19 NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. P5 ' 3amer'5 Edition or Pl7\y3 PICKING A WINNER Price, 25 Cents COPYRIGHT, 1888. BY WALTER H. BAKER ft OIK I H* lU* Pinero'$ Plays Price, Me UiUlUI ili^IW males. Oosfromes, modera; McneryttwolnW- cism. Plays two lioais acid « buM. THE fiAY LORD QUEX ^-JSiSll^tSkSlSSS?! tMRffry, two interiors and an extotor. Plays a fall evenixig. inc OAfTCC VM ADAITD Oomedy In Foiir Aetfi. Ninem&les, tllO ttUUdL in UIIUJCa four fAmales. Ck>8tuinee, modera; Boenery, three interiors. Plays a full evwiiig. ^ TflV7 UADHV UA9C17 Ooiaedy in Three Aots. Ten males, lll£i nyODl ElUlVDEi five fesn&les. Ooetnmes, modem) scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. TDI€ Drama in Fire Atits. Seven males, Seven females. Gostnmes, iKLj modem ; soenery, three interiors. Plays a fall eveniiig. I AHV PAffMTIITITI Pl&y In Fonr Aots. Eight males, seven iiAHI oUUniirUL femalee. Ck>sttLme8, modem; seen- ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. I mrV Drama in Fotir Aots and an Epilogue. Ten males, five LJEiI 1 1 famales. Oosttimes, modem; scenery oomplloated. Plays a fall evening. Tin? IffAnCTDAlT Faroe In Three Acts. Twelre males, Itlfi mAul>$ltiAI£i four females. Oostomes, modem; r, all Interior, Plays two hours and a half. Sent prepaid on receipt of price by WuUtv % Pafeer $c Compan? Ho. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts Picking a Winner A Farce in Three Acts By MacPHERSON janney Author of '''Mr. Kelley of Kalamazoo^' etc. NOTE The professional rights in this play are strictly reserved and application for the right to produce it should be made to the author in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it with- out payment of royalty on condition that the name of the author appears on all programmes and advertising issued in connection with such performances. BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1914 p^^.^^ Picking a Winner \^^ v CHARACTERS Sir Francis MacDonald, w/w wants Blanche. Count Alexandre, who wants Blanche s money. The Earl of Norton, also desirous of Blanche's coin. The Grand Duke Ruffievitch, equally keen after Blanche s wealth. Col. Arthur Hopkins, the police force of McNabb, Illinois. Fred "| Mervyn y three gilded youths. Frank J Hawkins, Lady Jajief s butler. Blanche Kane, an American heiress. Lady Janet MacDonald, Sir Francis aunt. IsABELLE Foster Olga Foster \ three Atnerican heiresses. Stella Foster SYNOPSIS Act I. The apartments of Lady Janet MacDonald in London. Act IL Blanche Kane's country house at McNafeb, lUinois. Act in. The same. Copyright, 1914, by MacPherson Janney As author atid proprietor All rights reserved g)Ci,D 37865 AUG 17 1314 Picking a Winner ACT I SCENE. — The apartments of Lady Janet MacDonald, in London. Large doorway back c. ; stnall doors back L., afid front R. Window back R. ; fireplace front L. Sofa and tea-table front r. \ table a7id chairs front l. (Lady J. is seated at the tea-table ; her nephew, Sir Francis MacDonald, is standing before her, watching the pouring process.^ Sir F. Yes. Three lumps. Lady J. {deliberately dropping three lumps in the cup^. My dear nephew, I'm greatly disappointed in you. Sir F. Why? Because I persist in taking three lumps? I know it isn't artistic. Lady J. Rubbish ! You know what I mean. (She hands him the cup.) Sir F. My dear aunt, marrying your Miss Kane isn't going to help matters. — Besides, I couldn't if I wanted to. She dis- approves of my title just as much as I disapprove of her wealth. Lady J. But, dear boy, that is mere negative prejudice. Think of the positive advantage. Sir F. Well, — I must admit Lady J. You would be the making of her, — and her money would put you as high in politics as you might wish to go. Sir F. {stirring his tea; 7neditatively'). Of course, any ethical views on the subject Lady J. Rubbish ! Sir F. of an arrangement so frankly mercenary Lady J. Rubbish ! Sir F. are superfluous, not to say lacking in tact. 4 PICKING A WINNER Lady J. My dear Francis, to be mercenary is to be fashion- able Sir F. You've been reading Shaw again ! Lady J. and being fashionable is synonymous with being successful Sir F. Pardon me ; — Oscar Wilde ! Lady J. and if you're a success in life, what more do you want ? Sir F. Well, I don't know. — I've never been a success in life, — on the best of evidence, that of my relatives ; — and I've always had an awfully good time at it, — also on the best of evidence, that of my friends. Lady J. And so I infer that your only object in life is to have a good time? Sir F. Certainly ! Lady J. You're hopeless ! Sir F. Hopeless ! — Flagrantly immoral, you mean, — by your tone ! — And yet you are the one trying to induce me to indulge in a " mariage de convenance " ! Lady J. It isn't simply a '•'■ mariage de convenance," it's a Great Opportunity. Sir F. Capital G, and capital O ? Lady J. A Great Opportunity. Sir F. But it isn't an Opportunity. It isn't even a possibil- ity. She wouldn't have me; I'm one of the despised nobility. Lady J. Rubbish ! Sir F. I'll admit they're that, but Lady J. If you'd only help me ! I could make her do anything ! She's a dear girl, impulsive, affectionate Sir F. And with skilful playing we could land her ?— Note my very apt choice of a piscatorial metaphor. Lady J. Ah ! You can't mean that Mr. Kane*s having been a wholesale sardine merchant has anything to do with your attitude? Don't you know Sir F. Stop ! — You're about to quote Ibsen to me ! I know it ! — And since I'm thoroughly acquainted with his theories on heredity Lady J. Well, I do hope that no nephew of mine will ever develop a streak of snobbishness. Sir F. Especially where a half a million sterling is in- volved? Dear me, no! Why, why should I be fussy? With an earl, a count and a grand duke as rivals Lady J. Francis ! Do you know, those terrible men have PICKING A WINNER 5 made my life a perfect nightmare of late? They're here "en masse " at least twice a day Sir F. And still she won't meet them ? Lady J. Thank heaven, she's given in al last ! This morn- ing she suddenly announced that if I'd have them all to tea this afternoon, she'd allow the introduction. That's why you're here. Sir F. To act as a shock absorber ? Lady J. Precisely. Sir F. And suppose she happens to fall in love with one of them ! You are imperiling my only chance for a life of ease and luxury. Lady J. We'll run the risk. — Ah, dear boy, if you'd only see it the way I do ! Sir F. No {Shakes his head slowly,) Lady J. Foolish boy ! Do you know, I believe that you cherish a dark suspicion that some day you're going to fall in love ! SirF. Capital L? Lady J. Yes ! That's what I think it is ! You're a senti- mentalist ! Sir F. You accuse me of that ! You, who read J. M. Barrie ! Lady J. Don't be impertinent ! At my age, it is per- missible to revel in the follies of youth. But even then, only on the printed page. To observe the spectacle of you in love would kill me ! Sir F. Really ? I think I would be rather good at it ! Lady J. Terrible ; perfectly terrible ! Do stop talking about so terrible a catastrophe ! Have another cup of tea ? Sir F. In view of impending events, — thank you ! (Hands her the cup.) How do you suppose she'll treat them ? Lady J. I'm sure I don't know. She announced her deci- sion so mysteriously that I fear the worst. — One, — two, — three ! Well, sugar is very nourishing, at least ! Sir F. Precisely. You see, with my nervous tempera- ment Lady J. Rubbish ! Who ever heard of a temperamental Scotchman ? Though your lack of shrewdness does proclaim you an outcast ! Francis, dear boy, just listen to my arguments 07ice more Sir F. No ! Not another word ! I refuse to desert my principles ! 