NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. PRICE,] [15 Cents. THE ACTING DRAMA, .Z3T*7$7°- 147 ' PIPES and PERDITION. NEW YOBK : O. A. Roorbach, Publisher. A Catalogue of Flays, giving the number of acts and characters, costumes and scenery required, and time of representation of each, will be sent free to any address* LIST OF PLAYS PUBLISHED BY O. A. ROORBACH, NEW YORK. Frice, 15 Cents Each. Advice Gratis. Afloa. and Ashore. All's Fair in Love and War. All In Der Family. Alladdin and the Wonderful Lamp. Antony and Cleopatra Mar- ried and Settled. Ask no Questions. Aunt Dinah's Pledge. Babes in the Wood, The. Bachelor's Bed-room, The. Bud Temper, A. Bailiffs Daughter, The. Beauty and the Beast. Betsy's Profile. Big Banana, The. Black urook Burlesque. Blue Beard. Boat ding School, The. Bric-a-Brac. Broken Promises. Broken Seal, The. Cabin Boy. The. Camille. Carried by Assault. Caste. Caught in his Own Toils. Champagne. Changelings (The) ; or, Which is Which! Charity. Child of Circumstance, The. Cinderella. Clancarty (Lady). Closing of The "Eagle," The. Comedy of Errors, burlesque. Cousin Florence. Cousin to Them All, A. Cross Purposes. Crumpled Rose Leaf, A. Cure for Coquettes, A. Da> cing Barber, The. Dark Deeds. Dark Noight's Business, A. Dawn ef Love, The. Decree of Divorce, The. Deeds of Dreadful Note. " Diplomacy." Don't Marry a Drunkard to Reform Him. Dot Mad Tog. Dot Madrimonial Advertise- ment. Dot Quied Lotgings. Drunkard's Home, The. Drunkard's Warning, The. Dutchman in Ireland. Eligible Situation, An. Fairy Freaks. Family Pictures. Family Pride. Fast Family, The. Feast, The. Fenian Spy, The. Fifteen Years of a Drunk- ard's Life. Fireside Diplomacy. Foresight ; or, My Daugh- ter's Dowry. Frog Prince, The. Fruits of the Wine-Cup, Furnished Apartments. Gabrie.lle de Belle Isle. Game of Billiards, A. Gay Old Man Am I, A- Getting up in the World. Girls of the Period, The. Going Through Him. Grace Darling. Gray Mare, A. Great Arrival, The. Great Eastern, The. Hamlet the Dainty. Happy Dispatch, The. Harlequin Little Red Riding Hood. Harvest Storm, The. Hasty Conclusion, A. His First Brief. H M.S. Pinafore. Hop of Fashion. The. How to Settle Accounts With Your Laundress. Hurrah for Pans! I'll Tell Your Wife I Love Your Wife. Ingomar. Inhuman. Irish Dragoon. Irish Engagement, An. Jack, The Giant Killer Jack's the Lad. Juliet's Love Letter. Katharine and Petruchio. La Cigale. Last Drop, The. Last Lily, The. Law Allows it, The. Leedle Mistake, A. Let Those Laugh Who Win. Limerick Boy, The, (Paddy Miles' Boy). Little Red Riding Hood. Little Silver Hair and the Three Bears. Locked Door, The. Lonely Pollywog of the Mill Pond, The. Lost Heir, The. Love, burlesque. Love and Money. Love Fiower, The. Love Master — Love Man. Loves of Little Bo-Peep, The. Love to Music. Lucy's Love Lesson. Lying in Ordinary. Lyrical Lover. Mad Astronomer, A. Male and Female. Married Widows, The. Marry in Haste and Repent at Leisure. Masquerading for Two. Matched, but nut Mated. Matrimony. Maud's Command. Mazeppa, burlesque. Medical Man, A. Middle Temple, The. Mischievous Bob. Miseries of Human Life. Money Makes the Man. Monsieur Pierre. More Bluuders Than One. Mother and Child are Doing Well. The. Mothers and Fathers. Mrs. Sairey Gamp's Tea and Turn Out. Mulcahy's Cat. Muolo.The Monkey. My Friend in the Straps. My Precious Betsy. Mystic Spell, The. Oh, My Uncle! One Must Marry. Original, The. Othello, burlesque. Ould Man's Coat Tails. Our Mary Anne. Our Professor. Out in the Streets. Out of the Depths. Patches and Powder. Peculiar Position, A. Penelope Anne. Perfection: or, The Cork Leg. Persecuted Dutchman, The. CONTINUED ON THIRD PAGE OF COVER. PIPES AND PERDITION A COMEDY %n ©tue &jct ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH, BY J. Y. PRICHARD. - TO WHICH IS ADDED : THE CAST OP CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, DESCRIPTION OP THE COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 1,1 /T '.ft NEW YORK: O. A. ROORBACH, PUBLISHER. PIPES AND PERDITION. CHARACTEBS Captain Vane Valentine. Weekes, A Va ! et. Mrs. Alice Vane Valentine. Miss Rebecca Moloch. TIME— THE PRESENT. 754*^ COSTUMES— MODERN. PROPERTIES. A German, a Turkish and an English briar pipe for the Captain. A common clay pipe, a tray and matches for Weekes. Shawls and travelling paraphernalia for Miss Moloch. ARRANGEMENT OF STAGE. "Window. Passage. Table. Table. O .Double Doors. O ab: Chair. Chair. Table. Sola Copyright, 1881, by O. A. Roobbach. PIPES AND PERDITION. Scene.