?^ 
 
 ;Z- 
 
 V \ THE 
 
 mm !llan Mmt Coiun; 
 
 A COMEDY 
 
 IN TUUEK A(rrs. 
 
 
 Kat, S[ifHk, mid move under the iiilliieiice of tlic ino.sl received star; and llioiiuli ilii- 
 
 dtwil Ifftd the measure, such are to be foUowed. — Shakespkauv:. H r. 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 ^^e 
 
THE 
 
 YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. 
 
 A COMEDY, 
 
 IN THREE ACTS 
 
 •5'^ 
 
 Eat, speak, and move, under the influence of the most received star; and though 
 the devil lead the measure, such are to be followed. — Shakespeare. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 1854. 
 
.^^ 
 
 
 r.v 
 
 i 
 
 Entered accordinir to Act of Congress, in the Yeaj' One Thousand Eight Hundred f 
 
 and Fifty-four, by LUCIE X B. CHASE, in the Clerk's Office of the District 
 Court of the "United States, for the Southern District of New Yorl?. 
 
CHARACTERS. 
 
 Thomas Drayton, an elderly gentleman, who pronounces 
 
 French words as if they were English. 
 NicoDEMus Straitjacket, a modern philanthropist. 
 Arthur Townley. 
 Phelim McElinnigin. 
 Truman Smelts, a policeman 
 
 E. Frederick Bombast, a young man about town. 
 Mr. Wilson. 
 Mr. Bradshaw. 
 Officer. 
 
 Virginia Drayton. 
 Araminta Sensitive. 
 Henrietta Maria Flukins. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Mr. Drayton^ an unsuccessful attempt at fashion. 
 
 Mr. Straitjacket, clerically. 
 
 Mr. Townley, fashionably. 
 
 Mr. Smelts, like a raw Yankee. 
 
 Mr. McFlintiigin, like a green Irishman. 
 
 Mr. Bombast, short tail frock coat, wide sleeves, plaid panta- 
 loons, striped with only two different colors, collar turned 
 down, buff kid gloves, watch-chain with an abundance of 
 charms, and a small gold-headed rattan cane. 
 
 Miss Drayton, faultlessly. 
 Miss Sensitive, too gaudily. 
 Miss Flukins, in good taste. 
 
 EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 
 
 R. means Right ; L., Left; R. D., Right Door ; L. D., 
 Left Door ; B.K., Seco7idLJnirance ; U. E., Upper Entrance ; 
 M. D., Middle Door. 
 
 RELATIVE POSITIONS. 
 
 R. means Right; L., Left; C, Centre; R. C, Right of 
 Centre ; L. C, Left of Centre. 
 
THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene I. — A drawing room. At the rising of the curtain 
 are discovered Thomas Drayton and E. Frederick Bom- 
 bast. 
 
 Drayton. As you wor saying, my worthy young friend, as 
 long as Paris continuoze to be the de pot (pronounces French 
 words as if they were English) fur intelligence and refinement, 
 one must halve a thorough and superficial knowledge of 
 French. 
 
 Bombast. Unquestionably ; and I hope you will allow me 
 to congratulate you upon your pronunciation of that charming 
 language ; it is almost as correct as your faultless English. 
 
 Drayton. Well, I allers did tell my ole ooman that I spoke 
 my Anglo Saxon jist as pure as the best on 'em. Don't you 
 think it kinder helps one to splavicate them French jawbreak- 
 ers? 
 
 Bombast. Certainly. 
 
 Drayton. So I told Virginny when she said I was a tekin 
 up too much of your time a learning of me French. Says I, 
 1 would not be guilty of sich a fox pass, as to ask him to do 
 it, if it wernt for the versatility of my Saxon tongue. 
 
 Bombast. You have many reasons to be gratified, my dear 
 sir, for you are eminently qualified for scholastic distinctions, 
 by the peculiarity of your idiosyncrasy. 
 
 Drayton. What 1 
 
 Bombast. The peculiarity of your idiosyncrasy. 
 
 Drayton. I would have you to understand that I am neither 
 an idiot, or crazy I 
 
 Bombast. Pardon me for using an ofiensive word. By 
 idiosyncrasy I referred to the peculiarity of your temperament, 
 
6 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT I. 
 
 not to your moral perceptions, or the solidity of your judg- 
 ment. 
 
 Drayton. I accept the amen honorabble in the same esprit 
 with Avhich it is given. Say no more ; I am satisfied. And 
 now what is the prospect of gittiug me up a peg in fashiona- 
 ble society ? 
 
 Bombast. Admirable. In my travels about town, I am 
 paving the way for you, with all my skill and ability. But 
 when am I to receive the hand of your daughter 1 
 
 Drayt07i. Soon, very soon. Virginny has almost completed 
 her education. Don't be impatient ; you must wait with 
 graceful sang froid. 
 
 Bombast. But I am beginning to doubt whether I have won 
 her affections ; she is constantly with Arthur Townley. 
 
 Drayton. Gals will have two strings to their bows ; it is 
 what they call a duhble entender. Any lessons for me this 
 morning ? 
 
 Bombast, Yes ; you did not applaud Salvi long enough last 
 night at the opera to attract general attention. 
 
 Drayton- By jingo, I did it long enough to make the Lin- 
 tons bust with envy, for they kept snickering to conceal it, 
 while I was shouting en\.Q\Q. and bray\o. But upon that sub- 
 ject, nous0 verrons. 
 
 Bombast' But I am not so confident of winning your 
 daughter's hand, for Townley 
 
 Drayton. Let me tell you, Internos, when Virginny hears 
 my French, the thing will be settled. I wish she and Town- 
 ley were onjy here now. [Enter Toivnley and Virginia, 
 M. D., pnspefi by Drayton and Bombast.^ I would go through 
 my lessons with as much nons/z-a/lence and sang froid as if I 
 had parley voused fransy all my life. 
 
 Bmnbast. She would undoubtedly be surprised at your pro- 
 ficiency, as much as she would admire my fidelity as a tutor. 
 
 [ Virginia advances ; Bombast starts to his feet much 
 confused \ 
 
 Virginia. You have expressed my thoughts correctly, Mr. 
 Bombast, for his proficiency and your fidelity are alike worthy 
 of admiration, and only have a parallel in your honesty and 
 his credulity. 
 
 Bombast. [Aside.] Exposed, by Jupiter I [Aloud.] I trust 
 you will — that is to say — I — 
 
 Virginia. Good morni^ig, Mr. Bombast. 
 
Scene I.] the young man about ti-wx. 7 
 
 Drayton. Stop, Bombast, my boy ; I'll eat a tater if we 
 are goiri' to be bluffed in this way. 
 
 Bombast. Another time, my dear sir. Good morning, Miss 
 Virginia. 
 
 Drayton. Til go too, then. [^5i(ie.] It is strange how 
 these gals can manage us as soon as they take off their panta- 
 letts. [Aloud and dramatically.] You shall hear irom me. 
 Miss Virginny. Look too't. Nouse verrons ! nouse verrons ! 
 
 [Exit Bombast and Drayton, l. d. 
 
 Toicnley. I hope you are now satisfied, dear Virginia, that 
 a union between yourself and Mr. Bombast is impossible. 
 
 Virginia. I have known that a long time. 
 
 Toumley. Will you not then reward the adoration which I 
 have long lelt for you ? If you knew how often my thoughts 
 have dwelt upon your person ; with what fondness memory 
 has lingered upon the few words of encouragement that have 
 fallen irom your lips ; with what anguish I have heard the 
 thoughtless taunt, or cutting sarcasm, I am sure, I am very 
 sure you would spread a halo of joy around the existence of 
 one whose pathway has rarely been illumined by rays from 
 the light-house of hope. 
 
 Virginia. Men call you unstable of purpose ; fickle, if not 
 reckless. 
 
 Toicnley. Thrown upon the world, by the death of my pa- 
 rents, while I was yet a child, with no one to instil the pre- 
 cepts of morality into my youthful mind, I was left to battle 
 with temptations that, hovering upon the footsteps of youth 
 who are surrounded by watchful relatives, often prove irresist- 
 ible. My brief career has been checkered by errors, perhaps 
 by follies ; but, never by depravity I 
 
 Virginia. But if, in that mental conformation, which is so 
 difficult to analyze, there should be some unimaginable prin- 
 ciple, undeveloped now, only to burst forth hereafter, to change 
 your nature, and transform the affectionate husband into a 
 fiend incarnate I 
 
 Toivnly. I could never wander from the presence of one 
 so pure and lovely, into the paths of immorality. You will 
 become my load-star, ever conducting me to new fields of use- 
 fulness and honor ; my gentle mentor, always inciting me to 
 deeds of virtue and benevolence. Reject me, and there is 
 nothing to hope for, to live for. Precipitated into the vortex 
 of human existence, from the elevation to which you have 
 
8 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT I. 
 
 raised me, I shall become a heart-broken wanderer, with no 
 purposes save those which arie shaped by an aimless life, and 
 prompted by despair. 
 
 [■Enter Drayton m. d. tmseen by Totunley and Virginia.'] 
 Virginia. Dear Arthur, the man who receives the guard- 
 ianship of a maiden's love, is intrusted with that which should 
 not be lightly assumed. It is not a bauble to be toyed with 
 to-day and cast aside to-morrow. It is the richest, holiest 
 oflering of the heart, and bears with it the happiness of an 
 immortal being. May you cherish the love which I now sur- 
 render to your keeping. Setting obstacles and remonstrances 
 at defiance, I am wholly and forever yours. 
 
 Toivnlei/. Dear, dear Virginia, a life of unfaltering devo- 
 tion shall illustrate my gratitude. 
 
 [Encircles her tcaist ivith his arm. and kisses her.^ 
 Draytoji. Great hevings I what a Ibx pass ! 
 
 Scene II. — A room, in ivhich are seen Miss Sensitive, and 
 Miss Flukins. 
 
 Miss Se?2sitive. I thank you for calling this morning, for I 
 am dreadfully low-spirited. I have merely existed since my 
 return from Europe. 
 
 Miss Flukins. How could it be otherwise, after witnessing 
 the brilliant receptions and balls of London and Paris I 
 
 Miss Se?isitive. One meets so many untitled and vulgar 
 people, in America I 
 
 Miss Flukins. Nothing to dress for. 
 
 Miss Seiisitive. Never thrilled by a glance from royalty. 
 
 Miss Flukins. No hope of being brought in contact with 
 the nobility. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. I never related to you the charming inci- 
 dent which occurred at the last party given by the American 
 Ambassador. As I was advancing to the centre of the room, 
 for the purpose of exhibiting my splendid dress and diamonds 
 to the best advantage, a distingue looking young man trod 
 upon my foot. He instantly apologized, with the blandness 
 of a courtier. Heavens I what ecstatic delight thrilled my 
 fi-ame I Reflect, for a moment. The young and gallant Lord 
 Percy, a descendent of the renowned Earl of Northumberland, 
 had graciously condescended to press my toes I [Wliss Sensi- 
 tive fans herself violently.] 
 