6 PICKING A WINNER Lady J. Your prejudices, you mean ! Dear, dear ! Why won't you give in, — ^just occasionally? I give in to you, — occasionally ! For instance, I give in to you on the subject of three lumps of sugar in your tea, though it violates my whole code of moral ethics ! Sir F. Very sweet of you, I'm sure ! — No ! — No ! I swear to you, I meant no pun ! On my honor as a Scotchman ! Lady J. (risijig). Out upon you ! Away from my sight ! I disown you ! Forever and ever excommunicated ! — Gracious ! Sir F. {imploringly). But, my dear aunt ! Enter Blanche Kane, a handsome girl of twe?ity- eight, very fnodishly dressed, carrying a tall parasol. She surveys the scene before her in amazement, which turns to mock alarm. Blanche. Well ! Who'd have ever guessed it? The Clan MacDonald going into vaudeville ! My, my ! How the peer- age has got in dutch ! (^Comes forward.) Lady J. Blanche, dear, what do you mean ? Blanche. Goodness, isn't it a rehearsal? Don't tell me it's real ! An honest to hope to die scrap ? Sir F. No, my dear Miss Kane ; merely a case of mistaken intention. My beloved aunt thought that I was being humor- ous, — but I wasn't. Blanche. I'll bet you weren't ! Englishmen aren't humor- ous ; they're funny ! Sir F. Ah, but I'm not an Englishman ; I'm a Scotchman, you know ! Blanche. Oh, no, you're not ! Scotchmen wear kilty- kilties and bare knees, and say, *' Hoot, mon ! " I've never heard you say, " Hoot, mon ! " Sir F. I never do. It's considered obsolete. Blanche. Considered who ? Sir F. Old-fashioned. Blanche. I get you ! Sir F. But my clan has a ripping plaid. I'll wear it for you some time ! Blanche. Oooo ! — Help ! Chaperone ! Young man, if you wear any ripping plaids around where I am, you bring along a paper of safety-pins ! {To Lady J.) That's a good one ; watch him miss it ! (Sir F. laughs.) PICKING A WINNER 7 Lady J. Blanche, dear, you forget that my nephew is a confirmed cosmopolite; — that meaning, among other things, three years in your native country. I assure you, that in the realm of humor nothing, absolutely nothing, is beneath him 1 Blanche. Beneath him ? Well, I like that ! Pardon me, Mac ; it's auntie that doesn't appreciate really good stuff ! Lady J. There! I forgive you! You used ''doesn't" instead of '* don't," — I'll forgive even the safety-pins. You're improving, my dear I Come, have a cup of tea. Blanche. Oh, all right 1 I'm not proud ! Three lumps, dearie ! Sir F. Ah ? You evidently have the same theories as I on the subject of nutritive values. Blanche. The who ? Sir F. Nutritive values. Miss Kane, are arguments em- ployed by persons possessing what you would probably term a grouch on the meat trust. Blanche. You mean vegetarians ? In other words, nuts ? Sir F. Precisely ! Blanche. Hmm ! Well, I don't know anything about nutritive values, but sugar is certainly one grand little institu- tion ! It ain't never done me no harm ! Lady J. Blanche ! {She shudders in horror ; then passes the teacup,) Blanche. See? I thought I'd get a rise 1 The polisher polished ! Lady J. My dear, please don't do that again ! It — it makes me uncomfy ! Blanche, Reminds you of little Blanche as she was be- fore taking ? Very well ; we shall endeavor in the future to keep the asbestos dropped over my past ! I've got a lot to learn yet, though, haven't I? Lady J. Not so much. Not nearly so much as I have to learn from you ! Blanche. Oh, you're some little learner yourself ! The way you picked up the line of chatter a la Old New York was a caution ! But there's a lot more to come ! After you've gotten hep to the southern drawl I'll begin instructing you con- cerning the native tongue of that dear Chicago ! Lady J. I'm afraid that will prove my Waterloo I 8 PICKING A WINNER Blanche. Of course, you'll never be an expert. You don't practice enough. Sir F. Oh, but doesn't she ! I heard her mflicting her latest slang on Hawkins the other day; the poor man was positively pale with emotion ! Blanche. " 'Awkins," you mean ! Awful low-life, that man 'Awkins ! I was trying to teach him to say ** Ish ga bibble " the other day. — Say, it was a scream ! Lady J. Well, I must really visit you some time, so as to acquire the proper atmosphere. Blanche. That's right, dearie ! Atmosphere is our little specialty ! You will come ? Lady J. Most certainly ! Blanche. That's a promise, now ! I'm going to hold you to it ! Sir F. Won't you invite me, too? I've always stayed at hotels ; it's frightfully boring ! Blanche. Don't be arrogant about that, my son ! I never saw the inside of a real house till I saw this one ! Dad always fell for the table d'hote version of the simple Hfe. But when 1 get back, then I'm going to have some hoffie^ believe me ! Sir F. Complete with all modern improvements? Blanche. You bet ! And that reminds me, Janet ; I wish you'd capture a butler, a chef, and a chauffeur for me. The real thing, you know ; distinguished and foreign looking. Lady J. I'll do my best. You won't want them till you go? Blanche. But, dearest, that's just the point. I've got a great surprise for you ! This morning I suddenly came to the conclusion that (She pauses^ afid looks tnte?itly at Sir F.) Ooooh ! — Look ! Mac's in love ! Honest ! Look ; Exhibit A, he's got a hair cut; Exhibit B, he's got a new fancy vest ; Exhibit C Lady J. Blanche ! Blanche I For heaven's sake, don't embarrass the poor boy ! Sir F. No, don't ! You in your opulence can't realize that a modest quarterly allowance necessitates a life of some- what intermittent splendor. Blanche. Ooooh ! I've put my foot in it, you mean ! Honest, I'm sorry, old top ! I was poor but proud myself, once. And now look at me, putting one over on Solomon and all his glory, and getting fresh with the peerage besides ! (Hawkins enters and speaks to Lady J.) Say, if the social PICKING A WINNER 9 safe-crackers back in that dear Chicago knew that I was calling Sir Francis Macdonald by the first part of his last name, — honest, they'd croak ! Lady J. But I thought you objected so to the peerage ? Blanche. Not to associate with; — to marry, yes! {^To Sir F., suspiciously.) Say, you aren't trying to marry me, are you? Sir F. Heavens, no ! Blanche. Mmmmm ! — At least, you needn't have been quite so emphatic about it ! Lady J. Blanche, dear, Hawkins says that the deluge has arrived at last. Are you ready to receive it ? Blanche. What ! You mean the three noble wops that are out gunning for father's coin? Lady J. Yes, I suppose that's about the situation. Blanche. Good-night ! — Say, I'm losing my nerve ! Here, Mac ; we'll go shoot pool for a few minutes while Janet gets them draped on the furniture. Then I'll come in sudden and unexpected, and spring the Western lady staying at the Waldorf. Come ahead, Mac ! {They go out hack l.) Lady J. Show them up, Hawkins. (Hawkins goes out back c. ; Lady J. rearranges the tea- table.') Enter Count Alexandre, the Earl of Norton, and the Grand Duke Ruffievitch.^ RuF. {very suave and ingratiating ; sublime self control). Ah, gr-r-racious madame; gr-r-reetings ! Alex. Charme ! Charme ! — Ah ! Nor. Beastly weather, eh, Lady J. ? Lady J. It is rather bad, isn't it ? So nice of you all to come ! Alex. Mais oui ! We have decided to come — eh, bien ! — unanimously ! — Ah ! RuF. Even so, gr-r-racious lady ; in unity is str-r-rength ! Nor. Y' see, Lady J. — the weather and all — so beastly ! Thought we'd save cab- fare — all came together. — Beastly weather ! 1 Make-up Note. — Alexandre, brown Van Dyke, rather full ; Nor- ton, blond Dundrearies ; Ruffievitch, full square beard, very black. 