— A private Salon in the Hotel Violette, Paris. The furni- ture and decorations should indicate that the suite is specially appropriated to bridal parties. Double doors at the back open- ing upon a passage with a practical window. A door, r., leading to the room set apart for Miss Moloch. Door, l., opening upon the chamber occupied by Captain Yalentine and his bride. A sofa, chairs, and several tables loaded with flowers in various stages of fadedness furnish the stage. As the curtain rises the doors are all carefully closed, and the Captain is discovered in a rich dressing-gown and cap, lying upon the Sflfa, smoking a German pipe. He affects an insouciant air, but is evidently nervous. Captain (ejecting wreaths of smoke). u Sublime tobacco ! which, from east to west, cheers the tar's labor and the Turkman's rest." Let me see — how does the apostrophe run? Ah, yes! " Divine in hookas, glorious in a pipe, when tipped with amber, mellow, rich, and ripe ; like other charmers, wooing the caress more more " Confound my memory ! how treacherous it is, to be sure ! Who would have believed that I, Yane Yalentine, could have forgotten a single word, that was ever written, spoken or thought in praise of that which was once my pet dissipation ! Ah, well ! half a blissful honey- moon, total abstinence from the alluring weed, and a general condi- tion of much-marriedness have wrought this startling change in me. This is actually the first opportunity I have had in two weeks of paying my respects to the darling pipes, which, during my happy bachelor days, stood by me in good stead of lady-loves and sweet- hearts. Alas, how real, how human those dear pipes seemed to me in my solitude, named, as they all were, after the most seductive heroines of romance, and always spoken of in the feminine gender. An odd fancy, surely, but then they were my sole companions. "Well, well, those days of innocent folly are passed and gone — vanished like the blue wreaths that were wont to waft my soul to the very gates of Paradise. (Smokes.) It is not that I have cause to regret my term of single-blessedness. Far from it ! My sweet Alice is the beau-ideal of 4 PIPES AND PERDITION. bridal perfection, but she detests tobacco and a pipe (Enter "Weekes precipitately at back.) "Well, what do you want now? "Weekes (breathlessly). Captain, I believe the Missis has returned and is coming up stairs ! Captain (springing to ids feet). My wife coming? The devil you say ! (Gives Weekes his pipe.) Here, take it, quick ! Carry it out somewhere, anywhere, so that she does not see it ! Be off ! (Exit "Weekes at back with pipe.) I did, flatter myself that I should have had one half-hour, at least, to myself. (Thrashes the air with his handkerchief and cap to disperse the smoke.) There would be a rup- ture here were she to perceive this smoke. Enter "Weekes at back. "Weekes. Beg pardon, Captain, it was not the Missis after all. Captain. Stupid ! Have you no eyes ? Let me have Marguerite again, and another time Weekes (handing him a short, black pipe). Here she is, Cap- tain. Captain (placing pipe between his lips without noticing it). I'll wager she's out now ! (Starting.) Pah ! I should say so ! Lord bless me, this is not my Marguerite at all ! "What is this vile thing ? Whose is it ? "Weekes (in alarm). Oh, ten thousand pardons, Captain ! In my haste I Captain (furiously). It is your pipe, "Weekes ! "Weekes (modestly). I won't go back on her, Captain ; it is my Mary-Jane. Captain (in disgust, throwing pipe at "Weekes). Phew ! Infec- tion! So you indulge, do you? And pray, how long since is it that you have had the effrontery to christen your villainous pipes as I do mine? "Weekes (picking up pipe). This is the only companion of my solitude, Captain, and I don't suppose I have bestowed six whiffs upon her for the last fortnight. Captian (repressing a smile). It is well for you that you have not. Now be off, and bring me Marguerite this time. If she is out, you may replace her by the Sultana or Victoria. And understand, for the future, that I never re-light a hot pipe. Now go. "Weekes. Very good, Captain. (Exit at back. Captain (throwing himself upon the sofa). I wish the old Harry himself had had my wife's aunt Rebecca before she put her up to pre- venting my smoking ! Left to herself, Alice is well enough, but— Enter "Weekes at back with a German and Turkish pipe. "Weekes. Marguerite is out, Captain. Captain (taking German pipe). How do you know? "Weekes (cautiously). That is, I 1 suppose so. PIPES AND PERDITION. 5 Captain. Permit me to be the judge. {Tests pipe and returns it.) ¥o wonder, after such an abominable interruption ! Give me the Sultana. Weekes (handing him the Turkish pipe). Here she is, sir. Captain (places pipe at his lips ; Weekes lights it). I would give all the Sultanas and Marguerites in the world for my Spanish Carmen, which you were stupid enough to leave at home, blockhead. 1 Weekes (penitently). I did not think, Captain, that Captain (tartly). You are not supposed to be troubled with any thoughts whatsoever. Now leave me, and (Weekes starts and returns. Weekes. Sir ? Captain. And I warn you to give your Mary Ann, or whatever you call her, a rest, or I will give you a week's notice to put in your pipe and smoke it. Weekes. I understand, Captain. (Aside.) Since I am out of tobacco and pocket too, a week's notice is all I, Weekes, am likely to smoke until we strike the blessed soil of old England again. (Exit at bade. Captain (smoking dreamily). Ah, what luxury this is! The fact is, I should not have dared to look ac a pipe except that Alice got up with a cold in her head this morning and informed me that she was booked for some baronne's breakfast. The opportunity was too alluring