suspense, — 
 Awakes our horrors — thrills in ev'ry sense ; 
 And then a hint, as climax to the whole, 
 Titled, — or man of fashion, steals the soul. J 
 And ladies weep, and essenc'd dandies sigh, 
 And country book-clubs our first copies buy. 
 But, Goddess, wilt thou not thy arm extend, 
 'Gainst sev'ral foes thy fearful sons befriend ; 
 
 * " The powerful " consists in describing some horrid execution or 
 disgusting disease very minutely, and driving it down the reader's throat 
 a dram at a time, till he has had a sickening. 
 
 f In one newspaper I have seen five works advertized with opinions 
 that each one is respectively the very best that ever was written. 
 
 I A miserable novel was once puffed off as the work of one of the 
 Royal Family, and bought up greedily, till the cheat was discovered. 
 
54 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 For oft, when, wafted by a puffing gale, 
 
 A happy author finds a rapid sale, 
 
 The quarter comes, and clad in drab appears 
 
 (Accursed accent to an author's ears) 
 
 A giant dire ; as he in darksome shade 
 
 Of caves his meals of new-born infants made, 
 
 So new-born books this monster, fierce and grim, 
 
 Seizes, and fiercely rends them limb from limb, 
 
 And thee, oh Queen ! and every fav'rite son, 
 
 Pursues with hate, and spares and pities none. 
 
 Far in the north another wizard stands ; 
 
 A crutch and ample goblet fill his hands ; 
 
 His comely head with silv'ry hair is grac'd ; 
 
 A fishing creel is on his shoulders brac'd ; 
 
 And though bright laughter dimples on his cheeks, 
 
 And honied accents fall whene'er he speaks ; 
 
 Yet, oh ! what rage 'gainst thine does he display ! 
 
 Witling and troutling are alike his prey ; 
 
 Th 2 novel-writer and the gudgeon feel 
 
 His trenchant grey-goose quill or barbed steel : 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 55 
 
 An eel and theorist he hooks alike, 
 
 And slays at once a whig and rav'nous pike. 
 
 Oh ! let thy care towards thy sons be shewn, 
 
 And hurl these tyrants from the judgment throne. 
 
 And, oh ! beware a bard, his temples round 
 
 With Phoebus' bays and Venus myrtle bound ; 
 
 He, who alone in these degenerate days 
 
 Can boast a brilliant pen — a classic page, 
 
 Who twines the scourge with old Anacreon's vine ; 
 
 Now wraps the soul in poesy divine ; 
 
 Then turns to satire, points the trenchant line, 
 
 And Flaccus' glories round his temples shine. 
 
 Long time have fools provok'd his classic rage, 
 
 And hate to Fudge's fill'd the brilliant page ; 
 
 Then think if he who wields so dread a pen 
 
 Should turn his ire upon thy sons again, 
 
 And Poor-law bills or Russian loans provoke 
 
 The polish'd sarcasm or the cutting joke. 
 
 I tremble at the thought : oh ! then arrest 
 
 His power, and, Goddess, ever be thou blest. 
 
56 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Gower-street and high St. Stephen's join their voice, 
 
 And our new Grub-street, May-fair, shall rejoice."* 
 
 " Know'st not," — the Goddess smiled, and gently said, 
 
 " Or hast forgot the secrets of thy trade ? 
 
 Know'st not to praise some booby, and to pour 
 
 Filth on the hated in unceasing shower, 
 
 Some fourth-rate blockhead high with praise t' inflate. 
 
