ustm j fcyme* LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, - ®m*W 1* — Shelf.lS-3- UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Vapid Vaporings. JUSTIN THYME. * A little folly is a dangerous thing. Drink deep or taste not the Pierian spring. Pope — to a certain extent. NOTRE DAME, IND. : SCHOLASTIC PUBLISHING HOUSE, 1885. 5^°" ^ ^ 4- vtau hv .COPYRIGHT, 1885. \j R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS. PRINTERS. CHICAGO. DEDICATION. TO THE STUDENTS OF NOTRE DAME UNIVERSITY, INDMNA, PAST, PRESENT AND TO COME, THIS LITTLE VOLUME, MAINLY WRITTEN FOR THED3 USE AND BENEFIT, IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED BY ONE OF THEM, WHO CLUTCHETH WILDLY AT THE FORLORN HOPE THAT SUFFICIENT WILL BE REALIZED FROM THE SALE THEREOF TO PAY THE FUNERAL EXPENSES, ON A VERY MODERATE AND UNASSUMING SCALE. OF The Author. CONTENTS. Preface, EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. An Undesired Prefix, - - - - 15 French, .... 17 Poetical License, .... iS The Dude, ------- 22 To the Owl, ------ 25 An Affectionate Warning, - - - - 26 To One who Favors the Phonetic, - - 2S The Victim, - - - - - - 3 1 A Vision of the Court of Charlemagne, - 32 The Song of the Spittoon, - - - - 34 Cumming Threw the Rye, - - - - 40 The Poetry of Modern Improvements, - - 42 Ask Me not Why, ----- 46 CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. Mrs. Blogden's Demand, - - - - 51 The Strawberry Festival, 54 The Lady Anatomist, - - - - - 57 Adipose Tissue, 60 The Gastric Juice, - - - - - 61 The Nervous System, - - - - 63 Music, ------- 65 CONTENTS. RHYMES IN SEASON. The January Thaw, ----- 71 The Groundhog to his Shadow, - - - 73 The Snows of March, ... 74 Now Beginneth the Hot Spell, - - 76 Ode to the Dog-Star, - - - - 77 FURTIVE SNATCHES AT HASH. The Meeting of the Waiters, - - - - 81 Thoughts on Having Sausage for Breakfast, - S2 Pea-Nuts, .---.--83 KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. Recollections of Saguache, - - - 87 The Ballad of the Ferocious Ute and the Crafty Cook, ...----go The Lay of the Cactus, - - - - 92 An Overdone Subject, - - - - - 94 VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. To a Neighboring Editor, ... gg Sordid, .--.... 102 On Receiving Further Obloquy, ... 104 Ulterior Views, ------ 107 Wandering of a Mind, - - - 110 CONTENTS. OTHER THEMES. Cecilian Days, _ , - - - - - -115 Shadows Cast by the Morning Star, - - 11S Vain Regrets, - - - - - - 119 A Study of Feminine Character, ... 121 The Fire in the Printing House, - - - 123 Boys Skating, ------ 126 Written After Dark, ----- 127 THE COMMENTATOR. The Commentator, - - - - - 131 IL CIRIEGIO. Il Ciriegio : An Italian Operetta, ... - 135 PREFACE. Aware of the unpopularity of what is known as "spring poetry," the author has endeavored, in the following attempts at versifi- cation, to reduce his coefficient of elasticity to a minimum. For the same reason, and to avoid giving offence to any large class of his fellow -citizens, he has omitted his campaign ballads, flattering as were the encomiums kindly bestowed upon them at the time of their production. But such occasions as prompted the composition of " Though the Last Glimpse of Tilden with Sorrow I See," " Farewell, Farewell to Thee, Abraham's Daugh- ter," "The Shirt that once through Terror's Hall " and the like, are by their very nature transitory ; and the continuance of the present renewed "Era of Good Feeling" will soon obliterate them from memory. It is hoped that nothing published in this unpretending volume may tend to excite aught but sentiments of the most genial character, and it will then conform to the views of the public's most obedient very humble servant, Justin Thyme. Notre Dame, May i, 1885. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. AN UNDESIRED PREFIX. The decoration of the acrobat, The negro-minstrel's boast, the shoe-black's handle, Claimed by each clown that learns to "skin the cat," Each expert playing games not worth the candle ! Was it for this I burned the midnight oil ? Called aorists my friends, and oft would dally With sines and tangents until what was toil Seemed pleasure ? though Dame Nature, outraged, rally Her rebel forces, led astray by mental application, — Strike me with shattered nerves, As such neglect deserves, And drive me out to take vacation. The title once, indeed, seemed hard to gain, And hence the strain ; But unto him who titles would refuse, 'Tis harder far to lose : In vain I flee to parts unknown, — Debauch my tongue with current slang, — Scarce seven days have o'er me flown Ere some well-meaning