to be neglected, the temptation too potent for me, and I succumbed. (SmoUng thoughtfully.) Now I am very much puzzled about that little better-half of mine ; for the last two or three days she has seemed preoccupied, almost sullen and altogether queer. _ I scarcely recognize her. That dear sweet spinster aunt of hers, Miss Rebecca Moloch, notified us last evening that it is her intention to join us here in Paris at once, and under these circumstances perhaps I need not charge my mind with Alice's vagaries, since the old lady is sure not to be in the house more than an hour before she has ferreted out the secret of my wife's defection and saved me the trouble. Antique girls of her stamp have a penchant for guessing conundrums. There is no denying, however, that something sombre has come over the spirit of Alice's dreams. It is not a case of mother-in-law ; in that respect, I have to thank my stars that my horizon is without a cloud. Aunt Rebecca affects the maternal solicitude, but, heaven he praised ! the nuisance ceases with the affectation. The point that disturbs my equanimity is, — why the devoted old soul has sud- denly taken it into her precious head to swoop down upon us in the midst of our honeymoon and before we have even been permitted to finish our wedding-trip in peace. I consider her interference here a positive impertinence. The very instant her telegram was received a restraint fell upon us. I cannot regard it otherwise than a subtle, pernicious influence that exerts some fell magnetism, setting at naught the intervening miles of dull land and nauseous water. Of a surety, coming events cast their shadows before. Well, there is 6 PIPES AND PERDITION. but one tiling to be done now, and that is, to assume a bold front and face the music. "Weekes {putting his head in at bade). Hist! Captain! Some- one has just sneezed on the stairs ! Captain {starting up). Sneezed, do you say ? It's my wife ! "Weekes {looking off at back). It is the Missis, Captain, and there's somebody with her ! Captain {rushes back and looks off ). Merciful goodness ! It is Aunt Rebecca ! Here, take this pipe, quick ! Conceal it ! Were she to clap her lynx's eye upon my Sultana, it would be equivalent to unconditional separation upon the spot ! {Pushes Weekes off with the pipe. Heaven grant that our cherished relative may have a cold in her head, also! Oh, for a deluge of cologne to disinfect the sure disaster that hangs pendent in this air ! {Exit hurriedly, l., just as Alice and Miss Rebecca enter at the back. They both advance %n silence and pause suspiciously in middle of stage. Miss R. {aside.) Tobacco — smoke ! Alice (aside). 2Zie was here and has fled; and what is more, he was not alone ! Miss R. So this is your suite, is it, Alice ? What a suspicious odor there always is about hotel rooms. Do you notice it, my dear? Alice. No, aunt ; I have a dreadful cold in my head. Miss R. I congratulate you, Alice ! {Sneezes.) What ails me ! Alice. You must have caught cold coming over last night. Miss R. {suspiciously.) Do you think so? Possibly. {Aside.) But I fancy I have lived quite long enough to know a cold when I have one ! Alice. How sweet of you to come to us so soon, dear Aunt Re- becca J Miss R. Well, to tell the truth, I couldn't stand the pressure an- other minute and had to come. Where are your bed-rooms? ( They take off their hats and cloaks. Alice {pointing to door, l). That is our room. The one opposite we have reserved for you. Miss R. Rather close quarters, but I suppose it will have to do. Come, my dear, let us sit down. I want you to tell me just how you have been getting on. (They seat themselves on sofa.) How does your husband turn out? Alice {hesitating). Quite as well as you could expect. Miss R. (tartly). But I didn't expect, my dear. I never sanc- tioned the marriage, notwithstanding the important fact that I am your god-inother — but your father would have it, and you seconded his madness. What could I do against three of you, mad as March hares as you were ? I grant that Captain Valentine has money, but he is a military man, and I have my private opimon of military men. lam not given tu dissimulation, my dear Alice, and Captain Yane PIPES AND PERDITION. Valentine had good reason to know that I would .not have had him, if he had sought me before he did yon, not though he had been made of gold! ■ . ■■■•■■, Alice. Perhaps yon wrong him, aunt. , .. , ■ ■ . ... , Miss R. I hope I do. You've been married fifteen days, haven t J ° Alice (with a sigh). "No, only fourteen, . . _ . u . , MissR Fourteen, eh? Once I should have said that a fort- night was no time at all to make up one's mind upon a man, but aftpr the storv that is going the rounds m London of a certain young couple ^— oh, it is slmpfy shocking ! And right in the midst of the honeymoon, too ! --.■-,' 1 ,» Alice (nervously). What is the story, aunt > .. •. ... f ,..* Miss R I dare not repeat it. Of course, it is all the man^s fault, who, I need not inform you, is a military man, and m the habit of receiving letters. - . Alice. Letters! From whom? * .-■ ._ ,,.