 Compare the two, the difT'rence gravely state ; 
 
 And though unlike as eagles to a wren, 
 
 Or as Thersites to the king of men ; 
 
 Be his the palm, whose politics shall be 
 
 The same as thine, though duller e'en than thee ! "f 
 
 * No authors can be read without they are noble. It is surprising 
 how titles are sought after in these days. From a temperance meeting to 
 a novel nothing can be done without a lord in the chair or on the title- 
 page. 
 
 f How disgusting it is to find a periodical abuse an author merely 
 because he differs from them in political opinions. Need I name a peri- 
 odical that has been attacking the greatest living poet, Thomas Moore, 
 month after month, in the most Billingsgate style. How great a contrast 
 to Blackwood ; that magazine gives every man his meed of praise, whe- 
 ther Whig, Tory, or Radical. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 57 
 
 " Stand forth," she cried, " and forth a Humbug stood, 
 
 With brazen forehead, on a block of wood. 
 
 Assume,"* said she, " a livery of brown ; 
 
 Print double columns, — charge just half-a-crown, — 
 
 Take the same side, and strive to ape the tone 
 
 Of him who sits on Maga's lofty throne ; 
 
 And then at once thou may'st thy venom pour, 
 
 Thy dullest venom, on the head of Moore. 
 
 And justly 'tis thy due, thy well-eam'd fame, 
 
 ' The Humbug's Blackwood' be thy honour'd name."* 
 
 Low bowed the Bibliopoles, and went their way, 
 
 Pleased with the prize and honours of the day. . 
 
 * Turn Dea nube cava tenuem sine viribus umbram 
 In faciem iEneae (visu mirabile monstrum) 
 Dardaniis ornat telis, clypeumque jubasque 
 Divini assimulat capitis ; dat inania verba, 
 
 Dat sine mente sonum. Virg. JEneid, x. 636. 
 
 * The " servum pecus " of magazines have long tried to imitate Black- 
 wood's style of writing, style of printing, Noctes and price, politics and 
 wrapper, and how they have failed. 
 
58 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Sudden within the dome a sound arose 
 Of high defiance, as 'mongst mortal foes ; 
 And hunting whips, that sounded sharp and quick ; 
 And trying pistol-locks — the sudden click. 
 The noise was fiercer than the Titan's war ; 
 But 'twas noise only, — bloodless was the jar ; 
 The crowd advanc'd, and as they onward came, 
 Each raised his hat and bent before the dame. 
 And one, the foremost of the angry clan, 
 Sunk on his knee, and sighing thus began. 
 " 'Tis ours, oh pitying Goddess, ours to claim 
 That fatal gift, the man of honour's name ; 
 And oh ! should gentle fate and thou decree 
 One little boon, how happy should we be ! 
 Know then, oh Goddess, that in fate's despite, 
 Though oft we're challenged, not a soul dares fight. 
 And ah ! for little slanders, we must shew, 
 Dishonest sight ! a shoulder black and blue. 
 Our insults come with interest back again ; 
 And if we bully, stripes descend amain. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 59 
 
 Our tongues unhappy must from slander cease, 
 
 We cannot tell the smallest lie in peace ; 
 
 Unless thou wilt," — he sighed and dropp'd his head. 
 
 The Goddess mark'd his tears, and gently said, 
 
 " Fear not, my son ! — myself shall interpose 
 
 My softest wiles between thee and thy foes. 
 
 Raise thy sad head,— dread not their stern despite, 
 
 And do not tremble, thou shalt never fight. 
 
 First, be it thine to mark, whoe'er thy foe, 
 
 That he's too high in rank or else too low ; 
 
 Too rich, too poor, — too young, too old, — too strong, 
 
 Too weak, — say anything, you can't be wrong. 
 
 Then send your second with a note polite — 
 
 It grieves your heart, but you decline to fight. 
 
 Or whine, you've register'd a vow in heav'n, 
 
 That many a foul-mouth'd insult shall be given, 
 
 But no apology, however due, 
 
 Or satisfaction shall be had from you. 
 
 And see you deem this vow more sacred far 
 
 Than all your other vows and pledges are. 
 