Scene II.] the young man about town. 9 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Servant. Mr, Nicodemus Straitjacket desires to know if 
 Miss Sensitive is at home ? 
 
 Miss Sefisitive. Am I, Henrietta Maria ? 
 
 Miss Flukins. Yes, for my sake. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. I am at home I \Exit Servant, l. d.] 
 He is a beau of yours, then ? 
 
 Miss Flvkins. Not an accepted one, as long as I have ex- 
 pectations of winning Dr. Belton. 
 
 Enter Mr. Straitjacket, tvho bows with sanctimonious 
 
 gravity. 
 
 Straitjacket. [In a 'puritanical tone.] The honor of meet- 
 ing two such accomplished and philanthropical ladies at one 
 time, is rarely conferred upon me in this vale of tears. 
 [Aside.] Too lovely Henrietta Maria ! 
 
 Miss Sensitive. You are too kind, Mr. Straitjacket. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Your language is too flattering. 
 
 Straitjacket. Yerily, truth is not flattery, and the conscien- 
 tious man uttereth it at all times. 
 
 Miss Se?tsitive. How do you succeed in raising money for 
 the edification of the Heathen ? 
 
 Straitjacket. The charitable work prospereth ; yea I mar- 
 velously. But it would succeed in a ten-fold degree, if our 
 fashionable circles would more generally follow the example 
 of their brightest ornaments. [Botes proj'ouiiclly to the la- 
 dies.] 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Now really, Mr. Straitjacket, you so com- 
 pletely overpow^er me, that I must beg your acceptance of 
 this small sum. 
 
 Straitjacket. Twenty dollars I Verily, the charitable are 
 not sufiered to go unrewarded, even in this world. Their 
 names, with the sums contributed, will be published next 
 week in the Banner of Peace. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Is it possible I Let me increase my oflering 
 to one hundred dollars I 
 
 Straitjacket. Miracles will never cease. But your ofler- 
 ing is like bread cast upon the waters, for it will return after 
 many days. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Please accept all the money I have with 
 me this morning. 
 
 Straitjacket. Yah I It is a beautiful sight to see the young 
 and lovely ministering to the wants of the benighted Snegregs. 
 
 1* 
 
10 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWNi AcT I. 
 
 [Aside.] Oh ! that I may have the disposal of all your efiects ! 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Servant. Mr. Townley I 
 
 Toivnley. Ladies, I am glad to see you. Mr. Straitjacket, 
 your obedient servant. Do not let me interrupt the conversa- 
 tion. 
 
 Straitjacket. "We are adopting ihe most feasible plan to 
 emancipate pagan idolatry from its awful condition. 
 
 Toivnley. Indeed I and you find it impossible to accomplish 
 that object without the aid of money I [Mr. Straitjacket 
 hoivs\ I thought so. Did it ever occur to yonr philanthro- 
 pic mind, that religious propagandists are quite as anxious to 
 get into the palms of their hands, that which they denounce 
 as the root of all evil, as the most avaricious sinner on 'change ? 
 
 Straitjacket. It is our duty to raise funds for the use of 
 those christian warriors, who are battling against the powers 
 of darkness, upon the soil of the heathen ; yea I upon the soil 
 of the benighted Snegregs. 
 
 Toivnley. If your sensibilities urge you so powerfully to en- 
 gage in the cause of the Snegregs, why do you not curtail 
 your personal expenses, instead of embarking in the avoca- 
 tion of a public pauper ? It seems, however, that nothing 
 but purple and fine linen will suffice for your raiment. Look 
 at the texture of your coat ! [ While ascertaining its quali- 
 ty, Townley pinches the arm of Straitjacket, who writhes 
 with j)ai7i.] 
 
 Straitjacket. [Rubbing his arm^ I will thank you to be 
 less pointed in the gratification of your curiosity. 
 
 Toivnley. I presume your pants were cut liom the same 
 costly material. [Leans forward to feel them — Straitjacket 
 recoils.] Now, sir, how many of the apostles were clothed 
 in such apparel ? Upon what occasion did our Saviour declare 
 that a carriage lined wdth silk brocatelle, was indispensable ? 
 In which of his sermons did he assert that churches with 
 marble fronts, were necessary for christians to worship in ? 
 At what period in his career did he listen unmoved to the 
 wailings of despair, that he might win notoriety by an osten- 
 tatious bestowal of alms upon distant objects ? Mr. Strait- 
 jacket I Mr. Straitjacket I I can say of thee, as Burns said to 
 Tarn O'Shanter : 
 
 " Ah, Straight I ah, Straight I thou'lt get thy farin ! 
 In hell they'll roast thee like a herin I" 
 
Scene III.] the young man about town. 11 
 
 ^traitjacket. [Starts to his feet.] Scoffer and reviler, 
 avaunt I Farewell, ladies. The pagan shall remember you 
 in his prayers. 
 
 Toivnley. So you did manage to Jeremy diddle them I 
 ^traitjacket. [Fiercely?^ Jeremy diddle I Oh, that I should 
 ever he accused of Jeremy diddling a female I 
 
 \Fxit Straitjacket, l. d. — Scejte changes.'] 
 
 Scene III. — A street in which are discovered Townley and 
 McFlinnigan. 
 
 Townley. Phelim, what makes you always so cheerful ? 
 
 Fheliin. Och I plinty to ate and no care, I belave. 
 
 Toivnley. But suppose you did not have plenty to eat, 
 Phelim? 
 
 Phelim. I'd be the better plazed whin the timporary re- 
 striction was removed, and the supply became aquail to the 
 demand, as Mr. Nixon said, t'other day, to the independent 
 fray men. 
 
 Townley. How is that? 
 
 Phelim. Mr. Nixon was a candidate for mimber of the 
 legislature, and so he made a spache to the fraymen — Yez say 
 they call them fraymen, bekaze they fall upon each other to 
 bate knowledge into each others' heads, wid shillalaghs — and 
 he towld thim a heavy duty must be laid on foreign importa- 
 tions, so as to kape thim out of our markets. Bad luck to 
 his strange words, I didn't know what heavy duty meant, 
 and so I axed a stout bit of a lad, who was a very intilligent 
 fraymen, for his scalp was cut in siveral places. He said I 
 must ha' coomed from the koonty Clare, which he towld me 
 was the greenest koonty of the Green Isle. " Not know what 
 heavy duty manes," he cried ; " why that manes to attach 
 something so weighty to the importations that they sink into 
 the depths of the ocean, and don't land at all, at all." 
 
 Toumley. What else did Mr. Nixon say ? 
 
 Phelim. He towld us — for havin' obtained the valuable bit 
 of information about the heavy duty, I considered meself a 
 fraymen in embree — that a heavy duty would exclude — sink 
 thim, mind ye — sugar and salt, and thin the supply would be 
 less than the demand, which would make the price of thim 
 articles very high. At that moment some divil said if it was 
 to incrase the price of sugar and salt, thin he lor one was 
 
12 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT I. 
 
 ferncnst heavy duties. But Mr. Nixon towld him, if sugar and 
 salt did become dearer, thimes as had sugar and salt to sell 
 would be plazed, and thim as had to buy, would hiv sich ex- 
 cillint appetites ba rason of the scarcity of the article, that 
 they would relish amazin'ly, what they did git to ate. An' 
 I exclaimed, begorra I his honor is an illigent spaker. The 
 gintleman smiled, but the frayman wid the cut head thumped 
 me in the ribs, and towld me not to spake agin, untwil I was 
 axed. 
 
 Townley. Ha ! ha ! ha I a very intelligent legislator, 
 truly I [Exit Toivnley. r. d. 
 
 [Enter Truman Sonelts. l. d.] 
 
 Phelim. Och I Mr. Smelts, it's mesel that is glad to see yez 
 this blissid mornin 
 
 Smelts. I calkerlate I am enebout as glad to see yeou. 
 
 Phelim. Batein' yer rounds, and sorry there's nothin' else 
 to ba'te, ain't yez? 
 
 [ Townley rushes ifpon the stage^^ 
 
 Toivnley. Police I police I There are three men assaulting 
 a lemale in the next street. 
 
 Smelts. And how the devil am I to tell whether they vote 
 our ticket or no. 
 
 Toivnley. My God ! has it come to this, that official duties 
 are controlled by party politics ? It is time, then, for the 
 population to arm and defend themselves against the burglar 
 and assassin. [Shrieks are heard.] Phelim, to the rescue I 
 
 Phelim. Begorra it's mesel wdll do that same, fur I know 
 yez do not carry two faces under one hat. Whoop I 
 
 [ Exit Toivnley and Phelim. 
 
 Smelts. I should jist like tew know if them three men hain't 
 three votes ? and has the female ary vote ? and dooze he cal- 
 culate that Truman Smelts is going to interfere in elections by 
 offending independent voters ? 
 
 [Exit Smelts. — Sce?ie changes.] 
 
 Scene IV. — A ivood at night — Are seen Bombast and two 
 men. 
 
 Bombast, [sternly] What detained you so long, Wilson % 
 Wilson. I started on my return as soon as I ascertained 
 when Miss Drayton will leave Manhattanville for the city. 
 Bombast. Well? 
 
Scene IV.] the young man about town. 13 
 
 Wilson. She starts at eight. 
 
 Bombast. Alone ? 
 
 Wilson. No, another lady accompanies her. 
 
 Bombast. May the foul fiend seize her I What is to be 
 done ? 1 would have taken Virginia by force, but two ? — 
 
 Wilson. Nab them both. No harm will come of it. 
 
 Bombast. It is very easy to say that ; but the risk ! the 
 risk ! My hot-headed countrymen think it a chivalrous act to 
 revenge an insult offered to a lady. 
 
 Wilso?z. Not if the lady forgives, as she certainly will do, 
 when she ascertains that your object is to marry her. Many 
 of them like bold measures. 
 
 Bwnbast. I'll do it, if perdition seizes me. 
 
 Wilson. Then return to the cottage and we will convey 
 the ladies there. {Exit Bombast. 
 
 \Wilson and his compa7iion conceal themselves by the road- 
 side.^ 
 
 Wilson. Is not that a carriage 1 
 
 Broiim. No. 
 
 Wilson. Hist I I tell you it is, and coming this way. \A 
 crash is heard and then a lady shrieks.^ Our prize, by 
 St. Paul ! 
 
 \Enter ttco ladies veiled, m. d.] 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Is it not unfortunate that our carriage 
 should break down in such a dreary place ? 
 
 Miss Flukins. And there have been so many robberies 
 committed recently. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Don't ; you frighten me. How foolish I 
 was to send Thomas for another carriage. 
 [ Wilson and his comipanion spring from their place of con- 
 ceahnent ; the ladies shriek.] 
 