-. Miss R From whom, you simpleton ? How on eartn are you tfoinc to find out ? But let me ask you from whom a military, man woufd be likely to receive letters I You husband does not get any letters, does he f Alice. Oh, it is not that, aunt! ■ _ . . Miss R. (firing.) Not that! Why, mercy on me, speak out, child! What do you mean? He . _ Alice (bursting into tears and throwing herself into Miss K s arms). Oh, dear, dear Aunt Rebecca, I am so wretched! Miss R (rigidly.) I Tcnew it ! I was sure of it ! Now what is it? Tell nie this instant. I shall not be surprised to hear of any il Alice '(soiling). Yane has deceived me— deceived me cruelly, shamefully! He has any number of lady friends whom I do not even know He deceived me about them while we were engaged ; he deceived me on our wedding-eve, and he deceives me every day of our lives! He is a horrid creature! Miss R. (frigidly. ) This is monstrous, but I told you it would be so' How many women are there ? Be more explicit. Alice There is a Spanish girl called Carmen ; there is a Margue- rite, and another named Victoria, who I have made up my mind is English Oh, he knows women of every nationality under the sun ! Miss R. Atrocious— but I am not astonished. Proceed. Alice. Well, one morning, thinking me asleep, Vane came into this room from our chamber, leaving the door ajar. The first thing I heard was mv husband saying to that demon of a valet : Weekes, what have you done with Carmen?" " I left her m London/ was the scoundrel's reply. " What, you blockhead ! " cried Vane, "you have left my pet at home ! " " I supposed that, bemgmarned, whined Weekes, when Vane interrupted him with, "And is my marriage any reason why I should neglect old friends ? 8 PIPES AND PERDITION. Miss R. {breathlessly.) Is it possible ! Oh, but I told yon so I Alice. Presently Yane said, "It is all very well to play the model husband for a few days, but there is an end to everything." Miss R. Grant me patience ! I only wish I had known of this be- fore ! Is that all ? Alice. ISTo. Weekes replied, "Do not be distressed, Captain, there are plenty as well colored as Carmen ." Miss R. Colored ! Oh, but this is abominable ! And what did your husband say to that ? Alice. He said, "All right, go and pick me out a couple." . \ Miss R. (horrified. ) A couple I Alice. Just fancy my feelings, Aunt Rebecca, when that horrid valet asked, " Shall I get you a Turkish one ? " Miss R. A Turk ! Oh, only let me see her ! Alice. "No," said Yane, " the Sultana is enough. You may as well get me a neat, tidy little German, and be careful that no one sees you bringing the Fraillein in." Miss R. (wildly.) This man is a monster! My imagination fails to grasp the enormity of his villainy. My poor, dear child ! All is lost! Your happiness is ruined ! Your What did you do upon making this discovery ? Alice. Do ? "Why, naturally I attempted to prove the truth of what I had heard. Miss R. Prove ! What proofs did you require? He's a military man, and that settles it ! Alice. One thing more. You did not notice that that door there (pointing, L.) was just closing as we entered? Miss R. (starting.) Why, no ! Was it? What does it mean ? Alice. It means that Yane was in this room, and that he was not alone, since I heard voices there as we came up stairs. Miss R. (faintly.) Alice, you are undone ! This is the last camel that broke the straw's, no, no, I mean (Enter Weekes, l.) Who is this? Alice (aside). The valet, Weekes ; his accomplice. Weekes. Captain Yalentine begs to present his compliments to Miss Moloch, and to inform her that, having completed his toilet, he will be with her in a few minutes. Miss R. (with assumed graciousness.) You are Weekes, the valet, I believe? Weekes (bowing). I have that honor, Miss, at your service. Miss R. (handing him money.) This for your faithful duty to my nephew-in-law. Weekes. Half-a-crown ! (Aside.) Now this is my sort of an old maid. (Aloud. ) Thanks very much, ma'am. Miss R. Your master was in this room when we entered, was he not, my good fellow ? Weekes (hesitating). Ah, no, er that is, yes, ma'am. Miss R. What was he doing ? PIPES AND PERDITION. 9 Weekes (embarrassed). I he er Alice. Answer, Weekes. Remember, I am your mistress. What was my husband doing here ? Weekes. Really, ma'am, I can't say. Alice. I command yon to reply ! Weekes (aside to Alice). The Captain said as how if Aunt Re- becca knew, there would be a separation between you on the spot j she would not understand that Alice (sternly). Confess ! He was with Victoria ! "Weekes (amazed). How did you know the name ? Miss R. (wildly). Tousee! Alice, The wretch ! Weekes. But, ladies, it is not my fault ! I saw it would come to this. I begged and prayed him when he married to give up Alice. Do not seek to deceive us, sir ! Tell us the truth. Weekes. You will not betray a poor rascal like me? No ? Well, then, it was not Yictoria. Alice. Who then? Was it Marguerite ? Weekes. No, ma'am, it was the Sultana. Miss R. This is revolting ! Alice. Can it be that he loves them all indiscriminately ? Are they all one to him ? Has he no preference V Weekes. Assuredly, ma'am. Carmen is his favorite. Alice. That Spanish