60 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Or should he be a politician, then 
 
 Be bold, uplift with confidence your pen, 
 
 And write you meant no harm, no disrespect, 
 
 Nor wish'd, nor thought a shadow to reflect 
 
 Upon him personally ; no ! though you 
 
 Dubb'd him a thief and liar — swore 'twas true — 
 
 Yet all the time you meant his public fame ; 
 
 To this alone you gave th' untoward name. 
 
 Then will he write, with swelling conscious pride, 
 
 Another note to say he's satisfied ; 
 
 And both shall join, with each a mutual friend, 
 
 These valiant letters to the Globe to send. 
 
 There shall they blaze, as numbers one to ten, — 
 
 Affair of honour, — influential men, — 
 
 Speech in our Thursday 's paper whence it rose, — 
 
 Chivalrous feeling, — two such noble foes. 
 
 Then learn, my son, though cudgelPd black and blue, 
 
 Humbug and impudence can get you through. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 61 
 
 And you shall bear a man of honour's name, 
 And vent your slander without fear or shame.* 
 Your friends shall welcome with extended hand ; 
 Your club shall keep you in her honour'd band ; 
 For what's a heart, true, generous, and bold, 
 When 'tis compar'd with humbug and with gold." 
 
 Then rose a sound, as when a gentle breeze 
 
 Moves the light leaflets on the aspen trees ; 
 
 Then louder still upon the ear it steals, 
 
 Like startled rooks or London's ceaseless wheels; 
 
 * Those who slander and insult others, and shelter themselves under 
 their own cowardice, as the cuttle-fish escapes by thickening the water 
 with his own filth, are despicable and ought to be hunted from society ; 
 but the humbug of calling a man all sort of names, and then telling him you 
 attack only his public character, amounts to this, that a man may be politi- 
 cally a thorough rascal, may be detected as such, and exposed accordingly, 
 and yet, it only being in a public capacity, he is none the worse for it. 
 And the bullying, the scribbling, the proud satisfaction each man feels at 
 having threatened what he dares not do, and at being assured that he has 
 never been suspected of robbery or lying, except of robbing the public, 
 and breaking every public pledge — Oh ! what a satire on modern public 
 spirit. 
 
62 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And then a train appeared, with mincing walk, 
 They came, — and, oh ! ye gods, how they did talk ! # 
 And on such subjects, — Metaphysics — Trade — 
 Steel Pens — Acoustics — Steam- Boats — Light and Shade- 
 Theology — and India-Rubber— -Gas — 
 And Optics, all in bright confusion pass. 
 And when a little space was found between 
 The chatter, then there spoke the goddess Queen. 
 il These are my scientific vot'ries, lanky wives, 
 And blues, who 'gainst their wills lead single lives : 
 And dandies turn'd philosophers, who quote 
 The backs of books, all glibly learn'd by rote : 
 These, who ne'er form'd a notion or a thought, 
 Save where the sweetest essence might be bought, 
 Attend the lectures of some half-starv'd quack, 
 Catch a few phrases to adorn their clack, 
 And then pronounce on all things 'neath the skies, 
 From bishop's sleeves to deepest mysteries. 
 
 * Then he would talk, ye Gods, how he would talk ! 
 
 Nat. Lee's Alexander. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 63 
 
 Know better far than Moses, how the earth 
 From empty nothing took its wondrous birth ; 
 And are far wiser in their empty prate 
 Than was St. Paul on Providence and Fate ; — 
 Shew 'twas by chance the Apostle rais'd the sick,* 
 And Moses' wand was but a conjuring trick : 
 That a chance tide the host of Pharaoh drown'd ; 
 And a chance flash struck holy Paul to ground ; 
 And that the march of mind and reason's ray, 
 So long obscur'd, now struggling into day, 
 Has alter'd all things, made the ancients fools, 
 And chang'd their dogmas to the modern schools, 
 Reason to Pyrrhonism, truth to lies, 
 And made black white, and they, the asses, wise." 
 