 Wilson. Silence ! on the peril of your lives. Here, Brown, 
 conduct this one to the cottage. 
 
 [E.nt Broivn and Miss Flukins. 
 Madam, \to Miss Sensitive.] you will come with me. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. I tvill speak ; what means this violence 1 
 
 Wilson. The old story — violent love — opposition — frenzy — 
 and all that sort of thing. Come ! 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [Fla?iting herself against a tree.] I 
 shan't budge a single inch. You needn't think you have got 
 a whimpering school-girl to deal with. I am nothing of the 
 
14 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT I. 
 
 sort. There is, perhaps, as Uttle give to me as any other one 
 hundred and sixty pounds that walks this earth. 
 
 Wilson. You may as well come along quietly, for come 
 along you must, if I have to carry you. Your dress might 
 then be crumpled, and Mr. Bombast is not the man to be 
 pleased with a soiled frock. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [J;?, an agitated voice.~\ Did you say Bom- 
 bast? E. Frederick Bombast? 
 
 Wilson. Yes. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. \^Asicle.^ Peace, fluttering heart I \^Aloud.^ 
 Why did he resort to this violence 1 
 
 Wilson. Perhaps it suited his mood ; perhaps it was neces- 
 sary, though you ought to know best as to that. 
 
 Miss Sc?isitive. And you are determined to carry me, if I 
 refuse to walk ? 
 
 Wilson. Certainly ; although I think it will test my 
 strength. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Then I might as well go voluntarily. 
 [^i5^c/e.] Romantic afiection I thrilling incident I abducted by 
 one of the aristocracy I [^Scene changes. 
 
 Scene V. — A parlor in which is seen Bombast. 
 
 [Enter Wilson and Miss Sensitive; the latter closely 
 
 veiled, r. d.] 
 
 Bombast. Wilson, a thousand thanks. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [Aside.] What devotion ! w^hat anxiety I 
 Bombast. I hope, dear lady, you will attribute this appa- 
 rent rudeness to the love with which you have inspired me. 
 
 Aside.] Egad I the girl loves, and therefore forgives me. 
 
 Miss Se?tsitive leans heavily on his arm.] Let this be a 
 pledge of my happiness and adoration. [Kisses her pjcission- 
 ately] Look up, dearest, I shall die if the radiance of those 
 orbs is longer concealed by this envious veil. [Miss Sensitive 
 sobs hysterically, but still clings to his person.] Nay, lovely, 
 but cruel maiden, why drive me to despair ] Existence can- 
 not be borne without thee. [Miss Se?isitive raises her head, 
 lifts her veil, and discloses a cou7itenunce horribly distorted 
 by the struggle betiveen iveeping and smiling — Bombast 
 starts back aghast.] Hell and damnation ! what devil sent 
 you here ? 
 
Scene V ] the young man about town. 15 
 
 3Tiss Sensitive. What language, dear E. Frederick, to ad- 
 dress to your affianced bride. 
 
 Bombast. You ? \^Rings the bell furiously. — Enter 
 Wilson, c. D.] Have you studied my taste to so little purpose 
 as to think I could desire the presence of that old woman ? 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [ Furiously .^ Old woman indeed ! I will 
 have you to know, sir, that your language is impertinent, sir ; 
 infamous, sir. 
 
 Bombast. [Tb Wilsoii.^ Conduct the other lady hither. 
 YExit Wilson, and returns icith Miss Flukins.] Ladies, 
 you doubtless wish to return to the city. I hope you will con- 
 sider what has occurred to-night, as nothing but an amusing 
 adventure. 
 
 Miss Sensitive Yes, very amusing, truly I 
 
 Bombast. My horse is at your service. Miss Flukins. \To 
 Wilson.^ Are there any more four-footed animals here, Wil- 
 son ? 
 
 Wilson. Nothing but a donkey. 
 
 Bombast. Bring him to the door. \^Exit WilsonJ\ I regret 
 sincerely. Miss Sensitive, that we have not an animal of more 
 lofty proportions to bear you to the city. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. \^Indignanthj.^ And you expect ine, 
 Araminta Sensitive, a lady who mingles with the most exclu- 
 sive of New York fashionables, to return to the scene of her 
 triumphs on the back of a jackass I 
 
 Bombast. Do not become so much excited. One of that 
 time-honored species bore into Jerusalem him who spake as 
 never man spake. 
 
 Miss Sensitii-e. To be thus insulted — outraged — and that, 
 too, by one of the aristocracy I 
 
 Wilson. yProni icithout.^ Animals read)^ 
 
 Bombast. Come, Miss Sensitive, this is not a time for hesi- 
 tation. If you will not walk I must carry you to the beast. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. \^Tartly.^ I can see no diflerence in the 
 mode of conveyance, for both animals belong to the same 
 species. 
 
 Wilson. Ha ! ha ! ha I ^Bombast is furious.^ Here 
 comes their coachman with a hack. 
 
 \^They all look to the r. d. and the curtain falls. 
 
 END OF ACT FIRST, 
 
10 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT II. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Scene I. — A roojn, in ivliich are seen Strattjacket and 
 
 TOWNLEY. 
 
 ^traitjacket. It is a matter of very little moment, in this 
 densely inhabited globe of ours, where a solitary individual is 
 like unto a grain of sand upon the sea-shore ; for one hundred 
 years will not have elapsed, before all who now live, will be 
 swept away, by that terrible leveller — death ! 
 
 Toivnley. That is some consolation for poor people, Mr. 
 Straitjacket, as there will be very few of the distinctions of 
 society in the grave. It is true the rich may erect tombs, of 
 the purest marble, that will, for a greater or less number of 
 years, shut out the worms that are not to the body born ; yet 
 the inherent corruption of the human frame, will ultimately 
 destroy the limbs we are so chary of One by one they will 
 rot away ; the disgusting gangrene wdll fasten upon the lov- 
 liest cheek, festering decay will riot upon the fairest bosoms, 
 loathsome worms will crawl through sockets which once 
 sparkled with biauty, and teeth, that coral lips were wont 
 to reveal, will grin a ghastly and perpetual smile, at the trium- 
 phant revelry of corruption. This no tomb can prevent. I 
 believe you are now building one with more than ordinary 
 care, Mr. Straitjacket? 
 
 Wlr. Straitjacket. Your thoughts run upon horrible subjects 
 this morning, Mr. Townley. Can't you let me postpone my 
 death, until the dreadful hour comes ? 
 
 Toivnley. The preachers say it is not discreet to do so ; 
 probably you know best, whether they are right or wrong ; 
 only the costliest tomb won't keep the worms from eating you 
 up, as well as the body of Jem Shoclocks. I don't know if 
 they won't prefer a rich man, because his flesh must be ten- 
 derer, than one whose sinews have been indurated by hard 
 labor. 
 
 Mr. Straitjacket. {Nervously.^ That will do, if you 
 please. 
 
 Toivnley. At ail events, it will be the same in the end, 
 for I presume, unless the millennium makes its appearance in 
 less than a century, very nearly all of mortality that remains 
 pf the rich and poor, who now live, will be soulless clay I 
 
Scene I.] the young man about town. 17 
 
 Mr. St rait jacket. Mr. Townley, I will thank you to con- 
 verse upon subjects less grave, if" you please. 
 
 Townley. 11" the soil upon wdiich your tomb rests, shall not 
 be required by utilitarianism for more carnal ends than to pre- 
 serve the ashes of the dead, you will have one consolation : 
 your remains wall not be contaminated by the poor man's 
 dust, and that, I take it, will be exceedingly gratifying to your 
 feelings, during the years upon years it will remain imprisoned 
 in the dark, silent, and gloomy receptacle for the dead ; into 
 which no ray of light, no breath of air, no voice of consola- 
 tion, can penetrate ; where nothing records the mutations of 
 the earth, and the progress of time, but the work of decay, 
 as your body slowly, but certainly, crumbles into dust. 
 
 Straitjacket. ^Vehemently .\ ilf;-. Townley I — 
 Enter Duayton, m. d. 
 
 Drayton. \Asicle^ Here, again ; if I don't keep on the qui 
 vivre, he'll carry oiTVirginny, by Jhigo I [Aloud.] Mr. Strait- 
 jacket, what news from the" Snegregs ? 
 
 Straitjacket. Most harrowing I 
 
 Drayton. No I 
 
 Straitjacket. They have been roasting more victims I 
 
 Drayton. Do you say they act 'illy baked — 
 
 Straitjacket. Roasted I 
 
 Drayton. Roasted a victim, nolans velans, under the drip- 
 pings of the Lord's Sanctuary ? 
 
 Straitjacket. Yea, in the presence of the Reverend Ebene- 
 zer Swipes, and, not satisfied with such an awful exhibition 
 of prol"anity, they asked him, wouldn't he — the Reverend 
 Ebenezer Swipes — take a slice ! 
 
 Drayton. Of the victim's body ? 
 
 Straitjacket. Cut from the loins, which they assured him, 
 with significant gesticulations, was a tit bit. 
 
 Drayton. Mon deabblay I 
 
 Straitjacket. They also intimated to Mr. Swipes, by way 
 of showing their appreciation of his person, that they had 
 dined on far less acceptable carcasses than his own w^ould 
 make, if it was duly cooked, and properly seasoned. 
 
 Townley. Profanation I what I boil a sacred ambassador 
 like a saddle of mutton 1 Mr. Straitjacket, they Avould find 
 you in excellent case, for you are well brandy pickled, even 
 now I 
 [WIr. Straitjacket starts to his feet, in great excitement.] 
 
18 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [Acf I. 
 
 Enter Virginia Drayton and Miss Flukins. 
 
 Drayto7i. Ladies, I hope you have had a pleasant teeter 
 teeter, during your ride. Nothing is so conductiv to pleasure, 
 while contemplating a picters^'wee landscape, as a delightlul 
 teeter teeter I 
 
 Miss Flukins. We have not been in search of the pictu- 
 resque, Mr. Drayton ; we have been making out a list of 
 persons to be invited to my party. Virginia and I differ so 
 entirely, that we have come to ask these gentlemen to decide 
 between us. 
 
 Drayton. Very well, set down, all hands. Now, state the 
 case sucksinkly and elaborately, and you shall have an an- 
 swer that would satisfy the most distinggee member of society. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Very well, then. If an invitation is exten- 
 ded to Miss Twaddle, what will Miss Memberton say ? If 
 Miss Brown is cut, what will her cousin. Miss Denmore say ? 
 Can a party be a go without the presence of Miss Denmore ? 
 Will the splendid diamonds of Mrs. Baxter induce people to 
 forget the faux 2^as she committed last summer at Saratoga ? — 
 
 Drayton. Allow me to interrupt you. Miss Flukins. If 
 there is anything I do like, it is to hear French pronounced 
 cu??imy — ill— /out ! Have the kindness to &2iy fox j)ass, my 
 dear Miss Flukins ! 
 