fiend ! Weekes. Ah, but she's a beauty ! You'ld say so yourself. Alice. Is she, then, so very beautiful, — more so than the Fraulein even? Weekes. Oh, far more ! She is a Damascan blade to a rusty carving-knife ! Alice (aside). What infamy ! (Aloud.) Is she really Spanish? Weekes. Not a bit of her. She's French, of Paris, through and through. Master calls her Carmen because she's a true brunette and the amber sets her off so ! Oh, she's a daisy ! Such a shape, too ! No mere sham about her ! Miss R. You have seen her, then ? Weekes (smiling). Well, rather. Why, I've smo— (checks him- self abruptly). Miss R. (sharply. ) What were you going to say ? Weekes. Nothing, ma'am, nothing ! The Captain is very jealous of his Carmen, and his head is level there ; he could never replace that one. You don't meet with the likes of that every day, as you'ld say yourself if you were a judge. Miss R. I must confess that even this Spanish creature is prefer- able to a Sultana ! Ugh ! Weekes. I agree with you, Miss Moloch. Next to Carmen," give me my Mary Jane ! She's just a duck ! (Throws a kiss into space.) Alice. That will do, Weekes, you may go. (Exit Weekes, l. Miss R. Well, we have heard the_truth_at last! I know not 10 PIPES AND PERDITION. what to say ! "Words fail me ; even my breath stifles me ! Ton see now what military men are ! I knew it — knew it well. I am never mistaken when once my mind is made up ! Alice (in despair). I shall die of chagrin ! Miss R. And you might add, of disgrace ! Alice (crying). Ha, ha, ha! Miss R. (crying). Ho, ho, ho ! "What will become of us ! The Captain suddenly enters, l Both women scream and rush precipitately of at back. Captain (advancing smilingly). My dear aunt, how very amiable of you to — (pauses. ) Upon my word, what ails them ? Are they mad ? ( Goes to doors at bade. ) Alice, my dear wife ! It is only I ! Comeback! "What is the matter? What has happened? (Going to door, L.) "What ho ! Weekes ! ( While the Captain stands with his back turned, Miss Rebecca appears at back. Miss R. (speaking to Alice without). I must hear what is going to be said. I will be complete mistress of the situation or die, one of the two. Enter Weekes, l. Neither of the men perceive Miss Rebecca. Captain. Have you seen the ladies, "Weekes. "Weekes. Yes, Captain. Captain. "What is the trouble ? "Weekes. Captain, I — Captain. Come, come, no prevarication ! Out with it ! "What is the matter with them ? "Weekes. They know all ! Captain (puzzled). All — what? "Weekes (making gestures as if smoking). All our secret. Captain. So, you have betrayed me ! "Weekes. I haven't opened my mouth, Captain. But I have found out that they know all, even to the pet names ! Miss R. Oh, my poor Alice ! Captain. And how did they take it ? Weekes. Deucedly bad, Captain. The old girl said it was revolting. (Exit, l. Miss R. (furiously). I'll " old girl" you, my friend ! Captain. Quite as I expected. I foresaw that the moment she set her foot in this house, good-bye to peace and harmony. Miss R. This is too much— too much for even my exalted pa- tience. . . 4 ... , Captain. Her years have rendered her a meddlesome vixen. Miss R. Yixen, is it now ! Captain. I was a fool to have allowed their entrance to have dis- turbed me. There is no earthly reason why I should not have con- tinued at my ease. Miss R. You hear what he says, Alice ! At his ease I PIPES AND PERDITION. 11 Captain. Under their very noses. Miss R. Oh, the monster ! Captain. Hang me if I don't get Marguerite and bring her in here ! I will not be so hen-pecked ! {Exit, l. Miss R. {coming down stage, followed by Alice.) Do you under- stand? He's going for Marguerite— he's going to bring her here under our very noses ! Oh, the monstrous villain ! Come, my dear, let us leave this place at once ! Now, without a moment's delay ! Alice. Yes, aunt, at once! { The business which follows may be made very comic. ) Miss R. Where is my cloak ? My cloak, I say ? Alice. And mine ! Where did I leave it ? Miss R. Fortunately, my luggage is still at the station ! Have you found my cloak ? ' (They search wildly. Alice. I'm so confused! What cloak? All, yes! Here's your hat! Miss R. Give it me, quick ! If he should fall upon us before we can escape ! No, this is your hat ! Alice. Stay — here's my cloak ! Miss R. Are you mad ? That is mine ! Alice. Wait! Just let me pack my sponge and brushes in — {siezes hat). Miss R. {wildly). In my hat ! Enter tffte Captain at bach; hesilently regards the frantic prepara- tions for departure. Captain. May I inquire, ladies, what is going on here f (Alice and Miss R. shriek and rush into each other's arms. Captain. Well, grant me some explanation. Miss R. Is she with you ? Captain. I beg your pardon ? Miss R. Are you alone ? Captain. I fail to understand you. Miss R. I bid you good-day, sir. Captain. Are you going to leave us ? Miss R. We are going to leave you ! Captain {laughing). Both of you, eh ? So, then, it is an uncon- ditional separation, is it ? Miss R. You may be very sure of that, sir ! I always did say that a military man was as much to be avoided as the plague ! Captain. I am far too