friend Some letter or some postal-card will send — l6 VAPID VAPORINGS. May such go hang ! — From the address they cannot doff That odious prefix "Prof." Great Henry Wadsworth, borne on spirit wings From thy long fellowship with earthly things ! In that bright sphere which now thou call'st thine own — Than which Excelsior shall ne'er be known — In that bright sphere, say, do they ape the lesser And outrage spirit ears by calling thee " Professor ? I pause for a reply ; If " aye," Then I Shall hesitate to die ! EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. I 7 FRENCH. On being asked to translate La Fontaine's fable of the " Rat that Retired from the World." Go, read our author in his native tongue ! Melodious French La Fontaine's muse hath sung. Melodious French, whose tones no gutturals mar ; With consonants dropped, avoiding every jar It bids the vulgar throat its aspirates cease, And let the gentle organs speak in peace. By rosy lips and pearly teeth compressed The dainty syllables on tip-tongue hang; Save when the nose descends to help the rest, And give the m or n sonorous twang. Melodious French still more melodious made By sweet La Fontaine, delicate but strong ; In one short word, more pow'r is oft displayed, Than we could find in many a treatise long. How, then, in homely Anglo Saxon speech Should I pretend his subtle depths to reach ? l8 VAPID VAPORINGS. POETICAL LICENSE. A RHAPSODY. [written in accordance with instructions given in bullions' grammars.] " Such are a few of the licenses allowed to poets, but denied to prose writ- ers ; and among other purposes which they obviously serve, they enhance the pleasure of reading poetic composition, by increasing the boundary of sepa- ration set up, especially in our language, between it and common prose." — English Grammar, p. 283. The more the better, then, it would appear. We shall, however, append notes, not only explaining the nature of the license used in each case, but also endeavoring to elucidate the peculiar beauties of the poem. — J. T. I. I had traversed the desert of Sarah, 1 And the end of my journey was near ; It was night in the suburbs of Cairo, My heart had stagnated with fear, For the moon shone disgustingly 2 clear, And the ghost of the daughter of Pharaoh Had thought it correct to appear. N. B. — The numerals refer to the Articles in Bullions' Grammar. 1. Syncope and Synseresis for Saharah (1042). If a difficulty is found in making this word rhyme with " Cairo, ' pronounce each so that it will rhyme with " Pharaoh." They will then be found to rhyme with each other. 2. " Disgustingly" — an unusual term to apply to clear moonlight, but war- ranted by the consideration that if it had not been so bright, the ghost might not have been visible. Observe also how the paralyzing effect of fear is ex- pressed by the irregularity of the lines in the stanza, two of the same kind following in unbroken succession. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 19 Yes ! that distinguished lady of antiquity had thought it not only proper, but under the circumstan- ces, eminently advisable, to appear. 1 II. You know unsuitable fear is For persons to learning inclined ; But in spite of my terrors, a series Suggested itself to my mind, Of facts that I needed, and, "Here is 2 The chance that I wanted to find. III. " Fair princess, although you are scary, 3 I'll venture the discourse to lead ; You have come from your quarters so airy, 4 Which, I'm sure, is a favor indeed ; So now, I beseech you, preparey 6 To answer my questions with speed. 1. And particularly by this long meterless line at the end. Observe, moreover, that it is assumed as certain that a princess of the rank, dignity and virtue of Pharaoh's daughter would certainly not appear without motives alike creditable to her head and heart. This confidence in the lady's judgment shows true gentlemanly feeling. 2. Ellipsis (1044) — supply " I said to myself." 3. This adjective is usually applied to the creature terrified, not to the object of terror. But see 1048, 3. 4. The Egyptian catacombs, from which the princess may be supposed to have come, are by no means airy. Quite the contrary, in fact. Still they might be termed so by way of flattery. 5. Paragoge (1042, 5.) VAPID VAPORINGS. IV. 'By whom were the pyramids grand made? Were they really erected by Chops ? ' And who was Sesostris's handmaid ? And was she not partial to hops? 2 And where are the tracks in the sand made By manna, whenever it drops ? V. " Did you really indite on papyrus Your letters, and pYaps billets-doux ? Do you think the opinion of Cyrus 3 On the Nile's inundations is true? Would the ancient Egyptians admire us If all our improvements they knew ? VI. "Was it Hermes invented the feedle 4 From a tortoise that died of the itches ? 