 Miss Flukins. Can saddlers, under any circumstances, be 
 invited ? Are merchant tailors admisisble ; if not, are tailleurs ? 
 These are points about which we differ. 
 
 Drayt07i. Virginny, what have you to say, nix kirthedray ? 
 
 Yirginia. That rank and fashion, as they are dwelt upon, 
 ad nauseum, are bombast and fustian. Let us see if they 
 are not the most worthless trifles that ever deluded poor, weak 
 human nature. Look at the gradations of society in England I 
 The baronet is proud, yet he is inferior in rank to the earl ; 
 the earl bears himself haughtily, still he must yield precedence 
 to the duke ; the duke looks down upon the earl, yet up to 
 royalty ! And what is royalty, but frail, perishable humanity, 
 that trembles at the approach of death, and shudders in the 
 presence of angels ! Travel down the avenues of social life, 
 until you reach that class, in this country, who, destitute of 
 rank, make an idol of fashion. What do all their heart- 
 burnings and struggles for preeminence amount to \ In the 
 effort to outshine each other (lor at best, it is but a show of 
 tuisel), they purchase gaudy equipages, flashy dresses, costly 
 
Scene I.] the young man about town. 19 
 
 furniture ; and when the drama closes, fortunes are squandered, 
 reputations are lost, and happiness is wrecked ! Believe me, 
 Maria, wealth, rank, and lashion, have for less claim upon 
 our respect, than goodness, talent, and unsullied honor I 
 
 To'icnley. Bravo ! Bravo ! 
 
 Drayton. [Sternly.^ I don't indorse the sentiment, and I 
 must insist, while you are in my house, that you show some 
 sort of respect for bellis lettiis, by pronouncing it brayxo I 
 Mr. Townley, hrayxo I 
 
 Scene changes. 
 
 Scene II. — A room m tcliich Nicodemus Straitjacket is 
 discovered, pouring ivinefrom a decanter. He soliloqidses 
 in a quick, nattered tone of voice. 
 
 Straitjacket. There is nothing bestowed upon the occupants 
 of this sublunary sphere, possessing so many fascinations as 
 wine, [^Drinks and smacks Ids Zz^j^.] except the fair sex. 
 [^Takes a miniature from his bosom. \ Wine I — [Drinks.^ 
 Women ! — \^Kisses the miniattcre.^ you are enough to entice 
 a fallen mortal to [ With a strooig nasal intonation^ the 
 brink of perdition, and the yawning gulf of hell I Come now, 
 [/;z a naturcd tone.^ Nic k5 traitjacket, no more of this cant 
 when it is unnecessary. [Drinks, lights a segar, rtins his 
 hand tlirough his hair, and leans back in his chair.^ If it 
 was not lor that fellow. Dr. Belton, whose father was a shoe- 
 maker, I could come it over Miss Flukins. She has a great 
 respect for my piety. [Looks sanctimordous, and runs his 
 tongue beneath his teeth. A rap heard itpon tlte door. Strait- 
 jacket hastily conceals the liquor, ajid seats himself, ichen 
 he bethinks himself of the segar ; looks around, and fmcdly 
 thrusts it into his shoe ; looks very sanctimonious, tchen Ids 
 face becomes distorted with pain. Segar burns Ids foot, he 
 dances about, and finally puts it under the leg of the sofa ; 
 knocks are heard upon tlie door ; smooths doivn his hair^ 
 and then, in a pious voice says\ 
 Straight jacket. Come in. 
 
 Smelts. Aliers engaged at your pious avocations. I never 
 know when tew call without a distubin' on ye. 
 
 Straight jacket. No one can tell, w^ho has not embarked in 
 the great work, what anxiety of mind it requires, to spread 
 the gospel in heathen lands. 
 
20 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT II. 
 
 Smelts. Jist so ; and I thought I would peek in a moment 
 to see abeout another article for the Banner of Peace, so as tew 
 praise your efforts accordin'. 
 
 ^traitjacket. I beg leave to suggest, merely, that refer- 
 ence should be made, in what you may consider fitting terms, 
 to the zeal with which I am prosecuting the philanthropic 
 work of sending missionaries to the benighted Snegregs. 
 
 Smelts. Sartain, 
 
 Straitjacket. Here are ten dollars, which I have taken 
 from the contingent African fund. It is a shght compensation 
 for the trouble you have taken to proclaim the progress of the 
 good work, and my participation therein. Modern fashion 
 has changed somewhat the sacred dogma that the right hand 
 should not know what the left hand' giveth. All our acts, 
 good and bad, are now to be known of men. {Straitjacket 
 observes that the attention of Smelts is directed to the segar. 
 Straitjacket is astounded.] Is it possible that Sanctimonious 
 Newcomb smokes the filthy weed ? I must teach my servant 
 the aivful tendency of such habits. Mr. Smelts, will you 
 eject the nauseous spawn of bar-rooms from the window ? 
 l^Strait jacket holds a ivhite hajidkerchief to his ?iose durin 
 the 02Jeration.] Although a defeated candidate for Alder 
 manic privileges, at the last election, I trust you had a plea- 
 sant canvas 1 
 
 Smelts. Yis, in the gineral. But one feller riled me con- 
 siderable. I invited him to dinner. He talked chatty enough, 
 and eat as if there hadn't ben a mossil of vittals tasted since 
 the flood. But, would you believe it, the ungrateful skunk 
 hadn't guzzled my goose and punkins half an hour when he 
 jist tuk and icent and voted agm me ? [Exit Smelts, l. d. 
 
 [Straitjacket listens at the door until Smelts is out of 
 hearing, and then commences dancing round the room. 
 Takes doivn the decanter, drinks, kisses the miniature, lights 
 a segar, smokes vehemently and elevates his feet higher than 
 his head, and scatters his hair about his head after the style 
 of fast young men.] 
 
 Scene chan2:es. 
 
 & 
 
 ■^o' 
 
 Scene III. — A iiarlor into which Drayton and Virginia 
 TowNLEY enter. 
 
 Drayton. I allers told you not to marry Townley. But 
 nothing would satisfy you ; a fox pass must be committed. 
 
Scene III.] the young man about town. 21 
 
 Virginia. But, father, I am sure he loves me. 
 
 Drayton. Does he ? Well he takes a pretty way to show 
 it — all night at the club ; losing his money, and keeping his 
 wife sitting up alone for him here in the country. Is that the 
 way he proves his love, heyl 
 
 Virginia. A great many young men attend the club. 
 
 Drayton. It is a bad custom, and more honored in the — 
 the — observants than — the — breach. That quotation was 
 cummy-ill-fout. 
 
 Virginia. But your especial favorite, Mr. Bombast, entices 
 him to the club. 
 
 Drayton. He goes because he is a distinggee young man 
 about town, with nothing else to do. 
 
 Virginia. You wanted me to marry him. 
 
 Drayton. Marriage would have relieved him from ennewy, 
 and he w^ould have reformed. 
 
 Virginia. I doubt your conclusions. It is the duty of ev- 
 ery individual to employ his physical or mental powers in 
 the cause of society. No one can rightfully become a drone, 
 and the man who is not kept within the bounds of propriety 
 by the dictates of honor, or by discharging his social obliga- 
 tions, will not be restrained by the sanctity of the marriage- 
 tie. 
 
 Drayton. You allers could argue me down ; so nouse vor- 
 rons. 
 
 Virginia. Father, I want money. 
 
 Drayton. Return with me to the city, then. 
 
 Virginia. I cannot desert Arthur. 
 
 Drayton. Let him sleep here, and take his meals at a 
 kafe. 
 
 Virginia. No, father, I cannot, indeed I cannot. 
 
 Drayton. Very well, until he reforms, he shall not receive 
 from me another souse, onarky. \Eixit Drayton, l. d. 
 
 Virginia. Oh ! Arthur, Arthur ! how can you treat me so 
 cruelly! * \Exit Vij giiiia weeping. 
 
 \_Enter Toivnley, looking ratlicr seedy \ 
 
 Toicnly. ISoliliquizing.] Pockets empty, as usual. It's 
 devilish strange how Bombast manages to win all the time. 
 Luck, I suppose, which always manages to give me a wide 
 berth. Clients, too, are giving me a wide berth. That is 
 strange, for they were made to be plucked. I must abandon 
 the club ; can't visit it without money, that's certain ; and 
 
22 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [ACT II. 
 
 money is as scarce in my wallet as brains are in the cranium 
 of my old dad-in-law. [Examines Ms u-allet^ Could there 
 he anything more unsatisfactory ? not a cent to swear by. 
 The deputy sheriff threatened to make a levy yesterday. And 
 poor Virginia — her cheeks are paler than when we were mar- 
 ried. By the Gods I I am a scoundrel to treat her so cruelly. 
 [ Walks the room in tmich exciteme^it.] But, hang it I other 
 men visit the club ; I am not the only husband who keeps his 
 wife up all night. Besides, I have often told her to go to bed. 
 [Ri?igs the bell — Enter Pheliin.] Phelim, bring me some 
 wine. \^Enter Phelim with the %vine7[ You have a great 
 respect tor the English nobility % 
 
 Phelim. Begorra I yez may Avell say that. 
 
 Totvnley. You think they have been favored by the Al- 
 mighty with heavenly attributes ? 
 
 Phelim. Yez ; havint they a heavenly title ? and will ony 
 one say that Arthur Wellington William Pitt Smithers, beyant, 
 wid his knees thryii.g lul make acquaintance wid his elbows, 
 is a human baing tul the same extint as the Duke of New 
 Castle ? 
 
 Toicnley. Now, Phelim, let me underceive you. The word 
 Lord is derived from two Saxon Avords, hlaf, loaf, and fo^rl, to 
 give ; and, therefore, he was styled a bread-givei. He was, 
 originally, either a miller, or a charitable person. If the for- 
 mer, Dick Sykes, who grinds wheat for the neighborhood, is a 
 Lord ; if the latter, the class have strangely degenerated, and 
 I fear but a small number, at the present day, could rightfully 
 claim the title, if it depended upon the quantity of bread they 
 give. [ Tlie bell rings, and Phelhn admits Bombast, and 
 tlien exit k. d.] Glad to see you, Bombast. 
 
 Bombast. You will meet me at the club to-night ? 
 
 Toicnley. Not to-night. Bombast. To tell you the truth, I 
 have no money. 
 
 Bombast. That must not be an obstacle. My purse is at 
 your service. 
 
 Toicnley. I have borrowed from you too much already. 
 
 Bombast. Pshaw ! Give me your note, and pay me when 
 you please. [ Townley hesitates. 
 
 Toicnley. Yes I yes I I will meet you I 
 
 Bombast. Au revoir. [^IszV/e.] I will yet be terribly re- 
 venged upon his wife. \Eiit Bombast, l. d. 
 Enter Virginia, r. d. 
 