well-bred to say it, but I have always thought that I would rather take a good flogging than be subjected to the tender mercies of a mother-in law, or anything approaching such a monstrosity ! Miss R. Oh, grant me patience ! Captain. Come, Alice dear, let us kiss and be friends ; we have had quite enough of this detestable joke. Miss R. You dare offer to kiss my niece when your lips are 12 PIPES AND PERDITION. Captain. Oh, I have used a cachou. Alice. Ah ! MissR. Oh! Captain. Alice, if you wish it, I will swear that never again in all my life will I Alice. Of what avail are your oaths, sir ? Have you not violated all, trampled all in the dust ? Captain (laughing). Violation is a strong word, my dear. For- tunately, however, I may plead an excuse for my behavior. Alice. An excuse, sir ? Pray, what is it ? Captain. The cold, in your head. Miss. R. (confounded.) This assurance surpasses all bounds ! Are we to understand, sir, that whenever your wife has the misfortune to have a slight redness in the region of her nose, you claim the liberty to Captain. Red or white, it is the same charming nose to me ! But if for the time being she chances to lose the use of that precious little organ, you will grant me Miss R. (frigidly.) We grant nothing, sir! Captain (bowing). As I supposed. Miss R. But what connection has my niece's nose with your out- rageous conduct ? Captain. All the connection in the world ! Miss R. I fail to see it. Granting your wife to be deaf, dumb and blind, would you consider such infirmities a feasible cover for your scandalous infidelities ? Captain ( puzzled). I really must beg your pardon. I do not fol- low your drift. Miss R. What excuse do you offer for bringing under the same roof with your bride, into your very rooms even, a whole horde of abominable creatures? Captain (starting). "What ! Alice, I Alice. Oh, do not presume to approach me, sir ! Captain (reproachfully). Can it be possible that you believe Alice! Alice. Do you fancy for a moment that I would deign to notice your Victoria ? Captain (amazed). Victoria ! Miss R. Or that ruffian of a Sultana ? Captain (comprehending the mistake). G-ood heavens ! I see it all ! Ha, ha, ha ! Alice. And Carmen too ! (The Captain shrieJcs with laughter. Miss R. (furiously). You see him laugh ! You see him with your own eyes ! And he is able to laugh, the monster ! My senses reel ! I shall have a turn in a minute ! Captain (laughing). If there is a turn to be had, it will be my turn to have it if you keep on ! PIPES AND PERDITION. 13 Miss R. You are a fiend incarnate ! The very Devil himself, horns and all ! Captain {affecting sorroiv). And yon really must leave us, dear Aunt Rebecca ? Miss R. As fast as steam can cany me! Captain (to Alice). And you, Alice ? Must you desert me also? After this one happy fortnight ! Is it all over? Shall we never meet again ? Alice {hysterically). Fever, never ! . Captain. "Well, so be it ! You are doubtless in the right. " Oh, my offence is rank ; it smells to heaven ; " that is, it probably would if the windows were open. But ere you leave me, permit me at least to make the amende honorable which will prove the profundity of my repentance. {Goes to door, l.) "Weekes ! Alice {wildly). "What are you going to do ? Captain After condemnation wbat follows in natural course but execution ?— "Weekes, I say ! Alice. Oh, what do you mean? Captain. I mean that the execution shall forthwith take place. — "Weekes, where are you? {Enter "Weekes, l. ^Weekes. At your service, Captain. Captain. Advance, "Weekes. How many of those — er,— you know what, — have we with us at present, all told ? TVeekes {counting his Angers). One, two, three — you have four, Captain, and — Captain. And you? "Weekes. One. Captain. "Where are they ? "Weekes. In my room, sir. Captain. Bring them here without delay. "Weekes (hesitating). You must make some allowance for Mary Jane's ap— Captain. Never mind Mary Jane's appearance. Do as I bid you. "Weekes (saluting). Yery good, Captain. (Exit, l. Miss R (nervously). In Heaven's name, what do you intend to to do ? Captain. Be patient. You will see. Miss R. But I do not wish to assist at any cannibal orgy ! Captain. It is too late to retract now. Alice (in alarm). Oh, Yane ! "What are you going to do ! Captain. Throw them all out that fourth-story window yonder. (Points to window at back.) Miss R. (wildly). Mercy on us ! This is murder in the first degree ! Captain. I am well aware of the fact. (Re opens the window.) "Weekes (outside). Here they all are, Captain! Miss R. {screaming). Oh, oh ! This horror will drive me mad ! 