5 i. For Cheops by Syncope (1042, 3). 2. Either by Metonymy for "dances."' or by" Synecdoche for "beer'' (1046, 7,9). I have not made up my mind which I mean. The intelligent reader will supply meaning where required. 3. As Cyrus is not known to have expressed any opinion on the subject, the object of the query is perhaps to test the authenticity of the ghost. 4. The most ancient form of the lyre resembled the guitar or violin. " Fiddle " is made " feedle" by Diastole, for which, and for Systole (note 1 .;, infra), we refer you to Bullions' Latin Grammar (S67, 5, 6). 5. The itch is facetiously known as the " Scotch fiddle " in many places. The plural form is used to express abunda ice. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. And did not Cleopatra's ' needle Take some most tremendous long stitches When, the Roman triumvir to wheedle, She mended Mark Anthony's breeches? VII. " And how is old Pharaoh, your father ? And is he addicted to drinks? * Can he shave — when he shaves — without lather ? And What do you think of the Sphynx ? I believe you're a mummy, the rather That ghosts can express what they thinks." « VIII. " I'm neither a ghost nor a mummy, But one of the boarders at Bill's. Don't stare like a dunce or a dummy Or one that is crazy with chills You are not in Africa, gummy ; 4 But our own little Cairo of Ills. 5 1. "Cleopatra's" must here be pronounced with the accent on the antepenult, the penult being made short by Systole. See note n, supra. 1. This question is familiar, not to say rude. It is evident that all fear of the ghost has departed. The sleeper is about to awaken. 3. " The Rules of Grammar are often violated by the poets." 1048. 4. 4. This may be either an epithet of obloquy applied to the person addressed, or an adjective qualifying Africa, from which continent many valua- ble gums are imported. Or it may have been suggested by the expression " by gum," so often attributed to American citizens of African descent. 5. The popular and legalized abbreviation of the name of the State of Illinois. We claim a patent on having discovered its adaptability to rhyme. It is also intended to hint at the frequent inundations which are the prominent " ills" of Cairo. • VAPID VAPORINGS. THE DUDE. ' A LEGENDARY BALLAD. [In the fantastic mythology of Persia, the " dudes " are a race of mischievous sprites employed by Eblis to lure the peris from paradise. They are punished by being compelled to gulp down molasses and brimstone from the Great Horn Spoon.] I. The dude hath donned his silken socks, And devilled his flaxen hair Till it stands erect, With marked effect To catch the popular stare ; For well he knoweth those radiant locks Impart an aesthetic air. II. He now to his gay gondola comes, And twiddles his light guitar, Prepared to float On the castle moat By the light of the evening star, While snatches of opera tunes he hums Or puffs at a choice cigar. i Written soon after the first discovery of the dude, and before natur- alists became as well acquainted with its habits as at present. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 23 III. " Oh, come and sail in my gilded boat — " Come sail on the moat with me ; "By yon pale moon, " By the Great Horn Spoon, " I swear to be true to thee " The maiden lists to his amorous note, And into the boat steps she. IV. But, alas ! the tide was running high, And the gondolier was drunk ; And the gilded bark With maid and spark Deep under the water sunk, And had it not been for a fisherman nigh, They had slept in an oozy bunk. V. Dishevelled and wet they fished her out ; Dishevelled and wet was he ; And the gondolier Went home to his beer, And got on another spree ; But the dude remarked : " You're damp, no doubt." To which she replied : " I be." 24 VAPID VAPORINGS. VI. Now, ladies all, beware of the dude, When glimmers the young May moon, Nor go with him, Unless you can swim, To sail on the broad lagoon ; And, dudes, remember that many have rued To swear by the Great Horn Spoon. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 25 TO THE OWL. Hail, solemn fowl,. well plumed and stern of eye ! With Pallas in mythology connected, Why were you for a destiny so high Selected ? Was it for vocal melody ? Ah, no ! (You should not try to sing, indeed you ortn't !) ' Was it for beauty ? Nay ; 'twas that you're so Important ! For all that human nature seeks to own, — All that is best in what men see before 'em, — May be summed up in this one word alone : " Decorum ! " Would we were all like you, most sapient bird, Not silly things, as Moraus and his crew are Would we were all as pompous and absurd As you are ! 