Scene III.] the young man about town. 23 
 
 Virginia. I am so glad to see you, dear Arthur, for I want 
 you to accompany me to the Montgomerys this afternoon. I 
 cannot make a visit in the country without you, as we have 
 no carriage. I know you will grant me this favor, as I rarely 
 go out, now that you pass so much time at the club. 
 
 Townley. How can you ask me to encounter the chilling 
 atmosphere, now that my health is so delicate ? 
 
 Virginia. You are well enough to sit up all night at the 
 dub! 
 
 TGitmhy. [ With his eyes elevated.^ Gracious heavens ! 
 what unreasonable creatures women are ! 
 
 Virginia. If your health is so feeble, you will remain at 
 home with me this evening, will you not ? 
 
 Toicnley. If there is any portion of the human family 
 dreadfully exacting, I say dreadfully exacting, it is the female 
 sex. And yet, they manage to win an immoderate quantity 
 of sympathy, on the plea that they are misused. [ With hands 
 and eyes elevated.^ I would not be so selfish for all the plea- 
 sures this world can bestow ! 
 
 Virginia. [Good humoredly.\ lam sure I cannot fairly 
 be accused of selfishness. I have not been outside the house 
 for three weeks, and you have visited the club every night. 
 
 Toivnley. \ With a sad and complaining voice.] Yes, the 
 club I the club I Constantly reproached because I meet 
 agreeable society at the club I But men were made to be ill- 
 treated ; that is a sad, but sweet consolation I 
 
 Virginia. Dear Arthur, let us not reproach each other ; 
 let us recall the past. Do you not remember how happy we 
 w^ere for six months after our marriage ? During the day you 
 were in the city, and returning at night so cheerful and con- 
 tented, to make me the happiest of wives. Seated upon the 
 balcony, we watched the departure of twilight, as the mus- 
 tering shadows pursued each other through the grove ; or, at 
 early morn, listened to the feathered songsters, before the sun 
 had kissed away the dew — those tear-drops, shed by night for 
 the loss of day. 
 
 Toivnley. [Dcejjly moved.] Those were indeed joyous mo- 
 ments I 
 
 Virginia. The present revels in happiness quite as blissfiil 
 as that which was vouchsafed to the past I 
 
 Toivnley. I know it I 1 know it I and be the hour forever 
 accursed that witnessed my admission to the club ! 
 
24 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. AcT II. 
 
 Virginia No I no I Arthur, do not say that I You have 
 derived w^isdom from experience, and when you withdraw 
 from the ck^b, you will resume your domestic hahits, a wiser 
 and a better man. 
 
 Toimiley. You know not what you say. I tell you, the 
 man who is fascinated by the gaming table, no matter what 
 the amount may be that is staked, if it depends upon " hazard 
 or address," will loosen, if he does not entirely sever, his 
 domestic ties I 
 
 Yirginia. Then let me implore you, by the memory of" 
 your plighted vow^s, by the the recollection of our past happi- 
 ness, and present misery, to abandon the club, forever I 
 
 Toivnley. I ivill do it, if it subjects me to the ridicule of 
 all my friends I 
 
 Virginia. You have often made the same pledge. Prove 
 that you have sufficient resolution to keep it, by remaining at 
 home to-night. 
 
 Toicnlcy. Not to-night, Virginia ; I promised Bombast to 
 meet him at the club. Even now I leave you, as I must call 
 at Bradshaw's as I pass. To-morrow night shall be the date 
 of my reformation. Good-bye, dearest I 
 
 Virginia. Is not your health too delicate, dear Arthur ? 
 
 Toivnley. It is never so frail as to justify the violation of 
 my word, dear Virginia. [Exit Townley, l. d. 
 
 Virginia. Alas I your resolutions are as powerless as a rope 
 of sand ! [Scene changes. 
 
 Scene IV. — A o'ooni, in tvhich there is a bed, upon which a 
 sick man is lying. Townley is seated by his side. 
 
 Bradshaiv. [In a iveak voice.] Has not Mr. Straitjacket 
 arrived yet ? 
 
 Toivnley. [ Quickly.'] You have not sent for that hypocrite 1 
 
 Bradshaiv. Yes I 
 
 Toivnley. Why do you not avail yourself of the fleeting 
 moments allotted to you on earth, for the purpose of making 
 a will ? "Why do you expose your wife and children to the 
 tricks of the law ? 
 
 Bradshaw. The presence of Mr. Straitjacket can do no 
 harm I 
 
 Toivnley. Yes, but it can, though. The agents of charita- 
 ble institutions, are making desperate exertions to obtain be- 
 
SCKNE IV.] -illE YOUNG MAN ABOUT ToW>:. 25 
 
 quests. The mind enfeebled by disease, and palsied with 
 terror, seeks to win a pathway to the celestial regions, and the 
 simulated philanthropist hangs over the trembling body, 
 when it is about surrendering its immateriality, and with 
 hypocritical cant, prevails upon the suffering flesh to disinherit 
 a helpless family, for the purpose of enriching charitable and 
 religious institutions ! 
 
 [Bradshaiv is sile?it, and Townley reclines wpon a sofa 
 at the foot of the bed, and is concealed from the view of any 
 one in the middle of the room.] 
 
 Bradshaiv. [Arousing himself] I wish he would come ! 
 [A knock is heard 112^071 the door.] 
 
 Bradshaiv. [Joyfully.] There he is ; come in ! 
 
 [Entei" Straitjacket, m. d., discove?"s no one but Bradshaw 
 in the room, and seats himself by the bedside^ 
 
 Straitjacket. [In a seindchral voice.] I sincerely regret, 
 my dear sir, to find you in this awful condition. 
 
 Bradshaw. Fate is resistless. Can you give me no consola- 
 tion in this dreadful hour % 
 
 Straitjacket. [ With increased solemnity.] You have Math- 
 held from us that pecuniary aid, which enables our society to 
 become the instrument, in the hands of an over-ruling power, 
 for the accomplishment of much good. 
 
 Bradshaw. Is it too late to make amends for my remissness 
 and folly? 
 
 Straitjacket. You spoke, yesterday, of giving aid to the 
 institution whereof I am president I 
 
 Bradshaw. Alas I I fear it is too late. 
 
 Straitjacket. It is never too late to repent. 
 
 Bradshaw. [Earnestly.] I will do anything to secure for- 
 giveness. 
 
 Straitjacket. You can greatly assist the charitable in 
 spreading divine truths among the heathen. 
 
 Bradsliaw. How ? 
 
 Straitjacket. By giving largely of your wealth. Make a 
 bequest to me, in trust for philanthropic purposes ; it will 
 greatly commend you to divine goodness. 
 
 Bradshaw. I will do it. Name the sum. 
 
 Straitjacket. [With a powerful nasal intonation.] To 
 whom much is given much will be required. 
 
 Bradshaw. But my wife and helpless babes, what will 
 become of them ? 
 
26 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT IF. 
 
 Straitjacket. Leave them a very small sum. Riches will 
 distract their attention from their heavenly duties, and subject 
 them to the snares of the avaricious. 
 
 Bradshaiv. There are materials in that desk. Write a 
 will that shall be perfectly satisfactory to yourself. 
 
 [//z going to the desk, Mr. Straitjacket closes one eye know- 
 ingly, and indulges in a brief double-shuffle. Gets the paper 
 and takes a seat with his back towards Totvnley, and writes 
 rapidly. Townley rises from the sofa and confronts him,. 
 Straitjacket is much confused, but gradually recovers his self- 
 possession.^ 
 
 Toimiley. Mr. Straitjacket, you have disgraced your calling, 
 increased the djdng agonies of a fellow-mortal, and fully justi- 
 fied your claim to eternal damnation. Now, sir, if I treated 
 you as you deserve, your infamy and rascality would be pro- 
 claimed to the public ; but I shall only make a slight atone- 
 ment to outraged humanity, by kicking you down stairs. 
 
 Straitjacket. How dare you threaten one of the immacu' 
 late 
 
 Townley. Bah I humbug the marines ! 
 
 '[Townley inserts his hand in the white cravat of Mr. Strait- 
 jacket, who looks dignified, furious, and humbled, by turns. 
 Townley leads him to the l. d., through which they make their 
 exit, and then are heard several kicks and groans, which are 
 succeeded by a noise, as if a body was tumbling down a long 
 staircase.^ 
 
 {Enter Totvnley.] 
 
 Townley. He has obtained a bequest at last, and one he'll 
 not soon forget. Justice is slow, but it is amazingly sure- 
 footed, and, sometimes, hard-footed. 
 
 [Toivnley exa7?iines his boot. 
 Scene cha?igcs. 
 
 Scene V. — A court-yard in the country. Enter Phelim, 
 followed by two civil officers. 
 
 Phelim. An' yez hiv coome to make a levy upon all ov 
 Maister Townley's property V 
 
 1st Officer. Yes. 
 
 Phelim. An' sure yez will not ba afther lading away booti- 
 ful Surrey ? 
 
 \st Officer. Unless you have the money to pay the debt. 
 
Scene V.] the young man about town. 27 
 
 Phelim. Divil a ha'purth hiv I, at all, at all ; bad luck to 
 me extravigant habits. 
 
 1st. Officer. Have you the funds at hand? 
 
 Phelim. No, nor at mouth, nayther, where your honor 
 kapes sich witty remarks. 
 
 2d Officer . Better let Phelim alone. 
 
 Ist Officer. Ugh ! 
 
 Phelim. I hope yer honor won't forget anything. 
 
 \st Officer. If there is any probability of our doing so, you 
 will oblige us by suggesting it. 
 
 \\st Officer takes out a bock, and ivith j)ea and ink irro- 
 ceeds to make a levy on various articles.^ 
 
 Phelim. Yer honor won't forget the speckled pig ? 
 
 1st Officer. No. 
 
 Phelim. And the big rooster % 
 
 1st Officer. No. 
 
 Phelitn. Perhaps yer honor can make something out of 
 yon hen, for nayther I nor the rooster — 
 
 1 st Officer. You are becoming trouble — 
 
 Phelim. Not in the laist — I'm a gintleman now, and in- 
 tirely at yer disposal. Holy St. Patrick only knows how I'm 
 to live, now yez hiv livid upon all the tools I 
 
 1st Officer. If you are a gentleman, you can live without 
 work ! 
 
 Phelim. Without money ? 
 
 1st Officer. Yes ; by your wits I 
 
 Phelim. It's meself is afeard the investment would not ba 
 profitable, as yer honor has found it does not yald a ha'porth. 
 
 1st Officer. Ugh ! 
 
 Phelwi. Yon is the billy-goat ; his riverence, Maister 
 Scrimpton, the apiscopalian minister, would give yez the mat- 
 ter of one pound ten, for that same billy-goat I 
 
 l5^ Officer. What for? 
 
 Phelim. Tul make his riverence a whig, or a goaty, one, 
 for he niver passes this way, that he don't stop and cast in- 
 vious eyes at that same billy-goat I 
 
 1st Officer. What would you sell your wit for ? 
 