 Then, on a sudden, through the lofty room, 
 Arose soft breezes, wafting rich perfume, 
 
 * It is surprising why the softest headed should invariably have so 
 much to say against the Scriptures ; they tell you it is all mythical, or 
 that all is to be referred to natural causes : if any miracle could be so ex- 
 plained away, we think that of Balaam would bear it the best, for now-a- 
 days asses not only speak but write. 
 
64 T H E REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 The gentle harbinger of kerchiefs rare, 
 
 And essence shower'd upon the well-curl'd hair ; 
 
 And then a train advanc'd, — how true their mien, — 
 
 How pure their bow before the goddess Queen ; 
 
 Their coat how built, — their waistcoat to a line, — 
 
 Their whisker perfect, — their moustache divine ; 
 
 Snug in each hat a crumpled speech there lay ; 
 
 The right hand bore the novel of the day ; 
 
 Oh ! what emotions struck the Goddess breast 
 
 When her dear sons before her stood confess'd. 
 
 " These best support my reign," the Goddess cried; 
 
 " These serve me more than all the world beside ; 
 
 For these have greater power to aid my sway ; 
 
 These are the legislators of the day. 
 
 I train them up from children ; I commence 
 
 When dawns the little ray they have of sense. 
 
 The nurs'ry governess makes them first her care ;* 
 
 Keeps their hands white and guards the face from air ; 
 
 * I feel convinced that much mischief is done by the modern slip-slop 
 way of bringing up children ; their bodies are enfeebled and their minds 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 65 
 
 Curls their lank locks, and crams them till they're sick 
 
 With butter'd toast and luscious sugar-stick ; 
 
 And then instructs them what a monstrous sin 
 
 Tis not to be genteel, and pale, and thin ; 
 
 And the bold health, that air and sport bestow, 
 
 Lest they be " rumpled," must they never know. 
 
 Then is the dame to lesser arts inclin'd, 
 
 And turns her eager cares to form the mind : 
 
 And here she strives a morbid taste to raise, 
 
 Fit nurse for novel-reading and for plays ; 
 
 And gives them pretty books, with stories sad 
 
 Of chimney-sweeper and of negro lad ; 
 
 How by the cruel whites the one is bound 
 
 In heavy chains, and flogg'd the whole day round : # 
 
 emasculated at so early an age, that they never seem to recover. Our 
 wretched, un-idea'd, lisping dandy statesmen are a good sample of the 
 school : their desire to meddle, their fussiness, their impotent attempts to 
 be grand, their horror at " chimbley sweeps," savour so strongly of the 
 nursery governess, that there is no mistaking it. 
 
 * There was a story in one of the anti -slavery books of a negro who 
 received every morning for some months one hundred blows from a whip 
 
66 THE. REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 And how the other — can such monsters live ! # — 
 Is forc'd to rise from bed at half-past five ! 
 And how good boys are upright in their mien ; 
 Give beggars pence, and keep their collars clean. 
 Conceited, trembling at each wind that blows, 
 Sickly in mind and frame to school he goes, 
 And by some royal way to learning's hill, 
 Of smatter'd odds and ends, he gets his fill ; 
 His real studies — could I wish them less ! — 
 To smoke cigars and make attempts at dress ; 
 Then goes to college, crams a book or so, 
 And scarcely passes at the greater go ; 
 And rinding that, in spite of empty pate, 
 How easy 'tis for any man to prate, 
 He fancies that he holds within his brains 
 All the vast round of various lore contains — 
 
 weighing twelve pounds, viz. the weight of a blacksmith's sledge-hammer ; 
 and 'twas believed ! 
 