10 PICKING A WINNER Lady J. Yes, it is bad ! Do have some tea ! Think what a terrible place London would be without afternoon tea ! I should die ! Let me see, Lord Kenneth, — strong, and without sugar ? Nor. Yes, by Jove ! So good of you ; this beastly weather, and all ! Lady J. And you, Count ? Do you always preserve the unities ? Alex. Mais oui ! Comme vous voulez ! Ah ! RuF. Unitas, gr-r-racious madame, unitas ! It is our eter-r-rnal vow ! Lady J. Ah ! Even in your ideas and thoughts, as in your actions ? For instance, in regard to my friend. Miss Kane ? RuF. Again, yes, gr-r-racious madame ! As one man, we ador-r-re Miss Kane ! Alex. Nous I'adorons ! Ah ! {Blows a kiss from his finger tips.") Nor. By Jove, yes ! We worship her, — dear girl ! Beastly weather, though ! Lady J. Such unanimity ! How touching ! You all love her ; all three of you ! And, I presume, all for the same reason ? RuF. R-r-reason, gr-r-racious madame 1 Alex. Parbleu ! De la cause ? — Ah ! Nor. Yes, by Jove ! Reason ? What reason ? Lady J. Why, yes ! Why do you all love her ? RuF. Gr-r-racious madame ; her beauty ! Alex. Sa charme ! — Ah I Nor. Ripping fine girl, y' know 1 RuF. Her style, her ar-r-ristocratic bear-r-ring I Alex. Eh bien 1 Quelle elegance 1 — Ah I Nor. Fine looker, y' know I RuF. Such personality 1 Such magnetism I Alex. Quelle esprit I — Ah 1 Nor. Cheerful disposition — must have that, y' know, — this beastly weather, and all ! RuF. Her brilliant conver-r-rsation ! Alex. Sa vivacite !■ — hh. ! Nor. High spirited, y' know ! RuF. Her dazzling American ways ! Lady J. And her dazzling American dollars ? PICKING A WINNER II RUF. Oh, gr-r-r-r-racions madame ! Alex. Pour le nom de Dieu ! — Ah ! Nor. Oh, I say ! RuF. You sur-r-rely cannot mean it ! Alex. Non ! Non ! Impossible ! — Ah ! Nor. Quite, — er, — quite, y' know — er — quite — quite ! Lady J. Oh, come now ! Come ! Confess ! Be frank with me ! The secret of why you wish to meet my friend is safely hidden away in a Chicago safe deposit vault ! That's it, isn't it ? Come ; tell the truth ! RuF. {after a pause ; impressively). Gr-r-r-racious ma- dame, I will ! — I will tell the truth ! — though it be the vilest tr-r-r-reacherrry ! My honor-r-r-r as aR-r-r-r-russian demands that I confess the tr-r-r-ruth ! Gr-r-racious madame, fr-rom the star-r-rt I have known that both of my comr-r-rades were inspir-r-red to this cause not by the tr-r-rue divine fire, but by base and mer-r-r-rcenary intentions, by a sor-r-rdid lust for gold ! I, I alone am disinter-r-r-rested ! I, I alone love her for herself ! Alex, {in wild excitement). Ah, sacre bleu ! Traitor ! Villain ! Ma chere madame, ca n'est pas vrai ! Moi, je I'aime ! Ah, que je I'adore ! Les autres, — ah, canailles ! They only seek her money ! Peegs ! — Ah I Nor. Oh, I say, old chap ! That's a bit strong, y' know ! Especially when you're telling such a whopper ! All bally rot, y' know ! You and the Duke. Why, all along you never had a thought except for the dear girl's bank account ! Dear girl ! Jolly well imposed upon ! But it's all right, Lady J. ; I love the dear girl, bless her ! Why — do you think Pd have come out in this beastly weather if I didn't? Lady J. My ! You are unanimous, aren't you ? Well, Pm afraid since the odds are two to one against each of you, why, PU have to accept the verdict of the majority. Let's see, a sum total of six votes to three against true love ! Isn't that pretty conclusive ? RuF. Gr-r-r-racious madame, you are too clever ! You should have been a Russian ! Alex. Diable, non ! You should haf been a French- woman, a Parisienne ! Ah ! Nor. Well, now, isn't it topping that you're neither, but a loyal Englishwoman instead ! I say, by Jove ! Lady J. Wrong again, my Lord ! Pm Scotch, and canny Scotch at that ! You see, it's this way ! You're all after Miss 12 PICKING A WINNER Kane's fortune, aren't you? {All nod eagerly.) Well and good; may the best man win! But don't you think that I should come in for a share of the spoils, since I am the one to Introduce her to you ? Don't you think that I deserve to share with the winner, — on a commission basis, let us say ? RuF. Upon my soul ! Alex. Diable ! — Ah ! Nor. Oh, I say ! Lady J. Because, if we can arrange something like that, why, I'll join the confederacy, and just think what a help that would be ! RuF. I am done ! Alex. Pour le nom de Dieu ! — Ah ! Nor. Upon my word ! Lady J. Come, is it a bargain ? Ten per cent, of the mar- riage settlement, if any one of you carries off the lady ! That's fair, isn't it ? RuF. Gr-r-r-racious madame, it is more than fair ! It is gr-r-r-r-rand ! Alex. Magnifique 1 Magnifique 1 — Ah ! Nor. Oh, I say, Lady J. ! You can't mean it ! Lady J. Every word of it ! Does it suit your taste ? Nor. {explosively). Upon my word, no ! By Jove, I con- sider it a beastly disgrace that two members of the British no- bility should stoop to barter and bargain about an affair of the heart ! Deuced vulgar, I call it ! RuF. My dear-r-r fellow, you have no cause to be anxious I The loss of that little ten per-r-rcent. need not worry you ; be- cause, you see, / will be the one to lose it I Ha, ha, ha ! Alex. Sacre, non ! C'est moi ! Moi ! Allons ! Moi;je I'epouserai ! Diable, chere madame, if it is / who win her, you shall \\2iVQ fifteen percent. ! Lady J. Come, that's the idea ! Competition is the soul of trade ! Now ; who bids higher ? RuF. Alas ! We have a financier-r-r-r in our midst ! Twenty per cent. ! Alex. Diable ! Twenty-five ! RuF. Thirty ! Alex. Thirty-five ! RuF. Forty ! Alex. Fifty !— Ah ! RuF. {bowing). Monsieur, I see you are more than a financier ; you are a poker player ! I surrender ! PICKING A WINNER 13 Alex. Ah-ha ! Et vous, Milord ? Nor. Not one per cent. ! Not one-half of one per cent. ! Not Upon my word, Lady J., I'm deeply grieved at your action ! I — I'm tempted to withdraw my offer, — what with the beastly weather, and all ! Lady J. I'm so sorry. Lord Kenneth ! But I'm sure that nothing that I could do could add anything to your chances ! And now, may the best man win ! ( Goes to the door back l. ; calls.) Blanche! Oh, Blanche, dear! Won't you come to tea? My friends have arrived! (Blanche enters the room slowly and loftily ; Sir F. follows her. She produces a lor- gnette^ afid proceeds to use it.) Blanche, dear, let me present Lord Kenneth, Earl of Norton. Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! Lady J. And his highness, the Grand Duke Ruffievitch. Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! Lady J. And Count Alexandre, — Miss Kane I Blanche. Charmed ! — Charmed, I'm sure ! A descend- ant, I presume, of the well-known grater ? Alex. Eh, bien I Q'est que c'est, Mademoiselle? Blanche. What I Don't you know ? Alexander the Grater ? Most interesting man ! Most interesting ! You should pursue the page of history. Count 1 Most interesting, — history ! — Most, most interesting I Alex. Par bleu ! Blanche. And instructive I Most, most instructive I RuF. Ah ! Then r-r-r-rumor is at fault ? The American young lady does after all relish the intellectual ? Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Yes ! Rumor is at fault, very, very much at fault ! So careless of rumor ! — Dear me, yes ! Of course we American gells relish the intellectual ! Dear, dear, dear me ; how we relish it ! RuF. And the arts, — music, painting, sculpture, — I presume you patronize the arts ? Blanche. Oh, yes ! Now and then — principally then ! RuF. And the dr-r-rama? You are a student of the dr-r-r-rama ? Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! I'm strong for the dr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rama ! Nor. By Jove, but you are a jolly sort, though ! But I say, now; the intellectual life isn't the only thing you go in for, is it ? How about the life in the open, now ; the sporting life? 14 PICKING A WINNER Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Of course ! C^r-tainly ! That's my "piece de resistance," — the sporty life ! I'll try anything once ! Nor. By Jove, ripping ! Ripping 1 — And you follow the hounds? Blanche. Follow the who ? Nor. The hounds, y' know ! Blanche (Jo Lady J.). He's trying to say, "What d'y mean, y' lost y'r dog?" — Oh, yes! Dear me, yes! Howl do love the life in the open air, the rustling leaves, the purling brook, the twittering birds, — oh, dear vie^ yes ! I am certainly strong for dear old nature ! RuF. Ah ! The soul of poesy ! Blanche. The soul of who ? RuF. The lyric muse, the Spirit of Ancient Greece ! That is your spirit ! Blanche. Oh, dear me, yes ! Ancient Greece ! Dear old ancient Greece ! Oh, yes, indeed ; I'm strotig for ancient Greece ! Alex. Ah, mon Dieu ! Vraiment? L' esprit de I'ancienne! Ah, miraculeuse ! Mademoiselle, est ce possible que vous aimez bien les memes choses que j'aime? C'est vrai ! C'est vrai ! Nous sommes affinites ! — Ah I Blanche {severely). Young man, do I get you? Do I solve your delivery ? Because if you said affinities y — and meant affinities Alex. Oui, oui ! C'est vrai ! Nous sommes affinites I — Ah! Blanche. Enough ! That's enough ! Janet, come here I The peerage will pardon us. Janet, dearie, this settles it ! This morning I began to think that I'd like to spend Christmas at home, — and now I'm sure of it ! I didn't tell you, because I was afraid you'd weep on my shoulder, and make me weaken. But now a Niagara of tears wouldn't budge me ! Tell 'Awkins to bring down my things ; they're already packed. I've just thirty-eight minutes before my train leaves. Lady J. Blanche ! You can't mean it ! Blanche. Yes, dearie; I'm so sorry ! But you know that I'd never succeed in tearing myself away from you except by bolting this way ! (Hawk, enters back c.) 'Awkins, you may bring my things down now. (Hawk, bows a fid goes out.) PICKING A WINNER I5 Lady J. But — but Blanche. Dearie, you're not angry, are you ? Lady J. No, — only terribly disappointed ! And — and Blanche. It's all right ! You're coming to visit me for all of June, the best month of the year at home ! And you'll bring your nice nephew along ! Will you come ? Lady J. Yes, dearest ; of course 1 {Kisses her. Hawk. enters with luggage. ) But — but \She looks at the three suitors, then looks suddenly back at Hawk., who is just going out.) Blanche ! What about the servants you asked me to get for you ? Blanche. The sure and certain signs of snobbishness? Oh, send them on the next boat. Lady J. Suppose I could get them now ? Blanche. That would be fine ! Can you ? Lady J. I don't know. I'll try. Quick; take the men, and go into the library ! {To the others.) Oh, don't you all want to see the library? Miss Kane will show it to you ! RuF. Gr-r-racious madame, delighted ! Alex. Char me ! Char me ! — Ah ! Nor. Oh, I don't mind ! Blanche. All right, come ahead ! This way ! You know, as Ibsen once said to me {They all go out back c, except Lady J.) Enter Hawk., with more luggage. Lady J. Hawkins ! Didn't you tell me that you were once a barber ? Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! Lady J. Have you still got your razors and so forth ? Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! Lady J. Then fetch them quickly ! And be ready to do some lightning work ! (Hawk, goes out ; Lady J. goes to the door back c, and calls off stage.) Oh, Duke Ruffievitch; won't you come here just a moment } Enter Ruf. RuF. Your ser-r-rvant, gr-r-racious madame ! Lady J. Your Highness, you are in earnest about winning Miss Kane's hand ? RuF. Yes, yes ! Lady J, You dare risk everything on one throw ? l6 PICKING A WINNER RuF. Madame, I am a R-r-r-r-russian ! Lady J. Then listen ! As yourself, you will never succeed in winning her ; she abhors titles ! But if you could discard your title, appear under another name — ; — Tell me j can you run an automobile ? RuF. Yes ! I am an expert ! E?iter Hawk. , carrying a satchel. Lady J. Good ! Miss Kane starts home for America in ten minutes — a sudden decision. She needs a chauffeur — dis- guise yourself; I will vouch for you. Apply for the position, and return with her to America ! RuF. Upon my soul ! Why — why ! By heaven, I will ! But the disguise? Lady J. Here ! I have arranged everything. Hawkins, take this gentleman into the billiard room. You must work quickly — leave only the mustache. Now, hurry, hurry ! RuF. But— but Hawk. This way, sir ; — this way ! (^He hurries him i?ito the billiard-room off back l. Lady J. runs into the hallway, afid returns with a huge fur auto- mobile coat, ivhich she tosses into the billiard-room ; then goes to the door and calls off stage.) Lady J. Oh, Count Alexandre ! Will you please come here for a moment ? Alex. Oui, madame, oui ! (^He comes in running.) A votre service ! Lady J. Monsieur ! You know how to cook ? Alex. Mais oui, madame ! Oui, oui ! Lady J. Well ? Like an expert ? Alex. Comme un chef ! Lady J. Splendid ! And you love Miss Kane ? You wish to marry her? Alex. Ah, madame ; oui ! oui ! — Ah ! (^Blows a kiss from his finger tips.) Lady J. You would do anything to win her ? Alex. Oui ! Oui ! Lady J. You would run any risk ? Alex. Madame 1 I am a Frenchman. PICKING A WINNER 1 7 Lady J. Then listen ! Miss Kane has suddenly decided to return to America. — Now ! within ten minutes she will Start. — And if she goes, your last chance vanishes. Alex. Mais oui ! Sacre ! Lady J. But wait ! She needs a chef. She has asked me to get one for her ! This is my plan : you shall disguise your- self, and return to America with her as her chef ! And if you do not win her heart by your cooking, you will never win it ! Alex. Ah ! Parbleu ! C'est magnifique ! But the dis- guise ! She will recognize me ! Lady J. Oh, no, she won't ! {Calls off stage y l.) Hawk- ins ! Are you through ? Hawk, {entering with a wad of black hair in one hand, a razor in the other). One second, ma'am. {He goes back.) Lady J. Hurry, hurry ! My butler is an expert barber. He will make another man of you in a trice ! {Enter Hawk., wiping the blood from his razor.) Here he is ! Quick ; into the dining-room ! When he is finished with you, go look in the butler's pantry ; you will find a complete chef's equipment ; it is yours ! Now, hurry, hurry ! Hawkins, a mustache, and goatee, — like this. (She makes a gesture.) Hawk. Yes, ma'am ! This way, sir ! (He hurries Alex, out r.) Lady J. (calling off stage back c). Lord Kenneth, oh, Lord Kenneth ! Just a moment, please. Nor. (entering; ct bit irritated). I say, what is this? A game ? Lady J. No, no ! Listen ! I have bad news for you ! Miss Kane is returning to America, now — within ten minutes ! Nor. Oh, I say ! — In this beastly weather ? Lady J. Of course you'll follow her ? Nor. Why— er By Jove, Lady J., I' ir confess. 1 haven't got a bally shilling to do it with. Lady J. But if your expenses were all paid, and you were sure of a weekly salary in the bargain ? Nor. By Jove, of course I'd go. Lady J. You'd be wiUing to take a big risk? Nor. Madame, I am an Englishman ! Lady J. Then listen ! I have a plan ! Miss Kane needs a butler ; suppose you disguise yourself, and I will get her to give you the position. Then you can go with her to America. l8 PICKING A WINNER Nor. Oh, but I say ! Lady J. Don't you see ? — Make yourself indispensable to her by the care you take of her household, — and then marry her! Nor. But, by Jove, — my name ! — my position ! Lady J. Rubbish ! What if you are in the peerage ? That's one of the very reasons why she wouldn't have you ; she hates the idea of a title. Come — show your sporting blood. Nor. By gad !