 Phelitn. If it was marketable, yer honor ought to buy it ! 
 
 1st Officer. Why 1 
 
 Phelitn. Bekase blissed Ireland izn't fraycr of snakes than 
 yer honor is of that same I 
 
 1st Officer. Ugh ! 
 
28 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT II. 
 
 Phelhn. There is the skeleton of the old cow, as died last 
 summer, iii the lot beyant. Perhaps yer honor can make 
 something out of that ; though she niver was much of a 
 milker in her lifetime. They say there are thim's as can rap 
 up the spirits of departed souls ; and sure yez must ba a 
 mighty poor rapper, if yez can't manage the spirit of yon 
 oold cow I 
 
 \st Officer. No ; but I will tell yez {Irreverently imitating 
 Plielim's " rich Irish brogue""^ what I can do. Its mesel can 
 take every bit of skin from the back of yez. [Phelim places 
 the fence hetiveen the officer and himself. \ 
 
 Phelim. Be vartue of yez office, money is raised, and I 
 hope yez will not consider it ofiensive whin I supposed the 
 oold cow beyant, might ba raised likewise. If yer honor 
 wishes to try the expiriment, I'll show yez where the skeleton — 
 [ The officer springs over the fence and gives Phelim' s crowii- 
 less hat, which had fallen off, a violent kick\ 
 
 Phelim. Hiv yez no riverence for a man's bayver 1 
 
 \st Officer. {Disrespectfully punching Phelim' s ribs with 
 his fist. \ Take that and see ! 
 
 Phelim. It's a bootiful officer yez are, not to know that a 
 frayman is proticted in his castle. And, bad luck tul yez, 
 don't yez say me hat is all the castle I hiv ? Begorra I I'll 
 tache yez yer duty, onyhow I {Phelitn seizes the officer's hat 
 and thrusts it doivn over his eyes.] 
 
 Phelim. Thim haythinish officers always hiv other castles, 
 beside their bayvers I 
 
 1st Officer. {Frmn ivithin his hat.] Let go I let go I 
 
 Phelim. Acting in self-defence. 
 
 Is^ Officer. Let go, or I will have you transported ! 
 
 Phelim. It's transported 1 am already, at the capers yer 
 honor is cutting! {Exit through m. d., still struggling \ 
 
 END OF ACT H. 
 
Scene I.] the young man about town. 29 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Scene I. — A room in which are Townley and Virginia. 
 
 Toivnley. Everything must be sold ; even the elegant parlor 
 furniture v^'hich you selected with so much care, vi^ill be 
 brought under the hammer. Can you forgive me for all the 
 pain I have occasioned you ? 
 
 Virginia. Yes, Arthur, all is forgiven. I never looked for 
 perfection, even in you. People are often rendered miserable 
 by expecting too much happiness in this world. We are too 
 rarely satisfied with our destiny, and often complain because 
 fate has not been more propitious, when we should express 
 our gratitude because its decrees have not been more unkind. 
 
 Toivnley. Is discontent, then, so fatal to happiness ? 
 
 Virginia. Can you doubt it 1 It causes the fashionable 
 woman to repine, because her pew does not occupy a conspic- 
 uous position in the church, and to weep over a party less 
 brilliant than her neighbors. It pales the student's cheek at 
 the midnight lamp, and prompts the adventurous merchant to 
 intrust his all, to the viewless wdnds and tumultuous ocean. 
 It caused the banishment of Adam and Eve from the garden 
 of Eden, and was the mightiest curse invoked upon their de- 
 scendants. 
 
 Toivnley. And it was a knowledge of these facts which 
 induced you to submit, uncomplainingly, to wrongs that often 
 arouse the indignation of your sex ? 
 
 Virginia. And pray how do you know the indignation of 
 my sex is aroused by them ? 
 
 Toivnley. Do you suppose members of the club can sit 
 night after night together, each one experiencing a nervous 
 sensation, as the small hours of the morning are slipping away, 
 painfully conscious that an individual is awaiting his return ; 
 conscious, also, thg-t the aforesaid individual is either shiver- 
 ing, with tearful eyes, over expiring coals, with a countenance 
 upon which the seal of w'oe is stamped, for the purpose of as- 
 certaining what efiect a silent appeal will produce ? Or, as 
 is oftener the case, saluting his ears with — " This is a pretty 
 time for a married man to come home I A man with children 
 large enough to be ruined by his example I And I had so 
 many excellent ofiers before I accepted you, and they are all 
 
30 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. AcT III. 
 
 married now, and love their wives I You ought to be ashamed 
 to render yourself unfit for business I To ruin your health I 
 To disgrace your family ! To squander your money I so that 
 you can't give me a party I or buy me a new carriage I or 
 purchase me a pew in Grace Church ! And, boo I hoo I to 
 break your wife's heart, by, boo I hoo I hoo I by sending her, 
 all alone, these cold nights, to her virtuous bed I" I say, do 
 you suppose they could be in constant dread of such scenes, 
 without occasionally letting a word fall that reveals the charms 
 of domestic life ? 
 
 Virginia. All this will do to laugh about, but in reality, it 
 is a very sad experience for a wife, to submit to the habitual 
 absence of one, who promised to forsake all others and cleave 
 unto her. By transferring her from the society of her youth- 
 ful acquaintances to his own fireside, he deprived her of the 
 pointed attentions of unmarried gentlemen. Is it right, then, 
 for him to force her to lead a hermit's life, while he is, in. the 
 society of club-men, enjoying unrestricted liberty ? 
 
 Toiimley. Hem ! — perhaps — that is to say — if — 
 
 Virginia. Come now, Arthur, " own up," if you will par- 
 don me for using a trite expression. 
 
 Toivnley. Hang it ! I will honestly admit that the obliga- 
 tions resting upon man and wife, to make home the pleasantest 
 spot on earth, are mutual ; there, noiv. 
 
 Virginia. Then you will never visit the club again ? 
 
 [ Toivnley moves uneasily on the sofa, and then rising, 
 walks about the 7'oom.] 
 
 Townley. \^Hesitatingly.^ I promised to meet Bombast 
 there to-night. 
 
 Virginia. Arthur, you must never associate with that man 
 again, 
 
 Townley. Why not ? 
 
 Virginia. He was here yesterday. It was at his request 
 that your property was levied upon to-day. 
 
 Toivnley. Oh, very well. Perhaps he desires to arrest my 
 mad career. 
 
 Virginia. Is that probable, after leading you into tempta- 
 tion 1 He said you owe him large sums, and that he would 
 enforce the payment, if it was necessary to exhaust every 
 remedy which the law gave him. 
 
 Townley. Let him do it ; he has the legal right. 
 
 Virginia. What infatuation ! will nothing arouse your in- 
 
Scene II.] the young man about town. 31 
 
 dignation ? Let me place your confidence upon the rack I 
 He dared to address me with the language of passion I 
 
 Toivnley. {Starting to his feet. \ Have I, oh I have I been 
 such a brute as to subject you to this insult ? 
 
 Virginia. He left my presence so indignantly rebuked, that 
 he will never address such language to me again ; and I only 
 now refer to the subject for the purpose of convincing you that 
 the husband should not associate with the man who has dared 
 to insult his wife, 
 
 Townley. I will meet him this once, and if I do not prove 
 a devoted husband hereafter, may heaven desert me. Fare- 
 well, dear Virginia. [Ejnbraces he?'. 
 
 Townley. [Aside.] Terribly shall the villain expatiate this 
 insult. [Exit. l. d. 
 
 Scene changes. 
 
 Scene II. — The sanctum of Mr. Nicodemus Straitjacket, 
 into ivhich a servant conducts Mr. Truman Smelts. 
 
 Servant. Take a chair, sir, Mr. Straitjacket will return in 
 a few minutes. \^Exit Servant. 
 
 Sinelts. Wonder if the passon has left ary stump of a se- 
 gar abeout this time ? He could not stand the naseous weed, 
 t'other arternoon. He I he I 
 
 [Enter Mr. Straitjacket, m. d., slightly mider the influ- 
 ence of liquor ; his hat is jammed ; his white cravat turned 
 upon one side. He walks unsteadily, and yet endeavors to 
 conceal it.\ 
 
 Straitjacket. [ With a nasal intonation.] Mr. Smelts, glad 
 to see you. Glorious privilege to have the society of your 
 friends, in moments of aivful tribulation ! 
 
 Smelts. [Aside.] I'll eat a tater if the passon aint three 
 sheets in the wdnd. [^Aloud.^ I hope nothin unkimmon has 
 riled yer sperits. 
 
 Straitjacket. My feet — yea, the feet of Nicodemus Strait- 
 jacket, have been wandering in the tents of wickedness. Mr. 
 Smelts, you will find a bottle of — brandy — good brandy — in 
 that cupboard. Medicinal — nothing else — and I feel very un- 
 comfortable here. 
 
 [^Places his hand on his stomach.. Smelts goes to the 
 cupboard and discovers several kinds of liquor.] 
 
32 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. AcT III. 
 
 Smelts. [Aside.\ He is a riglar Bacchus I By jingo, I'll gin 
 the darned old shadwaiter a dose of brandy and rum, mixed. 
 
 [Sfuelts pours some rufn into a half-Jilled bottle of brandy 
 and brings it to the table. \ 
 
 ^traitjacket. Looks like 'pale brandy, thought it was red. 
 
 \Pours some out and sivallows it. 
 
 Smelts. Dooze dew yeou good 1 
 
 Straitjacket. It worketh wonders upon the inner man — 
 verily it giveth consolation to the afflicted. [ Weeps and dis- 
 closes a very hideous face. \ Mr. Smelts, I am an ill used man. 
 Hiccough ' Excuse me, I anvays have the hiccoughs when 
 the foundation of grief is broken up. Mr. Smelts, I've been 
 kicked down stairs — yea, from the top,- [Places his hand on 
 his head.] to the bottom. [Places his hand behind.] 
 
 Smelts. He ! he ! he : 
 
 Straitjacket. Scoffer I avaunt I but the lowly [slips out of 
 his chair upon the floor.] shall be exalted. [^Crawls up into 
 his chair ^ 
 
 Smelts. Dew tell. Who could halve ben so sassey ? 
 
 Straitjacket. [In a voice of thunder.] Mr. Townley I 
 
 Smelts. ISTebecannazer I and asparagrass ! 
 
 [Mr. Straitjacket staggers to the cupboard. 
 
 Straitjacket. Excuse me, Mr. Smelts, I am sometimes — 
 afflicted with the ver — verti — vertigo ! when it's difficult for 
 me to walk. Mr. Smelts — significant name that of yours — 
 fill — your glass. Here's to the health of Miss Flukins. I 
 shall go and offer myself Yea, I will go while the spirit — 
 hiccough — moveth me, thereunto. Miss Flukins is rich — 
 riches is comfortable. Money is the root — of all — ^hiccough — 
 evil, and yet most persons, like beach trees — want a good 
 deal of the article. Does Solomon Snipes want a pre — 
 pretend — pretentious epitaph, upon his tombstone ? Then put 
 on the tombstone of Solomon Snipes, that he died worth two 
 hundred thousand dollars — that's an ob — obit — obituary that 
 must be satisfactory to Solomon Snipes, for several hundred 
 years. I am going now to see Miss Flukins. 
 