 * One of the hardships so feelingly urged by the climbing-boy advo- 
 cates was that they were obliged to get up so early. Could anything 
 savour more of nursery reminiscences than this ? 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 67 
 
 Affects to think — retails another's thought — 
 
 And shines by phrases that he just has bought; 
 
 Reads half a book of Gibbon — deems a sneer 
 
 An argument conclusive, plain, and clear ; 
 
 Then sports his learning — frowns and gravely quotes 
 
 The abstrusest, scarcest authors — from the notes ; 
 
 Learns to despise whate'er has been before, 
 
 The manly style and force of men of yore, 
 
 And makes one dogma burden to his song, — 
 
 Whatever has been done before is wrong ; 
 
 And thinks, like dress — the only art he knows — 
 
 Antique opinions are like worn-out clothes ; 
 
 A mental tailor, he cuts out by rules,* 
 
 Sneers at the parchment of the former fools, 
 
 And, like our modern Schneiders, who for man 
 
 Cut garments on a geometric plan, 
 
 * The other day a tailor brought a friend of mine a coat that fitted 
 very badly. He complained; but the tailor looked incredulously at 
 him, and said, " I beg pardon, sir, but the coat must fit, for the 
 measure's right, and we always cuts out on a jometry principle." 
 
 f2 
 
68 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Plies fiercely right and left his scissors fast, 
 And makes a woful misfit at the last. 
 
 " Now perfect Dandy, both in mind and clothes, 
 I send him forth, and to the House he goes ; 
 Deep in his mind his nurs'ry maudlin keeps, 
 And spouts philanthropy for blacks and sweeps ; 
 But deems the poor far worse than fool or knave, 
 And strives to crush him lower than the slave : 
 Makes poverty a crime, a grievous sin, 
 And builds huge jails to cram the pauper in ; 
 Then turns to commerce — meddles with the throng 
 Of merchants — (fools must meddle, right or wrong) ; 
 Buys Smith, Macculloch — crams them up, (just so 
 He cramm'd his Paley for his little go,) 
 And then at random all they say applies, 
 Wrapp'd in the theorist's glitt'ring paradise : * 
 
 * " Into a limbo, large and broad, since called 
 The Paradise of Fools." — Milton. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 69 
 
 Makes foreign treaties — thinks them wond'rous fine — 
 
 And ships decay, and colonies decline ; 
 
 While savage Russia beards us in her pride, 
 
 And France speaks wond'rous fair, and laughs aside. 
 
 Then to morality he turns his hand — 
 
 Prepares fresh laws to purify the land. 
 
 Oh rare effects of philosophic skill ! * 
 
 Poachers increase beneath the new Game Bill ; 
 
 The Beer Bill raises hovels all around, 
 
 In whose low precincts ev'ry vice is found. 
 
 * Can any thing shew " the school " better than the fact, that in spite 
 of all the failures in their recent attempts at legislation, they stick to 
 their old theories, and no one can drive them from them ? I do not 
 think there has been one enactment of any importance that has answered 
 the end intended. Poachers are more numerous, and more desperate 
 than they used to be. The Beer Bill has had the effect of demoralizing 
 the country-people more than any other law could do, and of forcing 
 the London public-house-keepers to turn their houses into gin-palaces. 
 The Reform Bill pleases and satisfies nobody, particularly the ten-pound 
 clause. Our foreign policy is the ridicule of the world, and the philan- 
 thropy that makes a workhouse worse than a prison will soon array rich 
 against poor as never was known in England. 
 
70 
 
 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG, 
 
 The Poor Law Bill, with philanthropic art, 
 Saves the seducer's purse and glads his heart, 
 But drives th' unhappy girl, the victim's prey, 
 In wild despair her new-born babe to slay. 
 The wretch who steals gaunt hunger's pang to still, 
 He feels the tortures of the Cold Bath mill, 
 Where our philanthropist has well designed 
 The silent system — torture for the mind :* 
 