— I'll do it ! Enter Hawk., wiping his razor. Lady J. Good ! Quick, Hawkins ! Make his lordship into a butler, quick, quick ! {She pushes Nor. backtvard into a Morris chair^ and Hawk, pounces upon him.) Nor. But, I say ! Hawk. Kindly not talk, sir ! {His scissors ^^ snip^ snipt snip.*') Lady J. Hurry, hurry ! Nor. But I say ! Hawk. Gently, sir ; gently ! ( Waves the lather brush.) Lady J. Only a moment left ! Do hurry ! Nor. But I — ouch ! Hawk. Sorry, sir ; just a minute, sir I There ! {He turns to Lady J. triiwiphantly ; Nor. rises. His ^^ Dundrearies'' have become mutton chops, and his left cheek is bleeding profusely.) Lady J. Quick, change coats with Hawkins ! {They cha?7ge coats.) Now go, Hawkins ! Quickly ! She's coming ! (Hawk, goes out, as Blanche afid Sir F. enter. They are both ready to leave.) Blanche. Dearie, I must start, really. Mac's going to see me off. Lady J. Oh, dear ! I hate to let you go. {Kisses her.) But at least I've done as you asked me. This is Henry, your new butler, Blanche. 'Enry for short, I suppose I Well, he's certainly PICKING A WINNER I9 aristocratic looking {aside to Lady J.) — even if he can't shave straight. Lady J. I'm sure he'll give satisfaction. Blanche. Oh, he'll do ! — And the others ? Lady J. They'll come with him to the train, and bring your luggage. Blanche. Good I Thanks so much, dearie. And now I tmtst be off. Lady J. Yes, I suppose so. i^They go to the door.) Henry, you'll find Heinrich, Miss Kane's chauffeur, in the billiard-room, and Henri, her chef, in the dining-room. Get them, and come with the luggage to the station at once. Nor. Yes, lady, — ma'am. {The others go out; Nor. looks around him, then goes to the door l. ; raps on it.) I say, in there I You, Heinrich ! Come along ; we're starting. ( Crosses to door r. ; raps on it. ) I say, there, you bally Frenchman, Henri ! This way, and be quick about it ! My word ! {He grabs up a suit-case in each hand, and starts for the door back c, as Ruf. and Alex, eiiter ; they are trans- formed, also badly cut.) Be quick, now ! This beastly luggage must be at the station in five minutes ! {The others seize the rest of the luggage, dash back stage, and come face to face.) Alex. Pour le nom de Michael ! (Nor. turns in amazement ; all three gaze at one another ; the luggage drops to the floor with a thud.) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE.— Blanche's country place at McNabb, III. A hand- somely and tastefully furnished room. Large open door opening into garden back l. ; small doors r. and l. Table and chairs R. ; large Morris chair l. Several large pictures depicting hunti?ig scenes ; other decorations to prove that it is the country mansion of a wealthy woman of fashion, (Nor. and Alex, are discovered in their liveries, seated by the table , with their feet on it, reading magazines. RuF. is lounging in the Morris chair l. , smoki?ig a huge cigar. After a momejit Col. Arthur Hopkins, a seedy looki?ig ifidividual wearing a derby hat and a roving eye, comes into sight in the gardefi ; he peers into the room, then coughs loudly; the three nobletnen incognito come suddenly to attention ; Hop. turns his back, stretches and yawns at some length, the?i strolls out of sight.) Alex. Diable ! Cet imbecile la. Toujours lui. — Ah ! RuF. My dear-r-r fellow, why be annoyed ? He seems to be easily enough gotten r-r-rid of ! Nor. By Jove, I wish he'd stay gotten rid of. The weather's too beastly hot to be chasing him off all the time. Alex. Ah, oui, oui ! C'est tres chaud ! Et dans la cuisine ! — Ah ! RuF. Ah, yes. You are r-r-rather badly off. As for me, since Miss Kane learned to r-r-run the machine her-rself, I have been a gentleman of leisure. Nor. My word, I wish I could say the same ! The con- founded guests are forever thinking of things for me to do. By Jove, I believe they know who I am, and are taking ad- vantage of the opportunity to be waited on by a peer of the realm ! And in this beastly hot weather, too ! RuF. Noblesse oblige, my fr-r-r-reind. But none of us have any reason to complain of our positions here. Upon my wor-r-rd, I've never been more comfortable in my life. Nor. But, by Jove, none of us seems any nearer to getting the girl than we were six months ago. 20 PICKING A WINNER 21 Alex. Sacre, non ! La belle mademoiselle ! — Ah ! RuF. Patience, my fr-r-reinds, patience ! Some fine day she will r-r-run the automobile into a br-r-r-rick wall, — and I will save her life ! Then out of gr-r-r-ratitude she will marry me ! {The others growl.) But do not fear, my fr-r-reinds; when I assume the reins of the household, you shall both be reappointed ! Ha, ha, ha! {The others growl agaiii ; Hop. strolls into sight.) Ah ! The mysterious gentleman again ! — Well ! He's coming in. Enter Hop. ; looks about him shrewdly, and coughs. Hop. Hmmmruh ! — Mornin' \ Nice mornin' 1 RuF. You have said it, my fr-r-reind ! An admir-r-r-rable morning ! Hop. Yep ! Nice mornin' ! Hmmmmmmmruhhh ! {To Alex.) Nice mornin' ! Alex. Oui, oui ! Parbleu, quel imbecile ! — Ah ! Hop. (cheering up ; brightly). Y-e-s, 'ndeed ! Nice mornin' ! Y-e-s, 'ndeed ! {Takes out a note-book and makes an entry.) Hmmmmmruhhhhhhhhh ! {To Nor.) Nice mornin' ! Nor. Oh, by Jove, if you insist, y' know, I think it's a beastly morning ! Too bally hot, y' know ; no comfort at all ! Beastly morning ! Hop. W-a-1, now I de-clare ! {Makes an entry in the note- book ; in a whisper to RuF.) Furriners, ain't they ? RuF. They are not Amer-r-r-ricans, if that is what you mean. Hop. Yep ; that's what I mean ! RuF. But neither am I an Amer-r-r-rican. Hop. What, you a furriner? Why, — you don't talk furrin ! RuF. Ah, that is because the people of my nation are all per-rfect linguists. I am a R-r-r-r-russian ! (Hop. jumps.) Hop. Eh I A Roosian ? Say, have you ever threw a bomb? RuF. No, my fr-r-r-reind. Hop. Have you ever been sent to Siberia ? RuF. Never-r-r-r-r-r-r 1 22 PICKING A WINNER Hop. Then I don't believe you're a Roosian I I know, by Sherlock I I've seed Roosians, — in the movies 1 — /know 1 RuF. {bowing). I am gr-r-r-r-r-rieved to disappoint you I Hop. Yep 1 You're a faker, by Sherlock 1 But them two, — they're furriners, all right. They talk furrin. — I know I (^Goes close to Alex.) Good-day, — Count 1 Alex, {in great astonishment^ Eh I Diable I Q'est que c'est?— Ah 1 Hop. Ah-ha 1 {Makes an entry.) I said you were French. — I know, by Sherlock 1 {Goes close to Nor.) Good-day, — Duke I Nor. {jumping). My word 1 My word I But I say, y* know, I'm not a duke; I'm a {At an imperative stgnfrofn RuF. he is suddenly silent.) Hop. Eh? Not a duke, eh? Wal, I de-clare; another faker, by Sherlock I But you're English, ain't you ? — / know ! Nor. Oh, but by Jove {At a sign from Ruf. he pauses.) Hop. Now, don't deny it. You can't fool me, by Sher- lock 1 — /knowl (7> Ruf.) Good-day, — faker! — Ha, ha, ha I {Goes to the door ; tur7is.) /know 1 — Ha, ha, ha I {He goes out.) Alex. Sacre 1 Je suis decouvre 1 — Ah ! Nor. By Jove, is it possible? And might I ask, why wouldn't you let me tell the blighter my proper title? Ruf. Ah, my fr-r-r-reinds 1 Do you not see? He is a de- tective; he recognized your nationality, and tried by adr-r-ress- ing you by a title to sur-r-rpr-rise you into betraying your posi- tion in the peer-r-rage. Alex. Diable I Nor. But, by Jove, I can't account for a beastly detective wanting to find out my rank I I haven't committed any bally crime 1 Ruf. My fr-r-r-reind, no one ever-r-r can account for any- thing that a detective ever-r-r-r wants to find out 1 You would know that if you were a R-r-r-r-russian. Nor. But, by Jove 1 Ruf. Shhhhh I PICKING A WINNER 23 (Hop. strolls into sight, coughs, turns his backy and stretches Jiinisclf as before ; then strolls