 Smelts. Yeou would'nt be sich a tarnal fool as to go in yer 
 present condition ? 
 
 Straitjacket. Present condition I What do you mean ? pro- 
 crastination — hiccough — are — the — the — yea, verily — it is. 
 
 Smelts. Mr. Straitjacket, you are drunk. 
 
 Straitjacket. Calumniator I I'll prove the — hiccough — 
 
Scene III.] the young man about town. 33 
 
 aspersion false ! [Rises with great difficulty to his feet. ^ — 
 False in its breadth [staggers sideivays^ and its length. 
 [Staggers forward to the m. d. and disappear s.\ 
 
 Smelts. Ha ! ha I ha I If yeou go tew Miss Flukins in 
 that air condition, you will be kicked down stairs agin, that's 
 all. ^ Exit Smelts, l. d. 
 
 Scene III. — A loood. Enter Townley, Bombast, Drayton, 
 Smelts, and Phelim. 
 
 Smelts. As a police officer, I don't exactly see how I'm tew 
 justify myself for acting as a second in a duel, though I 
 spose it's not half so unpleasant as to be shot at. 
 
 Toivnley. You may soothe your conscience, Mr. Smelts, for 
 you are not the first public functionary who has winked at 
 affairs of honor, although, in some instances, such affairs have 
 been confined to winking. 
 
 Smelts. That's some consolation, ony heow. 
 
 Toivnley. We are here, sir, to answer the call of your 
 principal. 
 
 Drayton. Yes, sir, we are here to answer his call for having 
 publicly cowhided him. But it must be understood that what 
 we do now, must never be divulged. It is done inter nos, sir, 
 inter nos. 
 
 Sinelts. Shut pan, is the idee. As the seconds, let us ar- 
 range the conditions. 
 
 Drayton. [Softly^ Step this way. 
 
 Smelts. "What are your weepons ? 
 
 Drayton. Rifles. 
 
 Phelim. Ba the holy St. Pathrick, why don't they choose 
 shillalaghs ? 
 
 Smelts. I must consult my principal [^Converses apart 
 with Bombast, and then returns.] We prefer pistils. 
 
 Drayton. I must consult my principal. "[^Converses apart 
 ivith Townley, and then returns?^ Very well, pistols. They 
 are still more destructive and sanguineous. What distance ? 
 
 Smelts. [Aside.] I'll be darned if they haint brought them. 
 [Aloud.] I swow, your acceptance of pistils is so unexpected, 
 I must consult my principal. [_Converses apart with Bom- 
 hast, and retzcrns.] If it's the same tew yeou, we would a 
 darned sight rather fight with swords. It's mure agreeable 
 than having a little round ball sent through our lights. 
 
 2* 
 
34 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT HI. 
 
 Phelim. "Won't yez thry two darlint bits of sliillalaghs for 
 St. Patlirick's sake ? 
 
 Smelts. Phelim, shut pan. 
 
 Drayton. As this looks like paddling backwards, I must 
 consult my principal. [Converses apart tvith Toionley and 
 returns.] Mr. Smelts, we accept your ultimo re^<95 with the 
 utmost wowshaUewce. 
 
 Smelts. [To Bombast.] I spose we must, Bombast. 
 
 Bombast. [Much agitated.^ Must we ? Dont't you think 
 the weapons with which we have been provided by nature, 
 more respectable. 
 
 Toivnley. No I Phelim, the swords. 
 
 Smelts. If they hain't got them, arter all, I'll eat a tater I 
 
 [Enter Phelim^, tvith the sivords. 
 
 Bombast. [Aside.] The bloodthirsty pirates have brought 
 with them a whole arsenal. 
 
 JJrayton. They are Yickoshee weepons, Mr. Smelts. 
 
 Smelts. Peers tew me they look very bright, don't they, 
 Mr. Bombast? 
 
 Bombast. As steel. 
 
 Smelts. And sharp ? 
 
 Bombast. As a razor. 
 
 Smelts. And lonff ? 
 
 Bombast. As a pitchfork. 
 
 Drayton. [Sharply^ Are you ready 1 
 
 Smelts. Don't be so bloodthirsty. 
 
 Jjrayton. [Loftily '\ Our honor, sir, has been impinged. 
 
 Bombast. [To Smelts.] Don't you think it is your duty, 
 as an officer, to arrest me, in order to prevent the efiusion of 
 blood ? 
 
 Smelts. Not by a jugfull. We are in for it, and bein' one 
 of the city government, a little notoriety won't hurt me. 
 
 [Principals face each other. 
 
 Bombast. [ To Smelts.'] Can't I apologize I 
 
 Smelts. Apologize I didn't he lambaste yer shoulders with 
 a cowhide 1 
 
 Bombast. Yes, but I had on a flannel-shirt, and a very 
 thick coat. 
 
 Smelts. It won't dew, no how you can fix it. 
 
 Bombast. Well, I sha'nt hurt him. I'd scorn to do it. 
 
 [Here folloivs a most ludicrous fight of cut and thrust, 
 Toionley evidently not desirous of ivoundmg his adversary. 
 
Scene IV.] the young man about town. 35 
 
 while Bombast backs and cuts the air half the time. At 
 length he stops, and leans on his sword, much exhausted. 
 
 Bombast. I have the right to rest myself. 
 
 Drayton. Yes, that is according to the code of amen 
 honorabble. Neville Souie and the Duke of Alba did that. 
 I shall be entirely courteous to one vv^ho, although he treated 
 my daughter disrespectfully, taught me to speak my French 
 oh faight. 
 
 [ Toivnley raises his sword as if to recommence the com- 
 bat^ 
 
 Bombast. I am not half rested yet. 
 
 Phelim. Begorra I yez might know him for a spalpeen vi'ho 
 carries two faces under one hat. 
 
 [^They recommence the fight, and Bombast falls ?^ 
 
 Bombast. [ To Smelts.^ Second, support me. Don't you 
 see my strength is exhausted ? 
 
 Toivnley. I might have known that a scoundrel who would 
 betray his friend and insult a lady must be a coward and a 
 poltroon. 
 
 Drayton. Are you satisfied ? 
 
 Bombast. Perfectly. 
 
 Smelts. {^Aside.^ I nmstgit the papers tew print the affair, 
 so as tew give me some notoriety. 
 
 Drayton. Then, reservoir ! reservoir I 
 Scene changes. 
 
 Scene IV. — A parlor, in which are Miss Sensitive and 
 Miss Flukins. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Pray tell me, my dear Araminta, how you 
 won your present enviable position in society. Ten years ago 
 you were not admitted to a single drawing-room, where you 
 are now welcomed with smiles. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. I don't mind telling you, my dear friend, 
 although 1 would not like to have the world made acquainted 
 with the modus operandi. I started out in life with two rules 
 for my guidance. 1st. Never to be offended by rebuffs. 2nd. 
 To flatter those into whose saloons I was anxious to obtain 
 admittance. If they cut me, I did not notice it ; I flattered 
 them still. If cut the second time, still I fawned and flattered, 
 until at last, from sheer pity, they recognized me. 
 
 Miss Flukins. That was not a very pleasant experience. 
 
36 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT ITT. 
 
 Wliss Sensitive. Oh dear, yes ; for it gave me indescribable 
 pleasure to make those who are at last, no better than myself, 
 reverse their judgments. And then it was a subject of inex- 
 haustible amusement, to note their ignorance, and observe 
 their airs. I remarked to one of them that she was much 
 improved in looks. *' Be /.'" said she. Just think of it, be 
 II In the same conversation she said she did not visit Mrs. 
 Fenton — with whom she was very intimate one year ago — as 
 Mrs. Fenton did not belong to her set. A woman talking 
 about sets, who replies, " be I f'^ 
 
 Miss Flukins. It was very ridiculous. 
 
 Miss Se?isitive. And so, dear Henrietta Maria, it is difficult 
 for you to decide between Mr. Straitjacket and Dr. Belton ? 
 
 Miss Flukins. If I allowed my heart to become the arbi- 
 ter, the doctor would be the fortunate man, unless, like a bad 
 lucifer, he refuses to take. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. There surely can be no safer guide. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Such an admission from the aristocratic 
 Miss Sensitive I 
 
 Miss Sensitive. I have been taught that the high-born are 
 not always high-toned. 
 
 Miss Flukins. The rude conduct of E. Frederick 
 
 Miss Sensitive. \Indignantly^ Don't 7?^e?^?^w^ the beast's 
 name! 
 
 Miss Flukins. His conduct was ungentlemanly. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Outrageous I To insist upon my mounting 
 the back of a — a — \slirieks it^ long eared animal. 
 
 Miss Flukins. I acknowledge, my dear Araminta, that Dr. 
 Belton is a younger, handsomer, and more captivating gentle- 
 man than Mr. Straitjacket. But, then, think of Mr. Strait- 
 jacket's family ; one of the oldest in the city. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. That may be so, without being as old as 
 Methusaleh. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Besides, he is so pious, and is so often highly 
 praised in the Banner of Peace. 
 
 [ St7-aigjacket staggers, in a state of inebriation, through 
 M. D., and seats himself in a chair, unobserved by the 
 ladies.^ 
 
 Miss Sensitive. His moral character is so spotless. 
 
 [St?'aitjacket smooths his Jiair, 
 
 Miss Flukins. Such an absence of selfishness. 
 
 [Straitjacket jnclls up his shirt-collar. 
 
Scene IV.] the young wan about tow:^. 37 
 
 Miss Sensitive. So saiiclified. 
 
 [Straiijacket clasps his hands. 
 
 Miss Fhihins. Disinterested. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Humble. 
 
 [Straifjackct slips out of his -chair upon the Jloo9\ 
 
 Miss Fhikins. Modest. 
 
 [Straitjacket gives a drunken laugh. 
 
 Miss Sensitive, Temperate. 
 
 [^Straitjacket looks indignant. 
 
 Miss Flukins. Pious. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. You had better accept Mr. Straitjacket. 
 
 Miss Fhikins. Dr. Belton is the handsomest, but 1 shall 
 accept Mr. Straitjacket. 
 
 Miss Sensitive, Beauty will fade. 
 
 [Straitjacket staggers for ivarcl and the ladies start to 
 their feet. His endeavors to look piirit.a7iical end in a 
 drunken laugh.^ 
 
 Straitjacket. S-p-e-e-e ? ISToth — noth — ing could be more 
 — I say noth — ing could be more truthful than the last 
 — last remark of — hiccough — yours Miss Sen — en — Senc;?-si- 
 live. Beauty will fade — it's illustrated in your person — it is 
 — s-p-e-e-e. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Mr. Straitjacket, you are drunk, and im- 
 pertinent both. 
 