1 The kind indulgence of the reader is respectfully requested on the occa- sion of the unwonted intrusion of the letter "r " into this word. There was no alternative, except to drop the "r" in '"important," a step whose dudicity should cause us all to hesitate. 26 VAPID VAPORINGS. AN AFFECTIONATE WARNING. " Soyons poetiques, mes enfants, meme au milieu deSennuis impitoyables de cette vie monotone.' — Mine, de la Rochefoucauld. Air : — " Call Me Pel Names, Dearest!" Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass ! Stray not from orthodox paths as you pass ; Let the bright verdure untrampled remain, Clothing the dry arenaceous plain. Manifold checks its exuberance grieve, Sunburn and frostbite it needs must receive ; Add not your mite 1 to its woe, then, alas ! Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass ! Blacksmiths have aprons to keep off the sparks, Swimmers torpedoes 2 to keep off the sharks ; Parasols keep off the hot solar beams, Stouter umbrellas the pluvial streams ; People who dwell 'mid malarial ills i Your mite of a foot, darling ! Your sweet itty tootsiewootsie. 2. Not as yet, possibly. But this poem is written for posterity, and who knows but in the rapid march of modern improvements some invention of this description may not mitigate the terrors of the vasty deep. P. S. — On second thoughts, perhaps it may be as well to acknowledge, frankly, that the rhyme was the chief, if not the only raison d'etre of this charming little line. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 27 Always have something 1 to keep off the chills, Why not belong to a numerous 2 class ? Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass I 3 1. Quinine, of course. What else would they have ? 2. The words "and influential " are omitted by poetical license for the sake of the metre. 3. After this touching appeal, if any heartless wretch should be found on the grass, he must indeed be fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils. 28 VAPID VAPORINGS. TO ONE WHO FAVORS THE PHONETIC. You sing with delight the amendment in store. For ills that orthography vex ; Saying : " Why should q cumber the alphabet more, Or Algebra boast of an x ? " Of the o-u-g-h, that embarrassing form, Your system would banish the trace ; And to you will the heart of the foreigner warm, If your vaunted improvement take place. But think of the sweet recollections entwined With letters in infancy learned — Blest age when a marvel acceptance could find And souls for the wonderful yearned. When fair Cinderella and truculent Jack, Of Giants the bane, were believed The k that begins knuckle, knowledge and knack Was with perfect composure received. And later in life our attachments increase As thought in its symbol we view ; By phthisic distressed, with a comfort one sees Distresses in spelling it too. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 29 The pursing of lips when in debt or in doubt Our mental perplexity shows, And the b, though u fluttered, is felt, when about Our care to a friend to disclose. Mark the undertone faint of the ;/ in our hymn, Suggestive, though deaf to the ear, Of echoes angelic that fill to the brim With joy the celestial sphere — But you would this heavenly chorus suppress — Oh ! where are your feelings of shame ? — And make it a pronoun, objective — no less — Which Tom, Dick or Harry might claim. The eminent physicist shrinks in dismay, As a fizzisist doomed to appear, Whose least reprehensible hint will convey An aroma of pop or root-beer. And soon will the apophthegm cease to impress. Bereft of its literal plumes ; For wisdom itself in a commonplace dress A commonplace value assumes. Think, too, what a rigid result you will find Pronouncing, to spelling when pinned ; For the zephyr that blows is in poetry wind, Though in prose we reduce it to wind. 3° VAPID VAPORINGS. And many a word unremembered, no doubt, The same incongruity shows, Where we, like the French, make a syllable out Of the e that is silent in prose. 'Tis mute, but without it, the infinite brought To an end most abrupt we deplore, As we smother a sigh with the h at the thought Of hours to be ours evermore. Ye fields over which ideality ranged, Green pastures of fancy, farewell ! Where notions for words were so aptly exchanged- Rash man ! you have broken the spell. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. THE VICTIM. He stood alone ! Alone he stood upon the deep sea shore, Around him waves reverberating roar With never ending moan ; And wild winds bluster as they did of yore, In ages that have flown ! And yet no bone — No bone of fierce contention ever tore Him from the threshold of his father's door Or made him helpless groan. And yet his brow a shadow brooded o'er — Why standeth he alone ? Was it some crone? — Some aged crone he met upon the moor, That prophesied of ill, and clouds in store, And turned him into stone ? Or was 't a raven flecked with human gore That shrieked a warning tone ? Nay, it was shown He hither fled escaping from a bore, An album fiend demanding verse galore, Who called him " drone," And cavilled at his privilege to soar — His literary throne. VAPID VAPORINGS. A VISION OF THE COURT OF CHARLE- MAGNE. One morn a Peri at the gate Of Eden failed to punctuate. — Mure. I. In his court King Charles was standing on his head a golden crown And his royal brow was wrinkled in a most portentous frown II. Fifty courtiers entered walking on their hands were jewels bright Set in rings of gold and silver what a rare and splen- did sight III. Four and twenty noble ladies proud and fair and ten feet long Were the trains that flowed behind them borne by pages stout and strong EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 33 IV. In a bow 'r of fragrant roses the musicians now com- pete Blowing trumpets with their noses they inhale the fragrance sweet V. See the Queen how sad and tearful as the King cuts off her head One bright tress of hair at parting and she wishes she were dead 34 VAPID VAPORINGS. THE SONG OF THE SPITTOON. Morphin. — Je revais des plaisirs celestes. J'dtais en haut de l'Olympe, avecjupiter et les autres. Je brillais d'une splendeur divine. Je buvais du nectar. J'^tais heureux ! Oh ciel ! Mais tout s'en est passe\ Ce n'dtait que mon songe. Argan. — Ah ! oui ! vraiment ! C'^tait mensonge. ■ — Le Reveur Malgre Lici. [In the following lyric, the Italian musical terras are used to give an idea of the style of performance which has been found most effective in each stanza. The aria is that which came into vogue in the summer of 1875, with the then popular song, " Perhaps She's on the Railway."] I. — Andante Grazioso. Once, as old Homer tells us, the Olympic Gods came down To sojourn with the Ethiops, then blameless 1 in re- nown ; And the latter in their gratitude, or else to have a joke, Taught their celestial visitants tobacco for to smoke. Chorus (Spirititoso) after each stanza : Perhaps it was by accident, perhaps 't was by design, But whether which or t' other it is no concern of mine ; For no matter how it started, we appreciate the boon Conferred by great Minerva, in inventing [sforzando] the spittoon. 1 Iliad, Book I, verses 423-424. EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 35 II. — Coil fit OCO. The gods were all delighted ; no nectar pleased like this, And e'en the gentle goddesses were fain to share the bliss ; From the dewy hours of morning to the glimpses of the moon, Old Olympus had a redolence like that of a saloon. Ml.— Moderate. Juno, of course, in public, to smoke would not be seen, But she slipped into the kitchen and she smoked behind a screen ; And Ceres, though for Proserpine she could not weep enough, Yet found a consolation in the intervening puff. IV. — Scherzando. Diana tried to stint herself to three cigars a day ; But Venus found it easier to cast restraint away, And people for a season were exempt from amorous sweats, For she kept the infant Cupid twisting up her cigar- ettes. V. — Un poco piu piano. Vesta, you know, had always smoked 1 from golden days of yore, 1 Vesta is the personification of the domestic hearth. 36 VAPID VAPORINGS. And she wondered how the others had not found it out before ; The Furies smoked like fury, and the Fates did not forfend, While the Muses and the Graces in the general move- ment blend. VL — Adagio. But the azure-eyed Minerva with severely virtuous scorn, Viewed the shocking bad example set to millions yet unborn ; She sniffed the smoky atmosphere with much offended nose, And when they spit upon the floor how high her choler 1 rose ! VII. — Sostenuto. Now the floor of heaven is brass below and overlaid with gold, Inwrought with many a jewel, as by poets we are told 2 ; 1 When the collar rises high it is ruff. 2 '0 oupavuq yaXxouq iryri ra\ k'quj. T-epjSdvTC 3k xai im too vwrou yzvop-lvu) (fiijq Ti XafinpoTspov (paiverat, xai rjXioq y.a>h).t>d)7spoq xa\ aarpa diauyiffrspa^ xai ypuGotiv to 3a7:ed