 * This barbarous inquisition-like system of mental torture is no doubt 
 illegal: the Bill of Rights expressly declares, that there shall be no 
 new, strange, or cruel punishments. Could the French Bastille, 
 could the oubliettes of former days, be more horrid than the plunging 
 a man into a modern house of correction. He is set to the very hardest 
 labour his frame is capable of; he is fed on food that produces eruptions 
 all over him ; he is prevented from receiving a letter ; debarred from 
 seeing a friendly face ; his wife, his children kept from him — he or they 
 may be dying or dead for aught he knows ; and he is prohibited from 
 uttering to his companion in misery one single word, on pain of a solitary 
 dungeon and worse food than even his daily scanty pittance of Scotch 
 hog-wash. And this is our modern philanthropy ! I suppose we shall 
 soon have the rack and thumb-screws recommended as effectual modes 
 of l preventing crime ' and ' purifying a population.' 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 71 
 
 But for a villain, who has worm'd his way 
 
 To make an unsuspecting friend his prey — 
 
 Has plunder'd him of thousands — torn his son 
 
 From college e'er the half-grasp'd prize is won — 
 
 And taught his daughter how the love grows cold 
 
 When fate deprives the lovely of their gold — 
 
 For him, the debtor, there's no cause to fear ; 
 
 Our pension'd statesmen drop a kindred tear ; 
 
 The day arrives — a yawning lawyer looks 
 
 O'er his petition — glances at his books — 
 
 Wipes off his paltry debts — no more delay, 
 
 He mounts his tilbury and rides away ; 
 
 And Clapham-road or Connaught-terrace shew 
 
 How law is made for rascals here below. 
 
 Thus a grave matron purchases Buchan, 
 
 And studies physic on the symptom plan ; 
 
 In one poor frame, by grave research, finds out 
 
 Asthma and fever, atrophy and gout ; 
 
 And spouse and children crams without remorse 
 
 With doses strong enough to kill a horse, 
 
 And wonders how it is they will get worse. 
 
72 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 " Oh how I joy the gentle cant to hear, 
 Whose varnish'd phrases meet th' enchanted ear ; 
 Where vice is virtue, if in wealth she's roll'd, 
 And virtue made a scheme for getting gold. 
 Religion buying livings, or intent 
 Counts the collection or the last pew-rent. 
 Temperance denies the poor, with mournful whine, 
 One drop of spirit, and gets fresh with wine. 
 Courage, who dreads a doubled fist to see, 
 Holds fast a poker or Dutch snickersnee. 
 Prim Charity ! her pockets scarce will hold 
 The smuggled weight of the subscription- gold. 
 And thou, Philanthropy ! of thee is made, 
 By many a smooth-tongued rogue, a gainful trade : 
 Oh it is thine o'er jibbing steeds to weep, 
 Sigh o'er the black, and blubber o'er the sweep ; 
 Or write to prove what crimped skate-fish feel, 
 How lobsters boil, and how they skin an eel ; 
 Or, with a fellow-feeling, cry alas ! 
 And rave when costermongers beat an ass — 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 73 
 
 Yet suffer dogs to draw the heaviest load, 
 
 And fall unpitied on the weary road. 
 
 No ; though for asses thou hast sympathy, 
 
 A noble dog in nought resembles thee* 
 
 Oh there's no cant that gods and men descry 
 
 In these blest times as soft Philanthropy : 
 
 She raved for freedom, and assistance gave 
 
 That bound the Pole, the savage Russian's slave — 
 
 Dubs the poor man a lazy, worthless hind, 
 
 And prates of open views and noble mind ; 
 
 While living, grudges him his fill of bread, 
 
 And sells him to the surgeon's knife when dead.* 
 
 But why enlarge? thou know'st them well," she said, 
 
 And waved her wand around her lofty head. 
 
 Then, thick as duns about a dandy's gate, 
 
 Or lawyers, who for Whig commissions wait — 
 
 * Cobbett prophesied that the Anatomy Bill would cause a desperate 
 commotion among the people ; but no ! the poor are sent off to the 
 anatomical shambles, and not a word is said. The modern maxim seems 
 to be, * Humbug, and grind ' the people, and they'll be quiet enough. 
 