off.') Nor. My word I I wonder how long the fellow's going to keep this up? Alex. Ah, mon dieu I L' imbecile I J' enrage 1 — Ah 1 RuF. Oh, we can complain to Miss Kane. But if she should learn that he was interested in us professionally Nor. Why, we'd all be jolly well shipped 1 Alex. Ah 1 Terrible I RuF. That would be most inconvenient 1 On the other hand Nor. By Jove I Shhhh I (Hop. enters, repeats the fore- going business, ajid goes off.) Oh, I say, this gets jolly well on one's nerves, y' know. What with the beastly weather, and all I Alex. Diable, oui I Venez done avec moi ; je vous feral un petit '' mint julep." Hein? Nor. Topping ! Topping 1 By Jove, quite an idea I RuF. Monsieur Henri, you are a man of supr-r-r-r-reme genius. We follow you. Alex. AUons I Tout de suite I {They go off r. ; Hop. e titers and looks around him care- fully ; an auto horn is heard in the distance. Hop. takes a sfjiall object resembling a telephone tra?ismitter, to which is attached a long wire, from his pocket. He climbs on a chair, and endeavors to fasten the contrivance behind one of the pictures on the wall. His legs become enta?t- gled in the ivire, and he falls, carrying the picture with him. At this minute Blanche, Lady J., and^i^ F. en- ter, the last two weariftg traveling costumes, and carry- ing suit-cases.) Blanche. Gracious heavens ! A man 1 — Police 1 — Mur- der I — Help I {She comes resolutely forward, and pulls Hop. to his feet by the ear.) Now, old scout, make your exit with grace and rapidity ; and hereafter leave my Mona Lisas alone. Hop. Wal, by Sherlock 1 1 reckon I'll git out if I please. Blanche. Yes, yes? Well, you'd better please in short order, or else the McNabb police force will receive an unex- pected gift, postage prepaid. Hop. Oh, no, 'twon'tl I'm the McNabb police force m'self I {He shows a sheriff's star.) 24 PICKING A WINNER Blanche. Well 1 And what is that busy organization doing butting around my ancestral mansion ? Hop. Oh, 1 ain't the police force except in office hours. Just now Tm a private detective gatherin* evidence. Blanche. Well, you won't gather anything except dust be- hind that picture. Now cough it up ; just what are you trying to spring on me ? Hop. Wal, see that ? (^He shotvs the mysterious instru- me tit. ~) Wal, that's a dictagraph, by Sherlock 1 I'm a scien- tific detective, I am. And I was just planting it where it would do the most good, when the dern picture wire broke. Blanche. Well, I don't care to have any dictagraphs planted around promiscuous on the premises. We might have soup for dinner. So scat, Mr. Detective ! Hop. {after a meditative pause). Wal, I s'pose I'll have to do without that air evidence. But I'll win out yet, by Sher- lock 1 Good-day ! Good-day I (^He goes to the door and turns.) Nice mornin*, ain't it? Good-day! {He goes out.) Blanche. Good-night 1 My dears, you have no idea what an awful bunch of rubes hang out around this joint. Lady J. Blanche 1 Your vocabulary has suffered a painful reversion to type. Blanche. Can't help it, my dear 1 The rest of this little house party consists mainly of three most completely slangy young gentlemen whose main purpose in life is to lend mental, moral and financial support to our great national game. But say, why, for the love of Mike, should we be also afflicted with a rube detective ? Lady J. But where are my three proteges ? Surely they can't be very capable if Blanche. Good 1 That's the very thing. I haven't had a chance to blow them up for a week. I will now descend to the lower regions and give the peerage what is technically known as hell. By the way, they don't know you're coming. I wanted to surprise them. Lady J. How thoughtful of you I Blanche. Dear me, yes 1 So I got your rooms ready myself. You're at the head of the stairs on the first floor, Janet, and Mac's way at the top, in the tower. Now run along, while I step on the toes of the nobility 1 That door, over there. And come down soon. {She runs out.) Lady J. The same Blanche I Sir F. Thank heaven I PICKING A WINNER 25 Lady J. Thank heaven I Sir F. Why, yes. I can like her, can't I, without marry- ing her ? Lady J. I suppose so. But you're the great disappoint- ment of my old age. Come along with you 1 {She goes out l., followed by Sir F. ; he forgets one of the suit-cases. Hop. sticks his head in the door, looks around, then enters. He is in the act of plantijig his dictagraph behind another picture, wJien Sir F. appears looking for the other suit-case. He seizes the detective by the back of the neck, and pulls him off the chair.) Sir F. You here again ? Hop. {defiantly). That I be, by Sherlock 1 Young feller, I ain't only scientific ; I'm determined an' dauntless. — That's me I By Sherlock I Sir F. Well, Miss Kane doesn't want you loafing around here ; so run along somewhere else with your science and de- termination. Hop. Oh, all right I I reckon I'll have to do without that air evidence. Good-day 1 {He goes to the door^ and turns.) Nice mornin*, ain't it? Good-day ! {He goes out ; Sir F. picks up the suit-case ^ and starts to go.) Enter Blanche. Blanche. Well, I've squelched the peerage. What do you think ? Those bums had the nerve to complain that they'd been annoyed by Slinky Bill the Boy Sleuth 1 Sir F. Well, maybe they had been. The gentleman is an enterprising soul ; I just had to throw him out again. Blanche. Well, the nerve of him I Sir F. He was trying to plant his infernal machine under another picture. Blanche. The nerve I Well, if he tries it again, I'll sic the baseball bugs on him. They're always talking about beat- ing up people. I'll tell them he's an ex-umpire. Sir F. Then your other guests are athletic ? Blanche. Only skin deep. Say, Mac, that's one reason why I'm so glad you're here. I'm simply dying to be trimmed by a man at tennis, — trimmed bad ! Sir F. So 1 But if you're such a star that you're unbeat- able, 1 don't see what good I'll do. L 26 PICKING A WINNER Blanche. Me a star ? Nix ! But father's well-known coin has a decided psychological effect on most of the men I play tennis with. They all possess the hunch that if they let me beat them it puts their batting average up about thirty points. Sir F. Well, I'll try. I was a fair player at Oxford. Blanche. Good work, old top I Come along ; we've time for a couple of sets before lunch. Are you game ? Sir F. Game is the word. Blanche. Then Til meet you here in fifteen minutes. And if you dare let me win a {At this 7novie7it a huge St. Ber- nard makes his appearance at the entrance back l., evidently propelled by a hidden force ifi the garden.) Oh 1 there's Billy. Here, Billy, come here. Isn't he a beauty? Sir F. By George, but he is that 1 Blanche. He's a wonder, all right. At the Chicago Ken- nel Club last year Sir F. Why 1 Look I {He points to something attached to Billy's collar ; it is the dictagraph, wire and all.) Shhhhhh I (He places his hand over the instrument.) When I finish speaking say, ''AH right," then pull the wire till something happens. {Removes his hand.) Say, but he is a beauty I Can't we go down in the kitchen and get him a bone or some- thing ? Blanche. All right ! Let's ! {She begins to draiv iti the wire slowly ; Sir F. goes back stage and ivatches through the folds of the curtains ; sud- denly he springs forward, and drags Hop. into the room.) Hop. By Sherlock I Sir F. I thought I told you to stay away from here. Hop. By Sherlock ! And that was the most scientific idea I've had for a month. Wal, the best of plans must fail, you know. Guess I'll have to do without that evidence. Good- day 1 Good-day! {Goes to the door ; turtis.) Nice mornin', ain't it? Good-day I {He goes out.) Sir F. Well, by George ! Blanche. Well, I never