 {Straitjacket looks displeased at first, a7id then facetious ; 
 pokes her i?t the ribs ; she indignantly retreats.^ 
 [Enter Toivnley, m. d.] 
 
 Straitjacket. Sore — aint you — since Bombast wouldn't 
 keep you in — in his — net — s-p-e-e-e ? Hiccough. Matrimony 
 isn't for everybody — only for the young and lovely. 
 
 [While attempting to kneel at the feet of Miss Flukins, 
 Straitjacket falls, and rises with great difficulty upon one 
 knee.] 
 
 Straitjacket. Adorablest of your sex — may I hope that — 
 hiccough — the destiny — of this — heart — may not — never — 
 be— 
 
 [Misses Sensitive and Flukins exit, r. d. Straitjacket 
 looks after them, tvoefuUy, and seating himself upon the floor, 
 facing the audience, iveeps, making a horrible face. Town- 
 ley confronts him^^ 
 
 Straitjacket. [ To Toivnley^ Rush of blood to the head. 
 
3vS THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT 111. 
 
 Toicnley. The lancet — fortunately I have it with me. Di- 
 agnosis — full habits — obese — 
 
 Strailjacket. \Indigna7itly.\ I deny it I I am not a 
 beast I 
 
 Toivnley. Great loss cf blood necessary. 
 
 Strait jacket. Not now I not now ! It will increase the — 
 tor — pid — that is — the stujvdity of the patient. 
 
 Toicnley. Another remedy is, then, unavoidable. It ef- 
 fects most Avonderful cures upon those who are afflicted with 
 hypocrisy, stupidity, and impertinence. 
 
 [ Takes hold of Mr. Strait jacket's ear, raises him from 
 the floor ; the face of ^traitjacket, during the 02Jeratio7i, 
 assumes hideous contortions. Toivnley leads him sloivly 
 along the footlights, ivith his face turned to the audience, 
 and out of the l. d.] 
 
 Scene V. — A Laicn — Enter Townley «n<:Z Yirginia, Misses 
 Sensitive and Flueins, Smelts and Phelim. 
 
 Toivnley. Ha I ha I ha I You are charmed, Miss Flukins, 
 with his piety ' 
 
 [ikZ-w5 Flukins appears excessively annoyed^ 
 
 Virginia. He is so temperate ! 
 
 Drayton. So disting-gee ! 
 
 Toivnley. Not so handsome as Belton, but vastly more 
 aristocratic. 
 
 Smelts. Shall I arrest the old shadwaiter ? He don't vote 
 our ticket I 
 
 Phelim. [ Thumping Smelts in the ribs ivith his elbotv.^ 
 Is it the likes of yez that'll carry two faces under one hat ? 
 Don't yez resave his money for spaking swately about him in 
 the Banner of Face ? And will ye now turn queen's evi- 
 dence agin your binefactor ? 
 
 Toivnley. He is so sanctified 1 
 
 Drayton. So ohfaight I 
 
 Miss Flukins. You all, even Phelim and this police officer, 
 have committed errors, quite as ludicrous as that lor which 
 you are badgering me ! 
 
 Virginia. Impossible ! 
 
 Drayton. The imputation is rejected with the utmost non- 
 shalleucG. 
 
 Townley. It is too absurd ! 
 
Scene V.] the young man about town. Sli 
 
 Miss Sensitive. Monstrous I 
 
 Smelts. [ To Pheliin.] Hear what Miss Fluldns says, you 
 old bog-trotter I 
 
 Fliclim, {To Smelts.] Repate that agin, and me shillalch 
 shall make yez see what it is so hard to find when they av(; 
 wanted I 
 
 Smelts. What's that ? 
 riu'lim. " Stars /" 
 
 Miss FluJdns. Immaculate, are you ? Now, see yourself 
 as others see you ! — Virginia Drayton surrenders her freedom 
 to the guardianship of one who, at the end of six months, was 
 oilener seen at the club, than with her. 
 
 Townleij. [Aside.] A centre shot, by Jove ! 
 Virginia. Oh, he has reformed I 
 
 Miss Flukins. Until he is again tempted. — Mr. Drayton 
 was fascinated by a " young man about town.," and a good 
 deal about town, because he is one of the " upper ten thou- 
 sand." 
 
 Drayton. [PoQnpously .] And learned me to parley vouse 
 fransy I 
 
 Miss Flukins. Yes, taught you to parlez-vous-fran^ais ! 
 Fray ton. Oh faight ! 
 
 Miss Flukins. Yes, oh faight I for sucli French, you are 
 indebted to his fondness for the ludicrous. 
 
 Drayton. Well, ain't that enough to justify a person for 
 committing a ii-\)etight fox pass ? 
 
 Miss Flukins. Mr. Townley, with his " you will drive me 
 to despair ; reject me, and I have nothing to hope for — to live 
 for" — wins the hand of his inamorata, and very soon ascer- 
 tains he can enjoy the society of gentlemen to a degree that 
 would have been considered magical eight months ago. 
 Toicnley. [Aside.] I'll not badger you again. 
 Miss Flukins. Mi.ss Sensitive, with an excruciating rever- 
 ence lor the aristocracy, is treated with very great disrespect, 
 by one of its most starchy members. 
 To'ivnley. How so? 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [Didignanthj.] He wanted to lide me — 
 me — Araminta Sensitive, upon — a — a — I can't enunciate 
 the horrible word ! 
 
 Drayton. Just hevings ! this puts me upon my qni vivre! 
 Miss Flukins. This police officer, it seems, pufls for hire, 
 and before arresting a culprit, inquires what ticket he votes. 
 Fhelini. Hear that, ye blathering spalpeen ! 
 
40 THE YOUNG MAN AEOUT TOWN. [ACT III. 
 
 Miss Flukins. And Phelim here. [PJwlhn 2?uUs his top- 
 knot, and favors the ground with a semi-circular scrape ivith 
 his right foot.] Although blessed with the privileges of a 
 freeman, trembles in the presence of nobihty, becaiise it as- 
 sumes a heavenly title. 
 
 Smelts. Hear that, you darn'd old Hessian ! Ketch a 
 nafrol born citizen of the all-firedest greatest country on the 
 universal airth, to git vdiite about the gills, in the presence 
 of all the lords you could stack on Uncle Tripe's pertater 
 patch I 
 
 Miss Flukins. Here you are, every one of you, successfully 
 arraigned, and the only plea you can offer, is the universal 
 fallibility of human nature. 
 
 Townlcy. In accepting the plea, I'must implore the clem- 
 ency of the court, \Bowing to the audience^ by promising 
 to discharge all my domestic obligations hereafter. I beg 
 leave to remind the beautiful and cultivated young ladies, who 
 so often honor us wdth their presence — for that you are beau- 
 tiful, any one will avsr, who has been — been favored with 
 your glances — and cultivated, because you — ^'ow — -patronize 
 this temple of the drama I Modest in me to say so, is it not ? 
 A declaration which you will, perhaps, excuse when reference 
 is made to this goodly company. [ Waves his hand to the 
 actors, iv^ho hoiu loiVy and erclaim, oh/] I must, then, ask 
 your permission to suggest,, when youy intended is enumera- 
 ting the world of extraordinary things he will guarantee to 
 you, after marriage, including diamonds, equipages, furniture, 
 and his tindying love, besides any number of excursions to 
 Europe, Washington and Saratoga, that you insist, as a con- 
 dition precedent, as we lawyers say, which means " be sure 
 you are right, then go ahead" — upon a promise that he will, 
 after the honeymoon, prefer your society to the club. I will 
 not guarantee that the pledge will not be violated, even if he 
 makes it ; but, in that event, you will have it in your power 
 to upbraid him, an advantage which the most amiable of your 
 sex might not wish voluntarily to surrender. 
 
 Virginia, I know, my fair friends \boivii2g to the audience^ 
 will suffer me to give them, a few words of advice. Perhaps 
 your husbands are not perfect ! — if they are, I hope you will 
 pardon me, for I mean no ofience — do not exact or expect too 
 much from them, for humanity cannot stand it. They may 
 laugh, but you have doubtless been convinced that I speak 
 
SCEXE v.] THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. 41 
 
 truly. Will them from their male associates by kindness — 
 you cannot force them — and amid all the " scenes' of domestic 
 life, remember that a soft answer turneth away wrath. You 
 may fasten them to your apron, if you please, but you must 
 not let them know it. They cannot all be attached with 
 strings ol' equal length ; some requiring long, and others short 
 ones ; but you can always accommodate them, as you will 
 then wear apron-strings that can be lengthened, or shortened, 
 as circumstances may require. 
 
 Miss Sensitive. [Also boiuing to the audience^ Husbands 1 
 do not forget that women are quite as much pleased with at- 
 tentions — from yourselves, of course — after marriage, as they 
 were in the halcyon days of courtship. Young men I the 
 maidens who blush at your approach, must not, hereafter, 
 keep Avatch through the tardy hours of the night, while you 
 are enjoying pleasures from which they are debarred. Resolve, 
 that whatever errors your fathers may have committed, those 
 gentle beings, who will soon place their happiness under your 
 control, shall never question the gallantry, or doubt the affec- 
 tion of — Young America ! 
 
 Miss Flukins. [Boiving to the audience.^ To all whom it 
 may concern, greeting : It is my deliberate opinion, that noble 
 impulses are not confined to any particular class of society. 
 The poor man, who delves in the earth, and only raises his 
 head to wipe the sweat from his aching forehead — and the 
 artisan, whose muscles are indurated in the cause of science 
 and of mechanism, are quite as often controlled by the dic- 
 tates of honor, as the nobler born, or more richly endowed. 
 
 Smelts. \^Boiv'ing to the audience^ I can't talk altogether 
 so spontaneous about noble impulses, as that thar lady, and I 
 shant attempt it ; but I should jist like tew know whether 
 you all vote our ticket. \yVaves his hand to the actors.^ 
 
 Phelim. Bad luck to the spalpeen, don't he k^ioiv yez all 
 vote our ticket, without baing so uncivil as to ax yez ? Hivent 
 we had de — mon — stra\i\e proofs, night after night, that you 
 are luith us ? 
 
 Drayton. I can't speak very sententiously about them 
 hiraglaphicks, called dictates of honor, fur I never acted as 
 second in but one duel, but I do know, that a man is mighty 
 small pertaters, and few in the hill, at that, unless he is oh 
 faight in fishionable society, to which he must have the enimy. 
 He must also conduct himself upon all extraneous occasions, 
 
42 THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT TOWN. [AcT III. 
 
 with the utmost negligee, and never commit a fox pass, by 
 attempting to parley vouse fransay, unless he can do it ctcmmy- 
 illfout. 
 
 END OF THE COMEDY. 
 
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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