14 PIPES AND PERDITION. Let me go! Let me go, I say ! (Exit precipitately , r. Captain. Go, my dear Aunt ! No one has the slightest inten- tion of detaining you. Enter Weekes, l., with all the pipes on a tray. Alice flies to sofa and conceals her face in the cushions. "Weekes. Here are your pets, Captain. (Presents the tray.) Captain (taking Alice's hand). My dear wife, be good enough to inspect the criminals. Alice (hysterically). Oh, no, no, no ! Where are they ? Captain. Here, close by your side. Alice. "Which ones? Captain. Well, here is "Victoria, and Marguerite, and the Sultana; not to mention Mary Jane. (Alice slowly raises herself and glances round in terror. Alice (stricken with amazement). Pipes! Are they pipes ? Really actual pipes ? Captain. "What else did you suppose, my dear ? Alice. Good gracious, I thought oh, Vane, Vane! Ha, ha, ha! ( Throws herself into his arms. Captain (with affected amazement). "Well, what does all this mean ? This sudden access of affection after Alice. Oh, Vane, how mortified I am ! "Will you ever forgive my foolishness ? I thought they were all women ! Weekes (laughing). Women! Women! Jove, you could knock me down with a marabout plume after that ! Captain (embracing Alice). Foolish, jealous little wife ! Alice. I have been meanly suspicious of you, dear ; but I am justly punished ! Weekes. My Mary Jane — a woman ! Thunder and lightning ! Captain (taking the pipes). And now, death to your rivals ! Alice (staying him). !No, no ! I forgive them with all my heart ! Captain. But I insist. My word is pledged that the execution shall take place. Weekes (kneeling). Captain, I crave your mercy for Mary Jane ! Captain (tragically). No mercy shall be shown ! They are all in the same boat, all alike criminals ! (Se throios pipes from window at back. Alice (rushing to door, r.) Aunt ! Aunt Eebecca ! Pray come and sue for the pardon of Mary Jane ! Miss R. (staggering in faintly.) Mercy, mercy ! Don't kill them. Captain (looking from window). There they lie ! Every one of their precious heads broken ! Miss R. (weakly.) Every one ! Every one! Alice, Alice, we shall all be hung for this ! Captain (advancing). The execution is over ! The extreme pen- alty of the law has been fulfilled, and that ends it. PIPES AND PERDITION. 15 Miss R. (starting.) "What does he say? Ends it? Weekes (at the window). Heaven rest her soul ! She's dead as a door-nail ! My Mary Jane has been run over by an omnibus ! Miss R. (covering her face.) Oh, horror, horror ! Captain (laughing). "Weep no more, Weekes. Carmen shall be yours when we reach home. Weekes (in ecstacy). Carmen — mine ! Then I shall wear no weeds for Mary Jane, though I may smoke one out of respect to her memory. Alice. And how satisfactory a substitute shall I be for this same Spanish beauty, my dear Yane ? Miss R. {spitefully.) And for the Sultana as well? Captain (kissing Alice). I can promise you I shall have no fault to find with the exchange ; but in return, promise me that you will never be jealous again. Alice. Never ! Oh, never ! Miss R. (amazed.) What does this mean ? "What do I hear? A reconciliation ! Alice, are you demented ? Captain (advancing smilingly). Everything has been set to rights by the magic of a little simple confidence and common sense. I re- gret that this slight family jar — not a tobacco-jar this time — has pre- vented me from bidding you welcome to Paris. Really, my dear aunt, how are you ? (In wonder and amazement Miss R. slowly recoils until she trips and sinks into Weekes' arms ; upon recog- nizing him, she rises with a shriek. Miss R. Oh, you monster ! Alice. Dear aunt, be reasonable. It was all a severe practical joke of Vane's; but all's well that ends well, you know. Captain. So why should we not finish this wedding trip in har- mony together? Miss R. I consent, provided there are to be no more foreign women in the party. "Weekes. And no more smoking. Alice. ~Ro more pipes. Captain. And no more perdition. Curtain. EXPLANATION OF THE STAGE DIEECTIONS. R. means first entrance right and right. L., first entrance left and left. S. E.R., second entrance right. S.E.L., second entrance left. T.E.R., third entrance right. T.E.L., third entrance left. FE.R., fourth entrance right. F.E.L., fourth entrance left. U.E.R., upper entrance right. U.E.L., upper en- trance left. R.F., right flat. L.F., left flat. R.C., right of centre. L.C., left of centre. C, centre. CD., centre doors. C.R., centre towards right. C.L., centre towards left. Observing you are supposed to face the audience. Pet Lamb, The. Pint of Ale, A. Poisoned Darkies, The. Portrait Painter, The. Presented at Court. Princess, The. Prison and Palace. Private Inquiry, A. Punch und Judy. Purty Shure Cure, A. Queen Mary. Quite at Home. Kace Ball, The. Ralph Coleman's Reforma- tion. Refinement. Result of a Nap, The. Ringdoves, The. Robin Hood. Rob, The Hermit. Rosebud ; or, The Sleeping Beauty. Rumplestiltskin. Sayings and Doings. School for Scheming. School for Tigers. Sentinel, The. Shamrock. I Shylock, burlesque. Sign of Affection, A. Single Life. Sir Dagubert and the Dragon. Skinflint. Slight Mistake, A. Slighted Treasures. Spelling Match, The. Spitfire, The. Stage-Struck Yankee. Ten Nights in a Bar-Room. There's Millions in it. Those " Cussed " Waves. Thoughts Before Marriage. Three Grocers, The. Three Temptations. Tiger at Large, The. Tipperary Legacy, Tho. Tittlebat a Father. To Let, Furnished. Tootle, Tootle, Too. Too Windy for an Umbrella. Tragedy Transmogrified. Trip to Cambridge, A. Twenty and Forty. Twin Brothers, The. Two Gentlemen ar Mivart's. Uncle Jack. United States Mail. Vermont Wool-Dealer. Village Belle, The. Village