I The nerve of that gink I Sir F. You'll have to get the great national game after him. Blanche. I sure will. Thank heaven ! It's going to be of some use at last. Honest, Mac, it's great to have you and Janet here. After the bunch I've been stranded with here for PICKING A WINNER 27 the last few weeks Oh, well, wait till you meet them 1 Now hurry and dress ; — meet you here when you're ready. Sir F. All right I And prepare to be trimmed. Blanche. You bet I {They go out R. ajid L. After a moment Hop. sticks his head in ; then enters, a?td succeeds in plantiiig the dicta- graph behind a picture. He hears some ojie coming through the garden ; dashes around distractedly for a mitiuie, then boldly ivalks out of the door back stage, stretches and yaivns ivith obvious uncoticern, afid strolls away as Isabelle, Olga and Stella Foster enter through the door from which he has Just made his exit.) Isa. {flouncing into a chair ; tearfully^. Oh, dear / Olga {flouncing into another chair ; more tearfully'). I think it's perfectly dreadful ! Stella {flouncing into a third chair ; still more tearfully) So AoW Isa. Baseball I Olga. Baseball I Stella. Baseball ! Isa. For three whole miles I Olga. For three whole hours ! Stella. Oh, gracious ! I could cry ! {She does so.) Isa. Here they come ! Olga. Don't pay any attention. Stella. No ! {They compose themselves ; voices raised in strenuous argu- ment are heard off stage ; enter Fred, Mervyn and Frank.) Frank. Not a chance ! If St. Louis had Tinker and Walter Johnson they couldn't finish better than fifth ! Mer. What ! Why, last year Johnson pitched thirty-seven games and won Fred. Rats ! Rats ! If it hadn't been for Frank. Where do you suppose they could find a catcher to hold his speed in that Mer. Why, you're crazy ! If Tinker got a chance to Fred. Rats ! Rats ! Do you suppose that Frank. Besides, he's getting old, and & Mer. But if they'd only let Johnson 28 PICKING A WINNER Fred. Rats! Rats! You don't know what you're talk- ing about. Why, if any of those poor {Sees the girls ; pauses.^ Oh, here you are ! My, what was all the hurry about ? {JSFo a?iswer ; the three girls grab up books and maga- zines, and turn their backs.) Well, say ! Mer. (/// a whisper'). What's up ? Are they sore at any- thing ? Frank. Looks like it. Fred. Rats ! Just pretend you don't notice it. {Crosses the room ; in a cheerful, breezy tone.) Say, Olga, it's a fine morning. How about a little tennis ? I'll bet you a box of Huyler's against a {At the continued silence his nerve gives way.) Ugh 1 I resign I Mer. What do you suppose it is? Frank. Don't know. Let's find out. {hi a brisk, busi- nesslike way.) Say, Isabelle, nothing wrong, is there? Be- cause, if we've done anything, y' know — er — a — ^just tell us, and — er — a — why, we'll be only too glad to — er — a — er — do anything, y' know, to — er — er — a {Gives up in despair.) Ouch! Mer. Well, something is wrong, that's evident. Fred. Rats ! What do you suppose it is ? Mer. Search me ! At any rate, we're in dutch ; we'll have to kid them out of it. Come ahead. ( Crosses and sits 071 the arm of Stella's chair ; coaxijigly.) Say, Stella, I'm awfully sorry for whatever I've done; won't you forgive me, just this once? Frank {leaning ofi the back of IsA.^s chair). Yes, Isabelle, won't you ease up this time? We don't want to have a row, you know ; we couldn't have any fun then ! Fred {sitting down on the floor at Olga's feet). Rats, no ! — Aw, come ahead, Olga ; tell us what's wrong ! I'll let you beat me a dozen sets of tennis straight if you'll forgive me. Mer. Stella, won't you tell me what's wrong? Frank. You might at least give us the chance to apologize. Fred. Rats, yes ! I've got a beautiful apology all ready to spring. Mer. You know, I think an awful lot of you, Stella. Frank. If you'll just tell me what to say. Fred. Why, rats I Olga, I'd do anything for you. Mer. Come ahead, be a good fellow. Frank. You're such a good sport, Isabelle, if you'll only PICKING A WINNER 2<) Enter Yiov., full of righteous anger. Hop. Say 1 Do you call that evidence ? By Sherlock, I don't I Mer. What the ? Frank. How in thunder ? Fred. Rats I Who in Pete's name are you ? Hop. Me? I'm Col. Arthur Hopkins, scientific private detective de luxe, and a peck of dern fools is spoilin* my plans. Mer. Who do you mean? Hop. I mean you, by Sherlock ! My sakes, what all I've had to listen to the last few minutes ! Frank. Well, that's your own fault. You needn't have listened. Fred. Rats, no ! Get to the deuce out of here, or you'll be kicked out. {^He advances threateningly.) Hop. Be careful, young fellow. Don't you offer violence to the McNabb police force. (Shows his star.) I'm goin', by Sherlock ! Might have to listen to some more of that air truck. — Peck er fools! — Good-day! (^He goes to the door; turns.') Nice mornin', ain't it ? Good-day I {He goes out.) Mer. Well, that's some rube, believe me I Frank. The original hayseed, all right. Fred {imitating Hop.). Yep, by Sherlock ! Ha, ha, ha ! IsA. Well ! You needn't talk. You're just as big rubes yourselves. Olga. Yes, indeed ! All three of you. Stella. I should say so ! Mer. Great Scott I How do you make that out ? ISA. Well, don't you think it's a rube trick to ask us to go for a walk, and then the whole way do nothing but talk base- ball ! Olga. Baseball ! Stella. Baseball !— Ugh ! Mer. Oh ! So that's what's wrong, eh? Well, say, I'm awfully sorry we bored you. Frank. And we'll promise never to say a word about base- ball again ! Fred. Rats, no ! Not a syllable ! ISA. Really truly ? Mer. Honest to goodness ! Frank. Hope to die ! Fred. Never again ! 30 PICKING A WINNER ISA. Oh, do you really mean it ? Because Olga. We can have such fun together ! Stella. But when you're always talking baseball IsA. We can't get a word in edgewise Olga. And it's so stupid Stella. And silly. IsA. You really promise ? Mer. (Jiolding up his right hafid). Swear it. Frank {same business'). Ditto ! Fred {same busifiess). Ditto ! ISA. Oh, isn't that fine ! Because we want to get up a picnic for the new guests, the Macdonalds ; we're going to go as far as the river in machines Olga. And take our lunch in baskets I Stella. And go fishing ! Olga. And wading 1 Stella. And sing songs ! ISA. And without you to help us of course it would be a perfectly awful fizzle ; so now that (Enter Nor., carry- ing a newspaper.) Oh, what is it, Henry? Nor. The paper, ma'am ! {Holds it out.) Mer. {pou7icing upon it). Wow ! Frank. Woof ! Fred. Zowie ! Mer. Wait a moment ! {Holds them off.) Three to one Chicago beats Brooklyn. Fred. Take you ! Frank. Two to one New York beats Chicago in the American. Mer. Done ! {^With a skilled hand he opens to the sporting page.) Fred. Wheeh I Brooklyn wins 1 Frank. New York wins ! Mer. Yes, but Philadelphia got trimmed twice, too. Fred. Oh, rats I Frank. Detroit took a double header from Washington. Where's your Walter Johnson now ? Mer. Why, you nut, he didn't pitch. Fred. Rats 1 He'd have lost if he had, just the same. Why, Ty Cobb can smash his stuff so that Frank. Cer-tainly ! Why, one day last year against Cleveland PICKING A WINNER 31 Mer. You think so, hey? Well, if Walter Johnson can't strike out a bum faker like Ty Cobb any day in the week, why Fred. Rats I Rats ! Why, he can't even Frank. Did you ever see Mer. Well, if you think that he wouldn't be Fred. Rats ! Why, if Baker Frank. That's all right ; but when Wagner was Mer. But if Johnson had ISA. Oh 1 (She bursts into tears ^ and runs from the room.) Frank. Eh? Fred. Why, — what ? Olga. Oh— oh ! {She begins to weep copiously ^ and rushes off the stage.') Mer. Say, what in ? Stella. Oh — ho — oh 1 {Outweeping the other Sy she departs