74 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Thick, as the hops in Kentish gardens blow, 
 
 Or bowls of turtle at my Lord Mayor's show — 
 
 Thick, as the wolves in Swedish forests range — 
 
 Thick, as are Quakers on the Corn Exchange — 
 
 They came. The Goddess bade the leaders bow, 
 
 And know the Hero for their leader now. 
 
 " Oh take these troops," she cried; " to earth descend, 
 
 With these brave troops thou shalt the contest end. 
 
 Down to the earth — they wait, they wait for thee ! 
 
 Away, and win o'er Sense the victory, 
 
 And Humbug's sacred reign exalted high shall be." 
 
 They came ; the Hero roll'd his eyes around, 
 
 And twitch'd his nose, # which gave an awful sound ; 
 
 And, with a smile, the much-enduring man, 
 
 Grim smile of rising hope, his speech began :— 
 
 " Shall these be mine ? — shall I thy truncheon wield, 
 
 And lead thy armies to a glorious field ? 
 
 * K.at ol ae* dfH//.e<a x/>ha, iron pivk y.a,^rca. 
 
 Theocritus, Eidyll. i. 18. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 75 
 
 What dazzling visions burst upon my sight, 
 
 Like the prismatic rays, confused and bright. 
 
 I see — I see — before our shining car 
 
 Change and confusion guide the serried war. 
 
 Conceit, as herald, paces on before 
 
 With Elocution — that long-winded bore. 
 
 Then, as we march, what change the gazer sees ; 
 
 Birds in the water — fish among the trees ; *(- 
 
 Quack'ry upon the bench — while law is seen 
 
 To toil, unaided, all in bombazeen. 
 
 Religion turn'd to politics is set, 
 
 On Sundays, o'er the unstamp'd Cleave's Gazette ; 
 
 While Science spells the Penny Magazine, 
 
 And modern Chivalry insults a queen. 
 
 * Hie est, tibi quem promitti saepius audis, 
 
 aurea condit 
 
 Ssecula qui rursus Latio, regnata per arva 
 
 Saturno quondam. 
 
 Ms. vi. 791. 
 
 f Delphinum sylvis fluctibus aprum. 
 
 Hoit. de Arte Poet. 30. 
 
76 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Philanthropy, who weeps her eye-balls sore, 
 And grudges aught, save gruel, to the poor.* 
 And Patriotism, who breathes his ardent wishes 
 To handle and to share the loaves and fishes. 
 Then what transcendent glories round us flit : 
 Rice shall be Chatham — Melbourne shall be Pitt ;f 
 Durham, as Falkland, shall be borne to fame, 
 And Russell plume himself in Cecil's name. 
 Hampdens as Hookers shall ascend the skies ; 
 A brewer again, a Cromwell shall arise ; J 
 
 * Frondibus arbuteis, et amara pascitur herba. — Ovid. Met. i. 
 + Discedo Alca-us puncto illius : ille meo quis ? 
 Quis nisi Callimachus ? — Hor. Ep. ii. 2, 99. 
 % I wonder, when a certain great man first set up his breweries, that 
 no one quoted the old Cavalier song to him : 
 
 A brewer may be a Parliament man, 
 For there the knavery first began, 
 And brew most cunning plots he can, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
 A brewer may be as brave as Hector, 
 When he had drunk his cup of nectar, 
 And a brewer may be a Lord Protector, 
 
 Which nobody can deny. 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 77 
 
 And I, thy dearest, thy most favour'd son, 
 Be Bacon, Scroggs, and Shaftesbury in one.* 
 Then shall each dandy wield the author's pen, 
 And sland'rous cowards rank as gentlemen. 
 The English poor, like spaniels, turn and lick 
 The foot uprais'd their half-starv'd sides to kick ; 
 The noisiest patriots warmest pensions share, 
 And sceptics fill the theologic chair ; 
 And thy blest reign be ev'ry where obeyed ; 
 Thy genial laws by ev'ry tongue be prais'd ; 
 And humbug last until the fire, that lies 
 Smould'ring unheeded, shall ascend the skies ; 
 And fierce democracy in fury roll, 
 And anarchy prevail from pole to pole." 
 