Doctor, The. Villikens and Dinah. Virginia Mummy, The. Virtue Victorious. Wanderer's Return, The. Wardrobe. Weak Points. Wearing of the Green, The. Whisky Fiend, The. Who Got The Pig? Who Stole the Spoons T Who's Your Friend] Whv Did You Die? Wicked World, The. Wild Flowers. Wine Cup. The. Woman of the World, The. Woman will be a Woman A. Women's Club, The. Women's Rights. Wreck, The. Wrong Bottle, The. Yankee Peddler, The, THE ETI PIAN DRAMA. Actor and Singer. Aunty Chloe. Black Mail. Black Shoemaker. Black Statue. Bones at a Raffle. Bone Squash. Box and Cox. Camille, burlesque. Challenge Dance. Chris Johnson. Coon Hunt, De. Cooney in de Hollow, Coopers, The. Covsican Twins. Cream ob Tenors, De. Creole Ball, The. Dancing Mad. Darky's Dream, De. Darky Tragedian, De. Dat Same Old Coon. Deaf — In a Horn. Debbil and Dr. Faustum, De. Debbil and de Maiden, De. Desdvmonum. Dixie, our Culler'd Brudder. Don Cato amide Big Bassoon, Elephant on Ice, An Fighting for the Union. Gallus Jake. Ghost of Bone Squash, The. Haunted House, The. PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. Highest Price Paid for Old Clothes. Howls from the Owl Train. Hunk's Wedding Day. Hypochondriac, The. Jolly Millers. Juba. Juhe Hawkins. .Tulianna Johnson. King Cuffee. Les Miserables. Lucinda's Wedding. Magic Penny. The. Maid of de Hunkpuncas, De. Manager in a Fix, A. Mischevious Nigger. Mishaps of Cffisar Crum. Mumbo Jum. Mysterious Stranger. New Year's Calls. Night Wid Brudder Jones, A. Nobody's Son. No Cure, No Pay. Octoroon, De. Oh, Hush! Old Dad's Cabin. Old Gum Game, De. Old Hunks. Old Kentucky Home, De. Oid Uncle Billy. Old Zip Coon. Pete and Ephraim. Pete's Luck. Popsy Dean. Porgy Joe. Possum Fat. Quack Doctor, Tho. Quarrelsome Servants Rival Lovers. Rival Mokes. Robert Make-Airs. Rooms To Let, Without Board. "Rose Dale." Sambo's Return. Scenes at Gurueys. Scipio Africanus. Sham Doctor, The. Sixteen Thousand Yean Ago. Sports on a Lark. Stage-Struck Darky, The. Thieves at the Mill. Three Black-Smiths, Tho. Ticket-Taker, The. Trail ob Blood, De. Trouble Begins at Nine, De. Troublesome Servant. Turkeys in Season. Uncle Jeff. Uncle Tom. Under de Kerosene. Up Head. William Tell. THE AMATEUR'S EASEL; the Art of " »> Or, the Art of leaking Up. 1 Being a Practiacl Guide to beginners in the difficult art of ''Making Up "and " Wigging" the human face and head correctly, embracing all the phases of life and character, from the Ambitious Youth to Decrepid Old Age. WITH SIXTEEN ILLUSTRATIONS. PRICE, 25 CENTS. *#* Any of the above -will be sent by viail on receipt of the price. LIBRARY OF CONGRES A PRACTICAL GUIDI Private T^ earw jM3r^ Giving full and plain directions for Arranging, Decorating and Lighting the Stage, Painting the Scenery, "Making-up" the face and head, preparing the Costumes, Mounting, Rehearsing, and Performing all kinds of Plays To which is added a collection of Okarad.es, Flays, and Tableaux, FOR PRIVATE PERFORMANCE. Price, - - - - 25 Cents. A History of the Stage for One Hundred Years. Chronology of the American Stage, From 1752 to 1852. By praitcis o- "wiE-vr-rss. This work gives a list of all the Actors and Actresses who have appeared npon the American Stage during the above period, the date and place of birth, when and where they made their first appearance, and in what character, and date and place of death of all who are deceased. To which is added a list of all the Theatres bnilt in America, a list of all Theatres destroyed by fire, and the date of their being burned, and a list of the Managers. A copy of the first Play Bill issued in America, a copy of the first Play Bill issuedin New York City. A list of the first Theatrical Company that appeared in America, and a list of the first Company that appeared in New York. A copy of the Bill of the Centennary Festival, of the introduction of the Drama into America, and other valuable and interesting information. F ^ ice., ______ 50 Cents. SHAKESPEARE PROVERBS; Oar*, Tlie Wise Saws o± o-u.:r? "Wisest -Poet. Collected into a modern instance, being nearly 1000 of the wisest and wittiest ol Shakespeare's sayings, gathered into a neat volume, suitable for the pocket By Mart Cowdkn Clarke, author of " Concordance to Shakespeare." 12mo paper. Price 25 Cents. ' Little -Plays for Little -People. A series of Favorite Tales of Childhood, arranged in a dramatic form for Home Performance, School Exhibitions, etc. With full directions as regards management of costumes, scenery, etc., in any parlor, at very little trouble and expense. Price, 30 Cents. pui>tch _a._n-_d j-urjD-yr. A NEW AND ENLARGED EDITION. This is the most complete work on the adventures of Mr. Punch ever pub- lished. Besides his History, it contains an account of his appearance in this country two hundred years ago. It tells How to Build a Punch and Judy Frame, Hovy to Select and Manage the Puppets, How to Use the Squeaker, and full and explicit instructions, so as to enable any person to carry on successfully this very entertaining show, with numerous Dialogues and Illustration*. To which is added a Dialogue for a Pair of Ventriloquial Figures. Price, 25 Cents