precipitously ^ leaving blank stupefaction behind her,) Mer. Well, I'll Frank. Be Fred. Damned ! Mer. Gee I I forgot. Didn't you ? Frank. Right away 1 Fred. Just like that ! Mer. Good-night ! Frank. Biff I And we're in dutch again ! Fred. Oh, rats 1 We should worry I Come ahead down to the drug store, and finish the argument. Ten to one they'll hit there before lunch time, and we'll feed them sodas till we're reinstated. Mer. All right ! {They start for the door.) But if you're bone-head enough to think that Walter Johnson can't Frank. I do think it. Why, two years ago, even, when he was good Fred. Rats I Rats ! Why, if he'd ever ( Their voices die out in the dista?ice. Hop. enters, scratches his head meditatively for a minutey then takes down the 32 PICKING A WINNER dictagraph^ rolls up the wire, and puts it in his pocket. Then ivith deliberate determination in every feature, he sits down, afid proceeds to light a corn-cob pipe. Blanche enter s^ dressed for tennis. She sees Hop., a7id visibly wilts. As a second thought she assumes the Lady at the Waldorf.) Blanche. Well ! So sorry you had to walk. I'll have the machine sent at once to the station for your luggage. Hop. Eh! What's that? Blanche. Our rates are three-fifty per week, including breakfast, supper and the use of the parlor piano. We have recently installed all the most modern sanitary improvements, including a golf links. Any guests desiring to Hop. Say, y' know, I believe you're trying to string me, by Sherlock ! Blanche. Oh, no / Hop. Wal, I don't care. 'Tain't goin' to bother me. We detectives can stand a lot, y' know. Blanche. My ! I'm glad of that. But before I ring for the strong arm squad, would you mind telling me what you're after ? Hop. Wal ! By Sherlock ! I'll do it ! But you won't want any of the reward, will you ? Blanche. Oh, dear me, no ! I was seriously thinking of offering a reward to any one who'd painlessly remove you from the premises. Hop. Wal, you help me find my man, and I'll git out soon enough. Blanche. Ah ! A man ? Thrills ! Hop. Yep ! A man. — A nobleman, by Sherlock ! Now, h'sten. I've had a letter from my chief in New York to the effect that there is a furriner with a title somewhere here in Mc- Nabb. Now, they want to git hold of this feller and offer him a lot of money for some land of his before somebody else does it ahead of them. Blanche. Yes, yes. Go on. Hop. Now, by means of my scientific investigations I've deduced that this mysterious nobleman is right here in this house. Blanche. No ! Hop. Yes, by Sherlock 1 Blanche. How did you ever find it out? PICKING A WINNER 33 Hop. Science, by Sherlock ! Science. Blanche. Wonderful man ! Well, then, I'll confess the truth. I've known for some time that one of my three servants was a nobleman in disguise. Hop. By Sherlock ! Blanche. And you said you wanted to pay them money for something ? Hop. Yes, by Sherlock ! A hundred thousand pounds, whatever they be ! Blanche. A hun Good-night ! Half a million ! Say, listen to me. You get these servants of mine in here, and tell them what's coming to the one who owns the title, and you'll find out soon enough which one he is. Isn't that a first rate scientific idea ? Hop. By Sherlock, yes ! Blanche. Good ! Then I'll call them, and science can proceed. (Sir F. enters, in flanfiels.) Or wait. Let Mac do it. They aren't wise to the fact that I know the truth. Mac, run down and call Henri, Heinrich and 'Enry. Tell them to come up here and meet a gentleman on business ; and don't say I sent you. Sir F. Right-o ! {He goes out. ) Blanche. Now, Colonel, don't forget to be duly scientific. Hop. By Sherlock I that's me. Say, do I look nervous? Blanche. Not a nerve, old top I Hop. {becomifig tnot-e and more excited'). By Sherlock ! I'll bet I get on the New York police force for this job, by Sherlock I Enter Sir F. Sir F. They're coming ! Blanche. Good 1 Quick, we must beat it ! Don't forget to be scientific, Colonel. ( They go out back l.) Hop. By Sherlock I {He manifests an advanced condition of stage fright ; finally pulls together, and carefully inspects a revolver, a magni- fying glass, and a pair of handcuffs which he takes from his pocket and then replaces there.) Enter 'K\5¥., Alex. a?id 'Hor. , front i.. 34 PICKING A WINNER RuF. Ah, my fr-r-r-reind ; we meet again 1 Alex. Parbleu 1 L' imbecile 1 — Ah 1 Nor. By Jove, old top, I understand you have something important to say to us. Hop. Yep, by Sherlock I {In his best scientific manner.) I suppose none of you fellers has any particular prejudice against money ? Lots of money ? RuF. Well — er — not so that it is per-r-r-rceptibly notice- able. Hop. Good 1 I thought the Socialist ticket warn't intro- duced in Yurrup yet. Well, now I'm going to tell you a se- cret ; I'm a detective. RuF. Impossible I Hop. Yep, by Sherlock I Now, by my scientific deduc- tions I've discovered that one of you three fellers is a nobleman in disguise. RuF. Good heavens 1 But which one, my fr-r-reind ; which one ? Hop. Denied if I know. So since time's short, and my employers are in a hurry to git the job off their hands, and pay over this here hundred thousand pounds, why RuF. What 1 A hundr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r Alex. Diable 1 Q'est que c'est? Nor. By Jove I By Jove ! 1 RuF. Let us be calm. Now, my fr-r-r-reind, kindly en- lighten us in detail. Hop. Why, just this. My employers want to find this fel- ler, and buy up what they call his ancestral estates. That's all ; so if any of you are the right man, and can show the proofs RuF. My fr-r-r-r-r-reind. The wor-r-r-r-rd of a R-r-r-r-r- r-r-russian should suffice. But, if you demand pr-r-r-r-r-roofs, — wait I (^He dashes off stage, r., in tnost undignified haste,) Alex, {wildly). Sacre I Attendez moi ! Attendez moi I {He rushes after him.) Nor. Oh, I say 1 The blighters ! Here, I say, you 1 I say {He follows precipitously. ) Hop. {beside hitnself ivith scientific joy). By Sherlock I By Sherlock 1 PICKING A WINNER 35 Enter Alex, on the run, hangifig several glittering decorations around his neck. Alex. Monsieur I Cher mousieur I Be-hold me 1 Alex- andre Bruno, Count de Chabresfeu, Due de Longreville, et Marquis de Bonaventure; Membre de I'Academie, et Chev- alier de le Legion d'Honneur. A votre service. Hop. By Sherlock I Alex. Ah, monsieur, je yous aime, je vous adore I {Kisses him on both cheeks.') Hop. By Sherlock 1 Enter Nor., adjusting his regalia, an even more sumptuous display than that of Alex. Nor. Oh, I say I Wait a moment, you bally Frenchman. Now, old top, you see, he may be a count, y' know, but I'm Lord Kenneth Edward Macyn James Montrose de Montague Ethlymn, Earl of Norton, Viscount Delbershire-Stinelmont, and Baronet of Elbridge-Colby, Order of St. Michael and St. George, Order of the Indian Empire, Order of St. Andrew, Order of the Garter, V. C, K. C. B. By Jove 1 Hop. By Sherlock 1 {Enter Ruf., wearing a huge Cos- sack coat, elaborately trimmed with fur.') Hello I Here's the fake Roosian. And who may you be ? Ruf. My fr-r-r-r-r-reind, I cannot waste your pr-r-r-riceless time in enumerating all of my titles. I must confine myself to a bare few. But among other things, I am Boris Ruffievitch, Gr-r-rand Duke of Kharkov-Bogodoffkin, Imperial Duke of Karvingliebesk, Pr-r-r-rince R-r-r-r-royal of Vladimeiensca, Pr-r-rince of Viestebec-Toreztosk, Baron of Yamensk- Koreschek, Count of Novgordstalben, Count of Mo- hivlesk-Bykoh, Count of Koltemnitzt-Jelankofskol, and Im- perial Commander of the R-r-royal Koravinskaelposk-Vosluga Cossacks. {He throws open his coat, disclosing a glittering mass of medals, orders and other decorations.) Hop. By Sherlock I I oughta be worried I CURTAIN ACT III SCENE.— 7%