 " To earth ! " the Goddess cried, " to earth descend, 
 My sons, in triumph shall our car attend." 
 
 * The way in which a great man insinuates that he is like Lord Bacon 
 is very good. Lord Bacon wrote books — Lord Bacon was Lord Chan- 
 cellor — Lord Bacon headed the philosophy of the day, &c. &c. 
 
78 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 They came, and, downward with tremendous force, 
 The heav'nly car pursued its earthward course ; 
 And soon the seas and darker land appear'd, 
 As o'er the Atlantic's waves the vessel steer'd ; 
 They pass'd that isle, which on its border lies,* 
 Long fam'd for fighting and anomalies ; 
 Where blunders o'er the land unbridled range, 
 And all is contradictory and strange. 
 The richest, poorest, fairest, filthiest soil, 
 The sons laborious, yet averse to toil ; 
 Where parsons teach to keep the powder dry, 
 And Catholics uplift a rabble cry ;f 
 They pass'd this land, and cross'd the narrow seas, 
 And that fair country fam'd for leeks and cheese ; 
 
 * He pass'd the planets seven, and pass'd the fixed 
 And that crystalline sphere, &c. — Milton. 
 f One strange anomaly respecting Ireland is, that the Roman Catholics, 
 who in every other country are staunch asserters of " awful rule and 
 right supremacy," should be the " rebels " of Ireland. There is not a 
 more respectable body of men in the world than the English Roman 
 Catholics; and in Austria, Spain, France, Italy, every other country, 
 
THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 79 
 
 And onward bent their way, o'er hill and down, 
 With slower flight to fair Augusta's town. 
 
 Earth knew their presence, — where their course they 
 A wreath of fog in wavy folds appear'd ; [steer'd, 
 
 Each dunghill smok'd ; each cur began to bay ; 
 And owls loud hooting hail'd the dark'ning day ; 
 The donkey rais'd his welcome loud and clear ; 
 The ignis fatuus danc'd across the mere ; 
 
 the cause of order is strenuously upheld by them. In fact the Ultras are 
 now ridiculously raking up every old " no popery " story, and attacking 
 most acrimoniously the very system they support in Spain, in the person 
 of Carlos and his adherents. Why do the Catholics support O'Connell, 
 either openly or tacitly ? because they fear if the Ultras get into power, 
 that the old persecutive penal laws will be revived against them. The 
 Catholics were treated as fellow Englishmen in Charles the First's days, 
 and they were invariably found on the side of the loyalists. In James 
 the Second's reign they were smarting under the cruelties inflicted on 
 them during the Titus Oates trials ; could it be wondered at that they 
 sided with the deposed monarch ? I do hope that the respectable Roman 
 Catholics will be relieved from their present fears. If they are, we shall 
 soon see them reject the beggar, fling away his box, and become asserters 
 of an orderly state of things. 
 
80 THE REIGN OF HUMBUG. 
 
 Below their feet as in the air they hung, # 
 
 With richest scent spontaneous mushrooms sprung : 
 
 High in the house th' expecting members sate, 
 
 Hush'd was the talk, — suspended the debate ; 
 
 The car came on, — the fog approach'd apace, f 
 
 Wrapt ev'ry head and darken'd ev'ry face ; 
 
 And 'midst loud cheers the clouds around them fall, 
 
 And in one blind confusion hide them all. 
 
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 YlVKVOV KCU fJLXXoCXQVj 0£ CC7T0 xfioVOq V^/6<T iBfye' 
 
 Iliad, S. 347. 
 
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 Xev\ . Iliad, P. 268. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 MARCHANT, PRINTER, INGRAM COURT. 
 
HBHKI 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 014 152 367 3